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megamixter · 2 years

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My response to art block these days has been redrawing my old pieces to see how I've improved. It's a nice confidence boost!

See below for the originals, from 2022 and 2013 respectively.

Image is surprisingly not sad sad birthday time vent art, but is based on my favorite song from my favorite band! (...Which happens to be a song about sad sad birthday time). Song linked below if you want to vibe with it.

I kinda hated the purple void of a background, but it didn't feel right to change it in the redraw. This poor girl be stuck in the void forever I guess.

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[Image ID: Three digital drawings of a brown cartoon lioness looking depressed in front of a birthday cake. One drawing is from 2023, one is from 2022, and the final one is from 2013.

In the 2023 image, the lioness is looking at a cupcake with white frosting, a green wrapper, and a single lit yellow candle. She is wearing a purple and green party hat and looking sadly at the cupcake. The background is a muted purple and grubby looking, and there is a banner on the wall with the words "It is my birthday" written in black stencil font.

In the 2022 image, the lioness is looking sadly at a white cake on a plate with four candles lit on top. She is wearing a purple and green party hat and has small white text next to her face that reads "It is my Birthday". The background is a dark purple with a dark vignette around the edge.

In the 2013 image, the lioness is looking sadly at a purple cake with a single lit purple candle on top. She is wearing a purple party hat and there is large script text next to her face that reads "It is my Birthday". The background is a muted purple. /End ID]

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bmpmp3 · 2 months

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based off this video. i think teto is a union man

#art #traditional art #watercolour #fanart #vocal synth #kasane teto #synthv #utau #utauloid #koharu rikka #synthesizer v #voicepeak #my vocal synth tagging systems are getting messier and messier by the second #anyway i dont know why i picture her caring a lot about labour rights and regulations. its probably because 1)#shes just been around so long and has been actively updated this whole time #(not just the sv bank release but also her utau banks as well) so she probably has lots of experience #and 2) twindrill somehow managed to snag a commercial voicebank contract that lets them keep up the utau banks too #which i do appreciate. i like hearing voices on all kinds of software but it sucks that a lot of utau that move commercial take down their #old voicebanks. probably licensing stuff in like vocaloid and such's agreements #although the two utau who have sv banks (teto and renri) were both able to keep up their old stuff so maybe sv has looser contracts?#sv is made by the moresampler guy after all. maybe theyre a little more open about it #anyway i think thats why i picture her being really savvy with this stuff LOL i think shes great at chilchucking it you know #advocating for her fellow synths and negotiating contracts the whole nine yards #i think she will unionize your vocal synths. i think she will unionize them.

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autisticaradiamegido · 8 months

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day 39

a redraw from a couple years back that was originally a redraw from 2014 so thats a FULL DECADE OF PROGRESS, BABEY!!

#day 39 #year 5 #terezi pyrope #homestuck #the thing about the image description project. and going through the backlog.#is that it really incentivizes me to do a lot of redraws because then i can reuse large portions of the descriptions for Old Art #making minor tweaks to account for the differences #as opposed to writing. just so much alt text #heres the thing about writing image descriptions for my OWN art: it makes me think way more about like.#what parts of the piece are vital and which parts aren't #because obviously you wanna give as complete a description as possible #but you also dont want to take up a whole bunch of a persons time rattling on about shit they dont care about. like.#idk! it's an interesting exercise and im still getting a handle on that balance i think #once again let me know if im not hitting the mark

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beatcroc · 8 months

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homest[ar/uck] posting. this was meant to be supplementary to the gerome comic as him 'explaining the joke' but i uhhhhhh forgot.

i'm not much for crossovers in the the traditional sense, but it IS one of my favorite character exploration exercises to just go like 'if x media existed in this universe, who would and would not be a fan of it?'. and these ones are pretty notorious and always very fun to mess with for that and so here we are

#technically evangelion too but i couldnt think of anything intersting for eva with these guys #pizza tower #fake peppino #noisette #gerome #peppino spaghetti #these guys will just show him things and then he brings it home to peppino and hes gotta deal with all that #the simple fact is if you watch homestarunner at an impressionable age it WILL fuck up your lexicon permanently #and i think fp is the sort that is just kind of eternally impressionable. so #gerome is the only one of the cast whos into hsr he quotes it Constantly but no one knows hes referencing things #they think hes just saying shit. he knows this. he thinks it's funny. secret references for only him #but yeah that opening line was meant as an actual in-universe reference to hsr. when he says 'an old joke' it's literal jsjkskjdkjfd #idk what time pt takes place but hsr is perpetually yesteryear to me. that shit is so 2008 you really had to grow up with it i think #as for the other one. everybody i think at least knows OF mspa bc noisette talks about it All The Time #but the rest either dont get it or dont care. anyway its her right to be obnoxious about it. her privilege‚ even.#noise hates it though. hes so sick of hearing about it. if you mention a classpect hes gonna stab you #this is the only thing i have where the three besties are even close to interacting thats so sad.i need them being funny in a room together #pizzaposting #off-art

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mamawasatesttube · 1 month

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i am going to say something that is . well i don't think it's controversial in that i don't think it has been said enough to cause controversy to begin with but skjdfhjds listen. hear me out

tim/ber/kon <<<<<<<<< timiveskon

on the one hand you have an uphill battle to convince me why these characters would even give a shit about each other (plus i mean megfitz massacred their characterizations and thats a whole extra mess) and generally it just reads to me as just treating kon as tim's spare love interest uwu without any care about his character.

but on the OTHER HAND.... timiveskon? chefs kiss. kon and ives are instantly bonding over nerdisms. they are both standing on the table and yelling about the rereleased edition of return of the jedi and kon is going on about how he has the original literally downloaded into his brain and ives thinks that's the sexiest thing he's ever heard and tim is just sitting there consumed by lust while they both yell about greedo. it practically writes itself. come on

#rimi talks #like. ives and kon in a room together could be so good. give kon a nerd friend!!!! a guy who GETS IT about wendy and star trek and star war #ives and kon would get tim to go to a con with them as the triumvirate. they both agree tim has to be bones #tim is like literally why. im not a grouchy old southern doctor :/ and theyre like THERE IT IS. THAT FACE. DO THAT IN ALL THE PICTURES #tim on a skateboard mid kickflip frowning like could leonard mccoy do THIS???#(he's just bitter he wanted to be spock but ives won rock paper scissors)#anyways sorry i just sometimes remember how much i really do hate tim/ber/kon. many ships i just dont care for but that one.........#it activates all of the issues i have with megfitz's shit tier writing AND a ''LEAVE KON OUT OF IT'' impulse #i have seen. FAR too many posts. that suck absolute shit. i will never have a good opinion of this ship #timIVESkon however. theres something here. i think its worth exploring

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fruityumbrella · 1 month

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i love and agree with 40yo sanjis effective twenty step skincare routine vs raisin old man zoro but i also think east asian zoro not wearing age on his skin + leathery european retiree sanji is even funnier bc of how mad sanji would be over it and how zoro wouldnt even notice

#like idk do you guys get what i mean #sanji wouldnt Actually care it just pisses him off when people make offhand comments about how #no way zoro is that old! he must take great care of himself!#bc NO HE DOESNT. I TAKE CARE OF HIS STUPID ASS.#meanwhile zoros like baby you look just as beautiful as-#<- cant even finish the compliment bc sanji is calling him a blind old man who doesn't know anything #anyway sorry i might be the only person on earth who thinks so much about sanjis SUIT TAN 😭#maybe white people dont get that but as a guy who gets really tan really fast its a nightmare scenario to me #his face neck hands are 10 shades darker than the rest of him #the reason sanji doesnt get laid is his partners cant help a laugh when he takes his shirt off and he gets cranky about it

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simcardiac-arrested · 4 months

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no actually I’d like to hear your thoughts on the isat ending

Like i said it felt really tropey and by that i meant that it’s just Everything Good Happens forever and…..that’s it ? like idk we were building up to this huge catharsis sort of thing and then we got to it and it was so sudden and not a good payoff and just kind of nothingburger of an ending . the fact that everyone just forgives siffrin bothers me, or at least the fact that they don’t confront them about the shit they’ve said and done. call me a mental illness villainizer but i think if you’re a fucking asshole and doing the most insensitive things to the people you care about then hey, i think those ppl have a right to fucking tell you off for it. likeeee idk being at your lowest point …… not an excuse …. not feeling it chief ……. like sure the message is to move past your mistakes or whatever but ? that doesn’t mean just getting away with it ??? and i just really don’t understand Why everyone forgives him. honestly at the end of the day the ending is just one problem, the root of which are the characters. everyone feels like trope cardboard cutouts. oh, this is the smart one. this is the smol bean. this is the himbo. and they all care for each other btw. Did u hear that? they all care for each other. we’re not really going to explain to you why these people are so close or what they went through together but just trust me man they’re sooo found famy. like …. okay. i’ve played 30 hours of this game and not once did i buy that any of the characters really cared about each other. like??? why???? You’re telling me everyone super cares about siffrin even though they barely know them?? you’re telling me siffrin cares about everyone sooo much even though he never even bothered to find out their problems before ? Wat ? and this just breaks the ending more because literally whyyy do these people care about him so bad. and then it’s just whyyy does siffrin Have to tell them anything he doesn’t even seem to know them that well. everyone feels like colleagues and Just Friends at best. and so the ending just seems really forced. like it was written by that type of tumblr user who’s always talking about aww why does the found family have to break up after the end of the journey :( which is like fiiiiine. i guess. but u guys know that u have to build up to it right?? you can’t just tell me they’re Family Members(tm) 102829 times and that they super care about each other source: trust. you can’t just do that and then expect me to believe it ….. It feels unearned. the ending feels unearned and i don’ttttt understand what i’m supposed to take away from it . that it’s ok to fuck people up because you’re traumatized and insecure?? that you have to talk about your deepest problems with people you barely know??? i just dont know. Like i said if im being honest the problems with this game’s writing are more than just the ending, it just stands out so much because there’s a lot of build up and then just …… That

#honest to god if you want a Good Example of a story like this just look at dungeon meshi #we start the story from the end of the characters’ journey. they all don’t know each other very well and they’re just working together #hell they don’t even like each other that much. And then as the story develops and they go through their journey we get to see them bond and #get closer and fight and make up and admit they care about each other and still be mad at each other #nobody even gives a fuck about laios at the beginning of the story but by the end of it they’re all willing to die for him. THAT feels #earned. when marcille super fucks up and everyone tells her off for it but still wants to just make sure she’s ok That feels earned #like honest to god i’d take marcille’s arc any day than whatever’s siffrin going on #i just feel like this game suffers from a chronic Tell Dont Show syndrome. we get old over and over again that these characters are close #told*#and that they care about each other. And that’s just ….. not a way to write a story ………#when all the characters exist just to comfort the Whump Main it’s like how am i supposed to get invested. in any of this #u know when the dev replied to someone who was asking them how to write a story and they just said ‘glue your fav tropes together until it #becomes a story’? Well i think that is isat’s main problem. it’s not really a story. it doesn’t really have characters #it’s just a bunch of tropes in a trench coat. And let me tell u that is notttt how you make a story. at all. at all #anyways this was supposed to be about the ending but this story just has so many inherent problems i could critique it forever🤷‍♂️ my badddd #it’s fun as a game and it’s Fine as a story but at the end of the day it just reads like fix-it fanfiction to me #which is not Bad on its own but i wish people would at least recognize how the story is kind of built on sticks #cramswering

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smaeemo · 2 months

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What do you mean “Fantasy doesn’t count as real literature.” Great, Thanks. Have fun reading another white man complain about fincial issues and how women are “too promiscuous these days.” I’m going to go read a cool werewolf book, and guess what, it’s all a metaphor about racial inequites specifically via schooling as a result of colonialism. AND it has a cool map at the begininng. So suck it.

Also, even if I were rereading twilight, atleast im not pretending to enjoy myself reading catcher in the rye. I read 40 books last year, predominantly classics and basically? Not a single one was as interesting as Edward and Bella. 🤷

#smaeemo #ok some of this was exaggerated because a lot of the classics that I did read were relatively interesting and impactful for their time #but I like my trashy romance more than I like pretending to care about Jay Gatsby being a creepy obsessed lunatic #and I stand by it #A lil controversial on this one #I got into a debate about this topic with a Colleen Hoover reader (deragatory) and it was shameful #how can you claim to like quote unquote good literature when you refuse to read anything other than Colleen hoover and dead white men #Sorry this is heated #but still #Wtf do you mean by this????#anyway #love my twilight #twilight #twilight saga #still wishing supernatural were a YA book series #books #booklr #books and reading #classic books #now dont get me wrong #I really do find signigicance in classics and certain old books #but come on #Pride and Prejudice #or #wings of fire #which one is more fun #also fantasy is such a powerful and useful writing tool that continues to be as impactful to this day #I just like to make it silly because thoughts are hard to verbalize and then type into this computer system #ah shit #it got too meta now im thinking about how each word is made up of letters as I tag this

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guinevereslancelot · 17 days

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decided to leave my job and i'm gonna fr gonna cryyyyy

#literally can't work with my new boss bc i can't trust her #she went to the head of the department with complaints abt me without ever speaking to me or giving me any indication she was unhappy #and various other reasons im not happy w management and the school in general #HOWEVER #i love the kids sm and im gonna miss them and worry abt them 😭😭😭😭#im literally scared for some of them bc it feels like the other teachers have no empathy for some of my favorite kids #one of them who is so so sweet and when he cries i'm the girst to comfort him bc everyone else thinks he needs to toughen up 😭#also my new boss sucks so so bad and is gonna be such a bad influence on him and all the other kids #and my main co teacher said she's gonna quit if i do so i cant even beg her to look out for my babies and take care of them 😭💔#and it would be unprofessional to mention any concerns to the parents but genuinely some of the kids would be better off elsewhere #like im actually worried about it #i dont want some of the really sweet sensitive kids to lose their sweetness bc they're being treated unkindly #and the worst bullies and spoiled kids are the ones the teachers dote on #so it encourages some of the sweet ones to act out for attention #anyway 💔#i really do need to go tho #and i'm sure i'll love the kids at my new job #but im so sadddd #also its unlikely i can find a well paying job w this age group even tho i love this age group #its basically impossible not to get attached to them at this age and i get to pick them up and hold and cuddle them and stuff #and you cant really do that with the older kids sadly #literally on the verge of tears even seriously thinking abt leaving #things have been p bad for a while due to management but i never seriously considered leaving bc i love the kids so much #but i literally can't see a future here #and my new boss clearly hates me and im worried she's going to try to get me fired #she already made up a bunch of lies about me and its only been three weeks #anyway i only make 15 an hour so hopefully i'll at least get more somewhere else and i know i'll still love the kids #its just really hard #which is why i've stayed this long #i was p unhappy before my new boss even started bc of the way they treated my old boss

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widevibratobitch · 4 months

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something about being told im 'the leading person at this whole academy when it comes to interpretation and stage intelligence' by the husband of the woman im trying (not really. but i mean. who knows) to seduce... ok boy you got me. lets make it a polycule.

#im playing it all cool and funny now but atm i legit burst into tears lol #like he said i have a 'good voice too of course' but i know realistically that is not my strongest asset #and even if i were technically perfect. which im NOT lol. the voice itself is just nothing special. it's there ig but that's about it #but its nice to know i may not be 100% useless after all #(just 90%)#also apparently the most feared and respected professor who came to the concert said. again. that he likes me the most.#which again. crying real actual tears about this all rn this means literally the world to me this is everything i have #and i have no one to share this with because im not gonna say it to my uni friend cause i dont want her to feel like im boasting or sth #(even tho she has no such qualms herself but probably because i know how. not great. it feels when someone keeps talking about themselves #and about how great they are and how easy everything is for them. i dont wanna do it back at her.#well there's also the fact that i dont think im great and this is not fucking easy to me at all lol #but idk i think the difference between us is that she actually admitted she sees no point in singing if she cant show off (thus she hates #the duet we're singing because she sings the lower part and cant show off her high notes or coloratura.#which is like. an insane take to me. i mean it i get it. kinda. if i had a voice like hers maybe id be like that too fuck knows.#but that just feels so. idk. sad to me. so self obsessed and empty. like you dont care about the music itself? about you being a part of it?#also immediately made singing with her not fun anymore. i thought we were creating something TOGETHER. but thanks for the confirmation #that you only really care about being 'better than'. yikes.#like idk this behaviour is funny and iconic in old school opera legends like yes go bite each others dicks off.#but it hits completely different when it's your own colleague let alone your friend. like damn girl. damn)#) anyway. the husband is kinda hot too now that i think of it. i really should seduce them both.#except its realistically not possible since they've both seen me cry now (she saw it like a hundred times lol)#so ive lost the hot and mysterious card alas. no uni professors romance for me

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anxiously-sidequesting · 10 months

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You know what I love more than just heroes and villains going up against each other is when the hero and villain have a certain respect and acknowledgement to the other, have a special relationship or connection with the other, or just a general interest that's between just THOSE TWO GUYS and not anybody else Grandfather Spider Morganthe Schismist Soldier Duncan Grimwater

Like I could easily see the YW teaming up with almost any of those people (see: only GFS and Morganthe the other two are crazy) not out of maliciousness or because they switched sides but because they're just compatible with them in ways where it just makes sense. Like for example the YW fighting back-to-back with Morganthe or having in depth magical discussions with her because we understand her on a level no one else does. Like in a crazy season finale where the Savior of the Spiral would not even Dream of Ever Working With Those Ruffians but when they have to they're like so magical (no pun intended) together because they just click. Like in the original Teen Titans where Deathstroke and Robin were like fighting in Hell together and they were on the SAME WAVELENGTH despite being bitter enemies THAT'S THE SHIT I LIKE. I think maybe that's the reason why I resonate more with these guys than Malistaire because imo it's just so much more interesting and emotional when we get two people on opposite sides of the morale scale able to come together and work so fluently. This is also me saying I want a Schismist Soldier and YW Roommate Sitcom.

#im dissociating like a motherfucker rn so this post may read as disjointed IM SORRY I JUST THINK THIS IS COOL #and the best part of this post is that it doesnt even necessarily have to be in a “romantic” sense. you can work so well with your rival-#-or enemy without having romantic implications at all #not saying i dont ship the wizard with the soldier because i do. DJALSHEOEJ #honestly though i would have loved to see us team up with morganthe #BUT WE DID KINDA GET THIS WITH OLD COB WHEN WE WORKED TOGETHER but we didnt really know each other then #IDK HOW TO EXPLAIN THIS DYNAMIC WELL. SOMEONE CAN TRANSLATE THIS FOR ME IF THEY WANT TO #this is also me saying the Mirage final boss fight has been stuck in my head for 4 straight years #grandfather spider: we know each other so well so imma resurrect your mortal enemies from the dead to beat ur ass <3 #also im gonna be honest. my little oony also i spired this post JALAJFKRJRJ #ask me how my little pony inspired this post. any one of you ask me how i dare you.#wizard101 #w101 #wiz101 #text posts #no i wont shut up about the soldier i dont care who the IRS sends

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oh-cramity-its-amity · 2 months

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i love my friends so much. i feel like yesterday i had a lot of shit going on in my head and i woke up to my friend explaining things in a way that put my mind at ease. i dont feel as anxious anymore because i know i was overthinking. i think my dad said it best when he told me that he thought my wonderful brain of mine just wants to think problems are bigger than they actually are. he is right! im just inexperienced in life and half of the time im scared im doing something wrong but- HEY. i need to be more confident in making mistakes. making mistakes doesn't define me as a person!! i need to stop worrying about doing life right and just live for the sake of living and doing what makes me happy!!!!!!!

#thank u blake. u really helped #also nessa!! thank u for that reblog about your perspective on my one post about feeling lost career wise #it helps me to know im not the only one living this life because holy fuck i can feel confused sometimes because.. am i doing this right?#and you know what? theres no correct path that i think there is but im just not good without a direct direction. it makes me a little #anxious about things #i dont know if its because i have some form of a disorder but i function better when i plan stuff out and give myself something to #decompress the problems and thoughts because in my brain theyre just all stuck and clumped together #and that can get a bit scary and overwhelming!!!#im just glad i have people that care about me. it means literally everything to me #so even if i dont 100% reply dont think i dont care because literally any ANY advice or kindness you show to me means the world #we're all just living this little life and we might as well make the best of it #people care..... thats just.... its good... it makes me feel less alone that people do #i love my friends so much #evennnn if we dont talk every day or are only mutuals in passing!!! it literally means a lot if people show me kindness #like holy shit!!! your older than me? and your dealing with a similar experience??? and your telling me that its okay??? and that itll be #okay?????#like #just the reassurance that things will be okay and work out and that im not the only one dealing with a feeling like mine #idk sometimes i just feel like im crazy and like my thoughts make no sense?? you know?? but yall get it #im glad that i have people who are older than me in my life cause yall have experienced stuff that i can use to be better #like your life experiences can help me in a way that can make a difference on my perspective on things #its why i like talking to my coworkers. because theyve seen things and done things i havent and their perspective can teach me potentially #i just dont feel so overwhelmed with life when i talk to people who understand #i feel so young and yet old enough to know but even the people who are older dont know so im sort of on the right track i suppose depending #on how you look at it #so- im just gonna live my life and smile because!!! you gotta.#you gotta surround yourself with people who can enrich you and teach you things for the better and make you want to grow #some of you are like that #you may not know that #but that kindness means so much

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risingsunresistance · 3 months

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twitter is entering their "rts > likes" phase now that likes are private after they spent years calling us ungrateful for being demotivated by ratios lmao

#man fuck yall just support artists you enjoy #dont attack people who dont rb/rt your art (hell they might even have it scheduled) but also dont constantly demand ''content'' from people #ESPECIALLY without telling them that you appreciate the effort they put in to show you cool things they made for free #you should've been rt'ing/rb'ing from the START 😒 just show people you care!#im just waiting to scroll through post after post of ppl calling out ''entitled artists'' lmao #btw my opinion on the whole thing is painfully neutral if you couldnt tell #i dont think you should care that much about numbers and ppl take it wayyyyyy too far #throwback to that one guy who personally @ everyone who didnt reblog their art that was CRAZY. i would straight up report you KJFGHKG #i also understand and have personally experienced how much engagement can change your mood #a simple ''i love this!'' can make someone's day. it's not hard to understand why ppl like engagement #when they make post after post without so much as a little tag they dont care about sharing anymore #the fact that people call that ''entitlement'' is also crazy #i have a lot of drawings i havent posted or just left nonrebloggable bc it really doesnt make a difference lmao #the only ones i leave rebloggable are the ones that i Know will do well and get attention. like the little pig redraw #if it's cute or funny it gets positive attention. anything else is shit on here lmao #it's just not as fun to share. it either leads to no engagement or negative engagement #would rather have nothing than something rude so whatever #some ppl say it's always been like this but no it absolutely was not always like this #idk what exactly caused the change. probably a lot of factors #could even just be the fandoms i hang around in! but considering i've seen the same sentiment from a bunch of ppl i doubt it's that #the best solution to no engagement is to just make friends and have fun #but 90% of the internet is hostile and negative and rude for no fucking reason #when i unfollowed someone on my old public twitter and they @ me over it. damn i dont know why but NOW i know why 😭#this post has gone way off course im just ranting at this point. i havent talked in a while hi how have you guys been #work was a lot yesterday and today is too slow (im not at work im just going crazy in my house)#(and i cant leave my house bc there's construction blocking the road someone save me)#chat

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opens-up-4-nobody · 9 months

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...

#man ive never seen an eating disorder kill someone else besides a parent infecting a child but my nana is really trying #shes like 1000% orthotexic. will not eat anything not filled with vegetables or fat. and my grandpa is 87yo with a heart condition currentl #in the hospital for covid bc thry went to Christmas church and dont believe in being vaccinated and my dad is so frustrated #bc he knows his mom is not gonna give his dad hearty foods. he needs to eat like protein shakes and meat and ice cream. anything thats not #her cooking which sucks on top of being extremely healthy. except its not healthy bc they dont eat a balanced diet #so its my nanas eating disorder killing her husband and shes so fucking frustrating. im like 99% sure she has obsessive compulsive #personally disorder bc she fits to a T and has zero insight. she may have full on 0cd bc talking to my dad he has more obvious 0cd #compulsions than i do. he used to say phrases before going to bed and would take 2 steps across the floor to prevent bad things from #happening. so like im pretty sure my nana is where i get my perfectionism and 0cd. god. i wish i could express how fucked up she is #like my dad said at least he had a stable home to grow up in but like she has zero sympathy for other people. cannot look past herself. wil #not wear a mask bc she doesnt care enough abt other ppl. my dad was like: u would not have survived in that house. which is fair bc i am #barely keeping it together coming from a stable home with two sympathetic parents who i know love me #and like its sad that they're suffering the effects of buying into the fox news bullshit and its killing them #but also. genuinely. i think theyre not very good ppl. theyre the type of people who think they're better bc they're religious. white. and #thin. and theyre not better thsn anyone. their grandchildren cant stand them. well cant stand her at least. papa is just quite so its hard #to say what hes thinking. apparently he was confused last night and saying something about eating dinner on the golf course. which sounds #nicer thsn being in the hospital lol. ugh. he seems not long for this world tbh. may he pass peacefully to b with his 1st wife who died of #brain cancer at age like 20 or something. so it goes. bleh. how many funerals are intended for me in the next 5 years? hopefully none but #that seems improbable with the unspoken drain circling that seems to b going on in this family. old age and like almost 10 years of cancer #defying the stats but for how much longer?#i dunno. its just so weird to watch these things happen and not talk about it directly to the other ppl who see it #i worry that ill come off as too callose or inappropriate bc i have that tendency when something bad is happening but thats everyone else #excuse? idk i just feel like its better to talk abt things #unrelated #ed mention #i tell u this so i can say these things to someone and also bc if i were u. i would like to hear the drama #bc im nosey and i assume other r too ;-]

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the-kneesbees · 4 months

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just watched my brother graduate

#he looks so different i havent seen him in YEARS #i was in preschool so i think. 11 years. idk im bad at math #but theres no way i wouldve recognized him if my dad hadnt pointed him out #post posting #told myself i wouldn't be all sad #but yk #cant help but wonder if he cares that we watched #or if his mom even told him #idk shes kinda #yk #i wonder if his mom will show him the video when i graduate #or if he'll even want to watch #ugh this SUCKS #i dont talk about him a lot but its mostly cause my dad doesnt tell me anything about him #i know its his son and he never gets to see him or anything #but hes also my brother #and im old enough to remember knowing him at one point #my other brother isnt #so like. both of them are feeling different things than i am. obviously.#but i cant talk to my friends about it #cause none of them have half siblings and people are SUPER weird about it for some reason #and i mean it just really sucks to have a literal brother who i knew at one point and have good memories with #but also know absolutely nothing about #i mean how can someone know absolutely nothing about their own brother #idk #its not like he knows much about me #hes older so maybe he remembers more #but i DOUBT his mom talks about us #i wonder if he even wants to get to know us

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softshuji · 5 months

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Any men out there wanna pretend to be my bf to get my parents off my case about marriage? I am so so serious right now.

#my mom gave me a really really lonf lecture and upset me because her and my dad want me to start thinking about settling down ans getting #married. again. cos this comes up all the time. ans I reiterated that i do wanna marry and have kids. i know im 26 years old why do they'#think im also not aware of this??? like i suddenly forgot my own age and have my head in the clouds all the time. and i got so heated cos i #said they only believe in that in theory. in reality neither of them have accepted the idea od my leaving home or the idea of mw being with #a man. and they start freaking out if they even find out i talk to them so to say they want me to get married is so fucking naive #ans when i mentioned this and that they're more than ok w mt brothers talking tp women she said that if i wanted to settle down she could #talk to dad and they could “go about finding someone for me” and I've never been so pissed #i got so upset. why does everyone keep saying this to me. as if anyone my dad knows could ever be a half decent man #and the truth is they don't care if im in a happy marriage they've accepted that i won't be they only care that im gone and saving face in #front of family. that's all. it's always reputation it's always “what will people say?”#not once did love come up. not once did shw even imply that i should marryfor love #or that they hope i love someone and marry them. because they're more happy with the idea of me marrying for the sake of it than #they are at the idea of me finding genuine lovw #im not a fucking broodmare im not here to push out babies for the sake od reputation.#and then i said nor being married isn't the end of the world and she said “it's important that you settle down”#and i said im unwavering in my principles. she can call mw high maintenance like she loves doing but I'm not wavering on the #kind of man i want to be with and when i do marry him i want it to bw genuine. because be loves me and vice versa not because im ticking off #somethin from a damn checklist to appease them. and if being unwavering on my principles means staying unmarried then so be it.#my obligations are to god and myself and that's it #and y'know what??? i am in love with a boy already #and yet they don't care that i wanna be in love at all. no im just a puppet to follow a certain narrative in life live according to evergone #else has and that's it.#im done.#and then she tried to apologise by getting me a slice of cake and that somehow made me feel worse.#i dont want an apology. i want to be heard and actually listened to for once. i want someone to ask what i want. to actually give a shit #and love me cos it's me. not cos im some thing to further an agenda. or some toy or puppet that does your bidding.#is it so much??? to just want to be loved in return? to marry and live according to how i want to?? ans not want anyone to make these #decision's for me?#ruined my whole day.

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