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cherriesfineline · 3 years

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Au Pair – Chapter I

It's finally here – I'm sorry this took so long, this past few weeks have been a mess but here it is, our first chapter for the Au Pair series; I kinda hate this, ngl- I always hate first chapters, a lot of introductory info and bla bla but yeah.

In the weird case you happen to enjoy this and want to be added into the taglist (starting next chapter) you can request it here.

Feedback, likes or reblogs are so, so appreciated! I'm very much new to the whole writing world so yeah it'd be really helpful to hear your thoughts about this <3

Love you all, have a wonderful week beauties!

Warnings: none specifically for this chapter – age gap.

WC: 6.6k

Masterlist

Y/N was tired, to say the least.

And it wasn’t the tiredness she used to feel after a long work shift at her previous job -where her boss was an old, grumpy lady with horrible manners- or the exhaustion felt after spending hours crying due to a fight with her mother. No, this was different. It was a tiredness she couldn’t get rid of; a tiredness no lavender smelling bath or hours upon hours of sleep could amend.

She couldn't pinpoint the exact moment her brain shifted in such a drastic way. Y/N could easily recognize and admit her life had never been an exciting one; a memorable one. Ever since she was a little girl it all seemed to fly by; graduations, birthdays, friendships – nothing ever seemed to leave an impact and nothing ever seemed as exciting as everyone else put it to be. She knew she struggled with allowing herself to enjoy things, but this far her life had been pretty average.

Maybe it was the fact that she was 22 years old and never been in a real relationship what skyrocketed her fear of dying alone. Now, she knew it might seem exaggerated – 22 years wasn’t a long life at all, but the pungent emptiness she’d been feeling felt like her inevitable destiny – like that’s how life was supposed to be for her.

England felt different, though. But in all honesty, her emotions hadn’t had switched into completely different ones like she’d expected to happen when she applied for this job as an Au Pair all the way back in February.

With a steaming hot cup of coffee between her cold hands, she sat down next to Coco (a very soft grey Scottish Fold) on the giant couch of her new home, scratching in between his tiny ears earning a low purr in response. Coco had become one of her closest friends so far, along with Anya, a three year old girl with cute blonde locks and a laugh so contagious it made the muscles on your cheeks ache after a long playdate.

Maybe moving away wasn’t the smartest choice. It actually might be one of the stupidest choices she had ever made, actually – moving all the way across the globe when she cried herself to sleep most nights due to her loneliness overcoming her (almost inexistent) self-awareness. Y/N liked to believe she had a wide understanding of her emotions, but it was a blatant lie.

At least she was distracted for most of the day – taking care of two kids and looking after a teenager wasn’t an easy task. It required a lot of mental presence; but by the time she was in bed at night, it all hit back again. She thought maybe this is how life is supposed to be for her, lonely – maybe it was not her brain playing her tricks but her brain making her see how her life truly was.

It’d been two weeks since the Lockehold family picked Y/N up from the airport, and on one side getting physically adjusted to this new life hadn't been as rough as she thought it’d be. She did have it easy, if she had to admit – a big room in a giant, beautiful home and a car to her disposal. Emotionally, on the other side, life was still the same.

She knew the moment she heard heels hitting the cold marble staircase Bella was on her way down with Ivy, the eldest of the three sisters, following close behind, complaining about a hangout she was apparently going to miss because they “are expecting a guest” as Bella announced, meaning neither of her parents could drive her. That’s how Y/N found herself sitting in her (borrowed) blue Jeep Renegade driving Ivy to her friend Lily’s house – who lived in the same rich, over-the-top neighborhood as her guest family, which meant the ride to and back was no longer than twenty minutes. During those minutes together, though, Y/N could physically feel the irritation running through Ivy’s blood because first, she still wasn’t too fond of Y/N because she is 16 and doesn’t need a babysitter -her words, not Y/N’s- and second, Y/N is still not accustomed to driving on the other side of the road.

Technically, Y/N had the weekends off. Living with the same people who employed her gladly didn’t mean working 24/7, but she hoped she could earn a couple of points in her favor if she took her free time to drive her around.

After a short conversation between the two (where Ivy refused to save Y/N’s number in case an emergency came up because she could always call her dad), Y/N dropped her off and drove back to the Lockehold’s. What caught her off guard, was the sight of someone in the driveway at the house next door getting suitcases out of the trunk of a black cab – there hadn’t been any movement in the old Victorian mansion since she’d moved in next door. A man, definitely very tall, dressed in a dark suit is all Y/N could decipher since it was already dark outside and she had to strictly concentrate on not switching to the opposite side of the road out of habit.

Alex was coming down the stairs when Y/N locked the front door – Bella’s husband was a very handsome man for his age, probably anyone could admit it. He was kind of scary sometimes, but was a true sweetheart on the inside; he’s in his mid-40’s and it was clear as day his family meant everything to him, he even treated Y/N like his own daughter, always making sure she’s comfortable and inviting her to most family hangouts – even though Y/N declined pretty often to allow them to have quality time as a family (and because being too socially involved drained her, but they needn’t have to know that)

“You wanna join us for dinner? We have a guest tonight. A family friend.”

“Oh, no, I'm good, you guys enjoy yourselves. I’ll say hello, though.” Y/N replied with a smile; and as before mentioned, even though she had the weekends to herself, they still loved to insist on her joining them for fancy dinners and whatnot. The Lockehold’s loved being hostesses, loved having people around (from what Y/N learned this past two weeks) but she really wanted -and needed- some time for herself after being with them the entire week, and even though she loved hanging out with them, she just wasn’t in the mood tonight.

“You sure? Bella made homemade pasta, from scratch. Her specialty.” Mouthwatering, Y/N thought. Bella was such an amazing cook, and even though she worked hours upon hours every day, she still came to her husband and kids in time to make dinner every night, not missing a single day.

“Sounds delicious, but I think I’ll pass, I’m just really tired.” And before anyone could make another comment, the loud bell ringing through the main floor of the house startled Y/N as it’s louder than ordinary – and sounded kind of old and creepy, in her opinion. By the time the constant thud in her chest lowered to a normal speed, she could recognize Bella’s voice in the foyer, meaning she was the one who received their guest, with a deep voice following after saying 'thank you for having me'.

"He's here!" Alex clasped his hands together, a wide smile appearing in his face. Y/N followed him into the living room where Bella was already chatting animatedly with a man; tall and with broad shoulders (but not excessively; just the right amount) his figure was leaning slightly forward as he listened to Bella rambling about all the 'good things he had missed while he was away'. His hands were clasped on his back and when he lifted his head, he made direct eye contact with Y/N without even having to search for her eyes. His brown curls were perfectly placed on top of his head looking extremely soft, and when he ran his hand through it Y/N couldn’t help but swallow harshly. He undoubtedly looked like someone who belonged in Hollywood next to a young Leo DiCaprio and he was definitely older than Y/N – probably already in his 30's, she guessed, but ageing like the finest wine. He had the softest looking wrinkles in the corners of his eyes – those eyes, forest green; reminded Y/N of what used to be home for her. His intense gaze held a lot of emotion, a lot of thought, unlike his face, that appeared stiff and cold, with a slight crease between his brows. His pink, heart-shaped lips were pressed in a line, a cute mole adorning one side of his chin.

"Harry! It's so good to see you, we've missed you." Alex's excitement forced him to drift his gaze away from Y/N, leaving her like a heated teenager salivating for him. Y/N honestly thought he might had left her speechless and most likely with increasing probabilities to make a fool out of herself if someone needed her to talk, as she was certain she wouldn't be able to formulate any coherent sentences.

Harry. It totally suited him, Y/N repeated his name a couple of times inside her head to check on its pronunciation. Alex reached him and pulled him in a big hug, patting each other's back, and Harry's lips broke into a huge smile making a line of pearly white teeth appear. And dimples. God, he had dimples.

This is how I die, Y/N thought.

"So good to see you, Alex." If sex was a sound, his voice would definitely be it.

"Your skin is glowing, Harry. Italy always does you wonders." Bella gushed. And she was right – his skin had this beautiful golden undertone, but it looked natural and radiant, almost like the sun itself kissed and caressed his skin with the softest touches. Alex snapped Y/N into reality when he turned to face her and grabbed her hand to pull her closer to them, starting a long introduction no one was paying much attention to, explaining how he’d missed her arrival, like he even cared, and how she was the Au Pair they’d all been talking about ever since February. It wasn’t until Alex mentioned something about Y/N and Harry probably seeing each other a lot she was suddenly interested in what was actually going on.

“He owns the school the girl’s attend.” Alex directed towards her. Now, Y/N assumed the moment she laid eyes on him he was probably rich – who wears a suit to a Sunday dinner with friends? Rich people are weird, that’s something we can all agree on; but owning a school which’s monthly fees per kid were worth three of her salaries? That was quite unexpected.

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Harry." Y/N offered him her hand, trying to sound as casual as possible, even if her skin felt like it was burning under his intense gaze and her eyes were definitely betraying her.

"The pleasure’s all mine, Y/N." He shook her hand. His strong hold sent shivers down her spine; the cold rings making a big contrast against the heat his hand radiated and she couldn't help but fantasize about how his touch would feel in some other places.

The sudden embarrassment feeling hot against her cheeks made her turn around impossibly faster, feeling guilty at the dirty thoughts consuming her brain while around her bosses – and in front of him. Making a beeline straight to her room, announcing she was calling it a night, she sent Harry a quick -but quite charming- smile, and couldn’t help but soften at the sound of Anya running down the stairs yelling an excited ‘Harryyyy’ once she was past the kitchen.

She knew she got lucky with her commodities – an entire studio-like apartment past the main kitchen of the house, where the servant’s area used to be located a handful of decades ago; but she cussed in a whisper when she remembered half way through her making of a sandwich (four hours after she’d retreated to her bedroom and because she decided on skipping dinner that night, not having enough energy to cook) that her lazy ass still hadn’t bought mayonnaise. Her small kitchen had enough space to hold her snacks, along with some ingredients to make a few meals, since she only had to worry about food on the weekends. Reluctantly, she took the small plate holding her sandwich and made her way towards the main kitchen. There was no way in hell she’d eat a sandwich with no mayo – never in a million years, too dry to go down her throat.

I guess they won't mind if I grab just enough to put on my sandwich, she thought. The house was quiet, everyone probably already in bed, therefore she almost pissed herself when she found Harry sitting in one of the kitchen stools, looking down at his phone with an annoyed expression adorning his face. Almost as if he could sense someone was in the same room, he looked up to find Y/N standing at the kitchen threshold, his face abandoning any sort of emotion.

"Hey."

"Hi." Y/N walked towards the fridge on the far right of the kitchen, opposite from where she came in. "Sorry, I thought no one was here."

"Don't worry, just waiting for Bella and Alex to come back down to have some tea, they're putting the girls to sleep. Would you like to join us?" He offered. And honestly, she'd love to say yes and just listen to him talk with that deep, melodic voice, but her stomach was really hating her right now.

"I'm good, just grabbing some mayo. Thank you, though." She declined with a small smile.

"Next time." He sounded more demanding than suggesting, which slightly baffled Y/N. "Can I ask where you are from?" He asked respectfully.

"A small town in the Argentine Patagonia." Y/N replied with her back facing him as she busied herself with the mayonnaise container.

"Never been to Argentina. Or anywhere in South America, actually." And when Y/N turned around, sandwich in hand ready to go back to her room, their eyes met across the kitchen and she felt the heat creeping up her neck for the second time that night. Y/N wondered how his gaze was always this intense – she wasn’t a fan of how they’d barely exchanged a few words and somehow she felt so exposed.

"You should. It's beautiful." She almost, almost, choked on her own words and when she looked down at her fuzzy pink socks and back to him to try and calm her growing nerves down, he surprised her when she caught him looking up and down her body – in any other case she definitely would’ve felt creeped out, but there was something about him, the fact that he definitely didn’t do it with the intention of her catching him (she noticed how he shifted uncomfortably on his seat after the exchange) and how he simply added a “I’m sure it is," afterwards, she knew she was fucked right then and there – she wanted him looking at her. Was that something bad?

But then – then she remembered how she was wearing her soft cotton pajamas, and she began wondering if he was just laughing internally at her outfit instead of checking her out like she initially thought. And just like a save from heaven, Bella and Alex appeared in the kitchen discussing who was picking Ivy up from her friend's house. "Hi Y/N, still awake?"

"Yeah, got hungry. Stole a bit of mayo, hope you don't mind." She shyly held the plate up.

"Please, this is your house too." Alex waved her off.

"Thanks. Gonna go back now." Y/N pointed towards the small hallway that led to her room. "Goodnight." Turning her body to walk away, she caught Harry's eyes, again, still staring at her, but decided on simply walking away, breaking eye contact, making that small interaction their last one for the night.

The following week consisted of Anya and Y/N playing lots of fun games, trying to get a word out of Charlie and Ivy ignoring her for the most part. Her relationship with each of them was completely different, each trusting her at their own peace, getting used to having a stranger around. Anya seemed the only one openly excited to hang out with Y/N every day, and even though she could tell Charlie didn't exactly mind her presence, she still hadn't talked to her as much as she'd like her to.

"What are you up to, Charlie?" Y/N asked the seven year old as she sat next to her in the big playroom they had on the main floor. Charlie kept her gaze locked on her drawing with a handful of crayons on her right hand as she drew with her left. "You're left handed? That's so cool!" Bella had mentioned some time ago that Charlie had a really hard time letting people in, Y/N knew it'd take some time for her to see her as a friend -like she wanted her to- rather than someone who gets paid to hang out with her, but Bella confessed Charlie was actually really excited to meet Y/N, which felt like a small relief, knowing she actually wanted her there – unlike Ivy. Charlie spoke only when necessary and struggled with making friends but her psych pedagogue said she's just really shy and that ‘once she breaks out of her shell, she's unstoppable’. "I love the birds you drew here." Y/N pointed at some small birds sitting in a tree branch.

"Bluebirds." She murmured.

Getting a single word from her was considered progress, in Y/N’s opinion, but that’s all she got for the entire afternoon – even after constantly sending comments her way while playing with Anya so Charlie wouldn’t feel left out, not a single word came out of her mouth. Anya mentioned Harry at some point while talking about her favorite doll (which Harry had gifted her for her 3rd birthday) and the flash of captivating green eyes almost blinded her internally (she couldn’t deny she’d thought about Harry every once in a while this past week)

And it wasn’t until later that same day, after spending a long while sitting alone in a nearby park, she got the chance to see him again – even if he had scared her (almost) to death, she couldn’t help but feel an annoying flutter in her stomach.

She would like to say she loved her long walks during the most unreasonable times at night, but her reasoning behind her late night needs of distraction didn’t exactly thrill her. It was during the quietest and most peaceful times of the day when her mind seemed to speed faster than ever before; the sleepless nights and brain-wrecking thinking of how alone and empty she actually felt, along with the laziness and reluctance when it came to things that used to make her happy weighed her down like carrying a sack of potatoes on her back.

As she was walking past her neighbor's house (the one where she had seen that man with the suitcases last week) she noticed someone sitting on the large porch. Weird, she thought. She hadn't noticed any movement in the house since that night a week ago, to the point she even considered it being empty again. The silhouette seemed oddly familiar though she couldn’t quite put her finger on it.

"Y/N." She slightly jumped as she heard them call for her, in a strong and deep accent. Was that...

"Harry?" She asked befuddled. Did he live there? She watched as he stood up from his sitting position on the outdoor couch and walked across his front yard to take a closer look at him stopping at the bottom of the short staircase that leads to the porch. "What are you doing up so late?" And then something clicked in her brain – he was probably the man she saw that night, with his suitcases. It made sense, how he probably got home from vacation the same day he had dinner at the Lockehold's – the same day Bella mentioned something about him being in Italy

"Can't sleep." He simply replied, with a small sigh. He then nodded to the seat behind him, and Y/N could physically feel her brain going a thousand miles per minute. She sat on the far left of the couch as he retook his seat on the right, "what are you doing up so late?" He repeated her question.

And Y/N repeated his answer. "Can't sleep."

So they sat in silence, what felt like hours barely being a few seconds. "Didn't know you lived next door." Y/N took the time to take in his side profile - sharp and long nose, the tip curving slightly downwards when he spoke the next line.

"Never mentioned it." He replied apathetically. The unexpected switch in his tone made her immediately shut up, and even though it confused Y/N as to why he would want her joining him if he didn't want to talk, she was dreading going back to her room alone to drown in her thoughts again. She'd take uncomfortable company over being alone when her head got like this, it helped her get distracted; overthinking this situation instead of the same scenarios that constantly lived in her head.

They again sat in silence for a while, this time for longer than a few minutes, and even though it was slightly uncomfortable, there was an unspoken understanding between them. He just wanted company, and so did she. This time, however, it was him who tried for conversation. "Why did you choose England for your Au Pair program?"

"I was actually convinced I was going to choose France," Y/N shared with a soft tone, "but when I met the girls in one of my interviews I just knew I had to come here. Anya was so excited about meeting me, she thought it was already settled." She ended with a small smile on her lips. The memory of Anya smiling happily at her through the computer screen even when she hadn't had met her yet warming her heart.

It was true, the fact that she’d chosen England because of the girls. She wanted to learn French – she knew her way around the English language pretty well; but the French family whom interviewed her didn’t come close to the Lockehold’s at all – she thought maybe the experience of living in a whole different continent with a wonderful family was better than choosing a place because of the language – the experience was being experienced either way.

"Anya is a very special kid. They all are." Harry declared, the left corner of his mouth turning upwards in a small half smile.

Y/N nodded slowly before asking, "How long have you known them?" She could recall Alex saying he was a family friend – but she had no other information about him besides that.

"A while." The small conversation went for a long while, he shared the real reason as to why he was awake so late, explaining how he has struggled with falling asleep ever since he was young, but besides that comment, he kept his life very private; not sharing much information about himself during their chat, and every time Y/N reciprocated a question, he would either answer vaguely or didn't answer at all, changing the subject with another question. "It's really late" He commented, Y/N’s phone reading 1:08am.

"Yeah, I should probably go to bed." She lifted her head to look at him, who was already searching for her eyes. Y/N cleared her throat when a few moments passed by, again, with no one speaking a word. She wondered what could possibly be going through his head at the time, but he nodded, got up and said, "I'll see you around, Y/N." Her name flowed so nicely out of his lips it made her knees get weak. Locking herself in her bedroom (after entering it by the door at the side of the house – which leaded straight to her room) she laid in bed trying to understand why they’d just hang out in his front porch way past midnight when they clearly didn’t know each other very well – or at all, better said.

First day of classes came by in a heartbeat. The first Monday of September Y/N found herself getting up earlier than she was accustomed to, since the girl's sleeping schedule was different during the summer. 6:15am read her alarm when she lazily threw the soft covers off her body. A quick shower and minimal makeup application later, she stood naked next to her bed checking the weather app, as to know how to prepare the girl's clothes.

After putting a soft pink sweater on and a pair of flared jeans, Y/N left the warmth of her room to wake the girls up. Going for Charlie first (since she didn't need any help changing into her uniform and Ivy used her own alarm) she didn't give Y/N any work at all, waking up immediately after softly calling her name once. Picking her uniform from her closet and leaving it for her to change, Y/N left Charlie’s room to walk towards the next door.

"Morning, Anya." She whispered as she brushed some of her hair out of her face. Anya’s little nose scrunched up and a soft whimper left her mouth as she switched positions, now laying on her side, "gotta wake up, love." Y/N shook her arm softly, and she finally opened her eyes, a tired smile creeping up her face as she noticed it was Y/N sitting next to her. Y/N left her to rub the tiredness off her eyes while she picked her clothes (since her daycare was at the same school her older sister's attended -Harry's school, Y/N couldn't help but think- her uniform consisted of only a white t-shirt with the school logo along with any pair of bottoms she chose for the day.

After picking up her cute small rain boots and help her get dressed up, Y/N did a cute hairstyle on her with the small butterfly hair clips she chose, and went back to Charlie's room to do her hair, Anya coming along.

They arrived at their school; a big, period-like brick building with hundreds of students roaming around and a beautiful fountain at the front – which actually made Y/N’s childhood look like a big joke; the school she had attended was located in the middle of the mountains in a remote field.

"I'll be here at two thirty. Good luck, girls, I'll see you later." Ivy walked away sending a 'mhm' her way to let her know she heard her, and Charlie offered a small smile along with a wave and walked away like her sister. Y/N took Anya off her car seat and helped her get out of the car, her tiny backpack sitting on Y/N’s right shoulder as she grabbed the hand Anya offered her.

"Mommy said I have the penguins' classroom!" She said with excitement as they walked through the doors at the right wing of the building.

"That's so cool! I love penguins, let's search for the door which has penguins on it, shall we?" Y/N suggested even though she could clearly see their door at the end of the hallway.

"Yes! This one has elephants," she pointed at the door they were passing, "look, butterflies!"

"Like your hairclips!" Y/N exclaimed, and she giggled nodding her head. "Ah! Look what we found..." Y/N pointed at the next door.

"Penguins!" She skipped towards the door, dragging Y/N along. They entered the big and colorful classroom where they found some kids crying in their parent’s arms, others being as excited as Anya.

"Hi there! Anya, am I correct?" A woman who appeared to be around Y/N’s age came up to them, scrunching down to be on Anya’s eye level. She nodded frantically, excitement dripping from her smile. "My name is Miss Pia, I'm going to be your teacher this year." She introduced herself, Anya gave her an even bigger smile and slyly asked if she could go meet her classmates, to which Miss Pia agreed, asking her to first hang her small backpack in the rack at the back of the room, taking it from my hands and running excitedly to do it.

"You must be Y/N, then?" Miss Pia asked, getting back up to her feet. She was short with blonde curly hair sitting high in a ponytail, rosy cheeks and a cute teacher apron on top of her regular clothes.

"I am." Y/N offered her hand.

"The administration office said we would be having an Au Pair this year, they always give us a heads up with situations like these." She explained, and Y/N nodded as she continued, "we have the parents, nannies or in this case, Au Pairs," they both laughed," stay for the introduction, you can leave afterwards."

"Perfect, I'll sit at the back with the rest of the parents." Y/N ended up staying for about half an hour, smiling at Anya every time she turned to search for her when something exciting seemed to be happening. She won't be needing any adaptation, as Miss Pia said, and she was dismissed right before they had their first trip to the playground outside, taking advantage of the fact that it hadn't started raining yet.

Right when Y/N was walking out of the building, she spotted Harry at the main entrance, reading something on his phone. He was wearing a navy blue suit with a white shirt underneath, and he looked even more handsome in the daylight. She made her way towards him, walking up the marble stairs (marble stairs! In a school?), and when he noticed her, he put his phone away and slowly (and trying to be as discrete as possible – which he failed to, again) looked up and down her body. Something about him giving her his full attention made her insides burn, and she couldn’t help but bit her bottom lip to suppress a smile.

"Hi." She stopped in front of him, taking a moment to look at his eyes; they definitely looked a lot lighter now that there was natural light surrounding them.

"Hi." He repeated, "Dropped the girl's off?" He motioned towards the building with his head.

"Yes, just left Anya’s classroom." She shifted her weight from one foot to the other.

"Miss Pia?" He asked, squinting his eyes.

"Yes. She's nice, looks like she knows what she's doing." Y/N shrugged. She didn't exactly know her enough to have a conversation about her – and she most definitely couldn’t be one to talk, since she herself didn’t know what she was doing half of the time. “How’s the first day back been so far?” He got cut off from his next comment by his phone, and the small crease between his eyebrows grew deeper, which didn’t go unnoticed by Y/N. "I'll leave you to it." She announced, but his eyes found hers again, and it was almost like he was asking for her to not leave him to it, but Y/N didn’t trust her instincts, not with him – not when he made her so nervous her brain couldn’t process things around him, and she was scared of misreading his expressions; he was hard to read. Not like she was expert at reading people but he was frustratingly confusing.

They didn't see each other again until a week later on a Tuesday evening – the same day Charlie, Anya and her decided to go for a walk and treat themselves with ice cream from a cute shop across from (what had come to be) her favorite park, Harry and Y/N found each other's eyes across his front garden, just like that night, but this time it was easy for her to recognize him as she could see his face clear and glowing from the sunset shine. His eyes were glued to her until the fence that divided their houses blocked his view, and again, Y/N wondered what could be going through his head.

It wasn’t until after dinner, past her work hours, she decided to leave the house through the door on her room with the sparking curiosity to test if she would run into Harry. Stopping on the sidewalk in front of his house, she noticed he was not sitting outside, and even though that's exactly what she had expected -he was not going to sit there for hours and hours, right?- There still was a small feeling of disappointment that rushed through her, and when she snapped back into reality, it was too late to stop herself as she knocked on his front door.

And Y/N didn’t know where to hide – not like hiding would be less embarrassing but God she did hate herself that moment. The embarrassment running through her veins was painful and made her lightheaded – she knew she had trouble sometimes with not thinking things through, but this was beyond her. He barely knew her. And suddenly his door was wide open.

"Y/N?" Of course she was not lucky enough for him to be asleep and not hearing her knock – life would’ve been too in her favor for that to happen. Of course he was very awake with a half drank cup of tea in his hand and the softest looking pair of grey sweatpants hanging low on his hips. "Are you ok? You look really pale." His voice was calm, probably the softest it'd ever been in her presence. At least he doesn't sound mad, Y/N thought.

Harry wanted to be confused, but he was more curious than anything else. For some reason, he felt very intrigued by Y/N – how she seemed confident but insanely insecure at the same time; it reminded him of himself, if he had to be honest. He just learned how to hide the latter.

"Uh, yeah- um, I was-" she nervously turned around halfway to look behind her and back at him again. He raised his eyebrows in curiosity and Y/N really tried her hardest not to step over her words. "I was about to go for a walk, uh, I was wondering if you'd like to join me?" Stupid. So, so stupid, Y/N thought.

"No, I'm good." He replied, finding oh-so-amusing the way her eyes gave her embarrassment away – he was having fun, watching her like a lost puppy trying to think through her next words.

Her mind was, of course, over speeding. She now felt even more embarrassed. Of course he doesn't want to go for a walk, Y/N conscience spoke to her, it's a Tuesday night and he's probably tired and I'm his friends' Au Pair – he probably thinks I'm this young and annoying girl who has a stupid crush and- "would you like to join me?" He interrupted her self-beating up raising his cup and she noticed the half smile adorning his face, almost like he could tell the wheels in her brain were fast-moving.

"Wouldn't want to interrupt-"

"You're not. I wouldn't have invited you in if you were. C'mon in, now. It's kinda cold out here." He disappeared inside of his house, leaving her on his porch with an open mouth and a blank brain. After closing the door behind her and taking her black vans off, she turned on her left as she guessed that was the way Harry went – and she knew she’d guessed correctly when she stepped into a big open-plan concept living room with a giant kitchen on the far back, Harry standing with his back towards her preparing her tea, "sugar?"

"No, thank you." She sat in one of the stools at the kitchen island as she took the scene in front of her. Her very cute (and much older), very hot neighbor Harry, in sweatpants and a very thin white shirt, a small patch of skin showing on his hip, making her tea. His shoulders were broad and she could see his back muscles moving as he poured steaming hot water into the cup, the little curls on his neck so inviting, if only she could run her hand through his soft looking hair just once-

"There you go. Cardamom." He snapped her out of her (probably inappropriate) thoughts, and she thanked him as she grabbed the cup from where he placed it; he stayed in his position standing in front of her on the other side of the island, with his forearms against the cold marble, sipping on his own mug, thinking about how strange it felt to have someone he wasn’t close with sitting in his kitchen after so long. "Why are you up so late?"

"I couldn't sleep."

"I figured. I couldn't either, looks like we both have a bit of sleeping issues, huh?" He sounded playful, but tired. Y/N knew exactly how it felt, being so tired but not being able to peacefully go to bed and get some needed rest.

"I remember you mentioning it before, I figured I'd check if you were up. Walking helps me relax, thought maybe you'd enjoy it too." OK, that wasn't entirely true but her reasoning to be there was quite similar – to check if he was up so they could, maybe, share a quiet night like that one a few weeks ago. None of them understood why they found such comfort in each other’s company – none of them felt like they needed to try too hard.

At some point during their conversation they moved to the couch, where they laid with a wide gap between their bodies. "Elton John's was definitely an interesting read. Lots of crazy anecdotes, you should read it."

"Probably not as good as Keith's, but I'll give it a go." He let a dimpled smile creep into his face, turning his head to look at her from across the couch and the annoying turn her stomach made obliged her to return it, just as bright as his. Finding out their music taste was quite similar made Y/N’s insides all warm and fuzzy, he showed her his vinyl collection (which was quite large) and ranted about how the modern industry was missing a rock star with some of that unexplainable essence old rock bands have – to which she respond saying maybe that something that makes them special was the fact that they were old bands... added to the fact that even though she was an old music lover, modern pop was her guilty pleasure.

Their third teacups were long forgotten on the modern coffee table by the time he noticed Y/N’s eyes were slowly beginning to close and he, as last time, said, "it's really late." And Y/N only nodded and tiredly got up from her position, with him following close behind.

"Goodnight, Harry. Thank you for having me even though I came unannounced." She shyly said, her actions still making her embarrassed even though it had already been a couple of hours.

"My pleasure. We should- do this again," He coughed into his hand, and uncomfortably continued, "I enjoy your company." That sentence alone made her heart explode with a thousand emotions, because even though they barely knew each other and it clearly pained him to admit he enjoyed having her around, his presence made her calm but anxious in a peculiar mixture of emotions. All she did in return was gift him a big smile, face hot of embarrassment (a nice kind of embarrassment, that feeling when you just want to smile really big and tightly hug whoever is making you feel that way) and slowly pushed herself up on her tiptoes to give him a sweet kiss on the cheek. "Bye." He said lastly, and closed his front door with red cheeks and dimples on display.

- Joey.

#AP #harry styles writing #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles smut #age!gap harry #my writing

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astaroth1357 · 4 years

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The Obey Me Cast on a Camping Trip (Part Two: The Undateables)

This post is split in two due to length (I had too much fun again…) For the Brothers, please click HERE!

Intro:

Another day, another team building activity between the demons and the exchange students. It was Diavolo’s idea to go on a camping trip to the human world (because of course it was), and there were very… mixed responses. That sentiment wasn’t helped when he refused Lucifer’s insistent pleas to just purchase cabins for everyone to stay in. Oh no, the Demon Lord wanted to rough it out in the wilderness, and now everyone else was getting dragged along with him…

Wonder how that turned out?

Diavolo

He was soooo excited to get to experience camping! He had been asking the MC about human camping trips for about a week before making the announcement and he was pumped!!

Barbatos chauffeured him to the campsite in his own car (of course) but he insisted on taking every roadside, touristy stop they came across which doubled the drive time considerably…

He wanted to help everybody set up the camp but Barbatos and Lucifer were having none of it… So he took pictures and offered moral support instead! Good work everyone! 😁

He had his own tent about the size of a small house (ngl it took Barbs and Lucifer about a half hour to set the whole thing up). Barbs even somehow managed to pack a collapsible desk in there for him so he could still work… greeeat…. 🙄

Diavolo wanted to try everything. Literally everything. The man even traded his uniform out for full on outdoors gear, right down to one of those floppy fishing hats with the tackle stuck to it.

Politely insistently asks that Lucifer does things with him. The MC could come along as well (and in many cases Luci begs them to do so) but he wants to get some bonding time in with his best friend!

Unfortunately for Lucifer, Diavolo would get sidetracked quite a lot… Which is how he ended up having to physically steer his Lord out of harm's way more than once…

At one point while hiking, Diavolo was so distracted by taking pictures that he nearly walked right into the path of a passing bear and her cubs. Lucifer had to tackle him down into some bushes until they went away... His brothers teased him mercilessly when they heard about...

Dia also loved the camping food quite a bit. He's never gotten the chance to cook his own food before, even if it's just marshmallows over a fire, so it was all a brand new experience for him! S'mores are now declared a human world delicacy.

Man had the time of his life! He'd love to do it again, hell, maybe even make it a yearly event! (Few of the brothers share his sentiment, but hey, it pays to be King 😏)

Barbatos

If his Lord orders it, then he follows. He'll just have to double check that everyone is prepared for the occasion…

Drove Diavolo there with the patience of a saint (while also, like, being the exact opposite of that). Had it been anyone else in the car, they might have told him, "No, we can't stop for pictures of every moose you see," but Barbs is as accommodating as he is loyal.

It was pretty much all on his shoulders to direct the others when setting up camp. Lucifer would claim it was his, but let’s be completely honest here, Lucifer can't order Barbs to do shit.

Naturally, he had his own tent close to his Lord, more modest in comparison, but big enough to hold a majority of the belongings and gear Diavolo had requested.

He also managed to bring a almost fully functioning kitchen setup for him using magic, minus a working oven by Diavolo's instruction. If he wanted a heat source, he had to use the campfire and he found the challenge intriguing…

For once in his extended life, Barbs had to do some trial and error in the kitchen. As it would turn out, fireside cooking can be a little difficult to master, but by the end of the trip he could still somehow dish out four course meals without so much as a sweat (according to the MC the secret was tinfoil and cast-iron cookware… who knew?)

When he isn’t prepping their next meal (which let’s be honest, with Beel on the trip that’s a constant activity) he’s guarding the food from Beel and Solomon…

The sorcerer wanted to help, but Barbs has already learned the hard way that if he so much as pokes a dish its flavor is ruined… It’s enough to make him wonder if it was a curse laid on him at some point…

Watching Barbatos deny Solomon becomes a pretty funny routine in and of itself. He’s not above just smacking the man’s hand away with a wooden spoon if it gets too close. Barbs doesn’t play in his kitchen. Back off. 😠

Barbatos is happy with the trip so long as the young Lord enjoyed himself. If that’s the case, and it was, then he’d happily do it again if asked… not that he’d have much of a choice anyway.

Simeon

Simeon was familiar with the concept of camping, he’d written about it in his stories, but he’d never actually done it himself… He had hoped it'd be an interesting experience! And uh… it was that from the very start…

Purgatory Hall got its own car and Solomon was put in charge of driving… But no one mentioned that he drives like a complete maniac. Speed limits, stoplights, even the ROAD ITSELF be damned. Solomon drives in a straight line from point A to point B and if there’s anything in the way he’ll just use magic to get around it…

It’s safe to say that by the time he and the others got to the campsite (which was significantly quicker than the rest) the angels weren’t in the emotional state to pitch tents… He and Luke just waited for the others to catch up while praying and praising the solid ground beneath their feet…

He shared his tent with Luke and didn’t mind at all. It was probably for the best anyway because the little angel was scared of human world predators like bears and wolves coming for him in the night… Poor boy…

Simeon took to hiking quite a bit. Going out and exploring the area around the campsite made him feel invigorated! The forests were beautiful and it gave him ideas for a bit of a guilty pleasure he's been debating on writing, "The Tale of the Lonely Prince." 🤭

It was on one of those trips that Simeon discovered human world creatures love him. Pretty much all of the wildlife gravitates towards him like he's a Disney Princess.

At one point he came back to camp riding on a moose with birds chirping on his new friend's antlers. He offered to take the MC out for a ride, but the brothers threw a fit about it…

He WAS able to get a couple more wrangled for Diavolo, who naturally dragged Lucifer along (though he clearly didn't want to touch the thing).

The three ended up getting into a mooseback race because Diavolo wouldn't let Lucifer take the lead. He was glad to see Luci enjoy himself for a change! (It helped a lot that he won of course 🙄😏)

All and all, Simeon had a great time. Maybe he should ask the MC to show him more human places… But he's never getting in a car again. Pardon his language, but fuck those things!!!

Luke

He doesn't know what's worse… being out in the middle of nowhere with a bunch of demons or the absolute insanity that was the "drive" down… 😣

He spent the entirety of Solomon's Magical Ride of Nightmares clinging to Simeon or the armrests for dear life. He swore his entire life flashed before his eyes, can angels even have heart attacks???

Stayed right next to Simeon when they finally pulled themselves together enough to leave the car. He was so happy that Michael didn't see any of that… Who knew human transportation was so horrifying…???

His saving grace (literally) was getting to share his tent with Simeon… After Solomon told him that bears sometimes get curious and ransacked campsites, he clung onto the older angel like a protective charm.

...Whiiiich he wasn't too off about actually after he saw Simeon playing (yes PLAYING) with the human wildlife… Simeon had to introduce him to some of the nicer animals for him to eventually get over his fear and venture out past the campsite.

Luke loved to swim in the lake or river with MC and the others. The MC found a sturdy branch where they set up a rope swing and the little guy amused himself for hours!

Sometimes he'd watch Barbatos prep and cook using the campfire… He didn't even know you could make lasagna in a Dutch oven…

At one point the MC convinced him to go with them and the twins on a particularly long hike…

He got tired halfway through and Beel offered him a piggyback ride, but of course he'd NEVER let himself be that close to a demon!! (Just kidding, poor boy was so tired he climbed onto Beel's back and held on the a kola until they got back. Then he jumped off to save face)

He had a better time than he thought he would, but still doesn't want to go camping with demons ever again. (He and Simeon also begged Lucifer to drive them back instead of Solomon so the brothers' van was pretty much a clown car on the return trip).

Solomon

Solomon hasn't been camping (for enjoyment) in quite a while, so when the prospect came up to do it with the MC and the other students he was intrigued...

When Simeon asked he knew how to drive, he said yes. He knows how to start a car, put it into motion, steer, and then come to a stop. That's all driving is really. 🤷‍♀️ You can't blame him for not memorizing all the rules, he's been traveling by portal for decades!

Was pretty confused why his angel friends fled the car so quickly... He got them there in one piece, after all. 😕🤷‍♀️ He put up their tents himself since they were too busy thanking their father then made a magic barrier around the site for protection purposes.

He and the MC both have their own tents, of course his is enchanted to be a lot bigger on the inside than it is on the outside, but he's only let the MC in on that little secret in case they want to visit… 😏

When everyone else finally arrived, Solomon was happy to help the MC introduce the wonders of the human wilderness to their companions! Including the breathtaking vistas, beautiful flora, bitter temperatures, man-eating predators, waters filled with disease… Hm? Oh, Luke won't leave the tent now…? Whoopsie.

Solomon kept himself occupied on the trip the best way he knew how… relentless trolling (particularly of Asmo and Barbs because they're used to his shit).

He'd alternate between poking fun at Asmo for the almost ritual length routines he was going through to try and save his looks to genuinely trying to encourage him and downplay the severity of the downgrade...

Meanwhile he was bound and determined to serve at least one of his own dishes during the trip (but Barbatos had banned him from the "kitchen," the food tent, and even the spoons...)

Diavolo, nice guy that he is, eventually made Barbs relent and let Solomon cook for ONE night… It went as well as to be expected. (They sent Solomon to grab more supplies then everybody took turns washing their mouths out with lake water... Diavolo apologized profusely, he had no idea...).

Solomon was confused why the angels would rather squeeze themselves in with the brothers than ride with him back but he wasn’t upset about it. That meant he could make a few extra stops without anyone complaining! He knows a guy in New Orleans he’s been meaning to see again… Luke and Simeon can wait a little for their stuff, right?

Click HERE for Part One. Check out my Masterlist for more!

#obey me #obey me shall we date #shall-we-date-obey-me #obey me undateables #obey me diavolo #obey me barbatos #obey me simeon #obey me luke #obey me solomon #obey me headcanons #obey me scenarios #obey me imagines

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laufire · 3 years

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(CW for mentions of csa)

A lot of Commonly Accepted (Often Through Uncritical Repetition) Wisdom in fandom leaves me baffled, when not straight up ticked off, but one that's been on my mind lately, that never fails to bring a scrunched up expression to my face, is the idea that Bela Talbot's backstory was some last minute add-on to her character.

You might argue that the reveal was rushed since the writers caved in and killed her off against their original plan (or at the very least, earlier than). Or that using abuse is a trite way to raise sympathy for an antagonistic character. You could even say that some of the finer details might’ve not been set in stone until they sat down to write her exist, although that one is dubious. But I’m never really going to buy that Bela’s backstory hadn’t been already planned, likely in big part.

The reason why is Season Three Episode Six, “Red Sky At Morning”, Bela’s second episode, co-written by Eric Kripke himself. As all episodes with Bela were, may I add; which means he had a hand in crafting her story from the beginning, as creator, director, and writer.

There Dean, a character that has been shown as sharp and intuitive (although his success rate ain’t that great when it comes to Bela, admittedly xD), immediately pegs her as someone with Issues TM, asking “how did she get like this”. He even taunts her by referencing her father, showing off his talent to hit where it hurts by asking if he “didn’t give her enough hugs”, ‘cause he’s classy like that. This visibly affects Bela, changing her demeanor in their conversation, from more playful to defensive. Hell, I remember during my first watch in real time this moment, especially paired with the rest of the episode, was when I first thought it was possible she came from an abusive family.

Because, c’mon. This whole episode is about parricide. The monster of the week is a ghost who haunts those that “spilled their own family’s blood”. We get two other examples: a woman whose accidental car crash killed her cousin, and two brothers who killed their father for the inheritance. Clearly, the ghost doesn’t have a narrow criteria when it comes to means or culpability -which makes sense given his particular story: he was tried for treason and his brother, the captain of the ship, issued the sentence.

And just as we find out this information... Bela sees the ghost ship that foretells her death. This, paired with the insinuations about an unsavvory past and her discomfort at the mention of her father, aren’t a wealth of information, but they start to paint a picture. We now know for a fact that Bela caused the death of at least one relative (mom and dad); that she wouldn’t have needed to do it directly (she made a crossroads deal); and that she might’ve had a sympathetic motive (her father sexually abused her and her mother turned a blind eye).

That scene offers some more tidbits of information about her past that seem too in tune with 3x15 to be coincidental, and that absolutely break my heart: Bela’s “You wouldn’t understand. No one did.“ and “I’ll just do what I’ve always done. I’ll deal with it myself”. See, I always thought Bela must’ve told people, when she was a kid. That she reached out for help not just to her mother, but to everyone around her that she thought could’ve help: teachers, maybe even law enforcement; adults that should’ve being worthy of that trust and protected her. Except no one did (and the fact that her family seemed to be not only very rich but influential paints a very bleak picture that surely contributed to her cynic view of the world). So she took matters in her own hands, and sold her soul for ten years of relative safety and freedom from her abusers.

To tie it all up, her final scene in that episode offers some more moments that again, are very in line with her backstory. We see how she treats relationships as transactionals: she pays ten grand to the Winchesters for saving her life, like she paid with her soul. Dean, again, draws attention to her likely messed up past by calling her damaged, and she replies that “takes one to know one”. Terrible childhood, ammirite. The show wasn’t been subtle here: it’s telling us Bela has a terrible past, like the Winchesters do, but of a different kind that has resulted in a different kind of person. So yeah, I think all the facts were hinted at back in 3x06.

We could go even futher back and point out 3x03, Bela’s introduction. One of the very first things she says in the show, during her first face to face with Dean (a character that just condemned his soul to Hell), is “We’re all going to Hell, Dean. Might as well enjoy the ride”. Sure, it could be an incredibly fortuitous coincidence; as a writer, I’ve had those and they’re damn great. But it seems VERY lucky, and more likely to be a case of the kind premeditated, well-placed foreshadowing that Kripke excels at.

So, okay. I’ve established why I think Bela’s backstory wasn’t a spur of the moment decision. But why is there a notable narrative in fandom that it IS?

First thing first, I want to get something out of the way: you don’t have to like it even if it was planned ahead. I understand it’s a very thorny subject, and to make matters worse, it’s inherently tied to her death. You might even be fine with the what, but not with how it was dealt with (although personally, I appreciate that neither the abuse nor her death were shown onscreen. In fact, the worse violence we see Bela on the receiving end of in her run is Dean’s threats and manhandling, which seems like a very purposeful choice ngl. Even Gordon freaking Walker was gentler lmao).

But I do disagree with some extended fandom opinions on the topic, and I guess that’s what the post is about. For one, I don’t see how the show “condemned” or morally judged Bela in this scenario. If anything, they clearly wanted to make her sympathetic, AND they showed Dean as being in the wrong by robbing him of information. Dean’s opinion on Bela couldn’t count for shit, for once, because he didn’t have the full picture; because Bela had deemed him UNWORTHY of the full picture, and thus anything he had to say on her couldn’t be taken at face value (except this is Supernatural, so I guess this was a little too much to ask of some people?). I think saying that just because Bela died and went to Hell as a consequence of her deal, IN THE SAME SEASON the same happened to our co-lead, because the writers deemed her evil and irredeemable is simplistic at best, and the audience projecting their own feelings (or being unable to see past Dean’s) onto the writing.

All that said, to go back to the initial point of all of this xD: WHY does fandom seem to insist on viewing this narrative choice as some cheap last minute addition?

There might not be one explanation that fits all, but I have a few ideas. One is that, if this wasn’t planned for and hinted at from early on, some people might feel as if this “absolves” them of their previous (and disgustingly hateful and misoginistic) reactions to Bela. Others will see this as absolving Dean, and maybe even Sam to a lesser extent, for not helping her and for being callous towards her; if her tragic backstory was this artificial, rushed choice made by Those Writers, then Dean wasn’t responsible for reprehensible attitudes towards someone who deserved his compassion (and it can’t be denied that this fandom loves absolving Dean of responsibility lmao). And a lot people are probably only repeating what they've heard from others as the accepted narrative, especially those that didn't even watch all of s3 if at all (Castiel is my fave too, but seriously, s1-3 are worth it).

It’s like they’re creating this imaginary separation between Bela pre-reveal, and Bela post-reveal, to make the situation easier to themselves. See, Bela pre-reveal was this annoying bitch who inconvenienced and embarrassed our leads (not to mention dared have chemistry with them), and thus deserved to be punished for it; or, if we’re going with more modern fandom sensibilities, she can be made to fit into the shallow #GirlBoss mold, with a side of “Secretly A Lesbian And Therefore Not A Romantic Threat” flavour -the current preferred method to make controversial female characters more palatable.

The reveal throws a wrench into this narrative. “Bitch who deserves her comeuppance” is a hard sell when you’re talking about a character who survived csa. And a shallow #GirlBoss reading doesn’t work if you have to acknowledge that Bela was one of, if not the most tragic characters in the entire run of Supernatural.

She spent over half her life at the mercy of her abuser(s), hurt by those who should’ve loved her and protected her most. The rest of her life was extremely lonely, with seemingly only a cat as company, and a surface-level freedom that hid under the sentence that loomed over her head. She died without a single friend, or a simple show of kindness and compassion, without anyone bothering to fight for her. And then she ended up tortured for who knows how long until she became one of her torturers.

All of that is extremely difficult to digest. And when things are hard to swallow, people do as people do, and they try to simplify them. So, sure. Bela’s reveal wasn’t ever hinted at, it’s completely removed from her character and the person we met, and is not even worth trying to fit into the narrative. Sounds easy.

#talking to the void #my thoughts #spn thoughts #supernatural #bela talbot #bitter lau tag #fandom nonsense #spn 3x15 #spn 3x06 #spn s3

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elizabethsharmon · 4 years

Text

reblog if you feel disrespected by skam france and demand official apology

below a full list of all the offenses:

Manon going back to Ch*rbage after he emotionally manipulated her to not testify against his brother (who got her drunk, took nudes of her, and kept blackmailing her) because “after all nothing happened = he didn’t r*pe her”

Making Arthur and Alexia a couple in the first place just so he could cheat on her with Noee and lie to her for weeks and then having her break up with him, only for them to suddenly being good friends in s6 and kissing in the last clip (which ngl almost made me throw up)

Bringing up Lucas’ insecurities and abandonment issues but never letting him talk about them with Eliott; posting some damage control posts on instagram instead and pretending like Lucas is fine with Eliott kissing Lola for the film (which he clearly wasn’t, the writers seem to not know him at all)

Wasting time to edit Tiff’s head onto different animals and posting things on that cyberbullying account that no one cared about instead of posting something from the grew + the worst social media ever

Not giving us a proper goodbye to the grew and not really saying anything about their future

Lying to the fans about god knows what we will see in s6 and baiting them to watch even though legit nothing of it happened

Not continuing Arthur’s story in s6 (fine, I don’t really care about that but we were supposed to see it so ???? )

Treating some fans more privileged than the others, giving them spoilers about the new seasons, inviting them on set

FranceTV Slash and SkamLaSerie instas mocking fans in their stories - saying stuff like Lola will cause the break up between Daphne and Basile, “addiction can be useful for flirting” (yikes), creating a ship war between fans in s5 by posting two photos of Alexia/Arthur and Noee/Arthur with a caption “we love them both, we can’t choose”, the host of the live of s6 calling people on tumblr “obsessed” and not apologizing when people said they’re offended by that, blocking people who were asking questions about why the SA was never mentioned again during the live

Liking all the praise but constantly ignoring fans when they were asking questions about writing choices and then blocking them

the rest of 50 offenses under cut cause turns out they really disrespected me more than I thought

feel free to add whatever you want if i forgot about something

None of the girls really apologizing to Imane at the end of season 4 after all they’ve put her through and after they took the side of the racist (who already had a history of drama with Emma) instead of their friend

Taking away Noee’s integrity and making her say “I love you” out loud (which was totally ooc cause an episode earlier she said LSF is her language and she doesn’t like her voice) after Arthur (who was leading her on for weeks) told her they can’t be together

Male gaze in s5 because even though the sign language is a body language, the way camera was lingering on her flat, bare stomach, a few times showing a close up on her boobs during the “song-dance” scene was male gaze

Lack of beautiful, slow-mo, piano music scenes for Alexia with Arthur staring at her awestruck because apparently she’s not worthy enough

Completely sidelining the deaf/hoh storyline in favour of cheating/love triangle plot

Reducing Camille to a translator and randomly making him Mika’s boyfriend because why the hell not

Completely forgetting about Mika and Lisa after s5 (did they ever find that roommate????)

Noee kissing Arthur right after he shared his traumatic story with her and overshadowing domestic abuse with cheating

Absolutely no follow-up about P*trick and domestic abuse after s5

Having P*trick cheat on Arthur’s mom with Emma’s mom because they’re all one big family

Random crackfic farm episode that didn’t make absolutely ANY sense

Killing Fifi rip [*]

Arthur getting hit by The Car and being perfectly fine the next day

The Boy Squad becoming cheating apologists, Lucas giving Arthur the same advice he gave to Emma in s1 and Yann (who got hurt because of it back then) supporting it

Character regression, especially for Lucas, and the whole boy squad acting out of character

Continuously trying to make Lucas look like a bad guy because they knew we would forgive him everything

Arthur suddenly liking art even though it hasn’t been ever mentioned before and his whole instagram was filled with space related posts

Parallels between Eliott/Lucas and Arthur/Noee

Catherine - or lack of her - aka the queerbait from s3

Completely ignoring character’s birthdays - Basile and Manon (second year in a row)

Not introducing Lola before and making s6 about a complete stranger but still expecting the fans to like her from the get-go and watch the show by baiting the fans with the promise of “unofficial mains” (Daphne and Eliott)

Forcing the Lola/Eliott friendship and selling it in the promo as sister/brother relationship instead of writing it in a way that would make it flow naturally

Making Eliott Otteli Urbex King only to forget the plot after more or less three clips; also having Eliott hide the truth from Lucas for months and then pretending to resolve it in a text to Lola ??? which didn’t make sense in the first place but then it turned out that it was just damage control

Making Lola hook up with much older guys than her over and over again and having one of them s*xually assault just so Eliott could play the hero and save her; never bringing that up again

Making Eliott punch people left and right - anything to protect the ladies, Sofiane punching Ch*rbage in s4 can agree I guess

Letting Eliott talk about his past and insecurities only so Lola could prey on them later and emotionally manipulate him into drinking

Also Eliott not letting Lola apologize and brushing off her apologies because apparently that was nothing at all and it’s okay to let people walk you over and manipulate you

Not letting Lucas speak for himself

The whole Lux & Obscurus plot, having Eliott write the film about his and Lucas’ relationship and what his love means to Eliott only to have Lola play in it, not adjusting the script so that it would fit the change and still keeping the Eliott/Lola kiss as a big fuck you to the fandom instead of having it end with a forehead touch and fade to black especially that they haven’t even showed it to us again during the screening of Eliott’s film (but it made all the other couples turned on enough to kiss in that exact moment so maybe it had a purpose) (it didn’t what the fuck was that)

Also acting like Lucas can’t spare a few hours to film it with Eliott cause he has to sTuDy FoR tHe BaC when they were filming it in the middle of a night on Friday, how is that realistic

Not giving Eliott any friends of his own and pretending like he’s a lone wolf even though he’s the biggest sunshine ever and he’s naturally drawn to people; acting like there are no other studens at his film school who could help him film his project so instead he let Lola find random people who knew nothing about filming to help him; having a bunch of random people at the screening of his film and if they were supposed to be his “friends” from the film school then I’m gonna throw hands

Acting like we will see what “minute by minute” really means and “see Eliott like we’ve never seen him before” which never happened

Switching POV for two clips only and they all revolved around Lola because they decided to go with su*cide attempt in episode 9

Also ending that episode with a su*cide note even though the next clip was before midnight on Friday

Giving Lola the worst therapist ever and a really poor attempt at cheering her up from the nurse

Enforcing that “having a loved one” is “the real reason to change” instead of sending the message that you should change for yourself first and foremost and showing that reaching out for professional help is a good thing and can really help you

Acting like ED can be cured by italian cuisine and not mentioning it again for weeks; having Daphne ask Lola not to go to rehab because they have each other and a few clips after that she’s suddenly after her first therapy (love that for her but there’s something huge missing here)

Making Lola’s life a living hell and a misery porn for 10 weeks straight

Making P*trick, Thierry and Lola’s biological dads The Worst (men are trash but it would be nice to see some good parenting on the show)

Giving all the members of La Mif two or three personality traits and not fleshing out their characters

Giving Maya a girlfriend because a season without a love triangle is a waste

Not really developing Mayla well and having their first kiss right after Eliott/Lola cursed kiss as a preemptive damage control to shut us up

Never mentioning why Lola was doing

Wasting a good chunk of the season on Tiff and that insta account and ending it with “she’s addicted to social media”

Giving Yann like one line each season after s3

Reducing Sofiane to the background dancer in s5 and s6

Hating female characters

F/M friendships are only possible if the guy is gay, otherwise cheating always had to be involved

and you know. in general. pretty much everything they did after s3.

#skam france #skamfr

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maerenee930 · 3 years

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random thoughts/rambling.

i don’t expect anyone to read this rambling nonsense and mess. i just need to get some thoughts and feelings out.

please feel free to keep scrolling.

just a head up, i’m kinda talking about my mental state and just not necessarily low self esteem, just- feeling not great.

tw/cw: i do mention self harm. but i’m not talking about harming myself. i just mention it and wanted to say something because i completely realize not having a warning can be very triggering.

for a little over a week now, i’ve tried to write something like this over and over again. and every time i do or start to, i stop myself. i put it in my drafts and when i go back to finish it and reread what i wrote i delete it. i worry about what anyone would think reading what i’ve been thinking about and how i’ve been feeling. i’m really worried that this is just going to look like i trying to get attention. 😣😓 and i’m worried that i’m gonna annoy everyone and look like this hugely pathetic and over emotional baby. i’m worried that this is coming off as that i’m doing this so someone will pity me.

that’s not my intention at all. i’m not looking for sympathy or pity. i’m not looking for someone to comfort me. i’m not looking for attention. i just need to get some thoughts and feelings out.

and i’m having a really hard time bringing myself to write all of this in my journal. it’s like seeing everything i’m feeling written down, it just hurts more. i completely realize that doesn’t make sense and i’m sorry it doesn’t. it’s like seeing that i wrote all of that down and seeing my feelings written down just messes with me mentally and emotionally and makes me feel worse about myself. idk how else to explain it. i’m so sorry 😓

so, now that i’ve rambled enough as it is…

you ever have those days where even though you love yourself so much, you feel so proud of who you are and the person you’ve become, that you feel unlovable? like just very unwanted and unlovable.

like you’re not just content with who you are, what you look like and who you’ve become and despite the low mental and emotional days, you do truly, honestly and genuinely love yourself. you recognize and understand your flaws, try to be objective and want to learn and grow from them. you realize that you don’t see yourself the way others do and you’ve accepted that you probably won’t.

not in a pessimistic way, you just know that you’re not supposed to see yourself the way others do. that’s what makes each relationship (platonic or romantic) so unique. you try to work on how you see yourself and learn how to love you. but know you’re not working on yourself to see you the way others do, you’re doing it to just see yourself in a different light and learn to give yourself the love you’re more than deserving and worthy of 🖤

but despite all of that, i feel unlovable and unwanted. i don’t understand how i can love myself and at the same time feel unlovable and unwanted. it just doesn’t make sense to me. idk, maybe it’s just me feeling lonely and it’s getting to me. just lately, with the exception of like a few people who have been kind enough to reassure me and remind me that i am loved and wanted, i feel like i’m in everyone’s way.

i feel like i’m annoying everyone and everyone would be so much better off if i just took a step back and left everyone alone. i feel like everyone would be better off without me.

please know that i’m not talking about harming myself. i just mean like if i physically left. like packed up my stuff and just left. idk where i’d go but just go somewhere. you know?

i don’t feel like i’m important or special to anyone.

i told my mom not even a half an hour ago that idk how to convey all of this to anyone else without feeling like i sound stupid. idk how to ask people to reassure me that they want me in their life without asking. cause to me, that’s super annoying, obnoxious and stupid of me to even want to do that.

i just feel like a fucking mess 😅🤦‍♀️

i realize btw, there are people who like me and care about me. and i fully realize and know that these thoughts and feelings aren’t facts. i just- i just don’t feel wanted by anyone right now. i feel like i’m this big annoyance and just feel like everyone wants me to leave them alone or wishes i would be quiet and not bother them. i feel like i’m not lovable.

and there have been some things this past week that have partly made me feel this way. and i finally started my period so i understand that’s not helping anything. but… idk… this is just how i’m feeling right now. and i really needed to get it out.

i’m not expecting this to make any sense to anyone. i’m not even expecting anyone to actually read this, tbh. but i just need to feel like i’ve had my feelings heard even if no one reads this. it’s just literally to make myself feel better.

i’m sorry for how all of this sounds and i sincerely apologize for how whiny i sound. i’m ngl, i’m embarrassed about feeling like this. and i’m annoyed with myself for sounding and being so needy right now. 😣🤦‍♀️😓

i feel like i have more i want to say, but all of it is just kind of bouncing around on my head with a million other thoughts and it’s a jumbled mess.

i’m so so sorry. i just am really very sorry for putting all of this on here and for how i’m coming off or across.

thank you to anyone who had read all of this. it means more than you can even begin to imagine 💙🖤

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lizparkcr · 3 years

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ok so im trying to avoid having emotions about the shitshow that is the local elections so i dont yknow breakdown and ive been meaning to make a post for ages abt muriel’s route i have so many thoughts. obvious spoilers ahead not that i have more than like 2 followers who play arcana game

firstly....i was kinda underwhelmed with the second half/ending of his route. disclaimer i haven’t replayed it and haven’t got the reversed ending, only upright, and my memory sucks and i played it a while ago. SO, things that I....don’t understand:

1. SUCH a massive deal is made out of muriel (and MC) having to learn to fight, the plot literally hinges on it, only for it to swing off the plot all together into oblivion and for the final showdown to be....a series of literal games.* And I wouldn’t disagree with this as an ending tbh!!!! I think it’s fucking great actually -- a non-violent resolution to further signify Muriel’s journey from violence and isolation to peace and fun and family, and tbh sort of a massive fuck you to lucio; LITERALLY RETURNING to the coliseum only to BEAT Lucio WITHOUT returning to the violence that lucio forced on him, turning it into a place of actual joy. Like fuck!! BUT with the whole first part it just doesn’t fucking fit lmao? Muriel could have faced his demons in the beginning without learning to fight at all, he still could have had that journey. Morga could have just traveled with them right? Or even better he could have refused to fight and then the ending would have been even better. We could have had a moment of Morga acknowledging their strength??? Acknowledging their non-violent victory WITH PRIDE??? Bringing her to reflect on her choices as a mother and a leader??? Devs why couldn’t we have had that :( I may be remembering wrong but the apparent necessity of Morga teaching them to fight is the biggest source of tension for at least a book. It’s the reason for his first kiss with the MC! Also yeah speaking of tension with Morga

2. SUCH a big deal is made out of morga becoming/reflecting as (?) a mother figure to muriel (which in itself is a very bold way to go story-wise)....only for her to be killed off. Again, I don’t disagree with this decision, I like her but story-wise it could fit. But I can’t help feel like it was really premature. This is something I feel all routes suffer from, and perhaps I am expecting too much from a game that can be played for free very easily, but every single route has pacing problems, none more than Muriel’s imo. Considering the maternal aspect of Morga (for both her and Muriel!) is sooooo fucking loaded and intense like, you cannot drop that and then kill her and not really mention her for the rest of the story. Her “ghost” made an appearance sometime later and a few sentences were said and that was it. Her and Muriel’s past was so brushed over and idk clearly they didn’t have the time or money or whatever to develop it which is a real shame. Their journeys could have run parallel or gone in opposite directions literally anything but Morga dying in a moment of weakness from a cheap trick by lucio :/ bc YEAH like that was not actually weakness but certainly what morga considers weakness!!! that mistake could have split her away from muriel+MC entirely OR brought them closer together. she could have been disgusted with herself and decided once and for all to let go of lucio as a son and go her own way to destroy him, or she could have woken up to what she can do differently now and work with Muriel and co and let go of lucio that way. idk man it was just a waste

Right then....onto the romance. or. lack of :( this is completely subjective, I know some people were v happy with it but like, this could not have been a drier route and im so fucking sad about it. There were definitely some sweet moments, but that was sort of it for me. I get what they were going for, but it’s personally sad to me that Muriel’s contentedness seems to have come at the expense of sensual intimacy/tension. like there was just absolutely no spice whatsoever. I saw someone describe the MC relationship as basically platonic and...yeah. Very little intimacy that wasn’t like, cuddling or holding hands, which since there wasn’t much to build on anyway just came across as nice but unexciting. It felt like it became too easy and too normal too quickly? Naturally touch was such a precious and important thing in the beginning as Muriel was learning to trust, but that just did not get explored imo. The first kiss wasn’t...the worst, but it was sort of OOC to me. They could have got so deep with that first kiss -- the opportunity, the trust, the choice. “Happy accident” scenarios can be great and definitely could have worked for his story, but for the first kiss i was like oh ok we’re here now?? and..muriel’s ok with that considering we were just uhh sobbing about his forced servitude and violence?? idk how i haven’t mentioned it yet but the way the tone was all over the fucking shop in that book gave me serious whiplash. Anyway it’s so disappointing bc c’monnnnn this whole relationship is brand new to BOTH mc and muriel. At the start every touch is a small turning point and i think they did that so well, you feel excited at the development and where it will go, but then it’s like “ok well we’re together now so everything is easy and breezy”. you can create emotional tension (the good kind) through touch EVEN if they’re both ace. which the MC is not bc its the self insert character so. yeah. i feel like im probably being a bit harsh in retrospect but this is what has stuck with me.

This leads me to Muriel himself, and what to me was the biggest opportunity to do blow everyone’s minds bc he was SUCH a mystery before his route. Dark and brooding but shy and caring, anti-social through anxiety and fear but lonely, his reluctant but consistent support of Asra and his friends. And that was all teased in the beginning! ....and then completely fell flat. Similar to my first point: they had some deep emotional development going, Muriel literally coming face to face with the past he never knew, and the past he wishes he could forget, learning to actually be around people, learning to trust people (and ngl i fucking loved the beginning stages with MC so much), and overcoming his anxiety and pessimism. He and MC literally travel together alone for weeks. WEEKS! And much of that is skipped by. We have big emotional scenes but not much in between. And then...and yknow im not sure where it changes...after khamgalai dies? (and dont get me started on that what the fuck was the point of THAT?) after MC goes to the arcane realms? I can’t remember but at some point it’s like...all tension is gone lmao. Including tension between MC and Muriel, and he becomes quite two dimensional. It was just rushed. Vesuvia is in ruins, Nadia and co chased out of the palace, Lucio taking control etc but like...it doesn’t feel like it matters? Im really not saying that his route has to be all doom and gloom at all but don’t MAKE it doom and gloom and then do a 180 yknow? I remember Julian’s route in particular being so fucking tense, even though I knew I got the upright ending, that dinner scene was...phew. (and i do get that naturally the first 3 routes are bound to be a more exciting experience bc i was less familiar w the game etc but still, there was just 0 tension).

im not even gonna talk about the MC’s past reveal bc i have issues with it in every route so whatever

so yeah i love muriel and i still like the arcana but it’s writing and pacing is just so inconsistent and it makes me sad. I will continue to fanon Muriel’s route to death.

*It’s occurred to me that the reversed ending may be more violent and actually fit with where the story seemed to be going in the start, but I stand by the opinion that it doesn’t matter because it still doesn’t make sense. I shouldn’t have to play the reverse ending to be like “oh ok that was the point of that” bc it should make sense and serve purpose in both endings, which i dont think it does.

#im absolutely not taggin this bc i dont want to be percieved by the devs lol #or muriel stans who love his route #these are just my onions #i really wanna replay asra's route tbh his was the best #i want that reversed CG so bad but dont wanna die for it #the arcana #this post is really long but it's 1:43am that's just how it is sometimes

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1358456 · 4 years

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Review Response, Sep 27 - Oct 3, 2020

Now that I’m stable once more... weekly response time. I think there are at most 3 responses left.

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Heart #007

1) Hey! Really liked this story. One of your better fics imo. I saw your tumblr post today and I know it's really late but I'd like to thank you for providing me with plenty of entertainment and emotions over this summer. I hadn't found your page until this quarantine and Special Events was the first fanfic I've ever read. You really got me back into Pokespe after a few years of forgetting about it and ngl I teared up a bit after I saw your tumblr post. I just want to let you know that you've really left a mark on many people's lives with your writing even if it's just a fan-fiction and I don't think I'll forget these works for years to come.

Thank you. It means a lot to me to hear that :)

Well, the last chapter is no longer tied for the absolute worst. It’s now second worst.

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Destiny #031

1) This is still Mel, I just got the genius idea to actually create an account since I use so much. Anyways, I just- wow. That is so depressing. I still can’t properly think about what happened to Y, because it’s just so much... but I’m glad she’s still the same. Sort of. Personality wise, I mean. After she’d resurrected I was afraid she was a completely different person, tainted. But this meeting with Blue made me realize that she’s still a kind girl, but come to think of it I’m not sure if that’s a good thing. She would suffer more that way, no? Or would it be worse to be a shell of the person you were? It’s a tough question. I don’t think I can answer it. As for X, I am not excitedly anticipating his meeting with Y. That’s a lot of angst right there. But I’m still hoping for a happy ending? Or at least as happy as an ending it can get. I’m sure it’s possible. Although, maybe you’ll pull another alternate ending and that’ll technically count as a “happy ending”, just that it’s not the true one, haha. Would X kill her on the spot? Would Y kill *him*? Will he still be brainwashed at that point? There are so many outcomes, so many possibilities. And I thought it was sweet, the moment with Blue and Dia. I can imagine them being great comrades. Especially since he was so physically affectionate towards her and that’s exactly what Blue needed. It’s also great that she’s made yet another connection! I can’t wait for her to be acquaintances with all her juniors! She won’t be so lonely then when she has so many friends and that’s all you can really hope for Blue :’). That and the possibility between her and Red (*wink, wink*). There were some mighty big hints in this chapter, will anything come of it? Perhaps Red is too dense for any of those things (how is it possible that a person can be so dense?). I’m more of a specialshipping person, but that ship is a mixed bag (they all are tbh), and this between Red and Blue is really sweet. Also, poor Surge lmao. Just wanted a cozy tent, but here comes three scary ass women and an unconscious squirt who kick him out into the cold. Life just isn’t fair for old Surge, is it. I sincerely hope you are doing well. Love, Mel

Hmm. Would X and Y get a happy ending? ... Maybe? Happy-ish?

Hehe. Red & Blue... Ohoho! More hints coming as the pairing shift fully transitions. ... Which of course, spells disaster for a certain blonde girl, but... ehn. Hehe.

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Destiny #032

1) Haha, those alternate lines at the end were funny, but that didn’t do much to lift my mood. Dammit, I knew I would get this reunion and I was right. How could I have thought there was any chance of a happy ending? ‘Cause there is no way this is a happy ending despite it ending without X and Y murdering each other! I honestly don’t know what I expected. A tender moment between the two? Forgiveness and peaceful moving on? Wtf? There are too many bitter feelings, and there isn’t really a way that Y can move on peacefully with the whole deterioration thing. But anyways yeah, definitely not happy. I suppose the whole “live and be happy” can be taken as a good thing, but in all honesty we all know deep down that X won’t live that way. Who would be able to move on after *that*? He loved her! She blamed him (Justifiably, but in the end it truly wasn’t his fault. I mean she was being hypocritical “I will always go after you, but I’m blaming you, because you went after me.”? He was concerned? Can anyone help it? Even if in the past it was the cause of a bigger problem?). It’s just not plausible. There’s truly something noble and amazing in moving on and living, but there are some times that dying is sort of the right thing to do? I dunno how to explain it, and it’s honestly a rare occurrence. I don’t want to romanticize suicide or dying or anything, but it’s not a cowardly thing in certain circumstances. X wouldn’t be living if he stayed alive. Anyways, that’s all I can really say besides, hot fucking damn. When I read the similarity in this fight scene and the first one between X, Y, and the Mega Hunter, I couldn’t help but remember a happier time. Well, I use happier hesitantly, ‘cause it wasn’t exactly “happy” per se, but it was certainly a *better* situation than this one. Y was still underestimating her value to X, but it still wasn’t such a hopeless situation. If only the damn boy had confessed. Maybe things wouldn’t have gone so downhill.

“It’s just a flesh wound.”

Dying is sort of the right thing to do? Well, human emotions are absolutely irrelevant to being right or wrong, so dying just because a lot of sh*t is happening is by no means “right”. It’s times like this I really wish I was able to put in a lot of my thoughts into my writing and stories. But I’m not a professional writer by any means, so I can’t quite cram in specific themes into the plot and story without making it far too obvious.

Poor X and Y, eh? There was never quite a happy time for them. ... Well, not in this story, anyways. According to the Legacy spoiler post, they do get a very happy ending in the good ending. So... they get to be very happy together... in another story. Hahaha.

Well, there are now 11 Destiny chapters left for you, and 3 weeks left. Do you think it’s possible to finish before I disconnect my FF.net account? I would’ve really liked to see you move on to SA afterwards (you would probably like that story a lot more too), but I simply don’t have the time for that anymore...

#qna

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secludedmoonnn · 4 years

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It’s been a while since I’ve written anything on here. I haven’t been doing the greatest mentally. I try to keep my mood and attitude up the best I can, but it just seems that every attempt lately has been failing. (I have a feeling that it has to do with the fact that I’m getting my period in less than a week lol). Every time I wake up, I’m sad, and I have to fight off the tears that want to come out. I don’t want to cry anymore. I cry so much. I haven’t cried this much since I was living with Marissa, and that was simply because I felt lonely and was unhappy with my living arrangements and just overall life. But you came into my life right as I got out of that shitty part of my life. And idk if that was such a good idea to have you come in so fast after, but you have no idea what this past year has meant to me. I have never felt such happiness and love before in my life. I have never felt loved like that and I think that’s why this hurts so fucking bad. No one has ever truly loved me the way you did. Unconditionally. And idk what happened. To be told lies and then to be told you’re not sure if you’re in love with me anymore. I don’t get why you couldn’t come to me. It still frustrates me. This whole situation, everything, makes me so mad. Why did this happen? Why does everything work out in the way where I’m the one left alone and hurting? Why is everything unfair to me? Why can’t one goddamn thing in my life work out the way I want it to? Why can’t a single fucking person be honest with me? I just wish that I could close off my heart to people, but I just can’t. No matter how hard I try to, I always end up having my heart completely open and vulnerable to everyone. Idk how not to. Idk how to not let things affect me. I have always been this way. Because everything matters to me. The way people treat me or others matters. What people say or do to me, matters. Idk how to not let it affect me when it has to do with the people I love and care about. Idk why you couldn’t see that. Or at least come talk to me about something you were genuinely concerned about. Idk why you couldn’t talk to me about something like that, ESPECIALLY if you claimed to care about me and love me. Regardless if you weren’t sure what you were feeling and you got scared. I was always there for you. Always ready to let you open yourself up to me, but you just couldn’t do it. And tbh, that is extremely fucking selfish of you. Considering we were in a serious relationship. Something I wanted to have for the rest of my life. I was ready to fight and to work for it at any given moment if need be. But you weren’t. You didn’t want to fight. You just backed yourself into a corner with these thoughts and feelings and it just kept becoming more and more until the point where you felt trapped and like there was nothing else that you could do. And that was fucking selfish. When you’re in a relationship, your feelings become our feelings and vice versa. And we talk it out. It can be fucking terrifying, but everything worth something, isn’t easy. It takes guts, and it takes work and it takes determination. It takes so much more than it leads on to be. And I was more than willing to do all the work and more. But you just weren’t, and it fucking sucks. It sucks to feel like I was the only one who cared about our relationship, that cared about how we both felt. And I hate feeling that way. I know you cared about me, but you didn’t care enough. You didn’t care enough about us. You didn’t care enough and it sucks babe. It sucks so fucking much, and I don’t know how to cope with that. I clearly viewed you and our relationship in a different light than you viewed me and our relationship. It sucks to know that I truly didn’t know a fucking thing about you in that sense. And it hurts like hell. Especially to know that you just couldn’t break down those walls and talk to me. The person who was always there no matter what. And it sucks. It sucks so much.

And I hate missing you as much as I do. I hate that no matter what, you always creep into my thoughts. You don’t cross my mind, you live there. And I can’t even escape you in my sleep. I’ve been having consistent dreams of you this past week. All different play-throughs of our breakup or relationship. Last night, idk where we were, but we weren’t at either of our homes and you broke up with me, but before you left, we were with other people and you fell asleep on my shoulder and we just had a really sweet moment. It felt very intimate and just nice. Then when you realized what you were doing, you got all flustered and said you can’t do that and that you needed to leave, but I was stuck wherever I was (somehow 4 hours away from home), and you said you’d drive me, but we would have to be stuck in the car with each other for hours after we broke up and that I just wouldn’t want that. And then you left me. But it jumped to another part of the dream and we were walking somewhere to sit down, and I pretty much just asked you the questions I wanted to know. Like how much time do you need, are you going to hold up on your end of the pact, and so many other things too. And I sadly never got any answers. I never got anything. Just like in real life. And then I woke up. And I just spent an hour crying. I couldn’t stop myself. I have cried so much the past few days. I try not to, but idk why but I just have an anxious feeling/cloud that just looms over my heart and I can’t seem to make it go away. Sometimes I fight it off and anytime I start to feel the anxiety start up and you push yourself into my thoughts, I try to ignore it. I try to push it down, because I’m just over crying. I’m over crying over you, over this situation, over the love that I may never get back. I wish I could just throw away my feelings. I wish it was something I could easily move past. But I can’t and it isn’t. Love is never easy. Especially when that love leaves you out of nowhere. When you didn’t have a fucking clue. And it sucks. And so sometimes I just cry, because there’s nothing else that I can do. But just feel. And I feel so goddamn much.

I’ve realized this week though, how depressed I have gotten. I’ve eaten so much fast food it isn’t even funny and I’m barely not stoned. Which I mean nothing out of the regular from before, but I’m using it as an escape now. And I don’t want that. I’m going to try and be more aware of how I’m using it and why. I don’t want to fall into that spiral again. So I’m going to try and focus on doing my chores/ responsibilities before I let myself indulge like that. Ngl, I got my notebook to find a page I can write on to make a list of everything I need to do, and I came across the fish that you drew to show me the picture you drew that your mom got tattooed on her, and I just felt a wave of sadness again. You are so intertwined into every part of me and my life. Even though you aren’t here. Even though we don’t talk anymore. And this feeling really sucks. Because I want nothing more than for you to be here. For us to be able to to talk about things. And it sucks because I know that isn’t possible, and it sucks because I keep being reminded of you no matter what it is that I am doing. You are there. You are always with me. Your memory, your presence. It just follows me like a ghost. I wish this was something I could easily move on from but I can’t. My heart is too big and it cares too much about everything. Especially when it comes to you.

I’ve been hurting so much lately. And I wish I wasn’t, but I can’t stop the inevitable. I just want it to stop. I just want my heart to heal from this. But I know it can’t be done so easily. And it is going to take a lot of time, a lot of work and a lot of dedication and determination. But I know I will get there, eventually. I will be okay, even if I feel far from it right now. I’m going to get through this extremely rough patch in my life. I will do it because I deserve it. And I deserve to be happy again. I deserve a life that isn’t filled with such sadness. And I will do it of my own volition.

I’ve been really sad this week and it sucks. But I hope you are doing okay. I hope that you’re getting through your emotions and feelings and whatever else life may be throwing at you for the time being. I wish I could be there for you, as like I’ve mentioned before, I still care immensely about you, and I am an extremely caring person by nature. I hope that one day, our paths will cross again, and maybe we will have enough courage to try again.

#sad #real fucking sad #but I’ll be okay #i will get through these tough emotions #dreams #heartbreak #scared #life #everything sucks right now #i miss you #i hope you’re well #personal #june 10th #2020 #journal #do not reblog

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recordmcqueen · 4 years

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when ppl ask me why im anxious

sorry i just have a lot going on n i kinda need to vent

uhh trigger warning for a bunch of stuff? dont bother reading but if u are gonna click then just beware

this education system freaking sucks theres like 13h till school is supposed to start but i havent heard a peep from either of my teachers so uhhhh lmao what the heck wHAT IS GOING ON SOMEONE TELL ME SOMETHING PLS HHHHHH

ive been swinging between feeling bitter and spiteful and just plain sad cause heck i cant stop feeling lonely like ive basically limited myself to tumblr to avoid certain toxic individuals but even here its just so dead n lonely and i feel awful for underappreciating the people who are here for me on this hecksite but god a hyperfixation is a hyperfixation and ngl im kinda miserable :’)) not to be “not like other X” but fr theres a thousand ways i fail to relate from timezones to socmed platforms to talents and just hhhhhh yeah ive had way too much drama and bad experiences and i kinda wanna move but i also feel guilty again for underappreciating the ppl who Do support me and im just perpetually torn between wanting to feel accepted and wanting to just break away from All of Them and hhhhhh it just plagues my mind and wont go away :’))

the weight loss is so confusing and stressful cause i just end up feeling bloated and everything feels out of proportion and im so tiredddd all the time and just hhhh i want my body to look normal and my clothes to fit the way they used to :’))

university applications are coming up real soon and idfk what im doing like ye im pre sure im going into psych but god is it even worth it?? and then whereeeee do i apply like hhhhhhhhhh

cause like my dad is anxious as i am abt where to work hes got a job in bc which he loves but he just got an offer in ontario which is like TORONTO!!! but like uni there is so expensive and he really does like his bc job but the perks of being based in ontario like also cause all the social life is there?? hhhhhhhhh and hes constantly debating it and asking for our advice and man u know im indecisive hhhhhh

im always irritable and annoyed and ive been sleep-deprived for this past week and gosh look at school tomorrow :’))) it just gets so overwhelming ahahahaha

not to mention the depressive episode i had a few weeks ago we went to the doctor n talked abt it n the lab results should be in soon but oh gosh those episodes mess me up so bad like my train of thought is effed up and this time was even worse than the first cause this time i was at home and had access to a blade so ofc i just went for it but what iff next time (is there even gonna be a next time?? like i thought it was a one time thing but then it happened again and im???) and im scared ill be in an even riskier position hhhhhh i dont Want to hurt myself but,,,i also kinda wanna do?

i keep having thoughts of not deserving life and just how my presence isnt worth much to other ppl and how i end up hurting the ppl who Do care and just being hurt over and over but gaslit every time so ofc i end up feeling like every bad thing that happens to me is inherently my fault and god im so tired im so tired of having to reach out every time in attempts to communicate and make rationality of whatever mess my headspace is hhhh and im not a good enough student or friend or fan or Anything at least ill be good dead???

im not actively trying to hurt myself most of the time but its just that lingering feeling of wanting to go to sleep and not wake up and every moment of happiness is so Fleeting and dont get me wrong im doing Better but Better is still Bad so :’))))

on top of that i feel god awful for neglecting people who care abt me all while continuing to complain about being lonely lotus i am so sorry i barely check whatsapp idk why i just dont have the energy but you deserve better than that :’))

and ofc being surrounded by hypocrisy gets real draining so ahahahahahaha

therapy is $$$ but venting to tumblr under a readmore?? free real estate binches

#allya squawks #allya vents #ignore me pls #im just trying to make sense of my braincells #:'))#im trying okay #god its hard

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dio-roga · 5 years

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After years of stalling, this is finally seeing the light of day and thank actual jesus for that. There’s more fic out there than you’d think for the best boys, but like all things, sturgeon's law’s in effect when it comes to quality (big time actually, around 35 fics on this list from a rough 350 in existence). I read them all so you don’t have to.

Higher rank the better (though obviously YMMV) and the rest should just be ordered by word count. I have a place in my heart for everything on this list so no matter where it is or what I say about it, trust me, if it’s here, I think it’s worth your time.

Will do my best to keep things up to date. I F5 tabs like you wouldn’t believe. Love you guys ❤

[SSS RANK] ABSOLUTE TOP SHELF

ego, opinion, art & commerce 24parts

We hopefully all know it, we certainly all love it. The canon-compliant, rock-band road-trip AU that’s destined to rule the entire ship one day; the cryde child of prophecy. Go in hard and this’ll take you away like nothing else. The only thing not absolutely perfect about this fic is (like the rest of us) you’ll have to wait for the ending. I know waiting sucks, but please don’t let it stop you bingeing this story right now. I am not exaggerating when I say it’s better than most published books you’ll ever read.

let your heart hold fast niente

Literally the best finished cryde fic ever written as of time of writing this. The boys have grown up. Clyde’s a writer, Craig’s distant, and familiar circumstances bring them crashing back together. The cast of characters are a complete joy, it’s fully drenched in canon, and sports an amazingly rich post-series lore with all manner of cute nods and easter eggs for fans of the show. Nothing short of a masterpiece. Written with such love. Treasure your first read of it.

[SS RANK] AMAZING READS GAURANTEED

Pulling Mussels SekritOMG

A divisive fic maybe, but a classic all the same. Get ready for a fresh take on normal fic conventions to be sure. Personally? I’d consider it top shelf, no question. But to others? They might end up absolutely hating it. A strange midlife odyssey wherein a fed-up, lonely Craig begrudgingly reconnects with an out-of-shape, stagnated Clyde. Memorable to say the least, packed to bursting with detail and personality; go in with the right mindset and its glorious set pieces with burn themselves into your memories. Possibly the fic I’ve re-read the most ever.

Darkness Falls Vampiracy

Do you like cute, gorgeously written things? Set during the three days of Stick of Truth, it tells the behind-the-scenes story of Craig’s growing infatuation with the Lord of Darkness. Everything about this is clever and charming and just generally heart-warming. Best read after playing the game for maximum enjoyment, feel smart and accomplished as you pick out all the references. This fic’s adorable and pure and can do no wrong.

Chicken Vampiracy

The gateway fic? Huge question mark? This story is cryde personified. Like the author distilled the ships very essence into this amazingly funny and light-hearted story about the boys playing the world’s most drawn out game of gay chicken. It’s impossible not to love this story, it’s perfect for what it is, and will leave you feeling happy by the end every time. What more could you want? Show this one to your friends and they’ll finally ‘get’ cryde.

the remains of our sky traiyadhvika

I’ll level with you fam, this story will emotionally cripple you, prepared or not. The writing is precise, sublime, and utterly heart-breaking. It tells the story of how Craig deals with the aftermath of Clyde’s death on Everest. Obviously a heavy topic, but I can tell you with complete confidence that this fic not only does the subject matter justice, but also manages to tell a story of love and hope despite it. Like Butters said, it’s a beautiful sadness. This fic had me obsessively researching mountains for weeks, and anything that can light that kind of fire in you is something special.

C & C, The Mystery Duo Darkyfoot

There is nothing in here but pure fluff, joy and happiness. This story will lighten your soul and brighten your heart. It tells the tale of the boys discovering a life-long obsession for hunting mysteries, and will resonate with anyone who’s ever held a strong passion in their lives (which is probably most of you, if you’re hunting down SP fics to read). The written equivalent of a warm blanket and a steaming hot mug of cocoa on a cold winter’s night.

[S RANK] THE REALLY GOOD STUFF

Equality Donkerblauw Fluweel

A good chill-out fic? Cataloguing a series of parties over the summer in which Clyde starts cozying up to Craig after much alcohol is consumed; and like a good drink, the fic mixes all its elements together nicely. It’s nothing ground breaking, but it’s got a super relaxing flow to it, and will brighten your mood by the end. It nails the party atmosphere, so if you’ve got no-where to go this Friday night, maybe pour yourself a little something and give this one a read.

Craig Likes Vanilla (Ice Cream) themuffintitan

The cuteness equivalent of porn. If you’ve got a list of cliché ‘aww’ scenarios, chances are they’ll play out in this fic. If hand holding and sharing an ice-cream make you melt (hahanotfunny) then this one’s definitely for you. For a fairly simple story about Craig and the squad visiting a waterpark, it’s remarkably detailed (check that word count fam), and has a killer summer atmosphere to boot. It certainly made me hit up a park last July. The writing does let it down in a few areas, but overall you’ll probably be too busy enjoying the ride to notice.

The Silent Lie Donkerblauw Fluweel

Guilty pleasure? Okay you caught me red-handed. This fic’s practically porn. Read all about how Clyde learns to surrender his heterosexuality as Craig massages away all his football injuries in the steamiest way possible. If I’m being totally honest? The story’s pretty obviously there to frame the smut, and writing can be a bit all over the place. But I can’t deny it just works. It’s hot AF. Come here for the sexies and you won’t leave disappointed. Read it after dark. ;)

Press Play flappySp00kster

Arguably unfinished, but the only thing missing is apparently a mostly superfluous epilogue. We’re in full AU territory here as Clyde hooks up with Craig on a dating app during a rough-patch with his long-time, and now ex, girlfriend. Your mileage may vary obviously as the story’s not canon compliant; however the boys behave like you’d imagine and the romance is nicely fleshed out and unique. Bonus points for a bit of kink in the sex scenes, which is rarer than you’d expect for this ship.

What Happened in 1637 pinkfloyd1770

One of the most strikingly unique stories out there; it’s essentially a flower shop AU in which Clyde embraces his Dutch heritage and sports and encyclopedic knowledge on tulip facts. Written in medias res during a seemingly long since established relationship with Craig, this fic merely offers a look into this unique take on the couple as they go about their lives. The detail is stunning, and you’ll find vivid mental pictures coming to life in every scene. If you can get past the fact Craig bottoms (let’s pretend he was feeling generous that evening) then you’ll certainly be charmed with this one. (1637 is the year the tulip bubble finally popped. In case you were wondering.)

Around My Head wendybirb

Are you looking for something that’s light and fluffy? Maybe you like reading Clyde’s inner monologue as he fumbles around high-key pining over his best friend? Perfect, sign yourself up to this fic; it’s a quick and easy read that’ll give you your daily dose of wholesomeness from one of my favorite authors. Nothing overly flashy or complicated here, just boys being cute and kissing.

hey there demons traiyadhvika

This spooky affair is thankfully a lot less of an emotional roller-coaster than it’s cousin ‘remains of our sky’, but that’s not to say it doesn’t grab you and refuse to let go. Have you ever wondered what Craig and Clyde would be like trying to host one of those dorky haunted house shows? Bonus points in that Craig can legitimately see ghosts? It’s a fresh concept that’ll really get your mind racing with the cutest hosts you could ask for. Kept me glued to my seat, ready to throw down if any bad spirits came between the best boys. Slept with the hall lights on for a couple nights ngl.

As Good a Reason as Any Vampiracy

The last of the sacred trinity that also includes Chicken and Darkness Falls, the only reason this fic isn’t ranked higher is because it’s also the authors shortest. Watching Clyde try anything and everything to spend more time with Craig is as endearing as it sounds, and the only thing that sucks is that it doesn’t overstay its welcome; when honestly, you’d like the fic to stay for dinner and spend the night. Quality everything. No joke made my heart flutter. Read it and know true happiness.

Kiss It Better dokidave

A one and done story of Craig trying to cheer Clyde up after a difficult day. This fic’s a nice double whammy if you’re looking for some hurt and comfort mixed in with some steamy sex scenes. It delivers exactly what is says on the box; don’t expect too much in the way of plot of development, but certainly feel free to gush over the sappy sweet character moments. A good pick-me-up fic if you’re having a lousy day.

Take a Chance (You Say It's Your Birthday) Miaou Jones (miaoujones)

So here we have Craig being drunk and vulnerable, while Clyde’s radiating raw sexuality as he dances for Craig’s camera. I’m usually all about Craig giving off that top energy, but the way this story frames (hahakillme) the whole dynamic is very soft and endearing; you can fully understand why Craig’s the one feeling thirsty this time around. This is a fic that really knows how to set a mood. Read it and feel like you’re being pampered.

You Make It Easier glowworm888

Pure comfort; Clyde’s feeling understandably miserable about the thought of growing up without his mom, and Craig’s doing his best to help Clyde cope. Wholesome dumb teenagers looking out for each other and low-key falling in love. I dare you not to feel all happy inside as Clyde slowly begins to feel better as Craig looks after him. Adorable throughout, the ending is very much them. Another good read for making a crappy day a better one.

Miss you x Vampiracy

A true hidden gem by one of the best authors in the whole fandom; we have here the best fic in which Clyde doesn’t even appear. The whole schoolyard gang give their two cents on Craig’s spiraling mental state as he tries desperately to justify a typo to Clyde during an obsessive summer-long texting marathon. Legitimately funny from start to finish, with buttery-smooth dialogue and a big soft ending that’ll have you grinning ear-to-ear for completely different reasons. Love it, cherish it, and dream of more. Vampiracy ̶ we’ll miss you x.

[A RANK] SHORT AND SWEET

Whatever Gets You Through The Night Miaou Jones (miaoujones)

There’s a lot of mixed feelings for me in this fic. A love-letter to Clyde and his parents, in which Craig gets caught up on the whole ‘love’ part of it, having trouble fully expressing himself due to some heavy personal baggage. The Donovan’s really shine in this story. Betsy’s alive and massively comforting, Roger’s family values personified, and Clyde’s being a sweetheart to end all sweethearts. It’s confronting, more than a little emotionally messy, but it’s none the less a story that’ll stay with you. Check the comments for a hidden stinger.

Some Dieting Donkerblauw Fluweel

Clyde’s self-image problems are the focus this time around, doing a commendable job pushing the ideas of healthy progress, properly looking after yourself and feeling comfortable letting others help out. It’s a good length for the story it is, and although the writing gets a little spotty in parts you’ll be unlikely take too much notice. Like Clyde, this one’s hearts in the right place.

If Time Could Stand Still WeCryde

I used to stumble across this story semi-regularly back in the day, wondering if I’d missed it before realizing we’d already been well acquainted. The amount of show rather than tell is fairly distracting, with the entire meat of the relationship relegated to backstory. There’s still something here though. Perhaps in the way it deals with long-distance relationships and just distance in general. Maybe the hopeless romantic in me resonates with the plight of two idiots with thousands of miles between them. See if it works for you?

The Edges of the Atmosphere Miaou Jones (miaoujones)

There should be some sort of law that states that confessions in cryde stories have to be some level of stupid or convoluted. These two are physically incapable of expressing such feelings to each other in any standard normie way. So enjoy some classic spaceman Craig tropes while Clyde juggles being cute and awkward like a pro. Trigger warning for some racy hand-holding action; we’re talking interlocking fingers here.

Standby Flier Cheesebirb (Hi Mark ;)

So upfront, this story isn’t even a romance quite honestly. It’s just a cute bromance sort of affair at most, in which the boys share a hotel room together while waiting on a flight back home. You could quite certainly interpret it as the start of something deeper, as the fic gladly provides hints to support it; however there’s nothing to see here apart from the two personalities bouncing off each other, and sometimes that’s enough. A memorable little story that might resonate that little bit extra if you’re a frequent traveler.

Bust and Boom Azul_Bleu

Clyde fumbling with the realization that he’s got the hots for Craig isn’t new ground, that’s about the only ‘downside’ I could give this story. What it does with this premise however is deliver some pitch-perfect characterizations, snappy pacing, a good variety of settings, and some surprisingly touching moments given its brevity. It’s also loaded with lines that stand up off the page and stick with you and those are always worth their weight in gold; the author really squeezes a lot out of the short word count.

Forts Can Be Fun wendybirb

In which little Craig builds a pillow fort and little Clyde is invited. It’s a soft story with some cute exchanges, if you’re looking for a more innocent kid-cryde vibe then this one can scratch the itch. Short and sweet by definition. Go read it and give yourself a little smile.

Ennui dsfgajkh

This simple story’s a real blink and you’ll miss it; detailing some introspective thoughts Clyde’s having about the monotony of small town life and his fascination with his much more interesting best friend. At nearly a decade old, this story pre-dates Pandemic, which solidified the usual stoic Craig tropes that came after so it’s an awesome little time capsule back to those days where apathetic Clyde and flamboyant Craig was as good a guess as any. There’s a line about skittles that makes it worth the ten minute read.

Neighbors Vampiracy

So remember that time that Vampiracy wrote one of the most realistic and precious depictions of little Craig and Clyde playing with toy trucks in the backyard, but then it got buried in the depths of tumblr? Try not to smile when Clyde beams over the prospect of making a new friend and being able to show off the hole he’s dug; I completely and utterly dare you. Bratty Craig is my spirit animal and I’d die for more adventures with him at the Donovan house. I’m such a sucker for cutesy pre-school fluff I swear; just like you will be when you’re done reading this.

Shine On How You Shine On Miaou Jones (miaoujones)

Real talk? I’m a sucker for all things Brokeback Mountain, and this fic’s just neatly slotting in Craig and Clyde as the cowboys sharing a rough and confusing night in a tent together. The story is exactly what you’d think if you’ve read the original, and it hits all the same thematic beats. Guilty pleasure alert in full here. If you’re in the mood for hearing Clyde Twist tense up as Craig Delmar spits on his hand behind him then I won’t judge if you don’t. I’d unironically read ten more chapters.

Two Weeks toddintops

Yeah-yeah I know I’m stretching the definition of fic with this one, it’s barely a half thousand words; but hey, better five hundred words that make you feel something than ten thousand that leave you feeling the same. A short, sharp dose of angst with some beautiful art accompanying, what have you got to lose? Something about Clyde’s smile, coupled with the bittersweet lines near the end has always managed to stay with me. Maybe it’ll strike a chord with you too.

UNFINISHED (BUT STILL GREAT)

Ask Craig obitotxt (Password is 12345)

Hop on board the angst express; with the last stop being yourself when you realize the story comes crashing off the rails and never hits the end. Is the fact this blog never reached a conclusion one of the great tragedies of our modern era? Yeah, kinda. Fact is, this is probably the only cryde-centric askblog-formatted story out there; and yeah, it’s hyperbolic at times, but goddamn if it doesn’t make you feel something. Packed to the brim with boys being boys, memorable moments and just so much heart, you’ll be pressing F (and F5) for days after you reach the final unfinished pages.

One More Year llexxii

And here’s a weird way to recommend something: you probably don’t want to read this one. It’s very long, it’s very dead, and it has a fairly submissive Craig coupled with a rather unlikable rendition of Clyde. So why’m I even talking about this, and really, I’ve not got much of an answer for you. Just that this fic, despite everything, has some consistently excellent writing. The flashback scenes to Craig and Clyde as young kids are total gems. There’s stuff to love here, and maybe it could have been something great; if nothing else, maybe check it out as an interesting look into the ships history.

Turn It Around, Get a Rewrite wendybirb

This one hurts, in just about every respect. Prepare for angst story wise as we follow along with the life and times of Craig, reconnecting with a clearly troubled yet desperately pining Clyde, who seems scared shitless about his dying claims to heterosexuality. I genuinely love this story. It’s raw and emotional and angry and sexy, it comes across messy and real and does an amazing job making you care about the boys while also showing their more frustrating attributes. I’m still holding out hope it’ll one day take its place with the greats, but until then, the hardest gut-punch is always that “unfinished” tag.

January White (Love Is a Stain) Dovakiin

Here we’ve got a different kind of tragedy. The usual formula is a promising author burning out after an amazing opening run, but here we’ve got a story that never even made it past the kickoff. It’s such a shame. The eponymous metaphor and the solemn tone throughout is honestly pretty captivating; I would love to see how this take on the characters would have played. Spare ten minutes from your day and give yourself something to reflect on with this abandoned beginning.

NOT FULL CRYDE, BUT CLOSE ENOUGH

ask MARSH and BROFLOVSKI jovishark

You know what? Fuck it. I’m putting this one here and no one can stop me. This ask blog is practically fandom required reading at this point, and I couldn’t in good conscience not mention it. Stan and Kyle answer your questions, the plotline reads like something from a CW show, and Craig and Clyde don’t even end up together. I love it genuinely. If you pressed me, this story might be what got me into the fandom; pressed me harder, it’s what got me into cryde (again ironic as cryde isn’t endgame here). Always worth a read or a re-read. Pretend Craig and Clyde sorted things out in college if you need to.

Brace Yourself skyline

Okay so it’s a style story, let’s get that elephant in the room well and truly pointed out from the outset. If it’s a deal breaker for you that cryde isn’t the focus, then move along, but I guarantee for those that stay, there’s a charmingly written cryde side-ship playing out in tandem to Stan’s quest to win over his super best friend. There’s a lot to love about this story, the writings sharp and surprisingly powerful at times, and the characters are a joy to watch. Watching the cryde story unfold from Stan’s POV is a unique experience that you won’t really find anywhere else.

Remove Before Flight skyline

So remember Brace Yourself from literally just one entry up? Okay, same concept, same author. This is a different timeline in which Kenny’s the lucky protagonist trying to win Kyle’s heart, but like before, you’re treated to an enjoyable cryde sub-plot playing on in the background of the K2 drama. The writing’s still on-point, the characters are still great; if you liked the authors other story (which I’d advise reading first), you’ll definitely enjoy this one too. It’s cute how Craig and Clyde always seem destined for each other in this universe.

#cryde #fanfic #clyde donovan #craig tucker #cryderecs #we should probs be friends if youve read them all #❤️

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makeste · 5 years

Text

BnHA Chapter 229: The Real Me

Previously on BnHA: Dabi fought a dude who could control ice. For like three pages. Then we cut to my boy Twice, who had located an unconscious Toga (who as you recall had her blood blown up a couple chapters back, so yeah) and was understandably freaking out about how to get her some help. To make a long and somewhat confusing story short, you know that long-haired guy who hacked Giran’s phone? Turns out he has the power to create human puppets or some shit, and he created a bunch of Twice duplicates and sent them to capture the real Twice (who you might also recall has some traumatic history involving clones of himself). Seems they want to use Twice’s quirk to create a backup clone of Re-Destro, just in case history repeats himself and he ends up kicking the bucket like his great-great granddad. Wouldn’t that be sad. Re-Destro getting murdered. Wouldn’t that just be a darn shame. Anyways so let’s see where this leads.

Today on BnHA: The Villain Flashback Arc continues with today’s installment featuring, you guessed it, more villain flashbacks! We learn more about our little buddy Twice who was apparently orphaned as a young teen and subsequently found himself alone in a cold and uncaring world. Honestly you guys, after reading this I’m amazed that he’s still as nice of a guy as he is. Anyway, so he used his quirk to clone himself because he was lonely, and the clones and him engaged in a petty crime spree or two, and then somehow or other it all led to the whole murderfest that fucked up his head so badly. Back in the present, a struggling Jin tries to escape and help Toga, so Skeptic orders his puppets to break Jin’s arms. They do so, but this has a curious side-effect that Skeptic may not have been expecting. Namely, that having that much damage dealt to him makes Twice realize that he definitely is not one of his clones, and is in fact the real deal. This appears to at least temporarily cure his split personality woes, and the chapter ends with him creating about a dozen duplicates to go fuck up the Liberation Army’s day. Hell yes.

(All comments are my unspoiled reactions from my initial readthrough of the chapter. I did a quick edit for grammar and clarity immediately afterward, but aside from that there are no changes.)

hey guys, sorry I’ve been inactive all week; I’ve been sick and haven’t really had much energy. I still am sick, but I appear to have reached the stage of exhaustion where I’m all “eh, fuck it, yeah sure whatever” where it’s ironically easy to motivate myself to do stuff because I have no willpower to resist, lol

so anyway. we’re apparently not missing a beat, picking up right where we left off last week with Twice’s mask being pulled off by one of the gorilla puppets

wow and they’re just like. flinging him aside

DON’T FLING MY BOY NO!! AND GET AWAY FROM TOGA

AHHHH

shit, how creepy is that? are they cold because they’re just ~puppets~ and not actually real, living people? what a disturbing touch

now we’re cutting back to Skeptic, who’s giving the puppets orders and addressing them as various letters of the alphabet. how can he tell them the fuck apart

meanwhile Giran’s asking what they’re doing to his pal. ;_; Giran you continue to be the best

and Re-Destro’s forcibly directing his attention elsewhere, but he’s also answering his question, strangely enough

that’s a lot of detail to be giving the guy when you could have just smacked him and told him to shut up. these villains are so confusing

but I guess they’re just telling him all this to taunt him more, because now Skeptic is bragging that he learned about Jin’s psychological disorder from Giran’s client data

hey btw I don’t think I’ve said this yet, but fuck this guy so hard for taking advantage of Twice’s trauma and using it against him. what a shocker, the Meta Liberation Army of dickheads pulls another dickhead move. these guys are so classy

oh my fucking god you guys Giran is getting hotter with each fucking chapter though fffffffff

if you’d told me a month ago that this dude would be nipping at Aizawa and All Might’s heels for the title of BnHA’s most eligible bachelor I would have called you a liar and a thief, yet here we are. good lord

that said, I appreciate that he’s thinking about how hard it’ll be on poor Twice, but they also just said they’d kill Toga as well, so I imagine that part of it would be pretty hard on her too. just saying

SDLFKSDLFHK SPEAKING OF

FUCK ME YOU GUYS I ALMOST LEAPED TO MY FUCKING FEET, WHAT THE FUCK. DON’T TELL ME THEY’RE GOING TO SNAP HER NECK. HOLY SHIT

SOMEONE BETTER SAVE HER OR I’M GOING TO FLY OUT TO JAPAN AND GIVE HORIKOSHI MY STUPID COLD. THAT’LL SHOW THAT BASTARD. HAVE SOME BRONCHITIS YOU PIECE OF SHIT

AND TWICE IS WATCHING ALL PANICKED AND SCREAMING THAT HE’S GOING TO KILL HER

AT FIRST I WAS CONFUSED AND WAS LIKE, DOES HE BLAME HIMSELF FOR GETTING HER IN THIS SITUATION? BUT THEN I REMEMBERED THE CLONES AND THAT YEAH IT’S LITERALLY HIM KILLING HER THOUGH OMGGGGG

AHHH HE’S SO CONFUSED THIS IS SO CONFUSING

I’M TOO SICK TO DEAL WITH TWICE’S EXISTENTIAL CRISIS YOU GUYS, IT’S REALLY FREAKING ME OUT, HELP. THE FUCKING PANELS ARE ALL WOBBLY-LINED AND THEY KEEP ZOOMING IN ON HIS FACE AND SHOWING HIM ALL BUG-EYED SCREAMING “WHO AM I” OVER AND OVER AGAIN OH GOD

OH SHIT!?!?

ACTUAL TWICE FLASHBACKS OH SHIT?! I was not expecting this oh snap. I am so into this

anyway, so he’s thinking -- with surprising coherence -- that because of his rough appearance, people were always afraid of him growing up

but also, what was that part about him not having a family? so he was an orphan then?? Horikoshi you are aware that I already love Twice and am emotionally attached to him, yes? but like if you want to hit me with even more feels and fuck me up some more then be my guest I suppose?

anyway so whoever he’s talking to here says Jin, who is apparently sixteen here, evidently hit some dude with his motorcycle by accident. oh shit

and baby!Jin says the guy jumped out in front of him and he was obeying the speed limit and everything

and the man he’s talking to seems vaguely sympathetic but says that regardless, it’s usually the victim who ends up winning these cases, and that Jin may end up with a criminal record. “but don’t let it get to you.” oh, sure. yeah, let’s just look on the bright side here

he says that no matter how many times you stumble in life, you can always start over

well shit is it any wonder this kid ended up going the villain route and making a bunch of clones of himself to live his best life? I mean jeez, he had absolutely no one on his side and was slapped with a criminal record when he was only sixteen. that shit is rough

oh fuck me and it just keeps getting worse

well that’s nice. so make that homeless with a criminal record, then. jesus christ he was still just a kid

so apparently his parents died in a villain attack when he was in middle school, and he had no relatives. I guess the state didn’t give a fuck either, damn

I find it extraordinarily easy to empathize with, actually! that’s one of the things that makes you such a great character!

so I guess he originally ended up making a clone of himself just because he was lonely. okay wow. not only does Twice continue to be the most likable villain in the series, he’s working his way up there as one of the most likable and relatably human characters, period

look at this shit! he’s just a guy who had a run of bad luck and tried his best to cope with it in whatever ways he could. there’s nothing villainous about him, he was just someone whom nobody wanted. he had his entire future stolen out from under him in the blink of an eye and had nowhere else to turn. he just wanted some friends for fuck’s sake

and so then he and his merry band committed a bunch of petty crimes. but they just needed some cash so they could live! like, all he wanted to do was just chill out and be happy. I got your back Twice. it’s not your fault

and then the flashback just kind of cuts to him tied to the chair in the aftermath of the clone hunger games. so I guess that’s all the backstory we’re getting as far as that goes. ngl I would have really liked to see just a bit more of the lead-up to that specific event. he’s such a nice guy that it’s a bit hard to picture him just suddenly going “RAWR I’M GONNA MURDER ALL Y’ALL.” but what I’m thinking is that all of the tragedy in his past contributed to him forming his violent alter ego personality, and that one of the clones must have just snapped one day and the rest is history

anyway so now we’re cutting to his first meeting with my new boyfriend Giran

ah okay, so he’s scared because if he actually is one of the clones then just a tiny bit of damage would be enough to finally do him in

btw Giran, possibly the one good thing Re-Destro and his buds did was getting rid of that scarf and sunglasses though bud. if you decide to change up your look after all of this, I’m not going to complain. there’s a reason I thought you were just some douchebag this whole time. obviously I shouldn’t have been so quick to judge you, I realize that now of course

but seriously Giran who wears sunglasses at night indoors. I mean, idk, maybe you get migraines or something. but if not I’m just saying

regardless, questionable fashion choices aside, Giran is actually a super nice guy, a mensch if you will, and he is now casually changing Twice’s entire life in the span of a few sentences. awww

how the fuck were you planning on smoking that cigarette while wearing a paper bag over your face. ??

also, Giran on this page kinda reminds me of Sanji, if Sanji was, like, a beatnik about to throw down on open mic poetry night

anyway so that’s the end of our happy flashback, and now we’re back in the present with Twice resuming his freakout!

but in spite of his mental struggles, he’s shaking the puppet clones off and trying to dash toward Toga again omg!

up in his little tower Skeptic seems fairly surprised

in related news, fuck this guy so much. also he’s using one of his puppets as a chair, which is one of the creepiest touches Horikoshi has put in this manga to date. but also they mentioned last week that Skeptic makes the puppets out of any human-sized materials that happen to be lying around, so I kind of wonder if maybe this dude originally was a chair. the mysteries of BnHA

moving on though, yeah, Twice and Toga really do have a strong bond though, don’t they? their chemistry is as beautiful as it is strange

oh shit but they really did hit him though

FUCK YOU F AND G

FFFFF SON OF A BITCH

DLASFKJLKJ PLEASE DON’T YOU FUCKING PSYCHOPATH, I CAN’T WAIT FOR YOU TO FUCKING DIE YOU ASSHOLE!!!

motherfucker! and we just established that he’s afraid that a broken bone will be enough to kill him if it turns out he really is a clone!

-- holy shit, but. on the other hand, if it doesn’t kill him though, that just might be enough to cure him of that particular fear once and for all. oh shit, unexpected plot twist

though in this particular situation it probably won’t make much of a difference how sane he is if he’s still got two broken arms though fuuuuuuuck

anyway... gotta click to the next page... even though I really don’t want to, sob

aaaaaaaand they’ve broken them. well shit. at least it wasn’t graphic. he’s just hunching forward and screaming and his arms are facing the wrong way, fuck

and now Skeptic is all “your legs are next,” and uh, can Twice actually hear him, though?? like, what? did I miss something here? is he piping his voice in through the shed’s convenient sound system or something?

anyway he’s telling Twice not to struggle anymore, and Twice is muttering to himself all darkly about how much that hurt

and apparently Toga’s regained consciousness now!!

wow Skeptic, okay sure, go ahead and keep talking about how you’re about to kill Toga in front of his eyes. just keep on digging yourself deeper. it’s like he doesn’t realize there’s only one page left in the chapter and things are just about reaching a tipping point and our heroes (?! I mean they are, though, for this arc at any rate) have had just about enough of his bullshit

lol I can’t take the tension omg

please do something badass please do something badass please d --

oh snap

Twiiiiiiice ;_; so it’s like I thought. they unexpectedly cured you of your identity crisis angst

anyway I guess this chapter is a longer one than usual because it’s page 15 now and we’re still going! so I will now resume my “please do something badass” chant. c’mon Twice. kick some assssssss

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS

THIS TIME I REALLY DID LEAP OUT OF MY CHAIR OMG. BOIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

LMAO ARE ALL OF THEIR ARMS BROKEN TOO. FUCK IT, IT DOESN’T MATTER. DEKU HAS SPENT APPROXIMATELY HALF THE MANGA WITH BROKEN ARMS AND IT’S NEVER STOPPED HIM*

*forest angst aside. and anyways that all worked out in the end, so

“wounded heroes are the most dangerous.” well fuck. given that we’ve just seen an exhausted and delirious Shigaraki eradicate an entire wave of people, and a bloodied and wounded Toga straight up murder one of the Army’s leaders, I think it’s safe to say we can apply this statement to villains too. and I for one can’t wait how dangerous a wounded -- but now sane -- Twice can be. motherfucker how I am loving this glorious arc

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littleliv1 · 5 years

Text

39’- Brian May One Shot

A/n: a new series I’m starting y’all. It’s going to be in this type of format, I’ll figure out a way to post all of the stories in this series. I worked really hard on this so I really really hope you guys enjoy! Let me know what other songs I should do this with! Much love<3

WC: 2.4k

Summary: Earth is dying. And Brian takes the opportunity to help try to save you and his now growing family.

Warnings: it’s real sad ngl. Contains suicide, so please if that triggers you, don’t read!

The year was 2238. Earth was dying, and it was inevitable. The air was unbearably hot and sticky. The last clear sky was recorded in the 2100s. There are records from hundreds of years ago where kids got out of school for snow, something kids nowadays only read about. They could never imagine it. They got out of school for things like if the temperature was over 50°C, even then, you never missed a day of school. Not after the newly designed school head set. Sick? Put it on and enjoy your day at school. Heat day? Even teachers had one.

In 2200, the government in nearly all countries had failed. The world leaders came together to creat the SSA; the Synchronized Settlement Act. From then on, the world wasn't split into countries. It was one, though physically separated, everyone was one. The Earth was labeled by direction.

You had married the love of your life, Brian May in 2330. Every couple was allowed one child, due to over population. You and Brian decided to wait as long as you could to have the child, especially with the rumors of a newly born world that was possibly near. Alas, those were only but rumors. With Brian's musical talent and his knowledge of space, he had scored you all a nice shack on the beach. It was small, but nicer than most of the southern homes.

This night, you were sitting on the beach, looking at the cloudy sunset. You were surrounded by trash, and the ocean was black is was so dirty. But you were used to it. You all were. Your thoughts were interrupted by a body sitting close to you. You could tell it was Brian by the shadow. "Doing what you do best," He stated, sitting next to you. "And what's that?" You asked, looking over to him. He smiled, pushing your hair behind your ear. "Looking absolutely breath taking. Looks like tonight is clearer than most nights, that's good," He said, pointing out to the coast. You nodded your head disappointingly. "Yeah, I only wish I could see a real sunset. I read once that people used to see the sun, and it wasn't just a mush of colors." You said. He pressed his hand against your neck, rubbing it slightly. "I know, my love," he whispered to you. It absolutely killed him how much he could see you hurt when you talked about how the way things used to be. "I come with good news and bad news," He said, wrapping his hand around yours. You smiled. "I could use some good news." He smiled back, showing his perfect teeth. "The newly born world is real, and they leave to find it in ten months," you smiled so wide, you had never been so happy, besides your wedding day. "Oh Brian! That's fantastic! How could that ever have something bad?" You said, hugging him. "Well, they asked for volunteers, preferably ones with knowledge of space," he quietly spoke. Your heart sank, as did your arm that had been resting on his shoulder. "And, you volunteered?" You asked, your face flushing from the sadness. And he nodded.

A few months had gone by, and it was months full of fun, crying, and passionate love making. On this particular night, you had been feeling weird for the last few months, so you went to the doctor while Brian was away at training. You find out that you're four months pregnant. You sat in your car crying for hours. You couldn't tell if it was out of the happiness that you'd have a part of Brian with you while he was gone, or sad because you'd have to do this alone. Once you returned home, you found Brian at the table reading a book about space. He looked up at you to smile, taking a second before noticing your tear stained eyes. "My love, what's wrong?" He said, pulling himself up and hugging you. "Bri, I'm," you started, unable to find the words to finish. So you showed him the paper work. "You're pregnant," he stated, you nodding your head in response. He hugged you tightly, and you couldn't help but to sob in his chest.

In the year of 39' assembled here the volunteers, in the days when the lands were few

The day he was to leave finally arrived. They were together, holding each other for what felt like hours. He pulled back, holding your left hand. “This ring binds us. And it will for as long as we will,” he said, kissing your hand. “When you wear it, look at the sky and close your eyes. You’ll know what I mean soon,” he continued.

Here the ship sailed out, into the blue and sunny mourn, sweetest sight ever seen.

Your moment was interrupted by someone yelling that it was time to leave. He grabbed your face and kissed you for as long as he possibly could. “I love you Brian Harold May!” You yelled as he was being forced into the rocket. “I love you too (y/f/n)!” His muffled voice yelled. Within an hour, the rocket was gone and had taken off.

That was the loneliest night of your life. You laid there, looking at his side of the bed. You vowed that never in your life for as long as you live, no one, not even you, will lay there. You looked at your wedding band, remembering what he said. You got out of bed, your feet hitting the cold floor, and walked to the front porch. You saw the silhouette of the moon, but you could tell it was full. You closed your eyes and did everything you could to feel him.

And the night followed day, and the story tellers say, that the score Brave Souls inside,

6 months had passed and your baby was born. You birthed a beautiful baby boy, who you named Brian Harold May Jr., Harry for short. Harry was only a few weeks old. One the media, they name the volunteers the Brave Souls.

For a many lonely day, sailed across the milky sea, ne’er looked back, never feared, never cried.

A year had passed. They had very little contact with the volunteers, at this point they could only receive messages. But, the Brave Souls, as their name implies, they were brave. Strong. Not one wanted to turn around. They weren’t afraid. They wanted to fix the mess that the past had made, and restart for their families. Even though they so dearly missed them.

Don’t you hear my call? Though you’re many years away, don’t you hear me calling you?

It’s been five years since the volunteers left. You began to question when they will return. Harry was turning five in a few weeks, and for his present he wants his daddy. It broke your heart. At night, after you had your dinner, washed up your son, and put him to bed, you’d spend your nights out side looking at the sky. You began to feel his longing for you, you felt it at first in your stomach, the same warm feeling he gave you, but as time went on, you felt it in your head, then your heart. You knew he was calling for you. And you called for him.

He could feel it, too. As he looked out of the window, he held his wedding band, closed his eyes, and focused on you. They had been gone for a few weeks now, and man did he miss you.

Write your letters in the sand, for the day I take your hand, in the land that our grandchildren knew.

Harry was ten years old. It had been ten years since you’d seen Brian. You were close to loosing hope that he was still alive, but you wrote him letters every night. Every night for ten years, not to mention the ones Harry wrote when he started to write. You all glued and pasted them to pages in a scrap book for his return, waiting patiently for him.

Harry wrote about how he wants to meet his daddy. You and he watched the news together, looking at the group picture that the Brave Souls took. You always pointed Brian out. “There’s daddy,” you’d say, holding your child. At night, you always looked towards his side of the bed. You hadn’t kissed, slept with, or even touched another man that wasn’t your son. His side of the bed had gone untouched for ten years. Harry liked to draw pictures of space, he’d show his friends at school. Only they weren’t his friends. He had come home with a black eye one day, they had teased him mercilessly that his dad was dead and that he should just face it. That was the last time you sent him away.

You home schooled him for the remainder of his school years.

Many many years had passed, and you had to face the fact that you may never see Brian again. You were old. You were dying. You were at the age of 65 when you were old you had cancer, it was at stage two and spreading fast. But you fought for 20 more years. Harry was 58, with a child of his own, and she with a child of her own. Harry’s wife died at child birth. His daughter was in her 30s, her daughter was almost 9. You adored your grandchild and your great grandchild. Soon, at the age of 89, you passed away peacefully.

Harry was devastated over your death. He lost his wife, Emily, when she had Aliyah. All he had was his daughter and his grandchild, Millie. Aliyah and Millie took care of him. He told them the stories of his father, Brian Harold May Senior. Millie loved the stories. He showed the girls the notes you and he wrote together, it always brought Aliyah to tears.

40 years later, Harry is 98. He’s getting older, and he can feel his body giving out. Aliyah is in her 70s, Millie is in her 40s with a son of her own who is 18 and expecting. The story’s of yours and Brian’s love never once left the family line, each new generation swearing to give it to Brian if the day ever came. Harry died at 100, one of the eldest men to have lived in the south side. Brian’s

In the year of 39’ came the ship in from the blue, the volunteers came home that day.

The family titled the book of letters you and Harry wrote ‘The Book of Love’. It was now in possession of his great great great grandson, Brian Harold May III. On a cold, September morning, their favorite show, The Moonies, was interrupted. “Damnit! I want to see what happens to Jill! What is this shit?” Millie said, angrily. She was visiting Harold was and his pregnant wife. Aliyah died in a plane crash a few months back. Harold was adding to the Book of Love, when he heard Millie shouting. “Mum, what is it?” He asked. He looked at her with a gaping mouth. “They-they’re-“ She started, standing to her feet as Harold realized what was happening. “They’re home,” he whispered. “Janet! Janet! They’re home! They’re home!” He said, shouting to his wife, now 7 months pregnant. “That’s great love! Go! Go meet him!” She said, kissing him deeply.

They went to the launching pad where they could meet Brian May Senior for the first time. They had a sign with his name on it. The door opened, to only six men. “I thought 16 had left?” Janet whispered to Harold. “No, yeah, 16. But there’s only six,” He said back. They were welcomed with applause. The captain of the ship came and took ahold of the microphone.

And they bring good news, of a world so newly. Though their hearts so heavily weighed.

“Greetings, friends and family. We thank you for this amazing greeting.” He started. The year was 2339. It had been 100 years since they left. “It’s been a long, hard few month, but we are glad to be home at last.” He spoke his words slowly, but everyone knew it was no few short months. A few hours later, they were released to be with their family. Brian found the family, with his name on the sign. “Brian May?” Harold said, look up at the tall man. He nodded his head. Brian just wanted to see you, though you had been dead for quite sometime now. They figured he would have known that by now. They greeted him with wonderful gifts, foods, everything. “My my, this is all so wonderful, but I’d like to see my wife, (y/n). She should be a few months pregnant, maybe 8 or 9 months?” He said. Harold and Millie looked at each other, sadness filled their eyes. “Come home with us, will get everything sorted out there,” Millie said, quietly. He nodded.

For the earth is old and grey, little darling well away. But my love this cannot be!

As they entered the house, Harold ran to get the book, sitting Brian down at a chair. Over the many years of its existence, it was filled of pictures from previous generations. “I don’t know how to tell you this, so here,” Millie said, handing him the book. “It’s from (y/n). She and her son Harry made this for you before they,” she paused looking down. Brian looked up at them, smiling. “What on earth are you talking about, who’s Harry?” He said. He opened the book, seeing all of the letter you and Harry had written to him. He was quite confused. “I don’t, I don’t understand. These are dated 20, 30, 40 years from now? I’ve only been gone a few months,” he said, looking over the dates. “Oh dear,” Janet said. Everyone looked at him in sorrow. “It’s the year ‘39, 2239, correct?” He said, failing faster through the pages, as he got to the family tree with dates. They were birth and death dates. “‘M afraid not, it’s 2339,” Millie said, holding his hand, trying to calm him. He started to panic as he saw your name.

(Y/f/n)-May: Born 2208-2297

“Oh, God, no,” he whispered. He gently ran his finger over the picture of you and Harry when he was 7.

For so many years are gone, though I’m older but a year, your mothers eyes from your eyes, cry to me.

Brian locked himself in his old bedroom for 3 weeks, reading all of your letters. And then rereading them, taking in all of the pictures that they gave to him. You made it a point to take plenty of pictures of Harry while he was a child, at his wedding, with his first born. Brian was too sad to cry. He only ate once a week, and they were a few crackers. Depressed was an understatement of the way he truly felt.

Don’t you hear my call? Though you’re many years away, don’t you hear me calling you. Write your letters in the sand, for the day I take your hand, in the land that our grandchildren knew.

It had been a month since he got home, and he hadn’t spoken more than a few sentences to anyone. He laid in bed at night, staring at the ceiling. He couldn’t handle it anymore. The sadness he felt.

He grabbed a case, and went to the beach. The same beach you two sat on, 100 years ago. Even though his entire line of family was promised a spot in the newly born world, as was he, he didn’t want it if it weren’t with you. He didn’t want any life without you. He opened the case, and pulled out a gun.

“Brian Harold My Senior took his life in 2339 due to grief of his lost wife, (y/n) May. Loving husband, father, along with many generations of life. Rest easy, Brave Soul.” His tombstone read. His family was heart broken for him. They wished that they could have gotten to know him, but they understood why that couldn’t happen. He didn’t belong here.

Don’t you hear my call, though you’re many years away, don’t you hear me calling you? All your letter in the sand, cannot heal my like your hand, for my life, still ahead, pity me.

In the distance of the sunset funeral, you could see Brian watching from afar. You approach him, taking his hand in yours. He could be shocked, but he knows it’s you. He turns to face you, taking in the same beautiful face that said her goodbyes too soon. “My love,” He said, resting his forehead into yours. “Together at last,” you replied, smiling. A single tear rolled down his face. “There’s no life I would want to live if it meant I couldn’t see you,” He said. You kissed him once more, deepening the kiss. “Would you like to meet your son?” You asked him. He nodded smiling. “You can meet him, if you’re ready,” you said, holding his hand. He nodded his head again. You both knew you mean if he was ready to cross over and be with you and your all’s child again. You smiled again, walking towards the sky, the clouds seeming to part for the two of you.

Millie, Harold, Janet, and Harold’s new daughter looked up. “To the most beautiful love story anyone will ever know,” Harold said, Brian forever resting next to you underneath a tree.

#brian may #brian may fanfic #brian may x reader #brian may x you #holy shit now im sad #brian may angst #bruan may fluff

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