#i get responses but no questions back
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maybe I should
#i kinda want to meet with him again before im too busy again....#one more time to feel connected rather than isolated#i tried... i did talk to people and try to connect but... it feels like no one ever hears me#i get responses but no questions back#i hate always having to do all the work in everything.. sometimes i wish someone else would for a change#i dont like having to make all of the effort...#i hate that once i start it becomes expected#and if i stop or ask for change im 'being mean' and it hurts#is it really so much to ask for someone to want too?#it makes me feel like people only put up with me... only placate me#maybe its true.. it has been in the past#i dont think they cared about me.. im not sure she did either anymore#i just... make myself useful and sometimes i wonder if that's the only reason im kept around#because of kind words and gifts and my willingness to play mom and therapist and fill whatever need#what if thats all im good for?#i love giving gifts. i love putting in effort. i love showing how deeply i care. i love talking to people. i do.#but i hate that its always my 'job' my 'responsiblility'#and if i ask for any reciprocity im in the wrong.. im too much work or im just straight up wrong and 'what do you mean i totally do? youre#just needy and crazy'#im so tired....#i wish it were also seen as what it is rather than it becoming expected..#its a gift not an obligation.. i want people to appreciate what i do rather than expect it..#at least hes not like that.. not really#hopefully i can meet with him this weekend
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you wonder why I'm bitter?
#ask hurtful questions get hurtful answers#what if irene got to see Teresa after she “came back"#ive always subscribed to the idea of Irene being quietly and bitterly in love with Teresa her whole life but never telling her#and giving Clare her remaining arm in what she thought would be a fatal decision as means to repent for surviving Teresa’s death#(survivors guilt)#while also passing off the responsibility of avenging her#she’s complicated...I have more in the tank I’m just saving it for future posts#irene claymore#claymore#claymore manga#quicksword irene#teresa claymore#teresa x irene#teresa of the faint smile#stillindigo art
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it's kinda fascinating to me how welt has been "at the end of his life" for like. several decades by now. he goes on and on about how old and weary he is and how "his job is done" and his story is over but- oh wait i just realized i can phrase this in a very funny way- he's kind of sorta immortal now because he got the herrscher core back, so he's really just stuck in the epilogue for all eternity
#kdj will never leave my brain. clearly#hsr#or uh#hi3#???#idk?#ill just tag the guy himself#welt yang#like his story could have ended several times#with his self sacrifice during the second eruption or his self sacrifice in the sea of quanta or his self sacrifice in apho#man welt get your shit together#or with him teaching bronya to be his successor and her surpassing him#but none of these character arcs were about him. they were moreso about the effect he had on other characters. while he stays the same#and it makes sense because when does the guy ever think abt himself lol#but all of these endings would have been tragic in a way#so maybe this epilogue he's stuck in. the. the space train he's stuck in.#HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA#i ought to tag orv at this point#maybe that epilogue (hsr) is what he needs. because we can tell that things are different for him#and that he's gradually talking about going home less and less#but all the tragedy of his self sacrifices happened bc even while crushed by grief none of his friends/family saw another way out#and he had to take responsibility again. but if this happens in hsr - with him going back to self sacrifice without question#do you think the astral express crew will let him? or are they gonna try to find another way? without letting him do it all on his own?#um. this is very long#hsr meta#i guess
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out of curiosity, would you consider yourself butch?
used to be a blonde underweight twink and now I'm a based jock still got the chanel bag and the sick albeit matured mind of a suckpig to prove it so I'm gonna let you decide whether you wanna call me that word just cuz I got a pussy and short hair. I promise you that there have been enough advancements made in the art of lesbian sexual dynamics in the past 50 years to broaden the vocabulary used to describe the plethora of types of masculine females.
#being called butch just reminds me of how much males have the freedom to navigate between male archetypes and how people pay attention to#the distinguishing features of these varying masculinities#but when a female is seen as masculine it all gets lumped under the “butch” category#her masculinity is seen as unnatural and therefore incapable of being considered genuine or taken at face value as it is with males.#its always brought into question instead of taken in consideration with the rest of the woman's life and experiences and her particularities#Hence... Butch is still being treated as though its a huge lesbian cultural phenomena instead of a specific niche thing#also i dont mean to invite the “you dont pass!!” anons again bc that idiot is missing my point entirely (which is that im truly not trying)#but the fact is that for the past 3 years i have found myself increasingly navigating the male social world#and discovering what it means to me as a female to have access to the ability to take my “masculinity” for granted... relax#forget about it#etc#i think thats entirely antithetical to the Butch thing which seems to rest on the tension of other peoples expectations of her#people broadly are more surprised to find out that im interested in women just as much as they're surprised that im a gym queen iykwim...#ive worked hard for this and now that ive gotten the Woman Social Role thing pretty much entirely out of the way i am living the dream#i think a large part of that is learning as a dyke to appropriate the language of gay men theres a reason their terminology had#staying power even when their scene was *literally* dying meanwhile all that seemed to survive from dyke spaces was butch n femme ??#its because theirs didnt necessitate the building and maintenance of a scene in order for the subculture to hold its head above water#their labels *largely* weren't predicated on their relationships to gender roles and its telling that for dykes it was#their labels rested on the need to simply show up anonymous n be able to easily flag whether they were looking to fuck or be fucked#alongside the set of circumstances under which they would be fucking or getting fucked or what have you#it all comes back to the restrictions of female social blah blah blah and i think the sooner we collectively set down what we see as our#responsibility as lesbians and as feminists to Be A Woman the sooner we can step outside of that#n start thinking clearly about our individual circumstances and the necessity of putting on your own oxygen mask first before helping others
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Anyone who's an adult and a plushie collector. Do you still play with your stuffed animals/have you gone back to playing with them? And I mean full on playing, not just taking them someplace to take photos.
I have an urge to start playing with my plushies again, but idk if I could actually do it. Atm my version of "playing" with them is taking pics, or staring at them while imagining the stories I want to tell with them. Or I'll pick one or two of them up and wiggle their limbs and stuff around a bit then put them down back. It still feels...silly? I guess? To play with them? But I still want to. But the part of me that cringes holds me back. So it'd be nice to know what some other collectors do!
#plushies#I used to love playing with stuffed animals#soup is the only plushie I'd say I play with#but I don't make him talk or anything like that#I just like to shake him around n put him in silly positions but thats it#but idk if that counts#I'd love to hear other people's experiences#also I have some questions for people who read these tags who qanna respond to the post:#how did you get back into playing with plushies?#did you ever stop?#if so how did it feel to pick plushies back up and play with them again?#did you have to get over a feeling of embarrassment or did you embrace it without any worry or thought?#thank you all in advanced. I look forward to everyone's responses#viti shoosh
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as I am replaying origins -- a game which, to be clear, I love very VERY much -- I can't help but feel that people do don the rose coloured glasses on it a bit specifically when it comes to the range of dialogue options you're actually given to work with at any given time (something I've seen my fair share of silent vs. voiced protagonist discourse about over the years *smokes tired cigarette in survivor of a decade of DA tumblr*). like... there are a couple of situations where you're given a decent range of responses, but the vast majority of the time you have about three dialogue options, and often they're presented sort of like 'polite/bland/unprovoked near-cartoonish levels of assholery'. arranged like, y'know:
I am [BLANK]. It's an honor to make your acquaintance.
You can call me [BLANK].
How dare you speak to me. Fuck you and your family back five generations. I'm going to rob your mother's grave before your eyes.
(sometimes if you're real lucky you get the secret extra 'Something else/I'm bald/but I'm a dwarf!' option)
I'm not at all saying it's worse in that aspect than the other games (Dalish Inquisitor 'Who's Mythal' just entered the chat), but I do think it's worth considering that this might be a bit of a franchise original sin that has been present since the beginning, as indeed it is in most rpgs because making rpgs is real hard, and you notice it more with the dialogue wheel format than when the responses and questions you can ask are all laid out in a list together
#sometimes you also have 'sane and relatively polite' and then two different flavours of cartoonish assholery haha#or 'three barely rephrased versions of the same sentiment'. listen. It's hard to make a game sometimes you just need to get the player#through to the next part of the conversation I understand that perfectly haha#dragon age#I personally like the clarity the dialogue wheel gives you as to what is a question that'll loop you back#to uh the trunk of the conversation tree as it were and what responses move the conversation along and make those unavailable#you basically just have to feel the vibe on that in origins sometimes and it stresses me out even now#(also nice to know when you've flirted with a companion it's always sad to ninjamance someone and then have to crush their dreams lol)#but I absolutely see how some people might prefer the list layout and see the whole line their character will be saying#the dialogue options you get before facing uldred especially are. fucking wild tho#I think they're trying to do a whedonesque deadpan comedy exchange with the crazy guy (which like sure it was a different time)#but especially if you're a mage and just witnessed the devastation of everyone and everything you've ever known... weird vibe!
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Thinking bout the time someone yelled at me because they didn't understand butches.
#feeling some kind of way about telling queer stories lately#and what makes something “queer enough”#which. in my opinion is that any story I tell is queer enough because I am a queer person telling stories about queer characters#but there are always going to be people who call that into question if boys arent kissing boys and girls arent kissing girls#in easy uncomplicated ways#looking glasses is meant to be messy#everyone is at turning points in their lives. they're young adults whose identities and relatio ships aren't fully formed yet#but those complications (in my opinion) are what make the story queer#what are dess's pronouns? she/her but only because she hasnt had a chance to think about anything else#when an overbearing mother got her daughter back after they were missing for years#she might have a hard time adjusting to her child maybe not being her “daughter”#which is queerer: two women getting together or breaking up?#i dont think it matters#but I find these in between spaces interesting to explore#and it's my story that I'm doing for free#so even if dess looks too much like a man#i dont owe it to anybody to conform my story to someone else's expectations#(long ramble that probably isnt very coherent)#(i've just been thinking about some of this stuff lately. and this is the funniest response I've ever gotten to the comic)#(like yeah. she is a girl. good job!)#(i dont often get hate on the comic (which I'm glad for) so whenever I do I find the types of hate really fascinating)#(and dont worry. I got this months ago. I've just been thinking about it again recently and laughing)#nickel for my thoughts
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Just had a middle-of-the-night “ohhhh” moment as I just figured out that Kim Dokja needs the Fourth Wall not because of the scenarios but because it was essentially his survival mechanism for life.
Now I have only read the novel once so I could totally be forgetting stuff & way off-base but this is what I remember. Inane rambling under the cut, major spoilers included.
We know he’s generally antisocial, placing himself outside of society like a reader, and he internally smoothed over Sangah’s rough points even before the scenarios, making her into a ‘character’ (a caricature of herself) that fit into an archetype.
Dissociating from reality & viewing himself as a reader is his coping mechanism & “WoS coming to life” provides a convenient excuse to keep ignoring that fact.
This kind of ties in with an idea I’ve been forming about the Fourth Wall, which is that KDJ is fundamentally incapable of believing that “The Characters” (read: everyone) can experience growth as a result of his actions. He exists outside of the story, he is in the audience beyond the fourth wall, so he cannot affect the characters.
Hence the paradoxical nature of the Fourth Wall. For as long as he is a Reader, the Fourth Wall is maintained. And as long as the Fourth Wall is maintained, he will continue to be a Reader.
(Warning this is where it gets incoherent and messy.)
Kim Dokja fundamentally NEEDS the Fourth Wall to be maintained. Not just because of the OD stuff, but because it’s the way he’s learnt to cope with existing. It’s also why dying is so easy for him—we know he cannot deal with the guilt of making people he cares about suffer, but if he’s just a Reader, that means he can’t really have any meaningful impact on their lives, so it’s fine for him to just… disappear.
Kim Dokja is not actively suicidal, he’s just invested himself so far into the worldview of himself being a Reader that to him, his temporary deaths no longer register as dying. More like… stepping out of the theatre for a bit.
It gets complicated when we hit OD. Because then we realise the KDJ we’ve been accompanying is essentially a self-insert OC. So we can ascribe the way he thinks to OD, including all the coping mechanisms and self-distancing. But where OD manages to escape the narrative along with SP, at the same time the KimCom Crew escape the narrative, KDJ actually kind of… doubles down?
Like, OD does what any Reader does and learns from the book. When KDJ says “I, someone of no redeeming quality, could be loved by the others.” It’s not just him learning this lesson. It’s actually kind of the opposite. OD is Reading this lesson so he learns that he’s allowed to accept the mercy of SP & the 999 crew. So they escape the narrative.
KimCom also manages to escape the narrative but KDJ… can’t. He comes to the conclusion that he was actually backstage all along. But that means he’s still not ON stage. A Character can’t feel for the Script Writer or Director or Stage Manager. So he doubles down on his separation from them, stepping into that role. And then then KimCom comes banging on his door backstage because they’re not just characters, they’re the Actors now, and KDJ disappears because he can’t deal with that, because he fundamentally cannot exist on the same plane as them.
I think that’s why I’m hopeful at a post-epilogue ending. KDJ The Reader exists at essentially a higher tier than the people around him, and so he believes he cannot be loved in a way that has a lasting impact on them. But he DID spend years being affected by WoS, by Yoo Joonghyuk. If he becomes the Character, and them the Readers… maybe, just maybe, he can actually accept that love.
#orv#orv spoilers#this is barely coherent#the first half I know what I’m talking about#(maybe)#when I get into the FW meta it falls apart but if I didn’t write it down I’d never manage to develop it#it’s 5am and I haven’t slept yet I just had a Need to get this out there on my initial realisation#was it reading fanfic at 4am that led me to my ‘oh?’ I reserve the right to remain silent#was it also halfway through a smut scene? you can stop asking questions now#meta stuff produces A Lot Of Thoughts in me#particularly around its paradoxical/self-perpetuating nature#my stuff#omniscient reader's viewpoint#please feel free to debate me (nicely) in notes/responses I love Media Analysis#this is definitely not the only take on his character eg i think he also has zero selfworth#& feels like he needs to be useful maybe bc if he doesn’t have a narrative function why does he exist#something something being a character wow maybe it does all come back to that
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Arajin observation notes so far:
- good reflexes? (dodging the trip in ep1)
- strong enough to hold up Matakara??
- is the punches to Matakara's kicks :3c
Kid was definitely serious about becoming strong back then 😂
#bucchigiri?!#watch and yell#spoilers#honestly i think arajin is still very strong on his own#but he's likely hampered by fear and his sense of guilt#also might tie in with the best friend stone and how he feels like he doesnt deserve it?? he probs still has it tho#i am SEEING the VISION#everybody loves Arajin except the one person who he wants to love him back LMAO#ALSO THE VERY END OF THE ENDING SONG??#WILL EVERYONE GET TO DO THE HEART POSE???#this feels so old school in such a good way i love it SO MUCH#also i am glad i was right that WAS matakara's brother#now why is he in jail(?) is the real question#running theory that arajin feels responsible for it#maybe big bro was protecting lil bro when arajin ran off and it got serious#something like that?#i am thinking way too hard about this#but I NEED TO KNOW
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Amazing, take some of the side character demons from Evil Bound.
Vincie is a menace to Chuck and Chuck alone so in Hell, Chuck hexes his hand behind his back so that he isn't grabbed as much (and it's harder to pet him). Chuck is like the most irresponsible older sibling ever to demons though so Kelvin recruits him (as an older sibling vibe) to go help him get his ACTUAL older sibling from Earth. Chuck agrees. And then drags Vincie from Hell with them because no one else wants to babysit him and he refuses to unbind the hex just to re-hex when he returns to Hell.
In Hell, Kelvin actually doesn't appear much different than his human form! Like Kronos, the lines under his eyes are red in Hell but black on earth. Chuck however? In Hell he has wolf-ish ears and has a fur lining his neck (note the neck scars in human form). In addition to that he has four eyes in Hell (note the scars under his eyes in human form). Vincie just has horns in Hell. And! In Hell the hex doesn't have a silly looking "tied up" look, it's invisible unless Vincie strains it with movement and then its red text. But it shifts on earth to be visible.
Vincie's biggest agony for the entirety on earth is "dude it's colder here than in Hell I want a jacket to slip my arms into BUT I CANT BECAUSE IM BOUND".
#my characters#amazing show stopping rng wheel thanks#i have my oc plots on a wheel - thats 80 different options! wow! - and spun it#i spun twice and the first time it was the bodyguard plot that i drew a few days ago#the second time was evil bound#i genuinely think it new its a bad day and im not doing well so it took it easy on me with things id done recently#anyway ive never colored kelvin before which i realized today#i only have pencil art of him#also fun fact about their lil earth adventures#they fucking fail horrifically the first time they go and kronos doesnt go back#then they go back to try and get him to forcefully bring him back and theeeeen shit hits the fan#and so vincie is vibing with tolliver since hes basically useless without hands and then oops!#no more hex! and so he starts to get really super scared and tolliver is like uh isnt that a good thing your hands are free now#and vincie is horrified because the only way to break a hex from a distance is if the caster is near dead or dead#and if thats the case chuck is probably dead and that means what if kronos and kelvin are dead#how is he gonna get back to hell alone and is HE going to get punished for it#but then kronos and kelvin show up and take vincie back to hell with the not breathing chuck#but its fine in the end bc the succubi bring him back to ... life ? question mark? anyway hes revived#but vincie does have a part where hes just crying in tollivers apartment bc he thinks hes gonna be punished#for not helping the other demons and then they died#but chuck dying is basically why kronos goes back to hell - he feels responsible (hes at fault so good for him to own up)#vincie is one of the very few demons who doesnt have dark sclera#chuck vincie and kronos all have black sclera while the succubi have gray#i dont think there was ever a reason for it tbh i should make up a reason#time to go lie down and not exist the rest of the night if i can avoid it
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in moments like these we do need to ask ourselves. does it even matter to dinah if she’s the best fighter in the world. is that what motivates her. is she at a point in her life where trying to prove herself and her abilities makes sense. is this not something we’ve already covered.
#text.tb#dinah does not by any means need to prove herself to anyone she’s already done that#if you want to do something interesting with her maybe we can look at the fact that everyone she knows has undergone huge monumental shifts#in their lives and relationships#and she’s the stable one and she’s always the stable one#and what does that Mean to be the one who is reliable and consistent and dependable now#esp when you have a history of being anything but#how do you come to terms with who you are instead of who you’ve been#she can’t just do whatever she wants. sin is back lian is back Ollie is constantly getting into trouble#Mia is re entering the superhero world roy CAME BACK FROM THE DEAD#Connor still hasn’t come out to Ollie. somehow.#and dinah is there. the one everyone loves and trusts and relies on.#what’s that like girl how are you doing#she can’t even necessarily turn to Babs for anything bc Babs is back in the field and also with dick all the time#like do you get what i mean. do you see what I’m saying.#she’s getting older. she HAS to be responsible whether she wants to or not.#the question isn’t what is she capable of but what does she WANT. TOM. !!!!!
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With mismag2 on the horizon I had a question for the culture:
Transfem Evan Kelmp is a wildly popular headcanon in the fandom and I was wondering where that hc originated for people? I imagine the answer is different depending on the person and I want to see why :)
I ask because I remember when the first season was initially airing the common gender hc for Evan was non-binary, but now it is overwhelmingly transfem.
#I’m sure it’s just cuz we all saw his princess moment in episode 4 and went ‘I know what u are’#but like I said when the season first came out it was mainly he/they headcanons that reigned supreme#(I admit I am asking this question because my bipolar delusions of grandeur are crediting ME with making the hc popular)#(so I need to get answers from the people to bring me back to reality)#(why do I feel responsible for the hc becoming popular? I’ll never tell 😉)#dimension 20#misfits and magic#mismag#d20 mismag#mismag 2#evan kelmp#transfem Evan kelmp
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UNIVERSITY FINANCIAL AID OFFICES CAN GO FUCK THEMSELVES
#they're refusing to release me refund (WHICH I USE TO PAY MY RENT) because they fucked up and refuse to admit it#im legally not allowed to work more tgan 15 hours/week bc im a full time student and im already working a 10/wk job at the school so#im fucked for rent this month#all i asked was 'hey guys!! why did you apply my grad plus loan to the summer session?? i didnt request that OR take summer classes?#also summer classes are over? why is my grad plus loan being applied there?'#and they said 'oh we'll fix it'#and their fix was CANCELLING MY LOANS ENTIRELY#EXCEPT#they CANCELLED THE WRONG LOAN#and THEY ARE REFUSING TO COMMUNICATE WITH ME WHEN I QUESTIONED THEM WHY THEY DID THAT#if they had just said 'oh yeah we fucked up but we'll fix it asap'#i'd be fine!!!!#BUT TO IGNORE ME????#my rent is due!!!!!!! i use my refund to pay my bills and yaknow SURVIVE!!!!!!!!#and they're just ignoring me!!!!#if i dont get a response back by friday morning im emailing everyone's boss and going full fuckin karen#DONT FUCK WITH MY MONEY!!!!!!!!!
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guy who sees the inherent weight of humanity and people present in fictional characters: yeah im normal about bringing characters to life by experiencing them through a meta-narrative that directly interacts with the creator and/or the observer why do you ask
#tmos talks#theres a follow line to the ideas i get and i cant quite put a word to it#like. dating sim where you trick the characters into revealing they remember the past runs and explore different responses to it#exploration game where if you go afk the main character will get bored and MOVE AWAY to interact with the world and other characters#+ will welcome you back once you press an input and apologize if they wandered off too far#some sort of dialogue experience where your companion has a memory inventory system and forgets conversations#'AI dating sim' where the AI in question is just a programmer who put their consciousness into a computer and is hiding that fact from you
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My Mom Is Cool
My mom is unfamiliar with the term "robofucker" and has probably not heard me say "robot porn" because i think i usually say Allen or just Transformer or something
Anyhow she just referred to one of my stories i was showing her the stats on (my mom likes following my author blog progress and she also sometimes reads the reviews with me we're silly yes) as Techno Smut and I
how was I today years old hearing that for the first time
I love it
I'm stealing it
T e c h n o s m u t
conversations I never thought I'd have with my mom, I adore her.
#Dat Rambles#Gigglesnort#My mom keeps asking when I'll release the next chapter of Travel Buddies#*profuse sweating*#(she doesn't nag me or anything she just asks every now and then and it's totally okay I'm just being dramatic)#Soon i swear#Maybe next month maybe next year I DUNNO I'M TRYING I SWEAR IS NOT READY YET#hnmnnnn#Also the story in question of course is Leaking Down#Her response when I showed her the cover art for Gladiators of Kaon:#“Ooh looks like a sci fi horror.”#And i was like:#*holding up a finger with mouth hanging open but nothing comes out*#*leading symbol*#*brain.exe reboot*#"Well shit you're right. But there's smut so like#It's a sexy horror book?#HOW DID I GET HERE I DON'T EVEN WATCH HORROR MOVIES I HIDE BEHIND THE COUCH#i want to say it's just dystopian but Cybertron has a history as fucked up as Earth's#I mean i can't look at Empurata and go “nah that's not horror” no really that's honestly REALLY FUCKED UP#anyhow#*sips tea*#Back to my bullshit I go
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i don't care how big a company is, the response to an employee asking for an advanced warning before they are affected by changes made by the company should never be "get used to it."
#my new manager on duty (bc apparently we have that now) said that there's gonna be a lott of changes happening around the shop..#and she expected me to just be like yay cool great lets get started?#like she was surprised when she came back and my face was kinda downcast?? as if i hadn't been driven to tears by the suddenness of this?#sometimes im like wow i really am not suited to funtion in society#but this is just one of those things that like.. why is this something i have to get used to when it makes so much more sense to just#warn people#giving people time to prepare can only have positive results? and its so not hard?#(i even asked point blank why our hours were changing. which was part of this whole shift. and one of my managers gave me ZERO actual answer#like she dodged that question like the plague and didnt even address the fact that she was after i repeated the question two more times.#like is it really that bad to give reasons??? surely reasons only make employees feel more responsible for the company they're working for?)#idk ugh#i just needed to rant sorry#jules talks (and talks)
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