#i had the worst shit happen to me last night and i feel like ive really lost my shit this time

[butnotbubblegum]

using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, don’t read them if you’re having a bad day, they’ll probably not help in the slightest.

[pearlpool]

hm.

[atlabeth]

everything happens for a reason part 20 - zuko x fem!reader

Guess it's true, I'm never getting over you

part 19 | masterlist | part 21

a/n: holy shit guys. we're finally here. the title chapter, the part that officially puts us over the 100k mark, the turning point, the end of the constant mf angst that i've put you all through. that's right. it's finally time for yn and zuko's life changing field trip. ive had this idea down for so long and i can't believe we're actually here lol. buckle up because she's a very long and very emotional one. i hope you enjoy.

wc: 14.3k I KNOW IM SORRY

warning(s): a lot of angst, fighting, violence (including minor character death), a whole lot of emotions, but the fluffy reconciliation you've all been waiting for<3

chapter title comes from everything happens for a reason (!!!!!!) by madison beer

Y/N felt betrayed. 

It wasn’t a secret how she felt about Zuko. She avoided him at every possible moment, making herself scarce whenever he walked into a room or completely ignoring him in group conversation—it was the closest she could get to the civility required now that he was Aang’s firebending teacher, and even that was difficult. 

Not because she didn’t want anything to do with Zuko—no, it was becoming the opposite, and it scared her more than anything. 

She found herself thinking of him more often than not. And not of the North, or their meetings along their journey, not the catacombs—she found herself recalling the more pleasant memories. 

The time they spent together whenever they could when she was still a servant and he was still a prince. The sunset they shared together the night before her life was turned upside down. Those afternoons when she would visit him in the tea shop, talking like they used to, smiling like they used to. 

Remembering him for who he was rather than who he had become was dangerous. It was how she got her heart broken in the first place, how she went through some of the worst months of her life. 

He couldn’t hurt her again if she didn’t give him the chance to. So she wouldn’t. 

But it was getting harder and harder to avoid him, because one by one, her friends forgave him. 

First, she’d heard, was Toph. She didn’t have any kind of grudge against him, and she was able to make up for him burning her feet tenfold now that he was part of the team. 

Next was Aang. He was already far too forgiving, the amount of grace inside of him more than Y/N could even hope to muster. They proved themselves in front of the last dragons together, and apparently that was enough for Aang to trust him. 

It took Sokka a bit longer, but after what they pulled off at the Boiling Rock together, he didn’t seem to have a hard time getting along with Zuko. The fact that he helped save Y/N and Suki probably didn’t hurt his chances either. 

Zuko had burned down Suki’s village, but Y/N still remembered what she told him in the courtyard—”if you can get me out of here, you’re forgiven. Kyoshi’s fans, I’ll be your best friend.” They weren’t exactly that close, but they worked together, and that was enough. 

Katara, it seemed, was the only one who still shared Y/N’s scorned feelings. They held onto each other like a lifeline, feeding off of the other in their hatred. It might not have been the healthiest option, but they refused to forgive Zuko. They stewed in their hurt, and it felt good. It felt good to have a target for their bitterness rather than the abstract ideal of betrayal, and Zuko worked just fine. 

After they had fought against Azula, the night they settled on a random Fire Nation island, the two of them sat together on the outskirts of camp. They were meant to be keeping watch together, but instead they made quiet conversation. 

“So,” Katara said, “today was… something.” 

“That’s one way to say it,” Y/N said wryly. “Since joining you guys, I’ve had enough action for a lifetime. I can’t wait for all this to be over.” 

Katara smiled, but it was wistful. “Neither can I. This has all gone on for so long—all I want is peace.” 

A memory flashed through her mind—frantic screams, desperate pleading, flames devouring centuries of life—and Y/N swallowed thickly as she tried to push it away. The closer the day came, the more the memories would appear. It happened every year, but this time it was worse. 

“Me too,” she murmured. “More than anything.” 

Katara looked at her for a moment, her gaze softening before she finally spoke. “Are you okay? I… I know today wasn’t easy.” 

Y/N managed a thin smile, but it wasn’t convincing. “You don’t have to worry about me.” 

“You know I can’t do that,” Katara said dryly. “We look out for each other—we always have, even from the first day we met. But it’s like you’re trying to make it as hard as possible for me to care about you.” 

“One of my many skills,” she said sarcastically, but Katara didn’t laugh. Y/N sighed in response, long and deep, and allowed her gaze to drift into the murky distance. At nighttime, the water and the sky became one. It was calming. “I just…” she shook her head, “I don’t know what to do.” 

“With Zuko,” she guessed. 

“With everything,” Y/N said, but then she sighed again. “...Zuko included.” 

“He doesn’t deserve you,” Katara said quietly. “Not after everything he’s put you through.” 

“I keep telling myself that,” she murmured. “But there’s something inside of me that I can’t get rid of.” She looked at Katara, the beginnings of tears glimmering in her eyes. “There— there’s this hope that I can’t get rid of, that things could be the way they used to be again. And— and last time I felt that way was in Ba Sing Se, and I know where that got me, so—” 

Katara stayed silent, only taking her hand to acknowledge her while allowing her to continue. It was a lifeline to her, one sorely needed, and she let out a shaky breath. 

“So why do I still feel that way?” she asked, almost desperately. “How have they all forgiven him so easily? They know what he did— spirits, Aang died because of him— but they’re all able to sit around and joke with him like nothing happened.” 

“They didn’t trust him the way we did,” Katara said with a quiet anger. “They didn’t trust him the way we did, so it didn’t hurt them the way it hurt us.” 

“I don’t want to forgive him,” Y/N said weakly. “But the thought of losing him hurts so much. Why does it hurt so much?”

“I don’t know,” Katara murmured. “I… I don’t know.”

Y/N flinched as a tear rolled down her cheek and fell to the ground below, and she instinctively wiped it away. She couldn’t show weakness.

She grimaced at the thought. How long would that wretched place stay with her?

“I’ll give you some time.” Katara’s expression was pained as she squeezed her hand. She didn’t want to leave her alone, but Y/N was thankful for it. Right now she just needed to feel miserable by herself, without bringing Katara down with her. 

“Thank you,” she whispered.

Katara nodded as she stood up. “You can sleep in my tent tonight. Or if you decide you want to talk, come bother me. I promise it’ll be okay.”

Y/N nodded, the action a bit numb, and she could feel Katara’s eyes on her as she lingered. But eventually she mustered the strength to leave, and Y/N was left with her thoughts.

She swallowed the sudden lump in her throat as she stared up at the sky. She tried to find the constellation her father taught her when she was a mere child—the tiger seal. 

It was a jumble of stars that didn’t even remotely resemble the animal, but she remembered late nights spent stargazing on the ground outside their house, giggling endlessly as her father would point out various other constellations that he made up on his own. It would last until her mother would come out and tell them it was far past your bedtime, young lady, but she would never hide her smile as they ambled back inside.

The memory made a smile of her own emerge, but she soon realized she was fully in tears. They slid down her cheeks, falling onto the dirt and stones jutting out of the cliffside. 

She couldn’t stop thinking of Zuko. She couldn’t stop thinking of her father. She felt so deeply broken in a way that she had no idea how to fix, in a way that was threatening to consume her. 

She had her life back. Everything should have been back to normal. 

But instead, she felt more lost than ever.

-

Y/N ended up taking Katara’s offer of sleeping in her tent, and she was glad she did. The familiarity of it all made her heart ache, but she was thankful for it. Thankful that she had friends like these who wouldn’t let her push them away, no matter how much her newly wired instincts told her it was the right thing to do. 

She was visited by her childhood in her dreams yet again. She saw her father and her mother, walking hand in hand with smiles on their faces as they trailed behind a young Y/N skipping through the village paths. 

She saw her child self running, screaming and laughing in equal parts as she was chased by the boy marked as the tagger, only to stagger backwards after running into one of the adults. But she was greeted by the smiling face of her father. The boy tapped her on the shoulder and ran off laughing, but her father knelt down to her level and looked at her completely seriously. 

“I guess that means we’re the taggers now, huh?” And with that, the two of them ran around the village tagging everyone they could with the seriously unfair advantage. 

She saw the moment after she’d learned how to waterbend, sprinting through the whole village to find her father, drag him to the lake, and show him her new skill. Gan held all the stars in his eyes as he watched her bend, and even though it was the simplest thing she could’ve done he praised her to no end. 

The absence of scars, the smoothness of her skin, a bright smile that shone through her—she was unmarked by the world then. Hopeful, content, naive. 

When she woke up with still-wet tear tracks on her cheeks, it wasn't a surprise. She woke up like this more often than not. 

One week. Seven days. And then she would go to face something she wasn’t sure she was ready for.

But for now, there was something else to focus on. She could hear loud voices outside of the tent—all familiar, thankfully—but she knew that meant she had overslept. 

Y/N fixed her hair and her clothes, rubbing furiously at her face to get rid of any signs of her previous emotions, and emerged from the tent to see her friends all standing around Appa. 

“—about getting closure and justice,” she heard Zuko say, and her brows instinctively creased. 

“What’s going on?” Y/N asked, crossing her arms as she stopped between Sokka and Zuko. “What are you all talking about?” 

Zuko’s eyes widened slightly as he looked at her. “Uh— good morning.” 

“Good morning,” she said stiffly before repeating herself. “What’s going on?” 

“Zuko knows where to find the man who killed our mother,” Sokka said. He was oddly quiet. 

“And Katara wants to find him,” Aang said, his expression uneasy. 

“Is there a problem with that?” Katara asked defensively. 

“Not if Zuko’s right and you just want closure,” he said. “But I don’t think that’s what this is about. I think it’s about getting revenge.” 

“Maybe it is!” Katara exclaimed, gesturing with one hand. “Maybe it is about revenge, Aang. But don’t you think I deserve it?” 

“You don’t know what it will do to you,” Aang said. “I know how you feel right now, trust me—like violence is the only way to solve your problem. I felt that way after I discovered what happened to my people. But it’s not the only way.” 

“I can’t let him go now that I know I can get to him!” she yelled, her voice rising with her anger. “Maybe it’s what I need—maybe it’s what he deserves.” 

Aang’s eyes widened slightly. “Katara, you sound like Jet.”

“That’s not the same,” she snapped. “Jet hurt the innocent. This man— he’s not innocent. He’s a monster.” 

“Katara, she was my mother too, but I think Aang might be right,” Sokka said. 

She set her jaw. “Then you didn’t love her the way I did.” 

Sokka took a step back as his eyes widened. “Katara…”  

“The monks used to say that revenge is like a two-headed rat viper.” Aang spoke up quickly, trying to fill the air after what she’d said. “While you watch your enemy go down, you’re being poisoned yourself.” 

“That’s cute, but this isn’t Air Temple preschool,” Zuko said. “It’s the real world.” 

“And you think he hasn’t experienced the real world?” Y/N snapped. “I think he knows a little bit about grief after what’s happened to him.” 

Zuko looked at her with a surprisingly level expression, contrasting her narrowed eyes and upturned lip. “Monk pacifism isn’t going to help here.” 

Y/N opened her mouth to retort back but Aang stopped her. “It’s okay. I forgive you, Zuko.” He looked at Katara. “That’s what you need to do. Forgiveness.” 

Katara laughed in disbelief. “You want me to forgive the man who murdered my mother?” 

“Of course not!” Aang said. “You need to face him—I understand that. But when you face him, you can’t kill him. You have to let the anger flow through you, and then out of you. Accept your emotions, then let them go.” 

“Why should he get to live when our mother is gone?” Katara shouted. “I don’t want to forgive him, I want revenge!” 

“Killing him won’t bring our mother back,” Sokka murmured. “You’ll just have someone else’s blood on your hands.” 

“Good,” she said coldly. “An eye for an eye.” 

“Makes the whole world go blind,” Aang finished. “One of the monks said that back in the temple—violence might feel right, but it just hurts everyone more. Forgiveness is the right choice.” 

“Forgiveness is the same as doing nothing,” Zuko said. 

“No, it’s not,” he said. “It’s easy to do nothing—forgiveness is hard.” 

“It’s not just hard,” Katara snarled, “it’s impossible.” 

Aang looked over at Y/N, who had been silent since her outburst at Zuko. “Y/N, please. You know revenge won’t help her.” 

Y/N looked between the two of them, the steely determination brewing in Katara’s eyes at odds with a desperate softness in Aang’s. Something twisted in her chest, and she had to force herself to look away as she spoke. 

“...Do what you have to,” she said quietly. “Whatever that ends up being.” 

Hurt flickered across Aang’s expression before he looked away, and Katara nodded thankfully at her before she started walking away. Zuko cast a long look at Y/N before he followed her. 

“I’ll see you guys later,” Y/N muttered as she hurried off in the opposite direction, swallowing her doubts as her hands bunched into fists and loosened over and over, desperately needing something to do with them. 

Katara was going after her mother’s killer, and Zuko was helping her with it. Katara, her last line of defense in her feelings against him, was going on her own trip with him. Y/N knew it was for the best—it was something she needed to do and Zuko had the Fire Nation knowledge that no one else in their group possessed, so he was the obvious choice—but a small part of her still couldn’t help but despise it.

He was getting too close, far too close, and she wasn’t going to let that affect her. 

No matter what.

-

Y/N had found a small solace by the cliffside, sitting on the edge as her legs hung off. She could fall just as easily as anything, but maybe it was the danger that calmed her, the fact that she was in control of what would happen. She heard the footsteps before anything though, and her body tensed up instinctively as she whirled around. 

“It’s just me,” Toph said, her blank gaze aimed at the ground. “You’re jumpier than usual.” 

“How can you tell?” 

“I can hear every ant on this cliffside through their movements,” she said. “Your heart rate spiked so much that even a baby could tell you’re off. You’ve been off, ever since you came back.”

She smiled wryly. “I’m still getting used to everything again. It’s not an easy transition.” 

“But you’re here,” Toph said, and she sat down next to her. “You’ve been through everything, and you’re still here. That means you’re tougher than everything the Fire Nation has tried to throw at you.” 

“How can you say that so easily?” Y/N asked. “I’ve flipped out on everyone at least twice for no reason. I constantly have nightmares about what’s happened. I— I can’t even bend because Zuko still has this stupid hold on me. I don’t feel tough. I feel weaker than ever.” 

“You’re still here,” Toph repeated, emphasizing each word. “So many other people would have given up by now if they were in your position. But you didn’t—you fought, and you continued to fight until you won, no matter how long it took you. That’s what makes you tough—not all the stuff you’ve been through, but the fact that you’re still standing at the end of it.” 

“When did you become so wise?” she joked weakly, her gaze trailing off into the horizon. The sun was beginning to set, beautiful reds and oranges blending with deep purple. It reminded her of the night everything changed. 

“Someone had to keep these dunderheads together while you were busy in prison.” Y/N chuckled a bit, but she could see Toph’s expression sober in her peripherals. “...I’ve just been worried about you.”

“Really?”

Toph punched her on the arm without looking. “Does that make you believe me?” 

Y/N managed a small smile as she rubbed the spot. “Yeah.” 

“Good. Because I don’t know how much sappy stuff I can take.” 

Her smile widened as she wrapped an arm around Toph and pulled her closer. “So you do love me.” 

“Let go of me!” she protested. “This is the worst kind of sappy stuff!”

But Toph made no move to get away from her, and Y/N laughed. “Just admit it. You missed me.” 

“Of course I missed you,” she huffed. “Without you, I actually had to do all the work with Katara instead of knocking Twinkle Toes around with earthbending or practicing on my own. It was horrible.” 

“I missed you too, Toph,” Y/N said with a smile. “I didn’t realize how much I appreciated your tough love until I didn’t have it.”

“I have plenty saved up for you, Snowflake,” Toph grinned, “so don’t worry.” But her expression sobered, and she paused. 

“...I’m here for you,” she said after a moment. “If you need anything, or just someone to listen to. I’m good at listening to people complain.” 

“Thank you,” she said, her smile softening. “That means more than you know.” 

And as the two of them sat there in silence, nothing being said verbally but more in the air between them than ever, she felt content once again. She didn’t realize how much she just needed to talk to somebody. First her conversation with Katara and now with Toph—her friends really were the secret to making her feel better. 

…Things would be okay again, Y/N thought to herself. No matter how long it took, her friends would be there for her. 

Things would be okay again. 

She would be okay again. 

-

“They’ve been gone for too long,” Sokka grumbled. 

“It’s been two days,” Aang said. “Zuko said the man they were after was retired—it can’t be easy to find a retired Fire Nation soldier, no matter how knowledgeable you are about the navy.” 

“That’s too long,” Sokka insisted as he crossed his arms. While Y/N, Aang, Suki, Toph sat together in a loose arc, Sokka was up and pacing. He had been for the past twenty minutes.

“Can you sit down, Sokka?” Y/N asked. “You’re stressing me out.” 

“You should be stressed out!” he exclaimed, flinging his arms up. “The boy prince of betrayal went off with my impressionable sister on a murder field trip. There is no reason to not be stressed out!” 

“You need to give Sugar Queen more credit,” Toph said. “If Zuko tries anything, he’s the one that should be worried. Not the other way around.” 

“Toph’s right,” Aang said, but then he frowned. “And I thought you trusted Zuko.” 

“Not when he’s alone with my sister on a murder field trip!” Sokka heaved a long sigh as he stopped, staring out into the distance. Even though their island was one of a big scattered chain, they were still extremely isolated. It was unnerving sometimes, especially at night. “She feels everything so strongly, and… and she’s always felt guilty about what happened to Mom. I know she thinks this is her chance to make it up to her, to do what she wished she could have done on that day. But I also know that if she goes through with it, she’ll regret it for the rest of her life.” 

“She’ll make the right choice,” Y/N murmured. “I know she will.” 

Aang suddenly perked up, and he turned around. When he did, his eyes widened. “They’re back.” 

They all turned around to see Appa touching down at camp, but only one person dismounted. 

“Where’s Katara?” Y/N instantly asked, her eyes narrowing as she darted up. 

“She’s fine,” Zuko said, but when he glanced at Aang she could see his nerves. “She… she’s back at the dock. At the soldier’s village.” 

“Did she…?” Aang didn’t finish the sentence, but he didn’t have to. 

“No. He’s terrified out of his mind, but he’s alive.” A weight was visibly lifted off of Sokka’s shoulders with the single word, and Aang nodded. 

“That’s… that’s good.” 

“She said she needed some time to herself,” Zuko murmured. “I figured it was only right to bring you back with me.” 

“I’m coming too,” Sokka said.

“Me too,” Y/N spoke up. She could feel Zuko’s gaze on her, but she didn’t meet it. 

“I’ll stay back,” Toph said. “Someone has to hold this place down.” 

“I will too,” Suki said, and she gave Sokka a light kiss on the cheek. “I hope she’s okay.” 

“She will be,” Sokka said softly. “Eventually.” 

Zuko nodded and started walking back towards Appa. “Let’s get back, then. It’s a bit of a ride.” 

-

Soon enough, they were all in the village, and Aang jumped off Appa as soon as he’d guided him close enough. 

“Katara!” he exclaimed as he ran towards her, sitting on the edge of the dock. “Are you okay?” 

“I’m doing fine,” she murmured. Her voice was placid as the water she sat above, but it was strained. 

“Zuko told me what you did,” Aang said softly. “Or… what you didn’t do, I guess. I’m proud of you.” 

“I wanted to do it,” she said stiffly. “I wanted to take out all my anger on him, and I almost did. But… but I just couldn’t. I don’t know if it’s because I’m too weak to do it or strong enough not to.” 

“You did the right thing,” Y/N said. “Facing that man makes you stronger than he could ever hope to be.” 

“Forgiveness is the first step you have to take towards healing,” Aang said. 

Katara stood up, and her gaze was a mixture of sadness and acceptance. But it was obvious the ordeal was still weighing on her. “I didn’t forgive him. I’ll never forgive him. But…” she looked past them and over at Zuko, the smallest of smiles pulling at her lips. “...I am ready to forgive you.” 

She walked up to Zuko and hugged him, and after a moment of hesitation Zuko smiled and wrapped his arms around her. Y/N clenched her jaw and started walking back over to Appa. 

She was happy Katara got closure, of course she was. But in the process, she had forgiven Zuko. She was her confidante, the one person who understood how deep her anger towards him went. She had been by Y/N’s side throughout their whole journey, at each and every road block, she was there for Ba Sing Se—for all of Ba Sing Se. 

And somehow, Zuko had gotten her to forgive him too. 

It was selfish, unbelievably so, for it to hurt her so much when Katara had just faced something impossible. But she couldn’t help the way that her chest twisted, how her heart ached, how her nails dug so deep into her palms they left indentations. 

When the rest of them got back onto Appa, Katara sat down next to her. “Thank you for coming.” 

“Of course.” She didn’t make eye contact, her gaze focused into the distance as Aang set off for camp. “I’m glad you got to face him. That you made the right decision for you.” 

“Y/N,” she murmured, “I know what this is about.” 

“It’s not about anything except you,” she evaded. “This was a journey you had to take—we’re all behind you.” 

“And you have all my thanks for that,” Katara said. She glanced at Zuko on the other side of the saddle, very obviously trying to pretend like he wasn’t listening in on their conversation. He wasn’t very good at it. “But I know you’re upset about… that.” 

“We don’t need to talk about this right now,” she said. 

“Y/N…”

She didn’t say anything. Katara sighed and settled back down on the saddle. 

“Okay,” she nodded. “When you’re ready.”

Quiet conversation was made on the other side of the saddle between the three boys, but there was nothing between Katara and Y/N. 

Nothing except a newly found weight on both their shoulders. 

- 

The sizzling fuse exploded when they got back to camp, though. A ride spent staring at the sky didn’t do much for her. Y/N got down from Appa the moment Aang guided him to the ground, and Katara let out a hefty sigh as she followed after her. She started to say her name, but she didn’t get far. 

“Even you forgave him.” Her words were cold, icy rather than hot anger. “Even you! After everything we’ve talked about— everything you know!” 

“I— I know,” Katara said, and she let out a deep sigh as she ran a hand through her loose hair. “But… but he helped me in a way that no one ever had. I found my mother’s killer. I got closure.” 

“Well, maybe I should get him to help me find the guard who killed my father,” Y/N said sarcastically. “Maybe that’ll get me my bending back.” 

“It could,” Katara said, and she was actually genuine. “It could work. And Zuko would help you.” 

She huffed a mirthless laugh and shook her head, biting the inside of her lip to prevent the tears she knew would start welling up. “I’m not letting him back in. Even you said I shouldn’t.” 

“I can’t say I know how much you’re hurting,” Katara said, “but… but Zuko is hurting just as much as you. There’s no excuse for what he did, I’m not saying that. But he wants your forgiveness more than anything in the world.” 

“Did he tell you to say this during your trip?” she asked stiffly. “I mean, now that he’s turned you over to his side and everything.” 

“I’m saying this because I care about you,” Katara said softly. “Y/N, I have seen you hurting for months now, all because of Zuko. Even from the first moment we met in the North, I knew there was something inside of you, and it’s still there. And if you don’t take care of it, it’s going to consume you.” 

“I can’t forgive him.” Her voice was barely a whisper, a cracked, haunted resolve behind it. “I won’t let myself get hurt again.” 

“And I can’t promise that he won’t hurt you again,” Katara murmured. “But I do know if you decide to let him back in, he’ll spend the rest of his life trying to make it up to you.” 

Y/N wasn’t able to muster any words. She wrapped her arms around her midsection and turned away, blinking back tears. 

“He talked about you,” she continued. “When he wasn’t talking about the Fire Nation and where we were going, he was talking about you. He loved you back then, and he still loves you now. Even if it took him way too long to realize it.” Katara’s expression softened as well as her voice and she took a step closer. “All he wants is to help you however he can.” 

“If he loved me then and he still betrayed me,” she whispered, “then how can I ever trust him again?” 

“...You just have to,” Katara said quietly. “Trust in the Zuko you knew before you were forced to be on opposite sides. When the two of you were the missing half of each other’s souls.” 

She swallowed the lump in her throat, still unable to look back at Katara. “I can’t.” 

“Then at least don’t push us away,” Katara urged. “You’ve been off. I don’t know what it’s about, but you can tell me as little or as much as you want, whenever you’re ready. I’m here for you—we’re all here for you, Y/N. We love you so much. Let us help you.” 

She bit down on her lip hard to prevent the tears from welling up, and she was only able to muster a nod. “I will. Soon.” 

“...Okay.” 

Y/N walked off, and she could feel Katara’s worried gaze on her. It took all her strength not to look back. 

-

Three days. 

It all went on as usual. Suki asked if she was okay, but she didn’t push. 

Sokka wouldn’t stop looking at her strangely. He must have heard her leaving her tent in the middle of the night. 

-

Two days. 

The nightmares were worse. She nearly woke up screaming. Thankfully, she didn’t wake Katara. 

Aang sat with her during breakfast, telling ancient airbender stories. He didn’t ask anything when he had to repeat himself because of her blank stare at the ground. 

She spent most of the day sitting by the water. 

Maybe it would come back after this. 

-

One day. 

Everyone knew something was wrong, but she didn’t give any of them the chance to ask.

Especially Zuko. He wouldn’t stop looking at her, wouldn’t stop trying to talk to her. She brushed him off every time. 

She packed her bag that night. 

She barely slept a wink. 

-

“What are you doing?” 

Her plan was to leave at the crack of dawn, before her friends could ask any questions or try to go with her. She would be back by nightfall, and she would have closure. The nightmares would stop. The guilt would go away. She would be okay again. 

But of course, he had to ruin everything. 

She didn’t look over at the sound of Zuko’s voice as she rifled through her bag, making sure she had everything she needed. “Nothing.” 

“That doesn’t look like nothing.” 

“Very perceptive, aren’t you?” she said dryly. Y/N tied her bag shut and stood up, then climbed onto Appa’s back. “I’m leaving.” 

His eyes widened. “You’re leaving? Does everyone else know about this?” 

“Not leaving for good,” she scoffed. “I just have something I need to do.” 

“And that is?” 

Y/N glared fully at Zuko. “None of your business.” 

“You’re taking Appa in the middle of the night to go somewhere,” he said, crossing his arms. “Every time someone’s tried to do that, it’s been for something important. Sokka was going to the Boiling Rock, and Katara wanted to find her mother’s killer. I’m guessing whatever you’re going to do is equally important, which means you’re gonna need backup.” 

“I said it was none of your business,” she repeated. “I can handle myself just fine without you.”

“Well,” Zuko crossed his arms, “I’m not leaving until you tell me what you’re doing.” 

“You’re the most annoying person I’ve ever met,” she jabbed. 

“You’re the most stubborn person I’ve ever met,” he responded with a shrug.  

She went silent for a moment as her gaze traveled away, staring instead at the dark night sky. Today had been the hardest day yet, even looking back on her months in captivity. It was the day everything changed. She didn’t exactly know what possessed her to tell Zuko the reason, but after a moment, she did. 

“Seven years ago today, my village was invaded,” she said quietly. “It’s the day my mother and I were captured, and… and the day my father was killed.” 

Zuko’s eyes widened, and his voice was the same as hers when he finally mustered something. “I… I didn’t know. I’m so sorry.” 

“So am I,” she said, “but apologies haven’t helped me with anything. I’m going back. I’m visiting my village for the first time since my mother and I were taken. Now that I have the means to travel there, it’s something I need to do.” 

“I understand,” Zuko said, “completely. I’ll come with you.” 

Her response was instantaneous. “No.” 

“You can’t travel that far alone,” he insisted. “I have no doubt that you can handle yourself, but you’ve trained to fight with your bending, and right now you don’t have it. If you run into any kind of trouble, you’re… well, you’re gonna be in trouble.” 

“I can fight,” she said. “I’m good with my fists. I held my own against Azula.” 

“You did,” he admitted, “but her skill also isn’t in her hand to hand. And if you’re up against multiple people—say, Fire Nation guards—you’re gonna go down quick.” 

“You have just as much faith in me as ever,” she remarked sourly. 

“It’s not that I don’t have faith in you!” Zuko defended. “I just don’t want you to die because you have too much pride to accept any kind of help.” 

“It’s not that I don’t want any help,” she stated. “I just don’t want your help.” 

Zuko let out a long-lasting sigh, shaking his head before he finally met her eyes again. “Look. I know you don’t like me, and you don’t have to. Not after… not after what I did. But whatever’s between us can’t affect our mission, because ultimately we’re all here to defeat my father. That has to happen no matter what, so like it or not, we’re probably gonna have to work together at least once to make that happen.” 

“I don’t have to work with you if I don’t want to,” she said. 

“Really? So if we’re in the middle of a fight and your choice is to either work with me or die, what would you do?” 

“I’m not that stupid,” she snapped. 

Annoyingly, though… he had a point. They couldn’t afford any distractions, not so close to the end. And Y/N wouldn’t be the reason for their failure because of Zuko. 

“...Fine,” she relented, but the glare she pinned him with was still withering. “But you do whatever I tell you to do, and you don’t come with me when we get to my village. This is private.” 

Zuko immediately broke out into a grin and he nodded. “Of course. I’m here for you.” 

She averted her gaze as she took her seat on Appa’s head. “Get your things before I leave you here.” 

He nodded again and he started off towards his tent. Y/N let out a loose sigh as she rubbed her hands up and down her arms, the early morning chill beginning to get to her. 

A trip with Zuko to her childhood village on the anniversary of the worst day of her life. 

This couldn’t go terribly at all, she thought wryly. 

-

“...So,” Zuko said, “do you know where we’re going?” 

“No,” she said, “I just thought I would lead Appa around blindly and hope that we somehow end up in the right place.” 

“So you do know—” 

“Of course I know where we’re going,” Y/N snapped. Maybe it was unfair of her, but she didn’t exactly care. “Sokka took a map from Wan Shi Tong’s library before it collapsed, and he let me borrow it. It’ll take us a couple of hours, but we should make it before noon.” 

Zuko nodded. “Where is your village? You never told me much about it when you talked about your past.” 

“Why do you care?” 

He huffed a laugh. “You can’t be serious.” 

She said nothing, and Zuko sighed. “I care about you, Y/N, more than anything. I’m here because I want to help you. Of course I care about where you’re from.” 

“That doesn’t mean we need all the small talk,” she said. 

“It’s not small talk, it’s a conversation,” Zuko said dryly. “I’m more than happy to sit here in silence with you for another six hours, but I think that’s pretty boring.” 

“...It’s by the southern coast, near the Zeizhou provinces,” she relented after a moment. “It’s so small that you can’t find it on a map unless you know what you’re looking for. We didn’t even have an official name—if we had to, we called it South Zeizhou because that was the only notable thing near us.” 

“What was it like?” he asked. “Growing up in a place like that.” 

“It was nice,” she said. “We were almost completely isolated from other villages, so we were tightly knit. Everyone knew each other—I’m sure I knew each person by name by the time I was five—and everyone helped each other. We didn’t have much, but everyone was well taken care of. Our community was everything.” 

“That sounds beautiful,” Zuko murmured. 

“It was,” she agreed. “Until your people invaded it and destroyed it.” 

Zuko went silent at that, but instead of the sick sort of satisfaction she normally experienced, she felt… guilty. 

It wasn’t his fault. Zuko was only a year older than her—when her village was invaded, he was probably in school lessons or learning how to be a prince. And now he was here, going against everything he knew, everything he’d ever had, to try and make things right. 

He was a child just like her. And with a father like Fire Lord Ozai… 

“...I’m sorry,” she said, and his eyes darted up, a bit of shock visible in them. “I know it wasn’t your fault. I just…” she sighed. “I’ve never forgiven the Fire Nation for what was done to my people. And I guess you’re just the easiest target.” 

“I understand,” he murmured. “And for whatever it’s worth, I’m sorry too.” 

“This doesn’t mean anything.” The words were quick to leave her mouth, and she didn’t look at him. “Just because I feel bad doesn’t mean I’ve forgiven you.” Nevertheless, she could still hear the smile in his voice. 

“I know.” 

More silence. 

“What was your father like?” Zuko asked as he broke it. “You speak of him so fondly.” 

She bit her lip at the question as the memories flooded back, and Zuko was stumbling over his words almost immediately. 

“You— you don’t have to answer,” he said, “obviously, if it’s too much, but I—” 

“He was the nicest man you’d ever meet,” she said softly. “He was always willing to help anyone who needed it, always willing to do far more than he had to if he thought it would make someone happy. And he did—he made my mother the happiest woman alive. He was beloved by everyone in the village.” Y/N swallowed hard. “He died to protect it. To protect me.” 

“You’ve made him proud,” Zuko said. “I know you have.” 

“I hope so,” she murmured. “It’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

She meant to leave it at that, but for some reason, the words continued to flow. “But I… I’m worried about what will happen when I get there.” that they won’t recognize me when I come back.” 

Zuko frowned. “What do you mean?”

“It’s been years since I was there.” Y/N let go of the reins and wrung her hands together. She glanced down at the bandages, the rough fabric almost a comfort after her time without them. “I haven’t been back since I was captured. What if they resent me for not being there?” 

“No one could possibly resent you for that,” he scoffed. “You were taken, Y/N, by soldiers. You were a child—what could you have done?” 

“Anything,” she muttered. “If I had done anything, maybe things would have been different.” 

“You can’t do that to yourself,” Zuko insisted. “You’ll drive yourself insane going down that path.” 

She shrugged. “That doesn’t mean it isn’t true.” 

“Look at me.” 

Y/N frowned. “What?” 

“Turn around and look at me,” he said again. “And don’t do your stubborn I hate Zuko thing. Just humor me for once.” 

She scoffed and crossed her arms as she turned around, looking him in the eye. “What?” 

“Do you think it’s Katara’s fault that her mother is dead?” 

The jump to the topic made her blink, recoiling the slightest bit. “What? No— spirits, of course not.” 

“But she died to save her,” Zuko said. “The raiders were there looking for the last waterbender, and that was Katara. Her mother gave herself up in place of her.” 

“That’s not her fault,” she said. “Her mother ch—” 

It hit her then, and her eyes narrowed. “You’re not clever.” 

The slightest smile tugged at Zuko’s lips and he shrugged. “It worked, didn’t it?” 

“You’re not clever,” she simply repeated, and she turned back around and grabbed the reins. She couldn’t see Zuko’s pleased expression as he adjusted his position in the saddle. 

“Just trying to help,” he said, and his voice softened. “You’ve made your father proud, even if you don’t think so. You’ve made both your parents proud.” 

She didn’t respond. She feared that if she tried to, the tears would spring. And she wasn’t going to cry. 

But she appreciated his words more than he knew. Maybe even more than she knew. 

But she couldn’t say that. And so they rode in silence. 

-

“We’re almost here,” she announced, and she lightly tugged at Appa’s reins to get him to slow down. It had been a few hours of silent flying and navigating, but they’d made good time. By the spot of the sun in the sky, she could tell it was just before noon. 

“Good,” he said. 

They had been in the air for hours, starting even before the sun had risen, so it was no surprise when she glanced behind her and saw Zuko fighting off grogginess in the form of a barely stifled yawn. 

“You didn’t have to come, you know,” she said, maybe a little too snippy. 

“I wasn’t going to let you go alone,” Zuko said. “And even though you might not think so, I like being around you. I…” he sighed and shook his head. “Nevermind.” 

“What?”

“I just want things to be the way they used to be,” he murmured. “But I know that can’t happen. And I know you’re tired of hearing it.” 

“...I want that too,” she said quietly after a moment of hesitation. 

She heard the rustling of leather and a sharp intake of breath, and it wasn’t hard to tell he was shocked by her words. And maybe she was shocked too, because she knew she meant them completely. 

“Y/N,” Zuko started, “you—” 

But then he was interrupted by her gasp. 

“What?” he asked, only a moment of hesitation before he switched veins. He moved up beside her, and his eyes widened. “Flames of Agni…” 

In the distance, she could see where the forest abruptly stopped. It went on for kilometers, the ashy remnants of fauna and chopped stumps. So much of the forest was just— was just gone. And in the center of it all…

Her village was unrecognizable. Houses made of wood and stone had been torn down and replaced with metal buildings, and the few original buildings that still were in disrepair, riddled with scorch marks and on the verge of falling apart. She could see armed Fire Nation soldiers manning certain spots around the village, as well as marching through the streets. They numbered far more than anyone in simple Earth Kingdom garb. 

Flags and banners with Fire Nation insignias hung everywhere, but the worst part was the factory. It was as big as ten of their old homes, black, polished metal only good for serving as an eyesore. It pumped out acrid black smoke, and even from so far away it made her eyes sting. Her hands clenched into fists around the reins, and anger swelled up inside of her. 

Everything that was held sacred in her village was gone, ruined by the Fire Nation for their own gain. Just like everything else in the world.

And she hadn’t even known about it. 

“The Fire Nation is still here,” she said shakily. “I… I don’t know what I expected. I thought they would move on after the raid, but…” She barely managed to choke back a sob by clenching her jaw tightly. “They destroyed it all.” 

“I’m so sorry.” There was horror in Zuko’s voice, and like her, he was unable to look away from the devastation. “I… If I had known…” 

“Sorry isn’t going to fix anything,” she said bitterly, but it was more pained than anything. 

“Then we will fix it,” he countered. Her eyes flicked up to him, the smallest bit of surprise visible. “We’ll take your village back and get the Fire Nation out, once and for all.” 

Y/N’s grip tightened even further on the reins, her nails digging deep into her palms as she nodded. Her eyes hardened as they moved back to her village, and she nodded resolutely. 

“You’re damn right we will.” 

-

“Are you okay?” 

“Of course I’m not okay,” she said. She wanted to snap at him, but she didn’t have the energy. Not after what she’d seen. 

She and Zuko had set up camp a while away from her village, deep in what remained of the forest to give Appa enough cover. Though she wanted to light a fire, she knew it was too risky. And so they sat together on the ashy, barren ground, the air between them heavier than ever. 

They were going to take back her village, that much was a given. The only question was how. 

“You’re right,” he murmured. “It was a stupid question.” 

“I just don’t understand,” she said weakly as she sat back on the ground. “Why would they stay in our village? We’re so far off the map that it’s probably costing them more to be here than not.”

“That’s what the Fire Nation does,” Zuko said. “They destroy everything they get their hands on.”

When Y/N looked up at him, he was staring at the ground, his jaw clenched. 

“It’s about breaking their spirit,” he continued. “If they just left, your people could fight back. Get revenge for the invasion. But if they take over completely—”

“They crush an uprising before it has the chance to grow,” she murmured, “and they gain a workforce and all the natural resources they could want.”

“Yeah.”

Zuko’s voice was oddly quiet, stilted in a way she couldn’t place. She couldn’t stop herself from asking.

“What happened when you went back to the Fire Nation?”

Zuko glanced at her, swallowing hard before he looked away. “I’m not sure you want to know.”

“I do,” she said. “And I think I have the right to know.”

“Mai and I got together.” He sounded almost embarrassed, and she hated the twist of jealousy in her chest. “We talked during the entire boat ride home, and it went from there.”

“Oh,” she said stiffly. “So while I was sentenced to rot in prison for the rest of my life, you were getting busy with the girl who’s loved you her whole life.”

His cheeks flushed bright red in spite of the obvious anger. “That’s not what it was!”

“Really? Because that’s exactly what it sounds like.”

“We were both struggling,” he insisted. “I… I wasn’t handling Ba Sing Se well, and Mai was having doubts about everything. We gravitated towards each other in our misery, and— and it just happened.”

“You can’t honestly believe that’s true,” she snapped.

“You don’t know anything about Mai if you think it isn’t!” he exclaimed. “Neither of us were—”

“What?” she asked, brazen in his silence as he suddenly cut off. “You weren’t what?”

“…We realized that we didn’t like each other in that way,” he finished in a mumble. “Expectations pushed us together. Our own feelings pulled us apart.” Zuko looked back at her this time. “We couldn’t ignore our… our true feelings.”

“And what are those true feelings?” she asked. She couldn’t help the mocking tone in her voice, but the anger was beginning to come back. Mai had never been mean to her back in the palace, but it was hard to forget Omashu and Ba Sing Se. And it wasn’t exactly nice to hear that she and Zuko got together right after she was sentenced to a life in prison. 

“I love you,” he said, “and you know that. But Mai, she—” Zuko shook his head and glanced away. 

“What?” she repeated. 

“...Do you remember Ty Lee?” 

She frowned. “Yeah. She’s tried to kill me a couple times.” 

“That’s who,” he said, and her eyes widened slightly. “They’ve always been close, but… I don’t know. Maybe the pressure of working under my sister brought them together. Maybe me being as horrible as I was pushed her away. But all I know is that Mai has feelings for her, and none for me. And I’m okay with that.” 

“...Ty Lee,” Y/N said, and she managed a chuckle. “I think that’s the last pair I expected.” 

Zuko cracked a smile. “It works, though. I hope they can figure something out.” 

“Yeah,” she mumbled. “Me too.” 

But then Zuko’s expression sobered again as he looked at her, his gaze as piercing as ever. “You know I don’t like her. You know there’s nothing between us. A—and you said you wanted things to be the way they used to be.” His voice was low, but there was no mistaking the edge of desperation in it. “So why can’t they be?” 

“Why does it always come back to us?” she asked bitterly. 

“Because I want there to be an us again so badly,” he said. Zuko’s voice was so genuine it pained her, and she hated how easily he was cracking her resolve. 

The walls used to be easy to keep up, used to be gratifying. But now all it did was hurt. The night was cold, and she longed for his embrace. 

But Zuko was fire. Beautiful, inviting, full of warmth, but able to hurt her just as easily. 

And spirits, that was all she could think about as the scar on her arm stung. The burns on her hands had faded, and Ba Sing Se’s mark was nearly gone as well, but she couldn’t forget.  

“Maybe there can’t be an us again,” she mumbled as she stood up. “And maybe we just both have to accept that.” 

The look in Zuko’s eyes hurt, his downcast expression combined with the same longing she felt. So she walked away towards the forest, or rather what remained of it. 

“I’m going to scout out our surroundings,” she said, though it was half-hearted. “I’ll be back when the sun starts setting. We’ll figure out a plan at nightfall.” 

She’d disappeared into the woods soon enough. If Zuko said something, she didn’t hear it. 

-

She held true to her word, and she was back by nightfall. Zuko had drawn a map of her village in the dirt with a stick, and though it was crude it was accurate. It turned out he had a better memory than she thought, and it also seemed that when they were working towards something like this, it was easier to work through the tension. 

It took the better part of an hour for them to come up with something and actually agree on it, and it was still shakier than he liked—a lot of it relied on her people remembering Y/N the way that she remembered them. But it was a plan, and it could work, so it was good enough. 

Soon enough, they were back on Appa, riding through the inky sky towards her village. Dressed in black from spares Zuko had in his bag—the same outfit he lended Katara during her mission, she was sure—they blended in perfectly. 

“We’re here,” she whispered, and Zuko nodded as he sheathed his sword and moved up next to her on Appa’s head. “Do you remember the plan?” 

“Of course I do,” he said. “Are you dropping down here?” 

“Yeah. I’ll signal when I’m ready for you.” 

He nodded again. “Good luck, Y/N.” 

“...Thanks.” 

She guided Appa closer to the ground, handing the reins off to Zuko when she thought she was close enough. She slid off as quietly as she could, her moccasins doing little to help with the shock of landing but good enough at muffling her movements. There were fewer guards than before, but it still made her nervous. 

Y/N didn’t even dare to breathe as she moved through her village, ducking behind cover when she needed to as she made her way towards one of the only remaining houses. Despite the Fire Nation banner hanging across the front, it still felt like it was her village rather than another forced colony. 

That was something, she supposed. 

She pushed the door open quietly and pulled the fabric down from her face, checking once more to make sure there were no guards before she closed it. And when she turned around, she was met by a wide-eyed woman and a stark-faced man darting up from his spot on the floor. 

It probably wasn’t the best look, showing up dressed in all black in the middle of the night while the village is occupied by soldiers. She could only hope they would recognize her. 

“What are you doing in our home?” he demanded, but his wife shook her head. 

“I must be dreaming,” she whispered, and she stood up as well. “Y/N? Is… is that you?” 

“Leya,” Y/N said, and she felt the pinpricks of tears behind her eyes, “you remember.” 

Leya laughed and clasped her hands together as she moved closer and pulled her into an embrace. “Of course I remember you, darling! How could I forget the little waterbender who always managed to soak my laundry just as it had finished drying?” 

“Gan’s girl,” the man—Lao—marveled, and he laughed as well. “What in Kyoshi’s name are you doing here?” 

“It’s hard to explain,” she said, slightly sheepish as she pulled out of Leya’s hug. “But basically… I’m here to save the village.” 

Lao shook his head with a smile—that same smile she remembered from her youth, a mix of approval and surprise. “You haven’t been here since the invasion and now you’re here to save our village. You haven’t changed a bit.” 

“What can I say?” she said with a slight laugh. “I’ve been busy with the Avatar.” 

“The Avatar?” Leya asked, and Y/N held up her hand. 

“As much as I’d love to tell you both what I’ve been up to all these years, we’re working on a schedule.”

“‘We’?” Lao caught. “Who else is here with you?” 

She didn’t think she could exactly say the crown prince of the Fire Nation, no matter how reformed he claimed to be.

“A friend of the Avatar,” she decided. “He’s waiting for my signal. That’s when the action’s going to start.” 

“What exactly is your plan?” Leya asked tentatively. “I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but our numbers aren’t the highest. Those who haven’t been sent away as laborers had their spirits broken long ago. There are very few with any kind of fight left in them.” 

“That’s okay,” she said. “I’ve got more than enough fight in me for this whole village. But I need your help.” 

Lao nodded. “Anything.” 

She smiled, a miniscule amount of weight dropping off her shoulders in relief. “Good.” 

-

Appa was stashed securely in the woods, a rucksack full of moon peaches to keep him happy and quiet, but Zuko was still nervous. 

How couldn’t he be, hiding behind a gaudy metal structure pretending to be a house that fit into this village? He was only the traitor boy prince of the Fire Nation, most likely with a wanted poster and a bounty on his head courtesy of his father. 

He wasn’t scared, though. 

Nervous? Sure. But he couldn’t wait to give these soldiers what they deserved. 

Zuko’s eyes snapped towards the sudden movement across the way—the Fire Nation banner had been ripped down from the house Y/N went into, and the woman who did it held her fist in the air for a moment before darting back inside. 

The signal. 

It was time. 

Zuko took a deep breath, pulled his broadswords out of their sheaths, and started moving. 

It didn’t take long to find a guard, standing at his assignment near some light post. Zuko dashed behind him and brought his swords up to his neck. 

“Stay quiet if you want to keep your head,” he said. “Nod if you understand.” 

The guard nodded, but Zuko saw his hand clenching into a fist. He moved one sword down, and he froze in place as the sharp edge settled against his skin. 

“No firebending either,” he growled. “You wanna test my patience some more, or are you ready to cooperate?” 

“I— I’ll cooperate,” he stammered. “Just don’t hurt me, please. What do you want?” 

It was almost pathetic. These people took over an innocent village, and now they were so confident that they stationed guards like this. Zuko wondered if this man even knew what had been done here. 

“Good,” Zuko said. “Who’s in charge here?” 

“General Lee,” he said, and Zuko had to stop himself from rolling his eyes. Of course. “He— he’s the one who took over this place at the beginning. The one who ordered the invasion.” 

“And where is he?” 

“The biggest house at the end of the lane,” he said. “You— you can’t miss it.” 

Zuko thanked the soldier for his information by knocking the flat end of one blade against his head, and he took a step back as the man fell to the ground, unconscious. 

Step one complete. 

-

“How is your earthbending?” Y/N asked. She and Lao moved swiftly through the village under the cover of darkness, avoiding soldiers where they were stationed as they conversed in low voices. 

“Not as sharp as it used to be,” Lao said. “I’ve been hiding it since the invasion—otherwise they would have killed me or sent me away. What do you need it for?” 

Once again, that sheepishness came back. The plan she and Zuko created sounded very outlandish when she said it out loud. 

“I want to destroy the factory.” 

“You certainly don't aim low, huh?” Lao chuckled a bit, but he flexed his hands nonetheless. He moved his fist forward and a short pillar of solid rock shot up from the ground. “I’ve still got some of it, at least.”

“That’s why I asked for your help,” she said. “The Fire Nation builds everything out of metal, but I think they forget that rocks are pretty effective against it.” 

Lao smiled as he sent the rock back down into the earth. “I like how you think.” 

She smiled as well, but her head shot up at the movement near them. She stepped protectively in front of Lao, her instincts above anything, but the tension dissolved when she saw it was just Zuko. 

“Did you find out where he is?” she asked, and he nodded. 

“His name is Lee— General Lee,” he said. “The last house,” he pointed, “that way. You can’t miss it.” 

“Good.” She cracked her knuckles. “I have some things I’d like to say to him.” 

“Y/N,” he said, “he’s…” 

“What?” 

“He’s the one who did all of this,” Zuko said. “The one who ordered the invasion. He’s been here ever since.” 

Her jaw clenched as she felt fire ignite inside of her. “Then maybe I have a little bit more to say to him.” 

“Take this.” Zuko took one of his swords off along with its sheath and handed it to her. “Just in case.” 

She nodded, taking some satisfaction in her practice swings before she stashed it across her back, then she looked at Lao. “You two are going to take down the factory together. Is anyone in it still?” 

He shook his head. “Shifts ended a few hours ago. It should be completely empty.” 

“Good.” Y/N looked at Zuko. “How do you feel about causing some explosions?” 

He smirked. “Pretty great.” 

“And how do you feel about crushing a lot of stuff?” she asked, turning to Lao. 

“Even better.” 

“Great,” she smiled. “Obviously, this is going to make a lot of noise. Get out when you feel danger—we might have to bring this fight to the streets.” 

Lao cracked his knuckles. “Gladly. It’s about time we take our home back.” 

“Laya’s alerted the people?” Y/N asked. 

He nodded. “She’s gone house to house—she should be near the end by now. She and the rest of our people will be safe, and anyone who’s willing to fight will be ready for my signal.” 

“Then I think it’s time we split,” Y/N said. 

“Be careful,” Zuko said. “Don’t let your anger blind you.” 

“I’ll do what I have to do,” she said simply. 

Zuko nodded in understanding. “See you on the other side, then.” 

“See you on the other side,” she murmured. 

-

Y/N got used to the weight of the broadsword in her hand as she moved through the village yet again. She was surprised at how easy it was, how inattentive the few guards were. Their confidence would be their downfall. 

It wasn’t hard to find the house of the general. It was so massive it edged on gaudy, obviously built for nothing but the man’s ego. The door wasn’t locked, and she just shook her head as she slid inside. This was ridiculous. 

She closed the door as quietly as she could behind her, and she held her breath as she looked around the first floor. It was eerily empty, eerily silent. Maybe he wasn’t here. 

Y/N tightened the grip on the hilt of the sword as she crept up the stairs, wincing at every creak. The whole upstairs was the general’s room, and she shook her head. This was more luxury than anyone in the village lived in. He’d built his comfort off the pain of her people. 

“Would you like to tell me what you’re doing in my home?” 

She whipped around, her sword instinctively flying up as she stared right at her target. So he was here, and he’d been just as quiet as her. He was younger than she expected, but his eyes told everything she needed to know. 

“General Lee,” she said, and she was surprised at how steady her voice was. “This isn’t your home.” 

“Isn’t it?” He was dressed in a simple tunic and pants, no armor in sight. Good. “I was here when it was built, and as far as I’m aware, it was built for my use.” 

“You took it from my people,” she said. “You took everything from us.” 

“I’m afraid you’ll have to be more specific,” he said nonchalantly. “I’ve taken over a lot of villages.” 

“Do you not have any shame?” Y/N demanded, and she pointed her sword at him. He didn’t even flinch. “Destroying the lives of innocent people, tearing apart their homes for resources, occupying them just to show off your strength. You kill people, you destroy families, and you don’t even care?” 

The general had the nerve to smile. “It’s the way of the world. The weak fall, the strong prevail. I guess your people were just weak.” 

Y/N couldn’t control herself after that. She yelled out as she lunged forward and swung with her sword. The general sidestepped her as she whirled back around, and he just laughed. 

“You want to fight, girl?” General Lee mocked. “For what? Your people? Your honor? You won’t get far, I assure you.” 

“For my family!” she growled. “Your men killed my father and forced my mother and I into servitude. I’ve wanted revenge for so many years, and now I can finally get it.” 

His eyes lit with recognition and he raised his eyebrows. “The waterbenders. So you managed to escape—impressive.” 

And then suddenly, there were two massive explosions. They were all the way across town, but it still rocked the foundations of the house. The impact must’ve been felt all over town, surely alerting every guard on duty that something was wrong.

Step two was complete. 

It was Y/N’s turn to smile at the general. “There goes your factory.” 

The general’s mocking confidence melted into cold anger. “You—” 

“Blew it up,” she responded. “Yeah.” 

She lashed out with her sword to force him out of the way, then booked it down the stairs and out of the house. She laughed in pure exhilaration as she saw all of the guards in the street, as well as the general running out of his house. The fire blazing in his hand matched the anger in his eyes. 

“You want a fight, girl?” he growled. “I’ll give you one!” 

General Lee launched the fireball at her and she dodged out of the way, watching as it sizzled against the ground. She held her sword in both hands, beckoning him to come further. It wouldn’t be an easy fight to win against an enraged firebender, but then again—she’d done it before. 

He was far too eager to go against a young girl as he shot fire at her in repetitive blasts. She dodged what she could and slashed through the others with her sword, lunging at him with the blade when Lee gave her space. 

But then fire shot past, narrowly missing her, and her head whipped around. It took these soldiers long enough to realize the fight was happening right next to them. 

“Come on, Zuko,” she muttered as she backed away from the men, the general and the soldiers narrowing in on her. She brandished her sword. “Where are you?”

“You’ve picked a battle that you can’t finish,” General Lee spat as fire lit in his hand, “just like your father!”

Rage hotter than anything before ignited inside of her. And then, everything happened at once. 

The general and his soldiers shot their fire at her. 

Someone yelled at her to duck, and she dropped to the ground. 

As the fire was extinguished above her, General Lee’s eyes widened. He took a step back. “What in Agni’s name—” 

“I’m not too late, am I?” Zuko reached a hand down to her, and Y/N let out a relieved breath. 

“Right on time,” she remarked as she took it and allowed him to help her up. “I’m in a bit of a situation.” 

“I noticed.” Zuko turned to the general and gestured with his head behind them. “I’m sorry, general, but I think someone blew up your factory!”

“Prince Zuko,” he said sourly. “So you’re a traitor as well.”

“I’m not a traitor,” he said, stepping in front of Y/N ever so slightly. “I’m helping free these people from your glorified slavery.”

The general’s eyes narrowed. “So all it takes for the crown prince to give up his values is a pretty face.”

“You’re a sick man,” Zuko spat. “Take your soldiers, leave this village, and we’ll give you the mercy you never extended to her people.”

“I don’t think so,” Lee said, and he smiled. “Don’t worry, though—this’ll all be over soon. Unless you think you can go against every soldier here on your own.”

“Wouldn’t be the first time we’ve been outnumbered,” Y/N said, and she drew her sword. “Besides—”

“—They’ve got help,” someone interrupted. She looked behind her and saw Lao, followed by a myriad of villagers—some earthbenders, some that were just ready to end this. More than she thought still lived here, more willing to fight than she thought. 

So everyone’s spirit wasn’t broken. 

She smiled. Step three. 

“So you want to make this harder,” General Lee said. “I admire your tenacity, but it won’t do you much good.”

“We’ll see,” Zuko said. 

Lee didn’t even say anything before he started firebending, and Zuko blocked it yet again. The battle immediately escalated from there, earthbenders and soldiers and swordsmen fighting. It was mostly visible in flashes of fire and the occasional lamppost, but it was loud.

Y/N and Zuko fought side by side against the general, their moves seamless—whenever one fell back, the other would step forward. She was surprisingly good with a sword, but it might’ve been her adrenaline.

With the amount of energy and anger pumping through her veins, she was sure she could take on anything at that moment. And having Zuko with her… She would be lying if she said it didn’t help. 

It was a deadly dance between the three of them. Y/N’s sword sung as it cut through the air, and it was in sharp contrast to the explosions of fire in the background and the general’s own bending against them. 

Maybe it was that adrenaline inside of her, or maybe it was the thought of finally getting to deliver justice for her village. Maybe the spirits were finally on her side. But whatever it was, General Lee ended up stumbling as he dodged the sword’s jab at him, and it gave her enough time for Zuko to kick him in the chest and send him backwards. Y/N took the opening and swept his legs, putting all her strength into the single move, and it worked. 

He fell to the ground, a slight grunt being forced out as he landed on his back, and Y/N pointed her sword at his neck. She took immense satisfaction in the flicker of fear in his eyes. 

“Zuko,” she said placidly, “go help the others.” 

He looked at her for a good, long moment before he conceded with a step back. “Don’t do anything you’ll regret.” 

“I won’t regret this,” she murmured. 

Zuko’s gaze remained on her for another moment before he turned and ran back into the fray. Y/N could do nothing but stare down at the general. The man who took everything away from her in one short afternoon, now defenseless below her blade. 

“So,” she said, “after all this time, all it took was one fight for you to fall.” 

The general gave her a wry smile. “It wasn’t exactly a fair fight.” 

“Neither was the invasion of my village. But that didn’t stop you, did it?” 

“You savages have never understood,” he growled. “No great leader has ever gotten anywhere by being nice, by yielding to the demands of those lesser than him. There’s a reason the Fire Nation is at the world’s helm while every other nation continues to fall to its feet.” 

“Because you go after the defenseless!” she exclaimed. “You go after those who can’t do anything against you, and then you destroy everything you find. All you care about is power.” Y/N huffed a mirthless laugh and gestured around them. “And look where that’s gotten you.” 

“Yield,” she demanded before he had the chance to speak, moving her sword closer to his neck. “Yield, and leave this village, and I’ll let you leave with your life.”

The general laughed, followed by a wince as her blade nicked his skin. “Don’t you know anything about the Fire Nation? You served there for so long.”

“Yield!” she shouted, her voice trembling along with her grip. She just wanted this to be over. 

“We fight until death,” he continued. “You’re going to have to kill me if you want your way.”

“You think I won’t?” she challenged. ”You’ve taken everything from me! Your life is too small a price to pay for what you’ve done!”

“I think you’re weak,” he spat. “Too weak to do what you need to do.”

Her eyes stung with tears as she pulled the sword away from his neck.

General Lee huffed a laugh. “Like I said: you’re wea—”

He was stopped in the middle of his sentence as she plunged the sword into his heart. His eyes widened as he choked out his last breath, the light beginning to drain out of him. And then he was gone.

“I’m not weak anymore,” she murmured. 

Y/N stared at his lifeless body for a moment, glanced at the gleam of blood on metal. 

She had just killed a man. The one responsible for her father’s death, for the imprisonment of her and her mother, for the invasion of her village. 

Y/N didn’t feel remorse, didn’t feel satisfaction—but she felt whole. Like a weight had been lifted from her shoulders.

She sheathed her sword and walked away, back towards the chaos of the ongoing fight. Zuko had joined the others, fighting with a combination of his sword and his bending, and it worked wonders. For a moment, all she could do was watch him. The grace he fought with was akin to that of a waterbender. 

Lao moved like he was twenty years younger, working in tandem with other earthbenders as they took down the Fire Nation forces soldier by soldier. Toph would have been proud.

But now there was only one thing left to do. 

Y/N took a deep breath then cupped her hands around her mouth, yelling as loudly as she could. “Soldiers of the Fire Nation! Your general is dead!”

That was enough of a shock to knock them off their balance, because Zuko and the earthbenders all immobilized their foes. Zuko with a sword to the neck, Lao and his crew with rocks around their legs and other limbs. The fight died down quickly, all of them staring at her. Zuko’s expression was impossible to read. 

“You heard me,” she repeated, “General Lee is dead. You have no stake in this village anymore. Leave, or face the same fate as him.”

“Will you stand here and fight for a nation that doesn’t care about you?” Zuko shouted, catching on to her goal. “Or will you do what’s right and leave these people be?”

Silence hung in the air, only broken by the heaved breaths of soldiers and earthbenders alike. She stared at them all expectantly, her heart pounding in her chest. 

And then, the clatter of a sword against the ground.

“I surrender.” A soldier being held in place by rocks around her ankles had dropped her weapon, looking Y/N straight in the eye. “I’ve served the Fire Nation blindly for far too long.”

She nodded at the earthbender, and he retracted the stone around her. 

“Go,” Y/N said. “Back to wherever you came from.” 

“Your mercy…” the soldier murmured, and she shook her head. “Thank you for giving us a second chance. I know it means little, but I apologize. For everything.”

And then she walked off—in the direction of the shore, she noticed—and soon enough, she’d disappeared into the wood. They must’ve come in on ships. 

Slowly, the remaining soldiers either dropped their weapons or declared their own surrender, and one by one they were let go. The sound of clattering metal was music to her ears, and with each one the weight lifted a little more. 

The soldier in Zuko’s hold was the last to drop his sword, and Zuko kicked it away before removing his blade from his neck. As he walked away, she let out a sigh of relief.

“…We did it,” she said. “We finally did it.”

“You did it,” Zuko said as he sheathed his sword, doing the same to the other when Y/N handed it to him. “None of this would have been possible without you.” 

“Wouldn’t have been possible without you either,” she said, and the smallest smile tugged at his lips. 

Lao walked up to her, and he enveloped her in the biggest, tightest hug she’d felt since Katara’s at the air temple. She reciprocated immediately, tears springing into her eyes at the warmth he carried. 

“You did it,” he said, his voice and eyes full of pride as he pulled away, though his hands remained on her shoulders. “You’ve given us the freedom that none of us could attain in seven years. We owe everything to you, Y/N.”

“I couldn’t have done it without you,” she said, unable to help her grin, and she looked back at the other villagers. “Any of you—thank you so much. Tonight, you fought for our people! You fought for our village! And we’re finally free from the Fire Nation.” 

A wild cheer erupted from the group, and Y/N had to wipe away the tears that began to fall. They’d really done it. 

“Go, be with your families!” she exclaimed. “Celebrate with your loved ones! You deserve it—enjoy your freedom!” 

Several of the villagers clapped her on the shoulder or shook her hand as they began to wander around, returning back to their houses. She heard one discussing architectural plans, about what they would do with everything the Fire Nation left behind, as well as their houses. The smile wouldn’t leave her face. 

And then Zuko walked up, alerting her to his presence by clearing his throat. “Y/N,” he said, and she turned around. 

“What?” 

“First of all, congratulations.” His own small smile was there, and she felt her cheeks warm. “You freed your village from a seven year occupation. It’s amazing.” 

“It feels amazing.” She rubbed her arms, the cold of the night beginning to get to her as her adrenaline from the battle started to fade. “I can’t believe we did it.” 

“I’m not surprised,” Zuko said. “You can do anything you put your mind to—I’ve learned that twenty times over by now.” 

She chuckled a bit, but Zuko’s expression sobered. “But I have to ask. You… you killed the general.” 

The air between them immediately changed. “I did.” 

“How do you feel?” he asked. 

“I don’t feel happy,” Y/N said, “so you don’t have to worry about that. I’m not going to start killing everyone that’s ever wronged me.” 

Zuko laughed, though it was slightly nervous. “That’s, uh— that’s good.” 

“But I don’t feel sad either,” she said. “I just feel… right. Like it was something I had to do. Not just for my people, but for me. To know that he’ll never be able to hurt someone the way he hurt me.” 

“...Good,” Zuko repeated. “That’s all we can ask for, isn’t it?” 

She nodded. “But… I’d appreciate it if you kept this between us. At least until I’m ready to tell everyone.” 

“Of course,” he agreed. 

“Good,” she said. 

Y/N looked up at the sky, the sun having fully set. It was dark except for the bits of ashes that littered the battlefield and the lanterns that lit up the path through the village. But there was still something she needed to do. 

She looked back at Zuko. “I have something I need to see. And I want you to come with me. Is… is that okay?” 

He smiled, his voice soft when he spoke. “I’d love to.” 

- 

The path she led him down was one well-traveled by the people of her village—the inky darkness they walked through was penetrated only by the flames Zuko held in his hand at Y/N’s request. She knew she would be able to find her way without it, though. 

“Where are we going?” he asked. 

“Somewhere special,” Y/N answered. “Sad, but special. Somewhere I’ve thought about a lot since my mother and I were taken.” 

It took a few more minutes of walking in silence only disturbed by night ambiance. When they got there, Y/N let out a quiet sigh. There was unimaginable weight behind the sound. 

“We’re here.” 

“Where is ‘here’?” Zuko asked tentatively. But then he made the fire in his hand bigger and brighter, and his breath caught in his throat. 

“...Hi, Dad,” she said softly, her gaze focused on the headstone. “It’s me. Your little girl finally found her way back home.” 

“Y/N…” he murmured. 

“I’ve been wanting to come here for a long time, but I’ve never been able to,” she continued. “But you don’t have to worry anymore—the village is free. The Fire Nation is gone. And Mom is okay—she’s safe in Ba Sing Se, and after all of this is over, I’m going to find her again, and I’m going to take care of her. You don’t have to worry about us anymore.” Y/N chuckled. “I’m sure I’ve been driving you crazy with everything I’ve been doing lately. But you can rest in peace now.”  

“Are you sure you want me here?” he asked. “I— I don’t want to disturb you—” 

She shook her head, placing her hand lightly on his arm. “Stay. Please.” 

“...Okay,” he said. “Of course.” 

“This is Zuko,” she said, and she laughed a bit as he hesitantly waved. “He’s… he’s the most important person in my life.” 

His eyes widened a bit and he looked at her, but her only response was to wordlessly slip her hand into his. He didn’t hesitate to lace his fingers through hers. 

“We’ve been through a lot together, and I’ve… I’ve been really angry at him lately. And I thought it was good, righteous anger, but all it did was eat me up inside. I’ve been miserable because of it—I even lost my bending. But now… now, I understand.” 

She looked at Zuko now. His gaze hadn’t moved. 

“I love you,” she said, “and I mean that with everything in me. I’ve been so angry at you because of what you did that I haven’t let myself think about anything that you’ve done—and you’ve helped my friends so much since you joined them. You’ve helped me too, even when I claimed I didn’t need anyone.” 

“And all this time, I thought that letting you go was what I needed to do. But I couldn’t have been more wrong.” She tightened her grip on his hand—her lifeline. “I’ve lost so much in my life, Zuko, things that I can’t get back. And I’m not going to let myself lose you again.” 

Y/N pressed a gentle kiss to Zuko’s lips, and he extinguished the fire in his hand as he immediately reciprocated it. It was impossibly soft, impossibly right. And Y/N knew then that this was exactly where she was supposed to be. 

“I love you too,” he murmured, and his eyes shone even in the darkness. “More than anything. And I’m so sorry that I ever made you think anything else.” 

She pulled away from the kiss to embrace him, and when his arms wrapped around her, it was like home. The constant twist in her chest, the constant weight she’d been carrying for months—it dissipated, and she felt lighter than ever. Spirits, it all felt so right. 

And when they pulled away, Y/N rested her head on Zuko’s chest. He responded by wrapping his arm around her waist, pulling her in close. 

“Thank you for taking me here,” he said. “For trusting me enough with it.” 

“Thank you for never giving up on me,” she said. 

“Speaking of that…” Zuko said, and there was a slight lilt to his voice as he lit the fire in his hand again. “How about trying that bending again?” 

Y/N chuckled a bit as she looked at her hand, flexing her fingers the way she used to. She barely had to concentrate as she pulled moisture from the air, forming into an orb of water in the air. She wasn’t even shocked—she’d known, after they got here. It wasn’t anything concrete, just… a feeling. A feeling that order had returned. 

“It’s back,” he said, and the boyish surprise in his voice made her smile. 

“That it is.” 

Y/N formed it into a flower and then froze it, gingerly taking the stem in her fingers. She walked up to her father’s grave, running her fingers over the engravings. She wasn’t here when it was made, but she was so thankful it had been made. That her people had always been thinking of her and her family. 

GAN 

HUSBAND OF KURA, FATHER OF Y/N

48 AG-93 AG

WILL BE REMEMBERED FOR HIS LOVE AND HEROICS

It was bittersweet, but she was glad he had a spot here. He would always be remembered. 

She carefully placed the flower of ice against the headstone, lowering the temperature of her breath as she blew on it to preserve it longer. It would melt eventually, of course, but this wouldn’t be her last time here. Next time, there would be real flowers. 

“I love you, Dad,” she murmured, resting her head against the stone as she closed her eyes. “Forever and always.” She stayed there for a moment, and the gentle breeze that blew through the enclave was no coincidence. For the first time in a very, very long time, she felt peace inside. 

She stood back up with a sad smile, wiping at the tears before she turned to Zuko. “I’m ready.” 

“Are you sure?” 

Y/N nodded. “I am.” 

Zuko nodded too, and they started to walk together down the path. 

And when he offered his hand, she took it without hesitation. 

-

hope you enjoyed this mf emotional marathon of a chapter lmao im gonna go hibernate for a few months because jfc

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[crookedt44th]

JR.3 MARINARA MAGIC | LMH

PAIRINGS ➳ lee minho x gender-neutral reader (cora)

GENRE ➳ friends to lovers ◦ slow burn ◦ heavy angst ◦ horror ◦ psychological thriller ◦ fantasy ◦ slight humor ◦ ghosts ◦ will add more later!

WARNINGS ➳ mental issues (derealization) ◦ memory loss ◦ inappropriate language ◦ suggestive themes, but no smut ◦ death ◦ gore(?) ◦ smoking ◦ lots of drug and alcohol use ◦ cruel society ◦ adult life crisis ◦ bad life decisions ◦ religious themes ◦ class struggles ◦ hallucinations ◦ food mentions ◦ hints of eating disorder ◦ will add more later!

WC ➳ 6,000+

STATUS ➳ Ongoing.

ABOUT ➳ After dropping out of college, Cora returns home to their small town of Stormvillie with the hopes of reconnecting with their friends they left behind and resuming their carefree previous life. However, things have changed since then. Their friends have grown up and changed, and home seems different now. The wind is getting colder and the leaves are falling. As the night gets darker, strange things are happening.

And there's something in the woods.

NIGHT IN THE WOODS SERIES

CHARACTERS AND THEIR STORIES

PREVIOUS JOURNAL

Scott Pilgrim v. My GPA - Mom Jeans. started playing ...

There’s a quiet inside of this open air. It expands and fills, and soon, you’re walking through the thick, tangible quiet. And if you listen, if you really listen, you can hear the pulse of the world, the old hum we almost remember, the old language etched into us. 

It’s a strange thing, to hear the quiet. 

One day, I’ll be quiet forever. 

One day, I’ll exist in the space between words. 

One day, you’ll hear me whispering into the open air, singing something you can almost understand.

I closed my eyes, fantasized about a quiet life. 

Suddenly, I feel at home.

But when I opened my eyes, I started to see shapes. 

I’m somewhere.

Just not here.

It’s hard for me to see exactly where the hell I went wrong

I never thought I’d see the day we wouldn’t get along

You think I smoke too much, I think your friends suck

September 23, 9:34 a.m.

I feel awful. 

I don’t even know what happened yesterday.

DId I do something crazy yesterday? 

With my head still resting on the pillow, I reach beneath the blanket to find my phone. I lifted my head off the pillow and browsed through my lock screen as soon as I did. Many of Jisung's missed messages. 

Did I say some wild shit last night??

[J.0ne] yo das was honestly the most beautiful speech ive ever heard in my entire life

I don’t want to know.

With a grumble, I forced myself to get out of bed in the hopes that taking a shower would help me feel less disgusted. I put on a large, baggy shirt that was sitting on top of my toilet after I finished my shower. I looked in the mirror as I began to wash my teeth. I look like fucking shit.

Hey, don’t be mean to yourself. 

I have the worst face on earth. 

Well, I mean, you look totally awesome in that big old band shirt you totally did not steal from that one little vendor at the mall where an old man just makes the graphic shirt for you. 

I straightened up my posture and placed my hands on my hip, looking at the shape of my body. 

I should lose weight. 

Nah, you look fine. 

No, I don’t. I should really stop eating a lot. 

It’s cool, dude. Not everyone needs to be super duper skinny!

Fine, I should be more positive about myself, whatever the internet says. I am just a real human being. 

My hands slipped off my hips, and I stood there straight, staring blankly at myself. 

And no one can prove that I’m not. 

…

I should read the messages my friends sent me.

After hurrying to my room to find my phone, I nervously went through the messages Jisung had sent me. I texted him back after learning that he hadn't given me many details about what I had done the previous night. 

[C0conut] wat rlly happened last night

[J.0ne] sum beautiful speech that u did in front of lino i dunno i dun rememebaer anythanng

[VanDivision] you called him a cute boy.

[CB97] And then you puked on his shirt again hahaha 

[C0conut] ಠ_ಠ he prob hates me again

[J.0ne] whu CARRRESS plssssss come by chris outlet job stuff work now me me bored here  

I shrugged and let out a breath before tossing my phone onto my bed. I decided to keep this large t-shirt on, find some jorts, and throw on another flannel. Despite the fact that I had lost my other pair of Converse shoes, these fucked up black vans will have to do. My name was called from the kitchen as I sauntered down the stairs. I figured the breakfast was ready. 

“Heya mom, what’re we having today?”

"Hey, sweetie, you look awful!" Mom giggled as she set down a plate with a sandwich and a bowl of soup. "For breakfast, we're eating sandwiches and soups. Plus, you went to a party; I'm not sure how much you drank, but you needed this soup anyway."

"Awesome." I dug in with my spoon and sipped the warm liquid down my throat, feeling relaxed.

"Rough night?" Mom went on, holding up a book to read.

“You know it.”

“You wanna talk about it?”

You hummed, “I saw Minho.”

“Did you talk to him?”

“A little bit.”

"Give it some time. He will get to you." She flicked through another page of her book, "I believe most of the repair workers have left the town center. Some shops are still under construction, though."

"Oh really?" Taking a bite out of the sandwich, I said.

"I remember how much you enjoyed climbing some buildings."

"I've thought about doing it again."

"No, sweetie. You should go to jail for that, no?" Mom arched an eyebrow at me. 

“They’ll never catch me!”

“Your aunt will catch you.”

“Boooo.” I dropped the almost eaten sandwich and slouched down. "I'm going to finish this later, mom; I have to go." 

“Alright, well, have fun! Stay safe!”

I quickly grabbed my shoulder bag from the hanger and bolted out the door. I'm getting a little eager for autumn as I stroll down the street and feel the cool morning breeze. I saw some of the local businesses were closed as I passed by them and noticed a group of elderly men gathered around one of the stores.

"There won't be Stormvillie if we don't start doing business right." Says the tall old man dressed in a business suit.

"Well, it appears that we must take whatever action we can." Says a different large, bearded man. "To make the market take note of us!"

Huh, wild. On my left, where I used to go since I was a child, was the closed doughnut shop. A lot of stores are really closing down.

"Will, you're not listening- it's not of sufficient historical note."

"Brother, most folks don't even give a damn about our jobs anymore. Our pay is really low!"

"There must never be another fight at a stop sign."

I left nonetheless, not wanting to listen in on some of the things adults like to talk about, and went past the old pizza place I used to and still enjoy. The pizza place is still open, at least. Perhaps I should bring my buddies here. Maybe with Minho. 

The middle schooler was once more playing on his Nintendo while perched on the seat next to the statue. I looked up at the bronze statue of the man who built this town, the man holding up his axe. The child was still engrossed in the game and was not aware of my presence when I peered down at him.

"Shouldn't you be at school?" I asked, looking down at the child.

"I'm gonna skip." His little fingers hitting the buttons with aggression, his eyes fixed on the game rather than me. 

“Geez.” 

The boy lost the game and groaned out of frustration, “I’ve been going at this game for hours! And I still didn’t get it.”

“What’re you playin’ this time?”

“Star Wars; Battlefront.” 

“Seriously? Star Wars?”

“You don’t like them?” Lori let out a cry and held his palms over his mouth dramatically. “All of my friends are playing the Star Wars games! One of my friends said they’re coming over tonight to play the games with me on my nintendo 64.” 

“I just don’t get the hype.” I shrugged.

“Hmph!” He again folded his arms in a drama queen manner, then rose from his chair and grabbed the skateboard that was next to him. "Hey, you wanna go to the library for a second?" Lori asked, gesturing to the neighborhood library across the street.

I look at him, then at the library, and I start to wonder if I have time left at all. "Sure," I nodded.

"There used to be strange little letters hidden in some of the books. My friend and I would open every book to find more, sort of like on a scavenger hunt!" Lori kept talking while we strolled towards the library. 

“Weird letters?”

“Yeah! Some letters are about odd cult shit or something.” Cult?

Lori wandered the library, trying to find a certain book. I trailed after him to the Bible area, where I watched him leaf through the books, choose one, and hand it to me. I found the letter by grabbing and turning the pages. "I was not made for this kind of test," the paper said in such a hurried handwriting when I unfolded it. “I will fall apart. I will not stay. I will come undone, and you will never see me again."

"This letter is so weird, right?" He chuckled: "I think there's someone in town trying to troll some gullible kids here for fun."

"Could be. Not really remotely close to odd cult shit, whatever you say, but close enough."  I remarked, still staring at how familiar the handwriting was. 

“Lori, did you save the other letters?” I shoved the letter in my pocket. 

“Nope, Mom threw it away. She thought it’s a curse or something.” He shrugged, taking out his nintendo sitting on the table. 

“Bummer. I’ma go now.”

“Bye, killer!”

“Okay, now don’t call me that.”

Can’t figure out the reason why our parents fight so much

But I’ve given up on luck

But I’m happy here

“Yeah, he’s cute but what are his critical thinking abilities? His political stance? Socioeconomic aspirations?”Jisung began talking nonsensically as soon as I entered the store. Chan, dressed in black dress slacks and a white button-up shirt, leaned against the counter and wore an elegant gold watch that his father had most likely given him. Then there's Jisung, the typical punk, decked out in his trademark red and black. Worn-out black leather jacket with a revolution illustration and a few words scattered throughout it, paired with cargo trousers and tall boots. You already know it.

"What is happening here?" Asking, "Are you seeing someone?" I broke up the talk between the two men' talk, who beamed at me.

"What? No way!" Jisung waved his hand in denial. I stared at the blue-haired man one more time after turning to look at Chan for confirmation. He was stifling his laughter. "All right, maybe, but..."

"Who is it, though?"

"All right, so this guy that I've been chatting with online for a few months now has been arranging to meet me here," Again rambling, he leaned on the counter, clasped his hands together, and bowed his head. "Vanna, on the other hand, does not approve of me going on a date with this guy because I did not know what the guy looked like in person. So this motherfucker is setting me up with another guy.”

“Woah, you don’t know what he looks like? Han, don’t you think that’s pretty alarming?” I frowned, “Vanna is right though.”

"Yeah, but he's sweet, a smooth talker, and so caaaring. She's matching me up with someone I'm not supposed to see until we go on the date, which is scary enough than meeting up with a guy I've talked to already!" Jisung turned around swiftly, looking away from us and folding his arm like if he were a cartoon character being betrayed by bunny bugs or something.

"Dude, whatever." I looked over at Chan, who was arranging the pricey, ornate jewelry and watches—some of which were vintage—on the front table. I browsed the store, enjoying how cozy and antique it seemed—like a grandpa's store in London. It seems to make sense that his father owned the store. "Chan, do you know about shops being shut down?"

"Yes," he said, perking up and nodding before returning his attention to organizing. "What about it?"

"Will this store close down as well?"

"Well. Who knows, probably. In any case, my dad does things his own way."

“...”

“...”

"Would you not want to go to, you know, Los Angeles or somewhere else, if you were so rich? Live in a big modern house?" I inquired, unsure whether it was insensitive or not. But he knew I was always curious.

"I wish it was that simple, Cora," laughed Chan.

“Simple? Don’t you have zillions of dollars to be able to do it anyway?”

“Crazy of you to think we have THAT amount of money.” He snorted, shaking his head. 

"I wish I had an answer for you, kiddo. But recently, things have become more complicated." He stooped to pick up the boxes, which he then carried behind the counter and placed on the floor beside numerous other unopened boxes. Jisung gave us both a perplexed look, and I shrugged at him, feeling uncomfortable and guilty for being overly curious. "Well, I apologize for the sudden mood change. You guys wanna get pizza later today when I’m off work?”

“Oh yeah! Good thing that Marinara Magic is still open.” I exclaimed, getting excited at the thought of us getting together to eat pizza like little kids again. 

"Dude, right now I would kill for a pizza!" Jisung leaped to his feet and followed Chan inside the office. I followed them both as well and went inside what appeared to be Chan's father's office, however he seemed to spend more time here than his father. While the worker was busy finishing up tasks and they were busy chatting, I kept myself occupied by wandering around the office and taking in the many framed awards and certificates. A computer was situated atop an extremely cluttered desk, alongside numerous loose work documents and a few images pinned to the wall beneath the desk. The pictures showed him with his sister, his family, and all of us together. When I gazed upon the following picture, Chan, Minho, and Felix were posing at a high school graduation in their gowns. They wrapped each other's shoulders with their arms while grinning broadly. I turned to face Chan, who was rummaging through the drawers. Even if all he did was dye his hair bright red, which turned into an unpleasant pinkish tone, and he gained weight, he still looked very different. Even though he was only 23, he appeared a little older than his actual age. Maybe, he didn’t sleep at all again. 

I looked at the picture once more, focusing on the boy with brunette hair who was standing next to Chan. I would never be able to pretend that Minho wasn't the cutest kid in high school. Everyone was all over him. He was way out of my league. Even though he is much more stylish and handsome now, his face appears really worn. How am I going to face him next time I see him?

Felix, a ginger freckled boy, stands to the right. I couldn't remember when we had last spent time together. A few months after graduating, he stopped playing in our band and became distant from us. Suddenly, he disappeared from our lives. With his long hair, he now had a much more bad boy appearance, according to the missing poster. He had been, always.

"Hey Cora, would you mind checking to see if they have batteries at the grocery store? I need to work on this..." Chan looked at the surveillance cameras he had taken out of the drawer as he gave me the money. "Vanna works there."

"Oh, sick. I guess I should go then." As I was going to leave the store, Jisung yelled, "GET US SNACKS!" as I snatched the money and jammed it in my pocket.

"YA GOT IT!" I yelled in response.

Since the grocery shop was down the street, the walk wouldn't be too far. Across the street was Poppy's Coffee as well. I thought about going to visit Minho, maybe apologize, and ask him to go have pizza with us later. He used to be my best friend, therefore I should really make it up to him, but the thought frightened me.

Vanna wasn't behind the counter when I went inside the store to look for her. I went through the snack aisle and picked some snacks as well as drinks. I swung around to see Vanna standing directly in front of me, staring at me with no emotion.

"Are you trying to find anything?" Dropping the box and restocking the shelves, Vanna asked nonchalantly. 

“You scared me, dude.”

“My bad. Your head’s okay?”

“Oh, yeah, a little.” I rubbed my head. “You got any batteries?”

“Yeah, behind the counter. What type?” She stopped restocking to go to the counter and searched through the variety of different batteries.

“Type? Shit, I dunno. Chan just said he needs some for the camera or something.”

“What kind of camera? Is it a film?”

“Looks more like a security camera.”

Vanna slammed the product on the counter and began scanning the rest of the items. Vanna didn't seem to buzz, but the sudden loud hum coming from the freezer distracted me. 

“Store looks busted.”

“A lot of shit went down this summer. My boss said he’d order for repairs, but I don't see any motherfucker to come fix it and it’s been months.” As she pushed the objects she had completed scanning in my direction, she said. “No plastic bags either. Someone usually has to bring their own big bag. Better for the environment.”

“Cool.” We both stood silently, just staring at each other.

“So..”

“I didn’t mean anything I’ve said yesterday.”

“It’s cool. I barely remember half of it, honestly.”

“Yeah, me neither. You really need to chill when it comes to drinking.”

“Was it really bad?” I tried not to watch the memory again in my mind as I shamefully rubbed my head.

“Everyone forgot it. I’m sure Minho finds it funny now.” Vanna said as she scrolled on her phone.

I hit my head on the counter and moaned. I'm worried about what Minho thinks of me now, more than whether there's an image somewhere of me getting wasted.

"Do you hate Minho or something?" Sincerely curious, I inquired, recalling vaguely what Vanna had said about him the previous evening.

“No, I was just upset. Just wanted to bring someone up to blame. I should learn not to.” 

“Hm. You wanna go for a pizza with us? Jisung, Chan, maybe Minho.”

“I’m still working.” Vanna looked up from her phone, furrowing her eyebrow.

“Like later.”

“Sure.” 

“Sick.”

“...”

“I should stop by Minho’s work…”

“Good luck, man.” 

So leave my sweater on the porch 

I’ll leave your bag under the stairs

Don’t go back to our old place

It’s probably locked up anyway

I crossed the street tensely, imagining what I should say or how I should apologize as I made my way to Poppy's Coffee. Hesitantly, I paused in front of the store entrance, debating whether or not to go inside or simply walk out and travel to space, never to return. Someone from inside the store opened the door before I could even extend my hand, revealing Minho. His lovely reddish-brown hair and honey complexion glistened in the sun's rays. He gave me a radiant smile.

"Cora! I was just wondering if you were okay." With a broad smile, he flashed his bunny teeth. "I kind of ran to open it for you after seeing you standing there for a minute. You know, you just gotta be a gentleman. Come inside, Co!" Minho laughed as he greeted you with a smile at the rustic coffee shop. The room had a pleasant aroma of roast coffee, antique, charming vintage tables and chairs, and a lot of fairy lights hanging from the ceiling. Since I left, the shop's entire style has evolved. He obviously decorated it, as I could tell. "Oh, and you still enjoy mocha, correct? I can do it right now!" His excitement and sudden outburst of energy reveal a new aspect of him that makes my eyes widen in disbelief.

"What's up with you?" Watching him run in circles and start preparing coffee for me, I blurted out.

"I'm just happy to see you back home," Minho smiled at me, really sweet, and then gathered everything to make coffee on the counter.

“I don’t have any money, dude.”

“On the house!”

“Free drink.. Sick..” I found a table and sat down, observing him prepare a drink. With his small watch on his wrist and a brown apron on top, he had his sweater sleeves rolled up. Now that his hair was groomed, his entire face was visible to me. I completely understand why so many girls were over him. It makes sense that he has a girlfriend. Oh, right.

"I apologize for last night." I looked down, embarrassed, trying to scrape the skin off my arm. And a little disappointed that he actually had a girlfriend.

“Oh, that’s no problem! You were just.. being you again.” With a giggle, he looked up at me and flashed his rabbit teeth once more. "You don't have to buy me a new shirt, by the way. I could easily wash it."

"Well, yeah, I know. I've puked on you twice already, it's ridiculous." I laughed along with him.

"Your hot mocha is here! It's getting chilly outside, and see, I drew you a cat!" Minho approached my table gingerly and set the mug down carefully, revealing a white kitten sketched in cream. Still grinning and gazing at me, he took a seat in front of me as well. I was able to get a closer, clearer look at him. He looked very tired, but his cute big smile topped it off. 

“Since when do you know how to do this?” 

“My mom taught me when I started working. It’s kinda therapeutic actually.” He giggled once again. “God, I’m so giggly today. Maybe, you’re finally here with me again like the good old times.”

“Couldn’t agree more.” I took a sip of the hot mocha and realized it was the best drink I had ever had. "I had a brownie with my coffee the last time I drank it in college, and it tastes really bitter."

Minho snorted, "Obviously, chocolate tastes much sweeter than coffee itself. Of course it will taste bitter."

“I miss Felix’s brownies.” 

“Right, Felix. Do you know about it?”

“Yeah, I always wonder why he left.”

“You think he left? Not like being kidnapped or something?”

“Do you think he was kidnapped?”

With a sigh, he palmed his face and rested his elbow on the table. "Just a hunch on my part. To be honest, nobody in the town seemed to be making any effort to find him. Chan and his family may have tried, but they got nothing."

"Why did you stop talking to Chan and Han?"

"Well, it was a bit complicated." Minho tightened, straightened his back, and gave me a sincere look. "Listen—I am deeply sorry for how I treated you when you told me you were going to college about two years ago."

“Hey, it’s all chill, dude.” 

“No, it’s obviously not. I know you were drunk last night, but everything you said, I’ve thought about it a lot since.” 

“I was just out of my mind. I don’t even remember half of it. Vanna even told me I called you cute, so that’s awkward ‘cause y’know you have a girlfriend and all.” I blurted it out, sulking, and nodding till I turned to face him, who appeared confused.

“...”

“...”

“What?”

“I don’t.. have one?” His head was cocked in confusion at me.

“Dude, that girl at the party, y’know-”

“Pretty sure she’s a lesbian.”

“Oh.”

“I kinda had to dip when she started making out with that girl which lasted for like a long minute.”

“Ooh.”

“Yeah.”

“Oooh.”

“Mhm.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s good.”

“Have you ever had one?”

“Why?”

I scowled at him as I sagged into my chair and folded my arms. "Well, have you seen yourself?" I asked.

"I'm not really chasing it." He was moving a little stiffly, suddenly tense.

"Yes, whatever, boo, tomato," I said.

"Someone has been on my mind for a very long time, and still is." In the end, Minho said, "Just not ready to tell them."

"Oh." I forced myself not to get emotional as I imagined Minho to have feelings for someone who is completely unlike me. "Whatever, do you want to join me, Han, Chan, and Vanna for pizza?"

"Oh? I'll see if I can stop by, but I'm kind of busy all day." Minho smiled.

"Well, I missed us all together."

"I know, sorry, I've been busy a lot lately." The bell at the door rings, announcing that the customers have arrived. He let out a sigh and rose from his chair, eager to resume his job. "I have to go right now. I'll try to see and come by, okay?" Minho smiled at you one last time before returning to his job.

I nodded slowly and watched him as he began to take orders and put back his apron. I got up from my seat and exited the store, expecting to meet him later. 

I bet it still looks the same as when I ran away that day

Everyone was at the Marinara Magic eating pizza and sides and sitting and talking to one another. The realization that the two years I had been waiting for was finally here nearly took my breath away. Even though Chan was trying to talk them out of being too loud and scared that the staff could kick us out, Jisung was being playful as usual with Vanna and they were fighting over pizza toppings. But I was disappointed that Minho wasn't here yet. It appears that the kids are still not on good terms with him. For the last twenty minutes, all I could look at was the front entrance. While Jisung was still yapping and Chan was on his phone, Vanna appeared to notice but chose not to speak out.

Maybe, it’ll be too awkward if he comes.

The pizza place looked precisely the same as it did when I left. The red checkered tablecloth, slightly worn-out wooden seats, leon signs, and several framed pictures of former employees and musicians who had dinner here. The owner, who had been employed there since the 1990s and was now essentially a grandfather, ultimately left due to the death of his son. Unlike most soldiers, who return home to surprise their families, his son arrived in a box. He was "at fault" for electing to join the army of his own free will, but no one believed it was all lies and propaganda. The brutal reality of the American dream was that. You either achieve everything successfully or lose everything. 

Although it didn't taste as good as it used to, it was still better than the pizza I had in the city. Even yet, I feel like throwing up when I eat pizza. I fidgeted as I started to finish the drink in the red glass, wondering when Minho would arrive. Would he even show up at all? Does he even care?

Vanna moved to get closer to me and said in a whisper, "Are you waiting for Minho?"

"Yeah." I glanced at the boys to see if they heard us, but they were still too engaged to respond. "Do you think this would make them hate me?"

"No, they were hoping to speak with him, but that jerk decided not to. That's what I think." With a shrug, Vanna settled back into her chair and took her notebook out of her leather purse. 

“He confuses me sometimes.”

“Are you really confused or just frustrated?”

“I guess, both.” I sighed. 

“A friend,” She quoted, “shouldn’t make you that frustrated, let’s be real.”

“I guess.. I mean, I know he has some rough family issues, that’s all. I don’t know if there’s anything else.”

“You didn’t at least try to talk to him earlier?” 

“I did try!” I pouted, sinking down in my seat. “He’s just.. being complicated.”

“What did he say?”

“I dunno.. Like he was being overly nice and then it got awkward when you know, I asked about his girlfriend which I thought he does have, but he doesn’t and he still hasn’t told me what really happened–”

Vanna groaned, putting her hands on her head. “What the fuck are you talking about? You’re the one being complicated.”

“Okay, well–” Just as I was about to defend myself, I felt a bit offended.

"Vanna's not wrong here, kid." Chan said, still deeply absorbed in his phone.

"I am not a kid!" I yelled at him inaudibly. "He's just making things more complicated,"

"You TWO are being so complicated and annoying!" Jisung also yelled as he pointed jokingly at me with his finger.

"Holy shit-" Vanna places her fingers on her nose's bridge.

"What is happening here?" When someone else's voice was heard, the yelling stopped. There was no way I could pretend that seeing him didn't make me nearly puke again.

"Awkward…" Vanna rolled her eyes and sang.

"We ate the entire pizza!" With a wide smile, Jisung resumed his random hand gestures.

“Don’t worry, I’ll buy you a slice.” Chan took out his card and stood up.

“No, it’s good, I can just–”

“Shut up and let me buy you one, man.”

“I know, but-”

“Dude, c’mon, we haven’t talked in a while-”

“I’m the one that should make up-”

“No–”

Everyone else at the table chuckled at their interaction as I smacked my head against the table.

It doesn’t matter anyway

‘Cause I’m happy here

"That pizza was gooood, ay?" As he put his arm around Minho, Chan laughed. By now it had gotten late, so everyone left Marinara Magic together to walk home. The staff seemed to already like Chan enough to not throw us out, so I'm amazed they put up with us.  

"But not as good as it was before. I could make it better at home!" Minho replied as Vanna and I just kept strolling down the street in silence as the boys laughed and chatted about how much they used to miss his cooking. I couldn't help but feel uneasy tension when I was around Minho, even though it felt great to have him back in the group like we did in high school. At least, we were all back to normal again. Nothing bad will definitely happen!

I was taken aback by what I had just seen on the pavement and froze in place. An arm mutilated, with blood dripping from the tip. I turned back to give the kids a warning since they were all standing in a circle and talking nonstop, much as when family get together and chat for hours at a time. "There's an arm, guys!" I yelled out and ran to the tree to get a stick, then I walked back to where the arm was and attempted to poke it. The group approached it with caution and began to swear loudly as soon as they saw it.

"Why are you poking it?" Like everyone else, Jisung coughed in disgust and yelled silently.

"It's too much to look at." Vanna stopped staring at it and poked her tongue out.

"How did that end up there? Has there been a murder? That shit barely happens here since like that one incident in 1990," Minho inquired.

"Was that not in 1983?" Chan folded his arm and scowled at Minho.

"No fucker, that's the bite of '83 you're thinking of; it's definitely before 1990." As I was prodding the arm, I snorted, and Jisung burst out laughing and slapped his thigh.

"Sorry, the what?"

"Game reference." Minho stated while awkwardly scratching his head.

Chan said, "He's really back," shaking his head.

“Oh, shut it.”

"Are we going to do shit about this or not? This kid is messing with it." Vanna spoke out.

"Dude, get up." The lighting flashed on us as Chan attempted to grip my shoulder, and I realized who it was as I got up.

"What's going on over here?" My aunt was standing there in her uniform, staring at us expressionlessly.

"A arm!" I gave my aunt a smile and gestured to where it was. She bowed, glanced down, examined the arm, and reported what had transpired using her talkie-walkie.

"You kids need to go home. We will take care of it."

"But-"

"Go. Home." Aunt gave me a scowl. 

I kept glancing back, wondering what the whole "arm" thing was about, but Minho kept trying to pull me out of it and finally we walked home together. Since their routes to their homes differed from mine, half of the group bid goodbye and parted ways. Since Minho and I live in the same neighborhood, we strolled home in silence.

"Wow, that was crazy." He let out another quiet laugh to break the ice. 

"Yeah." Still feeling a little uneasy, I laughed too. When we arrived at my house, I was about to say goodbye, when Minho grabbed my wrist. I was shocked as I looked down and wondered what he was going to say.

"Hey, listen, uhm," The taller one went on, "If you want, we can hang out this weekend?"

I nodded despite standing there taking in what he had told me. 

"Alright, cool. So, see you then?" Minho smiled at me, and I smiled back. We kept looking at one other, and neither of us wanted to break eye contact. I finally hurried to my house and entered, blushing slightly. Is it a date? Nah, nah, you’re crazy. It’s totally not. 

I began to search around my living room for my dad, but figured that since it's becoming late, they might be asleep. I mentally noted that I will talk to him more before he leaves for work tomorrow morning when I woke up. After walking the flight of stairs to my room, I completed my night routine and was soon ready for bed. As I lay in bed tonight, I pondered how quickly today went from being just normal to not so normal. Since I had nothing planned for tomorrow, I thought I should stay home and perhaps look up old strange incidents that occurred in my town a long time ago on the internet. It's been a while since I last hunted a ghost. I should do it again. 

I should just go to sleep.

I sleep well alone now

NEXT JOURNAL ON SEPTEMBER 4

AUTHOR'S NOTE ➳ this one is kinda rushed but i hope u still enjoy it! make sure u read the warnings before u read each chapter bc i update it every chapter :p

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[skellyflowers]

Worst Uber Ever

I was 7 years old when it happened. When life as I knew it was irreversibly changed. My master wanted to protect me from the truth about the war. She used to say that she would tell me about it when I was older and that I shouldn't try to grow up too quickly. I was so jealous of her older students, they got to know her secret.

I'm starting to forget her face. My last memory of her was being shoved into a starfighter with the other kids as the clones that were with us had suddenly attacked. The ship we were in almost crashed into an incoming clone transport ship.

I don't remember much of my life a few years after that. I lived on a few different planets in my youth. Then I heard about the fall of the Empire. That's why I have stayed on Xerxen-5 for so long. I know that 5 years isn't long for some people but it is for me. The only other place I have lived long term was Palos, in a monastery.

Then I grew up and moved around again for a few years before settling on Xerxen. I only planned to stay for a year at most. But now I am part of the community. It's a nice feeling.

My walk to work is the same as usual. I leave my apartment, say hi to the neighbors, and stop at the corner store for a snack. I liked working at the music lounge. Being the front desk host isn't really hard, it helps that the main clientele rarely cause any trouble. There are a few bad apples but nothing we can't handle.

Any other long night means I don't get out of the lounge until 2 a.m. I walk to the light rail as I always do. But tonight I decided to take a shortcut. Not a great idea. Especially when the shortcut is an alley. But I was really tired, maybe if I took a nap before work I would have noticed that I was followed.

It’s not until I hear a bottle brake that I realize two men were behind me. I recognize them, they are regulars at the lounge.I kicked them out last week for getting too drunk and grabbing a waitress. I hope they are too drunk right now.

“Where are you going in such a hurry?” One slurs. “Me and Dom were looking for another drinking partner.”

“No thanks, I got an early morning.” I say, trying to get out of the situation.

“Aww, come on. A pretty little thing like you shouldn’t be alone.” Says Dom. “Besides you owe us for kicking us out that night.” 

Shit. They remember! I got to go.

Dom manages to get his arm around my shoulders. He smells horrible.

“So you get a drink with us, we see where the night takes us and then we will be even.” What he is implying makes me sick.

“No. I’m going home.” I say sternly.

“That's fine. We can skip the drink.” Says the other guy. OH FUCK NO!

I punch Dom in his ribs and he crumbles. He grabs at his side. Then he swings a fist at me, I move just enough that it misses my face but hits my shoulder. I counter with a kick, it connects but Dom holds on to my ankle. He then sweeps my other leg and I land on my back. Dom sits on top of me and gets ready to punch me. I  then do something I haven’t done in months, I reach out to the Force. Dom then is launched off me and hits the alley wall. I hear the other man yell at me. Probably an insult. I get ready for him to run at me. 

But he doesn’t. Instead after a few steps he falls on his face and is dragged backwards by his feet. I didn’t do that. Who else is here?

The one lamp post in the alley suddenly turns on. I see that the guy is strung upside down on a fire escape. In the light is a man in head to toe armor. It is all black with a gold symbol that looks like wings painted across his helmet. That looks like Mandalorian armor! That’s the last thing I need right now. When he is done securing the rope to the lamp post he looks toward me.

“Are you ok?” He asks.

“Yes.” I don’t know how much of the fight he saw. But I know I can’t stay here. I might not be able to stay on this planet.

“Good. Are you far from your home? We should leave, sooner rather than later.”

“I’m not going anywhere with you!”

“I’m here to help. I’m not going to hurt you. I’m IV.”

The guy he strung up the fire escape starts to groan. That must mean he is waking up. Then almost in slow motion he starts to yell and swing his arms.

“I SAW YOU! I SAW WHAT YOU DID! JEDI!”

IV punches the guy and knocks him out. Atleast is think he does, I am running at full speed to my apartment. I need my things and get out of here. Who knows how many other people heard “Jedi" and called the authorities. The Empire is willing to pay big money for anyone who is Force sensitive.

Back in my simple apartment I picked up my emergency bag. I always try to stay ready to leave at a moment's notice. The only thing I need to figure out now is how to get off world before the Empire shuts down the Space Ports.

When I exit my apartment IV is standing there. What does he want? I need to get out of here!

“Are you ready to go? We shouldn’t stay any longer than needed.”

“Stop saying ‘we’ there is no ‘we’! I am not going anywhere with you!” I start to move towards the Space Port.

“I was sent by Cal Kestis. He's a jedi.” That stops me in my tracks.

“What?”

“He hired me to find you and bring you off world to meet him.”

“How does he know about me?”

“He said something about a ‘pull’ I didn’t really understand.” He pauses. “He said that a few months ago he felt someone reach out asking for help.”

I think for a moment. I did have an absolutely horrid day a few months ago. A combination of little sleep, being depressed, multiple work shifts and harassing customers. I just wanted to hear my Master’s voice one more time. I didn’t think I had actually reached out to anyone. I decided to take a chance.

“Where is he?” I ask.

“He asked me to bring you to Por.” IV explains. “It’s a remote forest planet. It’s safe.”

“Ok, let’s go.” I say after a pause.

“Ok. My ship is outside the city. We should go quickly.” I nod and follow him. I can’t believe I'm going along with a total stranger.

In ten minutes IV leads me to an Omicron Attack Shuttle. I throw my bag in the storage area and sit in the co-pilot seat. IV starts the take off protocol. We get out of Xerxen-5's atmosphere. But just as IV enters coordinates on his ship's navigation a huge Empire Cruiser jumps out of hyperspace in front of us. A communication request alarm rings in the cockpit.

“Unknown ship identify yourself.” Says a voice over the Communications Relay.

“I’m just a transport vessel. I’m moving cargo.” IV lies.

“Send over your transport code.”

IV looks over at me. I can assume he sees the panic in my face. He then turns his whole body to face me.

“Put your seatbelt on. This might get rough.”

I do as asked. IV does the same. What is he going to do?

“Send over your transport code. NOW!” When IV doesn’t send a code the voice makes one last communication “Disengage your engines and prepare to be boarded.”

IV engages the ship’s thrusters to fly under the Empreal Cruiser. The cargo bay doors open up and five Tie-Fighters fly out toward us. The ships immediately open fire at us. IV begins evasive maneuvers to avoid being hit by blaster fire. I was glad he told me to put on a seat belt when he does a barrel roll and I feel myself lift off my seat.

“As soon as I can get a window I’ll get into Hyperspace.” IV says as we get hit. “Shields at 75%.”

A fighter flies ahead of us and tries to blast right at the cockpit! IV made a last second swerve and the blast hit the fighter behind us. IV shoots the fighter and it explodes. We take another shot in the side and an alarm starts to go off.

“That was a hard hit. Shields at 25%” says IV “I have an idea.”

“What are you doing?” I ask. All the spinning is going to make me sick.

“I'm going to lose them on that planet ahead of us. Hul Prime has a thick atmosphere and multiple mountain ranges. We can use that to confuse them and get a chance to get into Hyperspace.”

“Ok, at least you have a plan.”

We got shot one last time in the back left engine. The cockpit fills with red lights and alarms. 

“What does that diagram next to you say?!” IV yells.

“Left engine out, Shields at 0%.”

“Shit.” That’s not good. “We’re going to crash.” That’s really not good.

We break the atmosphere of Hul Prime. I don’t know if the whole planet is frozen over or just this part. If we weren’t being chased and shot at this place would be really beautiful. IV is doing his best to avoid hitting any mountains and being shot at.

“There is a valley with a cave ahead. I will try to crash there. Brace yourself.”

I hold on to my seatbelt and wait for the impact. The ship slams onto the ground and slides on the icy ground. The nose of the ship hits a rock wall and buries the ship in snow and ice. The whiplash made me hit my head on the seat headrest. I’m not sure how long I was knocked out. When I am fully aware I see that IV is pointing a flashlight in my face.

“What happened?” I ask.

“We crashed. The back of the ship is buried in the snow.”

“Are we still getting chased?”

“No, but a scout team might come looking for us.” He puts a canteen in my face. “Drink this, I’ll see what the damage is.”

I take a drink and wait for a few minutes. I look for IV in the ship’s hull but he isn’t there. I walk out of the ship and see IV looking into an open panel by the ship’s engine. He looks over at me once I get close to him.

“I’m sorry this happened.”

“I don’t think you did it on purpose.” His shoulders bounce once as he gets a short laugh. “What’s wrong with the ship?”

“It’s good news and bad news. Good news is that the engines can be fixed. Bad news is that I don’t have the tools to fix the hull.”

“What’s wrong with the hull?”

“Did you miss the huge hole? It probably happened when we hit the rock wall.”

“Can I help?”

“Yes, grab the flamethrower and clear the snow behind us. We didn’t slide into the cave.”

I walk back into the ship to look for the flamethrower. I noticed a flashing light on the ship's console. Surprisingly, the ship's navigation is still online, and I see that IV let out a mapping drone. I look out of the window as the drone returns to the ship. I watch as a map of the area is displayed. 

According to the map we crashed right outside of a cave system. And given that there is an ice wall, I assume this was a waterfall. I scroll around the map and see that down the tunnel there is a hole that leads outside. I wonder if that could be a way out.

“Did you send out a map drone?” I ask.

“Yes, why did it come back?”

“Yes. I think I saw a way out.”

“Really? Show me.”

We walk back into the ship and I show him the map. He scrolls around the map just as I did. After he ran a diagnostic check on the ship.

“If we can't get out of here today we will have heat for the night.”

“What if I go check? If you can get the ship online I can tell you where to go.”

He stays quiet for a little while. I don't know what he is looking at but I assume it's the ice wall in front of us. Just when I think he isn't going to answer me at all, his head turns towards me.

“Alright. Get the flamethrower and a commlink. Watch your step, and call if you need anything.”

I can't help the smile that grows on my face. I'm happy we're building trust. It's been a while since I really thought I could. Looking over my shoulder for years has been exhausting.

I grab the flamethrower and melt a hole in the ice big enough for me to pass through. Ice is only a few inches thick so if we can leave it will be easy to melt the ice enough for the ship to get past it. The tunnel is big enough for ship, but covered in ice. I follow a path down the tunnel until I see a crack in the ceiling.  

After following the crack I see a hole! I can hear the wind and I can see clouds rolling by. I'm not sure if it is big enough for the ship to fly out of but it's a start.

“Hey, I found the hole on the map.”

“Good. I'm on my way.”

After about ten minutes IV meets me in the tunnel. He looks up at the hole in the ceiling for a few moments. He then taps the side on his helmet and looks around the tunnel.

“It will be a tight squeeze, but I can get the ship out of here.”

As we walked back to the ship a chunk of ice fell from the ceiling. IV pulled me to his side just before the ice would have landed on my head. The ice shattered like glass and we both looked to the ceiling. I can’t see anything but I do hear a rumble. Then another chunk of ice falls, this one even bigger! As IV and I dodge the falling ice I see it! It’s a huge Ice Wrym! At Least 10 meters long!

“Run!” IV shouts as the creature roars at us.

As we run back to the ship I hear an explosion go off behind us. Followed by another roar. I don’t look back, it’s probably not a good idea anyway. As I see the ship, still behind the ice wall I feel IV slam into me. As I look over to him I see that he is now shooting at the beast.

“Get back to the ship and see if the cannons are online!”

I ran even faster than before to reach the hole I melted earlier. I get into the ship and see what is online. All the while trying not to get too distracted by the roaring just behind the ice wall.

The ship growls to life with lights and alarms. I check to see what systems are online. Engines, navigation and the hyperactive are active but not the guns! The one thing I need to help IV. I hope he is ok. I don't hear his blaster firing anymore.

“IV are you ok?” I ask with the ship's commlink.

“I'm holding it back with the flamethrower. Get the guns online!” 

I can't. They're not online and by the time I could get them online it would be too late. I only have one idea. I ran to the back of the ship to find my bag. I need to help IV.

I haven't picked up my lightsaber in years. It's a little small now that I'm an adult. But somehow it still feels right. I run back outside and squeeze through the hole in the ice. The Ice Wyrm is blasted by the flamethrower. IV has managed to push the beast back down the tunnel. 

The Wyrm then whips around and slams IV with its tail. It wraps its tail around IV’S ankle. The creature then climbed on to the ceiling. IV is now dangling upside down. I activate my lightsaber and the blade comes alive with blue light and a hum. It feels good to have my saber and to use it again,almost nostalgic. But I can reminisce later, IV needs my help.

“HEY! PUT HIM DOWN!” I shout. 

The beast roars in response, then charges at me still on the ceiling. I took on a defensive stance, as I started to make a plan. My first goal is to get IV free from the Wyrm’s grip. I don’t want to kill the beast, we did crash into its home, but I still prepare myself just in case. I dodge the Wyrm as it runs into one ice wall and causes a huge icicle to fall in the center of the tunnel. I use it to my advantage.

I climb on to the icicle while the Creature is recovering from the hit from the wall. IV is still being held by the ankle. I see him trying to get free. I reactivate my blade and jump down from the ice. I bring the blade down on the Wyrm’s tail and make a clean cut. The Wyrm lets out a n ear piercing scream of pain. I can help but feel a twinge of guilt as the Wyrm runs back.

Thinking that the fight was over I helped IV stand. He says he is fine, just dizzy. I start to help him look for his blaster and the flamethrower. IV finds the blaster with ease, and I see that the flamethrower is in two pieces. As I go to collect the pieces I hear another rumble. Oh no.

Further down the tunnel I see the Wyrm charging towards me again. Its mouth wide ready to strike. Razor sharp fangs ready to tear me apart. Somewhere I hear IV yell something. I took out my lightsaber one last time. As the Wyrm dived at me I used the force to lift myself over its head. I then bury the blade into the Wyrm’s head. The beast screams and flails its body before falling dead.

“You ok?” IV asks as I climb off the beast.

“Yes. I was hoping it would just leave. I didn't want to kill it.” I can feel the sting of tears in my eyes.

“You didn’t have a choice. You did it to protect yourself, to protect me too.”

The reassurance makes me feel a little better. IV gently leads me back to the ship. He works on some part of the ship to get the guns back online. Once he finishes he makes sure everything in the hull is tied down and then seals the cockpit. We start the journey by blasting down the ice wall and make our way out.

Thankfully the rest of the journey goes smoothly. I don’t think that my heart could take more excitement right now. I managed to get a nap while in hyperspace. I wake up just before we exit hyperspace. Just as IV said Por is remote, and full of thick forests. After IV finds a suitable place to land we hike to the meet spot with Cal.

I feel Cal before I see him. He and two other people come out of the trees. IV approaches first and he and Cal shake hands. IV then waves me over to introduce myself. After that Cal takes me to a cave and begins to test my abilities as I told him about my past and the journey to get to him. I feel a bit vulnerable talking about myself in front of strangers but I power through the feeling.

“You are still one with the force.” Cal says after my tests.

“What do I do now? I don’t really have anywhere to go.”

“I can train you, if you would like. You have a place here. I know it's not much.” Cal then takes a pause. “Think about it, tonight you need rest.”

I exit out of the cave and see IV still sitting outside. This is now the second time he has been waiting for me. I tell him about the tests and Cal’s offer. He agrees that I should rest before I make a decision. So I do just that.

In the morning I get more details from Cal about what to expect if I stay. Cal will do everything in his power to help me to improve my skills. Both in the force and in combat. One of Cal’s goals is to find any surviving jedi and make a safe home for them. That helps me make a choice.

After my meeting with Cal I looked for IV. He is on his ship talking to someone. I plan to wait until he is done with his conversation until the hologram of another Black armor Mandlorian tells IV I am in the room with him.

“Is that your rescuer IV?” he asks, crossing his arms.

“I’ll call you back, Vessel.” Iv says abruptly. I can’t see his face but I can feel how flustered he suddenly is. “How did it go?”

“I’m going to stay with Cal. I want to improve my skills, I owe it to myself.”

“That sounds good. I’ll be back after I get repairs on my ship. One of my friends is close to a mechanic. They are only a few systems away.”

“You’re coming back?” I ask. “I would have thought that your job was done a day ago.”

“You saved my life. I am in your debt. By creed I must repay you. You're not getting rid of me so easily.”

“You sure about that? I'm pretty good at avoiding danger, plus you just saw me kill a monster.”

“I guess we are stuck with each other.”

“I like the sound of that.”

[sanscat0414]

To Close for Comfort

Hawks X Injured Reader

This is a longer one shot.

Warning: Gore, Angst (don’t worry there is fluff too),

——————————————————-

The Previous Night….

“KEIGO!!! Don’t you get it? I don’t want you disappearing on me without notice!”

“Babybird please not now I just came home. I’m exhausted.”

“No we need to talk about this!!!! You can’t just go on a mission without telling me or at least text me that your okay! It’s been 2 weeks!!!”

“It happens you know that. I have a lot of work.”

“Keigo I know but a small text like a ‘hi’ or ‘I’m okay’ is better than ghosting me. I been worried sick!!!”

“Come on it’s not a big deal.” He said in a tried voice. He was slowly getting visibly annoyed. He knew you ment well but the tiredness that built up took over.

“Keigo! It is how would you feel if I had left for 2 weeks without a call huh!?”

He ingored you cries and just went to his bedroom.

“Find be like that.” You whispered and let him be.

You decide it was best to just sleep on the couch. You were mad and he was ignoring you. It was best had some time to cool off and you though you might be able to talk to him later

——— Time skip to current day

You didn’t bother to wake him up. You knew he was exhausted probably form many nights without sleep. You wanted him to have a bit of extra shit eye. You may be mad at him but you still care. You made him breakfast knowing he probably make something unhealthy if you didn’t. You left it in the fridge and left without a word to go to work.

Hawks on the other had had slept almost the entire afternoon. The mission he was sent to left him sleep deprived and it was the first in many days that he got any proper sleep.

Hawks woke up groggily and did this “morning” routine. He walked to the kitchen to for anything to eat. Hawks saw the meal you left him, he couldn’t help but smile knowing you still went out of your way to make him something dispute the argument form last night. As he eat his mind wondered back to the previous night. You were right, he probably should have told you but the commission didn’t allow that. He felt guilty for treating you so badly. He was exhausted but he knew that wasn’t a good excuse to blowing up on you and ignoring your distress.

After he finished his meal he went to get his phone to hopefully get to call you and maybe ask if you out on a date to make it up to you. It was then that Hawks notice alll the countless calls from you. Hawks called him immediately after seeing them and he rang up your phone. He instantly got extremely worried.

To his surprise it wasn’t you who answered.

“Hawks?” It was Fatgum a long time friend of yours and his.

“FatGum? Where’s y/n I just saw she called me a bunch of time. Is she ok?”

“*sigh* Y/n is in the hospital.”

As soon as he heard “y/n” and “hospital” He grabbed his keys and left your shares Penthouse.

“Which hospital and where?” He asked.

He flew as fast as he could to the hospital that Fatgum said. He end the call as soon as he got the address. He felt dreadful for not being there when you need him the most. On his way there all Hawks could think was how he fail at be a hero, your hero. The one person that he most desperately wanted to protect he fail to do so. He beat himself over as he got closer and closer as the since of dread loomed over him.

Once Hawks got to the hospital, he got you room number and bolted upstairs and straight to you. He was mortified; he was so focused on you taht he didn’t even realize that Fatgum was still the room.

You were in the medical bed-with few machines hook up to you and Iv in your arm. You had bandages covering most of your arms and probably most of your body. Worst yet you were unconscious. Hawks walked up to the bed and sat close to you. He gently held your hand and brought it up to his head.

“Babybird….” He said quietly

It took him a few minutes but he finally got the the courage to ask Fatgum what happened.

“I don’t know how it started but it was lucky that I was patrolling that area. I saw Y/n was being beaten up by a couple of thugs. I was able to stop them and got y/n here as fast as possible” Fatgum said.

“I should have been there to save her… I’m sorry baby I should I’ve been there…” he said mostly to himself.

“Hey, Hawks you shouldn’t been may yourself over for something you can’t control.”

“I could have been there! If only I wad awake maybe I could have been there for her!” Hawks said.

“Hawks…” Fatgum was saddened by Hawks’s loathing.

“What did the doctors say? Will she be okay? When is she going to wake up?”

“They don’t know when she is going to wake up or if she could wake up….” Fatgum said sadly.

Fatgum left you and Hawks alone after that. He had his own patrols but he prayed that you be okay for both yours and Hawks’s sake.

—————-1 Week Later——————

The past 3 days was hell for Hawks. He was distracted at work, he couldn’t get a proper night sleep due to nightmares and all he could think about was you. He was a mess. Everyday he go to work and come to the hospital to stay until he gets kicked out because visiting hours were closed. He would tell you about his day, even tho he didn’t know if you could here him; seeing you still alive was the only thing keeping him going. He constantly thought bout your last interaction. Hawks thought “why didn’t I just hear you out.” And “if only I had listened to you maybe things would be different.

This day was no different, Hawks sat there hold your hand telling you about his day. He held your hand as the days of loss sleep caught up to him. He fell asleep by your side.

You woke up feeling like a truck had hit you. You opened your eyes to the bright lights of the hospital room. You immediately closed your eyes and waited until your eyes where adjusted before looking around. It was then you notice that Hawks was sleeping while holding your hand in his.

You try to recall the events that lead to your hospitalization. You only remember trying to call Hawks after a couple to men trying to flirt with you then they got violent because you turn them down. You didn’t move much mostly because it hurt all over but also you didn’t want to wake Hawks up.

A few minutes later, you hear a bit of fluttering and Hawks’ eyes shot open. He looked at you, and you looked back directly into his golden eyes. It took a few minutes but he was finally able to process that your awake.

“Baby bird!” He sayer looking both relieved and surprise “let me get a doctor to check on you then we can talk okay? Just don’t move.”

“Okay.”

After the doctor checked on you, they let you and hawks alone.

“I’m sorry… I should have been there to help you.” He said avoiding eye contact and looking down at your hand in his.

“It’s not your fault, I should have been more careful.”

“Baby, I was so scared… scared I lost you. Scared that are last interaction wad an argument because of my stupidity… I’m sorry for ghosting you, I’m sorry for no being better…”

“Keigo, I’m here now right? Still very much alive. So don’t worry.”

He didn’t say anything as he felt guilty for not being there for you and not being able to save you.

“Keigo, I’m sorry for blowing up on you too, I know your busy and I could have been a little more gentle. I love you and I wanna know that your safe. So if you promise that you at least tell me that your okay by even just a 1 letter text when your on a longer mission. I’m happy and I would forgive you.” You said as you gently booped his nose.

“No, you shouldn’t be sorry; I’m the one who mess up. I’m the one who didn’t answer your call when you need me the most. I promise! And next time I promise all be there when you need me. I promise I’ll be better.” He said looking up at you.

For the rest do your recovery, Hawks was there to help with anything you need. He even tried to spend more time with you to the dismay of the commission.

Admittedly he got super overprotective of you making sure if your outside you have one person to be able to keep you safe wether that wad with him or with a hero friend. It was a little annoying but you get where he was coming from. He even gave you a small feather to keep you safe, you can use it as a dagger or just to mess with him a little. True to his words, whenever he was out on a longer mission, he al and try to call you or send at least a text every other day. At the end of the day Hawks truly loves you and you love him all the same even if he’s a little bird brain sometimes.

[send-up-my-heart-to-you]

in honor of world mental health day heres my story below the cut :)

kinda hard to talk abt this cause its somewhat triggering and ik theres gonna be ppl who think im just an emo 15 y/o, but i swear im not tryna be dramatic. im tryna make peace with my past, and also show others that despite everything, you can make it.

also, im tryna show that healing isnt all sunshine and daises. theres the good, the bad, and the ugly. you can and will survive it all

tw: sewerslide attempt, abusive parents, self harm, violence ig ?

ive died two times in my life so far.

the first time, it was my parents who killed me. december 31st, 2020, ~1.15am. i remember dragging across the hallway in my house, a throbbing sensation in my thigh, the mark already turning purple. i walked past my younger sisters' room, where my cousin was sleeping over with them, and i remember climbing into bed, hugging my pillow, crying against the pillow. that night, it was my innocence that died. my childhood happiness, per se. i remember swearing to myself in those final moments before darkness that id never forget that day. december 31st, 2020, ~1.15am.

the time between my two deaths was filled with barely anything other than self loathing. i remember trying to set goals for myself, reasons to live. i tried out new hobbies. i was never able to meet those goals, and all the hobbies bored me.

i met some of the best people ever during that time. i also met some of the worst. i might sound dramatic, cause im young and impressionable, but the people i met during that time genuinely shaped who i am. i dont wanna act like im an old soul or anything, cause im sure that in a few years imma look back and think, "shit, i was really immature." but i matured faster than others my age. i found myself faster, found things i liked, found love, found out i hated being in love.

and then i died again.

this was a recent death. june 22, 2023. my mental health had been deteriorating for months prior – i still have scars on my arms.

it was a slower death compared to the last one. i started dying at around 4.00pm. it went on for an hour before the pain became unbearable and i confessed to my parents. i didnt want to go to the hospital, i was scared of what theyd do. i threw up seven times before giving in at about 8.00pm. they took me to the hospital. i was told told me i was lucky to be alive, that my liver was still functional. i didnt feel lucky. i felt like death wouldve been less painful. my head was spinning

i died in that hospital bed, at ~9.40pm, with my eyes wide open, my mom sitting near me. my thoughts at the time were along the lines of this:

im quite literally a child in the eyes of the world. ive done nothing. i have a psychology exam tomorrow. i have a book im halfway done writing, and a new story thats been brewing in my head for months. but if i die now, ill never get to finish any of that. ill never succeed. ill never be able to spit in the faces of the girls who bullied me, of the teachers who doubted me. why would i do this to myself? why would i rob myself of that chance?

so i died. but not the same way as last time. this time, it was the poisonous me that died, the me that whispered in my ear that my life would amount to nothing, that everyone else had it better, that you either succeed or you dont.

and when i died the second time, something happened that didnt happen the first time.

i was reborn.

at the time of me writing this, its been less than four months since my rebirth. in those four months:

i decided to change the world somehow. not necessarily by finding the cure to cancer or anything, id be satisfied if it was just a cute lil video i made going viral. as long as theres someone out there who i changed

i finished about six chapters of my book

i began writing the story that had been brewing in my head

i started lifting weights to make myself feel better abt how i looked

i got closer to god. stopped missing prayer

i moved schools, leaving behind both bullies and friends

i started focusing on my studies

i tried to fix my relationships with my parents and my siblings

dont get me wrong. none of these are completed. im still an extreme case of nobody-ness. i havent finished writing either of my stories. i still skip out on working out a lot i still only do the bare minimum in terms of religion. im still struggling to catch up in school to make up for my three years of burnout. my relationship with my family is still kinda weird

and i still feel like im dying sometimes. its not like i changed overnight and all those suicidal thoughts and feelings of drowning just disappeared when the sunrays came up. theres still a lot of issues in my life.

but i have faith in myself. in my ability to change the things that can be changed. in creating happiness where theres room for it to be made.

and if finding happiness a losing battle?

well, ill fight like its the fucking boudican revolt.

[awesamforehead]

Tag at least six people (can be more than six if you want), and say at least one nice thing about or to each of them. Can be mutuals, can be people you follow, can be people you don’t know but just happen to exist in the same circle(s) with. All you gotta do is tag them and say something nice about/to them :)

Thank you @mahikamihan (the nicest and sweetest person here) for the tag! Ignore that its been a few days shhhh I was actually thinking of doing this on my priv but then this showed up so perfect opportunity :D Its a big one so everyone will be under a read more so Im not clogging the dash

@gogtopia Jules, you were the first person I followed when I was revamping my blog last year, the first person that came to mind on who I knew was safe post October. Although this was long ago, I really enjoyed the discussions we had about lore and such on discord that was a fun time. And now you're on the path of getting my into The Yard more too lol

@i-anonymous-crow Crow crow crow crow. You were the first (literally the first) people to follow me and it was all because I was crying over the Las Nevadas gift for ckarlnapity. And since then we've cried some more together. And now we're here, thank you for giving me a chance

@foolishfreckles Moss my beloved. Actually one of the chillest people I know and a really great clipper. Another person who has been here since pretty much the beginning (like when I had 20 followers) and one of my biggest supporters. If you arent already following Moss what are you doing. I also love the Foolish screenies you try to get every stream

@traidyy LUCKY!!!!!!! :D SWEETEST PERSON AND GREAT ARTIST THEIR ART IS SO CUTE. also a karl fan so thats 1000 more attractive points. But actually one of my favorite people here, wuv u Lucky <3 the dog to my cat

@sapybara INY!! Somehow you are the most rational but also the most chaos inducing person here and I love you for that. Whenever dash is all fucky and im beginning to spiral, your post are usually the ones who help pull me back up. Also your sapybara pfp is the cutest thing ever.

@vadergf REY REY! The would be drolo of my heart and the realest person when it comes to the green man. Your anons are hilarious and your art is so cute, no matter what you might say. Also thank you for supporting me like with the dteam hourly account i really appreciate it

@simplepotatofarmer Loyal! :D this is a thank you for always wanting and trying to make the fandom a better place. So many people give you the worst shit and yet you try to give second chances and show kindness. Thats something very rare to find nowadays. I love your aus like the rabbit and black dog au, and your chicken posts are some of my favorite things (all hail dream (chicken) )

@toxicsapolo Hi Salty! The og sapolo, the one who paved the way. Even though I have no idea what you and Adora are talking about with the F1 fandom, Ive admired how passionate you are when it comes to your interests. Sapnap, fashion, cooking, your boyfriend.

@tinynap JO!!! Your liveblogs never fail to make me laugh, even if half of them give you a tummy ache. I also want to say im proud of you trying your best at college, even at your roughest nights. You're gonna do great, kid

@dralbum NIICCCKKK!!! Ok not only is your art gorgeous and gives the softest feeling, you are also one of the funniest motherfuckers here. I enjoy our time on privtwt where we ask to eat each others food lmao

@faehrys ARIA MY ARIA!!! Not only an awesome editor, but also an awesome person. I appreciated how you tried to keep a positive space during the rough time, but also knowing when to stand your ground. And as always, karl enjoyer so extra cool points :>

@negativepeanuthoarder PEANUT!!! A true squirrel in which they stick around and make a home in your heart. You are always the loudest supporter in my writing and I really appreciate that, especially on the harder days

@knffuckraw ACE!!! Another funny person here and also representing the inner haikyuu fans (along with Iny). You have the greatest comebacks for anons and the funniest tags. love you ace <3

@dreamnotnapss First, a thank you for your services they’re greatly appreciated and you be missed by many. Second, a thank you for supporting everyone you could within our circle and even beyond. We’ll remember you fondly

@selvish HI TENDER!! we interact much more on twitter lol but youre one of my favorite people, big karl enjoyer and created some of my favorite fics like Y&OY, Rules, Favorite Place, and when we’re older 💜

@secretkoalasandwich EMMI MY BELOVED. ok tbh when we first started following each other I was so nervous cause you had a Wil pfp but now youre one of my favorite people lol. My brethren of punzblr, always ready to simp with me. Also an amazing artist with the most amazing blending skills youve ever seen youre telling me this is a painting??? anyways 10/10 spectacular amazing wow

@canonicallykayfabe EACHTRA!! Some of the most beautiful art here, both in a more cartoony style and one that holds slight realism. The color choices are fantastic as well. Along with that, you have some really thought provoking posts that I really appreciate like the banter discussion post awhile ago.

@sapnapstummy BLAZE THE KINDEST PERSON HERE 100%. legit i dont think ive ever seen you post a neg post about anything thats impressive. also i want to say i love how youll go back to either dreamtummy or sapnaptummy, so iconic and so true.

@dnapsnfsapnap PIGEON!! We’re semi newish mutuals but I’ll always welcome new sapnap fans into my life. On par with Salty, Jo, and Blaze, you fit right in with the sapolo ideology and i think thats amazing. You can always get the cutest screenies of Sapnap and I love your frog posts as well ^-^

@snfbabydrop Ive said this multiple times but thank you for your work on dreamnotnapss. The safe haven for multishippers in our corner. Aside from that, you are one of the nicest people Ive met here, never let your sunshine get blocked out

Also shoutout to my awesome mutuals who I dont talk to often but still love 💜

[sunnyie-eve]

3 | Waterfall

Series: Odds Together

Paring: Ryan Dunn x OFC Margera!

Word Count: 1.9k

Warnings: None

| MASTERLIST |

~

"I'd do the barrel in Iceland again." Ryan says as we all drink and I watch the guys play pool.

"Again? You pussied out last year in the winter." Bam laughs at him.

"I'd done it, iv wasn't too cold. But I'd do it any time." He says making me laugh at time along with the others.

"You're only saying this because your drunk, Dunn."

"Dude, I'm not even drinking." He says making me laugh more.

"At the moment but you have been."

"If we were in Iceland tomorrow... would you do the waterfall. Think about it before you say it." Bam tells him.

Ryan counts to three with his fingers, "Definitely." We all laugh at him.

"I'll buy a ticket." Bam says and I knew he seriously meant it too.

"You are going to regret all the shit talking you're doing." I pat Ryan's back as I drink my beer.

"It's so not a big deal! Let's go there!"

The next morning I wake up early and Bam comes into my room showing me a piece of paper. "I knew you'd actually get it. All because of a bar argument we're going." I shake my head at him.

"Get a bag packed, sis. I'm gonna go wake the guys up." He leaves my room so I follow him.

"I wanna see his reaction because he probably doesn't remember shit. Plus I already did because I know you."

We make our way down to the basement and wake Ryan up first. "What?" He asks confused so Bam shows him the paper.

"Iceland. We're going right now." He tells him.

"Shut up." Ryan tells him.

"I'm serious. Look." He says as Ryan sits up and he goes to wake Raab up in the closet he stays in. I go back to my room to get my bag then join everyone downstairs as we talk about how much shit talking Ryan did last night.

"Yo Waterfall, we got a plane to catch!" Rake calls out as we get into the van.

"Waterfall. That's just his name now." Raab laughs.

The whole ride we still keep laughing about Ryan. When we get to the airport and wait some I shake my head at Ryan. "What?" He asks.

"You and your mouth last night. You regretting it yet?" I ask him and he nods his head very little. "You should really watch what you say when you drink."

The plane ride wasn't that much to me because I got to seat next to Bam and he didn't talk that much. When we got to Iceland we all get in a bus to get to the rental car. The ride was terrible because all the farting was hell even when we get the rental car.

Bam wanted to stop at the Blue Lagoon so that's something we did too. "I'm not gonna want out after this because how cold it is." I say as I stay next to Raab in the water.

"Agree." He laughs before grabbing me and dunking me under water with him.

"Your such an ass." I push my hair out of my face as he brings us back up.

"Remember when you used to like this ass." He shoves me.

"You mean when we were 12 till 14?" I laugh at him. "Then yes, I do remember when I liked your ass when we were kids." I go away from him and the guys to relax some.

The ride I hated with how everyone had to mess with everyone. As I was taking a nap in the back I kept feeling hot breathes blowing on me. "That's disgusting." I cover my face as Raab and Dico laugh at me.

We come to a stream across the road but we don't know how deep it was so Rake gets out to see by throwing a rock. "What's the worst that can happen?" Bam gets back in.

"We can get stuck." We all tell him.

"What do you think the chances are?" He asks so they tell him 50/50.

Raab tells him he thinks the left is more shallow making Ryan and I say right because we can see the rocks better but Bam just goes right through the middle.

As we keep going we run into many more rivers we had to drive through to get where we were going. The water starts to fuck up the engine as we try going up a hill. "We're gonna have to get out and push it. It's our only option." I tell the guys and they groan and we all pile out.

Finally making it through rivers and basically a lake we started looking for a barrel, which took forever. We finally found where to get one but Bam stole it for a chemical plant. "It's really hitting you now, huh?" I notice Ryan's face spaced out behind me as I look back at him.

"Yeah, everything thing is really coming together now." He sighs making me climb over the seat to sit next to him.

"Is he still asleep?" Bam asks about Ryan.

I look down at my lap since that's where he was resting his head, "Yeah. Ry..." I mess with his hair waking him up.

"It's barrel time. I found it." Bam tapes him so he gets up.

"Now we just have a 4 mile hike." I groan seeing the map.

When we make it to the waterfall I didn't want Ryan to do it. It wasn't the safest thing and I didn't think he would go through with it. I wanted him to chicken out again. "You have got to stop saying shit when you drink. This is so stupid, Dunn." I tell him worried as he stares at the waterfall. "What if you get seriously hurt doing this shit? It's not worth it. Let them just call you a pussy." I grab his and as it was just the two of us.

"I can go through this." He says not very confident.

"Ry... you're super claustrophobic. You in that barrel... equals no extra space whatsoever."

"Thank you for caring but I'm not doing this again." He walks over to them.

"Just hop in." Bam tells him so he mocks him before getting in. The second he was all the way in he gets back out.

"Fuck this." He lists everything he didn't like. "I don't give a shit you bought a ticket to god damn Iceland. I was fucking drunk." He gets out all the way walking away.

"Go talk him into it. He listens to you at times." Bam shoves me away but I was gonna go over to him anyways.

"You know I won't give you shit." I sit next to him.

"Because you're nice and understand." He huffs as Bam comes over to talk to him about going so Ryan points out all things that could make things go wrong.

When Bam leaves us Ryan just sits in silence hyperventilating some making me rub his back. "Fuck it." He gets up after minutes saying he'll do it.

"Are you sure?" I get up too.

"Let's just get it over with." He shakes his arms.

"Hey, I'll be at the bottom to help get you out quickly." I grab his arm he gives me smile so I head down to water. I pull hoodie and shirt off not wanting get my clothes wet when I jump in so I have something dry to put on on.

"Anna, just wait to get in." Raab tells me as I pull down my pants too. "It's too cold to wait-,"

I jump in the water freezing my ass off. "Fuck." I come up with my teeth chattering.

As soon as Ryan hits the water I swam over to the barrel first. "I got you." I say using all my strength to pull him then Raab and Bam jump in helping me get Ryan out of the water. "You're taking too long." I complain as they try getting the lid off so I do it get it off right way.

As Ryan quickly gets out panicking and the guys keep asking him if he was alright. He rushes out of the water going to lay on the rocks breathing heavy quickly. "Just give him a second." I try to keep get them to give him some space. "In and out slowly." I squat down next to him carefully placing my hand on his back. As he slows his breathing down I move my hand to his and he grabs it.

"You almost ready to get up?" I ask him and he slowly gets up with Bam coming over to help. Bam gives him a hug asking if he was alright so he nods his head. "Told you, I'd be at the bottom." I wrap my arms around him and he does the same to me.

"Anna, put your clothes back on before you start turns blue and purple." Rake says grabbing my clothes off the ground making Ryan steps back some to look at me in my bra and panties.

"I didn't want to get my clothes wet because I'd freeze faster in wet clothes out of the water." I explain shivering.

"Your lips are purple now." Ryan holds me in his arms trying to keep me warm as Rake brings me my clothes.

"Thank you." I move from Ryan putting my clothes back on to warm up.

"I can't believe you." Raab shakes his head at me.

"What jumping in basically naked? You need to put something on because you're turning red." I tell him so he goes to get his shirt.

We spent the night under the sky in the fucking wind to celebrate Ryan going through with it. Even in a long sleeves with a thick hoodie and wrapped in a blanket I was still cold. "I appreciate what you did earlier." Ryan wraps his blanketed arms around me.

"What part?" I turn around to face him for more warmth wrapping my blanket arms around him to get some of his body heat.

"All of it. Being first to me, quick to get the lid off, and helping me calm down." He rests his chin on top of my head.

"Well I was worried about you. You're kinda like my best friend too." I look up at him as he moves his chin.

"Last time you called me that was before you moved away. I'm glad you're calling me that again." He squeezes me.

"Here." Bam comes over to us putting his beanie on my head. "You're the smallest out of all of us." He chuckles.

"You're actually acting like a brother." I laugh moving from Ryan giving Bam a hug.

[blonkk]

feeling healthy. classic friday night crying unexpectedly because it just occurred to me that im almost 30 and ive spent the last 3 days alone with no one to talk to. im just in bed watching the simpsons wishing i had someone with me just to fucking watch the simpsons or stupid youtube comps. i’ve been seething because my roommate left days ago without telling me and he hasn’t cleaned a thing since i moved in so i’ve spent the past 2 days scrubbing the place clean which makes me resentful. he also left his aging dog here and she drives me insane and i didn’t sign up to be a dog owner but here we are. should i let her starve and shit in the house or do i just do the right thing and make sure shes fed. let her out when she screams at the door at all hours of the day night and morning. its been raining but stopped today so i left the house and spent 50$ on nothing and i still dont have a job and i just have to come up with new ways to spend my time with nothing to do no money no one to talk do on this shithole hill

like when you’re young and optimistic and idealistic you never think that sad loser is gonna be you. like no way i’m gonna be a sad friendless lonely freak of nature. no way im gonna be broke and jobless near 30.

and it just creeps up and like i’d do anything to get out of this but i just fail and fail and fail and i can’t find a way out. everything is just closing in on me rn. and if i go home to my parents i wont need to worry as much about money for the time being but what kind of back peddling is that….i spent my entire 20s working up the courage to move out completely and again im failing. i can’t go home anyways because believe it or not my situation is every worse there

and my parents are so scared for me…like they won’t say it but they’re ashamed and disappointed and they pity me which is honestly worse than anything else….i don’t want them to help me out of pity it feels like no one believes in me at all

which makes sense lol i don’t believe in myself either….i don’t excel at anything…..i can’t even get an entry level job in my field where i have experience…i can’t monetize anything else i do because im just not a very skilled person and its not self pity, or maybe it is, but like no one cares about art or whatever it is i like to do.

like i’ve felt like i’ve been fading away for a few years now as friends and family moved onto bigger and better and it’s just getting worse as time goes on…i don’t know what i want i’ve never known and it doesn’t even matter because i’ve never gotten anything i’ve wanted anyways. i just want to not be lonely. it’s so simple

i just want to disconnect from everyone and everything because i’m so beaten down by rejection and failure and isolation and despite good things these bad things compound and im so exhausted i don’t even care about what happens to me anymore

it’s so weird being this person you know people pity…that the worst part

i’m tying….i go outside…i exercise…i engage with my hobbies….i haven’t shut out my friends….i keep applying for work even though i feel this feeling of dread and know it wont go anywhere …i haven’t given up yet but im not really under any illusions that things will “get better” anymore

anyways i’m sorry for the boo hoo wah woe is me wahhhh moment im just so sick and tired of this relentless shit

[rrxnjun]

(im really stupid but i hope u like this fanletter 😭)

hello <3 this is for my favourite writer on tumblr; to the the same writer who does not realise how much their works could mean to someone, the lovely @rrxnjun 🎀 !!!

so, i found your blog at the beginning ot this month– november, 2023, and now that the month's about to end, i have nearly finished reading all your nct works.

to me, this month is the most special one of this year. why? because i found your blog, your stories– some pieces of your mind. i found you through one of those nct fanfic recs, 'take the stairs - njm' being the first work i read from you. it was sweet, it made me happy. and then i read the other two parts of the 'simplify romance' series, which will always hold a special place in my heart.

this year has been the worst for me, with no one for me to lean on to, weird identify crisis shit, and losing myself in this tiring process of growing up. but you know what? you saved 2023 for me. when no one's words could speak to me, yours did. you make me feel a little less lonely.

im a silly teenager, who never read sad/mainly angsty stories before i found you because i was scared, i was confident i'd cry. and i did. i gathered the courage to read angst only because you'd written it, and it was so worth it. ive stayed up so many nights this month just to read your works in peace and privacy, hidden from my family, and then spend the days thinking about how you literally create art, and telling my bestfriends about it. you are blessed. you are phenomenal. no amount of thank yous or i love yous could be enough for me to express my gratitude. you've made me feel so at peace with my thoughts sometimes and you've made me feel like i'm not alone. you have magic in your hands. i owe you so much, i wish i could gift you something, but sadly im still a minor and theres a few years until i finish uni and then get a job, and then i promise i'll get you something, because i am so lucky to be able to read your stories for free. you deserve so much more than followers, likes and reblogs. each one of your fics have made me tear up and all of them are too special for me.

this month ive read all of your nct dream '00 line fics, and my favourite was 'happier than ever' which i finished a week ago— AND I SWEAR THAT FIC DESTROYED ME 😭😭😭 it had me bawling my eyes out for two hours on a school night i love it so so fucking much, i literally think about it daily and i told all my friends about it and im so in love with it, please tell me, for my inner peace that renjun and the reader ended up getting together and being fine because im gonna cry over it for the rest of my life IDC IF THEY DIDNT END UP TOGETHER please lie to me and tell me they did 💔💔💔💔💔😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

i want you to know, and to remember this whenever you feel even a little like giving up— you have magic, bar, don't ever let go of that magic.

your stories make me want to heal and to help everyone heal. to be loved and to love everyone. to be cared for and care for everyone. your magic helps me survive my days with a little smile. thank you so much for everything you've done for me, without realising you're helping me live.

every single word i wrote here– i swear on everything i have, i genuinely mean it. you are the best thing that happened this year :) i hope that one day someone will love you as much as i love your blog.

(me when i talk about your work)

P.S. permission to take a screenshot of your blog and paste it to my scrapbook by which i can remember my teenage years that your stories mended, please?

thank you for reading, ily ❤️

- your biggest fan (hopefully no one's more dedicated!!) 💘

when i saw this in my inbox i got so emotional i couldnt reply immidiately because i genuinely wanted to sob. this is so so sweet and it mustve taken a long time to type out and i appreciate you a WHOLE lot, not only for this, but also for supporting me sm over the last month. :,)

take the stairs is a very sweet and fun fic and i am glad you found my blog through this one, haha. the simplify romance series holds my favorite fics and i PROMISE to finish jeno's entry at the beginning of the next year!! it HAS to be done. it means a lot to me that you took the time of your day to read my works and that you enjoyed them so much to let me know.

i am happy to hear that my work could help you through some hard times. as a reader on this platform as well, i do know that feeling very well and i could never imagine being that person to someone, but i am glad my words could be there for you when no one else could. hearing this makes all the effort feel worth it, and it's something i'll think of whenever im having a hard time with my work again. i also hope life is nicer to you in the future, and if you ever need someone, my inbox is always open.

having my fics be called art is something i never imagined could happen. it's beyond what i think about my work, but i am honored to hear this compliment, truly. despite being a writer i cant find the words to express my gratitude towards you and your supportive words right now >:( it does mean the whole entire world to me. please do NOT worry about "paying me back" or something, i do this because it's what i love doing and sharing my work with others makes me happy, so an ask like this is more than enough for me. you made me feel really appreciated and i will remember and treasure your kind words forever.

happier than ever is definitely a heavier read, since it's partly from personal experience, hh. i tend to project on renjun a lot so take this as a warning for my other renjun fics LMAO. TT this fic has a special place in my heart and hearing you talk so highly about it makes me all warm on the inside hhhhh my love langugage is words of affirmation stop this or ill cry. i enjoy leaving my fics open-ended to interpretation of the reader, so whatever you feels fits their story is how the story ends for you. <3

i will definitely use this ask as a reminder to not give up when i feel like doing so. it really brought me a lot of strength :) thank you for calling my writing magic. i never imagined someone describing it that way, but it does feel good to hear haha

knowing that my work helped somebody and made them heal and feel all sorts of emotions inside makes me feel at peace. thank you so much. SO much.

also u really make me want to bawl with that scrapbook comment. cant believe im an important part of someone's teenage years :((

once again, words cant express how much this means to me. thank you and i hope my fics continue to be a source of good things for you :) i will think of this often. ily

[lesbianpegbar]

IS LINK CLICK GOOD AGAIN WAS RHE FINAL GOOD

okay god so. this is complicated. i'm keeping this spoiler free lol, but i wrote an essay so if you dont wanna read that tldr this season wasn't good and this episode retains those overall issues but left me with enough intrique that im still invested if incredibly cautious and heavily jaded

i have suchhhh mixed feelings on this final episode and on season 2 as a whole. having slept on it and letting the euphoria wear off a bit, the episode as a whole was like. fine. it was emblematic of a lot of the issues ive had with the whole season so far. i think the pacing wasnt great, i think we spent way too long on flashbacks, and oh my god the fight scenes were far far too long (looking at one in particular like i did not care about those characters or their relationship). but the ending of the episode, at least in the moment, made me forget all about that and all about the problems with the whole season. it focused back on the main trio, and we saw interactions between them that made me remember why i love these characters and why i loved season 1. and there was a reveal at the end that, when watching, made me quite frankly go absolutely ape shit insane and feel like i was dying so. lol

but again, sleeping on it, while the end of the episode was a reminder of what i loved, it feels a bit hollow when placed in the context of the rest of the season. i think of how crazy the reveal was last night for me, but then i wonder how much more intense and meaningful it wouldve been had we actually spent the last 12 episodes exploring these characters instead of speedrunning a plot that nobody really cared about. in that way, it almost feels a bit insulting? that's kind of harsh, but idk how else to put it lol. like they had this great idea and strung us along with the bare minimum while making some of the worst writing decisions ive ever seen, and then finally at the end are like "hey! remember this thing! remember! arent we smart and clever and good writers!" and its just. sigh.

i think about what we couldve had had we spent this season with lu guang and cheng xiaoshi. if we had been shown them interacting more than maybe two times this season. if we had spent less time on fight scenes and cops and murder drama and actually spent time on the characters that i watched season 1 for. this season feels like something that shouldve been a film or half a season, if it even really needed to exist at all. it feels like they were twiddling their thumbs for twelve episodes because they just wanted to set up li tianchen and the big reveal at the end. and in that way its a huge disappointment, and a bit of an insult. they made me watch twelve episodes of something that feels like they barely thought about just so they could move on to their greater plot in the last five minutes of the season. this whole season feels like it was a stepping stone, a minor or transitory plot point in a greater story, which is a little iffy considering we all waited for two years just for something that felt like it barely mattered.

all in all, this season in general has just left a bad taste in my mouth. the conflict arises bc what they do get right makes me want to keep watching. i care about lu guang and cheng xiaoshi and qiao ling, like a lot. and with the reveal they did last night i want to see what's happening and there's a part of me that feels vindicated for being right about certain plot elements. am i falling for a shitty carrot on a stick? yeah, kinda, and that feels a little gross. i'll watch season 3 when it comes out and we'll see from there. i want to believe they'll turn it around and maybe now that they've gotten all this plot bullshit out of the way they'll refocus on cheng xiaoshi and lu guang, and maybe then we can all look back on this season and laugh and say "oh yeah that season sucks lol but the rest of it is so good so we just ignore it." at this point that's kind of best case scenario. which isn't a glowing review but play stupid games win stupid prizes i guess

[winderlylandchime]

Hello!! I love how we are all hoping that Jordan brings back the podcast, i need those two besties back so badly. I feel like they have so much stuff they could talk about especially now with the strikes, it’d be fun to hear their take on it. I am honestly not ready for him to find out how the filming and the aftermath of the show was on Gale and Randy. I know he’s gonna lose his shit to find out how some people were towards them (especially since his idea of Gale in his head is obviously different and in his mind Gale and Randy are bffs like how he is with his friends.) but also i think he will be shocked to find out they both kind of stepped back from the show and had certain issues with it. He did storm in my room randomly today and went ‘IS THAT WHY THERE WAS LESS SEX STUFF?!’ Which btw it was 10 am when he did that, I barely knew i was awake. Basically he was up almost all night thinking about the finale and the podcast (he is once again that conspiracy meme) and he realized in later seasons there’s less sex scenes and now he is distraught that maybe it’s because Randy was uncomfortable. He was having an entire crisis over it. While I don’t know what all i will show him/what he’ll see on his own (i wanna show him bts content and like obviously anything else i can find) but i will be keeping con videos/posts FAR away from him because some of those are the worst things ive ever seen in my life, no offense to anyone. I will say, If you or anyone has any ideas what else I should show him, let me know because he has been losing his mind begging me to let him listen to more of the podcast.

As for our mom, i swear that woman is actually pretty chaotic herself but unlike my brother she hides it better. Both of our parents are insane but for some reason only he doesn’t even make an effort to hide it. She did get a long email sent to her by my brother because she was ignoring his calls and he wanted to talk about s4 finale. It was titled ‘IMPORTANT! NOTHING TO DO WITH THE SHOW’ and then it was almost a short novel about the show.. He wanted to hear her thoughts since he is still undecided about Justin not saying yes to moving in. And he wrote a little bit about the podcast and he also asked her if she thinks Randy would like him if they met (clearly he is feeling a certain way about this) which caused a different crisis, a much bigger one: would Gale like him if they met. That crisis lasted almost 2 hours btw. Anyway as a reply to the email she just forwarded it to our dad who forwarded it back to me to tell me to ‘change the wifi password.’ And then I immediately got a call from my mom about the podcast asking me if it’s about the show and how he already has enough weird hobbies and why can’t I get him into something normal like a pottery group or painting group or something with normal people around. And then I heard in the background our uncle who went ‘after all the stories about him talking to DOCTORS, you want to unleash him on a person who is not medically trained?’ So he is now being encouraged to stay home and watch tv. Also: he is currently talking to his best friend about the finale, while writing down mind maps and lists of what he thinks season 5 will be. He’s having a bit of issues with it because the LA offer apparently fucked quite a lot of things up for him so his original list no longer makes sense. He is also talking to him at the same time (he’s jumping from topic to topic) about Gale and how shocked he was that Randy didn’t enjoy the qaf fame. I don’t know how this became my life. More importantly I would just like to say: i cannot wait for your new fic! I mean your last fic got us here so I can’t wait to see what happens next. But also bearded Brian>>

The podcast talking about the strikes would be amazing! I was hoping we would get a Barbie movie episode but alas. I really want to hear the besties talk about Greta Gerwig.

I have never seen the con clips and I’m grateful. I have too much secondhand embarrassment to sit through that boundary-crossing behavior and invasive questions.

I LOVE that your parents were like “change the wifi password” and uncle was like “unleash him into the world?” and they responded “jk never mind.”

I personally think Gale and Randy are still friends but we would never know with the one proof of life per year Gale gives us and Randy being tightlipped about his time on the show.

Wait until your brother realizes that one of Randy’s partner’s is named Justin (or is that the kid? either way there’s a Justin!)

I am dreading his reaction to S5 but we all watched it so he must as well…

And, yes, bearded Brian >>>

BUT I saw your request at the top - folks let’s start to pull together a post-S5 education for all necessary BTS for Brother Anon to fully understand QAF! In box me or comment on this post.

[kimmkitsuragi]

ok this goes under readmore

i be thinking damn i know transition periods are super stressful n scary, and i had a very fucking bad final semester in all ways, and im superfucking stressed about the [redacted], and i am supersuperfucking stressed about the [the future career things in general which i do nothing abt rn bc *gestures at the beginning of the post* and then i become even more mega stressed] like i get that MAYBE having a break IS kinda necessary lol but then also i feel like im running out of time and i get scared that i will be stuck in a loop of not doing anything ever and ever again and all that. and i feel like it's trueeeee i gotta do SOMETHINg at one point but im fucking exploding so icannot do anything in general

and anyway what i be thinking is this: i know all THAT ^. but also like i said I gotta get past all that and Move... BUT.... then i think i literally have been showing so very bad physical symptoms of anxiety due to all THAT ^. like. very bad i think I've been having panic attacks but im not sure and i dont wanna assume????? but i had that feeling for the first time in may when all that shit was happening like i thought i WAS gonna have a heart attack or something genuinely. and it's been fine in general after mid-june but then....... this last 1-2 weeks all of THAT^^ have been becoming too much in general for me i guess. and now i get that feeling very very often like i had it 2 times (???) today and last night i couldnt sleep lol.

and ANYWAY then i think to myself please get your shit together whatever the fuck has been happening to you have been happening but like. let's move on okay. you're being pathetic and loserlike and you just have to move on like what u gonna do be jobless for the rest of time and do nothing in general like? what IS your plan babygirl perhaps we should move on and i DO think im right about this

BUT...... then literally everyone i see in the last week has been getting worried abt me like. it just makes me realize more and more that this is not just another stressful week i have to move through bravely maybe. idk what im supposed to do but it's BAD i know that i realize that. i know ive been staring at the Nothingness a lot more and i know i havent been sleeping that much and it's not for working reasons anymore so i have no reason literally (and it's not for fun purposes either like watching movies or reading or playing or whatever) and i know I have shortness of breath and a Lot of shakes and a lot of trouble with trying not to vomit and just existing in general or doing anything. and it shows in things like hand eye coordination too i have been breaking things constantly and when it's useless stuff it's whatever but like i just straight up dropped a fucking LAPTOP to the ground and it wasnt even mine i feel literally so bad abt all this i feel like all these stuff must also be worrying and or annoying for other ppl (thankfully the laptop is generally fine but the usb of the wireless mouse was totally screwed thanks to me :/) oh and I've been crying a lot but it's nothing new i guess

anyway i wrote all that to say Something has been up with me certainly but like. i am still feeling paralyzed in general so not doing anything about anything but i SHOULD. i should move on from whatever the fuck is this weird mind phase i just need to get myshit together and be NORMAL and like do the things i must do without crying and screaming and throwing up and then having a panic attack on top of that lmao

(and the worst part is all of this is literallyjust normal life stuff in general like ijust cant cope with normal stuff i guess then what the fuck am I supposed to do then)

[calypsoff3]

Thirty Nine.

Side eyeing the nurse as she put my covers back on me “why?” I asked her “oh why the injection?” she asked, nodding my head “well we put that injection in you to prevent blood clotting, I know it’s only day two but you’re not walking around, I mean of course the antibiotics are working and tomorrow we hopefully will set out a plan to give you tablets instead of IV line which then you can go home” she explained “ok” I hate this shit, she just walked off. I really hate it, I sent Robyn home because she is tired, she hasn’t slept and she needs her rest, I can’t hold her hostage here, the kids need her, and I don’t want to see them really either. I hate everything, and myself included. The nurse walked off and I just sighed out, this is the most bored I have been. I don’t want visitors either, even though my mom came, I just don’t want to see anyone. Placing my oxygen mask back on, I feel better within myself, I can breathe better I know that for sure. It is working but it was a little scary with the breathing but whatever, Robyn just keeps on telling me how stupid I am, I mean I get it but she needs to give me a break. I didn’t think I would end up in hospital, that is the least I wanted, I guess I will spend the night looking at the wall, turning my head to the side. I was mean to Robyn; I think she is upset with me. I just didn’t want her here, I made that mistake let me lie in my own shit, I did it “uncle” I frowned looking to the door, staring at this guy well, kid. He closed the door “it’s Cameron” my eyes widened, nearly falling out of bed “I heard from the news outlets that you were here, I came because I don’t think I will really get a chance to see you” moving my oxygen mask from my face “you shouldn’t be here” I said “I know, I asked, and I know nobody is here too” I swallowed hard “just hear me out, I am not here for anything I just want to speak to you” he said “you don’t need to speak just listen please, Rylee said to stop messaging her and that Rihanna said that she don’t like me to do that so I get it, but please hear me out” nodding my head.

I can’t believe how much he has grown; I think he is seventeen now. I don’t know what he wants, I am shocked he even came “I just want to say I really want to thank you for putting me in the mindset of what I want, for showing me so much that my dad couldn’t. I get it’s all awkward, but you made me who I am today. Even though we stopped seeing each other, speaking and everything. I watched your interviews and everything and what you did for me when I was a kid lasted with me uncle, it did and now I am being sought out by the NBA, something I know you was supposed to do, I just want to thank you for that because parents like mine I would be, I don’t know doing some dumb shit. You showed me love, fun and hard work and you put me on. At one point I did think you was my dad” he laughed “but I had to have him but whatever, I just want to thank you” I swallowed hard “I really wish things were different for me with you, and I get it” I really didn’t expect him here “you made the biggest impact in my life more then my own did because I want to be just like you” he pointed at me “I really didn’t come here with a plan, I just didn’t want to miss the opportunity to see you while I am here. Before I go back to VA, Essex high hold you high and the people there love you. I just wanted to apologise if I did anything even if I was a kid, I know it could be annoying” how can I be angry at that “you didn’t do anything Cameron, it wasn’t you but I had to cut that connection off, I did try and keep it open but I couldn’t” he put his head down “it was hard, I had everything and then I had nothing, and I didn’t know where I was living and the worst thing that happened to me was being away from my mom, we was homeless” that is sad “how is your mom?” I asked “better, she is married now, the guy is nice. Good dude, my real dad is in jail, so yeah” he laughed “but I really wanted to see you, I am out here with my grandma, I always see your mom around, but I don’t say a thing” I don’t know how to feel.

The silence between us both, I treated him like a son to me, he was a son to me. Rylee came along and I adored her, but I wanted a boy, and this was the boy I wanted, and he became that “it wasn’t all me, you know” I said “it was, you tell me if my dad would have done what you did, the time you spent. Basketball practice when I barely even started to walk, you sent me to private school, nobody does that for anyone. I was about eight and I remember it all and I always said to myself that I would see you again, and I did. I went to your concert in Richmond, and I didn’t have in me to even come to you, you walked by me actually but like, you have your own life and kids, but I really saw you as my dad” his voice broke “you know I only wanted to be with my dad because of you, my mom fought for me for years, it was just wack you know. Everything was taken from me, and it happened overnight, but I prayed I would see you again and I have, you know. I just want to thank you because I am who I am now, because of you” wiping my nose with my hand “I know I may have got Rylee in trouble that is why I stopped but yeah, sorry that you’re here too” he pointed “oh I am just unwell, I am good though” I said “it’s late, you shouldn’t be out at night. You still a kid looking to be a man, you need to not feel like that. Your mom has got a man to take care of her, take care of you. You got a chance, the NBA looking at you, you got that chance” he wiped his tears “make it for you, the worst thing you can do is do it for anyone but you, you’re going to lose yourself. Don’t be a man, the protector. You don’t need to do that” he looked at me “I wasn’t there for her, you know. The guy, he is good, but I never was there for her, my dad lied on her badly. She is good now, but I need to get them out of the hood” nodding my head “don’t let history repeat, remain humble, and hungry for this don’t let anyone in that place ruin that for you” he placed his hands over his face and cried out, I didn’t want him to cry.

“You know I erm, I had to let you go because your dad was too much. And I honestly really saw you as my own, that was it. It was hard to let you go but I had too, it was too toxic, but I am happy you are here, you are ok and that you are prospering to the NBA” he smiled “that is dope, really is. I am proud of you” he is so emotional “you don’t need to cry, I get it. It’s fine” he looked up, raising his head up high “I never knew what I would say to you and how I would say it to you whenever I saw you. I thought you would tell me to go or leave, I messages Rylee and I apologise if that caused shit. But I really wanted you to be my dad” I clenched my jaw “look, it’s late. I want you to go back to your hotel, or wherever and just be safe. It’s late, when I am better I would ask Rylee for your number” I said “I am sorry if I did anything too, I know my dad. god, I just hated him. I didn’t hate him then because I had you, I had my friends, I just have so much to talk to you about. I ave analysed every interview and I just, I am not crazy but that was us, I just really want to know you will hear me out when you are better? I will be out of LA though, so I don’t know” he said “I will sort something out, just get my phone. I will get you a cab home” he shook his head “no, I got it. I can do that. Thank you, for hearing me out” nodding my head “just be safe and don’t do anything for anyone but yourself or you will end up how I did and losing years of your life” he nodded his head “I won’t, thank you” he said again before rushing out.

I didn’t expect Cameron to come, I didn’t expect him to cry the way he did, it actually hit my heart that did. The fact he felt that love from me, he was so unwanted by them two and he knows it but for him to come here and say what he said, I am shocked. I’ve woken up in shock, I’m just feeling a little off. I want to leave this place; I am desperate to leave this place. The thought of being here any longer but here we are, just watching the nurses fix me up. I am so funny about them taking me to the bathroom, I don’t need it but like they keep asking. And they asked if I want to be bathed; I declined. I think I just need to go “we are going to give you a scan today, see where you are at and if we can let you go” smiling at her, the door opened. I turned to the door and seeing Robyn, she came after I told her to fuck off, I just said it and I was t thinking “I will leave you both to it then” the nurse smiled and walked off, she has bought Raihan with her but with a pacifier in his mouth “he’s four right?” I asked Robyn “he is” she put him down, but he had other plans, he wanted to dive right up Robyn’ coochie, he is fussing to be picked up again “then” the door closed finally “then why the hell does he have a pacifier? Are you stupid?” I asked “I didn’t need to come but I did, don’t talk to me like that. Please” she said, she sat down “take it out, I don’t like it. He’s four, he’s grown. That ain’t it, you spoilt Junior and now him, so that leaves his mouth. I don’t want it, he’s clinging to the person that spoils him, do you breastfeed him still?” Robyn rolled her eyes “no I do not” you never know “right, he needs to get off your nipple. Yeah, this shit isn’t it” Robyn sighed out “you swore at me yesterday, call me stupid today. I’m trying to be here for you Chris, please stop it” shaking my head “ok” I’ll just not speak then “what is annoying you? Me? Because I’ll go then” she asked, she asks such a simple question, but everything is annoying me “life” I said “I’m going, I’m over this. I’m ok now” I shuffled up on the bed “eh! You leave that bed we will have issues!” Robyn barked, staring at her “don’t poke me, I will take whatever, but you don’t leave that bed!” Oh she meant that “fine but I want Raihan to act his age, it’s stupid. And stop picking him up” Robyn just rolled her eyes, she doesn’t want to hear me, but she will.

Robyn is quiet with me, and I don’t blame her because I have been mean to her “I am sorry” I apologised “this place is annoying and I don’t want you to be here and see me in this state and I also know I did dumb shit, and I made you upset, just a lot. Then I have to be here in my own thoughts, Maxwell will think something bad happened to me” Robyn looked at me “well I get why, I do understand but I just don’t like being spoken too like that but thank you for apologising. If you want to speak to Maxwell I can get your phone for you, but I am here for you also” which she is right, she is here for me “I appreciate you” I mumbled “I appreciate you too, but I really want you to speak to me, I am here for you” watching Raihan walking around the room “aye!” I spat and he jumped, he ran straight back to his mother “he is being a weird child, he was ok with me and now he isn’t. Well anyways Cameron came to see me, randomly” Robyn didn’t flinch, she didn’t even react like she didn’t know “I know anyone that comes here, the hospital told me. What happened?” how sneaky of her ”ok Rich, look at you being a bodyguard” Robyn sniggered “I care ok, I was really upset when you made me go, well when you said fuck off, or fuck you. Whatever you said it did upset me, I don’t appreciate it either Chris. You don’t get to be mad with me when I am mad with you for what you did, ok? So you will stay here until the doctor says so” putting my head down “I am sorry Robyn” I do feel bad “but anyways, what did Cameron say?” she asked “he got me choked up, like he really told me that he saw me as his dad. That he was upset, his life changed for the worse. My heart warmed up; I don’t know Robyn. We need to see him again to get a full judge of him” I need to be wary of him still “wow, really?” I nodded my head, I need to see him again.

[lostacelonnie]

Now uh. I must apologize it's been about a hell of a month a lot happened at once & I was havin a not so great time. Oh shit really? How was Croatia whats it like there? I hope school is goin well for you. It sounds like you had a lot of fun with it & that's what matters I'm glad you enjoyed yourself with the festival. Oh! Its doin a lot better I need to make an appointment for detail finishing I almost forgot. It's like. A forest at night lit up with a rainbow aurora. Best way I got to describe it. Me yelling at the weather when it rained 2 days ago & is warmer again today. Hot & cloudy sucks that feels like betrayal. I need to call the doctor again & see if they have openings yet that reminds me. Need to get on meds myself. May you one day get seele & sparkle. I too am saving as much as possible for firefly & I hope I can grab ruan mei too. Which happy firefly release day! Im sad it's the last penacony patch from what ive heard. Right!? Hearing she is mei was so cool penacony story is 10/10. Wait did you get through domincus round 2? Ahh I didn't get robin but I got topaz on a lucky pull. So re run time for robin. Boothill is fun but maybe later. I hope they add more ice units that department feels lacking. Did you get pela & bailu done? I still haven't. I'm gonna get clara for my 300. Thanks I did manage to get arlecchino & clorinde too really quick. Gold & gears is great & now new su mode via screwllum too. Also! New march 7th form soon. So that's cool. Clockie event kept up the good stuff & legend of the galactic baseballer too. Somnium files is a mystery detective game that was. Kinda fun. Weird as hell mystery with a lot goin on. Sorry again my life turned to madness hopefully I'll keep up a bit better now

HI HI HI!!! apologies for taking so goddamn long to respond, my already nonexistent sense of time is even WORSE during the vacations. damn i hope its better on ur side now!! i luckily have been Pretty Okay, with the school year ending and all. CROATIA WAS VERY FUN!! it was actually an academic trip for my mother so we did Marginally less exploring as usual but still! my moms colleague took us to a bunch of cool places. no sea trips tho since we were in zagreb which is quite a bit away from the coastline. but ohhh the mountains and the FOOD!! the food was SO good. theres this little [but very popular] place in zagreb called heritage with the best fucking food ive eaten in my LIFE. genuinely. school finally freed me from its grasp the last 2 weeks [altho i Did have to write some random short tests to get my red stripe] [oh wait you dont know what a red stripe is. basically the grading system in poland is from 1-6, with 1 being the worst. if your average grade at the end of the year is 4.75 or more, you get a little stripe of the polish flag on ur diploma, but we just call it the red stripe. im on a 100% streak since i even entered the education system!] so other than all that i just kind of fucked around with the entire 2 other people who even came to school. that is not an exaggeration like there were genuine 2 other people there. but i digress! the festival WAS a lot of fun. unfortunately the people from younger grades pretty often dont want to participate [i mean, i dont blame them, they just got here] so were pretty much Always short on manpower to the point we might not be able to organize one next year but thats just speculation that i hope doesnt come true ahsjfgh. OH AND THAT SOUNDS SO COOOOOOL......... and YEAH god its been a while since we started this topic and the weather STILL doesnt want to make up its mind. literally had one day ~27-30 celsius and the next around 15. annoying. and hey good luck with getting on your meds!! i got my stash covered for the next 2 months so im Chilling. god how good it is to be medicated. i feel like a deflated balloon when im not. and to think i lived most of my life like that...... AND YAYY THANK YOU!!! ALSO HOW DID YOUR PULLS GO?? i managed to get firefly and ruan meis lightcone hehehehe [50/50 won both times!]..... i was torn between rm's and firefly's but i decided i use rm in more teams AND shes like. My favorite character. so she got lightcone privileges this time. god im gonna miss penacony...... i mean were probably gonna come back here on some trailblaze continuance or whatever just like what happened with belobog and now the xianzhou but still. i Will miss it. such a well written arc. also actually im curious, whats ur fav sub-area of penacony? im a dreams edge girlie but i wonder if thats a common sentiment. the VIBE there is immaculate. AND GOD YEAHHH THAT REVEAL WAS SOOOOO GOOD. especially since it had so so many honkai references so it was basically tailored for me to like it hehehe. i DID eventually get through yeah! with slight pain but i Did. very fun bossfight although it was slightly annoying that we couldnt use our own team both times since it wouldve been much easier. CONGRATS ON THE TOPAZ!! and good luck getting robin in the future!!! i Have finally built pela and bailu (well, bailu is Still missing one good artifact but yknow she does her job even with what she has). now onto firefly and harmony tb.... god my relic AND planar ornament luck is terrible for both of them. pain and suffering but at least automated grinding is, as always, saving my sanity. ALSO WELT SINCE I FINALLY HIT 300 AND GOT HIM. IM FREE. JESUS. and WOO CONGRATS ON THE GENSHIN GIRLIES!!! i actually managed to get my laptop to cooperate with me so im also back to genshin. not playing too often since i also got into friday night funkin and its very fun But i will try to save for arle's rerun. about time i got a good elemental dps. THE NEW SU MODE IS SO FUNNNN I LOVE IT A LOT. and yeah new march looks very very cool!!! probs not gonna get her immediately but she will be mine Eventually.

wow i hit character-per-block limit. Coming Back. i Still havent played the clockie event since i heard it fixes acherons slash and i wanna keep it around a while longer..... but legend of the galactic baseballer Was fun i agree. and ooh that sounds cool!! also dont worry about it AT ALL like genuinely nbd. i personally might reply to your Next message slightly later than i already do (sorry...) bc im going on a summer camp for two weeks this sunday... pretty excited And the grass-touching is something i deeply need...