#i do it all for ethel

[ofthecaravel]

I'd Rather Be With You

Sequel to But You Look So Cool

Summary: Happy (????) Holidays!

Tags: Being home with your family for the holidays, The Twins conspiring, shame, doubt, arguing, Danny being a saint, NSFW at the very very end for like 2 secs

Words: 3k

A/N: Itty bitty holiday sequel to my most beloved! Wanted to touch more on Sam's family dynamic and what they've been up to since we left them. Thanks for reading MWAH

~~~

“Oh, my God, you were serious.”

“Did you think I was lying?”

“I mean, a little! Can you blame me?”

The Kiszka twins -home for the holidays, clutching wine glasses, and peeking around a doorway- were struggling to understand just what they were seeing. Not only had Sam brought someone home for Christmas (which is something they had never, ever expected from him, at least not in the state he’d been in for the past couple of years), but he had brought Danny Wagner. Danny fuckin’ Wagner, who stuck out in their collective consciousness for being a consistent presence during their Sunday school days and very briefly being the solitary member of their high school’s golf team. A nice, well adjusted boy with a nice, well adjusted family that he could easily be spending a much merrier Christmas Eve with. But here he was, laughing in the quiet living room of the Kiszka household and going through a photo album with Sam and their sister.  

“Crazy,” Jake murmured into a sip of his wine, shaking his head slightly as Josh nodded thoughtfully next to him. 

“It’s not like I’m mad he’s here,” Josh added, his eyebrows still high in surprise. “It’s just funny to see him next to Sam.”

They did admittedly look a little out of place nestled shoulder to shoulder. Danny’s smiling face was aglow with a wine drunk blush, snuggled up in a well fitting blue sweater and his hair tucked dotingly behind his ear. Sam, on the other hand, had his knees clad in oil stained mechanics pants and pulled up to his chin, looking not unlike an anxious pretzel as he chewed on his thumb and rested his head on Danny’s shoulder. 

“He pierced his ears,” Josh noted as he wiped some crumbs off the chest of his sweater. “Ya think Sam had something to do with that?”

“Definitely,” Jake smiled, his lips still stuck to the lip of his glass. “He probably did it for him. He’s gonna corrupt that sweet kid. Poor guy.”

“He’s been doing better,” Josh argued on behalf of his baby brother. “He’s got a job and his own place now. I swear Mom was gonna start charging him rent.”

“She would never,” Jake hummed, tuning in to the sound of their mother in the kitchen, talking to someone on the phone as dishes clinked in the sink. “He could crash the car into the house and she’d forgive him.”

“I guess the standards have been set pretty low,” Josh mumbled. Jake sighed a little and Josh cringed at his own words, slotting another cookie into his mouth and pulling out his phone.

He’d meant it as a joke, but it was still weird to even allude to everything that had gone down with their dad. It was hard to ignore, mostly when they were all together. It made it all the more obvious that someone was missing from the equation. Sure, he was a phone call away, but none of the siblings really wanted to talk to him. The twins were already graduating when their dad had been arrested, and they quickly escaped the immediate fallout with the titles of valedictorian, salutatorian, and two full ride scholarships that they rode the hell out of town. Ronnie had escaped into time with their mom and a myriad of friends to disappear in. And Sam…Sam had found his escape in means that only added to the fallout of the situation. 

So, yeah. The joke didn’t land. 

Especially during December. The family that used to fill their house simply didn’t bother to come by anymore, leaving only the immediate family to desperately try and revive a festive cheer that none of them really believed in anymore. Sam had barely attended the past few gatherings, and Jake and Josh had skipped them altogether under the pretense of their busy lives and jobs in Detroit. So imagine the oddity of having someone know all of the tension that would come with their awful little Christmas party and deciding to come anyway. 

“It’s just weird, dude,” Jake said plainly, finishing off his drink and setting it down loudly. “Kinda thought we’d be the ones bringing people home to try and fill the silence.”

“He’s making us look bad,” Josh chuckled, making a fond noise in response to seeing Danny give Sam a quick kiss to the forehead. “Look at that! What witchcraft has he been cooking up in his shitty little basement to swing that?”

“Love potions,” Jake responded in a silly voice and they both erupted into harmonizing giggles. 

The three on the couch looked up in confusion at them, which only made them laugh harder. Sam bristled instantly and Danny turned to see his eyes flicker with insecurity before glazing into a cold glinting squint.

“Shut the fuck up!” Sam barked, immediately (and correctly) assuming they were laughing at his expense.

“Sam!” their mom yelled from the kitchen, and Sam immediately closed his mouth and continued to glare stormily at his snorting brothers. 

“What’s funny?” Danny asked innocently, applying a gentle pressure to Sam’s shoulder with his own to try and calm him a little. Sam had been touchy for days leading up to this and Danny was honestly running out of ideas on how to soothe him.

“Nothing, nothing,” Jake said coolly, turning his back on them to return a bottle to their bar cart.

“He’s drunk,” Josh accused teasingly, exchanging an amused look with Danny that made Danny ease up ever so slightly.

“He’s an idiot,” Ronnie quipped, which Sam passionately nodded in agreement with. 

“You’re an idiot,” Jake retorted, his words carrying no bite as he and his sister traded mocking faces at each other while Danny watched with a shy smile. While the bickering continued, he looked over at Sam and melted a little at the sight. Around his siblings, Sam seemed smaller and softer than when he was trying to put on a suave front when he was on his own. Danny had obviously seen through that facade over a year ago, but Sam still attempted to carry himself with that same edge that Danny had fallen for but never really bought. However, in his childhood home surrounded by family and the ghosts of dynamics established long ago, there was no hiding for Sam. He was a little boy in a leather jacket being picked on lovingly by his big brothers and sister, and while Danny knew that Sam was going to be annoyed for the rest of the night, he really couldn’t help but find the whole scene adorable. 

“Danny is very tired and we are going to bed!” Sam finally shouted over his jabbering siblings, holding onto Danny’s arm and tugging to try and get him to his feet. 

“Aw, lame, Sam, come on!” Jake cackled while Danny gave Sam a look of confusion and amusement as they both stood up. “We were all gonna stay up until midnight and throw rocks at Santa’s sleigh.”

“I thought we were seducing him,” Josh complained, clearly much more into his idea. 

“Well, give him my number, then,” Sam countered. “Or throw a rock in my honor. I can’t be around you assholes for a minute longer.”

“That’s not very festive of you, Sammy,” Ronnie frowned, pulling on his sleeve as Sam attempted to shuffle Danny across the room almost as if he were a human shield. “Come on, stay.”

“I really am tired,” Danny said with remorse, giving all of Sam’s siblings a sincerely sympathetic smile. “But we’ll be up bright and early for presents, I promise.”

“You’re the sweetest, Danny,” Jake replied, clapping Danny on the back as they passed. “Don’t know why you bother with this street urchin.”

Sam rolled his eyes but Danny felt the genuine shiver of irritation from him as Josh and Ronnie hummed similar sentiments about Danny and Sam being…Danny and Sam.  

“Goodnight, you guys,” Danny bid them, giving a little wave as Sam practically dragged him up the stairs. 

--

They had all tossed him enthusiastic and properly festive goodnights as he chuckled and let himself get pulled along by Sam, who let out a frustrated sigh the second they were out of earshot. Danny only got a moment of appreciating the cute, vintage wallpaper of the hallway and the childhood photos hung up before Sam pulled him into his old bedroom and closed the door noisily behind them. Sam immediately collapsed face first into his pillow and let out a muffled groan while Danny cracked his neck and did a little perimeter walk of the room. He ghosted his fingers over posters ripped haphazardly out of magazines and Scotch taped to the wall and sun bleached science fair ribbons. Sam let out another noisy sigh while Danny continued to dote on every tchotchke and think with red cheeks about another time he’d surveyed Sam’s room while Sam vied for his attention. 

“They only razz you because they love you, baby,” Danny hummed, finally turning away from the sweetly dorky photos of Sam and his school peers to smile at Sam sprawled dramatically on his twin bed. 

“I wish they would do it in a way that didn’t remind me I’m such a fantastic fuck up,” Sam spat bitterly, flipping so he was staring up at the ceiling. His eyes were flat and dark in the way that Danny had seen for so many years and his heart fluttered sadly as he sat on the edge of the bed and put a reassuring hand on Sam’s cheek. Sam immediately let out a little huff and nuzzled against his palm.

“You’re really warm,” Danny noted simply as he felt the heat brewing on Sam’s skin.

“Yeah, ‘cause I’m fucking pissed off,” Sam muttered, rolling his eyes dismissively and shaking his head slightly as he stared at the wall and allowed Danny to swipe his thumb over his cheek and smooth his hair.

“You’re not a fuck up, Sam. I hate hearing you say that,” Danny assured Sam, using every ounce of sincerity in his body when he said it. Sam didn’t answer, simply continuing to chew on his lip and petulantly avoid eye contact. 

“Hey, can you look at me when I’m talking to you?” Danny asked sternly.

“Can you stop pretending like I’m some pathetic wimp fishing for a compliment?” Sam snapped, pulling Danny’s hand off of his face and rearranging himself again to stare into the expanse of the room. Danny recoiled slightly, unable to fend off the sting of Sam rejecting his kindness. But after a year of learning how to navigate Sam’s many tantrums and categorizing the roots of the meltdowns, he knew that Sam didn’t mean to hurt him. He never did. 

“Sammy,” Danny said softly, moving further onto the bed and tucking his feet under Sam’s legs. “I know you were really hesitant to come and do this at all.”

“They just make me so mad,” Sam whispered. “There’s just, like, this hole whenever we’re all together. Dad, I mean. His stupid choices and then, you know, my stupid choices. I don’t…I don’t want to be another empty space for them. And I feel like no matter what I do, I’m gonna be that.”

Danny couldn’t stand to give Sam his space for a second longer. He lowered himself to lay behind Sam and Sam immediately turned and buried his head into the crook of Danny’s neck, the both of them awkwardly entangling to keep Sam as close as possible to Danny’s chest while they clung together. There weren’t any tears from Sam, but Danny could feel the shudder in his thin chest as he fought to even out his breathing and calm down.

“And then,” Sam continued weakly, his voice high with emotion as he stumbled over his words frantically. “They’re giving me all that shit about how great you are and how you don’t belong with me. Like I don’t already know that. Fuck, Danny, I’m sorry but I agree with them. You deserve so much better than me and my-”

“Sam-”

“I’m serious, I swear I’m just waiting for you to wake up and realize I’m an asshole with-”

“Sam.” 

Sam, ever the obedient listener even in the midst of a full blown rant, cut himself off with a ragged exhale and pressed his mouth against Danny’s neck to silence himself. Danny held the back of his head and rested his lips right next to Sam’s ear, resisting the urge to nip his earlobe like he usually did when he was this close. 

“Sam,” Danny whispered, soft and smooth and steady. “You know I love you. You know I hate hearing you talk about yourself like this. I know you’ve had a lot of trouble coping with everything since your dad went away, and I know you made a lot of choices that you’re not proud of. But, I mean, you were a kid. A really hurt kid. And you’ve been trying so hard to change from the person you were and frankly, I can hardly believe you can’t see how much you’ve grown in this past year alone. You’re amazing.”

Sam sniffled slightly and burrowed up further against Danny. Danny smiled, his mind fuzzy with fondness as he thought about every instance that proved his own point. Sam, who quietly leafed through self help books rented from the library and wrote down all the tips and tricks he could because he was so determined to stop picking fights with anyone and everyone. Sam, who taught himself to cook with nothing but the cooking channel and the goal of having a new dish for Danny to try every week. Sam, who had worked infuriating shifts at the mechanics to pay for the lovingly hand picked presents for his family that now lay under the tree downstairs. Sam, who Danny loved more than anything.

“You should be with a good man,” Sam breathed, barely audible. “You’re gonna die wishing you hadn’t wasted so much time on me.”

“Good men die too,” Danny replied with a disbelieving laugh. “I’d rather be with you.”

Danny felt Sam’s lips smile slightly against his skin and he kissed his temple, still gently cupping the back of his silken head as his other hand absently doodled soothing shapes on the considerable curve of Sam’s back. If his hand dipped any lower, he’d be tracing the inky wings of the lower back tattoo Sam had surprised him with a few months back. Danny’s cheeks burned thinking about it for a moment too long and he channeled the warmth into pressing more kisses against Sam’s hair.

After a few minutes of silence, Sam pulled away just enough to look up at Danny through his starry lashes and give him a lovelorn smile. 

“Thank you,” Sam whispered sincerely, tucking a frizzy wave behind Danny’s ear with his deft calloused fingers. “I’m sorry for spinning out on you.”

“Family makes everybody crazy,” Danny shrugged, reaching up between them to lightly hold Sam’s chin with his thumb and forefinger. “And you never have to apologize. I’m happy to help.”

Danny tried and failed to smother his smile watching Sam’s pupils blow wide with affection as Danny kept a hold on his jaw. 

“I love you, Sammy,” Danny purred, teasingly brushing his nose against Sam’s. “And for the record, I have never once thought you were bad. You’re actually very, very good.”

“How good?” Sam asked bashfully, his lips parting to let out a shaky smiling breath as he playfully pressed his finger against Danny’s lip. If there was one thing Sam loved, it was hearing mountains and mountains of praise from Danny. And with all things considered, Danny figured he was owed it in.

“So good,” Danny grinned, tapping Sam’s nose. “You’ve always been so good for me, Sammy, right from the start. Such a good listener especially. So gentle and kind and nothing but good. And so, so pretty.”

“Now you’re just buttering me up,” Sam murmured with flushed cheeks, still staring unabashedly at Danny’s lips.

“I’m serious,” Danny rasped, his hand moving to properly cup Sam’s jaw with his fingers pressed right behind his ear. “If I had known how well you take direction, I probably would’ve started bossing you around a lot sooner.”

Sam’s eyes widened slightly and Danny knew he was teetering on the edge of falling deep into a sweet, needy headspace that he’d initially been shocked to uncover. But these days? He counted on it. 

“You want me to boss you around a little, baby?” Danny asked gently. “Do you want to forget your hard night and let me do the thinking for a little bit? And then you can wake up nice and happy on Christmas morning and open all the presents I got you. Does that sound good?”

“Yeah,” Sam breathed desperately. “Please.” 

Despite his impatience, he always knew what Danny wanted to hear from him.

“I didn’t even have to ask you to say please,” Danny delighted, finally giving Sam a kiss but pulling away far too quickly to whisper again. “You’re gonna have to be quiet, okay? I know that’s not your strong suit but we can’t have anyone hearing all your cute little noises.”

Sam nodded eagerly and, with both hands firmly planted on the sides of Danny’s head, pulled Danny into a much longer kiss that had Danny readjusting to pin Sam under him. Under any normal circumstance, Danny would’ve had Sam by the throat for grabbing him the way he did. He would’ve had him on his knees until there were tears in his eyes showing Danny how sorry he was for getting handsy without asking Danny first. But maybe Danny was feeling the holiday spirit a little more than usual and decided to show Sam some mercy. He’d bring it up later after Sam had the nice, black necktie Danny had gifted him as an early present wrapped around his wrists. 

“Love you,” Sam murmured dreamily against Danny’s lips as Danny put his weight on his knees and began moving his hands up to smooth over Sam’s chest and play with his waistband.

“Love you too,” Danny echoed with a mischievous smile. 

He didn’t give the chance for Sam to speak again before his palm muffled Sam’s chatty mouth and stifled his growls and whines until the first rose flush of dawn stretched over the newfallen snow and the lovesick boys tangled in a creaky little bed.

--

[twinsfawn]

the eroticism of brutalist architecture with ethel cain

[irlpretear]

100 more trans/genderqueer musicians

a pt.2 to my last post

Bands

Problem Patterns (riot grrl) (x)

Et On Tuera Tous Les Affreux (hardcore punk) (x)

Speedy Ortiz (indie rock) (x)

Foxtails (punk rock) (x)

Come To Ruin (deathrock) (x)

Arabella (hardcore punk) (x)

Flummox (metal) (x)

Dream Sequence (emo, post-hardcore) (x)

Escuela Grind (grindcore, metal) (x)

Buggin (hardcore punk) (x)

The Aquadolls (indie rock) (x)

Vile Creature (black metal) (x)

Caustic Soda (punk) (x)

Go! Child (indie pop) (x)

Tribe 8 (punk rock) (x)

SeeYouSpaceCowboy (hardcore punk) (x)

NARC (hardcore punk, sludge violence) (x)

BRAT (hardcore punk) (x)

[ctrl] (power violence) (x)

Strawberry Milk Cult (punk rock) (x)

.gif from god (metal) (x)

CyberGirlfriend (indie rock) (x)

Vermin Vendetta (metal) (x)

Pretty Frankenstein (glam goth) (x)

Doll Chaser (punk) (x)

RENT STRIKE (folk punk) (x)

Tears for the Dying (goth rock) (x)

Himbo (math rock) (x)

Out of Sight (hardcore punk) (x)

Morta (metal) (x)

Girlpool (indie rock) (x)

Life of Agony (metal) (x)

Mashrou' Leila (indie rock) (x)

Basketball Divorce Court (post punk) (x)

Bad Waitress (art punk) (x)

Rural Internet (hip hop, electronic) (x)

The Crystal Furs (indie pop) (x)

Blind Tiger (hardcore metal) (x)

Atomic Broad (punk) (x)

tote bag (tender punk) (x)

Pansy Prep (indie rock, emo) (x)

UT/EX (metalcore, screamo) (x)

Your Heart Breaks (indie pop) (x)

Yam (punk rock) (x)

K's Choice (rock, alt pop) (x)

Elderberry Industries (noise, synth) (x)

Qi.x (kpop) (x)

The Mermerings (folk punk) (x)

Refractory Period (synthpop) (x)

fenix (rock) (x)

Solo Artists

Tape Girl (hyperpop, ska) (x)

Titica (kuduro, pop) (x)

Lauren Bousfield (synth punk) (x)

Liniker (r&b) (x)

TRVDWIFE (grindcore, cybergrind) (x)

Stomach Book (electronic, indie rock) (x)

Coyote Grace (bluegrass) (x)

Jake Zyrus (r&b, soul) (x)

D'Nayzja (hyperpop, electronic) (x)

Adeem the Artist (country) (x)

Renee Goust (pop, cumbia) (x)

Linn Da Quebrada (club, Brazilian funk) (x)

The Reverent Marigold (folk) (x)

Çağla Akalın (arabesque) (x)

Jessie Chung (Malaysian pop) (x)

Spike Fuck (post-punk, smackwave) (x)

Shea Diamond (soul, r&b) (x)

Vivek Shraya (pop, dance) (x)

Mocchi (folk, alt rock) (x)

SuperKnova (indie pop) (x)

Creep-P (hyperpop) (x)

Aljas (rap) (x)

Sylvia Baudelaire (rap) (x)

London Jade (hip-hop, rap) (x)

Susy Shock (tango) (x)

Slugwife (hyperpop) (x)

Jupiter Fiction (singer-songwriter) (x)

Mrs. Yéyé (punk) (x)

Lady Charles (glam rock) (x)

Mily Taormina (indie) (x)

Dope Saint Jude (rap, hip-hop) (x)

Imbi the Girl (hip-hop, rap) (x)

187 (drum'n'bass) (x)

zombAe (experimental hip hop, electronic) (x)

The Official Bard of Baldwin County (folk) (x)

Skylar Rose Stravinsky (singer-songwriter) (x)

hard Tiddies (country, singer-songwriter) (x)

Bunny Danger (punk) (x)

Ataru Nakamura (pop) (x)

Anjimile (folk) (x)

Villano Antillano (rap, urbano) (x)

Lauren Auder (indie pop) (x)

Justin Vivian Bond (cabaret) (x)

Namoli Brennet (folk, indie rock) (x)

Mya Byrne (Americana, folk) (x)

Quinn Christospherson (indie rock) (x)

Jayne County (proto-punk, glam rock) (x)

Katie Dey (experimental pop) (x)

Electra Elite (electropop, dance) (x)

Quay Dash (hip-hop, rap) (x)

[bloodyrawsweet]

the end of 'bones and all' if they played strangers by ethel cain

[rotisseries]

God's Country, Ethel Cain

[newwavesylviaplath]

hbd @nahoyasboyfriend i tried my best babes i really did

[myrkulitescourge]

imo karlach’s soul coin usage seems like it should have been a little more significant than it was.

she only ever really stops to consider the magnitude of burning through a person’s soul for power during an origin playthrough—otherwise she rationalizes to the player that they’re doomed anyway, and if using them gives her an edge in combat, why not use them for good instead of leaving them to be used by evil? the dialogue with lann tarv in act 2, where he tells the story of each soul he's handing over to her, tries to humanize each soul coin, and still she doesn’t really budge and disapproves pretty heavily if she's told no in regards to using them.

it just seems like something that could have caused some kind of conflict between her and wyll, given he sold his soul to a devil in dire circumstances and takes issue with the player for sleeping with mizora, because she 1) is mizora, and 2) similarly expends tormented souls during her romance scene, even if for a different purpose. but it just... never really comes up?

i love karlach. but that seems like it should have gone Somewhere, from a writing standpoint? karlach values wyll as a person but is willing to use currency forged from souls like his for the sake of a temporary power up. she knows the soul is consumed when she uses them. that whole exchange with lann tarv is there to emphasize that every soul coin she destroys was a person once. but it all kind of loses narrative purpose if this combination of factors doesn't mean anything? karlach doesn't change at all in her willingness to use soul coins, no matter what the player says or how much she cares for wyll.

idk. missed opportunity that wyll doesn't have any dialogue about this, of all things.

[formula-red]

I tried to be good, am I no good? Am I no good? Am I no good?

untitled, Geloy Concepcion // Seventeen Going Under, Sam Fender // untitled, traumatizeddfox // Two People, Sam Fender // The War of Vaslav Nijinsky, Frank Bidart // Hard Times, Ethel Cain // Child Wearing a Red Scarf, Eduoard Vuillard // Complex, Katie Gregson Macleod // Funeral by Phoebe Bridgers, malaak // Too Much Wine, The Handsome Family // untitled, milklump // untitled, dying-weeds // Strangers, Ethel Cain

[preciouslandmermaid]

spencer/reader + southern gothic aesthetic "I'm just a child, but I'm not above violence My mama raised me better than that..."

the mosquitoes and frogs sing their discordant symphony above the rustling oak leaves and Spanish moss that drape over branches like abandoned wedding veils. you push your toes on the damp floorboards and the rocking chair tilts backward, and your stomach lurches as you sway forward. the old book on your lap with yellowed pages and a musty scent lays open like a vivisected hare. a gnat lands on the corner of the page and you try to flick it away. you accidentally killed it and your brows furrow softly. the hinges on the screen door squeak and you break your monotonous rhythm, the rocking chair sway cut short. "garcia says we're lucky we have cell service," spencer says, with his hands in his pockets, before his eyes flick to your lap, "what're you reading?" "mm." you nod. "nice of the chief to let us use his house." you close the book and self-consciously wipe the title with your hand (the one that killed the gnat). "did you know that franz kafka didn't want bugs on the cover of his book?" "you're reading 'the metamorphosis'," he guesses. "it's a comfort read," you say, shrugging, your toes pushing the floorboards again. spencer slowly sits in the rocking chair beside you and you silently return to the symphonies of the moist, summer night. at least - you do until spencer starts talking about his interpretation of the novel and you listen, your eyes focused on the harsh, slice of darkness where the porch light doesn't reach.

[sunny-rants]

map of the US made by a Canadian music lover

[darcyolsson]

"no one actually cares about the spotify links you post" wrong. i do. i mean it when i say i listen to at least half of the songs people put on my dash. a solid amount of my music i find through random hyperlinks or, preferably, a dramatic text post that uses smalltext.io liberally. i will even google randomly posted lyrics to find out which song it's from and then listen to it attentively and put it in a playlist if i like it. dont know whose god complex this is going to feed but i need to put this out there

[nepttunnee]

when you’re at a being absolutely abnormal about your hyper fixation competition and your opponent is me…anyways.

[strangersynth]

the fourth, the final sacrifice

[rotisseries]

*twirling hair* sooo. byler cannibalism moodboard inspired by this poll by @bylertruther. featuring a truly egregious amount of ethel cain

[megalomari]

made some questionable oculary decisions on my first run lol

[httpsgrace]

guess who just watched bones and all, grace did

she’s now loosing her mind

because why

why why why why why why why why

it’s so real

LIKE EAT ME, LOVE ME, WHAT