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#i cant get this fucking freak out of my head
ragingtwilight · 4 months
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i am slowly coming out of my offline mood and i know i am because i actually went through my notifications today lol
however i am avoiding catching up on blogs just yet bc that is a daunting task so i will say hi for now teehee
talk to me, how have y'all been this past month
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thinking about how Icarus checked to make sure they had two pickaxes when they were flying over to coop after Jamie and Easton asked them to. thinking about it.
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im-smart-i-swear · 2 days
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guy trapped in a hell of his own creation: haha ive never done anything wrong in my entire life. and im always right:] anyway. why did my little brother move out:(
its so funny to me that at first glance tashi seems like hed be the most 'normal' out of all the clones but at least all the others are slowly healing n shit while hes just getting more and more insane each day and one day hell snap and explode and maim someone
#my art#my funky guys#HES SO FUCKING STUPID.#tashi im sorry ily but youre literally the dumbes fucking motherfucker ive ever seen. and a cringe loser. never change king<3#like. this guy realised he was a clone when he was a month old and decided to base his new personality entirely#on the idealised version of the original he made up in his head.#like he did this to himself!!! he chose to revolve his entire personality around being a 'perfect flawless mom friend'!!!!!!!#in his head hes like the most selfless & altruistic person to ever walk the earth but in reality hes a sad selfish mess who just wants to#be loved.#he started out as a pretty nice and level headed guy who wanted to help ppl but then it just spiraled when he made that his entire#personality bc of his inability to move on from a lie he really wanted to be true.#he percieves shiro as this perfect flawless leader figure and he wants DESPERATELY to imitate that. deep down its not enough for him to#simply coparent and share responsibility w the others. no no no he has to be The Leader and do everything himself!#this mindset results in him later on starting to dismiss and undervalue his familys work and commitment to keeping them all alive-#esp soup. like sHE WAS THERE W HIM FROM THE VERY BEGINNING THEY ARE EQUALS THEY ARE BOTH EQUALLY IMPORTRANT#AND HES SO FAR UP HIS ASS HE FORGOT. somewhere along the line he forgot. he missed the point. he spiraled too deep.#and he knows. he knows but hes so terrified of change and growth and admitting he CANT do this alone.#he wants to be a cool epic capable solo leader AND he craves family and connection soooo badly he cant live w/o his loved ones.#so yeah. hes an angry little pathetic freak<3 i love him#despite all that hes not a bad person. just a flawed guy thrown into a situation so stressful and traumatising that he clinged to the only#coping mechanism he had at the time and just sorta. ran with it.#dw he gets better tho! it takes a lot and his and sticks relationship is strained for a LONG time but he slowly gets better. good for him
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opens-up-4-nobody · 9 months
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#hello to anyone who happens to b interested in the saga of my life... also maybe the irl person i gave my url to... hopefully my blog#didnt freak her out too much lol. anyway so its been a busy week? 2 weeks? month? year? life? its been a lot. my parents helped me move#across the country from the desert to somewhere that's beautiful and green. my dad is so jealous of me lol its so so so pretty and theres s#so much to do. will i do any of it? that remains to be seen but im gonna try to be better about that sort of thing. try to get some help#with the thoughts in my head that keep me from doing and enjoying most things. its weird like im decorating my new room which i love. the#location and living situation seem ideal and i really hope i can stay here all 5 years of my program but i was picking a lot of bright#colors and now it feel uncomfortable. like if i wear things that r too bright or my room is too bright without dark contrast it feel weird#like if im wearing it it kinda makes me feel sick. idk what thats abt. anyway. ill try to heal my brain and im just so happy to b out of the#southwest. i was so so so excited when we were leaving thr city and even more so when we left the state. i cant believe im here. in December#it felt like a million years away and i really truely could not fathom how i was gonna survive that long. my thoughts were so distorted. but#i did and here i am. and in like a month i should b starting my phd program and my parents were telling me how excited ppl r for me and#jealous of where im living and im glad. im glad they're excited. i think i am too but its under a layer of: if i get excited it wont happen#im not allowed to b excited or it wont happen. which is irrational but ya kno. anyway so that's yeah. im so happy to have a fresh start and#the town seems super cool. a liberal blip in a sea of... not that so theyre very visibly pride forward haha and i think itll b way easier#for me to get around without driving. and im gonna try to make friends. i need someone to tell me where to get tattoos haha. so yea im happy#but exhausted and i dont wanna go back to work and so so greatful to my parents for being wonderful ppl idk how bc both of them had fucked#up childhoods. like my mum will say the saddest shit and im like bro this is y i don't wanna talk to my grandma fuck her and my dads parents#r so fucked. like my nana is the reason im so fucking control freaked out but i kno i have issues and she has no insight and thinks shes#better than everyone. anyway hopefully i can get back to drawing a posting more now. ive been drawing it its been in a sketch book#like an actual sketch book for sketching big ideas thst r gonna take fucking forever to draw 😭#so that's all. just uprooted my whole life. thats all. but in a good way :-]#unrelated
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#delete later#in typical birthday fashion i am now exhausted snd overwhelmed and battling a meltdown#i stubbed my toe and now cant put any fucking weight on it#im exhausted from performing appropriate birthday excitement. i dont think i understand birthdays correctly#to me the only relevance of ppls birthday is that i can show that i care about them and give gifts that make them happy or#spend time with them. other than that its just a day. in my head my birthday is just a day but it's a day rhat im expected to be#ecstatic over. i dont understand that. i spend the day worried im not feeling the correct feelings or displaying them right#and worried bc the normal day routine is broken and im anxious bc i don't know what will happen#too much uncertainty. abd rhat anxiety makes me feel guilty. but at the same time bc to me birthdays are avout showing the#person that you care. if everyone ignored it i would start to assume they dont care. idk how to fix my brain on this#at least its only once a year. plus the whole still being alive at 24 thing freaks me out. so when i inevitably have my#meltdown or shutdown it comes with not fun things#i get the same way at christmas except its slightly more socially acceptable for me to hide at christmas.#meltdowns make me angry abd emotional so i know im being a bitch in my head but logic is hard so im just upset and angry#and confused on how im supposed to feel and act. i fucking hate my brain.#i have ordered good comfort food abd have weighted blanket abd new piercing. life is okay#i dont want to see mu parents this weekend but it will be what it will be. im so fucking tired
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newfeeling77 · 4 months
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im starting to accept the fact that i have a really hard time functioning sober and thats not good, and when i think about that i get scared that it means ill never be able to drink or do drugs again, which probably means that i definitely shouldn’t
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cherry-shipping · 6 months
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one of the (admittedly many) reasons i love love love LOVE my uf and ht self inserts i think is because all the shit i hate about myself is amplified with them and i LOVE them for it. theyre weird gross perverted overbearing annoying creeps who nobody really feels comfortable around. and its the BEST!!!!!!!!! like yeah they suck shit. they dont know anything and theyre genuinely disturbing and disgusting people. arent they just the BEST
#cherry chats#i happen to love girls who are the worst ever. is the thing#when my ht/uf inserts make everyone around them uncomfortable and gross people out and when nobody likes them i think its so awesome and fun#they both suck so bad. theyre awesome#they dont KNOW shit they cant DO shit theyre weird nasty FREAKS#theyre overbearing and clingy and creepy and selfish and completely fucked in the head. and theyre everythinf 2 me#^____^#i love my fucked up little self inserts. they are so not okay over there#had a visual image of my uf self insert lighting they and sans’ bed on fire cause he annoyed them. lmfao#blame kiss with a fist That song is everything in the world to me Ok#btw speaking of which i should really give my most common self inserts nicknames#because going ‘my uf and ht self inserts’ every time is a pain#like. my trollsona although i dont talk about them much is a favorite too and their name is zairku Cuz troll names etc#and in my head i nicknames my horrortale guy 207 for. some fuckin reason#ermm. whadda hell do i call that underfell freak then.#……………… cherry???? bc thats qhat i used to go by way way WAY back in the day???#and it. SORTA fits the general uf aesthetic…..???#well. just like how 207 was a placeholder that just became their nickname i guess cherry would be the same#if i called them that as a temporary placeholder while i think of something else itd just end up being their name anyway. lol#okie dokie hehehee thats good then ^__^ i think ill add that 2 my pages when i get out of bed#which is. very soon bcuz i wanna smoke. so im goin outside. its -4° out
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ittybittybumblebee · 7 months
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New Guy could easily a tragic character if you think too long about isome things abt them but Zeyre not theyre genuinly not they could be but. AUGH i fhav a lot of feelings about guy you dont underSTAND shes a cartoon character she operates on funny cartoon character software you cant break him like that you COULD but hes a silly bendy straw you cant unbend it you cantAugh thats not . AUGH AUGH AUGH silly character runnign from everything but is genuinly having fun in life even thought theyr being an asshat and destroying stuff n playing harmful pranks in every town they come to n stuff lmao how canni even begin to convey this you dont GET IT
Its SILLY
SHES a CREEP hes A WEIRDO THEY DONT BELONG HERE
and thats fine By Xer. Completely. They exatterate and draw attention to it in every way possible and its part of its defining qualities that xe celebrate it and are happy in his own freaky way AND
And
And t tthey fucking HATE people they dont like you but if you met it screaming running down the sidewalk she would stop and say HIIIIII GIRLIEPOP DRANK ANY WINDSHEILD FLUID LATELY? YOU FREAKIN SHOULD DUDE ! ITS BONKERS NASTY (GOOD) BYEEEEEEEEEEE
Do you Get me you Cant get me the way i need you to . AUGH
Anyway thats all im going to go have pizza for suppperrrrrrrrr haha lol
* Im screaming at you btw and then turning around and walking away visibly shaking like i have the whole big whide world on my shoulders and its Crushing me to smithereeens
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hella1975 · 1 year
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absolutely getting fined for this ❤️
#soooo I took my fairy lights off my walls bc we’re all moving out soon and we’ve been joking about accidentally peeling the paint#and not only did the paint peel but there was soot EVERYWHERE#and naturally I took a wet cloth to it to clean it and yeah the small dots of soot where my lights had been came off#but instead they became huge smears of soot all over the fucking wall#and when I tried to clean THAT I made it worse#one wall is actually unsalvagable I’m gonna have to fully repaint it and pray#luckily it’s white so I don’t need to worry about shade matching and the lighting in my room is so appalling that I don’t think my landlord#will notice the one white wall is Significantly Brighter than the other#BUT ONE WALL IS THIS UGLY GREY BROWN COLOUR THAT MY FLATMATE ALREADY TRIED TO SHADE MATCH BC HERS PEELED#AND SHE CANT AND I LITERALLY HAVE SOOT SMEARS EVERYWHERE#it’s an £80 fine per wall im looking at potentially £160 in fines if I can’t fix this#my flatmate is gonna try fix it tomorrow bc I’m going home#she was actually really good about it like when I freak out I get angry and I was just raging about trying to fix it#and she was like ‘it’s okay I’ve seen worse I’ll do it tomorrow I guarantee I can get it off’ and I didn’t even ask her to#bc it didn’t even cross my mind to expect her to help with it so it was just sweet#I hope she can fix at least the coloured wall bc I can’t paint over that#the white wall I fucking doubt can be fixed but I can paint that one at least#I’m just so pissed off bc normally you put a deposit down at the start of the tenancy and if u damage the property they use that money#to cover the charges. like it’d be shit to not get my deposit back but in my head that’s money already spent#whereas this is just a straight up fee of £160 potentially#and I’m already so behind with money like I saved £2k for america so I have NOTHING ELSE banked#I owe my parents that £600 from rent still AND I owe my friend £155 bc we’re going to Ireland in September#like at least my friend is v understanding and I made it very clear before she agreed to cover me that I wouldn’t be able to pay back for#a good few months and she didn’t mind#so I’ll put that one on the back burner#but STILL WHAT THE FUCKKKKK I’m so mad why do I make such a mess out of literally everything it’s acc impressive#hella goes to uni
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spade-club · 1 year
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Haha I've disappointed so many customers by having a very sudden mental breakdown and crying in the freezer for a solid 10 minutes. I have decided to close early but I'm too sick to even do that so the sign just says we're closed and I'm just hoping no one comes in. We're still getting orders online and even that is too much for me right now. I told my only other coworker I cant come in tomorrow or the next day so I'm waiting for her to respond. I feel so sick and I dont know what to do.
(Also just letting you know theres sexual talk in the tags)
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had another fainting spell, but this time i was out cold for at least 3mins instead of just a few seconds bc i managed to sit down before losing consciousness, and no one in a train cabin of at least 20 people had the sense to lower my head so blood could reach it more easily
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readymades2002 · 1 year
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briefly confided in my mother (mistake i never learn from) about how i am very sad that my ability to have a social life in the world is tied entirely to my sibling, who will be leaving here soon, and how i do not have any other way to get out of the house and how i do not feel i have anything besides work and despite everything that came after, including an apology for saying it, the first thing she said was “well i don’t have anything else either” which is exactly what prevented me from saying anything earlier because i knew that and i know that she is very good at going “it is what it is” about the most miserable of conditions and so would never admit to being unhappy about anything even though there is so much to be unhappy about including having to raise me to begin with, and that she also gets annoyed when others complain or are unhappy about anything because SHE does it and so why can’t everyone do it. and. well. i am pretty nervous about what this means for my life (nonexistent) going forward
#it is a cold thing to say but i feel like i have like. a month to befriend my sibling's friends that will be staying here#enough to want to spend time with me or else i am never going to get out of this fucking household#i dont have many coworkers my age and even fewer that i talk to because i dont like talking to people very much#which is also a massive problem because i want to but i am weird and shy and not always a fan of people and again very strange#but i can barely functionally navigate the world on my own to an upsetting degree. if i dont have someone with me i cant do it.#i am kind of freaked out about all of this. i have today off and work late tomorrow and i wanted to maybe go out tonight#but i. can't. because no one here wants to and im fucking scared to death of calling (and paying for) an uber#and then being out in the world on my own. so i just get to stay here.#not even mentioning i am fairly certain there is a new wave of That Virus going around so what would even happen if i did#which is also fuckinggggg miserable i am the ONLY PERSON who wears a mask to work besides the deli department#drops head in hands im never going to befriend anyone im never going to go anywhere again im never going to touch anyone#i do not want to say this because i am a very repressed person but i am never going to hook up with anyone which is disappointing frankly#i can BARELY text anyone and i am often in too much pain to even walk to the one thing i can do alone which is the library#like. oh my god! my life has no meaning. i trudge along thinking 'maybe it will get better'#and its not all been bad i DO have kind of an almost social life when my sibling takes me to do things with their friends#i got to play dee n dee yesterday and it was cool even though i panicked a few times under attention#ive been able to do things. i have some coworkers i like or at least talk to. im very competent and people like that though they know#nothing else about me besides that im good at my job.#but having those moments of like honest to god Hope makes it feel infinitely worse the rest of the time when im just#staring at the clouds and the clock and thinking oh my god it was all for this and it was not worth it#whatever. classic post of buzz. this doesnt matter and i dont know what the point in talking about it is but i dont have anything else#a job im good at and hate and a blog where i complain and a death wish and thats all. an unbearable early 20s myopia#this is stupid im going to do something else since ive upset myself. AGAIN
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abessive-art · 2 years
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just watched the new WWDITS episode and sincerely from the bottom of my heart.... what the fuck
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opens-up-4-nobody · 7 months
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#head instructor to the TAs in the lab section i TA for: how r u guys feeling abt the workload?#me who hasnt graded anything since week 1 and spent an hr that morning filling out a patient safety plan: 🙃#listen. we r experiencing symptoms that make us shitty at our job. which is not helpful for a positive outlook#i was also experiencing horrible cramps at the time bc i lost my ibuprofen and 2 days ago i stopped the birth control in a desperate effort#to stop feeling terrible. but in this moment i feel alright. its wild to go from drastically unhappy to like lol wtf was that? anyway stop#being a bby loser. for no obvious reason. im gonna start the birth control again to see if i get depressed again or if that was just me lol#i dont think my therapist understands the depth of my executive functioning issues tho. bc im a grad student and can meet deadlines. like#let me tell u im a fucking disaster abt starting things. i will go back and forth and get nothing done forever. or i do things halfway and#make everything 30 times more difficult later bc no one else understands how my brain works#ah well. itll b fine. sometimes i just get freaked out that i wanna b better and i dont kno how to do that. so i spiral in despair a lil#ill b fine. im good at catching myself before i get too out of control. annoyingly tho i am not currently beating the bip0lar allagations#bc whatever tf is wrong with me i do probably fit the diagnostic criteria for bip0lar 2. i dont kno y that freaks me out so much. i guess#its bc it feels like something i cant just make better thru force of will and i grew up in a home that was very obsessively#health conscious to the point my dad gets anxious abt taking a single ibuprofen. so like ive been conditioned to get freaked out by#medication. literally my grandma will call me and tell me to b suspicious of doctors and to not take medicine unless absolutely necessary.#like lady u r the genetic reason i have 0cd shut the fuck up. also it feels like something that would more negatively affect how ppl think#of u than saying oh yea i get depressed or i have anxiety. like the connotation feels worse im used to just telling ppl whatever tf#my problem is. so the idea of holding something back feels weird. which annoys me bc i dont think there should b so much of a stigma. its#bullshit. anyway idk. im tired. i was trying to think of a comfort tv show with my therapist and all i could think was the terror#when im depressed i wanna watch those English mother fuckers suffer and die. i just lov that show so much. harry g00dsir my beloved. the#most me coded character to ever exist#unrelated
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elijah-inmymind · 25 days
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if horror game in horror genre, then why monster have scary face???? i want horror game!!! NO SCARY FACE!!!!!!!!! only horror game <3
#incoming ramble about scary faces in horror games spooking me too bad#just wish i could like listen to it like a podcast#i get this thing where a very particular genre of images#generally any scary character in analog horror will fit in that genre but yeah like big long distorted mouth realistic eyes usually#can be different tho#but yeah those images get stuck in my head and freak me out in a very intense instinctive almost like primal animalistic way#and when i say stuck in my head i mean i see them every time i close my eyes for hours on end after i so much as think about this image#i am not exaggerating when i say i see that image every time i blink#it’s not as bad if i’m just remembering it as opposed to having just seen it but it can be bad either way if i have a decent memory of it#and this causes intense paranoia#like yknow it’s behind me if my back is exposed it’s right in front of me if i’m in the dark it’s outside my window above my head etc etc#it’s really bad idk what’s going on with me but yeah it sucks bad dude i just have to avoid content like that at all costs#WHICH SUCKS SO MUCH#BC ANALOG HORROR ALWAYS HAS THE BESTTTTTT STORYLINES#IM SO MAD#THINGS LIKE THE MANDELA CATALOGS AND THE FUCKIN OTHER ONE YKNOW THE OTHER ONE HAS A H IN IT I THINK#SOUNDS SO INTERESTING STORY WISE#BUT I CANT FUCKING PLAY IT OR EVEN WATCH SOMEONE PLAY IT BC ID DRIVE MYSELF UP THE BLOODY WALL#EVEN THE MY LITTLE PONY INFECTION AU!!!!!!#I HAD TO BLOCK TAGS/KEYWORDS FOR MLP INFECTION ACROSS ALL PLATFORMS BC I GOT MY SHIT ROCKED BY TWILIGHT FUCKING SPARKLE#LITERALLY FURIOUS I LOVE THAT SHIT IT SOUNDS SO COOL BUT I CANT LOOK AT ANY ART FROM IT ON THE OFF CHANCE THAT IT GETS IN MY HEAD#ONCE I SAW A GOOD OMENS VIDEO AND IT WAS JUST A CUTE LITTLE DRAWING OF MURIEL!! CUTE SWEET PRECIOUS LITTLE OFFICER OF THE LAW!!!!#AND THEN AT THE END IT FLASHED A FRAME ALL CLOSE UP WITH THEIR FACE ALL TWISTED AND DISTORTED AND ELONGATED#SOILED MY BLOODY BREECHES I DID. CRAPPED MY BLASTED PANTALOONS I DID INDEED.#SAW THAT WRETCHED COP BEHIND MY EYELIDS FOR THE NEXT 45 MINUTES I DID.#THE WALTEN FILES THATS THE OTHER ONE#NO H IN IT#CANT WATCH IT YHO SO WHAT DO I CARE ABOUT THE H
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autizta · 11 months
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I never thought the day would come where I'd see a callout post on a dangerous individual in the Warrior Cats community and find my art being used as one of the individuals' supporters
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