#i don't know how we got here

[shrillestceiling]

My friend group has somehow landed on the headcanon that Mrs. Columbo is an assassin of some sort.

[abba-enthusiast]

Discussing the first council of nicaea during dinner with the roommates. As you do

[parragone]

anyway a snippet of the brainrot this morning that's totally not tied to the a/b/o nonsense i posted earlier, no siree

yes it's poly spetsnaz [ tachanka/kapkan/glaz focused], sue me, they're easy to write

more ships will probably happen but a/b/o brainrot is real even though i intended to finish a DIFFERENT SET OF WIPS

"I hope you know that I am going to bite you if you get too close to me," Maxim griped as he peeled off his shirt. It clung in ways that gave his partners secondhand discomfort, though he looked relieved and relaxed once he was bare. The early symptoms of his heat were always uncomfortable, and it was always a difficult period to navigate.

"As if we haven't bitten each other plenty," Alexsandr remarked as he gestured to his neck, where three distinct silvered bite scars had long since settled into his skin. "A bite is no deterrent."

The hunter made a face as he balled up his shirt and tossed it at the older man, which was an attempt to both shut him up and placate him - one which, unsurprisingly, worked - as Timur opened the door to their quarters with a bag in hand. There was only one absent now, but if Maxim knew his partners, then it would stay that way.

"Shuhrat?" Maxim rolled his shoulders as he asked, braced for the worst possible answer.

"He volunteered to share space with Mark," Timur replied with a small shrug as he set the bag down on the bed. "James would have, but Mark's heat manifested as fatigue, so it wouldn't have worked out very well. Shuh offered to share a room with him since he's already touch repulsed during his rut."

Alexsandr sighed heavily, though the hunter couldn't tell if it was to indulge in his scent or due to disappointment. "Well, I suppose-"

"He also said," Timur interrupted as he got his coat off, "That he would like pictures if you are willing, and made a rather sweet suggestion to me as he left with the poor man."

Maxim froze for a moment, his hands in his hair as he processed what had been said. Shuhrat was peculiar in that he rarely had the drive for sex, but often had ideas that got him in particular fucked stupid. The last time Shuhrat had made a suggestion to Timur, Maxim had ended up barely able to remember his own name or how to say anything beyond yes and no.

Which was why he still refused to let Alexsandr have access to a vibrator, regardless of how much the man begged.

"And what suggestion was that?" He knew he'd get an answer if he just asked, and if it weren't for the fact that he knew full well he'd be a little out of his mind in a few hours, he might've left it to mystery.

"It was innocent, I promise," the sniper laughed. "Do you remember the collar Alexsandr got you a few months ago? He suggested we actually use it on you, see how well you take to being a pet."

He would be lying if he said he had forgotten. It had lingered in his drawer since the day he'd received it, simply because he'd been unsure about whether it would be safe to wear it, even in private; somehow, he was more wary of how he might behave if he slipped too deep into subspace than he was of how his partners would handle him. He cast a glance to Alexsandr and nodded in acknowledgement, only to get a shrug and smile in return.

"There is a matching leash," Alexsandr confirmed. "If you would be willing to try it."

"That and pictures, hm," Maxim muttered as he took a seat beside Alexsandr. His skin itched in ways he couldn't explain, but the presence of a trusted and rather loved alpha eased the early stages of his body's demand. The fact the older man slid his hand into Maxim's and intertwined their fingers certainly helped, even if he didn't have it in him to say so. "Sure, sure. One condition - you force me to do color checks. God knows I will be far too gone to remember to say anything if I've reached my limit."

"That, we can do." Timur nodded as he spoke, one hand in the bag on the bed. He rummaged around for a moment before he tossed a bar to the hunter, who barely glanced at the contents of the thing before he'd ripped the wrapper open to devour the contents. "Thought you would be a little hungry."

"I think that is more than a little," Alexsandr laughed softly as he squeezed the hunter's hand.

"Yeah, well, here in an hour or so I'm gonna be hungry for something else and I'll be the worst bitch on the planet if you two can't provide." Maxim shrugged, an almost smug smile on his face as he did so. "You'd better get whatever prep work you want to do done, since he wants pictures."

[multi-lefaiye]

“hey, xavier, are you spending your afternoon in a good, productive way that your parents would be proud of?” oh absolutely not, i’m currently jokingly trying to get finnegan’s credit card info

[mayasdeluca]

MAYA AND CARINA STATION 19: 7x07 'Give It All'

[a-dauntless-daffodil]

Angel Dust: "Okay! So I'm gonna need some reassurance for this shit! We have a plan for this, right?? We're not goin' in BLIND right???"

Vaggie: "Of course we-"

Angel Dust: "Aw shit sorry, I meant, COMPLETELY blind."

Vaggie: (remaining eye twitches) "Of course we have a plan. We..."

Vaggie: (@ charlie) "Babe what's the plan?"

Charlie: "Think positive act fast don't die!"

Vaggie: "Cool great I love you."

Vaggie: (@ Angel Dust) "We have no plan."

Angel Dust: "I'm not askin' you saphs for datin' advice ever again."

[dear-ao3]

Next time add a tag when you post something about Taylor Swift because seeing anything having to do with her makes me irrationally angry and I have every possible thing blocked

thank you

this also you?

[katyspersonal]

who do you think fucked up worse…gehrman or maria?

This is an interesting question, and I kind of didn't think of it before! Time to take a closer look at their crimes I guess. Some of these will be held on the possibilities and 'safe assumptions' though and addressed for the full picture!

1) Both were involved in Fishing Hamlet massacre!

With Maria, we can conclude as much because she discarded her weapons in the well at the place specifically. Her version in the Nightmare realm, a Hunter again, is supposed to be what punishes her, and she is focused on keeping Kos/OoK away from rummaging through. Considering the nature of the Nightmare, as well as the Doll who has spiritual connection with her, it should come from her guilt and regrets rather than.. I dunno, discarding the hunt over natural 'character development' and just picking a cool place to forsaken her past!

Gehrman sleeps better according to the dialogue Doll has after you kill OoK and free it's soul, so if it tortured him so, I think it is safe to say he had to be personally involved too rather than stay back while his students did the job:

They both were involved with Byrgenwerth, following their quest for obtaining the eyes of the dwellers from their skulls, and I suppose cord of OoK?

The thing about this point is that the description is written as though it was Gehrman's curiosity which ruined Maria's "idealisation" of him, or WOULD ruin it had she learned of it! This makes me wonder whether she was really involved in Byrgenwerth all that much, or whether she was aware of the real purpose of Fishing Hamlet massacre beforehand? Her goal, within the Nightmare, is stated to mercy-kill us so we don't allow that curiousity corrupt us to the point of "rummaging through corpse" and similar things, further supported by her visceral attack being an embrace if it is lethal!

I am just saying that here the balance might slightly shift towards making Gehrman 'worse' than her. Maybe she was not aware that it all was not just killing "monsters" but also a pregnant mother with her divine baby, but "well you didn't ask :/". Maybe Gehrman deceived her to use her aid. Maybe he didn't think it would be a big deal for her seeing that Maria was also interested in evolution through talking with Great Ones, and assumed she'd be just as callous about which means to accomplish the goals with?

2) Both were grave-robbing, or at least okay with that!

This one is a little less obvious, but Tomb Prospectors were not the first to go to the Chalice Dungeons! ...It were actually Willem, Dores and Gatekeeper lol:

BUT ALSO it were Old Hunters! We can see the remnants of it by Old Hunter Vitus being one the summons in Chalice Dungeons, hear Gehrman encourage us to go into the Chalice Dungeons to become stronger as via "tradition" of the Old Hunters,

and the fact that one of the things that torture Maria (again, remember that Nightmare Realm is Hell that punishes) is a Chalice:

(A video ( x ) for a better look at the Chalice from a figure)

I'd say that it is not very nice to disturb the undead Pthumerians just struggling in remains of their civilisation! Interesting thing: we can conclude they are even staying there to protect the Great Ones or their remains!

There has been some sort of civil war between ancient great-ones-respecting Pthumerians and who late became Cainhurst nobles! Maria, ironically, fell onto the side of "entitled guys" descendants! But yes, I could see why bullying zombie guys to get more history and archeology relics from them might not seem like much for her at start. Experience in the Fishing Hamlet likely retroactively ruined this period of her life for her: delving into Chalice Dungeons was likewise 'not leaving the corpse alone'. The remaining Pthumerians were right having some honour and dignity. So, that came to haunt her in the form of Pthumeru Chalice. Gehrman is.. well he's here too I guess dfshfdhs

3) Both knew a little too much about Laurence's shady business and did nothing?

Old Hunters used to be friends with Healing Church's Hunters and even had their workshops located close to one another! Gehrman was friends with Laurence and Ludwig, who are both quite strongly involved with Moon Presence (Ludwig's sword and guidance, Laurence's affiliation being known since Byrgenwerth times), as well as the key figure in creation of Hunter's Dream:

This was most likely a bait-and-switch, seeing how the cord itself is still in the real Workshop, and not in the grasp of Moon Presence (unlike, say, Wet Nurse taking Mergo's cord)! I think the purpose of creation of the Hunter's Dream was to "buy time" for the research conceived by the scientists! Remember: Gehrman was known to have "madness of curiosity" that Maria resented, or at least would resent had she known! He might have been fully aware of what Laurence wanted to do and support it! My point here, that with such proximity, he must have known of all Laurence's crimes and agreed with them!

Maria was at least overseer of the Clocktower's Research Hall, which, again, was just beta!Choir.

This last line IS a bit confusing, because it makes it sound as though the nerds looking for the Eyes Inside and the Blood Ministers got split. Laurence and Ludwig make it weird, as Moon Presence is also an Eldrich creature and Ludwig is for sure full of eyes! What also makes it strange is that Choir, and then School of Mensis, are both upper echelons of the Healing Church, but Laurence is supposed to be above both of them.

I think this can be worked with! Let's say what if Choir formed after Laurence's death, which also happened after Maria's death, and Vicars after him were somewhat "powerless" and walked over by Choir and Mensis, only leaders in the name! But that still leaves the bit that the mentioned "division" happened after Choir was formed! Maria and Adeline, however, are locked to the existence of the Research Hall, so, the timeframe when doctors and blood ministers were 100% working together! We find the Eye Pendant that opens the access to the Research Hall in Laurence's hand, and human Skull of Laurence on the platform that hides the secret elevator to that Research Hall. Again, by the Nightmare Logic, they must be connected with Laurence's sins: he started this research, or sponsored it, or was overseeing it, and so on.

This point is not an absolute thing though, because one or both of them might be freed from guilt here. Maybe Gehrman was not as informed and agreeable as we could assume and Laurence did lead him around? Maybe Maria wanted but could not do anything being caught in the web of complicated connections, blackmail and risks for the people she cared about?

4) Both are willingly involved in questionable practices (Maria with research, Gehrman with the cycle of Dream and Hunt)

This point I feel like transcends the morality a little bit, as it touches the matter of 'it is bad if you do it, but it is also bad if you DON'T do it'. I really love Soulsborne universes for having guts to say "you can't win, just pick your poison", but I think it is still worth addressing!

It is up to interpretation in which quantity Maria is involved with the Research Hall! Nothing states whether she founded it, joined in the research later, stepped in and turned the tides (ba dum tss) of the research, or simply was a caretaker/nurse/etc of the broken mess while Research Hall was getting ready for a bit of rebranding. She can be very guilty, or she can be barely guilty but in either case if that was her "redemption arc" that was a pretty bad way to go about it. ...or was it?

Fauxsefka turns people into Celestial Emissaries so they physically can't become beasts instead, and is even stated to be a hero / heroic researcher by Miyazaki:

First, I don't do Death of the Author (in terms of interpreting media I mean, not in terms of a style of writing)! Like, nope. Never. It is just not for me. Creator's word is the final for me; Fauxsefka is the good guy in the story, apparently, and it makes sense considering the fundamentally broken place characters are in! Maria has similarities with Fauxsefka: not only both of them have Cainhurst roots, but also both of them seem to favour 'Stars' line of evolution for humans!

Whereas other patients are afraid of the horrors of the Deep Sea, a concept Miyazaki could not get over well into DS3, Adeline desires them! Other patients seems to have gotten it right, and you can see one of them also clings to Maria mentally to "not drown"; Adeline "didn't understand"! The balcony that Maria wants Adeline to go to so she can forsaken the Deep Sea and seek something "happier" holds unique kind of patients who can shoot cosmic arcane spells:

Herself, Maria is associated with these lumenflowers: their petals are all over her boss arena, and the way to her lays through a much bigger batch of flowers, where Living Failures, other 'Stars' Kin are, whose song lyrics also feature lines 'ave stellar' and 'ave Maria'!

So, how this is different from what Fauxsefka is doing, who is stated to be as much of a good person as possible within this context and with the burden of her knowledge? Fauxsefka was doing more or less rinse-and-repeat practice, with maybe a few patients not surviving the procedure but we don't know what happened: maybe that person was already at the brink of death and she tried to make them live like this.

^ This guy I mean. Maria, on the other hand, is in the time period where the doctors and scientists were only testing the waters (BA DUM TSSS) (ok I will stop) and it was not SO certain what was at the stake, what were the alternatives, what was awaiting the humanity. It is even possible that the beasts problem was not yet bad to the point of "you'll either become a beast, be eaten by a beast or become a Kin, humanity is DONE for!" ! This was an unethical research at the cost of real people! The weight of Maria's sin here really depends on the interpretation, though

As for the cycle of Dream and Hunt, this is complicated and lingers on one's interpretation of what the purpose of the Dream even IS! Its existence provides two things: 1) a hunter who is immortal for the night, thus can sustain the beasts with efficiency like no other, but also effect the continuity of the night ( x ) and 2) supposed sustenance to the Great One Flora of the Moon, who holds the hunt as a concept!

I used to be a bit more set on the idea that if beasts are not sustained and hunted, they will simply overpower those who are yet humans and eat them! It is a self-feeding cycle of people needing to self-defend from beasts, thus having to consume the blood as urgent means of healing and power-up since beasts are too strong, thus risking to become beasts themselves because the blood they consumed during that hunt corrupts them. So, the Hunter's Dream would be a good thing, as it'd help to 'buy time' during nights of the hunt in which not only beasts are more active but Great Ones too! While the Dreaming Hunter holds everything together, the greatest minds of the Healing Church can efficiently study the ways to end beasthood, or ANY problem of humanity, once and for all! It is just better to throw the hunting resources on the Dream, so the scientists don't worry about the beasts and can focus on research. However, I almost forgot that:

This implies that had there not been Mensis Ritual ongoing, people WOULD have the chance to simply 'wait away' the beasthood problem. That, since Rom is not stopping Mensis Ritual but just conceals it, what really makes the inner beast within everyone who consumed the blood inevitably come out is Mergo's cry that draws the Bloodmoon close!

So yeah, the point about Hunter's Dream being helpful for the research of evolution still stands, especially under assumption that the deal with Moon Presence helped to bring more Eldrich Arcane close for "feeding" her. The point about how if the beasts are not hunted they'll simply eat everyone, though, is vague. It is safer to assume that the Hunter's Dream and Research Hall both are both example of hubris of man even if approached differently. Attempts to draw in something dangerous and horrifying, but it is "justified risk" because if you manage to 'tame' arcane/blood, sure, humanity will prosper!

Like... yeah, sure, there IS dangerous and undesireable nature of man that ruins everything and might or might not still linger in humanoids' genes after Loran. But did humanity ASK any of you guys to keep trying to fix it with so many victims and sacrifices? Like, was it WORTH it?

This point is closely tied to 'knowing Laurence's bad antics and doing nothing', yeah. Maria didn't seem to like blood ministration very much, as she disapproved of Adeline becoming a Blood Saint, but she also didn't even approve of blood antics of her own clan! I am not sure what would be her opinion on the Hunter's Dream had she lived to the point when it was created, just that she herself is not willing to ever hunt, so I am leaving this point aside. Is this just blood ministration that she opposes but proximity with a Great One Moon Presence would be something she can see the potential of? Or would she and Gehrman have a pointless cat fight about whose methods are better when they are both hubris of man? In both versions they are 'guilty'! Besides:

In the end none of THIS matters either and everyone was fooled ( x ). The blood offering is a blood offering in any way; whether it is through spilling blood violently during the hunt, or offering the blood's 'red' with how celestial Kin all bleed red. Moon doesn't care what paints it red, in the end.

___________________________________

My conclusion is: both of these characters fucked up almost equally! I think the balance shifts just a little bit and Maria is slightly better than Gehrman since she had some limitations set on how far she was willing to go. Her motivation was not in "curiosity" but strictly in helping humanity, even if in unfair ways, which is apparently not the case for Gehrman?

I'll say this though, NOW I am hooked on the idea of Maria and Gehrman being petty "rivals" ideologically (for as long as they could before Maria's own demons caught up with her). Especially since neither approach is better than the other and they are both cringe loosers! Again, lost comedy gold over Fromsoft making Gehrman's tender and warm feelings for her before and after her death plain. What is not lost, however, is the fact that the two should just kick Laurence and go home :pensive:

[redghostbirdy]

DP Prompt: Envy & Devastation Part 1

It isn't fair!

After everything he has done. After saving the whole town. Making sure they all returned back to the living world. That they were safe.

He got left behind...

That Crown had trapped him. Right by Conquest, they say. Making him the heir to the throne. Forcing him to remain in the Infinite Realms until his coronation. Until he was truly King, and bound by customs and responsibilities he doesn't care for.

When he tried to call out for help, to his friends and family beyond the portal. (All secrets be damned) Asking for them to search for a way out, anything that could free him. For a while they looked, but nothing was found, nothing could help him.

So, they thought, if Danny cannot come to us then we would go to him! They would visit him in his glorified prison, Phantom's Keep. For a period of time, they would visit him everyday, and he could almost pretend that nothing had changed. That he wasn't a soon-to-be king and that everyone that he loved lived across a whole other dimension.

Yet, everyday turned into every few a week, then once a week... then month.. year...

At this point he doesn't even remember the last time they came to see him...

Then finally Finally, he was King. He could leave the realms the moment he had a break in his schedule. When that moment came, he raced away, moving faster than he ever has and ripped a portal open when even that was taking too long. Opening up and exiting into Amity Park once again.

[vcrnons]

[ MIX & MAX ] NCT MARK & JISUNG 'Some Minds & Voices' ( for @ncteez <3 )

[qcomicsy]

I have the controversial opinion that maybe, just maybe we stop wanting to go after people with pitchforks for getting characters wrong and not reading the comics inviting them to easy and accessible ways of and making our own content with comic accurate representation

people might feel less anxious about starting comics and misinformation won't spread as easily

[here2bbtstrash]

@ my fellow white americans i suggest picking up a history book and educating yourself on our country's involvement in korea's history and the korean war before you start running your mouth about SK's military practices or saying fuck SK as a whole.... cause it's not a good look 😳

[solfinite]

hey guys i got sa2 but it looks a bit odd...

silver design in the front belongs to @frostios

[pestilentbrood]

Um. One quastion. Looking at the... everything going on with FR's lore situation right now.

W... Why haven't they hired a writer. Why don't they have a dedicated lore writer. Or even just someone for the short stories. Do they not have the money to afford more staff? Because otherwise I cannot wrap my head around why they don't have a dedicated writer.

It would solve ... many of their problems . Lore writing wouldn't have to be passed around haphazardly to all of them. And we could have like... consistent, well put together lore. By people who Can Write

so um. W. Why do they not have a writer. They're supposedly consulting a professional writer for the Auraboa lore rewrite (which has repeatedly had more stuff chucked into it, it seems, which is usually not a great sign for how a story is progressing) so like... why not just. Hire. A writer

Am I missing something .

[spaceradars]

forever thinking about ray kowalski's "you ever feel like you don't know who you are? like if you weren't around somebody or somebody wasn't around you, that, uh, you wouldn't be you? or at least not the- the you that you think you are? you know you ever... you ever feel like that? me neither"

[spiderispunk]

Okay, hear me out. I would love to see a Hangman drabble where it's like rough and dirty, trying not to get caught, sex. And there's definitely mentions in there about his dog tags or a chain or something... 🙏❤

Risky

Pairing: Jake "Hangman" Seresin x F!Reader

Word Count: 2.8k

Warnings: Smut 18+ [minors do not interact]. Semi-Public Sex. Unprotected Sex. Gagging (w/fingers and his chain). Light Choking. Dirty Talk (like he says some really filthy stuff). Pet Names.

A/N: Not 100% sure what came over me. I blame this on @ussgallifrey again. Seriously, they're an enabler. Heed all the warnings before beginning.

“Jake.” 

“Shh, baby. I know,” he mumbles low in your ear. “But ya gotta be quiet. Wouldn’t want the others to hear us, would we? We’d be in a lotta trouble.” 

The others. You can hear them all the way from downstairs. Their attention drawn towards the giant TV mounted on Mav’s wall. The Army-Navy football game was on, and though it seemed to be a sure victory for the Midshipmen, all eyes were completely focused. 

All eyes except four. Yours, slightly closed and out of focus, and Jake’s, glued to the reflection of your face in the bathroom mirror. 

Did you really intend to find yourself bent over the sink of the guest bathroom in the middle of the 3rd quarter? No, and Jake swears he hadn’t planned this either. 

You want to believe him. You almost do. But then you think of the lewd looks he’d given you out of the corner of his eyes. How he’d pulled you on his lap– much to the protest of Fanboy and Coyote who told y’all to take it somewhere else– and kept a hand glued to your inner thigh for the first half of the game. His not so innocent comments on the car ride over. And that damn chain of his that he kept fiddling with the entire time.

It was a weakness of yours. The solid gold links that nestled on his tan skin, accentuating the curve of his neck and strong collarbones. It was one he knew damn well, and always tried to play on. He loved your reaction to it. Loved when you used it to pull him forward so you could kiss him senseless. 

  And you loved when it dangled in your face while he fucked you, so win-win. 

A loud cheer from the others snaps you back into the present. The very real present, where Hangman’s hand is shoved down the front of your jeans. 

You bite your lip, stifling the loud noise that bubbles up in your throat. “Fuck,” you whisper. 

Jake pulls you back against his chest. He hooks his chin on your shoulder. “Just had to have you, baby. Couldn’t wait anymore.” He kisses the shell of your ear. “You look so good.” 

“A jersey and jeans did it for you?” You tease, though it takes a lot of effort to form coherent words. 

“My jersey.” Jake’s hand slips up your shirt to squeeze your breast. He rolls your pebbled nipple between his middle and ring finger. “And you know what these jeans to do me.” 

Yes, you did. Maybe you weren’t completely innocent either.

Your eyes meet his in the mirror, and you smile a little bashfully.  

Jake grins and nips at your jaw. His fingers swirl deftly over your clit. “Oh, honey. Don’t get all shy on me now. You put us here. Now what?” 

You want to say that he was the one that suggested your shared bathroom break after discreetly feeling you up for an hour, but the only sound that left your lips was a strangled moan as he put more pressure on your clit. 

“Huh, baby?” Jake presses an open mouthed kiss to your throat. “What’s it gonna be?” He starts to pull his hand away, and you grab his wrist. 

“No.” 

“No?” 

You shake your head. “Finish what you started.” 

His grin spreads. “Always do, darlin’. Always do.” Jake turns your head into a messy kiss as his hand resumes their movements between your legs. 

In no time, you’re close to coming. Such is the magic of your pilot’s hands. Your knees shake, head dropping back against his large chest. A couple moans slip through the cracks of your splintered sanity. 

By the third, slightly louder one, Jake slips two fingers in your mouth. You bite down on them, and a choked moan slides from Jake’s lips despite his best efforts.

“Ah shit, baby.” He grinds his hips against your ass. “Drive me fucking crazy.” 

Jake’s gaze holds yours in the mirror, green eyes boring into your soul. You can’t look away. You don’t want to. Hunger and desire is written all over his features. In the clench of his jaw, in the dark, thin ring of emerald almost completely eclipsed by his pupil. 

Trapped there under the weight of his stare. Held in place by the rock of his hips and the insistent rub of his fingers. It tips you over the edge. 

You’re grateful for the fingers that muffle you as your orgasm crashes over you. Your eyes roll into the back of your head, your jaw falls slack. 

“Holy shit,” Jake mutters, his voice slightly hoarse. “You’re so fucking hot. Practically dripping on my fingers” He pulls his hand from your jeans and sucks his finger into his mouth with an appreciative groan. “If I had more time I’d get my mouth on you, honey. Clean ya up.” 

But you don’t have more time. Someone’s bound to have noticed the two of you were missing, and if they haven’t asked questions yet, they would definitely start asking soon. 

Jake turns you around, lips messily slotting against yours. You can taste yourself when he licks his tongue into your mouth. His hands grip your hips tight, and he helps you up onto the granite counter. He messily yanks your jeans the rest of the way down your legs and steps between them. 

You tug at the waistband of his jeans and undo his belt buckle with shaky fingers. You get it undone eventually, and Jake just barely has time to push them down slightly before you’re wrapping your fingers around his aching cock. 

His eyes flutter shut, long blonde lashes fluttering against his cheek. Jake huffs out an expletive, rocking his hips forward into your hand. You kiss along the base of his throat, tongue peeking out to taste the sweat that dots his skin. 

“Fuck, baby. We don’t have a lot of time,” he says. 

You wrap a leg around his waist to pull him closer. “Well, you put us here,” you mimic his earlier words. “So, what now?”

Jake gives you his signature shit-eating grin. “Gonna finish what I started.” He pushes your hand away, and notches the head of his cock against your dripping pussy. “I love you.” 

“I love you, too.” You spread your legs a bit more. “But if you don’t fuck me, I think I’m gonna lose my mind.” 

He nudges his nose against yours. “Alright, alright. Easy, baby. I got ya.” He pulls your hips to the edge of the counter, and thrusts into you slowly. 

Your twin chokes of reverence echo through the bathroom, and you’re thankful for the distance between the bathroom and living room. Jake’s hips move slowly at first. A steady roll of his hips that allows you to feel every bit of him. It’s breathtaking. The sinful drag of his hips. The friction as skin meets your clit. His fingertips roaming your body, touching and squeezing all over. 

But it’s not enough. Not for your insatiable husband. Not for you. 

“More,” you whimper. “Harder, Jake. Faster, please.”

Jake breathes harshly through his nose. “Okay. But you gotta be quiet for me, honey. Can you do that for me?” 

You nod, but already your strength is fading. Sure, it would be downright mortifying if you were caught in such a compromising position, but you weren’t too confident in your ability to multitask at this point. 

He can see that tiny flash of indecision in your eyes. “You can do it.” He holds you close against him as his hips pick up in speed. “I know you can.” 

You pull his lips back to yours, tangling your fingers into his hair. He’s been growing it longer lately, and you’ve been loving the shagginess of it. Especially when the strands messily fall into his face like they’re doing now. 

The kiss is messy. A clash of teeth and tongue. Jake tucks little grunts into your mouth, and you give him a fair share of your own desperate noises in return. 

His hand slides down your body, and fits into the hallowed space between your thighs. The pressure on your clit sends lightning crackling down your spine. The high-pitched, breathy sigh leaves your lips before you can stop it. 

“Darling,” Jake drawls in warning, but also makes no move to stop.

You think he enjoys this, actually. Watching you struggle to stay quiet as he does all the things that would normally make you scream. Of course he does. Why else would he sneak you to the bathroom of a full house to have sex with you, if not for the thrill of it all?  

“I’m sorry. I’m trying.” 

“I know, I know. It’s hard, isn’t it? Staying quiet,” He whispers, a teasing edge to his tone. “Why’s that, honey? Feels too good, doesn’t it?” 

You nod. 

“Need something to keep your mouth busy?” He asks with a smirk.

Again, you nod. 

Jake pulls the chain out from under his shirt. “Here. Suck on this.” 

Your eyes widen. It’s not the first time you’ve had this thought, but his blatant offering makes your cunt clench. 

His hips stutter. “Jesus. Go on, sweetheart. I know you want to.” 

You lean forward, eyes locked, and suck the golden chain into your mouth. 

Jake groans with approval. “Good, baby. You’re so good. Just keep doing that while I fuck you– ah fuck.” A sudden gush of warmth floods your body at his praise. “You’re so wet.” 

The filthy sound of your writhing bodies fill the room. Your cunt squelches with each snap of Jake’s hips. You’d feel embarrassed about it if it didn’t feel so damn good. 

Jake’s free hand slides to the base of your jaw. He tilts your face up. “Look at me.” 

With great effort, you meet his gaze. Jake looms over you, body completely covering yours. When he speaks, his lips nearly brush your own. His warm breath fans over your breath, cinnamon and whisky heavy on his tongue. You’re so close you can see the brush of freckles over the bridge of his nose.  

“You’re so fucking beautiful.” His fingers lightly squeeze your throat. “Feel so goddamn good, honey. Gonna make me come. Gonna fill your pretty pussy up right here. Make you walk around with it inside you all day, so you can think of me with every step you take. You want that?”

Your answer in the affirmative is a small squeak.

“Dirty girl,” Jake whispers with gravel in his voice. “My dirty girl.” 

The effect his words have on your body is nearly instantaneous. Dirty talk is not a foreign concept in the bedroom, but this was a whole new side of Hangman that you definitely wanted to see again. 

“Think they know we’re up here?” Jake mumbles, lip loosed by the desire that twists low in his gut. “Do they know I’m fucking you like this? That you practically begged me for it? Begged me to fuck you here, even though anyone could walk right in and see. You like it don’t you?” His question is cut off by a shameless groan. He’s not even trying to hide it anymore. 

You nod. Jake is spiraling deeper into lust, and you’re just along for the wonderfully sinful ride. All you can do is hang on tight, while the thrust of his hips and his wicked words drive you insane.

“S’okay, darling. S’alright. I like it too.” His jaw clenches, eyes screwing up. His hips meet yours in a sloppy rhythm. “Don’t we make quite the pair?” He chuckles. 

Your head spins. You feel like you’re on a merry-go-round going a thousand miles an hour. Each snap of his hips makes your blood boil. Each swipe of his thumb on your clit, brings you closer to that wonderful warmth. 

“I’m gonna come, honey.” His voice is strained. “Want you to come too. Can you do that for me? Can you come all over me?” 

The chain falls from your mouth, slick with spit. “Yes. Please.” 

“I got you,” Jake whispers. “Just come for me.” 

You do. You rocket over the edge. Your whole body shakes with the force of it. It shocks you into silence, that’s the only reason the bathroom isn’t filled to the brim with your hoarse cries, the only reason you’re not caught then and there. 

Jake bites his knuckle, hips stuttering forward as the knot unravels in his stomach. He comes with a muffled grunt, toes curling in his boots. Fills you up to the brim and then some in waves that seem never-ending. His hips don’t stop moving, don’t stop fucking his cum back into you.

Your legs snap shut around his waist, holding him deep within you. “Oh fuck.”

“Godfuckingdammit.” Jake groans, and his hips finally still. He presses his face into your shoulder, trailing gentle kisses across his skin. Jake laughs. “Oh, Christ.” 

Neither of you move for a moment, you just bask in the post-coital bliss until your ragged breathing becomes even again. You’re too full, and Jake’s too warm to pull away. Lethargy fills your body, weighing down your limbs, filling your head with smoke. You know eventually you’ll have to face the music, but you don’t want to just yet. 

Jake cocks his head to the side. “I think the game’s over.” 

“Probably.” 

“It’s a miracle they haven’t started looking for us yet.” 

“I think they know better. They might not like what they find.” You grin up at him. 

Jake kisses your nose. “And uh…did you like it?” 

“I did.” You brush his hair from his face. “Didn’t know you were into that.” 

Despite everything he’s said and done, Jake blushes. “Yeah, I uh–” He rubs the back of his neck. “I got a little carried away.” 

“No, no.” The corner of your mouth ticks up. “I liked it…a lot.” 

He raises his eyebrows. “Really?” 

“Really.” 

Jake moves to speak again, but a knocking on the door makes you both jump. And the jump presses Jake’s still-seated cock deeper into you. Jake covers your mouth immediately, muffling the squeal you let out. 

“Hey guys!” Rooster calls. 

Your eyes widen. Jake shakes his head. He presses a finger to his lips.

“I know you’re in there. Everyone knows you’re in there.” 

No response. 

“Okay, well people are starting to ask questions, and I can only distract them for so long. Time to join the party,” he says. “Oh! The Navy won by the way. Seems like they’re not the only ones who scored.”

You don’t unfreeze until you hear his footsteps recede down the stairs. 

“Shit. I guess we’re lucky they didn’t come looking for us earlier,” Jake says. “‘M gonna pull out now, honey, okay?”

You bite your bottom lip and nod. Jake slips his softening cock from your cunt. You both groan quietly– you from the emptiness that aches after being so full, and he from the sight of his cum slowly dribbling from your folds. You don’t miss the hitch in his breath, and the slight twitch of his cock. 

“Don’t even think about it.” You press your hand to his chest. “We don’t have time.” 

You hear the opening keys to Great Balls of Fire. Rooster really was pulling out all the stops. 

“You’re right,” he admits, though he doesn’t look particularly happy about it. Jake grabs a spare washcloth and helps you clean up. “I should leave first. Probably less suspicious than if we show up together.” 

You watch him tuck himself into his jeans. He’s still hard. The realization makes your mouth water. 

“I’ll think of a lie on the way down. Say you weren’t feeling well, or something.” 

“Good luck.” You slide off the counter and pull your jeans back up. 

True to his word, you can feel Jake’s cum pool in your panties. You rub your thighs together in a way you hope is inconspicuous, but of course, Jake catches it.  

He kisses your cheek. “Everything alright, baby?” 

“Peachy.” You smile at him.  

“Alright. I’ll see you down there.” His hand lingers on the waistband of your jeans. “Try not to get distracted.”

Jake throws you a wink over his shoulder and shuts the door behind him. 

Bastard. Smug bastard. Smug bastard that just fucked you within an inch of your life in the bathroom while his friends and boss watched football. Smug bastard whose cum you can feel sliding down the inside of your thigh.

As you dab at your face with another washcloth, and try to make yourself look somewhat presentable, you say thank you to whoever ruled the universe, and a quick prayer that this won’t be the last time you see this wonderfully filthy side of your husband again.