#i feel sooooo freaking cold but also so warm at the same time

[omtai]

hi guys what’s going on

[jess-rewatches-prodigalson]

Take Your Father to Work Day (S2, E4)

As many people have said: This is one of the STRONGEST Prodigal Son episodes to date. It was incredible. My time-stamped thoughts for this episode are below. 

I reference Malcolm’s mental health and sexual violence in this one. So if that’s going to be a trigger for you, don’t keep reading.

SPOILERS AHEAD:

0:16 - OMG. Destiny’s Child. Whoever is in charge of the soundtrack for this show needs a raise. Or an award. It’s SOO GOOD.

0:18 - How great is this montage of Martin’s prison life too? I mean the insane mundanity of it combined with “Survivor” and Michael Sheen’s incredible acting is some perfect mix between hilarious, captivating, and just brilliant. 

1:06 - I feel so bad for Mr.David. He has to deal with Martin’s theatrics every day. Poor guy looks done in this episode.

1:35 - CAN HECTOR BECOME A BIGGER CHARACTER?! PLEASE. He’s hilarious and I love him. “Bro. You got your ass jumped at Sunday School.”

2:09 - Wait. What? Jerry’s getting released?!? I mean, I understand that he’s no longer in need of psychiatric care......but he still killed someone. Shouldn’t he just be getting transferred to a different prison?

2:25 - Does Jerry have a death wish?!?! He’s talking about being released in a room full of jealous murderers. Everyone looks sooooo pissed at Jerry. 

2:54 - Martin is such a liar. However - Michael Sheen’s performance is astoundingly good. Like he shines brighter than usual in this episode. 

 3:17 - Poor Malcolm. “What’s going on?” Poor boy looks terrified. 

3:23 - I love everything about this scene. I love how freaked out Malcolm is. I love you extra Jessica is. BUT HANS. Holy shit. I want Hans in every episode. He’s crazy in a good way and such a beautiful comedic relief. 

3:30 - OMG.  “Skinny milennial” might be the best thing anyone has ever called Malcolm. Someone please tell JT and Dani - hell, even Gil. They would tease him forever and I want to see it. 

3:45 - 1) Malcolm is a terrible liar. 2) Jessica knows he’s lying. 3) This story about the wine is interesting. I wonder when and how Malcolm first told Jessica the story. Was it the same night? AND HOW DID ENDICOTT’S BODY END UP IN ESTONIA?!? I WANT MORE INFORMATION ABOUT THAT NIGHT. 

3:54 - “Ainsley and I came back from the hospital after Gil’s stabbing.”....we never saw Ainsley at the hospital. Was she there and left before Malcolm got there? Or is this a plot hole I need to ignore?

4:05 - The way that the flashbacks of Endicott’s murder is spliced into this scene with Malcolm’s cover story is so perfectly executed. It’s so captivating and so so well done.

4:14 - Malcolm’s eyes look quite manic during the retelling of this story. Poor guy is desperate to have everyone believe the story. Poor guy probably wants to convince himself that the story is true. 

4:16 - Wait. What? Ainsley has always been clumsy? .....interesting. I’ve seen no evidence of it but I’ll believe it for the sake of the plot. 

4:23 - “At least one of you has a soul.” Holy shit.  hahaha Hans is brutal. I love him so much. I also love how this line makes me, as a viewer, think “does that mean the writers want me to think that Ainsley doesn’t have a soul?” ...or more likely that she doesn’t feel emotion (which can be interpreted as a lack of a soul). That she’s a psychopath like Martin?

4:27 - OMG. Jessica loves Hans. He speaks to her dramatic rich woman soul. So entertaining. 

4:30 - Poor. Malcolm. This boy is always in some sort of emotional turmoil. For once I wish he was happy (but also I love the emotional whump so if that could continue that would be great). 

4:44 - “It’s so much more than that.” *chef’s kiss* comedic genius.  I would watch a whole episode of Mr.David making fun of Martin. But can we all just take a minute to appreciate that Martin doesn’t seem bothered at all that Mr.David is basically verbally telling him that he sucks? It’s almost like Martin thinks they’re friends?

4:50 - Martin is strangely chill talking to Mr.David in this scene. It’s a little off-putting. He almost seems normal. He’s not putting on his usual theatrics or ranting about doctor stuff. It makes you wonder how many different sides of Martin that Mr.David has witnessed. 

5:01 - “Oh no. Not Jerry.” LMAO. HOLY SHIT. Michael Sheen needs an Emmy. His delivery of that line might be the funniest thing this show has ever given us. hahahahaha

5:29 - Damn. This is not Gil’s month. First Jessica dumps him. Then he has to deal with Martin Whitly in the flesh. That plus the on-going drama of worrying about Malcolm’s mental health and the stress of reintegrating into work after a STAB WOUND.

5:31 - Gil’s face. hahahahaha he’s like, “Kill me. This can’t be happening. I hate everything. I wish the ground would open up and swallow me whole.”

5:37 - “Yeah. Why’d you do it?” GIL. OMG. I’m so proud of Gil for dissing Martin to his face. BUT ALSO I worry that that’s going to give Martin more of a reason to hate Gil. I’m genuinely scared that the writers have Martin escaping as the pre-finale episode and Martin trying to kill Gil as the finale. Maybe Gil shows up trying to save Malcolm, AInsley, and Jessica (whom Martin is trying to abduct or hurt or something) idk I just feel like it’s going to be a likely subplot somewhere. I don’t want an attempt on Gil’s life to become a season finale tradition. 

5:56 - Ew. “Gilly” That is a terrible nickname. I think I threw up a little. 

6:00 - Damn. I love this scene. I could watch Martin and Gil pretending to be civil to each other for years. So entertaining. 

6:29 - hahahahaha OMG. Gil’s reaction to Martin saying, “Thank you” PLUS Edrisa’s sudden excitement at realizing she’s 10 ft away from Malcolm’s Dad - a medical legend, is magical.

6:35 - Not gonna lie. When Edrisa said, “Ok. I’m gonna play it cool.” I had to pause my TV and walk away to calm down. I was experiencing a mixture of second hand embarrassment for Edrisa’s inevitable behaviour, excitement for what is to come, and fear that Martin would be a jerk to our precious Edrisa. 

6:44 - Edrisa and Martin interacting was everything I’d hoped. It was strange, funny, sweet, and disturbing at the same time. The sweet, eccentric girl who attends cuddle parties is getting buddy-buddy with a literal serial killer. Hilarious. Even better is Gil’s background reactions as he desperately tries to keep Edrisa away from the psychopath. hahaha <3 

7:12 - Gil is currently living in a nightmare. hahahahaha 

7:47 - I love this. I love how Malcolm and Ainsley interact. Malcolm is such a good big brother. IDK something about these two adult siblings chilling on a couch and warning each other about Mom’s current rampage reminds me of myself and my younger brother. <3 Warms my cold dead heart. <3 PLUS has anyone else noticed that (as long as Ainsley isn’t hounding Malcolm about a story or airing out his mental health diagnoses like the bs from Q&A) Malcolm is extremely calm around Ainsley. Like maybe the calmest we’ve ever seen him?

8:20 - “Oh Ainsley, that’s a horrible idea.” This is adorable. Malcolm is totally acting like Ainsley’s surrogate dad. He’s trying so hard to protect her. <3 

8:42 - There’s something about the way that Malcolm says, “Hey Gil” that makes my heart swell. Idk why. I just their father/son relationship. So much. And it makes me so happy to see Malcolm having semi-normal interactions with people in general. 

8:48 - This. Is. The. Funniest. Episode. Of. Prodigal. Son. To. Date. Holy shit. The comical dread on Malcolm’s face. Martin’s glee on the phone. Gil’s general “done with life” body language. Ainsley’s utter joy at her luck. MALCOLM DRAINING THE ALKA-SELTZER. Ainsley saying “chug chug”. So perfect. 

9:27 - Is it just me or has Jessica been showing way more concern for her children’s well-being this season? At first I thought it was because she was so happy with Gil....but that’s not a thing anymore (because Jessica is a MORON - seriously if this show gets cancelled before Gil and Jessica are living happily ever after I will riot) so now Idk. 

10:02 - EDRISA WHY DID YOU NOT TELL GIL AND MALCOLM THAT THE SURGEON WAS ON THE PHONE?!? For a hot second, poor Malcolm looks like he thinks he’s hallucinating. 

10:40 - Gil hanging up on Martin and then telling Edrisa that she needs to make new friends is everything. It’s vicious. Gil looks absolutely furious in this scene and I love it. 

11:07 - Yo. Edrisa’s got some baggage. hahaha Malcolm looks soooo uncomfortable with her outburst.

11:18 - I would pay good money to watch Martin and Gil have a pissing match in front of Malcolm every episode. It’s amazing. They’re constantly trying to one-up each other. The tension is palatable. And someone Malcolm is the only one acting like a mature, working adult. Malcolm. My mentally unstable, skinny millennial. 

11:34 - OH SHIT. Martin did not just bring Jessica into this. Oh SNAP. Does Martin know that Jessica dumped Gil?!? 

11:56 - “I’m going to need a little more than that.” Damn. Malcolm looks pissed here. Pretty sure he hates that Martin just brought up Gil/Jessica. Malcolm’s bio-dad and real dad are fighting and it’s very clear that Malcolm is on Gil’s side.

12:17 - The look that Gil and Malcolm share here is perfect. I love it so much. You can see how annoyed they both are, how much they hate that they need Martin on this case, how much neither of them want Martin’s help. <3 

12:23 - SOMEONE GIVE GIL A MEDAL. This man just grit his teeth, smiled, and let MARTIN WHITLY - the man who tried to KILL HIM work on his case. Why? Because Malcolm silently asked him to. Because Gil loves Malcolm and knows that it’s better for Martin to work with them officially than for Malcolm to work with Martin in secret. At least this way he can look out for Malcolm. 

12:42 - “It’s taken Dr. Marsh years...” soooo was Dr. Marsh the name of the Asian doctor leading group therapy last season? Is this just a new actor, same character scenario? OR am I supposed to forget that Asian doctor existed last season? 

13:04 - I can’t tell if Gil hates this whole “father-son in group therapy idea”. He looks kind of like he hates it (although he is looking at Martin in the shot). I’m inclined to think that Gil is worried. He doesn’t like how nice Martin is acting toward Malcolm. He doesn’t want Malcolm to get hurt again. BUT I also think there’s probably a part of Gil that thinks group therapy might be beneficial for Malcolm’s mental health? I mean it was only ever going to be terrible or amazing. Nothing in between. 

13:12 - “They hate you don’t they?” GIL BRINGING THE FIRE. hahahaha angry Gil is really funny.

13:43 - OH HELL YES. More Hector. <3

13:46 - hahaha YES. Hector this is Malcolm - the son. You know, the one you had to role-play? hahaha I feel like Hector is a really cool dude (aside from the murder). 

13:53 - Damn. Hector pays attention in group. He has a lot of info about Malcolm. I would’ve thought the other inmates would just tune Martin out when he starts his monologues. 

13:59 - “He’s got a thing with hands?” hahahaha OMG. How did I never connect the hand thing. DOES Malcolm have a thing with hands? ....I kind of want that to be cannon?

14:00 - “You’re crazier than me.”  Ouch. That must’ve hurt. Think about it - Malcolm is ridden with guilt about Endicott. He’s haunted by what he experienced as a kid and by what his father is. Malcolm believes he’s broken beyond repair. On some level Malcolm thinks he’s crazy. Now a literal killer just told him he’s crazy. That just affirms what Malcolm already believes about himself. :( PLUS right after Hector tells Malcolm that he’s crazy - the camera pans to Martin. MARTIN looks scared. Martin is losing control of the situation and he doesn’t like it. Martin knows on some level that he ruined Malcolm’s mental health. He almost looks a little guilty?

14:31 - FINALLY. We have a cannon occurrence of someone calling Malcolm “Mal” (or “Malc” if you’re going by HULU’s subtitles?). I hope the writers start having people call Malcolm by Mal/Malc more often. 

14:35 - I can’t ignore it anymore.  DID HECTOR HAVE THAT SCAR ON HIS FACE LAST SEASON?!? I DON’T REMEMBER IT. 

14:38 - YES YES. Malcolm looks angry. I LOVE IT. Scream at him Malcolm! Give him hell!

15:03 - Yikes. Malcolm sounds like he’s about to cry here. :( My heart breaks for him. .....I wonder if this is the first time Martin has ever heard how much pain he caused Malcolm straight from Malcolm? Martin looks hella uncomfortable here. 

15:25 - The inmates (literal murderers) empathizing with Malcolm is twisted, beautiful, and haunting. These guys understand how much it sucks to hang out with Martin. These guys can see the real pain in Malcolm’s expression. They know he isn’t lying. Part of me honestly wonders if one of them is going to try and hurt Martin for Malcolm. They looked pissed enough by the end of the conversation that I kind of believe they might. 

16:00 - Malcolm is not acting here. For once he’s not projecting his problems onto potential suspects. He’s just venting to suspects. No pretence. I love it. BUT 100% of me wants to know where Gil is during this session. Is Gil listening? Is the session being recorded for evidence? There’s no way Gil (or Dani) wouldn’t confront Malcolm about this. Even if they just asked him if he’s okay. 

16:10 - hahahaha look at Doctor Marsh. He’s like “ooookkkkkaaaayyyy. I’m a psychiatrist in a psychiatric facility for people who have committed violent crimes. BUT THIS IS THE NUTTIEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN.”

16:12 - Look at the way Martin narrows his eyes. He’s trying to figure out if Malcolm is acting. He’s finally realizing that Malcolm truly hates what Martin subjected him to as a child. I honestly think this interaction will cause Martin to shift his “become a murderer like me” agenda from Malcolm to Ainsley. He’s finally seen the depth of Malcolm’s hatred and pain and knows deep down that Malcolm will never turn into a serial killer. But there’s still hope for Ainsley. That’s not to say that Martin won’t stop gaslighting Malcolm - he totally will.

17:10 - Martin has been at Claremont for 20 YEARS. How is it that he didn’t know a gold card existed?!?

17:21 - I honestly thought Marsh was going to get shanked. For the gold card. No other reason. 

18:07 - It’s not supposed to be funny but Burt freaking out and punching Marsh is HYSTERICAL. hahahahaha

18:10 - That guard who pushed Malcolm out of the room and into a safe area? He’s in my good books. Every time I watch him push Malcolm to safety I want to give him a hug. Just for doing his job. What the hell is wrong with me?!?

18:18 - UGH. I hate that creepy, satisfied look that Martin gives Malcolm. It’s the same look he gave baby Malcolm in the pilot. It’s the “we’re the same” look and it clearly bothers Malcolm. :( 

18:26 - Oh look. 18 minutes into the episode and we finally have a Dani appearance!! annnnnnd no mention of JT. I mean, I get it. He’s on paternity leave. I’m happy for him. BUT TWO EPISODES WITHOUT A JT APPEARANCE IS TORTURE. At least give me a throw away line about how happy JT is or about the baby!?? Honestly - it’s my biggest gripe with this episode. 

18:56 - soooo either Dr. Marsh is a terrible psychiatrist OR you can’t “cure” murderers. 

19:08 - The NYPD knows that Martin cured Jerry?!? HOW? Did Mr. David get Martin to admit to shocking him? Did Mr. David tell the police?!? I don’t remember Martin telling Malcolm. I specifically remember Malcolm saying, “I don’t want to know”

20:02 - Damn. I want Ainsley to go dark so badly. I want to see how badly it would destroy Malcolm and Jessica. I am evil. 

20:52 - Malcolm’s burgundy jacket is gorgeous. That is all.

21:10 - Malcolm knows that Martin wants to escape. This is good. I love this. 

21:55 - THERE’S A WOMENS WARD?!? REVOLUTIONARY INFORMATION. I THOUGHT THEY HAD A SEPARATE HOSPITAL. 

22:00 - Oh wow. Finally - a perk to gender inequality. 

22:52 - This Brightwell scene is so cute. I love watching Malcolm be excited about solving the crime. I love watching Dani gently tease him about how weird he is. I love watching them subtly flirt. Is Malcolm ready for another relationship - hell no. Do I think Dani has forgiven him - not totally. If they got together now it would end badly. But I do want them to be endgame. 

23:11 - Andre is really suspicious throughout this whole scene. I’m convinced that if Dani and Malcolm weren’t too busy flirting Andre would’ve become a suspect really fast. 

23:15 - Why do people get released from psychiatric prisons?!? This is a genuine question. I would’ve thought that everyone in Claremont has committed some seriously heinous crimes and only a very small portion of them are actually sick. The rest of them just pleaded insanity and had good lawyers. But even if they are/were sick. I don’t think the types of mental illnesses that drive people to murder and/or rape is something that can be cured.  Sooo why are they getting released? I guess I just wonder because there’s this guy that’s been in my local news on and off for like 10+ years. He’s molested/raped many young women between the ages of about 16-25. He’s been arrested and released multiple times. He keeps getting released to different major cities in my province (usually a city with a big University) and reoffends within 6 months of being released. Most recently he was arrested last month after being released in October 2020. Clearly he’s going to keep reoffending - so why does he keep getting released? I guess I just don’t understand what the criteria are that allow an inmate who has committed that sort of crime to be released. Here’s a link to one of the more recent news stories if you’re interested: https://vancouverisland.ctvnews.ca/police-warn-of-high-risk-sex-offender-moving-to-victoria-1.5149264

23:23 - hahaha Andre is like, “Yo. This dude is freaky.”

24:15 - Look at how proud Malcolm is of his whole “lobster = murderer” profile. <3 So freaking precious. <3 and Dani looks so amused with him.  <3

24:37 - Sooooo Mr. David isn’t listening to this conversation? He left the room?

24:40 - Jessica going to Martin for parenting help is terrifying. This is a woman in crisis. 

25:20 - But Jessica was right to be paranoid in 97′. She wasn’t being cheated on romantically but her husband was murdering people. 

25:24 - Martin is so selling his kids out here. He knows it. He doesn’t care. He’s having too much fun torturing Jessica. He’s rejoicing at the fact that he gets to play the “I turned the kids to the dark side” card. 

26:40 - Poor Jessica. She looks suspicious and scared. Scared that she raised a killer even though she tried desperately to prevent that very behaviour. 

26:56 - Damn. Martin is having a really good day. First he gets to annoy Gil Arroyo in the flesh. Then Edrisa talks medical with him. Then he gets to work with Malcolm. THEN his ex-wife calls him and he gets to toy with her mind. THEN his daughter, who has literally murdered someone comes to visit him. He is a proud Dad right here and he’s having an amazing day. 

28:00 - Rhonda is terrifying. This girl has perfected the “I’m sweet and unthreatening” while lying and manipulating people. I swear she’s a teenage Queen B personality with a side of violence. 

28:30 - I love how protective Malcolm is of Ainsley. Look how positively livid he is that Marin is talking to her. Malcolm is terrified that Martin is going to purposefully and successfully turn Ainsley into a serial killer. Malcolm doesn’t want to lose his sister. He doesn’t want Jessica to lose her ‘stable’ child.

29:09 - This scares me. This is the kind of Ainsley behaviour from last season that made me believe she is the Whitly child most like Martin. Her ruthlessness and lack of a conscience when it comes to looking for a news story is extremely upsetting. 

30:11 - What the hell happened to Tevin? AND WATKINS?!? We got no closure on those guys. Are they dead? In prison? Is Tevin still in Claremont? Were they transferred to facilities outside of New York State?

30:28 - Malcolm yelling at Martin is perfect. *chef’s kiss* Finally this boy is being honest with his father and he isn’t holding back. 

30:40 - Michael Sheen is an incredible actor. This is an Emmy worthy scene. By Sheen AND Payne.

30:48 - I love how you can see Mr. David just chilling. Sitting outside the door and staring across the hall during this scene. It’s just....can’t he hear the screaming?!? Is he just like, “I can’t take anymore of this today. Not my circus and not my monkeys.”

30:55 - Soooooo this is Martin showing his true colours. There’s definitely a part of Martin that hates Malcolm. I honestly wonder if that part of Martin actively tries/tried to emotionally torture Malcolm now and throughout his childhood. 

31:00 - “And your mother. And you ruined HeR!!!”....does this mean Martin was trying to make Ainsley a serial killer? Maybe after the camping trip when he realized Malcolm was too “weak” to kill anyone? Is this Martin saying that Ainsley is ruined because she didn’t become a serial killer? Or that Ainsley is ruined because she killed Endicott?

31:05 - “But that’s not me.” hahaha OMG. Michael Sheen just flipped between two personalities like nobody’s business. Respect.

31:08 - Martin’s outburst hurt Malcolm. Badly. You can see it all over his face. Even now, when Malcolm is being strong and showing some backbone to Martin, Martin can wound Malcolm with a single phrase. :( 

31:41 - soooo where has Gil been for the past 10 minutes of this episode?

32:02 - Sooooo did Andre kill Jerry for Rhonda? Or did he just know about the murder and keep quiet for Rhonda? Or is his oblivious to the fact that Rhonda killed Jerry? I’m honestly confused here. 

32:20 - Holy shit. Rhonda is crazy. Andre is dead now. Right?

32:48 - Wait. Why did Andre have a gold card? Mr. David only has red. What kind of qualifications does a guard need to get a gold card vs blue, green, or red?!?!

32:55 - Claremont isn’t a punishment for Martin. Solitary is. Martin should live in solitary. He deserves to suffer for his crimes (and the ongoing torture of his son). 

33:05 - How messed up is it that Mr. David’s job is to protect a serial killer? I don’t think I’m brave enough to do something like that. I also don’t know if I could do that for moral reasons. 

33:14 - Damn. That elevator looks like it hasn’t been cleaned since it was installed. It’s sooo much nastier than the hallway outside of the elevator. 

33:50 - Sooo does this mean Martin is eventually going to try and murder someone down here?

33:54 - HE CALLED FOR BACKUP <3 <3 <3 OUR BOY IS GROWING UP AND I’M SO PROUD. <3 

35:40 - FINALLY SOME MALCOLM WHUMP. <3 THIS SEASON HAS BEEN LACKING IT. 

36:00 - This is really interesting to me. I honestly wonder if Martin has some sort of split personality disorder (personality #1: murderous, selfish, psychopath; personality #2: loving, concerned father and lawful doctor). You can see how desperately he wants to escape. But also how much he loves his son. I honestly thought he was going to leave Malcolm to die. 

36:06 - Ugh. Look at his whumped face. <3 <3 <3 ....one thing that I couldn’t stop thinking during all the tazing (which was amazing FYI, I’m not complaining) is this: in QxA (1x07) Mr. David says that he only has a single shot tazer. Why did Andre have a multi-shot tazer? Is this a gold card vs red card thing?

36:40 - WHY THE EFF DOES BACKUP NOT INCLUDE GIL?!?! I KNOW HE’S STILL IN THE BUILDING. 

37:03 - MARTIN, IF YOU TOUCH A HAIR ON DANI’S HEAD I WILL PERSONALLY HUNT YOU DOWN AND KILL YOU MYSELF. He honestly looks like he wants to murder her. 

37:50 - Martin’s speech is not going to help Malcolm’s mental state. At all. 

38:31 - No. No. No. Martin you do NOT get to talk to Dani on a first name basis. Look at how much Dani hates it. 

38:35 - I love how soft Malcolm looks as Martin lifts him up. Look at how Malcolm gently leans into the touch. It breaks my heart. After 20 years Malcolm is still comforted by physical contact with his father. :( 

38:37 - “Put your hands on me again Dr. Whitly, and I’ll blow your head off.” OH HELL YES. Dani is my hero. Iconic. Also - anyone else notice that Dani is chewing gum in this scene (I don’t think she’s chewed gum on camera since the pilot?) it makes her look like so much more of a badass in this scene. 

38:55 - Oh look. The rest of the backup finally showed up. Where were these assholes 5 minutes ago when DANI WAS ALONE? AND WHERE IS GIL?!?!

39:00 - Malcolm thanking Dani is so so precious. And the fact that he’s clearly struggling to breathe and stay conscious is giving me life. ALSO Dani saying, “YOU’re welcome.”?!? *chef’s kiss* :) :) <3

39:30 - So Malcolm definitely knows that Martin almost left him to die so that Martin could escape. 

39:33 - ......Ainsley is currently living with Jessica. Why is Ainsley not at the family dinner? We literally see her in the house in like 30 seconds. 

39:35 - Malcolm in a polo shirt. Malcolm in a polo shirt. Why is it so attractive?!? He looks like a baby cinnamon roll? <3 

39:51 - WHO THE EFF LET AINSLEY INTO THE MURDER BASEMENT?!? WHY AM I EXPECTED TO BELIEVE THAT JESSICA DIDN’T RE-SEAL IT AFTER WATKINS?!?!

40:15 - Jessica desperately tearing apart the living room is heartbreaking. :(

40:29 - Question: Did Jessica send her staff home before she tore apart the living room? Because I can just imagine two of them staring into the living room from the hall like, “She’s finally snapped. Should we call someone?”

41:00 - Jessica is the queen of drama. HOLY SHIT. This reveal was so extra and so perfect. 

41:13 - “I killed him.” “You’re lying.” I love this interaction between Jessica and Malcolm. Malcolm has spent his whole life trying to convince people that he’s not a murderer. To protect Ainsley, his baby sister, he will say the words “I killed him”. Even though that is literally killing a part of Malcolm. Jessica knows it. I love that Jessica can see that Malcolm is lying. She’s not trying to convince herself that he’s innocent. She literally just accused him of murder. She’s scared. Because Malcolm just admitted to killing someone - his biggest fear - and it was a lie. 

41:35 - Watching Bellamy Young’s facial expression as Jessica realizes that Ainsley killed Endicott is a thing of beauty. This woman needs an Emmy too. HELL, CAN WE GIVE THIS WHOLE EPISODE AN EMMY?!?! 

42:00 - Poor Jessica. The guilt she must feel. She’s always thought that Malcolm was the one at risk of being a murderer. He’s a boy (they’re statistically more prone to violence than girls), he was older than Ainsley, he remembers terrible things, Malcolm had continued exposure to Martin throughout his childhood (Ainsley didn’t - I think?). But the child she neglected, the child she thought was safe, the child she thought remained free of Martin’s evil killed someone. It’s a plot-twist that just ripped Jessica’s heart into a million pieces. 

42:30 - Yep. I promise you Malcolm has been psychoanalyzing Ainsley’s past behaviours since the moment she killed Endicott. He’s found traits common to serial killers and he’s terrified that she’ll become one if she remembers what it felt like to kill Endicott. He’s probably kicking himself for not noticing sooner. He’s probably questioning his ability as a profiler and as a big brother. AND the fact that MALCOLM has to protect Jessica AND Ainsley is heartbreaking. It’s way too big a burden. No wonder Malcolm’s mental health is on a downward spiral. 

42:33 - This is the moment Jessica begins grieving for Ainsley. The fear, disbelief, and horror on her face. It’s torture that I can only describe as someone telling a mother that her daughter is dead. Because Ainsley is dead. The person Jessica believed Ainsley was - that little girl is dead. Because Jess just found out the truth. 

42:55 - Jessica is now terrified of her own daughter. That is maybe the most upsetting thing this show has given us. 

43:00 - I saw an interesting theory about how Ainsley is regressing back to her childhood (crawling into bed with Mom, moving back in with Mom) and I must say - that would be a really interesting way for this story to go. Ainsley regressing to a child-like state as she is convicted of murder. As a result she ends up in the women’s ward of Claremont because she can plead insanity. 

This episode was amazing. Seriously, one of the best Prodigal Son episodes to date. Definitely the best of season 2 so far. If you’ve read this far - thanks for hanging out. 

[rigelmejo]

listening reading method updates

Some updates because I’ve done Listening Reading Method maybe 10-15 hours within the past week and wow is it worth doing (for me) if done properly:

First some notes of what “properly” means for me: It means I’ve done step 2 at some point (since I’m using all books I have at least vague prior context for whether its this past year or in life I’ve seen them before). It means I do step 2 first. Then I do step 3, with parallel text so I keep my place OR do it in Pleco (doing step 3 in Pleco is strangely super effective for me).

So, I’ve been testing my general listening comprehension. How I’ve tested it: listening to some audio file of a chapter I did with L R method, and see if I can understand it better. So no text aid. Also generally some time gap (at least a few days) between when I did L R, and when I listen to test my comprehension.

Limits of test: this is not new material - I have both prior context of the plot, and doing L R method on the material before means I have intensively studied that audio material with L R method at one point. I’m trying to find some ‘totally unknown’ stuff to test with too we’ll see.

Benefits of the test: its easy to compare my progress, because I’ve listened to these audios many times so I know where my ‘comprehension’ of them was at a few months ago. I can more easily compare.

---

So anyway, has L R Method helped listening comprehension? YES god oh my god. 

I listened to Chapter 9 of Guardian’s audiobook just falling asleep, because I didn’t feel like full on L R Method the chapter (I have done Listening Reading Method for chapters 1-8). I could understand enough to follow the entire main plot and all the main scenes - a few descriptive sentences lost me, but I got all the action-related (touched reached stood cried shouted left side pocket held objects movement and set phrases priest uses for certain expressions), key emotion related (like sad cold warm kind sharp worried investigated pushed shivered and set phrases I remember priest using for certain expressions) details, and got all of the main dialogue (this part context helps for though since words like reincarnation and sundial are fairly new to me and I only understand since I already ran into them in previous chapters I’ve done L R Method with). 

I was freaking FLOORED I could just listen and enjoy the story, so today I listened to chapter 1 again. And YEP - same thing applied. I could follow all of the main plot, main scenes, and certain details. I totally missed the part where he talks about his aunt/uncle but I heard his bad grades, got the letter for a job notice, how he hates phone calls, his plan to go, him getting to the place, what the place looked like and Wang Zheng and all the scenes at the job - so like I mentioned, actions/emotions/real objects being interacted with I can mostly follow. The paragraphs of description background (like Guo Changcheng’s upbringing and how his uncle got him a job) are harder for me to catch everything - I am guessing because there’s more description phrases and less straightforward action=response. (For example - xiao guo sees Lao Wu, they respond, so its easy to follow, or he sees Wang Zheng and faints, or he walks into the courtyard and reads the address - all of these moments directly focus on things and react which is easier to follow). 

For the first time I can say I can listen to just the audiobook and follow it enough to enjoy the plot and what’s mainly going on without any text aid. And I’ve only done the listening reading method for 8 chapters! That’s 40-50 minutes a chapter, around 360 minutes or 6 hours. 6 hours spent Listening Reading Method Guardian, and I already see a huge boost in what I can comprehend in listening! (I also did some random L R method chapters of other stuff so add 1-2 hours - that’s still like 8 hours total... that ain’t much). 

Last time I listened to guardian audiobook without any text aid (a few months ago), I could hear some words I knew and some phrases, and had a vague understanding of when he got to the job (heard courtyard and si ming hao), met Lao Wu (i heard him report for duty), when he talked to zhao yunlan and got generally welcomed, met Wang Zheng and thought ‘he has no feet’ and got scared. No fucking details. The vaguest impression of the main plot mainly because I’ve read the chapter before and knew the scenes coming. But that was still eons better than Before That - around 6 months ago i listened to chapter 1 like 5 times until i could hear some phrases instead of just isolated words. 

This time, I could follow things because I could HEAR what was actually going on, not just because I heard some keywords. I could clearly hear the details about Guo Changcheng entering the courtyard, reading the address and special investigations name, go up to Lao Wu and report in and Lao Wu greet him warmly and excitedly mention how lucky it is he came today that their boss is there! And fawn over how cool the boss is, and all the specifics of the convo with Zhao Yunlan (and half of his appearance like how he’s handsome and heroic looking and had a hand in his pocket and seemed cold until he noticed them and smiled and acted warm and friendly). And all the scenes were like that - like with Wang Zheng I could hear all the details of Guo Changcheng freaking out, eventually noticing her head had been cut and it wasn’t a necklace it was like sewn on and how he passed out. It was soooo much better ToT. The amount of comprehension is sooooo much higher than the last time I tried to listen! It shocks me how much better! This is enough comprehension to actually listen and just enjoy it. ToT

So yeah, I’d say Listening Reading Method, as I’m doing it right now, is making noticeable improvements in my reading skill and listening skill. 

So yeah I’m super curious how listening comprehension is gonna be 20 chapters into Listening Reading Method. 

What I do think this would be good for, if you were studying short term? If you wanted to understand a specific audiobook - doing L R Method with the book until you can listen to the rest. It would probably take a short enough amount of study to do within a month if you already have some skills in the language (since this is with 6-8 hours of study). I saw someone once do SRS Flashcard study based on a show they liked in a foreign language, and within a month they could watch that show they liked without english subs and follow the main plot. I think L R Method with a novel works kind of similar - its intensive study on one story. So within a reasonably short amount of time (10-50 hours maybe, something that can be done within a month) you can get enough comprehension skill of that One story to understand it ok. 

I imagine you need to do L R Method longer, and with either a word dense material (lots of varied vocab) or else multiple stories (ideally different authors and genres), in order to get broader listening skill improvement. Like right now my listening skill in general seems to have improved somewhat... but its more like ‘listening to a show without subs’ is now easier. Not like I can turn on a brand new audiobook and follow it this well. So some slightly easier listening activity is now easier, but for other audiobooks I am probably comprehending more but the listening skill improvement is NOT as drastic as it is specifically with Guardian. 

Testing listening comprehension with materials I have not L R Method with:

Alice in Wonderland (story is shorter/simpler than novel): I can follow it mostly when listening only. I can follow it near entirely (know exactly what’s going on just a few words I don’t recognize) if I’m looking at the video (since it has pictures for context - like watching a show). My listening comprehension drops noticeably if I do NOT look at the video visuals for an aid - since I am used to Alice in Wonderland hitting the original novel beats, not this shorter movie-based version. This level of comprehension makes sense, as its written simpler than Guardian so I should have an easier time following details in this. But lack of context means I have to put more effort into figuring out what scene is what if I don’t have any visual cues. So easier ‘written’ audiobook material is much more comprehensible now (easier than Guardian even since I know most words), but I still need context like an image or prior awareness of the overall plot or else I need to pay more careful attention to follow everything: https://youtu.be/HqCg5y8Nwhg

Sherlock Holmes 血字的研究: Some benefit just like Alice in Wonderland in that I have broad context (I know Watson and Sherlock live and work together to solve issues, Watson is a verteran and doctor). First 5 minutes I can vaguely tell its probably Watson narrating, that he lives in London, that before he might have been injured (I heard bing like sick or?) - I’m truly not sure what happened, and now after 5 minutes I heard ‘great friend’ and ‘touched shoulder’ and ‘gaoxing’ so happy. So I’m guessing Sherlock and Watson are interacting now. What improvement in my listening comprehension I can Notice - is that words stick out, phrases, and sentence structures (like finally, since, therefore, actions). So I feel if I paused I might be able to look up some words I notice but can’t understand, to follow along better. As the 2 of them have their conversation I can catch SOME details and I could probably follow what’s going on IF I had some prior context (like what the general case is about). But I only hear - its a pity, what happened last night, poor lad, fangzi, destination. So i’m not sure if someone died or was hurt or what happened the other night?? But again, conversations seem to be the easiest part to follow. For this particular audiobook I almost feel like if I just kept consistently listening or re-listening, I could understand more... like I probably know more words than I’m catching, but since my brain’s working on trying to catch the main gist plot right now its not grasping any details I might otherwise be able to notice. No prior context of plot, no image - hard lol. Unlike guardian, I cannot follow most of it. But I can catch bits of each scene, most clear are the dialogue parts (but cause I have no surrounding contexts I’m still pretty lost). Also the clear action parts are easier to follow (he spoke, moved, reacted to something). Mostly the lack of context is what’s making me struggle. In the descriptions I hear a lot phrases and words I recognize, but I’m struggling to comprehend them together. Unfortunately context is mostly in the description parts I can’t figure out lol. https://youtu.be/J1sbP6_3680

I suspect an audio DRAMA might be a little easier now. Since they’re mostly dialogue, and dialogue seems to be what I’m finding the most improvement in (from very vague to some of the clearest comprehended parts). I listened to tian ya ke audiodrama a few days ago and it was doable to follow along with - but that was before more Listening Reading Method, and of course my prior context (having seen the show/read part of the novel) means it was muchhhh easier to follow cause I had enough context to guess which scene each moment was supposed to be - so I didn’t have to figure out overall context, just details. 

[nad-zeta]

Hi can I please have a ikevamp matchup? I'm goth/emo and pansexaul. I dislike rude people, too much social interactions, people harming animals and loud children. Often can be found listening to music, playing games or with animals ao reading. I'm mostly a loner, have major trust issues, can be cold and vindictive, sarcastic to the fullest, insecure when people point out the scar over my right eye and notice my selfharm scars, tend to observe more than speak. Number 1, will send in nr 2-anon🐺

Number 2, people say I'm polite and wise and tend to notice smaller details and conversations more than others and also say I'm kind as long as people don't get on my bad side upon first meeting. I can hold a grudge but can also easily forgive and have an unhealthy obbsesion with drinking black bitter coffee. Hobbies are drawing, reading, writing, listening to music, chatting with my bestie, playing with animals, gardening and daydreaming.-Anon🐺

Hi hi, love! 😊I hope you are doing well. 🙌Thank you so much for the request and sorry for taking sooooo long with this!😱🙈❤ I hope you have a super good day and enjoy this!❤❤ 

So I match you with.................. Arthur

The first time you meet Arthur, he was hella intrigued. 

You couldn't sleep that first night you came to the mansion due to some crazy scary nightmares. You made your way down to the kitchen to make yourself a cup of coffee. As you entered into the dark kitchen you noticed a figure by the fridge, it was the mystery writer himself. At the sound your your footsteps entering into the kitchen he promptly shut the fridged and closed the distance between the two of you. He stared down at you with his ocean blue eyes gleaming in the darkness. That is when Sabastian joined the two of you in the kitchen carrying a clear crystal bottle with what appeared to be a thick red liquid inside. You eyed the bottle curiously, and that's when Arthur had revealed the Mansions secret to you as he downed it. You were honestly pretty shocked, but when Arthur got up close to you, you instantly believed him as staining the collar of his shirt was undeniably the crimson red colour of blood. 

You rushed back to your room freaking out, coffee long forgotten and somehow throughout the evening, you managed to pass out. You woke up to Comte sitting beside your bed with some breakfast. He spent the morning telling you all about the residence and the exact situation that you had managed to find yourself in. As Comte continued to explain the situation to you, you drifted off into a world of your own, replaying the previous night's events. You thought about Arthur and decided to low key forgive him for scaring you that previous night, as he was simply being honest, even though he could have done it in a less dramatic way.

You spent the day in your room, reading and writing. You didn't exactly feel like interacting with the residents, not cause of them being vampire but simply because you just didn't like social interaction in general, plus it had been a while since you last had time to completely relax. 

The next morning you woke up and made your way down to the kitchen. You started a fresh pot of bitter black coffee, just the way you like it and who should walk into the kitchen and steal the very cup of coffee you had been excited to drink…. Non-other than Arthur himself. "Hey, that's mine, if you want coffee, then I suggest you make your own," you scolded the author with a frown and grumbled sarcastic remarks at him under your breath as you move to make yourself a fresh cup. Arthurs's eyes gleamed in excitement you certainly were a feisty little creature. The two of you took your sarcastic banter to the dining room as breakfast was being served. You weren't really one for social interaction, but you did enjoy the back, and forth you had with Arthur. Usually, no one could keep up with your quickfire of witty remarks and sarcastic comeback, but here Arthur was, holding his own against you. 

When the next morning rolled by the exact same thing happened, Arthur yet again stole your freshly brewed cup of coffee, you let the first time slide but this time you narrowed your eyes at him plotting your revenge. Little did this mystery writer know, you were a rather vindictive kind of person. The next morning just as you predicted, Arthur showed up to steal your morning cup of coffee, except this time it wasn't coffee that he found himself drinking but a concoction of warm sludgy, muddy water. He spat it out and started rinsing his mouth under the kitchen tap, "serves you right," you legit couldn't hold back your laughter and hosed yourself laughing, watching the expression of disgust form on Arthur's face, "oh revenge certainly is sweet." This, my dear, is how the revenge war started between you and Arthur. Since that day, he would pull small pranks on you to get revenge, and you would plot a prank twice as good to get him back. You honestly enjoyed this little game the two of you played and even though you never like social interaction if it was with Arthur, you honestly didn't mind.

Speaking of games, one day, you walked into the game room to find Arthur and Isaac battling it out over a game of chess. You stood in the doorway next to Theo to watch the intense match between the two. Theo had warned you never to play a game against Arthur unless you wanted to lose, as he had never lost a single game in his life. You low key scoffed and laughed as it seemed he was losing at your little game of revenge, as his pranks were becoming more and more predictable. Issac hung his head in defeat, having lost yet another match against Arthur and now earning himself the nickname A-chan. You patted Isaac on the back and challenged Arthur to a game, winner takes all loser takes non. He simply shook your hand and smilingly accepted the bet

You challenged him to a game of rummy, and for the first time in Arthur’s life, he was sweating. You were definitely a tough opponent, and your observational skills were like his, second to none. The game had ended in a draw, so the two of you played another round one which you had managed to win by the skin of your teeth. You stood up, smiling triumphantly, and that's when he challenged you to a rematch. The two of you spent the afternoon playing various board games and trash-talking each other. You honestly loved playing games and playing against someone who could provide you with a good challenge definitely made it more enjoyable. You and Arthur actually added this to your list of fun activities to occasionally do together. It was always something which both of you looked forward to as it was always filled with laughter and witty banter.

Arthur quickly realized that you were incredibly smart and had a keen sense for picking up on finer details. So he invited you to tag along and play detective with him, helping him to solve some cases around town. TBH he pretty much pestered you into helping him, until you finally cracked one day. However, after having so much fun using your combined skills to solve a case you and Arthur teamed up and became the towns mystery solvers. Two of you work many a case together. Arthur legit loves working on various cases with you as this means he can spend more time with you and get to know you even better. 

You guys stumble on a case where the owner of a beautiful Germain Sheppard had kept the poor dog chained up in the backyard. As Arthur chatted with the owner, you went over to pat the dog, and that's when the blood drained from your face in horror. The poor dog was incredibly thin, and you could see scars all over his body from being abused. To top it all off there had even been fresh wound on his leg. You looked over to see that the poor had no access to fresh clean water, and looked incredibly thirsty. You opened your bag to retrieved your bottle of water, you poured some water in a small dish for the dog. The poor thing must have been incredibly thirsty as he drank up every last drop of water. Your heart broke in two, and you didn't want to leave the poor animal in this cruel man's care. Just then, the man came out with Arthur and was incredibly rude with you telling you to get away from his dog. That afternoon as you and Arthur walked back home, the poor dog had been on your mind. Arthur stop abruptly and stared down at you curiously, "you know luv, I would do anything you ask, all you have to do is say the word. I do hate to see you looking so down. So tell me what is it I can do to bring that beautiful smile back to your face." You had never seen Arthur look at you with so much love and worry before, he had always been a bit of a pain in the ass, but during the past few weeks, you couldn't help but fall in love with him. And at the moment with him staring at you so earnestly, you had realized you really had fallen for this man standing before you. 

Once the two of you got back home, you made your way to Arthurs room where you poured your heart out and told him that you hated rude people and you couldn't stand it when animals were being abused. Arthur simply nodded and smiled, "well then, what do you say we go and rescue that sweet dog from the clutches of the evil villain." You nodded and rolled your eyes slightly, trust the writer to create a story out of every situation. The two of you now sat side by side at the dining room table, each with a cup of bitter coffee in hand, planning the poor dog's daring rescue.

That night the two of you had successfully managed to save the poor dog. It took no effort at all for you to convince Comte to let you keep the cutie. After speaking with Comte about keeping the pet as your own, you walked back to your room, smiling at the memories you had created that night. Not only had you managed to rescue an animal in need, but after your daring rescue, you and Arthur were so excited at a job well done that he kissed you. On the walk home, you and Arthur had confessed your feeling for one another, and thus a new chapter in your life had officially started.

Often you could be found in the garden playing with your new pet. The second Arthur would hear the excited barks of the two dogs, he would put his pen down and rush downstairs to join the fun. He couldn't help but smile like a fool at the scene before him before joining in. The two of you would spend most afternoons playing with the animals while laughing and just having the best time together. 

You had actually been the one to introduce Arthur to gardening, as a therapeutic way for both of you to relax and unwind. Plus this pale British boy had never seen a drop of sunshine in his life, thanks to always being cramped up in his room writing, so it did him a world of good to get out of his room once a while to soak up that sweet vitamin D

Arthur, like you, has had to deal with a lot of pain from the past, so he never ever did mention anything about your scars to you. He knew that if you wanted to talk about them, you would. And you did, one day after he had told you all the traumas of his past and why it had taken him so long to confess his feelings for you, you told him about your past. That day the two of you completely let your guards down and let each other in. Arthur did everything in his power to be by your side whenever you were feeling insecure about your scars. You best be sure this boi will hold you tight and tell you how perfect and beautiful you are. If that doesn't work to quieten down your insecurities he will show you with action how much he loves and adores every inch of you.

Often the two of you cuties can be found just chilling together in Arthur's room. He would be slouched over his desk, writing the newest chapter, and you would be cuddled up on his couch reading about the latest topic of interest. When Arthur discovers that you also dabble in writing, he was legit over the moon. He would always insist you read your latest piece of writing to him as he rests his head on your lap, while you lazily pull your finger through his ocean locks. The two of you cuties would also sit and talk and talk for hours in deep conversation about anything and everything.

If the two of you aren't engaged in some kind of battle of wits, you are nestled in Arthur's arms as the two of you just enjoy a peaceful moment together wrapped in each other's warmth, each in a daydream of their own. Don't be surprised if this playboy drops a few sneaky kisses on your face as you comfortably rest in his arms, daydreaming away.

Other potential matches................. Vlad 

I hope you enjoyed this dear and I hope you have a super good day!❤❤😊🌻

[alyssa-explains-it-all]

Crush(ed) for the Holidays

I know this feeling that has settled over the past week. It feels delicate, vulnerable, and simultaneously hopeful and painful. You want to be optimistic, but your logic tells you that you have no concrete reason to be. You’re on the cusp of something that feels so major: a small heartbreak, the pain of which you’re afraid of, or an elevation because of reciprocation. And the latter is divinely magical and also feels so far away. Fantastical. But simultaneously not. Is your mind fooling you? What’s real?

You ask yourself how the hell did this happen. You went out twice and didn’t even kiss. And yet your mind has this endless list of questions you want to ask. You sincerely feel, for the first time in a long time, that I could genuinely talk to you all night. And really want that more than anything. It feels like high school. It feels like those nights before you even thought about sex or wanted that. Not because that doesn’t appeal; it’s just the mind appeals more. And you feel like this is more meaningful because it’s not just physical lust; it’s grounded in intellectual appreciation. This is the way you want people to fall for you: with your mind first and then your body. You know it’s real when...

This part of you that comes out, it’s vulnerable and a little scared and a little scary. You ask God or whoever’s up there why is this happening to me. What are you trying to teach me? This feels absurdist. I have no reason to feel this strongly so soon. Am I romanticizing this too much? Am I making something out of this that isn’t really there at all? It feels so soft. And fragile. And awful. And dreamy. And cozy. A place you want to leave and stay in forever at the same time. You need to go home, but the apartment you’re in is sooooo warm, and it’s cold out there. You don’t live here; you can’t stay here. Ok, but maybe for another hour I’ll linger.

You are so sad that you are so plagued by this. You are pretty certain the other person can’t nearly be as much. It all feels so nonsensical. And maybe even a little cruel. You never asked for this and yet here it is, your gift for the holidays: a crush suspended in motion until the new year where it either builds further or comes crashing down and is destroyed. And you have no clue which is going to happen. You’re afraid of both, to be completely honest. The second more than the first but the first too.

You hate how this feeling turns you into a neurotic, over-analytical person. You got given some baggage to carry, and you can’t just toss it aside. It follows you in your subconscious and comes out during the slow moments where the seconds feel longer. And you say, could you please f*ck off and the feeling just laughs. As if it’s going anywhere.

This is not where you want to be, yet here you are again in this tender spot. And your friends say it may not feel like it now, but it’s actually a very good, even great thing that you’re feeling this so strongly, that your breakup didn’t take away your capacity to. They say it’s a sign of strength. So why do you feel so weak?

You force yourself to progress, to try to put this feeling in a box that you tie neatly with pink ribbon and stick in the corner of your mind to come back to later. Patience was never your strong suit. Maybes never felt comfortable. You like resolution. You love control and yet you’ve lost control of the plot.

This all feel so hyperbolic and ridiculous and you felt it start to set in after that second date and it freaked you out then—rightly so—and then it crystallized and here you are. Is this a short story or a prologue? Is this going to be an unfortunate thing that comes and goes or the start of something bigger? And that bigger thing, what will it become? Something glorious or terrifying? Or glorious and then terrifying when it comes crashing down? You remember what happened last time. But it didn’t start like this.

You swear there’s no way he’s thinking like this at all. You re-read all the texts as if they’re some smiley-filled Morse code that’ll explain his psyche and you replay the moments that felt a little rom com-esque. And you ask whether it was just me and my romantic mind carrying me away or there was something concrete we both felt? You can never trust feelings, but they love to stay and consume you.

There was chemistry in the best and worst way; there was a spark that blew up in your face and took you completely off guard. It lit a little candle of hope you carry—a torch, ugh—that you can’t just blow out yet. Someday, this feeling will go away. The story will continue. But for now, because this does feel so rare, you decide to document it and bottle it up. What a beautiful thing to encounter again, even if it feels torturous and so irrationally brought on. What a privilege to feel this innocent again, this pure with only the best intentions. How nice is it to be reminded that after heartbreak, this unvarnished part of you still exists. It’s so special in a real loathsome way, to feel like this much of a smitten fool for someone who probably has no clue you do. And you wonder, if this happened to you so quickly and quietly, have you done the same thing to someone else too?

[creepypasta-fandom-is-trash]

what is your origin story for EJ

Well…it was something like this….

Warm sun glows and glitters down onto the small boy’s head. His little knees tucked up close to his stomach, leaving only enough room for the comically large book resting in his lap. A tiny pair of glasses slip slowly down the child’s nose as his blue orbs race across the page.  Small black frames contrasting wildly against his ivory colored skin and glassy eyes. Little brown curls dance down Jack’s forehead as the wind brushes softly against his frame. The scent of grass and wildflowers engulfing the boy as he frantically consumes the contents of the book under his hands.

“ In summary, the cornea is the clear, transparent front covering which admits light and begins the refractive process. It also keeps foreign particles from entering the eye,” Jack mumbles as he reads, the medical textbook weighing down his miniscule body as he squirms in place. The bark of an old oak tree scratches at the boy’s back through his red t-shirt, but that hardly bothers the freckly kid.

“Jack???” A deep, soft voice calls out from a distance “Jack, where are you??” Upon hearing his father’s voice, the boy curls up tighter in his spot, and tries to hide between the covers of the book. Heavy footsteps approach rapidly from behind him, soft worried huffing following. The sight of his father’s blue jeans out the corner of his eyes causes Jacky to shrink up further.

“I’m not here,” He whispers feebly, trying with all his 7-year-old might to hide from his father.

“Jack, what on earth have I told you about taking my textbooks?” his father crouches down besides him.

“That these are very expensive,” Jack mumbles.

“And?

"And you don’t want to lose me….” A shameful flush crosses the boy’s cheeks. “That’s right Jay,” the father scoops him up effortlessly. Naturally, Jack grumbles and squirms, trying to protest the affection from his father. Because, as all humans know, being loved by your parent is sooooo uncool when you’re in third grade.  

“Dad stop,” the boy growls softly, trying to crawl out of his parent’s arms. A heavy sigh leaves the older man.

“One day you'lml wish you had a dad around,” he hums

“Never!” the midget whines.

“Wanna bet?”

“yeah, five bucks!”

Apparently to Jack, five dollars is prime real estate.

“Alright kid. I’ll take you up on your offer….”

A soft gasp escapes Jack’s soft pale being as he jerks up in bed. Papers fall from his messy covers and scatter onto the floor with a dramatic flutter. Panting, Jack runs his hands through his wild mane of near-black hair, trying to will away the cold sweat running down his back. Despite his thin t-shirt, the poor man feels both ridiculously hot and frighteningly cold at the same time.

A sense of throbbing loneliness crosses over Jack as he turns his gaze over to the dark nightstand to his left. A series of small knick knacks lay scattered about. A half-solved rubik’s cube, some broken pens, a picture of mom and dad…A small alarm clock on the desk reads off five-o-clock a.m. The red glow of the little numbers hardly registers in the mind of the man as he sleepily tries to gather himself together.

“Ugh,” Jack grumbles, slipping out of the bed and searching meekly for his clothes. A huff comes from his bunkmate, the weed-scented teen rolling over in his fitful sleep.  Cringing, the spindly man slips into his clothes and snatches his backpack off the floor.

“Keep it down,” groans his buzzed roommate. his gastly complexion obvious as he grabs his blanket and drowns his himself in it.

“Shut up grassyass,” retorts the scholar as he angrily storms from the tiny dorm. The halls glow dimly with lights plugged into the wall,  just enough lighting to allow those drunk and late-working students to return to their dorms with semi-accuracy. Jack’s time-worn shoes thump against the floor clumsily as  he traverses this strange area. Of course the day wont be of any particular excitement. And Jack is very much aware of this trivial fact. And it is in his mind something else to not care about. His mind is on the schedule.

“Advanced Anatomy, Chemistry 104, Med lab no. 2….” Mumbling is what brings Jack comfort as he walks down the many flight of stairs to his earliest classes. Though mumbling is probably an issue when it comes to paying attention to the hallways.

“fuck,” grunts a random student walking down the halls, his shoulders slumped and head cast downward.

“pardon?” Jack hums, turning back to the stranger to see if he is okay.

“You should have bumped into me,” the freak grunts “It would have been a life saver.” And with that, the stranger rushes off, his face pointed to the end of the hallway as if it were an angel sent from heaven. Confusion fills the poor college student as he watches the freakish man stand at the end of the hall.

“what?…” Jack mumbles, slowly turning and rushing away from the teen.

Despite not seeing the strange student again for the rest of the morning, Jack can’t help but feel watched, The burning gaze of unseen eyes trailing along his shoulders and head as he walks briskly around campus.

The warm spring air felt suffocating against his neck as he meandered among the lazy old spruce trees and mildly exhausted students. Nothing felt better than a blast of cool air inside the main recreation center attached to the cafeteria. Sitting inside, the young man munches disdainfully on a sub sandwich, his back hurting from hours of hunching over papers. Softly, as if it were merely from a dream, a soft song begins to play from Jack’s backpack. It’s an old jingle on the piano, one that his mother used to play when he wouldn’t go to bed at night. Quickly snatching his phone from the bag, he answers.

“Hello?” grumbles the student, “who is this?

”“who is this?” Jests a familiar deep voice “Jeez kid I didn’t think you’d forget me like this.” A soft rush of shame crosses Jack’s body as he wiggles awkwardly in his spot.

“Sorry dad,” he hums “I guess I’ve just been on edge all day…”

“I should expect so,” His father replies with pride “My boy is getting his PhD in neurosurgery next month! At the age of twenty-hecking-four!” A blush covers Jack’s freckly face as he looks away from  his fellow students.

“Dad…” He grumbles “C'mon it’s no that big of a deal” A scoff comes from the speaker.

“Not that big of a deal my ass, your mother and I are counting down the days until we get to be there for your graduation!!” Warmth blossoms in Jack’s chest as he listens to his father blabber on about his accomplishments.  The other students cast him strange looks as they pass by, his awkward form curled up on the floor blushing and listening to his phone. Sadly checking the time, Jack reluctantly clears his throat.

“Dad, I need to go to my next lab,” Jack interrupts, awkwardly packing his things together.

“Okay kiddo,” his father chuckles in return

“We love you, kid.”

“love you too dad.”

Worrying is never a good idea, when it comes to issues it is best to merely assess your options and acquire the tools necessary to fix it. The solution to many problems is just a walk in the park. Or in this case, a walk in the forest. Soft moist earth is crushed easily under Jacks worn red sneakers as the tired boy meanders through the hiking trails by the campus. Old birch and oak trees sway and dance in the light wind. Jack’s favorite thing about being in the woods is the seclusion.

Cool breezes rush over his head and tousle his hair as he meanders down the trail. Finally, after a day of racing around and avoiding the eyes of unseen watchers, it’s nice to relax. With each step Jack finds himself more relaxed, more relieved from his fears.   The sun creeps down behind the distant hills, the crickets calling out to each other as the world around them darkens. Owls hoot and holler from their perches on the treetops, breaking the peaceful silence. Soft bubbling of a nearby creek bringing a small smile to Jack’s face. Turning his head, the exhausted college students note several people in a clearing surrounded by heavy bags and random items.

"Campers?” Jack mumbles “on a Tuesday??” confusion fills the man’s chest as he slowly meanders away from the rapidly darkening clearing. Probably just a bunch of stoners, its not uncommon for kids like that to hide out in the forest to hide the smell of their smoke. Nonetheless, the sapphire-eyed man shuffles further into the forest.

Eventually, the sun does set, and the night takes hold of the forest. And, being a man with poor directional skill, Jack finds himself hopelessly lost. Confusion absolutely consumes the tall sleepy man as he paces confusedly in a small clear patch within the forest.

“Hey man, what are you doing here?” A voice cuts into Jack’s worried meandering. Looking up, Jack’s eyes meet dirty blue ones. A dark-haired guy a few years younger than him with bushy sideburns on his cheeks and a tattered old jacket covering his frame.

 "I’m lost,“ Jack replies, nervously rubbing the back of his head "Could you point me back towards my college? Faraday University?” The strange, tired-looking man points down a random trail.

“That way…” He grumbles “It’s best not to come to these parts right now, kid.”

“I’m pretty sure I’m older than you, bub,” Jack chuckles, shoving his hands into his pockets “But thanks!” the man adjusts his tan jacket and huffs, shaking his head.

“Jeez,” the stranger mumbles “Richard would love you.” Confused, Jack casts the strange man a soft scowl before racing off down the trail.

“weirdo…” Jack grumbles as he stumbles head first into a projectile rock.

Thunk

Pain thumps through Jack’s head as he wriggles on the ground. A soft trickle of blood racing down his forehead as he squirms. The sensation of rough rope around his ankles and wrists squeezes and tugs at his soft pale skin. Slowly, Jack opens his eyes, the blaring light from flashlights surrounding him.

“He is awake” hums one of the hooded people standing to his right “Prepare the tools.” reality comes crashing back down onto Jack as he looks around. The rope bites down into his skin and causes his wrists to bleed, panic fills his chest like ice water and sweat races down his neck. Arms and legs held apart by rope, Jack yanks and struggles violently against his bindings. A choked sob escapes his throat as two cloaked individuals kneel by his head.

“Hush now,” whispers a soft, feminine voice “This is for the good of the world.” Pure excitement shakes in the young woman’s voice as she places her hands on Jack’s forehead, coating her delicate fingers in crimson as she forces him to lay flat on the ground. A second person pries open Jack’s mouth and jaws with their fingers, not minding the harsh bites they received from the pale kidnappee. Forcing a strange metal contraption into Jack’s mouth, the hooded freak forces the young man’s jaws to be held in place by the mechanism. Soft fearful wails escaped Jack’s maw as he tries to struggle. “Help…” He thinks desperately, his throat growing hoarse from yelling. A third person approaches, sitting on his chest and preparing a metal spike in their hands. Pressing the tip of the spike onto Jack’s front teeth, the stranger pulls a mallet from their cloak. Fear-laced tears bubble out of Jack’s eyes as he wails helplessly.

CRACK

A pain-filled scream escapes the poor college student as the spike snaps his front teeth. Blood fills Jack’s mouth as he gurgles and writhes in place. The spike is placed close to his molars.

CRACK

CRACK

CRACK

Horrible screams leave Jack’s mouth, the urge to vomit rising as his tongue is coated in his mutilated teeth shards and blood. Quickly, the metal bit is moved from his jaws and the hooded figures back off. As soon as they do so, Jack heaves and vomits onto the ground beside his head.

“Help me!” He screams “Please! Someone! Anyone!” Slowly, the cult around him begin to dig, burying their hands into the earth and flinging clods of muck everywhere. A large circular moat forms around Jack, his body sore and filthy form. Blood trickles down from Jack’s mouth as he heaves and sobs softly. With some hesitation, Jack closes his eyes to shield himself from the scene. “Mom…Dad…” Jack’s mind wanders in a pain-induced stupor “I’m so sorry…” Hands grab and tug at his shoes and arms, the stranger tugging at his fingers and yanking off his socks.  

“I love you both so much”

A metal piece is shoved under his right thumbnail, prying up his nail and yanking it off.

“I wish I could have made you proud of me”

Pliers meticulously remove his toenails, the sickening cracking and snapping of his skin and nails ringing out like gong strikes.

“I wish I could come home”

Soon, his fingernails are gone, the pain pulsing up his arms and legs as blood gushes wildly from his hands.

"I wish I could be there…”

With all of his nails removed, Jack opens his eyes feebly, noting the hot ring of soon-to-be fire in the trench. But this discovery is hardly  important as Jack’s head is forced to face the sky. Soft chanting emits from the strangers around him, soft rhythmic chanting from a language that Jack has never really heard like this.

“Thank you,” Whispers a soft, delicate voice from his right “You will make a mighty fine vessel for our lord.” faint confusion fills Jack’s body as he stares up into the starless, moonless night sky.

Suddenly, the metal spike returns, pushing in between his eyelid and eye and digging into the socket. A fresh volley of pained screams escape from Jack’s mouth as the eyelid is stretched wider. A scoop-shaped something pushes up underneath his eyeball, forcing the delicate skin to the sides of his eye to rip open and bleed profusely. Pain pulses through his skin and bones as a wild, animal-like wail fills the air. Soon, with another sharp burst of pain, all sight fades away from Jack’s right eye. A soft, disgusting slurping sound can be heard over the ringing in Jack’s ears. With his one working eye, Jack sees the beautiful blue form of his right eye being dropped into a small jar.

The chanting grows ever louder as a final hooded figure stands over Jack’s legs, straddling his thighs and forcing him to be immobile.  With his attention focused on the new hooded cultist, Jack hardly notices the tugging of his left eyelid until the bloody spike is shoved into it. A pained wail is all that Jack can manage as the man standing above him readies what looks to be a large sledgehammer. The scoop comes under his left eye and the familiar sensation of skin tearing by his eyes comes again.  

Just as the scoop tears out Jack’s left eye, the man swings the sledgehammer down into his right hip like a wrecking ball.

C R A C K

A violent scream of pain fills the air as Jack’s tailbone snaps, his body flooding with intense pain. The urge to vomit rises up again, yet Jack can’t gather the strength to move, his body broken by the horrible things that have happened. Footsteps indicate that the cult is stepping back.

“ пожалуйста, ребенок, открой себя нашему хозяину” someone in the group grumbles, stepping closer and kneeling down by Jack’s head. Slowly, the group begins to chant softly.

“ восхвалять повелителя , восхвалять повелителя , восхвалять повелителя ,восхвалять повелителя  ,восхвалять повелителя….”

And with the finality of a mother whispering softly to their baby, the woman kneeling by Jack’s head murmurs into his ear.

“Chernobog.”

Confusion was short-lived with Jack as his eyelids are pried open and scalding hot liquid is poured inside. The smell of singed flesh and hair filling the air along with the foul stench of tar and brimstone as the liquid in his eye sockets pool down and out from between his eyelids.  Pain, anguish, fear,  no longer is Jack able to comprehend the world around him as the shock sets in. And the world goes black…

[hollyhomburg]

Namjoon Soulmate AU : Wings and Thorns

Concept:  Your tattoo is supposed to somehow lead you to your soulmate- but you have no idea why your soulmate is obsessed with birds and he has no idea how the plethora of blooms on his chest is supposed to help him find you at all. 

or

Sometimes soulmate marks just make it more difficult and sometimes; this makes you want to give up looking for them all together. 

Authors Note: I know I said I was going to wait to release this but tldr I couldn't fucking sit on this because it's just so sweet 💕 💕 💕

(so soft) (those collar bones) (damn)

- Both you and Namjoon have the soul mate system of tattoo’s.

- You get your tattoo before he gets his.

- At first, yours is just a bunch of curving lines, until one day you wake up to bird wings dashing against your arm- still grey and not colored like they would be if your soul mate loved you.

- And your heart drops because damn, you’ve been waiting for this for so long.

- Both of you got your Soulmark really late- like early 20′s when most people get them before they reach puberty. 

- Sometimes the bird wings change- sometimes they have stripes and sometimes they don’t, sometimes they’re tucked against bodies and you can almost make out beaks whereas other times they’re blurry with movement. 

- Your friend finds her soul mate after she realizes her abstract tattoo is a map of the Seoul subway system- and that’s when you start to get discouraged. 

- Because most people who have your soul mate system have a map or something but you have no idea what these wings are supposed to mean and how you’re supposed to find your soulmate. 

- And besides- your mark isn’t colored; your soulmate doesn’t love you- at least not yet. Why would you spend time looking for someone who doesn't want you?

- It takes a few more months for Namjoon to get his soulmate mark.

- He wakes up in the morning listening to the shrill shriek of the crows outside his window to a sharp pain on this chest.

- When he looks in the mirror there are red roses- really no more than a tangle of thorns, deep green leaves, and almost buds vining across him and winding down to his stomach. 

-  And all he thinks is damn- this is going to be hard to hide, but he’s also happy. 

- Because the vines are a deep green- not black and white like they could be which means his soul mate already loves him. Someone out there loves him. 

- After that, he has to stop wearing deep v’s, popping his collar, and wearing white shirts because the marks are so dark that they show through anything.

- And he doesn’t exactly want his soulmate mark on display to everyone- especially because of his adoring fans. 

- Your tattoo’s both change pretty regularly.

- Your wings get larger- like that of an albatross, stretching across your back and shoulders (this happens when Namjoon’s flying to other countries).

- Sometimes you get full birds with bright eyes (when he’s on a role creating music). Other times it’s just a tangle of wings and what looks suspiciously like song lyrics (when his schedules too busy for him to feel much of anything at all).  

- And of course, his flowers change.

- The buds open on the day’s when you feel the most yourself. 

- Sometimes he looks up the meaning of the flowers that appear on his chest.  

- Red amaryllis bloom on him when you are at your most confident. 

- Crocuses bloom when you’re feeling happy. 

- Months go by- and then a year, then another; until he realizes its been 5 and he still has no idea how he’s supposed to find you. 

- He goes to conservatories and flower shops between his busy schedules- but he doesn’t find anyone with a mark that could relate to him in any way- it starts to feel like you’re more of a dream than a person. 

- But then the little purple blossoms of anemone start showing up- and when he looks up the meaning of them he chokes on his coffee- because anemone means the feeling of being forsaken and fading hope. 

- And spring is starting- if you loved flowers as much as he did now- he would think that you’d be happy that everything is about to be in bloom. But here are cyclamens blooming across his abdomen- which makes his breath catch because they mean resignation and goodbye.  

- His strife is further heightened by the larkspur, which grows across his forearms- and he knows that you are giving up on him. 

- It’s been years at this point- so he can’t really blame you. he listens to the owls at night and sends words to you through the faint bond, his hand resting on his chest- on his tattoo, the only piece of you he has. 

- Please is all he said, please don’t forget about me just yet. 

- You wake up with golden owl eyes peering out at you from behind the veil of a wing on your wrist.

- You live On the other side of the city- you’ve been apart of bird watching groups since you first realized your soul mark was wings and despite the fact that the birds are lovely the endeavor has brought you no closer to finding your soul mate.

- At first, you tried to follow seasonal migrations thinking that the crow-tit feathers on your shoulder had to do with the winter months. 

- But then it changes to ravens and grackles and back again, the only thing that gives you pause is the fact that now your tattoo is collored now- but with most of the birds being black or white it hardly makes a difference. 

- The most common bird you get from Namjoon is a pigeon, which can be anything from bright and iridescent grey to pure white.

- On those days your tattoo looks more like scars and having a soul mate mark like this feels more like a wound. 

- And it’s been so long- and you still don’t feel any closer to finding him. 

- So gradually- you stop following bird migrations, you stop commenting on bird watching forums, you wear long sleeve shirts and pretend your soulmate mark isn’t there.

- Namjoon wakes one day too vines of forsythia’s crossing across his chest. Yellow blooms contrasting nicely with his silver hair. And he remembers that both Hoseok and Tae are going to go see the forsythia festival today and he feels his heart jump uncomfortably and knows that he has to go. 

- He can only hope that you’re going to be there- but in his heart, he knows you will be- you have to be. The flowers have been getting dimmer day by day- the color bleeding into him 

- And it’s not exactly common for soul mate marks to disappear but he doesn’t want to lose the flowers- he doesn’t want to lose the possibility he has with you

- When you wake up your arms are flushed with creamy white crane feathers and blue tipped black wings. But unlike all of the other times your soul mark has changed this time there is something there. 

- A flower held in a beak- the tiny yellow 4 petals of a forsythia. And you remember an advertisement you saw on your way to work of the forsythia festival that would be at it’s peak today. 

- (Forsythia’s mean anticipation btw)

- So you go to the forsythia festival and bring your camera- it’s a warm day- so you wear a white shirt letting your mess of a mark show for once. Its small but it’s enough. 

- You’re walking through the isles of forsythia when Namjoon spots you. 

- He’s wearing a tank top to show his soulmate mark as well and he’s a little cold- but the brown branches of his mark contrast nicely against it. 

- At first he doesn’t pay the cute girl any mind- after all he’s interested in finding his soul mate not someone who’s bird watching. 

- At first he thinks the white wings are scars, but then you turn, and he sees the beak clutching the bloom on the inside of your wrist- the same flowers that vine across his chest

- And he walks up to you, you turn and lock eyes with him, your eyes slowly run over his chest where the flowers are blooming as he takes in your arms- bird wings. 

- He should have known that would be your mark.

- He listens to the birds every morning when he wakes up- he’s written songs about wings, about Baepsae and flying away. 

- No wonder it was hard for you to find him. No wonder it was almost all up to him. 

- You are also amused by the flowers- you’ve always loved them so much. 

- Taking every chance to walk the nature trails around Seoul on your spare weekends.

- You introduce yourself and when he looks down the flowers are blooming slowly from the forsythias to the red spider flower and white orange blossom (devotion and eternal love). 

- The wings are shifting beating at a hummingbirds pace and his gaze paints green and purple-red iridescence on your skin. For a second you almost think you see a butterfly. 

- You just sit for a second with him and watch your soulmate marks shift. 

- Taehyung and Hoseok give you both a moment and disappear to wander the trails. 

- Namjoon smiles down at you showing you his dimples that you can't help but think are sooooo freaking adorable. 

- You’re smiling too- you can’t imagine that you almost gave up on a this-this connection that’s electric and so strong. 

- He runs his fingers over the winds on your arms and you feel like he’s rubbing sparks into your skin. 

- Namjoon smiles and plays with your fingers, as you sit down on a bench and introduce yourselves. 

- A yellow petal falls into your hair, and he brushes it away before pressing his lips to yours. Feathers burst from your skin as pink roses bloom on his collarbones and you break apart laughing. 

- “You are so annoying!” you say, and he looks incredulous, “Do you know how many bird watching clubs I tried to join to find you?” his smile is incandescent when he presses your hand to his face.

- Now that he’s got your skin against his he never wants to let go of the feeling. 

- “I could say the same about you- I must of read every single book on the meaning of flowers.” You giggle at that and extend a finger out to trace the blooms on his neck, and he shivers. He runs his hands across your shoulders his long fingers trace feathers and fletching’s and the wings that have sprouted on your shoulders. 

- At the beginning of your courtship, you meet up in most public places, where he can watch your feathers change and you can watch the garden on his chest. 

- You meet up at coffee shops and he doodles flowers on your hands while you talk about your life, your work just everything. 

- He understands you so well. and when he talks too you he finally feels like he’s found someone that will make his life easy- everything is almost effortless with you. 

- Accidentally swapping coffees to find you both like the same amount of sugar- he picks up your favorite food by accident- somehow just knowing without asking. You run your fingers through his hair in just the way he likes. You know instantaneously by looking at him on the bad days that he needs a minute too just be quiet and listen to the birds. 

- Eventually you shift too more intimate dates. 

- Where you end upon top of him tracing the azaleas while he brushes his fingers over the expanse of your tattooed back. Today you have the white wings of a swan.

- He calls you” angel”, and you Jokingly call him “flower”

- And you both can't help but think that the beginning of your soul mate marks was so stupid and infuriating but now you wouldn’t trade any of it for the world.

- Your apartment has birdfeeders on the balcony- and he buys you flowers every chance he gets. Somehow your home always ends up smelling like roses. 

[writingandmore]

Match-up submitted by totally-not-a-weirdo

i’d love to get a match-up from harry potter, hetalia, voltron and mystic messenger, if it isn’t too many fandoms! and i’m sorry for any mistakes in my description! 

(Note: The actual match ups start after the page break!) 

APPEARANCE:

- i’m rather slim and tall (5’ 6.6"), but i like walking in heels, so i can look at almost everyone from above. i’m also pale (sometimes nearly white) what looks great with my golden, medium hair (ah, modesty, where are you) which pretty often are curly (they’re naturally straight, but i prefer them in a curly version). i’m blushing for most time of my life, but not because it’s easy to embarrass me (it’s very hard an actually). it’s just… everytime when i’m smiling, laughing or i’m excited my cheeks (and nose) start to blush and i can’t really help it. i don’t have precised style of clothing, everything depends on my mood or situation, but i truly enjoy clothes (especially dresses and skirts) from 40s, 50s.

PERSONALITY:

- some people call me a sunshine, probably because of my happy attiude and just being a good person. i also love helping others (welp, my dream is being a psychologist, so) and make them happy, so if anyone has a problem, i’m always there for them. i’m rather patient and i’m a good listener, i’m trying advise them well and make them feel better. and i guess i’m good at it.

- laughing, i just love to laugh. my sense of humour is a mix of black and ironic humour, vines, memes, pick-up lines, so not everyone understand my jokes, but at least my and my friends have a good fun!

- i’m scatterbrained af, everyone can confirm that. i often forget to do something or i forget a word and my sentence doesn’t make sense and sometimes i don’t even notice my mistakes. i wasn’t born in city and i don’t visit any of them too often, so i’m pretty lost when i’m coming there; schedules of anythings are black magic for me, so i prefer going with someone more responsible than me.

- i’m quite confident i guess; even if i seem like a one, big extrovert (but i would call myself ambivert better; it’s like 40% of introversion and 60% of extraversion), the true is that most of my friends are introverts (still don’t know how and why), so if i see they’re feeling too troubled to ask someone about anything, i do it for them. sometimes i’m also leader of some groups, however i don’t mind it; i wouldn’t say that i’m a born leader, but i’m also not bad that much, i speak loudly and i always make sure that everyone is listening to me. my self-esteem for sure isn’t low, even if sometimes i have got my worse days, i don’t let them take over me.

- even if i seem like a someone confident, i’m often surprisingly awkward when it comes to meeting new people. like, i’m trying to be positive and confident, but my nervousness is pretty visible and it’s annoying me, but i can’t help it. so i’m truly thankful if someone talks to me first and is more confident than me; then for sure i won’t let him feel awkward too and i’ll try my best to be a good conversionalist!

- i love to discuss with other people, learn about someone’s point of view, exchanging opinions and beliefs. sometimes i can talk literaly for hours (as long as my conversionalist will respect me and my opinion at least). i’ve heard many times that i’m really open-minded and mature, because my vocabulary is more advanced than the rest of my peers. and well, i guess that’s true, because i read a lots of books (my favourite literary genres are probably autobiographies, dramas and historical books) since i was young and i’ve also written stories on my own, but for now, i simply can’t do it. it’s because of lack of afflatus, i have many ideas but i can’t realise them, eh.

- independence, oh independence~! it means a lot to me. really a lot. i hate when someone thinks that i’m their property and they can command me what can i do and what can’t i do. i usually very easily cut my ties with that person, because their behavior simply makes me feel sick. but also it depends. i’m very understanding so if i know this jealous person very well and i know that they truly care about me, i would try to help them somehow with their flaw. i really appreciate when someone jealous try to restrain themselves from being possesive and i will make sure to praise them for that.

- unfortunately, i’m a lazy ass and i’m quitter. i’d love to try many things, write many stories (yup, i’m a writer) but i often give up too fast; also, most of my friends are like me, so (again) unfortunately, i don’t have someone who would kick my ass when i’m too lazy to do something. motivating me isn’t too hard tho, i just need someone who would keep an eye on me (i’m such a big kid, grrr).

- i’m tolerant and understanding af. i don’t have any problem with someone who is different than rest of society (trans, non-hetero, non-catholic people, anyone and anything, really); duh, i respect and i simply love people like that! they fascinate me, i want to know more about them, i want to understand them. maybe because of that, that i’m also not like the rest of society; my thoughts about everything aren’t typical for sure. i easily forgive. very easily. too easily. no matter how much you hurt me, i just can’t be mad at you too long. everyone says that it’s a good quality, but sometimes i feel like i don’t have pride because of that, that i don’t know my own worth and i am pathetic (haha, tragic backstory, welcome).

- many people see me like a social, carefree and confident person, so they’re always surprised when they find out that i was bullied, because i don’t remind typical victim of bullying. maybe because i wasn’t so lonly and i had ‘friends’ (even if they never defended me, but they were still by my side, so) and maybe my bullying wasn’t too extreme; just some insults for a few years but it was enough to ruin my self-esteem and my confidence. because when i was younger i was full extrovert, i could make new friends very easily with everyone, i was truly a sunshine. now i’m only a ray of sunshine; i have problems with making new friends, i hate and i am even a little bit afraid passing by group of boys (because it were boys who bullied me). i lost a lots of my old attiude and sometimes i miss this ease of making new friends and adapting to new community, but these years of bullying also learned me a lot of empathy towards other, being observant and somehow, thanks to that i was able to made a lots of new friends on the internet who really helped me durning this hard time. i learned a lots of things and even if i wish that some things would be easier, i’m proud of this who i am now.

FACTS:

- i don’t like describing myself as a hetero, homo, be or whatever, especially when i’ve never fallen in love with anyone. indetify yourself as a full homo/hetero/bi is a little bit unreasonable i think. like, you don’t know what the future holds and you can’t be completly sure that you won’t fall in love with someone the same/opposite gender. life is one big surprise, so. but i think that i could be demiromantic and demisexual/asexual, but it’s only mine assumption. since i’m tolerant, i don’t care what gender will be my future partner, as long as they will be a good person.

- i’m ticlish and general, touch-sensitive, especially on my belly. and arms.

- i’m rather chilly person (expect summer), my hands are cold af and when everyone doesn’t complain about temperature and they’re pretty neutral, i almost always wear my leather jacket, because for me it isn’t warm enough (and here’s the other reason why i love lean on other people so much; i can steal their body heat~). but if someone say that he’s/she’s cold, i give them my jacket althought i’m also freezing. but tbh, my body temperature is really complicated, because when i’m at home and it isn’t too warm, i could normally walking in underwear, when others complain about coldness. idk how my body works, really.

- i’m a toucher, but not in a sexual way (for most of time at least). i just truly love to have physical contact with people i care about; i like to hold their hands or lean on them, hug them. it makes me very happy, relaxed and it’s a sooooo comfortable~! ♥ but i understand when someone isn’t too comfortable with so much affection and i’m not that clingy towards them even if i really want to.

- many people think that i never cry, even my friends, because durning so many years of our friendship they have never seen me crying and i hope it will be this way. it’s not like i don’t trust them or anything; in fact i trust them very much. i just hate crying in front of anyone, it makes me feel pathetic and weak, so i cry when no one looks, but i’m not sure if my “cry” could be called crying. because of many reasons, i get used to cry silently; i just let my tears run down my face for a few minutes and then i can easily settle down, so it’s hard to see if i was really crying, because my eyes aren’t even swollen. but idk why, after my “crying”,

INTERESTS:

- linguistic (i love talking and traveling, so languages are very helpful, for now i speak polish (but it’s my native language so), english (rather fluently, idk), i understand russian very well since it’s similiar to polish, but i’m trying to improve, because i’m still not good at it).

- psychology, i love helping people and i hope i will be able to do it in the future. one of my friends have got a mental problems and they go to the psychologist for a few years now, but it isn’t getting better, no matter how many times they changed psychologist, they couldn’t find someone who could help them. and it makes me so freaking frustrated that either psychologist or i can’t help them. but i truly hope that i will be a good psychologist, able to help anyone who needs me.

- reading and writing (it’s kinda sad but i’ve never written any good romance although i tried. my stories always were filled with magic (harry potter bish), darkness and a lots of action and i simply didn’t have a time to write a good romance, so i created some fleeting flirts to satisfied my readers, hah)

- writing letters (i’ve got some friends from other countries and we send each other letters about ourselves; it’s really great fun and experience)

- volleyball and physical activity (i love playing volleyball, it’s the only sport i’m getting involved that much. sometimes i spend with my bro hours on playing, but i’m still not enough and i wanna more. i even tried to create female’s volleyball club, but unfortunately, there weren’t enough girls who wanted to play, so club didn’t last. i tried reactivate it twice, but i failed every time. now i try don’t think too much about volleyball, because i don’t want to disappoint myself again), i also like vintage and folklore.

WHAT MY FRIENDS THINK OF ME:

“from what i see, sometimes you worry too much about everything and you often get excited about something, you want to do it, but in the end, you don’t do it. also, you’re empathetic af. you’re very helpful, kind and you seem like you want to make everyone happy and you don’t have someone you truly hate. there’s something about you that makes unbosoming to you very easy; when i want to ask you about something, i’m not afraid that you will give me bad advice or you will think something bad about me”

“my frist impression about her? well, i thought that she was a really, like really friendly person. furthermore, open-minded, funny, motivated and full of attitude for life. she seemed like a someone very popular, someone unreachable for me, because she had a lots of friends. and was it only impression? nope. when i got to know her better, she still was very kind girl, who willingly wants to help other people. she can truly boost someone’s self-esteem and compliment them in a very uniqe way. she’s an observer, she easily sees someone’s good and bad qualities. she’s inspiring; her open-mindedness, her self-esteem. it’s impossible to not admire her. when you look at or talk with her, you want to be better person and love yourself more. just like kise from knb, she’s very independent; you better not try to tie her down. she’s also very funny and tolerant, she never exclude anyone.”

“i think you’re really stubborn, you always have opinion about everything and you aren’t afraid to say it out loud, what can be seem like a good or bad quality. you’re also really open and you never judge people by apperance, but by their actions and it’s very good. just like your desire to helping people, but sometimes i get the feeling that you focus too much on the one person and you don’t notice someone with even bigger problem, who hide their problems behind the ’'mask”. but i appreciate that when it starts making uncomfortable, you’re always trying to lighten up atmosphere with some funny joke. also, i really like your advanced voculabry and that, that you’re this type of person who inspire to being better human, not worse"

Match Ups- 

Harry Potter: Remus Lupin! 

 - Remus would be really drawn to someone who is happy and confident, since he’s pretty shy in general, and he needs someone to bring him out of his shell a little. 

 -He’s a really organized person too, so he’d definitely be willing to help make sure you remember everything and keep a pretty decent schedule. 

 -He’s also pretty well-rounded and smart, so he’d be all for having long discussions on different topics with you too! 

 - Being open-minded is a big factor too, obviously, since Remus is a werewolf and therefore needs someone who can handle that. Being understanding and kind to him would make a world of difference to him. 

Hetalia: Alfred F. Jones (APH America) 

 -Would love to be around you because of your bright personality, and also your sense of humor (he could quote vines all day). 

-Since he’s pretty extroverted too, he could help with meeting new people, because he wouldn’t mind starting up the conversation and you jumping in later since he knows you’re a little nervous about that. 

 -He’s not a big fan of giving up, especially on something someone’s passionate about, so he’d really encourage you to keep writing. 

-Alfred’s pretty clingy too, so he would have no problem with you being touchy either! 

Voltron: Prince Lotor 

 -With all of the things Lotor has had to go through in his life, he needs someone kind and compassionate to be around him, since he hasn’t really seen a lot of that in his life, and it would make him a better person. 

 -He is also interested in psychology, since it was a good topic to know about when planning tactics, so he’d love that he could talk to someone else about it. 

 -Although he would be protective of you, he would be very aware of giving you your own space, since he’s had to deal with that in the past. 

 -You being sweet and friendly would probably make the members of Voltron a lot more trusting of you, and therefore him as well, so you two would have a good relationship with all of them too. 

Mystic Messenger: Jaehee Kang

 -Jaehee has a ton of stressful days, so going to see someone so positive and good at listening would always make her feel better. This would really draw her closer to you!

 -If you are really serious about writing something consistently, she’d always be there to help you make a schedule and help you stick to it. She might even get things like your favorite foods or little presents on certain days if you reach your writing goal! 

 -She would also like having thoughtful conversations with you, and would always love to learn something new, so she’d love to listen to your interests in linguists and other subjects. 

 -If you told her, she’d try to be really aware of what the crowds were like when you two go out anywhere, so you don’t have to walk by any large groups that would make you nervous, but she wouldn’t outright say she was doing it for your sake because she’d get embarrassed. 

[gplusbfics]

DS9 Garashir Fanfic Rec: “Kadz & Moxh"

We’ve all read the post-canon Cardassia fic where Bashir is either visiting or living with Garak while doing medical work on the planet. They’re not really in a relationship yet, but they’re friendly. Well, imagine this... but then imagine if Bashir happens upon two teenagers who are the last people Garak or any other upstanding or even half-upstanding Cardassian would want to associate themselves with -- and Bashir of course wants to help them. It could ruin their friendship... or maybe transform it? Without giving away all the twists and turns of this trilogy, I’ll reveal that it’s the latter; their lives, and the teens’ lives, are transformed in all kinds of ways. Nothing comes easy, though. 

Background: I came across this amazing three-parter, by Henrietta Wotton, a couple of years ago and I was all set to share it last summer when nooooooo! I got a 404 on it. But thanks to the waybackmachine, I found it again -- all three parts. And rather than risk losing them to the sands of time, posting them here below. Inevitably somebody will have to use waybackmachine to find this too, but at least it’s 14 years later. I have read this over and over on the copy I put on Instapaper (imported from waybackmachine) and I sooooo think it’s worth saving.

Note:  The poll I posted earlier today is running 96% saying “We want more fic recs!” so I’m immediately giving people what they want! :) 

Metadata

Title: “Taking In Trouble” | “Letting In Love” | “Kudos” Author: Henrietta Wotton Year Posted: 2004 Approx. Word Count: 23,000  Chapters: 3 (stories) GB - Slash or Platonic: Slash My Rating (1-5): 5 Keywords: Post-Canon Cardassia, Cardassian Class System, Friends to Lovers, Teenage Prostitution, Cultural Misunderstandings, Sexual Hangups, Deafness

Taking in Trouble

The two moons orbiting Cardassia Prime stood high above the horizon, casting grotesque shadows onto the winding paths of the ruined Park of State Heroes. Now, a year after the end of the Dominion War, most of the rubble to which the planet had been reduced by the Jem'Hadar had been vaporized or recycled. The new ruling council had decreed that the blasted statuary of the looming war memorials here remain as they were, however. The purpose, the plaque at the park's entrance stated, was "to remind all Cardassians of the consequences of our past." The only addition took the shape of a new statue, honoring Damar as the martyred leader of the Cardassian Resistance. It stood at the center point where all the paths converged. Surrounding it were a grove of bacherben bushes, their silver petals and waxy green-black leaves glistening in the moonlight.

Dr. Julian Bashir paused to contemplate the memorial, as the heavy, warm breezes of Cardassia Prime rattled through the foliage. He'd often felt the urge to tear off his suffocating Starfleet uniform during the past five weeks that he'd been in the Cardassian system. Thankfully he was off-duty now. He had changed into the open-weave turquoise Tholian tunic and navy blue silk shorts he'd bought the last time he and Ezri had been on Risa. But he wasn't thinking of Ezri now, or of the victims of the Cardassian holocaust, but of his old friend Garak. More precisely he was thinking of a certain path their relationship had appeared destined to follow, and the detour it had taken instead.

Bashir had known from the minute they met that Garak was interested in a sexual relationship, and he had also known that there would never be one unless he himself made the first move. That he had not done, for a host of reasons, not least that someone with a very dangerous secret in his own past didn't need to invite the stepped-up Starfleet intelligence scrutiny that a liaison with a former Cardassian spy would inevitably bring about. Many times he told himself that he should simply back off from the friendship, since he wasn't prepared to take it through to a physical level. Jadzia used to chide him frequently about "leading poor Garak on," and he had to agree that she was right. Yet he had persisted in their lunches, a relationship by appointment only, feeling that the absence of any spontaneous invitations to get together on other occasions would give Garak fair warning that any further intimacy wasn't in the offing. Did Bashir himself desire further intimacy? He resolutely refused to consider the question, since it couldn't happen, no matter what he desired.

Then the secret of his genetic enhancements came to light, and everything changed. But Garak changed, too, mocking him as computer or Vulcan and spending ever more time with Ziyal. What did you expect, Julian, old man? he had thought. It's the rare person who isn't put off by the idea of sleeping with some unnatural freak, re-invented in a laboratory. So he had taken comfort in the acceptance shown by Miles and both Daxes and consigned any longing for Garak to the category of transient fantasy.

Recently, however, that longing had ambushed him in a very odd fashion. After the Cardassian holocaust, Starfleet Medical had rushed in personnel to treat the survivors, and the Cardassians had at long last made all their medical, biological, and physiological databases available to outsiders. Bashir kept finding himself drifting away from the sections on infectious diseases and the effects of cold and hunger, and instead studying in great detail everything he could download on Cardassian sexuality. He recalled his surprise, given the strict Cardassian prohibitions against "non-procreative practices," that both Cardassian males and females came equipped with self-lubricating anal passages lined with highly sensitive nerve clusters quite as capable of producing pleasure as those found in their genitalia. What a waste! he mused. And then came the further realization: You've wanted nothing these past eight years, Julian Bashir, so much as to aim your dart squarely at the center of that inviting, round Cardassian backside of Garak's.

Bashir had cursed himself for arriving at this realization only after Garak had left the station, but he knew that physical distance wasn't the main obstacle to their becoming lovers.. He and Garak had in fact been together a number of times since Bashir had returned to DS9, leaving behind the tailor, spy and Resistance fighter to begin the mammoth task of restoring his devastated planet. The ruling council had appointed Garak its special envoy to Bajor, and he often came to the station en route to various contentious meetings with first minister Shakaar and the new Kai. Twice Julian and Ezri had joined him and Col. Kira for dinner.

No, it wasn't physical distance, it was emotional distance. Garak and Bashir had replaced their weekly lunch appointments with weekly subspace conversations. Yet Bashir always felt a certain awkwardness between them in these instances, as if they were going through the motions of having once been friends, but were friends no longer. This awkwardness convinced him that he had irretrievably lost the moment at which he and Garak might have consummated their relationship. Therefore, when the doctor was assigned to assess whether the Cardassian medical infrastructure had recovered sufficiently for Starfleet to reassign the many physicians, nurses, and health technicians it had stationed throughout the system during the past year, he almost hesitated to inform Garak that he would be "in the neighborhood." Bashir had considerable doubts whether the Cardassian would welcome him.

As it turned out, the doctor was glad he had informed him, because the announcement brought a warm invitation to visit Garak on Cardassia Prime if he could find time to take "a little vacation" between performing his inspections and returning to Deep Space Nine. The Garak who greeted him at the spaceport, however, was the same distant Garak of the subspace chats. He had no sooner taken Bashir to his house and shown him the guest quarters, than he announced that he would be involved in long discussions with a Klingon delegation until late into the evening.

Bashir had killed some time exploring Garak's new dwelling. The Federation had rebuilt the house of Enabran Tain upon its old, ruined foundation, an acknowledgment of his friend's great service during the Dominion War. They'd worked from the original plans, but Garak complained that "Federation utilitarianism" had crept into the design, and that the beauty of the original had been lost. Julian studied the architecture carefully, so as to be prepared for the debate about the Federation's lack of taste that would no doubt accompany their dinner. Then he took a very long sonic shower, changed into his civvies, and, feeling restless and not a little apprehensive at soon being alone with Garak, went for a walk that brought him here to the memorial park. Part of him felt that he had judged correctly, that it was too late for intimacy. Another part, though, more stubbornly hopeful than the first, knew that it wasn't only the Cardassian heat that had made him put on this particular outfit.

"Hey, Terran, want some scales?"

Bashir jumped. It was as if someone had just been reading his thoughts. The voice came from behind the bacherben thicket. Bashir instinctively reached for his phaser. Garak had warned that the catastrophe had obliterated the once vaunted safety of Cardassian streets. "Who's there?" he called out in his sternest tones.

"Don't ruffle yourself. This studder's no robber." Two figures emerged from the shadows. Both had unkempt, shoulder-length hair and nearly identical height, build and features. They looked to be only a year or two past puberty. That they were a boy and a girl became apparent only from the trousers on the one who was speaking, and the dress on the one who was not. As they slowly approached him, the boy kept talking in what were obviously meant to be seductive tones.

"Any sport that appeals, we can do." He grabbed his crotch and gyrated suggestively. At the same time, the girl fondled her breasts through the thin material that revealed her utter lack of undergarments. "Want a girl, Moxh is game. Want a boy, Kadz is ready. Or we'll do each other and let you watch. Only one strip of latinum. Want us both, that's just another strip."

Bashir gazed at them horrified. They were little more than children. He'd read about abandoned urchins selling themselves on city streets on hundreds of worlds throughout hundreds of centuries, but he had never come up against the sordid fact of it like this. All he wanted to do was get away from them. "Sorry, not interested," he said, turning and heading swiftly for the path out of the park.

But the boy ran after him, persisting in his sales pitch. "You know you're curious how the Cardies do it. We always leave our sports satisfied." He stationed the girl in front of Bashir, blocking his way, and began to raise her dress over her head. "Don't go before you see what you're missing," he cajoled, giving the doctor a lewd wink.

"I told you I was not interested," Bashir repeated, pushing both of them aside. As a result, the girl lost her balance and fell, triggering a spasm of gasping and coughing. The doctor halted, raising her to her feet and taking a good look at her for the first time. Her eyes were red, and the tips of the scales on her neck looked white and brittle. He'd seen the symptoms often enough in the Federation resettlement centers for homeless Cardassians. In the crowded conditions a fairly minor respiratory virus had mutated into a potentially fatal disease. Many Cardassians had perished before a combined Federation-Cardassian research team developed an anti-viral agent.

"Listen," Bashir said to the boy, "your friend--"

"My sister, my pouch mate.. Pretty game sportin' with two of a kind, eh?"

"Your sister is very ill." Bashir resolutely put to one side the fact that the boy had offered to "do" his twin for a customer's amusement. "She shouldn't be out... sporting... in her condition."

"Don't ruffle. Kardasi sick-bugs don't bite Terrans."

"Some of them do, as a matter of fact." Bashir couldn't suppress a grin at the boy's expression of medical certainties. "But you're right, azmeri fever doesn't jump from Cardassians to humans."

"How do you know?" Kadz asked suspiciously.

"I'm a Federation doctor, and I'm telling you that you should get your sister to the nearest hospital immediately."

"Oh, no. Hospitals don't take accies, 'less it's to cut us up." The boy grasped his sister's hand and began to lead her back to their lair behind the statue.

Suddenly Bashir found himself doing the following, as he pursued the retreating pair. "Wait. What do you mean? What are accies?" His universal translator didn't seem to be coping very well with the boy's slang-filled street patois.

Kadz stopped and looked at him as if he were extremely stupid. "Acci-dentals, you know." Bashir shook his head, still not comprehending. "Kids not meant to be born, accies with no parents," the boy explained with a world-weary air.

Ah, now Bashir understood. Garak had long ago told him that children without parents had no place in Cardassian society. Somehow the doctor had never considered thoroughly just how appalling the end results of such a social policy could be. "Well at least take her home, put her to bed with lots of blankets, and give her plenty of liquids to drink."

"How long you been on Prime, Fedder, you think accies got homes and blankets?" The boy inquired sarcastically. "Half the gitters is homeless these moons. Me and Moxh live in those bushes there. And we'd best go back to them and wait for some sport that's eager."

"She could die if she doesn't get the proper care, " Bashir implored. "Back where I'm staying, I've got some medicines that can help her. What do you say, Moxh? Will you come with me?"

"She might, for the overnight rate," Kadz replied, his expression showing renewed interest in the possibility of profiting from the "Fedder."

Bashir had to restrain himself from punching the insolent street urchin in the mouth. "I want to help Moxh, not sleep with her. And I'm talking to your sister, not you. Let her answer," he insisted.

"Can't. Doesn't talk. Doesn't hear. Born that way. But Kadz takes care of her, he does."

Take care of her, by turning her into a whore? Bashir thought to himself. Could the situation get any more dismal, he wondered, torn between pity and revulsion. "Fine. I'll pay the overnight rate. Both of you just follow me."

"That's more like it, sport. Good time guaranteed. Coulda saved lots of time if you'd just said you wanted to do it at home in the first place, though," Kadz said in reproachful tones as he fell in behind the doctor with his sister in tow. Bashir ignored him, except to sigh a very deep sigh.

"Tell your sister to lie down on that sofa there," Bashir instructed Kadz, once he'd accomplished the considerable feat of getting Garak's multi-access-code-encumbered front door to open and ushered the two young people into the Cardassian's living room. "I'll go get my medical bag."

Retrieving the bag from the guest room, Bashir also picked up a blanket that was folded at the foot of the bed. When he came back to the living room Kadz was sitting cross-legged in the center of the room, while Moxh had herself posed seductively on the couch, totally naked. Just as Bashir had suspected. It was the reason he'd brought the blanket. The doctor quickly covered her with it, took out some of his medical scanners, and began his examination. He immediately ascertained that his diagnosis of azmeri fever had been correct, so he filled a hypospray with the antiviral agent and put it to her neck.

"Don't have to drug her up to make her willing," Kadz offered. "Unless playing doctor gets you excited."

"Look, I am not playing doctor. I am a doctor. I am treating your sister for an illness, and I have no intention of having sex with her."

"Sure, sure," the boy replied, totally unconvinced. His sister was evidently of the same mind, because she grabbed Bashir's hand and pulled it under the blanket to rest on her breast. He snatched it away and turned to the boy. "Please tell her just to lie still and keep her hands to herself."

"If that's the way you like it," Kadz said, making gestures in his sister's direction. "She'll be as quiet as the dead now."

Bashir leaned down and ran his scanner over the boy, who amazingly showed no infection from the virus. He refilled the hypospray and pressed it to Kadz's neck. "Hey, hey," the boy squealed, rising to his feet and putting several meters between himself and Bashir. "Kadz don't need drugging up either."

"This will simply help prevent your catching what Moxh has," Bashir reassured him. "Now, why don't you come into the kitchen and get something to eat while I finish my examination."

"Thought you'd want privacy at some point."

Bashir stifled an angry response and led the boy to the replicator in the adjoining kitchen. "Just tell the computer what you want."

"Heard of these. Never used one." For the first time, the boy actually seemed somewhat uncertain of himself. "Two zabu steaks?" When they materialized, he jumped back a few centimeters, then laughed and removed the food to the table. "A dozen regova eggs. A larish pie. A cup of yamok sauce. A bottle of kanar."

"That's quite an appetite you have," Bashir grinned.

"Got to save some for Moxh."

"I'd go easy on the kanar, though. Aren't you a little young for that?"

"Been drinking it since I got my second molars. Moxh too. Helps on cold nights."

"Well, cheers and bon appetit, then," Bashir said darkly. The boy only raised a quizzical eye-ridge and fell to with relish. The doctor returned to his patient.

Moxh was indeed lying as motionless as the dead. Bashir's scanner hummed as its data readouts told the depressing story. Malnutrition, no surprise. Complete absence of the auditory nerve, a congenital deafness that no advanced medical wizardry could fix. A number of ulcers and topical infections, a secondary effect of the azmeri fever. He pulled down the blanket and treated each one in turn with a sonic debrider and a dermal regenerator. There was a particularly nasty accumulation of peccant matter around the hinge of her birthing pouch, and after he had cleaned it out, he knew why. The two lips of the pouch were still about a centimeter apart. Bashir cursed inwardly, tried to give the girl a smile that conveyed reassurance, and charged straight ahead to where Kadz was wolfing down his feast.

"Your sister's had a baby recently. Where is it?" Bashir hissed.

"Mff," Kadz hastily swallowed half a regova egg. "Don't ruffle. Came early, came dead," he responded matter-of-factly. He took a mouthful of kanar and looked up at the doctor's scowling face. "Good thing. Saved me getting rid of it. My mate Zanto showed me with his girl's first acci, how to cover up the nose and mouth till it stops breathing, but turned out I didn't have to."

"I'm sure you were terribly disappointed at not being able to show off your skills at infanticide." Bashir made no effort to conceal his disgust.

The boy glanced away, but not before the doctor thought he spotted a flicker of genuine emotion in the until-now hard, bright eyes and belligerent features. "No. Wasn't looking forward to it." Then Kadz glared back at him in defiance. "Would have done it, though, don't you doubt it. No choice in bad times. But Moxh would have been hard to manage after. Had herself set on keeping it. Must have caught some of our mo-mo's soft-headedness. I mean," he continued expansively as the kanar took effect, "Can you grab it, two accies at once, and the girl a dummy besides, and she don't throttle either?" The boy shook his head in bewilderment and took another drink.

"Where is your mother now?" Bashir asked.

"Gone. One, two moons after the Jemmies came. Went out to find sporters, never came back. Maybe she got grabbed by sec, maybe she got cracked by a bad one, maybe she found a keeper with no taste for accies hanging around."

"Surely you don't imagine that your mother would just abandon you to become some man's mistress?"

"Why not?" Kadz shot back. "Moxh and me was earning our keep. Good for mo-mo, if she finds a keeper 'fore her sporting days are over."

In the unforgiving street life the boy had been born into, his sentiments were perfectly logical, Bashir reflected. The fewer children born into such a life, the better. "I'm going to give Moxh another injection, one that will make sure she doesn't have any accies for at least a year," he told the brother.

"You got that stuff, Fedder?" For the first time, Kadz seemed to take him seriously as a doctor. "Ara Beldon on Kheramka Square sells it, but most of us studders can't pay her price."

"It's free of charge from me," Bashir returned with a smile. "You finish your meal here, and I'll go inject your sister with the contraceptive and offer her a few eggs and a slice of pie. Then I'll give her something so she can sleep--alone."

When Bashir returned to the girl, she'd made a good start toward falling asleep without requiring any of his healing arts. Her eyes were half closed and her breathing regular. He put the hypospray to her neck and then shook her gently. She blinked and flashed a sleepy smile. The provocative seductress was nowhere to be seen. This was only an exhausted child. Bashir helped her sit up and offered her the plate. She snatched at it eagerly and began cramming in the food with both hands. The doctor patted her on the head and turned back toward the kitchen to keep his eye on Kadz.

Kadz had left the kitchen, however, and Bashir's eyes met the boy striding toward him, barechested, his tunic cast over one shoulder.

"If you've not jumped Moxh yet, I'd say it's the boys that gets you worked up, eh, Fedder?" the young Cardassian smirked, as he sinuously stepped out of his trousers. "Kadz is ready to pay for the meal, he is." He displayed himself front and back to Bashir. "Is the coin to your liking?"

"Don't be ridiculous. Put your clothes back on at once!"

"You've not said how the scales and ridges strike your fancy." The boy had moved to within half a meter and was undoing the fasteners on Bashir's shorts. Whatever protest the doctor was preparing to make next died in his throat, however, as the door slid open and Garak walked in. Good God, there go my hopes for a romantic evening, the doctor thought, dismayed.

"Uh . . . this isn't what it looks like, Garak." Bashir stammered. The Cardassian's understandable expression of surprise had not turned into amusement at Bashir's plight, as the doctor had expected. His features were tight with anger, more naked anger than Bashir had ever seen him display. He hurriedly poured out further explanation, "Or rather it is what it looks like but... you see Kadz's sister there has azmeri fever and when I brought her here for treatment, Kadz got the wrong idea and... oh, for heaven's sake, Kadz, put your clothes back on."

Still Garak stared at the two of them in anger and did not speak. The tense situation did nothing to curb the ever-voluble Kadz, however. "Didn't tell me you had a keeper, Fedder," he said as he lazily stepped into one trouser leg, "And a jealous one too, by the look of him."

Garak fixed the boy with a malevolent stare of the most icy imaginable blueness. "I am not Dr. Bashir's keeper. He and I are old friends, and I am offering him my hospitality while he is on Cardassia Prime as part of his duties to Starfleet Medical." The words were all cordiality, the tone all threat.

Kadz appeared oblivious to the danger. "Sure, sure, all you twofie gitters got some story." He finally pulled his trousers all the way up, but, remaining shirtless, approached Bashir and draped himself over his shoulders. "You're a bit of an old one to keep him all to yourself," the boy remarked to Garak. "Sure you're not going to rob him of a nice young pretty like Kadz. You can always join the fun too, or just watch, if that's your sport."

Bashir hastily disengaged himself. "Kadz, how many times do I have to tell you that you've got this all wrong--" Suddenly Garak sprang, like a razorcat, grabbed the boy by the shoulders and shoved him up against the far wall. "Dr. Bashir is in no mood for your street boy impudence, and neither am I," he hissed. "Is that understood?"

Kadz thrashed and kicked in Garak's grasp, earning a knee to his groin. He gasped in pain and fell still. "Is that understood?" Garak repeated. The boy nodded vigorously, eyes wide and struggling for breath. Garak continued to hold him pinned to the wall, a look on his face that reminded Bashir of Miles's account of the time Garak had lost his reason on Empok Nor. The doctor moved to the Cardassian and put his hand on his shoulder. "Garak," he said, trying to sound calm. "Let him go."

Garak took a couple of deep breaths and then favored Bashir with his customary urbane smile. "Of course, doctor." He released his hold, ambled over to a chair, sat down, and crossed his legs, the picture of casualness. Yet Bashir saw clearly that he was trembling with rage.

Kadz had scurried over to where his tunic lay on the floor. He pulled it over his head, retrieved his sister's dress, and then grabbed Moxh up off the couch, where she had huddled in terror while the confrontation was in progress. "Can't say that Kadz stays where he's not wanted," the boy whispered to Bashir as they headed for the door.

"You can't go," Bashir implored him. "Moxh still needs more treatments." Kadz glanced sideways at Garak and shook his head. Bashir turned to Garak also. "Please, Garak, she's very ill."

"She may stay if you think it best, doctor." The Cardassian's tone hardened. "But not him."

The boy shook his head again. "Kadz and Moxh is a team--unless you're meaning to keep her. Kadz wouldn't stand in her way, if you make it worth his while."

"You'd sell us your sister, just like that?" Bashir exploded, but Garak rose calmly and addressed the boy. "Wait here," he said. He disappeared into his bedroom and emerged a minute later carrying a bar of latinum. "I think this will more than compensate you."

"No lies!" Kadz exclaimed, his eye-ridges rising half way up to his hairline. "Just let me give Moxh the score." He began to communicate with his sister in their private sign language, at some length. She nodded several times and signed back briefly. "She's game," the boy said to Bashir and Garak and then walked out of the house without looking back. Moxh returned to the couch, crawled under the blanket, and appeared to settle down for a nap. No teary good-byes, no last embraces, just a business deal concluded to the satisfaction of all parties. A Ferengi couldn't have done it better, thought Bashir.

Garak rubbed his hands together and turned to his friend, all smiles. "Ah, now that we've settled that delicate matter, I'm taking you out to dinner. There's a charming restaurant at the Federation recreation compound on the third moon of Cardassia Five-- the place all the dedicated relief workers repair to when the dust and the stench become too much for them. We heroes of the Cardassian Resistance have honorary guest privileges, of course."

Bashir stared at him in disbelief, at the mood change, at his decision to act as if nothing out of the way had happened. "But Garak, surely you don't think we should go off and leave the girl here alone?"

"Of course we should. She's asleep already, probably won't even realize we're gone. She'd doubtless prefer not to be disturbed by strangers in any event."

Bashir would have thought it impossible for Garak to grow any more inscrutable than he had been on the station, but clearly it had happened. The doctor had no idea what could be motivating him to treat the presence of a naked and feverish child prostitute on his living room couch as a matter of no importance. But he'd violated Garak's hospitality by bringing the two of them here in the first place, and he had no choice but to go along with what his host had planned. "I suppose I should change clothes before we go to this restaurant," Bashir asked, "something a bit more formal?"

"That would be appropriate," Garak concurred. "Oh, and while you're changing, my dear doctor, a cold sonic shower would also be advisable." His gaze halted deliberately at the decided bulge barely masked by the silk shorts.

"Uh, right, it won't take a minute," Bashir replied, blushing furiously.

"Take all the time you need, doctor," Garak purred.

They travelled to the moon in the runabout that the ruling council had assigned to Garak to facilitate his diplomatic efforts. All the way there, and through the appetizers, and the main course, and the dessert Garak made relentless small talk. He regaled Bashir with pointed barbs about Klingon intransigence and Bajoran grudge-holding and inquired about Kira and Ezri and Miles and the recent progress of the Sisko baby. Bashir numbly returned equally superficial answers, feeling more and more that he was in one of his holosuite programs talking to a mere simulacrum of his Cardassian friend. The doctor waited for some acknowledgment of that rage he had seen in Garak's eyes hours before and some kind of explanation for it. None was forthcoming.

Finally, on the return trip, he brought the subject up himself. Walking back from the replicator with a cup of Tarkalean tea in hand, he said. "I'm sorry for bringing those street children into your home, Garak. I never should have done it without your permission."

"No, you should not have, doctor. But when you see healing to be done, you don't ever stop for social niceties, do you? At any rate, there's no permanent harm done."

"You certainly seemed angry at the time."

"That little vermin's insolence could try anyone's patience. I was angry at him, not at you," Garak replied, in a manner that suggested there was nothing more to say.

Bashir tried another tack. "You know, those two have very odd names. Kadz and Moxh don't sound like any Cardassians I've ever encountered."

"They aren't names in the ordinary sense of the term. Sometimes these trash haven't even been given a name, just dumped on the street with no identity. Most of them usually pick up some slang nickname and use it, as our young visitors have," Garak chuckled.

"Why do you laugh?" the doctor asked, perplexed at Garak's complete lack of feeling for the twins' plight.

"'Kadz' and 'Moxh' are particularly vulgar street terms for male and female genitalia."

Bashir practically choked on his tea. "My God! I suppose they believe in truth in advertising."

"Apparently."

"That slang of Kadz's is pretty impenetrable. Half the time I didn't know what he was talking about. When he called us "twofie gitters," for instance."

Garak let Bashir's comment hang in the air for several seconds. To explicate it apparently meant committing himself to discussing the incident in depth, and the doctor had concluded from all the evening's evasions that he decidedly did not want to do so. Garak shifted in his seat uneasily. At length he spoke in subdued tones, staring out the view screen. "A twofie gitter is a bisexual of legitimate birth, the class of men that makes up the bulk of Kadz's clients, the class to which the boy erroneously presumed you and I belong, doctor." Then the Cardassian sucked in his breath and looked Bashir in the eye, "At least I presume that he is in error?"

"Garak, you can't believe that I wanted that boy, that I brought him back with me for any other purpose than to help his sister?" Bashir hadn't expected the conversation to take this turn.

"No, I never thought that," Garak smiled enigmatically.

"I know that's what it looked like when I became aroused," Bashir rushed on. "But I can assure you I felt no attraction for him whatsoever."

"Of course you didn't. Kadz makes his living arousing the bodies of men who have no attraction whatsoever toward him. I'm sure his hands are very skilled--"

"No, Garak, it wasn't like that--"

"I once knew a pain technician in the Order, Groblo," Garak continued, as if he hadn't heard the doctor's denial. "He had grown up like Kadz, servicing men on the streets. Sometimes when interrogations were dragging on and getting nowhere, he'd put down the instrument, pass his hands over the subject's body a few times, and bring him to arousal and climax, just like that. These were men in agony, mind you, an agony this fellow had inflicted. Yet he could get their bodies to respond just as if the touch were that of a lover rather than a torturer. Groblo said these little exercises of his helped ease the tension. Although I'm afraid I always thought them in questionable taste. An interrogation room is no place for parlor tricks, wouldn't you agree, doctor?"

"I'm afraid I have little use for anything that goes on in Cardassian interrogation rooms," Bashir returned with some heat. Why had Garak told him this chilling anecdote? Was this his friend's revenge for broaching the subject of Kadz and his advances?

"I was simply trying to show you that I understood the effect our young visitor could produce," Garak explained amiably, "not to defend my former profession."

"I'm surprised that someone with an 'acci's' background would be employed by the Order," Bashir pushed the point. "You've told me that these street children have no legitimate place in your society."

"Ah, the Order was always a special case. These accies have no scruples, as you've seen. That can make them very useful as informers, assassins or torturers. Of course, there was never a question of trusting them with any of the higher-level activities, those involving sensitive state secrets. Anyone that would sell his mother--or his sister--without qualm, wouldn't hesitate to sell out Cardassia if the price were right."

Bashir nodded, but did not otherwise comment. The conversation was too depressing to continue. Apparently any hope he'd had of restoring his friendship with Garak to its previous level of intimacy had vanished at the moment Garak saw Kadz standing there naked. He set his teacup down and idly glanced over at the navigational array. They were only a few minutes from entering orbit around Cardassia Prime. It was going to be damned uncomfortable with the girl still there in Garak's house. Once the reality of her situation sank in, she was bound to get agitated, and neither of them even knew how to communicate with her. What a mess he'd made of things!

"It's hard to believe that Moxh won't panic when she realizes that her brother really has abandoned her for good," he said softly, thinking aloud.

"Oh, don't concern yourself about that," Garak replied while making some course adjustments. "He hasn't abandoned her at all. The minute we were out of sight, she will have opened the door for him, and the two of them will have spent an hour or so looting my house. I made sure to secure anything of real value, but you'll have to get Starfleet to reimburse me for a depleted replicator power unit, which I'm sure they've quite used up in provisioning themselves."

"What?" Bashir exclaimed. "How can you know that?"

Garak smiled one of his patented infuriating smiles. "It's a very old street trick. That's how Mila ended up becoming Tain's housekeeper. He'd brought her home for an evening's pleasure and found her unconscious inside his front door the next morning, still grasping a bag full of the contents of his safe. She'd not anticipated his disrupter field that triggered every time anyone tried to exit the house without giving the proper security code. When she failed to divulge the identity of her accomplice, despite Tain's most persuasive entreaties, he decided that someone who could keep a secret that well might be of use to him. So he let her stay rather than turn her over to the security forces."

"So you think we'll return to find Kadz and Moxh unconscious inside your door?"

"Not at all, doctor. We'll find them gone. I deactivated my disrupter field."

"But the girl is ill, she can't just go back to the streets," Bashir protested.

"I'm sorry to annul your generous impulse, but I can't allow either of those creatures to remain in my house. They will at least leave better-supplied for survival than when you found them." Garak's tone left no doubt that the subject was closed.

Bashir had no intention of letting the matter drop, however. Nevertheless, he judged that a slight change of tactics was in order. "You seem to know quite a bit about the way these 'creatures' operate. Did Mila share the secrets of her past with you?"

Garak glared at him. "You are one of the most infuriatingly persistent young men I have ever met," he said. "No, Mila did not care to speak of her past with me, and no, I did not engage in long conversational sessions in which Order operatives who came up from the streets reminisced about the good old days." His features hardened, as he went on, "It was Tain who made sure that I was intimately familiar with the kinds of lives that children lived on the streets, so that I would appreciate what he had spared me by taking me under his protection. Of course, there was always the implied threat that he could send me out there to fend for myself if I didn't please him."

I should have suspected that Tain had something to do with this, Bashir thought. Whenever Garak starts behaving irrationally, it always seems to go back to Tain. "I can see why having those 'accies' in the house disturbed you then," the doctor murmured.

"Good, I'm glad you do--at last," Garak replied. "Now, we've achieved docking orbit, and we're going to beam down to my residence. I trust that as a thoughtful guest you will not bring up this subject again."

The place was a shambles, or at least the kitchen and living room were. (Garak had not disabled the security system that blocked off the other rooms with force fields upon attempted unauthorized entry.) As Garak had predicted, the replicator's power cell was completely exhausted, the blanket and sofa pillows gone and every drawer opened and looted, with items of no interest tossed all about the floor. The Cardassian went back to his bedroom and returned with a replacement cell. "Doctor, if you would go into the replicator menu and reproduce my couch cushions and the blanket, I'll tidy up the rest."

After the pillows materialized, the doctor repositioned them on the sofa. As he backed up to see if they were properly aligned, he inadvertently brushed his buttocks against those of Garak, who was bending over to pick up some of the items from the floor. The physical contact produced an overwhelming desire that astonished Bashir with its force. No matter how unpropitious the evening had been thus far, he had to disclose his true feelings to Garak.

The Cardassian was returning several PADDs to a drawer in his computer workstation. Bashir stepped in front of the desk and leaned forward. "Garak, it wasn't Kadz's skills that gave me an erection earlier," he began.

"My dear doctor, I told you I don't want to talk about Kadz any further," Garak said, his voice rising.

"Just hear me out. What aroused me was seeing how angry you were, how jealous of him, because that told me that you wanted me again."

Bashir saw a dozen subtle changes come over Garak's posture and features, as if he were a vessel that had suddenly lowered its shields. "Wanted you again, doctor?" he said in a whisper.

"You can't expect me to believe that you didn't want me once. But after you found out about--" Two elegant gray fingers were suddenly pressed to his lips. "Shh, shh. I'm not denying that I had once wanted you, I am telling you that I've never stopped wanting you." Garak caressed Bashir's lips with a brush of the fingertips and stepped back a few paces. "But am I now to understand that you want me?"

Bashir broke out into a broad grin. "Of course! Why do you think I brought this up?"

Garak cocked a skeptical brow-ridge. "And what do you think Counselor Dax will make of all this?"

"A month ago Ezri told me that she wanted to put our relationship on hold till I properly sorted out my feelings for Miles and for you. Now, the thought of making Miles my lover, it was ridiculous. I couldn't even begin to imagine myself in bed with him. When I thought about you that way, however, the scenario seemed perfectly logical. After all, for weeks before I'd been reacting to Cardassian anatomical schematics as if they were pornographic pictures." Bashir stepped to the side of the desk while the Cardassian moved out from behind it to meet him. The doctor took Garak's head in both hands and kissed him hard, reveling in the leathery texture of the lips and then the sensations of the strong and agile tongue that soon thrust itself inside his mouth. At length the Cardassian broke off the kiss, and when Bashir caught his breath and leaned forward again, Garak pushed him back with a soft touch of his hand to the doctor's chest.

"I've thought about this moment for so long, my dear boy," Garak began a little hesitantly. "And I'm afraid I've constructed a rather elaborate ritual fantasy of how I would want us to begin. Will you humor me in this? I think you'll find it very pleasurable."

Bashir paused to consider for a split second. What would it be like to live out one of Garak's fantasies? Immediately the answer came, it will be bliss--you wouldn't have kept longing for him all this while if you didn't trust it to be so.

"I am completely at your disposal," Bashir replied, smiling. "Just tell me what you want me to do."

Garak took his hand and led him into the bedroom. "Why, doctor, I don't want you to do anything at all." The Cardassian helped him out of the white linen jacket Bashir had put on over the oatmeal colored, open-necked shirt that Garak had made for him for a birthday present when he turned thirty-five. He folded it neatly on a chair, then unbuttoned the shirt and slipped it off Bashir as well. Placing each of his hands on his partner's shoulders, Garak applied to each a series of brief patting motions, as if he were straightening a garment on one of the mannequins in his tailor shop. He stared into the younger man's eyes with an expression of tenderness Bashir had never seen on his face before. Slowly one hand moved down Bashir's breast-bone and continued on to his navel, while the other massaged each of his vertebrae in turn. Bashir inhaled sharply at the intense and totally unexpected pleasure these motions produced in him. Soon Garak was covering him with light caresses to all sorts of places that Bashir had never considered very erogenous--the flesh inside his upper arms, the hollow at the base of his skull, his collarbones. With every touch the pleasure grew more and more exquisite. He moaned softly, and his legs felt weak. Garak put an arm around his waist to keep him from falling and guided him expertly to the bed. Bashir sat down and leaned back, balancing himself on his forearms and elbows. Garak deftly relieved him of his linen trousers, made a soft sound of surprise when he found no underwear beneath them, and then used a few vigorous strokes of his hands to relieve him also of the pressure that had built up in his eagerly awaiting cock. Bashir groaned with delight as he reclined fully on the bed.

"Did you find my little fantasy enjoyable?" Garak whispered as he leaned over and kissed Bashir lightly on the lips. Bashir reached up and pulled the Cardassian down beside him. "Indescribably so," the doctor said. He was, and was not, telling the truth. Certainly the pure physical sensations had been breath-taking. Garak was a master of technique. Yet there was something distant and remote about the whole experience--Garak making him stand there like a mannequin while the Cardassian remained fully clothed, receiving no stimulation himself, using only his hands, not his mouth or his cock. I suppose it's meant to be a special gift, giving all the pleasure and taking none yourself. And Garak does like to control situations. Still, I'd expect any man's fantasy to involve pleasure for himself, first and foremost.

Bashir's own fantasies were definitely less refined and predicated on more mutual satisfaction. Well, his moment had arrived. "Now it's my turn, Garak," he said, breathing heavily. "I can't promise to do it quite so . . . artistically as you." His eager hands pushed up Garak's tunic till it gathered just above the breast ridge. Then he thrust his thumbs under the fourth rib bones on either side. There he felt the small patches of scaleless skin his research had told him were there.. He pressured the area again and again with his fingertips while his mouth worked the scales on Garak's neck-ridges. The Cardassian gripped him hard across the back and thrust his body up to meet his lover's touch. Bashir kept on until he felt Garak grow hard beneath him. He slid off the bed, pulling down the Cardassian's trousers and loincloth as he went. His tongue worked the delicate edges of the softer scales at the base of the cock while his hands returned to the even softer skin beneath the ribcage. "Ah... doctor... uhh..." Garak groaned, "I see... you... ahhh... studied the schematics... ohh... very well."

Bashir raised his head. "Elim, don't you think it's about time you called me Julian?"

"I think you have a point, Julian," Garak nodded and pushed the human's head down to his crotch. Bashir took the Cardassian's cock into his mouth and slid his tongue up and down the shaft. "Oh, yesss, Julian, ohh yess," Garak repeated as he writhed beneath his lover, while gripping him tightly with strong calf muscles. His climax came quickly thereafter, all in a rush of gray foam that made Julian pull back a little as it streamed against the back of his throat.

Garak gave a contented sigh and released the grip of his legs, letting them dangle over the edge of the bed. The doctor rose to his feet, gratified that his efforts at pleasuring Garak had reinstated his own ability to act out his long-cherished fantasy, what he had been so impatient to do that all that had gone before seemed mere foreplay. He trembled at the thought of sliding his organ between the rippling scales that fanned out on both sides of the Cardassian's buttocks. Julian launched himself with a little spring onto the bed, rolled the panting Garak over, and climbed astride him, hands reaching inside the cleft--only to find himself flat on the floor a second later, expertly tossed off with one motion of Garak's left leg. He gave an inquiring look at his partner, wondering if this were some kind of Cardassian love play. Garak had sat up and was looking back at him with a serious expression. "No, Julian, there will be none of that," he said, calmly but firmly.

"None of what? Do you mean no fucking?" Bashir asked incredulously.

"Precisely. In Cardassian culture, no man would ever even consider fucking a man who was his equal. Such impulses are generally worked off with the assistance of little vermin like your friend Kadz."

Bashir clambered up and sat beside Garak. "It doesn't mean that in my culture at all. I had no intention of trying to assert my superiority over you. To me it's just the way of achieving complete closeness, getting inside your lover--figuratively as well as literally. If it will make you feel more comfortable, you can fuck me first."

"I would never take what I was not prepared to give, Julian." Garak sighed. "Because I have always kept my origins... mysterious... many of the Cardassian men with whom I became involved believed that they had a right to master me. None of them ever succeeded. It is a violation I could never allow, no matter how desperately I wished to satisfy a lover. The situation became so frustrating that I had resolved to restrict my sexual partners to women. Then I saw you sitting there in the Replimat, my dear boy, and my resolve evaporated. But even for you, this is something I cannot tolerate."

Julian struggled to hide his massive disappointment. He would not try to manipulate the situation by playing on Garak's fear of displeasing him. Now that they were finally lovers, the last thing he would risk was to hurt Garak through insisting on his own kind of gratification, no matter how fervently his cock was calling out for it. "I would never ask you to, Elim," he said, running his fingers through the Cardassian's sleek black hair and planting a kiss on his "spoon."

Garak responded by tracing the outline of Julian's right ear with his expert forefinger and flicking his tongue over the doctor's slightly parted lips, making the doctor's erection ache even more. "Don't despair, my dear. I can guarantee you that you will nevertheless not lack for pleasures while we're together." And with that he bent down his head and proved his point.

Letting in Love

Lake Ent'rakh sat in a small valley formed midway up the face of the tallest mountain of the Shimat chain that ran along the coastline of the northernmost tip of Cardassia Prime's northern continent. Here temperatures rarely exceeded 10 C. in full daylight--an unusually bright daylight--and fell well below freezing during the very long nights. Hardly a climate for heat-loving Cardassians, and no permanent Kardasi settlements had ever been established here. However, Lake Ent'rakh held a secret that the ancient Hebitians had discovered. Beneath it churned the molten core of a volcano not yet gone dead, as all the others in the Shimat chain had. Its waters therefore maintained a constant 27 C. temperature, and the Hebitians had duly established a combination resort and retreat here in the otherwise deserted mountains, its purpose to "chill the fevered spirit and warm the cold heart."

It must have been a remarkable sight in its day, Bashir reflected. A wall four meters thick and twenty meters high had ringed the entire lake. Archways opened out of it every ten meters, their interiors decorated in intricate patterns with thousands of tiny, multi-colored gemstones. At the portion of the wall which faced the entrance into the valley, a curving stairway led to the top. Garak told him that eight swaying rope bridges had allowed passage from one side of the wall to the other, but that a true spiritual experience required that a visitor walk the entire circumference, a distance of more than ten kilometers, before descending by these same stairs and then diving into the warm and welcoming waters. Now only about a fifth of the wall remained, in a dozen freestanding sections. The stairs no longer existed, the rope bridges had rotted centuries ago, and the gemstones had been torn out by generations of desperate men and women hoping to stave off starvation during one or the other of Cardassia's recurrent famines. And yet, even in it's ruined state, the place was magnificent. Garak had planned the excursion even before they became lovers. "I wanted you to see what we were before nature conspired against us and we lost our way," he had said solemnly upon their arrival. "Fortunately, they had no energy weapons when the Hebitian civilization fell, and its traces still linger. All that was ancient and beautiful in my Cardassia has been vaporized clean and replaced with bright new Federation functional."

Their first day here they had hiked the entire perimeter of the lake in the four hours of daylight that came around between 26 hour stretches of chill darkness. Today, the second and last of their camping trip, they had spent in the water. Bashir's enhanced reflexes enabled him to catch in his bare hands a dozen of the silver and rose colored fish that darted everywhere in the azure green water. They planned to cook them over an actual fire when night fell and hunger beckoned. Then Garak had suggested they swim to the opposite shore and back. It surprised Julian somewhat how strong a swimmer Garak was for a man of his years. As long as the doctor did not particularly exert himself, the Cardassian kept pace at his side. Three-quarters of the way back, however, Bashir's exuberance took hold, and he crossed the remaining meters at the maximum speed his special gifts allowed, leaving Garak far behind.

Now he treaded water a small distance from shore and studied his lover's approach. Garak swam in a very peculiar way, at least to human eyes. He held the top of his head out of the water just below his nostrils, leaving the rest submerged. All four limbs churned underneath the surface as well, rarely causing the slightest wave or ripple. As Bashir watched, he realized that all those racist jokes about "Cardies" as lizards or snakes had got their reptiles mixed. What the man swimming toward him resembled was more powerful, more dangerous by far. And Julian had to admit that he had always been attracted to danger. Ah, my clever, charming crocodile, he said to himself, as he set out with rapid strokes to enfold the Cardassian in an embrace. Then, like a rescuer pulling a drowning man to safety, he practically dragged Garak ashore, where they made passionate love just as the sun began to dip beneath the horizon.

They were ironically spending the nights in pure Federation functional, a small emergency tent, thousands of which spread across the emptied landscape of Prime to house homeless Cardassians. They'd brought four portable heating units, and the interior temperature, even at night, was for Bashir a comfortable 15 C., but Garak complained constantly of the cold, and spent all his time wrapped in or huddled underneath three superinsulated thermal blankets. Julian felt lucky he had been able to persuade Elim to sleep naked under the blankets, but he found snuggling beneath them so stifling that he kept having to get up and cool off. They'd only been asleep an hour when he fought his way out of the covers, went over to the water container, and poured a cup of the icy liquid over his head. He dried off with a towel, stepped out into the cold night for a few seconds, and only then felt shivery enough to dive back into the overheated cocoon with Elim. The Cardassian was sleeping heavily, his breathing deep and regular. Julian slipped in beside him, his chest nestled against the scaly back, his head resting on the shoulder just where the neck bones stopped. Garak shifted slightly but soon grew still.

Why did I wait so long for this? I'm so happy, Julian's no longer sleepy mind told him. Unfortunately, his body told him something else. What was the matter with him, that he still longed to fuck Garak. Hadn't his lover shown him countless ways to experience exquisite pleasure without any necessity for penetration? Was it because most of his previous partners had been women, that he didn't think you'd really made love unless you'd stuck your cock in someone's hole? He could just hear Elim saying, "What an unimaginative notion, my dear boy, so narrow-minded." Nevertheless his cock was now definitely ready to poke itself in between those silver gray buttocks. Bashir cursed his weakness and reached down to do something about the situation. As if it had a will of its own, however, his hand instead delved down into the scale-lined crevice. Garak stirred and murmured softly. Julian let his index and middle fingers probe further, past the guardian muscles, to stimulate the pleasure cluster he knew lay right beyond. The Cardassian's body jerked as if an electric current had passed through it. Now fully awake, he arched his back and moaned loudly. Julian rubbed harder and faster, and his lover's cries increased in tempo accordingly. "Oohh, my dear, go deeper, deeper," Garak whimpered.

"I'd have to use my cock for that," Julian said ruefully.

"Yes, yes, do it."

What the hell was going on? After all Elim's protestations about not tolerating anal penetration? Was this another of his elaborate obfuscations, designed to work Bashir up into this very state? Well, he certainly wasn't going to refuse the long hoped for invitation. He quickly straddled his lover and thrust eagerly as Garak writhed in apparent ecstasy. Try as he might, Julian couldn't prolong the experience to the extent his partner would obviously have preferred. He came in a convulsive rush, and withdrew, rolling over on his back in a haze of bliss.

Without a word, Garak was on him, flipping him onto his back and pinioning his wrists with a powerful grip while he used his knees to spread Bashir's legs so that he could, seconds later, slam into him hard. Bashir was momentarily puzzled. Garak had shown absolutely no interest previously in playing rough, but then he had shown complete aversion to fucking, too. Obviously their sex games were simply being switched into a different register. Just enjoy the excitement, Bashir, he told himself.

Human anal clefts were definitely not self-lubricating, but fortunately the fine scales that lined a Cardassian's organ ruffled out, soft and moist, when the man was fully aroused. The first time he saw it, Bashir had thought "feather duster"; the first time he had taken it into his mouth, he revised the metaphor to "cotton candy on a stick." Still, the impact of Garak pounding away at him, coupled with the uncomfortable position of his arms, was not making this the most pleasant fuck he'd ever experienced. "Elim, can you take it a little easier?" he said.

For an answer, Elim jerked his arms back in an extremely painful way, and, matching his syllables to the rhythm of his thrusts, barked, "Doc... tor... for... once... in... your... life... just... shut... up."

Julian felt a little frisson of fear. This seemed to be something other than his partner's desire for new kinds of sexual stimulation. Everything in Garak's voice said rage, not passion. The doctor reassured himself with the knowledge that his superior strength and agility would allow him to break free if he felt in danger of serious injury. Besides, how much longer could the Cardassian keep this up? He had always come very rapidly in Julian's hands or mouth. Now, however, he seemed unwilling or unable to let go. He grunted with each thrust like a man chopping away with an ancient axe at a tree that refused to fall.

For what seemed like an eternity to his partner, the Cardassian labored, until at last his body stiffened. He gave a shrill cry like that of an animal howling at the moon, and Julian felt the rush of warm liquid inside him. Then Garak uttered another cry, almost like a sob. He let go of Julian's wrists and clambered up. The doctor rolled over and got to his feet, seeing that Garak had retreated to the far corner of the tent. He was standing there naked, his back turned, and his whole body heaving convulsively. Partly it was the cold, but the rest of it was either grief or anger. Bashir couldn't tell. He gathered up one of the thermal blankets and made to wrap it around Elim's shoulders. Without turning to look at him, Garak pushed him away savagely.

"Elim, what's wrong?"

"Wrong?" came a strangled reply. "Surely you cannot have failed to notice that I just raped you."

"Raped me? How can it be rape when I've been begging you to fuck me for the past five days. Granted you were a little more forceful than--"

Garak turned around then, his face anguished. "Oh, please, doctor, spare me the hair-splitting. It was my intention to violate you, to master you utterly, and I know that you are quite intelligent enough to realize it."

"All right," Bashir went on, carefully measuring his words. "You warned me that you wouldn't tolerate being fucked, and I pressed on anyway. Your reaction wasn't exactly welcome, but it's psychologically understandable. I shouldn't have been so eager to take a few drowsy syllables as consent. Although you certainly did seem to enjoy the whole process."

"Oh yes, I did enjoy it. I've never felt anything so erotic in my life. That was the problem." Garak's voice was filled with a bitterness and self-loathing Bashir had only heard once before, when the Cardassian was having his worst moments of withdrawal from the endorphin implant. "And just as my pleasure was about to crest, I heard HIM, as clearly as if he were standing in this tent. He laughed at me. 'So, Elim, at last we see you for what you really are. All that veneer of sophistication and cleverness, all that fine appreciation of literature and art you acquired under my protection, it can't hide the fact that you're the bastard son of a street whore who can find no greater joy than letting himself be fucked up the ass by his betters.' Suddenly I was overcome with the irresistible urge to take you and dominate you and prove to Tain that he was wrong, that I belonged on top, that I was nothing like that contemptible piece of filth, Kadz."

"Kadz?" Bashir said incredulously. "Do you mean to tell me that you hate him so much because you think you might have become him?"

"Of course. Isn't that the obvious reaction? Suppose you were to encounter a young man who had been born with limitations similar to yours, and had not had the good fortune to be genetically enhanced. Wouldn't the sight of him fill you with hatred?"

Bashir shivered. The unreconstructed Jules was a figure who stalked his nightmares. "I think he might frighten me, Elim, but I wouldn't hate him. I would hope that I would simply feel sympathy for him."

"Pity," Garak snorted. "No thank you."

"Not pity, compassion. Is that not an emotion known to Cardassians?"

Garak didn't answer. Instead he began to put on his clothes, then to roll up the blankets. "Gather your things, doctor," he said at length. "I can't bear to remain here. I'll drop you off at the nearest starbase."

Julian gripped him by the shoulders and forced him to look him in the eye. "I agree we should get out of here, but I won't leave you like this. We'll return to your house. I'll move back into the guest room. We'll forego being intimate until we can rebuild each other's a trust, a step at a time. I won't give up on us, Elim."

"Always the optimist," Garak whispered, his face a picture of hopelessness. "Very well, we'll go home together, for all the good it will do us. Although I can't fathom how you can stand to be anywhere near me, after what I've done."

Julian had lain in his bed sleepless, replaying the disturbing events over and over in his mind. So he leapt up immediately when the security alarm sounded. But Garak had reacted even more quickly. The Cardassian stood checking out the video feed from his external security cameras. Underneath the whine of the alarm, the doctor's ears discerned a series of dull thuds. Someone was pounding on the front door. Bashir came up behind Garak and looked at the screen as the rate of the pounding accelerated. Its source was about the last he would have imagined. Moxh stood outside, kicking at the door desperately while struggling to hold up Kadz, who leaned against his sister, supporting all his weight on his right leg, while the left dangled a few centimeters off the ground, twisted into an unnatural shape. A bone protruded at mid-calf. The boy's head lolled like a rag doll's upon the girl's shoulder. His face was a blur of blood and bruises.

"Garak, what are you waiting for? Let them in," the doctor insisted.

"Not so fast. It might be a trap."

"I doubt that he beat himself to a pulp just so he could get another crack at your replicator."

"No, but whoever did this to him might be using those creatures to gain entry." Garak gestured at Bashir with his disrupter. "Get your weapon also, and we'll risk opening the door."

Julian went to his room, shaking his head at Garak's paranoia. Still, he supposed that his friend had made plenty of enemies with very long memories during his career in the Obsidian Order. He would probably never be able to let his guard down. The doctor retrieved his phaser from his luggage and stood to one side of the door, covering Garak, as the Cardassian programmed it to open. The two young people stumbled inside as the door immediately slid back and locked behind them. Moxh looked around in dismay at the two men's weapons and froze for several seconds before pushing her brother toward the doctor. She uttered strangled cries of distress while imploring him with frightened brown eyes, still rheumy with the after-effects of her illness.

"My God!" Bashir exclaimed after getting a close look at Kadz's injuries. He swept the boy up in his arms and started barking orders, not now lover or houseguest but CMO. "Garak, beam up to your runabout and bring down the emergency medkit. I'm taking him into the guestroom. When you get back, I'll need all the blankets you have in the house." The doctor half expected a protest, but Garak only nodded silently and did as he had been requested.

That Kadz had made it to Garak's house from the park, the assumed location of the attack, was nothing short of a miracle. The cuts and bruises looked to be a day or two old. His sister must have dragged him here slowly, meter by meter. The boy was now only semi-conscious, dehydrated and delirious. And in excruciating pain. Every step Bashir made, every arrangement of his patient on the bed brought a little bleat of agony. The doctor fumbled through his bag, took out the most powerful painkiller he had and injected Kadz with the maximum dose. By this time Garak had returned with the medkit. The doctor started some intravenous fluids and then began the arduous task of trying to repair the damage.

He found his efforts impeded, however, by Moxh, who was clinging to his robe and addressing him with a series of incomprehensible grunts. "Garak, take the girl into the kitchen and try to quiet her down, will you," he asked. But when the Cardassian approached, Moxh screamed and dived under the bed.

"She hasn't seen me at my most ingratiating,"Garak apologized with a shrug of his shoulders. "One has to admire her courage, returning to a house they had robbed, risking immediate confinement in a labor camp. She must love her brother very much. And trust in your compassion even more."

Julian smiled at Elim's managing to say "compassion" without a sneer. "Well, she's at least out of the way at present. It's probably best just to leave her there."

Refocusing his attention after the interruption, Bashir rechecked the readouts on his diagnostic instruments. They gave a grim account. There was internal bleeding where a cracked rib had punctured a lung and more from a lacerated organ that served Cardassians as both spleen and liver. He injected cloptamarine to slow the blood flow; to stop it would require surgery. An operation would also be needed on the crushed and mangled leg. For now he simply straightened it out as best he could, made preliminary repairs with a bone regenerator, and immobilized the limb in a cast. The other fractures, and there were many, fortunately had come as clean breaks, and the bone regenerator sufficed to mend them. Finally Bashir took out his dermal regenerator and worked carefully to restore Kadz's battered face, to reduce his swollen eyes and mouth to normal proportions.

Just as he erased the last bruise, Kadz stirred to consciousness. "Fedder?" he asked, confused. "Where's Moxh?"

"She brought you here, she's just fine," Bashir said in soothing tones. "What the hell happened to you?"

The boy tried to scoot up into a sitting position, but the effort soon caused him to groan and lie still. "Mmmmmmm. Head hurts, dizzy." he gasped. "What happened? Klingon. Made him mad."

"You certainly did," Bashir observed. "Whatever did you say to him?"

"Klingon asked... that I do Moxh for him... wanted to watch how Cardies sport. Then, he's not pleased... Said I don't do it like a real man--he's going to show me how... Fine I say, but that's one strip more... Klingon just laughs, says it's free, 'cause I'm such a... disappointment." Kadz paused and struggled for breath. "No one cheats Kadz out of what's his, though. So I pulled him off her. Said cheaters got no honor. He grabbed me up by the leg... Don't remember much else..." he trailed off into a wracking cough that brought up a trickle of fresh blood to the corner of his mouth. "Not easy to talk," he gurgled.

"Don't try. I shouldn't have asked you to. Here, I'm going to give you something that will let you rest." Bashir filled a hypospray with a strong sedative and put it to Kadz's neck. The boy's eyelids fluttered a few times, and then he drifted off to sleep. The doctor bent down and gently pulled Moxh from under the bed, lifting her up to have a look at Kadz. She reacted with a happy chirp at seeing her brother's face returned more or less to its usual appearance and then climbed in carefully beside him, draping one arm over his shoulder. Bashir covered both of them with two of the blankets Garak had brought in and then beckoned the Cardassian to leave the room with him. "I can't believe he'd take on a Klingon-- all for one strip of latinum," Bashir confided as they walked into the living room.

"Oh, it wasn't just the latinum, my dear doctor. Poor Kadz was defending his manhood. I suppose there's been no one to tell him that he lost it the first time he bent over for a twofie gitter."

"I think he'll live," the doctor said as he reclined on the couch with his feet propped up on its arm. He stifled a yawn. "When his vital signs have stabilized, I'll beam over with him to the nearest hospital, because he'll need surgery for the internal bleeding and a major reconstruction job on the leg."

"Julian, there isn't a hospital on Cardassia that would admit him. He won't ever have had his birth registered. He'll never pass the DNA scan."

Bashir shot him a disbelieving look. "You can't be serious," he exclaimed. "When they see how much he's suffering, they certainly won't turn him away just because he's illegitimate."

"The most they will do is offer him a lethal injection to end that suffering," Garak explained calmly.

"Good heavens, it's not as if he were some animal who'd been run down in the road."

"That's precisely what he is, to Cardassian eyes."

"With all the people you lost in the Dominion exterminations, you'd think that every surviving Cardassian life would be precious," Bashir said accusingly.

"Yes, but we lost an even greater percentage of our resources," Garak responded. "If the hospitals wouldn't treat accies during prosperous times, they're hardly likely to change now that everything from hyposprays to biobeds are in short supply."

It was true that the Cardassian medical institutions had only returned to a subsistence level of care, capable of handling the life-and-death cases, but little else. The doctor had noted in his report that the less seriously ill should be accepted into Federation hospitals for elective treatments for at least another year. Otherwise it would be unconscionable for Starfleet Medical to pull out completely, which had been the recommendation of the commission he had served on. "I suppose I could evacuate him out to the Infirmary on Starbase 419," Bashir mused, "but he really doesn't need to be dragged about again." Then his eyes lit up. "Wait, I've got a plan. The big medical supply depot for the relief effort is on Cardassia Two. If you've got space you could clear, I can get what I need from the industrial replicators there, load them on your runabout, and perform the surgery here. It will only take a few hours."

"If I pack up the materials in my sewing room, it could serve your purpose," Garak replied.

"You don't mind?" Bashir felt a twinge of guilt. He'd landed Garak with these two unwanted guests, and now he was about to turn his lover's home into an outpatient clinic.

"Consider it a small recompense--for what happened earlier."

"Right." Bashir ducked his head, feeling awkward. He dared to give Garak's hand a little squeeze. "Uh, I'll go dress and then be off immediately. Kadz should stay asleep the whole time, with all the sedation he's under, but you might check in on him every half hour or so, to be on the safe side. Sorry to keep you up all night."

"I don't think I would have slept in any event," Garak said with a tight smile.

"No, nor I." The doctor took two steps toward the door, then stopped. "Um, Garak," he began, regarding the Cardassian with slight apprehension, "I hate even to ask this, but I can trust you not to give him a lethal injection, can't I?"

Garak's face relaxed into a more genuine smile. "It would be the best solution for all concerned, but you need have no fears. You will find him just as you left him."

Bashir piled the three supply containers onto the biobed, hopped up beside them, and beamed down from the runabout into Garak's sewing room. The Cardassian had moved all the rooms's regular furnishings up against the walls, leaving ample space for the doctor to set up his surgery. He activated the biobed's energy source and opened the first container, sorting its contents by the order of the planned procedures. He hadn't been there for more than a minute or two, however, when he heard several piercing screams, followed by a repeated anxious cry of "He's going to catch me, he's going to catch me." Damn, Bashir swore. Kadz must be that one in a thousand Cardassians in whom cloptamarine induces nightmarish hallucinations. Elim will be delighted if he's been having to listen to that for long!

He had to open the second container and rummage through it before he came up with the anesthetic he planned to use for the boy's surgery. Loading a hypospray, he took off at a brisk pace for the guest room at the other end of the hall. By the time he reached the doorway, however, the screaming had died down into a few whimpers. The doctor halted at the threshold to take in an unexpected tableau. Garak was seated by Kadz's bed, his back to Bashir. His index and middle fingers were stroking the two bone-ridges that ran along the boy's jawline and met at a thirty degree angle just below the ear. "Shh, shh now," he said softly. "You're safe here. He can't hurt you any more." With his other hand, Garak was caressing the youngster's hair. Moxh, sensing her brother's distress, had retreated to a corner of the room, where she was signing emphatically to no one in particular.

Kadz's own hands groped about wildly until he grabbed onto the one with which Garak was stroking his face. He nuzzled against it with his cheek, heaving several contented sighs. "Mmm Mo-mo, Mo-mo," he finally whispered.

Julian stepped deliberately into the room and laid his hand on Garak's shoulder. The Cardassian didn't flinch. Well, Julian hadn't really imagined that he could sneak up on one of the Obsidian Order's finest. "He's not always a contemptible piece of filth, is he, Elim?" he said, leaning down to inject Kadz with the anesthetic.

Garak extracted his hand from the boy's grasp with great care and got up. "No, not always," he replied. Then he shook off his tender mood and gave the doctor that little smirk so familiar from countless lunch table debates. "Only when he's awake."

The surgery took three hours. Bashir did the trickiest procedure first, the one that required Garak's hands in support of his own: the reconstruction of the shattered leg. He had to piece the fragments together and then attach the ragged bone ends one to the other with synthetic skeletal grafts. Both knee and ankle also had to be replaced. To assure that the limb would heal straight, he put pins through the two artificial joints and attached four external knee to ankle rods to brace the leg and hold it immobile. This done, he sent Garak off to bed. Moxh had evidently been impressed sufficiently by the Cardassian's recent solicitude toward Kadz that she allowed him to lead her to the couch and tuck her in for what little was left of the night before he retired himself.

Bashir's genetic enhancements allowed him to function at his peak through extended periods with very little sleep, but he was more than ready to crawl into his own bed as the first murky light appeared above the horizon. He took off his uniform and threw it into a chair, told the computer to awake him in two hours, and was snoring softly two seconds after his head settled into the pillow.

He awoke to what passed for blazing sunlight on Cardassia Prime and knew that he had slept for far more than two hours. A check of the chronometer revealed his slumber's duration to be in fact nearly six. He scrambled up to go check on his patient, but before he'd even got his shirt on,

he encountered Garak at the door bearing a tray of hot Tarkalean tea and buttered scones

"Just sit back down on your bed, doctor. Your breakfast is right here," his friend said.

"I have to see if Kadz is doing all right,"Bashir protested.

"He is. I've been checking on him regularly."

"But you're not a doctor."

"No, but I do know what normal Cardassian life signs look like, and which abnormalities indicate a crisis," Garak responded smoothly. "I can assure you that the boy's condition is quite stable." He produced a PADD from under the napkin, "This is the last five hours' readout from the biobed. You can look it over while you drink your tea."

Julian reluctantly got back into bed and took up the PADD in one hand and the teacup in the other. Garak was right, the life signs were just as they should be. But they indicated that the patient had come out of the anesthesia three hours earlier. "He's been conscious?" the doctor inquired, taking a bite out of a scone.

"Not entirely focused, but conscious, yes. A little scared, too, although he tried to hide it. Whether the source of the fear was me or that contraption on his leg, I'm not sure." Garak observed with his customary irony. "I told him that you would explain everything to him shortly and gave him a bowl of taspar broth. He ate about half of it before he dropped off to sleep again."

Bashir wolfed down the second scone and drained the rest of the tea. "Thanks for playing nurse and letting me sleep, Elim. I'll go see to him myself now."

"Julian, don't, not yet." Garak's tone was half command and half plea. As the doctor's brow creased in puzzlement, the Cardassian quickly divested himself of his clothes and slid into the bed, his agile fingers moving over those places that produced in Julian the swiftest arousal. Then he turned over on his belly and spread out his legs. "My dear, I want you to come inside me, I want us to be as close as lovers can be."

"Elim, how can you be asking me this, after what happened last night?" Julian's mouth was hanging open in disbelief. "We agreed we would take things slowly from now on."

"Please, don't argue with me," Garak urged. "It's what I want, and I want it now."

Bashir bent over and massaged the powerful neck. His cock ached to find its way into the welcoming cleft, but he held himself back. "You're sure?" he whispered into Garak's ear. "I don't want you to subject yourself to something that feels like a violation, just to please me."

Garak thrust his hips upward, brushing his buttocks against the doctor's erect organ. "A silly prejudice," he gasped. "Please, Julian, come inside me now."

Bashir hardly needed further persuasion, his own desire had grown so powerful. Yet he couldn't get rid of the fear that he would make some false move that would sunder them forever. You can't be overpowering him in any way. It's a joining. You're becoming one. Every moment of pleasure must be secondary to that, he told himself. He entered slowly, gently, wrapping his legs around Garak's as he ran his hands rhythmically up and down the Cardassian's powerful gray arms. Very gradually the force and speed of his thrusts increased as their reciprocal sounds of pleasure struck up an almost musical counterpoint. As Julian approached his release, Garak took his lover's hand and drew it to his own fully expressed cotton candy. The Cardassian came in the doctor's hand a fraction of a second before Bashir stiffened and then relaxed with the rhythm of his own orgasm. He withdrew quickly and tumbled off Garak, seeking his lover's face and covering it with wave after wave of kisses. He felt absolutely overwhelmed with pure joy. "Oh, Elim, I've never loved anyone so much as I love you now," he sighed.

Garak stroked Julian's hair with both hands and sent his tongue probing deliciously deep into the human's mouth, but suddenly the doctor broke off the kiss and sat upright, clutching the discarded covers to him. "Uh oh, we've got company," he yelped, pointing to the doorway, where Moxh was standing, studying them with rapt attention. The minute Bashir's eyes lighted on her she skittered away.

Garak laughed heartily. "You can tell, my dear boy, that I'm not used to having children in the house. I never even thought to lock the door."

Before Julian could say anything further, the voice of Kadz echoed from the end of the hall. "Hey, hey, if you twofies is through fucking each other, this studder here is starving."

Garak got out of bed and put his clothes back on. "The operation has been a success, doctor, and your patient obviously is on the way to a full recovery," he observed, with an amusement tempered by an equal dose of annoyance. "Shall I prepare the meal for his highness?"

Julian still had eight days leave to spend with Elim, but it was clear that they were also going to have to share the precious time together with Kadz and Moxh. Garak immediately laid down some ground rules, which he asked the doctor to communicate to their guests, since both children were still deeply distrustful of their host. They were to learn and observe the rudimentary elements of Cardassian hygiene. The makeshift infirmary would be the place they both ate and slept; they were under no circumstances to intrude on Garak's bedroom when both he and his lover were in it. Nor were they to interrupt the meals Garak and Bashir shared in the kitchen.

The twins' ragged clothing was filthy and blood-stained beyond restoration, so Garak made them each a set of sleeping robes, two daytime outfits, and also provided the unfamiliar novelty of several pairs of underwear. He also replicated for each a tooth polisher, a scale buffer, and a comb. Moxh, especially, was delighted with these new toys, and spent hours grooming her bed-ridden brother, who tolerated her efforts without protest, although he was obviously mortified at the spectacle he presented every time Bashir walked in to check up on him.

Today was the third since the surgery. Garak had a council meeting that promised to take up the entire afternoon. Julian, reading in the living room, had just managed to sort out all the guilts in one of the enigma tales in Garak's library--his first complete success after struggling through a half dozen of the damned things. He rose and stretched, then decided to go in and examine his patient. The doctor had by observation picked up the meaning of a number of Moxh's signs, and he gestured to her to leave off styling her brother's hair so that he could make his examination. She hopped down with a smile and took up one of the sewing tools Garak had shown her how to use after he noticed her fascination with how he pieced the various cloth shapes together in order to produce their garments. She had gathered some of the scraps from his recycle basket, and, climbing onto her own bed, the girl took up again her project of attaching them together in a number of fantastic configurations.

The doctor ran his scanner over Kadz's leg and smiled with satisfaction at what it told him. The natural and synthetic bones were knitting together well. He clapped the boy on the shoulder. "Your leg is coming along splendidly, Kadz. Tomorrow I think we'll start letting you put some weight on it. I imagine you're more than ready to get out of bed, eh?

"Sure, sure," the boy replied without enthusiasm, his attention focused not on his physician but on his sister. Then he turned toward Bashir with an unusually earnest expression. "Fedder, the old twofie bought Moxh fair up. I know the girls don't excite him, but maybe he could keep her as his slavey, let her clean and fix, so's he don't have to mind about the dirty work?"

"Garak wouldn't want her here, Kadz. He only pretended to buy Moxh so he could get you both out of his home as quickly as possible."

"Oh, that's a ruffler." The boy's countenance was glum.

"Why would you want her to be his 'slavey' anyway?"

"Sure you've grabbed it, Fedder, how happy she is in this gitter house. Soft bed, clean clothes, food for the asking. Kadz won't ever get her those, no matter how hard he sports. She's never been as strong as me, and ever since her acci died, she don't have much heart for the work. After that Klingon, I don't think she'll ever do a sport again. Kadz can't get enough on his own to keep us both." He lifted up his broken leg and tapped it up and down on the bed several times. "Can't even get enough to keep myself these moons. Moxh stays with the twofie, at least Moxh don't starve."

The doctor just stared at him for a second. What have you been thinking Bashir? You're going home in less than a week, and you know that Elim's only letting them stay here to indulge you. What exactly did you suppose was going to happen to them when you'd gone? Maybe Elim is right to distrust compassion. Shaking off such doubts, however, he grasped the boy's shoulder and said to him earnestly, "Don't worry. I'll see to it that neither one of you starves."

Kadz shook his head. "That Damar, the one in our park, used to come on the big screens. Once he told us, those Fedders always think they can save everyone just by wishing. Kardasi know there's plenty of things--nobody can save," he said pointedly.

"Well, despite Damar, I prefer to cling to my Federation delusions a little longer," Bashir responded stiffly, and left the room.

He went immediately to Garak's comm console and logged on. The girl's deafness might actually provide an opportunity for placing her. He searched his enhanced memory. Which one of his medical school classmates was it who had gone into speech and audiology? Right, Bhatt, the one with the hearing-impaired parents. "Computer, find comm location for Bhatt, Dr. Adger V...

"So Adger Bhatt told me about the research his sister was doing into gestural communication, and she told me about the Institute on Camerzion." Julian was in full explanatory mode, excitedly filling Garak in over dinner of the positive results of his search for a better life for Moxh. "The Camerz have no vocal chords--their mouths go directly into their stomachs. They communicate with their hands and their facial expressions. They're the leading experts on all kinds of sign language in the galaxy, and they maintain a training program for gestural speakers from non-gestural species. Of course there's a waiting list a kilometer long, but they reserve spaces for any subjects needed by their resident scholars. As luck would have it, Professor Bhatt is a linguist who studies gestural systems unique to a few individuals. She'll take Moxh to the Institute and map out the system she and Kadz use with each other. In return she'll teach the girl one of the standard gestural languages that universal translators can handle. And the Camerz are also working on a chip that can be implanted behind the retina and then convert speech into sign. She might not want to go that far, but at least she'll have the choice and--" Bashir stopped for breath, at the same time noticing Garak's preoccupied air "--you stopped listening to me about five minutes ago."

"You've found the girl a school where she will learn to communicate with someone other than that reprobate brother of hers," Garak said. "I've heard every word you've said. I don't suppose they are going to invite him to Camerzion also?"

"Professor Bhatt will want to observe the two together. I was hoping that you'd let them stay on here until she arrives next week. But, no, she won't be taking Kadz with her. I-I suspect you'll have to send him to me on the station. He'll probably cause as many problems as that young Jem'Hadar Odo tried to tame, but I can't think of any other alternative until his leg heals."

"I think it would be better for all concerned if Kadz remained here."

"I agree that he shouldn't necessarily leave Cardassia, but there's no way he can survive on the streets now," Bashir replied.

"You misunderstand, Julian. I meant that Kadz should remain here, in my house."

"You can't be serious," Bashir exclaimed. "The very sight of him makes you livid."

"Ah, but the sight of you makes me indescribably happy. You'll want to check up on him often, like the dedicated physician you are. If he's here, that gives you an excellent excuse to come see me. You know I'm never without my ulterior motives."

"I don't need any excuses to come see you. I love you."

"Not an excuse, then, but an explanation-- to your colleagues, in case you'd rather not tell them about your devious Cardassian lover," Garak said.

"Look, Elim, I'm not ashamed of our relationship. If this is about my not resigning my post on DS9--"

Garak put his hand to Bashir's lips. "Of course it's not. I don't expect you to change everything in your life just because we're lovers. As Preloc says, 'To have one's beloved in one's arms for only an hour suffices if one's beloved dwells always in one's heart.' Besides, I'm probably doomed to end up Cardassian ambassador to Bajor, and you'll eventually have more than enough of me in your quarters every night complaining about quarrelsome Kais and Vedeks and First Ministers. In the meantime, you must allow me my little intrigues. I can't let my skills get rusty." He folded his napkin and reached for Julian's empty plate . "I'll clear up, and then we can go find out how well our guests take to the new futures we have mapped out for them."

The doctor went in alone to tell Kadz of the plans for Moxh. The boy listened to him intently. When Bashir had completed his recitation, he inquired, "This Ins-ti-tute that will study Moxh, you're sure it's no hospital to cut her up?"

"Of course not! It's really a school. The researchers will learn from Moxh, and she'll learn from them. She'll have a room all to herself and everything she wants to eat."

"Can't say no then," Kadz beamed.

"Now Kadz, you do realize that Camerzion is very far away. You and Moxh may not see each other for a very long time. I know how close you are. It may be hard." The doctor didn't want to deceive the boy that the advantages of the proposition came without any cost.

"Hard, yes, but has to be," Kadz said. "Better that Moxh gets close to other studders than Kadz. Lately she's been talking that no one does her like her brother, wants us to go off by ourselves and have some accies. Guess she thinks their food's going to fall from the sky. But even if it did, we can't be doing the rest. Ara Beldon, the one that knows all about how babies come, she says that it's not the best thing for sisters to have accies with their brothers." He turned an inquiring countenance toward Bashir. "That true, Fedder?"

The doctor did everything in his power not to sound judgmental. "Yes, it's not at all the best thing , Kadz."

The boy sucked in his breath sharply. "Then she'll go to the Institute, and Kadz will stay behind. If I tell her slow, she'll be ready when the study woman comes to take her."

"Good man," Bashir said, impressed at this unexpected capacity for self-sacrifice. "It's not just Moxh who'll be well cared for, though. Garak has agreed to let you stay with him until your leg is better. Here he is to tell you about it himself." This was the cue for Garak to enter, but before he had taken two steps into the room, Kadz delivered his analysis of the situation.

"It's fair, I nabbed his keepings, cheated him out of the latinum rock. He gets more from working me than calling sec." He looked Garak up and down with an appraising eye. "Won't be so bad. Kadz been fucked by half the twofies on Prime, lots of them older and uglier than he is."

"No, no, you've got it all wrong. Garak isn't demanding anything in return for his hospitality--certainly not sexual favors."

"Why else would a gitter keep an acci around?" Kadz asked skeptically.

Behind him, Bashir heard Garak suck in his breath, much as Kadz had done moments before. "No other reason Kadz. Except that I'm not a gitter, I'm an acci, just like you."

"You lie!" the boy declared.

"Frequently. However, this happens to be the truth." Kadz looked with incredulity at Bashir, seeking confirmation. The doctor nodded.

"Can't grab it. No acci gets a big house like this. 'Cept maybe the Jemmies got his keeper, and he's just squatting."

"My mother's... keeper took an interest in me when I was small," Garak explained. "He gave me the opportunity to learn what he could teach me, so I could become an asset to the state, rather than a nuisance to it. I'm willing to pass on that opportunity to you."

"Why? You don't even like me."

"And I imagine I will like you even less before our time together has ended. However, these days Cardassia is in no position to throw away any of its people, even impudent street boys."

"I hope you can appreciate the chance Garak is offering you," Bashir intoned sententiously, all the while wondering why this was the first he was hearing of this motivation for Elim to keep the boy with him.

Garak raised his eye-ridges slightly at Julian's pronouncement. "The doctor has, however, mislead you in respect to my requiring nothing in return for my hospitality. Becoming capable of productive service to the state will require extremely hard work from you."

Kadz hardly looked overjoyed at the prospect. "Kadz says no thanks, you call sec, right?"

Garak grabbed Bashir hard by the wrist to forestall any indignant denial by the doctor. "That's right. Hard work for me or hard labor for the security forces."

"Guess you win then, old twofie."

Garak stepped forward and grabbed both the boy's wrists even harder than he had Bashir's. "All right Kadz. We're going to have your first lesson right now. Kardasi is a rich and beautiful language. You will use it properly and respectfully in this house. The correct response is "I accept your offer, Garak."

"I accept your offer, Garak," the boy spat out, his eyes blazing defiance.

"Good." The Cardassian released his grip. He gave Kadz his characteristic little mocking bow of the head and walked out.

Whew, what a battle of wills this is going to be, Bashir thought to himself. Before going out himself, he bent down and said to his patient. "Before you think about taking Garak on, Kadz, let me give you a little advice. He's the man who made it possible for your Damar to drive the Jemmies out. After facing down the leader of the whole Dominion, I don't think he'll have any trouble with you."

And Kadz, his eyes as big as Prime's two moons at full, for once had not a word to say.

The day he had to return to Deep Space Nine came all too soon for Julian Bashir. Being apart from Elim, having to explain things to Ezri--it wasn't going to be easy. Yet the joy these past days had given him made any future difficulties appear eminently surmountable. He smiled as he folded each of the six pairs of the briefest of silver silk briefs his lover had made for him and packed them at the top of his travel bag. "The more I have to peel off that lovely body of yours," Elim had said, "the more satisfying it is." Julian then closed the bag's fasteners, picked up his uniform jacket from the bed and put it on. A glance at the antique Cardassian chronometer told him that they wouldn't have to leave for the spaceport for another quarter hour. He sighed and went into the living room.

Garak was sitting on the couch studying a PADD; Moxh, curled up beside him, was concentrating on piecing together a pile of colored cloth squares according to a simple pattern Garak had provided. In contrast to these two still figures was Kadz, fidgeting like mad in his seat in front of the computer console. The boy took Bashir's entrance as a welcome cue to swivel his chair around and hop up on his good leg. He limped energetically toward the doctor and reached for his bag. "Ready to go, Fedder? Kadz will take that out and beam it to the runabout."

Garak rose and put his hand on Kadz's shoulder. "Kadz will do no such thing. Kadz will go back to the computer and attend to his lessons."

"Lessons? Stupid time-wasting more like--ugh" As the boy was in the middle of his protest, Garak's hand slid up the neck bones, provided a little pressure, and Kadz was suddenly flailing like a sea-gettle washed up on shore. Garak caught him before he fell, dragged him back to the computer, and with another touch to his neck restored his muscle control.

Despite the painful correction, Kadz was unrepentant. "Aw, Garak, what's the good of lessons for an acci?"

"I've told you that you'll have no chance of getting off the streets and being of service to the state unless you acquire some useful skills."

"Sure, sure. And then what? Cleaner at Central Waste Extraction's the best state service they'd trust to the likes of Kadz. I'd rather stay with the sportin'."

"Until another Klingon you insult decides to finish the job?" Garak inquired acidly. This reminder of his failure finally sufficed to quell the boy. He leaned forward, crossing his arms on the desk and balancing his chin on them with a surly expression. "Kadz got honor too, not just those Klingon gitters," he muttered.

Julian patted him on the head. "Of course you do," he said earnestly, casting a reproachful look at Garak, who however showed no remorse. True, that it's a hard case to make when you've named yourself after your own testicles, the doctor thought. That thought led to a question. "Kadz, did your mother ever call you and Moxh by different names than you have now?"

The boy nodded, "Jilana"--he motioned toward his sister-- "and Jogal. Rich gitter names. Our mo-mo was a dreamer." Kadz gave a little snort. "How our street mates laughed when we said 'em. Dropped 'em soon enough for names more fitting."

Garak knelt beside the boy and held him with his famous interrogator's stare. "Listen, you learn what I can teach you, and I promise you that I'll find you work far more to your liking than either sporting or waste extraction maintenance."

The boy regarded him with suspicion. "No lies, Garak?"

"No lies, Jogal." Garak insisted. "Now, while I take Dr. Bashir to the spaceport, you will therefore memorize every single symbol on those five screens and be able to reproduce them for me, in order, by the time I return. Is that understood?"

"Understood, Garak." Kadz sighed loudly and screwed up his face into an exaggerated representation of concentration as he stared at the computer.

"And the next time I come back to check on your leg, you can amaze me with your powers of recall," Bashir said.

The boy's face brightened. "Will do Fedder. And you can count on Kadz to see the old twofie here don't get too lonesome those moons, case you're worried."

Garak's hand hovered over the boy's shoulder again. "Ah, my dear pupil, another lesson you're going to learn is the positive effect of abstinence in cultivating self-discipline."

"Hey, hey, a sport can't do lessons all the time."

The hand moved lower, but did not go for the nerve. "True. And when you need some relaxation, you can do some needlework. Perhaps you have as natural an aptitude as your sister."

Kadz laughed. "Studders don't do no sewing, not this one at least."

"I hardly think that someone who boasts that he's 'been fucked by half the twofies on Prime' is going to suffer any further damage to his masculinity because he knows how to hem a pair of trousers in an emergency." The hand rested lightly on the boy's shoulder. Kadz lowered his eyes and chewed on his lip. He reached up and carefully removed Garak's hand. "Kadz has to work on his screens," he muttered. Garak stepped back and said, "I think we should be going, Julian."

Bashir clapped Kadz heartily on the back, but the boy shrugged him off and continued to stare at the computer display. The doctor then went over to Moxh and gave her a hug and planted a kiss on her forehead. She favored him with a dazzling smile and one of her little happy sounds. He'd figured out the sign she used for good-bye and made the gesture to her. The smile faded. The girl bent down and returned to her sewing. Evidently she and her brother handled partings by ignoring them. Garak had already stepped outside, and Bashir, feeling ever more reluctant to go, nevertheless saw no further reason to linger.

Garak carefully programmed the outside door locks and then tilted the transporter device around his wrist toward Bashir. "Shall we?" he asked.

In these last few minutes alone together in the runabout before they would have to part for at least a month, Julian knew he should not breathe a word about Kadz, who always seemed to be annoyingly tangled up in their relationship. Yet he had nagging doubts as to whether leaving the boy with Garak was a good idea. "Elim," he ventured, "don't you think you're being awfully hard on Kadz- on Jogal?"

"Julian, every day of that boy's life he's learned that gentleness, that compassion are weaknesses he should relentlessly exploit in others and crush absolutely in himself if he's going to survive. He never thanked you for saving his life, did he? And he never will. If there is even the slightest chance he is to learn to respect himself, to set worthy goals and persevere until he meets them, to become anything more meaningful to his devastated planet than a sexual parasite, then I cannot afford to let up on him for a minute." Garak paused and shook his head. "It's probably too late. He's done as he pleases during all the years that properly raised Cardassian children learn to subordinate their wilfulness to the greater good of the state."

"What will happen to him, if you fail?"

"When his injuries are healed, I'll send him back where he came from. He'll be no worse off there for my tutelage. On the slight chance that he applies himself to his lessons in good faith--well, the government is establishing residential schools for the many orphans the Dominion has left us with, and if the boy had my recommendation, the authorities would probably not look too closely into his background. I warn you though, my dear Julian, if that happens, and he should come to us on his holidays, I will not have you destroy all my hard work by infecting him with your sentimental Federation ideas."

Bashir leaned over and kissed him. "Oh, Elim, I do love you," he said.

"So you have convinced me."

Bashir felt a twinge of disappointment. Come on, you didn't really expect him to say he loved you, not this soon. That would be just as likely as an expression of gratitude from Kadz.

However, Garak had already deciphered his lover's countenance. "You're unhappy, are you, that I didn't return your declaration of affection?"

"No, it's all right, Elim. I know you're not the type to wear your heart on your sleeve."

"What a gruesome expression!" Garak said with a teasing air. "But surely you're aware how often I've told you I love you."

Bashir wrinkled his nose to nearly Bajoran proportions to express his exasperation. "Really, Elim, I don't think that's something I would have forgot!"

"Why, Julian, my dear, I tell you I love you every time I ask you to come inside."

Kudos

"A toast now, everyone," said Miles O'Brien, holding his glass of champagne aloft. "To my old chum Julian Bashir. We've got used to his winning every biochemistry prize in the quadrant for his cures for genetically engineered diseases. But even the venerable Nobel pales beside this one. The Federation has only awarded the Leonard McCoy medal for medical practice as a humane discipline twice in the last hundred years. Garak, why don't you read the inscription?"

The Cardassian's blue eyes sparkled as he proclaimed in a voice husky with emotion, "To Dr. Julian Subatoi Bashir, whose brilliant research has given hope that no power will ever again willfully induce suffering in entire peoples, secure in the knowledge that nothing can end that suffering, but whose true greatness is revealed in the words of the former patient who nominated him for this award, 'There was never a hurt so small or a sufferer so base that he would not stop to heal.'" Garak touched his glass to O'Brien's and said, "Gh'mak entar, praise to the praiseworthy."

"Gh'mak entar," repeated the small circle of friends who surrounded the doctor-- Miles and Keiko, Ezri and Jake, Jilana and Jogal. Then they all touched glasses and downed the bubbly liquor. Julian embraced Elim and clapped Miles on the back. "I, uh, want to thank all of you for being with me tonight. Honors don't mean much unless you've someone to share them with.

And Elim's not lost his touch, bringing you all to Cardassia without my ever suspecting a thing. I do know that the replicator's been working overtime, so let's all go into the kitchen and see what delicacies are on offer."

"Wait a minute," O'Brien put in. "We've had the Cardassian sentiment, now it's time for the human." With that he launched into a rousing version of "For he's a jolly good fellow" in his slightly off-key baritone. Keiko and Jake joined in enthusiastically, while the Trill and the three Cardassians maintained a slightly puzzled silence.

Just as the singers were stretching out the last syllable of the last repetition of "And so say all of us," a small girl ran into the room from the hallway. She was wearing a bright print nightgown whose background matched her shock of flaming red hair. The hair came as quite a contrast to her slate blue complexion and the white nubby antennae that protruded from her forehead. She made her way to Jilana's side and signed to her, in words converted to speech by everyone's universal translators, "Mo-mo, these people are too loud. I can't sleep."

"Shh, Trel'ammi, it's a party for Doctor Julian, remember?" Jilana signed back. "Don't insult all his friends who've come from so far away."

The child extended her lower lip in a pout. "You tell me always to let you know if sounds keep me awake, so you can get my ear shields."

"That's right," Julian intervened. "We've got to protect those super sensitive ears of yours." He

swept the girl up in his arms. "But you're in luck, Trel'ammi, because now that all my noisy friends have awakened you, we're going to get you some of Takkon Garak's sweeties." She nodded her head and gave him a dazzling smile as he led the other guests to the dessert table.

Garak had asked all the invited guests to send him the replicator formulas for their favorite desserts, so the table was laden with everything from Idanian spice pudding to larish pie to trifle. Julian even caught sight of the date and honey cake his mother always made for him as a boy. Of course Amsha and Elim had been exchanging recipes for years, and Julian had laughed long and hard at his lover's discomfiture when one of them came inscribed to "the best daughter-in-law any fond mother could have."

Julian picked up an Andorrian confection made of menala seeds rolled into balls of spun sugar made from the sap of the menala tree. "Open wide Trel'ammi, " he said, popping it into the little girl's mouth. He planned to dig into the keva-flavored sponge cake topped with Delavian chocolate icing that Garak always made for him on special occasions, but he wanted to wait for his guests to serve themselves first. As he stood popping still more menala balls into Trel'ammi's eagerly anticipatory mouth, he saw Jogal cut a slice of the larish pie and hurriedly return with it and a glass of kanar into the living room. Trying to stay well out of Elim's way, Julian concluded with a sigh.

The relationships he and Elim had maintained with these twin Cardassian street children whom they had rescued ten years ago couldn't be more different. Jilana had stayed five years at the Institute for Gestural Communication on Camerzion, and the instant she had learned a standard sign language, she had kept in regular touch with them both (although she was in many respects noticeably partial to Garak). She visited two or three times a year, had invited them to her wedding to Telar, a mute Andorrian fellow student at the Institute, and had insisted that Julian deliver her baby. She behaved, in general, as if she were their daughter.

Jogal, on the other hand--it had been one melodrama after another. He had spent a half year under Garak's tutelage, demonstrating a quick intelligence and aptitude for computer codes, and a complete unwillingness to cultivate self-discipline. He and Garak battled constantly, and Julian wasn't at all pleased by how often his lover would resort to physical punishment to control the boy. Finally Garak, with decided misgivings, managed to enroll his charge in a state-sponsored boarding school, from which he was promptly expelled two months later for "being a corrupting influence on the other students." The school had provided Jogal with transit vouchers to return to Bajor, where Garak was serving as the Cardassian ambassador, but he never showed up.

Julian had been frantic, Elim resigned. "We did our best for him, and he chose his own gratification instead," the Cardassian said. "He's no doubt gone back to the streets where he belongs."

Three weeks after Jogal had disappeared, he turned up completely unexpectedly at the Infirmary on DS9, looking decidedly the worse for wear. Gradually Julian got out of him that the boy had indeed returned to selling himself on the streets of Cardassia Prime, only to find that the business was not what it had been. He no longer could offer the novelty of being part of a twin act, there were fewer curious aliens on Prime now that Cardassia was beginning to be self-sufficient again, and, he confessed, "there's younger and prettier studders out there in Kadz's park these moons." He begged Bashir just to let him live with him on the station, away from that "horrible old twofie," but the Doctor couldn't agree. While Jogal had in a peculiar way brought him and Elim together, he wasn't going to allow the boy to play them against each other and thus drive them apart. "Elim will be coming here in four hours. You'll have to make your peace with him before we can talk about your future."

Elim had no sooner caught sight of Jogal than he said, "Well, have you come crawling back so soon?" Without waiting for an answer, which the boy seemed unlikely to supply, he then told Julian, "Go entertain yourself at Quark's for an hour, my dear. Jogal and I have matters to discuss." The boy had pleaded for Julian to stay, claiming that Garak was bound to kill him.

"I will not lay a finger on him, I promise you," Garak insisted, and Julian took him at his word and left.

When he returned, Jogal wasn't in his and Elim's quarters. Garak explained that he had found the boy his own accommodations on the station for now and that he was planning to enroll him in a training school for computer technicians in the Chin'toka system. He had made it clear that this was absolutely the last chance he would offer Jogal but that no matter how things worked out, he refused ever to let the boy enter his residence again. "I know you are fond of him, Julian, and I don't object to your maintaining contact, but I refuse to have anything more to do with him myself."

Bashir had never got Jogal to tell him what had transpired during the interview with Garak. The boy shipped out for Chin'toka without protest the next day. He communicated with the doctor on a haphazard basis and occasionally dropped by the station when his school holidays and Garak's trips back to Prime coincided. He claimed to have been awarded a certificate for completing his training course two years later, and to have been flooded with job offers to serve as a data systems designer, although Bashir never saw any hard and fast proof of these stories. The only fact about Jogal's post-graduation activities that Julian could verify was that he had for the past three years been working as a sales representative for a Ferengi wholesaler whom he had met one day at Quark's. His product was "pleasure enhancers"--sex toys-- and he had his own runabout, "The Kadz," with which he traveled from Orion to Risa to Earth and dozens of systems in between to contact potential clients. Bashir couldn't help laughing at the appropriateness of the young Cardassian's career choice, but Garak had been furious to hear of it. "The State invests in his training and then he abandons Cardassia for a life of promoting degeneracy," his lover had thundered, and he couldn't be teased out of his anger by Julian calling him a prude and asking whether he might buy one of Jogal's wares for Elim's birthday.

Julian reflected that it proved Elim's great love for him that he would have invited Jogal once more to enter his home on Cardassia Prime, where he now served as Minister of Culture, in order to have their entire "family" present to celebrate the great honor Starfleet had bestowed upon the doctor. Ever since Jogal's arrival with Jilana and Trel'ammi this morning, however, he and Garak had devoted most of their energies to avoiding each other. They had exchanged at best a few perfunctory phrases. The doctor wished he knew why these two people who were both dear to him could not get over their deep-seated animosity toward each other.

A hand on his arm brought him out of his reverie. "Julian," Jilana signed, "how much candy have you been feeding Trel'ammi?" While he had been lost in thought, the little girl had stuffed her mouth full to bursting with the Andorrian delicacies. "If she gets sick, you're the doctor who's going to deal with it while I enjoy the party," her mother joked.

"Uh, sorry, I got distracted," he replied apologetically.

Jilana reached up to take the girl from him and shook her head with an affectionate smile. She expertly balanced the child on one arm as she carried her plate and drink in her other hand on the way back to the living room.

Julian glanced around and saw that he was the sole remaining inhabitant of the kitchen. He cut himself a sizable piece of the sponge cake, poured a glass of the very old port Miles had brought, and rejoined his friends.

The party had resolved itself into three little clusters. Jilana sat on the couch with Trel'ammi on her lap while Miles stood in front of her demonstrating something on a PADD. Engineering talk, Julian concluded. Jilana did structural designs for large industrial installations. Over in the corner by the window, Garak was engaged in animated conversation with Keiko. Since his return to his native planet, Garak had gradually let gardening overtake sewing as his passion, and he was no doubt taking advantage of Dr. O'Brien's skills as a botanist. Up against the bookcases that lined the rear wall, Ezri and Jake were talking to Jogal. Julian decided that this conversation would be the most congenial and walked over to them.

"So how's the man of the hour?" Ezri said with a smile, and then a kiss on the cheek. Julian saw Jake stiffen. Although Garak and Bashir had been together for ten years now, and Jake and Ezri had been married for four, the young human never seemed totally comfortable about the doctor's previous relationship with his wife.

"Rather overwhelmed at all the fuss, to be honest," Julian muttered, ducking his head. "Jake must know what it's like, after all the praise he got for his definitive history of the Dominion War last year."

"Yeah," Jogal chimed in. "It seems every planet I land on to make my sales, you see his book in the shops, or find out he's coming to give a lecture. Got to read it when I get the chance. We didn't exactly hear the full story on Cardassia, with the Jemmies and Vorta saying what was what."

"I'm not sure even my book gets at the full story," Jake said. "I've never been satisfied with the chapter on how the Romulans came into the war against the Founders. Senator Vreenak's ship blowing up, that stolen data rod--it always seemed too, too... convenient. I've always wondered if some anti-Dominion faction of the Romulan senate in fact arranged the whole thing, to get rid of opposition at home. Maybe I should ask Garak what he thinks. He knows a lot about the Romulans, doesn't he?"

"He knows a lot about everything, if you can believe what he tells you," Jogal replied dismissively. There was an awkward silence, until Ezri launched an obvious attempt to change the subject. "So, Julian, are you enjoying your work on Starbase 274?"

"Yes, it's very challenging. We gather data on any illness that makes a first occurrence in Federation space, track epidemics, do research on vaccines. And besides its quarantine wing for infectious disease patients, the Infirmary that's affiliated with the laboratory also receives any trauma cases that occur on ships in the entire sector. There's really never a dull moment. Still, I must admit that the main attraction is that it's only an hour from Cardassia Prime, instead of twenty. Now I can come home to Elim every evening I'm not on duty."

"Wouldn't trade that for Quark's holosuites myself," Jogal said. Julian shot him a disapproving look. "Speaking of which," the Cardassian added, unrepentant, "how's that wreck of a Kardasi station doing without the services of the Fedder doc here?"

"Oh, it's very grim," Ezri intoned with mock solemnity. "The new CMO is a Vulcan--very skilled, but absolutely no bedside manner. Patients of hers no sooner check out of the Infirmary than they come straight to me to receive counseling for depression."

"Let's have no talk of depression on such a festive occasion!" Garak had come up behind them, putting his arm around Julian. "I hope you're all enjoying yourselves."

"I think I'll get some more pie," Jogal answered, bolting for the kitchen.

"All the desserts are great," Jake said. "It's the best Idanian spice pudding I've had in years."

"A secret ingredient I learned from some Idanians themselves, many years ago. I'm glad it pleases you. Julian and I have both been fascinated by your account of the War in that history you so kindly sent us."

"Elim is especially fascinated that you gave him an entire chapter to himself," Julian teased. Elim responded by making those small motions with his fingers on his lover's collar bone that usually were a signal for them to retire to the bedroom. The doctor disengaged himself, breathing hard to keep his composure. "I'd better go mingle with the rest of the guests," he gasped out.

"Always so polite, my Julian," Garak observed with a smirk.

Julian found Jilana still sitting on the sofa with Trel'ammi, but now her conversational partner was Keiko rather than Miles. The two women were deeply engaged in "mother" discussions. "I haven't seen hair as red as Trel'ammi's since Miles' last family reunion in Dublin. It's quite amazing," Keiko was saying as the doctor approached. "You'd think Cardassians and Andorrians would produce gray haired children somehow."

It wasn't really so amazing, Julian reflected. All you had to do was understand the peculiar properties of the chromosome sequence that determined Andorrian pigmentation. Red hair had actually been the most likely result of this particular cross-species mating.. He refrained from saying so, however. Elim was always chiding him afterwards when he became too explanatory: "My dear boy, when people say in casual conversation how miraculous they find some occurrence, they really do not want you to tell them that it is in fact quite commonplace to anyone who has a brain."

Jilana smiled as he came up and stood beside Keiko's chair. "Not as amazing as Trel'ammi's having hearing. Isn't that right, Julian?"

"That's right. The genetic tests placed the likelihood of Jilana and Telar having a deaf and mute child at 95% and of the child having hearing without speech at less than .0001%."

"Of course, we would have been perfectly content if she hadn't been able to hear, but Telar speaks so eloquently through his music, they tell me, that it's a truly special gift his child can share that with him, since his wife cannot. Of course," Jilana continued, noticing that her daughter was fidgeting and rubbing at her ears, "the gift is sometimes too much of a good thing. There are definite drawbacks to raising a little one whose hearing would, how do you say it, Julian, put a Ferengi to shame?"

Jogal returned from the kitchen at this point, engaged in an animated conversation with Miles about sending him "a catalog and some free samples." But O'Brien turned beet red and shushed him once they were in range of the others. Jogal laughed and scooped up his niece, then settled down next to his sister with the child on his lap. "Believe me, there's very little that would put a Ferengi to shame," he said, "and certainly not Uncle Kadz's own little sharp-eared gettle here." He tickled Trel'ammi's stomach, evoking peals of silent laughter.

"Kadz?" Keiko asked. "I thought your name was Jogal."

"Oh, it is, but Kadz is the nickname I had as a kid, and I've always thought it suited me better than my given name." He winked at Julian, who fervently hoped that no further explanations of the nickname's origins would be forthcoming. To forestall that possibility he hurried to say to the little girl, "And where did you get that pretty nightgown you're wearing, Trel'ammi?"

"Grandpa Elim made it for me," the child signed, casting her eyes over to where Garak stood with Ezri and Jake. "Come say to everyone where the pieces came from, Grandpa Elim."

Not daring refuse this august summons, Garak ambled over and knelt in front of Trel'ammi. With the child on his lap, Jogal for once had no way to escape, but leaned back as far as he could get, with a surly expression on his face. Garak pointed to various fabrics that made up the child's garment. "Here's a piece of Cardassian ilm for where your mo-mo was born, and here's a piece of Andorrian tilapo seed cloth for where your rakka was born, and here's some Camerzion leather for where they met. And here's some Terran cotton from the Federation hospital where Doctor Julian delivered you, and underneath there's a lining of Tholian silk, because that's Takkon Elim's favorite fabricl in the whole galaxy."

"And this is Trel'ammi's favorite thing to wear in the whole galaxy," the child said and then bent forward to kiss him on his spoon.

"Of course Elim never got over my becoming a structural engineer instead of a fashion designer,"

Jilana chuckled.

"You had such a talent for putting patterns together, my dear, but then the Cardassian female's predilection for working in metals and polymers led you astray from satins and velvets," Garak replied with mock regret.

"Grandpa, don't fight with mo-mo," Trel'ammi said with an anxious expression.

"Grandpa is only teasing mo-mo, don't worry," Julian hastened to reassure her.

"So how come Garak is her 'grandpa' and you're not?" Miles asked with some amusement.

"That's very complicated." Bashir answered. "Andorrians define family with almost complete disregard to actual blood relationships. All adults who are involved in raising a child qualify as a rakka or rakke, a father or mother. The same goes for takkons and takkens, grandparents who've helped raise the child's parents. However, Andorrians feel about species the way Cardassians feel about biological parentage. So, as a human, I don't qualify for any kinship relation to Jilana or her child. I just have to settle for being Doctor Julian."

"I'll take the Cardassian way anytime," Jogal interjected with a scowl. "No way I'd want anyone to think Garak was my rakka."

"Kadz!" Jilana exclaimed. Then she began to sign in their own private gestural language, which the translators couldn't decode. Bashir had gotten pretty rusty on understanding those signs, but there was no mistaking Jilana's anger at her brother's rudeness and hostility toward their host. He was signing back just as angrily. As the other guests studiously attended to their refreshments, Garak picked up Trel'ammi and retreated with her out of the line of fire. However, the child soon began to cry and wriggled free. She ran to her mother and grabbed her hands, thus stopping

the conversation. When Jilana gathered her into her arms, the little girl then grabbed the eyeglass-type device that her mother wore to translate oral speech into sign and threw it to the floor. Then she covered her ears with her own little hands and started rocking back and forth in Jilana's arms.

Jogal got up and said in Alpha Quadrant standard sign language, "Here, she's tired. Let me put her to bed." His sister handed her daughter over with a glare, and no one protested when the young Cardassian and his niece left the room.

There wasn't much that could be done to rescue the evening after that. The O'Briens and the Siskos made embarrassed good-byes and returned to the orbiting transport that had brought them to Prime. Jilana started to clean up, pausing every few minutes to make apologies to Garak for her brother's conduct. When Jogal failed to reappear after a half hour, Julian went looking for him. The doctor found him sitting in a chair beside his sleeping niece's bed, apparently lost in thought. Bashir tiptoed in and motioned Jogal out into the hall.

"You can't hide from Elim forever, you know," Julian began.

"Oh, no? I've done a good enough job of it until now. It was a mistake for me to come, doc, even for your sake. I'm leaving early in the morning. Telar's concert tour is over in a couple of days, and he'll fetch Moxh and Trel'ammi back home."

Julian didn't know what else to say about Jogal's feud with Garak beyond what he had said to both of them, to no avail, throughout the years. "Did Trel'ammi calm down right away," he asked instead.

"No, she's always gets upset around oral speakers, even if she can hear. Specially when the voices overlap. She does like it, though, when her uncle Kadz reads her the tale of the ghostly riding hound of the Ghetakeret plain and imitates the wail of the hound as it hunts down the unwary enemies of Cardassia. I had to read it through four times before she dropped off, and I've put on the ear shields to keep her from waking up this time." Jogal shook his head. "To think of my Moxh married and with her own little gitter. Wouldn't have grabbed that as anyway possible when we first met all that time ago."

"Trel'ammi is a very special child," Julian agreed. "I'm just sorry they live so far away, and we see them so rarely. I wish they'd chosen to settle on Cardassia. Have you ever thought about coming home, Jogal? I can't imagine the cold, damp climate of Ferenginar would be very attractive to a Cardassian."

"I'm travelling nine days out of ten, plenty of hot dry planets on my route. Besides, I've no love for Cardassia. It's still no place for an acci."

"How can you say that? They repealed the bastardy laws six years ago. You'd be a full citizen now."

"Didn't repeal people's opinions," Jogal retorted. "Those will never change. Look how they've treated Garak. First he has to wrangle with those ungrateful Bajorans, then they bring him home to be Minister of Culture. Running around giving speeches and opening museums and libraries! If he'd been a gitter, it would have been different. He'd be in charge of everyone. Even that human Jake thinks more of him than his own people do."

"This human thinks pretty much of him, too, as you well know," Julian laughed. "Besides, Elim loves giving lectures and dedicating libraries. He's in his element." Then he realized the oddness of what Jogal had just said. "Since when do you care whether he gets the respect he deserves from Cardassia," the doctor asked. "You can't manage to stay in the same room with him for more than a quarter hour."

"Just because I still think he's a right bloody bastard, as your friend Miles would say, doesn't change the fact of him driving the Jemmies out and getting nothing in return for it. He should have stayed on that station with you and left those Cardie gitters to fend for themselves. That's what this acci is doing."

Suddenly Bashir's communicator chirped: "Level five emergency at Starbase 274 trauma center. All off-duty staff report at once."

Bashir hurriedly changed into his uniform and summoned his runabout from orbit. He paused briefly to say his good-byes to Elim, who was still putting dishes in the recycler and leftovers in the preserver. "There's been a rupture of the main plasma conduit that runs the length of deck five on the Starship Verdun. The area's been sealed off, but the bridge has lost communications with the trapped crewmen. The ship's traveling to Starbase 274 at Warp 8.5. They think there may be hundreds of casualties. I expect to be in surgery most of the night, so I'll just sleep over in my quarters on the base. I'll call you in the morning about when I'll be back, as soon as I know myself."

Elim kissed him passionately on the lips. "I hope it's soon," he said a little wistfully.

"I'm sorry the party fell apart on us Elim," Julian commiserated, returning the kiss. "It was a wonderful idea, and I love you for planning it." Then he pressed his communicator and beamed up to the runabout.

Bashir arrived at the base a few minutes after the Verdun docked, only to discover that, thankfully, the casualties had been far fewer than anticipated. A young assistant engineer had contained the plasma eruption before it contaminated the whole deck. There turned out to be a ratio of only one trauma patient per doctor, so Bashir was released from duty about midnight, Cardassian time.

There was no need to stay on the base, he reasoned. What could be better than surprising Elim by slipping into his bed with hours of darkness still before them? It would make up a bit for the party debacle. Besides, the doctor felt decidedly uneasy about the prospect of Jogal and Elim in the same house without him there to mediate.

Garak's security was such that even the residents of his house couldn't beam directly inside. You had to transport down to the front door and then enter the access codes. As Julian programmed in one complex series of letters, numbers and symbols after another, he heard voices and male laughter. Who could be visiting so late, he wondered. Finally the door sprang open and he walked into the living room, where Elim and Jogal were sitting on the couch, smiles on their faces, toasting each other with glasses of kanar. They turned and regarded Bashir with surprised expressions.

"Julian, you're back early, how delightful," Garak beamed, not missing a beat. "As you can see, Jogal and I have finally decided to put this feud of ours behind us."

The truth of it hit Bashir in a flash. How could he have been so blind all these years? Jogal's job, servicing a clientele that no doubt specialized in pleasuring some of the most influential people on dozens of Alpha Quadrant worlds--it was a perfect cover.

"You can drop the pretense, Elim," he said, his face dark with anger.

Jogal and Garak exchanged meaningful glances. "Oh my, I've stayed up much too late," the younger Cardassian mumbled. "I'd better get to sleep--since I'm shipping out so early. Night, doc." He scrambled up and hurried off down the hall.

Bashir plopped down into the nearest chair, clenching and unclenching his fists. He stared straight into Garak's eyes. "You turned him into a spy, didn't you?"

The Cardassian smiled, "I promised long ago that I would teach him what I knew. Since he absolutely refused to take up the needle, and his taste in literature was even worse than yours, what else was there left for me to do? "

"It's not funny, Elim," Bashir returned with a snort.

"I don't know.. I find it most amusing that you've only now figured things out. I must congratulate Jogal on his performance."

"And yourself. He learned from the master."

"Thank you very kindly, my love. I did worry through the years that both of us might have overplayed our parts."

"Perhaps you did," Julian replied. "I'm obviously not much of a drama critic. How could you do this to him, Elim, after all the Obsidian Order did to you?"

Garak finally grew serious. "Every great power has to have an intelligence service, your precious Federation included. I've never been able to fathom your fascination with espionage as a fantasy and your contempt for it as a reality."

Julian absorbed the rebuke for several seconds. "And you don't care whether the memories will make him wake up screaming thirty years from now, as they do you?" he asked, his voice almost breaking.

Garak leaned forward and took the doctor's hand. "I've not trained him to be a torturer or an assassin, believe me. He simply gathers intelligence. That's all."

"Right you are Garak," Jogal chimed in, returning from the corridor from which he had been listening in on their conversation, like the able spy he was. "I only kill them in self-defense, doc, so don't ruffle." He perched on the arm of Bashir's chair, grinning broadly. "So, Julian here has tumbled to our little charade at last?"

"He has," Garak said.

"About time I'd say. Wasn't any fun keeping up the pretense. But I thought you were Mr. Superbrain, doc. What took you so long?"

"I suppose I didn't want to see it, so I didn't see it."

"I never grabbed why Garak wanted you in the dark in the first place. I mean, we could trust you. Now, it would have blown my cover the first week if people thought too closely about my being virtually the adopted son of Garak of the Obsidian Order, but you could have still told them how much he and I hated each other, even if it was just a game."

"He's not a very good liar, Kadz," Garak said. "I've told you that often enough."

"Well, I hope some of the skill's rubbed off from being with you all this time, 'cause he's going to have to keep our secret now."

"Or you could quit the business, now that your cover's blown," Bashir suggested.

"Doc, don't make me do that," the young man pleaded. "I was born to be a spy. At least I took to it like a wompet to alcara trees."

"And you've no regrets?"

"Not a one. Plus I really am the quadrant's leading profit generator for Graks and Zag Pleasure Enhancers, Ltd. It's a great life. Only--" Jogal's exuberance dimmed slightly.

"Only what?"

"Only, don't tell Moxh, all right? She'd worry herself sick."

Julian could see that he had long ago lost this battle. "Your secret is safe with me, from your sister and everyone else."

Jogal clapped him on the back heartily. "I knew you'd go along. Kept telling Garak we shouldn't wait till you found out on your own. And now that we're all of us friends again, how about a threesome? I've got a number of my top of the line accessories in my sample kit."

"Kadz! Go to bed," both Garak and Bashir shouted in unison. "And we do mean alone," Garak added, once he stopped laughing.

"You are the most conventional pair of old twofies I've ever met." the young man exclaimed in annoyance. "But I'll seduce the pair of you yet. 'Cause, till you've done it with Kadz, you don't know what you're missing." He caressed each of them on the neck in his most provocative manner, planted a kiss square on each of their lips, and then dashed off to his bedroom before they could retaliate.

"That boy is utterly shameless, always has been," Julian observed after Kadz had departed.

"It helps him in the work, of course," Garak said, as he began caressing Julian's face and working to unfasten his uniform.

"Ummm," Julian replied breathlessly, as he reached inside Elim's trousers. "With all the action he sees, I don't understand why he's set on getting 'two old twofies' like us into his bed."

"Isn't it obvious, my dear?" Garak purred as he maneuvered his lover to their bedroom. "He knows full well that he is the one who is missing out on something very special."

[lilmajorshawty]

favorite sun/moon combos?

Oh lord. Honestly hmm

Aries sun/Virgo moon: super easy going and relaxed and has a earthy side to them that I think is to die for! This tones down the impulsiveness and adds a touch of rationality when dealing with things that I like and they can be a nice blend of fiery and sensual.

Aries sun/Scorpio moon: “intense” they are pretty prolific honestly have strong feelings and treat everything in life similarly to their emotional landscape! I find them irresistible and I think it adds a nice level of depth to them and creates an interesting dynamic! The only take away is they can be a bit dramatic and overbearing.

Taurus sun/Aquarius moon: LIKE OMG? these guys and gals are so so sooooooooooooooooooooooo amazing! They have this air about them that seems so far away yet so grounded and in your face but in a very hard to grasp way. They’re very socially inclined and can really be brainiacs! I adore the way they carry themselves and I honestly think as stubborn as they may be due to the double fixed energy they can be so giving and charitable.

Taurus sun/Leo moon: probably my 2nd favorite! My cousin has this combo and he’s very self assure and confident but Taurus has a humbling affect here for Leo moon and tones down the arrogance and more “me me me” lower aspects of this moon! They are very powerful and have a heavy presence that demands respect and they often are liked by like everyone due to how authentic and real they are! But yeah I think this is a great team.

Taurus sun/gemini moon: 💗💗 my mom has this and a close friend! Super super upbeat place for Taurus and also they can be so air headed and all over the place but in a cutesy way! It also gives Taurus the ability to let go of grudges and move on with their lives! Like this combo is super easy going and forever childlike. Albeit they can be emotionally immature(takes a while for them to understand their emotions) but overall super great.

Cancer sun/libra moon: for some reason this has a Scorpio vibe? Like most I’ve known with this tend to be high key private and secretive. But overall they are super super sweet and sensitive! Albeit the downsides here are extreme indecisiveness and outright self led denial they are still very caring and optimistic for the most part and know how to get along with practically anyone like seriously these guys are the epitomes of socially sophisticated! But i love them so so much.

Cancer sun/Aquarius moon: one of my friends has this and she is..hmm like hot and cold? Summer and winter!? Her desires never match up and she can be a little aloof and cold emotionally and then crying a storm and clingy the next. I actually love this dynamic because it calls for a lot of growth from a person! These people are very complex and can have so many desires running around inside that they don’t learn how to properly express until later on in life. But overall I love them! Wise beyond their years and extremely open and free spirited! They’re not as emotional as most cancers and are very strong willed and independent.

Cancer sun/Scorpio moon: okay. So..this is will Ferrell and I’m in love with him???? But loool yeah these folks are sooooooooo mushy and sweet and huge ol softies! Cancer seems to water down the affect of Scorpio here and can actually make these guys a lot more forthcoming about their emotions and a lot more open about what their private moon in Scorpio is feeling! They naturally seem to be able to be perceptive and idk like they are super open about their feelings for the most part like their still intense moon in scorpios and what not but they don’t really hide what their feeling.

Cancer sun/Capricorn moon: in my experience they’re soooooooooooooo complex. They have very grounded and serious emotions and I feel in awe when I’m in their space. They are so so wise and very emotionally aware and mature and rarely will you see them lose their head. They’re the types to vanish and go quiet though rather then let you know outright what’s up. I find them super attractive and forth coming.

Leo sun/Capricorn moon: HOTTTIES but that being said they can be ruthless. Very ambitious and money minded and tend to be less about gratification then most Leo’s and have a very dominate and powerful personality. They can be so blunt and so straightforward(ex: Arnold a.k.a terminator) but I love how strong they are and how they always put their best into all they do and don’t make excuses when they fail.

Virgo sun/Aquarius moon: super cute! They tend to be a bit more cooler in temperament and seem a bit hard to reach due to the doubled up analytical and non emotional tendencies of both these signs. But it also makes them super super sensitive and teddy bears underneath! I love how they can create warmth and comfort wherever they are and they are very smart and socially adapt individuals! They give of a Scorpio give as well :0

Virgo sun/cancer moon: OKAY LIKE MY BFFFFFFFFFFFF has this and they are so soooooo sweet and caring and endearing! This brings out the best qualities of Virgo and they tend to be super chill and go with the flow types. They can be super career minded and tend to be drawn to more affectionate and emotionally tempered people from what I’ve seen. They are so warm and loving albeit in a quiet way and love comfort! I get libra vibes from this combo.

Virgo sun/Leo moon: these guys are intense! They have strong ass personalities and normally are more outspoken then most Virgo suns. I like how passionate and real they can be! They have a “crowd” vs “loner” vibe and tend to fluctuate between “I am my pack” to “I am on my own” but overall I love them! I high key get Sagittarius vibes from this combo.

Libra sun/Scorpio moon: S E X Y like super hot.incredibly dangerous and will probably ruin your life in a very twilight like way. They come across as aloof from my experience and hide the more intense side of their personality. They are very secretive and hate people prying into their personal life. Super philosophical and morally based people and they don’t easily stress or take disrespect or antagonism to heart and easily move on from things. But at the same time SHIT HITS THEM DEEP. I love em their Cinnabons. I get cap vibes from this combo.

Scorpio sun/Aquarius moon: bby has this. And lemme say this is quite the fucking dynamic. They’re very private and tend to fluctuate between icy and lustful. They have a chameleon like personality and can vibe or blend in anywhere! They have this passion about them boiling underneath their easy going pravada. They tend to be super huge sweethearts and have very easily aroused emotions. They super quirky and childlike but theirs a danger to emotional confusion because Scorpio and Aquarius are night and day. Overall love them.

Scorpio sun/ gemini moon: sooo cute and very multifaceted! They wear a lot of faces these guys and are the “intellectuals” they tend to be super scattered and childlike and Scorpio adds on to this making them easily thrown of track by new and better interest that catch their attention! They can have self esteem issues laying deep down from what I’ve seen.. they’re super skilled and talented though and have a strange yet fascinating mindset on the world and how it works.

Scorpio sun/Virgo moon: ONE WORD: P R I V A T E. these guys don’t like people in their personal space and usually take a while if at all to let you in their bubble. Their also a lot more critical of their flaws and others and tend to hold them self up to a specific criteria. I honestly say these are the papas and mamas! They are so tender and motherly to those they care about and can be babies if they feel like they’re being ignored! They want to be acknowledged even if they prefer to stay out of the limelight! I adore them they give me earthy Leo vibes.

Scorpio sun/Capricorn moon: this is Jon snow. And lemme just say this is so so sooooo fun! They actually have a very easy and warm presence and you don’t really ever feel the Capricorn energy in them but you know it’s there! They can be a bit standoffish and distanced but all the while they move in a aged way. Their movements are timeless and they have a very grandma and grandpa energy about them! They’re not as impulsive or possessive minded as most Scorpio suns and tend to actually emphasis on freedom and responsibility. They live life like loners and tend to see life as a journey and yes have I said I love this? They give me Taurus•Sagittarius vibes.

Sagittarius sun/Scorpio moon: THESE GUYS AND GALS ARE SOOO FREAKING HOT. Let me just say that I am enamored by this fucking combo. Like they really project that scorpion intensity and it’s heavy man! Their super independent and prefer to live life by their own accord. They’re not as open and friendly as most Sagittarius and usually have to get I know you before there freedom loving nature comes out! They can be a bit prissy and straightforward and have a bluntness about their energy. But man they are so magnetic! They have a playfully intimate nature and are so so soooo deep! If anything they give off a very high octave Scorpio energy.

Sagittarius sun/Capricorn moon: like honestly super grounded guys and gals! Not super spontaneous but they do have a reliable and sturdy nature that I love about them! They have this old time 80s flat/disco vibe about them. And if I could relate their vibe to anything particular it would be deux machina the movie. They are super chill and actually have such a calming affect. I love em!

Capricorn sun/Aquarius moon: these guys are so interesting like they always have like 11 different hobbies and tend to be fairly private and passive about them. They’re not super talkative types and usually stay to themselves but once you get them going? Their chatterboxes! They are also a bit odd and far out when it comes to concepts wise and my Venus in Gemini loves that aha!

Pisces sun/gemini moon: really genuinely sweet hearted people! They tend to always have a caring and loving atmosphere about them and you don’t really notice the airness in their nature honestly they come across as very wise and old and tend to have an emotional maturity about them that’s hard to miss! Their super dedicated and reliable and tend to never let life get them down! But honestly soooo sweet and have such a cancer like energy about them man!

Pisces sun/Aries moon: rih rih!! And yes honestly they are so confident and headstrong and aren’t as emotional as most Pisces suns from what I’ve noticed! They don’t really come across as sympathetic and ones I’ve met usually nurture others by supporting them and giving them tough love! Not to say they don’t cry or give hugs cause they do! They just aren’t super caught up in the emotional specter of life as they are more into the more impulsive and in the moment types. I get hella Aries vibes from this

Last but not least honorable mentions(ones I forgot and felt like I should’ve mentioned)Cancer sun/Aries moon(my placement) Taurus sun/Capricorn moon(sooooo hot) Pisces sun/Aquarius moon(😻😻)

[justtextmeoppa]

Seven big and annoying brothers - Chapter 1

Sooooo, a lot of people (God blesses you guys, really) asked for a second part or making a mini serie after this scenario , so I started to write and I think it’ll be a mini serie! I hope you guys will enjoy it because I really love writing this kind of stuff. Kisses, M. ♥ P.S. “Jongin” is Kim Jongin from Exo but only for what concerns his physical features.

Words count: 2,9k+

Pairing: Bts x Reader 

Genre: Humor / Fluff / Romance in the future (not with BTS)

Gif isn’t mine, credits to the owner! ♥

Seokjin had told the truth.  

High school was literally your new personal hell. The fact that you were a year younger than your classmates didn't help, some looked at you as if you were a freak, others instead respected the limits; smiling you with kindness.  

The truth was, you missed your old life. Your old school, your classmates. You were even missing the moments spent with Heechul, your best friend while stealing your lunch that your mother prepared with love every single morning. Yet it was for your parents that you were bearing that torture. You liked to study, but you wanted to do everything at the right times.  

So to avoid getting sucked by the weight that was formed in your chest every single morning in front of the school gates, you were enrolled in any type of school club. Chess, theatre, swimming, photography; All while keeping your mind and your body busy to the point that you don't wander with thoughts.  

The first three had been a total disaster.  

Chess was boring; as much as you were a clever little girl you were bored to death every time your gaze was resting on the black and white pieces placed diligently on the chess board.  

You and theatre couldn't get along; this bad habit of laughing at cheesy lines had bought one of your sunbae to chase you out of the classroom.  

Swimming; In short, you forgot that you were struggling to stay afloat for five seconds so it was practically impossible to think of being in the water hours and hours to practice.  

The only thing; In spite of your initial expectations, that had aroused a mad love had been photography. Yoongi's blame; you had to admit the day you marked your name to ask to be admitted to the club. You still remember how during a day of peace and quiet you and one of the older members of the group had spent the afternoon to visit the city (he's perfectly incognito) to find special places to photograph.  

Perhaps it had been the light in his gaze when he squeezed the camera and focused on his lens. It was the same one you saw every time when he was composing music or was on stage. The light that born when you love what you're doing.  

And oddly enough, you were also as good as a photographer. The club president, a Sunbae of your last year, had complimented you after the first project saying that there was talent in you. Crude, to work on, but it was there.  

It was in the classroom reserved for the club that the episode changed everything you thought you knew.  

You were almost 15 years old, you were in the middle of adolescence but fortunately, you were never preyed by the hormonal changes characteristic of those years.  

Not until that day.  

It was called Park Jongin and had the sweetest smile you had ever seen; Even sweeter and more perfect than that of Jimin.  

He was a year older than you and grasp your hand by presenting himself; assuring you that he would take care of you because you were a freshman. The way he caressed your name when he pronounced it was something that provoked a strange sensation in your stomach; strange as much as unknown.  

The thought of the moment was in his eyes; surrounded by long eyelashes, wider than normal and with a light hazelnut to color the irises.  

A little plop on the chair next to yours made it present that the owner of those eyes was next to you and automatically your body will stiffen, the air will be blocked in your lungs and your hands began to tremble so much that the film between them mess up a little.  

"Y/N, do you want to go get an ice cream? We were only the two of us; I'm bored! "  

' What? WHY ME? OH, MY GOD... What should I do? Why are you asking me? I have to lie, I can't be alone with him. ' Your brain thought frantically, raising your gaze and smiling him embarrassed.  

"Hey, are you okay?" Why are you red in your face? Do you have a fever?? "  

You wide open your eyes when he stroked your forehead with the back of his hand, mumbling something subheading and provoking violent electric discharges along your arms. Your hands would have wanted so much to touch his forearm; right in front of your eyes. It was tense, the muscles were tense because of the position and the veins in relief throbbed rhythmically. It was a perfect forearm for a perfect guy.  

"N-No.. Just that.. I'm hot, that's all. "  

"Then let's go get the ice cream, so you'll refresh!"  

"N-No.. I can't, I'm sorry sunbae, " You whispered, biting the tip of your tongue, and with frenzy, you picked up your things and ran out of the classroom under the upset look of Jongin.  

Your breath came out in small puffs of steam, the temperature low despite the fall had started a few days. Your footsteps were fast; quickly you walked out of the school area and in an automatic, you headed to the only place where you could have found some answers.  

You were even willing to undergo to Seokjin's reproaches, Hoseok's panic and a terrifying gaze of Yoongi in learning that you, for the first time in 15 years, were finally experiencing what marked the adolescence of anyone.  

Your first crush.  

The dorm appeared quiet from the outside but you remembered that they didn't have schedules scheduled for that day, so you rang the doorbell in three sequences so let them understand that it was you.  

Immediately the door opened revealing Jimin's slightly irregular smile, who pulling you for the wrist let you in. The warmth of the apartment spread to your limbs, caressing the muscles slightly tense because of the cold that had struck you up to that moment.  

Jimin took off your scarf; he took your bag and walked away heading to the living room while you were pulling out your shoes and slipping your slippers. Yes, they kept a pair of extra slippers for the moments you decided to hide in the dorm instead of your home.  

"Guys, there's Y/N," announced the now blonde-haired boy as you appeared in the salon and everyone greeted you enthusiastically. You immediately took place next to Taehyung, resting your head against his shoulder and letting yourself escape a grunt of disappointment that all seven seemed to grasp to perfection.  

"What's going on?" Seokjin asked, just squinting his eyes to better observe your face.  

You knew you were tired; physically your dark circles and the pulled skin were proof of it, but you would have preferred that he wouldn't notice it because you knew he would be the most concerned of all.  

"Nothing, school.. That's all, " you reassure him, in spite of your voice trembled. Taehyung's arm lifted and quickly shrugged your shoulders, letting your face glide more towards his chest. With his fingertips, he began to caress the soft fabric of your shirt against your shoulder and that little gesture began to erase the edginess that you had accumulated in the last hours; mainly because of Jongin.  

"Namjoon Hyung, why do you not help her? In short, you're the smartest among us! "  

Jimin proposed while Namjoon nodded, smiling you with more sweetness than usual. They were all too strange; No joke, no gaps, nothing. Like they're hiding something.  

"Yoongi, what are you guys hiding?"  

All seven froze instantly and you knew you asked the right person. Yoongi hated lying and had never seen the reason to do so; So he just sighed and began to explain to you that soon they would be leaving for the final stages of their "Wings Tour" and didn't know how long they could spend with you in those days.  

It was no surprise; you knew about their schedules, you even remarked it with Taehyung the night he called you. But being put before the concrete fact caused you to be sad, but you hid behind a smile that didn't reach your eyes.  

"And then you make all the sweets and gorgeous because you're leaving? C'mon! No one dies, then there are phone calls. You can make the protective brothers even from afar. "  

Taehyung squeezed the grip on your shoulders with more force, while the others murmured something and started-finally-to behave as usual. Some beat flew into the air, Seokjin scolded you because he knew that starting high school before the time was wrong, Namjoon offered to help you with your homework for those few days that remained before their departure.  

The thought of Jongin was put in a corner of your mind, ignorable even if that feeling of warmth that emerged every time his name or face resonated in your mind kept pinching in your chest.  

The rest of the afternoon passed too fast and by now it was ten o'clock in the evening when, reluctantly, you got up from your little and warm space on the couch announcing it was late.  

Hoseok stood up with you and nothing earned your attempts to persuade him. He wanted to walk you at home because he didn't like the thought of you on the streets, alone when it was dark.  

You greeted everyone with a smile and a wave of your hand, putting your shoes on and the jacket and then go out together with the rapper who was covered with a hat and a face mask to camouflage his identity. That's why you tried to stop him because you didn't want someone to recognize him and start running to escape the catastrophic event.  

For the first few minutes you walked quietly next to each other; you reassured by his presence more than you wanted to admit.  

"Hoseok oppa?"  

He directed his gaze to you, continuing to walk but you could notice from behind the mask that his lips were stretched in one of his smiles; the ones that every time warmth your heart when it was too heavy.  

"How.. How did you figure out when someone liked you? I mean, you got some crush when you were my age, right..? And, of course, everyone had a crush on you, I mean look at you. "  

Hoseok, despite the soft light that only the street lamps threw on you, noticed an escalation of rose and then red on your cheeks. He had a sister but he had never dealt with that kind of speech with her because he was too embarrassed to do so.  

He was now 23 years old; he was discreetly more mature than his adolescence self and he could -at least hoped - to face that speech with you. Despite in his eyes you were still too young for that.  

"Let's say that their attitudes were quite eloquent."  

"Like??" You inquired anxiously, slipping your hands into the pockets of your jacket and you unwittingly moved closer to his body looking for warmth. He chuckled in seeing how your cheeks became increasingly red with the beating of the seconds and he knew not by the pungent air of the night, so he drew you to himself and towered upon you because, in fact, he was higher than you, surrounding your shoulders in the same way as Taehyung a few hours earlier.  

"Well; They always wanted my company.. There was one person, in particular, it was really very sweet, we danced often together because that person also had a passion for dancing. I remember that when I once fell, cause to myself a sprained ankle, she ran to me and was really scared.. Scared that I had really hurt myself. And fear is normal when you are friends; of course, but.. In her eyes, I don't know, there was something more. "  

You nodded by listening to his words, trying to think if Jongin was always looking for your company or not. You noticed that he was kind to everyone; he helped those who asked and sometimes even those who were too stubborn to ask for help. Yet that request to eat an ice cream together, now examined with more calm, it seemed strange to you. He had never surpassed the boundaries of "sunbae-hoobae", he had never spoken you out of the context of photography.  

"And then she confessed to me and we had dated for a while until I became a trainee."  

The rest of his speech hadn't been transposed by your ears, but the sense of nostalgia you perceived in his voice forced you to lift your gaze towards him.  

Who knows how many things all seven had made slip through their fingers while pursuing their dreams.  

"Why do you ask me?"  

"ERHM?? NO, NOTHING.. JUST CURIOSITY! "  

From underneath his mask, he bit his lower lip to not laugh because of your expression and by the way your eyes express pure horror. Hoseok had intuited that there must be a boy behind your strange interest, but this awareness also brought something else. Jealousy. Not that kind that people feel in a romantic relationship, but that kind that usually a big brother feels in seeing his own little and helpless little sister take the first steps in the dark world of the crush and perhaps -later- of love in its most intense form.  

"We're here, Little panda. Try to sleep, mh? "  

"Hoseok oppa, why are you so quiet tonight??"  

You had noticed it before, but Hoseok had been more taciturn than usual. Together with Taehyung were the mood makers of the dorm, but that night there was something turned off in him. And you also perceived it from the way he had quietly told that episode of the past.  

"You must remember that not because I always act as if I were happy; I really am. I'm a human being too, " he whispered, lowering the mask and resting his lips against your forehead; "Now go inside, it's cold and you must make a good night's sleep."  

You nodded, quickly hugging his waist for a few moments and then moving away and approaching the door of your house.  

He waved his hand and you felt the need to express your thoughts aloud.  

"Oppa?"  

"Mh?"  

"I know I'm young but.. When you're sad, I can be your little bubble of joy if you want, " the sincerity of your words seemed to strike him because you noticed that his smile under the mask seemed to widen to sizes that you had never seen. He covered those few steps and hugged you, making you shield from the cold temperature that the night was carrying.  

"If that boy makes you suffer, just tell me, okay?"  

Your eyes were wide open and you started to gasping looking for air, forcefully pushing your hands against his chest and hearing him giggling as his usual do.  

"OPPA!"  

"Sh, you may be my little bubble of joy, but I still remain your Oppa. And your Oppa has to protect you from everything, " he said by winking and loosening the hug, leaving you completely astonished as he began to run in the direction of which you had just arrived.  

How did he understand that your strange attempts to understand how to recognize signs in people who have a crush was a mystery; so signing you entered the house to be greeted by the scream of your mother who said that a classmate of yours had passed in the afternoon to leave you a few things that you had left in school.  

You thank her, after explaining where you were all the time, going to your room.  

The fatigue began to guide your movements, which became slower until you noticed on the desk one of your books with a small green it post stuck on.  

Your curiosity had the best of you, despite the desire for a shower and your hot blankets were huge, so you approached the desk and took the little sticker in your hands.  

' I had to ask for your address to the administrative office, I hope you don't mind. I hope someday you will accept to eat an ice cream together. -J. '  

Your heart began to run so that you felt him press convulsively against your rib cage. The idea that Jongin came into your house, in your room just to be able to give you a book, make you melt slowly. Your cheeks reignited, the heat spread with speed and you cupped both hands on them trying to contain the excess of giggles that began to grow in your chest.  

You immediately took your phone from the bag and made a photo to the sticker, forwarding then to the one person who -you hoped was still the only one - was aware of your little secret.  

After not even ten seconds came to his answer, while with shaking hands you pressed the screen to open the message.  

' I can say, despite my little experience, that this guy most likely or is kind to the point of getting on the road to bring you the book Or.. Your crush is reciprocated. Kekeke'  

Hoseok and his final laugh had the best on your nerves and throwing yourself on the bed you started rolling into the mattress, struck by a strange madness that you had never experienced.  

"Okay.. Maybe I should ask Seokjin Oppa tomorrow, I'm sure he'll definitely have more advice than Hoseok. I get it. "  

And with that conviction, you ignored the shower and fell asleep, fully clothed and with the Jongin's sticker still secure in your left hand.

[jess-rewatches-prodigalson]

Head Case (S2, E6)

My time-stamped thoughts for this episode. As always I reference Malcolm’s mental health. A lot. So if that’s going to be a trigger for you, don’t keep reading.

SPOILERS AHEAD:

0:03 - This clip of Malcolm in the car is from the pilot episode. I was so betrayed by this clip. Full disclosure - I’ve always had a thing for Malcolm’s jacket from the pilot episode. I just love it and I think Tom Payne looks cute in it. BUT - I was betrayed because Malcolm isn’t wearing my favourite jacket in the next scene (I was disappointed but not surprised). Rant about wardrobe over. 

0:20 - This is weird to me. In the clip right before this, when Malcolm was coming to Claremont (wearing the awesome jacket) - Malcolm is clearly in emotional distress. He’s not in a good mood. BUT right here, when Malcolm is chatting with Mr. David he seems like he’s in a good mood. Not one of his manic good moods - just a regular good one.

0:32 - Anyone else notice how visibly uncomfortable Jessica AND Malcolm are? This whole Ainsley situation is literally going to destroy them both. :(

0:34 - sooooo Mr. David knows by now right? He has to? ALSO when the European FBI guy shows up in a few episodes this is going to be bad for Malcolm and Jessica right? The FBI guy will probs talk to Mr. David who will be like - oh yeah, they’ve had more ‘family meetings’ in the past 6 months than in the past 20 years. 

1:22 - Sooooo this whole family honestly thinks Ainsley’s going to become a serial killer. From the tidbits of her childhood that we’ve seen, the way she treated Malcolm in Q&A, and generally how she acts when she wants to get a story - I’m not surprised. Read my thoughts on older episodes (1x7, 1x20, 2x5), I’ve always thought Ainsley was a sociopath or psychopath. The girl doesn’t show a lot of moral backbone or sympathy for anyone. 

1:33 - Wait. Does this montage of Malcolm’s erratic behaviour mean that Malcolm killed someone as a kid? And doesn’t know it? Or is this just a reference to the whole ‘girl in the box’ trauma arc from last season?

1:44 - “I wish I didn’t know that you were a killer.” Anyone else get major flashbacks to the movie Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause? “I wish I had never become Santa at all” then we get an AU for 40 mins? Just me? Cool - excuse my bad taste in Christmas movies. 

1:50 - hahaha Martin is so bitter.

2:25 - You know, as much as I love to hate Martin - he has a point. Malcolm loved his Dad (still does whether he wants to admit it or not) in 98′ - why is Malcolm chill with Ainsley killing but not Martin? Is it because with Martin, he found a poor girl tortured in a box but with Ainsley he saw her kill a man that was threatening their family? Or was it because Martin tried to kill Malcolm but Ainsley hasn’t (yet?) **honestly - that would be such an interesting episode - if Ainsley tries to kill Malcolm**

2:33 - THANK YOU. Someone finally thanks Malcolm for trying to protect Ainsley (and in extension Jessica) from the emotional trauma he’s been dealing with since the age of 10. EVEN THOUGH PROTECTING THEM IS MAKING HIS MENTAL STATE WORSE. Seriously - Malcolm is going to snap soon I honestly won’t be surprised if we get some suicidal ideation from him this season (especially if things don’t improve). Look at those big sad puppy dog eyes when Jess thanks him.

2:38 - hahahaha that side-eyed glare directed at Martin. 

2:53 - I know Jessica had good intentions here - she’s trying to protect both of her children but honestly, this whole interaction was probably super upsetting for Malcolm. Think about it - BOTH of his parents haven’t tried to have a serious discussion with him at the same time since he was at 10 years old or younger. This interaction is probably bringing up some memories for Malcolm and making him grieve for the childhood he lost all over again. 

3:06 - “You’re gross.” followed by a very regal wave at Mr. David. YES. Queen Jessica. <3

3:25 - Malcolm startling JT is pretty freaking cute. Look at how JT’s expression immediately changes from startled to concerned. I don’t blame him. Malcolm gives off major manic energy in this scene. The visit with the parents did not leave him in a good place. Also - Malcolm straight up admitted that he’s had a ‘rough morning’ this boy almost never tells the truth when he’s struggling. He’s fine. He’s always fine. 

3:30 - “Rough month.” IS THIS IT? IS THIS ALL I’M GOING TO GET? JT had a baby THREE EPISODES AGO. ‘rough month’ is a reference to the fact that he’s a new dad and he’s struggling with lack of sleep, leaving Tally alone with the baby while he’s a work, being a good husband, adjusting to dad life, ect. RIGHT?!? We’ve literally had no mention of the baby since 2x3 and I’m losing my mind. I just want someone to say, “Hey JT, how’s the baby?” that’s it. I want 5 seconds of dialogue. Just an acknowledgment that the child exists. 

3:54 - “Sooo bring me up to speed.” OMG. That smile is both extremely manic and completely adorable. Seriously - why is no one on the team more concerned about Malcolm during this episode? AND WHERE THE EFF IS EDRISA IN THIS SCENE?!? We’ve been robbed. 

4:21 - “What? I liked math class.” OMG. JT is a closet math nerd. You can’t take this headcanon away from me. 

4:24 - hahahaha look at Malcolm absorbing the new information about JT. He’s like.....yes. I will keep that information for later. Very good. Will pry further. 

5:04 - I love Dani. She’s perfect. She can see that Malcolm just checked out into his own horror of a memory. So she gently teases him to bring him back to reality. <3 This is true friendship. <3

6:00 - Was I the only one who thought it was weird that Gil asked Malcolm to help with the canvasing? Like - doesn’t Malcolm always help? Isn’t that part of what he does to build his profile?

6:12 - “KGB agent” Yes. Malcolm is still annoyed that Ainsley was so competitive about a literal murder last episode. I promise you. Ainsley’s probably still annoyed too. 

6:26 - This is why Malcolm is considering telling Ainsley the truth. He’s already losing her. May as well rip off the band-aid. She might not react as badly finding out from him as she would finding out by herself.

6:51 - “That is my vagina.” hahahahaha OMG. As a woman I must say: HOW?!?! As someone who adores JT:  hahahahahahahaha OMG. 

7:23 - “You’re getting a lot of mileage out of that tidbit”. lol. JT gently teasing Malcolm is one of my favourite things. Hands down. Especially since they’ve reached a point in their friendship where Malcolm doesn’t seem scared or offended when JT makes fun of him. They’re acting like brothers and I LOVE IT. <3

7:25 - “That’s the tip of the iceberg my man.” I have no idea why I am so amused by someone calling Malcolm “my man” but I am. 

7:36 - “The Bowery Ripper” hahaha the look that JT and Dani exchange when Malcolm starts nerding out.

8:00 - Wendell is kind of creepy. But like a weird, non-threatening creepy?

8:22 - OMG. JT let the vagina sculpture go. hahaha Look at how grossed out Dani is hahahaha she’s like, “Ugh. Men are gross.”

8:30 - This is why I love JT. He knows that that elevator is sketchy as hell. Plus it’s some (less than subtle) foreshadowing for what’s to come in this episode. 

8:41 - How did Dani find out he was at Claremont?! Does Mr. David call Gil every time Malcolm visits?!? ......this is my new headcanon. You will have to pry it from my cold dead hands. 

9:00 - This is a really cute moment between Dani and Malcolm. Regardless of whether or not you ship Brightwell - it’s really sweet to see Malcolm interacting so honestly with someone. He’s telling Dani the truth about something and she’s not making him feel bad about how messed up his family is or how weird his situation is. She just listens and teases him to make him smile. That is a good friend. IDC how you feel about Brightwell - right now - this is a GOOD FRIEND moment and Malcolm deserves more of them. 

9:10 - Annnnnnndddd this is why Brightwell shouldn’t happen (right now). Dani is still hurt that Malcolm doesn’t trust her enough to tell her everything. She still doesn’t completely trust him after what happened last season. A romantic relationship without 100% trust will fail. End of story. They’re great friends but right now they can’t be in a romantic relationship. It’ll end poorly. (Damn, I hope Brightwell is endgame though).

9:38 - hahaha Greta Swan is a perfect comedic relief for the Dani/Malcolm tension we just witnessed. This girl is a little nuts and a lot funny. 

10:00 - “Dad’s lived here his whole life” - wow. The writers really left us some big bread crumbs. We go from the scene where someone mentions a serial killer who killed someone (who was abducted from this hotel) in 1963. THEN we find a strange, gossipy woman and her grumpy father who has lived there his whole life. Coincidence? Nah. 

10:17 - SERIOUSLY?!? The Whitly home is ENORMOUS. WHY IS JESSICA LETTING AINSLEY WORK IN THE MURDER BASEMENT?!?!?! We literally just found out that Jessica has a SOLARIUM somewhere in this house. 

10:40 - “The guy definitely seems like he kills people.” Oh the irony here. 

10:55 - “Are you upset with me?” This is soft and I love it. Malcolm is being vulnerable with his little sister and it warms my heart. 

11:07 - “Insomnia sucks.” “Who knew?” Again. Irony. 

11:18 - “Anything you want to talk about?” This is precious. Malcolm loves Ainsley SO FREAKING MUCH. He has major Dad/Big brother/concerned school counsellor energy here and I’m here for it. 

11:38 - Malcolm’s soooo going to replay this conversation in his head about a million times. He’s going to blame himself for Ainsley’s murder victim of this episode. He’s going to play the “what-if” game. What if - he told her the truth here? Would she still have killed someone tonight? 

11:52 - Look at Ainsley’s face here. She seems sort of confused and comforted? Like maybe the fractions of memories that she’s admitting to having are making her believe that she killed Endicott and it scares her. Malcolm telling her otherwise is probably comforting on some level. It’s helping her convince herself that she’s done nothing wrong. 

12:25 - According to IMDB - this isn’t the episode LDP directed SO WHY IS THERE SO LITTLE GIL CONTENT IN THIS EPISODE?!?!?!

12:27 - What the hell is the puddle on the floor btw? Is it paint? Tar? Blood? I thought construction hadn’t started on the hotel yet?

14:14 - Malcolm. You. Are. A. Moron. Why go towards the creepy elevator that opened by itself? Why did you think that was a good idea?

14:29 - The Bowery Ripper is pretty strong for an old guy. I mean, Malcolm isn’t that big and he was caught off guard but still.

14:38 - I wanted this scene to be reality SO SO BADLY. I don’t even care about the Brightwell interaction in this scene. Malcolm is on a hospital bed. With an ice pack. I could’ve watched 45 minutes of “Malcolm in the hospital” content. The fact that this boy didn’t spend longer than a 30 second scene in the hospital is a CRIME. Why does Fedak hate giving us the whump aftercare?!? WHY?!?! Doesn’t he know like half the fandom LIVES FOR IT?!?

14:40 - You know how I knew this was the start of Malcolm’s AU dream? 2 reasons: 1) Dani has her hand on the ice pack on Malcolm’s head, even though he totally doesn’t need her help to hold the ice pack to his head. 2) GIL ISN”T HERE. .....although this episode did us dirty with the lack of Gil content (I miss Papa!Gil so much)

14:46 - There’s something about dream JT. I can’t quite put my finger on it. Real and dream JT are almost identical. But dream JT seems to be more open with Malcolm? IDK - he’s more relaxed around Malcolm? I can’t quite describe it. Did anyone else notice that there was just something a little bit different about dream JT? Not even in a bad way. Just different. 

15:15 - “Noooo she said it could’ve been worse. Not the same.” hahaha YES DANI. Good looking out. Call out this boy for neglecting his health. 

15:24 - This whole scene where Dani and Malcolm do a joint interrogation was awesome. They were talking pretty fast which I found a little distracting but JT said it best, “They were on FIRE”.  One thing I REALLY liked about the scene was the dynamic between Dani and Malcolm. Neither one of them was really taking a lead in the interrogation. They were equal partners and I think that says a lot about Malcolm’s romantic desires. He doesn’t want to dominate anyone. He doesn’t want to be taken advantage of. He just wants someone he can trust and respect. Someone who will trust and respect him. He wants a partner. An equal partner. I think that’s a really healthy desire for anyone in search of a relationship. 

16:12 - an affair? Did we know that Lyle and/or Katrina were married?!? If they weren’t married it would just be a relationship. Not an affair. 

17:01 - Is this honestly the first time Dani has called Malcolm by his first name? In 26 episodes? It must be right? Because I swear I was so shocked my heart skipped a beat (also my Brightwell heart melted but that’s a whole different thing). 

17:06 - .....so in Malcolm’s dream does he still work for Major Crimes? Is JT running the department? I need some more details here. 

17:12 - Soft!JT <3 <3 <3 How cute is it that in Malcolm’s AU dream, JT (and Dani) don’t actually change (in terms of personality). Their roles in his life just intensify. Dani becomes his significant other and JT becomes a much closer friend/brother. It’s precious. <3 <3 <3 

17:52 - Something about the fact that Jessica isn’t drinking liquor in the AU is hilarious and depressing to me. It’s funny because, well, it just tickles me. It’s depressing because Malcolm understands that Jessica drinks to dull the pain. In this AU, she isn’t in pain. She’s happy. Therefore, she doesn’t need alcohol. I don’t know about you but the fact that Malcolm’s subconscious wanted his mom to be happy so badly that she became (more or less) sober - is heartbreaking and heartwarming all at the same time. 

18:11 - “No one in this family is scared of a little blood right?” The irony here is THICK.

19:23 - The fact that Ainsley is a doctor just like Martin in Malcolm’s AU is terrifying and hilarious. This whole “I watched Ainsley kill a man” thing is really destabilizing Malcolm’s questionable mental health.

19:27 - “Please Ainsley is the talented one. I’m a distance second.” ....does this mean that Endicott isn’t the first person Ainsley has killed? Does this mean subconsciously Malcolm somehow thinks that Ainsley is a better serial killer than Martin?

19:56 - “No phones at dinner okay?” Something about the way Martin is looking at Malcolm at this moment and Martin’s tone of voice made me think - “Shit. Martin’s still a serial killer in Malcolm’s AU.” Especially since they Ainsley literally just announced to the room that he’s getting a from Claremont. 

20:06 - Yep. That’s a nightmare. From the back, Claremont!Gil probably looked like Martin circa mid-2010s for Malcolm. 

20:09 - Look idc who you ship on this show. But I will fight you if you don’t think that Malcolm being comforted after a nightmare by someone he loves is the sweetest thing ever. Look at how Dani gently rubs his arm and back. Ugh. This is the kind of safety Malcolm DESERVES. 

20:43 - Dani lying on Malcolm’s chest. <3 It just makes me so happy. Not even necessarily because it’s Dani (although I do ship Brightwell as end game) but because Malcolm’s subconscious is showing us his ideal relationship and we don’t see anything wild or questionable - we just see G-rated cuddling. And damn if that doesn’t say a lot about how much Malcolm just wants to be loved. 

20:53 - .......Can we have a full episode’s worth of footage where Malcolm is unconscious on the floor? I know I’m a basket case but it would make my whump heart so happy.....even happier if that footage was immediately followed by 40 mins of hospital care/comfort footage.

20:59 - I know that time has sort of slowed down for the purpose of plot in this episode but ngl - every time we saw the elevator approaching passed out Malcolm all I could think was “this is the slowest elevator in the world.”

21:26 - Malcolm is so so relaxed and comfortable in this scene. I want him to be this happy forever. 

22:07 - “You deserve all of it.” Malcolm subconsciously just wants permission to be happy. He doesn’t think he deserves to be happy (especially after Endicott). That little revelation broke my heart. Also the Brightwell kiss was adorable. Dani takes control because, Malcolm wants to feel wanted and this is how his subconscious is manifesting that desire. I will argue that Malcolm doesn’t necessarily want a relationship where his partner takes charge or dominates him. He made coffee of both of them. They’re living in his apartment. They’re having calm, mature, adult conversations. They are both equal partners in his dream relationship. 

22:45 - Dani isn’t scared of Malcolm when his hand starts shaking. She isn’t judging him. She’s just concerned. <3

22:47 - “Existential ennui”? Soooo much french in this episode. Damn. “Jamais vu”, “Quelle suprise”. Now “ennui”. 

23:35 - “I don’t fit your profile.” ....am I expected to believe that Malcolm didn’t realize this was a dream until this moment? Dani calling him “Malcolm Whitly” in the last scene wasn’t a red flag? Or the fact that Ainsley is a doctor. Or that Martin isn’t in Claremont? Or that Jessica isn’t drinking booze by the bucket? I mean, I know he has a head injury but these are big red flags. 

24:15 - Sooooo is Wendell dead irl? Because this is technically a dream. 

25:02 - “I thought we were looking for an inexperienced psychopath. A first time killer.”......this is him projecting about Ainsley right? Am I overthinking this? And now he says, “I was wrong”. Is that supposed to suggest that Malcolm thinks Ainsley has killed someone before Endicott?

25:07 - “The blows are confident. They were having fun.”.....couldn’t the same be said about how Ainsley stabbed Endicott? They were definitely confident stabs (plus a confident throat slitting). 

25:14 - “We’re looking for a serial killer.” Istg the writers are hinting that Ainsley is a serial killer (or will become one soon).

25:27 - Mr. David appears in the AU but Edrisa doesn’t. We were ROBBED.

26:07 - I’m not the only one who thinks that beard makes Gil look like a werewolf right?

26:33 - Claremont!Gil is creepy. LDP’s performance here is really really good. Also - I hate it. Because serial killer Gil is just not my Gil and it upsets me to see Gil chained to a wall. 

26:56 - Sooooo in the AU “The Surgeon” is still at large right? ....you’d think Malcolm would be trying to solve that case with Dani and JT. You know, an active prolific serial killer in New York?

27:34 - The way that Martin, Gil, and Malcolm interact in this scene is really interesting to me. In a lot of ways, this isn’t an AU. Think about it. 

In the dream: Gil is frantically trying to convince Malcolm that Martin is a serial killer. In a way, Gil is trying to protect Malcolm from Martin.

In reality: Gil just shoots Malcolm disapproving looks when he mentions seeing Martin. Gil desperately tries to protect Malcolm from Martin.

In the dream: Martin is trying to convince Malcolm that Gil is a monster. He’s trying to convince Malcolm that he’s a Good father. That he would never hurt Malcolm. That he loves Malcolm. 

In reality - Martin is the same. 

The only main difference between AU!Martin, AU!Gil, and their real counterparts is their temperaments. AU!Martin has Gil’s calm, comforting, and rational temperament while AU!Gil has Martin’s angry, manic, and controlling temperament.

What is the same between the AU characters and their real counterparts? 

Martin is still a manipulative killer.

Gil still shoots Malcolm looks of concern (27:45). 

Gil and Martin still hate each other. 

28:30 - Even dream Martin tries to gaslight Malcolm. 

28:56 - “You can always count on Dad.” ....is this how Malcolm really feels about Martin subconsciously? It kind of makes sense? Who did Malcolm turn to when Ainsley did the unthinkable? Not Gil or Jessica. Malcolm said it in 1x12 - (I’m paraphrasing) “The child in me thought he cared. Loved me even.” I think there’s still a part of Malcolm that believes that. Or at least a part of Malcolm that desperately wants to believe that. 

29:17 - “I’ve never been to a crime scene before.” That’s because you create the crime scene, Martin. In all versions of reality. 

29:20 - annnnnnd AU Martin shares regular Martin’s weird fascination with Dani. 

31:00 - JT being buddy-buddy with Martin is hands down the most horrifying part of the AU. 

31:10 - “I think he’s having a psychotic break.” ......I want this to be foreshadowing so so so badly. I think it would be so interesting to see how the team, Jessica, Ainsley, and even Martin deal with Malcolm just having a total breakdown. Maybe not a full psychotic break. Maybe a nervous breakdown? Or he succumbs to his suicidal ideation? Probably a little too dark for network TV though.

31:34 - “I’m very protective of her and her boots.” Does Malcolm see himself as the Bowery Ripper, trying to protect Ainsley as opposed to his daughter? Or is the Bowery Ripper supposed to be a metaphor for Martin protecting Ainsley? Is Malcolm going to take the fall for Ainsley and all her murders?!? 

32:45 - “Why did you kill again? After all these years.” istg this is hinting that Ainsley killed someone as a kid and Martin knows about it.

33:00 - “I can’t let my daughter know what I was.” .....is the Bowery Ripper supposed to be Ainsley? Is Ainsley killing people to try and protect Malcolm? Ugh. I’m totally overthinking this.

33:02 - Even in his dream, Malcolm can’t bring himself to kill his father. Wether that is by cutting off contact with Martin irl or letting the Bowery Ripper kill him in the AU.

33:07 - Actually though - why doesn’t Malcolm carry a gun IRL? We know he’s trained to use one. We saw him use one in the pilot on a case for the FBI. Is there some sort of NYPD rule about consultants carrying weapons? Is it a rule that Gil has imposed on Malcolm? Is it a rule that Malcolm has imposed on himself? A mixture? I want to know. 

33:38 - OMG. Is Malcolm going to try and kill Ainsley?!?! What a twist that would be. AU Malcolm just killed a killer. He doesn’t seem to feel bad about it and he agrees with Martin that “everything is okay now”. 

33:55 - This hug deeply moved me. Malcolm is fully aware that this hug isn’t real but he looks so content to be hugged by his father. Malcolm is finally getting a proper hug. <3 It honestly makes me wonder what Malcolm would do IRL for his father’s approval though. He’s clearly sooo desperate for Martin to love him. Who knows what Martin will be able to convince Malcolm to do in this season? Malcolm’s not all that mentally stable right now and he’s really vulnerable emotionally. I’m worried.

34:26 - “Not that it’s a competition.” ....yep. Ainsley wants to be better than Malcolm even in Malcolm’s own subconscious. 

35:00 - Heart. Breaking. Watching Ainsley, Martin, and Jessica tell Malcolm how good they think Dani is for him breaks my heart. Look at how happy Malcolm looks. Look at how desperately Malcolm wants this to be real. Ugh. My heart is shattered. 

35:20 - “You’re the best, big brother.” Even Malcolm’s subconsious knows that he’s an excellent big brother. Seriously, I love my younger brother but I don’t think I could ever cover up a murder for him. Never mind dispose of the body. Maybe I would? IDK the situation has never come up (thankfully).

35:25 - .....aaannnnnndd we’re back to the Girl in the Box.

35:58 - “Why would you ever want to leave?” “Because it’s all a lie.” Isn’t Malcolm living a lie IRL too? He’s pretending that Ainsley is a law-abiding citizen. He’s pretending that he isn’t an accomplice in a murder. He’s living in constant fear because of his secrets. They’re going to destroy him. This is why I think a suicide attempt is a possibility for this season. This trauma is a lot bigger (in some ways) than last season’s. Plus - Malcolm has a lot of pre-existing trauma. This could be the metaphoric straw that breaks the camel’s back.  

36:45 - “Even in my wildest dream. I’m still a detective. I need to seek the truth. No matter how painful.” That’s it. That’s Malcolm’s character in a nutshell. “Traumatized boy who intentionally puts himself through more trauma for the sake of seeking the truth.”

37:01 - “You’re right. I need to work on that.”.......if Malcolm tells Gil and/or the team about Ainsley next episode I will lose my mind. 

 37:15 - TOM PAYNE. YOU ABSOLUTE TREASURE. THIS IS SUCH A GREAT PERFORMANCE. THOSE UNSHED TEARS. THAT DESPERATE ANGER. THAT HOPELESSNESS AND DESPAIR.  <3 <3 <3 <3 

38:21 - Look, I’m a mechanical engineering student (not an expert) but if that was a wooden stick like I think it is - that would’ve NEVER stopped an elevator (at least, not long enough for Malcolm to escape). But I’ll overlook it for whump. Because Malcolm has a head wound and I’m loving it. 

38:33 - I’ve rewatched this clip of Malcolm with a bloody face meeting JT and Dani about 50 times (wish I was exaggerating that number). There is something so gorgeous about this scene. I mean - the fact that Malcolm is clearly in physical and emotional pain is enough to make my whump heart sing but it’s more than that. Listen to the genuine concern in JT’s voice when he says, “You okay?”. Look at Dani’s concerned face. Listen to how soft and desperate Malcolm’s voice is when he says, “When was the last time I talked to you?” Look at how concerned and confused JT and Dani are when Malcolm says, “I know who the killer is.” They’re not scared of Malcolm. They’re scared for Malcolm. Malcolm just showed up covered in blood, he can’t walk straight, he’s clearly confused, and now he’s claiming that he’s solved the case. They’re worried about him and they have every right to be. Listen to how broken Malcolm sounds when he says, “Long story.” <3 <3 <3 I’m in love with this scene. 

39:19 - “Are you sure about this?” “I have no idea.” This. Is. Important. JT and Dani have every reason to believe that this old man isn’t a killer but Malcolm’s head injury is making him confused. BUT they choose to trust Malcolm (or at the very least, humour him). They trust him enough to take a risk on him and I think that’s beautiful. I think that’s exactly what Malcolm needed after his nightmare of an AU dream. He needed to know that they care about him IRL. I hope he notices their behaviour despite the head injury. 

39:35 - Malcolm puts the skull down with his ungloved hand. I’m blaming the head injury. 

39:55 - Look this was a really moving scene. The parallel of Malcolm arresting a serial killer in front of the serial killer’s child and Martin being arrested in front of Malcolm is haunting. HOWEVER, when that old man stood up from the wheelchair my stupid brain went “THAT ASSHOLE NEVER EVEN NEEDED THE WHEELCHAIR?!?”.....even though he literally wasn’t in a wheelchair in Malcolm’s dream. 

40:40 - WE WERE ROBBED. I want to see the scene where Malcolm explains his dream to the team. I want to see GIL. WHERE THE EFF IS GIL IN THIS EPISODE?!?! FURTHERMORE - I WANT THE IRL VERSION OF “MALCOLM GOES TO THE HOSPITAL FOR A HEAD INJURY” SCENE. WTF FEDAK. GIVE ME THE AFTERCARE. 

40:47 - “That man will be buried in a turtleneck.” hahahahahaha OMG. Iconic. 

41:27 - “Goodnight Malcolm.” <3 <3 <3 She called him Malcolm IRL. Excuse me while I go and stoke my slow burn Brightwell fire. 

41:36 - “Goodnight.” This is the face of a man who just accepted the fact that he will never be happy. Malcolm honestly doesn’t think he deserves to be in a relationship. Especially with someone as beautiful, kind, and talented as Dani.

41:40 - THAT HAT. Was this really in Season 1?!?! I don’t remember it? But holy hell - I want to see Malcolm wear it. Like now. It’s going to make me laugh. I can feel it. 

41:53 - Immediately you can hear that something is wrong in Ainsley’s voice. She sounds distracted, dissociated, and scared. 

42:14 - Give. Tom. Payne. An. Emmy. Listen to his voice breaking here. He’s so close to tears and it’s genuinely beautiful. Such an astounding performance. 

42:51 - I honestly think Ainsley is shaking her head because she realizes that she made a mistake. She came to Malcolm because she thought he killed Endicott. She thought that he’d be able to understand. That he’d be able to help her because he had committed the same crime she just committed. She was wrong. He can help her - but legally, he really shouldn’t.

43:08 - Look. A new scene for Malcolm’s night terrors. 

43:15 - Yep. This is going to drive Malcolm into a mental breakdown. This is bad. 

43:20 - There’s a part of me that wants Malcolm to tattle on Ainsley. Just so he doesn’t have to keep the secret any longer. The secret is killing him. Telling won’t make the situation any better though. Gil and the team will react horribly and it’ll make Malcolm feel like garbage. Plus I can only imagine how the press would scrutinize the Whitly’s again. It won’t be good any way you slice it. 

I have a love/hate relationship with this episode. On one hand - it’s the cannon AU episode that every fanfiction lover dreams of. It’s also a really compelling episode complete with some excellent acting and great insight into Malcolm’s psyche. HOWEVER: 1) not enough Gil, 2) WHERE IS MY WHUMP AFTERCARE?, and 3) I wanted to see Malcolm at the base of that elevator for longer. The whump wasn’t prolonged enough for my sick soul. 

[enthusiasticclouds-sally]

Mun Questionnaire!!!! 

PERSONAL DETAILS

Nicknames? Kiki, Ki, Little One, my co-workers mainly call me little one and it’s to the point where they legit have forgotten my actual name

Where do you live? Waterbury, Connecticuttt but I was born in Manhattan, NYC didn’t move to CT till I was ten

What’s your age? Freaking oldd: 25

Hair color? Right now it’s dark brown with like dirty blonde highlights, probably going to dye it all straight black pretty soon. I constantly change between the two tbh

Eye color? Dark Brown

Height? Jusssstttttt make it to exactly five feet

Date of Birth? August 23rd, 1992 :D

What’s your star sign? Virgo, legit on the day Virgo actually starts!! :DD

Element? Earth  

How many siblings? Two half-brothers: Carlos and Alexander from my dad’s side in where I’m the oldest and the only girl :DD and only child from my mom’s side

How many pets? Noneee, they legit all die on me so I do all animals a favor and just don’t get them as pets. They’d have a longer life without me xD

Obsessions? Skullssss, Disney, my hair because it drives me up the wall if it doesn’t look okay!! It’s bad I know, oh oh and SLEEPING!!! I adore sleeping it is my favorite hobby I can sleep my entire day away and be at bliss

Bad habits? Bite the nails, talk too fast, buying books that I never end up reading, buying clothes that still have their tags on it, procrastinationnnn, picky af eater, impatient. 

Phobias? MICE!!!!!!! I can’t even look at a mouse!!!! I promise you I will stay on top of whatever the freak I climbed on for the ENTIRE day if a mouse ran by I will NOT touch the ground. I will cry, scream, and enter a panic attack!!! No no no no no no no no!!!!

ABOUT YOU

What makes you happy? SLEEPING!!!! Skulls, Disney…. should really just direct you to the obsessions question… but also my laptop, my carrr!!!! Make-up!!! Hoodies, lots and lots of hoodies drown me in hoodiesss. Sunny days but also rainy days, Pokemon haha, my job on some dayss, MY BED, the dark, all of my hundreds of Disney pins, and gosh a lot of things make me happy tbh

What really irritates you? Headaches, being nauseas, stomach aches, snoring I really can’t deal with snoring and have no rational reason as to why… and this is awful but cuddling hahaha I’m just not a cuddling person… I kinda push you off after like a minute xD Residents I really can’t fucking stand our residents. I hate them. Oh!! Can’t forget waiting!! I’m impatient it’s bad, working on it though xD

What makes you sad? Tear-jerkers haha I hate those shits. Ummmmm I’m really not much of a sad person?? I mean I can add mice in here because they make me cry, but like they scare the shit outta me sooooo

What makes you angry? Drivers. Cranky rude-ass ungrateful patients!!! Like I don’t want to have to be dealing with that shit for twelve hours. Talking about patients, my job xD. I have a love/hate relationship with my job. People tbh haha xD I sound mean I swear I’m not!!! The cold, I really do not like being cold at all!! 

What makes you scared? MICE!!!!! I don’t even want to hear about them!! Any of my patients starting to crash even my babies. It’s really not a fun feeling!! Bugs, fuck bugs.

Who is your best friend? That would be Marie I have been friends with her since the end of fifth grade!!! She is also my complete opposite and is perfect at fucking annoying me, but I love herrrr. Sara is my bff tooo!! She’s my cousin though, but that’s my little buttercup and she’s like my sister, since I have none of those <3 

Ever broken a bone? Nope.

What was the last CD you bought? Oh damn an actual one??? Uhhh I think it was an Aventura one… their Last Project album I believe. They’re a Spanish band. Downloaded album was Pink’s new album I’m in LOVE with it.

What was the last book you read? The Only Astrology Book You’ll Ever Need by Joanna Martine Woolfolk

Who was the last person you spoke to? The mother

What was the last thing you ate? Soup :(( My stomach has been a little shit the past two days. I think I caught the stomach bug fml. 

What was the last thing you drank? Ginger ale because I can actually keep that down

What’s the best thing you’ve ever bought? Oh goshhh I buy SO MANY THINGGSSS!! Uhhhh MY CAR!!! She’s a beautiful 2016 Honda HR-V, I love her :DD My Kat Von D Shade and Light palette!!! I can’t live without that palette!!! Oh oh and my laptop!! She’s been a bit of a shit lately, but I do adore herrr.

What’s the worst thing you’ve ever bought? Ughh I tend to like everything I buyy

What’s the best thing you’ve ever been given? My Uggs!!! My mom got me them and I LOVE them

What’s the worst thing you’ve ever been given? I don’t think I haven’t liked anything that’s been given to me so far??

What are your future goals? Well it was to become a nurse and I ammmm so there it is and I’m even where I wanted to be :DD Maternity nurse with the babieesss :DD 

Describe your bedroom? A black bed. A big black dresser. Two closets…. I have a lot of clothes. Two mirrors, well three if you count my make-up mirror. I have a make-up dresser that’s black too with like a shit ton of make-up!!! Black curtains. White walls and the wall that my bed is attached too has pictures completely covering it in a checkerboard pattern. I’m pretty proud of it, it’s my favorite thing about my room! Oh and another wall has my car tax bill taped to it so that I remember that I have the next half of that shit to pay in January xD

Who do you consider the most beautiful woman in the world? I think Jessica Lowndes if GORGEOUSS

Who do you consider the most handsome man in the world? Ian Somerhalder is GORGEOUSSSS so is William Levy!!!!!!

Favorite thing to do on a hot summers day? Go to the pool, and lay out under the hot summer sunnn. I absolutely LOVE the heattt 

Favorite thing to do on a snowy winters day? Keep my ass in!!!! Curl under warm blankets and drink yummy hot chocolate

If you were granted 3 wishes, what would they be? Have all my bills/loans paid off for the rest of my liiiffeee, anything my mom would want, and idk probably a nice gorgeous house in the future

If you could go back in time to see or change something, when would it be and what would you do? I’d go back to my high school years and not date the douchebag of my ex

What’s the first thing you think about when you wake up? Can I go back to sleep for another hour?? haha

Do you believe in the after-life? I dooo

Where do you see yourself in 10 years time? I have no fucking cluee. I still see myself in the same profession though because I do love it deep down haha. Hopefully, though I’ll be out of CT and just somewhere different. 

What’s the funniest joke you’ve ever been told? I don’t really tell jokes I don’t think I’m funny at all :((

Any hidden talents? None that I’m aware of??? I mean I can sing?? Does that count??

Dream job? Currently doing it!!! Being a nurse :DD Even though I do have a love/hate relationship with it xD

Who is your hero? My mommmm

Describe yourself in 3 words: Introvert, sweet, sarcastic

FAVORITES

Favorite color? Blackkk I love pink too, but black way moree

Favorite number? 14

Favorite animal? Snow Tiger

Favorite sport (to play)? Umm I only ever cheer leaded soo cheerleading by default

Favorite sport (to watch)? Baseball and Football

Favorite Show(s)? Criminal Minds, Law & Order SVU, NCIS, Grey’s Anatomy and my guilty pleasure issss Keeping up with the Kardashians haha yes I hate myself for loving that show xD

Favorite movies? Titanic, Cinderella, Nightmare Before Christmas, The Corpse Bride, andd The Princess Bride 

Favorite band? Evanescence 

Favorite song? It’s constantly switching 

Favorite room in the house? My bedroom!!!!

Favorite food? Pizza!!!!! 

Favorite drink? Pepsi :DD Should I be drinking any kind of soda? Nope because I get kidney stones pretty often. Do I still drink my Pepsi like all the time?? YEASS

Favorite place? Disney World <3

Favorite cartoon character? That would be between Cinderella and Sally

Favorite day of the week? Monday and Thursday because I neverrrr work on those days!! 

Favorite day of the year? August 23rd!! :DD

Favorite season? Summerr

Favorite Holiday? Christmass 

Favorite girls name? Emily, Aria and I have to say I do love my name too!! Kiara is pretty 

Favorite boys name? Declan and Aiden

Favorite country? Italy

Favorite smell? OoOo I’m a very fruity person but cucumber melon is my absolute favorite!! 

Favorite sound? Rain falling, tapping of the keyboard, tapping of acrylic nails, a heart beat especially baby heart beats because they go really fast!!

Favorite accent? British

Favorite Ships (in or our of BDRP)? I love all the ships hereee!!!! I love all of my ships tooo ngl xD 

Favorite Fandoms? I don’t think I really have any???

PREFERENCES

Coke or Pepsi? Pepsi!

Pen or Pencil? Pen. I really don’t like pencils at all and won’t use one unless it’s a lead pencil 

Day or Night? Night all the way

Cat or Dog? Dog but I’m sadly very allergic to both :((

Summer or Winter? Summer!

T.V. or Radio? Radio

Brains or Beauty? Brains

Cup or Mug? Mug

Tea or Coffee? Coffeeee, but I’m not a huge fan or either tbh

Gold or Silver? Silver

Brush or Comb? Comb

City or Country? City

Early or Late riser? Late!!!! Look I get up at like 1pm the earliest. 

Blond or Brunette? Brunette

Scary or Romantic movies? Romantic haha Scary movies are too predictable to me I mean so are romantic but whateverr

Board or Computer games? Board gamess

Half full or Half empty? Half full

Happy and poor or Sad and rich? Happy and poor

Glasses or Contacts? Glasses

Flowers or Chocolates? Chocolate!! Please no flowers those die on me tooo

Love or Money? Love

Hugs or Kisses? Tbh hugss I love hugging!!! Just not cuddling though haha

[princeyandanxiety]

The "ask me things" ask - all of them!!! Or if that's too insane, do the first 20 and the last 20 :p

The answers are short bc i was rushing them haha but ill put em under the read more

1. You woke up naked next to the last person you texted, what would you say?

… I would be very, very freaked out. Words would not be said. Only screaming.

2. What’s going on between you and the last person you kissed?

I saw him last month. No offense, but he cannot write a decent speech.

3. If your boyfriend or girlfriend was into drugs, would you care?

Depending on the drug, it’d vary from “please just make sure you’re safe” to “oh god how do i convince you that this is a bad idea [panicky pharmacist daughter vibrating]”

4. Is your last name longer than six letters?

[counts letters on fingers] yes!

5. Was your last kiss drunk or sober?

Sober.

6. Have you ever wanted to have someone but you messed it up?

Yyyyyyyyyyyyyyep

7. What does your last received text say?

“Ok, see you next week. Thanks. :)”8. How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed?

Once.

9. Where was your last kiss at?

Kindergarten classroom. In my primary school.

10. When is the last time you saw your sister?

[checks time] uh like an hour ago?

11. What do you drink in the morning?

Water or cinnamon orange tea

12. Where did you sleep last night?

My bed.

13. Do you think relationships are hard?

They’re a lot of work, but they’re ultimately a choice that both people have to make. I’d like to hope that they’re ultimately worth it.

14. If you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would you?

Mostly test results.

15. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, any problems?

“Oh, hey, we haven’t talked in like 6 years. How’s life?”

16. Would you rather it be sunny or rainy?

Sunny.

17. Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you?

Lmao fuck no.

18. Are you wearing jeans,sweatpants,or pajama pants?

Pj pants!

19. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now?

Yes. Because I’ll have finished my HSC.

20. Does anyone like you?

Yes ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

21. Have you ever kissed someone with a name that starts with an S?

No. Only an A, a T, and another A.

22. Is the last person you kissed gay?

[shrugs[

23. Is there a person you CANNOT stand?

There are multiple. Be more specific.

24. Have you ever considered getting a tattoo?

Yeah but I’m a fucking wuss haha I’d probs pass out from the pain or something.

25. In the past week have you cried?

I cried like 9  hours ago lmao

26. What breed was the last dog you saw?

TOY POODLE!

27. Do you dry off in the shower or out of the shower?

Who the fuck dries themself in the shower? It’s all watery in there. Foot mats exist for a reason.

28. Have you ever kissed a football player?

nnnnnnnnnnnnnope

29. Do you think you’re old?

Sometimes i feel a little old, but I know that I’m still pretty damn young

30. Do you like text messaging?

Lmao I prefer it to calling that’s for damn sure. I dont actually text all that much tho. Mostly because the people i’d text have free messenger services anyway. That or the bill for texting them would be pretty fuckin pricey.

31. What type of day are you having?

It’s on the better side of neutral.

32. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced?

Nooooo thanks. I got my ears pieced when I was like 3 and that was enough for me!

33. Do you prefer warm or cold weather?

Mildly cold weather.

34. Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you?

Yes! He’s been my friend since kindergarten haha

35. Would you prefer a relationship or a fling?

relationship because i am a massive romantic (whICH REMINDS ME-)

36. Are you a simple or complicated person?

Is anyone actually simple? Like really? There are always so many different parts to one person, so many intricacies and contradictions, good and bad, that they might not even think about.

… so im probably a more complicated person haha.

37. What song are you listening to?

Nice2KnoU by All Time Low i love it sooooo muuuuuuch38. When you say you’re sorry do you mean it?

Most of the time, yeah.

39. Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you?Ooooooh yeah. They probably have the most power to wreck me lmao.

40. What made you start liking the person you like now?

Okay in my defense I didn’t realise I actually liked them until my brain was like “lmao what if you had a crush on this person” and I was like “oh. oh fuck. I actually do have a crush on them” but i think it was a few things. they always make me smile, and they don’t mind that i can be a clingy motherfucker. They’re also funny and super sweet, and they have such an amazing mind and personality. Tbh im not entirely surprised that i fell for them because when i click with someone as well as i initially did with them i tend to develop feelings pretty quickly from there.

41. When did you last receive a text message?5:14 pm

42. What is wrong with you right now?Do you have the time to hear the answer to that?

43. How well do you know the last female you texted?Eh. She’s a  teacher.

44. Does anyone disgust you?

Yes.45. Would you date someone right now if they asked?Unfortunately, no, probably not.

46. Are you in a good mood right now?{come back to this}

47. Who was the last person you talked to in person?My mum

48. What color shirt are you wearing?

Black. Like my soul.49. Has someone recently told you something you didn’t want to hear?Yes.

50. Anyone you’re giving up on?

Yeah. Myself.51. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for?

… yes because he turned out to be a dick.

52. Have you ever thought about giving up on someone but couldn’t?See above.

53. Do you like rain?I frikkin’ love it

54. Do you care if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks?Not really. I’d only be really worried if it was unhealthy levels of drinking.

55. Have you ever liked somebody and never told them?

… Lmao I always tend to admit it eventually, I think. A few times I’ve been like “oh yeah, I used to have a crush on you haha” 56. Do you like to cuddle?

Never… actually… cuddled before...

57. Are you shy?

Eh, it depends. 58. Do you get along with girls?

I tend to get along better with girls than guys tbh but when I was younger I always had a lot of girl cousins and at primary school it was always pretty divided between boys and girls

59. Have you dated the person you texted last?Fuck. no.

60. What do you carry with you at all times?

My phone 61. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you?

… maybe. 62. Do you think you can last in a relationship for five months?I sure as hell hope I can

63. Think back to October, were you in a relationship?

Ahhh, the beginning of HSC. I was so young then. So hopeful.

Too bad my soul has been squashed. 64. The person you like kisses you on the forehead, do you find this cute?

… Bells has just passed out from thinking about this please leave a message after the beep *beeeeep*65. Did anything “cute” happen in the last week?

My friend did really well on an important test and she was super happy about it haha

66. How old are the last three people you kissed?

Between 17 and 18.

67. Would you rather pay to get your nails done or do them yourself?    I like doing my own nails but tbh I *really* wanna get them done one day.

68. Which do you like better- Zebra print or leopard print?    

How about neither????69. Do you have any stickers on your car?    Nah

70. Would you rather listen to Luke Bryan or Lil Wayne?    Who?

71. Blackberry, Anroid, or iPhone?    Android!

72. When’s the last time you had pizza from Pizza Hut?    

Fuck if I know lmao73. Do you like diet soda?    

Ew no74. What color are the walls in your room?    

Varying shades of purple

75. Are you 16 or older?    Yep!

76. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars?    Nope!

77. Do you have a job?    

Double nope!  78. What are your initials?    

Identification.79. Did you ever have braces?    

Got ‘em right now haha80. Are you from the south?    

I COME FROM A LAND DOWN UNDER so technically yeah

81. What does your last status on facebook say?    “How does a worried Hispanic person count to three?Uno, dos, stress.”

82. Do you still talk to the first person you ever kissed?    Lol no I don't even know if he's alive

83. Are you closer to your mom or your dad?    

Mum :)84. Have you ever done cheerleading or gymnastics?    

I did gymnastics in kindergarten!

I hated it.85. What’s the last movie you saw in theaters?    

Probably Moana?86. Do you smoke?   

Nah 87. Would you rather wear heels or flip flops?    

THONGS M888. Is your phone touch screen?    

Yes.89. Do you normally wear your hair straight or curly?    

My hair is straight than I am most of the time.90. Have you ever snuck out of your house?    Haha no.91. Would you rather swim in a river, lake, or pool?

Pool   92. Have you ever made out in a car?    Nope

93. …Had sex in a car?    Double nope

94. Are you single or in a relationship?    Single!

95. What were you doing last night at midnight?    Sleeping like a baby

96. When’s the last time you saw fireworks?  

In person? A few years, now.  

97. Do you like the camera on your phone?   Yes. because i have a samsung galaxy s7 now. My s3 had the picture quality of a potato.

98. Have you ever had a friend with benefits?    Nope.

99. Have you ever passed out from drinking?    THREE MORE MONTHS. But no not yet

100. Are you friends with people on facebook that you actually hate?    Uh theres one person that i’ve been holding a grudge against for fucking ever but other than that no?

101. Have you ever had a pregnancy scare? … look bayer and bayer would be getting sued if i was pregnant.

102. Name your favorite Kesha song:    C’mon

103. Do you have any tan lines right now?

Nah its winter so im all long shirts and knee socks rn   104. Would you ever wear cowboy boots with shorts? 

Idk maybe

[ronaldreghan]

1-104

bruh

1. You woke up naked next to the last person you texted, what would you say?

well that would be dani and i would be very confused. “why was i naked?” i would ask. i have no reason to be naked around dani. or anyone, for that matter.

2. What’s going on between you and the last person you kissed?

well i found out he was a trump supporter (rip) so i deleted him from everything. i still feel gross and its been almost 6 months.

3. If your boyfriend or girlfriend was into drugs, would you care?

honestly depends on the drug. weed? i dont care. shrooms/lsd/acid? id be a little iffy, but i ultimately wouldnt care. heroin/cocaine/opiods? id immediately try to help them get help.

4. Is your last name longer than six letters?

ya its 7 lol

5. Was your last kiss drunk or sober?

sober (unfortunately)

6. Have you ever wanted to have someone but you messed it up?

no? i dont think so

7. What does your last received text say?

“i like that color”

8. How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed?

idk we made out for like twenty minutes because i was too chicken to say “hey you were fun for ten minutes but id really rather be with my friends”

9. Where was your last kiss at?

some shitty halloween rave

10. When is the last time you saw your sister?

i dont have a sister lol

11. What do you drink in the morning?

water

12. Where did you sleep last night?

in my bed? where else am i gonna sleep? the dumpster behind my dorm? a clown car?

13. Do you think relationships are hard?

yeah. its constant work, but it shouldnt be annoying work, you know? its work thats hard but you enjoy doing it

14. If you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would you? 

ya i wouldnt spend so much money lol

15. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, any problems?

YES GET ME OUT OF THERE AWAY FROM TRUMP BOY

16. Would you rather it be sunny or rainy?

rainy!!!

17. Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you?

nope

18. Are you wearing jeans,sweatpants,or pajama pants?

jeans

19. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now?

wish i fuckin knew. probably not.

20. Does anyone like you?

no i dont think so.

21. Have you ever kissed someone with a name that starts with an S?

nope

22. Is the last person you kissed gay?

fuck no

23. Is there a person you CANNOT stand?

the boy i last kissed

24. Have you ever considered getting a tattoo?

i already have one lmao

25. In the past week have you cried?

yeah i cried in the airport because i had to call my mom because i didnt have enough money for the uber home and i was freaking the fuck out

26. What breed was the last dog you saw?

i dont know! but he was littleand cute and i love him

27. Do you dry off in the shower or out of the shower?

out of the shower

28. Have you ever kissed a football player?

no all the football players i knew in high school were gross, and my current school doesnt have a football team

29. Do you think you’re old?

im not 20 yet so no

30. Do you like text messaging?

yes! i love texting! it makes it so easy to talk to my friends back home and also its so much easier to put things into writing

31. What type of day are you having?

eh, its ok. i met with my schools career service center and we talked about what i have to do to get my dream job, and also an actual job.

32. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced?

yeah, but i cant do piercings.

33. Do you prefer warm or cold weather?

WARM

34. Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you?

my dad! even though he annoys me sometimes hes still my dad and i love him a lot

35. Would you prefer a relationship or a fling?

a fling. i dont have the time, money, or desire for an actual Relationship rn

36. Are you a simple or complicated person?

id like to think simple, but i also know that my logic doesnt always make sense to other people, which can make me seem complicated so *shrug* idk

37. What song are you listening to?

im listening to the sabres/sharks broadcast sooooo

38. When you say you’re sorry do you mean it?

usually39. Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you?

dani, anishka, brooke40. What made you start liking the person you like now?

well he plays for the sabres and hes super cute and i love him hes softe. he doesnt know i exist because why would he but i lov him.41. When did you last receive a text message?

well since i wrote the beginning of this post i have received two (2) texts, the most recent of which was 3 minutes ago42. What is wrong with you right now?

I NEED MONEY. I HAVE $6 IN MY BANK ACCOUNT AND I HAVE $100 IN FRATERNITY DUES AT THE END OF THE MONTH.43. How well do you know the last female you texted?

dani is one of my best friends lol44. Does anyone disgust you?

myself, mostly. but like, ACTUAL disgust? anyone who is alt-right.45. Would you date someone right now if they asked?

probably not46. Are you in a good mood right now?

relatively, yeah47. Who was the last person you talked to in person?

my roommates48. What color shirt are you wearing?

its a black parade mcr shirt...................49. Has someone recently told you something you didn’t want to hear?

yeah, that im poor lol50. Anyone you’re giving up on?

myself51. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for?

yeah, i honestly hate him so much hahaha but yet were still facebook friends so 

52. Have you ever thought about giving up on someone but couldn’t?

the buffalo sabres53. Do you like rain?

yes!!! i love rain so much!!! especially thunderstorms!!!! 54. Do you care if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks?

no55. Have you ever liked somebody and never told them?

all the time in high school. i knew they didnt like me back, so pair that with crippling shyness and nothing ever happened.56. Do you like to cuddle?

YES. CUDDLE ME.57. Are you shy?

GOD YES. i Cannot talk to new people. 58. Do you get along with girls?

i gotta. us women gotta stick together.59. Have you dated the person you texted last?

yeah dani and i dated for like almost 3 months lol 60. What do you carry with you at all times?

my phone. i always, always have my phone with me. 61. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you?

oh fuck yeah. i love ghosts gimme some ghost love. 62. Do you think you can last in a relationship for five months?

eh. sure, lets say yeah. 63. Think back to October, were you in a relationship?

nope, but i wanted one. and now i am Here, single, bitter. 64. The person you like kisses you on the forehead, do you find this cute?

OH MY GODDDDDD FOREHEAD KISSES KILL ME AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ALSO TEMPLE KISSES GOD I AM SO WEAK FOR THOSE65. Did anything “cute” happen in the last week?

yeah, i surprised brooke and dani and they both screamed which was probably cute, but mostly made me warm inside.

66. How old are the last three people you kissed?

uh 19/20, 18, and 16 (at the time)

67. Would you rather pay to get your nails done or do them yourself? 

id do them myself lol i dont fucking care.   68. Which do you like better- Zebra print or leopard print?

...zebra?

69. Do you have any stickers on your car?    

no but i want some70. Would you rather listen to Luke Bryan or Lil Wayne?    

lil wayne, i dont fuck my cousins.71. Blackberry, Anroid, or iPhone?    

iphone bith!!!72. When’s the last time you had pizza from Pizza Hut?    

like two-ish weeks ago?73. Do you like diet soda?    

yeah i like diet coke more than regular coke? idk it tastes better74. What color are the walls in your room?    

here theyre an ugly beige, back home theyre sabres blue and gold (i was in seventh grade ok bye)75. Are you 16 or older?    

ya im 19 now76. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars?    

nope.77. Do you have a job?    

not yet, but i applied for a ton! please send positive thoughts my way that i get one!!!  78. What are your initials?    

MMR79. Did you ever have braces?    

yeah, for two and a half years :/80. Are you from the south?    

do i fuck my cousins?

81. What does your last status on facebook say?    

my most recent activity was me sharing the article about harrison browne retiring, but my most recent original activity says “ED SHEERAN IS COMING TO BUFFALO THIS IS NOT A DRILL”82. Do you still talk to the first person you ever kissed?    

nope. he re-followed me on twitter in november tho lol83. Are you closer to your mom or your dad?    

probably my mom, but it used to be the other way around.84. Have you ever done cheerleading or gymnastics?    

no but i wanted to so bad when i was younger!!!85. What’s the last movie you saw in theaters?    

the lego batman movie lol86. Do you smoke?    

nope. both of my parents smoked cigarettes and i dont fuck with that. as for weed (which i assume this is actually referring to), i smoked it once over the summer,but i dont really want to again? idk i just have no burning desire to get high.87. Would you rather wear heels or flip flops?    

flip flops.88. Is your phone touch screen?    

ya89. Do you normally wear your hair straight or curly?    

my hair is limp bitch90. Have you ever snuck out of your house?    

yeah lol once i snuck out at 1 in the morning to go to noco and buy chocolate milk it was an Adventure91. Would you rather swim in a river, lake, or pool?    

pool. im not about to get some fucking parasite in my vagina, which would happen to me with my shitty luck.92. Have you ever made out in a car?    

ye93. …Had sex in a car?    

no, im a version94. Are you single or in a relationship?    

single95. What were you doing last night at midnight?    

what WAS i doing last night at midnight, thats actually a good question.96. When’s the last time you saw fireworks?    

uh new years. in person? fourth of july i think.97. Do you like the camera on your phone?    

yeah. i mostly take my picture through snapchat so98. Have you ever had a friend with benefits?    

I FUCKING WISH99. Have you ever passed out from drinking?    

no but ive thrown up.............100. Are you friends with people on facebook that you actually hate?    

a few101. Have you ever had a pregnancy scare?    

bitch do i look like im stickin dicks in my hoo ha102. Name your favorite Kesha song:    

her cover of true colors? iconic, show stopping, brilliant, amazing, never been done before103. Do you have any tan lines right now?    

yes! its amazing bc that never happens104. Would you ever wear cowboy boots with shorts?    

FUCK. NO.

[ppandfm]

Parties, Formal Meetings and Pinetrees   Chapter: 4

Description:  Two gay men, a protective grunkle, and a bottle of whiskey all appear in this chapter.

After Dipper called out to whoever was at his room door it opened revealing a certain great-uncle of theirs. Ford standing there nerdy and proud with a grin on his face as he put his suitcases down by the room doorway. Dipper about forgot that their great-uncle was going to be staying for a few days to visit. Mabel about tackled him though with one of her bear hugs.

   “Great-Uncle Ford!!” Mabel practically cried out when she tackle hugged him. “Oh my gosh it’s so good to see you!”

   Ford laughed as he hugged his niece, “It’s great to see you as well, Mabel! How did that sweater you were telling me about turn out?”

   “It looked amazing, Great Uncle Ford. I wish I could’ve shown it to you in person, but I gave it to my friend Pacifica.”

   “You mean your crush, Mabes. Hey, Great Uncle Ford, how have you been?” Dipper said as he stood up to shake his relative’s hand. Ford took the hand and pulled him into a hug. His great uncle pulled away to look at his nephew and niece.

   “I’ve been doing fine. Stan just got over a cold, though, so he wasn’t able to come. Now, what’s this about a crush, Mabel? I thought you were dating that Mermando guy.”

   Mabel rolled her eyes, “First off, we went on one date. Second, it turned out he’s supposed to marry some duchess in Europe, so we decided to just be friends. Finally, Pacifica is a good friend of mine and she’s really pretty and I feel really warm inside when I think about her and I’m kinda sorta not really totally in love with her.”

   Dipper and Ford chuckled together at the girl’s lovesick look. Mabel shook her head and grabbed her great uncle’s bags, “Anyway, I’m gonna put these in your room so you can talk to Dipper. He needs some advice about coming out. You’ll thank me for this later, bye!”

   Dipper cursed his sister under his breath and sat down on the bed. He felt a dip next to him and a six-fingered hand on his back. The room was silent for a few minutes before Ford spoke, “So you are queer. I guess I owe Stan ten dollars. But, what’s this about coming out? I thought your parents weren’t really okay with all this queer business.”

   “It’s just a joke Mabel made. Also, I can’t believe you and Stan bet on my own gayness behind my back. I’m not really gay. I still like girls. I mean, all that business with Wendy wouldn’t really make sense if I were gay, would it? So, no, not gay. But, maybe I’m a little bisexual. I don’t know.”

    Ford rubbed for a moment, then asked a question, “Why is she bringing all this up now? It doesn’t really make sense unless you’ve just now met someone.”

   “Well…” Dipper trailed off. Ford cocked an eyebrow at his nephew, “Have you met someone, Dipper?”

   Dipper blushed slightly and cleared his throat, “Well, yeah, kinda. But, not in that way.”

   Ford chuckled and looked at his hands, “I said the same thing once. Then he asked me on a date. I still remember how heartbroken he looked when I rejected him. By the time I’d figured it out, he was already married and had a son. Point is, you ought to kiss your new man now.”

   Dipper’s blush worsened just as his phone buzzed. Ford snatched it up before his nephew could get to it and looked at the screen, “Based on this text, this fellow you’ve met is a decent man. Tell me when you’re thinking about asking him on a date so Mabel and I can properly prepare ourselves to give him the talk.”

   “Great Uncle Ford, I’m not like that,” Dipper said before taking his phone back and reading the text.

   Ash: Hey, hope you’re having a good night.

   “Wendy is Ash in my phone. It’s a movie reference.”

   “Whatever you say sir dippington.” Mabel quipped as she wriggled her eyebrows earning a glare from Dipper. “Okay okay but what about Bill? Wait, is that his name?”

    Dipper shifted in his spot.

   “Mabel- he’s just a friend-” Mabel chimed in. “A boyfriend.”

   “Mabel oh my god” Dipper about facepalmed when Ford quirked an eyebrow.

   “Okay- okay jesus. So I only met him a few nights ago and he gave me his number. We’ve been texting. I was only trying to figure out- figure out-” Dipper trailed off. Specifically he didn’t want them to know the other just snuck into his room because of a party he called the cops on. Not a good idea.

   “Figure out what?” Dipper was taken out of his trailing thoughts. “Trying to just y’know get to know him.”

   “That’s not what I was seeing before Dipper” Mabel grinned.

   “Mabel, I’m not going to date him because I’m not a queer. You might be and Ford might be ace, but that doesn’t mean I’m gay too.”

   “But I am not just asexual,” Ford chimed in. Dipper rolled his eyes as Mabel stood up and said dramatically, “You’re not?

   “No, my dearest niece. I am biromantic!!” Their overdramatic uncle shouted. Mabel fake fainted. Dipper face palmed at the horrible things happening in his room. When his uncle and sister began laughing their asses off, he got up and pushed them towards the door. The two continued laughing as they left the bedroom. Dipper huffed and sat down to do homework because that’s a thing he’s been trying to do for like an hour now.

   Meanwhile, in an undisclosed location, a certain triangle turned human was chugging diet coke and popping mentos into his mouth at the same time to impress a random guy he thought was cute. Weirdly enough, this guy looked almost exactly like a certain plant man he knew.

   “Bill, you’re fucking stupid. This is going to end in disaster,” Pyronica said. Bill flipped her off as foam began rushing out of his mouth in a disgusting way. The guy he was trying to impress gave him a look and moved away. Pyronica laughed at her friend as he almost choked on all the foam, “He’s gone, man. I guess you’ll just have to make a stupid mistake and call that kid you met the other day.”

   As soon as Bill caught his breath, he shot a glare at her, “Are you kidding me? I’m not nearly drunk enough for that. Hand me a vodka, then I might call him.”

   Without a word, Pacifire handed him the requested drink. The triangle guy pulled out his phone and began pouring the drink down his throat.  

   Bill: Dippppppppahhhhhhhh

   Dipper: Wtf

              What do you want?

    Bill: To tallllkkkbdhhch

    Dipper: Tf is wrong with you?

                Why are you typing all weird?

     Bill: Vvodka

    Dipper: I can’t believe you. Go get sober, then talk to me.

    Bill: N o

         Oooooo

        Oooooooo

   He looked around himself and realized all his friends were gone. He was surrounded by strangers, with a few of them looking like they wanted to kick someone’s ass. Bill quickly decided he didn’t want to be that someone. He grabbed a bottle of whiskey and got the fuck out of there. Once in the cool evening air, he started texting Pinetree again.

     Bill: Hahhhhhhhhh

          Cant socialize

         I donvt wanna get sobbah

     Dipper: Please? For me?

     Bill: Ppppinnnneeevvtrreeee

     Dipper: Wtf is even up with that nickname?

    Bill looked up, noticing a lack of natural light. The sun had gone down and the streets were dark, save for the few working streetlights. He quickly decided that since it was too far to walk to his own home, he’d go crash at Dipper’s again. He turned on the street leading to the Richie part of town and picked up his pace.

    Bill: Because your fvannel smells like pinetrees

    Dipper: That’s where my fucking flannel went.

               You jackass

     Bill: You didn’t objeext

     Dipper: Fuck u

               I was busy trying to get you out of my room for half the night.

     The man laughed out loud. He took a gulp of whiskey, loving the burn in his throat.

     Bill: Hhshshshhshshhs

          Youuuuuuuu

        Didn’t ttttt

      Noticeeessssssssss

     Dipper: I’m blocking you

    Bill finally reached his destination and jumped the fence as quietly as his drunk ass could. He started climbing a tree he thought led to Dipper’s window, but too late realised the room belonged to someone else. Instead, an older man was sitting on the bed, talking to someone on the phone. He seemed oddly familiar to the triangle man, but Bill couldn’t put his finger on it. A twig snapped underneath his foot and the man stopped talking. Bill scampered up the tree and climbed onto the roof. He pulled his phone out again to reply to his Pinetree’s texts.

      Bill: nnnnOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

     Dipper: I won’t if you don’t climb in my window again. My uncle is here now and he’ll

                actually beat the shit out of you.

     Bill: Okkkkkkaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyy

          Wwwaaiittt who ddau

     Dipper: My Great Uncle Ford.

               He lives up in Oregon and is pretty much the reason for my lifestyle.

    Bill froze in his spot when he heard the window below him open. He could do nothing but stare at his phone screen. As the window closed again, Bill suddenly realised something.

      Bill: Wwait

           Wait wait wait

         Hold the phonbah

      Dipper: What?

      Bill: He got six fingwts oon esch hanndd?

     Dipper: Yeah?

     Bill clamped a hand over his mouth to keep from getting too loud. Sixer had almost caught him. And this freaking kid was that man’s nephew.

      Bill: you mean

           SIXER

         You’re relatedddd

        To

       SIXER

     Dipper: How the fuck do you know my uncle?

     Bill: I know

          LOTS

        Of people

      And lost of things.

     Dipper: Okay

               That’s not creepy as fuck

     Bill: I know them usually through deals, business, parties or just running into them in

          the past and all that xhit

        Sixerrr

      That’s a longfgg

     Story

    Dipper: Maybe you can tell it to me sometime

    Bill: Maybe now

        Im already on your vroff

     Sooooo

    Dipper: How the fuck…

              I don’t care

           Just get in here

     Bill: Life

         That’s how

       nO YOU SHOULD

     I fought a bIGGASSBIRD

   tO SIT UP HERE

    He couldn’t tell the truth about almost getting caught. A little lie wouldn’t hurt him.

    Dipper: How am I supposed to get on my roof?

              How dod you get on my roof?

           *did

    Bill: IiiiIIII

        Lend you a hannddd

      I used your biggass tree

    Dipper: The oak tree?

              Just give me a hand.

     Bill: Ye

         Okayyyyy

    Bill shoved his phone in his pocket and carefully moved so he could see the back side of the house. A window to his right opened and a head of brown hair poked out. A chuckle escaped the drunk man as he moved so he was over the window. The kid began climbing out. Then, he slipped. Bill reached down easily and caught the kid before he fell. He dragged him onto his lap.

    “Pinetree, I missed you.”

    The kid scoffed, but gave Bill a hug anyway, “It’s been less than a week, Bill. Let me go.”

    “Aw, c’mon, don’t be like that. I know you missed me too, kid,” Bill whispered into Dipper’s ear. Dipper’s breath hitched slightly. He pushed on Bill’s chest and let out a sigh when he was released. The duo sat together and looked up at the sky for a few awkward moments. Then, Bill realised he still had the bottle of whiskey in his grip.

    “Hey, kid, want a drink?”

    Dipper eyed the bottle suspiciously, but nodded anyway. Bill handed him the bottle and the kid took a swig. He coughed after swallowing it, “God- fuck- that shit is strong-”

    Dipper cringed a little after handing the drink back. Bill snorted when he cringed, taking another swig of his drink waving his hand around for a moment after trying not to fall on his back.  “Don’t laugh- how the hell do you even drink this stuff?”

    Bill chuckled, “That’s my secret kid.”

    “Bullshit” Dipper snorted. “The best bullshit I’ve ever heard was the time a guy I know named Jason talked about sleeping with his best friends girlfriend. And that was a harsh punch to his friendship before he realized it was a shitty joke.”

     “Oh yeah?” Bill looked at the brunette and quirked an eyebrow. “The best bullshit I heard was when Johnny DiMaggio and his boys down the road from my house got high and crashed a car in the police station and managed to get away from it with his boys. The trio doesn’t even smoke weed and you can tell.”

    Dipper waved it off with a snort but covered his mouth. “Oh my god why am I even laughing-”  

    Dipper motioned for the whiskey and Bill gave him the bottle.

    Bill elbowed the other wriggling his eyebrows with a chuckle. “What? You feeling them Misery vibes Richie’? I find it kind of funny that a good boy like you would even want a drink.”

    Dipper about choked on the whiskey before handing it back quickly to the drunk blonde. “Christ- don’t ever call me a good boy again jesus-”  

    Bill laughed, “Does that mean you’ve done something naughty, Pinetree? I wonder what you’ve done to piss off authority figures.”

    “I stole my sister’s ex-boyfriend’s car and crashed it into a tree. It put me in the hospital with two broken ribs and a concussion for a week. It was so worth it, though. That guy’s a major asshole.”

    Bill about choked on his drink. He looked over at Dipper in surprise. “Holy fuck really?”

    The blonde covered his mouth snorting at the other. “Oh my god.”

    Dipper smiled, then looked up at the cloudy night sky. They sat in a comfortable silence for a few minutes, passing the bottle and looking at the stars. Bill eventually whispered, “What do you think when you look at the stars, Pinetree?’

    Dipper thought for a moment before answering, “I think about home. The night sky makes me feel at home.”

    Bill chuckled at his friend’s response, “That’s so cheesy.”

    The teen scoffed, “Really? And what does the great Bill Cipher think when he looks at the stars?”

    “How small we really are. Compared to the universe, we’re just two tiny little specks.”

    “Isn’t that good? I mean, look around you. We’re all a part of something. Whatever universal force is out there, it specifically made this entire universe so we could be alive and be on this roof right now. Isn’t that amazing, Bill?”

    Bill stared at Dipper for a few moments, then took a sip of whiskey, “Do you always think this deeply, kid?”

    “No, not usually. I think the whiskey is starting to get to me. I’m gonna have to be careful getting back down.”

    Bill chuckled, “You’re so adorable, kid. I’ll help you out and probably stay the night again. I promise to leave before morning.”

    Dipper stared at Bill, then began laughing, “You think I want you to leave? No way, Cipher. You can stay all morning for all I care. I don’t give a damn.”

    “Really? You sure about that, Dipper?” Bill asked, one eyebrow cocked. Dipper simply nodded. “Yeah I mean it’s not like you haven’t before.”

    The brunette stated as he looked at the stars above them. “So why the hell not?”

    Bill gave Dipper a long look before grinning drunk pinetree was full of surprises. Bill leaned over and ruffled the brunettes hair. “Alrighty then Pinetree~!”

    The blonde snorted when Dipper moved the blonde’s hand from his hair with a glare.

    “Bill don’t do that again-”

    The blonde pouted, “Awh but Pinetree!” Bill whined in which Dipper snorted.

    “Nope. Not again.” Bill laid back with a small whine and stared up at the stars.

    “Okay Princess” The blonde huffed. After a few hours of laughter, tired gazes upon the stars above and talking about trippy things. The two lazily and carefully made their way back into Dippers room settling for the night.