#i cant say shit bc i always set 2

[kuroosdarling]

LMFAO I FOUND THIS IN MY NOTES

dunno where i was going with this but yeah

[mrfoox]

Me: I don't have abandonment issues (:

Also me: -have always kept the belief that everyone will sooner or later get tired of me and leave and no one i love is here to stay-

[corvidcall]

ive been a halfhearted dnd defender for a minute, bc i was really involved in indie ttrpg twitter for a while and I Am Not Anymore because frankly. it just got too hostile and crab bucket-y. a lot of people acting like critical role or dimension 20 were opposing them by playing a game that had widespread brand recognition (and also getting mad whenever critrole played something OTHER than dnd. i haven't forgotten how hostile everyone i knew in that scene was when critrole played monster hearts. like what do you want??) or like people who play dnd are popular jocks and people who play indie games are bullied nerds. when actually we're all nerds. nobody is cool here.

and i would especially get frustrated when people would recommend games to play instead of dnd that are not at all a comparable experience, or didnt have the same things people liked in dnd. sure, you could play Masks if you want to play a superhero game instead of just reskinning DnD, but Masks is about teens, and the fact that you're playing as teens is core to the mechanics, so it's not a good suggestion for someone who wants to play as adult superheroes. sure you can suggest someone play Blades in the Dark if they want to play a heist team, but BitD is incredibly punishing! every time ive played it, it felt almost impossible to get a full success at anything. that can be fun, if that's the kind of game you want, but if i want to play a game where i feel cool and like im good at things, then BitD is not a good replacement! I cant tell you how many times I've seen people say that you don't need to just reskin dnd when there are games that are more specifically tailored to the experience you want, and then in the same breath act like the games they're suggesting ARENT specific actually and can be used to craft any kind of experience you want. Is the genre baked into the mechanics, or isnt it? because it cant be both!

and thats not even getting into when people would suggest replacements that aren't even close. a lot of "dnd sucks nobody should ever play dnd. instead of dnd, why don't you play MY game, where youre a couple thats getting married in 2 months and you're still planning your wedding?" like... why would i play that instead of dnd, if i want to play dnd? those have nothing in common, beyond the fact that theyre both tabletop games. it's like saying "Instead of watching Star Wars, you should watch Get Out!" sure, they're both MOVIES, and Get Out is GOOD, but i think to suggest that someone who wants to watch Star Wars would have an equal if not better experience watching Get Out instead devalues both. They're not interchangeable because they're trying to do entirely different things

So I would get incredibly frustrated when people acted like people who were choosing to play DnD were just making a mistake, and that they couldn't possibly be getting anything out of playing that game specifically

ALL THAT BEING SAID wizards of the coast sucks ass and they can clean my balls. they should get put in the stocks and i should get to pelt them with tomatoes. i like playing in the sword and sorcery fantasy setting, and dnd was always my go-to game for that because Dungeon World is the worst game I've ever played (i can think of one or two other games in the same sort of setting, but i haven't tried them or met anyone willing to run them) but ah well. WotC can eat shit for this copyright bullshit

[radiostranger]

supernatural finale first time watch thoughts:

THE DOG IS BACK YES

sam would be a jogger idk it makes so much sense

“HOT! bread”

dean is so me attempting to clean

honestly i could watch a whole season of this domestic shit just add castiel back in and id be content

no dean. don’t “got something”please don’t “got something”

oh it’s a pie fest. carry on (badum ch)

cas mention :’)

oh no it’s the barn i know what’s coming i hate it dean pls drive away

and you know what?? WHAT IF THAT NINJA STAR HAD SAVED DEANS LIFE SAM HM?? LET HIM HAVE HIS NINJA STAR

this looks like the lazarus rising barn🤧

i see the rusty nail i see it and i hate it

who the fuck is jenny

oh no here it comes

“i always looked up to you” “i’m so proud of you” “i cant do this without you. i don’t want to” and what if i spontaneously combusted rn hm? what then?

i hate this show. no one look at me.

is rufus married to …. aretha… franklin ?? am i dumb or is that what they were insinuating

CAS HELPED ??? CAS. HELPED????? IS HE ALIVE ??? HOW DID HE GET OUT OF THE EMPTY I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS

THE ORIGINAL LICENSE PLATE

the blurry woman™️ is eileen bc i said so. them not showing her at all in the last two episodes was cruel

WHAT TUE FUCK IS THAT WIG

i deserve reimbursement for having to watch that

oh what hi jensen and jared and crew 🤠

andddd cut :(

final thoughts: okay as much as i don’t love that ending and it felt kinda cheap and not great writing wise it’s not assssss awful as i expected from the way people talk about it but also i don’t have the background of watching the show for 15 years. plus i knew most of the spoilers so it’s hard to say what i actually would have thought if i saw it the way intended. main takeaways:

1. wtf did castiel not show up in heaven hm ??

2. i’m pissed they didn’t include at least a tiny mention of eileen :( all that set up for her and sam relationship just for her to die, presumably be brought back to life but not even mentioned??

3. i need fix it fics. immediately.

[itsyagurlchip]

WAIT I SENT THE ASK TOO EARLYA AUWHAUDHDEKDVW

how is the original bone skeleton man doing?? OH OH AND is the setting the usual portal opening in the house and bam you've got new uncles or something else??? YAIOEPEPWLWKWPWBAOAV

buckle up, cuz this is super long yall 🥲

OKAY!!! THIS IS WHERE MY "INTERESTING" PART COMES IN 😁 monsters are just coming to the surface, and speciesism is as high as ever. after a year of this, queen toriel decides to open a human-monster program, something that also promotes her small school.

monsters adopt humans! ebbot was a bit iffy on it, but after realizing the benefits the mayor eventually agreed. (jk that nigga only wants the money 💀-) It was hard to get the program started, because many schools and orphanages werent as trusting, and the state wasn't fundinh it at all. So Toriel took a different approach.

Many monsters put their savings into it, considering their currency is literal fucking gold, and the program would allow each child to get $1000+ per month, depending on their age and needs. and yes giving kids thousands of dollars per year doesn't sound like a good idea, but shhhhh! the plot my dear!

The monsters who take care of them aren't allowed to use it themselves in selfish situations. Both the child and the guardian has rules.

one) you guys have to interact in some way. whether it be verbally, or even physically. two) NOTHING 18+, as all children being minors, that would be kinda weird. three) follow laws as follows- just dont be a shitty parent. four) the child has to want to participate as well, and cant do anything to hurt the guardian. including verbally (bc monster souls are made of feelings pretty much [thats another hc for another day])

id love to go deeper into the details, yet i however cannot bc i dont know how a parent-child program works.

and you have to be in the program for 1 month before you or the child wants to back out.

doesn't matter if its one-sided or not, when someone doesn't like it it immediately stops. id like to say that frisk and papyrus put most if their money into this, just so she can be adopted by toriel.

so when papyrus sees that gaster and sans have been stuck in the lab (not the basement!) for globs of hours at a time, sporadic sleeping, and overall exhaustion from work, he says the craziest shit

"SINCE YOU TWO ARE NERD BUMS, AND I CAN'T ALWAYS BE AT HOME FOR YOU TWO, I ADOPTED A HUMAN CHILD!!"

sans, in his sleep deprived state, promptly rose an eyebrow and fell out of his chair onto his side.

yea, its not that he didn't take the thing well, bro couldn't process it 💀💀

gaster just rolled his only visible eyelight and went back to work

....

well that worked well!!

reader arrived to the house the next day, and seeing that it was a two story house!?!?

AND there was an in-law suite? fuck yea! orphan kid made the jackpot 💥💥😼

they had fuckin steps too les goo!!

Your dark skin shined against the light of the sun, your brown eyes sparkling in excitement.

reader let go of papyrus's hand and ran inside immediately.

Careful as to not smudge your dirty shoes against the shiney floor, you looked around the house in amazement. This place had to have atleast 5 rooms!

and then the in law suite on the side looked like another 2 rooms!?? BEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE!!

Not only did you have super nice guardians (you hoped), they were packed enough to keep you and themselves stabilized!! Hell, if theirs more people, they could support them aswell!!

Taking off your shoes, you looked around the living room. The long couch was green, albiet a bit patchy for a nice place, while the tan side couches could lean back!!

where those outlets on the sides? omg

"HAVING FUN DEAR HUMAN CHILD?" Papyrus smirked. He knew that the house of the Great Papyrus was enough to impress anyone, even of young ages.

"You guys are so rich!! wow- i mean, not that im tryna take your money or anything, but like- WOW!! Its so big!! Bigger than anything ive ever been to!" You were now flapping your hands and bouncing a bit. Your locs of hair bounced in it's pony tail no matter how small the fidget-hop was.

Behind the living room was a beautiful and lavish kitchen, and to the right there was the steps. To the right it looked like some like of master bedroom or guest bathroom.

But you didn't care about rooms right now, you wanted to see your other guardians!!

"Where are the other people im supposed to be meeting? Are you my only guardian or do they have to take care of me too? Are they mean? Are they bums? I hope they dont smoke or something, Do they have an addiction? What about-"

"THAT!, DEAR CHILD, IS GOING TO BE FOR INTRODUCTIONS!! DO NOT WORRY, WHILE THOSE TWO MAY BE GRUMPS, THEY ARE PLEASANT PEOPLE TO BE AROUND...EVEN IF THE LACK OF SLEEP TAKES THEIR PLEASANT PERSONALITY AWAY..." Papyrus concluded. You noticed that, despite the way he tried to talk to himself, you still heard it loud and clearly.

Maybe he had a hard time with volume control. meh.

Grabbing your hand and leading you towards the back door next to the kitchen, Papyrus opened the door. He had to lean down a bit in order to hold your hand, but he didn't mind.

The hallway was looooong. Instead of it being regular walls, it was glass windows of different colors. Which made you raise an eyebrow abit.

Seeing your reaction, the tall skeleton explained, "SINCE WE DO NOT HAVE ENOUGH SPACE FOR EXPERIMENTAL ACTIVITY, TOTALLY NOT BOMBS, MY BROTHER AND FATHER DECIDED TO LIVE IN THE SUITE!" He said, walking and talking.

You both reached the end of the hallway, hearing mumblings, ramblings, and overall terms that lowkey hurt your brain.

Getting too excited, you open the door to a glass-based lab. With the occasional plastic and metal equipment.

In the middle of the room there was an island counter filled was rainbow colored stuff ('gay as hell' , you sniggered), small green candies, and lots and lots if paper and pencils sharpened to the ends.

At one end of the room, there was a tall skeleton, a little shorter than Papyrus, who was more goop than skeleton. Infact, he looked like someone took a fire torch to his upper body, but you didn't say anything.

At the other end, there was a short skeleton, probably shorter than you (hah, being 5'0 did pay off), laying with his head on the desk, knocked out with blue slob. You marveled at the sight, wanting to know more about monsters at this revelation.

"FATHER! BROTHER! THIS IS THE CHILD I ADOPTED FOR ALL OF US!" Papyrus announced, grinning undauntedly. The smaller skeleton banged his head on the desk at the loud voice, while the other one barely flinched and turned slowly in irritation. "INTRODUCE YOURSELVES WHILE I MAKE LUNCH FOR THE GROWING FETUS!" He declared, marching out with a big smile.

If this plan went correctly, then his favorite family members would be mentally stable (as much as one could try- he thought to himself).

after banging his head on the damned table, sans sat up a bit disoriented.

why was there a human child in the house?

why was it in the lab?

"uhh kid, ur not supposed be here...uhh, its not safe and uh, you could die."

"WOW! Your so freakin cool! How do you talk without moving your face? Are you wearing a mask? I could die here! ooh shiney stuff, can i touch it?"

yea.. this kid has not had a proper friend in a minute

he was overwhelmed by the questions you asked at first, he didn't answer them at all in favor of watching gaster struggle to calm you down.

sans didn't mind how loud you were, it was moreso the curiosity that you brought along with you.

that wouldn't do.

"Hey! What's this?" the kid asked, walking towards the machine that could very much possibly cause the heat death of the universe, before getting snatched up by gaster.

"Enough! you are here to introduce yourself, and you will do as such" It was funny to see the man twitch like that. sans likes this kid already.

After knowing your name and age, sans was a bit surprised.

he honestly thought you were younger.

while introducing himself he tried to keep it simple and short. how old is he?

"how old am i old man?"

His blue slippers shifted from the movement of his ankle bones.

he thought you were just an average kid, but something about you was different.

oddly enough you always wore these earrings saying Y on the right and N on the left.

he wonder what it meant

Now its a week past since you came into the 'haunted house', aka the skele-dungeon

you two play pranks against gaster when he has free time. watching him bounce his leg in irritation every time he finds a lima bean in his notes is pure gold.

since you're virtual, due to your choice, he tries to take you places.

some of the most consistent ones are dance class every saturday and neighborhood walks you take by yourself.

I think of sans is the type of person to give less of a shit about his dad.

mostly because if the way he approaches things, iN tHE NaME oF sCIeNcE

it pisses him off everytime he tries to ask you for a blood sample

and it makes him even angrier when you say yes without a second thought.

but despite that, he cares about gaster.

but he wants to choke him out being his first son.

Despite being constantly sleep deprived, he makes time for this little new joy in his life.

Back then he's sleep at his desk, especially when his magic reserves were too low to shortcut.

But now, and you thought he didn't notice, you carry him to the living room of the main house and turn the tv volume down to 9 when you cant fall asleep.

another thing you both have in common

More often than not, you both find each other at the odd hours if the night.

since he can barely cook shit, it's mostly you making the midnight snacks

he appreciates the food you make for him, despite him initially coming to get a 10 1/2 ounce bag of chips

other times you guys will sit in the living room in silence

occasionally he'll find himself rambling to you about physics, specifically quantum, so he can keep his memory up.

sans likes the way you treat his brother.

as an uncle and not a childish cousin.

You may not be able to keep up with Papyrus's schedules and puzzles

but when you can, you two shine this wholesome light on the whole house that makes sans's soul ache lovingly.

Papyrus likes to take you out for walks more than him, or you'll both hang out in the backyard next to the glass hallway of the suite.

on his breaks, he'll find you two doing silly things

like rolling in the grass

or trying to carry each other.

without being able to admit it, sans and papyrus feel a new joy in their life.

and they got a cool kid to come with it :)

Gaster and sans were in the lab when his father said the most dumbest shit his nonexistent ears could ever listen to

gaster was never fully succumbed into the void, as sans had saved him before anything totally horrible happened.

hence his melted face and arms.

but he saw something, or rather somethings, that his meticulous little nerd brain has been hyperfiaxting on since the child came.

"Let's discover new universes!"

sans was just like 'naw, jit crazy'

so gaster fucks around with the machine for a while in secret while sans is frolicking with his newly adopted child.

ew, children.

but he guesses that she's okay, despite her adamant queries (hehe).

and soon enough, the machine made that man find out after he fucked around

Now that the machine stopped pouring in different variants of his children, this only made gaster more excited to use the machine.

sans on the other hand was fuckin freaking out.

the damn geezer did it

but not only that, there are aggressive ass versions of him who are willing to kill a child and that wont go.

sans is not gonna give on the things that bring him joy that easy.

*insert battle sequence*

ok so he got his ass whooped, no biggie.

and now his adopted child is befriending them. great.

annnddd now his brother is taking care of them. even better.

AANNNDD now his father is too interested in them to try and find a way to send them back. AMAZING!

bro wants to jump off a roof at this point

to be honest, he doesn't like the other versions of himself.

Theyre different possibilities of what could've happened currently and he already thinks about that enough.

but, reader likes them, so he gives them a pass.

but if they hurt her...or even worse, his brother...

he wont need the machine to figure out a way to take them out of this world.

KITTY!! THANK U SM!!! ✨❤️✨❤️✨🫣❤️🫣❤️ EKKK!! YOU GUYS BRING ME SUCH JOY 😋😋😋 YAYAYAYAYYAYAYAYAYAYATATATTATATATTATATATATATTATATATTATATATATTATATATA IM SO HAPPY!! YHSHABDGSIWKSBHSUWBWHAISNEGEYGSBAOWOAMQNWHUDBRYDUBJQIBSGATUWOWUEHRBXKMXBSYSJBSBZ-

i know the reader sounds super excited rn, which is sorta unexpected for an orphan centered fic, in the official thing you're gonna see a less than..nice attitude from them.

btw i wanna make a house plan to this can make more sense for your guys. ohhhhhhhh- IM TOO DAMN EXCITED 😋😋💕 i prolly gotta learn skeleton anatomy too-

@kittykittyanon @radicallxser @oleander-nin @towomatos @thealphagirl @ziipzeepzop-eez @amorvincitomnia-14 @spongejuice @cyb3r-st4r. if you would like to be added, check my blog. if you would like to be added, check my blog. SEE? I SAID IT TWICE!!

[bathroomtrapped]

saw ask. so let's say hypothetically (not really) all the apprentices are autistic (they are) headcanon them

saw ask ‼️‼️ i completely agree unironically and i keep that in mind when i consume/write/draw saw content. jigsaw apprentices? more like PDA autistics anonymous jfc

i (shamefully) am not an amanda-guy and dont have pretty much any headcanons about her overall so sorry about that but ill do some bullet points for the apprentices bc ive thought TOO MUCH abt this

adam

1. the most obvious PDA manifestation, though i think its strong in mark and lawrence for sure, adam just doesnt mask his. he pretty much built his life around maximizing free will and full control over his schedule

2. constantly reducing sensory input with music and being baked. his apartment is dead silent and dark 24/7 tho

3. honestly i think adam has shocking high levels of empathy. most people in his life wouldnt peg him as someone who would struggle with that but i think its what sets him apart from nearly every saw character. hes so isolated but desperate to understand and connect with other people, even if hes in the shadows

4. studies high class targets and their mannerisms. it helped him function during a few job interviews

5. hates eating, hates effort so pretty much eats like shit. very few specific, cheap, prepackaged meals that he can handle. anything that isnt a time commitment to prepare and eat

6. talks too much to overcompensate (not sure if people are able to understand what hes getting at and ends up rambling)

lawrence

1. i hc him as a narc as well which (as you can imagine) combined with PDA makes instruction/criticism/responsibility stressful so hes constantly overloaded

2. same as above, combined with asd i think its the biggest reason he has that canonical low empathy (similar to mark)

3. can only eat incredibly plain and simple foods. rice, bread, vegetables without butters/oils etc. very picky

4. very little auditory sensory issues after so many years in a hospital and needs noise in order to function (including sleep)

5. started wearing pajamas under his suits after a few years in residency because hes already tired 24/7, the terrible fabric on top of that just makes him insane

6. struggled through med school because lectures are hard to interpret and hes more of a visual learner

7. so much eye contact

8. remember that dog picture in his wallet we see for like 5 seconds? i cant imagine someone like him enjoying the texture or sporadic energy of a dog and makes it sleep in dianas room at night. its not allowed in the office and he meticulously cleans all of the dog hair the second he sees any

9. absolutely allergic to change in every way

mark

1. low empathy as i mentioned before

2. he wears a lot loose fitting suits in canon which i think are for sensory reasons. he clearly prioritizes comfort with those (interesting) track pants?

3. i have joked with my mutuals about his off-putting, autistic ass stare countless times

4. terrible liar because he has less control over his facial expressions and mannerisms. he ends up making too much eye contact and thinks that brutal honesty is a good idea. he has an almost nonexistent filter

5. he reminds me of that brand of autism that a lot of patriarchs have, the kind that goes unnoticed bc theyre the head of the household. meat and potatoes his entire life, strange rituals and routines everyone has to get used to

6. extremely black and white sense of justice and a poor understanding of hierarchal authority. he doesnt get why people are above or below other people and struggles with those concepts

7. everyone in the precinct knows not to joke with mark because it will always fall flat and have to be explained. mark has rly funny but dry and blunt humor himself

[rodolfoparras]

Right?!?? Calling it predatory is beyond awful and it just reeks of vilifying queer people. We aren't safe from it in every day life and now we aren't safe in our online spaces too?? Particularly in a space we curated for us because we want to write and discuss our queer fics?? And the sheer irony of (presumably) straight woman saying we are acting like a woman in gay bar like.....GIRL- GIRL ARE YOU HEARING YOURSELF-

And the twitter situation omg I have to briefly rant. Someone I follow commented on (albeit 2 years old) post of this straight girlie who was whining about the fact that character she likes was confirmed gay and how she wanted to keep drawing him in straight ship with her female self insert but people were mad at her for doing so. Like no shit 😭 she kept doing it for months after and I think she eventually stopped but like erasing character's sexuality like that when he canonically struggled with being gay too is just gross.

And my gods- girlies acting like Astarion is straight and guys acting like Shadowheart is straight is bane of my existence when all companions are canonically queer!!

As for games, Imma finally be able to properly play all of my favourite games because my laptop is so fucking old that it takes forever to play Sims 4 (admittedly I do have billion mods) let alone something else. I only played BG3 on my bestie's PC and I'll finally be able to do it properly 😭 I swear the only game I don't have any problems with playing on current laptop is Monster Prom. I tried playing Resident Evil 4 (another big hyperfixation) and it was so ungodly slow.

-🔮

Right?! And it’s literally on the verge of painting us as PREDATORS for writing fics? Like come on love both me and you know you aren’t that stupid to think what I do is predatory 💀

Also yes!! Like I said a privilege take to make by a straight woman 😭 like the self insert community isn’t a sacred straight space and fanfiction as a whole is not even a straight space 😭

Some ppl will never stop fascinating me bc I don’t understand this obsession straight people have with canonically queer characters. I don’t think I’ve ever seen an exclusively lesbian character and gone “let me make a male insert fic for her” like there is a whole lot of entitlement there. Not to mention how these little self inserts they make are always catered to white women. There was a Valentine’s Day cod post and i believe all characters except for gaz’s partner were white they will literally do anything to ensure there’s content for them

Also I can imagine how slow sims must’ve been my friend who has a good game set up still has issues with the game and I cant even imagine your situation also resident evil sounds like sm fun to play! I’ve only watched play through but I’ve loved every one of them!

[elekinetic]

hey team. buckle up. this is gonna be a long one.

aka let's break down my byler playlist cause i put way too much fucking thought into it

here's the complete playlist. i highly highly recommend listening while you read, but it'll make sense regardless <3

let's dive in.

1. i can't be with you by the cranberries.

we open with the line "lying in my bed again, and i cry cause you're not here." you're in the upside down, you're possessed, you're spending all your time with el, you're in california. they're ALWAYS separated, there's always something pulling them apart. they can't be with each other. "put your hands inside my face and see that it's just you," cause their existence is so informed by each other. constantly on each other's minds. "thinking back on how things were and on how we loved so well." i mean. C'MON. "i wanted to be the mother of your child" ok that's not byler EXACTLY but listen listen listen, dreaming of a future together? playing nintendo and dnd in their basement for the rest of their lives? "put your hands in my hands and come with me, we'll find another end…my head on anyones shoulder cause i cant be with you": basically they are dreaming of a world where everything is easy, where they can be together, but they know that's not the real world. they'll seek other comforts (el, losing yourself in your art, etc) to try to fill the hole in their hearts (y'all know there's more nuance to the el situation but i don't feel like typing all that out lol) dolores o'riordan's wailing is a great expression of the despair of seemingly unrequited love, while the upbeat fast paced drums invoke that teenage-first-love genre feeling through the song, we have dolores assuring herself that she cannot be with this person. its almost like shes trying to convince herself that there's no point to feeling this way bc they're NEVER gonna be together. but she ends with "but i'm still in love with you." there's nothing she can do about it. she can try to deny it all she wants, but its a simple truth. she loves them. they love each other.

2. wicked game by chris isaak.

this is the most stranger things ship coded song ever imo. doomsday love? soulmatism? reluctance? disbelief? wanting something different? HELLO? byler?? lumax?? jopper?? jancy?? "i've never felt this way... i don't wanna fall in love...the world was on fire and no one could save me but you, its strange what desire will make foolish people do, id never dreamed id love somebody like you..." is this song about being upset that a relationship is over? yes. which works for byler! but i think its also about loving intensely. its about looking at the tragedy of existence and saying, your love saved me. i feel so much, and i feel so sad because you mean so much to me. it says, without an ounce of real resentment, how dare you make me care so much? thus we establish from the jump JUST how much they care about each other. how important they are to each other. the song end's with "this world is only gonna break your heart" over and over again, which sets up the tragedy we're abt to be feelin through the rest of this playlist. all aboard the angst train!

3. fade into you by mazzy star.

we're back on that hand holding imagery shit we say in i can't be with you. "i wanna hold the hand inside you." i miss how close we used to be. "i look to you when i see nothing, i look to you to see the truth." -> you have always been the grounding presence in my life. there's a double meaning here of looking to the other person to see the "truth", being that they're never gonna love you like you love them. "fade into you, strange you never knew." its strange you never knew i was in love with you. how much i cared for you. (and if we're talking mike pov, strange you never knew before i fucked it up so bad.) "a stranger's light comes on slowly, a strangers heart without a home" we're strangers now OWWW. i am a stranger to you now, and my heart doesn't have a home.

4. does anybody know by jade bird. do i even have to explain?

pre s4 separation. very sad. california sunshine + s4 heart to hearts in the sun + the colors in you can hurt someone? something something will's painting and the rain fight and their ability to hurt each other.

5. graduation day by chris isaak.

a reflection on what used to be, and an attempt to move on. an attempt that will fail (see: further sad pining songs later in the playlist) "driving slowly, watching the headlights in the rain" - rain fight, will biking away. "think of the good times, wishing you were still with me, the way it used to be.... a million dreams have all gone bad, think of all we had...thinking of a time with everything was right...with only you and i..." HELLO??? once again, the theme of "i miss the way we used to be" makes a reappearance. "i knew it all then, thought you loved me, i was wrong.... learned my lesson now there's nothing left to say." what if i committed mass murder. i knew it all? hello michael. we've also got the theme of growing up. graduation day. they're getting older. on one hand, this could mean them graduating to the big leagues, the final fight. the end of everything is coming. they're almost at the finish line. on the other hand, they could be reflecting on "graduating" out of their childhood feelings and comfort, making peace with the fact that they're older and they don't get to go back to when everything was right.

6. please, please, please, let me get what i want by the smiths.

this song is so simple, and so direct, and so. so. so. sad. its a reflection of how much they love each other. this....this is all i want. he is all i want. my life has been so hard. i could've become a bad person, and i didn't. and that doesn't mean im owed anything. i know that. but can i please get what i want. this is the only thing that i want.

7. there's no need to argue anymore by the cranberries. just....just read it.

highly recommend listening to this song because all it is is vocals and an organ. it is so reflective and soft and introspective. its simple. a simple truth. (i mean you should listen to the whole playlist but yk)

8. boys dont cry by the cure, but covered by I DON'T KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME.

yall already know the drill lyric wise cause. you know. it's boys don't cry. so, im just gonna talk abt why i picked this particular cover. it feels younger, a little less professional, a little more intimate. i love the cure version, but this one just feels...i don't know. it feels like the emotions of a teenage boy.

9. i know its over by the smiths.

this one... oh god. the first verse is "oh mother i can feel the soil falling over my head // and as i climb into an empty bed // oh well, enough said // i know its over, still i cling // i dont know where else i can go." something abt will's relationship with joyce and mike's relationship with karen. something about knowing their relationship with each other is over, knowing that and still not being able to stop thinking about each other. we get a sweet little nod to mileven in verse 2 "sad veiled bride, please be happy, handsome groom, give her room." yeah. if we're talking will's pov and substitute "she" for "he", this line is fucking killer: "loud, loutish lover, treat her kindly. [talking to el now] though [he] needs you, more than [he] loves you" OW and then this whole part.... mike's self hatred is just so chefs kiss.

anyway. this song is mostly just there for vibes. its sad. most of the playlist is sad. yk. it doesnt fit perfectly but pls tell me yall understand the vision.

10. electric indigo by the paper kites.

[this section was previously posted on its own here. there are a few details i left off of that version bc they referenced the playlist, this is slightly different.]

this song is the most mike pov to ever pov ITS INSANE. i'm sorry i didn't see you before. i love you and i'm sorry i hurt you. how do i fix this? how do i get you to come back to me? you're getting line by line annotations, fuck you. "never meant to cause you trouble with my coloured lies" hey. hey remember back during does anybody know when we talked abt "the colors in you, they can hurt someone"? "but you holding me with something locked behind your eyes [real love], you're setting me right // cause you got something that i need [real love], something i can't find" "distance never made me stronger, it tore us apart [hello california], i'm calling, im calling to you [BYERS BUSY PHONE LINE THEORY RISE] // and i know i left you questions and a lonely heart [do you even care what i have to say mike? you called twice! etc etc.]" "but you've been waiting long enough to let it go [i've put you through so much for so long, i get that you are probably done with me at this point, i know i would be] // i'll do you right [im gonna make it up to you, i swear], cause time is just a remedy covered in disguise [i grew up, okay? im better, i know more know. im not like that anymore.]" "and all i know is that i want you so heavy on my mind [i think about you all the time. i want to think about you all the time]" "and the feeling grows, when youre dancing slow. i see your fire go electric indigo [i watch you in your element, i watch you paint and be around our friends and argue with your brother....i see you be unapologetically you, and i just... i love you. i love you.] "what's it gonna, what's it gonna take? what's it gonna, what's it gonna take? what's it gonna, what's it gonna take? (x4) [how do i fix this? how do i show you how much i love you? how do i show you how much i love you?]

11. iris by the goo goo dolls, but covered by chris lanzon.

it's iris. do i even need to explain? i chose this cover the same reason i chose IDKHOW's boys dont cry cover. "it feels younger, a little less professional, a little more intimate. i love the cure version, but this one just feels...i don't know. it feels like the emotions of a teenage boy."

12. lover, you should've come over by jeff buckley.

our penultimate track. its about letting go of expectations, thoughts of who you should be and what you should do, and realizing how much you love someone who you let yourself lose. realizing that you're young and you've really messed up, but realizing what you want and seeking forgiveness. it's mike's realization. its a healthy reflection on how he's hurt the people he loves, and what he really wants. who he wants to be. it's mike growing up. he's willing to give up the trivial shit, the judgement of others and himself, to be with will. not even to be with will, just to let himself love will. there's this line, "maybe i'm just too young to keep good love from going wrong //...you should've come over ... well i'll wait for you." he wants will to come back. he knows he's lost will, and he knows its his fault. but he's telling will, "listen. i know you don't owe me anything. but im here. im here, okay? if any part of you still wants me, or even if you don't, im here."

13. time after time by cyndi lauper, but covered by iron & wine.

like boys don't cry and iris, i chose this cover because it feels softer, subtler, and more masculine. its acoustic, youthful, lighter. stronger. do you guys remember the opening line of the playlist? the first time of i can't be with you? "lying in my bed again, and i cry cause you're not here?" our final track, time after time, opens with "lying in my bed, i hear the clock tick and think of you." full circle moment, but time after time is different. those final thoughts are resolute, sure. i know how i feel, and i am here for you. wherever you are, whatever you need, whoever you were and whoever you become. i'm here. i love you. i love you. i love you.

[getitoffyourchestofficial]

hi this is a lot im sorry. i love to say words and dump shit that upsets me with no real correlation. my bad /gen (genuine) (idk if you know tone indicators im sorry ough)

you dont really Have to cook up a proper response to this i just need to put it somewhere where i wont immediately get piles of advice that i cant use. i know its well-meaning but ultimately the whole situation is ou of anyones control

(also putting this 🎪 here so i can try to find it later)

im stuck in a sisyphean nightmare of a weekly cycle: i have a good day -> my mood skyrockets -> i have a bad day -> my mood plummets -> rinse and repeat. at this point i think it might be a mental condition bc something doesnt even really have to Ruin My Day, i just have to face a minor inconvenience and then suddenly im all doom-and-gloom depression for 3-5 business days before springing back up as if nothing ever happened to do it all again. my mom says i might have bpd or bipolar disorder (i always get the two confused) because she has it and we just havent seen anyone about it, mostly because we dont have the money to see any doctors most of the time. i also kinda dont wanna have either of them? not in like an asshole way but in a these-people-face-stigma-that-i-dont-know-if-i-can-emotionally-handle way. in a im already queer and fat and poor and disabled in multipled ways and overall unsavory to neurotypicals/cishets/Default Settings way. yknow

todays inciting incident was a shitty shitty halloween carnival that didnt even have the thing i was excited for, didnt have any food, had lines that were miles long (hyperbole), was too hot, and i only got 8 shitty halloween things from -- half of which were lollipops, with half of those just being the same 2 flavors but Again. we stayed for 2 hours before my mom decided she didnt wanna be out of the house anymore as usual. i cant be too mad at her because shes mentally ill in the direction of "i dont want to go anywhere because my anxiety will spike" but unfortunately im mentally ill in the direction of "if i cannot leave the house to Do Things at my own pace at least once a week i will fall into a deep depression" so we clash pretty bad most of the time. this was also following multiple minor inconveniences mind you. and was also trailed by multiple minor inconveniences. it just has not gone well. this halloween is just shaping up to suck bc i was supposed to have a whole party but we had money issues so it had to be cut down to just 2 people for a sleepover, then one of them went out to see his grandma in another state and the other is apparently in the fucking hospital right now??? at least according to his posts. and i cant blame them for these either! schedules conflict and sometimes you go to the Fuckig Hosital. its out of anyones control but it still feels like shit. so its looking like my only shot at having any fun this halloween is the trunk-or-treat at my school and idk if im even allowed to go bc i had to drop out for mental health reasons and they told me i wasnt allowed on school grounds anymore. idk if that applies here. which btw. way to make a depressed kid feel worse. you can NEVER come to this high school again or we'll ARREST YOU. fuckin bullshit. BUT thats off topic the synopsis is that this halloween sucks so far and i dont really expect it to get better which extra sucks bc im turning 18 next year and i dont wanna let this be the last hurrah for my number one favorite holiday. i cant host fucking parties for my friends after then. im gonna be busy trying to fuck off to the other end of the country. i wont have TIME for it. idk. it sucks. this sucks. fuck art and fuck you /ref (reference) /nbh (nobody here)

Ik you don't want advice for this so I'll just put it on the blog.

And idk if you want it but here's a tea

☕

[777cherry-blossom777]

SPOILERS FOR STRANGER THINGS VOLUME 2

Ok here’s a list of why everyone is saying this volume was bad. (Part 3)

I’ll sort it into categories bc why not (each group is in a different post bc this is way too long)

CALI SQUAD 1

1. Their plot at first was so stupid. There was literally no purpose. They were running around trying to get the message about the military to El, WHO ALREADY KNEW. sure they didnt know that but at least give them a purpose!

2. When they did finally save El, they were absolutely useless. Sure Argyle got them the salt but the whole point of their group was El. Once again, the entire team relied on her. Like I said in part 2, the d&d game at the beginning really had me hoping for a new hero when Dustin rolled an 11 and got out.

3. Byler. I have soooo much to say on this but im gonna start with how the cast and Netflix themselves handled it. For the entirety of June (pride month) and before, they soaked up all the praise they were getting about finally making byler canon. From Netflix’s official account posting videos mocking El and Mike’s relationship multiple times, to the cast always confirming byler and being all giggly like it was going to be some happy ship, this was the type of queerbaiting I was definitely not expecting to see from a sci-fi YA tv show set in the 80s (the whole show is just gay, like not even counting the characters just the idea). In 2022. Do better.

4. Byler part 2. Yes Will is gay. Which means Netflix hinted at every opportunity that their ONLY TWO queer characters would be getting into a relationship and yet not only were they both still single at the end of the season, they were used to further straight relationships!!! Will’s pain and heartfelt monologue was just used to further the toxic straight relationship, and the painting scene was heartbreaking. Not only did we not even get a coming out scene (yes I get hes a kid but seriously with all the homophobia in this show they’ve said so many slurs its a little weird they cant say gay), but will was literally forced to watch as they excluded him from everything. Hes not a punching bag differ brothers, you cant make every bad thing happen to him.

5. Mike’s character. Related to reasons #2 and #3, but what is his excuse? He suddenly switched from a caring, protective friend (s1 and 2) to mean and shallow (s3 and 4). Out of nowhere he was awkwardly avoiding Will, his BEST FRIEND SINCE AGE FIVE, for no reason. Everyone said internalised homophobia, aka Mike using the classic ‘you make time feel things I shouldnt be feeling so im not gonna be around you anymore so I stop feeling this’ tactic. This would also explain why he never says I love you to El, and why the one time he did try to say it before volume 2 (in s3) he was awkward as hell and avoided the word completely. Seeing as this is apparently not the case, WHERE IS HIS EXCUSE?! He suddenly switched from treating Will like the light of his life to treating Will like shit. Ignoring him, excluding him, not even noticing him CHOKING ON TEARS WHILE WILL WAS LITERALLY SITTING NEXT TO HIM? No. That just doesn’t make sense with his s1 and 2 character.

Im gonna make another part for this group because I have more to say.

[werefag]

hang on like almost none of u play it but i wanna share my #thoughts on the various gw2 story arcs ... hii

base story - i honestly dont have much to say 👍 its very obviously the first thing written for gw2 and its not BAD imo its just a bit cheesy. which im ok with i think its cute i love trahearne i love the order mentors but i think they killed those off way too early in the story. tybalt forever. however the last arc (everything after claw island) drags on FOREVER and they need to cut the airship part out of victory or death

season 1 - scarlet is a very fun villain But otherwise i wasnt too into this season it was kind of just character introductions. also can i be honest i couldnt play past tower of nightmares bc u cant solo it

season 2 - s2 was a very fun set up for the expac. i dont like dry top i love the silverwastes The labyrinth mission was fun tbh. and that crazy sylvari guy. the zephyrites are nothing to me. the playing as caithe bits were annoying (stealth mission 😐😐) but i liked the reveal at the end. i think ppl give caithe too much shit for how she acted in her early life she was literally 2 years old.

heart of thorns - originally this expansion made me rage quit the game for several years bc i hated the maps so much but now i love love heart of thorns its my favorite. tue vibes the environment the whole set up of it being a race against time before the jungle overwhelms the pact bc theyre in unknown territory and in an extremely unfavorable position w most of their firepower missing was so fun + i love the chak. :) THOUGH im biased bc u do kind of have to play this expac w a sylvari to get the full extent of mordremoths threat imo

rata novus arc was kind of unnecessary to me but whatever. FUCK the migraine achievement though. probably the hardest story content in terms of difficulty. i wish we had another one or two story chapters set in the last map instead of directly jumping at mordremoth.

season 3 - my favorite bits here were raising aurene tbh. i love lazarus' design but i didnt play gw1 so i wasnt invested in those story points. the maps were whatever But i love braham dearly and i hate the shit ppl give him for this season bc afaik hes the first person in the commanders friend group to actually like. oppose them for once instead of just following along w everything. and like he did it bc he was mourning his mother who died horribly its only natural hed act rashly + not listen to reason. he was desperate to prove himself after living in the shadow of his mothers legend (eir can die in a ditch tho she sucked) in conclusion Be so nice to braham

i got sidetracked braham is my favorite character uhhhh im kind of... meh at this season being a set up to path of fire didnt hate it didnt love it either

path of fire - i liked the environments + characters + utlizing mounts for traversal But hated kasmeer and her fantasy christian bullshit 😭😭. I think the "gods left tyria to die bc they didnt want to deal with one of their own bc blah blah Consequences" was kind of dumb/lazy. the expac is overshadowed by s4 later tbh HOWEVER it still has probably my favorite story chapter in this entire game (the departing ❤️❤️❤️)

the bits abt stealing jokos army disguised as one of his generals was so fun to me even tho i hated the mummy mission lol. balthazar as a villain was not impressive to me but i appreciated the break from constant elder dragon threat to it being Disgraced God Threat. and then we immediately jump back to dragon bullshit. i do wish we got more time with vlast he was kind of a nothing character ??? literally 30 seconds of screen time

season 4 - #jokosweep i love this season and its characters Joko is one of my favorite villains in this game i wish we got more time with him. i love koss. we get to reconcile with braham we meet blish and gorrik and i always love the asura. all the chapters here were very fun to play through imo EXCEPT the stealth mission. again. and dragonfall... ❤️ one of the best extra maps to me

i liked the characterization of kralkatorrik in the end but i think aurenes ascension came too soon.

icebrood saga - god i love the start of icebrood saga so so much the horror elements were SO cool to me. esp the scene w the fraenir and the vibes/environments were so hmm idk a good word. like scary stressful. also im biased to charr and this was charr focused so. like icebrood very much had the potential to be gw2s best story arc imo w that set up but. forged steel and champions just drag it down so much those two specific episodes were just bad and too damn long. especially forged steel my fucking god im never playing that shit again

champions had the issue of being EXTREMELY rushed and things just seemed to happen for no reason and primordus got literally 0 screentime and was written badly as just some Mindless Force of Nature imo. i do understand this is all consequences of covid + they were Rushing to wrap this arc up to prepare for new expac release but it just left me disappointed at the conclusion. the other episodes are very strong to me nonetheless and as long as i ignore champions and forged steel its fine lmao. i love crecia and malice and efram dearly

i also like the money drizzlewood coast makes me 🙂

end of dragons - definitely the weakest of the 3 expansions LMAOOOOO i didnt care for anka she was kind of just edgy for the sake of being edgy. i didnt hate her i just didnt understand why she had to be in the story IMO if we got another full season w her as the main villain there it wouldve been better + a better set up for the expac in general. i love that they brought mai trin back + scarlet just a little bit with Revenant shenanigans. ivan the communist mole. joon was a very cool/fun character ill miss her. rama and his hat ❤️ but none of the maps or plot points really had me invested idk God i fucking hate new kaineng its so bad to traverse. the masteries also left something to be desired :-/ fishing got boring pretty fast sadly But i do really want those titles lol

i think eod just suffered from hype because this was very obviously the Closing Arc to the elder dragon storyline thats been central to the game for 10 years now and the entire thing just left me. disappointed. idk. i didnt mind the void plot point bc finally having a more concrete reason on why killing elder dragons w/o having replacements for their magic domains is catastrophical was better instead of just "ahh world blow up" but i do hate how they handled it? i wish we got more time with soo-won before she went crazy and also that we somehow got to save her tbh. my biggest pet peeve was how ALL the void enemies were just fucking retextures of previous dragon minions it felt lazy especially for a full expansion

i will say i enjoyed playing the last mission and i had a ton of fun i just didnt enjoy the conclusion to the story overall You know

i DONT like how they handled aurene because i dont think they shouldve used her as a fix it all solution to the elder dragon replacement problem + again i think her ascension happened too fast and i wouldve preferred it if it happened before/during the eod finale. idk i think it wouldve been more interesting if we had to find other beings for each domain of magic instead of just throwing it all on aurene Like the Pale Tree Is Right There As A Mordremoth Domain Conduit but what do i know... 🙄

Also what the hell is a giant gothic cathedral doing in the middle of cantha

what lies beneath/within - i dont know the entire thing was just kind of meh atleast u didnt have to pay for it lmao. i think going to the restaurant with rama was funny but this just felt like a lazy The pc acknowledges their trauma or whatever bit. they were kind of just banking on nostalgia for the previous story arcs But i dont fucking understand why we got a Mourn/reminisce about cinder instance but not trahearne?!?!?!? 😭😭 chul-moo was funny though and his relationship w yao is cute :)

personal ranking least to most fav 👇

s1 < base story < s2 < what lies within/beneath < eod < s3 < path of fire < icebrood saga < s4 < heart of thorns. ok thank u

[f1nalboys]

ok i’ve collected my thoughts on evil dead rise so under the cut i will share them hehe!! THERE R SPOILERS UNDER HERE!!! i talk abt what i liked and didn’t like and i talk specifically abt scenes!!!! if y’all wanna talk to me abt it more feel free to send me an ask, i’m abt to nap cus of cramps but i will answer them when i’m up <3 lmk if u agree or not and what ur fave scenes were!!!

so

i didn’t hate it! i’d say overrall this is a high three or a very low 4, but i don’t think i’ll be rewatching this any time soon :/ i def prefer the 2013 remake but this was still enjoyable and i had a good time watching it!!!

i think the problem i had was i had seen the trailers (which were all clips basically? at least the official ones i found on tik tok were clips from the movie) and had spoiled major moments of it for myself. normally i’m okay with and love spoilers but i think i would’ve enjoyed this one in particular more if the few scenes had been a surprise to me!!

things i loved: ELLIE!!!! holy shit, i truly think she stole the show. the difference in her as human vs as a deadite was so cool, i loved her mommy shtick she kept through out, and i think she was so eerie (i legit had a nightmare abt her killing me a few days ago before i had even watched the movie and that never happens) so!!!! i also liked the story and the change of setting, it being in an apartment and confined on that one floor (for the most part) was so interesting and i loved the difference in the book of the dead from the other movies AND the vinyl!!!! the gore was top notch and i saw lots of practical effects which will always make a movie at least 2 stars for me!! also the girl who played kassie was good AND she did her own stunt for the elevator scene which was so cool hehe. i liked the more subtle call backs to the past movies in the franchise more than the overt ones!!

i rlly liked the scenes of ellie in the hallway through the peephole and how there was blood dripping over it!!! i I LOVED THE SCENE WHERE ELLIE IS LAYING OK THE GROUND AND BRIDGET AND DANNY CRY OVER HER BODY BEFORE LAUGHING. it was such a good scene omg!!!! also the scene of bridget under the sheet floating down the hallway following danny and kassie GODDDDD!!!! and not to praise deadite ellie again but the way she moves was so cool hehe, i rlly liked how subtly off they all walked and how it felt like they were getting used to being in a body again!!!

i also loved the opening title card scene after the girl falls into the water!!!! seeing her rise up in a blasphemous way along w the title card and have it reflect in the water OH it was so good!!! and the scene where the girl is talking and saying the line of the book the other one is reading made me go 😦😦 so!!!

also im also glad they didn’t include a tree scene, but they payed homage w the elevator wires. that scene was unnecessary in the first movies and is one of my least fave parts of the franchise (especially with how Certain Fans treat it) so i’m glad they didn’t include it LMFAO

things i didn’t like: most of the acting 😔 i feel bad knocking the actors bc obviously i’m not one and idk how difficult it is, but the acting from the non-deadites really fell flat for me most of the time :/ the main girl, beth, was so close to mia in looks and attitude it just kept making me think of her which wasn’t good bc i prefer mia LMFAO 😔 the acting from bridget was rlly where i found the movie lacking though :/ some of the shots were def not my type of directing style but i know they’re all call backs to the franchise so i cant knock them too bad but the weird split screen stuff that happened (only 2 times???) was enough for me to text my friend and go “ew” LMAO. i also hated how under utilized the other characters were! the old man, the young guy who maybe had a thing with ellie, the 2 kids. it was rlly obvious they were there to boost the body count to me which sucked :(

also side note beth’s acting rlly annoyed me towards the end especially in the garage with the close ups of her face and her lip twitching but JDNWKDNWJ again thags a personal thing so i’m choosing to ignore it when i rate the movie

the baby stuff w beth was annoying as was the groupie thing but i think that’s just me so i didn’t count it against them hehe. the scene where all of the deadite are telling beth and kassie “dead by dawn” was so fucking cheesy i couldn’t find it in myself to be even a little unnerved which sucked bc i kind of loved the combining scene but it felt lack luster at the end… some of the character decisions were also so ridiculous and i KNOW it’s a movie but guys. stop leaving ur weapons embedded in them. TAKE THEM EITH YOU. PLEASE. i know it wouldn’t have helped but at the end why r u leaving it up to chance??? i also thought the ending scene was a little meh with her not noticing the blood filled parking lot until after she was in her car? idk and to add to that, the opening scene was kind of :/ but i liked the drone fake out they did

[blueiight]

since shows and actors submit individual episodes for emmy consideration they just need one episode to be extremely buzzy/tailored to them. this is also why zendaya wins cause the show always does an episode focusing on her character that makes for a great tape.

Y u act like institutional & implicit bias is mutually exclusive from the technicals of how the consideration -> nomination proces works?. idk about zendaya but i cant think of more than 2 episodes of pose that was centered around pray tell(billy porter’s character). this isnt an indictment on zen or porter or the individual actors involved. this is an indictment on the selection process. more often than not if theres 1 or a few black people theyll find the lightest black person of the bunch if not choose the nonblack/white person. if theres all black people theyll choose the (cis) man. this is how implicit bias works in institutions. elektra & blanca were far more relavent to the story and key figures in the rl history that inspired pose but bc their actors were black + trans irl their episodes did not pass the nomination procedures or werent even selected to be nominated.. who knows but theres levels to this shit. all of this is to say dont set urself up for dissapernted when award szn come around& iwtv dont get shit. cuz institutions r discriminatory n often move in this way.

[acaciapines]

So I took a nap while in the car today and. I had such a strong fucking bird dream that my arms were still aching from flight and I was out of breath when dream-bird-me inevitably crashed into a tourist after diving too low to pull up on short notice and I woke up

That’s the strongest and clearest bird kinshift I’ve had in at least 8 months. Holy shit.

Have confirmed that whatever bird I am, it’s massive. Like fucking humungous. At least 2/3rds to the full size of an adult human when standing on the ground. Like I could probably hunt and eat humans for a decent meal. Oh yeah that’s another thing, I’m def a raptor of some kind, my eyesight was too good for me not to be a hunting bird, and since I’m huge I prolly have a natural diet of… like. I want to say sheep-to-wolf sized creatures? Maybe deer? The occasional human? I am so fucking big wtf

I thiiink? That my feathers are blue? Like the ones I have in bankai kinshift, and the ones my kinsona has? But. Sometimes they go brown, like a golden eagle’s. Sometimes. And then they go the same light blue/teal/azure colour that my kinsona wings are again. So, not quite set on plumage colour just yet.

I’m gonna assume that my natural habitat is cliffy areas, for several reasons: my size (I would fucking love to see the tree that can hold 2 adults + a nest of chicks of whatever bird is my fucking size), the fact that my shifts leave me dreaming of and yearning for sheer cliffs and drops and the wide expanse of the endless ocean with waves soaking my feathers in salty sea spray, and the fact that the constant whipping winds of a cliff coastline make me spread my arms like wings almost on instinct and make me want to jump just so I can pull up at the last second and start soaring.

I so desperately want to fly. I miss it even though I’ve never done it. Driving really fast is something but it’s just not the same…

HAWKKIN. GIVE ME THY WISDOM. HOW IN THE FUCK DO I DEAL WITH THIS

okay not gonna try w/ the 'what bird am i???' part bc obvi that is something you have to decide for yourself, but for the flying side of things...

IT SORT OF JUST NEVER GOES AWAY. at least for me. like there is always some part of me yearning for the sky so matter where i am and i nearly always feel wings in some way shape or form even if they cant actually carry me anywhere. whenever i go up into the mountains i cant get too close to the edge because the desire to just jump and know i'll have wings to catch me is incredibly overpowering.

like the thing is there isnt much you can do about this. ive seriously looked into like, hanggliding, wingsuiting, but all of that stuff is like. dfngdfg firstly expensive secondly the amount of training you gotta do makes SENSE but i am not in a place in life where i could even begin to deal with that. maybe one day is the best i can really do.

mostly i deal with these longings by like...driving is one of them. less for the speed part and more for the gliding aspect: getting somewhere very far away, eventually. sometimes i see hawks alongside the road so high up in the sky and thats a longing i cant do anything about.

otherwise i write and draw. what else can you really do? it gives me something, some way to figure this out. dreams are good, if you happen to get one where you're able to fly: ive gotten a few of those and treasure them all deeply. i like watching livecams of hawk nests. always check in on the cornell hawks every year. my animorphs fic alterhuman was very much inspired by my own experiences as a hawk.

its a lot of walking down hills and thinking i should be able to jump and catch the warm air and drift lazily the rest of the way. going up into the mountains and lingering far too long in the places where the entire world is sprawled below you. what if.

i tend to see my hands as talons and want to interact with the world as if they are. when i was little i was toothless (the dragon) for halloween and my grandmother helped make my costume by sewing wings into the sides of a shirt, so when i spread out my arms it revealed wings, there. i dont know what happened to that shirt. sometimes i think about trying to make another one.

i spend too many hours looking into falconry and how one goes about getting into it. i talk to people who've been able to band birds and want to go along with them--for the experience, sure, but mainly because i want a band for myself. thinking about getting myself a custom metal bracelet and spelling my name out on it in numbers, in the same way you might attach a metal band to a hawk's leg.

dunno. you just keep on keeping on, i guess.

[loser-jpg]

guess who came up with an entire new thought out story idea bc they were listening to music then info dumped to their friend only for the friend to tell them that coming up with that much detail in like an hour is not normal :D.

anyway heres idea:

so its set before normal tech basically renaissance era but not really bc i dont feel like drawing fancy dresses

so the main character (guy 1) is like the heir to this noble family and bc of that a lot of ppl want to kill him, so this one prestigious college (not really bc characters are like 22-28) has a good security system so he decides to go there and he has a girlfriend there but the girlfriend he notices is always paying attention to this one guy who never talks to ppl much (guy 2)

so guy 1 hates him obvi but recently the main guard of the security system retires so the security goes to shit and one night guy 1 is walking when this girl shows up behind him and trys to kill him but then guy 2 shows up and just fucking bashes the girls head in. like she didnt have a second to do anything before shes bleeding out on the ground.

so guy 1 and guy 2 are just staring at eachother in shock as guy 2 is absolutely covered in blood and then runs away like "oh shit i fucked up" but guy 1 is standing there w 3 things going through his head "oh fuck that was kinda hot", "i could so use this/him (for evil schemes >:3)", and just insane obsession cuz this guy just shows up outa nowhere and kills someone for him no hesitation.

so for a while after this guy 2 is freaking out because if someone tells he doesnt think hes going to get out of it even for self defense because the girls family had donated a ton of money to the school and he thinks guy 1 hates him so hes like "well im fucked" but through this time guy 1 is silently being nice to him. everyone else still thinks they hate eachother. also the school finds the body so ppl are on edge bc they dont know what happened

eventually they end up alone and guy 2 confronts him and is like "i thought you hated me?" "i did" "so why didnt you tell anyone" "you saved me, why would i tell anyone? though im suprised you didnt say anything yourself" "i knew her, she sat next to me in class, her family was well respected at school. if i said anything no one would believe me. her name was anne." "Forenich. Her family spent the past few months donating money to the school. her grades were disastrous and her familys reputation was even worse. the only reason her family did a thing was probably to get her in the school long enough to try to kill me." "and why that? what if it was just a spur of the moment thing?" "unlikely, i happened to look at her file, she handed the paperwork to drop out just a week ago, and to do this right as the head guard resigned?" "how did you even see her file?" "a family name goes a long way here" "huh?" "...you have no clue who you go to school with do you. I am the HEIR to the *insert family name here*. I am the MOST important person at this school. I deal with assasination attempts on a typical tuesday. And seeing as this school has become unfit to protect me, and you have no hesitation to kill for me im going to offer you a position, for my permanent time at this school or until it becomes safe for me to live here again, you will be my personal guard. of course your studies will come first as i cant be protected by someone incompetent."

and so guy 2 is just like "WHAT JUST HAPPENED MAN" but isnt complaining cuz if some hot guys gonna be ordering him to be around him he aint gonna complain.

the majority of the story is just going to be guy 2 liking guy 1 thinking guy 1 doesnt know but guy 1 knowing and also liking guy 2 but slightly more insanely obsessed. guy 1 is way more cunning and manipulative than guy 2 and guy 2 is kinda just along for the ride ready to kill if guy 1 says to.

i only have like one actual plot point/arc but its gonna take more time to write out and my fingers are tired of typing so ill write it later.

[sereniv]

i wish there was a way to fix my cats eyes

his eyes are kind of tiny and kind of crossed some times

so he cant look at things directly

which is cute its fine i knew that when i got him that he probably had vision problems

but even cats with vision problems or blind cats play by sound or flashing lights

and i got a new laser with different settings to make the dot bigger so he could see

and i try to go slow when using something on a string so he can track it, or pay attention to contrast like his dark toys against a white back ground

but idk what it is about him but he is so SLOW

Not mentally but like hes picky! he gets bored to quick if i didnt flick a string in the exact way he wanted it

and a lot of the times he wants to chase something like run across the house which requires me to run across the house which

im disabled so its very difficult and i can only do it like once or twice

ive tried getting electronic things like renote controlled which he couldnt give a shit about

he doesnt play by himself so its all on me

and yeah you could say that 'well thats how some cats are and you should have been prepared'

but i have worked with cats at a shelter for years, i have had cats my whole life

even my last cat who wanted to go outside and would yowl eventually settled down and would play with himself

i feel bad bc hes obviously bored, and he wants to go out and he wants to play but everytime I try to play he either doesnt engage, gets bored, cant properly see the toy, or i have to stand in an awkward position with a toy while he wiggles for like 2 whole minutes or else i lose his interest

which always hurts but i fight through it

but i can only do all of thia for a few minutes and then im tired

like if he was attracted to sound it would be SO much easier bc then we wouldnt have to rely on him seeing the toy

but he wants to see the toy, and he wants it in a very specific way

i feel bad but its also stressful bc i feel bad but also bc i want to relax

and most of his toys anyway he gets bored of after a few weeks.

ughhh idk what to do

he likes catnip sort of but barely. ive gotten him silvervine and he likes that but barely

if only he liked play fighting bc i love that

that i could do

is there a way to teach a cat to like play fighting??