#i hate change but i love change yknow

[ellies-enrichment]

tagged by @erensbich and @reclusivesapphire

thank yall for the tags 💚

last song: Dear John - Taylor Swift (tv)

currently watching: Critical Role Campaign 3 (episode 30 currently). all my shows are on hiatus and I’ve not started another yet (but i wanna watch arcane and yellowjackets)

currently reading: not reading anything atm but the last book i read was “everyone in this room will someday be dead” and it was oddly healing and i finished it in like 3 days and i still think about it 7 months later

current obsession: making content. im in a very creative state right now so anything i can create i will. im writing again, im drawing again, i’m painting and crocheting and making videos that won’t ever see the light of day, i’m streaming games but muting my mic because im scared of speaking but i’m having fun. (also the last of us but thats expected i hope)

feel free to tag yourself and claim i tagged you because i never know who likes tag games (i love them though <3)

[lovesickeros]

☆ love; heretical and divine

{☆} characters tsaritsa {☆} notes cult au, yandere, drabble, gender neutral reader {☆} warnings blood {☆} word count 0.8k

To love a God is heretical. It is an act of blasphemy– it is to drag them down from their throne of hollow gold, to topple the pedestal the worshipers uphold on their shoulders like lambs at the herders heel. It is the act of forcing them to their knees and ripping that beating heart of glorious gold and beautiful, cruel divinity from their chest, so pure it burns.

To love a God is to make them sin. To make them painfully, horribly human.

To love a God is to sin.

The love of a worshiper is no love at all, brilliant in its raw purity, untainted by sin. It is fear and obedience masked by adoration so overpowering it corrupts. It makes the lamb so unquestioning in it's faith it will never question the knife that cuts, the teeth that rip, the claws that tear. If the Creator deemed them unworthy of the very life crafted by their hands, then they must have committed a sin so grave there lay no salvation for their horrid soul.

But she is no worshiper– her lips speak of heresy as easily as she breathes, her words nothing but lies, cold and cruel like the ice that crawls along her skin like webs.

She loves a God like a lover should.

A damned sinner reaching longingly for the heavens.

She loves a God in the subtle brush of their lips, their muffled voices behind closed doors as they indulge in curiosity untamed. She is a sinner through and through, but she feels herself fall further with every brush of her hand across their cheeks, every touch she bestows upon them like a lover. She memorizes the imperfections of their body like memorizing a map– every scar, every mark, every line drawn on their body like a canvas, her touch the brush that stains the pristine white.

No devoted lamb shall ever see the painting they create in these stolen moments– it is for the eyes of a heretic so vile it makes them shudder, their body dirtied by the love of a woman so vile even their divinity is obscured by the ice.

The lambs may be satisfied with fleeting glimpses of gold and empty words from lips that guide them to the jaws of the wolves, but she is not. Her hands crave them like a starving hound, aching to touch that imperfect skin hidden by the veil of gold that obscures the painfully human body beneath. She longs to free them from the golden cage that binds them– to see their wings blot out the sky, their divinity tainted by sin and making them all the more beautiful for it.

It is a longing that leaves a festering wound that cannot heal, will not heal. Even if it could, she would not let it.

For as much as she tries, deny it as she may, she is no better then the blind lambs following the herder who holds a blade in their hand, glittering like gold in the sun, stained by dull red.

She is a fool, and what a fool they make of her with the touch of their hands against her skin– so cold it leaves frost on their fingertips. Yet they do not fear the cold, mapping out every inch of her imperfections, carved into her body by her own hands.

She has always been a heretic, cursing the divine until she could speak no more, but if divinity can be found in them – in this love that consumes, that burns her hands and her lips – then she is a Saint, praying at the altar until her throat bled.

But in the end, she has and will always be a cold woman with hands stained with blood. Until it is all she can taste, until it is all she can smell, until it is all she can feel. These hands of hers, heretical and divine, will bleed the God from their veins– she will become the wolf to their lamb until the rivers of Teyvat run gold with their ichor, until the gold bleeds into red, the taste of their divinity on her tongue.

Until she drags a God from their lofty throne and makes of them a monster.

There is no greater triumph to the heretic then to love a God into sin. To make a God sin to love.

To love is to be human, and they are no God.

Even if she must tear the gold from their very being until all that's left is something human. Even if Teyvat crumbles and decays, even if it begins over and over again..

She will do it again and again, until the gold can bleed no longer. Until her sins grow too great for Teyvat to contain.

To love a God is to devour, and be devoured. An endless cycle of sin that dulls the glow of gold into something new– something horrifying and divine, in it's own right. Something just as horrid as her, just as divinely corrupted by the sins she carries on her shoulders like a trophy, as gold as the sun and as cold as ice.

Divinity, carved into something human by love all consuming, until it all bleeds away and they begin their dance anew, for as many cycles as it takes.

An eternity, if she must, of dooming this world of theirs to fire and decay for a glimpse of the being snared by their golden shackles.

[joseigamer]

Patalliro! is fascinating to me because of stuff like this. It's unapologetically gay - even within its anime which aired during primetime hours in 1982 - in a way that many later BL manga would never be, like the ones from the early 2000s which would never dare to call their characters actual homosexuals. Patalliro has actually aged quite well in this regard, there's something comforting about how campy it is.

[beanghostprincess]

it wouldn't surprise me that, despite sanji being the literal cook of the crew, he had an eating disorder (ofc trigger warning here for eds, child abuse, starvation and, y'know, sanji's background in general).

he experienced the most traumatic years of his life trapped inside a fucking cell, with a metal helmet around his head and only eating when his father let him. which was 'only when the kid needs it', probably. which leads to judge saying 'i couldn't even kill my son' and it can translate to 'at least i kept you alive'. and not to turn this into irl trauma, but abusive parents constantly use the 'keeping you alive and giving you food' excuse (the bare fucking minimum) to guilt trip you into thinking that they're good and that you're exaggerating how bad they treated you because, well, at least they kept you alive, didn't they?

so here, sanji sees food as a form of loving but in the sense of 'at least my dad didn't kill me. that's something'. so his vision towards food remains positive but only because of his mom. only because his love language is acts of service and his mom took everything he gave her, even if it was horrific, as a way of saying 'i love all of you. you're perfect because you tried and the fact that you brought me your food is enough to make me feel loved. you're not a mistake' despite his brothers and his father saying that he was, indeed, a mistake and weak for wanting to give food to others instead of just taking it for himself.

both ideas of 'someone who loves you wouldn't let you starve' and 'offering food to others is opening up your heart' coexist inside little sanji's brain.

so it wouldn't be crazy to think that, although sanji loves cooking and his best early memories of it are that book that kept him dreaming while he was locked up, and his mom's words, has a hard time eating food.

besides, sanji is used to giving, not taking. he's not selfish, but actually extremely generous to the point of forgetting about his own well-being. i don't think he actually thinks about how hungry he is until it hurts. until he needs it. he only ate whenever his father let him so he wouldn't starve, and the only thing that made him feel well about food was the fact that he could give it to the one he loved and needed it.

sanji doesn't have good experiences eating food, but only cooking it. it's a great representation of his personality as a whole, to be honest.

then the whole zeff thing happens, and he actually almost starves to death and learns what hunger feels like. but once again, zeff saves him and he's the one to be hungry for not letting the kid starve. which might seem similar to what judge did, but 'not letting you starve because i couldn't kill you' isn't the same as 'not letting you starve because i don't want you to die'. sanji learns the difference that day.

he didn't know somebody could be that kind. especially to him, someone who doesn't deserve it (he thinks he doesn't) because, in his house, love only came when you earned it.

and, you know, sanji's like that. sanji's selfless. sanji does everything for others. and so the guilt eats him up first. what zeff did is beautiful and amazing and we love him for it, but we don't know about how that affected sanji at a young age. which only makes him even more selfless and more of a better, kinder, generous person. and that might be bad, considering how little he thinks about himself already-

he learns that throwing away food is awful, and that you have to be grateful for being able to eat. grateful for living. so his don't-waste-food policy is obviously a big part of his personality due to almost dying of starvation and also owing his life to his dad (zeff, the real one, of course. fuck judge).

but that can almost be dangerous because refusing to waste food leads to forcing yourself to eat only because of his concept of what food means.

and then we have luffy in wci saying the whole 'i won't eat anything that you haven't cooked' which is precious and something very beautiful to say to your cook, but that only brings sanji back to 'starving is a form of loving' and 'you can't let someone you love starve'. and no matter how much he wants to force himself to push luffy away, he gives him food because he knows his captain will keep his promise.

sanji feels guilty, once again, but he ends up fixing it.

the thing is, after everything i've said, i don't think it would be weird to think about sanji viewing food as something external. something that isn't for himself. something that he only has control over because it's for others and not for himself, and it's a concept, a form of love, and not a need. because he does not feel hungry. when it comes to food, he feels responsibility and guilt and love... but never hunger.

hunger is, by all means, a form of selfishness sanji isn't used to unless his body is about to give up completely. he can eat out of pleasure and satisfaction and love for food, but he does it to train a selfless skill that may or may not also be selfish in the sense of 'wanting to be loved and useful'.

so here we have:

seeing food as a form of love because at least his dad wouldn't let him die, but he probably learned to push away the concept of hunger

seeing cooking as the most beautiful way of showing your feelings and efforts and taking care of people

not knowing the concept of hunger due to his own selflessness

scratch the first one, actually starving for others is a form of loving. he will never let the people he loves starve even if it means he dies in the process.

he can't waste food because that would be insulting and disrespectful. no matter the context.

and i'm just saying (and this whole thing is extremely self-indulgent and me projecting again and again) that it wouldn't be surprising to me if he had some issues when it comes to eating and making food for himself.

it's not that he thinks he doesn't deserve food, it's just the thought that he doesn't need it. going back to his past it could be seeing hunger as a form of weakness (not when it comes to others. never when it comes to others), both because of what his family taught him men should be like, and the fact that the manliest man he knows used starvation as a form of love.

so it's seeing hunger as something that makes you weak, but only when it comes to himself because of course, he wouldn't apply the same rules for him as for everyone else. he's just like that.

he thinks about others first, and himself second. always second. and the thought of eating and needing it only comes when it's too much. and when that time comes, the voices in his head tell him that he's weak. and again, i don't think he sees himself as undeserving of food because he has this whole thing about everybody deserving to eat. but he has never played with the same rules as the rest, always a few steps behind, so if he can't fight the thoughts in his head contradicting his morals, that's just how he is.

not to mention the 'don't waste food' part which also would make him feel guilty about not being able to eat if the thoughts of not deserving food and being weak for needing to eat become too much. he can't eat because he doesn't deserve it and because he's weak. and he can't starve, because that would mean wasting food.

so, you know, sanji is out of options here.

if some days sanji just casually decides not to eat- forgets to prepare himself a meal while his crew enjoys his food... that's just the way he is, isn't it? and if he lies about it, it's just another form of love, keeping them away from his problems.

besides, controlling hunger and controlling food is the only way he has to take control of his messy life. when something is out of reach, the unstoppable thing called life he has never been able to control, at least he can choose not to eat. he can choose to starve, this time, with the comfort of knowing he won't. he can choose not to eat this time, not like all of those times when food was controlling him instead.

at least the strawhats will never, ever, starve if he's around. but of course, nobody thinks about asking the cook if he wants to eat. that would be absurd. and it's impossible to think sanji would have some sort of issue with it! sanji, the cook, who keeps telling them not to waste food, not eating? that would be absurd and too selfless to make sense.

that's just the way he is.

[my-thoughts-and-junk]

thinking about superheroes unfortunately

[kim-dokja-hate-blog]

as time goes on, i understand more and more abt that time kim dokja randomly told all his friends that he wanted to live in a big house with them once the apocalypse was over. i think that was the first time he actually included himself in the dreams of their future, too convinced he’d die before getting there. he. yeah.

[spider-man-2o99]

Just wanted to say that I have been thinking of you and pre-emptively empathizing with the nonsense you are no doubt being flooded with and the psychic damage it must be causing. Keep stanning the king ignore the weirdos <3

thankg u.,, i feel like ive been trapped in a fuckign . Torture Labyrinth these past coupl days . but. wwe will. We Will Yet Persist onwards w/ our hand on the left wall till we;re either out or at the center i swear 2 fucking GOD,

[im-not-a-sheep]

can't believe jinx is one of those bitches who are like "my eyes change colour depending on emotion >:("

[1o1percentmilk]

i love looking at people's aesthetic tags because theres usually some sort of theme going on

[irusanw4]

I couldn't give less of a shit which UI layout Discord settles on. I just need them to fucking stop changing it. This is a threat.

[cwarscars-a]

so, a little announcement post - my new carrd is up!

i would be so, SO grateful if you guys could check out the rewritten rules & give this post a like if those rules sit okay with you.

the main change in my rules is regarding heidegger's sexuality.

i hate coming off as potentially offensive with regards to the openness of his sexuality or as if to be disrespectful toward my m/m ships but, i just feel that i really only enjoy ships when they're fully fleshed and plotted out, regardless of the sexuality. over the years, i've dealt with being approached for many 'daddy' ships that i'm just...not really into. as well as this, while i openly write heid as having an interest in bdsm - i worry that people perhaps don't understand the extent of his fetishes. for my own comfort, i will only be writing these kinds of ships in a fully consensual, highly plotted manner. it's just purely to avoid any bad feelings all around or discomfort on either end.

OTHERWISE! check out the AMAZING timeline page that moogs made possible! i've drawn an image representative of each stage of heid's life in the hopes that it's easier to read for everyone <3 please let me know your thoughts on his photos through the years (starting with HIS DAD and him and ending with smokey, lazy heid). i really hope it encourages people to read my timeline more. i know it's long-winded and self indulgent and perhaps even cringey, but, i really poured my heart and soul into it. so, i hope that shows or at least gives people some insight into how i write heidegger.

thank you all ( and BIG thankee to moogs once again <3 )

oh! and regarding the ships pages; it's a lil temporary and i've done my best to include peeps i have active threads with or discussions with. more to be added + images soon, i promise!

[alyimoss]

you. Hi

found the post from before I hope I don't come across as weird fjdjjdndndhdjd

anyways

so here's my weird ass idea. Crazy as hell and I'm sleepy and probably not in the right mindset so here goes

in ghost form the fallen children bond (yes this includes chara)

and then they get resurrected by frisk

frisk and chara understandably go with Toriel, along with many other fallen children

however clover insists having a cowboy dad (starlo) and so now starlo and Toriel have joint custody of the child

ok yup I'm gonna sleep byeeee

hi! you dont come off as weird, dw, lmao

unfortunately, i 1) just woke up from a nap, and 2) have shit awful memroy. i. dont know which post youre talking about??? lmfao. its a neat idea tho. i wonder how many of the children would want to stay w toriel or would rather stay with some like. cool monster friends they made.

some of them would probably have been dead long enough that their friends have already passed away, and theyd prob go with toriel, considering shes. basically their mom. some of them may have their cool monster friends turn into cool monster grandparents. some would just have their cool monster friends remain their cool monster friends or get adopted... like clover, imo

i dont think theyd go with toriel or that shed have any custody over them, tbh. in uty, they only know her for like. a minute, lol. its more likely shed see them alive again and talk w them and decide where they want to go, and once shes sure they have somewhere safe to stay, shed leave them to live their life. maybe theyd visit once in a while, probably more likely to see frisk/other humans who decided to stay w her rather than toriel herself (at first, at least)

star would have full custody. or. maybe it would be split between the feisty five?? who all live together anyway so ig it doesnt matter much. i like to think martlet dalv and ceroba are involved, too. myabe not in terms of official custody, but definitely in terms of "oh our human friend slash kid is back, and were already friends ig, so like. wow our family just got huge"

personally like the thought of star's parents finding out. bc suddenly theyre grandparents. wonder if theyd dote on clover... theyd teach them the ins and outs of the corn trade, i think. corn family

anyway, that got long, lmfao. i have no idea how anon messages work, idk if youll see this or not (detriments of being a new-ish tumblr user lmao) but enjoy your sleep

[notquiteaghost]

a problem with living with someone who is in mental health crisis but refuses to admit it is how. obviously crisis can happen to anyone, for any reason. but they had a somewhat stressful job & are experiencing unmanaged adhd household hell. and yknow to contrast it against. one year of living with a violent controlling cunt + four years of incredibly precarious financial instability + pre-existing cptsd & ocd. four years of living with a violent controlling cunt + pre-existing cptsd. same one year of living with a violent controlling cunt + pre-existing cptsd + six years of inescapable worry over a loved one's mental health. like it isnt a competition but if it was they would. lose. it is making me very like a snarling dog how this house was supposed to be Finally A Living Situation That Won't Make Anyone Suicidal and yet here we are once again being upset by someone who won't change their behaviour

[xamaxenta]

ngl i kind of just want to kms alot of the time but its the effort of doing and then leaving behind the one person who seems to like me enough to stick around me and my bs and that stops me

[beauzos]

i'm very tired. i finished replaying tgaa 1 a few hours ago and am now just thinking about 2 a lot. anyways love the concept of kazuma and ryunosuke's romance being a missed connection, something they can't get back or even start because of everything that happened. like the opportunity was there, now it's gone, and kazuma hasn't yet gotten over it because while ryunosuke had time to mourn the loss, kazuma hasn't. and they keep missing each other over and over, because their lives keep diverging, and it's this thing that lingers and hangs over him and he can't even be upset that he lost the chance because he knows that their friendship is strong despite the fact they seem perpetually driven away from each other. he hasn't lost everything, and yet it also feels like he has. ryunosuke has grown so much and kazuma is getting worse.

also ryunosuke is aroace. goodnight

[fulltimeviking]

pov i am watching shadow and bone season 2