#i hate the stupid fucking views feature on Twitter it makes me feel like shit

[pissfizz]

I’m sure you guys are tired hearing about this by now but I’m so tired of my art so severely underperforming hsgsjsgsj

[negasonicteenagemess]

Slippery Slope || peter parker imagine

Pairing: Peter Parker x Reader

Word Count: 2.5k

Request: hey :) so could you write something where read and peter are dating and it’s either summer break or christmas break or something and reader goes on a family vacation where brad is (he doesn’t know her and brad are cousins) and he gets super sad and jealous and when he sees snaps of them together so when she gets back he’s like ignoring her until she snaps and is like peter wtf and he accuses her of cheating w her cousin and it’s like a funny wtf moment

hi... sorry for not posting in like five months. I haven’t really been in a peter vibe and i think i accidentally turned into a theater kid because I listen to musicals now

masterlist

Peter sat on his bed, bored out of his mind as he absentmindedly scrolled through his phone. YouTube, Instagram, Twitter, you name it, Peter was on it. He bit his lip going back to his messages again to see whether or not Y/N had sent a text that he missed. When he opened their messages, he wasn’t surprised when he noticed the lack of a response from her as she is on vacation after all. She went all the way to New Jersey for some family thing. If Peter was being honest, he wasn’t really listening.

He groaned in annoyance, closing the app and tapping on Snapchat. Sighing, he swiped over to where his friends’ stories were, Y/N’s being the first in his line of site. He quirked his eyebrow, curious as to why his girlfriend can’t text him but has time to post on her story.

He tapped on the small icon above her name to see a picture of Y/N…and Brad together at the beach. “What!” He yelped sitting up, looking at his phone as if he saw some unearthly entity, again.

Why the hell was she with Brad at the beach? He wondered what was going on as he got a notification. His phone dinged, finally receiving a text from Y/N that read, “I’ve been at the beach all dayyy what’ve you been up to? :)”

Peter scoffed, locking his phone and hopping out of his bed to practically throw his suit on. He shook his head as he pulled the infamous red mask over his head, flattening his curls in the process. He glanced over at the backpack on his desk chair already prepped for school starting in almost a week. Shaking his head and dreading the thought of having to see Brad with Y/N again, Peter jumped out his window ready to help the citizens of New York once again.

Y/N returned home the Sunday before her first day of school. Like every high school student, she was cramming all of her summer homework into that afternoon with the thought of her boyfriend not speaking to her for a week. Six months of talking to each other nearly every day halted last week, and Y/N had no idea why.

She just wanted everything to go back to normal as she had no idea why Peter was ignoring her. She went to her messages, immediately tapping on Peter’s name. All of the messages she had sent in the past week had no replies other than the small ‘read’ under her words. She bit her lip, nervously typing a response yet again.

‘hey peter. I hate not talking to you. I’m sorry if I upset you or something. please call me, I miss you’

Y/N read over the message recognizing how pathetic it must have sounded but disregarded that as she knew that feeling didn’t compare to losing her boyfriend while she pressed the send button. Anxiously waiting for a response, all she could do was look at the message and wait for a response. Minutes passed and Y/N saw the small word that made her heart ache slightly. A bubble with three dots appeared making her heart flutter, but that flutter quickly diminished.

Read 5:37pm.

She closed her eyes, letting a small breath escape her lips as she locked her phone and proceeded to do her assignments.

Peter bit his lip when he slipped his phone into his pocket. “I just don’t get why she was kanoodling with him at the beach.”

He threw the ball in his hand against the wall, prepped to catch it again. “Maybe they’re just friends,” Ned offered, scribbling down half-assed answers to the summer reading.

“Okay, but if she went to Jersey for what she said was a supposed family thing then why was Brad there?” Peter questioned as he caught the ball and stared at his friend who was sitting on the bed in Peter’s room.

“Oh my god,” Peter spoke quietly, dropping the red ball onto the ground next to his desk chair before covering his face with his hands in realization. “What?” Ned asked now looking at his best friend with concern.

“She’s totally cheating on me,” he spoke softly as he turned in his chair to face the bed. “Woah Peter,” Ned exclaimed, “I don’t think she’s cheating on you. It’s Y/N we’re talking about. She’d never do that to you.” 

“But what other explanation could there be?” Peter groaned, throwing his head back in annoyance. “I-I would never do that with MJ without telling her.”

Ned scoffed, “yeah but that’s completely different because you dated MJ.” Peter mumbled a short ‘yeah’ as he absentmindedly spun in the chair. “Just talk to her man. Maybe you’ll find an explanation then,” Ned suggested, picking up his pencil to begin focusing on his homework yet again. Peter sat in his thoughts for a minute, maybe his best friend was right after all. 

The next day at school, Y/N decided to wear a cute outfit for the first day. It was an outfit that Peter helped her pick out, and she completely forgot that until she approached her new locker. She sighed after entering in the combination a billion times without any success. “Need some help,” Brad questioned as he noticed the disheveled girl. 

Y/N turned to look at him, with desperation clear on her face, “please?” Brad took the paper out of her hands and showed her how to open the metal box. “You have to twist it three times before entering the last number,” he explained as the door popped open. 

“Oh,” she whispered softly, “thanks Brad.” Sadness was evident in her voice as she swung her backpack in front of her to drop off some excess school supplies.

 “Has he talked to you at all?” He spoke quietly, putting a supportive hand on her shoulder. She shook her head, looking down, “he hasn’t even texted me back.”

He pulled the sad girl into his arms, knowing that this past week has been rough on her.

“I don’t even know what I did,” her voice muffled into his shirt. Across the hall, Brad saw the boy she was talking about alongside his best friend. 

Peter made eye contact with the teenager who had his arms wrapped around his girlfriend. Not wanting Y/N to notice him, Brad put a hand on her head to keep her there, but to also show comfort. 

“He’s such a fucking idiot,” Brad spoke loudly to make sure that Peter could hear him. The hero looked away, not wanting to witness the scene any longer. Clenching his jaw, Brad pulled away and immediately softened his features when he saw Y/N. 

She pulled out her phone to look at the time with a small amount of hope that dissipated when she saw she didn’t have any notifications from Peter. “The bell’s gonna ring soon. Better walk to class early in case I get lost.” She chuckled lightly as a small smile made its way onto her lips.

The day went by slowly with the standard first day business. Syllabus after syllabus and ‘get to know me’ activities that seemingly had no end.

Lunch was the sweet escape that the upperclassmen thrived in while the new freshmen had struggles navigating to find a seat.

“Well if it isn’t my favorite guy at Midtown,” Brad spoke sarcastically, swinging his arm around Peter’s shoulders roughly as he took a seat next to him. Peter closed his eyes, trying to ignore the situation as much as he possibly could. “What do you want?” He muttered, now glaring at him. 

“I wanna know why you’ve been a total dick to Y/N,” he smiled bitterly, clearly showing the anger within him. Peter scoffed, pushing Brad away from him gently.

 “Why do you want to know so badly?” He grumbled. Ned sat there across from the two, eating his food quietly as he watched the scene unfold. “Because you hurt her, Parker. And we both know she, of all people, doesn’t deserve that,” Brad spoke, his tone serious. 

“How can you be so sure about that? She was probably too busy making out with you to talk to me,” Peter exclaimed, emphasizing his point with flailing his hands about. “Maki-what?” Brad now started laughing, standing up to get a better view of Peter, who was much shorter than him. “You really are stupid, aren’t you?” 

“What?” Peter questioned confused with his angry tone lacing through. Brad shook his head, putting a hand on the smaller boy’s shoulder. 

“Y/N, she’s my cousin. You dumb piece of shit,” Brad scoffed. Suddenly, Peter’s eyes widened as everything started to make sense. A vague memory from over the summer that he had forgotten suddenly resurfaced. 

“Yeah, my mom and I are gonna meet up with my Aunt and Brad before we go to New Jersey for that stupid reunion,” Y/N spoke as she scrolled absentmindedly through her phone. Peter stopped typing on his laptop to turn and question his girlfriend. 

“Brad?”

Y/N furrowed her brows as she looked at the teenager before her, “yeah. He’s my cousin. I’ve told you this before, Peter. But, for your sake, we were both dead for five years, so I’d forgive you if you’ve forgotten.” 

She chuckled lightly at her statement, leaning over to plant a kiss on his cheek as he returned to his laptop.

“I-I only remember her talking about you before the whole blip thing. I just completely forgot that you’re basically the same age as us now. Holy shit,” Peter confessed, looking down in shame. 

“God, I’m such an idiot,” he ran his hands over his face as he thought about the past week and how douchy he was acting. “Yeah, you sure are,” Brad commented, crossing his arms while taking a step back. “You better fix this, Peter. I don’t want to see her cry over you again.” He walked away, leaving that side of the cafeteria to find his cousin.

Peter’s heart broke at the thought of Y/N crying. Especially over him. He sat down at his seat feeling utterly defeated. Holding his head in his hands his mind went blank when coming up with solutions. “I don’t know what to do,” he mumbled, looking up at Ned who was concerned for his friend. 

“Okay,” Ned spoke after swallowing a fry, “I have an idea.”

Peter stood at the door, a bouquet of roses in his hand. He let out a breath as he ran through what he was going to say to her. “Okay, Peter. You got this,” he whispered as he pressed the doorbell. 

The wooden door swung open to a slightly distressed teenage girl.

“Hey,” he mumbled with a shy smile. Y/N wiped her face dry, her eyes obviously puffy. “What are you doing here Peter?” She whispered, leaning against the door. 

He sighed, brushing a hand through his dark hair, “apologizing for being such a dick.” She looked down at the floor, fiddling with the hem of her shirt. They stood in silence for a minute.

“Well I’m waiting,” she softly spoke. Peter started with a breath, “I was jealous.” Y/N’s head shot up at the comment, crossing her arms with furrowed brows. “W-What? By who?” She was intrigued now as this was new information. Peter let out a short chuckled, “Brad.”

Y/N was now even more confused at his answer. 

“Yeah. I forgot that he was your cousin. So, I thought you lied to me about the family thing and that you just went to hang out with Brad, and-and cheated on me,” Peter pressed his fingers into his forehead disappointed with himself. “I forgot that the whole blip thing made him go from a middle schooler to a junior in high school,” he sighed with slightly slumped shoulders, “so when you said you were going with Brad, I thought it was like some eleven year old not, not him.”

Peter dryly chuckled as silence returned between the pair. “Why would you think I’d cheat on you?” Y/N asked shyly as she leaned against the door frame with crossed arms but no look of resentment gracing her features. 

“I don’t know,” Peter muttered, looking into her eyes before looking at his shoes, “really I don’t have any idea why because I know you’d never do that.” 

Y/N gave him a tight smile at the comment when he looked in her eyes again.

“This year has been so shitty, Y/N,” he finally broke.

“I-I disappeared for five years, I had to help save the whole universe, then the whole thing in Europe happened and- and everything with Tony,” his voice cracked at the thought. Tears started pouring out of his dark brown eyes as Y/N grabbed his hand to comfort him. “Peter,” she whispered, about to console him but he wasn’t finished.

“I thought the universe was out to get me, you know? With everything I’ve lost, I wouldn’t really be surprised at this point if I lost you too,” he sobbed as Y/N wrapped her arms around him. The flowers were now on the ground, but they were long forgotten.

Peter’s tears spilled onto Y/N’s shoulder while his arms wrapped tightly around her as if it’d be the last time. He felt so relieved to finally be able to hold her again. 

“Thank god you won’t be losing me anytime soon,” she chuckled lightly as she rubbed his back soothingly. Peter’s laugh mimicked her own as he pulled away while wiping his eyes. 

“Oh man, I’m sorry,” he directed towards her wet shirt. He looked down at the ground as if he was trying to remember something, “oh no! The flowers!” He sounded stressed as he bent down to pick them up. 

Y/N smiled at his child like action, “Peter it’s okay. I’m just glad I have my boyfriend back.” Despite their redness, Peter’s eyes glimmered as a grin grew on his face.  

“So, you don’t want to break up with me then?” He spoke, slightly unsure of himself, but growing confident as Y/N beamed. She leaned forward pressing her lips against his. His eyes were wide at the sudden action before he fell back into the standard routine of placing his hands on her hips as their lips moved together. A slight crunch could be heard from plastic on the floor. 

Peter pulled away with his eyes closed and his lips pressed in a fine line, “I dropped the flowers again.” 

“Oh my god,” Y/N giggled as her arm laid on her stomach and the other hand went to her mouth as he bent down. Peter stood up, with his hair slightly ruffled and a big grin on his face. “These are for you. They look kind of beaten though now,” he spoke as he examined the new frailness the roses had. 

“They’re perfect,” she smiled as she took the flowers from his hands. “Come inside before my neighbors see us. We both look like an absolute mess.”

[levyfiles]

Omg drabbles! :D word: coffee. genre: fluff. tits out for coffee shop AUs lol. Congrats on the followers!

I gotta tell ya. I fought so hard with this one for what felt like ages, but I had the plot in mind and it didn’t want to let go so that is why A) the wait was ridiculously long and B) you’re about to get 2.5k of a ‘drabble’ lol. I honestly hope it’s all the fluff you wanted because you deserve it. Thank you for the prompt.

–

Read it on AO3

Word: Coffee

Genre: Fluff

Word Count: 2628

It was never a thing until their newest trainee asks him politely if he and Shane are dating. Ryan doesn’t mean to snap at the new guy, but it’s just that he doesn’t understand.

“We’re not dating. We’re friends– hardly more than that. He’s just a coworker.”

It feels stupid to explain. Having Shane as a coworker wasn’t easy until it just sort of was. Ryan had hopped in on this job, promised enough time to his video production class and enough pay to help him survive. Shane was the experienced ‘lifer’ as he called himself and he trained Ryan directly and Ryan had always been a quick learner.

Ryan picked up every bad habit Shane could deliver in the course of two weeks and once their manager TJ knew he couldn’t train any of it out of Ryan once it got in, he never scheduled them apart.

“Team Espresso or Mocha Men?” Shane asked him once; this was just after Ryan had broken his first coffee cup trying to get it to sail across the top of the counter the way Shane did. Now they were in it together; Shane had laughed so hard at the sight of the shattered cup, helped Ryan clean it up, stood beside Ryan while TJ chewed him out.

“Anyone who calls me ‘mocha man’ gets his shit kicked,” Ryan had sworn, half jokingly, embarrassed and wondering why the tallest coffee barista in the world was smiling at him like a loon.

Shane got this look on his face. “I like the violence in that. Keep trying to throw coffee across the room, little buddy.”

It gets easy because their bad habits have a rhythm. You’re not supposed to run the espresso dispenser while you’re heating milk but when two orders come at once out of a long line of groggy, grumpy people, Shane will lean right over Ryan and get a firm grip on the espresso handle while Ryan’s got the milk foaming for a macchiato and an espresso cup poised for Shane in his other hand.

“How about ‘Bean bros,” Ryan says one day, tossing him a fresh bag of cream with one arm. Shane barely catches it and TJ over by the register is wide-eyed like he’s gonna snap.

Shane beams at him. Ryan knows being a barista isn’t supposed to be this exciting.

Sometimes Shane taps a set of fingers against his hip to get him to move; there’s no time for words when you’re clocking eight orders every five minutes between 7 and 10 A.M even if the touch lingers and Ryan feels the touch burn until the end of his shift.

“So you and Shane aren’t dating?” the trainee asks again.

“Fuck off. We’re just scheduled together a lot!” he hisses because Shane is just around the corner arranging the basket of muffins and He Will Hear.

Sometimes maybe Ryan notices Shane’s apron is sliding off. Shane’s hips don’t hold up when the knot’s not tight enough and he’s sloppy with his knots when they first clock in at 5 A.M. Ryan doesn’t mind doing it. It’s more efficient to get the best service time if Shane’s apron isn’t falling around his knees.

“It’s Friday, baby!” Shane exclaims when Ryan finishes knotting Shane’s apron for him. That earns him a high-five. Ryan laughs because Fridays are the heaviest rush.

But it’s just… fun.

It’s hard to explain to someone who doesn’t get it. Shane has to lean over close during the morning rushes; it’s easier to churn out five orders between the two of them, so they’re ready for the next order before it leaves the customer’s mouth. TJ hates watching them work but their service time sliced in half ever since they got their routine down. And Ryan knows what it means to get a routine when you’ve been serving overpriced coffee to a perfect rush of over five hundred commuters every morning for just over two years. So when Ryan bends low, uses the espresso machine, he has no complaint about Shane crowding him.

“Are you asking me out?”

Ryan hears Shane’s voice during his break. He’s in the back eating his second danish, checking his twitter and for a wild moment he thinks the words are for him, but he looks up and peers around a set of boxes. Shane’s on his way back to the front and the trainee (what was his name again?) ogles up at Shane with this wilting stupid smile. “Yeah, I kinda am.”

Ryan puts his phone down, watches and waits.

“Like…a date?” Shane says, goofy smile quirked and soft. Ryan wants to say something. Don’t look at people like that; you’ll give them the wrong idea.

The trainee beams back. “Yeah, figured you might like to see a movie? With me?”

Ryan doesn’t get that. You don’t just start working somewhere and start asking people out willy-nilly. He’d worked with Shane for more than two years– practically going onto three years now and they’d never… Ryan had never…

They weren’t even really friends, were they?

The trainee shrugs, lilting and a little too louche for Ryan’s liking. “Well?”

Shane takes a carefully casual step against the swinging door to the front, like he’s being called away. “I’m really flattered, buddy. That’s so nice, but I got my hands full these days. You’re super cool but maybeanothertimesorreee…”

Shane is gone and the trainee looks as puzzled as Ryan feels. And Ryan does feel puzzled, and, yeah, a little gratified.

Honestly, thought, you can’t just start working somewhere and just ask people out. It’s probably why Shane said no just then. If that was the reason Shane rejected him. Was Shane even attracted to other guys?

Of course the trainee chooses then to round into Ryan’s corner, stopping short at the sight of him. He looks a little put out and Ryan almost feels sorry for him–almost, until the trainee opens his mouth.

“Figures. Why would he want someone else when all he talks about is you.”

Ryan doesn’t finish his second danish. He doesn’t eat for the rest of the day.

It’s a mistake to ask TJ about it. TJ is a manager but absolutely not into the whole interpersonal coworker drama thing. He just wants to the cafe to look good, sell great coffee and pastries, and for the workers to show up and no one to be trained by either Shane or Ryan.

“Has Shane ever said anything about me…?”

TJ doesn’t look up from the deposit slips and money he’s counting. “What, like, in general ‘cause…”

Ryan steps in the office door and shuts it behind him. “I mean, you’ve known him longer than I have. Has he had a girlfriend or….uh, a boyfriend–anyone recently?”

TJ’s brow curves down, lower than it usually does and he aims a quick look at Ryan. “I don’t know, really. He’s worked for me for years and—look, honestly, what does it matter if he’s leaving to start his own cafe next month anyway.”

The news hits him harder than he would ever have expected. When you start a job just to make ends meet you never think about the people that are gonna be there. You wonder if they’re nice; if they’re gonna be annoying or rude. You wonder if you can work with them, but it never really hits Ryan until this solid shaking moment that you could just, really like your coworkers and probably want to break something because they could up and leave so easily..

And just never say a word to you about it.

He meant to come in on monday and act normal. It would have been easier to do that; if Shane didn’t think to tell him he was leaving, then why would Ryan need to confront him about it. They never hung out outside work, never really talked about the future. It was just on-the-clock rhythms and routines, expecting the best from the other person because that’s teamwork and…

Ryan knows acting normal isn’t an option when Shane slides behind the counter where Ryan is restocking the cups and nudges him with an elbow and a wink. His dumb way of saying hi.

Ryan drops the stack of cups he’s holding. They skitter across the floor. It’s only the two of them there. No TJ to yell at him, no trainee to make even a casual glance of Shane’s hand over his while they’re picking up the cups feel so intimate.

“You Ok?”

It’s a broad set of words to come out under the percolator bubbling and the hum of an empty cafe. Usually the cash register drawers growl when they close and click and people talk over each other, but the water boils and the freezers thrum and Ryan stares at the metal sink, sliding the last of its last deep soil brown dregs down the drain from yesterday. “It’s not important anymore. I don’t care…”

“Ryan…”

He’s standing close like the morning rush is in and the smell of him, soaked and heady feels more naked now than it ever did. Ryan is reeling.

“You’re leaving. We have one schedule cycle left and you’re starting your own cafe? And you didn’t even tell me.”

He finally tilts his head back, takes in Shane, arm over the counter shielding Ryan from view behind the espresso machine. He could easily be his normal statue self leaning down over the machine, waiting for the next order but Ryan is there, brimming with the growing ice in his lungs, a sheer feeling of bitterness and hurt.

“Should I have…told you?”

It guts him. “What…?”

Shane’s features are tight. He’s knotted his apron really loose today and the whole thing hangs off him like a lank drape of cloth. “I heard what you said to Mark about us. We’re only scheduled together a lot…right?.” His eyebrows quirk in his usual funny way and Ryan has to straighten up, walk away like he’s restocking the lids now.

Who’s Mark? The trainee? Ryan feels brittle inside. “If you wanna leave, go on and leave. I’m not trying to stop you.”

Shane doesn’t follow him to the lids, doesn’t help him carry any over. He simply stands there and Ryan refuses to look at him.

“I never thought you would,” says Shane.

Ryan calls in sick for the next three shifts, tells TJ he ate some bad fish. TJ sounds more concerned over the phone until Ryan reassures him that it’s not anything he ate at the cafe. The trainee can work for Ryan’s missed shifts; it doesn’t matter. No, Ryan doesn’t care that the trainee isn’t even a trainee anymore.

When he comes back, Shane isn’t there. The schedule has his name crossed out; he left earlier than planned to get ready for his grand opening and Ryan wants to quit right then and there but he’s got bills to pay. Their service time sucks that morning but the trainee-Mark–is doing his best and Ryan has no place to complain.

TJ does. He say it right to Ryan’s face at the end of the day, but he smiles ruefully through it, knows how he sounds. “I’m just feeling sorry for myself, ignore me,” he says, which is possibly the kindest thing he’s said to Ryan since he started working here.

Ryan shrugs.

“It’s easy to feel bad when you lose a good worker,” TJ murmurs, looking back down to the register float and receipts spread over the counter. “But then I think about how many coffee cups the two of you broke doing that thing I told you so many times not to do and I don’t feel half as bad.”

Ryan wonders when coffee became such an important staple to him that he’s still here, chatting with his manager when he’s already off the clock. “I’m gonna go, Teej,” he mumbles.

“Hey, Ryan, listen…”

Ryan is already almost out the door, could have decided he didn’t hear him, but he twists around anyway. “Hm?”

“I’m sorry I made it difficult for you two to date.”

Ryan doesn’t care about the job anymore. He’s about to actually turn over the first tray of cups he can get his hands on. “What?”

TJ must see the look on his face because he raises his hands in an affable surrender. “No, look, I mean Shane running his own cafe is going to cut down your time together, I know, but I had to do it.”

“Do…what?” His own breath feels volcanic. He wishes he’d not been so dumb about this, wishes he had Shane’s phone number or something.

“I had to make Shane promise me he wouldn’t take you with him. I pretty much begged. He wasn’t having it; he wanted you with him but I just couldn’t lose both of you at the same time.”

Ryan stuffs his apron in his locker. He doesn’t know what he’s angry at more; he doesn’t even know if he’s all that angry. Hurt. Yeah definitely. So many moments of quiet with Shane, lunch breaks; Shane’s smile and jokes and the way he just kind of insinuated himself into Ryan’s space, made it normal and Ryan thinks with so much inner cringe of the many times he’d leaned back for steady space, knowing Shane would be around him, passing him things, laughing when they were faster than ever.

God.

The card catches his eye when he’s just about to close his locker door. The hinges scrape back and Ryan snatches it up from under the folds of his apron sets. It’s a business card, raised font, a cute little cartoonish coffee pot with eyes.

Bean Bros Cafe, it says. The address in chocolate brown typeface under the curly silly script. Shane Madej. Owner/Manager.

Ryan isn’t sure what time the grand opening is, but he skips work again, pulls up at the crack of dawn just to be the first to step up to the glass doors etched with the same cartoonish logo in fresh paint. For all that Ryan had felt he didn’t know the guy. The cafe just screams ‘Shane’ in bold colours and climates. The cups look simple, and old fashioned, just like the music streaming from … a gramophone. There’s a huge stack of vinyls right next to it. A simple light bulb hangs above it all, giving almost the most light in the entire cafe.

And Ryan knows what albums are gonna be there before he approaches. Like he has a special own sort of mental stack of Shane facts in his head on their own special shelf and right as he takes in the sight of the warm wood floors and Shane is in all of it.

Shane is also in the doorway to the back room, staring at Ryan like he’s a ghost. Ryan takes a deep breath.

“For the record, I liked you for the longest time and you should have said something too. How was I supposed to know, you jerk?”

Shane’s shoulders sink, a relief in it. His apron is tied crisply and he looks like how coffee in the morning feels. His smile is slow, hesitant, but Ryan is already smiling back; his chest feeling empty and almost hungry in a way.

It’s what spurs him to cross the room, cross the threshold of the counter and grab the waistband of Shane’s apron, and pull him in.

“So, you wanna get coffee sometime?” Shane murmurs against his lips, huffing out laughter that vibes like cinnamon and their own warm quiet mornings alone in the old cafe..

It’s just as well, Ryan thinks. It’s never a good idea to date a coworker.

[footbaliimagines]

proud (an antoine griezmann imagine)

summary: atletico madrid get knocked out of the copa del rey and antoine looks to his girlfriend for comfort

You hadn’t been able to make it to the game that evening. Instead of heading to Barcelona to watch the match live and cheer Atletico on from the stands, you’d been forced to rely on Twitter, thanks to your boss insisting on holding a meeting the next morning at 9am.

If it were any other match, you would have been disappointed. Instead, you’re kind of grateful. Watching Antoine’s face fall and a sad smile grace his features as the team applauded the away fans had been bad enough through your laptop screen, and you’re pretty sure seeing it in the flesh would have been enough to make you never want to watch a football match again.

“Hey, babe.” You speak softly.

You’re sat in front of your laptop with Skype up and running, with a highlights video of the game open on another tab, your legs crossed and an array of takeaway pamphlets scattered in front of you. “Hi.” His voice is quiet and he sounds utterly broken, and your heart splinters even further.

It had been a frustrating year. Antoine gives so much, works so hard, and to be faced with disappointment again had undoubtedly been hard on him. He’ll be overthinking, blaming himself, replaying every kick and pass and shot in his brain until his head spins.

You ask, trying to keep your voice cheerful, “How are you?” It’s a dumb question, nothing but small talk, and you hear him exhale.

You look at him through your laptop screen. He’s sat alone in his hotel room, slumped forward with shoulders slouched and one hand rubbing the back of his neck, the other running constantly through his damp hair. His blue eyes are wide, blinking frequently and darting around the room, in an attempt to act blasé and put on a front, constantly twitching so that the tears that are begging to fall don’t slip out.

“Exhausted. I want to come home. I don’t think I can hack spending another night here.” He murmurs.

“Come back to me soon, hey?”

He speaks delicately, “As soon as I can.”

“I’m proud of you, Antoine. More than you will ever, ever know.”

“I know you are.”

“So, so proud.” You stress. “We all are.”

“You shouldn’t be.” He mutters, looking down, his voice low and bitter.

“Stop that right now.” You order, sounding more like a primary school teacher than a supportive girlfriend. “I am proud. Please don’t start this whole ‘I-let-you-down-why-are-you-even-proud-of-me-in-the-first-place’ malarkey again.”

He glances up and presses his lips together in an apologetic smile.

“You need to be proud of yourself, too.” You add.

“It’s difficult.”

“I know.”

Then he’s back to refusing to make eye contact, playing with his finger and fiddling with the hem of his shirt. “I feel like I’m giving so much and getting nothing back in return.”

“I know.”

Antoine sighs and looks up at you, as you feel your heart about to break. “Again and again.” He chokes out. “I’m sick of getting shot down right at the end. It’s like being able to see the finish line but slipping and falling flat on your face, over and over again. I fucking hate this.”

“So do I.” You reply tenderly.

You wish you could do more than rattle off cliche comforting phrases, but it’s as much as you can do, and you know that all he needs to do is vent to open ears.

“How’s Nacho?” He pipes up after a brief moment of silence.

Rapidly changing the subject was a tactic Antoine often employed to get his mind off things and attempt to lift his spirits, taken from Filipe who told him that talking to his daughters made a loss significantly less painful. You eagerly comply, and jump to your feet, scooping Nacho, your fat grey cat who’s now meowing in discontent and whose tail is twitching in annoyance, into your arms, heading back to the view of your laptop camera. “He’s fantastic, as usual. Think he might have fleas, though.”

“You’re sending me quite mixed signals there.”

“So is Nacho.” You whine dramatically, leaning back and letting Nacho relax on your chest. “One second he’s clawing at my face to stop me from giving him kisses and the next he won’t even let me go to the toilet in peace. ”

“Gone for two nights and I’ve already been replaced.” He chuckles.

“I think he misses his Dad.”

“We are not getting another cat-“

“I meant you, stupid.”

“I know you think it’s cute to pretend that Nacho’s our baby, but I still think it’s kind of strange.”

“He is my baby, though.”

“You are so weird.” He laughs, and it’s the first time he’s sounded genuinely positive during the entirety of your Skype call.

“Still want a second cat. Still think we’re his parents.”

“Still love you, even though you’re an absolute nutcase.”

“And I’m still endlessly proud of you, even though for some weird fucking reason you think I shouldn’t be.”

He sighs and opens his mouth to reply, but you shake your head and cut him off. “No, don’t start with that again, Antoine. I will always be proud of you, always. You could sky an easy shot at an open goal in the last minute of the World Cup final and I would still be proud of you.”

“Well, you’ve just gone and jinxed it now.”

“Stay away from empty goals, Griezmann, you hear me?”

Antoine laughs, a light and melodic sound that pulls on your heart strings and makes you grin as you pull your laptop closer. Nacho jumps off your lap with a thump. “Loud and clear.”

“Good.”

“Thank you for cheering me up, darling.”

“Don’t thank me. Thank Nacho.” You smile, as Nacho flops onto his side and begins to kick the corner of the rug on your living room floor. You frown, “He’s doing that weird thing where he kicks the rug and rolls over again.”

“We have a psychopath of a cat. He’s absolutely mental.”

“Like owner, like cat. That’s the saying, isn’t it?”

“Probably.”

“I better go. Koke’s at the door and he’s just texted to say they’ve bought pizza, and if I don’t answer I’m pretty sure they’ll break down the door to make sure I’m not rotting away in my own sweat.”

“I’ll let you go, then.” You smile wistfully at him. “I love you, and I’m proud of you. I will be until the very last time you lace up your boots.”

And your voice breaks, a sudden lump appearing in your throat as you feel your eyes sting with tears. 

Fuck.

(You’re meant to be the one comforting him, not the other way round.)

“Don’t get soppy on me, now.” He teases. “You know I’ll cry if you do.”

“I’m sorry, sorry.” You shake your head and rub the tears away from under your eyes. “But you know what they say, right? That corny shit about how experiencing the lows makes you appreciate the highs even more? And how you have to deal with the rain if you want it to, uh, not rain?”

Antoine laughs. “Yes, babe, I’ve also read the ‘top 100 cheesy football quotes’, like you clearly have done.” He’s teasing you and if it were any other day you would have fired back, all guns blazing, but his eyes are sparkling and there’s a smile tugging at his features again

It’s a nice change to have humour and adoration glistening in his eyes rather than salty tears. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow. I love you.”

“I love you.”

——

A.N.: for the anon who requested something about antoine/atletico after the copa del ray match a few days ago. i wrote this quite quickly so i’m sorry if it’s not my best stuff (but i love antoine and will write virtually anything for him leeeet’s be honest) either way i hope you liked this!!!! 

(also i was massively inspired by my absolute weirdo of a cat when writing about nacho haha)

as usual thank you so much for everything and check out my masterlist ond my ask box to let me now what you think, come and say hi or request something!!!

[limejuicer1862]

F WORD WARNING

Wombwell Rainbow Interviews

I am honoured and privileged that the following writers local, national and international have agreed to be interviewed by me. I gave the writers two options: an emailed list of questions or a more fluid interview via messenger. The usual ground is covered about motivation, daily routines and work ethic, but some surprises too. Some of these poets you may know, others may be new to you. I hope you enjoy the experience as much as I do.

Martin Appleby

is a punk, poet, vegetarian, cider drinker and editor of Paper and Ink Literary Zine from Hastings, England. Follow on Facebook/Instagram/Twitter @paperandinkzine

The Interview 1. What inspired you  to write poetry?

Women. Quite simply. The first poem I ever wrote was as a love struck teenager about a girl I had a crush on but was too afraid to tell. Then when I started writing poetry again in my twenties it was drunken ramblings scrawled in a notebook after a break up. It wasn’t until my late twenties that, for the first time, I wrote a poem that wasn’t about a woman.

2. Who introduced you to poetry?

Henry Charles Bukowski Jr. His words opened my eyes to a whole new world. Poetry was no longer just the flowery, pretentious nonsense they had tried to teach me in school. It was simple, honest, raw, brutal, beautiful and working class. It was a gateway drug that lead me to discovering an underground wonderland of beats, outlaws and outsiders.

3. How aware were you of the dominating presence of older poets?

It is not something I have thought about too much. I guess the older you are, the more shit you have seen, the more life experience you have to draw from, and the more equipped you are to articulate it? I don’t know, maybe you have to be a certain age before you start to appreciate poetry.

4. What is your daily writing routine?

I fucking wish I had a daily writing routine. I write when I feel like it, when I feel that I have something to say. Sometimes that may be two or three poems in a day, sometimes that may be two or three in a month.

5. What motivates you to write?

That is a very good question. I guess all writing comes down to ego doesn’t it? The feeling that whatever you have to say is so important that it needs to be written down. Documented. Recorded. For posterity or publication, it’s all just ego. I don’t have any children and don’t plan to have any, so I like the idea that my poems will live on after I’m gone. A piece of me that will survive  long after my body packs up.

6. What is your work ethic?

I run a submission based literary magazine, so I am always working on the next issue. So, if I am not writing poetry, I am at the very least reading it. I also publish the odd poetry collection, the latest one being Too Many Drinks Ago by my friend John D Robinson. I am always  working on something. It’s what keeps me sane.

7. How do the writers you read when you were young influence you today?

I still love Bukowski’s writing, and whilst I don’t necessarily agree with some of the things that he wrote about – he had some problematic views which have been well documented – his writing will always stand out to me as a beacon of excellence, and continue to inspire me. As a kid I used to read things like Goosebumps and Star Wars novels , and whilst I enjoy the odd horror and sci-fi novel, I don’t think they particularly inform the stuff I write today.

8. Who of today’s writers do you admire the most and why?

I admire anyone who takes action. Anyone who doesn’t wait around for things to happen to them, but makes them happen. Anyone who has the fortitude to put their truth out into the world to be judged by total strangers.

1. Why do you write?

I like telling stories. I love the rush, the exhilaration, and the sense of accomplishment when it all comes together – when you’ve written the perfect sentence, or poem – when everything ties together in a neat little knot. Plus, how else am I supposed to tell people about all of the stupid shit I have done in my life? Start a fucking podcast or YouTube channel like very other brainless idiot these days?

2. What would you say to someone who asked you “How do you become a writer?”

One thing that I hate more than anything is people who describe themselves as “aspiring” writers/poets. It’s bullshit. Don’t aspire, be. Don’t try, do. Start typing.

1. Tell me about the writing projects you have on at the moment.

I started writing a novel in 2015 which I am yet to finish the first draft of. I would like to finish it before I die, but at the moment I’d say the chance of that is 50/50. I am also working on Issue 14 of my literary magazine, Paper and Ink – the theme is missed connections and  features a fantastic line up of writers, poets and artists from all over the world and all walks of

Wombwell Rainbow Interviews: Martin Appleby F WORD WARNING Wombwell Rainbow Interviews I am honoured and privileged that the following writers local, national and international have agreed to be interviewed by me.

[grizzlefur]

WWEm - The Chairening

((25-6 Sep))

!WAR NOONRETFA YADNOM si siht ,secnerefer s'relggiZ hploD naht ytrap eht ot retaL

niaga yaw gnorw eht epat eht dedaol ev'uoy ,leinad lleh gnickuf

tuo ti tros

--------------------

ahem

technical difficulties aside, let's watch some wrestling

it's monday because fuck off, i don't do schedule

this is the go-home show from no mercy, so presumably something will happen

even if it's just cesaro getting new teeth

and miz is already here

wait, shit, apparently this is actually ontario, california

now i need to retract that whole rant from last time, on the grounds that this is apparently a real place

anyway, slideshow of jj gettng fucked on by the miz to resounding cheers

everyone loves miz cos they're still in SoCal

even if he is wearing a janky-ass check suit

oh, and he's here to interview roman

great

now people love miz even more by comparison

miz kicks off by mentioning taker so people remember how much they hate roman

throws roman a softball question about how it feels to take over from cena, he stares into the middle distance for an uncomfortably long time

and then canned monologue about how he now respects cena

and he doesn't see why he should be spending time in a room with miz

who's like well i'm the one here with a belt so nyahhhhhh

takes the opportunity to throw shade at jj, roman stands up for him and says miz couldn't beat him one on one

asks the miztourage for a beer

miz is like no my talk show has standards

and like hey yeah it's such a bad thing to have two guys helping you out oh waaaaaait

floats the idea of the miztourage vs the shield, the crowd goes nuts

roman laughs, is like yeah fuck that, crowd hate him

and then talks about his path to the universal championship, manages to mess up brock's name

miz commences to a+ ranting about how he's the most important champ on the show

certainly the most hardworking

roman's like fuck it, okay, let's fight

miz desperately backpedals

is like nope sorry can't wrestle in this suit and also my wife is pregnant

so relevant

makes his farewells, leaves, but OH WAIT here's kurt

to be like yeah cool let's do this shit

roman/miz later on, mizoturage v matt hardy and jj now

because jeff's shoulder's fucked AGEEN

but first let's have this advert for hiac

although why you'd need to advertise it is a mystery to me when you could just read kevin's outstanding twitter feed

back in the room, and here are the hardyz

jeff's here to watch

and  rock out to their music

slowmo replay of the tower of doom spot that fucked his shoulder, doesn't look pleasant

and here's jj, met with overwhelming ambivalence

matt's got his green trousers on so at least they're coordinated

bell rings, jason commences to dismantle the other team by himself

finally tags matt in, crowd start paying attention

matt brings his usual brand, laughing like a goat and shambling curtis axel to death

ad break, so the miztourage get some offence in

because we all know heels are allergic to being filmed

apparently they did it by stepping to jeff and making jj defend him

you'd think that'd be a job for his actual brother, but then you clearly don't know the hardyz

corey talks about his time in the ring with bo for some serious oldschool nxt nostalgia

jj throws curtis out of the ring, double hot tag, cue matt mashing bo's face

side effect, curtis breaks the pin, jj spears both of them into the corner, twist of fate on bo for the pin

cole manages to mix matt and jason up

i guess they are both basically the same colour

positioned on the thin line between actual poc and tan as fuck

up next, we talk about the universal championship match

yay, more brock on my tv

after this ad for smackdown

and total bellas

featuring nikki and john arguing about power of attorney

thrilling

corey claims the universal title match was like a sci-fi movie, offers precisely no information to back this up

well, i guess it was less interesting and well-executed than the premise would suggest, so i guess there's that similarity

yeah, that's me throwing shade at disappointing adaptations of hugo award-winning books

(all of them)

come at me

in any case, here's elias

wearing his chicago tour shirt

(which i now own)

ontario have mixed opinions on walking with elias

apparently we're having a rematch of him and apollo tonight

this diss track is primarily about apollo, because nobody has anything interesting to say about ontario, CA

anyway, here's apollo

and titus

fight starts immediately as the bell rings, ref has to sneak in to pick up elias' scarf

booker talks about titus' political ambitions, corey reprimands him that "we don't do politics"

if only everyone in the company took that view

(wow, there's shade for everyone today)

the crowd are vocally behind apollo, which is novel

elias punches titus in the leg to distract apollo, superkick and drift away for the pin

after which titus runs in to fight elias

and everyone's like ohhhh yeah he's a wrestler

very short scrap before elias runs away

up next, finn does a thing

and we need to stop hyping the whole 'Man vs Man' thing

how was nobody on creative like welp that's a fucking stupid tagline, let's just do some more coke instead

cancer kids ad, and now charly interviews finn in a room made of curtains

i wouldn't put it past finn to have an interview in twin peaks

finn thanks bray for pushing him to succeed, restates his universal title ambitions, leaves

well that was short

meanwhile, here's curt hawkins and his 118-match losing streak

and here's braun

this'll go well

curt's like waaaaaaait a second this was a bad idea

and runs away

into the crowd

braun doesn't give a shit, leaps the barricade to chase him throw the crowd

and chokeslams him through a table

guys, that table was presumably there for a reason

now where will the tech guys keep their snacks

picks him up, takes him up to the stage and powerslams him through the led boards

god bless you, curt

bumping like a champ

braun goes back to the ring, gets a mic

like fuck that guy who wants to come and give me a real fight

and it's dean, because ill-considered decisions are totally his thing

walks over to examine curt's corpse, shrugs, heads to the ring

dean is, as ever the living embodiment of eh, fuck it

he's here with the scars of having the best match on the last night's show

but all his teeth, so could be worse

so braun's just focusing on working his bad shoulder

which is weirdly technical for him

you'd think just pounding the shit out of him would work just as well whether he's got a bad shoulder or not

dean tries the princess bride-style sleeper, gets smashed into some turnbuckles for it

keeps trying punching braun and getting headbutted to death

collapses, braun tries the foot pin

doesn't take

this match is like 90% just dean ragdolling around the arena, but it's actually p good

he gets a bit of offence courtesy of an eye poke

dean tips braun over the ropes, braun's like whatevs dude i'm tall and just stands on the floor

booker makes reference to braun having a "cloak of invincibility" [sic] despite the fact that he lost the night before

and dean gets powerslammed into oblivion

where's seth anyway

not here for his best bro

corey's commentary on the highlights package from that suggests he may not in fact know what a ddt is

backstage, kurt tells a ref to be extra careful in the miz match

and now here's enzo

who we gave a belt for some godforsaaken reason

he proposes a 'celebratory brouhaha'

kurt's like dude that was the shadiest win do you actually deserve it

enzo makes more noises, kurt caves

offers some advice from a longtime champ, enzo's like nah dude you're good and leaves

up next, alexa exists

after this archive footage of stone cold driving a beer truck into the arena eighteen years ago

presented by snickers for no particular reason

but now here's dean in the trainer's room

seth's brought him ice, asks him to be less ludicrously self-destructive now they're working together

like dude maybe at least let me know next time

dean calls him predictable, seth tries to prove he's not

so he's going to ask for a match with braun next week

dean's like yeah, fair, i did not expect that

perhaps not a great idea though

ah well

in the ring, here's alexa

in a sleeveless silver jacket that i would so totally wear

now maryse isn't on the show, i'll just have to steal alexa's wardrobe ideas

alexa thinks of all of us as her personal friends, and she's very disappointed in us

for not appreciating her victory

and looking forward to asuka too much

and here's...mickie?

god, this division is so arbitrary with who the next contender's going to be

apparently alexa said some uncomplimentary things about her on raw talk

i was busy not watching it

in my defence, it had 100% more lawler than i need in my day

alexa is just doubling down on the sarcastic praise of mickie

can't really narrate it, because we all know how sarcasm works in text

damn this restrictive medium

alexa's like hey i would fight you, but i don't want you to break a hip

mickie comes back by making fun of alexa's boobs

class

she wants alexa to repeat what she said on raw talk or fuck off

oh, apparently it was calling her an old lady

alexa repeats, gets kicked out of the ring

yet more hype for roman/miz

i am resolutely unhypened

but up next, seth/sheamus

after this asuka advert

still with the sun tzu quote for whatever reason

here comes seth, still burning it down

i love the person in the crowd with a giant milk carton sign with MISSING above a picture of cesaro sans teeth

sheamus is in full kkb gear, cesaro's just in a grey suit and aviators, which mostly has the effect of making him look like pitbull

cue slideshow of the match at no mercy

including the spot that should totally have been the finish

ooh, apparently cesaro's teeth were pushed up into his gums rather than out

ouch

not that i ever really trust wwe's descriptions of injuries, tbh

seth suicide dives sheamus, takes a moment to mock cesaro, eats an irish curse for his trouble

sheamus gets seth up in a stretch muffler, which is a move that seems to have undergone something of a resurgence just recently

and then into a cloverleaf

eventual rope break, but that did not look fun

speaking of moves that are coming back, seth gets a punt to the face

sheamus and cesaro take a moment to grandstand, giving seth time to dodge the eventual brogue

sheamus goes to the top rope, seth meets him downstairs with a gut kick, kingslayer for the pin

which apparently they're calling the ripcord knee now?

well w/e

up next, talking about cena

yaaaay

after more ads for our other shows

and now finn's backstage

runs into goldust, who's got his mojo back

goldust takes issue with finn positioning him as a victim and someone who needs help

a view you might recognise from previous editions of this blog

hi, dustin

finn apologises, goldust accepts but then punches him in the face a bunch

quotes godfather 2 at him, breathes in his face, leaves

but now it's time to talk about cena/reigns

have this slideshow in which we try and make it look way more dynamic than it atually was

and the clip from raw talk with cena being magnanimous

which i did watch, thanks to the miracle of...THE INTERNET

*internet theme plays*

(answers on a postcard what you think that would be)

video package ends, we move on

really thought we were gonna get something more than just replays of last night

but hey

nexg up, roman/miz

after this advert for story time and title card about how wwe's the best at twitter

here's roman, nobody cares

case in point: i spent his entire entrance staring blankly at my facebook feed before realising i should probably say something

a+ journalism

as i type that, enter the miz in a delightful silver lamé sheath

and also his minions in human clothes

bell rings, miz kicks off by trying to talk his way out of this match

makes the point that nobody really has anything to gain from this entirely meaningless match, and he's not wrong

roman accepts the handshake, then punches him a lot

such mixed messages

miz gets out of the ring and hides behind his dudes to rant, roman stands there and laughs douchily because his current gimmick is 'You know that smug fucker who's in your friend group for no reason you can really establish and whom you could quite happily punch in his big grinning twat face? Yeah, him."

miztourage are continually interfering whenever they're more than about five degrees from the ref's eyelines

wwe refs are like the shitty starting enemies in any stealth game

roman's selling an injured back, corey waxes lyrical about sciatica

as you do

and then takes the chance while roman's getting kicked in the face to say 'xiphoid process'

superman punches to all three heels, giving miz time to get away

that last line spoken in the voice of sandra bullock

(yeah, esoteric references)

miz eats a driveby, hits a big ddt for a nearfall

roman counters a finale into a spear, pin, #romanwinslol

the miztourage immediately come in to kick the shit out of roman

they'll be a long time at it

he is so full of shit

fights them off, superman punches miz again, stops to taunt him

sets up to powerbomb him, curtis and bo hit him with chairs

oh yeah, we're setting up for the furniture PPV

makes sense i guess

miz hits a finale, gloats

end thing]

or not

miz decides he didn't get to take part in ç, runs back to the ring to give roman some

and then another finale onto a chair

hits him with another chair, then the three of them do the shield fists over him

good moment

speaking of things that are not that, enzo's brouhaha is coming later

but next, finn/goldust

after this ad for 2k18

and nxt

back in the room, goldust is here and i've only just realised how much his music reminds me of music from freespace 2

*does the arms*

wait, does this mean we're having enzo's dick party as the main event?

well, i guess that means something eventful will happen

and it'll presumably be in the form of everything going wrong for him

this match just went really quickly into both of them being really vicious

finn's like i'll be helpful and magnanimous and shit, but if you cross me i will fucking end you

seems reasonable

goldust is floored by a pele kick to the air a couple inches above his shoulder

followed by a really sloppy sling blade

who do i blame for this

and then, despite selling hurt ribs, hits a coup de grace for the win

i know when i've hurt my ribs, i like to concertina my body onto another human from a significant height

wyatt cut, house lights go out, creepy child singing

wyatt cut again, end thing

huh

apparently later we have sasha/bayley v nia/emma

and here's bayley and sasha backstage

tension abounds

they both try and passive-aggressively semi-apologise for fighting over the belt last night

and bayley tells a sad story about her shoulder trauma and physiotherapy

they bond, end thing

and now here's kurt backstage

enzo accosts him, kurt has the facial expression any of us would have when accosted in a corridor by enzo amore

enzo wants a stipulation for his party

anyone touches him, they lose any shot at the belt

kurt's like fine whatever please go away

"Oh, and one more thing: you're annoying as hell. Annoying. As. Hell."

kurt angle, speaking for all of us

time for the women's match now

here's noa

or indeed nia

Pro Wrestling NOAH Jax

have a hispanic heritage month thing for julio cesar chavez

just under the bar before we run out of month

back in the room, emma's here, as is her excruciating new music

what are cfo$ even on atm

and now sasha in her matador jacket

and bayley in a cancer charity tshirt, because if one wrestler was going to wear one, it'd be her

did we really need that slowmo footage of bayley's shoulder shitting the bed?

this match presented by novartis, because we at dubby dubby wee are 100% cure there could be no problem with emphasising the link between wrestlers and pharmaceuticals

nia leg drops bayley's bad arm, which is a move that would look nasty as hell on an uninjured arm

bayley throws emma into nia, ensuing tension gives her time for a hot tag

sasha and bayley both outside doing some strong team work, bayley runs nia into the post

emma almost gets a rollup, eats a bayley to belly off a blind tag for the pin

that was...functional?

as long as the intended function is continuing the shittening of emma, i guess

backstage, enzo rants at strangers like a homeless methhead

guess what we've got next

after this ad for raw in denver with rollins/strowman and roman/miz for the belt (why?)

enzo arrives, corey commences to rage against them taking the belt away from the best thing in the division and giving it to "essentially a Muppet"

and now he's trying to convince booker to cover for him while he sneaks off

wait, can i do that?

daniel?

...

daniel is gone

touché

enzo's doing a speech

and he's personifying the belt as a woman again

essay question: Are there objects or status symbols that Enzo Amore *doesn't* want to put his dick in?

[30 marks]

mocks cass for getting injured, rails at the fans

compares himself to cena, batista and the rock

unveils his baseball jersey which he's had framed

mocks 205 live

...is he still a face?

i have no idea

cue the 205 theme music

and the entire fucking cruiserweight roster pouring out onto the stage

he starts talking again, they all stand on the stage looking just beyond done with him

mocks rich for dancing and cedric for having no charisma, they're both just like dude have you seen yourself

calls gran metalik fat

"I call it how I see it, right?"

the clarion call of the douchebag everywhere

mocks jack, drew and noam for...unclear reasons, is interrupted by neville's entrance

uses the phrase 'real man', i reach through time and the television to slap him in the face

makes fun of neville's ears

this is some incisive material right here

neville gets on the mic, so i'm happy

calls enzo out for being a toxic shitbag who's alienated everyone he's ever met

fair

spins us a tale of how enzo was dumped on the division's doorstep and the rest of the division convinced him to keep him

and does a superlative rant at him for making the division into a joke

and announces he's here to kill enzo on behalf of the whole division

enzo pulls out his piece of totally legally binding paper

which may in fact be a post-it note?

talks shit at him some more, continues to mock everyone in the division

tells him to fuck off

neville thinks fuck it, i have principles, kicks him in the stomach

and throws him into his framed douchebag jersey

and also everything else

enzo tries to run, the entire roster walks up the ramp to block him in

this is some heartwarming shit right here

neville catches him again, resumes the murder

feeds him his piece of paper, kicks him in the head to raucous applause

this is the greatest double turn ever

red arrows him so hard he does a full handspring out of it

and we fade on a fallen douchebag with a mouth full of paper as a conquering king breathes heavily on him

as all great works of literature do

right, since daniel's not here i guess i need to do the technical bits

which lever is it that switches tapes to smackdown

gonna try this one

----------------------------------------

Well, let's all just accept that that was not the correct lever to pull and try and move on

daniel got back just in time to get my leg out of the tape deck

also he brought sushi, so is forgiven for being slightly late for the second show

with all that said, let's get on with some THURSDAY AFTERNOON SMACKDOWN!

(okay, daniel was *very* late)

i'm only a week and a bit behind, i've done worse

although hiac is on sunday, and i'm going out tomorrow and saturday

this could be fun

need to watch a week and a bit of wrestling in like a day an a half

woooooo

anyway, the show's starting with a recap of vincegate

and shane talking about how great the mcmahons are

and somehow being a face, despite the fact that the mcmahons are just objectively the worst

and everything kevin has done is totally proportional

speaking of, here he comes in the present

(the present time, that is)

(kevin owens has not been giftwrapped)

just had that smackdown moment of remembering how good the announce panel is

or at least it should be, if tom could remember how to speak english

we're like two minutes into the show and he's cocked up three times

kevin gets in, calls shane out

and also everybody who called him a coward

like sure, i wasn't here last week, but now i am and shane's nowhere to be seen hmmmmmmm

calls shane a very smart man

[citation needed]

kevin claims to personally like vince, so that should get some heel heat

and he's like look what i did to someone i respect and like, so how much will i fuck you up, you twat

on a related note, here comes sami

looking serious

steps in and just straight asks kevin what is wrong with him

like dude, we hav our problems but you are seriously off the rails here

apparently this feud is going to destroy kevin's career and also his life and family

kevin's like yeah w/e you're just jealous

sami is despondent

some people just can't be helped

no kevin, don't draw our attention to the fact that shane mcmahon is going to be headlining hiac

kevin argues sami has never done anything as important as him headbutting vince

sami comes back like yeah, while this is all technically true, you're a cheating fucker

sami will have his day and it will be beautiful and wholesome

(when all of current creative have died)

calls kevin trash, both drop their mics and square up

here comes bryan to interfere

confirms that shane is not here, and might not turn up tonight

a+ commissioning there

proposes kevin/sami tonight

well that'll be original

oh, who cares

i mock, but every one of their 84736395 matches has been great

end thing

later we have a pride of bulgaria celebration

apparently

and also dillinger/corbin next

after this ad for new day/usos at hiac

which is so going to be the best match again

and the first of many plugs for the hiac theme

by a band i've actually heard of for once

and here's baron

i think they've tweaked his music again?

i don't remember this many vocals on it

but it's possible i just stopped paying attention when baron came on screen

roll recap vt of the ongoing feud

tbf, i don't mind this new music of baron's

it's kind of shitty nu metal, but he's a shitty nu metal kind of person

and here's tye

i miss his alien waistcoat

(five words i have never said before)

and also here's aj for some reason

possibly just to show up both of their themes by being so much better

tye throws baron over the ropes while he's looking at aj

cue ad break

during which the heel has had a bunch of offence

funny how that works

the internet confirms that baron's music is new as of this ep

good to know i'm not completely unreliable

meanwhile, tye is wrestling a good match and baron is being baron

and aj is on announce

baron gets chased outside, ends up face to face with aj and throws his bottle of water over him

and then throws tye at him

and tye loses to a weirdly fast countout

so that happened and wasn't bullshit at all

aj runs into the ring, baron fucks off like a shitty nu metal motorbike wolf guy type

oh, he's sticking around

gets up to the stage, decides to get a mic and head back down to taunt aj

claims aj can only win with help, because he apparently hasn't been watching wrestling in the last decade

challenges him for the belt at hiac

end thing

another ad for the pride of bulgaria celebration

during which rusev will apparently receive the key to the city of plovdiv

which sounds like the shit i'd make up, but it's actually what they said

anyway, next it's jinder being just the worst

after an ad for total bellas

and a recap of all the shit that just happened with aj and baron

and confirmation of their hiac match, if we needed it

but now here's the indian contingent

flanking jinder

(sick burn)

this week jinder is apparently here to compliment shinsuke

oh, no, he's going to laugh at his face some more

who wrote this angle

and who didn't fire them

ha

as they were laughing at one picture, he started moving

THE FEED IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE BUILDING

shinsuke announces his presence, cue the best entrance

jinder freaks out, the singhs rush him and get beaten up

allowing jinder to come from behind and  slam shinsuke into things

like he does so...

well, like he does

shinsuke fights back, beats up all three and kinshasas jinder

end segment, hire new writers

apparently tonight will be the first owens/zayn match on smackdown live

this is the only reason they rebranded, so they could make that matchup fresh again

up next, hype bros/usos

and here come the new day, who are notably neither of those teams

they've brought popcorn and snacks

presumably to lurk and be hilarious for this match

after this cancer ad

i'm not convinced by the SUPER DELUXE FURNITURE KALEIDOSCOPE graphics for tlc

better or worse than HANDS AND SKUUUUUUUULLS

hard to say

but i think the designer of both needs to calm the fuck down a bit

back from ads, the bros are already in but the usos get an entrance

new day are in the front row of the crowd

but e still has binocualrs

bell rings, the usos immediately kick a significant percentage of the shit out of mojo

new day start a mojo chant, giving him enough of his namesake back to get a hot tag

looked away to answer the phone, came back thirty seconds later to see the usos get the pin

why is this such a ppv setup show when there's another week to go

usos get mics, go over to call the new day out

e produces a mic from his box of popcorn, because of course he fucking does

new day clap back, xavier challenges them to a cell match

that match will be every flavour of bonkers, and i am very excited for it

corey's like well we have to wait and see whether it gets made official

because apparently he doesn't know how wrestling challenges work

but up next, plovdiv pride

wait, i'm being told that that may not mean what i think

after this ad for raw

and here's aiden?

in a lovely suit

he's emceeing the party

what a cravat

(actual cravat for once)

and he has the mayor of plovdiv with him

huge if true

aiden does a big hype piece for rusev, he comes to the ring as aiden sings the national anthem

crowd boo and do usa chants, because dicks

okay, imma have to look up the bulgarian national anthem and see if this is actually it

if it is, props to aiden

well, at least half the crowd held the boos until after the national anthem

okay, one research break later i can confirm that someone in dubby dubby wee actually did their homework this time

the mayor is reading from a scroll kindly held by aiden

in bulgarian, obv

boos resound

i caught some of it, because it's quite similar to russian

repeats the speech in english for the cheap seats

and apparently september 26th is now rusev day

add that to your calendars

i didn't mention it, but rusev is wearing a natty waistcoat and on a bulgarian flag podium throughout

rusev thanks the mayor, replays the vt of his nine-second win over randy

plovdiv has the cheapest-ass key to the city i've ever seen

and believe me, i've seen the keys to many cities

rusev repeats his claim to have ripped out randy's fangs

p sure i'd remember that

it's apparently his jungle now

which is handy, because nobody had said anything about a jungle before now

aiden has a rusev day song he wrote for us

randy appears out of the crowd to rko aiden mid-flow

and then i thought for a minute he rko'd the mayor as well

but rusev had pushed him out of the way and gallantly taken the fall for him

there's way more nationalism on this episode than i'm comfortable with, ftr

but now, sami gets called into bryans office/curtain corridor/upholstery and poster shop

apparently shane is on his way

sami wants him to hold off so he can beat on kevin himself

bryan will see what he can do

but up next, charlotte/carmella

after this ad for 2k18

and yet another total bellas plug

and now randy's in a corridor

accosts renee, rather than the other way round for once

gives her a challenge for rusev at hiac if she sees him

wishes her a happy rusev day, leaves

and now we're back in the room

with charlotte

but still no peacock robe

booo

really long recap vt of charlotte/nattie

when it could be summed up with 'she's a hart, she's a flair, not gonna go well'

carmella arrives with her briefcase and her boo on his leash

which she then fastens to the turnbuckle

i have no clue what they're trying to go for with this, but i'm enjoying it

tom's like corey, you're down with the alternative kids, the fuck is this about

carmella distracts the ref with deviously detachabale jewellery, letting ellsworth push her off the turnbuckle

which was kind of charlotte's own fault for going up the turnbuckle her enemy's minion was chained to, tbh

carmella hits her with a dodgy-ass crossbody

charlotte kind of had to jump into it to take the bump

and after a functional few minutes, carmella eats a superkick for the pin

this remains such a ppv setup show

what will we do next week

now here’s nattie in new gear

even more transparent than usual

she's like hey char good to know your dad's ok he can watch me kick you to death at hiac lollllll

grin, end thing

this episode, snickers brings us the debut of cena for some unstated reason

but more importantly, fashion files returns next week

and by next week, i do of course mean two days ago

time, eh?

and...

undertaker bongs?

whaaaaaa

oh wait, it'll be dolph

the announce team are all buying into it because of course they are

oh hey, corey's got his number

just like really dolph the fuck is wrong with you

while this is true, the big hat kind of suits him

the crowd twigs, they hate him

he's like come on guys, did you really think you'd see taker twice in one year

which is fair

i need a gif of him going "Ahhhhh, the 90s" there

halfway through his usual rant about how anyone can gimmick, here's a walking gimmick to...prove his point?

anyway, it's bobby roode

i could cheerfully slap both men in this feud

bobby gets into the ring, calls dolph out for being a hypocrite

someone had to

are they trying to angle him as a kind of face-of-the-people babyface here?

cos that's just weird after his nxt run

challenges dolph for hiac

crowd chant for it, dolph's like i don't give a shit guys, shut up

dolph accepts, tries to do the rest in peeeeeeacehmgrlfrgn, bobby shuts him up so he can say glorious some more

but now, main event time

all the matches in this episode have been functional at best, so hopefully this'll pick it up

after this ad for 205 and a recap of all the shit that went down with enzo

and here's a sami

specifically zayn

although i do kind of want him to ride a eindeer to the ring

and here's kevin, no bullshit

bell rings, mutual pummelling begins

these guys are fighting like they're very aware that another segment overran and they don't have a lot of time

so they're just having the same match, but sped up like 20%

sudden cut to another feed, shane is in the building

back in the ring

kevin dodges a crossbody into a beautiful superkick

clip from the ad break of sami hitting a brainbuster on kevin on the apron

okay, yeah, these guys are elevating it

sami jumps over a popup attempt, counters into a blue thunder bomb

kevin dodges a helluva kick, so sami hits an absolutely brutal tope on him instead

and by 'on him' i do of course mean 'largely on his own ankles'

goes for a torpedo ddt, kevin blocks with another superkick

lovely timing there

and hits the apron powerbomb

at which point the ref calls for the bell

because apparently that move was worse than sami's apron brainbuster?

enter some medics to do helpful yet unspecified medical stuff

sami tries to fight them off while being functionally dead in his usual 'dead fish who will fucking have you' style

kevin sits on the announce table watching all this, then decides he sitll has more rage to vent, and bodychecks through sami and all the medics

and now he has a chair

KEVIN OWENS OF EARTH.

YOU HAVE GREAT RAGE IN YOUR HEART.

puts the chair around sami's neck, sets him up to throw him into the post, and HERE COMES THE MONEEEEEEEY

shane mcmahon, a man of deep principles who will only intervene when one of his employees is inches from death

kevin throws sami at him, hitting him in the face with his chair necklace, and runs away

another average day in the life of kevin 'maladjusted preteen' owens

everything focuses on shane and kevin staring at each other between the ring and the top of the stalls, and corey's like ummmm should someone maybe check on sami?

and we fade with that question still hanging in the air

but hey, sami'll be fine

we all know those two are like those irritating paired bosses in every rpg where you have to kill them at the same time or they'll just keep bringing each other back

nothing short of a complete detonation of canada will stop them

and on that bombshell, good night!

(i hate myself)