#i dont know if that means i have more or less of a life than the people with 10+
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i guess im being offered the job lol
#i didnt even have to interview????? here i was worrying about oh god going for an interview#but i guess not???#manager called me just now and was like hey i spoke w the people they want to know if you can start on these dates#like. okay???????#theres a week of training for me to do and then the following week id start at thee job#like an idiot as i was saying bye on the phone i only remembered then that i should have asked if it was PAID training ugh.#im assuming so . but maybe not. idk#im gonna call him back on monday to give my answer#this is it.... i may finally be free of the annoying people....#but like anything i have my trepidations. bc who know if itll work out#well thats life. as the song goes#fortunately im still within the timeframe to change the amount for my commuter benefits pretax card thing#bc the monthly pass id need for the new job#costs like less than half of what i pay now for the bus to ny#crazyyyyy. anyway i gotta do that if i decide to take the job#its more money (a little. but still more. ok its like a dollar and 4 cents more. which not a lot but still)#i get more sleepytime (always good) and im saving on commuting#plus ill only have to pay nj (and federal) taxes. instead of also paying ny yay. thats good#sorry again weighing the pros and cons onstage here#UH. what else#well a shorter commute is good but it means less reading/music listening time#although ive only resumed reading recently lol#idk. well then i could read at home and not worry about my books getting messed up#these past couple weeks ive been :( that the like 70-something year old paperback ive been taking is getting a bit rougher#only a little. but yesterday it got a bit wet bc my bag got soaked in the rain#why am i taking a super old book to work well i dont know what to tell you we have some old books#ok getting off topic. everything seems good about the new job so fuck dude i guess ill go for it#finally free of the stupid people here.... on to new stupid people (undoubtedly)#well it's probably all good then but unfortunately i always worry what if it isnt. hm
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spoilers for the latest dungeon meshi ep but oh my GODDD i love marcille my pobrecita.. i think ryoko kui wrote sexism's effects on marcille really well, i think it's neat how she's a silly little guy and other people kind of underestimate her and it seems she is often down on herself about her failures or, "burdening" others in a way that feels very authentic to how it feels to be a woman and have that extra pressure of perfection to dispell suspicions of your inferiority. it's just very much the feeling i gather from it which makes marcille so relatable. and then to put another layer on it when it came out that she did black magic, she's literally A Bad Ass she is LITERALLY a Badass which makes her doubt of herself even more starkly inappropriate, and in this new episode despite the Fact that she is A Bad Ass when everyone's being a BIG MEANIE to her she's like a sad puppy when people don't let her help with revivals and like idk if i missed something but she doesn't even push back against them saying they're going to turn her in in like, a threatening way, she is just... scared. which hurt me i just wanted everyone stop being so MEAN TO HERRR my POBRECITAAAA. MY TINY LITTLE BABYY
i also laughed a lot and freaked out catching up on the two latest episodes today. DEVASTATING miscalculation on chilchuck's part to protect senshi when laois has No sense of Social cue. really happy to see laois and kabru meet, they're really funny together and i see why people like them so much as a ship now!! i am ECSTATIC that shuro is out of the game in terms of ehem. courting falin. bro COULDN'T HACK IT gEDDEM marcille. get that red dragon lady.. and omg it made me SOOOO MAD that they tried to blame marcille for that like how could that even b her fault!!! >:((( its obv the mad mage's doing. i dont get it they r just big meanies!!! stop shitting on my girl!!!
i like how kabru is like laios if he had more social awareness and was a litle Conniving... and omfg i thought it was so funny and sweet how shuro and laios just fucking beat each other up 😭 shuro said i hate autistic ppl fr. no but im glad he showed up for laios & co. in the end.. sometimes you just gotta talk ur feelings out over a fistfight lol
it was soo so fun seeing everyone interact .. all these fun characters... i cant wait to see what happens next!!! i love this show literally one of my fav animes EVER now definitely its so good its SOOOOOO GOOOOOOOD!! im terrified not knowing when its gonna end and how im gonna cope when the season ends 🗿 methinks i will have to read the manga instantly after or i will go insane from dungeon meshi withdrawal..
#dungeon meshi spoilers#this is totally just me rambling this show makes me so happyyyy#i usually hate rewatching stuff but idk if i just want to take everything or what#but i had a process of watching it like. rewatch old ep then watch new ep#and i also rewatched it all around ep 13 or something#but i think im going to rewatch it again just because I love ... so much..#is so good... need dunmeshi ..#i also need to develop my senshi tulpa more so my life is less disastrous#at least in terms of food and sleep#i slept until 7pm and then ate 3meals in a row so -_- need that senshi tulpa#lol the way laios did the im stronger than u thing but listed his food and sleep sched. as the reason 😭😭😭😭 beautiful . so beautiful#it makes me SAD that they tried to kill falin but realistically what else could they do.. i just dont want laios think monsters r all bad#or the rest of the crew. anymore...#may b theyre just friends and its the mad mages fault :((#and then kabru was like u have to kill orcs and im like NOOOOOOOOOo dont DO THAT#i was so SHOCOKED. SHOCKEKD when so many ppl were wiped out by falin. literally crazy sauce. broooo#i wuv dungeomeshi so much......#also i just have to say that shuro n laios fight? p gay...ngl#laios n falin r so similar its just falin is um. well better at masking#the Autism Twins (insert flame font(#its like i think shuro's feelings r genuine n not shallow for falin but i also dont think he knows her as well as he thinks.#i mean apparently he is Poor at connecting with others#love those guys. silly guys. the lot of em#chilchuck's being mad at marcile for black magic is a lot less annoying 2 me now that i know. other ppls react WAYYY worse#wuv em
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Whatever. Beni info dump
#btw i was using sentinel as a catch all term for beacons (angels)#The two factions are beacons and omens(?) not too sure#i want a more mechanical sounding word but if i dont find one theyll be omens still i guess#sentinels now are beacons that are sent down to earth undercover to study and keep watch of humans#beni and wyatt are both sentinels#not sure if i uploaded my wyatt drawing#just realized something im gonna have to think about#religious mention#so the souls if most everyone that dies are fed to the vessel (the thing passengers live on. both a place and a thing) and those souls just#cease to exist#though some are kept for studying purposes by the beacons#though beni can convince the beacons to keep some... but . she cant save them all#heartbreaking#that's why she initially decided to take down the passengers ...#the passengers are the general term for da beings#but i remember that the processors (beacon archivists) keep the memories and info abt every single dead person so maybe? beni can bring#people back? who knows#And by take down the passengers i mean both beacons and omens#yeah beacons like humans more than omens do... but they still largely see them as less valuable life forms than the passangers#for them its like. humans studying bugs.#and omens (generally) obv wouldn't care too much if humans all died...#they would just be mad that they have to find somewhere else to live now#and find a new life source#after theyd traveled so far to find it#lore#reapfreak
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I finally got my roku to work... through my phone 😅 apparently my backup remote wont work with the one I have so I'll still need to find my stupid real remote... but for now I can watch tv again! Yay
#i wanted to watch cold case but they gave me the equalizer and i dont know that one so im watching mockingjay part 1#i was gonna say idr if i saw it in theaters but i tememebr the dam breaking so i must have bc i remember being like YEAAAAAH and it#as in theaters so i guess i saw catching fire and part 1 with my former best friend and then part 2 with my then boyfriend (which was like#a DREAM for me agsgdgdgd i was like my favorite series and a boyfriend?? AND WE'RE AT THE MOVIES?!?' whdgdggdgdgdgd#but i dont remember like most of this movie im gonna be honest and it hits different watching it/thinking ah the series as an adult#also i finally realized why i didnt like prim til like i reread the books later in life it's that the actress looks so much more mature than#prim in the books like she looks more like she couldve taken care of herself in the games where in the books shes like rue in that she's so#small and still just a baby and that makes Katniss's actions much more touching in the book but watching the movies its like they look like#the same age almost not like 'thats my baby sister i have to save her shes MY baby too' like that visible relationship if that makes sense?#and in the movies they look like theyre both older so it's less believable to me? i mean the actress is talented dont get me wrong im just#saying i still have beef with the casting choices for some characters#anyway anyways finiiiiiick my booooooy! my maaaan! thats my maaan! i still love him sgdhdgdgdgdgd i got in FIGHTS over him lmaooo#not over who gets him but bc my friends didnt like him as much and i would get so mad lmaooo i miss those days that was funny#my poor dad listening to the same 'fight' over and over every time he drove us to hangouts agsgdgdgdggd he was like oh god not again please#ANYWAYS i wanna reread the books now for the gazillionth time sdggdgdgd#marquilla
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i send my friend suggestions of tourist places to see in his new country (his contract was extended, lucky him!) or messages about friend of friends i have living there that he could maybe meet for fellow americans to talk to, and his response is always that he doesnt have time. and not in that exaggerated way that people do to seem busy. but in that bone tired way i recognize from him here in LA, that i recognize in myself.
#jrnlsht#i watch the lives of my friends who have Made It on social media and its like looking through glass into another world i cant relate to#theyre so happy and confident and successful and its beautiful#you know whats a funny thing about LA#so many people on the on*line da*ting apps put *successful* on their list of requirements in the people they want to date#like theres a bar of entry and if you haven't reached a certain goal post like... blue check marks on your social media or a level of wealt#then they arent even going to want to get to know you#and its so antithetical to how i was raised i cant even comprehend#and yet i see it happening to my own relationships#in pittsburgh i had friends from literally ALL walks of life from people who made even less money than me to comfortable to fairly wealthy#here my friends are almost entirely of one professional class#and i have been observing how my hyper wealthy friends self select in who they interact with to maintain this wealthy bubble around them#i dont think it's entirely intentional but its also not not intentional if you know what i mean#anyway its one of the reasons i fucking loved the talk on saturday oh my god those two were a breath of fresh air i needed so much#these smart genius dudes built their own life and instead of constantly looking up for more and more personal gain#they paused and looked at the people still desperately trying to rise#and were like if i have gotten this far why cant i help you do it too and then they DID IT they actually started helping#i think that is the true meaning of success
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i like this card a lot i mean tbh they could release literally any chiaki card and id go crazy But i like it a lot but its not checking anything off my chiaki checklist
#i need. a new card with him with glasses#preferably his actual glasses like its been so many years but since some theme scouts have glasses as part of the outfit#thats ok too okay#i just miss glasses chiaki Sooo much#and also need a !! 5* where he isnt making :D >:D >:] or etc face#just let him cry basically is my request#its honestly funny looking at his !! 5*s its just :D :D >:D :D >:D :] :D >:D even most the bloomeds#which makes more sense and i am less mad about the bloomed cards having basically the same expression but#You know not that i wnt chiaki to be sad or cry (i do) BUTC OEM EOONNENOUUNFOUHHJHLLUHJJHJH#Just like a bit a variety. A bit. A little. come on#hes crying a little in his astreaea atelier Idk how to spell it the gay french card unbloomed#i likethat card a lot its cute i like scared chiaki Oh he should have a scared unbloomed 5* yes yes#anyways third item on my checklist is like a super cutesy chiaki card they dont really let him be cutesy often. i mean he is cutesy.#inherently he is cutesy but u know wha i mean#i still just think its fucked they havent let him look more than a tiny bit displeased since meteor impact#five real life years ago#Meet my demands at once or else/. Happyele theres blood on your hands. Thank you for the delicious food today though
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ANYWHO goodnight tumblr i'll be back on the art grind tomorrow i think 🙏
#haunted ecosystem#i'll take a burst of creativity in a different form than usual than the burnout slump i've been in for a few months#<- part of why my fandom stuff has taken a smidge of a backseat#dont get me wrong i am still very excited about my fandoms im just having fun off in oc hell (affectionate)#its nice to just be able to create and not really worry about perception. and also i feel Less bad about just throwing ocs into the wringer#((blame the fact i've been REALLY interested in whump recently and i have been. fixated. on one of my characters.))#and ALSO i've been! rekindling my flame for wtds. i've been putting off thinking about it since that fic got.#nothing bad happened? but it was still very devastating that somebody who i considered a friend from that fic just. evaporated.#but i'm gonna finish that fic for him :) even if it takes a year. even if it's the one thing i finish ever. it'll be wtds.#for where its gotten me and the fact its what got me out of my shell and is the reason i trust that my writing is good!#i used to really hate rereading my work. i catch flaws that are obvious to me. but that fic. i just think about how *good* the story is#that story means. a lot to me? as a person? like the main character is not a good person. but people care about him anyway.#and there are so many little things. so many sentiments. so much that is a love letter to people who've done bad but learnt to do better#because. god knows i wasnt a good person even just a few years ago. and maybe i see myself in him a bit.#he came from a place of paranoia and fear and pain. and maybe its a good thing that i've found it difficult to write him recently.#because god. i've been HAPPY. even with the rough moments and bad days. i've been happy. i mean fuck.#my birthday's what. ten days away? god damn man. i'm going to be 18. that's an achievement.#i want to look the kid who thought it was over at half my age and tell him we fucking made it. and there are more years to come.#there's a life ahead. even if it's going to be a bitch. even if it's going to be tough. there's love in your heart and people who care and#you're going to fucking live and you're going to feel better one day. you have people to meet properly and thank and cherish.#because for every day it feel like the world's ending there are a dozen more where the sun shines just the right way through the rain#and you can't help but smile because it's just so god damn beautiful.#and fuck it. you're sick. your hands hurt and your legs don't work right. and it's tough sometimes. but you have people who understand.#you have people who honest to god love you for who you are and appreciate your company. and 18 is the first step.#you've spent half your life unlearning things and you've spent half your life relearning how to be what YOU want to be#and if you're a mediocre artist and passionate writer then you'll be fucking great at that. taking the time to learn when it strikes you.#and maybe this is for me. but its also for anybody reading it too. please god if there's one thing you take from this let it be that#somebody out there cares. *I* care. god i care. even if we've never spoken proper i care about you.#i practically have a list of everybody i see in my inbox. i love seeing familiar names show up. i.#i dont know how to neatly wrap up this tag ramble. but. i am so damn full of love it hurts sometimes. its scary to be happy but thats ok!
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it is So Weird how working on my comic makes me feel like i have more free time. and gives me more free time. logically, working on 3 comic pages a week would mean i have Less Time. but no. despite everything, i'm getting more done and able to use my time better now that i'm working on comic pages again. what the hell is up with that.
#it's probably the structure and routine tbh i've been doing this for 6 years#i feel way less stressed about all the stuff i have to do than the 2 months i wasn't working on the comic#and arguably i have more to do now!!!!!#there's just so many little things that working on my comic helps me with. vital part of my daily and weekly structure#1) gives me a Main Goal to focus on every week and it's a goal that i know is achievable#2) gives me things to do almost every day that i am able to get started on right away and then will have free time later when i'm done#3) on days i'm not working on it i feel more comfortable doing things for fun or completing smaller tasks#4) because it's a weekly schedule i actually know what day it is now. completely lost track of the days before. made me really scared tbh#5) actually allows me to relax. the way i make pages means it's a lil bit mindless half the time. which is nice#i spent most of the last 2 months when i wasn't making comic in bed. because i had nothing else to do#now i am not doing that! because even when i'm not working on pages i have the motivation to do things!#this is an ironic post to make when i've spent like 6-7 hours today just playing fathomverse#but that's the thing!!!! instead of hating myself for doing that i still feel like i can get shit done!#also i already knew all this about making comics and how i function but. man idk how to put this#i spent the last 2 months struggling to do fucking Anything#and it was after i was so sure i could handle taking a break from the comic#and it was after lots of people have told me i need to put the comic down and get a job#or do anything that isn't making a comic#i have been working on the comic again for 9 days. and already everything feels more manageable#i literally Need to have projects like this. if i dont i will lose my mind. nobody tell me i need to do other things with my life ever agai
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🦨💭
#even if idk what's going on#it FEELS like i've lost him as a friend. even if he said that like oh you're my friend or whatever. it doesnt feel like it#we havent talked as often lately (not my choice........) anyway and now .. bruh this last week has been AWFUL.#now idek if and how we will talk. like i feel like he doesnt want me annoying him. so i cant even use sending pics of my cat or asking him#random things as an excuse to talk because like... i feel awkward#i've gone from feeling 90% comfortable with him to like 10% lmaoooo#i just feel like he is bothered by me and that i annoy him and i feel stupid and awkward talking to him#so like.....now when idek if we are friends or how we talk#i cant suddenly be like hiiiiii the rain reminded me of you hiihihihihi#not talking to him even a little makes me miserable#but he isnt replying and i dont know what is going on with any of it with him and me so idk#also ://#i cant help but freak out bc of him not following me anymore bc that means that there will be MORE distance between us#i will become even less and less present in his life and world. he will start forgetting me more and more. he will realize that the world#without me is better!!!! he will spend more time andbe more attentive towards everyone else and realize that not having me close is much#better. and that his life is happier and better without me close by T-T plus it's...#i cant lie... it makes me jealous that he had favorite blogs and mutuals who arent me 😭😭#and all of them are better than me in every aspect...... 😭#this will only make the gap between us bigger and he will forget about me!!!!!!!! 🥲#little by little he is reducing the amount of me in his life and since it'll be better he'll keep going until im out of it completely#im gonna die just thinking about it bc i know i know that i dont bringANYTHING good into ppl's lives and im just lucky that it lasts at all
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Advice from experience:
Be VERY careful on spending money on games, especially if what you're spending money on is like, limited events and shit.
Once you're in, you're IN and it's very, very hard to get out of mostly because of guilt and not wanting to put down stuff you've spent hours grinding for.
#alt rambles#rants in tags#recently started putting down and breaking off of a game that i've been grinding on for two years#and realised how much more time i have on my hands#and how much less draining my daily life is#and that i have more energy and time to do stuff instead of spending 2-3 hours every day to grind on the game#yea i spent 2-3 sometimes 4 hours per day just playing this game on a daily basis for the last 2 years#because i spent money and a shit load of time and effort in it#so putting it down genuinely makes me feel a lot of guilt#cause i feel like its such a waste#but like idk#i got really frustrated the other day and so burned out i gave myself a few days break and hoenstly im doing so much better than before#and i actually have time to do other stuff and do more art that now im starting to like#not want to go back to playing the game anymore#lmao yea if you know me you know what game im talking about#i mean i still love the game but damn was it fucking predatory and its only gotten worse thanks to new updates imo#it was fun before and now its just endless grinding#anyways#its another reason why i dont wanna pick up playing genshit even though i really want to#cause i finally got scara (thanks friend who logs in sometimes)#cause like i know genshit will also do that to me smh#anyways idk its just been on my mind lately about how i have unhealthy relationships with a lot of video games#i think im just going to stick to games like sdv and sr that don't have event after event#so thta i can go for breaks without feeling bad or like im missing out
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every time i've gotten into a popular series or franchise i've always been disappointed by it because like. its so hyped up and i watch it and find it mid and it appears we are not watching/playing the same thing
#reasons i wont like. get into ace attorney or fma or anything else#and by popular i mean like. ubiquitously popular. like an 'everyone at least knows of it' type#like ik enstars is popular especially in asia but in the west its a lot more niche#for whatever reason one piece is more niche ime than naruto or bleach despite arguably being bigger and literally still ongoing#and then jjk. god help me jjk is awful now#i was going to say idk if jjk is at that level but i've had easier times finding merch for that than some series here#so its certainly up there.#umu not to say its not good but i just find them being so hyped up leads to a lot of disappointment especially#since i didnt get into them at the same time as everyone else ie during formative times in my life#in middle/high school so it holds a completely different context for me being in my early 20s#anyway. idk where i was going with this. im not not into popular media/anime specifically#obviously. i run a semi popular one piece blog.#but compared to other things i am certainly less drawn to popular series#and find the uber popular ones have. declined in quality recently#what is going on in bsd even these days i should catch up. no i shouldnt. someone tell me when kouyou shows up again#the only redeeming thing in that series is my beloved kouyou you dont understand#and chuuya but mostly kouyou#but if its not just me and 20 other bloggers on this godforsaken site then i dont want it#shay speaks#again this is. just about my personal taste dont try to take this out of context so help me god
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this sucks so much ass i should be able to sue and i fucking mean that
#LIKE WE ARE GOING ON WEEK THREE OF THIS TORMENT AND I HAVENT GOTTEN ANY LESS SANE#IM SERIOUS WHEN DOES THIS SHIT GO AWAY#im fucking. im erratic!!! im lightheaded my CHEST HURTS i cant BREATHE im borderline getting vertigo here this SHOULD COUNT AS A SICKNESS I#SHOULD BE ABLE TO CALL IN SICK TO SCHOOL BECAUSE OF THIS MASSIVE BULLSHIT#SORRY? ANY LESS SANE I MEANT ANY MORE SANE FFS#i talked to someone in my real actual life about this today and they were like yeah it sounds like ur going insane lol. THANKS I KNWOW#THIS IS SO CRAZY EMBARRASSING!! HEY!!! THIS IS SO CRAZY EMBARRASSING and on top of that theres no WAY this is going to work#like lets get worst case scenario here folks lets say i do talk to them and theyre like woah! hey! i like you too! :]#theres no way im not fucking stupid and dont immidiately shoot myself in the foot with it theres no FUCKING way#ugh i already know myself. i KNOW ill be like well thats a bad idea actually!!!! bc youre great and fucking. brilliant and personable and#totally gorgeous and EVERYONE likes you and theres no way in hell my dumb ass isnt just going to drag you down!!!!#theres no WAY you dont deserve better than this!! theres no POSSIBLE world where you don't have better options!!!#ugh doesnt THAT just reek of insecurity or just being a lil shyyy but i MEAN IT. I TOTALLY MEAN IT. ugh. i hate it here i hate it here i ha
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The more I write the more I am like: who the FUCK writes like this?? Why do I WRITE like this??? Where in the world did I pick this up From???? Someone else HAS to write like this cause I must've picked up this stylistic lean from somebody??? What the fuck
#rant#mejo writing#writing#for REAL tho if youve read my fic. who the FUCK does my style remind you of????#i read a normal best seller novel yesterday and jesus fuck my writing style is so different idk how to#even bridge the gap. i mean i dont even think i should. byt then if i write like Someonr Else#then who the fuck are they so i could read THEM for some tips.#im thinking maybe... edgar allan poe or haruki murakami are why i write like this????#maybe stephen king but i honestly think he writes with less in depthness than me...#holly black maybe?????#i KNOW i got the way i poetically structure sentences from poe.#but i have this biased close 3rd person perspectivr i write#thats very Emotional#and its the most normal easy thing for me to write. its how i naturally write.#but for the life of me i cant think of a fucking writer who writes this way#i THOUGHT grr martin did. but upon rereading asoiaf? no he sure doesnt. hes way more to the point than me
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not sorry for posting art infrequently as of late my meds were refilled incorrectly and I've had to make 14 pills last me 21 days and idk if you know this but the lack of chemicals fucks up my inspiration and creativity
#txt#thankfully now i have exactly enough to reach the refill date but I've been doing less than great seeing as ive been on a 2 week#long spring break#sounds great right! means i got more weeks of time to myself? WRONG i have 0 structure in my life and it's led to me sleeping in until 5 pm#which also if you dont know an improper sleep schedule like that is incredibly detrimental to your mental health so#I'm really looking forward to tuesday
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and (pointing at nothing) gourd isn’t really HEALTHY about his execution of his purpose either in that he is kind of insane about it. like he completely lacks a sense of self-preservation until after post-shb. he fully considers the possibility he will get blown up and die one million times and inflict terrible violence and just accepts that as almost a matter of fact. i think from a surface level outside view he can very much be taken as someone with an almost unnatural religious fanaticism but at the same time he’s like. not. he doesn’t actually ascribe to a divinity or a belief that he specifically will be rewarded or saved. he doesn’t do it out of need for approval or self hatred or insecurity or to prove his loyalty. he just believes that if he dies something stronger will grow in his place because that’s what he sees in the world all the time. if he believes in a heaven or hell it’s not somewhere else but right here.
his weirdness about it if anything comes from a sense of detachment-but-not-alienation that he found in the wake of the spires dying. the human part is is that this is him making sense of their choice to fight and die even though it hurt him. he WAS for a long time lost and empty in the wake of that decision and this is how he found purpose…it’s just that just because it came from troubled waters doesn’t mean it’s untrue or just a cheap justification. he feels like his place in the world is a given just because he was born, because that’s what he thought of his loved ones. he loves the world and his own existence within it but he loves the world just as much without so he sees no point in being defensive about his life. it’s very much like. a cucumber is a cucumber and it’s still a cucumber if you ate it. this is making even more sense as I keep going on
#i think the way he fights is because he is far more scared of people losing heart#he sort of lacks a sense of self and forgets he’s not just a tree or something that does whatever it does because its a tree#that only exists in its shape and form and processes because of everything around it.#this isnt to say he just automatically makes decisions but they come very easy for him and careen often to simple extremes#also heres a contradiction he loses his ‘place’ in the world when the spires die and just replaces it with this kind of thinking#i dunno how to explain it. he considers everything he does to be for himself but he doesnt have clear boundaries on himself vs the world#i also think he couldnt think like this if he were any less strong than he was#so there is an aspect of personal identity that he takes for granted and often brushes under the rug#even though it has defined his life greatly#at the same time he does everything ‘because I can’ which means he recognizes that. i dont know#also he only actualizes this to this point in endwalker lol he was going off of vibes before
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not rascal's deadbeat owner coming around when im not home and telling my roommate she's taking him for a week (our break is 4 weeks or so, implying he's gonna be back here even though That's Her Cat Not Ours) and then just picking up the new toys i bought for him and taking them with her without even asking. hey. hi. those are mine
#like yes i want rascal to use them so he can be happy and fulfilled but also i dont fucking trust you#she didnt even ask. i wasnt even AROUND and she just yoinked them#she also took the new litter box my roomie got for him bc the old one was so caked in shit that 20 mins in a powerful sink didnt even#change it. like bedrock-hard cat shit. who fucking knows how old that was bc they never clean or empty it. fucks sake#and obv he needs a litter box and my roomie threw the old one away bc again it was Unsalvageably And Hazardously Filthy#like we could get sick he could get sick. get a grip#but like i dont wanna be feeding her replacements for her stuff she doesn't take care of over and over#just burning money trying to make rascal's life a Little better bc again our control over his situation is limited bc hes literally her cat#it's so frustrating. like i waited a full month to get him new toys bc i didn't know how long this situation was gonna last and i dont have#cats and cant have them for a while (not that this is stopping me oops) so it's not like the toys'll be used w me#like if she decided to up and drop him at a shelter like she'd planned less than a couple months ago I'd be sittjng in a pile of cat stuff#but he needs more stuff yknow. theyre not providing for him and i have the means to atm. and just when i bite the bullet and surprise him#with a bunch of new things he was SO excited about she swoops in without warning and takes him#god. my roommate told me he just froze up when his owner came in..and he looked so pissed about it#having to go back and leave us and leave all his fun new stuff to go back to the room where they cant even bother to feed him regularly#much less play with him or take care of him#it's heartbreaking. it's such a delicate situation im trying to move carefully so we don't lose him completely but it's so frustrating going#slow. ughhghhgh AND THEYRE ALWAYS LIKE man he's so much nicer to y'all. MAYBE IT'S BC WE TREAT HIM WELL. CRAZY THOUGHT I KNOW#fucking. i love that little man this sucks for him so bad. trying to get him back for a couple days while im here but no response yet#and my roommate's staying on campus over break so she's gonna show up as soon as that week's over like I'm Here For Rascal. Your Time Is Up.#rauguhhhhh sorry if these rascal vent posts are a downer guys. it's just. god dude. fucking hell#i know this is a stupid situation i have gotten myself into i know it's stupid to try and finagle someone's pet from them BUT SHES ABUSIVE#AND SUPER LIKE. INDIFFERENT?? AND APATHETIC ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT THE PPL SHE DUMPS HIM ON CARE FOR HIM WELL OR NOT. AGH#sighhhh. whatever. gotta focus on tmr's exam and then i can complain about rascal some more.#i get she prolly thinks it's a team effort but the only reason we take her stuff is bc we didn't have a cat and werent planning on it#ggggghhzgzzjzjkkzkzkkzkk. grinding my teeth
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