#i hate this country so much i hate our dependence on driving like new england is small and not built for cars to the same degree

[quatregats]

Hmmm I have been looking into the Boston & Maine Railroad for Reasons™ and reading about this is breaking my heart, like passenger rail service basically stopped being viable in the 1920s because of automobiles and most of the rail network is gone at this point, which makes me want to bite things, but also I’m looking at maps of what the lines used to be and yes I do get that this was the only form of transport but I would kill a man to get extensive rail service between Boston, Montreal, Halifax, and most of Vermont/New Hampshire/Western Mass the way that it was when these lines were in service. Like idk we talk a lot about how we want to make sure that rural areas are also served by public transit and that we want rail lines to more areas of the country and stuff and I’ve heard criticism about the disturbance/difficulty of creating those lines but the lines are literally there!!! There is infrastructure in place that you can build new lines over and it’ll serve the whole entire Northeast and it makes me so angry that we don’t get to have that because Cars™

[let-it-raines]

I Hope We Never See October (2/?)

When his personal life and football career go up in flames, Killian Jones escapes England for America, finding seclusion in Martha’s Vineyard in order to hide from his demons. It’s a fresh start, or at the very least a paused moment in his life, and all he needs is a few months alone to allow his heart to heal. He doesn’t count on meeting Emma Swan.

Emma’s life depends on tourists who come to the island every summer. It’s how she makes her money working in restaurants and clubs across the vineyard, but every year, she cannot wait until autumn comes and her life returns to normal. She especially cannot wait for Killian Jones to leave.

Rating: Mature

a/n: Thank you guys for reading the first part of this! I cannot say enough how much I appreciate all of you and how glad I am little things like this bring you guys joy! Thanks to @resident-of-storybrooke for reading over these words. ❤️

AO3: Beginning | Current

Tumblr: One | Two 

-/-

“Emma, the couple at table two wants to talk to you, and the woman at table seven has a complaint about the quiche. Something about there being eggs in them.”

Emma groans and closes her laptop to look at Ashley, one of the new waitresses she hired this summer. She’s good, courteous, and she’s always here on time. Emma is going to hate to lose her for a few weeks when she has her baby, but come hell or high water, the girl is getting maternity leave even if Emma can’t manage more than three weeks without the owner getting involved and likely trying to fire all of them. She deserves months more than that, but Emma can’t change the system.

It’s a shit system, especially for moms.

“They don’t want eggs…in their quiche? Are you serious?”

“She’s vegan and claims she’s been misled.”

Emma rolls her eyes and stands from her chair. She pulls her jean shorts down, the frayed edges covering just a little more thigh, and unties the bottom of her button-down. She probably needs to start dressing up more for this job, but she can’t be bothered. She managed to wear her Blue Dog Tavern polo last week, so that seems like enough effort. “We have symbols on the menu to indicate dietary restrictions, but this isn’t really a restaurant for dietary restrictions beyond one or two items. I’ll deal with it. Thanks, Ashley.”

It’s Sunday morning, which is their second busiest time after Friday and Saturday nights, and the Blue Dog is packed. It’s all hands on deck this morning, but Emma was hoping to get some scheduling and produce ordering done in her office during it. But this is a restaurant, so of course there’s never any time for a breather when she needs it the most. She’ll finish all that later, she guesses, because she has a feeling neither of these conversations are going to be a short one.

And she’s right about that. The woman hating on the quiche pitches a fit and demands her money back before threatening to sue the place and, quite frankly, threatening to cut off Emma’s legs, and Emma has to resolve that without losing her cool when all she wants to do is punch jerks like that straight across the jaw. Then the couple at table two asks her to run through every item on the menu and whether or not everything is organically sourced.

They serve fried mac and cheese balls at ten in the morning and have kitschy, slightly tacky artwork nailed onto the darkly stained wood. If you eat outside on the patio, you get a nice view of people taking off a little more than they should while sunbathing on the surrounding beaches and docked boats. There’s also the occasional ferry that drives by and blows a loud horn that tourists seem to get a kick out of. Do they really think everything is organically sourced?

God, sometimes she really hates tourists.

This is a nice place, though. It’s not somewhere you go for fine dining, but their brunch is divine, it’s got a good atmosphere, and the new bartenders she’s hired this summer make better drinks than you can get at any reasonably priced bar in a ten-mile radius. She likes this little part of the island, and even though she hates tourists, they do fund her entire life. So maybe she hates them a little less than usual when the paychecks roll in.

Today is not a day where the paycheck is rolling in.

Emma notices some of the tables are a little slow, so she picks up the slack, getting drinks and refills and checking on meals. It keeps her on her feet for most of the morning and through the lunch rush, but when it’s over, she collapses on a stool at the end of the bar.

“Chip, can you get me a coffee?” she asks without looking up. “I don’t care what milk or creamer you put in it as long as you don’t bring it to me black. Though, I think I need the caffeine so badly that I’d drink it. I don’t know why I agreed to work the late dinner shift at The Oaks last night. I’m exhausted.”

When she doesn’t get a response, she looks up for Chip. He’s nowhere to be seen, and when she checks her phone schedule, she realizes it’s his break time. Of course it is.

“Lass, I don’t believe the barkeep is here anymore.”

“Yeah, it’s his break, but I can help you. What’s your poison?”

“The coffee you’re having.”

Emma nods and turns to look at the man talking to her, and if she wasn’t so tired, she would have recognized the voice a hell of a lot faster than she did. A lot of different accents pass through this place, but he’s the first British one in awhile. Also the first one to show up in her backyard. Or the Fishers’ backyard, technically, but she’s been renting it for long enough for it to feel like her own even if she’s changed very little of the furniture and decorations outside her bedroom.

Killian. She thinks that was his name. Honestly, she’s surprised she remembers anything because she was in such a rush to get to work that she didn’t have time to deal with all the people at her house. But he was unexpected and attractive – she’s not blind to attractive men no matter what Ruby and Mary Margaret think – and he threw her off for a minute. He looked familiar, but she has no idea why. There’s no way she would have met him before.

But she also doesn’t care. She’s got a gut feeling that she needs to watch out for him, that there’s something that’s not right, and him being at her job is proving that to her. What are the odds that he’d wander in a few days after meeting her when she’s pretty sure he’s never been here before?

Then again, maybe that’s why he’s familiar. It’s June. A lot of people come through here, and she’s not going to remember all their faces. Sometimes she does, though, in the back of her mind where vague, slightly blurry memories reside.

“Sure thing,” Emma sighs, standing from the stool. “Do you have a server?”

“Aye. Heather, I believe, but…”

“But she’s on her phone.” Emma shakes her head. “My boss’s niece. Not much I can do about it, but I’ll get you your coffee, a water, and take your order right away.”

He nods, going back to his own phone, and Emma takes that as her cue to get behind the bar and start making some coffee. She doesn’t usually work this machine, so it takes her a minute to get it right all while she feels Killian staring at her.

“Do you need any suggestions on the menu?” Emma asks as the coffee percolates.

“How are the salads?”

“I prefer things with more calories, but they’re good. Our vegetables are fresh, and I personally enjoy the strawberry poppyseed with chicken, but I know not everyone loves fruit in salads.” He hums behind her as his mug fills, and she grabs some milk from the fridge under the sink, turning to show him. “Milk okay?”

“It’s perfect, Swan.” She raises her brows, which he mirrors, until he cocks his head forward and his lips form an obnoxious little smirk. “On the nametag, love.”

“Now, what did I say about being your love?”

“That you’re not.”

“Exactly.” She finishes making his coffee and hands it over. He’s a customer, she reminds herself. She’s got to try to be a little bit nicer than she wants to be. “So, the salad? If you’re looking more toward the healthy options with protein, the grilled chicken breast on its own is fantastic. You get two sides, which you can find at the bottom of the menu.”

He nods and looks at the menu for half a second before looking up. “The salad would be great. Thank you.”

He picks up his mug, pointing it toward her, and Emma takes it as a dismissal so she can put his order in, and hopefully she can get Heather to do her damn job and serve him for the rest of the meal. She doesn’t like that he knows where she lives and works, and even though she doesn’t think Ariel and Eric spend time with shady people, something about him gives her weird vibes.

His face just looks so damn familiar, and usually she’s really good remembering faces. Huh.

And Emma is usually right about these things. He’s likely nothing more than a rich man looking for a break from life by renting out a large house on the island. He’ll spend a week or two, maybe a month depending on his work situation, here, sleep with as many women as he can, and then he’ll go, never thinking of Martha’s Vineyard again. And she’s pretty sure Ariel does something having to do with high-powered people over in London, so he fits the profile. God, she must have seen him before with Ariel or something. That has to be it.

But for now, he’s a customer, and since Heather seems to be completely checked out, Emma guesses she’s going to have to deal with him. After this morning, he won’t be the worst person she has to deal with all day, and since she’s working at The Oaks tonight, she imagines being treated like shit then will outshine all of this.

Why the hell did she decide to pick up so many shifts at The Oaks? It’s a stuffy country club where tips reflecting the price of the meal aren’t even guaranteed, but it’s extra money with a flexible schedule. She’s doing okay on the money front right now, though, and if she were sane, she’d take some time off and relax, maybe enjoy the beach or any of the hundreds of good restaurants around here.

She is obviously not sane.

-/-

“Oh my God,” Emma grumbles as she strips out of her jean shorts, kicking them to the ground before unbuttoning her shirt. “I’m so tired of people.”

“I’m people,” Ruby says. “Nice bra, by the way. The girls look great.”

Emma rolls her eyes, but she does glance down at her boobs and hike them up a bit. They do look great today. “Shut up.” Emma picks up the black dress she has to wear at the country club and slips it over her shoulders. “You know I’m not tired of you.”

“That’s because you’ve barely seen me.”

“Busy. I’m busy. I work way too much. Speaking of that, why the hell aren’t you at work?”

Ruby stands from her couch and grabs her name tag from the end table. “I’m in between shifts. Granny’s in charge downstairs. I have a five-second commute to work, unlike you. Why are you changing here again?”

“Don’t want to run into any of the people at my house.” Emma smooths her dress and turns to Ruby’s mirror to reapply lipstick and put on some mascara. She’s got to wash her hair tomorrow. It’s hanging by on a thread today, if that thread is a little greasy and has a hell of a lot of dry shampoo in it. “But don’t worry, tomorrow, I will be out of your hair as they will soon be out of mine.”

“You know I’m always fine with you being in my business. Mary Margaret and David are coming here for dinner tonight. Any chance you can slip away?”

Emma finishes another coat of mascara. “Can’t. Working until past closing and then heading straight home to sleep in my house of strangers.”

Ruby laughs, carefree as always, and for a moment, the jealousy stings. Ruby has plenty of her own shit going on, but she always handles it with such ease. She’s the most carefree person Emma has ever met, and Emma can’t imagine living like that without way too much alcohol in her system.

“I told you that you could stay with me this week. Have I ever said it’s batshit crazy that they come to visit and are okay with you still staying there? Because that is batshit crazy.”

Emma shrugs and pulls back to take in her appearance. This is as good as it’s going to get. She doesn’t think she’ll be using her looks to get her any tips tonight, which is a crying shame since that’s half the reason she took this job in the first place. She knows exactly how to charm some of the older men into giving her more money by flirting a little, and she’s not ashamed that she has to give away her dignity to do it. She had to hire a dinner-shift manager at the Blue Dog because she was doing the work of two people with the pay of one. Now she’s doing the work of five people with the pay and of one and half people, so obviously she’s winning at life.

“I’m never there, and they seem like good people. I think they’re just glad I actually maintain the place and am slowly but surely getting through some of the renovations.” Emma looks at her hair again and ties it up in a ponytail with the elastic from her wrist. “Any way you can make me a grilled cheese to go?”

“Only if you agree to go to a bar with all of us sometime in the next month.”

“Yeah, fine. Whatever you want.”

God, she hopes Ruby doesn’t remember this conversation. The last thing she wants to do right now is go out with her friends and then end up sitting alone as they all make out with their partners and leave without telling Emma goodbye.

Actually, the last thing she wants to do is go to work again today, but here she goes.

-/-

Emma quietly turns the key in her front door. She saw that the kitchen light was still on from the street, and while the Fishers likely just forgot to turn it off, she doesn’t want to run the risk of seeing them tonight. It’s their last night here, so she only has to make it through one or two more awkward conversations before she has the house to herself. It’ll be just her and the creaky floors. She can collapse on the couch in her dress instead of having to walk all the way up the stairs and make it to her bedroom like a responsible adult.

In another world, Emma would like to own a house like this. It’s charming. That’s the best way to describe it. It’s two floors, three bedrooms, has bay windows and built-in bookshelves, and the cabinets in the kitchen are a light green. She likes that it’s not cookie cutter white all the way around like some of the nicer houses around here. It has character, and though there are a few things she’d change beyond the needed repairs she does for the Fishers, it’s got good bones. Plus, the location is fantastic, and the backyard is spacious. It allows Emma to spend time in the sun without being stuck on a crowded beach or near a busy dock.

But this is not another world, and Emma could never afford a house this close to the coastline. She’s got no idea why she still lives here. Well, that’s not true, she knows exactly why she still lives here, and it’d be possible for her to pick up and move inland toward Boston. She just…she can’t. She’s been here for ten years after leaving her last foster home in Brockton, and it’s been a comfortable reprieve. She’s got her friends and her job(s), and even though she’s got years of hospitality experience, there’s no guarantee someone like her with a GED can get a job this well-paying and accommodating somewhere else. Plus, her housing is almost free, and she really can’t pass that up.

It all comes back to the house, which she’s dreading going into now no matter how much she wants to collapse onto her bed.

(Or the couch. She really misses the couch. It’s the best for napping.)

Emma steps inside, avoiding the places that make the floor groan, but it’s impossible to dodge them all. She tenses, then hurries across the living room toward the stairs, only turning to the opening to the kitchen at the last minute.

“Holy fuck,” Emma gasps, dropping her purse. It hits the ground in a gentle thud, her keys spilling out and clacking along the floor.

“Didn’t mean to scare you there, Swan.”

Emma’s breath hitches as she realizes who it is sitting at her kitchen table.

Killian…whatever his last name is. She’s got no clue and doesn’t care to ask. What she does want to know is why he’s sitting here alone at two in the morning like a fucking serial killer.

“What the hell are you doing here?”

He takes a sip of his drink, coffee she thinks from the smell, and leans back in the chair, the front legs tipping up with him. “Getting sober so I can drive home. Had two drinks with dinner, and it appears I’ve become a bit of a lightweight.”

“Don’t drink much then? I thought all you Brits liked going to the pub.”

He laughs, smile bright against the black of his stubble despite her poor attempt at his accent. “We do, but not so much me anymore. Trying to cut back.”

“Yeah, I get that.” She leans down to pick up her bag, grabbing her keys and tossing them back in. “I also get that we have Uber here. You might want to try that the next time you have a little too much to drink. You look like a murderer sitting in my kitchen like this.”

“It was two glasses of rum, nothing excessive. Wishing Ariel and Eric well before they leave in the morning.” He leans forward, the chair landing on all four legs, and downs the rest of his mug. “I don’t make a habit of drinking too much.”

“I don’t care what you do in your personal time. Just don’t make a mess in my house…or your friends’ house, I guess. And sleep on the couch if you want. There are blankets in the basket.”

She doesn’t know why she’s offering him the couch. She should be making him leave. Her heart is still leaping out of her chest from him scaring her, and even though this has been her home for years, she technically can’t ask him to leave. In reality, Ariel has probably offered him the couch already.

What a long day.

She wants it to be over.

“That’s surprisingly kind of you.”

Emma’s step falters, and while she was turning away from the man, she decides to turn back and narrow her eyes. What the hell is that supposed to mean? “I guess I’m full of surprises for men who don’t know me.”

“Just who are you then, Swan?” he asks, standing from the chair and putting his mug in the sink, turning the faucet on while never losing eye contact.

“Wouldn’t you like to know?”

“Perhaps I would.”

A shiver runs down Emma’s spine, but she ignores it and walks up the stairs. This is a weird week, one she doesn’t want to repeat, and the last thing she needs is to spend too much time with a man who thinks he can charm his way into anything with a few smooth words and a smile. She’s been around enough men like that in her lifetime, but it doesn’t matter with him. Tomorrow, he’ll be gone with Eric and Ariel, and she’ll be back to being able to walk around her house without pants whenever she wants.

Tomorrow, this weird as hell week will be over, and she’ll be back to normal…mostly.

-/-

-/-

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[purplesurveys]

1199

America - What is your favorite place to eat?  I mean...these days I obviously haven’t been eating out at all, but I used to always enjoy dining at either Yabu (for the food) or La Creperie (for the ambience).

Australia - Do you have any quirks when speaking?  I don’t think so; or at least I don’t think I’d be aware of them unless someone points them out to me.

Austria - What kind of person do you wish to be?  What do some (or most) of these questions have to do with the countries? Lmao. Anyway, I just want to be remembered as being kind, I guess. I’m not aiming for anything grand.

Belarus - Is there anyone you love?  I’d do anything for my friends, close or otherwise.

Belgium - What do you think of your siblings? I like my sister; I care about her. I don’t really think much of my brother.

Botswana - Do you like to sing? Why or why not?  Yeah, but I only do it for myself. I never sing in front of others; I don’t think I’m that good.

Bulgaria - Who do you consider close to you?  My two best friends and everyone in my college friend group.

Cameroon - Describe your culture.  Folktales, hundreds of languages, more than just adobo and balut.

Canada - Favorite wintertime activity?  We don’t have winter.

China - What was the best moment of your life?  I don’t think I’ve had it yet; but so far the moments that are in the running for ‘best’ are my Paramore concert in 2018 and the day I found out I passed UP.

Cuba - What sort of grudges do you hold if any?  I haven’t talked to Marielle since the backstabbing incident in 5th grade, and I pretty much don’t talk to my uncle (unless we’re at a family gathering and I have to greet him for show) for all his past failures.

Cyprus - What hands-on activities do you like (drawing, carving, building, etc.)?  Embroidery! which I haven’t done in a long while but I’m definitely still into it.

Denmark - Do you wish for something of your past?  I wish I had more time with my relatives who died from Covid. Even a proper goodbye and a big, long hug from each of them would’ve sufficed.

Egypt - Do you stand up for what you believe in? How?  Sure. I speak up about it, educate others when I can, and raise awareness or reiterate my stance about certain issues by sharing posts on social media.

England - Are you controlling?  Depends on what context you’re talking about, because control can mean many different things. I’m a control freak when it comes to my work tasks and I know that can drive some people mad, especially those who prefer working independently.

Estonia - Do you think people often misunderstand you?  I think I’m pretty easy to read.

Finland - What do you prefer, kindness, sternness, or apathy?  In general, kindness; but I also don’t have any clue to what context these words pertain.

France - How do you show love for those you care for?  I like messaging them about things I see that remind me of them. I will also buy them small gifts from time to time, usually food that I know they like.

Germania - What is the hardest thing you have ever had to do?  Breaking up with Gabie, and accepting the said breakup. Both were equally difficult things to overcome and I’m just happy to be out of that part of my life.

Germany - Do you have a hard time forgiving yourself?  Yes. It takes me a while, if at all.

Ghana - What is our favorite sport?  You mean mine? I like pro wrestling, if that counts.

Greece - Do you let others help you when in need? I do, but I have a hard time asking for help. < Yeah. I will accept help when I finally acknowledge that I need it; but getting to the acknowledgment part can take me a while.

Hungary - Who is the person you trust most?  Either of my best friends.

Hutt River - What is the most memorable dream or nightmare you have had?  Back when I was at a low point I used to have recurring dreams of my girlfriend at the time dying. It sucks for the fact that my most unforgettable dreams are nightmares and for the fact that they all involve her, lol.

Hong Kong - Do you fear death?  Not really. I fear dying in a way that I wouldn’t want to experience, but I don’t fear the actual concept of death.

Iceland - Do you hide your real personality? Why?  I hide some parts from people I don’t know all that well or I’m not that close with; like I obviously wouldn’t have crackhead vibes with my clients at work lol. But outside of that I pretty much act the same way around everyone.

India - How important is family to you?  Quite, but it’s not my be-all and end-all.

Japan - Tell us a secret about yourself.  I don’t really have any. I share everything on this blog, anyway.

Kenya - What is your favorite wild animal?  Elephants.

Korea - What is one thing you accomplished by yourself?  Shooting my shot and landing an internship, and eventually a permanent job, at a company I had no connections with, all while I was heavily depressed and wasn’t really doing anything else to take care of myself. 

Kugelmugel - Is there anyone you have a love-hate relationship with?  My mom and I bicker all the time, but she is my mom.

Latvia - Do you believe you are brave?  I guess so.

Ladonia - What is the internet site you visit most often?  I’d say either Twitter or Facebook.

Liechtenstein - How do people underestimate you most often?  I don’t know if I can answer this; people usually don’t.

Lithuania - Do you desire power?  No. That implies being in the spotlight, which I don’t crave at all.

Macau - What is your favorite festival or celebration?  Christmas, only for the huge amount of food I get to freely eat.

Molossia - Do you consider yourself strong?  Emotionally, yeah. Also what is Molossia?

Monaco - Do you think you are a lucky person?  Not a big believer of luck.

New Zealand - Would you rather be an elf, dwarf, Hobbit, or wizard?  None of these.

North Italy - What is your least favorite part of your personality?  There are some parts to my sensitivity that I don’t really like, like my tendency to overthink remarks that were actually meant to be harmless.

Norway - What was the most disappointing time in your life?  All that time I spent being hung up on Gab and desperately talking to her post-breakup, mostly because of how much I neglected myself then. She was working a night shift then and I remember keeping on waking up at like 1 AM and the first thing on my mind always being to message her and UGH it’s just so embarassing to think about now.

Netherlands - Most generous thing someone has done for you?  That one time Andi half-walked and half-took a trike back to UP at 11 PM after already having gotten home, just to retrieve something I forgot to bring home and was having a breakdown about. It was really embarassing and they bring it up every once in a while to tease me, but we have a good laugh about it now.

Poland - Hardest thing you have gone through?  The breakup and deaths in the family.

Prussia - Would you prefer to live forever or die alone?  Live forever I guess, because I have serious FOMO HAHAHA

Roman Empire - How would you like to be remembered?  Like what I said at the start of this survey, just as someone who had been kind.

Romania - What is something you are very ashamed of?  I don’t think there is anything.

Russia - Have you ever suffered from low self esteem? Do you still?  I used to. Not really anymore. I’m liking myself more these days.

Sealand - Who is your best friend?  Angela and Andi.

Seborga - What is your favorite beverage?  Water or coffee.

Seychelles - How do you handle people being rude to you?  Be mean back, but in a passive-aggressive way.

South Italy - What is your favorite part of your personality?  I like that I’m generous and that I can remember a lot of different small details about everyone.

Spain - What would you tell to the person or people you hurt most if you had a second chance?  That she was right, I ended up being happier without her; and that I hope she can finally sleep well knowing she was right, considering our whole relationship was pretty much built on her wanting to be right about everything.

Sweden - Are you a leader, follower, or independent?  Follower.

Switzerland - Would you consider yourself evil, good, or neutral?  Chaotic neutral.

Thailand - How good is your poker face?  I don’t even understand poker.

Tibet - What do you value most?  Friendships, and my happiness.

Taiwan - What do you think of the people or person who raised you?  Grateful.

Turkey - Would you ever want children?  That would be nice, in a few years.

Uganda - How would you like others to see you?  I answered this question like twice already. It still applies hahaha.

Ukraine - What is one thing that has made you stronger in life?  The difficulties I was able to overcome.

Vietnam - What is something you are proud of about yourself?  ^ Those.

Wy - What kind of art do you like?  Paintings and films.

Zimbabwe - Who is your favorite character from any folklore?  I don’t like folktales.

[bellemorte180]

Wanderlust Epilogue

One Year Later

Klaus walked down the streets of London, the city still waking from a deep sleep on an early Saturday morning. He weaved in and out of the few people he passed, his umbrella in hand; knowing that the skies could open at any given moment. A small smirk played on his lips as he saw the double decker bus drive past and stopped at the cross walk. He had forgotten just how much he missed this city when he fled it nearly sixteen years earlier. He took a deep breath, feeling the slight summer chill that only an early morning in England could bring; not able to stop the smile that spread across his face.

For the past eight months, Klaus found himself living in the city and found that he held no regrets on choosing to relocate. He found a decent sized terraced house in the middle of the city and for the first time in his adult life, Klaus touched his inheritance from his mother and Mikael in order to buy it. It was close enough to his siblings that he saw them more frequently than he had before; finding that both a blessing and a curse.

He saw Rebekah and Elijah the most. Rebekah worked in London and he discovered that being near her helped him grieve the loss of his friend. When Klaus was in New Orleans, helping a grieving Celeste mourn her grandson, Rebekah showed up on her doorstep; silently doing what she could to help. She arranged the funeral when Celeste broke down; even sitting quietly on the porch in the southern heat, listening as Celeste spoke about Marcel in excruciating detail. Klaus could hear Rebekah cry herself to sleep on those nights; doing something he had not don’t since Rebekah was a small child, Klaus went into her room and held her until she fell asleep. Neither spoke on it but the siblings held a silent agreement; Marcel was someone they both loved and lost. It was in that moment he knew that he wanted to be more involved with their family than he had been in the past.

Despite the fact that Elijah, his wife Katerina and their now eighteen-month-old daughter lived just outside the city limits, he would often make the drive to see them. His life had changed completely, and he honestly could not help but think back to where he was a year previously. He was in such a complete dark place that he thought that he would never be able to dig himself out. He would be lying if he said that he was completely healed but life was better now that he stopped diving into the mind of serial killers and stopped punishing himself for Mikael’s sins.

And then there was her.

Klaus paused on a corner that stood before a small café that specialized in early morning tea. Despite being back in England, Klaus was still a coffee drinker and it was a habit that Elijah couldn’t break in him; not that he tried that hard, enjoying teasing his younger brother on his drink of choice rather than breaking it. Klaus gazed at the café and the woman who sat there with a brown dog that was waiting patiently at her feet.

Her hair was shorter than the last time he saw her; resting just above her chin. She was skinnier than he remembered but he knew that she was still having nightmares; more frequently as the one-year anniversary of Matt’s death approached. She was in a blue sundress, a white cardigan and sandals; she had never looked more beautiful to him, although he said that every time, he laid eyes on her after being apart for some time.

“Caroline!” Klaus called, not caring about the dirty looks he got by those who passed by him. He knew she hated being approached unexpectedly, with good reason, so Klaus always made sure to announce his presence when he saw her. Caroline popped her head up, a wide smile gracing her features. The dog perked his head up and started wagging his tail widely; unable to run to Klaus due to his leash.

He crossed the street and walked up to her; Caroline all but bounced out of her seat. She threw her arms around his neck and Klaus pulled her close to him. He inhaled her scent and just basked in the feeling of having her in his arms again; it had been three months since he had seen her last, a small weekend trip to Barcelona in order to celebrate being off his probationary period at his new job.

“I wondered when you would show your face.” Caroline teased him with a wide smile. Her blue eyes sparkled with happiness and mirth; something that he loved to see. While Caroline was always beautiful to him, happiness only enhanced that loveliness. “A woman does not like to be kept waiting.”

“My apologize. I had to kick my other girlfriend out of the townhouse.” Klaus teased, knowing perfectly well how empty his house typically was. Caroline rolled her eyes and stood on her tiptoes and kissed him gently, letting her lips linger against his. “I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too.” Caroline whispered softly before pulling away and sitting down on the chair. Enzo, who was still wagging is tail and waiting to be acknowledged began to whine. Klaus smiled and bent down to pet the dog, who was now trying to lick Klaus’s face. “Enzo, down. Behave.” Enzo didn’t listen and if Klaus was honest, he didn’t mind. He would never mention it aloud, but he had grown rather fond of the mutt and whenever Caroline made the trip to London, he was just as excited to see the brown dog as he was the dog’s master. Klaus gave Enzo one last pat before taking a seat across from Caroline. “I ordered you a black coffee and got a really nasty look from the server. I think she mentioned about something being a bloody American?”

“Well, Love. She wouldn’t be wrong.” He reached across the table and gripped her hand; his eyes spying the never-ending pink suitcase that had been Caroline’s constant companion for the past year. It wasn’t that Caroline fled Mystic Falls but for the past several months, but she had taken every single work trip that was tossed her way; rarely staying in one place for a long period of time. The wanderlust that she always had resurfaced with full force. Klaus knew that she was trying to prove something, not just to herself, but to Matt as well. “It’s one of the many things I love about you.”

Caroline’s face flushed red and Klaus smiled so wide that his dimples became pronounced as the server came back with their two coffees and what looked like a muffin for Caroline. Klaus remembered the exact moment he knew for sure that he loved her. He had spent four months in New Orleans, helping Celeste and just trying to figure out where he was going in life. During that time, he spoke with Caroline almost on a daily basis. Three weeks after Marcel’s funeral, she made the trip down to see him; unable to stand Mystic Falls any longer and the chaos that was left in the wake of Matt’s death.

Celeste insisted on meeting the woman she claimed captured his heart; a fact that Rebekah had teased him mercilessly on. Although Rebekah refused to admit that she adored Caroline and the friendship that bloomed between them slightly terrified Klaus. Then one night he awoke alone in the bed, terrified that Caroline had another nightmare. She had but what he found broke his heart. In the middle of Celeste’s kitchen, he found Caroline comforting the old woman as she broke down over the loss of Marcel. Celeste spent the majority of her time in tears and its part of the reason why Klaus stayed in New Orleans for so long. Caroline was suffering and barely hanging on by a thread and yet, she spent her evening comforting someone else. Seeing her hold Celeste’s hand and just listening had an impact on Klaus that he never experienced.

The love he felt for her hit him like a tidal wave.

“I love you too.” Caroline leaned across the table and gave him another kiss. The kiss lingered for a bit longer than either one intended, but it had been three months since they last saw one another, and Klaus was unsure how long Caroline would be in London; for she did not give him an exact time frame. Caroline pulled away and went back to eating her muffin. “So, how is working treating you?”

“It’s good. Really good. The beauty about white collar crime is that it is never boring, but I’m home every day no later than six.” Caroline brightened at the news. When Klaus landed the job with Scotland Yard’s white-collar division, no one was more excited than Caroline. “And having the weekends off is nice too.”

“I agree.” They shared a small smile, knowing full well that Klaus would take a weekend and go to whatever country in Europe Caroline was in at the time; given that it was a train ride away. The memories they created, far away from Mystic Falls where some that he held dear. “Look at you, working nine to five and staying in one place. I’m proud of you.”

“Well, not all of us can jet set off around the world.” Klaus teased her back and Caroline laughed, a sound that he dearly loved to listen too. Klaus made a promise to himself that he would hear her laugh at least once every day, even when they were in different countries. After everything she had been through, Klaus thought it was only just that she had as much laughter in her life as possible. “How was the train ride in from Paris? I would have picked you up at the station.”

“I know but my train left early and plus, I like meeting you at a random café. It’s our thing.” It was their thing. Wherever she was, they would meet at a small café of her choosing and they would have coffee together in the morning before spending their weekend together; or longer depending on the trip she was on. “That and I might have told you a slight fib.”

“Oh?”

“Nothing major…well okay it is major, but I wanted to surprise you.” Caroline told him in a chipper voice that had him narrowing his eyes. “So, about a month ago my boss pulled me into her office. I was already set to do the Paris trip when she gave me an offer. The company wants to expand their London branch and she wanted to know if I would be interested in overseeing it. The job would be more nine to five than what I’m doing now and would require less travel. I mean I would still travel but-”

“What are you saying?” Klaus’s heart began to beat faster and wondered if she meant what he was thinking. He had made it no secret that he wanted to take the next step with Caroline but knew that she needed time to sort out her feelings. She had a rough year and the last thing he wanted to do was push her. “Caroline?”

“I’m moving to London-“ Klaus did not let her finish, having all but leapt across the table to kiss her with far more passion than the kiss they shared earlier had been. Caroline could not help but laugh into his lips nor the bright smile that was on his as they broke apart. “Well, if I was going to get that reaction, I might have told you sooner. You’re going to have to tell your other girlfriend that its over though.”

“There is no other woman, Caroline.” It was a small joke between the two of them and Klaus knew it was born out of the trust between them. Neither Klaus nor Caroline wanted to be with anyone else, but they acknowledged that they were not ready to be completely serious right away. Their friendship and eventual relationship blossomed out of late-night calls, video chats and frequent trips to random cities over Europe. “Are you sure this is what you want? I don’t want to push you. I don’t want you to move to England just for me.”

“I’m not Klaus.” She took his hand. “You are a big incentive for me moving here. Not only that but this job is a big opportunity for me as well. I’m pretty much going to be the boss and that’s is something we both know I’ll excel at.” Klaus full on laughed at hearing her say that. If Caroline was good at anything, it was being in control. “And I don’t like being in Mystic Falls. It’s not home anymore and I just hate being there.”

“I know.” Klaus knew how hard it was for Caroline to be in the town that was home to her own personal monster. There were times when Klaus was getting ready to head to work some mornings and he would get a call from Caroline because she was suffering from a nightmare. Matt was always the center of them, either successful in killing her, her loved ones or even Klaus being the one killed instead of Marcel. The list went on and on; living in Mystic Falls only made it worse. “I just want to know you’re ready to settle. It’s only been a year, Sweetheart.”

“I’ve traveled more this past year than I ever had before. I’ve been to Bulgaria, Russia, Italy, France more times than I can count, and all over the United States. I’m tired and I am ready to stay in one place.” Caroline gave his hand a squeeze. “And I’m ready for more. I’m ready to really be with you. I love you and I’ve known that for a while. I just needed time and you gave that to me.”

“I intend to be your last love Caroline. Take all the time you need.” Klaus told her. He knew that she was it for him. While he hated the way they had met and wished he could take the scabbed over wounds away, he would not trade her for anything. He loved her. His family loved her. He wanted to do all the things a man did with a woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with; he just needed her to be ready.

“I’m ready. I promise.” They shared a smile and Enzo let out a groan; the two of them forgetting that he was there. They looked down at the impatient dog and Klaus nodded. They paid for their small breakfast and Caroline grabbed her suitcase while Klaus rounded up Enzo; the dog overly excited to be moving along somewhere else other than being tied to a chair. Caroline grabbed Klaus’s umbrella and faceted onto her suitcase while Klaus continued to try and calm Enzo down; who now realized he was going on another walk.

Caroline reached for his free hand, linking their fingers together before they headed off down the street. The city was becoming livelier than it had been previously and the pair passed a few people along the way that clearly appeared to be having a bad day; but Klaus did not care. The woman he loved was holding his hand and everything in his life seemed to shine just a tiny bit brighter.

Caroline was coming home.

They reached the house quickly, it only being a fifteen-minute walk from the café and Klaus eagerly let her inside the front door. The first thing to be seen upon walking into the house was a thin staircase that lead up to the second floor. There was an archway that lead into the living room and a long hallway that lead to the kitchen. Klaus bent down and unhooked the leash from Enzo’s collar; letting the dog run wild into the house.

Caroline made her way down to the kitchen, her laugh bouncing off the walls as she watched Enzo run around excitedly after having been on a train for a few hours. Klaus watched as she opened the back door and let the dog run wild in his fenced in back yard; something he had in mind when he bought the house because the idea of Caroline and her dog one day moving in with him was appealing, even if it was nothing more than a day dream at the time.

Klaus watched as Caroline moved around the kitchen, pulling a glass from the cabinet and filling it with the orange juice from the refrigerator. She was speaking to him. He heard her voice, but it was hard for him to focus on the words when she was in his home doing something so mundane as pouring a glass of orange juice and had every intention of staying there for the rest of her life.

“I sold my old house, well, in the middle of it. There is some negotiation on the buyers end but it’s as good as theirs. Mom and Bonnie helped me pack up everything and Mom is going to ship it here over the next few weeks. Now that she is retired, she doesn’t have much going on. Oh, she is coming for Christmas by the way.” Caroline took a drink of her orange juice and continued to prattle on. “The big-ticket items are being given away, except my couch. Yours sucks so whenever mine gets here, we are getting rid of-what are you doing?”

“I love you.” Klaus wrapped his arms around her waist and leaned down to kiss her again. He could listen to Caroline talk a mile a minute about everything under the sun but in that moment, he wanted to kiss her for the first time in their home. The kiss turned passionate and Caroline pressed her body as closely to Klaus as she possibly could. “I really love you.”

Klaus reached down and scooped her up into his arms; slowly lowering them to the ground. Caroline’s back rested against the fluffy rug, that Rebekah helped pick out, that was in front of his sink. Her arms were wrapped around his shoulders as their lips molded together again. She spread her legs in order for Klaus to rest between them; his covered erection making contact with Caroline’s core, her dress having rode up to her waist revealing a lacy white panty set that made Klaus wonder if there was a matching bra that went along with it.

“Klaus.” Caroline muttered out as his lips trailed from her lips down her jaw line. She hissed as his teeth nipped at her earlobe. “Are we really having sex on your kitchen floor? There is a bed upstairs.”

“Our kitchen.” Klaus lightly corrected. “And the beds too far. Next round.”

“Next round?”

“Oh Sweetheart, we’re not leaving this house until at least Monday morning.” With that Klaus leaned down and kissed her again; his hands pushing the white cardigan off her shoulders; Caroline slipping her arms of the of sleeves while Klaus trailed a line of kisses down her collarbone. Caroline moaned as his teeth nipped at the skin right above the bone. Klaus slowly dragged her blue sundress over her breasts revealing a matching strapless bra. He leaned in and kissed the tops of her breasts, his tongue peaking tracing the valley between her breasts. He knew it had been a few months since he last had been with her but having her beneath him again, only confirmed how much he desperately loved her.

His hand made its way up her toned legs and slipped his fingers onto the center of the panties and pulled them down, tossing them over his shoulder. He traced a finger up and down her slit, feeling how wet she was for him. He circled her entrance before slowly pushing a finger inside her. Caroline arched against the hardwood floor; moaning Klaus’s name as she did. He added another finger and then slowly began thrusting them in and out of her. His thumb pressed against the bundle of nerves; causing her to cry out.

“Klaus. Hmm. Don’t stop.” Caroline’s eyes were shut tight and Klaus watched her face with rapid attention. He took in each and every moment of her pleasure; how she bit her lip and how her one had grasped the wooden cabinet, digging her nails into it. He could see her eye fluttering behind her closed eyelids and when the moment the cord snapped inside her, her walls pulsing around his fingers, he watched as her mouth opened; forming an ‘O’ shape. As she slowly climbed down from her eye, a smile graced her lips.

Klaus pulled his fingers from her and Caroline gave a light chuckle. Caroline’s eyes locked with his and she tossed him a coy smile; Klaus only returning it with a dimpled one of his own. He quickly pulled his Henley over his head and tossed onto the ground. He reached down and unbuckled his pants enough for him to pull them just down over his thighs. Caroline opened her arms and Klaus crawled over her, allowing her to wrap her arms around his shoulders. She buried her fingers into his hair and pulled him down for a searing kiss.

Reaching between them, Klaus aligned himself with her entrance and slowly pushed in; not stopping for a condom as he knew that Caroline had an IUD inserted several months ago and neither one of them had any other sexual partners. Caroline whimpered into his ear while Klaus’s jaw slacked at the feeling of her surrounding him again. Allowing themselves a moment to adjust, Klaus pulled out before slowly thrusting back inside. His hips created a soft rhythm that teased and tantalized them both.

“I love you.” Klaus whispered in her ear; her hips meeting him thrust for thrust. “I think I fell in love with you the moment I laid eyes on you. You are so beautiful, strong, and compassionate that I couldn’t help what I feel for you. You’ve took over my senses and brought so much light into my life.” He leaned down and kissed her on the lips again. “I want everything with you. I want to wake up next to you. I want you to be the first thing I see and the last before I go to sleep. I want to hear your laugh when I come home and for you to roll your eyes at me when I do something ridicules”.

“Klaus. Please. I love you too.” Caroline whispered, a series of happy tears pooling in her eyes. She brought his head down to hers, kissing him deeply as she wrapped her legs around his waist; changing the angle of his thrusts ever so slightly. “Don’t stop loving me. Please.”

“All I want to do is love you. I want to love you every day and every night. One day I want marry you and have children with you. I want to hold your hand and grow old with you. I want to build a life with you here or in Paris or anywhere. Pick a place and I’ll be there.” Klaus stilled over her, his orgasm coming on by surprise and spilled himself inside her. “Sorry...”

“Don’t be. I’m happy.” Caroline told him with happy tears still lingering in her eyes. Klaus leaned down and kissed her again before rolling off of her. He laid against the wood floor and pulled up his pants. Caroline propped her head up against the palm of her hand while her elbow rested on the wood flooring. Her finger reached out and traced a small line down his chest and then back up; biting her lip deep in thought. “I’ve thought long and hard about this and everything you said. I want it too. I want a home and yours is here now. Mine stopped being home a long time ago. I love you and want to build that life you described with you.”

He knew that she did. All those plans they had made over the last several months were slowly coming to fruition. Klaus just needed to know that she was ready. The last thing he wanted from her was regret that they moved too soon; but he knew that he needed to trust her. All of her wounds were not magically healed in the span of a year, but Klaus knew that he would be there to hold her when she needed it. He never wanted Caroline to face what she had during Matt’s reign in Mystic Falls again. Klaus wanted to hold her up high when she succeeds and catch her when she fell; he wanted to be her partner in all things, even in her darkest of moments. Klaus reached up to touch her face, tracing her cheekbone with his thumb. All the words he wanted to say were dying on his lips, but he knew that she understood.

But before he could say anything at all, the two of them heard a series of barking outside the back door. Klaus and Caroline tilted their heads to see Enzo going crazy outside the door, his tail wagging wildly. They shared a quick glance at one another and broke out laughing.

“I suppose we should let him in.” Klaus said in a light manner and pulled himself off the floor, holding out his hand to Caroline. Without a second thought, she gripped it and he pulled her to her feet. With a final kiss on the top of her head, he moved to the back door in order to let Enzo inside. The dog burst through the door and all but ran into the living room; assuming to find the toys that Klaus still kept around the house during their visits.

He looked over his shoulder and saw Caroline standing in the hallway with a small smile on her lips. She tilted her head; gazing at him with a hint of mischief in her eyes. Slowly, she dropped the blue sundress that she was holding up around her body and let it fall to the floor. She reached behind her and tossed the bra on the ground as well. Klaus took a step forward, but Caroline held up a finger, stalling him. A saucy smile played on her lips and before Klaus could move, Caroline took off running up the stairs; her laughter ringing the entire way. Without a second thought, Klaus took off after her. When he caught up with her on the second landing, Caroline joyful squeal could be heard echoing throughout the house.

Caroline settled into London with ease and built a life for herself, but she was never fully able to let go of the wanderlust Matt so desperately wanted to stamp out of her. Yet, no matter where her travels took her, Klaus knew he would always be there to welcome her home.

Fin.

A/N:  I'm half asleep posting this and I'm just in shock honestly. I cannot believe that its done and over. A couple things:

First) I want to say thank you to everyone who read Wanderlust and fell in love with it. I've gotten so many positive comments, reviews and just support from the fandom, more than I could have ever thought of. I never imagined how this story would have turned out or the massive response I got. 

Second) I'm not doing a sequel. The last chapter and epilogue are pretty final. HOWEVER that does not mean I won't do an future outtake here or there if the mood strikes. I have nothing in the works BUT it could happen. If it does, I'll do what I did with the Just Good Business outtake and tack it onto the end of this story...

Finally) I'm doing a Q&A tomorrow (feel free to send asks today if you feel like it). Basically, its all Wanderlust related and nothing is off limits with this story. You have questions, I'll answer. Again, I just want to say thank you to everyone who read this story and became invested. Thank you to @klavscaroline​ for creating the betting pool and to all those who participated. Thank you to @klarolineagainnaturally​ for making the amazing banner I used when posting on Tumblr.

Just thank you.

Erica

[klein-archive]

‘What does death represent to the individual?’ – Melanie Klein’s response to a letter from Joan Riviere, 3rd June 1940

8th November 2018

This month I am posting a couple of wartime letters, which I thought appropriate on the 100th anniversary of Armistice Day, 11th November 1918.

Folder C.96 in Melanie Klein’s archive consists of ten pages, including a two-page letter written by Joan Riviere to Klein on 3rd June 1940. In this letter Riviere asks Klein to lay out some of her thoughts on the ongoing war, and the psychological ‘causes’ behind such destructive conflict. This exchange – saturated with anxiety about the worsening situation – took place at a moment when the UK was under real threat of Nazi invasion and when, as Riviere says, ‘the possibility of our work all coming to an end seems so near’.

Riviere‘s letter is handwritten, while Klein’s response (undated, presumably written not long after Riviere‘s) is typed. No record remains of the list of questions suggested by Riviere to Klein. I have given Riviere‘s letter in full, but in the case of Klein’s notes I have done some minor editing for clarity’s sake. Her text was clearly not meant to be read out exactly as it was written down. Rather, it resembles a series of notes, a kind of aide-memoire for her talk, to which Riviere refers in her letter. It is unclear as to whether this talk was ever given, as Klein left London for Pitlochry at the end of June 1940; like many of her colleagues, she temporarily relocated to avoid the heavy bombing of London.

The majority of this fragment from the Klein archive has, in fact, previously been published by Claudia Frank (2003), but only in German. An English translation of Frank’s paper will appear as part of a collection of materials from the Klein archive, to be published by Routledge in 2019 (Jane Milton, in preparation). Meanwhile, Michal Shapira (2013) has written about Klein’s concept of ‘the Hitler inside us’ during the Second World War, and is currently preparing another book about Klein, based on archival material from this period (to be published by Cambridge University Press). The letter from Joan Riviere appears in a new biography by Marion Bower (2018).

Below is the letter from Joan Riviere:

Harefield                                                                 (4 Stanhope Terrace, W.2)                                                                                            June 3. 1940

My dear Melanie

When the first official mention of invasion began, the possibility of our work all coming to an end seemed so near. I felt we should all have to keep it in our hearts, perhaps, as the only way to save it for the future. Also of course I was constantly thinking of the psychological causes of such terrible loss and destruction as may happen to mankind. So I had the idea of your telling me (and then a group of us) everything you think about these causes, so that all of us who can understand these things at all should share and know as much as possible, to help to preserve it.

My idea is that you should tell us first what you believe to be the causes 1) of the German psychological situation, and  2) Secondly of that of the rest of Europe and mainly the Allies, since the last war. To me the apathy and denial of danger in the Allies especially England is not clear (I never shared it). 3) How is it connected with what I call the ‘Munich’ complex – the son’s incapacity to fight for mother and country, and his homosexual leanings.

These are the sort of questions I wanted you to speak of. I thought we would have no discussion – the only questions should be to get your meaning clear. I asked people to send in questions beforehand, which I can probably arrange in some order and bring up at a moment when you are dealing with that kind of point. If there is time I would send you the points before. Do you go to 9 Manchester Square on Saturday before the meeting? Or where will you be?

I shall be in the country till some time in the afternoon, then at home until about 6.45.

Thank you very much for your letter of 24th May. It is a good thing you have sent your papers abroad. But I believe we shall pull through, all of us, including you!

I am so looking forward to Saturday – psa [psychoanalysis] is a great anodyne in all this anxiety!

With much love

Yours ever

Joan.

In the margin is written an additional question:

4) One great question is why is it so important to be able to be brave and to be able to bear whatever happens? Everything in reality depends on this. I see a lot of answers but I don’t feel I see all it implies.

The reply from Klein:

What does death represent to the individual?

The increasing danger of a terrifying death brings out in individuals both the deeper reasons of their fear of death as well as their methods of combating this fear. Instances A. patient of very religious upbringing in whom the fear of Hell had played a great part in childhood, a fear which had intellectually been entirely overcome is revived in the present situation. The internal hell which could not be overcome by love as demanded by religion because devil and helpful God were so very much the same in his unconscious mind. In this case and others it became clear that terror of own destructiveness and murderousness, fear of having arranged for Hitler to destroy the world, and especially the incapacity to dissociate the evil father and parents from the good ones, to dissociate love from hate, and therefore to turn hatred against the evil thing – love and protection towards the loved and good people – that all this has a paralysing effect in the relation to external dangers.

One conclusion a) An important step in development is the capacity to allow oneself to split the imagos into good and bad ones which goes with the capacity to trust one’s constructive tendencies and love feelings. Only thus is it possible to hate with full strength what is felt to be evil in the external world – to attack and destroy at the same time protecting oneself with one’s good internal objects as well as external loved objects, country etc, against the bad things. To be able to achieve this is also dependent on b) The relative strength of internalized relations versus external ones – or rather the balance between internal situations and relations on the one hand and externals on the other.

If the feeling that external war is really going on inside – if the feeling that an internal Hitler is fought inside by a Hitler-like subject – predominates, then despair results. It is impossible to fight this war, because in the internal situation catastrophe is bound to be the end of it. This depends also on the ways and means in which the subject is carrying out the internal war. If he feels to out-Hitler Hitler, then it will all end in complete destruction inside. If there is a better balance between internal happenings and external happenings and the war inside is not predominating, then one can turn with strength and determination against the external enemy. There are many other factors at work which all work towards greater trust in one’s own capacity to love and construct as well in the good object and determining the balance between internal and external.

I see fully confirmed former experiences that death is terrifying to the utmost, if trust in internal relationships is weak. The danger may then be denied (very important in the general attitude towards the Hitler danger – Chamberlain’s remark of war as a nightmare) or the individual becomes paralysed – which may amount to suicidal incapacity to deal with external dangers, and ultimately (paralysis of) the means of destroying the dangerous Hitler inside. I have seen in this present situation patients’ courage grow, depression diminish, and their capacity to make decisions etc increase when hatred and guilt connected with early phantasies had been further analysed. Present situation provides a very strong stimulus to revive the guilt and fears connected with these phantasies, and I have been struck with the effect analysis can have in such conditions. Pressure of anxiety helped to throw light on former material and was able to remove much anxiety and despair.

One very typical thing was the guilt about the attraction towards this, to the destructive and dangerous penis which Hitler’s murderous weapons represent. In men it appeared that quite hidden passive homosexual phantasies, plotting and scheming with the destructive father, came to the fore. a) They had instigated Hitler to this destructive intercourse and enjoyed it sadistically. b) Terror of being destroyed and identification with the threatened mother reinforced the tendencies to scheme and plot with the dangerous father. To this is added the anxiety of the internal destruction by this dangerous father who becomes more and more internal the more external reality proves his dangerousness. The guilt about the sadistic alliance with the dangerous father is one important reason for denial: but I see the most various methods used against it; for instance, very rational sounding views that we should continuously concentrate on the offensive expressed the drive towards active and dangerous homosexuality as a reaction against the desire and fear of being anally penetrated.

This feeling of a continuous thrust on the enemy to prevent him from invasion, in contradiction to that, that we should preserve through our thrust France’s destruction and rather allow him the invasion of England. (The mother was to be saved, England, representing more the patient himself, should be more allowed to be invaded). But here the jealous attitude of mother also found expression. There was also the wish to be anally penetrated by this impressive father as well as the desire to test in reality the dangerous threatening experience. With women too, the attraction towards the dangerous father, conspiracy against mother, guilt and punishment, were very much revived. Fifth column tendencies/phantasies and guilt. But it is interesting to find the connection between these sexual phantasies, the sadistic pleasure as experience in masturbation, and inner relations. Interaction between distrust and guilt relating to brothers, sisters and parents because of these sadistic conspiracies and relations to internal objects. In the (reduced) capacity to trust in the preservation of internal loved objects because of these sadistic phantasies in relation to external ones.

Striking how the analysis of these secret plotting sadistic phantasies improved internal relationships and relieved anxiety of danger of present situation. In one instance, much former material became so much clearer and illuminating that peace of mind steadily increased, in spite of the worsening of the external situation. Balance between love and hatred increased, parents become in retrospect much more trustworthy, worthwhile preserving, and accordingly also present relatives. Fear of death decreased when trust in me, in analysis, and more generally in the survival of goodness in spite of all dangers to values, increased. The feeling that goodness cannot ultimately be exterminated, which may be a denial of danger in external relations, was based on a better balance between facing danger and yet relying more on internal goodness and trust in some good object.

The question of balance so often stressed appears as the ultimate decisive factor. Optimum between external and internal, love and hate, and the methods used against anxiety. Certain amount of temporary denial obviously unavoidable and necessary. We look at nature, we read a book, we play with a child, we enjoy food, etc, and we have to remind ourselves that our life and country is at stake. In between the good experience has helped us to deny the danger. If the denial predominates in the attitude it may lead to complacency, flight to the good inner objects, etc. If the help provided by the fact that such good things we just enjoy exist, the belief in the good object and in goodness ultimately, is not too much denial of the bad things, it may help us to take steps to preserve goodness externally, and may internally help us to remain calm in the face of danger.

After giving some fragmentary examples, which are in note form and not fully coherent, Klein turns to ‘technique’:

TECHNIQUE

The satisfaction we must all derive from the fact that analysis can be so helpful in these circumstances. There is confirmation about the main principles of our work; even now reassurance does not seem to be of great value (certain exceptions and rather limited). But an undisturbed keeping or holding fast to analyse aggression, guilt, which disturbs the belief in constructive and reparative tendencies, seems most helpful. We must however remain aware of the interplay, present and external situations, with internal and with the past, as well as past experiences. The strength with which certain experiences are re experienced, the details of phantasies coming up under this pressure, indicates also the great wish of the patient to cooperate with the analyst, and thus also to help the parent to improve the relationship with him, and to establish internally and externally, harmony. This strength of experiencing and bringing forward material has also to do with the stimulus which the nearness of death provides in experiencing life. Instances for taking in much more strongly beauty of nature, love in relations, etc, even lessening of certain inhibitions as seen in several cases. It is filling oneself with life, as well as sharing love with external people, and thus reviving, restoring internal situations. Also proof for goodness remaining; because ultimately in the future there will be objects to experience this and thus death as utter destruction cannot be true.

References

Bower, Marion (2018). The Life and Work of Joan Riviere: Freud, Klein and Female Sexuality. London: Routledge.

Frank, Claudia (2003) Zu Melanie Kleins zeitgenössischer Bezugnahme auf Hitler und den Zweiten Weltkrieg in ihren Behandlungen. [On Melanie Klein’s contemporary references to Hitler and the second world war in her treatment] Psyche – Z Psychoanal., 57:708-728.  

Milton, Jane (in preparation) working title: From the Klein Archive; Essential Readings. London: Routledge. To be published in 2019/20.

Shapira, Michal (2013) The War Inside: Psychoanalysis, Total War, and the Making of the Democratic Self in Postwar Britain. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press.

[archivesoftheforgotten]

“I can't breathe.” - George Floyd, James Brown, Eric Garner, Rodney Brown

Throughout the last few weeks, much of the world has been speaking about a problem that is one of the worst atrocities that has been committed within the history of the human species. This cycle of separation of our species has been sewn within our societies since the moment we defined “us” and “them.”

Yet, amongst this defining of one group to the next, we often forget that our entire species originated in East Africa and migrated upwards towards Asia 50,000 years ago. Given that the earth is 4.5 billion years old, it seems that our arbitrary view of borders and separation was conceived seconds after the human race originated in Africa.

I’m painting this picture of the birthplace of our civilization because I want there to be a clear message that needs to be heard: we have all originated from the same place. This is the same place that, in our short span of life on this planet, has seen many different socio political events happen. In the 1870s, Africa was a continent that was 80% ruled by African rulers (Hochschild 42). However, in Europe and in North America, colonies believed that they could expand their land even further than what they have already conquered.

This drive for imperial expansion increased their beliefs of Anglo-Saxon superiority — one that was already fueled by the colonization of the New World and its Indigenous peoples. Rudyard Kipling, a British poet, similarly called for the United States, a former colony itself, to take up the imperialist torch. In his famous and controversial poem from 1899, “The White Man’s Burden,” Kipling exhorted Americans to take pride in conquering the Philippines for the benefit of the colonized. There was a belief of the “white man’s burden” that the European and North American whites had a divine right to conquer neighboring civilizations due to the sole fact that they themselves were not white.

While the cultural ideology of the time aided towards the scramble for Africa, it was not the only thing that fueled this decision. At the time, European countries were gaining wealth from the resources found in the New World. They were in competition with one another to gain power amongst themselves (the British Empire, the Dutch Empire, the French etc.). As European industrial production increased and spread, raw materials became harder to come by — and a sure way to control raw materials and markets would be to create colonial monopolies. Lenin viewed imperialism as the last stage of industrial exploitation. Africa, with its large resources of gold, silver and diamonds became a target for European empires to dominate and to extract from. This drive for more production and capital gain was in part caused by political and socio-economic problems happening in Europe at the time. The turmoil in Europe drove forth the idea of settler-colonies in Africa, what is now known as Algeria, Tunisia, South Africa, Namibia, Angola, Mozambique, and central African areas like Zimbabwe and Zambia. This scramble was so intense that there were fears that it could lead to inter-imperialist conflicts and even wars. To prevent this, German chancellor Otto von Bismarck convened a diplomatic summit of European powers in the late nineteenth century. This was the famous Berlin West African conference (more generally known as the Berlin Conference), held from November 1884 to February 1885. Thus dividing the continent of Africa and dividing the different tribes and societies within it.

That is how the Europeans viewed the colonization of Africa. It seems to be a pattern where the narrative of this account is only written by those who colonized. It has been seen in other evidence that many societies have practised enslavement of others as a way to increase their powers and prestige, yet the practise of slavery was not one that was yet practised in England until voyageurs brought back West and West Coast Africans to London and Bristol (Heuman, 2010). The English were not strangers to the practise of enslavement, thus they recognized that for a man or woman to be enslaved was that they had no rights similar to that of a beast (Heuman, 2010). This unjustly classifications of African people thus were sown before the first slaves arrived in the New World. European ideology at the time stemmed from a religious background. The creation of humanity in their view came from Adam and Eve who were coincidently white., However, the black skin of Africans they came into contact with contradicted this belief which made Europeans correlate black skin with evil (Heuman, 2010). These negative views of African societies and its people stopped Europeans to view the sophistication and intricacy of African tribal political systems and African religions due to a false religious narrative.

Dutch slaves traders dominated the Atlantic slave trade in the second half of the 17th century and viewed the the up and coming sugar cane plantations of the Carribiean and Brazil for the enslaved populations to be sent to. Between 1760 to1820, the rate of migration grew from 4 Africans to every one European in the beginning of 1820 to 5.6 Africans per every one European (Heuman, 2010).

By this point one must recognize the dependence of Africans from the European plantations — without the use of enslaved African people, the economies of the colonizing empires would not nearly be as efficient. This major forced migrations of millions of African people can not be seen as only an economic event. It was one of most heinous crimes against humanity that not only drove an unrealistic form of capitalism, but erased centuries of African culture,heritage, and most importantly, lives.

In 1865, slavery was abolished in the United States, but that wasn’t the end of these violent crimes. Since then, there has been a continuation of decades of oppression in many different forms: systematic racism. According to the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP), in the United States African American children represent 32% of children who are arrested, 42% of children who are detained, and 52% of children whose cases are judicially waived to criminal court. It is these trends that have been rooted in the discrimination of Black people ever since Africans set foot in the New and Old Worlds.

If there is something that we need to recognize through the understanding of history, it is that these behaviours,inherent hate,overall discrimination is a learned behaviour. When it comes to racism, the choices we make and the attitudes we choose to take with us in this current reformation will determine how the future of our world holds

[passportrequired]

Gesundheit! Fitness, Weightloss, Wine, Dessert and Clarity in Europe

While we borrowed “gesundheit” to mean good health when someone sneezes, it translates into health and fitness. Speaking of foreign countries and trasnlation, visit this article if you need to Professionally translate a document.

Why am I worried about gesundheit? Well because I barely made it to London, England on April 17th, before I had to jump on a plane to Vienna, Austria. Day one in Vienna I found myself in the gym at the Le Meridien dancing with my eyes closed to Tony Braxton and Loon’s “Hit the Freeway”. I had just finished weights and a bunch of other exercises and dancing was my reward to self for working out while on vacation in Europe. What was I thinking? I should be drunk off cheap wine or gin spritzers and stuffing my face with schnitzel!

Instead… Ich habe mich auf Reisen der Gesundheit verschrieben. (I was committed to health while traveling.)

When I missed my flight to London, I thought for sure my vacation started and stopped in that one moment. It was 4,000USD to change my premium economy ticket! That didn’t even include the change fee, smh.

I had carefully planned everything. I knew exactly what snacks I was bringing for Curry puppy and I packed all his food and snacks two days in advance and placed in the back of the X5. I checked with my nephew to see if the Trader Joe’s is still in West Hartford, Connecticut so I could buy his extras and I crossed him off my list. I was headed to CT so I can leave Curry while I chased clarity in Europe.

I woke up super early and packed my suitcase, Curry’s toys and bed in the car. As soon as I was about to leave, I let him outside to pee and he ran off to Charles’ house. Okay, I can dig. At 4am I didn’t want him running over to Trenton Place to Higgins’s house (his bestie), so him running next door was cool. Curry puppy was always trying to run off somewhere, it’s his little game he likes to play with mommy. A dangerous one at 4am. I got him back. Packed him in the car and I checked off him, my luggage, water, healthy bars for me to eat on the ride so I wouldn’t stop on the New Jersey Turnpike and buy junk. Check! Check! Check! It was the perfect pack.

I drove 6 hours to my sister’s house. I gallivant for a few days. Played electronic UNO with the kids ‘til late at night. Even decided since I had time on my hands I might as well get my hair done. Check!

Now, it’s super hard not to eat unhealthy at my sister’s house. Real Jamaican food being cooked here. Curry chicken. Rice and peas. Oxtail. Jeez. I feel like I’m in Jamaica for the first leg of my trip. Just pure yummy Michelle food. Resistance is low in Bloomfield, Connecticut. I went to Trader Joe’s and bought 4 cases of water to counteract any craziness. Check! It’s important to know I don’t practice deprivation. I eat. Weight loss happens regardless. Mainly because when I’m home I’m strict. I’m on vacation. Live a little. Check!

I was so relaxed. Then comes departure day. Or night. It was dark out. I woke up at 2am. Exhausted I just went to bed at 1am. Why won’t I sleep? Ugh. I woke my nephew up. We had to drive to JFK for my 7:55am flight. But as soon as I got up to leave, I knew. I knew I had forgotten my passport at my home in the safe, 6 hours away in DC. I looked at the time and I looked at my nephew and I wanted to cry. I had the whole weekend. I could have driven to DC and back, or even had my passport FedExed. Man, oh man. Alright. No point fussing. Let’s figure this out. How? Passport is required. I was screwed.

British airways didn’t open until 7am!!! Wtf. I’m definitely panicking now. Okay. Okay. Doesn’t matter. Life goes on. Two days of stress eating crap, I was sure I put back the 10lbs I had lost at my weigh-in at the weight loss center. All day and I barely drank any of the water I bought. I finally sorted it out and I got on a plane two days later and made a commitment to get my shit together. My weight loss shit together that is.

The point of the back story is nothing ever goes as planned. Life happens. You have to be prepared. I actually thought that in October when I jumped on this weight loss journey that being conscious of my emotional eating and my triggers would always make me prepared. Stress eating? No problem. I had it under control is what I thought to myself. I keep watching the weight drop because I was focused. First it was only diet and mind games for 3 months with light walking. Me and my trainer agreed to delay starting so I could ease my body of some of the weight so I am not discouraged by the workouts. I already hate the gym.

The idea was, if I felt too much pain then I would associate it with the gym and get discouraged, or plain whole STOP. Like I had done in the past. I was playing so much psychological mind games with myself. Shit I didn’t even need to do that when I was eating the food that put the weight on in the first place. Crazy, right? But clearly forgetting my passport and dealing with that stress and being in a trigger environment in Connecticut was too much to handle and I realized we are never fully prepared. It’s what we do next that matters. I was stressed because I needed this vacation – this thought trip. My soul yearned for it. And I had carefully and thoughtfully planned it. I had to go.

It was a photo from my family reunion that encouraged me to get moving. I’ve never battled too much with self-esteem so I never once looked in the mirror and saw an ugly face, but I definitely wrestled with what fat I would cut off and, where, if I could just take a knife and do it. I took one look at me in that pink dress in that photo and I realized that night I had to put on flip flops because my ankles were swollen from the 6-hour drive to Connecticut from DC. I also looked at the dress and my belly filled out so much of it I couldn’t wait around to have that heart attack most black people have in their 50s. While my face looked super young and people think I’m anywhere between 28 and 35, I was turning 43 that coming January and I needed to finally make a change.

In October 2018, I became super focused and I went to a weight loss center and lost 30lbs quickly. My joints felt good. I went to the trainer and we decided on one day a week. It seems like nothing but it has been so effective. I started to build a relationship with fitness that I hadn’t have in a long time. We are now at two to three days a week.

Bill Walker at Balance Gym in DC and I do weight training with kettle bells and resistance weights. He is the best trainer I’ve ever had. And I’ve had several. Sometimes I get through the time and I’m like that’s it? And he’s like well done. Now don’t get me wrong, Bill makes me feel like I’m going to die with every workout lol. But I say “that’s it” because for the first time I’m actually enjoying my workouts. I want to show up. I can only attribute that to Bill and his style of training. Never the seller, more focused on my care and my outcome. I have a left knee injury, a back injury and carpal tunnel in my left hand along with a strained right ankle from surgery. But Bill is so knowledgeable in joint and muscle pain that we would shift the workouts depending on what ailment I was having. It was a no brainer when I decided to sign up for a full 6 months of training.

I found my way out of Connecticut on an American Airlines flight and my first stop was London. I got to Heathrow late. I ate something light when I got to Misha’s. I slept the next day. Sleep is so important when you’re trying to lose weight and I don’t get enough of it so when I can, I do. I am naturally an insomniac. My thoughts and ideas flow better at night. This is either true or we insomniacs think so and have fully convinced ourselves of it :-).

I ate one boiled egg and a toast and salami for breakfast. The salami wasn’t the best option but I drank lots of water. Have to keep my ankles skinny especially after flying. My ankles always swell. Ugh. I watched a movie. Lounged and took another nap. Apparently, I was exhausted. So much drama with the airline and flight. I finally got up put on my gym clothes and decided to walk the streets of London and people watch. This is how I get my exercise when there is no gym. Getting my steps in. I actually love that about UK and Europe. Walking is so easy. And people are funny to watch. The pubs were already packed. It was a holiday weekend and they started early on that pint of Guinness.

The thing is, vacations and weight loss are not synonymous because we want to cheat. We have garnered this idea that being on vacation means we have to binge eat and stuff our faces with the worse foods. My goal was to taste everything. But I wasn’t planning on being stuffed. If I was stuffed, I couldn’t walk and I couldn’t people watch. What’s the point of being on vacation in a food coma? I actually like to see and explore the places I visit.

I made soup and festival for dinner and had a beer. I drank more water. The next day I was on a plane to Vienna. After getting sick on schnitzel I knew I had to be careful with foods in Vienna. Everything seems fried or processed into sausages. So, I made sure there was a salad or something light at every restaurant we dined, so I can have a healthy option. I drank plenty of water. I never shy away from desserts or alcohol but I’m not naturally a dessert eater so I don’t always indulge. But alcohol – definitely. Wine was cheap in Vienna and though not as cheap, gin spritzers were a “thing” and very delicious.

I told myself I had to work out at least once in every city I traveled to. With Misha, I was going to walk more than the average person anyway. We did over 12,000 steps a day. But I craved my Bill exercises. I went into the basement of the Le Meridien and was elated when I saw kettle bells. Great gym. I had my Bose headphones and I blasted some hip hop and rap and got to it. After my Bill reps I stretched. I was amped. Feeling good about myself I put on some hip hop and danced my ass off. I danced for another 20 minutes. I drank more and more water. In case you haven’t noticed, besides alcohol, I only drink water.

Misha and I walked so much I could hear the weight say, “I give up” and got off the next train stop before I could. We rode the train and walked everywhere. We went to Schöenbrunn Palace and got lost in the maze and even took unforbidden photos inside the palace. We visited the Jewish Museum and saw some amazing exhibits including that of Arik Brauer. We saw a horse show at the Spanische Hofreitschule Riding School and watched an opera, which left me singing “Nichola” the whole night. It was the only word I could remember since the language eludes me. We ate Art on a plate at the Pramerl and the Wolf in Roseau, Vienna. We took photos by the Hofberg Imperial Palace and we ate dinner at one of Vienna’s oldest restaurants. We had wine and downed calamari and mussels at Naschmarkt. We ate street food in Vienna City Centre. We did so much I can barely remember most of it. Like I said, I was with Misha and we did 12000 steps or more a day.

Misha went back to London and I went off to St. Julian, Malta. The first day was chill. Lazy and lounge. Malta was a breath of fresh air. Beautiful. View outside my balcony was to die for. I could retire here. The Mediterranean Sea looked amazing. Day two was sightseeing and walking. I ate whatever I wanted. No gym. And water was scarce. The water was not drinkable so restaurants don’t offer it up unless you buy. And I hadn’t noticed they didn’t bring any cause me and Kerina were drinking wine and beer. Malta was scenic. I ate rabbit (tastes like chicken), and we sat at the top overlook at City Lounge in Valetta and ate and drank and laughed.

Amsterdam was my reboot. First day we found a treasure right next to the hotel called Dragons Delight. Oat milk latte and avocado toast with scrambled eggs. This is too easy, I thought. Kerina worked out with me first day in the hotel gym, and we walked around Rembrandt Square that night checking out food, nightlife and coffee shops.

My fake henna tattoo from Malta got five Moroccan boys’ attention and I stopped so they could read the Arik Brauer quote I picked up at the Jewish Museum in Vienna. “There was never a manifesto, it simply” just “happened”. I added just to put my own spin on it. We chatted them up for a little bit. I exchanged numbers with one of them and carried on. He thought I was 24. The next day we did 17700 steps walking from our hotel in the Pijp to Museum quarter and Vondelpark. Once Kerina left I made sure I ate well and kept moving.

While I explored Amsterdam some more, I couldn’t give up my oat milk latte. I went to dragons delight daily. Partly because they serve breakfast all day. Yum! Jade, Luca and Jasom are super sweet. Jasom was always checking what else I needed. Jade and I chatted about her bulldog pups back in England, while I went on about missing Curry puppy. But Luca told me they made sure the freshest ingredients were on hand and had monthly specials. This month, I was lucky it was the smashed spicy avocado toast with scrambled eggs. Good healthy food, good hot drinks with non-lactose options like oat milk and good people. I couldn’t have asked for nothing more in the Pijp. Except on King’s day, I watched the orange clothes roll by on boats. I didn’t get caught up in the crowd, but I enjoyed the scenery.

Malaga, Spain was the final leg of my trip and I got there late. This city was mine to enjoy alone. I wouldn’t have had it any other way. The next morning, I hit the streets and committed to a Misha day filled with at least 12000 steps and more if I could. I was going to forego public transportation and use my Chevy two (feet). It was the home of Pablo Picasso. The history of the Moors. Food and wine were cheap. Museums were free. I was determined to see it all. My clothes felt looser and I knew my weight shifted for the better.

Weight loss is at the forefront, but it wasn’t going to trap me either. Not every person over weight eats unhealthily. My cholesterol levels are great. I started clean eating after doing an amazing program with Emmanuel Galland in NYC. Clean eating means my meals are generally wholesome. Whole Foods and Trader Joe’s have been my rock! My problem was always over indulging and emotionally eating, never eating crappy foods like fast foods or greasy foods.

But with any weight loss program, you have to be ready, and it has to be internal. It’s a quest that must be accomplished by you, and you alone can make it happen. What I’ve learned so far and still learning is that consistency is key. Staying on course no matter how discouraged and feeling defeated or giving up is not an option. Those feelings are crap. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Stay on course. Nothing is easy. Keep at it and DO NOT look purely to others for support. While there are resources out there, they are not for everyone; therefore, encouragement has to come from within. Be your own cheerleader. And celebrate every win. Even if it’s small. I celebrated a big (30lb loss) with a trip to London.

I drank plenty of water in Malaga. The perks of being a Marriott Elite member, whatever you ask for you get. They were nice enough to give me more than the 2 bottles per day and so I told them to keep it coming.

I flew from Malaga back to Gatwick and then head to Heathrow where I would stay one night at the Marriott Moxy. Small, efficient and totally eclectic this hotel was noisy. I actually booked it to relax from my trip. However, I walked past a food truck and into the hotel, which had a red carpet laid out and girls dressed skimpily, handing me champagne. Where was I? After checking in at the bar (yes, the bar), I went upstairs, showered, changed and came back down to party. Who needs rest? I danced and chatted all night with a lady from Holland. We listened to a live band with steel drums, watched calypso dancers gyrate hips with practically no clothes on, took photos with a snake, drank free alcohol and ate free food. I was exhausted and hoped I wouldn’t miss my flight back to New York, but getting my exercise through dancing was fun.

When I got back from Europe, I had lost more weight. I had found my clarity while drinking wine and eating dessert, yet still managed to work out and lose weight. I call that success! I’m not encouraging anyone who is trying to lose weight to eat dessert because if it is a trigger then you have to be careful. However, I encourage consciousness, plenty of water, sleep when you can or just rest, walking everywhere, stop often if that’s what you have to do to reboot and hit the gym if your hotel has one, and if you can. Even if it’s just 15-20 minutes of weight training or on the treadmill or bike. Bike if you’re in Amsterdam. And it is a vacation, so enjoy it. I never forego any alcohol. I had wine, whiskey and beer. Food sizes are naturally smaller in Europe anyway so for an American traveler, I was already eating less.

I’ll let you in on a little secret, Vienna was the first time I worked out alone in a gym without Bill. It was quite an accomplishment. It’s definitely a “win” to celebrate and I am very proud of the relationship I have been building with fitness. I celebrated this big win by dancing for 20 minutes (big smiles). I start yoga again very soon. Who knows, my next PR article might be a yoga retreat in Bali.

Whether you’re touring Europe or staying at home and trying to lose weight. Don’t let it define you. Carve out how you plan to do it. Take charge and go for it. Don’t be discouraged by any setbacks. Life isn’t perfect. No such thing. Don’t forget to live your best life. Always. And if you’re an insomniac like me – drink lots of water. Oh, by the way, if in one night you down a whole bottle of wine in Malaga, Spain because you thought it was so cheap, drink more water. And make sure your next trip requires passport. I always do. It’s how I get my clarity. Besides, it’s less fun if you go domestic 😊.

Travel often. Travel well. Until next time – Gesundheit!

Gesundheit! Fitness, Weightloss, Wine, Dessert and Clarity in Europe was originally published on Passport Required

[anastasiachristou]

PHOTOGRAPHY MAJOR PROJECT 1: INTERVIEW REGARDING THE TURKISH INVASION

During my research for Major Project 1, I got in touch through email with a former resident of Famagusta who experienced the Turkish Invasion in Cyprus, 1974.  His name is Demetrios and he was introduced to me by a fellow student. I got the opportunity to ask him a couple of questions regarding the Turkish Invasion which he kindly took the time and responded in detail.

 Interview with Demetrios:

Demetrios is Cypriot, born in Tanzania. He spent his school years in boarding schools in Tanzania, then Athens and the last two years at The English School of Nicosia, Cyprus getting his GCEs.

 Anastasia Christou: Were you a resident in Famagusta or were you just visiting at that time?

Demetrios: I graduated from University in England in International Relations in 1973, and I was doing extra studies there, when my father asked for my help as he was setting up a new business in a village west of Famagusta, in January 1974. He was setting up a factory manufacturing bulk sacks for agricultural produce such as potatoes, and industrial ropes and twines.

The factory started operating in May of 1974. Bad timing! As I was working there, I was also taking a MA degree in Business Administration through the United Nations sponsored program. A few fellow students were Turkish Cypriots as was one of the lecturers. I was in Nicosia driving to one of the lectures when the coup begun by the Greek officers.

 AC: What were your initial thoughts about the situation at that time? What was your action plan?

D: Having a strong interest in politics, and my parents fearing for my safety due to my left-wing opinions after the April 21st, 1967 right-wing military coup in Greece, I ended up at the English School in Nicosia. Cyprus politics were very turbulent then with Makarios being a thorn to the Greek military junta’s side. I was worried the regime in Greece would try to destabilize Makarios (President at that time) with American help, as they did not see eye to eye with him.

When the coup in Cyprus happened I was afraid this would open the door to Turkey to invade. I thought it was unlikely but not impossible. I didn’t think the Americans would allow it. But Kissinger was the first to recognize Sampson’s government. There was no action planned because we did not think the Turks would invade.

  AC: Were you alone in Cyprus, or did you have family or other people with you?

D: On the 15th of July 1974, when the Turkish Invasion began, we thought we would be safe in Famagusta, but then the airstrikes started. Not being a Cypriot citizen (British citizen and passport having been born in Tanzania, then a British colony) I was not called up in the army and I was eating watermelon for breakfast with my mother. My mother had volunteered as a nurse, (having been one before marriage, in 1948) and was working with Doctor Marangos looking after the wounded and she was home to get a few hours of rest.

Our home was right on the beach between two hotels called Constantia and Florida. One of the bombs hit the hotel next to our building which flattened half of it. At that time my grandparents and a few other relatives had taken refuge in our house. We all rushed to the basement and felt all fourteen floors above us sway, from the continuing bomb blasts. We could hear the Turkish jets screaming overhead. My grandmother lost it and rushed outside to yell and curse the Turks. My father and I went after her and dragged her back. That is when I saw the devastation: burning cars on the street, half the building next door had collapsed from a direct hit and a mangled body draped over the smouldering rubble.

Once everything went quiet we got in our cars and headed outside Famagusta in the orange groves pondering our next move. The car radio was reporting that the Turks were moving towards Famagusta, so we decided to drive out to Larnaca and then on to Limassol to the safety of my uncle’s village Fasouri which was citrus fruit plantation, and was within the British sovereign near Akrotiri.

 AC: What is your opinion about the Turkish people? Has this changed throughout the years?

D: I never saw the Turkish-Cypriots as the enemy or had any hatred towards them. I saw them as victims of national rivalry between Greece and Turkey: Greece for supporting our once strong desire for Union with “mother” Greece, and Turkey for trying to reclaim Cyprus as part of the Turkish state. My enmity is towards Turkey for having dispossessed me and torn me away from my country to which I have been connected since the Trojan War. 

In the north of Cyprus, near Ayios Georgios village, there is a small sandy beach, not more than a couple of hundred yards long. You will not find it marked on any map. Its name handed down by word of mouth by those living there for the last three thousand or so years? It’s called Akti Acheon. The beach of the Achaeans! Remnants of the Achaeans who were one of the Greek tribes, part of the Greek expedition that fought in the Trojan War. When that ended, some of them landed on that beach; hence its name. That is the thread that connects me and you to Cyprus and its history. That is the connection the Turks have cut off.

My father’s ancestors are buried up there in the village Karavas. In the mid-'80s, some mainland settlers from Turkey heard that Christians were buried with their gold crosses. They tore up the graves at the Karavas cemetery looting them for the gold crosses. Turkish-Cypriots would not  have done that because they were respectful of us, as we were respectful of them until Britain asked Turkey to start getting mixed up again in Cyprus (prohibited from doing so by the Treaty of Lausanne) to forestall Greek-Cypriot demands for union with Greece. The Brits set us up against each other with Turkey and Greece winding us up to start killing each other.

When I was a schoolboy learning about Greek history, Turkey was always the enemy. I was 13 when the troubles started in Cyprus in 1963. As I grew older and started reading for myself I saw that things were not as simple as portrayed in high school history class. I realised that both Greek-Cypriots and Turkish-Cypriots were victims of mother countries’ power games. I feel sorry for the Turkish-Cypriots because they are used as Turkey’s Trojan horse for its attempts to control Cyprus. Ihsan Caglayangil, Turkish foreign minister in the 70s once famously said: we did not come to Cyprus for the Turkish-Cypriot blue eyes. So no, I do not hate the Turkish-Cypriots.

 AC: In regards to the division, and the fact that almost half a decade has passed, do you believe that Cyprus will be one again? If you do follow this political situation, can you please tell me your views about it?

D: Either we carry on like China and Taiwan, unresolved but the rest of the world accepting even informally of the division and learning to accommodate it or there is a solution that nobody is happy with.

It all depends on Erdogan’s (President of Turkey) fate. He is leading Turkey into dangerous waters. He thinks he is turning Turkey into a great power by striking an independent line from the west but getting in bed with Putin will come to no good. Playing the west against Putin is a game played on a razor’s edge. There is no guarantee that not another coup to depose Erdogan and Turkey has a habit of lurching from one economic crisis into another. Unless Turkey is severely weakened it will always try to annex Cyprus, or at least control it through the political control the Turkish-Cypriots will get from a reluctant but imposed solution.

As Greek-Cypriots we never miss an opportunity for a solution. Read about all the solutions proposed since the mid-50s starting with Britain offering us self-determination in ten years with nary a thought about the Turkish-Cypriots -after all, they were an insignificant minority- which naturally, we turned down because we wanted a union and we wanted it now!

 Kolokotronis, Papaflessas and Karaiskakis (important figures of the Greek War of Independence) never compromised, and neither will Greek-Cypriots say as we ignore history and how Greeks won their independence only because it suited the great powers of the day to weaken the Ottoman Empire. We ignore how our great Orthodox leadership wanted nothing to do with 1821 because they were enjoying privileges bestowed by the Ottomans. Leave aside the stories of Germanos III of Old Patras (an Orthodox Metropolitan of Patras who played an important role in the Greek Revolution of 1821, having diplomatic and political activity) blessing the start of the war of independence against the Ottomans. They wanted nothing to do with it. But they teach us this nonsense at school because there is a use for a national narrative that gives us a noble sense of history and that we are our own agents of it. It is a glue that strengthens our national identity.

 Every following proposal for Cyprus was worse than the one before. We think we are the centre of the world and that someday the Virgin Mary will perform a miracle and restore things as rosy as before. And we will also take back Constantinople (Istanbul) and the church bells will ring once again at Hagia Sophia. We are naive, stupid and ahistorical people that refuse to understand how history plays out for tiny nations. You either learn to ride on the back of sharks or you get eaten as you think you are writing golden pages in the history books. The best we can hope for is some solution of a much-decentralised government with minimal compensation for lost properties. A few villages will be handed back along with parts of Famagusta and that will be that.

I will be 70 next year and was 24 when we were ethnically cleansed from our homes and erased from our history. Soon there will be very few who will be alive and remember how things were before 1974. The only ones who will remember or at least keep the problem alive will be Greek-Cypriot politicians who have made their careers from fiery speeches about the “Cyprus Problem”. They will be the ones winding up the chauvinists and earning their votes. How many still clamour to return to Smyrna? They are all dead and Smyrna is only a distant memory in the history books. 

But then, I never thought apartheid would come to an end or that the Soviet Union would one day collapse. Now we never think that China's Communist Party will ever lose power, or that North Korea will fare a similar fate. Yet history can be full of surprises. I live in hope.

[neighbourskid]

We Were Voyagers!

(original date: 26 March 2017)

Wanderlust is a feeling I experience every single day of my life.

And it makes sense. Because the voyager, the traveler, the seeker of new worlds, that is in my blood.

I'm a quarter Italian. My grandma, my nonna, came from Italy to Switzerland when she was in her twenties. Her ancestors came from South America to Italy. Apparently, in that quarter Italian, there's some Native American in there as well. Inca, if I remember correctly.

The explorer is in my blood.

My nonna's brother emigrated to Australia. My cousin lives in Dubai with her husband – who's from England – and kids. My uncle's lived in various places all over the world and has just recently moved back to Switzerland after having lived in the Netherlands for a long time. His husband is from a country in South America (I can't remember which one, but they speak Spanish not Portuguese) and studies in Spain. The rest of my immediate family is scattered all over Switzerland.

The traveler is in my blood.

That need to go out and see has been planted within me from the beginning. I have always loved seeing new things, exploring, travelling, learning from my experiences.

One of my first games that I played, was Pokémon Sapphire. And I loved it so much. Because in its essence, it is not about collecting all the monsters, beating all the other trainers, winning in the Top 4 and becoming champion. In its purest essence, Pokémon games are about a kid going out into the world they live in and explore it. See all there is to see. Travelling across the lands and just taking in different places and cultures.

When my brother got the Gamecube for his birthday, one of the games we played most besides Mario Kart was a game I still think is the best game Nintendo has ever created: Super Mario Sunshine. Mario games have always had that exploring in it, too. But Sunshine had those fantastic worlds. The islands, the sea, the exotic landscapes and stories. The amusement park, the hotel, the marina, the village on the hills. It had that essence of exploring new worlds. It wasn't about necessarily the Mushroom Kingdom anymore. It was a holiday destination. A resort to relax and recharge. And it was so beautiful, it is so beautiful. I still love it with all my heart, and I wish so bad that I could forget how the different worlds look like and what the levels are about so that I could experience that wonder again, that excitement of seeing new worlds, new things.

When I was about... five, my Dad got a PlayStation 1 from a friend. One day we bought the Lilo&Stitch game, and just like in the movies and the tv show, the voyager in me rejoiced. Lilo&Stitch is such a beautiful concept. That little Hawaiian girl, who's so lonely because she is different, and the otherworldly escapist who's never really known what it meant to belong— these two get to explore and experience this world they live in, in so many different and beautiful ways. And I just loved that show and that game. I just recently watched the first movie again, and I tell you I basically wept throughout the whole 1.5 hours of that movie. Because it just touched me. There's so much longing in me for such adventures.

I just now watched Moana for the first time. I cried the first time after like maybe five minutes. I lost count how much I teared or choked up, or actually cried. When I first heard the soundtrack last year, I knew exactly that this movie would turn out to be that way. That it would be for today's kids what Lilo&Stitch has been for me. It has that exact essence that Lilo&Stitch has. That longing for more, that need to find yourself out there in the world. Figuring out who you are. "We were voyagers!" Moana screams again and again after her grandma shows her the ships of their ancestors. That just resonated so much with me. It's such a beautifully done movie and I'm tearing up again just thinking about it.

Wanderlust is part of who I am. I was raised on all these stories about travelling, finding yourself on your adventures. Discovering new places, exploring new worlds.

Lilo&Stitch. Pokémon. Super Mario. Brothers Bear. For God's sake, even Over the Hedge. Harry Potter. I mean, it's all about Harry discovering an all new world to him. And then Pirates of the Caribbean came along. Lord of the Rings. And also the NBC show Heroes, which was all about figuring out who you are in this world. It never left me.

There's this song by a Swiss musician called "Children of Columbus" and in its chorus he sings:

They are the children of Columbus They are the sons of Magellan And they are buying their freedom With the way over the Ocean

This song never fails to light up my longing for adventure and going out there, going over the ocean and seeing the world.

I'm such a water person, you know. Apparently I was born in the bathtub. And I kinda always blame it on that, but I'm such a water child. Being at the beach makes me so incredibly happy. I've said this before, but in that atmosphere at the beach, I think I could get the most horrendous text or call and I would just shrug it off. In that atmosphere I just feel so content and okay. Nothing bad can happen to me. It's so peaceful. I'm always very drawn to bodies of water. When I visit my dad I have to take a train that goes by two big lakes. That scenery always calms me down. I hate it so much that we are landlocked. That I don't have direct access to the sea. That I have to go to France or Italy or Spain or Germany to see the ocean. I wish I would live closer to it. So that I could just go out in the evenings and sit in the sand and stare out at the horizon.

I'm so dependent on sunlight. I've realised this just lately. This winter was hard. I always felt so crappy and depressed and just sad. And then February came around and we had the first really, sunny day again. And I was instantly so happy. Then March came around and it got warm. I've spent every possible second in the sun. Studying out on the terrasse, eating lunch outside. It's not even April yet and I already have a tan. A visible tan. And it drives me so much. Sunshine gives me so much energy.

I'm drawn to the beach. Every single day of my life. I feel like Moana. Everywhere I go, I am always drawn to the shore. To water.

I've lived outside of this little village for a little while when I was probably two or something. I can't remember, really. But other than that I have always lived in this village. I moved four times within this village, but I'm still here. And I tell you, there are days where I just want to pack everything together and just leave. I have seen it with this village. I can't stand being here any minute longer. Then on other days I am content here. I know that I can leave someday – and I will leave someday – but it's okay that it isn't right now. I'm okay with that. Sometimes.

Sometimes I feel like we've missed our shot at being explorers. The world has been discovered. There's nothing new under the sun, as they say. Of course, a lot of our oceans have yet to be explored and space travel is well underway, but it's not open to everyone. I feel like Columbus must've had it so easy. His horizon wasn't finished yet. There were things to be found, to be explored. He was able to get on a ship and just go and look what's out there.

We can't just get in a rocket ship and try exploring new worlds out there in the vast universe. It's not as easy as getting a crew together, getting a ship and then going out on the sea, There's so much more at stake.

But I still want to go and explore. Because I haven't seen the world yet, even if it's been discovered. I haven't discovered it for myself. I haven't explored countries, gone on adventures in the outback, have never seen a jungle in real life. I haven't been in a rainforest or in a desert. But I want to. So badly.

Christopher Columbus. Juan Ponce de León. Ferdinand Magellan. James Cook. John Glenn. Neil Armstrong. Their blood is my blood. Their thirst for exploring new worlds, travelling into no man's land, boldly going where no one has gone before; that thirst is my thirst. My desire. My longing.

My ancestors were voyagers.

So why shouldn't I be?

[wayneooverton]

Where is New Zealand? And other questions you’re too embarrassed to ask

I don’t know why this keeps happening, but New Zealand has been left off a world map. Again.

This isn’t the first time either. In fact, it happens frequently. WTF guys?

There was even a #GetNZOnTheMap campaign to remind people that hey, we’re a tiny but awesome nation down here in the Pacific so please don’t forget about us.

I know, it’s hard to keep up with every country, especially the tiny ones that seem far, far away but I thought this blog had done a decent enough job of helping shed light on what New Zealand is all about for foreigners.

Apparently, there’s still work to do, so let’s get into it.

Is New Zealand Real?

No joke, this is the first auto-fill question that pops up in google after you type “Is New Zealand…”

Yes, it’s real. It’s an actual country with a functioning government and real humans with jobs and lives and hobbies. Population – under 5 million people.

Someone please tell that to Kazakhstan who once detained a Kiwi traveling there because they were skeptical that New Zealand was a real country. Jesus.

Where is it?

New Zealand is an island nation the South Pacific Ocean, about 2,000 km east of Australia across the Tasman Sea.

It’s made up two main islands (North and South Islands, yeah we know, creative) and a few off-shoot smaller islands.

Bottom of the world!

Is it the same as Australia?

No, they are completely separate countries. Please don’t ever ask this in New Zealand if you don’t want to get punched in the face.

Ok, but can you drive to Australia?

Also no. These two countries are separated by 2,000km of open ocean. Definitely not.

Are there any dangerous animals?

No, not really, unless you count humans.

We have no venomous snakes, spiders, scorpions or bitey insects unlike our neighbors across the Tasman.

We do have one species of venomous spiders, the katipō, which is super rare to see. They are quite shy and will probably only bite if being squished. There is no evidence of any deaths due to a katipō bite in the last 100 years so you’re probably safe.

There have been a few, rare spottings of red back and white tail spiders, likely brought over from Australia. Thanks a lot, guys. But again, nothing to worry about, you probably won’t even see them.

What side of the road do they drive on?

In New Zealand we drive on the left side of the road.

If you’re visiting and you have never driven on the left before, you’d do everyone a great favor if you looked up the road code and familiarized yourself with this driving style before coming over.

Roads are different here, they are mountainous, winding, and generally not that great. And dangerous tourist drivers are all too common here.

Is New Zealand a modernized country?

Yes. We have electricity and cars and even the coveted world wide web.

We don’t have central heating though, so I guess it depends on your definition of modernized. (Okay, okay we do have heating but old New Zealand houses are notoriously drafty and poorly insulated.)

Do you have kangaroos?

Negative. We’re happy to keep that drama over in Australia.

Do you have dolphins?

Yes! It’s common to see dolphins all along the coast.

Do you have sharks?

Yes, however, shark attacks are infrequent. Only 12 people have been killed in shark attacks since we began keeping records.

You tend to have sharks when you’re an island nation surrounded by open ocean.

Do you have owls?

I don’t know why this is a frequently search question, but apparently, it is. Yes, we have owls in case you were curious for some reason.

The native morepork or ruru is an owl and it is known for its haunting, melancholic call and is an important creature in Māori culture and it’s the only native owl species left in New Zealand.

Do you have penguins?

Do we ever!

New Zealand is home to more 7 species of penguins: Rockhopper Penguin, Tawaki or Fiordland Penguin, Snares Penguin, Erect-crested Penguin, Yellow-eyed Penguin, White-flippered Penguin and Blue Penguin.

They aren’t as big as the Emperor Penguins you’re probably picturing in your head right now but they are still cute and adorable, and many of them are endangered.

Do you have crocodiles?

Fuck no.

Are there really as many sheep as everyone says?

Yes, we have about 9 sheep to every 1 person in New Zealand. They are cute and adorable when you first get here but like most things, they quickly become commonplace and really not all that interesting.

Springtime here is amazing when all the little lambies are born.

Where is Old Zealand?

The name New Zealand comes from the Dutch word “Zeeland” and was dubbed New Zealand after being spotted by Dutch Explorer Abel Tasman from the Netherlands in 1642.

As you may have guessed Zeeland is a Dutch province in the Netherlands. The Māori name for New Zealand is “Aotearoa” which means land of the long white cloud.

A much cooler name if you ask me.

Do New Zealanders live in Hobbit Holes?

What the hell is this question? Sigh.

Although if you’re Lord of the Ring obsessed, you can visit the original set of Hobbiton and take a tour. Just keep in mind actual, real Kiwis live in actual, real houses.

No one lives in the hobbit holes in Hobbiton. I hate to spoil it, but there is nothing inside, and they’re empty.

Do they celebrate Australia day?

No. Australia celebrates Australia day, and even there it is controversial.

Do they celebrate the Fourth of July?

No. Think of why that holiday was created and then ask yourself why any other country in the world would celebrate that besides America.

Is New Zealand part of the EU?

No. We are not even apart of Europe.

We were once governed by Great Britain but slowly gained our independence and now remain as a colony of Great Britain. Technically, the queen of England is also our queen but we run our parliament completely separate from the Monarchy.

Is it really like what I saw in Lord of the Rings?

I mean I guess?

Scenery wise, it’s just as (if not more) impressive than the movies. Culture-wise? No. Please refer to my earlier answer on living in Hobbit Holes.

When are their seasons?

New Zealand is in the Southern Hemisphere so they have summer from December through February, autumn from March until May, winter from June until August, and spring occurs from September to November.

It’s basically opposite.

Does the toilet water flush the other way?

I literally have no idea. This is something I’ve never paid attention to. I wouldn’t even know which way the water flushes in the northern hemisphere. Y’all need to get a life.

It’s a small country, I should easily be able to get from the top to the bottom, right?

Technically, sure, depending on your definition of easy.

You can certainly drive the length of the entire country (albeit, you have to put your car on a ferry to get between islands), however, it’s going to take you a while.

By area, New Zealand is slightly larger in size than Great Britain and driving from tip to tip will take you well over 24 hours in a car. The roads are long and crazy, no modern straight highways here.

Does New Zealand have a president?

No, we have a Prime Minister and she’s a certified BOSS.

View this post on Instagram

Happy Lunar New Year!

A post shared by Jacinda Ardern (@jacindaardern) on Feb 2, 2019 at 2:26am PST

Is New Zealand safe?

Yes, super safe.

In spite of the recent terrorist attack in Christchurch, we have a few random spots of crime but compared to the rest of the world, we’re doing okay. Our murder rates have recently hit a 40 year low.

And our boss of a Prime Minister Jacinda has had our gun laws changed in six days to make it even safer.

Is New Zealand expensive?

It really depends on what you think expensive is. If you’re coming to visit and you’re expecting prices on par with SE Asia, yeah, you’ll be in for a shock.

Here are some price points to help give you an idea so you can make your own conclusions: a beer at the pub ($8-10), movie ticket ($18-20), a liter of gasoline ($2.30/liter, $8.50/gallon), an in-season avocado ($2), an out of season avocado ($6.50), a coffee from a coffee shop ($4.50-$5), monthly rent ($800 – $1200/month), a cheap lunch ($10).

Most people consider it fairly expensive, especially kiwis.

What language do they speak in New Zealand?

New Zealand has three official languages:Māori, New Zealand Sign Language, and English.

They tend to mumble when speaking English so even though, yes, technically it is English, it might leave you scratching your head for a hot minute before you figure out what they’re talking about. Kiwi slang is going strong here!

What continent does it belong to?

No continent. New Zealand belongs to Oceania which is a region of the world, not a continent.

A continent is a large land of mass so places in the world (like New Zealand and Hawaii) that do not belong to a continent but rather a region of the world that is dominated by water. Oceania is divided into sub-regions including Polynesia, Micronesia, and Melanesia.

New Zealand falls into the subregion of Oceania, Polynesia (as does Hawaii in case you were wondering)

Is it really as magical as it seems?

Yes. But also no, of course not.

New Zealand is doing some amazing things and yeah, sure, it’s stupidly beautiful but at the end of the day, it’s a country, just like yours. We have our own issues and areas for improvement just like any other country. Sure we have postcards worthy landscapes around every corner. But we also have one of the highest youth suicide rates in the world and the runoff and mismanagement by the dairy industry is polluting the country at a rate that’s almost laughable.

Yes, we are planning the use of single-use plastic. But we also have one of the highest rates for family violence in the developed world. What I’m trying to say is, yes it’s a great country but just like any country, we still have a lot of work to do.

People to idealize it here, me included. It’s magical to many but it is imperfect too.

What did I miss? Have any burning questions about New Zealand that you were too afraid to ask? Spill and we’ll reply, though we can’t promise we won’t sass. 

The post Where is New Zealand? And other questions you’re too embarrassed to ask appeared first on Young Adventuress.

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[marketerarena-blog]

Five Wild Days Aboard a New England Squid Boat

Corey Harris wasn’t concerned about the storm. The captain of Rhonda Denise, a 77-foot commercial trawler, he’d been stuck in port all week, as two nor’easters, in early March, slammed the New England coast back-to-back. Now a third brewed offshore. But Harris saw an opportunity. “We’ll thread the needle between the storms,” he told me over the phone. We’d catch as much squid as possible, then haul ass back to port before the next system hit. Bring seasickness medicine, he added. “It’ll be rough—but worth it.”

The Ultimate New England-Style Clambake

On the Thursday of our departure, the Port of Galilee, in Point Judith, Rhode Island, was full of boats but empty of people. If you’ve eaten calamari at a seafood shack or a little red-sauce joint, odds are it crossed the dock here in Point Judith. In 2016, the village’s 119 vessels landed 22.6 million pounds of squid, valued at $28.6 million—its best haul to date. It’s the 15th-highest-earning seaport in the country and first in squid on the Atlantic seaboard. By all measures, it’s the calamari capital of the East Coast. And with ongoing downturns in cod, flounder, and haddock, scores of commercial fishermen, not only here but also up and down the New England shore, now depend on squid to stay afloat in a notoriously unpredictable industry.

  Harris met me in the parking lot. Among the local fishermen, he’s one of “the few young guys worth a shit,” a longtime captain told me. He’s also something of an anomaly. The salutatorian of his high school, in Babylon, New York, he dropped out of his university’s predental program, in 2007, to work on trawlers, drawn to fishing for reasons that he can’t quite explain. Soft-spoken and ambitious, with a tight red beard, he started as a deckhand on Rhonda Denise, made captain by age 22, and became a co-owner a few years later. Now, at 31, he’s still 20 years younger than the majority of guys on the dock. “The storms have kept most boats in,” he told me. “There’s no fish on the market. Prices will be high.” There was no need to worry about the weather, he added—as long as we made it back by Monday.

Rhonda Denise cruises close to shore. Michael R. Shea

  WIND AND FLECKS of snow ripped through the rigging as Rhonda Denise headed south, rolling through 12-foot seas. In summer, female Atlantic longfin squid lay eggs by the millions in the warm waters off Rhode Island. But in winter, they amass on the edge of the continental shelf, more than a hundred miles offshore. So that was where we were going.

By sundown, the four of us aboard were alone, with nothing but ocean for miles around. These long hauls are worth it for Harris. Ninety percent of the seafood that Americans consume is imported. But Atlantic longfin squid are so superior in taste, texture, and resilience when cooked that demand outstrips supply, giving local captains an uncommon edge in the industry. The price of squid seldom dips, staying at $1.50 a pound or better, and that’s no small change when you haul in 10,000 pounds a drag.

The Absolute Beginner's Guide to Fly-Fishing

Morning came quickly, Harris flipped on the bunkroom light at 5. Once dressed and topside, the crew—brothers Ryan Smith, 24, and Dave Smith, 26, both bearded and stocky—began stacking plastic totes on the deck, unfazed by the 10-foot seas that had me stumbling. Ryan is the shorter and quieter of the two. He started working with Harris in 2017, when a DUI charge left him needing a job that didn’t require driving. He’d hardly missed a trip since and was on track to make $80,000 by the end of 2018. Dave, a recovering alcoholic, was a more recent hire, after he’d bounced from ship to ship for several years. Still, he expected to make $70,000 in 2018, a good living for a 26-year-old, much less one 16 months sober. “This is the best boat I’ve ever been on,” he told me. “I’m not going to screw it up.” Working with Ryan is certainly an appeal; on his chest Dave has a tattoo of the two of them as teenagers. “He’s my brother,” he explained. “I love him.”

More than 100 miles offshore, brothers Dave Smith (left) and Ryan Smith clean monkfish on Rhonda Denise. Michael R. Shea

  The pair soon took its place behind a giant winch and let a spool of net and cable as large as a tractor tire play out into the sea. Once submerged, the net would open to 15 feet tall, 135 feet wide, and 120 feet long; drag along the ocean floor; and—the crew hoped—find squid, fluke, and other keepers. The technique is called bottom trawling, and Harris is fortunate to have the permits to do it. For decades, environmental groups have criticized the practice, claiming that it bulldozes the ocean floor. Though the long-term sustainability of the method remains up for debate, the government has dialed back quotas for finfish, like flounder and haddock. The price of federal permits has also skyrocketed, which has prevented many young guys from breaking into the business; lucky for Harris, Rhonda Denise already had permits when he became a co-owner.

An hour and a half later, 5,000 pounds of fish, a pile the size of a Camry, dropped into a squared-off pen midship. Dave rolled his eyes and groaned; Ryan said nothing. It was a mixed bag that fishermen call swill—butterfish, fluke, dogfish, lingcod, sea robin, weakfish. Squid, to the crew’s disappointment, weren’t here in large number. Turning this pile into dollars would take work.

A longfin squid. Michael R. Shea

  Harris and Dave climbed onto the mound and started tossing dogfish and sea robins overboard. Nearby, at a waist-high conveyor belt, Ryan sorted the keepers—squid, whiting, monkfish—into large red laundry baskets.

They worked quickly; fish zipped by. Harris pushed the pile onto the conveyor with a broom, then I took a turn. We filled 54 baskets, 60 pounds apiece, then switched to totes until the remainder disappeared. Below deck, Dave shoveled some of the boat’s 20 tons of ice into cardboard boxes to store the catch.

The storm was rolling south from Nova Scotia. Any breakdown, delay, or trouble, and we’d be in seas as tall as the ship was long.

By the time we finished packing the first haul, the net was full again and ready to be brought up. This kind of mixed-bag fishing can wreck a crew, Harris told me. “It takes an hour and a half to sort a pile like that, and our net fills up every 50 minutes.” A lot of boats don’t bother with this type of fishing, he explained, since they end up throwing back more than they catch and the prices for the keepers can swing widely. “That’s why guys like squid,” he said. “It’s big, clean bags, and the price is set.”

It was well past midnight before we broke for dinner. Everyone was exhausted, but Harris remained upbeat. On his phone he played a video of his 4-year-old son, Brody, who has cerebral palsy, trying to rock climb at a gym. His grandparents had wanted to take him, Harris explained. But he hadn’t liked the harness. “We can get a different one, but they’re expensive,” Harris added. “Everything for special-needs kids is so damn expensive.” The cost of raising a son with disabilities is, in no small part, why he pushes himself as hard as he does. In fishing, pay is directly tied to effort, and effort is measured in pounds.

With squid in short supply, Dave Smith watches as a 12,000-pound bag of scrip—worth as much as $20,000—hits the deck. Michael R. Shea

  The Top Spots For Fishing in America

BY SUNUP MONDAY, after two days of mixed- bag fishing, the forecast had changed. The nor’easter wouldn’t make landfall until Tues- day, buying us more time. But not much. The sea was flat—the quiet before the storm.

Dave and Ryan killed time on the deck while Harris positioned the boat for another drag. Dave leaped into the air and attempted a jump kick. “See that?” he said to Ryan, as he threw karate chops to the left and right of his head. “Too fast. Too fast. What, what?—sucka.”

Comedy is necessary to endure the grind of these trips. The crew stays in rubber boots and bibs for 10, 12, even 16 hours at a time, as they push and sort fish, haul nets, toss bycatch, box keepers, and make counts. They sleep in two- hour shifts, once or twice every 24 hours, until they’re needed again.

“One more drag, then we’re scupping,” Harris said. “Everyone loves scupping. It means we’re going home.”

“I freaking hate scupping,” Dave said once Harris was out of earshot. “It’s a shit-ton of work, and they might be 25 cents a pound.”

For decades, scup, or porgy, were as reliable and profitable as squid are today. Then after a few bad years, the government limited catch quotas, leading to a boom in farm-raised tilapia. The scup came back, and the harvest limits remain high today. But the commercial market has never fully recovered. Should the same fate befall squid, captains like Harris would surely go under—a looming concern, compounded by worries about bottom-trawling bans, like one passed in April on the West Coast.

The crew chows down after a hard day at sea. Michael R. Shea

  We made three tows, each bigger than the last—6,000 pounds, 8,000 pounds, 12,000 pounds. Scup the size of dinner plates filled the net. “If these things are two bucks,” Harris said, “this is a $20,000 bag.” Or it might just as easily be worth $3,000. Either way, we raced to get through the pile, all hands pushing or sorting fish. The storm was rolling south from Nova Scotia. Any breakdown, delay, or trouble, and we’d be in seas as tall as the ship was long. Harris set the pace—hustling about, throwing dogfish, hosing baskets, moving totes—as the crew tried to keep up.

By 2 a.m., the last basket was dumped below deck, and we sat around the galley for a customary final night’s steak dinner. The guys were excited, for a hard job well done, a potential payday, home. But, mostly, they were just beat. The ship motored through the night. When we reached the Point Judith at 7 the next morning, the dock hummed with activity. The nor’easter had been upgraded to a major winter storm; we’d beat it in by six hours.

Dockside, Harris worked a small crane, while Ryan and Dave attached cartons of fish to a conveyor that ran 90 yards from the ship to the heart of Seafreeze, one of the largest commercial processors on the coast. All told, we’d caught 625 boxes of fish, or 41,520 pounds. That meant, in five days, and only three of fishing, the crew had netted $80,000 in seafood. After expenses and the boat’s cut, the brothers each made $9,000, and Harris pulled in $13,000. “We killed it,” he said, standing in Seafreeze, attaching little tags to the cartons, bound for the Fulton Fish Market, in the Bronx, New York.

I asked what was next.

“Home,” he said. “Sleep.”

This story appeared in the September 2018 print issue, with the headline, “Here’s the Catch.”

https://askfitness.today/five-wild-days-aboard-a-new-england-squid-boat/

[dangerouscrusadefire-blog]

My employer only pays for some of my health insurance. Am I allowed to deduct the remaining that I pay on my taxes?

"My employer only pays for some of my health insurance. Am I allowed to deduct the remaining that I pay on my taxes?

My employer only pays for some of my health insurance. Am I allowed to deduct the remaining that I pay on my taxes?

BEST ANSWER:  Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://insureinfo.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr 

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Where can I add my name to health insurance waiting list and what are average waiting times?

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What kind of insurance can I get on just personal property?

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""How to find old life insurance policies in vermont, montpelier?

one million dollar life insurance policies

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Cheapest auto insurance for a teen?

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My car insurance in RI?

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Car Insurance question reguarding the color of the car?

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Who has the cheapest auto insurance policies in Pennsylvania?

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Car insurance changes depending where you live?

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Classic car insurance?

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In Michigan do you need to keep full coverage on your motorcycle even if it is in storage when you have loan?

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Car Insurance Fine costs driving without insurance on one car but had 3rd party on another?

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Car insurance question!?

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Car insurance?

My auto insurance has expired and I'm kinda looking for a new car insurance. I can extend the previous car insurance, but I just want to know about other car insurances as well so that I can make a good choice. I took a look at many car insurance company websites, but it seemed like I need to put all my personal information (not only about my car and my email address but also my home address, phone# etc) to get a quote. I'm worried that maybe they would send me all kinds of junk mail kinda stuff to my house if I put my address on the form to get a quote. Do you know any good ways of getting a quote without telling them my personal info? Any recommendation which car insurance company is good? Btw I've never got into any car accidents so I just need a cheap auto insurance. I drive '83 caddi.""

I need a cheap insurance company.?

My friends problem: Well my mom decides that im not going under her insurance today, meaning I have 4 days to find a cheap insurance company and get my car insured. If anyone could tell me what they drive and how much they pay and what company it would be greatly appreciated.""

Will a B average my freshman year apply to an auto insurance discount?

I had a 3.2 last year (my freshman) year, and as of now I have about a 2.5. I'll be getting my car soon, so if I can't bring it up by then, will they accept last year's GPA so I can get a 10% discount?""

Insurance and mental health treatment?

I work for the state of Texas and sign up for health select insurance will it cover MHMR treatment for depression?

Can you get your Lexis-Nexis insurance score?

I recently got a quote for auto insurance, and the company said they used Lexis-Nexis insurance score - am I entitled to get a copy of this report for free? If anything on it is wrong, can I have it changed?""

Is This Right? (Retinal Detachment/Cataract/Lens/Insur... Question)?

Let me make a very long story short and get right to the questions. I have moved across the United States by myself at the age of 20 with no insurance covered by my parents, nor will they ever if they could. I had a retinal detachment in my left eye. Paid out of pocket for an eye doctor appointment, he freaked out and told me to go straight to the emergency room for emergency surgery since my entire retina was detached. After my surgery, half unconscious too, a social worker got assigned to me because I was under 21 and legally dependent on the state. So the state paid for my surgery. I had a 2nd one too because the first failed. During my 2nd surgery I had cataracts in my eye so they removed the natural lens. And they never replaced the natural lens since they feared the retina may detach again like the first time. But it stay together and I turned 21. So therefore, legally independent by the state. My check up appointment was after my birthday which the front desk of the eye section declared I must pay $80 for every check up visit, which they wanted me to come in every other week. And if I did not pay, I could not go in. Due to my 6 months of surgeries and recover time I had no money, and was not working. I live with my in-laws, and they were taking care of me, but they are certainly not going to pay my medical bills. So here I am now, age 22 and I have been working for about a year. My job does not offer health insurance until you worked for a year, and even then, there is a certain month you can sign up. I have been walking around for over a year without a natural lens, or ANY lens in my left eye. This is in no way like being blind. My doctor had told me that if I got my license and drove, if ever in an accident, I would get in serious trouble because you are not supposed to drive this way. Not that I do, I cannot see correctly so it is wicked dangerous. Having no lens in one eyes messes with your other eye. Hard to explain unless you have literally had this situation before. Sunlight glares into my bad eye, then into my good eye. Same with darkness or bright lights in general. I am actually very blind at night because of this. This is literally ruining my life. I have no money to pay for insurance, or the surgery which can be easily be 10,000 dollars. Is this legal for a county hospital to do? I have never heard of anyone in my situation. Even the thousands of times I have googled and searched. Never heard of anyone in my shoes. What are my rights here? Is there some way I can fight this? Where is my justice? This is holding me back so badly in life. Please someone with real help and not a crappy site they copy and pasted, help! I need some real human help!!""

My employer only pays for some of my health insurance. Am I allowed to deduct the remaining that I pay on my taxes?

My employer only pays for some of my health insurance. Am I allowed to deduct the remaining that I pay on my taxes?

How expensive can i expect the car insurance for this car to be?

Car insurance for a 27 year old with 3 years driving experience( that i can prove xD) on a brand new Porsche Boxster S

How much would i have to pay for insurance driving a small ninja 250r? I'm only a teen...but i love bikes.?

Im a 16 year old guy who will soon get his drivers license, but quite frankly im not too thrilled about being able to drive. I love driving and all, but i really enjoy riding a bike. I used to ride motocross too. I had a kx100 until my parents had to sell them because of their divorce. I used to ride with my dad on his ninja zx11, and i had the best time on it. He always told me insurance would be sky high for someone my age if i were to have, say, a cbr 600f4 or something similar( i dont want a 1000, not now). He then told me a good first bike would be a 250 ninja or cbr. I thought they were kinda gay at first, but considering insurance and such i really am considering it. But first, i need to get some quotes...give me an average please i dont know what insurance my parents are on.""

Changing Insurance Carriers (auto)??

Hi! I've been insured with a well known company for 8-9 years. I have a clean driving record, and need to cut some costs. The gecko got to me! I recently got some new quotes, which are cheaper than my present carrier. I called my company and they will not lower their rate, so I'm thinking about changing to another company. Is there any loyalty factor at all, or should I just go ahead and change carriers? I was careful to be sure that the bids I got were for policies that exactly match what I have now...but I'm afraid of starting new, I guess. And, is there anything else I need to be concerned about? What do you think?""

Car insurance? Who is covered? Who is responsible?

Okay I had a question about car insurance... I am on my grandfather's car insurance plan- I live with my boyfriend. I believe I am the only one insured to drive the car....My boyfriend's mother and step-father don't have a car right now and often times ask to borrow my car- I've been letting them until it was brought to my attention that they may not be covered in that car? Does this mean I would be responsible for anything that happened? Or would they? If another car was at fault for the accident what would happen? Anyone know how this works?

Do you need insurance to register a car under your name?

Im a bout to buy a used car but im curious to know if you need insurance before the dmv can register the car under your name? thanks alot for taking the time to help me out, its all appreciated""

What companies offer dental insurance in california?

What companies offer dental insurance in california?

What happens if you get in a accident with no insurance?

I got in an accident today. It wasn't my car it was my moms, I gave the cop my license, registration, and insurance. However, I didn't know that the insurance was lapsed. It hadn't been paid. There wasn't any damage to the lady's car, and minimal damage to mine. Me and the women were getting ready to take off, but a cop came up, and said that because it was a main road, that we needed to fill out an accident report. She isn't gonna call her insurance company, but if she does, and they find out there wasn't insurance, are there fines to pay, do they take the car? I know I'll have to pay for whatever damages she may have on her car out of my pocket.""

Is it true that red cars cost more to insure?

I live in Oregon if that makes a difference.

Where can i buy cheap insurance for 13 years olds in Atlanta?

I Have a 13yr old and i need to get Cheap insurance for him to play.

""Would insurance be more expensive for a Nissan Sentra, or a Ford Fiesta?""

I live in Pa, either car I get will be financed. I got an offer for the Sentra for 72 Months for $275 a month, and the lowest car insurance for that would be $180 so far for that. I did not yet go out to look for a Ford Fiesta, but from what I hear they are less expensive on car insurance. I aparently have til Monday to give the Dealers my decision before the deal drops which I highly doubt , I think they were just telling me that to pressure me into making a quicker decision/mistake. Please give me your advise. Can they really only give me a certain amout of time for the offer? They claimed it had to do with other customers possibly taking any of the money toward loans from the banks... I am new at this stuff and what is more expensive to have insurance on?""

How much would insurance be for a first time driver thats 19?

im gonna buy a brand new 2012 volkswagen gli thats 25k and its my first car and was wondering what would the insurace cost monthly for me

I wrecked my motorcycle with no insurance in fl help?

So a year ago i wrecked my motorcycle, crashing into another car. I did not have insurance or a motorcycle Endorsement. I live in fl so im kind of familiar with the not at fault law. However the insurance company from the other party has sent a bill for 9k an request i pay it. Some people are telling me to ignore it an others are telling me to pay. Need help would be thankful. Im trying to be a firefighter paramedic an i do not want this to kill my chances. Thank you""

GTP vs Camaro Insurance?

Hey guys, Looking at a 95 Z28 Lt1 Camaro or a 01 Pontiac GTP, Which one would have the cheapest insurance? If you own one what are you paying?""

""Cheapest method for car insurance for 17 year old male, UK?""

hy guys, im 16 at the moment, and 17 in november and desperate to pass my driving test ASAP, which is the cheapest way to go about car insurance? ive heard vans insurence is cheaper? or going on parents insurance? im looking to get my own car, not to share my parents. please help me out guys! thanks x""

Do I need insurance to drive someone elses car?

I just got my license 2 days ago, I don't own a car so I was wondering if I can drive my moms friends car? He has insurance, but do I need insurance to drive that car? I don't have any insurance what so ever. But even though, is it still ok to drive someone elses car?""

""I am in the militarty and moved to another state, can I have my car insurance from my home state?

I am a resident of and my vehicle is registered in South Carolina and I am stationed in California. California's insurance is way higher than SCs. I would like to carry insurance from SC on my vehicle.

How much is motorcycle insurance?

For an 18 year old male with a streetbike, how much would insurance cost. I am just looking for a range because I plan to get a bike in the future and want to be prepared.""

Good cheap nice looking car for a 16 year old and easy to insure?

Good cheap nice looking car for a 16 year old and easy to insure?

What one would be cheaper for insurance and do you own a sports car if so how much on insurance is it for yo?

When I turn 16 I was thinking of getting a sports car and I was wondering what one would be cheaper for insurance would it be a 2004 mustang or a 2002 camaro or a 1974 challenger I live in nebraska in a small town we have the money to own one but I want to know what would be cheaper and how much it would cost yearly or monthly and If you own a sports car what kind and how much do you pay monthly

Can I move my car insurance now?

I am currently insuring my car with direct line and they are charging me 47 per month however I have just noticed that when i do an online quote with them- exactly the same cover as what I have its priced at 23 per month. Can I move my car insurance to a different company now or do I have to wait for the renewal date? If not why are they charging me so much more than their online quote? Also the cheeky gits charged me 60 to renew my address with them when i moved house....surely that can't be right??

I do not have any health insurance. Where can I find a psychiatrist to talk to in VA that is affordable?

I do not have any health insurance. Where can I find a psychiatrist to talk to in VA that is affordable?

Car Insurance Question?

I am a little under 15 and a half years old and my dad has debated and almost bought a lot of cars for me, from ford f650's to 1965 or higher mustangs and jaguars. but so far we have thought that the car that would be good for my first car would be a 1994 Ford Mustang with a V8 with 30k miles0. which is perfect because that was the year i was born. So my question is that since its a sports car and its V8 about how much would my insurance be when i could start driving by myself?/ insurance for the other kinds of cars/trucks?""

When do I need to get insurance when purchasing a car?

I'm going shopping this weekend for a new(used) car. I have current insurance on my car right now. If I end up getting a car this weekend can I wait until Monday to get insurance, or do I have to do it that day? I'm in California by the way. I asked the loan officer and she said something about me having 10 days to get it, but I've been reading otherwise. Thanks!""

Is Geico a good insurance company?

Is Geico a good insurance company?

When looking for car insurance..do I need a car to find car insurance?

I am planning on buying a cheap used car. I dont have it yet so I dont know the make and model yet. Also..is it better to say I got my license at 16? or at 22? Why do they ask all this? What is a good price for car insurance for a 22 yr old full time college student with a 2.98 gpa, im also a part time worker. i only make around 400 bucks a month. Can even afford it?""

My employer only pays for some of my health insurance. Am I allowed to deduct the remaining that I pay on my taxes?

My employer only pays for some of my health insurance. Am I allowed to deduct the remaining that I pay on my taxes?

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/couple-questions-cars-insurance-brandon-carter/"

[puresponk-blog]

From Start To Beginning. How And When. What & Why... My Story So Far.

I’ve always thought from when I was young I wasn’t the same as anyone else, I’ve shown people who I am even if sometimes I haven’t the clue who that is, but after everything, I think I’m starting to realise you only know how to live life the day you go six feet under.

From The Start To Beginning

I remember an ungodly amount from being as young as 5/6 and onwards, Im born and raised in England in a small town called Barnstaple, nothing major, I remember our first house, living with my mum and dad, in a very tiny two bedroom semi-detached house. After so long being there I remember Sam being born, from literally two days after he popped out he’s been there ever since. I was to understand why I think why I do, how I am and why? Just a little more so, finding yourself is the worst thing you can do. We are working class and very had much... iv never been on holiday, and I guess it's okay, can't be sad about something you never had I guess.

I remember things, days, moments from living there even if I don’t think of it, I remember walking to school, living next to a girls house who’d walk with me, one of my friends would live two minutes up the drive, another who I only saw at school but have known since we were babies, not so much know just our mums were friends, still are but never meet.

I like remembering how I used to think Father Christmas was real, the little things like the tooth fairy, even the odd few pounds would give me the power to feel what it’s like to decide what I want, even if it’s a sweet, toy car, it’s special.

We lived there for a good few years before moving about 20 minutes more so next to town, I kinda figure this’s when I remember a lot about life thinking about it now.

Everything seemed to get a little more and more unfair as I started to realise that some of these kids would have these new toys, but it didn't matter to the sense that it would bother be that much... young and naive as they say. Mom XY Dad So you kinda got a feel for what it was like living in the old house because it doesn’t matter as much when you’re young and don't remember. My mum is sweet and in some sense innocent, but she absorbs life instead of steals it, take things how it is just she hasn’t had a holiday, never been out of the country, hasn’t had many boyfriends at all, very content in how you just live and take things how they come. She’s into some mellow stuff and loves music, a huge music fan and was influenced loads from her mother as I in a way.

My dad is a little different, he’s into his old time rock a’ billy sound, more vintage metal if anything, his dad wasn’t the greatest influence though… he left him with his mother and didn’t do the most knowledgeable things, I remember him telling me a story of how his dad used to take him when he was a baby and go to hospital car parks and try of kinda not lure but use him as a little introduction to the lady business… and then left around the same year as when it kinda got a bit much I imagine, but is 100% take things when you do and don’t really help yourself if you can’t be fucked… very down to earth and will take anything if he thinks he can handle it, not a serious man at all, also an alcoholic and has a problem.

How & When

When we moved into the new house I still went to the same school, as my brother started at this point, kinda when you’re growing up and hit that age when you don’t wanna be treated like a kid anymore, music wise I wasn’t very varied, but wasn’t into that side as of yet just getting a taste almost, dipping your toe into the pool. This is when it stated getting pretty understandable, it wasn't okay anyway, wrong even but didn’t really know why in some ideas.

My mum caught on from when we weren’t born yet that my dad just wasn’t going to do anything with himself, he’s drinking got worse and worse not going out, treating many of us to the little things, just a drive would be like a two day holiday out of town with the experience just to go out almost… she didn’t love him anymore and used us as a starting point or excuse if you will to stop drinking go out more and live life but never got more than another town.

Around this time it got harder to understand many things, I was getting bullied from other kids for things like how I looked, pale ginger kid who wasn’t that amazing at a lot, as it was more everything at once around then, every day was just getting more tackling, going home to arguing constantly and awful silence to total screech and slaughter house environment… to wake up and get picked on it was just hard.

By now it’s getting to the end of primary school, there’s another baby on the way, I remember seeing dad trying for a few times taking us out but just to the beach the odd time, nothing major but probably proved more I his mind than actually proving something, he must have pulled off another stunt like oh let’s have another kid I’ll fix everything but probably didn’t last long, I remember him having cans next to his bed, waking up and just drinking from morning to day, everything you’d have in a normal home from what I could see was not in our favour, yet I guess you got to take it how it is…

… Anyone who knows what it was like as a kid must know how day to day you don’t feel the same when you’re older, the days are much slower and have more meaning, almost every day was a lesson, so you really pick up everything around you, and when there’s nothing but grief, stress, hatred it feels a lot more than it should do, kinda what makes me think everything stays with you when you’re younger…

I was in school and this is secondary, so the teenaged years are here… It was coming up to my birthday before I even started… not saying from now until I was born I never got anything or didn’t experience a lot, I joined a tennis club which only two people out of the entire school went… and wasn’t half bad at it at all, and cricket we ended up doing school leave play as well as football.

I was the defender in the school team and didn’t loose to any school for four years running, something silly like 9-2 every other year, so I wasn’t not doing anything, more so to just leave home so I don’t have to get shit from each ear about alcoholism or how she never touches him and how she has to sleep in the kids bedroom (Sam & Kane, Kane being the youngest now) cuz she can’t stand him all that shit… but he wasn’t leaving because his one stubborn man when he goes the ideas of pure bullshit in his head… mum would say he fools for his own bullshit…

I asked for an electric guitar for my birthday, which means money, something we don’t have much of, but I kicked and screamed and did this for days, I was in my first year of secondary school coming to 13/14.

They got my one tho, and couldn’t have been more grateful, by this time my music range was the complete opposite direction as anyone who I knew, mainstream wasn’t in my vocabulary… listening to hard rock, heavy metal, screamo, all the old stuff everything under what music stand for when everyone who I knew had the new 50 cent ringtone and got phones and hand this, that, and everything I’ve never thought of even having… so when I saw these guys making these songs which made me feel something totally different than I’ve ever felt I wanted to do that.

But still he didn’t leave, not the normal thing to do so the arguments went on for years… if you can think of crying and how shit is was STILL getting bullied not ever having many friends at all…

I think why I think like I do is because of my parents, kinda like that for everyone... I think if someone doesn't fit in it's because they're weird not because they're an individual? Could be very dependent, but from my experience... once you know you don't fit it, you never really will...

Come to day to day life it was get up, listen to screaming, go school, feel shit as fuck, go home, and feel even more shit so say to day life wasn’t pleasant but the appreciation for things like a roof or food just seemed mandatory so why’d I ever feel special?

By now it come to choosing GCSEs, I got really into art by this time and more so towards drumming, before I even chose my gcses I saw an electric kit in school so when I realised that I could go to this music room and not have to deal with anything but me in a room with music I could play cuz I couldn’t at home made a difference… and I ended up being pretty good when it comes to the drums as my alcoholic father says I got a real talent… as all drunks talk pure shit…

So now I begged and begged for a drum kit… and my dad some how got one because my mum didn’t work but dad worked in a factory…

I remember watching this video of trivium and it was the lead guitarist… and I was real into my music by now, and creative side to everything, in primary I loved English writing about wonders and things instead everyone else loved maths and I hated it, if never know what they were talking about and ever felt good when it happened…

But I saw him head banging with this sharp black Flying V just looking how I felt, and he had hair down to his shoulders or longer even, and thinking I want to look like that… I want the feeling of your hair going everywhere not seeing your face just the look, so when I bring it up sometimes as a joke but being deadly serious on the inside dad was very against it. He was very metal nothing poncey dying your hair like… but mum being very flower power opinionated for me to go for I touched me to do it and do things if you want to and think don’t worry what they thing…

So this pale ginger kid with a broken family who had fuck all to do other than play music and relate to heavy music has now dyed his hair from orange, or brown with a highlight of orange just orange in the sun to black mid length and very unpopular so I didn’t really help myself…

At all…

Coming towards the end of the year I had a little group of friends that looked like me, very emo very scene, very outcast very used to taking shit for literally anyone and everyone… so it was kinda a sanctuary, then the people who I thought were my friends for so much of a year decided to do something which kinda made things worse…

I went to the park where we kinda hung out when I only ever got a pity invitation from one of the guys or sometimes girls, like they’d be like why’d you bring him but always behind my back, I met them and we hung out in this girls house and wanted to check my Facebook and when it come to me leaving I forgot to sign out, so they went on all like five six of them threatened a bunch of different 18 year olds and dealers they’d pick up from and kids from our school… all thinking it’s be because they want to believe it, they didn’t know me so would’ve assumed the worse but shit it was so obvious… so it figuratively no one liked me again.

After that day for a solid few weeks it just didn’t feel safe to go anywhere, do anything I had to stay in this horrid house, I kinda turned to music a lot because I cut my hair down sort so it was natural, I left anyone who ever hurt me and moved towards the same friends as I did in school, the one who lived up the drive, and my other who was kinda raised with, kinda hung out with their friends and then on to be some of the best people and funniest people I’ve ever met.

They were also outcasts just not visually anything, stereotypically they were the nerds, living online with a controller in their hand doing nothing all day.

I kinda always picture the worst happening because that's always what's happened, now a days it's more you choose what happens and not being afraid to tell people what I think, it help a lot when in the middle of the first year I did kickboxing... and was the best in the class, I took it seriously which lead me to ranking up belts twice or even three times more than anyone else, I soon become a brown belt, one off a black but the teacher was flaky and we stopped going, me and my dad that is... I met my first actual girlfriend there, it was the teachers step daughter, we would learn up stairs and we the adults we upstairs we hung out downstairs... she was also not one to fit in everywhere but she had a few friends. After I cut my hair and looked sort of normal I noticed a real change of how people act around you especially kids by how you look, in my mind you can be this or that, but now, it really doesn't matter what you wanna be people are gunna say whatever and it won't bother you in a month? You won't remember in a few weeks so why let it get to you now? You'd be labelled for what you are and that really sticks with people so you might as well be true. My new friends... I liked them because at least I had people to see and talk to and be okay with saying hi when they walked down the hall, but still was not liked by many at all…

When I finished school everyone says your school days are the best you’ll ever have and I I thought If that were true I think I might have to blow my brains out… but it wasn’t easy and after everything that was happening at home and in school something weird happened in my life…

Essentially my dad hit my mum well… he did, it was getting really horrid between them and like I said they did this for years living in the same house but not together like… my mum tried to move out it just couldn’t happen, she couldn’t find work and no council flat or house was ready in a few months time… more like years… but because so when this riot of a show which I’ll spare you the details of (don’t worry it was nothing major at all just it was fucked up) she called the police and obviously I stopped him as soon as he touched her ya know it was just instinct but he got taken away, and the next morning smashing a window trying to get is after mum throwing his shit out. But he left… and stayed with his mother as he is doing right now… 50… btw…

And I was skating at the time, doing not half bad at all and was getting pretty used to playing a lot on guitar and drums, and is what I still do today because I’m pretty good at it, not so much art unfortunately, but I left secondary and all the friends I made we never seen again, it was time to choose what to do with your life…

I didn’t really have a clue with not enjoying a subject other than music art and a little graphic design but nothing major…

Mum and dad being working class they wanted me to be an electrician, they wouldn’t go a conversation without thinking of the money, and I never got what you’d call affection from either when I really think about it but wasn’t interested in the outside so I guess I never had the opportunity… kinda why I down play anything I’m good at because of my own mum and dad can’t find anything to encourage out of me hearing them say how good I could be if I follow their advice and become an electrician with no interest in it al all I pursued it…

All these built up feelings, anger was one... feeling like why would who people have a kid if they couldn't get them everything they wanted... why don't you go on holiday if you could? The worst thing is wasted time which could possibly spend making memories? Depression was also one... and I kinda felt it suited a lot to do with at home... you can't go through all this shit and expect not to wanna express it, even if it meant crying because you didn't know what you did for so many people to hate you? I never thought self harm as a realise until you think of actually having something to complain about, feeling a cut on the outside is sometimes better than feeling shit on the inside.

Now I haven’t mentioned any love life or anything like that until now, because I did loose my virginity but it wasn’t what you would call boyfriend girlfriend… more we would meet and then go with it… but I met this girl, and I couldn’t think of a better time for someone to somehow enter at the most right time?

No arguments, no bullying, I was normal looking and had made a few new friends, and now meet one of the most important people I’ve met since.

I mean I don’t wanna go on cuz like we aren’t together anymore but in a sense it was pure poetry everyday, everyday felt bliss, the fire they say that lights in your belly was roaring, feeling nothing but shit to sunshine for the first time it was one of the best feeling s I’ve ever feel and still searching for it again, I just hope I don’t get to relate to those quotes you see about never finding love again…

This girl, seen the country’s of Germany, Spain, two or three others I think, and yet she want to the same secondary and got spoken about the same way people did about me yet never spoke to her before ever, just the odd few times and one day, as Im walking home from collage who do I see walking under this underpass and smiles… the very same girl?! And she smiles at me?? Not like one of those side ounces like no effort like ya know she’s making pretty darn obvious and I literally thought na it’s cool I’ll look at her she’ll look at me and we will look away like everyone who’s ever looked at me…

And I don’t even smile back so I messaged her saying sorry I didn’t smile back?? Like wtf… how lame… but come a few days later I see her sitting on the opposite table as my friends and later messaged about getting a drink… the rest is pretty much history, perfect if you will… just I don’t think I’ve met anyone who was as serious as me when it come to something so special? Never mind the fact I already did another year of collage to get my level 2 diploma in electrical which I was starting to kinda get the hang of, still not interested but I did it, and yet we ended up living together, sharing everything, thoughts food, bed, house, life, and that’s what makes me think, how can someone know someone that well inside and out, how do you find that agin I don’t know? How I did in the first place I’m not sure at all…

But now it’s starting to get a little more clearer… I read somewhere that once you realise things will never be the same that’s when you can truly move on, another was when you find love it takes twice or sometimes three times as long to get over and honestly you’ll never get over it and yet that’s poetry… it’s not how who choose, it’s the ones who you want to see for the rest of your life because sometimes memories last a life time…

And who can me anymore satisfied with how you can go from the the worst days of your life to a few years later find this soul that’s exactly the same in so many ways yet the differences are what made it fun… I was having fun and I was in love… I think once you know what something’s value is, it’s not to imagine it to be a sad loss once it does go,enjoy what is happening right now… not what was yesterday? I want to think about tomorrow.

What & Why

So I think you’ll never understand what will happen if something will happen tomorrow who you’ll meet or what you’ll be, I’m in a band and we got a festival to play in June, to 350 people and I’ve played to a crowed of 15… and other to about 40? And I’ve been giving for about 3 months, I lost my job cuz I was always late and the people were absolutely awful… and now I got an interview with some of the sweetest women and team ever? You just never know what will happen? Iv applied to a music course to do for a year and after I’m moving to Plymouth to continue a degree in music? And you know what’s stayed through the worst and the best?

Music, my skateboard, my drum kit, my mum, and even the one who can leave something behind which can never be replaced? Memories… I can’t say I’ll ever understand life and I don’t think going about it seriously was what I should’ve done and it goes for anybody? You’ll never know what will happen? So just flow with it?

My Story So Far.

So what am I doing today? What’s made it easier? Who’s there now? Do you feel any wiser? Mistakes are probably the opposite to regret for the most part…

Just because I wouldn’t be here today if I had courage to do something sooner? I might be a hell of a lot wiser and probably a lot more understanding and normal… but what’s made it all worth the story? The journey instead of the destination… and that’s why I think you’ll only ever be completely understood of life is when you get laid six feel under? You just won’t know what you’re doing ever? If you told me six years ago I was going to be make a studio and be with a bad that’s planing a week tour I would’ve been laughing…

Hopefully I can think about what I was doing today in a few years thinking of the most ridiculous ideas and be living it… and I can’t wait…

The Story So Far? Can’t say I know yet… still enjoying the journey, not thinking about the destination, I think what makes it serious, when you care too much about what’s happing next instead of now? If you never do the things you’ve always wanted to, do they happen?

You’ll never know, will i ever know what love feels like again? Does it ever feel like you’ll know what you’re doing with your life? Does it make sense that what’s happening right now is for a reason? Do you ever want to hug the people you never think about touching again? Do selfish people ever say sorry for being selfish? Variety is the spice of life? No one wants to be stuck with someone until their teeth go? That’s boring? Sex is the most fun without laughing? You’ll never know where you are until you realise you are no where…

P.s. I hope you knock on my door, I want to leave Devon without knowing the people who meant less to me think more of me? I want to know that whenever either of us look back, it’s not shit but laughing…

From Start To Beginning. How And When. What & Why… My Story So Far.

@invisible-fate98