#i doubt mine would look quite as cool as hers simply bc my hands are too shaky to make the seamless look she does | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

watchmegetobsessed · 4 years

Text

Serendipity - Part III. (Harry Styles)

a/n: hey guys!! thank you so much for those who read the last part and took the time to like/reblog/leave feedback! i want to stress how important it is that you guys do any of these things bc these are the only things that writers can use to see how their works are doing so PLEASE!! take that 30 sec to like/reblog and if you enjoyed, PLEASE leave a few words!! with this being said, here is part 3, hope you guys will enjoy it!

pairing: Harry x OC (Annalise Lloyd)

word count: 10k

warning: it gets a little steamy? not too much tho

SERIES MASTERPOST ⚫️ my masterlist ⚫️ come and talk to me about Serendipity!

Serendipity (n.) Finding something good without looking for it.

The kitchen was utter disaster before Harry has finally gotten around to clean up after cooking. Wiping all surfaces clean and washing every dish he used in the process he quickly sets his dining table for three people before diving into one of his wardrobes, mining after the board games he keeps around. There’s an impressive pile of them, all kinds and he really hopes they’ll be able to find something Benji likes. Checking the time he sees that he has only about twenty minutes left before his guests arrive, so he locks himself up in the bathroom. Washing away all the smells from the kitchen, he walks out with a clean towel wrapped around his waist, thinking about a suitable fit for the occasion.

Lis has texted him earlier to ask about the required dress code and he set it as casual/comfortable so now he has to dress according to that as well.

Pulling on a pair of light-washed jeans he pairs it with a simple white t-shirt and a grey cardigan. It’s a simple outfit, but he feels like it’s just perfect for the occasion. Checking the time once again he notes that he has only a few minutes left, when the doorbell rings. He steps to the intercom and sees through the security camera that it’s her.

“Hey, just park behind the Rover,” he instructs talking into the intercom and opening up the gate for her.

Quickly, he checks himself out one last time in the mirror next to the front door before opening it up, watching her car pull up behind his, the engine shutting before the door of the driver seat opens. Annalise appears in his sight with a warm smile, wearing jeans and a black, baggy jumper, her hair up in a loose ponytail.

“Hey!” she calls out before stepping to one of the back seats, opening up the door to help Benji out. Harry can’t push down the smile when he sees the little boy hop out of his seat holding a little blue envelope. He is wearing a white and blue checkered button-up with black jeans, looking like a little gentleman, Harry notes. He doesn’t seem shy or startled to be at a new place meeting someone he has only seen once before. Annalise takes his hand and the two of them walk up to Harry who is holding the door open for them.

“Hello!” Benji greets him with a sweet smile as they walk up the few stairs to the front door.

“Hi Benji. Nice to see you again,” Harry nods with a smile before looking up at Lis. “You too,” he adds.

“Thanks for having up,” she smiles, leading Benji inside as Harry closes the door. “Shoes,” she tells Benji, who takes off his sneakers without a fuss. Harry doesn’t have the heart to tell them they could have kept their shoes on, it doesn’t matter to him. Instead, he reaches into the small wardrobe in the hallway, fishing out slippers for them. Luckily, he has a few child ones as well, since some of his friends bring their kids around so he got a few just in case. Now it comes handy.

“Thank you,” Annalise smiles before instructing the little boy to put on his pair.

“This is for you,” Benji holds out the envelope for Harry, who looks down at it in surprise.

“Oh, thank you!” he answers, feeling startled and curious about what’s inside. He fidgets it open and pulls out the drawing that was hidden inside.

It’s a car, that he is sure about. A quite cool looking car if he is being honest. The coloring is a little off the lines and the portions are not quite right, but it’s a nice drawing, he thinks to himself. In the right corner of the page he sees the name BENJI spelt out, the letters looking a little wobbly and crooked, but it’s crystal clear.

“You drew this?” Harry questions raising his eyebrows at the little boy. Benji nods with a proud smile. “Wow, it’s amazing. Where should I put it?” he muses holding the drawing up as Benji looks around.

“Mommy always puts my drawings on the fridge,” he then answers and Harry nods.

“That’s a nice place. I think it’ll look good on my fridge. Come on, help me put it up.”

The boy follows him without a word, walking into the spacious kitchen, right to his fridge. He takes a magnet and hangs it in the middle as they all look at the new decoration

“Thank you, I think it looks great here,” Harry concludes and Benji nods in agreement.

“Benji, why don’t you wash your hand quickly before we eat?” Annalise tells him before looking at Harry. “Where’s a bathroom?”

“See that door on the left? That’s the one,” Harry explains to Benji and he nods again, running off to do his duty.

“He insisted bringing the drawing when I told him we’d be coming here today,” Annalise shares with Harry and he smiles at her, feeling touched.

“Very thoughtful.”

“Is there anything you need help with around here?” she asks, her eyes roaming around the kitchen and Harry is thankful he cleaned up after he was done with the cooking.

“No, everything is set and done. You just enjoy your time here,” he smirks and she smiles at him thankfully before Benji returns from the bathroom. “You like chicken strips, Benji?” he asks the boy upon his arrival. His eyes glisten at the mention of food, nodding eagerly as Annalise chuckles.

“That’s all he orders when we go to KFC,” she lets Harry in who grins down at Benji.

“Then this is your lucky day.”

Annalise helps Harry bring the food to the table and they all take their seats, Benji eyeing everything on the table with hungry eyes. They dig into it and Harry is relieved to see that his guests are enjoying the meal.

Harry was never afraid he wouldn’t get along well with the little boy, he is amazing around kids, easy to create a bond with them under any circumstances. It doesn’t take him long to get him to talk about school, his friends and what he likes doing in his freetime, making sure he pays enough attention to Lis as well. His home often feels empty during the days, he only has company over mostly in the evenings, but that doesn’t happen often either. So having them around brings a warm feeling to his chest as their chatter fills the room.

“So then we won and Eddy’s mum took us out to have pizza so it was great,” Benji finishes another story, his plate has emptied out not so long ago. As Harry peeks over at Lis, he sees how lovingly she is looking down at the little boy sitting across her. It’s clearer than daylight that Benji is her whole wide world and he has no problem being second after the boy. He thinks that’s just how it should be anyway and the thought that some men ever thought otherwise… it irks his buttons for sure.

“Benji, why don’t you go ahead and choose a game from the pile while we clean up the table?” Annalise tells him once everyone is done eating. He cheers in excitement and runs straight to the hoard of games waiting for him in the living room.

Harry and Lis clean the table and bring all the dirty dishes to the sink, she starts washing them without a word.

“You don’t have to,” Harry tells her, but she shakes her head.

“You cooked, I’m cleaning. Just put the leftover away,” she says smiling at him.

Harry packs away what was left from the lunch and then leans against the counter next to Lis. His eyes wander over her form, just the sight of her in the comfort of his home bubbles something deep inside him he’s been looking for for some time now. This warmth in his chest, the domesticity of such a simple thing of having her washing the dishes makes the house feel more of a home than ever.

“Do you cook often?” she asks, glancing at him shortly.

“Not as often as I probably should,” he admits. “I don’t find the time for it that often. When I’m home I tend to feel a little restless, like I should be doing something else, working on something, so I end up in my studio room down in the basement, recording something I won’t even use later.”

“Sounds like you overwork yourself.”

“Don’t have anything else to put my energy into just yet,” he shrugs his shoulders simply. “Well, at least that’s how it used to be,” he adds, a small smile playing on his lips as his eyes meet her gaze. A soft blush tints her cheeks before she turns back to the sink, finishing up the washing.

Annalise just chuckles when Benji chooses to play with UNO out of all the games Harry has to offer, but neither of them questions his choice. The three of them make themselves comfortable in the living room, Lis and Benji sit on the couch while Harry takes one of his armchairs while Benji mixes the cards. They seem to be a little too big for his hands, but he manages to finish the task just fine. They play round after round and Harry lets Benji win as much as possible, always pretending to be bummed that he lost the game. Only twice does Lis win, but Benji doesn’t mind that he has to share the victory with his mum, he has great manners, Harry notes once again.

Lis finds herself watching Harry with a fluttering heart. Every time he interacts with Benji something inside her chest feels to be growing. The way he treats the little boy, how he doesn’t seem to mind having him in the spotlight and the way he looks genuinely interested in anything Benji tells him about makes her completely forget about the doubts she was heaving before arriving. Even though she decided to be open to whatever fate has for her about Harry, she couldn’t just magically overcome all her fears from her previous experiences. She did think about canceling today, feeling reluctant if it would be a good idea or not, but now she couldn’t be happier with her choice.

Benji announces that he needs to use the toilet for something big, as he phrases, making Harry smile before he runs off to do his business.

“Sorry, he can be quite blunt sometimes,” Lis explains leaning back while Harry shuffles the cards once again.

“S’fine. He is great,” he grins, eyes meeting hers and the lock for a little longer than they intended, but they both find it hard to look away.

“Thanks for today. He is having a great time.”

“He is?”

“Yeah. Don’t worry he would let you know if he didn’t,” she chuckles making him laugh. “As I said, he can be pretty blunt.”

“I think it’s great. That he is not afraid to say what’s on his mind. I’m sure he doesn’t have trouble making friends.”

“He does not. He has this group of friends, it’s the five of them, all boys, they are like a little gang and I feel like Benji is some kind of leader. But not like a bossy one. They were all over at ours for his birthday and I was afraid he would act like a little king, but he always made sure to include everyone.” “That’s amazing. You taught him so well, Lis. Really, you should be very proud of yourself.” Not knowing how long Benji will take, he dares to take his seat next to Lis, he turns to face her, pulling a leg up, his knee brushing against the side of her thigh. The urge to just lean in and kiss her is growing, but he tells him he needs to keep himself at bay, not sure how far he is allowed to go.

She feels his hesitation, she sees the way he glances down at her lips longingly and she wants to give in. She almost does, because her attraction towards Harry grows with each passing moment, but just when she is about to give in, she hears Benji flush the toilet, kind of breaking the moment. Licking her lips she takes a deep breath to get her into the right mindset before Benji arrives back.

“Can we build a card castle?” Benji asks excited as he runs back into the living room, not even noticing that Harry has taken his spot on the couch. He kneels down next to the coffee table, taking the cards and starting anyway.

Harry pays one last lingering look to Lis before turning his attention back at the boy, lending him a helping hand in the building process.

It’s way past five by the time Annalise and Benji are getting ready to leave. Benji managed to convince them to watch a movie once he got bored with the cards, so they ended up in Harry’s movie room, which completely blew his mind away and they watched Zootopia.

Now Benji is rambling about his football game coming up next weekend and how he’ll score the most goals for sure.

“Will you come to see me, Harry?” he asks with bright eyes, the question catches him by surprise, but Lis as well. Harry glances up at her immediately, not sure what to say.

“Oh, Benji, Harry might have work that day—“

“I would love to,” he blurts out and it’s the truth. “I-If it’s fine by you as well,” he adds, still looking at her.

“Are you sure you’re not busy?”

“Lis, I wouldn’t say it if I was busy. I think I can make it work, but I’ll check back with you later this week, alright?”

“Yeah. Sure,” she nods, clearly surprised how quickly Benji grew a liking to him.

“Yay! See you later then, Harry!” Benji cheers, waving goodbye to Harry who feels touched by this little gesture. He runs down the stairs and jolts right towards the car, Lis following him behind.

Harry watches her help him into the car, shutting the door once he is all buckled up and instead of getting into the car as well, she walks back up to Harry who is still standing at the door. When she walks up the stairs she pushes him a little back into the house so they fall out of Benji’s sight, Harry is a little puzzled, but he quickly forgets about his racing thoughts once Annalise’s lips meet his in a sweet kiss.

Pushing his surprise aside he is quick to recover, arms circling around her waist while hers cup his cheeks gently. It’s not a long kiss, neither a passionate one, but it’s exactly what they both needed. Their lips move in sync and he hesitantly, but licks her bottom lip before their tongues meet in the middle.

“Lunch sometime this week?” she asks, quite out of breath, the smallest smile tugging on her plump lips.

“Yeah, I-I’ll text you?” he breathes out, lips still tingling from the kiss he has been dreaming about for quite a while now.

“Okay,” she chuckles, placing a soft peck to his lips before turning around and going back to her car.

Harry stands at the door, stunned and completely blown away as he watches them leave, Benji waves in his way one last time before they disappear, out the gate, out of his sight.

“You are oddly quiet, but like, in a good way” Chloé states, eyes examining her best friend as they are sitting comfortably on a bench at the nearby park they often take Benji out. It has a nice and popular playground right in the middle and Benji loves playing with the kids from around the neighborhood here.

Annalise just smirks innocently, shrugging her shoulder, fingers digging into the apple slices in the box she packed as a snack.

“You also haven’t told me about a certain singer lately, but from the glow on your face, I assume things are going great?” she nudges her, happy to see Lis so happy and careless.

“I guess,” she shortly nods, still avoiding to look at her best friend.

“Elaborate. You know I’m too nosy not to know every little detail,” Chloé teases her, making her laugh.

“Oh, I know how nosy you are, don’t worry.”

“So? How is our favorite singer?”

“He is… fine. We’ve been getting close.”

“Which means…?”

“Which means that we’ve been meeting up constantly.”

“For fuck’s sake, Lis, would you just give me the whole thing? Why do I have to pull it out of you word by word?”

“What do you want to know?” Annalise chuckles at her impatient friend.

“How big?” she bluntly asks, making Lis gasp at the question.

“That I don’t know and even if I did, I wouldn’t tell you.”

“How mean! I deserve to know it! Though I’m disappointed you haven’t jumped his bones yet.”

“What were you expecting? We’ve been seeing each other for a little over a month only. In mother time, that’s like… two days,” she jokes.

“Stop with this bullshit. You might be a mother, but you’re still a 25 year-old hot bitch.”

“Hearing you call me a mother and a bitch in the same sentence is ridiculous.”

“Ridiculously on-point,” Chloé scoffs. “Alright, so tell me, what’s stopping you from sleeping with him? You know you can always bring Benji over for a sleepover so you can shag Mr. One Direction.”

“And now you are mentioning Benji and shagging in the same sentence, would you stop?” Annalise chuckles, stuffing another slice of apple into her mouth.

“I’m just trying to get you laid!”

“Well, I don’t need help, okay?” she retorts, but her fast response gets Chloé to think.

“Wait, you have something planned already, right?” Annalise doesn’t answer, her eyes dart over to Benji at the swings playing with two other little boys, but the blush on her cheeks gives her away. “Oh shit! You have something planned! Tell me!”

“Why would I tell you when you’ll just make fun of me?” she sighs, finally turning to face her.

“I would never make fun of you shagging the hottest singer in Britain. No, in the whole world, probably.”

Huffing to herself, Lis looks around, making sure no one hears what they are talking about, before turning back to Chloé.

“Benji has a sleepover birthday party next weekend. I thought I would… ask Harry if he wants to come over. I’d cook something, get some wine… you know. A kind of cozy date night.”

“That’s literally the sweetest shit ever,” Chloé sighs. “Now I feel horribly single.”

“Stop it!” Lis chuckles. “You have at least five men waiting for your call.”

“Yeah, whatever. So, does this late night involve the dirty deed?”

“I mean, I wouldn’t mind,” she admits shyly. It’s been so long since she was intimate with anyone, she sometimes feels like a silly teenage girl, especially when it comes to Harry. He makes her feel things she thought she would never experience.

“Go girl! Get that D!” Chloé cheers, making Lis gasp at her bluntness once again.

“Chlo! There are kids around!”

“If a kid knows what the D means, their childhood is already ruined, so don’t come for me.”

“Chloé! Come see what I can do!” Benji emerges from the group of kids, dragging Chloé with himself, leaving Annalise alone on the bench.

Now that she said her plans with Harry out loud, she can’t help but feel nervous. What if it’s too soon? Or what if Harry is not even free that evening? Scared that her dream date might go down the drain, she grabs her phone from her bag and dials his number.

“Hey!” he greets her cheerfully, always so happy to hear from her.

“Hi, am I bothering you?”

“No, I’m just in the car. What’s up?”

“I just wanted to ask if… you had any plans next Saturday.”

“I have a studio session until six, but I’m free after that. What do you have in mind?” Harry asks, a little surprised she asked him out, but it’s clearly making his chest warm up, knowing that she is thinking about him too.

“Benji was invited to a birthday party and it’s a sleepover… So I’ll have the house for myself. I thought I could cook something, we could have some wine, you know.” She nervously scratches the bench next to her thigh, nervous to hear his reaction to the idea.

“Oh, that sounds perfect! But if you’re cooking, let me take care of the wine. What kind do you like?”

“Um, I’m not an expert. Bring whatever you like, I’m sure I’ll be fine with that too.”

“Okay, but I won’t be the one to drink it,” he chuckles.

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t drink and drive, Love.”

“Why—“ she cuts herself off realizing what Harry meant. He didn’t think it would involve him staying the night, so now she has to bring that up as well. Just great. “Harry, you wouldn’t have to drive,” she says, hoping her tone gives away the real meaning behind her words.

“Oh,” Harry breathes out, clearly surprised. “Are you sure?”

“I am. So, bring whatever you like.”

“Alright. Great,” he says and she just knows he is grinning ear to ear. “Saturday it is then. Does lunch on Wednesday still stand?”

“Of course,” you chuckle. “See you later then.”

Annalise’s hand slides down her sides, smoothing the fabric softly on her frame, her eyes cautiously examining the outfit. She’s changed about three times now, feeling so nervous that she finds something in everything he puts on. She knows she is running out of time, but she still can’t put her critiques aside. She wants to look perfect for Harry.

At last, she forces herself to stay in the white satin dress that hugs her curves just perfectly. She doesn’t like it that her arms are on display, but since the oven has been on for hours now, the whole place feels so hot and she doesn’t want to sweat out of her clothes for sure. She quickly brushes her hair and fixes some smudged mascara off from under her eyes before shuffling into the kitchen to check the chicken in the oven. It’s coming together perfectly, the top is already starting to look nice and crisp, she’ll just give it a few more minutes before turning the heat off.

She puts on some soft music quietly to fill the silence, and quickly fixes the pillows on the couch just when the doorbell rings, making her jump a little. Taking a deep breath she rushes over and swings it open, revealing Harry standing on the doormat, wearing black and white checkered pants with a black button down shirt, the first few buttons left undone to give her a teasing look of his tattooed chest. He is holding two bottles of champagnes in his left hand as he smirks down at her.

“Hey, come in!” she breathes out in excitement.

“Hi,” he smiles and as he steps inside, he leans down, kissing her lips softly. “You look beautiful,” he compliments her, making her blush in a heartbeat.

“Thank you. You look nice too.” He nods smiling as she locks the door and turns to her holding the bottles up.

“Couldn’t really decide, so I brought a white and a red one.”

Her eyes fall on the bottles and though she is not an expert, she can tell those wines cannot be bought in a Tesco, they must cost a fortune.

“Harry you shouldn’t have—“ “None of that,” he cuts her off. “Just want you to have a nice evening, okay?”

Breathing out, her features softens as she steps closer and places a soft peck to his lips.

“Food is almost done. Would you mind helping me set the table?”

“Sure, lead the way.”

While Annalise takes the chicken out and finishes up the last touches, Harry sets the table carefully and opens one of the wines, filling two glasses. He helps her carry the food to the dining table and can’t help but notice how nervous she seems.

“Hey,” he softly says putting a hand to her knee gently as they sit at the table. “Stop worrying, okay? No pressure.” “I’m sorry, it’s just… been so long that I’ve been in this position,” she breathes out nervously.

“I just want you to have a good time, alright? I’m happy with just being around you, honestly.” “I hate how understanding you always are,” she chuckles and he raises his eyebrows at him.

“What do you mean?” he asks in amusement.

“It’s just… this voice in the back of my mind keeps telling me to keep my guards up, but you literally give me no reason to do that, being such a gentleman and all. So I’m having this… nonsense conflict with myself,” she admits chuckling. “Sorry, it doesn’t make sense.”

“No, I get it. Totally. I’m sorry that you feel that way and… I just want you to know that we have time. Whenever you finally let go of your doubts, I’ll be happy about it, but I’ll stay here in the meanwhile as well.”

For a moment, she feels like she is about to start crying. No one has ever made her feel this safe, especially not a man she was dating, but Harry managed to bring her this sense of comfort from the very first moment. Even when she was planning to never see him again, her heart was aching to leave such a wonderful man.

“Thank you,” she breathes out and leaning closer, she kisses him. It’s a longer one, but not too hard, more of a lingering touch of their lips. Harry’s hand reaches up to cup her face and as his thumb runs along her cheekbone a shiver runs down her spine.

Pulling back she takes a deep breath to settle herself in reality.

“Alright. Um… let’s eat, I’m starving.”

As the wine diminishes gradually, the more loose they both become, keeping up the conversation without any breaks. Nothing is off-topic, they can talk about anything and everything. Harry insists taking up on the washing duty, so while he is elbows deep in the sink, Lis stands next to her with a kitchen towel to dry the dishes. They both feel a little giddy, but thanks to the food, neither of them drunk just yet. It’s the perfect amount of tipsy, her cheeks are flushed and his fingertips are buzzing. The fear she felt earlier about where the night would head has slowly turned into pure desire. She wants this, she wants him, more than she has wanted anyone in her life.

“Thank you for the amazing food,” he murmurs once everything is spotless and clean. His hands find her waist, pulling her against his chest, her fingertips dance across his chest until they find the soft curls at the back of his neck.

“Mm, thanks for the amazing wine,” she comments cheekily, making him chuckle before he dips his head down and captures her lips in a sweet kiss.

It starts innocently, so light and delicate, but soon enough they both grow hungrier, needing more and more. His fingers dig into the small of her back, wrinkling the soft fabric of her dress as he turns them until she is trapped between him and the counter behind her. She buries her fingers into his hair, grabbing a handful in each hand, making him moan from the gentle tugging. He is quick to hoist her up, making her sit on the countertop and her knees part on their own, letting him stand close to her.

His lips travel down to her jawline, down her neck and delicate collarbone, leaving lustful kisses everywhere he can, making her get wetter with each touch he leaves on her soft skin.

“Harry,” she breathes out when his ring clad fingers dig into her thighs, pulling her forward so her center meets his hips and it’s clear just how excited he is about the situation.

“Tell me if you want me to stop,” he breathes out against her neck before his lips return to hers, kissing her harder than ever.

“Don’t fucking stop. Just… take this to the bedroom, yea?” she pants and he nods, pushing himself away a little so she can hop off the counter.

She leads the way up to the bedroom and though Harry would love to look around in this very intimate space of hers, he is a little too occupied at the moment. Before she could reach the bed he grabs the end of her dress and pulls it off swiftly, leaving her in her matching bra and thong, something she bought especially for this occasion.

“Lis, fuck,” he whines, so whipped by how amazing she looks.

“Let’s get rid of this as well,” she whispers, biting into her bottom lip as her fingers work fast on his buttons, the shirt soon joining her dress somewhere on the floor. She can’t stop herself from running her palms up and down his chest, feeling the heat of his body under her skin, making her lose her breath.

He grabs a hold of her thighs easily, earning a small squeak from her as he walks the rest of the way to the bed and throws her to it, getting on top of her without hesitation. His lips are quick to meet the soft skin on her neck once again, nipping it gently, making her back arch from sensation. The kisses wander down her collarbone, the swell of her breasts and he just can’t get enough of her. He is taking his time with the exposed skin, a hand sliding between her back and the mattress, working on the clasp.

“Is this okay?” he pants the question and she nods immediately. The clasp comes undone and she wiggles her shoulders until the straps slide down her arms. He is the one to grab the bra and throw it away. “Fuck, you are so beautiful,” he breathes out at the sight of her exposed chest, making her tremble from his words. She has never been so praised and appreciated before, Harry makes her feel like she really is the only woman to exist.

A hand comes up to cup her left breast while kissing her right one until his lips wrap around her pebbled nipple, sucking on it gently.

“Fuck! Yes!” she moans, her fingers lacing through his hair. She is completely lost in him, all she sees, hears and feels is Harry and at that moment she is convinced that it’s what has to happen. She wouldn’t be anywhere else with anyone else than him right now.

Grabbing onto his shoulders, she pulls him up so their lips meet again in a hungry, demanding kiss as her hands slide down to his pants, eager to get it undone as fast as possible. Once it’s done, he is quick to push them down his long legs, leaving him in only his boxer briefs, a moan escaping his pink, swollen lips when his erection meets her heated core once he is right above her.

That’s it. That’s the moment from where there’s no turning back, not that any of them want to, they are both so desperate to get closer, they wouldn’t want it to end for anything.

Her hands move down his chest until her fingers reach the elastic band of his underwear. She hooks her pointing fingers into it on both sides and just as she is about to pull them down, her phone starts ringing.

“Fuck,” she pulls away, her chest heaving wildly and he is just as big of a mess as she is. Reaching for the device on the nightstand, her eyes go wide seeing the caller. “Fuck, oh my God, I need to take this. It’s Sylvia, she is the mom where Benji is sleeping over,” she jabbers, grabbing the covers to pull over her chest out of instinct.

“Yeah, go ahead,” Harry nods, trying his best to catch his breath.

“Sylvia! Hi! Everything alright?” she starts answering the call.

“Hey, sorry to call you so late, but Benji is not feeling too good.”

“What? What’s wrong?”

“He says his tummy hurts, tried to give him some tea, but I didn’t know what kind of medicine you use, so I didn’t give him anything. He says he wants to go home.”

“Oh, shit. Okay, uh, I can’t drive, I’ve had some wine already,” she breathes out in frustration, feeling her panic taking over.

“Oh, it’s alright, Pete can take him home if it’s alright by you.”

“Yes, thank you so much! Thank you for calling!”

“It’s alright. I’ll get him ready and I think they’ll be home in about fifteen.”

“Thank you and sorry for the inconvenience,” she apologizes.

“Don’t worry about it. I hope he’ll feel better!”

The call ends, leaving Lis in a frantic state and Harry knows something is wrong.

“What happened?” he asks sitting up on the bed.

“I, uhh—Benji, he is not feeling well so the birthday kid’s dad is bringing him home,” she answers, already getting out of the bed, grabbing a sweatshirt and shorts from a pile of clothes near her wardrobe. “Shit,” she curses when she struggles to put on the sweatshirt, her arm getting stuck in it.

“Hey, slow down, it’s all fine. Go get whatever medicine he needs, can I help with anything?” Harry stands up, grabbing his clothes from the floor and he gets dressed as well.

“Um, there is a blue blanket he likes to sleep with when he is sick. Can you find that for me? It’s in there somewhere,” she gestures towards her wardrobe and Harry nods, starting his search right away. “Harry I’m so sorry, this—“

“Don’t worry about it. Just do what you need to do,” he shushes her and she sends him a thankful look before running out to get everything ready by the time Benji arrives.

Annalise is already outside when the car arrives, greeting Pete with soft thank you’s as she helps Benji out of the car. He looks tired and a frown tugs on his sweet features now, he clearly doesn’t feel well.

“Oh baby, come on,” she coos at him softly. “Thank you Pete!”

“No problem. Get well, Champ!” the man waves before them off before getting in the car and driving away.

“What hurts, Sweety?” she asks Benji as they walk inside.

“My tummy!” he whispers frowning.

“Alright, I’ll get you some medicine and then you can sleep, alright?”

“Harry?” he asks, looking a little surprised, finding the man standing in the kitchen, the blue blanket in his hands.

“Hi Benji. Not feeling good?” he asks softly, looking down at the little boy with nothing but patience and sympathy. Benji shakes his head pouting.

“Here,” Harry softly says and hands the boy the blanket, who mumbles a soft thank you.

“Mummy, can I sleep with you?” he pleads looking up at Lis.

“Yeah, of course, come on. Let’s get you settled.” She gives him his medication, gets him changed and makes him comfortable in her bed, tucked in his blue blanket.

“I’ll be right back, okay?” she whispers softly, kissing his forehead. He nods into the pillow, already drifting off to sleep. Walking out she closes the door quietly, heading back down where Harry is sitting at the kitchen island. He hears her footsteps and he stands up from the stool, feeling a little lost after everything that just happened.

“I’m so sorry, I wasn’t expecting it,” she apologizes right away, but he shakes his head.

“Don’t worry. How is he?”

“We’ll see in the morning. Maybe he just ate something that upset his stomach.”

“That’s good,” he nods, brushing his palms down his thighs. “I’ll, um, call a taxi and leave—“

“Don’t!” she finds herself replying right away, surprising the both of them. “I-I… I don’t want you to leave, I just…”

“I could… stay on the couch,” he offers, eyes softening on her. “If it’s alright for me to still spend the night.”

“Of course. I want you here. I’m sorry our night got ruined.”

“Don’t even say that.” He takes her hands and pulls her closer, wrapping his arms around her hunched frame.

“I just… I’m sorry, this is… This is my life, and—“

“I know,” he cuts her off. “And honestly, I’m fine with it, okay? Don’t worry about me. Benji needed you, we’ll have another time to ourselves, alright? I loved tonight nevertheless, don’t try to convince yourself otherwise.”

She nods quietly, his lips meet her forehead before she tilts her head back and kisses him.

“It’s a pullout. I’ll get you a pillow and a blanket,” she tells him. While she gathers the necessities, he moves the small coffee table aside and pulls the couch out. Annalise brings him everything he needs and makes sure he is at least comfortable now that he was forced to spend the night in the living room.

“Thank you for being so understanding,” she whispers, kissing him one last time.

“Always,” he murmurs, his nose nudging against hers playfully. “Good night.”

“Good night, Harry.”

With one last peck she leaves. Benji is all curled up in her bed and as she lies beside him, her thoughts relentlessly go out to the man sleeping on the couch right now. Even with the unpleasant turn of events, tonight has been everything she could dream of. If only they had more time alone…

Benji is still asleep, spread out on the bed when Annalise wakes up. Rubbing her eyes she sees that it’s only barely past eight, so Benji will be asleep a little longer for sure. She carefully gets out of the bed and ties her hair up, trying her best to tame her messy locks. When she walks out of the room she hears glasses clinking downstairs and arriving to the kitchen she is surprised to see Harry there, deep in focus as he is trying to figure out how to make the coffee machine work.

“Morning!” she smiles walking inside. He turns in the direction of her voice, a smile playing on his pink lips. He is wearing the same clothes as last night, but his hair is now messy, eyes a little puffy from his sleep.

“Hey! Sorry for barging into the kitchen alone, just wanted to make some coffee.”

“It’s alright,” she smiles back and stepping closer she steals a quick kiss. “Let me help.”

The two of them move around each other, Harry finishes up the coffees after Lis has showed him how to make the machine work, and in the meanwhile she makes some toasties quickly. Then they sit at the kitchen island, eating silently and appreciating this moment they have to themselves in the morning.

“Lis, I wanted to talk about something.”

“Yeah?” she turns to him, sipping on her coffee.

“I’m… flying to LA in two days.”

She stops chewing as his words sink in. All this time she almost completely forgot that Harry’s life is not always based in London. They were just lucky enough to have some time to themselves with him staying in the same place for a longer time.

“Oh. Okay.”

“It’s gonna be two weeks. I have some important meetings and stuff to take care of.”

“Sure, understandable.”

He puts his mug down and turns to her fully. She does the same, their eyes meeting and they both seem anxious and fragile in the moment. Reaching out he takes her hands between his warm palms, giving them a gentle squeeze.

“I want you to know that while I’ll be away, I will… I won’t be…” He doesn’t seem to find the right words and she finds it cute, a smile tugging on her lips. “Fuck, what I’m trying to say is that I think of us as… that we are exclusive. This is what I’m trying to say, that I won’t be… looking for someone else?”

“You are so cute when you are nervous,” she chuckles.

“Sorry, it always feels so weird to talk about this kind of stuff,” he admits breathing out shakily. “But anyway, this was my way of saying that I see us as a… couple.”

“That’s cool, because I see us the same way,” she smiles. “And I’m glad you won’t be looking for someone else in LA,” she adds chuckling, making him laugh as well.

“I’m sorry I need to leave though,” he breathes out, his hands finding her knees. His fingers start drawing little circles to her exposed skin.

“It’s fine, I understand,” she smiles gently. It’s not that she likes the idea of him being so far away, but just like she has her own baggage, he comes with his own as well and she is more than ready to accept him just as he is.

Leaning in he kisses her lips softly and just as he is about to drag it out a little, footsteps are heard from the stairs and he leans back just in time before Benji appears.

“Hey baby. Feeling better?”

“Yes. I’m hungry!” he states, climbing to the third stool at the kitchen island. “Hi Harry,” he nods in his way, not even caring about why he is here in the morning.

“Mornin’ Benji,” he smirks at the boy as Lis goes to make some more toasties for him.

Following breakfast Benji is off to clean up his room a little, so Harry and Lis have some alone time. Annalise walks Harry out to his car and they stop before he would get inside, turning to Lis for a kiss.

“Stay safe, okay? Need you back in one piece,” she tells him, feeling shy, but warm at the same time from being able to say that to him.

“Oh you do?” he smirks down at her teasingly, kissing her softly as his hands find her waist, pulling her close to him.

“I do,” she smiles. “So, see you in two weeks?”

“Yeah. I’ll call you though. Thanks for the breakfast.”

He presses one last kiss to her lips, forcing himself not to drag it any longer because if he did, he knows he won’t be able to leave anytime soon. She steps away from the car as he gets in, smiling at each other through the window before he starts the car. She watches him drive away with a heavy heart, thinking about how hard it will be to not see him for two weeks. But there’s nothing she can do about it.

Harry has always felt like he had different lives in different cities. He is like another man in London, in New York and in LA, the three cities where he mostly spends his time. It’s not exactly a change in him whenever he is in another place, more like the people that surround him and he hasn’t had any hustle switching whenever he was traveling.

However, for the first time in years, he finds himself being an outsider in LA, his heart lusting to go back to London, to Annalise.

One meeting follows the other, he has a few fittings and an interview as well, joined with a photoshoot. He finds himself rather lucky to be so busy, otherwise he would surely feel the homesick kicking in harder than ever. He hasn’t had any problem with it since he was nineteen, he has gotten used to living all over the place. It took him quite some time to accept that he has to be away with his mum and sister, but now he has to go over the same thing with Annalise, knowing that she won’t be able to travel with him, but still, he is planning on the long run with her, so he has no other choice than get used to it.

The bar is packed, after all it’s a Friday night. That’s exactly why Harry didn’t want to come out, but he was kind of forced. Sitting in the corner of the booth he is trying to let loose and enjoy his time with his friends, nursing a beer that’s been sitting on the table in front of him for a while now.

When Jeff returns from the call he had to make quickly outside, he eyes Harry suspiciously. It’s not like him to be so closed off and distant, he is usually the first one to ask for a round of shots, but not tonight.

“Everything alright, mate?” he asks grabbing Harry’s attention.

“Yeah, everything’s fine.” “So why the long face then?”

“Just… not in the mood, I guess,” he shrugs it off, but he can’t fool someone who has known him as long as Jeff.

“Okay, does this have anything to do with the songs you’ve been writing?”

“Who told you?” he smirks in disbelief as Jeff takes a sip from his beer.

“Mitch might be quiet, but he surely likes to gossip,” he chuckles lightly. “So, who is the girl?”

“Met her on New Year’s Eve. Thought I would never see her again, but then we ran into each other and… I haven’t stopped thinking about her since then,” he truthfully admits. “She is the most amazing woman I’ve ever met, Jeff. So not like anyone else I’ve ever known.”

“Woah, she really got you.”

“Yeah,” he nods chuckling. “I’m just so afraid of messing it up.”

“Why would you? It sounds like it’s heading in the right direction.”

“She… She has a kid so it’s a little complicated. I just really don’t want to mess anything up, because it would be twice as bad. I would hate to know I disappointed Benji.”

“Wait, so you met the kid too?”

“I did, he is a fun little guy,” he chuckles thinking back at the time he has spent with Benji. From the time they played UNO at his house, through the football game Harry went to just as he promised, all the way to when he took Benji and Lis to their favorite pizza place one afternoon when Lis told Harry through the phone that he’s had a shitty day. Harry didn’t hesitate to end his meeting a little early just so he could pick them up and take them to their favorite place for a slice. He will never forget the shine in both Benji’s and Annalise’s eyes that day. Right then he knew he would do anything for the both of them without a second thought. The fact that he was falling for Lis faster and deeper than ever kind of scares him, but he is ready to give the feeling everything he has.

“Man, you are whipped!” Jeff chuckles leaning back in his seat. “Should I be planning your hiatus?” he asks half-jokingly, though they both know if Harry were to decide to take some time off, Jeff would support him no matter what’s the reason behind it.

“No, not yet. We are still just trying to make it work,” Harry smiles at him, just the thought of being an official couple with Lis makes his heart beat ten times faster.

“Look, just make sure you communicate. You know you sometimes suck in that, but I think that’s what she needs the most.” “Yeah, I know.”

“She is responsible for a kid too, she needs to know exactly what you think, she probably doesn’t have any time or energy to play games.”

“I don’t want to play games with her.”

“Great. Then use your head, think and then talk. It can’t turn out too bad if you follow these easy steps.”

Harry nods, taking a mental note, hoping he won’t forget about the advice when he needs it the most.

The conversation around them carries on and Jeff soon abandons their discussion, leaving Harry with his own thoughts. He has been thinking about Annalise continuously ever since he left her house that morning and his time apart from her just made him realize how deeply he feels for her truly. Every second, every minute, he just wants to know what she’s doing and if she’s alright. Their little FaceTime calls have been his favorite parts of his days and in all honesty, he can’t wait to get back to London and hold her in his arms.

Excusing himself from his group of friends, he walks out of the bar to the street, finding himself a secluded spot on the corner. He does some quick math in his head coming to the conclusion that she is probably already up, getting ready for work, so he decides to just call her without texting first. Luckily, Annalise has been up for a while when the call arrives, a wide smile tugging on her lips as she answers it right away.

“Hey!” she greets him, her voice alone warms his chest.

“Hi, I didn’t wake you, right?”

“No, I just finished my morning coffee. Where are you?”

“Just out with a few friends.”

“So then why are you calling me?” she chuckles softly.

“Because… I missed your voice, so I called you,” he admits a little shyly, a blush warming his cheeks that she can’t see now, unfortunately. “I miss you.”

“Miss you too, Harry. But you’ll be back soon, right?”

“Yes. I can’t wait to see you again and kiss you again.”

“Why are you being so cheesy all of a sudden?” she laughs, but secretly, she loves knowing he feels the same way as she does.

“Sometimes I’m cheesy. You don’t like it?” he smirks, hearing her laugh through the line.

“I like it, don’t worry.”

“How was your day yesterday?” he asks and then he just listens to her talking.

With a crowded bar behind him, a group of people waiting for his return, he still stays outside listening to Annalise tell him about the smallest things that happened to her lately. And he loves every second of it. If only she didn’t have to leave to work, he would willingly and happily stay there and talk to her for hours.

“Alright, I need to help Benji get ready. Talk to you later?”

“Yeah, tell Benji I said hi.”

“Will do. Take care!”

“You too. Bye.”

As the call ends, he stays put for a little longer, opening up his camera roll, scrolling down a little until he finds the photo he took of Lis at one of their lunch dates. She is laughing wholeheartedly, wearing her scrubs and an oversized zip-up hoodie, cheeks slightly blushed from something he said. He hasn’t been the kind to set up personal photos as his lockscreen, but looking at this picture the urge is stronger than ever, though he knows he can’t. Fans are always so eagle-eyed when it comes to paparazzi photos, he doesn’t want them to start speculating if they accidentally get a glimpse of his screen. Instead, he opens up his text thread with Lis and types her a quick message.

Harry: Miss you. Have a great day Xx.

Just a few moments later comes her reply.

Lis: Miss you too, can’t wait to see you again :)

Lis: Harry, forgot I had a parents’ meeting in Benji’s school tomorrow. Can’t make it to the airport :(

Harry: Don’t worry about it. When will you be off?

Lis: God knows… these stuff last forever ugh

Harry: Just text me whenever it ended and I can come over or something

Lis: Will do and I’m so sorry!

Harry: It’s all good :)

Harry can’t help but sigh as he rereads the texts he exchanged just before his plane took off. He was really looking forward to meet Lis as soon as she got off work, but her parental duties come first as always and though he knows she can’t do anything about it, the situation still upsets him. He had a dinner reservation for the two of them since she said Benji would stay over at Chloé’s for the night, giving the whole evening and night to them, but it all just went down the drain when her text found him while he was packing to leave.

When the plane touches down and Harry makes his way through the terminal, he still finds himself looking around, hoping to see Annalise’s bright eyes, though he sees nothing but strangers around him.

Arriving home he breezes through the packing quite fast since he has been doing it a lot in the past decade. He makes a quick trip to the nearby Tesco to fill up his fridge and he buys some snacks in hopes Lis will call soon and he can be over so they can watch a movie and hopefully stay unbothered for the rest of the night.

Around seven, he shoots her a quick what’s up? text that stays unanswered, but also unread. He figures she is still stuck at the meeting so he tries to make himself busy with sorting out some emails he has been delaying to answer to in the past two days. Hour passes after hour and Harry’s hope to see Lis slowly starts to vanish. When the clock strikes nine he figures she won’t be calling anytime soon since it’s a weekday and he knows she doesn’t like staying up late when she has work the next day.

He is just about to give up on the waiting and take a shower, get ready to bed when his phone finally chimes. He basically throws himself at it, opening it faster than light.

Lis: let me in? :)

He stares down at the screen a tad bit longer, his breath caught in his throat as he realizes that he should do something. Dropping the phone to the couch he rushes to the front door, seeing her standing at the gate through the security cameras, so he quickly opens it for her, throwing the door open.

Lis walks up to the house with rushed steps, both of them smiling widely and Harry still can’t believe she just showed up.

“What happened to texting me when you’re done?” he asks in disbelief.

“Thought I would surprise you,” she giggles just as they meet halfway and Harry doesn’t hesitate to envelope her in his arms, lips pressing to hers so hard she bends backwards, right into his hands that press into her waist.

“I’m proper surprised, baby,” he smirks against her lips, making her chuckle.

“Yeah? Do you want to be even more surprised?” Harry’s eyebrows rise.

“Always.”

“I’m wearing a corset and tights under this,” she whispers in excitement and his eyes light up like it’s Christmas day.

Without a word he picks her up, throwing her over his shoulder to bring her inside, she laughs loudly, feeling like a rag doll, but she doesn’t mind it a bit. Not tonight.

When the front door closes behind them and her feet meet the floor again, he stares down at her with pure lust and hunger in his eyes. She is wearing a little black dress with a thin trench coat on top, paired with nude heels, her hair is pinned up with a hairclip and she is wearing only a thin layer of makeup, barely anything. Harry looks down at her and thinks to himself: he will never find another woman like her. Not that he wants to.

“Before we do anything, let me set an alarm, because I won’t be thinking about it once I get started with you. When do you need to leave in the morning to pick Benji up before work?” he asks, quickly shuffling into the living room to grab his phone from the coffee table.

“We don’t need an alarm,” she softly says, making him arch his eyebrows. “Benji is staying at Chloé’s and she is taking him to school as well and I have the day off tomorrow.”

“Really?” he asks, stunned that they have a whole day to themselves.

“Yeah. I just need to pick Benji up from school in the afternoon.”

“What months is this?” he then suddenly asks, earning a puzzled look from Annalise.

“Um, what?”

“Just asking because I’m pretty sure it must be the 1st of February and my fucking birthday to have you all to myself for this long,” he states and she can’t help but laugh at him. Walking over to him, she grabs the phone from his hands and tosses it to the couch beside them before curling her arms around his neck, pressing her body up against his hard chest.

“Consider this a late birthday gift, if you’d like. We weren’t too close back then, so I wasn’t able to give you anything.”

“You mean you were trying to keep yourself away from me back then, right?” he teases her, but she just rolls her eyes at his comment.

“You want me to keep myself away from you now, Styles?” she cheekily challenges and he shakes his head immediately, hands latching onto her waist to keep her close in case she wants to move away.

“Not at all. In fact, let’s just get rid of this quickly,” he mumbles, hands working fast to slip the coat off her shoulders and then he simply grabs the hem of her dress and pulls it up with a swift movement, leaving her in said corset with a matching set of lingerie. His lips part and he almost gasp at how amazing she looks, even though she feels a little shy in this revealing outfit.

“Thank God for whoever invented corsets,” he mumbles under his breath, eyes glued to her body as she chuckles lightly.

“You gotta help me get out of it though, it needs more than two hands,” she admits stepping closer to kiss his lips shortly.

“Wait, then who helped you put it on?” he asks, feeling his possessive side kick in immediately.

“It was just Chloé. She also didn’t hold back the teasing about me finally getting railed tonight,” she adds with an awkward chuckle. She is not used to talking about sex this openly, especially since she hasn’t done it in ages. Following their failed attempt last time, she’s been stressing even more about her first time with Harry. He has been nothing but the best to her in every sense, she just wants to show him how much it means to her, make him feel good and treat him like he deserves to be treated.

The way she just openly said that she is about to get railed by him does some unholy things to him, though he can’t not notice the hint of anxiousness in her eyes. Cupping her cheeks in his hands he lifts her head up so she is forced to look into his eyes.

“You alright? Are you sure about this?” he asks softly, wanting nothing else than to make her feel safe around him.

“I am. It’s just been a while since I was with someone. I don’t want to… disappoint you.” Her voice dies into a whisper and she licks her dry lips, her nerves taking over her. Harry smiles down at her softly.

“You can never disappoint. Just be honest and open with me, yeah? I want you to enjoy it as much as I will. Tell me what you like and want and I’ll do all that. I’ll do the same, deal?”

A sense of relief washes over her, knowing that she has found the man she’s been looking for so long and he is right there in front of her, ready to please her. Nodding her head shortly she takes a deep breath.

“Harry?” she whispers.

“Yeah?”

“I want… you to take me up to your bedroom,” she tells him and he doesn’t need more. His hands move down to the back of her thigh as he urges her to jump. Her legs wrap around his waist as her lips crash down against his in a passionate, meaningful kiss while he walks up to his bedroom, shutting the world out and giving all of him to the woman he is falling hard for.

NEXT PART (coming on 6th of february)

TAGLIST

let me know if you’d like to be added or taken off!

@stylesfics-xx @dontworrysunflower @mariamuses @bookwormandtea @swtxel @ericadrumgoole1

#harry #styles #harry styles #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles fanfic #harry styles imagine #harry styles fluff #harry styles au #harry styles oneshot #harry styles one shot #harry styles x oc #harry styles series #harry styles serendipity #harry styles serendipity series #serendipity #serendipity series

200 notes · View notes

letters-from-the-three-houses · 5 years

Note

GODDD I /LOVE/ your edelgard x dimitri stuff so much omfg... all this potential for tenderness and angst between these two is just so *chefs kiss* im shy but can i request a deeper look into what edelgard might like about dimitri (physical, personality, etc) i imagine being the heiress makes her a bit detached, and she never got to feel like a normal girl with a crush... let her love and my poor soft boy be appreciated

thank you!!!! i’m grateful for the praise, anon, but that explanation of yours is a chef’s kiss all to itself! claude would know and he would be entertained by it. in the original draft of the other post, i said he’d think of eddie/dimitri as his favourite source of melodrama, but i got rid of it bc it didn’t flow well with the rest of the hcs

this turned out to be longer than i expected (holy smokes), so thank goodness the read more finally works again

enjoy!

p.s. for those who don’t know yet, it’s currently my fourth favourite season of the year—midterm season—hence why the blog’s been running slow these days. i’ll be back to normal speed once the second week of july rolls around. so just in time for the two week countdown! i’ll still doing my best to work on requests in my spare time, but studying’s important and i’m going to get me some good grades 🕶️

edelgard’s initial impression of him was that he was much too like herself

with a slight frown and a straight stature, he looked regal, imposing, and dignified

calculating and cool, wary and doubting

she could see herself in him and it put her on her guard

so when she introduced herself for the first time, she made sure to act as aloof at possible

“i am edelgard von hresvelg,” she said, a hand on her chest as she bowed. “it’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance, prince dimitri”

she expected him to do the same, a well-practiced propriety that only the heir of faerghus could have

so when he grinned, she froze

“well met,” he told her, genuity dripping from his voice. “but really, the honour is entirely mine. i’ve heard only the best things about you, and though i had no doubt they were true, your prowess against those bandits only solidified the claim”

it made her more uneasy than she’d admit, but she masked her discomfort with a passive expression

and during their entire trip to the monastery, she stole secret glances his way, still confused and trying to understand their interaction

whenever he caught her eye, he simply smiled and nodded at her

it was all so baffling

and it bugged her so much that when they were already in the academy, she continued her habit of studying him

she couldn’t understand how someone so…innocent could make it this far on their own

she got her answer one day when she found him laughing and joking around with his housemates

and realization clicked

there, she thought

he could act so open because he believed he had people he could trust to watch his back

and for a moment, all she felt was pity

it was foolish of him

naive

didn’t he know that putting too much faith in someone made it easier for them to stab you in the back?

whenever he was around, she couldn’t help but watch him—like she was waiting for a train wreck to happen

surely this would all fall apart

sooner or later, his so-called ‘friends’ would show their true selves and intentions

but no matter how long she waited, nothing happened

and she began to think

maybe

just maybe

his housemates really treated him like he hasn’t the prince of faerghus

but instead, like he has their equal

like he was just…him

the idea was rather foreign to her, but if she was being fully honest, it was intriguing

she still thought it was unwise

but she was curious to know how it was possible

was it something about dimitri in particular? or was it perhaps because the people in faerghus were just more trusting in nature?

she wondered what it’d be like if adrestia was like that

(and at that, she shook her head and forced herself to turn away)

(nonsense; that line of thinking would surely get her into trouble)

(and yet, she couldn’t help but sneak another glance, watching the way his face brightened when he laughed)

because of interest, or perhaps habit—what else would it be?—she continued studying his every move and mannerism

whenever she talked with him, she memorized his expressions

in an argument, his brows pinched together as he frowned, showing every crease and wrinkle of disagreement

when he was taken aback, pale skin giving way to a warm blush, he stuttered and stumbled on his words

when she quipped a joke, rare as it was, his eyes shone in awe, mouth slightly ajar, before he schooled his features into a smile

it was hard to look away from

and the image of him, light and happy, would remain at the forefront of her mind for the rest of the day

from then on, she sometimes daydreamed about him

reimagining the emotions that would flit on his face

and how, even if he’d try to hide them, they would bleed through with his bad acting

how he’d try to pretend he hadn’t just jumped five feet in the air in surprise

or how he’d clear his throat to divert the attention from his reddening ears

she’d breathe out a laugh before realizing what she was doing, and she’d snap out of it to redirect her thoughts elsewhere

it didn’t stop people from noticing

whenever she was in that mood, staring out into space with a pensive look, hubert would ask, “my lady, are you alright?”

and she’d jolt back to her senses, replying with a “most certainly” before going back to her book

or petra would look on, quizzical at edelgard’s constant sighing, and say, “distraction by something, lady edelgard?”

“no,” she’d say after a moment’s pause. “it’s nothing. sorry, petra, what were you saying about practice?”

it was rather subtle, but the moments and slip ups compounded as the days went on, and the eagles were all worried about what was happening

they finally realized what it was during one of the house tournaments

usually, when the match was against the deer, edelgard would study her housemate’s every move, noting any mistakes and areas for improvement that she’d touch upon later

but when it was against the lions, their leader seemed almost…expectant?

even when the match was bernadetta vs. mercedes—and edelgard was taking careful consideration to make sure bernadetta got the encouragement she needed

her gaze would keep sliding over

so, following edelgard’s line of sight, they noticed she was looking at dimitri

dorothea gasped

caspar elbowed linhardt so hard he almost toppled over

hubert and petra blinked in realization

and ferdinand, disgusted, had a look on his face that said, ‘out of all the people she could have chosen, she chose him? seriously?’

but they watched in silence, eyes flitting back and forth between the two leaders

meanwhile, edelgard was unaware of what was going on behind her

and when bernadetta won, she stiffened as dimitri came over to relay his congratulations

he grinned, almost cheeky. “as expected from your members, edelgard. after all, they learn from the best”

she stared for a moment, a bubbly feeling rising up in her stomach, before she turned her gaze to the training grounds. “yes, quite. you’d best keep up lest you get left in the dust”

“of course. i suspect we’ll be training hard for the next few weeks.” he laughed and it was light, like cold air on a winter’s morning. “still, it’s no loss to lose to you”

her eyes flashed at that, ready to retort

was that an insult?

was he implying they were too insignificant to even be considered proper opponents?

but when she focused on him, she stopped, the argument dying on her lips

because once again, dimitri was staring at her with an earnestness that told her he had utmost faith in her abilities

again, he didn’t bother to hide the full extent of his feelings

but unlike the first time, it didn’t make her uncomfortable

instead, it made her feel…warm?

almost happy?

she softened, about to respond in kind when she realized what was happening

and she hardened her expression before clipping out, “then i suppose matches aren’t the only thing you’ll lose, if your pride has already slipped from you. farewell”

then she turned around, calling to her house to tell them they were leaving

(caspar almost screamed, “what are you doing?!” but linhardt clamped a hand over his mouth)

for the next few days, the eagles secretly monitored edelgard, noting the times when she stopped in her tracks to stare at something

or when her lips would twitch upwards

or when she’d look almost…longing

and they would find dimitri in the area

but whenever they tried to subtly talk about it—"so, have you been thinking about anyone lately?“—edelgard would look at them like she didn’t understand

finally, it dawned on them: he was her first crush

(ferdinand sighed and said it wasn’t worth the effort, but dorothea dragged him along anyway and told him it was for the greater good)

they began to be more overt, name dropping dimitri into conversations and saying good things about him

“he’s talented and smart. he gets top marks in his house, doesn’t he?”

“yeah. and he certainly doesn’t slack off in training”

“he’s also really considerate! just the other day, i saw him help someone who tripped and had all their books flying all over the place. when they tried to apologize to him, he said it was no trouble and even offered to carry some of their stuff to their next class”

“huh, he’s pretty cool”

edelgard would nod along, a smile playing on her face as she felt proud that people were acknowledging his strong qualities

one day, they asked back, “what do you think about him?”

and she stopped in her tracks, heart in staccato, as she simply said, “he’s much too nice for his own good”

too trusting

too honest

too expressive

she thought of his eyes, always crinkled at the corners when he looked at her

his voice, smooth and velvety, when he leaned over to speak in her ear

his awe, clear and evident, when he praised her for her hard work

it made her insides all warm and fuzzy, but she didn’t say that out loud

(it was hard for the others to really guess what she meant by that, though they supposed her wistful tone was answer enough)

and they continued upping their game so she could finally realize that she liked him as more than a friend

dorothea lent her some romance novels, making her listen to explanations of how wonderful it would be to fall in love, all the while ranting about the symptoms that edelgard herself had shown

“sneaking glances when you think they aren’t looking, holding your breath when they get too close to you, straightening your clothes when you see them at a distance—”

caspar would try to make her jealous by relaying gossip about the other people dimitri was close with

“his childhood friends must know a whole lot about him! do you think they have some embarrassing stories they can share?”

bernadetta, cooking way too many extra sweets, would say, “maybe you could give this to someone you know? there are too many to eat by myself…”

(edelgard shared it with the rest of her housemates first, then the professors, then claude, then dimitri, who gave her such a sweet smile in return that her skin turned warm)

(her housemates only shook their heads and sighed, but at least it was progress)

(and by this point, claude picked up the signals, sending the eagles a thumbs up in solidarity to tell them he’d do his part whenever he could)

it almost seemed hopeless, really, because edelgard just didn’t seem to understand her own feelings

but claude would have none of it

and instead of all the secretive mumbo jumbo, he went straight for the kill

“hey,” he whispered one day, after one of the interlord meetings, “do you like dimitri?”

she glanced at him, then the boy in question. her heart pattered at the word ‘like’. “of course i do. don’t you?”

“that’s not what i meant. i meant, you know—” he leaned in like he was going to tell her a secret, eyebrows wiggling all the while. “—romantically”

she almost choked. “what?”

the outburst caused dimitri to look at them, concerned, the question on his face asking, ‘are you okay?’

and she nodded at him, a bit embarrassed, before turning back to claude. “where did that come from?” she hissed under her breath

he chuckled. “don’t tell me you thought i didn’t notice. you sneak glances whenever you think he isn’t looking and you hang onto every word he says. it’s pretty obvious”

“what does that have to do with me liking him like…that?”

“um, because people who like someone act just like that? so you like him?”

“that’s…that’s nonsense”

he slung his arm over her shoulders. “oh come on, eddie—”

“don’t call me that”

“—i know you’re smarter than that. you’ve probably already figured it out but you just don’t want to admit it. ’course, i’d be bummed out myself if i found out i had a crush on our resident noodle boy—”

“don’t call him that”

he eyed her glare with amusement. “wow,” he chirped, “i knew it was bad, but i didn’t know it was this bad”

“is something the matter?” dimitri called from the other side. “the two of you have been whispering furiously to yourselves this past little while, and it’s showing no signs of stopping.” he frowned and tilted his head. “is it something i should know about?”

claude grinned. “yeah, definitely, we were talking about—”

“claude!”

“—the fine intricacies of human emotion. fascinating subject. very deep. the two of you should discuss it sometime”

then, with a wink and an exaggerated wave, he said “ciao!” and made a speedy getaway

whether it was because of the awkward conversation she just had or because of the fact that dimitri made his way to stand much too close to her, she couldn’t get the heat off of her face

“that was odd,” he said. “though to be fair, he’s always weird”

“quite,” she mumbled

he sent her a sheepish look. “i’ll apologize on his behalf”

“it’s not you who should be sorry. you don’t even know what you’re saying it for”

“yes, but it’s for the discomfort you felt. it’s not something i enjoy seeing on your face”

why was he so nice? claude’s words repeated over and over and over again

“thank you then.” she tried to keep her voice even. “i appreciate it”

he returned it with a soft smile. “it was the least i could do for you,” he told her, voice no louder than a murmur, and all she could do was curl her toes. “well, i best be going. i won’t be able to win against you if i idle around, yes?”

you don’t have to, she wanted to say. you could stay here with me

instead, she nodded. “of course.” and in spite of herself: “do try your best, dimitri, but i’m afraid the future is already set in stone”

it was playful, a rarity from her, and his eyes widened for a moment before he laughed. “then i suppose i’m unfortunate enough to attempt defying the fates.” he bowed, low, with only the deepest of respect in his stance. “until then, my lady”

when he left, her mind raced through all that had been said and done

from the moment she had laid eyes on him

to her growing fondness

to her housemate’s hints and claude’s words

to now, heart beating wildly against her chest

she couldn’t deny it any longer

she liked him

and for the first time in her life, within the quiet walls of a room she had all to herself

away from the eyes

away from the judgments

away from the adrestian throne

she let herself grin silly

a/n: dimitri is unknowingly smooth. but for everyone’s sake, do not tell him how smooth he is. because once you do, he becomes way too self-conscious about it and turns into a bumbling mess

[asks are open!]

#fire emblem three houses #fe16 #fe3h #edelgard von hresvelg #dimitri alexandre blaiddyd #black eagles #claude von riegan #headcanons #asks #anon #prerelease

53 notes · View notes

mentalcurls · 6 years

Text

9. Se vi faccio a tutti così schifo

Episode 9 of the Skam Italia S1 analysis! We’re almost at the end of the season already. This time, read my rants about a mysterious guy called Magistrali, Marti and Eva’s friendship and my refuted headcanons. As usual the Bechdel test result are at the end!

“What are you doing?” Silvia is all of us

girls, if only Eva has an headache, how on earth would you all be able to determine whether Sana’s doorkeeper’s technique works or not?

also, Sana has a doorkeeper, which points to 💰💰💰 just like Marisol does for the Fareses

Eva is caught off guard by Silvia’s question just like she was in ep.8 by her mother’s question: she genuinely forgot about the Edoardo thing, she must be focused on school, Giovanni and avoiding the worst consequence of the narrative of the cheating whore that has spread about her at school; on top of that, she expected Eleonora’s reaction when Edoardo followed her on IG and DMed her, which is why she warned her (see the messages from May 18th), not from Silvia who has no reason to know anything

except that Silvia is super aware of the social situation at school, so of course she’s always up to date with all the gossip that goes around, she was the one to tell the girls Federico had cheated on Alice, remember? And if it hadn’t been for the thing with Edoardo, she would have been the one to know about Alice hitting Federico during gym class in ep.7

EVA! Oh, darling,when Silvia asks what you and Edoardo talked about, you can’t look at Eleonora (even though she knows what you talked about) and then pretend you don’t remember! Eva is so bad at lying OMG

Silvia’s bullshit-o-meter is good, running smoothly and perfectly calibrated, except she only uses it when it suits her: she mostly doesn’t want to acknowledge it, like with Laura in ep.1 or with Edoardo, because it confirms all her worst fears about herself, that the popular people she admires so much don’t want her in their midst, on their level; but here Eva has a super low social standing (especially now) so Silvia has no problem confronting her about lying

it’s laundry day and all the dirty secrets that were on the bottom of the closets are being aired out

so on Monday May 14th there was the discussion with Laura outside of Eva’s classroom, which Silvia saw, and Eva gave her a super evasive explanation; on Friday May 18th Edoardo gave Eva a lift; now it’s Monday 21st and Silvia talked to Laura the night before: she clearly wasn’t convinced by Eva’s words from the beginning, but did at what point did the mysterious Magistrali tell her about Eva and Edo? Was it before she talked to Laura, was that the last straw? Or did Silvia talk to Laura first, and then spoke to Magistrali that day at school? Cause those are pretty different situations

btw if you check the chats, Silvia is suspiciously absent from the group chat that weekend, which would point more towards the first case, but if so then Magistrali must have contacted her specifically to tell her about seeing Eva with Edo during the weekend

who’s this Magistrali guy btw? Who is he for Silvia to trust him as a solid source? Who is he to be interested and involved in the whole drama with Silvia and Edoardo, how does he know?

on top of that, I get Silvia believing Laura, she had and has a lot of sway over Silvia, but why does she unquestioningly believe Magistrali? A guy? Who we never heard of before? Instead of her girls?? Lots of questions, no answers

hate to agree with Edoardo Incanti himself, but Silvia should really not blindly trust all the rumors

Sana is so fiercely loyal, she’s literally a lioness with her cubs when it comes down to her friends

and just like Ele she does not stand for her friends being insulted because of their sex lives with misogynistic words infused with patriarchal connotations

even when Silvia is faced with evidence that she should not believe everything she hears when she hears the full story of the incident at Chicco Rodi’s party from Sana, she still only begins to doubt that Laura is the one holding all the truths

the thing is, if Eva went with Edo, that puts Silvia, in her mind, in the same position and at the same level as Laura, so it’s a chance to get back to a higher level of popularity, cause Silvia’s reputation has been dragged in the mud because of her confronting Edo about the wall of shame and because of her association with Eva; little does it matter that Laura and everyone else doesn’t see it that way, cause Silvia was only dating Edoardo in her mind and because it’s not like a boy cheating on you automatically makes you as popular as another, cooler girl who was cheated on as well

Silvia’s mind is so convoluted, I blame you entirely, Francesca Mirabella (not true, there are definitely some problems with the parenting there too)

“Shit, you’re my friend, I’d never do that to you” because Laura wasn’t your friend Eva? I get you’re word vomiting anything that comes to mind that might help you, but this really doesn’t

“SilviaH, mi credi?” should have prepared us for “MartinoH, guardami MartinoH”

Eleonora’s incredulous head shake

Sana and Eleonora are Eva’s real Parent Friends with the looks™, just look at Sana sigh then look at Ele and then at Eva

there is a pretty high chance that Silvia is the one that mobilized Federica to find out why they weren’t invited to the end-of-school party, I mean, she already had her Revenge Dress™ ready, she had been thinking about it three weeks earlier cause that was gonna be her 1994!Diana moment with Edoardo

would you look at that? Martino, who snubbed Rocco Martucci’s party, still knows enough to be able to tell Eva a) who’s organizing the party b) that Maria is Alice’s best friend c) that the whole Federico debacle is the reason for the missed invite

I don’t know what hurts more: Marti’s “Scusami” after Eva’s tirade or Eva’s “No, I’m sorry, I’m not mad at you”

I NEED TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THIS FRIENDSHIP! I can’t decide how long Marti and Eva have been friends, if it started when they were kids, kind of like with Marti and Gio, so they were a trio of sorts, except then they became tweens and suddenly girls were gross so Eva was left behind until they ended up in the same class in high school, so they got closer again, at first just as friendly classmates, then as proper friends when the Laura-Gio-Eva thing begun; or if Eva and Marti simply met in high school cause they ended up in the same class and at some point the professors decide they absolutely had to keep Rametta far from Garau and Brighi far from Pandakovic because they were alway distracted and talking so Eva and Marti ended up in sitting next to each other when the two couple of BFFs were switched and they became close then (while Gio and Laura fell for each other); or if started even more recently, only after Gio started dating Laura, so basically while Marti and Eva were forced to third-and-fourth wheel, except then would he know her better enough to say “You wouldn’t have quit, before?” I NEED ANSWERS

“Eva, kick their asses!” EASY FOR YOU TO SAY YOU HYPOCRITE, I hope you went to church and confessed your sins before saying this kind of motivational shit, snake boy

I feel Eva taking deep breaths and talking herself into talking to Maria deep in my bones

btw, I’ve been wanting to say for a few episodes, but those mini skirts (both Eva’s in past episodes and Maria’s friends’) wouldn’t have been allowed at all in my high school, such bad representation!1!1!!1!

Maria Sorgato is such a mood! She’s a couple of weeks away from the maturità, she’s studying and revising like crazy, she’s organizing a huge party on top of that, she don’t got no time to follow the rumor mill, to keep track of people from other years or to specifically exclude people from parties

and she takes the time to give Eva semi-valuable advice anyways (which is pretty similar to what her BFF Alice told Eva at the party btw)! And she refuses to let her friends shame her for her sex life! An icon

and here we have another absolute ICON, Miss Federica Cacciotti, who should totally try her hand at the trapeze cause she definitely had to pull some stunning acrobatics to pull that off

I heard about that method Federica mentions actually: a friend of mine in uni treid it a couple of times to balance work and studying more easily, but she ended up being super stressed on the day of the exam because she didn’t feel confident in what she knew the exams always went poorly

Ele is really pissed off that Silvia doesn’t believe Eva, I think because she feels that after all the support they’ve been giving her, the least Silvia can do is give Eva the benefit of the doubt

noooo, what do you mean Silvia’s not talking to Fede?? They’re inseparable! And it totally invalidates my theory about Silvia having Fede write to Eva about the party bc of the 1994!Diana inspired revenge plan

Sana = the voice of reason, she’s seeing the signs (maybe because she’s seen the signs of breakdowns on other people before, albeit from afar?? *hint hint*)

this is the episode of Sana’s revelations, she’s kind of a deus ex machina

and now the big confrontation: Eva’s got something to say and enough blackmail material to force Laura to listen and she’s not gonna be stopped, dismissed or interrupted

noooo, there goes my theory about Eva Gio and Marti having known one another since primary school, since Eva says she didn’t know anyone when she started high school (💔 it was my fave theory)

on the other hand, I feel ya baby Eva, I too started liceo classico without knowing anyone in my class and only two people in the entire school 💖

on the other hand, let’s talk about Laura: she knew people, so she probably was already somewhat cool among them, and still she went out of her way to extend a hand to the new girl who knew nobody; she was kind and generous and nothing like the person we’ve seen until now. I struggled to believe Gio could have ever liked her up until this moment. The break-up and the resentment she held until this episode was like a poison and turned her into a pretty mean person, but I think that she’s not like that, deep inside.

or maybe she just saw potential in Eva to be the Karen to her Regina and Sara’s Gretchen so she went and befriended her and my theories are all shit

CAN WE TALK about how many of these kids mention not being able to sleep?? Eva has done it two times now, with her mom and with Laura now, Marti will soon start having troubles as well when his dad walks out and in S2 he will repeatedly say he’s been struggling with insomnia; I can’t specifically remember anyone else saying they’re not sleeping but I feel like Silvia or Gio might have said or implied something in past episodes: this is not normal, this is not healthy, at the very least their parents should all be making them drink gallons of chamomile tea!

so Gio and Laura were not doing good and Laura was thinking of breaking up with him already: what a perfectly textbook YA romance novel triangle, and what a perfectly teenager-ish, less-than-logical reason to hold a grudge for this long Laura had

and Eva is so great in this scene: she explains clearly what her thought process was, she takes responsibility for her actions, she apologizes but doesn’t ask to be forgiven and for everything to go back to what it was, aiming for an easier, more attainable goal

oh, and Alice is back, with as many anger management issues as always

Eva puts herself physically between Laura and Alice: she’s been there and she doesn’t want Laura to be on the other side of Alice’s slap

AND FINALLY SOMEONE SAYS IT EXPLICITLY: Federico is the asshole that goes around cheating systematically on girls, the girls themselves aren’t exactly blameless but they’re not the sole responsible people and they shouldn’t be treated as such

“I’m not able to break up with him” what does that mean?? You realize you’re in a toxic relationship, you ask for help and get the hell out of it as soon as possible! Queen Maria Sorgato, don’t tell me you’re too busy with school and stuff to help your best friend dump an asshole, please! Go support her!

Alice seems like an asshole, but she really simply doesn’t know how to channel her anger properly: she is honestly interested in how thing go for Eva and her boyfriend (even though she’s got the wrong man here), maybe because she empathizes more with him than with her, but let’s not forget that she talked with Eva about Gio before, so that might play a part in it, too

the earth literally falling out from under Eva’s feet as soon as Alice says Martino’s name, the bottom of her stomach dropping, the breath being punched out of her lungs, oh my God

Bechdel test: this episode passes the test, thank God these girls start dealing with their messes without boys and shit finally gets done.

This post is part of my complete series of meta about Skam Italia season 1. If you’d like to read more of my thoughts about the other episodes, you can find the mastepost linked in the top bar on my blog under SKAMIT: EVA. Cheers!

#skam italia #eva brighi #skamit meta #silvia mirabella #sana allagui #eleonora sava #federica cacciotti #martino rametta #laura pandakovic #alice (skam italia)#maria sorgato #skamit #a. writes #1x09 se vi faccio a tutti così schifo

4 notes · View notes

brokenhayatim · 4 years

Text

we might be dead tomorrow

[now playing the maze by manchester orchestra]

yesterday on a call, i had a moment of real possibility in having the decompression surgery. my neurologist last week said it was what she recommended and that chiari could be the cause of it all. so once i had it, they would most likely be gone, along with my headaches, then the meds i take would no longer be needed. it all hit me hard today and im feeling many emotions at this person who barely considered doing it for months. for god sake, i was in the hospital for it, a situation i never thought i would be in. (inshallah never again)

you know some part of me loves being told i have a high pain tolerance, a big part of me loves being poked with needles (!!) and loves looking at my mri’s. oh story time, the day my neurologist said something was different, aka wrong, i smiled in the chair and asked if i could look at it and went “ah cool!.” she gave me the wildest look but described all the brain anatomy stuffs to me. I told my therapist of this moment and he went “.oh...you were happy?” [types some notes on his computer] and i realized, normal people don’t do that and i probably said that badly with no shame. i wasn’t particular happy, but i was nowhere near sad or scared, i was excited. i think my dissociation makes me almost see everything as not mine. those aren’t my scans so i can be exhilarated and so curious about everything. or it could be that pain just isn’t something i worry or care for anymore. months later, i laughed bc something else being wrong with me, it’s almost fate. sometimes i wish i was terrified, but i didn’t care for it. i already had bad headaches, so what?

over these last few months though. it’s like i’ve made room in my home for it, i’ve become familiar with it, not so much comfortable, but so familiar that it doesn’t matter in the big picture. a secret: sometimes i feel really impressed and good when i tell of my imbalance issues, (vertigo), numbness in my limbs, the tinnitus and the nausea. sometimes..i wish i had more. i feel proud of myself when people have headaches, like i know the worst of that pain, and i’ve been through it. i don’t know if it’s because i want to be validated in having it or if it’s just how i am like that. i wish i could tell my sisters and everyone a whole list of symptoms, but all of them seem so useless and mediocre. i sometimes want that attention from just collapsing; but ironically, i hate being bothered and cared for with it. i found meaning in it all, i found a whole part of me within it all. i had headaches for 6 years before i, simply, told my general physician, and since then it’s been 5 (way too long of) mri’s and an EEG (that was certainly a moment). i wished, back then, i had seizures too. we called one of my pain symptoms “brain shocks” for years with that creative name and made it into this freeze “game”, and i just mentioned that two years ago in a visit. half of my identity is just on having headaches, of being in pain around people. and i’m stupidly fucking (sorry last day of ramadan) scared of losing that. i’ve taken more medications pills than i can count, and i know their purpose pridefully well. i’ve given advice based on that pain, i’ve helped someone with that pain. i’ll never be ready to lose that. i think of it and i imagine myself more empty. full of nothing.

the reason i’m writing this though wasn’t all that. i woke up and just felt this aching shame and sobbed, still am i can barely see, in my bed (so much snot). i’m so scared, more than anyone can possibly try to understand, of it all being gone. of never having to take a pill for this anymore (i still have dat mental illness so not those), or of never needing the knowledge of different types and locations of headaches. i’ve began to feel prideful in having a neurological condition. it makes me something, i have something i can tell. this is the thought that started the spiral. i feel something with this pain. what will happen when i can’t feel this anymore? what will i turn to next? what does the loss feel like? (is that corny or shallow bc it sounds so??) my therapist asked me ‘why i didn’t want to rid it?’ and i was like ‘i genuinely don’t know’ to which he replied ‘i think you do’ and i was all sIR i legit don’t know pls tell me. i made up this random guess and stuttered through it, it felt out of body almost, leaving my lips. what if getting rid of this physical pain forces me to submerge myself in my emotional pain and deal with that? i feel like i have none pls..me?? i’m chill sans the moments like this. (he also says my tether to pain is like penance, some kind of self punishment i feel i deserve..so lettuce chill bro). but the physical pain of headaches, the imbalance, the dizziness, even the numbness in my legs, i always feel something. it’s something i can remember in my head then move past. and when i remember it later, it’s intoxicatingly satisfying and i want it to happen again. i wish i collapsed or had to crawl to my room more often. i like..want to boast about it?? i remember that moment vividly being a ‘this is it’ one too. i was home alone crawling to my room bc my legs gave out and i needed my meds for my pounding headache, and i genuinely thought i was gonna die there on the floor. that moment of me hating and scared of it though is so fleeting, only lasting the day probs. and a part of me will always hate it. that’s normal. but that’s not strong enough to overcome me. it’s bittersweet.

“it’s not the same, but it’s similar to people losing their limbs, or injured so badly they’re forced to give up their career, or an addict quitting using drugs.” sure, but you can notice, you can see all that. this is all in my head. unless you see my mri’s you would never even guess. it was why i wished my diagnosis was something with seizures, at least that’s something noticeably neurological that i can recognize myself. (am i a bad person? baby no doubt.) my old roommate once said she didn’t even know i had headaches often because i never complained or mentioned it. i would just go to the pantry and take my pill as you would with a cookie. and i’ll never be any other way, and i never was. i grew up closing the bathroom door when i threw up, washing my face after crying and walking back in the kitchen to my mom. i grew up missing moments of laughter and joy with my sisters to just lay in a dark room in pain, being checked on at the some time in the night. even to this day, i will sit in lectures when my head is pounding and i know i’ll throw up soon. anyways, my three sisters were talking about one of the other’s qualities and how amazed they are bc ‘they would never’. one of them had actually gone to class, and i softly mentioned how i am like that too, i think i’ve missed three classes in my four years (minus calc bc the class was more confusing than teaching myself). i said i’ve sat through night classes with headaches and with no meds for three hours and they were like mmm. i almost felt jealous that she always spoke of her small and big achievements, and i speak of none. no one even knew my major till this year. why, allah, why am like this? what made me too reserved and careless of myself? my education is the only thing that makes me feel worthy in the eyes of others...so mine, and i never even share it. it’s that, perfect on paper, that’s how i want to be. (because i know i’ll never be otherwise) i get up in a week of seclusion & sobbing and head off to class, sometimes i cry in class (iconic moments truly, your glasses hide wonders). last year i was sitting in this three hour class with excruciating (and i don’t use that lightly) pain in my head to the point where i had to cradle it with my hands and nearly bang it against the table from thrashing, i was in the middle of the room so i did a 10/10 job at playing it off. i never went to the bathroom or even home early...because i had another class after..which it persisted in. i had never felt that before in my entire life. another day, i silently cried like you wouldn’t believe in the bathroom stall (after uncharacteristically leaving the room) then wiped my tears, fixed my makeup and went right back into class. anyways does that even matter? am i even strong? i want to be so badly. for real this time, not this image. and i’m not. i’m barely enough as it is.

odd tangent: i don’t care enough or at all about the people i should and i lie to make em feel good and feel better. i know people that love me would still, with this loss of pain, but i doubt myself, and i underestimate them yeah. i say 'them’ like i care what half the people in my life think or care about, it’s just noor and rose. i love rose but i don’t bring these things up, i don’t normally update and i don’t think i’ve ever opened up about my trauma enough for it to mean more than anything superficial. we have this beautiful relationship, yet i don’t find purpose in telling her if need not be, maybe one day. it’s different with noor. i babble all the damn time about everything and feel myself have no filter with these things. i mean, i mention noor to rose too, as if she’s a mutual friend. i care for them both. i love them both in different ways, both ways that are rare for me. rose wasn’t the first person i’ve met or cared about, but she was the first person i remember loving the way i do. i wish i could describe how i feel for noor simply, but i can’t. there was a long-while where she was more important to me than my family, even my sisters (i know, i was like uhmmm). i’ve written something, poem or prose, of almost everyone that was close to me aka 4 peeps (let’s not get wild here). and yet, i’ve written nothing of noor. i’ve written for her yes, but not of her. i tried and it’s arguably the hardest thing to do and i’m quite adequate at writing, if i do say so myself. i tried once in 2017, i stared at the screen for so long just backspacing bc nothing made sense. she’s my emotional support high school sweetheart that renders me powerless with my own words. (does that help?)

back to our scheduled program: physical pain. it’s been maybe 10 years now that i’ve made a home for it. sometimes the lights go out when it gets bad, and sometimes i decorate with flowers when it excites me and brings something new. the house is probably the ugliest thing you’ve even had to lay your eyes upon, but it’s the best i got and it’s mine to come home to. i wouldn’t give her up without a fight. and i think that’s what my mind has been doing for so many months. trying to save my home, trying to keep every symptom of pain that i have. one day i’ll have to move out or i just die in here. both are changes i just can’t seem to make. i feel like i’m running out of time to sell it and move out, to do something and get rid of the pain. and, i feel like i’m making a mistake choosing to die in here, ignoring it and having it stay or get worse. if it gets worse, i’ll need help and the day i stop feeling like a burden to people, especially my family, let me know would ya. i don’t even often know how to ask for help if i wanted it - and then there’s being cared for that’s a nope to me. i can handle every moment of my pain from all my symptoms and condition, and yet i’m the weakest person in so much. i’m not a person that fears much, most times i find it impractical honestly. i reminded myself of that on my bedroom floor last year in february, during a moment of weakness. (also yes i use a lot of home analogies in writing ok) note: i’ve been mulling through this surgery decision for maybe a year on end now.

do i wish i was scared and worried to feel an ounce of normalcy? of course. but i’m not, i wasn’t even relieved with the diagnosis that day, went out and got pizza broo. even when i thought i was going insane. because what does it matter if it doesn’t change the pain? it’s kind of strange, but when i think of all this physical pain ( is it mental too idk??), i hear this voice in my head that smoothly and confidently says “gimme all you got.” i daydream of how much more i can take, what different things my brain and body can devise before i crack. and, obviously this voice personified does this...with finger guns.

#what's good in the hood #eid mubarak to me!#asiya's thoughts

0 notes

celestialceci · 7 years

Text

camp kwami: chapter 1

ok. here it is. the @pepper-bottom summer camp au. it's here. or, if you prefer, it's on ao3 and ff.net also i wanna go back in time and yell at myself bc i wrote this like a month ago and now looking back there’s so many mistakes holy shit COOL ENJOY IT!!!! next chapter ->

Summer break is approaching, and Adrien finally gets to attend the camp he's wanted to for so long. Marinette has attended the camp since she was old enough to go, and considers it her second home. They're both ready for a summer of adventures at Camp Kwami, but neither of them expected adventures quite like this.

long road

Adrien’s computer mouse clicked on the familiar bookmark, and he sighed wistfully as the webpage loaded fully. There was nothing new; there hadn’t been for the past few months. He knew every tab by heart, every detail he could glean from the photographs and entries. Photos on the homepage faded into one another automatically. Soon his favorite appeared: two girls, one with wild rusty red hair and the other with dark bluish pigtails were locked in a tight embrace, covered in mud and paint smeared on their arms, grinning into the camera lens like there was no tomorrow. Adrien hovered over it with his mouse so the photo wouldn't change. He sighed again. They looked so happy, and the dark haired girl’s smile was absolutely radiant.

Though the website had many photos from various years, he had managed to find this girl in more than just this one. In one she is helping a younger child with a yarn craft, and in another from many years ago she’s watching an older girl cook over a campfire. Adrien could tell it was the girl, even in the old photo, by her look of utter happiness from being in the woods.

Deciding he didn't want to go through any more heartache tonight, Adrien closed the browser and put his many monitors to sleep, only to find himself on his phone a few minutes later looking through the tag on Instagram.

Camp Kwami. A tiny, secluded, nature-based co-ed summer camp in Southern France, owned and operated by the same family since 1904. The kids who went absolutely loved it, even making posts in the dead of winter about how much they missed the camp and all their friends. Adrien felt he knew enough about it to explain every minute detail to anyone who asked, despite never having set foot on the property before. Adrien’s mom had gone when she was a kid, and had wanted for Adrien to go, too. He could still remember her stories of late nights and wilderness adventures that she would tell him when he was younger. But with his mother now gone, his father would always shut down Adrien’s attempts to bring it up. Without success, Adrien had tried to convince Gabriel to let him go for the past four years. Now Adrien was the age where he would have to be staff if he went, and he was upset he’d missed out on his opportunities as a camper. This could have been his chance to make lifelong friends and memories like his mom and be a real kid. But noo, his dad had him cooped up at home like a princess in a castle, only making him more desperate to get free.

Adrien locked his phone, and tossed it onto the floor, planting his face in his pillow. He felt like crying. Was it possible to be homesick for place you’d never even been to?

“Father, can I ask you something?” Adrien began tentatively. “About my summer schedule?”

Gabriel didn't look up from the tablet that had a permanent residence next to his dinner place. “What is it, Adrien?”

“Applications for camp are due in a month, and I was having a discussion with Natalie today and-”

Adrien’s father let out a sharp breath, moving his cold eyes from his device to meet his son’s gaze. “Adrien, we have this discussion at least twice a year. My opinion has not changed. You are far too busy to be wasting time away from home when you can be here working.”

Gabriel’s clipped tone never failed to send a piercing jab through Adrien, but he persisted. “I know, I remember. But I was speaking with Natalie about my summer schedule, and you haven't planned any modeling projects for me past May, besides the fall collection-”

“I said, no,” Gabriel said with a definity that would usually end such a discussion.

“But Father! It’s… it’s something mom wanted for me.”

The forkful of steak that was headed for his dad’s mouth stopped midair, but his gaze didn't shift from the plate. Adrien felt himself break out in a cold sweat. “She- she wanted me to go. And I want to go,” Adrien pleaded. “Even Natalie agreed maybe a few months of being outdoors would be good for me so I could finally makesomefriendsorsomething-”

For the third time, Adrien was cut off. This time, not by words, but by his father tossing his napkin on the table and getting up from his chair. “The decision for you to go away this summer is still mine to make. You may be 16, but you are still within my care.” With that, he strode from the room, tablet in hand, leaving a defeated Adrien to pick at his asparagus and mourn another summer lost.

Back in his room, Adrien lay curled up on his couch with his phone and hoodie. The Camp Kwami photo gallery was organized by year. Adrien could scroll back to the 80’s and look through the scans of the old film photos. Only one featured his mother, though: she was standing in front of the fire place in what Adrien knew as the main lodge with three other girls, playing an acoustic guitar with lots of little patterns drawn on it as they sang together. Adrien gazed at the photo as he held back more tears. He wanted to go so badly. So, so badly. To be able to go to a place he knew his mom loved with all her heart would make him so happy. It was the only tangible connection he could have with her now, and his father was the one person standing in the way of that.

Three quick knocks sounded on his door. Natalie. Adrien ignored her, rolling over on his couch and pulling the hood up on his jacket.

“Adrien? Open up. Your father wants to speak with you in his office.” Natalie said.

Silence.

“Adrien, please be reasonable. I think you will want to hear what he has to say.”

Adrien opened his eyes and sat up to look at the closed door before flopping back down on the couch “I doubt it!” he called, his voice cracking slightly.

He heard the jangle of keys and his lock clicked open. Damn Natalie and her master key. Couldn't she just let a boy wallow in his sorrow in peace? He yanked on the strings of the hood, leaving only his nose poking out. He heard Natalie walk in and perch on the coffee table in front of the couch. They sat in silence for a moment. Natalie loosened his hood so she could see his face, but Adrien kept his eyes shut.

“I promise you, he's not going to chew you out for asking a fourth year in a row.” Natalie stated.

Adrien shrugged. “So? He’s still going to say no.”

“You don't know that. Please just go see him.” She rested her hand on his shoulder for a moment before getting up and walking out. Adrien opened his eyes, feeling how puffy they were despite him not actually crying. He pulled out his phone and looked at the picture of his mom and her guitar one more time before getting up and trudging to his father’s study on the other side of the house.

Adrien pushed off his hood before rapping his knuckles on the slightly open door.

“Come in.”

Adrien pushed the door the rest of the way open and walked up to the desk, head down, not bothering to take a seat. “You wanted to see me.”

Gabriel turned his gaze from his computer monitor and looked at his son. “I discussed it with Natalie, and she has made a very convincing case. I see here that children above 15 are trained to be staff,” he motioned to the computer as he spoke. “We’ll have to account for the extra training week they have at the end of May. I can always find a replacement for you for the fall collection modeling we usually have in the summer. Bring me anything that needs a signature, and you have time on Thursday to go out and buy things you might need. I doubt you’ll be wanting to wear designer clothes in the forest. Adrien, are you listening?”

Adrien’s mouth hung slack. “I… I can go?”

“Yes, that is what I am implying.”

“W-Wait, for how long?”

Gabriel only shrugged. “You’re in charge of filling out the paperwork and getting anything you need. I am simply granting you permission and… supporting you monetarily.”

Adrien’s whole face lit up. “Could… could I go the whole summer?”

“If you would like to.”

WOULD I LIKE TO? Adrien thought. Yes! Yes! YES! “Thank you, father! I’ll do it right away.” He turned and ran from the room, beyond excited.

Gabriel watched him leave, sitting back in his chair. He turned to look at the portrait above the fireplace of his wife. “It’s what she would have wanted,” he breathed.

Back in his room, Adrien flew into his desk chair, fumbling with the mouse as he opened the website. He printed a few copies of the forms and the packing list, uncapped a pen and got to work.

Adrien walked in the house and went straight into the security room and to Natalie’s desk. She wasn’t there, so he pushed the button for the mail slot. The mechanical slot opened, revealing it was empty. He sighed. Adrien knew mail from Clermont-Ferrand to Paris took a few days, especially since it was all the way in the forest, but it had been almost a week with no reply about his acceptance to the staff at Camp Kwami. Hopefully it hadn’t gotten lost in the mail. He climbed the stairs to his room and threw his fencing bag down, ready for a badly needed shower.

There it was. A generic white envelope with a simple stamp of a ladybug with cat ears and whiskers next to the return address. Adrien spies his name in neat, rounded print in the middle above his own address.

Snatching the envelope off of his desk, Adrien tears open the top and skims the single paper inside.

Adrien Agreste,

We are happy to inform you that you have been admitted to serve on the Camp Kwami summer staff for all sessions! We are all looking forward to having you on our team this year. Only 3 months until summer!

See you in the valley!

Tikki

Camp Kwami

Adrien actually let out a whoop. Finally! The wait had been worth it, and now he was bursting with joy. He wanted to open his windows and yell to all of Paris that he was going to be free for the first time in his life. Instead, he grabbed his phone to call the one person who would listen.

“Hello?”

“Chloe! It’s me!”

“Adrikins!!! I was wondering when you would return my calls!”

“Oh, yeah. Sorry about that. Listen! I’ve got great news, Chlo!”

“What’s that? You have free time tonight for us to go to the ballet?”

“Actually, I might. I’ll text you about details for that later. You know the summer camp I’ve been trying to get Father to let me go to for the past few years?”

“That old place down in Clermont-Ferrand?”

“Yeah, that one exactly!”

“So? What about it?”

“You gotta guess, Chlo.”

“If I guess, you have to promise to not stand me up this time for the ballet.”

“Fine. JUST GUESS.”

“Uh… Gab finally relented?”

“YEAH! I’M GOING THIS SUMMER! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT, CHLOE?!? HE ACTUALLY SAID YES!”

“Fascinating, Adrien. You won’t be gone for long right? Maybe a few days?”

“Hell no! I’m gonna be gone the whole summer!”

“THE WHOLE SUMMER?! Wh-what?”

“Relax, Chloe, you’ll live without me for a couple months.”

“Oh, my god. I can’t believe this.”

“Me neither. Anyway, I just wanted to call and tell you since you would be like, the only person who would actually understand. I gotta go now. Maybe see you later?”

“I’d better! So… what is this camp?”

“Camp Kwami. My mom went there?”

“Camp Kwami… hm. Okay, talk to you later Adrikins!!! Text me about toni-”

Adrien hung up the phone. He didn’t really want to go anywhere with Chloe right now, but maybe he would just to keep her at bay for another couple of weeks. Especially considering the great mood he was in.

#miraculous ladybug #camp kwami #ml fanfic #ml fic rec #ml au #celestialceci #writing #here goes nothing

4 notes · View notes