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possamble · 2 months

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What are your headcanons about Marcille's mom if you have any? It's interesting that what drew Donato to her was cause she lived the history he studied, or that was said somewhere at least. She must've had an interesting life.

so this was going to be just a normal answer but then I realized I have a Lot of Things To Say. so here goes, a compilation of what we know for a fact from the canon, what I've extrapolated from the visual cues and details, and my theories based on all of that.

Things we know for a fact about Marcille's mother because they were explicitly stated in the manga and supplemental materials:

She was a court mage for a Tall-man kingdom at the southern part of the Northern Continent

Donato, a court historian, fell in love with her because she had lived through the history he was studying, and he courted her for 17 years (age 15 to 32) before getting married

She was a cheerful person who rarely showed extreme emotion and took things as they came

She always cooked a huge meal for Marcille on her birthdays

She remarried a gnome after Donato's death and a short distance away from Marcille's childhood home

Pipi, Marcille's pet bird, was actually older than Marcille and originally belonged to her mother (bird died at 62)

She was extremely heartbroken when Donato died and ultimately ended up instilling a deep fear of mortality in Marcille with her words

the only time she showed extreme emotion in front of her family was when Donato could no longer eat his favourite dish near the end of his life.

She scolded Marcille for being cruel to ants (implying she can have a stern side when needed)

Things that are explicitly shown but mostly through visual cues

She has a very distinctive style of dress always involving a ribbon choker (mirroring Marcille's habit of always wearing a matching choker with any of her outfits that don't cover her neck)

She was almost stereotypically good at housekeeping and traditionally "wifely" things (very frequently depicted wearing an apron or doing some domestic chore when not at work, seems to have been an avid cook).

She knits? (also, note the affectionate smile as she's looking at Donato and Marcille reading a book together in the full panel)

She was as excited for Marcille's milestones as Donato was.

She didn't tell Marcille much about elven food

(there are a couple things that this panel in particular implies:

She lived a good deal of her life (if not being born and raised) in a mainly elven country in the West, implied by her knowing enough of an elven region's cuisine to prefer Tall-man food over it

seems to have a pretty carefree and casual demeanour overall, if this is how she replied to Marcille asking her about it (sounds like she never gave her culinary preferences that much thought to begin with)

slightly related to number 2, it seems like she and Marcille had a fairly casual parent-child dynamic (especially in comparison to the Toudens' memory of their father)

(local elf tastes Italian food once and never goes back))

However, she seems a lot more... serious in most of the other times we see her? Almost like the very stereotypical archetype of a graceful elf.

Subsequent conclusions about her personality:

Usually pretty carefree and cheerful at home, has been a loving and attentive parent throughout Marcille's childhood (while not being so doting that she didn't discipline Marcille).

Slightly more conjectural theories on her personality:

Had a much more graceful and professional personality at work, which would explain the more serious portraits we see of her.

Given that both she and Donato had positions at the royal court, it seems a little odd that she'd go out of her way to do all the housework herself, so maybe she just enjoyed doing it?

Now taping all the evidence together and toeing the line between analysis and fanfiction:

It's clear that she loved Donato very much and was utterly devastated by losing him. But there's one thing that really stuck out to me in what little we see of her:

Doesn't she seem... angry? The way she's gritting her teeth, clutching the tablecloth, and how this is the first and only time we see her eyes opened that wide. In the following panel, you see her being quiet and dejected after her initial outburst. She's still crying very intensely, but her brows are furrowed, and she's not really responding to Donato's affection in her body language.

We're not told the details of how she felt about losing Donato other than that it upset her. But this, to me, implies that she was angry and resented that he was aging, that the end of his life was approaching. An "it's not fair" type of preemptive grief. And if this was the first and last time she cried like this in front of her family, she was either very good at coping in private... or very bad at letting herself feel unpleasant emotions until they become unavoidable and end up overwhelming her.

It's not too remarkable a detail on the surface. It's even reminiscent of what the audience has seen of Marcille. But... when it comes to the big picture, you'd think an elf who voluntarily chose to marry a tall-man and have a half-elf child would have been better prepared for this.

It kind of recontextualizes her cheerfulness to me.

"I'm sure everything's gonna be okay!" (or some variation thereof, depending on what translation you have).

And this is stated to contrast her extreme grief when finally confronting Donato's failing body and eventual death. But I'm wondering if... maybe this optimism was why she was so upset. What if she went into all of it thinking "everything's gonna be okay"? What if she was a little young by elven standards, and just followed her heart thinking that her own resilience would get her through anything?

Of course, only to get completely overwhelmed when she actually loses Donato. She turns into a completely different person. And that's heartbreaking on its own-- but what the audience sees is the effect it had on Marcille. Can you imagine being her, watching your invincible and upbeat mother suddenly lose all the light in her eyes in one go?

I've already made a huge post about how I think Marcille models her "work persona" off her mother, but another thing that stuck with me as I was looking for more details in the manga was this:

copy pasting from the other post i made about it lmao it's like... the second she resigns herself to lifelong pain and terror, there's another portrait of her mother facing her like this. with their heads bowed, in mirrored body language of resignation and despair and sorrow. Except it's posed like Marcille is still looking at her mother but her mother is looking away.

It took me a second to realize, but I think that it's a visual metaphor for the fact that Marcille's mother was the only long-lived role model she had-- and she failed to model healthy grief for her daughter. I don't say this as an accusation or to disparage her as a character, but just as a matter of fact. In her, Marcille was seeing herself older and losing a short-lived spouse or loved one of her own, and all she saw was hopelessness.

But her mother didn't mean to instill hopelessness and terror in her. She wasn't really thinking of how it would truly affect Marcille at all (at least, that's how I'm interpreting her looking down and away from Marcille in the metaphor), she was just sad. And she, in her own way, was trying to protect her daughter and help her prepare for future losses.

What she meant was "loss is inevitable, and you have to learn how to be in pain but live on anyway." What Marcille heard was "loss is inevitable, and you will be scared and hurt for the rest of your life."

Again. Marcille's mother doesn't feature explicitly in the story the way her father does -- but in so many ways, her shadow, her silhouette, her reflection is always hanging over Marcille.

All that to say... headcanon-wise (everything from here on is 100% without evidence lmao), I'd like to think that she matured and realized that she failed Marcille. I imagine her being regretful about it, wanting a chance to fix it but never finding a way to insert herself back into Marcille's life when Marcille is so so so busy becoming the most accomplished mage possible. I imagine her being herself again, now, so many years after her loss and after remarrying -- but with her cheerfulness tempered with a lot more wisdom and the pain of having gone through loss like that. I think the second Marcille actually tells her what happened in the dungeon, she'd want to go running to her daughter again -- if Marcille tells her the full truth instead of just being embarrassed she let things get that far. (oh, the tragedy of her wanting to be more like her mother and an accomplished adult who doesn't need to be babied... being embarrassed to actually tell her mother how much she fucked up...)

There's also the tension of her having remarried -- I know that there's at least a little bit of resentment that Marcille harbours about that, because she's childish like that at heart even if she makes an effort not to externalize it. I think that her mother would be aware of that, potentially adding to her sense of guilt and apprehension at trying to reappear/intrude on Marcille's life. I honestly don't think Marcille has met her stepfather -- or even considers him a stepfather rather than "mama's new husband" and kind of a total stranger. I think she and her mother actively don't talk about it in their correspondence, like an elephant in the room.

but, ultimately, I think her mother is on her side no matter what. Ancient magic? Dark necromancy? Sure, she'll feel guilty and like she was partially responsible for setting Marcille down such a painful path, but she wouldn't care. that's her daughter!! she would've moved back west and been petitioning for her at the court, buying a house right next to the Canaries barracks and visiting her every day that she wasn't on a mission. And if her husband had opinions on Marcille becoming a "dark arts user," he either gets over it or it's divorce with him. Yes, she might have had her optimism completely humbled by losing Donato like that -- but she's still headstrong and self-assured and she doesn't care what people think of her. It's her way or the highway and she's always going to be in Marcille's corner.

(She also needs a name lol. I went with Juno, just to be cute about "Marcille"s closest real life equivalent being Marcella, which is the female version of Marcellus, which in turn is a diminutive of Marcus, which was derived from Mars. Absolutely in love with Marcille potentially being named after Ares/Mars the fucking god of war btw)

#asks #she could easily be interpreted as distant or neglectful after Donato's death too #with how little involvement she has in Marcille's life/the fact that Marcille doesn't even mention her when talking about her life prospect #and that's fair! I will argue to hell and back that she was a loving parent when Donato was alive #but there's nothing that suggests she remained a loving parent afterwards #I just think that like... parental relationships are so complicated in dungeon meshi #you cannot deny that the toudens' mother loved them dearly but that she failed them both miserably as a parent #and i think it'd be more compelling if Marcille's mother was a little like that too #not a totally and easily dismissable deadbeat #but someone who truly loves her daughter but was only human herself and couldn't be what Marcille needed at a crucial moment #and regrets it deeply #and that the distance between them is mutually self-imposed by complicated feelings of guilt and fear #and a little resentment from Marcille's side that she hasn't really properly processed #I don't know if I'll ever get around to writing it but i had this idea where Marcille does finally spill the beans to her mom and she just #immediately arrives in Melini #and its awkward for a bit but they do finally have a heart to heart and air it all out #and marcille starts freaking out that her marriage is rocky rn bc her new husband wants her to distance herself from marcille #on account of the crimes and all #marcille's like no you can't blow up your marriage for me and her mother just shuts that shit down #'you didn't choose to be born. i was the one who made that choice for you'#'i brought you into this world and i'll be damned if i don't take responsibility for that the entire way'#'you are entitled to *nothing less* than my unconditional love.'#and obviously that's not a sentiment that's exactly healthy as a universal statement about parenthood #but i think its what her mother would believe and what marcille needs to hear #and dungeon meshi does such a fantastic job at just... letting imperfect things just *be* without having to justify it immediately #it expects the audience to do their own critical thinking #and know that its not trying to make sweeping universal statements in every instance #marcilleposting #marcille donato #junoposting

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thebroccolination · 2 months

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THE EX-MORNING SERIES CONCEPT

By now I think many people have heard that KristSingto’s upcoming series is an original script that was written for them. What we also have confirmed is that it was written about them.

[source]

KRIST: This series was written by P'Backaof and directed by P'Lit where they created this script from the start deliberately for the two of us and they got information for the characters etc. from KristSingto directly. In the series, the name for P'Sing is Tamtawan, and my name is Phatapi. And Tamtawan Tamtawan and Phatapi are KristSingto themselves.

INTERVIEWER: Does that mean you play yourself?

KRIST: [laughing] Yes, we act as ourselves, so it's not difficult at all.

Today, Aof elaborated on his part on Twitter:

[source: @backaof]

[translation: @_beinglistener]

And Jojo added:

[source: @jojotichakorn]

[translation: @_beinglistener]

So, two gay men are the leading creative minds behind KristSingto’s comeback series. Time to study up on your KristSingto history, kids. \:D/

Long live sanctioned RPF. 🎉

#krist perawat #singto prachaya #kristsingto #the ex morning #i’ve already seen the same tired ‘guess rent was due’ about krist and #i see on twitter when people link my thread about krist to people still insisting he’s homophobic #man’s rich #he works constantly #he even said it’s something he regrets now that his grandmother who raised him passed away #he worked so much he didn’t have as much time for his family—who he helps support #he is quite literally considered bl royalty #he has more queer people in his circle than straight #waa (gay) is his mentor #aof (gay) wrote this series and jojo (gay) thought up the concept so even professionally he's supported by queer people #you don’t have to like him #and you don’t have to admit to sending death threats to a stranger who doesn’t speak your language based on rumors you didn’t verify #just y’know #admit quietly to yourself alone in your head that you were wrong and you caused harm to a person who didn’t deserve it #plenty of actors use bl as a stepping stone to bigger jobs #he’s not one of them #he wanted to do bl for years but gmmtv told him he could only work with singto #so literally the only reason kit didn’t do bl until BMF was scheduling issues because singto wanted to study abroad #and singto couldn’t get a fixed date for it and then the pandemic messed with his plans even more #i’m glad to see more and more people are understanding who krist is recently #and even in the series they made pathapi’s controversy an impulsive act of anger #krist has said he used to struggle with being hotheaded #and one of his apologies for the igs was even something like ‘i acted without thinking of how it would look out of context’#he just wanted people to stop harassing him for his sexuality but the context isn’t in the igs #anyway my go-to when i’m too tired to talk about this is always this #if he had ever been homophobic thai people would be the ones leading the charge against him…but it’s interfans

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uselessnbee · 7 months

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what i wish people would also explore more when it comes to Percy is the other side of his feelings about his mom about family and his childhood but this fandom is too afraid to paint Sally even in the slightest bad light (even if it's not bad just acknowledging her flaws because she's a human being and not perfect) that no one will touch on that subject. like yes Sally is the best mom but she also isn't and that's the thing! She isn't perfect! but she tried her best but her best still got Percy hurt and it isn't her fault at all but that's the tragedy of it. i want Percy's feelings about this explored. how he grew up with a loving mom but an abusive step father. how his step father would humiliate him and call him stupid but then his mom soothed him and told him he's not the things Gabe calls him. how Gabe would hurt him and Sally would be there to make him happy and loved but at the same time she stayed with him. i want Percy's feelings explored about how he knows his mother loves him but her absence still hurt him. she would work so much to have money to raise him she did that for him but at the same time it meant Percy was left alone or with Gabe. Sally gave up so much for him, she sent him away to protect him but at the same time he was sent away from his mom. she's the only parent he has because his father is absent and Gabe is not actually a parental figure at all but she's also often absent in his life too and that must have left him with such mixed feelings because it's not all black and white! Sally's love protected him but also hurt him. Percy loves his mom so so so much but there's also this deep-seated bitterness and hurt and anger he never let himself feel and then the guilt for having those feelings because his mom loves him he knows that and she gave up so much for him and she married a monster that abused her to protect him, he knows that but it doesn't make it hurt any less. the mess his emotions are because he knows his mom suffered for him and did it from her love for him but he still desperately wishes she never married that monster that he wouldn't have to have the childhood he had with him that he wouldn't have to live with the trauma he was left with. this all is exactly what makes their relationship so fascinating and also heartbreaking.

or the idea of Percy having weird mixed feelings after Estelle is born because that's his little sister and he loves her with his whole heart and would do anything for her and wants only the best for her but there's also this little jealous monster deep down that wonders why she gets to have a loving mom and a loving dad and a happy normal life but he never got that. why does she deserve it but not him? why couldn't he have that too? doesn't he deserve that too? he was just a child too so why why why??? and then the guilt of feeling that way too it makes me want to scream. emotions are fucking messy and they can be really ugly and they can make you hate yourself and there's no way Percy's feelings aren't a mess when it comes to this and i want to see it explored so badly!

and with Sally too! her feelings about Percy because she did so much and tried her best but sometimes unfortunately your best isn't good enough and it still got her beloved son hurt and she hates it and feels so guilty but she just has to live with that but she can't help to wish it was different. that their lives would be different. better. normal. she can't help but to wish she didn't have to do the things she's done, didn't have to suffer so much just to protect her child. can't help to wish she didn't have to worry so much, didn't have to be so scared about Percy, didn't have to be terrified that one day he won't come back home to her, that she won't be able to hold her son anymore because he will be gone, she just wishes he didn't have to suffer so much, she just wishes and wishes and wishes

and i just wish people weren't so afraid to explore this because it's so heartwrenching and yes if you want something do it yourself but unfortunately i cannot write nor am i able to handle this topic in a way it deserves so i am left only with rambling about it on here thank you

#i am not trying to victim blame or anything i love Sally and she did her best and didn't deserve any of the crap life gave her #but there's just something so tragic about the fact that she married a vile man and suffered abuse to protect her son #just for her decision to hurt him anyways just in a different way but the only other option would probably be Percy ending up dead #so she can't really truly regret it but she just wishes those weren't their only options #that she didn't have to do this just so that her child could stay alive #thinking about it makes me go feral #they had no choice but to suffer there was no way for their lives to be without this much hurt and trauma and it's terrible #and they didn't deserve it but there was so much love too #but the horrible thing is that that love just wasn't enough to save them from all that pain and i need to be sedated bye #percy jackson #sally jackson #pjo #hoo #percy and sally #percy jackon and the olympians #whatever you do don't think about a six years old lonely Percy sitting in a corner waiting for his mom to come back home from work #and he knows she loves him but he misses her so much when she spends so much time in work and that hurts #don't think about a ten years old Percy being sent away to a boarding school and he knows his mom loves him #but what if she's sending him away because he's just too much? or not enough? and what if she doesn't want him anymore?#and he knows that's not true but what if?#i'm thinking it #okay i think that's enough

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ganondoodle · 11 months

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im kinda glad i was a tiny child when windwaker came out and i only played it years later without having internet access for the longest time bc i would have NOT survived the hatred i know ww got when it first came out bc it wasnt what most people expected (ww is my fav zelda)

loving botw but not liking totk and seeing the vast majority praise the latter like its the holy grail while alot also discrediting and needlessly hating on botw for it is already making it hard to stay calm about :U

#ganondoodles talks #special interest go brrrr #sucks when you care so much about a piece of media thats out of your control and it does something you hate #i do not control the hyperfixation #it wouldnt be so bad if people wouldnt keep hating on botw just to praise totk more tbh #and before people say but arent YOU doing the same thing in reverse???#welll ... its suppposedly a sequel yes?#direct sequels should build on the first title and totk does the opposite doesnt it?#again one of my biggest problems is that it was advertised and called a direct sequel qhen it really isnt #like at all #how some characters also made a weird turn in their personality it really does feel like it did a majoras mask thing without admitting to i #like majoras is GOOD #it was weird and kinda nonsensical but ultimately worked #can you imagine if totk just went with the whole other dimension thing properly and really went ham with it-#.... i am coming up with even more ideas for totk rewritten arent it..#anyway i dont think im gonna get a collectors edition ever again given the risk of me not liking what its for #regret spending that kind of money on it after i calmed down my fears and in the end they turned out to be mostly right #;__;

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kylermalloy · 5 days

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Attack on Titan is a layered, multifaceted story that deals with many, many ideas—prejudice, propaganda, power, love, truth…I could go on. But more than anything, it’s about war. Attack on Titan is a war story. In that sense, it’s no surprise at the number of scenes that utilize fight, either as a concept, action, or just the word itself. It’s a story about fighting.

Or is it?

(It is. But it’s not about the fight. I’ll get there.)

The pivotal moment of the story occurs in season 3, when our characters go from fighting a war they don’t understand to fighting a war they do. The war itself hasn’t changed, nor the world, but now they know what they’re up against. But I’m not here to talk about that pivot—I’m here to talk about the narrative choice that was made a few episodes before that, and the thematic importance of that choice.

I’m here to talk about Midnight Sun.

The choice between Armin and Erwin has long since been a topic of debate amongst AOT fans. Whether it was the right choice, how happy or unhappy it made viewers, why exactly the choice was made, and so on and so forth. I’ve always found it to be a very simple yet effective piece of storytelling—one that walks a very fine line of displaying a core story theme and honoring the characters involved.

Interestingly, Levi, who’s historically a follower and not a leader, is the one to make this very important narrative choice. It was carefully designed, too—everything he’s witnessed so far in this season has led to this moment, and this very important decision he’ll make.

Now of course, as with everything, there’s a Watsonian and a Doylist reason for this decision to bring Armin back and not Erwin. Levi’s role in the choice is primarily a Watsonian one—he was one of the closest characters to Erwin, and he was the one to see Erwin struggle in his last moments before the charge.

Levi outright tells us his thought process after he makes the choice. After Erwin had let go of his dream, his struggle, which was as much a burden to him as a drive to continue forward, Levi thought it cruel to being him back into the world just because humanity needed a devil. It’s a human decision, and Levi made it for someone he cared deeply for.

But from a Doylist perspective, there’s a thematic reason as to why Armin was chosen and not Erwin. Obviously Levi, as a character in the story, is not thinking of what Erwin’s and Armin’s respective dreams are narratively representative of. Levi, in making his choice, didn’t so much as pick Armin as he didn’t pick Erwin. He was letting Erwin go, and he wasn’t thinking about what that would do to the story.

But I am!

Levi has been witness to both Erwin’s and Armin’s dreams, and he’s smart enough to place those dreams within the context of the war they’re fighting.

He asked Erwin explicitly what he would do when his dream was fulfilled—once they got to the basement in Shiganshina and learned the truth of the world. Erwin said he didn’t know.

Conversely, when Armin talked with his friends about after the war, he spoke of the sea. Of exploration beyond the walls, of seeing the wonders he’d only been able to read about. Unlike Erwin, he knew exactly what he would do when the fighting ended.

Now, does this mean to imply Erwin would’ve been useless after reaching the basement? Of course not. Had he survived, he would have continued to lead. But thematically, his purpose in the narrative was to drive the fight forward at any cost. We see this over and over—from the first expedition outside Wall Rose to his last charge against the Beast Titan. That’s what he represents, and that’s what his dream led to.

Armin’s dream, though, extends beyond the fight. He only cares about winning the war in that it will allow him the chance to explore and experience the wonders of the world.

Choosing Armin over Erwin, thematically, represents AOT’s fundamental view on war and fighting. The drive to win is not nearly as important as hope for the future. For after the fight is over.

Armin has always found solace and hope in things other than the war that has defined his and his friends’ lives. He dreams of the ocean. He worships his friends. He lives, as he tells Zeke in the final final final season, for the small moments with them. “Maybe I was born to race Eren and Mikasa up that hill.” That would be enough for him, even without his grand dream of the sea.

I genuinely think this choice is the closest thing AOT has to a thesis statement. This story shows us a plethora of messy situations to which there is no clear-cut solution. It displays a huge range of perspectives and philosophies without telling us what is good and what is bad. (Although it does, very specifically, tell us that genocide is bad, Eren!)

This choice in Midnight Sun, though, is more than a choice between two characters for survival. It speaks to what is most valuable in a world that seems to always be trying to kill you.

What good is winning the war if you don’t have something to hope for beyond that?

In other words, there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it’s worth fighting for.

#attack on titan #shingeki no kyojin #armin arlert #erwin smith #aot #snk #mymeta #kylerrambles #midnight sun my beloved #and i could write a whole other essay on levi’s specific and messy relationship with erwin #but this was the particular thing gnawing on my shoe currently #i think this is somewhat echoed in eren’s final choice #what good is the outside world if you’ve trampled it all? you have to look beyond that!#not to mention this theme is communicated without vilifying either erwin or armin #something which fandom has never been able to do when discussing this particular story beat :P #erwin gets a very dignified though tragic death #and the only one who hates armin surviving (besides floch who is. the worst.) is HIMSELF #take notes fandom!#and it’s explicitly echoed in levi’s final monologue in the final season #he does not regret choosing the kid with that bright spark in his eyes #because as well as erwin fit into the cruel world of aot he needed to be released from it #armin will make the cruel world listen. he will make it BETTER.

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witheredbouquet · 6 months

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drawn for the dragonyule gift exchange on twt, so glad that i could join this year! thank you for hosting, saint starfall ♥

i hope that everyone has a wonderful dragonyule & a happy new year!

#dragalia lost #dragalia lost fanart #fanart #dragonyule gift exchange #my art #if you saw this already no you didn't LOL #sorry i don't post/use tumblr much and i messed up orz #my recipient was ritte! i dunno their socials or anything so i can't tag/link em - but i hope they it c:#food is based on stamina consumables in dragalia lost! chibi beast volk is based off his dragalia mini comic appearance!#anyway. been a while since i've taken the time to “finish” up a piece (and well. have the time to draw at all) so i'm glad i could do this!#i think i'm proud of the final result even though i still have lotsa room for improvement #(desperately trying not to nitpick things and ultimately regret posting this urghghghhhng)#one of the first times i've drawn food! i feel okay with the result hehe #learned that there's a more active DL community on tw*tter for fanart and stuff and i've never been more tempted to join shjdakfasa #plus so many zines are twitter only and i can't see most of the posts without an account #but yeah no thanks just tumblr is overwhelming enough LOL #anyway happy dragonyule/happy holidays to anyone reading this! we've made it through another year—i couldn't be more proud of us!

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designernishiki · 11 months

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after the intensity of kiryu’s response to the news that majima was (supposedly) killed and the lengths he went to to find who’s responsible and do god knows what to them and all that– it’s fucking wild that there was no kazumaji reunion at ALL at the end of y5 like are you kidding me. all of that rage and grief? and their relationship is brushed off like it doesn’t even exist more or less?? cruel cruel cruel

#rambling #y5 #yakuza 5 spoilers #kazumaji #do I have to fuckin. write something in MYSELF #becuase I have IDEAS #I keep thinking about this one scene in the last episode of torchwood season 1 where jack is ‘dead’ for like a few weeks and when he #miraculously comes back one of the first things he does is walk up to ianto and kiss him. because hes had a brush with death and realizes #the regret he felt for almost dying without expressing his true feelings for him and all that #something akin to that. just. kiryu’s first response upon seeing majima alive is to walk toward him with intent gradually picking up speed #as if he’s about to attack him. and without saying anything just. kissing him.#will think about this more when I wake up cause I am falling asleep now

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thotsfortherapy · 3 months

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having mommy issues be like I hate that you know me I hate that we’re related I hate that you birthed me I hate that you don’t know how to love me properly I hate that you can’t see how much you hurt me I hate that I’m expected to love you

#cy says stuff #I moved out when I was 17 for a reason #but I do still go back to visit when schools out sometimes and I regret it every single time #every time we talk I’m like damn is it time to call it quits because this is not it #I literally feel like I’m constantly on the brink of being disowned or kicked out of the house when I’m there #but it’s also for things like. bringing a single bottle of wine to a Christmas party that I did not even drink #or like. moving in with my partner of 4 years. because we are going to the 2nd most expensive city in Canada and girl I cannot pay the rent #or being upset when she reads my diary ?? or reads my credit card statements without permission and also just like behind my back??#like do you think I’m not going to find out when you bring up information you only would’ve known if you had read those things #I can put two and two together…#also I’m literally almost done my university degree. i am fully an adult. these should not be issues !#ahhhhh!!!#anyways I will speak to my therapist about this lol #also y’all my friends are always like oh I love my mom and it just seems to be a socially accepted thing that you should love your mom #but what if your mom sucks what then #I genuinely cannot relate to them I’m like literally what does that feel like #the first time I felt loved was when I was 15 lol there is 0 love in my family #anyways !#it’s okay I am out of it and I have been out of it #just #always on the brink of cutting her off forever lol #some ppl just never change as much as you want them to and that is tough to accept.#it is also harder because society is telling my that I need to stay loyal to my family cause they’re blood #but if this were anyone else I would’ve blocked them so long ago 😭

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camgoloud · 2 months

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you ever just. become overwhelmed by a sudden out-of-nowhere wave of tenderness and affection and longing for reconnection directed towards someone to whom you no longer speak for Very Good Reasons

#‘out of nowhere’ she says like she hasn’t been doing a lot of reading/thinking recently about various tragic messy breakups #and the later regrets of the parties involved #anyway. tell me not to text her #it’s been over two years since the last time we talked… absolutely no reason to break that streak now. lord give me strength #she was really fucking mean to me! like objectively intentionally unwarrantedly cruel! it ruined an entire year of my life #and fundamentally changed me as a person on a deep level! there’s a lot of things i used to like about myself that i don’t think i’m ever #going to get back #and yet every once in a while we have to do the whole ‘maybe i could make things right’ song and dance 😔#the thing is most of the time i’m not even really angry with her anymore like enough time has passed since all the shit went down that #really i just sort of look at her behavior and feel sad. both because of the impact on me but also because of the ‘that’s really how you #felt you needed to act towards someone who cared about you? you couldn’t have just expressed your feelings in an honest and productive way #instead of just lashing out in the cruelest possible way and ruining the entire relationship beyond hope of repair?’#and i feel bad and sorry that it went that way and honestly i kind of pity her and hope she’s gotten some of her shit worked out #so i’m not like. actively pissed off at her anymore. but also i can’t think about her without thinking about the worst year of my life so 🙃#i don’t actually feel that trying to reopen that door would be very healthy for me at least #we did try a Reconciliation of sorts a couple of months after the initial falling-out and while it was kind of helpful for me in that she #like. apologized lmao. and affirmed that i wasn’t crazy and she did in fact On Purpose say the most hurtful things she possibly could have #said to me given the information she had at her disposal. and that i really had not done anything to her that could warrant that. etc.#it also left a sour enough taste in my mouth that i just don’t see a future where the two of us spending time together is enjoyable for me #and yet… the regret will always live inside me i think. maybe if i were a stronger person…#caseyposting

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atthebell · 2 months

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if you're wondering how ridiculous and detailed my qcellbit lore doc is this is just a tiny section ^^ i keep detailed notes on every day cellbit logged on and everything remotely important that happened yes it is way too much but i have problems in my brain

#bell.txt #may 17th esp so much shit happened the night before so im like taking down DETAILED notes about dappers death #and all the stuff with luzus computer (moments of all time frfr)#and aside from lore stuff im also taking down exactly how the arg stuff works bc the only record of a lot of it #is cellbit's vods and also its so cool and interesting i want to make sure i do it justice #like people archived some of the site stuff but not all of it #i went through desperately archiving tweets the other day like oh my gd i need to have these still #also this doesnt even factor in how much overall server lore info is just like in my brain and i'll have to remember to note stuff down #and track sources whenever i think of those events/enigmas/etc.#like luckily i have an insane memory for stuff like this #the other day i listed off an insane amount of regret stuff without fact checking and got nervous and looked into it all #and i had every single detail correct i felt way too powerful #anyway. a glimpse into my mind

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eff-plays · 2 months

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Not exactly a dadstarion truther either (mostly bc it took me a while to actually warm up to the idea and also hes NEVER having kids with my durge, only my tav (can you imagine this man parenting a Bhaalspawn? A dhampir Bhaalspawn?? Nonono.)) But I do find something a little compelling about the thought of this man who a) has had absolutely nothing of his own for as long as he can remember and b) sees himself as worthless and irreparably fucked up creating this tiny new person? Like, they're part of him, he made this precious little creature (with the person he already loves most)? This soft and innocent thing? (Which he would waffle awfully between wanting to keep innocent for as long as possible but also making sure they know about life's horrors so they can avoid them) Like sure the baby version is annoyingly loud and can't do anything and also gross and smells but he can teach the toddler to bite people. He is the absolute worst enabler, spoils the kid rotten. Teaches them to steal and pick locks and just lets them get away with murder. Parent #2 has to do all the actual parenting part cuz damn he's not doing the discipline thing at all.

Also the vain part of him likes looking at his kid and sort of seeing some of his face in them, since he can't use an actual mirror.

Well he'd be cured by the time he has the kid or soon after in my canon, so that last part wouldn't apply for me.

And yeah, when I say that I'm not a dadstarion truther I don't mean that I don't see it happening ever, but more that to me, that first step in itself is the one that I see as least likely.

Because I can accept that he would learn to love the kid, that he would care about it and spoil it. I can also accept (and would gladly explore) him having a complicated relationship with the kid, either early on in a postpartum depression sort of way, or further down the line in a "I can't find common ground with my teen/young adult" sort of way (or both lbr).

The problem, to me, is that I don't see Astarion going "let's have a kid!" I don't see him genuinely wanting one, and I don't see him finding any reason to lie about wanting one, and I don't see Hira believing any of those lies even if he does try. It's really the initial hurdle. The rest I'm happy to make as dysfunctional and weird as it would realistically be when a guy who shouldn't be a dad becomes a dad. One of the reasons I came up with Critter is because I find it compelling how much Astarion is not a dad guy, and how that would fuck up a person like Critter. That's juicy stuff. And also a way for me to work out my own daddy issues I guess lmao.

But getting that started? Actually inventing a reason for how Astarion would even agree to it? That's where I struggle. And that's why I'm torn. Cuz I do want to stay true to my own interpretation of a character, while also wanting to create a new character and put them both (and also Hira) in situations.

Like I'm happy for all the dadstarion peeps who have cool dhampir girlies running around on adventures and I'd love to join them, but I also think that if I were true to Astarion's characterization, that kid would have issues. Like maybe a lot of them.

#bg3 #i'm not in it for the squee of omg cute baby!!#i do not care about babies or kids in general it's not why i'm here #i have no parental instincts and do not personally plan to ever reproduce #nor am i in it for the nuclear faerûnian family fantasy #i'm in it for the 'my traumatized parents love me but couldn't help but traumatize me in small ways just by being themselves'#'cuz parents are also people and maybe they regret having me and maybe i made their lives worse'#'but they also can't imagine it without me because i'm part of them and they're part of me'#ya feel me???#like yeah i imagine most of the kid's life is excellent and both parents love them v much #but having astarion as a parent would defo do things to your brain that maybe shouldn't be done #hira would be passable if paired with a normal person but they wouldn't tolerate anything but complete devotion to their child #(which astarion fundamentally can't provide imo)#which is also bad cuz bby ur shutting down all communication and compromise and making asty feel like shit #like it would be very dysfunctional for a long while until the kid was like older toddler-age maybe #until the point where astarion would realize there's a person in there and not just a weird crying shitting bag of meat that his partner #inexplicably values over him #once that realization hits him i think he'd do way better #but until then he's fucked

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