#i dont remember what they were calling him cuz they hadnt had him long when i stopped talking to her

[two-calicos-in-a-trenchcoat]

Got a blazed cat picture that looks exactly like an ex friends cat and now im missing her cats lol

Not her. I havent missed her at all since that friendship ended. But her cats were fuckin cute.

[endwalkr]

this is an ask based thingy but im really in the mood to infodump so im just gonna answer them all under the cut !

Favorite video game?

starting off with the absolute hardest question huh? i can’t possibly name ONE favorite game of mine because i adore my favorites for many different reasons. my overall favorite video game is ffxv or botw. ffxv because it has brought me so much joy for such a long time, and because i have such a connection with the characters. botw because i was actually in the fandom when it first got announced in 2016 so i got to be there when the hype was at an all time high– and finally being able to play the game after waiting for so long was an unforgettable experience. i have more favorite games but ill talk more about them in the ‘’special place in ur heart’’ question.

First console you owned?

my first console wasn’t a console. my friend and i used to play on her nintendo dsi all the time and at one point tiny little me reeeally wanted one of my own so i saved up and got one in [redacted] when i was 7. my first actual console was a wii though, we got that around the same time.

A game that holds a special place in your heart?

ffxv and botw mean the absolute world to me, but super mario galaxy and skyward sword are very important to me too. skyward sword is the game that got me into zelda which got me into anime which got me into final fantasy etc etc etc.  super mario galaxy was the first non-mini game collection and more adventure story-ish game i played. i was so proud when i beat it for the first time and mario was my first ever ‘’fandom’’ :’) 

Favorite video game character?

bro. i cant pick just one so i’ll choose one per game : prompto, ryuji and link. they were all my comfort characters at some point and i projected like crazy onto them. this doesnt mean that i wouldnt absolutely die for noct or zelda. 

Least favorite video game character?

i dont think theres anyone i distinctly dislike? i always talk about hating ardyn but that’s because he’s just a salty bitch. as a character i think he’s a great villain and i rly love him. i honestly always end up liking everyone somehow, maybe there is someone i just forgot about but i cant remember at all. 

Favorite genre?

adventure games, or action rpgs. 

Video game character you’ve had a crush on?

every character ever, but i distinctly remember the moment i fell in love with prompto sjghfkshd i was watching a playthrough of xv in december 2016 because i didnt have a ps4, and the guy got to the scene in galdin quay where the bros learn insomnia fell. i had watched about 6 hours of the game by that time and wasn’t particularly interested in the characters but not uninterested enough to drop it. i hadnt even gotten a good look at the characters faces yet, so when the camera zoomed in on prompto when he said ‘’might not be save for us here!’’ i noticed he had freckles. oh god. oh fuck. oh my god hes fucking cute. oh my god better watch 30 hours of this game now

First video game you remember playing?

wayyy before i got my own gaming systems, my then-best friend had a gamecube in her attic. i was around 5 or 6 at the time. whenever i was over at her house and we didnt know what to do, she’d sometimes propose to play ‘’mario kart’’. important is that we are dutch, and i was a literal child. i thought mario KART meant it was a fucking card game, so i always declined whenever she asked. on one fateful day, i finally gave in and was pleasantly surprised it was in fact not a card game, but a viddy game. so we played mario kart double dash. (…i had never played a video game in my life besides browser flash games and was Very Very bad)

Age you started gaming?

so i played my first video game that i didnt own when i was about 5 or 6. then i got my first supply of games at age 7/8, but i dont really consider that time to be when i started ‘’gaming’’. i’d say that was when i started mario galaxy, so i’ve been playing video games for real (ie. story adventure games with boss battles) for about 6 years now.

Hardest video game you’ve played?

this is gonna sound stupid, but the witcher 3. there’s like 7 difficulties and i played on the EASIEST and still had a hard time, i just couldnt get used to the combat. i had the same problem with assassin’s creed syndicate, but after about 10 hours i actually knew what i was doing, and ive played the witcher longer than that and still am clueless. this is kind of an unpopular opinion but i dont particularly like that game

Video game you’ve spent the most time on?

i guess i am what you’d call a casual gamer; i really like video games but during a normal school week i only game for like 2-6 hours. most of the time i dont play for like 2 weeks if im busy. gaming has kind of taken over my life not because i play so much but because i get so emotionally invested lol i’m currently on summer break and even now im not playing a lot because of exhaustion and executive dysfunction. this derailed slightly but the game i’ve played the most despite my casual gamer status is …. … …. ffxv. surprise, right? the runner up is botw, but xv wins by a landslide. 630+ hours. botw is 350. my main save in ffxv is almost 200 hours i think. damn. i really managed to keep myself entertained with that game… (………i was thinking recently, since the loading screens in xv are so long, how much of this total amount was spent watching screens. i imagine it’s several hours, especially if you fast travel a lot.)

Most embarrassing gaming moment?

many moments in my gaming experience are embarrassing, but a more recent one: i was in xv’s postgame, beating some dungeons on my new save file. i had just finished daurell caverns and hadn’t saved in about 2 hours. (uh oh) i was driving around in the regalia type d and got to the big cliff near lestallum, and remembered someone made a gif of jumping in there so i wanted to try it too. i imagined the game would just put me back on the road, like it does when you crash into something. except it didnt. i got a game over. where was my last save? 2 hours back all the way in hammerhead. yippee.

Scariest video game you��ve played?

i never play horror games, cuz for me games are supposed to be relaxing experiences. no hate towards horror games of course, they just stress me out. the only time ive played horror is when friday the 13th was for free on ps+, and my friends really wanted to play it. (theyre kinda addicted to it now. huh) they had already gotten over the initial fear of having jason chase you, but i was still terrified. i can play the game without getting scared now tho. the horror sound effects just rly freaked me out at first jhsdkghsd

Most memorable gaming moment?

playing breath of the wild for the first time, or beating it for the first time. both experiences were filled to the brim with excitement and nostalgia. seeing botw as a blank slate, a world for you to explore, having no idea where you’re going… that was pretty incredible. now i know every nook and cranny of the map, so i wish i could play it for the first time again. i was so incredibly immersed. beating it was insane. i cried for 30 minutes and the end wasnt even sad, i was just so amazed at the fact that i was really here, playing breath of the wild, it was really real. the fucking main theme in the background (which i cannot for the life of me listen to without crying) didnt help with my emotions sgkdjh

Video game character you wish you could meet in real life?

…………..its prompto again. maybe 2017 me …. was .. kind of a kinnie

PC, Xbox, Playstation, or Nintendo?

i dont care about console wars at all, but i think hardware-wise, pc is the best, because if you have a good pc you can basically do anything. i however do not, so i just play on consoles. ive never particularly liked xbox, so i only play ps4 and nintendo. not the switch though. its kinda petty, but my best friend and i really dont like the switch djghks

Gaming company you’re most loyal to?

none. i used to call myself a nintendo nerd (oh my god…. i m. gonna die) in like 2015 but since the switch came out and since i got a ps4 they kinda lost me. i still like their game series of course, but as a company i don’t care for them. the only reason i see square enix as one of ‘’my’’ gaming companies is because ffxv took up like 70% of my gaming experience, but besides final fantasy i don’t really love them too much either.

If you could only play one video game for the rest of your life, which would you choose?

atm i’m really into ffxiv because theres just so much to do, but that’s just a new, possibly temporary interest. if i had to choose, i’d say botw. maybe i’d say ffxv, but i feel like running around doing nothing in that game isnt very fun, because the world is sorta empty after completing every quest and getting to level 120. in botw, just fucking around on your horse is still really relaxing and nice. 

Do you use strategy guides?

yup. in certain games i try to avoid them but i usually end up stuck or in need of advice. i couldn’t have gotten so many p5 trophies if not for the internet lol

How often do you use cheats?

never, simply because the games i play often do not have cheats. unless im playing the sims and are in need of a motherlode, i dont use them.

Competitive or single player?

single player. im bad at video games and like to do stuff at my own pace. online multiplayer can be fun every now and then in games like mario kart 8 or splatoon, and i also like teamwork stuff like ffxiv or comrades. but ultimately, i prefer playing on my own.

Video game character you want to/have cosplayed?

have never cosplayed, dont have plans to either, but it would be fun to cosplay link. omg. i just remembered i have that fucking chocomoogle shirt… sorry link im gonna slap on some sasuke hair, black jeans and ugly sneakers 

Ever go to a video game convention?

i have not, i have however gone to three (3) video game concerts which is basically the same thing. 

Hardest boss fight you’ve been in?

the hardest bosses for me are usually the ones with a gimmick. you have to use a certain item or tactic to beat them or something. other hard fights for me are when you fight someone with a similar skill set. (in ffxv, this happens twice, once with the iggy-noct sparring match and once against ardyn. somehow, the final boss was easier than getting the prince to eat vegetables.) i don’t know an actual example of THE hardest boss fight ive been in though. at the time, the first bowser battle in mario galaxy was the hardest thing in the universe and i got stuck for like a month. currently, i’m having trouble with the riku-ansem fight in kh1. 

Video game you wish you could burn from your memory?

the zelda cdi games? no, i dont really know. i dont hate a game so much that i’d want to forget about it altogether, but i dont exactly love ocarina of time that much. it hasnt aged well and playing it on the gamecube for the first time in 2015 wasnt a good idea. im sure it was revolutionary at the time, but i cant handle the outdated controls gsdgksjs 

Favorite gaming series?

see, i love ffxv itself more than the entirety of the zelda series, but i dont love ff as a SERIES more than the zelda games. so if were talking series, zelda for sure. i fucking love those games and they mean a lot to me. 

Do you skip tutorials, or find them useful?

i often skip them because i cant pay attention, but then find that i need them anyway. so i usually do skim through them. 

Best online gaming experience?

one really good one happened a few days ago in ffxiv, some guy and i exchanged emotes for like 30 minutes and it ended with us becoming friends on psn :’) ppl dont usually emote back at me in that game so this was really wholesome and nice gjshksdj 

Worst online gaming experience?

i dont really have a worst? theyre more annoying. think try harders in gta online killing you 15 times in a row because they want to show you how good they are or something. magically, online gaming hasnt been too hard on me (mainly because i dont game online that much)

Why do you game?

it brings me joy. it’s a fun way of relaxing, while being stimulated at the same time. games have meant a great deal to me the past 6 years and i wouldnt want to lose them for the world.

[sweatmaster3000]

Change

I did something pretty dumb yesterday. I decided to go through all of my texts with my ex. I went through all of them slowly seeing how our friendship started and how our relationship ended. Our friendship started because he was my sisters work best friend. Its funny cuz she told me she knew i would like this guy she worked with and i was like nah. But in my head i was like duh i crush on everyone. When i finally met him it was a few days into working, he showed up early for work so it was me him and my manager. I remember thinking “oh he is cute”, but also telling myself “oh he looks like a cholo”. When i finally seen my sister i had to deflect so i just told her “dude hes so short”. We laughed a bit and moved on.

Slowly we started working together so we started talking more and more. Which for me is easy cuz i can talk for days. After a few month we got a new girl which was around the time Him and my sister started hanging out more and i remember being slightly jealous cuz i also wanted to be a part of that group. I dont remember how or why it happened but i remember joking with him about going on a date. He said ok so we started texting from there. We never did end up going cuz it was supposed to be a group thing and the other two bailed. Slowly me and him started talking more and i became a part of the group. We would all go out and just hang at the park or beach.

Around that time my sister relationship was really rocky so she started hanging out with her Bestfriend more often. They would go to random places to eat, they went to vegas spent an night there and came back, and for her late birthday present he took her to disneyland. I was so jealous i wished i could be his best friend. I remember me and my sister used to joke an say we felt bad for the girl who ended up with him cuz he was a horrible texter and no girl was going to like that. We said we felt sorry for the girl cuz he wasnt really good with presents or even sarcasm.

Eventually my sister broke up with her boyfriend and started dating a new co worker. Things changed when that happened. Suddenly she wasnt a part of our group any more. She wouldnt hang out with us and she defenitely wouldnt hang out with her bestfriend anymore. She would rarely text him or even us anymore. We used to always be at her house or out at a park/beach. I could tell he was hurt so i tried being there for him and distracting him. Around this time we had already started getting closer. We went to the park a few times by ourselves and on one occasion when my family had all gone to tj, he picked me up after work and we stayed out all night until the sun began to rise again.

Eventually we started having inside jokes and i started looking foward to seeing him at work especially if it was just the two of us. We realized we would banter a lot and people said we looked like a married couple. One day we were fighting and he went to the candy isle bought a ring pop and gave it to me. I jokingly told him “ escuse me you have to put it on”. We laughed and he did just that. After a while this customer that he called his Beer Wife came in and he started joking with her and they introduced me. I started joking back and i remember telling her “well i got the ring”. She was a nice lady and she returned a few jokes back. After that it cemented the whole “ youre a married couple joke”.

Eventually the hanging out became mostly just me and him and i started opening up to him and vice versa. He would constantly pick me up from work and we would hang out at the store. He would hit me up late at night with a “Foody Call” asking if i wanted to go get food. I always said yes, i loved spending time with him regardless of if it was just the two of us or the rest of the group. He helped me through the drifting of my Female best friend and the loss of a guy friend who just used me for sex. I confided everything in him. Without realizing it we became best friends. He would look for me and ask to hang out and i would ask him to go to places with me so we could get out and explore.

There was a shift in the friendship things became more playfull and flirty but i continued to push away my feelings for him. The crush became more and i craved his affection, but i never said a word or tried to make a move. I was scared of things ending like with all the other boys. So we continued just being friends hanging out at least four times a week seeing each other almost every day at work and if we didnt then we would send a few texts here an there. It got to the point where i would stop by thw store on my way home from my first job just to see him and possibly hang out after work. This routine continued for month before it finally started to move a bit.

After he got a second job his scheule changed so i wouldnt really see him as much unless he picked me up or he was going in as i was leaving. There was one occasion where i covered his shift and another where i had to stay later because he was runnig late at the other job. I told him he owed me donuts since he worked across the street from Krispy Kreme. He said he would get them the day he was running late and i said fine. When he showed up he realized he forgot the donuts so we agreed to go when he was out. I was a little let down at first but overjoyed that i was gunna hang out alone with him again.

Since it was late when he got out We got the donuts through the drive thru and parked in the lot to eat them. We talked a bit as we ate and then after words we dtarted play fighting again. I poked his side knowing that was his weakness and then finally after months he tried tickling me. He realized i was extremely ticklish and would not relent. He kept pulling me towards him and i kept fighting it scared of what it meant. We ended up face to face a few times and i pulled away scared that i was just imagining things. After a while we both knocked out. I woke up about an hour later and i was cuddled up to him. I woke him up and he dropped me off at home.

The next day at work it was just the two of us again. We were joking around like always and we had agreed to go to the beach after work with my sister and her boyfriend. Like usual i was playing with his phone trying to change his screensaver when a text came in and i accidentally pushed it. It was from a girl who had asked to hang out with him and he had agreed. I remember getting this nasty feeling in my stomach, and gettinf insanely jealous. I put doen the phone and tried workig again to distract myself, but he noticed something was up. He kept asking and i continued telling him i was fine. He wouldnt let it go. I decided to go home and get his sweater on my lunch cuz i knew he wouldnt hit the cooler without it.

I told my sister and her BF that i fucked up and i couldnt hide my feelings anymore. They told me to tell him the truth. One was certain he felt the same way and the other wasnt sure because overall he was a friendly person. I decided to keep it in and live with it. When i got back to work he wouldnt stop pestering me about my change in mood. I told him it was just my depression acting up and he told me he knew that couldnt be it. He stil wasnt 100% sure what was wrong though. We had alreay agreed to go out with my sister and her BF an he still wanted to go so i pushed aside my fear and went along.

We were in the back seat of the car and i remember it was cold out so like always i cuddled his arm. I slowly started drifting off and i could feel my arm sliding down but didnt think much of it. When i awoke we were by the beach and my hand was closed in a loose fist and his was covering it. I said nothing and we both got out the car. While at the beach my siater and he BF left us so it was just me and him laughing on the bench. At some point i jokingly sat on his lap. I realized it mightve been to much so i got off and we continued with the tickling. We decided to go on the swings and we were holding each other pushing each other side to side. My sister returned and we all continued on the swing for a bit until they decided to call it a night.

As we were walking back up to the car he started playing with me again and we ended up far behind our friends. He continued tickling me and we once again ended up face to face. I looked down and just hugged him still scared of admiting the truth. Once up the hill and back in the car i cuddled up to him again only this time we actually held hands. Still though nothing was said. Once we got back to the store me and him decided to stay back with the overnight guy so they could smoke. I stayed unsure of what i was going to stay. Clearly i hadnt been imagining the tension or the flirtation. So maybe i should finally take a chance.

It took me a while but i finally told him. “I fucked up”. I told him i seen the text and that i got jealous. He stood quite for a moment and i asked him if he inderstood what i was telling him. He said “ Yes you like me” i was certain he was going to tell me he didnt feel the same way. Instead he said “I know” i just stood there and asked him “how”. He said “i noticed something changed in you and in us, but i didnt want to say something, until you realized or it went away”. I just stood there realizing he knew me too well and knowing he had my best interest at heart. He knew it was normally me who pushed the guys away when things got serious so he stayed quite so as to not scare me away. He hid his feelings for almost a year the same way i hid mine. Except he admitted it i couldnt so i told him i had barely realized mine. I had done such a good job hiding them i believed myself.

After our long talk i was walking to his car to call it a night, when he suddenly called for me. As i turned around he was going for a kiss but i beat him to it. I had been waiting for it for so long and it did not disapoint. I wanted to keep kissing him forever but also not in front of people so we got in the car and he dropped me off. I came home and just though maybe i can be happy and maybe i will get a happily ever after. I wasnt able to sleep because i was so happy so i ended up going to work that morning with like 30 minutes of sleep.

We decided that we were a couple and it was official. We started hanging out more he would pick me up from work almost everyday or i would see him at work. We continued hanging out at the store or sometimes we would go park somewhere remote to mess around a bit. The first time we did he started sucking on my ear and it caught me off gaurd, but in a good way. It was a small orgasm but it was the first time it had happened while i was with a guy. We stayed in his car cuddling for a while before we came home and he dropped me off.

The first proble/fight happened when we were messing around. I wanted to go further and i kept pushing his buttons. We were about to go all the way when he told me he lost his hard on. I remember feeling like it was my fault. I got out of the car and laid down on the grass, he joined me seconds later. He kept apologizing, but i was acting like it was my fault. He tried talking to me but i didnt want to talk in that moment. He didnt know what to say so he got up and sat in the car. I continued over thinking things so i got up to walk a bit and get fresh air.

By the time he realized i what i was doing he ended up having to run after me. When he finally caught up to me he kept asking me what was wrong. I told him “ Maybe your not as into me as you thought”. He told me that wasnt true and it was just that he was overthinking it too. I told him he didnt have to be with me and he could still leave now before we got too invested. I told him this was what was going to happen when i got insecure. I had been through hell with guys so i didnt know how to react and he said he knew he told me “ do you think id still be here if i didnt know”. He said he wasnt going anywhere.

Things settled down and we were good for a few weeks, then the second fight came. We had agreed o hang out and i told him i would let him know when i came back from shoppin with my mom. When i finally did i walked to the store to meet him and his boss whos also my coworkers brother was there. I didnt think much of it. After like 30 minutes i got annoyed cuz i thought me and him were supposed o hang out but him and his boss were talking the whole time. I know nothing about cars and i also didnt want to be the girlfriend that makes tou stop hanging out with tour friends. So when they decided to go inside i stayed outside and decided to go for a walk while they finished their canversation.

I realize i fucked up and i should have told him first and i shouldve answered when he called but i was irritated and i needed to cool off cuz i didnt want to say the wrong thing. Finally once i cooled off i text him that i was at the park just looking at the stars. He said he would come for me so i said fine. Once he got there he asked me to get in the car but i was enjoying the breeze and the stars so i didnt want to. We bantered a bit more and i reluctantly agreed. Once in th car he asked me what was wong and i just told him i wanted to go for a walk. I still wasnt ready to talk, but i think i also wanted him to try a bit harder and ask me what was wrong.

We had a lot of good times like going to round one and taking pictures togetjer in the booth, or the late night talks after work, but i wanted more. It wasnt entirely his fault though he would ask me what to do and i never knew what to tell him. We were both working two jobs so the only time we really had was when he would pick me up at 1:30am from my first job. I started feeling like he didnt want to be seem with me because he wasnt good with PDA, but he assured me it wasnt true.

We continued hanging out as a group going to movies, bowling, arcade games, the beach, or just hanging out at the store, the last time we hung out alone he had made a plan to take me somewhere. He wouldnt tell me where and we had agreed to go around 8am. I jokingly told him that was early cuz i worked late the night before. I got up and he hadnt text me i got ready and still no word. Around 8:15 i txt him asking if we were still going. (He dad cancelled on me before so i was scared that was going o appen again.) He replied half an hour later saying he had just woke up and that we were, he just figured hed give me more time to sleep. I told him it would have been nice if he had told me seeing as i had been awake since 7. He apolagized sayin he thought he did.

When he arrived i told hom the sleepiness was getting to me so he told me to sleep during the car ride which i did. We drove around for almost two hours and when i woke up he wasnt sure where we were. I laughed and helped him navigate home. I was slightly annoyed that he didnt actually have anything planned, but i tried to enjoy just beinf with him. We ended up grabbing a bite, but i had to leave him cuz we were going to visit one of my aunts. It was only later that my friend told me his plan was to park abd look at the canals but he couldnt find parking, then he was just going to drive by so i could see them but i was still asleep and thats when he decided to leave and got lost. I felt like an ass but i wishes he would have woken me up or communicated some of it with me.

One time after a family party my little sister and her BF had to leave cuz the BF had to work and since we were their ride we came home too. We still wanted to hang out and since only my brother was home we decided to get pizza and watch movies in the living room. Once there i told my brother to go to my room and we watched the movie. My older sister then showed up with her BF and joined us. About an hour later my parents showed up and went to their rooms. By the second movie we were cuddling an it felt nice to not be doing that in a car.

The second time that happened was when we agreed to hang out with my little sister and her BF at their house with pizza and a movie. He picked me up from my aunts house and qe got the food and showed up to watch angry birds. We were cuddling and enjoying the movie when my sister and her BF decided to be fatties and wanted ice cream. So we got our ice cream came back and watched Tv. My sister went to bed, and i was also going to call it a night. My sisters BF and him decided to go back to the store and smoke so i told him goodnight and to both mine and my sisters BFs’ surprise he actually kissed me goodnight.

A few weeks later we had planned to go to horror nights. This wasnt a last minute thing this was planned in advance. The day of i had sent him a picture of a hickey he left me and i didnt think much of the fact that he didnt reply cuz i knew he was at work. Then as we are about to leave to get my cousin he texts me saying “ Im sorry Suedmy, im not going to be able to make it tonight”. I try to call him and he doesnt answer so i go through like 10 different emotions annoyed cuz its not the first time hes cancelled on me.

I text him back “ I shouldnt even be surprised anymore because everytime we actually make plans to hang out you somehow end up not being able to go”. He then replies “Are you mad?”. So i reply “ No im super happy that you cant go. But its fine my cousins going to go since i had already paid for the ticket and so i wont be alone since i hate being scared”. We both fucked up i overreacted but he shouldve explained why he couldnt make it. After this it was all kind of downhill.

The next day i text him to say hi and he didnt reply so i ask him to pick him up like i normally do cuz to this he normally will reply. Still no answer so i walk home. The next day my older sister breaks up with her BF so i txt him saying “ I know you dont want to talk to me but please talk to jerry daisy just broke up with him and he really needs a friend and for obvious reasons i cant be that friend”. He never replied and i ended up going to the beach with my sisters Ex. I was friends with him before they got together and he was still my friend after. We both cried, him about the breakup and me about my BF. Finallt after like an hour he called my friend, but my friend was mad not only for him ignoring me but also cuz for two nights my friend was trying to get a hold of him and he wouldnt answer.

I told him to answer cuz he wasnt going to stop calling. They agreed to meet at the store and when we got there it was really awkward. I needed some courage so i took some of his beer. We wnt at it And i asked him why he was ignoring me he said i never gave him a chance before attacking him. I told him he gave me the vague ass lie he used to use at the store when he would call out. He said he did tell me but he didnt he just though he did. I told him i wanted us to work but we lacked communication and the way we were going wasnt healthy. I told him that i had never tried so hard with someone the way i was with him. He couldnt find the words so he told us he would be right back. That night ended with me telling him id give him space.

After that it was just back and forth me looking for him him not replying. Him finally replying and us hanging as a group. We agreed we wanted to stay friends. The love was still there but there was problems on both side. Him because he had commitment issued and didnt want to hurt me. Me because i was in over my head. He was there for me the day i had a crappy day and i realized i didnt really know who i was. We talked and of course we ended up kissing and cuddling. This routine continued a few more times. When we would hang out he would caress my face and then we’d start kissing. It was nice but then id wonder if we were doing more harm than good.

Finally the last time we hung out i gave him a ring pop. Someone gave it to me on Halloween and it reminded me of that time he gave me one. Apparently it struck a chord cuz he ended up kissing me and telling me how badly he wanted me. It felt good to feel the passion and want again. I told him i still loved him and i always would. But like everything else it didnt last and it wasnt enough. I still wanted to be woth him all the time. I missed how we used to be. I missed the friendship, The late night food runs, staying out past my curfew, getting caught by my dad, laughing that technically i was home before curfew just not inside home. I missed him looking for me, and wanting to see me. I missed him caling me Pookie Bear. I hated pet names but now i missed that stupid pet name.

I finally realized that i need to learn how to be myself and i need to give him space. If he really wants to see me he will look for me and if not then thats fine. I will always treasure the memories we made and i have a few tokens i can look back on and remember. I will never forget him. Even after everything he did teach me a few things. He taught me i can have a guy friend who wont try to make a pass at me and that not every guy is going to try and sleep with me. Some guys will just want to be my friend. Im grateful we never slept together and technically we are on good terms. If he decides to come back and im in a place where im ok with that then maybe things will work but if not then it wasnt meant to be. I wish him the best. I hope both of us can be happy and learn to love in a healthy way.

[oceanelf]

1-30 !!!

1. describe your idea of a perfect date

anything with a certain someone as long as both of us are having a wonderful time

2. whats your “type”

i dont think i have a type, things i like abt ppl are like. waaaay too specific

3. do you want kids?

idk ive never really wanted them personally at all, in fact the idea of having them used to make me super uncomfortable. im still not big on the idea but if my partner really wanted them i think i would

4. if you do, will you adopt or use some other form of child birth?

adopt

5. describe the cutest date you’ve ever been on

idk if i’ve evr been on an official date...if i hav it was a long long time ago when i was in like. middle school

6. no

7. are you a morning time gay or night time gay?

night time gay

8. opinion on nap dates?

god i love the idea so much idk if itd work cuz i dissociate bad after napping usually but maybe i could do it cuz being with someone else usually keeps me grounded

9. opinion on brown eyes?

my fav eyes are brown eyes. they are so beautiful

10. dog gay or cat gay?

dog gay

11. would you ever date someone who owned rodents or reptiles?

absolutely, goals is owning reptiles or rodents w/ my partner

12. whats a turn off you look for before you start officially dating someone

someone who doesnt really show much regard for ppl around them

13. what is a misconception you had about lgb people before you realized you were one?

ive known im gay as long as i can remember so im not sure

14. what is a piece of advice you would give to your younger self

wait a bit longer before coming out, you dont need to do it until you’re sure of yourself

15. (if attracted to more than one gender) do you have different “types” for different genders?

not rly

16. who is an ex you regret?

almost all of them

17. night club gay or cafe gay?

cafe gay

18. who is one person you would “go straight” for

since im nonbinary going str8 is like. impossible

19. video game gay, book gay, or movie gay?

video game gay

20. favourite gay ship (canon or not)

taakitz

21. favourite gay youtuber

pixielocks is so cute

22. have you ever unknowingly asked out a straight person?

ive been w/ str8 ppl b4.......disgusting

23. have you ever been in love?

yep

24. have you ever been heartbroken?

uhhh not quite

25. how do you determine if you want to be them or be with someone

its not that difficult idk

26. favourite lgb musician/band

27. what is a piece of advice you have for young / baby gays

take your time, everything will make sense and feel so much better with time

28. are you out? if so how did you come out

yea uh in 8th grade i rly impulsively came out to my mom and she kinda outed me to the rest of my immediate family after that. in hs i came out to a couple ppl and they outed me to a bunch of other ppl, so it just kinda happened

29. what is the most uncomfortable / strange coming out experience you have

the situation coming out to my dad was awful. i was super unclose w/ him at the tme and was spending the weekend at his apartment, hanging with my friends. it was like 1 week after i’d come out to my mom and suddenly i got a call frmo him saying my mom told him i had something to tell him. i freaked out in front of my friends and came out to them then and there while waiting for him to pick me up, then he brought me to a restaurant and i had a panic attack while i was telling him and he kept crying and the waiter was so awkward and it was just. fucking awful. hes super republican so i really hadnt planned n him knowing for a long time

30. what is a piece of advice for people who may not be in a safe place to express their sexuality

dont worry, everything will be a lot better smeday. until then, just know that not being out doesnt make u any less gay

[tijuana-blues]

I waited until i got to work to type this.

The end of this month crosses the 1 year mark. only one year ago my world was completely different, and on the Verge of Collapse. A little backstory is needed before i continue.

Yesterday was a normal Tuesday for me. Work didnt stress me, no problems arose. My parents texted me and my brother to eat steak for Dinner. The Food was delicious, and i was preparing to head home, hit a Nice Big Dab, play a round of Smite, and hit the sack, seeing as how i hadnt slept in over 24 hours, and the only thing fueling me was the Gram of Coke i bought on Monday lol.

So as i Get up to Put away my dishes and say goodbye, i get a FaceBook Message. Its my Cousin, Isaiah.

He says he got into an Argument with his dad and got kicked out. He needed somewhere to sleep for the night. 

Sure, I tell him. I cant just ignore him if he has nowhere to go. He meets me at my house 5 Minuets later with a backpack full of beer, a bottle of Vodka, and half a loaf of bread and sandwhich meats. My Cousin is crazy lmao, he has the Apache Blood in him more than me. Anyway, since hes staying, i ask if he can find some Wax, so i wouldnt be taking from my Brothers Stash. We meet up a half hour later and pick it up.

so were in my garage, passing the rig back and forth while i Showed him how Smite Worked. And then suddenly he pulls a rolled up baggie out his pocket.

A rolled white Baggie full of powder.

“well we can finish this off, then. since youre letting me Crash here.”

Im not one to ask for payment to crash at my place, but i wasnt gonna say no either lol.

he pours it out on the glass i had been using myself and began to chop it fine with the razor blade i used too.

i had taken a couple pretty good sized dabs in quick order, so i was pretty toasted when he handed me the glass and rolled up dollar. I only saw the 2 lines he had cut on it, so i just assumed he cut two for both of us and i was going first. So i just aim the dollar at the line on the right and Snort away, dragging the dollar quickly, then my Nostril Burst into Flame. I had made a mistake, he cut one line for Me from the PILE on the left.

The PILE i just Tornado’ed up my nose, and was now drinking water to keep my throat from going numb from the river of coke mucus running down it.  I hear my Cousin laughing next to me.

“youre a maniac, Cuz! you railed that whole Fat ass pIle!”

Well Fuck. so much for sleeping. Lighting Coursed through my Veins 5 minuets later, and i started drinking Beers to fight the Drip.

Now Isaiah told me that it was Good Shit, but i hardly take his word for it Nowadays. hes off mark most of the Time. Not this time, Though.

15 Minutes Later im Chainsmoking Cigarettes out front of my Driveway Drinking beer and my Jaw was shaking in my Head.

You know its  Good Shit when it makes someone who spent the last 24 hours doing Coke often, gives him the Jabber Jaw.

me and Isaiah just began to talk bullshit into the NIght. at Around Midnight he was talking about a girl he knew for awhile now liking him. And him liking her too but he didnt think a Relationship would be good at the Time.

Then Youre Face appeared in my Head. Like it always does. I havent Gone a day yet where i dont see you in my head.

I dont know what caused this, Perhaps it was the Coke in my System with the Beer. Or Maybe it made me finally push past my Insecurities.

i Began to talk about how i Felt the Same, how i couldnt really talk to other women or really want to because of the Luggage i was Still Carrying with My Ex, Maria.

And from there i began to talk and Talk and Talk. I couldnt Stop, the Words i had been saying in my head Every day this Past Year came out.  I sat in my Garage all night Long, Until 5:00 AM, Talking to Isaiah About Her.

I didnt hold back, and surprised myself as my eyes stayed dry and my Voice Stone Cold.

I told HIm about How every Woman i ever Dated All Cheated on Me and Left me without a Second Glance.  About How My First Girlfriend Megan roped me into a 3 year Lie and ruined my trust in people. I talked about how the girls i dated afterwards all did the same thing, and how i wished i was joking to him.

I told him about how i blamed myself for each failed relationship, and how id spend nights trying to figure out a way to fix myself. How i felt like i wasnt meant to be Happy with anyone and how i stuffed it all down deep and dealt with it only in my most private moments.

...And Then i told him about How I Met her in my Junior Year of High School. The Class was Anatomy, a class full of 24 teenagers with the worlds Laziest Teacher. It was the First Day, and I walked in to a semi empty classroom with kids walking around, picking out a seat for the rest of the semester. the desks all faced forward, in groups of twos in four rows across. I took a seat on the outside Left side around the Middle. I just dropped my Bag and sat in my Seat, waiting for the class to start, checking my phone every now and Again. 

And the seats began to fill up, the Desk next to me taken by a Tall Nerdy looking kid with blonde hair and Garth Glasses, A KId i Befriended. Daniel Butttruck. Thats not how you spell the last name but thats how it sounds lol. So i named him Butt Truck and thats his name to this day lol. 

The Chair in front of Daniel on the right was taken by a Friend of Daniels, A glasses clad Girl name Aly, And all you need to know about her is that she has a IQ just North of a Bedroom Slipper.

And lastly, A Girl In crutches slowly approached the chair in front of me, and slid into the Chair as the class started. She had a big black velcro Boot strapped to her Leg, and it stuck out into the walkway on our left a bit. She had Dark Hair that was cut into a really cute short style. At first i didnt really notice her until a few weeks into the semester where the Teacher flipped the front two desks around, making Pods of 4. So Now She Faced me and Aly faced Dan on the right. 

Thats When i noticed her.

She had Brown Eyes that shone slightly, like Fine Wood Tarnished to a Dark Brown Mixed with Lighter Browns. Her nose was a small little Button Nose between her prominent Cheekbones that raised when she smiled. She didnt Wear much Makeup, or at least looked like she didnt. I remember to this day about how i would see her smile and laugh a bit as we all got comfortable as a group, me cracking Jokes and being dumb some days, with Days. As time passed i began to Notice her more. I began picking her out in the hallways as i walked to class. Sometimes I would say Hi and see her reaction.She was like me in some ways, wasnt a morning person, and had the same sense of Humor. I remember the time Dan Told us about how he Broke his Leg at Blizzcon.

Yeah, if youre not 12 years old, Dan was the Kid who Broke his Leg in like 2006 at Blizzcon Dancing like a Zombie. He was on Tosh.O or was going to be? ill ask him next time i see him lol. Anyway, hes telling us this story and Maria and I are Freaking Out because we realized he is Internet Famous, and Laughed Like Crazy.

Soon enough, I went from saying hi when i saw her to stopping by her morning class to say hi and chat, since my morning class was down the hall from hers, then sometimes wed walk toward our next class. Mind You, i Was a Junior at 17-going on 18, and Maria was two years younger than me. I never tried to flirt with her, but i enojoyed talking to her. I remember clearly One Winter Morning as i walked in from the Bus Lanes to my Morning Government Class, I see her standing by her Morning classroom, i dont remember what it was. She had her phone and was tapping away on it. I quickened my Pace as i passed her, and called out, “Maria!” she popped her head up and looked at me, and i Flipped her off. She gave a look of Confusion and laughed, walking into her classroom as the bell rang. I remember giggling to myself as i sat down, then asking myself, “Why the fuck did i do that for?? Idiot!”

That was the beginning of my Senior Year, Graduated 2011. We didnt have much contact after i Graduated, while i did the little schooling i did do, and work at that God Awful Produce Factory that first year out of High School.It wasnt until about a year or so later, when i started my job at Wal-Mart and Moved in with Christian. i remember it being Spring When i Saw Her Again. I Was collecting carts to put back in the cart corral, when i heard a Girls Voice Call my Name out in the Parking Lot.

I look out towards Barros Pizza in the plaza and i saw her Again.

It was a Bright Sunny Day, Not too Hot yet in the Summer. Her Hair had grown a bit longer, but still had its shape. She wore a Bright Yellow SunDress with Sunflowers on it. I remember how Cute i thought it was on her. I remember this moment so clearly because it was in that moment i felt something inside my heart. Like a Spark running through it.

I smiled and walked out to meet her, she had two of her other friends with her, they had been eating at Barros. Maria Hugged me and Asked me how i had been, and i told her about how i started working there and i live on my own now, looking into colleges. We chatted for a few minutes before i had to go back to work. I asked for her number to text with and, she walked off. As i went back inside i remember the times in Anatomy with our little group, and how i used to enjoy chatting with her. it also made me Remember the day i flipped her off, Years ago. As i lay down in bed that night, I remember thinking of her and telling myself, “you know, i think she would be an awesome Girlfriend.”

Months Passed and i hadnt had much Contact with Maria. I had my own problems at the time and i remember that period of my life to be so unstable i didnt want to date a girl and Live there lol. But i would text her every now and then and wed talk for a bit. I remember her dating someone at the time, and living with them. One Night in Particular I noticed she was posting on Tumblr and it seemed like she was Upset. So i Texted her and asked if she was doing alright. She said she was fine, but shes too much like me, i say that just to get people to leave me alone. I text back that she can talk or vent to me, that i didnt mind. And she did. She began to talk about her Relationship with her BF and how they rarely see each other because of work schedules and School. She told me she was thinking of just packing her things and leaving while he was at work. I told her, “Do what you have to do. if you arent happy, why are you there?”

i texted about a week or so later. She left him. She Began talking about moving to Portland With a Friend, and Getting out of AZ. I remember being bummed out at the news, my feelings for her had began to grow. I decided to step away for awhile, let those feelings go away. It must have been around 3 or  4 months later, or longer? But anyway, i see her posting on Tumblr Again, and i send her a DM asking how shes been, and if she moved to Oregon. She replied back and said her Friend Flaked, and that she really didnt want to go anyway. She says to text her, and i Ask for her Number Again. 

From then on, we talked semi often every couple days, more and more often as time passes. Finally, one Day i ask her to hangout sometime, go to the arcade, play air hockey. We had been talking pretty often by then, but no obvious flirting or anything. We meet up at the arcade and we take turns playing different games, Giant Connect Four, Air Hockey, Ticket Games. She bought me a little T rex with her tickets, i named him Revan. Then we just sat on a couch and People watched those who walked in. I remember feeling her arm against mine as we sat together, and Me leaning in Quickly and kissing her cheek, and Seeing her Smile.

About 4 or 5 more little Dates Later, I ask her if she would be serious, because i wanted to be.

Her Face Brightened as i saw her give the biggest Smile i ever seen from her, and she said Yes.

I told Isaiah how as the first year passed, i had been drunk off the happiness i had at the time. As i learned more about Maria, the more attractive she was to me. She is unlike any woman ive ever met before, or have met since. I told him about how i talked about her to my friends all the time, how smart she was, how she volunteered at a Funeral Home Embalming Bodies and playing with Corpses like a Badass. 

Then came my 22nd Birthday, on the first year we were dating in 2014. I didnt even want a present from her, she was all i wanted any day. I dont know why i never told her things like that. She Baked me Fudge Brownies after work on the week of my birthday, and i was more than happy.

Then she pulled a box out of Nowhere, Smiled That Warm Smile i Had come to Adore, and Said “Happy Birthday Babe!”

Before that Moment, i Cant recall a time that i was genuinely Surprised like that. I remember the words stopping in my throat and jumbled with the ones i had tried to say Next. Genuine Excitement as i opened the Long Brown Box. I opened the top flap and pulled the Styrofoam Casing to the Rectangle stick inside, Bright White with a Black Line going Down along the Length of it. And inbetween the space in the Line at the Hilt, Was the Red and White Sigil of the Uchiha.  

A fucking Uchiha Sword! Like i was in actual Disbelief when i Realized. And what i explain next i never told anyone other than Isaiah that night.

I had to Try my Hardest to keep from Crying in that moment. Not because i loved the Gift she had gotten me, and how she made it a surprise, Something no one has done for me before. 

It was because i remember a couple weeks before,as we scrolled Netflix one evening, i Saw Naruto on the list. I geeked out and asked you if you ever watched it, and began geeking out about it to her. I Made her watch some of my favorite episodes, and she would playfully Tease me about it. As My birthday neared, i came home from work one day to watch some Naruto Myself, and Booted up Netflix.

Someone went about 4 episodes ahead of where we Left off Last. I was at Work, and it was her Netflix Account. She actually started watching it because of how much i told her i liked it. Then She picked out something SHE thought i would like, instead of asking what I wanted like My Lazy Ass does.

No one had ever shown interest in Me like that before, and it touched me right in that moment. I blocked all emotion and was all smiled as i Hugged her Maria and told her how much i loved it. That thing was glued to my hip for like 2 months straight, i would get high after work and watch old Samurai and Ninja Movies, and act out the sword fighting with it. I even slept with it for the first Week.

In the days after that, i saw Maria in a whole new Light. I always knew the Maria who had her walls up to Anyone, the “i really dont care,” attitude she had when she was grumpy in the mornings. I got a glimpse at the Maria That was Behind that wall, The Real Maria.

Who Was sweet, considerate, and Generous. Loving and who could make me laugh.

Ever since that i saw that small glimpse of Her, My heart swelled and pumped blood thrice as hard, and my hands would shake and my mouth would get dry.

I was Falling in Love with you.

Hours have Passed, its Around 2 AM. The Line of Coke has me at Full Speed still, having plenty to say still. Isaiah just sits and drinks, giving the odd acknowledgement every couple of Sentences.

The months after my Birthday have passed, and things seem great between Maria and I. If i only knew what i know now.....

If i had just Put more Faith in You, and in my Heart. It Kills me to know how things would be if i had just manned up and told you how you made me feel....

After the first year, the strain began. We both worked. I had the accounting Job with the Contracting Company, and Maria was Working at a local Kids clothing store, and Volunteered at the Funeral Home, Along with her classes, AND she tutored.

i understood she had a full plate alot of the the time, not to mention the headaches and pains she would have. And that time of the month the poor girl was in pain Constantly.  So i didnt get upset or mad when she didnt have time to visit or was too tired from work. we were always talking.

But eventually the Strain and My past would come to Signal the End. it was August, 2015. My brother had fallen Behind on his Mortage Payments on his house, and needed to make a payment ASAP or he would lose the House. Naturally i gave him all the spare cash i could to keep a roof over our heads.

Unfortunately, It left me Penniless during the Month of August, which Marias Birthday was in.  I Felt Like Complete Shit but i was in a corner. I apologized to her and promised to make it up to her. It wasnt a big deal to her, but i just hated that it made me look like i dont give a shit. 

I had an Ace an hole, Though. i Saved a link to a site that makes Custom Rings that Maria had posted in Tumblr that she really liked and wanted. I ordered it and did it early enough to get it before Christmas.  It was already Too Late.

Maria was beginning to grow distant, not replying as soon or as often before. the replies getting shorter and shorter, the tone colder and colder. As we approached My birthday again, I plan a Group event with my friends and family, cause last year we went Paintballing and Maria wasnt there, she had work and class.

So im thinking of what i could do for a group, and i see that Charlie Murphy is doing a show ON my Birthday, a Friday! It was Perfect. I called and Reserved seats for everyone, ordered Bottle Service, i was so excited!

I texted Maria Telling her About the Comedy show and Date of My Birthday. She says she cant make it cause of work, she gets off at around 12. I was Bummed, but I understood. 

The Big Day comes and it starts off great. Work was a Breeze, and Maria greeted me with a Warm Happy Birthday first. As the day progressed Everything seemed Normal. As evening sets, we all get ready to go to the show. 8 o clock, Showtime!

it was a Fantastic Show, me and all my Friends and Family drinking and Laughing our Asses off. The only thing missing was Maria. I texted her before the show saying id text her after it was over. it woulda been near to midnight, and she coulda met up with us. The show ends around 1040, and the manager says we can finish off the bottles in the bar. Me and my Friends stay, and start getting Tanked. 

Midnight Comes, and i text Maria asking if she was off yet and if she wanted to come meet us. Time passes, and no reply.

she probably went home and crashed, she was probably tired, I think, as it wasnt Abnormal for her to Nap during the Day or whenever she could. So i check Facebook, and it Hits me.

A friend Tagged her and some friends at Westgate, not Long ago.

My heart Goes into FreeFall in My stomach.

Why would she be at Westgate After work? did she Ignore my Text...? why...?

My insecurites flared, and i assumed the worst. I remember everything going Quiet around me, My heart Hammering in my chest, blocking out all other noise.

i Shouldve just called. i Shouldve had more Faith in you, and what i Meant to you.

When every girl you date cheats on you and leaves, in a Row, it was hard not to assume the worst, when the worst is what always happens to you.

I remember the tears welling up in my eyes as i get up to go outside the bar. She went to go out with her friends, and she knew it was my Birthday Today....

It didnt make any sense to me, it all seemed so unbeliveable. But ive been wrong before. And add the excessive Alcohol, you get a Recipe for a Terrible Mistake. 

I wasnt Dumb, I knew Maria and I were Drifting apart, Our schedules getting more and more hectic. My job stressing me the fuck out day after day, Marias Packed Schedule.

I was so fucking stupid. Why did i wait? Why didnt i just drop to my knees and tell her when i look at her eyes, i feel like i could do anything. That when she was in my arms i Felt like i needed to become a Better man for her. Why did i wait?

December. Jerkoff Hipster making her ring is falling behind, gonna need a couple more weeks. delivery date mid Janurary. I Threw A fucking Fit. i could feel it all slipping away, no matter what I did. Why did i Wait?

I was so Terrified of Opening up to you, and you not feeling the same way. The Thought of looking into your eyes and telling you that i was in love with you, and i wanted to be with you forever, or until i died. I was Terrified of looking into your eyes and Shooting me down. The texts got shorter and shorter. only strengthening My doubts and Fears. 

Christmas. The Ring wasnt Ready yet. Another Fucking Embarassment. She got me a Captain Phasma Painting and some Marvel Shirts. I tell you, “look, i ordered this is time to get it for Christmas, but the Guy Got Delayed and it wasnt ready yet, but... i showed you the Ring on my Phone. 

It was the last smile i Saw on you in Person.

So many oppurtunities, wasted. so fucking Stupid. I promise to make it up to you.

Down to One Word Answers, or no Reply at all.

Janurary 2016. Hiroshima.

Valentines Day is Coming, Ill have the Ring Then! and i ordered a Cute little Stuffed Corgi to go with Some Flowers and a nice Romantic Date! i order everything and wait. 

You came over one week, and seemed in such a foul mood, i couldnt place it. I thought you were in Pain Probably. I tried to cuddle you, kiss your cheek, you clearly dont want the affection. I try something alittle more...Adult. 

You Grabbed my Wrist, and Yanked my Hand away, throwing it off you. I was in Shock. I still remember the look you Gave me that night, Clear as day. That Piercing Glare, Looking Right at me. Pure Anger. and Pain.

Youre replies, in thier Rarity, lacked no padding for thier sharp edges. I believe its all Over Now.

Late January 2016.

You came over one Last time. We had Sex one last time. I remember grabbing you after the first go around as you got up and laid you back down. I was such a Fool.

The Ring was Delivered that Weekend. Monday i text you to see when your free to visit next, your ring is ready and i wanted to see if it fit correctly. You reply your busy tomorrow. i ask with what? you reply with: Concert. i ask What concert. You say: Tribal Seeds.

You stopped Replying After That. The Next Day i texted you again asking when can you come hangout and see your Ring? 

You Broke up with me after that. 

It felt like everything around me had fallen below me, and all that was left was the dark and Silence. Typing about it now makes the Hole in my heart Ache. I remember how hard the Rain Poured that Night.....As i Cried along with it.

And it was only the Beginning for me.

The first weeks after that day are a blur to me. Either Too Many Drugs Or too Many Drinks, take your pic. i was Broken. One moment you were there, you were mine, and i was gonna fix everything come Valentines Day. I had a Nice Romantic Dinner planned, then a Scenic Walk where i would show you the ring and tell you that even though were having a Rough Patch right now, that i loved you and i wanted to do everything i can to prove it to you.

But you Had other plans didnt you?

God i can still feel my heart when I saw pictures of you and Him....I dont know how to Describe how Painful it was to see. It was only Feb, and you were already with someone else? Posting Valentines Shit? I cried for hours, I begged for you not to be like the others, To just leave me for Someone Else so Fucking Fast, like i was Nothing to you.

But thats how it went down, though. Didnt it?

Friends for over 5-6 Years, Lovers for 2.

I couldnt even get a goodbye.....Just a Text. Was that all i was worth, to you?

You got with him within Weeks of Dumping me. Yet your Tumblr youre heartbroken and sad. It was like i had Entered into some NIghtmare.

within the First Two Weeks, I dropped four Hits of Acid at Once. I wanted to Escape. Instead i jumped right into it. I see you posting on Tumblr. Sad, Depressing things. Your Tags show how you deleted the texts from your phone, even though you didnt want to. How you could literally see in your texts of your declining Affection for me. In the end, It was my own doing.

With the Courage of Acid, I messaged you. I ask if your okay, and you ask why, like i dont see your posts, like i dont possibly know why you could be feeling so sad. Even then, at the end, you couldnt be honest with me.

I ask you Maria cant we please Talk?

You say About what? Like you thought i was stupid.

And thats when i just finally, for the first time, although Far too Late. I opened up to you.

I remember Anatomy.

I Remember You At Barros that Day

I Remember Air Hockey at the Arcade.

I remember The Birthday Gift.

The Words poured out then like they do now, The Spark you set in my Heart was the most important thing to me.

Whatever i needed to do to make it work, no matter what, just please dont give up on me.....

You may as well as shot me dead with your reply.

“if you had said that before, things would be Completely different.”

“saying it Now doesnt Mean Much to me now”

Those words still Haunt Me, A Year Later. And it is not even the worst to come.

You Had the verdict long before i even knew. You Found my “dating Profile” Online, and didnt say anything. just let it stew inside you. As we grew apart it hurt to see you just blatantly ignore my messages. So i used that profile to look at women, nothing else. It was only on My Birthday i Night i Made a Mistake i Will Regret forever. Maria wasnt there, she was with her friends. she didnt want to come here, or answer my texts. she chose to be with my friends. I was always the girls’ Second Choice. I got Drunk. I got Upset. I wanted Petty Revenge. I cheated. I Dont even Remember her Name or what she really looked like. Never should have done it.

A month Passes. March. I ask to still be friends, and how i missed you. We start talking again, almost like how it used to be. Tagging each other in posts again.But i also See him. Concerts, posts, tags. It tore me apart. Some Days i would wake up at 4 AM from my alarm for work, and Your Face would be the first thing i see in my head. The Tears would flow before i could even open my eyes for the first time. I try to get you to meet up with me, so we can talk. After i opened up that night you agreed we should talk. Then you just changed your mind....You Said give it time, walk the path, smell the Roses, and maybe we can start again...

My heart is Pumping like a cannon as i go into detail for Isaiah, how i became a madman, was so motivated by the mere notion that MAYBE there was a CHANCE we could work it out later. I couldnt be stopped. I drank Nothing but Water, ate only Chicken, Raw Veggies, Salmon and Fish, and cut out ALL sugar and breads. I dropped 30 pounds in a Month, and was in great shape for a fight at the gym i trained at. I would watch these Inspirational videos everymorning at 3 AM, just to run for an hour. I posted everything on Snapchat, Only Because i Wanted Maria to see it. I was so Optimistic...

April 2016.

Family Vaction in Mexico. A week with a private beachfront Villa and as much Booze as i can drink. i go in with Gusto. The Villa Has Wifi, can keep up with your posts.tagged me in some. Then the posts about him.

I hated how it made me feel to read them. He had what i wanted for us. Our own Place. Just Us. and a Dog.

He took My Place and it Ate me Alive from the Inside.

I stayed up all night, drinking tequila by the shot, playing Toro Y moi and Chain smoking. I watched the reflection of the moon dance on the waves, and thought of you. When i hear the Ocean, and nights when the Moon is Large and Beautiful, i think of you. 

I Broke that night......

I knew there was no Path, no flowers to smell.

There was no Second Chance.

I Lost her.

And i couldnt get her back. She didnt want me anymore.

she wants someone else now, and when i Think about it I have to imagine Flames burning the thoughts away.

I guess after that night, i lost my motivation, i Wised up.

And i knew i had to come clean to you. It was the hardest thing i ever did.

It hurts so much still, looking back. Im So sorry...

Even after i hurt you that day, i still saw a sliver of you come through your walls.

I begged for you in time to forgive me, and over time we could be friends again. Let me earn back your trust, understand i made a Terrible Mistake and im willing to do anything to make it work.

Most people would have told me to go to hell and never talk to them again.

But not you. Not even then.

You Said, “ Maybe in time i will forgive you. maybe i wont. Depends on how i feel. for now you should make yourself scarce.”

I was stunned,,,those words hung on me for months after.  Did you really mean that, Maria?

And that was the last time i heard from you for awhile...i remember Breaking down at work....The Silence hurt the most. No Texts, No Posts, Nothing.

Not only did i lose the woman i Love, I lost a dear Friend as well...

When i Returned home, i Quit Training, I quit the fight, I quit Dieting. That deep, Dark Hole you brought me out of, Maria.....when i saw you that day....I went Right Back in.

since May 2016 i was in a hole that i could not get out of. sure, i made it look like i was living the life on snapchat, but in reality, on the inside, i was so broken.  Then Life Decided to kick me while i was down, and Took my Bonnie away from me. As if it couldnt get worse. My Brother and I Bawled as they put her to sleep. I was so fucking Lost.....

So i texted the one person who maybe might put up with my Bullshit....You.

and you were nice, you coulda kicked me when i was down and wouldve been justified. But you heard me out....More of that Real you shining through.

It is 4 AM now. i have spent all night telling this story to Isaiah, who has listened intently this whole time.

I tell him how after the months of Bonnies Death, I just didnt leave the house. Tried my Best to leave you be and not see shit that would kill me on the inside. The days became Quiet and Lonely. your presence in Tumblr becomes less and less active. 

I hardly see you or your posts anymore...

i harden my heart and try move on.

Then i see your posts about your health. the doctor scare, Lupus.

I felt so bad, and worried i wanted to see if you were okay, even though i knew you hate my guts.But i worried and Worried and finally said fuck it and just sent a message saying i heard what youre going through, im sorry, i hope you get better soon, if you need anything, please ask

I wasnt expecting a Response, Yet you sent one : Thanks for Caring.

couldnt expect more than that, so i leave it be.

That Night, Maria makes a post.

Its About me. 

My heart jumped into my throat and got stuck. My hands shook as i held my phone.

I didnt completely erase you out of my life.

i still think about you, from time to time.

Thank you for texting me today.

thank you for still caring about me.

Despite the shit i post on here, I still Care about you too.

And No its not the drugs Talking.

I read and Re-Read that post thousands of times in the following months. On Bad Days, Days where i wanted to give up. I read that post and it kept me going. First time reading it i Cried for hours. It was as if God heard a prayer.

To see you say that you still cared.....you will never know what that did. how that felt for me. Even Now it makes me tear up.

My heart didnt hurt as much after that, it healed some of it. I was always confused with Maria. One moment she says she cares, then comes off as your nothing to her. i never knew which was which.

and now, as the year came to face my Birthday again. There was only one thing i wanted. truly wanted. and if i got it, getting nothing else from anybody wouldnt even fucking matter.

I just wanted you to say Happy Birthday.

I didnt think you would. i thought you would have moved on by now, enjoying youre new life with him. I couldnt bleed about it any longer. i took the pieces of my heart and piece it back together again. i began to accept reality. and the pain began to dull.

NOV. 20th 2016

Saturday.

Woke up Early and went out to the woods to do some shooting. all day there. Head back for some Missouri BBQ, and get ready to get Blackout drunk Tonight. Night Goes well, Got trashed, had fun, Fought a couple dudes, enjoyed myself.

Got back to Devins Late that night. Eat Chocolate BDAY cake drunk.

Head off for bed. I sit on the edge of the bed and look at the time. 9:40 PM

She isnt gonna say it. Oh well. 

go to your blog to lookup your post to make me feel better.

Read the words, smile and Remember. Pain Begins to set in. 

back out of tags to leave, see another tag you never seen before.

“C and I”

click tag link.

Heart Explodes in my Chest, Breath Frozen in throat.

Its a picture. of us. Smiling. 

the Caption Read:” I know i have trouble expressing my emotions and feelings and stuff but this guy right here means the world to me. Hes sweet, caring and Funny and---”

I couldnt read the Rest. I began to Cry Non Stop, Like someone Just Told Me my mother was Murdered.

I couldnt stop it, couldnt control myself. The pain was so much. Each one more painful to look at. How did i never see them? How??

I couldnt do it anymore. I couldnt keep taking the pain of it. I deserved to be Happy too..

its been two months since that day.

its been over a year since i last seen you with my own eyes, heard your voice....

And now we reach the end of this story. i force myself to block out the memories, remember nothing.

I have to move on with my life....

and yet....after saying all that Isaiah, which After i had finished,  8 hours had passed. 8 hours i poured out my soul. such a weight had been lifted, it felt so good for someone to hear me out...

so i finish this sad story, and Isaiah asks me one question: How do you feel about her now?

I stayed quiet for a good amount of time. i mulled it over. every memory. Good. the Bad. The Ugly.  and i finally settled upon:

I miss her, Isaiah. Not like a lover misses his spouse, but like a friend who helped another Grow.

I hope to see you again one day, Maria.

[beautifullybrokensblog-blog]

Life Imatating art. Im a warrior. Dont get it wrong i have survived, but im not a survivor IM A WARRIOR!

#evenMorriganwascrushbylove, #homewreckerthisallyou #owie

  Are you proud of Who You Are. Do you like Who You Are. I don’t know how you could! I couldn’t like somebody  who purposely hurts children and ruins their homes. I couldn’t like someone who would knowingly cause pain 4 no reason other then she had a ache in her crotch. Did it make you feel accomplished or strong, 2 get your hands on my husband. Real strength is in doing what’s right. Strong women get their own man,  not act like sneaky whoring holes that cant understand right from wrong. How do you sleep at night I ask because my children can’t they keep having nightmares about a divorce or if I leave.   You took their security way.  Shame on you curse you they dont deserve someone like you taking there home and family from them on a whim, how alful. You put them through this only because you want to see if you could, just some game to you, a challenge but its nothing, you dont even really cared about anyone. you have destroyed seven people my family is shattered your affair with my husband has stripped my home of joy so I asked you are you proud? it doesn’t seem right that you get to smile well my adult children worry about a mother that seems empty anymore they watch me fight for so long just to live now i wish i hadnt.  Why did you walk in and take what little bit of joy and hope and happiness I had. Take the pride of family and make it a joke. You took form him to my husband, he lost the respect, lost the trust of his children wife nieghbors church.  You stole from the children the sleep and carefree youth,   the younger two keep having nightmares since this happened they’re afraid if I leave or we get divorced what will happen to them,they  remember what it was like before me and they know what it’s been like   up until now the short lived happiness of family and wholeness and none of us are sure we can do that anymore and here’s a really screwed-up thing if you cared about him you would have thought about these things you would have thought about the fact that if I don’t pay the rent and I’m not here if I leave my husband he will lose this house because he cannot even afford the rent on his income  muchless add electrinity Child Care  food xcetera.   I on the other hand would be just fine my monthly annuity would go up by $450 my medical would be reinstated at full free and I have family here now. I am heartbroken I truly have lost everything I love my family but you don’t care about that you just wanted to get laid. I want you to fully understand the situation you caused the selfishness of your actions I hope someday that you feel the anguish of having to go on while  simultaneously know that the happiness  the joy and the trust, everything you believed has dissolved just suddenly gone. because some girl walked into your life ripped your family like you did mine. I hope that you have to hit your knees like I do and that you pray you wont wake up the next morning  because these nothing worth the pain you gonna feel.  and I hope you feel the crushing despair of waking up the next morning and knowing you’re still there and the situation still exist and then the other woman still exist but she’s smiling and you’ve got  no smiles only uncertainty there is no choices left really, cant leave without children lossing everything, dont want stay anymore because now there is nothing to stay for. And you cant just get over it and forgive because you nolonger have a heart to forgive with.  I hope you have to come to a decision for sake of the children because without you they won’t have a home they won’t have their care because you’re the only mother they’ve ever had and see it’s a little different than other children because these kids have already gone through being abandoned these kids have already been shipped from foster home to foster home.  and while your head spins and you can’t think straight and all you hear is your own silent screaming inside. you have to paste on a smile and you have to do day-to-day life and you have to see doctors and therapist and help your children and you have to pretend everything’s okay even though you’re dead inside. The love you felt is fire that only burns you tourtures you.  they emptiness were your faith in love and husband were  is now dark cold ugly  impossising and swallows all hope all of  you like black whole devoring your soul .And the pain spreads he looses frieds and his family, then three verry good people who called him dad nolonger can look at him with out shame and anger. we are all stuck in a Time Loop of endless imploding doom what gives you the right to be so flippent with other people lives and well being.  You devastated me in a way ( I have to give you credit because you did to me but cancer couldn’t, being raped couldn’t, losing family couldn’t) your actions brought me to my knees your actions have taken form my kids their sense of values our sense of family their belief in wedding vows loyalty and honesty. you ruined the respect for their father and you’ve left them wondering if relationships never work. If anybody is ever faithful because I mean Dad couldn’t do it,  oh but I did and there witnessed to what i got for it.   All I can do is think about the whole situation over and over and there is no going backwards no matter what I do there’s no fixing it it’s just too smashed up. One of the things I thought of since my husband wasn’t exactly faithful honest or trustworthy wasn’t exactly respectful of our marriage. Maybe he wasn’t completely honest with you either about me. So I introduce myself I am the woman the wife the mother you so casually took all hope from. the ones whose foundest memories are now only painful I am his wife we have been for 8 years you probably don’t know. But when I met him he had nowhere to live is children were in foster care and about to be adopted out his oldest son had already been adopted . He was struggling to get sober, he had court issues and fines and a record. but I fell in love so I gave him a place to live with me and my children in my home and I filed all the paperwork with the courts to get his kids back I took him to all of his DUI classes & parenting classes, anger management things that he had to do for the courts. I took him for his drug testing I got him his Sr 29 I paid for his alcohol classes and I made sure that he was able to go through with every hoop CPS through at him. and then together we went back to court with CPS and we got custody now something you should know is his little daughter Mia and Andrew had been in the foster care system being bounced around for almost 1&½ yrs at that point they were only 33mo and six when I brought them home.  It was hard those first 6 years I was the sole provider. So he could do all the things that the courts and CPS wanted him to do. Then there was his criminal history he was unable to get a job so I got all the paperwork and I wrote his dissertation for his judge and I got a lawyer to stand in court with him so he had an opportunity actually talk to the judge and I expunged his record. now he has been working for just over a year. And this last month March was the first month in 8 years that my husband’s pay any rent we split it.  he has contributed to electric bill twice in 8 years. so you see I keep the roof over our heads and his children I keep the power on I get them to school I take them to doctors to therapy I do the all the homework I clean the whole house, he doesn’t do housework at least never has I do the laundry I watch the children this is my day. I get up at 5:30 I have half hour to make coffee take a shower and come to life before I wake up the kids they get on a school bus at 6:30 then I clean the house I start whatever laundry check to see what bills need to be paid or what appointments need to be kept and then my husband rolls out of bed at 10 I drop him off at work we leave here at 11:30 I get back home at 12:30 I now have two hours to clean other people’s toilets to subsidize our income so I can put food on the table because at 2:30 somebody has to be here to get Andrew off the bus because if you don’t know Andrew is physically and mentally disabled and he requires 24/7 care it does not go to regular school he’s in a day program Mia gets home at 4:30 usually I’ve gotten Andrews homework done by then I know it’s time to Mia. Next I have to make dinner so it can be served at 6:30 cuz one of the things with Andrew is autism and he has to have a schedule thats consistent or it throws him into episode he also has ADHD and oppositional Defiance disorder which means that any day the school can call me to come pick him up because he’s not getting along. if im not here what happens to them.  I can make it with out him I do have my annuity from the cancer.  A long fought lawsuit after years ago the government put a magnesium plant at the bottom of the hill we lived on. my mother, father, three Sisters two brothers and my grandmother have all died from cancer I am sole Survivor after 12 surgerys so I get paid every month a breakup of award from the lawsuit that’s what Shawn lives off my misfortunes. I have to stay up and get him after work, and am expected to have time together while he unwinds after work im lucky if i get more than 4 hrs a sleep a day. I havent had a day with out his kids in yrs.  I was home with his kids, paying his way, loosing my medical care while him and his kid get free medical through state, because the kids are not my bio.  so i nolonger have depents and his income is held against me but i get no bennifits or bills paid from him no it gose to his games and nights out with friends, and fucking around with you. You two get drunk and go dancing at the bar, and full around in front of all my nieghbors.  He gets pulled over and gose to jail for dui and i get all your fucked off inappropriate sex text to him.  So for all my doing “the right thing” for being his rock and wife in every sense possible.  Along comes you and 1000’s of dollars in fines and court fees and impound fees. As it is he only sees his kids while they are awke for 8 hrs wk after school on Thursday and Friday. The rest of the time hes asleep when there leaving for school and they’re already asleep when he gets home.  But you two can go out on the town?  I have only been out with my husband with out his kids 3 x in 6 yrs.  How dare you how dare both of you.  That is some shady shit, you two did to this family so dirty AND YOU HAD NO RIGHT OR REASON TOO. If there is any justice in this world i hope it finds you. I hope you get a taste of my life. I hope you get cancer, i hope you get so sick and your teath fall out from it the chemo and the puking. I home the treatment robes your bones of strenght and you get degenerate disc disease and loose use of different extremities all the time with no warning,. and you get to feel the pain of neuropathy from having a stroke. Be cause your so physically over extended and exhausted from doing it all for your family.  And I hope you fall madley deeply in love with some that you would do everything for them and you get to be a mom but to kid that are his not yours and then i hope someone like you comes along and and suduces your husband and it ruins everything and you have to hold those kids why they cry and beg you make it work cause there scared to death of the life had before you, and everyone including that other woman knows, if you go thats exactly were they will be.  So you really cant do any thing but struggle to breath and cry and hurt in ways no one ever should.  And i want you know i mean really understand what a selfish awful person you are. i want you to beg for death like i do because of you.  The only difference between us then will be you will have deserved it.

Amy cannday and your little check out friend now the world knows what you are

[unproduciblesmackdown]

I finished it. real real sad over John b macklemore not gonna lie. dude wasn't perfect like he was rough around the edges and kind of a dick but like. he was a troubled queer dude and I have a lot of sympathy for that like his love life... made me so sad and he fucking had mercury poisoning like fuck... and then his land just getting bought up by k3 lumber like I know Rita had some depth to her but fuck Rita for that in particular. also do you think Tyler found the gold? (1/ ?)

right like….i dont remember which episode it was but that they were kind of putting together the picture of john being this guy who’s life was centered around how aggressively he cared. like how pissed he gets that other ppl DONT care abt things, and his insistence that everyone sucks and needs to be better, like as self righteous and misguided as it could be, its still part of that intent where he wants to help people in the ways he thinks is necessary. like i think personally i couldnt have been patient enough to interact with him, and i mean it seems like thats kind of a theme lol…like it isnt like theres not a bunch of parts of him that are A Good Person & generous & caring and all, but on this interpersonal individual level and how he channeled things, it’s definitely not the best sometimes

like for one thing he seems like the kind of person who is overly self assured and has a really narrow perspective. like his immediate assumption about a person or situation is what he thinks of as immediately true. he’s got all these judgments he’s doling out, big and small. i couldnt have the patience for that for very long. and he still has a narrow perspective on some things obviously, like he wants a broad range of information but not necessarily other peoples experiences of analyses of things. and yknow still some white dude from alabama and his bigotry even if his “big picture” thoughts on things weren’t as awful as it was obvious was common in that town

like yknow it feels like olan sums up so many things abt john lol. like he recognized how much of a genius and how talented he was, and he never fully wrote him off although there was always shit that kept him from thinking abt being able to like, seriously be in a relationship with him. i feel like i really got what he was saying about how john wouldnt listen to him abt brokeback mtn being good or that he should see it lol coz im like. i get excited abt shit i really like & if someone waves that off or insults it i wouldnt forgive them, like theres so much of this over the top assurance in his own initial opinions and disregard for others’ that he wasnt gonna believe olan even though olan had seen it and john hadnt. and then that he finally did read the short story and liked it, like dude yeah some more of that. he’s got his own thoughts about everything but its like he feels too superior with them. and like he’s still right even if he makes friends mad, like it cant just be him or whatever.

like it wasnt just that he was weird or that he had weird interests or anything that struck me as why he was always so lonely lmao like not that im saying it was his fault or it was only One Thing, but those smaller issues of him could kinda be impossible to get past, but at the same time a lot of ppl seemed like they werent willing to cut him off entirely or write him off cuz of all the other shit about him, he really was like, so unusual in all these ways and clearly it wasnt like there was a shortage of conversation to be had with him

anyways yeah it seems really counterproductive that he was born where he was and couldnt get out. like, not fitting in at all at school, being like what sounds like someone would call bi but i doubt he’d’ve grown up w that kinda language available even if it wasnt shittown alabama—but it does sound like he preferred men and that it was such a bad place for that, like relationships couldnt even be a factor for anyone around there hardly b/c being openly together was hardly an option, one night trysts was all that was really relevant. but it was obvious he was always wanting to be with someone and he just didnt have a way to do that, and couldnt manage to really find anyone. it really is such a heavy subject to think of queer people just being in the wrong place and time to understand themselves and what they want and even if/when they do, not have access to it

uhh yeah one thing that made me the maddest abt tbe last ep was finding out k3 took the land. like how fuckin symbolic. and those shitty rich white supremacists who feel like they literally run the town, fuck them. i WAS never sure abt rita and charles coz like. the relatives who nobody’s seen hide nor hair of, suddenly turning up overnight and wanting to take over everything? thats textbook suspicious. and like sure they probably wouldnt know tyler but its weird they never seemed interested in like, even hearing him out that he mightve been close to john and ought to be involved. like it COULD all just be a misunderstanding between two distrustful parties but still

i mean its nice to know mary grace was getting better care it sounds like, but thats not exactly proof that all their intentions were good. i mean, the k3 thing was like, did you care abt what john wouldve wanted at all? coz he seems to have cared abt that land a lot. and definitely not cared for k3. and they werent ever much sympathetic abt the question of if john wanted tyler to have money. oh, and i hated her calling john’s suicide selfish, but i know unfortunately a lot of ppl do that and i hate whoever does it lol. but like one thing i couldnt get over was her wanting his freakin nipple rings. im like? for Sentimental Value???? you want his body’s nipple rings?????!!!!!!! which later when it was revealed that was probably this queerass sexual thing was just this whole other layer of ghjfhsvvgh

lorddd

the other suspicious thing on that end was johns list of contacts. that not everybody had been contacted. like, wtf happened there. maybe not some paid off conspiracy, but? still a pretty fuckin straightforward task that was ridiculously bungled

Aanyway lord the mercury poisoning angle at the end i was like !!!! fuck is this the new thread now!! cuz it had kind of been mentioned before yknow, the firegilding or whatever, and now he’s doing that all the time suddenly w/o protection or ventilation and im like holy shit. this guy is maybe one of the only people in the world who’s doing this and just poisoning himself via this ancient art, for this fuckin genius he has for clock repair. which is so specialized, like, this dude is probably one of the best in the world. but he’s doing his own thing and that doesnt involve not inhaling mercury. and the fact that he made his own cyanide which was also something used for the clocks, i’m like, these Parallels. this irony. how is this real

i honestly dont know about the gold!!! like, i really feel like he had some, for starters, but the fact people werent even sure if he was a millionaire or he was broke is wild. i was suspicious abt those gates in the crawlspaces, idk what they were for even if not treasure hunts. the maze just feels like so obvious, and the theory abt the doghouse too….and saying there mightve been gold in the freezer that was taken….man. i am not sure what to think. or if he left like honest treasure hunt clues or if it was just buried scattered around w no trail to follow. man. hearing that come up, like maybe this guy has a secret hidden treasure with clues? im like this is so unreal. but i could believe he really did