#(i am not going to be very happy with myself which i mean is justified)

[ezraphobicsoup]

i got lossed by desmos what the hell

[prettycottagequeer]

ok maybe I'm a little late to this BUT I'm gonna do a to-do list motivation thingy because I've had the worst two weeks since I started college :)

SO these I should start on asap:

50 I make the snack I really want but I haven't had the motivation to make

100 I clean my dorm. another thing I've been meaning to do for a week

150 I do the presentation about mid-victorian fashion I've been putting off (due Monday)

200 I start memorizing the monologue that was due a week ago (now due Tuesday)

these can wait longer:

300 I spend time outside. It's so nice but I'm getting stuck scrolling because I feel like shit. vicious cycle ect

500 I start setting a better weekend routine (aka getting up before noon)

1k I start working out again. I was doing a routine to get more masc and build muscle and I liked it but life hit me like Crowley driving the Bentley and I've missed like 3 weeks

2k I buy my first binder. I've been coping with sports bras for almost a year now and I haven't been able to justify spending $50+ on a binder even though I know I'd love it and use it everyday.

Do I tag people? I don't know but I'm going to. @the-globe-theatre-maggot @weirdly-specific-but-ok @howmanyholesinswisscheese

here's just some context if you want to read, feel free to skip. some of this I've talked about in the maggot server, some I haven't, but I really just need a place for this to go that's out of my head. tw homophobia, transphobia, car crash(??)

How I Have Been Run Over By The Bentley Going 90 In Central London What Feels Like 50 Times In The Last Two Weeks

I'm going to college about 4 hours away from my parents, and it's been really nice. They.. suck, to say the least. transphobic/homophobic ect, super traditional conservative catholic, racist, all of it. so i tried to move somewhere where I wouldn't have to think about them and I could be myself and do what I can to be happy. March 1st was the start of my spring break, which meant going home because the dorms close. I was already not excited, but I was prepared. the problem with being away from home is I forget just how bad they are. My optimism gets the better of me and I think maybe this time they'll be better. so I decided to not hide my septum piercing.

that was a mistake. it starts a whole fight where they say we know you're trans, you're actually a girl and you always will be, we have the bones argument, they think I'm being influenced by demons or something (if only they knew about crowley) because I want to change my name, and they tell me that going on t will completely ruin my body and give me cancer and other things. They're also mad about my dyed hair, septum, and general style, and say I'm setting a terrible example for my (5) younger siblings and make it a point to tell me just how much of a disappointment I am. I think I'm pretty cute and fun but y'know, whatever. very fun time. I lie so much, don't give them any more details about my identity, and say I'm not planning to go on t to save my ass. which is all on instinct which makes me feel worse because if I'm really trans I should be able to stand up for that, right? maybe I'm faking the dysphoria.

the next morning I wake up really sick, and spend the rest of the week sick and feeling like shit because I'm home and back in the same place and situation I was a year ago that I thought I escaped. at one point I pretty much lose my voice but also kind of get gender euphoria from it. it's weird.

On Friday it's time for me to drive back 4 hours to school, and I make it about 3/4 of the way when google maps takes me on a random gravel road and I crash my car, really crash my car, like sideways-in-a-ditch-windows-broken-crawling-up-out-the-door crash it in the middle of nowhere. (I was fully paying attention to the road, it was raining and super slick) I call my parents because I have no one else to call and I sit in a Subway for 3 hours while they drive to get my car. when they get there they're (understandably) really mad, and they tell me that I'm not mature enough to be going to school so far away and I need to get my shit together and stop depending on them. which. is probably true. but made me feel even more stupid about the fact that I crashed my car. I get back to school and I'm still Very Sick with no energy or motivation to do anything. So I've spent the last week trying to get better and honestly to do anything. it hasn't really worked. I'm a lot better health-wise (Not emotionally), still sick but I have a lot of work due, so I really need a push to get started

[demigodofhoolemere]

Collecting all of my thoughts on the 60th specials now that they’re over and there’s a cohesive overall picture, because I had many and I want to de-clutter them in my head for my own sake. Not in any particular order of significance, just stream of consciousness as I rewatch.

Be warned that while there were definitely things I enjoyed, there’s going to be a good bit of negativity in here, so if you understandably don’t want to see critiques of something you really liked, please do yourself the favor and don’t read this. I know what it’s like to see very negative takes on something you loved a lot and I know how bad it can feel as it sits with you in your stomach for a while if you’re particularly sensitive to it. Enter at your own risk. Also, I’m not looking to be argued with so if you read any of this and disagree with me on things, please just keep scrolling. This is just me throwing my thoughts at the wall.

And obviously, massive spoiler warnings here. I’ll be talking freely about all the things.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE STAR BEAST

- I’ve seen people make fun of the opening but I don’t find anything wrong with it in particular. The Doctor standing there like he was cut and pasted is a little silly but it’s not laughably bad either. I get the feeling they realized after they’d already shot the specials that they needed a recap and threw it together pretty quickly but it’s not terrible.

- The new credits are GORGEOUS and the music makes me very happy.

- I have issues with it that I’ll get into but despite myself it’s nice to see Tennant again. He was my first Doctor and his era is very nostalgic for me so it would be hard to be totally unhappy to have him around.

- That said, now with the context that the return of this face somehow has nothing to do with the Toymaker, I’m baffled and not a fan of bringing him back just for the sake of it. I really thought there was going to be SOME kind of interference by the Toymaker that would be delved into a bit when he eventually turned up, something to justify this, but no. Which means that he really is just back because that particular regeneration needed closure or something, and yeah, Ten had issues and not the happiest sendoff, but in my personal opinion it just feels more like favoritism from RTD. For 57 years, regeneration has meant letting go, and it comes across like RTD can’t do that if he has to make up non-interference-related reasons for bringing an old face back and thereby altering regeneration mythos (which he does again in an even worse way later…) by suddenly saying it’s possible for a past life to come back. I know there’s technically precedence for old faces returning, in the form of the Curator, but that was done so quickly and vaguely that it’s not invasive. This is asking us to go along with old faces coming back for *checks notes* reasons, and to give a whole new number, altering our numbering system forever, to who is essentially just Ten again. I’m sorry, but I am never calling him Fourteen. I’m resigned to the fact that I’ll have to refer to Ncuti as Fifteen and so on from there, but that’s just Ten. The only difference is that he’s got three more lives in his head that make very slight differences to his personality. Very, very slight. But it’s bugging the crud out of me that Tennant is apparently so special that it’s fine to randomly have him become himself again, that he gets two numbers, and is now being made to appear twice on every poster that has the full lineup. I am never going to acknowledge him as a whole new regeneration between Jodie and Ncuti, I’m sorry. I adore Tennant, he’s my first and I’m legally obligated to mention that I do love him extremely dearly, but if none of this had anything to do with the Toymaker torturing him and playing with his emotions or something by making him look like his old self who had so much baggage, then this whole thing is immediately silly and self-indulgent on RTD’s part.

- I know that the Doctor and Donna were brought together again because the two of them combined as the DoctorDonna could save London, but it happens so fast and without emotion. Their paths just sort of happen to cross, immediately. It’s done very quickly and in a way that doesn’t let me feel the full weight of him reacting to seeing her again.

- However I love seeing Donna again. She’s very much the same Donna I’ve always loved and it’s great to see her.

- I do like bringing back the recurring joke of Donna missing out on obvious alien attacks, lol.

- Nice that this stuff takes place in Camden seeing as Bill Hartnell partly grew up there.

- I appreciate moments like the psychic paper saying “Grand Mistress” instead of “Grand Master” as acknowledgment of Thirteen’s existence. I was worried she’d be entirely swept under the rug.

- Allons-y! 💙 That does my inner 2012 self’s heart good.

- Shaun Temple is a sweetheart and a delight.

- Gotta love throwing in one last reference to Nerys, lol.

- Donna, I’m proud of you for being such a good person that you want to give away your money to people in need, but keep at least SOME of it, girl! You’ve got a family!

- Shirley Anne Bingham is awesome and she can stay as long as she likes.

- Oh boy… pretty much everything to do with Rose feels very ham-fisted and clumsy to me. You can have a trans character without going about it like this. If the point is supposed to be to normalize portraying it in media, then it should be natural, not be about making a point. Shoving it down the audience’s throat every minute is naturally going to make people dislike the writing, even people who fully agree with the intent. I’ve already seen a fair number of LGBT+ viewers discuss this being poorly done. It doesn’t feel well-written to me and I don’t think it’s going to age particularly well either. More on this later as the worst of it crops up.

- I love Sylvia trying so hard to protect Donna by completely denying anything alien and acting like everything is normal. This poor woman is doing everything she can. I never thought I’d like her so much.

- Sad to hear Donna talk about feeling like she’s lost something but never knowing what it is.

- The Meep and the Wrarth Warriors all look incredible.

- Not a fan of the sonic basically being a magic wand. There’s a reason they ended up ditching it in the Classic series, because it was getting so that the Doctor relied too much on it, and that was before it had anywhere near the convenient powers it’s had throughout the modern series. This is a big step even further than they’ve ever taken it before and it really took me out of it. The sonic shouldn’t be able to create Iron Man HUD screens or Green Lantern hard light shields. I’m hoping they don’t do that again as the show continues.

- Murray Gold’s music is beautiful and it’s great to have it back. It does have a tendency to get too loud, though. I like to hear what people are saying.

- I do quite like the interactions between the Doctor and Shirley. She’s got a good personality to bounce off of him. I especially like them waving at each other as he sneaks off onto the UNIT truck.

- That pretty purple light coming from the ship was more exciting when I thought it was the Toymaker’s power coming to control them. Oh well.

- Love Donna’s reaction to the Meep.

- Poor Sylvia at her wit’s end. Someone help that woman.

- While it’s fitting that the Doctor has now been slapped by the trifecta of mothers from the RTD era, I’m not sure that we should still be doing gags like that where it’s apparently okay and funny to slap someone if they’re a man. The reverse would go down very differently. At least in context it makes perfect sense for Sylvia to be angry that he’s shown up and to want to get rid of him, but I hope that kind of humor doesn’t stay.

- Shaun walking in on all of this chaos like

- Nice to see the Doctor get emotional over Wilf. Same, dude.

- ^ I also really like that Kate took it upon herself to get him into a nice care home practically for free. I appreciate that she gets in touch with so many of the companions and that she’d go out of her way to help him have what he needs. I could see her dad doing that, too. I’d like to think that Yates is in the same care home (considering Richard Franklin is in real life at this point) and he and Wilf can share stories.

- Gaaahh at, “You’re assuming ‘he’ as a pronoun?” Nobody talks like this.

- Not sure the Doctor should be talking so freely about aliens and two hearts right in front of Donna and risk her remembering. He even casually hands her the sonic for a moment and shortly after starts explaining what it is. Probably not the best idea. Bit careless, mate.

- Part of me feels like the barrister wig bit is a little too silly, but then again:

- Anyone who had any awareness of the original comic was already waiting for the Meep’s turn, but knowing didn’t make it any less of a good reveal. I liked the very sudden shift.

- Shirley having weapons in her wheelchair, heck yeah. Reminds me of the Brig’s concealed gun in his cane in SJA.

- I like Donna feeling compelled to help even if she can’t remember having ever done anything like this. I also like Sylvia’s chilled realization that Donna called him “Doctor” without having ever been told.

- Lol at the kid watching the destruction from the window and not running or looking freaked out in the slightest. Boy has no self-preservation instincts.

- There is definitely some good emotion going on with the Doctor’s conflict in having to reactivate Donna’s memories, and it’s extremely well acted, but for whatever reason I don’t feel as much weight here as I should. It’s not just that I’m too disconnected from their original run at this point, because I rewatched The Stolen Earth/Journey’s End as well as The End of Time in the lead-up to this airing and I was severely emotionally impacted like I’d been thrown back 10 years in time, so I have no idea why I just don’t feel as much as I wish I did. It’s definitely not about their acting. Maybe it’s just too quick? Because I feel like the pacing of this episode in general goes by so fast that there hasn’t been enough time to really drive home the drama of what remembering will do to her, or the full extent of their relationship. Everything just sort of happens. The conflict of having to choose to restore her memories is great but the actual regaining of those memories just feels… sudden? Unearned? I don’t know.

- Don’t know how to feel about Donna having straight up Winter Soldier trigger words to unlock her memories.

- I really feel like her getting her memories back should have been a much more emotional moment between the two of them. She has no reaction to suddenly having it all back — it’s just undercut with the humor of yelling about having given away all of her lottery money, and being mad at him that there was a subconscious part of her that had his influence that drove her to do that. Honestly, I believe Donna would do it anyway, you don’t need to make some explanation for his soft heart still sticking around in her head like she wouldn’t have done that on her own. After a decade of wishing Donna could one day have her memories restored, this isn’t what I wanted out of it.

- It’s better a minute later when she realizes she only has 55 seconds left before her brain fries but she’s okay with it because it’s the best 55 seconds of her life to now be fully herself again. It’s also sweet when the Doctor is holding her as she begins to fade away, even if it’s undercut a moment later by her suddenly waking again.

- I’m not sure why the metacrisis energy in her head would split off and have half go into Rose in the womb. I suppose you could come up with a way that makes it make sense but it’s pretty convenient.

- Doctor: “We are binary.”

Donna: “She’s not. Because the Doctor’s —”

Doctor: “Male.”

Donna: “And female.”

Rose: “And neither. And more.”

… Huh??? Are they trying to say that Rose is trans because the Doctor is capable of being either male or female and the metacrisis somehow passed this on?

- I like the quick moment between the Doctor and Sylvia. Didn’t know I wanted more of them.

- The Meep’s ominous allusion to “the boss” doesn’t seem to have been about the Toymaker, so… what gives? Not that that’s a bad thing that it wasn’t, I wasn’t sure what to think of him having people working for him anyway, but I’m curious if that thread will ever get picked up.

- Donna: “Yes, we know.”

Rose: “We know everything, thanks.”

Donna: “And you know nothing. It’s a shame you’re not a woman anymore. ‘Cause she’d have understood.”

Rose: “We’ve got all that power, but there is a way to get rid of it. Something a male-presenting Time Lord will never understand.”

Okay, first off, why the attitude with the Doctor? Geez. Second, Thirteen never let go of anything in her life lol, no she wouldn’t have understood. Third, did they not just say that the Doctor is ‘male and female and neither and more’? Now a few minutes later the Doctor is suddenly just a dumb man who could never understand because he doesn’t have a woman’s perspective? One minute we’re saying gender doesn’t matter because he’s both and none, the next we’re using the standard binary against him to act like the women are so much smarter than him? There’s no need to pick on him like that, and please, just pick one, you can’t have it both ways. Also, oh my word, ‘male-presenting Time Lord’? Russell, can I have a word with you about writing sentences that sound like they would actually come out of someone’s mouth?

- ^ Additionally, the solution to the metacrisis is to just… let go of it. They literally just choose to make the energy leave them. Easy as that. That feels so incredibly unearned and completely undermines the stakes involved. For 15 years Donna was at risk of having her head explode. Her ending was an absolute tragedy with very serious consequences. And now they just go, ‘Well, they can let go of the metacrisis though’. All of the drama of her circumstances feels horribly undermined by the easiness and convenience of that. I don’t think they should have fixed everything in just the first episode of this anyway, let alone that lazily.

- I am quite a fan of the new TARDIS interior. It’s a bit big, hopefully we’ll get some furniture in there over time or something, but it’s a very neat design. I’m very pleased to have the Classic white back, but that the lights can also change colors if they feel like adding a bit more mood or character to a scene. I’m also assuming that its wheelchair accessibility means we’ll get Shirley in there at some point, which I look forward to.

- Aw at the Doctor remembering how Donna takes her coffee.

- “I really do remember, though. Every second with you. I’m so glad you’re back, ‘cause it killed me, Donna. It killed me, it killed me, it killed me.” Aw 💗

- “I said so!” Poor Sylvia, lol.

- Watching this the first time under the assumption that the Toymaker was pulling strings throughout the first two specials, I really thought they ended up at the end of the universe because he hijacked the TARDIS, and the coffee was a coincidence. Nope. Turns out the TARDIS really just broke down that bad over one spilled cup of coffee. It really should be more resilient than that!

~~~~~

OVERVIEW

I liked more than I realized, there is some good in here (Sylvia was the unexpected MVP), but for me the bad just outweighs it too much. The things I do like are generally small moments and the things I don’t are generally quite big ones, which is a problem. I’ve got a number of issues with the writing, and that’s just if the episode were standalone, let alone the fact that this is supposed to be for a big anniversary. In the context of the entirety of the specials it’s got even more problems. This doesn’t feel like it’s celebrating anything, except perhaps the original comic which is nice at least, but apart from that, it’s just… an episode. A poorer one at that, imo. The pacing is rushed and the writing is often either forced or lazy or both. It doesn’t have anything to do with the next two specials and it doesn’t set up anything that it should. Maybe I shouldn’t have expected that it would, but I find it bizarre that it doesn’t.

I really wanted to like this and I went into it expecting that I would, but even beyond the writing problems, I just couldn’t connect. I don’t know if it’s the pacing or what but I don’t feel nearly as much as I want to and feel I should. Ten and Donna are being very much themselves and they’ve got stuff here that should make me emotional, and to a degree it does, but… something is just off. I don’t feel the weight of it, and that’s a recurring problem throughout all of these specials. For whatever reason the episodes just don’t emotionally resonate with me for the most part, even if I’m pleased to be watching Ten and Donna and should therefore be more excited about it and care more about the fact that they’re back on my screen. I really, really want to care more about seeing them again. I do care, but it’s just… off. The rushed resolution to Donna’s problem doesn’t help, either. I don’t feel the emotional payoff. Part of me feels like if they were going to undermine the impact of Journey’s End by solving everything with such ease and casualness, then maybe they shouldn’t have done this at all. And I love Donna, I do, I’ve always wanted her to remember eventually, but I really feel there needed to be more to it than this. This doesn’t feel earned. I’ve got little to no emotional catharsis out of it. I would wonder if it was just a me problem if not for the fact that my sister came away from it feeling the same. Tales of the TARDIS handled this better for Jamie and Zoe in just 5 minutes — they didn’t have stakes for remembering like Donna did, it was just a cruel thing done to them, so it doesn’t feel like it’s undercutting anything to have their memories restored just as easily as they were taken, and there’s a whole ton of emotion packed into that 5 minutes that feels real, earned, and gets to me every time I’ve watched it. Why I don’t feel the same about Donna is beyond me.

I’m really struggling to understand why after just this first episode so many people were rejoicing that RTD has saved the show. Granted, I didn’t hate the Chibnall era, just select parts of it in the same way that I would have problems here and there with RTD and Moffat, so I’m not coming from a place of having felt like the show I loved was dead, but I really don’t see how The Star Beast is any better than most given episodes of the preceding era. I didn’t feel some magical shift. If anything, I liked most Chibnall era episodes more than this. I don’t know what everyone is talking about.

Thankfully the next special is a vast improvement imo.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WILD BLUE YONDER

- The opening with Isaac Newton just feels completely unnecessary to me. I feel like Russell just wanted to make a joke about changing the word “gravity” to “mavity” and decided to create that opening scene. I believe I also saw that the actor is a friend of his so this also could have spawned from him trying to create a bit part for him. Whatever the origin is, I’m not a fan of it. I really hope the mavity joke doesn’t continue past these specials, because I find it very annoying for reasons I can’t even quite place. Just gets on my nerves. And let’s forget the fact that the word gravity existed before Isaac Newton anyway.

- The TARDIS blaring the military song at the beginning and later near the end is another thing I would have sworn was the Toymaker having a laugh. Nope. No clue why it’s doing that, then. They do say something about the TARDIS playing them a war song, I guess they mean to imply it was some kind of warning of what they were getting into? But it kind of just happens. I feel like RTD keeps doing things without explanation just for fun. And there’s definitely a time and place for that, but in these specials it keeps being stuff that really should have elaboration and then they just don’t.

- I really like the massive spaceship and its design. Feels like something my brain would make up as I’m listening to a Big Finish story. The moving pieces are awesome as well.

- This is just me being someone who primarily prefers the Classic series a lot of the time, but I’m kind of done with New Who making a point of people’s attractiveness. I don’t need commentary on how hot the characters think anyone they’ve run into is, let alone a historical figure. New Who has a strange obsession with sexualization. RTD and Moffat are the worst offenders with this. Can’t call to mind times where that happened in the Chibnall era but I could be missing something. In any case I really want them to grow up a bit.

- Hey, that’s the first reference to the Doctor snapping his fingers to control the TARDIS in who even knows how long! Not that I was even a fan of that concept but it’s interesting to hear about it again.

- I like that Ten quickly stops himself from placing any blame on Donna and apologizes.

- The Doctor kissing her hand and holding it to his chest when she starts panicking is very sweet. 💗

- Woohoo, bringing back the HADS! Troughton fans unite!

- I love the robot. That is a great robot.

- I totally thought that the void outside was the Toymaker’s realm. That’s what I get for listening to Solitaire I guess.

- ^ I was also waiting for the glass that the Doctor was pressing against to completely disappear and he would fall into the Toymaker’s realm. Would make a good fic though.

- With all of the shots of Ten and Donna being watched from behind I kept expecting the forms of old companions like Susan or Steven to show up to mess with the Doctor. Never mind.

- I knew he was going to lick the strange gooey substance. Same old Ten.

- Poor Donna wondering what her family would do if she never returned.

- I thought it was abrupt that the Doctor had finished his job and already come back to Donna, but the moment where we cut back to the Doctor fiddling around immediately made it click that Donna was NOT talking to the real one, which is terrifyingly creepy.

- ^ I assumed at first that the Toymaker was faking being the Doctor to get information out of Donna. Then when the fake Donna turned up I thought they were both just his puppets he’d sent. Even when it was revealed what they really were I still imagined the Toymaker had something to do with sending them after them. Still jarred that these first two specials had absolutely no set-up for the big bad they were teasing in promotions for ages. But this particular instance is still very good without having anything to do with him. The Not-Things are chillingly creepy and I was constantly on edge.

- I like how Donna has absolutely no reaction to, “My arms are too long,” as if the Doctor would just say that lol.

- The long arms are so freakish in the best kind of freakish way.

- I seriously thought for a minute that they were turning into giant marionettes. There’s a bit of music during the reveal that sounded a bit circus-y for a moment as well. I could not stop seeing the Toymaker around every corner lol.

- David and Catherine kill it as the Not-Things. It’s fascinating to see them play against themselves in such a dark way.

- The way they look when they’re growing enormous and are appearing more and more freakish really feels like something my brain would concoct while listening to Big Finish if they did a story like this.

- I really enjoy the darkness going on here generally. They didn’t shy away from being absolutely twisted and terrifying and disturbing. It’s good to have a bit of that sometimes.

- This is seriously David and Catherine at some of their best. This special has the best stuff for the Doctor and Donna as a duo and their relationship, as well as having to play everything twice. They’re so good at making the Not-Things convincing that I was genuinely having a hard time figuring out which ones were real for a while.

- I hate the Timeless Child lore but it’s used here to good effect. Same with the Flux. I actually quite enjoyed the Flux arc but the fact that it did permanently wipe out half the universe without getting reversed or fixed and we just don’t talk about it is ridiculous. While I wish they would fix the situation, similarly to the Timeless Child it’s used well here.

- That contorted crab walk thing is incredibly disturbing even if it does look stupid lol.

- Really, how can they use a line like, “To play your vicious games and win,” and not have me think the Toymaker was involved somewhere in here?

- The Doctor not being able to stop thinking is very relatable lol. I would fail so badly in this scenario.

- I really like the design of the old captain of the ship. I’d love to see what that species looks like when they’re not just skeletal remains. Unless they actually do just look like bone anyway like Thestrals, in which case that would be even cooler.

- Everything about the climax is very well-executed. The drama, the pacing, the stakes. Very strong stuff.

- Poor Donna being left behind. But do you know what I was expecting? Naturally, for the Toymaker to pluck her out before the ship exploded so that he could keep her alive to force to play games. These specials did not go anything like I expected lol.

- Sweet Ten and Donna just sitting there reeling for a minute.

- Not sure what invoking a superstition at the edge of the universe is supposed to do with the return of the Toymaker in the next ep. He says it’s because the walls of reality are thin and all things are possible, but that doesn’t mean that pouring some salt on the ground magically has something to do with him specifically. Feels like a very weird reason to give when the logical thing to do would just be to say that the Toymaker has been plotting to get him back for a long time and finally showed up now.

- Wilf broke me. This was the one thing in any of these specials to get me truly, legitimately emotional. Shed a tear over him and his sweet face. It’s a shame they weren’t able to film any more scenes with him but I’m so glad they got that one in.

~~~~~

OVERVIEW

By far the best of the specials. I quite enjoyed the sheer darkness and madness of this one, and David and Catherine absolutely knock it out of the park. The writing is largely very good and it’s very effective in its scare factor, as well as in showcasing the relationship between the Doctor and Donna. This is the best stuff they have in any of these specials and I felt a little more connected to them here than in the other two. That doesn’t say as much as I’d like it to, but I’ll take it.

It stands up very well on its own, which in one way is great and the mark of a wonderful episode, but in another way also speaks to one of my overall problems with these episodes which is that they’re not connected to each other. This is a fantastic story and extremely well done, but once again it doesn’t feel like it’s celebrating anything and I truly don’t understand why these specials weren’t written to be a lot more connected than they are. At the end of the day it’s just a collection of random episodes that fill a gap before Ncuti takes the reins. That said, I’m not complaining about this one, this really was very interesting. Definitely the standout episode out of the three.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE GIGGLE

- Getting this out of the way right from the start lest I comment on it during every scene of his: NPH steals the show. He acts his heart out here. On the one hand it’s a very different approach to and portrayal of the Toymaker, which would otherwise bother me, but I can buy it as a Toymaker who has had centuries and centuries since the original serial to grow madder and madder and madder (and though he doesn’t regenerate like a Time Lord, I’d still be willing to believe that pieces of his personality might shift with different faces). On the other hand, there is still very much an element of Michael Gough in his darker, more intense moments. Glints that you can see in his eyes and his wicked grin. Very different but very the same. I really wish more of the episode had focused on him, and even further that he had been involved in all three of these specials.

- I appreciate the different accents he puts on throughout, as it proves me right that he just copies things from all manner of cultures he has no connection to. Vindication.

- Genuinely creepy in the opening scene the way he talks about the doll family as if buying the one doll would be separating it from its family and make them sad. You get the impression he’s not kidding. Even creepier when he says the hair on the doll was from a woman who won’t be missing it and won’t miss anything ever again. This one scene sets up right from the off that he is deeply unsettling and has done truly horrifying things to the victims of his games.

- I keep looking for Easter eggs in the toy shop and keep finding nothing lol. Wasted opportunity to have a Trilogic game or something hidden in the background.

- There’s some very dark music that plays frequently which seems to be the Toymaker’s theme. I really like it.

- Very unsettling that the Doctor’s first interaction with the Toymaker is unbeknownst to him. I like that he just stays in the background for a minute before messing with him while he still doesn’t know it’s him.

- I don’t like that the new UNIT building is essentially Stark Tower. That’s much too ostentatious for an organization that’s supposed to keep a low profile. Their building in The Power of the Doctor was already way too big. I don’t know why they seem to have gone very public now.

- I like that Kate is so scared by all of this that the first thing she does is to just grab the Doctor in a hug. Also, nice shoutout to Kate having fought Yetis.

- Mel! 💗 It's so nice to have her here. I haven't seen her Classic stuff yet but I've always adored her from afar, she's so precious. I'm always here for bringing back old friends as long as it's done well. The Doctor's reaction to her is so sweet.

- Sorry to disappoint, Mel, but you’re not the first redhead lol.

- Cool little robot guy. I'd ask why they have him working for them but they also had an alien as their scientific advisor for years, so whatever.

- Very interesting to demonstrate what happens to people's minds by turning Kate's protective armband off. Her tirade over nothing is both funny and frightening.

- The return of newscaster Trinity Wells! Nice to see you, girl. Though I have no idea how UNIT not only created but has already been trying to mass produce and give to the world these Zeedex bands within 2 days for this to even be on the news. Apparently they were an invention of the robotic character the Vlinx but that’s still a bit fast lol.

- I like that Donna was able to figure out the music scale from a perfectly ordinary experience. And lol at having Bonnie Langford sing the arpeggio.

- Considering the implication that having traveled in the TARDIS prevents the effects of this on an individual, I now want fic of every companion who's living in modern day Earth reacting to all of their neighbors and family suddenly losing their crap. Ian and Barbara watching their friends pick loud fights in the streets, Jo seeing every member of her family go mad. Not to mention the characters who either never set foot in the TARDIS at all or not long enough for it to protect them. Poor Liz Shaw somewhere, and Benton and Yates. All of the SJA kids except for Sky since she's an alien, and she'd have to deal with all of them being terrible.

- I like that they have Mel doing some technical stuff since she was supposed to be a computer programmer.

- Glad they gave a reason for why and how Mel is back on Earth lol. Nice shoutout to Glitz while they were at it as well.

- Kate really seems to like offering everybody a job lol.

- Subtle bit of creepiness to the Toymaker that no matter how many of his juggling balls he throws, he's still juggling the same amount of balls.

- I'm glad they had him already know Donna's name. I imagined he would have to but you never know what writers are gonna do. I'm also very pleased that it's immediately acknowledged that the Toymaker is an extreme threat by having the Doctor tell Donna to go back to the TARDIS the second he's realized who it is.

- Heck yes to the brief Hartnell and Gough flashes! It's not only lovely to see them in general but I love the weight that it adds, that they know each other from so long ago, and that those people are still who they both are inside the different faces. You can see Michael Gough's eyes in NPH right here in particular and for a moment I feel I can even see Bill's eyes in David.

- Shoutout to the hidden Joeys in a couple of different places. They're not nearly as visible in the episode as the set pics made it seem but I know he's there.

- Love that he means Hartnell when he says, “When I was young.”

- I like the unnervingness of the endless hallway and all of the doors just leading you nowhere. I can imagine that kind of a trick in the original serial. (In fact I now really want to see that be something they'd have to deal with. I can just hear Steven's huffy, 'Oh, no,' when they realize they're never getting anywhere lol.) The two of them ending up separated is also good stuff.

- I still don't see what invoking a superstition at the edge of the universe has to do with bringing the Toymaker in. It's a really weird and nonsensical reason to give when the only reason you need is that he's finally coming for his rematch.

- Very creepy stuff with the poor man being made into a marionette, as well as the Doctor seeing himself as one. That’s the kind of disturbing factor I was hoping for with this special. There isn't a ton of this kind of thing here and I'd have gone quite a bit darker myself for this whole episode but I appreciate what we have.

- The Toymaker looming above, looking down as he holds the puppet strings is some really good imagery.

- Donna vs the rest of the doll family is very freakish, but I also feel bad for them because there's no way those weren't real people at one point. Particularly disturbing to have Donna rip Sue's head off and kick it across the room, considering. I know she doesn’t know these were people, and even if she did she does have to protect herself somehow, but yikes.

- I love the painted stage backdrops in the middle of absolute black nothingness. I was hoping they'd have this sort of thing, since much of the original is in this sort of broad, void-feeling space.

- I really like this bit where the Toymaker is showing what happened to the previous companions that have been on the show since Donna left. Very chilling to see him be well aware of all of the particulars of these events and I’m glad they went for it in torturing the Doctor with personal pain. It wasn’t as much or as dark as I’d hoped but I like it, and I always like seeing a Doctor acknowledge companions he was with when he had different faces. Very nice to see Ten’s face talk about Amy, Clara, and Bill. Also, nice recap for those who may have stopped after Tennant originally left, and wow, the Moffat era really had a ton of tragic departures. I keep thinking what must have been going through Neil’s head reading about a character who was killed by a bird, and the various insane-sounding reasons from the Doctor as to why these characters are somehow okay despite what happened to them, considering he apparently didn’t know about Doctor Who whatsoever prior to being approached for the role!

- Oh, the shift in the Toymaker’s face when the Doctor challenges him to a game. Stuff just got real.

- It’s so good to see them playing at a table again.

- “I made a jigsaw out of your history. Did you like it?” Not sure what that means unless they’re trying to indicate that he’s somehow responsible for the Timeless Child mythos, or at least for various inconsistencies in the Doctor’s life. I doubt they’d hand-wave away the whole TC arc like that when Russell said he wouldn’t undermine his friend’s work, so I don’t know what to make of this. But if we can ignore that from here on out then that rocks.

- Poor Master, lol. I can only imagine bedraggled and broken Dhawan being offered a chance to live if he played a game, taking the offer, and promptly losing. I want to know how that went down. Apparently very badly, if the price was being trapped inside the Toymaker’s gold tooth. Also, is he aware of what’s going on or is he just sort of in stasis in there? It would be awful for him if he were conscious of everything, but awful results are how the Toymaker operates, so I wouldn’t be surprised. Imagine the Master trying and failing to scream to the Doctor to do whatever he has to to get away.

- Okay, who on earth is this person the Toymaker supposedly didn’t dare play? They’re claiming that he played and defeated God but there’s somehow someone even more powerful that the Toymaker of all people is scared of? “The one who waits”? Jokingly headcanon-ing that it’s Rory until we get anything further on that, lol.

- I mean, the Toymaker ain’t wrong about the issues of the human race in the 21st century 🤷‍♀️ VERY weird to hear him say the word ‘cancel’ though. That originated here on tumblr to my knowledge. Things like that have gotta stop breaking containment, now they’re spreading so far that a character from 1966 is saying them.

- Love the Toymaker’s aghast reaction to Donna saying he’ll just cheat. Though they make it sound like he’s forced to always play by the rules by some sort of cosmic force that binds him. In the original you get the impression that it’s just a matter of principle to him, which I prefer.

- I like that the king on the playing card looks like it could either be Michael Gough or NPH, or perhaps a blurred line between them to represent both.

- Part of me feels like the dancing scene is a bit too far in terms of silliness for circumstances that should be very serious, but it’s also too enjoyable for me to not get a kick out of. They also managed to make it quite dark and threatening, having him appear all over the place, forcing Kate and then Mel to dance, turning the two UNIT men into bouncing balls that still retain the images of their screaming faces and the Doctor telling Kate that they’re dead, and making all of the bullets turn into rose petals therefore showing them all that they’re helpless against him. For something that should come across as ridiculous, it’s actually surprisingly effective. Though I don’t know what it is with RTD and having his big bads dance to girl group songs lol.

- When Kate asks where the guards and staff have gone and the Toymaker just goes, “I think they’re still falling.” Eek.

- Ten really has a thing for offering bad guys to travel with him instead of wreaking havoc lol. But I love that they had him say that the two of them together could be ‘celestial’. Thank you for the little reference and for proving me right again that that’s the context in which we’re supposed to take his title. Also, interesting little moment there where the Toymaker very nearly almost seemed tempted.

- This scene is very quickly ruined, but I like Donna and Mel going to the Doctor’s side to be with him as he regenerates. Very sweet to see two past companions who still love him very much and are willing to put themselves in the line of fire just to make sure he’s not alone. And when the Toymaker comments, “Handmaidens,” it reminds me of the original serial when he comments on Steven’s “adolescent expressions of loyalty”.

- Nice detail that Mel seems a lot more prepared and okay with the realities of regeneration, just comforting him with a smile and not seeming terribly worried whether he’s going to be okay because she knows he will be, she’s seen him in the aftermath of a regeneration before and loved both Doctors she was with. Of course she and Donna are both emotional, but Mel definitely strikes me as more ready to deal with what comes next.

- I’m really mad that this moment is all about to get undermined, because having Ten 2.0’s last words be, “Allons-y,” aka, ‘let’s go’, is incredibly fitting and poignant in contrast to the original, “I don’t want to go.” Why’d they have to go and ruin what could have been a nice, touching regeneration?

- Aaaand here’s the moment that ruins the entire rest of the story for me. Rather than regenerating like normal, the Doctor “bigenerates”, splitting into two of himself so we have both Tennant and Gatwa together. It’s hand-waved with, ‘oh there’s this thing called bigeneration that’s supposed to be a myth but apparently not!’ and then not discussed any further. Russell, you just got back, did you seriously have to already bring a massively disruptive lore change with you? We just had one. I seem to be in the minority, at least on tumblr, but I am not on board with having two Doctors existing simultaneously. It feels more like the Doctor split off a twin. You can’t copy a soul and have two of that soul at the same time. That is not how people work. I keep having to focus on Mel being adorable in the background because the rest of this is aggravating.

- I feel it robs Ncuti of a proper entrance as well. He doesn’t get the same process that every Doctor before him since Troughton has gotten. He’s relegated to splitting off of the fan favorite rather than taking his place as is kinda his right, which could also easily cause people to forever view him as an offshoot and not the proper Doctor. Not to mention the fact that their split also divided articles of clothing between the two of them, meaning Fifteen is left running around in underwear for the entire remainder of the episode. A lot of people seem fine with this but I really think it’s an undignified entrance for the poor guy, and I’m not sure it’s going to age very well either. It would be humiliating enough for any Doctor to start out that way but I can already see people in the future looking back on it as a very degrading introduction for the first black Doctor. My mind also often goes to considering whether certain things would come across the same if it were a woman, and boy, that would not be received well if the new Doctor were a woman having to run around in her underwear as an intro, which means it isn’t really great for a man either.

- I wish I could enjoy the two Doctors excitedly interacting, but that’s the kind of thing that’s only fun or interesting in the usual context of multiple incarnations meeting up from different time periods. This stuff would otherwise be cute, but in the context it’s in, I’m just too uncomfortable to enjoy any of it.

- “Do you come in a range of colors?” is another line that I’m not sure is gonna age well. I’m not sure I like the sound of it now as it is.

- The Toymaker claims he played against the “guardians of time and space” and shrunk them into voodoo dolls. Are we talking Fifth Doctor era Guardians? Poor guys.

- Part of me feels the “ball game” final fight is cool looking (or at least, it’s well-shot to distract me from the fact that it’s not that good; I can’t decide), but the ultimate result is disappointing. It’s pretty unsatisfying to have the Toymaker’s defeat be that he happened to not catch a ball. It makes him look unskilled to just have it graze past his hand when he easily could have stretched slightly further and gotten it. I know people say that his original defeat in the old serial was anticlimactic, but he was defeated because the Doctor was clever. It wasn’t that the Toymaker did anything that would lead to his own loss, it’s not that he wasn’t as clever, it’s just that the Doctor had a good idea and succeeded with it. It was very evenly matched, but somebody has to win even in a very tight game and it was the Doctor. Here, the Toymaker loses because he was unlucky. It wasn’t a victory on the Doctor’s part, the Toymaker just messed up. That doesn’t feel like a satisfying defeat at all because it’s not even a defeat. Everything hinges on the Toymaker somehow not catching a ball.

- Don’t know if that’s the last we’ll see of the Toymaker. It may be the last of NPH playing him at least. I wouldn’t be shocked if they brought the character back for another round some decades down the line, just get him out of the box and dust him off on the rare occasion.

- He says his “legions” are coming, and I believe RTD has said that Fifteen is going to keep facing them. Curious who those will be. I don’t exactly see the Toymaker having armies in reserve somewhere.

- Good for the poor man that he gets to not be a marionette anymore!

- Fifteen: “You can’t save everyone.”

Ten: “Why not?”

Because you go Time Lord Victorious when you start asking that question. Have a Snickers.

- Again, I wish I could enjoy the two Doctors. Fifteen comforting Ten should be a very sweet thing, but this whole thing just feels so wrong to me.

- Well, cue endless speculation on whose hand picked up that gold tooth with the Master in it. That should keep the fandom going for a while.

- ^ Also, ahhh, the various Master laughs when it focuses in on that! I think I hear my beloved Delgado!

- I greatly appreciate all of the Classic references when they’re talking about all of the things they’ve gone through and never stopped to rest after, and all of the people lost.

- Fifteen: “Sarah Jane has gone, can you even believe that for a second?”

Ten: “I loved her.”

Fifteen: “I loved her.”

Owww, official confirmation in TV canon that Sarah Jane is gone by now. I’d appreciated that they had never explicitly said anything like they did with the Brigadier. I loved her, too. 😢

- ^ Also mentioning loving Rose, ahhh. The Doctor has never actually said those words to or about her because he was always an idiot thinking it didn’t need to be said. Finally, a Doctor says onscreen that he loved Rose! 2012 me is pleased.

- Mavic Chen! RTD said he’d be mentioned at some point, but still, there’s a deep cut of a reference! Heck yeah, Hartnell enthusiasts rise.

- “I’m fine because you fix yourself. We’re Time Lords, we’re doing rehab out of order.” Okay, this particular line would seem to imply that at some point when Ten 2.0 eventually regenerates, it will be to Fifteen? That he’s thrown back into the timeline and bigenerates out of himself as Fifteen, thus meaning there’s still just the one Doctor and the timeline aligns itself? Nothing else in this episode indicates that whatsoever, but if that’s what I’m meant to take out of it then it would fix a lot.

- So… they’re seriously saying that he became Ten again for the emotional catharsis of sitting back and living with Donna’s family for a while. Messing up regeneration lore to enable past lives to come back, ignoring that the point of regeneration since its inception is to move forwards, for what is essentially RTD’s fix-it AU fic for his own characters. This continues to feel like it’s RTD’s celebration of his own stuff rather than an overall 60th anniversary celebration. I really want to be happier about having my Ten back, and that Donna gets to remember everything, but so much of the way this has been done leaves a bit of a bad taste in my mouth.

- Aaand oh boy. Here’s the bit where they duplicate the TARDIS. For the sake of argument, say that Fifteen really did come after Ten 2.0 living his life with the Nobles and he’s just thrown backwards in the timeline. If that’s supposed to be the same with the TARDIS, that he’s just bringing it into this time somehow from where it last was with Ten 2.0 prior to his regeneration, then that would be fine. But there is absolutely nothing that indicates this. The takeaway I get is that the TARDIS has been copied. Tennant is going to stay at the Nobles’ and have the original TARDIS on hand so he can still leave sometimes. Gatwa takes off in the copied TARDIS. The Doctor that we’re supposed to be following from here on out is no longer traveling in the very same TARDIS as he always has. If that’s seriously the case, then that’s a GIGANTIC heck no from me. Absolutely not.

- Oh, how I wish I could more properly enjoy this final scene of Ten with the Nobles. On paper it’s absolutely adorable. If they confirm that Fifteen is the regeneration after and not an awkward offshoot, then retroactively I could enjoy this a lot more, but until that potentially happens, I’m still uncomfortable with the two separate Doctors at the same time and therefore uncomfortable with the context of him being here because there was a second Doctor who can keep going instead.

- Would have sworn that the Doctor’s eyebrow story was going to be about Delphon but then he says another name. Oh well.

- I do really like that Mel gets to join in on the Noble family gatherings. Lovely to keep her until the end and that she gets to have sort of a family. “Mad Aunty Mel” 💗

- ^ Also sweet that the Doctor took her to New York in the Gilded Age for a nice little trip at some point in the time skip before this. Mel deserves nice things.

- Why are we saying that Wilf is shooting the moles in the garden? Unless there’s something I’m forgetting where he’s done something like that before, I don’t feel like Wilf would hurt a fly let alone moles. With how hard it was for him to take out his gun after so many years in The End of Time I’m not sure I buy him being okay with shooting anything. Weird note to end on for him.

- Having the Doctor spend most of his time living with the Nobles and resting presents a bit of a Steve-stays-in-the-past-in-Endgame problem in that there’s no way he wouldn’t always be trying to right wrongs around him. Just like Steve would have to ignore every horrible thing he could do something about, including rescuing Bucky who is being tortured out there, any time this Doctor isn’t there when something is going terribly wrong nearby, it means he’s ignoring it while he lounges. That doesn’t sound like him at all.

- And off Fifteen goes, getting ready to go into the Christmas special. I’m worried about it but hopefully it’s better than I think it will be…?

~~~~~

OVERVIEW

Oh, massive mixed bag.

I really like the Toymaker parts of the episode. He wasn’t in nearly as much of it as he should have been and his downfall is disappointing, but the overall writing for him and performance by NPH was fantastic. There’s some very good dark and twisted stuff in here and I’m glad they went for it, even if I would have done even more with it. He is far and away the main highlight of the episode and much of my enjoyment of it is down to him. Mel also plays a considerable role in that, just because I’m thrilled any time an old companion turns up, but I also felt more connected to her, whose stories I haven’t even seen yet, than Ten or Donna somehow. Honorable mention to Kate and Shirley who were also great.

As has been true of all of these, I still just can’t fully emotionally connect with Ten and Donna. I desperately wanted to, and there’s a part of me that did in a way, but nowhere near how it should have been. I feel like I’m insane because on paper there’s nothing even wrong with them and it sure as heck ain’t the performances. But going from a few of their episodes in series 4 in the lead-up and feeling all sorts of strong emotions, that somehow just didn’t carry over to this and I don’t get why. Pacing? Trapped in the poor writing around them? I seriously can’t figure this out, but it doesn’t feel the same as it used to at all. Something is wrong and I don’t know what the heck it is.

And there’s the matter of Ten coming back because apparently that specific incarnation needed a happy ending. I really feel the need to emphasize that I LOVE TEN, but being nostalgic and sentimental isn’t a good enough reason to mess with the regeneration cycle and skip backwards a few lives. Literally the reason they give is that this particular face needed rest (they do say that the Doctor needs rest generally, but they didn’t have to go back to this face to do that — Donna indicates that this face came back so that he could ‘come home’ and be happy.) It feels way too much like favoritism to single this incarnation out in such a big way, and honestly? Ten needed to go when he did. He was becoming someone he wasn’t and it was his time. Of all of the Doctors, his was the one that actually really needed to regenerate, for the sake of his own soul. It was certainly distressing but it was a solid end for him. I don’t feel he needs this do-over to go back and get a happy ending. No one Doctor deserves that over another (though if they did, it would be poor Two whose life was cut short by execution courtesy of his own kind.) I love Ten so dearly but it feels wrong to act like he’s so important that he specifically has earned any of this treatment. I’m beginning to appreciate Tom Baker’s approach of not making multiple comebacks precisely because of his popularity.

For a good chunk of this ep, the writing was pretty good, especially where the Toymaker himself was concerned. But once the bigeneration happened, it was so downhill that it makes me struggle to want to rewatch this even for the good parts. I’m really, really hoping that I’m right and Fifteen is meant to come after Ten 2.0 has already had his lifetime, ditto his TARDIS, because it would largely save this episode for me and because the alternative is completely appalling and I can’t be okay with it. To make matters worse, Russell has claimed that he believes the bigeneration echoed back into all previous regenerations and causing each Doctor to split off from the last so they all get to go on with their own life, that they’re ALL out there in some kind of “Doctorverse”, which is absolutely insane. It defeats the purpose of regeneration: “Times change and so must I,” and, “Life defends on change and renewal.” This completely flies in the face of a critical aspect of the show, that one has to move on eventually. There’s a time for each of these incarnations, but they can’t last forever. It weakens all of these deaths, a good number of which were sacrifices, to claim that they all actually get to live on, and the very idea of it also supports my fear that there’s seriously just supposed to be two Doctors now and we’re supposed to be okay with that. According to Russell there’s a whole ton of Doctors existing simultaneously and that’s supposed to be okay. It’s the definition of bonkers is what it is. I really feel the opposite of all of the ‘RTD saved the show!’ sentiments; it feels like he’s gotten too big for his britches and has returned with a bizarre god complex where he’s wielding way too much power and plans to use all of it however he wishes. He’s single-handedly making me nervous for this entire next era.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BIG PICTURE

Though there are definitely things I liked, particularly the Toymaker and Wild Blue Yonder, there was far too much that I don’t feel good about for me to be able to say I really loved these specials. I probably won’t reblog much of it beyond what I already have and I’m not particularly motivated to rewatch these except in a full-scale series rewatch because I’m not the sort of person who can let myself skip stuff.

I really feel like these should have been either Jodie’s or Ncuti’s. Ten didn’t need to be here, much as I love him. It could have either been a very dramatic ending for Thirteen (though I enjoyed The Power of the Doctor for that) or a very interesting beginning for Fifteen. It would be interesting to see a brand new Doctor have to navigate such intense stuff. And if it had been Thirteen, I honestly feel I may have emotionally connected better because she’s who we’ve been with.

In my perfect world, these would have all had to do with the Toymaker. Have him be woven throughout the first episode (and give that first ep a very different plot than what we got) and then a cliffhanger that reveals him as having been behind it all, leading into two full episodes of fighting against his power. Either keep Wild Blue Yonder, because it’s pretty darn good, and just have it so that my initial thoughts regarding involvement from the Toymaker were correct, or alter it entirely and focus on really delving into who he is and how much danger they’re in. Make them play deadly games. Get some incredibly dark and disturbing visuals and emotional torture in there; show past companions as puppets and dolls (whether it’s really them or not), have them come to life and taunt the Doctor if they’re fake or hauntingly beg him to save them if they’re real, make him face choosing between saving Donna vs other friends, really dig in as deeply and darkly as is possible without permanent consequences like death. Make episode 3 a long battle of wits with lots of intimate time between the Doctor and the Toymaker, with extremely severe personal stakes. Go all out. If you’re going to use the Toymaker again you really should be taking advantage of just how far you can go with a character like this, and the dynamic between him and the Doctor. Give NPH a boatload of screen time and a big, twisted sandbox to play in. Loads of emotionally, mentally, conceptually, and visually dark and disturbing things. They had some very good stuff but there should have been more of it, and even more unsettling, or at least on par with the marionette man and the soldiers turned to balls. If we keep Tennant for this, make the regaining of his face a plot point that was influenced by the Toymaker, something to torture him because Ten was one of the most emotionally volatile and damaged. When regenerating into Fifteen, let it be a normal regeneration, preferably caused by the Doctor needing to sacrifice himself to defeat the Toymaker because he can’t get away like he did before — this time, he really does have to face going down with the Toymaker to succeed. Keep Donna because she’s a prime resource for hitting Ten where it hurts, but have their reunion be orchestrated and the regaining of her memories be more complicated. It shouldn’t be as easy as it was. Have ample time to give full acknowledgment to the stakes involved. If she regains them in the first episode and it feels too easy, make it so that the Toymaker has only made it seem that way, but she’s in serious trouble the longer she goes on with her memory intact. Either tragically make her forget again in the end to save her life and to not completely undo Journey’s End, or make it far more complicated to ensure that she can safely retain the memories. It should only be in the final episode when they’ve fought for it and come out victorious that they can confirm that she’s safe and is able to go on this way. Definitely keep Mel somewhere in here, as well as having other old friends appear in some way or another. In the VERY least, just reference Steven and Dodo, because they didn’t, dang it all, and I ask for so little.

There’s so much that I wish these specials had done, that I wish they’d been. And largely, they just didn’t. For all the good that there was, there was a heck of a lot that ultimately makes it fail as a collective whole, at least for me. I had to put on a Classic story as a palate cleanser after going through all of that again.

[vamossainz55]

Moonlight Ch. 5 | Carlos Sainz Jr. x Reader

hi everybodyyy, a bit late (is it becoming a trend? maybe) but i hope you enjoy it. a lot happens in the chapter but it is a bit of a filler to get the story moving. i tried adding as much carlos x reader as much as possible but the season is starting soon so im excited to get into that!! i think i was able to focus more on writing this one so i think it's also better written but im not too sure tbh! i hope you enjoy and as always please feel free to leave constructive criticism! enjoy <3<3

warnings: nothing just a bit of angst at the end. maybe a bit of swearing.

moonlight masterlist and summary here

short summary: exes to friends to lovers

read chapter four here.

Chapter Five (5k words)

“I am so sorry babe,” You sigh out as you slip on your McLaren shirt to go to the office. It had been a week since you had gone out with Ana and Carlos and it had been really hectic to say the least. The livery announcement date had finally settled and promptly announced which only meant working overtime with the team to make sure everything would happen. Most nights you found yourself coming home very late and in the mornings you were leaving as early as you could. Tom had made it clear that you didn’t need to come earlier and stay later than required (especially since you were on an intern salary) but you really couldn’t help it. You tried your best to get involved in every single thing possible, because what if you never got the opportunity again?

Bastien though was a little less happy about your arrangement. Working longer hours only meant less time to call with him and there was a clear disconnect between you both. A part of you was worried but he was also going to visit you soon so you hoped the tension would disperse then. All worries are gone until you’re telling Bastien about the livery date announcement and there’s a clear frown on his face. 

“So what am I going to do on Valentine’s day in London by myself?” Bastien asks with a hint of annoyance in his voice and you let out a small sigh, shifting to look at your phone where your boyfriend was facetiming you. Bastien had planned a surprise trip to visit you for Valentine’s, wanting to stay with you for a few days, but with your news on the announcement date Bastien was not amused. 

“I was planning on asking if you can join? Tom really likes me, I’m sure he’ll say yes.” You say, sitting in front of where your phone had been perched. You look at yourself through the small view on your phone screen as you clip some parts of your hair to the back to clear up your face. “If not Carlos or Lando can try asking for me I think they could have more influence than me.” You offer up as you adjust your bracelet. 

Bastien looks over the screen and sighs. “I don’t care about these things, you know that.” Bastien says and you frown a little bit at his comment. 

“I know it really isn’t your thing… but it’s my thing.” You say with a small smile. “Please? I’m sure you’ll love it. You’ll get to see the car in person and its really cool.” It looks like Bastien wants to argue but a notification comes on your phone that quickly catches your attention.

“Carlos is here, I’m gonna go yeah?” You say softly, looking over the screen. You hear Bastien sigh a little bit before nodding. 

“Yeah, yeah. I find it weird that he’s driving you to work almost every day now but whatever.” Bastien mumbles and it’s your turn to feel a bit annoyed since he hadn’t made it an issue the days before. 

“It’s not like that. When I went out with Ana and him we realised I’m practically on the way to the office for him. It saves me money from using public transport.” You justify for the third time already, although you understood where he was coming from. “I can stop going with him if you want.” You say again because as much as it didn’t mean anything you understood how it could be uncomfortable for your boyfriend that your ex was driving you almost every morning and evening. There is a moment of silence before Bastien speaks up again.

“No, no. I rather you go with him, it’s safer too.” There’s a part of you that doesn’t really believe him but you decide that it’s better not to say anything. “Just text me when you get home and stuff yeah?” He asks and you give him a nod just as a phone call is coming in. 

“I’m gonna go babe, I love you.” You promise, waiting for him to say it back before you’re picking up Carlos’ call, swinging your bag over your shoulder. 

“Ay, ay, vamos. We’re gonna be late again.” Carlos says as soon as the line connects. You roll your eyes, walking to the elevator. 

“Piss off, we were only late once. I’ll be down in less than five.” You promise, hanging up before he says anything else. By the time you get to the lobby Carlos is not even there, which only makes you scoff in feigned annoyance and disbelief. 

As soon as Carlos pulls up you open the back door to drop your bag there before you’re slipping in the passenger seat.

“You were definitely not here yet.” You tell the Spanish driver as you pull the seat belt on. He seems unfazed as he grins at you, tapping his steering wheel with his fingers before looking over you. You can’t help but smile at the way he’s looking at you, getting you to playfully roll his eyes, the sudden annoyance you felt towards Bastien gone. 

“Buenos dias,” Good morning, Carlos says with a grin, and he’s like this every morning, obnoxiously happy and filled with too much energy. Your eyelids are still heavy, but in your defence Carlos’ mornings started much earlier than yours as he was usually packed with workouts, training, and other things. 

“Morning,” You say, letting out a sigh as you lean back on the chair. “Thanks for picking me up.” You say with a smile. Carlos nods, humming as he changes gears. 

“No worries. I got you coffee.” He says nodding to the Starbucks cup in the cupholder. You look over it sceptically, always being overly picky about your coffee. Before you say anything though Carlos is chipping in, pulling out of the driveway as he speaks. “Don’t worry- it has almond milk with cinnamon and less sugar.” He says, not even glancing over at you as he focuses on turning into the main road. You’re a bit surprised that he remembers your order but you simply murmur a thanks and take a sip, hoping it would help your morning become a little bit more bearable.  

“Are you excited for the unveiling?” You ask Carlos, setting your cup of coffee back on the cup holder. He’s focused on the road, humming softly as he thinks about the question. 

“Yeah, yeah. I am really excited to be honest. It’s always cool to have something that you’ve worked on announced- and we’re so close to testing and for the season to start.” he says quickly glancing over to you before looking back at the road. “What about you? It’s your first time.” He chuckles, slowly stopping the car as you reach a red light. He turns his body slightly towards you, waiting for your answer and you give him a nod. 

“I’m really excited actually.” You laugh softly. “I find it so cool that I’m finally on the other side of it. I remember waiting and having countdowns on my phone for all the unveilings.” You say smiling at him. “I am a bit bummed that we chose valentine’s day though.” You say a bit sheepishly. “My boyfriend’s coming over and I was supposed to take the day off.” Carlos shifts his attention to the road again as the light switches to green and there is a short silence as the car starts to move.

“You can always take the day off.” Carlos suggests with a smirk, knowing you wouldn’t and you shake your head, just proving his point. 

“No way in hell I am missing seeing the whole thing in person. What if I never get to see it again?” You ask but Carlos just chuckles. 

“Oh please, this definitely won’t be your last one.” He says it with conviction which makes you smile. “But, you can always invite him. Think you might be able to bring a guest no?” Carlos says and you give him a small shrug. 

“I’m gonna ask but I don’t think he wants to go. He doesn’t care about these things.” You echo your boyfriend’s words from earlier and you can see Carlos stop himself from frowning too deeply and you fiddle with your bracelet. 

“What do you mean? It’s important to you ” He states plainly, “He should care that you care about it no?” 

You don’t really have an answer to that so you decide to just shrug, this time shifting your attention to the street, suddenly uncomfortable with the shift of the conversation. Carlos seems to pick up on this because he quickly changes the topic about how he had gone golfing with Lando the day before and how the younger boy was still horrible at it still. You appreciate the change and you easily go with it, leaving the thought of Bastien behind. 

--------------------

Bastien arrives the night before the unveiling and you’re ecstatic to see him again as you hadn’t seen him in almost two months which is the longest you both had been apart. The moment you see him exit the arrival gate you’re rushing to him and giving him the biggest hug. You can’t stop smiling until you get to your apartment with him, and it’s all good until you wake up the next morning. 

“Where are you going?” You’re already half dressed when Bastien wakes up, but you had already woken up late from staying up with Bastien. 

“Sorry babe. I told you I had to go to work this morning.” You say softly, coming close to give him a quick kiss. You pull away to see Bastien frowning still. “I was going to wake you up right before I left to say goodbye. Carlos is already waiting for me downstairs.” You explain, giving him another kiss. 

Bastien gives you a nod, looking over you. “We’re still going to the showcasing?” Bastien asks and you nod as you put on your shirt properly. 

“I thought we agreed to go last night.” You say, eyes meeting his. It’s clear that he wants to argue, already sitting up. 

“I just think it’s nicer if we do something else.” He says and you let out a small sigh. 

“I told you I took the day off tomorrow.” You say softly, looking over him. 

“Well, tomorrow isn’t Valentine’s day.” He says and it's killing you how inflexible he was being. Of course valentine’s day was a nice day to celebrate but for you what mattered is that you both were together. 

“Bastien, I have to go. I don’t have time to argue” You say, pocketing your phone, feeling slightly annoyed that you were having the same argument for what felt like the hundredth time. You’re turning to take your things when Bastien butts in again. 

“Never pegged you to be the one to put work before relationships.” He says which stops you at your tracks. 

“You’re joking.” You murmur, starting to feel your patience draw thin. “I’ve joined so many of your work things even though it’s not really my thing, and you used to postpone our dates all the time.” You say, remembering all the business events you joined during your last year of university. It was nice, and you got free food, but you could care less about all the finance speakers you had to sit through. 

“It’s different.” Bastien argues which makes you roll your eyes. Your phone is vibrating as a call comes in, a reminder that Carlos was waiting downstairs. 

“It really isn’t.” You say, already done with the conversation. 

“What time do you need me to show up later?” Bastien asks, more annoyed than anything else. There’s this tone in his voice that you suddenly find aggravating, and you’re unsure if you even want him there anymore. 

“I’ll come home first and then we can go together, ” You’re already grabbing your bags, your phone is vibrating once more, Carlos calling you for the second time already. “I really need to go.” You don’t even sound apologetic this time. “Have fun and keep me updated with what you do. I really need to go. I love you.”  

The day is busy and you don’t even realise Bastien hadn’t texted you until you text him to let him know you’re on the way home. You don’t think much of it as you’d talk to him when you got home. You’re tired from running around so the argument from the earlier morning is at the back of your mind. Only until you find yourself home by yourself, Bastien nowhere to be seen. 

You text him thrice before you call him countless times after. Hours pass and you need to get ready to go to the venue and you’re starting to feel sick. You had no clue where Bastien was, and you were starting to get worried, not even getting ready as you waited on your couch with your legs pressed against your chest. It’s only half an hour before the event when you get a response from him and the words leave you stunned. 

‘Bumped into a friend, i’ll see you later tonight. Enjoy the event. Xxx’ 

You’re out of it when you arrive at the unveiling. Thankfully you’re not late as the doors had opened before the unveiling. You ask your taxi to drop you off at the front of the gates, not minding much to have to walk a bit once you notice the slight traffic. Tom had managed to get you a guest seat but you’re dreading going in to sit by yourself, but something in the corner of your vision catches your eyes. There are several fans there, clearly there in hopes to catch quick glimpses of anybody coming or leaving. You can’t help but walk up to them. 

“Hey, are you here for the announcement?” You’re almost by the entrance and the girl is by herself, clearly nervous. She’s dressed up with a McLaren shirt and she’s holding a hat too. There are others around but most seem to be in groups. 

“Yeah, are you too?” She asks before she’s looking over you. You were dressed up quite nicely, wanting to show the part of being a guest. For a second you doubt if it's okay or not but you’re wanting to do a nice gesture. 

“Actually I am, what’s your name?” You ask softly. The introductions are quick and you learn that she’s been following McLaren for years and that she had been supporting Carlos since his Renault years too. You’re endeared, seeing a bit of you in her and you even feel a bit excited as you speak. “I wanted to ask if you wanted to join inside?” You offer. The girl’s eyes go wide and she looks at you in disbelief. 

“My boyfriend couldn’t make it, so I have an extra ticket.” You smile and she’s quickly nodding, speechless. 

“Thank you so much.” She says as you both start walking. When you get to the entrance you’re flashing your tickets and there is a slight hesitation from the security guard until you show him your company badge too and before you know it you’re in.

Tom was a gem but he wasn’t a miracle worker so you both had to sit somewhere in the back, but the excitement was buzzing from you both. A big part of you was disappointed that Bastien wasn’t there but seeing somebody else as excited as you warmed a small part in your chest. 

The unveiling goes smoothly, and you can’t help but smile when Carlos and Lando come into the light, soon sharing some words as well. The car looks beautiful and the thought of seeing it on track soon and racing had you buzzing. Everybody seemed just as excited, most people leaning on the edge of their seats. All your work felt more real now and the season was starting soon, and you felt impatient for the season to kick off. 

You chat softly with Jess the whole time, soon explaining a bit what you did and explaining to her that you were part of the team. Once everybody starts to disperse and get out of their seats you offer her to walk up to Lando and Carlos, giving her a warning that it might take a bit of time to be able to get to them since they were probably going to be busy with all the sponsors and guests. It’s when you’re both getting up for your seats when you notice that Carlos and Lando are actually walking up to you both. They both look a bit confused when they spot Jess next to you but they smile at her anyways, greeting and introducing themselves. 

“Oh my god. Hi- it’s really cool to finally meet you both. I’ve always been the biggest McLaren fan.” She says with a wide smile before explaining that you had invited her in. The boys simply grin and nod, you give them both a nudge with a marker and soon they’re signing her things. 

“It was nice meeting you and thanks for following us! I hope we can make this an exciting season.” Carlos grins at her before turning to you. “We gotta run to Zak before he tells us off for sneaking off but we’ll meet a bit later yeah?” Carlos asks, already nudging Lando to follow along as they both begin to walk off. You give them a quick smile and nod before you turn to Jess who’s again thanking you profusely. 

You hang around with Jess up until the end of the event, introducing her to some other colleagues that you bumped along the way. You might have said a white lie or two that Jess was your friend and a big fan, just in case you’d get in trouble for technically bringing a stranger, but thankfully nobody questions it too much. 

You end up exchanging your contact information with her before you’re heading off to the back, deciding to help with some things since you had the time anyways. Tom catches you just as you’re slipping into the back of the auditorium. 

“What are you doing here hm? You’re not supposed to work.” he scolds playfully and you can’t help but give a sheepish laugh. 

“I wanted to help out and Lando and Carlos told me to meet up with them after.” You explain before telling Tom a lie about how your boyfriend wasn’t feeling well to come. “But I brought a friend, I hope that’s okay.” You say with a smile and Tom rolls his eyes, saying of course. You hear a door from down the hall open and you look over when you hear somebody speak up. 

“Ah, there you are.” Lando says, still in his racing suit as he walks towards you with a grin. Tom is soon excusing himself, saying that he had to work on something. “Where’s your boyfriend?” Lando asks once Tom’s out. You shrug with a small smile just as Carlos peaks into the hallway, he’s also still in his racing suit. As soon as he comes up to you both he’s echoing the same question as Lando. 

“He wasn’t in the mood to join.” You shrug, “Don’t know where he is.” You say, trying your best to hide the annoyance wash over you at the reminder that he had ditched you. Carlos is looking at you like he wants to say something but he stays silent, and your eyes linger a bit on him but Lando is soon speaking up. 

“Carlos and I were planning to grab food. Do you wanna join?” Lando offers.

The Spanish driver is quick to butt in. “You don’t have plans after with your boyfriend?” He asks sceptically and you shake your head. Carlos raises his brow slightly before nodding, “Okay, you’re joining then. And I’m not taking no for an answer.” 

You wait for both guys to change into their clothes before you’re heading to the parking space with them. They’re rattling on about having to talk to too many sponsors and guests and you can’t help but smile, shaking your head in amusement. 

“So who am I hitching a ride from?” You ask when you realise they both had driven to the office. Lando is quick to take the responsibility, wanting to prove that he was a better driver than Carlos. 

“Not true, but I’ll drop you off later, yeah?” Carlos says as he’s going to his car. You give him a nod before you’re heading to Lando, already teasing him to not crash the car and to make sure you both made it to dinner. 

Funnily enough dinner ends up in the park. The guys had not thought about the date so they hadn’t reserved any table and of course Valentine’s day only meant one thing, most places were packed to the brim. You had suggested McDonalds and the two had grinned, looking at each other and agreeing that it was a good evening to have a cheat day. 

“Can’t believe every single restaurant we called and drove to was full.” Lando says as he sits on the table’s bench, swinging his leg over it to settle down next to you. Carlos is sitting across you both, already digging through his McDonald’s bag. 

“I mean, it is valentine’s day. It’s one of the busiest days.” You chuckle, “You two should’ve thought it through.” you jokingly tease, already grabbing one of your fries. 

“I’m sorry- last time I celebrated valentine’s day I think I just spent it at home with my ex.” Lando says defensively, his hands are up and you can’t help but roll your eyes at him. “Do you always reserve for valentine’s?” he asks you and you give him a smirk. 

“Never had to do the reservation. One of the only privileges of being a girl.” You joke, sticking your tongue out. Lando scoffs but murmurs a makes sense before he’s turning to Carlos. 

“When’s the last time you celebrated Valentine’s?” He asks Carlos in between bites of his food. Carlos looks at him before instinctively looking at you. 

“Really? That’s the last time?” You ask quite surprised, not managing to bite back your tongue, Carlos scowls at your reaction. You bite the inside of your cheek but that doesn’t stop you from letting out a laugh, “Sorry, I’m just surprised, really.” You laugh softly. 

“What’s so surprising about that?” Carlos groans and Lando is stifling a laugh too. You shake your head but Carlos nudges you under the table with his foot. “Come on now. Tell me!” He insists and you’re laughing again.

“I don’t know. You’re an F1 driver now, you’re good looking, funny, why wouldn’t you be going out on Valentine’s day?” You question, smiling at him. You hold eye contact for a second before Carlos is looking down at his food. The lights in the park are quite dimmed and a part of you wonders whether Carlos was blushing or not, but you don’t play around with that thought too much. 

“You weren’t surprised when I said I haven’t been on a Valentine’s date in a while.” Lando says, clearly too offended to notice Carlos’ change in demeanour. You laugh at his comment and you’re shaking your head. 

“I didn’t mean it that way and you know it.” You state with a smile before focusing back on your food. 

“So,” Lando starts off after a beat of silence. “What did you guys do for valentine’s? Apart from Carlos making the reservations?” he asks, still not letting the topic go. You think Carlos is about to tell him to shut up but Carlos looks at you with furrowed eyebrows. 

“Which one was the last one?” He asks, thinking as he scratches his chin. “Was it when we went on that boat dinner?” Carlos asks curiously and you need to think for a second before you’re nodding. 

“Yeah- it was after your announcement in Toro Rosso.” You say, resting your chin on your hand. It was nice, you both had taken a trip to the caribbean and spent a few days there. 

“I booked that dinner like two months in advance just to be sure.” Carlos chuckles before looking at Lando. “It was nice, but expensive.” He says before thinking a bit more. “It was worth it though, we stayed the night in the boat no?.” Carlos says and you give him a nod as confirmation. 

The rest of the dinner is nice, but there is a small nagging voice inside your head, wondering where Bastien was. You check your phone a bit too many times in hopes to get a text but it’s radio silent, you find yourself talking a lot, wanting to distract yourself and to push Bastien to the back of your mind and it kind of works. Time passes and before you know it you’re getting into Carlos’ car, putting on your seatbelt as you shift a bit. You had thanked Lando for asking you to join and told him to drive safely before he had headed off to his own car. 

“God I am so full. I always eat too much.” You say, resting your hands on your belly, you’re trying to fill the silence, it was late and you didn’t want to let your mind wander. Carlos on the other hand is quiet and you look over him, curious about his silence. “Thanks for driving me home” You say just as he is starting the car. The lack of answer makes you nervous and you shift a bit in your seat.

“Are you okay?” Carlos finally replies and the question catches you a bit off guard. You look back at him, tilting your head slightly. 

“What do you mean?” You ask. 

“I mean, you told me Bastien had agreed to join and he didn’t” He says, not making a move to pull out the car. You feel a bit nervous now, having thought that the conversation had been left behind in the office. 

“He wasn’t in the mood so he texted me that he changed his mind.” You say, hoping it was truthful enough. You’re waiting for Carlos to pull out of the parking spot but he doesn’t. Instead he takes the opportunity to turn to you a bit more, wanting to face you properly. 

“He texted you?” Carlos asks, a bit confused. You shift a bit in your seat, looking at him properly as well. 

“He wasn’t home when I got there to get ready so,” Your voice is a bit softer this time and Carlos looks more than unimpressed. 

“Okay.” he says before turning to look ahead of him again, this time changing gears to pull out from parking. “I’m here if you wanna talk about it, or if you’re not comfortable, talk to Lando, or any of your friends.” Carlos murmurs, glancing over to you again. “Don’t keep things to yourself too much. I know you tend to do that.” Carlos says with a small smile before he’s driving you home. 

It’s not that you don’t want to answer but you don’t really have the words. The silence in the car is ringing in your ears and you can’t help but finally let the bitterness and hurt settle in your chest. You blame it on being tired, or on Carlos’ words but you feel your eyes get glossy as he reaches the road. You look up, wanting to stop your eyes from overflowing. It’s embarrassing really (and a bit pathetic, you think), crying over your boyfriend in front of your ex. 

You’re frustrated more than anything, not knowing why Bastien had decided to ditch at the last minute. It was understandable that he wasn’t into motorsports or racing  but you couldn’t comprehend why he couldn’t make a small effort to go for you. You had supported him in everything and it was starting to hurt that you didn’t feel like the effort was returned. Were you doing something wrong? 

Carlos doesn’t say anything for a while, simply putting on the radio as you quietly wipe your cheeks.“I’m sorry,” You murmur after a bit, trying your best to recollect yourself. 

“You’re okay. Did you forget how much you used to cry in front of me?” Carlos teasigly says and you roll your eyes, wiping your cheeks. 

To be fair he was right. Even before you two had dated he had been your closest friend. The amount of times he had seen you cry about boys, your family, school (or anything really) were endless. You hated crying by yourself and the moment Carlos had discovered this he had always tried to be there. 

He would always take you on drives, following the road as long as he could to let you cry it out. Most times he was quiet, whilst other times he was cursing off whoever had upset you with you. 

You don’t remember the last time you’ve cried like this. You had been so busy after moving and as always your family barely had time to catch up with you. Bastien was always busy and your calls were usually catch ups about the day, but it was hard to talk to him about your feelings as he was quick to say that it was going to be okay and to dwell on things too much. All your friends were also busy with their own internships or work so hadn’t had any time to properly speak or think about how you were feeling.  

There’s a weird new feeling mixing in your chest and it takes you a moment to realise what it is. 

You’re watching Carlos drive as you let out sniffles and continue wiping your cheeks. You missed your best friend. 

The thought of it only makes you tear up more so recollecting yourself doesn’t really happen and you’re dreading having to go home to a probably empty apartment like this. “How far are we?” You ask quietly and Carlos simply shrugs. 

“As far as you need us to be.” he says and you look at him quietly before nodding and looking back at the road. 

You don’t really say anything back but you know you don’t need to. 

fin.

read chapter six here

a/n: helloooo hope you enjoyed. what do you guys think? did bastien have the right to be upset? did that mean it was okay for him to ditch? are we happy to see carlos and reader connecting again?? also please feel free to leave constructive criticism and your thoughts, it really helps <3 i'll try my best to update by next week.

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[fiftysevenacademics]

I've been thinking a lot about how important it is to discover and pursue activities, hobbies, and interests you enjoy that are within your means, ability, and time constraints, whatever those may be. Your circumstances in life may change and you never know what aspects of your past experiences will stand out as good times. Doing things you enjoy, as long as they don't harm yourself or others, can get you through hard times and later, help you incorporate the bad times into a more balanced narrative of your life.

There have been a few moments like this for me but only relatively recently have I found myself slightly longing for some aspects of "the bad old days" because of a hobby I picked up during the most recent (and hopefully last) of them. I had broken up with someone and moved out of their house, but since I had gotten rid of almost everything I owned to fit my family in their small house, I had to completely rebuild my household. But, since I also had absolutely no money, no good career prospects (I was employed but not very securely and not making enough money), and was just at my wit's end generally in life, I went to thrift stores to get everything I needed and in the process, discovered antique and vintage glass was interesting, abundant, and very, very cheap. So that is what I restocked my kitchen with and began collecting. 

I found myself with more free time than money or friends and loads and loads of anxiety, grief, and stress, and instead of sitting around obsessing on the many choices that had led me to the unhappy place I was now, I spent nearly every free minute driving around to all the thrift stores in my region. When I wasn't thrifting, I was learning about the glass I was buying up at a rapid pace. Eventually I started selling some of it and making almost enough to support, or at least justify my habit.

After a few years, it did begin to feel more like a compulsion than a pleasure, something I had to do but didn't necessarily enjoy as much anymore. I had also narrowed down my collecting interests somewhat and was beginning to amass far more glass than I knew what to do with. I had become a solid member of a glass collecting community or club that helped me learn without having to buy so much stuff, plus, I had managed to turn my life around and was in a much healthier psychological and even financial space. I still collect and still love to thrift, but I do it a lot less and am very picky about what I buy now.

But I do miss those days when I'd get out early to hit the first store when it opened and be at the last store when it closed for the day, getting up the next day and doing it again. The excitement I'd feel driving, the thrill of the hunt, the pleasure of discovering places and routes within my region that I never had any reason to visit before, even though they weren't far away. It was obsessive, a minor luxury. I miss that feeling of joy, which I remember so well because everything else in my life felt awful.

I used to listen to the radio while driving around and certain early 2000's songs yank me right back if I hear them no, not to the anxiety or difficulties I faced but to those happy hours. When I think back on those days, the good moments pop first into mind and help me remember other positive things that happened during this era of my life, good decisions I made, good things that happened with or for my kids, and not only the bad ones.

I think because I found one small source of happiness during what felt like a very low point in my life, I've been able to see it more objectively, some 15+ years later, as not as bad as it seemed at the time. I've since used this trick to reframe other bad eras of my life. It's easy to dwell on the bad stuff, my mistakes and failures, but if I can find one thing that I really enjoyed doing during that time, I can go back and reframe that time as special in some way, because of this nice thing I discovered that perhaps I didn't get to do later, or that maybe lost a bit of its luster as my life improved. 

[sublightsleeper]

Twenty Questions for Fic Writers

@willowmckinley tagged me!

1. How many works do you have on ao3? 74! Man it really doesn't feel like I've written that much.

2. What's your total ao3 word count? 227,559!

3. What fandoms do you write for? Justified and wrestling most often. Then one offs for things that made me crazy.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos? 1) Should Old Acquaintance Be Forgot (MCU, Starker). 2) Every Animal Has Rules (Nope, Angel/OJ) 3) I Try To Picture Me Without You (Moon Knight, Steven/Marc) 4) Six Years (MCU, Starker) 5) Fine By Me (Ted Lasso, Isaac/Colin)

It's hilarious to me that that 35 of my fics are Justified and not a single one cracks the top 5.

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? I try to! But currently my inbox on Ao3 is 400 deep so uh. I'm working on it! Sometimes I get overwhelmed, sometimes I just don't know what to say in response. But I greatly appreciate every comment I get!

6. What is a fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? So I personally think it's It Matters Where You Live. It's MCD and grief and I went Through It writing it. But if I go with the emotional trauma I've caused on the server, it's Buttermilk.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? I had to think really hard about this, because mostly I write smut and sadness. But if I had to pick one, it's probably Every Animal Has Rules because it leaves it on a note of hope and happiness.

8. Do you get hate on fics? So...not directly on Ao3? I've gotten a deluge of 'kill yourself' messages on tumblr in the past, but it mostly just made me more nonchalant about the gross shit I write. But yeah thankfully no mean comments.

9. Do you write smut? Hell yeah I do.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written? I enjoy them immensely! Haven't written a lot. I think the only one on Ao3 is And Having Been Set Free which is Justified/Supernatural. Because I am a cliche.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? I am privileged I guess because I was not even aware that was a thing.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated? Someone asked once I think? Probably on an MCU fic.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before? Nope! But I share the 'Out My Back Door' series with @itookyoudown!

14. What's your all-time favorite ship? Oh lord. I cannot do all time. Recency bias my beloved. Currently enjoying Sanji/Luffy/Zoro. Long time loves are Malec, Alfie/Tommy and Givenson.

15. What's a wip you want to finish, but doubt you ever will? A Malec fic based very, very loosely on Crazy Rich Asians. I had big plans and an outline and the final season just took the winds right out of my sails.

16. What are your writing strengths? Oh boy, I am not good at saying nice things about myself. My visuals, maybe? I'd like to think it's my ability to portray emotion, but who knows.

17. What are your writing weaknesses? Finishing things. Being hyper sensitive to things most people wouldn't even call criticism. If I write a gift fic (which whoo boy learned my lesson on that one) and it doesn't get the exact range of response I want, it really kicks me in the emotional balls. Which isn't fair to me or anybody else. So I'm really working on 1) finishing things before I post any. And 2) writing for myself so I don't end up disappointed.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic? I am monolingual. I might slip a curse word in another language but beyond that, I'll go with the tried and true italics.

19. First fandom you wrote for? Oh Jesus. Uh...Dragon Ball Z, I think. Self insert fic at like 12. Yikes. I printed it on fancy parchment paper too.

20. Favorite fic you've written? And Everything Went Black - Wrestling fic, MoxEddie. To this day it's probably my favorite thing I've written. (Stefon voice: It's got everything!) Demon possession, weird visuals, dreams as metaphors and two dudes in love. Nowhere near a popular thing but my beloved.

@fourtacosandaburrito @blizzardsuplex @batboymilo @theaerialassassin @hoodyhoo

[minggukieology]

So I have a question that requires an open mind and perhaps a “tin hat”. I was reading about Jimin referencing 2315 during PTD so I looked at dates. This is a reach.., but.. well here goes, lol.

If you calculate the number of days between Nov 8, 2015 and Feb 1, 2023 -excluding both Nov 8th and Feb 1st, it equals 2641 which added together is 13 :) Not sure if that is how date the calculations are done? Do you omit the starting and ending dates when calculating anniversaries etc?

Coincidence most definitely? Or not? If I did the calculations correctly, a nice coincidence?

Hi there! Thanks for your message.

First off, let me start by being very honest and saying I don't personally entertain this type of narrative no matter who it is done by and who it is about. Seeing some meaning in a set of numbers and then proceeding to throw random ones into the mix just so that they fit into your own presumed context is hitting QAnon level of conspiracy thinking. Alas you admit it yourself, yet proceed to pull strings from all possible corners to arrive at any satisfying (to you) conclusion. That being said if it makes sense to you and makes you happy, go ahead and enjoy it. But from my point of view, you just wrote a bunch of numbers and dates and drew connections that are void of reason.

Anyways to add a bit more cultural context, yes numbers and dates are important in Korean culture, esp when it comes to dating life, fortune etc. Korean couples celebrate their 100/×00th day anniversary, their yearly anniversary, their 1000th day anniversary; Peppero day, Valentines day, White day etc those are also all important in dating culture. So, yes counting days from when the couple officially got together is also a thing. To add, it is typically a young people thing, as they are prone to follow trends and show off their couple looks and gifts etc.

In context of BTS or specifically now Jimin and Jungkook, 13 has been mentioned a lot and yes there is a signifance for this number that is justified and logical, as they themselves referred to it on multiple occasions and emphasized its significance. It is also justified and logical to ascribe meaning to different dates that were pronounced and even mentioned by them, such as "Jimin day" or "Jungkook day." Similarly, we also have 지민+시 = 지민시 (Jimin+si) as 10:13 Jimin o'clock. However, anything beyond that is just fanmade narratives. And yes, I am fully aware a lot of those narratives come from Korean fans. But it is important to emphasize they are also just fans. Meanwhile the fandom might feel like their cultural background gives legitimacy to whatever they say and whatever patterns they see, they are no less prone to cognitive dissonance and logical fallacies as any other group of fans or group of people really.

This is now a whole meta discourse that could be dissected in pages and pages. But to sum up, I don't look for hidden meanings in the dates of their posts, and especially not the hour and the minute they post at, or try to analyze numbers they mention (in my opinion) pretty randomly (and even if not by random, anything that is not given context by them is just pure speculation, fantasy)

Once again, this egregiously long reply might feel like sort of an attack so let me reiterate: if these types of posts, theories, coincidences bring you joy, go ahead and indulge in them (I myself do sometimes as well)!! but please don't get too lost in the sauce. I understand, many jikookers are set out to *always* find some kind of connection or link in between Jimin and Jungkook even in completely unrelated scenarios, but make sure to be aware of this echo chamber and think critically.

(sidenote: I apologize if I am missing some obvious connotation that has sprung up on Twitter or some other corner of the Internet recently, I am not so active within the fandom anymore)

[pansear-doodles]

Your ability to make such great art and great stories so frequently is really impressive :D! Do you have any tips on how to maintain that kind of drive?

Oh boy

my fellow tumblrian followers, its time i give a long tangent of advice when it comes to maintaining a drive

and I mean VERY long so bear with me.

So first off the bat, I'm not the best person when it comes to focus and consistency. You might immediately think otherwise considering what I post as of recent but actually- my Rain World hyperfixation has disturbed most of my scheduled stuff (but I at least maintain some aspect of uniform somewhere such as making sure I have enough sleep and having something to eat, and making sure I attend my college classes).

Aside from that however, there are actually positive factors and outcomes when it comes to this, or well- tangible from the idea of me posting RW content so frequently and everyday.

I'll go over the major ones:

Passion and Motivation I love Rain World so much and I don't even play it, yet I continue to try making fanart, which I enjoy doing. But why do I do it? Why do I continue to draw it? Why do I want to interpret these funky looking characters in my own way and in my own visions? Simple. Because I *want* to. Nobody is subjecting me nor forcing me to draw these characters. Nobody can stop me from drawing these characters because I know whatever the hell I'm doing with them isn't going to harm people. I always have these personalized thoughts of projecting myself into these fictitious worlds... playing with them as if they're barbie dolls... dissecting them for who they really are as a character... wanting to see them be happy or go through experiences I had or emotions that are uncommon in their canon. I *want* to see depressed characters have a fun time and go through the feelings I went through with them, and its not just exclusive to the Rain World fandom- I've been through past fandoms where my favorite characters have depressing lives yet I find enjoyment when I draw them smiling or hanging out with their friends. I generally don't like venting, but the best I can do to occasionally let loose of my thoughts is to translate it through how the characters act. I *want* them to achieve things that I myself easily could not so I can feel a satisfactory warmth for every bit of that I do. (and encourage myself to do the same) Although... I have to iterate that sometimes its not going to be healthy. Like- do I want to be a murderous bloodthirsty war criminal like Artificer? My most favorite slugcat? Of course not. Its always good and justified to differentiate reality from fiction, and if you have that sort of sense you'd be happy if you can express the real thoughts you have through fiction. That's what its created for after all- and its not just to entertain others, but also yourself!

Real life fuel I LOVE music and I am unable to work nor draw without them. It keeps something busy in the background and really sets the mood. But for me personally, I put on music that's appropriate for my situation. It can range from Jazz, Anime OPs, Video Game Music, Rock, etc. If I want to pump out art or feel energetic, I put on energetic music. If I want to think with comprehensive words and not be too distracted, I put on something lyric less and something calm. Music is not the only thing that keeps me going physically. There's food and drinks (the latter I make with most). But did you know... I hate coffee? Yeah that's right. Throw all your tomatoes. I just don't like the bitterness of it. Coffee is a good drink to keep one awake, but since I don't like it- I look for alternatives. Strangely enough, soda drinks both keep me awake and allow me to sleep better. If you have something like that- a strange food quirk or a food in general that will keep you uppity up and motivated, I recommend you consume them (but not excessively- make sure you maintain a balanced diet). And speaking of the such- make sure to keep your body moving. I do take walks and breaks from the computer. It does help with generating ideas (you have no idea how many ideas that pop in and I immediately make them to a reality), so make sure to write them down so you don't forget them!

Listen from experience and heart I didn't just become a subjectively good artist out of the blue. I had to work my way up here for you to see my content as is. Its not my first time making comics and its definitely not my first time interpreting an existing character in my own way. To tell you the truth... I don't usually have my comic projects finished or at least go through all the way. Its hard for me to be consistent and dedicated to one project. So how did I finish Heist? Calling back to the first factor: Its a strong desire for me to tell this story after all. I want to show the Rain World fandom my interesting ideas (well, interesting to *me*). Heist is not perfect of course. Its borderless, uncolored, sketchy, etc. But what mattered to me at the time is my strong desire of telling it anyway (and I'm still doing it right now with both of my Artihunter-centered comics!). I did the best I could. I tried it. Found feedback to use for improvements. Marched forward! There is always a first time for everything and all it takes is a leap of faith, patience and encouragement, self-confidence, and lots and lots of practice. Your desires are stronger than the placed subjective you are underneath of.

Letting inspiration flow you Nothing in this world is purely original. Some concepts are based from other concepts, even ones where we think is the base concept of those concepts. Usually when there is something I REALLY like, I borrow those ideas excitedly. I embrace these thoughts of enjoying those very ideas and translate them in my own special way. I look at this thing and tell myself: "I really like this thing! Maybe I can expand that." The Rain World fandom is, by far throughout my experiences, the MOST inspirational fandom I've ever been on. People come up to me and admit they're inspired from me, even the subtle ones! (I had people tell me that they've never really seen drawings of Artificer's tail being a fuse until I came in with the idea; they might be coincidences and people can think of it independently, but some are straight up admitting, which is very interesting and nice) And in return, I get inspired by them back! Memes and nods and all. I look at someone's drawing of Gourmand wearing a shirt that says "here for cake" and I do it with my own because I find it funny and cute. I look at someone's drawing of how Hunter holds the spears on their back using rot, and I translate that in my own way combining with what I have: hair that holds it as a result from the rot. I look at someone's art of Artificer X Hunter for the first time, found it a bit funny, turned it into a meme, rolled a bit more with it, found it potentially engaging and emotion-driven, then the next thing you know, everyone's screaming over me saying "you did this! now we ship it too! curse you!" and I find that hilarious and very thoughtful and nice. (and now we have a dedicated tag for it LOL) Influence is a very strong word in the internet, especially between artists. No artist can avoid influence, not even outside of the internet. I embrace said influence and let it go through my veins, mixing and matching and concocting them in my own Pansear-styled tastes. It is EXTREMELY fun and I've been doing it for the longest time! Inspiring each other is so cool and I wanna be in the ride of that!

Freedom

Repeat after me: "I am cringe, but I am free"

But Pansear! You may think to yourself: this phrase has a different meaning and or may be senseless whatsoever. To that which I reply: You're talking to someone who thinks a bit outside of the box and enjoys being chaotic. A funny phrase may be funny or overdone, but there is meaning to some. For me at least, I interpret it as "I may be doing stuff I might regret or might be bullied of, but at least I am having fun."

I think everyone agrees that in the end, we are all internet users of our own right, artists and nonartists, we have our own meanings and own ways of enjoying things. Some people might not prefer my ideas or vibe with them, and I can feel the same. There is no shame in being different. I am guilty of constantly comparing myself to other artists. I get envious, admittedly, of how people can draw the scugs prettier than I could. But I always try to translate these feelings of envy and jealousy into a motivational factor- a positive emotion that speaks "If I can try, I will try harder" or "I think these ideas are pretty neat and I am inspired by them actually" or "everyone's visions are different from mine so I shouldn't bother with trying to be the same with everyone else"

Conclusion/TLDR: It helps to be yourself and have fun! Be passionate! Embrace that chaotic and happy energy and remember to go off with confidence. Keep trying and you'll eventually reach things, even if its going to be difficult. I make it sound easy to do, but I definitely know its not as everyones' approach is different, but there's no harm in just doing it.

[bondsmagii]

Having an existential crisis right now and I shall come to your inbox like a sinner comes to a priest.

So I'm 25, college dropout, barely held a job (like did it for 2 months) and am completely supported by my parents. I'm in every aspect the definition of failure, right? Objectively. Some part was due to mental illness, but mostly me being a lazy and stupid asshole who didn't know what to do with their lives. And then I realized I wanted to be an artist, right? Like one does. And I'm pretty good at it also, think I might have a chance, had some interest in my little art. Very happy. But, but, sadly, to me and all the nation, my parents are rich white awful conservatives who have a very heavy foot on local politics. So, you know, giving the culture of accountability, which I do support, I would've been canceled if I ever attempted to be an artist, which is understandable. Like I've had enormous privileges that were born out of shitty shitty ways. And while I can justify it as a minor, I don't think that being like "well I was a little sad and a little lost and did bad choices" is an excuse when you're a grown ass adult. I directly benefited from money earned by bad ways and just being supported by hateful hateful harmful people. It's like they calling out Benedict cumbebatch for their family being slave owners, you know? You might not have directly done the harm but you did benefit from it. I did benefit from it - everything I ever had and eaten and done was paid for with my dad being an asshole politician. Anyway, I know I can't pursue art, you know? Like I know it. I understand it. I know it's my fault for not leaving early and not getting my shit together and if I ever had a fighting chance of not being an asshole and associated with my family of assholes that chance was turning 18 and leaving - which I didn't do. And it's not like I don't plan on leaving, I absolutely do. Want to get my shit together and cut this people off as soon as possible. But it makes me so sad that I cannot pursue art bc of this. I try to imagine my dream life, like everyone does, and even then when I dream of being an accomplished writer, i can only imagine me being canceled and publicly shamed for coming out of this shitty ass rich family and everything I ever did stained in an irreparable way. In my dreams I'm jk rowling and my past is like her tweeting. A whole life of work and creation destroyed and ruined. People feeling ashamed of even having liked your art to begin with. Like Man, i could even be acused of nepotism, although it truly never played any part on anything. My parents give two shots about art and have no contact with the art world whatsoever. But still, you know, son of a politician. Plus its not only bc of them but bc of my past actions, I am the stereotypical entitled asshole who doesn't work and dropped out of college and fucked up in general. I didn't mean to be one, it just happened I guess. It infuriates me, I wish I could go back to 18 year old me and drag my ass out of the bed and just like beat the shit out of me. Wish I could do it to last year me too, to be honest. Turning 25 really does change a men's perspective. Not that I didn't know I was a failure, but I was quite prone to outsourcing the guilt, you know.

Well, anyways, I know I don't deserve pity or anything like that I mean cmon, but by God did I manage to fuck myself over thoroughly by just doing nothing. Literally doing nothing. It's very frustrating, feeling your past eat your future alive. Undescriblale grief, truly. Anyway, probably gonna become a history teacher now. Go back to college.

But it feels like I will never be able to erase my parents fingerprints of my life tho and everything I ever do will be derivative of the privilege they gave me growing up, which wouldn't be a bad thing, if I didn't fucking hate them and they weren't awful ppl.

Inescapable hell, I tell you. Deserved, I know. It's like that tiktok song "I know I fucked up but jesus".

Yeah anyway

Thank you for hearing my confession bc like father have I sinned.

I say all of this in the absolute kindest way, anon, and with the disclaimer that I firmly believe that nobody is undeserving of redemption and everybody deserves the chance to be happy: this is absolutely delusional, and I'm sorry that you've come to think this way. I am so sorry that you feel you need to live a half-life you're completely lacking passion for, based on these ridiculous arbitrary ideas on who is "allowed" to produce art. I'm sorry that you've been led to believe that the mistakes and choices we make as young people define the rest of our lives and we're not allowed to move on from them. and I'm sorry that you've been made to feel like you will never escape the shadow of your parents. all of this is absolutely false, and I sincerely hope you rethink. I'm going to go through a few things that stood out to be here, because Christ, anon, this is not the way.

So, you know, giving the culture of accountability, which I do support, I would've been canceled if I ever attempted to be an artist, which is understandable.

no, it's not. the current culture of accountability, like many things, came from a place of genuine desire to hold the people doing society the most harm to account. it was designed to call out billionaires and millionaires, and corrupt police forces, and parasitic business practises, and organisations like Hollywood and colleges that covered up constant sexual assault and harrasment, and other things of a similarly insidious calibre. it was never designed for small fry like your parents, who, while perhaps terrible, have likely not done anywhere near this level of damage. even if they have, it was never designed for the children of these people. unless the child grows up, learns better, and still choses to be ignorant and go into the family business, the blame does not rest with them. this level of accountability -- that the child is accountable for the sins of the parent -- is more in line with Soviet Russia or North Korea. it is deranged.

you know better now. take steps to get away and become self-sufficient. you do not deserve to be "held accountable" for being a minor child, and then being a dumb idiot in your early 20s. you are 25 years old. that's an impressively young age to screw your head on right. I know people twice your age (literally!) who still can't admit they've been assholes in the past. you have the rest of your life to learn and do the right thing. denying yourself the life you want in order to beat yourself up over these made-up "crimes" is akin to white guilt in the way that it helps absolutely nobody and "makes up" for nothing. not to mention coming off as self-centred and conceited, putting yourself at the centre of something that harmed others, which is obviously not what you're going for. you do not need to do penance for the rest of your life because you were born to assholes.

And while I can justify it as a minor, I don't think that being like "well I was a little sad and a little lost and did bad choices" is an excuse when you're a grown ass adult.

you are only 25. this idea that all these young people on TikTok or Twitter or whatever have absolutely spotless political credentials is a lie. you made bad choices. you recognised they were bad. now you want to avoid repeating those choices. you have made a mistake and learned from it, and become a better person. that's how it's supposed to work. you don't fuck up and then have to retire from life forever. I will sooner trust somebody who openly admits to being privileged and ignorant in the past than someone who claims they never had a problem with it, and I do not subscribe to the idea that the more oppressed you are, the better you are morally. the best among us are those who fuck up and learn and admit and accept their capacity to cause harm. the worst among us are those who think they're immune to learning, always right, and incapable of doing wrong.

Anyway, I know I can't pursue art, you know? Like I know it.

you are wrong. all art is worth something. every human on the planet has the right to create art and be appreciated for it. it is not something you "earn" the right to do by being adequately oppressed. everyone has something worth saying, and the problem is with industries that amplify certain art over others, not the artists and their backgrounds. it is also fully possible to use your privilege and contacts to shine light on issues and artists that deserve more attention. the idea that if you're too privileged you're not "allowed" to make art, or you have nothing worth saying, is absolutely fucking insane and is not an attitude you come across among normal, intelligent people.

Like Man, i could even be acused of nepotism, although it truly never played any part on anything.

the wonderful thing about callout culture is that you could be accused of anything some random, bitter, uncharitable user decides. I have been accused of being a genocide supporter, a neo-Nazi, a transphobe, and a paedophile. you'll learn quickly as a writer that people who do this are stupid as shit and nobody with a braincell listens to them. I strongly recommend spending more time offline to recalibrate yourself to how normal people think.

Plus its not only bc of them but bc of my past actions, I am the stereotypical entitled asshole who doesn't work and dropped out of college and fucked up in general. I didn't mean to be one, it just happened I guess. It infuriates me, I wish I could go back to 18 year old me and drag my ass out of the bed and just like beat the shit out of me. Wish I could do it to last year me too, to be honest.

we all wish this. I was a cunt at 18. I was a cunt at 21. I was a cunt probably up until I was 26, so congrats, you're a year ahead of me. you know better now. you fully deserve to learn from your mistakes and be allowed the opportunity to be a better person. nobody on the planet is immune from being an asshole, especially at this age. you are right on track, at the age where most people mature and grow out of their assholishness. this is not some irredeemable flaw that you possess because of your parents' privilege. this is called growing up. it is good and it is normal.

Well, anyways, I know I don't deserve pity

I don't like to give out pity anway, as I find it condescending, but you do have my sympathy. you should feel guilt for any people you have actually hurt, yourself, through bad behaviour in the past. but you have my sympathy for the way that you've been made to believe that these mistakes, which you regret and wish to change and never repeat, should doom you to a life of misery, that you do not particularly want, and that apparently mean you're not "allowed" to follow your passions. that is desperately sad. I am sorry this has happened to you. you deserve a chance to prove yourself a better, wiser person, and you deserve the rewards that should come from changing. forgive yourself.

But it feels like I will never be able to erase my parents fingerprints of my life

not quite the same situation as you, but I once thought this exactly. my parents fucked me up big time, and I thought that I would never escape them. now nothing I have has anything to do with them. it's possible and you will get to this point too. think about the life that you want -- that is not theirs. but living miserably in penance for your parents' sins? that will ensure that you will never, ever escape them. the choice is yours.

Inescapable hell, I tell you. Deserved, I know.

never deserved. if you want to do better you deserve the chance. it is never too late to start doing better, it's never too late to change yourself, and if you're sincere and you succeed, you deserve to be happy.

finally, to reiterate something I said earlier: spend less time online. this kind of thought process is only found in people who spend excruciating amounts of time online. people do not think like this in the real world. grown adults with critical thinking skills and basic empathy do not think you should suffer forever because your parents were assholes and you made some stupid choices in your teens and early twenties. being exposed to the kinds of "politics" you get online -- which is less about politics and more about power and self-righteousness and putting others down in order to disguise one's own flaws -- is quite literally making you insane. sign off and work on yourself. the average human life span is around 80 years. don't live in misery because some people online think the first 25 of those years define you.

[authortobenamedlater]

Predictions, questions, good/bad/neutral about E3.

Why does this show make me so long-winded.

Predictions:

As I already mentioned, Jacob Keyes is not going to survive Reach. I don’t want this to happen, because death seems like too easy an out for him and the Spartans need their Dadmiral, but it’s close enough to canon. He can live on in my AUs.

Kai leads the Spartan-IIIs on Reach. In a couple of trailers we see her in a drop ship with what I’m now certain are SPI helmets behind her. Then she goes to Onyx and steps into the Kurt role. Or maybe she takes over for him. It’s probably too much to hope that we might see them working together. I’ll save that for headcanons and fanfic.

…Does this mean Kai will go out like Kurt at some point? Getting ahead of things.

Miranda is on Onyx doing artifact research and/or working on the science side of the S-IIIs. She did finally show up for two seconds in the “this season on” trailer.

The Covenant forces Cortana to reveal the location of Earth, which is why John is standing on a drop ship with Jupiter in the foreground in one of the trailers.

We will meet Noble Team in some form, especially if Kai is leading the S-IIIs into battle.

Reach is going down. There. At least one of these predictions is guaranteed.

Questions:

WHO is that S-III who looks an awful lot like Corporal Perez? Just a coincidental lookalike? If not Talia, maybe Kat or Lucy? I would love to see Tom and Lucy on screen.

Silver Team is, officially or otherwise, getting separated. Kai and Riz are both justifiably POed at John and Vannak isn’t too happy either, I imagine. Kai got pulled to the S-IIIs and Riz is wondering about “life without all this Spartan $#*!.” Are we going to see John as the one-man army we get in every Halo game except 5, and Silver will become recurring characters? Or, are we making room for John to get a new team? Maybe a team we know already? Like…Blue Team?

I am very curious what the Spartan-IIIs look like in this world. I get the impression they haven’t been around that long, but most of this is fan brain conjecture from trailers. Exhibit A: In one trailer Kai steps out in front of a formation of IIIs and we hear Ackerson saying “make them Spartans.” The IIIs already ARE Spartans. They’ve been around for 20 years by this point.

UNLESS. They’ve basically made the IIIs into the IVs. That could explain a Talia sighting and why Kai is getting tapped to train them. Maybe Reach is their first deployment.

If these are the IIIs who are more like IVs, maybe the Talia Perez lookalike is Sarah Palmer? I hope not, because Frankie Adams of The Expanse fame is live action Palmer in my mind’s eye and I want to keep that illusion as long as possible.

The suits look pretty similar.

Once again getting WAY ahead of myself.

How are they going to resolve the Cortana situation? In one trailer it looks like a Sangheili is putting her on a chip or disk of some kind. Is she going back in John’s head at some point? Who’s going to do this? If she stays on a chip do they have to retrofit his helmet and every other piece of UNSC tech?

Who’s this Var ‘Gatanai Talia names in the last scene? Did the show make an entirely new Arbiter? Is Var going to die and make room for Thel? Is Thel still leading the fleet and Var is on the ground? Does Thel not exist here? Last time we saw Makee she was about to touch the larger artifact. Did she ever touch it?What happened? Are we going to see her during the battle? Will she die again? Will she stay dead?

Good, bad, general commentary:

You all know what I want. I’m here for The Chief and Cortana Show. I want my Chief and Cortana Show. This is not the Chief and Cortana show. I want them back together.

I like how the show is giving us a peek into how the UNSC / ONI bureaucracy and agenda is as big an adversary as the Covenant. A good example of the show telling stories the games can’t. Not that shooting your way through ONI red tape wouldn’t be kind of a hilarious video game.

I currently don’t like how they just wiped Madrigal out of the picture, but I am reserving judgment for now to see how this plays out.

I love Ackerson. I hate Ackerson.

Kind of mad Cobalt Team turned up dead. They deserved better.

I still live in hope of one day meeting Avery Johnson.

Ackerson talks about John “interact[ing] with the Covenant agent” and says he read the report. So all that is common knowledge? And John is just walking around like nothing happened? Weird.

Laera being a boss lady and mama bear is awesome. She is truly the only woman for Soren.

I am SCREAMING and FLAILING and GEEKING OUT over the overt Christian references this season. Making me want to write my “what if a Spartan got religion” story. Gahhhhhh

[riko0youth]

plz no hate also,don't justify,you could hardly change my opinion even if its wrong

Since i started shipping Kaishin i always restored to translated DJs and Fanart to feed it, whenever i thought of reading fanfic i simply felt repulsive, that it won't taste good, and boy was i right, i understood the reasons very clearly, but yesterday, due to accumulation of a few reasons , i caved and tried it , and now i need heaps of DJs and Fanart mouthwash to forget this taste.

no offense intended, the writing style of authors is actually super good, the plot is very entertaining, overall a good well written fic, but it just not my thing, simply because the western eyes(and i don't mean ppl living in the west, im talking abt the ideology itself, wherever they're from) and mine don't match, they don't see or understand the characters as i do, and same for me, i fail to see and understand most stuff they way they do, so simply, me and the anime fics, we can't mix, i can have some tolerance for stuff like bkdk , but a classic literally older than me DCMK is out of question, how they portray the characters and take them out of context, while its good and fun...its just not them so its pointless for me to read fics abt absolute strangers, i would rather go through my kaishin pins twice than read smth while i enjoy it, gives me a foul taste (i guess that's what alcohol drinking is like for people, yeah, its good that i don't and won't drink ever in my life)

also, if you don't know, i merely write for the sake of journaling, this post is not meant to criticize anyone, especially not the hard working authors, simply my pov that most won't agree on.

I am not trying to defend myself saying this, but i am merely stating how my mindset came to be, first, my childhood, pre-teen years, and the first quarter of my teens were spent watching Anime, and the rest of my teens was spent reading manga/hua/hwa and Danmeis , that's it, no friends, no social media, no way to understand how my peers from any part of the world thing, only how the Japanese, Chinese and sometimes Korean ''Characters" live, like and think, so ya, very very low tolerance, when i unfortunately started opening up to the "world" it was merely to look for more resources for a good read, my mindset was already set by then and i felt like an alien (still do, but meh that's me) among everyone else, and more often than not i feel super uncomfortable from a comment with a mindset that's just so foreign to me it feels sickening (im not exaggerating)

so ya, lgptq+ , most of the relationship 'cues', ideas of (in my weak pov seems extreme) individuality in romance ,etc etc, they are all things i am not very fond of, cuz my mind is attached to a more simple process, watching ppl be in love ,period.

oh ya and the concept of incent, which i find hilarious but that's just horrible of me, incent is wrong for two reasons, ethically, you can't marry your sibling because they're your sibling sharing the same blood of at least one of your parents and that is sooo wrong (im not too far gone to think on even such a thing) but speaking ethically , for me a sibling is diffrent from a COUSIN they don't share your blood, their blood is just closer to yours from a stranger, they are not the children of your own parents, so, i just find it pointless to be so hung up on it, i could marry a cousin and only discover they're my cousin after we've had kids and lives happy stable lives, should i just destroy all that and make my children live in agony cuz someone somewhere sometime decided that marrying the cousin is same as marrying an SIBLING and even giving it the same label? of course , another point ,which is actually, speaking abt cousins, more serious , is Genetically speaking you can't mix DNAs too similar because it increase the risk of genetic mutations and disabilities in offspring, but the risk is always there, so its *unadvised* at most to marry a cousin if you are planning to have kids, but that's it, and everyone is free to choose between marrying the one they want and increasing their chance of healthy children, so its absolutely *hilarious* for me to be so hung up on "incent" between 2 MALE COUSINS , like really, *where are you even coming from?* (and yes im talking abt what you have in mind , as i said, i started kaishin fanfics just yesterday which is apparently the worst possible timing since the whole M24 trailer fiasco or whatever it is that's bothering them and got swarmed with confusing tags that just made me lose my appetite and feel vaguely uncomfortable, and "what's the big deal?" confused)

ofc as a person opening up to the world the first thing i did was to try to fit in, it wasn't wholly unpleasant ofc, i got some of the dearest ships to my heart that sometimes support me post-breakdown, but i tried to think like others, only to discover its futile, i can guess how others would think , but im mostly unconvinced by it or don't feel like agreeing to it, and that just works to make it easy for me to gain enemies and unpleasant impressions, so i mostly lay off commenting my opinions since its as foreign to them as theirs are to me , and im not so free or sinister to make others feel unpleasant on purpose, ofc no one is perfect so i slip from time to time when my battery (i call it LXC battery of patience cuz that's what i think of portraying when im controlling myself from commenting and arguing, using LXC as a role model to extend the Battery's life) and as expected those slips catch fire , i also mostly use the method of burning letters, except i don't burn them , i have a very short memory span on most thing, so i write it, say i will post it later, and the when i see the draft i don't remember if i did post it or not , and it would be very stupid to post the same thing twice, also im not so attentive to open a site or an app specifically to check, i would rather spend that time reading

Most of the time i didn't understand why the "western" ppl make a big deal out of everything and are so hung up on realism , i still don't but i could get one thing, and ironically im the living proof of that one thing, that is, most people's mindset is affected by what they are exposed to, aka, what they read, see, or hear, so if something say like intentional harm like pushing people off the stairs and people always survive, if crazy troupe like that spiral into normality smh, and someone ALWAYS read it and always seeing it, them it won't be that hard to apply in real life, so the westerns are just looking out for others, or less selflessly, like every human, are trying to convince others of their opinion.

ofc in my case, which i don't know if its an exception or there are many others like me (again, i don't socialize) that help is absolutely unnecessary, since everything i read see or hear are for me strictly fictional, I won't fall in love with a minor as much as i won't fly off on a dragon, for me they're all fiction, love, itself , is something fictional i don't expect to see in the real world, that's why i love reading it the most, for me what i read is what can't be found in my reality like dragons, travelling to other worlds, falling in love at first sight, forbidden love etc, so its no surprise i feel unpleasant when some person out there try to stain my "world" with realism after i always painstakingly separated them anyways bye.

[bisluthq]

Something you have said many times is that Joe and Taylor’s relationship was good for 6 years. But was it? Sometimes things get in the way of a relationship and you look back at it and think that if x thing hadn’t happened, you might still be together and happy today. But Joe and Taylor seem destined to break up.

Looking back at the relationship she sees red flags that she shouldn’t have ignored. Which is not to say that Joe was always a bad boyfriend, but I think the relationship was more trouble than it was worth. I saw someone the other day say that while relationships are hard work, being married to her husband was very easy. I liked the way that was worded because people always talk about relationships being hard and I don’t think hard work = hard. I’m not saying they can never be hard. But what makes the relationship hard should be temporary, in my opinion. Like say, spending a long time away from each other for work or maybe one of you is going through a hard time when it comes to mental health, etc. Those are things that you work through.

Joe and Taylor seemed to be working through things constantly. Way too often. I think they loved each other but they were very incompatible so they were constantly trying to fix things that weren’t fixable. At least that’s my interpretation of it looking back. It doesn’t mean that there wasn’t any good, and maybe the good did outweigh the bad for most of it. But it sounds like a 60/40 or 70/30 situation which is still a lot of bad. The good shouldn’t just slightly outweigh the bad and loving someone isn’t enough to make something work

I agree with you but I will also throw a curveball here - my ex and I were easy. Her issues with me were my partying, flirting with boys (innocently but she didn’t like that - she was ok with me getting flirty with girls but if a boy came onto me in a bar and I didn’t shut it down immediately she’d freak), and me always doing things my way (she’s justified for that because I do and all my close friends and my current partner feel I do that too). My issues with her were far deeper and included her being controlling (as I saw it - but again, I’m self-aware and see how some of that was on me), expecting me to pay for the bulk of stuff (which I did and why I am so considerate of my current situation where I pay less but I make FUCK sure it’s proportional), and her not wanting to have sex for like the last two years except on very special occasions. It was still 60/40 good I think but we both have problems with one another. Idk dude relationships that long are complicated. But her and I could’ve objectively stayed together forever if I’d proposed lol like the problem was I knew it wasn’t quite right.

my current partner and I aren’t easy lol like we fight a lot but I also mostly find it’s worth it. And ngl some of the problems he has with me are the same my ex had with me like last night we went out partying and he wanted to go home and I didn’t wanna - I wanted to keep partying and felt very Bejeweled yk? - so he left and I said fine lol like fuck u I will call myself an Uber when I’m ready and that’s what I did lol not before making out with a girl obviously and again I see why being with me is hard but it is what it is lol and with him specifically I never promised to change. I said like “I’m gonna do crazy shit” and he was super into it when we were friends/hooking up and NOW he’s like “well why aren’t you like a perfect wifey and only this much fun when I want you to be” and I’m like “my guy we knew this. The recurrent complaint I have gotten for the last 15 years is that I’m too slutty and like partying too much” 🤷🏻‍♀️ Which I do lol. I fucking love partying and I’m a great deal of fun at those. I’m not super cut out for not yk doing that. And bf/gfs have historically tried to cramp my style but like 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

[naruthandir]

I think the reason I like Melkor so much is because out of all the characters in Tolkien's world it's of the ones I connect to the most, that I have the most sympathy for.

(long post under the cut. nothing triggering I don't think, just a lot of words and pseudo-phylosophic rambling about order and chaos and nature and such)

From the beginning, I saw something of myself on the way he rebelled against Eru, who is pretty much a parental to him. He was not malicious in his attempts to create a melody of his own, and yet Ilúvatar ruthlessly shut him down, which in turn made Melkor bitter and contrarian. This was something I struggled with a lot growing up as an autistic child with ADHD: impulsiveness, clumsyness and lack of social awareness were severely punished, for reasons that were never explained to me. There was much talk about the importance of "respect", but I when I asked for a definition of that word no one was able to give it to me. I ended up believing that "respect" was synonymous with "compliance", and I grew to resent pretty much all authority figures around me as a result.

To me, Melkor represents the resentment one develops after trying the very best to be good and yet failing, time and time again, until you just lean into your role as a villain. "If evil the only thing I'm good at then why even try to be good? If everything I do is wrong why try to make things right?" And then you become a ball of pure hatred, towards the world and towards yourself, towards those who hurt you and those who love you.

Like. I just feel like Melkor is terribly unhappy. There is not one bit on joy in his life, the closest he gets is that rush of superiority you get from winning a fight, from bullying and tearing things apart and just the general gratification of being an asshole. But that isn't happiness. That's an unhealthy coping mechanism that leaves you feeling miserable every time.

Melkor is evil. I am not implying that he is not. But he is evil in that way Tolkien villains are so often evil: in a pathetic, genuinely pitiful way. And for me, also in an oddly relatable way. The actions of Melkor are by no way justified, they wouldn't be justified if he had the saddest backstory ever. That's not how it works. But I do think they were necessary, in a very strange way. Allow me to explain myself:

Nothing is perfect. We know this, that is just the way of things. Trying to change that, while understandable and oftentimes done with noble intent, is another sort of evil entirely (see: Mairon). And I think Melkor is just as much a part of the natural world as the rest of the Valar are. Eru created Melkor, after all, out of his own though, and it is said none of the Ainur can truly escape or contradict his will. That's entropy, baby: the universal constant that will kill the stars and that allows life all at the same time.

(note: entropy is often defined as a "tendency towards chaos", however this is a gross simplification of what it actually is. You could just as easily call it a "tendency towards equilibrium" and it'd be just as accurate, if not more. Truth is, this is a very complex concept physicist are still working to understand. And I am not a physicist. So don't ask any more questions.)

What I mean to say is that decay is a part of nature, and that seems to be a very relevant theme in Tolkien. And if a perfect God contains all possible attributes (we talked about this in phylosophy class) they must contain in their perfection evil and well. Flaws. And if the Ainur are just manifestations of different, often contradicting attributes of Eru, that means Melkor must be too.

I don't know exactly where I am going with this. Perhaps is just that I am a little annoyed, that people would call Morgoth (Or Sauron, for that matter) "plain villains", because thematically speaking they are very interesting, at least to me. I acknowledge there's a good bit of projection going on here, but really that's the only way I know of engaging with fiction and if Tolkien's words are worth anything, I do find this interpretation "applicable".

[letmeoutofthebasementt]

Feedback: Please feel free to publish this publically if you want.

Thank you so so much for my reading 🙏. It was beautiful 💙. I was so touched by the msg. I've actually been asking the same question from a lot of readers but I've never received any msg from my FS as my reply, I always get something else delivered, usually what I should be doing to improve my chances of meeting my FS :) I do understand that's because that's what the cards show them. That's why I was really losing hope and had been wondering to myself that my person has no msg for me? Really? Nothing at all? Thing is I suffer from severe social anxiety due to which I rarely go out and my house has sort of become my prison.

Anyways, moving on. The very first paragraph that you gave me hit a cord with me - "I know you're going through a lot right now, and you feel like maybe you're meant to be alone. But just know that rather than being meant to be alone, you're meant to be with me. It's selfish of me, I suppose, but there's a part of me that's slightly happy that if I ever meet you, I know that i'll be able to have you instead of us being kept apart." This is literally, literally what I think to myself as well. I mean it - literally, I think the exact same thing to myself to justify my eternal singlehood. Right at this first paragraph I was like whoa!

I also liked the part where you mentioned that he said our relationship will be build up with caution and that's what will provide us stability. Coz this is very, very apt for my age.

This line really made me very emotional, it's all I ever wanted to hear 😢 "I'm coming into your life as quickly as I can, though once i'm there, just know that I don't plan on letting you go." And then came this part and I was balling my eyes out 😭 "We'll find one another in the place where we feel most comfortable and when we do...Well, we will become the place where the other feels most comfortable."

I was awed when you mentioned that he said that he'll give me a stable home even though I might feel selfish asking for it. I've never ever gotten this from any reader, and it's so SO true! I come from a very chaotic family, unfortunately I still am in it. It's again one of the reasons I'm not able to find anyone coz I don't want to date locally, I want to go far away from here. And I want nothing else except for a small home cozy home with my husband, just the two of us, and spending the rest of our days in love, peace and happiness. But I do feel selfish expecting this from him. Coz in my mind I go like that's putting too much expectations on him and maybe i shouldn't be doing that. But then again, it's all I want, nothing more, nothing less. So my brain and my heart are in constant state of tussle over this. I was also shocked when you said that it doesn't matter that I don't have much experience, he'll always be by my side. Coz i actually don't have much experience in such matters coz of my severe anxiety, that is one of the reasons I have been wondering if maybe I'm not meant to experience that part of life, like at all. It was amazing that you said this 💙.

Just like your first paragraph, your last lines sealed the msg for me - "Sorry to keep you waiting, but just hold on a little bit longer. I'll make sure it's worth it." 💞 So so beautiful 💞. You have no idea just how much I wanted to hear these words from him 🥹.

Thank you so, so much for making my day 🙏. I'm so immensely grateful to you from the bottom of my heart 🙏. Wishing you the best in your tarot journey 🕊️

I’m glad you liked it! I’m also really glad it struck home and resonated with you. And just from the reading I can tell you and your FS are both amazing people who’ll be perfect together. I’m wishing you the best as well! 🫶🏽

[sarcastic-salem]

So before I say anything else I want to specify that

I am transgender but I have decided to stop taking hormones.

I don’t know right now if this decision is permanent or not. What I do know is that I thought I would be happier being on HRT. And I’m not. I’m not happier and I’m disappointed with the results, which for me have been minuscule.

I feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells in the transmasculine community. At least with the people I’ve encountered. Because my definition of masculinity has evolved a lot, but it seems like a lot of trans men are very eager to conform to the heteronormative societal norms that define “traditional” masculinity. Whether its toxic or not, and just never speak of it again.

I can’t do that — I can’t make myself be someone I’m not. And, for me, its resulted in a lot of bullying and misogyny. I mean, I know there are other reasons but I feel like me being more feminine than other guys constitutes a lot of it.

Feminine men are treated like scapegoats in the transgender and queer community. “Masculine” men see us as the root of all evil — we’re the cause of all the homophobia and infantilizing. And TERFs see us as easy targets either for bullying or to be converted into their cults.

On top of that, I no longer believe in gender roles and I just can’t do it anymore. It feels like even mens’ clothing is designed to make a statement and to portray machismo.

I do not want to make a statement. I don’t want to be told that I’m brave for wearing floral prints or the color pink. I don’t want to have to justify my every move down to the clothes in my closet.

I am always going to spread awareness about Civil Rights, and I am always going to remind people that Loki is a queer, transgender God.

But I’m tired, I’m stressed out — I’m losing my fucking hair.

I just want to exist.

Right now, I identify as nonbinary specifically agender or pangender. I don’t think I am particularly masculine or feminine. I’m just me.

I am still transgender, but being a transgender bisexual Heathen does not mean that I have answers to every queer Heathens’ problems or that I know the solution to every Civil Rights issue or whatever.

One of the reasons the @lokisbookworm account got shut down is because, aside from getting hate mail and death threats for nearly 4 years, I was starting to feel like an unpaid therapist. I want you guys, my followers, to feel like you can come to me for anything because I love helping people and making people happy. I really do.

But I cannot tell you if you are transgender or not. That is not up to me to decide — that is for you to decide.

And I cannot tell you if the crow in your front yard or the joker card you found in a library book is a sign from Loki or Odin or whoever. I don’t speak for them, okay, and whether or not I think something is a sign is not a valid reason to just skip discernment. And assume the best or the worst.

Never skip discernment.

This account was created by accident. Technically. I had another one and because I have no idea how to navigate this app aside from the simplest shit like reblogging and making a post, that other account got shut down when I was trying to delete a side blog. But the reason this blog exists is because I am trying to be a genuinely better person and I want to try to have a positive impact.

I’m not perfect and I have fucked up a lot. You guys have no idea how much of a piece of shit I feel like every day. For being narrow minded and argumentative and accusatory. Its embarrassing but its also disappointing because like…….I try to explain and people don’t want to hear it. To an extent, I don’t blame them — actions speak louder than words, right?

But this is the fucking internet and I’m not the kind of person who documents every single second of my life with a live post or a selfie. So what do I do? I try not to argue with people. If there’s a post I disagree with, I usually back the fuck off. Unless I’m triggered and being stupid because I don’t think rationally when I’m triggered. And if someone posts things regularly that I disagree with or that upset me, I unfollow them to avoid getting into arguments.

I do fuck up, I know. Part of the reason why that is because I cannot comprehend why people are acting like Tumblr is not a social media platform. When that’s exactly what it is. I cannot understand why people are so offended when you comment or reply to their posts. Especially when they’re able to turn off the replies and the reblogs.

Like the entire concept of Tumblr etiquette is expecting people to censor themselves in a public forum.

Jfc, this post has gone off-topic but um……Yeah, I’m nonbinary and transgender. Still queer. But right now, I am going off of my hormones and I don’t know what comes next.

I am still Milo.

I don’t give a shit about pronouns. People have misgendered me so much irl, I don’t even care anymore.

Happy Yule

&

Blessed Holidays

[danggirlronpa]

Merch Monday comes 'round once again!

[Obligatory Ko-fi Link Because This Is A Post Where I Spent Real Person Money]

As always I forgot to do this several times, so there's plenty of backlog from this last month to get through. The Seasons of Despair zine came in today, and I've only got enough time to do one of these. So we'll hit the zine today, and everything else tomorrow!

So: Seasons of Despair!

TLDR; Aesthetically excellent! No major issues except the exclusion of some characters in the art, some more notable than others.

This is a "zine" only insomuch as it's creation project - actually, it's a calendar for 2024! It's more general than ship, so normally I wouldn't really cover it on this blog. But some of the merch is really cute, and I just think the whole project is a really cool idea!

I got the paper bundle, because I simply cannot justify to myself spending more than $50 on a zine except for, like, the DR WLW Zine, which I am legally and morally obligated to gather all of like a dragon with its hoard. That means none of the pins or charms.

EDIT: They've asked people not post the inside of the calendar, so the image that was here has been removed! If the stance changes it will be reinserted.

The actual calendar itself is just fine! Nothing special about the make. The art is all gorgeous. The birthday listings and the art around the bottom half are really nice touches - I lost most of those polls on Twitter, but I'm glad my girl Komaru made it. They managed to get almost every character with a canon birthday on the monthly art too (sorry Miaya)!

I have a total of two (2) issues with the calendar.

1. Jack isn't anywhere in this, even though Toko shows up multiple times, and their birthday is only listed under Toko. Which. Bummer. (Izuru is also just listed under Hajime, but he shows up in other art throughout the zine.)

2. There's a full THH spread, a major char UDG spread, and two full SDR2 spreads, but no V3 spread. The closest is ten characters, which isn't 16, and which has several characters mostly blocked behind others or barely visible. They all still get their faces on their birthday in the calendar itself, of course! But it's a bummer that the only sight of Angie, Ryoma, and Korekiyo is the back of their heads.

Other than that, I'm very happy with this! I'll be using it throughout the year, so we'll see very quickly if it holds up.

The little cherry stickers and this stretch goal print are the main reason I bought the paper merch instead of just the calendar! These both feature art by @axolotllotl, who is a blog favorite. The stickers are actually the shinier of the two, and are notably higher quality than the other sticker pages that came with the zine. We won't be going over the other stickers, but they're just more paper-y - you can tell a lot of care was put into these! (Not that I won't be using the other stickers. You KNOW I'm putting that heart eyes Monokuma in a strategic location.)

& I LOOOVE the print. It's actually on lower quality material than the stickers and the calendar, but that's not a bad thing! Every piece of this zine has slightly different quality, I assume for manufacturing reasons. There are no defects and the art is gorgeous - I love the way she draws Kyoko, it's so cute.

Generally, I'm pretty happy with this! It'll definitely see the most active use of any zines I own, especially since this blog celebrates the girls' birthdays. We'll see how it holds up long term!