#i dont want to go to school anymore because im tired and all my teachers give us 20 hours of homework. im sad

[iwakuraz]

it'll all be okay because there's only one more day left in the school week and after that it'll be the weekend. wait no what do you mean after the weekend I'll just have to go back to school? what do you mean the cycle of going to school and coming back home completely worn out is gonna continue?

[boyswillbedogz]

me: im not autistic

my parents: youre not autistic

my therapist: you talk too eloquently to be autistic.

also me:

"yeah i dont like ELA. no its easy and the teacher is really nice but the lights in her rokm are too bright."

"if i leave my room without my headphones the planet will explode"

"yeah i dont know how to express feeling sso i just started saying the name of the emotion."

"yeah when i get really upset i sob and slam my head against walls and cant talk idk whats up with that."

"i stopped going to the library because i read every single book about my favorite animals. all of them. also i dont use netflix anymore because ive seen every nature documentary. yeah all of them."

"i think the kids at school hate me but i cant say why. yeah i literally cannot tell."

"yeah. yeah all of my clothes are made of the same 3 materials and i have to go clothes shopping with my parents to feel the inside of every clothing item because if its different i wont wear it. also i hate when my clothes touch my skin."

"stuffed animals that are too fluffy get kicked off the bed i dont wanna touch them."

"yeah my hours on procreate over the summer are equivalent to a full time job. no i dont take commissions, i draw for fun."

"talking is physically exhausting and i basically dont exist outside of school hours to my friends because im so fucking tired. also sometimes i just cant talk if im too tired, or i get really quiet and deadpan even if im having a good time."

"yeah. yeah im really good at speeches and writing and performing but i just. cant fucking talk to people in non-structured conversations its horrible."

"yeah i have a bunch of all-consuming obsessions that, will like, eat my time. yeah i dont know, i just spend like all my time and money on this stuff."

"i wont eat like 90% of foods because the texture. also if im too tired i cant eat anything that isnt super bland"

"one time i ate literally nothing but campbell's chicken soup for two weeks and didnt eat for like two days because my mom stopped buying it."

"are you being sarcastic???"

"i wasnt being sarcastic."

"yeah no i dont want you to make my food. yeah i need it done in a super particular way and youre gonna do it wrong so i just do it myself."

[tacroyy]

more on education&work—lack of agency & denial of expression of children in education.

something else about education is that you really get used to not being heard. and, in a parallel way, you get used to not listening. people don't want to keep listening to you talk about how exhausting and underfunded and underresourced things are, and that is deeply fair of them to react that way, but also you keep having those feelings, because you are just constantly exhausted and underfunded and underresourced. but then, the kids are having those feelings too. you're making them do unchildlike things day in and day out and you hear it so much that you forget to listen to what you are constantly hearing. so a school district hears that its not supporting its teachers and students and staff so often that it stops listening. and everyone around teachers hears that teachers arent being resourced or funded and its such a constant hum they have to stop listening. and teachers hear that students are tired and dont want to work and hate school so much that they wont listen anymore. its this big cycle and something that's actually really nice is that... it does help to break it. when you listen to a kid they glow about it and try harder—but not in the way that makes them inauthentic! like today a kid who doesnt engage much shared a language thing when they "shouldn't" have (don't talk while teacher is talking etc) and they were so excited to share, so i engaged, so they loved it, so they engaged more, so they learned some stuff and had a good time. like... you dont quash the excitement and the interest, even if—especially if!—it is inconvenient.

districts and those that fund education should be able to do that too. educators can be so inconvenient—teachers really are the worst people; you have this group of cats who have created their own little realms where they are in charge and then you try to tell them what to do and act confused when they're like "bitch, and you are?" like yes. our educational structure sucks absolute ass, it sucks that we're putting One Adult In Charge like this, it's NOT a good system. but dont be SURPRISED by that, please. you (districts/governments/societies/funding structures) CREATED and/or SUSTAIN this structure for education, and then to be like "omg why do teachers get so offended" um because you don't ever make us work together for REAL. you just SUSTAIN the shitty individualistic adult-as-authority cycle. SO few can coteach (imagine........ having another qualified person, or multiple other qualified people in the room with you??????? mindbending) and if they do coteach they still have separate realms generally (like a sped teacher pushing into gen ed, or two teachers taking a difficult class and one "goes high" and the other "goes low"). just—to go back to my point. if you find something educators are EXCITED about, encourage them and listen!!!!!! even if they are yelling at the "wrong time." they're yelling for a reason. im yelling about how kids are getting really good at standing up for themselves. we should ENCOURAGE that. they can identify and put words onto things that older generations treated as taboo, like abuse and bullying and all forms of prejudice, racism and sexism and queerphobia and ableism— i mean, a kid once told me, word for word, that they were "having a mental health crisis." they used ALL of the right language. the kids are LISTENING to us. they are DOING IT BETTER THAN WE WERE.

and then teachers keep saying—why are the kids so DIFFERENT than they used to be? because kids are starting to want to take care of themselves, for once. they have learned how to say no. and it's wonderful. and it makes you change. and teachers are the rulers of their realms. and their realms cannot change according to the teacher-rulers. but the change is calling from inside the fucking classroom!!!!

breaking cycles is good. really listening is good. its overwhelming to not tune anything out. but if you tune things out, you dont break cycles.

[stargazer0001]

there is something deeply wrong with me but I dont know what it is

like bestie im not talented im traumatized. Im not wasting a gift im trying to keep myself from plunging a knife in my chest and bleeding out in my bed. Like void, please shut the fuck up.

but then when other people vent to me, even if I TRY to care, I just dont. Like im sorry. I want you to feel better. But wtf am I meant to do. Like sorrows, sorrows, but I cant even deal with my own emotions what makes you think I can help with yours???????? And then I TRY. I TRY to help knowing that I cant, I TRY to care even though I dont, I TRY to make it known that I want them to feel loved and cared for, but nothing works. And then I feel like a piece of shit who deserves to rot away in a corner for all eternity!!!

Oh and speaking of rotting away, SCHOOL. I can't pay attention. Like if its not interesting I just zone out and start questioning my reality. And then im like 'wtf are we doing now'. Its actual torture what. And when I TRY to pay attention and actually LEARN I literally just end up drawing on my paper or my mind starts to wander. BUT THEN THE FUCKING THINGS MY TEACHERS ARE SAYING MAKE NO SENSE!! LIKE GIRLIE HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO KNOW WHAT TO DO IF YOU DIDN'T TAKE ME THROUGH A THOROUGH STEP MY STEP PROCESS HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO THIS. And then I DONT SPEAK UP BECAUSE I WOULD RATHER HAVE MY HAND CHOPPED OFF THEN SPEAK TO A TEACHER. Like. Then, everyone else seems to immediately understand everything?? Some people talk back to teachers??? Some people WANT to talk to teachers??? Who are you and how. Oh and then my classmates??? Literally horrible. I want them to die. Thankfully i have a couple friends in my classes which makes it a bit more bearable, but NO KEENAN OR WHATEVER THE FUCK YOUR NAME IS, STOP DANCING AND SCREAMING, STOP BEING SO UNBEARABLE, STOP BEING A DICK. LIKE DUDE I BET YOU DONT EVEN GOT ONE. LITERALLY STOP BEING AN ASSHOLE. And its this one certain friend group who is actually the WORST. Like im TRYING to pay attention and then all of a sudden one of these kids starts yelling at another, stuff is thrown, and nothing gets done. BUT THEN THE TEACHERS DO NOTHING. THEY DONT CARE. BUT THEN WHEN SOMEBODY ELSE TALKS EVEN ONCE ITS IMMIDIATELY PRINCIPLES OFFICE???? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH EVERYONE IM ACTUALLY GOING INSANE SOMEBODY PLEASE JUST KILL ME.

oh and then out of school isn't even better at all. I just want to waste away in my room. Everything always hurts and I just want to be with friends but I know that nobody can or wants to hang out with a sad waste of oxygen like me. And then when im trying to go to bed I just hear the crashing of glass, my parents having a screaming match, and then my mom going back to drinking her sorrows away while my dad continues to try and sleep. Like please im so tired just let me go into my happy place and attempt to die in my sleep. And then whenever its even around 6:00 my mom immediately starts acting drunk even if she's had nothing so what the fuck is up with that. And then she tries to gaslight me into doing things??? Like at this point im immune. I dont even give any fucks anymore because I tried doing that and it just got me hurt. So why even care anymore. So what the fuck is the point in trying to live laugh love when I just wanna off myself. Like no. Die cry hate is my new motto at this point.

and then, to top it all off, if I try venting ANYTHING to the one person I know who understands, he just asks 'oh, is it your time of the month?'

like please just kill me at this point. Take me out of the hell called living. Im so close to just dying please help.

[fluffbeast7]

/a bit of a vent, ig

Hey guys, i need a bit of help with something I've been struggling lately- just want to put this out there in case one of you have a similar experience and might know what this is

Ever since the year started, I've been extremely sleepy, like, A LOT, im not sure if this is normal. (But it might be a phase or something) In the morning when i have school, i doze off almost every 5 minutes or less, i close my eyes and i keep still for a few seconds before waking up, there have been times where i was writing or doing work and then i wake up and my paper is a mess because my hand kept. Moving. ???

Its getting embarrassing 😭 my teachers definitely notice but none of them brought it up.

And let me point out- i used to suffer from insomnia when i was a kid, but i do not anymore! I do not struggle to fall asleep at all and i sleep early, i drink water and all that jazz. My parents also dont seem to take this seriously, which is understanding, because i guess its normal for teenagers to feel tired in the morning but, this has been bothering be for so long now and its messing me up (like, because of adhd and autism i already struggle with learning in class, it does not help if i literally cant keep my eyes open)

So, if someone relates to this or might understand what this could be, PLEASE tell me, i researched about it but every site i go tells me that this happens because of lack of sleep, and like I've said before, that is NOT the case. (Also, i straight up fall asleep while waiting for the bus or in the bus, not safe at all!)

[covenantofthedeep]

tw vent and also like mentions of sh? i guess

guys my parents really want to move to india bc my grandpa had a stroke and every time i think about it i feel like super hopeless and i was texting one of my close friends ab it earlier and she was like OMG I CANT BELIEVE UR LEAVING ME like try not to make this ab u for once.... like literally can i just vent .... i mean it's gonna be like the next school yera by then we aren't going to be together but like.

she's not good at comforting and stuff but i wish she would try and tmr im going to explain ot to her because i started like crying when trying to text her about it and i was like wtv. but i just KNOW shes going to be so annoying to talk to about it and honestly idrc anymore

ive also like always struggled with hurting myself ??? ???? and this was honestly jsut straw on camels back so ig i started cutting again???? and i cant tell if i wanna die or if im just really tired. like my mom is so not understanding about this she's like you should be lucky!!!!!!! it's like an adventure!!!! and i just know she's going to yell at me for being grouchy ab the move later and i think if she does i will just. die. i can't even think of a valid reason i don't want to move to india besides i wld miss my friends but isnt that reason enough. my whole ass life is here like. it doesn't help taht my mom doesnt believe in depression because she's a meditation teacher and "meditation will fix all" and so like i want! a therapist! or something! and like if i went to the doctors like im supposed to i could talk to her but my mom would be like u dont need a therapist u have me!!!! as if im not terrified of her

im so tired. if i got hit by a truck i would just wanna die

[backpacking---hikkikomori]

alrighty, so i was 9 think. the school day was ending, i even remember the sun going down. i was alone with my teacher until a odd woman id never seen before came in. she came in with whatever permission to take me, not sure in what medium, papers/documents? maybe. i cried when we left, so was my teacher. then i was in her car in the back, leaning a bit, really tired and bored. it was a drive all the way up to maine.

the big house was beautiful and near the water, but thats about where the beauty ended. this woman used to be my moms partner, though they seperated a short time after my grabdmother passed, i never met my grandparents either. so this woman is Paula, and she had a partner of her own at the house, dont remember her name but she slim and tall. always yelled at me,

that slim woman is the reason i came back to my mother petrified of showers and water in my face

i was showering just fine on my own (i think maybe) but she seemed like she had a horrible, anoyying job to do. stuck my face direct into the shower. i wasnt okay but she tried and i guess succeded in having me stay like that, like as if for my own. i flaided and scratched at her, but she threatend putting a bar of soup in my mouth if i didnt stop.

that was also the same time i slipped and fell tummy first on the side of the bathtub. id never gotten the wind knocked out of me before, so i thought i was dying.

and my siblings lived in the same house.

thatcher was my brother, he was nice i think, autistic like myself to, but somewhere on a different spectrum. didnt exactly seem interestd in anything, but content. didnt really talk.

my sister……..hunter. hunter hated my guts the second i came. and still did by the end, horribly so. she hated me because of paula, paula lied to her from the start, making her think my mom, her actual mom, didnt want her. i tried looking up to her, like a example, but she always was embarred to be around me, pushing me back into a feeling i didnt get at the time, just broke my heart, i was aware siblings loved eachother so i really blamed myself around her, and i was isolated even further. i stopped trying to please her a bit later, i didnt want to try anymore.

my room was the closet, my bed was a sort of sitting up camper bed. it was really narrow, but….i have to admit, i loved that one small window inside my room, i really liked just sitting there looking at the sky, and wishing to go home.

i was also forced to eat many foods at any quanity, it was vile, distgusting.

i was always yelled at, because i couldnt seem to do a single thing right, the whole year, i was isolated and taught i was a problem.

thats why i say sorry too much. its also the reason i flinch when mom even tries to hug me, how i get so frighted by any loud speaking because im in trouble,

i was used as a tool to hurt my own mother by that woman. i was used as a weapon.

used as a weapon on my own mom

its the main reason i wish to kill myself everyday.

i do not beleive in kind words and comments. i am a monster.

i am a monster

my mom tried everything in the book back then to come get me, nothing worked for a entire year. near the end of the year, my moms new-ish girlfriend was close to her grandfather. her grandfather was in the mafia.

that man, he gifted my mom enough money to come get me, without hesiation. i…..i owe that man. he's long sinced passed, and i even never met him either. but i owe him.

i came back home not as a child

but as a monster. and thats how its always been

[uygfiug]

Awww Im happy you liked the term of endearment <33

Anna my darling

Im okay!! Some incredible University related things are happening atm, which is exciting (potentially going to have a studio flat to myself basically for free which will mean uni is completely stress free money-wise, which is truly incredible and will make uni life survivable), and I have finished a maths AS Level (idk how to put this into generic terms but its between a level and gcse - A level being the qualification you get before uni)

So yeah, Im good!!

CAN I TELL YOU THIS THING I LEARNED ABOUT EGGS?!??

(Telling you anyway XD)

Sooooo I always wondered how eggs get fertalised, cause how does the sperm penetrate the shell, and I went to an online lecture that explained exactly that!!!

Sooo the sperm from the male chickens inseminates the yolk of the egg before the shell is made. Unlike in humans, where if multiple sperm meet the egg the egg will not progress to the next stage, multiple sperm are actually nescassary for the survival of the egg!! Only one sperm cell provides its genetic information, but others that enter are theorised to be important in stimulating the next stages of development. Other sperm that don't enter the yolk then form the outer lining of the wall of the yolk (literally the thing you pierce when you let the yolk run in a fried egg). As the egg then travels further down the hen, the albumen (the egg white) forms around the yolk, and the shell forms around that!! ITS SO INTERESTING!!!!!!!!!

Also snake eggs are soft and chicken eggs are hard because chicken eggs need to be harder to protect the embryo as it forms. also the lining of the shell regulates gas exchange and water intake in chicken eggs, which allows them to survive in both humid and dry environments! Whereas snakes tend to live in regions withh more constant climates, and so dont need this mechanism to cope with chnaging climates. Also chickens have been selectively bred to produce eggs even when they arent fertalised - they wouldnt do this naturally because it is an extreme waste of energy.

EGGS!!!!!!!!!

How are you? XDD

<3333333

!!!!! thats all so exciting!!!!!! a flat!!! sounds like a dream :)

yayy!!! egggssss (had an omelet for dinner so that fits very well)

ooooh thats all so interesting! i've been reading about insect reproduction lately, but i havent looked much into how eggs are formed, so i have to fix that soon :) (not rn though bc i am extremely tired)

i'm not doing great, exams start officially in 3 weeks and if i want to pass this year i need to do really well & im not looking forward to summer break simply because the small amount of friends i have will all be travelling while i stay behind :(

because of all this stress, my brain is also breaking a little bit & i cant remember anything anymore and also we have a maths teacher again :( which is not fun bc im too good at math & they always go way too slow for me, which means im stuck counting how many squares are on my graph paper or something to not go insane with boredom

BUT good news!!! just found out yesterday that i can go walk around the nearby swamp!!!! (i thought people werent allowed to go in)

and im hopefully almost done with school? just one more year after this :)

those are all the good thinsg i can think of rn, apologies, i am tired as previously mentined and at this poitn im typing with very blurry eyes which is NOT smart

anwaysss good night eli :)

[chlorinejello]

An email I won’t send to my english teacher:

i remember when you told me it was okay to vent in you mail. you have no idea how much i need this right now; i also remeber you said you wouldnt read it so if you do, please dont tell me you did.

how do we deal with emotions when were too ashamed to share them? i have a willing support system yes i keep choosing to stay quiet over talking about everything thats on my mind. i don't want to be an inconvenience, i don't want too be extra. because the truth is i feel like shit but maybe this is something everyone deals with and im being a pussy. then im just being pathetic in front of people for no reason, yknow? sounds crude but thats the way i feel. i had a dream last night i was staying at a beach house i went to with my family when i was little, everyone was there and my dad let my dog out through the front door. I yelled at him to let her back in becuase shed get lost, and he replied "We have to let her go." Then she just walked away; at the moment it made sense to me, so i walked back inside. Then I caught a sort of conciousness, I realized she was here, she wasnt real but she was here and I ran out after her. I ran as hard as i could, as hard as i knew she wouldve ran at the first chance to have a free space and i caught up to her by the shore. Some of my aunts were already there, they said something about me going after her "...again, like always."

She ran into the water with me trailing right behind her, i woke up before i got to the deep end. Nothing is the same when you lose a love that pure, that close to home. I lost her and I feel like I have no home; I come back to a house, and a bed that isn’t my own. My bed is always covered in fluffy white dog hair, especially the top left pillow where she sleeps. This bed smells clean, no trace of you anymore. Ive broken down twice today and made my poor boyfriend late to work because he knew i didnt want to be alone. He usually takes me to school, and this morning my mom left extra early, so i was home alone at the time. Worst part? Couldnt get the words out. I planned out how id vent and feel better but its the same everytime, im blocked off by the thought of my feelings being an inconvenience, or not important enough to vent and take someone elses time and energy because of. Im tired of carrying all this pain and guilt with me everywhere i go.

i run as fast as i can from my mind but i just keep running into myself, all the ways i fail myself and others, then have the gaul to sit and cry about it, to feel bad instead of becoming better. I feel and havent done enough for the ones around me to share my pain. But between you and me; yo extraño a mi cosita demasiado y pienso en ella todos los dias. Tengo miedo que sea debil, miedo de decir como me siento y que nadie entienda, que quede como inventora. Siento que para sentirme como me siento me debio haber pasado algo horrible, porque algo no puede acabar de abrir la puerta para que todo lo que tengo adentro salga? o algo horrible tal vez no me ayude, tal vez solo se añada al vaso de lagrimas que tengo en mi corazon. Porque mi dolor me ahoga si no creo que sea tan profundo para volverme loca? Porque si no siento que merezco llorar, sufro tanto? Si lo entendiera, cambiaría ? Dime si estoy perdiendo mi tiempo buscando una respuesta en vano, para si no me sirve, perder el tiempo dibujando en vez de.

[kath-artic]

moar

since im on the topic i wanna play around in this space a little more

growing up i was a very private person. sure, my best friends knew about problems at home and my struggles with mental health, but i never talked to them about the things i cared about or the people i liked. love was such a valuable thing that to talk about it frivolously seemed sinful and just downright disrespectful to the concept. it had to be protected. this is unfortunately why i stayed in my first relationship for so long. i foolishly thought that i was somehow about infatuation and frivolous love. i thought id know it when i found it and that id never let it go, so i couldnt just admit id made a mistake. regardless, friendships to me were always about being too in the moment to care about anything else. friendship was about silent understanding and play. most of my high school friends were like this. we never talked about our lives outside of school save for one or two times, but we all knew we were all going through something so we'd all keep each other busy all night. we wouldnt leave the school until the janitors kicked us out and then we'd wander the town. every now and then someone would break down and cry and we'd sit there and hold each other, but talking about it hardly seemed necessary at that time. it wasnt until the dam broke for me at the end of my senior year that i started really opening up about stuff. that was my brief Therapy phase. i became obsessed with talking about the trauma id gone through and didnt know how to be someone outside of it for a while, but that was a horrible person to be for me. i feel bad for her and it was important that i was her for a time, but im glad im not anymore. she taught me how to be open, but every time i opened up i exploded and it never felt all that fulfilling. in fact, i found that me "trauma dumping" was just me trying to answer everyones questions before they started prying so theyd think i had nothing to hide. i was afraid of people knowing me at that time. what's more, the concept of meeting new people was exhausting at that time because to know me at that time was to know what id been through and it was hard having to go through it again and again.

leaving fixed me. ive said it before but it remains true. ive realized i love a blank slate and ive realized that knowing me is an innate quality some people do or dont possess in varying degrees. ive realized my story is mine and that i generally like being private because i really only like sharing when i think i'll be understood or when i think it's necessary to expose people to new possibilities. i like knowing lots of people, i like knowing them deeply and intimately, but not necessarily constantly. i dont want people to run dry by dumping all their is to know at my feet at once, which is why i think space is so necessary for me. old friends reaching out is such a joy because theyre a new person at this point! new friends are such a joy because they tend to feel as though theyre old friends! i just like for my circle to be full of as many people who are distinctly themselves as possible and i like to learn something. i know sometimes i have to be the teacher, but i vastly prefer equal exchanges. there are few people i never grow tired of, but they tend to also be the ones who think similarly and likewise go off on their own from time to time. we maintain a healthy distance even though we could just as easily talk forever and ever and never grow bored. i think thats the kind of relationship i can have only one of at a time and its something i reserve for romatic partners. a romantic partner is someone who is eternally interesting. someone i can be close to and still find more new things about. i still like to have space, but the closeness wouldnt make me squirm. we could talk forvever and ever and maybe we just will. idk. but there it is

[sleepwithnightlights]

I am a bit scared

I use a nightlight to sleep I am 23 and am scared of the dark. I am scared that something is there, something will jump at me. That when i open my eyes they will meet someone elses, that things move at the corner of my eye. I already sucked at falling asleep but that made it even worse. Plus i think i started to grind my teeth a while ago, if i had to guess at the same time the shadows started to actually be scary. I used to be fine with the dark and when i imagined something being there, coming at me i would smile in understanding of the creature, sympathy. I wasnt scared of them and it was a proving that i was toughened up that they werent worse than what i knew. So it might be good that they are scary now, perhaps it means i allow myself to be vulnerable. Stress and worse time falling asleep would disagree tho. I feel silly writing this while knowing i might share it. I know not many will see it and at worst an ai bot scrapped it and thinks humans use the word scary and scared a lot more than they should. I also dont write. I used to when i wanted to be an author, they were horse stories and truly wonderful. Later in school i still loved to write, some of it was the silliness i deserved, and some was concerning and should have tipped off my teachers. I guess i gotta say: "I dont write anymore." Which will soon be a lie if i ever make it past 1 or 2 posts. I also dont speak english as my first language and i dont get better at grammar the later it gets, which is when i will write most of these texts. Late at night when im dreading to exist but death is too extreme because of my mom and because of my dog and because of my cat and because of my friends and im scared of pain and i am not at risk, i am in therapy and would certainly not go on a blog to seek my last contact and all i want is to be nothingness but not dead but every thought is poison and i want it to finally shut up up there. So i'll write instead and finally remember what i was thinking duing this time and make it easier for my therapist.

I dont think i used a single comma so far. Oops. I also think that i am being cringe. I will sound edgy no matter how i word it and that no thought will be unique, that what i write is eye-rollable. Teenager stuff. I guess its teenager stuff, its kids stuff, the me teenager and the me kid is just as angry and sad and terrified as the now me. I guess i deserve to be those things and sound cringey and edgy i've got important stuff to share, like being a sad and terrified and angry kid. So back off hater and ai that will not use a single comma now thanks to me. You are welcome guys, i saved us from the impending plagiarization of everything everyone is writing anywhere. Yippie.

I dont allow myself to have a break from doing something during the day.i need to do something so i dont start thinking. Thats stuff bed-me has to deal with and she has gotten quite adapt at trying their best to work with the mess day-me has to deal with. • Fantasy stories. • Funny or exciting scenarios. • Revenge scenarios. • Fake arguments. • Something tragic has happened and only i can help (f.e. a train has been taken hostage and i can save everybody). • Someone i love dearly has died (not actually) and i am now left to deal with grief i cannot even imagine how bad it will be once they truly die. • Someone i love died (actually) and i am left to be furious with the hands they were dealt and they were not able to live their life as they deserved it. • Less now but i used to love creating little love interests and creating whole stories on how we met and fell in love.

There is more but writing does make me tired. Also a lot of these dont actually seem good or helpful and you would be correct but awful scenarios bring a sense of control since i know how to deal with surviving and adapting to anything.

I think i had strategies like these since ever. They used to be mostly diving into the fantasyland of whatever book i was reading, creating my own character, having my own powers, replaying what fun they had. I used to look forward to that part of falling asleep since it was so fun. I dont know if there is something not "normal" about that, something any kid wouldnt do aswell. Im starting to get frustrated that i cant put my thoughts down into writing like i want it to, so ill go try and sleep again. Thank you for reading, hope you got your nigthlight on or video or

[blackvail22]

10/01/23

12:48am - i always have my hopes up... i always want the best possible outcome to happen. everything needs to go right... it just has to. i need to keep low expectations. he doesnt care, and if he wants to leave me on read on two different platforms for 7 hours, hey... who am i to judge? i knew this would happen.

im the sad girlfriend, the one that overthinks constantly. i cant help it.. its something i was taught. so many ppl around me keep lying, and im tired of it. so many things im anxious and overthinking do end up happening.

i want to be happy, but i cant let myself .. i sabotage myself, doing things i know i shouldnt, and its... killing me.

i mnew things being at a high would make my lows go even lower

at this rate ill need my counselor every 3 days after my appointments because I AM STRUGGLING

also i think i developed some sort of ... something w my science teacher last year because every time i see photos of him my heart stops and i almost start crying. i would always want to look the best esp for his class like i never wanted to be a mess near him... so thats unhealthy!

but i am struggling.... what's new!!!!

12:31pm - yesterday did have some fun parts though, and i habe to remember that. my friends visited me at work yesterday before they went to homecoming, and i had fun with my coworker. i focus on the negative a lot... its a habit i need to get rid of

2:20pm - thinking abt how my new coworker invalidated my identity like u dont have to be androgynous to go by they/them, just like u dont have to be masculine to go by he/him and feminine to go by she/her.... like...

11:50pm - im not going to lie, i really dont want to work tomorrow. that means i only have one day off this week... even though my shift tomorrow is only three hours, thats three hours i could spend in my bed after my appointment. and i have to wake up early tomorrow to do a lab that the place i went to couldnt do for my appointment tmrw... im so stressed out. oh, also, someone i went to school with and have mutual friends with said to me today they dont remmeber me at all,, and that kinda sucks! i mean, i didnt talk too much, but you still have to at least notice me... we have mutual friends... she sat behind me in lunch??? during our music department trip, we talked to each other. all well. it doesnt matter anymore, does it?

i cant stop feeling sorry for myself. if i want change with myself, i have to di it... why is it so hard? i really want to live in someone elses body... im sososo tired of mine. i want a different life and different experiences. i want to live in my ideal world, and its impossible now...

[chnsfairy]

w_______w

[amminnie]

Gen z? More like gen wants to die.

[yaomomvs]

TAKE OUR HAND

seijoh x manager!reader

in which aoba johsai vbc just wants you to take their hand, just as the many times they have reached for yours when they needed it

pls i’m sorry i just wrote this for comfort, in having a terrible week and so, i just really need my seijoh boys to comfort me even if it’s just in my head and just so you know, and as i’ve been trying to convince myself, things always get better

tuesday, [15:56 pm]

“nice kill yahaba senpai!” kindaichi congratulates his upperclassman.

his voice makes you react, it scared you. still holding your pen and the notebook you always carry around even on normal practice days, your hand threatens you in the most scary way possible.

fuck no, just... breathe.

you are quick to leave aside the notes, and so, you look around to the boys, who just after the coach’s whistle sounds they are quick to approach your spot.

you take the water bottles as quickly as you can.

“oh y/n-san, i know we are irresistible but you can’t just slack off admiring us!” makki teases you laughing.

“if our dear manager is admiring someone is obviously me” oikawa says, before taking a sip of his bottle, slightly making you blush even more.

“i don’t think she likes idiots who still watch youtube conspiracy videos at 3am”

“iwa!”

“weren’t you the one with a secret obsession for romance manga, iwaizumi?” it’s mattsun time to expose his friend. iwai mi doesn’t hesitate and he runs directly to matsukawa, while kunimi brings out his phone to start recording the chaos in the gym.

you don’t listen.

your head hurts, and then, you once again feel this weird thing in you stomach. you have been feeling like this for the past week, and you try to ignore it . but sometimes, you just want the world to stop.

you can’-

“y/n senpai?” watari calls your name, and you notice his furrowed brows looking at you, worried. you blink and correct your posture. you had just zooned out. “is everything ok?”

“ah yes watari kun!” you force your self to sound relaxed because you feel the sudden gaze of the entire team “i was just thinking in a smart way to insult oikawa, but i’m worried he won’t understand tho”

“hey! you said i was your favorite”

you fake laugh once again assuring everyone that you were just fine. the day goes on, and somehow is becomes more difficult to just stay down not worrying about anything.

and they notice.

you don’t walk home with the guys today. instead you run to the bus not before excusing yourself with an ‘urgent family thing’

“just please don’t let makki eat so much ramen today!” you giggle as you run to the bus “i’m not in the mood to dealing with diarrea!”

“that was a secret between us darling!” the pink haired guy screams cheeks blushing.

and maybe you were just too distracted, but before you face them away some of them notice how quick your smile fades.

“you know guys” yahaba is quick to say “call me crazy but, why did she lie?”

—

wednesday, [10:22 am]

when was the last time you actually enjoyed school? not practice, but school itself. seeing numbers everyday in the board that you don’t understand is frustrating. your throat hurts, there’s has been a not there since the begging of the day.

swallow it, y/n, dammit

you decided to take this class, don’t blame the world, blame yourself. isn’t it supposed to be simple? why isn’t it being simple? is that... 

"Square root of 57 is equal to Xo, miss" 

"alright!" 

it is not like it’s a race, you want to say. why was the teacher obsessed with speed?, it’s unfair. your time is not the same as that of others. 

you drop the pencil and you recline in your chair, why couldn’t you do operations and analysis as fast as they could? you take a look around and the eyes of others look frightening. you see ambition, you see security, you see admiration.

the bell rings and you just want to run, and well in a way you end up doing it. leaving your homeroom, you tell your friends that for today you want to be alone, the halls of aoba johsai are big, for your fortune or misfortune. you go to the vending machine and when your drink falls, the minimum noise makes you startle, lately it’s like that, small noises or actions affect you way too much.

and iwaizumi notices it.

you don’t make a single move, it’s just the cold drink resting on your hands. and before iwaizumi could stop mattsun, he was already putting his hand on your shoulder.

“y/n!”

the orange juice spills and once again fear takes hold of you.

you see them both, you’re not stupid and you know hajime stares at you weirdly, and now mattsun, you hide your fear it a bit worse than yesterday, but you do anyways.

"someday, Matsukawa-san, YOU’RE GOING TO KILL ME! and what will you do without me?" you try to say cheerful, wanting to take away the suspicion, for a moment it works.

"flunk history, that leads me to..." 

"no, sweeheart, i won’t give you my homework" 

you walk and both guys follow you, one faster than another, very naive of the situation. "I begin to believe you hate me," says Mattsun, as the three sit on a bench near the school cafeteria casually encountering kunimi who quickly joins you, patting the folds of your skirt as you sit down, you rest on the table and admire his needy expression and as the tantrum of mattsun grows.

minutes go by, your chest pain grows, but somehow you know how to let it go.

 with your hands supporting your face, lunch passes between you and kunimi, you try to talk, you really try. 

but still, your eyes just glow, and kunimi notices how it’s not the glow you always have.

—

thursday [12:03]

your head is spinning, you can feel the cold sweat. will this be the time? why do you feel so small? why can’t you say it?

it’s familiar, you recognize this feeling, an ocean, you’re floating, you know you can swim, but, you’re in the middle of nowhere, you look down. Out of nowhere the intimidating depth of the ocean is beneath you. And then, you sink. You feel like you’re drowning, you feel like you’re fighting the tide, but you just can’t do it.

i just need...

no, it’s not time yet, it’s still training. the boys... you’re the one who should take care of them, you’re the one who has to be be fine. they had no time to lose, they had a goal and for the moment that was the most important thing.

On that bench, your gaze is absent, you know it is so.

and through the window that overlooks your classroom, oikawa notices it too

“y/n...” he mumbled.

of course he’d noticed. at first it was not so clear, but now he remembers.

when kindaichi pinned your dark circles to him, while admiring you by fitting volleyballs in a way not of your own.

makki watches oikawa from your side, you don’t even know the pink-haired guy is there, unaware that he’s sitting next to you. but he notices. he’s been noticing for days that your eyes are threatening to close in the middle of class.

hanamaki catches your attention and instantly that mask you’ve been wearing for weeks appears again.

"hanamaki, i’m fine"

it doesn’t convince them. they both look out the window and nod.

oikawa notices, and god, he wished he had no reason to.

—

friday [14:00 pm]

breathe.

please just... breathe.

you’re fed up. the feeling of guilt and discomfort is still there, can’t you be calm? people don’t need to know, but why do you want to shout it?

the dressing room is alone, the girls from the soccer team are out and it’s your only chance.

the team needs you, hold on a little.

your footsteps are heard in the hallway once again, a symphony you’re tired of listening to.

your chest hurts, your heart is aching, but you just need a little more. hands are shaking, the cold in your body, you need to stop.

you have to make them stop.

but when you walk into the gym, even with your eyes down, all you feel is warm. and it’s because, the boys were standing, aligned begging for you.

no, they beg for your sake.

and everything stops.

one hand from him on your neck, and one hand around your shoulders.

because oikawa, without warning, now has you in his arms.

and then, only then, you break.

tears don’t take long to come out, along with desperate sobs. your legs fail and out of nowhere, you and oikawa are on your knees.

with an alarmed look, the whole club runs towards both, surrounding you as sensibly as possible.

"i’m sorry, i’m sorry I’M SORRY" is heard from you, between hiccups.

“love, listen...” iwaizumi approaches you,somehow he managed to catch up with you, somehow he managed to hold your hand.

"i promise i didn’t want to, but i can’t, i can’t anymore, why can’t i? i try and i try and i keep trying but it’s never enough! IM TIRED OF SEEING SOMETHING AND NOT BEING ABLE TO PROCESS IT LIKE THE OTHERS. I’M TIREDD OF NEVER FULFILLING WHAT I SHOULD”

yahaba’s heart aches, and just as most of the team, is shocked.

your hands, oh your adorable hands, those hands that bandage his in the middle of an important game, he sees them shaking horribly between iwaizumi’s.

“AND I’M SCARED, WHAT IF I LOSE YOU BECAUSE OF THAT BECAUSE OF ME? BECAUSE OF HOW I AM I-“

watari is quick to place your hair gently behind your ear, a kunimi covers you with his jacket.

“I LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND I DONT RECOGNIZE MYSELF” you lower your voice, its cracked now “oikawa I don’t recognize myself, I want to be me again" you whisper, and a knot appears in the captain’s throat, and he puts a hand on your cheek "please... just let me be me again" your throat burns, your eyes get redder.

the gym goes silent, your words still echoing in everyone’s head.

“why didn’t you-“

“i just couldn’t” you blame yourself cutting oikawa off “look at us! we are waisting time on me when we should be- i’m the one who has to- im you support not-“

“hey hey, love...” iwaizumi whispers his voice is filled with sweetness, letting you sit correctly and softly rubbing his thumb in your hands “how many times have you been there for us? y/n your hand is always there”

“that’s true” kyotani says, finally saying something, emotions overwhelmed him a lot, but he genuinely wanted to help you.

“there’s something about you, there’s light” kindaichi follows up.

“no matter where, or how bad we are, somehow you always are helping us stand up” mattsun also tries to carefully approach you, he wants nothing more for you to feel safe.

and oikawa’s arms were still around you. he never stopped.

“we have reached your hand so many times, so now it’s time for you to please take ours” oikawa holds you face, and you see the sincerity and kindness behind his brown eyes, it feels like home.

mattsun does a sign asking the coach for a day off, both of them smile tenderly at you and give the green flag. iwa and makki are next to hold you carefully helping you stand up. they help you stop shaking but it’s mad dog the one who wipes your tears away with a tissue watari handled him. still not knowing if he did it the right way. you still feel kunimi’s scent. you still see kindaichi holding your school bag making sure nothing is missing. yahaba is the one bringing you water. and oikawa still refuses to let you go.

all of them feel like home.

“thank you”

and that’s how you know everything is going to feel fine.

because this club was yours and you were theirs.

this was home.

[dantelionwishes]

life is full of ups and downs downs downs downs dow

loredump under the cut. not kidding when I say its gonna be long!

oh shit you actually clicked keep reading thank you for your interest 😭😭😭

YOU KNOW THE DRILL tw // suggestive dont read ahead if youre uncomfortable with the topic of aphrodisiacs! 

MIDDLE SCHOOL 

before anything, I gotta explain he was born to parents who had an infatuation quirk (makes them hardcore fall in love with you) and an infection quirk (transmits a virus via saliva)  

developed his quirk late, since they usually get it by the time kids are four 

most people knew him as quirkless before the first incident 

in middle school, his class was preparing for a school play, he and his classmate got cast as the main lead prince and princess 

coincidentally, they both had a crush on each other and had a scene where they kissed

technically they weren’t supposed to, since its just a play, but one time they were practicing in private and wanted to try kissing “for real”

so they shared a super giggly cute middle school first kiss but well UNFORTUNATELY FOR HIM HIS QUIRK HAD WELL DEVELOPED– 

BADABING BADABOOM YOU HAVE AN IMAGINATION USE IT

the only way for the quirk’s effects to go away is to come at least once or pleasuring yourself until it goes away

I DO NOT WANT TO IMAGINE IT BUT. IMAGINE BEING A TEACHER AND FINDING A MIDDLE SCHOOLER WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING TO HER AND AN ADULT IS FORCED TO TELL HER HOW TO MAKE IT GO AWAY LLLLIKE–

rip now that I’m thinking abt it, I don’t even think anybody would even kNOW HOW TO MAKE IT GO AWAY so lets imagine she painfully stays that way until they figure out how to make it stop :^(

there’s a big fight that happens between the teachers, principal, and parents of both parties 

of course the crush’s parents got mad and called their kid a fuckin uhhhhh sexual predator or some shit despite also beING THE SAME AGE AND NOT EVEN KNOWING ABT HIS OWN QUIRK LIKE HELLLO

obviously an incident like this is going to spread like wildfire but the principal does not want something like this to leak, especially since it was not on purpose and was a total accident 

the other kid’s parents and some teachers did not feel comfortable however, and sato was forced to drop out

but not wanting to spread the gossip about their son’s quirk and the incident, they leave the town and move someplace else

thankfully, the principal gives the sato family his good grades and a recommendation to a decent highschool for the trouble

they’re originally from osaka, but moved to tokyo 

this is where they start taking precautions with sato, basically teaching him to be careful with his saliva 

it was easily taught and learned esp since the mom was already like that around him and others everyday anyway!! she has to take care of her saliva-based infection quirk, after all 

HIGH SCHOOL

he got enrolled into a regular highschool in tokyo

no hero course, no support course, no business, just a regular ol’ school

if before, he loved surrounding himself with people, this was where he was forced to develop a lonely disposition to protect himself and others

at least his parents were very protective and supportive of him and they were generally a happy family!

but in school, pretending to be quirkless was just as difficult, getting bullied or pitied for having no special abilities 

his excuse for wearing a mask all the time was because his mother had a virus-related quirk, and had to be careful 

one day his dad was suddenly got really, really sick

the more he had an excuse to wear a mask because he didnt want to get whatever disease his father started to develop 

sato started thinking it could be his mother (but why?) the results didn’t say anything about an unknown virus killing him (which is his mom’s quirk), and that his father really did contract a strong yet very normal disease 

while on his second year in highschool, his father, yozo sato, died 

apparently, without him knowing anything about his parents, his mother, oba sato, was actually under the dad’s infatuation quirk this whole time

she realised she wasn’t really in love with him when oba had accidentally allowed a drop of her saliva to fall into the meal she was making him, making him sick, and therefore making him weak enough to deactivate his quirk on her 

oba, back in her college years, wanted to marry someone else but yozo, who had a crush on her wanted her to himself, used his quirk to make him fall in love with her 

so in revenge for making her put up with him all these years to the point of marriage and having a kid, she continued to do this to his food 

her quirk doesn’t make anybody sick enough to die, but it made her husband’s immune system weak enough to the point that it contracted a real, serious disease which he ended up dying from instead 

sato only finds out the real story when he graduates from highschool, days right after his graduation the mom confesses it all 

she does say she truly loves him, but can’t stay around him knowing he was technically “unconsensual love”

sato gets reminded of what his quirk does, and true enough, that’s what him and his quirk turned out to be (a sick combination of his mom and his dad) 

they cant bear to be around each other after that revelation and decide to just not see each other again 

COLLEGE YEARS

he enrolls into an education course, inspired by the kind principal who helped him finish his middleschool-highschool education when it all started going downhill 

sato struggles paying for his college fees esp since he doesn’t exactly have his parents supporting him anymore, nor any contact with immediate family 

he has a lot of part time jobs that go all around the clock, he continues pretending to be quirkless so he gets bullied, and has to deal with all that emotional baggage plus being alone so…….clearly my man is TIRED as hell 

his side job hustles include: convenience store cashier, bookstore attendant, bar bouncer, and rookie gym trainer (he went to the local gym long enough for him to get recommended a job as a trainer)

college was that point where he starts developing a hardcore yearning for a companion because oh my god hes so lonELY (but cant)

ANYWAY SO

there’s this bully guy who always picks on him in college (for being “quirkless” and a loner and overall a fuckin weirdo with a mask)

tbh sato doesnt really give a shit he’s so used to it but he doesnt have his mother as an excuse to wear the mask anymore, this is where he starts forming the “I have bad breath” excuse 

“口臭い” (kuchi kusai) translates to “bad breath” or “stinky mouth” so sato unlovingly gets nicknamed “kusato”

one day he’s walking around the campus at night and finds the bully with his gang cornering another quirkless student, with plans of assaulting her 

sato was never the hero type, and was about to ignore the commotion as to not get involved, but something in him moved on its own and he found himself face to face with the gang 

he confronts them, but the bully mocks both him and the girl for not having powers to stop them anyway 

SIKE BITCH sato’s able to easily strike the other two guys, knock them off their feet enough to be able to tug the to-be victim aside, telling her to report them, before asking her to run away as fast as she can

none of the guys want that (they’re all students) so they have a full on brawl (and this isnt hero academy, its a totally normal university so I wouldn’t assume these guys had very impressive quirks)

except the main bully actually has a pretty decent quirk (he’s like a kinda half human half dragon with sharp claws, scales, and dragon eyes) and gets to injure sato with his sharp claws, seriously injuring his face

a part of his ear is also sort of sliced off, which is how his mask gets accidentally removed in the process 

the dragon bully grabs him by the collar and starts angrily shouting at him for ruining his night, being able to do all this shit without a quirk and all and all other derogatory speech 

“Well? what do you have to say for yourself?!“ 

Sato stays silent before spitting right into the bully’s mouth 

The bully drops him immediately, about to angrily fuck him up for doing something super fucking gross but WHOOP WHOOP YOU KNOW WHATS BOUTTA HAPPEN the quirk works immediately and the bully is a TOTAL MESS on the ground 

Im going to TLDR this part cos its…obviously nsfw but like: sato fully embarrasses him in public (beside the bully’s two colleges nonetheless) 

sato stays in the hospital for some time to heal from his wounds 

fortunately, afterwards, the bullies all get expelled 

unfortunately for sato, he also gets expelled for engaging in bad behaviour, and the bully did say what happened to him (and the college principal did not want his…dangerous quirk on campus) so as to lower any incident, all four were expelled 

at least without having to pay for college fees anymore, he could fully focus on paying for food, shelter, and clothes 

minus of course the hospital bills needed to pay plus he got a sick ass scar from it anyway HAHAHAHA BSDJHJRHDHF

ADULT LIFE

he had a lot of jobs here and there, but was more or less doing best as a trainer at a local gym where people weren’t allowed to use their quirks and strengthen their body regularly 

a few years went by and he eventually shrugged off everything that happened in his final college years but one day someone familiar walked into the gym! It was the fellow college student he saved!!!

she became a policewoman who wanted to get stronger in this quirkless friendly gym and hadn’t given up on her dreams of being a “hero,” inspired by how sato saved her that day

sato never really saw himself as some hero, he was left many nights alone thinking about how easily he could become a villain with his quirk, so hearing that really made him happy 

he trains her as her gym coach and she eventually asks him to join her patrol this small part of the city from a gang that was currently going around doing crimes since he’s good at it anyway, saying she could use some extra hands hehe

so yeah!! he does this side gig with her where he patrols alongside her looking for gang crimes and such c:

AND ONE DAY. [WISTFUL SIGH] ONE DAY. HE FINDS SOMEBODY GETTING MUGGED BY A GANG MEMBER AND SAVES………A CERTAIN MAN–

thank you for reading all the way here!!!

feel free to ask for questions or for any clarifications 😭😭😭!!!!!!