#i have a lot of bottled up feelings

[elirluna]

anger is an emotion that takes up a lot of space in this house and it does make me feel disgusting that a lot of it comes from me right now but i don't really think certain people have any right to be mad at me for it considering... that's how they raised me

[waitineedaname]

the kageyama brothers are so funny to me tbh. I love that ritsu is supposed to seem like the more normal one between the two of them, but you look just a little bit closer and you're like oh something is Wrong with him. one of them is the quiet awkward kid who accidentally demolished a middle school. the other one is an athletic honor roll student who's decently popular at school. the one that's most likely to try and kill you with his brain is not the one you'd expect

[oatbugs]

procrastination is starting to have its consequences finally

[lighthouseas]

alright friends i'm not gonna lie i wouldn't mind if the byler kiss had will leaning in first. or like. will kissing mike first on impulse during a heated moment. and then he regrets it immediately after because he thinks mike doesn't reciprocate (even though he obviously does) because mike just stands there for a second like 🧍🏻‍♂️ before swooping in to kiss will back

[anxiously-sidequesting]

My Personal Shadow Magic Headcanons - "Shadow Sickness"

I'm so autistic and lazy so here's another weirdly-worded headcanons post from me at 4 AM (lmk if I need to tag this as anything specific btw

What I'm personally calling "Shadow Sickness" is the official, prolonged version of Backlash - adverse effects that target the practitioner even outside of the duel circle and in their everyday lives. While "Backlash" refers to the immediate and spontaneous barrage of attacks that takes place after a Shadow spell, "Shadow Sickness" is the gradual deterioration of the practitioner's mind, body, and soul. True to the name, this effect likens more to an illness, a virus; something that's alive and slowly takes over until there is nothing healthy left behind. The symptoms are emotional, physical, mental, and even spiritual.

While regular Magic has life force within it, Shadow Magic is the only type of magic that can be considered "sentient". Not a thinking being with goals and plans, but something living and breathing with the most basic instincts. It's what's considered "Chaotic" and dangerous about it - the Wizard bends and controls regular Magic, but Shadow Magic can bend and control the Wizard. It is the only type of magic that can "fight back" in its own way.

This sentience is what allows for Shadow Sickness and Backlash to happen - these are purely just the results of it "fighting back". The Shadow Magic is reacting to the practitioner. It's acting by its nature by rearing its head back and snapping the hand that controls it. If the practitioner is NOT sound and secure in their mental, physical, and spiritual health, then Backlash and Shadow Sickness can cause even more adverse effects within the Wizard and as a result can suffer more severely.

Symptoms of Shadow Sickness

Symptoms of Shadow Sickness can vary between physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. The "virus" affects every single aspect of the being, down to their very life. The severity of these symptoms can also vary depending on certain variables. Unlike a true virus, Shadow Sickness has no "incubation period" and can flare up at any time during which the Wizard is practicing Shadow Magic. These symptoms include:

Physical scarring (physical, emotional, mental, spiritual) - one of the only symptoms that comprise of all four categories. Scars may appear on the Wizard's body that take various shapes and forms: most commonly taken after that individual's unsolved trauma. This includes old grudges, previous serious injuries that have not healed correctly, repressed memories, obsessions and delusions, etc. No two scars look the same (i.e. two different wizards who have a fear of spiders will have scars that look entirely different from the other). Depending on the severity these scars can cause physical discomfort (tingling, numbness, pain, leathery skin, decay/cellular deterioration) and can greatly impact how the Wizard looks to others to how the Wizard can move around.

Involuntary movements (physical, mental, spiritual) - the Wizard may begin suffering from accidental and spontaneous gestures and movement that is either randomized or triggered. This can include loss of coordination, disorientation, mini seizures, jerks and spasms, etc. Other than being physically affected, the Wizard is not suffering from any medical emergencies. The individual is fully conscious and aware when this happens and depending on the severity, can recover seconds after. This is one of the only symptoms where others could be harmed due to a wayward hand that comes flying out by accident. There is also a magical version of this, where involuntary spells or bursts of magic can be cast spontaneously (hence the 'spiritual' aspects of this symptom as mana comes from the soul). Usually these magical bursts are Shadow Magic and not the Wizard's primary or secondary Magic abilities. (Another involuntary trait recorded is the Wizard suddenly switching to an ancient "Shadow Language" in mid-speech.)

Hallucinations (physical, mental) - the Wizard may begin to experience things that cannot be detected by any other individual. Usually these hallucinations start out as smells or taste first, but there are reports of the Wizard hearing, sensing, and even seeing things to start out with. Contrary to popular belief not all hallucinations are violent or even turn out to be that way, some reports even describe them as pleasant. Hallucinations vary from each Wizard even with those who share the same traumas or fears. Depending on the severity of the symptoms, the Wizard can either be fully aware or completely immersed within them. Since these are only hallucinations they cannot harm the Wizard but can cause further deterioration to the mind.

Depleted energy/"Mana Loss" (physical, spiritual) - as the Shadow Sickness takes hold, eventually the Wizard will be slowly sapped of strength and magical energy. THIS IS DIFFERENT FROM IF THE WIZARD IS SKILLED IN SHADOW MAGIC. A Wizard can practice Shadow Magic and still NOT be affected by this. Since Shadow Magic "takes", Shadow Sickness does the same and gradually depletes the Wizard's energy. Like how Backlash takes health in a duel, Shadow Sickness takes your life. This is the only symptom that is constant in all cases of Shadow Sickness. Not only will the ability to cast spells be taken away, but overall physical health will suffer as well and the individual is more susceptible to regular diseases due to a compromised immune system. This symptom only appears in the very last stages of Shadow Sickness and is the last symptom of the individual experiences in their lifetime.

Tulpas (emotional, mental, spiritual) - contrasting hallucinations, Tulpas are the Wizard's visions made real. A Tulpa (from Shadow Sickness) is a physical and magical manifestation of the Wizard suffering from the Shadow "virus". Although it is born from the subconscious of another being, it is a separate entity all its own and has the ability to make decisions and have feelings and desires. However, these feelings and desires are not really of their own and reflect the Wizard's subconscious fears and threat responses. (i.e. our Azteca Tulpa in Khrysalis that formed due to unresolved survivor's guilt. Its "goal" was to destroy us and fully consume us within itself, similar to how guilt behaves in reality). Tulpas can either be created from visions, nightmares, intense and obsessive thoughts, or even previous hallucinations.

Can Shadow Sickness be reversed, or cured?

Shadow Sickness can be reversed, yes, or more commonly halted. Unless the Wizard is fully submersed in their mental and spiritual anguish ((Malistaire even though he wasn't using shadow magic; Morganthe even though that wasn't what killed her)) Shadow Sickness can be stopped. The road to recovery varies wildly from each person so there is no set "recovery time" in which you are expected to be fully healed. It is your own journey and it is ultimately your say whether or not you are better. Clinically, recovery can be sorted between these categories

HALTED: In which the Shadow Sickness is no longer infecting the individual but the symptoms may still persist. These symptoms do not get worse or better, but the Wizard's mind is clear and their soul is at peace. Wizards may either learn to live comfortably and adapt with their Halted condition or could continue to strive for partial or full recovery.

PARTIAL RECOVERY: In which the Shadow Sickness is reversed slightly or moderately. The effects are not all the way gone but are measured to be better than when the Wizard was still infected. In this state any severe symptoms the Wizard is experiencing are now moderate or slight, or less frequent. Just like in the Halted category, the Wizard is sound of mind, body, and soul.

FULL RECOVERY: In which Shadow Sickness is totally reversed and there are no more symptoms that persist. Full, 100% recovery is actually quite rare in the Spiral and a lot of scholars consider the Full Recovery to count as "70% or more reduced" - meaning the symptoms are very slight and few and far in between. Technically this is still a Partial Recovery but due to the above fact and how difficult it is to reverse Shadow Sickness, 'Full Recovery' is an umbrella term. Some individuals even claim Full Recovery even if their symptoms are moderate, because their mind and soul are no longer diseased.

ONE LAST FACT TO LEAVE OFF WITH: Not every Wizard who practices Shadow Magic suffers from Shadow Sickness, and alternatively even the most skilled Shadowmage can develop Shadow Sickness.

okay this took days. bye hope you liked this

[sskk-manifesto]

yeahh atsushi's internal monologue and plea always felt like a eye of the storm moment to me, absolute silence, except for the plea for "somebody anybody... please fight with me". it could have stood well enough on its own, just atsushi calling out in the darkness, the music was not needed

EXACTLY exactly!! It's a moment of complete solitude, and that can only translate with low and slow music / complete silence tbh.

(Following a line of thought I ended up rambling a bit about some things I haven't had the chance to bring up so far, it's quite negative on occasions so leaving it under the cut / feel freee to ignore)

I don't knowwwww like why are they compressing the episodes so badly to the point in three (3) episodes they never had time to roll the ending credits. I don't get it. In my very humble opinion: chapters 84-87 should have taken one episode and half (again. The sskk / Fitzgerald fight has the same length and that's the anime screentime it got). And it actually works perfectly, because chapter 87 *needs* to be a cliffhanger at the end of the episode, so they could have easily arrenged the episodes like: all the previous episodes events (chapters 78-83) should have taken two episodes and half, then the remaining half together with the entirety of episode four would have adapted chapters 84-87. As in season 4, the amount of events adapted isn't really the issue (they're almost adapting on panel by panel basis) as much as it is the restless pace that leaves you trying to catch your breath. By making the events adapted so far take 4 episodes they could have easily spaced everything better, include some things that were overlooked (I feel like leaving out Fukuchi's motives was a big loss... Like as an anime only, why is he even doing what he's doing? I know some people have speculated it's for political reasons and I understand the argument, but then again even if they wanted to include it, how could they possibly make it fit)- not to mention, well, maybe have enough time to show the ending and not make it overlap with scenes that have a completely different atmosphere.

I don't know why they're cutting things so short. The pace was a problem with season 4 too, but now in addition to that there was also a massive and evident quality drop to the animation which... Eh. Episode 3 had whole scenes of just static frames which are extremely awkward to see, and a thousand times more so in a supposedly action centered episode. From the very beginning: if one was bitter enough to bring together all the time they spent on the same Akutagawa / Dazai on opposite sides frame in the first flashback sequence they'd get 36 seconds, which is just unacceptable.

I don't get it. Wouldn't it make more sense to make as many episodes / seasons as possible as to have more dvds to sell AND to keep the fans engaged with the franchise for as long as possible? It's not like the manga updates super quickly so they were in a rush to catch up or something. But that can only lead me to one consideration: what was the reason of having two seasons come out in the same year? From my very limited perspective, applying a little common sense, here's a very simplified way to describe how I'd guess things should work: anime company releases a season. The anime season gets the fans invested, so anime company can sell them merch for a while- and that's why you can attest an abundance of merch release simultaneus and following the anime airing. After some time passes, the audience will start losing interest: that's when anime company releases a new season, and the cycle starts over. If anime company releases the seasons with such a small time frame between them, aren't them losing profit? This way anime company basically ends up losing all the potential profit of the first wave of interest that comes after the season that released first. And it's reasonable to guess that, given the unusual amount of it, bsd profits /a lot/ from selling merch, so I don't get it. (And that is neglecting, in a way that is reprehensible on its own, mentioning the negative ethical consequences that releasing one season right after the other has, especially in relation of overworking animators. I was hoping the execution of season 5 was assigned to a new animators team who worked on it in parallel to season 4 but, given the evident drop in quality and overall how unpolished the new season is, I'm afraid one can't afford the luxury to believe that anymore).

Tl;dr: Capitalism ruined the Atsushi “I’m all alone someone come rescue me” scene, which should have had either silence or a gloomy background music, but instead got the ending song because they just don't have space to fit things. I really can't seem to understand why they'd rush the anime release because it doesn't make sense to me from any point you see it. Also justice for chapters 84-87

[sea-buns]

I'm so deep in these missing Orym hours, man.

I wanna see him get mad for the group.

I wanna see him get mad for himself.

I wanna see him blow up and disappear like Fearne and Laudna have.

I wanna see more of the dad-behavior that comes out of Chetney wherever Orym is concerned.

I wanna see Fearne take in Orym's behavior and have no clue on how to help.

I wanna see him begin to lose faith in having Ashton at his back in battle.

I wanna see him call people out on the streaks of self-sacrificial BS. And I wanna see it get thrown right back at him.

I want to see him make people worry.

I want to see him get worse and I want it to show.

[red-eft]

i think love is like catching fireflies. you have to get out there and wander in the dark until find what you were looking for. you have to be gentle with it. if you try to keep it bottled up or force it to stay in your hands, it dies or flees in fear. but you can guide it and hold it close without hurting it. it might not always be there but it does always come back. and it glows

[vvelegrin]

i'm really enjoying pathologic 2, actually. i mean, i didn't think i wouldn't enjoy it as much as i was worried it would just, i don't know, muddy the water. and maybe it will, but i'm not really bothered by that anymore. that said, i do think patho 2 took a fairly unsubtle game and increased its unsubtlety by about tenfold.

well. calling og pathologic 'unsubtle' doesn't feel quite right, but i'm not sure what word would feel right. maybe it's 'distinct in its sensibilities'. I think og patho felt more obtuse, whereas patho 2 is like. here. take it. do you get it. here is the information. do you see the themes. i am announcing them to you in such a way that you know that i am saying something thematic. i'm not far enough into the main story of 2 to be able to say that there's less reading between the lines, but it feels very much so far like there's less reading between the lines. whereas the original had a somewhat different... i don't know, affect? it felt like a hostile workplace where everyone recited shakespeare about even the mundane. in patho 2 nothing feels mundane in the first place, everything feels loaded in a way that og patho was but didn't feel, if that makes sense.

but i think that's okay. at the very least, it feels very much like leaning into the 'theater' aspect of it, which is enjoyable. pathologic 2 feels to me more like... bonus content? not to be Stuck Up For Pathologic HD but i enjoyed the feeling of grinding my face against a cinderblock, having to tease out information and conclusions. it felt like a game that you had to figure out, but you actually weren't really doing any ground-level figuring out of much; you're not a doctor, your character is, so the puzzle of Solving the Plague belongs to The Story, whereas the question of What the FUCK is This Town's Deal is your job. it's a very linear game in most respects, but all three playthroughs come through as a thematic package deal.

i so far get the impression that pathologic 2 can be played on its own and be enjoyed in its own right! however it exists to me as like. director's commentary. i'm really liking the playing with different character relationships and alternate things, the expanding of steppe language and the kin, love my worm guys, but i like it because of how it enriches my eternal mind rotation of og pathologic. sorry guys i played the original pathologic and it broke me and remade me in its image. sorry.

[that-was-anticlimactic]

just accidentally spilled an entire water bottle on my bed :)

took my sheets off and put a towel over it. then looked up what to do just in case and. like everything said "use a fan" and "mold could happen so be careful" and now i am Terrified of getting mold since so much spilled and since i don't have any fans. i am so tired oh my god i just want to go to bed

[isfjmel-phleg]

[ ]

[uhbasicallyjustmilex]

personal rant (tw chronic pain, chronic illness)

i don't normally post stuff like this on here at all because i love keeping this space here just for fun fandom stuff, but today has just been so unbelievably shit and i feel like i just need to scream into the void about it for a moment to try and process.

basically, me and my sister had vip tickets to meet and see this band today who's incredibly special to us. they were a total lifeline for us when we were growing up, but we never got the chance to see them live. in august when we finally got these tickets over ten years after we both started listening to them, we were both over the MOON. it was such a special moment for us, but also felt like such a milestone because both of us have been through so much since we were those kids sitting in my room finding so much solace in this band's music together. it felt like such a significant thing to be going to see them all these years later, having overcome so much and both of us being in places now that we never thought we could get to.

anyway, fast track to today and i woke up in excruciating pain. some of you might know that i have some issues with various chronic illnesses/pain already, and one of the conditions i have is endometriosis. for anyone who doesn't know, it's an incurable condition where tissue similar to the lining of the womb grows outside the womb and causes chronic pelvic pain, fatigue, and a whole bunch of other fun symptoms. but it's biggest symptom, for me anyway, is the WORST period pain you can imagine. like, no medications can touch it, passed out on the floor for hours, screaming in agony kind of pain. i've lived with it for over half my life now and yes, obviously it affects me - but also i've got pretty good at learning how to manage it, and i have it down to like. a day or two per month where i'm incapacitated by pain rather than half the days. some months i don't get days like that at all now. i wouldn't say i feel good - a lot of the time i'm in pain and on painkillers/carrying around a hot water bottle with me when i'm at home etc - but i'm like. mostly functional. it hurts, but when it does, usually these days i can push through it when i really need to (even if that makes it worse later).

but today? today of all days, i woke up with the most excruciating pain i've had probably all year. i couldn't see or move enough to reach out to my bedside table and take my painkillers, let alone think of getting on a train and going to a gig. it's been over twelve hours and i'm only now able to sit up enough to watch stuff on my laptop for comfort and type this out (and i'm still in a lot of pain). of course my sister had to go to the gig without me, because there was just no way i could physically move to get there. and i'm just feeling so shit because although of course she was lovely about it, she was so nervous about going by herself and also really sad we couldn't go together, and i feel so much like i've let her down and that my body hasn't just ruined this incredibly special thing for me but also for her.

i generally try not to dwell on the stuff i can't do because i've learnt that it's NOT helpful, and it doesn't change anything anyway. i'm used to missing things i want to go to and not being able to see friends sometimes, working and having no energy left to do anything but sleep at the weekends. and most of the time it's okay, i've kind of made my peace with it. but on days like today i just feel so sad about it, all the things i don't get to do - especially things like this which are such special, once in a lifetime kind of opportunities. i know i shouldn't really complain because on the whole i've been really lucky with the things i've got to do despite my condition - i think this is the first time in a good five years or so that it's caused me to miss going to something really big like this, and i've got to go and see so many wonderful bands over that time. but this one... they're just such a special one to me and to my sister, and it feels like such a loss. and it just brings home how much this condition really does affect me - i've got pretty good at downplaying it over the years, but it's days like today where i'm like, no actually. this is awful and there's nothing i can do about it. which is a really scary kind of position to be in.

i don't even really know what the purpose of this post was other than to just let some of that out. normally i'd speak to my sister about it because she understands it the most, but i didn't want to let her see how upset i was about not being able to go because i still wanted her to have the best time possible and not be worrying about me. anway yeah, sorry to anyone who's read all the way through this, i know it's long and rambly and super negative. usually i'm able to take this kind of thing in my stride, but today it just really got me and i just feel so sad and defeated. i know in a few days it won't loom so big, and there are other wonderful things on the horizon that i'll get to do - but yeah. for today, i think i just need to let myself feel sad.

[silvertsundere]

I think it's funny how I'll be building up a new character in my head and after the first basic details it usually devolves into figuring out what kinda power/ability fits them/would be cool and putting them in combat situations sometimes I feel bad but at the end of the day I am an action junkie so I should just embrace it

[erabundus]

i think a lot about how calm ren seems on the surface and not only how quickly, but how DRAMATICALLY that can change in an instant.

[mermaidstede]

i’m not even being dramatic when i say this show altered my brain chemistry

[shmothman]

well. today was harrowing.