#i didnt hate school. never did.
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[<==PREV PAGES] [NEXT PAGE==>(not out yet.wait a year.or maybe more.imagine.]
saw alot of comments on prev pages; saying 'i HATE that mean teacher! im gonna FIGHT HIM!!' & i LOVE the energy!! it WOULD be nice. to have that catharsis. but the story of young tidestrider is Not one of catharsis. it is a story of being so small and so special and sucking so bad.
#jrwi fanart#jrwi show#jrwi riptide#gillion tidestrider#GONNA START FORMATTING MY COMICS BETTER. W THE PROPER 'PREV' 'NEXT' LINKS#REALLY DIDNT EXPECT TO CONTINUE THIS SERIES BUT AAAUUUHH MY BRRAAAIN MY BRAIN IS SO IDEASSS. I HAVE 3 OTHER PAGES SKETCHED OUT#NO PROMISES ILL FINISH EM ANY TIME SOON OR EVER. MY WHIMS ARE THEIR OWN BEAST AND I ONLY DRAW ON MY WHIMS#THAT BEING SAID IF U COMMISSIONED ME ILL GEEETT TO YOUUU IM SORRYYYY. ART IS AN EMOTIONAL RELEASE FOR ME N BABY I HAVE EMOTIONS.#ESPECIALLY ABOUT GILLION TIDESTRIDER CHAMPION OF THE UNDERSEA HERO OF THE DEEP.for the desc here i put smth that i typed up in the tags of#another thing i made. i gotta make a proper Baby Gillion tag or smth. eventually.. eventually...I LOVE DRAWIN THIS LIL BABY GUY..#i also LOVE depicting the teachers as just being so fuckin mean. ofc theres variation in that. just like in all things.like the teacher her#idk if itll be mentioned but the octo lady is named Ms Octburn.an octopus pun based off the name of an actual councilor i had#when i was in elementary school i got bullied alot but teachers never did anything. i hated adults and didnt trust them.#but this councilor o mine was so genuinely sweet. i remember spending alot of time w her. she doesnt work there anymore.#but that one school adult that actually earns ur trust and is there for you when they can be.its SO important for a child i think#i hope she knows how much she helped me.youll see in the next page that ms octburn isnt perfect either.but she tries. they all try.somehow.#ALL these comics are gonna be inspired by somesorta experience o mine in the school system. school is so fucked up u ever thing abt that#AND GILLIOOOOONNN IN THE MOST FUCKED UP LITTLE SCHOOL OF ALL. MAINTAINED BY A CULT. CENTERED AROUND HIM. OUR CHOSEN ONE#I IMAGINE ALOT BANKS ON HIS SUCCESS. THIS IS THE WORLD. THE WHOLE WORLD. THE PROPHECY IS GOING TO COME TRUE N UR TELLIN ME#THAT ITS THIS LITTLE IDIOT THATS GONNA BE SAVING US? WHAT IF HE FAILS. IF HE CANT GET THIS RIGHT THEN HE WILL FAIL AND WE WILL DIE#WE NEED TO TRAIN HIM. WE NEED HIM TO LEARN. AND TO SUCCEED. OR ELSE WE'RE DEAD. WE'RE ALL FUCKING DEAD. I IMAGINE THAT MUST BE STRESSFUL#in other news i hope ppl actually giggle when they read these. they ARE intended to be comical. dark humor or whatever. like its also sad#this is intended to be a sad comic series. but a funny one too. does that make sense? god i hope so.saw some1 say they had flashbacks-#-reading this. like YES!! THE INTENDED EFFECT!! YOU GET ME!! i love seeing ppl get upset on this lil baby boys behalf. i LOVE seeing ppl-#-wail n weep n cry in the comments. i LOOOVE seeing ppl RELATE to baby gillion. and i love letting u all know that this wont be a happycomi#gillion gets his happiness arc in the actual show. this series is one of unfortunate events. teehehehe. do u guys remember that show#i keep listening to the lil songs from A Series of Unfortunate Events for inspiration. GOOD STUFF!!#anyway uuhh uhh thats all i got in my brain. for now. feed me ur comments give me ur input i NNEEEEEDD THHEEEMMMM
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#prefacing this with I Know Spanish. i cant not know spanish‚ my parents don't speak english#but im the only one of my siblings that didnt get to go to school over there 🇲🇽 (just pre school)#adn the thing is like. my siblings wld talk to me in eng of course#(if they talked to me at all! what do u say to a baby when you're 9 12 and 15 yrs older.)#and my parents wld similarly jst not talk to me? i did not have conversations with them from birth to now lol.#thjere is something about how like. my sisters kids are also learning the languages at the same time#but when they mess up in spanish theyre corrected‚ by my sister (their mom)‚ my other sister‚ my parents#why not Me. why wasnt that extended to Me as a child...#the same reason I have the least amount of baby pictures while my siblings all have one full book each i bet#the same reason why my and my eldest sister are 15 yrs apart LOL#igts so crazy to me. i hate mentioning this bc people assume#im one of those ppl who isnt fluent bc their parents speak english and spanish and never taught them#my parents dont speak english❗❗❗❗#my nephew thats older than me who is my fave family member and also only speaks spanish#is coming up on sunday idk that i can fully carry convo with him!#pure spanglish bc i didnt grow up having convos in it writing it reading it#thats why im so desperate to read books in spanish now. im so deeply ashamed#igts so crazy. i hate it.#saw a comment on smthng the other day thats like ''idk how u can have parents that only speak spanish and not know it lol''#well can you take a guess. can u take a guess as to how that would happen via interactions. lack thereof.#idk why but its even more embarrassing this way. genuinely how cld u not know...?#its like i was born to feel isolated from my family in every single way...youngest by so many years#the language thing. the Hates Eating thing. the trans thing. most severe failure to launch#im so embarrassed to be alive....!#and i dont belong anywhere. and i am Alone wherever I am.#abandoned by direct and distant relatives. ancestors.
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I think bpd is a bullshit stigmatizing label thrown at women to pathologize what is very obviously a response to prolonged childhood trauma and would be better labeled as C-PTSD. that being said my god I am bpd as fuck
#my sister just snapped at me bc i said i dont want to do a ton of physical labor for the job she signed me up for which apparently does i#in fact involve a lot of it. and her being mad for even that moment sent me spiraling so badly & i had the reaction i often do where#i start hating both her & myself terribly & want to isolate forever#i think she hates her new job & is taking it out on me but it doesnt matter bc i cant handle being yelled at#and the fact thst it took me till adulthood to realize thats bc i associate it with my father is crazy. yeah its just the cptsd like#everything else. and whats nutso is how i continue to think my trauma Wasnt Bad Enough for ptsd .#just bc he didnt beat the shit out of or molest me i feel like i dont even have a right to be this fucked up#not that it was only him. being bullied at school really did not help. i guess now that i think about it the problem is that until#i was a teenager i literally did not feel emotionally secure anywhere. home or school. always the ticking of a bomb in the bg#the inevitable moment my dad blew up over nothing or i overheard my peers talking about what a freak i was#i dont know why it still hurts to think about. im so far removed from it my life now couldnt be more different#well thats the stupid fucking thing about childhood isnt it. those are your very first experiences with the world & other ppl#i do know my view of romantic relationships was irrevocably poisoned by my parents & that is never going to be undone. so cool
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can't believe fuckign gamers in early day scp: secret laboratory made me question my own identity. thanks fellas 👍
anyways when i was obsessively playing scp (u need a mic to play), i can't even COUNT how many people came up to me and were like i can't tell if ur a girl or boy ?? SO MANY PEOPLE. AT LEAST ONE EVERY MATCH EVEN. and i was like .. uh, yes? sure. i am a boy today. always have been. what's a woman. never heard of her.
. fellas i don't think i'm normal. no norm. no conform. just me being confused as FUCK !!!!
#this was 5 years ago.#i brushed it off cus i was like im content with being known as a girl#but then i thought back to my childhood and was like ..#wait i didnt like girly stuff. i never did. i thought i was a boy for a while#i even labelled myself as a tomboy for a while.#then suddenly had a revelation (midnight. as you do)#wait. i like being a guy. sometimes.#sometimes i like my voice being deep. or androgynous.#i hated wearing skirts and dresses and all that. absolute disgusting feeling in my stomach anytime i see myself in one of those.#how did i survive secondary school- wearing a skirt everyday. uggrhghh#i never conformed to the girly stuff. bro i liked ben 10 and jurassic park and other stuff that girls my age did Not like.#(assumed from ones from primary school. no one was like me there.)#but sometimes i just like being seen as a girl. or both. or neither. idk#anyways i'm still questioning who i am. idk if it's a phase. but its something i've felt for a veryveRYVERY long time .#anyways that's enough hydra lore. i dumped far too much whoooops . time for me to go to bed#art#digital art#comic#sketch#oc artwork#my sona#genderfluid#queer#lgbt#sentient sen#hydrx art
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Worst thing about learning a new language of my own violation though is that its made me a fucking nerd. I just found my friend's flashcards on quizlet and got excited. I get excited to hear some french words in everyday conversation. When my friends are reading a book i have to resist the urge to go WHAT LANGUAGE IS THAT. Im just super excited to consume french and spanish language and phrases and im a fucking nerd about it now
#like im not as into spanish as i am french#i like the sounds better but i set out here to learn french goddamit!!!!#but it would be SUPER awesome to speak both fr fe#fr#hell even just 1#like in 4 years. again. km not going to be worse#im listening and learing french constantly atm#spanish its only been a few days but im getting on a lot better than i thought#i keep getting frustrated bevause i dont always understand it and its digficult to manage my time#plus ive heard that learning two langauages can confuse u#but ive not had too much issue atm and it can actually be benifitial to learn both#hell i dont think om even doing this for qsmp anymore i dont even watch qsmp!!!!!#but also if i do need to dropone language or maybe even both if rhings get really crazy#it wont be the end of the world because i can always pick it back up and it wi never be a waste u know#luke i havent learnt spanish for 4 or 5 years!!! and i STILL can read a bit and i got put forwards on duolingo even FURTHER than i currently#am in french!!!!!!#and ive been learning french for 4 months! (although i learnt spanish at school since like. year 4 and i didnt take it in later years and my#spanish teacher hated me bc i was always drawing and she was mean#ik spanishis easier to learn than french#did u k ow that if u practice for 3 hours a day u can learn spanish in 6 months!?#i dont have 3 hours a day#i think today ive spent about 1#1.5 hours practicing and 1.5 hours engaging with french and spanish media combined#but thats only half of that each idk#i just dont think im going to be fluent for aggggeeeesssssss like YEARS. maybe in like. 4 or 5 years would be cool#but also its just fun? and im having fun and oh my god this makes me a nerd doesnt it#okay okay ramble over im just proud of myself :]
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almost 2 hours into new hbomberguy video and ive started to get distracted by his chest hair
#2 hours into plagiarism and chill#do people still say x and chill#they cant be saying netflix still...#anyway. would i fuck hbomberguy. well-#i dont know cause i didnt cite my sources in school all that well.#i feel like even tho they say they discourage plagiarism in school they kind of dont#cause how many essays did you turn in where you just moved some words around and said essentially the same shit you researched#and theyd be like yep ok. as long as you had your bibli freakin ography#i kind of fucking hated doing research for school but i feel like its because of my procrastinature#(procrastinators nature)#and never getting many topics i gave a fuck about and then even when i got to pick i kind of phoned it in#its funny how many youtubers are essentially just bullshitting their history essays and getting paid big bucks to do it
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I hate how every job says they're looking for a person like this because I am none of those things? Where are the jobs willing to pay top dollar for an unmotivated unprofessional cold unpersonable non starter who is disorganized and pays very little attention to detail?
#also i wish my guidance counselor in high school had sat me down and said dont go to college without a career plan#instead of what he did do which was tell me my grades are so good i absolutely should go to college#wish he had said at least make sure you get an aa in like accounting or something to fall back on#am i bitter about never finding a job that uses my degree that wouldnt also include needing grad school?#kinda#capitalism makes fools of us all#crap#its shut down week at the ethanol plant that does nothing with my english or fine art degrees#and also nothing with my 15 years of retail and customer service experience either lmao#i fucking hate shut down so much it is inevitable i start thinking of quitting even tho i am making more money than i have in my life#how fucking insane is it that jobs that require a masters degree will pay 15 an hour and yet this job that requires a ged at most starts at#like 25 and this plant actually starts low judging by what other plants are offering like damn#every job ive ever had needed no degree at all how much farther ahead would i be if id just gone straight to work?#like i fucking loved the college experience but it didnt do a fucking thing for me other than saddle me with life crushing debt
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the idea that teachers would make new transfer students stand up and like introduce themselves or whatever is soo fake bc i had a friend who transfered mid semester into my school and specifically one of my classes and not only did the teacher not force her to introduce herself but i didnt even know she transferred at all for like a good couple months of our friendship
#i also didnt know her name bc she kind of just appeared#but i wasnt the most observant in high school mostly bc i didnt care#and i was kind of dragged into a well established friend group so i was just like yeah ok i guess we're friends#i was too embarrassed to ask what her name was#tbh at this point i couldnt tell you if anyone actually told me her name like explicitly#her name was mentioned many times in front of me of course but like. i need to consciously be aware to remember something#and a name drop in the middle of a group convo is not a time my for my brain to get out of autopilot mode#i mean i also dont remmebe much of high school either#hilariously enough the most i remember abt highschool is incidents ive had with teachers#shout out to my one teacher that gave me a zero in a lab report bc i 'plagiarized' it#cuz no eleventh grader can write that advanced#and i was like ive literally written like that all my life you can literally check my essays for english class#why would i plagiarize this#and then when she was like fine ill believe you for now (bitch??) and gave me a B on it anyways#i hated her#ohhh and my chem teacher#she was so rancid i hated her so much#ooh who else did i hate......MY SPANISH TEACHER#i will never forgive her for giving me a D in spanish. bitch im a native speaker#and then had the audacity to ask me why i wasnt aware of homework and i was like cuz you never post it online AND im not the only one who fo#forgets why arent you bitching at everyone else#i swear i hated someone else who was it........#i had a geudge against the new peincipal and his horrendous graduation plans but it ended up not mattering anyways cuz of covid#drivethru graduation lmao ✌️#michi tag#not to talk abt highschool again LMAO
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patron saint of being hot
and a lot of skill and really interesting anecdotes about your life and having professors that give me second hand anxiety bc they seem kinda awful and mean. But mainly just being hot
ty! admittedly my professors are not that bad, ive only had one bad professor that was more incompetent that awful. if you want another anecdote, ill tell you about the only teacher i truly despise to this day (on the tags, cuz its a very dark story)
ask gamerino
#i retook that course with a different professor and passed expectacularly. now for the horrendous teacher#on this story we have vomiting injuries and attempted suicide so watch out#in my last two years of our highschool equivalent i had PE with a teacher that loved to play favorites#if u were on a sport team you were immediately given special treatment and as you might already tell i wasnt. i hate ball sports#i loved exercising but i dreaded PE because of her#i have a condition that made my periods incredibly painful and meself anemic so those weeks were hellish#even though i was a good student she would NEVER let me sit out the navette test. even with a doctors note#i would do my best and then literally go vomit and pass out in the bathroom cuz if i did it on the court i would be berated#that wasnt enough to earn my absolute hatred tho. we now move to the worst day of my life to this day#it was just getting to school from lunch (we could go home and have it there) and i had PE#when i get a text#it was my best friend being cryptic thanking me for being a friend and saying goodbyes#he was going to commit suicide#i absolutely lost my shit as one does and went on a rampage#i couldnt get in contact with anyone (his ex stepdad was abusive and isolated his family) and they didnt let me get out of school#i was desperate and my friends were trying to help me but i didnt know what to do. i called my mom and she called his school and then i just#sat and waited with a friend. while the other classmates did the navette test#the minutes passed. i got message from my bffs number and it was his mom telling me she found him just in time#i broke then. i started sobbing and screaming and scratching my arms and my friend held me and tried to keep me from hurting myself#some other classmates came concerned and tried to help#then the teacher came. she just looked at one of the volleyball girlies who shrugged#she didnt ask if i was ok or if i needed to call someone or go somewhere. she just asked if i planning to do the test#i said no and she left and i kept crying#when i felt stable enough i went to see what had happened and she just failed me. i couldnt give the test any other day and that was that#she simply didnt care#i had to calm myself down while writing this. its no use getting emotional over a teacher that didnt care#but i hate her. she made the worst day of my life worse and she doesnt know and doesnt care#that memory fuels me to never surrender to indifference and make the pain in this world worse#my bff got help he needed after that and our bond is stronger than ever. he never pulled something like that again#thats the story! not gonna tag this babes
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i love all the queer film parallels to byler but get the 13 reasons why one out of here i did not write a ten page paper my freshman year of film school on how mentally damaging that show was for you to remind me it exists when im tryna enjoy my fun little 80s gay monster show
#i have a thing with blood so ive never once watched the suicide scene instead i listened to the descriptive audio#and why the mother fucking fuck did they have her do it in the most visually graphic way possible#i also had such a fucking panic attack in s2 when the kid was getting ready to shoot up the school#like full on locked myself in the bathroom hyperventilating#i hated so much that they showed it from his point of view#i have major anxiety about shootings especially school shootings and that just sent me over the fucking edge WHAT WAS THE REASON#i think i watched it around the first anniversary of parkland and i was already stressed so that did not fucking help#i refuse to believe that show is even remotely inspired by anything in stranger things be fr its fucking horrendous#i didnt watch past the almost shooting scene and i never will#fuck that show#byler#‘’film school’’ pff its a regular college with a film major#i aint THAT cool
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to be quite honest i'm not entirely over having my teenage body scrutinized and deemed overly scandalous and inappropriate at various times by insane staff and faculty in evangelical high school for existing in leggings or a dress. just things i'm thinking upon and getting enraged over this nye. imagine having a normal body image
#couldn't wear leggings or tight pants in the cult school and once was pulled aside by a male teacher who told me my shirt was too low#(the shirt had literally been given to me by the dorm dean) full offense but i hope he dies painfully#and then at the next (liberal by adventist standards) school had dress check every fri night and sat morning to go to mandatory church#in last two years had a fully evil head dean who pulled me aside on my way to sunday breakfast to look at my ass and tell me no one wanted#to see that and when we had (also mandatory) 'banquets' instead of prom she told me at the (mandatory) dress precheck that the dress i#borrowed was too tight around the armpits (?) and i needed to fix it (i just hiked it up higher when i had to walk past her to leave and#she didnt notice) i dont even remember what kind of dress it was#this woman was so cartoonishly evil. people whose skin i would rip off and burn in front of them#also if i were skinny u know none of these evil motherfuckers would have looked twice#i literally will never be able to afford enough therapy to fix the damage these people + my mother did to my self image....anyway#oh plus purity culture..........wow its crazy how my eating habits are abnormal idk why#i hate adventists sm#wait im not done. this woman also put up a sign on the front doors of the dorm about how us girls have to 'protect the men of our campus'#by not wearing leggings etc. die in a fire. ok im done#me#ed tw#(?) just in case#ex sda
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started thinking about the implications.....!!! (<- tgwdlm is on grims brain)
#musings#sorry i am specifically thinking about the paul emma scene where he admits he likes hatchetfield & doesnt want to leave....#(its all hes ever known). and that his high school didnt have a theatre program at all (probably lived in an impoverished part of the city#growing up). and the fact that seeing hatchetfield highs production made him hate musicals#(something he doesn't have the opportunity to do. they have more)#and the fucking!!! we hated ourselves (he does hate himself!) ...#god. and the. i've never been happy wouldnt that be nice...i've become what i've hated or maybe i never did#it's awful freeing now to share the hate i felt.#DO YOU UNDERSTAND !!! its projection!!! i dont think he actually hates musicals that much.#but the first musical he saw was an experience that was meant to make him & the other kids#at his school feel inferior about not having as much as the other school!! aughh.#and its the fact hes the one who knew all the lyrics to moana.....yknow.#slightly related but not. do you ever think about how paul does everything for others & never for himself.#he has the opposite of an i want song. he helps his friends even when it endangers him. ''it doesnt matter what i want''....#myabe im considering the implications too much but.
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ahsgsjaugejwjg
#sh/sui warning for tags#been having a shit day and just not feeling great overall and usually drinking water and eating helps but it hasnt today :/#which means its an Actual Problem this time. like i knew it was an actual problem when i fucking cut AGAIN but idk#idk man. im just so so so scared of my friends hating me#and i know i have to see my partner again bc she is the one and only person that never ever makes me feel safe and unjudged and everything#but idk. as of right now im just not havin a great time.#like its actually so stupid the things i get upset about. there was some motivational speaker at my school today and when we got called down#to go watch the presentation i had to take like five seconds to grab my bag and phone from my desk#and my two friends got up and left together without waiting for me#and i know it wasn’t their intention and they weren’t trying to be mean or anything but man. doesnt make it hurt less yk.#and i saw some post from a guy in my school of him and his friends in the cafeteria and idk why but it made me so sad. it made me think abt#one time my friends said they wanted to walk around at lunch so i was like ok i’ll eat alone that’s fine bc i’m too disabled to walk around#the school. and then someone sent me a pic of them all eating together in the cafeteria. and i know they probably just stopped there for a#second and weren’t purposely ignoring me or anything but man that did not help yk#i want to leave them alone bc they never seem to want to talk to me but im trying to tell myself its just my mind but its so hard to#and i do love my friends and im making them seem a lot worse here than they are but its just. god im so scared.#idk. i dont actually want to die but i wish i could kms like. temporarily.#i know this is bad and manipulative but i just cant shake the want to know what would happen if i did yk. and this is a terrible train of#thought but like i want my friends to realize how scared this makes me and if i have to kms to do that. idk.#ive brought it up to them before and they pretty much told me to eat with someone else and i said i didnt have any other friends and they#kind of just said not my problem. so i dont want to bring it up again bc im mature enough to deal with my own issues and shit#it’s just hard man. i dont know how im supposed to communicate w them bc everything feels like im traumadumping on them and i dont want to#bother them. im trying to convince myself its not an issue and it doesnt actually bother me but i know it does bc i just fucking relapsed#and i had a city council thing in class today and i was the only person that was denied any funding at all and i was trying not to take it#personally and i was doing pretty good but i told my mom about it and she started defending the ppl that refused me anything and then it was#suddenly personal to me for some reason. its stupid and i know that but god that doesnt make it any better#rambles#vent
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The Middle School Loneliness
#txt#bruh it never left ever ill never not feel lonely. its haunting#i had to do an assignment today n was talking to my mom about middle school and#Frown.#it made me sad#i also saw a photo of myself from middle school#i was so young i didnt deserve that why did she hate me so badly was i that weird#i didnt deserve that why did they put me through that
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im about to complain so hard about irl people u best believe it
#but its not really about this person specifically. disregarding the fact she annoys me so much#this girl has always made me feel like an evil bitch who is only capable of hurting everyone around me. and her friends told me as much#and whats worse is we used to be friends too. im not gonna lie and say i never made mistakes in my friendships#but theres a difference between showing me i did something wrong and demonizing me for it#but somehow she has been following me everywhere i go. she followed me to a summer program. she followed me in volunteer programs.#she followed me to my damn high school and then she followed me to that stupid group job interview#and shes better than me in every single way and i wouldnt care if i just didnt know her#i hate feeling jealous and petty like this because then i feel like im proving her right but oh my god#i wouldnt care if i didnt get that job if SHE didnt answer those questions perfectly with no struggle or stutter and such a big smile#everytime she shows up its like theres no point that i do anything at all#who cares if i dont get a job but why would it have to be given to HER. and i know it will. because shes better and she always does#the only time she doesnt get something is if she herself refuses it. and i try to ignore it i try not to feel this way#because it feels so gross and like she was right about me all along. but im so tired too#aricouldyounot
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these past few days i have been uncharacteristically. emotionally open. w my friend and it has me thinking about how truly for all of my life i just did not expect anything from anyone
#like since i was a kid i just accepted in my head that all the ''friends'' id have were ppl who either were just putting up w me (probably#bc they had no one else and i was like. what was available) or ppl who cared ab me yeah but i was still their second or third choice#and i was just like. yeah ok. i can survive w that. like consciously i made the choice to hang out w people i knew didnt really like me#bc it was better than not having anyone to talk to#did it hurt any less when those ppl eventually stopped talking to me or i learned theyve been talking about how annoying i am to others?#no it didnt. bc i still cared about Them and had Them as my first choice. but i just thought. thats just how it is. im jist not really#likeable. so ill take what i can get#when i was like 7 or 8. i had one friend at school. and she had like some issues at home or smth idk but sometimes she would just start.#treating me badly or just ignoring me for months at a time. and its not like it deeply traumatized me or anything i honestly didmt remember#this fact until like last year but the thing is that i just. accepted it. i was just like yeah ok for half of the year or so my only friend#will act like she hates me and ill have no one to talk to. thats fine. ill just wait until next year when she likes me again. at age 7. and#now im just like what the fuck man why did i just accept that as my life. through all my childhood and then with other friends in my teen#years why did i never not once try to do better for myself. yknow?#when i was 11 and in another school my best friend suddenly started not talking to me. after a month or so of this i decided to invite her#to my house to play like we had done so several times before and she just looked at me like she was confused i was talking to her at all#and said ''why?''. and i was just like. ok. thats that i guess. genuinely why did i just accept these things#and like yeah i have friends that i feel Get me now and one i love just so much and i can tell loves me back but theyre online. i dont talk#to anyone irl. i dont know how. and im happy im so happy but im also scared that im just doomed to be extremely lonely forever irl#because i am legit just not likeable. not to be a weird a weirdo but yeah im just too different from ur average person my age i cant#connect with them in any way. and i also dont know how to talk to people or make friends or to find people that are like me. ill just#not have anyone forever#i guess#especially bc now i dont hate myself enough to hang out with people i dont like so like. i dont even have that as an option skdbskdjks#Every friend i ever made happened bc the other person reached out to me first and insisted on it. all the friendships that stuck were the#gay autistic/adhd weirdonerds who can relate to my hyperfixations and dont expect me to act Normal™. idk how to find the former group irl#and have never once iniciated a friendship. my fate is to be someone who has online friends only and exclusively#and dont even get me STARTED on the topic of having a girlfriend someday-#anyways. certified magnus archives moment
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