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starry-eyes-love · 10 months

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Marriage Dynamics- Relaxin' is Hard Work

Main Masterlist Series Masterlist

Pairings: Husband Joel Miller x F!Reader (18+ Minors DNI) AU, No outbreak

Summary | Joel takes the day off to spend it with you. You take him to a salon for a couples pedicure and massage, but somehow your wires get crossed and instead of spending the afternoon relaxing, you spend the afternoon working on improving communication in your marriage. Reader mentions she's pregnant, but is too scared to admit it to her husband. Joel eventually figures it out.

Warnings | 18+, Minors DNI. Husband and wife marriage dynamics, age gap (he's 52 and she's 37), language, light smut (reader gets handsy in public), Joel whimpers at her touching him (it needs its own warning), arguments with angst at times, reader berates herself, descriptions of anxiety and panic attacks, reader over thinks things (a lot), terms of endearment used (baby, babe, honey, mama, Angel, etc.), slight flirtatious behavior (what can I say, Joel loves his wife), Joel tickles his wife (it needs its own warning), fluffy parts sprinkled in here and there, reference and descriptions of pregnancy, references to unplanned pregnancy, female reader briefly mentions past abuse with father (yet no in-depth specifics are given), mentions of body issues and body descriptions, mentions of feeling ill (female reader gets sick and vomits in garbage can). Think I got them all. Enjoy :)

Word Count: 6.1k

“Ok sexy mama, I'll get my toes painted” he commented, while reaching down and tickling your belly to hear you laugh some more. You started squealing and squirming as he tickled your stomach, a ticklish spot you had. Joel loved to hear you squeal and break out in a fit of laughter. The more he heard it the more his heart swelled large in his chest and the tighter his pants got in the front. It had been a long time since…

Joel stood there next to you at the counter glancing over all the items that were there, thinking to himself, why do I get myself in these predicaments with her? Here he was taking the day off from work to spend it with you, something that doesn't happen very often. You promised him a fun, relaxing day together. However, as he watched you pay for a couples massage and pedicure, he thought this is not my idea of fun nor relaxin’.

Earlier that Day

"Darlin', I'm not sure about this," he said as you pulled up to the salon.

"Come on Joel, you're always griping about how your back and feet hurt. Now you can take care of them," you replied while parking the car.

You watched him rub the back of his neck awkwardly saying "I know baby, but me, a pedicure? I mean come on, I thought we were gonna do something fun.”

"Joel, you're gonna love it, trust me.”

Joel just glared at you as he slowly ground his teeth while releasing a long exhale. He was trying to figure out how he could get out of doing this.

“Babe, you'll really relax doing this.” You said, trying to get him to see reason.

“No I won't Angel. This-” Joel said, waving his hand towards the salon, “is just plain silly. Sure for you it's fun and relaxin’, but for me, it's just silly. If the guys at the construction site ever saw this-”

“The guys at the construction site, is that what you're really concerned about? The guys?”

“Babe, you don't understand.”

“Yeah I get it Joel. God forbid you spend a day with your wife doing something relaxing. How embarrassing that would be for you.” You replied, letting anger seep into your words.

Joel let out a frustrated sigh saying “Nevermind, ya don't understand.”

You instantly felt a sting of jealousy at his concern, that being seen with his wife would cause him extreme discomfort. Joel hardly saw you anymore, and he never had a problem doing this stuff with you in the past. In a defeated tone you said, “Fine Joel, I get it. This is silly. But babe, we don't get to spend any time together.”

“And you thought that this was the best way to do it? A damn pedicure? Where the hell does this say ‘Joel Miller would love this,’ huh?” You watched him shake his head and look out the passenger window frustrated.

You felt your internal walls go up, wanting to shut down. To close yourself off from people who hurt you. You wanted to retreat back into the darkness of your mind, not allow anyone in again. You've struggled in life for far too long with this concept of not allowing others in. Joel was the only man who could break down those walls, and now you were struggling not to push him out.

In the past Joel used to do fun little things like this with you, even if they were silly. Hell, he was the first person to introduce you to the world of pedicures and massages when he dated you. It was the best activity the two of you could do with his young preteen daughter when he couldn't find a babysitter. You never minded back then as you just wanted to spend time with your boyfriend. You remember one time you were a little hesitant and Joel eased your nerves by saying ‘Come on darlin.' It doesn't matter what the guys at the construction site or anyone else says. I wanna spend time with you. I know this seems silly, but it'll be relaxin’. I can promise you that, so trust me.’ You found yourself repeating those exact same words to Joel now, begging with your eyes for him to remember.

“Honey, that's the dumbest excuse I've ever heard as to why we should do this. Whoever said that to you was a liar and an idiot” he told you, shaking his head and laughing hard. You quickly looked away and felt the red hot burn in the back of your throat start. He didn't remember his time with you.

Joel had hardly been home for the past year. His business, Miller Contracting, signed the biggest contract in history about a year ago out of town. Joel was making a large amount of money, his business skyrocketing almost overnight after years of struggle. You, being his wife, were so proud of him, for his ability to never have to struggle with his business again. He had work lined up for the next 3 years for this big development company, and then he just recently signed two more large contracts for other companies. Joel finally had steady work for many more years to come. You knew that Joel Miller was finally set for life with his business. But you couldn't say the same thing for your marriage.

Joel used to do all these silly little things with you. It's what made hard times bearable in the past. But ever since a year ago your husband's attitude has changed. In the past year you felt like you had gone from Joel's loving wife, to a ‘thing’ or an ‘it’ to him.

“I guess you're right,” you said, looking out the window at the salon. You were trying to hold back the tears that were threatening to come at the realization that life was different now. “I don't know what else we could do at the last minute.”

“Yeah, m’ither” Joel said while picking lint off his jeans and refusing to look at you in the face anymore.

“Joel, do you still want to do something with me today?” You waited in silence as he stared out the window, not answering you.

“Joel” you said a little bit louder, still trying for a connection. But yet again, no answer. Uncomfortable silence continued for several minutes, neither one of you uttering a single word. Finally, Joel broke first by exhaling loudly. He then closed his eyes and rested his head against the seat's headrest.

“Joel, are you still with me honey?” you asked one last time. When silence continued, that's when you understood that you had failed miserably at trying to have a fun and relaxing day.

“I'll just take you home then, leave you alone, and let you rest.” You mumbled out loud, more to yourself. “God y/n, why are you so fucking stupid. If he didn't want to do stuff with you before, he sure as hell won't want to do anything with you now. Stupid, stupid, silly girl.”

What you didn't realize was that you verbalized your internal turmoil, and the man sitting next to you heard it. Joel hated hearing you berate yourself, a bad habit that you picked up from your father and your father's now divorced ex-wife. Joel knew that he was the cause of your current stress and anxiety. After all, he was the asshole who was never home and when he was, you two were always arguing and fighting all the time. Sure, you’ve had some amazing days like Halloween night and a promise of a week ago in the car, something that he never followed through with because he got called away to deal with shit at work. He was failing you as your partner and your husband, but most of all he was failing you as your best friend. You were his best friend, the only person that he loved spending time with. It was just today he didn’t feel up to this silly stuff you wanted to do. He knew he was the one who introduced you to this stuff with Sarah all those years ago, and that today you were just reaching for familiar territory.

Joel sat there with his eyes closed and continued to listen to you berate yourself out loud. Why does she fucking do this to herself, she knows better, he thought. He was just about to open his mouth and yell at you to knock it off when he heard you whisper “Baby, I don’t know how to tell your daddy that you’re in there. How can I when your daddy and I can't seem to find common ground anymore.”

As soon as he heard your little admission, at the potential of you being pregnant again, Joel snapped his eyes open and looked over at you. How did I not notice this, he thought. He immediately started scanning over your body, looking for any signs that he may have missed. When he stopped and really looked at you he saw them. Your black t-shirt sat more snug around your chest, he could see that your breasts were slightly swollen. Your curves were more profound, not from fat, but from water weight he suspected. Your tummy, a little pouch forming low on your belly. That's a baby, he thought. His baby, the one he put there on Halloween night. You always started to show really early on in your pregnancy. According to your doctor it was extra water weight, but to Joel it was a sign of life. Something that he hasn’t seen your body do for many years, considering your youngest boy was now seven.

Joel continued to trail his eyes slowly back up your features. He noticed the dark circles underneath your eyes. You weren’t sleeping and that worried him. You two had lost a baby before when you were 22 weeks along, a little girl that came a year before your youngest boy. He had given you two boys, but he knew you always wanted to try again for a little girl. But somehow life got in the way and you two never tried for a girl again. He was hoping this time around it was a girl.

With remembering your past pregnancies, Joel wondered how you were feeling. He knew the first stages of pregnancy were hard on you. You’d hardly sleep or eat, nausea being the worst culprit. With Joshua, your youngest, you could hardly keep anything down during the entire pregnancy. God, he hoped that wasn’t your fate now. At least he was making enough money to cover all the living expenses, in case you weren't able to work through it like before.

Joel then allowed his eyes to roam higher up to your eyes, that's when he saw that they were bloodshot. You were crying and berating yourself because of how he made a stupid comment, that he was embarrassed being seen with you at doing a pedicure. Jesus Joel, you’re such a fucking asshole sometimes, he thought.

He sat there and watched you for a moment, at your struggle to try to stop the tears that were falling from your eyes. Seeing this, hearing your confession and actually looking at you, at how stressed out you were made his heart ache. He hated to see you cry, and yet you've been doing that a lot recently, thanks to him.

"Come on, darlin,'’ you heard Joel say. “My back and feet don't have all day. Let's get this salon pampering day started.”

"Joel it's ok, we don't have to-" you said, wiping the tears from your eyes.

"No," he said. "It's a perfect idea honey, the best way to relax. I'm so sorry for snapping. I'm just- fuck baby, I'm stressed and struggling to find a proper balance between both worlds. Now come on darlin.’” Joel said, while giving your hand a tender kiss. As you both walked towards the salon, Joel gently intertwined his fingers with yours. He gave small soothing strokes with his thumb, reassuring you that he was here and present for you.

Soon Joel found himself staring at a wall with different colors of nail polish. He was being directed by you to choose a color that he wanted his toes to be painted with. "Darlin', the lady at the counter said I don't need to pick out colored nail polish."

"Tough cowboy, you're doing it. Plus it'll show support to women everywhere if you do." You tried your hardest to give him a convincing answer of why you wanted him to do this. He just looked at you and smirked, seeing straight through your attempt.

“Supportin' women has nothin' to do with it. Ya just want to laugh at me, that's all." He said, shaking his head at your attempt with reasoning with him. Why do I always get myself in these situations with her? But as he glanced over he saw you smiling ear to ear. You were practically jumping for joy at the thought of having a couples massage and couples pedicure with him. That's when he knew that all of this was worth it, especially if he could see you look happy and smile like that again.

As you were wiggling in Joel's arms laughing you happened to accidentally brush your hand up against his clothed crotch, and that's when you felt it, a firm prominent bulge. As soon as your hand brushed up against him you heard Joel let out a hiss at the sensation. He then gently nudged his hips against your hand while giving you a little whimper.

“Joel, how long has it been?” you asked, slowly palming him in the front. You were concerned, Joel was never this sensitive to sensation before and he's never whimpered like that just by the meer push of your palm. Oh, poor baby, you thought, you weren't the only one who had been neglected. You palmed him harder, trying to show him what you wanted. You felt him twitch and throb beneath you. “Baby, how long?” you whispered, pushing harder with your hand as he rutted up into you, seeking out more friction.

“Too long,” he panted. “It's been too fucking long since I, since we, fuck woman” he growled and snapped his hips forward, desperately seeking pleasure from you. He wanted to open his pants and tell you to get down on your knees and to suck his cock. He wanted to fuck your mouth so bad, then bend you over one of those salon chairs and bury himself inside of you. He wanted to show you he could be the man you needed, and be the father for your children. He wanted to put a baby inside of your nice soft-

“Baby, when was your last period?” Joel said, stopping his movements and racing mind for a moment. When you didn't answer he continued by saying “I don't remember when you had your period last. Have you had one in the last two months?”

“Don't worry about it” you said, while slowly pulling your hand away. This was not a conversation you wanted to have right now.

You walked over to the side, a few feet away from Joel and you were pretending to look at the colors of nail polish. What you were really doing was trying to slow your pounding heart in your chest. Joel approached you and slowly started to stroke your little bump saying “how late are we talking mama, huh?”

“Joel it's only 10 am and-”

“S'not what I meant sugar and you know it. Come on mama, how far along are we?” Joel said, flattening his palm over your belly and holding it there.

You looked into your husband's eyes and saw compassion behind them. You were just about to open your mouth and tell him that you were 3 weeks late when someone said “Y/n and Joel Miller, they're ready for you.”

As soon as you heard them call your names you backed away and grabbed the purple nail polish that was right in front of you. It reminded you of the first time you did this all those years ago with Sarah and him. It made you smile at the warm memory. This one is perfect, you thought. You handed it to Joel saying “I think this color would look great for the both of us.”

When Joel looked down he saw that the nail polish was purple with sparkles in it, your favorite color. When he glanced at your face he saw uncertainty in your eyes at the events that just played out. So with a grin and a squeeze from his large hand he grabbed the jar from you and said “Ok, purple it is. Now come on mama, let's go and get you nice and relaxed.”

Three hours later Joel was slowly relaxing. He was laying on his stomach, purple sparkly toe nails poking through the blanket, as a very attractive woman worked the hell out of his shoulders. Kiara, Joel's masseuse, was an expert in deep tissue massage. After the staff found out that he basically was one big hard tight knot, he was advised that deep tissue massage would be the best option.

"Aw darlin' right there," Joel said as Kiara worked on his lower back.

"Mr. Miller, you're so stiff and tight. It's gonna take me a bit to work you fully out. Does it feel better when I press right here?" Kiara asked, pushing on Joel's lower back, a place you knew turned your husband on.

"Ah yeah, right there" Joel grunted at the sensation.

You were on your own massage table being worked on by Fredrick, a middle aged man with a beer gut. While Joel had Kiara, a 42 year old big breasted, fully fit porn star looking woman. You know, the type of women your husband likes to look at when he's browsing those adult only sites.

As you continued to watch Kiara flirt with your husband, you felt your insecurities creep up into your skull, worrying you. You had no idea if Joel would be ok with this unplanned pregnancy. You knew the old Joel would be ok with it. But now you had no idea how he'd react, especially with how he has behaved this past year. The longer this went on, the more your irrational fears seeped deep into your subconscious.

When Joel moaned for the third time in less than five minutes at Kiara asking him if something felt good, you found yourself snapping at your husband. "Joel, for the love of God, can you please just shut the hell up? Really, no one wants to hear how good it feels to have someone else touch you." You didn't know why, but you were upset, angry, and hurt all at the same time. Somehow hearing someone else pull those little sighs or grunts out of your husband bothered the hell out of you.

"Look here woman, I'm enjoying myself, ok? Your fault for making me do this. So pull back the attitude now." He said, snapping at you.

After a moment he added, "What's with your attitude anyways today, huh?"

"I don't know Joel, why don't you tell me."

"Look here missy, I don't know what's up your ass today. But whatever it is, it can just stop. Don't ruin this for me with your petty bullshit. Got it?" he said, with a warning in his voice.

"Petty bullshit, really? Are you kidding me Joel? You promised me you’d spend time with me today. And-”

“And what y/n? What more could you possibly want from me today than what I’m already giving you?”

When you didn't open your mouth to argue, Joel assumed the problem was solved. That you'd stop throwing your little temper tantrum. But what he didn't realize was that the emotion you were now feeling wasn't one of defiance. You were feeling neglected and you didn't want to do this day anymore. You thought you could have a fun day with your husband, like you used to when you two dated. But now, you just wanted to go home, and pretend that today and this past year never happened. You wanted your husband to be around, present more, and not treat you like you were someone who was a burden or a checkmark on a list. You wanted to pretend that your husband still cared.

When you counted it up, it had been almost two months since you and Joel had sex last. To make matters worse, your period was almost 3 weeks late. You were worried about what he'd say when he found out. You were pregnant, that much was evident on the pregnancy test that you had taken over a week ago. You knew that your fears right now were irrational, that you were just making something out of nothing. But to you your fears felt very real. And with Joel smiling and laughing so easily with Kiara, it made your stomach hurt and twist in knots at the thought that he didn't want you anymore.

You were so lost in your own head, that you didn’t notice that Fredrick had stopped massaging your back. He could sense how tense your body was, and the turmoil of feelings that you were feeling. "Mrs. Miller, are you ok?" he whispered. When you didn’t respond to him right away, he said louder “Mrs. Miller, are you ok?”

As soon as Joel heard the question from Fredrick he snapped his head to the side to look at you. When he saw you, you were laying face down, your hand up by your mouth as you were sobbing into the table. “Baby, are you ok?” Joel asked, worried and concerned of what made you fall apart like this.

"Yeah, I'm. I'm fine” you said, trying not to have your voice break. “Can you um- can you please excuse me. I gotta- I don’t feel well.” You then got up, and walked into the changing room that was attached, tears still streaming down your face.

As Joel watched you walk away he knew this little adventure the two of you were having today was over with. He apologized to Kiara and Fredrick, stating that the both of you would be leaving early. As he went to his own dressing room to get dressed, he started thinking to himself. He knew that you were stressed out a lot, and that the two of you were having problems. He also knew that you just wanted a day to relax with him, so seeing you like this broke his heart. You have cried a lot recently and he could understand why, but it still bothered him. He didn't mean to snap at you today, he was just stressed out himself. He began to realize though that his stressors and your stressors were drastically different.

Something was up with you, that much was certain. You were more sensitive and emotional recently. If he attempted to ask you about it, you'd just blow up at him. Usually when you were more emotional it meant that you were by or on your period. But Joel was confused, especially with seeing those other bodily signs that you were having. Were you pregnant and he just didn't see it? Or were you having flare ups of your gynecological problems again and he wasn't noticing it. He was so busy with work that he didn't remember if you had your period yet, that's why he asked you earlier today. He was trying to calm his own irrational fears of being an inattentive husband.

The problem was he didn't know what was off or how to fix it with you. If your admission earlier was true, that you were in fact pregnant, then why did you hide it from him and not tell him? Were you embarrassed in carrying his child? Joel was lost in thought, trying to figure out what he could do that he almost missed hearing you get sick in the other room. As soon as he heard the telltale signs of you throwing up he muttered to himself “shit,” and finished getting dressed.

While Joel was in his dressing room getting lost in thought, you were in yours doing the same thing. You quietly dressed in your changing room, trying to calm the tears that were flowing. As you looked down you noticed the little bump you had. You kept trying to flatten your shirt overtop of it, to hide it from the world. You weren’t upset that you were pregnant, you were just overwhelmed at the moment and didn't want to think about it. But the more you tried to suck in your gut, to flatten your shirt, you started to slowly panic. You tried tucking in your shirt, then you untucked it, nothing worked to hide what was growing inside of you. You couldn't hide the embarrassment of getting pregnant from a man who you didn’t think wanted you anymore. In your experience, which was limited, an unplanned pregnancy when there were marital problems never resulted in a happy ending for the mother or wife. As this realization hit you, you felt the bile rise up fast in your throat. Your hands were shaking, and you were drowning in your own irrational fears and anxiety. Worst part, no matter what you did you couldn't calm yourself down.

Tears began to flow hard again from your eyes as you tried anything to stop the anxiety from swallowing you whole. You felt like you were suffocating, drowning in a pool of uneasiness. Your vision went fuzzy, your ears started to ring, and the whole world started to spin on its axis. You reached out and were fumbling around the room, trying to find something to grab onto to center yourself. As soon as you grabbed the garbage can your knees buckled and you collapsed. Your heart was pounding in your ears and you felt the bile rise up fast again in your throat. You grabbed the garbage can just in time as your body heaved the entire contents out of your stomach into the trash.

You were retching so hard into the garbage, shaking with panic as tears flowed down your face that you never heard the door open and a man approach you. Your anxiety was swallowing you whole and you said with a breathless plea to yourself, in-between vomiting sessions, that you were scared and couldn't do this anymore. Then like a miracle from heaven, you felt those familiar rough hands gently reach out and center you once again.

When Joel entered the room his heart sank at seeing you collapsed on the ground and retching into the garbage can. You were pleading for someone to help you, to make the pain and anxiety stop. You were drowning in your own anxiety and it broke his heart. No one hurts my babies, he thought, especially him.

Joel slowly walked up to you and gently reached out to gather your hair into his hands. After he pulled it back from your face he placed one of his hands gently on your tummy, while whispering “Shh, mama. Take a breath. Come on now, you’re okay. I'm right here and I ain’t leavin’. Shhh.” He continued to rub soothing circles on your belly, right where the little bump was. When you were finished emptying the contents of your stomach Joel grabbed a towel and gently wiped your mouth saying “well, I thought that wasn’t gonna happen for a while yet.”

“What?” you said, confused, feeling completely worn out by today’s events.

“Baby, you do a bad job at hiding it.” Joel said with a smirk on his lips.

“Joel, I don’t know what you’re-” and then it dawned on you, he heard you. He heard your admission in the car that you were pregnant. As soon as that realization hit you, Joel watched your eyes go wide as you started to shake your head violently back and forth. You stood up and immediately started backing away from him, eyes blown wide with anxiety and panic once again.

Joel slowly stood up and watched you as realization took hold of you of your earlier admission. “Baby, take a breath for me, ok?” he said, trying to calm the fear and panic that you had. As he slowly approached you he said “sugar you gotta slow your breathing down, come here, let me help you.” He slowly reached out to you so you could center yourself.

“No, no, no. You can't know, I can't do this alone. Please God, why is this happening to me?” you said out loud, not wanting the world to fall apart around you. You didn’t want this discussion now, not when you didn’t know what you could do. You didn’t want him to kick you out, to say that you disappointed him, that you were a disappointment. Joel never said those words to you, your father did when he found out that you were dating his best friend. And the way your father dealt with it was to kick you out of the house, after he berated you in front of Joel. You knew Joel wasn't your father, but in this moment your father’s voice and Joel’s voice blurred together in your head.

When you felt your back hit the wall you knew that your running was over. You had to face the man in front of you, whether or not you wanted to. You instinctively wrapped your arms around your chest, hanging your head low when the sob that you’ve been holding back all day finally broke free from your chest and swallowed you whole. Your knees buckled and you started to fall to the floor like a ton of bricks sobbing hysterically saying “I can't be homeless again. I can't do this abuse again.”

Joel wasn't trying to scare you, he just wanted to center you and stop you from spiraling out of control. But when he saw your knees buckle he said “shit” and moved fast to catch you. He then wrapped his big arms around you, and pulled you tight to his chest as you let out all of the anxiety and frustration of the last several weeks.

“Come on now little one, don’t cry” he said, calling you a nickname he hasn’t called you for a long time.

“I’m sorry Joel, I’m sorry” you kept saying, as you let out all of your pent up anxiety.

“No. Come on baby, don’t say that. You got nothin’ to be sorry for. Let's slow your breathing down, yeah? Alright little one, how ‘bout you breathe with me.” He said, speaking softly into your ear. You felt him slowly lower his hand to the small of your back, rubbing tiny circles on your skin, attempting to quiet your tears. You also started to match his breathing with long inhales and slow exhales.

After listening to him breathe and matching his breathing for a while he slowly lowered his hand to your belly and gently started stroking it. You then heard Joel whisper in your ear, “I love you baby, no matter what. I need you to know that I’ll never leave you, no matter what. Ok?”

When you didn’t respond he took a step back, bent down and looked you straight in the eyes. You nodded your head slightly, attempting a weak smile as you finally had calmed yourself down. He stared at you for a moment, assessing your features to see if you truly were done with your panic attack or if you still were in it. When he realized that you weren’t going into another one, he gently tucked you into his side and whispered “ok mama, how ‘bout we get you home so you can lay down and relax. You've had a tough day honey.”

After a few silent minutes of gathering your things together, eventually the two of you started to walk for the exit of the changing room. Before you exited the doorway you said “Joel um- I got something I wanna say.”

Joel stopped and looked down at you, gently nodding his head. This was it, the moment you were going to say that you were pregnant. You opened your mouth, but nothing came out. You started to panic and overthink things again. What happens if he’s mad at me and yells at me again? You were silently having an internal tug-o-war with yourself.

Inside Joel was frustrated with himself that you couldn’t be honest with him. He was silently scolding himself for creating this environment in which you didn’t feel 100% comfortable with talking with him. Something that he promised himself that he would change, starting right now. As he stood there and watched you play tug-o-war with your mind, he tried to give you the warm environment of being relaxed, yet his own stomach was churning and twisting itself into knots.

“Joel, uh-”

“Yes darlin’” he said, coaxing you gently to speak.

“I- uh. Shit.” you couldn’t do it, no matter how hard you tried you couldn’t say the words ‘Joel I’m pregnant.’

Joel could see that you weren't ready, but he wanted to give you the reassurance that you needed. He reached his hand out and gently placed it on your belly, on top of the little bump and said “I know mama, it's scary. You can tell me in your own time when you feel comfortable, yeah? Just know that no matter what, I love you.”

He gently kissed the top of your head, and with a smile he ushered you out towards the front desk. He sent you out to the car to relax as he squared away the fees for you being sick. When he got back into the car he groaned for a moment at the feeling of his back tightening up again.

“I don’t get how ya women think this is relaxin’.” He said, looking over at the salon as he put the car in reverse. “My back feels like it’s in a million more knots now. Shit.”

With a small smirk you said “Joys of deep tissue massage honey.”

“Yeah well, I feel like I went 20 rounds with that damn massage table. It kicked my ass good and hard too. This relaxin’ stuff is hard work hon.” Joel said, slightly groaning while having another back spasm.

“No, I just think it means that you're an old grumpy man,” you said, nonchalantly.

Joel was stopped at the light, waiting for it to turn green. He glanced over at you, eyes wide at your statement of him being an old grumpy man. “S’not funny babe,” he grumbled.

“Well honey, it's the truth” you whispered, as you softly kissed his cheek. “At least we know this still works” you added, giving him a playful bite to his ear as you gently cupped your husband's crotch. You palmed him for a moment and felt him slowly enlarge at your words.

“Does that feel good baby?” You asked in a sultry tone, as you slowly stroked your husband's cock through his jeans.

“Ya already know it does,” he said, in a husky voice.

You gave him one more chaste kiss and a firm squeeze before you removed your hand. As you slowly turned your head to look out the window you felt your husband's hand on your thigh. He was rubbing small soothing circles there. It was his way of reassuring you that he cared and was still here for you. You lightly grabbed his hand and placed it firmly against your lower tummy, humming as he began to stroke your little bump there too. You couldn't verbalize it to him yet, but this was your silent way of reassuring him that you were in fact pregnant.

Joel melted into this touch, the feel of your little bump, of his baby growing inside of you. This small simple measure finally calmed his fears. He knew that you loved him and that he loved you. No matter what he was going to be there for you and help you through this. Even though he was 52, and you were 37, and having an unexpected pregnancy was never ideal. Joel loved you and this little baby more than anything. As he silently rubbed your tummy he thought to himself everything is gonna be alright. And I can't believe that I'm gonna be a dad again ❤️

-End Part 3 Prologue-

A/N: More will come in the future with these two (proper chapters) as we take them through their pregnancy journey together. If you're interested in reading their origin story, make sure to check out the other series titled Love Never Fails coming out January 2024.

Taglist: @punkshort @shotgun-shelby @strawbunnyx @orcasoul @pedritoferg @chiogarza @jesfreedark @untamedheart81 @rainbow12346 @nandan11 @swiftpascal @eliza-8 @joeldjarin @vickie5446 @nastiasnow @staywildflowahchild @ratoonstown @l3lazeit @its-always-420-on-the-moon @kirsteng42

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4dkellysworld · 1 month

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hii how is your "journey " going? i would like the hear about your practice

Hey, I think it's going great! I feel really quite pleased with the present moment. Hmm in terms of practice, I prefer to see it as a way of being/living rather than practice as practice often comes with the view of being the doer practicing and often there's expectations of outcomes/results attached to it (although I had to start these off viewing it as a practice first until it became natural).

These are some of the things I do my best to practice/embody every moment of every day (not everything all at once but based on what feels right for each moment but overall they're things that I practice):

Being present and aware in the here and now without identifying as the doer

During moments where resistance/negativity/limitation come up and it can be a lot, I just allow myself to be still and let everything be. Then I do some sort of variant of this "exercise" I described in the second half of the response based on what feels right and appropriate in the moment

Always being aware of my state of being/consciousness and making it a priority to "manage" it (which includes 1. investigating and dropping any thoughts of limitation, lack or negativity that come up from daily life and recognizing that it is not me 2. choosing to see/feel/know what I prefer to see/feel/know myself, others and the world regardless of appearances and not allowing myself to feel limited to what is perceived by the senses including my own thoughts and perceptions of 'the past'. So for me, my preference is seeing these in everything: freedom, harmony, peace, love, kindness, abundance, wholeness, fulfillment. All that good stuff. I've dropped most attachments/desires of wanting those feelings to be fulfilled externally through symbols and I enjoy just being in the state of being with those essences)

Being patient, accepting, understanding, compassionate, non-judgmental and loving of myself as well as others (which includes seeing "others" as just different forms of myself). This also means allowing everything to be as it is in the world with acceptance and without caring to change it or feeling bothered by it. If I feel bothered by something, I recognize that it's a reflection of my own consciousness and if it feels right, I'll do what I mentioned in the above point to drop whatever underlying thoughts of limitation there are. Then I continue to see what I prefer without feeling the need to physically do anything about it. If I feel spontaneously inspired to do something, I'll take action though

Challenging myself to do things that I feel resistant, averse, fearful and/or limited in order to "break out of the matrix" (which is just the mind's own limiting programming lol). E.g. feel afraid of offending/hurting someone just by speaking up so you don't want to speak your truth even though you really do want to? Do it anyway cos unless you do something about those limiting beliefs/programs, they'll keep directing your life until you do - you get to decide when that stops. Recognize you can still act with love and speak your truth with tact.

Not labelling/defining/judging anything including my own thoughts, feelings as well as how things are or how things happen. If I do, I catch myself then let go of the labels/definitions/judgments.

Choosing to be free from expectations and focusing on being present and enjoying it

Minimizing my consumption of information and being discerning & mindful of what I do. Neither believing nor disbelieving anything I read or hear (including my own thoughts that pop up!), recognizing it's all subjective and I can choose to change my mind about anything whenever I want.

Trusting my Self above all and "doing" what feels right for each moment by allowing Self to lead the way

Things that naturally happened so far as a result of practicing (I won't talk about any manifestations but more the inner changes):

Peace! Lightness of being. It's amazing. The more you drop, the lighter and more spacious you feel. Just keep dropping everything :D

Acceptance, connection and love for my Self. When I started, there was a lot of judging myself and comparing myself to other people's experiences and progress (it's just all ego trying its best to do what it thinks is right) but now I'm just allowing and loving my own experience and presence, happy to just be and trusting that all is well. I don't see anyone as better than the other, ultimately we are all One.

My capacity to give, feel, be and accept love. It feels like several lifetimes ago now when I think back to the time before I started, I don't even identify with that person anymore but she used to feel a lot of lack when it came to love and seeing love in the world used to trigger her a lot, especially with jealousy but now I love seeing love in the world, like yes this is the world I prefer, where everyone is loving and kind to each other.

No longer feeling like I need to fit into other people's experiences on this path in order to feel validated as having 'progressed' enough. No longer feeling inferior (or superior!) to others. Being patient with myself (and others!) and accepting everything is perfect as it is, everyone's 'journey' is going to look a bit different and there's no one-size-fits-all in terms of approach or experiences.

Being "kind" and more selfless - old pre-ND Kelly was a bit of a people pleaser and liked to do kind things to be perceived as kind and nice but now I just do things just because and then when people say 'oh that's so kind of you!' I'm like oh really? Never thought that, all I did was consider things from their shoes and wanted them to benefit too. I guess being seen as 'kind' naturally happens when you see everyone as yourself, you want everyone to be well and happy (I guess also cos I stopped labelling and defining things in general)

Greater imperturbability and stillness within - there are things that would have really bothered past Kelly that genuinely now don't affect me mentally/emotionally in any way and when I recognize that, there's a bit of a 'hey that's cool'. That's real freedom and peace, to not be affected by externals and being able to remain centred in your own beingness.

I'm more 'forgiving' and I can let go of things a lot quicker and a lot more easily (in comparison to the past) even with things that can feel quite difficult

A naturally quiet and still mind!! I used to not like meditation but now it's the greatest thing.

Less and less thoughts and feelings of negativity, lack and limitation. More and more joy, love, gratitude, open spaciousness, peace and freedom.

Don't feel the desire or need to argue with other people, I don't need to prove myself in any way, they can think what they want.

I don't know if it's a downside (lol) but many of the things that past Kelly enjoyed for entertainment are no longer enjoyable to me. E.g. like reading about celebs, watching shows that don't have any deep messages or spirituality in them, even like tarot readings used to be for fun and nothing serious but they're not even fun anymore. Oh well lol

It's easier to observe things more objectively when thoughts come up and recognize them as limitations rather than spiral into a loop and get caught up in identifying with the narrative or thought train

It's possible I missed some things but that's all I can think of atm. I didn't focus on results and then reverse engineer what sort of practices I needed to have in order to get there, it was more picking what felt right for me then just doing them from the heart with sincerity and then changes happened on their own. I guess it's like when someone starts eating healthier and exercises out of enjoyment rather than focused on weight loss, they may eventually find they suddenly have a slimmer and healthier body, it was kinda like that when you enjoy the present moment. Like one day I just found the changes had happened and it feels like it's a daily thing where in a way, every moment of every day "you" (the concept/identity/ego, not the true changeless you) are dying and being reborn with every choice you make, every thought you choose to accept or let go of - it's all in the mind. Every moment is a new moment and you don't have to be limited to what you perceive as 'the past'.

But ultimately, I don't think of taking credit for any changes that happened to me. I feel like it was initiated by sincerity but the changes happened on their own because I got ego out of the way (through those practices) and allowed Self to shine through. (This is a realization I just had now while writing all this so thank you for asking! I don't really reflect much on my 'progress' so this has been nice lol)

#asks #diary

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arabellasleopardcoat · 7 months

Text

Pyrite - Final Chapter: Valonqar

Series Masterlist

Chapter Summary: Daemon gets to know the joys of quarantine and faces conflicting feelings in the hours after Otto's and Mellos’ execution.

Warnings: Execution (Via beheading) Mentions of abortion. Mentions of physical violence. Dub con (Reader is given a choice but due to the nature of the power imbalance between Daemon and her, she doesn't really have one)Implied smut. Unhappy ending for anyone except Viserys.

A/N: I am sorry to the requester, I deviated a bit. But we are done!!!!

Daemon grabbed you by the arm and dragged you towards his chambers. He was not happy about being on babysitting duty, but he knew it was the only thing they could do. Without his protection, you would not last a day out there. He had been able to read the truth from your face after just one conversation. Otto Hightower was much more shrewd than him, you would break in seconds.

He supposed Aemma could keep you in her rooms and prevent the scandal. But privately, Viserys had confessed he feared she had gone mad with grief. He did not trust her to be in the same room as you without clawing your eyes out. Daemon did not understand her actions, since you had tried to help her, but he wasn't a mother either. Aemma seemed traumatized by her child's death.

She cursed your name for having your letter arrive too late. Daemon was not a woman. Nor did he presume to know the mind of one, but it seemed a little unfair. You had looked out for her at your own risk, yet Aemma still wanted more.

Viserys could not keep you, either. He was too afraid for his reputation, now that he was about to become a King. What would people think of a servant girl being kept in his rooms?

He didn't admit it, of course, saying that he was only looking out for your honor, but Daemon could tell that Viserys lusted for the throne. Now that he was so close, that he had lost so much on his quest for it, he was not going to lose it for an insignificant girl.

If he truly cared for your reputation, Viserys would have never agreed to keeping you in Daemon's chambers. Who would marry you, after? Everyone knew what Daemon liked, after all. Young maidens, all soft limbs and cute little faces, all for him to ruin. What commoner would want you after being a Prince's whore?

He wasn't planning on touching you, at first. But the way you looked up at him, all frightened eyes, while sitting on one of his chairs, made his cock twitch with interest.

You were a pretty crier. It was something Daemon had noticed when you were discovered. Your eyes would get glassy, and your lower lip would stick out in the slightest pout. You looked good enough to eat.

He could not wait to see you cry on his cock. But if he acted too soon, you would hate him for it. And they needed to be in your good graces so you didn't do anything stupid on the trial.

It was going to be hard, Daemon thought, as he took a look at your face. Aemma had done a number on you, and his retrieval hadn't been entirely gentle either.

You sniffled, pitifully. Daemon kneeled in front of you with a sigh.

“Let me look at your head.”

You gave him a distrustful look.

“I am not going to hurt you. I want to tend to your injuries.” He explained, patiently.

“For some reason, I don't believe you.” You frowned. “Give me a cloth and I can do it myself, Prince Daemon.”

Daemon fought the urge to laugh. Who did you think you were, ordering him around? Instead, he grabbed a cloth and a pitcher of water, and brought them over to you.

You wiped your hands and face with it. Daemon watched, aware that you would not be able to clean the wound on your head on your own. You tried regardless, dabbing a clean cloth over your scalp, trying to reach blindly for the spot that was oozing blood.

He kept his eyes on you, not interfering until you were visibly frustrated.

“Do you need help?”

“No.” You glared, rubbing at your scalp harshly. Daemon stepped closer and took the cloth from you, ignoring your indignant squeaks. He assessed the damage to the back of your skull.

Your hair, braided back as it was, was matted with blood. He was unable to see much, but it seemed to have stopped flowing.

“I will unbraid your hair to look at the wound.” Daemon warned, and started taking your braid apart.

You went very still on your chair, as he untangled sticky hair strands from each other. Your braid was simple, but well constructed. It was clear that you knew quite a bit about how to do your own hair, considering the softness of it. It didn't feel like the hair of any other commoner Daemon had ever felt before. A shame it was caked in blood. He would have to ensure you got a bath soon.

As he parted your hair, shifting it in different directions, he noticed the small laceration on your skull. Nothing was showing through it, not even bone. Daemon knew that was a good sign. It was sizable enough to merit stitches, though.

“I will need to sew this. Do you need milk of the poppy?” He asked, as he went to collect thread and needle from his vanity. A Maester should be the one doing this, and he doubted he had the necessary qualifications to do so, but at the moment, Daemon had no other choice. He didn't trust anyone.

“Do you even know how to sew wounds, my Prince?” You asked, looking at him over your shoulder. It was a fair question, had he not been a squire a few years back. Daemon had earned his knighthood not so long ago, and he still vividly remembered his training.

“I am a knight, girl.” Daemon rolled his eyes. It wasn't as if he styled his name with the title, like some other cunts did, but he still was one. “Do you know what that means?”

“That you are supposed to uphold your oaths, my Prince?” And oh, how sweet. You truly were a naive little thing. It was no wonder you had charged into danger as you had, if you still believed in that bullshit. To Daemon, knights were just like any other men. No more honorable nor more just. Oaths could be broken, after all.

“Yes. But also that I was a squire. I have sewn a few wounds before, including my own.” But never a head wound, he thought to himself. Ah, what you did not know wouldn't hurt you. If he told you, you would insist on a Maester. Daemon couldn't risk it. No one could know you were here.

“I rather be awake, my Prince.”

“Suit yourself.” He stepped behind you and pressed down on your nape, getting you to lower your head. Daemon made sure you were still before starting sewing.

With each pass of the needle, you tensed more. It was a foolish thing to do, only increasing your pain.

“Don't tense. The pain is worse like that.” He advised, and kept at it. You obeyed, forcing your body to relax. It still looked like you were sitting rigidly on the chair, but you weren't clenching your jaw any longer.

As Daemon progressed, he kept a close eye on your reactions. Knuckles turning white against the armchair, breath coming out in pained little sounds. But no tears fell. Had you cried them all already? Or were you too proud to show your pain to him?

With you unmoving, it was not difficult to finish your stitches. He took a step back, admiring the white thread decorating your skull. It contrasted harshly against the red of your blood. Daemon felt oddly proud of it.

“You can have the bed tonight.” He grumbled, annoyed. Why did he feel the need to help you, suddenly? Playing nice was one thing, but why was he feeling bad? It had only been a hit to the back of the head. He had done much worse when dueling men. Drew more blood, severed more limbs. Even took their lives.

But you were a woman. A girl, really. Around his age, and vulnerable to the world. It felt uncomfortably like hurting a child. Why? What made you special? He had taken quite a few maidenheads already, and not even then he had felt like this. You looked like a wounded bird.

“What if I get blood on your sheets?”

“The servants are used to it.” The joke felt flat on his tongue. He gave you a wink, but his heart wasn't in it. Daemon could not stand another second in this room with you, reeking of pain and staring at him with those betrayed eyes. Better to head out and hit the city. He needed to numb himself. And by the time you were up, he would just be getting in.

Daemon allowed you to exist undisturbed in his room for almost a week. He provided water for you to bathe, and fresh clothes for you to change into. The routine stayed the same. He went out at night, and you slept in his bed. When you woke, you had to get out of it and entertain yourself so he could sleep.

He usually enjoyed a night out. But the constant whoring and drinking was beginning to tire him, especially since it was affecting his training. There were only so many brothels he could visit before noticing he was unsatisfied with the stock their carried because not one of them looked like you.

Ugh. The urge to fuck you was messing with his head, making him unfocused. Daemon had actually lost a sparring match this week, but he was unsure if it was from a lack of sleep or being plagued by thoughts of you.

He needed to get you out of his system. He had enough. You no longer looked like a wounded little bird. It was time to make his move.

That night, Daemon decided to skip the brothels. He sat on his bed, freshly bathed after training, and just watched you stew.

You were sitting on a pillow in the corner of his room, some books spread out around you. They were part of his small collection on Valyrian herbs. You were wearing your night shift already, and sneaking glances at him every few minutes.

He was breaking your unspoken arrangement, you sure thought. Daemon was supposed to leave so you could sleep. A shame it was not happening tonight.

“Girl.” He said, once he had enough of watching you squirm. “Pour me a glass of wine.”

You looked at him. You gave an annoyed little huff. Even if you did not dare voice it, Daemon could see the protest in your eyes. You were not used to serving men, from what he could tell. Nor were you used to serving wine. You thought yourself above those tasks, one of those fancy handmaidens that only brush hair and run baths.

And it showed. Sure, you were tidy and didn't make a mess of his rooms, but you didn't help either. You had not reached for a broom in your whole stay, or dusted anything. If he wasn't a tidy person, the place would be as unsanitary as a cheap brothel.

It had never bothered him before, not being able to call for a servant to clean his rooms. But it now did. He tried not to think very hard about why that was. It didn't mean anything. Your presence did not upset him. He was just bothered by the fact that you were like a leech.

Daemon had no use for you. His space was being invaded by a girl with unsettling eyes, who acted as if this was her prison and did not contribute at all. Anyone would be bothered by it. Right?

Anyone would be done with it. Daemon would rather behead Otto and end it all. But apparently, you could not just behead one of your subjects, or everyone started talking about Maegor the cruel.

“I do not have any use for a commoner.” Daemon stated, plainly. He advanced towards you, grasping your chin in his hand. “Do you understand what will happen to you if I kick you out?”

“I'll die.” Your voice shook. Daemon scowled. He didn't like the thing that you were doing with your eyes.

“Then you best try to please me, right?” He ran his thumb over your cheek. “Wouldn't want me to hand you over.”

You shook your head. You went and poured him his wine.

“I don't like your eyes.” Daemon said, impatiently. “Try to smile more.”

You gave him a weak smile. It set the tone for the rest of your interactions. You were a clumsy cup bearer, and took badly to sleeping on the floor. Daemon had to constantly snap at you to wipe the sad look from your face. It looked ugly, and the only good thing you had to your favor were your looks. That was why his stomach twisted when he caught you thinking of home or your family.

When the day of the trial came, you looked relieved. You managed to give your testimony without any issue, and his grandfather ruled in their favor. Aemma gets her revenge, with the King allowing Viserys to bring the head of Ser Otto and Mellos to his wife. He can't bring himself to do it, so it's Daemon who swings the sword instead.

Otto Hightower kneels for his execution with great grace. He sends Daemon a glare, but doesn't say a word. Mellos, on the other hand, screams and pleads all the way up the steps to the block.

Daemon gets a sick sort of satisfaction when he sees them both kneeling at his feet. Is this what being King feels like? He wonders, as he shares a secret smile with Aemma, who stands in the first row of the crowd. The power to hurt those who have wronged you.

Next to Aemma, you stand. You look pale and fidgety, but the grip she has in your arm prevents you from escaping. It's only fair, she had said, that you get to witness the King's justice you helped bring. You don't seem excited about it.

“Any last words?” Daemon asks, as he unsheathes Dark Sister.

“Please, don't, this has been a mistake!” Mellos screams. Daemon waits patiently. When nothing more than incoherent sobs come out from his mouth, Daemon glances up at his grandfather.

King Jaehaerys looks grim, but determined. He nods. Daemon takes Mellos’ head with one clean swoop of his sword. The head rolls into the basket with straw, preventing the blood from running everywhere. The eyelids still move. The crowd gasps, and Daemon feels strangely empty.

“I am ready for my last words now.” The Hightower cunt says, with a firm voice. Daemon can't help be both annoyed and impressed by it. Most men, like Mellos, would be shitting themselves in fear. But Ser Otto remains calm and regal, even when he knows he is about to face death.

“Speak.”

“Good pious people, I have come here to die, for according to the law and by the law I am judged to die. I do not wish to accuse any man or woman, for if the King says I am to die, I shall. I only ask that my actions are judged fairly in the years to come, and no harm comes to my family. Let it not be that the crimes of the father follow the son. I take my leave of this world and ask you to pray for me. To the Seven I commend my soul, please, Stranger, have mercy on me.”

And maybe it was the hypocritical speech, or the fact that Otto Hightower was the mastermind behind the plot to hurt his family, but this time Daemon swing his sword with much more force than necessary. The head rolls out of the box and into the crowd, falling near the first row, among horrified screams.

Right at your feet.

You turned and left. And Daemon stood, with his bloodied sword, still near the executioner's block.

There is a feast after. One that you are not allowed to attend. Nothing so crass as to celebrate the death of the two criminals, but rather, the settling of the succession issue. The plot, even if it had to do nothing with Rhaenys, had been damaging enough to doom her hopes of being Queen.

It is then, high on victory and still wearing a dirtied sword, that Daemon decides to use his power over you. It's not a conscious choice. There is something in him that broke tonight, something to do with a severed head and your look of disgust, and the cheers of Aemma and Viserys. It's something about feeling empty, when having the world at his fingertips.

He is soon to be the Prince of Dragonstone. With Viserys lack of heirs, he might even become King one day, if he doesn't set aside Aemma and finds himself a younger wife.

Daemon wonders if Aemma realizes how precarious her position has turned, now that she got her revenge. If she had kept quiet, if she had let Rhaenys get the Iron Throne, her position would be secure. The Arryns would not allow Viserys to put her aside.

But now, that her husband will be King, she will never be safe. Queens fall every day, as Rhaenys has learned. It seems it is time for Aemma to learn that lesson.

You are packing your things when he gets there. Clothes and a small collection of trinkets from the time you had spent by his side. It enrages him. You can't leave. Not when you are the only person who can understand what these weeks have been like. The only one who knows exactly the kind of monster Viserys has turned him into.

“Where are you going?” It comes out more aggressive than he intends to, but you no longer cower at his voice.

“I don't know.” You meet his eyes and keep your voice soft. “Away, my Prince.”

“No, you are not.” Daemon orders, and leaves Dark Sister laying on the rug. The blood rusts the blade, but what does it matter, at this point? If you are leaving, he can call a maid tomorrow. If you are not, everyone can know you as his whore. “Pour me some wine.”

You obey, in silence. Your hands shake slightly.

“Pour yourself a cup, too.” Daemon says, patting the space by his side. You sit, very stiffly.

“Well done.” Daemon says. You give him a little nod. “Now take your dress off.”

“Excuse me?” You jump up so fast, you might as well have never been sitting. Your hands ball by your side, an indignant expression clear on your face.

“Come on, girl. You are not that stupid.” Daemon rolls his eyes. He has protected you for nearly a fortnight, let you take his bed and food and not even once touched you. He killed a man today who would have crushed you like a worm. No one else would want you after this, no one else would understand you. “You owe me a great debt. What other use could I have for a commoner?”

“I can pay my debt in other ways.” You protest, and go back to gathering your things.

Daemon laughs. It sounds broken to his own ears, cruel and shrill. You turn to face him, noticing the difference in tone. Yet, he is not deterred, even when he barely recognizes the cruel tone he is speaking in.

“Yes. You can. I think you would make a fine dragon keeper. You have little skill for anything else, but anyone can shovel shit. I think five years of that would be a fair trade.”

“Or I could just go.” You threaten.

“You could.” And get yourself murdered in the process because there is no way Viserys and him are letting you walk away with all you have learned in your stay with them. And if they don't get you, sickness and famine might. As the northerners say, winter is coming.

“Princess Aemma…” And it’s only then that Daemon gets fed up. You think Aemma out of all people will protect you? Aemma? Has he been doing such a shitty job of it?

“Aemma said I had to protect you. She did not say I couldn't have you.”

“I…” You start, but Daemon is too desperate to care about how cruel he is starting to sound.

“You should hope her reach doesn't go far, as the Queen of the Seven Kingdoms. Tell me, how much do you have? Enough to buy passage into Essos?”

“I'll stay.” You untie your dress, with tear filled eyes. It falls to your hips. Daemon rushes to you like a man possessed. The urge to own, claim, to keep, is too strong to resist.

He wastes no time in burrowing himself in your skin, your hair, carving a place for himself inside you. He is a monster. And intends on devouring you whole.

His love will strangle you until nothing is left. Maybe one day you will be his Queen if Viserys doesn't leave Aemma. By then, you will be just like him.

He kisses down your throat, and lowers a hand between your thighs.

“Stay.” Daemon says, and it feels like the first link on the chain. “Stay.” Muttered between your thighs, as he drowns himself on you.

“Stay.” As your blood stains his shaft, and you moan, confused by whatever you are feeling. As your hips meet his, as you are desperate to choke, to die in his hands.

“I'll stay.” You whisper back, coming down for your high, and the lock clicks.

Has really a key been thrown away if no one hears the sound it makes as it falls?

134 notes · View notes

lemonmaid · 9 months

Text

Also for some reason I cannot edit on the app? Nor on the website, so please work with me here, sorry about the confusing layout, I know I hate it too.

“I don't need you hovering”.

(name) glared at Xiao, who was literally watching (Name) as a hawk as he tried to feed their four year old pup.

“Ah!!”

(Name) resumed his attention onto Yuen, who was glaring at the two for interrupting his feeding, “Oh I know buddy, Dada can be so mean”.

“He is four, I think he can feed himself”.

(Name) rolled his eyes, “I'm still cutting up his food for him, he could literally-”.

“Let me do it”. Xiao gently moves (Name) over to cut up Yuen's food.

(Name) silently seething; his scent souring,”I'm pregnant not incapable” he mumbles.

(Name) was only six months pregnant, not too far into his pregnancy but not too far away from giving birth. Did he appreciate Xiao's helpfulness? Of course, some omegas would be delighted to have a mate so helpful and understanding as Xiao. Xiao was very experienced in the field, having a pup, Yuen, before meeting (Name) with a one night stand.

(Name) excuses himself from the room to finish getting ready for the day. Looking at the bathroom mirror, his stomach barely dropped, perks of being a male omega.

“You should be getting bigger soon”.

(Name)’s eye twitched, “Wow… Thanks”.

Was Xiao a great mate? Of course! (Name) couldn't be happier, but it's Xiaos overbearing that got (Name), it's ‘You're doing that wrong’, ‘no let me help’, ‘you shouldn't pick up Yuen’. It was very exhausting.

Xiao was dressed in his work clothing holding Yuen who was ready for school, hence the yellow bucket hat and blue school uniform. “Yuen say bye to Papa”.

“Bye-bye!!” Yuen does the kiss motion towards (Name).

“Are you going to be okay going to University today? I don't want you walking that far-”

“Again, pregnant, not broken, anyways I was going to pick up groceries after class”. (Name) gave the two a quick hug and the two goodbye.

“And then he tells me “yoU ShOUld bE geTTinG biGGeR sOOn” like fuck off please, I understand that he is trying to help but, it's overwhelming! I can do things by myself! I'm a big boy!”. (Name) ran to his father-in-Law, Zhongli, who was his Political Science professor.

(Name) usually got to school early to help Zhongli set up the classroom, but that was both of their excuse to gossip.

Zhongli watched the younger omega scrub the chalkboard harshly, putting his hand gently on the younger male’s shoulder, “Maybe see it from his perspective… when Xiao was… Expecting, he was alone, besides from me and his step father, think of it as he doesn't want you to feel alone. Also culturally speaking, he the rest of his siblings were raised that a pregnant omega shouldn't be do anything but resting, so this is a change for him as well”.

(Name) snickered at the memories from early into his pregnancy, how Xiao told him not to rub his stomach often or the pup will end up being spoiled or how when he came back from night school, Xiao lit sages around the house.

“Just communicate with him”. Zhongli said with a soft smile on his face.

After class was done for the day the two omegas walked home together.

“Hmmm, what is for dinner tonight (Name)?”.

(Name) hummed, “I've been craving some Tangbao, the big ones, no, bigger”. (Name) drooled at the thought of a hot doughy, chewy, flavor filling bun in his stomach, the thought earned a kick from the pup inside of him.

As the two walked into the shared home space, the aroma of dinner hit their noses.

“Papa!!”

Yuen ran up to (Name) and Zhongli, giving the two a giant hug, or as big his small arms could.

“Hello to you too Yuen, I trust you've been a good boy for your fathers?” Zhongli said as he patted the boy's head.

Yuen nodded his head, grabbing Zhongli’s hand, “come! I wanna show you! My book!”.

(Name) took his shoes off carefully before stepping up stairs to join the family in the living space, (Name) drooled at the thought of dinner.

It wasn't too abnormal for Xiao to be cooking but usually (Name) to cook.

(Name) slouched down into the comfortable recliner in the corner of the room, waiting for dinner, closing his eyes, listening to Yuen speak his mind to his grandfather.

“this is! Uncle… Bo-sac-i-us!”

“That's a very good illustration, young one, who's that right there?”

“That's my new baby sister!”

“Oh, you're sister?”

“Mhm! Papa said he thinks it's a girl and Dada says Papa is always right”.

(Name) smiled fondly.

“Dinner everyone” Xiao spoke softly, taking in (Name)’s tired form.

The table was set up neatly, dinner looked perfect, it was almost like a mutton hot pot.

“Now Yuen, do you want to eat with a fork or your training chopsticks?”.

“I wanna practice!!”.

(Name) looked at the food in awe, but his hormone pregnancy brain nagged at the thought that this wasn't what he wanted, but the food looked so good at the sametime.

“Are you okay (Name)?” Xiao whispered.

(Name) started grabbing greens and beef and putting into his bowl, “I'm- fine”.

Xiao didn't press any further, picking up food and putting it onto Yuens and (Name)’s bowls.

Dinner was calm, well, for everyone else. (Name) was quietly seething, he felt guilty about it though, he didn't mean to feel this way but he can't help it, pregnancy brain.

“Yuen, make sure grandpa sees his way out the door”.

“Yes dada!!”.

(Name) helped collect dishes to put in the sink.

“Are you sure you're okay? Your scent is off”.

(Name) finally quietly broke down, “I wanted Tangbao for dinner, not a hotpot meal, I hate that you do things for me, I hate how I can't go anywhere without you hovering! I'm sorry! I'm just overwhelmed!”.

(Name) quietly sobbed into his mate's chest.

Xiao rubbed (Name)’s back, leading the omega up the stairs to their share bedroom.

“I'll be back, let me finish cleaning and get Yuen to bed”.

Xiao was gone for 40 minutes, giving (Name) time to breathe and calm down. When Xiao came back, he had a small plate of melons and tea with him.

“I'm sorry”.

(Name) took the plate, calming down, “was this the good melon?”.

“The one that's been in the freezer since New Years”.

(Name) hummed, “I forgive you, for now”.

Xiao chuckled, massaging (Name)’s swollen legs, “I mean it. I'm sorry. I wasn't aware of your feelings. That makes me a bad mate”.

(Name) sighed, “You're not a bad mate, you..just… are not emotionally self aware sometimes”.

Xiao nodded, “I'll work on it, I'll do better”

“I appreciate that”.

A small knock on the door interrupted the two. “Papa, can I sleep with you?”.

The two omegas smiled softly, “Yes Yuen, give us a minute to get change. We'll come get you”.

#genshin xiao #xiao x reader #omega xiao #omega reader #omega male reader #genshin impact x reader #gensnin impact x male reader #genshin impact omegaverse #xiao x male reader

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autistichalsin · 2 months

Note

Im super shy so I'm asking anonymously but I know you're The (tm) Halsin fan, so I have a genuine question about the depiction of Halsin as polyamorous vs wanting open relationships:

I always thought poly relationships were relationships were all the partners love each other/are into each other/active in the relationship and so on, but with the exception of Shadowheart, who has a few comments about Halsin, neither Astarion nor Karlach seem interested? Especially Karlach - she specifically says she wants to hear nothing of it. This was something that always kind of irked me because I was expecting more reciprocation from the other partners too, or am I understanding wrong? I'm curious to hear your thoughts, especially seeing as I'm aroace myself and not interested in being in a relationship, but I DO want to write them, including polyamory. So I guess I'm asking for education akdjfjskwjd. Am I nitpicking or taking stuff too literally? I'm autistic so that's something I catch myself with wkejfhsshhwjs Either way, love your blog!

Aww, that is sweet to say, anon!

Don't worry about asking for clarification- we all have to learn.

The answer is that no, that isn't the only form of poly. Having shared hookups is a form of poly. Open relationships are poly. Throuples/polycules are poly. Swinging is poly. Open triangles are poly.

For the record, though, Karlach and Astarion ARE very interested in Halsin. Astarion specifically needs more time to heal first, but has multiple lines saying he trusts Halsin not to harm him (the reason he refuses a poly relationship with Shadowheart is that she has no experience; when accepting Halsin, he specifically says Halsin has experience with the relationship). It's definitely a case of not being ready to join in himself, but being okay with his partner seeing Halsin- which is valid. Karlach is a little more complicated, because there is much more of a case for her being uncomfortable than for Astarion or Shadowheart- BUT I always interpreted it more as her saying she wasn't sure of her feelings on poly yet because her engine took up more of her time. She says that if there was to be someone more, Halsin would be it- but that's not where her head is at "right now." It sounds to me like in an ideal world where she had time, she might very well decide she wanted it. Ironically, out of all the three, Karlach has the BEST case for "not into it" and yet also the fewest people coming to her defense a la Astarion.

So, you'd be right in saying this wasn't a throuple, because all of them are only open triangles (and you're right in being sad because I'd love to see Shadowheart or Astarion or Karlach sharing kisses with Halsin). But you'd be wrong to say it wasn't polyamory, because it very much is a form of poly. Basically, it's a rectangle/square situation: all throuples/polycules are poly, but not all poly is throuples/polycules.

#halsin #halsin silverbough #bg3 #baldur's gate 3

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hyakinthou-naos · 3 months

Note

Hey, hope this is ok. I need some reassurance.

I've never felt a God's presence (except a vague warmth/peace when meditating about them sometimes I guess), much less talked directly to them (as in hearing them answer) and with so many people, esp on tiktok and here, talking like they have a private relationship with the Gods, a close friendship, even dating I just... I feel lesser I guess? Like so many people were chosen but not me and that must be a problem on my part. Like the Gods prefer everyone else over me. Like I'm not doing enough, even though I'm doing what I manage to do, given my limitations. I'm jealous of people who do communicate directly to the Gods. Part of me doubts them but part wants to believe them because it would be so shitty to lie about something like this and I don't want to believe these people are shitty. I don't believe non harmful hallucinations are all that common either, which would be the other explanation.

From what I understand you don't have this kind of direct communication either and I wanted to ask - how do you prevent yourself from feeling bad seeing all these people who (claim they) do?

I'm struggling here :( It's already hard for me to keep a consistent practice because of executive dysfunction and chronic illness and other stuff and this makes it harder. Feeling like I'll never be at everyone else's level of connection makes it harder.

Sorry for the vent-ish ask. You don't need to answer but I'm already glad if you read. Thank you.

Dear Anon,

Thank you for your ask, I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling. I want to tell you right off the bat that you are not lesser than any other worshipper - you are not less preferable to The Gods - and you should not feel any guilt around your spiritual/religious experiences. I would like to say the following to you, but also to the wider HelPol/Pagan community:

PLEASE Do Not Trust Spiritual Influencers on TikTok.

I cannot claim to know the legitimacy or the intentions/motivations behind every individuals actions regarding divine experiences, but I can say with confidence that most of the spiritual content on TikTok is dripping with lies and exaggerations.

Now, as someone with a mental health degree (I don't talk about my education often but I do have a bachelor's in Social Work and a minor in Psychology) I can also say with confidence that just because someone is lying doesn't mean they're necessarily a "bad person" but you don't have to be a "bad person" to have bad motivations.

Bad Motivations Can Include:

Lying for Financial Gain: This could be selling a product, selling a service, or trying to monetize on being an "influencer".

Lying for Attention: Many people do not have supportive friends, families, or communities - so as a maladaptive coping mechanism they will lie to get the attention they are lacking in their personal life.

Lying for Prestige: Some people don't feel important in their own lives, so they will lie so that other people will think that they are important.

Lying for Fun: In the age of the internet, the ability to make others believe something you know to be false can give someone an adrenaline or a dopamine rush. This is why "trolling" is still so popular.

And, not a "motivation", but still an explanation of why someone might "lie":

Mental Health Concerns: This could be a severe mental illness, a delusion, a hallucination, or conditioning from trauma.

People are weird and wonderful and diverse - and that diversity includes people who will lie (consciously or not) for a variety of reasons.

I speak about this openly as you mentioned, but I do not - nor have I ever - had any direct communication from any entity, deity, or spirit. Everything I know about my Gods (outside of myth, tradition, and history) I have learned through divination, ritual, and intuition.

Answering how I prevent myself from feeling bad when I see so many people "experiencing" something I can't - is a little bit complicated.

When I began my journey into paganism 11 years ago, TikTok didn't exist - Instagram was only 2 years old - and Tumblr had been around for a little under 5 years. My early knowledge came, mostly, from books. I wasn't comparing my experiences to those of others - because the only "others" I could compare myself to were limited to one high-school friend and the authors of the books I read. That kind of experience as a modern pagan doesn't really exist anymore because of how much the world has changed, but I wish it did. So, by the time I got to where I am now, the idea of comparing myself to others was so foreign. And as someone who grew up with the early internet - I learned very quickly that very little online is 100% real and truthful.

If you want to connect with your deities in an honest way that also feels real - you might enjoy trying one of the following (some of these might sound silly and/or childish - but if you truly want to grow as a pagan, you must throw away the idea that childish = bad):

Go outside at night and spin, put your arms out wide and spin and spin until you're dizzy (but not sick). Then lie down on the ground and close your eyes. That whirring sensation? That unreality of gravity? That is the Earth. That is Gaia. That is Demeter.

Listen to the rainfall on a stormy night. Sit somewhere you can hear the drops hitting the ground. Look and wait for a flash of lighting. The following thunder, that sound that you can feel in your bones that makes you jump, That is Zeus.

Write a letter to a friend, or to a loved one, or even to yourself in the future. Pay attention to how emotions become thoughts, thoughts become words, and words become writing. Communication - Language - Thought. That is Hermes.

I could go on- but at the end of the day, people are going to tell you that The Gods are "otherworldly"; but they're wrong. The Gods are of this world - The Gods are this world.

I hope that some of this has helped?

Eirene, peace and farewell,

- Aön

#helpol #hellenic polytheism #textpost #ask #asks #asks answered

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fuxuannie · 1 year

Note

hello! i’ve been binge reading your works so far and i really like your character voicelines series, i think it’s always neat to have mechanics of the game in fanfiction. could i request the same voice lines prompt for luocha and caelus? if you only do one character per request, then just luocha. thank you, and i hope you have a nice day/night!

↳ pairing : (seperate) luocha and caelus x gender neutral reader

↳ synopsis : voicelines about his dearest lover ♡

↳ authors note : seems like everyone likes the voicelines series o_o spooky!

— About Lover

☆☆ “I consider myself a very lucky man with a very wonderful partner. Many think that my line of work is.. a little strange. However they have not once questioned me nor what I do. A heart as pure and full of trust.. made to love me? Who wouldn't be lucky to have someone like that, someone like (name)?”

— About Lover : Jealous

☆☆ "It's quite cute seeing them jealous. I mean, It's not as if I intentionally make them jealous, in fact, I constantly reassure them that they are the only one that gets to hold my heart and call it theirs. But it is entertaining to watch them glare at anyone whos gaze lingers far too long on me.”

— Luocha’s Troubles

☆☆ "My lover is a very impulsive adventurer. It worries me greatly whenever they return home with several wounds and blood dripping from their body. sigh They're lucky that I am always more than prepared to take care of them.”

— Something To Share

☆☆ "I met (name) after I was on a stroll and so happened to find them injured and need of dire assistance. Of course, naturally I had helped them since I had the herbs and such to make a remedy for their wounds but.. after that they kind of followed me around as if they owed me their life? I mean, I'm not exactly against it as it brought me to the lovely marriage that I'm in now. chuckle ”

— Interesting Things : Scent

☆☆ "(name) oddly likes my perfume. It's very endearing to have them tell me that they wear one of my many extra coats, spray it with perfume and sleep in it. I do not mind, as I understand that absence can be suffocating, but it's just a little cute.”

— Against his Lover

☆☆ "I promise that I won't lay a hand on you. I promise that if anything happens, I will take care of you. Nothing will stop me.”

— About Lover

☆☆ “If I had to name someone that has been through the most while dealing with me, March's and Dan Hengs shenanigans.. I'd definitely say my partner (name) has gone through the worse! laugh They're very patient with me though, surprised they haven't tried to tackle me out of pure frustration!”

— About Lover : Interested?

☆☆ "Oh? Why are you asking about them all of a sudden? You have quite the keen eye, but they're taken so- Oh.. Wait. Sorry, no idea you were just looking for them haha.. awkward laughter”

— Caelus’ Troubles

☆☆ "I don't get it! How does (name) do my hair so perfectly?! Usually they'd be the one styling it for the day, but they're on a mission and I'm not allowed to disturb..”

— Something To Share

☆☆ "(name) was actually the one who found me, and brought me to safety. I think I kind of owe them a lot for it.. hehe..”

— Interesting Things : Missing Clothes?

☆☆ "My jackets been going missing every time I wake up.. and it's coincidentally always wrapped around my partners figure while they sleep. chuckle They're so cute.”

— Against his Lover

☆☆ "Promise not to hate me after, okay?! I'll try my best to not hurt you!"

#˚₊· ͟͟͞➳❥ bailu's candy stash #honkai star rail x reader #hsr x reader #caelus x reader #caelus hsr x reader #luocha hsr x reader #luocha x reader

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devilishchaos · 1 year

Text

THE { } AND | Rúben Dias Imagine

Rating / genre: interview?, conversation

Pairings: Reader x Rúben Dias

Summary: Y/N and Rúben play a card game and answer questions about each other. Basically admiration to one another.

Warnings: not really an Imagine; first pov; mention of death; it's fluff I think, like it's soft and brings Y/N and Rúben together idk I'm trying something new

Word Count: 1 475 words

This is a work of fiction. The story, names, characters and incidents either are product or the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Walking into the room I admired the set that the crew had put together. I went around the table that was in the middle and sat down in a chair on the left, while Rúben sat beside me in a different chair, to my right.

“You ready?” he asked me after we were mic'd up and ready to go, then grabbed my hand, knowing that I get nervous when someone is filming me. Although I knew what I was getting myself into when we decided that we were going to start dating. I mean this kind of stuff comes with dating a celebrity right?

“Yeah.”

“Are you okay with doing this?”

“Rúben, I am here. If I wasn’t okay with any of this I wouldn’t be here, no?”

“Okay baby, let’s do this!” He smiles.

“Okay guys, you know the drill. Y/N will ask Rúben the questions off her cue cards, Rúben you will ask Y/N the questions off your cue cards and you have to answer the questions about the other person. We begin rolling in 3, 2, 1..” the director said and the cameras began rolling.

“Hello guys, it’s Rúben here. I am here with Y/N, my girlfriend..”

“Hello.”

“..and today we will be playing THE { } AND card game in this creative studio, exploring human emotion, intimacy and connection.” Rúben said and looked in my direction, which meant that it was time for my line.

I took a deep breath and just said it.

“Each one of us has their cue cards. Mine consist of questions for Rúben, Rúben’s cards consist of questions for me to answer. And we will be answering them in front of you guys. Who is going to start first?” I looked at Rúben and he suggested that I do.

“Okay. First question Rúbes. Describe the moment you realized you could trust me.” I read the question out loud and placed my card on the table.

“Okay, so..just when you were there for me, I mean, without me asking, without anything..just how much I could tell you loved me by the way you handled me when I didn’t know what was going on, what to do and which direction to take.” Rúben answered and here we were on the first question and there were tears in my eyes already. “There's that. My turn. What does my love feel like? ”

“Oh wow..” I was taken aback “..what does your love feel like? Hmm..your love is intense and hard..you love hard to the point where I’m like “Let me breathe.” but at the same time it’s so warm and..safe. It makes me relax. You know?” and he just nodded his head. “What is a pain in me you wish you could heal?”

“The loss of your grandfather..” the moment he said that sentence, it felt like the air had been sucked out of my lungs because he knows how I feel about that.

“I really do. But I know I never could heal it. What I want you to do is to heal it yourself, because no one can heal your pain..I know this was before my time. Before me and you got together, so I can’t tell you he died of his sickness nor that he wasn’t murdered by accident..but baby there’s nothing that you could have done to help him, you’ve seen his state..” Rúben stopped for a second and reached for my face to wipe a couple of tears because by now the tears were falling freely. Then he continued

“I don't think anybody comes back from losing someone that they love deeply. But if I could, I'll take that pain away. I'll take your pain because I can deal with that pain. You understand what I’m saying? Because you already know how I deal with hurt. I don't let it kill me because I think that's what you're supposed to do. You're supposed to take your lessons, whether it’s good or bad, whether it’s a loss or a gain. You just gotta take it and learn how to live with it, because that's yours and it's never going to go away. But I just want you to learn how to live with that wound without letting it consume you.”

And with that I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding and started fanning my face a bit. God, I was probably red as a tomato in the face.

“You good? Should we continue?” Rúben asked me with concern.

“Yeah, yeah..I’m good. Ask me.” I gave him a smile.

“When do you feel closest to me?”

“When we cuddle.” I let out a giggle “I mean it’s a specific type of a cuddle. So like during the day if we cuddle it’s usually on the couch or on a chair outside in the garden. And most of the time it’s you laying down and me attached to you like a koala or something, and I put my head on your chest and yeah. I love that. But I feel closest to you at night or after a hard time that I was going through, with work or uni, when we spoon..and I am the little spoon..and I just I don’t know what is it but my head fits perfectly on your shoulder and it’s so comfy..you embrace me with both hands and your head is really close to mine..it’s the best, honestly.”

“Really? I didn’t know that. We should do it more often.”

“Yes. So Rúben, how am I most like you and how does that scare you? What a great question.”

“It’s very simple. You are indefatigably honest. You reek of integrity and that scares me I guess, because that’s a holy grail for me. I can’t stand the emotional cowardness that people showcase these days.”

“The same goes to you, babe.”

“Okay. Y/N. When do you worry about me the most?”

“Well, when you’re being too harsh on yourself. When you’re struggling or going through a hard time with work, family or me. Makes me feel helpless..and on that note it’s going to sound cliche but also when you go on the pitch. I feel like that implies to everybody who has such dynamic jobs. But like it’s not you who I am concerned about..well it’s you but what I mean is you are probably the most diplomatic person that I know. And I know you, and I know you would never start shit first. You know what I mean? It’s the other players that I don’t trust, because I’ve seen horrific things happen out there. You are usually the first one to try to stop a fight or whatever, but I am afraid that someone would purposefully hurt you or injure you, or try to provoke you. These thoughts alone make me anxious. I sometimes can't wait to hear the final whistle, no matter if you're losing or winning, if there are more than five yellow cards given - I'm on the edge the whole time and I want it to be over with..Well would you look at this Rú, last question. When do you think I need you most and are you there?”

“A tough one. Hmm..I think you need me most when you are not feeling well. Mentally, emotionally and physically. I think I am there. I feel like I am there, If I can be there I am. And even if I almost can’t be there, I find a way to be there with you. Through whatever it is that you're going through. And it’s hard because you require alone time. And I respect that and I give it to you, well I try to but I know you..you'll most likely overthink everything and knowing that you are restless and in distress makes me go crazy..Now, your last question Y/N. When are you the most in love with me?”

“Oh my God..when you are surrounded by family and friends. Doesn’t matter if your parents come to visit us in Manchester or we go to Portugal. That’s when you are completely relaxing. As I said before, you are very intense, passionate, responsible, serious and just about your business in your day-to-day lifestyle. You are on the edge 24/7 trying to do your best everyday and seeing you with your family absolutely melts me. You get more soft, you get to chill and rest, loosen up a bit, and let go of any negative energy. Recharge your batteries, you know what I’m saying.”

“I love you, Y/N.”

“I love you, Rúben.”

“Well, there you go guys. This was me and my lovely girlfriend answering these great questions that I feel like brought us closer to one another. Hope you enjoyed it, we sure did. And I guess I will see you soon. Have a great day. Bye, guys.”

#ruben dias #ruben gato dias #ruben dias fic #ruben dias imagine #ruben dias imagines #ruben dias x reader #ruben dias x you #ruben dias x y/n #ruben dias fluff

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echoedcrosshairs · 1 year

Text

Unseen Scars ~ p.2

Summary: Female Jedi survived order 66 hides out in the underground of Ord Mantell. Hiding out in Cid's parlor keeping your head down you see Rex's face and get sent backward in time. (Gif by @dreamswithghosts)

Warning: Order 66 Jedi Trauma, Feeling Haunted, Soft Rex, Angsty and Love

Word count: 2.7

Masterlist part 1

Facing all that you fear will free you from yourself. Your nerves were still on edge tempting you to flee being around the rest of clone force 99 even if their chips weren't activated they were still at risk at going nuclear at any moment. Although the walk back to the parlor soothed your nerves being Echo and him again but going into the parlor into such a cramped space didn't help. Rex positioned you behind him hoping it would help sooth you, his arm went around your waist ready to shove you away if necessary. Nonchalantly Echo had placed himself between Rex and the rest of his brothers, he may have trusted them with every bone in his body since they rescued him but you were still the commander to him. They both wanted to protect you even from a non existed threat. It was comforting that after all this time Rex and Echo just had to look at each other to know what the other was thinking. The 501st may be gone but the bond between them lives on.

"Do you think the Commander will rehabilitate?" Tech said flatly looking at you then back to Rex mind conversation, "Obviously I disagree with the systematic eradication of the Jedi, she does not possess the same mental fitness as we clones have been bred to endure and the order has seem to take a heavy toil on her mental aptitude for returning to the fight."

"The Commander-" Rex started, "Can speak for herself," you cut in.

You swallowed looking at Tech, "A wise man once said Truth enlightens the mind, but won't always bring happiness to your heart. It is a lot to accept and understand but it doesn't heal the fact my own men, men I trusted with my life and fought beside for years, tried to terminate me nor the death of so many allies. That same man also said 'Ignore your own instincts at your own peril," you paused to look at them and up at Wrecker before your eyes shot back down, you couldn't help feel that something was wrong but the force was beckoning your silence, "I am not ready to find myself in that position again."

"Well get them out," Echo said defiantly, "We'll never be a threat to you, ever."

"I'll be in touch," Rex nodded pulling you away from them towards the exit but waited to speak until he put a decent amount of distance between you and Hunter, "The force is telling you something isn't it?"

"They have to get them out, soon. How did you get yours out?"

Jesse... Vaughn... Your mind wandered to the battlefield, having the 501st at your side. The boys always wanted to die in battle but never like that. You wiped the corner of your eyes, "They were good men," you choked out when he was done.

"The best."

The both of you continued down the street in silence, at some point your hand found his. It still hurt to look at him but his presence helped the pain, "Now what?" you whispered.

"You can stay here... or you can help me save my brothers, I have to try."

You looked at him, the conviction as dedication across his face was the same one he had before a battle, "I'll come," you whispered before you had time to think it through, "Don't know how much use I'll be, Tech has a point."

"It doesn't matter, just having a Jedi with us is enough especially you Commander," Rex said squeezing your hand, "We should gather your belongings, the boys are destined to pick me up shortly."

Weaving between side streets it was an easy back track to your tiny place, Rex found a bag and quickly packed your clothes as your hand rested against the slats in the floor concealing your past. You scooted up lifting the slate with the force letting your free hand dig out the pouch after putting the board back you opened it retrieving the saber. The weight felt foreign in your grasp, the metal cool to the touch. You flicked it up into the air catching it with the other hand, just like riding a speeder. Looking over you saw Rex observing with a small smile before he returned to packing, you tucked the saber away.

"Are you sure about this?" he said slinging the bag over his shoulder but not looking at you trying to hide the grim expression. He would keep giving you a chance to go back to a normal life if you wanted one even if it hurt him, the war took so much from you he didn't want to be the reason you lost any more.

"Facing all that you fear will free you from yourself," you stated with a heavy breath, it wasn't the simple answer you knew Rex wanted but it was the truth, "If you remember Anakin and I were never one for running when things got tough. I think I've hidden in the shadows long enough." That statement was the first sliver of hope you had in a long time. Your eyes found Rex's, fondness had swept over them at the mention of the old days, the simple days. Keeping eye contact you took the short steps across to him tucking your face in his neck holding him. Your body still screamed run but your heart told you not to let go.

His hand found your back rubbing it, "We should get going," he sighed not wanting the tender moment to end, "Let's meet the 105th," he smirked.

"Did you really just switch the numbers?" you said with real genuine laughter.

"No, but I think I'll start calling us that if you make that beautiful sound again," he said putting your arm through the crook of his, "Let's go."

Finding the ship wasn't hard, it was discreet for the most part in the back of the docking station. The only tell tale sign that it was different then any of the standard ships around the port had been a barely noticeable white mark barely indistinguishable in the shape of Ashoka facial mark hidden near the bottom of the haul by the ramp.

Rex squeezed your hand tightly finding the nervous expression on your face, "None of these men will ever be a threat to you," he said giving the ship three solid knocks.

Your heart shook as the anticipation grew, these are Rex's men. Deserters of the Empire, they could be trusted. Right? I trusted my men... Clam grew over your skin as the ramp finally touched the ground. Looking up you found a green trooper looking down at you, one of master Yoda's men? You watched the trooper salute, standing at attention coughing to get the attention of the other trooper hanging near by who repeated his attention.

"Commander, this is Nemec and the brother over there is Fireball, at ease," Rex said giving them a stiff nod.

"Nice to meet you, Sir," Nemec said as you walked on board after Rex.

"She's a little skittish around us clones so give her breathing room."

"Don't blame her," Fireball murmured, "I barely ever want to see our face again," he heard Nemec cough finding the glare he was giving him, "Just saying, I can barely stand to look at it after what our brothers did."

"His chip's defective, deteriorated but unlike Tup's it didn't execute the order early. It's out now. He took the loss of his General hard and found me soon after," Rex whispered.

"Let's get out of here, I'm going to show the Commander around," Rex said gesturing away from them, "Refresher, their room, my room, mess... sorta," he shrugged, "storage closet, I could turn that into your private room if you want one," he shrugged again nervously rubbing his neck at the unspoken question hanging in the area.

"I think I should share yours Captain, I'll want my own bed of course."

Rex's heart skipped a beat, "I can arrange that," he tried to keep his stern dignified expression but felt like a cadet, of course their had been nights together but never like this coexisting in the same place, "Sorry," he coughed finding the responsive blush across your face. "Anyway, you can take my bed for now. I'll go grab a spare mat from the storage room," he said setting the pack down on his bed excusing himself so you to get settled in. It's not like before di'kut, the reminder settled in his bones wondering if all of the closeness had been to much. He tried to steal himself to that possibility. Taking a seat outside the room, he forced himself to clear his mind until Nemec walked over.

"You sure about this, Captain," he said jetting his chin towards the door, "We need a Jedi on our side but are we sure being in these cramped quarters is good for her?"

Rex understood his brothers concern, he looked at the door for a moment before placing a hand on the man's shoulder, "She was always the backbone holding the men together after every major loses and always giving us hope. It's time we do the same for her." His tone was firm, "I trust her, she choose to come with me for a reason. I believe she knows she can work through this."

"Did you ever think she came because she loves you?"

"Trust her judgement, Vod," Rex smiled taking his hand off his shoulder, "Let's head to base." Turning on his heel Rex rummaged through the storage closet grabbing the rolled up mat before heading back to his room. Our room, he thought smiling. When he returned all of your belonging had already taken up the spade signifying your stay with him.

"I haven't seen or slept on one of those in ages," you smiled softly looking at the poor express for a bed as he laid it out, "I'll take the mat if you want the bed-."

"Don't even think about taking the floor Mesh'la," he said bringing his gaze to yours, "We'll head to our base to plan to get The Bad Batch's chips out and you can see everyone else, I know their's a couple other 501st troopers who'd love to see you," he smiled.

"Who?" You asked going wide eyed.

"Hawk and Dogma," his grinned widen, "I definitely didn't expect it either," he cautiously said walking forward letting one hand fall to your hip, "A Jedi and a captain, whatever are they going to think," he jested hearing you laugh melting some of the burdens in his heart, "I've missed you every passing moment, Cyare," his grin faltered for a second before returning, "No matter how long it takes I'll wait for you to be ready again," he said letting go, "the rest of my life if need be. Now I have to try to figure out how to get their chips out."

"Captain?"

"Yes, Mesh'la?"

You took the step back towards him wrapping your arms around his neck, the familiar scent, feel of him and the warm tiny tug through the force, "Thank you for being patient," you pulled away wrapping your arms at your side, "We can use the republic scrap yard, their were rumors of a ship being delivered."

"And you know this how?" Rex smiled crossing his arms.

"I did have a salvaging job to get by."

"I'll let the boys know and we can devise a plan, welcome back Commander."

You followed after him, skin prickling at Nemec and Fireballs presence. They each offered a small smile as you took the sit next to the Captain as he started planning. He was quiet for what seemed like forever when he hand stretched out and rested in your thigh as he kept working. You looked down at it, lip quivering as tears threaten to fall again. It's a different time, you placed your hand over his as you chimed it time to time with what little information you had.

"Rex?"

"Yes, Mesh'la?" he said not lifting his eyes from the task at hand.

"I'll love you the rest of my life too," you whispered squeezing his hand, "I think we're getting ready to land again," you said feeling the ship slowing down.

Rex gave a tiny nod standing up interweaving his fingers with yours, guiding you towards the cockpit finding Fireball bringing the ship down. You observed the low tech handmade building and the small cluster of troopers already waiting outside, greens, greys, a red and then the 501st blue. You saw the familiar valiant tattoo across Dogma's face and then the red hawk wing tattoo's on Hawk's temples. Walking off the ship Rex placed himself between you and the rest of them, each set of eyes noticing the hands bound together. You felt like you were going to be sick being around this many troopers, it apparently must have paled you.

"Commander, you're not looking so good," Hawk pointed out.

"Let's get some air Cyare," he said softly, "Hawk, Dogma both of you are coming with me to help a couple of our brother's get their chips out."

"Yes, Sir."

Gently you felt Rex stir you away from the crowd away from prying eyes towards the edge of the small base, guiding you towards a crate to sit on overlooking the forest, "Better?" he asked quietly.

"Do you think Tech's right? What if-."

"A wise woman once told me when I was losing faith in myself; A soldier's most powerful weapon is courage. Courage begins by trusting oneself. You choose to come with me, Commander, you could have stayed on Ord Mantell and lived out a regular civilian life but you didn't."

"You've been waiting since Tibrin to toss that back at me, haven't you?" you said with a smile sad laugh, your gaze travelled to the sky remembering other sayings you were taught; Who we are never changes, who we think we are does. One must let go of the past to hold on to the future. To seek something is to believe in its possibility. I was- I am Jedi, a Commander in the Grand Army of the Republic and partner of one of the most highly decorated Captain's. I do not run when the battle get's rough, I stand beside my men and face evil head first. I am survivor of Order 66, I lived to fight another day. You exhaled a breath you were apparently holding. Turning your head, you took his appearance forcing your mind to calm down and body to still. The familiar earthly tone of his eyes; the arrays of brown to shimmering golds, the short blonde hair, the expressive eyes just for you and a smile that puts very sun to shame. While your body tried to fight but your mind had already come to terms with reality, it might take for your body to catch up but it would be worth it. Rex would be worth it. You watched his hand come up and caress your cheek, your breath hitched as you leaned into it bringing your hand to his.

"Possibly," he smiled finally answering the question, "Ready to go back?"

"Yeah, I want to see the boys," you smiled.

Rex pulled you closer to him, "Let's go see the boys," he affirmed keeping his hand around your waist stirring you around troopers until he found the two other blues in the back rolling up their sleeping packs.

"Sir," Dogma saluted before staring down at Rex's arm, "Regulations-"

"No longer exist," Hawk pointed out, "Called it," he chuckled.

"Nice to see you too, Dogma."

"Sorry, still getting use to it," he added nervously.

"Me too," you mumbled.

"I am happy for the two of you," Dogma quickly added, "When are we leaving?"

"In a couple hours," Rex said feeling your body slowly continue to tense. His mouth fell agape when you reached out hugging the two of them, "I've missed you, boys," you whispered before pulling back. Rex's hand found your waist again feeling the muscles constrict themselves into knots. He stirred both of you back to the ship to your's room, "That was bold," he murmured eyeing you cautiously as you climbed onto the bed.

"With great risk comes great rewards," you offered, gently tugging his hand towards the bed smiling as redness flushed across his face. Sheepishly he removed his poncho and armor discarding it to a regulation neat pile on the floor, “How about until we leave I try to get use to being next to you again?”

“There is no other place I rather be then next to you, Commander,” Rex smiled climbing into the bed, “Just tell me when it becomes to much, I don’t mind taking my time with the scars I can’t see.”

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