#i have never once gotten on a plane without having a minor anxiety attack

[noblest-roman-of-them-all]

I just finished rewatching Star Trek 2009 and now I want to claw my own brains out because I won't ever get to space and fly on the Enerprise.

[elsanna-shenanigans]

April Contest Submission #20: Waves and Wonders

Words: ca. 2,500 Setting: mAU Lemon: no CW: mentions of drinking, minor injury

After two years of moving thousands of miles away from home, Elsa learned only one thing about herself: that she would never be able to avoid the love she has for her sister. She couldn’t get rid of the sinful feelings, no matter how far the distance she tries to put in between them. The yearning Elsa has for her sister, Anna, grows stronger with each passing day, and it terrifies her beyond measure. Nevertheless, she is determined to not let her fear ruin what she’s got planned for her sister’s birthday. She asked Anna what she would like for her twenty-first birthday, and Anna’s response was to spend time with her, so Elsa has been busy planning this mini-vacation for the two of them.

Elsa checks her phone for the hundredth time to see if there’s a new message from Anna. She offered to meet Anna at the airport, but her sister had insisted that she’s an adult now and can get to the hotel all by herself.

After staring at her phone intently for a few seconds or minutes, she doesn’t know anymore, a text from Anna finally arrives: Be there in 5!

The text makes her feel both nervous and excited. It’s silly but knowing that she will see her sister again after two years makes her ridiculously happy, and she smiles to herself. She slips her phone into her back pocket and heads down to the lobby to wait for Anna.

The first thing Elsa notices as she steps out of the elevator is how busy it is at the hotel today. She had suggested a less touristy spot like a cabin in the wood where they could enjoy playing board games and catching up on their favorite shows, but Anna emphasized that she wants to spend her vacation near a beach with lots of sunshine and ice cream, so they settled for San Diego, which was only a 2-hour drive for Elsa, and a 6-hour plane ride for Anna.

Elsa makes her way across the lobby, and just as she got to the front desk area, she felt a light tap on her shoulder. Startled, she turned around. And there she is, her little sister is beaming at her, that cheerful, infectious grin Anna seems to reserve only for her.

“Boo!” said Anna, still grinning.

“You know, giving your sister a heart attack at the start of a vacation isn’t the smartest idea,” Elsa said teasingly.

“Oh, come here you.”

Anna pulls her in for a hug she didn’t know she’d miss so much. Elsa hugs her back tightly.

“I miss you so much, sis,” said Anna.

“I miss you too, Anna,” Elsa whispers.

They continue their embrace for another minute or so before Elsa pulls back and reaches for Anna’s luggage.

“Wanna check out the room before we head out for some tacos and soft-serve ice cream?”

Anna gives her the biggest smile. “Yes!”

The taco shack that Elsa had found through Yelp only took the girls a ten minutes walk to get there. They settled for the table tucked at the very corner of the restaurant so they could be further away from the noises and have some quality time to catch up and enjoy their lunch.

“So, how’s work, Elsa?” Anna asks before taking a bite of the fish taco.

“It’s fine,” Elsa responds with a shrug.

Anna gave her a skeptical look. “Huh… that’s an interesting response. I was definitely expecting something more positive than it’s fine.”

“What do you mean?” she asks quietly, dreading where this conversation is heading.

Anna didn’t give her a response right away. Instead, she took a sip of soda and another bite before she mumbles through a mouthful, “Well, you did leave us for this job two years ago; it was so out of the blue, I thought that this is your dream job or something.”

“Anna, I—” Her response was interrupted by a young brunette with an apologetic look on her face.

“Sorry to interrupt your conversation,” said the brunette. “Would it be okay if my friend and I share this table with the two of you? All the other tables are taken, and we see there are two spots left here.”

Elsa looks at Anna, who gave her a shrug, and back at the brunette. “Yes, of course.”

“Thank you so much,” the woman takes a seat next to Elsa, and her friend takes the last seat next to Anna. “I’m Rapunzel, and this is Meg,” said the brunette.

The sisters gave the women a polite smile before they continued with their food in silence.

After a couple minutes of awkward silence, Elsa reminds herself that this isn’t the time for any weirdness and that the goal of this vacation is to enjoy their time together. “So, what do you want to do next?”

“Hm… I’ve always wanted to try beach volleyball,” Anna tells her.

“We need four people for beach volleyball… what about—”

“Rapunzel and I are looking for another pair for beach volleyball if the two of you would like to join,” Meg cuts in.

Elsa closes her eyes and exhales slowly; she could feel her irritation slowly forming, questioning why these strangers kept interrupting them. Still, she pushes her annoyance aside for the time being. “What do you think, Anna?” she asks instead. “We’ve got enough people now.”

When her sister gave her a smile and nodded excitedly, she almost forgot why she was annoyed in the first place.

The four of them make their way to the beach after lunch and split up into two teams. Elsa doesn’t like the idea that Meg gets to decide the teams, and she especially does not like that Meg had paired herself with Anna.

Rapunzel, to Elsa’s surprise, possesses exceptional quickness and agility in her movements. For each time she missed the ball, Rapunzel would spring up from behind her, returning the ball to the other team with force.

“Ready, Elsa?” ask Rapunzel as she picks up the volleyball as it’s their turn to serve.

Elsa gives her partner a nod, feeling guilty that her focus is not on the game at all. Instead, her focus is set on the other side of the net. She couldn’t stop the irritation that spread through her when she saw Meg giving Anna a high five and saying things that made Anna smile. She wishes she could be on the other side and be the one to put a smile on her sister’s face.

Gosh, she really needs to shake off these unhealthy thoughts and set her focus back into the game, she thought to herself.

“Elsa, look out!” she heard Anna yell out before she was knocked to the ground by the damn volleyball.

She must have blacked out for some moments because when she could finally feel her surroundings again and open her eyes, Anna is already beside her.

“Oh, thank goodness you’re okay,” said Anna before she turns to Meg, “It’s not nice to aim the ball at people!”

Meg takes a step back and puts her hands above her head, “Wow, I promise that was not intentional,” said Meg. “I’m sorry, Elsa, are you okay?”

Elsa nods as she slowly gets up from the ground. She catches the concerned look in Anna’s eyes. “I’m okay. Really,” she says with a smile. “It wasn’t Meg’s fault. I really shouldn’t have spaced out so much during such an intense game.”

“And the award for Spaced out Queen goes to… Miss Elsa.” Rapunzel teases.

The sisters bid their farewell after thanking Rapunzel and Meg for spending the afternoon with them and headed back to the hotel.

They spend the rest of their afternoon catching each other up on the events that happened since Elsa left. Anna did most of the talking, of course, but Elsa doesn’t mind it at all. Her stories were more interesting than Elsa’s anyway.

Later that evening, Anna suggests that they head down to the bar for some drinks so she could make good use of her ID now that she’s twenty-one.

When the bartender approaches them for their drink orders and asks to see their ID, Anna was happy to comply.

Elsa chuckles at her sister’s silliness. Oh, how much she’s missed this, Elsa thought to herself. She couldn’t help but wonder how different things would be if they are not sisters. Or better yet, if she could crush this feeling of guilt into a million pieces every time it makes its way through Elsa’s head when she thinks about Anna.

She must have spaced out for some time because she notices two familiar faces at their table when she snaps out of it. God damnit! These people are like cockroaches, Elsa thought to herself.

“You really are the Queen of Spacing Out,” Rapunzel comments as she takes a sip of her drink.

“Oh, hi,” Elsa mumbles.

“So, Anna, you were saying something about computer viruses?” asks Meg.

“Oh yes, did you know that you’re more likely to get a computer virus from visiting religious sites than porn sites?” Anna said proudly. “I learned it from my computer science class.”

“I call bullshit; that can’t be true,” Meg chuckles.

Elsa watches the interaction between the two, finding it harder to ignore the distress she feels with every passing moment.

“So Anna, do you have any plans for tomorrow night?” Meg asks.

This is too much for her. Elsa could sense her anxiety bubbling up, and she must get away before she breaks down in public, worst of all, in front of her sister.

“I got to go,” she announced before rushing out of the bar.

She heard Anna calling after her, but she didn’t stop. She can’t stop. But she wasn’t fast enough, because Anna caught up to her.

Stepping in front of her, Anna reached for her hands and held on to them tightly.

“Elsa, what’s wrong?”

Feeling a lump forming in her throat, not trusting her own voice, she shakes her head instead.

“You’re shaking,” Anna noted, “Was it something I said? Are you okay?”

“No,” she whispers, looking down at the ground to avoid making eye contact with her sister.

Without another word, Anna pulls her away from the lobby area, out the nearest door, and towards the beach, which was just across the street from the hotel.

She notices the beach has gotten less populated with the dawn of the early evening as Anna continues to lead them towards the east side of the beach. Anna stops once they’re far away enough from the tourists. She lets go of her hand then as they turn to face the beach. They remain silent for some time.

After watching the steady rhythm of the ocean waves hitting the sand repeatedly for what seems like forever, Elsa feels herself calm down a bit.

Few more moments pass by before Anna grabs her shoulder, turning her around so they could face each other, forcing her to make eye contact she’s been avoiding.

“What is it, Elsa? Why are you shutting me out again?” Anna asks quietly.

“I… I’m not,” she began, finding it difficult to speak. “I’m a messed up person,” she whispers.

Anna remains quiet, so she continues.

“I’m so sorry, Anna,”

“Why are you sorry?”

She takes a deep breath and continues, “You’re my sister, I can’t—” her voice broke. “I thought by putting some distance between us would make it disappear, and I really believed that it had worked. But when you gave me that hug in the lobby this morning, when I saw Meg getting close to you and her asking you out…” she let out a shaky sigh. “I can’t have feelings toward my own sister. It is wrong, but I can’t help it, no matter how I try to conceal these wicked feelings. I just can’t…” She looks down at the sand, getting overwhelmed by her feelings.

“But I can,” Anna said softly. “And maybe… maybe that’s enough for now.”

Elsa met her sister’s eyes, giving her a confused look.

“Let me start over,” Anna suggests. “I’m going to ask you some simple yes or no questions. You don’t even have to speak— just nod or shake your head, okay?”

Elsa nods slightly.

“Is this about what happened at your birthday party two years ago?”

She nods.

“You didn’t move across the country because you found your dream job, but because you want to run away from your feelings, right?”

She nods again.

“Feelings you know are wrong to have for your own sister, but you couldn’t stop it from developing?”

She let out a shaky breath and nod again.

“So… if I deduced this correctly, you’re… in love with me,” Anna asks quietly.

“God, yes, I—” she whispers, feeling a lump forming in her throat again.

“I told you, Anna. I’m a messed up person. I should be the older sister who would be there for you through all life events, but I can’t, because I realized that I… I want to be more than just your sister. Which is why I had to run. I had to keep my distance.”

“You were acting all weird around Meg because you were jealous of her?” Anna continues with her questioning.

Elsa nodded. “I was,” she said. “I couldn’t help but envy her because I want to be able to openly flirt with you, to be able to ask you out on a date. And be able to take you to that fancy restaurant down the street that serves really delicious maple bars that are even better than the chocolate bars you love so much. And after that, we would take a walk around the park, and you could continue to talk about all things you encountered that day while I would enjoy listening to you.”

“And then?” Anna whispers as she takes a step closer.

“And then… I would…” she paused for a few seconds. “wait for the right moment to lean in and kiss you,” Elsa said shyly. She can feel the heat spread from her cheeks.

Anna takes another step towards her. “And I would say yes,” Anna grins. “To everything on your list.”

“But what about—”

Anna cuts her off quickly before she starts going on the spiral path of incest guilt again. “Let’s just take a little break from being sisters for the rest of this vacation, a break from what’s right and what’s wrong; we could deal with the rest later on,” she smiles softly. “But for now, maybe… we could go through the items on your list because they sound pretty good to me.”

Elsa stares at her sister in disbelief. She couldn’t believe what was happening, but if this was her only chance to be with Anna, then she’ll take it.

“I like this idea very much,” said Elsa, feeling a sense of happiness radiating through her veins. Maybe this feeling isn’t so terrifying after all, she thought to herself before reaching out for her sister’s hand.

[vldadvice]

I’m going to Europe in six weeks now on a school trip without my parents. I only have like 1.5 friends going, (I used to have 2 but I guess things changed…) This will be the first time I’ve left home for so long; it’s a 2 week trip. I get anxious when I’m spending the night at a friend’s house like 15 minutes away... how am I going to survive two weeks in another country?? I really regret signing up and paying six-fucking-thousand dollars because I can’t cancel and I’m so anxious... (part 1)

(Parts 2 - 6) I literally want to cry just thinking about it and my insides get all tangly and bad feeling (u know, that real bad anxious feeling?). The thing is though, I don’t know what I’m so scared of? My parents will be fine at home without me. Sure, there might be a t*rrorist attack or some awful thing but that’s not something I can prevent! I could lose something and that is scary but it’s not what I’m scared of. Maybe I’m scared of being alone the whole time? It’s like everyone else had their friends, including my friends, and I’m really scared of being alone. I’m so used to home - it’s safe and comfortable - that now whenever there’s even a prospect of going anywhere else I become a ball of nerves and tend to back out. I’m going to college soon and that scares the shit out of me, but since the Europe Trip is closer, that scares me more at the moment. I’m so so scared of going away, and I’m scared that my constant paranoia is going to ruin the wholeexperience for me. I feel nauseous even thinking about it… I feel like the plane will lift off and I’ll realize I made a huge mistake and I’ll want to turn around and go home but I won’t be able to and I’ll be trapped. It literally makes me want to both vomit and sob… that’s one of my worst nightmares and fears. It sucks because this is such an amazing opportunity, but I’ll just be alone the whole time, consumed by my own thoughts and fears.I guess what I’m asking is if you have any ideas on how to feel better about this? How to feel less anxious all the time? I feel like I should talk to my doctor or some kind of medical professional but I really don’t want my parents to know about all this, I just have a bad feeling about it. I just want to be able to go on an amazing trip and have a good time but I’m scared I won’t let myself bc I’m so scared, and idek if any of you will be able to help but I needed to tell all this to someone, and you all seemed pretty perfect. Thank you for letting me rant, it helped some. But overall I still feel pretty awful… (That was so hecking long thank you guys so much for reading through all that I’m so sorry but also I really need you)

i know exactly how you feel. my anxiety often gets like this, and one of the best tips i’ve ever gotten to learn to control it is you have to stop the thoughts before they snowball into a big giant ball of wild fears. you have to combat them when they come up, and remind yourself that your anxiety doesn’t control you, and you deserve to let this experience be as amazing as possible. i know that literally seems impossible, but start small. every time something tells you this trip is a mistake, tell that thing that it’s wrong and why it’s wrong. now, about what you could be scared of, it’s entirely possible you’re afraid of all of these things at once and it’s making it hard to pinpoint exactly what’s going on. here’s my advice:

first off, don’t be afraid of being alone on the trip. sometimes being alone is nice. i know it’s also nice to share the memories with other people, but sometimes something happens and it’s so tempting to just feel miserable that you’re alone on your trip and let it knock the whole thing off track. i’ve done this. it’s not fun. so now when i’m alone on trips i like to completely submerge myself in the experience of it all. i keep myself company, treasure the little things i see as i go that i might have missed if i’d have been preoccupied with other people. remember that you’re never alone if you’ve got yourself.

the plane will take off, but do your best to tell yourself (no matter what your anxiety says) that you’re going on an adventure and it’s not a mistake. this is going to be an experience unique to you, and you’re going to learn things and see things and it’s going to be exciting! i know it’s hard, but keeping a positive outlook helps tremendously. 

you and your parents are going to be fine. it’s very very unlikely anything will happen to either of you. remind yourself that just because it could happen, that does not mean that it will, or even that there’s a possibility for it. 

fight the anxiety. i’m dead serious, so i’m saying it again. if you’re afraid that your thoughts and fears are gonna hold you back, fight them with the facts on why this will be a good experience. this is going to be an amazing opportunity for you, you deserve to have fun on this trip! the worst part is going to be the beginning, but as long as you keep your positive outlook, you’ll make it through just fine.

bring a few distractions for when you can’t be constantly combating the negative thoughts. maybe like a book, or a phone game, etc. something that occupies your mind and allows you to recharge.

support yourself! this might seem a little obvious, but it’s important. fighting off anxiety is important but it’s also tiring. just make sure that you’re keeping yourself safe at all times.

i would advise talking to a doctor or some medical professional about your anxiety. you can always ask them to keep what you tell them about it a secret from your parents, doctor/patient confidentiality is a thing, and it applies to teenage minors, too. i hope i could help! -rina