#i did. earlier but that was earlier and u wasn’t thinking properly then (and yknow clearly i am now)

[autism-disco]

i got lossed by desmos what the hell

[crowtrinkets]

Barista’s Adventures in Wonderland

Chapter 2: An Elf, a Manor, and a Catman

The Barista is still trying to find a way out of this strange dream, but they meet even stranger people on the way

Word Count: 3,789

Pt 1

Whooooo chapter 2, I stopped at like 2000 and was like yknow what lets keep going ;u;. Enjoy, gender neutral Barista as always

The dirt crunches under my feet as I follow down the path. Thank god I bought nice shoes for work otherwise I would be covered in blisters by now. As I continue down I spot something in the brush of trees. I get closer and realize it’s a door inlaid into a rock wall. The bushes surrounding it unfortunately are all white giving it an ominous look.

"Go through the creepy door? Or continue in this creepy forest in a strange place?" I ask out loud. Weighing my options I grab the key Felix handed me earlier and put it in the lock. Wincing for a second in fear that this door too will scream at me. But nothing happens and the key turns to unlock the door for me. I walk in and close the door behind me and stop to observe the room I've entered. A yellow couch and a desk sit in the center. There's a large bookcase that extends across the walls and reaches the ceilings, but despite its massive size, there are still piles of books stacked everywhere. Some reaching half my height. In the corner, I spot a kitchenette.

"Man this guy likes to read," I mumble to myself. "What was he asking for again his relic? And Glass-" I stop mid-sentence. Patting the pockets of my apron I pull out the book and glasses I picked up earlier and held them in front of me.

"Right I had them all this time… This is awkward," I mutter and place the items on the desk. "Maybe I can wait here and when he comes looking for me I can ask for a way out of wherever here is," I speculate. My stomach rumbles and I place my hand on it in an attempt to console complaints. My eyes travel to the kitchenette I saw earlier.

"I mean maybe a snack couldn't hurt, he did ask me for a favor," Approaching the cabinets I open them only to find, a small wine bottle that says drink me.

"Oh you've got to be kidding me," I grab the bottle to inspect it, opening the lid I take a whiff, sure enough, coffee. Just like the bottle from before. Running a hand over my face I let out a frustrated groan.

"This is the weirdest dream I've ever had!" I look back at the small bottle still open and still in my hand.

"That’s right… a dream," I ponder for a second and then. "Fuck it," I upturn the bottle and empty its contents into my mouth swallowing it like a cheap tequila shot. The flavor of lattes and espresso fills my taste buds and then it's gone. I put the bottle down and inspect my hands, trying to determine if I have grown or shrunk this time. Nothing.

"Well, I guess that wasn’t so-" I stop when my head smacks something hard above me. Letting out a slew of curses I crouch and cradle my poor crown.

"Ow ok, I guess I grew," Still crouching I look around the room, in my rapid growth it seems I had knocked over a few of the many stacks of books. I adjust so I'm sitting on my bottom and try to gauge my situation.

"Ok well I definitely cannot fit through the door," I say as I see my shoe is now much larger than said door. As I shuffle uncomfortably I hear voices approach.

"Well I don't know where he went I asked him to fetch my things but he has yet to return," a familiar voice grows closer, muffled behind the door.

"But the Duke-" an unfamiliar voice.

"Yes! I am aware the Duke is still expecting me but I cannot leave without my glasses or my relic, I will only be a moment," I let out a small gasp when I realize it's Felix. The door suddenly is pushed open but is stopped by the heel of my shoe.

"Oof! What in the heavens," Felix sounds annoyed and confused. I move my foot so he can open the door properly. He pushes the door open and lets out a gasp when he sees me.

"Hi Felix as you can see I'm kind of in a sticky situation," I attempt a joke.

"The giant!" he yells. Felix lifts a fist and green fire emits from his palm when he opens his hand.

"Oh! No thanks," I say and I quickly kick the door closed careful not to break it. I hear shouting and banging on the other side of the door as I use my foot to keep it closed, trying to find some way out. I grab the couch, which might as well be the size of a Barbie's in comparison to my large size, and place it in front of the door.

"I am ordering you to apprehend this giant!"

"Sorry sir you're not Miss Anka you can't order me to do anything," an exhaustive groan escapes Felix.

"Must I do everything myself?" he grumbles. I crawl over to the desk and start to search the drawers hoping I can find anything to shrink me or even to defend myself. I am not in the mood to be burned by green fire. I finally open the bottom drawer and I find a familiar item. A desert case with flan inside labeled "eat me". Without making any second guesses I upturn the case and drop the flan into my hand, throwing it into my mouth and praying I shrink to a decent size. Squinting my eyes closed I wait and wait, the desert case seeming to grow larger in my hand. When I open my eyes it's bigger than before, not comically so but much too large to appear normal. I stand and realize I'm about as high as the desk.

"Ok toddler size is better but still not great," I sigh. The sound of the door cracking startles me and I run to hide behind the desk. I hear the sound of the couch creaking against the wood floor as it is suddenly pushed a few feet back. I hold my breath and peek around the desk. In walks Felix and a man dressed as what I am assuming a knight.

"Where is it?" Felix mutters under his breath. He lets out a yelp when he notices a pile of books, all open and laying on top of each other. When Felix's back is turned as he attempts to right his collection I make a run for the door.

-

I run and run until my legs ache, not even bothering to keep track of where I am going, I stop to catch my breath, doubling over in a heaving mess. After catching my breath I decide to look at my surroundings, I am caught off guard when I realize I am not surrounded by trees but in fact large mushrooms. I look up and inspect the telltale gills many mushrooms have on their underside, backing up I try to take in the scope of just how large this mushroom is.

"Oh my god," I whisper. I suddenly hear the shuffle of fabric on top of the mushroom and a person peers over the edge. The first thing I notice about this person is that they have pointed ears. I try not to stare but I'm so amazed that I forget to speak.

"Well, who might you be hm?" They lean into their palm looking at me with a sort of annoyance crossed with curiosity.

"Oh um, I-I am uh," I'm still a little shocked and the person seems to take note. They let out a sigh.

"Never seen an elf before have you?" They ask. I decide to refrain from speaking and give a slow nod, flushing with embarrassment.

"I would be surprised if you did, you don't seem to be from around here, in all honesty, you look lost and a little naïve," Suddenly they disappear and toss a rope ladder over the side. "Come, join me," They say. I observe the ladder with a sort of hesitance, giving it a slight tug to be sure it won't fall whilst I climb. Deeming the ladder worthy of my ascension I climb up and onto the mushroom cap. Once I am at the top the person I met is sitting, long draping clothes cover their body. Multiple glass jars of different sizes and shapes surround them. In close proximity, I realize just how tall they are, although I am now the size of a child they still appear to be at least 6 feet in height. Once I settle down next to them, they tilt a glass container in my direction.

"Uhm what is that?" I ask.

"Lotion," they say. I mumble thanks and take some in my hand. It smells of lavender.

"Thank you uh-" I hesitate.

"Saaros," they respond. "So what are you doing here? You appear to be a traveler although that get up is not very travel friendly," I look down at my apron and sweater letting out a laugh.

"Oh yea uh, no I'm just lost and looking for a way out," Saaros eyes me, a smirk forming on their lips.

"Oh? And perhaps it isn't because you are looking for love?" they question. A small undignified escapes me as I feel my face warm.

"N-no, I'm lost and I just need to find a way out, I've only met a few people here and besides it's not like I'm- I'm looking for a man named Felix. He has a red waistcoat and messy looking hair, a-and I think he does magic?" I trail off thinking about Felix. I guess he wasn't bad-looking but he mistook me for someone else and then got scared of me as well. What a strange man Felix is. Saaros leans towards me, their smirk never leaving.

"No! I am not looking for love," I avoid eye contact, hoping to see something that will drag me out of this awkward situation. Saaros lets out a hum.

"Very well then, I however must get going," they stand and start to gather the bottles surrounding them and placing the items into a bag.

"But wait, I'm still lost!" I plead. Without another look at me, Saaros begins to climb down the step ladder they tossed down earlier. I lean over the edge and watch as Saaros descends.

"Could you at least tell me how to get back to my normal size? I'm not usually this small," I call out. Saaros looks up at me, an annoyed expression plastered on their face. They sigh.

"Very well," With one arm holding themselves on the ladder they point with the other. "The right side will allow you to shrink, while the left will allow you to grow, simple enough?" They ask. I give a small nod. They then point their hand in the opposite direction from where I came.

"If you go that direction you may find Blackthorn Hall, there you may find your dear Felix," I flush at their use of "dear" but elected to ignore it.

"Thank you," a small smile forms on my lips. Saaros gives me a nod and continues down the ladder, eventually reaching the floor, and disappearing into the forest. Turning back around I look at the mushroom I am sitting upon.

"Right to shrink left to grow," I mumble to myself. I grab a tiny piece of the left side and take a bite. Suddenly I grow much larger, way too large. My legs now dangling over the side of the mushroom cap.

"Too much," I yelp. I take a bit of the right side, even smaller than the last and I shrink down once again, I look at my surroundings trying to gauge if I am at least my normal height. Deeming myself as being back to normal I ascend down the ladder as well, heading the direction Saaros pointed me to.

-

I follow the path Saaros gave me and once I round a bend I stumble across a creepy-looking manor. It's not that it is unkempt or dirty, it's actually rather beautiful, but something about the particular building is giving off an unsettling aura. I let out a slow long sigh and approach its doors. Once I approach the front I find I am not alone. I see a very very large woman standing in front of the door. The door opens slightly, barely giving me a view of who is on the other side. The woman and whoever is on the other side of the door exchange a few words. I can make out the woman's name is Orion, and that the letter she hands him is an invitation meant for the Duke by the Queen, to attend a dinner. The man thanks Orion and then closes the door. Her posture remains stiff and upright, almost military-like, and as she turns around she spots me.

"Oh uh, hello, is the Duke in there?" I ask. Orion's expression remains inscrutable as she looks down at me from atop the steps. She gives me a slow nod and then sits on the stairs.

"Are you waiting for him?" I question, slowly ascending towards the door.

"I am but a messenger, and the next time a letter is sent I will send it again, it's all I do," She responds.

"Oh um, ok," I respond. Ok, that was strange and kind of cryptic. "Well I'm just gonna-" I point towards the door, but Orion's eyes still look forward into the distance. I let out a small nod and walk up to the door, and then I lightly rap on it.

"He won't answer," Orion suddenly speaks up, never bothering to look at me. Just before I can respond I hear the sound of broken glass and yelling. I open the door and a glass bowl suddenly flies out and narrowly misses Orion's head, who doesn’t react.

"What the hell," I mutter. I run inside to see what the commotion is, not even bothering to second guess myself. The door closes behind me and I am suddenly shrouded in darkness.

"Hello?" I call out, my nerves slowly start to build as I attempt to see through the darkness. Walking forward I hit a wall. Running my hands on it I hear a sound to my right. I look over and once my eyes adjust to the darkness I realize I see the outline of light poking out from under a door. Feeling along the walls, I approach the door until my hand finds a doorknob. I turn it slowly, allowing the door to open, squinting my eyes as the light that comes through blinds me.

When I finally open my eyes I can see the room in front of me. A green dining room with a long table with only two people sitting in it. On the left side is a hearth, a woman with long pale blonde hair slaves over a pot mixing its contents. The two at the table however catch my eye the most. They sit across from each other on the short end of the table, whispering and glaring at the other across from them. The man on the right has long dark hair that is greying, his heavy black and green robes compliment the room perfectly, almost as though this may be his house. The woman on the left has dark leather pants and a white shirt with mesh sleeves showing off her plethora of tattoos. I can't help but think they look familiar. The food in front of them consists of soup and wine, a strange dinner choice. My attention moves back to the woman at the cooking pot. No one has seemed to have noticed me yet. Are those… cat ears? On her head? My face twists with confusion. But something moving in the corner catches my eye. A man with a long purple coat and dark pants perches on a windowsill, high up. I realize he is not wearing a shirt and he too has cat ears. His ears are white to match his long braided hair, and the thing that caught my attention was his equally as whitetail. He catches sight of me and gives me a toothy smile, then winking.

"Why does that man have cat ears and a tail," I catch myself thinking out loud.

"He's an Ilpheta of course," I quickly turn my head and realize the man at the table has taken notice of me. An almost sinister smirk creeps onto his lips.

"Well, I didn't know cat boys existed," I attempt a joke, feeling awkward that I've been caught in this man's home.

"You don't seem to know very much do you?" The man says it's more of a statement than a question. Feeling insulted I clench my fists. He's technically correct, I really don't know anything about this place but I don’t need him telling me that.

"Now now Escell, no need to insult our guest," the woman says, peeking a glance at me.

"I hardly remember inviting them Scylla," He responds. Suddenly the sound of broken glass catches me off guard. The cook, who I have confirmed now definitely has a tail and ears, is throwing plate wear at the catman on the windowsill. However, he doesn’t respond when they make contact with him. He just continues to pick at something in his teeth while the woman furiously chucks items at him.

"Be careful you're going to hurt someone!" I shout. The sound of the chair creaking across wood startles me and I see the woman Scylla begins to approach me.

'Well you out to be careful lost one," she says, a flirty trill dances across her lips. Scylla stops at the end of the table and picks up a glass of wine, then holding it out to me. Her smile never leaves her lips. I begin to reach for the glass but I stop midway when the cat man speaks up.

"It's poisoned yknow," he says without looking at me.

"What?" Scylla then grabs my wrist and pulls me towards her.

"Just a sip dear, it couldn't hurt," She begins tilting the glass towards my mouth as I struggle to getaway.

"No!" I shout, suddenly a bright flash of light emits from my hand, knocking me backward and onto the floor. I slowly sit up groaning, I open my eyes and I see that Scylla is nowhere to be found, just a bottle of wine, upon further inspection I realize no one else is here. Escell, the catman, and the woman at the hearth are all gone. I slowly rise and pick up the wine bottle. Inspecting its label my breath hitches when all it reads is "Scylla".

"Oh um…" I mutter, I then place the wine bottle on the table and run back out of the manor.

Once my eyes adjust from the darkened halls to the bright sun outside I close the door behind me letting out a sigh. I notice Orion is no longer sitting in her spot atop the steps. I do however see the catman that was inside earlier. He flashes me another smile which takes me aback slightly.

"Um hello," I give a small wave. The catman approaches me, leaning against the wall.

"Well hello to you," I can't help but glance down at his form, his abdomen poking out from his long purple coat. My eyes snap back up to his and I don't miss the smirk he gives me.

"I'm uh, looking for a way out of here, if you know," don’t stare at his abs don’t stare at his abs don’t-

"Well, I could tell you but, not for free," I wince a little.

"I don’t have a lot of money, and I don't even know your name," I explain.

"It's Sage and besides, I'm cheap," he finishes that off with a wink, causing me to flush.

"L-look I just need to be pointed in the right direction, isn't someone free to go wherever they like?" I ask, hoping he takes the bait. Sage ponders for a moment, looking to the side as his tail lashes about behind him.

"Alright," he lifts a gloved finger and points behind me. "If you go down that way you'll find the Holy Knight, she'll be able to help you out, you'll also be able to find the not-so-holy Engineer, both are beautiful in my opinion though, I won't judge you for having a hard time picking between the two," Sage's smile never falters as he speaks.

"I am not looking for love, just a way out," I speak.

"Well, you must be if you've come here,"

"I am not!" My voice pitches a little and my cheeks grow warm. Sage ponders for a second, tapping a finger on his chin.

"You agree a monster is a monster yes?"

"I suppose so," I say, confused by where he is going with this.

"Then you best avoid them, they'll only drag you down, if you can avoid love you can avoid the monsters" Sage takes a slight step back, clasping his hands together in front of him. I look at him with confusion.

"I don't think you're a monster," I say. I may have just met this strange catman, but something about him tells me I can trust him, in some way.

"You should," he says, almost inaudible for me to hear. "U-uh anyways, are you going to the dinner?" Sage asks, dodging the subject he started. I decide to drop it for now.

"Dinner?" I ask. Sage nods, I then recall the conversation Orion had earlier, the Queen is hosting a dinner. "I guess I am a little hungry,"

"You seem like the type to get around," Sage begins to walk down the steps of the manor and I rush to catch up with him.

"W-wait there's something I don't understand," I say. Sage slows down to my pace but continues to walk towards the forest I came from. "What happened to that girl that approached me? Scylla?"

"She's a spirit now," Sage says, still looking forwards.

"What? What do you mean by that?" I turn around to look at the house once more, my head filling with even more confusion.

"Sage-" I turn around to speak with him but he's gone. I turn around looking for any signs of the cat man dressed in purple, but I see nothing. Letting out a groan I turn towards the direction he pointed me to.

"I guess it's time to pay this Holy Knight a visit," I say to myself.

[burntflorets]

21 april 2017

3:17am you called me. you said wanted to see me. then you said u had ot, you didn’t even end much later. then you didn’t want to meet me.

i’m confused.

initially you got so angry i tried to communicate with you. saying i wasn’t honoring you and your time out, being disrespectful and all. hell you got fucking angry with me.

i hate it when you get angry with me. i get terrified when you get angry. i get scared when you raise your voice at me. especially when you’re way much bigger than i am. God knows what you can do to me if you’re angry. not saying that you abused me but yknow. fuck, it was bad. i was fucking shitty then, and all you did was get angry with me when i tried to reach out to you. you got angry when i told you i still loved you.

then you told me that you were a new you. you wanted to do shit, you couldn’t be with me, or anyone.

you know how hurtful that is to hear that?

i fucked myself up for half a month trying to figure out what i did wrong, trying to grasp at anything, trying to keep myself going, trying to get through you, trying to force myself to cope and learn how to stop myself from slowly learning to live w/o you. i lived everyday in a blur, i can’t even remember what i did the previous day anymore. i don’t even know what i ate or did or if i even went to work.

then you dropped the fucking truth bomb on me at last, telling me you were a new you, the fuckboy you. the selfish you. that you that can’t be with anyone.

how am i supposed to feel. i don’t even know you anymore. the person i thought i knew inside out, i realized i didn’t even know a single bit about.

honestly when you told me about the new you, part of me died and left. i’m not going to lie. before you told me that, i was still sure about you, about us. and i still stuck to my decision. then you told me. i got numb. i still am. i’m surprised that that was the one that actually stopped me from crying.

you changed. you’re so different now. i don’t know if i know you anymore. i’m confused.

now you’re changing your tune, you say you miss me. ok idk if you miss me but you suddenly said you love me.

you change your mind fucking fast.

you’re fucking bipolar. it’s confusing me. you became so fickle. i’m fucking confused.

are you ok? were you drinking that’s why? yknow when i woke up and saw your text i got really confused.

the first thing that got into my mind was “are you drunk???” and the next thing i wanted to say to you was “yeah right but you didn’t love me enough that’s why you were so unsure and caught between staying and committing to me or your new life motto”

i wanted to be sarcastic. fuck i was angry. i was angry with you, i was angry with myself. i was angry with the world.

fuck i wanted to be with you. i didn’t want anything else. i didn’t want you to leave. i loved you with everything i had. i loved you with every inch of my being. i loved you so much that it compensated the 0 love i had for myself.

and then you told me why you were so unsure about us.

zach HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL.

it’s finally sinking in. i’ve been numb too long. it hurts now. and i’m angry.

i was disappointed earlier when i heard it. now fucking angry and hurt.

you said you feel played. what is this now. you’re playing me. AND MY FUCKING FEELINGS.

stop it. you fucking pushed me away when i needed you the most. now when you tell me all those hurtful stuff, you change your mind then tell me you love me and it was great hearing my voice.

fuck you zach what are you doing to me??

my emotions are back. i’m sad. i’m hurting. i’m angry. I don’t know what to feel anymore.

don’t come running back bc you pity me. don’t come back if you’re undecided.

you know you can’t have both. it’s either me or your new life. i feel you’re holding on to me bc you want both, you’re greedy and selfish. you say you want me and at the same time you’re trying to fit your new life into this too.

no. don’t. you’re going to hurt me even more.

like i said previously, don’t stay bc u pity me. 
stay only bc u love me and see a future with me. stay only if you’re willing to commit to me. stay only if you are going to be loyal to me. stay only if you are going to be transparent with me. stay only if you wont do shit behind my back. stay only if you appreciate and treasure me. stay only if you’re mentally and physically here with me.
if not, leave. as much as i hate to say it, leave. leave and never look back

i want to trust you, i wanted to desperately trust you that you were using this time out to think about us. for us to be better in future.

then i found you on tinder, then i see you went back to porn. then you told me the truth bomb.

you were doing shit behind my back.

if you were me, how fucked up do you think that would be.

i honestly don’t know if i can ever see you in the same way as before anymore.

do you know how crushed i was??

i was shit at the start, i was barely coping, i was just scraping through. then all these happened.

maybe i’m still numb. i don’t know what to feel now. i don’t feel anything towards you. and it scares me. idk what i feel for you anymore.

notice how i stopped putting “things i want to say to you if we were still talking?” after that day? after you told me the new you?

all these aren’t what i want to say to you anymore. all these is just me and my thoughts now. i’m not telling this to you anymore. it’s just all my raw unfiltered thoughts now. i just had to write them down somewhere. i need to get this off my chest.

i’ve been trying to clear my headspace and think things through. no one can help me now. i was so confident about us, about my answer to you then. i still was, till you told me the new you.

i felt like i don’t know you anymore. it felt like i was talking to a stranger. someone that i would hate to be friends with. someone i would hate.

everything just felt so wrong. i wanted to be in denial. i wanted it to be a bad dream. i wanted to wake up from the bad dream.

i’ve been drinking from the bottle, i’ve been smoking a lot to feel alive. all these has made me feel dead inside. and after that day, i felt even more dead inside than ever.

i had to check if i was still alive by trying to burn myself with the fire. i had to check if i was still alive by punching holes in the wall again.

it felt like the start of the time out again.

don’t push me away and get angry with me when i try to reach out to you, only to turn around and say you love me and all when i’m trying to come to terms with the new you.

it’s like you have alr been fucking around doing the shit that you want, then now coming back and telling me you love me when you had enough fun. it’s like hanging me on a rack, then when you’re cold, you use me again to keep you warm.

don’t come back if you still do shit behind my back.

stop fucking with me and my feelings zach. they are feelings ffs. i can’t just turn them off and on as and when i like it.

you put me through hell zach. i was going to kill myself. you don’t know how much it took for me to not kill myself. i tried killing myself everyday. i did try to kill myself yesterday too.

i ran in front of cars otw to work, i stood under the sun for 7 hours refusing to drink any water or eat anything ever since u told me the new you. i was googling death by heatstroke i only fainted for a while. it wasn’t long enough for anyone to notice. it wasn’t long enough for me to be sent home. it wasn’t long enough for me to be admitted to the hospital.

i thought that if i died, it’ll be a win win situation for us. i would be happy, you wouldn’t have to regret me and you could go live your new life.

when i woke up, i saw you texted me. to clarify. i was conflicted and angry. i didn’t know how to feel anymore. i felt played. i felt like the biggest fucking idiot in the whole world.

i’m not trying to say that i only suffered. maybe you did too, maybe you didn’t. i don’t know. i’m not you. but i know myself. and what i’ve been through.

God knows what you have done, the fun you have had, the shit that you did, the girls you flirted and made out with and did, the parties you have gone and once u had your fun, now you’re telling me you love me and you miss me.

i desperately want to trust you, but i don’t know if i can.

you’ve turned bad. you changed. i don’t know anything anymore. i still want to fight for you, but i don’t know if it’s the right thing to do anymore.

it’s 5am. i’m running out of alcohol and cigarettes. it’s hard to think. i’ve got so much to say but my mind’s a mess. i can’t put them out into words properly.

i’m not drunk i’m not high. my mind’s just in a mess. i don’t know anything anymore.

12:04pm i’m mentally and physically drained. idk what to think anymore. my head needs to stop pounding and my stomach needs to stop rejecting stuff. there’s nothing for me to puke why am i still puking?? i’m puking bile blood wtv it’s horrible. i want to go home. i want to die

1:20pm these days have been very draining. this whole month is wearing me out. all i want rn is to be back in your arms like before. but i know that’s not possible anymore. i’m just tired. i want all these to end. i don’t even know what i want anymore. fuck this

you said your fantasy was just in the moment. you didn’t know what came over you. but it’s clear as day.

you said you always wanted to do it since young. your fantasy was well thought out, you knew exactly what you wanted, previously when you decided things on impulse you couldn’t give a convincing explanation. this, this explanation of your fantasy, you looked like you really spent half your life thinking of it, and that you were going to do it soon. it was that convincing.

as much as i want to believe you’re the same person as before, but your fantasy shit, it kills me to know that deep down this is what you really want and that you have been hiding that part of you from me. and i can understand why you hid it.

the fact that it was so detailed like you knew everything and you could say things like “i will and i can even if it’s for life” when i told you you can’t possibly be living that way for your whole life. you were so adamant and so sure of yourself.

and i’m scared bc what if we get back together and i disregard what you said about your fantasy, but then at the back of your mind this is what you’re thinking all the time. what if you get unsure of us again? then we have to go through this all over again.

i can see i’m not important enough for you. i’m not a priority in your life that’s why you are so torn between me or that fantasy life. if i was your everything you wouldn’t even go through this thought process. it wouldn’t even have crossed your mind.

honestly when i asked you that if you have this mindset now what makes me think you wouldn’t have these thoughts again in future what makes you so sure you wouldn’t have these thoughts again? you just went quiet.

when i told you that if we were to get back together, we need to start from scratch again. we can’t just pick up from where we left off. it’s not going to work out. we’ll just be the same all over again. you just ignored that portion and replied to the other qn i had.

when i said that we always keep running into the same problems that we both did come to a conclusion once. and i said that demoralizing that we ‘claimed’ to have solved a problem before, in fact, we actually didn’t at all. you just kept quiet again.

you can’t promise me anything. to think that you say you aren’t breaking up with me now, but you can’t promise that you’ll change and you know that deep down the fantasy thing wasn’t a one time thing that’s why you couldn’t give an answer.

come clean. stop lying to yourself. it’s plain as day. it’s not a one time thing. you’ve always wanted this your whole life. i can see it too. it’s even clearer now. it actually explains your actions in the past.

i know my sentences aren’t coherent, my head fucking hurts. i’m mentally and physically exhausted. this whole month has been shit. i can’t wait for all these to end. but u need to come clean.

3:42pm my headache and nausea and dizziness are even more strong than usual today. and i left my painkillers at home. i can’t even stand. i can’t even sit straight without swaying. i feel like i'm losing consciousness. i feel like i'm losing control of my body. fuck this. today is shit. i just want to go home. i wished all these never happened. i wished we were still happy. then i could go to you. i just want to be in your arms like before when i had a migraine attack. i just want to hear u say everything will be alright.

i wish too much don’t i.