#i don’t think u guys understand how harrowing this is. for ME

[malinaa]

CATCHING FIRE, CHAPTER 17

[quirofiliac]

anonymous asked: What would you consider to be one of the most challenging aspects when it comes to writing your muse?

anonymous ​／ unprompted ／ always accepting.

hewwo anon!! i’m trying to remember what i said previously because i think i’ve talked about this before via an ooc post or something of the like! it’d be kind of sort of a bummer of me (and for u, mwah.) if i just repeated the same thing :~)

i also apologize because i might get a little wordy andor unfairly critical of Certain Things i noticed. we’ll just say it’s because i’m old and bitter ADKFKMGKMF

if i can recall correctly....... i can’t seem to remember, ironically, talking about The Hand Thing™️ which is, in another world, honestly quite impressive LMAO but tbh, it’s under that whole pretense of, like, writing a serial killer with his own, individual modus operandi and the like. i struggle, sometimes, with the outside perception people have in regards to him-- they understand and recognize that he kills, at least partially, for sake of claiming a person’s (usually a woman’s because, yeehaw weird complexes about women let’s gooOOOO!!!) hands but, also, completely sideline the potential that he’s, subconsciously maybe, using the hands as an excuse to kill?

i guess what i’m trying to say is that, yeah kira’s a murderer that also likes hands but he’s also... not... just that? yeah, basically that.

because it’s this whole thing, again, of boiling a character down to their bare essentials and yet, somehow, still managing to even miss that? somehow?? it’s weird because, obviously, kira’s not the only character this happens to. genuinely, it happens to just about every single fictional character you see under the sun, which is... y’know. annoying. FKGKMFGKFJGN because it, honestly, makes whoever is writing that character out of a genuine love (no matter how you define “love” as.) andor intrigue for that particular muse’s experience all the more harrowing and unenjoyable.

for me, i’ve noticed that whenever this sort of thing happens, a lot of the times the person it’s happening to feels like... almost caged in? like they have no choice but to lean into this exaggerated idea about their muse in order to actually receive any sort of feedback. and then it goes into this whole other thing of, “well, i feel like i’ve lost sight of why i actually wanted to write this character and--” blahblahblah. it’s just kind of uncomfortable to see someone get bombarded by That One Thing™️ their character is known for when, by perchance, they want to explore other aspects too-- at least, in my experience, anyway.

i don’t mind writing out kira’s cheirophilia, genuinely! it’s part of why i write the guy (because i love writing genuine freaks and weirdos and creeps and all of that smooth jazz.) but it’s also not the only reason i wanna write him. i love character types like kira because they’re always so fascinating, in my opinion, because it’s this mixture of black comedy (his attempts at living a normal life even though, dude, you’re a serial killer.) and sheer, utter horror (he worms himself into society almost perfectly and can claim victims so easily, so effortlessly.) that really gets me good. if i were to be frank, that is sincerely one of my favorite aesthetics, so i’d like to be able to explore that admiration through writing and the like!

there’d be no point, imho, for me to write him if all i wanted to do was write him lusting over people’s hands nonstop with zero substance otherwise. the idea of that lowkey bores me and, in a way, also burns me out. it also doesn’t help that a handful of people have tried using his cheirophilia as a means of forceshipping with me like, uhhh..... hello? hi, yes, i’m the writer aka a person with sentience and boundaries and feelings that totally doesn’t feel weirded out that you’re only using my muse for land development a ship. like, damn dude, at least take me out to dinner first or something like,, gosh LMAODKMGMKFKM

so, maybe, this also applies itself in the sense that i want to be able to incorporate his cheirophilia while also not just making that his sole character trait? i want to explore his anxiety, his upbringing, his opinions (no matter how invalid some of them are. </3), his dynamics with others, and... well, his overall duality in regards to society as a whole. i like the idea of a guy that seems to be a downright snooze fest (and maybe, also, a goddamned nightmare because of it.) to interact with that, as you dig deeper and deeper, it’s gradually revealed that, oh boy, uh... haha!

he has this weird fascination with hands, and it’s mostly women’s hands, too. a little weird but, hey. don’t knock it til you try it or whatever. as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone then it’s okay-- oh, wait, it actually does hurt people? oh, and you’re also saying that he hurts people because of it? oh. ... oh, wow. huh! well, that’s some rather unfortunate information!

and then you just keep going and going, falling down this rabbit hole of “oh my good god, he’s a freak and not in the good way” which is just so... ngl, to me it’s genuinely fucking hilarious yet, also, incredibly unsettling. it’s that whole “hiding in plain sight” trope that, honestly, can be so cliché yet... when done well? mwah. chef’s fuckin’ kiss right there.

that kind of stuff is fun for me to write. i love writing and i love role-playing-- it’s just an awesome way, hand to god, to bond with people who share the same passion. i love being able to explore those sorts of things (and more.) with people that are also curious about the exploration. i adore the journey and i loooove seeing what other people can come up with. it doesn’t help that i’m naturally a nosy person but, man, y’all can come up with such good shit. deadass. i adore it AKKMFFMKKMDKMD bc ugh 😩 ur minds...................

but, it’s also just kind of like... ough when i’m interacting with someone and i happen to bring up that character’s Very Specific Quirk and im just kinda grimacing to myself because i do not want it to be taken at such face value. keep in mind, this has heavy determinant in vibes and, obviously, intent from the other side and i’ve come to terms with the fact that i’ll just drop those threads like a hot potato if i’m noticing anything that seems generally... y’know, off andor uncomfortable. also i’m genuinely begging people to stop trying to have kira thirst over hands that belong to minors. it’s weird. i hate it. don’t do that. thank yew.

so uhhhhhh, i’m gonna have to say that, yeah, it’s more-so trying to establish that i’m not trying to erase One Of The Core Characteristics of kira but, also, i don’t want that to be all that he’s known for! and, at that point, all i can kinda hope for is that i’m not doing that. because i’d lowkey hate to live enough to become the villain (derogatory.) and so on, so forth... blahblahblah another nolanverse quote here because i love aging myself and making everyone around me realize that i’m nearing my 30s at light fuckin speed LMFAO

BUT-- thank u for the question!! i appreciate these sorts of questions (and asks in general!) because they always get Ye Olde Creative Juices flowin’ <3 i hope u find a... HMMMM... handful of fifty dollar bills on the ground on ur next walk around the neighborhood!! thank u again mwah 💖💖💖

[burningdarkfire]

books i read in july 2022

[these are all short + casual reviews - feel free to msg me and ask about individual ones if u want a full review or ask for my goodreads!!] 

not gonna lie rereading gideon & harrow put me into a reading slump because simply nothing else could live up!! we are deep in august and i am STILL thinking about them 🤠

comfort me with apples - catherynne m. valente ★★★★☆ (horror)

this is just a short novella so it’s kind of hard to talk about without spoilers but i do think that valente is my fave author in the fairytale/storybook style and this was no exception! an interesting little mash-up of ideas that was right up my alley personally

harrow the ninth - tamsyn muir ★★★★★ (scifi)

the gideon reread was mostly fun for me but the harrow reread destroyed my soul 💀 it’s so different reading it and actually understanding it and i just literally have not stopped thinking about it. i can’t recommend enough just reading it again if you didn’t “get” it the first time!!

more than this - patrick ness ★★★★☆ (YA scifi)

patrick ness has got to be one of my fave YA authors. very classic YA emotional core, which is very nice to read sometimes when it’s pulled off well (as this was). slow at times but the scifi concepts really push you to think, and i love how he never gives us easy answers

the angel of the crows - katherine addison ★★★★☆ (historical fantasy mystery)

this is literally published sherlock wingfic. the added supernatural elements are interesting but not the focus, so it really is about reliving the ACD sherlock mysteries - extremely fun for me but i suspect this is not a book for everyone. this “watson” was interesting as both a standalone and an adaptation

the deeper the water the uglier the fish - katya apekina ★★★★☆ (contemporary)

i don’t want to be the guy in my friend group who’s always the only person excited by the fucked up contemporary litfic but like .. yeah this is that and i liked it 🤷‍♂️ fucked up families where you get multiple POVs and learn how their shared family history leads to their individual personal struggles are my jam

the mysterious study of doctor sex & as yet unsent - tamsyn muir ★★★★☆ (scifi)

read (dr sex) and reread (ays) of the two locked tomb short stories. i liked as yet unsent quite a lot more but I’d never complain about more sixth house

delilah green doesn’t care - ashley herring blake ★★★★☆ (romance)

the romance was fine for me but this book does have a very uptight perfectionist bitchy side character whose name is astrid and i LOVED her. i am actually excited to read the second book in a romance series because she is the protag for the next one!!

a master of djinn - p. djèlí clark ★★★☆☆ (historical fantasy)

a book that was truly The Most 3 stars. so completely fine that i kind of wish i’d DNF’d it. the actual plot/mystery was poorly constructed but the world-building was beautiful and generally made up for it

night sky with exit wounds - ocean vuong ★★★☆☆ (poetry)

ehh, i just didn’t connect much with this one personally. some good wordplay and i highlighted a few lines but it was just alright

the vegetarian - han kang ★★★☆☆ (horror)

this book was so hard for me to a) finish and b) meaningfully review. there are three segments that are pretty distinct from each other and i found the first two brutally miserable to read for different reasons, but the book definitely does cohere, so i’m sure other people would get a lot from it

the flatshare - beth o’leary ★★★☆☆ (romance)

i’m a bad romance reader and i’m sorry to all of my friends who thought this was the cutest shit ever. the female main character had no genuine personality traits and the male main character didn’t grow a single bit and i have no clue why they even like each other beyond each of them being an upgrade from their exes. but i do see the concept and understand why romance likers would have fun with this book. it’s just not me tho!

wider than the sky - katherine field Rothschild ★★☆☆☆ (contemporary)

the blurb lured me in with promises that it was about an adult polyam relationship and how that relationship changed the family but instead i just read a terrible YA contemporary with a super unlikable main character who was just dealing with “normal” high school shit the entire time and for some reason even though her dad was polyamorous i still had to deal with an awfully written love triangle

unprecedented: canada’s top ceos on leadership during covid-19 ★★★☆☆ (non-fiction)

i got this book for work and read a couple of sections before donating it. mostly it was just similar to internal messaging but it was more political than i was expecting at points. ehhh

[fairycosmos]

I've been stalking an artist on here at her university for about 4 days now. I know her routines, her friends, where she lives, ect. Why does everyone who hurt me get a better life than me? Why am I expendable in every scenario? All I wanted was a fucking friend. Nobody cares and everyone ignores me - hence why I can say and do all of this! Keep updated on the news.

hey dude, i have to discourage this and it worries me to read. hope you can set aside ur anger for a moment to hear me out. i don't think it's healthy for anyone involved. and i know you prob dont give a shit about that rn, but it's honestly not productive. i completely understand ur hurt and i think the emotion itself is so justified - i seethe every day over seeing the shittiest ppl thrive. i do get that. and it's not fair that you've been alienated and mistreated either, which is another experience i'm super familiar with. i think it's common for ppl who've always had friends to not be able to truly comprehend the damage it causes. it's so painful. i'm sorry you've been put through it, sincerely. it's relentless and harrowing, and it feels like it takes years to get over. a lifetime even. i hope it doesn't sound like i'm undermining that. but idk what following this girl around will achieve and i hope you will consider stopping. it won't tangibly solve anything and it’s not rational. it's better to focus on your own life, on things you can actively change. if nothing else, it's truly not worth the energy. if they're not giving you the time of day, then that's on them, and you don't have to waste a moment on them either. you're not expendable. your worth is not dictated by assholes, or by people who don't see you. much easier to say than believe, i know but. honestly social situations are just really fucking hard to navigate and so is making true connections as an adult + finding friends. it's not because you're cursed to be lonely for life, or because you're going to be stuck under these circumstances forever. not if you don’t back yourself into a corner by holding onto the toxicity of the whole thing, and getting lost in it. hope you can try to work on letting this go and finding a healthier outlet + someone to talk to (literally anyone, a hotline, a family member/professional etC) even if it's a process. if she's mean, you're not missing out by not having her in your life anyway. take care.

*i’d like to ask that (not from a place of anger at all, just concern) that ppl don’t send me messages of this specific nature in the future. i’m extremely limited as to what i can say or do about it, i’m not equipped at all. it’s really stressful to read and to not be able to help in any actual way due to my position as a stranger online + the anonymity + not knowing the possible seriousness of the situation OR the amount of actual truthfulness behind it (just bc of how the internet can be sometimes.) just want to set that boundary rn, thank u guys.

[thunderon]

O knowledgeable one, as someone who isn't Christian and is not at all interested in God and has zero understanding of biblical references why is the name Wake significant?

*looks around* who, ME??? i don't know about "knowledgeable" but i do have fifteen years of bible school under my belt and dated a catholic girl for like 3 years so i'll give it a go. im hardly the first person to do analysis on wake's name, but i have yet to see someone specifically talk about “wake” and “the sleeper” and all the biblical implications behind it so i guess i'll do it. i personally made a few extraneous connections that i haven’t seen examined anywhere so im going to hit on those right now. this isn’t so much a theory post as it is filling you in on some background of specifically the biblical significance of wake’s name.

buckle up anon because you are about to see the result of what happens when you ask a lesbian who was put through 15 years of church about the Bible.

  first things first. 

as it’s been previously pointed out: Awake These Valiant Dead is a Shakespeare reference from Henry V, but that’s only one line. i think people are missing the biblical reference from Henry V.you can read the full page here if you are so inclined (x)

but before line 138, where Wake's name is from, we get this excerpt starting on line 121:

“For in the Book of Numbers is it writ:

“When the man dies, let the inheritance

Descend unto the daughter.” 

Gracious lord,

Stand for your own, unwind your bloody flag,

Look back into your mighty ancestors.

Go, my dread lord, to your great-grandsire’s tomb”

this has some major implications, so let's unpack it.

as a non-christian, you are probably asking: what is up with the Book of Numbers and why do you think it's important?

basically, the Israelites were held as slaves in Egypt and were liberated by this guy named Moses.  Moses is tasked with taking the Israelites to the Promised Land (which is basically a paradise where God said the Israelites can go and live). the book of numbers is recounting this journey to the Promise Land. in the bible, the Israelites find the Promised Land, which is called Canaan (hmmm where have we heard that name before?).  the Israelites send 12 spies to scout the land and the spies come back and report that it’s “overflowing with milk and honey” (i bet you’ve probably heard that phrase) but there’s also these giants living there. the Israelites get too scared to take the land, which pisses off God and he goes “fine. y’all can die in the wilderness then. this land will be for your next generation since u guys wanna pussy out”. okay that’s not verbatim but it’s the gist. the book of numbers eventually ends with the Israelites needing the cross the Jordan River and the Promised Land is left for the next generation to inherit. obviously muir draws on these aspects from canaan house and the river in her books. now back to the quote  i pulled from Henry V and Wake's name:

“For in the Book of Numbers is it writ:

“When the man dies, let the inheritance Descend unto the daughter.”

this i think the daughter is referencing gideon (the daughter of both God and Wake). as to what exactly her “inheritance” is... i think we’ll have to see. but the closing line:

“Go, my dread lord, to your great-grandsire’s tomb”

well, all im saying is that tombs have kinda been a bit of a big deal with these books.

side detour (im going somewhere with this so bear with me)the book of Numbers immediately followed by the book of Deuteronomy. now why is that relevant? Deuteronomy and my gal, Judith Deuteros.

The book of Deuteronomy is basically a shit ton of laws for Christians. which Judith is the exact personification of. she literally spends all of her appearances in gideon the ninth arguing for order, the following of Imperial Law, etc etc. now in the book of Dueteronomy, an interesting order is given. starting in Deuteronomy 12:29, the worship of Canaanite gods is forbidden and the order is given to destroy their altars and to execute the Canaanites living in Canaan. this parallels Judith in Canaan House killing teacher and wrecking the place. i think Muir foreshadows that Judith will play a pivotal role in AtN. in the bible, there is actually a woman named judith, who i think is the namesake of our judith. the actual Biblical Judith  kills an invading commander via beheading him. originally i assumed this was meant to be Teacher, but from Judith’s defiance of BoE in AtN, im not so sure. and at the end of AtN, Marta says “she’ll give them hell” which i think really means something. but i could go on about that but i’ll stop here.

now back to your original question about wake. an interesting additional name for wake that i think carries additional implications is when ortus dubs her “the sleeper”. biblically, the relevant quote is Ephesians 5:14:

“Awake, sleeper,

And arise from the dead.”

this is just so in your face ya know? commander awake, the sleeper, rising from the dead. im sure you get where im going with that. now. with that being said i’ll talk a little about the non-biblical stuff. i was a massive Edgar Allen Poe fan growing up and so i immediately picked up on Muir's references to Annabel Lee, The Sleeper, etc in HtN. the closing lines from The Sleeper are as follows:

“Some sepulchre, remote, alone,

 Against whose portals she hath thrown, 

In childhood, many an idle stone— 

Some tomb from out whose sounding door 

She ne’er shall force an echo more, 

Thrilling to think, poor child of sin!

 It was the dead who groaned within.”

now. that is the second quote about wake that references a tomb and now we have the mention of a sepulchre. THAT has some motherfucking implications. especially because in the poem “Annabel Lee” she's famously said of having a “sepulchre by the sea”. John refers to Alecto as Annabel Lee and harrow describes the tomb on the ninth as follows

“Beyond the doors there’s just the rock,” she said. “The rock and the tomb surrounded by water...The water’s salt, and it’s deep, and it moves with a tide that shouldn’t exist. The sepulchre itself is small, and the tomb...”

again. IMPLICATIONS. i know there’s also the argument that this is all a decoy and Anastasia is the body on the first etc etc. i still don’t know what to think. these are just all pieces of a puzzle ive been holding onto and think are neat so im sharing them with you. i know this is just a hot mess of everything but that’s how i operate sorry. feel free to ask more questions and i would LOVE to answer anything for you :)

[myriadimagines]

Off Limits

Star Wars (Rogue One) One Shot

Pairing: Reader x Cassian Andor

Other Characters: Bodhi Rook, Baze Malbus, Jyn Erso, Chirrut Imwe,  K-2SO

Warnings: —

Summary: You and your husband, Cassian, maintain a very professional relationship in front of your team. So professional, in fact, poor Bodhi, who has a crush on you, doesn’t even realise the two of you are married.

Original: Sorry Bodhi, She’s Off Limits

Word Count: 2,196

A/N: ALRIGHT LETS GO IT’S THE REWRITE SERIES!!! for those of u who missed my little rant, i’m basically just going back and rewriting all my one shots bc i hate them!!! and hopefully if i rewrite them i’ll hate them a little less!!!! anyway this was one of the first pieces i wrote when i started this blog, and then it kinda blew up and i got a lot of followers/rogue one requests so honestly? this piece started it all. enjoy. 

reblog/feedback/comments are very much appreciated!!!

“You guys should’ve seen it,” Bodhi gushes, and he gestures excitedly with his hands, waving them through the air as he mimics Imperial ships, complete with his own sound effects to fully retell the story. Baze barely looks up from where he’s sitting, polishing his gun while Jyn leans back in her chair, kicking her feet up onto the table as an amused smile dances across her lips. She hums in agreement every now and then, making faces of exaggerated shock whenever Bodhi looks in her direction, more entertained by Bodhi’s enthusiasm than his actual story. Chirrut sits with them, nodding along with a bright smile on his face, eagerly listening to the young pilot’s excited ramblings, and Bodhi continues, “They were right on my tail, TIE fighters were swarming in—”

The crew looks up as the door slides open with a soft mechanic whoosh, and Bodhi practically chokes on his own words as he sees you step inside. Baze smirks, immediately looking across the table at Jyn, who returns his knowing smile. Even Chirrut can’t help but let out a quiet chuckle, and Bodhi trails off, suddenly becoming incomprehensible as he quietly stammers something. Looking around at your friends, you greet, “Hey guys, what are you talking about?”

Jyn swings her legs off the table, leaning over to give Bodhi a nudge. Barely holding back her laughter, she responds, “We were just listening to Bodhi’s harrowing story about his latest mission, weren’t we, Bodhi?”

You smile, turning to look at Bodhi with an arched brow, and Bodhi can feel his cheeks getting hot. Shaking his head, he nervously chuckles, “I… I wouldn’t say it was harrowing, it was… it was just—”

“Oh, no need to be modest.” Jyn interrupts, and Bodhi internally curses Jyn, knowing exactly what she’s doing. Waving her hand, she insists, “Come on, Bodhi, finish the story.”

Before Bodhi can try to change the subject, you’ve already sat down, leaning your elbows against the table as you wait for Bodhi to talk. His lips wobble into a smile, his heart hammering inside his chest as he can’t look away from you. And when you look at him like that, with your smile that could fuel entire solar systems, how could he possibly remain calm? 

Thankfully, the door opens again, and Bodhi lets out a relieved sigh, grateful for another distraction to stop him from having to continue his story. His relief is short lived though, as he looks up to see Cassian and K2 step inside, and Cassian’s eyes survey the scene. Bodhi gulps, shrinking in his seat as he pointedly avoids eye contact with Cassian, and he can feel the stoic captain’s gaze on him. The past few weeks have been filled with an unexplainable tension between the two, one that Bodhi can’t quite understand. He doesn’t know what he’s doing wrong, and has mentally torn apart every interaction he’s exchanged with Cassian in hopes of finding an answer. 

Bodhi sneaks up a glance at Cassian, who stares at him, lips pressed into a flat line. Bodhi can’t even decipher the expression on Cassian’s face — disappointment? Frustration? Maybe even anger? Whatever it is, Cassian looks away, turning to face you as he asks, “Are you busy?”

“Well, Bodhi was just telling us about his latest mission,” you gesture to Bodhi, who holds his breath as Cassian glances in his direction again. 

“I see.” Cassian curtly responds after a pause. Cassian takes in a deep breath, before nodding towards the door, “Can I speak to you in private, please?” 

You hesitate, studying Cassian’s faces, trying to figure out if it’s for professional or personal matters. You let out a short sigh before finally getting up from your seat, almost laughing at yourself at the fact that despite many years of being married, you still can’t quite read your husband as well as you’d like. You make your way towards the door, but not before looking over your shoulder and telling Bodhi, “Next time I see you, I better hear that story!” 

Bodhi forces out a laugh, knowing that Cassian is watching him, and he watches as Cassian trails behind you as the two of you leave. The door slides shut, and Bodhi finally feels as though he can breathe again, slumping down into his seat as he shakes his head at himself. He yelps as Jyn suddenly reaches over to punch his arm, and he exclaims, “What?”

“I can’t believe, after all this time, you refuse to ask y/n out.” Jyn scoffs, and Bodhi lets out a loud, embarrassed groan. He can’t help but feel more embarrassed as even Baze pointedly sets down his gun to join in on the conversation, him and Chirrut nodding agreement. Jyn points at the pair, noting their support, as she continues, “See? I’m not the only one who thinks so.”

The four of them are too engrossed in conversation to notice K2 jerk back upon hearing your name. Shaking his head, he raises a finger, “I don’t think tha—”

“Please stop talking about this.” Bodhi cuts K2 off, burying his face in his hands, not wanting to look up at his friends, and Jyn snorts. “This is so embarrassing.” 

“Your feelings are nothing to be ashamed of, Bodhi,” Chirrut pipes, and Jyn nods in agreement. “We can’t control who we fall in love with.”

“If I might interject—” K2 tries to speak up again, but Jyn waves her hand in front of the droid’s face, much to his annoyance. Swatting her hand away, K2 snaps, “Don’t shush me!”  

“I’m not going to ask her out,” Bodhi shakes his head, and Jyn groans as she ignores K2. “I can’t! There’s—”

“If I could just get a single word in, I think I might have something valuable to say.” K2 finally yells, raising his voice as everyone turns to look at him. Bodhi’s eyebrows furrow, and Jyn rolls her eyes.

“I doubt a droid could help with romantic advice.” she points out, and K2 stares at her, thinking of close to a hundred comebacks he could possibly respond with. 

“No, I want to hear what K2 has to say.” Bodhi says, and Jyn turns to glare at him. Bodhi pauses, before shaking his head, wincing, “Wait, actually, I don’t. You’re just going to tell me my odds are close to zero.” 

“Well, they are.” K2 deadpans, and everyone collectively groans in disappointment. K2 looks over at everyone, before continuing, “I thought you would all know the reason why, but I suppose I’m overestimating your intelligence. Do none of you actually know that y/n and Cassian are together?”

Bodhi is too much in shock to even deal with his crushing disappointment upon hearing his odds with you. He looks around the table, seeing the same shock in Jyn, Baze and Chirrut’s faces, and Jyn splutters, “What? y/n and Cassian?” 

“Yes, y/n and Cassian.” K2 impatiently confirms. “They’ve been married for almost five years now.”

“Married?” Bodhi squeaks, his head spinning. Everything slowly starts falling into place as Bodhi thinks back to all of your interactions with Cassian. And suddenly, it dawns on him, the answer that he’s been searching for. If Jyn, Chirrut, and even Baze noticed his crush on you, it most definitely would’ve been noticed by Cassian.

And Bodhi can imagine how unamused Cassian must be at the fact that another guy, who’s part of his crew, has a crush on his wife. 

Bodhi jolts up from his seat. “I need to apologise. Oh man, I… I need to find Cassian.” 

Bodhi’s brain is scrambling as he tries to figure out what to do, what to say. Jyn looks up at him in alarm, and everyone watches as Bodhi rushes for the door, swiftly exiting the room. After a pause, Jyn gets up, and K2 asks, “And where do you think you’re going?”

“Well, I don’t know about you guys,” Jyn makes her way to the door. “But I would love to see how this all goes down.”

She raises an eyebrow, and after a pause, Baze, Chirrut and K2 all get up to join her.

—

You let out a loud scoff, leaning up against the table as you turn to face Cassian. Folding your arms across your chest, you ask, “Is this why you brought me in here? I thought it was something important.” 

Cassian blinks at you, clearly offended. “This is important.”

“That Bodhi has a crush on me? Which is wrong, by the way,” you point an accusatory finger at Cassian, who resists the urge to roll his eyes. Laughing, you insist, “We’re just friends!”

“That’s how you see it.” Cassian points out, and your hand falls to your side. Your eyebrows furrow as you notice your husband getting increasingly worked up, and he continues, “Do you not see the way he acts around you? He—”

“Hey, hey,” you reach out to grab Cassian’s hands, pulling you towards him, and Cassian takes a deep breath, composing himself. He relaxes at your touch, and you guide his hands around your waist before looping your arms around his neck. Gently smiling at him, you reassure him, “There’s no need to be jealous. Whatever Bodhi’s feelings are, so be it. But I love you, and only you, and that’s all that matters.” 

Cassian nods a small smile appearing on his face as he presses his forehead against yours. You can’t help but giggle as your noses touch, and he leans in to kiss you, hands roaming under the hem of your shirt as you pull him closer, running your hands through his hair. And in the moment, everything feels perfect and blissful, finally having some privacy together in the midst of your hectic day.

Until the door hisses open, and you hear someone utter a startled curse.

You and Cassian jump apart, and you quickly adjust your clothes before realising Bodhi is standing in the doorway, face red as he stares between you and Cassian, mouth parted but no words coming out. You and Cassian’s faces grow hot from being caught, and Bodhi cringes at himself as he feels as though he’s making one wrong move after the other.

Finally, Cassian clears his throat, “What do you want, Bodhi?”

“It’s, uh, nothing,” Bodhi stammers, barely able to form sentences. Trying to back out of the room, he continues, “I… I didn’t mean to interrupt, we- we can just talk later—”

“Here he is.” Jyn’s voice announces her presence before she appears, and she practically slams into Bodhi as he tries to run out the door. She stumbles back into Baze and Chirrut, who bump into K2, who doesn’t budge, and everyone quickly regains their balance upon noticing you and Cassian inside the room. 

“Well, seeing as you brought the whole crew with you, you might as well just say what you want to say.” Cassian grumbles, and Bodhi’s expression crumples. He attempts to square his shoulders, turning to face Cassian fully, but not before sneaking a glance over at you.

“I’m so sorry about everything. I had no idea you and y/n were together.” Bodhi finally blurts, the words coming out so fast you and Cassian can barely process what he’s saying. Bodhi holds his breath, studying Cassian’s expression, and the two of you exchange a glance before Cassian lets out a heavy sigh.

“I appreciate the apology, Bodhi. I know you didn’t mean any harm.” Cassian relaxes, his expression softening. Bodhi lets out a sigh of relief, and Cassian holds his hand out to you. You take it, giving it a squeeze, and Cassian shoots Bodhi a stern look before adding, “But, just so we’re clear, y/n is off limits.” 

“Understood. Off limits, absolutely.” Bodhi nods, flustered, and you flash him a small smile. 

Cassian looks past Bodhi to the rest of the crew. Raising an eyebrow, he sarcastically asks, “Did anyone else come to confess anything?”

After a moment of silence, Jyn pipes up, “Well, I just wanted to say that I think you and y/n make a lovely couple. You’re made for each other, honestly.”

“Okay, out.” Cassian shakes his head, ushering everyone back out of the room as you can’t help  but laugh. After managing to clear the room, you tilt your head with a knowing smile as you watch Cassian make sure to lock the door on the keypad. He turns, making his way back over to you as he says, “Hopefully there won’t be any more interruptions.”

“I like the sound of that.” you tease, grabbing the collar of Cassian’s jacket to pull him closer. He pushes you back against the desk, hands resting on your hips as you lean forward, closing the distance between your faces to gently kiss him. “I guess you were right about Bodhi, then.”

“I’m always right.” Cassian responds as he kisses you back, and he grins as you playfully try to shove him away. Feigning innocence, he asks, “What?” 

“Don’t push it.” you warn him, barely holding back a laugh, and Cassian chuckles before leaning forward to kiss you again, his smile radiant against your own.

tag list: @proudchocolateaddict​ / @myfriendmagislit​ / @dragon4123​ / @fire--pheonix​ / @gofandomsandotherstuff​ / @natalia-helena-alianova-romanov / @fairytalesforever​ / @emmacata​ / @hauntedpocdreamer / @fangirlsarah16​ / @adaleya​ / @floup-doodles​ / @batfam16​ / @tonystarkshomeoflostkiddos​ / @lotsoffandomrecs​ / @ruvaakke​ / @911buttercup​ / @azeret-mirror​ / @randomfandomimagine​ / @lotrfics​ / @locke-writes​ / @lovinghufflepuffgirl​ / @lxncelot​ / @captainshazamerica​​ / @ta-ka-shi-ma​​

[mimik-u]

“Homeworld Bound” Thoughts:

I wasn’t going to watch this one today, but then I realized that I really missed the Diamonds and wanted to consume novel content, so!

OOH, good on the show for taking us directly to the aftermath of “Fragments” instead of putting space between the episodes. That’s just... a really good choice narrative wise.

Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl’s expressions are so distressing here. He’s been gone for three days; they must’ve been so worried.

Jasper steps aside to reveal an absolutely ruined Steven.

He just technically killed a gem and then resurrected her. How intensely will that forever lie on his psyche? Oh my g od

NO, NOT JASPER PASSIVELY MAKING THE DIAMOND SIGN IN THE BACKGROUND AUGH

“You can’t just disappear for days without telling us!”

Steven silent walking up to the Observatory as the Gems continue to freak the fuck out is harrowing. And Dee Dee Magno Hall is killing it with her voice acting here. The simultaneous fear and anger and horror in her voice. Oh my g d

“You guys... I love you, but you can’t help me anymore. I’ve been avoiding the only people in the entire universe who can.” 🥺 This is sad, but I’m also, like, problematic grandmas time!!!!!

“Find something better to do with your life.” God, Jasper’s look of disbelief and sadness here. I didn’t really delve into this during my “Fragments” watch because I was just roridoodwrjfkrkeke reeling, but her reaction to being accidentally shattered is psychologically devastating???? I’d wager that she simultaneously respects the fact that she’s been subjugated by a being more powerful than her, that she’s grateful to Steven for being both subjugator and savior, and likely, she’s conflating this new loyalty with her former loyalty for Pink. This is a really complex psyche (a tragic one most of all).

Garnet: “Steven, remember, we’ll always be your family.” I’m so fucki n emo

AWHWHWH, HOMEWORLD IS SO BRIGHT AND COLORFUL NOW!!!

YO!! Homeworld has a democracy now!! The Zircons!!!!!!!

THE WALL GEM IS MOVING??????? KWOEOEIDJDKSJS

Can u imagine being a wall cursed with sentience. that is so funny on so many levels

But it’s also really interesting, too. If the Wall Gem is a gem in the way say Topazes are gems, which, judging by her mobility, she is—then her explicit purpose in Era 1-2, as molded by presumably Yellow, was to b a wall omg. (Or, arguably, I think it can be argued that the inanimate object Gems, like Comby, were probably accidental sentient creations, made in relationship to their proximity to the Diamonds during their various secretion rituals!!)

Anyway, I love thinking about Homeworld worldbuilding. It’s fascinating.

SQUARE PERIDOT

SPIIIIIINELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!

Her heart eyes!! She looks so happy!

Steven, angry af: “Spinel, what is wrong with you?” / Spinel: Oh, you know—the usual.” KEKDSKDK

Also, Steven really wanted to say fuck there. NEKDDKKSSKKS

“I was such a wreck then, but I am so much better now.” We stan character growth 😭😭

One thing I have loved the Crewniverse so much for doing is never taking away the physical signs of gems’ mental distress, even after they’ve gotten better: Blue’s eye bags, Volleyball’s eye, Spinel’s running mascara. That is so important.

YELLOW SITTING AT HER LIL VANITY!!

IT’S LIGHT INSIDE HER ROOM! THERE R FLOWERS! THRIVE, QUEEN, THRIVE.

YELLOW REVERSING HER GEM EXPERIMENTS OH MY G D

FUCKING QUEEN!!!!!!

(I’m sorry in advance. The rest of the live blog is just going to be screaming about the Diamonds.)

“I can permanently alter any physical form!” She’s so proud of herself. 😭😭😭 I fuckin’ love her.

Yellow laying down on the ground like that is SENDING ME SKSKSJSJ.

Ugh, and her being such a good mom to Spinel. I’m cry in f

“If anything’s out of proportion, it’s your temper. You can be big if you want to, or you can be small if you want to, but if you’re going to be upset no matter what, then this problem isn’t physical—it’s emotional. Go see Blue.”

I really like her advice here because it’s advice that comments so clearly on her own character arc. At her lowest, she was quick to anger, aggressive, and temperamental, which she diagnoses in Steven here. Additionally, she was the Diamond who was concerned largely with physical actions. She coped by maintaining the Empire through conquering planets and maintaining the minutiae of leadership; she thought the only way to receive justice for Pink was through the physical act of destruction. And in doing so, she pushed her own emotions deep, deep down until they manifested in anger, aggressiveness, and temperamental outbursts. This hurt the people she cared about, and it hurt herself most of all.

Also, “Go see Blue. That is her department.” Ejdoiddjdjjsjdjdks, “go see ur other grandma.”

BLUE FLOATING ON A CLOUD!!!!!

“Your powers have been causing you dramatic mood swings? That seems awfully troubling Steven.” God I love her

“You don’t seem troubled.” This is a really interesting line because it comments on how Blue’s emotions, especially her negatively charged ones, used to be so visible all over her; indeed, she both wittingly and actively used to project them on other Gems, forcing them to feel her suffering, too.

OH, SHE GOES ON TO SAY THE EXACT SAME THING EOEODODISSJJS. LISTEN, I REALLY VIBE WITH BLUE.

“Back before you came into my life, Steven, I wanted every one to feel the pain I felt. I realized I must make up for my awful behavior by bringing joy to others.”

Another thing I’ve appreciated about the writing in this episode: So far, both Blue and Yellow have used the adjective awful to describe their former actions. It’s the self-awareness and the refusal to try to excuse themselves that powerfully shows how much they’ve grown. And it’s their continuous endeavors to keep moving forward, to help the Gems that they’ve hurt, that indicates that they’re willing to constantly keep growing and atoning.

NFOFOFDKSSKSKSK, THESE CLOUDS ARE JUST HER VAPORIZED TEARS HELP.

Sick vape clouds, Blue

I’VE HEARD THE SONG BEFORE, BUT EVERY TIME SHE SINGS, I LOSE MY SHI T

LISA HANNNNIGAAAAAAAN

This is such a pretty line: “Cold palace walls, and endless empty halls, haunted by echoes of laughter.”

BLUE ASCENDING THROUGH THE CLOUDS AUSHAHHSHD

BLUE MAKING HEART CLOUDS FOR SPINEL!!

BLUE CALLING SPINEL N STEVEN HER LITTLE REASONS WHY.

“I’LL NEVER MAKE YOU CRY.” This line is particularly lovely because I think it plays well with Steven’s line to her in “CYM:” “How many times did you make her cry?”

BDJDJDJSJDJ, BLUE LAYING ON HER CLOUD LIKE YELLOW LAID ON THE FLOOR.

The way she sings the last “loving you.” 😭���😭😭 I’m gonna weep. I love her so fucking much.

“I found happiness. If that's not something you think you deserve, then I suspect this is an issue of self worth. I suggest you go to White for assistance with such matters.” 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 And like Yellow did, Blue gets to the heart of her arc cleanly.

Before Steven and before her own emotional reckoning, she didn’t think it was her place to be happy: “I know my purpose isn’t to be happy.” But in learning to love others, Blue has found true, inner happiness, which she literally shares with others. Wow.

And I think there’s something powerful in her distinction between true happiness and self-worth. You can’t find one without espousing the other.

White’s room is so pretty. 🥺

THE FLASHING STROBE LIGJTS DDNJDFJDJDNF.

SPINEL WHITE DIAMOND?!/!:$;8;83&:&:

SHE FUCKING LETS OTHER GEMS CONTROL HE R HELP.

SPINEL MAKING WHITE TAP DANCE FICODODOFODJDNDJSJDJDJJDDJDJ

Steven’s horrified expression omg

“I’m scared I’m gonna hurt people; I guess I already have.” God.

And that’s another thing that this episode has called to mind. Blue, Yellow, and White alike once used their insane powers to hurt other Gems and to hurt themselves, and here, throughout this series, we see Steven discovering that same capacity for destruction and self-destruction. Along with the systematic oppressions they facilitated, a big part of the Diamonds’ modus operandi was that their powers were directly correlated to their mental states and their various inabilities to confront their own selves and effect inner change. The corrective wasn’t necessarily Steven; the corrective was him helping them to do that initial act of introspection and looking inwards. And so, too, will Steven have to do the same by the end of this series. But I presume that his family, all the people and gems who have loved and cared for him, will in effect be his Steven, just as he has always been for them.

“Half a Diamond, half a creature of Earth—in all the universe there's no one else that could know what you’re going through, so maybe it's time you talked to yourself.” This is so viscerally sad. White hits the nail on the head here. Steven’s human friends/family and his gem family and even the Diamonds, who come the closest to matching his own strength, can never fully understand him. It’s the tension that underscores a lot, if not the entire show.

White briefly touches Steven with her nail, and you can viscerally see the trauma on his face; he hasn’t forgotten her act above all, wrenching his gem out, nearly killing him.

“I’m... I’m a Diamond.” Steven, in looking at White Diamond, realizes that she’s a mirror of himself. Holy fucking shit

“I don’t want to be you! I don’t want to be anything like you!” HOLY FUCKING SHIT

“Don’t hurt me! She can’t hurt me! I’m controlling her...” And here, Steven doesn’t light upon the essential thing... in making White punch the wall, nearly knocking a huge rock into him, he’s the one hurting himself.

This show, oh my g o d

“She’s the one who should be afraid.” STEVEN?!!!!????!??!

“No, stop it! I don’t like this!” / “Please, you’re scaring me.” OH MY GO D

HE FUCKING MADE HER SLAM HER GEM AGAINST A PILLAR HOLY HE LL

“What... what was that?” Christine’s delivery here. Holy shit. 😭😭 And both of them are surrounded in the carnage of Steven’s wrath. Holy fucking shit.

This act is fundamentally different than him accidentally shattering Jasper in “Fragments”; this was an intentional attempt to hurt White, to crack her, to break her. Holy fucking shit

Spinel, Blue, and Yellow waiting for Steven outside of White’s door has my heart a little and a lot tender 🥺🥺🥺🥺

SPINEL SINGING I CAN MAKE A CHANGE SO DRAMATICALLY DJDIDJDJDJDJD. (But yeah, lmao, this will absolutely be the conclusion of Steven’s arc at the end of Future.)

“Steven! Let us help you, Steven!” The Diamonds are so concerned (mirroring the Gems back at home, too). 😭😭

He leaves a flip flop behind like Cinderella lmao

“Steven, let us help you!” / “We’re your family!” 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

And just as he implored the CGs, he tells the Diamonds not to follow him either.

Steven is completely and utterly alone.

Not by necessity.

But God, by choice.

Okay, this is my new favorite Future episode.

[sugar-petals]

Can u introduce yuzuru to us the caro way?👀

so you want to know about the one and only. ♡😌

yuzuru hanyū (25) of sendai, japan: the most beautiful ice prince with a heart of gold.

….an artist clearly not of this world, he’s been sent to us from another realm. 19 world records, two olympics won, dubbed the greatest figure skater of all time. and the most precious bean on top of that.

but let’s start from the beginning, shall we ♥︎

so, want to spot yuzu on the ice? use this checklist. slender silhouette, an even slimmer waist, feather-like outfits (he sketches those himself; the fandom lovingly calls him swanyu), soft blushy face. he has great androgyny.

outside of performances, you see him either with a deer’s gaze or the brightest, biggest eye smile. also, he’s usually found sitting with his wife: 

which is the ice 😄 these two are together forever. you can discern yuzu from a mile away by how he treats his working ground. 

there is a purity to him. you’d not guess that this is one of the most ardent athletes if you didn’t see what’s around his neck after competitions. the guy’s cuteness is as compelling as his skating technique.

look for it: yuzu’s face is super suave and rosy up close, even after his most energetic performances. some men are handsome, others pretty, he is both. 

even acoustically, he’s hard to miss. applause is all around, and he’s highly expressive. if you see a crying young man getting the high score, that’s yuzuru hanyu. you’ve not seen more beautiful happy tears.

and score reactions, anyway:

so, aye loves, the rumors are true. a cutie-pie off the ice, animated, a real unabashed meme — yuzu is easy-going, talkative. cheery, cheeky, one of a kind. his facial expressions are a league of their own.

if you thought this is the sort of guy who watches cat videos, you are correct 😄

yuz-uwu hanyu, everybody:

his undoubtedly feline behaviour is often unexpected, it stands out with its adorableness, too. a sweetheart par excellence. 

and, how else could it be: vice versa, the big beast on the rink. he’s cutesy, dorky, very well-spoken in daily life, but when it comes to skating, his seriousness escalates. you blink once and suddenly hanyu is a bedazzling, strutting lion :’D his performances stun with confident elegance.

he becomes full of ardor, drama, and focus. you’d never suspect so much fire burns in him. a showman and ambition icon, hands down. 

his skating is dynamic, perfected, and emotional. if you want to see art and the extra mile, tune in when hanyu competes.

the downside is; more light, more shadow. it leaves him crawling on the ice afterwards. yuzu performs so hard, it’s worrying.

he delivers it all. you won’t believe it:

this guy is an asthmatic.

the symptoms aren’t as bad as they used to be, but there are still regular attacks. he said that he’ll never take it as an excuse and often recalls how he started skating because of it. he’s a badass, extremely inspiring. yuzuru defies all limits, including gravity. his jumps have legendary status. 

off the rink, you guessed it: he turns into a wholly different person. 

it all dissolves completely when he’s dorking around again. 

don’t let it deceive you, he’s the no other option than first place type. he could not be any more decorated with titles, he achieved the grand slam in all competitions as of 2020. and still, king of sportsmanship hanyu is respectful and smiley towards all colleagues and never lets anyone feel left out. especially when it comes to his juniors (e.g. yuma kagiyama, 16, below) which says a lot about him.

he bows in every direction before an audience, too. lower than a 90° angle, even. this is more polite than any existing formality in japan.

talk about audience: i introduced fellow japanese skater shoma uno last week, who’s more uncomfortable with social contact and aggression. yuzu, extrovert he is: the exact opposite. he withers away with no people and competition. he’s befriended rivals, had crises over not having someone who could challenge him. when a competitor retires, he’s the one crying in their arms (e.g. with team mate and bff javier fernandez from spain below).

beside his competitive spirit and princely wow factor, hanyu is popular for his winnie pooh tissue box that he caresses, squeezes, and carries everywhere. he loves good luck charms & rituals, pooh is the most important one.

fans throw pooh plushies on the ice after his performances because of it. since it’s gotten so intense, yuzu recently started cleaning them up himself on top of the flower girls for the upcoming skater who could get delayed otherwise. (more about what happens with the piles of plushies later.)

so, the burning question is. 

what made yuzuru hanyu emerge so outstanding an entertainer? how does someone causing so much uproar become like that? it’s not just what kind of appearance he was given, although he really looks his part to a T. you don’t have to be an insider to see it right away.

like literally to a fault. and you can tell the way his blades sound on the ice is different. it’s soft even if he does the most hardcore quadruple jumps. i think it’s because his drive to do this is a higher one, hanyu has an altered relationship with the ice. where his devotion comes from has a more severe reason so, massive trigger warning. 

this is no exaggeration: yuzuru is considered a hero to the japanese. a survivor of the earthquake 2011, he narrowly escaped the collapsing rink in his hometown on that very day. he’s often talked about how the ice shattered underneath his feet and it was the moment that defined his life forever. he could have been dead by the age of 16. his motivation has been set ever since. this man is compelled by something bigger, that’s why you hear it and you feel it. he wants to skate not just for himself but others and seize every day. 

much of his copious charity work — that’s where all the pooh plushies go — went to mend the consequences of the tsunami ever since, he’s looked upon as a great hope in japan. the minister gave him the people’s honor award in 2018. 

now you know why yuzuru has such a fanbase and treats the ice as sacred, you see it in every gesture. his manners are without a single flaw, he helps staff repair the ice after performances. 

you might think it’s odd, but he honors the ground. he’s invested in the integrity of it. that’s why he’s the best skater. it’s gratitude and the will to live fully.

he hates to fall on the ice, he hates to damage it. alongside his feathery weight, that’s why the sound he makes while gliding along is so tender. 

i think that’s also why hanyu’s signature element is the ina bauer. it doesn’t rely on brutal force, instead this element slides across the rink like a swan. yeah, oh my god.

it’s his most well-known dramatic move. the way he surrenders into it. 

hanyu’s back arch and perfect split allow him to do elements no other male skaters can. his biellmann spin, for instance. i know, it’s ridiculous.

and those are just two elements of dozens and dozens. hanyu is a kinetic wizard. i highly rec this record-breaking delivery of his olympic program. in front of his home crowd! he’s just… mind-boggling. i live for his smiles here.

exceptional skater, exceptional mentor: it’s time we look at another puzzle piece that made yuzu the way he is. the masterful brian orser is hanyu’s beloved coach. missing gold by just one mistake at the olympics 1988, brian is now committed to give others what he couldn’t have— successfully so.

orser took the ice prince to gold twice, this hasn’t happened in 66 years. brian is the nicest and most supportive pooh carrier and yuzu’s utmost rock. hanyu’s talent rests safely in these hands.

he gets strict about punctuality lmao! but other than that, his guidance is gentle. canadian he is, brian’s courteousness mixes well with yuzu’s politeness. their bond is strong. as. hell. 

brian picked up yuzu from rock bottom several times. most fateful being hanyu’s accident with a fellow skater during competition warm-ups nov 2014. they collided at a high speed, it was unspeakably nasty. yuzu got knocked out for half a minute and had grave breathing problems but still decided to skate on with what later turned out as an almost-concussion. brian was the most worried ice dad in the world that day.

yuzu cried and crouched and bled like mad and my heart has been broken ever since. i hope he never suffers like that again. promise me you don’t search up the video, it’s a harrowing watch like a stab to the chest. sadly enough, hanyu’s body has still been a notorious wreck, esp. ankle issues regularly give him a hard time 😔

it hurts like a bitch with every jump landing but he takes meds and still manages to win, god knows how. sometimes even with crutches on the podium. at his worst, he’s still the best, it’s a tragedy.

he’s been recovering, or always is, but he pushes himself through injuries. his ambition and perfectionism are boundless. the cause is more important to him than his well-being. this is not an easy guy to stan once you see how he sacrifices and self-destructs. so, it’s good someone protects him. 

mostly from himself because nobody has profoundly surpassed hanyu. he has let himself no choice than to contest himself. not even health, only age can stop yuzu. i think that brian understands this ‘curse of a genius’ effect. his mere presence can make hanyu say these rare words:

his two other coaches contribute to that. tracy wilson (left) has proven to understand his playful side the best while ghislain briand (right) helps yuzuru deal with his fears. so you got 3 people taking care of the golden boy. brian once said: “he is very sheltered” and you can see it’s true.

yuzu eased into learning english and communicates well with his coaches. like with everything, he studies hard and often forces himself to speak during interviews to practice. his skills are astounding. his speaking voice is also very soothing, very amicably low and high alike. yuzu is highly intelligent. he always says something eloquent and interesting.

now, privately, hanyu is very much like you’d expect someone so devoted to skating would be like. he doesn’t go out, has no social media, can’t eat nor sleep very well. no cameras allowed during practice. it figures he is attached to winnie pooh, think about it. in the cartoon, pooh is someone who sleeps, eats, and engages with friends plenty. 

these are the things hanyu can’t do, doesn’t have time/energy/incentive for. he is barred from balance in life but can at least admire this little carefree plushie for it. especially because pooh represents eating lots while yuzuru doesn’t have a good relationship with food (he says it doesn’t go well with jumps etc.), hanyu lives vicariously through him. 

what’s more, you have to see how he throws himself onto others and never wants to let go, yuzuru is extremely cuddly. 

to the degree that mere social customs can’t meet how much he really needs. so, what else can he resort to, he loves mascots and plushies. it’s how the tale goes in japan generally, tough work ethic, high responsibility, high pressure, so people turn to cute fluffy things.

he always fondles pooh’s head, even pretends he’s come to life so he has someone to snuggle with. i think that his isolated lifestyle doesn’t help. so, he gets his affection at least there, you can see how happy it makes him. and again: he does this all for charity.

that’s why fellow skaters are so important to hanyu. it really brings out his social spirit and comforts him best, it’s so wholesome. i’ve not seen someone react so relieved to being embraced, like he’s not been touched for months. skating this, skating that. at the end of the day, hanyu wants love.

as he once said, what motivates him is to express himself in the first place. hanyu is a romantic. it’s written all over him. it reflects in his music choices, his elegant motion, how he designs his outfits:

… and how thoughtfully he talks about marriage. he has big plans for starting a family and coaching after he retires. i won’t be the only one squeezing lucky charm pooh in my imagination so it turns out well for him. please make this heart of gold heal and see all his wishes come true ♡🐻

[xenteaart]

Hey! It’s yunamu, the commenter on your five fics. I was wondering, what do you like about five? I mean, I love your five fics that I’ve read so far but I have to admit that you don’t seem like the type who would like someone like five let alone write an x reader for the character. So tell me, is there specific things you like about him?

ahhh hello! glad to see you here :)

i’m quite curious why u think i dont seem like the type to like five? hahah. it’s a lil surprising ngl ! 

i actually think i tend to fall for the same archetype rather often because looking back at my list of characters i like or used to like at some point, there’s a common theme (the master, the doctor from doctor who, ciel phantomhive from black butler, N from death note, bbc sherlock, five). they’re all very clever, pretty closed off and emotionally unavailable, lonely and last but not least ~traumatized~

full disclamer, i havent read the comics so i’m talking about the tv show five here and it’s obvsly just my interpretation 

what i like about five is his complexity. i like how he’s neither a bad guy nor a good guy, he’s not a psychopath nor is he your usual local. (about the psychopath part - i know in the comic book there’s smth about his dna being merged with every killer’s dna and five in the comic book is def a lot more of a nut case but again, i’m talking about the netflix version of five). i like the layers to his character and how in spite of everything he’s been through he still has humanity in him. he does have feelings. he does care. but he can never express it in a conventional way so you always have to look past his asshole act. with characters like this i usually like the challenge of the riddle that they are. i like putting myself in their shoes and trying to understand them. 

i like how despite how tough he actually is, he is also a baby just a very stubborn and unlucky kid who was forced to grow up in the circumstances you wouldn’t wish upon your worst enemy. in fact, he didn’t even grow up, he just grew older. he didn’t get to have a childhood, he didn’t get to form any meaningful relationships, he didn’t even have the time to stop and think about who he is because he’s been in survival mode since 13 years old (or even before that thanks to Reggie’s wonderful parenting). and he’s very special in that way. it’s shaped him and damaged him in so many ways that literally none of the rules we know apply to him. in a way, he doesn’t even know himself because he never had the luxury of having the time to look inside as he was constantly chasing this one ultimate goal of getting back and saving his family.

i just have so much empathy and compassion for him that i couldn’t help but give him a faithful companion in my fics because he sure deserves one. plus seeing how his siblings absolutely ignore the fact that he’s been through some shit is heartbreaking to me. like, instead of acknowledging that he’ll do anything and everything to save them they just give him shit for being mean. they bark at him for stranding them in the past instead of thanking him they’re still alive. what kinda fuckery is this. man he needs a HUG. and the most harrowing thing to me is how he doesn’t even expect them to love him or appreciate what he’s done, he just tries and tries and tries to save them. 

having said that, i think because of his past, five isn’t very capable of maintaining a typical relationship or experiencing familiar (to all of us) and straightforward kinds of love. he doesn’t love in a usual way, and everything about his feelings is a lot more intricate and complicated. as in he’ll probably never say “i love you” but he’ll have a way of making you feel loved. that kinda thing. it’s subtle

i really wanted to portray this kind of dynamic in my fics where it’s neither a regular friendship, nor is it romance, nor is it a family kind of love. it’s sort of all at once and none at the same time. 

in my fics specifically, i want his partner (aka reader aka Y/N aka you) to sort of ground him a bit, enhance his humanity, push him to be a slightly better version of himself while not attempting to change him at all.

god i hope this answered your question :D i’m sorry my response is very messy and probably unreasonably long but yeah hahah. thank you so much for asking! 

[bitterlikesweets]

Love Bites Ch 4

This is the fourth chapter of a modern/vampire AU ereri fanfic. You can also read it on Ao3.

Prev | Next

“Armin, what the fuck?”

Armin freezes in the doorway to Eren’s apartment, readjusting the massive stack of books in his arms as he looks up at his friend, confused.

“What?”

“Why did you bring an entire library with you?” Eren asks, moving out of the way so that his blond friend could come inside.

“Well, you said you wanted to talk about vampire stuff, so I thought it would be a good chance to go over what I’ve been researching. I just wasn’t sure what to focus on, so in the end, I brought everything.”

Armin smiles sheepishly, setting down the stack of books on the floor by the door. Eren's apartment is small—a desk, bed, bathroom, and a kitchenette. Armin's precariously stacked books nearly rise to the height of the desk they were placed beside. Eren shakes his head in disbelief, angling his head to scan the titles on the spines.

“I just… Got ahead of myself. We haven’t talked about it in detail since…”

Armin falters, biting his lip, and Eren kneels down by the books, in a hurry to find something to help him change the subject. One harrowing walk down memory lane was more than enough for Eren; he has no desire to lose his cool twice within one week.

His gaze locks on a book with an image of a pair of pale hands and a red apple on the book’s spine.

“Armin,” Eren says, wiggling the book to pull it out of the stack without sending the whole thing toppling to the floor. “You brought Twilight?”

Armin flushes pink, snatching the book out of Eren’s hand.

“I just—I needed to check everything, okay? If vampires are real, then it’s possible that any references in pop culture have some truth to them!”

Eren laughs and Armin throws the book at Eren’s shoulder, which just makes him laugh even more. Armin eventually sighs and settles onto the floor beside Eren, who is still examining the stack of books.

“You look better,” Armin says, and Eren tilts his head curiously when he turns to look at his friend.

“Better?”

“I mean, like, physically. You have a bit more… color.”

“Ah,” Eren says, and now it’s his turn to blush. He turns his head away, hoping his hair will hide his face from view. “I, uh… That’s part of what I wanted to talk to you about.”

“Oh?”

“I’ll explain when Mikasa gets here,” Eren says, grabbing an old copy of Dracula and running his fingers over the worn cover. He's cautious with the book, making sure to keep his grip light, wanting no repeats of anything like the table fiasco back at Kuchel's Kitchen.

He can feel Armin’s gaze on him, but Armin doesn’t ask for clarification just yet, so Eren breathes a sigh of relief.

“What exactly are you researching with all this stuff anyway?”

“I was just trying to contrast books and legends against what you actually experience,” Armin says.

Armin reaches towards the bottom of the stack, where a spiral notebook is trapped between the floor and the rest of the books, managing to pull it out, though the stack sways precariously for a moment.

Eren leans over Armin’s shoulder when he flips the notebook open.

“Sunlight and garlic are a danger to you,” Armin says, pointing to a list of possible dangers on the page.

Sunlight and garlic have little checkmarks next to them. Eren’s eyes quickly scan the list. He sees holy water, mirrors, and bricks listed, though he has no idea what special quality about bricks makes him more susceptible to them as a vampire.

“There’s the classic threat of wooden stakes,” Armin continues, his finger sliding down the page, “though we have no way to test that without risking your life.”

“Put a check next to that one,” Eren says.

Armin blinks and looks up at Eren with a frown.

“How do you know? What trouble did you get into in the week that I haven’t seen you?”

“No trouble!” Eren says quickly, but he winces and rephrases. “Not bad trouble anyway.”

Armin frowns and sets the notebook down on the floor, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Eren.”

“That’s also part of what I need to explain once Mikasa—”

He’s cut off by a sharp knock on the door, and Armin is the one who rushes to answer. Mikasa steps in with a grocery bag over her arm, though she frowns as she takes in Armin’s expression.

“What?” she asks, but Armin just whirls around to face Eren.

“Okay,” Armin says, “time for the explanation.”

Eren sighs, setting Dracula on his knee before gesturing for his friends to come closer.

“Sit down,” he says. “This might take a while.”

~ ~ ~

“I’ll do it,” Mikasa says as soon as Eren has finished his recap of the situation.

Eren frowns.

“Do what?”

“I’ll be your partner.”

“Oh.”

Eren stares dumbly at her, and Mikasa frowns, bunching her shirt in her fists.

“I mean, unless you’d rather not—”

“No! No, it’s not that, I just…” Eren takes a breath. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah,” she replies with a firm nod. “I mean, you’re going to need blood either way. It might as well be me.”

“Me too!” Armin pipes up. “There’s no rule against multiple partners, is there?”

“I doubt it,” Eren says. “Levi didn’t say anything about it anyway.”

He thinks of their conversation, about concerns about drinking too much. Perhaps two people would even be better. He wouldn’t want anything to happen to them. Maybe they could alternate weeks, that way their blood would replenish, or however the fuck this worked.

“Uh,” Armin begins after a moment, “does it hurt?”

“Does it matter if it does?” Mikasa asks him, and Armin quickly shakes his head.

“I would help either way! I just… I mean, I would like to know if it does hurt. Just to be prepared.”

Eren reaches up to the scar on his neck, to the bite mark he knows is there. He doesn’t remember it that well. He also doesn’t know if there’s something different about biting just to drink and biting to turn.

He wonders if that’s why Levi is always offering his wrist instead of his neck.

“You’d have to ask Levi that,” Eren says eventually, and Mikasa scowls.

“I don’t trust that man.”

“What? Why?” Eren asks.

“I mean, you said he’s a vampire hunter. Why would he help you? What if he put garlic in your lasagna on purpose? He could’ve ignored that no garlic message from the waitress and just pretended he didn't understand. Maybe he’s just pretending to be innocent so he can kill you later.”

“He said he doesn’t hunt anymore,” Eren says. He unconsciously raised his voice and tries to tone it down, unsure why he’s trying so hard to defend the man he barely knows. “Why would he give me his blood if he was trying to hurt me?”

“All I’m saying,” Mikasa says, holding up her hands, “is that I doubt a vampire hunter would just quit and basically switch sides for no reason. Until we know that reason, I want you to be careful.”

“Why don’t we go with you next time?” Armin suggests. “We have questions we need to ask, and it’ll help Mikasa worry less.”

Eren casts a wary glance in Mikasa’s direction, but he eventually nods.

“When are you going?” Armin asks.

“He just said to come the next time I’m thirsty,” Eren says with a shrug.

“Then, let us know when that time comes,” Mikasa says, and Eren nods, though a frown pulls at his lips.

Eren thinks about the way he cried after talking about his mom, about the table he flung across the room after getting upset. Those are details he conveniently left out of his explanation—also Levi pretending to throw a massive stake at him—because he didn’t want to worry his friends too much. He doesn’t want to put his friends in any danger, especially while he still doesn’t know what he’s capable of.

“Actually,” he says after a moment, “can you guys hold off for a bit?”

Mikasa frowns.

“Why?”

“Because, uh…” He scrambles to think up an excuse. “Because I don’t want to spring it on him! I don’t really have any way to contact him, and I would prefer to warn him before I just bring people to our vampire lessons, you know?”

Mikasa continues to frown, unconvinced, but Armin nods, and Eren takes that as all the answer he needs.

“That’s fine,” Armin says, and he nudges Mikasa with his elbow. “Right, Mikasa?”

She huffs and looks away, but after a moment, she nods.

“If he hurts you,” Mikasa begins, her voice low, “I’m going to go over there and shove a stake right up his—”

“Anyways!” Armin exclaims loudly, pointedly ignoring Mikasa’s glare. “Since that’s settled, let’s talk vampires. What should we have Eren ask Levi?”

Armin flips to a new page in his notebook, pulling a pen from his pocket.

“Does being bit…” Armin mumbles as he writes, “hurt a lot? There.”

He hands the notebook and the pen to Mikasa.

“Are there any restrictions about numbers of partners?” she says as she writes, and Eren is genuinely surprised that her question doesn’t have any insult worked into it.

When the notebook is passed to him, Eren glances at the stack of books, skimming the titles. He knows so little about vampires that it’s hard to think of a single question.

A book he pulled from the stack earlier catches his eye, and Eren grins.

“How much of Twilight is accurate?”

“Eren!” Armin exclaims, snatching the notebook away.

Mikasa’s gaze shifts to the stack of books, her eyes settling on the novel in question.

“...Didn’t know you read that sort of thing, Armin,” she says.

“I don’t! It was for Eren that I even brought it!”

“Dracula makes sense to me,” Eren says, “but come on, Armin. Twilight?”

“Oh, Dracula!” Armin exclaims, his voice an octave higher as he frantically tries to change the subject. “You don’t need to be invited into buildings. I’ll cross that off the list.”

Armin moves to flip the page, but it’s Mikasa who takes the notebook into her hands to write something down.

“Do vampires get offended by humans who think Twilight is accurate?” she asks, the pen darting across the page.

“Mikasa, not you too!”

Armin lunges for the notebook, but she quickly passes it to Eren who holds it up and out of reach, laughing.

"Do vampires sparkle like they do in Twilight?" Eren asks, dancing out of the way of Armin, who is still desperately attempting to take the notebook back.

Mikasa picks up the book and skims through the pages, her subsequent hum sending Armin lunging at her next.

"Does a vampire's sense of smell work like it does in Twilight?" Mikasa manages to ask before Armin tackles her to the ground and sends her into a fit of laughter as they wrestle over the silly book. Eren grins and takes the chance to scribble all their idiotic questions into Armin's notebook.

“What other Twilight related questions could I ask…” Eren muses, tapping the pen against his chin.

A well aimed book is thrown at the back of Eren’s ankles, and despite the pain, Armin’s attack just makes Eren laugh even harder. The blond groans in frustration, burying his face into his hands.

“I’m never helping you with anything ever again!”

[my-lady-knight]

Favorite Reads of 2019

As seems to be my usual, I’m posting this at what feels like the last second.

Writing this year’s post was hard. I’ve been complaining offline all year that it feels like I read far fewer books I really, truly enjoyed. Even the books I did enjoy, they didn’t stick around long in my head for me to remember details. On the other hand, this list ended up being thirteen items long, so it can’t have been that bad. And having to go back to the books in order to write this list did make me remember how and why I loved them, so there is that.

Presented in chronological order of when I read them:

The Lions of Al-Rassan by Guy Gavriel Kay

The first book I read in 2019, and I knew would end up on this list as soon as I finished. It’s also the first book of Guy Gavriel Kay’s where I finally understood what the fuss was about - when he commits to writing three-dimensional characters with compelling interpersonal and socio-political relationships, he commits. The cultural/social details of this secondary-world version of medieval Spain set at the beginning of the end of the Caliphate and the rise of the Reconquista are evocative, and the scope deftly alternates between being vast without tripping over itself and touchingly personal. Most importantly, this book gave me an OT3 I wasn’t even expecting in the form of Amman ibn Khairan, famed soldier, poet, and advisor now outcast from the city-state of Cartada, Rodrigo Belmonte, beloved cavalry captain with a complicated loyalty to the rulers he serves, and Jehane bet Ishak, an esteemed physician whose path intersects with them both. Together they represent the connections and tensions between their respective, secondary-world Muslim, Christian, and Jewish communities, cities, and leaders in this secondary-world Spain and form a triangle of everything the country has, is, and can be. A year later I still love this book.

How to Write an Autobiographical Novel: Essays by Alexander Chee

This book is difficult to write about, because I remember loving it as I was reading it, but I can’t remember any of the essays very well several months after the fact (see above). What I do remember is that they were difficult, and complicated, and messy, and they did the thing I love when essays do where the fact that the things Alexander Chee was writing about are super-specific to him made them somehow feel all the more relatable. All the essays were nicely crafted stories and emotional journeys, withAlexander Chee tracing all the various aspects of his life through his writing, as an Asian man, a gay man, an aspiring writer, a professional writer, a resident of NYC, and a survivor of sexual assault, using prose that was both artistic and clear as water.

The Raven Tower by Ann Leckie

Amal El-Mohtar wrote in her NYT review that this book was akin to “Hamlet”, “if [the play] were told from the point of view of Elsinore Castle addressing itself to a Horatio who mostly couldn’t hear it,” to which my response was “huh?” Then I read the book and it a) made so much more sense and b) ended up being an astute, apropos explanation of the kind of book The Raven Tower is. It’s the story of a soldier and companion to the heir of a country investigating the disappearance of its ruler and the ascendency of another in his place. It’s also the story of a calm, patient god in the form of a stone who predates all of history and narrates the changing existence of gods, their power, and their relationship to humans and their civilizations. It’s an understated yet powerful book, full of Ann Leckie’s brilliant and clever writing, world-building, storytelling, and otherworldliness. It’s Ann Leckie. She knows what she’s doing. And it fucking works.

Sal & Gabi Break the Universe by Carlos Hernandez

This book - is bonkers. It is insane. It is one thousand percent over the top. I kept asking myself “why am I not irritated???” Instead I loved it. Sal is the new kid, a practicing magician with as showman’s flair for the dramatic and boundless energy, and he can open up portals into other universes. Gabi is the sharp-eyed, bossy class president and editor of the school newspaper who just knows something’s up with Sal and his shenanigans. Together, they become friends! And open up more portals into other universes. This book is warm and empathetic and funny and kind-hearted. It’s too-muchness quality somehow worked. The whole thing felt like the literary equivalent of a hug. 

The Parting Glass by Gina Marie Guadagnino

This wasn’t a Deep book, but I could not stop thinking about it, nor could I stop recommending it to people. It’s a zippy historical fiction novel set in 1830s NYC prior to the Potato Famine. Mary (or Maire) and her brother Seanin are Irish immigrants working in the same wealthy family’s house, she as lady’s maid to the marriageable daughter named Charlotte, he as a groomsman. Mary is half in love with her Charlotte; unfortunately so is Seanin, and the two of them are carrying on an affair, the aftermath of which leaves Mary in a bind about where her loyalties lie. I love that this book has a queer take on a love triangle that I’ve never seen before, and I loved Mary’s anger and resentment, her unashamed attitude towards her desire for Charlotte as well as other women, and her selfishness as well as her loyalty. I also loved the upstairs-downstairs nature of the book and the clash of Anglo-American and Irish immigrant ethnic and class mores and the larger social and political setting of the city and time period.

The Bird King by G. Willow Wilson

I don’t even know how to begin describing this book. It’s a story about maps and boundaries and borders. It’s an epic of daring escape and adventure about a mapmaker named Hassan with a magical gift and a concubine named Fatima, two friends fleeing the Inquisition after the surrender of Granada, in search of a mythical island ruled by the King of Birds. It’s a story of faith and trust and bonds forged from disparate people, and transformation, transformation of yourself and the world around you because you will it to be so. It’s a beautiful, beautifully written book.

(As a side note, I’m intrigued by the fact that two of my favorite books on here are set during the Reconquista.)

On the Come Up by Angie Thomas

In some ways I liked this even better than The Hate U Give. I loved the complexity that arose out of Bri rapping about the injustices she’s experienced, with people drawing completely different meanings out of her words, people wanting her to use her rapping and her voice for differing reasons, and Bri herself working to figure out the power she has with her rapping and how she wants to use her talents, when it comes to financially supporting her family, standing up for herself, and being herself when so many around her are creating all these false images of her based solely off her words. I loved Bri’s anger, the way she kept speaking before thinking, her loving, sometimes complicated relationships with her family and friends...Angie Thomas’s writing and storytelling is phenomenal.

Kindred by Octavia Butler

I’m not even sure what to say about this book that hasn’t been said but, um, yeah, it’s Octavia Butler, it’s a classic, and really my favorite aspect of the book is how it so effectively bridges the gap between history and present and demonstrates how the two aren’t so far apart, and effectively blends them such that for Dana, the present becomes the past and the past is her present and suddenly she isn’t visiting history at a somewhat removed vantage point, she is part of history, her own history, her ancestors’ history, in all its horror, caught in a catch-22 of needing to repeatedly save the life of her white, slave-owning ancestor who over time grows more and more violent towards her, in order to ensure the chronological security of her own life.

The Weight of Our Sky by Hanna Alkaf

This was a harrowing read. Set in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia during the 1969 Malay-Chinese race riots, sixteen-year-old Melati has OCD, or what she understands as a djinn living inside her that forces her to obsessively count in order to keep her mom alive, a secret she tries to hide so people don’t think she’s possessed. When the race riots break out across the city, Melati has to make her way through the violence in the streets in order to find her mom, all while battling the djinn as its power increases in the chaos. I repeat, this book was brutal. The descriptions of Melati’s OCD alone make it a tense, taxing read - combine it with the violence and unpredictability of the race riots and all the threats to Melati’s safety and her ever-growing fear for her mom and it’s a lot. Even so (perhaps because) I could not put this book down. The recreation of this part of history (which I had no clue of before and knew nothing about) was both immersive and informative, the story was deftly plotted, and I loved how Melati’s characterization and her relationship/the depiction of her OCD and how it specifically affects her in her particular circumstances. 

Jade War by Fonda Lee

CLEAN BLADE CLEAN BLADE CLEAN BLADE

*ahem*

The second book of the Green Bone Saga was even better than the first. It took the story of the Kaul family and the No Peak clan and the worldbuilding of Jade City and turned everything up to eleven, expanding the story beyond Kekon into the global theater, particularly Espenia, bringing into the picture Kekonse immigration, diaspora, assimilation, and cultural heritage - what it means to be Kekonese, to be a Green Bone and carry jade and follow aisho outside of Kekon. The gang warfare between the No Peak clan and the Mountain clan spills over the domestic sphere into the international. Espenia grows more aggressive in its moves to gain control over jade at Kekon’s expense. It’s family loyalties and betrayals, it’s gang politics and warfare, it’s community, municipal, national, and international politics and culture clashes, and the changing world of being a Green Bone and wearing jade in a post-colonial world. Anyone who’s followed me this year because of Peaky Blinders - READ JADE CITY AND JADE WAR. YOU WILL LIKE THESE BOOKS I PROMISE.

Hexarchate Stories by Yoon Ha Lee

With this short story collection, Yoon Ha Lee has not only successfully published fan fiction of his own work in the Hexarchate universe and is getting paid for it, he’s published good fanfiction. The cute Cheris and Jedao backstory pieces of flash fiction he first published on his website are drabbles. One of the original pieces in this collection is straight-up PWP. (How the hell Solaris agreed to it I have no idea, there is literally no plot.) The very last story (also original) is fix-it fic for Revenant Gun that left me kicking and screaming over the CLIFFHANGER that Yoon Ha Lee ended it on HOW DARE YOU I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT CHERIS AND JEDAO ARE GOING TO DO NEXT YOU BETTER BE WRITING MORE STORIES SET IN THIS AU TIMELINE. In sum, Yoon Ha Lee is a delight, I love him, and I loved this collection.

The Deep by Rivers Solomon

A novella about the weight of history, especially painful, traumatic history, and the necessity and yearning for it when you don’t have it. To be forced to bear the burden of history alone is to be crushed and subsumed by it. To lose or become detached from it is to lose connection to the people you’re from. Either way, it is difficult to impossible to maintain a people’s history alone. Rivers Solomon is such a poetic writer with her prose, painting beautiful images with just the right collection and arrangement of words, all while packing an astutely aimed punch in 160 pages.

Ninth House by Leigh Bardugo

I had some issues with how convenient some of the magic/magical artifacts felt, and the various threads of the murder plot didn’t tie up as nicely as I wanted, but oh, Alex Stern is a marvel - a survivor in every sense of the word who embraces that part of herself over and over, even as what being a survivor means changes for Alex over the course of the book. A dark/contemporary urban fantasy set at Yale where the university’s elite student societies are also magical societies— Alex is a dropout who got into drugs as a teenager in order to shield herself from the ghosts she can’t stop seeing, recruited to act as overseer of the societies’ magical rituals, and who takes it upon herself to investigate the murder of a young woman not too different than herself. The centrality of power and its abuse in this book is delicious, the read is gripping, and Alex is worth the price of admission. Yes, I will be reading the second book when it comes out.

(Also, this is literally the second book I’ve ever read that makes any mention or inclusion of Ladino (both Alex and Leigh Bardugo are Sephardi.))

Honorable Mentions

Finding Baba Yaga by Jane Yolen

King of Scars by Leigh Bardugo

How Long ‘til Black Future Month? by N. K. Jemisin

Our Year of Maybe by Rachel Lynn Solomon

Dragon Pearl by Yoon Ha Lee

The Boneless Mercies by April Genevieve Tucholke

The Best American Science Fiction and Fantasy 2018 edited by N. K. Jemisin and John Joseph Adams

The Calculating Stars by Mary Robinette Kowal

Amnesty by Lara Elena Donnelly

Storm of Locusts by Rebecca Roanhorse

Let Me Hear a Rhyme by Tiffany D. Jackson

The Monster of Elendhaven by Jennifer Giesbrecht

Pet by Akwaeke Emezi

Gideon the Ninth by Tamsyn Muir

It’s also been my practice over the past few years when making these posts to crunch the numbers regarding the number of books I’ve read by PoC authors. This year I read a total of 30 books, which is the exact same number as last year, but since I read fewer books this year, they accounted for 47 percent of my reading, compared to last year’s 43 percent. My goal since I started has been to get to 50-50 parity between PoC and white authors, and this year’s the second-closest I got (I reached 48 percent in 2017.) The goal for next year is once again 50-50.

[morganapengdragon]

An English guide to fanfic 1

So I've read a lot of fic set in England lately, by writers who don't have anyone to 'brit pick' what they've written. But everyone deserves to be able to write stuff set in this hellhole of a country so if you don't have/want a brit picker but still want some general advice I'm gonna make a series of posts which might help with making your fic sound a little more natural. I'm gonna start with education because that's the one I've seen people have most problems with.

This is a long post so be warned

Education

There are 3 main parts of the school system (for comprehensive schools in England, I know it's different for rich people and people in Scotland/Ireland/Wales).

Primary school:

Primary school spans ages 4-11 and the years are

Reception: ages 4-5

Year 1: ages 5-6

Year 2: ages 6-7 (some schools make a split after this point, with the younger years referred to as 'infant' school and the older years referred to as 'junior' school)

Year 3: 7-8

Year 4: 8-9

Year 5: 9-10

Year 6: 10-11

A couple of information tidbits:

A lot of schools teach sex education in year 5 and 6. They tell you what sex is and what periods are. The year is split into boys and girls. They don't really talk about gay people, trans people or contraception.

It's not very common now but some schools will do a SATS exam in year 6. The grades go from 1-5 with 5 being the highest. They mean nothing but we all used to get stressed about them anyway.

Kids can also choose to do an 11+ exam if they want to go to grammar school. I never did it so I can't help you there. Some places in the country put more emphasis on the importance of grammar school than others (looking @@@ Kent) and some places don't have any grammar school at all.

Hard hitting insults when I was a kid were things like 'nerd' and 'weird'. We don't really use 'geek' much. 'Damn' and 'hell' aren't swear words here and kids will sometimes say them.

Most primary schools have uniforms

Secondary school:

Secondary school ages are 11-16 and the years are

Year 7: 11-12

Year 8: 12-13

Year 9: 13-14

Year 10: 14-15

Year 11: 15-16

There are 4 MAIN types of secondary school (afaik)

Comprehensive schools (like the one I went to) are your standard school. You just kind of have to live close to it to get in.

Grammar schools work kind of like comps but you have to pass the 11+ exam. Not everyone takes this exam (I never did, my closest grammar school is fuck off miles away). Apparently you get a better education there or something. Idk man but they like to make fun of the local comprehensives.

Private/public school. You have to pay to go to these types of school. I don't really know the ACTUAL difference between private and public but from what I can tell, public is more expensive and fancier. I think their version of primary school is called prep school?? All of the years work differently and every time a public school kid tries to tell me something about their education its gets more confusing. Rich people.

Boarding school. This is basically a private school but you live there and it costs more money than all of my possessions put together. There are quite a few, with some of the most famous being Eton, Harrow, Winchester etc. They are usually either all boys or all girls schools (those three are all boys schools). Rich people.

More detailed infos:

Year 7-9 is referred to as 'lower school' with 10 and 11 being 'upper school'

The exams taken in year 11 are usually GCSEs. These used to be called O-levels for some reason and lots of older people will sometimes call them that by mistake.

Kids choose which GCSEs they want to do at the end of year 9, and start learning the material in year 10.

Maths, science and English are all compulsory and make up 5/6 GCSEs (one maths, two English, two or three science).

Most people do about 10 and can pick from all of the other subjects what they want to do.

We don't really have a 'locker room' culture????

It's quite common for people to go to all girls or all boys schools.

Schools here are nowhere near as big as American schools. We probably won't have high budget theaters or particularly large sports areas.

I've never heard anyone talk about 'funding'???? Just assume nothing is funded, arts and sports alike. We do lots of fundraisers for anything expensive like rugby tours or school productions.

We still have that weird culture thing where like if you're smart then you can't be popular or play sports???? Strange.

Sitting at a specific table at lunch time isn't really a thing. Actually most people brought lunch from home and then would just sit somewhere outside. A lot of the buildings would be closed during breaks.

Not many people really drive to school.

Sixth form/college

After you finish secondary school most people go into either college or sixth form (or a sixth form college). Years are

Age 16-17: sometimes called year 12, sometimes called lower sixth, sometimes called first year

Age 17-18: year 13, upper sixth, second year

Sixth form:

Some schools have an attached sixth form. A variation of the school uniform is often worn, or students will be asked to wear smart clothing or something

There are also sixth form colleges which are a bit more informal, less of a school environment. Students usually tend to wear their own clothes and call teachers by their first names. They're usually viewed as well.

The qualifications earned at the end of year 12 are called AS levels. They count partially towards your final A level grade. Students usually do 4 and drop one at the end of the year. You can do more if you want tho (I did five and died). You can do whatever subjects you want. Like. Literally nothing is compulsory. You wanna do art, music, dance and anthropology? Fuck it why not?

The highest AS grade is an A. B and C is a pass. D and E are fail marks. U stands for ungradable i.e you got so few marks that your exam isn't even worth a grade.

At the end of year 13 you do A levels. You need 3 to get into uni. Some people do 4. They always regret it.

Grades for A levels are the same as AS but they go up to an A*.

Some schools do a thing called the International baccalaureate. I don't understand what it is and frankly it scares me. I don't know how it's graded or what you need for uni. It's a mystery.

Sixth forms can be comp/grammar/Private/boarding same as secondary school.

College:

You can do a bunch of different types of qualifications. Most popular are usually B-Techs and Diplomas.

You usually only study one subject as opposed to four.

From what I gather, the point in doing a B tech is it's more practical and less theoretical and aims to help you get the skills necessary to go straight into the work force.

Unis kind of have to evaluate B-techs fairly, but they don't like them.

Nobody thinks very highly of B-Techs unfortunately bc they're considered to be less academic and easier. Idk if that's the case but there you go. People will sometimes refer to shit versions of other things as 'B-Tech'. For example, Pepsi is just B-Tech Coca Cola. Boris Johnson is a B-Tech Donald Trump.

I know nothing about the grading system for either of these qualifications im sorry.

In a sixth form college there will be people doing A levels and also people doing B techs all in the same building.

University:

I won't go too much into detail but basically you get a degree at the end of it and degrees usually take 3 years to complete. Years are first year, second year, third year etc.

Some courses are longer and some people will do a year in industry in their third year, making their overall degree time 4 years.

Tuition is currently £9,250 per year. I have never met anyone who hasn't gotten a loan for this.

Most people also apply for a maintenance loan. You get money proportional to your family income. The highest is about £8,500 per year. Idk what the lowest is. Some people choose not to take out this loan and their parents give them financial support instead.

The pay back plan for these loans is super lenient, doesn't affect your credit score and is wiped clean after 35 years. Most students think of their loan as more of a tax than a debt (tho we all still cry about it).

People don't live in dorms. We call them halls of residence (or halls for short).

Most people don't live in halls after first year, they leave and find shared housing.

Most halls aren't catered.

Most halls don't have shared rooms.

Because we study so few subjects at A level, we do have this system in the UK where you take a bunch of different unrelated subjects in your first year and then decide on your major later. Instead you apply for a programme already knowing your major. So when I applied to university I applied to the BA French and German Linguistic Studies course at a number of universities.

Different courses have different entry requirements. So it's easier to get into uni to study History than it is to study Maths.

Each 'class' is referred to as a module, and all of your modules are usually related to your main degree title.

Stereotypically STEM students think that humanities students are dumb. Humanities students think STEM students are arseholes who don't know how to read so if you wanna have that kinda jock/nerd type rivalry but in uni then humanities/STEM is quite a good one.

We call all of our lecturers by their first names. Sometimes we go to the pub with them. I watched a documentary about gay porn with one of them. It's chill.

I've never seen anyone show up to a lecture in pyjamas. People would think it's weird.

We refer to clubs as 'societies'. I love being part of the Musical Theatre Society. It's sounds so much more impressive than club.

The English version of Ivy League is Russel Group. The most prestigious Unis outside of Oxford and Cambridge tend to be: Durham, St Andrews (Scotland), Imperial, LSE and Warwick.

Slang and Groups

We don't really use the word 'jock'. In my school we called those guys the 'Rugby Lads' because they all played rugby.

We don't really use the word preppy/peppy whatever because I literally don't know anybody who is like that.

Try 'Drama kids' instead of Theater kids.

The kids who do drugs and don't come to school are called road men. Even the girls. To do road is to deal drugs but you don't really hear people say that much.

If we can't be bothered to say a teachers full title we will usually call them 'sir' or 'miss' but not really ma'am.

'Hall Pass' isn't a thing.

Our school did have prefects but fuck if I know who they were. They didn't really have any extra responsibility or power.

School uniforms are a thing in most schools. The things people did to make themselves seem cool were things like rolling their skirts up super short, wearing the rugby ties on match days, trying to get away with shoes that don't TECHNICALLY break the rules but are deffo not allowed, wearing as much make up as they could get away with, without teachers noticing. Our school was p strict on uniform tho in comparison with a lot of schools in my area.

If your accent doesn't fit the standard for your area it will affect you in some way (depending on your accent).

Homeroom is called registration

Gym is sometimes called the sports hall

People don't really go to school matches unless they're dating sb bc we don't have bleachers.

Home ecenomics was called Food Tech and Textiles in my school

Woodshop or whatever is called DT (design and technology)

People don't get as involved in extracurriculars in school (but they do at uni).

We DO have houses and we get points given to out houses like in Harry Potter but unlike Harry Potter literally nobody gives a fuck. In my school they added a whole new house and moved everyone into new houses and literally nobody noticed and nothing changed.

There is a BIG difference between comp schools and all of the other kinds in terms of culture. I didn't know this until I went to uni and started joking about the time some kid started throwing chairs in RE (religious education) or when so and so tried to set our French teacher on fire and literally all of the grammar school kids were like O.O WTF.

Slang and school culture will also vary a lot depending on where you live. I live in East London which is not a very well off area but it IS in london so my experiences would match with that.

Everything is completely different in Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland so like.... Sorry.

[nathylpartro1987-blog]

Shane definitely gets some controversy because of the people who he chooses to cover in his series videos, but I have to respectfully disagree about him having more haters now. I not sure how long you watched him, but back when he used to make skits, his "shock value" humor caused a lot of people to be offended and disgusted. Hell, even now those videos keep coming back to bite him. A lot of the characters were useless. I felt the same way Son Oh Gong did when he said they could gotten rid of zombie so much earlier on. The plot was slow and dragged with all the fillers of banter (extreme fanfiction feels). If people keep yelling stuff at me im gonna find a fallacy or two in there for sure, am i then gonna prance around like im the 속초출장샵 man and am fully in the right with my beliefs? No, you point that out to the person youre arguing with to counter his point. Youre not winning any debates by just pointing out others mistakes, there needs to be some input of your own. This is my problem with the guy, if he wants to point out a fallacy in 속초출장샵 someones reasoning be my guest but if thats all you can do you might as well not be part of the conversation.. You missed what they were saying entirely. As /u/Mushroomer said, it the franchises that got abandoned, not individual titles. And more to OP point, they abandoned those franchises and replaced with them with (arguably) nothing of value. The problem with Viren and Harrow is that they are too extreme and believe there is only one right ideology. Everything requires balance, there are times you need to forceful and imbue fear while other times you need to be patient and understanding. For example, Viren could've been more patient and try to convince the pentarchy while Harrow could've understood that his life was worth more than any guard because Katolis needs a leader.. Science should be objective but really a company can pay for research that says whatever they want. The tobacco industry paid for several studies that said cigarettes were safe. Should we trust them? proper peer reviews of research doesn get done, and research is almost never repeated to verify it accurate. I can think of more repugnant perversion of God will than that.Dan Carlin, among others, points out that we modern people have romanticized warfare when in reality it was much more awful, even by modern standards.People killed by a bomb or shot by a gun often die instantly, but in ancient times, that was rarely the case. You would be standing in mud, created from ungodly amounts of blood on the ground, surrounded by corpses, limbs, and the screams and wails of dying soldiers. Above the screams, there the pounding of footsteps and horses. If you telling the truth though, congrats on the little one. I got a 5 1/2 month old daughter, my wife and I talk about how it stupid that we pay for cable and Netflix because we spend way more time just watching her exist nowadays. It really is amazing seeing her grow and develop a little personality. Some are lost causes, for sure. My friend's dad has had "I don't believe the liberal media" bumper stickers on all their family cars they ever owned, since at least 1990 when I could start to read. I asked my parents what it means and they probably had to try not to burst out laughing explaining it to a 5 year old.

[vaguely-concerned]

Some Uncharted 3 feels

- My sister and I just finished up Uncharted 3: Drake’s Deception, and let me tell you… she chose the perfect fucking game to introduce me to the series because a) parental substitute stories are my ultimate narrative Jam and I will eat it up with not one spoon, not two spoons, but every spoon made available to me, b) the early parts of the game with Chloe and Charlie are  g e n i u s  and I loved all these treasure hunting weirdos (Charlie’s interspersed British History info dump while Nate was doing his own Francis Drake info dump was golden) and c) the moment I had to control tiny little bb Nate scrambling over the rooftops every protective instinct rose up in me and I adopted him as my son. He just feels so vulnerable in this one, even as an adult, I want to slap Marlowe’s filthy British gaslighting hands away from him and keep him safe. (‘Sullly hasn’t come back for you yet’ how D A R E you monster)

- I feel a deep eternal spiritual connection with Sully, because we both took one look at this disaster child and went ‘...well nothing for it I must now protect him for as long as I live’. (There were frequently hilarious moments when I was cottoning on to what kind of insane leap the game/Nathan ‘No Trace Of Impulse Control’ Drake wanted me to do next and I was like ‘oh no… no baby child you’ll break your neck I hate this’ and one second later Sully would be like ‘...you sure about this, kid’ and I was like ‘THANK YOU SULLY THIS IS MADNESS’ and then of course Nate would do it anyway while I turned my head so I wouldn’t have to look at the craziness I had wrought with the dual shock controller)

- It’s perfectly understandable why Nate marries Elena in the end and I am very happy for them, but with all objective truth in the universe we must all come to accept that no one in this game is more Marriage Material than Salim. Always there with a freakishly durable horse and a perfectly timed rescue to sweep you off your feet — literally, because you’re an idiot who routinely jumps from your horse onto trucks at breakneck speed and yet he lets you sit behind him on his horse until you find yours again; a Gentleman. Beautiful eyes. Excellent sense of dramatic timing, maybe good hair under the coverings, could immediately feel the cosmic vibrations of hurt puppy, I-am-doing-the-best-I-can-I-swear-everything-just-keeps-happening-to-me energy around Nathan Drake and chose to protect him… truly, the perfect man.  

- I sort of got the thing they tried to do at the end with the Talbot/Marlowe bond mirrored with the Nate/Sully one, but I feel like it would have been better if it was built up more before they reach the city? Like at this point your distaste for Talbot is so strong that you’re like ‘well GOOD your mother figure sucked anyway, choke on quicksand assbutt’, and it could have been more gutting if he was just a tiny bit more likeable. Marlowe had some really good indirect characterization going on though, like the fact that after twenty years she STILL hasn’t figured out that the reason Sully suddenly ‘stabbed her in the back’ was that she fucking hit a kid in the face in front of him. (It wasn’t subtle, Katherine, he’s standing there like D: D: D: right behind you)

- GOD the damn shipyard stuff dragged on FOREVER and for no narrative reward whatsoever — if you think about it it could literally be removed from the game completely and… nothing at all would change except Nate would maybe have a few more ribs still intact — and also the gameplay was tiring, but it was tremendously effective in making you feel what Nate feels and so I forgive it. I felt fucking harrowed by the time he wakes up on that beach, enough so that I didn’t even bother to go ‘uh. Sure. sure he washed ashore safely from what looked very much like the open ocean. That’s… likely’. I was just happy he was okay. Ssssh it’s psychological storytelling okay let’s not question it. Also being on a sinking cruise ship was admittedly some of the coolest level design I’ve ever seen, so there’s that.

- On an unrelated note I wonder what the hell Marlowe was paying her goons for them to keep trying to murder me after their employer had set fire to the chateau with them still inside it with no way out and while a plane was getting torn to pieces around them. That’s dedication, I’m actually impressed.

- No one wears a henley shirt quite like Nathan Drake. Like my feelings for him are more parental than anything but damn that boy sure knows how to pull off a Look.

- Talking about parental feelings, who else melts every time he starts expounding on a special interest? He’s such a ditz about everything else and yet… is it English renaissance and/or connected to Francis Drake in even the vaguest possible way? My boy will talk your ear off about it. God bless this ADHD poster child.

- They really did some cool things with his characterization otherwise too — this game feels a little like a coming of age story, despite the fact that he’s like… thirty five, because there’s this childlike quality to him, that slight manic brittleness of an abandoned, hurt child that is both tremendously endearing and slightly unsettling. (He… kills a lot of people in this game, u guise, and while most of it is made out to be basically self defense he, uh, doesn’t seem all that broken up about it) Marlowe revealing his real backstory so off-handedly and leaving you to puzzle together the fact that he has made himself into his own escapist character worked so well and might have hit me even harder if I’d played the first two. From how strongly he reacts to Elena’s comments about it he must realize on some level that Sully is getting older and that would trigger that fear that he’s going to leave the Adventure and by extension him behind, taking the one stable thing he’s had in his life since he was like fifteen away. (Thank you, Sully, for staying alive like a champ even though you’re the resident mentor and Nate’s terrified imagination murdered you like… four times in this game, this is the kind of dedication and survivability I like to see in a father figure)

I love that in the end what lets him heal is feeling safe in the fact that these people love him and won’t leave him even though he’s pulling the most insane shit and that is all that hole in him he tried to fill with adrenaline and Adventure really needed and he can let go enough to have real emotional closeness. Aaaand also he needed to sink a fucking city into the sand in the process b/c of who he is as a person, I guess. Let me reiterate: god bless him.  

-  Most difficult parts: when they try to make you shoot hallucination!Sully (I’m such a wimp, I couldn’t lol) and when you have to fight Charlie. I failed that fight thrice because I didn’t want to hit him back. Also when they make you think Charlie’s about to die, that was straight up mean

- “*deep sigh* This is why we can’t have nice things” I am Sully and Sully is me. Really though, that man is the true hero of this story. He’s been saying ‘Careful Nate’ and ‘Nate find another way so you won’t fucking die’ and ‘HOLY SHIT KID’ for twenty years and it has never worked and yet he still tries. Inspiring.

- The voice acting was amazing — I have never understood the hype around Nolan North before, he’s just everywhere in games, it would be like noticing the presence of air, but then I heard the way his voice went tiny when he said ‘Sully?’ and everything inside me went !!!!!

I get it now

- My one real complaint: I hope whoever’s responsible for all the ‘running towards the floaty camera’ scenes steps on one Lego annually for the next decade, those parts took years off my life  

- Marlowe is a class act on the good old Villain Stuff — I burst out laughing when it turned out she was a member of an ~*ancient secret society*~ because… of course. Of COURSE she is — and I deeply respect that. Quoting T. S. Eliot at you while you’re dying in the desert? They just don’t make ‘em like that anymore, guys.

- This game is the ultimate proof that if you successfully create emotional connection with the characters, your plot can be as openly silly and full of holes as you like and people will roll with it. I mean that ending made no sense whatsoever but I was too busy whimpering through Nate’s hallucination panic attack thingy to care and that is… no one should have that kind of power, Naughty Dog, why u hurt me this way and make me forget what logic is

- Most brilliantly funny and understated moment: baby Nate casually reaching out for Sully’s beer and Sully being like ‘lol no kid’ in the most knowing, already fond way. The physical acting in these games is just phenomenal, which I guess is the upside of all the mocap stuff? (also makes sure they’re quite short and streamlined tho ha ha)

- We got ‘The Lost Legacy’ with the PS4 too so I’m going to start that — I think I will miss Nate but I also love Chloe and her cynical yet caring ass with the passion of a thousand suns so it’ll be okay ha ha  

[unlikely-course]

ugh I have just so very many emotions!!!! Other people have already said this but I, too, had a few harrowing treatment of Danny Lawrence flashbacks during this ep re: Nicole, but I also feel like it isn’t meant to be that way/isn’t gonna end that way. I mean obviously Nicole did a dumb and Wave has every right to be angry but I feel like the ep was pretty explicit that part of Waverly’s vehemence was tied up with a general feeling of betrayal and instability in her life from the results themselves, and was pretty much them giving themselves enough slack to swing the Rosita kiss. As in, despite the “control freak” I do think we’re meant to view Nicole’s transgressions as singular and fixable rather than an incompatible, endemic pattern of behavior.

As for the kiss itself like uh....uh....uh shit u guys in a vacuum that was very cute, what with Rosita’s whole champagne bubbles/imperfections speech. But I really hate these kind of plotlines with a passion, and I’m not sure at all what they’re going for (the answer, I suspect, is once again nothing particular, this being one more thing to keep the show churning with just Things Happening left and right) and I wish they’d dealt with Wayhaught’s (perfectly suitable to begin with) problem neatly and directly, and I don’t appreciate any disservice they might do to Rosita in this arena bc I like her a lot. And they are disservice-ing her all over the place, what with the whole Doc situation.

Like, how does Rosita feel about the kiss, really? The episode was very coy about this, and you know they are about as subtle as a brick wall. Her conduct in her and Waverly’s final drink together and Rosita being firm about Waverly reconciling with Nicole gave me a lil pause, bc it could be them putting this to bed (impossible, they put nothing to bed if they can help it) or Rosita being suspiciously noble. I really couldn’t bear for them to build this up to a Rosita pining after Waverly but bravely stepping aside, bc dude that’s just so unfair. I would like Waverly and Rosita to be able to hang out and talk about science and magic and be supportive of each other and I would like it to not be weird (and I would someday like Nicole and Rosita to have a positive relationship), but I don’t know what WE is doing here???

Also goddamn would it kill them to let Wayhaught have a real conversation. I always suspected that Andras didn’t really Get why people freaked out over the sheriff’s office scene--it was because it was a fantastic conversation. Okay, admittedly that particular one was a tad one-sided, bc it was mostly Waverly’s speech, but that was an exceptional speech, and more importantly? Waverly choosing to talk to Nicole about her dreams as an establishing factor in the relationship was the thing that told us that most about how she felt, bc we had spent all season learning how Waverly usually didn’t talk about those things or pushed them aside for others. The kissing was just icing.

It’s like the “baby” thing. We flipped over Nicole calling Waverly “baby” in S1 bc it was a sign of intimacy during a period in which their fledgling relationship was happening mostly offscreen and exactly how it was developing was nebulous. This season they call each other “baby” with every other breath, which isn’t necessarily bad--they could totally just be Those Grossos--but just kind of says to me that WE is spamming something that got a reaction without understanding why, particularly in the absence of something more substantial.

[attina-the-responsible]

How to Deal with the Aftermath According to Mermaids ~*~ [Mersisters]

In which the sisters check in...

@andrina-the-amazingsupergenius, @aquata-the-bold, @alana-the-badbitch, @ariel-the-rebellious

[tw -- mentions of murder and horrible stuff like that, ptsd, some gore, etc etc]

Andrina so how long until i can make hell puns

Aquata go for it, just start them now Aquata for real though, is everyone good?

Alana just dandy

Attina mhm mhm

Alana the real question is how is andrina Alana how was married life

Andrina god thank u i was waiting for someone to ask Andrina its not like i was MARRIED TO AL MCWIGGIN OR ANYTHING Andrina imagine being married to a WOW avatar Andrina thats what it was like

Attina don't they normally have nice bodies?

Alana Hey dad bods are in

Andrina im not even talking about the body im talking about how they talk and think and act and hammer at swords Andrina i swear it was like i was transported into an episode of Game of Thrones

Attina sounds harrowing

Ariel Do we have to talk about it?

Alana I want all the nitty gritty mcwiggin sex details

Andrina well we could shove it down for years until we all start manifesting split personalities and other mental disorders

Attina honestly,

Andrina u know like we did with mom lmao

Attina we don't have disorders. or split personalities.

Ariel Please don't talk about Mom.

Aquata sure we don't

Alana we r all dandy Alana that's my word of the week

Andrina i didnt talk about mom i mentioned her off hand as an example Andrina im all set to talk about how great i looked in that toga Andrina or honestly alana did you tap that

Attina andrina.

Andrina WHAT its an honest question Andrina if im gonna talk about mcwiggin i want Hot Daddy Ginger details

Alana duh

Attina alana! how /old/ is that man?

Alana idk it didnt come up Alana your age lol? Alana he was my husband, atty we were in love~~

Andrina mcwiggin's older than me i think

Attina were you in love? like--other you?

Alana other me was sold off because it was a good match Alana and she enjoyed the lavish lifestyle and the hot dude idk man

Andrina you know what i should have asked

Alana real me was like oh man what if im stuck here might as well have fun Alana carpet matches the drapes yes

Andrina how much they paid for me Andrina really?? im insatiably curious

Ariel They didn't really pay for us. I mean, not real them

Alana al was p rich you mustve been a catch

Andrina yeah i wanna know how many goats/bags of wheat/coins i went for Andrina do you think al knows Andrina do u think if i text him it would be weird Andrina "hi how much did u pay for me"

Alana no do it Alana i bet you were at least two goats

Attina it wasn't even our husbands who paid, it was their owners Attina GOD owners.

Andrina wow two whole goats, how many meals can u get outta goats Andrina omg guys my master was quite fit actually he was A Big Deal

Alana ider who mine were--uh Alana lmaoo #awkward

Ariel He didn't own you. It wasn't real. Dash wouldn't want to own anybody, and his family wouldn't either Ariel It was all like a bad dream I just Ariel want to forget it

Attina [unsent] well maybe if you hadn't RAN AWAY you would've been FINE

Alana did howl throw a party too big Alana i heard it was a rager Alana wouldve gone if Ginger Daddy and i didnt have other evening plans

Andrina ariel couldn't you have just had some of that water then? Andrina seriously i have some if you want it

Ariel I don't... I don't know. I want to forget but... I don't want to forget all of it. I have some water too, just in case, but... I really don't know. I don't want to be like you said. I don't want to repress it again.

Alana what are u repressing was this that bad Alana i mean the escort thing was hella annoying

Ariel I don't want to talk about it.

Andrina ariel, i get that, i do but-- you realize that is repressing it too right?

Aquata then why keep bringing it up

Alana ^^

Ariel I don't know. I don't know what to do. I don't want to talk about it and I want to forget it but I don't want to forget everything because that's not going to help either I just didn't realize thinking about Mom would hurt this much Ariel I'm sorry

Andrina well i think we should all talk about it then. rip it off like a bandaid

Ariel I didn't know I would see her down there Ariel I didn't know I would see

Alana you didnt know you would see our dead mum in the land of the dead

Aquata ....

Ariel I didn't think I would watch her die.

Alana [unsent] lmao same tho but not mum ok woops nope Alana it was one of the Alana idk underworld things

Ariel Over and over again and I couldn't stop it.

Alana they play tricks on you so ive heard in the gossip train

Andrina oh right like it wasnt real it wasnt how she actually died

Ariel But what if it was? Ariel It was so awful Ariel It's all I can see, just replaying and replaying over and over

Aquata then drink the water

Alana yeah jeez Alana no point in being noble if you cant lift your own head up

Ariel But then I'll forget the good things, too.

Andrina how about you tell us all the good things?

Alana such as,,

Ariel The good things that happened and all the good stuff I remembered.

Andrina you write them down for yourself

Alana very detailed

Andrina then you'll still have them. you can remind yourself and we can tell you that its real

Ariel But can you tell me how it felt? All those memories with Jim being so nice to me and helping me and playing with me when we were younger and telling me that he would keep me safe? Ariel Can you tell me about how Jim was there for me every step of the way? Ariel How can you explain how good of a person he was to me if you can't tell me about seeing Mom's death?

Aquata holy shit it was a fake life you know him in real life, right? you know what hes like already

Alana look kiddo, that's the stuff you gotta let go of because that was some fake mumbo jumbo past that we all got stuck with

Andrina That's why you write it all down and you tell yourself. Andrina and honestly yeah-- that isnt the real jim and you should like jim for jim, not for fake jim.

Ariel But it was real Jim that was there with me in hell

Aquata i was engaged but whatever

Ariel I mean - it was Pleiades too, but it was also Jim

Aquata HOLY SHIT NO IT WASNT Aquata IT Aquata WAS Aquata FAKE

Alana yah thank god or andrina and al would be banging

Aquata that crazy bitch created it. it wasnt real. end of story.

Andrina the horror, the horror,

Ariel Jim being with me in hell wasn't FAKE, it was REAL. I was there. I saw it and felt it all, and so did he. The past lives may have been fake but what we went through was REAL

Andrina Seriously-- I think you should write down the stuff that you like then. I do. Jim will understand that the other stuff is just too painful to death with right now. He'd want you to be okay, Ariel, however you need to be okay.

Alana ariel i have no bloody idea what you want us to tell you that andrina has not repeated ten times now

Aquata then do what andy said, write down the good memories, and drink the damn water because you cant complain about the bad and then immediately not want to forget the good

Alana atty where r u we need parental guidance

Andrina ok chill out aquata she can complain if she wants Andrina we dont need atty to be decent fucking sisters

Alana she listens to atty

Ariel It's okay, nevermind. I shouldn't have said anything. Just forget it

Alana so i think itll mean more coming from her Alana fineee just trying to help

Andrina Ariel, it's not okay. Look, if you don't want to forget about it, then thats' fine. If you want to like, talk about it and stuff, we should talk about it. I joke but yeah it wasnt exactly fun not knowing where my sisters were and watching daily executions by some whacked out nutjob

Andrina so you can talk to me ok

Ariel I just want to know how you guys have done this for so long

Alana done what

Attina Look, everyone. Nothing about this experience was something anyone has gone through before. Which means we have no idea how to deal with it and YELLING at each other isn't the way to fix it. We need to be patient and understanding towards one another. Ariel, I'm so sorry about what you went through. But, you have to realize that you hurt us by LEAVING. You didn't tell anyone where you were. I thought you were dead. Daddy thought you were dead. I thought I'd lost you and I don't know exactly what went on for you but for a good twelve hours, all /I/ could see was /you/ dying over and over in a thousand different ways. We need to come /together/, and be open and willing to talk to each other during times like this. Otherwise we'll just splinter apart, and I know none of you want that.

Alana oh there u r

Ariel I thought I was doing the right thing. Not telling anyone I was going. I didn't want anyone to worry. I just wanted to go and save everyone, but I couldn't

Attina No. You couldn't. Because we're supposed to make these decisions /together/ as a family. We're weak apart.

Aquata we're not weak

Ariel I don't believe that

Alana whoa okay speak for yourself Alana that was for atty not u ariel

Andrina look im just so glad that you're okay and im proud of you for trying ariel. we shouldn't be talking about any of this over text though

Attina and this is exactly why all of you get into trouble!

Ariel I don't know how else to talk about it Ariel No one ever does

Andrina well that means we can't do it wrong huh? we'll all just kinda fumble it up together but at least we'll be in the same room

Ariel If I get into trouble for trying to save you all, then I'm fine with that!

Alana better get into trouble than be boring

Attina I'd rather be boring and alive than whatever you think you're being and /dead/.

Alana im not sure who youre yelling at here because im not the one who ran off into the land of the dead Alana theres a difference between oh lana broke curfew and oh ariel and kid hero jim hawkins decide to save the world

Andrina can we like not yell at each other at all how about that Andrina whats done is done

Ariel If Attina would stop pretending she knows everything, maybe there wouldn't be any yelling

Aquata holy shit

Alana i think you scared her off ariel

Andrina i hereby move to wipe this text history and start over Andrina who seconds my motion

Ariel I didn't want to scare her off, she just was talking like I didn't know what I was doing

Attina I don't think I know everything, but I know not to run off to HELL to try to save the world on some selfish delusion of grandeur.

Ariel I knew what I was doing

Alana ohp too late andy

Attina oh really, is that why you're so terrified you can barely speak?

Ariel I wasn't being SELFISH, I was trying to SAVE everyone. To save YOU. And Aquata and Alana and Andrina and Arista and Adella and Daddy and myself Ariel EVERYONE

Attina BULLSHIT ariel, we were perfectly fine.

Ariel You were SLAVES Ariel we were SLAVES Ariel people were in a JAIL in PRISON Ariel people were EXECUTED Ariel How could you even say that?

Attina THOSE PEOPLE WEREN'T /US/ THEY DON'T MATTER

Alana this isnt some YA book a 17 year old does not save the day Alana i mean realistically

Ariel Of course they matter!

Alana if you wanna do something you gotta work within your means

Ariel Why are our lives more valuable than anyone else's??

Alana cold, atty

Ariel I can't believe you would even say that!!! Ariel What if Paul had been in prison?? His life doesn't matter???

Attina not as much as yours, or any of you.

Ariel That's not right

Attina and i'm sure he'd say the same thing. his babies are more important than me to him. which is how it should be.

Andrina glad we're casually debating morals and ethics

Alana anyone want a face mask

Ariel I'm not going to apologize for doing what I thought was the right thing, for trying to help everyone

Aquata how about a shot instead

Alana im game

Attina I'll take that shot.

Andrina this reminds me of something my darling mcwiggin said to me

Attina Or two or three. Attina just give me the whole bottle.

Aquata or the whole bottle

Alana jinx now you guys cant talk till i say your name

Aquata too bad 

Alana what did mcwiggin say

Andrina nice, digital high five

Alana wow now you get 7 years of bad luck aqua :C

Andrina he said, andrina, you are the most beautiful creature i've ever seen Andrina (we'd just finished making love under the sunset) Andrina and i was like u know what al tiberius mcwiggen

Aquata shit im doomed forever

Alana that's poetic

Andrina you're right.

Attina now i need two bottles

Alana next movie night's gonna be awkward when we pick up the dvd

Aquata you need to go hit him up andy Aquata were sending you to get it

Andrina alas, it cannot be Andrina he has another lover

Ariel Maybe if she gets drunk she'll actually step off her high horse and say something that doesn't involve her knowing what's best and always being right

Aquata for fucks sake

Alana i h8 to break it to you ariel but atty has like nine years more experience of like existing in the world Alana and interacting with it

Ariel That doesn't make her right about everything

Attina Whatever, Ariel. You're the one who needs to come off your high horse. Don't come crying to me when someone knocks you off it.

Alana makes her more right when it comes to dealing with shit

Ariel I won't. You'd just yell at me, anyways. It's all you know how to do.

Alana thats not true she cleans very well

Andrina she also makes killer lemon squares

Attina Well if you weren't a brat, then I wouldn't yell at you.

Andrina probably not as delicious as the delicacies that al tiberius mcwiggin purchased for me from the market but close

Alana you gotta hit him up

Ariel I'm not being a BRAT, don't CALL me that

Andrina he has another LOVER what am i to do

Alana flash your tits Alana age old triton advice

Aquata does he /really/ though

Andrina he doesnt like me for my tits 😟 Andrina he likes me for my personality 😟

Alana gasp Alana the horror

Andrina i know tbh maybe he's gay Andrina no he's not he made wild and passionate love to me

Alana did u guys like Alana do it as yourselves

Attina Well, stop acting like one. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Andrina 69

Alana like not fake selves

Andrina corkscrew Andrina monkey Andrina koala

Alana koala

Andrina all that and more

Alana nice use of the shrug emoji, atty Alana 10/10

Ariel I am NOT acting like one! You can't keep treating me like I don't know anything and like you know everything because you DON'T. Just because you're older that doesn't make you all wise or something. In fact, most of the time you don't know what to do - you can't even flirt with a boy and you're way older than I am! Ariel So STOP being such a rude, bossy know-it-all, I'm sick of it!

Aquata ummm im pretty sure she /can/ flirt with a boy considering shes been on a couple dates with paul?

Alana ouch ariel low blow

Aquata thats neither here nor there though

Andrina oh right we also did the flying ninja Andrina his form was impeccable Andrina for such a robust man, he's graceful in the bedroom

Attina Fine, if you want me to stop babying you. FINE. Consider it done. You're officially NOT MY CONCERN.

Alana i did not need that imagery thanks

Ariel GOOD. I don't NEED to be your concern. I SHOULDN'T be.

Alana is THIS random CAPS thing something WE'RE doing NOW

Andrina hOW exCitING

Aquata can we not

Ariel You moved out. I already have to deal with Daddy. I shouldn't have to deal with you BOSSING me around and saying you know best like this. You're not Mom

Alana low blow ariel

Aquata so about that shot Aquata or bottle

Alana i can swing by ur room in 5, aqua Alana i have malibu

Aquata get here in 2 then Aquata because i need the entire bottle rn

Alana so demanding Alana omw