#i don't think i can draw them properly anymore this is so depressing.

[gaybutthead]

i see them everywhere

[taichissu]

17, 36, and 49 for the ask meme!

17. Favorite Harugumi Play

if there are a thousand clockwork's heartbeat fans i am one of them, if there are a hundred clockwork's heartbeat fans i am one of them, if there are ten clockwork's heartbeat fans i am one of them, if there are no clockwork's heartbeat fans i am dead

36. Favorite Doodle

genuinely lose my mind any time i see tsumugi's zabi or citron's fucking uyu creature (honrs)

49. Any favorite Quotes/Trivia?

this one got a bit long so under cut

i'm not actually sure how to answer this one bc there are so MANY trivia i love and i simply don't know how to choose a favorite

i guess some of my favorite trivia (most of it turned out to be akigumi-centered but don't judge me for it too much i just think about them a lot) + (most are pretty well-known, but there might also be some obscure ones, i have no way of knowing what's common knowledge in this fandom anymore):

according to itaru, chikage secretly owns like a shit ton of rabbit trinkets (his last name is a play on words btw, utsuki is written as 卯木 with 卯 meaning rabbit, and additionally it's very close to 嘘つき (usotsuki) which means liar)

my favorite personas the guys become when drunk: kazunari (becomes a formal-speaking senpai), homare (becomes an emotional crybaby (me too)), omi (becomes the mad wolf), banri (becomes a giggly mess, the social kinda drunk who thinks everything you say is the funniest thing in the whole world), juza (becomes extremely honest), the theater idiot trio (tsumugi, tasuku, and izumi; talk about nothing but theater lol)

kumon is a health nut, he's really into working out and eating properly (which is funny considering his brother probably tries to drink shampoo on a weekly basis)

itaru, kumon, hisoka, and homare are all left-handed

kumon is the only one in mankai who azami doesn't use an honorific for - this would be because they met before formally introducing themselves at mankai, so azami can't help but see kumon as younger than himself

according to drama cd, kumon has zero knowledge about cooking and is absolutely useless in the kitchen

it was said before that banri and his sister have very similar faces, but in the marie antoinette event, banri says that he thought he'd pass well as a girl because of that and yet he still looks like a man

banri's sister's favorite mankai members are omi and juza lol she seems to be into muscular guys

banri is the only member of akigumi who's the youngest sibling

that being said, azami is the only member of akigumi who's an only child (everyone else in akigumi is big brothers!)

juza used to be a member of shogi club when in o-high but he was a ghost member and we don't know if he can even play it lol

banri is lowkey obsessed with soy milk for whatever reason and drinks it everyday lol (is it bc of those 2cm juza holds over him?)

another one about juza; it was stated that out of everyone the dorms, he has the worst quality of sleep - this aligns with the fact that according to banri he snores and grinds his teeth in his sleep, which usually results in people sleeping badly

mi-chan's (taichi's little sister) favorite mankai member is azami, ma-kun's (taichi's little brother) is yuki - this makes taichi depressed that he's neither of their favorites

out of mankai: the best (?) singer is juza, and the worst singer is omi (at least based off karaoke score lol banri is still in denial about it)

additionally kumon said that his only good subjects in school were PE and music, so that would imply both of the hyodo brothers have natural musical talent

everyone in akigumi can play at least one musical instrument (first shown in the 2nd anniversary musical etude, later revisited in the rad red)

banri: guitar

juza: guitar / drums

taichi: keyboard / guitar

omi: drums

sakyo: bass

azami: guitar / bass

other than that, i believe yuki can also play the piano, and matsukawa is the MVP

taichi can draw well! (he's probably the only one in mankai who can draw despite not really having a reason to or showing any explicit interest in it (like kazu being an art student, yuki being a designer, muku liking manga))

in my worst wedding, olivia's heels are 5cm high, taichi couldn't move freely when he tried 6.5cm on, and since olivia had to move a lot during the final action scene, yuki settled for 5cm

speaking of my worst wedding, banri is the one helping taichi with the quick costume change before the finale (he got a private make-up training from azami himself to ensure he'd do it properly!)

according to azami; azuma, yuki, and banri have the best skin condition in the dorms

taichi doesn't care to buy his own skincare products and steals banri's lol

tsumugi and chikage have a sort of tense relationship, since tsumugi is a pro at reading people and chikage will do anything not to be read lol

hisoka has heterochromia - he doesn't care to keep it a secret but sakyo made him ensure that he keep it that way to boost his popularity as ミステリアスな人 and keep people on their toes

homare is in great shape because of his experience with ballroom dancing which requires great stamina and core strength

here's the (possibly incomplete) list of characters who are confirmed to have been in relationships in the past: izumi, tsumugi, homare (seriously?? so few?? i must be missing things asklfjsalkf)

here's the list of mankai members who have numbers in their names: chikage (1000), misumi (3), kazunari (1), kumon (9), banri (10,000), juza (10), taichi (1), guy (100,000,000,000,000,000,000)

i was trying to keep this in some sort of order but i literally just started rambling off the top of my head and all the structure flew out the window </3 anyway, sorry for such a lengthy list, i have a hard time choosing a favorite so i just ended up talking about everything i like </33333

thank you for asking anyway!

[augustsprincess]

So I know I have a huge heart and I feel all emotions immensly without showing them, but it always leads to making major decisions with no further thinking or even waiting on it.

I really wanted to keep out of the HC fandom for my mental health, but I think I need to stop blaming him for my mental health. He's a white man who's friends with homophobes and racists. Why did I expect so much from him? Though my heart tells me he is a good person, but everytime he posts I get a huge panic attack because I know something worse is going to happen and I'll get closer and closer to being wrong about him, and I can't take being wrong.

I think instead of looking at him like a celebrity I want the attention of (don't lie, thats what we mostly all want. That one like, that one acknowledgment that he knows you exist. Which is double stupid for me cause he's seen several of my art works).

I need to start treating him as a fictional character, an art muse and something that helps me with my depression. And to just accept he's not who I first started to love three years ago. But that doesn't have to be an issue if I don't let it.

I'll never meet him, he'll never acknowledge me properly. So he essentially is a fictional person in my life. And I think mentally thats probably the healthiest way to look at it, rather than obsess over him and what he does right or wrong.

Im going to think on it for a week as best I can, my freelance is starting to get massive right now so I wont have the time to obsess over him like I used to anyway. And truthfully I dont enjoy this fandom anymore as it is, too many toxic people with fake personas. But I need to let myself enjoy him.

I still adore the guy, and I hate myself for judging anybody because we're all just human. So I'm gonna do what I do best, draw my muse, ignore my feelings and try to enjoy my life in a normal way.

Also I am 100% aware this may sound batshit crazy to some people, and if it does, move on I guess.

[eugenoid]

Tag game!

Got tagged by @happy-mokka (psst, @eugenoid-remade was my temporary account, I reside in here now)

------------------

Rules: name your favorite movie, character, animal, drink, song, season, book, color and hobby.

Well, I can never pick a favorite anything (besides maybe animals and colors), so I'll just go on a whim with my choices mostly, listing what I like most at the moment, more or less.

------------------

Favorite movie: I really struggled to come up with anything, but after scraping my memory for anything my brain came up with "What We Do in The Shadows" (yes, the movie, I have yet to watch the show), my mom also really loved it after my recommendation, so it has a special place in my heart.

Favorite character: right now it's definitely Crowley (duh) from Good Omens, but it's also Reigen and Serizawa from Mob Psycho 100, Abe from Big Windup, Annie and Owen from Maniac (the short netflix series), and. And. There's probably so much more, but my mind comes out blank, so let's leave it as it is.

Favorite animal: SHARKS BABEEYYYY! I also like cats a lot. And CROWS, duh [x2]

Favorite drink: Coffee probably? But only with milk and something sweet. I also like Schweppes (not sponsored).

Favorite song: I listen to SO much music, how the hell am I supposed to pick just one song? I'll just post a bunch that come to mind (with links)

"Dethroning Of The Party Queen" and "Number 149" by Rosalie Cunningham (I LOVE ROSALIE SO MUCH MAN SHE'S GREAT)

"Scream Whole" by Methyl Ethel

"Other People" by LP

"Мама, мы все сошли с ума" by Кино

"Wait a Million Years" by The Grass Roots (this is THE azicrow song to me)

"On GP" by Death Grips

Okay I need to stop myself or I'll drop a whole playlist on your heads. God I hate picking favorite songs, I feel like this is ALL WRONG

Favorite season: Summer, late spring and very early fall, because my depression gets worse with shorter days and less sunlight.

Favorite book: OOOOOF, I feel like I haven't read enough books to properly choose, but. Let's say "Good Omens" for now.

Favorite color: teal, pink (the kinds that are warm and orange-ish) and black (blueish black especially). Look at them.... beautiful. I also love combinations of blue+yellow and blue+orange.

Favorite hobby: Well, right now I'm pursuing (trying to pursue) an art career, so I don't think drawing counts as hobby anymore. I guess I enjoy playing video games? I like singing. I'm getting back into writing fanfiction, so that should also count?

Tagging @someoneyoudontreallyknow, @eviltits, @icecreamvi, @reitziluz and @telivanistoolateparty (if you feel like doing it, of course), and anyone else who wants to, really

[soullikethesea]

I also went and saw T. It was quite a painful session.

I started out by asking if she has plans on quitting her practice. She basically said that she doesn't really, but that time will tell what will happen with insurance policies. (The answer I was expecting). Then she also said that we'd find a solution to end properly if that happens. She also mentioned the centre that she'd refer me to again and said that there is a tiny possibility that she could see me as a provider there.

Well. I don't trust that that would/could happen. She said that she doesn't see anyone in that capacity there yet, and I think something like that would be much harder than she thinks. Plus, I don't feel interested in any of the treatment modalities they offer. So I really worry that it wouldn't be a good match (but also I know I shouldn't write it off like that). T said she will look into what they offer exactly because a client she has is transferring to them soon.

She then asked a bunch about *why* I'm worried and if this is an "attach" part, etc.

After that we talked about my energy levels and how conflicted I feel inside. I used animal figures to show the conflict. T tried to get me to change the set-up, she said she imagines a swan to come in and take care of the little ones and make very wise decisions. And... yeah. It just doesn't feel like "us", you know? Her solution felt too much like standard IFS. I know it's what's expected of me/us, but yeah. It just looks what it looks like inside...

Eventually T commented on the lack of hope and I thought that was actually very spot-on. We have strategies around here, not hope.

I kept saying things about how I know we need to do something with/for Fox and that I don't know what it would be/how it would work. T tried to keep asking me to come up with solutions and eventually I burst out crying. The whole point of us asking is because we don't actually know what to do. :(

So then asking us what to do makes me feel really sad and alone. :(

In that moment I got really angry with myself for not knowing and trying to ask someone else. How dare I freaking make that mistake. Keep it to yourself. Solve things by yourself!!! Don't you know about that by now?

T said that time was up and I silently put away all the things. She said she was really sorry that there was so little she could do for me and I just... had no words.

When I was about to close the door behind me, she said I hadn't made a drawing yet of how I felt in my body... and I basically just stared at her and said that we don't really have time for that anymore today. Then left.

I thought about what it would look like and it was just a bunch of heaviness and sadness.

I hate that I get like this when I get depressed. I hate that I want to ask for help and then no one can freaking help me. I don't know how to ask "correctly" in order to change that.

And I feel like I really let Fox down.

But I got us a Pokémon comic on the way back and I know I'll be okay if I rest for the next few days. I guess I hope I'll be okay.

[this-is-where-i-hide-my-bullshit]

ive seen your art before and i absolutely love it. im guilty of only reblogging art/liking it if i feel like doing so in the moment, not because i thinks it's just so good. some of the most amazing art on here i remember to this day i realize i have never interacted with at all. i see amazing art that inspires me to draw which i see barely crack any notes. art that frustrates me for a few seconds because i ask why the notes are not bigger.

either way, tumblr is now notorious for being an app which is difficult for artists to grow on. im not sure if you're aware of this but people don't reblog art anymore, which is what brings those big-note-posts in the first place. your art is stunning, but on tumblr it really is down to luck nowadays. ive seen a blog with 11k followers and tons of interactions on personal posts get around 30 - 90 notes on their artwork which to me looked amazing yet was below their average on interactions. notes cannot really suffice for value of the art itself and it is extremely difficult to train yourself to realize that. i strongly suggest taking time away from social media whenever it comes to creating art and sharing art in order to properly get back into your love for drawing again. id hate to see it become damaged because of this. im sending you so much love. ur not alone

Thanks. Part of me wants to be angry that it feels like all I'm good for is recycling the same pictures and titty jokes, but it really just makes me depressed.

I'm always depressed so it doesn't take much to make me feel useless and worthless, I'm starting to think that my depression is definitely getting out of hand, and feeling a blow like that to my only source of confidence just kinda broke me. My depression is probably making it feel like a bigger deal than it really is but it still hurts. And I can't currently draw as a coping mechanism without just making myself feel worse so I don't know what to do with myself anymore because that was my go to when feeling sad or upset.

I know I need to do something else to get my mind off of it but I don't know what. Every time I try music or tv shows it just makes me think of things I could draw and I get worse all over again.

I think I might be having a depressive episode and these feelings were the straw that broke the camels back. I keep asking my doctor and therapist about antidepressants but they keep saying they don't think I need them, which I disagree with. I'm really not doing well mentally.

My mom who is way more emotionally supportive than the person I live with has promised me I'll be able to move in with her before Christmas, so hopefully she'll keep that promise this time and living with someone I can actually talk to irl will help. I know it won't fix it, but any small improvement would be better than where I am now.

[ratking-lyrr]

Thinkin' About 2023

It's not quite New Year's, but I've found myself reflecting on my year already anyway. It's been a lot, so I figure I'll organize my thoughts for once. Journal it up in this quiet space I have for the fun of it.

So much has happened, but also so little. I suppose the place to start is the good things. It's been a big one inside. Self discovery and growth has been huge. I think the best thing is I woke up and learned to love myself properly. I hardly get overcome with self-loathing or doubt anymore, for the most part. And that means I can love other people for real too! All my friends and my three perfect partners. I love spending time around them and drawing for them and just being theirs! I'm so proud of each and every thing they do. They're so wonderful.

Figuring out who I am inside has also been great. I have the courage now to know what and who I am. I'm a really good artist who makes great work. I still don't understand every aspect of it, but I'm either non-binary or genderfluid. I'm a silly guy that likes silly things. I'm not afraid to tell people things when I think of them anymore. I've got a big heart too and I'm allowed to love lots of people! And I don't have to hide any of those aspects. That's me, after all! I've learned that anyone that doesn't like me being me isn't worth being around.

Speaking of other people, I've met so many this year! For the first time in my life, I've actually been seeking others out rather than just being an introvert that others stumble upon. I'm still talk better directly rather than in groups or Discord channels, but I'm working on it. My peers' artwork feels deeper and strikes differently now that I know who they are as people. For someone who spent nearly an entire year in silence, I've found I sure do love to talk. And drawing little gifts for friends. It makes my heart soar to make someone happier.

Now, for the bad stuff. No time is perfect. Materially, nothing has changed. Despite trying so hard, I still live at home, I still can't drive and I still have no job. It's difficult to self-actualize or help others without income. I want nothing more than to get out of here. Live life and be an adult, you know? I can draw all day long, sure, but that doesn't help with anyone's material needs. I'm more prone to deep bouts of depression and despair than previous years when this all gets into my head. Or, maybe I've escaped constant depression, so it just feels that way. I cry often, but I think that's good. Healthier than never crying at all.

Overall, I think I'll call this my best year yet. Even if I didn't meet my biggest goals, I grew so very much. Fitting since one of my partners said 2023 would be my year, haha. He also said 2024 will be our year too, so maybe things will only continue upward!

[finelinevogue]

the fact that Y/N has post natal depression Is somewhat refreshing idk I just don't see it talked about much on here and if it is it's like Hella angsty and the partner doesn't understand what it is but I was wondering if u could touch on it a bit more cause it's something I'm really scared about happening to me and I just want harry to hold me and tell me it's going be okay 😚😚😚😚

P.s. if u don't wanna it's understandable

anon: can u write about harry helping y/n through her ppd maybe like the 3rd time was so bad that h decide that he won’t be having more children

so this was requested twice so i would love to be able to write this for you both, hope this is okay - mind it’s heavily angsty!;

tw: vomiting, ppd and od

oli - 4, felix - 3, belle - 12 weeks

Motherhood was really fucking hard.

The birth of your newly born daughter, Isabella, had really taken a back pedal on your mental health. You had suffered with post natal depression after the birth of your two sons, but nothing as bad as this.

It had hit you around the 7 week mark after giving birth. The pregnancy itself was okay, even though she was slightly premature, but it was after you’d taken her home that it’d all spiralled downhill. It started with complications with her breastfeeding - like she was rejecting the milk that you had produced. It hurt to see her reject you and your body, finding more comfort in drinking from a pre-made milk bottle as her dad rocked her to sleep. You recall the evening so clearly and felt like an utter failure as you watched her drink a bottle of formula for the first time.

“Ssh ssh,” Harry cooed to your 7 week old daughter as he rocked her in his arms on the rocking chair in her nursery. She was whining because she was hungry, but the problem was that she wasn’t accepting your milk. She hadn’t been accepting your milk all day and now it was becoming dangerous for you to keep on saying ‘Oh i’ll just try later.’ Harry had told you to make a formula bottle for her. “Mummy’s coming.”

As much as you didn’t want to, you were walking back to the nursery with a warm bottle in your hands. You’d tested it on your hand to make sure it wasn’t too hot and then taken a sip to taste it, out of jealousy, and you thought that it didn’t taste any different to you. Then again you’re not a 7 week old human whose only date is milk.

“Look here’s mummy with your yummy milk, okay? Look Belles!” Harry cooed at his darling angel and you only wished he wasn’t as happy for her as he was.

“Yeah.” You spoke softly, handing him the bottle and standing nearby, part of you hoping that she would reject this too and she wasn’t just rejecting you.

But no, she drank the formula like it was her last meal.

“Such a sweet girl, aren’t you?” Harry praised her, watching her in awe as she kept on drinking the formula. Watching as she was drinking to become the strong girl you knew she’d become. It just hurt that it wasn’t you that could help her become that.

You felt powerless. Worthless, even. The one thing that you had carried the weight of your breasts around to do and you couldn’t even do it. Your nipples were so sore and your breasts ached so badly and it was all for nothing. Perhaps it was punishment for being such a bad mum. Perhaps you’d never been good enough for this job and it was your bodies way of shutting you down forever. You wouldn’t need the ability to produce milk anymore, because you weren’t worth the title of becoming one again. You wanted to be happy for your little one, seeing her happy but all you felt was rejection and sadness. She didn’t think you were good enough to be her mum and that really hurt.

Along with the breastmilk problem, Belle also became very stubborn when you wanted to change her nappy. Anytime you tried to change and help her she put up a fuss, kicking her legs and sometimes she would bite or hit you away. It was just a reminder that you weren’t a good enough mum for her and that she didn’t feel safe enough around you. She didn’t find comfort in your presence and she was so fussy about what you did around her. With Harry, though, she was an angel. She loved him so much and obviously he made her feel so loved and safe - something you’d clearly never be able to give her.

There was also the chores of being a mother to your other two sons too. Oli and Felix were old enough to understand that they had a baby sister, but they weren’t old enough to understand how miserable you were. Harry wasn’t even able to figure it out yet. You tried your best to put on your bravest face, knowing that your family needed you to be strong but the truth was that you were crumbling on the inside. You were feeling less and less like yourself and you were waiting for the moment when you’d completely fall apart. Nothing felt right anymore. Everything was just numb.

“You two boys okay?”

You walked into the children’s playroom see that they were sat at the little table colouring in. Felix’s little legs dangled slightly, whereas Oli’s legs touched the floor and it made your heart swell at how big they were both getting.

“Yep!” Oli cheered, scribbling with his left hand as his tiny tongue stuck out from his lips as he concentrated - a habit passed onto him from his father.

“What are you both drawing?” You asked, coming over and kneeling on the floor beside them and having a peek at their drawings.

“We’re colouring for daddy.” Felix answered, some of the words not being pronounced properly due to his young lisp and lack of being taught how to say things correctly yet.

His words stung though. You appreciated that he was only a toddler and he meant nothing evil or malicious by it, but it hurt to think that maybe, just maybe, your sons were doing this for their dad because he did so much more for them than you did. Of course you tried to be the best mum you could, but maybe you weren’t doing enough. Maybe you weren’t meant to be a mum after all, or at least not a good one.

“O-oh,” you tried to hold back the tears in your eyes because your boys looked so proud at their artwork - and you should be too. “Tell me about them then, my loves.”

Oli went first, “So this is me and this is Oli and this is dad. It’s us playing football like we did the other day, mummy.” He pointed out to each of the figures, some looking actually quite terrifying but you’d never have the heart to tell him that. The figures were all holding hands though and it hurt to think that you weren’t a part of that.

“Oh that’s so good Ols!” you rubbed his head of hair and then turned to Felix’s, “What about you Fix?”

“I drew daddy as the best.” He pointed to a trophy that the figure - more like a stick-man-slenderman - was holding, which was decorated with the award of ‘my hero’.

“I told him to write hero, mummy.” Oli added, and you smiled at both of them.

“Well done. Good job both of you. Daddy will love these!” You only wished that they would draw something for you. You hated to think that you were being petty, but honestly you just wanted to feel loved. “Shall I go cut up some apple for a snack, hey?” You asked, trying to feel useful.

“Daddy is making us smoothies!” Felix answered and you had to stand up, up and away from their heigh, so they didn’t catch the tears in your eyes.

“Okay! Don’t forget to give him those pictures - he’ll love those.” You praised them and they both giggled to each other.

The sight of your sons laughing should’ve made you so happy, but it only reminded you that you weren’t the source of their happiness. You weren’t on their mind enough to be their inspiration for drawings. You definitely weren’t their hero. You were just a woman to them, not a mum. You wanted to be so much more but it was clear that they didn’t need you. They were loved by their dad and each other, not in need of your heart.

Eventually Belle settled down and was sleeping better through the night, leaving you and Harry to much more peaceful nights sleep. Well, just Harry.

You had found it near impossible to get to sleep now. You lay awake at night wondering when Belle would next wake up, wondering when she’d next need you. Harry was always quick out of bed though, even if he actually was sleeping, to help her ordering you to stay in bed and rest yourself. You couldn’t help feel like he was telling you to stay put because he knew you wouldn’t be able to do your job properly - and you started to believe him.

You’d found yourself getting jealous of those that could get to sleep. When you were walking down the road you’d judge a person by how much sleep they looked like they got last night. You definitely looked like you only had 2 hours - even when you’d only had 37 minutes but who’s counting? Your dark circles were heavily noticeable, but no one cared enough to ask. Even Harry stayed clear of you more and more often; spending more time with the kids than you and sleeping on his side of the bed instead of yours at nighttime.

There had been one evening where you had been so restless that Harry had gotten so frustrated and left the room, with a blanket and a pillow, and slept on the couch. You’d never felt so much like a burden than that night. Your family was rejecting you and you felt like a failure. You were a success at failing in everything. The meals you cooked went half eaten by everyone because you would’ve forgotten to add a key ingredient. The children preferred to spend more time playing with their dad because you weren’t energised enough to play the games they wanted to. Your daughter still rejected your milk. It was all too much and you just wanted one nights peace for it to change.

Last night had been that night.

Fuck these were so addicting. You were finally getting the sleep that you so badly craved, only with the help of tablets.

You wanted the sleep because that was the one place you could escape to. You needed that escape to help you get out of bed the next morning. Life was too hard for you to not dream, and without dreaming you didn’t want life.

It started off with taking one every night before bed, but then they stopped working again, so you started taking two, then three. Four was obviously where your body hit its limit.

“Mummy? Can you come tuck me in please?” Oli asked, little toy giraffe in hand and shaking you in hopes of waking you up to send him peacefully off to sleep.

You’d gone to bed a bit earlier tonight, lying saying that you were extremely exhausted. Harry said he would be able to handle things and that’s when you excitedly ran upstairs to take your pills; 4 of them. You’d made it into your bed, feeling slightly drowsy after completing your nighttime routine, but then you started to feel unwell and really ill. Before you’d passed out you’d stuck your fingers down your throat in hopes to make the feeling in your stomach disappear, but it ended up you throwing up all over the bed and pass out right there.

“Mummy! Wake up!” Oli rattled your back, but you were still unresponsive.

Oli padded out of the room and down to his sisters room where he knew his dad was. Belle was being extra fussy this evening and Harry suspected it had everything to do with you retiring early. He heard Oli come into the room just as he’d gotten Belle down.

“Y’alright buddy?” Harry whispered, tip-toeing out of Belle’s room, leaving the door open slightly, and crouched down in front of him.

“No. Mummy’s not waking up.” Oli pouted, rubbing a tired fist over his eye.

“She’s probably in dreamland, bud. She was really tired today.”

“She’s really tired all of the times.”

“I know, Ol.” Because Harry did know, but he was too much of a coward to face up to the problem. The doctors had said that post natal depression can strengthen with every birthed child, but he was too blind sighted by the fact that you’d overcome the first birthed post natal depression so quickly, and was so in love with his baby girl, that he didn’t truly see how bad things had gotten. Harry had tried giving you some space, distancing himself from you in bed and spending more time with the kids so you could relax and rest up, but nothing seemed to be working. He was surprised, actually, that you’d been having better sleep recently and so was hopeful that maybe the worst of the depression was over.

Hell, was he so wrong.

“Go to bed, bud okay? I’ll be there in a minute.”

“Wake mummy up so she can give me a kiss.”

“I’ll try little man, alright?” Harry scuffed his sons hair and then watched him walk off to his room.

Harry walked into your dark room, the air smelling slightly sour, and walked around to your side of the bed. He sat down next to you sighed heavily. He needed to speak to you, no matter how tired or angry you’d be with him. He was losing you as a wife and a mother and a soulmate and a lover. He was just losing you, just as you were losing yourself and he was doing tip-toeing around the problem any longer. He was going to try and make this better. He was going to better understand how you were feeling in order to help you.

“Baby?” He spoke softly, nudging you gently, “Baby wake up.” No response. “Y/N, my love? Wake up for me darling, need to speak with you.” Normally you would’ve stirred by now but there was still nothing. “Y/N?” Harry shook you a bit more urgently now - one that would surely wake even the deepest of sleepers. “Y/N!” He shouted, perhaps a bit too loudly for the comfort of his children.

He turned you over and that’s when he knew this was very, very, bad.

Your face was pale grey and your mouth was covered in the remains of vomit, and he suddenly understood the gross sour smell from before. Your hair was greasy and stuck all in the wet sick all over your face. Your eyes were puffy from the remains of tears. You looked dead.

“No, no, no. Y/N! No you don’t.” Harry’s eyes starting weeping and he couldn’t think straight. He checked your pulse on your wrist and timed it - it was unhealthily faint. He wouldn’t be surprised if you were in your last beats of your heart. His tears and sobs were uncontrollable, but he had to be both strong for you and his children, as well as for him. “Fuck sake pull yourself together Harry. Okay, baby hold on please. Okay? You don’t get to leave me like this, you hear me? I love you so much, baby. Fuck i’m so sorry.” He gently placed your head back down on the pillow and pulled out his phone.

999

“What’s your emergency?”

“I need a-an ambulance p-please. I-I think my wife i-is dying.”

The rest of it was a blur for Harry. Him trying to wake you up. The ambulance arriving. Oli and Felix crying when they saw you being carried away on a stretcher. Belle’s deafening screams. Harry’s heart beating for the both of you.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

It was the rhythmic beeping sounds that woke you up.

Your whole body felt achey and sore, your head a pounding mess. You opened your eyes slowly, adjusting them to the light of the room. You expected to see the family photo on the wall opposite you and the white of your curtains, but you were met with a heart-monitor machine and a hospital bed instead. You looked down at your body and noticed a cannula in your arm, making you squirm because you hated stuff like that so much. Your nose had a tube running inside it too, feeding you the oxygen your lungs weren’t receiving properly.

It then dawned on you how you weren’t in the room alone. You saw a sleeping Anne and Gemma on the chairs in the far corner, with Felix and Oli tucked against their sides - Anne with Oli and Felix with Gemma. It was so cute to see them so cuddled up close. They looked peaceful. You took note of the baby pram that was at the end of your bed, most likely playing bed to your beautiful daughter. Your mind felt lost. You can’t really remember what had happened, apart from taking four of those sleeping pills. You fully remember the weight of feeling worthless and useless as both a mum and a wife, though, and that feeling was still very prominent.

Your eyes lastly landed to the side of you, where Harry was sat but also laid on your bed. The top of half of his body laid upon the bed, his head buried onto this arm deep within the bed, whilst his bottom stayed rooted to the chair. His hand was holding yours tightly, which was a sign that he wasn’t asleep. You were so scared to face him though. You had failed him, again and again and you weren’t sure whether you could be enough for him anymore. Enough for your family anymore.

You squeezed his hand three times saying ‘I love you.’

“Y/N,” He whispered so hoarsely, but you were so focused on him to even catch it. He looked ruined, and you’d done that to him. His eyes were dark and tired, but also red and puffy from where he’d been crying. His hair was a mess and you could tell it hadn’t been washed in a while. How long had you been out for? You felt rested in your sleep, but not in your mind or your heart.

“I—” Your breathe got caught in your throat, but you persevered to finish your words. He deserved to here them. “I’m sorry.” You were whispering so you didn’t disturb anyone else in the room.

“No, stop it. I’m sorry baby.”

“Harry don’t, you don’t have anyt—”

“Stop yes I do I—”

“Harry please you don’t owe—”

“Y/N listen!” He cut the little volley-conversation and ordered you to just stop. You started crying when you saw that he was too. “Whatever you’re going to say, don’t. Whatever you’re thinking, stop it right now. Because I love you. Fuck, I do. I love you so much that when I found you unconscious in a pile of your own sick thinking you were dead, my only thought was that I wished it were me instead”.

“Harry, you don’t mean—”

“My god Y/N! You don’t get it, do you? I would do anything to switch places with you right now. I would suffer a thousand times over if it meant you were okay. I’d suffer in hell for you. Nobody else but you has ever made me feel like this. I married you because I love you and I want to wake up next to you every day of my beating hearts life. I chose to have children with you, because I knew how great of a mum you’d be and what beautiful people you’d help bring up into the world—”

“But i’m not.” You cut Harry short, trying to pull your hand away from him but he didn’t let you - only tightening his grip and pulling himself closer towards you. He was so close you could kiss him.

“Not what?” He asked, although he already knew the answer. You’d both had this conversation before, but you were both tired of it and were ready for it to be your last now.

“A good mum. I’m- i’m not a good mum or wife, Harry and i’m sorry.”

“I told you not say it and stop thinking it, because you’re completely wrong Y/N. You’re a good mother and a good wife, because you are a good person.”

“But i’m not great.” You whimpered, thinking back to the drawings your Oli and Felix had done. “I’m not the best.”

“But you don’t have to be, baby. You see our beautiful, healthy, happy and safe babies over there?” Harry turned to look at them, love in his eyes as in yours. “They wouldn’t be all those things, no matter how you feel about yourself, without you. I could never have brought them up to be half the people they are without you by my side, the way you make me a better person. You claim you don’t got this, but baby you’re already doing it and have been doing it for 5 years with our children and so much longer with me.”

“I’m just so fucked up Harry.” Your head tilted back on the pillow as you got heavily emotional over the situation.

Harry shook his head and moved his hand to cup the back of your neck, moving your head forwards until it met his. The touch of his skin against yours, no matter where and how small, made you feel alive and you’d missed him and that feeling so much. You missed loving him so much.

“Listen to me.” He ordered, keeping you still. “You are strong and you are brave Y/N Styles. No matter what you tell yourself I will be here every goddamn day of my life, if I have to, to remind you that you are worth more than your fucking weight in gold. You are my heart. You are my soul and the mother to my greatest achievements. I know they are yours too, just as I know I am your heart.

“You are.” You whispered so quietly under your breathe, but Harrys heart warmed when he caught you saying it. He knew though.

“Just let me love you. Let me be there for you. If you want medication then let’s do it, and i’ll be there for every step of the way. If you want to go to a rehabilitation centre for a bit, that’s okay we can—”

You shook your head and licked the tears away from your face. You were both such tearful messes, but the love between you was undeniable. “No, no please, no.”

“Okay, okay, love. We won’t. See, you’re okay. I promise, you’re okay. Stay with me, yeah? I’ll love you and keep you safe, just as you will me.”

“Promise.” You told him sincerely. He brought his lips to yours with that single word. He was so proud of your for being so brave and strong. He wishes he was half the person you were. His lips conveyed those thoughts of his and you could taste the love and passion burning through his heart and out on to his lips. He tasted like home. z he was home. Your lips smacked together messily, but you didn’t care because you loved each other too much and had kissed each other even more. Once you pulled back he stayed close to you, smiling at you with such awe. “I think.. I think I want to try medication please.”

Harry didn’t say ‘okay’ or ‘sure thing’, no. He said four words that meant more to you in that moment that any others in the universe. More than saying ‘I love you.’ Words that reminded you that not everything is okay and that sucks really bad, but you’re doing your best to get through it. It was a reminder that you had so many people who loved you and cared for you. It was a gun at the starting line symbolising that the journey ahead wasn’t going to be easy, but worth it.

“I’m proud of you.”

[binaryeclipse]

I’ve been reading ur fics &can I just say I LOVE how u always draw attention to how powerful anakin is cos honestly if I had to criticise 1 thing abt the movies/clone wars it’s that they always allude to how powerful he is/how he’s the chosen one but they rarely ever properly show it in all its glory. I understand cos in a way it’s kind of deus ex machina but u prove it’s possible to find that balance of showing he’s one badass mf but also not using it as a get out of jail free card plot device

Omg thank you so much 💖🧡💛💚💙💜

Anakin's status as the Chosen One is one of my favourite things to explore.

I think in the canon text it's meant to be ambiguous. The Council is wary, rightfully so I might add, that this random child Qui-Gon shows up with is the Chosen One. So they try to treat Anakin as just any other Jedi. It's difficult though, because there is a lot that's extraordinary about him—not that the Jedi haven't had extraordinary members in it's long history because of course they have but amongst his peers he is singular in a way—with mixed success.

And of course ROTS happens and well, I don't think anyone except some weirdos on the internet would call that "bringing balance to the Force".

Even within the Original Trilogy it's still ambiguous if Anakin or Luke is the Chosen One. You can really look at it as either one of them and I think that's something that's very beautiful and also Lucas winking at the inherent confusion that comes with prophecy. I choose to believe Anakin is the Chosen One because it makes his arc a really beautiful one since it's his coming back to the Light and destroying the last figure of the Dark that brings the balance. Luke just gave him a reason and the non-judgmental permission to do so.

There's also a bunch of stuff in Legends where Darth Plagueis' deep dive into bioengineering and the midi-chlorians ended up producing Anakin, which is wild and also I'm kinda glad that's not canon anymore 😂 but it is, again, an interesting take. An artificial Chosen One is a fun concept!

But when it comes to fanfic I really love to lean into it. In fanfic I can say "okay he is the Chosen One so what does that look like?" I want to see the raw power that comes from being essentially a Force Entity crammed into a fragile human body with all the limiting factors that comes with that. The play of the divine and the mortal is so fun.

In the end the mitigating factor on Anakin's power, in canon or otherwise, is himself. Whether you think he's the Chosen One or not, he's still a person with a lot of issues which tend to get in the way of him realizing his true potential. And that's so fun to play with.

Fantastic Cosmic Power meets Depression™ and Anxiety™

[funkymbtifiction]

This pandemic has brought out the worst in me. My sleeping schedule is a mess (I go to sleep at 6am and wake up at 2pm), I'm barely able to get out of the bed, I can barely do the dishes and take out the trash, I spend too much time on YouTube and inside my head, thinking about all the stuff I wanted to work on but being unable to do it.

My memory has also gotten worse - if it's not something I'm not obsessed with then I'll not remember the details. I was trying to snap myself out of this hazy floating by trying to focus my mind at least on reading, which is something I absolutely love, but now I'm unable to focus even on a plot I find interesting and intriguing, my mind immediately starts to wander, or I need to do at least 2 things at once (reading and checking Reddit, or reading and listening to some ambient music). I've also started to not finish stories where I once used to read a book a day.

I know the theory of what I should be doing, but that's it. I'm unable to JUST DO it. I think my Te is trying to motivate me by trying to wake up my conscience, but it's not enough. I hate this because I know I can do things and concentrate and be responsible and productive, but because I'm fine and all my basic needs are met I don't have the need to pull myself together. I used to fuel my 7 by travelling and observing people, but now that we need to stay home, and I have covid (so my friends bring me groceries), my 9w1 core sloth is all too happy to be left alone, with my devices.

I know that this pandemic brought pandemic fatigue with it, plus it's spring and I'm always tired in spring (plus my years-long medical issues with thick blood and low blood pressure), but it's driving me crazy that I could've gotten better at my hobbies and could've reached some of my goals by now only if I DID things. Things that used to work don't help anymore. And then I don't even stay mad long because some new video distracts me.

Is there something from a mbti perspective that can help to start doing things and concentrating on them? (For context I'm an ENFP 9w1 7w6 2w3)

Also thank you so much for this blog, thank you for helping lost souls find their way and be better people, both inside their head and outside when interacting with the outer world ❤️ I haven't been studying mbti for that long but so far I've seen so much valuable information on your blog, and for free!

Are you mad enough at yourself yet to change your behavior?

That's really the bottom line here, because you KNOW that YOU have to start being responsible and doing things and not just wasting your time... but YOU are the only person who will force yourself to do things.

A couple of thoughts. First, I recognize this phenomenon / brain fog. It happened to me several times last year during the pandemic (where I am, things are opening up, so hopefully they will soon for you as well) and I hated it. My mind was unclear, I had lots of things I needed to do but could not focus on any of them. It was, to be honest, a Si grip, which yanks you out of Ne-dom (possibilities, excitement about doing projects, seeing things made real) and turns your intuition into a "fog." There's no access to Fi (do I care about this? if I care, am I a principled person enough to do it?) and no Te (how am I going to prioritize my tasks?), just Si (I'm comfy doing nothing and feeling depressed) and flits of Ne, which only show up as being bored, easily distracted, etc. So some of this is a Si grip, and some of it is general depression (being unfocused, sleeping in late, not taking care of yourself, no motivation even for things you love, unable to finish things). You need to approach it by dealing with both -- getting back into your stronger functions (Ne: envisioning possibilities and finding a purpose, Fi: drawing upon your character and who you want to be and what you care about, to take action, Te: making a plan, forcing yourself to do what needs done, and keeping track of your progress to self-motivate) -- and by recognizing and admitting that you are depressed, and asking what you can do about it.

Second, you have built up some BAD habits during the pandemic. I get it. I fell into some of this as well last autumn, when I ceased being my usual productive self and started leaving work (from home) at 3pm every day. I developed a bad habit of just watching television, which numbed my brain and ultimately bored me. It's only now that I have hope and can go to the store without a mask on that I am feeling happier (my little 7 wing rejoices and has PLANS) and can work through into the late afternoon. I'm re-establishing a schedule that is productive throughout the day instead of allowing myself to "meander" in life. So what you need to do is look at your habits. Make a list of them. Look at what you told me: basically, it is I have become undisciplined, my sleep schedule is bad, and then I wake up late and feel lazy so I don't do anything. What is ONE THING that would jolt you into a different routine? Go to bed on time. Set a time every night, shut off all your devices an hour ahead of it, read a book until you get sleepy, and go to sleep. Wake up at a decent hour. If you wake up at 7am instead of 2pm, your body won't fall into its usual "welp, afternoon is half over, guess I'll watch YouTube" habit. It will go -- wait, what new habit are we forming? Breakfast? Then work?? Okay!

Lastly, and this is HUGELY important for an ENFP -- decide the night before what you are going to accomplish or work on tomorrow. Why? It prepares your brain to know what is expected from it. Unless I do this each night, and have a notion of how I am going to spend my time, my Ne goes ?!?! and I get very little done or waste three hours trying to decide what to do. But if I say, "Okay, tomorrow I am finishing chapter four," I usually finish chapter four (and then some). Today, I have to work at my paying job. I knew this last night, so I am mentally clear and prepared to focus only on the task at hand. I don't treat today as "mine." It belongs to my employer. I know what I am going to do, I intend to do it, and when I get home, I know what else I can work on. Learn to create this habit each night before bed. Decide what tomorrow is going to be like and commit to it.

As for tasks you don't want to do that still need done -- just do them. You can spend 2 weeks avoiding them, or spend an hour and get it over with so you don't feel like crap about yourself because you have kept avoiding it for weeks. Decide, "Tomorrow, I am doing that thing first thing in the morning," and then do it.

You will find that when you start setting yourself tasks (Te) that your Ne starts working properly again -- it will become more focused, less hazy, and more interested in what you can contribute, rather than just mindless "consuming." It's fine to have a down day now and again (even so, it's also useful to have a vague idea the night before of what this day will contain, even if it's fun -- it's fun and exciting to anticipate things) but your life NEEDS structure, or you won't do anything.

I hope you can pull yourself out of this, because you won't be happy unless you do. ENFPs need to get things done, contribute, feel like they are moving forward, and have something to show for their time. Without it, they will get angry at themselves -- as you well know.

[samshogwarts]

My review of 2020

Or: I say thank you.

First of all, sorry for the long post 😅. You guys know I don'tike long posts without a "read more under the line". But I nade the post with my mobile phone.... Aaaaaaaanyway. Also sorry for all the tags. I hope I don't annoyed someone with it <~<. So let's continue:

I think this year has been a particularly difficult year for everyone. As 2020 is drawing to a close, I mentally let the year pass again.

The bottom line is that I have to say that 2020 was turbulent for me, but not necessarily bad. Much good, but also bad, has happened. And I want to start with the bad things right away.

At the beginning of the year, my depression and eating disorder relapsed. I've always had trouble talking about it because I know my friends can't handle this issue. I felt pressured because they wanted to do things with me, but I couldn't. So I withdrew completely, hiding my emotions and wearing a mask.

At that time I created this blog. At first I didn't want to create my own content, just follow the content of @ladycibia, @hogwartsmystory and @kyril-hphm. Incidentally, that is also the reason why I call these 3 blogs the Big Three. So it's their fault that I'm here. Lol.

And then the first Hyops message came at the end of March. A very good friend of mine got Corvid-19 and lost the battle against the disease a few days later. I still remember how the news pulled the floor from under my feet. It feels like I completely lost faith in everything and I started to realize how dangerous this year could be. 

But life goes on and so I visited a friend and her family in early July. It was the anniversary of her husband's death, who was also a very good friend of mine. He died of cancer last year and I couldn't go to his funeral. So I wanted to stop by on the day he died. I actually thought I could do it. But when you read a friend's name on a tombstone for the first time.. Guys, that's a punch in the stomach like no other and I can't really describe how it feels. I had made up my mind not to cry in front of his wife or children because it was hard enough for them. Didn't work.

And of course this year meant to go one better.

Another friend of mine died of the virus in mid-August, leaving behind a wife and a child. Again, I was unable to attend the funeral. And to be honest, it still bothers me way more I want to admit. In two years I lost three wonderful people who meant a lot to me and I couldn't say goodbye to any of them. When I see the three of them again after my death, you can be sure I'll kick their butts for it.

But August was the worst month for me in many ways. In addition to the death of my buddy, my father's family also volunteered. And that means only one thing - trouble.  And properly. I haven't had contact with this family for over 12 years for good reason. Now one person from this family has passed away. And first of all, I don't really care if anyone of them would die. I don't even know the person who passed away. But I wasn't told either by my grandmother or my father. So my deadline to cancel the inheritance has expired. Of course it was debts. You have to know that the inheritance rights of my country are very complicated. The reason my father or grandmother didn't tell me about it was because they didn't want to bother with the paperwork. They always had the opportunity to contact me via Facebook or my half-sister. But that would mean work for them. And while I was walking from lawyer to lawyer to court to court, I was allowed to hear sayings from my grandmother that I apparently have achieved nothing in my life. Nice to know that some people never change. I'm still struggling with this matter to this day and will probably not be able to fully clarify this until the beginning of 2021.

At the end of October everything seemed to be taking its revenge and I passed out at a friend's house. Nobody knows exactly what happened until today, but my friend took me to the hospital where I had to stay one night. That was Halloween. And I'm such a big fan of hospitals hahahaha hahahaha. After that I was allowed to wear an ECG for 2 weeks and it turned out that my heart values ​​had deteriorated. Why not. Let's just take everything with us this year!

Rounding out the negatives this year was my (as a teenager) best friend's suicide. I have to say that I haven't had any contact with this person for 9 years. However, it is the one who cut herself in her youth and then called me afterwards because she didn't know what to do. It was also the one I tried to get into therapy for 2 years. But her mother was always against it. And it was exactly this mother who was standing in my mother's shop, telling her about her daughter's suicide and that I was probably in the farewell letter. I don't know exactly what it said, but the mother now blames me for her daughter's suicide. And do you know what's craziest about the whole thing? I agreed with her! I really thought it was my fault because I knew how sick my former friend was. Yet I was the one who ended the friendship (for many reasons that had nothing to do with her depression). And I still wonder what would have happened if I had acted differently.

But enough of the negative things! A lot of nice things happened this year too. Among other things, I have found a new job within my group, earn more money and have pleasant working hours. I've renovated my apartment and I've started saving money on a new one. My two nieces are now going to school and I am a proud aunt. My male best friend and his girlfriend (my best harry potter friend) are pregnant and are expecting their first child soon and my mother's health is better.

But one of the best things that happened to me this year is this blog.

I already mentioned that I actually only created this blog to stalk the Big Three. I didn't want my own content at all. But I discovered more and more blogs and these incredibly great MCs that I thought I wanted to do whole too. And so Samantha O'Connell was born.

I received so much great support and encouragement on this platform. I don't think many people even realize how much that means to me. Especially this year.

I have also found great and lovable people here, some of whom I also call my friends. Even if we come from other countries, speak other languages ​​and may never see each other in real life, you are my friends and I am grateful to know you.

@annabelle-tanaka-official : I'll start with you of course! XD on tumblr you are just my best friend. I don't write as much with anyone as I do with you. You are such an incredibly talented person and so warm hearted! Over the year we have invented so many insiders that soon nobody will know what we mean.  Be it the monster hug, or that my cats are your spies or our many RP scenarios, which I really enjoy and which always make me laugh. I thank you for that!! I love you so much and I am so glad that we are friends! *minster hug*

@lunasilvermorny / @lunasilvermore : you are next to you !!! XD the next person I write to almost every day. What started with a little conversation about among us has turned into a friendship. I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to streaming with you next year (and this year)!!! You are such a good listener that strengthens me. Your support is so nice of you too! Just the fact that you have subscribed to my YouTube channel xD (because of the language I even have an idea). I'm looking forward to the next year with you! Thank you so much for dealing with my craziness and still likes me! 

@kyril-hphm : muahahahaha. You can't escape me !!! Yes, what should I say? One of my big three even made friends with me. One of my Senpais noticed me! And then it's a lovely fluffy marshmallow! I still think it's funny  that we have such similar circuits and hearts! Nevertheless you are an incredibly honest, loving and talented person. I've never told you before, but sometimes I stare (for 20 minutes +) at your drawings to improve my style (just not working so far). You are an honest person and I am happy every time we talk, or when you react to my content. I would like to say thank you for that too! You are great and you can trust yourself more.

@carewyncromwell : my Chinese fireball, my Disney princess. Yes, for me you exude the aura of a Disney princess and nothing can change my mind. So! You were one of the first friends I made here on tumblr and one of the first to write with me! I still remember how proud and nervous I was back then! Just when I was in the hospital on Halloween and couldn't sleep that night, you kept texting me and distracting me from my fear. That means a lot to me. You are such a creative and lovable person too. Ah, that's just amazing. Your comments or hashtags always make me grin or laugh. Thank you for all your support and help!

@catohphm : my fluffier Ravenclaw brother!!! Of course you can't be missing either. I also write with you almost every day and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your kind words and your support. I just love the energy between Samantha and Cato. And it's always fun to write RP with you!  Thank you for being such a lovely and kind person!

@mira-shard : MIRAAAAAAA! It's kind of funny how long we've basically walked next to each other without talking to each other. And now I don't want to miss you anymore! You are such a fun and happy person. Writing with you is just fun! I also love your cosplay photos. Someday I'll come to visit you, and then we'll do cosplay shootings together until the camera bleeds! I would also like to thank you for your support and your kindness. 

@sirfluffig : ha. I hope you didn't think you were escaping me! Where should I start with you? Maybe that you were one of the first to give me such lovely feedback on Samantha? Or this super funny stream and that you helped me to stream in English? Or just like that, when we talk about our MCs or pen and paper. It's definitely always fun. I want to thank you for that and I'm looking forward to playing together again soon (get Among us)

@nightrhea-hphm : * run into you in slowmotion * Night! My wonderful supportive Gremlin! I've grown very fond of them over the years. And your support and feedback are just amazing. I also love the friendship between Night and Samantha. I think it's very similar to ours, right? You are also such an incredibly creative and lovable person. You make you feel like it's ok to be who you are. Thank you!

Of course there are many, many more like @rosievixen, @wangxianforever000 , @mollydarling-hphm , @morningstarinwinter , @hogwarts9, @hphm-brooke , @raymondhope-writer , @nikyiscreepy , @immagrosscandy , @mizutoyama , @ariparri-hphm and many many more.

I want to thank you all for your encouragement, support and feedback. You are the reasons why I am adding more and more details to this blog, why I dared to start with the fan comic and many more. 

It's still so amazing for me to meet so many talented, creative, kind and funny people. 

This year showed me again that life isn't just black or white. Life is Grey. Good things and bad things happen. Sometimes one side more than the other side. But as long we are taking the next step, life wl continues. Just keep in mind, as like you support me, I want to support you. So if you ever wanna talk, no matter what, remember you guys can always contact me. 

I'm really looking forward to next year and already have so many plans. I can not wait any longer. Enjoy the last days of the year, stay safe and most important: they the way you are guys! 

Love you all so much. 

[bluephoenixdruidicprincess]

Shadowhunters 3x11, Lost Souls -- Review

It's that time of the year again where I put myself through the torture of enduring this show. Watching this show is like going on an endurance run. You drag your feet when you first start, when you get acclimated to the level of exercise, you think "hey, this isn't too bad" and then by the end, it's just pain...but also a sense of pride that you made it through. That's been my experience with the show, anyway. And it's basically how I felt about Shadowhunters 3x11, Lost Souls.

I would like to preface this review with saying that I am NOT a huge supporter of this show. I do enjoy certain elements of it but I'm not what would be classified as a devoted fan. For me, Shadowhunters is not a good show and I do get very critical of the show in my reviews. Honestly, for me, I watch the show because 1) I'm too curious not to and 2) I find that this show can be so bad its funny and that's how I reap enjoyment out of it. I am not at all invested in this show or its characters anymore. I'm just watching to see what happens. If you're a die hard fan and you lash out at everyone who has a different opinion than you, you might want to skip these...I'm just saying. My reviews may not be for you. If you do decide to be a total troll, well then pay attention to the below disclaimer.

This is going to be an honest review of my thoughts and feelings regarding this episode. If you're the kind of Shadowhunters fan where you only want to hear positive things about the show, this is not the place for you. If you decide to stick around and get offended by what is said, then that's on you. I warned you. Just know that if you send me any rude comments or messages, I will 100% ignore you. I find that's the best way to deal with bullies. I work 14 hour days. Do you really think I want to waste my incredibly valuable free time dealing with derogatory comments? Hell no. This review will consist of my honest opinions. Opinions are never right or wrong. I'm not telling YOU how to think and feel. I'm telling you what I, quirky and socially awkward me, think and feel. So please, lets discuss with dignity and respect. If I'm critical about this show, it's only because I want it to get better. There is, in fact, a difference between hating a show and being critical of it. I do not hate Shadowhunters, I am being critical and analyzing the flaws as I would with any other show. There are positives but there are also negatives. It's great if you want to promote positivity with this show (and I encourage you to do so) but that doesn't mean I'm not going to point out the things that are legitimately wrong with it. Also, keep in mind that despite the fact that I do like the books, me being critical of this show has nothing to do with my fondness for the books. I don't really care if the show deviates from the source material as long as the changes are good, it makes sense, and it doesn't create plot holes within the confines of the world the show has created. My problems with this show are problems I would have with any show or book for that matter. I think it's perfectly reasonable to take issue with a show that has plot holes, shoddy world building, and inconsistent characters. There will be spoilers for the books and movie.

We are at last embarking upon the final episodes of this show and if this episode is what's going to set the tone for the remaining episodes, then I'm glad it's the final episodes because...well, this episode wasn't great and is a perfect example of what I won't miss about Shadowhunters. Bland and cringey dialogue, more characters than it knows what to do with, and too much jumping across plot points. There are individual moments in the episode I enjoyed but overall, this isn't an episode I loved.

The Loss of the Mary Sue

I'm not entirely certain of the timeline in this episode. The episode never specifies on exactly how many days have passed since the 3A finale but I'm going to estimate about a week or so. Everyone believes Clary died in the explosion caused by Lillith attacking Simon.

The episode opens with Jace, Izzy, and Alec chasing after a downworlder and Jace makes some very shoddy decisions in this fight that lets you see just how reckless he's become in the wake of Clary's "death". We then get a montage of everyone missing Clary and the more significant one is Jace, that's the one they spent the most amount of time on. He's basically walking through Clary's room remembering all the times he spent with Clary...so basically three memories. Another classic example of what I've always been talking about when it comes to the adaptation changes. Clary and Jace have barely spent any amount of time together, even less actually dating and I'm supposed to believe that they're each other's one true love...not going to happen because the show didn't develop it at all. There's a moment in the montage where Jace starts looking at Clary's drawings and getting really emotional about it and I felt nothing because Jace has never been shown to take any sort of interest in Clary's artwork before. In fact, if it weren't for that one scene in 3A, I wouldn't even have known that Clary was still drawing. By the show deviating from the books in the way they did, Clace had less development but yet the show still wants to continue the aspect of Clace being hopelessly in love from the books. You can't make a significant change from the source material and then pages down the line expect to pick up exactly where you left off. By making the change, you changed the entire context of the relationship so now the entire story has to change in order to fit that new narrative. Sadly, the Shadowhunters writers have not figured that out yet and continue to make that same mistake...or they're lazy, it could be that, too. Jace eventually gets so depressed that it's implied that he's contemplating suicide but Izzy is able to talk to him and get him to think. And then she just leaves him after making him promise he won’t go through with it. If anyone's wondering, if you catch someone who you believe may be contemplating suicide, do not UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, LEAVE THEM ALONE!!! Particularly in a dark room. Being in a dark enclosed space is not the kind of place that typically sends out positive energy. But I suppose I can cut Izzy a little bit of a break. It's entirely possible the Shadowhunter world doesn't really understand how to help someone who's experiencing suicidal thoughts. They certainly didn’t help out Jace’s mother. Alec also confronts Jace about this in probably the only believable scene in this entire episode. Seriously, I've never been a Jalec shipper but I totally understand why people ship them. Matt and Dom are probably the only actors who actually have any chemistry with each other. But Alec tells Jace he's doing the memory of Clary a disservice and that if Jace were to die, it would destroy him as well. In other words, Jace isn't the only one who's going to be affected by this decision. Jace eventually is called by Luke who for some reason appears to be living in a motel room. I don't know why but whatever. Luke doesn't believe Clary is actually dead and he tries to convince Jace through some really weird conspiracy theory that probably even flat-earthers would find difficult to believe. But hey, if it leads to them finding Clary, I'll go with it. And I understand why Luke is unable to accept even the possibility that Clary might be gone for good. He can't think that about someone who he basically views as his daughter and the last connection he has to Jocelyn. Luke gives the evidence to Jace and tells Jace to at least check it out.

Simon, understandably, is also having a difficult time with all this. And Maia returns to give him emotional support despite leaving for a very particular and totally understandable reason but Simon needs her so of course she comes back for him. It's not like Maia exists for anything else but for Simon's character arc. Both Simon and Izzy kind of passive-aggressively shame Maia about leaving. And I'm particualrly disappointed in Izzy telling Maia about what happened to Simon's family as that's a very deeply personal issue and Simon should've been the one to tell her. It wasn't Izzy's secret to tell. I get that they were trying to use that scene to exposit information to the audience but there were better ways of doing that. Hell, it could've just been Izzy making an off-handed comment about Simon. Maia could've been talking to Izzy about how badly Simon is doing with the Clary situation and Izzy could've been all, "especially with what happened with his family" and Maia could've been shocked and Izzy could've been flabbergasted because she didn't know Maia didn't know. That would've been a much better way for the situation to be handled. But I'm not too pleased with Izzy saying in response to Maia not knowing, "well how could you? you weren't around." Just the insinuation that Maia should stay around and support her man and not go off and get in the right head space to properly heal herself after dealing with the re-emergence of her abuser. But I suppose I shouldn’t expect any different from Izzy seeing as she, herself, also only exists to give support the other characters. I think these passive aggressive intonations of shaming Maia are really horrible and shame on the writer. Maia, Izzy, and Simon decide to work together to find a way to get rid of the Mark of Cain from Simon's forehead. They talk to Raphael who now works at a soup kitchen in Detroit and Raphael tells them the tale of some dude chilling in the sewers of NYC who could possibly be the oldest vampire alive and may have answers to the removal of the Mark of Cain. Maia decides not to help Simon on this as its a bad idea for a werewolf and a vampire to meet and I almost forgot that was a thing, the show so rarely does anything with the vampire vs werewolf dynamic. But of course Maia has to back off to give room for Sizzy. I’m really not a big fan of Sizzy being explored here as everything that made Sizzy fun and interesting in the books has been completely stripped from the show. I’d much prefer Saia on the show. But really, I just want Maia and Izzy to have their own character arc, though that doesn’t revolve around shipping. 

The Malec B-Plot

We have a Malec B-plot that I found just completely unnecessary wherein Iris returns and kidnaps Magnus because she wants to get Madzie back. She falls for the most obvious trap in the world and hopefully we never see Iris again. What it does for Magnus's story works I guess but I just found it to be a really obtrusive subplot that didn’t fit at all with the episode. I'm not sure if it's just the fact that I've been away from the show for a year so I can see the the show a little more clearly now but the Malec chemistry is no longer working for me. Maybe it's just that I've always paid more attention to how alarmingly unequal their relationship is but I'm looking at the body language they're giving off and its not the kind of body language you would expect from lovers. They're so stiff around each other and not relaxed at all.

In fact, there's a line in this episode where Malec has just put Madzie to bed as they're baby-sitting her and Alec kisses Magnus and Magnus tells him to stop because they have a child in the apartment currently. Alec kind of scoffs because it's just a kiss and Magnus is all, "You know how we get." And I'm like, "Do we really, though?" There's plenty of scenes of them talking and I can buy them as friends with that but lovers? I’m having a difficult time actually buying that now. Like I said before, the Jalec scene was way more believable than any Malec scene in this episode.

But Magnus decides he doesn't want to feel helpess ever again so he decides he needs to learn how to fight. Honestly, I was surprised to learn that this is implying he doesn't even seem to really have any basic self-defense capabilities. The way he was swinging the sword earlier in this episode lead to me to believe otherwise. Plus, Harry Shum Jr is a pretty buff dude but I guess maybe Magnus lifts weights and that’s it. Alec decides to help him out on this venture, though.

Siblings Reunited

We find out that Clary is indeed not dead and that Jonathon's back. I'll be real, here. It's kind of hard to feel sad for Jace or Simon or Luke or anyone really regarding the "death" of Clary, considering this entire episode is interspliced with moments of Clary being very much alive. Honestly, I think this episode would've functioned better if it was just about showing everyone going through all the different stages of grief regarding Clary and at the end of the episode when they've hit the acceptance stage, that's when we see Clary wake up in the apartment with Jonathon. But whatever. The show decided not to go that route so we have to make do with what we got. Clary wakes up and looking pretty damn fantastic for someone who's been asleep for days. Not a strand of hair out of place, make-up is flawless, and not a wrinkle to be found on her clothing. In fact, I think they're in even better condition than they were when Clary initially had to put them on. Clary also isn't even the slightest bit groggy, she knows exactly where she's at and everything. Clary does comas well. Jonathon tells Clary that it is indeed him, her big brother and that before Lillith was sent to hell she sent them away to Siberia, apparently. Clary plays nice for a little bit with Jonathon but decides to chance out in the cold of Siberia. It's nice to see that in her state of unconsciousness her muscles didn't atrophy from lack of movement or deteriorate from lack of food. But Clary fails in her escape, Jonathon finds her and brings her back. Clary tries to stab him with a knife but they both find out that what happens to one person will also happen to the other. So yeah, we're full in City of Lost Souls plot here which is ironically the title of this episode. Shadowhunters has never been all that subtle. This new actor for Jonathon is going to take some getting used to. Will Tudor did a phenomenal job with him so its difficult to see this new guy as Jonathon. But it also is difficult to take Clary's anger and hatred of Jonathon seriously when you think about all that Jonathon's really done on the show is kill a shadowhunter Clary had never met before and then injured Max and Max swiftly recovered. Clary is all about painting him as the worst possible being and indeed, in the books, he is but here, while he may be a bad guy who's done really bad things, I don't know if its deserving of that level of hatred. We haven't exactly seen a lot of his horrifying dastardly deeds. Another example of making a change and then thinking you can still keep the same storyline at a later point in the story. I'm certainly not saying I wanted Max to die but story-telling wise, it would make the emotions Clary's feeling here a little more believable. But I'm actually really interested to see where this whole Jonathon and Clary plot goes. In the books, it's Jace that's put in this situation so it'll be interestig to see how the show tackles Clary being in this situation. I'm also wondering, because they seem to be trying to stay away from the incest vibes here, is Jonathon going to gain an unhealthy obsession with Jace instead of Clary? In the books, Clary was who Jonathon was creepily obsessed with. He was equating possession with love and viewed that Clary belonged to him in every way imaginable. So since the roles of Clary and Jace have been reversed here, will Jonathon's obsession now change from Clary to Jace? Probably not but it would've been interesting to see for sure. I mean, if you're going to do a role reversal, you might as well go all the way, right?

The Clave Acting Shady AF

The Clave is being super shady right now. They appear to be doing experiments on the incarcerated downworlders and all I can say is, "do we really need this?" And also, "Why is it being implied that Jia knows about this and is okay with this?" The interesting thing about Jia in the books was the fact that she was the first step in the leadership to help get rid of the more corrupt aspects of the Clave and instigating change. But I suppose it's per the norm for the show to make everyone but the main group a bad guy instead of morally grey. As I've said before, this show has no concept of subtlety. I can only imagine that this is leading into the part in City of Glass the show hasn't done yet wherein the alliance rune is going to be introduced but instead of using it to fight Valentine, they're going to use it to fight Jonathon. That's what these downworlder experiments seem to be leading into as it reminds me a lot of Valentine experimenting in the books. I'm sure there was 0 social commentary intended when writing this into the show, though...but I think its safe to say it's totally social commentary. The show isn't very subtle, once again.

But good news is it looks like Ollie is gone for good so yay! I am side-eying the show, though about that. What was the point of introducing her if you weren't going to do anything with her? I'd say they probably wasted about half of 3A with Ollie unnecessarily. But maybe if this show hadn't been cancelled, Ollie would've played a more significant role? Well anyway, at least some of the fat has been trimmed.

My biggest issue, as always, is the dialogue. The dialogue felt extremely one-note. It was almost like the writer made a flow chart of what they wanted to happen in this episode and was like, "crap! I guess my characters do need to speak, here's some lines to explain what's going on." The dialogue basically existed solely for the purpose of giving exposition but the real kicker is that it was really unnecessary. I could've had this episode on silent (and that might've even have made it an improvement) and I would've understood what was happening perfectly. The dialogue really didn't add anything to the experience, it just made the episode feel more awkward than it already was. And then there continues the trend of Shadowhunters treating their awesome plans as if they’re the most clever plans in the world when in actuality, the plan is beyond obvious and it was super cringey and awkward seeing Izzy being treated as this amazing strategist for making the obvious move. And the episode was already plenty awkward with the constant cutting. It's really difficult to enjoy any particular subplot going on in this show when we only spend maybe 30 seconds to a minute on any particular moment. I kind of wish this show structured their episodes more around themes as opposed to plot. Plot is temporary, plot is always changing but exploring themes through plot gives you more of an appreciation not only for the characters but the story, itself. While I didn't mind sequences in this episode, at the end of the day, it just kind of left me feeling empty. I also think the acting felt a little stilted as well. I wasn't a big fan of any of the performances given in this episode and whereas I've never thought anyone on this show was oscar-worthy for their performances in the past on this show, their performances have always been maybe a C+ to a B. But in this episode, it just didn't feel like any of the actors' hearts were in it. Now granted, that could be a side effect of the script because, as I've mentioned before, the script wasn't great. Or it could've been the directing. There's a lot of reasons for why acting can feel stilted and it very rarely has to do with the actor or actress being bad at acting.

I've made notes about how the dialogue and acting was stilted but those weren't the only things that were. The fight choreography and the blocking felt a little off as well. For starters, the fight choreography did not feel organic. It was strangely reminiscent of season 1 fight choreography. The constant jump cuts so you don't see too much of what's actually happening and just feeling like fight scenes move very slowly. Like the reaction times between sword swing to parry were very slow and it kept on taking me out of the moment. Then you also had moments where Alec and Izzy catch up with Jace in the sewer and everyone's staring at the seelie they're trying to capture for a good 5 seconds before the actual fight continues. And then there's just strange blocking choices where a character walks to a point in the room and then delivers their line but the walk to the new mark wasn’t organic and actually made the line feel more awkward.

I'd probably give this episode a C+. It was passable, with enjoyable moments but ultimately not something I have any desire to return to. There were cute moments (primarily Jalec and Madzie), but overall as an episode, not something to be too terribly impressed with. And yes, there were moments I did like. It’s not my fault the show just had more bad parts I felt compelled to talk about.

[coramatus]

Ok so... I don't mean to go mixing paints, but just imagine how funny/cute it would be if your Kitsune!Mob AU combined with the Hobo!Mob AU? Like... Mob saves young Reigen from the bullies, wanders off before Reigen thanks him, and instead of finding the man, he finds a dirty fox passed out under a bridge. Rather than call animal control, he brings it home, mistaking it for the mysterious man's dog or whatev, and thinks he'll take care of it and bring it back to the man to return the favor.

Um... actually?

That’s the idea that provided the basis of the Hobo!Mob AU. 😅

One day, just for fun, I decided to see what an ageswapped Mythical AU looked like. What I came up with ended up providing a lot of key ideas to the H!M AU, which I ultimately decided was probably the stronger story to follow. And because I can, imma share the contents of that first brainstorming document and will offer all 3k words of it to you under the cut.

Age!Swap Mythical AU - Because why not?

Reigen is 14; Mob is 28.

Mob is still a magical fox. But in growing up without a guiding hand, his life doesn’t go so great. He suffers from depression and suicidal tendencies as he is exhausted of humanity. But as a fox, complex emotions are dulled, taking a backseat to survival instincts. For that reason, he’s spent the last few years living as a fox on the streets, surviving off of garbage and rats. In some ways, things are clearer as a fox, but in others, it seems to rob him of his higher brain functions. And as a fox, his life is that much more in peril as it’s a struggle to survive. If he dies on the streets, likely no one will ever find out what happened to him. But life as a human is so painful that he doesn’t want to consider it anymore.

This is how he winds up cornered by two stray dogs, looking to make either a meal or chew toy out of him. It doesn’t help that he’s already mentally compromised from starvation and illness, meaning he doesn’t even think to shift back to human or use his magic to scare them off. He does get a good few bites on the dogs before they overwhelm him. But something comes barreling in, chasing away his attackers, giving him a chance to flee and hide in a corner.

His savior is a strawberry blonde kid, who comes up to him to see if he’s OK. Mob clearly isn’t and tries to scare the boy off, but he’s hardly deterred. Instead, he uses his jacket to catch Mob and cart him home, keeping a firm grip on him even with his struggling. Mob is scared out of his mind, until the kid starts talking to him.

The kid’s name is Reigen Arataka, Mob learns. And he is very earnest about helping what he thinks is an injured dog, explaining what he’s doing in hopes that maybe this animal will somehow understand him. Something in his words reaches Mob through his mental fog and he stops fighting the kid, going limp in the boy’s arms. This confuses the boy to no end, but decides not to question his luck.

Arataka takes Mob home of course, tending to the fox’s injuries, cleaning him up (which reveals Mob is in fact a fox), and feeding him. Mob is pliant this entire time, only protesting if anything hurts. Despite his instincts urging him to flee, Mob’s softer side isn’t willing to hurt a cub, especially one who’s only trying to help. So he lets Arataka do what he needs to do. After several trying hours, Mob is set into a box to recover in peace.

As Mob heals, the food and rest makes it much easier to think and observe his surroundings. He takes a liking to Arataka, as the kid is always gentle and enjoys talking to him, sometimes going on about his day, sometimes talking about his problems, sometimes nothing in particular. Mob becomes the boy’s confidante, sensing that Arataka is really a very lonely kid. For all his outgoing bluster, he doesn’t have any close friends. His parents aren’t around as much as they ought to be and the house is often empty of other people. So Mob is always willing to provide cuddles and allows himself to be scratched and petted. He knows all too well how terrible it is to be alone.

Eventually, Mob’s injuries heal and Arataka realizes he needs to let Mob go. The boy figures that the fox must be someone’s pet, both from Mob’s coloration and tameness. Fliers are put up around town asking for the owner of a found pet fox. Arataka hopes to high heaven that no one comes to claim Mob, but someone eventually does call in and asks to take a look.

When the doorbell rings, Arataka meets a man with spiky black hair who introduces himself as Kageyama Ritsu. He looks a bit annoyed to be there oddly enough. The moment he spots Mob, he just facepalms and goes “Shigeo, really?”

Arataka is heartbroken. He tries not to cry, but loses it when Mob comes up to comfort him. The boy doesn’t notice the looks going back and forth between the fox and his “owner”. Kageyama-san eventually clears his throat, asking for a moment alone with his br- pet. Arataka’s mom does her best to comfort her son, while the other two step into a side room.

The first rusty words out of Mob’s muzzle are that he wants to stay with Arataka. Ritsu is furious. Mob disappears into the wilds all those years ago with no contact only to show up now as some kid’s pet?? What is he thinking? Ritsu has been out of his mind terrified that his brother died! Mob needs to stay human and to try working through his problems like a normal adult. Mob looks ashamed but says he can’t leave, not when Arataka needs him more. Ritsu isn’t swayed by this, kind of offended that his brother would rather stay with some kid than this own family. But Mob asserts that he’s so, so tired of living as a human, tired of trying to find reasons to keep going. As a fox, the act of being alive is so much easier. Ritsu isn’t any happier to hear this, but even he isn’t willing to see his brother suffering as a human while he has some purpose as a fox. Mob is not blind to this, doing his best to reassure his brother that he’s working through things his own way. The younger brother just sighs. He’s not sure what to do here. Mob thinks for a moment before making a suggestion…

When Kageyama-san comes back out with Mob in his arms, Arataka is resigned to saying goodbye. But then the man uncomfortably admits that while the fox belongs to his family, he hasn’t had time to properly care for him. He’d actually been trying to rehome him before the fox got loose. He can see how much the two have bonded and it wouldn’t be right to break that. So he makes a proposal: Arataka can take care of the fox (with his parent’s permission) while Kageyama-san will send money for whatever expenses his bro- pet needs. Basically, an extended pet-sitting job. He’ll check in every so often to make sure things are OK, since the fox means a lot to him. And his family. Yeah.

Arataka almost can’t believe what he’s hearing and looks to his mom, practically begging her to agree. Though Reigen’s mom was initially upset at Mob’s presence, she can see how much happier her son is with a pet. And it helps that Mob is the cleanest, most well-behaved pet she’s ever met. So she agrees and it’s the best day of Arataka’s life.

After working things through with Reigen’s mom, Kageyama-san makes sure to share an important bit of info: The fox’s actual name is Kageyama Shigeo. But he’ll also answer to Mob. Maybe Sesame too since that’s what Arataka’s been calling him. The boy nods solemnly, promising to be the best caretaker Mob-san has ever had.

So life moves on with Mob as a more permanent fixture in Arataka’s life. The boy couldn’t be any happier. He for one, loves having a fuzzy best friend that’s so tolerant about the silly things he does. He likes making internet videos with the two of them, usually of Arataka puppeteering a docile Mob into doing goofy things (Ritsu learns just how funny his brother’s ‘NO’ face as a fox looks). Otherwise, they spend time in the park, Arataka getting Mob to play fetch (where Mob sometimes fetches the wrong item on purpose just to see how the boy reacts) or some other game. One thing that Arataka learns early on is that ‘Mob’ is not short for anything, as much as he thinks Mobius would be an amazing name (Mob disagrees). At home, Mob is very conscientious. He never makes messes, never makes more noise than he needs to, and generally tries to make his presence as unobtrusive as possible. He’s always very careful to avoid when people are naked or covering his eyes if he can’t. He might technically be an adult human male, but he’s no pervert. But he’s not opposed to sharing a bed, usually with Arataka snuggling him like a teddy bear. This is probably the happiest either have been in a long time.

Inevitably, the truth finds its way out. It starts when Arataka gets it in his head that he should totally be a ghost exorcist when he grows up. He does the usual things kids do when the idea of ghost hunting bites them: watch ghost movies, buy ghost hunting junk, research how to do it, all that good stuff. Mob just watches on in amusement. Since he was always able to see ghosts, he never got the appeal of interacting with them, especially because they tended to be malevolent in his experience. He figures it’s just a phase or something and Arataka will move on to something else.

But it doesn’t. Mob then has to accompany/protect the kid when he starts to poke around in haunted places, hoping to find something, anything that’s worthwhile. And one day he does. Arataka accidentally enrages an old and powerful evil spirit with his trespassing. Though he’s excited at what he’s found, it turns to fear as it attacks him, managing to land a solid hit on the boy. That’s enough for Mob to explode, furiously drawing on his magic to obliterate the spirit. Mob is forced to speak in order to grasp the extent of Arataka’s injuries in order to heal him.

When Arataka comes to, he spots Mob attempting to leave without him and yells at him to wait. Mob tries to pretend he doesn’t understand, but he’s a terrible liar, even as a fox. Because Arataka is positive Mob is a magic fox and can talk. With a heavy heart, Mob admits that he is.

With Arataka’s prodding, Mob reluctantly reveals that yes, he was born human, with his fox powers awakened very early in life. That he’s really in his late-twenties and no he doesn’t have a life outside of the one he lives now. No, he never managed to get into either college or a job. Yes, he lived on the streets for a few years, eating garbage and rats. Um, rats can taste good depending on what it was eating. No, Ritsu is not his owner, but his brother. Yes, his brother’s a fox too, but he prefers living as a human. Arataka then asks why Mob doesn’t live like his brother, why he’s okay with being stuck as a pet. Mob firmly tells Arataka that he doesn’t want to be human. The boy looks a bit hurt at that, Mob quickly amending that, no, Arataka being human is fine. Humanity just didn’t work for Mob. He was never very good at it. And since he had options, he chose to forgo it entirely. It’s not unheard of for those who can shapeshift to simply abandon humanity and flee into the wilderness.

But this puts Mob in an uncomfortable position. With the truth revealed, there’s no way they can go back to the way things were. It’d be better if Mob simply moved on. But Arataka refuses to let that happen. Yeah, this is weird, but now this means they��re on more even ground. Mob doesn’t have to be treated like a dumb animal. And… Mob’s been the best friend he’s ever had. Best friends don’t just leave each other. And he’s afraid for Mob. He recognizes the thin scars hidden under Mob’s fur for what they are. No, he can’t call Mob a pet in good conscience. But he still wants to call him his friend.

Though he’s hesitant, Mob admits he does too.

(More character development involving Mob and Reigen navigating their weird friendship of magic fox and boy would take place here, say maybe 6 months passing in story. Ritsu would drop the act that his brother is his pet. Reigen’s mom would wonder why her son’s now talking to his pet like a person. And why is the fox responding like a person??)

(insert dramatic event)

For the first time in years, Mob assumes human form to fight off a threat in the form of a full-grown human. As a man, Mob looks haggard, several years worth of beard on his face, hair long and messy, clothes tattered and dirty. He wins the fight. However, when he sees Arataka’s shocked face, Mob takes it the wrong way and freaks out, apologizing like mad through crying he can’t stop. He turns tail and runs, changing back into a fox and running away as fast as he can, Arataka’s frantic yelling falling on deaf ears.

Mob runs for a long time, without a destination in mind. But eventually, he starts to recognize the area as where his brother lives. At a complete loss, he goes to Ritsu’s place and begs him for help. Ritsu has no idea what’s going on, but lets his brother in. After some coaxing, Mob explains what happened. He’s ashamed of himself, he saw how Arataka looked at him as a human and he doesn’t think the boy will ever want to be near him again. Ritsu doesn’t understand and finally asks for Mob to change back to human form so he can maybe see what he’s talking about. Mob reluctantly does and for the first time, Ritsu realizes just what terrible shape his brother is in, that he’d underestimated just how much pain Mob was in this entire time. Mob is ready to bolt, but Ritsu holds onto him, unwilling to let him fall apart even further.

Mob spends a few days at Ritsu’s trying to recuperate in human form. Most of that time is spent sleeping. He cleans up, but doesn’t bother cutting his hair or shaving, feeling like it’s pointless since he’s going to be a fox again soon. A lot of the feelings of worthlessness and self-hatred come rushing back. Several nights are spent crying, with Ritsu trying to comfort his brother. Mob eventually reveals his cutting scars to his brother for the first time, admitting to how extensively he did so (on his upper arms, a few on his wrist, his thighs, his sides, his stomach).

And then one day, while Ritsu is working and Mob is trying not to dissociate in bed, Arataka shows up out of nowhere. He had to search through every single Kageyama in the phonebook before he managed to find them. The phonebook! Who does that anymore?? At least this is only the sixth place he checked. Mob is so stunned that Arataka slips past him and into the apartment before he thinks to shut the door. The boy immediately cuts to the chase, telling Mob that he’d been worried about him. Was it something he did? He’ll make up for it, he promises!

(Mob and Reigen talk as humans for the first time. Mob’s nervous, but Reigen reassures him that it’s not weird. OK, it’s kinda weird, but Reigen’s had a few days to prepare for this, so he’s gotten used to the idea. They have a heart to heart about their feelings and what Mob intends to do now. Mob has no idea, but Reigen does.)

So Arataka unveils his plans for the Spirits and Such Consultation Agency. People sometimes need exorcisms. Mob can do that. Arataka can help facilitate things. It’s win-win for everyone! Mob is more skeptical. He doubts that many people need that kind of help. And even if they did, they wouldn’t go to a fox for that. But Arataka points out that, no, Mob can be the human adult that customers need to see before they feel they’re worth the time. He is right now! Mob just points to his overgrown look, as in, who’d hire a hobo like me? Arataka just grins at him. Oh, he knows. That’s why he came prepared.

The next few hours sees the judicious use of an electric razor with a pair of scissors and ends with a lot of hair on the floor and a clean-shaven, bowl-cut Mob staring into a mirror, barely recognizing himself. He looks… human again. Arataka then throws a bunch of clothes at Mob, telling him to try them on. Mob’s wonders where Arataka got these, but the boy just admits he raided Ritsu’s closet. In the end, he comes out wearing a soft black turtleneck, black slacks, and a sharp white jacket. Arataka thinks it’s perfect. It’s just the professional image needed for the face of the new company. Mob just hopes Ritsu doesn’t get too mad at him for taking his clothes. Because he kinda likes the outfit.

At this point, Ritsu comes home. Seeing the new Mob startles him so bad that Ritsu’s fox ears and tail come out (the first time Arataka ever sees any sign of them). Though alarmed, Ritsu is happy for his brother. But maybe just give him a warning next time he decides to look like a completely different person after only a few hours. All of this is pretty overwhelming for Mob, who feels like he’s barreling straight back into the human world. He’s not sure if he’s ready for this.

(Reigen reassures him that if he wants to go back to the way things were, it’s still an option. While it’s tempting, Mob decides he’s tired of running away. Because now the future doesn’t look so bleak anymore. He can see a place for himself in it. And with that, he takes his first steps out into an uncertain future, certain that his friends and family will be there behind him, ready to catch him if he falters.)

(OK, honestly, I never had a real ending in mind for this. Never really knew what to do with it before the non-fox version of this wound up taking up more brain space and got more compelling the more research into Japanese culture I did.)

Anyways, if you somehow made it here, congratulations! You read some of my weird brain gibberish! If for some reason anyone wants to take this idea and run with it, go right ahead! I’m not using it, may as well let someone else have fun with this! I have no way of stopping you! 8D