#i have a lot of dark thoughts when unhappy lol

[spookyji]

very unhinged thoughts abt yandere kai rn—

literally 2 brain cells away from writing unhinged yandere kidnapper kai ok like no one gets it BUT I have such a crazy idea like dark romance and it’s kai so it has to be rlly sweet too but also really crazy like really need him crazy and deranged and insane but really romantic and i !! im going to be in trouble lol

[vantaesfairie]

𝔭𝔦𝔠𝔨 𝔞 𝔠𝔞𝔯𝔡 : 𝔱𝔥𝔢𝔦𝔯 𝔩𝔞𝔱𝔢 𝔫𝔦𝔤𝔥𝔱 𝔱𝔥𝔬𝔲𝔤𝔥𝔱𝔰 𝔞𝔟𝔬𝔲𝔱 𝔶𝔬𝔲 (𝔯𝔬𝔪𝔞𝔫𝔱𝔦𝔠)

atlty’s tarot readings - dm for paid readings and prices!

choose a picture below:

pile 1, group of pigeons:

they want to give to you emotionally. they think of you as someone who they really want to woo. it’s heavy ‘i’m going to take a boom box and play love songs under your window or send you handwritten poetry’ vibes. they want to show passionate emotion towards you. this sounds like a very very kind and romantic pile. they want to start a family with you, be loved and supported by you. they think about being happy with you and watching the sunset and the rainbows with you while your kids (children or animal depends) play around beside you two. they think about achieving non material fulfilment with you, you’re perfect in their eyes. they seem like a creative and romantic person, this is so sweet 🥹 and they also think of you as someone who’s very queenly. they want to live a life of comfort with you. watch you succeed and blossom. definitely see you as someone with financial independence or budding. they look at you like this self sufficient, abundant person who will be successful in their older years. this is very traditional feeling, like they want to get you, meet your family, start a family, and watch you become this queen in their eyes no matter your age. lucky pile 1 tbh

messages: “let’s start a family” “you look so damn good” “please let me show you” “i want you, only you” “draw with me?”

pile 2, dark brown pigeons:

they definitely have some sort of sexual thoughts when they see you. they’re a passionate person and gets excited (wink wink) when they see you. definitely enjoys the chase. they think of you at night, and definitely fantasises about your body and your looks. they feel so hopeful when they think about your connection in the future, like they would do anything to keep it going and devote their emotional energy into it too. they think of you as someone who’s angelic, optimistic, innocent in a way that feels very fresh. it feels like they’re quite optimistic and enjoy being with you. i got a specific message they may enjoy or you may like stargazing. it’s a new infatuation, adolescent crush energy and it’s very playful. they want to show you that they really want you and they may express that artistically. they keep coming up with new ways to impress you and they may act cute to get you to smile. if you were guided towards pile 1, read it too, because this sounds like a more nsfw version of pile 1.

messages: “i love your body” “come on, let’s go” “do you want to watch me?” “your eyes are really pretty”

pile 3, light brown pigeons: 

this person is in a bit of a dark time now. especially at night, they get kind of depressed and unhappy. it feels like they might be in a bit of an emotional or financial rut. they feel despair when they think about you, like you two just fought and nobody won so both parties are just upset at each other even more. there’s an inner conflict and an outer one (the fight). they feel like there is nothing in common about you two, and that they are having a hard time to try and get to you in all aspects. however they really want to reconcile with you, there’s definitely a hidden mutual bond and attraction. they want to initiate the reconciliation and even though you two might not end up romantically, they at least want to be friends with you harmoniously without fighting. they think a lot about how to do that, and how to be compatible with you and both have an equal exchange of efforts. they miss you, they want to stop this unhappiness. they just feel like you’re an outcast to their life now, you don’t know them and vice versa. they crave that partnership with you deeply.

messages: “i’m so tired” “can we please stop” “we can start again” “do you want to try again?” “i’ll be the first one to initiate”

i’m so sorry for those who saw an empty post lol 🫶🏻

likes and reblogs are heavily appreciated! check out my paid readings if you’re interested. have a nice day!

[makoredeyes]

Keep it coming you say? 👀 I saw that tag! I'm ~quite~ bored, so here's a couple questions/whatever they're considered, lol.

Yes, flattery will get me very far here, indeed! To where? I do not know, but whatever, compliments! You deserve them. I'm rather sure my friends are tired of hearing me go on and on about destiny characters, ':)

How's your writing wip's going so far? I'm waiting very (im)patiently for any updates, I've totally not re-read everything forty-two times.. hope their all going well!

A little self indulgence here, but I like to think Andal Brask was the Hunter Vanguard when Osiris and Saint-14 were in, because.. come on, I'm rather sure the time frame adds up. I like to believe before, because their dynamic just seems really fun to me. Lots of great opportunities. (I partly blame that one fanart sylenth-l made of Andal and Osiris for this, it was really funny). What do you think their dynamic would be like?

What do you think it'd be like if the Iron Lords mysteriously came back alive? 👀 I'm talking, SIVA couldn't actually kill them because their ghosts hid in the light in their bodies, and SIVA only goes after non-organic materials right? Maybe it couldn't work it's way into the light, and as long as their ghost + light are intact, = alive. But *only* after the Warmind managed to get control over SIVA and free their physical bodies from harm? It's a thought I had, influenced by a few fics but I quite like the idea. Just imagine, a ghostless, lightless Osiris receiving word that maybe, they weren't as dead as he thought they were. Or Fel and Timur coming back only to realize what happened to Osiris?? Poor Sagira?? Learning lady Efrideet's alive? 👀 (Is that her name?)

Or perhaps, In this one fic, it's Timur and his special, take over your will little stunt he has, was keeping SIVA at bay, I think that's pretty neat too! So many possibilities! (If you were the one that wrote these, I hope you see this as a compliment cause I am not about to go dig through Ao3 to find them xD)

Either way, it'd be like a modern!au of the iron lords, for them at least, hah (I can just imagine Gheleon having a mental breakdown that their memorial involved fighting one another)

I can't really think of anything, but rest assured I will *probably* be back once I'm dome tormenting my poor boy Tevis

Ahaha yeesss YESSSS I feed me I'm such an attention whore lmao RIP XD. (fr tho bless you ;_; )

I am writing! There are longer gaps between posts rn because I have lots going on in my life, but also, because I am working on many fics at once. I counted the other day I have 26 WIPs but six I am actively working on in concert - three for Housefire that are all directly intermingled plot and timing-wise to the point where I'm not even entirely sure what order I'll be posting them in yet, another chapter for Things Found (I am trying to stay 2 chapters ahead with that to make sure I have a cohesive story for it), and two XXX stand-alone one-shots! I should fish out another teaser for everyone soon. I think it'll be one of the one-shots that makes it out next tbh they're the furthest along. But the naughty stuff is also the slowest to get written bc I yanno...can't write that stuff at work, etc. haha. But I've felt a new wind of motivation lately for writing and am picking away at these projects pretty regularly. <3

I'm going to admit I am not very well-read on the hunter squad in general, BUT iirc I believe Andal was Vanguard during the City Age. He was definitely around as I recall his presence in the comics. The problem with that time is that Osiris was largely absent. This was when the Cult of Osiris was gaining traction, and Osiris' obsession with the Darkness and the Vex was really heating up. He was neglecting his duties to the Vanguard (with Ikora often standing in as proxy for him) and he wasn't really paying attention to anyone else. Like. At all. There was a lot of unhappy tension even with Saint at that time. Andal, by all accounts, was a damn good fella though, and while I think just about everyone nettled Osiris, Andal also stuck up for him where he could. Even if Osiris couldn't appreciate that in the moment I'm sure he would come to later. I look at Osiris and see him as he is now, with some hard lessons learned and some hard losses under his belt, realizing a little too late some of the damn good souls he had in his court, Andal included. All of that said, 100% in a lighter, easier setting, a free-spirit like Andal (and/or Cayde...heaven forbid them both together!) would drive a stuffed shirt like Osiris up an absolute freaking wall with pure comical results, hands down.

(a side note, a brain storm, an insane thought that just poisoned my brain - a sweeter moment hidden from time: Andal's guitar and this gift of song Saint has hinted Osiris has....??????! I'm not melting it's just hot in here, right???)

As for Ironsbane and SIVA... I have INDEED put an awful lot of thought into this. Quite a lot. So much. I have my own ideas on ways to circumvent the disaster, O Reader Mine, but you're going to have to wait a while longer for me to write it. :3 (Housefire is, after all, ultimately, a fixit )

*but no SIVA attacks whatever it is programmed to, organic or not: and Rasputin set it on hundreds of Iron Lords and wiped them all out with the sole exception Efrideet and Saladin with the directives “REPLICATE, ELIMINATE, IMMUNIZE” it was not what SIVA was made to do but he deliberately repurposed it into a weapon. (I could go on for years about Rasputin and his darker epochs, but especially his misappropriation of SIVA lol)

** Your mention of Timur and his spooky skills DID remind me of another fic I need to get back to as well OTL TT_TT I still have requests I took in January I have yet to complete. At this rate it's going to take me all year to get them all done and by then I'll be taking more aahaha whuups.

[sith-obikin]

FINAL ROUND-UP ❤️‍🔥

Here are the last submissions to the first edition of the Sith Obikin Fest! In total we received over 40 works🔥

Stay tuned for our next announcements / thank-yous and a very exciting project coming SOON!

• Birth Astride A Grave (a play in two acts) by nngi_e

After his defeat on the fiery shores of Mustafar, a captive Obi-Wan Kenobi receives four visitors in the darkness of his cell:

a beloved Master long gone,

a beautiful Queen shrouded in blue,

a cruel Shadow covered in scars,

and the Sun at the center of it all.

• Vader Closes In by ArtisticlyBeautiful

Vader finds Obi-Wan in his cave on Tatooine. He will do whatever it takes for Obi-Wan to feel the heartache he has to live with now.

Set during the Kenobi series.

DW: Non-con, bottom obi-wan, ruthless vader

DNW: Piss, sweetness

• Three Measures of Blood by your cheap thrills (eurosthewanderer)

Sith! Obi-Wan stumbles upon a boy in his travels and instantly feels his great potential in the Force.

He snatches Anakin before anyone else can and proceeds to teach him the ways of the Dark Side.

DW: Go wild. Anything like the Jedi Quest or Rogue Planet, but they are both Sith. Perfect excuse to dive into the Sith lore and create their practices. You can make it as long as you want with Anakin of any age. But the world-building of the Sith is essential.

DNW: Only brief mentions of the teachings. Seriously, you can make it as wild as you can, but details are essential.

• wild animals i have known by travellingcircus

Reverse age AU - Set whenever

Sith Obi-Wan (wild and borderline feral), Jedi Master Anakin (always toeing the line of being a darksider but never falling)

Really I just want sith Obi-Wan to call jedi Anakin daddy (no age play). A plot would be nice, but I am far too happy with nothing but smut.

DW: Daddy kink, possessiveness, obsession, top Anakin, bottom Obi-Wan, they're disgustingly cute about each other but not in a healthy way

DNW: piss, scat, vomit, age play, omegaverse, unhappy ending, major character death

• Rage, rage against the dying of the light by Golden_Daffodils

Palpatine miscalculates. Killing Obi-Wan Kenobi is the reason Anakin falls, but he did not expect the boy to rebel and try to kill him in return when Anakin learns who he is and his role in Obi-Wan's death.

Would love a angst filled fic, with Anakin falling because Obi-Wan is dead, as Palpatine thought he would, and that biting Palpatine in the ass lol

Also it's up to you if Obi-Wan is really dead or not. I just want to make clear that the most important person for Anakin will always be Obi-Wan.

If nsfw, bottom Anakin/top Obi-Wan and lots of tender/passionate sex reunion.

No rape/non con, hardcore kinks, Anakin kneeling to Palpatine, Anakin killing other Jedi (I don't want him to be the instigator but he can kill to defend himself should you wish to go on that route), anidala, Obianidala, QuiObi.

• Bound By You by BlueAreTheStars

Reverse Age AU - Takes place in GFFA

Peace in the galaxy. A shaky treaty resulting in a tri-annual competition to see who reigns for a short period of time: the Empire or the Republic. It is not built to last.

Anakin Skywalker, older but no wiser from his Clone Wars escapades, is of course the Jedi's chosen champion, as much as he does not wish to be. There is no match for his power, his skills, anywhere in the galaxy now that peace has been declared but when a lithe young man steps into the arena, with gold eyes and an obvious hard-on for him, maybe Anakin has finally met one.

• mine, always by DPRen

Set in Rots. Canon divergence. Obi-Wan kills Palpatine in a fit of jealous rage at seeing Anakin kneel to be Palps apprentice. And now Anakin has to try and get his master back from the dark side while fighting his own internal battle. No unhappy endings ( happy sith murder husbands pretty please )

[botanicallyinclinednerd]

Lol, I can’t be certain I had scheming against Faye in mind when I sent that, but also 🤔 I have definitely “lol-ed” at the back and forth I do between you two so it is indeed possible. Vaguely, I think I did 😂 my brain is telling me I thought it would be funny, I didn’t know it would actually spiral sm XD Void Liv you say 👀 a Junji Ito inspired botanical design of an inky dark void would be a pretty cool badge 🎮 ✨ wow this RPG called “inflict brainrot on Fluffy’s friends” is pretty fun ^_^ so many achievements to unlock! Even better than Papa’s Pizzeria

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=zoGxPuMH5QI&pp=ygUWTGVnbyBtb25raWUga2lkIHggZXBpYw%3D%3D

“Know this, monkey. We’re not so different, you and I. We both fight for what we think is right.”

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=A73SfjLoErQ&pp=ygUWTGVnbyBtb25raWUga2lkIHggZXBpYw%3D%3D

I’m kinda surprised it was that animatic that led you down the dark path and not the other Lmk x Epic animatics I sent to Faye for you XD since they were longer but that one was more angsty, I see the vision.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=FPpwpD5ufvE&pp=ygUWTGVnbyBtb25raWUga2lkIHggZXBpYw%3D%3D

I think “Done For” kinda matches the whole situation with LBD and Macky huh 🤔 “One misstep, one failure, and I will erase the very memory of you.”

This made me laugh a lot anon. I'm glad Faye and I's antics are entertaining, we have fun.

So void Liv comes from Faye and I's angst war days watching Teen Wolf, where when I entered this mind set that we dubbed "void liv" (after void Stiles in 3b), I would be able to write really painful scenes without flinching and would just laugh when Faye yelled at me (I dont know how much you know about teen wolf but I once killed off a character named Corey, a character both Faye and I enjoyed) Now it might not SOUND super evil or unlike how I naturally am, but at the time I pretty much refused to write character death and unhappy endings, and would only do so when I was "void liv"

A Junji Ito inspired botanical design of an inky dark void would be a pretty cool badge

I literally love this idea so much, oh my god

Okay so it's not that the My Goodbye animatic sent me on a dark path, it didn't! It sent me on the path of imagining a sunburst duo falling out. That falling out and the thought of Mutiny caused me to start down a dark path and my evil little brain has made it worse at every turn. Like, everyone is dead and Wukong cries, evil

I checked out each of these animatics and they're all amazing, ty for sending them to me!

Yes, 100% on the LBD and Macky vibes with Done For

Ty Anon! 💜

[my-jokes-are-my-armour]

Tell the story backwards

You know, sometimes there is a small detail that triggers something in your brain that makes you see another perspective on something you know. 

Maybe you already did the connections and I am late to the party 😅, but this is my own recent journey through this clip and photoshoot (but mostly the clip).

I already pointed out that the teaser clip for Ruin is reversed. But I didn't try to reverse it until not so long ago. Because I thought it was easy to determine mentally what was the initial take. But well… imagining something and seeing something are two different things, one should know lol.

So that was when I noticed just a few days ago that the clock on the fireplace had a central position in the global picture that everything began.

Don't get distracted, this is the clock that I am showing there 😅 

Now, before returning to the "time" component of my analysis, I want to point out that the recurring visual theme of darkness for Joey's character and light for Madeleine's is back here too. And this is really present in this photoshoot. Madeleine is often shown in the light or toward the light, whereas Joey is often shown in a darker space or in a darker way.

The arrow of time

So ! Seeing the clock as central, I began to think about time. And my mind spiraled around the idea of time. What if time was important ?

In their songs the passing of time is something important but not really marked per se. Like we know time passes and there are a lot of memories but the songs are more like windows opening on specific moments of someone's life. In Ruin particularly, I have this feeling. This isn't totally chronological but I can imagine there is like one big story that links all the songs together. 

So I wondered. What if that clip was a window to those kinds of moments too ? So I just experimented to see what happens if I reverse the clip and what it is as they filmed it.

First, it changed the way my eyes read the picture. I should have known of course, as I studied that at the uni but I don't go on analysis mode for everything. And I surely didn't do this for this clip when I first watched it 😅.

Zoom out, like it was shown, my eyes mostly stayed on them. Because the room is pretty dark (and they are captivating 😌). But zoom in, my eyes wandered a little bit more on the room before focusing on them. And you know, there is a lot of stuff in this room 😅. Like, did you notice how much alcohol there is ?

Secondly, the scene changed in my mind because I noticed what was really happening between them. And with the song chosen for this, it made sense : Secret World.

For me, the top layer (if I can call that like that) of that song is about youth and passion. About enjoying recklessness while you can. And the rest of the album is pretty much all that went wrong but with a strength in it that helps to go through.

What we see in the clip is nothing of youth and passion, recklessness or anything. This is more of an uncommunicative couple "trapped" together. Maybe it's the turning point in their relationship. So showing us something backward is like the silent wish that things would get back to what they were.

The smile I didn't see before.

If I had to put a word on the feeling that I have while watching this clip, it would be "unhappiness". Madeleine's seems to fade, as she is the only one that looks at us and then looks away and shields herself, her hair hiding her face. 

And I realized while looking at it the other way round why I have this feeling of "fading". It's because she smiles, but reversed, the smile fades to a neutral expression. Whereas, in the correct order we see the smile growing on her face. And her body language is more coherent, especially with Joey's.

Madeleine's character is shielding from Joey's and avoiding his gaze. And she puts us it the confidence, smiling at us at the end. He tries to reach for her while bending to grasp his glass. She turns away, so she closes any interaction they could have had. He doesn't try any further and shields himself in turn.

I have reversed and cut the clip so you can watch both side separately.

The prison of "us"

I said that I have the feeling they are trapped with each other. The composition of the scene and of the picture itself does for most of it. 

First, the format. The ratio is 21:9 I believe, so the picture is quite large and a bit squeezed vertically. And it was shot in a wide angle lens which changes perspectives. 

If you look at the room in two different formats, it gives another impression of the dimensions and space.

In the first shot we can see that there is much more height and the walls seem closer. Also this is a 1:1 Instagram format which makes it like a box. In the clip everything seems wider but with a little bit of claustrophobic feeling. Because everything goes rapidly into darkness around the edges and the verticality is annihilated by the format.

Note : you can see the bottles on the right side on this (bottom) shot.

Then the elements of the picture make strong vertical and horizontal lines, but mostly vertical.

Usually, verticality gives power and height but within this format ratio and inside a dark room, it is more like the bars of a cage. Even the mirror behind them doesn't help to open the space, as the light is too ambient to create an open area. The room is big but the darkness eats the light. And this "prison" feeling can be confirmed by their body language. 

With just this clip, I could write stories. I love it 🥰.

Now I have a little bonus.

Because I went all the way down into my experimentations with time. When I reversed the clip I reversed the music also. And believe it or not Secret Worlds is listenable backwards for the most of it 😅.

Of course, the words are alien and the drums slightly of beat because the sounds are reversed but the melodic parts are incredible. So here is my favorite part backward of Secret Worlds.

Sorry I had to use the clip in slow mo to share because I can't send audio via the app.

See you around 😈

[good-beanswrites]

oooh, for the drabble prompts may I request Books or Night? with whatever characters speak to you for this one <3 thank you!!

Ahh thank you pal! :D I went with Books for Mahiru and Mikoto (I mean it takes place at night but idk if that counts lol)

From this ask game

Mahiru read a lot of books. She read a lot at her university. She read a lot on her own time. She could recall endless romance novels in which the knight in shining armor came to rescue his lover from her dark, musty dungeon cell. The thing was, she couldn't think of a single one in which the fair maiden had killed him before he got the chance.

She huddled in the back of her cell. Her headache had been a permanent one the last few days; Shidou wasn't sure when he'd have more painkillers for her. She didn't mind. It wasn't her head that hurt the most.

Hands clawed at her chest. She'd read so much at her university, and even the most unhappy endings weren't quite like this. There was always a message, a meaning to it all. Her thoughts returned to the classroom, when she drew out little charts and diagrams plotting out books. There always came a turning point. There always came a moment where everything became clear, even if it didn't improve. So, where was hers? When would this all make sense?

In the middle of her desperate search for a pattern amid everything that had happened to her -- everything that had happened because of her -- a knock echoed off her cell door.

"Come in..."

She was surprised when Mikoto swung it open. He gave her a slightly awkward, "hey."

Mahiru flinched as he tossed something her way. She barely caught an apple in her hands.

"You didn't show for dinner."

"T-thank you." She was slowly growing accustom to the new Mikoto that had started appearing around the prison. Now that had been a story-worthy twist. "Sorry to make you worry. My head was hurting, I just wanted to rest in here."

He nodded. "Yeah, I get that."

Whether it was the brief kinship she felt remembering how he'd been complaining of constant headaches, or the fluttering in her chest from the thoughtful gift he'd brought after noticing her absence, or even just a lapse in judgement due to her injured brain, she blurted, "can I ask you something?"

"Hm? Shoot."

She hoped what she was about to say wasn't ridiculous to him. She looked down at the apple.

"I... keep thinking of my favorite books. In all of them, the hero comes in to save the day just in time. But my hero... he... I mean, I..." She didn't need to explain it to him. Her smile filled with sorrow. "Between that and what happened with Kotoko... I'm realizing that no one is coming to save me. You and Amane, you don't seem as worried about it. How do you still have hope that someone's going to help?"

After an agonizing moment in which she was sure he was going to laugh, Mikoto crossed the room to her. He knelt on her bed. His expression radiated an intensity she wasn't used to seeing on him. He took her by the shoulders. His grip wasn't painful, but it was unshakable. His voice, too, came out commanding, and not cruel.

"Listen to me. No one's coming for you. You're right. No one else is going to help you get out of here. That's why you need to do it. I know it's not easy, but you can't just roll over and let this place walk all over you. The only one who will always be there to save you, is you. You need to be the hero, okay?"

She stared at him with round eyes. It wasn't the answer she'd been expecting. Or maybe, it wasn't the answer she'd wanted. She spoke with instinctual protests.

"But, but --! I'm not strong, or smart like the others. What can I even do for myself?"

Mikoto held her gaze, and she began to understand. "It's just like the stories. You do anything you can. You do everything you can."

[stargazer-sims]

Hi, how about 11, 13, 18 & 19 for the writer questions! I'm really enjoying your writing and how you develop your characters by the way :)

Thank you for the ask @simstrashkingdom ! I'm happy you're enjoying my stuff and my character developement. Your comment means a lot, and I appreciate it!

I've been having fun with this question set, and I think I'll have answered them all soon... Anyway, here you go!

__________

Is there a certain type of character you favour writing over the others?

I actually had to give this question a bit of thought. I guess I'd have to say my favourite type of character is the sort of person any reader might know in real life. While I really enjoy reading fantasy and urban fantasy, I don't enjoy writing vampires, werewolves, elves, etc. I do like writing aliens, though, but most of them turn out to be the "exterrestrial next door" as well. They may be unique in their appearance and culture, but they also have an inherent humanity (not to be confused with inherent Terran qualities).

I like writing characters with flaws that aren't immediately obvious until you get to know them, just like real people. There really aren't that many supervillains laughing evilly and giving dramatic monologues about their dark plans in real life, but there are a lot of people who can do maximum harm while either consciously or unconsciously convincing people they're actually not that bad of a person.

Likewise, real people's shortcomings aren't written large for all to see upon first meeting them, and others have to figure it out based on the infomation they have at any given time. This is how we get misconceptions by some characters about other characters. It's why other characters think Victor is stupid and Yuri is a selfish asshole who is emotionally manipulating him.

Incidentally, Yuri is selfish, but he's well aware of it and he struggles with shame and guilt about how much he asks of the people closest to him (but only the people closest to him actually know that). And Victor is neither stupid or naive when it comes to Yuri. He knows he does an extraordinary amount of things for Yuri, but he does it because he loves him and wants to do things, not because Yuri emotionally manipulates him into doing everything.

Is there one character that always fights you when you try writing them?

No, not really. No character in particular stands out for this. I understand my characters well enough that I can generally know what they won’t do, so they don’t fight me that often. From time to time, I try to get somebody to do something that doesn't work, and then they force me to work around them, but it's never consistently one character.

My most notable recent one was Nikolai, who was all, "No, I like all these people! You'll have to pick one for me." and then when I picked one, he changed his mind about it. XD

I also tried to do an AU in which Nikolai and Anya had a child together. They both HATED it.

Yuri also does NOT want to be a parent. I've thought of multiple scenarios in which he and Victor end up with a child, and Yuri is unhappy in all of them. So, obviously that's not happening.

What is one theme/storyline/idea you wish to write but never have?

I love science-fiction, and I've always felt like I should try to write a soft SF piece. It's something I've thought about, off and on, for literal years but have never gotten around to starting. I think this is mostly due to the fact that I have dozens of "vibes" and vague ideas, but nothing concrete enough to base a whole story on, and no SF-specific characters that I'm invested enough in to dedicate a story to.

What is one story idea you have in your head right now?

Really? Just one? I'm not sure I ever have just one at any given time lol.

One idea I currently have in my head is one that I've been brewing for a long time, and that's the story of Seiji & Sachiko; it's Seiji's quest to restore ghost lady Sachiko to life, and how they manage to help each other heal from their respective grief along the way.

I'm also contemplating what's next for Victor and Yuri, and at some point I want to get back to Au Ciel Étoilé and finish that up.

I'm trying to get back on track with The Art of Redemption too, because I really loved where I was going with that, but somehow lost the thread of what I was doing. I think I need to finish up some current WIPs first, so I can give that the attention it deserves.

Aside from that, I always seem to have half a dozen little vignettes or stray scenes floating around in my brain. Currently, I really want to write about Eden and Nikolai's first meeting because I think it'd be adorable, and I want to do some little fluff scenes with Nikolai and Ginger.

[thoumpingground]

The Tenant of Wildfell Hall Thoughts: Chapters 38-42

Helen is plotting her escape, let's gooo!! But first, drama. I knew Lowborough would end up suicidal. The way Helen describes him struggling not to kill himself in the room the night after he discovers the adultery is bone-chilling. He's pretty serene all things considered, though. Forgives Helen fairly quickly for keeping him in the dark, turns out Hattersley's plot to "take care" of Huntington (lol), by the looks of it gives Annabella a generous alimony if she's able to keep partying in London. It made me sad that he's happy to keep his son but not his daughter (because she looks like her mother, I guess? idr what Annabella looks like) but the story is bleak enough as it is and unless I'm contradicted later I'm choosing to believe he gets over it for both of their sakes.

Hargrave... vindictive little scumbag. I'm so mad at myself for feeling bad for you. In a book full of hateable men it's impressive how quickly he made top of the list. I wanted to scream when Helen told him about her escape plans. For a second I thought he might help her... but of course not. I have to go back to the Gilbert parts and see if he calls Helen "his angel" because that's clearly a red flag (Huntington did it too, that much I remember). I hope he goes back to Paris and some french opera girl drains him of all his money.

Hattersley is all over the place in these chapters. Such a chaotic redemption arc. Offering Lowborough to be his fucking hitman (again, lol), defending Helen from Huntingdon when they think she's cheating with Hargrave (so many bloody H's in this book), encouraging Huntingdon to turn a new leaf while they ply his son with alcohol... I know he had that conversation with Helen about Millie not feeling anything a few chapters back, so it doesn't exactly come out of nowhere, and he loves his kids, and he's still a dick through his good moments (plying toddler Arthur with alcohol, calling Helen names even while defending her...), but it still feels sudden. And when did he start loving Millie to the point the idea of making her happy pushes him over the edge into reform? He only married her because she was a doormat, and he's been deluding himself into thinking she was dead inside (that or she has a poker face that would put Vegas out of business), and I know he's been strugggling with that, but still. I'm glad Millie gets a reformed husband by the end of this section, but wow. What a trip.

Huntingdon commitment to get worse is impressive. I was surprised he pawned Helen off to his friends. Again, I'd read Arthur wasn't phisically abusive, and it appears he never rapes her, but this sounds an awful lot like he's giving his friends leave to. I have a half-formed thought about how Huntingdon keeps making masculinity and power about viciousness. He's making a show out of corrupting little Arthur to hurt Helen, but I think he sincerely beleives it's making a man out of him, and if they were on better terms he'd be doing it covertly. "A Misadventure"... Hooly shit, if there was ever understatement. And a reason to title the following chapter "Hope Springs Eternal in the Human Breast"! If the book hadn't started after Helen made her escape it might have made me cry. The bitter, sinister delight Huntingdon takes in stripping Helen of every mean of escape, and how casually he's able to do it, how ties his masculinity to it... I don't understand how this book isn't better known. This should be taught at schools.

I hate the way nobody's allowed to talk about the abuse. I swear, this is 1984 with petticoats. Helen and Millie urging Esther to be careful who she chooses while insisting that they're happy themselves... It reframes all Helen's and Aunt Margaret's interactions from early in the diary, though Esther seems more receptive than Helen (thank god...). Helen trying (usuccesfully) to hide her unhappiness from Aunt Margaret is so sad. So is her guilt over giving her aunt grief in her old age. On brighter news, Frederick to the rescue! I knew something good would come of Huntingdon fucking off to London for half the year! I knew Lawrence was Helen's brother! It's gonna be fun when she finds out that Gilbert struck him in the face. It's gonna be fun when Gilbert realizes who he struck in the face!

[clubfluffer]

Random AOS thought after episode 8:

How they gonna end it all in two eps I don't flipping know? I kind of hope we get another series because I feel like we haven't learnt everything about a lot of these characters. Like, if they can't get LJW and GJY back I'd totally watch a series about Go Won (who is OBVIOUSLY not on the dark side I mean come ON) becoming king and finding his wife. I mean, if they couldn't get JSM to do this series cos of other commitments, I'd totally be down to see her as Buyeon and maybe getting together with GW if she comes back fully? And I cannot be the only person who watched the last episodes wondering who they could cast to play Yul's father, who everyone seems to be terrified about? Just give us more!!

Speaking of Go Won, I'm going to believe he and Uk have come up with some plan to basically get Jin Mu and destroy him and his secret organisation, because in this episode GW specifically asks if he's going to be introduced finally and we see this in the previews. ALSO I like the idea that the Uk that we see at the end of the ep may be a figment of her imagination but WHAT IF GW managed to get a message to Uk about Buyeon/Naksu going into Gwido, so he can get to her? I mean, they mentioned the door randomly opening to let Uk in at the beginning so who's to say someone/something did the same to Gwido? Rewatching the bit when Naksu shows up, it does feel like GW is surprised by her coming and wondering how the hell he's going to stop her getting hurt & let Uk know about it. Before that as well, when Jin Mu is praising GW for getting Uk to leave and they have that conversation about protecting those they love which is then repeated by Uk when he talks to Park Jin about who his target it. Sounds like a part made by the two to take Jin Mu down! *crosses all my fingers*

Is it just me or did anyone else notice how Naksu's eyebrows got darker the more she became comfortable with her memories? And this look she gave Jin Mu was absolutely 1000% I Am Going To Fuck Your Shit Up, Jin Mu, You Little Shit. Not once in any of the previous episodes has she imbued the spirit of assassin!Naksu as much as she did here, eyebrow raise and everything!

Can't wait for Uk and Naksu to have a fight over who had the biggest jealous strop over themselves once everything gets sorted out lol *ignores any hint of a unhappy ending*

I had other thoughts but ngl a lot of them disappeared when I went back to rewatch the start of the episode lol *fans self*

[elipheleh]

i watched mary & george today and was blown away by it. i don’t tend to go for historical/period dramas and i tend to struggle to concentrate solely on a tv show, but i spent probably 80% of the time not using my phone (because it was so captivating) which is ridiculous given my normal which is like 25% max not on my phone. it was really very good.

spoiler thoughts under the cut, still processing my emotions tbh but it got q long

i would have liked to see more of the relationship between george & the king, it was - by all accounts - a very close relationship & the show presented it less in depth. i was really hoping “christ had john and i have george” would make it in, as well as some of their letters, but i guess it was focused too much on mary & george to fill that in. the relationship also seemed… weird? why did the king bite him like that?? other than occasional moments it didn’t feel like i was maybe expecting it to. i wasn’t expecting blatant love and affection but i was expecting some. it seemed mostly focused on the arguments.

i was surprised they went with george physically killing the king - while it is speculated he poisoned him, it was done through medication rather than so abruptly/violently. it made him much more… villainous, i suppose, determined to do anything to protect his position including killing the one he claimed to love, but it just… i didn’t really like that.

i saw someone saying about how george’s death was rushed and inconsequential and just of no real value & that was demonstrating how little impact his death really had - they had to hold his funeral at night because people loathed him so - & thought that was really interesting.

when george slept with carr only to say he just wanted him to think of that as he died… chills. they were both using sex to get the other to do something for them, the parallel between characters is beautiful there

the king’s heart scene… that was really special.

i loved that they showed george as loving katherine. i don’t know if he did in real life, but it was really nice that they had such a bond in this. she was very pragmatic and i think they were a great pairing.

very sad about sandie’s death. i hadn’t connected that it was bacon who’d ordered it until he said and it was very frustrating. so much backstabbing.

the… decapitation scene had me hiding from the screen only to be fooled and i had started looking again & they showed the decapitated head arghhh. unhappy about that. the hangings were.. not great but slightly better.

wasn’t expecting the second scene to be someone hung from a tree either which was an incredible shock.

cringed a lot at the dancing lol. i was glad that the ‘may i perform for you’ was about the instrument and not a dance. much less embarrassing.

i felt really bad for charles with the spanish bit. that was really frustrating and annoying.

kit rescuing george was my favourite thing. gross way to do so but the ‘how is he going to get out of this’ to “oh kit!!” was wonderful. george’s “are you sure we weren’t followed” in hindsight being ‘did you see kit’ was so clever. i think id have to watch it again to catch more nuances like that.

mary telling the attendants to leave her attached to george a little longer was soooo telling of their attachment, on mary’s behalf anyway.

the scene where george decides to go and join the french pair was really well done, his hesitation and then return when he decided to give in was so good. the being torn between what is “right” and what he wants.

love that they went back to the guy who was saying george would never get w the king & that he saw he’d managed it. really nice link there.

lastly (because im gonna keep going indefinitely otherwise) i really liked the lighting. the night scenes were accurately lit - firelight and candlelight - but you could still see what you needed to see, and it wasn’t just dark and dreary.

[miniscrew-anon]

HSH House Floor Plans

So I was trying to write something and I was having a hard time visualizing it. So I decided to sketch out what I thought the HSH house looked like to make it easier. Originally it was just a doodle for myself but then I got carried away and ended up with way more detail than I set out to do. So I’m just gonna post it here just for fun!

Starting out on the bottom floor:

(I know these lines aren't straight. I know things look wonkey. Yes, it bothers me too. But i'm lazy and I'm not going to do it neater. I didn't have any graph paper, okay?)

This is what I envision when I write out the house (second one, not the original townhouse). 

Starting on the sidewalk I have you walk up a few steps to get to the front door. The foyer is where the staircase goes all the way up so you can see the top floor, so it’s open ceiling there. Aside from that tiny alcove where the front door is. A little closet under the stairs for your shoes and coats is about the only real ‘feature’ aside from high ceilings (and poor murdered thermostat). 

Moving up, we go into the living room and come across the bay window. Or as I like to call it - Sky’s sleepy spot! It gets a lot of light and it makes him feel like a happy remlit to sleep there. There’s a big bookcase and a small sofa for the anti-social too. 

There's a bathroom (because it’d be weird for there to be no bathroom on the first floor) but I was too lazy to map it out so use your imagination there. 

Then we hit the main area of the living room - the TV spot! The TV is mounted above the fireplace and there’s a shit ton of space to chill thanks to a very nice sectional sofa. Coffee table to hold your drinks and snacks. There’s a shelf unit behind the couch for all their games and movies and a door that leads outside. 

Into the Kitchen/Dining Area! 

The Kitchen is huge and has a shit ton of counterspace and cabinets. There's what's almost an industrial sized fridge/freezer and two stovetops and ovens. And of course what kitchen would be complete without an island and a breakfast counter.

The dining area probably has, like, fine china in cabinets or something but I was too lazy to draw it in so just imagine that it's very classy. All I could muster was drawing that huge table. No chairs tho lol

There’s a door into the garage. Take a few steps down to make it more even with the street and there’s space for the cars and the bikes to the right. To the left there’s a huge pile of miscellaneous shit Time brought from the old townhouse and things that Legend can’t store in his room. The lower left of the garage is sectioned off by an invisible line that Four draws by glaring at you when you cross it. Enter at your own risk. But he does permit people to come in to wash their clothes in the laundry machines/dryers behind his space.

Out back there's the porch and shed. I didn’t draw the furniture, grill or tree (or treehouse) but rest assured it’s there. The yard is fenced in but any assassin worth their salt can jump it, so Time has garden lights out on the perimeter to keep it from being too dark to see at night.

The Second Floor:

The second floor is basically all bedrooms. So. many. Bedrooms. I almost didn’t fit them all because holy sheet there are a lot of boys in the house and they all have to live on the second floor. Even Wind because I’m pretty sure he’s on the second floor with the others in the new place.

Going clockwise from bottom right;

The small bathroom. Not as big, not as nice, but still coveted. Time made sure to have more than one bathroom in the new place because the boys threatened mutiny if they all had to keep sharing one. And to be fair, it was a rather big oversight the first time. If Time had gotten the ten kids he’d wanted he would have had a lot of unhappy campers.

Wind’s bedroom is a mess. He chose this bedroom because it shared a room with only one of the others and it was close to a bathroom. He opted for a single bed to have more room for his computer set up, since he’d downgraded from the townhouse in terms of bedroom size (and he wasn’t going to need a double anytime soon). He’s got a big honking chair because he spends so much time in it and mounds of junk on the floor because he doesn't have a dresser. The X is the forbidden zone where his clothes go to die and feed the colony of bacteria and teenage boy germs.

Wild’s bedroom isn’t really optimized. A random dresser on the wall leaves a lot of dead space around. He has a lot of stuff and not enough places to store it so a lot of it ends up between his bed and the wall. It smells nicer than Wind’s pile though. Instead of a desk he has a vanity, but due to disorganization it houses his mixing board now. 

Twilight ended up with a corner room because he likes having a lot of light. His bed faces the windows because it helps him wake up in the morning to have the sun beam its light directly into his retinas. He’s got a desk and a closet that he keeps pretty clean. He didn’t know what to do with the space behind or in front of his bed so he got a thin shelf and shoved it in. He’s not super satisfied because it feels like he’s wasting space but he’s got other things to think about these days.

Sky’s room is neat and cozy. Thanks to the weird corner he had a hard to optimizing his space but he figured it out. His bed faces the door because unlike some people he actually doesn’t appreciate the sun trying to burn his eyes in the morning. His desk is on wheels so he tossed his chair away and just drags it to the edge of his bed when he actually needs to use it. It saves space and Sky gets extra time in his bed. Yes, he is a master of his craft.

Warriors opted for a very small desk so he could better fit in another wardrobe for his clothes. The room is smaller than he’d like but it’s close to the nice bathroom and that’s what’s important to him. (not pictured it the full sized mirror that hangs on the wall in front of his closet). Being a social creature, Wars doesn’t spend much time in his room so he doesn’t need it to be big. And after living in the barracks he’s more than used to living in small spaces. The biggest challenge for him was finding enough room for his clothes. Thankfully he cycles through Time’s wardrobe so it’s a non-issue.

The bigger bathroom is bigger and better and almost always has a line in front of it in the mornings. (That's what the couch out in the hallway is for. Waiting.)

The rooms on this side of the house are actually smaller than the ones on the other side and don’t have closets, which was a big thing to consider when the boys were picking rooms. Despite the smaller space, eventually Legend and Hyrule chose these two because they are adjoining, which makes it easier for them. Legend's room is mostly storage aside from his signature rug where he performs his work rituals and his altar, which he keeps pristine among the clutter.

They both sleep in Hyrule's room. Legend respects Hyrule's space and keeps his clutter to his own room, only using the bed. The chest at the foot of the bed holds most of Hyrule's things but it has to be either dragged out to be opened because it’s so close to the wall, or you have to smush yourself against the wall. Usually Hyrule smushes because he’s too tired to go digging around. But he doesn’t have to go into it often because his day-to-day things are kept in the thin dresser along his wall. It’s very small but Hyrule lives frugally and doesn’t own a lot aside from his work clothes, which he hangs behind his door to keep them from wrinkling.

Four won the corner room from Sky in a rock-paper-scissors dispute because of the window. It's an impossibly cozy nook that Four loves to read at when the weather is gray and a bit dreary. It really sets the mood. But truthfully he hadn’t really wanted the room because of the window. He likes it because it puts him as far from everyone else as possible. Not that he doesn’t love the guys but Four is private and he doesn’t want to deal with people walking past his door and peering in randomly. All the spaces above, below and around are as quiet as he can get so the corner room was worth fighting for. The privacy is extra nice when he has a guest staying over. The lack of space isn’t bad either since he doesn’t have much to begin with and anything he actually needs he can just store in the garage.

The Danger Ledge is a small space between the banister and the large window at the front of the house that lets in a lot of natural light. It's called the Danger Ledge because you have to climb around to get to it. Many a boy was bruised in their constant endeavor to climb the Danger Ledge, thus it earned it's name.

The Third Floor:

Upon hitting the top of the stairs you can find a little seating area. It’s just a quiet place to sit that doesn’t belong to anyone else and also is away from everyone else. For the occasional need to decompress without another presence. 

Then there’s the master bedroom. And god, is it big. The bed is basically the size of one of the bedrooms downstairs. There is a dresser with a big TV there for when Malon visits or for when Time needs to watch his soaps without judgment (joking. Maybe). 

And of course he has a huge walk-in closet and private bathroom. It’s got the biggest, nicest tub and no one else is allowed to use it. Everyone else is very bitter about it.

His office is opposite that. Big desk and a huge bookcase to hold his old cases, a fireplace and brooding window for ambiance. And another seating area, this time just for in case any of the boys pay him a visit. There’s also an armchair next to the couch so he can sit there and discuss things on the couch that I forgot to draw in. Oops lol

Then the last room is the newest. Originally it was another storage room but since Winds been helping so much and his newest rig needs a lot of space, Time gave it up so he could have his own space. With the stipulation that he keeps it neater than his bedroom

[cosmic-ships]

Here my friend!! 🎫 A pass for you to gush about whoever you would like! :3 (dragonsmooch)

Hi, I've had this since the start of January and back then I didn't have the ability to gush because I wasn't sinking in feelings of a love I didn't know I could have again SO hello! Hi, I'm sorry about what I'm about to unleash on you :3 incoherent gush incoming!

UNDER READ MORE CAUSE L O N G

Ahem Chapter 1. kldjdlskf

What's to say that I've not already said? Ben has completely taken over, not just my blog but my heart and soul. what can I say? I feel hard and I fell fast. It's hard to describe but he has this aura about him (aside from when he was initially a jackass lol) but later there's an aura about him that I just feel connected to. I also relate to his youth as my youth was similar in a sense of us both feeling like our parent(s) were never there for us. They were always busy doing something else leaving us to our own devices it was lonely. Anyways I won't get too much into it but I do relate with a lot of things that Ben goes through they aren't extreme by a long shot but I get what he did the things he did. I don't condone it in the slightest but I do understand.

If I was anywhere else telling any other people that Ben actually makes me feel alive and excited to wake up in the morning they would probably tell me I was crazy and to seek professional help because they don't understand. It's true though Ben not only sparked my creativity but he sparked my love for life again. To open my eyes and be excited for what will happen in the day as opposed to waking up and wishing I could just go back to bed. He helps me remember daily tasks. "He'd want me to _" I have felt so much happier ever since Ben came into my life.

Want to hear a funny story? I don't know if you were following me at the time but I did see Th.e Fo.rc.e Aw.ake.ns in thatres when it came out(Which I have to fix on my own gush post because it made it sound like I didn't see the first one when I did lol) anyways I mentioned it very briefly on my old self-ship blog that I thought Ky.l.o R.e.n was badass and I admitted that he was pretty cute- I guess the universe wasn't ready for us to find each other yet. Least that's what I like to think. I didn't need him like I do right now.

It's so baffling to me, like my logical side knows he's a fictional man but then the rest of me just feels overwhelmed by the love and happiness I feel merely just thinking about him to the point where I feel like he is actually my real boyfriend as if somewhere in time and space there is a universe out there where we actually exist together and that universe is sending signals or crossing over and I'm feeling what the other me feels everyday, its sounds very idiotic when I say it out loud but it's something I like to think about often.

Ben really said "I'm here now and I'm going ensure you're never unhappy ever again" Really, when friends message me or I'm tagged in something or anything really there are moments where I catch myself, I didn't fake the smile I smiled with my eyes too. I'm genuinely happy and excited to hear about my friends ships. That's not to say I wasn't excited before but it would always get that pang in my heart "Why can I feel like that too?" and then I'd feel really sad. For the longest time I felt like I was a malfunction.

chapter 2 where I talk about the feral man's appearance and actually get to the gushing.

Oh cute, you thought I was kidding about the chapters /lh

This man has such a grip on me. He's the most beautiful man I've ever laid my eyes on. for real, he makes my heart melt. He's tall and handsome what's not to love?

His eyes are absolutely gorgeous! Those beautiful brown eyes, like sunlight shining through a whiskey glass. I love how his eyes can look so honeyed in some scenes and then when it's dark they look like beautiful pools of obsidian. His gaze is intense and I will be the first to admit it makes me weak in the knees.

I love his lips too..they're so full and the look so soft~ I love imagining kissing him more often than I like to admit. Our lips would fit so perfectly together. I also sort of like it when he pouts, something doesn't quite go his way and its a pout~ It's actually really cute.

I. LOVE. THIS. MANS. SMILE! and its such a shame that I only get to see his precious smile just ONCE and it has to be a stupid dumb canon x canon moment. Thankfully I can tune the other one out and just focus on Ben and gods his smile completely ruined me in the best of ways! he has the prettiest smile I've ever seen. He smiles and it feels like a ray of light engulfs my entire heart and I can't help but smile too because his smile is so contagious!!!

I love his hands too, might sound weird ik but just thinking about him locking his fingers with mine as he holds my hand fills my stomach with butterflies~

you see I did good, I waited until now to say, I think about gripping this mans hair and running my hands through it SO OFTEN its a problem! I love his hair, its so thick and when its all messy and he looks all disheveled I feel my face explode. (Meaning I instantly blush and its too hot for my cheeks lol)

Did you read this far? THANKS IM SORRY I just have a lot of feelings for this man. He means the absolute world to me and I am so so happy! /srs Thank you for letting me gush and I'm sorry it took so long!

THIS MAN IS EVERYTHING TO ME <3

[hirokiyuu]

all my tension, taut and inhabited

ever since @vergess wrote some truly fantastic besk meta, i've been rotating her in my mind and now have. well. written a Lot of fic about her in an au where she lives LMAO this is not quiiiiite long enough to go on ao3 so for now i'm putting it on ao3 until either i have more publishable besk stuff or maybe just until my beta bullies me into putting it on ao3 anyways.

please note this fic/au has strong themes of suicide, major depression, unhealthy romantic relationships, and unhealthy parent/child relationships. besk is in a pretty bad place! this comes into play with pretty much everyone she interacts with! take care of yourself and keep scrollin if this doesn’t sound like hte fic for you!

as always, thanks to alm for beta’ing! title is from mal blum’s better go, which is kind of lowkey my besk/instance theme but also a bit just my besk theme in general LOL

and with that:

After everything, when Besk has finally been left alone to lie in the dark, her son sneaks into her room. [besk lives au, pt1]

Afterwards, when the shouting’s died down and her throat’s been treated -- Thank goodness, Tan had murmured when she must’ve thought Besk couldn’t hear, that she didn’t tie the noose properly, which had made Besk want to prove exactly what she’d be able to do with a rope and someone’s vulnerable neck -- after the discussions that she doesn’t bother speaking during and after they’ve let her know she’s on suicide watch, courtesy of Congruence -- after, when she’s finally been left alone to lie in the dark -- after everything, her son sneaks into her room.

She should’ve expected it. Her constant companion, her Dysthymia. He’s never going to leave. “Mom?” comes his small voice from the open door, quiet and a little hesitant. “...Mom?”

She can’t bring herself to answer. She wishes she were dead. There’s a very long silence, before the door shuts, footsteps tiptoe across the room, and then the side of the bed dips. 

Most likely he’s been told not to see her, but it doesn’t matter. Dysthymia doesn’t listen to anyone at all. At some point she’s begun crying again, and when her son crawls forward and their eyes meet, he hesitates. “Mom?” he says, still in his wobbling child’s voice, greedy for her attention, for her love.

She doesn’t answer. Her eyes fall closed. Another pause comes, long, exhausting. Why couldn’t Tan just let me die, she thinks, and it’s halfway through this thought that something warm snuggles up against her chest.

Oh. She cracks an eye open, just barely, looks down. Her son has nestled himself in between her limp arms, burrowed up against her chest with his tiny fists clinging to her sides. He’s not looking at her. Their eyes don’t meet. He doesn’t say anything.

Alright, she thinks. Okay. Okay. He’s warm and small, and she’s reminded, suddenly, of when he’d just been born: her baby, small and helpless and so, so needy. Warm and easy in her arms.

She’s still crying. She hasn’t stopped. But she lies there in the dark with her child, the small quiet warmth of him, and finds herself breathing in time with the rise and fall of his tiny shoulders. Doesn’t quite manage to hold him back, can’t find the strength in her arms, but it’s alright -- she doesn’t have to. He’s already where he needs to be.

Time gets away from her, these days; she doesn’t know if they lie there for minutes or hours, silent and together in the dark. She might have drifted off. The next thing she’s aware of is the door sliding open again, harsh light cut to shreds by two figures, and a child’s voice: “--not fair, I want to see her too!”

Fuck. Dysthymia says nothing, just pushes in closer towards her. Next is Tan: “Both of you need to come back out here, and give your mother some space.” Her voice is at its gentlest, which paradoxically makes Besk wish that she were dead. “We’ll bring you to see her later, when she’s feeling better.”

“Dys got to see her!” That voice is so shrill. Unhappy. Miserable with longing, a state Besk is all too familiar with herself. Her eyes, again, are becoming hot. “I want to see her too! Look, I want to show her my science project!”

Go away, I don’t care, is Besk’s first thought. What a miserable human being she is. Horrid, cruel, despicable. She was supposed to be dead by now. “You can show her later,” says Tan, still in that same not quite gentle tone. “For now, she needs rest. Dys, come along.”

The weight in her arms doesn’t move; Tan huffs out a sharp breath. How annoying. She used to sigh like that when Besk would interrupt her too, sometimes, back when Besk was searching for something to keep herself afloat and found Instance’s hand instead. “Dys. It’s for your mother’s sake.”

For a moment she thinks Dysthymia won’t leave, but the weight in her arms squirms just a little, and then her son is pulling away. She doesn’t fight it. Her face is wet. “Thank you,” mutters Tan. If Besk had the energy she would carve Tan’s throat out with a scalpel.

From the door comes a displeased huff, as the footsteps slowly cross her floor, and then again that petulant voice says: “It’s not fair.” 

Life never is, Besk thinks. Lucky for her she’s got no way to move her mouth: that’s not a lesson that any child needs to learn yet. From her peripheral she can just barely see the shadows in the doorway, made inhuman backlit as they are: one a monster in two parts, connected only by the long appendage too long to be a single arm, and then to its side the small lump she would know even if she were dead.

“Bye, Mom,” says her son, quietly. There’s a pause, and then the other voice echoes the sentiment, still sullen. Besk doesn’t answer. 

Another sigh from Instance. Part of Besk wants to curl up tighter under the blankets, but it seems like too much effort. Instead she lies there until the door shuts, and finally, finally, she’s left alone once more in the dark.

She closes her eyes. It’s colder than before.

[star-shard]

Thoughts on: Elvis: The Early Years (2005)

It stars Johnathan Rhys Meyers as Elvis, the first episode covers the 50s, and the second covers the 60s. Each episode is around an hour 30 and at the time of writing are available on Freevee.

So the first episode covers the basics, a lot of whats covered in most Elvis properties being how he got started. It's road well tread so I'm going to keep it short and sweet that it's pretty accurate to the events, thats good.

Meyers is a talented actor but it's hard to see him as Elvis, imo. He does the raised lip thing which looks pretty weird rather than natural. And in a majority of songs, they dub him with Elvis's voice. And I'm sorry dude, you don't sound enough like him for that to work. It came off as jarring. That being said he's a fine actor, no doubt about that at all. But, idk, I didn't feel a whole lot of love in his performance. Hard to describe. (AKA Austin Butler has ruined all other EP performances for me lol)

The second episode is what's usually breezed by in depiction of Elvis: The 60s. Even Elvis (2022) does a montage for the early/mid 60s. That's the unique bit of this particular series. Involving his relationship with Pricilla, Ann Margret, and a surprise showing of Larry Gellar. It's a time of his life less shown in media, lets talk about that.

So the 60s were seen as the dark ages for Elvis Presley (if we're to call the 68 special a renaissance). He was making movies he didn't believe in and music that was churned out fast, even for a couple of hits that were found in there (Little Less Conversation, c'mon now), theres just as much throwaway.

I for one really like his 60s era. Idk even if his movies are far from high art I get a lot of enjoyment out of them, and it's an interesting era to know about, one a lot of people ignore.

So any media willing to show it, I encourage that.

So how they'd do?

Well I'm glad they addressed his relationship to Pricilla head on. They didn't skirt it, she was 14 when they met and they say it out loud. I am ALSO glad they made it clear they didn't have sex until she was an adult, also a fact. And it was Elvis's decision, he wanted to wait (they could have just taken the provocative route but they stayed true to reality) As well as his at times turbulent relationship, EP's controlling nature. Loving as he could be, he wasn't the best husband at all.

I wish they showed more of Ann Margret in a positive light. Y'all, the actress for her was so... terrible. Idk why they gave her a sexed up babydoll voice like. No. Sure she was the 'other woman', but she was also an uber talented actress with her own story. And from everything I've read her and Elvis were legit soulmates. I understand why it didn't work out, (EP preferred traditional relationships, thats a roadblock) But I wish they showed more of their souls here. Rather than it being a fling. They were friends for years after, c'mon now.

They were transparent on his drug use, spending habits, how it negatively affected those around him. A rare violent moment when he was drugged up and injured a woman with a pool cue. And also on how Tom Parker held his career back for money. Truths.

Elvis's interest in spirituality was also shown but... in a very negative light. Now, I won't pretend I know exactly what happened. If my friend ran up preaching at random hours maybe I'd be concerned too. But it's always rubbed me the wrong way that it's depicted like a drug fueled weird detour in his life.

To my understanding Elvis was unhappy with where his work had been going, and what his place was. When you're unhappy, you look for answers. He was already an avid reader so of course he'd look into finding religion. Maybe Larry Gellar had other motives, I don't know, but his inner circle forcing him to burn his books comes off as... ugly. It truly did happen, which makes it even worse.

The scene tries to paint Elvis as a lost kind of person going off the rails but it just ended up with me kind of hating the Memphis Mafia. Dude, if your friend/employer is starting to rave about the meaning of life and what he's here for, maybe thats an INDICATION that he needs a different kind of support than he's gotten and it's not be joked about. Burn the drugs, not the books.

#ElvisNeededTherapy

Religion was the least of his problems, that's all I'm saying.

And they show the whole 'Elvis wasn't recognized on Hollywood Blvd.' story which, is unconfirmed let's face it. It's a good indication on where he was in life, but this miniseries is going for more realism so idk thats a weird moment (yeah his movies weren't doing great but ur telling me NOBODY recognized him? Not buying that one)

The more I watch other depictions of Elvis, the more I can see why Elvis (2022) is praised. So many of these series paint post-50s Elvis in a depressing light, like he was never happy and a has-been always ten feet away from relevancy. It comes off as so dark.

(Side note something I noticed is: Most people that hate his post 50s career seem to be specifically music artists that were inspired by him. They wanted him to be everything and were angry that he couldn't be that.)

It's important to address his flaws but, I just really feel tired after depictions like this. And not in a way like I got to know him. Movies that strictly take after Elvis: What Happened, and Elvis and Me, I always take with a grain of salt. (Written by scorned parties, there were true stories that were written fast and both pools of writers have regretted/taken back parts of their books)

Yeah, I just appreciate Elvis (2022) so much now. It showed both his darker sides while still maintaining his humanity. It showed his teeth and also explained why they'd gotten so sharp. It explained WHY he lashed out, why he felt the way he did. Rather than taking the sides of people that would gain from writing a tell all book for the fourth time.

[pokefanbri]

I've always been open about this but not by much. I just keep it to myself due to ridicule from friends or family, idk how the public would react. I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia in 2009 when I was 19 years old. My auditory "hallucinations". Would drive anyone mad being that I've been dealing with it for 16 yrs now. It's always been like a quest on just trying to find out where it comes from or who it is, the source of these disembodied voices in my mind. Whether spirits, angels, someone on the other side of the 🌎, or demons cuz they be lurking. And now into my 30s have evolved into visual hallucinations. A mystery that I wanna know too. There is a research facility at the U of A here in Tucson that involves psychic activity research that I would love to check out.

I held it together while dealing with hard challenges in life, it's difficult to cope with. At first the voices were so loud that music with headphones wasn't able to drown it out. But as I grow, & come closer to God, it becomes a gift and easier to control. Since the bad was washed away, it's become a part of me. I have been baptized 3 times in my life so far cuz sometimes being a good girl I slip lol & nobody is perfect. However after each baptism I get this euphoric feeling and I know that I'm surrounded by angels and I feel like the veil has been lifted it's really cool. I believe I'm connected somehow to Him & the angels. But the darkness still lurks around every corner. I feel evil presences I even hear them talking to me but of course I talk back with attitude when I probably shouldn't. Things tapping on my closet door I even imagine being dragged under my bed. I've saved my mom's apartment and it just made things worse for a time. I saw advice from Christian friends and even my pastor and they have told me that when you try to get rid of a demon they just bring more especially when you're not qualified to cleanse.

The more difficult the challenge, the more unhappy I am, the more I want to die. But God has gotten me through a lot, He can get me through it all I know it. But I also know I can't just play into the devil's hands, let his demons win messing with my head & emotions, I know better now

Its a long story, since 09 the bad took over but owned it since discovering my faith. 😈 may still wanna get at me & hate me w/a passion, which is explains my terrible life he must hate my ass. But God's power & light is so much greater, & protected w/the ✝️ on my chest, 😈 can try 😒

" paranoid schizophrenia" by doctors. But I know what I'm hearing. No friends or family ever believes me or wants to hear it, so I suffer in silence. It's just a matter of finding out what it is & the source. I have foresight in precognitive dreams ie Deja Vu since I was 4, Im sure alot of people have that but for me it can be frequent & never make amy sense as its visions of random happenings in my life weeks or months in advance. I have rare visions whilst awake of which God shows me, like when I meditated & spoke to Him before my babtism which I thought was pretty cool. I've been known to have telepathy with others & has been a cool experiment with other spiritual friends, & automatic writing to where the pen writes itself while holding it loosely.

"Schizophrenic" since 09 but Supernatural things happening for quite a while, & just evolving since. I'd get help for this issuse but idk how or where to start, sorta self taught. Doctors just want me to suppress it, but my new doc said if it makes me happy I don't have to.

It is conflicting with my faith cuz I know the Bible says beware of psychics & magicians in the same verse. We aren't supposed to know all mysteries in the universe cuz faith. But what happens when one of those mysteries involves you, wouldn't you wanna know? What if God chose u for something? What if it's a miracle?

And what if it's not exactly psychic activity per se. Cuz all God's children are prophets of the Lord. The signs are happening now of the end of days & the children are seeing visions of the end, I had 1 myself. When you're childlike u inherit the kingdom of heaven. He's warned us plenty of times.

Maybe it's easier than we think. Maybe, it doesn't have to be so complicated. Maybe He's easing us into it & Revelations isn't as horrific as it seemed in the Bible, but did its job into putting the fear of God into me lol. Life's too short, but what do I do with it, where do I go from here? After all the hell I've been through, & I'm still at entry level jobs with just customer service options. What if, more than 1 Angel is here, more than 2 or 3, chillin til it happens, & we live our lives while we can before it's all gone. I've met Gabriel, he's a pretty awesome dude, curly blonde hair, walks with a staff & like his wings are too heavy for him lol. Just doing his thing being the messenger of God, however flawed like us all.

We just don't know. Maybe we'll never know, & even with our faith we still try to peice it all together like a puzzle til it fits, as humans do being naturally curious. My grandpa was a code breaker in the war, I kinda take after him that way. I'm very wise & I do like to decode in a way. We just gotta Believe, be ready for anything & to go home.

How did I start talking about my issuse & gifts, & it ends up becoming Biblical 😂 that always happens I get riled up & the holy spirit kinda just takes over lol. Yo just Believe aight. Trust me, I've experienced miracles myself, He keeps me afloat. Yes I may come off as crazy, but a lot of girls are technically lol

Mark 9:23

Must add we have free will & it shouldn't condemn us regardless of some choices, if God has a purpose for us let it be. Bible tho it's all truth, is outdated, they wrote it from during that time & how they could describe things from that period. Jesus took in misfits like us ✝️

He understands us completely. I don't like to say idolize either regarding celebs, it's adore or is a role model. Cuz of the outdatedness of the Bible I personally just like to focus on the stories of Jesus or Revelations, psalms & Proverbs is good too. He loves us so much ✝️

The start of this post I was crying so hard 😭 like I usually do due to severe depression. But now I'm as light as a feather, now I feel so much better ty God. My past has broken me quite a bit & even my family sucks so much that I pray for a new 1. My name partially means "high" & I wish I has bud rn lol.

Origionally this was on twitter however I realized that it doesn't belong there because it's too long. Made for a blog anyway I have a bad habit of typing too much. I was working on a book & like an idiot I lost all my things in Vegas including my flash drive with my life story on it, that's not finished yet. But I knew I still had it on my laptop at home. Vegas would make for some good chapters lol gotta get around to writing again.