#i dont hate everything I just only post when I'm in a bad mood and feel grouchy

[hms-no-fun]

i just want you to know that i read... i think Most of godfeels and had to stop because i was not enjoying it. but i think its really good and i really respect what you do. i think it's all too easy for people to mix up "this is not my cup of tea" with "this is bad and/or problematic". they dont take the time to see the artistry in it, why it is what it is, what it might be saying beyond their surface level read and the kneejerk reaction to it.

i also wanted to note that ive always been kind of scared of sharing fanworks for fear of writing "out of character" - and ive also even been afraid of it in original works. character isn't real and concrete, so anyone can decide something's out of character. so your exploration of that concept gives me more confidence as a writer. i really appreciate that and everything else you do. :)

thank you so much for this message! i'm glad you tapped out rather than force your way through something you weren't enjoying, that's a very mature response and something i wish more folks would recognize as a perfectly valid option. in fact i think pushing through and reading long after you've given up on the material, so to speak, is a great way to wind up angry at a writer for having "forced" you to endure such a trying experience. as i've said before, an author can't force you to do anything. you can close the book any time you like.

as far as the tension of "in character/out of character" goes, i think a lot of people in fandom struggle with the fact that "character" is very much in the eye of the beholder. sub-groups form within fandoms based on identities, politics, sexual predilections, etc, and typically gather around the fire that is their particular interpretation of a character. but from within that sub-group, it's rarely considered "an interpretation" so much as the obvious intended truth of the text. it's that intoxicating mood of finding people who share a perspective you rarely see elsewhere, like oh my god, you GET it, finally someone GETS it!

in homestuck fandom, for instance, quite a lot of people hate vriska and think she sucks, with a vocal sub-group of that sub-group still actively beating the drum that everything about her arc after [S] Game Over is the worst part of homestuck. but i love vriska, and my corner of the fandom very much organized around a full-throated defense of her. some folks think homestuck did tavros and gamzee dirty and that this is a fatal flaw in the text; when i countenance these people, i am convinced we read two very different comics. who's right and who's wrong? there are degrees. i can pull out any number of quotes from andrew hussie about the importance of vriska and the weenieness of tavros, but then, authors love to say things, and there's plenty of stories i love in ways that directly oppose to the authors' stated intent. the debate can never end because we are only ever talking about the version of a character or story that exists in our heads, based on the things that stuck with us when we read the thing (however long ago that was-- which is important because i find a LOT of people adamantly defending their headcanons haven't read the source text in a number of years. as time passes, your perception of the media you've experienced in the past morphs and distorts. someone who was right five years ago can be wrong today and not even notice the difference).

something i've realized in the last year is how much godfeels emerged from a very specific milieu, not just in terms of how we interpreted certain characters but in our approach to analyzing and talking about the text altogether. i believe most of the important stuff in godfeels is "in character" in most of the ways that matter, but it's built on a very specific meta that centered vrisrezi and transness and radical leftist politics and experimental hypertext. really, it's a post-Epilogues fanwork even despite the fact that godfeels 1 predates their release by a few weeks. and i think to this day a lot of homestuck fans haven't read the epilogues but have read fandom posts about how terrible they are (quite a lot of which will have either been written by teens, by people who already didn't like homestuck very much, or by one of the regressive stalkery weirdos prominent in the homestuck reddit/discord), and that misapprehension keeps them in the dark about just how many amazing tools the epilogues introduce to the homestuck formula that exponentially expand the expressive possibilities of attentive fanworks. and it of course elides the fact that the homestuck epilogues are a story about being in your 30s. i think we'll be getting a big re-appraisal of the epilogues in 5-10 years. it'll be the "twin peaks: fire walk with me" of homestuck, just you wait.

so these readers see my version of dirk being an unhinged murderous dick to a newly-out trans woman and go "he would never do that." then if i point at the epilogues, they'll say "i didn't read them/they're not even canon/that wasn't in character either." at which point there's nothing really to say, because we have two completely different perceptions of the text. who's right and who's wrong is almost always infinitely subjective, a circumstance that humans are notable for being very good at handling in a mature and politely discursive manner.

so i've got an "author's introduction" to godfeels baking in my docs to provide some context about the meta this story is built on, the milieu it came out of, that sort of thing. it won't make much of a difference in practical terms, but it'll at least be something i can point to.

in any event, thanks for this message. all i ever want is for people to give it an honest shot. i hope you can continue harvesting confidence from wherever it can be found. it takes a lot of audacity and backbone to be an artist, especially when you have something worthwhile to say. remember that you're not writing for the haters, you're writing for the kind of person, like you, who wants to see more stories like the thing you're writing. they're the ones who'll get it, they're the ones who'll stick around long after the haters have lost interest.

[zeroducks-2]

So I know that all the apprentice Dick stuff isn't really canon and it only happens in tt03 and that in 'reality' there was a Renegade arc... But I dont know anything about Renegade beside the fact that its a thing. Maybe you could tell me more about it?

It would be my pleasure! Sorry it took me so long to answer, tumblr ate my post and I had to rewrite it >_>

The first thing to know is that despite fanfictions/fanarts tend to portray Renegade!Dick as the "follow-up" to the Apprentice Arc, or anyway conflating the two stories (kind of mashing up stuff from tt03 and the comics), the two situations couldn't be more different from one another. They are in fact completely unrelated both thematically and narratively speaking.

In the comics, the Renegade idea comes from Dick, Dick is the one that insists on sticking around Slade, and Slade never forces/coerces him into doing anything (he has barely any participation in the whole thing). It's actually more about Dick and Rose than Dick and Slade, and in fact the "Renegade" alias itself is very nearly a thing, in the sense that Dick comes up with randomly it at some point, Rose uses it once and that's about it. Slade never even calls him that, sticking to "Nightwing", "Grayson" or just "kid".

A quick sum-up: Dick needs info about the society of supervillains but can't infiltrate them, because Slade is on their roster and he knows Dick's real identity, therefore he would recognize (and out) him easily. So he comes up with the idea of trying to convince Slade that he's a bad guy now and he can be trusted by villains - really Slade never actually trusts him, but in the process of testing him Rose grows very fond of Dick, and eventually Dick manages to thwart the society's plans and kick Slade out of Bludhaven. More or less.

That's not my favorite iteration of Dick, and especially not my favorite iteration of Slade and Rose, but all in all it's a fun, enjoyable story that's very in line with the overall mood and style of the (in)famous "Nightwing 1996" run.

Since we're here I'll go on to provide a more lengthy explanation of the plot with screenshots for poignancy (and because they're fun), but if you're already satisfied with the answer and you don't want more spoilers, go ahead and click away :)

The "Renegade" arc.

I'm going to start out with Issue #110 which opens with Dick leaving Sophia Tevis, the daughter of a mob boss, and her mother in a safe place for Sophia's safety.

Dick is having a rough time with just about everything in his life. This happens soon after the whole situation with Blockbuster and Tarantula and the aftermath of that, also he recently broke up with Barbara, lost his job as a cop and has gone no contact with Bruce. Tim drops by to check on him, and during their conversation, Dick finds out that Bruce was going to adopt Tim.

Dick is very bitter, and Tim keeps justifying Bruce this or that way, as usual enabling his behavior (no hate towards Tim whatsoever btw, that's just how their dynamic tended to function). At some point Tim goes out of his way to reel Dick back in the situation...

...And Dick gets understandably very upset

I love how he's about to yell at Tim but then tones it down. He keeps doing it throughout the whole story, swallowing his emotions and then apologizing when "he sounds too much like Bruce".

Despite everything Dick insists on doing his job as Nightwing and refusing everyone's help, at the point that he's embittered enough for it to be believable that he'd be in a "I lost everything, I want to try a new path" situation. The problem is, as I mentioned before, Dick can't infiltrate the society and uncover their nasty plans because they have Deathstroke on their payroll.

So Dick decides that the only way he has to do this is convince everyone, especially Deathstroke himself, that he's done being a hero, he wants to be a bad guy, he's been slapped in the face one time too many and he'll prove it to him. Only Dick has to talk to Slade for this to happen, and this leads to what's surely my favorite two panels of the entire story:

The infamous "message received" text on the mirror of Dick's bathroom as he showers. Dick is totally unfazed by this btw, makes me think this isn't the first time it happens

Slade, dramatic motherfucker that he is, decides to show up in the middle of the night together with Rose (I'm sharing the panels again cause they're really cool)

A fight ensues but Dick is outnumbered and in his civvies, so it's brief enough. Have I mentioned that Slade is also an idiot? I think I didn't, so here's Slade being an absolute idiot:

I love this panel. I want to print it and eat it I am so normal about it

By saying "undercover with the bad guys" Slade is referring to the fact that Dick has been cooperating with the Bludhaven mafia, fact that actually helps Dick sell the whole "I'm a bad guy now" narrative. Which is what Dick insists upon, saying that he has no more reasons to fight the good fight. Slade isn't impressed, but he still offers Dick a bargain:

Basically the idea is that Dick will prove himself trustworthy by watching over Rose, teaching her, and making her involved in his own things, and so he does; what follows is a number of short episodes in which he and Rose go around doing apparently random tings, bantering in the meantime.

The reason why I say this is not my favorite iteration of Rose Wilson is because she's VERY BABY. Which isn't bad per se but I prefer a version of Rose which is less naive. Also, "Nightstroke".

In the meantime Dick has found out that the place where Sophia Tevis was hiding for her safety wasn't safe at all - her mother has been killed by cops and the kid has been put in a state home. Dick promised to go get her, and this is what he brings Rose along to do.

They rescue Sophia and Dick hides her in yet another place, and makes Rose promise that she won't say anything to Slade about Sophia and what they did. The first thing baby does when she sees Slade is tell him everything.

Basically Rose is trying to make it so Slade will love her, or something like this. I'm actually not sure, their relationship here is a bit confusing to be honest.

So what keeps happening is that Dick brings Rose along - since he does not have a choice on that - while doing his things, pretending it's bad guys things while it really is good guys things. But, he does give her some valuable lessons and the two do grow quite close in the meantime.

The issue is that Slade isn't easily fooled, and to make sure he's got Dick under his thumb, he kidnaps Sophia Tevis to use her as a bargaining chip, and to make sure Dick won't do anything that goes against the society.

The brown haired kid is Sophia, but really this looks more dramatic than it actually is since nothing really changes, or maybe we could say it even backfires - Dick keeps doing his things, and if Rose wasn't convinced initially, now that she knows Sophia is being threatened (and she knows Dick cares for her since Rose helped him save her), she believes Dick more easily when they investigate the society's business and Dick says "it's all part of the plan I swear I'm not doing anything detrimental to your father, if I did he'd kill me and he'd kill Sophia".

And finally we have Dick calling himself Renegade: Rose insisted on calling him Nightwing since there was no alternative, so Dick comes up with Renegade just to get her to stop using "Nightwing"

Soon Dick finds out that the society is planning to use the Bane toxin to create supersoldiers or something like this, and in the meantime he bumps into Arsenal who's legitimately concerned about him (especially because there had been news circulating about Nightwing cooperating with the Bludhaven mafia, and he's been pushing his friends and family away). Dick is forced to knock him out, and eventually Roy tells Oracle, who tells Superman, and it ends up with everyone really worried for Dick.

I'm not really sure how Slade knew Superman would have been involved (I might not remember about it but yeah, Slade knew Supes was going to get involved) and devises a plan to neutralize him: He fixes Dick's glove with a radio transponder and surgically implants kryptonite in Rose's missing eye. During the following confrontation with Superman, Dick nonchalantly says "yeah I'm a bad guy now fuck you", knowing that Clark can hear his heartbeat and can therefore tell that Dick is lying - but Clark reacts in a very upset way, Rose gets scared and jumps him.

A brief scuffle follows but soon enough Superman lets them go, and Dick goes confront Slade with Rose, informing him that he uncovered the society' schemes and that his plan backfired.

Then Dick tells Slade something something along the lines of "Rose loves me and listens to me, while you implanted toxic kryptonite in her eye socket, so if you don't go away from Bludhaven I'll put her against you".

and somehow it works, Slade "admitting defeat" and letting Dick go, but threatening him with "you don't know what you're messing with".

Which actually is what happens soon after with the destruction of Bludhaven, Slade dropping chemo on it and all of that. But that's another story.

So here you have it, the brief story of Renegade and how it existed as Dick's alias for a short time. It's not much something that comes from Slade, more like it tangentially involves Slade while Dick is doing his thing. Again for whoever is interested in reading it first-hand, it spans from issue 110 to issue 115 of Nightwing 1996.

[gg-selvish]

i saw your post and i realized that i definitely haven't left enough comments on your ao3 works for how much i enjoy them, so here. i wanted to let you know that you are one of my favorite, if not my all-time favorite, dream team writer. i love to read your nsfw works because they're hot and sexy, yes, but also? you have one of the best characterizations of the guys that i've seen, ESPECIALLY in nsfw works. i have had to almost immediately click off of so many fics because they just don't get the characters and their dynamics right imo, but your fics? i read them over and over. every single time i get an email that you've updated or posted a piece, i genuinely get so excited when i see that it's you.

your karl/george series is something that i will love forever and ever. i'm ace and i adore the way you portrayed karl and his sexuality in every one. it's so refreshing to find a good nsfw work that has a well written asexual character!!! i may not like knf as a ship very much, but i love them the way you write them so much.

there's so much i'm probably forgetting to say right now, but just know that i thoroughly love everything i've read from you. your works are amazing with and without the nsfw parts. please know that there are people out there (me) reading your fics for more than the smut. you deserve to know that.

<3

okay wow um this is a lot in a very good way but i'm definitely overwhelmed? normally when i get nice stuff like this i just say thank you but i've been in a chatty mood today so i'm going to turn this into A Thing if u dont mind... i really, really appreciate this. i've had a strange experience in this fandom where the whole time i've been here i've had a pretty even split of 'you're a delusional freak and i hope you die' and 'you're my favourite author please never stop posting' and my brain doesn't really know what to do about the black and white of it so normally i just move on and block it out but that's lead to me being incredibly insecure about myself and my work so i'm going to try really hard to process this and internalize it lol

so again, thank you so much for saying this to me. it really means a lot to me to hear that people like my fic because it takes up so much space in my brain and sometimes i get worried i'm only still getting any positive acknowledgement out of obligation and less so because what i'm doing is actually worth a compliment. i've felt really bad about my writing for a while now and it's nice to hear from someone who isn't my established friend that it's worth reading. and enjoyed too! wow thats crazy to me genuinely. i really do think im shit most days. especially my works of the last stretch.

regarding you (& only you) this is a lot easier for me to hear. i love that series so much and it makes my heart happy to know other ace people appreciate it and view it as positive representation because i'm asexual and always worry it reads as just porn. this comes into play with the comments thing again... me putting a lot of personal experience and deep thought into dynamics with no pay off. obviously i'm not saying every fic in that series is groundbreaking or even worth reading, but idk they each have a piece of importance to them. at least to me. i was just saying the other day that in my lapses of writers block i get anxious about the last thing i've posted being not my best work. in this current hiatus i'm in i'm actually quite content with EASE being the latest work in my recents. sure rules is unfinished but i kind of hate that fic so whatever. EASE is good. i love how that turned out and i'm proud of it and comfortable with that being the first thing people see on my profile

all insecurity and internal pressure aside i love writing for this fandom and hope i can do it for at least a little longer. i'm immeasurably grateful that people are willing to still read what i create, it makes creating it a little easier. i sound like a broken record but really thank you for this. it means more to me than you could know.

[youremyheaven]

I really loved your post about moon dominant men and women. maybe bc I had a toxic friend like that, i liked that you kinda said a lot of bad stuff about them/criticized their behavior 😭 i LOVED that with my whole RAGE. idk if you can resonate too with all that I'll say, but i remember my friend always wanted to be on a different side than me. she legit accused other people of doing really bad things to her and, or told me "That guy is really abusive" for no apparent reason and pretended as if, since she felt that, then it must be true (also she talked shit about women and PROUDLY believed that if she felt that way about them, it's because they are hiding something/being sus). I used to think she had a good intuition, but she let that thing be blurred by her projections so much that in the end, she wasn't reliable AT ALL and mostly she was just picking up on things about herself and "blaming" others. Reminds me of the meme that says something like "Me saying there are bad vibes in the room but I'm the bad vibes in the room" lol. Also if you showed her proof that, for example, her favorite actor was an abuser or something she always replied "I'm not gonna believe that, there isn't enough proof" she used to believe the dumbest and craziest stuff like birds have cameras, her phone camera is hacked and someone is seeing her?? but if you showed her something REAL and TRUE she didn't believe it at all and she always said something like "hmm im not sure" I remember one day she was telling me that Aquarius was a water sign (it's stupid ik) I showed her screenshots and pics of a book saying Aquarius is an air sign and she said "I don't care, I don't think that's true" she was such a toxic bitch who never apologized for shit because she was incapable of recognizing her shitty behavior. she always talked about her parents as if they were the worst for the smallest dumbest shit like, her dad didn't think buying x was a good idea. One day I was suicidal and she told me that it was too much for her and that she needed to "take time for herself" Selena Gomez who?? and then claimed that I ruined her perception of me bc of that and she couldn't take it anymore. like?? if your friend being depressed victimized and ruined it all for YOU maybe you weren't a good friend to begin with. And it's not like I was draining her every day with my problems bc I'm the type to keep everything to myself and not ask anyone for help. She was the only friend who felt that way about the situation (it affected her so much that it was one of her reasons for deleting me from every social media 2 years later, out of nowhere, and making me feel like im the one who hurt her legit blaming it all on me feeling depressed once) she was also 3x moodier than me, 3x more mentally troubled and she attended parties/meetings with this face 😒 almost EVERY TIME, but if you were sad/angry or disappointed and you showed it, she always made herself the victim or said something like "Yeah that time you cried I wanted to kill you" like babe??? you are always in a bad mood but when someone else was, you dared to take it personally and act like you always do and know better. im really sorry if this was long, but your post helped me process this more than i already did 😭😭😭😭😭

omg bestieee im glad my post could help you😭😩😭 and im so so so sorry that you went through all that

as someone who endured a lot of abuse at the hands of multiple Moon dominant people, i really couldnt hold back on those posts even though I usually dont talk that much shit on any of my astro posts,,

what you said about the hating parents bit took me back to all the times my toxic ex bestie would fight with her parents over the dumbest stuff (her mom didn't let her buy something from the grocery store, im not kidding she had a whole meltdown bc of this) and what u said about them not giving a shit about your feelings/mental health LMFAO sounds exactly right,, i was sharing some deeply sad stuff and they said "okay i dont want to hear any more" like literally they said that,, i understand how some things can be triggering to hear but ??? there has to be a better way to deal with that situation instead of telling the person who is having a breakdown that u "can't hear it". she never apologised or saw anything wrong with her behaviour either. all the empathy i never received has pissed me off so much man, i feel u,, i feel so wronged for having put up with that stuff and for thinking that this is just how it is.

anybody reading this, please cut those fcking people out. they dont care, they never will and you will lose your time and energy on things you're better off without. cut them out. zero explanation. you dont owe them one.

[moonxbabe]

vinnie hacker smut - take it out on me -

hi readers - this was another request I had, not my best work and also pretty short so I apologize but hope you like it - also - this story has a bit of that cigarette incident with Vinnie, but I do NOT care that he smokes, sadly I find it attractive (I know, I'm the worst) but anyway Its just a story.

warning: smut 18+

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Vinnie groans exiting his now stalled car on the side of the road. He slams the door closed causing Jett to jump as he gets out as well. 

“Let me make some calls so someone can come out here and get us, dont stress,” Jett assures him as best as he can but he already knows Vinnies had a rough day and there's only so much he can say to make it better. 

Vinnie moves both his hands to the back of his neck holding it tightly pacing by the front of the car ignoring Jetts attempt at comfort. He pulls out his phone and opens your text thread typing. 

Vinnie: I'm having the worst day. 

You read his text and sigh knowing it was coming. A few hours ago Tik Tok room also blew up a post at their weekly attempt to “Cancel Vinnie Hacker” along with his meeting regarding the boxing match that he never got paid for. Things just weren't going his way today and when that happens he falls deep into the dark. 

You: Come over?

Vinnie: I'm stuck on the side of the road. I don't even want to talk about it. I'm turning my phone off. 

You read his text and slightly frowned. You knew he was in a bad mood but you hated when he pushed you away and wouldn't even let you help. You decided to grab your things and go to the Hype House to wait for him to get back. 

                                                       ---------

Vinnie storms into his bedroom slamming the room shut startling you as you sit on his bed slowly closing your laptop. He turns around and slams his first against the back of the door leaning his head against it for a moment before turning around to press his back to it and slides down taking his head in his hands. 

“Hey hey, let's breathe for a second?” You say softly approaching him, getting down to sit in front of him. You touch his arms gently stroking them softly with your thumbs. 

“I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you,” He finally responds after a few moments and sighs, leaning his head back against the door. He takes one of your hands and squeezes it softly, intertwining your fingers. 

“You didn't, I'm just worried about you,” You brought his hand up to kiss it softly. He closes his eyes for a minute before opening them.

“I'm just tired, tired of everything,” He lets go of your hand and slowly gets up “I need a cigarette” He walks over to his dresser pulling out the box. 

“Vinnie,” you say with a warning as he pulls one out of the box and attempts to find a lighter. 

“Don't start with me, y/n. I'm not in the mood,” He doesn't bother to look at you as he continues to search for the lighter. 

“I promised your mom that I’d make sure you didn't smoke anymore,” you walked over to him annoyed and attempted to take the cigarette out of his mouth. 

“You really think I care about the promise you made to my mom right now, y/n? I don't give a fuck,” He grabs your arms, slightly pushing them away. You frown at his reaction.

“Okay but I don't want you to do it,” you hold back tears as he tries to walk past you but you hold him. He doesn't say anything but attempts his best to avoid eye contact. He knew he was hurting you but he was hurting himself and the battle within him was strong. 

“Stop,” you grab his face with both your hands using your thumbs to stroke his cheeks softly before using one hand to tuck some of his curls away “I know you're hurting right now, but-- but-- this isn't going to help,” you search his face for a moment as he still doesn't look at you, you take a moment before saying anything else “Take it out on me, let me make you feel good,” you say quietly waiting for him to say something, anything. His eyes linger for a moment before finally looking into yours causing your body to somewhat relax. 

He still doesn't say a word, but moves his hand up to grab your neck slightly pulling you closer, his lips crashing onto your kissing you hungerly not wasting a second. He groans softly as you suck at his bottom lip sliding your tongue into his mouth. He moves his other hand deep into your hair, gripping it pulling you even closer to him, you can almost taste his pain. He bites at your bottom lip tugging at it before pulling away to take your hand leading you to the bed. 

“Knees, now.” He says sternly as you nod and get down onto your knees looking up at him. He started to undo his jeans, pushing them down along with his tight boxers freeing his hardness. You bite the inside of your cheek in anticipation as he nods looking down at you giving you permission. He sits at the edge of the bed as you get closer in between his legs. 

You take his dick in your hands stroking it, causing him to let out a soft groan before leaning in closer and slowly taking it into your mouth. His hand quickly finds its way deep into your hair once more grabbing it as he lets out another groan at the feeling. You begin to bob your head up and down his length, allowing your tongue to roam all over before pulling up and using it to gently lick his tip a few times.

“Fuck baby, so good” He moans gripping your hair tighter as he watches you work. Your mouth slides over his dick again, taking in as much as you can using your hands to stroke the rest.

“Be a good girl and take it all,” He groans and pushes your head further down on his cock causing you to slightly gag but you continue as tears form in your eyes. Your hand strokes his balls as your tongue proceeds to lick all over. You begin to feel his dick twitch in your mouth as you slightly hum sending vibrations along it. 

“I'm so close baby, don't stop,” He moans softly, stroking your hair as you keep bobbing your head faster taking him all in as his tip hits the back of your throat. His hips buckle up as he grips your hair once more pulling your head back, you continue to stroke him as your mouth remains open, sticking your tongue out ready for his load. He shuts his eyes and lets out a loud grunt cumming into your mouth as you lick your lips and swallow. 

“My good fucking girl,” He says in a husky tone and wipes off remaining cum from your lips with his thumb shoving it into your mouth, his eyes locked on yours as you suck it clean. His hand slides down to grab your neck again pulling you close. 

“Open,” He says and without hesitation you open your mouth as he leans in to spit in it. You swallow as a slight grin appears on his face, he pulls you in kissing you hard. 

“Such a good little slut for daddy huh?” You slightly bit your lower lip and nod. 

“Do we think she deserves a reward?” His hand slides up to grab your jaw as you both don't break eye contact. 

“Yes daddy,” you almost whine and nod once more. He studies you for a moment before nodding.

“Get up, lay down,” He pats at the edge of the bed, you do as he says and wait for him as he pulls off his tshirt leaving himself completely naked aside from his silver chains around his neck. You bit your lip at the view of him wanting him deep inside you. You press your thighs together but he's quick to push them apart, grabbing the edge of your shorts, pulling them down and throwing them off to the side. 

“Those look so good on you,” He licks his lips at your black lace thong “But sadly they have to come off,” He rips them off tossing them as well. 

“Vinnie I just b--!” you attempt to say but get cut off by his warning look shutting you up. He leans over moving his hand to your neck once more pulling you in to kiss you deeply as his other hand cups your pussy causing you to slightly moan into the kiss. 

He slides two fingers in between your folds feeling your wetness and pulls away to groan softly against your lips. 

“Look at you, so wet for me and I’ve barely touched you,” He rubs your clit causing you to moan once more as your back slightly arches off the bed. He slowly enters two fingers into you pumping them in and out at a steady pace. 

“Vinnie,” you bit your lower lip moving your hand down to grip his. 

“I want to taste you,” He said in a husky tone, getting down pushing your legs even more apart and replacing his thumb on your clit with his tongue sucking at it. 

“Oh my-- don't stop” your hand moved to grip his hair pushing him further in, your eyes rolled back at the pleasure as his fingers continued to work in and out of you at a fast pace. 

“Cum for daddy,” He whispered against your heat before letting his tongue trailed up and down causing your legs to shake. You felt your walls begin to clench around his fingers as he suddenly curled them hitting your g-spot,  you tried to push his head away from the overwhelming pleasure but he didn't budge. 

“V-Vin, I'm about to cum” you moaned loudly gripping his curls harder as your climax took over. He slowly pulled his fingers out, licking them all over as he leaned back down to lick you clean. You groaned softly, closing your legs still sensitive from your over stimulation. 

“Delicious,” He said quietly before leaning over kissing your lips softly. Your eyes fluttered tired from your high. Before you knew it you were flipped over on your stomach and he was behind you.

“Ass up baby,” He growled, giving your behind a hard slap, causing you to wince but you followed his orders quickly. You got on all four as he positioned himself behind you. One hand gripped your hip as the other slid up your back to the back of your neck pushing it down into the bed. 

“I said ass,” He ordered once more as you nodded. Your cheek pressed to the bed sheets as you bit your lower lip nervous but also excited. You liked it when he played rough, but he was also in a bad mood today so you didn't know what to expect. Before you could even have another thought he slammed into you hard causing you to scream gripping the sheets next to you. 

“Fuck, you’re so tight” He groaned at the feeling as he thrusted in and out of you at a fast and hard pace as his anger got the best out of him. It hurt but you tried your best to keep it together in hopes it would get better. Your teeth sunk harder into your bottom lip as your eyes shut feeling him deep inside you as he kept going with no remorse. 

“Vin, slow down” You mumbled moving your hand behind you pushing him back a bit. He grabbed your hand and moved it down to press it above your head into the bed. 

“Take it like the good little slut you are,” His voice husky as he leaned in to growl in your ear, holding your hand in place for a few moments before moving it in between the both of you to slowly rub your clit. His thrusts slowed down a bit but remained just as hard causing you to moan. He rubbed your clit harder as his other hand gripped tightly at your hip keeping a good rhythm going. 

“Yes, yes right there,” you moaned loudly at the feeling as your eyes rolled back, your hips meeting his with every thrust. You could feel his dick in your stomach from how deep he was.

“There she is,” you could hear the smirk in his voice as he picked up his pace again. The room filled with skin slapping skin noises as he watched himself slide in and out of you. His hand on your hip slid up your back once more reaching your hair and grabbing it all together tugging at it. It hurt but in the best way. You could feel your climax coming as you turned into a moaning mess. 

“You feel so good baby, I love the way your pussy feels around my dick,” He groaned as his words sent chills down your spine causing your legs to shake. He leaned his head back before lifting his leg up fucking into you hard from a different angle finding your g-spot once again. 

“Holy shit, Vin,” you cried in pleasure as you felt your walls begin to clench around his dick. “I'm about to cum,” 

“Hold it,” He demanded and kept going, wanting to climax at the same time. Your body was shaking uncontrollably as you gripped the sheets tighter. His hand on your clit not moving driving you insane.

“I'm close, don't you dare cum” He groaned as you felt his dick twitch inside of you, feeling like you were ready to explode. 

“Vinnie,” you moaned loudly as he moved his hand shoving you into the bed getting in a few more thrusts.

“Cum baby,” He moaned, stiffening inside you as you immediately came all over his dick. You both rode out your highs as he slowly pulled out of you grabbing a towel to clean you up as you laid there tired and breathless. 

After throwing the towel in his basket he walked back over to the bed as you turned over on your back grabbing a blanket to cover yourself. He laid next to you putting his arm around you pulling you to him as you both stayed silent for a few minutes. 

“Was it too much for you?” He said quietly looking down at you as you hugged into his chest. He felt guilty for taking it out on you.

“No, im fine Vin” you nodded and looked up reassuring him. He gave you a slight smile kissing your forehead. 

“I'm sorry about earlier,” He sighed, “I shouldn't have shoved you like that or said what I said,” He leaned his head back against the headboard. 

“It's okay, I know you're having a rough time right now, I just wish you’d talk to me instead of shut me out,” you looked up at him and placed a hand on his cheek stroking it softly with your thumb, he leaned into it closing his eyes for a moment before nodding. 

“I know, its stupid of me, I just get too deep into myself sometimes,” His eyes fluttered open as he reached for your hand placing his over it before taking it and kissing the inside of your palm. 

“I love you, thank you for caring for me and still sticking around even though I can be a shit boyfriend,” He held your hand tightly.

“You don't need to say that and you are not a shit boyfriend Vin, I care because I love you and want you to be happy” you kissed his bare chest as he held onto you tightly. 

“You make me happy, only you” He leans in to kiss you softly as you kiss him back smiling. 

                                                          -------------

feedback is always appreciated <3

[anti-dazai-blog]

If you answer this ask, answer it privately if required, since I'm afraid that answering this publicly may give certain pussies sensitive people a personal grudge against your blog.

I am glad for the valuable service you render to the fandom. People who sincerely consider this a rabid 'anti blog' make me laugh. Instead you're providing crirical thinking to the BSD fandom, which should come naturally to those who are really invested in it, but such practical views are surprisingly lacking in 90% of this fandom.

Anyways, tho i dont agree with just 2 - 3 of your points - i agree with many many of them. Thank you for having eyes and noticing the obvious red flags in Dazai's behaviour. Lol I still ship Dazatsu for certain stuff, but earlier when I was in a bad place someone pointing out its toxic aspects ruined my mood. But now im in a good place and mentally tough, so I realise that this toxicity will actually give Atsushi incredible, very important character growth where he learns to stand up for himself, be wary of red flags and become independent and find actual beneficial people to rely on.

Hi anon, I’m glad you’re enjoying my blog!!

I don’t mind answering publically, especially since this touches on a subject I’d like to cover here. 

I really do appreciate this ask, but I don’t have any problem with people who disagree with the Anti-Dazai Series.

I just wanna make it clear — this blog is only my opinion, not a moral standpoint. I don’t consider it right or wrong to agree or disagree with the takes I post here, and there are more than one valid way of interpreting a character. Of course, I agree wholeheartedly with everything I post, but it really is just a matter of opinion. 

So long as someone can cite the sources [in this case, quote the manga I guess] to back up their viewpoint, it’s 100% legit and valid. And to be honest, I don’t think it would be too difficult to make a valid case in Dazai’s favor. I’d go as far as to say that I can easily make a “Pro-Dazai Blog”, where I’d show the most positive interpretation of all of Dazai’s actions. Sure I’d disagree with it all, but I doubt it would be too difficult to make.

And to touch on the subject of shipping: I’m not into shipping, and don’t ship anything from any fandom (I’m more into found family dynamics than ships). But I don’t consider it wrong to ship something that would be toxic or dysfunctional irl— the whole point of shipping is to explore two characters’ dynamics if they were in a relationship, right? I don’t really see a problem with people going “hey what would these two be like together? Oh, they’d mentally and emotionally destroy each other? Neat.”

I’ve mentioned this before but I’ll say it as many times as I can: The media you consume isn’t a moral standpoint*. If you wanna see what it would be like for certain characters to be in a relationship and you go read some fanfiction of it, you’re not a horrible person if the relationship is bad. I mean, my main is a Classic Lit/ Shakespeare blog. Obviously it’s not full of posts about characters in happy, functional relationships. 

[*Nuance!! There are exceptions but I don’t feel like getting into them right now!]

Anyway. Sorry if this came off as critical. I don’t mean any of this directed at you specifically, I just wanted to make my stance on this stuff clear. 

And thanks again for agreeing that I’m not a “rabid hate blog”— I think that take primarily comes from people who read my URL without reading what I post

[my-darling-has-forgotten-me]

Oof... I'd feel for anyone in that situation. Thanks for the ask, and thank you for the compliment! I appreciate the support ❤️

⚠️Trigger Warning⚠️

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

𝕀𝕗 𝕪𝕠𝕦'𝕣𝕖 𝕤𝕖𝕟𝕤𝕚𝕥𝕚𝕧𝕖 𝕥𝕠 𝕥𝕠𝕡𝕚𝕔𝕤 𝕤𝕦𝕔𝕙 𝕒𝕤 𝕓𝕦𝕝𝕝𝕪𝕚𝕟𝕘, 𝕣𝕖𝕒𝕕 𝕟𝕠 𝕗𝕦𝕣𝕥𝕙𝕖𝕣 ~

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

𝑃𝑎𝑖𝑟𝑖𝑛𝑔 = 𝐾𝑜𝑢 𝑀𝑢𝑘𝑎𝑚𝑖 𝑥 𝐹𝑒𝑚𝑎𝑙𝑒 𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑑𝑒𝑟 ~

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

I got inspiration for this off 'Say I Love You'

"Kou! I heard your new song! It's so good!"

"Aw really?! Thanks for the support!"

"Yeah! We heard it too! You're as awesome as always!", Gushed a group of his fangirls.

"Oh! Y/N, you can go on ahea-"

But as always, I going to class before him. Automatically walking ahead of him. It's like this everyday, he gets crowded and I'm told to go. It's so annoying....

I walk ahead and saw Ruki, he looked at me and approached me. "Where's Kou? You've been going to class on your own a lot lately", he asked as stern as ever. "He's... Busy", I said, looking behind me seeing Kou laughing and smiling at his little harem.

"So it's like that? I don't like his neglect to you much either but I suppose it's his duty as an idol to entertain his fans", deadpanned Ruki, looking at the scene also. "N-no... I find his actions reasonable, besides it's not like I'm jealous or anything..."

Ruki softened his normally stoic face. "Would you like me to talk to him later? He's your Adam, he shouldn't treat you like this", he said

"No need...", I muttered and walked away. I heard fangirls muttering and whispering about me.

"Ugh... Look at that stuck-up bitch..."

"I know, she's such a whore"

I'm not...

"She only talks to Kou whenever she wants something... She's a slutty gold digger"

Stop it...

"She completely neglects him at school, seriously I bet she forces him to sleep with her"

I don't...

"Kou could do way better than Y/N..."

I know...

I put my earphones and I keep walking to class, once I get there, I see more fangirls. Stupid bitches...

I pull out my phone and I feel a pull on my right ear.

"Hey Masokitty! Wassup?", He said cheerfully. I say nothing, I feel Kou's fangirls glaring daggers at me. "Ehhh? You changed your screensaver?! Whhhyyyy? We looked so cute together in that photo!" He whined.

"So? Am I not allowed to change my background photo? And must you be so... Over the top?", I deadpanned, I only get into trouble when Kou gives me attention in public.

"Take it easy, I was just asking... Anyway, what're you listening to?", Kou said placing the earphone into his ear.

"Hey!"

"Huh...? Everybody Wants To Rule The World again?", He asked.

"Loser...", One of the girls uttered.

"You seem off today? You doin alright?", He asked in a worried voice.

"Nothing, I just didn't get much sleep last night!"

"Maybe because I didn't let you sleep last night?~ I'm sorry! You know how I get when I'm needy~", he said putting his arm around my waist.

Jesus Christ! No need to bring it up infront if people you dumbass! I felt more glares of horror and burning hatred being stabbed into me.

"Y/N, you listen to a song on loop when you're upset, are you sure it's okay?"

"Geez, I'm on my period okay!", I hissed... God, why can't he just leave me alone in school?

"it actually ended last-"

"Can you shut the fuck up for five seconds?!"

Everyone looked at me... Kou just glared at me, well, I'm in for it tonight.

I walked into class and I just tried to forget... everything. Why did I have to say that?!

I quickly leave the class after the bell rang and I headed straight for the girls bathroom hastily. I lock myself in a stall and went on my phone, again.

"Kou would look sooo good with Megumi right?", A feminine voice sighed.

"Doesn't he already have a girlfriend? It's that Y/N girl right?"

"I hate that bitch, she told him to shut the fuck up today, the audacity"

"Seriously?- Oh hey Megumi!"

Who's Megumi? I heard she's some really famous model/idol. I listen in on their conversation.

"Hey guys! What's up?", She said enthusiastically.

"Did you hear what Y/N said to Kou today?"

"Hm? Yeah I heard about it... Poor Kou, he must feel so abused by her. Also I asked him if he wanted to do a photoshoot with me and he said yes!"

My heart sank at her words... He really said that he'd do it with her? I get an Instagram notification that Kou updated his story, I went on and it read: Doing a photoshoot with Megumi! I'm so excited! I'll put pictures on later!

I turned my phone off in defeat. I'll stay with him for the plan... Not because I'm in love with him. I'm sick of the shit he does at this point. I wait for the girls to leave, which didn't take long so I left the stall and went to wash my hands. "Hey you stupid bitch!", A voice screamed at me. I ignored it. "DONT FUCKING ANNOY ME BITCH!".

I looked at her and I felt a strong impact on my face and I felt something run down my face. I looked in the mirror and blood was spilling down. The girl and her friends took turns hitting me and they left after 5 painful minutes.

I hate this...

I walk out to the nurse's office and grabbed a large plaster for my face and walked out. Why can't this day just end? I wanna go back and go to bed.

"Masokitty...?"

"Yeah... What's up?"

"What happened to your face?"

"I..."

I saw the group of girls snickering at me.

"I fell..."

"Is that right?", He said getting serious. The way he was looking at me made me wanna crawl under a rock and die. School was over before I knew it and the car ride was silent, a very awkward silence.

"I wanna talk when we get back Masokitty... I'm not very happy on how you were acting today, it was sooo embarrassing"

Yuma pursed his lips and widened his eyes, knowing that some major tea is going to go down.

"I'm sorry for being such an embarrassment...", I said shyly, not looking him in the eyes.

Does he honestly think that he'd be the one suffering...?

"I don't think you're an embarrassment Livestock... Kou, you need to think about Eve, her happiness should be your top priority. The plan is almost finished"

"I-it's really fine, it's not like it matters to me whether I'm happy or not...", I deadpan looking out the window.

"Jesus Christ! What the hell is your problem today?! You're starting to piss me off!", Yelled Kou.

"It doesn't matter, I'll just...deal with it myself or whatever", I sighed listlessly.

"Eve... isn't...acting...like...her...normal...self...at school... you...tend...to...be....much...happier...at... home....are...you...sure...that... you're... fine....at....school?", Said Azusa, clearly worried.

"I'm fine, don't worry about me. Nothing that bad has happened", I said smiling.

"Oh, also I gotta go out later today", said Kou.

"Be back before dinner, what time are you going at?", Asked Ruki. He's such a mom sometimes.

"Uhhh... 12:00 to 15:00. Shouldn't you of all people be curious as to where I'm going Masokitty?", Hissed Kou.

"Not really no, just don't do anything dumb"

Kou ignored you for the rest of the car ride and avoided you for the rest of the night.

It was time for you to go to bed, you just went to your own room because you thought he didn't want you to sleep next to him.

It was 16:00... He should've been home by now... I checked his Instagram and...

He and Megumi made such a good couple... Comments on the post said that they should start dating, they'd make such a great couple.

What is this... Inferiority?

This crushing feeling like I'll never be good enough for Kou...

Do I only love Kou because... He's someone no one else can have? Do I see him as a trophy...?

Does he only see me as a blood bag? Something he can use for his amusement?

I turn off my phone and flop onto my bed, Jesus Christ, I wanted to cry until I eventually drown into my tears.

It feels like Kou's moving away from me... And I hate it.

Ruki POV-

"Explain this Kou", I ordered showing him an image on my phone of his going into some girls apartment. I was beyond annoyed with him for what he did.

Kou was looking at the photo in shock. "You slept with that girl didn't you?! Incase you haven't noticed, you have a girlfriend, who has seen this and questioning her worth to you"

"Ruki! I didn't sleep with her and most importantly, Y/N saw?!", He yelled. "She even said that you and Megumi made a good couple today at lunch"

Kou looked like he was about to cry.

"I knew it was weird, how she was always trying to avoid me at school. I ruined her..."

About time he came to his senses...

"She even told me that she'll stay to fulfill the plan, not for you. The stress of choosing an Adam was hard enough, but the stress of her Adam not loving her is worse"

Kou rushed off finally. Besides, I knew he'd never cheat on her. He loves her too much...

Y/N P.O.V.

I was looking outside my window and I heard running down the hall, Kou burst in with no context and rushed over to me.

I tensed up and closed my eyes, thinking that he'd yell at me but instead, he just stood infront of me helplessly crying like a child. He leant down and embraced me like I was going to disappear in seconds.

"I'm...I'm s-sorry! I was o-only thinking about m-myself!", He cried, I could barely decipher what he was saying yet I had an idea why he was being so apologetic.

Because I saw the picture of him going into Megumi's home and he wants me to keep being in his little harem.

I out one arm around him and keep a listless face, knowing him he's just trying to manipulate me into feeling sorry for him.

"Grow the fuck up, you're just sad because you got exposed and I'm just the most convenient to go and cry to"

He looked at me and started crying even more. "SHUT UP! I LOVE YOU AND I'D CHOOSE YOU OVER MEGUMI- NO ANY MAN OR WOMAN OUT THERE!", he yelled.

"R-Ruki told me that... You think that I no longer care about you or love you... I don't want to be around those girls, they only like me because I'm attractive and famous but you- you've seen me at my worst and most violent, yet you've still stayed with me... Thank you... Thank you so much Y/N, my precious Eve"

I hug him back and I felt like crying, however, there was still a little demon on my shoulder telling me that he was faking it.

"Kou...there's no way that I'd be good enough for someone like you"

His mood swing came and he aggressively grabbed my shoulders. "How the hell can you say that?! Jesus Christ, you're the most precious thing to me! I'd sacrifice my career for you in a heartbeat!"

I'm getting mixed feelings here, he says he loves me but he sounds like he's gonna strangle me any second. Why couldn't Yui be an option? She can be my Lilith but that's not the point.

"Stop lying to me...", I whisper, holding onto him tighter.

"I'm not... You know how much I hate lies"

"Stop lying..."

"I'm not", he said softly holding onto me.

I start crying quietly, feeling a lot better that Kou gave me the verification that I so desperately wanted to hear, yet there was still some lingering doubt.

We skipped school to hangout and to do other stuff.

Timeskip~ Monday

"Kou! You looked so handsome in that photoshoot!"

"Thanks! But I don't have time to talk today because I need to focus on my special lady", he said politely.

"It's been awhile since we both went to class together", I said. I was in much better spirits because he was with me.

I guess being around with Kou in public isn't that bad.

IDGAF if I made mistakes, just deal with it because I'm too lazy...

[noroger]

Your gonna lose that girl.

George Harrison x Reader

Summary: George falls for Roger Taylor’s girl.

Its a follow on from my fic ‘take good care of my baby, roger taylor x reader’ but they still make sense if you read them on their own.

i hope you like it @givemequeen :), im glad you liked the original fic enough to request more.

Im very sorry its taken so long,, i haven’t really been in the mood to write recently.

I have 8 different scenes in here so she thicc.

You're gonna lose that girl

(Yes, yes, you're gonna lose that girl)

You're gonna lose that girl

(Yes, yes, you're gonna lose that girl)

You had found yourself comfortable on a bar stool for the past 20 minutes sipping on drinks that got more stonger the more you bought.

Usually you would be at home waited for your boyfriends phone call but since he hadn’t called you for the past 2 nights you decide to stop mopping around home and mope around in a bar instead.

You were so absorbed in thought that you didn’t hear the comotion of the guy sitting beside you on another bar stool until he spoke.

“Whatever your drinking smells strong” he lighting said which made you jump a little.

You turned your head around and were met with brown eyes.

George Harrison.

Of course you knew who he was, you used to see him at parties wandering around or the media.

You let out a little tut as you picked up the glass and swiftly downed the rest “not strong enough” you spoke.

“Why’s that?, something going on?” he softly asked and he picked up his drink too.

You scoffed to yourself, “something like that” you answered as you called the bartender over to order yourself another drink.

“Wanna tell me?”

You let out a soft laugh “im not about to be one of those bar stereotypes, the ones who come to drink and then spill all their sorrows out on a stranger”.

You heard him chuckle softly from beside you.

“Where’s Roger Taylor anyway, your usually never off his arm?”

You gave him an offended look and his eyes started to widen as he realised how bad it sounded and you raised an eyebrow at him as he started to stutter.

“I-i well, i just meant that your always with him cause your his girl and-... shit im sorry” he stopped his rambling with a worried chuckle as he ran his hand through his brown locks.

“It dont matter” you shrugged as you sipped your drink, “not really sure im his girl anymore”.

George looked at you with a confused look as you chugged the rest of your drink.

“Talk to me” he spoke as he put a hand on your thigh which weirdly felt comforting rather than it being seen as him trying to cop a feel.

You could see the worried look in his deep eyes and yiu knew he meant no harm, he did relly care about the situation and he wanted to help comfort you rather than help you drink all your sorrows away.

So you told him about the distance you and Roger had created, Roger lying about his whereabouts and coming home at early hours in the morning, him forgetting important things.

George was so helpful that night and you hated to admit it but you felt butterflies form in your stomach when he would smile at you from time to time or when his hand would brush against yours.

He helped you home that night after he let you cry on his shoulder, his warm embrace comforting you and you felt like you had known this man for years.

He helped you up the stairs and into your bed ad you passes out in sleep straight away from being so drunk and exhausted from crying. He made sure to leave a glass of water and aspirin at your bedside table and he locked the door for you and posted the keys through the letter box.

You didnt know any of this happened untill you woke up confused, the one thing you didnt know even when you woke up was that he set a small loving kiss to the top of your forehead before he left.

If you don't take her out tonight

She's gonna change her mind

(She's gonna change her mind)

And I will take her out tonight

And I will treat her kind

(I'm gonna treat her kind)

The next time you and George met it was at this small coffee shop that you loved, the one you and Roger would always go to so he could focus on his song writing.

It wasn’t coincidental that you had met George at the coffee shop obviously, he had left his number on the beside table the night he helped you home.

At first you both agreed as meeting on terms as friends but as weeks past, the more time you spent with George the more you seemed to forget about Roger.

It felt wrong, you thought Roger would be the one for you but George seemed to overtake him. You would never replace Roger but being with George felt better and you hated to admit it.

George took you out ever chance he would, you wouldn’t care if it was just to his house or to a fancy restaurant as long as you guys were together.

You started staying up later on the phone to each other, laughing about random things. You started missing each othet the days you couldn’t be together.

He started sending flowers or a box of chocolates to your house with cute little notes on the days he was busy at the studio or if your day was occupied.

Your heart felt full when you were with him.

Roger took half your heart away with him when he went on tour but George filled back up the missing piece.

“I dont know why this feels so wrong and so right at the same time” you breathed out as your head rested on Georges chest.

He hummed in response as his eyes were closed, taking in the moment.

You were both lying on his couch in the living room, having just watched a movie together.

“I know i know, just don’t think of it like your doing something wrong to Roger, just think of us as two friends hanging out” he softly spoke.

You cuddled deeper into him as you nodded and focused on the tv infront of you that was now playing your favourite movie.

You're gonna lose that girl

(Yes, yes, you're gonna lose that girl)

You're gonna lose that girl

(Yes, yes, you're gonna lose that girl)

If you don't treat her right, my friend

You're gonna find her gone,

(You're gonna find her gone)

'Cause I will treat her right, and then

You'll be the lonely one

(You're not the only one)

“I’ve fallen for you George and i hate but love it all at the same time because i’m with another man, but i really do love you and i just wanted to know if you feel the same way?”

The shocked expression on his features made your heart pound faster in your chest.

“D-do you not feel the same way?” you quietly asked.

“No, of course i do love” he chuckled softly. “Just a bit surprised that you’ve fallen for me, i mean why would you want a ex beatles member when you have a queen drummer”.

“George, none of that matters” you shook your head as you moved forward to byour closer to him. “I’ve fallen for you because your the most amazing man in the world, you treat me so good”.

George felt his breath hitch at how close your faces were.

Your heart rate started to pick up and you felt both of you start to lean in as your eyes were both locked on each other’s lips.

As soon as your lips were about to touch you turned you head so he would kiss your cheek instead.

You closed your eyes as you felt him pull back and sigh, you didn’t want to see the hurt look on his face.

“I’m sorry” you whimpered. “I can’t, not just now, not when i’m still with Roger” you spoke as you felt you lip quiver.

“No, it’s okay love” he spoke as he placed his hand in your face. “Love look at me”.

“I understand” he placed a soft kiss to your forehead and wrapped you in his arms.

You're gonna lose that girl

(Yes, yes, you're gonna lose that girl)

You're gonna lose that girl

(Yes, yes, you're gonna lose that girl)

You're gonna loooooooo...

(Yes, yes, you're gonna lose that girl)

I'll make a point

Of taking her away from you

(Watch what you do)

Yeah

The way you treat her

What else can I do?

(You're gonna lose that girl)

Your breath hitched in your throat as the sound of the telephone rang our through your house knowing fine well that it was Roger calling.

You tried to rush to the phone but also tip toe so you didn’t wake up the sleeping man that slept where Roger usually would.

“Hello?” you spoke trying to be quiet.

“Hello love” you could practically see his smile through his words as you sighed into the receiver. “I know your probably mad at me for not calling in several days love” he spoke “we’ve just been so busy with rehearsals and then we have the shows and then i just feel so exhausted after” you knew he was lying, you could tell as soon as he even started the sentence that it would be another blatent lie.

“I understand” you spoke softly into the receiver, your disappointment in the relationship deepening even more.

“Your always so patience with me, i love you for that” his voice spoke into the phone from miles away and your heart raced as you knew you still loved this man even thought there was another man you had secretly been seeing sleeping in this place on your shared bed in your shared home.

“Of course Roger” you said in a monotone voice as you looked at the door of your bedroom that was just opened wide enough to see George’s sleeping figure.

“How are you?”

“I’m okay, but uh,” you hesitated, “we need to talk when you get back” you said sternly.

There was a pause before he spoke up “everything okay?”

“We’ll speak when you come home Roger” the word ‘home’ felt unnatural to say now, because this place wasnt your home anymore, you didn’t want it to be.

You're gonna lose that girl

(Yes, yes, you're gonna lose that girl)

You're gonna lose that girl

(Yes, yes, you're gonna lose that girl)

You're gonna loooooooo...

(Yes, yes, you're gonna lose that girl)

“God Y/N!, stop being so selfless!” Your friend hissed at you.

“It doesn’t matter how Roger feels okay, it’s about how you feel” She spoke has she took your hand into hers.

You were explaining the whole situation to her from meeting George in the bar, to your terrible excuse of a relationship with Roger and how you had fallen for George without having any sexual intimacy involved, all of the feelings come from complete love from your heart.

“If you love George and he feels the same then you need to be with George even if that means hurting Roger, with or without George being involved you shouldn’t still be in this relationship” She spoke as you listened so deeply to her words.

You sighed deeply as you nodded. “I know” you concluded as she wrapped you up in a deep hug.

I'll make a point

Of taking her away from you

(Watch what you do)

Yeah

The way you treat her

What else can I do?

The silence was defining and Roger looked at you waiting for you to spit the words, your heart thumping in your chest didn’t help at all.

“I’m sorry Roger, but i’ve fallen for another man” you sobbed out.

You couldn’t look at his face, you didn’t want to, but when he didn’t respond you had worried he’d walked out somehow without you knowing.

Making eye contact with him, his mouth at gape as his eyes tearing up, ‘okay’ he choked out as he nodded and then stood up to walk outside into the back garden.

You felt hurt for how short his answer was and for how he walked away, did he really not care?.

You felt the tears flow freely as you looked around your once loved home, all the memories you shared together. First visiting the house to decorating to all the loving nights together, to the arguments.

The picture that sat in the frames mocked you, you hated to look at them because you guys looked so happy together and you hated that it had to be like this.

“I can help you pack?” you jumped at the sudden voice that came from behind yo.

“Roger”- you breathed our as you saw his hurt face “im so sorry” you whimpered out as he shook his head, he understood and you knew that.

“Stop it, you deserve to be with someone who can love and treat you right” he spoke as he wrapped you into a hug.

You let out a sob as you took in his scent in once last time, the smoke still strong from his last cigarette but the sweet smell of the shampoo he used caught your attention the most because it was the most beautiful smell ever.

“I will always love you y/n, i know ive been a shitty boyfriend and i wish things would have been different” he hummed into your hair as wet drops fell into it.

You hoped that was never the last time you’d see Roger, maybe you guys could somehow be friends?.

If you don't take her out tonight

She's gonna change her mind

(She's gonna change her mind)

And I will take her out tonight

And I will treat her kind.

(I'm gonna treat her kind)

You slammed harshly on the familiar door, the rain outside poured harshly, soaking into your clothes and your tears soaking your face.

The brown door swung open and you were met with a worried expression.

“I did it-“ you breathed out “we are over” you continued as the man you loved stood infront of you.

George sighed out in relief as he pulled you into the house and immediately went to get you a change of clothes.

When he came back down you got changed and he immediately took you into his arms, pulling you down onto the couch and wrapping a blanket around the two of you.

“G-george-“ you croaked out as you looked up into his eyes.

He nodded softly, waiting for you to carry on.

“I love you” you whispered for the first time as you brought your hand up to be placed on his face and he leaned into your touch.

“I love you too” he moved to kiss your hand as his eyes lit up as you spoke the words.

He didnt speak after that, he knew you were heartbroken and he understood that you needed time. No words were needed to be spoken as the silence was comforting.

You started to drift asleep, wanting to forget the days evets for just a couple hours.

The small loving kiss George had placed on your forehead the first time you met was placed back onto your head as you slep peacefully.

“Im so glad your mine” he spoke softly.

You're gonna lose that girl

(Yes, yes, you're gonna lose that girl)

You're gonna lose that girl

(Yes, yes, you're gonna lose that girl)

You're gonna lose that girl

(Yes, yes, you're gonna lose that girl)

[punkscowardschampions]

Indie & Rio

Indie: [sends her the posts because no other way she'd see them] Rio: Shit, girl Rio: I was worried it might go down like this Indie: she's so extra Indie: never should have let him in the door Indie: the feds are gonna be hardcore @ it now Rio: Surely she let him out Rio: stupid woman Rio: but that's gonna pale in comparison now so Rio: What's Drew doing about it? Indie: boy was begging for a sick time & i gave it but its on me not him 😒😒 hold ur liquor u tourist Indie: hes flat roofin but other than that no thing to 👀 Indie: it b early tho & we all had a late Rio: They're a 24/7 services though, babe Rio: he'll be wanting to move his stash and generally clear his act up for the visit Rio: you too Indie: is it? on hols too thats a madness Indie: yeah the drum be clear of all his goods like that Indie: idk man mayb its chill like she gonna post that & not post up no harder than Rio: They might take xmas day off maybe but you know Rio: business as usual for all jan 1st Rio: well that's something Rio: maybe, but bitches like that LOVE making complaints about everything so maybe not Indie: she do have that talk to the manager vibe Indie: i done fucked up real didnt i? Rio: big time karen Rio: nah, in the eyes of everyone it's Drew that did Rio: but they won't be able to prove the drugs bit if they're gone so it's not enough to take you, a party gone wrong, bad judgment but maybe we can swing it that he was here somehow Rio: hmm Indie: but like he had mad trust for me & i brought him mad problems Rio: they're grown problems, he's big enough to fix 'em Indie: u too making ur nite go off on a real turn Indie: bet ur boy is bare vexed Rio: you know i'd rather you ring me than let it go more tits Rio: what are big sisters for Rio: but yeah, didn't even see him in the end so he ain't stopped Indie: innit Indie: tell him he can hit me up for something to take off that edge Indie: debts be paid around here Rio: um you ain't supposed to have no thing 'scuse you Rio: there's a plan here Indie: i gots places & heads to trust in Rio: nah, I'll make it up to him, don't worry 'bout that Indie: 😉😉😉 Rio: 😏 shush lil girl Indie: grown problems ur big enough to fix i kno 💋🤤🤤 Rio: so thirsty, go hydrate Rio: know you need to 😘 Indie: rude i got lipsed by bare boys last nite they were rigging dem bottle spins cos im 🔥🔥 dont b tryna put me out Rio: you need to cool off for a minute, bitch Rio: you in trouble Indie: not wit u Rio: yeah, don't push it 😉 Indie: 💔😢😢 dont do me like that on day 1 of the year 🙏🙏🙏 Rio: it started HOURS ago and I was still here with you cleaning blood out the carpet Rio: don't talk to me about day 1s when I'm clearly ride or die Indie: u kno im good for ious & i got mad love Rio: 🧡 Rio: i'm good really Rio: let's sort the actual situation Indie: u gonna charm the social for me? Rio: give it my best Indie: safe ✌✌ Rio: probably the straightest middle-aged lady Rio: so more likely your da will have to get on it Indie: 😂😂😂 Indie: what drew b good for Rio: init tho Indie: we all been knew Indie: he better werk so it works Rio: Sure it won't be too hard, like Rio: even if she ain't all that 😂 Indie: she aint gon b bangin but his exes show he aint need that to chirp on Rio: 👀 Indie: 😂😂😏😏 Indie: can u roll up wit eats im about to die Rio: bit rude to both our ma, like lmao Rio: 'course Rio: bring leftovers Indie: ur ma dont count as no ex cos she ✖ed him out Indie: & my ma got that permanent ✖ so bigger problems than my shade innit Rio: no problems when you an 👼 Rio: fucking hopefully Indie: u my 👼 bringing that energy Indie: that means u can jam Rio: is it? Rio: 😏 Rio: let Ryan know eh Indie: he kno u a 😈 too Indie: how he be livin Rio: mhmm Rio: well he gon' have to wait for now Indie: he gon have beef wit me Indie: soz boyyy Rio: nah we was already beefin' 'fore this Indie: yeah? Indie: what he do? 👀 Rio: nah, what I do more like Rio: you know I'm 😈 Indie: o shit Indie: gimme that 411 Rio: nothing exciting Rio: just be looking too bad to be giving him that much air, you know the drill Indie: hes so hyped for u Indie: its been weeks boy no u cant cuff it Indie: who u think u is Rio: can you blame him Rio: hot property, baby Indie: u did look 💣💣💣 last nite my bad Indie: theres a boy @ school tryna chat @ the rest hes my bf so i feel it fr Indie: boy please DO I LOOK LIKE Indie: not tryna hold ur damn hand Rio: is he cute tho Indie: if he werent he wouldnt be able to chat no thing Indie: 💪 fuck him up Rio: 😂 Rio: gotta 'tect the rep Indie: he kno it tho & its like tell me how 🔥🔥 i am dont b talking on urself all the time Rio: not a mood Indie: innit Indie: dry as Rio: that's boys for you Indie: & he didnt show last nite Rio: playing hard to get or just got parents who give a fuck Indie: year up x 2 so he could come thru the ends whenever Indie: but i 💋 all his mandem so itll hit back Rio: play @ his own game  alright Indie: do u think i went too hard tho? Rio: do you want him to be your mans or nah Indie: idk Rio: then it depends Rio: beyond knowing he loves himself, idk how he's vibing Rio: might be too far Indie: hes vibing like hes about me but i Rio: but you? Indie: how do i live that Indie: trust it Indie: drews meshing a new every week he says u gotta keep free on it Rio: works for him Rio: everyone's different Rio: you don't have to trust him yet Indie: mayb hes only about me til i give him something & im not tryna be a show like that Rio: that happens, not gonna sit here and lie and say it don't Rio: you're too young to be thinking on that or worrying Rio: keep him and the rest waiting Indie: yeah okay Indie: gimme a few to have puberty roll up Indie: still waiting on that Rio: it'll happen Rio: not that it's a barrel of laughs, like Rio: nothing to be hyped about Indie: i dont want it Indie: freaky shit going on Rio: unless you gonna stop eating, which unlikely Rio: you fucked, babe, we all are, soz Rio: get boobies though, perks Indie: that best not be you tryna skip on bringing me a meal bitch Indie: bout to hit the afterlife running here like Rio: 🙄 omw you rude ass hoe Rio: like you said, none of us had earlies Indie: omw fr or like when u tell ur mans u @ the club but u still tryin on fits in ur room Rio: like fr when I ever done you like that Indie: dont b starting Indie: ily Rio: 🤞 never Rio: ily more Indie: drews back if u wanna spit at him how to sort his life Rio: i will Rio: he ain't ready for this Indie: resolutions b dashing past this postcode we all avoidin that change Rio: you gotta Rio: sort you both Indie: hey swerve me im good Rio: 😏 Rio: fine i'll focus on your daddy Rio: no love for you Indie: 👼👼🤞🤞 Indie: call him that when you give it & he'll give in Rio: oh you schooling me on how to get blokes to do what I want now Rio: ok miss thing Indie: just him i 👂 what i hear & i kno what i kno Indie: hes here for all that Rio: you poor child Rio: anything grosser than parents going at it 😬 Indie: nah man its nasty & long being under this roof sometimes trust Rio: 🤢 Indie: some of his girls got me tempted to 📱 the social my own self & my ma looking like a saint Rio: that ain't right Rio: negates any buffness he got going on Indie: why lads wanna get on or under ANYTHING?! Indie: true madness Indie: 😂😂😂 Rio: friction 🤷 Indie: yeah but like theres girls out there bringing it & you're gonna hit that Rio: he probably ain't got as much choice as he fronts Rio: lots of grown women ain't about his lifestyle so that leaves him w the younger ones who is Rio: stick at it too long, you get busted, just facts Indie: when you old & so is your baggage 😂😂✌✌ Rio: I mean Rio: I ain't say nothing 😉 Indie: keep that ☮ mama Rio: least he looks p young still Rio: nothing worse than an actual creepy old man dealer Indie: do he? 👴 to me Rio: nah Rio: he only what, 31 Rio: that's no thing to me, gurl Indie: mayb im just 🍋 cos he aint tryna gimme no 💸💸💸 Indie: & he aint caring my head hurts Rio: aw bb Rio: 'round the corner Rio: I'll look after you Indie: 💖💖💖 Indie: u didnt tell me it b like this tho partying Rio: didn't think i had to be that quick with the warnings Rio: next day hurts Indie: always? Rio: 'less you prepare and do it right Rio: it can be bearable Rio: better than you feeling, no doubt Indie: how i do that? school me yeah Rio: 'course Rio: on the to-do list now Indie: we doing the next as a back to school thing so you got a few to bring me up Rio: you best be doing it at some other fucker's gaff and all Rio: giving me grey hairs 🙄 Indie: 😂😂✌✌ Indie: imma make that boy host it Indie: if he love me Rio: You're getting a chaperone regardless Indie: serious? Rio: yeah Indie: 💔💔💔 Rio: don't start like you don't know why Indie: i aint trippin you are tho if u think i want a repeat Rio: what, you too cool for me now? Indie: innit 😏😏😏 Indie: but nah just Rio: you so is Rio: you think imma embarrass you in-front of your mans Indie: he aint gon b my mans if u there Indie: whos 👀 me over u Rio: nah don't be silly Indie: im being real Indie: ur 💣💣💣🔥🔥🔥 Rio: so are you Rio: and I don't think a lad who likes you will be into me Indie: every lad b into u they all chat on u fully 😍😍😍💘💘😍 Rio: sounds like plenty are into you too Indie: 😂😂 it was for the spin Indie: cant pussy out Rio: 😏 mhmm Rio: well I promise you I won't be joining in, like Rio: now come let me in if you got strength to get the door Indie: 💪💪 babyyy Indie: [lets her in cos fuck know what drew is doing, flexing in the mirror probably] Rio: [lol watch him rush out when he realize] Indie: [hears her voice & runs out pretending to be casual] Rio: [oh boy, do not deserve her sorting your life, temporarily, but it's for Indie so] Indie: [bless her she's dying rn & just wants to be snuggled cos literal child] Rio: [give them a sec 'scuse you sir] Indie: [I hate everything about this, Carly didn't die for this] Rio: [just making leftovers] Indie: [drew chatting to her like she's here to hang with him & we all know] Rio: [don't you touch caleb's food bitch] Indie: [is nothing sacred you slag] Indie: [indie just fully lying stretched out on the counter like its a bed like let me die] Rio: [getting a bag of peas or some shit in a tea towel and putting it on her head] Indie: [such a good mum but that don't mean you can step ma her drew] Rio: [not her fault she can converse more like a grown-up than you Indie: [we should send Indie running off to the bathroom no offense Caleb but I'm evil & wanna leave them alone for a sec for the mood] Rio: [shoulda gone to hold her hair but now you can level with him and he can pretend he's a responsible adult lmao] Indie: [& Ryan can be highkey & he can pretend he cares] Rio: [ah the joys]

[lokisrevolt]

I'm tired.

The reason for publicly shaming me and minimizing my being overwhelmed with a situation.

Is they are hurt and being defensive...

I haven't spoken ill of even the parts that hurt me the most to anyone.

Nor have I exaggerated and made it all one side fits all.

Those who have asked I tell both sides as well as I can without being bitter.

Everytime I've been posted about publicly is to put a community of hooks in me... yet I'm the one that needs to have trust restored in.

You did the opposite of something I practically begged for once because it made me feel better.

I hope you get everything sorted out... if you want to be friends I need a few things though.

An open and honest proper fucking public apology.

Properly detailing what the issue was and all of the steps you ignored that I asked for to change it with the limited knowledge I had for helping myself.

Or the fact that in the end I said I was going to seek counseling and you still shamed me saying "you didn't improve at all in two years so what's one more?" When I did.

I fucking did change a bit for the better...

I let you be there while I cried for hours.

I actually told you how much little things meant to me.

I told you I wanted to feel important and like a trophy.

I let you know what insecurities I had and the only one you actively focused on was me hating my voice.

In person you understood when I went quiet something was wrong and you'd go "baby what's on your mind?" In a smooth welcoming tone.

But when the distance was back it was a flat "what's wrong?" That always made me worry whatever I'd say would come back...

You'd seen me shake a few times and shrugged it off because you were busy. You were stressed.

But back to the question what's wrong?

Nothing is wrong I'm managing a work load it's life I'm used to it.

"Baby boy / puppy brr what's on your mind?"

I melt. I'm hurt, I'm stressed, I don't feel good enough to have gotten so fucking far in life. I don't feel like I'm supposed to be part of the bloodline I am until the bad of it comes out. I want to cry but I dont want to feel like a pussy or a bitch. I just really want to know and believe from the person who's speaking that it's all alright... that's whats on my mind now. If you asked me then I'd probably include some stupid fucking joke about boobs because their my favorite piece of anatomy. But I don't have anyone's I care to see now.

Why did it take the counselor two days to figure out which questions to ask when the information had already been there so long we never thought about it?

Why do I think even if I wait for you to be "rational" you'll still just be at my throat and not even properly validate that posting where you bash me publicly and minimize that I was overwhelmed because of everything...

When I'd never fucking minimized you being anxious even over something small.

I'd never fucking minimized you when a depressive state came in.

I never shamed you for not being in a mood for things.

I've also kept my mouth shut with all but two issues you'd rattled so deeply into my head I want to push the buttons so bad... but that's not a healthy way to cope.

I'm exhausted to a point my brain barely can muster up the good because of that shit earlier...

I want to pretend like it didn't happen.

That instead of everytime something I did bothered you you told me that it bothered you instead of "no it's my fault." It would have made me actually think to fucking change sooner...

Anyway, there's my piece ig. I'm going back to Jayde's, getting stoned and probably pretending I didn't give you my back on the trip ever. Didn't give little pieces of my vulnerability to see what you'd do with them for mixed results. I'm hoping for back rubs and an I miss you when I get to my destination. Anyway enjoy your night.

[kurgy]

yo I hate to ask like this but please know it's coming from a genuine place of understanding. I'm a trans individual, no college education (I didn't even graduate hs), no family whatsoever, i have bipolar/anxiety/ptsd/insomnia, and also my back is hella fucked.. but i still got a shitty job @ the local mall yknow? idk your situation is horrible and i know it'd be stressful, but it'd be better than being constantly vulnerable. have u applied anywhere recently? min wage is still $$$

same anon as the last ask! it can be really hard to work your ass off for like $7-$8/hr but honestly if you were getting enough shifts at this job you wouldn't have to rely so much on art as an income (im aware that it can be stressful, i used to freelance a lot), and you certainly wouldnt have to beg online for help from strangers--which can be v difficult. i used to work in phoenix and the jobs didnt pay great, but i made enough to get out of AZ within a few months (while payin rent n all)

god i normally just delete these but im already in a bad mood i get these things (albeit normally more aggressively) everyday and ive had enough and need y’all to understand something. im already doing everything im physically capable of to keep myself fed and bills paid. theres no “just get another job” advice you could possibly give me that i either havent already heard or isnt useful at all. or both. this is worded nicely but its the same damn “just do more” message that doesnt fucking work. 

im really not sure where to even begin with this, i think im just overwhelmed by the fact that i have yet another person coming into my inbox assuming to know everything about my situation and what i do with my time based on what theyve read from my donations post and acting nice by giving really typical “advice” as if im an idiot and havent already been looking for a better paying job than what i have right now. 

youre trying to be nice, i get it, i appreciate the nonaggressive way you worded this, but when it comes down to it this is still one of the many asks or comments i get from people daily who think they know so much more than me and think im not already doing everything i can. the most i can say is at least you didnt outwardly condemn me for having a donations post/fundraiser. 

just because we’re both trans and have mental illnesses doesnt mean our situations are the same. i have a personality disorder, paranoid schizophrenia, daily command hallucinations that demand i injure myself that i cannot stop (as in i cause myself physical harm daily and cant control my impulses which is u know bad), ptsd, severe depression, and an actual diagnosed physical disability that hinders me from doing the most basic of tasks, hell i cant even walk. even if i keep my mental disabilities to myself when job hunting, i have to share the information about my physical disability eventually, and guess what? it makes me a workplace liability. employers dont like workplace liabilities. i work 24/7 already, my art only being a fucking side job. you dont know me. you dont know what i do. and the only info you have about my situation is the info ive chosen to share. you dont know anything about my situation. and this doesnt even go into all the family trouble that directly affects my finances and quality of living. 

please just. do me a favor. if u see one of my donations posts, my commissions post, or any of my stores, and think “im going to go tell this person what 1000 other people with zero understanding of their situation have already said” just. dont. instead of sharing what you believe to be an insightful opinion on my increasingly fucked up life just. scroll past the post. you dont have to give it attention. you dont have to share it. just ignore it. because i can guarantee ive heard it all before, and it doesnt help anyone. 

oh and fyi, im already signed up with an organization to help people like me with schooling or job hunting, and its still a fruitless effort so far. theres no magical advice you can give me that will get me out of my shitty living situation or a better paying job that my actual case manager hasnt already been doing.

[thoughtsheldback-blog]

I love you. But you can be a jerk. Sometimes it's like you care more about needing a reason to care about being a good friend and partner than caring that I need it and you're the one I need. It's almost like you think it's okay when theres no issue and you can dish out affection, but when I need you you care more about why than helping me not fall apart. I get an inquisition where I was looking for a friend. And we are supposed to be uncondidtional. And when you insisted on needing to know why, I told you, and you got upset and said you needed space to calm down. Only you were gone for hours. And I was still upset from a fight the day before. Bit I gave you space. And when you didnt come back you said I was being bitchy. And I knew you were going to go back to sleep and leave me hanging. The think is I asked for your help. But you didnt like the way I asked and felt like I owed you for not asking the way you wanted. All I wanted was some love but you made a game of it. And I have to ask myself why you would do that to your person. The one you love unconditionally. Or so you say. What did I do to deserve that? What did I do to make you have to ask if I'm worth your time to comfort when I need you? Its things like that that make me keep score. You say you hate that I dont let things go. And this is why this post exists. But maybe I should keep score of that. I wasnt in the best mood, but I still asked for help. And you reject it because I didn't ask sweetly enough? I'm already down and you wanted to kick me more because I didnt use the right phrasing or wording and you felt like you were entitled to have more respect than a "please help me". I'm not okay with that. I'm not okay that i was upset and you went to sleep and I respected that you needed rest. But you said youd make it better when you woke up. But when you woke up you were snappy and sarcastic when I asked about it. And I said I needed your love and you needed to know why to see if it was worth your time. I wasnt distracting you from something important. I am conscious about not doing that. But is your ego really worth all that just so I can get a damn hug and a little affection from the dearest person in my life? I cant even ask what I did to deserve having to beg for your love. Because that's what that was. It wasnt because I was demanding or using you. I didnt say you had to and if I was a problem you could have just told me instead of playing games. But I wanted you. I needed you because you make me feel like everything will be okay. And being upset for hours and going to sleep with bad dreams and waking up to a salty attitude from you felt cruel. Especially making me ask for help in a way that satisfies your ego. I dont get why you did that. It's not like you. You didnt used to make me explain why you are needed. You were happy to help me. You wanted to make me happy. That felt cruel and even when I asked the way you wanted you said you were too upset to comply. To explain, you got upset when I told you why, and didn't come back for 4 hours. After you said you just needed to cool off. Implying you would when you came back. Then when I asked if you were back, you said yes. But still didnt comfort me. And me pointing that out and asking the way you wanted made you upset again. And you still didnt give affection because you were upset. I let you be upset and go calm down twice. All the while I am still upset for hours and hours and I ask for you to help me. So I'm hanging and i have to wait for when it's the right time and mood for you to help. You never used to do that to me. So I dont know what to say. I was depressed today but now I'm pissed too because you were too self important to comfort me for just a few minutes. And it made it worse.