#i don't think badly of you well sometimes i do (regulus)

[letoiledechue]

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Readmore for length due to throwing headcanons and app info below. TRIGGER WARNING: Brief references to anxiety and depression in summary section. Writing sample hints at child abuse/neglect and references pot and alcohol use.

In summary:

A bunch of trauma and trust issues bottled up into fake smiles and using partying as an attempt at forgetting everything. He’s fine though. Totally not fine.

Unspoken fear of losing the found family he has leaves him treading carefully. Not necessarily a visible trait but there may be anxiety toward losing people that can be blamed on never positively processing being disowned

Took the brunt of his parents’ antics/anger and kept quiet about it, still has minimal interest toward letting that slip to Regulus. Not happy with keeping that a secret, but figures it’s better to shoulder on his own than risk fully shattering whatever warped view of the family Regulus has as the youngest.

Was never keen on opening up about family. Can count the number of people he trusts with that info on one hand.

Plays into androgynous looks. Only positive to come from being disowned (besides found family of course) was getting to be more free in expressing himself.

The type of teen that would have stolen one of his cousins’ skirts and been offended by their being offended/annoyed or having the audacity to ask for it back. I can’t stop thinking of this scene from the Umbrella Academy.

Big fan of Queen and David Bowie.

Finds his motorbike equally as freeing as a broomstick, simply has a preference for the more hands-on maintenance that’s required for the bike’s upkeep.

His fingernails are painted more often than not. Habit of picking polish off if stressed.

100% threatened to permanently charm neon pink nail polish on his nails the day Orion called it an issue.

Dramatic since birth.

Would have had professors fooled with being quiet the first couple of weeks of school just to turn into a loud mouth once certain the school’s way of handling his hijinks didn’t involve his parents’ approach in doing so.

The app info:

Birthday: Born November 3, 1960, Sirius was meant to be the answer to the Black family’s hopes of an heir. A Scorpio through and through, it shouldn’t have been all that surprising the heir’s sarcastic and precocious side shined. Birthdays weren’t something Sirius looked forward to while home. It wasn’t exactly something his parents made a big deal about and was usually met with disappointment. Ill thought out gifts with the intent of stifling his curiosity and creativity. In truth, things that would have been more suitable for Regulus than himself. That opinion changed once at Hogwarts and he won’t admit to it now, but the first proper party that involved well thought out gifts and not simply acknowledging for the sake of knowing he’d make a scene had left him in tears.

Wand: 7 ½ inches, fir, curupira hair. Getting his wand was a rushed trip that involved Walburga expecting it to be a one and done sort of ordeal. The first two wands backfired and Sirius can still clearly recall being told to halt his mischief even though he wasn’t doing anything. He was almost certain a failed third attempt would result in being pulled out of the shop by his ear. The third try proved to be his though, and there was no hiding the grin at realizing he had been given a core that could be just as mischievous as he was.

Amortentia: Freshly mowed grass, whiskey, and cigar smoke are the scents that seem hellbent on sticking around. The first comes from Sirius having used quidditch as an outlet during school. The second serves as a form of self-medicating (he’s fine - the drinking isn’t an issue and he knows when to stop before it turns into making shit life choices). Alcohol has been just as much a friend as his actual friends have been so there’s no giving it up at this point. Cigar smoke is a peculiar one since it’s specifically the brand his father smoked. There are few happy memories of Grimmauld Place but the scent is familiar and enough to serve as a reminder that he still has people back there that he misses. 

Boggart: When time came for facing boggarts at Hogwarts, Sirius did the unexpected and stuck to the back of the line of students. While many would have expected him to go running head on into the class experience, a boggart wasn’t on his priority list. Certainly not when that meant the risk of students and a professor being able to put a face to the shrill tone that came from his mother’s howlers. Things got as far as the sound of high heels echoing from the closet before he mumbled riddikulus and replaced what would have been his mother’s rapid approach with marbles rolling across the classroom floor. It was before anyone could speculate since he didn’t want questions about his homelife to come about.  More recently, things have come down to fearing Regulus dying. A rather ridiculous fear considering his own well-being should be on the list and the rather tense relationship between them as of recent, but there’s a layer of guilt. That guilt has lingered ever since he left home without so much as a looking back. Regulus was the opposite — the golden child of the two siblings — and Sirius hasn’t stopped presuming the worst since leaving him behind in their family’s clutches.

Patronus OR No Patronus: Happiness has been hard to find as of recent and Sirius is good at faking it. He can produce a patronus if needed, with its corporeal form taking on the shape of a dog that is similar to his animagus form. Moments of happiness are few and Sirius has no shame in admitting he relies on memories of goofing off with his friends or Mrs. Potter’s hugs as a way of fueling the spell. 

Writing Sample:

The tears had come from nowhere, and Sirius hadn’t even summoned the courage to walk up the path that led to the Potter’s home. A mix of fear, frustration, and exhaustion pooled in his stomach. He had taken to playing with the muggle lighter he kept on him from the very moment the Knight Bus dropped him off a street away from his best friend’s home.

Worse yet, he didn’t have it in him to light one of the blunts or take a sip from the flask in his jacket pocket. Too emotional and too much trauma surrounding the argument that ensued before it came to his name getting blasted off the family tapestry. It was something he had assumed would happen eventually. A threat that had lingered since the day his mother realized it was somewhat effective. He had merely figured she would have waited until he was of age to do something instead of acting a year earlier than he anticipated.

She hadn’t opted for using her fists or her wand to get her point across, and that was something Sirius was grateful for. There would have been no explanation if he showed up bloodied or bruised in a spot that wasn’t easily hidden by his robes. The moment spent trying to summon the courage and mask of happiness he usually plastered on felt like an eternity.

He didn’t have his watch on him, but it had to have been five minutes of standing on the sidewalk with a blank expression and his trunk clutched firmly in his hand. No one passed by though, so he was able to remain there uninterrupted.

Another moment, then the teen took a steadying breath. His lip quivered as he headed toward the Potter’s, fist shaking once he reached up to knock on the door. The door opened and Sirius was appalled to be face-to-face with Euphemia. He had grown far too used to keeping up the persona of being the life of the party. Always smiling, grateful to be welcomed as a guest, and quick to make sure mannerisms from back home didn’t pop up while over. He couldn’t summon any of it, though, instead shifting uncomfortably on the balls of his feet. Sirius didn’t make eye contact when she asked if things were okay, simply hiccoughing in response. It took a soft “Sirius,” and a hand on his shoulder to make him look up with an expression that was similar to a deer in headlights.

“Sorry, I-“ He trailed off before he got to stammering and quickly shook his head, wrapping his arms around his middle. “I shouldn’t have… but there’s nowhere else to… they… tapestry.” The words were barely a coherent sentence, but seemed to be enough to get the point across, earning a loud sob when he wasn’t asked anything else and was gently pulled in for a hug.

[pickinglilahs]

Blackeclipse for the soul

Part 24; Part 25; Part 26 Hey...I know I've been away but here's a new chapter. Also, I wrote a 18+ one-shot that may or may not fit perfectly between this chapter and the last... Also, this chapter is, like...a week or so after the last one so you don't have to remember what happened

"Hey, Starshine? Have you seen James?"

Regulus looked up from his book with a frown. "Not since this morning." A beat. Then, "Should we be worried?"

Remus worried his lip as he sat in his chair in their hidden alcove, holding his school bag to his chest like a lifeline. "Maybe? He was okay yesterday, right?"

Regulus shrugged. "I didn't notice anything wrong, but I don't know him as well as you do."

Remus looked up at him. He knew that was a bit of a sore spot; Regulus often felt behind because of how in tune James and Remus were. It was inevitable, given their prior relationships, but Remus and James both hated it, all the same.

Remus tried to shake the worry for James off. After all, "It's too soon to tell. He slept last night so he could just be off with Siri or something. Sorry for bothering you with this. It's probably nothing."

Regulus set his book down deliberately and came over to kneel at Remus' feet, taking both his hands and holding his gaze. "Moonbeam," he admonished, "Don't ever apologize for worrying. If something feels wrong, I want you to tell me,” he tilts his head, and adds as an afterthought, “Or James. Instincts are our subconscious trying to warn us of things our conscious mind hasn't picked up on yet. And you, Moonbeam, have incredible instincts."

Remus forced himself to relax, closing his eyes and letting out a long breath. "He said he would meet us here after class. It's not like him to forget or bail."

Regulus nodded, stroking the backs of Remus' hands with his thumbs. "Do you want to go look for him?"

The older boy hesitated but eventually shook his head, "No. If he is with Siri, we won't be able to find them anyway. And if he isn't... He's probably in bed. He usually just wants to be alone when he's depressed."

Frowning, "Is it okay to leave him alone?"

"For a while," Remus sighed. "He doesn't think he deserves love and comfort when he's like this and he reacts badly if you try to force it on him too soon."

"Badly how?"

Shrugging, "Sometimes he disappears; takes the map, and hides so we can't find him. Sometimes he yells. Usually, though, he forces himself to act okay. Tries to prove that he doesn't need help. That's why it's so hard to tell when he's depressed sometimes; he's good at hiding it."

"I guess we'll just have to watch him close, then." Regulus squeezed Remus' hands. He leaned up to kiss the other boy's Marked cheek before standing slowly and going back to his own chair.

Remus sighed and pulled out his homework, trying to focus.

~~~

James had not been with Sirius.

Sirius himself said as much when Remus and Regulus sat down across from him later that evening. And while James did join them for dinner, Regulus noted that he didn't actually eat anything.

Remus and Regulus shared a look that James didn't see; Regulus decided to stay up in the tower that night.

After dinner, the trio stopped at the Slytherin dorms and made their way up to bed. They tried to put James between them, but he hauled Regulus over to put him in the middle. They didn't protest.

When they woke up to find James absent the next morning, there was no denying it. Something was up.

"So... What do we do?"

Remus ran a hand over his face, letting out a long sigh. "Same as before? Make sure he's taking his potions and keep an eye on him. Not really much to do."

Regulus could only make out his outline with the early morning light illuminating the closed curtains. "It frustrates you. That you can't just hug his pain away. Take away the ache like we do for you."

Remus turned his face towards him. It hadn't been a question—more an... observation—but it was true, nonetheless. After a moment, Remus snorted and placed his hand back over his face.

"And you complain that you don't know us well enough."

Regulus 'harrumphed' and rolled to crawl on top of Remus. He took the other boy's hands from his face and glared down at him. "It's not about knowing you. Anyone with decent enough observation skills can know a person. It's that... I mean- You two have known each other for years and I..."

Remus brought a hand up to tuck a wayward curl behind Regulus' ear, fingers lingering to stroke over his cheekbone. "And you feel behind. James and I have had time to learn to work together and you haven't."

Regulus' glare slid into a pout, bottom lip sticking out in the most adorable way. Remus bit his own lip to suppress a smile, but Regulus noticed and pouted even harder.

Chuckling, Remus leaned up to nip at his lip. Regulus jerked in surprise, letting out an indignant sound. He tried to pull away, but Remus rolled with him, pinning the younger boy to press kisses all over his face.

Just then, James pulled back the bed curtains. Remus and Regulus froze, squinting into the sudden sunlight. James took one look at them and grinned mischievously. "Are we smothering Regulus?"

"No!"

"Yes!"

James' smile grew as he launched himself onto the bed. He flopped down just beside them and started peppering Regulus' face with kisses himself.

Laughing and tickling and kissing, the boys wrestled across the bed.

"OI! At least close the curtains!"

Remus nearly fell off as they all startled to attention. Luckily, his two quidditch-playing boys had cat-like reflexes—literally in Regulus' case—and caught him just in time. Hauling him into the safety of their arms, James and Regulus looked up to find Benji standing in the bathroom doorway with his arms crossed.

"Sorry," Regulus and Remus chorused, while James grumbled about 'not doing anything.'

Benji and Peter shared an amused look, but the trio were too busy scrambling from the bed to get ready for class to notice.

Remus and Regulus were also focused on James. They discreetly watched his face and body language as they got ready and headed down to breakfast. When James filled his plate and dug in, they shrugged at each other.

Maybe it was just a one-off.

Only time would tell.

@starchasersunseeker @poetrypirate @niad4827 @bradley-95147-blog @shyshadows430

[sophsicle]

I think it’s sort of about how you had Mary confide in James about something so vulnerable and then had him treat her the way he did. I found it difficult to stomach. And it probably isn’t super encouraging for people to speak out, because what’s happened in this story is that Mary has trusted her friend and I’m return he’s persistently supported someone who was protecting her attackers and tampered with her memories. I don’t know if you’d write this any differently now if you had the opportunity but I imagine this is part of the problem people are referring to when they discuss Mary’s attack and how it was handled.

Hello! Yes, I totally agree, and I think this is something I would change. Part of the problem is I was very intent on not making James the focus or the hero of that story. I didn't want to turn Mary's attack into a moment for his character growth, I wanted it to be about her and her relationship to the magical world and the beginning of us seeing her pull away and handle stuff on her own. But because of that I neglected to fully address James's responsibility in all of this and the implications of that. Which, looking back, is something I deeply, deeply regret. At the same time, there are still parts of it that ring true to me. Like James is a sixteen year old boy who has now had two people confide their incredibly serious trauma to him and he is struggling to figure out how to handle that. He handles it poorly, but I think most sixteen year olds probably would handle it poorly. And while I know this isn't what people mean when they say "romanticizing" it would feel like a "romantic" portrayal of SA to me, to have everyone you confide in support you or react exactly the way you need them to. I just, I don't know, I haven't seen that happen very often.

I think people can genuinely care about you and still let you down. And James absolutely lets her down. I also like the power it gives that moment at the end of chapter 31 when she realizes that of course James, the pureblood, rich, popular guy, is involved with Regulus. Of course he's protecting Regulus. Of course he can't understand how this feels. However nice, however sweet, he will always be able to make excuses for Regulus's behaviour because he will never be the one at the mercy of it. And how could she have thought he would be any different.

There's something in that that's important to me. Because James is a good guy, but he is still a member of the elite. And he will still always struggle to understand where people like Mary and Lily are coming from. And I feel like that gets lost a lot with James's character. Jegulus only works because James is privileged enough to be forgiving (if that makes sense?). And Mary explicitly calls that out, which is one of the reasons that her character is so important to me. And I sometimes feel as though people just completely ignore her and what she has to say in this fic. That because these critiques aren't being made by Sirius or Remus or James they don't hold as much weight. And I find that a bit frustrating. Regardless, were I to go back, I think I would have it be Lily or Marlene (or both honestly) that she confides in instead of James OR as well as James, because while everyone may not react the way you need them to that doesn't mean that no one will and that is also important to show. While I do think there were reasons why I wrote it the way I did, ultimately I think the negative impact outweighs the positive, especially because James and Regulus are the focus of this story. Also thank you so much for this message, it is sometimes difficult to know what to address when people just say "you handled this badly" so this was really helpful!

[lifeandlies-of-regulusblack]

hiii! firstly, i just wanna say i live for your work and think that you are a reincarnation of a ancient greek poet(think like sappho of lesbos)! i am a new user to tumblr, but ive always been an avid writer and was wondering how you got your start on regularly writing and posting on tumblr without getting embarrassed or discouraged. i will be waiting on the edge of my seat for a response.

(ps- thank you for being you🩵)

😳

Okay, i am ACCEPTING that very big and beautiful compliment of you, likening me, to some greek poet who may or may not have existed at some point in time. I'm definitely no sappho or lesbos! But in the slightest chance that I was at least once, some greek poet, then that's a win baby!!! Thank you 💌!

I got my start on writing in school, because I was on the Humanities and Social Sciences track ~ and I had 2.5 hours of creative writing classes every other day plus a very invested professor who wanted us to love writing (and whom I wanted to impress).

On regularly writing... OOF. I... Don't :( You found me on a writing high, but before March this year, this account was left to marinate for 6-7 months (maybe more), with the occasional reblog. This account was dead silent before then. I write when I can and I write when I want to, badly enough.

What helps me write as regularly as I can manage is finding inspiration from quotes, short reels, other people's writing, and... 💃 SPITE 💃. Oohhhhhh. Yeah, I'm a spiteful writer. I have something to say that's usually in response to what I see within the fandom (which is why this blog tends to get whiny). I say find one emotion you can really milk. Draw on that and let a few ideas come to you.

On getting discouraged, I... Hehe. A good part of the discouragement is dealt with by spite 🥹 (I'M SORRY). This blog was made out of frustration and I think it shows 😭😭😭. I write to deal with my frustration and I write so I don't end up fighting with people on the internet, like a random dude who gets into fights at rundown parking lots at 3am. While I do, also, want to bond with people over writing and my love for Regulus, I didn't come here wanting people to like what I write or expect people to admire my writing. I WAS ANGRY 😭😭😭😭. I wanted to litter the Regulus Black tags and the Black Brothers tag with as many "contrary" pieces and meta because I was so tired of the shit I was seeing!

I still am 😠. My attitude towards writing is that if I have to see other people's bs then they're dealing with my shit too ❣️. People directly hating on Regulus? Deliberately misunderstanding his character? HAHA, well it's time to get typing 💅. People wanting to shit on Sirius and Reg's brotherhood? Well, here's twenty different ways, they will literally die for each other ✨ xoxo 💋

I guess sometimes the numbers do sway me, and on the occasion that it does happen, I'm grateful that I don't write things I don't genuinely like. I mean yeah, it's kinda sad (like how little love my Black Sisters piece got when I know for sure, that if it had been between Sirius and Reg it would've gotten the usual number of notes similar pieces tend to get) but if you loved what you've written before you hit the post button, rereading the pieces that don't do well will always hit you with that warm feeling, of being proud of what you've made :)

(it also helps that I'm such a small account)

Also FIND FRIENDS TO BRAINROT WITH.

The common people might not enjoy such cultured writing but folks with similar disease, will. And you'll find, that most of the time, that's all you need. (Source: ME, BITCH.)

On embarrassment, well, you gotta own your platform. This is YOUR HOUSE. Would you get embarrassed walking naked in your own home? No 💖. There will always be people as messed up as you are or WORSE. So be the freaky freak that you are. Take no shit. It's your blog!!!! No matter how many people follow you, it's still!!! Your blog!!!

Just be reasonable about the tags you use. Don't put hate on character tags, use #anti [character name] instead. Don't cross tag!

Find something (an emotion, a really good idea you want to bring to life, friends you want to write for) that can eclipse your need to hold back. Most people won't care :)

I hope you find what makes your writer brain do the happy dance :)

[leogichidaa]

I wanna tell you something I love about Incubus: the total differences in how the Marauders regard the situation of Regulus vs how Regulus himself views his brother’s friends. While Peter and James both acknowledge that Regulus might actually be dangerous they still are not on their guard nearly enough, and it sort of feels to me like they’re like this because this is Sirius’s brother. Regulus looks like Sirius so they’re automatically relaxing and trusting at the sight of those familiar features/traits, he knows how badly it would hurt Sirius if something happened to them and what sibling wants to genuinely see their brother hurt (one raised in the House of Black who’s carrying around a ton of abandonment issues and resentment for their runaway brother, maybe), and it’s that very attachment Regulus has to Sirius that puts them in danger. Regulus refuses to lose his brother and he doesn’t care what he has to do to prevent that, and if he’s gotta kill the blood traitor and half-bloods his brother is weirdly fond of to get his brother back, then that’s just what he’ll do

Thank you for telling me what you love about it 😊

And yeah, the disconnect is very real and it mirrors the disconnect in the way that Sirius and Regulus view each other. Regulus is playing 4-D chess and his ostensible opponents don't even consider him competition. Regulus sees them all as a threat from day one and he is guarded and plotting constantly wrt them. James and Peter are wary of Regulus, but they make the mistake of thinking that they can interact with him like a normal human at least some of the time.

In large part that does come from the fact that their main point of reference for the Black family is Sirius, one of the more well-adjusted members of the House of Black. Plus, I think they have rose-colored glasses when it comes to Sirius, which doesn't help. I don't think they can really conceptualize just how unhinged Sirius' family is.

I'm going to go on a bit of a tangent here, forgive me, but this makes me think of how sometimes (imo) the complexity of the relationship between Regulus and Sirius gets stripped out in fanon. And I know that some part of that stems from a lack of experience/understanding around toxic sibling relationships because I've seen people straight up say, "well, they're brothers, so of course they take care of/respect/protect each other" and like...that's not a foregone conclusion. Especially in a family where children are disowned by their parents and inter-family murder is not unheard of. Sirius and Regulus do love each other, but it's messy and there's a huge potential for it to be toxic and dangerous.

So yeah, to James and Peter it doesn't seem to fully register how dangerous Regulus is and how little he cares about Sirius' happiness. I like that you use the word attachment, because that's really the crux of it. Regulus is attached to Sirius and he wants to have Sirius, even if having Sirius makes Sirius miserable. It's a very selfish love. But it's the kind of love that their parents modeled for them.

I could go on about James' hubris and why Remus is less susceptible to being lulled into this false sense of security (who knows better than Remus that even well-meaning family can damage their loved ones in a way that completely alters the course of their life due to their outspoken bigotry?), but I feel like I'm rambling at this point, so I'll leave it at that.