#i have like two more things written for the science teams side of things so far augh

[bbeeohazardd]

Tommy rubbed his eyes as he once again went over the most recent video file he had transferred from the tapes to his laptop. It had been three years since Benrey had up and dropped everything to move away, and Tommy still wasn’t any closer to any clear answers.

The shooting of Marble Hornets had been a mess, especially near the end, but things weren’t adding up. Sure, if Benrey was being stalked by whoever that person was, then that’d account for his changes in behavior. But Benrey being stalked didn’t account for everyone else on the project seemingly dropping off the face of the earth.

None of it added up. Yes, Tommy could understand Gordon and Forzen just dropping off his radar, they were people with their own lives after all. But Dr. Harold Coomer, physics teacher and boxing coach at their college, just disappearing without a trace? There was more going on and Tommy knew it.

The lanky man let out an exhausted sigh, heaving himself up from his desk chair and walking over to the small kitchen of his shitty one-bedroom apartment to get a soda from the fridge.

The apartment was quiet and dark as usual, a constant from the slump the man had fallen into since he’d graduated. After losing two of his best friends in such a short amount of time, the world had become way too much for Tommy to handle and as soon as he had gotten his doctorate in biotechnology he’d resorted to locking himself in his apartment. His dad was still supportive of him, which was great, but he couldn’t help but feel guilty about it.

The tapes had been a godsend in that regard, something for him to do with himself that might finally lead to answers.

He knew he had to be getting close to something.

With a newfound determination, and the caffeine kicking in, Tommy marched back over to his desk and sat down, cracking his knuckles as he went over the video file once again.

Tommy had a mystery to figure out, and he was going to get to the bottom of it, sleep be damned.

[jacksgreysays]

Extremely late, completely unnecessary opinion of the Watcher situation, (2024-04-24)

So this is a relatively belated post — several days after the initial “Goodbye Youtube” and one day after the “An Update” videos — and surely by this point there are more interesting/insightful op-eds (both in written form and video form, especially penguinz0’s fairly objective POV as, essentially, a YouTube expert) but there is something about the Watcher situation that made my brain itch. Thus, I wanted to write about it in order to make sense of it all as well as get into a philosophy that seems to be haunting me in recent years and which I think applies greatly here.

This may seem completely out of left field considering 1) definitely not fanfiction and 2) about Watcher Entertainment, a YouTube channel which—as far as this tumblr is concerned—I’ve not engaged with whatsoever, but I don’t know where else I would put this, and weirdly enough I think the general tumblr response to this whole predicament is maybe the… if not objective… then at least, most thoughtful?—or, perhaps, least immediately reactive?—amongst the various social media platforms, that I think some people might appreciate this anyway.

In terms of my relevant background: I majored in Management Science (which is just a fancy way of saying Economics + Business + Accounting because they are, weirdly enough, separate things) and minored in Film Studies in school, I am currently working in the stage tech industry (which, I know, is obviously different from film/video industry), and I like to think I am a fan/consumer of a wide variety of independent creators, some of whom I am lucky enough to be able to afford being a patron/subscriber. I won’t go into all of them—because it is a lot—but there are four in particular whose business models I want to analyze in comparison to Watcher’s admitted blunder:

A) RocketJump (known for Video Game High School and Anime Crimes Division; the core group which turned into the podcast Story Break, then became Dungeons and Daddies) B) Dropout (formerly College Humor, we’ll get into their discography later) C) Drawfee (previously an offshoot of College Humor, now fully independent) D) Corridor Digital (used to be mostly behind the scenes of how VFX studios work, have since become a mostly original content creator)

I will say, right off the bat, I am a patron of Drawfee as well as Dungeons and Daddies, and I am a subscriber to Dropout. I am not subscribed to Corridor Digital’s streamer, which I will get into why later. I understand that being able to sustain those two patronages and one subscription is a luxury that not everyone can afford and so my point of view is already skewed by being such a person who could theoretically afford another streaming service if I so chose. I also acknowledge that many fans of Watcher are not in similarly financially secure places as I am and that regardless of the business model, any monetization that comes from fans would have been a rough ask. However, I wanted to go into this essay in a way that accepts Watcher’s statement—that they needed more funding—in relatively good faith rather than assuming the worst (although that is another point I’ll get into later, largely related to the philosophy I brought up earlier.)

All four of the above listed content creators started or, at least, hit their stride on YouTube:

RocketJump and College Humor were, if not household names, then the digital equivalent of it in the “early days of YouTube.” They were part of the wave of content creators that made YouTube seem less like a bunch of eccentrics with cameras making videos on the side and more like a viable way to support yourself/your team with the art you create.

RocketJump’s Video Game High School went from short (less than 10 minutes) minimal location episodes in season one, to 30 minute plus episodes with full on fight scenes and car explosions by season three thanks to a Monster Energy brand deal. They also had two seasons of Anime Crimes Division, a literal TV quality show, thanks to a Crunchy Roll sponsorship. Unfortunately, RocketJump shut down not long after (their videos are still up on YouTube but they obviously don’t add anything new) but the core creative team behind that have been involved in several projects outside of YouTube (Dimension 404 on Hulu being one of the biggest ones so far) including the podcast Story Break (part of the Maximum Fun network) and now the independent podcast Dungeons and Daddies, the episodes of the main campaigns which are free with ads or, for patrons, ad-less along with additional mini-campaigns and other benefits.

I will say, during RocketJump’s decline, they did try their best to keep going. The partnerships with Monster Energy and Crunchy Roll were the big swings to get the funding to make those TV quality shows they wanted. I believe they lucked out with those brands in particular, or, at least, those brands didn’t seem to inhibit the creative process or ask too much of them that it felt like “selling out” but I also don’t have insight into why they didn’t pursue this model of, essentially, very weird but interesting season long commercials. Maybe they just couldn't find the right brands or maybe they did feel like it was too stifling. Regardless, before they shut down completely, they did also downsize—moving out of the actual city of Los Angeles over to Buena Park. Which is in Los Angeles county, and basically counts as LA still, but is way cheaper than literal Hollywood real estate. (I should have added to my relevant background that I’m born and raised LA county, and have relatives and friends in the film/movie industry, so trust me when I say literal Hollywood/city of Los Angeles is so overrated and unnecessarily expensive. There is a reason why LA traffic is the worst and it’s because everyone is commuting INTO the city. Respectfully and with affection, no one should live there. No one’s start up should be located there.) Obviously the downsizing didn’t necessarily work for RocketJump, but they also didn’t have multiple successful revenue streams the way that Watcher currently does.

In contrast, College Humor was acquired by InterActiveCorp and was turned into CH Media which was three pronged: College Humor, Drawfee, and Dorkly. In 2018 they made Dropout, which had exclusive content separate from their YouTube videos which involved all three prongs. Then some financial shenanigans happened early 2020—IAC withdrew their funding—and there were a bunch of layoffs right before the pandemic which extremely sucked. It has been stated by multiple people involved that it was basically a miracle that Dropout survived through all of that, but there were definitely some sacrifices along the way to make that happen. Currently, Dropout seems to be thriving with mostly exclusive content with the occasional “first episode of a season” posted to YouTube, OR if Dimension 20 is doing a “sequel season” in an already established campaign they will put the entirety of the previous season on YouTube.

IAC withdrawing their funding did put CH Media in a bind. They had to layoff a lot of people right before pandemic and, understandably, a lot of trauma was had. There were also weird issues with who controlled certain IPs/brands/digital assets (I mostly come at this from a Drawfee POV, it took several years for them to own the Drawga series and be allowed to host all of the episodes on their YouTube, and there was also something about the sound file for their opening animation?) but mainly the difference is what kind of content they generate. Originally Dropout had multiple scripted shows with high budgets and pretty cool effects/animations/stunts (Troopers, Kingpin Katie, Gods of Food, Ultramechatron Team Go!, Cartoon Hell, and WTF 101) whereas now almost all of their shows are variations of improv comedians being put into different scenarios or given different prompts. I’m not just talking about Game Changer and Make Some Noise, because Dimension 20 and Um, Actually also technically fall under that description as well. Which is not to say that these shows are worse than the scripted shows—I subscribe to Dropout, so clearly I’m a fan of their current shows—and the budgets for them have since increased to resemble, if not match, those early shows, but it is a noticeable shift in their content creation strategy as a response to the lack of IAC funding. And I will say: Dropout releases at least three videos a week if not more and at least two of those are long form at 30 minutes plus (Dimension 20 being the longest, of course.)

So, these first two business models are not really the most applicable to Watcher Entertainment considering their origin was to get away from Buzzfeed—they’re probably not keen to be partnered with or purchased by a larger company—but there are some aspects to both that I believe are valuable in at least showing the strategy in how these former YouTube creators could successfully extract themselves from YouTube or how they still utilize YouTube even if it is not their main hosting platform or revenue stream.

Then there is Drawfee and Corridor Digital, both of whom are currently—if not primarily—on YouTube, whose situations are more comparable to what I believe are Watcher’s goals.

Drawfee had to rebuild themselves like a phoenix from the ashes of the CH Media layoff during the beginning/worst of the pandemic. Side note: I’m happy that Nathan (one of the four main artists of the current Drawfee team) at least has forgiven(? or let bygones be bygones) Dropout enough to be on an episode of Game Changer (although I will say that this happened after Drawga was “returned” to Drawfee, and after Dropout officially split from College Humor as a brand.) All that being said, Drawfee was a team of four artists plus their editor who wanted to stick together but basically had all of their support system taken away from them. They took a bit of a break to assess their goals and options, announced a patreon with several tiers with great perks, and stuck to their upload schedule. In addition to two videos a week, they also stream on Twitch weekly, have a patron only stream once a month, and a draw class (for one of the higher tiers) once month. After asking their patrons on the relevant tiers if they were okay with it, they began releasing the patron only stream and the draw class to the general public for free after a month. The patreon perks also include things like merch discount codes, high quality PNGs of the final rendered art, access to the draw class with live interaction/critique, and a commission from the artist of your choice. The only “ads” they run are for their own patreon and merch store and, even then, they’re usually at the end of the videos with a credit scroll of the patron names during their exit banter.

Admittedly, they only have MAYBE eight employees—that’s including their video editor(s?) and their discord mod(s?)—with the main four artists doubling/tripling up duties as additional video editors, CFO, and marketing/merch leads. It’s a very streamlined crew and their production costs are not very high since it’s mostly screen recording of their drawings with their audio recording overlayed onto that footage. Although the video editors do sometimes have clever cuts to relevant images depending on their vamping. Sometimes they will have a guest artist but, again, since it’s screen and audio recordings, there’s no travel/housing costs. So, very minimal expenses due to low production costs and small crew but, again, their only revenue source is the patreon/merch, they don’t do outside ads and they very rarely do live shows.

Corridor Digital is, I think, the most applicable to what Watcher would ideally do, which I suppose is somewhat ironic for this essay in particular considering they’re the only one of the four that I don’t financially support. They have two YouTube channels: their main one being where they show the “final product” videos, but I believe their Corridor Crew channel which started primarily as behind the scenes type of videos is where most of their views come from. Especially their React series (VFX artists, Stuntmen, and Animators React etc.) On Corridor Crew they usually upload two videos a week — one which is a React and the other which goes into fun projects/challenges (involving VFX or not) or using VFX to explain scientific concepts — as well as the first episodes of their exclusive content on their streamer. Also behind that paywall are longer and ad-less versions of the videos on YouTube. They also have merch. All of them have merch, I don’t know why I’m stating that. They don’t have a patreon as far as I know, but I also don’t know if their subscription to their website comes with similar perks like discounted merch or something similar.

Anyway, their studio seems to be about 15 to 20 people — not all of them are VFX artists, of course. I believe they have higher equipment costs than Watcher since, understandably, Corridor has to be on the cutting edge of video editing technology. They do occasionally travel for shoots, but it doesn’t require big teams, and that’s only when the local locations available to them don’t match the requirements for the “final product” videos. Otherwise most of their videos are set in the studio or in the alleyway outside their studio in Los Angeles (the city itself, not just the greater county, though they are in a rougher and thus probably cheaper part of Los Angeles). I personally don’t subscribe to their website primarily because their exclusive shows don’t appeal to me—either they’re too technical or a little too dry; to be fair, most of them are VFX artists first before they are performers—and I don’t particularly feel the need to see the extended cuts of the videos uploaded on YouTube. Also I sometimes get a little bummed out by their lack of diversity.

All of this to say, from these four different business models, a bespoke Frankenstein business model for Watcher could be cobbled together. But also, even with that bespoke Frankenstein, there are some changes that Watcher would have to make: primarily their upload schedule. As of right now, I think they do MAYBE one video a week if not, perhaps, one video every TWO weeks. If they want a monthly subscription model, their rate of content generation would ideally be higher to double/quadruple their current upload rate. Obviously they want to create videos with higher production value, but at that rate of generation, something’s got to give: supplement their TV quality shows with either a behind the scenes type series or an increase of “we get four episodes out of Shane and Ryan get increasingly drunk in someone’s backyard” or something similar. Leaning into shows like Worth A Shot (the first season in which Ricky Wang makes cocktails based on a random ingredient, the second season threw in some competitive aspects which I didn’t really find necessary) or the Beatdown which has relatively low production costs (no travel, one location, maybe two cameras at most therefore smaller crew requirements) but a higher polished look. Otherwise, for a separate streaming subscription service, 2-4 videos a month is not going to cut it.

As of right now they probably can’t back out of the separate streaming subscription service because those set ups usually require some level of contract/paying for servers for the website and whatever is hosting their videos for a set amount of time. However, what really strikes me is that I literally didn’t know they had a patreon until I scrolled through the comments of the first Goodbye Youtube video. Maybe it’s been linked "tactfully" in the descriptions of videos, but considering they claim to be lacking in funds, the fact that they weren’t plugging their patreon at the end of every video is not just strange, but also irresponsible considering they do have 25 employees that they don’t want to layoff.

Additionally, I understand artists needing to be in a space that promotes creativity, but there are cheaper places that must be comparable that aren’t in literal Hollywood. It’s an unnecessary expense. On top of that, other people have already brought up that it was fairly crass to introduce this paywall, attributing it to the increased production costs, when the next planned “new series” is a reboot of an old Buzzfeed series in which people travel and eat expensive food. I’m not even talking about the personal expenses of Steven, Shane, and Ryan; what kind of car they drive or the cost of their wedding venue doesn’t matter on a business model basis.

But getting back to the patreon: again, I literally didn’t know they had one. I’m looking over their tiers— they have $5, $10, $25, and $100 — and for the most part they seem okay, although I think they have more to offer that wouldn’t necessarily cost them more. Ie, something that has baffled me for a while: the fact they don’t sell the mp3s of the Puppet History songs; they already exist and it doesn’t cost them anything additional because they don’t need to put it on physical media. Or maybe they do and they’re not marketing it similarly to how they weren’t overtly marketing their patreon?

And, okay, maybe they didn’t want to seem desperate — in the early days of Dropout and independent Drawfee, they both were very blatant in getting people to subscribe/join their patreon. As they should be. Desperation maybe doesn’t look cool and sexy, but it is earnest in a way that conveys equal effort that fans who can afford it would want to see. The fact that we weren’t getting rotating ten second clips of Steven, Shane, and Ryan asking people to join the patreon at the end of every video — even if its the same clip every three videos — is wild. And yes, the $25 tier includes a shoutout every 3 months on Watcher Weekly+ (which I don't quite understand what that is,) but the fact that they weren’t doing a quick post movie credits scroll of all the patreon names is, again, wild. Once you have that initial list, it’s not too difficult to add any new names that join and put that title overlay on top of, again, those nonexistent ten second clips of the three.

As others have already stated, it seems like an extreme mismanagement of their existing successful revenue streams, if they are actually struggling to pay all of their employees. Which goes into the philosophy part of this essay: don’t assume malice when it might just be incompetence. It’s something that I have to remind myself of often because I do get paranoid about people’s intentions sometimes and I have to check myself. Am I being overly suspicious of what might be just an honest mistake? Am I assigning ill will to an action just because it inconvenienced me?

Yes, of course, a lot of this situation could be misconstrued as straight up greed. But, also, Watcher is a relatively young company, helmed by three people who certainly don’t have experience running their own company:

They like to travel. They like to bring a full crew around with them. They’re renting out a shiny office in the heart of Hollywood where everyone knows is where real show biz happens. They’re adding more employees to the team because surely more people means better. And they want better productions values because the prettier the videos the more people will like them right?

It’s naive. It’s a level of inexperience combined with giving responsibility to officers whose main priority is to entertain. And if that means entertaining themselves and their staff, then they might not know the difference. It’s the kind of mistake that first time managers make—trying to prioritize fun over getting the job done. Prioritizing making friends with their employees rather than making sure the work the employees put in is equal to (or greater than) what you spend on them whether that is in paycheck or bringing them to cool locations for fun shoots. It’s a mistake anyone can make, it's just unfortunate that they made this mistake in front of millions of people. It doesn’t necessarily mean it’s solely a greed induced cash grab.

But then comes the catch-22 of the philosophy—is it worse to assume incompetence than it is to assume malice? Or, in this case, greed. Especially for the heads of a company that holds the livelihoods of 25 employees in their hands. At what point does it not matter if it’s incompetence or greed if the end result is the same?

Is it better to think that Watcher knew about the various other business models of independent creators and just ignored the efforts put into achieving those successes or is it better to think that they didn’t know and just stumbled into one of the worst moves they could have done. Again, other people have mentioned that Great Mythical Morning—which Watcher has had multiple collaborations with—has managed to make the YouTube subscription/tier system work to the point that they can sustain themselves as well as spinoff channels. Is it incompetence or greed that led to Watcher thinking they could bypass that completely in less time and with less content?

I’ve been at this mess of an essay for several hours when I should have been asleep. Ultimately I want to say, regardless of incompetence or greed… yes, Steven is CEO and yes he is ultimately the one who makes the final call but it is disheartening to see the pointed vitriol at Steven specifically and the infantilizing of Shane and Ryan in comparison. Either they’re all silly uwu boys who are messing around not knowing how to run a company, or they’re all complicit in a crass cash grab in an extremely busted economy.

I think what’s most frustrating to me in all this is that there were so many other channels and creators who have literally walked this path before them and, again, whether through incompetence or greed or arrogance, for them to just ignore it… It’s not betrayal because I don’t know them and so there’s no relationship to betray, it’s just so inefficient and convoluted that I don’t understand. Or, no, even if it was greed, it’s an incompetent greed because at least pure greed would have been pushing that patreon every second they could. Their ratio of YouTube subscribers to patreon members is less than 1% and I bet that’s because a lot of their audience, like me, literally didn’t know they had a patreon. I probably would have become a patreon member of theirs had I known earlier, ESPECIALLY if it included access to those Puppet History songs. Drawfee has half as many YouTube subscribers and nearly double the patreon members as Watcher. I’m just baffled, is all, and maybe by this point sleep deprived.

Anyway. That’s my extremely late, completely unnecessary opinion of this situation.

Edit (several hours later after some sleep): I forgot to mention, because they did walk this back almost immediately, even before their "An Update" video, but I believe the original plan was to put EVERYTHING behind that paywall and pull their content from YouTube entirely. Which is, again, extremely baffling, because if ALL of their content is behind a paywall, how would they possibly gain new fans? Even if all of their current fans were able and willing to pay for their separate subscription streaming service, how would a brand new person even stumble on their content enough to want to subscribe if there wasn't a significant amount of "proof of value" free content on YouTube? Again, extremely baffling, and a level of incompetence that overshadows a "cunning" greed. But, like I said earlier, they did walk this decision back almost immediately. If I've misunderstood this and that was never their plan, please let me know, I don't want to be spreading misinformation in a situation that is already so convoluted.

[a-fluffer-nutter]

Not the First, Nor the Last

A/N - Hi, it's been a minute. I've been writing this fic for days and it was entirely unprompted. This is the best thing I have written in a while, because I was actually loving everything about it. Writing this felt easy and smooth, just like it did in 2016, when I first started writing. I would like to thank @morgsticklee for allowing me to bounce some ideas off of. So everyone, I hope you enjoy Fallout fluff, because that's where my brain is stuck. Please enjoy!

Word Count: 4,540

Legs kicking distractedly, you stared out at the small city before you. Sure, it was big to everyone else in the Commonwealth, but compared to your past life, this city nestled into a baseball stadium was pretty tiny. At least everyone in the city seemed happy today, or as happy as anyone could be in this apocalyptic wasteland. Frankly, compared to the Boston you remembered from the 2070’s, everyone here was having a grand old time.

The palms of your hands pressed flat against the metal beneath you as you tilted your head back, eyes closed to the sun that bore down pleasantly on your skin. The day was starting out as a rather sunny one, a nice change compared to the rather sour weather that the Commonwealth had just recently had a bout of. The thunderous green skies always repulsed you, though sometimes made you laugh, remembering how your science teacher in high school would always talk about the skies being permanently green after the Nuclear Holocaust. Well Mr. Hedeen, you were almost right. 

You heard his footsteps approaching as you sat there, stuck in a melancholic trance. This wasn’t the first time he has found you here, and it was likely not going to be the last either. He didn’t quite understand why sitting on the roof of the former house of the man that killed your spouse was comforting, but he never once questioned you. He may have even shifted some boxes around for you to climb up to the roof easier, though neither of you have ever acknowledged this in the other’s presence. You didn’t open your eyes even after hearing him scramble up the boxes and his shoes clattering on the metallic roof.

Sitting beside you, the backs of his shoes gently rapt against the side wall of the house. You could feel his yellow eyes staring, but at that moment you didn’t mind too much. Most people would lose their minds if a synth even dared to look at them, but this was a very normal exchange between the two of you. It was almost as if he was looking through you to read your mind. 

“I was planning on taking Shaun here when he was older. My old man lived for baseball. The Sox were his team til the day he died,” you smiled, “Buried him in his old Clemen’s jersey too. The happiest day of his life was when he was able to see a holographic game right here in this field. Just a simulation of what it would have been like if all the best players had all played at the same time. I was bored to death, but it sure as hell made him happy.”

“I was more of a Yankee’s fan myself,” Nick Valentine let out a light sigh, then flinched away when you suddenly let out a loud “hah!”

“Dad would’ve kicked your ass, Nick. Anyone living in Boston while being a Yankee’s fan deserved to rot in hell in his mind,” you finally opened your eyes and looked at your companion, a sideways smile spread across your face.

“My work here is done,” Nick beamed, tilting your head slightly up by gently lifting your chin with his thumb. Brows furrowed, you pulled back.

“And what would that be?” You crossed your arms, eyes muddled with hesitancy and confusion. 

“I made you smile,” Nick replied, shuffling his body backward to get up. A redness spread across your face as you looked down, mind beginning to static like a synth on the fritz. 

You reached your hand out to grab his arm, keeping him beside you. Giving him a gentle smile with a side of a slight head tilt, you let out a tired sigh.

“You were the first person to ever care about me since I uh…thawed out,” your voice was quiet, but by squeezing Nick’s arm, he could tell you were alright. “Hell, you’re still one of the only people that cares about me, for me. Most people only care that I’m around so I can do odd jobs and keep the peace. I feel like a glorified police officer in a land with no laws. Heh. No one really cares about the person behind the gun.”

“They sure are missing out on something wonderful then,” Nick beamed as your blush returned, accompanied by a silly, lopsided grin. “Oh, there it is again.”

“Shut up,” you laughed as you tried to hide your face in your opposite shoulder, pushing Nick’s hand away as he reached for your chin again. 

“You blush when you laugh,” Nick teased, using both arms to try to turn your face toward his. “It's very charming.”

“Nick!” you whined as you scrambled away from the edge of the roof. Nick may not be severely injured if he fell fifty feet or so, but it wouldn't do much good to your normal human body. 

“What?” He teased as he stood up, beginning to follow you. 

Hopping down the crates, you reached your hand into your pocket for the house key you always had on your person. There was something cathartic about it all, having endless access to the home of the man you hunted for days because he took everything from you. But now, for some reason, being in the last place that Shaun was, well Synth Shaun, before going to the Institute forever, was comforting. Knowing that the man who murdered your spouse was a surprisingly good father to your son was…well, it was indescribable. 

As you stepped into the empty house, you could swear you could feel Shaun’s presence. Obviously not the real Shaun, but the wonderment of what could have been.

“What're you hiding for?” Turning around, you wore a goofy grin as Nick stepped into the house. This also wasn't his first time in here with you since the fall of the Institute, but he knew grief was a funny thing, so he never once thought to say a thing. 

The nervous giggles began to bubble up in your throat, so you clasped one hand against your mouth to hide as much of your smile that you could. Rolling his eyes, Nick slowly approached you. Your other hand went out, trying to keep your distance from your friend. 

“Now, treating me like a rabid yao guai isn’t very nice,” Nick let out a low chuckle as he kept encroaching into your space. It didn’t take him long to corner you, your back thumping into the wall. “Now what are you going to do?”

After assessing all of your options, which, in hindsight, weren’t many, you darted to your right. Slipping past the dusty TV, you thought you had made enough distance between yourself and Nick in order to do a three-sixty toward the stairs, but your quick calculation was a bit off. Before you could turn around, two strong arms wrapped themselves around your waist and pulled you into their embrace. 

“No,” you whined into your palm, still desperate to conceal the wide grin you had no way of wiping from your face. You shut your eyes as tightly as you could, when Nick lifted you a few inches off the ground and began to walk you toward the musty couch. No doubt Shaun had spent countless nights reading on this couch. You and your spouse had both been the bookworm types.

“Come on Y/N, show me that smile,” Nick cooed into your ear before plopping you onto the couch. Dust motes swirled around the two of you as Nick followed your body, finding his way to rest on your thighs as he grabbed both of your wrists into his regular hand and held them above your head. His yellow eyes scanned your face curiously as you blushed before burying your face into your shoulder. “Oh no you don’t.” 

As gently as he could, he used his other, mechanically exposed hand to scratch along the side of your newly exposed neck. Your instant string of quiet giggles only fueled his interest in seeing your smile. 

This was the first time he had ever dared to tickle you. He never found a time that it felt appropriate. Sure, the two of you were rather physically affectionate, leaning into one another while trying to relax or grabbing one another's shoulder in affirmation or even the occasional cuddle while you slept, with Nick doing his best to keep you warm at night, but this was something different. He had never asked if this was something you liked, as not all humans were really into the whole being tickled thing, especially with the whole Nuclear Holocaust thing having happened and the world being a generally shitty place to live in, but some people didn’t mind this too much. 

For instance, Nick had learned that Ellie didn’t mind it too much, having made the note about it when he had accidentally grabbed her arm a bit too high up, near her under arm, and she had let out the happiest of laughs. After asking her about it, she had admitted to being fine with it and not minding if Nick would do it again when she was feeling down. However, Ellie wasn’t you. You two were completely different people and Nick knew this. 

Nick had learned that you were ticklish fairly early on in your friendship. This was thanks to Dogmeat. Before heading to Goodneighbor to use the Memory Den, Nick had brought you back to his agency to rest. Your eyes drooped and your legs barely functioned, so while you would normally protest the notion of taking a rest, you were happy to take the opportunity to get some well deserved sleep. Usually, you hated sleeping for more than a few hours, with your son’s life at stake and all, but this time you welcomed it. 

The sun rose nine hours later and Nick had heard a panicked scream from upstairs in his room. He had heard Kellogg’s name and what had sounded like your spouse’s when he darted upstairs, taking two at a time. This wasn’t the first time he had heard your screams, the nightmares shaking you to your core almost every time you closed your eyes, but thankfully, Dogmeat had beaten him to providing you comfort. 

Letting out an unnecessary sigh, Nick leaned against the doorframe when he saw Dogmeat in your lap, licking the tears from your cheeks. Relieved that he didn’t need to do anything, he was about to go back downstairs when the sound of your soft laughter piqued his interest. 

“It tickles,” you let out quietly, having noticed Nick staring. If synths of his generation could blush, his face would have been on fire as he hurriedly left.

This all had happened quite some time ago now, a brief memory that you didn’t much remember, but one that Nick had stored away for safekeeping. Now, as he sat on your legs and moved his hand down to trace along your ribs, he was thankful for having compartmentalized it. 

“Nick,” you managed to let out as your giggles had gone up a notch thanks to him now targeting random spots on your torso. Nick slowed down his pace, expecting you to tell him to stop, but you did no such thing. You simply laughed, lightly tugging at your arms. After a minute of no clear indication that you were in pain or absolutely hating it, Nick upped the pace. 

“Now how did I get so lucky to have a friend with such a sweet laugh?” Nick teased, finding the courage to push you a bit further. Your laughter grew a bit louder, a blush painting your cheeks as you shut your eyes as tightly as possible. Nick’s eyes followed every wrinkle around your eyes and the way your lips pressed into your cheeks, accompanied by the slightest of dimples. How your smile wasn’t what you had considered to be “perfect,” but how it was uniquely you; a little crooked and playful. He recorded your laugh, absolutely adoring how you would switch between a squeakier laugh to a full on belly laugh the closer he got to your underarms or hips, wanting to keep this recording to play for himself while you rested and he needed a reminder that there was still good in the world, something to still fight for. 

“Nick,” you repeated, your voice a bit more desperate now. Sensing this, Nick pulled both of his arms back and just stared at your face, watching as you quickly recovered, becoming the more composed person he knew. 

“Are you okay? Did I go too far?” Nick asked, his eyes flashing as he analyzed your vitals. 

“You’re okay Nick,” you breathed, reaching out to cup his face with your dominant hand. “I’m fine. Promise.”

“Your oxygen reads normal and your heart rate is going down steadily,” Nick rambled on as you rolled your eyes. 

“Nick, please,” your eyes were soft as you gently moved his face so he could get a better look at your expression. Your face was calm, at peace. You wore a gentle smile as Nick returned eye contact. “I had fun.”

“Really?” The synth’s head tilted to the side just a bit, a section of his wiring becoming slightly more exposed. Nick may be one of the smartest people you know, but he was still a bit of an idiot when it came to emotions, specifically yours. 

“Yes, really. Thank you.”

“I didn’t go too far?”

“Not at all, Nick. Though, it is a bit unfair,” you let out a soft chuckle. “It’s not like I can reciprocate the favor.”

“What do you mean?” Nick’s brain wracked for reasoning behind your words. This is definitely not how this interaction was meant to go, though it’s not like he had really planned to get this far today. 

“God, you’re an idiot,” you laughed as you sat up. Nick shifted backwards off of your legs, allowing you to pull them close to your torso as he sat on the other side of the couch. “Tickling, Nick. I can’t really tickle you, now can I?”

“Yes you can,” Nick said quickly, though did not truly sense the levity in his statement. 

“I can do what?” Your brows quirked up as you leaned forward, shifting so you were now standing on your hands and knees like a small animal. Crawling closer to him, you settled into your new spot right next to him, nearly pinning him to the arm of the couch. 

“DiMA he, well…when you left me alone to catch up with DiMA that one time,” you remembered this moment fondly. After convincing Nick to reconcile with DiMA, you had left the two of them alone for quite a bit of time. Having retrieved DiMA’s memories and saving Acadia and creating a more peaceful region, you found it necessary to return to the Commonwealth, and in turn, Nick decided to return a bit later, wanting to learn more about himself and the before. “He was able to share his memories with me, like I was able to do with you at the Memory Den with…well, you know. DiMA showed me so much about myself that I didn’t even know, not just the original Nick Valentine I share memories with, but the me. This,” Nick waved both of his hands, gesturing to himself. “He showed me everything that he had done, not just as my brother…that feels weird to say…but what he had done to me mechanically.”

“Okay?” You had known that DiMA had given these memories back to Nick, but you never once asked for any details about their little “visit.” It was Nick’s business and his alone. If he had granted you the nicety of not asking you any questions about what was going on in your head, then you would grant him the same. 

“He’s the reason why I have pain receptors and the ability to feel touch,” Nick held out his flesh hand, and you took it into yours. As you stroked your thumb along his palm, you could feel the nerves of his skin twitching. You had always wondered how that all worked. “Well, he wasn’t able to really fine tune it before he and I…seperated. After showing me all the work that he had done, he asked if he could fix all the bugs and really make the nerves work like a human’s, like how the current synth’s nerves do.”

“So, you let him,” you stated instead of asking. Nick simply nodded before continuing.

“I did. It didn’t take too long, as it had been something that he had been working on himself more since founding Acadia. Since then, my body feels different. It feels almost as it did from before, well I mean what the other Nick Valentine’s body had felt. I can feel everything so much better. I can feel the wind,” Nick lost focus for a second, lost in thought. You continued to trace up and down his fingers as he sat in silence. Suddenly, he clamped his hand around yours. “I can feel that. I could before, but it feels different. It feels…nice. Before, I could just feel the touch as pressure. Now, there’s sensation and feeling attached to it.”

 “Are you trying to tell me that DiMA made you ticklish?” You hummed, leading your best friend back to his initial point. 

“Oh? Oh, yes,” Nick's eyes almost seemed to glow brighter. “We didn’t get to test it very much, but DiMA had mentioned that being ticklish could now be a new “side effect” of the heightened nerves. I didn’t really think about it much, but I had him tickle my ribs to see if anything had changed, since that was where the other Nick had been ticklish, and it seemed like I was.”

“Seemed?”

“Well, he just kind of poked me and it felt weird. He didn’t really continue, though he wanted to show me how sensitive he had made himself.”

“That’s kinda cute, Nick,” you let out a short laugh. “Do uh, do you want to see how ticklish you are? Only if you want, of course.” 

Nick hummed, eyes looking to one side as he thought. You weren’t really the type of person to do this sort of thing, but with Nick, it was different. Around Nick, you felt the most like you did before the bombs dropped. 

“If you really don’t mind,” he said, while gesturing for you to move. Standing up from the couch, you watched as Nick shrugged off his coat and folded it nicely into a pillow to place behind his head. Once he was done, he stretched out with his fingers interlaced behind his head. 

“Where would you want me to begin?” You asked, making yourself comfortable as you sat down on his thighs, just as he had done to you only a few minutes prior. 

“If my memory serves me right, Nick had been ticklish on his ribs and stomach area, so I guess try those.”

Nodding, you scanned his face before you began, searching for any sign of hesitancy. Instead, he seemed a bit eager. Giving yourself the mental “okay,” you reached down and placed your hands on his ribs. You could feel his body tense just a bit as your palms just rested on his chest, which definitely piqued your curiosity. Looking up at Nick one last time, he gave you a nod of affirmation, so you began. 

Neither of you were expecting the sound Nick had made once you dug in, clawing against his middle ribs. It was a hybridized yelp with a spoonful of deep, booming laughter. Intrigued and excited by this discovery, you continued to scratch your nails into the fabric of his shirt, moving your hands up and down his ribs. Despite the deep bout of laughter, Nick was staying pretty still. He had shifted his hands a bit so he was now holding his hat with his metal hand, keeping it in place as his head was thrown back. Smile wide, his eyes were instinctively closed. You figured it was just a memorized reflex, and frankly, it was adorable. 

“I’m going to have to thank DiMA the next time I see him,” you let out a soft laugh, your voice quiet so Nick could hear, but not too well. “You mentioned your belly was a good spot too?” Your hands slipped down his torso and your fingers began to skitter across his upper abdomen. Nick’s laughter went up an octave as your nails scratched the thin, white fabric just beneath his rib cage. “Ah, I see you were remembering correctly.”

“Y/N!” Nick yelped through his hysterical laughter.

“Yes, Nicky?” You never used this pet name for him, though in the moment, it felt appropriate. 

“I can’t breathe!”

“Oh, shit,” you withdrew your hands quickly, folding them across your lower chest as you scanned his face for signs of distress. But then, as his arms quickly reached out to goose your sides, it hit you. “You motherfucker.”

“I just wanted to try it once,” Nick laughed as you let out a squeak, wiggling around as he pinched the spots just above your hips. 

“Asshole,” you managed to say as loud giggles poured from your lips.

Before you lost full composure, you reached back down and untucked Nick’s shirt, slipping your hands underneath and teased the flash just beneath his navel. You thanked whatever shitty god that was out there that Nick’s chest and abdominal plates were still relatively intact as the sound Nick had just made was quite possibly the greatest sound you have ever bore witness to. 

“Now how did I get so lucky to have a friend with such a sweet laugh?” You mimicked him from earlier, though the action of saying it made you blush, your mind hyperfixating on those words, repeating them over and over until you figured you would explode. Thankfully, it seemed that Nick was going to beat you to that, as he had now begun to thrash. Luckily for you, it was mostly his upper body that was squirming around like a worm on a hook, so you didn’t have to be too concerned about being bucked off into the next town over. You figured Hancock wouldn’t mind the quick visit, but having to explain to him that there is now a hole in his wall because Nick had flung you miles across the Commonwealth because of a little tickle fight sounded a bit insane, even if he was high as all hell. 

“Teasing makes it worse,” Nick squeaked out, reaching an arm out to push your face away, though there was absolutely no force behind it. 

“You say that as if I didn’t have to suffer first,” sticking your tongue out, your fingers scribbling faster until anything Nick attempted to say was incomprehensible. 

Keeping this up, you continued to tickle him, hands exploring his body in a way you never had before. Not that you had ever wanted to, you’d seen wires and metallic skeletons before and even if Nick had allowed it before, you were afraid your intrusive thoughts and fears surrounding Synth Shaun would taint the moment. But now, those thoughts were locked away in a faraway vault. 

“Wait,” your fingers slowed as you had accidentally slipped into one of the gaps between his abdominal plate and his hip plate. It had only been for a second or two, but as you brushed against the wires connecting his metallic skeleton and his general systems, you felt him flinch and let out a bout of distinct giggles that you had never heard before. “Are your wires ticklish?”

“I guess they are,” Nick said as flatly as he could, shrugging his shoulders as if this wasn’t the best news you had ever heard. 

“Oh, I’m going to have so much fun with that,” you beamed, shifting your weight so you could lean forward and dance your fingertips against the exposed wires along the side of his neck and under his chin. 

His giggles were low, almost sickeningly sweet, like eating too many boxes of Dandy Boy Apples. The fact that you didn’t have a spare holotape to slip into your Pip-Boy to record this melody you were listening to was a shame, but knowing that you’d be able to recreate this song whenever you felt like it, made your heart flutter. If Nick was still analyzing your vitals, he would be confused as to why your heart was beating a thousand beats per minute. This almost boyish laugh was pure, unadulterated joy. Joy was what you were sure about, as you felt him leaning into your touch, the wires he tried to conceal were now at your mercy and he allowed, no, wanted it. 

Unfortunately, all things must come to an end, or at least that’s what they always say. It was you that had to be the one to stop it all, you knew that well. That and it was physically impossible for Nick to become too exhausted or not be able to breathe. It was your hands that began to ache, the pads of your fingers growing numb. The joints were stiff as you withdrew your hands, popping each knuckle to have the sense of temporary release and relief. 

“You’re done already?” Nick joked as he caught you staring at him, staring through him in a moment of disassociation. Reaching out with his metal hand, he cupped your cheek and smiled when you leaned into the touch, blinking your eyes to focus on the present. Nick had a tendency to use his metal hand when he touched your skin, secretly afraid that the skin-on-skin contact with his other hand could trigger unwanted emotions, especially with something as intimate as touching your face. “You okay?”

Silently, you nodded before scooching back enough for Nick to release his legs and reposition himself into a sitting position. Instead of mirroring him, you scooted back over to him and pressed your body against his, your temple resting against his shoulder. You grabbed his left hand, the “regular” one, and intertwined your fingers with his, resting your hands on his lap. Tipping his hat down over his eyes, he reached his other arm behind your body and rested the metallic hand on your shoulder, pulling you in, the two of you being so close that you were practically one being. 

“I had fun today,” your voice was near silent, though it made Nick smile. “Thank you.”

“So did I,” he squeezed your hand in a secondary assurance. 

“I can’t wait to tell Piper that you’re so ticklish,” eyes glittering with mischief, you glanced up at him with that same, goofy grin that he loves so much. “Now that will sell hundreds of copies of her paper.”

“That’s for damn sure,” Nick let out a soft chuckle. “Especially when she interviews me and I tell her all about how bad your hips are.”

“It’ll be the talk of the town,” you mused, then let out a long, exhausted sigh. Nick squeezed your shoulder as soon as you shut your eyes. This wasn’t the first time you allowed him to watch over you as you slept, nor would it be the last.

[be-co-me]

Trigonometry Trouble

Bokuto Koutarou

A/N: There's some confusing math involved, but I hope I explained it well!

2.2k Words

Summary: The out of your league volleyball captain needs your help with math, and in exchange, teaches you a thing or two in return.

...

You tended to stick to yourself in classes, only talking to others when it was necessary for a group project or whatever you had to do. So it came as a surprise when the hotshot of the volleyball team wanted to talk to you. You didn't dislike him, in fact, he seemed like a very happy-go-lucky person that didn't have a problem with the world. Except for trigonometry that is...

"Hey, smarty." you heard, not thinking you were being talked to.

"Smarty. Hey." he repeated. You felt a nudge on your shoulder with what felt like the eraser of a pencil coming from the left of you. You looked up and met eyes with him.

"You understand this stuff right? I'm so bad at math." he confessed, brushing his hand through his hair and laughing nervously. You kinda felt bad for the guy. In order to stay in sports, your grades had to be immaculate. You couldn't really afford to get a bad grade in any class.

"Yeah. Trigonometry is honestly my best subject in math. Why? Are you having trouble understanding?" you asked, leaning over to peer at his paper. Not one answer or equation was written out, but only remnants of the messed-up equations were faded into the paper.

It was practically a free period where you could finish your homework in class, so you decided you would help him with his paper as you were almost done anyways. You scooted your desk closer to his so it was easier to see what he was doing.

"Okay. Let me draw a model for you. It might make it easier to visualize what's happening." you said, drawing a triangle on the corner of his paper and labeling the different sides and angles.

"So the way I learned it the easiest was in forensic science. Like crime scene stuff you know?" you asked him. He nodded in response.

"What part of it?" he asked.

"The blood part. Blood spatter analysis. It's essentially taking the angles of each drop of blood and seeing where they meet together to find the point of impact. So let's say a person gets shot right here," you said, pointing to a corner of the room, his sight following yours. "There would be spatters of blood right?" you asked. He nodded once again.

"So you have to measure all of those to see where the victim and where the perpetrator was when the victim was shot, which can uncover quite a lot about a crime scene, but that's not the point. We're just pretending to measure the spatters." you said.

He paid attention closely as you explained how to measure blood spatter using a right triangle and trigonometry. He seemed to be understanding okay. You then took the first problem on the paper and drew it out as if it was a blood spatter. 

"Okay, so the way I would explain this since we are finding the height, your angle is 60º, right? And the drop was found 14 feet away from the source. Find the height that the blood drop fell from. Remember the height is the opposite, and the feet is the adjacent, so the tangent of 60º equals the opposite over 14 feet." you said. He nodded, slowly but surely, getting to work.

After a couple of minutes, he looked up, excited he possibly even came to a conclusion on the answer. You viewed his answer and your eyes widened slightly at seeing it was correct. You truly didn't think that explaining it in the way you did would make it any easier on him but it did.

"Sooooo... Break the news. Did I get it right?" he asked. You looked back up at him and he nervously awaited your answer. You analyzed the work he did one more time and nodded.

"Yeah! Great job! Now just take the rest of the problems and put them into the equation like that. Makes it a lot easier to find. You must be a visual learner." you said, turning to finish the last problem on your own paper.

"Yes! I wish more people could understand that." he said. You continued on with class, pulling out a book to read on while the time passed. Once the bell rang, signaling your school day was over with, you gathered your belongings preparing to leave.

"Hey, smartie pants." you heard Bokuto say. You looked up at him, curious as to what he needed. "Do you have any plans right now?" he asked. You shook your head. You had already finished your homework for your classes and just planned to watch TV the rest of the evening.

"Nope. Nothing that comes to mind." you replied, shrugging your shoulders.

"Well, it's my off day from practice and... if you don't care to, I really need some more help with homework. Would you care to tutor me for a little bit?" he asked. Your heart fluttered with excitement. Out of all the people he could ask, he asked you. Maybe the rest of his volleyball friends sucked at math too and couldn't help... Or you could help them too...

"Yeah! I don't mind. But in exchange for tutoring you, I would like to learn a little bit about playing volleyball. All I do after classes is sit in my dorm and watch TV so I've been wanting to join a club, especially since I used to play sports I thought it would be nice to do something different." you said. 

"Sounds like a plan! Now how's the cafeteria sound? We could get some coffee and hopefully, I won't fail this exam." he responded.

"You won't fail if I'm the one teaching you and you work hard." you said. You made your way to the cafeteria and ordered some coffees. He was nice enough to pay for yours as well. It kind of made you feel bad. People didn't buy things for you and you were used to paying for your own things, but he insisted.

For the next few hours, you taught him about not only trigonometry, but some of the other subjects he said he was having trouble in. The sun had already set. This was probably the most fun you had in a while. You didn't have a roommate in your dorm and not too many friends, so even if this was a one-time thing, it was still a good break from the usual.

"Well, thanks for all your help! Now it's my turn to teach you about volleyball!" he said. His homework was now finished for all of his classes and you honestly wanted to find a good excuse to keep on hanging out with him. 

You weren't wearing the most ideal clothing to play volleyball in, but you weren't about to turn his offer down.

"Can we play with only two people?" you asked.

"We can practice some beginner stuff, but if you really wanna play and see how it's done. I might be able to gather some people to play last minute." he said, muttering about how they don't have lives anyways. He pulled his phone out of his jacket pocket and dialed a number, putting the phone to his ear. He paused for a second.

"Hey Akaashi, whatcha doing? Are you down for some volleyball tonight? The guys too? I've got a noob that wants to learn how to play." he said, throwing a smile your way. You smiled back, a little embarrassed. You knew the school's team was good. Especially Bokuto as one of the top ace positions in the nation. It felt surreal to be studying and goofing around with him.

"Alright. They said they wouldn't mind playing some tonight! The more practice the better." he said. He stood, throwing his bag over his shoulder. "You ready?" he asked. You nodded in response.

You made your way to the gym and once you walked inside, you looked around in awe. You never realized how big this gym actually was. It looked quite small from the outside. You followed him and set your bag and jacket down next to his own. He grabbed a volleyball and began explaining some basics to you. Then he began passing the ball to you. How to receive it, set it, spike it. Even serving. 

You stood behind the line, ready to try and hit a serve over the net. You opted for the underhand serve as that's what seemed would get the ball over the net for you personally. You didn't think you would have the strength to get an overhand serve over.

"Remember what I showed you and just go for it!" he said. You nodded, taking a deep breath and getting into position, then hitting the ball. He made it look so easy. You watched nervously and it barely went over the net but made it. You turned around to him, jumping and smiling. He high-fived you at your success.

"Wanna try and set the ball to me now?" he asked. You nodded eagerly. This was a lot of fun and you never wanted this day to end, so of course you did. You weren't great at first but began getting the movement correct. You finally set the ball close to perfectly and watching him spike it felt like one of the most amazing things you had ever witnessed. Sure, you'd seen them play games a couple of times, but seeing it up close, it was like nothing could compare.

"That was amazing!!" he shouted, jumping around in victory for your correct set. You smiled, laughing a little bit.

You heard the gym door creak open and looked over. A group of unfamiliar faces walked in, and you realized it was some of his teammates. He introduced you to the small group and you began trying to play with them. They were all really good and even then you could tell they were taking it easier on you since you were new.

"How about a three on three? We've got enough people." Bokuto offered. You nodded along with the others. They were all warmed up now. You were on a team with Bokuto and his friend Akaashi. You started off in the back, receiving and you assumed Bokuto was going to be the spiker and Akaashi the setter.

The other team started off serving and you got ready for it. You needed the ball to go to Akaashi. The ball bounced off your forearms, making its way to Akaashi's general direction. It wasn't great, but hey, you were a beginner. It was good enough for you and definitely good enough for them to recover. 

You sat back for a second and watched Akaashi set the ball to Bokuto and then he spiked it down. It looked surreal. It was now your turn to serve. Maybe you could pull off another one like you had done earlier. You made your way behind the back line of the court, standing right off of it, remembering everything Bokuto had taught you. You held your breath, then let it out.

"Get a good serve (Y/N)!" Bokuto shouted. You smiled, nodding.

You then hit the ball, watching it in hopes that it would go over the net. It hit the top of the net, then tipped over. You cheered, coming back onto the court. This was amazing. You were actually doing decently. You loved it.

This continued on until your team beat the other. Of course with one of the best setter/spiker duos in the nation, you weren't surprised. Everyone began packing their things, sitting for a second to cool down. 

"Want me to walk you to your dorm?" Bokuto questioned.

"You don't have to. You've already done so much." you replied. He really had. This totally beat sitting at home and watching TV all afternoon. 

"Nah. I'll walk you there. It's dark outside." he responded. You smiled and nodded, grabbing your packed belongings and making your way there. You wouldn't turn down hanging out with him longer if he insisted on it.

Once you arrived, you didn't know what to say. You had so much fun and never wanted it to end.

"Soooo... I wanna do this again. Today was really fun. You made math tolerable. No! School in general." he said. He ran his hand through his hair again, laughing. He must do that when he's nervous.

"Me too! How about next week?" you asked, hopeful you could play again soon.

"That sounds perfect." he responded, his hand coming back to his side.

"Let me give you my number. Gotta have a way to communicate." you said. He took his phone out of his pocket, handing it to you. You typed in your number and gave the phone back to him. He smiled, putting it into his pocket.

"I'll text you when I get home." he said, a big smile across his face. You couldn't help but to also smile. 

"Well, till trigonometry next week." you said. He nodded, turning with a wave. You waved back, opening your door and going inside. You did a little victory dance. He was amazing.

Who would have known a simple trigonometry question could blossom into a friendship? (And possibly more...)

[frecklenog]

after spending an evening listening to jessie gender tell me about starfield, capitalism, gender, selfhood, and ursula k leguin, i had. some Thoughts about another science fiction series; one you're probably at least somewhat familiar with if you follow this blog or watch ms gender's videos.

to start off; hey. this is partially based on my own experiences, my understanding of them, and how that lens can be applied to star trek. it's also very much inspired by the work of jessie earl, whose channel i can't recommend enough. she's funny, intelligent, kind, and an incredibly gifted writer, and she's a gift to both the star trek, trans, and "video essay youtuber" communities. show her some love!

that said, i want to start by looking at star trek. we all know the vulcans, don't we? pointy ears, green blood — spock's dad's side of the family. gifted with telepathic abilities, vulcans are practitioners of the mind meld, also called things like a mind link, probe, touch, or fusion, which is exactly what it sounds like. it allows two (or more, on occasion) sentient life forms to exchange thoughts as though they were one being.

of course, this kind of thing is common in media. steven universe has gem fusions, which should be examined from a plural viewpoint in their own right. x-man charles xavier almost routinely delves into the minds of others. but rarely does it have any lasting impact on the characters. even star trek itself falls into this, with doctor leonard mccoy not getting nearly enough screentime in the voyage home to show off what must have been the intensely strange experience of carrying spock's katra within him. (maybe that's addressed in a novelization or comic that i'm just unaware of, but regardless, i haven't seen it, and i think that's a travesty. (and if you know of a book where that gets touched on oh my god give me the fucking link now-))

there are instances of star trek mind melds having lasting effects, as discovery shows part of sarek's katra being permanently linked to michael burnham, though that could be considered an extenuating circumstance, what with her being on death's doorstep at the time of the meld. which most trek fans probably already know, and is honestly more fantastical than i care to bother reading with a plural lens. however, star trek is a fandom with nearly sixty years of history, including hundreds of books and comics from various authors and publishers. these stories are plentiful, bizzare, and sometimes outright terribly written. i don't blame anyone for not having read them all — to do so seems like a terrifying task.

but the one i want to look at right now is a particular run of the star trek: the next generation comic, published in 2000 by wildstorm comics.

the run is called perchance to dream — a lovely, flourishing name for a comic where half of the plot could be it's very own jessie gender video for how much sexual weirdness goes on (but i'll leave that to the professionals). the part we're going to focus on is that the b-plot of the run surrounds captain jean luc picard, captain of the uss enterprise-d. the comic is set after the events of the star trek: the next generation season 3 premiere, best of both worlds: part 2. in that episode, the captain had been disconnected from the borg hivemind (after being assimilated in part 1), and he returned to duty as usual at the end of the episode (though he does choose to go on leave in the following episode). it's also set after another episode from later on in season 3, — episode 23, sarek, wherein picard preformed a mind meld with sarek in order to allow the aging ambassador better emotional control, as it was being ravaged by his bendii syndrome — essentially, vulcan dementia.

the a-plot of the run isn't really important to us, i'm afraid — although it reveals to us in the second issue that worf accidentally killed a kid on another soccer team as a child. suffice to say, one of the abilities of the aliens the crew has to play diplomacy with is that they can prod into people's traumas through their nightmares. they have a lot going on. it's a comic book from 2000, what did you expect?

and, speaking of things that are easily dated, the third issue of the run brings us to the second part of today's topic.

image id: a comic book page. beginning at the top, a narration box reads: "chief medical officer's log, stardate 48503.8. lieutenant commander data, doctor selar, and i have gone through the damiano [alien] records regarding the chova. while no direct way to combat the weapon was ever developed we have discovered that certain people were immune to the chova's effects and could destroy the weapon." doctor beverly crusher is beside the narration box, depicted from the shoulders up, facing slightly to the right and saying "there has to be another way." a vulcan -- doctor selar -- is viewed from the waist up, holding a padd in her right hand and facing to the right of the page. she is saying "we have been over the records six times a piece, doctor. if there is anything to find, it is likely that we would have found it by now." data, an android designed to appear as a human with pale yellow plastic skin, is holding a book slightly behind doctor selar. his mouth is slightly open as he speaks. "i believe doctor selar is correct. this is the only course of action open to us under the circumstances." to the right of this panel is another shot of beverly from the shoulders up, this time facing to the left. her expression is stern as she says "i know, i know, it's just-- it could kill him." in the next panel. beverly is shown from the back, and captain jean-luc picard enters, saying "you sent for me, doctor?" beverly responds, "yes, jean-luc. please sit down." below this, the left panel takes most of the remaining page. this time we see captain picard from the back, while beverly faces the reader head-on, speaking first. "we've gone through the records chief du're [irrelevant one-off character from the a-plot] provided. it turns out that there was one group of people who were immune to the chova when it was first used. mpd's." jean-luc repeats "mpd's?" curiously. to the right, data is shown from the shoulders up, saying; "mpd stands for multiple personality disorder. mpd can come about through psycholo--" but beverly interrupts him; "not now, data." end id.

ah, multiple personality disorder. a term that hasn't been clinically used since 1994. these days, we call this dissociative identity disorder (did), but it's one dissociative disorder of many, which is what beverly is talking about. for whatever reason, people with this sort of dissociative plurality seem to be immune to the specific trauma nightmares induced by these aliens. (finally, some good news.)

okay, neat! so, dissociative disorders and plurality have been canonically addressed in star trek. let's see how it goes!

image id also available unbroken in alt text. image id pt 1: beginning in the top left corner, beverly is shown from the shoulders up, facing the right side of the page as she speaks. "the point is the people who are afflicted with more than one personality would destroy the chova before it could affect them. the chova was only built for one personality. mpds would literally overwhelm it." in the next panel, to the right, picard is shown from the chest up, partially obstructed by speech bubbles. facing right, he asks; "how does this help us?" beverly is also in this right panel, although from behind, and nearly completely obfuscated by speech bubbles. she answers; "well, mpd was never a common occurance, and it's almost unheard of these days.there've only been two cases reported in the federation in the last two hundred years -- and damiano [the alien planet] hasn't seen a case in the last fifty."beverly continues. "however, we do have someone on the enterprise who has the makings of a classic mpd. i'd like your permission to ask this person to volunteer to undergo a mind-meld with doctor selar in order to bring the submerged personalities to the fore."

this particular line, i take umbrage with, as dissociative disorders are a lot more common than people might think, and star trek has shown us a future as tumultuous as our own present for decades. there would absolutely be people experiencing some level of multiplicity in everyday life both within the federation and without. but, again, this was written in the 90s, i think? i don't know how long it takes a team of professionals to make a comic book. but, i digress.

image id pt 2: picard responds; "permission granted, as long as it remains on a volunteer basis. who is the officer in question?" below, the leftmost panel is larger than the right. beverly crusher is shown in profile, facing right, with doctor selar and data behind her from the chest and shoulders up. picard is on the right of the page, slightly smaller, but also in profile, facing right to contrast beverly as he listens to her speak. "it's someone who's been exposed to an especially intense vulcan mind-meld, who lived another life for thirty-five subjective years— and who had a second personality grafted onto his own for a brief period by the borg. the next panel takes the entire width of the page, and much of the height. picard is shown in the middle, standing in a purple void. around him are three other male characters shown in bust. from left to right, they are; kamin, a humanoid man bearing great resemblance to an older imagining of jean-luc picard, wearing a plain blue shirt. sarek, a vulcan with grey hair, a turquoise shirt, and a green stone amulet on a large gold chain around his neck. he is cast in shadow and his eyes are not visible. locutus, an ashen version of jean-luc picard, with about a third of his face obscured by black metal exoplating and implants that surround his right eye. tubes come off of his face and neck, trailing behind him, and a red light made to shine at his point of focus shines from the side of his head. there are several yellow narration boxes, which read as follows. "sarek of vulcan. picard mind-melded with the legendary ambassador in order to lend him strength for an important negotiation — an act that almost cost picard his sanity." "kamin of kataan. a probe sent out by kataan before their sun went nova allowed picard to live most of kamin's adult life as a way to remember his people."

oh, yeah. did... did i not mention that that happened?

basically, he was targeted by a device that beamed him into the world's most immersive vr game — kind of like the one from rick and morty? if you watched that? if you didn't, sorry for bringing it up, and if you did, ditto. but it forced picard to live out an entire life as though he'd been abducted by aliens and placed in a sims game. though, ultimately, the plot intricacies of the inner light are beside my point.

image id pt 3: "locutus of borg. quite simply, the greatest nightmare of picard's entire life. the subversion of his intellect, his will, his very self to the collective of the borg." "all three are part of him, but they do not dominate. if picard does as doctor crusher suggests, he will subsume himself in order to let the others come to the fore. for sarek, for kamin, he would be willing." "but locutus--?" the next panel takes a little more than half of the remainder of the page. a narration box in the upper left reads; "then he thinks of his first officer, counselor, chief of security, chief engineer, and all the others who have fallen victim to this vicious weapon." the rest of the panel shows two sleeping figures, both humanoid, in what is presumably sickbay. the last panel takes the remainder. a narration box in the upper left reads; "and jean-luc picard makes the only decision he is capable of making." captain picard is shown from the shoulders up, facing slightly to the left and saying; "what do i need to do?" below his speech bubble is another yellow text box, which reads "to be concluded..."

...which is how issue 3 leaves us.

fortunately, we can pick up in issue 4 with ease, since these comics are over twenty years old. i'm going to do my best to limit my use of comic pages, juuuuust in case, but once we reach the sixth page, with the credits...

image id: a two-page spread. beginning in the uppermost left corner, narration boxes read; "welcome to the mind of jean-luc picard." "'locutus' was a personality superimposed upon picard when he was taken by the borg, meant to serve as the spokesperson for that cybernetic race's ruthless assimilation of what they described as the 'authority-driven culture' of the federation." "ambassador sarek of vulcan suffered from bendii syndrome. in order to keep the effects of this devastating illness from endangering his final mission, sarek entered into a deep mind-meld with picard in order to give the ambassador emotional control and stability." "kamin was a prominent member of the community of ressik on the long-dead world of kataan. a probe sent by the kataan people allowed picard to live kamin's life for several subjective decades, although less than half an hour passed in reality." "all of these personalities have made up a part of jean-luc picard, but he remained dominant." "until now." "this is the mind of jean-luc picard." the left page is mostly taken up by a large illustration of locutus, drawn in far more detail than before. trailing off to the right are two tubes or wires, as well as a speech bubble that reads "resistance is futile." also on this page are the details of the comic title, run, issue number, writers/artists, and copyright. taking up most of the right half of the right page is sarek of vulcan, drawn in less detail than locutus, but easily recognizable. his hair is a lighter grey, he is wearing white and cream robes and an amber amulet on a thick gold ring around his neck, and he is holding up his right hand in a vulcan salute/ta'al. depicted below sarek is kamin, drawn from the shoulders up, wearing a plain white shirt with a collar. below kamin is captain picard, also shown from the shoulders up, in his starfleet uniform, and surrounded by four lights, with two on either side of him. (there is also further copyright information beside him in fine print.)

...i'm pretty sure that this analysis falls under the "commentary" part of fair use. right?

but, regardless, this is kind of a huge thing to drop in a comic that virtually no one has bothered to read. i mean, especially when, amidst the clashing of picard's plurality with the a-plot, we get this panel;

image id: a single comic panel. kamin is shown from behind, speaking to locutus and sarek within a noneuclidean space with four circular white lights shining in the distance. "what is going on?" kamin asks. "we have been subdued for too long. but now we shall dominate, as we were meant to." locutus replies. sarek interrupts. "your logic is flawed, locutus. we are all merely aspects of jean-luc picard's mind." "you may be sarek of vulcan, but we are of the borg."

sarek is able to acknowledge himself, kamin, and locutus as "aspects" of captain picard, despite picard rarely if ever sensing them or their influence. picard is being, not just implied, but explicitly stated to have a latent form of plurality, and perchance to dream depicts it in a way that strikes true to members of my own system, at times, with certain alters first making themselves known in the front already well aware of who they are, and having existed without the my knowledge due to dissociative barriers that only came down later in life.

unfortunately, because this is a star trek media, locutus ends up assimilating kamin in the headspace and forcing himself into the front. however, as he does it, he says something that does, to an extent, resonate with the experience of being one among many, for better or worse.

image id: a single comic panel. locutus is shown facing the viewer, and his chin and the top of his head are cut off by the borders of the panel. his light breaks the plane of the panel to simulate the effect that it is shining into the "camera." locutus's mouth is open as he speaks; "for too long you have suppressed us, picard. but you are of the borg."

plurality is a defense mechanism by the brain to protect against trauma. it is, from what i have seen, more common among those who are already neurodivergent, which already presents in a myriad of ways. mixing the ugly truth of trauma with the raw reality of mental illness caused by it can result in certain alters feeling as though they are being suppressed by not being allowed to front and live their own life, depending on how the system functions. admittedly it is more common in fictional depictions of dissociative disorders for these alters to simply live their own lives in secret anyway, as is the case in the marvel tv series moon knight with marc spector, steven grant, and jake lockley (along with the other possible members of their system who may or may not be present depending on the canon, but those are the main three). but, in reality — or at least my experience — this more often translates to alters making themselves social media accounts, or using services like tupperbox or pluralkit on discord, or finding other ways to more discretely express themselves, such as icon changes or status updates.

but, getting back to star trek, this is ultimately a one-off comic. so captain picard saves the day with his secret alters, ends the mind meld with doctor selar, and goes back to living his life as a singlet, ready for the people of the future to be able to easily comprehend without having to read a very specific comic run from 2000.

...right?

image id: part of a comic page. each panel takes up roughly one quarter of the page each. in the first panel, counselor deanna troi is seen standing, having just entered captain picard's ready room. picard is shown from the back, sitting at his desk. "counselor! good to see you up and about." he greets her. "it's good to be up and about." she responds. "playing some old tunes?" [picard had been playing the ressikan flute prior to her entry.] picard responds. "mmm. i wanted to make sure that i still remembered how." in the next panel, we look over counselor troi's shoulder and across the desk at captain picard. "were you worried that you wouldn't?" she wonders. "actually, yes," picard answers. "after what happened..." the third panel shows picard facing the viewer head-on from the shoulders up. he continues, "i suppose i knew intellectually how close to the surface locutus, sarek, and kamin were. but i never really thought about it. they were — memories, experiences. no different from any other. but they're much more than that." the fourth panel shows counselor troi, facing slightly to the right as she speaks. "not much more. all three of them are part of you. but the important word is you. the fragmentation was artificially induced." picard asks; "was it?"

ultimately, yes, this is a one-off comic run that isn't very well known, and i only read because i took a personal interest in the subject matter. i knew going in that it wasn't going to fundamentally change the entire fandom's understanding of captain picard, or make the star trek fandom an instant haven for systems everywhere. but, still, captain picard has his doubts, and that truly touched me when i first read it as someone who was actively reckoning with the fact that past traumas that had impacted me more than i realized.

the comic goes on for a while longer, but the last thing it has to say on the subject of plurality is this.

image id: a single comic panel. counselor troi is seated in one of the chairs in captain picard's ready room, facing him from across his desk. she is on the left, facing partially right, and he is on the right, in profile facing left. the dialogue reads as follows. picard wonders, "was it [the dissociative fragmentation of his identity] truly a creation of the mind-meld, or was it simply breaking a dam that was already cracked?" riker interrupts over the comm. "riker to picard." "go ahead, number one," picard tells him. "it's time to beam down to damiano for the ceremony, sir." "thank you, commander."

and that's it. picard asks a question, then gets called away and never tells us his answer.

i think, at least subconsciously, that might be part of why i held star trek: picard to such a high standard.

to be clear, i hadn't read this comic when the first season of picard was coming out. but i was starting to grapple with my plurality, and i used fictional media as a means to do that (as is still evidenced by things like my system simon tag). the first season of the show was centered around both picard's relationship with both his legacy and his history with the borg collective. as mentioned in perchance to dream, captain picard had previously been assimilated by the borg collective — a cybernetic hivemind from the delta quadrant that absorbed cultures and species into itself, effectively wiping out the cultural histories of entire planets, at times, in their quest to become the "perfect" life form through a combination of genetic engineering and mechanical augmentation. and, as this happened, i came to know a young man named hugh who took form within my mind. a fictional introject, or fictive, of the character of the same name from season 5, episode 23, i, borg. with his help, i grew to further understand my own plurality, and saw the potential for our stories to be told in the wake of reclamations from the borg collective. the reclamation project became a hyperfixation, and—

and then came the jurati collective.

my own system bears no connection to the jurati collective, but it is a wonder, and can be examined through a plural lens as an allegory for our own experiences as dissociatives. many consciousnesses, all working together as one towards a common goal, and willingly. after all, what is a system if not a hive within one body?

and then came picard's third season, completely ignoring her, along with all the unique perspectives that stories surrounding her might have offered in favor of what felt like a final next generation movie.

ignoring me, it felt like.

is that silly? probably. but, try as i might, i am human, and so i have a propensity for illogic — no matter how much my autistic brain craves structure and definitive explanations in order to understand the world.

i'll be honest, i'm not sure how to end this. but, sometimes i remember the time in season 6, episode 20, the chase, when picard became incredibly excited about an ancient alien society that believed people were, indeed, collectives within themselves.

"...the kurlan civilisation believed that an individual was a community of individuals. inside us are many voices, each with its own desires, its own style, its own view of the world." -captain jean-luc picard

and i realize that, with the core tenant of this series lying in the infinite diversity of both the known and the unknowable — the building blocks are already in place. star trek is a media that has grown over the decades, and hopefully will continue to do so, because there are still so many ways for new and interesting and meaningful stories to be told within this franchise.

but, if you can't summon your representation from a nostalgiabait sequel/reboot within a preexisting intellectual property... there's nothing to stop you from crafting your own story and letting loose as many systems as you like.

[thegayhimbo]

Stranger Things Suspicious Minds Review

WARNING: The following review contains MAJOR SPOILERS for the book, as well as Stranger Things Season 4!

If you haven't yet, be sure to check out my other Stranger Things Reviews! Like, Reblog, and let me know what your thoughts are in the comment section! :)

Stranger Things Six

Stranger Things Halloween Special

Stranger Things The Other Side

Stranger Things Zombie Boys

Stranger Things The Bully

Stranger Things Winter Special

Stranger Things Tomb of Ybwen

Stranger Things Into The Fire

Stranger Things Science Camp

Stranger Things “The Game Master” and “Erica’s Quest”

Stranger Things and Dungeons and Dragons

Stranger Things Kamchatka

Stranger Things Erica The Great

Stranger Things “Creature Feature” and “Summer Special”

Synopsis: The year is 1969, and Dr. Martin Brenner has set up his base of operations at Hawkins Lab. Having brought along a five year old Kali/Eight to keep her contained while her powers develop, Brenner begins recruiting new tests subject for the MKULTRA Project in the hopes of finding others with potential. When college student Terry Ives hears about the experiment, she becomes intrigued and signs up for the program, believing it to be extremely important in shaping the course of history. However, as she starts spending more time on the project, she begins to realize the Lab and Dr. Brenner are not what they seem.........

Observations:

This is going to be a longer review compared to my other ones because I had a lot to say about the book, the show's mythology, and certain theories I have that might come to fruition in season 5. This will be split into four parts (which are titled below), so heads up on that! :)

Last year, when season 4 premiered, I ordered all the Stranger Things tie-in materials that were out at the time, and this was the first book in the series I read. I wanted to know more about the experiments Terry Ives was put through which would eventually lead to her conceiving Eleven, as well as what methods Dr. Brenner used to create human beings with extraordinary powers. To the book's credit, it (somewhat) answers those questions, but also leaves others vague or ambiguous. I couldn't tell if that's because Netflix and Random House Books planned for there to be more sequels to Suspicious Minds. If that was the case, it's probably a moot point now considering the direction the Duffer Brothers went in season 4.

The question I'm sure people are going to ask is whether or not this book is canon, and the honest answer is I don't know. The book was written by Gwenda Bond, and in her acknowledgements, she gives credit to "creative consultant" Paul Dichter for notes and advice. Paul Dichter is a writer who's been on the show since season 1, so there was someone from the writing team who oversaw this novel as it developed. The problem though is 1.) There is a continuity snarl in the book that contradicts information stated on the show, and 2.) The direction the Duffer Brothers took in season 4 begs the question of whether Gwenda Bond or even Paul Dichter had all the information about the show's mythology (such as Henry/One/Vecna and his relationship with Brenner, or Colonel Sullivan and the factions in the U.S. government opposed to the MKULTRA Project).

Because of these factors, I'm looking at this book more as an analysis of what it can tell us about the thought process behind the writers when it came to crafting the show's mythology and certain characters.

Part 1: The Upside Down's connection to the test subjects of Hawkins Lab.

Back in my review of Stranger Things Six, I proposed a theory that the abilities special kids like El, Kali, and Henry/One/Vecna had were connected to the Upside Down. Whether or not some force from the Upside Down gives them their powers remains to be seen, but both supplementary materials and even the show have implied there's a link between the two. Out of all the places Vecna could have been banished to by El, it comes off as too much of a coincidence that she sent him to the Upside Down once she fully tapped into her powers. It's even doubtful El knew what she was doing in that moment when she dissolved him like that. She wanted Henry/One/Vecna gone, but nothing indicates she had any foreknowledge of the Upside Down, or that she consciously sent him to that dimension.

That's not even getting into how she made contact with the Demogorgon in season 1 despite never seeing it before and not knowing what it was, or how her powers went haywire once she did and ripped open a gate between the two worlds.

In Suspicious Minds, Terry befriends another test subject named Alice Johnson, a mechanic who has a love for fixing machines as well as taking them apart and rebuilding them. When she's given psychedelics and administered electroshocks as part of the experiment, she begins having visions of the Upside Down and the Demogorgon:

Eventually, these visions show Alice parts of the future, such as Eleven being under Dr. Brenner's control and Terry Ives's eventual fate of being caught and administered repeated electroshocks by Brenner until she was reduced to the current state she's in on the show.

A lot of this is similar to what Francine/Six went through in her comic debut: She repeatedly had visions of the Demogorgon in the Upside Down, and even saw glimpses of future events as they played out:

The major difference between Francine/Six and Alice is that Six was shown to be psychic way before Dr. Brenner met her, whereas Alice only began to develop psychic abilities when she started taking acid and was given electroshocks.

This conundrum between characters who were born with special gifts and characters who had their gifts unlocked later in life is something that plays out on the show: Henry/One/Vecna was established as different from other kids growing up, but it wasn't until he moved into the Creel House at the age of 12 that he discovered his abilities. Whether or not something in the house caused his powers to activate or if he just discovered them naturally remains to be seen. Terry wasn't able to remote-view into the void until she began taking LSD during the experiments, and would use that to communicate with Kali in the book and El in season 2 when she came to visit her mother for the first time. El was born with her abilities as a result of the experiments and acid trips Terry went through while she was pregnant.

The idea suggested on the show and by supplementary materials is that psychedelics like LSD and Acid unlock something in the brain, allowing certain individuals to access psychokinetic abilities. However, it's unclear if the implication is supposed to be that the majority of humans have psychological inhibitors that prevent them from having those abilities, or if it all depends on the individual having those abilities at all.

In the book, there are two other test subjects, Gloria and Ken, who undergo similar experiments at the lab, and they don't have the same visions of the Upside Down Alice has, nor are they able to remote view like Terry can. While Ken claims to be psychic, it has more to do with certain feelings he gets about individuals, and when something happens to them. Case in point: He knows about Andrew's death before he's ever informed about it:

However, he doesn't have visions of the future or the Upside Down the same way Alice does. And as Brenner notes later on, the results of the experiments with Ken were lackluster by his standards:

That's not even getting into the other participants at the beginning of the novel (prisoners, insane patients, potheads, and draft dodgers) who were given the same experimental treatments and never showed the results Alice and Terry did. Based on that, the development of psychokinetic abilities likely has a lot to do with the person in question rather than the psychedelics themselves. Brenner even proposes a theory that a mind starting out as a blank slate and not corrupted by outside influences plays a major role in an individual developing certain abilities. It's a big reason why he allows Terry to continue coming back to the lab for experiments despite knowing she's pregnant at the time, and despite the trouble she causes him:

It's also why he keeps Kali/Eight separate from other people besides him:

That's all well and good, but that doesn't do much to explain Henry/One/Vecna's situation, and why his powers were dormant for 12 years before they suddenly weren't. They haven't established him taking psychedelics as a kid to unlock his abilities, and his angry, nihilistic rant to El at the lab conveys he was well exposed to the world around him and wasn't "a blank slate" in the same way El or even Kali were.

This is why I lean heavily on the theory of the Upside Down being connected to the abilities certain individuals have. Some kind of force or presence in that dimension acting as an influence on people without them realizing it, which could explain how they get those powers. I would even argue the LSD/acid acts as a tunnel between the Upside Down and the human mind via telekinetic energy. It's something the comic Stranger Things Kamchatka also touches upon when Dr. Orlov created a device that harnesses telekinetic energy to bridge this world with "someplace else:"

On a semi-related note, it's interesting that every time Vecna established a psychic connection with his victims before killing them, he would do it while held up in the air by vines attached to his back:

The implication I drew from this is that said vines in Vecna's back acted as a way for him to draw power from the Upside Down. In other words, the nature of the Upside Down amplifies his abilities. For now, I'm leaning on the theory that the Upside Down is the original source of his power, and that some force from it reached Henry as a kid all those years ago at the Creel House, which activated those abilities.

Part 2: The Characters

Getting back to the book, the synopsis speaks for itself: It's a prequel centered around Terry Ives (El's mother) during her time at the Lab with Dr. Brenner, and the experiments she was subjected to that led to the creation of Eleven. While there, she befriends several other test subjects: Alice Johnson, a mechanic who (as I described before) begins having visions of the Upside Down and the future once she's given LSD and electroshocks during the experiments. Gloria Flowers, a black college student with a love for the X-Men comics who's forced to join the project to get credits for her classes. And Ken, a self-proclaimed psychic who's later revealed to be gay. All four of them form a fellowship similar to the one in The Lord of the Rings (which is something referenced in-universe by the characters themselves) as they begin to question the nature and ethics of the experiments they're undergoing.

From the way the group is written here, it's clear they're meant to invoke the Party from the show. Ken for instance has a lot of similarities to Will in his sexual orientation and having some elements of being psychic and getting certain feelings at different moments (though in Will's case, it's usually when Vecna/The Mind Flayer is active). Lucas has many similarities to Gloria in being the pragmatic member of the group and having to deal with racism directed at them because of who they are. Alice is similar to Dustin in their natural curiosity about how things work. And finally, Terry has similarities to Mike in their desire to protect the people they love and being the ones to lead the group forward in pursuit of a goal.

The book also introduces Terry's boyfriend, Andrew Rich, who's revealed to be El's true biological father. Andrew is a product of the counterculture movement of the 1960s, both in his opposition to the war in Vietnam, his (valid) distrust of the government, and his willingness to participate in events such as Woodstock and protests about social issues. The book describes him as being rich enough to afford his apartment, and Terry at one point notes he's a little spoiled because of his parents money and his expectation that it will bail him out of any trouble he gets into. Despite this, he isn't entitled or mean-spirited. He's 100% supportive of Terry, and he's shown to genuinely believe in the causes he protests for. All of which makes his fate heartbreaking later on.

If you thought Brenner was a monster for what he did to Terry Ives years later, this book makes his actions even worse. Not only did he steal El as a baby and had Terry's brain fried when she tried (and failed) to get her back, but he's also responsible for the death of Andrew. After Andrew gets in trouble at the University for protesting against the Vietnam War, Brenner specifically pulls strings in the government to get Andrew's lottery number drawn so that he's sent to the front lines in Vietnam to be killed. All of which is done to get Terry back under Brenner's control. And sadly, it works.

On top of that, Brenner's behavior in this book is straight-up psychopathic with traces of narcissism. I don't mean this the way internet users like to throw those words around to describe people they don't like, but in the actual diagnostic sense: He has no empathy for anyone, not even Kali/Eight whom he views as a lab rat and not as a five year old girl with wants and needs. He has zero issues firing people just for questioning him, or because they react in a way that irritates him. He has no moment of consciousness about pushing the boundaries of his experiments, and his reaction to possibly getting someone killed is to note the loss of potential rather than feel any guilt over his actions. He lacks remorse, he's ruthless in his pursuit of his goals, he makes impulsive decisions based on the results it will get him and doesn't give a damn about the collateral damage he causes, he's definitely power-hungry, expects nothing but respect and unquestioning loyalty from others regardless of whether or not he deserves it, and from what little we do see of his personal life, he appears to have no close relationships. Everyone is a pawn to him.

And to the people out there who keep insisting that Brenner loved the kids under his care............he didn't. His interactions with Kali/Eight in this book are proof of that. Not only is he abusive towards her (including depriving her of sleep when he finds out she's been keeping secrets from him), but his internal thoughts about her make it very clear that he does not empathize with Kali, and only indulges her on occasion to keep her under his thumb.

On a related note, this is why I take issue with Brenner apologists in the fandom who buy into the excuses he makes to El in season 4 when she confronts him about his past sins. For all the posturing he makes about caring for the special kids in his care, the truth is it was ALWAYS about him and what he wanted. He saw a potential weapon when he met Henry/One/Vecna, used him to replicate other kids with similar abilities, and was not above abusing and gaslighting them to get results. Vecna was right on the money when he said that it was all about control for Brenner. Even in the book, he displays this attitude, which rightfully disgusts Terry:

This is why I also don't agree with people who insist Brenner was redeemed in season 4. He wasn't. He never takes any responsibility for the damage he causes, and keeps insisting everything he did was justified when it wasn't. Even his dying breath is used trying to guilt-trip El into absolving him for his behavior by begging her to "understand." That is NOT redemption. And based on how El refuses to absolve Brenner as he's dying, she feels the same way. There are some things you can't be forgiven for.

Kali/Eight is also present here. She's 5 years old when this story takes place, and Brenner has kept her isolated from the other kids (and test subjects) because he wants her powers to develop more. One day, during her experiments at the lab, Terry accidentally finds Kali while roaming the halls, and after befriending her, Kali becomes a main factor in why Terry and her friends keep returning to the Lab despite knowing that Brenner is bad news: They think Kali's being held against her will by Brenner and are trying to find a way to help her escape.

If you've seen the first 2 seasons, you know EXACTLY how that's going to go.

The tragedy with Kali's character is, because of how young she is, she doesn't fully comprehend the situation around her. On some level, she's aware that Brenner is dishonest, and a big source of contention between them for most of the book is her being upset with Brenner because he keeps promising to give her a friend to play with and doesn't deliver (he only fulfills that promise at the end once he's kidnapped El, and it's not out of the pure goodness of his heart). Unfortunately, because Brenner is the parent figure she knows at that time, she still refers to him as "Papa," and goes along with what he wants because she doesn't know any better. She also isn't able to keep her visits with Terry a secret, which Brenner is quick to find out about from Kali and use to manipulate both her and Terry going forward.

This all adds new context to the scene in "The Lost Sister" when Kali is persuading El to kill Ray Carroll, the orderly responsible for torturing Kali when she was a child and frying Terry's brain with electroshocks on Brenner's orders. She isn't just pressuring El out of a desire for revenge, but also because she holds herself responsible for El and Terry's current predicament. She isn't at fault for what happened (the blame is 100% on Brenner), but she still feels like she is.

I said this before in my review of Into the Fire, but I sincerely hope the Duffer Brothers bring Kali back for season 5 and give her story a proper conclusion. There was a lot left in the air the night El left Kali behind to return to Hawkins, and it would be cathartic if both of them got closure, and if Kali was able to let go of her anger towards those who wronged her and maybe find companionship and familial love from El. My biggest worry is that, because of how badly she's hurting and because she's still lashing out from the wrongs done to her, she might be susceptible to Vecna's manipulations, especially if he tries to recruit her and use her against El. I have hope she won't descend into the same darkness Vecna has, and that she can find a way to heal, but we'll have to wait and see.

Part 3: The Ending

The last 50 pages of this book were rough to get through. It's not that they were badly written, but when you've seen the show, you know exactly what's going to happen: Kali isn't going to be rescued from the lab, Terry is going to give birth to El and have her stolen by Brenner, and Terry will spent the next several years fruitlessly trying to get El back before Brenner subjects her to a fate worse than death. The only victory Terry manages to achieve at all is faking Alice's death and helping her escape to Canada so Brenner can't use her in further experiments. It's like the writers realized it would be too much of a Downer Ending unless Terry got some way of sticking it to Brenner, so they gave her that moment as compensation. Unfortunately, it still doesn't make the ending any less depressing.

On top of that, one of the aspects that bothers me is, for all the camaraderie shown between Terry and her friends............we never see them again. There's no mention on the show about Gloria or Ken or Alice and if they're still fighting against Brenner or if they know about what happened to Terry. Did Brenner have them hunted down and silenced? Are they still alive? We're never given an answer, and it's likely we might not get one unless they write a sequel to this book. I remember a while back I had a conversation with @pusheen1802 and @lavandulaphoenix about the possibility of a spin-off focusing on Terry's friends, but that remains to be seen, and the spin-offs they have announced don't seem to be centered on that.

And this brings me to how Suspicious Minds ties in with the show....

Part 4: Canon and Continuity on Stranger Things

I said at the beginning of this review that there was a continuity snarl that I couldn't ignore, and that has to do with the year El was born.

The main plot takes place between July 1969 and June 1970 (with an epilogue on November 1970). According to the book, Terry got pregnant in November 1969, and she later gave birth to El in June 1970 after Brenner unknowingly gives Terry a special dose to cause her to give birth earlier than usual. Based on this, it would mean El would have been 13 by the time the first season of Stranger Things starts.

However, on the show, it's specifically stated that El was 12 years old when Becky is telling Hopper and Joyce about the circumstances behind Terry's supposed miscarriage.

From Season 1, Episode 6 "The Monster:"

Becky: I don't think you guys understand. Terry miscarried in the third trimester. She keeps all of this up. Been doing it for 12 years. [sigh] Terry, uh, pretends like Jane is real--like she's gonna come home someday.

If El was 12 years old, that would mean she would have to have been born in 1971. Even if we're being generous and rounding the numbers, she still would have to be 13 if she was born in 1970.

Some people might call this a small nitpick, but it's one that bothers me. I've come to accept that the Duffer Brother and the writing team for Stranger Things may not be so great with numbers and dates (*cough* Will's Birthday *cough*), but oversights like this make me question whether this book can count as canon because of that.

Then there's everything to do with Henry/One/Vecna. It's pretty clear based on how the book was written that Gwenda Bond (and likely Paul Dichter) were kept in the dark by the Duffer Brothers about One's importance to Brenner and Hawkins Lab. There is no instance in the book where Brenner ever thinks or talks about One despite him being the reason the MKULTRA program took off like it did. His inner dialogue is focused on how Kali/Eight has been the only test subject who has shown powerful abilities, and how all the other kids at the lab were "ordinary so far." Based on what's revealed in season 4, we know this isn't true. Henry/One/Vecna had powers by the time he fell into Brenner's care, and had already used them to murder his mother and sister. Brenner also knew that Henry/One/Vecna was dangerous enough that he had to be controlled, which is why he placed the soteria chip in Vecna to keep his abilities suppressed.

And I get for the purposes of the twist in season 4 why the Duffer Brothers withheld information about Henry/One/Vecna, but it unfortunately creates a plot-hole in the book when Brenner is acting like Kali/Eight is the only child who's demonstrated powers thus far.

Final Thoughts:

Usually, I give a recommendation about whether or not someone should check out a Stranger Things Tie-In, but in this case, I'm not sure how to proceed.

The book itself is well-written, and it gives interesting insight into the thought process behind the mythology of the show. It also fleshes out Terry and Brenner's characters while allowing the audience to see the circumstances behind the experiments at Hawkins Lab. However, for the reasons I've just described, I can't 100% claim this book is canon.

I hope this review has given a general overview about the book, and I hope it helps people to decide whether they want to read it or not. For what it's worth, I'm glad I did.

Coming Soon: Stranger Things Runaway Max

[svartish]

impartiality;

been a while since i've written anything, so please bear with it. warm up for other things i wanted to write. might delete later

warnings: angst? not proofread. not intended to be ship but you can take it that way if you want. pre-canon

Impartiality.

A word of privilege for those blessed with a lack of care and closeness, an existence defined without the balming bonds of friendship. Vyn once thought himself capable of living in such a way, careful practice built up with the intent to craft the highest walls around his heart, yet he found himself struggling and stranded for the first time. The ruthless judgment he cloaked himself with faltered in his bandaged heart, unable to extend unfeeling fingers toward grasping this unexpected situation with the same apathy and grace developed to guard him from pain. After experiencing a taste of one of his first real friendships, how could Vyn ever be expected to return to a harsh neutrality?

PAX CIVIL WAR gleamed mercilessly from a screen carelessly thrown aside amongst the paperwork littered about on his desk, though he hadn’t been bothered to spare the article a second glance for a while now. He knew it wasn’t true, and he knew he wanted to believe it, an easier out than the likely ugly reality at hand, but he couldn’t force himself to stomach another load of worthless drivel from news reporting fools who hadn’t even the slightest insight into anything important at all. 

It hurt. He hurt, Vyn realized. He didn’t want it to, and never expected it would, but with a twang of long-forgone emotion, his heart hurt. 

There were no photos of the NXX group together. It would be silly to take any, and dangerous to keep them. Even still, there was a photograph from the day Giannovyn first opened, the two owners proudly celebrating their latest accomplishment. It clouded his mind when he thought for too long about the open seats in the headquarters. Giann smiled wider than Vyn, his childish grin spreading from ear to ear, crowned with the most innocent looking dimples, but both men were equally overjoyed. Not only was it an advancement for science and mental health, but it marked a milestone in a friendship Vyn never expected himself to have in the first place. 

If he looked hard enough, perhaps he could find a photo of Neil as well stored somewhere carelessly in his belongings, though he wasn’t sure if he even wanted to think about him to begin with. The idea of a betrayal burned too brazenly in his chest for him to stomach the idea, as much as it bereaved him to suffer from such a human feeling. 

Now, it was just the two of them left in NXX. “Let’s bring in someone else, someone who can be impartial”, the other had said, aggravated by their disagreement. How could the two of them ever agree when they held such opposite experiences with their dearest missing members? Both, saddled so with emotion, grief, and conviction, refused to believe even for a moment that the other’s theories were anywhere near the truth. 

He went alone, without contacting anyone, to meet someone he trusted.

We don’t know that! We can’t decipher the entire email yet. We don’t know what actually happened!

A new member was seeking to join the team, none other than Giann’s younger brother. Vyn didn’t have to wrack his brain to figure what side of the argument the young man would take, perhaps with even more passion than he had. For now, he considered it more prudent to withhold these thoughts, the heartbreak he felt, and present himself as unbothered and unfeeling as usual. 

“Yes, let’s,” Vyn agreed, knowing he was no longer the impartial adjudicator he once believed himself to be.

[therese-lokidottir]

The Avengers: Earth Mightiest Heroes & X-Men Evolution series watch

Some Assembly Required written by Sebastian Montes

The supervillain Mandrill is jumping around the city causing trouble but is stopped by the Wasp. Iron Man, Thor, Ant-Man, and Hulk. Meanwhile, a stowaway is confronted by sailors on a cargo ship. Black Panther defeats them and jumps ship into the night.

Pepper meets with Hulk, while the others are late. Iron Man gives them a guided tour, and Pepper hands out the Avenger ID cards. Bruce warns Hulk that after the Avengers have caught the escaped prisoners, they’ll turn on him. Meanwhile, Hank Pym works on his prototype Ultron head and Jan moves into the Avengers Mansion.

The Enchantress prowls the Mansion, hexing JARVIS, and assumes Bruce Banner's form. JARVIS issues a warning to Thor that an intruder is interfering with the security, and Thor suggests that Hulk and he patrol the Mansion. Hulk leaves in a huff, and Pepper convinces Thor to go after him to bring him back. Thor and Hulk fight in Central Park.

Nick Fury speaks with Stark about the team and says supports Avengers but people are uneasy with super-powered heroes. Tony is dubious about Fury's claims suspecting Shield really just wants more control in the situation.

Stark gathers the Avengers to deal with Hulk who is under the Enchantress's spell. Iron Man and Thor find out and Banner breaks the spell. Hulk flees. Iron Man is attacked by the Executioner. Avengers battle Enchantress and Executioner.

Hulk and Banner discuss the Hulk's existence. Hulk rejoins the battle to save Giant-Man. Enchantress fails to regain control of the Hulk and is defeated. but the Executioner manages to escape with her unconscious body by using his powers to manipulate time and space.

After the fight, the Hulk quits, claiming that the Enchantress was right. He leaps away, and the Avengers return to the mansion. The Black Panther is keeping a watchful eye on the mansion. Meanwhile, the Hulk heads towards the Arctic north where Captain America's shield is shown to be trapped in the ice.

Well, I really like this episode. Everyone has been introduced and the team has been formed so so it the characters can finally lean back a bit and interact with each other.

I really love the contrast between Janet and Hank, with Janet's enthusiasm for being a hero and Hank's but science tho. They're both really adorable in this.

This is weird to say but the Hulk and Bruce also have an interesting relationship in this with Hulk animosity but also trust in Bruce. Bruce basically is Hulk's conscience. Unlike the movies these two can interact with each other which adds an interesting element.

Amora get to be pretty cool in this episode. Showing that she is just as sneaky and cunning as the best of them and she gets to use her magic in a fun way in the fight.

Turn of the Rogue written by Greg Johnson and Rick Ungar

The X-men are training in the Danger Room when to Cyclop's surprise he finds that Rogue is part of the simulation. He stops the program and asks Xavier why he added Rogue to the training simulation, Xavier tells him that he added her as an element of surprise, something they will need to get used to on their missions. Scott later tells Jean he doesn't like using Rogue's images as an enemy because he still thinks there is a chance that Rogue may join their side. Mystique overhears their conversation and Darkholme informs Rogue of what happened and tells her that their no chance that the X-men would ever truly want to befriend her.

Later, Jean and Scott were preparing for a school trip, but Darkholme manipulated things to make Jean lose her spot, and Rogue took her place instead. While they were riding the bus, heavy snow caused it to skid off the road and come to a halt. Rogue then suggested riding snowmobiles to caves during the storm, and she even challenged Scott to a race. The teacher gives a geology lecture to students in a cave. Rogue wanders off, followed by Scott. She asks what he wants. He wants to be friends. She demands the truth, asks if she's a target for the X-Men, and mentions the battle simulation with her as the enemy. Scott says she's been lied to and can join them. She refuses and starts to leave. A student approaches, revealing themself as Mystique. She taunts them, shoves Scott off a ledge, and tells him that Xavier is hiding the truth. Rogue confronts Mystique, demanding no more secrets. She uses her power to see Mystique's memories and sees that Mystique was deceiving her into thinking that the X-men were attacking her.

Scott landed on a ledge and Rogue was able to hop down and pull him up Mystique tried to drop a boulder on Scott and Rogue, causing them to fall into the river. Scott saves them from going over a waterfall, but he hits his head. Rogue apologized for what she had done.Xavier, Wolverine, and Storm have been alerted to the danger and fly towards the mountains in the Blackbird to try to find Scott. Scott and Rogue trying their best to avoid Mystique get stuck on a narrow bridge that nearly collapses before the X-men arrive. On the jet, Rogue hesitates to choose sides, but Wolverine assures her that she won't be thrown off. She takes their side and is welcomed by the X-Men. Later, the young mutants confront Xavier about Mystique. Rogue says honesty is important. Xavier promises to be more open with them.

Professor Xavier has a robot of a teenage girl and that's all I can think about. That wasn't a hologram in the danger room Xavier just had a robot of Rogue made and I don't know how or why.

In start contrast to EMH this show so far put emphasis on character based drama. It all been pretty good so far. I'm using on the side of Cyclops is a boring character but changing the settings and making him younger actually helps his character shine a bit. It lets his interactions with the others be personable and giving him that concept of he's growing into his role makes him more interesting.

Mystique can turn into animals in this show and I can't remember if that's a thing she can do in the comics. If so that puts her on the top tier considering this can allow her to fly.

With the bug shake up of rogue joining the X-Men and the reveal of Mystique's identity I'm looking forward to the next episode

[chainsawcorazon]

Another year, another hundred million things goin on. One thing’s for sure, the years start comin and they don't stop comin 😂😂😂

This year, I didn't go in with any special reading goals. It was only as I was heading towards summer that I found out that one of my favorite comic book superhero teams got a revival. And so, after nearly ten years of not looking at mainstream Big Two books, I finally picked up a DC mainliner a couple of years old. One thing lead to another, and I decided to reread old comics I enjoyed pre-2012, bringing me to the conclusion that motherfuckers did not lie when they said you a Big Two comic book nerd for life no matter how long of a break you take. I was literally reading every other comic book in the world except Big Two for the last ten years, and now I have a spreadsheet tracking when I gotta pick up my 2024 Zods and Lors. It's atrocious. I love it.

I also made my grand return to reading Stephen King books, which I've been off longer than Big Two comics! I, of course, went with the fattest, most interesting one I could find, and that's how I ate The Outsider in less than a week. It was really that good, I highly recommend.

I also read my fair share of popcorn horror written by Grady Hendrix, Darcy Coates, and Paul Tremblay. Got played by the homoerotic lesbianism in another Rachel Harrison that didn't have any real gay. Maybe she enjoys gaslighting me. Continued my adventures with M.R. Carey and Camilla Sten because those motherfucker can write. Read some adapted-by-Hollywood horror novels I've been avoiding for years like Lovecraft Country and Bird Box, both which got sequels I have to read now.

I veered into the weird this year to get more used to the surrealist side of horror. "The Devil Takes You Home," "My Sister, The Serial Killer," and "Tender is the Flesh" did not disappoint. Meta horror like "Curse of the Reaper" was also enjoyable. I also found a book in the tradition of Poppy Z. Brite. "Gone to the See the River Man" was a nasty thriller but one that reads like one fucked up ass poem. Threw in some short stories and novellas. Read one poetry anthology, and opened up sci-fi novels because I wanted to see if my brain could handle googling physics and mathematics every five minutes to see if I could handle books based on real-world science. Turns out I CAN handle physics, geometry, and planetary motion. Read Liu Cixin's "Remembrance of Earth's Past" novels, I guarantee you'll eat multiple hats.

Overall, a wonderful year of reading. I might get laid off from my job, but I still got my library card and my wits.

[eldritchmochi]

A N T for that alphabet ask game

A - Ships that you currently like a lot. (They don’t have to be OTPs because not everyone has OTPs.) Friendships, pairings, threesomes, etc. are allowed.

okay uuuuh i mean, obviously shadowgast i have only written like 300k of it in the past few years. im also quite the fan of ashrym/dashrym and callowmore (tho i like my callowmore on the platonic side personally). i will happily make the dirt wizards kiss ANYONE i do have a widomauk fic in the works and i have an idea for a caleb/yussa fic percolating and theres that one porny art by newt with c3 era caleb paired with ashton and orym that im just :lasereyes: yes i will one day write something for it i stg. also fun fact my First Ship for cr was beauyasha like, ep one. i got like 30 seconds into their first interaction and immediately texted cherry at like two am like PLEASE TELL ME THEYRE A SHIP and lo, they were cannon fucking incredible

outside of cr.... stucky, my beloved, especially with skinny steve because i love that sickly twink; big brother hobie creating Situations for gwen and miles (its hard being wingman to two people when you want them to kiss each other and also theyre idiots); kylux, obvs; rey/finn/poe/rose in basically any combination (i wish i didnt have One Hyperfixation Only type adhd because i would LOVE to write my rey/finn/rose idea where rey and rose are mechanics and finn is having car trouble and then they double team him in the office dont ask me why they have straps in the filing cabinet this is pwp); with hs at one point i would literally randomly generate pwp ideas. i didn't often finish them but it was a good exercise especially in characterization but i was mostly read davekat, daverose, any combo of erisolkat, and davejohn because i fukken pavlov'd myself into liking the ship lmao

shit this is gonna get long here is a read more

N - Name three things you wish you saw more or in your main fandom (or a fandom of choice).

hhhh i am so sorry if this sounds mean but the bulk of why i dont read a ton of cr fic when i was constantly devouring kylux fic largely boils down to two things

1. the technical stuff is eeh and 2. there is just not a ton of nuance in characterization or plot

both results in me being perpetually frustrated whenever i try to read most of what i open. theres been some gems!! theres also been a lot of stuff with promise where i can tell in a couple years the writer will knock it out of the park!!! but theres also a god awful amount where i'm just like that is not how dicks work lmao

i am sure a lot of that is because the cr fandom skews a lot younger than kylux (where folks are like 20-30 on average instead of 35-50 kinda younger) plus cr has a LOT of esl speakers compared to kylux whereas a TON of kyluxers have degrees in literature or library science, so like, it makes sense that there's a difference, but it still drive me bonkers that i cant just open a fic and read it without closing it halfway through because its too one note :I

T - Do you have any hard and fast headcanons that you will die defending? 

nope!! i am very ship and let ship in all regards. there are many things i enjoy (like short!essek or the idea that caleb would and probably has made out with all of his friends) that crop up repeatedly across my fic but i'm down for basically any good faith interpretation and i LOVE when someone writes a weird headcannon so well i have to steal it

there are many letters left of this ask meme if anyone else wants to send me a q!! pls enrich the mochi this is fun

[inkvoices]

"sharper and more brilliant" for the WIP meme please!

Thanks for asking! sharper and more brilliant is a Marvel AU for the (first half of the) book Seveneves by Neal Stephenson - a hopepunk novel set at the end of the world that mainly focusses on a group of people on the International Space Station. By hopepunk, I mean very bad things happen and people work together with some optimism that it's worth fighting for things to be better, despite the fact that a happy ending is not guaranteed. (I started writing this fic in 2020. Is this an emotional support WIP? Absolutely.)

The original plan was a Clint/Nat/Bucky fic set in space. It is currently a sprawling multi-POV team fic with various background relationships including Clint/Laura/Nat that might become Clint/Nat/Bucky at some point. Eventually.

This one is a WIP for two reasons:

It's a research time suck. One of the reasons I love the novel is that it goes into a lot of detail about life in space and projects that into a potential future based on what is currently possible. For the fic to make sense, I need to include some of that content, but I don't want to just copy it, because no, plus the book was published in 2015 so there's been some new science and developments since then. And I love space and the ISS, and worldbuilding, so: RESEARCH. Except, I am a slow non-fiction reader and there is A LOT. But I'm learning things (like that the ISS has an espresso machine) and having fun!

It intimidates me. There are already over 20,000 words and I'm nowhere near the halfway point in my outline. If I ever actually manage to finish this thing it will be the longest fic I've ever written (by miles). The cast is huge and it's mixed POV - currently Shuri, Natasha, Clint, and Jane. And there is so. much. detail. I have to forget about the ARGH when I open the pile of notes and scroll down pages, but once I start working on it again I get sucked back in.

Snippet - near the start of the fic the crew of the ISS are called to a meeting, and Clint is introduced:

“Could’ve been a primordial singularity.” Shuri had to look ‘uphill’ in the curved room to find the speaker. “A small black hole,” Clint clarified at the blank expressions on most people’s faces. “One that zipped through space invisibly and punched its way through the moon and out the other side.” Clint Barton was an inch shy of the maximum height for a NASA astronaut with impressive arm muscles he'd mostly managed to maintain even in space, by making regular use of the ARED (Advanced Resistive Exercise Device) machine. An American astronomer, or as he liked to say ‘an observer of the universe’, Clint was the co-creator of the ‘Look Up’ series of children’s picture books with his wife. He had an approachable way of talking with people and was often partnered with Shuri for interviews and social media events. Shuri appealed to the younger crowd, but she had a habit of getting technical when excited while Clint had a way of making everything sound simple without making people feel stupid, although that could give a deceptive impression of his own IQ. He’d folded his long frame into a seat next to Natasha, leaving the seat on Natasha’s other side free for Shuri to slide into. "Where are you getting this after only four hours?" she complained. Clint winked. "By following the comment thread traffic and joining the ad hoc email lists emerging from that, my young Padawan." “Didn’t anyone ever teach you not to read the comments?”

WIP Ask Game

[raredrop]

i want to express my thoughts on the professor(s)

gonna split this into two (or three bc i do wanna talk about the ai) chunks bc they remind me of two other characters from previous games

first half: the villain’s motive

every pokemon villain (or the closest thing they might have to one considering a lot of them arent....evil per say) has a motive, a reason, a plot, a plan, whatever potato patato 

the professor wanted to bring prehistoric (sada) or futuristic (turo) pokemon to live side the present pokemon with the time machine they worked on with the AI professor but that would prove to completely ruin the ecosystem and who knows what else if they had gotten out (and like one DID get out already, donphan)

the professor hand waves it off as part of nature, and for this i wanna say the professor kinda....in a way reminds me of colress from bw2 in that his whole thing was that it was less he was evil and more that he was just doing things bc it allowed him to do science (not to mention he got to more or less repent for this)

does this make them evil for it? mmmmmmmmmmm???? i wouldnt put him on the same level as most of the other ones (like giovanni or ghetsis, or even the gen 3 team even if in oras they wised up at the end)

i need like a scale of morally grey-ness to see where that goes bc....

there’s the whole PPP that protects the time machine, i mean why go through such measures to set up something that would attack people (i get it was probably bc of everything that happened leading to the professors death) but come on man....

AND the second chunk: arven.

arven arven arven, much like lillie, n, silver, and others before him....arven was neglected by his parent (considering either his mom or dad depending on what version ur playing, walked right on out....which is currently speculated to be the other professor...specially since he looks like both of them) and had to raise himself

hes traumatized for years, he has a jealousy and hatred for the box legendary (until you help him warm up to it) his only close friend is his pokemon who got hurt in the very place his parent is stuck in

and on top of that he doesn’t even get proper closure with his “remaining” parent bc they died (turo means future and sada means past which means THEYRE NOT PRESENT AAAAAAAAA)

but there is the AI.......

my final section: the AI professor

i do wish we had gotten to hear more about the AI, if pokemon did more flashbacks, or maybe a journal from their POV (since theres journals on the way down from the og professor)

It’s very interesting how despite they are more or less a perfect recreation of the professor....they developed on their own after the fact to want to go against the professor’s dream, that it no longer wanted to do what it was even built to do

and while the ai professor does say that the original professor did care about arven....its hard for me to really accept that....but i do think if the ai was allowed to be free maybe they could have cared for him on their own

(which is a whole nother can of worms to think about)

so do i think the professor is evil, i dunno, do i think their neglectful of things outside of their research and dreams and UH ALSO THEIR SON? very much yes

do i think the professor is well written for the role theyre supposed to fill??? i also dont really know? i think the overall story is one of the best but we dont get a lot of time with the professor (both human and ai) until the very end

and my like ideal of a well written pokemon villain (at least in the main games i dont even wanna talk about pmd whogh) is ghetsis....holy heck i still think hes like the worst guy ever (specially since after gen 6 villains got more not completely evil, and even then i think lys was pretty weak. but even then i think some are just written worse than others even if they arent fully evil COUGH ROSE COUGH)

so i dunno, if theres dlc and we learn anything more maybe i’ll have more thoughts, maybe they wont even cover anything else about the professor...maybe i’ll have to wait for something like animation or something to have more info (assuming they dont do to him whatever the heck they did to lusamine in the anime....i didnt even watch the anime and from what i know it was....weird)

and as a final note i hope this doesnt sound like im excusing the professor for what they did, no matter how evil their plan was i dont think it excuses the FACT THEYRE A PIECE OF TRASH PARENT AND ARVEN I AM YOUR PARENTS NOW

[jemtokall]

zack for the hcs ask post?

Oh gosh I didn't expect someone to ask me anything from that post LMAO but I can never say no to spewing my thoughts about mister Zack Fair <3

Headcanon A: what I think realistically —

Has ADHD!

Zack's favorite stim is doing squats!

He catches social cues but will ignore them (exhibit A, the girl at front desk who didn't care for his flirty advances until he became 1st class. Zack probably asked her on a date before and got rejected, and he didn't try again) (exhibit B, very often people tell him that Shinra/SOLDIER is in the wrong and

Gets the zoomies (which is a great quality for a SOLDIER operative)

Gets distracted easily! Look at how many side and fetch quests he has piled up...

2. He gives the gentlest of hugs to his friends, but when it comes to Angeal he gives him the bear crushing hugs

3. BISEXUAL KING <333

4. Naturally had brown eyes before he joined SOLDIER and got mako blue eyes

B: what I think is fucking hilarious —

Zack thought of Angeal as his dad. Sephiroth and Genesis were secondary fathers, so the entire events of Crisis Core felt like a huge divorce (I mean, the events of the game are still painful, but it hurts less by thinking of it as a divorce)

He shows to be grossed out by bugs in game, but I believe he ate them as a child. Gongaga was full of them! He outgrew it when he moved to Midgar and there weren't as many bugs everywhere

Zack adopted several pet fish in his lifetime, all of them eventually died due to Zack being gone for long periods at a time for missions. But Angeal didn't have the heart to break the news to Zack, so he replaced them fish with a googly eyed rock. Zack never knew the difference.

Takes a lot of selfies because he knows he'd gorgeous

C: what is heart-crushing and awful but fun to inflict on friends —

After the events of Nibleheim, the only thing Zack had were Cloud and Aerith. One comatose, and another a memory.

Cloud only due to circumstance since they were in the same boat of being science experiments. Normally we see Zack suspicious towards those in Shinra, even if they were friends before (Cissnei and Kunsel are the two prime examples. Cissnei eventually earned his trust, but Kunsel never got the chance to because there's limited things he can do through text.)

Aerith was his only connection outside of Shinra, if anything, he sympathized with her since she was under the Turks watch. The two never talked about it, but they didn't talk about a lot of things. There was always an unspoken escapism that they found within each other. But 4 years is a long time, and the reality of that hit him when he found her 89th letter.

He couldn't even reconnect with his parents, who he hasn't seen since he was 14yrs old. Shinra took that away from him too.

2. After the Wutai War and Angeal disappeared, Zack ate apples more often to feel connected to him. (He couldn't find Dumbapples so he made do with red apples.)

3. After Angeal's death, Zack changed his hairstyle to represent his growth, but it's slicked back to resemble his late mentors hair.

4. He really wanted to see Sephiroth as a friend, but Sephiroth closed himself off too much for them to make a real connection. But that doesn't mean that Sephiroth didn't care, just that he kept Zack at arms length.

D: what would never work with canon but the canon is shit so I believe it anyway —

I would've loved to see him in a team setting! Because I headcanon that he's so used to working as a lone wolf (or in a unit) that he has a hard time working as a part of the team. He's always given or taken orders! He would likely butt heads with whoever else tried to give orders, if he didn't ignore it entirely and run in head first.

I said it before but BISEXUAL KING I would love to see him flirt with a guy in canon :') he came close with Kunsel but it was written off as a joke ("I love you man!" @Kunsel )

I hc him as native american because I'm indigenous and he's just like me fr look at his black hair its practically canon

[subtletruamadumping]

Random Bits; Memory Games (2)

______________________________________________________________

"Memory Games" was supposed to be the sequel to "Cloak and Dagger" (an actually completed NANOWRIMO project from 2016ish). The ensemble cast finishes the first book by getting out of the first round of puzzles and the second book sends them to a whole new realm of loyalty tests, surprise revelations, and... memory games...

Also, yes, the main character's name is Hannibal... not after the cannibal. I hadn't even heard of that when I wrote this. She was named after the guy with the elephants (and the guy from the A-Team... I had a thing for a minute where I wanted to have all of the main cast of the A-Team mentioned somewhere once in my works).

TW: Torture, Violence, Abuse

Written around 2016, but I don't know the exact date.

____________________________________________________________

The stillness in the room was broken by a soft whimper. Felix and I both looked up, then at each other. We listened intently. We heard it again.

“What was that?” He breathed at me as I rose to my feet.

“I think it’s Hannibal.” I whispered back. Sure enough, when I looked over at her, she was moving slightly in her sleep. If she had been on the ground, she would have been tossing and turning.

“What’s the matter with her?” He asked, now getting to his feet, as well.

“A bad memory.” I guessed “I think she’s having a nightmare.” We took a few steps closer as her breathing came heavier and her movements became more violent.

“If she gets too scared, she might wake herself up.” I muttered to myself.

“What are we going to do?” Felix looked over at me.

“We have to keep the dream going.” I dictated “Help her stay asleep, so she can process the memory.”

“How are we going to do that?”

“Here, pull her down a little.” He took her legs and I her torso and we brought her a little closer to the ground. She gave another soft whimper and tossed her head to the side.

“Try to keep her still.” I ordered, then put my hands to the sides of her head. I tried to soothe her, to keep her mind asleep, but the memory was wreaking havoc. It seemed to be fighting to wake her while I was fighting to keep her asleep. I tried to push the dream away and, to my shock and horror, it flowed into my own head.

It was Hannibal’s memory, but it was also mine, now. The memory had split and shared itself between the two of us. Though I could see and feel everything that was happening in it, it wasn’t truly mine. In this memory, I was Hannibal.

I never liked rats. I’ve never liked the squeaking they make, or the feel of thier fur, or the ways their eyes glint in the light. Still, Caesar insisted on continuing the experiments on the rats and someone had to keep them alive. It was my turn to feed them and, no matter how many times I told Caesar I didn’t like the rats, he never let me skip.

Next to the rat cage were several syringes full of the anti-stardust drug. It seemed strange to me to keep those lying around, but I wasn’t in charge. If I was, there would be so much different that this place would probably be unrecognizable. I continued to look around the room, stalling on my chore. It should have been really simple. Grab the little pebbles of food, open the door, throw it in, close the door. It wasn’t rocket science. I sighed a little, trying to gather the willpower to just do it.

“Tough day?” I turned to see Cesar at the door.

“No worse than usual.” I replied, keeping my tone even, though it unnerved me that he was here. I didn’t like that he was asking since he was the one that made the days tough for me. It seemed like he was trying too hard to be nice, to be friendly. 

“Of course.” He said, giving me a smile. The uneasy feeling grew as he took a few steps deeper into the room. He was probably made at me for taking too long. It was weird that he didn’t just say so. What was with all this smiling and soft words?

“Can I do something for you?” I asked, turning my back on him, trying to give him the hint that I didn’t really want to talk. I heard his footsteps behind me and thought about how far it was to the door. Maybe, if I screamed, Oryian would come find me.

Oryian? That was my name. What was I doing in Hannibal’s memory? It continued without me being able to press this point.

His footsteps were still coming closer as I finally found the bag of rat food. I brushed some hair behind my ear when he came up behind me. I tried not to give a sigh of relief when he took a few steps to the side, away from me. The relief was gone when I saw him lightly lay a finger on one of the syringes out of the corner of my eye. What was he doing? I opened the bag, pretending not to notice.

“Have there been any new breakthroughs with the anti-stardust drug?” He asked casually. 

“You’re the one who reads all the reports.” I said evenly “If anyone would know, it would be you.”

“You talk to Ash more often than I do.” He argued. 

“Maybe you should work on that.” I snapped “Besides, it’s not like he’s the one who runs the experiments. What makes you think he would know anything more than the rest of us?”

“Just tell me what you know, then, if it’s the same  as all the others.”

“It’s the same as it’s always been.” I told him, trying to keep my voice steady “Instantaneous eradication of any stardust in the system. It takes a few hours for stardust to begin being absorbed by the body, again. No other effects on the subject. Hence why we still have to feed the rats.”

“They haven’t found a way to make it permanent?” I looked up at him sharply.

“That’s not what they’ve been experimenting.” I reminded him. He gave me an assuring smile that had the opposite effect.

“Of course.” He said again. After a brief second of silence, I went back to the rat food, though I moved much faster, now. No more stalling for me. Almost as soon as I turned, I felt his fingers curl around my wrist. I didn’t waste any time yanking myself out of his grasp. I took a step backward, towards the door. 

“What’s the matter, Katie?” He asked in a sickeningly sweet voice “Not afraid of me, are you?” I took another half-step back, getting ready to throw a ball of fire at him. To my surprise, when I tossed it, it bounced harmlessly to the side, overturning a table. My eyes widened and I gasped softly.

“Oh, did I forget to mention?” He purred, waving his fingers and making one of the syringes float into the air “Apparently, direct contact with stardust isn’t the only to get the effects. You just have to be in the general vicinity day after day after day.” He lunged at me and grabbed my wrist, again. I threw more fireballs and kicked and screamed, but before I could do any of these effectively, he jammed the needle into my arm. I screamed and squirmed, but he held me tightly in place. He finally dropped the syringe to the ground and I could feel it. The effects were instant. I didn’t have any stardust.

Knowing I now had no powers to stop him, I began to kick and hit and scream at the top of my lungs. His grip was like iron around my wrist and now my other arm and I couldn’t break free. My strength was no match for his and now he had powers that had to be calculated in. I couldn’t get out, so I threw my head back, instead, directly into his face. He cried out and let go of my wrist, so I grabbed the nearest thing, a microscope, and smashed it down on his head.

This got him to release me, so I made a beeline for the door. I jumped over tables and pushed chairs out of my way, hearing him cursing behind me. My hand was inches away from the knob, when I suddenly froze in mid-stride. I hadn’t stopped of my own accord and I couldn’t force my limbs to move, now. No matter how hard I tried, I just stayed there, still reaching out for the door. I was stuck.

“You’re not going anywhere.” I heard Cesar give an angry growl from behind me. I could hear him walking towards me, again, though I couldn’t turn my head to look. No doubt, he was the one who was making it impossible for me to move. He was like Ash, now. My heart pounded in my chest as he took his sweet time coming over to me.

“You know, you’ve always been the one to cause me the most problems.” He snarled as he inched forward “Always the one to question my authority, always trying to bend and break the rules. You even turned Ash against me.” He gave a dry laugh and finally came into my view. He had one arm outstretched towards me, hand clenched into a fist. He was still holding me in place.

“I thought I would need you kids.” He continued “I thought you were the only ones who would be able to handle the stardust. But, now...” He looked down at his fist, a smile flickering on his lips. My only hope was that during this monologue someone had decided to come for me. Maybe they had heard me screaming. Maybe they realized I was taking too long to do a simple chore. Maybe they had seen Cesar coming into the room after me. Unfortunately, Cesar was more self-aware than I knew. His other hand came up, now. He pointed it at me, too, then slowly closed it, like he was crushing something. Pain instantly shot up my leg, starting from my ankle, making my eyes sting with tears. I wanted to scream, again, but I couldn’t.

“It was an accident.” He announced “You were getting ready to feed the rats. You tripped on a chair and fell in. You fell on your ankle. It broke and you couldn’t climb back out. You really should have been more carefull. Such a shame. Ash is going to be devastated.” Tears were racing down my cheeks, now. He released my ankle, not that it mattered, and started towards me. He released the rest of me and I screamed in pain as I stepped down on my newly injured ankle.  He didn’t wait for me to even catch my breath, but grabbed a fistful of my hair and started dragging me to the rat cage. I, again, started screaming and thrashing, hot tears cascading down. I was no use, though. I wasn’t strong enough. It took him no time at all to haul me over to the cage door.

“Tsk, tsk, tsk.” He clicked his tongue “You took too long to feed them. Look at that, they’re starving.” I wailed as he forced my head through the door. The rodents all squeaked and scampered around, eyes glinting. I begged him to stop, to let me go. I sobbed and thrashed, but he still held me still.

“If you’re lucky, Oryian won’t be the one to find your skeleton.” He growled in my ear. With one hard shove, he pushed me down into the pit. 

The rats were on me as soon as I hit the ground. All I could feel was fur, claws, and teeth. I screamed and kicked and swatted, but more and more came. I gagged as I felt fur against my tongue. Cesar said something, again, but I didn’t hear him over the sound of the squeaking in my ears. They tore at my skin and my clothes, tugging at my hair. The door closed with a loud slam, locking me in the darkness. I screamed and screamed and screamed and screamed.

Thankfully, the memory came to an abrupt end. It faded and a new one leaked in, replacing the feeling of terror with calm, soft, warm feelings. The scene changed to a garden filled with glowing lights and I let go of her. I didn’t need or want to view any more of her memories. I had seen much more than I wanted to just to help her.

[djsadbean]

drtwobrains headcanons list

dtb bought an orange tree bc his doc told him with his "cheese only" diet, he's for SURE gonna get scurvy

he and chuck like to get on calls together when their favorite shows come on so they can make jokes about it together (chuck loooves dtb's jokes)

when they're just hanging out, his henchmen (sometimes) and chuck call him steven

the way his personality is split is that his mouse brain is evil and aggressive when cheese is involved

and his human brain is very easygoing and sincere when cheese is not involved (like in that ep where his henchmen chose the crimes for the day)

he's in his late 20's with a Ph.D. because he was able to skip a few grades (and in uni his research on humane animal testing earned him spots in advanced classes)

his lab coat, unfortunately, makes him look as flat as a pancake (even tho he's not LOL) and it makes him a little upset

the "powers" gained when becoming part mouse are: sleeping on the ground is suddenly super easy, has urges to climb onto things, he can no longer puke (rodents physically cant puke)

if he falls asleep at his workstation, his henchmen will bring him to his bed (it's in the contract)

for his henchmen and chuck, he has their friend's and family's numbers so he can call about gifts to make sure he gets them something better than everyone they know LOL

after miss power left, he set up a permanent telescope with word girl on speed-dial in case she ever came back

he also attends a miss power victim support group (he claims it's for his henchmen but that chick was SCARY dude he almost got laser-eyed)

he has a grocery store membership

he has another superhero guidebook draft that was supposed to be released but he never published it and sometimes goes back to read it

he's forced himself to learn how to make some of the food that his henchmen like

he likes wearing his lab coat all the time because it feels like having a tail to help his balance

his old barber stopped servicing him bc he kept trying to raid the staff fridge so now chuck's mom cuts his hair

he will occasionally help word girl with her science homework and "steven" will be a lot more present

he will hold a grudge FOREVER and it always takes a lot of convincing from chuck to invite the butcher to his birthday parties

his lab coat pocket is for his mp3 player (tis the early 2000s) he loves singing but is super bashful so he kinda only belts when he thinks he's alone

he uses strawberry-scented hair products bc it pairs so well with cheese

he never paid taxes as steven boxleitner and he never plans to change that

he keeps almost getting into brawls with the mayor at bars and he's not even drunk yet

his henchmen have to carry him out before he lands a punch bc they just want one night to have fun and drink

he sends anonymous letters to the mayor's office with things like "i know what you did" written in magazine letters

this feud started because the mayor approved a local tax increase on dairy products to help fund a new word girl statue

he also broke into the mayor's office to place glen on the city's crime watchlist

glen sends him christmas cards and dtb's henchmen send one back without telling dtb bc they feel bad

he's been thinking of writing a supervillain guidebook but has decided against it since there's little to no chance it would get picked up

🧀"chuckles, can we PLEASE come over?? I forgot to pay my power bill and our show is on tonight" 🥪"my mom said yes but you're not allowed to eat in my room anymore"

chucks mom will take her car to two brains before a mechanic bc he never tries to sell her anything, just fixes it or makes improvements

surprise!! the station wagon now has a mini-fridge for cheese

his family stopped talking to him bc of his extreme criminal tendencies but his sister still invites him over

that's why he and his henchmen were invited to his niece's graduation

he likes chuck's mom a lot because she never judged him like his own family did

he keeps souvenirs after each team up

he sleeps on the side of his bed just in case any mice running around the warehouse get cold and want to sleep somewhere warm for the night

add more in the tags if u have good ones!! :D

[miekasa]

six thirty

+ pairing: armin arlert x (fem) reader

+ genres and warnings: college au, enemies to lovers… kinda… in a very nerdy academic rivalry kind of way, me being a comedian you’re welcome, fluff, smut/nsfw content

+ word count: 5.6k… pls say sike

+ notes: shout out to ryn​​ for listening to me during our very many rambling sessions and also for extorting me into posting this. consider it a late birthday present for my favorite menace </2

+ side notes: no i am not a part of armin nation and i never want to be, nor do i wish speak of this again.

Armin Arlert is the perfect student. Prompt and well prepared during lecture; smart and insightful during office hours; the apple of any teacher’s eye. Unfortunately for him, so are you.

If you asked Armin, you were a little too clever for your own good, and liked to make it very well known that you believe you’re the smartest person in any room you walk into. That may be true, but it doesn’t mean that he has to sit there and worship your superiority complex. 

If someone asked you, you’d say that Armin was a know it all, and a manipulative little piece of shit. Again, not a completely false statement, but perhaps a slightly biased character analysis.

Neither of you are wrong. It’s why you’re both the bane of each other’s existence.  

There’s a noticeable grimace on your face, chin in your palm, elbows resting atop your desk, as you turn your head to where, sure enough, Armin is seated where he always is: first row, right side, directly in front of the podium, like perfect little teacher’s pet he wants to be. He doesn’t have any books to unpack like everybody else because a shiny, blue iPad is propped up on his desk in place of all of that. He’s robably looking through his pre-written list of showboaty questions to ask during lecture. Like he’s a cut above everyone else.  

Maybe some of the other morons in this course, but not you, that’s for damn sure. You bet that if you broke his thousand dollar tablet he wouldn’t think he’s such hot shit anymore. Maybe that would knock him down a couple of pegs.

“Look at him sitting there with his stupid blue eyes, and his stupid Bieber haircut, and his stupid, shiny blonde hair, and his stupid fucking glasses. I bet they’re not even real and he just wears them to—”

“Did you just call his hair shiny?”

You snap your head to your left, “What—no, of course not. I said shoddy, he’s probably a bottle blonde. Maybe all the chemicals from the hair dye seeps into his head and warps his sense of reality.”

“I’m pretty sure you said shiny.”

“Shut up, Annie.”

She raises an eyebrow at you, “You got something against blondes? Because your track record would beg to differ.”

“Once. We kissed once, and it was truth or dare, and we were both sloshed.”

“You still chose me,” she reminds you, pulling her notebook out of her backpack.

You huff, ignoring her words and turning your head back to Armin, this time finding him twirling his stupid fucking expensive Apple Pencil between his fingers like it’s nothing. You can feel your eye begin to twitch.

Perhaps he can, too—or maybe he can just feel your eyes boring holes into him—because he turns in your direction and ceases his pen twirling the moment you make eye-contact. More students filter in, walking past your line of vision, but each time they move, you and Armin meet gazes again; neither one of you daring to look away, a palpable tension between you.

His eyes might be icy blue, but you can see the rose pink tint underneath his skin, even from the distance; a familiar blush that spreads across his nose and cheeks. You exhale with a silent laugh, breaking your eye contact before he grows completely red, just in time for Dr. Zöe to start the lecture.

Everybody thinks that Armin’s so brilliant, so smart, so untouchable. You know that his only genius is that he’s fooling everyone into thinking that he’s the kind, humble, little nerd boy who wouldn’t harm a fly, when that’s far from the truth.

Armin is mean. He’s competitive and possessive and snarky and sly. He’s the definition of a wolf in sheep’s clothing, but you’re pretty sure the only person in the world who might believe that is Eren. Though, you’ve heard some of the insults Armin throws Eren’s way, and they’re not exactly soft. Granted, that’s a factor in any friendship, and most of his jabs are coated with a layer of intellect the brunette likely doesn’t understand, but that doesn’t make Armin any less sarcastic. It just means Eren’s too dumb to know what’s going on.

Poor kid. Maybe it’s for the best.

That’s all to say that Armin is nothing but a big talker—not even; a smooth-talker, is more like it. He comes across as perfect, all good and sweet and soft, because that’s what he lets people see. Nobody else looks through to the sharp tongue and ragged edges, because they’re too busy cooing over innocent blue-eyed baby in front of them.

But you know that Armin, the one he doesn’t want other people to see: the one that’s so good, he’s bad; so sweet that he’s sick; so nice that it’s cruel. And you know just how much pressure to apply to make his façade crack.

And you intend on doing so.

“I don’t know which formula to use—hey, are you two eye fucking again? Cut it out, I’m trying not to fail over here,” Eren exclaims, poking Armin’s shoulder with his pen.

The jab averts the blonde’s attention back to his friend, eyes wide as he blinks himself back to reality. He curses under his breath when he feels a familiar warmth creeping across his cheeks. Few things piss Armin off like the way he gets red in the face after thinking about you, or even just looking at you, for too long. Whether it’s red out of pure annoyance, or another feeling he tries to push down, it’s irritating, and above all, embarrassing.

He spares one more glance over his shoulder, to where you and Annie are sat a few tables away in the library. You’ve looked away by now, focusing back on your notes, but Armin swears he can still see that irritating smirk on your face from this angle.

He rolls his tongue along the inside of his cheek. He should be able to keep it together around you by now, but he can’t, and it bothers him. You bother him.

“We weren’t eye fucking,” he refutes, turning his back to you completely, “She’s such a little know it all sometimes, s’annoying.”

Eren raises an eyebrow. He knows that you and Armin don’t get along, but he doesn’t understand why. Armin knows almost all your friends, and you definitely know all of his—Eren would even go as far as to say that you and him are pretty close friends—so it’s not a matter of not spending time together. You’re also the two smartest people Eren knows. In theory you should have more than enough to talk about together, but every time you’re in the same room, you hardly acknowledge each other outside of surface level commentary, or glances that border on staring.

Thankfully, the bickering remains in the classroom for the most part. Eren’s seen you and Armin go at, and he’ll be the first to admit that it’s beyond intimidating. Though, a little part of him finds it oddly entertaining, and he can’t help but to be impressed. All the more reason for you two to start playing on the same team. 

Eren thinks the two of you should get to the root of the issue already. Which, if you asked him, has very little to do with your rivaled academic genius, and a lot to do with your lack of it concerning your feelings for each other.

“She’s not that bad,” Eren vouches for you, “I think you two might get along if you ever spoke outside of trying to one-up each other in class.”

“I’m not trying to one-up anybody,” Armin rolls his eyes, a nasty habit he’s picked up as of late, “And if you stopped and used your brain for a moment, then maybe you could solve the problem.”

“I did use my brain!” Eren’s lips fall into an offended pout, “But none of this makes any sense to me! I fucking hate math, you know that.”

Armin sighs, feeling sympathetic for Eren as he slumps into himself defeatedly. He knows that Eren isn’t dumb, but math in any capacity is certainly not his strong suit. He also knows that he shouldn’t give Eren all the answers, but sometimes he needs a little push to get him there. A little bit of added guidance and motivation to keep him going. It’s either that, or he has to trick Eren into doing the work himself, but clearly that method wasn’t working out today.

“You already solved for the activation energy, now you’re supposed to use the Arrhenius equation in the expanded form.”

Eren’s lips fall into a small o-shape, as his eyes scramble across his paper again. “But—how do you—”

“There’s two measurements given for temperature.”

“Oh. Oh, yeah! Okay, right, but then—”

“You have to convert it to Kelvin first or it won’t work. It’s given to you in Celsius.”

Eren furrows his eyebrows together, and then it finally clicks for him. He mutters to himself as he puts his pencil to paper to begin to work through the problem, “How do I convert—”

“Add 273.15 to it. Make sure you put the bigger one first in the equation, or else you’ll get a negative error.”

“You didn’t even do it,” Eren huffs, angrily punching numbers into his calculator, “How do you know it’s right?”

“Because I took this class already,” Armin reminds him, sparing a brief glance over his shoulder, “Isn’t that why I’m tutoring you?”

Eren coughs over his embarrassed blush, “Oh, yeah, right.”

It’s quiet between them as Eren makes a final attempt at solving the equation, carefully and proudly circling his answer when he’s finished. He looks to Armin with bright eyes, and is content when the blonde gives him a reassuring nod, confirming that his answer is correct.

“Well that was a bitch to work through,” Eren sighs, stretching his arms behind his head with a slight yawn, “Chemistry is nothing but glorified math. It’s barely a science.”

Armin shrugs, but he doesn’t disagree. He isn’t the biggest fan of chemistry, unlike somebody else he knows. “Why’d you take chem if you knew it would have so much math?”

It’s Eren’s turn to shrug, slumping back in his chair and running a hand through his hair, “I gotta take all the pre-med requirements… just in case.”

“You wanna go to med school? Since when?”

Eren averts his eyes from his friend, a telltale sign of his bashfulness coming over him. It doesn’t happen often, but Armin knows it’s sincere when it does.

“Dunno. I’m not sure of it, just wanna keep my options open, you know?” Eren replies casually, “Doctors help make a difference and all that, and surgery looks kind of cool. Besides, if my bastard father could do it, how hard could it really be?”  

A gentle smile grows on Armin’s lips, “You can do it. If you really want to, I know you can.”  

Eren’s head snaps up, eyes wide and filled with affirmation and adoration. He relaxes his expression quickly after, but the pink hues are still present, “Thanks, Min.”

From his position he catches eye of another head of familiar blonde hair over Armin’s shoulder, and beside it, your own hair. There’s a flash of a moment when your eyes meet Eren’s, and you offer him a small wave before turning back to Annie to resume doing your homework. Eren barely gets the chance to wave back, but a dopey smile sits on his features at your kind gesture. It fades when he looks back to Armin, once again pondering the animosity between you two.

You and Armin aren’t all that different, you just need to get to know each other better. Actually, Eren thinks that you might make a good couple if you both stopped overthinking it.

“So, what’s the deal with you and (_____)?” Eren asks, bending his right knee to wrap his arm around his leg and rest his chin on top of it, “You act like she kicked your cat.”

“What?” Armin questions, flustered, “What—no, she wouldn’t touch Soup.” 

Eren quirks an eyebrow at that. “I still can’t believe you named your cat Soup.”

“It’s technically a nickname.”

“A nickname for what?”

“…For Miso Soup.”

Eren blinks. “Okay, if she didn’t mess with Soup, then what’s the issue? You scared of her or something?”

“Why would I be scared of her?” Armin asks, tone incredulous; then softer, more subdued, like a kid who doesn’t want to admit they’re wrong, “’M not scared of her.”

“You stare at her like you are—well, you look kind of angry, but also scared. Like, when you see those balloon things outside of car washes. You hate them, but you can’t look away from them—”

“I am not scared of those!”

“You are, and it’s okay,” Eren waves away his friend’s denial, “Oh, I get it—is this one of those things where she makes you nervous, so you respond with anger and sarcasm instead of thinking through your feelings?”

“You’ve been going to therapy for one month, relax.”

“Maybe you two should go to friend therapy and work this out,” Eren bites back, “It probably doesn’t help that she’s always with Annie. They both look like they would murder someone with no remorse. I admit, it is kind of scary… but it’s kind of hot, too.”

Armin spares him an unamused glare. Eren crosses his arms in defense, “What? I’m not wrong. It’s sexy in a scary kind of way, maybe that’s why you’re always eye fucking. I don’t blame you, she’s hot. I would let her and Annie axe-murder me without regret.”

“Eren?”

“Yeah?”

“Shut up and do problem six, I don’t have all day.”

Eren huffs, but flips the page to the next problem, grumbling under his breath as he attempts the, “It’s not as sexy when you’re mean, you know.”

Armin hits him silent.

Tuesdays are Armin’s favorite days because he only has one class. Sure, it’s three hours long, but it’s much more bearable than his usual eight-hour day.

It’s also the one class he shares with you. Which is why he’s always mentally exhausted by the end of it, but physically, he feels like he could punch a wall; all his pent up anger and frustration is channeled into his body and he’s desperate for an outlet for it. It’s a feeling he hates to love.

Annie seems to have cut class today seeing as she’s not next to you; and it’s almost as if it’s emboldened you to mess with him even more than usual.

He bites his tongue as Dr. Zöe enthusiastically uses your latest point as a segue into the final topic of the evening. He made that same point ten minutes ago. You just worded it differently—admittedly, more concisely, but somehow with a little more nuance, than when he had hesitantly proposed it—and, yeah, maybe you made it sound more convincing, but that didn’t mean that he didn’t come up with it first. If his stupid, fancy stylus didn’t cost upwards of $200 he might have snapped it in half.

You’re definitely the better conversationalist, that much he can admit. Words have never been his forte and he hates the way you can talk circles around him, and that there’s so little he can say to make you stop.

He wishes you would just shut up. In fact, he’d like to shut you up himself.

Thankfully, class ends sooner rather than later. Armin finds himself briefly talking with Dr. Zöe afterwards, most other students having taken the opportunity to leave early for the night. To nobody’s surprise, you’re not one of them, having stuck around to talk to the professor, too.

“The two of you should consider lab research this summer,” Dr. Zöe suggests ardently, walking between the two of you as you exit the lecture hall, “I could really use two students like you!”

Armin chuckles at his boisterous professor. He’s known about the research opportunities at their lab for quite some time now, and he knows that you have, too. “I don’t know that lab work is really my strong suit.”

The three of you come to stop at the hallway intersection, the professor now standing across from you and him. You give them a polite smile, “And I’m not sure that collaboration is mine.”

Armin spares a glance just in time to see you flash one of your own in his direction. Dr. Zöe’s eyes flicker between the two students rapidly, a slight squint to their eyelids.

They aren’t quite sure why their two brightest students seem to despise each other. They wish you two would just get along already, so that they don’t have to spend the summer training half-witted chemical engineering majors how to use basic lab equipment; and instead, conduct some actual research.

“Well, I hope the both of you reconsider,” they smile, “I’ll see you during office hours, I presume?”

You two nod in sync, sending the doctor off with happy smile, just long enough until you see that they’ve turned the corner further down the hall

“Had fun stealing my point earlier?” Armin questions, looking your way as you still wave mindlessly, eye-twitching at your polite façade.

“I would call it improvement,” you tell him, not bothering to turn in his direction; still and smiling waving like the professor can see or hear you, “You should stick to showing, rather than saying. You never were good with your words.”

Armin kisses his teeth together. He’ll give you what you want, if that’s how you want it.

In a fit of irritation, he grabs your moving hand by the wrist, and pulls you down the opposite hallway, not caring for your dramatic wailing behind him.

“Hey, Einstein, the exit is the other way, do you have any idea where we’re going?”

“Ever heard of observational learning? Maybe if you shut up for a second, you would figure it out,” he snaps, pulling you further.

There’s a door on the left that Armin knows is unlocked, and he’s quick to open it and pull you inside. Before you have the chance to glance around, he has you pushed up against the wall, jaw forced up and forward.

He could scoff at the small hitch in your breath at his actions, clearly a little too satisfied with being manhandled; but instead, he takes the opportunity to press your lips together. Armin quite likes the feeling of your lips on his; warm and soft and far too welcoming; a rare moment of silence.

“Someone could hear us.”

Or not so silent.

“Then be quiet,” he snarls.

Armin feels your fingers weave themselves into his hair, scraping along his undercut in sync with his lips trailing down your jaw. A groan falls from his when he feels you tug at the ends of the strands, just hard enough to force his face back to eye level with yours.

“You’re the one with the big mouth.”

“You’re so smart, huh. Always got something to say,” Armin lets out a low chuckle, deft fingers running down your sides to squeeze at your waist, “You can be really fuckin’ annoying, you know that.”

You mirror half of his ministrations, letting your right hand trail down his chest barely brushing over the very visible bulge in his jeans, before hooking your index finger under the belt loop, effectively pulling him closer to you.

The smile on your face is dirty, but you’re not laughing like he was, “Do something about it then.”

His blue eyes grow cloudy as he takes a good look at you; slowly rakes over your features, from that stupid, snarky look in your eyes, to your kiss-bruised lips, down to your chest, and back up again. Armin finds himself copying your smirk for all the wrong reasons. But it’s your own fault; you always did like to push him one step over the edge.

“Fine.”

Despite your twisted grin there’s a look in your eyes that’s eager; willing; ready for the taking. That same look you have when you talk over him in class; when you pretend to ignore him around your mutual friends; when you want him to fuck you stupid.

Armin uses his right hand to cup your jaw again, closing the distance between your mouths with a less than gentle kiss. He feels your groans reverberating through his body, waves of heat accompanying them and going straight to his erection. Your arch your back into the kiss, but he forces you backwards, left hand flat against your tummy.

Following suit, he pushes himself against your body, pressing his knee between your legs; the thin fabric of your stockings doing little to prevent your thighs from rubbing against him.

He swipes his tongue over the seam of your lips, earning a frenzied whine when glides his tongue across yours, and teasingly licks at the roof of your mouth. Your tongue is lithe against his, but somehow just as deceptive and sly as always, and Armin would be a fool to deny that he loved it.

There’s a spark flickering in his stomach when you push your center harshly against his; and it’s only ignited further when he feels you bite his bottom lip. A guttural growl escapes him, his right hand moving to your throat with practiced ease, pushing the back of your head into the wall.

He pauses for a moment, drinks in your wide eyes and desperate visage, “You are the single most frustrating person I’ve ever met in my entire life.”

And he couldn’t get enough of it if he tried. He couldn’t get enough of you.

You must see through his words, into the grainy expression of adoration in his eyes, because he can see it filtering into yours, pupils dilating with both want and care.

“Aw, baby, I love you, too,” you pout, leaning forward as best to can to peck him on the lips, “Now, shut me up and fuck me. It’s exhausting being this pretty and smart-mouthed, you know.”

Armin dips his head into your neck, squeezes against the column of your throat with warning until he hears a gasp escape from your lips. He presses gentle kisses into your skin, in stark contrast to the increasing pressure from his fingers, waiting for one last request, and then, finally—“Please.”

He smiles, loosens his grip for a moment, just long enough to hear your pretty panting, before slotting his lips against yours again. Your moans are lewd and sloppy and breathless between kisses, and it makes his dick twitch in his pants. You really are so fucking loud. And he wouldn’t have it any other way.

He uses his free hand to push your skirt up, and subsequently dip past the weak barrier of your tights and underwear. The slightest flicker of his fingers against your center has you choking out a moan, and Armin is forced to press his right thumb harder against your neck.

“Quiet,” he reminds you, “You asked nicely, so I’ll give you what you want. No need to be loud about it.”

He watches you nod with short and restricted movements, a sadistic kind of power washing over him at your eager compliance. He uses his middle finger to rub slow, careful circles around your clit; the feeling of your wet cunt against his fingers, coupled with your wanton moaning only spurs on the throbbing in his pants.

“Armin,” you whine, impatiently; but he expected that of you, “Don’t tease.”

His eyes flash to yours briefly, pressing his lips to yours again to swallow your shuddered moans. He dips his tongue into your mouth at the same time he does his middle finger into your cunt. An obscene moan echoing through the classroom, as Armin feels your body arching into his again; feels your fingers frantically flying to his hair, searching for purchase to anchor yourself on.

He pulls away in time to add another digit and watch you groan underneath him. He pushes both his fingers in to the knuckle, carefully curling them upwards to elicit the prettiest sound out of you. He has to admit, it’s probably his favorite thing to hear come out of your mouth.

He keeps a steady pace, pumping his fingers in and out of your pussy with perfect friction, teetering between letting you moan his name and choking you silent. Your hands are frantic in his hair, grasping and pulling and so, so, desperate, Armin can’t help but to finger fuck you harder.

“You want one more?” he questions, but his voice is taunting, words ghosted over your lips just out of reach for you to kiss.

He can feel your leg trembling against his, see you pupils shaking along with your shaking head. Armin stops to smile; he thought you might do that. He could probably make you cry right now if he wanted to. Maybe later.

“Want you to fuck me,” your words short and ragged, eyebrows raised when he uses his thumb to press lightly against your clit, “Armin, please.”

The blonde shakes his head, “You’re dumber than you look if you think I’m gonna fuck you in a classroom, baby, so if you want to cum now, you better tell me.”

You have the audacity to pout of all things, “You’re mean.”

Armin lets out a breathless laugh. “You like it,” he leans forward to peck you sweetly, “So, what’ll it be?”

“Fine, but I want head later, too,” you tell him, words becoming less firm when Armin teases his ring finger against your slit, “Please.”

Armin hums in compliance, leaning forward to kiss you again, this time with more tact, and he chases your whines when he finally pushes a third finger inside of you.

“Look at you,” he croons breaking your kiss and forcing your head back again, “You take it so well.”

“Ah—fuck, there, Armin—there,” you cry, wet heat squeezing around his fingers in intermittent spasms.

Armin watches your chest heave with desperate breaths, air stuttering to pass from your lips to your lungs with his hand around your neck. He can feel your walls constricting around his fingers, feel your body shaking underneath him when he increases his pace. He curls his fingers again, just right, just until he hears you sing a strained call of his name. And when he feels your nails scraping down the nape of his neck, and the slight weight of your body convulsing, Armin knows you’re done for.

He’s nice enough to fuck you through your orgasm, shallow thrusts of his fingers bringing you to and down from your high as he watches you pant for him. He presses small kisses against your throat, up, up, up, until he’s kissing you, and carefully pulling his fingers out.

He removes his hand from your neck, and slides it down your waist to offer you support. He’s not prepared for your sudden pull on his neck, forcing him into a kiss that conveys your content; he’s quick to raise his left hand, palm meeting the wall to hold himself up against your sporadic actions, chuckling lightly into your kiss. You were always so reckless and happy after an orgasm.

You kiss him like you have him wrapped your finger despite being the one pleading moments ago. You do, so he supposes it’s not unwarranted; and he welcomes your flirtatious kisses despite the annoying blush they always bring forth.

And sure enough, he can feel his face on fire when you pull away. Armin scoffs internally at himself; he really should be able to keep it together around you by now. But when you kiss him like that, you kind of make it hard to think straight.

“You’re so good when you’re not… pretending to be good,” you hum, a blissful, hazy look on your features as you wrap your arms around his neck.

Armin shakes his head with a chortle of disbelief; leans forward to kiss you again, “’M not pretending. I am good.”

“Yeah, you’re such a good little saint that arguing with your girlfriend turns you on,” you taunt him, “It’s okay, Armin, you can admit it.”

He groans, out of shallow annoyance this time, and it makes you giggle. “Why are you acting like you’re not complicit in this?”

“Oh, no, no, no,” you refute with an exaggerated roll of your eyes, “You get turned on by hearing me talk about biochemistry. I like it when you tell me to shut up about it. We are not the same.”

“Yeah, because you look hot doing it,” he tells you, “Speaking of which, Eren called you hot today, so I kind of need you to slip a neurotoxin in his Gatorade.”

“Aw, Eren thinks I’m hot? Tell him I think he’s hot, too,” you bat your eyelashes at him, but Armin only offers you an unimpressed glare in return.

“I think he might be onto us, actually,” Armin notes, affectionately bumping his nose against yours.

“If he’s onto us, then it’s because you’re the one giving it away, not me.”

“Oh, because you could never do anything wrong, right?”

“Right,” you flash him an overconfident smile before reaching up to kiss to the tip of his nose, “See you’re so smart, baby.”

Armin shakes his head again in disbelief. You’re a handful, he can see that much.

“Come on,” he prompts, “We should go, I still have to finish my lab write up, and I know you haven’t started your paper.”

Armin tries to motion you forward, but is stopped when he feels your hand combing through his hair, and sees the genuine spark of concern in your eyes. “The one for your elective? I thought you said you were going to finish it on Monday.”

“I was,” Armin admits, “But then I didn’t.”

“You want me to help you with it?” you offer kindly, pushing his bangs back and letting your hands fall down the sides of his face, palms resting against his ears.

He nods gently, turning his head to press a kiss into your left palm, before wrapping his hand around your wrist, “I can help you outline your paper.”

You nod in return, and Armin spares one more kiss, before pulling your hand away to lace your fingers together.

Thankfully, nobody’s around to catch you exiting the classroom, or see you holding hands as you make your way out of the building and towards the bus stop. This was Armin’s favorite part of any Tuesday; the one time he could hold your hand on campus without the fear of getting caught by your friends.

He reasons that you guys should probably tell them soon, though, especially if Eren might have an idea of what’s going on. You were bound to get caught sooner rather than later. That, or Eren and Sasha would start meddling.

“If you think Eren knows, then Mikasa definitely knows,” you note, swinging your intertwined hands as you walk through the parking lot as a shortcut.

“Maybe if you actually remembered to hide Soup’s toys, there would be less evidence for her to piece together.”

“Yeah, well, maybe if you didn’t forget when your midterms are, I wouldn’t have to emergency cat sit the hour before Mikasa comes around, and there wouldn’t be any toys to hide in the first place.”

“I’m bad with dates, you know that!” Armin pouts, “I don’t say anything when you forget about ten page papers until four hours before they’re due.”

“You’re saying something right now, actually.”

“That’s not what I—you know, you’re so—”

Armin’s quiet when he feels your lips pressed against his cheekily, “Annoying. I know. You like it. You’re not very good at staying mad for very long.”

Armin’s tempted to roll his eyes yet again—he really needs to quit it, or at the very least, get your own temper under control before it’s irreversible and completely rubbed off on him—but takes the opportunity to kiss your forehead, instead.

“You’re lucky you’re cute.”

Your eyes twinkle under his affections. “And that you love me?”

He nods, “And that I love you.”

“And that you’re gonna fuck me before you make me write my paper when we get home, right?”

Armin chuckles and presses another kiss to your forehead, “We’ll see about that one.”

Hange huffs as they make their way through the parking. They always forget their keys in their office, and always, inconveniently park half-way across the campus. In their defense, this parking lot is free, and the one closest to the Medical Sciences building is not. So, really, capitalism is the one to blame for their frequent late night car lot strolls.

They hear two familiar voices bickering just as they’re about to step into their car, and are more than surprised to see their two favorite students walking together. Walking together and holding hands. Wait—you and Armin are walking together and holding hands?

Hange blinks for a moment, drowning out the sounds of the conversation after they see you two kiss. Their jaw practically falls to the asphalt and they might not blink for a full two minutes as they process what they just saw.

Their trance is broken when it finally, finally clicks together, and Hange has to try their hardest to contain their squeals before sitting in the driver’s seat, an overly forceful slam to the car door following. They waste no time fumbling with the pockets of their lab coat to fish out their phone, and make a call to their favorite math professor.

“Levi, I told you Arlert and (_____) had to know each other outside of class! I think they might be dating! You know what this means, right? I can have them both in the same lab without worrying they might start a chemical fire, and I won’t have to hire two brick heads this summer!”

Levi has never hung up a call more quickly in his life.