#i don't think i'll genuinely ever feel so comfortable in a network

[blaiddllodi]

TOA Anniversary Munday

Celebrating TOA and the people who contribute to make our group what it is.

Repost, don't reblog. Only fill in what you feel comfortable sharing!

Happy anniversary, TOA! Here's to many more years spent together.

(Previous answers here on Raven's blog. Thanks for putting this together Neffi!)

Name: tches!

Pronouns: she/they

Birthday (no year): 22 Dec

Where are you from? What is your time zone? From Germany, but I live in Colorado

How long is your roleplay experience? A few years in 2005, and now my tenure here

How were you introduced to roleplaying as a whole? Uhhhhh probably Yahoo chatrooms if I'm honest, but I spent most of my time in Livejournal communities

How were you introduced to TOA? I found it scrolling the Raven tag and I saw mirae's drop. Didn't join at this time. Then Elf advertised in a mutual server and I was like Hm. Maybe I will.

Do you have any pets? The server knows my beloved Coriander my baby my light my heart. I also live with two GSDs, Ursa and Solo.

What is your favorite time of year and why? (Season, holiday, general period) I love you winter, I love you snow, I love you December, I love you.

What is your IRL occupation? Handwaves IT. I'm helpdesk at my current place, but I've begun learning network infrastructure stuff recently.

Some interests and things you like/enjoy? I like languages and history, esp Meiji Japan and Mughal India. I used to be a lot more active, and I still generally enjoy yoga and rock climbing, but I've accrued some injuries which prevent me from doing this as much as I'd like. Sadge.

What non-Fire Emblem games do you play? Final Fantasy, Pokemon, Ace Attorney, Assassin's Creed, Dragon Age, Bloodborne, Witcher, Kingdom Hearts.

Favorite Pokemon type & Pokemon: Ice or Dragon I think; and Gyarados my beloved my friend my partner (although Delibird is a very close second I love that little dude)

Tell us some funfacts and trivia about yourself! (Optional bonus challenge: if you filled this out last year, try not to repeat what you said back then!) One time a drunk driver scraped my ex-husband's car pulling out of the bar and while he was so flabbergasted that it had happened, me and a friend who had just gotten out of the Navy broke into a sprint to chase the girl down for three blocks before she left the neighborhood.

How did you get into Fire Emblem? My father and I were in the PX and I grabbed Blazing because it had just come to the States and it looked interesting.

What Fire Emblem games have you played? All but Archanea and Tellius. I started Path of Radiance, and put it down at chapter 15 when I got busy. I'll pick it back up again I promise :sob:

First & Favorite Fire Emblem games: First is Blazing and favorite is...probably Blazing still. Elibe is just home to me. I really really like Three Houses and Shadows of Valentia though.

List your 5 favorite Fire Emblem characters across the series! Oh gosh. Raven number one forever, and Dima and Berkut are up there. I'll list five who aren't my roster, in no particular order: Hubert, Hector, Lyon, Priscilla, Lachesis.

Who was the first character ever to make you go “ooh I like this one in particular” and why? Can be any context and reason! Wil. Wil was my first favorite, followed by Matthew. I genuinely loved them so so much my first playthrough I gave them everything.

Any Fire Emblem crushes? 😳 Jeralt can still get it.

If you’ve played (or are familiar with) the following games, who was your first S support? Who would you S support nowadays?- Awakening: Another accidental Chrom victim - probably Lonk or Freddie Fates: I genuinely don't remember if it was Kaze or Jakob - Probably still Kaze Three Houses: Claude - Hubert is my favorite S support he's really good Engage: I literally hard swerved from Diamant the moment Pandreo came on screen I don't think anyone's taking his crown.

Favorite Fire Emblem class? I just really like the Merc-Hero line 🙈But I also love wyverns

If you were a Fire Emblem character, what would be your class and stats? Would you be playable? Infantry sword. I hate to say I'd be a Navarre archetype but I honestly probably would be. Middling strength and con but workable with attention, decent speed, absolutely ridiculous crit stat. Surprisingly high resistance. I'd be a good candidate for Dancer or Mortal Savant.

If you were a Three Houses character, what would be your affiliation? Unaffiliated civilian, but can be swayed to join a cause after some effort. I tend to keep myself a bit at arms length, and it can be difficult sometimes to get my genuine loyalty.

If you were an Officers Academy student, what would be your boons, banes and potential budding talent? Boons: Sword, Bow Bane: Flying Budding Talent: Heavy Armor

If you were an Engage character, which nation would you originate from? No lie, probably Brodia. My family is full of soldiers on all sides

How do you pronounce TOA? 🤔(separate letters, to-ah, other?) Depends on the flow of the sentence. Sometimes toe-ah, sometimes T-O-A

Current TOA muses: Raven, Dimitri, Berkut

Past TOA muses? Sigurd, Igrene, Saber, Petra, Beowolf, Lyn

Who was your first TOA muse? If you no longer have them, can you see yourself picking them up again? Raven my heart my forever. If he hasn't been pried from my grasp for the last twenty years, I can't imagine what might.

Do you believe you have a type of character you gravitate towards writing? I like it when grief and love carve someone into a weapon. I love rage and deep, boundless sorrow. And I occasionally like when they get a little slutty, I'm not a monster.

Do you have characters or types of characters you don’t think you can handle writing, but wish you could? 🤔Hard to say. I like to think my range is pretty good. I've been writing for long enough that I don't really wish - I just do it. I think anyone could write anyone if they genuinely put their heart into it.

What kind of scenes, situations etc do you believe you enjoy writing the most? I like when the narrator is a little unreliable. I like when there's so much emotion that everything becomes just a little bit fuzzy an indistinct, like they're suddenly underwater and haven't realized they're drowning. I like when the narrative is circular and I can call back five posts, or when I can bookend things - dramatic irony my beloved. I love miscommunication, especially when one person takes something and runs with it (RIP Sigurd you were the king of this and your never-shuts-up).

Do you have any scenario in mind for your muse(s) that gets you thinking “man I hope I get to write this one day”? I've been in an AU mood lately. I want more AUs - coffeeshop AU, horror movie tropes AU, cross-fiction AU. There was an idea that I had that I'd like to build up a bit more that I may drop a call for 🙊

Favorite TOA-related memories? All of Raven's threads with elysia's Priscilla and kanoesa's Lucius 🤲I hold them like this. And unrelated to my muses I to this day can't get over And Now All Of TOA Knows You Tried To Kill Ryoma.

Present or past tense? Past. I use present tense pretty sparingly, and almost exclusively for one-off asks. Feels weird though.

Normal size text, small text, no preference? No preference. I use normal size out of laziness. The most formatting you'll get from me is italics for emphasis or for thought patterns.

Got any potential muse delusions to share? 😉 One day I will app Sommie and everyone will have a heart attack. You think I'm joking? You think this is a game?

[nalyra-dreaming]

Sort of answer to your other anon, but feel free to add to it if you want hehe. For now I only know the show and only ship loustat, but that's because I think it's the most developed pairing so far. I kind of need a little time to get into ships, but I'm down for any and everything. I agree ships don't necessarily need to be moral, but I do believe they need to be compelling and help each other in a way, even if it isn't with every single thing. I have OTPs that had terrible moments, but grew into their best selves together. Loustat is usually a dynamic that I hate, because it happened too fast, it got problematic and dark pretty fast (in terms of number of episodes, not the years they spent together), they had other people, they spent a whole season apart... Reminds me in a way of those toxic, even abusive on-and-off couples, that always treated each other poorly, made each other worse, could never work it out, but for some reason kept going back together because "it's sexy" or whatever networks tried to sell. But Loustat subverted my expectations. They're not entirely like that, but I do think they have some of those characteristics. But in their case, it's explained because they both lived shitty lives. And the series show why they're that way and that they're sort of at war with themselves too and genuinely regret their actions. And unlike those other ships, they're a differently species that don't completely function like us and have forever to redeem themselves. Those other couples just felt like a repetitive waste of time without any depth. But the writers really do a great job. And we did see Loustat bounding, Louis trusting Lestat in a way he didn't with anybody else, smiling, having fun and a happy life as well, so we know the connection is there and it isn't just angst and sex. And there's the actors, who have some of the best chemistry I've ever seen anywhere. I'm down for any ship if they have that too, because I trust the writers and so far every duo seems to have amazing chemistry. Will the writing and chemistry be on Loustat's level? I don't know, but I'll have fun with whatever they give me for however long it lasts. This is the first time I feel like I don't even need to think or worry too much, I'm just waiting for more and to be surprised because they always exceed my expectations and I hope that never changes. I was pretty into Loumand at the beginning, I thought they had an ease, sensual, flirtatious vibe and it was exciting to see. But that was mostly the actors than the script and, after the first kiss, we don't see much of it anymore? No scene laughing, comforting each other, going out etc... We have the museum and bar scenes, but I wouldn't call them a Loumand moemnt because they were most about Armand's backstory and betrayal. I never shipped them as much as Loustat, I could have, but before it got to a point I could, it turned cold and distant so I moved on. On the other hand, Lesmand, is something I don't ship yet, but I'm excited because of 1) simply curiosity, everything I hear from the books sound like that's a pretty heated relationship, for better or worse 2) I also hear they're kind of mirrors and understand each other in ways others can't, so even with all the bad history they still sort of care for each other? And if that's true, it's a really interesting and unique dynamic to explore that we don't see that often 3) Sam and Assad really sold their chemistry to me on that scene they shared blood 4) relationships that are extreme as theirs seem to be, tend to result in great, intense, emotional, explosive acting and that's my favorite type... My favorite scenes on the show are the church scene and the hug and those are very intense moments as well. So if they can do something like that in their own flavor because I wouldn't want a Loustat copy, it should be fun to see. Even if it turns out to be like "omg, they're so terrible and I don't want them together not even for one episode" and I won't ship, I'll probably still enjoy it for the writing and acting.

:))

As said, shipping is a personal preference (thank you for detailing yours 🥰).

I am very sure the show will do something very distinctive for each pairing, and this is the only thing I‘d add here now - all these “ships“ are actual relationships in the VC, with their own history, and importance.

Personally I think that is amazing ^^ and I cannot wait to see them.

If I will write and/or read them? We‘ll see. But I think we‘re blessed that way, whether it fits personal preference, or not. 🥰

[taylorswiftstylequestions]

hey Sarah and TSSers! happy holidays!

could i dump a lil of my recent thoughts in hopes of some encouraging words from this community?

i am a proud single girlie and have been my whole entire 25-year-old life (like literally zero romance at all). a relationship has never been something i craved enough for me to go after it, and also i have been hit on a total of 2 times ever (none of which became anything), so i have no experience in even flirting.

the very few times in my life that i even thought about dating, i always ended up making no effort and just having a “live your own life with your own interests and hobbies and the right person will find you” (i still like to believe this is true, a la 1989 era independent Tay)

however, this holiday season is the first time for real that i’ve felt like maybe a relationship could be something good to me. it peaked my interest. i don’t know if it’s because of quarter-life crisis thoughts that i’ll “end up alone” or the fact that some of my friends have gotten engaged lately and i have never held hands romantically (sigh lol)

anyway, any tips for me? i don’t want to have dating apps (sorry, feels like too much atm) and i already took the “live your life and see what happens” approach where i genuinely didn’t care about love, but i feel like if i want to try a relationship or even just have some flirting energy in my life, it’ll have to include some effort… but how? help

Hi friend! Big huge feels this holiday - which isn't surprising to me given the cuffing season of it all (my feed around this time of year in December is usually filled with engagement and pregnancy announcements - tis the damn season).

I'll start off by saying that 25 is so young. So young. SO. YOUNG. Not having any romantic experience or interest at that age is normal and you are so beyond fine. So happy for your friends who are engaged (it's an exciting time in one's life!) but you are also perfectly normal for never having entertained romantic notions up to now.

That said, now that your feelings are shifting ... how indeed does one proceed? I'd so love to crowdsource hot tips from this v generous community of wonderful humans because I genuinely don't even know how you meet people romantically nowadays if not with the help of an app and also if the social circles and hobbies you partake in now aren't creating opportunities for you.

My only thought is perhaps openly talking about wanting to start getting out there with your friends and your network of people and speaking comfortably about being ready will be a cue to your friends (and the universe) to make some recommendations and nudges your way of people who you might hit it off with. I think that's the next step above the "see what happens" approach which is when you start saying "this is what I want to happen". You have to start saying it and 'manifesting' it.

Best of luck my sweet friend and of course you will have TSSers here with some tips to help you on your journey!

[ariamikado]

Back again, and it's to vent/gush more. --CONTENT WARNING: Talking about anxiety, personal stuffs-- So, living with anxiety sucks. And I don't mean the "Oh, I'm so nervous", type of anxiety, but actual mental unwell-ness anxiety that can affect you socially, and when it gets at its worst, physically. I made a post here a LONG time ago talking about how I was in tears from having to deal with things having to do with family issues and the like, stemming from non-acceptance and bigotry coming from some of the people that should have been there fgor me by all rights, and since then, I've done everything in my power to move past all the negativity. Sometimes, though, you just CAN'T. No matter what you do, you just CAN'T push past all the terrible thoughts telling you that you're lesser for feeling the way that you feel, and in those cases, depending on how severe it gets. no amount of introspection, no breathing techniques, or anything, are going to help you to calm down. I'm talking those times where having someone to talk to that can and will be there for you through everything, that you can trust and confide in. Some people have a support network of folks they can trust like that, and others keep that number low. Some only have one person they feel who they can really trust fall onto. For YEARS, I've felt like I don't really have that kind of person in my life. And, that's not to say that I feel like I can't confide in my closest friends, but there are times where people with anxiety issues and the like are so deep in the darkest corners of their own mind that even THINKING about going to those people with whatever's ailing them is doing nothing but bothering or inconveniencing them in some way, and things can get harder on them mentally than others around them could ever imagine. I've been in those dark places before. I was HEADED there earlier today. But my girlfriend, Aoi, came around when she got online and offered me her shoulder until I was genuinely feeling better. I can't stress enough how much I love and adore that girl. I've thought at various points in my life that I'd just be dealing with nonsense from people for forever, that there wouldn't ever be a person "for me", as the saying goes. Aoi makes me feel like I may have been wrong. I'm not wrong often, and usually, when I am, it's about bad things happening. But this is one time where I hope I'm wrong, and that Aoi and I can be happy together for as long as we live. I likewise do everything in my power to comfort her when she needs it, and I hear out her issues, and do all I can to get her smiling and happy again. I'll ALWAYS be there when I can be, no questions asked, and I want her to see that, and trust in it. I hope it's enough, and that I can express to her how much she means to me, and how much I love her, dearly.

[crispy-chan]

JAS I LOVE THE NEW THEME/BANNER/DESCRIPTION DNSNDNSNDNNS

gonna miss the old one but this one is so niceeee o-o

Also Hru? How are exams if they’re going on?

THANK YOUUUUUU

i was having a breakdown on zhe dash if i should change it but i decided that it could be a nice change </3 istg i almost shed a tear for leaving the "placebo" thematics behind cause that song has had such a chokehold on my heart for so long...

i even took some screenshots since i was afraid i'd miss it 😥 i'm that bish lol (also side not the previous theme was made like almost a year ago so i had it for soooo long </3 )

but thank you :> i'm glad you like it :)) i'm doing okay-ish so far </3 i have a long school trip coming up in two weeks so i'm excited for that!! (i have to get an A on my math final tho if i want my final grade to be an A *sobs*)

how about you? i saw that your exams are over (? i think) so if yeah then congrats !!!

lots of love and i hope you're doing well <3

[niskoo]

[08:12]

pairing: rival! sunghoon x reader

genre: fluff, slight angst (like if you squint), slight crack, ice skating!AU

warnings: self doubt?

word count: 556 words

a/n: I swear i'll study after this there is something about writing for enha when finals are coming literally my first few works were days before finals and Im pulling it again wtf

networks: @enhypennetwork

Park Sunghoon was someone who you found was always fun to be around, but you would never admit it. Not when you know he'd get so smug if he heard such words come from you.

He was always your rival, from childhood, you would both have the same sessions (though different coaches) and always try to be better than the other. It was quite entertaining, really, but sometimes it gets hard when someone comments about how his skills are better than yours, how you need to catch up.

You know you don't, he knows it too, and yet just the thought of other people noticing and commenting about it has a certain clench to your heart.

And earlier today, you couldn't help but overhear how your coach said you needed more training if you wanted to get into more competitions. And you have to say, that did a lot to your pride.

And right now, you don't think it's fun to be around anyone. Especially not Park Sunghoon who's jumping and spinning so effortlessly.

Sunghoon finds it strange how you're not spinning in the air either, you would most likely try to top off his toe loops and axels, and yet there you are, staring at your water bottle with a twisted face. What happened?

That's exactly what Sunghoon asked as he sat next to you on the benches, and unlike all the other times, his voice is soft, gentle, and genuine. You're not one bit used to it, but you do appreciate it.

You sigh and look back down at the plastic water bottle in your hands, your fingers going white with the extra squeeze you give it.

Should you tell him? How would he react? Sad? Smug?

If Park Sunghoon sounds genuine, he must feel genuine too, right?

You decide to take the chances and tell him, "Coach said I have a small chance of getting into competitions, and I don't know what to do."

Sunghoon is very much shocked at what upset you, because he knows for a fact that you're more than capable of competing—winning. How could your coach ever doubt you?

"I guess... I just haven't been feeling myself lately." You say truthfully. It's a bit weird to have such a normal conversation with Sunghoon, let alone a deep conversation?

Sunghoon doesn't know what to do with this information, he wants to march up to your coach and tell her wrong, but at the same time he really wants to comfort you. A hug?

No, too much. You aren't that close.

"I-if it makes you feel better," Sunghoon starts quietly, "you're the best skater I've ever seen, which is why I'm constantly bumping heads with you,"

This does all the work in making you giddy, because the Park Sunghoon, who you've known all your life, who you've envied, who's been by your side, thinks you're good at skating.

"Really?"

"Well, apart from Yuzuru Hanyu, Kim Yuna, Nath—"

Sunghoon is cut off by your soft punch at his side, and your laughter. Oh, your laughter. The indication that he succeeded in cheering you up, your smile brighting up his day.

"Thank you, Sunghoon,"

"No prob, bob," he replies with a smile. He nudges his head towards the rink, and his smirk widens, "now how about we prove your coach wrong?"

[privateraelle]

your honest thoughts on the motherland finale?

oh boy jsdfks i knew this ask was gonna come up one way or another so i guess i might get it out of the way now. that finale was bad. disappointing. i've never said a single bad thing about motherland. like. ever. i've always trusted the writers and eliot to handle things like they did with s1 and s2 and even though s2 was a bit messy, it was good. but what happened last night was one big messy clusterfuck. i was sad, mad, on the verge of tears because of how bad it was. i've always been the biggest "trust the writers" idiot and i kinda wanna eat my hand now cause sdjfkds i trusted the writers and they fucked me over but it's okAY i'm fine i'll get over it cause someone whom i adore very much can write me a fix fic. anyway this show has been my comfort show for 2 years and it has given me one of the best experiences i've ever had. it has also introduced me to people that are everything to me and i won't ever forget how good it has made me feel, always. so, this is just constructive criticism of something i love.

so, my thoughts, no specific order, just things that won't leave my mind and won't let me and my brain process how stupid everything was:

no closure for any character. like. at all. it's literally an open ending and i know eliot was maybe hoping he would have more chances for the show to get picked up by another network but??? what the fuck was that. there are so many questions that stay unanswered and so many things that make no sense AT ALL and for what. what happened after everybody became a witch? did they end conscription? if that's not the case, why would raelle and scylla go back to the army willingly knowing they wanted to escape? leaving those things to the imagination of the audience is not good storytelling mister, it's bad writing and it's so unserious. when tally got her sight back, they could've shown the audience the characters' future instead of doing whatever they did in that final scene. they should've provided a solid conclusion to the show, they knew it was their last season and they didn't deliver.

so many unnecessary scenes of silver and hearst and his fucking sister which surprise!! is still out and didn't make a final appearance. she was introduced as a new character and her purpose was what exactly? being a mean sister? yeah, okay i guess. unnecessary. they wasted so much time on useless scenes of the camarilla being bad™ when it added absolutely nothing to the plot (hearst singing???? jesus fucking christ what was eliot on), instead of giving us things we genuinely care about. like haha the main fucking couple they forgot existed til ep 8.

that's the next thing i'm gonna talk about. raylla was done so fucking dirty this season. i know all about tay's accident and i'm so glad she healed completely but there was no reason to keep them apart for so many episodes after she was back to filming?? i wasn't mad about raelle reuniting with the unit first, like, not at all. i loved it. but scylla being kidnapped for no reason at all and them not reuniting til next episode was a big dick move and again, unnecessary. their reunion was spoiled in the actual trailer of the season which made it even more anticlimactic and dull, thank god amalia and taylor put their whole souls into them or i wouldn't have felt a single thing. don't get me started on how they have butchered raelle and how they took a lot of fucking liberties with her character. you're telling me raelle was okay with not knowing where scylla was for a whole ass WEEK and she was just straight up chillin' and not losing her shit? nah, i don't think so. anyway, their scenes are cut short and have the length of a tiktok video. when was their last meaningful conversation as a couple?? idk probably in s2 cause they haven't had those in s3, not even in the first episodes where all they gave us were lil amalia/taylor touches n glances. the proposal and the wedding felt rushed, ridiculous and like something they did to shut people up. "they got married what more do you want?" an on-screen relationship with actual fucking scenes that show how the characters feel towards each other, maybe, idk could be wrong. they were not treated like the main couple this season and it's been a hard pill to swallow but it's true. the finale was just scylla holding raelle and carrying her around and that's it. gregorio and tally, a couple that got together LAST EPISODE got a kiss and a worried hug and we got!! nothing!! haha yeah. not even an ending for them. the setup was there. the lighthouse, raelle and scylla running together and living near the beach. instead we got them standing next to each other like they're best buds. welp, at least they're not dead, right?

scylla's treatment was also bullshit. they did an exceptional job on making her part of the unit just to throw her under the bus last minute and sideline her character at the end. that last scene felt empty without her. i know the show's always been about the unit, i agree. but scylla's part of the unit now. she should've been there. instead, she just carried raelle around, and did nothing. what a waste. amalia knows her way around stunts, they should've made her fight and show us what she's actually capable of. but whatever.

anacostia's death pissed me off so much. it was anticlimactic and pretty avoidable if you ask me. i remember last night when watching the ep, i didn't even react to her death because it felt so ??? stupid?? that i was like "haha dude she's not dead". and she was? what the fuck eliot. it didn't make sense for the plot, it was just a big fuck you to us all and a stupid attempt at pulling a plot twist. it wasn't a plot twist, it was absurd. the audience didn't even have time to mourn her. if they wanted to kill someone and make the audience feel something, they should've gone for petra. i know miss ashley would've delivered a performance. but anacostia's death was pointless and mister sterling what's his name wasn't the person she should've died for. if they wanted to kill her so bad, she should've died protecting the unit.

can someone explain to me how making everyone a witch solves the world's problems? what was eliot thinking? forcing everyone to be the same, erasing their identities and differences and giving the camarilla (remember!! bad people who hate witches!!) actual power to fight them and kill them seems pretty stupid to me. also the big epic moment didn't feel like one. it felt pretty dull.

okay, some positive feelings:

i really missed arlen's nicte. i'm really glad she made a last appearance. nicte is my bestie i love her.

the whole raylla/adigail convo about the lighthouse and the ocean. beautiful.

raelle healing scylla and refusing to let anything happen to her.

izadora is a fucking beast i'm so glad she's not dead. the scene of her laughing in alban's face. GOLD.

abi being the last steward <3

and that's pretty much it. i'm sure i'm leaving sooo many things behind but this is as much as i can think of right now. i'll be mad for a few days and then i'll start giffing to numb the pain i guess sjfds.

[lepusrufus]

To bargain for immortality pt.2

Finally, she felt well enough to leave the infirmary room for good. Her internal organs were at peace for the most part and she could keep some food down without the risk of seeing it for a second time. Her sinuses still seemed to refuse to recover though. Occasional nosebleeds would have her head spinning and the scent of blood so often present within the castle was somehow too offensive to her senses. Nicole couldn't help but wonder how exactly she got it this screwed up, but then again the first few days of the infection were a painful blur that she'd rather not remember.

For now she was content to sit in front of the fireplace with the rest of her family. They decided to have a movie night to break her out of the mopey state she had been in and, for the most part, it was quite the success. She wasn't paying much attention to the projector screen, some sappy scene from a movie chosen by Daniela playing at the moment. Instead, she was simply enjoying the close proximity to Cassandra that she so dearly missed in the last few weeks. Nicole was in the brunette's lap, with hands loosely around her waist and leaning against her shoulder. She was vaguely aware of Laura complaining about the poor life choices of one of the characters only to be unceremoniously shushed by the youngest sister. It made her chuckle.

Bela was passing the popcorn to her mothers when a knock on the main entrance reached their ears faintly. Lady Dimitrescu narrowed her eyes in the general direction of the sound, and listened. Soon enough the rapid steps of Alexandria, their Steward, reached them.

"My Ladies, Mother Miranda's assistant is here."

The whole family got up hesitantly and tried to look as presentable as possible, given their "lazy day outfits". For some like Bela that was a baggy shirt and shorts, while for the Lady it was one of her trademark white dresses. They made their way to the main entrance of the castle, where the assistant, a woman in her late thirties and the air of an annoyed teacher, was waiting. It was Alcina the one to ask why she was there.

"Mother Miranda wants to see um… Nicole was it? Yes, to take a look at the regenerative abilities."

"Why not do it here like last time?"

"Mother Miranda's laboratory is far better equipped for whatever she may want to test. Unless you have something to say against her wishes." She finished that with a raised eyebrow that would've gained her a talon through the skull were she not there as per Miranda's wishes.

Who's talons exactly was debatable.

"I'll come too," Cassandra spoke up from just behind Nicole.

That only got her a dismissive wave. "No, I was told specifically to only bring her. Come now, we don't want to make Mother Miranda wait."

With that, the woman turned around and started walking towards a carriage that would take them away. Nicole looked briefly at her family. They all had either confusion or mild concern in their eyes. All but Alcina who looked as if she'd like to protest and snap at the woman but was holding her tongue.

She reassured Cassandra that she'd be fine and started jogging after the assistant.

---

Needless to say, that was Nicole's first time stepping foot inside the underground network of tunnels. Not that she complained. Few people went there willingly and probably fewer left the same way they came in.

The ancient looking hallways were in such stark contrast with the occasional medical equipment and the pristine looking labs with doors left slightly ajar that Nicole had to wonder if the woman had no taste for a consistent aesthetic. At least Lady Dimitrescu kept all wiring and modern devices carefully hidden or blended in with the castle's decor. Here, the harsh neon lights illuminated worn out stone so dark it was almost black. Not to mention the smell of… old that seemed to ooze off the very walls she was walking by.

She was led inside a spacious lab, the bluish lights above being too bothersome for someone who got used to the warm or natural light in the castle. The room was rather long, numerous hospital beds lined up against a wall, some separated by white curtains and some left visible. An almost imperceptible whiff of an all too familiar foul odor reached her nose, but it was mild enough to be easily ignored. Nicole had a suspicion that the unmoving person laying in one of the cots further away could be the source, but she sighed and hoped not to join them by the end of the day.

Mother Miranda was sat at a desk, microscope in front of her together with a small stack of documents and a laptop. She was typing in what could probably be notes on whatever she was looking at, when icy grey eyes finally shifted to Nicole.

"Get changed and lay down," she ordered, not even moving from her spot.

The assistant that had brought her here, pushed a hospital gown that had been pulled out from a cupboard in her arms. At least she was allowed the decency of changing into a bathroom as opposed to stripping then and there in the middle of the room. The gown was surprisingly comfortable, fabric folding around her body and being held closed by a loose ribbon that she tried at the side.

Once she was back in the lab, she was ushered to one of the beds where she laid down, nervously waiting for whatever Miranda had in mind.

It was quite odd to see her without her usual attire, especially without the gold talons that Nicole was now far more familiar with than she'd ever hoped. The white lab coat looked far too normal on her and, were it not for the unmistakable cold eyes and regal posture, the woman would’ve been unrecognizable.

She finally got up, a few documents in hand, and approached her. The papers were handed over to the assistant, along with a few other objects and finally, Nicole had her full attention.

Mother Miranda bent down, scalpel in hand, and grabbed one of Nicole's wrists. Just like she did back during the first examination, the blade was dragged across the length of her forearm. Despite fully expecting it, Nicole couldn't help flinching at the pain, but she kept her eyes fixated on her arm, at the blood slowly starting to flow from the wound.

Soon the same tingling as before took over the pain and before their eyes, the skin started to stitch itself back together.

"Time," Miranda asked while wiping the blood to allow for a closer inspection of the now good as new skin.

"Five seconds."

"Alcina's?"

"Three seconds."

Miranda hummed, seemingly pleased with the results. Or at least as pleased as the woman was physically capable of being.

"Hook her up to the cardiac monitor," she further instructed while moving to retrieve something from another cabinet.

The assistant, Emma, if the tag pinned to her lab coat was to be believed, stuck a series of electrodes to her chest and abdomen. Nicole bit her lip to stifle a yelp when one came uncomfortably close to the still sensitive skin of the scar.

In no time, the machine came to life, familiar beeping sounding through the otherwise silent room.

"I hope you're not afraid of needles," Miranda said while grabbing the same arm she had before, lips pulled into a faint smirk.

Nicole only shook her head as she saw the needle of a syringe attached to a transparent slim tube slide into her arm. How ironic would that be. The sting was close to imperceptible, taken over by the now familiar faint tingle. Unlike with the cut, it didn't fade away, most likely due to not being able to fully heal the small wound with the needle embedded in the skin and vein.

She looked away, in the direction of the other occupied bed in the room. It was far away enough that she couldn't make out any detail, only messy brown hair sprawled on a pillow. The face was turned towards the wall and body covered up to the neck. She grimaced and decided instead to focus on the beeping machine, mildly annoyed by Miranda's lack of properly separating her dead lab rats from the living ones. At least she hoped she'd stay living.

The numbers on the machine started out normal. With the slight uncomfortable feeling of blood being drained however, her heart rate started to slowly increase.

Alright. Normal enough. Especially when someone is clearly in a fucking blood draining mood.

Nicole decided not to look at exactly how much blood Miranda was drawing, keeping her eyes glued to the various color coded numbers. The heart rate kept increasing until Nicole could swear she could feel her heartbeat ringing in her ears. She gulped. Still relatively within the norm.

Two things were at odds however. First, the blood pressure remained constant, almost as if her body simply refused to acknowledge the fact that it was currently being drained. Secondly, the temperature rose from the normal 36 degrees to a staggering 41 in less time than it should have.

"What the fuck…" She couldn't keep her tongue at the weirdness of her situation, her brain thankfully choosing confusion and curiosity over the dread that it probably should've felt instead.

Mother Miranda didn't seem to care though as she turned to type something on the laptop that she brought over from the desk. She tapped her finger on the device for a few seconds and finally spoke up.

"The accelerated healing means the blood is being regenerated constantly, thus not decreasing in volume. Which explains the constant pressure." She narrowed her eyes at the monitor once again. "It doesn't, however, explain the heart rate and temperature. Any bright guesses?"

It took Nicole a second to realize the question was actually addressed to her. Miranda seemed in an oddly good mood. Not any less hell bent on causing her pain, mind you, but she also seemed genuinely curious. Being a biology nerd will do that to you, she couldn't help but think.

Nicole hummed and thought for a second. She tried to recall any information about the topic at hand that she had studied prior to running away.

"Heart rate could just be the normal body response that stayed even with the mutation. Like… like a reflex. It remains even though it's not needed." Then she tapped a finger on her chin trying to find a less random explanation. "Or maybe it's the body's way of making sure that even while healing all body parts remain at least decently functional. No idea about the temperature though," she shrugged.

Miranda once again typed something up and then, without warning, pulled the needle out of Nicole's arm. She flinched, barely holding in an angry protest as she turned towards the woman. Which was a mistake. She couldn't help the gag that raised in the back of her throat at the sight of the metal container full of blood.

No, no, blood did not bother her. That would've cut her career as a medical examiner short before she even stepped foot in med school. It was the knowledge that that was her blood that made her stomach churn. The container could easily fit three liters of liquid in it, and it was full to the brim. Not to mention the smell that assaulted her still messed up sinuses mixing oh so perfectly with mr. corpse over in the corner.

Miranda just chuckled at her sour expression. "Do you think your darling wife would like to have this?"

With a sneer, masked by Nicole turning once again towards the monitor, she couldn't help slipping an edge of snark in her reply. "No need, she likes it fresh."

The numbers were back to normal, all but for the temperature that was taking slightly longer to go down.

---

By this point her vocal cords were raw from screaming and each shuddering sob felt like clumps of spines in her throat. Nicole was curled in on herself, small frame trembling pathetically on top of the uncomfortable bed. Her hands were shaking uncontrollably, the tingling sensation feeling like needles constantly pricking at her skin around and under the wired leather cuffs wrapped around her wrists. The frantic beeping of the machine was grating to her ears.

An electric shock test.

Of course.

Mother Miranda decided to test out how the increased heart rate worked. Results? Her body vehemently refused to allow her to pass out. Even when the shocks traveled through every part of her body, causing the nervous system to short circuit. Even when damage to internal organs and muscles ripped painful sobs from her throat, that turned into gags as soon as the tingling turned to nausea. Even when she could feel her heart hammering against her ribcage so fast that she was sure the small organ would burst any second. But it didn’t.

Every muscle in her body flared up in a sensation of painful pins and needles when Miranda pushed the button to release another shock. The cardiac monitor started screaming again and Nicole brought shaky hands over her ears in an attempt to block out the sound. Her whole body was on fire while all the damaged tissue repaired itself, making her stomach turn painfully. She felt like throwing up. Not that she had eaten anything today, but bile and thick blood still coated her esophagus. It was all swallowed back with a disgusting gulp.

The nausea was oh so kindly accompanied by searing pain from her still damaged sinuses, who’s condition only worsened exponentially with the electricity. The blood that seemed to coat all the way up to the inside of her mouth felt horrible mixed with the putrid smell of death.

She swallowed again, but that proved itself a bad decision as now that same smell permeated the very inside of her nose and mouth and throat and the feeling of blood sloshing on her tongue behind clenched teeth made her head spin.

She lurched forward, a small river of dark blood flowing from her mouth and nose, into her palms that she instinctively brought to her mouth. Wet coughs made it splatter into crimson splotches on the white sheets, herself and anything else within proximity. It took surprisingly long to realize that, after the initial wave that rose up her esophagus, the rest of the blood was from her sinuses. It was cruelly invading her nose and sliding back into her throat only to come out of her mouth. Fuck fuck fuck-

“What’s wrong?” Miranda’s tone lacked any trace of sympathy.

Nicole simply coughed out the remaining fluid from her mouth and unceremoniously grabbed a piece of cloth from Emma’s hands. She pressed it to her nose, only to feel it soaked against her skin far too soon.

“Damaged sinuses, as you said,” she croaked, her voice sounding so unlike her own.

That made Miranda frown. She kept that same expression while noting down the previous results. “It should be healed by now.”

“Well they aren't,” Nicole spat. The blood and the horrid smell were clouding her mind and, as many knew, pain and holding her tongue did not mix well in her. “And did we really have to do this in the same room as a dead fucking body?!”

Nicole’s angry outburst gave the woman pause. Annoyance mixed with a hint of confusion on her face. She looked at her assistant, an eyebrow raised in a silent question.

“No. Just- just anestesia.” Emma answered promptly.

“What the fuck do you mean anesthesia? Anesthesia doesn’t make you smell like a goddamn decomposing corpse, do you have cotton stuck up your noses?!” Thankfully the bleeding was starting to subside, which meant there was nothing to stifle her steadily raising angry tone.

Miranda, now sporting a scowl, got up and grabbed Nicole’s chin between two fingers. It made her flinch back, but there was no escaping the iron grip.

“I can assure you that the man is not dead, simply under anesthesia and recovering from a bad infection.” She moved Nicole’s head from left to right, eyes scrutinizing as ever.

Afterwards, she turned back and wrote something down on a piece of paper and simply instructed Emma to wrap up and lead Nicole out. The sudden shift not only in demeanor, but also in her position from the bed to standing upright was mildly dizzying. She swapped the gown for her normal clothes as quickly as she physically could, not wanting to spend another unnecessary second in this underground grave.

While she was ushered out the door, Mother Miranda’s sickly sweet voice rang after her.

“I’ll see you in a couple days.”

Her stomach turned.

---

The trek home was short and silent, Nicole simply wanting to get home as soon as possible and get a damn hot shower and sleep.

She bid the young man that was accompanying her goodbye the moment the Castle’s entrance was within jogging distance, and hurried steps took her to the imposing doors. It was Alexandria to answer her knock, Nicole having left her own keys in her bedroom.

“Welcome back my la-” the polite smile was all but wiped off the woman’s face, replaced by wide eyes. “Are you injured?”

Nicole looked at her confused, then down at herself. A muttered curse escaped past her lips when she remembered the bloody mess on her skin. “I’m okay. Just-... just don’t tell anyone I’m here yet. I'll change first.”

Her plan went out the window when a set of hasty steps came booming toward them.

“Nico-”

Cassandra’s voice died in her throat when her golden eyes landed on Nicole’s small frame, dried dark blood on her face and arms and her clothes stained. An angry growl slipped from between bared teeth.

“What the fuck did she do to you?”

Nicole was quick to answer, too tired to deal with anything other than a few hours of sleep. “I’m okay. I’m just-...” she shook her head, then turned to the Steward. “Alexandria kindly ask a maid to draw me a bath.”

“At once.” And with that the woman turned and scurried away, most likely also not wanting to be in the vicinity of an angry Cassandra.

---

The hot water felt like pure bliss on her skin. It seemed to make every muscle relax and get rid of the awful tension. She leaned back, eyes closed and hands idly moving through the water.

It was just mildly difficult to fully relax with Cassandra muttering and pacing back and forth in the same room though.

"I'm-... I'm not letting you do this again."

Nicole simply sighed and started to scrub away at dried blood. The miniature red waterfall from earlier had gotten blood all over her arms and chest, some splatters even getting on her legs. Her face was also a mess, trails of blood going from her nose and mouth to the chin with smudges and splatters.

"What did she even do to you?"

Before she had a chance to reply, a knock came from the door and a maid entered with a few clean towels and a change of clothes from Nicole's own bedroom. The girl didn't linger, simply giving them both a courteous bow and exiting the room.

Looking for something to change the subject, Nicole focused on the pleasant honey smell. Honey with a slight citrus-y undertone, maybe lemon or orange.

"Did you get a new soap?"

Cassandra stopped pacing, brows furrowed. "No? It's the same one."

Confused, Nicole brought a hand that had just been scrubbed with that very soap right under her nose and took a deep inhale. It was indeed the same one. Chamomile and mint. She sighed in annoyance and leaned back against the cool porcelain while Cassandra came and bent down on one knee to be somewhat on eye level.

"Nose still not working properly or…?" She said while gingerly tilting Nicole's chin up with two fingers. She grimaced at one yet to be washed trail of dried blood that made its way to her wife's thin upper lip.

Nicole simply shook her head and grabbed Cassandra's hand. "Can you… go get ready. I'm beyond tired and just want to lay down with you."

Cassandra pursed her lips but nodded none the less. With a kiss on top of red hair, she turned and left the spacious bathroom, door shutting with a heavy thud.

Left alone, she scrubbed every inch of skin again and took a few extra minutes to enjoy the warmth of the water. It felt so incredibly odd to not feel any actual pain after the day's events. Any trace of what her body went through had been erased by her newfound ability, not leaving behind even the faintest mark of a scar, nor blackened skin caused by electric shocks.

She pushed herself out of the tub, grimacing at the slight pink tone the water had taken. Body and hair quickly dried with the towels, she put on the clothes, a comfortable pair of shorts and a tank top, and finally stepped out of the bathroom too.

Cassandra was waiting for her in bed, velvety dark robes hanging loosely on her shoulders and eyes fixated on the window while her fingers were tapping furiously on the cover of a book forgotten in her lap. Book that was quickly placed on the nightstand when Nicole climbed in beside her and pushed her way into the brunette's arms. She was tired and absolutely not above demanding cuddles.

Her wife wasted no time in wrapping an arm around her and pulling the soft blanket up to cover them both. Nicole interlocked their fingers, absentmentally turning the ring on Cassandra's finger. The same ring she had, albeit in a smaller size. A golden band with intricate floral patterns engraved on it. It had no protruding gem, something they both opted for so that the rings wouldn't need to be taken off while working and wearing gloves. Instead, eight small ocre gems were lined among the minuscule curled leaves.

It took Cassandra about two minutes to take a deep inhale and open her mouth. New record.

"Are you… are you hurt?"

Nicole didn't look up at her, the concern dripping from her words alone were enough to squeeze her heart painfully.

"No. I'm all healed up, just tired." She could almost feel Cassandra's question of clarification, but not wanting to go over what had happened down in the laboratory so soon, she opted for something the brunette would hopefully be just as interested in. "We did get some odd results though."

At the lack of any interruption she went on. "Accelerated heart rate whenever I get hurt. Can't pass out." Which was both a blessing and a curse, depending on the point of view and situation. "Also for some reason my temperature gets really high."

"You get one hell of a fever?"

"Yeah."

Cassandra tapped a finger on Nicole's hand, mentally going over possibilities. "Aren't fevers used against infections? Maybe that has something to do with it."

A small hum passed her lips. Could that have something to do with it? It was possible that her healing abilities caused a fever in order to fight off any possible infection before it even became one. Maybe it was her body's way of lessening damage as much as possible since, as the day's events showed, the old replaced tissue had a tendency to get purged. She grimaced at the memory of slowly choking on blood and went for something at least slightly more pleasant.

"Oh and… I can't bleed out. Blood volume stays constant."

She looked up at Cassandra with what could only be described as a shit eating grin. Her wife blinked, realization seeming to dawn on her together with the faintest hint of a blush on her cheeks. She coughed.

"Yeah well. I'll keep that in mind. For when you don't need to sleep."

"And deny me some fun now?" Nicole's pout was purely for dramatic effect and it gained her an eye roll.

Two slender fingers gripped her chin to keep it in place while narrowed golden eyes bored into her green ones. The pout slowly morphed into a smirk. Cassandra was not the kind of person who did not indulge in her own pleasures and that, although to a more careful extent, included drinking her lover's blood. A fact that Nicole was not only not complaining about, but also learned to use in order to push all the right buttons.

When Nicole turned her head in the uncharacteristically gentle grip to plant a small kiss on the soft palm, Cassandra finally gave in. Concern was momentarily put on hold in the name of the normalcy they both have been denied in the last few weeks. She bent down, their lips meeting into a kiss that soon turned needy with tongue slipping past sharp teeth and a hand scratching lightly at her nape. Soon Cassandra broke their kiss, but only to slowly trail her way across her jawline with kisses and small nips. She bit at the soft skin right under the jaw bone, eliciting a quiet groan right by her sensitive ear. Black painted lips took her down the neck and across collarbones, planting a kiss right in between them, at the base of Nicole's throat.

When she slowly made her way to an exposed shoulder, Nicole's hand at the back of her head guided her further up, right above where her pulse was. After an inquisitive hum against her skin, she spoke quietly.

"Since blood loss isn't exactly a problem… no need to avoid the neck really."

Cassandra hesitated for a moment, but ultimately decided to trust her wife. She placed a gentle kiss on the spot right above where blood was flowing in rhythm with her heartbeat. The same gentle kiss that was placed on the skin countless times before and that only Nicole had the privilege of experiencing.

Sharp fangs sunk into tender flesh, the warm blood invading Cassandra's mouth making her moan low in her throat. Being used to the feeling of the bite by now, Nicole simply closed her eyes with a sigh and let her body melt into Cassandra's arms. The familiar blissful ache was welcomed, even though, she noticed, it did not bring with it the lightheadedness she had grown accustomed to.

Although she wasn't aware of it, Cassandra was, in a way, a creature of habit. Every time she would drink her blood, her hand would come up to cup Nicole's cheek, thumb slowly tracing the jawline, right before she would pull her mouth away. Every time, without fail.

This time however, when that happened, Nicole kept her in place with the hand tangled in brunette hair, her voice coming out breathy when she spoke. "Go on."

Cassandra would never admit it, but her self control would always waver while feeding. Therefore, she didn't need much convincing, continuing to take mouthfuls of blood in between a satisfied groan. When she finally had her fill, she pulled back with a bashful look in her eyes. Concern quickly flashed on her face at the sight of the crimson mess on her wife's neck.

Nicole however, not wanting their moment to get ruined, took one of Cassandra's hands in her own and slowly placed a soft kiss on each knuckle. After that was done, and the downright ticklish sensation of skin patching itself subsided, she guided the fingers over the bloody skin.

"See? Healed," she whispered.

Cassandra gingerly traced her fingers over the spot, looking for no longer existing puncture marks. She smiled upon not finding them and turned to pull out a handkerchief from a small drawer of her nightstand. A ritual of sorts, one practiced more times than they cared to count over the years. Cassandra passed the white cloth over the skin, wiping away the crimson stains while her wife relaxed into the touch.

"Feeling good?" It was a remark meant to poke fun at how much Nicole seemed to enjoy herself, but the double meaning did not go unnoticed.

A smile tugged at Nicole's lips and she nodded.

In turn, Cassandra hummed. "You taste different." And, at her lover's furrowed brows and the slightest hint of alarm flashing in her eyes, she clarified. "Not bad. Just different. Slightly sweeter actually."

"Is that so," Nicole purred, the smile returning to her lips.

Cassandra discarded the cloth on the floor to be retrieved later and shifted both of them back down on the myriad of pillows.

"Yes. Now how about you get some sleep."

Nicole wasted no time in snaking an arm around her waist and nuzzling into her side. It would never cease to amaze her how Cassandra's presence could make her feel so at ease, as if nothing beyond the castle's walls existed. At that moment, she couldn't help but be grateful for her newfound ability, useful in far more ways than one.

She stretched slightly upwards, auburn hair like a small waterfall behind her.

"I love you," she whispered against cool ashy lips.

"I love you too," Cassandra replied, closing the almost nonexistent space between their mouths in a soft kiss.

It left behind a slight coppery taste on Nicole's lips, but she couldn't bring herself to care, instead readjusting her legs to tangle comfortably around her wife's thigh.

[fandom-scatteredthoughtsonpaper]

A birthday fic to correct the awful event Mammon got!

Countdown to Your Special Day

Mammon x Yuki (My MC)

Pronouns: Zie/zir, they/them. If it's easier to read, feel free to sub in they/them for the main pronouns

Tags: Light-hearted romance, fluff/comfort, slight misunderstandings, agender MC, self-indulgent

Words: 4436

[2 months and 1 day away]

-Yuki was curled up in the corner of the couch, concentrated on zir D.D.D. Zie had an open notebook next to zir, the pages filled with calculated numbers and final prices with names of potential websites beside them, some scribbled out and some circled.

-Mammon's birthday was coming up in a couple months, and Yuki had started late in saving money for the surprise zie had wanted to plan for him. He had mentioned it last year as an ideal day, and zie really wanted to make it happen, especially considering all zie did for him was write a bunch of heartfelt letters. Zie wanted to give him something to really experience this time.

-It was just a bit more expensive than zie had realized. Rentals next to a lake were nothing to sneeze at.

-So absorbed with zir phone, Yuki hadn't noticed Lucifer as he entered the library where zie had gone to avoid nosy demons.

-"What are you doing in here, Yuki?"

-Startled, zie dropped zir phone and reflexively covered the notebook. When Yuki realized it was Lucifer, zie relaxed and slumped back against the couch. "Oh, it's just you. Don't scare me like that."

-"That was a bit of a reaction. Are you doing something I should be aware of?"

-"No," was zir immediate response, but then zie reconsidered zir answer. Yuki had been fumbling numbers and trying to make a decision for hours. Zie wanted to do this zirself, but zie'd never done something like this and probably, reluctantly, needed some aid. "Actually, yeah. I need your... help."

-Lucifer blinked, surprised. He hadn't expected this stubborn human who actively tried to make his life harder to ask for help, but Yuki seemed genuine in zir request. "Alright. What is it?"

[1 month and 23 days away]

-Mammon was by the entrance to RAD, waiting for Yuki to come out so they could go home together. Zie had been preoccupied with Lucifer this morning and hadn't left with the younger brothers like usual.

-His day had felt off with Yuki's absence but walking home with zir would make up for it.

-Fiddling around on his D.D.D., checking his sells and ignoring demands from the witches, he occasionally glanced up when saw movement coming out, but it was never Yuki. Hearing familiar voices when the doors cracked open, Mammon took his attention off his phone. It was only Levi and Satan, but maybe Yuki was trailing shortly behind.

-"Mammon, what are you still doing here?"

-"Yeah, I thought you'd be long gone by now after the way you rushed out of the classroom."

-"Shaddup. What's it to ya?" He paused. "I was waitin' for Yuki. Did ya happen to see 'em in there?"

-"So honest. Just say that to begin with," Levi muttered.

-"I think Yuki left earlier with Barbatos."

-"Yep, I overheard Barbatos mention that Lord Diavolo wanted to talk with them about something."

-"What?! Yuki didn't mention anythin' about meetin' with Lord Diavolo to me."

-Satan quirked a bemused eyebrow at Mammon's response. "Why would Yuki need to run it by you about meeting with Lord Diavolo?"

-"LOLOL, it's because Yuki's been avoiding Mammon for a week now. He's been acting like a stray dog without Yuki around."

-Mammon bristled at Levi's comment but didn't rebuttal. He pocketed his phone and walked away from his brothers, darting through the courtyard to leave RAD.

-It was true Yuki had been distant-like the last few of days, but Mammon was sure it was temporary. Even he got tied up in circumstances and important events he couldn't squirm out of. Sometimes it couldn't be helped.

-It wasn't temporary.

[3 weeks and 5 days away]

-"Hey, Yuki--"

-"Sorry, Mammon, I'm running late for my shift. I'll talk to you later!"

-With that as a bye, Yuki was out the door and gone.

-Yuki was usually lackadaisical about any jobs zie took unless one of the brothers worked with zir or if the job required zir full attention. Mammon was usually the first to know if zie had to work, but when--

-"When did Yuki pick up a job?"

-"Jobs," Satan corrected. "Yuki is working at The Fall tonight."

-"The Fall?" Asmo questioned.

"Hold on, what do ya mean 'jobs'? I ain't heard Yuki say anythin' about picking up jobs willingly," Mammon stated, a bit annoyed. He was getting tired of hearing his brothers be more informed about Yuki than he was.

-"When was the last time Yuki actually talked to you, Mammon, that wasn't in passing?" Levi teased without bothering to look up from his game.

-"Hey! We've talked plenty!"

-"Sure, if you want to call those conversations."

-Mammon wanted to argue with Levi, but he really couldn't. He wasn't wrong. Yuki had been absent, and whenever Mammon did manage to talk to zir it was about short and trivial things. It made it hard not to be concerned about the situation of their relationship when Yuki, who was usually glued to his side and spent so much time with him, was suddenly avoiding him. His life had become a bit lonelier without Yuki around.

-"Anyway," Satan interjected, "they've been picking up a lot of shifts from different places the last few weeks. I'm surprised neither you or Asmo knew, considering the network you both have."

-"What the heck does that mean?"

-"It means you're gossiping normies," Levi jeered.

-"Is that s'posed to be an insult?"

-"Besides all that, I'm shocked Yuki picked up shifts at The Fall. I'd love to see the outfit their wearing," Asmo mused. "I'll have to visit them later! I'm sure Yuki will feel completely refreshed after seeing my lovely face."

-Oh, that's right. If Mammon visited Yuki during work hours, zie'd have no choice but to talk with him. He could finally ask zir what the hell has been going on and get an explanation. At the very least just see zir.

-"Well, I'm goin' too! So don't get any funny ideas!"

-"You're not going anywhere, Mammon. You have three extra credit assignments due soon, and you haven't started a single one. Have you?"

-Mammon jumped, frightened by Lucifer's sudden presence behind him. A nervous chill tingled down his spine, so he could only guess the scowl that Lucifer was burning into the back of his head. He tried searching for an excuse, but he was coming up dry.

-Dammit, Lucifer, any time but now!

"W-Well, ya see, dearest big bro--"

-Irritated, Lucifer pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. He could feel a headache creeping on him. "That's what I thought. Mammon, my room. Now. I'm going to watch you finish your assignments, even if it takes all night."

[6 days away]

-Mammon simmered as he walked the hallway to Yuki's bedroom. Yuki had seen his messages, but zie was hardly responding to them, if zie did at all. The thought that he had unconsciously done or said something to offend Yuki teased his anxiety, but Mammon quickly squished it. Zie'd just been busy with work and had no off days, but according to Satan, zie only had one more shift.

-One more day that zie would be busy, but then after that zie'd have tons of free time. Yuki will be back by zir favorite demon's side, and then everything else will fall smoothly back into place.

-It was absurd how empty Mammon could feel with Yuki missing from his daily routines. It was worse than when zie had left, when all he could think about was zir where ever he went. Yuki was here though, so he didn't miss zir physically, not like when zie returned home.

-He missed talking with his human, about anything. He missed expecting to see zir when he turned his head. He was missing a piece of a puzzle, and it was aggravating when it was just in grasp, hiding from him.

-Yuki was going to receive a real earful. He deserved that much of complaining after how he'd been treated.

-That could wait though.

-It had been a while since Mammon and Yuki had gone out on a date, and he had just gotten paid from his latest photoshoot. He was confident if he met with Yuki face-to-face and invited zir out zie wouldn't say no.

-That had been the plan until he saw Yuki coming the down the corridor, walking with a purpose. An antsy feeling stabbed him in the gut.

-"Yuki!"

-Yuki froze mid-stride as Mammon approached zir. "Mammon."

-"Yeah, me! The Great Mammon has decided to bless ya with his presence since ya keep ignorin' my messages. Anyway! Guess who got paid today with a bonus? And guess who's gettin' treated to whatever they feel like tomorrow tonight?"

-"Sorry, Mammon, I can't. I have to go to the human world with Lucifer."

-"What'd'ya mean? I didn't hear nothin' 'bout Lucifer havin' to go to the human world."

"Regardless of what you did or didn't hear, it's true all the same. Yuki and I have an appointment in the human world and won't be back for a couple days. Your plans will have to be postponed for later."

-Why was something always blindsiding him lately?

-"What?! Well, if Yuki's goin', I'm goin' too!"

-"Absolutely not. I don't need you causing havoc when I take my eyes off you for more than a second. Don't worry, though, I'll need your company next week for a special trip to the human world."

-It had been quick, but Mammon had thought he had seen Yuki flicked zir eyes at Lucifer.

-"Mammon, it's just for a couple days. Do your best to tough it out. We'll hang out plenty after, okay?"

"Ya better keep your word."

[The Night Before]

-"Mammon, don't forget you're accompanying me to the human world tomorrow morning," Lucifer announced when everyone had sat down for dinner.

-"Yeah, yeah, I remember," Mammon replied. He wasn't the least bit interested in being ordered around doing paperwork and errands. Catching movement from his peripheral, Mammon noticed Yuki trying to look at him without being obvious. He just got zir back, and they had hardly spent any time together. He didn't want to leave, even if it was just a day. More than anything, he wanted to stay with Yuki. "You should definitely come too. You agree, don't ya, Yuki?"

-Yuki barely had the chance to open zir mouth, let alone formulate an answer, before Lucifer answered instead. "No, Yuki has other affairs to attend tomorrow. It's only a day, Mammon. I'm sure you'll be able to handle it, so don't complain."

-There wasn't any further comments about the trip, but Mammon made it obvious he was still hot under the collar with the way he stomped away, taking Yuki right along with him, when dinner concluded. He had been on cleaning duty with Belphie, but Lucifer offered in his place, quelling any complaints.

-Lucifer smiled amusedly to himself as he cleared the table. If only Mammon was aware enough to know what was planned for the day.

-"I can't believe that jerk," Mammon remarked as he dropped onto Yuki's bed. Yuki rolled zir eyes in response before sitting beside the grumpy demon. "I had plans I wanted to do tomorrow, ya know? Dammit! He just came back from the human world!"

-"Did you actually have plans?" Yuki asked it with a sarcastic tone, but zie was suddenly concerned. It was his birthday tomorrow, so maybe he had made plans that Yuki hadn't accounted for.

-Mammon glared at Yuki, his cheeks a shade darker than a moment prior, either from frustration or embarrassment wasn't certain. "I did," he stated softly.

"With who?"

"You, obviously!"

"Wait, we had plans tomorrow? What di--"

-Before Yuki could finish Mammon yanked zir down next to him, hugging zir tightly. Momentarily surprised, Yuki was slow to return the embrace. Zie expected him to be a bit clingy because zie'd been unavailable to be with him for a while, but this hug felt a bit too tight, desperate.

-"You said we could hang out after y'all returned from the human world, but we ain't had much time without being interrupted or the others butting in."

-"Ah. You're right," Yuki agreed. It's funny how zie had been planning this whole affair for Mammon, but in the process has unintentionally abandoned. Zie regretted that.

-"You're warm," he muttered into zir neck. "..I've missed ya like crazy. I've been dyin' to hug you, but it isn't actually enough now that I am. I'm not lettin' you go for the rest of the night."

-A soft sting of guilt hit Yuki's heart. Zie probably could have done a better job of trying to keep the surprise a secret without leaving Mammon completely in the dark, but between the jobs and helping Diavolo and classes taking up the majority of zir time... No, that wasn't an excuse. Yuki had hurt Mammon. That was obvious.

-Yuki entangled zir legs with Mammon's and reached zir arms around his waist, holding him close. Zie took a moment to just be with Mammon, inhaling his smell, hearing his heart beat. Zie had missed him too, a whole bunch, almost too much, but hopefully tomorrow would make up for the weeks of absence and neglect. "I missed you, too, Mammon. Just put up with it for a little bit longer."

[The Day!]

-"Happy birthday, Mammon!!"

-He had heard Yuki's voice before he had actually seen zir. He was flabbergasted to see zir come out of the cabin he had arrived at.

-When Mammon had woken up and joined the others for breakfast, Yuki had already left. It wasn't long after that Lucifer and he prepared for the trip to the human world. He had dragged his feet and groaned, making a show of not wanting to go. When Lucifer had sent Mammon ahead of him to get things ready, he thought it had been a punishment for his attitude, but after coming through the portal into the human world, he realized it wasn't in the city or anywhere near the hotel they usually stayed at.

-The scenery was beautiful and spacious, open in nature with cabins lining a sparking lake that had docks and piers dividing it. Unlike the city cramped full of people and towering buildings designed with glaring windows that bounced the bright sunlight off of them and funky smells, this area was full of trees that casted cool shadows and a refreshing breeze that rustled the leaves.

-Mammon was absolutely gobsmacked.

-Yuki beamed when zie saw the awestruck trance Mammon was in. Zie was hoping he'd like it. Mammon was definitely a city boy, but Yuki took a guess he enjoyed the lure of natural scenery too, based on their picnic date and walks through the forests.

-Mammon's daze broke when he saw Yuki approaching him. "What's goin' on, Yuki?"

-"C'mon, ya dummy, think! You didn't expect Lucifer to make you go on a business trip on your birthday, did you? It was his way of bringing you up here without being suspicious. Although, I thought you definitely would've caught on last week with what he said."

-He had completely forgotten about his birthday. Mammon had been entirely focused on Yuki and zir strange attitude that he'd spaced on even the date.

-"Oh."

-"Yeah, so," Yuki stepped back and spread zir arms out, displaying the lake on zir right and the cabin on zir left, "happy birthday... again! You mentioned a cabin by a lake as an ideal place to go, and you also wanted to rent a boat in the park, so I thought merging the two together would be a good idea! On top of that, I plan to 'spoil ya rotten all day'. What does the Great Mammon think?"

-"Ya know, I'm not deaf to the mocking tone. You're killin' the mood before it's even started, but I guess I can let it slide!"

[Final Hours]

-As the dimming daylight darkened through the pulled curtains, Yuki and Mammon lounged restfully on the couch. Mammon used Yuki's lap as a pillow as zie stroked zir fingers against his head. The tingling feeling traveled down his spine and relaxed his body. He could probably fall asleep in this position with Yuki brushing his hair with such tender touches. If they were at the House of Lamentation, they wouldn't be able to have this kind of moment without being interrupted by his brothers. Too bad the day was coming to an end.

-Dwelling on the negative thought caused him to unintentionally frown, and Yuki noticed the crease on his brow. Zie poked his forehead to get his attention, and his eyes opened to see Yuki leaning over him.

-"What are you thinking about?"

-"That we'll have to go back to the Devildom tomorrow. How am I s'posed to accept that after today? Today was too good to end like that, ya know?"

-Yuki hummed in agreement. Zie briefly looked away as a thoughtful expression morphed zir features. "Well," zie started, zir eyes focused back on Mammon, "I couldn't afford to stay for more than one night. My birthday is just a few months away, so maybe you could plan something for us, like when you rented the pool."

-Mammon felt a pang of short-lived guilt for complaining. Yuki had worked hard to save enough money to rent this cabin, even with Diavolo hooking zir up months in advance. "I still can't believe ya didn't just tell me. I was actually..."

-"Worried you did something? Sorry, Mammon. I should have said something, but I was nervous that I couldn't keep it a secret. I was too excited to not tell you, but then the jobs piled up and I promised to help Diavolo in exchange for talking the price down with the owner. I shouldn't have ignored you though. I'm sorry."

-There was a lull in their conversation, but it was only a slightly weighted silence. The misunderstandings were cleared up and today was one of the best days Mammon had ever had, spending it alone with Yuki. He would have enjoyed it even if it hadn't been his birthday and with Yuki pampering him all day.

-"C'mere," Mammon said as he placed a warm hand against the back of Yuki's neck, pulling zir down for a kiss. "You're goin' to have to take responsibility for my feelings. You're the reason I was stressin' out. The whole time you were busy workin' your ass off for this trip, I was thinkin' of you. As your first, I'm entitled to know what you're doin'. I'm gonna get my fill of ya tonight before we have to head home. I've got weeks worth to get outta ya."

-Yuki's cheeks heated as Mammon greedily kissed zir lips. Zie silently agreed that zie wanted to get the most out of Mammon while they were still alone, but one night of trying to cram almost a month and a half of time lost wasn't possible.

-"Your lips are warm," Mammon murmured as they separated. "That wasn't nearly enough to satisfy me though. I wanna show ya how much I appreciate you."

-"What, uh, what do you wanna do?"

-"Right now? Nothin'. Bein' with ya like this is enough for the moment. I love you, Yuki."

-An explosion of emotions surged through Yuki's chest to the rest of zir body, making zir giddy with adoration. Zie wasn't sure how zie was containing it, but staring down into Mammon's eyes, seeing his tinted cheeks, and him just relaxing with zir simultaneously fueled zir feelings more while also grounding zir.

-"I love you, too, Mammon."

[cinematicnomad]

Possible controversial opinion time - I can't help but see parallels between Buddie and Destiel. The writers spent 11 years showing how much Dean and Cas meant to each other, and yet it culminated in whatever that abomination of an ending was. I'm still so disappointed and hurt. I feel Buddie is headed that direction. I just don't think the show will ever follow through. It's hard to stay invested when I'm pretty sure I'll just end up sad again.

prefacing this with my usual i'm-a-pessimist-at-heart-and-won't-believe-buddie-will-go-canon-until-it's-happening-on-the-screen-right-in-front-of-my-face:

as much as i love destiel (and oh man, anon, i FUCKING love destiel), i don't think these ships, or shows, or dynamics, are comparable. bear with me for a minute as i provide some really necessary context that i think people tend to forget when making these comparisons:

supernatural was a bush-era (white, straight, cishet) male power fantasy tv show. like, not even the tail-end of the bush presidency, it started airing in 2005 right around the start of bush's second term. we were pretty firmly in the middle of the bush presidency. queer characters on tv were few and far between (usually relegated to one off guest stars or premium networks like showtime or hbo etc etc), gay marriage wasn't even legal yet, don't-ask-don't-tell was emblematic of the ~*coexist*~ ideology, and in the realm of tv even if they weren't overtly homophobic or anti-gay, they were culturally complacent. tv writers felt v comfortable making derogatory comments about queer people just for the ~*laughs*~ (please go back and rewatch gilmore girls and just....wait for the homophobic jokes to pour in, bc holy shit, there are a lot of them) and supernatural fell in line with that pretty squarely (haha everyone thinks sam and dean are gay, the motel owners are always offering them a single queen bed, dean's totally compensating for ~*something*~, isn't it funny).

and supernatural, despite growing and evolving over 15 years, really did hold on to that demographic. supernatural was one of those random shows that appealed to both democratic and republican viewers, and the network, the producers, the showrunners, the writers, WHATEVER, were not going to alienate their conservative audience. because: money.

9-1-1 just?? isn't comparable. the show started airing in 2018 and despite all the terrible things in the world, there HAS been progress in society and we can see that reflected in the show. we have several named main and regular queer characters on this show, who have plots and storylines that aren't just about their sexuality, who aren't used for the very-special-after-school-episode, but exist as fully rounded characters. hen is a main character and has been since e1 and we've gotten such beautiful storylines about her relationship with karen and their family and it is a jOY to watch on my screen compared to the types of (v limited) representation i saw as a teen in the mid-00s.

i mean...i think there are arguments to be made that bisexual representation still has far to go, and i have serious doubts that a ry*n m*rphy project will be the place to see any of that happen (he's biphobic af and i'm not talking about "oh there were some questionable plots in glee"), not to mention i still think that show creators have an easier time getting greenlit when pitching defined characters as queer from the outset compared to arguing for a character who was envisioned as straight-presenting at the start be allowed to evolve/grow/discover themselves through the course of the show (off the top of my head, characters who started out straight and came out several seasons after the fact...callie on grey's, willow on buffy, and marissa on the oc?). like i agree with you there! again, i'm a pessimist, so like i'm not telling you to be more positive or whatever?

but i just think that arguments that destiel and buddie are going to follow the same path lack a lot of nuance and tend to overlook some really important distinctions between both shows and the world writ large, and??

speaking of ship dynamics on their own, i'd just point to the fact that supernatural, for all that i loved about it, genuinely seemed to want to constantly run away from dean and castiel's dynamic? they spent entire seasons coming up with contrived ways to keep the two characters separate or to force them at odds with each other. like, ACTIVELY wrote plots and character arcs that undermined dean and castiel's bond at every turn bc the show didn't or couldn't address how much they mattered to each other. they'd give you like...breadcrumbs and then try to pretend like none of it mattered. (also this is when i plug that if you're not already you should 110% be watching bob weiss's destiel deep dive series on youtube)

on the other hand, whether or not buddie goes canonically romantic (which again! i doubt will happen!), 9-1-1 HAS canonically made their bond central to both characters and has repeatedly underscored just how much they matter to each other and just how involved they are in each other's lives. like, whether or not you think the writers will ever let them confess their romantic love for each other, the show DOES routinely center plots for both characters on their relationship with each other and repeatedly goes back to the same well to define just how much they matter to each other. s4 literally ended with eddie revealing that he made buck christopher's legal guardian like....they are doing the opposite of supernatural tbh.

this ran away from me so i'm just gonna publish this ask as is sorry

✨sleepover weekend✨

[hoshiyoshis]

Hey, its gonna be okay. There are lots of moments in life where our pasions just arent as intense as before or even disapear for a little while, but that doesnt mean you should feel bad/angered with your self over it. Try to give this a breake, focus on other things even if it is only a week or two, because the more you drawn onto this feeling the harder its gonna be on you.

Also, you dont need to apologise to people for following you, you are doing you best🌸💖

ive kinda left this one in my inbox all day bc i dont know what to really say to it, ig? like. obviously i want to start with the fact that i appreciate u took time out of ur day to say something nice to someone whos struggling bc it genuinely means a lot to me that u did that!!

idk take some ramblings of a struggling artist or w/e u wanna call me. 'depressed bitch' also works lmao

i guess i just... always feel like i'm not doing enough as a creator. like as a fan idc abt making content, but i like making things. i think just... stuff comes back around like darl+ing did, or like HOT did, and i just kinda watch everyone else make pretty much every single thing ever and i sit there and im like... well, what do i do? what can i do? everyone's always going to make things better than me to begin with.

it's not like drawing or writing where i'm the only person who can create a thing that way. its taking the exact same content as other people do and just... doing it, but always doing it worse because other people have done this enough times that it looks easy to them even though i know its not. some people probably have their stuff automated so that they can churn content out quickly.

i guess i'll always feel like... not good enough. and i think that's always where my passion dies out. and if i'm honest, i think i notice it the most in caratblr out of anything else. it always feels weirdly competitive. gif the mv first. make your sets for the new gose episode and get them posted as fast as you can but also make them look good. there's a new fancam? there will be gifsets already uploaded before you even view the first few seconds of it.

and it's not that i would ever ask another creator to slow down because if they're genuinely enjoying making their content then go for it? have fun? i just wish people consumed content better. if you aren't a "big name" then you aren't going to get notes. sometimes it feels like if you aren't a part of closed network that you aren't going to get anything either. or maybe people just... don't want to reblog things.

i don't know. i just notice it the most in caratblr compared to the other groups i made gifs for. i think that's honestly why i really prefer making content for groups like treasure or golcha? its just... more comfortable. i don't feel like i'm constantly competing with other people to produce something for them.

i make a gifset of hyunsuk and i feel at home with getting reblogs from my mutuals and seeing people be nice in the notes. i make that skz + red set and i see some ppl being super nice and calling it pretty/stunning or pointing out the way felix looks in one of the gifs.

which isnt to say caratblr isnt nice. i think abt the sweet tags i get usually from my mutuals, sometimes from ppl outside that circle, too. but idk, i just notice an imbalance more of reblogs to likes more often there. i compare myself to other creators who get hundreds of notes which is probably my own damn fault for comparing so much.

and i think that just... genuinely impacts my enjoyment of things. sometimes im like "oh maybe it'll be fun to gif the new mv haha" or something and then i remember oh, right, im not talented enough for that. other people are going to do it and do it better every single time so why should i try?

also lmao its just hard to be on tumblr in general when stuff like this happens. logic says "take a break for a few days" but i just... i dont want to. i like being here. i like interacting with my mutuals. i just know i'm going to sit there and feel fucking awful though if i try to scroll through my dash. and if i take a break for too long, then it feels like im falling even further behind. i already have to take a fucking extra semester to finish my schooling, i feel even more pathetic falling behind in a hobby that i actually like.

its stupid. sometimes i feel like i don't deserve to be here and to be a fan if i let so much stupid shit like that bother me. i know i don't have to create content to be a fan, but i just... i like doing it. its just hard to not lose all motivation again and wonder why i even bother being here and listening when i can't give them my all in return.