#i have them all blocked now anyways lol good riddance

[kuzakat]

Something really funny about that stupid callout post for me n harpy is that... MULTIPLE people have been reblogging it going Ohhhh so disgusting!!! when... dude YALL ALSO DRAW SLUGCAT R34!!!!!!!! I see you, hypocrites 🫵🏻🤪

[khodorkovskaya]

After I split with my ex, it took me a while to get my head around it, like justifying to myself that I wasnt in the wrong etc andthat the way he was treating me was wrong and I shouldn't feel guilty about breaking it off etc.... I ended up trying to do like a 3rd point of view perspective thing... so like, I would explain everything that happened and how I felt and then try to see it from another point of view so like this other point of view would go. . "So you didnt reply to his message within an hour because you were literally in a college class which he knew beforehand, and he took the huff and wouldnt speak to you for over day as punishment?? You shouldn't not feel bad about ending it" obvs I had more extreme examples too lol but I dony wanna delve into them much it's like baggage ahaha

But afterwards, like when i was over him and had no feelings towards him etc, i thought i was fine and then discovered i wasnt... so like i could meet someone and really like them and find them attractive etc, and their personality and vibe really well and when I started to fancy this guy I was like omg yes thisnis nice and he acc seems a lot nicer than my ex woop woop. But then as soon I started to think about being in an actual romantic relationship with him I couldnt, I felt physically sick and anxious??? I literally couldn't face the idea of a relationship being like my previous one and I realised that while I was over him, I had some other issues as a result of the relationship I had to deal with instead.

I did get over it though

I've actually forgotten the point I was making with this message now so I do apologise for that sorry

But I thought he hadnt cared too, like he would delete every single pic of us literally within an hour of us breaking up.... he blocked me, and things he didnt block me on, he would post stuff like "good riddance" and stuff that basically made out he didnt care and it was all me etc and that I meant nothing to him....... he would add all these girls and shared their photos with hearts etc....

Anyway like a few months later he literally tried to get in touch saying he was sorry and he missed me and thought about me everyday etc and couldnt get over me

I ignored him though and that was that

I guess this is just a bit of a sharing story, I hope it helps in some way????? Sorry if it doesnt though.......

yeah, the looking at what happened from an outsider's perspective is a really good method. makes things a lot clearer and easier to see. and yeah thanks for sharing your story, it makes me feel less alone <3

but yeah, im definitely scared of falling in love again. but i really hope that the next time it happens, im gonna be more mature and sensible and things will be clearer for me. i mean obviously that's gonna be the case cos i fell in love with B when i was 17 and even now things would be different. but the thought of being in a relationship any time soon makes me very anxious. i think my next serious relationship is gonna be in like 5 years from now. for now the vibe is celibacy all the way!

i wonder how i would feel if B reached out to me again. bc i know it's very stupid of me, but it makes me sad that he didn't try to get me back, you know? like he didn't fight for me. he tried a little bit and maybe i have high expectations, but it didn't feel like it was enough. a deep dark side of me wishes he suffered more. and don't get me wrong, he did suffer. i left him without a warning and i still feel terribly guilty about that. the night i left he stood outside my parents' balcony and shouted my name and thinking about that makes my skin crawl. i feel awful. but at the same time something about that was so satisfying bc it felt like he had finally acknowledged me and my feelings.

but idk. maybe im spiteful and vengeful. and sadistic. but i fantasise about him begging me on his knees to take him back and crying and sleeping by my front door and following me around like a puppy dog asking for forgiveness. the last time we saw each other and had sex i strangled him, wishing i could actually choke him to death. i wanted to see despair in his eyes and absolute submission to me. like finally, after all the suffering i had endured, finally i could have full control over him and make him mine. you know?

but he never fought for me. and from a sensible perspective, that's good. he accepted my rejection and left me alone. and that kind of things requires great discipline, so good for him i guess. im thankful for that. but from like a twisted toxic perspective, i wish he'd message me saying that he misses me.

[makeste]

BnHA 6th Popularity Poll Reaction Post - Risky Spoiler-Dodging Edition

hey guys, so seeing as the results from the 6th popularity poll were leaked today, I figured I would do a separate reaction + analysis post this year, rather than piling it in as an extra on top of the chapter reaction post tomorrow. I figure this makes more sense anyway, since they’re really two completely different things. also this way I can write as much as I want lol.

also, just fyi, I am still completely unspoiled for chapter 293. and probably the smart thing to do to keep it that way would be to log off tumblr and hold off posting this until tomorrow, but I apparently have no impulse control today so oh well. anyway, so I’m hoping you guys will keep this spoiler-free if you don’t mind! as always, I would prefer to just jump right in completely unaware tomorrow like Troy returning to the study room with the pizza boxes lol.

okay so this first part is just going to be my predictions. fyi I am writing this part on Wednesday night, and then I’ll add on the results part on Thursday or Friday (ETA: Thursday, apparently, since I am impatient.)

okay so first of all, just as a refresher, this poll was open to Japanese voters from Aug 3 to Sep 30. meaning chapters 279 through 285. meanwhile last year’s poll took place around the tail end of the MVA arc. so between then and now we had Heroes Rising, the Endeavor Agency arc, and the War arc up to the part where the 1-A kids took on Gigantomachia in Gunga, and started battling Tomura in Jakku. so technically only a couple of arcs, but a LOT of stuff going down in them. oh and season 4 of the anime as well

so! firstly, I predict that my truculent africanized honeybee son will hold on to his crown at #1, coming off a year in which he did some internship-boosted soul searching, borrowed OFA in movie canon, and finished out the voting period as the my-body-moved-on-its-own character development MVP. like CALL ME CRAZY lol, but I’m pretty sure his title is safe. and then after him will be Deku and Shouto as usual

Aizawa should hopefully also have a strong showing because the dude had a banner fucking year. reunited with his old dead friend, took on Tomura with his hopelessly inept hero pals, and then chopped his fucking leg off. he had better be in the top 10. his fucking leg died for this, idk what else he has to do

Endeavor also stands a decent chance of doing well given the internship arc and the final episode of season 4. which I’m sure will go down just swimmingly if that does happen lmao. especially if he somehow manages to rank higher than...

Dabi, which I don’t think he will btw, but you never know. anyways though, but I’m thinking Dabi’s going to have a stronger showing than in past years (in the last poll he only got 367 votes and was ranked 19th). mostly because of his fight in the Gunga mansion, and his cheekily censored name reveal to...

Hawks, who is also going to rank pretty high here, I think. might be he loses some points for killing off Twice, but his back was basically to the wall there. and he has always been very popular, and I think season 4 will also give him a boost, along with his heavy involvement in the first half of the War arc

Tomura was already in 6th place last year and I think he cracks the top 5 this year. he’s gotten exponentially more popular since the MVA arc, and got a boost in the last poll even though his flashback had only just barely happened, and he hadn’t finished Awakening yet and all that stuff. anyway, so he’s only gotten cooler and more tragic since then so I think he makes a big play here

Kirishima, Momo, Tokoyami, and Mina should also hopefully do well, since the poll opened right in the middle of all that Gigantomachia action, and Toko had just got done being an absolute badass and protecting his birb dad. I don’t think he’ll quite make it to the top ten, but he should

and last but not least, I’m hoping that Mirko will come out and take the polls by storm, although I have no clue how popular she is in Japan lol. she’s clearly Horikoshi’s favorite though. she SHOULD be everyone’s favorite, but I mean, we’ll see how it goes

anyway that’s it as far as predictions! and so now, through the magic of writing stuff at different times, we will fast-forward to the part where we actually find out the results!

OH MY GOD YES, STEAMPUNK KHLKSLLKL. HERE FOR IT. JOLLY GOOD SHOW. 5 STARS

Kacchan looks SO COCKY and SO HAPPY and SO ADORABLE, YES I SAID IT. he is adorable as FUCK. I don’t quite know what it is about this particular Kacchan that just screams “LOOK HOW FUCKING CUTE MY STUPID, LOUD SON IS WITH HIS BIZARRE WINDOWPANE-LOOKING CONVERTIBLE SUNGLASS GOGGLES and his POORLY TIED CRAVAT”, but I think it’s because he looks like if a Digimon character and a FMA character had a baby

anyway, so it looks like most of the people present here are more or less who we expected to see. except that I can’t tell for sure if that’s Dabi or Shindou, and if it’s Shindou I’m going to punch somebody in the face so you will have to excuse me

Iida wearing a TRENCHCOAT and a TOP HAT with ENGINE EXHAUST GOGGLE ACCENTS is my new favorite Iida of all time. take note how there is no possible way he can wear those goggles with them sitting on top of his hat like that. plus he’s already got glasses on. these are just purely for aesthetic and IF THAT AIN’T JUST THE STEAMPUNK WAY

Deku out here speaking softly and carrying a lead pipe. Kacchan you best look out. seems like he’s done watching you take first place year after year while he languishes in the number two spot. your only hope is that he trips while attacking you because his boots are unbuckled

Shouto’s standing over there with the rest of the non-first-and-second-place characters, but what are the odds his results are actually within spitting distance of Deku’s same as always. anyway he doesn’t mind, though. also his outfit is by far the most sensible one here, but if you look closely he’s got some sort of fire extinguisher/jet pack thing strapped to his back that’s got a control switch on his belt. Shouto are you jetpacking or putting out fires

Kirishima out here all “I’m not sure what steampunk is so I’m just going to take off my shirt and pose”

AIZAWA WITH THE EYEPATCH SKLKSDLKFJLSKJLDFKJSLDFFJLDKSJFL:KS. SIR. SIR. also, lowkey furious that Horikoshi refuses to show us the automail leg that he is clearly sporting here but which we just can’t see, SHOUTO MOVE GODDAMMIT

Endeavor has TWO fire extinguisher-slash-jetpacks. THE BETTER TO... WHATEVER. look at you here in the top ten again. you really live for that controversy

HAWKS OUT HERE WITH HIS STEAMPUNK BEATS BY DRE AND HIS WEARING A RING ON EVERY FINGER. nice to see you’ve still got your wings there, kiddo. then again Deku still has both of his arms too so who even knows what is going on

BUT SERIOUSLY THOUGH, IS THIS DABI OR SHINDOU. as if I don’t know the truth deep down in my heart. y’all I am gonna flip lmao. it’s not that I dislike Shindou, strictly speaking. but just... I can’t explain what it is, but if you put him and AFO next to each other and told me “you can only punch one”, I would be having a serious crisis. just, THIS FUCKING GUY, idek. STOP SMILING

Tomura looks like he just wandered onto the set here by mistake and has no idea where he is or what is going on. it’s because you’re wearing a bigass severed hand that’s blocking your entire view, Tomura. just take the hand off your face my sweet murder dumpling

anyway! so I managed to also find a link to the full poll results while somehow managing to avoid spoilers, and then I wanted to compare the results to last year’s poll, and so I made... this

hopefully you can all see this. if you’re on desktop you might be screwed, but on mobile you should be able to click and enlarge it. I mean, assuming you actually give a fuck about boring poll analysis spreadsheets lmao

anyway, so there were actually 13k fewer votes cast this year which is a bit of a surprise. is the series not still growing in popularity? do people apparently have better things to do during their quarantine lol

anyways but despite this, and despite getting 8k fewer votes overall, Kacchan still managed almost twice as many as his closest competitor. well fought, Deku. please put down that pipe

I somehow always underestimate the power of ship popularity to influence these things. but for example, it looks like Present Mic got that Vigilantes Trio bump. ride that wave for all it’s worth my man! hell, you got me on board

Iida fucking Tenya somehow got some sort of POWER BOOST out of NOWHERE which I can’t explain at all lmao, but I’m here for it. NOT BAD FOR AN OLD MAN

Sero managed to get the exact same number of votes in both 2019 and 2020. clearly the most loyal fans in the business

Mirko being all the way down at #20 is, of course, a travesty, and I hereby nominate her to be the one to punch Shindou in the face

ngl though, the lack of a single female character in the top ten hurts just a bit. it’s not overly surprising, but still. the worst part of it is that even if you kicked Shindou to the curb and moved everyone else up one slot, it would still be all dudes since Mic beat out Momo by a margin of a little more than a hundred votes. hard to stay mad at Mic for too long, though. ah well

Tomura actually lost a bunch of votes which is a genuine surprise to me. I know the villain standom isn’t as dominant in Japan as it is in Western fandom, but still. you can go ahead and punch Shindou too I guess

Tokoyami lowkey doubled his vote count over the past year while hiding down there at #18. he is slowly becoming more powerful. biding his time

anyway so I think that’s it! I mean not really, but I’m getting kind of tired lol. so just, you know, insert the usual gripes at Overhaul’s ranking here, although we can be happy about Magne making her way onto the list (r.i.p.), and Mineta and AFO taking a very satisfying slide down (all the way out, in AFO’s case; good riddance you bum). Hadou also got a huge boost which is awesome. Mustard’s persistent ownership of the #36 spot will forever remain a mystery to me, but oh well

anyways, this was fun. and I really do feel like everyone is looking away on purpose so that when Deku brains Kacchan with that pipe in about two seconds from now, there will be no witnesses, oh my fucking god

[skzsauce01]

Sun-blocked!

Description: Your best friend whom you have a secret crush on helps you reject a guy who won’t take a hint... by pretending to be your boyfriend.

Warning: cliche-ness

Word Count: 3.5k

Pairing: fem!reader x Han Jisung

Happy Valentine’s Day! Special thanks to a fellow bear for the inspiration.

“Y/N, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing; I’m fine,” you reply, but your eyes stay glued to your cellular device.

“Y/NNNN.”

“Wha-what?” Your head snaps up, finally aware that your best friend and secret crush is talking to you.

Jisung frowns again after he recovers from your flusteredness. “Is something wrong? You look troubled.”

“It’s nothing… it’s just, there’s this guy--”

Jisung’s heart drops upon hearing you speak about a male. “A-a guy? As in, a boy?”

“Yeah, Kim Jaegeun,” you nod. “You know, the guy whose father’s a huge benefactor of this school and gave out the scholarship you’re on?”

Jisung lets out an “ah” to confirm his recognition. 

You continue. “Unfortunately, he’s also been flirting with me non-stop. I’ve been trying to get him to leave me alone, but he hasn’t been taking any hints.”

Your friend lets out a silent sigh of relief after hearing your feelings about him. “How long has this been going on?”

“Two weeks.”

“TWO WEEKS?” he exclaims. “And you didn’t tell me, your bestie best friend?”

“I was hoping he’d leave me alone before he even became an issue,” you grumble.

“So what now?”

With a sigh, you tell him, “I’m meeting him Saturday for coffee.”

“Like a date?” Jisung scoffs with a whisper of jealousy. “I thought you didn’t like this guy.”

“I don’t, but like I said, I’ve been putting him off for two weeks; I’m running out of excuses.”

Jisung thinks for a second. “I’ve got an idea.”

“What?”

“You want him off your back, right? Give me your phone and you’ll see.”

The way he is smirking makes you nervous, but you give it to him anyway. He quickly snatches the device from your hand and swipes his thumb over the screen a few times before handing it back to you triumphantly.

“What did you do?”

“You’ll see,” he giggles. 

“I don’t like the sound of that…”

“Come on, Y/N,” he pouts. “Have a little more faith in me; I’m going to get him to stop his advances. Now tell me, when are you meeting him?”

“Tomorrow at four. At Yellow Wood Cafe.”

Jisung throws his school bag over his shoulder. “You’ll see, Sunshine.”

“Sunshine?”

As you make your way to Yellow Wood, you aren’t sure if you are more worried about having to spend the hour with Jaegeun or about the unknown stunt Jisung is going to pull. 

The bell chimes as you push open the cafe door. Inside already waiting for you is your date. In front of him is a scone and two coffees.

“Hey Y/N,” he greets as you sit down while resting his head on the back of his hand.

“Hello,” you politely return.

“Why so formal?” he chuckles. “Don’t we know each other enough already? Here, I bought these for you.”

No, you’ve only known him for two weeks, you think to yourself. You stare at the scone he pushed towards you, wondering if you can avoid eating it.

“Why did you call me out here today?” you ask.

“I just wanted to see you. Am I not allowed to do that?”

“Well, if you don’t have anything impor--”

“ You can be the peanut butter to my jelly You can be the butterflies I feel in my belly You can be the captain and I can be your first mate You can be the chills that I feel on our first date.”

Both of you stare wide-eyed at your ringing phone that buzzes on the table. You are confused because 1) that is not your ringtone, 2) who on earth is “My Sunshine♡♡”, and 3) why is Jisung’s kissy face illuminating on your phone?

So this is Jisung’s genius plan? When you finally snap back to your senses, you give Jaegeun a fake grin and excuse yourself. “I’m sorry, I have to take this.”

Jaegeun stares opened mouth with coffee spilling out of it as you swipe the green circle inward.

“Hello?” You try your best to sound natural.

“Hi~~” Jisung’s distinguishable voice resonates into your ear. “What are you doing~”

“Just hanging out with a friend,” you answer.

You can hear him cackling on the other side. “So, do you like my plan?”

“No!” you hiss in a low voice. More loudly you sing, “Listen, I’m in the middle of something right now. I’ll call you when I get home, okay?”

“I’m not hanging up without a kiss,” he teases.

You close your eyes to roll them before complying. This plan had better work or Jisung is having a knuckle sandwich for lunch tomorrow. “Okay, okay. I’ll see you later. Mwuah!”

You end the call and place your phone back down with an unnatural smile towards Jaegeun. “I’m sorry about that.”

“You have a boyfriend?” Jaegeun gasps.

“I-I guess you can say that,” you laugh sheepishly while playing with your earlobe.

Jaegeun’s expression suddenly darkens. He lowers his head so that you can’t see his eyes and abruptly stands up.

“We’ll see about that,” he snarls and beelines towards the door.

On the other side of your previous call is Jisung who has not moved a muscle since you’ve hung up. His screen has long since turned black, but he can still hear your kiss repeating over and over in his ear. He did not expect you to actually do that, but he is so glad you did. So there he is, with his jaw dropped open until a message from you breaks his trance.

[☀️]: Oh my goodness.

[Me]: How did it go?

[☀️]: He left. I can’t believe that worked!

[Me]: See? I told you it would work. ;) Now you owe me one.

[☀️]: I don’t owe you anything after the shock you put me through, you dork.

[Me]: “Dork?” You wound me, Sunshine.

[☀️]: I thought YOU are the one who’s “Sunshine”

[Me]: It’s the first thing that came to mind, okay? Gee.

[☀️]: Lol. Alright, alright. Well, thanks for helping me out.

[Me]: Anytime, Sunshine.

[☀️]: Are you going to keep calling me that?

[Me]: >:)

[☀️]: I’m so used to your weirdness that this doesn’t even surprise me. Anyway, thanks again. Hopefully this is the end of this fiasco.

You stare at your screen after sending your last text. “My Sunshine♡♡” it reads. Maybe you’ll keep his contact name like that for a little longer. You wish you could tell him that is exactly what he is to you, but you can’t. Sure, Jisung does things that seem like he’s hinting he has feelings for you too, but he’s always fooling around that you can’t tell if he really means it. 

You put away your phone with a sigh. It’s just safer to not risk your friendship than to ask him about it. For now, you only wish for this whole Jaegeun thing to end.

But of course, that isn’t the end of it. The following lunch period, as Jisung chats with you whilst sitting atop your desk, an all-too familiar face storms into your classroom. The two of you are too busy laughing at something Jisung said and do not notice Jaegeun until he is literally right in front of you, thus not giving Jisung ample time to react to the fist that came flying towards his cheek.

Jisung falls off your desk and into the one besides you. You jump up with an exclamation, but Jaegeun gets to Jisung first. He lifts up your limp friend by the collar.

“So you’re Y/N’s boyfriend, huh? How’s someone as weak as you even by her side?”

There’s a crowd forming around the scene. Even students from other classes press their faces against the window of yours.

“Weak?” Jisung scoff. “Are you referring to yourself?”

Jaegeun raises his fist again, but the five-minute warning bell rings right on time. He scowls and drops Jisung. “You, me, today afterschool behind the psychology building.”

“Jisung--”

“Fine.” Jisung tries to smirk but fails as his cheek is swelling.

“No, it is not fine,” you interject. Both boys turn their attention toward you and your glowering tone. You are having enough of them acting like kindergarteners. “Jisung, what on earth do you think you are agreeing to under my watch? And Jaegeun, you can’t take someone’s girlfriend, and you most definitely cannot punch someone in the face!”

“Sure I can.” He leans towards your face. “Do you know who I am, sweetest Y/N? Do you know who my father is? Who is funding Jisung’s education right now?” 

You twitch as he is correct; you wouldn’t be sitting next to your best friend in class everyday if not for Jaegeun’s father.

Jaegeun straightens up confidently. “I was such a nice guy to you, Y/N, but if you don’t want me to gallantly fight for your heart, then fine. I’ll give you two choices: go out with me or Jisung will need another way to fund his tuition. I’ll be on the rooftop awaiting your answer after school, Sweetheart.” 

He then turns out of the room just as your teacher walks in. The instructor greets him with a disgusting smile and even a little bow. Jisung flops over on his desk.

“What were you thinking, agreeing to a fight?” you hiss. “Do you not see the giant bump on your cheek?”

“To answer your question, no, I cannot.” He then angles his face towards you and you can see streaks of tears streaming down it and clouding his eyes. “I cant shee berry wewl,” he sobs with a giant pout.

“Good riddance, Jisung,” you mutter before asking to have him be excused. 

The nurse is out of office, so you are excused too to help patch him up which is how you end up dragging him by the sleeve through the corridors.

"Why are you grinning like that?" you sigh as he walks with a bounce behind you. 

He frowns at your tone and overall demeanor. “Are you mad?”

“Things could have gone better.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You shouldn’t have agitated him further.”

“I know, I’m sorry.”

You stop at the door of the infirmary and turn to look at him. “No, I should be sorry. I’ve put your enrollment in jeopardy. Maybe I will just go out with that jerk.”

“No,” Jisung states curtly. “You can’t.”

“What other option is there? I’m not letting you leave this school, if that’s what you’re thinking.” You enter the room and direct him to a chair. “Sit there.” You take an ice pack and press it against different spots on his face.

Jisung stares at you as you focus on different spots of his wound, brows knitted together. He loses himself in the depth of your eyes; he can’t possibly lose you to some other guy, especially to a jock like Jeageun. 

“I can take his battle,” he says after a moment of silence.

“What? No! Are you not in enough pain already?”

“But if I win, then there’s nothing he can do, right? We’ll make it public so he cannot go back on his words. This way, you won’t have to endure him and I can still stay in school,” he proposes.

“Jisung, that’s too risky; you’d die,” you laugh dryly. “I’ll just date him. It’s the safest and most--”

Jisung grabs the back of your hand that holds the ice and stands up, dragging you along with him. Your breath hitches at your sudden proximity now that your knees are not between you two. You cannot be saying those words again. Everytime he is even reminded of the possibility, Jisung feels knives impaling his stomach.

“You can’t date him, alright? I’ll take any option before that one. Even if I have to work three jobs to pay for schooling, I’ll do it. You just can’t date him; I won’t allow it.”

He slumps back into his chair after his spew. “You can go back to class. I want to rest here for a little longer.”

You nod dumbly and scurry into the hallway, heart still thumping strangely at his action and uncharacteristically serious tone. Why did he do that? Did he bump his head too hard? Is he playing games with your heart again? 

You shake your head and slap your cheeks to prevent yourself from believing what your heart wishes were true. For now, you have to focus on your dilemma.

Despite what Jisung said, at the end of the day, the decision still rests on you. You glance at the clock nervously as the end of the school day draws nearer. To make things worse, the desk besides you is still empty, leaving just you alone with your thoughts.

Jisung cannot manage without that scholarship-- this much you know. With enough jobs to pay for tuition, he would not have enough time to study and will be expelled anyway. Fighting Jaegeun is obviously not a sound idea, so there really is only one option left. 

What’s the worse that can happen? You will just have to put up with Jaegeun for a few years and then you will be off to college and away from him. Sure, you’d have to give up your feelings for Jisung for a while, but it’s not like they’ll be reciprocated anytime soon. What is Jisung so against anyway?

Thus, when the final bell rings, you slowly pack your belongings and, with a sigh, make your way to the rooftop. 

There Jaegeun awaits you with his hair styled and a bouquet of roses, clearly confident in your answer.

“Hello, dearest Y/N. It’s a pleasure for you to join me here today,” he greets.

“Hi.” You stay standing by the doorway, not approaching him.

“So what will it be?” He walks over to you and slides the back of one finger along your cheek. “Spend your days with me or strip your friend of his livelihood?”

“I--”

“I challenge you to a battle!”

Both your heads snap to where the sound came from. From behind, you see Jisung ascending the stairs with a microphone. Wait. What does he need a microphone for? You then notice a commotion from the courtyard beneath you and see a crowd gathering besides two large amplifiers, soaking up every word Jisung is saying.

“What are you doing?” You and Jaegeun say at the same time, though both with different implications.

“Defending my relationship with my girlfriend, of course,” he replies with a goofy grin towards you. Normally, your heart would jump at his endearing words, but now it’s too busy panicking for his safety.

You glare daggers of warning at him.

“Oh really?” scoffs Jaegeun. “You think you can win?”

Jisung’s voice darkens. “Only if you promise to leave her alone if I do.”

“Yeah, sure, whatever,” he laughs.

“Just remember, this whole school bears witness to what you just said.”

“Sure, everyone can know I won Y/N. Why not?”

Jisung frowns. “Hey, she’s not a carnival prize.”

“Yeah, whatever.” Jaegeun rolls up his sleeves. “Ready?”

“Sure,” Jisung shrugs.

“Jisung, please. You don’t--” you try, but he surprises you by pulling out another microphone and handing it to Jaegeun. Your soul leaves your body in relief upon realizing what he is planning. A smile replaces your earlier worries. Jisung notices and gives you a knowing wink.

“Why are you giving this to me?” asks the other male.

“You said you wanted a battle, right?” Jisung tilts his head innocently to the side. A smile he is no longer able to suppress slowly creeps onto his face when a beat sounds from the speakers. “This is the battle. A rap battle.”

Jaegeun fumes, “That’s not--”

“What? You scared? Don’t think you’re able to win?”

“What? Don’t be ridiculous. Give me that! What can a tiny nerd like you rap anyway?” 

Jaegeun snatches the microphone from Jisung’s hand and the two of them walk to the edge of the roof for the audience below to see. 

“Today’s theme is Y/N,” announces Jisung. “It’s only fitting, don’t you think?”

Jaegeun grunts.

“Alright then, would you do the honors of going first?” your friend invites.

“S-sure.” He clears his throat and begins. 

His flow is shaky at best with a simple one syllable per beat tempo. He compares you to roses about five times and slip in a few of his qualities as well. Jaegeun looks over to Jisung when he’s done. 

“Alright, alright,” Jisung nods. He then raises his own mic, and you smirk, already knowing what is going to happen.

“Yo,” he begins. “Yo, yo, check this out.

“Y/N’s her name, the reason I came To beat you, at this game. Or maybe I’m here with another aim: Cause I’ll take whatever chance I get to flatter my dame.

See, she’s my sunshine, so fine She makes all my stars align. All I think about day and night is her hand in mine.

Not only is she art, she’s funny and smart. So I see why you’d like some, a la carte She just keeps shooting arrows through people’s hearts Uh!

I thank my lucky stars whenever she looks at me For her I’d cross all seven seas. My love is truer than one two three There ain’t no one else for whom I’d get on one knee

But now I think it’s time to close up this rap Cause don’t you see, chap? Nothing can make the bond between us snap. She’s the only treasure on my map.”

The crowd goes up in cheers after his last word. Jaegeun knows he has lost, but he isn’t about to go down that easily, so he speaks with the only thing he knows how to use: his fist. He raises it as you are about to race towards Jisung to congratulate him. You don’t realize what is happening until this hand is right in front of your face. You close your eyes with a squeak, expecting the impact, but it never came. Instead, you hear:

“KIM JAEGEUN! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?”

You open your eyes to see your infamously tough physical education teacher pinning the boy down with his hands behind his back. “AND YOU, HAN JISUNG. WHO GAVE YOU PERMISSION TO USE THE SOUND EQUIPMENT?”

Jisung laughs sheepishly while scratching the back of his head.

“TO THE DEAN’S OFFICE NOW! YOU TOO, L/N Y/N! I WILL DEAL WITH THIS ONE MYSELF.”

“Yes Sir!” you both bow before hustling away.

“Look what you got us into,” you whisper to Jisung with a joking jab to his ribs.

“Hey, I won without a scratch, okay?”

“You idiot,” you snort. “Do you know how worried I was when you showed up? You nearly gave me a heart attack!”

“Aw, you were worried~”

“Of course I was! You are my best friend!”

“Just that?” he frowns.

“What do you want to be?” 

“Nevermind,” he says while ruffling your hair. “Still, I can’t believe you were about to give yourself to him like that! How could you do that after what I said?”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. At least you knew me well enough to come save me.”

“Of course. Yet I still have not received my thanks yet,” he pouts.

“Thank you, oh great Han Jisung,” you sing with an eye roll.

He smiles with a roll of his own. “Not enough, Sunshine.”

“What do you want? I’m already going to the dean’s office with you.”

He taps his cheek and puffs it out.

“Oh, come on,” you groan. “The whole school already thinks we’re dating thanks to your plans.”

“Is that such a bad thing?” he frowns again. “Do you not want them to?”

“W-what are you saying?”

Jisung grabs your wrist to stop you from walking and bares his gaze into your eyes. “What if I told you, I meant what I said up there on the roof? All of it. What if I told you it all came from the bottom of my heart?”

Your mouth goes dry from his forwardness. You tilt your head to look at him only to find it lightly bumping against the wall behind you. Your heart is racing like it did earlier in the infirmary. A part of you still fears that this is all a joke, but you find yourself not caring at the moment. Maybe it’s the adrenaline or maybe you’re sick and tired of hiding your emotions. Either way, you feel a wave of courage wash over you. You know it’s now or never. 

“If that’s so…” you stand on your toes to be at eye level with him. “If that’s really so, then let’s make their assumptions come true…” 

You quickly give him the peck on the cheek he asks for and quickly run down the hall with your face in your hands. Jisung stumbles from how hard you pulled your hand out of his, but stares at your back with the goofiest grin before following you to your hour-long lecture from the dean.

~ ad.gold

[serenagaywaterford]

random thoughts:

jsyk, Serena swam in the place my dog poops. I hope Fred stepped in it. Die Fred.

(spoilers obvs)

NOT. ENOUGH. JANINE. the only time i cheered out the entire 3 episodes was that one glimpse of janine.

I got to see my girl Alma though which was lovely.

OMG. Can... I just... that scene with Emily walking through the hospital was the dumbest fucking, most American stupid scene ever on this show. It was so fucking cheesy and absolutely 10000% unrealistic. Who actually thought it was a good idea? They should be fired. Or sent to go work on Grey’s Anatomy or something. Not even that shitshow aka SVU would do something as painfully cliched and cheesy as that. Firstly, this show is fucking stupid. Okay. If all this shit was happening, Canada would have got like MILLIONS of refugees. Seeing the cops escort some raggedy refugee would be common af. Maybe it’s the baby thing? Still, Canadians aren’t gawkers like that. We also don’t like embarrassing displays like that. It’s so American it hurts.  NOBODY CLAPS LIKE THAT IN A FUCKING HOSPITAL. It’s a quiet place, okay. Also, why don’t any of these doctors have anything better to do? Anyway. I hated that scene so much.

Nick is so boring. So boring. He’s just a wet doughnut. I sorta liked him getting angry at June but also I wish I cared about anything he has to say. Bye Nick Bland. Good riddance.

Lawrence’s one liners? Funny. Lawrence? Disgusting awful psycho. I hate him sfm. 

Fred? Also disgusting. I hate him 10000x more. Everything about him is repulsive. He’s so much worse this season. I hate everything about his entitled, poor me, manpain. I hate hearing about any of his feelings. Fucking die already. I found him interesting enough as an antagonist in the show before but no longer. Redundant.

Beth. Too good for Nick. Too good for this world.

Too much staring. I AM SO SICK OF IT. It wastes time. Is redundant af at this point. I’m bored. Stop it.

Moss... um. Honey. I love you but... what the fuck was up with all the over-acting? 302 seemed particularly bad. Like I just can’t take it anymore. Who directed 302? They should be fired too for making her do that. Also, lady from Transparent, what the fuck was up with her acting?

Luke is useless. Like, I get it. I get why he’s a huge damp sulkbaby but I mean. I don’t want to see it? I’d rather just not see him at all cos literally I can’t recall a scene of him not being fucking useless or ignorant. Or half-assing it. I want to like Luke, honestly. But I just... don’t. I love the shit outta Moira and Erin, and I adored Moira/Emily interactions. But Luke? Miss me with his manpain.

Once again, I hate Lawrence. He is no good. He’s so fucking creepy and gross. I do not understand why people like him? And I don’t mean, “I don’t know why people like this character.” I mean, “I don’t understand why people like this person.” As a character, sure, he’s interesting and revolting and does his role well. He’s even got some funny lines and Whitford has great delivery. I mean these people who LIKE HIM. As a person. They think he’s great and a good guy. I don’t get it. Are we watching the same show? He’s a great character and a terrible person. That said, he’s still a dude and I’m not about to say he’s such a great character that I want to know all about him. Nah, bros. I wanna know all about Emily, Moira, Serena, Janine, Alma... and June I suppose but we already have quite enough of her. I don’t care about Lawrence’s backstory or emotional turmoil. I don’t need his perspective cos I’ve seen it before, I know it already. It’s in so many movies, books, and TV. So, he may be a well-written character but he’s not a fascinating one. If we wanna dig around in the psyches of bad people, Serena and Lydia are far more fascinating cos bad women’s stories are so much rarer to explore in any depth.

So, June got her feet lashed to shit again. And then she’s just walking around like no biggie next scene? Did the writers forget the first season when June couldn’t walk at all? All I’m asking is a bit of a limp?

June going straight to the house that just housed the handmaid that ran away with June’s baby seems... well, like complete bullshit. Never.

SERENA ISN’T WEARING HER WEDDING BAND. She’s done. She hates that man and I hate the fact everyone is pushing her to just get over it. Fred... is horrible in literally every single way. Every. Single. Way. (And sure Serena is horrible in some ways, but not nearly the same ways as Fred.) I just want Serena to be free of him. I want her and June to murder his ass. Graphically. That is the only violence I want to see on this show in the future. OMG, I can’t actually explain how much I hate him and I vomit in my mouth thinking about Serena having to get back with him. Even if I know she has to in order to survive. Ugh. 

UM. Okay, the “blood against the snow” bit was really interesting. I don’t recall Offred saying that in the book but Atwood brings it up often when talking about red. It was clever to include her own words, just like last season with the “men are afraid women will laugh at them...” bit.

But speaking of weird inclusions: Lawrence reciting book!Offred’s line about how easy is it to invent a humanity for anyone. It was curious they had Lawrence saying that to June, whereas it’s Offred in the book thinking that about the Commander.  “He was not a monster, to her. Probably he had some endearing trait: he whistled, offkey, in the shower, he had a yen for truffles, he called his dog Liebchen and made it sit up for little pieces of raw steak. How easy it is to invent a humanity, for anyone at all. What an available temptation.”

My wife, when Nick showed up in 303: “Oh, this prick again!” Just out of nowhere cos we don’t talk about fandom shit. She has no idea the extent of my sick obsession with this show. She doesn’t know how much I loathe Nick lol. She’s completely casual and even she can’t stand Nick. Which is so lovely. And then when he was yapping about going to the front, she just muttered, “Hopefully he’ll die there.”

OH MY GOD. I HATE MEN. That whole Commanders meeting scene made me want to throw up multiple times. It started with the words “shipment of females” and just got progressively worse with every passing second.

Except... LMAO. June: *sees Fred at a meeting* Fred: Hello. June: Hey you see Serena? How’s Serena? Is Serena okay? Serena’s tough. She’s great. She’ll be okay. I love her. *proceeds to do the world’s worst cringe-inducing seduction* I think on some level even Fred knows it’s bullshit.

I love comparing June’s seduction of Fred to her seduction of Serena. They’re very interesting contrasts. She’s so painfully fake with Fred. And only sort of insincere at times with Serena. 

Man, Sylvia is a dick lol. LOOK RICHMOND IS HARD ENOUGH TO GET ACROSS WITHOUT YOUR LIME GREEN CAR BLOCKING THE ONE MOVING LANE OF TRAFFIC!!!!!! Jokes aside... I actually really liked that scene of Emily finally calling her. That was touching and the closest I came to actually getting sniffly.  Actually no. Traffic on Richmond is no joke. I’m not kidding. That was a dick move, Sylvia. LOL.

June saying Nichole gets her politicianess thing from Serena absolutely fucking slayed me. I don’t even care if she was emotionally manipulating her af, it seemed genuine in parts of that convo. TWO MOMMIES. June used her flashback!June voice at one point. Honestly, these two actresses run this town.  You can tell how broken Serena is tho cos she’s oblivious to how manipulative June is being. She’s been aware in the past as soon as June does her whole “Say nice thing, bond over babies, ask for something” method and called her on it. It’s June’s only trick. It’s transparent af. And Serena knows it. Yet, she seems completely wooed now and not at all suspicious. So, when she gets her wits together again, I suspect Serena won’t be so malleable.

I’ve said a bunch of stuff about June/Serena stuff in my tag rants so I won’t repeat it. I just fell in love with it all.

PRAISE BE!!! We didn’t actually have to see a Nick/June sex scene. Behold His miracle! I was so relieved. And then... curiously they continued that love-theme-y music all the way over into Serena’s scene with June and that was not a coincidence.

I know people really like that Boomtown Rats song being the music to the fire... And it’s a jam. But... it’s about a real school shooting and I feel like that’s just a little... off? (Not to mention Tori Amos’ version is better, imo.) I mean, okay, I did some drama courses in university and I did a thing about that song so I researched it all and it just to me doesn’t fit at all. A 16-year-old girl shot up an elementary school. And somehow, call me crazy, but that’s completely inappropriate to use in this scene. I get female rage, etc etc. I get they didn’t want to go super obvious and use a song about burning houses. But considering how EXCELLENT a song they chose for 3x03 with that Roy Harper track you’d think they’d find something better for the bed/house burning. Not only that but the motive for Spencer was ... literally nothing. She didn’t like Mondays and thought it would be fun to kill a bunch of kids--which is the complete opposite of Serena’s motivations. It just devalues it.

I want more of Emily’s journey. This is the first time I’ve actually been interested in Emily tbh. And Clea Duvall is a treasure.

I want a Moira/Emily BROTP. Honestly Moira just seems like the best friend anybody could have?

WHY IS NICK A COMMANDER?! WTF????? Was I just not listening carefully enough? Is he? Cos I don’t really pay attention when he’s onscreen tbh and the wifey was like “Why’s this guy a commander now?” And I was like, “What do you mean he’s a commander?” Honestly, Nick is just like a piece of furniture. I barely notice him onscreen lol. Okay, this has nothing to do with my dislike of him. It honestly does not make any sense. We saw that other Commander only got promoted because his wife got pregnant. WHY THE FUCK WOULD THEY PROMOTE NICK? What on god’s green earth has he EVER fucking done well? Why the shitting hell would they promote a Guardian who, under his watch, has had one handmaid kill herself, another one escape/”get kidnapped”, wife cheat on him then get executed, allow a BABY to get kidnapped, the house get burned down????? All those things seem like Very Bad things and put all together seem like something that would put him on the Wall for being such a shitty employee rather than someone who deserves MORE responsibility. There’s literally no reason to make him a Commander. Just conscript him to the Chicago front. You don’t need a reason. He’s a grunt. Eye or not. I DO NOT GET IT. Fred gets demoted and Nick gets promoted? Nahhhhh mans. Not buying it.

So little Nick. I love it. I want zero Nick, but this’ll do. I’ll even put up with him being a Commander (LMAO) if it means he goes away for a while.

Lawrence calling out June’s terrible seduction technique (it is really bad), and calling Fred stupid = :} 

OK BACK TO THE BURNING WATERFORD HOUSE... i cannot abide how SLOW June is ALL. THE. FUCKING. TIME. Like, she shows up in Serena’s little pyromaniacal bedroom inferno and is like “COME ON!” and pulls her out of the room in what appears to be a hurry. Then as Serena and Rita are rushing out June just fucking stops and starts staring at all the smoke as if she’s on fucking shrooms. Then there she goes on her bullshit... Hey, bish, the house is literally burning down cos your crazy ass soulmate set fire to her own life and maybe you should leave. No? Not interested? Sure, stand there. Feel up the walls like I did once on MDMA. Makes total fucking sense. TAKE YOUR TIME WHY DON’T YOU? Why not? It just reminded me of 2x13 when Rita was saying “You gotta leave NOW!” and June just took it upon herself to carve a bunch of shit onto the wall for no goddamn reason.

OKAY. I WAS RIGHT. The other night when I was like, “I think I know that beach.” I do know that beach!!! My dog likes to take dumps right where Serena was. (I clean up after him, don’t worry.) I can point out that beach on a map if you want. There are also heroin needles and ticks in the bushes. There is literally a water treatment plant 200m away. I go swimming exactly where Serena was and once a dead fish floated by and I had to wrestle my dog away from it. I have been swimming there a lot. It’s nice in the summer. HOWEVER, poor Yvonne in her drysuit doing that in fucking November or whatever. This lake is fucking cold even in summer sometimes lmao. Like, I’ve spent so many hours right in that spot... cos well, I used to live right up the road so duh. Of course now that I don’t live there now and it was winter so why would I take my dog swimming, that they decide to film there. OF COURSE.

Speaking of filming, not that anyone cares, they were at the St Lawrence Market at one point. It was so obvious. Wasn’t really paying attention to any of the other locales tbh. If I watch again and pay attention I prolly could pick out a few more but honestly the only person that entertains is myself.

I still can’t believe Serena was being reborn on dogshit/dead fish beach. 

[wenevergotusedtoegypt]

You mentioned a long time ago that you had a friend that stalked you online and talked bad about you because she had fertility issues. How have you been able to deal with it? Has it changed you and your willingness to befriend others?

Omgsh I’m laughing so hard because this is like the perfect example of broken telephone. Every individual aspect of this scenario has truth/came from somewhere but the overall situation is completely garbled. 😂

Like if I understand correctly, you remember the situation as I had a friend who had fertility issues and, while we were still friends, she stalked me online and talked behind my back as a direct result of her fertility issues, and I found out about this and was totally betrayed and might therefore have trust issues now.

What actually happened was that we were part of a group of friends, and she started dating someone I was close with from that group very seriously. I had always noticed that she tended to be emotionally manipulative of him and that he was extremely susceptible to it, so I said something to him after he directly  asked me for feedback on the relationship. I’m glossing over a TON of the details here because this isn’t the actual story, just necessary background info, but suffice to say she convinced him the manipulation was nbd, and I ended up cutting off contact with both of them (though in his case it was actually not directly because of their relationship).  A few months later a mutual friend deleted me from FB out of the blue, at which point I found out that she had been trash talking me to at least a few of our friends (while I had said nothing to anyone). The others had seemingly taken her rants with a grain of salt, but the friend who deleted me had 100% taken her side and wouldn’t even hear me out when I tried to talk to her, even claiming I should have assumed the male friend was lying about certain things (he wasn’t but also why should I have assumed he was even if he was) (good riddance then, I didn’t count her a loss 🤷). Had another confrontation with the couple, which ended in me parting  ways with the male on good terms but blocking the female and telling her never to contact me again.

Perhaps a year later I noticed someone in a Facebook group who didn’t have a photo of herself as her profile picture who seemed to have the exact background of this girl. It was pretty obvious she had made a fake account to be able to discuss certain things more anonymously. She also seemed to davka be interacting with my posts and comments, having no idea I knew who she was. Eventually she even started PMing me about posts. But it seemed like she was working on herself (she was finally in therapy after years of people trying to get her to go, for one thing) and needed the anonymous outlet, so for quite some time I didn’t call her out. However, over time it became evident she was trying to figure out a way to engineer an in-person meeting - she went to the wedding of one of my acquaintances, who she literally did not know; she asked me about classes in my neighborhood (she lived 3 hours away but said she and her husband - yep, they got married - would be in town for a few days), etc. I always found a way to put her off, but as she kept persisting, eventually it got to a point where I decided it was ridiculous and called her out on the whole thing.

Initially we had some productive conversations that rectified some misunderstandings from the past. I decided I was open to some limited renewed contact. However, she was messaging me CONSTANTLY, sending me new messages before I’d answered previous ones, asking me about every facet of my life as if we were BFFs suddenly (like, closer than we were BEFORE all of this went down...we were never that close). No matter how much time I took before replying to messages, no matter how brief I kept my answers, no matter how little I asked about her, she wasn’t getting the hint that I wasn’t open to that level of friendship, so eventually I had to tell her that it was way too much  and felt suffocating. She got really upset and blocked me, which I didn’t mind.

A few months later, though, she signed up for a program a good friend of mine was running through an organization that comprised my main social group. I told my friend about the situation and we agreed to watch and wait since it seemed unlikely she would show up in person to anything, being that she lived 3 hours away and the events were typically weekday evenings. But...she did. She drove 6 hours round trip one day to come to one of these things. I confronted her outside  afterwards and she told me she had just wanted to “see my face.” It was creepy, but seeing her in person for the first time in years also humanized her, so I agreed that next time she was in the neighborhood (she claimed that she and her husband came regularly to spend the weekend  and see other friends in the area) we could meet for coffee.

A few weeks later she messaged me that she was going to be in town that coming Sunday to see some people and asked if I had time to get coffee. I agreed and we set up a time. At 1am Saturday night (after I was asleep), she messaged me that oops lol she’d stayed up too late on Facebook and didn’t want to get up early, so she’d be coming later. She kept pushing the time back that morning and eventually I was like this is ridiculous, I have other things to do, I’m not holding my whole day open just because you didn’t have the discipline to get off Facebook at a normal hour last night, and cancelled, telling  her we could meet another time since she’d need time to see other people anyway. At that point she flipped out and admitted that she was only coming into town to see me, there were no other plans, and tried to manipulate me into feeling bad and seeing her anyway, which I stood firm on. After that reaction I was like lol nope that future meeting isn’t happening either, I’m done with this.

Mere weeks later she tried to get into another program my friend was running. My friend was aware of the whole situation so we discussed and  spoke with a rov, who advised that my friend should tell her she could participate in certain ways  (that wouldn’t bring her into contact with me) but not others and certainly could not come in person, given her background stalking me.  Needless to say she did NOT take that well and sent me a very angry email, which I never responded to. That was 3 years ago now.

After that I periodically monitored her internet presence to try to catch if she was going to pull anything stalkery again. She fairly regularly wrote (without mentioning anyone by name) about her anger with me and with my friend, accusing the friend of treating her unfairly by not getting her side of the story and me of purposely trying to trash her because I hated her as opposed to trying to protect myself from a literal stalker. When I got married roughly a year later she found my registry by internet stalking me and sent me a gift (which I promptly returned to the store because no one needs that energy in their wine glasses). Then, when I was maybe a month and a half before my due date with my son, I came across a piece of hers in the course of my regular monitoring which for once didn’t mention anything about me or my friend (though relatively recent things had), but was about her struggles with infertility and specifically a recent miscarriage. I knew it was near-certain that she was going to find out about my baby when he was born the same way she found out about my wedding and I was worried that she would do something to take out the pain of her own infertility on me for getting pregnant so quickly (my son was born before my 1st anniversary), since she was still angry at me. She did end up sending a gift again but hasn’t tried to make contact since then, and she hasn’t mentioned anything online about me or my friend since that time that I’ve seen when I’ve done my checks, so it seems like maybe she’s finally moving on (that initial falling out was 6 years ago now). She also did end up having a baby.

But anyway no this has not impacted my willingness to befriend others because I can pretty safely assume that other people will not become literal stalkers even if something eventually happens to end our friendship, lol. None of this was normal behavior. The only lasting impact it has is that I still check up on her internet presence every so often to make sure she’s not starting up again.

[chonzu]

Familiar Voice

A/N: Alright well Ray and I talked about this idea and I liked it a lot so! I attempted to write it. I’ve got more coming I’m just...school and work lol. It’s a grocery store AU, Aizawa being the jaded worker and Hizashi being that peppy new coworker. Have fun asdfd.

AO3: http://archiveofourown.org/works/11879799

In classic Nemuri nature, she responded almost instantly.

You've never asked about another coworker before.

He was gonna strangle her. He hesitated, wondering if he should even respond. Shouta?

He just seems familiar is all.

There's something to be said for how little he enjoyed his own job. Morning, noon, evening, overnights—no matter what shift he chose, he woke up the next day just as exhausted as before, his mind fuzzy with static. He found that opening earlier in the morning was better for his tastes, at least, for spending the entire evening sleeping and barely waking up long enough to make some shitty microwave ramen and drink some juice. The monotony of day to day work held his soul in a cold, dead grasp, but he wasn't sure he'd ever be able to pull away from it. Perhaps the only light in the darkness was working early enough in the morning that he was usually there when the kids were in school, and left by the time they got out.

So he got up at five AM as he always did, stumbled through his room, brushed his teeth, took a shower, put on his white and black uniform, and stared briefly at his pantry before he shut it dully and started for the door. It was chilly, still early fall, so he wrapped his scarf around his neck and shoulders and shuffled away from the apartment. No one greeted him. Few people walked the streets. The city was barely lighting up, the sky a soft pastel splash of blues, greens, and creams. It was the time of morning when people, the city, life itself, didn't exist. He could barely remember what happened each morning on the chilly streets and he became even less attentive when he stepped into the fluorescent lit store he worked at.

All the energy he had mustered up this morning left his body in a weird fight or flight response. Immediately he got the urge to turn around and go home, but he fought against himself as he walked around the various isles and displays, heading directly for the back of the store. He still had about fifteen minutes left until he started and didn't feel like finding anything to eat off the shelves; it all looked like garbage so early in the morning. When life didn't exist, neither did his appetite, and he knew he would be regretting that by lunch time, like he did nearly every single day.

Thankfully, the supermarket didn't pick up till sometime around eleven. It was the middle of the week, a Wednesday morning, and while the kids were at school many of the adults were laying in wait for a trip on the weekends for school lunches and dinners. It was nothing but the occasional cashiering and stocking and answering questions, all of which barely registered in his mind as he spat out script after script, laughing weakly at the jokes he'd heard every single day for the past two years.

His first break and lunch were fine. Quiet. Everyone in the store was too tired to give a shit and he sat in the corner eating some food he got from across the street. On his last break, an hour before he was about to go home, he saw an unfamiliar person. Now, he didn't go out of his way to talk to the other employees. He came here to work, go home, and then sleep, but he'd gotten to know Nemuri and Tensei quite a bit. If 'quite a bit' counted as 'these two occasionally say hi to me and offer me rides home in the afternoons if they get off around the same time as me' counted. Perhaps he was a bit antisocial, but it wasn't in his nature to be too talkative when there was nothing to talk about anyway—not to mention, he was always tired. Exhausted. So when this strange man sat down across the table already chatting it up with one of the other employees Aizawa knew he was going to be just as exhausted, if not more exhausted, than before.

He tried to shift around to avoid this new man by placing his bag in front of him. It barely blocked him from view, even with his scarf covering half his face, and before he knew it the new guy was turning and grinning at him with a sort of energy he'd only ever seen in the newbies or someone who had that extreme dedication to something as futile as a customer service. Aizawa couldn't be quite sure exactly which category this man fit in, but he could feel deep down in his bones that--

“Hey! Why are you all bundled up in the corner over there?” Ah. Aizawa lifted his gaze to stare at him, taking in the bright green eyes and hair made of literal sunshine. Under these lights, it almost hurt his eyes how bright and glowing it was, and he had to look down at the table to stop himself from saying some cold, witty remark. “Not talkative?” “No he's just tired,” a girl piped up from another corner. She smiled at the two of them, looking up from messing around with her fingernails. “But, I mean, you're not quite wrong.” “I don't need you to be talking about me while I'm right here, thanks,” Aizawa grumbled, running a hand through his hair. He gathered his stuff in his satchel and tied his hair back. When he stood up without saying another word the new blond man nearly stumbled over his own words and thankfully decided to keep his mouth shut. Of course he started up again with Nemuri the second he left, but good riddance. He wasn't in the mood to be chatty today and wasn't sure if he could muster up the energy to attempt a nice conversation with him. At least Nemuri understood and normally just texted him, and Tensei was happy enough just to chat out loud and listen to his grunting.

But no, this new man insisted on chatting with him. With anyone. Aizawa wasn't sure if he just hadn't gotten the hint or if he genuinely liked it. Everyone was trained in the ways of customer service, like be nice, smile, help the customer, but this man went above and beyond. He had that natural ability to draw customers and employees in. Charismatic in every way, doing whatever he could to be active, never missing a beat and succeeding in everything Aizawa had resented since the first day he'd worked there.

Aizawa's stomach churned and he held his head in his hand, staring directly at the candy stand across from the register. Just five more minutes and he would be free from this hell, eyelids already drooping at the thought of crawling into sleeping bag with his cat and forgetting that morning had ever existed. The new man—Yamada, as far as he knew—happily swept some of the isles across the store and he could hear him from all the way over here; voice quirk, apparently, and he was going on about something that felt vaguely familiar to him that he couldn't quite pinpoint it.

Finally his time came and he ripped off his apron with the vigor of an American super hero. He folded it up neatly and draped it over his arm as he scurried across the store, hoping with all his might that no one was going to get in his way or stop him. Most everyone knew not to mess with him on his way out, thankfully, and he let the voices of customers and employees wash over him like the buzz of a television or ambient noises of the city. Something that was just there, that he didn't need to pay full attention to,  that he didn't have to waste his energy on.

Nemuri always thought he should try to get out more. She was always inviting him to get togethers or lunches because 'you never have anything to say about your life! You never do anything exciting!' but she had no idea how little he truly cared. He had his cat, his sleep, and his shitty microwave ramen and he was just fine. The times when he did crave any human interaction were squashed by the memories of that morning's work and on his days off he was often watching TV or enjoying some time in the nearby park watching the ducks float in the pond. If he didn't truly care, then maybe he just didn't want to hang out with anyone. Twenty two years old with fleeting dreams of becoming a hero and he was trapped here in this twenty-four/seven grocery store with no idea where he wanted to go with his life.

Everyone told him he would be able to go far in life even if he hadn't done anything after graduating from high school. It wasn't the end of anything, but he wasn't sure where to start. Going to work, despite all of its flaws and unpleasant interactions, was the only thing that gave his life structure. He hadn't found a career yet, even if his quirk was promising. He wanted something that was on the down low, outside of the public eye, where he could operate under conditions he felt comfortable with.

Aizawa had no idea how to reach that. He barely made it to the front door, his scarf around his shoulders and hair let loose, when he was interrupted by Yamada. The man practically skidded to a stop in front of him, broom in hand, and hair in a messy bun coming loose with each movement he made. “Hey, you look like you could use some cheering up, listener!” Yamada's voice grated his ears. He blinked slowly, unsure what to say. “I'd say I'm fine.” “Really? You look kinda glum.” Aizawa shrugged, running a hand through his hair. He absentmindedly scratched his jaw, staring at something that wasn't the bright man in front of him. “Does it matter what I am?” he asked. “It's not really affecting you and I'm getting my job done. Shouldn't you be training?” “Surprise! I'm a transfer.” His bright green eyes lit up. “Well, technically, I'm from a different chain, but these guys hired me on when I moved here so I guess in a way, I'm a transfer. The systems here aren't really any different.” Of course. Rubbing his face, Aizawa let out a sigh. He pinched the bridge of his nose. Looking at Yamada with tired eyes, he could only shake his head before muttering, “yes, fine, okay.” He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “But, listen, I just really want to go home right now.” The ball of sunshine looked like he was going to protest, but to Aizawa's relief he shrugged a bit. His smile never faltered though, and he pointed at him dramatically. Then, in another language, “That's alright! I'll probably see you tomorrow afternoon then, listener!” Why does he call him listener.

Why does he speak in perfect fucking English.

Aizawa took his first steps out of the supermarket for the evening and let out a tension-filled breath that he didn't know he was holding. Dazed, he glanced left and right, getting a hold of his surroundings, and made his way toward his apartment a few miles down the street.

Getting there was nothing special, but when he opened his door he greeted the tortoiseshell cat that circled his ankles and lifted her into his arms. She rubbed her cheek across his stubble and he kissed her forehead, holding her in his arms all the way over to his plain gray couch. Aizawa sat there for a few minutes, letting his cat lay across his chest and soaking in the deep purrs that warmed his heart.

He wasn't sure when, but he'd fallen asleep for at least a few hours, waking up to a haze of warmth and a blanket haphazardly thrown across his body that he must have grabbed from the floor while he was asleep.  The sky was darkening into blues and greens, the glow of the city bathing the canopy of skyscrapers and apartments in a deep golden hue that hurt his eyes as it filtered in through the slats of his blinds. He sat up with a grunt and gathered his cat into his arms, holding her against his chest as he went and closed the them.

His phone buzzed with a few missed texts from Tensei, but for the time being he pulled it out of his pocket, dropped it on the counter, and opened his fridge to look for anything to eat. Tomorrow after work he'd have to pick up some fruit, rice, and some more of the ramen he ate, but for now he pulled out a sandwich from last night and heated it up in the microwave. His cat jumped out of his arms to meow at him from beside her food dish and he abandoned his sandwich to dump a cup full of kibble into it. He couldn't help but run his hand down her back all the way down to the tip of her tail as she purred and ate happily.

For the first time that whole day he actually smiled. It was weak and soft, disappearing as his phone buzzed again. He hauled himself back to his feet and picked it up, swiping the messages across the screen to clear them. The newest one was Nemuri asking if he worked tomorrow, but he didn't feel like answering, so he put it on the charger, finished his sandwich, and made his way to his room, going through his nightly ritual of cleaning up and putting on a long-sleeved sweater and sweat pants to wear to bed.

Aizawa hoped, as he crawled into his sleeping bag with his cat right next to him, that the sunny-haired man didn't work tomorrow. He wasn't sure if he could handle him for two days in a row, but he also couldn't help but wonder why he seemed so familiar. He scratched his cat's cheek and rolled over to face the wall. It didn't matter. It was a waste of time thinking about it, if it didn't affect anything besides the nagging in the back of his mind.

But he had to settle it. It wouldn't stop bugging him. It took him a little while, but he crawled out of his sleeping bag (to the protest of his cat) and padded into the kitchen. He held his phone, squinting at the all too bright lighting, his heart falling when he realized it was already on the lowest brightness. He paused, taking a deep breath, and sent a message to Nemuri.

That new guy. Do we know him?

In classic Nemuri nature, she responded almost instantly.

You've never asked about another coworker before.

He was gonna strangle her. He hesitated, wondering if he should even respond.

Shouta?

He just seems familiar is all.

Maybe someone from back in high school. He didn't grow up here, as far as I know.

Ok

That didn't satisfy his curiosity. So he turned to Tensei, who he could practically feel start to laugh as soon as he sent the text.

I'm surprised. Do you want to be friends with him? I could introduce you two properly.

No. He just seems familiar.

You sure? I've never seen him before.

But Aizawa has. Somewhere. He shook his head with a sigh and went back to his sleeping bag. Was it Yamada's voice? His movements? Thinking back, it was definitely how he talked that sparked that familiarity, but he didn't watch TV or listen to the radio often.

His cat curled up against his neck when he finally got settled. He wasn't sure if he wanted to ask this new man about himself or if he should just drop the feeling. Maybe in the morning he'd forget about this or feel different, but he kind of hoped he'd just forget about it.

[opalmothnightingale]

More Thoughts and Questions to the Universe About Healing, Empathy, and Boundaries, and Permission, and True Understanding,...  When it Comes to Energy Healing

10- 4- 17 - 

Then I had the thought, instead of asking why this happens, what is happening, how to block, change, avert the energy...  

What if the angle to think of it might be instead, how to deal with it and feel good enough, have a good morning, day, or week or month, or... whatever,... 

however long the foreign-feeling uncomfortable energy might be affecting me, to still feel good, etc, anyway?

And also, how to be so strong, so resilient, so healthy and well that I don’t get dragged down or affected too much by such things,...  if there’s such a way I can do that?

Another thought came to me...  But,...  It’s like this...  I have a feeling people see my problems and they see what they think will fix the problem...  But I’m allergic to their fix...  Or something like that...  

And when they try to fix me it sets off this bad reaction because what they think will fix me makes it worse, and this translates into the energy sphere too...  Because... 

Some problems are more complex than the happy peaceful joy joy people light and love etc belief system will give them credit.  

And it’s like triage, and if you start with the less urgent (or likely/able/reasonably possibly sustainably salvageable..  Some battles have to be let go of, delayed, for now...)...  If you start with the wrong things, you’re gonna have a lot more dying and suffering going on...  That is how my life feels...  

And not only that, it’s like all the triage patients are links in a long chain, and they start dying and it starts affecting all the others....  It’s not even just like one person dying, but like one dies, and all feel suddenly ill and much worse shape in their own illnesses.  

It’s a sudden domino effect of misery when people try to fix what needs to be left alone in my energy, my life, my precious, threatened resources..  Suddenly hurtled into endangered status,...

when someone tries to fix something that is less urgent, or less important, less priority in the whole big chain of weak links,...  Then the chain can fall apart and my life can fall apart...  

My whole ecosystem of myself and complicated illnesses and issues...  These  go from threatened to endangered,...  when the wrong thing is addressed, but something else in my ecosystem is in much more dire need.  

When sacrifices must be made just so overall the whole can have the most surviving and okay, getting by...  

Even if some things have to die and suffer, to let that happen...  At least temporarily anyway...  

Maybe for a long time, in my life...  As long as it needs to take...  I can and do deal with that, every day, stoically, even joyfully...  Joyful stoicism,...

Yes, true, ...  Lol  Joyful stoicism...  That is how I see my outlook and attitude and method in madness, part of it, anyways,... 

Most suffering (in as badly and as complicated ways as me, anyway...)... 

Yeah,...  Most people in such a complex, painful mess as I am...  

They don’t even know how to handle their problems either, but get on the pity party bandwagon or avoidance, escapism,...  Or denial, or trite, simplistic answers that are the wrong priorities, etc...  Or that look complicated, accurate, compelling, good, but they’re the wrong priorities, still, even though others may insist, you NEED this, you MUST do this, blah blah...  

Then there’s the delusional “answers” too...  Abounding on the internet, and fundamentalist ideals and puritanical or rigid moralistic systems of thought, and,...  So... AHHH!!  On and on it goes.  Lol  (I can laugh now, only because laughing is the only thing that can keep me from collapsing...  Here, the joyful hedonistic stoicism again...  Lol  Live because tomorrow or any moment you might die.  Eat, drink, and be merry, etc... 

Not addiction or immoderation, but joy and creative connection to something beyond survival, crisis and calculated linearity...  Lol  That the modern intellecual materialist world repeats like a droning answer to every single thing...  So Lol  Who cares...  Absurdity is a far better answer to everything, including others....  Most of them at least...  Who wouldn’t really understand what I say anyway...  Better confuse them and be absurdly laughable, able for them to shrug me off, when my problems and my answers and survival are beyond their ability to comprehend.. ).

But, yeah... Most “suffering the way and extent I am” people, are so much more lost, like I was, for most of my life, till a few years ago...

...  Yes,...  And it’s okay, because no one can swoop in and enlighten and save them, as every “suffering like and as much as me” life is really very different from my own, or mostly...  But they don’t know what to do, like I didn’t, mostly, I think, because,... They don’t sense where the true priorities are and it’s all a big awful disastrous mess... 

And you know,...  I am not judging, whatsoever, though.... 

Because...  It’s the sad fact that left it’s lingering deep mark on me,...  

That... 

I am permanently damaged (or maybe not,... 

I might still heal the damage, some of it... But at least, delayed for so many years, wandering, years of my life with little to nothing to show and lost touch with so many parts of me in that wandering in the wilderness state for decades)...  

Yes, because...  I’ve been there, lost like others have been and mostly are (when they’re in the kind, severity and complexity of suffering I’m in) all along in my struggling over the decades, much of the time in my life, I was stuck, trapped, helpless,...  in varying levels of that low, lost state...  

Despite trying and searching and praying, over and over,...  With all I could draw up out of my depths of myself...

But that is not where I am, anymore, and for a years now...  I’m far above and beyond that level...  

So, it’s okay, I’m okay, as much as I can be unless someone saw and offered me a much better solution, that no one has been able to even approach yet...

so I doubt that...  

But,...  until or unless that happens, then... 

I’m just muddling through the wilderness alone in this, except for spirit and energy and books and my own mind, heart and soul and higher self... and I’m just doing the best that I can.   

And I’m okay...  I am filled with love, from the universe, joy, hope, patience, faith, and so on...  Blessed and lucky, rich, deep, filled with creativity and possibility and imagination...  An exciting if dangerous and slow, very burdened adventure through dream, illness and crazy chaotic intensity too...  

All in one, somehow. Lol  Very strange and beautiful and inexpressible mostly to others...  

Or, so far.  Haven’t been able to do much but begin to hint at the reality of the feelings and states of it all, but I’m trying to express, and that is what my blog spiritual path is for, to a large extent...  

To artistically convey the beauty of my chaotic life and attempts to hold it together and heal it and just get by happily in the meantime.   

Oh well, there’s that...  And now it’s out, I’m moving right on to other thoughts, and feelings, and energies, joys and fascinations, mysteries, uplifting, guidance...

I let it go into the rapid rushing of the river and it’s gone, a fact of life, nothing to think about anymore, nothing to worry about, nothing to drag me down...

Because I’ve got way too much joy and love to feel and hope and possibilities to seize this day, in my life of stoic joy, my mind of spirit led brain fog and heart led imaginative creative magic...  Ah...  I let it go.  Goodbye.  Good riddance...  It’s all but a joke, a sigh and whisper on the wind to me...  

[uglysuburbia]

s.a.d.

Seasonal affective depression will be the death of me The literal death I got to move from here So there's more of a reason that my friends don't talk to me Like hey you moved , people lose touch, that's life, sorry Instead of them just not giving a shit I'm sorry That y'all think it's my manic episode But y'all are perfect right? Not really Noooooooo lmao Are you kidding And again , I don't want to make everything about money But how the FUCK is it That you guys have never taken me anywhere without asking for gas money How I can count on two hands Since we were 16 That you guys paid for one of my meals or for my drinks What is this And then me always tucking $5 in between your car so you'll have gas money And how I've listened to my flaws Aka talking too much And needing too much attention And I quickly realized all cant handle them So I make productive decisions to grow To stall my flaws But I'm bipolar LAUGHING MY FUCKING ASS OFF But you guys are so perfect Mad at the world together Moping in yalls beds together Judging the world together "We are so much hotter than everybody else" together Kat you're doing just as shitty as us So don't give us lectures Kat you just need to lose weight So we can all be pale and skinny and cry into our beers every other fucking night Listen.. I watched my mom get slammed against the fucking wall with a refrigerator and held in a chokehold and beat repeatedly with a pan I act like I laugh about it I was 9 years old I watched her drunk AT FUCKING DISNEY WORLD scare the fuck out of my grandma Have you ever seen one of those snuff videos of an old woman getting beat up? It's the same thing. I was 11 I cried and wanted to come home but I guess my dad didn't want to waste money on a plane ticket bc fuck no I did not want to be at Disney world where they just carted off my mom to prison Oh yeah sure I laugh about it She wrote to me in prison saying she needed me and my sister to stay alive She gets out Back to the same old shit Meth heroin pills lol kind of boring now bc it's all we hear about in the news I spend the summer with her and have to experience her withdrawals Didn't know what they were She just scared me And then how selfish I was going on with my life freshman year And then I can't get hold of her at all And I didn't care Because I didn't know And then she fucking dies Y'all have heard this story and still think I'm just the luckiest girl in the world bc my dad loves me and helps out After my mom dies I get back with the worst human in the world The boy I lost my virginity to a year prior This boy cheated on me a few weeks after my mom died Gets me pregnant Cheats on me more Like I'm 14 And all I'm thinking now is Wow the girls getting their clitorises burned off in the Muslim region of Africa would kill for this life And why am I acting so entitled Nothing is fair Rest assured this shit goes through my mind when I'm whining about my shitty white first world life But back to my story The rest of high school is fine after we stop dating and he moves I mean getting bullied sucked But lmao you said I was the Bitch in high school Honestly I'm sorry to everyone I ever hurt And anyone I continue to hurt With my careless choice of words I can't tell if I believe in karma I want so hard to be edgy and say I'm atheist And that's how I was for so long Atheist Agnostic is such a pussy word Some *philosopher* you know, the kid you work with that knows so much about life, he told me that, essentially, everybody is agnostic Okay loser There I go again being rude Anyways I don't know if I believe in karma, but I used to believe in "pre-karma" but lmao Na Shit just happens And if you put yourself in a RISKY SITUATION That is your own fucking fault Get over it Like I let my ex drive my car after I cheated on him Lmao duh Doesn't excuse what I did But duh Yeah he stole it and pawned 2 laptops, 2 phones, 1 tablet I still bailed him out of jail I still did a lot And tbh HE DID NOT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ME CHEATING ON HIM HE WAS USING ME THE WHOLE TIME lmao you two love to bring that up Oh yeah kat everyone saw it but you That wasn't even a real relationship Lol thank you guys So much I'm going to start writing down the toxic shit y'all say to me tbh I mean BUT IM BIPOLAR RIGHT NOTHING I SAY MATTERS ILL GET OVER IT ps YALL ARE PERFECT drug addict + alcoholic forever and ever I'm only like this cause of my dad right I love stream of thought It was cute when bukowski did it and he could write everything lowercase bc no spell checkers bukowskiiiii only famous because he was alive before the internet because now we have memes that make you feel uninteresting everybody does their own thing but really it's each other's thing there are no original concepts left in this world Anyways back to my privileged complaining I'm trying to think where I went wrong If I was in the wrong I really do try to look from an outside perspective Like What I did with my mom It's not like I did much I was 14 I was so weird about life and Mac was the worst person and idk for some reason I was more concerned with him And then idk It was Fucking high school I don't blame myself I just know I was selfish And I keep asking myself If everyone else is selfish? Towards me? Does that excuse my behavior ? Do I need to fix my moral code? Like there she was Running off with stupid fucking jimmy and I'm just like why why why????? Because he didn't love her Just like that horrible human being that got me pregnant never loved me And for real Whenever I found out Just a few months ago Everything he did Do you realize how mad I am? my mom is gone because she wasted her time with that fucking piece of shit And he's still alive After beating the shit out of her He's not in prison Who the fuck even I'm so tired I can talk about other things Like interviewers who attempt to explain to you in the interview why they probably won't hire you keeping you there for 30 minutes To talk and waste your time but I'm a nice person really so I don't say anything But idk that's literally why I'm upset right now maybe maybe that's the root of it all or maybe my friends just all want to hang out without me and it's totally fine I have to get past those first months of loneliness but I'm definitely doing my own thing Or who's own thing my eyes hurt from this blue light but I want to keep talking Maybe people follow me on here Haven't checked in a while But anyways I'm blocking everyone Because why are certain people this certain way have fun good riddance Cause when everyone says For good or for bad What happened to kat ?? Considering I'm blocking all of you You guys won't know Ever Stream of thought End of whatever this was Anger and sadness and insecurities in text