#i get stuck in procrastination loops that not only keep me from getting work done but also affect my future mental and physical health

[beelzzzebub]

Storm clouds rolling in + Fleetwood Mac for optimal concentration and homework vibes

[bffsoobin]

lean on me

↳ finals week was looming and the world only continued to pile on. pushing the limits of the human brain became your new full time job as you tried to cram every piece of information into your head. one late night at the library becomes the straw that breaks the camel’s back and Taehyun comes to the rescue.

➤ slight angst, fluff, college!au

Word Count: 1,881

Requested?: yes

Warnings: self doubt and language!

A/N: I’m sorry if this isn’t reflective of what actual finals week feels like, lmao. I only had one finals week this year and I go to a liberal arts college where finals are “encouraged but not required”. Considering that, I tried my best to channel into my general stress from the week before winter break where all of my profs decided to have huge things due. Anywhooooo- the normal warnings that I didn’t proof read or edit apply here as always!

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The words on your notebook seemed to be running together more severely the longer you stared at them. You weren’t sure how long you had been trying to absorb the notes from your entire semester of lectures, but you felt as if you had been sitting in the desk chair for about five years. Rolling your shoulders back only relieved some of the tension in your muscles. With a heaving sigh, you made a shaky note in your planner to schedule with your chiropractor at the end of the week. 

Finals week was shaping up to kill you. It was Saturday night, but instead of partying or spending the night cuddled up with your boyfriend, you were melting your brain into mush in the library. In a futile attempt to soothe the headache stinging behind your eyes, you pressed the heel of your palm into your forehead. Nothing changed other than the amount of frustration bottled up inside your chest. When you had scheduled at the beginning of the semester, your advisor warned you against taking all of these classes at once. As you added up all the material you needed to review, you could see why she had seemed so spooked for you. 

Of course you had kept up all semester, but none of that seemed to matter right now as you were staring at two large presentations, three essays and two 3 hour long exams in the face. So that’s why you were here, occupying an entire table with highlighted notes and annotated textbooks. Truthfully, you had no clue what time it was as you pulled your computer closer to work on your presentation slides. For a class that you took as an elective, Art History has proven to be a complete pain in the ass. Clicking through your partially finished presentation, you suddenly became overwhelmed with the true gravity of the week ahead. All you wanted to do was crawl underneath the table and curl into a ball, but the nagging voice in the back of your mind reminded you that procrastinating would only make this week so much worse. 

With a sigh you settled further into your seat and steadied your hands on your laptop keyboard and waited for motivation to strike. Your fingers skimmed over the keys for a few seconds as you typed half a bullet point and deleted it, unhappy with the wording. You glanced over at your notes, searching for a certain statistic that you knew was hiding somewhere in the pages. Where the hell was it? Moving the notebook closer to your face didn’t give you the insight you hoped it would as you continued to struggle. Irritation had you pulling at the roots of your hair as you continued to scan the pages within the chapter you had chosen to report on for your final project. 

You whined quietly, knowing that your overtired eyes were keeping you from advancing through the one thing you had for sure wanted to accomplish tonight. 

“Fine,” you mumbled, “I guess I can just study for Chemistry.” The sound of your laptop snapping shut resonated through the sparsely populated library and made you cringe. Too lazy to actually pick up the hulking textbook, you simply pulled it toward you and watched the cover glide over the sleek library table. Fatigue was clawing at the back of your eyes, begging for you to succumb and lay down to drool on your much too expensive textbook. You fought off the urge with a quick swig of your iced coffee and a pinch to the fat of your cheek. 

You still weren’t sure how long you’d been studying, but you felt as if your brain was about to explode cartoon style all over the wall. Even your favorite vanilla iced coffee had done nothing to increase your awareness, as you found yourself stuck in the perpetual loop of rereading a single paragraph about how to do gram to mole conversions. In the back of your mind, you knew it was time to pack up and go home. It was only now that you heard the insistent humming of the fluorescent lights that dotted the ceiling sporadically. Your left eye twitched. It was time to admit defeat and make the walk back to your apartment. 

The night was surprisingly calm, and even in the late hour (early morning?) the air was infused with a comfortable warmth that made you feel a bit more at ease despite the looming tension headache you could feel. With the route memorized and your body set on the soft embrace of your bed, the walk back to your apartment was quick and easy. Once you stepped inside, you noticed lights on in the small kitchen and the low hum of a comedy special on the television. Your heart dropped into your stomach at the sound of hurried footsteps heading toward the front door. Taehyun. 

Your boyfriend stood in front of you, mouth open wide and eyes scrunched together in worry. An apology was already on the tip of your tongue before he began to speak. 

“Where have you been?” his words were saturated with a level of concern that made your heart crack like an eggshell. “I texted and called you all night! I was so worried, Y/N. Do you even know what time it is?” You noticed that his hair was ruffled and the way that half circles of darkness underlined his usually bright eyes before your brain could even register the weak timbre of his voice.

What you wouldn’t give to melt into your slightly scuffed wooden floors. At the mention of time, you dug into the front pocket of your bookbag until you found the piece of technology you had inadvertently ignored almost all day. In bright, glaring numbers it read 1:34. You winced at the time combined with the bundled up text and call notifications, all from Taehyun. 

“I’m so sorry,” your voice dwindled as the full weight of your mistake settled into your chest. The idea of Taehyun sitting around your shared apartment all night, alone and worrying about you, pulled a shaky sob from your chest. You risked a glance his way and soon became helpless to the dam of pent up emotions finally breaking down. “I didn’t,” you sucked in a shuddering breath, “mean to leave you hanging I-I just,” your voice runs dry and sticks in your throat as hot tears continue to streak down your cheeks. Taehyun’s feet, encased in the socks you had gotten him for your anniversary, entered your limited field of view before you felt his arms fastening around your shaking form. His familiar scent only sent you straight into even more upset.

“I was at the library studying all night and I forgot to tell you- god, how could I forget? I’m so sorry, Taehyun, I’ve just been so overwhelmed with all my finals and I was trying not to get distracted so I put my phone away-” Taehyun shushed you, carding through your hair with a careful hand as you cried into his sweater. 

“It’s okay, love. I was just worried that you were hurt, I’m not mad about it, I promise. I know you’re overwhelmed with finals,” he gently guided you toward your shared bedroom as you continued to gasp for air through your tears. 

“No! I was a bad girlfriend. You deserve to be mad at me! I could have just sent you a text but I was too stupid to even think about that,” you sniffled until you felt like your nose was no longer running. Taehyun tutted in disagreement as he finally sat you down against your plush pillows. 

“Do not ever,” he grabbed a tissue and wiped the most obvious tears off of your face, “say that you’re a bad girlfriend. You’re just forgetful sometimes. Focused on one thing at a time. I know that you’re worried about finals, and I didn’t mean to make you feel any worse,” he kept his gaze steady on you even as you felt the urge to look away. You knew he was right. Your stress had been mounting so high that the mere thought of Taehyun being upset with you had overfilled your glass. 

Taehyun turned away from you and for a second your breath stilled in your lungs. Was he actually mad? Was he collecting his thoughts before explaining all the scenarios he had worried over while you were gone? In the midst of your worrying, you had missed the way he rifled through your drawers to find you an outfit which he settled gently onto your lap. 

“Here,” his voice was impossibly soft, “get changed, you’ve been wearing that since we went for lunch earlier.” Like his words had casted a magic spell, you registered the uncomfortable pinch from the waistband of your jeans and got up to quickly change as he busied himself with pulling down the covers on your bed. He welcomed you into the bed with open arms that you readily crawled into. Admittedly, you still felt a bit like an awful person for not even texting him, but you knew there was nothing more you could say. Taehyun pulled you into his chest, intertwining your hands and wedging them between your bodies. 

The position was warm and intimate and helped to soothe the headache still vibrating behind your eyes. 

“You’re amazing, you know that, right?” his nose was only inches away from yours, and you couldn’t resist the urge to bump them together. A wide smile sprawled onto his face. “You’re going to do amazing on finals, love. You always do. My smart baby,” a deep blush bloomed across your cheeks. For as long as you’d known and dated Taehyun, he never failed to fluster you with the right words. Taehyun’s eyes crinkled at your reaction. 

“You’re my cute baby, too. You know what else I think about you?” His voice was lulling you into a sleep that you quite frankly hadn’t expected to come across so quickly. Lazily, you hummed in place of asking a question. 

“I think you’re my baby who deserves to give herself a day off. You can’t run yourself ragged all week, love,” he carefully untangled your hands laying between the two of you to drag his fingers over the sensitive skin of your cheeks. “I hate seeing you so worn out, especially this early in the week. It scares me,” your eyes fluttered back open at the shake in his voice. A new stream of tears snuck out of your eye without you noticing. 

“I’m sorry, Taehyun. I promise I’ll take tomorrow off. We can…” your mind blanked into a lovely fuzzy place as fatigue began to drag your eyelids down again. “I dunno, we can deal with that ‘morrow,” you offered weakly. Taehyun’s cool fingertips ghosted over your closed eyes as he hummed in agreement. He pulled you closer to his chest and you took the opportunity to tuck your face into his neck and sigh in content. A firm hand ran down the expanse of your back as all of your stress was carried away by peaceful slumber. No matter how crazy this week got, you knew you had Taehyun to lean on. 

[ellewords]

i literally only have one paragraph left to write for my last research paper, and suddenly all of the motivation i had the last few days has just completely vanished. i keep staring at the page, knowing i could get it done in no time at all, but then i just sit there and procrastinate on doing it because it’s only one (1) paragraph, it can wait just a little longer, right? but at the same time, i just want it done. i’m in an endless loop, and i hate it. so much, i hate it.

anyway, elle, my love, i hope school isn’t being too hard on you. you’re doing amazing, and i’m super proud of you! make sure to take breaks and take care of yourself. deep breaths, drink some water and have a snack! you deserve it! -🌙

awe moon anon ! thank you so much for dropping this in, i really needed these reminders today 🥺 it honestly means so so much <33

and aaaaah this is me yelling at you (supportively of course) to get that last paragraph done !! you are doing so well, and absolutely so close to finishing all your work !! i’m cheering for you from here with all my heart. i know you can do it !! i understand that feeling like you’re stuck in a loop, but relax and take a few breaths to reset and literally just force your brain to write 😣 i’m proud of you as well, last push moon anon! you’ve got this <333

[curioscurio]

i think i might have adhd- my therapist thinks so too, based on quote unquote 'anxiety symptoms leading to exhaustion' but im afraid to go to my doctor and ask about being diagnosed/gettings meds cause i also think people will just think im trying to get meds. did you have any symptoms that stood out particularly that turned about to be tied to adhd?? or how they affected you? tysm!!! 💕

Hey! Thanks for the ask! I'm still very new to the game myself so dont take my word as law but: I'm pretty sure that if your therapist believes you have ADHD then they can write you a refferal letter to show to your doctor, who then can either perscribe you medication or refer you to a psychiatrist that will do further screenings.

Most of my generalized anxiety stems from my adhd, especially time management, organization, executive dysfunction, and inability to focus on things that dont capture my interest.

Some things I noticed that directly aligned with adhd symptoms are that I have a very very hard time keeping my room clean. It would get so bad and I would never have any motivation to clean it and didnt get much satisfaction from it. It's gotten better recently in that while on meds, I can clean my room without getting distracted by (let's say an old sketchbook) things and spending hours invested in it. And I do feel much better knowing it wont be so hard next time I have to clean it either.

I am always late. Always. My time management would make me late to everything, especially college classes since I had to self manage getting around campus!! Even things that didnt have an immediate deadline I would put off until last minute or procrastinate until I was either rushing to get it done last minuite or give up on doing it entirely.

Also: homework is the bane of my existence. I could learn so much from a class and feel like I was really getting the subject, but never completing or turning in homework would always drag my grades down. Studying was impossible for me because I would sit and draw instead of taking notes and fooling myself into thinking that it was actually helping me focus! (That's just me, some people actually do focus better when drawing while listening!)

Executive dysfunction really makes doing anything so fucking hard sometimes lol and I realized that even though this very easy task would take 5 mins to complete I would still just. Not do it and then feel bad about it. I would always have an overwhelming feeling of guilt for not doing something that was easy and would help my life out!

Another huge thing was memorization. My memory is really the worst of my adhd because I always will forget what assignments are due when and also forget just general things that are very important. It's hard to keep certain thoughts like "remember to buy eggs" "moms birthday is xx/xx/xxxx" "I have already told this story to you?" In my head. They slip away so easily!! Also things like names and key info I will forget unless you're my good friend. In order to remember something I have to write it down physically somewhere that I can keep reminding myself.

Not finishing things maaaaaay be a symptom?? But basically I have this habit of almost finishing things like projects and TV shows and laundry and stuff. A girl gets distracted lol.

Hyperfocusing is also a huge part of adhd. I would spent hours on hours reading harry potter as a kid over and over, as well as watch a bunch of sailor moon (like all the seasons) and sit and draw for hours. Now I try and guide my hyperfocusing towards priority school work, but it honestly just makes whatever catches my attention the ONLY thing I'm thinking about for sometimes days on end.

And lastly for now, something I believe is adhd is having one lyric, word, or phrase stuck in your head on repeat for hours. Yesterday I spent 2 hours with Mrs. Incredibles line from the begining of the movie where she is washing Jack Jack in the sink "We are now OFICIIALY moved in" on loop. Like as soon as the line was over it would start again in my head and just happen over and over till I forgot about it LMAOOO

I hope this was helpful!!!

[beverlyfdole]

21 Quotes to Help You to Stop Overthinking (+ My 5 Favorite Tips)

One of the most common things that gets people stuck in inaction and in not doing what they deep down would like to is the destructive habit of overthinking.

You can overthink a small problem or challenge until it looks like a huge and undefeatable monster.

Or overthink something positive in your life until it doesn’t look so positive anymore.

And sometimes you may even be zapping a simple moment happening here right now out of all it’s joy and magic by overanalyzing and dissecting it.

I’ve done all three of those things. All too many times.

So in the first part of this week’s post I’d like to share 21 of the quotes that I’ve found the most helpful myself when I’ve gotten stuck in overthinking.

And in the second part I’d like to share 5 of my own favorite tips. The ones that have helped me the most to stop overthinking in the past 10+ years.

“Take time to deliberate, but when the time for action has arrived, stop thinking and go in.” – Napoleon Bonaparte

“Thinking too much leads to paralysis by analysis. It's important to think things through, but many use thinking as a means of avoiding action.” – Robert Herjavek

”Spend eighty percent of your time focusing on the opportunities of tomorrow rather than the problems of yesterday.” – Brian Tracy

“Rule number one is, don't sweat the small stuff. Rule number two is, it's all small stuff.” – Robert Eliot

“Don't get too deep, it leads to over thinking, and over thinking leads to problems that doesn't even exist in the first place.” – Jayson Engay

“You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.” – Martin Luther King, Jr.

“Don’t brood. Get on with living and loving. You don’t have forever.” – Leo Buscaglia

“If you treat every situation as a life and death matter, you’ll die a lot of times.” – Dean Smith

“Most misunderstandings in the world could be avoided if people would simply take the time to ask, “What else could this mean?” – Shannon L. Alder

“We can easily manage if we will only take, each day, the burden appointed to it. But the load will be too heavy for us if we carry yesterday's burden over again today, and then add the burden of the morrow before we are required to bear it.” – John Newton

”People become attached to their burdens sometimes more than the burdens are attached to them.” – George Bernard Shaw

“The more I think about it, the more I realize that overthinking isn't the real problem. The real problem is that we don't trust.” – L.J. Vanier

“When I look back on all these worries, I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened.” – Winston Churchill

“It's a good idea always to do something relaxing prior to making an important decision in your life.” – Paulo Coelho

 “Don’t wait. The time will never be just right.” – Napoleon Hill

“In a moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing to do, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.” – Theodore Roosevelt

“Worry is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do but never gets you anywhere.” – Erma Bombeck

“Trust the still, small voice that says, “this might work and I'll try it.” – Diane Mariechild

“Do not anticipate trouble or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight.” – Benjamin Franklin

“A year from now you may wish you had started today.” – Karen Lamb

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” – Mark Twain

How to Stop Overthinking: My Top 5 Favorite Tips

1. Use a reminder to save yourself from winding up there in the first place.

Staying aware of your negative habit and catching yourself as soon as you start falling into that trap of overthinking as you go about your day can be a big help.

But just trying to keep it in mind at work, in school or in your private life tends to not work that well in my experience. Because we forget all the time.

So what’s needed for this to work a lot better is a reminder.

When I focused on getting a handle on my own overthinking I used a whiteboard on the wall in my home office. The message I wrote on that board was this:

Keep things extremely simple.

This helped me greatly to more often and quicker snap out of overthinking and reduce the number of times that the destructive habit grabbed a hold on my thinking.

Two other kinds of effective reminders are in my experience:

A small note. Put a post-it or something similar with your reminder somewhere where you cannot avoid seeing it every day. You may even want make a few copies and put them in strategic places like your workspace, bathroom mirror and on the fridge.

A reminder on your smart phone. This is the kind of reminder that I use the most these days. I use the free Google Keep app and usually set a reminder to pop up 1-3 times a day to help me to stay on track.

2. Reframe the situation and see it from a wider view.

When you’re thinking and thinking about something then ask yourself:

Will this matter in 5 years? Or even in 5 weeks?

Zooming out in this way will help you to see things with clearer eyes and from a more level-headed perspective.

It will help you to not let medium-sized issues become something that causes more stress or concern than is necessary.

And to more quickly let go of situations where you’re honestly making a hen out of a feather (or out of simply nothing) and to not waste any additional energy on them.

3. Get out of your own head.

When you’re stuck in your own head and thoughts then it can be hard to break out of an overthinking loop about something.

A simple solution that works well but can be a bit counter-intuitive is to then direct your focus fully outward instead of inward.

Two good ways to get outside your own head are:

Help someone else out. Listen and encourage someone close to you that is in a negative situation. Help a friend to plan for a party or for an upcoming meeting or date. Or help out physically by for example lifting moving boxes as your friend is moving into a new house.

Exercise. I find that lifting weights or going somewhere on my bicycle and simply focusing on the exercise and my surroundings and nothing more to be a great way to get out of my own head and to find new energy and a sharper focus once again.

4. Simply small step it.

If overthinking becomes a way to procrastinate or to not face the fear of getting out of the comfort zone you’re in then small step it.

Find just one small or tiny step you can take to move forward. One small action that takes 1-5 minutes. Do that and focus only on that one step until you’re done.

This will get you moving, build momentum and often leads to more small steps being taken (as the first step is most often the hardest one).

5. Just realize and accept that you can’t control everything.

Not even if you think a situation through 50 times or more.

To try to control everything or cover any possible eventuality through overthinking so you don’t risk making a mistake or looking like a fool can be appealing. It has sometimes been the biggest reason for why I’ve thought things through all too many times.

But I’ve also learned that accepting that it simply doesn’t work is the honest truth. To prepare and plan is helpful but going overboard with it isn’t.

A better and healthier way forward is in my experience to understand that making mistakes, failing and sometimes looking like a fool is natural part of stretching your comfort zone.

It has happened to everyone that has wanted to live life fully and to anyone you may admire.

And for most of them those experiences have been very valuable.

Because such situations have helped to them to learn game-changing lessons, to grow and are often invaluable ingredients to their success.

[straykidsreactions]

Reaction To: Their S/O Giggling

S T R A Y   K I D S   R E A C T I O N   T O : Hearing their significant other laughing in a cute way

Set Up: It wasn’t a particularly special day, your boyfriend (member’s name) had invited you over to the dorms on one of his off-days to hang out with him. You’d planned on going out at some point so you wouldn’t be stuck in the dorm all day- but the weather had other plans, so the two of you decided to watch movies and hang out all day. 

Genre: Fluff

Chan:  While it as technically true that the boys had been given the day off, you found out too little too late that Chan didn’t seem to abide by technicalities. Of course he had planned on taking the day off to go out and do things with you all day, as deep down he really was in need of a well-deserved break, but when bad weather hit that stuck the two of you in the dorm all day there was no denying that Chan felt like he was procrastinating every second that he wasn’t working on new music. It had started out harmless enough, the two of you were watching a movie on the couch in the living room and Chan had brought a note pad and pencil to intermittently scratch down a few lyrics here and there, but as the hours progressed the movie was shut off and Chan had crumpled to a ball on the living room floor, surrounded by lyric and melody sheets as he played out a few intro notes on a portable keyboard while working on a song that probably wouldn’t be on an album for a handful of years. While there was no denying that you loved spending time with your boyfriend, and admired him for all the hard work he did- you had to admit that you were a little bored out of your mind. You’d taken to scrolling through funny posts online to amuse yourself, when you came across one that you’d seen before but couldn’t help laughing at.

*giggling at the online post on your phone, covering your mouth with your hand to quiet your laugh so as not to disturb your boyfriend*

“What’s so funny?”

*amused, a smile playing on his lips as he turns away from his papers- coming back into reality*

“Nothing, Channie, just a dumb internet thing- did I interrupt you?”

*smiling at you and your adorable laugh and sincere apology, realizing that he’d been ignoring you all day*

“You know what? Not at all. I’m done writing for the day. What do you wanna do, Y/N? Another movie? Hmm? Maybe some snacks? Anything you want- let’s do that.”

Minho: When your outdoor plans got cancelled due to rain, you and Minho decided to spend the day binge watching shows together, snuggled up on the couch together. He’d even given you some of his sweatpants and an over-sized hoodie for you to wear so you could be more comfortable. After a few hours in comfort wear, snuggled up with what seemed like a million pillows and blankets, you could feel yourself begin to grow sleepy- despite the fact that it was the middle of the day. When you turned to face your boyfriend, you couldn’t help but smile at the fact that he’d already dozed off. When you gently ran your hand through his hair to wake him up, he opened his eyes and sat up, still clutching the pillow he’d fallen asleep with. As he began to speak in his gravelly voice after just waking up, you couldn’t help but giggle at how sweet your boyfriend sounded. I think out of all the members, hearing you giggle for him would be something he’d want to savor and appreciate. He wouldn’t really be one to laugh alone with you or lovingly tease you like some of the other members, more than anything it’d be a subtle reminder to him at how amazing you are to him- even if it was from something as simple as a sweet laughter.

*blushing as you giggle, all too aware of Minho’s thoughtful stare, giving him a questioning look*

“Oppaaa/Hyunggg, why’re you staring at me like that?”

*smiling softly to himself at how adorable you were being*

“Nothing, Y/N...just...let me look at you a little longer, before I got back to sleep.”

Changbin:  As much as Changbin loved going out on dates with you, when the bad weather hit and you suggested spending the day together watching movies and eating snacks- he couldn’t have been happier. It was rare that he got to do nothing at all, but to do nothing at all with you? That was the perfect day for him. The two of you had spent the majority of your day that far eating snacks and talking casually between each other and unlike Woojin, Changbin would be quick to shew Chan out of the room if he offered to set up the board games. Somewhere in the midst of the conversation and playful banter you’d mentioned that you thought you could rap better than Changbin- which he immediately took as a challenge. Since he planned on going easy on you he let you go first and pick any song you wanted, but nevertheless it was only a few bars before your words slurred together in the painfully fast-paced beat. Changbin tried his absolute best not to start laughing at your feeble attempt, but after you accidentally switched out two similar sounding words with very different meanings, he couldn’t help but burst out laughing. You playfully gave him a light shove, knowing of course that he was the better rapper, but liking the challenge nonetheless. As he laughed and smiled at you, you couldn’t help but giggle at how ridiculous you’d sounded. Changbin’s whole face would light up even more at this, and he’d become such a flustered mess at your adorable fit of laughter.

*giggling hysterically as you leaned back against the couch which the two of you were both sitting on sideways*

“Aiiisshhh, Jagi! Stop acting so cute like that!”

*laughing even more at his silly comments as he cheeks started to flush red*

“I’m not being cute, Binnie!”

*smiling wide as he leaned forward, giving you a light flick on your arm as payback for teasing him*

“Yah- you’re gonna give Oppa/Hyung a heart attack at this rate! I can’t take it!”

Hyunjin: Hyunjin had been a bit shy when you suggested hanging out at the dorm instead of going out in the bad weather. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to spend the day with you, but the two of you had never really hung out for long periods of time at the place that was essentially his house, so he spent a lot of time cleaning up around you during the first hour or so of you being there. You’d assured him several times that he didn’t need to try so hard, and that you’d still love him regardless of how the dorm looked- but it didn’t stop his ears from tinting red every time he noticed a stray article of clothing laying around, or food sitting out in places it shouldn’t. After a while, you gave in to the idea that you’d get him to stop awkwardly cleaning, and offered to help him straighten up a bit as long as he promised to relax and watch movies with you after. He’d reluctantly agreed as the two of you proceeded to strike up a casual conversation whilst essentially cleaning to living room. You’d picked up a few stray pairs of shoes and excess pens you’d put back in their rightful place, before stumbling across a big pile of notebook paper covered in scribbles and notes that looked something like lyrics. Raising an eyebrow curiously, you held up the sheets in Hyunjin’s direction, asking if you should give these back to Chan because you’d assumed they were his. When Hyunjin’s face flushed bright red and he started speed-walking towards you, you realized they were more than likely his.Gasping as you began to flip through the notes, you began to skim through the lyrics while darting away from your adamant boyfriend as he attempted to get his sheets back from you. While dashing around the large couch, you read over a few choice lines that described a date exactly like one you’d had with Hyunjin in the past, and realized that maybe the lyrics he’d been working on had been about you. You stopped dead in your tracks, smiling as you handed him back his lyric sheets, Hyunjin blushing like crazy as he stuffed them into a nearby folder.

“You weren’t supposed to read those, Jagi...they’re not even good, I just-”

You couldn’t help but blush and giggle at what a lovable dork he was being, wrapping your arms around him in a tight embrace that startled him. He’d immediately get shy and awkward about your sweet giggles that were muffled by his chest pressed against your face, blushing even more than he already was as an endearing smile washed over his face.

“I know I’m not a great writer...but I felt like you deserved a song about you.”

*giggling softly as you lift your head to look into his eyes, arms still wrapped around his torso*

You know you don’t have to do that for me, Hyunjinnie?”

*smiling as he took in the sight of your adoring eyes, listening to your perfect little laugh that he couldn’t help but become infatuated with*

“You’re too much Jagi...wahhh...what am I gonna do with you?”

Jisung: All the members, along with you and Jisung, had decided to get take-out and eat lunch together at the dorm since the weather was so awful. While you were happy to spend some casual time with all the guys, it wasn’t hard to tell that Jisung was a little dejected by the fact that your date-day had turned into hanging out with 8 extra people. He joined in the conversation from time-to-time, but for the most part he was quietly eating his food while playing around with games on his phone as the rest of you conversed. You wanted to make him feel included, but after Hyunjin started chatting with you and the two of you struck up a conversation it was difficult to keep checking in on your slightly pouty boyfriend. You’d been chatting for a while with Hyunjin about nothing in particular, when you glanced over towards Jisung who was already staring in your direction. You couldn’t help but feel your heart sink a bit as he bit his lip nervously and glanced back down at his food, clearly not wanting to interrupt you. You smiled softly to yourself as excused yourself from your chat with Hyunjin, scooting closer to your boyfriend as you gently looped your arm through his, smiling up at him from you seat beside him on the floor. He glanced over at you and smiled slightly as you craned your neck a bit to whisper in his ear.

*whispering in his ear as the other members chatted around you*

“Oppa/Hyung, you know I love you right?”

*blushing as he playfully rolled his eyes*

“You’re such a dork, Y/N.”

You couldn’t help but giggle at this, throwing your head back and making sure the laughter was loud enough for the other members to notice, in hopes of cheering up Jisung by showing that no matter who you chatted or hung out with- he would always be your #1. Jisung immediately broke into a giggly smile as well at this, completely aware of what you were doing and having no problems with it whatsoever. The other members smiled, rolling their eyes teasingly at what an obnoxiously adorable couple the two of you made.

Felix: Felix would be so incredibly over-the-top when you started giggling. It’d all started when Felix suggested the two of you play some video games a few hours ago, and you’d been beating him ever since. It wasn’t your fault that you had a knack for this particular game and Felix didn’t, but everytime you beat him you playfully offered to switch games to something he was better at. Being the light-hearted boyfriend that he is, however, he refused to change games just so he could be better than you, insisting that he’d get better with time. As it turned out, a few hours later you were still 100 times better than him, and beating him was starting to get a little dull. Felix’s light-hearted nature would turn into fierce competitiveness as he chuckled good-naturedly, refusing to give in until he’d won at least once. A part of you wanted to let him win just so you could switch to a different game, but you’d been together too long and he knew you too well to get away with slacking off. Finally, after what seemed like forever, he agreed to play one last round where he was certain he’d finally beat you at the game. A the end of the round, however, you still won despite Felix’s best attempt. When he started laughing, lighting tossing the controller on the coffee table, he’d polp himself down on the floor to sigh in mocking frustration. You couldn’t help but giggle at this, unaware that your charming laugh would completely take Felix’s mind off losing.

“Ugghhh- just when I thought nothing would make me smile! How can you be cruel and so cute at the same time, Y/N!?” 

*only giggling even more at his extreme exaggeration, pushing him lightly and teasing him as you rolled your eyes*

“I’m just trying to make you feel better babe! You’re so much cuter when you’re smiling than when you’re being a sore loser!”

*falling backwards onto the floor as he pretends your teasing insults mixed with the overwhelming emotions from your adorable laugh were too much for him to handle*

Seungmin: Laughter like yours and Seungmin’s was contagious, so when the two of you picked a comedy to watch on T.V. you knew you were in for fits of hysteric laughter. While he’d probably never admit it, Seungmin had picked a comedy in part because he knew how they made you laugh- and laughs like your could light up his whole world. The other members had even given the two of you nicknames- Mr. and Mr./Mrs. Sunshine Laugh. They playfully joked that the two of you had laughs that could brighten up anyone’s day, and despite Seungmin’s outward display of being bothered by the silly nicknames, the reality was that he thought they were adorable and well suited for your relationship. He loved that you were like a ray of sunshine to him, and he’d do anything he could to hear your adorable laugh. You were only a handful of minutes in before you were laughing hysterically, your arms draped leniently around his shoulders as you giggled against the side of his arm where you’d buried your face. Seungmin couldn’t help but blush at your adorable giggle and cuddly nature, laughing along with you. After a minute or so, the two of you wouldn’t really even be laughing at anything in particular- more than anything you’d just fall into a fit of laughter that couldn’t be helped. As you let out a loud giggle, Seungmin would burst into a final spurt of chuckles as he threw his head back and smacked his hands together frantically. 

*doubled over and breathing heavy from stomach cramps caused by his fit of laughter*

“Yah, Jagiya! You have to...stop...laughing like...that!”

*smiling as you rub his back gently to help him get his breathing back to normal*

“I can’t help it, Seungminnie!”

*smiling shyly at you as his laughter dies down, giving you a quick kiss on your forehead*

“I know, Y/N...I’m glad you can’t. Your laugh is my favorite.”

Jeongin: You and Jeongin had been playing card games all day, sitting cross-legged in the middle of the living room floor on top a mountain of pillow the two of you had created. You were teaching him a new, semi-complex card game after a few hours of go-fish and he was having a hard time picking up the rules. You were going easy on him since he was just learning the rules, and you were playing through a practice round as the rain came down outside the dorm you’d be stuck in all day. The other guys had been hanging out around the dorm with the two of you as well, popping in for a game here or there, but at the moment it was just the two of you playing. Jeongin had actually been doing fairly well in the game as you cheered him on, falling into an outburst of giggles only when he accidentally played a card that would benefit you instead of him. He squeezed his eyes shut in momentary embarrassment as his mistake, opening them as his face fell into a cheerful grin as he listened to your adorable laughter ring out through the large room. 

*rolling back onto the pillows behind you as you clutched Jeongin’s hand instinctively, laughing teasingly at his mess-up*

“Aiisshh, was it that bad of a move, Y/N?” 

*blushing as you sit back upright and give him a quick peck on the cheek*

“Maybe a little, babe...”

*laughing as he squeezes your hand a little tighter, teasing you now*

“Good, I’ll have to mess up more often then. Hearing you laugh is worth losing!”

A/N: Thanks for requesting, darling! Imagining these made me so happy oml 💕 sorry these got kinda long I hope you don’t mind!

(gifs not mine- dimensions changed; cre. to owners)

Requests open~

[sarkerink]

People Gazing

24th August 2019

I have always loved writing, the feeling of the pen while it skims over the page leaving an ever-lasting imprint on the path to an unknown end.

I have not always been good at writing but today I have discovered that I like it. Teachers would always encourage my creative side more which made me feel as if I was never good enough in my writing. I recall back in secondary school, my A level philosophy teacher advised me to stay away from studying philosophy further, even though I had the highest grade in the class so instead I opted to study Film and Drama. Over the years writing has come in and out of my life but not something that I stuck to, with these entries I'd like to change that.

Today, 24th August 2019 I travelled alone outside of the UK. My first solo trip to Amsterdam, something I have always been too afraid to do. As I sit in the city centre smoking a joint, I am quickly starting to realise that I am letting go of self-judgement. Who would have thought it, I, (insert name) am quickly becoming content with my own company?

Is it possible to calm the Anxiety, calm down the self-judgment and feel less anxious? Fear has always been the root cause of my anxiety, like an event horizon of a black hole, an unwilling pull, dragging me towards the feeling of uncertainty and self-doubt. Fears live within the core of my mind every day and it's time that I understand the source and substance of what they hold. Is it possible to bend the fabric of time, travel back and heal the scars within my mind? Fear can come in many forms, we are not born with them, yet they are the building blocks to which help build our charter, personality, and ideology. I wonder more so than ever if I could possibly revisit the past and begin to let go of the things that cause my Anxiety and Depression.

I'm starting to understand that the general population of people do not do things because they do not enjoy it, rather they do it because it makes them feel good. They are not sitting waiting for things to change without actually doing the work, nor wasting time sitting and going over the same old thoughts and fears. They let go, move on and are doing things because it makes them happy and that's what I need to learn to do for myself. Much easier said than done when your brain has been developed and programmed to think and feel otherwise. Anxiety causes me to either stay in a loop going round and round with the same thought process, or I get the upbeat high, which normally consist of a multitude of completed tasks in a short period of time. Both these moods can have a down beat tone of self-destructive behaviour which is normally presented in the form of Procrastination. Achieving a lot of small daily tasks but ignoring the more complex needs and wants from life.

I am experiencing a feeling of contentment right now as I sit and people gaze. Although it has not been many hours since landing from the UK, I am becoming less fearful of being alone...What is this feeling of contentment and being present, not fearing the scary thoughts or fears. Perhaps it’s just the joint kicking in and suddenly the world seems like a much nicer place to be or perhaps its Amsterdam!

Writing gives me the freedom not to think about anything and just be one with my inner thoughts, allowing the words to quietly indent themselves on the pages leading the narrative of what's to come as if in a meditative state - enabling me to slow down and allow the process of thought and wonder to begin.

Today marks what I hope is the beginning of self-discovery and exploration with a focus on wanting to understand my condition, General Anxiety disorder and Depression. I'm on this trip for one reason and one reason only, I need to begin healing and putting back some of the broken parts to my heart, I can't continue to keep losing in love, or having relationships break down. I've lost so much of late, and this journey will aid in finding peace in the events that had taken place just a few months ago.

I need to understand and learn to move on from the things I have no control over. In order for me to do this I must face my fears and stop ignoring the past otherwise I'll never be happy or be able to move on from it.

I was just approached by the waiter in the café. I can only describe this place as one of Amsterdam’s beauties, the tables are tiny and the chairs just as tiny but for what they lack in size they make up in amazing bright vibrant Mosaic colours. The café and seating area lay in between a fork in the cobbled road. His curiosity leads him to ask what I was writing, as we exchange words, he begins to tell me his journey just a few weeks ago where he details the overwhelming feeling of peace when he wrote his thoughts down while traveling solo across Europe. If my heart could have jumped out it would have as he described the very emotion and reason I was there.

[sarah-pacario]

We are spiritual and emotional.

All of our feelings matter!!!

If we pretend that they don’t matter that is me abandoning myself!

You don’t realize you do this until you reach a really low point in life!

You may not want to wake up most mornings!!!

You get mad you woke up!

You don’t value self! Don’t believe you have a place it’s purpose in this world!

Or the world is better because your unit!

Living doesn’t matter no one would notice if I were gone! No one would care… when you think this way you begin to act in ways that it doesn’t feel good!

You don’t encourage or comfort motivate talk nice … you start to numb you don’t go after goals… you don’t take action to it…

We all have gut instincts six sense! Over think talk self out or let other people talk for you, taking others advice on…

Peoplepleaseing fawning response ! Seeking external validation from others! People pleasing becomes an identity!

My roll is to do for others wear a mask and lock in your feelings… surrounded by walls,

Leads yo perfectionism! For self… never feel worthy external validation from parents they never got!

Ificant do perfectly I won’t start!

Procrastination- once you start but it’s it’s never perfect … you judge and mean things to self! It yells the loudest when you aren’t doing well.

Your needs are just as valid as theirs! Feel unworthy of taking care of self! Honoring your needs!

Suppress push down your feelings! Drugs alcohol work self abandonment rejection off alignment! Core values are off!

Going against your beliefs!

You feel stuck!

Tighten throat constructed tightened can’t ask for help!

Where does this come from? Childhood!

How to survive through it!

Emotional needs were abandoned seen not heard over time builds up in core you are unlovable and unworthy!

As adults we repeat child like behavior!

Eventually it catches up to you later in life!!!

I tried so hard to not be like parents!

14:00 You don’t know how to be there for yourself! Loved ones , your family, maybe you provide but your not there for them… your just repeating what you learned!!!

Children depend on adults!! DEPENDANT on emotional things… so when lived in unpredictable or unstable abusive environment you learn to hide your true self parts of you… the bad parts had to go and hide… because those were the parts of you if they came out would be punished! So you hid those parts and only showed the good parts.. so you were never able to be genuine authentically you!! Do you act like this familiar and you hide and do what ever to keep the peace!!!

Walk into a room to be who ever you need to be to avoid put down emotional pain rejection ridicule and if you feel that that’s self abandonment and you learn to suppress and push down your needs, thoughts, emotions and you learn your self worth depends on what you do… accomplish, and what you do and accomplish is never enough!!! No matter how vast how great and you learn you don’t deserve love, compassion , forgiveness, you don’t deserve inner peace , freedom,

The self abandonment rejection is a pattern!! Cycle negative loop you get stuck in middle of causing depression, low self esteem, unsatisfied relationships and anxiety.

CORE ROOT : All are symptoms and at the core is self abandonment!!!

It might have been what you had to do when you were younger… to protect self to be safe.

It might’ve been what you had to do when you were younger to protect yourself to be safe but you’re not a child anymore it’s not helpful anymore it’s not giving you the life that you want anymore a for filling life satisfying life. So in order to break out of that and value yourself and trust yourself there’s some inner work that needs to be done. Get to where did this come from what is this and break out of this cycle and break out of this pattern safe to open up your heart safe to open up yourself without fearing you’re going to hurt other people.

Other people you look up to have healthy boundaries and they tell you how they feel they say no all while being respectful

they say thank you very much but I’m not available right now. 

They stay true to themselves

[fanfictrashdump]

Queening a Pawn, 21

If you’re new: this is my procrastination fic. It is what I drabble around with when I’m being my worst self, and ignoring all my other WIPs and responsibilities! Enjoy!

X

Summary: During the Time Heist, Loki stole the Tesseract and escaped. He did not expect, however, to be pulled through a Time Loop that delivered him to a Midgard more than a decade older, wiser, and bitterer. Having just lived through his unsuccessful attack in New York, Loki must learn to live in Midgard after the defeat of Thanos (post-Endgame). The question is, who is Loki without a quest for a throne or total domination?

Pairings: Loki x OC

Warnings: Language, suggestive themes, one (1) stuck shapeshifter, threat of stabbing, and flooooff

=

"Hey, Reindeer Games. How's the amplifier working?" Tony asked, his hologram joining Loki as he carried a covered bundle towards the trash shoot.

"I destroyed the toaster."

Tony scrunched up his nose, lowering his yellow-tinted glasses to stare at the bundle which turned out to be the defunct toaster. "What? How?"

"I gestured to press the lever, like I do every morning and it exploded," he explained, carefully. A large grin blossomed on his face. "It's bloody brilliant."

"Er… does Honeybun know you're blowing stuff up around the compound, or…?"

"She's scrubbing out the scorch marks from the granite, as we speak." Opening the shoot door, he tossed the hunk of metal into the metal recycling pile. "It's a lot more intuitive than I was expecting. I think I might have to work on subtlety of intent."

"You do that. Just… try not to burn down the place and maybe don't accidentally kill your girl." Tony called after Loki who turned around, walking backwards with a mischievous smirk until disappearing from view.

He turned the corner and waltzed into Delilah's apartment, stopping to rest against the wall to observe her. She had gotten up onto the countertop on her hands and knees and was scrubbing the surface within an inch of its life to lift the dark grey singed streaks. Loki's grin only grew wider as he watched her body cant back and forth with the scrubbing of her brush.

"Stop looking at my ass and help, Mischief." Delilah had yet to turn around to gaze at him.

"Stop distracting me, then," he complained, pouting just the slightest, considering the possibility of using his magic to erase away–

"What did you do?" The scrubbing had stopped and Lilah sat up on her heels.

Loki's face pinched in a frown, cutting the space between them in two long strides. "Pardon?"

"It's gone. What did you do?" She watched Loki flounder for about a minute for an explanation before she sighed. "Maybe you should take the amplifier off whenever you aren't specifically using it."

The Asgardian snorted, rolling his eyes. "My wedding band? Sure, you can pry it out of my cold, dead hands when I'm done with it."

"And here I thought you wouldn't take the suggestion seriously," she retorted, deadpan.

His thumb and forefinger took hold of her chin, forcing her eyes on him. "I am deadly serious. You can take it off when I'm due for Valhalla and not a moment sooner." He eased away the frown on her lips with a kiss. It was a simple gesture, but he was fairly confident that she couldn't technically be angry with him if he was being cute. "Shall I make you breakfast now, darling?"

"Can you keep from burning down my apartment?"

Loki rolled his eyes, every bit a petulant child. "Even if I did, we both know there is no reason for us to have separate residences." His easy confidence shrunk significantly at her look. "Never mind," he mumbled with a pout, turning to dig through the refrigerator for eggs, butter and milk.

Delilah pulled out a large metal prep bowl and a griddle. Setting the bowl next to Loki, she put the griddle on the stove and set it to heat. Loki smiled to himself, a small shiver of delight running down his spine at their familiarity. They never had a problem operating around each other, to begin with. Still, Loki liked to think that as their relationship evolved, the way they danced around with one another also improved. He quietly whisked at the batter he was preparing, adding flour bit by bit while he distractedly watched her wash and cut a bunch of fruit with sharp, precise knifework.

Einherjar wandered into the kitchen, jumping into one of the stools at the kitchen island to watch his humans cook. He mewled delicately and Loki smirked. "No, Einherjar. How dare you suggest that your mother's angry?" Another mewl. Loki feigned a surprised gasp. "Are you saying that she is being difficult for the hell of it? Bad kitten!" The kitten pawed at Loki, as if he was protesting the use of his meows to wind his caretaker up. "I cannot believe you, Ein. This woman has given you a home, a warm bed, food–and this is how you treat her!"

"Leave him alone, Lo," she admonished, though there was a grin poised on her lips. She leaned her face close to the kitten's, giggling when the massively fluffy face rubbed against her own with a loud purr. "Good baby."

"I can purr, too, you know." He glanced over his shoulder at them as he ladled pancake batter onto the warmed griddle.

Only a delighted giggle came as response. Einherjar was licking a long stripe on her cheek, one of his paws balancing him against her shoulder. "Oh, I know, baby. Loki is just grumpy."

"I am not!" He muttered under his breath, flipping the first round of pancakes.

"Case and point," she whispered, running her fingers through the kitten's fur and smiling. "Go give your dad some love," she whispered and the kitten wasted no time in trailing over the countertop before taking a flying leap onto Loki's back, scaling his jumper and onto his shoulder.

The loud rumble tickled at Loki's ear, and he could not keep the feigned frown on his face for very long. He surrendered to a chuckle, reaching up with his free hand to scratch the kitten under the chin and say soft things to it under his breath. The duo remained in their positions, much to Delilah's delight, for as long as it took Loki to make several pancakes for the both of them.

It had surprised her the first time he had shown any sort of prowess in the kitchen, but cooking was as much of an art as it was a science. And Loki was nothing if not careful and precise. Nowadays, he commanded the kitchen with such an ease that she could have sworn that he had been a Midgardian in another life.

Taking hold of a platter stacked high with cakes, he turned back to the kitchen island. The pancakes were placed next to the fruit and warmed syrup at once. Loki clicked his tongue twice, and Einherjar leapt into his open arms without a hint of hesitation before the god set him down on the floor.

"Good boy, Einherjar," he muttered, a piece of bacon mysteriously making its way to the floor with a smirk.

"Then you dare say I'm the one spoiling him."

"You are the one spoiling him. I simply reward good behavior."

"Making him a special piece of bacon requires premeditation, Loki Odinson." Her tone was deadpan, though there was a tender edge to her voice and sparkling gaze.

He didn't respond, opting instead for dropping into one of the stools and dragging her into his lap. Lately, it had not been uncommon for them to choose to stay in during meal times, enjoying the quiet and as sitting close together as they wished. More often than not, that meant she ended up in his lap and they would share a plate of food between them and kiss lazily until either of them was needed at work.

"Pygmy puff?" Tony's voice over the PA system sounded apologetic.

"Yeah, Tony?"

"When you're done with breakfast, can you deal with the shambles that is Receiving's. They messed up their ledgers, again and even I can't figure out what the fuck they were trying to do." He sighed, resigned. "No need to rush, though. I know you and Bambi are doing the whole cutesy thing."

Delilah giggled through a mouthful of pancakes and strawberries. "I'll deal with it. I think I've got their system figured out by now." A bit of syrup dribbled from the fork she was offering Loki over her shoulder, and he promptly licked it off her neck with a satisfied hum, making her gasp.

"Thanks, babe!" There was an awkward stretch of silence. "Are you two…?"

"No, but I would like to, Stark," Loki interrupted with a wicked grin.

"Understood. Use protection!"

"Oh, shut up!" Delilah irrupted. "I'll be by Receivings in a bit if you want to warn them to get their shit together before I get there."

"I thought we were spending the day together."

She sighed, smoothing her hand down the sharp planes of his cheekbones and trying to lessen the valleys that formed with the dejected question. "We are. This will only take a few minutes, I promise." The sea glass of his eyes had lost a bit of lustre. "Ten minutes, babe. Twenty, tops."

"That's alright. You have a job to do. I understand." His accompanying smile looked more like a grimace. Delilah caught her breath several times, as if she was poising herself to speak, but opted for slanting her lips to his and hopping off his lap.

When she left the bathroom, free of syrup and pancake bits, her living room was eerily empty. On the floor, Einherjar hopped around a bundle, gently pawing at the dark material as he purred loudly. It wasn't until she was near enough the bundle that an angular head, a little smaller than her fist, twisted toward her and tasted the air with forked tongue.

With a gasp, she snatched the kitten away, stumbling backwards onto the carpet and scrambling back. Her widened eyes remained glued on the snake as she shuffled. It wasn't obscenely large–it was about the average size you would get from a pet store. Its scales were an opalescent charcoal, though it bore a ring of deep golden on its neck that looked vaguely familiar, as did its bright jade eyes.

Delilah felt insane when the question bubbled past her lips. "Loki?" The snake tilted its head in what she could only imagine was amusement. The beast slowly uncoiled, slithering steadily up to her leg and starting to climb onto her cherry red Doc Marten boots before twisting around her leg. When she whimpered, it stopped completely, resting its head down on her thigh and waiting patiently for her approval. "Loki!" She called a little louder, in case he was hiding somewhere else. There was no response, other than the snake brushing its muzzle against her thigh and Einherjar's struggle to get loose and rub against the reptile.

Heart in her throat, she shuffled onto her feet, smoothing down the old My Chemical Romance t-shirt over herself with shaking hands. The snake ventured upwards, winding up around her arm to pull itself to a more comfortable spot. Though still terrified, Delilah could not help but appreciate the delicate skill it took for the creature to wind up her body and rest itself around her shoulders.

"I suppose this means you want to come with me," she whispered, and the snake responded with a tickle of its forked tongue over her neck. "You better behave, Lo."

No one had really batted an eye at the fact that she was walking the halls with a rather large snake twined round her neck, but she could tell it made the men in Receivings uncomfortable. Still, she had not acknowledged the new addition when she greeted the four older gentlemen who dealt with the incoming packages and goods.

The head of the department, Frank, was the first to crack. "Cute. You got a problem with cats and dogs, Lilah?"

She laughed, shaking her head. "No. I like them just fine. I have a kitten. Why do you ask?"

"New pet?"

A smirk graced her lips and she shrugged. "Of sorts, I guess." Carl, one of the newer employees, reached out to stroke the snake's tail. Delilah caught Loki's head when she felt him twitch to strike and blindly rubbed her thumb under his chin. He settled down immediately, hiding his face in the crook of her neck. "Done soon," she whispered.

"When are you going to leave that Asgardian clown and let me treat you like a real lady?" It was Frank again. He had a bad habit of shamelessly flirting with her whenever she had to come fix their issues. She secretly thought that they mucked up their ledgers every other week just to get Delilah to come over. Thankfully, she had long learned the pattern of their disruption, and fixing the books was a piece of cake.

Loki had not dared attack the man for the comment, but his face had migrated to the shoulder nearest the old man. His green gaze had become fixed to his, to the point that it was making the other uncomfortable.

"That a gift from him? I hear he can talk to creatures. Maybe that's why that thing is so freaky."

"Lady Lilah! There you are!" Thor's friendly voice boomed down the corridor as he bounded over. "You look radiant as ever!" He patted her back and made her sway forward indelicately, but his infectious smile drew one of her own.

"Thank you, Thor. What can I help you with?"

"Can Barnes and I acquire permission to take the children to the outer grounds?"

Delilah nodded, putting down the StarkPad containing the Receivings ledger, after all its contents got uploaded into the cloud. "Anywhere you want, as long as they are on facility grounds. So, no forest, OK?"

"Many thanks," he offered, rustling her hair. The shift of her hair brought attention to the glistening black scales across her shoulders. "Oh, brother, I had not seen you there! It's been years since you've opted for a snake's form!"

Frank, whose eyes were still hostage to Loki's, blanched. "What!?"

"Oh, he's a snake now? I thought he was still a chameleon!" She fibbed, finally turning her neck to watch Loki dance slightly on her shoulder. Her hand ran up the shiny scales of his spine and rubbed his head until he lolled sideways in satisfaction. There was a little feeling of mischief that resonated within her that was not entirely her own. It felt good to throw the weight of their combined power around, and it felt even better to know that Frank would think twice in the future before making an inappropriate remark. Afterall, he had just been getting started, if experienced served her right.

"You know we was jokin', rig–" Loki's hiss cut whatever excuse Frank was cooking up, short.

"Behave, my love, or else," she admonished, though the threat was empty. She felt a little like a real snake charmer–nimble and good at her job, but knew full well it was the snake who was in charge. "Well, gentlemen, I'll write a code to make your ledger making a little more seamless. Should take a few days before I get it going, but I think I can make it automated. No more worrying about audits," she remarked. The group did not look as excited as she secretly felt. "I'll get out of your hair. See you later."

Delilah sauntered back into the corridors, enjoying the cool glide of Loki's scales across her shoulders and the gentle nudges of his head against her neck. "What would you like to do now, babe?" There was no response, other than the odd flicker of his tongue on her skin. He didn't seem terribly bothered by the world beyond his perch.

With half a shrug, she walked out the double doors to the outer training fields, enjoying the crisp spring sunshine bearing down on them. Everything was green and new, and the air smelled of freshly cut grass and wildflowers. One lungful of air made her feel considerably more calm. She assumed it did the same for Loki, who had not really attempted to venture out into the wilderness other than the occasional jog around the facility. In theory, there was currently nothing keeping Loki from taking to the streets and disappearing into the sunset. Well, apart from her presence…

The sun glittered high above their heads, instantly warming the air-conditioned chill away from their bones and replacing it with exquisite incandescence. The snake's muscles rippled and shuddered at the temperature change, something like a sigh leaving his angled mouth. When Delilah twisted her neck to press a kiss against the smooth skin, he offered no protest or skittish reaction, as a regular animal would. "Let me know if you get too hot, OK?" The murmur was received with a flick of the tongue on her cheek, causing her to giggle.

Picking out a spot near a great big oak tree, she settled onto a dense patch of grass overlooking an obstacle course. On any other day, current and new hopeful SHIELD recruits would be working on their physical skills. Skills that Delilah did not care for, but that were important to agents. She did not know how to carry twice her weight in supplies when she A) spent most of her day behind a computer, and B) had a life partner who seemed more than excited to do the heavy lifting for her. At the moment, though, the obstacle course was being used by tiny seven year old's, a demigod, and a super soldier. All of whom were more interested in Bucky's silly detachable arm antics than they were on climbing a rope ladder.

Sighing, she lay back on the ground, giving Loki enough time to slither out from beneath her head to twine over her arm, and ultimately curl on her chest. The angular head rested heavily on her sternum and when he tasted the air, his forked tongue would barely graze her warmed skin. He was very still, and a lot better behaved than she would have ever assumed him to be. At this point, she assumed he would have been trying to scare crowds or hissing at strangers going past. He looked so content to simply be, he hadn't even bothered turning to stare at the sky, as she was or at the children. Instead, his head angled slightly to keep a watchful eye on her.

"Wonderful day for training outside, yes?" Thor asked happily as he dropped beside her. Delilah swore the ground shook with his momentum. Loki remained undisturbed.

"Mmm. I'm not much for training, but it is a beautiful day," she responded dreamily. Her fingers skimmed black scales, feeling them just short of feverish. "I might have to take Loki to the shade in a bit, though."

Thor frowned. "His Aesir form is not as sensitive to heat. Why does he not simply transform back?"

Delilah snorted. "Oh, he is one hundred percent stuck and thinks I haven't noticed." The snake rose up sharply to look at her. After a minute or two of blankly staring and neither yielding, he huffed and settled back down. "He'll figure it out, eventually." She added, running her fingers down his back. "Or I'll put him out of his misery and help him."

Thor chuckled, giving them both an affectionate look. "I must admit, not being able to talk suits him." Loki bared his fangs at the god of thunder, only to be laughed at, once more.

Delilah shifted when the bed sunk beside her at half past midnight. She had spent the majority of the day taking Loki wherever she pleased, snake wrapped around her shoulders. It appeared, though, that he had finally figured out how to ease back out of his reptile form. He patted himself down before sighing in relief. Almost immediately, he pressed himself against Delilah's body.

"Welcome back."

"Good to be here," he rumbled against her neck. "When did you notice I was stuck?"

"When you didn't stab Frank. Or Thor."

"Right." Loki remained silent for a long while and she assumed he had drifted asleep. "Don't make me give it up, please." His voice was so soft she almost assumed it had been a rustle of sheets that had made the noise.

"I'm not going to make you give up your ring."

"I'll get it to work. I had a lot of time to think when I was a snake. I think... I think I have to rely more heavily on my instincts."

"Why's that?"

"Because you do. And you made it. And whenever something happens it's always because of something I did because of you." Delilah made a noise of curiosity. "I wanted to make you breakfast before you woke. Then I wanted a way to stay with you all day without getting in the way. And now I wanted to hold you," he whispered, tightly circling her waist with his hands.

"See? I knew you'd figure it out. Though I did love having snake you around. You were gorgeous."

"Thank you, darling. I'll make it a point to use the form more often."

"Good. I did miss you like this, though. I love you like this the second-most."

"What's the first?"

"As a frost giant. Just as you," she responded through a yawn.

The breath caught in his throat at the confession. Despite himself, his Asgardian form drifted away, leaving her to shudder in her arms. He went to make some distance between them only to lock her arms with his and hold him fast to her body. Loki could feel the goosebumps prickling up on her skin, but she was adamant about keeping him close.

"Back to slumber, doll," he murmured against her hair.

"Mm-hmm. I love you, Loki."

"And I love you, sweet."

[maryellencarter]

What is your middle name? -- You know, about a year ago in a D&D session, I was attempting to sass the big bad (I’m much better at sass when I have time to think about it, D&D is such a time pressure that I’ve wound up playing much more of a strong silent type than I intended), and I said “Defiance is my middle name” and the DM wound up making Defiance the name of the country my character is from. Which is a delightful sort of NYC/Vegas mashup, quite different from Defiance, Ohio. ^_^ Also the capital city is called Skreuyu (pronounced, of course, Screw-you). :D

What are you passionate about? -- Dear god. What aren’t I passionate about? O_O I could attempt a brief and incomplete list, but this is a long meme anyway. ;-) Besides, you’re here, you’ll hear about it all sooner or later. XD

Zebra or leopard print? -- Either one, but only if it’s in day-glo neon rainbow colors. And not to wear, particularly. Fake-fur blankets and pillows, mostly. Lisa Frank was... a formative influence. ^_^ If I ever have money to actually decorate a place of my own, it’s gonna look very much like Wes Janson decorated it, although possibly with fewer Ewoks. (I do have a BB-8 penny bank, though.)

Do you have any fears? -- Honestly, at this exact moment, I’m too damn sleep-deprived to know. XD When I’m awake it’s probably social anxiety stuff. When I wake up at 4am tomorrow in my car, I may or may not be having the kind of weird quasi-psychotic fears that come with a certain level of sleep deprivation, where I’m suddenly convinced my laptop is going to eat me. Right now, nothing especially comes to mind.

Silver or gold? -- To wear? Gold. My skin corrodes silver. But as a color, I like silver better.

Top three places to visit? -- Ooh. Um. That I’ve been to, or not? I want to go back to Washington DC, and someday I want to be extremely sane and go back to Indiana, and someday I’d like to go back to the Black Hills and see all the geology tourism things, because the only one I saw as a kid was Mount Rushmore, which is more of a colonialism tourism thing. That I’ve not been to... Scotland, maybe? And Hawaii and Yellowstone, again for the geology nerdery? I feel like there are places I’ve very specifically wanted to go someday that I’m blanking on.

Where are you from? -- Indiana, once upon a time. Love the place, cannot deal with the people. Miss the snow. And the autumn leaves. And the library.

First career you wanted as a child? -- Paleontologist, best I can remember. Some things stay pretty constant. I don’t have the physical health to be a geologist anymore, if I ever did, but damn, I still want to take some more classes or keep up with the field somehow.

What’s your sign? -- You know, I’m not being bothered with this at the moment. I’m sure it’ll come up in a reblog pretty soon, I do those memes a lot.

Future names of your children? -- I refuse to have any. Five generations my bio-family has fucked up, all by trying too damn hard not to be their mothers. I will be a weird adopted relative and not name anybody anything.

What are you listening to right now? -- A fifteen-minute instrumental cover of “Turkey in the Straw”, to block out the myriad noises of the fast food place so I can think words. I’ve been looping it for hours and I’ll presumably be looping it for hours more.

Do you believe in fate/destiny? -- I have a lot of weird conflicting opinions about things like fate and destiny. I think if the universe is being... directed, by a god or fate or destiny or anything with intelligence or purpose, it’s an asshole and ought to be punched. It’s not actually any less depressing if the universe is being run by random chance and just happens to shake out in ways that make it seem like it’s being run by an asshole, but it’s less angering. *tries to word* I do get the feeling, the... desire for shit to have a purpose and to make sense, but a big part of me thinks that’s pareidolia or something related. It’d be nice if all this bullshit was eventually gonna shake out to me being either a stable human being or an epic hero, but I strongly doubt it. (And even if it did, a smart enough god should be able to get me there with less suffering, if it wanted to. So at minimum, if there’s a fate or god or destiny directing me, it’s either sort of incompetent, or motivated by priorities like taking the most direct route rather than minimizing the chances for me to die along the way, or it’s kind of a sadist. Sorry, I have Feelings about this one.)

Ethan, however, has a take that I think is... relevant, to the state of the world at the moment. He thinks the specifics of the world at any given time are all determined by chaos and random motion, but that there’s a cosmic balance between... stuff that’s very hard to give names to. “Good and evil” is part of it. “Order and entropy” might be a little closer. “Light and darkness”, whatever. But there’s this cosmic balance, and if, say, the Forces of Evil or whatever you want to call them... if something pushes too hard in one direction, tries to make one side win, the universe is gonna bounce back. There’s always gonna be that push-pull. Lots of people can get hurt or killed in the process, but because Ethan and I both read LOTR at formative ages, where we wind up at is the line “They cannot conquer forever”. You can’t have... you can’t get stuck. This is probably terribly Manichaean or something of us, but right now that’s the best I can word. That there’s always gonna be the thing you are Against, but there’s also always gonna be the thing you are For, even if one of them gets pretty squished for a while.

What are your career goals? -- Sometimes what you want to be when you grow up is “paid”. ;P I’d like to reach a point where I never have to ask the internet for money again, while continuing to be alive, and maybe can even give other people money. Help support my friends, travel around doing meetups, go to conventions or whatever, maybe do some cosplay. What exact job I’d be doing, Chaos only knows.

What is your favorite color? -- Blue. Royal blue, midnight blue, cobalt blue. Often with stars on.

What is your favorite flower? -- Uh. I’m gonna say these little striped white and purple crocuses that would come up through the snow in the spring? I loved those.

What was the first concert/show you attended? -- The Monkees 45th anniversary reunion concert. I said at the time that I’d blown five years of luck on the improbable string of coincidences that led to me getting there, but I’m so damn glad it happened, because I enjoyed it immensely, and Davy Jones died before what would have been their 50th. And hey, that was 2011, maybe I’m accumulating some luck again. ;-)

Something you are working on right now? -- This meme? XD In more general terms, reblobbenating some really old posts from my previous blog, as well as filling up my queue from same. It’s pretty slow going.

Have you ever had a near-death experience? -- Not the sort where you see a tunnel of light or go out of your body. Just the kind where you nearly die. :P

Are you a procrastinator or do you get things done early? -- Pfffft. Time management is something that happens to other people. ;P Occasionally I do get something done right away, but mostly it’s the night before deadline, or sometimes the night after. o_O Maybe when I have some spoons I’ll be better at that.

Left or right handed? -- Right. Very much so. My left hand is clumsy enough that I never did really get the hang of playing the piano with both hands, and I still struggle with video games that aren’t Mass Effect. (I’m good at Mass Effect because I’ve been playing it for something like five years at this point. ^_^)

TV Shows and anime you watch regularly -- Hah. I don’t watch anything regularly. I don’t even read books regularly, I go through phases where I don’t read a book for months and then suddenly I’m reading ten in a day. And I don’t do open canons, anyway; they interact badly with my particular anxieties and stress levels.

Halloween costume idea for this year? -- I generally default to a cowboy or a pirate. I also have a witch hat now. But I might come up with something else. Living in an apartment complex, though, there will be no trick-or-treaters, so unless I wind up working somewhere that does Halloween costumes, the point is rather moot.

What is your relationship status? -- Single, aromantic, have never dated anyone, would rather like a primary relationship at some point but that’s an issue for when I can support myself. :P

Last movie you just watched? -- I genuinely don’t know. Probably Black Panther? No, that was like February. Hot Fuzz?

A song that’s been stuck in your head? -- This very seldom happens to me. I think the last one was Janice Buckner’s “Strange Friends”, a little-known ‘80s children’s song, of which I can remember neither the tune nor the lyrics. Usually I can at least remember the lyrics even if I don’t know what tune they went to.

A book you want to read/have recently read? -- Erm. I just reread Aaron Allston’s X-wing books, if you can call it rereading when I was mostly skimming looking for good tumblr URLs (I found a lot, but none that felt like me). I’m not really in a reading phase at the moment, so.

[sp4c3-0ddity]

i actually wrote college AU fluff that’s gen, for once. i would like to thank everyone in the Pidgance Positivity Discord for enabling my chemist Hunk headcanons

and I would like to apologize to Hunk for having to deal with Lance in lab

Read it on Ao3

or read all ~2500 words below!!

Hunk regretted telling Lance his lab section number approximately three minutes into the first experiment.

“Hey, Hunk,” Lance said from his own hood, “can I borrow your scoop?”

Hunk, scanning his procedure for the third time since he wrote it, glanced towards him and asked, “What’s wrong with yours?”

Lance held up the metal scoop. “It’s got these white spots on it,” he said, pointing to one. “What if they contaminate my experiment?”

Hunk raised an eyebrow, surprised by Lance’s concern, but rather than pass over his own scoop, he took Lance’s and looked at it more closely. “Uh, Lance,” he said, “these spots are calcium carbonate.”

“Which is…?”

Hunk pinched his lips together and carefully asked, “How the heck did you pass general chemistry?”

Lance stared at him for a beat before snatching the scoop out of Hunk’s hand and walking over to the sink, mumbling something about all his friends being jerks. And Hunk took advantage of his temporary absence to start setting up his experiment.

“You doing okay, Hunk?” Shiro, the TA, asked when he came over.

“Yep,” Hunk said. Now he held the separatory funnel in his hand, prepared to shake it.

“And you, Lance?” Shiro prompted.

“Peachy,” said Lance.

Shiro crossed his arms as he eyed Lance. “Then why aren’t you wearing your safety goggles?”

Lance’s separatory funnel almost slid from his grip, but he recovered it before it could fall. “I’m fine though,” he said.

“Then make sure you stay that way by putting on your goggles.” Shiro patted Lance’s shoulder as he passed, approaching another pair of students in the middle of their experiments.

Lance looked at Hunk. “You…wouldn’t happen to have an extra pair of goggles I can borrow, do you?”

Hunk sighed as he vented gas from his funnel and set in place, turning the stopper and draining the bottom layer of fluid. “I thought I reminded you to bring your own pair.”

“Yeah, well…I forgot. And then I thought hey, at least I avoid those red lines I get after lab.”

Hunk rolled his eyes. “Lance, one day you’re gonna be that guy that people tell stories about.”

“Sounds good to me,” Lance said, already busy with draining his own separatory funnel.

They worked in blessed silence for a good few minutes, at least until Lance said, “Hey, Hunk, I think I threw the wrong layer away.”

It wasn’t that Lance was completely inept, exactly. It was that Lance was inept at certain things…like chemistry, and Hunk, for the life of him, could not figure out why the hell Lance chose a major so heavy with it.

“I like marine biology,” Lance said once when Pidge asked him, “and marine biology needs it.”

Pidge, for her part, did not like chemistry and did her best to avoid it, though luckily her interests did not align with it beyond a single semester of general chemistry that she currently procrastinated. “I’ll take it next year,” she said if anyone asked, and then mimed gagging whenever she caught sight of Hunk’s and Lance’s organic chemistry textbooks.

“Chemistry is just applied physics, Pidge,” Hunk told her.

“Well, keep it away,” Pidge retorted, holding her computer over her head as if chemistry was contagious.

Hunk glanced at her computer screen, curious about what she worked on. “Pidge, is that file’s name Mordor?”

“Yup,” she said, glaring at him.

“What is it?”

“It’s the worst coding assignment ever,” she explained.

“And it does…?”

“Well, one does not simply code for Mordor, that’s for sure.”

Hunk took that as a pointed sign that he was invading her privacy and didn’t press her for more details. Odds were it was a differential equation solver…or something like that.

Lance, for once, elected not to participate in their conversation, instead keeping his eyes on the chemistry textbook open in front of him. He pressed his hands to the back of his head, looking focused, at least until Hunk noticed that his eyes weren’t moving and had glazed over.

“What’re you stuck on, buddy?” Hunk asked.

“Huh?” Lance glanced up at him. “Oh, hybridization. Why is a carbon with a double bond sp2 hybridized again?”

Hunk set to explaining, but Lance interrupted him, “Wait, wait, wait. What’s this about pi bonds?”

He looked at Pidge, though he knew beseeching her for help was pointless, and sure enough she focused on her computer again, mumbling something about for loops and iterations.

“You know what?” Lance said after Hunk tried yet again to explain the finer points of hybridization. He stretched across the table until his arms were on either side of Pidge’s laptop, forehead pressed to his open book. “Why don’t we take a break and get some coffee?”

“It’s four o’clock,” said Hunk.

“You don't even like coffee," Lance said.

Hunk looked between his friends:  from Lance, unfocused and annoyed, to Pidge, frustrated and open to his idea. So, despite the knowledge that he and Lance had a midterm in two days, he agreed.

“See, Hunk, here’s the thing,” Lance said as they left the lecture hall, their exam behind them, out of sight and out of mind, at least until the professor graded it. “This isn’t the right kind of chemistry.”

“Oh, yeah?” said Hunk, raising an eyebrow at him. “What’s the right kind then?”

“Well, you know…” Lance waved a hand dismissively. “The kind you have with someone, like romantic chemistry. Like what you and Shay have.”

Hunk rolled his eyes and said, “For the last time, Shay is just a person I met and admire.”

“She gave you a rock,” Lance pointed out with a smirk.

“She’s a geology major,” Hunk said.

“It was a very pretty rock,” Lance said. “There were those crystals on it.”

“Quartz.”

“See?” Lance elbowed him in the side. “You even remember! And I know for a fact you keep it on your desk.”

“All right, fine,” Hunk said with an impish smile of his own. But before Lance could gloat about being correct, he added, “I admire the rock she gave me too.”

“You—” Lance lightly punched his arm, and they both laughed.

Lab got even worse after the midterm when Keith switched into their section.

“What happened that you had to switch this late in the semester?” Hunk wondered.

To his amazement, Keith flushed red and admitted, “I…went out with the TA.”

Lance’s jaw dropped, and Hunk stared at him incredulously. “Like…on a date?”

“Yes,” Keith said tersely, but from the way he very pointedly set up his experiment without even glancing towards Hunk or Lance, he refused to speak further on the matter.

“Now Keith and his old TA had chemistry,” Lance grumbled under his breath.

“We have chemistry now,” Hunk said when he noticed how far behind Lance was in his experiment. He’d only just finished setting up his reaction in the sand bath, but Hunk’s was nearly done, the color inside the flask already changing.

To be fair, today’s experiment was fairly short.

But within a few weeks, Hunk noticed a pattern emerging:  Keith finishing first, and Lance’s work turning sloppier while he tried to catch up.

“You know it’s not a race, right?” Hunk told him.

“I know but I’m still gonna win,” Lance retorted as he scooped his reaction’s product onto a piece of weigh paper while it was still damp.

“You’re gonna get over a hundred percent yield if you weigh it like that,” Hunk pointed out.

“Even better.”

“So you’re okay claiming to create matter?” Hunk asked.

“Shiro doesn’t care,” Lance said. He put the paper on the balance and, without waiting for it to stabilize, jotted a number down in his notebook. “He only cares that we have a number.”

“Okay, this is true,” Hunk conceded, “but you do know that scientific accuracy is kind of…important?”

“Oh, now you sound like Pidge.”

Hunk rolled his eyes and gave Lance up for a lost cause, but he had his revenge when he ‘forgot’ to reply to a text message asking him to correct his post-lab report.

Somehow, Lance survived the lab that semester with decent grades on all of his reports – though Pidge predicted that it was all thanks to Hunk.

“You’re not even in our class,” Lance grumbled.

“I don’t need to be there to know it’s true,” Pidge retorted.

“Well, Pidge, I guess I can’t see that movie you wanted to see on Friday after all,” Lance threatened, arms tightly crossed.

“That’s okay,” Pidge said, sounding unbothered. “I’ll take Matt with me instead since he’s visiting.”

Lance narrowed his eyes at her. “Then I’m changing my Netflix password.”

Pidge’s eyes snapped from her physics textbook to his face. “You take that back!”

“Only if you take back what you said about Hunk enabling my grades!”

“Why would I take back the truth?” Pidge demanded. “What are you, the Catholic Church?”

“Oh, comparing yourself to Galileo again? How high and mighty of you, Pidge!”

“You understood that reference?” Hunk wondered, interrupting their budding argument and surprised despite himself.

Lance gestured towards Pidge, who rolled her eyes before returning her attention to her studying. And he said, “She’s used it before. I’m just adapting to her.”

“Then why can’t you remember what the Grignard reaction is?” Hunk asked, pointing to the organic chemistry notes spread out over the table between them. “We’ve been over it so many times.”

“Grignard?” Lance narrowed his eyes thoughtfully. “That’s the one with manganese, right?”

“Magnesium,” Hunk corrected, “but that’s closer than your last guess.”

Lance grinned. “Ha, I’ll ace the final then. Wait and see, Hunk.”

“There’s a really big difference between manganese and magnesium,” Pidge then pointed out. “I don’t have to have taken chemistry to know that.” But when both Hunk and Lance glared at her, she smiled sheepishly and added, “But good job, Lance.”

“Thanks, Pidge,” Lance said wryly. “I guess I won’t change my Netflix password after all.”

They had assigned seats during the final exam, so Hunk didn’t have to deal with Lance’s leg bouncing and vibrating the whole row of desks. But he did have to deal with the stress of seeing Lance finish before him, and wonder if he managed to answer every question on the exam or simply gave up.

Then again, it wasn’t like Lance to give up, even if he had no skill at something, which, well… They’d studied together every day for hours at a time for almost two weeks, and though Lance spent half that time distracted by one thing or another – usually a game on his phone or a conversation with Pidge – he still learned something.

Probably.

Hunk ignored the anxious churning in his stomach as he returned his focus to the exam. He thought he’d paced himself quite well so far, but between the time on the clock and the questions he had left to answer, he started to doubt himself. It didn’t help that someone in the row in front of him kept swearing under his breath.

Chair, and…a boat, Hunk thought as he drew cyclohexane in its two most stable molecular configurations. He was careful to count sides on each shape, to make sure that the hexagons had six corners and the pentagons had five.

He would not lose points on mistakes that wouldn’t have happened if he’d paid more careful attention to detail.

Name the following organic compounds. Easy, Hunk thought.

Propose a synthetic pathway between the reagent and the product. Oh, and this one had suggestions.

By the time Hunk reached the last question, he was grinning, feeling better about this particular exam than he had about anything in the last eighteen weeks of the semester…at least until Shiro called time.

Hunk glanced up at his lab TA before writing his best guess for a question he’d barely scanned, then, after passing the paper over to the TA that collected them, he mentally calculated what his score would be based on questions he knew he got correct.

Well, at least he would pass, right?

Hunk walked with Keith out of the lecture hall; he tried to ask him what he got for that last question, but Keith said, “I’d rather not talk about it.”

“Why?” Hunk wondered, eyebrow raised. “Did your girlfriend tell you what was on the exam?”

“No!” Keith said quickly. “I just don’t like talking about exams after the fact.” He crossed his arms, and after a beat added, “And the TAs don’t know what’s on the test until we do.”

“I knew that,” Hunk said. “Shiro refused to tell us anything.”

He and Keith parted after that, and Hunk met Lance at the cafe on campus, where Pidge waited for them at a table in the corner. “What time did you have to get here to get a table?” Hunk asked her.

Pidge didn’t look up from the old history exam she held in her hand when she replied, “Two minutes ago.”

“Seriously?”

“Right on the hour, when people go to class.”

“Nice,” Hunk said appreciatively, sitting down right as Lance joined them with three drinks:  hot chocolate for Hunk, who didn’t enjoy coffee, black coffee for Pidge, who didn’t like milk, and iced coffee for Lance, who didn’t know the meaning of the word ‘cold’.

“So how do you think you did?” Lance asked Hunk.

Hunk sipped his drink, considering. “Not too bad,” he said. “I think I’ll get at least an eighty percent.”

“Not too bad?” Lance said. “I’d kill for that.”

“You’ll pass,” Pidge said after shooting a brief glance at him. “You’ve been studying your ass off.”

“Look who finally noticed all my hard work!”

“Your lab report grades might bring you down though,” Pidge continued as if she hadn’t heard Lance. She stared straight at him as she emptied three sugar packets into her coffee and drank deeply from it.

“I got decent grades on those,” Lance whined.

“Shiro’s an easy grader then,” Pidge said. “I saw your reports, and I may not know what half those molecules are called, but reports are supposed to be easy enough to follow. And yours were kind of—”

“Don’t say it, Pidge,” Hunk beseeched her.

“—sloppy.”

Hunk sighed, but to his surprise Lance admitted, “I guess I could’ve done better, but I would’ve done a lot worse without Hunk’s help.” When Hunk threw a glance at him, he added, “I was in good hands.”

“That’s true,” Pidge agreed.

Hunk smiled, glad Lance could confess to needing his help in regular conversation, but the smile disappeared when Lance said, “Oh, yeah, that reminds me:  which section are you taking next semester?”

Hunk wondered if it was too late for him to drop out.

[thestoryofme13]

Virgil to Anxiety

Warnings: Self Doubt, Anxiety, 

This is my take on this post, it’s a little weird and it has been done in so many great ways!

Virgil to Anxiety

Virgil was feeling nostalgic and he sure as hell, blamed Thomas for that. While the others could relive happy memories was, all of the memories Thomas had that Virgil played a part in were cringey to say the least and rarely were they "happy." Sure, there were those times that Virgil had causes Thomas to panic and expect the worse, then everything had turned out fine, but did those actually count as "happy" memories?

It wasn't just the nostalgia either, he wanted to try to make himself better. After the catastrophe that was going to Patton's room, Logan had to explain that while he still found emotions illogical, they were something that needed to be dealt with rather than pushed down and bottled up like Patton had been doing for so very long. Logan had gone on a long exposition about developing healthy coping mechanisms and that all emotions, negative or otherwise, demanded to be felt. The logical side had made it clear that each side is entitled to feel emotions that may not exactly align with what they represent. Logan was mainly addressing Patton but he made an example that could relate to each of the sides, "Patton, you are the embodiment of the heart but even the heart can experience bad feelings, for example heart break. It doesn’t help any of us or Thomas for you to hide your feelings." Then Logan turned to Roman, "You are not as easily defined by your feelings as a trait, just because you are the ego and confidence, it would not be inappropriate for you to experience being insecure or scared." Finally, Logan turned to Virgil, "While you are the embodiment of Anxiety there is no logical reason that you could not also experience and express positive emotions. I dare say that it would be even healthy for you to be happy about what you contribute or feel pride in keeping Thomas safe." Logan finished his explanation and was content, "I have one more thing to add. If any of you are feeling these emotions that are foreign to you and would like someone to listen without judgment, I am willing to offer my services." Hearing Logan validate all the sides, made everyone immediately calmer, recognizing that there was logically nothing wrong with how any of them were feeling, in that moment they were all grateful for the logical sides' rational thinking.

Virgil had always accepted that he was not allowed to be happy or feel positive emotions, he was a negative trait, it did not make sense, but he supposed that if Patton was allowed to feel negative emotions then he was allowed to feel positive emotions. This is what lead Virgil to his computer to revisit some of the old videos, he wanted to experience something positive and maybe watching the others and Thomas learning to accept him would help him feel these positive emotions for the first time. He started with the "Taking on Anxiety" video, the involuntary cringe at seeing Thomas' reaction to his appearance could not have been missed. Did Thomas really hate him so much, that his appearance was a nuisance? Virgil had to admit he was slightly overbearing in this video, but couldn't they see that he was trying to protect Thomas? He had to admit that he was happy, Thomas had learned some healthy coping techniques from Lilly, it made his job easier. Something stuck out for him though was it truly possible that Thomas would be better off without him, Thomas had gone to Lilly looking for a way to completely get rid of anxiety, but that wouldn't work at least not in this case, he was after all a part of Thomas. Sure, at the end of the video Thomas "accepted" that he had anxiety but everyone knows that was for show and he'd much rather be rid of Virgil. After that video he had tried to tone it down a bit to show just how important he was, that he was contributing just as much as the others. "Losing My Motivation" was a time where Virgil could show how vital he was to Thomas accomplishing things but Logan was having none of that, he just wanted to have someone to blame and Virgil was easy target since no one liked him anyways. Logan was always complaining about Thomas' procrastination and in part that was Virgil's fault because if it couldn't be perfect what was the point. The shuffle on the

YouTube playlist must have been on because somehow the next video was "My Negative Thinking." Virgil was quite fond of this video, it was a time when he got to work at full force without being reigned in, that was until Logan had to rationally think through everything, still this video was a time where he felt like an equal. Logan was logic, he wouldn't lie to Virgil about his "feelings." Finally, he had managed to get to the "Accepting Anxiety" videos, it was nice to see that while Logan and Roman may not have known how important Anxiety was to Thomas, that Patton was able to show them how they were wrong. He will admit that Roman's comments about not liking Virgil, hurt but it wasn't anything new. Logan, on the other hand, had just begun treating Virgil as an equal, for all that to be thrown into the wind was painful, at least he was able to see exactly what the Logical side thought when he didn't have to keep up appearances. There was something about the second part that seemed off though, Virgil couldn't help but notice how the others reacted when his voice changed, Patton looked terrified, Logan looked intrigued, and Roman looked indifferent. It was unsettling to see Patton look so terrified by him, how could he scare the only one who actually liked him, Virgil didn't notice it at the time obviously because he was focused on protecting Thomas and the others there was no time to worry about what their reactions were to his growing strength from his own room. He was going to stop there but he couldn't help it, seeing the others trying so hard to be accepting in the "Fitting In" video, gave him hope something he was unfamiliar with. Watching Princey try so hard to ne "nice" was entertaining although it looked like it physically caused him pain to say nice or indifferent things to Virgil, he appreciated the effort.

Virgil had enough of this reminiscing, even he had started to hate himself, which wasn’t uncommon for the anxious trait. If he hadn’t been so overbearing, maybe the others would have liked him more. Had someone told his old self this maybe it would’ve helped? He decided to use a coping technique that Logan had told them about and write. He wasn’t really sure what he was going to write but once he picked up the notebook and pen, it all just flowed.

Dear Anxiety,

I know this is stupid but Logan said this could help me with my feelings, so here goes nothing. Sometimes people talk over you, refuse to listen to your worries, or flat out ignore any of your concerns. Just know that you are doing what you believed was right, you were protecting Thomas.  Roman can be a bit mean but he does have a point, you two are opposites, he is the one that comes up with all the impossible dreams, whereas you point out all the things that could go wrong, you have to keep it realistic to protect Thomas, he’ll understand one day. Patton would never lie to you about how much you mean to him or how you are an important part of the group, you shouldn’t dismiss him as easily as you do, it can be okay to accept praise and affection from someone. Logan, well we are even now still trying to figure him out, he appreciates that you think things through and that you can see things from his perspective, but he will probably still say things to hurt you, not on purpose. He can’t always see the pain his words can inflict on others. Even Thomas learns to accept you and embrace you as a valued part, he just never realized how important you were when it came to decision making, he tries really hard to make sure you are okay, comfortable, and even happy. You may have always felt like the bad guy and that no one would ever love you, but look at where we are now. You have a family, a support system, who cares for you unconditionally. Nothing you could do would ruin this, they still don’t always listen to your concerns but you are heard. We are kept in the loop, invited out, even called on by Thomas ON PURPOSE! No one would have ever guessed that the “bad guy” could have won over so many hearts, especially not without giving up a piece of himself. We didn’t change one thing, well we did become more aware of our effects on Thomas, but we still are protecting him. I know this is stupid and useless and that you would never get to read this, but I know when I felt this way I needed someone to validate my existence and tell me of my importance. Things do get better, make good memories, allow yourself to be happy, allow yourself to be loved, and finally using Roman’s words don’t be your own villain. You have to love yourself before you can accept the love you deserve, it takes a lot of work but the support system you have is there for the entire ride.

Virgil

He looked at the paper and saw tear stains, he didn’t know when he started crying or why but he accepted it. The emotions took over he felt overwhelmed with sadness for his past self but joy about his current situation. He had so many reasons to be happy, most of them outlined in this letter. He decided to tape it to his mirror, to remind himself of his worth and the love he had. He would never tell the others but on particularly bad days he would stand in his bathroom and read this note until finally the voices in his head were quiet.

[dancingalone21]

Boner

Summary: The reader moves into a new town and finds out something surprising about her gorgeous neighbor.

Pairing: neighbor!Dean x Reader

Requested: @whispersandwhiskerburn

~

Change.

You’ve never despised a word so much in your god damn life. It mocks you, rips every little aggravation from the world and throws it right into your fucking face. It’s turned your life completely and totally upside down. Then it spun you the fuck around just to make sure you’re officially screwed.

Having just moved from New York two weeks ago, you can now call Nashville home. Forget a different state, you feel like you’re in a freaking different reality. The friendly residents alone throw you for a loop. You’re slightly convinced that they have some ulterior motive. Then again considering the shady fuckers in your past, you could just be paranoid. 

Growing up in a big city has given you a tough exterior that the men around here seem to be intimated by. It must be the way you carry yourself, also the permanent bitch face that you’ve acquired over the years.

You’ve finally settled into your new country home, a charming ranch that looks like it was pulled right from Better Homes & Gardens. It’s nothing spectacular but it feels like a mansion compared to your old cramped one bedroom apartment back home.

To say you still feel like an outcast in your own neighborhood is definitely an understatement. The constant pleasantries from a lot of your nearby neighbors is exhausting. How the fuck did you end up in the Brady Bunch?

“You see that Infiniti parked next to Nancy’s car? That’s her brothers car.” Your nosy neighbor Mrs. Simmons points to a red house that’s a few doors down from your own. The woman acts like she’s filling you in on government secrets.

“Oh ok.” You barely mumble, wondering why the fuck you need to know that.

“Nancy drives a black SUV and her husband Bill drives a gray Tacoma truck. Just letting you know, dear. So you don’t get nervous if you see a car you don’t recognize. He visits from time to time.”

Is this ridiculous chick for real? In New York, if there wasn’t a random drunken bum passed out on your apartment steps then it was a good day.

“Oh! And you know the Winchesters live right next to you in the blue house. So the black Impala belongs to…”

“I’m sorry but I’m gonna have to get going.” You sweetly cut her off, enjoying the confusion that appears on her face.

“Are you sure, Y/N? There’s much more I need to fill you in on!”

“I have…a lasagna in the oven. I just planned on running out to check the mail and then you were were walking by…”

“Oh alright. Well stop by soon!” Mrs. Simmons sings finally moving in the direction towards her own house. Which just so happens to be directly across the street from your own. Ugh.

You rush inside hoping to avoid anyone else, glancing at the bad ass black Impala in your neighbors driveway. It’s a gorgeous car and it belongs to an even more gorgeous man. Of course he’s a gorgeous married man with a beautiful wife and two adorable little kids.

It’s freaking fantastic. It’s just what you need on your friggin plate. A daily reminder that you’re braving this lame world alone. A reminder that your own marriage blew the fuck up, barely allowing you to crawl out in one piece. A constant punch in the gut that pulls you out of your false sense of happiness.

You’ve only spoken to the wife briefly, a quick ‘welcome to the neighborhood’ and Kelly was off to her nursing job. Dean on the other hand is around more with the kids, he’s been nice enough to take care of some handy work around the house for you. Helpful bastard.

Aggravated that you don’t actually have a lasagna in your oven, you whine to yourself about the noises your stomach is making. Grabbing your phone and keys in a huff, it’s off to the stupid supermarket you go.

“Hey neighbor!” You automatically know who that deep, sinful voice belongs to. Demanding yourself to ignore him, you quickly make a beeline to your Honda Accord. The immediate blush on your cheeks is embarrassing enough. You don’t need to glance in his direction to know he looks hot as hell.

“What’s up, Y/N?”

“Oh. Uhh…just heading out for some groceries.” You look down to the ground and shyly tuck a few strands behind your ear, missing the boyish grin he throws your way.

“You?”

“I’m supposed to mow the lawn but I’m procrastinating. I’ve just been fucking around outside, tidying up the kids toys and stuff.”

“Sounds fun. I’m surprised they’re not outside running around like usual.” You smirk, thankful you’re not stuck in that particular hell just yet.

“The kids are at their grandparents lake house for the weekend. Kelly too. They’ll be home in a couple of days.” The flirty gleam in his eye flashes so fast you’re not sure if you imagined it.

“Ah. Why didn’t you go?”

“Eh. Didn’t feel like it. I rather have some me time. To feel like a normal adult for a little while.” He snickers loudly, scratching at the scruff on his chin and it’s annoyingly distracting.

“Makes sense…”

“So watcha doing later?” Dean asks mischievously, his sexy bowlegs carrying him dangerously closer to you.

“Just hanging out. You?” You nervously chew your bottom lip, for some reason this friggin man turns you to complete mush.

“Same. So since I finally have the house to myself. Wanna come over?”

“Uhh come over?”

“Yeah. I can make you dinner or we can just order in and watch a movie. I’m sure there’s something good on Netflix. Whatever you want.” He shrugs sweetly then licks his pink plump lips. Oh god, those fucking lips.

“Just the two of us?”

“Yup. Just you and me, sweetheart.”

“I…I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Oh. You mean the date in general or…”

“Date.” Your eyes widen, shocked at how casual he’s being about this. You don’t know him very well but you can usually spot a douchebag from miles away.

“Are you serious?”

“Uh yeah. If you’re not interested then that’s cool. I guess it could get complicated since we’re neighbors and if it didn’t work out…” Dean trails off, now awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck.

“Yeah. Not to mention that your wife and kids are also my neighbors.” You snap before speed walking to get into your Accord.

“Wait…” Dean’s long legs are annoyingly faster so he quickly blocks your car door, refusing to let you get in.

“Sorry, dude. I’m not gonna help you cheat.” You scoff with a scowl before giving up and racing into your house. So much for buying mother fucking food.

“My…what?!” Dean calls after you, now hot on your tail but you thankfully bolt inside before he can follow you.

“Fuck.” He growls under his breath, banging on your door before he stubbornly marches around to the back of your house.

“Y/N. Open up!” He demands before deciding to just stroll right on in. Granted it’s not the best idea but Dean isn’t caring at the moment.

“Did you seriously just barge through the back door and waltz in here uninvited.” You groan meeting him in your kitchen.

“Well yeah but I have a legit reason.” He explains, ignoring the dramatic eye roll in his direction.

“Oh this should be good. Let me guess…the spark is gone in your marriage but you stay for the kids. So you’re actually a decent guy, just in a tough situation. Aw poor you.” You laugh humorlessly.

“There’s been a huge misunderstanding.” Dean states now clearly amused with this whole situation.

“I’m glad you think this is funny.”

“I do. I think it’s really funny actually.”

“Get out, Dean.”

“Who the hell told you that Kelly’s my wife? She’s my sister. And Amy and Brian are my niece and nephew.” He carefully moves a little closer to you, still unsure if you’ll believe him.

“What…but I heard Amy call you daddy the other day. When you guys were playing in the front yard.” You respond skeptically.

“She’s only two, Y/N. I try to correct her but it never sticks. Especially since I’m around all the time, I don’t blame the kid for being confused.”

Well this is…unexpected. Fuck. His words and actions actually seem genuine, you now feel your anger start to slip away. You better not be wrong about this, you hope to God that you’re not being blinded by his insane good looks.

“Why do you wear a wedding ring around your neck then?”

“It’s my mom’s wedding band. She died five years ago and it’s just something I did to feel close to her and it stuck.” He tells you, his hand tightly grasping the gold chain on his chest.

Hmmmm. Why the hell doesn’t the man have his own place? He’s in his early thirties. You know he owns his own construction company so it doesn’t make any sense.

“Why are you living with your sister? Do you have a gambling problem? Did you lose all of your money to some card shark?” You wonder giggling, not able to keep a straight face as you finish your questions.

“I have plenty of money! Thank you very much.” He smirks back feeling relieved that your demeanor towards him has changed. You notice his expression suddenly grow serious a second later.

“My brother in law died about a year and a half ago from a heart attack. With my sister being a nurse and her long hours, along with two little kids…she needed help. Babysitters weren’t cutting it and she didn’t like random people with the kids anyways. So I told her I’d move in and help out so here I am.”

“Oh. That’s…nice of you.”

“I’m really surprised you didn’t know all of this.” Dean rubs his hand over his face looking a little tired and now you feel like an asshole.

“How would I know if you or Kelly didn’t tell me?”

“I saw you talking to Mrs. Simmons who lives for neighborhood gossip. She’s just the worst. I thought for sure she would have told you all of that. She’s done it before with new neighbors.” Dean sighs heavily, giving you a grateful smile when you hand him a beer.

“She actually tried talking about you but I shut it down. I could only take so much.” You crack up pulling a cute laugh from his sexy lips.

“So how about that date?” Dean winks, slipping back into his charming self as he shoots you a drop dead smile.

“Yes definitely. How about you make dinner and I’ll bring the dessert? Maybe cookies or something. Oh! How about pie? It’s my favorite.” You reply excitedly.

“I’m not sure if you’re trying to turn me on but I have a boner now.” Dean grins wickedly making your mouth drop open.

“Wow, Winchester. You must really like pie.” You laugh out, now completely taken with the man before you.

“Yeah I like pie…among other things.” Dean bites his bottom lip while his eyes scan your body and you immediately feel your cheeks heat up.

Well, shit. Maybe change isn’t such a bad thing.

~

[animusharmonia]

At about the beginning of last school year, I began logging the random stuff I’ve heard or seen around the wonder that is high school. Admittedly, some of this contains some of my shenanigans, because who am I going to pay more attention to other than myself. Writing every single thing all at once would take a while (the document I’ve been using is nearly to 16 pages as of now), so this is just a collection of some of what I deem funnier or more bizarre. 

Class split into groups of 4. The four Asian kids teamed up. The one guy of the group whispered “Asian Invasion” 

The manga section of the school library had two volumes of yaoi

The manga section of the school library being mixed in with the comic section

The comic and manga section of the school library being in the middle of the non-fiction area because “its cultural”

“I can’t reach the top shelf in my house, and who’s going to help me there? My dog? I don’t think so.” 

“Wow! That’s so cool! I don’t care, I might tomorrow. No, wait! It’s Saturday!”

“This one is fancy heels, this one is fancy pants”

“Wait, it’s a different Louis?” “There are a lot of Louii”

“And then the guillotine was too slow, so they shot them instead” “...okay”

“This is due Thursday, right? Let’s discuss who’s doing what slide and leave it at that because yay, procrastination”

The Latin teacher teaching us how to say “Go to hell” in Latin when she told a story about someone in the Latin 3 class having asked what the phrase in question from one of their books meant

The radio was playing music over the gymnasium. My Immortal came on. “I’m so tired of being here” “Hah, same”

“Everyone knows what a coup d'etat is, right?”

We got the majority of the class

“An overthrowing by the military”

And we got this kid

“It sounds like something from Lion King”

“???”

Someone said “Coup d’etat” slowly, to the tuneish of “Hakuna matata”

The realization and understanding dawning across the class

Waiting in those minutes for class to end, a few people sat there quietly singing Hakuna Matata

“A coup d’etat-ta, what a wonderful thing”

“And this guy was like “Hell yeah, we want change…””

“Probably using different words”

“Well yeah, he used French”

“Is that a lacrosse ball?” “Yeah” “We’re in theater, how the fuck did you get that?”

One girl sitting on one of the plastic desk chairs with her knees to her chest, calmly eating a salad as she participated in the class discussion

One girl dislocated her arm in sports and, instead of keeping it in a sling, got this exoskeleton thing made to keep her arm at a 90 degree angle. She was way too excited to discover it was at a perfect angle for dabbing.

“I swear, if we have a pop quiz in that class I’m going to cry. Or kill a man. I can’t tell which anymore”

One girl all but sprinting down the hall as she let out some low shrieking noise, only stopping when she got to her friend’s side and leaned far enough in front of him to make eye contact.

“I was doing, like, six things at once and thought ‘What if the building fell right now? I would get nothing done.’ Because hey, it’s the end of the year, I got all this stuff to do, and it would be really inconvenient.”

One guy had a table in the lobby and stood, roll of tinfoil in hand and tinfoil hat on head, yelling about the Illuminati, aliens, and government. He was passing out tinfoil hats to anyone who wanted them

Someone walked into my Latin class wearing one and magistra asked if the guy was talking about the “Alluminati” instead of the Illuminati

One girl’s promposal where she called out the other girl’s name to get her attention as one friend to her right began playing “Never gonna give you up” and the friend to the right held roses. The sign she held read “It would meme a lot if you went to prom with me” in large shiny foil letters, meme in purple as opposed to the gold of the others, and a pepe in the bottom right corner. It was adorable.

“I nearly got a detention for reading in reading class. I was tempted to continue just for when people asked me what I was in for”

On a Latin test, there was a section where you were given 7 names and you had to give a fact about 5 of them. For Vulcan, the Roman god of fire, someone put “A species of alien that appears in the series Star Trek” and he got a point for that.

A girl put “Got a Yugioh card named after him” in small font for Regulus, but filled in 5 others seriously

One girl who is Very Passionate about Yugioh

The teacher was making hand gestures as he spoke. He paused in gestures with his hand outstretched, still addressing the class, and the person sitting right beside him reached out and gave him a high-five

The guy who gave him the high-five had hacked his (the history teacher’s) computer earlier that year

The common “Final” for jazz band is that the teacher brings in Rock Band and they play that

“I’m amazed, you can hear the lack of brain cells”

One meme of a girl wrote “I’M SCHLEEP” on the whiteboard in band. She took a picture of it and walked away satisfied with herself. A few minutes later, the band director piped up from the back of the room. “Hey, Ashley? What does ‘schleep’ mean?” “I dunno”

Someone hiking up their shorts to the length of girls’ shorts, pulling his shirt down so you can’t see them, and Naruto running a circle around the room

Due to state testing, classes were shortened. On the day of the final band concert, those involved went to their first three classed but remained in third (concert band. Those from wind ensemble were pulled in as well) and lurked there for the rest of the day to practice. Pizza was ordered and soda was brought for a celebration of sorts. The 32 pizzas ordered were emptied within around half an hour.

A group of three girls and two guys. The third girl declared herself the fifth wheel of the group, staring tiredly at the two couples.

She didn’t really seem to care, though, and generally could be found latched onto one of her friend’s arms. Both the friend and friend’s boyfriend didn’t really seem to care either.

The other couple, meanwhile, was fluent in innuendos and suggestive comments that tended to scare away the asexual fifth wheel.

“Freshmen, do not climb into the trash cans, thank you.”

One girl convinced some guy in class that Inside Out ends with the girl dying

“That’s not possible.” “It’s magic, shut up.”

“Why is the final cumulative? I can’t remember shit.”

One girl’s realization that graduation was the following day (seniors have been out for well over a week, it’s hard to tell) and the complaint at how “WE HAVE TO PLAY AT THE FREAKING THING, WHY DOES NOBODY TELL ME THESE THINGS?!”

One kid brought in wasabi candy. He offered some to his table mate before telling him what it was. He ate the offered treat with hesitance and a shrug, but the underlying regret was visible before long.

“I hope you know my scoliosis doesn’t like you.”

Some people (4 or 5?) in the corner of the room, taking the Rice Purity test and comparing answers

Apparently the sole girl of the group had the worst score

A math teacher who doubled as the theater director had his yearbook picture taken in a ghillie suit

The ghillie suits had been gotten for the production of Little Shop of Horrors the year prior

“I love getting stepped on!”

Someone was complaining about how their hair looked bad. Our teacher just “Yeah, tell me about it,” gesturing to his own balding head

One of the freshmen band kids after graduation reverently whispering “You’re free” to every graduate they passed

For graduation, all of the people of the band and choir were wearing muted colors - whites, blacks, pale blues, soft floral patterns, etc. - and then we have one cackling flutist in fluorescent orange

“If Kim Kardashian doesn’t feel ashamed, neither should you” - the fucking valedictorian speech

It contained other golden moments such as “I got to work with some of these students due to my participation in The King and I,” (Note: he was the king) “and one of them said something profound that stuck with me. He beckoned me closer and made me lean down and he whispered in my ear… “yolo.” Now, according to Urban Dictionary, yolo is “a term that should have stopped being used five years ago and means You only live once””

He kept looping back to yolo. “What does yolo mean to you”

Next day some of us from the musical had been talking about that the next day. The collective statement was “Hudson. That was Hudson”

“We were the first class to take keystones, and the last generation to not get touchscreen laptops. What a time to be alive!”

The “corner crew” of Latin class (the people who had taken the Rice Purity test) decided to get a group picture with the teacher. One person in the group is my book-nerd friend who had been placed there by the teacher in an attempt to break up their antics (it didn’t work, they absorbed him, much to his exasperation). My friend is the smallest out of the group, so they decided to pick him up. The picture was taken with “Te Amo, Latin” written on the board behind them, my friend held aloft horizontally, and magistra slightly crouched in front of the group with an unsure smile.

The corner crew also had done a presentation on how Canada is just a government conspiracy and also the government is run by shape shifting lizards

“Did you really assign a project? Mr [Last name], I am appalled! There are four days left in school”

It was a 6 prompt essay. All prompts had to be answered with proper sources and everything.

That got a lot longer than intended, so I only covered the happenings of last year (still 6.5 pages of nearly 16)...

[sunriseinorbit]

Title: What You Are In The Dark Fandom: Haikyuu!! Pairings: Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi Words: 2157 Summary: Late nights aren’t anything new. Read on AO3

This is the fic I wrote for @yankasmiles for the @tsukyamgiftexchange! Enjoy!~

Lil note: Okay it’s time for a super embarrassing confession and I hope this isn’t too weird but here we go. So when I first got the message in my inbox like “you will be making a gift for: yankasmiles” I kind of panicked. I saved this as “oh no oh no oh no” in my google docs. I’m a huge fan (I typed fuge han at first lmao) of yours and I admire you so much, both as an artist/general content creator and as a person, and I was really nervous writing this because I’m like “omg what if it’s actually good and Yanka likes it and we start talking and we’re kinda friends??!?!!” because yeah I’m a very shy bean. I just want to talk tsukyam with you because you’re the actual Tsukyam Queen and I’m rambling now but I hope this isn’t too awkward and I really hope you like this!! Happy holidays and happy 2017!!!

Also, thanks to @violet-boy for betaing! You deserve the world <3

The poster is neat and organized, just the way Kei likes it. All the outlining is done, the title’s written at the top in purple pen in a simple but interesting script filled with loops and swirls - thanks to Tadashi, of course; Kei’s never been artsy enough for anything like that - and the pictures are laid out in columns, waiting to be glued down. It isn’t anywhere near finished, sure, but it looks good for what it is. And it’ll get done before tomorrow morning. Somehow.

“Hey, Tadashi?” he asks.

“Yeah?” Tadashi asks back, interrupting himself with a yawn. Kei feels bad about not starting to work earlier. Now Tadashi’s tired and they still have plenty of work to do.

“Did you finish the captions?”

“Yeah, I’m printing them out right now.” Tadashi quickly types something out on his computer. “We just need to glue them onto the poster and we’re done.”

“Good.” Kei looks down at the pictures on the poster paper already. The captions are going to fit just fine. “You can go to bed if you want, I can finish.”

“I wouldn’t do that.” Tadashi laughs as the printer buzzes to life. “And you’re sitting on my bed.”

“I can move.” Kei shrugs.

“It’s okay, really.” Tadashi turns on his desk light and shuts his laptop before he turns around in his chair. “I’ll cut out the captions and you can glue them on.”

“If you’re sure.”

“I’m sure.”

Tadashi stands up and walks over to the printer. He waits for all the captions to print before he picks them up, carrying them back to his desk and setting them down. “Are we doing borders?”

“We have them on the pictures, so I guess we have to.” Kei eyes the stack of blue construction paper next to him on the bed. “Do you want to cut those out, too?”

“I probably should.” Tadashi sits down again with a sigh.

“All right.” Kei grabs the stack of paper and holds it out to Tadashi, who takes it and puts it on the desk next to the captions.

He yawns again. “What time is it?”

Kei looks at the alarm clock on Tadashi’s bedside table. “11:42.”

“I thought it was later.”

“Hm.”

They fall silent again as Tadashi starts cutting the captions out. The reason they’re up this late at all is half-procrastination, half-things-that-can’t-be-helped. The project was assigned two weeks ago, but between practice and Kei being at training camp for a week, they haven’t had much time to work, and they’ve spent most of it not working. So here they are.

The poster is their final project in English. Everyone in their class had to pair up and choose a topic to make a poster on that had something to do with a country that had English as an official language. There’s a lot to cover with a topic like NASA, but it’s better than a test.

Doesn’t mean it’s any less work, though.

“I’m done with half of everything,” Tadashi drawls. He never goes to bed later than eleven unless he has to, and now he seems sleepier than ever.

“Okay, thanks.” Kei turns around and takes the stack of white and blue pieces of paper and starts matching them to the pictures. He doesn’t want to start gluing anything down until he’s sure it’s right; it’ll save him a lot of trouble later.

He starts with the caption about the moon landing. He at least knows where that goes. He sets the blue border down first and the white caption on top of it before he gets off the bed and onto the floor. That’ll probably be easier.

Next is the Hubble Telescope. That’s one of the words he can pick out right off the bat. He puts it in its place and smooths it out before moving on to the International Space Station. He’s pleased to find that everything is going much faster than he thought it would. After the three captions are set, he starts gluing them down. He has to redo the Hubble one a few times, since he keeps gluing it down crooked, but he can afford that. The glue isn’t dry yet.

“Hey, Tadashi, do you have the other three captions?” he asks.

There’s no response. Come to think of it, the cutting sound has stopped, too.

“Tadashi?”

Still nothing.

Kei makes his way up to his feet, looking at the time before he turns around. 12:07. He’s starting to feel a little sleepy himself, and he’s used to staying up later than this. He’s not sure why.

When he turns around, he’s greeted with the image of Tadashi fast asleep at his desk. His head is resting on top of one arm next to the stack of fully-cut captions, which in turn is sitting right next to the stack of fully-cut borders. He looks slightly uncomfortable, but he doesn’t seem to care. He’s never let any weird terrain get in the way of getting to sleep before.

Kei isn’t exactly sure what to do. He could grab everything off the desk and glue it down and get everything done, but by doing that he’s risking waking Tadashi up, which is something he really doesn’t want to do if he can help it.

But Tadashi can sleep through pretty much anything, and it’s Kei’s duty to finish the project. So he grabs both stacks of papers in one hand and sits down on the floor again, matching each caption up with its corresponding picture before gluing it down. It doesn't take him that long to finish, but he still lets out a relieved breath when everything’s stuck on, briefly admiring his and Tadashi’s handiwork. It doesn’t look particularly beautiful or anything like that, but it looks like a slightly-better-than-average three-quarters-of-the-way-finished high school English project. He can live with that.

He gently moves the poster closer to the wall so no one steps on it, making sure that nothing on it moves while he's sliding it over. After checking to see that everything’s still intact, he walks back over to the desk, where Tadashi’s still asleep. He looks like he could easily spend the whole night here without getting anywhere close to waking up again.

But falling asleep at a desk is something that Kei knows from personal experience only produces neck cramps and regret, and he really doesn't want Tadashi to wake up in the morning with any kind of pain after he was already up so late. There has to be something he can do.

He realizes what that something is once he spots the wheels on the bottom of the chair rolling back away from the desk. It's happening so slowly that it's barely noticeable, but the chair's moving.

Taking three slow steps on his tiptoes, Kei sneaks over to the desk. His heart pounds in his chest and he wonders if this is even a remotely good idea. Whatever. It's too late to stop now.

He reaches out and grabs the back of the chair, one hand before the other. As soon as he has a strong enough grip on it, he starts pulling back. It’s agonizingly slow, no faster than the chair was moving before, but if he doesn’t want to wake Tadashi up, he can’t go any faster.

When the chair’s far enough away from the desk, Tadashi’s head slides off the end of the desk and he stirs for a second but doesn’t wake up. He leans back, head resting against the back of the chair, which makes things slightly harder on Kei’s end, but he doesn’t really mind.

Kei finally stops to take a breath when the chair is right next to Tadashi’s bed, and even then, he can’t quite figure out what to do next. He wants to get Tadashi from the chair to the bed somehow, but he doesn’t know how he’s supposed to do that. Should he just pick him up and carry him over? Pick up the chair and dump him out onto the bed and hope for the best? Neither of those seem like things he would do, but desperate times call for desperate measures and Tadashi isn’t that heavy, right?

“...Huh?”

Before Kei can even make a move, Tadashi’s already waking up, and he looks ridiculously cute doing it. He blinks his eyes open slowly, eyebrows scrunched together as he looks up into Kei’s eyes. “...What’s going on?”

“You fell asleep at your desk.”

Tadashi’s eyes widen for a split second before he sighs. “Did I?”

Kei nods. “I finished the poster, though. You did more than enough work and I didn't want to wake you up.”

“Yeah, but I feel bad about it now.” Tadashi frowns.

“There wasn’t a lot left to do.”

“...Then what were you doing?”

Kei can feel his cheeks turning bright red. He can’t say what he was doing, that’s stupid, but he can’t exactly lie either. He’s never been able to lie to Tadashi at all, certainly not well. “Well, I was -” He couldn’t say it like that. “I was going to -” He couldn’t say it like that either. “I was about to -” Damn it.

Tadashi laughs, the quiet really-tired-sounding but really-adorable laugh when it's too late to give it everything. “Got it.”

“I - was actually rolling your chair back and..." Kei trails off. Why did he even try? Even telling the truth isn't working for him.

"You don't have to to tell me if you don't -"

"This is stupid but I was rolling your chair over here because I thought you looked uncomfortable and I was going to try to carry you back to your bed or something even though I'm definitely not strong enough for that -"

"Wait, what?" Tadashi smiles in disbelief, and the look in his eyes says that he's clearly judging Kei at least a little. Dammit, he's already embarrassed enough as is. He actually rambled about something, and now he's being judged for it. Not fair.

"Yes, now can we change the subject?"

"That's so sweet!" Tadashi gushes.

"Really?"

"Yes." Tadashi sits up and stretches his arms up above his head before crawling over the gap between the chair and the bed. He doesn't even touch the floor. "Come on."

"What?" Kei blinks.

With a tiny, slightly-sleepy smirk, Tadashi wraps his arms around Kei's waist and pulls him onto the bed until they're lying right next to each other. They're looking right into each other's eyes when Tadashi giggles, still hugging him. "I said, come on."

Well, Kei knew this would turn into a cuddle session eventually.

"How dare you take advantage of me like that?" He whispers.

The moonlight sparkles in Tadashi's eyes as he smiles, subtly letting go. "What are you talking about?"

He tilts his head up and presses a quick, tired kiss to Kei's lips and lets it linger, leaving Kei with no choice but to reciprocate for the short time it lasts. It's soft and simple; their lips barely touch and they're both about to fall asleep anyway. Kei's still glad to find out that he's in the perfect position to smell the strawberry-scented shampoo in Tadashi's hair.

After a few seconds, Tadashi doesn't pull away but rather falls out of the kiss, letting his head rest on the pillow. He sighs contentedly, closing his eyes with a smile as he rolls onto his back. Unfortunately - or maybe fortunately, in this case - there isn't enough room for Kei to do the same.

"Don't move," Tadashi whispers, the only sound in the room this late at night.

"I won't," Kei whispers back. The next second, he feels a pair of thin arms wrap themselves around his torso as Tadashi snuggles in closer, resting his head on top of one of Kei's arms and essentially pinning it down. "May I ask why now?"

"You're warm," Tadashi murmurs, his voice muffled up by the fabric of Kei's shirt.

"We're lying on top of three blankets."

"It's not the same." Tadashi stops for a few seconds, like he doesn't want to say any more on the subject before he starts talking again. "If you don't like it -"

"No, I like it." Kei means that part, he really does. He's just not good at talking, especially past midnight. He takes the arm that isn't pinned down and wraps it around Tadashi's shoulder. For emphasis.

"Good." Tadashi already sounds like he's falling asleep again. "The alarm's set, right?"

"7:05."

"Perfect." He gets even closer, his voice dropping down to a whisper. "'Night."

"Goodnight," Kei whispers back before closing his eyes and drifting off, out like a light in under a minute. Sure, he's not going to get as much sleep as he wants to, and the pictures on the poster are probably a little crooked since he glued them on in the dark, but that's okay.

He’ll definitely sleep better this way.

[brentrogers]

Podcast: Using Death as Motivation to Live



How often do you think about death? If you’re like most people, you probably try to keep it in the back corners of your mind. But according to today’s guest, Kate Manser, remembering you might die tomorrow is the best inspiration to live today. Kate asserts that when we incorporate a certain level of mortality awareness into our daily lives, it motivates us to value life so much more and to live each day with intention. We start to find joy in the small things and live in a way that makes a positive outward ripple for all of humanity.

So how do we manage to think about death without falling into fear? Tune into today’s Psych Central podcast to hear Kate’s journey and how we can all live life to the fullest.

SUBSCRIBE & REVIEW

Guest information for ‘Kate Manser- Death as Motivation’ Podcast Episode

At 30 years old, Kate Manser realized an important truth: Remembering that you might die tomorrow is the best inspiration to live today. After experiencing this radical shift in perspective, Kate quit her job at Google to build YOU MIGHT DIE TOMORROW, her movement to inspire people at every age to really live before they die. 

If you remember only one thing about Kate, let it be this: she is just so happy to be alive. Find more of her work at www.youmightdietomorrow.com. 

About The Psych Central Podcast Host

Gabe Howard is an award-winning writer and speaker who lives with bipolar disorder. He is the author of the popular book, Mental Illness is an Asshole and other Observations, available from Amazon; signed copies are also available directly from the author. To learn more about Gabe, please visit his website, gabehoward.com.

Computer Generated Transcript for ‘Kate Manser- Death as Motivation’ Episode

Editor’s Note: Please be mindful that this transcript has been computer generated and therefore may contain inaccuracies and grammar errors. Thank you.

Announcer: You’re listening to the Psych Central Podcast, where guest experts in the field of psychology and mental health share thought-provoking information using plain, everyday language. Here’s your host, Gabe Howard.

Gabe Howard: Welcome to this week’s episode of the Psych Central Podcast. Calling into the show today we have Kate Manser. At 30 years old, Kate realized an important truth, remembering that you might die tomorrow is the best inspiration to live today. After experiencing this radical shift in perspective, Kate quit her job at Google to build YOU MIGHT DIE TOMORROW, her movement to inspire people at every age to really live before they die. Kate, welcome to the show.

Kate Manser: Gabe, happy today.

Gabe Howard: Oh, thank you so much for being here. Now, today we’re going to discuss death or are we going to discuss life? How do you see it?

Kate Manser: Absolutely, yeah. I mean, it’s all kind of intertwined. You can’t have a conversation about death without also having a conversation about life. And also usually at that table is a conversation about fear and/or anxiety as well as meaning.

Gabe Howard: In the preparation for the show, I kept seeing, you know, death over and over and over again. And at first it was a little overwhelming, like, why couldn’t it be called “You might live tomorrow?” You know, death just has such a negative connotation to it. And in fact, I think most of us would agree that death is negative. How do you wrap your mind around you actually being an incredibly positive person?

Kate Manser: Yes, absolutely. I am an extremely positive person, and it’s a couple of different things. Number one, which is facing your fears, it’s a version of exposure therapy. So I actually went through a year of really intense death anxiety where I was afraid of death all the time. Every time I got in the car, every time I laid down to go to sleep, I would have movies playing in my head that my mom died or how I died. And so, what broke that for me was realizing I have one life, I’m going to die no matter what. I can either embrace that truth and use it as my motivation to live, or I can just waste my life continuing in fear.

Gabe Howard: This does beg the question; how do you face your fear of death?

Kate Manser: Very carefully and every single day. And the thing is, that again, if we’re thinking about fear, life, death and meaning again, they’re all kind of sitting at this dinner table. No one’s ever going to get up from that table, right? Like fear is always gonna be associated with death. Death is always going to be associated with life. And we’re always trying to find some meaning amongst all of it. And so, I have not overcome my fear of death. I am afraid of death. And I will always continue to be. But what I have done is accepted the reality of my mortality to a point where I am no longer actively in fear of it every day. And what has happened is that I have found that it is my best motivation to live, because I don’t know about you, Gabe, but I work best on deadlines. And so, I’m a procrastinator and I will procrastinate on life for forever and till I’m 80, 90 years old, if hopefully I get there. And then all of a sudden, I look back and I’m like, shoot. I lackadaisically lived my life. And so living as if the deadline is tomorrow for me is the best medicine for a procrastinator.

Gabe Howard: One of the things that you said is finding meaning in life, and the first thing that kind of popped into my head is we have a real problem finding meaning because it’s sort of subjective, right? Some people find meaning in taking care of their dog. But other people are like, well, no, unless I cure cancer, my life has no meaning. How do you find meaning in your life, especially the big things versus the everyday things?

Kate Manser: So I’ll answer that question. But just backing up a little bit to kind of get towards that, which is if you study the psychology of mortality awareness and the psychology of fear in general, the two best ways to mitigate or minimize your fear of death are, number one, exposure therapy. So gently invite mortality into your life by reclassifying death as no longer morbid, but a natural part of life. There’s all these Instagram accounts that you can follow, books you can read. And even just observing death and endings in your life can help you recondition that response from fear and this like connotation of morbidity to again, that everyday fact of life. And the second-best way to mitigate your fear of death is to live meaningfully because, OK, sure, dying is scary. It’s mysterious. We don’t know. But a perhaps bigger fear is dying having not lived. Right? Dying, having not lived, having wasted our life. And so, by living in alignment with our meaning, whatever that subjective meaning is, like you said, we can minimize our fear of death. Well, how do you live meaningfully? I don’t know. Nobody really knows. And I think it’s really stressful to try to, like, live your greater purpose in life. So what I do is I just try to enjoy my life every single day. And I believe that at the end of my life, if I have enjoyed my life, I will not only not regret my life, but I will have created a positive impact which is also meaningful to me.

Gabe Howard: I love everything that you said, but there’s also this part of me that just immediately was like, well, in order to love my life, I want to quit my job, I want to sell my house. I want to basically in order to find joy in my life, I think I need to be independently wealthy. And of course, I’m not independently wealthy. And I noticed even while you were talking, I was getting stuck in this feedback loop where I was like, oh, well, I can’t do that because I have to work. 

Kate Manser: Yeah.

Gabe Howard: I can’t do that because I have to take care of my wife. Oh, I have family responsibilities. And I imagine that a lot of our listeners are thinking, well, this is nonsense. You just can’t have joy all the time. What do you say to that?

Kate Manser: Well, what I can tell you is that, I had what I consider, I guess, a spiritual awakening, which is when I realized and totally changed my perspective on death, that opened me up and made me care less about what other people think, made me value time more, made me want to prioritize enjoying my life. And the other thing that I did once I had that spiritual awakening was I did quit my job. I did travel around the world for two years. And you know what happened at the end when I after the two years I was traveling and everything was great was I ran out of money and I had to come back to regular life. I had to get a regular job, get a regular apartment. And what I realized in that whole experience is that big, meaningful things, like you said, becoming independently wealthy, quitting your job, starting a business, having kids, whatever that is for you. Those are important. And you will remember those at the end of your life. And I can almost guarantee that you will likely regret not having tried those big meaningful things. But what I realized when the dust settled after my spiritual awakening and quitting the job and traveling around the world is that that experience fades and exhilaration fades. But what I found is that my new path in life and my new idea of what living like you might die tomorrow is, is finding those small, meaningful things that bring joy to our everyday life. Like looking up at a blue sky and just smiling and feeling your aliveness, hearing the sound of your spouse or your kids laugh, like really literally stopping to smell the flowers, enjoying the taste of your coffee. Like these are the small, meaningful things that will make up, both in quantity and quality, the greater enjoyment of your life.

Gabe Howard: Much of what you said, they just sound like really difficult and tough decisions that people have to make in their lives, and you have something called the death bed gut check. I’m very interested to hear what that is.

Kate Manser: So the death bed gut check is something that I just started naturally doing when I realized how clear your perspective on life is when you look at it from the perspective of your death. So there’s something about being at the end of your life. Again, you don’t really care what people think. You have this sense of authenticity. You have a clear perspective on what is and is not important to you. But I don’t want to wait until I’m dead or on my deathbed to be able to have that clear perspective on my life. So what I do is when I’m faced with a decision in life, and this could be something as simple as what should I do today to something as big as should I quit my job or should I have kids or should I go skydiving? And we can kind of do this together, which is you think of a tough decision that you’re facing in your life and you close your eyes and you imagine yourself from the perspective of being on your deathbed and you’re looking back on the present moment. So you have your decision you mentioned. How would I feel looking back on this decision at the end of my life if I chose option A? And you observe how you feel in your gut. Maybe you feel a sinking feeling that you have taken the wrong path. Maybe you feel a lightness of being and like a happiness that you did something that you felt was in alignment with your sense of meaning. And maybe you repeat that looking at having chosen option B or however many options you have. But again, this perspective of being at the end of your life, all of the judgment, fear, worry just slides away and we’re left with this clear perspective. And so the deathbed gut check allows you to access that clear perspective while you’re alive.

Gabe Howard: In a way, it sounds a lot like you’re saying that you have to live with intention. I think many of us just kind of pinball from from one crisis or one vacation or one work day or one moment to the next. And there’s no intention. When you’re considering how this decision is going to feel when you’re on your deathbed, that seems very, very intentional to me.

Kate Manser: Oh, absolutely. And I think about it in terms of supply and demand. Right? When we have an overabundance of a commodity, whatever it is, the price goes down and we care less about it. Right? When the price of gas is low, you go to any old gas station that’s anywhere. But when the price of gas is high, you value it more and you’re gonna seek out the highest value that you can find for that. And that’s what living like you might die tomorrow does, it puts life in the perspective of a limited supply, which then raises the perceived value which causes you to live more intentionally. Because if you think you’re going to live to all eighty seven years of American life expectancy, like the supply is great and therefore the value is lower. But if you look at your life as a very, very limited time offer, the value skyrockets and suddenly every moment is this high value gift.

Gabe Howard: I’m still very hung up on this concept of how can death be motivation to live? I’m starting to understand it. And of course, you know, death is something that we all pretend that we’re not going to do. 

Kate Manser: Mm-hmm.

Gabe Howard: For whatever reason, we all think that we’re going to live forever, even though that’s statistically impossible. But you have turned death into a motivation which is incredibly intriguing. But can you drill down even farther on how death can be motivation to live? 

Kate Manser: I think it’s different for everyone, like so for me, thinking about death again puts life in that limited supply, which thereby raises the value. It also gives me a sense of clarity on my life. Like I said, so that again raises the value and again, just thinking the fact that death is something that is going to happen to every single one of us. Right? You can come to terms with it or you cannot. I prefer a life in which I do come to terms with it. And it causes you to think about your life in a very different way and thinking that your life will go on and on and on forever with, you know, this immortal kind of mindset, like you just said, again, that value goes down. And I want a life that I feel alive. I want a life that I enjoy moments and remember doing things that I feel good about. I’m also like a selfish and egotistical person, like everybody else. And like, when I do die, I want butts in seats at that funeral. I want people to feel a space where I have gone. Part of living like you might die tomorrow is realizing that we create our legacy every single day. And so, if you want to be remembered as great, you have to live as great. If you want people to miss you when you’re gone, you have to live in a way today that makes them miss you when you are gone. And so, for me, that’s kind of a selfish and egotistical thing. But I don’t really care the motivation, whatever it takes to motivate me to live a good life. I embrace.

Gabe Howard: Kate, the sentiment you might die tomorrow, it seems really kind of harsh. How do you soften that?

Kate Manser: Typically, my brand is you might die tomorrow in big letters and then below that, but much smaller, it says so live today. And for most people who have this kind of ingrained fear of death, which the fear of death is universal. So there’s always going to be fear. But that “so live today” at the bottom just really helps people embrace the message of you might die tomorrow. There are so many people that think about death and there’s so many people that either had a near-death experience or have had a traumatic loss in their life. And it’s caused them to look at life differently. People will talk to me about how they had lost someone in their lives. You know, their mom had died and they had been living differently ever since. And now they’ve finally seen a saying that helps them put a framework to their new outlook on life. I’ve gotten comments like this is the most motivating sticker I’ve ever seen on one of my runs. Finally, someone is talking about death in a motivating way. I have thousands and thousands of followers that they are desperate for someone to finally bring death out of the darkness and into the light and be reminded that we all need to wake up and realize that our life is a limited time offer.  

Gabe Howard: We will be right back after these messages.

Sponsor Message: Hey folks, Gabe here. I host another podcast for Psych Central. It’s called Not Crazy. He hosts Not Crazy with me, Jackie Zimmerman, and it is all about navigating our lives with mental illness and mental health concerns. Listen now at Psych Central.com/NotCrazy or on your favorite podcast player.

Sponsor Message: This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.com. Secure, convenient, and affordable online counseling. Our counselors are licensed, accredited professionals. Anything you share is confidential. Schedule secure video or phone sessions, plus chat and text with your therapist whenever you feel it’s needed. A month of online therapy often costs less than a single traditional face to face session. Go to BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral and experience seven days of free therapy to see if online counseling is right for you. BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral.

Gabe Howard: We are back discussing how you might die tomorrow with Kate Manser. Let’s talk about your story for a moment. You’ve kind of described it as you woke up one day and you realized that you could die, so that ended positively. What’s the long version?

Kate Manser: Yes. I mean, the long version is that I was just like everybody else. I never really thought about death at all. I just assumed that I would live forever, live to be 90 and. But what happened was in 2014, in the span of six months, I had three of my friends die who were around my same age just from random, unexpected tragedies. My boss at Google, he was on vacation and died when he was jumping into the water. A friend of mine from college died walking across the street. She was hit by a drunk driver. And a family member of mine died from aggressive renal cancer at 35. So that was what sent me into that year of death anxiety. And I think a lot of people go through a period in our life where we are sort of consumed by the fear of death and the mysteriousness of it. And it was to the point that it took over my life and I was no longer enjoying my life because I was constantly preoccupied with death. And what finally snapped me out of that unexpectedly was a fourth friend of mine died. He was climbing Mount Everest, my friend Dan Fredinburg, and he died when the Nepal earthquake struck in the spring of 2015, which triggered an avalanche on the mountain.

Kate Manser: And his death caused me to look at my life and be like, Kate, you’re afraid of driving through an intersection. You have allowed the fear of death to take over your life. And here’s your amazing brave friend living out his most authentic life. You know, I could die climbing Everest. I could die in the intersection that I’m afraid of, or I could die climbing the stairs. And I just realized I didn’t want to expend my precious life, time and energy in fear. And I would rather spend my life energy living my best possible most vibrant life. And usually, after someone dies, it’s like, oh, hug your kids tighter, call your mom. But that always fades. But why can’t we have that perspective for our entire life? And so that’s really what shifted for me. And then soon after that, I had a realization where I was like, I don’t have to follow the blueprint. I can live the life that I want. I could go live on a boat; I could move to Japan. I realized that I have autonomy over my life. And all of this took place around the age of thirty for me. And so now I think about death every day. And I don’t want to die. I always will have fear. But I see death as my greatest motivation to live while I’m still kickin.

Gabe Howard: That’s just an absolutely incredible story. And I am so sorry for your loss. I don’t think anybody can listen to your story and also not feel bad in addition to feeling positive that you had like a spiritual awakening. That’s a lot of death to overcome and in a relatively short period of time. Did you have any negative effects from that?

Kate Manser: Oh, yeah, absolutely. So, I mean, I went through that year of intense death anxiety where that was not a way to live, but in my research of all of this afterwards. You know, we’ve all heard of PTSD, post-traumatic stress disorder.

Gabe Howard: Mm-hmm. Yes.

Kate Manser: We’re very familiar with what that looks like. What are some of the things that cause that? Certainly, loss and grief is absolutely a trigger for PTSD. But what I learned in my research is that there’s another aspect of that called PTG, post-traumatic growth. And it’s not an either-or. It’s not like, oh, you have a traumatic experience and either you get PTSD or you have this PTG, post-traumatic growth. They can both occur. And again, psychology is rarely linear. And so what I think happened to me was that I experienced these deaths, I went through some PTSD, I guess, and then through that, I was able to kind of flow into post-traumatic growth. What happens in PTG is your life gets jumbled up by an experience. Typically, a very negative traumatic experience and then assimilate and readjust your new life and potentially change your perspectives and grow. And I think it’s a common thing. Right? This idea of going through a hard time and coming out better and stronger after a period of really difficult grief or hard times. And so what happened to me was that I was able to again, reframe death from being this terrifying thing that was taking over my life to death is the non-negotiable. Right? That thing is stationary. It’s going to happen. I don’t know when. What’s malleable is my response to it. And so I decided to make my response one of productivity. And I think when we look at death, you can either respond with apathy, right? We’re going to die. Life is meaningless. Or you can respond with anxiety, which is what I did, which is to live in fear of death. Or you can respond with action. And I’m happy that I finally got to that point of productive action. I am not special. I believe that everyone can get to that point.

Gabe Howard: And how does one get to that point, how do we break out of that apathy?

Kate Manser: Well, I think a message like you might die tomorrow and realizing that death is going to happen and that we have the ability and the power to choose our response to that is, I think, a great start. And back from the beginning of the show when we were talking about the two ways to mitigate the fear of death. The first is just generally incorporating that mortality awareness into your life and trying to change your perspective on it is the first way to mitigate that fear, that exposure therapy. And then the second way is to just live your best life. Have fun. Take moments to really appreciate being alive and enjoy yourself. And collectively, those moments will add up to a life that you will be happy to have led whenever the time comes for you to die.

Gabe Howard: Why do you think this has resonated with so many people?  How do people usually respond?

Kate Manser: I don’t know what it is, Gabe, because when I first started it, I said this radically changed my life for the better. I want to share this with other people. And I had no idea. I just started this as a blog. I had no idea that it would turn into the movement or revolution or whatever you want to call it today. And I’m sure some people just give it the. That’s morbid or I wish I didn’t see that. But there’s also so many people that message me every single day and say, this has changed my life and I’m finally awake.

Gabe Howard: Kate, thank you so much for being here, what are your final words for our listeners? Because we covered a lot and even as I’m sitting here, I’m like, oh, that’s very positive. And then I think, oh, that’s scary and that’s death. And I certainly don’t know what our listeners are thinking, but I can tell you, I just, every time death comes up, there’s this feeling in my chest. And while I’m hearing your words and intellectually, I was like, that is an excellent point. That is amazing. I still have this, like, gut check. That’s like, ohh bad, ohh bad.

Kate Manser: Yeah.

Gabe Howard: What are your thoughts on that?

Kate Manser: So psychologist Dr. Irvin D. Yalom wrote this wonderful book that I recommend that’s geared toward both the layman as well as the psychologist. It’s called Staring at the Sun. And he is an existential psychologist. He’s I mean, I think he’s in his 90s now. He’s still doing wonderful work. And in his book, he says that in his whole career of talking with patients that have problems in their life and/or fear of death, the greatest way that he has found to be an antidote to the fear of death is the concept of rippling. The idea of rippling is that what we do in our lives, in particular, good things, they create ripples or the butterfly effect, as many of us might be familiar with, that will continue to ripple out far beyond not only our, the people in our life, but far beyond even our existence in our own life. So the good that we do in our life, the positive life that we choose to lead, will create your legacy and that positive legacy of ripples that will continue to go out long after you’re gone. And again, that is a beautiful way that we can remember that how we live matters, how we approach our day matters, how we talk to the clerk at the corner store matters. We create positive ripples every single day. And that creates that legacy of goodness that I think we all, at our core, really want. And so just enjoy your life, have fun, feel alive. And that is the best way to create a positive legacy for yourself in the world.

Gabe Howard: Kate, thank you so much for being here. Where can folks find you online and where can they get your book?

Kate Manser: Yes, absolutely, I’m so excited to finally bring this book into the world, the title of the book is the same as the brand and the movement. YOU MIGHT DIE TOMORROW, SO LIVE TODAY. You can find it on Amazon, Barnes & Noble. You can find the audio book on Audible and I have my hub on YouMightDieTomorrow.com where I do writings and interviews. And I’d love to get you a sticker and you can get T-shirts and all that good stuff to remind you to have fun every single day.

Gabe Howard: Kate, thank you again for being here and thank you all for listening. Do you like this show? Please subscribe, rank, review. If you share us on social media, use your words. Tell people why you liked it and why they should listen. And remember, you can get one week of free, convenient, affordable, private online counseling anytime, anywhere, simply by visiting BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral. We will see everybody next week.

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