#ok for real though i will go to sleep and we’ll see what happens from there

[autism-disco]

i got lossed by desmos what the hell

[rubyreduji]

of boobs and basses — ljh

summary: jihoon gets to meet his favorite rockstar, things only go up from there

tags: smut (minors dni!), fluff, idol!woozi, rockstar!reader warnings: smoking, explicit sex, multiple smut scenes, multiple orgasms, praise, fingering, biting and marking, oral, cum swallowing, finger sucking, spanking, hair pulling, creampie, crying, choking, squirting, over stimulation wc: 13.3k an: yes the reader and her band are based off of maneskin and vic de angelis. yes there is plot (but also a fair amount of smut ok). yes i love the banner thank you for noticing. here’s the playlist for this fic

Jihoon hates flying. Not because he hates traveling or because he’s afraid of heights, no he just finds it boring. Luckily he has WiFi and he can put his headphones on and sleep through the flight.

He’s sitting next to Seokmin who seems just as restless as Jihoon is, though Jihoon is a bit better at covering it up.

“Hyung, what are you listening to?” Seokmin leans over to try and look at Jihoon’s phone. His phone displays that he’s listening to Backseat Sex by LADYKILLER. “Oh, that’s the band with that girl you’re obsessed with. The one with the boobs.”

The words out of Seokmin’s mouth make Jihoon blush and he snatches his phone away. Seokmin isn't exactly wrong though.

Y/N L/N. Bassist for the rock band LADYKILLER. Jihoon may have a giant crush on you.

You and your band are well known for your ‘edgy’ image and your sexual stage presence. It’s not uncommon to see you on stage sporting nothing but pasties and a fishnet top. Sometimes no pasties at all. It seems these days he can’t even go on Twitter without seeing clips of you performing on stage topless, not that Jihoon minds.

That’s not why Jihoon has a crush on you though. You write most of your band’s songs, and to Jihoon nothing is more attractive than someone who understands music. You also just seem like a cool person, based off of interviews you’ve done and your fan interaction Jihoon has seen on social media. The way you handle fame is very different from how idols do, he likes seeing how free you are with your self expression.

Your music isn’t normally something Jihoon would like, but he saw one of your guys’ performances on Twitter and has been hooked since. Your stage presence is incredible and the chemistry of your group adds to that.

“Hyung this music is really…intense,” Seokmin says to Jihoon. Jihoon isn’t sure how much time has passed since Seokmin last spoke to him but when Jihoon looks over he can see that Seokmin has his earbuds in, listening to one of your songs.

Ex-Fling, off of your Razor Sharp Rampage album. It’s one of Jihoon’s favorite albums. 

“You really enjoy this stuff?” Seokmin asks.

Jihoon flushes a bit, “Yeah. Their lyrics are good.”

Seokmin gives him a skeptical look. “If you say so, hyung.”

As soon as the plane lands in New York, the boys are swept away to the Radio City Music Hall. The VMAs aren’t until tomorrow, but Seventeen is scheduled to do their rehearsals today.

“You guys are a bit early, so you can just wait around and we’ll call you when we’re ready,” one of the stage managers tells the group before running off.

The boys break off to go kill some time but Jihoon stays backstage, watching the way everyone runs around getting things ready. Jihoon’s eyes scan the area around him, looking to see who else is performing tomorrow night. He sees mostly backstage hands until his eyes land on one certain person and Jihoon feels his jaw drop a bit.

This cannot be real.

Jihoon feels like he can’t breathe. This has to be some kind of hallucination or something because there is no way this is actually happening to him.

Y/N L/N. Twenty feet away from him. Dressed in cut off shorts and a tank top. Jihoon’s mouth goes dry.

He’s not sure why he’s so surprised. This is one of the biggest music events in America, and you are a popular American musician. Still, even if he was expecting you to be here, he didn’t expect you to be here. In the same vicinity as him. Even thinking about it makes Jihoon’s ears turn red. He feels like a flustered school boy again.

He was just talking about you to Seokmin and now here you are, right in front of him, looking like a dream. Jihoon gets embarrassed just thinking about how many times he’s stared at photos and videos of you. 

You turn in the direction Jihoon is standing and your eyes light up when you see him. You start to walk towards him and Jihoon can feel his heart thumping in his skull. Surely you’re not walking over to him.

“Oh my god, you’re Woozi!”

You know who he is. Jihoon wants to pass out.

“I’m a fan of your work. I’m not usually a big K-Pop fan, but I like your stuff. Especially the solo you put out. Ruby? That was sick,” you tell him. “Sorry, I’m Y/N. Bassist for LADYKILLER.”

“I-I know,” Jihoon says. He’s thankful Vernon has been helping him brush up on his English. Too bad Vernon can’t help him with how shaky his voice sounds. “I’m also a fan.”

This seems to shock you a bit and an intrigued look crosses your face. “Oh yeah? That’s cool to hear.”

“Y/N! Come on, we’ve got soundchecks!” Jihoon looks over to see one of your bandmates (Tommy, the drummer) calling for you. A bit of dejection fills Jihoon. He wanted to talk with you more.

“Ah, sorry Woozi. It was nice meeting you. I’ll see you later!” You wave goodbye to the idol before running off towards Tommy. It isn’t until you’re out of sight that Jihoon realizes he didn’t say bye back.

“Jihoon-ah! Where have you been?” His members bombard him when he finds them waiting in a green room.

“I-I think I just met the love of my life,” Jihoon mutters.

Everyone looks at him a bit incredulously. It’s Seungcheol who finally speaks up. “What do you mean Jihoon?”

“She’s here, and I talked to her. Y/N.” Jihoon feels like he’s in a trance.

“Yo, from LADYKILLER? I love that band!” It’s Vernon who says this. Of course Vernon likes the rock band with the hot bassist who’s boobs are always on display. That’s so Vernon.

“The girl who’s always showing off her tits?” Soonyoung asks. They’d get canceled so fast if the Carats heard them talking like this.

“Stop saying that about her!” Jihoon’s face is probably red as a tomato right now.

“Is it…not the truth?”

“What girl is showing off her boobs?”

Jihoon wants to curl up in a ball and die.

“Jihoon-hyung has a crush on the bassist from the rock band LADYKILLER. Y/N L/N. Her band does a lot of nude stuff,” Vernon finally explains. “Their music is sick as fuck, but probably not in any of your guys’ taste.” 

“She’s so pretty,” Jihoon mumbles.

“I hope I get to meet them too,” Vernon says. “James is so cool.” James. The guitarist. Jihoon thinks that he would get along well with Vernon.

The other members are all still staring at Jihoon and he wishes they would stop. Yes, he has a crush on a girl who is always topless. Can they please move on.

As if saved by the bell, a voice comes on one of the speakers.

“Seventeen please report to the stage. Seventeen please report to the stage.”

The boys all move to get to the stage, right as your band is finishing up. You wave at Jihoon when you see them approaching and shoot him a wink before following your band off the stage. And yeah, that definitely does things to Jihoon.

For the rest of the day and into the next Jihoon can’t stop thinking about you. He spends his whole night rewatching every one of your music videos, every interview you’ve done, and all the videos Jihoon has saved of your performances from when you were on tour last year. He might have an obsession.

Jihoon would probably have spent the whole morning doing the same too if he wasn’t taken to get ready for the award show. When the group gets to the venue they’re bombarded with cameras but once they get past those they are able to take their seats. Jihoon’s eyes scan the area quickly to see if he can spot your band, but he comes up short.

Soon the actual award show is starting and Jihoon doesn’t pay much attention to most of the awards, other than clapping when he should and noticing a few of his favorite artists when they come up in nominations or when they do their acceptance speeches.

When the time comes Jihoon gets up and goes backstage before their performance. He gets mic'd and then they’re being lined up to go out on stage. As much as Jihoon loves performing, he always finds it a bit strange to perform for people who aren’t Carats.

Jihoon does know that there is one Carat in the audience, so he dedicates his performance to you. The song goes too quickly for Jihoon’s liking and he thinks about how he can’t wait to be on stage with Carats again as soon as he can.

After their performance a few more awards are given, and Seventeen wins the award for the Best K-Pop and Joshua does all of the taking, as per usual.

Jihoon’s focus is lost again, until the announcer says a band name catches his attention.

“Next up to the stage with their hit single ‘Bruised Knees’: LADYKILLER!” The lights on the stage come up to reveal your band standing there.

Jihoon feels like a bit of a pervert from the way his cock twitches in his pants the second he lays eyes on you. You’re dressed in shiny black thigh high boots, a pleated mini skirt with a few chains and belts over it, and a button up shirt that only covers your shoulders and arms. Necklaces adorn your neck and dip down between your breasts that are out in the open. The only thing conserving any of your modesty is the silver star-shaped covers on your nipples. 

Attached to your body is your iconic bass guitar. It’s sleek in a dark blue color. The rest of your band gifted it to you right before your first tour. You look good with it. If Jihoon is being honest you look like sex on a stick and he’s doing everything in his power not to pop a boner right now.

You have a smirk on your face and Jihoon swears you’re staring directly at him. You continue to stare at Jihoon throughout the whole song, which is about rough sex and giving head, like most of LADYKILLER’s songs are about. The songs that you write.

The special thing about your song ‘Bruised Knees’ is that it’s sung by your lead singer, Luka, but also you, with you singing the second verse and the bridge and sharing the chorus with Luka. The rasp in your voice goes straight to Jihoon’s cock and he really hopes that you (or anyone else) can’t notice. 

You usually do backing vocals on the songs, but it’s rare for you to get your own part of the song and maybe Jihoon is biased but he definitely thinks you should sing more. Or maybe not because it’s really turning Jihoon on and he is in public and has a reputation to upkeep. 

When you’re done with your song you wink at Jihoon again and yeah, Jihoon really is screwed because how is it possible someone can look so good. 

By the end of the night your band wins both Best Alternative and Group of the Year. During both of your acceptance speeches Jihoon can’t pull his eyes away from you or the grin you have on your face.

When the award ceremony finally ends everyone is left to mingle. Most of Seventeen goes to greet some of the other K-Pop groups in attendance, but before Jihoon can join them, you’re approaching him with James in tow.

“Hey Woozi! Congrats on your award. This is my bandmate, James, he was wondering if he could meet Vernon?”

Before Jihoon can even respond, Vernon pipes up from behind him. “Yo! You’re James from LADYKILLER! Huge fan of your work man!” Vernon and James quickly engage in a conversation and Jihoon thinks it’s a little funny how similar the two are.

“Your performance was very good,” Jihoon tells you.

“Oh, wow, thanks! You guys too! I’ve seen videos of you guys performing, but seeing it live is a whole new experience. You guys are amazing.”

“Says the winner of Group of the Year.”

You scoff a bit embarrassed. You decide to change the topic. “Are you guys going to the after party?”

“After party?”

“Yeah. It’s basically an excuse for a bunch of musicians to get drunk together and do stupid shit. I’m only going because Tommy wanted to, but it would be cool to see you there. Your whole group too. No big deal if you don’t, but it would be nice to talk more.”

“Ah, yeah, maybe,” Jihoon says. He says maybe but he has already made up his mind that he is going to be there, even if he has to drag Vernon to go with him. There is no way he’s going to miss out on a chance to talk to you.

Vernon doesn’t take any dragging as he happily accepts to join, as it’s more chance for him to talk to the rest of your band. Joshua also decides to tag along with the promise to Seungcheol that no one’s going to get into any trouble.

Once inside the building, it’s clear this is a full on party. The air smells like alcohol and a wide variety of celebrities stand around talking to each other or dancing to the music. It doesn’t take long for James to find Jihoon, Vernon, and Joshua.

He shoots a smirk at Jihoon before telling him, “Y/N’s out on the balcony if you want to find her.” With that he leaves with Vernon and Joshua in tow. 

Jihoon isn’t sure how to take the interaction and if James is giving him a hint or not. Either way Jihoon slips through all of the bodies in the room before finding his way to the balcony. There are a few people milling around but it isn’t hard to find you.

You’re still in your outfit from earlier and you’re standing talking to another guy who’s very close to you. A cigarette is placed between your fingers and Jihoon stares as you wrap your lips around it to take a drag. The way the smoke leaves your lips and blows into the guy’s face is…quite sexy to Jihoon.

Your eyes flit away from the guy for a second and land on Jihoon. Your face lights up as soon as you see him and you quickly leave the guy to approach Jihoon. 

“Woozi! You came!” You smell like cigarette smoke and perfume and Jihoon has never been super into smoking, but the smell is intoxicating coming off of you.

“Jihoon,” Jihoon blurts out.

“What?”

“Call me Jihoon, please.”

You grin. “Okay Jihoon. Are you here alone?”

“Vernon and Joshua are here, but they’re talking to your band.”

“Ah, I see. Well then I guess you’re stuck here with me.” You send him a teasing smirk before taking another drag of your cigarette. The guy you were talking to earlier seems to realize you’re done with him and he shoots a glare at Jihoon before walking back into the building. 

You lean against the railing of the balcony and look at Jihoon with a sultry look. You look so damn good right now in your stage outfit with your cigarette placed between your fingers and the moonlight shining down on you. Jihoon is glad he’s outside because he’s already having trouble breathing and he’s sure it would be worse inside.

“So Jihoon,” you reach to grab his wrist and pull him closer, “what’s a big time K-Pop idol like you doing liking a nasty band like mine?” His skin tingles under the touch of your warm hand against his wrist and he wants to remember this feeling forever.

“I uhm…” Jihoon’s face is hot as he tries to figure out what to say to you. “I saw a video of you guys performing and I enjoyed it. I enjoy how you write all of your songs.”

“Oh? What video was it?” There’s a teasing tone to your voice and Jihoon knows what you’re insinuating. Yes, the video he watched did include you topless. But he swears that wasn’t what interested him. Before he can sputter out an answer, you laugh. “I’m teasing you. I’m well aware of the…allure of my band.” 

Jihoon wants to tell you that he thinks you’re more than just all of the sex appeal but before he can form the words he gets distracted. You’re staring at him intently, your eyes focused on his face. 

“Y/N?”

“Can I tell you a secret?” Jihoon nods. “It’s a little embarrassing to admit, but I kind of have a crush on you.”

Jihoon freezes. Did he hear that right? You, Y/N L/N, have a crush on Jihoon? 

“Ah, I knew that was weird to admit,” you mumble after Jihoon doesn’t respond. 

“No, no, I have a crush on you too!” Jihoon blurts out. 

“O-oh!”

“I’ve been so nervous every time you’ve talked to me,” Jihoon tells you. He’s still nervous. His heart feels like it’s about to burst out of his chest. 

“That’s…so flattering, oh my god. You’re just so talented and cool and pretty. You’re so pretty,” you say. 

Jihoon grins. “I think you’re prettier.” 

“I- I like that,” you whisper. “I’m really only called hot or sexy, so pretty is nice.” 

“You’re beautiful to me Y/N.” Jihoon reaches out to tuck a piece of your hair behind your ear. “I think I’m going to die if I don’t kiss you right now.” 

You quickly stub out your cigarette before grabbing Jihoon’s hand. “Not here.” 

You pull him back inside and you two weave between people before going deeper into the building, away from the crowd. You and Jihoon find an empty hallway and you stop and face Jihoon. His hand is still clamped together with yours as you two stare at each other.

“You can uh, you can kiss me now,” you tell him in a soft voice.

“Okay.”

Jihoon hesitates, just for a second, before leaning in and capturing your lips with his. Jihoon swears that sparks fly the second your lips touch. The kiss starts out gentle but quickly becomes heated and Jihoon pushes you up against the wall, making you let out a low moan into Jihoon’s mouth.

Your fingers bury into the hair at the nape of Jihoon’s neck and you pull him closer. Your bodies are warm as they’re pressed together and Jihoon’s hands run all over your stomach, relishing in the feeling of your warm skin under his fingertips.

Jihoon swipes his tongue against your lips and you open up, letting Jihoon lick into your mouth. Your fingers tighten around Jihoon’s hair, pulling a bit, as you let out small whines from the back of your throat.

Jihoon isn’t usually one for hook-ups, but that doesn’t mean he’s completely inexperienced. He slots his knee between your legs and you automatically grind down against him. Jihoon can already feel the heat of your cunt against his leg and his cock stirs in his pants.

You two break away the kiss. You’re panting but Jihoon doesn’t take a break, leaning in to kiss at your neck. He sucks at the skin, trailing down your neck until your barrage of necklaces stops him. His hands slide up your torso to your exposed chest and he cups your tits. Jihoon kneads at your chest and you let out a soft sigh.

“How many times have you gotten off to pictures of my tits?”

Jihoon takes a shaky breath, “Too many times to count.”

“Fuck, that’s so hot,” you mumble. Your hips are still grinding down against his leg and Jihoon is sure his pant leg is wet by now. “Jihoon, I need you.”

Jihoon's cock is hard in his pants and he doesn't think he's ever been so needy before. Just as Jihoon is about to pull his cock out, his phone rings. Jihoon grabs his phone to dismiss the call, but then he sees it's from Joshua, along with about two dozen texts.

Jihoon groans and picks up the call. "What?"

"Where are you? Seungcheol says our manager is looking for us, we gotta get back right now."

"Right now?"

"Yes. Meet us at the front and if you're not there in three minutes I'm hunting you down."

The phone call ends and Jihoon sighs.

"Ah, you have to leave, don't you?" You ask.

"Yeah."

You look sad for a moment before you perk up. "How long are you guys in town?"

"A few more days. This is kind of a vacation for us."

"Great! Here." You grab Jihoon's phone out of his hand and quickly type something. "That's my number. Maybe we can meet up later in the week. Since you're blue balling me right now," you tease.

"Y-yeah, okay."

"See you later Jihoon." You press a quick kiss to his cheek. Jihoon bids you goodbye and makes his way to the front of the building, hoping Joshua and Vernon don’t notice the straining bulge in his pants.

The next day the rest of Seventeen are planning what they want to do, but Jihoon is texting you. He worries that it might be too soon to ask to see you today, since you just saw him yesterday, but you tell Jihoon you’d be more than happy to see him today.

You send Jihoon a text with an address and when Jihoon pulls it up in maps, it comes up with an apartment complex. Your apartment complex. Jihoon suddenly remembers that your band is New York City based. 

Jihoon is glad that you two will be out of the public eye, but the idea of being alone with you in your apartment drives Jihoon crazy. He really hopes you two can finish what you started last night. After all, you’re not the only one who got blue balled.

Jihoon ignores the rest of his member’s questions as he slips a cap and a mask on and leaves in one of the SUVs, giving the driver your address. Your apartment is closer to the outskirts of the city, but it’s a nicer building. Jihoon is sure that only people who have a lot of money can afford to live here, which makes Jihoon feel better about privacy concerns.

Jihoon puts in the code you gave him to get into the building and he makes his way to your apartment. When he knocks on the door you open it within a few seconds.

“Jihoon!” You grin wide at him. “Come in!”

Your apartment is nice. It’s large with lots of windows and modern interior design. 

“I feel underdressed,” Jihoon mutters. He’s in just sweats and a t-shirt.

“Don’t worry about that. I’m pretty underdressed as well.” You’re in a soft looking skirt and a tank top. You look really good. Jihoon has to look away when he notices you’re not wearing a bra, your nipples pebbling under the cloth of your shirt.

Jihoon knows why he asked you to hang out, but he feels too awkward to jump right into it. You seem to share the same sentiment as you move into the kitchen and grab two cans of coke out of your fridge, handing one to Jihoon. You two move into your living room area to the couch.

You have a few things scattered around and there’s pieces of sheet music all over your coffee table and couch.

“Sorry about that,” you tell him as you pick the papers up before sitting down. “Those are just songs I’m failing to write.”

“Failing?”

“Yeah. I can’t seem to finish them. I get ideas and then get caught up on stupid things,” you say with a shrug.

“I could look at them for you, if you want.” The words leave Jihoon’s mouth before he realizes what he’s saying. “Only if you want me to! I don’t want to overstep or-”

“No, that would be perfect! Could you? Let me get my bass!” You jump up and run into a room before emerging with your signature bass guitar. 

It’s even prettier up close and it looks loved but well taken care of. Jihoon’s gaze doesn’t falter as he watches you play. You yourself are lost in the music, focusing on playing and singing the parts of your song you have finished. Your fingers glide up and down the next of your guitar as you tap your foot against the ground to keep beat. With the sun shining through your open windows, you look beautiful like this. Completely in your element.

Jihoon has to remind himself of the task at hand and when he starts to really listen, he realizes it’s very different from the normal stuff your band does. It’s still just as explicit as your normal work, but it feels more raw and visceral. He brings it up when you’re done.

“Oh yeah, this is actually music for a solo project I’m working on,” you tell him. “I’m really not supposed to tell anyone, but I trust you Jihoon.” Yeah, his stomach does flutter a bit. “When I write I can usually just focus on all of the sexual stuff, but I’m trying to add in more emotions with it, but I’m kind of struggling a lot.” 

“What you have is good. Let me hear some of the other stuff you’re working on and we can go from there.”

That’s how you and Jihoon end up spending a good part of the day working on music together. Jihoon doesn’t mind though, he loves music and something about writing and composing with you feels right. Both of your minds work in different ways, but combined you are able to piece together the songs until they’re perfect.

It’s comfortable, being in your apartment with you, doing the thing he loves. It feels like you two have known each other a lot longer than two days. You two just…click and it makes Jihoon feel warm when he thinks about it.

“Jihoon, thank you so much for doing this for me,” you tell him after you two finish another song. “I know this probably isn’t what you expected to do today.”

“It’s okay, really. I’m really enjoying myself. I think I’d enjoy doing anything with you.”

“Jihoon,” you say softly. You’re staring at him again, with your alluring eyes that just draw Jihoon in. “Can I kiss you?”

“Yes,” Jihoon breathes out and before he can even finish his breath, you’re leaning in. 

You cup Jihoon’s face, kissing him fiercely as you do. Jihoon nearly topples off the couch, but he grabs on to you, kissing you back. Your lips clash together as you do your best to taste each other as much as you can. As much as Jihoon loves song writing, he can’t deny that your songs are very sexually charged, and it’s definitely gotten him worked up in the hours he’s been here.

You two pull away panting, and you rest your forehead against Jihoon’s. “Do you want to…”

“Yes,” Jihoon nods, jostling your head as well. You grin and stand up, grabbing Jihoon’s hand to drag him behind you as you make your way to your bedroom, just like how you dragged him into the empty hallway last night. Hopefully today there won’t be any interruptions.

Once in the bedroom Jihoon grabs your waist and pulls you back into him, your lips crashing together. Your lips are so soft and Jihoon wants to kiss you forever. He reaches up to paw at your chest, feeling your pebbled nipple under his palm. He squeezes a bit too hard at one point and you gasp into Jihoon’s mouth and he decides he wants to get you to do that again.

Jihoon pushes you back until you fall onto the bed and he can crawl over you. He helps you tug off your tank top before leaning down to take one of your tits right into his mouth, his tongue and teeth gently playing with your nipple.

You squirm under his ministrations and Jihoon slots his thigh between your legs so you can grind against him like last time. You seem appreciative of the rough feeling of his knee against you as you roll your hips against him.

“J-Jihoon,” you moan. 

Your tits are slick with his saliva now and he tugs at your nipple with his teeth before releasing it. When he looks down at you he lets out a soft groan, his heavy cock stirring in his boxers. Your hair is already mussed a bit and your face looks warm as you stare up at him with soft eyes. Your bare chest is littered in forming purple and red marks and Jihoon watches as it rises and falls with your breaths. Jihoon can’t help but revel in the fact this is for him only. No fans or cameras or anything else to see you like this, bare and vulnerable.

Jihoon pulls his shirt over his head, tossing it to the side, and he watches the way your eyes trail down his pale, chiseled torso. Your hands reach up for him and you pull him back down on top of you, his weight settling on your body. Your fingers trail up and down his bare skin, your mouth pressed hot and firm against his.

Your leg is thrown around Jihoon’s waist and he rolls his hips into yours, his hard cock brushing up against your wet core. You mewl into Jihoon’s mouth, your fingers digging into the muscles on his back.

“F-fuck Jihoon, please. Please touch me,” you beg, your voice high pitched and desperate, making it impossible to say no (not that Jihoon would).

Jihoon peels his body away from yours once more before hooking his fingers into your skirt and pulling it down your legs, leaving you in just your underwear. Jihoon nearly starts drooling when he sees the lacy, red panties hugging your hips. His fingers trail up your leg and he rubs a thumb over your hip bone against the rough fabric.

“I thought you said you were underdressed. You wore these just for me?”

You nod. “Thought you’d like them.”

“I do. Though, I think I’d like them better off.” With that he tugs the fabric down your legs as well, discarding them on your floor.

You gasp when Jihoon pushes your legs apart so he can get a better look at what’s between them. Your pussy is already shiny and slick with your arousal, begging to be filled by something. Jihoon reaches out and trails his fingertips against your puffy folds, prodding and rubbing in a way that’s nothing but teasing.

You squirm under Jihoon’s touch, but Jihoon just ignores you, too busy admiring how pretty your pussy looks right now. His fingers slip between your folds and dip down into your opening, only to pull back a second later. When his fingers emerge they’re covered in your arousal and he uses the slick to slide his fingers up your slit, catching on your clit. You intake a sharp breath as your body stiffens.

Jihoon grins and starts to rub your clit in gentle circles. Slow and almost lazily, his fingers go around and around with no real vigor. Jihoon can see the way your pussy is leaking, dripping down onto your bed. You’ve been letting out soft whines as Jihoon touches you, impatient for him to do more. 

After what probably feels like an eternity to you, Jihoon finally slips his fingers lower before pushing two right into you. Your cunt is well slicked up and greedily accepts the digits being slipped inside. Your walls are warm and soft around Jihoon’s fingers and he slowly drags his fingers out of you before slamming them back in. He juts his fingers in and out of you as he strokes your walls with his fingertips. 

To Jihoon it’s not much different than playing the piano the way his fingers move skillfully in precise ways to hit all the right places. In a way this is also like making music; the sound of your soft moans and pants filling the air, mixing with the slight squeak of your bed frame and the wet slap of his fingers sliding in and out of your cunt. It’s erotic and intimate and beautiful.

Below him, your body is shaking on the bed. Your fingers grasp at the sheets below you as your hips rut up into Jihoon’s palm. Jihoon’s whole hand is drenched now and his wrist is starting to ache, but he doesn’t dare stop.

“Fuck, fuck, Ji,” you mumble as your legs start to buck into the air. Jihoon pushes your hips down with his free hand and you let out a long moan as your walls clench down on Jihoon’s fingers as this thumb rapidly rubs at your clit.

Your hips roll against Jihoon’s hand for a few more seconds before your body relaxes into the bed. Jihoon stares down at you in awe. You grin up at him.

“That was…so good,” you say, still a bit breathless. “But…I think I need more. Fuck me, please?”

There is no way Jihoon is going to say no to a proposal like that. You direct him in the direction of your condom stash and Jihoon quickly shucks off his pants and boxers. He’s about to start rolling on the condom when he hears you gasp.

“You’re huge,” you say. When Jihoon looks up, you’re staring directly at his crotch. Jihoon’s aware is he…well endowed. His cock is about six inches long, but wide in girth. “Shit Jihoon, get in me right now.”

Jihoon chuckles and continues to roll on the condom before climbing back into the bed. He pushes you back against the mattress and leans down to kiss you. While your lips are still locked together he hikes one of your legs around his waist before lining himself up to your entrance. He rubs his head against your folds before finally pushing the tip in. 

Jihoon’s mouth breaks off of yours and he trails wet kisses down your neck to your chest where he latches onto one of your breasts. His hips rut into you, slowly shoving his fat cock into your desperate cunt as you dig your fingers into his triceps. 

Your walls hug him tightly and it makes his mind a bit fuzzy, his only focus being on you under him. Your scent floods Jihoon’s nose as he buries his face into your tits and he wants nothing more than to eat you whole. He mouths at your peaked nipples, nipping and licking everywhere he can, marking you with his love bites.

Jihoon swears he’s the luckiest man in the world, being able to lay here in your bed, marking up your tits. How many photos has he seen of them? How many people has he seen thirsting over you because of them? And here he is, being able to devour them all for himself.

Inside of you, his cock pounds at your walls, stretching you open. The rhythm Jihoon set is quick, but not brutal, and the drag of his cock in and out of you leaves both of you with a pleasured feeling coursing through your bodies.

“God, you’re so hot,” you moan out. “Used to dream about moments like this. I would watch compilations of you grinding on the floor to the Good to Me choreo.”

The words send a flush to Jihoon’s already warm face. He’s not sure if he should be embarrassed or find that incredibly hot. Maybe a bit of both. All he knows is that he’ll never be able to think of that song the same anymore.

Everything about you is intoxicating to the idol. Particularly in this moment though, the way you keep whimpering his name is driving him mad. Jihoon’s grip on your hips tightens as he rocks into you harder, his cock slamming into your sweet spot, making you cry out even harder.

Jihoon can feel his balls get heavier, ready to cum. He latches his mouth onto your neck and sucks hard as his fingers flit down to rapidly play with your clit. He’s hoping to get you to finish before him, but his orgasm hits him by surprise and his hips are stuttering as he releases his load into the condom. He doesn’t dare stop fucking into you though, even after he’s milked himself dry with your pussy. Jihoon doesn’t let himself rest until your body is shaking under him, your cunt clenching down as your nails dig into Jihoon’s skin. 

When you’re finally coming down from your high, Jihoon gently pulls out of you before tying off the condom and throwing it in the trash. He flops down on the bed next to you and you cuddle right into his side, pressing a kiss right to his pec.

He reaches up to rub his hand up and down your back as you two lay there in silence, pressing kisses to each other’s bare skin.

Jihoon isn’t sure how long you two stay like that, until your kisses get a bit more meaningful and suddenly Jihoon is pinning you against the bed. His cock is already half hard again and it doesn’t take much to get it to full mast.

Your second round is softer, but just as intense. There’s a more romantic passion behind Jihoon’s motions as he takes his time getting you both off. Sensual kisses are traded as you and Jihoon whisper praises back and forth.

Halfway through fucking you Jihoon has the fleeting thought that he doesn’t want this to end. You both end up cumming together, your names falling off of each other’s lips with your foreheads pressed together. It’s oddly adorable and it takes Jihoon longer to pull out of you, completely content to keep his cock in you as you two lay cuddled in your bed.

When Jihoon finally does get up to discard the used condom and get something to clean you up, the sun is starting to set and Jihoon curses. When he checks his phone, his predictions are proved right at the sight of the numerous texts from their manager and Seungcheol.

You seem to realize this as well when Jihoon walks back to the bed and starts to get dressed.

“Do you really have to leave?” You look up at Jihoon. You look so cozy, cuddled up in bed, still naked. It really makes Jihoon want to stay and jump back in bed and tangle himself up with you again.

“Yeah, they need me back at the hotel,” he says instead, a bit discouraged as well.

“You’re in town for a few more days right?”

“Yeah, until Sunday.”

You reach out and grab Jihoon’s hand, pulling him to sit on the bed. You sit up as well, curling your bare body around his clothed form. You press a kiss to his ear.

“If you find the time, you should come to my concert on Friday.” Sleep laces your voice as you talk to Jihoon. Your body is warm pressed against him and Jihoon has never been more tempted to ignore his manager in his life. “We’re having a pop up concert to celebrate our fifth anniversary. I can get you seats in our VIP sections so no one would see you. I’ll text you the details but don’t feel pressured to come. Just, if you and your band want to do something fun, I can get the tickets.”

Jihoon nods. “Yeah, okay. I’ll be there.”

“Good.” Jihoon turns to face you and you press a quick kiss to his lips. “I’ll see you then. I’d walk you out but…” You gesture to your undressed form and Jihoon laughs.

“See you Friday. Sleep well Y/N.” Jihoon presses one final kiss to your lips before leaving your apartment, already missing you by the time he walks out the door.

The rest of the week Jihoon can’t do anything but wait for Friday, excited for your concert. He can’t wait to hear your band play live again, but mostly he can’t wait to see you again. You’ve been plaguing his mind since he last saw you, and it’s not just the sex. Jihoon can’t deny the pure, unbridled chemistry between you two and it makes his heart thump in his chest.

When Jihoon brings up the idea to his members about going to see your concert they all say it could be fun and Jihoon sends you a text affirming their attendance. Jihoon thinks it’s a little silly, his group of K-Pop idols going to go see your very explicit rock band perform.

When Friday comes Jihoon takes his time dressing up and he tries not to hit Soonyoung when he points it out. 

The concert starts at around 8:00pm and doors open an hour earlier than that, but you told Jihoon to arrive a bit earlier so it would be less obvious to spot them going in. When the boys get there a quarter after 6:00, they are ushered in through the back doors.

Backstage hands are bustling around and there are a few people shouting at each other. The venue space is nice, but not too big. From what Jihoon saw online, it’s a pretty exclusive concert to see live, but tickets were sold for online streaming as well.

The boys are shown to their seats in a balcony room with glass covering one of the walls so they can see the stage. It seems to have some kind of film on the other side so they can see out, but nobody can see in.

“Wah, this is nice,” Seokmin says as he looks around the room.

“And for free too, Jihoonie hooked us up well,” Seungcheol adds. “This Y/N girl must like you a lot.”

Jihoon can feel his ears heating up. “Yah, all of you shut up.”

He turns away from his members, too embarrassed to continue the conversation. Jihoon does have to admit, you really are doing a lot giving free tickets to the thirteen men on such a short notice, and to get them into such a nice room.

When the doors open, Jihoon watches as your fans flood into the room. He can hear the chatter of everyone and he smiles at how excited all of your fans are to see you. The whole place packs up soon as everyone waits impatiently for the show to start.

Then the time hits and everyone is screaming as your band walks onto the stage. Jihoon’s eyes automatically fall to your figure and his heart beats against his ribcage. You’ve got a wide smile on your face as you strap your bass onto your body and walk up to your mic.

“Let’s make some noise!” Luka shouts into the mic and everyone erupts into applause. “Welcome to our 5th anniversary pop up concert, we are LADYKILLER, and tonight, we’re gonna have a good time. We’ll be keeping this casual tonight so get comfortable, get hype, and enjoy this first song.” 

Jihoon’s eyes trail up and down your figure as your fingers fly over the strings of your bass. You’re dressed in a black leather boots, a short black denim skirt, and a silky white tank top lined with black lace. Your top looks closer to lingerie than an actual shirt and Jihoon can tell once again you’re not wearing a bra underneath.

You didn’t bother covering the hickies Jihoon left all over your chest and Jihoon feels his face heat up. The dark purple marks are scattered all over your bare skin and even though he’s a bit mortified, he’s also a bit proud.

Jihoon’s not the only one who notices the hickeys and he can feel his members send him suggestive looks as they watch the performance. Jihoon does his best to ignore them and focus on the band playing.

Jihoon admires how good you look up on stage. You really know how to work the crowd and you’re nothing short of mesmerizing to Jihoon. Every video he’s seen of you on stage doesn’t nearly do the real thing justice. After the first four songs your band stops the setlist to do some fan interaction.

“Y/N!” Someone calls from the audience. “Who gave you those hickeys!” 

Jihoon wants to die as his members start to howl in their booth and Jihoon hopes that it’s sound proof. You just laugh along.

“Ah, these? They’re pretty aren’t they?” You run your fingers over your clavicle. “Now for who gave them to me…it’s not very nice of me to kiss and tell is it? But who knows? Maybe the perpetrator is sitting in this very room right now.” You wink at the audience and everyone goes crazy, screaming at your words.

The concert is fun, with lots of crowd interactions as you guys answer questions and give your own anecdotes from the past five years. You guys even tease your next album, sending the crowd into a frenzy when they see the teaser for one of the music videos.

It isn’t until closer to the end of the concert that Jihoon starts to have a real problem. In one of your most popular songs there’s a wicked bass solo that consists of you playing for two minutes straight and it’s one of the reasons why you are one of the more popular members of your group (on top of well…you know). Normally Jihoon would be entranced by the skillful way you play your instrument, putting your whole heart and soul into your solo, but today he can’t focus on anything other than the way you look.

You look sultry as you smirk out at the audience. At one point your eyes flit up to where Jihoon is sitting and you wink and Jihoon thinks he might pass out from how sexy you look right now. You put your whole body into playing and when you bend over, Jihoon can see your bare tits hanging freely in the air and he has to shift around to adjust his growing hard on. He doesn’t know if he should worship or despise whoever your stylist is.

Behind him, he can hear Jeonghan and Joshua snickering. Jihoon does his best to think about anything that will get his semi-hard cock to go down, but unfortunately for him the last song in your set list is hands down the most sexually charged. 

As soon as the opening notes are heard, the whole atmosphere of the room changes. The lights dim as red accent lights bask the stage. Jihoon can’t peel his eyes away from you as you move with the music, your hips swaying along in a hypnotizing way.

He gasps a bit when Luka comes up behind you and grabs your hips, practically grinding on you as he sways with you. His hands travel up your sides and he brushes his fingertips over the upper part of your chest. When his hands move back down, this time they’re pressed to your front, dragging over your tits and down your stomach before he finally pulls away.

The whole time the crowd is hooked, and so is Jihoon. He’s a bit jealous that someone else is touching you in such an intimate way, but he knows it’s nothing but fan service, so he instead focused on how incredibly erotic he finds the moment, imagining he’s the one touching you instead.

After the song is finished your band thanks the audience before exiting the stage. The whole room is still buzzing with energy as they start to exit and Jihoon’s members seem to be hyped up as well.

“I see why you like them Jihoon,” Mingyu says and Jeonghan snorts.

“I can too.”

Jihoon groans but thankfully he’s saved when someone comes to retrieve them and guide them to the backstage area where your band is standing. You’re leaning against an audio case, drinking a bottle of water. Your body is shining with the post concert glow Jihoon is so familiar with. Jihoon is lost staring at you when a voice grabs his attention.

“Hey Y/N, isn’t that your boyfriend?” It’s Tommy who says this as he glances over to where Jihoon and the rest of Seventeen stands. Jihoon tries not to get flustered over his choice of words.

When you look over to where Tommy is motioning, your face instantly lights up at the sight of Jihoon. You stand up and cross the stage quickly before drawing Jihoon into a hug. “Jihoon!”

Jihoon snakes his arms around you and hugs you back. Your body is still warm from performing on stage and you feel nice pressed up against him. “Hi Y/N.”

“I missed you,” you whisper in his ear, just soft enough that only he can hear. His heart flutters at the words.

“Yo!” At the loud shouting you and Jihoon pull apart, just in time to see Vernon and James engage in a bro hug. You giggle at the two boys and Jihoon realizes that your hand has moved to hold onto his tightly.

The rest of your band is walking over and Tommy and Luka greet Vernon and Joshua. While everyone makes conversation you squeeze Jihoon’s hand and pull him away. He follows after, figuring his boys will be occupied with your boys for a while.

You pull Jihoon away from the backstage area and into your dressing room. It’s nice and large with a plush looking couch pushed against one wall. As soon as you close the door of your room you’re pushing Jihoon onto the couch and climbing on top of him, placing a leg on either side of his thick thighs. Automatically Jihoon’s hands fly up to hold your waist.

Your own hands cup Jihoon’s face as you kiss him softly. He kisses you back, soft and sweet. When you pull away from him, you wrap your arms around his neck, cuddling into his body.

“I’m so happy to see you.”

Jihoon is almost relieved to hear those words. The whole week he questioned if he was weird to miss you so much after only meeting twice. He likes knowing you feel the same.

“I’m happy to see you too. You looked great up there.” As he talks to you his hands rub up and down your sides, enjoying the silky feeling of your shirt under his palms.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Really great.” Jihoon shifts under you a bit, hoping you get the message. You obviously do when you giggle and lean down, pressing your mouth to his ear.

“You know Ji, I’m always so horny after performing. Help a girl out?”

Jihoon nods frantically and then before he can even blink your mouth is pressed up against his in a hot, wet kiss. Your fingers grasp the back of his neck, pulling him towards you and he wraps his arms around your waist, hugging you close to him. Jihoon can’t help but love the feeling of being able to have you like this again. You two fit together nicely and Jihoon wants to keep you in his lap forever.

Your thighs are tightly locked around his waist as you grind down on his crotch. Jihoon’s arms tighten around you even more as he bucks up into you. He’s been trying to keep his boner at bay but now that he has you all alone, he can stop caring. He rubs himself up against your warm core, already wet through your panties.

Something about the way you so easily fall apart in Jihoon’s arms drives him particularly mad. The soft whimpers that leave the back of your throat as you grasp at him more and more desperately. When Jihoon pulls away to catch his breath your lips are trailing after his, not quite wanting to let him go soon. Maybe Jihoon likes it because he’s just as obsessed with you as you are with him. He leans down to press open mouthed kisses to your throat and you giggle as he does.

“Didn’t even bother hiding them,” Jihoon mutters, his fingers trailing across the old bruises splayed across your chest.

“I wanted to show them off! You did such a pretty job.” You shake your chest a bit to show them off more, but Jihoon can only focus on the jiggle of your tits in his face. Jihoon dives down, his tongue laving right over them.

He can taste the salt of your sweat on your skin and it’s oddly intoxicating mixed with the scent of your expensive perfume and your weight pressing down on him. His cock is aching in his pants now, begging to find release.

You seem to realize this as you pull away from Jihoon and slip off his lap and onto the floor. The sight of you on your knees in front of Jihoon is nearly enough to make him cum on the spot. You look up at him with big pleading eyes and Jihoon forces himself to burn the image into his memory.

“Ji,” you whine, “lemme suck you. Please. You look so good tonight, I need your cock between my lips.”

Jihoon’s in a pair of blue jeans, a white t-shirt, and a leather jacket. It’s not much but he’s aware he looks good in the get up. He’s glad you’ve noticed as well. Jihoon internally gloats that while Soonyoung might of made fun of him, he’s the one getting his dick wet right now.

Jihoon shifts his hips a bit to signal you to go ahead and you dive right in, unzipping his pants and taking his cock out. It springs out of its constraints, heavy and hard as you hold it in your grasp. Without breaking eye contact with Jihoon you lean down and wrap your lips around the tip, sucking gently.

Jihoon takes an unsteady breath, not sure how long he’ll be able to hold out. He’s never wanted to cum as badly as he does now, watching the sight of your warm, soft lips on his thick, red cock head. Jihoon feels your tongue press up against his sensitive tip, lapping at where his precum has started to pearl, and he shudders.

He has to stop himself from grabbing your head and shoving it down his length. Instead he digs his fingers into the couch cushions next to him and goes his best not to thrust up into your mouth. You must sense Jihoon’s eagerness though, as you stop your coy act and widen your jaw, taking more of him in you. You bob your head up and down, your lips and tongue dragging against his cock, shooting pleasure through Jihoon’s body.

The sounds your mouth makes are the lewdest noises Jihoon has ever heard and he gets a picture to match it as he stares down at you. Your hands are wrapped around his length where your mouth can’t reach and your eyes are closed, focused on getting Jihoon off.

Your mouth and hands are skilled as you quickly work Jihoon to his high. You suck particularly hard at his tip and without much warning he’s bucking up into your throat, spilling his seed into you. Jihoon almost cums a second time just from watching you swallow down the load he gave you.

When you’re done swallowing, you open your mouth for Jihoon to see you took all of it and Jihoon can’t help himself from grabbing your jaw and running his thumb across your bottom lip before pushing it into your mouth. You automatically wrap your lips around it, sucking on it just like you did with his cock a few seconds ago. When you finally pop the digit out of your mouth, Jihoon’s cock is already starting to stir again.

Jihoon is aware you’ve probably done a lot of hooks up before. You’re a rockstar who writes songs about sex, of course you have to get your inspiration from somewhere. Still, the thought makes Jihoon a bit jealous and he has to push it down in turn to watch you start to strip for him.

You start with your top, easily tugging it over your head and tossing it to the side. Your tits are just as perfect as Jihoon remembers them. Jihoon stands up from the couch, his dick still hanging out of his jeans, as he crosses to where you’re standing. Without saying a word he reaches out and gropes your tits in his palms. As his fingers knead at your breasts, he leans in, connecting your lips together.

You let out a hiss that turns into a moan as Jihoon pinches your left nipple hard. Your hands scramble to push Jihoon’s jacket off his shoulders, the article of clothing falling to the ground with your discarded shirt.

His shirt is the next to go and Jihoon lets out a dissatisfied grunt when he has to pull his mouth away from yours. He’s not too upset by it though, because now he gets to feel your tits press up against his own chest. Both of your bodies are on fire and the actual heat of your dressing room isn’t helping either, suffocating his thoughts so the only thing on his mind is you and your pretty little cunt.

Speaking of your pretty little cunt, Jihoon’s fingers work frantically at the buttons of your skirt so he can have better access to it. He pushes your skirt down your hips and grabs one of your thighs, wrapping it around his waist so he can grind his dripping cock against your drenched panties. He groans against your shoulder when he feels the rough fabric of the lace against his tip.

Jihoon steps back from you to take off the rest of his clothes and he gets a good look at you then. Your lips are dark and swollen from how aggressively you two have been kissing and your chest is already starting to sprout new bruises from Jihoon’s relentless attacks on the soft skin. You’ve also shed your last layer and Jihoon gets a good look at your needy pussy.

Jihoon lets out a long exhale, his body screaming at him to fuck you.

He’s about to when he comes to a realization, causing him to curse softly. He doesn’t have a condom. He tells you that.

“Doesn't matter,” you tell him. “I’m on the pill and I’m 100% clean. Condoms were just a secondary precaution, but I need you in me now. Please Jihoon, just fuck me.” 

The thought sends Jihoon off. You just gave him permission to fuck you raw. The thought of your warm, wet walls wrapped around Jihoon’s cock without any barriers has Jihoon grabbing you and bending you over right there. You yelp a bit at being thrown around, but it quickly turns into a moan when you feel Jihoon grind up against your exposed folds.

“Ah~ Jihoon, please,” you beg. You sound so needy that Jihoon has no choice but to shove his cock into you. Your walls wrap around him desperately as he pushes into you. The fit is tight and Jihoon has to take a shaky breath before he starts to ram into you.

He can tell his cock is still just a bit too girthy for you from the way you whine every time he re-enters you. He slides his hand up your spine to between your shoulder blades and he presses down, pushing you into the couch cushions. 

Jihoon feels like he’s in a porno with the way he’s fucking you. When he glances to where your bodies are connected, a creamy ring has started to form around his base from your pussy. The recoil of your ass as he thrusts into you is hypnotizing and he has to pull his eyes away not to get too distracted. He slides his hand up further and into your hair, pulling back to lift your head off the couch.

Jihoon can’t believe he gets to be here with you like this again, his cock digging deep into your sweet cunt. His fingers tug at your hair a bit harder and your walls clench down around him, sending Jihoon’s brain and dick into a frenzy. 

“You like that jagiya?”

“Yes, yes, fuck Jihoon. I love it. Love your big fat cock and your strong hands and your sexy voice,” you ramble on, your voice tense and labored, taking breaks between your words just to catch your breath. 

Jihoon’s free hand lifts up off your hip, only to go flying back down against your ass, resounding in a loud slap echoing through the room mixed with your moan. Your ass is red when he pulls his hand back and Jihoon does it twice more before smiling, satisfied with the way it seemed to turn your brain off even more.

You look so pretty under him, sharing your pleasure with Jihoon as he uses your body to get himself off. When Jihoon glances at your face, your eyes are closed shut, tears spilling down your cheeks as a line of drool connects from your mouth to the couch. Jihoon’s stomach tightens as he watches you and he knows he’s close.

“Shit, Y/N,” Jihoon growls out as a warning before he’s pressing his hips flush against your, releasing his load straight into your pussy. At the feeling of his cum shooting into you, you cry out, your walls clenching down on him, pulsating.

Jihoon is panting as he pulls out of you, him cum spilling out along with it. His cum slides to the floor in thick globs and you groan at the feeling of it exiting your pussy. With shaky legs you stand up, clinging to Jihoon for support as you pull him into a kiss. Your mouths and teeth clash together, but it doesn’t matter because your lips are tangling together and Jihoon can taste you against his tongue and for now that subdues the urge to devour you.

Despite both of you just cumming, neither of you give yourselves time to rest. You push Jihoon back onto the couch before climbing into his lap again. Only this time, you line yourself back up with his cock before sinking down on him. His cock is still hard and he’s still terribly turned on so he’s not complaining. He’s grateful for his idol stamina or else he’s not sure he would be able to keep up with your insatiable desires.

“Shit, you’re still so tight,” Jihoon grunts. “Your cunt is perfect for my cock. So good for me.”

His grip on your hips is tight, probably too tight, but he can’t be bothered to care when your head is thrown back and the nastiest sounds are leaving your lips. Your tits bounce freely in his face as you fuck yourself on his lap and Jihoon can’t do anything other than stare in awe at them, enjoying the show.

“God Jihoon, you feel so good in me,” you cry out. Your fingers are perched on his shoulders, your fingers digging into the muscle so you can anchor yourself better.

As you bounce up and down on Jihoon’s cock, more of his cum pushes out of your cunt and drips onto Jihoon’s lap along with all of the slick your pussy is producing. Jihoon wants to cum in you again, already obsessed with filling up your tight cunt with his seed. 

His hands travel up your body and he gropes your tits harshly, pinch the nipples and scraping his teeth over your sensitive buds. You look like you’re about to ascend to heaven as you roll your eyes back into your head, moaning like your life depends on it.

It’s enough to get Jihoon desperate to go over the edge and he wraps his arms around your hips before pulling your body against his. You press your weight against his body, your legs giving out on you, as Jihoon starts to buck up into your sweet cunt. He’s sure the pressure is brutal inside of you, leaving you with a bruised cervix for later, but Jihoon only has one focus right now so he can’t bother being nice. He buries his face in your neck, doing everything to reach his high.

You seem to reach yours first, your body trembling in his grip as you trap his cock in a vice grip. This is enough to finally get Jihoon to cum for a third time tonight, spilling it all into your pussy again.

Jihoon’s body is sweaty and hot and he’s exhausted as he slumps back against the couch, out of breath with no thoughts in his mind. You don’t look much better as you drop your body on top of his, your eyes closing as you nuzzle your head against his chest.

Neither of you say anything for a while, just doing your best to regain your bearings and enjoy the feeling of your bodies sandwiched together. At some point Jihoon’s now flaccid cock slips out of you, but you don’t get off his lap yet. 

When you two do finally pull apart Jihoon is still feeling a bit light headed but he’s at least back down on Earth as he kisses your tear stained cheeks, rubbing your back.

“How are you feeling?”

“Good, very good,” you tell him. “Just…very tired now.”

Jihoon chuckles and stands up to grab a water bottle from the mini fridge sitting to the side of the room. You take it and chug the whole thing down. While you do that Jihoon looks around the room for something to clean you both up with. There’s a box of tissues sitting on your vanity and he grabs that and starts to wipe himself down before doing the same to you. It’s not the best clean up he’s ever done, but it’s the best he can do for now.

Jihoon finds his clothes and puts his boxers back on before crawling back onto the couch next to you. You lean against him, resting your head on his shoulder.

“You’re cute, you know that?” You mumble into Jihoon’s collarbone. “Right before you were gonna cum, you started mumbling in Korean.”

Jihoon flushes. He didn’t even know he was talking, let alone in Korean.

He settles on saying, “Your moans are cuter though.”

You stay silent for a moment before speaking up again, your voice more somber this time. “You’re leaving soon right?”

“Yeah, Sunday morning, so in two days.”

You snuggle a bit closer into Jihoon. “Would it be ridiculous to say I think I’ve gotten attached to you.”

Jihoon huffs out a laugh. “Not ridiculous, I think I feel the same.”

The truth is, Jihoon has gotten attached to you, even after only two days of interaction. There’s something so alluring about you that draws Jihoon in. Just like a siren calling a fisherman, you’ve drawn him in and it’s only due time before he crashes.

Your presence is comfortable and everything feels natural with you, it feels right. Jihoon doesn’t want it to end. He wants to store you away in his suitcase and bring you back to Korea with him. Everyday he’d get to wake up next to you, your pretty smile being the first thing he sees when he opens his eyes. You two would spend your days making music and cuddling on the couch. Then at the end of the day Jihoon would be able to press you into the mattress and have his way with you, enjoying the taste of you lingering in his mouth and soaking up every pretty sound he pulls from your lips.

But, he can’t. He has to leave you here, thousands of miles away from him, with a thirteen hour time difference from New York to Seoul. Not to mention you have your own careers and Jihoon is well aware of the time and effort his own takes. The Carats absolutely wouldn’t have it if it was revealed he has a girlfriend, who he was living with. Especially one with your public image. They would rip you to shred.

But god does Jihoon wish it would work out.

“Hey,” you say softly. Your finger is tracing patterns against his chest. “Would you maybe…want to spend the night at my place?”

Jihoon looks down at you and nods. He doesn’t care if his managers are going to kill him, he’s going to spend as much time with you as he can before he leaves. He shoots a quick message to his members who promise they’ll cover for him and then before he knows it he’s being driven to your apartment.

When you two get into your unit you order food for the two of you and then you fall asleep in Jihoon’s arms when you’re done eating. It’s painfully domestic and Jihoon holds you the whole night, afraid to let you go.

In the morning, when you wake up, Jihoon bombards you with a barrage of kisses and you giggle as you pull Jihoon’s body even closer to yours. It doesn’t take long to get both of you riled up, leading to your clothes strewn on the floor as Jihoon sinks himself into you once more.

That’s how you two spend the rest of your day, limbs tangled together, making love as Jihoon does his best to burn the feeling of your bare body pressing against him into his memory.

His head is currently shoved between your thighs, suffocating in your drenched pussy. You’ve had his thigh, fingers, and cock once but Jihoon is determined to get you off at least five times today. For now he’s taking his time though. His mouth moves slowly, teasing you so you get unbearably needy for Jihoon to give you more.

His tongue drags through your folds, collecting your slick and swallowing it down. Between the taste of your arousal, the sweet smell of your cunt, and the feel of your pussy on his tongue, Jihoon’s mind is muddled with a lust induced haze and Jihoon wonders if this is what it feels like to get high.

Jihoon’s plump lips wrap around your clit and he sucks on it gently, just enough to stimulate you but not enough to actually do anything. You squirm and whine and tug at Jihoon’s hair, but he ignores your attempts to get him to do more, content with driving you crazy for now.

Your legs squeeze tight around Jihoon’s neck, pulling him even further into your cunt. Your thighs are like earmuffs over his ears, cutting off his last sense so there’s nothing but you. Jihoon ruts his hips into the mattress under him, his own cock leaking and hard. He has a bit more resolve than you though, and he clamps his thick hands on your thighs, prying them apart once more.

“Please Jihoon,” you beg. “I need more.”

Jihoon pretends he can’t hear you as drags his lips to kiss over your folds like he’s making out with your pussy. He does this a few more times before moving his mouth off your core completely, turning his head so he can suck marks into your thighs. 

“Jihoon,” your voice sounds genuinely desperate, like if Jihoon doesn’t do anything you’ll actually combust. This is what Jihoon has been waiting for and he tightens his grip on you before diving straight into your cunt.

His motions have purpose behind them now as he licks at your sopping cunt. His nose bumps against your clit as his tongue flick back and forth over your hole. Your body is now trembling under him as you cry out in pleasure.

“Fuck, fuck, Jihoon, shit.” The words tumble out of your mouth as your legs shake around his head. He keeps eating your pussy out until your body goes limp.

He’s a bit surprised you came so fast, but he guesses you were pretty worked up from all of the teasing. And the previous orgasms.

Jihoon’s only cum once though, compared to the four times you have, and he’s not going to let you rest until he gets his second in. He picks himself up from between your legs and climbs over your body. He kisses up your torso, stopping at your tits for a moment, before finally making his way to your lips.

He kisses you hard and fierce, too impatient to be soft at the moment. You moan at the taste of yourself on his tongue. Your hips buck up into him when you feel his cock drag over your slit, his precum spreading against your folds. Jihoon is sure he could get off just like this, rubbing your pussy on his cock, and if he was just a tad bit more desperate he would, but he’s still slightly level headed enough to make the decision he wants to cum inside of you.

Jihoon spreads your legs wide before sheathing himself right into you. Your cunt allows him in easily, slick and stretched out from all of Jihoon’s previous efforts. His pubes brush up against your clit as he bottoms out in one go.

You let out a weak moan as Jihoon lets out his own deep sigh. Your walls are warm and soft around his aching dick and Jihoon imagines this is exactly what heaven feels like. As much as Jihoon would like to take his time with you, he’s already done that earlier and while teasing you, he got himself a bit too worked up as well. 

Jihoon doesn’t waste time, plunging his cock in and out of your cunt. His cock hits deeper and harder into you each time, slamming into your plush walls. The noises you make make Jihoon want to fuck you even harder and he grabs your legs and pushes them up against your chest, exposing your cunt to him even more. The change in angle has his tip digging into a new place, making you moan even louder.

“Ji, Ji, Ji,” you chant as the man in question continues to slam his hips into yours. Jihoon groans as he looks down at you, his hands pushing down against your legs to keep them in place, folding you in half. 

“So pretty,” Jihoon grunts. “My pretty baby feels good from my cock?”

“Yes, yes, so much. Feels soooo good Jihoon.” You’re babbling at this point, barely coherent from the pleasure you feel. The thought makes Jihoon smirk, gaining the urge to drive you completely for the edge. 

One of his hands releases your legs and moves up to your neck, clamping around it. His fingers squeeze firmly and you gasp a bit. He feels your cunt tighten around him, causing him to squeeze even harder. Your eyes roll into the back of your head as you throw your head back against your pillow.

Your skin is burning under Jihoon’s palm and he can feel the way your neck muscles move under his fingertips from the way you’re doing your best to let out strangled moans. Your body is already spent from the past four orgasms he’s given you, but he’s still not going to go easy on you. 

He wants you crying from his cock. Coming undone again and again and again until you can’t remember anything other than Jihoon. Nobody will ever be able to be as good as him and every time you go to write a new song, you think of him and this moment.

Your pussy keeps clenching down around him and Jihoon closes his eyes, trying to drag this out even more. He knows he won’t last much longer though. The warmth of the room combined with the warmth of your body has his own skin heating up, fogging up his brain. 

Jihoon feels your hand wrap around his wrist, pulling his fingers off your neck and moving them so they slip into your mouth. You suck on the digits, swirling your tongue around them, your taste buds pressing against his pads and that’s all it takes to send Jihoon over the edge. He cums deep into you, his cum shooting against your cervix.

Jihoon’s hips don’t stop though, pounding brutally into you, milking himself with your cunt. He pulls his fingers out of your mouth and slips them between your bodies, flicking and rubbing at your clit furiously. It isn’t until he feels you tense up under him, that he finally pulls his dick out of you. As soon as he does, the flood gates are broken and your cunt is spraying your juices all over the bed and Jihoon. 

The idol watches the way your pussy pulsates when you’re done squirting. You look completely wrecked and ready to pass out and Jihoon sees that as a job well done. Your leg keeps twitching every so often and Jihoon reaches over and massages it.

You whine a bit at his touch but don’t pull away. “‘M so sensitive.”

“You did so good for me,” Jihoon coos. 

When Jihoon is sure that you’re not going to pass out he gets up and pads into the kitchen to get you a glass of water. When he gets back to the room he finds that you’ve rolled out of the wet spot you made and are now sitting up.

You take the water from him and chug it down before making a feeble attempt to stand up. Your legs shake a bit and Jihoon has to steady you. He helps you to the bathroom where he draws you a bath and moves back to your room to change out the sheets.

When you get out of your bath you crawl back into the freshly changed bed where Jihoon is laying waiting. You don’t hesitate to snuggle down into his arms.

“I don’t want you to leave,” you admit in a small voice.

Jihoon sighs. He doesn’t want to leave either.

“I know that it’s unreasonable to do long distance,” you continue, “and that we both have busy schedules but, I’d really like it if we kept in touch. Then maybe the next time you’re in America, or if I go to Korea, we could meet up again.”

Jihoon kisses the top of your head. “I’d really like that too.”

In reality, Jihoon isn’t sure what’s going to happen. He’d like to think that you guys will keep in touch because he really hopes you do and for once he’s letting himself be an optimist. It’s not exactly like he’ll be able to forget about you anyway, so it’s better to keep a place open for you in his heart.

Jihoon holds you tight until he no longer can and he leaves you once more with nothing but a kiss and a promise to text you. His heart aches in a way he didn’t know was possible as he boards the plane to fly back home to Korea. Just another reason for Jihoon to hate flying.

This time Vernon sits next to him and the younger holds an earbud out to him. Jihoon slips it into his ear and the sound of a familiar bass solo floods his mind. Jihoon sends a grateful look at his dongsaeng, letting your playing soothe his heart. 

By the time the song ends Jihoon’s head is filled with ideas for songs about you and his heart is warm with a feeling that everything is going to work out in the end.

.

.

.

"Did you hear who's going to be featured on LADYKILLER's new track?"

"No, who?"

"Woozi and Vernon from Seventeen."

"Damn, I already know it's gonna be good. I mean, Y/N and Woozi? Sounds like a match made in heaven."

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join my taglist: here!

[secondratefiction]

Hi there! Hope you’re doing well! Kicking that funeral services degree’s ass with any luck!! I was wondering if you would be up to writing a drabble for Jason or Tim (whoever you think fits the scenario best) as the boyfriend of a law student. Maybe where they’re living together and she’s just barely getting 3-5 hours of sleep a night while trying to study for finals, writing a full legal brief, practicing for oral arguments, getting ready for her summer associateship, and applying for moot court and law review. (Is this based on some poor law student’s real life? We may never know!) And just like her needing someone to be there and take care of her, but also her wanting to take care of him too even though she is very much Trying Her Best to Survive™? (Btw thank you so much for blessing us with batfam content galore, absolute ICON <3 )

Oh good lord… bless you and this ‘hypothetical’ poor law student. I know my degree is kicking my ass all across the state and back, so I can only imagine… They keep telling me the degrees are worth it… we’ll ride it out and see. Good vides, and better times love 💜

—

Now I fully believe that Timmy would be wonderful at this in his own right… but every single thing about this request violently screams Jason Todd to me…

There are only so many hours and so many spoons in a day, and unfortunately a law degree takes up almost every single ounce of both of them

However, Jason has this innately ingrained need to take care of the people that matter to him, so this is exactly where he shines

He was always Alfred’s best protege, so the man cooks and cleans house like a pro. Not only that, but it’s something that he genuinely enjoys because they are simple and repetitive tasks that let zone out and go through the motions to decompress from his ‘other job’.

While he’s happy to take care of all of that and leave you to focus on the proverbial, ever-growing mountain of work you have - He’s not above making you stop to take a break.

It is not an uncommon occurrence for this man to literally close your laptop, throw you over his shoulder*, and haul you out to the kitchen table to sit down and have a meal with him.

((*I do not care what size you are, or what hang ups you might have about your weight, if this man can hold up a collapsing ceiling, he can carry you across y’alls apartment))

“Ok, I have physically seen you putting food and water into your body, you can go back to your cave now.”

This happens at least 2-3 times a week

He is concerned. Just humor him and let him love you.

Jason is 100% the type to be actively learning from anything you tell him

Some nights, when the insomnia and the nightmares decide to double team him, he’ll even sit up browsing through your textbooks just to try and understand everything you're doing more.

Tim get’s labeled the nerd of the family a lot, but really Jason would have been the family scholar if he’d had the chance

The second bedroom in your apartment is both your office and his library. That shit is floor to ceiling.

With that in mind he is always more than happy to be a sounding board when you need him to. Listen to what you’ve got, argue the other side if necessary

Dear god, just know what you’re getting into there… he lives for that kind of stuff, and he will come prepared. This is one of his all time favorite games, that comes second only to aggravating the living shit out of you (which, if he’s lucky, will be a bonus here)

95% of the time, Jason has got this, got you - focus on your school babe, I’ll take care of it… but that 5%? That bit where he’s not actually infallible? He so very desperately doesn’t want you to see that.

What you’re doing is important, and he doesn’t want the fact he had a rough night to be a distraction for you. This is where you enter a bit of a balancing act…

As much as you may want to put everything aside and take care of him, that is the fastest way to make him shut down.

Instead, grab a textbook and a highlighter. Go ‘make yourself some tea’ and pour him a mug too. Set everything up in the living room and drag him onto the couch with you.

Put his head in your lap, and just run your fingers through his hair while you do some reading.

Bonus points if you put a blanket over him

Poor baby is gonna melt in an instant and be out cold before you know it. Just keep playing with his hair and let him sleep.

And do not mention it if he is emotional when he wakes up… he’s never going to be good/get used to receiving love and affection. Do it anyway, and don’t make a big deal about it.

[bellaireland1981]

Stubborn Hearts | 2

Summary: Reader (Firecracker, Sunshine) has been in love with Bradley since she was a young girl. Growing up the two were inseparable, apart from short periods of time when she was on the West Coast with the Kazanskys. One faithful decision by her dad to block Bradley from going to the Naval Academy resulted in a huge rift between father and daughter and left her without Bradley in her life. Now all grown up, she’s called back to the west coast at the same time as her father and Bradley. Her mission, according to her dying godfather, is to mend fences with her dad and Bradley. Can stubborn hearts be healed?

(I suck at summaries for real).

This will have multiple chapters… this is 2 of ??

Characters: Bradley “Rooster” Bradshaw x Mitchell! Reader, Pete “Maverick” Mitchell x Daughter! Reader, The Dagger Squad, Shay (OC), Penny, Tom “Iceman” Kazansky

Word Count: 5373

Warnings: Angst, Fluff, Death of character, TGM Spoilers, Smut (later on ), Turbulent relationship with parent, Friends to lovers, …Please let me know if I’ve missed any!

Part 1     

A/N- This is my first time writing for TGM. I do not own the characters or plot lines from the movie. I DO NOT GIVE PERMISSION TO COPY OR REPRODUCE MY WORK ON THIS OR ANY OTHER PLATFORM! Reblogging is always welcome! Feedback is MUCH loved and appreciated. THANK YOU to @waywardodysseys​ for all support and bouncing ideas!!

Taglist: @gracespicybradshaw​ @memoriesat30​

The morning after your run in with Bradley, you came down to your aunt making pancakes in the kitchen. You cousins were sitting at the island, eating and preparing to head out to school shortly.

“Good Morning, Sweetie.” your aunt said, smiling warmly at you, “There’s coffee ready to go if you’d like some. I was expecting you to sleep in this morning.”

“Morning.” You replied, reaching for a mug from the cabinet. “I wasn’t out that late. The night didn’t go great.”

“Oh no.” she replied, pausing to turn to you. “What happened?”

“I ran into Brad…” You replied, “It didn’t go fantastic. I came home.”

“Are you ok, Y/N?” your cousin asked, looking up from her breakfast.

“I’m ok, Peanut.” you replied smiling, “Nothing I wasn’t expecting I supposed.”

“I’m sorry it didn’t go well, sweetie.” Your aunt said sympathetically. “Perhaps it was just the shock of seeing you for the first time in years.”

“No, I think it’s the fact that he apparently no longer sees us as friends.” you answered, “He made that abundantly clear. I’ll be fine though. I ran into Shay, so the night wasn’t a total bust.”

“His loss then and he’s a bigger idiot than I originally thought” She stated, “But I’m glad you ran into Shay. It’ll be good for you to have someone you can hang out with around here.”

“Yeah.” You replied, “I think we’re going to try to get lunch today. I have to give her a call.”

“Uncle Tom has a doctor’s appointment this afternoon, so we’ll be out for a bit.” She said, “I was thinking of putting some food on the grill for dinner…did you have plans?”

“No, I'll be here.” You replied, “Do you need me to go shopping or do anything to help you?”

“No, it’s ok.” She replied, “I think we have everything we need here already and honestly the cooking gives me something to do to keep busy.”

“Ok.” you said, understanding. “Just promise to let me know if you need help with anything at all.”

“I promise.” She smiled, turning to the kids, “Ok kids, hurry up. Your ride will be here shortly.”

You ate breakfast with your aunt before heading up to shower and get dressed. You sent a text to Shay setting up lunch for later that day. With the time you had this morning, you figured you’d head to the hangar and maybe take the plane up to clear your head. With the residual feelings from the night before, you felt air time was what you needed to shake it off and give you a mental break.

Coming downstairs you passed your uncle’s office, the door open, you could see him already sitting at his desk working on the computer. You shook your head, chuckling quietly. He truly never stopped.

“Morning, Uncle Tommy” You said, stopping at the doorway.

He looked up, smiling at you, motioning for you to come into the room.

Sarah said your meeting with Rooster didn’t go well. You ok?

“At the moment, not really.” You admitted, never able to keep anything from your uncle, “But I have plans to get up into the air this morning so I’m sure the situation will seem better soon.”

Don’t give up, Firecracker. Keep the door open.

“Uncle Tommy, I think that door was firmly closed by him. Not much I can do if he doesn’t want to be friends anymore. I can promise that I will …eventually… talk to my dad.” You assured him. “Brad did inform me you’d kept him up to date with my whereabouts occasionally, so thanks for trying.”

I wouldn’t count him out just yet. He cares. Going flying today?

“We’ll see.” You replied, “I am planning on flying this morning, then meeting Shay for lunch.”

Your Dad?

“You’re not letting this one go are you?” You replied, realizing how determined your uncle is when he sets his mind to something.

Not enough time to let it go, Firecracker. Time is always the enemy.

“I will call him tonight.” You promised, “He’s teaching now I assume, right? First day?”

Yes. More reason to reach out. He’s going to have a rough day.

“Tonight.” You repeated, “I love you more than the sky, Uncle Tommy.”

I love you higher than I can fly, Little Bird.

You wrapped your arms around your uncle from the side and dropped a kiss to the top of his head before heading out.

You grabbed your bag and headed to the hangar to get a few hours of flying in.

Thankfully, Frank seemed busy with other pilots and people that looked to be chartering a flight. You filed that information into the back of your head for later. If you were staying, you’d need a job. Maybe you  could establish yourself as a freelance charter pilot. If all else failed you could always ask Penny for a job slinging beers at the Hard Deck. Not that running into Bradley on the regular was something you wanted.

You ran through all preflight checks on your plane, making sure you had enough fuel and everything was safe. You looked over maps and plotted a flight plan that would take you out over the desert and back. Once you finalized your plan, you walked over to Frank to file the flight plan with him.

“Morning, Miss Mitchell.” Frank greeted as you walked over, “Getting some time in your plane today, huh?”

“Yes, sir” You replied, “Need to clear my head. I’ve got a possible flight plan here, if it checks out, I’d like to follow and get permission to take off.”

“Let me take a look, and we can get you on your way.” He replied, taking the plans you’d handed him. He looked at his computer screen and back at your plan before looking back up at you. “This should work, I’ll get you in the take off line-up now.”

“Thank you.” You replied, taking the paperwork he handed you, “See you in a few hours.”

The time spent in your plane did wonders for you mentally. You felt you could breathe easier as you radioed to the tower to get permission to land back at the hangar. It had been a smooth flight out and around. Clear skies all the way. Honestly, if you weren’t meeting Shay for lunch, you’d stay in the air longer.

Landing went as smoothly as the rest of the trip and you were taxiing back to the storage hangar in no time. Once you’d parked your plane you switched everything off and jumped down to start tying it down. The tasks, so familiar, you could do them in your sleep.

“Have a good flight?” Frank asked, stopping the golf cart outside of the hangar.

“It was great.” you replied, “Definitely did what I needed it to do.”

“Glad to hear.” He smiled warmly, “Say, if you’re plannin’ on being around here awhile, any chance you’d be interested in occasionally taking a charter?”

“I could do that.” You said, “A lot depends on how things go with my uncle though, to be honest. I’m here mostly because his health is declining quickly. I think I’ll be staying though, so maybe on a once in a while basis for now… until I know where my life is headed?”

“That’s more than fair.” He replied, “I’m sorry to hear about your uncle.”

“Thank you.” You replied, “I’ve got to meet a friend for lunch, but next time I’m here, I’ll bring a copy of my license and certifications.”

“Sounds good.” He said, turning the golf cart back on, “Enjoy your lunch.” Frank drove off with a wave heading back to the main office hangar,

You grabbed your bag and purse and walked to the Jeep parked outside the hanager. Turning your phone back on, you saw you had a text from Penny asking you to pop in during the day that week. Another text from your old boss asking if you’d consider coming back, and a text from Shay with the address of the Mexican restaurant you were meeting at for lunch.

You texted Penny back promising to stop in, your old boss telling him thanks for the love but you were planning to stay in San Diego, and lastly a text to Shay letting her know you were headed that way now.

Part of you wished you’d had a text from Bradley, but the logical part realized he probably didn’t even have your phone number anymore.

Putting it out of your mind, you entered the address for the restaurant into your phone and headed towards your lunch with Shay.

____________

“Hey!” She called, as you walked into the restaurant.

“Hi!” you replied, as you slid into the booth, setting your purse next to you. “How’s your day going so far?”

“It was pretty busy this morning, it makes the day move fast though so I don’t mind.” She replied, “How about you?”

“I had another heart to heart with my uncle. He made me promise I’d talk to my dad tonight. He said, ‘Time is the enemy’, so that’s going to be great.” You replied, “Then I went flying and life started to look a little better again.”

“How are you feeling about that impending conversation with your dad?” She asked, knowing the history. “How are you feeling after last night’s encounter with Bradley?”

“Honestly, I’m ready to talk to my dad. I miss him. One thing about Uncle Tommy fighting cancer… it put things into perspective. Being home and seeing him, knowing we’re at the end… just pushed the idea home. Being stubborn is dumb. I only have one dad.” You replied, “As for Brad… I was hurt and upset last night, and I still am, but now I’m also pissed. So fuck him.”

“I’m glad you’re ready and willing to try to patch things with your dad. You’re right… your uncle is right. Life is too short.” She agreed, “If you want, I’m sure Aunt Penny would be ok with you two meeting up there to talk… at least you’d have a referee if needed.”

“That might not be a bad idea” You laughed, “Penny always was a good go-between when her and dad were together.”

“As for Bradley…” she said, “I think it’s perfectly acceptable and justified to be pissed. I’m here if you ever need to vent…or need someone to help you hide a body.”

“I don’t think I’m at the homicidal level,” You laughed, “He’s not worth doing life in prison for. But thank you. I just may avoid the Hard Deck during peak hours for the foreseeable future.”

“Well that’s a shame.” She replied, “I mean, that other aviator was HOT last night. There were several others that were not hard on the eyes either…”

“He definitely showed interest in you!” You encouraged, “Hangman, I think, right? You should definitely pursue that.”

“He seems like he’d be a player though,” she reasoned, “Still, it could be fun while it lasted.”

“He may surprise you, Shay.” You said, “He certainly seemed interested, maybe there’s more to him that you saw.”

“Maybe.” She hedged, “You should come with me… I may need a wingman…woman…person.”

“I don’t know that my heart can handle having to see Bradley right now, Shay.” You replied honestly.

“I’ll block any interactions until you tell me otherwise.” She promises, “And I’m the female pilot…Phoenix? I’m sure she’d be willing to run interference… girl code and all. I know Aunt Penny would ring the bell on him in a heartbeat.”

“Ok…” You agreed, hesitantly, “I’ll come out with you. If it goes south though, you’re on your own afterwards.”

“I will take that deal.” She said, “What about tomorrow night? I know you’re talking to your dad tonight…”

“Tomorrow works.” You confirmed, “If it ends up a repeat of last night though, I am getting knock out drunk and you’ll have to take me home.”

“Also, a deal.” She said, “I promise to buy your drinks and be your drunk uber.”

After finishing up lunch you and Shay firmed up plans for the next night before you left to head to the Hard Deck to see Penny on your way home.

The parking lot was empty except for Penny’s beamer. You parked next to her car and headed inside. She was wiping glasses down and stocking the bar when you walked in.

“Hey Pen.” You said, walking up to the bar. “Need any help?”

“Nope, but I’ll accept company.” She said, smiling, “Hop up on the stool, my sweet girl. Do you want a drink?”

“Water with lemon if you have any sliced and handy.” You replied, “So, now that my dad’s back in town, any plans to pick up with dating again?”

“And here, I was about to ask you the hard hitting questions.” She laughed, “Our relationship is… complicated. I love him but I’m hesitant to take the leap. I have Amelia to think about. I need consistency, not on again off again.”

“I love my dad, Penny, but he’s got the emotional maturity of a toddler sometimes.” You laughed, “I know he loves you though, if that helps. Don’t accept anything less than 100%. You deserve someone who will put you first.”

“The same holds true for you, Kiddo.” She replied, gently. “I know last night was rough on you. I don’t know what was said between you and Rooster, but I saw the pain in your eyes when you left. I also saw the look on his face as he watched you leave, and the way he lit out of here after you left. Don’t write him off just yet, but like you said don’t accept anything less than 100%.”

“I think for now, I’ll just focus on trying to fix things with my dad.” You said, lowering your gaze, “I also just want to spend time with my Uncle and soak up as much of him as I can, while I can.”

“I understand.” She said, “When are you getting together with your dad?”

“I plan on calling him later tonight.” You said, “I know he started instructing at Top Gun today, so figured I’d wait until he had time to relax before calling him.”

“He would be more than happy to hear from you whenever.” She replied, “He misses you, but I don’t know how good he is at communicating that.”

“It’s not all his fault.” You admit, “I am my father’s daughter afterall. Stubbornness seems to run in the genes.”

“Knowing is half the battle.” Penny teased, “Aside from all of that, Amelia was asking about you. You should come out to the house sometime. Maybe come over on Sunday for dinner? The bar is closed.”

“I’d love to see her!” You said happily, “Sunday sounds good. Just let me know what time and what you’d like me to bring.”

“I’ll text you a time, and just bring yourself.” She said, “Amelia will be excited.”

“I can’t wait.” You replied, “I miss her. I can’t believe how fast she’s growing up.”

“You and me both, Kiddo.” She replied, “You and me both.”

“I should head back to the house. Uncle Tom had an appointment today. I know it’s been really hard on Aunt Sarah, so I want to hear how that went.” You said, “I’ll apparently be here tomorrow night with Shay though. She needs a wingman… she promised to run interference and protect me from unpleasant interactions with Bradley.”

“I will help as I can too, sweet girl.” She replied, “I’m happy you and Shay are able to spend time together.”

“It’s been great to catch up.” You replied, “I love you, Pen. For what it’s worth, I’ve always rooted for you and my dad to find your way back together.”

“I love you too.” She smiled gently, “Regardless of what happens or doesn’t happen between your dad and me, I’m always in your corner.”

You headed out to the Jeep and, checking the time, decided to send your dad a quick text.

You: Hey Dad… I hope your first day went well with the aviators. If you’re free tonight or have time… can you give me a call?

You took a deep breath and set your phone down before putting the key in the ignition and headed home.

The house was quiet when you walked in. You went up to your room to set your purse down and kick your shoes. Your phone notified you of a new message, sitting on your bed you pulled the phone to check.

Dad: Firecracker, I will never turn down talking to yout. It’s been… a rough day. How about I come get you on the bike and we take a ride?

You: It’s been awhile since we’ve done a ride on the bike… I think I’d like that. I’m sorry you had a bad day.

Dad: Nothing that time with my favorite girl won’t fix. :)

You: I’ll see you later, Dad.

Dinner that night was pretty quiet. Your uncle’s appointment, not being the greatest news. The cancer was progressing faster now that he was no longer receiving any treatment. Time really was running out. You were glad you made plans to see your dad later that evening, giving your aunt and uncle time with the kids to process and adjust to the new timeline.

Once everyone was done eating, you took over cleaning up for your aunt. You rinsed all the dishes and placed them into the dishwasher before wiping down the counters and putting away the leftovers. Once the kitchen was back to its immaculate state, you went upstairs to change into warmer clothes for the ride with your dad. While Southern California was generally warm, it still got cooler at nights, and on the bike it would be even cooler.

You got a text from your dad letting you know he was on his way so you made your way downstairs.

“I’m heading out in a few minutes with Dad, he texted to say he’s on his way.” You let your aunt know.

“Tell him to stop by tomorrow after he’s done teaching.” Your aunt requested.

“Not asking,” Tom rasped, looking up at you.

“I will let him know. I love you both.” You replied, understanding what wasn’t said.

“We love you too, sweetheart.” Your aunt said, “Enjoy your time with your dad.”

You hugged them both before heading outside. You didn’t have long to wait, he pulled on the motorcycle a couple minutes later.

“Hey, Firecracker,” He said, smiling warmly. One thing about your dad, his smile lit up his whole face and you always knew he was genuine. “I’ve missed your face, Y/N.”

“Hi, Dad.” You smiled back, seeing him face to face made you realize how deeply you’d missed him. “I’ve missed you too.”

“Hop on.” He said, handing you a helmet. “Let’s drive up the coast a bit.”

You took the helmet and pulled it on, securing the strap under your chin before getting on the bike behind your dad and wrapping your arms around him. His familiar woodsy scent mixed with the faint scent of jet fuel was comforting.

You enjoyed being on the bike, feeling the wind on your face and the warmth of your dad. You traveled up the coast, for several miles, taking in the sights. After about a half hour, your dad pulled off into a beach parking lot and parked the bike. You climbed off, stretching your muscles and removing the helmet. You set it on the seat of the bike, turning to look at the view.

“It’s beautiful here. Peaceful.” You commented, surveying the deserted beach, the sun starting to set over the horizon.

“That it is.” Your dad agreed, “Come on, let’s take a walk down to the water.”

The two of you headed towards the wood boardwalk that would lead down to the sand. Once at the sand you paused to kick off your shoes, preferring to walk barefoot through the sand.

You walked in comfortable silence before you stopped and plopped down onto the sand. Your dad followed suit, settling in next to you.

“How’s Ice?” He said, starting the conversation.

“It’s not good, Daddy.” You replied quietly. “The cancer is progressing really fast now that he’s stopped treatment. We’re going to lose him too soon.”

He reached over to wrap his arm around your shoulders, pulling you gently into his side. He turned his head and dropped a soft kiss on the top of your head.

“There’s never enough time, is there?” He asked, not really expecting an answer.

“That’s what Uncle Tommy told me” You replied, “Time is the enemy.”

“He’s a very wise man,” He agreed, “Much wiser than your old man.”

“I dunno,” You said, “You were wise enough to make him my Godfather.”

“Touche, Firecracker.” He laughed.

“Aunt Sarah said to stop by after you’re done with work tomorrow.” You relayed your aunt’s message, “And Uncle Tommy said, and I quote, ‘Not asking’”

“I know I need to…” He replied, staring out at the horizon, “Would you think less of me if I admitted that I’m afraid?”

“No.” You replied, “Because you’re being honest. I get it… we avoid what we’re afraid of. It’s why I kept putting off this conversation. But Uncle Tommy, Aunt Sarah and Penny said I needed to stop being hard headed so here we are.”

“You come by that honestly,” He admitted, “Sorry for that.”

“It’s ok to be afraid, Dad” You said, “I’m scared too. I don’t know how to navigate a world in which I can’t call Uncle Tom when I need him. But, if you don’t go see him, if you wait until it’s too late, you’re going to have to live with that guilt and it could eat you alive.”

“When did you get so smart?” He asked, smiling over to you.

“I come by it honestly.” You smiled back at him.

“What about this conversation scared you, Firecracker?” Mav asked, changing the subject.

“I’ve spent the majority of my teenage years into adulthood being angry at you…letting feelings of resentment stew.” You admitted, “I was mad at you for what you did to Bradley. I didn’t understand. I still don’t understand. I was angry that in doing what you did you ripped my best friend away from me. I’m angry as hell at him for leaving me behind too, don’t worry.”

You could feel yourself on a roll, all of the emotions and thoughts you’d pushed down over the years bubbled out now. Your dad, thankfully, just let you get it all out.

“When you were home, and it was us against the world, it was great. I could convince myself that I meant more to you than flying and the Navy. But then another call would come, new orders would arrive, a new mission would pop up and you’d leave. You looked relieved to be leaving. It felt like you wanted to leave. I’d get sent to Carol, or flown out here to Uncle Tom and Aunt Sarah and you’d go off and do what you loved….without me. As an adult, I figured it was just easier to make myself scarce so you didn’t have to choose and I didn't have to feel unwanted anymore.”

You hadn’t realized you’d started to cry until you felt a teardrop land on your hand in your lap. You brought your hand up to wipe away the unwanted tears. Staring, unseeingly across the ocean, trying to reign in the emotions and to calm your breathing.

“Y/N,” Mav said, voice thick with emotion, “I have never not wanted you. From the moment your mom told me she was pregnant I have wanted you with every single fiber of my being. I was beyond happy about being a dad…being your dad. I had absolutely no fucking clue what I was doing, how to be a good dad, but I wanted to be good. While your mom was alive, I could follow her lead, learn about how to be a good parent. She made it seem easy. After she died, I was scared shitless. I no longer had someone else to soften the blow or pick up the slack where and when I failed. I had this beautiful, intelligent, firecracker of a little girl that I now had the sole responsibility to raise. I’m not excusing my lack of parenting or minimizing your feelings. I just need you to know… you were wanted. I just didn’t know what I was doing.”

He paused, taking a few cleansing breaths, before continuing.

“When you were little, I could hide the fact that I was clueless. You were happy to travel with me, you saw it as an adventure. We had a home base, and that worked for us. As you got older, and you needed to be in school, Carol quickly pointed out you needed stability. So we formed a new plan. When I was gone you’d stay with her or with Ice and Sarah on longer deployments. You’d get the stability, the female role models you needed. Someone who knew what they were doing and wouldn’t screw it up. It may have seemed like it was easy to leave you… truth is… it killed me every time. I left a huge piece of my heart behind every time.”

You gave up  wiping the tears away at this point, allowing them to fall freely from your eyes. Your heart, which had been broken for years, was starting to mend. The gaping hole decreasing with your dad’s words. Just hearing that you were wanted and loved going a long way to fix what was broken inside.

“I am so sorry, Y/N that you spent even a second believing I didn’t want you. That I didn’t love you.” He said quietly, wiping his own eyes. “Flying… the Navy… neither can hold a candle to you, Firecracker. You are my world. The most important part of my life. Don’t ever forget that or doubt that.”

“I don’t remember much about mom.” You said, your voice rough from crying, “But I bet she’d probably be knocking both our heads together huh?”

“Absolutely no doubt about it.” He agreed, chuckling, wiping the remaining tears from his eyes, “Carol too. She’d call me an idiot and slap me. She’d have slapped Bradley too…”

“How is that going?” You asked.

“It’s been…icy” Mav responded, “He’s definitely still holding a grudge.”

“Dad… can you blame him?” You asked, “How would you feel if someone you loved and looked up to was responsible for blocking you from the Naval Academy? From standing in the way of following your dreams?”

“I’d probably be pretty pissed at them.” he reasoned, “I’d like to think I’d at least let them try to explain though.”

“Have you?” You asked, “Have you tried to tell him the real reason for standing in his way? Or do you just give him the response ‘he wasn't ready’?”

“It’s bad enough he hates me, Firecracker.” He sighed, “I couldn’t live with him being angry at his mom.”

“Maybe it’s time to come clean and let him decide who he is and isn’t mad at.” You offered, “He’s not a kid anymore, Dad. He’s a grown ass man, who, despite being set back, set him mind to achieving his dreams and became one of the top aviators in the US Navy. He might be an asshole that I seriously want to throat punch, but you can’t take the rest away from him.”

“Between the two of us, I’m so damn proud of what he’s accomplished.” Mav admitted.

“So you won’t just wash him of this mission?” You asked. Despite it all, you wanted Bradley to succeed and become everything he always dreamed of.

“He’s got just as much of a shot as the other aviators.” Mav said, “If he isn’t selected though, it’ll be because of his own lack of confidence and playing it too safe. He’s a damn good pilot but he gets in his own head too much. He thinks too much.”

“As long as he has a fair shake at this mission, that’s all I can ask.” You said. “And Brad’s always allowed himself to be in his head too much. He’s always been cautious.”

“You’re still in love with him aren’t you?” Your dad asked, watching you closely in the fading light.

“How did you know about that?” You asked, “Who ratted me out?”

“Nobody had to rat you out, Firecracker.” Your dad laughed, “You’ve had hearts in your eyes in regards to that boy since you were still in pigtails. It’s obvious to anyone who see you and knows you.”

“Great” You groaned, “That’s not at all embarrassing.”

“If it helps, I should have said it’s obvious to anyone except Rooster.” He clarified. “However, I used to see the same look in his eyes whenever you were around.”

“Well that look is long gone then.” You confirmed, “The message I got from him the other night was that I was no longer even worthy of friend status.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure, Firecracker.” Mav said.

“We’ll see.” You hedged, then decided to turn the tables, “hey, Dad?”

“What’s on your mind?” He asked

“What are your intentions towards Penny?” You asked.

“I don’t know how to answer that.” He sighed.

“Well, then… maybe until you do know… don’t do anything to get her hopes up.” You said. “Penny deserves more than on again off again.”

“I can tell you that I love her.” He admitted, “I just don’t know if I’m any good at relationships.”

“Well… if it helps, I love her too.” You said, “And I think you can do anything you put your mind to.”

“Thanks for the vote, kid.” He laughed, “I’m glad you love her.”

“Amelia too.” You said, “Wouldn’t mind a little sister.”

“Slow down, Firecracker.” He nudged you playfully, “One step at at time.”

“I can live with that.” you replied, nudging him back.

The ride back home was as pleasant as the ride to the beach. Mav stopped at an diner at the halfway point and bought the two of you milkshakes before driving the rest of the way home.

You hopped off the back and secured the extra helmet the back of the bike.

“Thanks, Dad” You said, leaning down to hug him, where he still sat on the bike. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Firecracker” He replied, “I’ll call you tomorrow after training and please let Ice and Sarah know I’ll be here.”

“I will.” You promised, “Be safe tomorrow. Don’t do any crazy pilot stuff.”

“Says the girl who does crazy pilot stuff in her own plane.” He said, smirking at you.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about” You feigned innocence. “I’m a very safe pilot.”

“Maybe we should change your name to Pinocchio.” he teased.

You stuck your tongue out and turned to head inside, your dad’s laughter following you. You turned to wave before heading inside.

“I take it, it went well?” Your aunt asked, smiling as you walked through the kitchen.

“Yes.” You confirmed, “Thank you, Aunt Sarah… you and Uncle Tommy pushing is definitely what was needed. I should have talked to him a long time ago.”

“You’re more than welcome Sweetheart.” She said, “You’d have come around eventually. We just didn’t want you to lose any more time. And… we both knew you’d need your dad, and he’d need you.”

“The world is going to suck when Uncle Tommy isn’t in it anymore.” You whispered, your emotions lodging in your throat.

“It won’t be as good, that's for sure.” She agreed, her eyes misting over. “The sun won’t shine as bright.”

You walked over and hugged your aunt tightly. You knew she was doing her best to stay strong for everyone else.

“We’ll get each other through.” You assured her

After saying goodnight, you headed upstairs to shower and crash. The emotions from the last 48 hours had been a lot. You needed a good night's sleep to refresh for tomorrow.

[angellbarnes]

sparks flying

day 1 - firefighter AU

pairing: firefighter!Bucky x reader

summary: a real life firefighter to crush on? say less. with you’re clumsiness you’ll definitely be needing him around a lot more

word count: 1.3k

warnings: just idiots with crushes fluff, (small) fires

A/N: so this is officially day 1 of my 30 day writing challenge! I’ve been gone from writing for wayyy too long. I’ve had a lot going on in life and in my head tbh but now I’m ready to saddle up again and hopefully this will be a good n fun way to bring back my writing! I think this is a cute one to start the challenge with. please like, comment and reblog, it means so so much🤍

•••

A couple of weeks ago…

“Wanda, stop!” you yell. “You know how ticklish I am!” You’re fighting against her as she pins you down. Nat is cackling beside you, laughing at your struggling.

“Say it! Admit you like him!” She cries.

“No! I’ll never!” You cry back.

A relaxed girls night seemed like a good idea before truth or dare was involved, and it led to both Nat and Wanda forcing you to admit your schoolgirl crush on Bucky, a firefighter in your neighbourhood.

“Then I won’t stop.” You’re fighting for breath at this point, before you kick your leg perfectly, or unfortunately, to knock over a candle on the side. It falls to the carpet and everyone’s eyes widen.

“Shit!” You exclaim. You grab a pillow and hit it over the flames repeatedly. You exhale heavily when it’s out. You turn and see Wanda and Nat smirking as Nat is holding her phone to her ear. “Wha- Nat, no!” You say sternly, you can see her plan smug on her face. She holds her finger up at you as she starts speaking.

“Hey, Steve, we just had a small fire over here, maybe you should come over to make sure it’s been put out properly… Yeah, just a candle, nothing major… Ok, thanks babe. Oh, and you should probably bring Bucky too, if he’s around. Cool, see you soon.” She hangs up.

“Seriously?” You deadpan.

When they arrive, you’re sitting on the sofa with Wanda and Nat opens the door. Of course, behind Steve, Bucky comes striding in too. Wanda wiggles her eyebrows at you, poorly hiding her grin. You simply roll your eyes.

“What’ve we got here then?” Steve remarks, blankly staring and, frankly being unimpressed, at the charred patch of carpet beneath you.

“I just knocked over a candle. It is absolutely no big deal and it’s clearly out.” You reply, tight lipped. Avoiding eye contact with the looming brunet beside him, as if you’d drop dead if you were to. “What would we do without you two though?” You sarcastically add.

“What even happened?” Bucky asks, and you finally look at him, in the eyes, as you silently die inside while searching for a reason other than the truth.

“Wanda pushed me into it, and then it fell on the carpet.” Bucky raises a suspicious brow at your answer.

“Ok,” Steve says. “Just maybe try to keep candles upright from now on. We should go, Buck, and get to that bar before it’s too busy.”

“You guys are going out? We’ll come with!” Nat jumps up and pulls Wanda from the sofa, stretching her hands out to you next.

“I would, but I’ve got an early shift tomorrow. A 6am start is not what I want on less than 7 hours of sleep.” You reply, honestly this time.

“Ugh, fine.” Nat whines. Everyone starts to head out as you hold the door. You say bye to everyone and wish them a good night as Bucky hangs back.

“Shame you can’t come tonight, maybe next time?” He leans in the doorway and you think your heart actually skips a beat.

“Yeah, sounds good.” You can’t help but smile as he flashes a cheeky grin. He begins walking out and you admire his frame. It’s a shame he can’t put out the fire roaring inside of you right now.

“Have a fun shift tomorrow!” He calls out.

“Oh, I will.” You shut the door and roll your eyes and the feelings he gives you.

Now…

“Ugh, stupid fucking lights!” You growl and the flickering bulb above you, which eventually goes out altogether. You know it’s not the lightbulb because you’ve only just changed it. The same thing happens in your bedroom and the kitchen. Determined, you set out to find the light panel for your flat, which is somewhere in the building. You finally find it and open it up. You see your flat number and, beneath it, some switches and screws and wires you’ve never encountered before.

“Fuck it.” You take out your screwdriver and just head into this unknown world. You try a few switches and screws when a couple of sparks fly. You jump back with a slight shriek. Your eyes widen and your hand covers your mouth as the sparks turn into a small flame.

“Nooo. no, no, no, no, no, shit, shit, shit.”

The flame begins to grow and you look around, with no luck, for some sort of fire extinguisher. The nearest thing is a fire alarm. Brilliant. 10 in the evening and now the whole building is going to hate you.

“For fucks sake.” You press the alarm and run away from the scene of the crime before people can see you near it.

Everyone is stood outside, cold and annoyed, when the engines arrive. With everyone in gear it’s hard to tell who’s going in. You’re all waiting for a short while before they tell everyone it’s taken care of and you can start heading back in. The firefighters begin taking off their helmets and masks. You notice Steve and – shit – Bucky. You don’t have time to get away before he spots you too. He heads over.

“Hey. I’m starting to get used to this building now.” He comments. You chuckle lightly. “I’m worried you’re heading towards becoming an arsonist.” Your eyes go wide.

“How did you know it was me?” You whisper-yell. His eyes widen in response, brows furrowing.

“We didn’t. I was just making a joke, but now I’m actually concerned about you.” He folds his arms and laughs as you slap your hand to your face in stupidity.

“Oh. Shit. Uhh, there’s no getting out of this, is there? Oh god, are you meant to arrest me or something? Ok, here’s the plan: I never said or did anything. Sound good?” You reason, realising you’re just continuing your idiocy. He just smiles in response before nodding his head toward the building.

“Should I walk you up? Just to make sure you don’t start any more fires.” He quips and you scoff, rolling your eyes and playfully elbowing him.

“Fine. Just to make sure.”

“You do realise I’m going to be telling Steve about this?” Bucky says when you reach your door. “And then he’ll tell Nat, who will then tell Wanda.” He smirks, leaning against the doorway again after you step inside. God, you love a man in uniform. Although, you’d like him more out of it–

“Oh, I’m prepared for that.” You look back into your apartment, and at that patch of carpet from last time, and why it happened. “Did you want to come in?”

“Uhh…” He begins. You mentally scold yourself. He clearly doesn’t want to. But then again, he’s still in uniform.

“Oh, shit, are you still on duty? Or you don’t want to. Either way, it’s fine. Sorry for asking.” You ramble.

“No, no, that’s not it. I’m actually technically finished now. I was just going to ask if you wanted to go to that bar now? As long as you don’t have another early shift tomorrow, that is.” You light up inside at his question, and can’t help the grin that spreads across your lips.

“Yes! Yeah, that sounds nice, I mean.” You shyly look at the floor and notice he steps forwards. He lifts your chin with his finger so you’re looking into his eyes.

“Uh, there’s actually something else I wanted to ask you…” He begins, and you both instinctively begin to lean into one another.

“Yeah?” You reply softly. The corner of his mouth lifts.

“Can I kiss you?” He whispers into your lips and your breath hitches.

“Yes.” You pull him into you with his jacket and his lips press against yours. Suddenly, another fire is igniting. But a much, much better kind. The kiss is deep and long-awaited, both of you trying to get closer, while already being flush against one other. Finally you part, chuckling and biting your lip.

“I’ve wanted to do that for so long.”

“Thank god for my lack of my electrician knowledge, huh?”

[cjwritesforyou]

College Freshman Chapter 11

Chapter 11 of College Freshman

Uploaded at 1EST everyday

Angie walked into class with her things and set them down. She was always the first one.

I’m gonna be the first one there, Thomas texted.

We’ll see about that, Angelina texted back.

There was still more than enough time until class that day. Angie usually woke up early, but she woke up especially early for today.

So much for that, she thought.

Angie was setting her pens down and got her notes out early. She wanted to be prepared, after all.

The door swung open with a familiar thud and she swung her eyes open to check who it was. Nobody should be here this early. Thomas huffed and heaved his way through the doorway and let the door fly back.

“How early did you get here?” Thomas said, with his hand on his knees.

“I just got here,” Angelina replied.

“Right, right.”

Thomas took a seat right across from her and set his backpack down. He was still heaving and had a fast heart beat.

“You didn’t have to run here,” Angelina said, flipping her notes open. She marked the day at the top right and was all ready for the lecture.

“I thought I would beat you,” Thomas said.

“You didn’t,” Angelina said.

“I see that now.”

“Did you think you would beat me if you ran?”

“I wasn’t thinking a whole lot then.”

“You do that enough,” Angelina said.

“I do?”

“Nevermind.”

She sat up in her chair and checked her phone. Still a lot of time before anyone would start showing up.

“What do you do during these lectures?” Angelina asked. “Since you’re not taking notes or anything. Are you even paying attention?”

“I sleep,” Thomas said.

“I’ve seen that.”

“Or eat chips.”

“That sounds like something you’d do.”

“I mean, they’re so good!” Thomas said. “I wish they weren’t so loud.”

“What’s your favorite flavor?”

“Salt and vinegar. Hands down.”

“Salt and vinegar?”

“I’m too used to everything else. I know their taste,” Thomas said, looking up. “But salt and vinegar,” he looked at her. “It surprises me everytime!”

“Everytime?”

“Everytime! It’s like I know the taste, but I don’t. I have to have them.”

“Is that your go to chips?”

“Of course it is! As long as I can find it.”

“Interesting,” she said.

Thomas unzipped his backpack and pulled out a bag of salt and vinegar chips. He was ready.

“You do have some!” Angelina said, looking at the chip brand. She would remember it. She had to.

“Of course I do,” Thomas said. “I have a whole pack in my room. I wouldn't forget.”

“Hmm. Makes sense.”

Thomas checked the time and saw how early they were. He raised his eyebrows when he saw the number.

“Are you always here this early?” Thomas asked, and turned to face her.

“You said you were going to beat me today,” Angelina responded.

“I should’ve,” Thomas checked the time again. “We are so early for class.”

“I’m not usually this early.”

“But today’s different?”

“Today had to be different.”

“I guess so. I would show up earlier if I saw that text too,” Thomas said, and reached for his chips. “What do you usually do?”

“Wait.”

“You wait?”

“I do a lot of waiting. It’s good for me. You should try it.”

“But I would’ve gotten more sleep.”

“Go to sleep sooner.”

“Is that your mantra?”

“I try to make it mine,” Angelina said, and turned. “I haven’t ever seen you this early before.”

“Well, I’m usually late.”

“Writing papers?”

“Making up some work.”

“At least you come to class,” Angelina said. “Some people skip entirely. And you have a real reason, too.”

“What else would I do with my morning?”

“Right! This is the only thing going on.”

“I could sleep.”

“You do that anyways. In class.”

“I’m tired.”

“Do you even pay attention?”

“I try to,” Thomas said. “Some of the material is boring, though. So I pass out instead.”

“What’s kept you up?”

“The lecture about case studies.”

“OK, OK. Go on. What makes it interesting?”

“All of the cases. I mean, anything could happen, but people are studying traumatic brain injuries. I think that’s interesting,” Thomas said, and looked at the ceiling. “Their behaviors, their patterns, their mannerisms, we’ll never fully understand them. But we can make a guess. I think that’s interesting,” He looked back at her and started again. “We should know how the brain works and what is wrong with a patient, but we can never be certain. Countless psychologists have been proven wrong and I find that so, so interesting. Why can’t math be like that?”

“You have a math class?”

“I do, and we’re always looking for an answer. There’s an answer for everything we learn. I think that’s so boring,” Thomas said and shook his head. There are little intricacies, like in case studies, that we can follow findings, but we can never be certain. That’s the interesting part.”

“Wow,” Angelina said. “Aren’t you a psychologist or something?”

They both laughed, because it was funny. Thomas was an established writer and she was… she was at this school. She was trying to be better than him, but he has so much to say. She wanted to hear more, and she wanted to hear about it forever. Could she hear about it more?

“Wh–”

The door slammed open and three students walked in, chatting. She checked her phone and saw it was about the time people rolled in. They wasted a lot of time, and she loved it.

“What were you going to say?” Thomas asked.

“Nothing, nothing. I just found it interesting, that’s all,” Angelina replied.

A few more students came in and Angie faced them. Thomas–on the other hand–looked disinterested in them.

“I’ll tell you more,” Thomas said.

“You will?” Angelina said.

“I will. This isn’t the greatest spot, though.”

“It isn’t. Should we go to the study room again this weekend?”

“We can do that,” Thomas said, and looked her right in the eye while perking up a smile. “I was thinking something else, though.”

“Something else?”

“Something else would be fun,” Thomas said. “Do you know any good local spots?”

“You would be up for it?” Angelina asked. “You wouldn’t have any more papers?”

“I’m free for the rest of the weekend,” Thomas said, rubbing his hands together and smiling.

“I know a good local spot.”

“Let’s hear it.”

“On the corner of Main and 5th,” she said, and thought about it. “There’s this really good coffee shop.”

“I know it! We should go.”

“Are you free Saturday, then?” Angelina asked. “Around brunch time?”

“When is brunch time for you?”

“10am.”

“Let’s meet there, then.”

“Let’s,” Angelina smiled at him and looked toward the front of the classroom.

The door jutted open and Molly was walking in, her usual timing, a few minutes before class. When she realized Thomas was in the other row, she stopped and looked from one person to the other. A few times.

Molly shrugged and continued walking to the seat behind Angie. Where Thomas was covered up, she gave a wink and sat down. She knew too much.

The professor walked in soon after Molly, and he got straight to lecture. It was a longer one today, so there was no time to waste. 

Angie looked over at Thomas. He was already sleeping through lecture. She laughed and thought of how early he was, and now he was asleep. She went back to taking notes with a good attitude. Angie was excited for Saturday.

[prttykittes]

:3 anon

Hi! Sorry it’s been such a long time! But i had some MASSIVE drama in which ima be coping w rn by writing. Cause, I feel like i won’t recover from it.

some of these are actual messages that we sent.

You were lovely. The best thing that’s happened to me since that day. We talked and talked till we went to sleep. We always thought of each other. You, loved me. Not in the way you thought. You have a girlfriend. She’s right there, lying in bed sleeping as you talk with me. The day you told me you had feelings, I didn’t know how to respond. My whole body began to shake. I didn’t know what to do. My mind begins to wonder as i try to find hints from you. They were so obvious, I was just slow. Your poor girlfriend was never told of how you felt about me. I even told you multiple times that communication is key in any relationship. You try to explain how you feel, going through what you think about me. My mind goes blank as I myself don’t understand how im feeling. I tell you to go talk to your girlfriend immediately. To tell her what you told me. Everything eventually becomes ok. You begin to blame yourself. I felt bad because I felt like i could’ve done more. Yet everyone i ask, they said i did everything i could. I know i could’ve done more. We both try to distance ourselves for our own good but, every time we try to part we can never let go. Everyone has told me to block you. I can’t. You were everything. Every time, i try to forget. But, you were truly a lovely experience i can never forget. So you stop yourself everytime, hoping that we can talk comfortably again. you felt like maybe why you feel so bad is because you love me as a friend and, you’re scared thats going to happen is that you’re just going to get blocked then boom never get to speak again. its hard for you to keep thinking about it just randomly you go to bed, then you wake up and you wont see my name there anymore. like you got it though your head. what you did was your mistake, but its just thinking about the chance of waking up and it all going to be real then. it doesn’t help that the other mistakes you’ve done just come back as well. even the ones that you told your dad you were going to be fine and fix, but you never got to before he died. so you’re just trying your best to be normal again but its getting harder and harder. you’re afraid of losing someone you trust most and seems like they care. Our story is just like the song “Promise” by Laufey. This specific verse: “I’ve done the math. there’s no solution. we’ll never last. Why can’t I let go of this?”. The song perfectly explains our relationship. We know we should leave, but we can’t. We know that we’re fading apart but, we keep coming back. “No matter how long I resist temptation, I will always lose. It hurts to be something, It’s worse to be nothing with you.”

. I hope your doing well, :3 anon! <3 (nice to see u again! (⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡)

[aajjks]

TPOL!JK

“son, she said she was drunk. you of all people should know that your mind can’t register what’s happening when you’re under the influence” ji-ae sighs not wanting to bring the matter up anymore and maybe jaemin being around you isn’t best. “never mind. he won’t see y/n then” she says before taking the crying infant and walking around the park hoping that will soothe him.

please do not be around us anymore. that includes jaemin, y/n

i’m very disappointed in you but we’ll move on.

have a nice life

ji-ae texts and sends those words your way with hopes that you don’t show your face to jungkook or her ever again.

when you read the text, your heart breaks but you’ll do as she says and stay far away from jungkook and….and jaemin. you’ve grown to love your stepson well used to be stepson but it’s long gone now. everything is over and you’re gonna move on, for real this time.

“i’m sorry y/n” jorja says as she drives to the airport. “i thought he would understand that you were too drunk to realize what was going on but it’s okay because you’re gonna move on. WE’RE gonna move on”

yes, you and jorja both board a plane to london, far far away from the drama, from yerin, from jungkook, and from everything.

the first few weeks were very depressing and hard on your health because you were stressing so much but within 7 months, you were okay-ish.

jorja became an art teacher, you worked a great job within healthcare, and you both did a lot of activities in london.

when you felt alone, it was jorja who was there for you.

when your lupus flared up and started attacking your kidney’s, jorja donated one of her kidney’s to you.

when jorja had issues with her job, you were there for her and supported her.

when jorja had pneumonia, you were there through it all and took care of her.

you both grew really really close to one another so close that jorja might have fallen for you.

“Ma!!! I AM SO EXCITED FOR JAEMINS FIRST BIRTHDAY. IT’S FOUR MONTHS AWAY BUT STILL I’M LITERALLY TRYING TO PREPARE FOR HIS BIRTHDAY STARTING FROM NOW ON.”

It’s been somewhat OK for Jungkook, especially after your break up, maybe it’s because that Jaemin has had all of his attention on him so he hasn’t had really any time to think about you, but he still hasn’t forgotten about you I mean that’s not really possible.

He still stares at the ring sometimes, and he is thinking of selling it, just so he can get rid of the memories. Anything that belongs to you? He’s going to give it away.

And Even though his tone is a little bit cheery, but he is a little concerned for his mother’s health. “Ma are you all right? I told you we needed to stay at the hospital.” Ji-Ae has been having high fevers, and it’s started to concern Jungkook because his mother has lost a lot of weight, and he knows that she is barely getting any sleep these days.

It’s almost like déjà vu.

But he doesn’t want to think about you, “uh ma.. I was thinking that we should celebrate his first birthday and another country rather than Korea.” Jungkook fixes the blanket on his mother’s body. Jaemin is such a happy, healthy happy chubby baby. And nothing makes him more happy than to watch, colorful cartoons, and sometimes even wrestling programs with his father.

Jiae nods weakly, and it’s really really hard for him to see his mother so weak like this, “I was thinking that it should be in a country of your choice.” Jungkook bites his lower lip while, he watches Jaemin happily sitting in his bouncer.

Jiae starts to cough before she can reply to Jungkooks suggestion, “ah ah didn’t you take your medication? Don’t worry I’ll bring it right right now, so you can calm down a little..” he says, but before he can go away

He hears his mother weakly saying something. “E-England?I’ve always wanted to visit London especially.” And Jungkooks eyes light up because for the first time in months, she’s asked him for something and of course is gonna make her wish Come true.

And that is true because it’s been a few years since she visited London- and Jungkook remembers when he was a little child, his father used to take them on vacations to England quite often because it was his mother’s favorite place.

“Oooh exciting of course!!” Jungkook claps his hands. “but promise me while his birthday comes up in these four months you’re going to get treatment so you can get a little better.”

“do you promise that?”

[jodilin65]

THURSDAY, MARCH 30, 2000 I’m listening to the Titanic soundtrack as I type. So far, except for one song, it’s not all that great. It’s too classical for me. I also got a Madonna album that I had on tape that I wanted on CD and a Heart CD. This one is of them in concert and it’s pretty good.

I got up earlier today at 1:00. That’s because I fell asleep earlier last night. Was up till 5:00 instead of 7:00.

The latest battle to get the Bowflex is that they had to verify the number we gave them (what the fuck took them so long?). They say that’s the last step, but we’ll see. They claim they’re gonna ship it Monday, which means we should have it by Friday, but you know that they’ll have to call first to be led by the hand to the house cuz they’ll be too stupid to read a map and find it for themselves. Either that, or they’ll get it here OK, but the thing will be damaged or missing a part. Or maybe both of these things will happen. All I know is that it ain’t over yet. Since we can never just have something and pay for it with money, I know there’s more shit to go through to get the damn thing. Verifying a number doesn’t seem like it’d be enough in God’s eyes.

I guess we’re gearing up for a storm. It’s windy and cloudy out there, but I don’t know how much rainfall we’ll actually get. Probably not much. You usually don’t get much out here till the monsoons hit.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 29, 2000 I was going to write this during bingo intermissions, but sometimes I don’t want to be interrupted every two minutes and I just want to write straight through.

They let me sleep till 2:30 today, so maybe I can flip my schedule.

It’s so beautiful out right now, but still too warm to shut off the AC and open the windows. I wish we had a screened-in porch or even just a deck out front.

The fight for the Bowflex has officially begun. Tom called them today. They do ship UPS (and it should’ve gotten here by now) and we know they deliver out here because we’ve seen their trucks pass by, but they couldn’t check on our order because their computers were down. Yeah, I’m not the least bit surprised. With our shit luck, they’ll claim they never had an order for us when they finally do get their computers up and running.

TUESDAY, MARCH 28, 2000 Surprisingly, I got up at 11:30, even though I didn’t crash till around 5:30. I thought I’d sleep till 1:00 or 2:00, but I guess not.

The pinkies should be here by the 3rd, so about five more days to go.

Later…

Shit! They just now started up with their booming. There goes any hopes I had of flipping my schedule over and giving myself a break from the Melatonin. Not if I want to get woken up a few or more times a day. I’m just surprised they didn’t start at 9:30 and wake me up then. I knew they wouldn’t take a few months off like they did when we first bought the land and were in the trailer. Now that we’re here, they’ll never take that long off again.

Later…

Guess I was more tired than I thought. I ended up taking a three-hour nap.

I’m not as excited as I was before about the bingo games. They’re just too fixed and the odds of winning are about the same as the odds of winning millions in the state lottery. They don’t play till someone wins, either.

MONDAY, MARCH 27, 2000 I am in such a great mood! Today was just great!

First, the traffic wasn’t the nightmare it was the last time, second, the hygienist was sick, third, we saw Mom, and lastly, I found a wonderful slot machine game online to play, too. You build up tokens to turn into money. They even have real casinos online where you play with money for money.

When we got to the dentist, Trisha told me she tried to call me, and we asked her what number she had. She looked on her computer and read me the wrong number, but somebody’s got it somewhere, or else Melanie wouldn’t have called me before. Anyway, neither of us could remember the regular line’s number, so we gave her the cell number.

The doctor didn’t need to readjust my retainers, but he gave me more fluoride toothpaste at my request, and I don’t go back till June 20th.

At Mom’s, I played a little solitaire on Mary’s computer and Evelyn was baking pumpkin pie. She gave me some and said I looked like I lost a little weight and looked good. Well, these online games sure are a good way to keep my mind off of food!

We put special hinges on Mom’s bathroom door to make the door even with the wall so her walker can fit through it.

I’m writing in between games, and I love how a box pops up to tell me when the game’s started so I don’t have to keep checking.

I loved Mary’s wildflowers that she has at the side of her house. I was always hesitant about getting flowers cuz of the bees, but we’ve got enough bees as it is, so why not add a little color to the property, I said? So when we can, I want to get some flower seeds.

I don’t envy Mary for the neighbors she’s got across the street two houses or so down. They were white, and as far as I know, they are owners, but even so - there were a ton of kids and adults out playing basketball and screaming up a storm! I’d be miserable next to them. Those houses are about as old as our old one was and also have single-paned windows. At least Mary doesn’t have windows on the bedroom side of the house like ours did.

It was sooooo nice to not have to go back to that house and those Mexicans! Or blacks for that matter. Instead, I got to return to a quiet, beautiful new house!

We stopped at Circle K on the way home and again, my vibes about Jennifer being gone were reinforced by her not being there.

SUNDAY, MARCH 26, 2000 I am having sooo much fun today! Tom showed me how you can play bingo online for money. I haven’t won, naturally, but it’s fun anyway. Some games are for a few bucks, some for thousands. The only part of it that’s a bore is that they make you wait a couple of minutes or so in between games while they run their stupid commercials. I’m waiting for a game to start right now.

True to form, Paula did call this weekend, but only once. Early yesterday morning.

Also, Dan just couldn’t resist the urge to do a little engine-gunning earlier, but fortunately, it didn’t last too long.

I told Tom I wouldn’t be in the mood for sex this weekend, cuz I was bummed about Velvet’s dying. Not too bummed, though, cuz like I said, I love guinea pigs and they sound really neat, but they don’t do anything.

Back again. Got 2 minutes and 37 seconds before the next game starts. As I was saying, GPs just don’t do anything. They don’t have colorful tubes to run through, no wheels to run on, and they don’t run around and explore.

Butter Rum is definitely pregnant, and I think Oreo is, too. Butter Rum’s further along.

I made poor Tom move the den chair into the living room, but it looked stupid there, so the poor guy hauled it back into the den. Yes, having the chair out of the den really does open that room up and make it look bigger, but I like the chair in there better, cuz where I had it, separated that room from the kitchen. Without it there, the den and kitchen sort of blended in with each other.

Later…

Tomorrow’s my appointment to have my teeth cleaned, as well as to have the retainers adjusted, although this time around, they’re still fitting pretty snugly. Anyway, I am not looking forward to this appointment! I know I’m gonna have a ton of cavities!

It’s been two or three weeks now since there’s been peace up in the sky, and God do I pray for just one more week! I need to flip my schedule once and for all to reset it, and I need to take a break from the Melatonin. I’m becoming immune to it and it’s just not working like it used to. Tonight, so I can get to sleep sooner than 4:00 or 5:00, I’ll take a Benadryl. That should work. It’s just that I don’t want to risk staying up till 5:00, then being boomed awake at 9:30, if they’re gonna be flying again, on the day I have a long appointment. After the appointment, we’ll probably swing by to see Mom, who’s just a few minutes away.

FRIDAY, MARCH 24, 2000 Last night I told Tom about the critter I saw and he said it wasn’t a gopher, which is ugly. He said it’s a kangaroo rat, a desert animal I’ve never heard of before, and he showed me a picture of it online. They need almost no water to survive and basically live off of seeds.

Today, we went out and I showed him the hole where she lives and saw that she’d eaten the food I left her. I sprinkled some more of the animal’s food out for her, then we went back into the house. A few minutes later, we saw her running around. She almost came right up to the house. She came as close as the wash and Tom took a picture. It’s very hard to see any detail, but it’s the best picture yet. She’s a cutie, but not as cute as a regular rat. She doesn’t have the pointy nose that rats and mice have. Her head is a lot like a squirrel’s. She’s got a blunt nose like a squirrel and a guinea pig, and the tail isn’t like a rat’s. Rat’s tails are snake-like, but her tail is broad and flat. Tom said he isn’t sure, but it could be a type of groundhog, although definitely not a gopher. Even so, I’m still calling her Gophie.

This weekend I’m just gonna go ahead and talk to Paula when she calls, and she will call. The message I left her about calling on the 1st of every month is no doubt going to go in one ear and out the other. I left her a message last week, in case I forgot to say so, telling her we were getting a long-distance block put on so she won’t keep pestering me with her “call me” messages. I dropped hints, reminding her not to lose her phone and spend too much money if she’s expecting a pay cut, but we’ll see. I think she’s just gonna keep on ringing up her bill till she loses the phone. I’m amazed at how long it takes her to lose her phone each time around, though, cuz I know I’m not the only one she calls that’s long-distance, and if she’s really looking at only getting $600 a month, then she’ll have no choice but to cut her calls back. God tends to pamper these kinds of people, though. Meaning, I highly doubt, if she really gets cut back that much, that she’ll supplement herself by working. She’ll just have welfare make up the difference, and they’ll be glad to do it, too. As soon as they see someone with a kid come in there, they’re ready to hand out the world to them.

Later…

Still no sign of my outdoor friend. The food’s still out there, too. Maybe she really doesn’t live in the hole I thought she lived in. Anyway, rodents are more active at night. That’s when the food will get eaten, I’m sure.

In my final letter to Dureen and Art, I told them Mom moved in with a cousin cuz her daughter’s having health problems, and that I’d instructed all my relatives out here not to give them any info if they called. What I’m curious to see, though, is if Dureen will have the nerve to knowingly go against my wishes, just like she loves to do, and still send Mom a Christmas card to Mary’s house. See, I know she couldn't care less about Mom and sending her cards. She doesn’t send Tom cards, so why would she care more about her than Tom? It’s all to spite me. That’s all it is.

I have such mixed emotions about Tom. I always have and I know I always will. He’s given me so much, yet he’s taken so much, too. He’s given me a home, security, and the chance to do things I couldn’t do on my own. At the same time, I’ve given up a kid for him, I’ve given up the way I normally deal with those that fuck with me (neighbors/contractors), I’ve changed my clothing style for him, etc. Not that I can ever see myself returning to wanting a child (God, I hope not!) or that God would allow it, and not that I still have the body for the clothes I used to wear, but still, I feel like he’s robbed me of opportunities as well as brought me opportunities.

Later…

Wow! Last year it took me 117 pages to get from the New Year up to today’s date, and just 71 pages this year. There hasn’t been as much to write about since getting in the house, and there are certainly no Mexicans a few feet away to give spy reports on!

What a bummer to know that the freeloaders never read my mail. I highly doubt they’d read it before giving it to the cops. This must mean Larry never read my mail either, despite the bluff. And why would he? I wouldn’t read mail from him. If I got mail from him, I’d put it in the trash to be burned as soon as I knew it was from him, without reading a word. And his saying he sent copies to all kinds of people wouldn’t catch my interest either, cuz I wouldn’t care. Someone could send every single human being in this world a letter saying I’m a crazy asshole for all I care.

It’s no wonder Tom’s as tense and as serious as he is easygoing and relaxed. He is soooo neighbor-conscious! He totally regretted saying this to me cuz of how mad I got, but he told me to shut my office window if I was going to blast my music. He said he knows how much I hate it when others blast their music with the window open, and he certainly wouldn’t want to do things to others that he didn’t like done to him. First of all, when Dan blasts his music, it’s not through an open window. He’s taken the speakers outside. Also, I reminded him that if he wants to be all neighbor-paranoid, worship the ground they walk on, kiss their asses, cater to what he thinks they want, have his life revolve around them, and think the world of their opinions and feelings - fine. But that’s him and not me. I have no more respect for neighbors than they’ve had for me. I don’t give a shit if they can hear me in any way or what they think. As far as I’m concerned, I have no neighbors. They just don’t exist for me anymore. And if he’s so worried about what neighbors think, why is the property still trashed? He’s sending a message saying we’re slobs, which I think would make him want to cry. Or is he just rebelling against me? Is he trashing the outside because I demanded that he not trash the inside? Anyway, I’ll be damned if he’ll control me any more than he already has and try to make me into him. He’s not taking/changing another goddamn thing about me.

The ballerina doll I got at the casino never came with a stand, so I put one of the Giselle dolls stand on a 17” doll, and used that doll’s stand for this doll, which is a 14”. I’m glad I got that second Giselle doll, cuz I really fucked the first one up.

THURSDAY, MARCH 23, 2000 Last night it looked like the pig was dying, all thanks to me and my carelessness. Apparently, the bottle he had broke and he couldn’t get any water for God knows how many days, so he was weak and dehydrated. I put a different bottle in, but that one leaked, so now he’s back to a bowl, and I managed to get some water into him. I think he’ll be okay, although I have mixed emotions about that. Perhaps this is really mean of me, but sometimes I wish he didn’t exist. I’m kind of sick of guinea pigs these days, and he’s so lazy. All he does is sit there, taking up space and making more work for me.

Tom woke up really early yesterday at around 7:00, which left him five hours before he had to go to work. At one point I told him I knew having sex 2-3 times a week was overwhelming for him but did he want to screw tonight anyway? I feel obligated to offer, I guess. Sure enough, he flashed that amused grin. That pleased kind of grin that says, I was hoping you’d ask so I could tease you by turning you down (believe me, though. I wouldn’t feel teased). He didn’t quite turn me down, though. Although I figured he wasn’t in the mood to screw till the weekend, he suggested he go down on me. I forgot that a few days ago I had made a comment about getting off sometime soon as part of my let’s-give-Tom-a-taste-of-his-own-medicine routine. I figured if he was gonna lie and play games, so was I. It gets weird, though. The idea was to tell him I’d cum and make sure I didn’t. However, it felt so good that I wanted to cum, but couldn’t! There’s a simple explanation for it, though. I took care of myself earlier, not expecting him to go down on me. He insisted it was cuz he was out of practice, but he did a fine job.

Lately, I feel like he’s trying to face what he’s done to me over the years in his own way, not that he’ll change by asking that we use birth control or by cumming and not worrying about what risks it may hold. But in his own way, he does feel bad. He’s told me he feels bad and always will, but I know it’s worth it to him. He’d rather feel bad about it, then try to change it. Another thing that tells me he’s trying to own up to his bullshitting me over the years, is the fact that he’s done nothing to deny the things I’ve said lately, like how he never wanted a kid, etc. It’s like he’s quit denying it. Maybe that’s the best he can do to fess up to what he’s done because I sure as hell can’t imagine him ever coming out and bluntly admitting I was right about him and his fears all along. He’s too stubborn for that.

Tom’s gonna put in a sell order to sell some stock to pay bills with. Right now we’re pretty current, but he said we could fall behind.

Dan, Dennis, and Steven! I want to fucking smack you! They’re still affecting our lives! Fucking mother-fucking cocks! When that cock brother of mine had a plaque made up dedicating his business to Larry, one of the lines was: always with you, always with me. I could have it backward, but anyway, when I first read that in a picture Dureen sent me, the first thing that came to mind was - my God! That’s exactly how I feel about the freeloaders. They’re always with me and I’m always with them. Like it or not. I lived to get away from them or for them to get away from me. Well, this is how I feel about these cocks, too. We may not be fighting on the phone with them every day, pleading for them to do their fucking jobs, but even so, they’re still affecting us and they’re still a part of our lives. They’re always with us and we’re always with them. Maybe someday – someday - preferably this year, God will free us and our finances from these degenerate fucks.

Speaking of the freeloaders, I still have dreams about them every now and then, but it’s fine. As long as they’re not a few feet away from me, it’s fine. In the dream, we were still neighbors and we were getting ready to move in a couple of weeks. I was ignoring them and their shit, letting them wonder why they weren’t getting a reaction from me over the music since I knew we were moving anyway.

Yes, those blacks, and the Mexicans as well, will always be with me whether or not I’m always with them. I mean, how could I forget these assholes and the stress, anger, frustration, and hell they inflicted upon me for years and then months? At least now they’re a part of my life in my memory only. I can remember them and be sooo grateful to be free of them and their shit.

I’m utterly stunned how Mr. Bias actually kept his word and dropped it the day they wasted their time dragging me down there to discuss shit they could’ve discussed here. I really thought they were gonna subpoena me. Wow! A cop that doesn’t lie! Hmm… I’m also shocked that these people didn’t send us mail through our old address. Especially the blacks. Yes, people do have the nerve to do that. They would commit the same crime against you they’re accusing you of. I remember how Fran actually had the nerve to bring me up on prank phone call charges while he was doing the same thing to me, till I talked him into dropping the charges. Oh, the winners I used to be dumb enough to associate with!

Later…

I was sitting by my open office window when I heard this metallic-sounding hammering. I thought maybe someone had the nerve to be trying to pry the lock off the shed, but when I went outside I could tell it was coming from a neighboring property, probably next door. They may have resumed their building project. Having no buildings or hills between the houses makes sounds appear closer than they actually are. What was so cool was that I couldn’t hear a damn thing with the window shut. That wouldn’t be the case in Phoenix! When there was hammering next door, I heard it loud and clear, even over fans and music.

I may have a new wild animal friend, but I won’t count on it yet. I spotted her about 30 feet from the office window. She was gray and about the size of the rats. At first I thought it could be a baby jackrabbit till I saw its head was shaped like a squirrel and it had a tail similar to a rat’s tail. At least I think it did. I think it was a gopher. Anyway, it looks like she’s living in a hole by this bush that’s near where I spotted her. I went out and left some lettuce around the hole and a short while later I saw her out again. I went out the front door, saw her leap into the hole, then I placed a carrot and some regular food by the hole. Tomorrow I’ll go see if it’s gone. Hopefully, I’ll see Gophie, as I refer to her, again tomorrow.

I tried to take a picture, but she was too far and too small. I even went online to see if I could find a picture of a gopher, but couldn’t. I ended up reading up on a variety of rodents. I like how they say hamsters are antisocial and possibly evil. They rate mice as sociable but say the males fight. They rate rats as social, friendly, and very intelligent. One rat owner said they loved rats and how they chase strings, come when called (sometimes), and really enjoy human company.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 22, 2000 Amazingly, I still haven’t heard from the boomers in the sky. I’ve been sleeping just fine. Maybe they’re on break or something. This peace can’t last forever, though.

Yesterday turned out to be quite a rough day. My allergies just wouldn’t quit. On and on went the sneezing and the runny nose. Obviously, I’m gonna have these vicious allergy attacks every few weeks or so and there’s nothing I can do about them but just live with them. It’s better than deadly asthma attacks.

Tom picked out a portfolio organizer from a catalog for being at the bank for five years.

Later…

Just got our third sales call of the week. It was the Arizona Republic calling. By June we’ll be back to getting several calls a day and I’ll have to turn the ringer off. I could tell it was automated too, cuz of the delay between when I picked up and when the person started talking. I told them not to call again, but I’m sure they will after a few days. And the thing is that they never remove numbers from their system, and also, they give it out to their friends so they can put your number in their system, too. It’s like a mailing list, only it’s with the phone. Now that someone knows someone lives at this number, more people will be given the number. If the Phoenix number is still out of service, it’s still being called many times a day. Once it does get reissued, I sure feel sorry for whoever gets the number.

I still haven’t heard from the people in the sky. I don’t know what’s up with that. I still don’t know why we didn’t hear from them during October, November, and December.

Once I get my book done and out to some publishers, this will be a real test of God. This will tell me if he’s all about stopping me from doing things I wanted to that I couldn’t handle, or if he’s about stopping me from doing anything I want to do. Period.

Soon, Tammy, Dureen, and Art will hear from me one last time. Along with sending the pictures, I will make myself clear as to why I don’t want any contact for the last time, simply because I like to express myself and not because I feel I owe them an explanation. I don’t owe these people shit, and except for Lisa, I don’t regret dumping them. I never felt better. I only wish I’d done it sooner. I can’t stand these people. I just can’t stand them. And I can’t associate with Lisa and have to be reminded of these sick fucks whenever we talk. I don’t want to know Bill, Larry, Tammy, Dureen or Art exist, other than to send them this final piece of mail. I never again want to be a part of their abuse and tall tales. I could never again associate with such dishonest control freaks like Dureen and Art, nor Larry with the way he tried to take over the family’s affairs and with the way he and his folks ganged up against Tammy. Yes, Tammy’s a shit parent, but Larry didn’t just want Lisa for the sake of getting her away from Tammy. He wanted to replace his son and to spite Tammy. And I could never again associate with Tammy and her bullshit either. She lies, exaggerates, and is the moodiest hypochondriac I know.

If I crossed paths with most people that have burned me in the past, I wouldn’t even pay them the time of day, but these people have fucked me up and over so badly for so long, that I still burn with rage at the mere thought of them, and if I ever saw Bill, Larry or Ronnie - I’d beat them beyond recognition in a heartbeat. I hate bully cocks like them that think they’re oh so tough! There’s nothing I’d get off more on than to show these “big tough men” that no, they can’t hit everybody and no, they can’t beat everybody. Some people, including women, could kick the shit out of them and that includes me. I have the rage to do it and do it well. I know I could. I’d bet my dolls on it. In this day and age, they’d never stand a chance against me. Hell, I could take them all on at once with one arm tied behind my back, and oh how I wish I could be the one to teach these little fucks a valuable lesson about what happens when the wrong person is hit/fucked over by them. I’d make them so terrified to even think of fucking with anyone the way Ronnie used to shove me around and the way Bill’s hit Lisa.

Oddly enough, though, I don’t feel extreme rage when it comes to my folks, even though they abused me both physically and mentally more than anyone else ever has. Maybe it’s because of their age. Or maybe it’s because I know that Larry, Bill and Ronnie would be more of a challenge for me, even if I know I could kick the shit out of them easily enough. Meaning that although I know I could beat them all, I could beat my parents with just one punch. The others would take four or five punches. Maybe it’s that. I don’t know. I just know that if I could change two things in my life, I’d erase the resentment I feel towards Tom for lying to me about the kid, and I’d erase my anger towards these people back east and just forget about them. Literally, forget them.

Below are excerpts from my letters.

To the shit sister:

The biggest thing about you that really made my blood boil was how you let Bill go on abusing you and Lisa for years before you finally put your foot down, even if it was in a half-assed kind of way since you do allow Bill access to your kids. Even you yourself admitted that you were miserable for years and wouldn’t address it. I don’t need experience as a parent to know that your job as a parent was/is to protect your kids from abuse, and you DIDN’T! There’s absolutely no excuse for your letting his shit go on like that. Using your childhood is a lame, pitiful excuse, too. You should’ve kicked his ass and thrown him out the first time he laid a hand on her and you should’ve made it the last time he laid a hand on her. Sometimes two wrongs do make a right and sometimes you do have to literally fight for justice. Turning the other cheek doesn’t always work. These violent people need to be shown that if they hurt someone, someone’s gonna hurt them. Instead, you sent this pitiful excuse of a person the wrong message. You might as well have had a big sign made up saying: beat my daughter Bill. I’ll let you get away with it with no taste of your own medicine to come. Like I said, you should’ve kicked his ass, and if you couldn’t do it with your bare hands, you should’ve used a weapon which could’ve and would’ve been justified to the cops - he attacked my daughter and I did what I had to do to get him away from her. Violent people like Bill can’t be helped or changed and yes, someday he’s gonna hit the wrong person who’s gonna make him be afraid to even think of hitting another person (if he lives) but you should’ve been the one to teach him his lesson. If we had had kids and if Tom had ever laid a hand on them, I’d beat him beyond recognition as would be my duty as a parent and I’d never let him near me or my kids again, and I don’t care what the courts said. And you were worried about how I’d be as a parent in the past. Well, obviously all your worries over me were just a cover for your own worries, doubts and failures as a parent, huh? Well, rest assured - I wouldn’t have been a perfect parent who never made mistakes, but I wouldn’t have let my husband beat her year after year either! It’s not your fault Bill’s the way he is, and it’s not your fault that our pitiful excuse of a court system is as fucked up as it is, but that’s all the more reason why we need to take responsibility. What I mean by putting your foot down in a half-assed kind of way was that you should’ve ignored the courts and not let Bill near the kids, even if that meant you had to run and hide. If the courts won’t do their job, then we the people need to do it for them and pick up where they left off. If the courts told you to kill your kids and then yourself, would you do it? And what are you? Attracted to aggressive, abusive, violent men? Where’s your self-respect, girl? I see a nasty pattern here. Dick was violent, Joe was violent, and Bill was. Is Mark gonna hit you and the kids too? And if so, how many years is it gonna take for you to fight back? Well, we can’t undo the mistakes we’ve made in the past, and we all make them. All we can do is learn from our mistakes. Next time a man lays a hand on you or the kids - make him sorry, show him it’s a definite no-no, have self-respect and respect for your kids, and get rid of him! And Tam, I’m sorry if what I just said sounded cruel, but it’s the truth!

To the shit excuse for parents:

I can’t lie to you folks and tell you when or if you’ll ever hear from me again. You could hear from me again in a few months, a few years, or never. I just don’t know. I certainly couldn’t call you and resume a relationship with you if I couldn’t be accepted as I am and cuz I just couldn’t trust you. Not after you’ve broken your word to me a zillion times. You can’t keep personal and private stuff between us. Or any disagreements we have. It was fine when you’d tell people things like “Jodi and Tom went to Vegas,” or “Jodi likes to sing and her nickname’s Mystery,” but to tell them “I’m sick of hearing about the same things and things I can’t relate to. I don’t give a damn if she can’t get pregnant. That’s her problem, I have no empathy for her, and I’m sick of hearing it” is wrong. I can see if you had simply told people that we had a disagreement, but to get into details, half of which you made up along the way, was wrong. Our conflicts were never Marty and Ruth’s business, Larry’s business, or your friend’s business, either. They should’ve been kept between us. If I wanted them to know certain things, I’d tell them myself. Hell, you told the whole town of Longmeadow I jumped. You made me feel like it was more important for you to get sympathy than to protect my privacy. And the fictitious story about me chasing you, Doe, with a hammer (or was it a knife?) When I was somewhere between 15-20 was ludicrous. You had so many people scared to death of me for no reason. No one needs to be or should be afraid of me unless they try to harm me or my husband. Anyway, I already made my feelings clear, and if you read them and if you understood a word I said, you’d know how I felt. In the long run, though, it really doesn’t matter one way or the other what you do or don’t understand or agree with me on because as long as we don’t resume the relationship we had in the past, we won’t clash with each other.

Later…

Tom left a note saying to wake him up at 9:00. So early? Does this mean we’re gonna get together tonight? And are we back to having sex 2-3 times a week? Gee, I can’t wait!

I can’t help but have conflicting emotions about his not cumming, just as I do about God’s deciding to take my reproductive system into his hands and make my decisions for me regarding that.

I don’t want a kid, but I resent God for robbing me of my choice.

I don’t want a kid, but I resent Tom for robbing me of a normal sex life.

Until a professional told him there was nothing that could be done and it was truly out of his control, I’ll never forgive him for denying me his cum, so to speak, when I did want a kid. And he makes me feel like such a cursed freak, too. I’ve never heard of anyone like him. I swear he’s the only one in this world like he is. I know I’m right, just as I have been so far, about his not wanting a kid and that that’s the basis for his not cumming. And I know he’ll never go to a doctor about it. If it were up to him, he’d never discuss the issues of cumming or kids again in his life. But what I still don’t get to this day, is why go to such extremes to see that he doesn’t become the father he never wanted to be and still doesn’t want to be. The only reason I can think of is that he knew I wanted a kid when we met and just didn’t have the heart to tell me he didn’t want that and therefore insisted we use birth control. I think his refusal to cum became a habit he can’t break. Or can rarely break. I’m sure that long after menopause, he still won’t cum. He’s too used to the way he is and too pleased with it. He obviously wants to be the way he is, whether or not there is a pregnancy risk. I can tell by how comfortable he is with the way he is. How many guys are like him, and can’t help it, and are happy with it? No one! Just him. I tell you, there’s no such thing as a case like he’s got. Not medically, anyway. His situation just doesn’t exist. You either can’t get hard to begin with, or you can, and you can cum just fine. No one gets hard but can’t cum. The question is - am I really the only one with a guy who can get hard, but won’t cum?

Anyway, I just try not to think of it, and all the ways God and other people have made my decisions for me or controlled me in any way. I’ve never been with anyone that was remotely normal in bed and I never would be if I went through a zillion more people, be it women or guys. I also never had a say in my reproductive system and I never will. God put the lock and chains on that the day I was born and declared it off-limits to me. All I can do is just live with these facts. They cannot be changed, and even if they could be, I don’t know that I’d want to change them. Not just because my heart is no longer in changing them, but because of my fear of God’s retaliation against me for going against his wishes for me. If there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s never to mess with God!

TUESDAY, MARCH 21, 2000 Just fired up my computer to cover today’s events, then I’m going to listen to music, maybe sing a little, then hopefully I’ll crash. Benadryl ought to help with that. Yeah, my allergies have been going berserk. Tom says he feels bad that he took me out on such a windy day, but it started before we went out. I think the dust in Mary’s house contributed more to it in the end than the wind did. She only cleans once a year at Christmas time. And when she cleans, I think that only means neatening things up, or rearranging them and lessening some of the clutter. Not dusting and vacuuming. I doubt she even owns a vacuum.

Driving through that horrendous city sure brings out the rage in me, but first, we enjoyed seeing Mom. Evelyn wasn’t there when we arrived because she had to go to the dentist. We showed Mom the pictures we burned on the disk we brought her, and Tom set about to connect their two computers, but Mary didn’t leave the stuff he needed. I guess she hadn’t gotten the parts yet, cuz something came up.

Mary, who came in about a half-hour before we left, saw the pictures, too.

I played around with their electric dartboard and saw their new birds. They have a blue parakeet like the one we had and a green one. One of them has a really nice cage.

Dave came in on our way out, so we quickly said hello to him, then headed for the grocery store which was a circus and a half. It took us forever at the check-out, thanks to the slow, stupid Mexican at the register. Non-whites were plentiful compared to the whites, which now seem to be the minority. The blacks and Mexicans totally ran the whites out, or so it seems. They help to run us out.

After the grocery store, Tom ran into Staples, but as I figured, they didn’t have ink refills for my kind of printer, so he’s going to order them online. I’m sure I’ll have to remind him and push him to do it a dozen times before he finally does.

Anyway, as I’ve said before, one of the things I hate about driving in the city isn’t just all its traffic and construction, it’s the fucking assholes that creep! No one can drive the speed limit in Arizona, I swear! Not even in Lavene, a tiny scum town just outside of Phoenix. It’s either a poor Indian tribe town that hasn’t made money with casinos or a Mexican town. Either way, like most scum towns, it ain’t white. Anyway, this couple in front of us had us dragging at fucking 15 miles below the speed limit for miles. When we finally got the chance to pass them, I fingered them out of frustration and Tom blew a fuse over it, getting all paranoid about getting shot for it, etc. I’m not saying this world isn’t full of sensitive poor losers, but what are the odds of that, huh? If we all went around shooting those who flipped us off, gave us dirty looks, or swore at us, there’d be none of us left. I told him I’d keep my fingers down from here on out, but I’ll be damned if I’ll kiss society’s ass and not vent my anger and frustration when I want to. I’m not gonna live walking on eggshells because of society’s poor precious sensitive little feelings. If they can’t handle the things I say and do - tough shit. If you can’t handle a finger or two, you’ll never make it in this world and you don’t belong in this world in the first place. You piss me off, you’ll hear from me about it, and if you can’t deal with it - that’s your problem.

SUNDAY, MARCH 19, 2000 Another quiet, stress-free, peaceful weekend. How many cars were next door at the Mexicans this weekend? Hmm…Ten? Twenty? Fifty? Hee, hee! Well, they didn’t have anything to do with my life!! Not the quiet blue-green pickup, nor the bass-banging Ranchero!!!

My pee is green. I’m pretty sure it’s cuz of the water pills I’ve been taking, cuz the further away I get from taking one, the clearer my pee is. It’s turned out to be more of a help than I thought it would be when it comes to losing excess water, although it doesn’t do shit for pre-period boob soreness. Even more amazing - I woke up at 121 pounds today, but have done nothing lately to lose weight. Again, could it be connected to these water pills? I’d guess so.

We screwed today and he let himself in there again. I was surprised.

He installed a picture viewer on my computer and it’s great. It allows me to sift through them faster. We can’t bring the screensavers to Mom tomorrow because we need to find certain files to make them run on their computer. We are going to bring them a CD of pictures, though.

Scuttles was so funny earlier. Even Tom’s amused by the rat’s behavior. Ratsy was out chasing me again, along with Scuttles, and they both were chasing this strip of paper I’d dangle in front of them like a kitten would. It was so cute.

SATURDAY, MARCH 18, 2000 Getting pretty hot out there! We were outside (he still is) and I cut up some boxes for burning.

As expected, he’s shown no desire for sex. I knew that having sex like we did 2-3 times a week wouldn’t last long. I knew he’d get sick of it. Personally, I think it was all a show. I mean, I think he thought he could tease me big time by thinking we’d have full-time sex regularly, then bye-bye full-time sex and hello to part-time sex once again. Little does he know he didn’t get the bummed out feeling he no doubt hoped I’d get. I’m ever so grateful to be back to the part-time sex. I have no appetite myself. It’s just old and predictable, and it bores me to tears. It’s hard to get turned on by him when I know he isn’t all that turned on by me. I just can’t do the one-sided sex like I used to be able to. He also says he’s worried about having grocery money for the next two weeks. Well, he’s 40 pounds overweight and I’m 20 pounds overweight. I don’t think it’ll kill us to cut back on food for a couple of weeks, but like I said, he’s just looking for excuses. I told you that if we had more time there’d be some other problem and there is. And once we’re doing better financially, he’ll be sick or sore more often. And like I also said, it’s OK if we have part-time, cumless sex. I just hate the lies and excuses. It’s OK that I can’t have a kid cuz I don’t want the burden and responsibility that’d bring, but at the same time, I still resent him for taking away my chance to find out if I could’ve conceived naturally. Because of this stubborn, controlling, scaredy-cat, along with the help of God, I’ll never know for sure. Just have vibes. My woman’s intuition tells me no, I wouldn’t conceive even if he squirted regularly. I’ve sensed long before I ever met Tom that I couldn’t conceive, and I didn’t with the stupid shits I did it with back east.

Paula left a message at 5 AM our time. I guess she’s calling on weekends now. I wish she’d call more like once every month or two, but at least she’s not bugging me several times a day like Andy used to. I don’t miss the long, boring phone calls with Andy. It’s not that he never had anything interesting to say, I just don’t miss his selfishness and his only coming over when he wanted something. Andy was a pest and a half.

Later…

Tom and I watched The Others live. I’m amazed they haven’t had an episode yet with childbirth in it.

Didn’t hear from Dan yesterday or today. I’m amazed at that, too.

Played with Scuttles on and off and now I’m making Tom and I a baked potato.

FRIDAY, MARCH 17, 2000 Not much to update on. No booms today and no Dan yesterday. That doesn’t mean I won’t hear from Dan tonight, though. It’s still early enough. If he does bug me, I’ll just throw my music on.

We’re going over to Mom’s on Monday to do some computer work for Mary and to visit her. We’ll go before Mary and Dave get home. That way the dog will be outside barking its ass off, and not inside to scare the shit out of me. I pity Mary’s neighbors if they hate barking like I do.

I made them screensavers, as I mentioned before, which Tom says they can’t wait to see. Tom also decided he wanted to make them a digital photo album on a CD, so I picked out about 110 pictures of us and things associated with us, like pictures of the land and pets.

THURSDAY, MARCH 16, 2000 Well, they found us. Yeah, we just got our first sales call. When the phone rang I saw it said “out of area,” and because of that and the fact that they left no message, it had to be sales. Another six months to a year and we’ll be back to getting many calls a day. I doubt the call was from the Bowflex people, cuz if they were calling, it’d be because they had something important to either tell us or ask us, and therefore, they’d leave a message, I’d think. Tom said we could expect it in a week, but no way. Money’s never enough, in God’s eyes, when it comes to us getting things. I know there’s gotta be a big song and dance and a big fucking deal involved in getting it. Us getting anything like that always takes a fight, and of course, when it does get here, there’ll be some problem. Something will be damaged or missing.

No booms in the sky today, but I’m sure I’ll be hearing from Dan any moment now. His prime time is in the early evening when he knows most people are more likely to be home. I’m surprised he’s been as quiet as he has been the last few weekends.

Tom got the animals the biggest bail of sawdust I’ve ever seen. It’s got to be a 50-pound bag.

I’ve also never seen an animal love me as much as Scuttles does, and I’d have to say I haven’t loved any animal as much as I love him. He’s so cute, loving and playful. At one point, while Tom and I were sitting on the couch with him, I had to get up for ibuprofen for a headache. After I did, Scuttles jumped down off the couch to follow me.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 15, 2000 They’re booming around up there again. At least they let me sleep till 10:30 when the alarm went off. I got up right before Tom came in with my coffee. I had him get me some since he was planning on stopping at Circle K, anyway. They didn’t have the white chocolate caramel I love so much, so he got the flavor they replaced it with - chocolate mint. Boring.

It is with utter shock and amazement that I can say I finally received Paula’s pictures! She really wasn’t putting me on. If I didn’t know any better, I wouldn’t know it was her, cuz half her face is covered with sunglasses. But knowing it’s her, and looking at the slight cleft in her chin and the shape of her lips, I can see it’s her. They were taken down in Florida. She’s smiling and waving in one picture, against a grassy and pine-treed background, wearing a black, sleeveless shirt or dress with what appears to be a pink bikini top underneath. The other one, the one I like best, she’s not smiling and is holding a small clump of pink flowers. She’s wearing the same thing in this one too, but has a better background cuz there are palm trees behind her. Her hair appeared to be pulled back and was obviously dyed a deep, coppery red.

Now if only I could get a picture of her from a decade ago with her long brown hair! And no sunglasses to hide half of her face!

Tom said that yesterday, he saw that snake in the same spot. He said he couldn’t tell if it was dead or not, but it probably got run over.

I don’t know if I mentioned this yet, but a foul smell would occur and disappear in the second bath for a week or two. We’re not sure what it was, but lately, we haven’t smelled it.

Freddie’s been having no trouble climbing up and down. I haven’t actually seen him screwing any of the ladies, but I hope he has and got a litter or two started.

Speaking of screwing, I’m to get Tom up at 8:00 so we can “try” to screw. Oh, God! I am not looking forward to this shit. I know he’s not going to go in me. In fact, I’ve even stopped using KY.

Later…

Dan’s on my case again, distracting and annoying the fuck out of me with the engine-gunning. What are we gonna do with you, Dan? Huh? Just what are we gonna do with you? God, get this fucker out of this state! Next door is a dream come true; I don’t know they exist. Same with the renters (so far) yet every day, be it for a sec or hours, I’m always reminded of Dan’s existence. It may be better than having a pack of loud and lazy freeloaders on my shoulder, but still, I don’t like it. I wish he’d just shut the fuck up. Having no mountain, hill, or wall between us and this cock is a factor in letting the sound hit the house so easily, just as it would be if we had a wall that was too close to the house, but he’s got some monster of an engine in at least one of his trucks. Totally the kind a desperado would have. Yeah, well I’m sick of hearing it. I’d like to see this little fuck give me one week, just one week, off from the fucking shit he’s been pulling, so obviously trying to get anyone’s attention.

Later…

What a big mistake, not using the KY, although I naturally lubed up in just a minute or two. He stayed hard and went in there, but it goes without saying that he wouldn’t let himself cum. I’m kind of surprised. I started to really wonder if our sex life was over. We’re not any richer, so I’m sure it’s because I’m getting closer to my period and less likely to conceive, not that I could anyway. I swear, though, he acts like an old man at times in bed. After just a minute or two on top, he plopped down on the bed as if he’d just run ten miles. He also seemed suddenly to be depressed, but he didn’t say anything.

TUESDAY, MARCH 14, 2000 Another quiet spell in the sky lately. I thought for sure that they’d wake me up around 9:30 yesterday and today, but I haven’t heard a thing. Yeah, but how long will it last? Just this week, I’m sure. By next week, they’ll be booming by regularly, waking me up. I still can’t seem to get up as early as I’d like to. I’ve been getting up around 10:30 but would prefer to get up at 9:00.

Later…

Tom’s home now. He stopped at his mom’s. Her blood sugar is too low. Nora, Ray and Jennifer were there and he says that Nora and Ray looked 100 years old. Ray has liver disease and Nora recently had a mild heart attack. Jennifer’s the opposite of what she used to be, from what Tom told me. Instead of being the boisterous loud-mouthed brat she used to be, she was rather subdued.

Anyway, after we chatted, he went out to burn some trash, and now he’s unwinding for bed.

When we were chatting, we were discussing how this house was built. I guess I misunderstood some of the details and got some of them wrong, so let me run through it again for the record. It takes 3-4 days to build this house. First they build a metal frame which they then build the house on. After the frame is made, they lay down the floor and run the plumbing underneath. Then they do the electrical, windows, walls, cabinets and doors. I’m not sure if the inside wall boards go in before or after the roof is put on, but anyway, after it’s painted, on goes the roof. It was cool to see them put a roof on a different house when we were there (they work on several houses at once). The roof is suspended on a crane that moves and places it on top of the house after its paint dries. Then they paint the exterior and roll the house through on conveyor belts to where they put its axles and wheels on. When we saw our house, it had plumbing, walls and floors, but no windows, doors, or cabinets, and some electrical. It wasn’t even painted.

MONDAY, MARCH 13, 2000 As planned, we got that male mouse we wanted at the same place we got Scuttles at. We were shocked to see that they had a huge cage with so many breeds of rodents living together in it. They had hamsters, gerbils, mice, and a guinea pig that squeaked bloody murder. I don’t know how these gerbils and hamsters get along when Teddy Bear and Gizzy didn’t. Maybe it’s because these were raised together. There were no rats or ferrets there. I’m not surprised, since rats and ferrets are the most aggressive of the rodents, although hamsters aren’t always sweethearts themselves. They also had some fancy mice that were alone in their own cage. They didn’t have nearly the number of rats this time around, and they had both pet rats and fancy rats, according to their sign. Pet rats don’t get as big as fancy rats, though they’re all pets. I was glad that none of the rats really appealed to me, because giving my attention to the two I’ve got is enough. When one of them dies, I’ll get another rat or two.

Anyway, we got some crinkle paper in a box for them to nest in, which was cheaper than the mall where Tom used to get them. Also, the fancy mice were on sale, so we paid just $3 for Freddie. Freddie’s as tame and lovable as all fancy mice are, walking up and down my arm. I already took his picture. He’s a cross between brown and gold. He’s pretty much what I was hoping to find. I wanted something different than the gold mouse and the black and white mouse I’ve got, for more color variety for breeding. It’ll be interesting to see what colors and markings they create. He’s definitely a male, too. They didn’t fuck up on his sex. You can see the two little balls very easily.

Last night I wish I had videotaped the rats. Scuttles was out playing with me, jumping and climbing all over me, but you should’ve seen Ratsy! He was chasing me and play-nipping me like a cat! He’d chase the hem of my nightie as I rolled on the floor.

Our only other stop was for coffee and soda at Circle K. Although it was only first shift when we got there, I got the immediate feeling that Jennifer no longer works there. Just a vibe I got, but we’ll see if I ever see her again.

Once we got a couple of miles or so from our house, there sure was a cool sight waiting for us in the middle of the road. I saw, from just two feet away, a diamondback rattlesnake, which is now coming out of hibernation. It moved off towards the side of the road and watched us. It was coiled up defensively, ready to strike if need be, but I guess he knew deep down that we weren’t gonna get him, cuz he didn’t even shake his rattle. Not even when I threw an empty Tic Tac box out at him. It landed an inch in front of him, but he gave no reaction. Just continued to sit there and watch us. Snakes, tarantulas, lizards, coyotes, jackrabbits, and roadrunners are what you mostly see out here. Anyway, we almost ran over the snake, and I wanted to see one of these up close so Tom backed up, careful not to run it over, and we checked him out for a while. Tom said they can only strike half of their body length. This one was about 4 feet long. They’re really cool looking, but I wouldn’t want a pet snake. I wouldn’t fancy the idea of having to feed them live rodents, which is what they eat. Also, I like smart, entertaining pets like rats. The rats interact with people just like puppies and kittens do. Even someone who hated rats couldn’t deny they’re cute to watch and smart. Anyway, Tom says that he’ll take a shovel and whack any snake’s head off that he sees on the property. Although you should never get bit as long as you’re careful and watch where you’re going, we have a bite kit that Tom and I checked out and went over. It’s for snakes, scorpions, bees, black widows, and jellyfish. Believe me, though, you won’t run into a jellyfish out here! I’ll bet most people back east wouldn’t believe me if I told them the animal out here that’s most likely to attack. They’re the hardest to see and for every snake, there are millions of them. They’re ants, and out here, they spare you no mercy! Little red ants and big black ants - the most likely to get you. The most dangerous, though, is the rattlers and I think there are copperheads and other dangerous snakes out here too, although they’re big so they’re easy to spot. They’re also slow-moving and they won’t chase you down. They’ll try to get away from you. The most harmless - coyotes and tarantulas. Coyotes are too timid to get near you and tarantulas are virtually poisonless. You can just walk up to them, pick them up, pat their fur, and put them down, not that I’d care to. They’re very slow-moving, too. My personal outdoor favorites, though, are the jackrabbits, roadrunners, and coyotes.

SUNDAY, MARCH 12, 2000 Tom left for work an hour ago.

I spent most of the weekend backing up my picture files. I converted my BMP pictures to JPGs before saving them on floppies and was able to get between 15-27 pictures per disk. It took about 20 disks. Even though Tom does regular backups on CDs, I felt it wouldn’t hurt to have another backup set that I did on floppies. I was mainly after the harder-to-replace pictures, like the ones taken with the digital camera. If I lost copies of the photos I scanned, I could just rescan them. I also backed up most of the wallpaper pictures I got online.

I showed Tom that bridge I saw out front and he told me it’s a cotton gin. Makes sense. There’s nothing but farms out towards the front of us, and the more I looked at it, the more it did look like a gin.

At 2:00 this afternoon, Scuttles decided it was midnight. He must have because he was really having a ball. He not only wanted to be affectionate and get attention from me, but he also wanted to run around the house, too. He loves to nestle in my hair and make it a real “rat’s nest.” I started straightening it naturally, the way I did in the 80s before there were straightening irons, so it was easier to brush the knots out. I straighten it by putting elastics down the length of it, every inch or so apart. Because it’s so damn thick, it takes forever to dry.

Paula called yesterday. We talked about the house, the weather, and that guy she’s seeing. She asked more questions about us and the house this time around. She says that for $70 a month, she’s renting a computer she doesn’t know how to hook up to the Internet or its printer. That’s Paula for you. Oh, and now she claims she mailed those pictures out Friday, so her story’s changed again.

Tom’s still playing games. Yesterday he conveniently had body aches and thought he was getting the flu. He said he wondered if the nasty fumes from the shit he used to clean paint spatter off the speakers in the den did it, but I think it was an excuse to get out of sex.

Today he couldn’t stay hard, and while I was doing him by hand, he suddenly heard fictitious car doors close by and had to get up and check it out. Meanwhile, I heard nothing like that, and again I pointed out to him that he should come clean with me and quit making lame excuses to get out of sex. I can’t stop him from playing games, but I can help him with his fears. If he’s so sure I can conceive and doesn’t want that to happen, he should just tell me so we could discuss some sort of birth control method. But no, he says, that isn’t it. Maybe he’s a nut who’s become like me, he says. Sensitive to sounds. Then he gets back into bed saying, I’m still here, aren’t I? And then he tells me that he’s trying. But I don’t want him to “try.” No one should have to “try” to get into sex. If it doesn’t come naturally to him, then maybe he shouldn’t be having sex, especially with me. Then I asked him if he was sick of me and felt he needed a fling or something, but he swears he isn’t sick of me and doesn’t want a fling. He once told me he and his ex had a threesome once with a woman and that screwed things up, I guess. Anyway, he says he’s never had the problem of not being able to stay hard before. Part of it’s God, who just has to interfere with my sex life no matter what. As I reminded Tom, I’ve been sexually cursed since day one and if I got a new man or woman every year, each one would have some kind of problem or weird quirk. He says he thinks his problem is over money, then went on to explain, although it makes no sense to me, that it stresses him out more to be barely making it, rather than behind. Well, I still think all this is about his enjoying playing sex games with me and his fear of me conceiving. He still swears he isn’t afraid of that, but I don’t know. I suggested, just in case he is being sincere and he does truly have these problems that are out of his control, to just wait till we’re back on track financially. Then, if he’s still having trouble getting hard, he can decide if he wants to go to a doctor (although I think he should’ve gone to one six years ago). I highly suggested he tell the whole story if he does go to a doctor. Not just the trouble with staying hard, but the lack of cumming, too. Let an expert give their opinion. He agreed he’d think about a doctor and tell them everything if he went to one, but I know Tom S. The man would never in a million years breathe a word about his hardness trouble or lack of cumming to a doctor or anyone, and you want to know why? Because I still think it’s his own will that’s doing it, both consciously and subconsciously. He’s had “problems” in bed ever since we met, so why would he wait this long to do something about it if he didn’t want things the way they were?

I wondered for a moment if this weren’t meant to be to get him to go to a doctor, for once and for all. Yes, if he’s sincere, maybe having two problems will give him the gusto to go to a doctor.

Nah. He’ll never go to a doctor about it. Not if his life depended on it.

I can’t help but feel conflicting emotions about it. On the one hand, I’m pissed that because of him I can never see if I can get pregnant naturally if I decide I want that in a few years, and on the other hand, I don’t want that, and God would never allow it to happen, naturally or not. I’m still glad we never had a kid in the past. I’m sorry I went through all the emotional shit over it that I went through. It was miserably horrible. I’m sorry for every rotten thing he and I have ever been through, but I’m not sorry things turned out to be the way they did so I could live life and do the things we’ve done in life. With a kid, I’m almost positive we’d never have been able to get out of Phoenix. At least not till it was older. I also wouldn’t have been able to do, learn, grow, mature, and experience the things I have in life.

We talked about the possibility of moving to a retirement community like Sun City or Sun Lakes when he gets to be at least 55, and I may like that for various reasons. For one, as much as I love this big house in this remote area, it’s a little too far out for old people who need to go to the doctor more often. If we were in one of these places, we could get to doctors more easily and not have to wait an hour for an ambulance, should we need one.

Also, they have rules about barking dogs, but there are not that many in these places. Just like most houses in the city do have dogs, most old people don’t have dogs. Those that do tend to have little dogs like poodles. Not two big vicious collies.

They probably don’t allow people to have pools, but that’s OK cuz they have country clubs you can walk to, and I wouldn’t be afraid of being attacked by a big dog walking the streets there.

I’d want a smaller house when I got older and had a harder time getting around and doing housecleaning, and in a place like that, you’d never have to worry about subsidized freeloaders moving in next door. Oh, I’m sure it’d be just my shit luck to move in next to the old lady whose grandkids came over practically every day and screamed outside, but at least I could do something about that, and since the mother would live there, I wouldn’t have to worry so much about her taking my noise complaint all wrong and making sure the kids got even noisier.

Anyway, I hope to be here for a long time. At least 10-15 years. I hope we’re happy here as long as we’re here, but like I said, that’s not very realistic. It’s bound to get noisy sooner or later.

FRIDAY, MARCH 10, 2000 I discovered Mocha, one of my mice, dead today. Tom thinks she had tumors, but I don’t know. The way she was shaped made me think she was just fat and may have even had a litter before we bought her. We buried her but didn’t bother with a marker.

Tom’s suddenly so sorry for “doing more bad things to me than I have to him,” as were his words. I don’t know how sincere he is, but anyway, perhaps that’s why he suddenly wants the male mouse we’ve been talking about getting. I know he enjoys checking out the animals, and he says he loves all his pets, even if he thinks rats are mean-looking, but we know that the animals are mainly for me. I just don’t get how he can say, year after year, that he’s so sorry for “being a failure in bed” yet not do anything about it. All he does is say he’s sorry. Meanwhile, he just keeps on doing the same old shit.

I guess it’s going to be easier said than done as far as giving Tom a taste of his own medicine. I just can’t do the things he does without feeling guilty. I just can’t jerk him around about sex or about anything like he has to me. Besides, jerking him around sexually, or being predictable, won’t faze him. I guess I’m just forever at his mercy in bed. I either put up with the never-ending predictability and lame excuses in bed, or I don’t have sex at all. At least we’re back to sex in part-time spurts like I knew we’d be, so I don’t have to deal with his shit too often.

We discussed the possibility of moving to a retirement community like Sun City or Sun Lakes in about 15 years.

THURSDAY, MARCH 9, 2000 Tom was a big hero at work last night, fixing stupid people’s mistakes. I guess they threw out stuff they weren’t supposed to throw out. I swear that’s our life’s destiny - fixing other people’s fuck-ups.

I’m not looking forward to all I know we’ll have to go through from here on out to get the Bowflex. Just because they said we could have it, and just because we intend to make payments on it, doesn’t mean we can just have it. It’s gonna be a big fucking deal to get and we’ll have to fight tooth and nail for it. There’ll be a problem with delivery, or it’ll get here damaged, or parts will be missing, etc.

I washed some of my older doll’s clothes.

I also made five screensavers for Mary, Dave and Mom. They said they were curious to see how I do those, so I did up a saver of us, scenery, flowers, dogs and cats, and various animals. No mice or rats, though, since they don’t like them.

I think I forgot to mention the scorpion Tom met last weekend. He was moving the shed onto the frame he made for it of concrete he poured, and he came across it then. He took some cool pictures of it, too, before he killed it.

I don’t know why, but I didn’t get up at 9:00 when my alarm was set to go off. Instead, I got up at 11:00. I don’t know if I subconsciously turned the alarm off or what happened, but amazingly, they let me sleep till then. I haven’t heard any booms at all today. Tom mentioned a change in the jet stream. Maybe that caused them to alter their course.

I checked into Luke Air Force Base last night online, which is where these jets are coming from. They claim they mostly fly in the daytime but do have some night flights, which are usually back by 10:00. They didn’t mention how many days of the week they fly. There was a number to call about noise complaints. What for? They’ll just tell anyone that bitches the same thing they’ve told others that have bitched - hey, we have to train these people, so tough.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 8, 2000 I was lucky enough to have them wait till I’d gotten up before booming by today. At 11:00 and 4:00 I heard a whole series of rumbles. Some were mild tremors and others were loud and thunderous.

Later…

I don’t fucking believe it! Thanks, God. I just knew it, though. They just boomed by. At 9:00 at night? They’re gonna train people in the dark at night? See, it’s only a matter of time before it’s a round-the-clock thing. It won’t matter what my schedule is, eventually, cuz anytime I sleep will be hit or miss. I checked outside to make sure it wasn’t thunder I heard since that’s what it sounded like, but the sky was clear as can be. Nothing going on at Dan’s. Just a minute’s worth of engine-gunning a couple of hours ago. Why am I so cursed when it comes to noise and sleep?! I’ll never be free of it no matter where I go.

TUESDAY, MARCH 7, 2000 He’s gone. Meanwhile, I am gonna get him good sexually! If only he knew just how sexually doomed he is to be in a month from now. I’ve had it with the sex games! Now it’s his turn to get a taste of his own medicine, and believe me, I’m gonna make every lame excuse in the book and do nothing but bitch and complain about how his doing this or that turns me off in bed, and this distracts me, and this stresses me, etc. Let him feel like the little freak he’s made me feel. Let him feel unappreciated in bed. He isn’t the only one who’s quit cumming, that’s for sure.

Tonight he had to have ice cream, something he knows his stomach can’t tolerate well, so he could have an upset stomach and an excuse to avoid sex and laze out in front of the TV. The fucking TV turns him on more than I do, and I don’t care how beautiful he always tells me I am. Of course, I’m sure part of it is because I made the excuse to bail out of the same old bullshit sex last night. It’s like he has to give me a taste of my own medicine when I make excuses to get out of sex and do the same thing right back.

Anyway, his 30 days are up and we’re having less sex and there are certainly no squirts. Yeah, I knew it, the lying SOB. Why does this guy have to lie so much when it comes to sex? He doesn’t lie about other subjects. Why can’t he just come out and face his fears? See, this isn’t just about his not being able to own up to his fears, it’s a game to him. It turns him on to turn me off, and boy let me tell you, I am turned off. I’ve never before felt this turned off. I’ve lost any ounce of sexual interest I could possibly have left for this man. I just have no desire for him in bed. It doesn’t detract from how much I love him, but by God, I’ve had it with him sexually. If we never had sex again, I wouldn’t miss it. He’s so scared and he’s so stubborn when it comes to sexual changes and he’s so obsessed with his games, that he can’t even show a little appreciation for me in bed even just once in a while. It’s a miracle I don’t want a woman. A woman not just inside my head that I fantasize about. I’m just so sick of the idea of sex with anyone. It’s not new and exciting anymore and hasn’t been for years.

Anyway, the liar told me that in 30 days we’d be screwing 2-3 times a week and he’d cum once a week. Well, in my letter to him, which I’ll give him on April 7th, I’m gonna let him know just how I feel for the last time. And I mean the last time. I’m tired of his sex lies and games in bed, I refuse to fight with him over sex in this house from here on out. Also, he is not going to control my reproductive system. Only God can do that. He will not con or manipulate me out of having a kid if I choose to do that someday. I won’t hesitate to use a sperm donor if that’s what I have to do, cuz this guy will never change, but fine. Now he can have his way; he can stay cumless and never hear me bring it up again. He’ll never have to deal with it. He can just stay the way he so obviously wants to be. Even so, I think I’ll always have some bitterness and resentment toward him for what he’s done to me. I mean, I may not want a kid right now, thank God, but how dare he fucking tell me in the past that he wanted a kid, yet refuse to do anything to help himself or to let himself be helped so he could make the necessary changes in order for me to conceive naturally if I truly could like he’s so sure I can. He had a lot of nerve saying he wanted a kid, then I try to help him and suggest he do things to help himself and see a doctor, then he turns around and bitches at me for trying to change him. That’s really fucking cold and insensitive. Meanwhile, I’m the one going through the painful testing. He won’t talk to no one, he won’t try stimulants, and this tells me something quite obvious - that he doesn’t want to change. He wants to be the way he is. Anyone who didn’t would try to get help. Not make up bullshit lame excuses and say that not talking about it, which is really a form of not dealing with it, will be their magic cure.

Later…

Today hasn’t exactly been a thrilling day. I couldn’t get to sleep till nearly 6:00 in the fucking morning, they fucking woke me up at 9:20, then when I got up with the alarm at 11:00 I was exhausted. I still am, too. Meanwhile, to top things off, fucking Dan just started with the engine-gunning. This cock cannot go one solid week without putting on a show, can he?

I started to get all psyched at the letter we did receive, believe it or not, from the Bowflex people saying we have been approved for the complete machine, but as I figured, there’s always a catch to good news. They wanted three references. One related and two personal. The relative one was fine, cuz Mary’s reliable, but as for personals, all we could think of was Paula and Kim. If they call these people, though, we can kiss the Bowflex goodbye, cuz I don’t even have Kim’s current number (I made one up), and you never know what a stupid, brainless idiot like Paula will say.

Again, can’t we just have something without the song and dance? Isn’t paying $53 a month for three years enough of a payment? Can’t we simply just have something?

Later…

Due to the fact that I haven’t heard any booms since being up, I wonder if I may have dreamt that they woke me up this morning. After all, I was kind of having a nightmare. I don’t remember what the nightmare was, but who knows? Maybe I dreamt it, maybe I didn’t. Tom was even insisting that he felt a slight shudder last Saturday morning at 8:30, but that I must’ve dreamt them waking me up an hour later, cuz he didn’t hear or feel a thing. I don’t know. I’m still going to try to get up around 9:00 regularly anyway, both because I want to and to be on the safe side. That way I don’t have to worry about being woken up. Sundays I’ll sleep in till they take my Sundays, too, and if they’ve flown on Saturdays I’m sure they’ll take that, too.

Another thing I’m not sure of is whether or not that was Dan’s engine and music I heard earlier, or was it the tractors that grade the roads? Those sound a lot like someone was revving an engine, only what I heard was softer, suggesting it was further away than Dan. God knows the roads did need grading after the rain. Also, the bass I thought I heard didn’t have a beat, and some big vehicles tend to sound bassy from a distance, so I don’t know for sure what I heard.

Yeah, the rain has finally quit. We had a lot of rain, too! It rained steadily for over 24 hours. No leaks!

Looking through the binoculars out the living room window, I discovered a bridge off in the distance. I don’t know what it is. I’ll have to ask Tom. I don’t know if it’s a bridge that cars drive over, or if it’s just a scenic walkway for people, which would seem a bit odd in such a low-populated area. I wonder where it goes and what’s under it.

I can see a flashing light from my office window at night way off in the distance. I’m pretty sure it’s where the crop duster’s airport is.

Scuttles is so cute in the way he sticks his head through the bars to have his head patted. He can get out as far as his shoulders. Ratsy decided to take an afternoon stroll. I was surprised he wanted to come out and run around at 3:30, being the nocturnal creature he is. He ran around the living room, the dining area, the bedroom, and the bathroom, then went home and back to bed. It still amazes me how these rats go home when they’re done exploring. Most animals wouldn’t do that and would run from you when you tried to get them to bring them home.

I called and left Paula a message letting her know that the Bowflex people may call her and that I used her as a reference.

I can’t wait to finally have that! At least I hope there are no more problems getting it from here on out. I may have lost a few pounds and toned down certain bulging areas lately, but man do I look awful! I’m flabby, sagging, and furrowed, not to mention a good 4-5 inches too big in most spots. I really hate my face and neck more and more. They’ve really gone to hell. I have ugly furrows running from the corners of my lips down, and a double chin from hell. Tom doesn’t think I have a double chin, but I say my neck’s definitely sagging and needs some picking up. He doesn’t even think I’m fat. He thinks my weight’s fine and all I need to do is tone up. I wish that were the case.

Later…

We were just out burning some trash. We could hear an owl hooting nearby. We also heard, but only for half a second, a thunderous rumble that sounded exactly like those jets. Are we getting into night flying now, too? God, I hope not!

MONDAY, MARCH 6, 2000 I didn’t shit yesterday and was so sure that even though I walked and watched what I ate, I’d be back to 124 pounds, but nope. I’m down to 121½!

Although I’ll still walk, today I’m taking a break and plan on treating myself to Dairy Queen like we have been on Mondays when we go to Circle K. I’m starting to doubt we’ll go tonight as we originally planned, but we’ll see. That’ll have to be up to Tom. For once they were right about saying we were in for some serious rain. Well, it’s been raining on and off since last night. I can barely see out my window and the heat’s been on during the day. Usually, it’s off by sunrise and is around 80º in here by the afternoon. Anyway, I guess we can still get out of here OK. He got home, after all. It’s not like it’s rained hard enough to wash the roads out. I can even see Gravity’s tractor tracks still. Hopefully, we’ll go out and I’ll see Jennifer. Then we can have predictable, boring sex when we get home, be it with or without him inside me.

Later…

I woke him up at 6:00 and we left shortly afterward. We had to drive really slowly through the dirt roads. The parts that get more traffic were really bumpy and shaky. Once it got dark, the wet dirt roads gave off the optical illusion of being paved roads with slush on them. It’s been raining steadily since last night and I guess it may continue to do so till tomorrow.

I didn’t get to see Jennifer tonight. She wasn’t anywhere around. They finally fixed the cappuccino machine, so I got my white caramel coffee and some Tic Tacs.

Dairy Queen’s grill was broken so we couldn’t get burgers. That was OK, though, since I am on a diet. I got some fries and that was enough to fill me up.

Right now, it’s off to work some more on my story, then walk, then get some boring sex, then who knows?

Later…

Sounds like the rain’s finally stopped out there. That’s why they let me sleep today. Tomorrow - who knows? I got up at noon today and am determined to get up at 11:00 tomorrow, 10:00 on Wednesday, and 9:00, the time I want to get up regularly on Thursday.

He’s getting ready to leave for work.

SUNDAY, MARCH 5, 2000 I just asked Tom what has become my famous weekend question - how many cars do you think are next door now to our old house? Yeah, how many? Six? Eight? Ten? I love it here! No dogs, no door slams, no banging in and out, no ball games, no nothing. No faint strains of music or Danantics, either so far. But tomorrow, although I’m not going to get up till noon, I’m sure I’ll be woken up by those damn jets a dozen times.

I forgot to mention that Friday night, we had a little campfire at 2 a.m. We burned trash while I toasted marshmallows. It was a moonless night and the stars were beautiful. We heard some distant dogs barking, and nosy, lonely Dan spied on us. Leave it to a lonely boy like that to be up that late. We saw his back light go on and off during the time we were out.

Tom looked online for ways to reink my cartridges, rather than buy new ones, cuz it’s a lot cheaper.

I was online downloading some wave files (sound files). I couldn’t believe the variety they had. They had everything from animal sounds, to weather sounds. They even had the president when he tried to bullshit us by saying he wasn’t having affairs, and lines from movies. I downloaded a couple of song clips, birds chirping, a toilet flushing, horses galloping and whinnying, and a coyote howling. I also got a clip of someone saying, “Hi, Jodi. How are you?” and “Bye, Jodi. See you later,” and “Hi, Tom. How are you?”

I finally got to see it rain in the daylight today. It just looked like water droplets were sitting on the skylight and didn’t rain nearly hard enough to run down the wash. For the most part, all we’ve had is wind, massive clouds, and scattered drizzling.

Woke up at 122 pounds today. Was it because I watched what I ate? Because I walked? Or both? Anyway, I’m sure I won’t shit today because of it, and that’ll set me back to 124.

I told Tom we should wait on the sex till he’s less stressed out over money, although, he’ll have a new problem once we’re not as strapped. Naturally, he went along with this without appearing to be one bit bothered by it. It’s just that I’m tired of the same old shit in bed. I can’t get into it anymore, knowing that he’s not into it. I’m sick of getting in that bed with him and knowing that one of only two things is gonna happen.

SATURDAY, MARCH 4, 2000 Today’s been quiet, save for the faint strains of music I thought I heard. If that’s what I heard, it stopped by the time Tom got to the door to listen to see if he could hear anything, too.

Last night I went to bed at 5:30 in the morning and guess who woke me up at 9:30 in the morning on a fucking Saturday? The fucking fighter jets! On a Saturday?! Now they’ve taken my Saturdays, too? I had planned to sleep in on weekends, but obviously I can’t. What am I going to do when they start flying at night and anytime I sleep is hit or miss as to whether or not they'll wake me up? I tried staying up, so I could be on a schedule where I got up around 9:00 to beat the flights, but I just couldn’t. I fell back asleep with no sound machine and with the door open and only woke up a couple of times during my sleep when Tom was in the kitchen. I’d only wake up for a minute, though.

I totally, totally hate God. I hate him! I tried for years to find the good in him and to keep in mind the good things he’s blessed me with, but I’m sorry. This, along with the hell he let us go through to get into this house was the final straw. The things he’s blessed me with are nothing compared to the things he’s cursed me with, anyway. For every blessing he’s granted me, he’s damned me a hundred times over. There is no place in my heart for such an unfair, hateful, cruel, vengeful God as him. He will never be forgiven by me. Never.

To think that my sleep is more threatened out here in this remote area than it was in the city when I had the freeloaders to deal with totally blows my mind. And what’s scary is that I’ve been right so far on just about everything I’ve predicted upon moving into the house. I was only wrong on my time frame as to when the renters would be a problem. Their time hasn’t come yet. But I was right about predicting more noise upon moving into the house. Since being in the house, we’ve got more bouts of music, the engine-gunning, and now these jets. It really bothers me to have yet another choice of mine stolen. Especially by strangers. I don’t even know these people, yet they’ve butted into my sleep like they own it. I’ll never be able to sleep past 9:00 without the 50/50 chance of being woken up.

Neither of us has had any apparent interest in sex, but I’m OK with that. I need to get cracking on my story. I’ve been neglecting it a lot lately.

Been walking 30 minutes a day starting the 1st and watching what I eat. I don’t know why I bother when I know damn good and well I’ll never lose weight or inches, and if I do, it won’t be enough to be all that psyched about. I guess old habits die hard and I keep rebelling against where my body naturally wants to be: at about 124 pounds. Be lucky I didn’t have that kid when I wanted one, I tell myself. I’d not only have lost my life, but I’d be in the 140s or higher.

THURSDAY, MARCH 2, 2000 Today was like it is 99% of the time around here - dead quiet. Just one little boom after I woke up, no music, and no Danantics.

I’m not looking forward to later on tonight. I almost dread it. Yes, it’s another round of fun in bed with my terrified and stubborn husband. I hate getting into bed with him knowing that only one of two things could possibly happen. Either we’ll have a cumless screw, or he won’t bother going in me at all.

Since we’re obviously not meant to have an exercise machine (and if we are, we’re talking way in the future) I started walking a half-hour a day on the walker. Like I said before - no, it doesn’t cause me to lose weight, it just makes me feel like I’m active. I’ve got to do something. Housecleaning isn’t enough, and the rest of the stuff I do isn’t even physical.

I finally heard from Paula. She called, and believe it or not, she just got the letter with our number. What took it so long to get to her? Anyway, there’s not much change on her end. Still dating married people regularly. This time, though, it’s a black cop, rather than some Puerto Rican. The cop’s been married for 17 years and has a few kids. I suggested that if she wants to play around, which is fine if she doesn’t want to commit, then why not try a single guy so she doesn’t have that third party to worry about? All she did was bitch about how the woman follows this guy left and right. Well, she certainly has a reason to be paranoid. While I was on the phone he called to tell her they had to lay low for a while. I swear, just like Andy, she’s not destined to have a loving relationship.

She was her usual selfish self, talking mainly about herself non-stop, but she did ask a few questions about me and I still did enjoy talking to her. She asked about the weather and if I’d been in contact with my sister or anyone on my side of the family. Oh, she asked about my weight too, after telling me she was up to 160 pounds. Getting heavy, I guess. She said it was cuz of a shot they gave her to keep her from getting pregnant. I asked her why she’d need that if she had her tubes tied, and all she said was that she had problems with that. Well, if she can get pregnant, she will. Not just because she’s a slut, but because God loves to sic kids on people like her. The trouble I predicted with Justin’s already starting. He’s beating up his classmates, thanks to the wonderful role model he’s got at home, and yes, she was threatening him as usual.

She said they cut off his SSI checks, saying he’s no longer handicapped. I guess he’s somewhat slow, but not so slow anymore. Anyway, she was bitching to me that all she’s going to get is $600 a month instead of $1,175, and was like - how am I gonna live! They have to give me welfare! So I suggested she get a job to supplement things since we know she can keep a schedule. She said I got her really thinking about it, but Paula can’t work. She really truly is disabled. Her temper will get her fired in no time if not her stupidity. She’s totally unreliable.

So, as you can probably gather, I have mixed emotions when Paula calls. I care about her and I do enjoy our chats, but she annoys me, too. She reminds me of how vengeful and unfair God is.

She says, for the hundredth time, she’s sending pictures of herself. Yeah, right! She’ll never send me a picture of her. Oh, she may be sending pictures, all right. Yeah, of her son and her car. Hell, she’d even send me a picture of her toilet before she ever sent me a picture of herself.

Later…

What is this? Is this guy on his way to becoming impotent, as well as cumless? He just cannot stay hard! I don’t know if he’s playing games, or what? He said he’s sorry he’s doing badly in bed. I asked him why, expecting him to say it was cuz of me, but he said that if he had to take his best guess, it was because we were financially strapped. But our bills are current, which is what’s most important, so who cares if we can’t get extra stuff right now? As long as the necessities are paid for, who cares? So we wait six months to a year for extras. Then he tells me he feels like a failure when he hears me mention things I want (like ink cartridges) that we can’t get for a while, although he understands I never intentionally set out to make him feel that way. Yes, we screwed up, and yes, others screwed us over, too. But we can’t live in the past and blame ourselves for the things we should’ve done differently or else we’ll all be miserable and have a hard time moving on. He shouldn’t feel like a failure and neither should I. We didn’t deliberately fuck ourselves up here, and like I said, as long as the necessities are paid for. That’s what counts. I understand his feelings, though. There are a lot of things I wish I’d said or not said to certain people in past experiences, and things I wish I’d done or not done. I’d take back not kicking the crap out of Barbara at the NHA any day. I’d take back my talking to Larry in the 90s any day, too.

The thing about it is that he may be having a hard time in bed cuz of money stress, but once we do have extra money, it’ll be something else. He’ll have some whole new problem in bed.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 1, 2000 Tom got a raise which is to be effective beginning tomorrow and will be switching to a day job that was created especially for him (without overtime) within a month or so. He gets more money for working nights, but with the raise factored in, he’ll be making the same amount of money on days that he’s making now on nights. The question is - how much will this new job improve our lives? Will we really have more time to do things and will we do more things? I can forget about it improving our sex lives in any way. That’ll never change, thanks to his fears and stubbornness. It’ll always be the same old, same old, and I wonder if I’ll ever have the desire to cum by him again.

Last night I set up the blue card table in the retreat that Doe and Art shipped out to me when I first came out here (I drew last night, and still want to get another table for that room). That’s where the air bed is too, so he can sleep in there on that when his mother visits. If she visits. I mean, what do we have to offer her? We have no kids to entertain her with. Just rats, mice and dolls, and somehow I think she’d find that quite boring.

My allergies have been picking up lately. For a while, my lungs were even better than they were when I was on the prescription inhalers, but last night they were tight. For the last few days, I’ve woken up sneezing, so I pushed myself to dust and vacuum really well today, concentrating on the bedroom and getting under the bed really well.

Evelyn gave us a housewarming present - a stained glass rose that I hung in the living room window. It’s pretty. She said she figured she ought to just give that to him since we’re obviously not having a housewarming party. No, those are for the freeloaders and selfish people just like them.

We also got a strange thing that was thicker than a sheet, but not thick enough to be a blanket. Tom said he’ll ask Mary some time what that’s all about.

Last night I got pissed at Tom for being so moody that I said he was working on putting me out of the mood for sex and that he could just go play with himself for all I cared. A little while later, though, he came where I was reading in bed and we were laughing and talking and I assumed all was fine at that point and that he knew that, but when I brought up the subject of sex later, he was like - I thought you said no. Then he went on to tell me how he gets disappointed when we don’t do it. Could’ve fooled me, I told him. Then he said that just because he didn’t always show his feelings didn’t mean he doesn’t have them. Fine. Whatever. I just want the sex problems left in Phoenix to stay!

Later…

I woke up needing to pee at 9:30 after going to bed around 5:00. Right as I was drifting back to sleep, they boomed by in the sky. I knew this week they’d be booming as usual. In fact, they woke me up eight times between 9:30 and 11:30. Thanks, God. Nice to know I can always count on you to let me sleep well regularly no matter where I go. Anyway, I didn’t get up till 1:00 and I plan on inching my schedule back so I can be getting up around 9:00 regularly so I can sleep without so many interruptions. I heard them boom by at 3:30 and 4:00, too. It’s fine when I’m awake, though. It’s even neat to hear and feel. I just don’t understand why we never heard them in the trailer. Is this a new route God set up for me upon our moving into the house? Well, I did say it’d get noisier once we got in the house. I just didn’t know it would be due to Dan’s engines and the military. I thought it’d be due to the renters, but they’ll be a problem in time.

At 5:00 Dan was back to his engine-gunning, but fortunately, it was brief.

The address label people sent us seven different boring samples, but I’ll use them anyway, even though they put Tom Jodi Lin S on them and Not Tom & Jodi Lin S.

Later…

Jesus Christ! It’s actually been noisy today. The noisiest day since we’ve been here, anyway. First we had ten booms, and I don’t think they’ve ever boomed by that much in one day before. Then we had Dan’s engine-gunning, and then some music. It was that same music we’d heard three or four times in the past since being in the house. It’s either coming from the renters or from Dan, and it sounds like it’s definitely a car stereo and not a house stereo. Car stereos like that are a renter’s thing, and it’s also something Dan would have because we know he wants attention, so I can’t say for sure whose place it’s coming from. However, why have we heard it only four times in the last two months and not every day? This tells me it might be someone visiting either Dan or the renters. The music only lasted a few minutes, too.

Later…

I just looked out the window and saw Dan’s headlights as he drove in alongside his place, but heard no music. Hopefully, he’ll get out of the damn truck and go inside for the night, but we’ll see. Sometimes he sits there gunning his engine when he drives in from wherever, but I don’t hear him at the moment.

Strangely enough, I still never see lights on at night in the rentals.

[thoughts-feelings-musings]

1.7.23

Ok. So. Hahahaha. Sexual debut complete. Hahaha. Wow.

Ok so many thoughts. I was more confident with my body than I thought, I didn’t actually feel insecure. I felt nervous and awkward about my inexperience and the fact I don’t know what I’m doing and it’s all a bit clunky. But that’s ok!

I couldn’t stop apologising. So he kept saying “stop saying sorry” and then I’d respond “sorry” and it was a loop.

Clinic was open downstairs to begin. Oooops. Sorry boss. Might be a VERY awkward conversation on the horizon.

I still have a weird thing about like bodily fluids though. My squeamishness extends from gore to bodily fluids apparently. Or kissing.

He did make me, you know… get there. It was great. Almost passed out. TMI. But that was digital stuff. The real deal, that was painful. Maybe his size. Maybe my nervousness.

I think maybe, just maybe, I am experiencing vaginismus. I’ll cross that bridge as I come to it. Nothing I can’t work on though.

He’s asleep in the bedroom.

I made him build the sofa the moment he got here. I’m a bad person. Or just a very very resourceful young woman.

I just feel like such a weight is lifted. It’s done, I’ve done it, I don’t have to worry about the first time any more.

Now begins the constant pregnancy and STI paranoia. I’ll get tested in a few weeks. I know it’s not ideal, but I’m not going to let my sexual perfectionism harass me about this. It’s whatever. People get STIs, accidentally pregnant. I’ll deal with it. It’s a part of the risk you take.

Lots of laughter lots of fun. Lots of honesty and realness with one another. He’s a cutie. Fucking hot. Like, body to die for. Tattoos. Curly hair. Oh my. Pretty puppy dog eyes. Is it emasculating to call a man pretty? Well he is. So who cares.

Anyways.

It’s weird sleeping in a bed with another human. Holding hands. Weirrrrdd. I think I like it though.

Part of my brain goes, oh shit, this is so dangerous. So scary. He’s so much stronger than I am and my life has taught me to be afraid.

But whatever happens I can survive. I’m not putting myself in danger I don’t think.

This also proves this is not like what happened with W in Dec/Jan. it doesn’t feel so sparkly. But not in a bad way, just in a “I’m not in a manic episode” way. Because I’m actually not. I’m making these decisions fully with my full self. I think.

Maybe my body is ok. Maybe it’s nice. Maybe I can be attractive to people. Maybe.

I’m not sure how fussed I am about relationships and love and any of that. I want someone to get that I just want a close friendship, and occasional sex and DIY tasks to be completed.

I might end up hurting him. We’ll see. It’s not a problem if I do. People get hurt.

I need to be really real with myself. You are more likely to hurt others than they are to hurt you. I’m my mothers daughter after all. I am like my older sister. I have learned how to keep myself safe by striking out first. And even when I’m already safe, I think I enjoy the game of it all. The manipulation, the performance. That’s not a good thing. But I think it’s what’s going on. I need to work on that.

Baby steps, though. Find your feet with this stuff and then we’ll go from there.

Well done, me. You did it. 21 years of horrendous fear and anxiety, all for nothing. As usual.

[babybluebex]

𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐘 𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐄 𝐖𝐈𝐓𝐇 𝐌𝐄. | 𝐫𝐨𝐛𝐞𝐫𝐭 𝐟𝐢𝐬𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐱 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲 | dominic cobb recruits you to influence your boss to split his company, but the dream you enter becomes more than you bargained for as you learn what robert fischer really thinks of you. 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠 | robert fischer (inception) x fem!reader 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭 | 3.6k 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 | smut (MDNI!), unprotected sex, a whiff of breeding kink, mentions of oral sex (f!receiving), i can't stop thinking about cillian's bandy little chest so it makes an appearance 𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫'𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞 | this is a little weird but HEAR ME OUT IM PROUD OF IT OK // taglist blog: @cremebruhleewrites

When the man named Cobb first approached you, you had rejected his offer. He hadn’t done a very deep explanation of what he needed your help with; something about getting some sort of information from your boss. You had asked him what exactly he wanted you to do, and he had said, “You are going to infiltrate Fischer’s dreams and put an idea into his subconscious.” Of course, you called him crazy. How in the actual hell do you infiltrate people’s dreams? That wasn’t a thing, and you didn’t believe him in the slightest. Cobb seemed to be merely a man who was trying to con you, because what the fuck else was he doing?

And then he proved you wrong. After he finally convinced you to at least hear him out and do a trial run of the dream hacking, along with up-front payment, you allowed him to hook you up to that suspect machine. When you fell asleep, your dream was more surreal than ever before. You could see everything clearly, you could hear all of your surroundings, the air had a smell and a taste. It was all real, as real as reality. Cobb appeared by your side and explained the finer details of what he needed you to do to your boss. “I work for a powerful man,” Cobb said. “He needs Fischer to break up the company, and we’re going to implant that thought into his dream. Me and my team will be on his flight from Sydney to Los Angeles,” Cobb told you. “We’ll sedate him— you too, to ensure you don’t wake up during it— and you’ll jump into his dream. He’ll trust anything you tell him; even in his sleep, he trusts you more than he’ll ever trust someone that he thinks is just a figment of his imagination. Once you plant the thought in his head— split up the company, do what he wants instead of what his father wants— you'll both receive a kick to wake you up.”

“And this is safe?” you asked.

“Yes,” Cobb told you. “We’re safe now, aren’t we? But you have to remember; although it seems like reality, ultimately, Fischer will have full control over what happens. It’s his dream. Go with the flow of what happens.Oh! And you can’t let him know it’s a dream. He has to think it’s reality. You understand?”

You didn’t know your boss all that well, to be honest, and you certainly didn’t believe that he trusted you as much as Cobb thought he did. Robert Fischer was a sort-of cold man, definitely cut off from the majority of people and seemingly pleased with that life, the heir to a massive fortune and company that, all in all, stood to make the young Fischer very important and rich. You knew that his father Maurice was everything that Robert was ten-fold and, although you had never met the man, every time Robert returned to his office following a meeting with his terminally-ill, bedridden father, you cursed Maurice. Robert never let it show, but you knew that whatever Maurice said definitely cut him to his core. You never dared to ask what was said, though; you were just Robert’s personal assistant. You got his coffee and picked up his dry-cleaning, you were by no means that close. Which made Cobb’s declaration of Robert’s trust in you all that more dubious.

The cabin on the plane was cold and dry, just as it always was in first class, and Robert was quick to pull off his stuffy jacket and roll up his sleeves. You sat down easily, acting like nothing was any different than any other ten hour flight from Sydney to Los Angeles that you had grown accustomed to, but you did everything you could to avoid eyes. Cobb nor Arthur even dared to look in your direction, and you distantly heard Cobb speaking to Robert. You acted like you didn’t really care, especially after Cobb said how much he ‘admired’ Robert’s work. The entire exchange culminated in Cobb lacing Robert’s drink with the sedative, and your stomach seized uncomfortably when you watched Robert unknowingly ingest the drug. You knew that it was all the plan, but it still was uncomfortable to watch.

Finally, just a few minutes after Robert took his drink, he was out cold. Not even Cobb dropping his bag in his lap woke him up, and you knew how light of a sleeper Robert was. Arthur quickly moved out of his chair and began to set up the machine to send you into Robert’s dream, and Cobb leaned over to you. “Remember,” he began. “Whatever happens, happens. But put the thought in his head, that’s all we need.”

“How do I say that?” you realized. “I can’t just come right out with it.”

“No, you can’t,” Cobb said. “He has to think it’s like any other dream. So act natural, do whatever he seems to expect of you. Just find a way to tell him that. Even if he subconsciously understands, it’ll translate into the real world; if, in his dream, someone he trusts gives him advice, he’s likely to take it. He might not even realize that it was you who told him. The mind is a powerful place.”

Sunlight blinded you, and you pried your sticky eyes open. It took a moment for your fuzzy eyesight to right itself, but you saw the stark whiteness of a hotel room around you. The curtains on the window were open, the doors to the balcony wide to allow a warm breeze to drift inside. The place smelled like cigar smoke and suntan lotion and an odder, more human scent that you couldn’t make out, and you shifted to feel the warm caress of the bedsheets against your legs. You were alone in the bed, although it was obvious that someone else had previously been there, based on the slight divot next to you. An expensive hotel in a tropical location. What the hell sort of dream was this?

Your confusion disoriented you, and you nearly missed the shadow that loomed at the open doorway to the balcony. Once you finally saw him, though, your mouth went dry. Robert stood there, his head tilted slightly as he watched you sleep. His hooded, blue eyes were dreary with sleep and his wispy black hair all ruffled up, but he had a smile on his face nonetheless. He was only half-dressed, his bare chest on display in the golden morning sun with grey sweatpants that had obviously seen Robert through his university days. He looked good; more than good, actually. He was handsome. “Finally decided to wake up, hmm?” Robert chuckled, and he crossed back to the bed and sat down next to you, obviously where he had been sleeping. He tilted his head as he looked at you, and he reached out and gently pushed a lock of hair out of your face. “My silly girl… I was starting to wonder if you’d ever wake up.”

You remembered Cobb’s warning, to go with the flow, and, when you reached out for Robert and saw a glittering diamond ring and band on your finger, it didn’t take long to realize what Robert’s dream was. You were married and on some sort of vacation. Maybe a honeymoon? “Only to see you, Rob,” you replied, taking his hand in yours. You played with his matching wedding band for a moment, trying to gauge the amount of aging it had, and it looked brand new. Honeymoon, definitely. “It looks good on you.”

“It’s just a ring,” Robert chuckled, and you couldn’t help but smile at the blush that came over his sculpted cheeks.

“Aw, but it’s our ring,” you whispered.

Robert took your hand tightly in his, and he leaned down to meet you. Before you were really sure of what he was doing, he had pressed his lips to yours and his hand to your cheek. Your heart pounded in your chest at the sudden realization that your boss was certainly having some sort of wet dream about you, but you didn’t entirely hate the idea of it. Sure, Robert was a more than eligible bachelor and you had had the lone thought every now and then, but you never thought you’d get to experience it. Why would you? More than anything, he was your boss. It shouldn’t have been allowed. Hence, why Robert had created the scenario. You hated to wonder if Cobb and everyone could see what was going on.

You broke the kiss and smoothed your hands up Robert’s soft, built arms. “Mmm, Rob, you feel tense,” you told him, pouting at him. “What’s wrong, honey?”

“It’s just work,” Robert replied, chasing you back with a kiss. You giggled against his lips, and his arms went around your shoulders as he kissed you again. “You know how I get.”

“I know, I know,” you said. “I just worry about you, my handsome Mr. Fischer. Anyway, it’s our honeymoon, why’re you letting work get to you?”

“I worry about it when I’m not there,” Robert mumbled. “I know that being away for a week won’t make or break the company but I just…” he paused, and he shook his head. “I’m so used to worrying about it, I don’t know how not to.”

When you moved, it didn’t feel like you were in control of yourself. You knew that you had to be, though; Robert couldn’t control you. It was like Cobb had told you, everything you did was of your own accord. You pulled Robert back into a deep kiss, taking fistfuls of his hair to urge him closer. He took no time to do so, slotting himself easily between your thighs as he gently bit your bottom lip. It weirdly felt good to kiss Robert— his mouth was soft and warm, the small bit of mustache growing on his lip rubbing your face but you didn’t hate it. He tasted like cigars, and you broke the kiss. “Did you just smoke?” you asked, and Robert shrugged.

“I’m celebrating, my love,” he told you. His hand fell from your face to play with the edge of the bedsheet, still tugged up around your body, and you bit your lip as you batted his hand away. “You’re finally mine. Can’t a man smoke a cigar?”

“You can,” you said. “It makes you taste good, Robby.” Robert smiled. You liked that. He looked so youthful, his eyes crinkling at the corners and his high cheekbones dusting with pink.

“You haven’t called me Robby in ages,” he told you, cocking his head with a small laugh. “Not since that first time.”

“What was the first time?” you asked, and Robert laughed a little again. His hands smoothed down your covered legs, then back up, and he finally pulled the soft sheet away to slot himself easily between your thighs. It felt like he belonged there, the jut of his hips fitting into yours perfectly. It was almost as if you were made for each other.

“Well, it was around the time we started dating,” Robert said. “First time we fucked, actually. I had my head between your pretty thighs… Fuck, you were crying, if I remember right. You grabbed my hair and called me that and told me you were coming…” He paused to bite his bottom lip, and he shook his head, like he still couldn’t believe his luck. “God damn it, I fell in love with you at that exact moment.”

“The first time you made me cum?” you chuckled, and Robert rolled his eyes.

“No, silly,” he said. “Well, yes, but… You just looked so beautiful. Eyes squeezed shut, face all warm, hair everywhere. The way you said my name drove me crazy. It felt like nobody had ever called me that before. It-It really felt like an angel was saying my name. I felt it so deep in my chest, there’s no other way to explain it. You said my name, and I fell hard for you.”

Before you could really stop yourself, you said, “You should tell me how you feel.”

Robert sat up a bit, furrowing his eyebrows, and he said, “What do you mean? I am.”

You shook your head and pursed your lips as you tried to think of what exactly to say to explain yourself. “I mean… Rob, I really like you. I shouldn’t, but I do. And you obviously do too, if this is what you think about. Tell me about this.”

“I seriously don’t get what you’re saying,” Robert told you, his beautiful face still etched with confusion. His forehead was wrinkled up, his eyes narrowed, and he pursed his beautiful pink lips together.

“Act like it’s the first time,” you told him. “First time asking me out, first time telling me you like me. Do this for me, Robert. Please?”

Even though he still seemed confused, he did as you told him. “Well, umm,” he began. Both of his hands went to your thighs, and he tugged them around his waist as he pressed his dull fingernails into your skin. “I like when you bring me coffee, how you write my name on the side of it. I like how, when you pick up my dry cleaning, it sorta smells like your perfume. I like how I pretend that I don’t see you smoking on your lunch break, and how you pretend that you don’t see me doing the same… Some days, I wish I could join you and light your cigarette for you. I really like the way you come into my office to ask me something, how you lean against the doorway and cross your arms and press your head to the door. It’s really cute. And you’re so gorgeous. I’ve dreamt about you since the first day you walked into Fischer Morrow. I-I’m… Baby, I’ve already told you all of this.”

“Robby,” you pleaded, grabbing at his shoulders. “Just tell me again. Tell me now, and tell me later. Just tell me. A-And you shouldn’t worry about work. It’s a fucking stupid thing to worry about, especially when you know that the solution is right in front of you.”

“Are you feeling okay?” Robert asked. His face was scrunched as he examined you, and he cupped your cheek with his hand. “Is something wrong?”

You felt a hard thumping in your chest, like your heart was trying to burst out of your chest, and you tugged him down to kiss him again. You could recognize the solid thumping from the last time you felt it; you were waking up from the dream. You didn’t want to. You wanted to stay in it forever, if it meant you could finally have Robert the way that you wanted. You weren’t afraid to admit it anymore; you loved Robert. “Stay here with me,” you said, your mouth pressed against his. He kissed you back hungrily, his worries from before seemingly forgotten, and your hands fell from his face down to the waistband of his sweatpants. He was quick to help you shuck them off, and he moved his kisses to your neck as his fingers swiped at your cunt. “Fuck me, Robby. I need you.”

“Couldn’t stop me if you tried,” Robert said with a smile, and he took a moment to sit up. He cast his glance off to the side, to the side table next to the bed, and you put your hand on his cheek and pulled his focus back to you.

“No,” you said. “No condom. I need to feel you.”

“Are you sure?” Robert asked, and your thumping chest warmed at his reassurance. “What if—”

“I get pregnant?” you asked. “Would that be so bad?” The idea hit you like a lightning bolt, nearly knocking the breath from your throat. That was it. That was the avenue you had to take. It was right in front of you, it always had been. Guilt him. Use your newfound role as his wife to guilt him into splitting the company. “Having a little you running around? I know… I know you’re scared about it, ‘cause of your father, but you… Robert, my love, you’d be the best father, I’ll tell you that much. I know it. Y-Your father ruined you with the way he treated you; I know that you wouldn’t do that to your own son. I trust that you wouldn’t do that.”

“Fucking hell, woman,” Robert chuckled. “You know it’s so hard for me to say no to you…” He paused to pull your hips closer to his, and he pressed the burning head of his hard cock to your pussy. You didn’t look down at him; you would let that be a surprise for when you woke up. “But, God, baby. I work so much, I’d never be around for him.”

“So, don’t work as much,” you told him. You panted, making sure your tits heaved with each breath, and Robert’s blown-out eyes flicked to your tits and watched. “You hate that fucking company anyway. You should sell it or something. If it’s not yours, it’s not your problem.”

“I can’t just sell the company,” Robert whispered. “That’s— That would get me killed.”

“Split it,” you said quickly. “Only sell part of it. Sell the part that makes you wanna tear your hair out, and keep the part you’re proud of.”

“You’re the only part of Fischer Morrow I’m proud of,” Robert said, and he carefully pushed his cock into your waiting cunt. He gave a tight hiss through his teeth as his cock sank deep into you, and you grabbed his hair as you squeezed your eyes shut. The stretch of him inside you was almost excruciating, but the pain was exquisite.

“Then, just keep me,” you told him breathlessly. “Get rid of everything else. You can be there for your son, you’ll have me, you’ll be rid of that damn company… It doesn’t seem like— Fuck!” You gasped as the head of his cock nestled right into that soft nerve inside you, and he smiled like a devil. “Oh my fucking God, Robert!”

“God, you know just what to say,” your ‘husband’ told you. “I’ll talk to Uncle Peter. I’ll sell that damn company. I’ll have you, and I’ll have our son; that’s all I need. Now, be a good girl and let me fuck you to sleep.”

When you woke up, you could still taste Robert in your mouth, the cigar and faint smell of suntan lotion. You sniffled a bit and pushed your hair back, and you groggily tried to take stock of your surroundings as you sat up. You were back on the plane, Cobb and Arthur sitting around you, with Robert across the aisle from you. You felt exhausted, as if you hadn’t just been asleep for nearly ten hours, and you rubbed at your eyes with your fingers. Robert also seemed a little off, blinking slowly and playing with his suspenders. You chanced a look at Cobb, and he only raised his eyebrows as a question. You swallowed and nodded, indicating to him that you had done your job, and you tightened your jaw as you hoped and prayed that nobody else knew what you had just done. While you weren’t ashamed of it, it would certainly be a bit embarrassing if they knew.

Robert didn’t even look your way until you were on the tarmac, outside the plane. It almost seemed like he was purposefully avoiding you. You understood his predicament, though; as far as he thought, you had appeared in his dream and pleaded with him to sell the company as he fucked you. If you were in his position, you too would be trying your best to avoid him. He only spoke once you were in the back of the chauffeured car, and the door was securely closed. “Can I tell you something?” he asked, and you looked up from your planner. With a swift pen stroke, you crossed out Meeting With D. Cobb, and you capped your pen.

You wrinkled your eyebrows, and you smiled. “Confiding in me, now, are you, Mr. Fischer?” you asked, and Robert did that half-smile that he had during the dream. He licked his lips and rolled his eyes, but suddenly that cockiness disappeared. He fiddled with his cufflinks and loosened his tie and smoothed his hair back as he obviously seemed to be gathering his words, and you softly added, "Are you okay, Robert?"

“I like the way you say my name,” he told you. He lifted those damn ice-blue eyes to meet yours, and you took a deep breath. He was taking your advice. But how much would he take? “I like how you write my name on the side of my coffee cup, and how you’ll write a little smile if you’re in a good mood. I… I like whatever perfume you wear, I like smelling it on my dry cleaning when you give it to me. I like how you smoke Camels and you can never light it on the first try; whenever I see you cursing at your lighter, it makes me wish I could just light your damn cigarette for you myself. And I like how you sorta turn your head a bit when you need to ask me something, like a little puppy, almost…”

“Robert,” you said carefully. “What are you doing?”

“I…” he started, and shook his head. “It sounds stupid, but… On the plane, when I was asleep, I had this dream… You were there, a-and you told me that I should just fucking tell you how I feel about you. So I am. I really like you, a lot, a-and I was wondering if you wanted to maybe get dinner or something?”

Your lips turned up into a smile, and you pressed your hand to his knee. “I’d love to get dinner with you, Robby.”

[folklorelise]

The cadets are turned into kids and think you and Levi are their parents (2)

Here is PART 2 of this!

MASTERLIST

— You were mad at them.

Since the cadets turned into kids you were more stressed than usual – between taking care of them all, doing your paperwork in time and helping Hange with theirs, it was a lot. Adding to this, your sleeping hours were cut in half as well due to kids never sleeping. You were overwhelmed and on edge, ready to snap at any moment.

“Levi,” you called him after lunch, “can you watch over the kids for a few hours? I–.” you took a deep breath, “I just have to take a bath and rest a little bit… it won’t be long!”

“Of course, take your time.” Levi kissed your forehead before leaving your room.

Levi went to the children’s room while you went to relax a bit.

“Where’s mommy?” Eren asked when Levi came in alone.

“She’ll come later.”

“I want mommy now!” Jean shouted frowning.

“Stop whining or she won’t come here at all.” Levi told them which made them all shut up.

They continued to play together when Jean came to Levi. He struggled to climb on the couch but succeeded and sat on Levi’s lap. He turned around so he could face Levi and asked.

“When is mommy coming here?”

“I don’t know.” Levi answered calmly.

“Play with us then!” Jean pouted. “Come with us.” Jean stood on Levi’s lap when Levi ignored him.

“No. Sit down or leave.” Levi told him in a harsh tone. “No, don’t cry.” Levi’s voice softened when he saw Jean’s tears. “I’ll come and play ok? Just… don’t cry.” Levi stood up with Jean in his arms.

For a few hours, Levi had to play dolls with the kids who were really into it – imagining complex stories, doing voices etc. It was dinner time when they all started to get tired of playing.

“Where’s mommy?” Armin asked shyly.

“Aren’t you all hungry?” Levi quickly changed the subject.

“Yay!” they all shouted.

“I’ll go grab something to eat then, don’t move.” Levi ordered before leaving the room.

When Levi left the room, Eren stood up and told the others that he was going to look for you. Sasha, Connie, Mikasa and Armin were against the idea knowing that Levi would not be happy about it, then there was Jean who agreed with Eren.

“Fine, we’ll leave without you!” Eren opened the door with difficulty.

Mikasa quickly followed Eren and Jean as well as Armin because lately, Armin got the habit of following or imitating Jean. Wherever Jean went, Armin would follow – whatever Jean was doing, Armin would do the same. Jean felt irritated when Armin follow or copied him, but he never said anything. He did once – the first time – and Armin cried which made Jean felt bad and he swore never to make Armin cry again.

“Where is mommy?” Armin asked.

“I don’t know.” Eren said.

“Just go to her room.” Mikasa commented.

They all run to your room and it was not locked. You were trying to sleep in your bed after a few hours of work when you suddenly heard the kids yelling.

“Mommy!” Jean yelled, jumping in your bed.

Meanwhile, Levi immediately regretted his decision when he came back to only two kids out of six. He asked them where the rest of them went and Sasha told him that they were looking for you. Levi took them with him and directly went to your room. Armin and Mikasa were clinging onto you while Jean and Eren were shouting and jumping on the bed.

“Stop jumping on the bed or you’ll break it!” you desperately tried to stop them.

“Eren! Jean! Stop.” Levi ordered in a harsh tone which made them immediately stop. “Y/N,” Levi said more softly, “are you ok?”

“Is mommy sick?” Sasha asked.

“No.” you said.

“Then come play us!” Eren shouted.

“Stop screaming.” you warned him. “And let go of me.” you told Armin and Mikasa but none of them listened to you.

“Kids, come here and let’s go.” Levi tried.

“NO!” Eren shouted loudly, “MOMMY! Come play with us!”

“Mommy!” Jean joined Eren.

“Stop calling me that!” you shouted back which made everyone shut up, “I am not your mother so all of you… just –.” you felt tears falling down, “stop.”

“Mommy?” Mikasa whispered worried.

“I heard shouting outside.” Erwin came in. “What’s happening?” he asked worried.

“Take the kids with you.” Levi said. “And close the door please.”

Erwin did not questioned Levi’s request and took the kids with him in his office. None of the kids wanted to leave you, but Erwin easily took them in his arms. Levi walked to you and wrapped his arms around you.

“Hey, it’s ok.” Levi murmured. “Let’s sit down.”

Levi brought you to bed and sat next you and let you cry on his shoulder. He would just hold you close to him until you stopped crying.

“I feel like shit.” you sobbed. “The kids probably hate me by now too.”

“They don’t.”

“Did you hear what I said? Th-they’re kids! And I- I just yelled at them.” you lamented, “I am the worst mother ever, and they’re not even my real kids!”

“I’m sure everything will work out.”

Erwin on his way to his office with the children saw Hange and brought them with him. Erwin, with Hange’s help, tried to cheer the kids up but they would not stop crying – they wanted to be with you and Levi.

“Is mommy going to leave us?” Armin sobbed.

“No!” Erwin said quickly.

“Y/N, she loves you all very much.” Hange said. “But you have to understand that she was… mh… very tired and she had a lot of work to do.”

“And sometimes,” Erwin continued, “you just have to let that person alone.”

“We have to leave mommy?” Connie asked.

“Yes,” Hange said, “but not forever. It would just be for a day so she can rest.”

“Is mommy not going to be our mommy because we made her upset?” Jean asked shyly.

“No, of course not.” Erwin reassured them. “I’m sure she’ll come back soon.”

Erwin and Hange stayed with the kids until night before Levi came in to put them to bed. Once they cleaned up and changed, they all went to bed without protest.

“Ok, I’ll turn off the lights.” Levi walked out.

“Daddy.” Armin called him before he closed the door, “Is mommy not going to say goodnight to us?”

“She’s n –.” Levi thought about it, “I’ll go and ask her.”

Levi came back to your room and you were already laying in bed, comfortably installed under the blanket. Levi sat next to you and rested his head on your stomach.

“The kids want to see you.”

“Aren’t they upset?” you worried, putting your hand through his hair.

“No, they’re just… they want to see you.”

“I should go then.” you stood up. “I’ll be right back.” you kissed him before leaving.

You walked very quickly toward the kids room and when you opened the door, you noticed they were all still up even though the lights were off. Sasha was the first one to see you and she jumped out of the bed to hug you.

“Hey.” you smiled, kneeling down. “Aren’t you sleepy?”

“No.” Sasha smiled.

“Let’s go back to bed alright?”

You sat down on the bed next to all the kids – they were all staring at you, waiting for you to talk first.

“I’m sorry about what happened earlier.” you apologised. “I should never have yelled at you kids.”

“Don’t stop being my mommy please.” Eren frowned.

“We’re sorry mommy.” Jean said with teary eyes.

“No don’t be.” you comforted them, “I love you all very much.” you smiled.

You opened your arms and they all came to hug you, smiling and happy.

— They sleep between you two — captain dad and squad leader mum.

Armin:

Armin had a nightmare about you leaving for an expedition and not coming back to him. He had Levi coming back devastated and not talking to him or anyone. A stranger – someone from your squad – had to tell him the news that you were never coming back. He woke up panicked and ran to your room. You and Levi agreed that the doors to your room would always be opened if there were any problems.

“Mommy! Daddy!” Armin came in crying.

“Armin?” Levi woke up. “Hey what’s wrong?” he put Armin between you too.

“What’s wrong?” you asked still half asleep.

“Mommy!” Armin cried next to you which woke you up instantly.

“What happened?” you panicked. “Armin, it’s ok.” you patted his head, “I’m here.”

“You didn’t come back.” Armin sobbed.

“What?” you whispered looking at Levi.

“I don’t know.” Levi mouthed.

“Armin,” you wiped his tears away, “what happened?”

“Bad dream.” Armin sobbed harder. “You were n-not here and daddy was s-sad! An-and he wasn’t w-with me!”

“Armin, it’s ok.” you reassured him, “I’m here and daddy’s here too.”

Levi laid on the bed and put Armin next to him. You took the blanket and put it on the three of you and soon enough, Armin calmed down and fell back asleep. In the morning, Armin was found to be sleeping on top of Levi, with his hand resting on Armin’s back so he would not fall.

“This is too much for my heart.” you whispered to yourself.

Jean:

Jean had been feeling slightly sick for the past couple of days but did not tell anyone. He stayed in bed when it was time to eat dinner and you were worried at first which made you bring him dinner but he was asleep already. You brought back the tray and gave it to the kids who were not against the idea of eating more.

Jean woke up in the middle of the night, still slightly sick and extremely hungry. He discreetly go out of bed and went to your room. When Jean came in, he noticed lights were still on – Levi was still awake, probably working.

“Daddy?” Jean asked timidly. Which startled Levi.

“What are you still doing up at this hour?” Levi whispered, scared to wake you up.

“I’m hungry.” Jean admitted.

“Come here.” Levi put away his papers.

Levi took him in his arms and put him on the bed between you two which woke you up.

“Mh. What’s wrong?” you mumbled.

Jean turned his head toward Levi so he could answer for him.

“Jean’s hungry.” Levi said.

“Mh – I’m up.” you dragged yourself out of bed slowly. “I’m going to bring you some food alright?” you patted Jean’s head and noticed his forehead was a little hot. “Are you sick Jean?” you asked worried.

“No.” Jean answered.

“Jean, don’t lie. Are you sick?” Levi asked again.

“I don’t know.” Jean said looking at his hands playing with the blanket.

“Jean,” you said softly, “it’s ok. I’ll go and bring some hot tea too alright?”

You went to the kitchen and prepared some food and started to boil some water as well. You took two cups – one for Jean and another for Levi - and poured some water in it with the tea leafs. You put the smashed potatoes and the vegetables on a plate and put everything on a tray before going back to your room. Levi started to feed Jean while you prepared a cold towel for Jean.

“Jean, what did you forget earlier?” Levi said when you came back.

“Thank you mommy!” Jean smiled.

“You’re welcome baby.” you smiled back.

When Jean finished eating, Levi offered to cleaned it up while you put Jean to sleep. You thanked him and went back to bed. You put the cold towel on Jean’s forehead and laid next to him.

“You can sleep now.” you rest your hand on Jean stomach.

“Good night mommy.”

“Good night.”

“Good night daddy!” Jean said when Levi came back to bed.

Eren:

Just like Armin, Eren had a nightmare that night. When he first woke up, he tried to go back to sleep because he did not want to bother you nor Levi. But after thirty minutes of trying, he went to your bedroom. This time, both of you were asleep.

Eren hesitated a second about whether he should wake you up or not. He quickly decided not to and laid on the floor. Levi woke up not too long after Eren came in because he was thirsty. He only noticed Eren’s presence when he came back from the kitchen.

“Y/N.” Levi whispered

“Mmh?”

“Eren’s on the ground.”

“Mh.” you mumbled, “What?” you asked again a minutes later – your eyes wide open.

“Look.” Levi pointed at Eren.

“What is he doing on the ground?”

“I don’t know.”

“Bring him here.” you told Levi.

“You do it.” Levi argued.

“I’ll wake him up.”

“And I won’t?”

“You never did when I used to fell asleep in your office.” you reminded him.

“Fine.”

Levi miraculously brought Eren on the bed without waking him up and put him between you two. During the night, Eren ended up on Levi’s left side meaning Levi was in the middle. While he had his arms around Eren – so he would not fall – you had yours around Levi.

— Sasha and Connie would often sneak out and sleep with you and Levi.

— Mikasa never did. When she had nightmares she would only hug her teddy bear closer. She was scared to bother you. Once she did wake Sasha up and slept closer to her.

——————————

Shorter Stories

— Mikasa was known to be always quiet – she was afraid to bother people especially you or Levi. Even when she was hurt, she would stay quiet. Once during a meeting, she accidentality cut herself with a piece of paper. It was Eren, ten minutes later who had to tell you.

“Next time, you tell me immediately ok?” you told Mikasa as you cleaned the cut.

“I’m sorry.”

“What for?”

“You had to leave for me.” Mikasa explained.

“You are more important than the meeting, so next time just tell me alright?”

Mikasa only nodded and followed you back to the meeting.

— Jean is known to be a momma’s boy – he would always stay with you and play with you rather than Levi. He often cried when you had to leave without them. He loved to be held by you, he knew how to walk perfectly, but he would rather stay with you.

“Stop spoiling him.” Levi would often say to you.

“I can’t help it. Jean is adorable!”

When others were watching over the kids, you were the one Jean would be asking for, not Levi which surprised you when Hange came because Jean hurt himself while playing.

“Jean’s at the infirmary – nothing serious though!” Hange quickly added.

“I’ll go.” you stood up.

“Mh…” Hange stopped you, “he asked for Levi.”

“Are you sure?” you asked them.

“Yes.”

“Oh,” you gasped dramatically, “did you hear that?”

“What?” Levi asked ready to leave.

“My heart being broken by that kid.” you threw yourself back to bed.

When Jean got better, he immediately came back to you. You tried to be mad at Jean – in a playful way – but when you saw him nearly crying, you apologised and let him stay with you.

— The kids were staying with you in the morning, and it was decided that Levi would watch them after lunch because you had work to do with your squad. You were holding Eren in your arms and he refused to let go of you when Levi arrived.

“I want to stay with mommy please!” Eren cried holding onto you.

“Eren,” you calmed him down, “I will be back really quick, I promise.”

“Noo!” Eren cried as Levi took him.

Eren was desperately trying to hold your arms, but Levi was swift. Eren leaned over and grabbed your hair and pulled it which made you scream and lose your balance.

“Eren!” Levi yelled putting him down. “Y/N, are you ok?” he knelt down.

“I’m fine.” you reassured him, “it’s ok.”

“Mommy?” Eren hesitated.

“Eren,” Levi started, “go to your room with the others.” but Eren did not move, “right now!” Levi ordered.

“Levi.” you put your hands on his face, “I’m ok.” you turned to Eren who was now crying silently. “Eren, it’s ok, I’m fine.”

“’M sorry mommy!”

“It’s ok, now go with daddy and listen to him ok?”

Eren nodded and took Levi’s hand and left.

“Sorry daddy.” Eren sobbed.

“Mh.” Levi answered. “Don’t ever do that again am I clear?”

“Never!”

——————————

Short HCs:

— Sasha’s birthday happened that year when they were still kids. You all baked a cake together.

— Connie would often draw pictures of you all as a family during meetings.

— Erwin loved staying with the kids. He would often put them to bed.

— Hange loved the kids too – they would always play with them outside with Moblit, Mike and Nanaba.

PART 3 (coming soon)

[ptergwen]

I can't stop thinking about sleepy!peter. This is a request please anything with a sleep-deprived dorky peter

oof i made this kinda long by accident 😭 pls enjoy <3

-

“five more minutes, mr. stark. just… five minutes,” peter murmurs to tony and shrugs his hand off of him. after arriving at the tower straight from school, he’d done his usual training session and a last minute cram session for what tony guesses is a history test. he drifted off somewhere in between everything.

if you ever think your schedule is packed, you haven’t seen peter’s.

tony sighs when his protégé still doesn’t budge. he’s at the kitchen table, passed out on a stack of textbooks.

“up and at ‘em, kid. wouldn’t you rather sleep in, i don’t know, your own bed?” tony proposes instead. it earns him a childish pout and head shake from peter. “i wanna sleep in y/n’s. want her cuddles.” he quirks an eyebrow at the mention of his daughter. “oh? you two are in the sleepover stage?” “have been for a while,” peter corrects him, nuzzling his cheek against the textbook.

why wouldn’t you tell tony that? it’s not like he doesn’t know you’re together, and he was bound to find out eventually. you and peter do live under his roof. teenagers and their privacy.

grabbing peter’s shoulder, tony yanks him back into a sitting position. “tell you what, i’ll take you up to y/n if you promise me you’ll get some sleep.” peter begins to protest, and barely gets out a but before tony interrupts. “real sleep. crashing while you analyze the declaration of independence hardly counts.”

peter lazily blinks his eyes open, rubbing the exhaustion out of them while he speaks. “as much as i want to, mr. stark… i…” he yawns his words out. “i should really get back to work.” just like that, he’s awake. tony has to admit that his commitment is impressive. impressive, but not good for him. “kid, it’s late. when’s that test of yours, anyway?” he asks peter, whose shoulders slump. “uh, tomorrow.”

“bedtime it is, then. that genius brain of yours could use a break before the big day ahead,” tony decides and successfully helps peter out of the kitchen chair. “you think i’m a genius?” peter smiles shyly, letting tony lead him to the staircase. “who doesn’t? i doubt you even needed the all nighter you were gonna pull.” his jaw slightly dropping, peter follows next to tony. “how did you know i-“ “i know everything,” he simply insists.

there’s a beat of silence, then tony inquires some more. “except that you apparently canoodle with my daughter every night. since when does that happen?” the two of them continue trudging up the stairs. peter grins once again as he thinks of you. “started before we were dating, actually. it’s nothing bad, though.” he shrugs a shoulder. “we just, like, spoon each other.”

“ah, you’re into the classics. me and pep are the same.” a fond smirk pulls at tony’s lips. “she’s the big spoon.” “i figured,” peter chuckles back, tony scrunching his face up in mock offense. “and why’s that?” “oh, come on. it’s no secret pepper wears the pants,” peter teases his mentor while they make their way down the hall. “you’re much nicer unconscious,” tony remarks.

the two of them reach your room finally, peter letting out a long breath. your door is cracked open, in case peter wanted to stop by. he can see you at your desk with a dim light on next to you. another grin crossing his features, him and tony watch you scribble something in a notebook.

tony knocks on the doorframe and peaks his head into your room. “special delivery,” he announces, you cocking your head to the side curiously. “what is it?” your dad answers by pushing open the door to reveal peter. peter gives you a small wave. “oh,” you bite back a smile, getting up from your seat. “just what i ordered. how’d you know?”

“kid fell asleep studying. the only way i could get him up was to bring him here,” tony explains, clapping peter on the back. “he was asking for you. your cuddles, specifically.” “thanks, mr. stark. i think she gets it,” peter says through clenched teeth. you laugh softly at his forced confession. “it’s okay, pete. i was waiting for you to come.” he rubs one of his pink tinted cheeks.

“we’ll discuss this in the morning, young lady,” tony playfully scolds you. “for now, why don’t you kids head off to dreamland. pete’s got a test tomorrow.” peter presses his lips together, you walking up to him. “i‘ve got him, dad. thank you for being cool about us.” you take peter’s hands with a nod at tony, him ruffling your hair.

“night, y/n/n. hands stay above the waist, parker,” tony meets his eyes for emphasis. “understood,” peter mumbles and threads his fingers through yours. “night.” satisfied in that, tony leaves and closes the door behind him. he sticks around for a few seconds, hearing you chastise peter about fixing his sleep schedule. your dad walks away with a smile on his face.

“you’re supposed to get a good night’s sleep before a test, by the way,” you remind peter while he changes into pajamas. he’s left a few things here for whenever he sleeps over, as tony called it. “which i’m about to do. i have the world’s best snuggler for a girlfriend.” peter pulls up his flannel bottoms, coming towards the bed. you’re sitting at the edge of it.

“you also have to eat a good breakfast. that means no poptarts and chocolate milk,” you beam knowingly, peter flopping down onto his back and your comforter. “they make healthy ones now, y/n/n. bruce just bought them,” he protests and tries to reach for you. you look at him over your shoulder. “so?” “so, he’s a doctor. i trust him.” a yawn slips out of peter. he keeps his eyes closed after this one.

“i wouldn’t take nutrition advice from the hulk, but ok,” you concede and lay down next to your sleepy boyfriend. “how was your day? besides the studying.” your voice drops to a whisper, peter’s arms winding around your middle. “not bad, just busy. i did some sparring with sam.” he pulls you closer to him and hides his face in your neck. “he beat me, obviously.” giggling quietly, you cradle the back of his head with one hand.

“school?” you wonder and tangle your fingers in his unkempt locks. “good, ‘cuz you were there.” he places a few kisses to your skin, and you can feel his lips curve into a smile. your leg drapes around his waist. “very smooth.” “it’s true,” peter whines and tightens his grip on you. “just knowing you’re around somewhere makes me happy.” humming, you keep combing your fingers through his hair. “you’re the cutest. go to bed, petey.”

peter easily gives in. “mm, whatever you say. g’night, lovey.” you kiss his hair lightly in response. his breathing doesn’t take long to even out, and he’s soon fast asleep while cuddled up next to you.

tony was right, as per usual. peter’s genius brain really did need a break.

[nagito-kissmaeda]

if it isn't real, why does the sun still burn?

Chapter masterlist

Komaeda Nagito x Talentless!Reader

Summary : Like most people visiting this tag. You have always dreamed of meeting Nagito Komaeda for real, what you would do, what you would say? Things don’t go as planned.

AKA: Reader from our universe ends up in danganronpa and is just trying her best to keep everyone alive. and maybe to make komaeda kiss her.

Contains: she/her pronouns, EXPLICIT NSFW CONTENT, panic attack ment read on AO3

Komaeda looks very peaceful when he’s asleep. 

You probably should be sleeping yourself instead of watching, but despite your exhaustion from the previous day spent stressing about things to come, sleep just isn't happening. The couch isn't uncomfortable , it’s a little short for you, but you sleep curled up anyway so it isn't a big deal. The main problem is just how much it smells like Komaeda in this damn room. 

He told the rest of the class that you were going to be staying in his cottage. That would have been over ten hours ago now, back at breakfast. He neglected to give you much in the way of specifics, but from what he did tell you. It sounds like the reactions were a mixed bag. Koizumi apparently seemed relieved that you wouldn't be tied up on the floor anymore, which was comforting to hear, but you doubt that her reaction was shared with the more paranoid types like Souda and Togami. There’s a tapping noise against the window and you try to bury your face in the pillow and just ignore it.    Jabberwock island is hot as ever, a bead of sweat drips down between your shoulder blades as you curl into the couch and squeeze your eyes shut.    The tapping becomes more insistent, and you huff into the pillow. There's rustling outside in the bushes, so you slowly sit up and turn to face the window, too scared to make a noise.   “She’s not waking up!” A voice hisses, startling you, “How are we going to do this without alerting Komaeda?”    Oof. No honourific, bad sign. 

“Have no fear! Ibuki has idea!” Mioda stage whispers, still managing to be louder than most normal speaking voices. 

You are very much awake now, though still worried that too much movement could wake Komaeda at any moment. So you stay still and hope whatever the two outside are planning is quiet   “Shh, Mioda-san! We can’t risk waking him up!” You now recognise the voice as Hanamura, he sounds frightened, “who knows what he’ll do to her.”   “A-Ok! I can sing a high pitched note that boys can’t hear!”    Mioda sucks in a deep breath, and you manage to leap from the couch and push the blinds out of the way before she lets the note loose.   “It’s okay!” You hiss, “I’m awake, please no singing!”    Mioda squeals when she sees you, but Hanamura claps a hand over her mouth just in time.    “Are you alright?” He asks, “He hasn’t hurt you?”    “Oh. I’m fine— really I am.”    He sighs, relieved, “I was so worried. It would have been all my fault if something terrible happened, I knew he was planning something but I didn’t say anything.”   Komaeda shifts a little, and the three of you freeze. You peek at him from the corner of your eye, he’s still fast asleep, “Move around to the front of the cottage” you whisper, “We’re going to wake him up if we keep talking like this.”   “Okay, yeah. Good idea.” Hanamura replies, his hand still clamped firmly over Mioda’s mouth, “We’ll meet you there.”   As the two of them start walking away from the window, you gingerly let the venetian blinds drop back down, being careful not to let them rattle against the window frame. Then you turn on your heel and start tip-toeing your way over to the door. Komaeda whimpers in his sleep and rolls around to face you, his brow is furrowed and his cheek is covered in marks from the creases on his pillowcase. Your heart is trying to force its way up into your throat.    He’s pretty.   You shake your head and continue to the door, a little faster but still just as quietly. Komaeda has left his keys on a hook just by the door, so you grab them and tuck them into the pocket of your pajama shorts. The ocean air is cold and refreshing when you step out of the cottage, carefully letting the door fall closed behind you.   Mioda and Hanamura are also in their sleeping clothes. Hanamura’s matching set is covered in cinnamon rolls, Mioda is wearing an oversized band shirt that reaches down to her mid thigh, her usual hairstyle forgone for a simple ponytail.    “Cuuuuute jammies!” Mioda exclaims when you step fully into view.     Your cheeks begin to burn, and you fiddle with the hem of your shorts, “Oh, um. Thanks?” you cough, “anyway, was there something important you needed to talk to me about?”   Hanamura balks at you, “Obviously! We need to talk about your new murderous roommate!”   “Oh ya.” Mioda says, tapping the side of her nose, “I totes forgot that was why we were here.” she clasps her hands behind her back and bounces on her toes, “Ibuki heard everything at the party! You aren’t guilty of anything! Zip! Zilch! Nada! No comprende!”    You had…entirely forgotten about Mioda’s powerful hearing. You had been so focussed on stopping Komaeda and saving both Hanamura and Togami that so many of the finer details had escaped you.    “Mioda-san and I are going to try and see if anyone else in the class noticed anything. There must be some way we can clear your name” Hanamura’s usually soft expression turns stern, “And hopefully get Komaeda locked up instead-”   “Oh! Uh! You don’t have to do that!” You say, jumping to Komaeda’s defense a little too quickly, “Komaeda-san he’s not- uh…he’s-”   What are you doing? How are you supposed to explain that Komaeda really isn't that bad and that he’s just got a bunch of weird ideals and a cocktail of mental illnesses without sounding like you’re absolutely insane? He almost caused a murder, whether he died himself or he ended up doing the killing it would have started the horrible killing game that Monokuma is running and yet-   “He won’t hurt me. I’m okay.”    Hanamura frowns, “You don’t know that. You didn’t see him the afternoon before the party, knife in hand and just--just laughing to himself.”   “We can’t fight anymore, Hanamura-san.” You say quietly, “This is what they want. Whoever is running this killing game wants to drive us apart and force us to fight and kill. Komaeda-san…he just…” You laugh a little, pushing your hair away from your face, “He needs someone to look after him - he won't try anything again, I promise.”   “If he does try anything though, Ibuki will kick his skinny ass!” Mioda demonstrates with a high kick that almost gets Hanamura square in the noggin’.   Hanamura just barely dodges the kick and takes a step towards you, nervously holding one of your hands between both of his, “I don’t understand why you trust him…but, I guess I’ll have to follow your judgment for now” He inclines his head in Mioda’s direction, “Mioda-san and I will keep an eye on you, and try to convince the others that you had nothing to do with the knife. If you don’t want us to push the blame onto Komaeda, we won’t.” he averts his eyes, “Even if he deserves it.”   “Thank you. Both of you.” You let out a relieved sigh, “We really need to focus our efforts on getting off this island, I’ll handle Komaeda-san, you guys just focus on yourselves for now, okay?”   Hanamura sighs, “Before we go, I have something for you.” He slings a satchel off his shoulder that you hadn’t noticed, “I don’t know how well that guy is feeding you, so here’s some more food. I’ll come by in a day or so with more.” He gives you a warm smile, “Take care of yourself.”   After saying goodbye to both of them, you speak back inside the cottage and close the door behind yourself before hanging the key back up on the hook. You only make it halfway back to the couch before you’re caught.   “Did you have fun out there?”    You whirl around to see Komaeda, still in bed but very much awake. The blanket is tucked under his chin and his hair is a mess, but his eyes are calculated and clear like he was never even asleep.   Your breath catches in your throat, “You--You were awake the whole time?” He chuckles, “Of course. I’m a very light sleeper.” his lips curl in a mischievous smile, “Do you really trust me as much as you say? I don’t take you for a liar, but I have done nothing worthy of such unwavering faith.”   “I’m just trying to keep everyone safe, that’s all.”    His eyes dip down to the expanse of your thigh revealed by your sleep shorts, but he quickly clears his throat and turns away, “Admirable, to be sure.” his eyes meet yours again, and there's a saccharine smile on his lips, “I have little concern with you talking things over with the others, so there’s no need to be so secretive next time.” he sighs, “It’s not as if i have a good reputation among the other ultimates anyway. I’m hardly worth their time.”   You swallow, dithering in the middle of the room before breathing, “I find that hard to believe”  *** “So, ya gonna tell me what got your panties in  a twist? Or do ya want me to guess?”    You jump up from where you were sitting on the couch. You had once again spent most of the day cooped up inside Komaeda’s cottage just…thinking. Sonia had stopped by to check on you and affirm that she didn’t believe you had done anything wrong, but other than that, it had just been you and Komaeda.   And now, Monokuma.   You groan, “What do you want?”    The bear giggles, and starts making himself comfortable on Komaeda’s bed. Komaeda himself is in the shower, you can still hear the water running and doubt he has even noticed the unexpected guest.   “You're in love with him. Aren't you?”   You blink, “What…?” “That kooky guy, the freakazoid. Ya know, Komaeda-kuuuuuun~” Monokuma leans forward, cupping his face in his hands, “I saw you ogling him when he came to feed you. I bet you were hungry for more than just food, huh?”    “Sh--Shut up…” You say, turning to face away from Monokuma, and trying not to look at the bathroom door either.   “Upupupu! I've struck a nerve? How deeeeelightful!! Is this what your despair is? Being trapped here with the man you love and have loved for years, but in order for him to live, you have to stop existing? You know that right? That just like little ol’ me, the end of this program means the end of you. What delicious despair, I'm almost jealous of you!”   You freeze, heart thumping loudly in your chest, “Wait, you…you know, don’t you?”   “‘Course I do, kiddo! You’re not supposed to be here!” He jumps down from the bed and clamors up on the coffee table, struggling a little with his stubby little legs, “I’m hanging out in the source code, remember? You just look like a screwed up mess from in here, no offense.” he laughs again, “There ain’t a single system in place for you, like i said, the Neo World program goes, and you go with it.” You’d always sort of assumed that would be the case, you don’t have a place in the real world here. Either you’ll just stop existing or go back to your own world and it’s impossible to know which. The fact that you are being forced to mull it over though, that makes your anxiety kick back up.   “Just stop, okay! Leave me alone!” You exclaim, turning and crossing the room with every intention of leaving out the front door.   “I can help you. If you want. I'm sure you already know my grand plan, to use the dead bodies of these people as vessels for myself, but I don't need all of them. If you kill someone, if you beat the trial, I can save him for you. This can be your own special little motive.”   You stop, hand on the doorknob and turn back to face Monokuma, “Wh--what do you mean, save him?”   “Oh it's not that confusing! Komaeda-Kun doesn't get executed, and you win the killing game, meaning that you get to leave. Since you don't have a body of your own, you can borrow one, any one you want, I don't mind.”   Your breath is slow and even, horrifically normal despite the insane thing Monokuma is suggesting.   “You can finally have the killer body you've always wanted.” He says, tracing a set of imaginary curves down his sides, “You can finally be beautiful! Owari has great tits, you could be her, or you could have Pekoyama’s thighs, or Mioda’s voice. Or…….”    Monokuma leans in, and you can picture the smile on enoshima’s face, “I could put you in Hinata-kun. Would you like that?”    “SHUT UP” You cry out, fists clenching at your sides.   “I’ve seen the way Komaeda follows him around like a lost puppy. You’re jealous aren’t you?” The bear points a stubby paw in your direction, “So, take Hinata’s body, and you could do whatever you want to Komaeda. Kissing, fucking, the works. It doesn't bother me-”   “STOP”   “Hm. Well, the option is always there. Like I said, you're own special little motive. Bye-onara for now, I'll keep in touch”   Monokuma vanishes into thin air, and you are left alone in the room. Breath heaving, tears beading in your eyes.   What the fuck was that? What does Enoshima think she is playing at?    You gulp in a shaky breath of air, struggling to use your lungs without breaking into a sob. You’d always figured that Monokuma knew exactly what you were up to, that’s kind of his whole deal. So that revelation wasnt a surprising one, but the fact that Enoshima can literally see the garbled code that comprises of your meager existence is fucked up, your just a line of faulty script. Deletable, broken.    “Are you okay?” Komaeda asks gently when he comes out from the bathroom, his hair is extra fluffy from the blow dryer, “I thought I heard arguing, but I wasn't exactly in an appropriate state of dress to interrupt.”   You sniff, rubbing your eyes with the heel of your palm to keep back the tears you can feel are waiting to make an appearance, “Yeah, um. Just had a visit from the bear . Little bastard he is.”   “Ah.”   “Yeah.” You laugh bitterly, taking a seat on the bed, “I’m fine though. Nothing important happened, he was just…bothering me.”   That. And now all you can think about is the next motive must be coming soon, probably even tomorrow. What other reason would Monokuma have for visiting? If not to gauge how everyone is holding together and if they need another push . You chew on a thumbnail, just hoping that the next motive will still be the arcade game because then at least you can get out there and beat it before anyone else. You aren’t sure if Monokuma would let you tamper with it, so you might just need to sit there until-   “You’re stressed.” Komaeda says, it isn’t a question, it’s a definitive statement.   You giggle, shocked to be so quickly ripped from your train of thought, “I am.” You reply, staring down at the floor instead of meeting his eyes “I’m not…I’m not meant to do this. I have to but I’m just-“ you stiffen a little, realizing that you’re getting far too personal, “sorry. I shouldn’t complain.”   Komaeda hums, taking a few steps towards you. His hair smells like coconut shampoo, “I did tell you I was willing to help. If you’re stressed, I’m sure you can find some way to make use of me.”    You dismiss his offer with a wave of your hand, “thanks, but uh…the anxiety is permanent. Not much you can do for that.”    He walks even further forward, until he is standing just inches away from you, “I’m…ah…quite certain I know at least one way to help, a little.” He drops to his knees, “if you would like my help, that is.”    Your heart stops   There’s no way. There’s no fucking way that he is offering what you think he is. This is impossible, you’re dreaming, you're dead, maybe it’s just Monokuma pulling a sick prank somehow. Anything is more likely than…than…    Komaeda reaches out a hand, resting it on top of your knee and slowly edging your thighs open.   You can’t stop shaking, your breath is coming hard and fast-   “Do you want me to keep going?” He breathes and every part of you is screaming YES YES YES    you scrunch your eyes shut, because you know that he’s just trying to be helpful. He doesn’t actually like you, does he? He sees that you're stressed and he wants to help, do you really want to take advantage of him? You open your eyes again, ready to turn him down, to be the bigger person for once in your pathetic life.   His tongue darts out to wet his lower lip   And any resolve you may have had, shatters.     “Please…” you whimper, in a voice so delicate that it almost feels like it isn’t your own, “keep going…”    You’re wearing one of your many sundresses, so there is little between Komaeda and your skin. His hands are big on your thighs when he slowly pushes the dress up and over your hips, he lets out a sigh, and gently brushes a line up the front of your panties with a knuckle.    “Ngh!”    He chuckles when your hips stutter forward into his touch, he does it again. Firmer. You clutch tightly to the bed sheets as the roiling waves of pleasure lance through you, chin bowed to your chest and mouth hanging open.    Komaeda wraps his bony fingers around the waistband of your panties, “Lift up.”   “Oh, uh, yeah.” You lift up your hips so he can tug your panties over them, and the nerves reawaken in your chest, “Komaeda, are you sure-”   He is touching you again, his head resting against your left thigh as his thumb lazily circles your bare clit. You almost yelp, and he smirks, “Your panties are cute, by the way. I did notice.”   The knuckle of his index finger presses against your entrance, firm enough that you can feel the taste of penetration, but not enough that it satisfies . He likes to tease, of course he does. His thumb is still rubbing hot, tantalizing circles around your swollen clit all while he looks up at you with those lazy eyes.    Then, he removes his hand, shuffling in closer between your thighs. You can feel his warm breath on your bare skin, he wraps one arm around your left leg, clamping his fingers into the soft skin of your thigh.   Your other knee is bouncing erratically, you can't stop it.    Komaeda lifts up his free hand and rests it on your bouncing knee. Rubbing gentle circles until it stops moving, “Shh…” he whispers against your sex, “Relax for me, okay?”   You suck a breath in through your teeth, “Okay...okay…”    The moment hangs in the air, nervous and shaky, before his head descends and he presses a warm kiss against your clit. You let out an airy sigh, thighs shaking on either side of his head. Komaeda reads your reaction, and avoids your clit for now, correctly realizing that you are still far too sensitive. He instead switches to dragging his tongue slowly up between your folds, teasing you with the occasional dip into your entrance. His hands are ever present, gripping tightly to your thighs as he devours you.   Every swipe of his tongue up the length of your cunt brings out another wave of guilt. You don’t even know where your relationship with him lies and you just let him do this to you, and so quickly too.    He circles your entrance, pushing inside just enough that you feel it.   This is too good. For something you shouldn't be doing, it's just too good . He barely knows you, he tried to get himself murdered just a few days ago and now he’s tongue fucking you like it never even happened. You squeeze your eyes shut, moans and whimpers escaping your mouth while all you can think about is how you shouldn’t have said yes .   Then his lips wrap around your clit, and the part of your brain that is always worrying, just turns off .   You toss your head back in a moan, rolling your hips forward into his awaiting mouth and bury one hand in his hair   It’s soft . Softer than you’d ever imagined, and god had you imagined.   Komaeda’s mouth is hot and warm, alternating between sucking and circling your swollen clit with his tongue, following your moans and repeating what makes you scream. He drops one of your legs, two long fingers pushing inside of you all the way to the second knuckle as he licks back and forth, just teasing you with the tip of his tongue before pressing hard against you with the flat of it.    His fingers curl up and you yelp.   He pulls back just a little, and says with a laugh, “There you are” before pulling your clit back between his lips, curling his fingers over and over, pressing firmly against the perfect spot every single time. You feel him laugh again, and look down to see his eyes peering up at you from over the curve of your belly. He watches in adoration as he pushes in a third finger and you cry out in ecstasy.    Your fingers are nowhere near that long, that dexterous.    Every touch is a shot straight to your core, hips grinding sinfully against his face and near crying with each suck of your clit. Komaeda is moaning now, your own noises so loud that you had barely noticed, but it's true, he’s enjoying this too. Whimpering and groaning as he buries himself between your thighs, sobbing when your legs tighten around him.    “Can you come for me?” He asks, voice gentle and perfect even as his fingers fuck you with perfect precision. His tongue returns to you, licking in delicate circles.   “Y--Yes…” You whine, tugging hard enough on his hair that he moans again.    His fingers move faster, building atop the crescendo that is already growing deep inside you. Hot searing pleasure that makes it feel like you might go supernova with just one more touch. His eyes meet yours again, “Do it, please. Come on my tongue, please .”   “I---I---I--ah!” You struggle to speak as he presses his tongue against you again, firmly all hot and wet and his fingers curl up into that perfect shape that has you absolutely shattering. Your legs shake and your hips grind as you let out a cry without abandon.    It takes a moment for you to catch your breath. Head lolling back as your breath heaves and the warmth in your chest blooms out to the rest of your body. When you finally have the energy to look back down, Komaeda is sitting back on his heels, peering up at you with a smile.    “Feeling better?”

[letarasstuff]

Unbreakable Bond

(A/N): This is based on this post and this tiktok

Summary: A big age gap between Aaron's children doesn't have to mean that they are unable to form a strong bond

Warnings: Mentions of Haley's death and failed relationships

Wordcount: 1.8k

✨Masterlist✨

_________________________________

His life took turns Aaron never expected. It’s not the “Oh, mh, well that was unexpected”-type of turns, I talk about the “God played Cards Against Humanity with angels and decided to make it happen for someone”-type. But looking back he would not want to change a thing.

After Haley and Beth he was convinced that God, the Universe, something out there shared the opinion that romantic love isn’t the right thing for him and Aaron accepted that fact. Even more when he and Jack went into witness protection. I mean, when you are worried about the life of your family being in danger because of a stalker, you don’t think about the beautiful neighbor, who lives next door, right? Right?

Well, without going into too much detail, Hotch did think about her and she about him and vice versa. Everything went good until Aaron received the message that the team found the stalker and that it was safe to come back. He decided to come clean to his girlfriend. They talked about the possibility of moving back to Quantico.

In the end they decided in favor of the move, the final argument was the surprising announcement of her being pregnant. Hotch wants to raise their youngest where his and Jack’s roots are located. But he decides against taking a position at the BAU, instead taking a desk job in order to be more at home. He also has the opportunity to work from home after little (Y/N) was born and continues to do so until she is old enough to go to Kindergarten. Even then he takes two days the week where he stays home. Aaron learned from his decisions and mistakes he made in the past and wants to live up to them and be a better father and husband than before.

And Hotch keeps it to this day, six years later. It’s (Y/N)’s first day of school, while Jack just graduated high school and goes off to college in a few weeks. Even though they have an age gap from twelve and a half years, their parents are sure there are no other siblings with such a strong bond.

Ever since his baby sister’s birth Jack is her biggest supporter, protector and friend. Her first word was his name, though it was more of a “ACK!”, but that’s the best nickname he ever got. As soon as (Y/N) was old enough to comprehend the concept of movies, he introduced her to Star Wars. Since then lightsaber wars out of cardboard pipes are not uncommon. Last Halloween they even dressed up as Chewbakka and Han Solo. You get three guesses on who was who.

“JACK!” (Y/N) runs into her big brother’s room with an excited expression on her face. “Daddy promised to buy me a real lightsaber after I read ten books! With lights and sounds and all! Isn’t that cool?” Jack smiles. Aaron did a similar thing with him. For a certain amount of books he got a reward they discussed beforehand. This way he felt motivated to read and improved writing and reading skills.

“This is awesome. I think that means we have to go book shopping together, what do you think?” (Y/N) is not only the cool kid that has an older brother, she is also the cool kid, whose older brother has a drivers license, a car and a part time job. She nods with big eyes, speechless, because the offer sounds like heaven to her. Getting books and one on one time with Jack after he was really busy with school for weeks? This has to be heaven.

“Ok, then you put your outside clothes on and I’ll tell Dad about our plan.” At that the little girl rushes to her room, not wanting to waste any more time. Jack makes his way down to the kitchen, where Aaron wipes the table from lunch down.

“Dad, I take (Y/N) to this bookstore in DC and we’ll probably go eat ice cream after that. Is that alright?” Hotch looks up at his son. It still feels like yesterday as he told Haley that Gideon is a big no as a baby name. Now he is all grown up and just a few weeks away from the next big chapter in his life.

“Of course, just let me get my wall-” Jack cuts him off. “No need, I want to use this as a kind of goodbye thing. At least until Thanksgiving.” Aaron knows what he means. It’s his last day before he goes off to college and just a couple more until the first classes begin. The family still hasn’t told their youngest exactly what’s going on. Else she would refuse to go to school and go on with her day, insisting on using all the time they have until Jack drives off.

Two hours later the siblings leave the bookstore, both of them having a bag in their hands. Of course Jack's heavier, but both he and the cashier assured (Y/N) that they lift the same amount of weight.

“Uncle Spence will be excited when I tell him that I read Harry Potter, he told me so many good things about it”, the girl gushes. Jack nods, indicating that he is listening. Of course they also picked books that are not that advanced. Still, no sister of his shall grow up without knowing the beauty of the wizarding world. Also, secretly he is hoping for her to turn out as nerdy as he is so they get more things to talk about. His next step is superheroes, especially the Marvel ones.

They converse until they get to an ice cream parlor and order both their usuals. “Do you think you are ready for me to tell you something important?” The older one asks after they sit down at a table. (Y/N) nods, confusion taking over her face.

“Uhm, you know how I graduated from high school? I’m done with school, but I want to get a degree, but for that I have to go to college. It’s pretty far away so I can’t come home for a few months. But I’m back home when Thanksgiving is and also for Christmas.” It doesn’t matter what Jack says, a sad frown has formed on the little one’s face. “Oh. And after Christmas, will you leave again?” He nods and explains when he is off from college and when not.

“We can always skype and write letters. How does that sound? And when you get your first phone, we can even text.” That (Y/N) lights up a bit. For her first year of school she got a stationary set and is eager to use it to this day.

“I’m going to miss you so much”, she says hugging her big brother. Jack pats her back. “I’ll miss you, too.”

The goodbye the next day is a heartfelt matter. Everybody cries, especially (Y/N). She can’t fathom a scenario where her brother isn’t there for her all the time.

The following weeks are also hard for the family. The youngest refuses to sleep alone for the first three days after Jack’s leave. She is more closed off and mainly just does her school work or reads the books he bought for her. By the time Thanksgiving is only away for another two weeks, (Y/N) has read through all of them at least two times.

Her father already ordered the lightsaber he promised her. Unfortunately shipping takes several months, so the little girl still has to wait patiently for her reward to arrive. In the meantime she works on getting the next and she is already pretty close to the comic book collection she wants.

“Sweetheart, can you set the table, please? Your Mom will be here soon from grocery shopping and she will need help getting them from the car into the house”, Hotch calls for his daughter while stirring in a pot.

The little girl nods, putting her stationary set and pens aside to do as her father asked. She is in the middle of answering her brother’s last letter, telling him that she is now the one that usually has to read aloud for the class because of her advanced skill for a first grader.

Just as she sets the last piece of silverware down the doorbell rings. “Sweetie, can you please open it? This should be your mother.” Happily (Y/N) runs up and turns the door knob. Over the last few months she hit a small growing spurt and is finally tall enough to reach it without standing on her tippy toes.

“Mo-” She nearly chokes on her own saliva. The one at the door is definitely not her mother. “JACK!” (Y/N) runs up to him and jumps onto his leg. “Hey Princess. I thought now that you read your books, we need to hold the most amazing lightsaber fight in history.” With a mischievous smile he pulls two from his back, giving one to his baby sister.

It is the most epic fight in history between an elementary schooler and a college boy. They can only be stopped by their parents announcing that it is a tie between both of them and that they have to sit down, else the food gets cold.

The following weeks mostly consist of (Y/N)’s joyous laughs and cuddling with her big brother. She even insists on him sleeping with her in her much smaller bed. On his last night before going back to college, the little girl turns to him in the middle of watching her favorite movie in the living room.

“Do you promise not to forget me when you are away? Because I alway think about you and tell my friends so much about you. I told them you are a hero, my hero, just like Daddy. They wanna meet you because of that.” Jack has to hold back tears at her statement.

“I also think of you so much. All of my friends at college are pretty jealous of me having such a sweet baby sister. Maybe one time you can visit me and I can introduce you to them.” The thought of that makes (Y/N) smile and is a little consolation to the thought of her brother leaving again.

Aaron watches the interaction going down, happy to see the strong bond between his children, despite their age gap. This is nothing like he and Sean were and that is a relief for him and the worries he had in the beginning. It is a sign that he did do some things right as a father.

Taglist:

All works:

@dindjarinsspouse @big-galaxy-chaos @jswessie187

Criminal Minds:

@averyhotchner @mggsprettygirl @herecomesthewriterwitch @ash19871962 @ellyhotchner

[batfam-slash]

Damian Wayne does not get homesick.

At least, that’s what he’d always thought.

There was a time when he never really had a home to miss, and so it was easy to think of homesickness as a weakness. A distraction.

And that’s exactly what it is now.

Damian always thought he’d be in his element at college; he’d learn new things and be intellectually stimulated, and it would be a real chance to prove himself academically. He thought he’d thrive.

Instead he’s sorely disappointed.

He’s yet to meet anyone with whom he has anything in common. Most people in his dorm want to drink and party and have sex, and that’s really not what Damian is here for.

His peers see him as a bit of an outsider; he doesn’t want to socialise with them and so they don’t make the effort with him.

But now Damian kind of wishes he’d made an effort. Because it’s lonely.

He remembers on the day after he’d moved into his dorm room, the alpha in the room next door had come in to say hello, and she’d spotted the photo of Bruce and Dick sitting on Damian’s nightstand.

“Your parents?” she’d asked with a smile.

“Yes,” Damian had said. “My father and step-mother.”

And then he’d had to turn away from her because his eyes were stinging.

Two weeks later and Damian still can’t look at that photo without crying. It just reminds him of where he’d rather be.

One night some of his dorm mates come home at three in the morning and start playing incredibly loud music in the common area, so Damian grabs his phone, pulls the covers over his head, and wipes away tears as he scrolls through his contacts.

He feels slightly guilty as he taps the video call symbol next to Richard Wayne, but it’s worth it because he immediately feels better when he sees Dick’s face on the screen.

“Dami?” Dick asks worriedly, voice still thick with sleep. “What’s up? It’s three in the morning - is everything okay?”

Damian wishes he were home. He wishes he could seek out one of Dick’s cuddles like he’d done so many times before; he wishes he could smell Dick’s soothing omega scent.

“I’m fine,” Damian says, immediately feeling ashamed at the way his voice wobbles. “Is father there?”

“No, he’s out on patrol tonight. Are you sure you’re alright?”

Damian sniffs. “I hate it here.”

A moment of silence.

“Oh.” Dick’s voice is soft, warmth flooding out in just that one syllable. “Has something happened?”

“Not exactly. It’s not one thing in particular. I just don’t fit in here. It’s not what I expected. I’m really…I’m not doing so well.”

“Oh, Dami.”

Damian braces himself for a lecture, but that’s not what he gets.

“I’m really glad you called me,” Dick says gently. “Bottling this stuff up doesn’t do you any good. I’m proud of you for trying and I’m proud of you for admitting that you’re not enjoying it. You know you have options though, right? If it’s really that bad, there’s always a place for you here. We can maybe see if you can take some classes online, or commute some of the time or…I don’t know. But we can figure it out. Maybe you can try and get through a few more weeks, and if it’s really making you unhappy, we can talk about what we can do about it?”

Damian immediately feels a sense of relief flood through him. “That sounds good. Do you think…will father be upset?”

“Of course not. You know he’s always proud of you. I’ll talk to him. It’ll be ok, Little D, we’ll figure this out.”

Damian nods. “There’s just so much change to deal with as well. Moving here, you’ve just had the baby, Todd and Drake are going to be mated and will leave to start their own pack…our family is in turmoil.”

Dick chuckles. “Our family is not in turmoil. Jason and Tim are still part of our pack even if they’re starting their own. Yes, there’s a lot of change, but we’ll all support each other through it. And you’re going to play a big role in that. When Jason leaves, your dad wants to make you the second alpha of the pack.”

Damian blinks. Second alpha.

He supposes it’s only natural; he’s eighteen now and Jason won’t be around. And although it’s an honoured position, it’s a lot of responsibility.

But the thought of that is more exciting to him than staying here. He just wants to go home.

“You’re being very quiet,” Dick observes. “Do you want me to stay on the phone with you? We can just talk about random stuff if you want.”

“No,” Damian says softly. “Thank you. I don’t want to keep you; you should be resting. I’m sorry I called you at such a late hour. As always, I value your advice and guidance.”

“Call me tomorrow? I’ll talk to your dad and we can catch up again and have a think in more detail about what you might want to do.”

Damian nods. He feels better now that they have a plan at least. “Thank you.” He swallows. “I love you.”

“Love you too, Dami. I’ll speak to you tomorrow.”

Damian ends the call and takes a deep breath.

He has a lot to think about. As much as he wants to prove himself here, this isn’t where he belongs. This isn’t where he wants to be.

He glances at the photo on his nightstand, and he knows he couldn’t wish for a better home or a better family.