#i have a library meeting in the evening
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I dared to lean on my arm while watching TV last night and now I'm all sore and lethargic this morning!!!! I've iced it and taken tylenol and I'm thinking the next step is gonna be to go to the massage place at the mall after this. Maybe 30 minutes of them working on the area will give me some relief. Massage has helped before but my fingers aren't strong enough to rlly make any progress. Like at all. I just end up with sore fingers on top of a sore neck.
#wish me luck!!!!#i have a library meeting in the evening#and the thought of being present for that while im so sore is uh#prospects are not good lets say that#wink wonk cackle
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everything is going wrong today lol
#managed to sleep thru my alarm? which i never do? and had to rush which i hate doing#and then ive come to the library bc i have a deadline on wednesday which i havent even properly started but forgot they open later on friday#im meeting my friend in like half an hour which means i won't get anything done today which is fine bc i wanna spend time w my friend but#just a bit stressed lol#idk its been a tiring week/s#diary#tiyas thoughts
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The love of the Wanderer is to wanderers.
#em draws stuff#travel light#this image has been about a year in the making (I wanted to draw it when I first read it but I only got to it now)#my thoughts on travel light are. well they are this image primarily.#been a while and a while since I drew in this style and it feels GOOD to be doing it again!!#wish I'd figured out a way to fit steinvor into the composition but it was a hard squish even to include tarkan der (and he's very tiny)#the way I've done the mountains are purposefully referencing one of the earlier covers of the hobbit as I love jirt's painting style#and it seemed apt for various things about the way travel light exists and the kinds of things it has to say#it is right on the edge of where legend meets life when it comes to depicting early medieval europe and it's. well. read it actually.#book that makes you want to listen to 'to holmgard and beyond' by turisas except exactly backwards#(in the varangian way they are going the other direction and also they are much more (to put it as halla would) dragonish about it)#song I first heard in the context of an absolutely wild 8tracks playlist in 2015 which changed my music taste forever. anyway.#really I must read more naomi mitchison except that no library in the entire state of california appears to have a copy of the big house :/#anyway anyway. if I ever get my own copy of this book I Will be rebinding it to have this for a cover I like it so very much
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i feel so lonely and alone i feel like im dying
#but i'll meet my friend tmrw#at 1pm!!!#i feel awkward esp when im not close w someone (we're more acquintances i'd say)#but it's gonna be nice to just walk w her. talk abt stuff (mainly wherever she leads the conversation) plus sit at the library#i've been in a reading slump but i'll bring .. hmm maybe snowglobe or what you are looking for is in the library!!!#and i'll read while she studies probably#that will be nice!! ^-^#even if i always feel a bit hollow and sad bc it's not the closeness i need#it's still really good and lucky that i even have her to meet up w sometimes#she's a really kind and genuine person too i wanna be allowed to be friends with her as much as i can
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rolands bad ending is perfect to me i am not kidding when i say its exactly what i would want from anything ever it checks all of my boxes. but the idea of him distorting after killing angela... whether its because he realises killing her didnt help at all or because a part of him is unsure if it was worth it. the realisation of becoming the very thing that killed his wife, killing countless of other people in his own distortion and being apathetic to it... like do you see it do you get where im going
#library of ruina spoilers#library of ruina#roland lor#projmoon#idk what his most popular character tag is. i need 2 find out#i love roland he is my favourite character of all time ANYWAY *puts him in a blender*#i am aware why roland doesnt distort outside the library (other than the obvious) from how i understand it he doesnt have a reason to#distortions seem to be out of a selfish desire and after his goal is finished that man aspires for absolutely nothing#but the irony of it the pain the misery... sip sip sip OUGH. i dont think he'd even enjoy being a distortion either#would u believe me if i said this post was originally gonna talk about a post-pianist but pre-library roland 'meeting' carmen#i still think tht would go crazy btw like angela technically caused the pianist but theres no denying carmen directly created it#and he cant attack her at all bc shes only a voice. and what if he gave into that voice and distorted huh...? anyway#text#roland
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I have to go back to school Monday.
I’ll miss you, Tumblr.
But our beautiful summer days of chilling together musing about fantasy lands and gay beauties are almost over… we will have to go back to our clandestine meetings in the evening… after I crawl home from the front lines… weary and in desperate need of your fleeting company.
#I don’t use my phone at school#I know some people can easily balance two worlds but I am not one of them#there is my introvert world and my extrovert world and the two have never mixed#though I swear the first person I meet within my generation who enjoys even a small fraction of the same things I do… watch out#sigh why must I earn money?#let’s see if the teens are back to reading again this year…#surely we should be cycling back to it soon#my poor library is currently just a haven for escapism which I approve of#but it would be so nice to have some book love to the shelves again#mumbling#back to school
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🚰
#life is just. so incredibly sad and confusing and empty these days#however#i have felt as held as i could possibly feel#i have a mother who answers my three daily phone calls#and i have the baristas at my usual spot who make my usual coffee and don't ask why it's just been me recently even though they notice#i have friends who've let me stay in their home when my home wasn't bearable#friends who bundle me up and rub my back and watch me cry for the first time since meeting me#friends who bring me my favorite flowers without even knowing they're my favorite#and help me take my shots because i'm not done needing help#and friends who've let me go completely radio silent because this situation is more complicated than anything has ever been#and just explaining even the facts is too overwhelming#and i have a stupid cat who sleeps under the covers with me every night#and i have plants to keep alive#and i have the library to sit in when i need quiet but not silence#and i have my enormous gigantic heart that loves so hard it knocks the wind out of me#and i have whoever's going to love me next waiting around to meet me when it's time#and i have this healthy body and this almost-healed chest and two lungs and two hands#i have even more than all of that too#anyway
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The amount of emotional abuse I’ve been through at this point is insane no wonder my body felt like it was literally dying all the time up until like 2 months ago loll
#and I still felt bad for yelling at these abusive people at the end like I was the bad person#or like standing up for myself was wrong because god forbid I trigger their abandonment wounds or trauma#when they were using my trauma to manipulate me the entire time!!#and why did it change 2 months ago you ask?#well the sun came back for one loll but also I finally understood how to listen to my nervous system and my body#and I started building community here in my little hometown!#I went to a library event a couple weeks ago and I was able to say hi to so many people because I’d been attending library events#and meeting cool people!#losing all my friends made me feel really alone#and it’s been nice to remember I’ve never been alone in the world! I still have friends here in my hometown and friends from college who are#genuinely kind and who I feel safe around and I’m still capable of making new friends even after everything that’s happened#personal
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bitching abt my job again
tags contain frank mentions of transphobia and homophobia
#this happened like. i dont know. a month ago or something but i still keep playing it in my mind#for those unawares: theres been a fucking community outrage over the pride display at the library i work at#and have been working/volunteering at for 5 years#only it never went up. it never went up. bc the mayor came in as a quote unquote private citizen and demanded it taken down#despite the fact that patrons are required to fill out complaint sheets and even then it isnt ensured a display will be taken down#so obviously its a misuse of power that hes spinning into him being a concerned citizen#and i made a whole post bitching abt it and im doing so again (hi) bc i didnt like how our director responded to it#and yeah. so there was a board meeting after that right. well i set up for them as i usually do and let me tell you. that was the first#--time more than like 6 people came to spectate. it was insane.#and i guarantee that this months meeting wont have half as many people that fucking crammed themselves in there to complain abt gay ppl#bc of course they dont give a shit about the library#they just care about how scary the queers are#and yeah it was a shit show. i learned we have a far right organization in our town#and i was sat right in front of her husband the whole time#(standing actually. i was standing between him and my moms chair and he was sighing and grumbling the whole time bc he couldnt muster the#--balls to ask the 5 foot 2 fag in front of him to please move lol. small victories right)#when i say her i mean the leader of the freaks. idk. chairman? anyway she had a whole speech about how like queers are bad and cutting#the penises off little babies or whatever and she pulled up this passage from a book that was part of the display#its some book by the youtuber rowan ellis-- here and queer i think was the title. it was cataloged in our ya section and contained passages#talking about like having safe sex and what dildoes are and all that kind of shit. just really clinical descriptions imo. im not familiar w#--the youtuber really but im assuming they wrote it as informational bc shocker: teens be having sex. unsafe sex. especially queer teens#sourse: i was one of tgose#and...think for a moment. remember when you were a teen. youd rather fucking DIE than listen to your parents give you the sex talk#and chances are if youre gay your parents arent even going to know WHAT gay sex is (hugging without shirts on) so youre going to look#--elsewhere#bc if youre a hormonal fucking teen youre going to figure it out one way or another! especially if youre from (cough) a podunk shitwater#--town like mine that ran on abstinence by way of sex education#i think teens deserve to have access to that sort of information through trusted means. and i do mean het teens too#but no these fucking morons put on airs like everyones waiting till marriage--no! not my becky sue! as if they werent fucking around in#--holy shit i reached taglimit. i didnt ecen know there was one. hold on
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right. so
#the king's explanation for wanting to preserve vaugarde in time mentioning coming with no name + the ending lines ''not when i still can't#say it''. i'm guessing he and siffrin are both from the island that got wiped? and the king retains/has recalled just enough to be fucked u#in a very specific way about it + wanting the most surefire way possible to ensure vaugarde can't meet the same fate#siffrin's muttering while crafting maybe has to do with Craft as well? i'll have to get the carving tools to check but maybe ''time craft''#was more of a thing there...? and something about the favor tree. i'm not giving up on that there's a shiny book we can't read in the secre#library in the shelf between ''we lost colors'' and ''how to make a time stop shield''.#fun things to chew on this loop.#also i felt so stupid because i was running through and i. Forgot to level grind. so i went in there without an aoe heal#besides siffrin's regen. it was fine obviously but man.#head housemaiden time :)#''finally you'll all be able to go home!'' funnier the second time around. even if i'm not right about the island#everyone saying goodbye to sif like they're so sure they're itching to travel alone again ;; guys they love you#c'mon beau you can do it#HELP ME. MIRABELLE. GIVE US LIKE 10 SECONDS HE WAS SO CLOSE#also i thought this last time as well but didn't we explicitly have dialogue about him not wanting to go back to his old job#i'm sure it'll be addressed in his sidequests. maybe#ein babbles#isat blogging#''why do you write your entire post in the tags'' builtin read more
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anyone else get put on the pill basically immediately after they got their period, then were off it while chronically depressed and cycling through antidepressants, then had a hormonal IUD for 8 years?
My IUD finally wore off a while ago and it's been so weird since.. I feel like I'm losing my mind. Like some weird emotional stuff but also sexually...
Like. Is this just being a woman and hitting my sexual stride approaching my 30s? Or did I inadvertently like dampen or block off access to my sexuality for 14 years...
#i need to read your brain on birth control -_- need some mf answers#for context im celibate but shit has been fucked recently... i feel like an entirely different person except im not susposed to be this one#also ive been such a proponent of the hormonal IUD but i think i might have been wrong about it... much to think and learn about#i feel embarrassed even saying this but ive been fantasizing about men. who i know. like. wtf. like am i just honrier#and coincidentally am friends with men for the first time in my life#or like. am i not a lesbian????????????????? i feel like hp in the order of the phoenix 😭 what is happening to me#lol honrier **hornier#anyway sorry for any other lesbians who read this... anytime i read about a lesbian being like actually im bi i die a lil. not that im bi#but like. obviously going through a crisis this last while#anyway im fine im planning on getting my ass on some dates and meeting some women and have your brain on bc reserved at the library
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Hate the number of people I know who just want to leave the US because of xyz political issues that don't exist in the imaginary other country they hope to move to. Not One of these people ever puts in the leg work to make the world around them better (at least one isn't even registered to vote) and it is literally the height of privilege to think you can just go live somewhere else where someone else has made everything work without doing anything to participate in your community first.
#you Have to watch your local politics you Have to go to local events you Have to talk to people about political issues in your state#so many of these issues can be discussed without putting yourself in any danger because they're literally just about funding and buses!#and if you unite a community behind something like a public park#them every person in that community gets to know one another#local politics creates voting blocks that pay dividends!#you want to save the environment? so does everyone else!!!!!#you want more public places? so does everyone else!!!#“they keep removing third spaces 😡😡😡”#then maybe try to create some??#testify in support of parks#join your neighborhood group#attend events at the library#you have to go out and do things and meet people and you can't just complain all the time about everything wrong while planning to just leav#i hate idealists even though I Am one because they never move past the idea#when it's so so easy you can just small talk with people about how you think it would be good to change police standards#or (something I do a lot) strike up a conversation about how the death penalty is in direct opposition to Christian ideals and values#identify shared issues with people and use that as a jumping point not everything has to be an intense debate you can just learn to listen#because believe it or not people are 1000% more likely to listen to you when you listen to them#these things cut both ways
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Thinking about my dream video game that only exists in my mind sanctuary.........
#the sky speaks#i go thru phases of writing down game mechanics like i cpuld actually make it lol#it wpuld be a shop management sim with similarities to style savvy. but it wpuld be a plant and floral shop. also would have slight like#town/community building aspects in yhe story as u meet other shop owners n stuff and have cross promotional events with like#the library or a bakery n stuff. it would be a love story to shopping local ❤️❤️❤️#maybe even an Evil mode like stardew where u can be a sellout and everyone hates u :)
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apparently i'm already halfway done my musicology degree??
#i wanna talk about me#between the course i did in undergrad and the frankly ridiculous number of courses i'm taking this semester#apparently i'm over halfway done already#i know the musicology portion is a smaller load than the library science portion but like#man it was weird walking into my advisor's office and him looking me in the eye and saying like 'oh you're almost done'#three courses is all i have left for a master's. Man#well i'm gonna spread those out over the next year and a half...and probably pick up an extra elective here or there while i can#cause idk man i like studying music history...even if i don't Have to i like taking the classes and learning#(esp if it's gonna be paid for by my fellowship as long as i'm still here)#well i need to figure out. how the hell to get in touch with a library science advisor now.#i emailed yesterday and haven't heard back#but i don't know what i'm doing for that degree going forward rn#other than. i guess taking 552. but i KNOW there's other specialty and elective courses i'll need to take too#and i want to take stock of what shit i'll have to take in summers too cause i know some of the courses are only offered in summer#(need to find out if any of my fellowship scholarship can go towards summer courses. i'm guessing not...)#weird. it's weird. i don't know what i'm doing here#anyway#meeting with my advisor went okay i at least know what i'm doing now re: the music stuff#didn't cry which is good but man i hate how my voice started to break more and more the longer i was in there#and when i talked about how i put too much on my plate this semester and am struggling to keep up with all the work#and he asked me if i've been reaching out to anyone for support. or if i had people to reach out to#and i just had to sit there like. uh#define. support?#i have a couple friends at least that i chat with about stuff like that sometimes but not always cause i don't want to bother them too much#but like. it's not like i can ask someone else to write a research paper For me#or it's not like i can control when my coworkers get sick and i have to cover their time in the office#and this didn't come up at all (and i'm glad for it) but jeez it's not like i can control global political conflicts!!#it's hard for me to focus on getting enough work done in small chunks of time in the best of times#let alone when my fucking hamster brain is on high alert for getting hate crimed in public if my necklace is too visible or something#idk. it's a lot man. i bit off more than i could chew this semester even before the world fell apart
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not to be a colossal fucking cowabummer about everything but it really does suck that like. my really chill and like. supposedly more realistic type of career goal feels about as unattainable as like a kid saying he wants to be a singer or something
#kazoo noises#like yeah this was supposed to be a job i COULD get. i thought bc like. i was going into the field bc i loved the work and not bc i couldnt#make it into academia (fuck u alt-ac term users yall are snobs) id like maybe be able to cobble it together bc like. im good at doing work.#i can usually make something happen and i got a good attitude. but jesus ive got one year left and every job app comes back negative if the#even bother to respond#like idk man. i knew iwasnt gonna be making money or shit and i knew it was gonna be rough but like. everyone else i meet already has a gig#or at least like gig adjacent. volunteer or field experience or internship and like. i cant get anything to stick. its not like ive done#nothing either? ive worked extensively with small scale exhibition design. i have worked extensively with special collections libraries.#i have literal years worth of research experience from college. i have an entirely customer service based resume thats not academic so i#can handle a patron (and crucially different from my peers: I WANT TO)#i can organize. i can write and design labels. i can communicate. i can handle special collections objects. i can make ANY microfilm reader#work for me even when it doesnt want to#and im not saying my classmates arent qualified. but like. surely this has to amount to something. i have been so stupidly lucky#to have even half the experiences i do. i have variety in my degree that even some of my classmates would kill for i think. i did. so much.#i have had so many advantages and i like to think i use them well and that i am grateful for them. but why cant i make that shit connect???#my resume is good. im reliable. i want to work more than anything. so why cant i get a call back???#legitimately how much longer do i get to keep telling myself i a not the common denominator here#sorry for diary posting but im prepping to walk to the house tour and planning what job apps i can fill out when i get back and literally.#just like. why do i bother. i should have just held my nose and done the online only program in state. i'd probably spend less time rotting#god being 23 fucking sucks. it is going to be better. im literally just barely an adult. this cant be it and it wont be it. but jesus. i go#over having to beg for a rejection letter about ten months ago when i still felt like i had a shot at these experiences
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🍪🥛
#out of sight out of mind....#im not gonna check his blogs every day from here on out#and i hid/archived our chat so i dont have to see it when i open the messaging app#i do have some kind of 'fomo' lol bc i dont wanna miss out on any potential glimpse into his mind or days#esp now when he doesnt tell me anything anymore. idk anything abt what goes on with him#but .. i am allowing and letting him control my life#i obsessively check my phone and refresh his blogs ALL day#it's extremely unhealthy and pathetic and i know this#it's just hard to stop bc i genuinely... love him sm#plus he told me he wanted me for real so he made me not only dream of a life i thought wasnt possible for me#but also WANT it. i only want him and to live with him and be his. that's all i want but he just cut me off out of nowhere lol#and im still hung up on it... i dont want my boring reality. current nor future. i just want the reality where im with him which he made me#think was smth i could have one day soon.#but anyway. if his feelings changed that's how it is. it's not even his fault it's just how things work in life#even if i dont want to accept it i have to. i cant keep living in this limbo. i try to talk to him but he's a wall so that's a No.#so i cant let him control my life and waste away all my days on him#i need to stop checking his blogs and our chat. that's the first step#im still gonna allow myself to think of him and daydream and fantasize. but that will have to stop soon too#then i have to focus on doing my assignments and read books and go to the gym#things that will help me get realistically where i want in my current reality#i want to finish highschool and then apply for a preschool or library program#and hopefully the plan is to get a student housing apartment so i can move out finally and live on my own and study#then when i finish i'll look for a job as either of those things. and a place to live (which is super fkn hard in these modern chaos times)#even if i have to live my life all alone... i want to be as comfortable as i can at least#i can live in my own row house and have pets and work and read and play games and watch shows#and see and talk to my mom#i mean hopefullyyyy i'll be able to try to make at least some shallow connections so i have ppl to hang out with#i can always hope to meet someone who'll fall in love with me but im not counting on it#ugh.. bc as it is now#i dont do ANYTHING but be on my phone
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