#i dont think my mum even knows most of the time when im upset. i just say im ok bc well. shes one of the reasons im like this

[kavehater]

AURGHH I KEEP FLASHBACKING TO THE AWKWARD SITUATION TODAY

[etherealspacejelly]

my parents dont get my autism or my transness or my aroaceness

they dont get that im not trying to be rude or selfish or whatever but they think i am

they dont get dysphoria

they keep asking me if i have crushes or a boyfreind

they dont get that if the foods bad ill refuse to eat it

they dont get sensory issues or food issues

they dont get that the internet is a safer place to talk about my emotions than they ever will be

they dont get how much effort i put into trying to be normal for them

they dont get anthing

they keep trying to force me to spend time with them playing board/card games which i hate and they know i hate

they keep messing up my pronouns

one of my dads "insprational" speeches was your not flat, you'll never be flat so give up.

when i first came out my mum said "why cant you just be a lesbian instead of nonbinary or whatever?"

they say i cant call myself trans bc i don't want to be a boy

they dont get how much periods suck even tho they dont hurt

theres probably more but i cant remember it rn

any advice would be helpful

maybe ill run away and live somewhere better for me but i can think of a place

hey anon. unfortunately im not sure how to help you with the autism or aroace stuff myself, even though i am aroace and autistic my mum doesnt really understand either of those and i havent been able to reach that point yet. we have just taken to not talking about it, which is much easier now that i have moved out.

however! i do have something for you that might help! i made a powerpoint about transness for my mum that did help to convince her that being trans is a real and valid thing to be.

i cant link to it on here because it would reveal my full name publicly but you can just make your own! i included facts about the percentage of trans kids that experience anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts, and how gender affirming care significantly lowers those numbers. all of this was taken from the trevor project website!

i also included some stuff about transgender people across history and in different cultures.

i finished it off with a slide about the transgender genocide currently taking place in america and spreading to the UK.

you could make versions of these for autism and aspec people too!

im very sorry that you are experiencing so much invalidation and misunderstanding from your family, i understand how that feels. i hope this technique can help you to teach them a bit about your identities. most of the time when people say mean things about an identity, it is simply because they are misinformed. getting angry and upset is perfectly understandable, but it may make them feel even more antagonised and justified in their bigotry. explaining things to them calmly and simply, with graphs, diagrams, and real data can work wonders.

good luck!

[themediummultiverseau]

Sorry I put the question in the wrong place before. What were the ghosts favorite holiday when they were alive?

(pretty sure you put it in the right place before! dont worry haha)

dream - i never really paid much attention to holidays, but there were some people in the village celebrated something they called "Litha," id see them light bonfires and dance, flowers woven into hair or fur, and i just remembered they looked so pretty and like they were actually having fun, but i dared not join in, not after my brothers death...

Dust - New years, i always saw it as a time to improve myself....make a new start and leave it all behind. Of course, that never happened, im such a failure, i could never improve

Killer - i was never raised very religious, but mum was, so i guess Eid ul-Fitr. We always had great sweets and i remember putting up pretty decorations, it always looked pretty and i just remember it being like, so cool

Horror - Christmas, spending time with my family and cooking a huge meal for them all to enjoy? Right up my alley! I always hosted, pretty much every year, and seeing the joy on my siblings face at the food that was so limited dressed up to be a meal fit for a king... It was just perfect!

Nightmare - I was always fond of All Hallows Eve. Once, i dressed myself up to be seen as a demonic spirit to scare some villagers scream, i can still see the look on their faces all these years later, and i could help those who were kind to me when they came to my door for offerings, of course, i couldnt let them know thats what i was doing. I did always enjoyed apple bobbing too... That always upset mother haha, something about it "disgracing our souls," never cared much myself honestly.

Ink - oh, huh? Holidays? uhhh, i dont know... Oh! Guy Fawks - Bonfire Night! I always made the guy to put on the bonfire, and fireworks are pretty too! Great to paint, and pretty simple haha! (Nightmare looks on in horror)

Error - Bah humbug - (Its christmas; he likes spending time with family, even if he doesnt want to admit it)

Geno - oh, i always liked boxing day, christmas was always so hectic, and the next day you got to just sit around and eat leftovers! I liked halloween too, we always went to the graveyard and lit candles for the graves, i always liked doing that.

Cross - ...Would it be silly to say St. George's Day? I grew up on those stories, and wanted to be like him when i grew up, a strong and noble soldier...

Lust - Valentines..... ( he used to give out wild flowers he picked to people on the streets as gifts, but he never found anyone who'd give one back...now he never will.)

Sans - not a ghost, but i think you can guess... (its april fools)

I really wanted to put a variety of holidays in here, but i myself am pagan and brought up in a mostly christian country, so if i messed up with anything, im sorry, it was not my intention - also, i put a bunch of holidays that are only celebrated over here in the uk, i didnt really think about it, and now there here - this au is mostly based on british history, because thats what im familiar with, and most of my historical knowledge is just from my own head, but theyre not really british, they live in some weird world that doesnt really exist so idk, think what you will haha

ii was not sure what i wanted to draw here, and it ended up being nothing - but theres a change i might add some at a later date)

Thank you for your support decadentroadmakerturtle, it means the world! :)

[aw-tysm]

i see people talk about "low support needs" autistics all the time but ive never seen any actual agreement on who falls under that category and im not really comfortable with how willing everyone is to assign that label to strangers on the internet.

ive had a lot of people tell me im obviously low support needs because im not diagnosed, but the reason im not diagnosed is because of medical discrimination. my results were "an autism diagnosis would be applicable for how you scored but we think you lied about your symptoms so we arent diagnosing you."

and ive had people argue that im obviously low support needs because i dont have a caregiver but i dont have a caregiver because im not diagnosed because of medical discrimination? i am still totally reliant on my loved ones for survival. i just dont have an actual official caregiver because i am being severely medically neglected.

it just feels like the conversation around autism is being dominated exclusively by heavily medicalized autistic people and that scares me because some of the most vulnerable autistic people are those who never get diagnosed because of medical discrimination.

and like. the way everyone talks about masking makes me uncomfortable because everyone acts like they all know what "masking" is but everything i hear about it makes me more confused and upset. people keep talking about it like its some special ability that makes you less vulnerable and that makes me feel like i cant possibly be masking then because i am not less vulnerable.

i just. i have brain damage and supposedly "mid/high" support needs autistics on here keep literally calling me retarded because i dont agree with them calling me "low support needs" and so im just. wary of treating these labels as gospel.

it feels like there is literally no room in the autism community for those of us who are anti-psych because of trauma with the medical system. i dont even want a diagnosis anymore, theyre going to use it to strip away my autonomy even more. and that makes me too scared to feel safe around other autistic people.

i want to keep following you but im starting to not feel safe because you say a lot of the same things as the people who mock me for not wanting to be called "low support needs" when im. literally not?

I'm not sure how to answer this ask or even if I should answer this ask. But I'll answer it anyways.

Support needs and levels (depending where you are) for autism specifically, are usually determined by professionals. Not from the individual. There is no set standard across the globe for diagnosing these and it is one of the things a lot of us autistics find very frustrating. These can fluctuate over your life time but not on a daily basis. In the sense that general support needs for everyone can fluctuate on a daily basis, but autism support needs/levels aren't based on that.

I do know that you can use support need labels for other disabilities too. But that's not something I'm too knowledgable on to speak on.

Masking is essentially just your ability to fit in, to camouflage, to appear socially appropriate. It usually invloves holding back stimming, using scripting for conversations, trying to make eye contact, matching facial and body expressions, matching tone of voice appropriately to the conversation, trying to match emotions appropriately to the situation like laughing when others laugh. It's literally about appearing socially appropriate whilst holding back the things we naturally do that aren't considered "appropriate".

A caregiver does not have to be someone that is paid to care for you. A caregiver in a lot of cases can also just be a loved one like a parent. For example, my mum takes me to my appointments, she drives me other places like shops or outings, she speaks up on my behalf when I can't speak or when I don't unerstand things, she is an authority on all my accounts so she can deal with the parts I find difficult, she helps me fill out forms, etc.. She is considered a caregiver and does not get paid for it. So I'm not quite sure what you're talking about there.

You mention that you have brain damage? Is that diagnosed? Brain damage can look a lot like autism but not be autism. Sometimes autism can be misdiagnosed when it's actually brain damage (have a person in my life who has this issue currently). And sure you can have both. But I mention it, because if the kind you have has the ability to mimic autism symptoms and you're already diagnosed with that, can you not get help with some of that at least? This also is included in support needs for disability too? Bcus it's still a disability? I'm not entirely sure on how the processes work around that so my questions here are genuine.

A lot of the autism community is dominated by the voices of lower support needs autistics. The kind of autistics who don't believe autism is a disorder, that it's only a difference. Who think that only societal accommodations are what we need. Who don't believe in severity. Who want to de-medicalise autism. Who are heavily spreading around misinformation. Who are literally biting themselves in their own butts due to this.

And then higher support needs autistics have to step up to try and set things right. A lot of us aren't one model over the others (like social vs medical). A lot of us believe many models need to work together in tandem to help autistics get the best kinds of supports and treatments we need. But we still need the medical model in this. We can't scrap one model over another.

A lot of higher support needs autistics are CONSTANTLY fighting for lower support needs autistics. Who are constantly saying that they ALSO NEED help and support. That they deserve to have that help and support. They're constantly reminding lower support needs autistics that they will still have struggles and that's okay. But it is so important to also acknowledge that there is a spectrum and there is severity in the spectrum where some autistics will need far more support and to a greater extent than other autistics (for autism alone even), and that's also okay.

You say that the conversation around autism is "dominated by heavily medicalized autistic people". But it's not? What you're seeing is autistics trying to speak up for ourselves because there's a big portion of the community that is causing more harm than good.

And heavily medicalised autistics? Are you referring to those who didn't have a choice in diagnosis? Those of us who had no choice but to get diagnosis because if we didn't we'd be far worse off? Those of us who are forced to give up some of our autonomy or rights due to the accommodations and supports a diagnosis gives far outweighing the cons of diagnosis?

And this isn't to invalidate those who are really struggling to get diagnosis. That is a whole thing a lot of us want fixed as well. A lot of us want easier and cheaper access to diagnosis. Easier and cheaper access to accommodations and support. We want standardised testing across the world and we want professionals to be up to date and properly trained. Most of us acknolwedge that these things are a big problem.

And if this ask is more in reference from that post I made about masking? I like to make note of struggles that lower support needs autistics can also face. As it is so incredibly important to know that they are still seen, that their struggles are valid, and that there's nothing wrong with them just because some online autistics are trying to push them out of their level/support needs.

I'm literally not claiming the support needs or levels of others? Or at least I don't think I am? So I'm not even sure what this ask is about. All I want is for others to know that they're not broken or invisible and that there struggles are valid even within the support needs/levels they have. That's literally not a bad thing?

I hope this makes sense. I know sometimes I can get all my thoughts muddled up or I might not say something the way I mean.

[wawawawawawawawawawawawawa]

dont have aspd but i like never had emotional empathy growing up (yay mix of autism and childhood situations that caused me to unlearn/block off emotional empathy) and i've never felt remorse and i only get small twinges of guilt i can easily brush aside, but i watched drrr at age 17 and showed it to my family and having all of em be like "yo ur just like izaya" (my mum was like "yeah if i hadnt been super careful how i raised u, 100% u would've turned out worse than izaya" which. uh considering before izaya the chara i related most to was azula from atla. fun to hear). and it me caused me to be like "oh shit maybe i should like learn empathy". i didnt realise i had cognitive empathy or that it was even a thing so i spent a few years teaching myself emotional empathy and man it suuuucks. worst decision i ever made. now i spend time being like upset for other ppl? when i used to just, be able to intellectually understand things sucked for them and help em out w/o feeling anything and so i wasnt emotionally bothered/drained afterwards. whereas now i like, spend time crying over other ppl? exhausting and terrible. it hasnt improved me as a person at all, im dont actually care abt things any more than i used to, and i think cognitive empathy is by far the most useful and practical out of the two. im not saying u shouldnt listen to ur therapist, i just kinda wanted to get that off my chest and not be judged?

WANNA MAKE CLEAR i am not judging u i just have always always always wanted to use this meme for as long as i have known of its existence

and what ur describing is literally exactly why i worry abt emotional empathy and feeling remorse like. maybe i'm fine existing this way. maybe i don't want to be fixed!! i get that itd make me more palatable and easier to get along with or whatever but i'm a person too!! what about me?? everyone will have conflict at some point; what about me makes it so that all chances of that need to be hammered down?? i'm a person too- what about what i feel is right for my own emotional state???

fun facts my fiance liked me partly because i reminded him of izaya. idk if you know enough of my blog to know my Lore but: he knew me for a day thru roleplaying and i wanted to know him outside of a rp context, and he was talking abt liking psychology. i then challenged him to diagnose me, yaknow As You Do, and in a Public Server he went "oh you have aspd, don't you?" totally innocently, he had no idea abt the stigma

i ofc denied it because i wanted him to like me and also was sixteen, but oddly enuf the aspd traits are (partly) Why He Liked Me??? not in a fetishistic way but just like, accepting that was part of my personality that doesnt need to be hammered out and like, not acting like Total Full Remission It's Like It Was Never Even There is the only end goal worth chasing like. maybe i dont wanna fully remiss maybe thats my choice and i have fuckin, command over my own god damned mind body and life!!!???

also fwiw: i dont know the rest of your symptoms but you having autism and the symptoms coming from trauma don't negate the possibility that it's aspd so id suggest looking into it more! even if a therapist said you didnt have it, they can be kinda..... stupid about aspd lmfao! don't look on quora and don't look on reddit nothing good lies behind those walls

[hoonvrs]

We fr like this babes🤞

I CANNOT live a day with the worry of an argument it stresses me out so much

Alr not to vent but ive seen most ppl have this friend that they just cant say no to. Like its IMPOSSIBLE.

I have a friend like that, shes legit my closest friend. I have this trauma from like 3 years ago, she randomly just some day went "i dont wanna be friends with you anymore, r***a gives you too much attention." The girl i just metioned, my closest friend and i are a trio (theyre literally my closest friends). Back on topic HOW TF IS IT MY FAULT SHE GIVES ME TOO MUCH ATTENTION. But i was too distracted by the fact she didnt wanna be friends anymore that I didnt even realize how logicless it was. We had been friends for about 4 years back then (7 now) and i was DEVASTATED. No thats an understatement.

I was so sad that I went to my mum and cried to her for an hour straight.

After that she lowkey became controlling. Whenever i did something she didnt like, shed block me unannounced and wouldnt even tell me what pissed her off. Her anger issues are off the boundaries till today. She gets mad at the littlest of things. When i dont do something she wants she goes on to persuade me by telling me shed tell a certain someone my secrets or block me everywhere etc.

But till this day i cant unfriend her because first of all, im too scared to. Shed get all annoyed and talk behind my back shit. Secondly, forget the first one I just CANT. Whenever i wanna think of unfriending her i just get reminded of all the fun times we had all these years and end up with tears.

Besides all that, youd be surprised to believe she has been one of my best friends ever. Nobody would believe me. But in reality i love her too much to let go if

(IM SO SORRY FOR THE RANT I WAS FEELIN A LIL EMOSH TODAY 😭😭😭)

-🌜

DW ABOUT THE RANT BAE IDM

i can’t relate in the sense that my bsfs and me are a trio too but honestly ur friend sounds so toxic

i get you guys have had good times that makes u hesitate but if she’s able to get prissy and block you over her own problems and insecurities it’s really not worth it bae. no one who loves you would put you in a position where you question theyre friendship and contemplate unfriending them

and if she chats shit let her😭 people are gonna talk behind ur back regardless and i don’t wanna be the instigator here but do u really think she’s quiet whenever she gets upset or jealous and blocks you? i just think the cons outfight the pros cause no amount of good times can cover the fact that she’s genuinely stressed you out over ur friendship js cause she doesn’t wanna grow up

PEOPLE WHO CAN TAKE NO ARE THE WORRSSTTT the amount of arguments and growth i’ve had to go through with my friends rn over the last 8 years i’ve known them is crazy🫠 but sometime people need to be confronted and if ANYBODYY can’t take criticism from their best friend trust me they’ll nvr change🫥

BUT you never know, idk how old you are but friend groups and bsfs either grown into each other or out of it, it’s just life and part of it. js trust that you will grow and learn from it just try and protect ur peace

anyways i hope i don’t come off aggressive or sumn😭 im an argumentative bitch who will start an argument with anyone so ik not everyone is like me but hopefully it all ends well for u bae🫂 u deserve better

[jarvis-cockhead]

i came out as trans last night to my mum thinking itd go a lot better than it did, i love her and she loves me and she cares about me immensely and im not upset with her but i no longer know how long it will be before i can live the life i want to live. 'i cant even cut my hair' i keep thinking. i wanted to cut my hair. haircuts are always scary for me and i wanted her to help me. she doesnt want me to do anything until ive had professional help. she doesnt want me to do anything permanent, full stop. she told me she doesnt see how it would help me and i know that she just doesnt really believe me. i knew she has concerns about the rise in trans people but i also knew shes not transphobic and i guess i thought maybe for her own child itd be different. i have no idea where shes got her information from because she currently believes that from what shes read there is no evidence of transitioning making people happier, which of course isnt true, a simple google search will show you papers and studies that say otherwise. she doesnt want me to cut my hair. i was always scared of my dads reaction because while hes also not generally transphobic, i knew hed be resistant and would find it difficult to come to terms with but after her reaction im completely terrified. my dad and i are very close, we run on the same unique frequency, and if something were to change that i dont know what ill do. i cant lose that. we arent telling him yet. he is the only thing in the entire world that makes me want to do nothing, because i cant lose him. i cant cut my hair on my own for fear of raising questions before he knows. i cant do it. i told my mum i love her for the first time in i dont know how many years. i cried until my head hurt. at some point when i was about 14/15 i remember telling her i hated my name and she told me i could change it if thats what i wanted. last night she told me she doesnt know if she could use different pronouns or a different name for me- not for a long while, anyway. i couldnt tell her my name. on top of all of this, she has a very understandable reason for why she also cant prioritise this situation, in relation to stress and her health, and i am not upset with her. the last thing i want to do is make her more ill. we're going to talk to her friend together who is very good at talking through issues. i have no idea when this will happen, im away at university most of my time now. for weeks and weeks and weeks when ive come home ive wanted to say something and now i almost wish i hadnt. i cant come home and be me. i cant come home and be me.

[krunchylegs]

vent; more so just note2self(tw: €d, b1ng€1ng)

i cant lie ive been having binges here and there, especially during the night, ive always had trouble sleeping even as a kid id stay up the entire night and watch the sunrise, and its leaked into my teen years and even now im 18 and i still stay up like every night, i know its possible for me to sleep earlier but i dont even know why but i just stay up and its causing me this issue of eating in the night and by that point i stop tracking my calories and i have no idea what ive been adding or eating and i forget what i even eat. its really starting to upset me, im making a post about it really as a diary entry, but i think i need to make the change and start going to bed at a reasonable time, its gonna help my mental and physical health so idek why i havent been doing it earlier but i cant let myself stay up any longer, it makes me even more tired which is really difficult when youre purposely trying to under eat plus i end up eating more than i intended anyway during the night. its so irritating bc if i realize ive went over what i want to go over after calculating all the calories ive eaten during the day then ill just burn it off with exercise (ik its not the best but its better than nothing) but it feels like im ruining my own effort by bingeing, like no i dont need sugary cereal, chocolate and more salmon on a ricecake, like i should just save that for the next day if i feel i really need it but idek why but i just cant help myself when im in the kitchen, especially if im alone, but im against purging (FOR MYSELF) because of the very negative side effects, i still want to have minerals and vitamins that my body needs bc thats where most of the problems from under eating come from.

but yeah, basically my plan now is to wait until morning (bc if i go to sleep now i wont wake up until the evening) and just walk around and try burn as many calories as i can with that alone and then come back home, have a nap, and then my mum will wake me up for church, i think that ill also stick to a cal limit of 600, i usually eat around 800 to 1000 but bc ive been eating in the night ill do 600 for a few days and go to sleep early and keep up my 12k steps everyday

[thorninyourpaw]

the new level of depression that unlocks a couple weeks into being 20 is definitely not my favourite i can’t even really cry about it it’s just this constant dull knife directly in the heart you can feel your heart trying to beat around it but the very act of your body trying to keep itself alive is just agony because every beat just guides the knife further in. it’s not even a particular sadness anymore it just feels like all my emotions have gone stale i feel everything and nothing at the same time i can’t enjoy myself every single action makes me feel nothing but guilt and i don’t even know why it keeps me awake at night even just messaging someone new keeps me awake for fucking days

every single night i think about when i messaged geoff snd i want to throw up because i feel like the most fucking annoying person on the face of the planet i want to rip my head off guilt over everything just consumes me guilt for everything i do guilt for everything i chose not to do it surrounds every single thing i do i’m so tired i’m so tired of being unable to be happy i’m tired of living in this house i can’t have peace quiet privacy medication time to just cry time to breathe space i dont have a door she used to deny me of any medication or therapy because she “thought i was fine” but now she says we’ll do it that i can have medication but she just keeps lying like she always does about everything and i’m not sure what hurts worse it’s too late anyway it’s too late to fucking try my body is mangled my brain is in pieces ive already euined everything my family is dying thinking and knowing that i’m useless ive seen so much fucking horror ive seen so much ive experienced so much anf i wanted none of it i just want to be happy i just want someone to love me but i need someone to take care of me and i know who i want and who i wanted and it’s just all fucking useless to even bother thinking about what life would be like because it wont happen im not worth the trouble worth the fucking fight worth all the fuccking bullshit i put everyone through i dont want anyone new but no one in my life would ever ever ever want to fucking deal with me like that because nothing is never enough but everything is always too much i cant deal with affection half the time it makes me want to fucking vomit but i need someone to want to just let me rest my head in their lap when i need it i need so much space but none at the same time i want attention but when im getting attention when i dont want it it makes me fucking sick in the stomach and makes me want to run away nobody wants to deal with that to deal with all this stupid fucking bullshit because its so fucking easy to throw myself off or get thrown off and i feel like a horrible fucking person because im just fucking impossible and i just make it miserable for everyone and things just keep getting worse and worse and one day i might not even be able to stand someone even complimenting me and i dont understand ehy it keeps getting worse and why my body goes against what my brain wants or my brain goes against what my body wants why can nothing work why can’t affection just make me happy why cant i just be normal why cant i just fucking be normal wnd have a normal life and have a family who likes me have a dad that doesnt just keep surveillance on me have a mum that’s truthful and doesn’t try to make me relapse that doesnt hurt me that didnt lock me in a garage with sick kittens dying in my arms becayse she refused to take them to a vet no matter how much i screamed and cried who doesnt confuse me so much that doesnt make me feel so upset and sad and confused and angry for loving her a mum that doesnt get angry at every tiny thing i do that just is a good mum why cant i have friends that want to see me and just have a picnic or just go to a beach ones that dont live hours away ones that will just be kind kaja broke my heart because she makes the prank tattoo into this weird branding thing when i just wanted to make both of us laugh she insults me and tries to freak me out she just wants to ridicule me

i dont understand why so many people just want to hurt me why im so deserving of it why nobody wants to be gentle and why i can’t just let someone be gentle without being terrified they’ll leave and it’ll all go wrong and they’ll start hurting me like so many other people i just want someone to say something other than “oh that sucks” or “oh im sorry” when i tell them something that hurts me i want people to react when i tell them about abuse about loss about what’s happened to me becayse no one reacts no one says a thing and it kills me i just want someone to think what ive been through is bad i want someone to just tell me how i feel is okay i want people to stop acting like its normal like its not even worth commenting on i want people to hurt for me instead of ignoring me and my emotions i want someone to really fucking care i just eant a normal life

[oceanforblues]

How it started

my father died when i was around 6 years old. we all lived in the same bulding.. kind of like a joint family. after my father died, people started to abuse my mom. she was distraught but also she was a working woman. you know how it was for women back in the day... she would go out to work and come home late and people would spread rumours like she was slutting around and hanging out with other men. the family would abuse me too. my cousins would sneak into my room and turn my tv off when id be watching tv. they would steal my toys. its like they made me a part of their family but at the same time treated me in a condescneding way. my mum ofc knew that because she was a grown woman. i didnt because i was a stupid kid. so i would always get upset with her that why would she get angry at my counsins because they were my friends. 

they would make fun of my weight all the time. their nickname for me would be “bidet” because my name is bushra. i dont know why i used to find tha funny back in the day. they would call me fat, they would make fat jokes around me like oh dont sit on the bed because you will break it. they would call me moti which means fatty. my uncle, their dad, would sexually harrass me actually. actually its really weird how many times i used to get touched as a child. my uncle would take my shirt off and roll me like dough on the floor. his wife wouldnt say anything but she would always look weird when she saw it. i didnt think much of it. they had a maid who used to work for them. she was also the first person who raped me. i woudl come home for lunch aroun 11am and around that time no one else would be around. so she would take me up to her bedroom, undress me, and she would do things with me that i feel like i shouldnt put in writing. i was 8. it felt weird when i saw her a few years ago when i went back home. 

oh, all of this happened while my mum was working. i guess she threw herself into her job after my dad died. which made sense. but she would focus on my brother more than me. her reasoning was that he never got his fathers love when i did so she needed to make sure he was loved more. which didnt make sense to me because he doesnt even remember father. i remember him. i remember his scent, his face, his memories, i remember the way he would hug me and hold me and how he would dance with me at night and sing with me and how he would do fun activities with me. wouldnt it make sense for her to care for me because ive been mourning him the most? she worked a lot because she wanted my brother to go to a private english school and not a boarding school like me.  my grandfather wouldnt allow it so she worked to pay for his tuition. she also paid for this math class i took, which honestly came in handy even now. but yeah. 

the other times i got harassed was when i went to my grammas place back in the villages. this one i remember so distinctively. it was some dude that worked for a neighbor. i remember he called me, took me upstairs to some corner and started to ask me some random questions while he slipped his hand under my shirt and felt me up. felt me up everywhere. i dont know why i didnt do anything. i never got touched like that before so i didnt know what to do. i just let him do it. all while my mum and my family was there with me. other times i got assaulted i guess would be the times some grown ass men would stare at me as i was walking to school, call me names, sing for some reason etc etc. i was unfamiliar with the concept of misogyny and sexual assault back in the day so i truly thought that was normal. i feel guilty at myself for not doing aynhting. i dont know why im crying now because it doesnt even affect me now. am i feeling bad for my past self? or am i actually grieving? 

but yeah. after my dad died all that stuff happened. after my grandfather died it got worse. he died around 2015 i think. he was basically my father bc he took care of me after my father died, when he saw that my mum was too busy focusing on my brother. he wasnt the best either i mean he treated my gramma like absolute garbage but he was nice to me. 

[frosnpls]

cw vent,, doin bad tonite lads

idk if i have PMDD or if it's the SAD or if it's the work stress or if it's the state of this country and the fact that I'm slowly losing hope of both living independently/being able to afford such as well as ever being able to ever begin to transition properly or just whatever the fuck but man im not having a good time

i keep thinking lately about how ive never been able to catch a break and like sometimes i feel like im blowing it out of proportion and that its not fair because i do actually lead a fairly privileged life but also like. i was literally bullied at the age of THREE by my nursery teacher because she mistook the clear signs of my neurodivergence as misbehaviour. i struggled through school because nobody noticed i was neurodivergent and the people who did didnt want to admit it. i developed body dysmorphia by the age of like 8 iirc. i was bullied throughout all of my childhood and struggled so badly because i didnt have any support in place because somehow nobody noticed the very clear signs of adhd and autism. i lost my teenage years to severe bullying which caused permanent trauma and then lost the four years of my life after finishing school to essentially becoming a carer for an abusive suicidal boyfriend and then spent months after his death blaming myself for "not doing enough" when i had literally become a recluse because i was afraid that if i went out he might need me and i wouldnt be available. this year was the first year i think ive ever actually felt Right because i felt like i had myself figured out and i was doing what i wanted and i felt free and i just. i think theres an element of grieving for probably like a good sixteen or so years of my life where i was consistently traumatised by something and had no chance to find myself as a person

i feel consistently selfish for it but i just want someone to see how much im struggling and acknowledge it yknow like. offer some help or take care of me for a bit. i dont understand why but im in this role of a protector and caretaker for others and whilst i want to look after people and i care so so deeply about the people i do look after id also like to be looked after occasionally, you know? like. the day my cat died my partner was there and i got out of bed and my mum gave me the news and i went downstairs and i held her and i went back to my room and got in bed and started crying and. my partner put their arm around me and said he was sorry and i just curled up into them and cried and i genuinely think its the most ive ever felt cared for in at least my working memory

when i was younger sometimes my dad would try to comfort me when i cried and when i tried to explain why i was crying he would say "oh, [deadname]" in this really sympathetic tone and i remember always hoping he would do it when i cried because it made me feel like someone was actually acknowledging how much i was hurting and there came a point where he stopped saying it and idr if it was just because i was getting older and it sounded condescending or if it was at the point where i started hiding from my parents when i was upset because i didnt want them to worry but there was a period of time where i would actually miss that exclamation every time i cried even though i wasnt coming to my dad for comfort

i want to ask for help and seek help and comfort and be vulnerable enough to let people know i need it but also theres people who rely on me and i worry that if i dont seem positive or up to it they might think they cant come to me and i want them to be able to come to me i really do. then also i feel like if i bring my hurt to others all im going to do is upset or inconvenience them and i dont want to do that

im just trapped because i dont want anyone to worry about me but also i kind of do and it makes me feel so selfish like why would anyone ever want people to worry about them but its just in that way that like. iwould maybe just like to be asked if im alright before ive expressed that im not. i would like someone to notice that im quieter than usual or that i dont seem as enthusiastic or upbeat as i do most of the time and ask how im feeling. even that makes me feel selfish though and i hate it because i know realistically that isnt selfish but equally any normal person would just seek out the comfort they need right?? but i cant because if i initiate it then it means im annoying someone or upsetting someone or taking up someone's valuable time

i dont understand how i can be both looking after others, taking time to check on them and make sure theyre alright, give advice and welcome people in if they need me, and then also at the same time feel like the world biggest dickhead if i even dare to think about asking for the same from someone. or refusing to take my own advice. i need a mental health break from work desperately and my partner keeps telling me this as well but i keep refusing because we had 4 staff members off sick this week and if i went off as well it would make things hard for them. i just cant,, prioritise myself

im tired of england and im tired of the world and im tired of having to figure out how im going to manage to exist in the way i want to one day and im tired of feeling selfish for desiring human contact and im tired of waking up before the sun's up and im tired of feeling sad and not understanding why and im just. im just tired

[early20sfailingplenty]

BIG EMOTIONAL HEAVY VENT

TW; implications of r*pe, unhappy home life, wishful thinking ie the sinclairs, bad parenting, emotional neglect i think???? 

part of why i cling to the sinclairs sm is bc i dont ever really feel LOVED in my life. mum always makes comments which make me feel bad (most recently, “you make really funny noises when you’re uncomfortable *mocks me for two minutes by making the same noises* it’s really cute” after she said, “the only reason it takes me ten minutes to do your hair but it takes you half an hour is because i dont stop when you say it hurts” or “your hair is really dry” and then tells me what to do about it and then gets pissy when i say i don’t want to and makes it out like i’m being lazy) and her partner straight up doesn’t care about me. i tried to show him something today i was proud of (my study desk layout) and he said, “this is a desk?” and just left and my brother (previously my nb sibling) doesn’t really care either and he suffers like i do and i just dont ever feel loved or needed or wanted in my home life. 

since i was 15 when i found out that i wasnt made under nice circumstances (you know what i mean) i’ve tried so so hard to be my best self every day so i can make up for how i was made but ive never felt like mum’s proud or like she loves me and today my brother, who’s at his dad’s, phoned up and mum wasn’t even really listening to him and kept eyerolling at me and it’s made me re-realise that she never should have had us and i feel sick and sad and like there’s no point to anything i do because she’s never gonna be proud or anything

and now i’m crying and i just think i cling to the sinclairs bc i truly wanna believe they’d love me for ME. i’d be in a terrible and tragic situation if i lived in ambrose, i know, but if i was very lucky maybe they’d love me or keep me around bc i can cook and clean and i’d be useful and idk i’m just upset and im stressed and i’m scared and i’m crying and i want

bo to say, “oh, darlin’, c’mere” and pull me into him so tightly that all i can do is rest my head in the crook of his neck and he kisses the top of my head and we just stand there like that

vincent to cup the back of my head and bend down to press our foreheads tightly together and make his “mmf” noise bc he can’t get close enough and neither can i

and for lester to cuddle with me and jonesy while we watch one of my favourite films and if i cry, he just sighs gently and tucks me into his side and cracks a joke to make me laugh

i’m just really upset and no one in my house really sees me, i can’t help feeling, and i have to wonder how much i contribute to this situation and if i make it worse than it is or if it IS actually like this bc im always questioning my thoughts and my actions and it is so tiring bc i’m never enough for myself or even for my parents no matter how hard i try. i told mum i only got 4 hours the night before last bc i was up late studying and she said, “you’re an adult, it’s your choice” and YEAH but like ???? that was a good opportunity to say something like being proud??? 

whether i do or don’t study, she’s never proud or if she is, she never says so i wonder why the fuck i bother but at the same time i bother bc i need to make a good future for myself or i’ll be stuck here in their house forever and nothing scares me more than the thought of becoming my mum. i used to admire her so much and i used to want to be her but nowadays whenever she’s like “you’re so much like me” or her partner tells me i’m like mum, i cringe and feel white hot jolts of fear and i can only think ‘please no’.

idk just since i was 15 ive been more and more aware of how much my mum shouldn’t have been a mum and it makes me feel like i ruined her life so i keep trying to be my best self to compensate but she never seems to notice

and i cant stop crying holy fuck okay that’s enough i just gotta post this, get it outta my hair, then i gotta finish up this stuff i’m working on and if i’m lucky i can go to bed early-ish (before midnight) - gotta be up at 530am for work tomorrow😩

[figula]

today -

1. annoyingly i have to pay £200+ in national insurance contributions this week, bc my profits were over 6k btwn 2020-21, and there’s no amount of creative accounting that can get them below that number lol. really annoying bc i didnt have to pay last year and im p sure they still were in 2019-20 as well. next year is gonna be a fucking nightmare w/ all the additional ch/ess money tbh. (like an extra £4000) i would be more annoyed + upset about this but after ana’s 6k extravaganza i dont think i have the right anymore hahahahah

2. yesterday i had the most awkward experience with a postman that im still thinking about. i had booked a collection, but i was expecting the woman we usually get, so i was already a bit confused when i opened the door to just see a ginger man in a hi-vis vest. and to make matters worse he just shouted at quite significant volume “BUENOS DIAS!!!!” and i was literally just so baffled that i said nothing, not even like “haha hello”, stood absolutely silently while staring at him, and we both just sort of stared at each other in excrutiating silence until he went, “er, collection?” at which point i realised what was going on and recovered my faculties somewhat. i just cannot overestimate the bafflement i felt at being shouted at “BUENOS DIAS!” upon opening my door

3. im feeling a bit “argh” about cancer again, ive got some very mild pain that comes and goes in my left boob, but it’s the week before my period so like... yea... not exactly a shocker. (cant feel any lumps either) i really need to send back the forms about the genetic predisposition to breast cancer that i may well have (everyone on my mum’s side gets it) but there is this really unhelpful mental block that i have about it. im really frightened to step any further into the cancer world. and it’s genuinely so silly, because of hereditary cancers, breast cancer is one of the better ones to have. like i would be happy to get a mastectomy at some point, i would be happy to get an oophorectomy at some point, i would be happy to get yearly mamograms, i would be happy to be vigilant, and all this shit means that unless i got incredibly unlucky i should be ok. like my mum has had breast cancer twice, both times caught really early bc of her gung-ho approach to it, and is now in her 60s and still (that we know of) cancer free, never needed chemo or anything like that. so like - it doesnt have to be a death sentence. and i KNOW that! but there is just this terror of engaging w/ it :/

i’ve actually filled the forms out apart from one section - my weight - which is another massive mental block. i think genuinely im just gonna make up a number. but yea all i need to do is scan them / send a copy to my doctor / and send them back to the genetics unit in birmingham. and that’s IT. and then they decide what they should do w/ me. id be astonished if they didnt think yearly mammograms were appropriate tho - altho idk if they do them this young, i think my mum started at like 40

[mycptsdrecovery]

TW for abuse, mental health crisis, unreality, mental hospital mention

hi im a 19 year old and still living with my parents. ive been trying to move out since august and i planned to move out by december. in late december i was not having much luck with housing and i started having memories of not so great things my parents did to me throughout the years play in my head. i rly have no idea how to explain this confusing clusterfuck of a situation in just a tumblr ask but basically i want to know if the things my parents did count as sexual abuse.

from a young age my parents didnt respect my boundaries. my parents often touched my butt (it sounds so stupid calling it that idk what else to put) in seemingly nonsexual or accidental ways, but they didnt stop as i grew older. i remember the first time that i realised i was being sexually abused (thats how i thought about it at the time, idk). i dont remember what my dad did specifically but i was 8 years old-ish, i started puberty around then because my body hates me. it was probably to do with my butt/waist/ things and my dad touching them. we were about to go in a shuttle to the airport, it was like 2am. i remember i stayed silent through whatever happened but at some point during or after i remember bursting into tears and like... thinking to myself that my dad is sexually abusing me (i dont remember where i learnt what that is) and my dad asking me what was wrong but i refused to talk because i was scared. moments like these where my dad touched me in a way that didnt feel normal and i burst into tears happened multiple times. ive felt very uncomfortable around my dad for most of my life at this point. hes the kind of dad who doesnt talk about anything hes thinking or feeling, doesnt talk much at all or have many friends. we have rarely had conversations past surface level talk thats appropriate for strangers or acquaintances so i have never known whats in his head and whenever ive tried to get him to talk with me about something serious he shuts down and leaves. hes very neglectful emotionally, though he used to sometimes fulfil his emotional duties as a parent when i was a very young child according to my mum but he stopped at some point. for a really long time ive been afraid that my dad was sexualising me in his head or sexually attracted to me. ive grown up having nightmares about my parents raping me.

here are some of the things i remember my parents doing. some memories are not easily accessable and some have not been processed as an adult.

TW

-both my parent regularly touched my butt in a variety of contexts. i never confronted my dad about it because i knew he wouldnt answer me. i have learned to only hug my parents in a specific way so that my arm is always under their arms so i can stop them from putting their hands too low.

-my dad used to put his hand on my waist and hips/lower back. he was basically doing the kind of casual touch that you would do with someone ur in a sexual relationship with. he doesnt anymore because i have stopped allowing him to spend much time with me.

-my parents, mostly my mum have touched my breasts very lightly and casually. it could be seen as accidental but my mum has never responded to my frequent requests to stop touching me like this.

-my mum showed me her vagina once as... sex ed? i have no idea if this is normal which is kinda how i feel about most of the ?sexually? themed things my parents have done.

-my mum has always commented on my body in ways that made me very uncomfortable, such as often commenting on how i would be sexually harassed because of the outfit im wearing, even the necklace im wearing.

-my mum gave me several moderately detailed accounts of sexual assaults that hve happened to her, like for instance when i was around 6-9? she used a story of a sexual assault that happened to her while in a pool to say that i be afraid in public pools. the amount of detail was very unnecessary.

-one time my mum was telling me about how boys pinch girls buttcheeks to tell them they think theyre 'sexy'. then she pinched my buttcheeks a bunch of times even though i didnt want her to. im sure she did this many times and i was literally like 5 years old or something.

-my mum talked to my sister while i was in earshot about... how she would be ok with it if i married my 1st cousin? and she named him specifically. it made me feel rly weird around him.

-again my dad has always just given me huge predator vibes and ive always been super afraid of him.

this list is definitely incomplete but i dont remember anything penetrative or to do with anyone touching my genitals.

i tried to tell someone about the "sexual abuse" twice when i was 13, both during mental ward stays about 9 or 10 months apart. the first time is completely blacked out from my memory and the second one... they told the police. my dad was questioned and nothing happened because i never wanted anyone except the nurse who i told to know and refused to tell anyone any details. i just wanted to get a weight off my shoulders. instead i got a 3 or so year long period of my mum emotionally abusing me to a degree she never had. i was almost completely convinced that i had never been sexually abused. i still dont know if its true or not. the specific term my mum used was that i "mis-interpreted" my parents actions as sexual abuse. i didnt push back, i was too terrified of her and i just dissociated to cope with those years. i was very very isolated from anyone except my mum. i wanted desperately to be a young child again and felt like one most of the time. before 6 years old was the only period where i felt like my parents actually liked me.

when i was around 15 i started sexually getting involved with older men online. i wasnt attracted to them, i didntdesire them, i just was so traumatised from... whatevrr u want to call the way my parents treated me but i didnt feel that i had the right to be. i felt like i needed to get some "real" trauma and i dont want to say what i did but im lucky that none of these men ended up meeting up with me irl at least. the fucked up thing is that though it did traumatise me, i kind of felt better because i wanted something i could feel justified in being upset about.

now im 19 and my brain is hitting me with all these memories. i havent felt safe with my parents for most of my life. theyre neglectful and emotionally abusive towards me. they abused all my other siblings physically quite a lot and two of them have moved to different countries so that they can not live in the same place they grew up in. 2 out of 3 of my siblings have completely cut ties with my parents for years now. when i was 11 i recoeved an email from my brother telling me about our parents not being safe people.

ive started to consider the possibility of the constant violation of my boundaries counting as sexual abuse. i have a lot of sexual trauma symptoms and i have for a very long time. i grew up afraid that my dad was going to rape me. i think i was abused by my mum into associating holding my parents accountable with the punishment she put me through after she found out i reported them. i just want to know if im allowed to be upset about this. im terrified that this is normal, because if its normal that means i was a gross freak as a kid who just "mis-interpreted" these actions to be sexual abuse. i need to make sense of my reality somehow. im so confused.

you absolutely have the right to be upset by this. what they did to you was not okay. an adult touching a child intentionally in inappropriate areas is molestation, even if they played it off as not a big deal. many of the things you mentioned also sound like grooming which is often a part of childhood sexual abuse. i’m so sorry these things happened to you. i hope you are safe and can find a way to not be around your parents.

[lovebug5151]

Family Bonding (With a hint of Angst) Robodad Grian Au

(Yes, unless y'all have better ideas for the name of this Au, this is what i’m going with lmao. If you do have any, go ahead and say em! If i like it and it fits, ill rename it and say it was your idea in the next chapter.)

So this is about 2040 words, and i’m quite happy with it. I don’t think I made this one as sad as the first one, but im not sure. I actually have a story line for up to ch 5 of this story, and I hope that this is one of the last true sad chapters (Though I might spice some things up, dont want things too happy, do ya :D

This is also about a week or so after the events of the first chapter.

Grian sat on top of his mansion, just watching and listening to the wind, breathing in, and out. He needed to clear his head. Earlier Mumbo had made a offhand comment about how Grumbots heart was missing, and ‘maybe it fell into the ocean’ before laughing. 

While Grian knew Mumbo didn’t have the same background as he did with considering Aware AI’s ‘just robots’, he had called Grumbot son, even if it was awkwardly. It hurt Grian, to know that Mumbo might hurt Grumbot, even unintentionally, if he did see him. And Jrumbot… he was just a child, his dad saying hurtful things would hurt him so much more.

Grian had to quickly finish up what he was doing, and rush back to his base to breath. He couldn’t work beside Mumbo at the moment, couldn’t explain how Mumbo had hurt him, and so had run off. 

Grian leaned forward slightly to look down. It was a far drop. Grian had never truly been afraid of heights, he loved climbing high in the air. 

It was joked that it was because he was short, that he liked to be tall, but he just liked feeling the wind rush around him, and the feeling of falling and pulling up right before hitting the ground. It was elating, and whenever he was feeling bad he just took a leap off a roof and fell, before swooping up using his elytra. 

He wondered if Grumbot would like flying, he could fix up some Jet boots for him, maybe mechanical wings? Yeah, he’ll make some wings for Grumbot and if he liked them, maybe some for himself. He liked the idea of being able to mostly hover in one place. 

He let out a breath and looked at the sun. It was nearing lunch, and if he didn’t come inside Grumbot would come looking for him. 

Grian swooped down, landing in front of the door, before heading inside. 

--------

Grumbot hummed as he finished cooking some steak. He and Jrumbot were able to eat regular food, and no one knew how, but neither Grumbot or Grian really wanted to question it so they let it be.

He put the steak on plates and turned around just as his Dad walked in. He smiled and said hi to him while bringing the plates to the table. Jrumbot was already there and they sat on chairs to eat.

It was quiet for a moment before Grian yawned. “Have you two ever wanted to fly?” 

Grumbot looked at him weirdly for a second before nodding. “Yeah, kinda, but I'm way too heavy for an elytra.”

Jrumbot paused with his steak halfway in his mouth

“If fould fe fun fu fly” He said, still chewing his food. 

Grian sighed slightly and smiled at Jrumbot 

“Jrumbot, dont talk with your mouth full.”

Jrumbot finished his mouthful and squirmed slightly. “Sorry.”

“|Its alright. Its just something to that we dont make a mess okay?” Grian told him.

“Okay.” Jrumbot muttered, before continuing “But yeah! It would be so fun to fly!”

Grian smiled “I have an idea then, but let's finish eating, yeah?” Both of them nodded at him before starting to eat their steak again.

After dinner, Jrumbot went to go mess with some of the blocks Grian had given him, and Grian and Grumbot went down to the Lab. They called it a Lab, but it was just a basement with too many tech pieces in it.

Grumbot sat down in a chair before waiting for Grian to talk, while Grian went over to look at something on a table.

“Dad,” Grumbot started, when it was obvious Grian wasn't gonna start talking “What was with the questions about flying?”

Grian glanced back at him. “Not much, I was just thinking about something. You both know how you're too heavy for elytras, but I was thinking, if we remade some of your body into lighter but still strong metals, and used,” His talking stopped as he walked towards a wall. Grumbot was confused until suddenly a Shulker Box opened.

Grumbot stared for a second before laughing. “How did i not know that was there?” He got out between giggles.

Grian smiled at him. “I havent opened it around you, and you haven't snooped. I'm not surprised you haven't found it. I keep my old ideas in there, old blueprints, old mechanical pieces I just couldn't throw away, those sort of things.” Grian started unrolling a big piece of paper “And I remembered I had a blueprint of these old things.”

Grumbot stood up to look at the paper, and after taking a moment to understand it, froze with excitement. He glances up at Grian with a giant smile, and Grian smiled back.

---------

Grian let out a oof as Grumbot collided with him. Grumbot was giggling uncontrollably, and Grian was happy that Grumbot was happy. Grumbot let go to look at the blueprint again and looked up with eyes so full of excitement that Grian felt excited too.

“Can we actually make these?” Grumbot asked, almost bouncing up and down.

Grian laughed and nodded. “Yeah, we'll have to test them out, but there's no reason we can't. It will take a while.” He warned Grumbot “And I will test out the wings first when we think they're ready.”

He saw Grumbot take a breath, to say something when Grian continued. “I haven't tested these designs yet. I would rather, if something goes wrong, to have me gone for a couple days respawning, and you safe, instead of you-” Grian couldn't even finish the sentence before he had to take a deep breath before the tears started coming. “Instead of you getting hurt.” He ended quietly, putting his hand on Grumbots shoulder. Grumbot looked down for a moment, before looking up at Grian with sadness. 

“I understand Dad, but please don't get hurt, Don’t d-die and have to respawn, I don't know what I'd tell Jrumbot.”

Grian looked at him and smiled sadly. “I wasn't planning on dying anytime soon kid. Let's start figuring out what we need to get for the wings, yeah?” Grumbot nodded excitedly, and bolted for the metals cabinet. Grian laughed as he followed along.

--------

Grian Yawned and stretched out his arms. They were all sitting in front of a fireplace, enjoying tea and Jrumbot was cuddling with Maui.

The good feeling couldn't last forever though, because eventually Jrumbot looked up and over at Grian. “Dad,” He started “Why haven't we seen Papa?”

Grian froze for a second before closing his eyes. He didnt wanna talk about this to them, he didn't want to hurt them.

“Dad?” Grumbot questioned, seeing his Dad freeze up and look on the verge of tears.

Grian sighed and rubbed his face. “Both of you come here.” He murmured finally, patting the couch he was sitting on either side of him.

Grumbot and Jrumbot quickly came over to sit beside him, and Grian put both his arms on their shoulders.

Grian took a deep breath. “You have not seen mumbo, and have not been able to explore outside of my mansion area, for a couple reasons. One of these is that I'm not too sure how mobs will react to you, and How you'd react with being hurt by a mob. The other,...” Grian took a deep breath, and closed his eyes, letting his chin drop to his chest. “The other,” Grian continued, “Is because I'm not too sure of how the other Hermits would react to you.” He finally looked up and saw both of them staring at him in confusion. Grian tried to explain. “I'm one of the only ones who have experience with actually aware AI’s, I believe, and when some people are scared of something, they decide that they should hurt it before it hurts them.” He took another deep breath and looked into Grumbot and Jrumbots eyes, one after the other. “I do not believe that many of the Hermits would react this way, but I don't know exactly how they would react, and I don't want them to hurt you, either unknowingly or not.”

He saw Grumbots eyes widen and Jrumbots eyes narrow slightly. “I understand that reasoning dad,” Jrumbot started “But why haven't we seen papa?”

Grian sighed again. “Do you two remember yesterday morning, when I came back early and stayed on the roof for a bit?” they both nodded and Grian continued. “I did that, because Mum- Papa, upset me with his words.” He said, before taking a pause. He didn't look at either of his boys, but rather the ceiling as he said “He made some not nice jokes about Grumbot. Both of you must know however,” Grian started saying immediately when they both froze “That Mumbo doesn't know much about Aware AI’s. He believed Grumbot was an unaware aware AI, and that he was killed when he broke down. He did not know you had actual feelings, instead of manufactured ones. Mumbo often has issues figuring out other people's emotions, and most of the time redstone doesn't have emotions. Mumbo doesn't know about you two, and you haven't seen him,” Grian was starting to slow as he tried to find the words he needed. “Because, Because I am afraid. He murmured quietly. I am afraid he will unwittingly hurt you with his words, and I didnt want that to happen before you were aware it could happen. I'm sorry I kept this from you, but I wasn't aware of how to say it, or if you were ready for it, and decided to let one of you bring the topic up.”

There was silence for a moment before both of his boys hugged him. “I understand Dad,” Grumbot murmured into his shirt. “You didn't want us to get hurt, but thank you for telling us now.” Jrumbot nodded in agreement and Grian let out a wet laugh. Sounding on the edge of tears he said “What did I ever do without you boys?”

Grumbot pulled away and giggled as he said “Forgot about eating dinner.”

Grian paused before letting out a loud laugh which made Grumbot and Jrumbot start giggling.

“I can't say you're wrong.” Grian laughed, running a hand through his hair.

Grian then yawned, and stood up to stretch. “However nice this bonding session has been.” Grian started, turning toward his boys. “I believe it is bedtime. No buts!” he smiled at them as he said that, both of them having opened their mouths to deny it. It is nighttime, and very dark, and both of you need sleep.”

“Will you read to me dad,” Jrumbot murmured, fidgeting on the couch.

Grian smiled at him. “Of course, you only need ask.” He smirked at Jrumbot before saying “However, the first one to get to your room gets to pick the book, and oh look, Grumbots already at the hallway-” Jrumbot shrieked out a laugh as a sudden race took place in the hallway, and Grian smiled as he tidied the place up, talking the mugs to the kitchen to wash tomorrow.

He then walked to the boys bedroom, to find Jrumbot pouting as Grumbot sat on his bed.

“What will the story be?” Grian asked them, and Grumbot smiled before saying, “what about the one about the Dragons saving the world?”

Jrumbot glanced up with wide eyes and Grian grinned. Even though Grumbot had obviously won, he had also chosen his brother's favorite book to read.

Grian walked over to the bookshelf and found the book, “A Warrior's Tail” before walking to Jrumbots bed. He started reading to them, and within the third chapter, they were both asleep. 

Grian smiled and leaned over both of them to kiss their foreheads, before whispering ‘night’ and leaving the room. He walked toward his own bedroom and climbed into bed. Grian looked at the ceiling and felt Maui joined him, purring as he curled up around Grians head. He reached up to scratch Maui under the chin, before yawning and turning off his lamp.

That talk was one he had been dreading, and it went over quite well. Grians last thought before sleeping was ‘Maybe I should introduce them to another Hermit.’

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For whatever reason, Autocorrect really hates all names. Anyways, I know who the Hermit is, But do any of you? I want to see who you think the hermit is!

Also, if you liked this story, please comment! I loved reading all of your comments on the last one! They helped me make this chapter as quick as possible! (I may also be procrastinating on other stories with a Grumbot Fix-it Fic but, oh well)

[steponmepinkjun]

FELIX BI ANON HERE AND I AM ABSOLUTELY ROLLING your reaction made me laugh way too hard omg. ok if you'd been a stay for a while it's an ongoing gag that every australian knows a guy who knows a guy who knows felix. we dont know if Half the shit is true or not (i have some... Very Interesting claims i've heard, but never directly from the people who knew him themselves... i do believe them tho, knowing him and his predebut pics lmAOOo) but like just abt every aussie stay knows someone at this point, so yeah it Is just your average tuesday here LMAO

abt me meeting him, it was when they came here to australia! i went to their concert and got vip tickets so we got to do the high-touch at the end, but it all happened so fast its kinda blurry. its like my brain just Cant Comprehend the beauty of those fine ass men up close so its just. a muddled blur. but it was hands down one of the best nights of my life, i managed to make our lixie laugh at the Dumbest joke known to man (dont ask im embarrassed) but its been two years and my soul hasnt returned to my body yet. that man's laugh? i want it tattooed inside my eardrums, please and thanks.

I DO NOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME REMEMBER HOW THEY SMELLED IM SORRY my nose is Very Bad i cannot smell things unless theyre like 2cm away from my nose and the whole arena kinda just smelled like sweat bc they set up the hi touch where the mosh pit was beforehand. i will give the insider stay knowledge tho that chris's cologne i believe is called eros or some shit? idr but ik its like $80 and according to the ppl whove sampled it, smells like "liquid heterosexuality." ill have to dig if u want me to find the exact cologne. ON THE OTHER HAND MINHO USES STRAIGHT UP FUCKING FEBREEZE which honestly just says plenty abt those two.

god i talk a lot i dont apologise tho bc theres more where that came from. anyway ur mum calling skz "our boys" is so precious and its hilarious that she roasts you like that LOL but pls. there are no bootleg felixs or chans to be found here. they were one of a kind, aussie blokes are... something else, in the most neutral sense of the word. either they're off the shits completely but its funny and theyre always down for a drink and a chat, or they WILL make you want to commit homicide but i suppose thats just men in general. they dont make men like chanlix no more and im upset abt it!! i aint living no fantasy i just went to [1] concert and my dumb ass bitch ass pea brain ass crusty motherfucker ass of a mind can barely remember. its tragic. im just waiting for them to come back for a take 2.

FIRST OF ALL BESTIE IF YOU DONT SPILL THOSE QUESTIONABLE LOCAL FELIX RUMORS...... like I need to know if any of my personal crackhead thoughts and impressions regarding The Felix™ are represented. Esp because I feel like every aussie bitch ever I ever encountered is the funniest bitch I ever met without even trying, like funny in a way I can't even put into words, yall just talk and I LIVE for it, I don't even need to know half of what the fuck yall talkin bout or get any of the references, I'm living from start to finish

Also I literally CRY thinking of Chan wearing Eros because I s2g at my last job I used to go downstairs to the men's cologne counter just to waste time and stare at the Resident Hot Lesbian and BRUHHHH...... All Versace scents are questionable cause they all smell like the morning after a Hot Girl Summer type excursion, that one night stand walk of shame didn't even make him wear a rubber type beat, you know? 😂 And Eros is very much That™ so like thinking of Chan wearing it is just like HOLD ON... WHEN DID THIS BECOME A WHORE HOUSE jduehajshdjajshdjsjsge 🤣 NO SHADE NO SHADE 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

The REAL shade of it all is that my motha even daring to make that comment is just... So pointed, because she KNOWS that even with the most busted, crusted, dusted, bootleg dreamworks DVD in a cracked jewel case type of knockoff counterfeit "if you squint real hard there's a resemblance I swear" type Bang Chan impersonator, the closest I could EVA get is thrown his discombobulated ass in the trunk of my car after giving him a throat-chop to discombobulate him, she KNOWS this, so it was RUUUUUUDE 😭😭😭

And but like I deadass live solely for the rare lil glimpse of the boys un-whitewashed..... It is my brains whole ass source of both dopamine and seratonin.......... they are obvi gorgeous literally any way but when you get to see their real skintones irl, melanin checked in and present, ugh it's just like (incomprehensible screeching) you know? They're literally perfect as is. I know it's a way more complicated issue than I could even begin to try to understand and I won't even attempt to speak on it, but sometimes I'm sad at how whitewashed they are in a lot of photos cause it's just like, you can't improve perfection, in my eyes at least, you know? Like the Cleo promos I just wanted to hurl a bottle of Lancome waterproof makeup remover like it was a molotov cocktail 😭 and the way they CLEARLY tried to contour Chan's nose to make it thinner n shit, oh bitch I was HEATED, I was like LEAVE HIS NOSE TF ALONE???? ITS LITERALLY PERFECT???? He doesn't need to have a thin crispy lil eurocentric button nose to be beautiful, god fuckin damn, leave that man be. They do look hellllllaaaaaaaaa pretty in every makeup look tho 😳 Ive been saying since my scene kid days, if men learned how to do makeup and have fun w it and respect it as an art form maybe they'd get more of the attention they want from women 🙊 OH and I absolutely fucking died when Felix was saying he wants to learn how to do makeup 🥺 my lil former makeup artist heart was JUMPIN, I was like BRUH I AM RIGHT HERE?????? I AM RIGHT HERE. RETURN MY CALLS SIR AND I WILL GIVE YOU WHOLE ASS TUTORIALS, DONT PLAY 😩 UGH I literally fantasize about doing some really avante garde makeup on Felix, his face is just so visually stunning but also dynamic, he has a perfect face for artistic, eccentric makeup looks, I would die to put him in some crazy early 2000's Galliano for Dior makeup looks. Or just anything where I could paint all his lil freckles like stars with the eye look reminiscent of clouds and the sky............ Since he did say "is anyone gonna have the whole universe in their eyes?" and then didn't wait for an answer 😪