#i have to work tomorrow and its gonna be a long fucking day and i cant hear out of my right ear and everything hurts
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#hey guess who fucked up travel wise AGAIN#forgot my passport#am not at my place. or in my city.#tomorrow (today) instead of having a nice day and then a trip to tge airport and flying back home#(back to pl)#i'll be travelling back to my city. grabbing my passport. then going the long way to the airport.#fuck this sm i'm attending workshops and i'll miss the last day and i will have to explain to everyone why im leaving early cause they'll#be concerned#but also i won't be able to cause im leaving early and will only have like 15 min for breakfast and just. ah im gonna scream#scratch that im gonna cry#one professor i really wanted to talk to cause i am in a collaboration with him. so we will work in the same field for ages.#i'll have to explain to him why im leaving. but also i just really wanted to have a longer chat with him but he only came in this evening#and so now fuckkkkk#everyone will know and everyone will be concerned unless i tell everyone its just a stupid fucking passport. but everyone willl know#ok this is me talking to the void#i need ro go to sleep#wish me luck#personal#to delete#and also. i had to like agree to attend all days as a rule to partivipate in this thing cause of the funding#and like i know accidents happen and personal stuff happens but i feel really bad cause i agreed not to leave early#im blowing this out of proportion im sure it'll be fine & ppl will be concerned and helpful n not angry or whatever#but i just. wish i could go and not be perceived#fuck this#ok thats it im out
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hhbh
#okay nvm all that#im having A Day. was supposed to see bf and go to the fair but im sick etc#i was playin videoed games w my friend and ik he didn't purposefully ghost me#he really did get called by his parents or somethin and didnt get back for however long but i dropped from the game and the call bc#i am in a mood . not his fault. that+something else i Really want to check him on but once again its not actually a big deal i am just#cranky. if i did actually get on his ass he would call me and ask if i'm okay which is some bullshit . if i dodged dnd tonight he would do#the same thing but like. mmmm depression. i am very sad. and cranky in pain and i miss my bf and im sick of working at fucking walmart#and now i have to listen to people talk about trump tomorrow and i was gonna see my bf today and i miss him really bad and i dont wanna tal#to anyone else#to be soooo fr i am honestly just like. critically low on affection/attention. rn. i know myself.#i cant just skip dnd that's a shitty move but god i wanna go to sleep <- in pain and sad and cranky and i miss my boyfriend badly#i'm just cranky. but like. augh. let me out of here.#everything sucks. um i have been depressed for going on six months and i am really sick of it. to be honest.
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i finally got my adhd med dosage worked out and also for like the first time since upping the dosage actually managed to take it consistently long enough for it to actually kick in over the last few weeks and god damn. that shit is magic.
#im on the non-stimulant version bc the stimulant ones were too up-and-down for me#so they kinda act like how ssri meds do in terms of slow buildup#but now that I'm there its!!! insane!!!#I've been falling asleep just when I'm tired which I just am totally unable to do normally#I woke up before my alarm today and was like maybe I'll take a shower!! in the MORNING! as soon as I woke up!!!!#and left on time for my appointment w time to spare - then instead of going home after having accomplished the one (1) task for the day#i voluntarily just went and did MORE things. like. for FUN. and didnt have to force myself and be like 'you'll enjoy it once you're there'#then I finished doing fun things at the river with the dog and was like. yknow what? I'm gonna be productive and work on the car.#and I DID. then hung out and socialized and watched a movie after?#at this point this is 4 WHOLE THINGS in one day????? and it wasnt prescheduled and I did it all because I just felt like it#I am fucking astounded. I am going to do everything possible to make sure I don't fall off meds again bc like. this shit is lifechanging#as long as I'm not physically too tired I'm actually looking forward to doing more tomorrow too#like. god damn. not having to force myself to do things that logically I know I enjoy and just being able to DO them is insane#I'm gonna go to the weekly farmers market next week and pick up veggies. and then make something with them.#⭐✨magic✨⭐
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hey guys
#vent#just... gimmie a sec im gonna put it in the tags i cant find the readmore on my phone rn#im havin a straight up not good time but not the worst in the house!#the worst is my cat. whose old and dying. and i have no money to put to sleep to fuckin put us both outta this misery#typical. she cant get a heart attack and go fast like my moms dog#shes gotta wail and be ill for a month while im recovering from one surgery and trying to get ready for the next#its also an amazing time for my ocd that i learned i have from artists on hear explaining what it is to send me into spirals#over germs. but shes just 20 with teeth and respiratory issues her whole life and been struggling with constipation#so i KNOW how shes dying. shes backed up and hungry and dehydrated but feeling bloated still and not eating or drinking.#shes probably got arthritis and has been moving like a geriatric for a while but its to the point now she wont even lay down. shes just#perched on a pile of towels in the bathroom dozing and occasionally crying for me to come pet her. im so fuckin tired#and theres nothing i can do! the vet i could find a timeslot for in a reasonable time said 500$. so thats cool. im paying 1000$ for me in#a week for my stuff and its just. god all she and i are doing is crying and it sucks ass#she wants company for comfort and i dont blame her - so the fuck do i!#but i cant sit in the bathroom with her my damn legs keep going numb. and my roomate 1) cant emotionally buoy me thru this#and 2) has a long work day tomorrow and its already mad late. sigh#dont try to offer me condolences ive worked thru her dying already its just now we're botb exhausted in the form its taking#if anything i just need another distraction to keep me from spiraling over something again#edit: ARUGH AND THE OTHER CAT THROWING UP IN THE OTHER ROOM. GOD DAMN IT#the younger one has so many allergies and wont stop fucking eating things off the floor babygirl i am BEDRIDDEN you gotta stop eating shit#off the floor!!!!!!!! you have specialty food for a reason!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#awesome it was right in my bed
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tfw when you get a rush of inspiration and the scattered pieces in your head connect >>>>
#this happened to me with siphon. this happened to me with crash.#and now its happening again with tint and shade#JK THEYRE NOT CALLED THAT ANYMORE IM CHANGING THEIR ENTIRE LORE#i felt it was too similar to ink/siphon's lore....... the twins lore was the first i ever made so i didn't tske into consideration#the lore everyone else would have#i did an EENSY bit of research for this. all my inspiration for this was two goddamn theater masks#if i manage to finish them today or tomorrow or the day after that it would be great#then that would only leave me with crash and vice.SER to think about#and then i could get to work on the actual multiverse interactions#GOOOOOD who knew making an entire fucking multiverse with only 8 characters was gonna be this hard#it ok tho bc ive really been thinking about my character's lore and coming up with cool backstories.........#i rlly hope people like swapinverse i really hope people SEE swapinverse#id kms if nobody did because i really love these characters i made and i don't wanna keep them hostage for this long#insipiration and motivation comes in waves for me im sorry ☹️☹️☹️ if im not inspired i won't work on swapinverse#tricule rant#ok but its only been like 10 days of summer break and im already i think more than halfway done....??? hopefully????#maybe ill ACTUALLY finish swapinverse by the end of this summer break and then maybe be able to show it to people.........#would people be into my ocs. would they even like them. i mean like maybe#but tbfr idrk. i don't know if i wanna make an ask blog or make comics#i was thinking of doing a bunch of different mediums for this but idk#maybe i could make comics for the mst and write for siphon/crash and then make big pieces with tidbits of lore for the twins#STILL have no idea what the fuck im gonna do with vice.SER. i'll grt to him eventually
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#just an observation bc im avoiding working on stuff but i draw a lot and post basically everything i draw thst gets finished#and its v funny to me how u can tell how out of focus i was based on the quality of the drawing#or like when i post something and its like ok some of that was good but u def gave up halfway thru one of those lol#inconsistency i funny like that. its also funny to me that now a days i get comments like COLORS!!!#which is funny bc i notoriously haaaaaate coloring. like i will sit around whining and complaining when im home with my parents bc i dont#wanna color. its just so easy to fuck things up when u draw traditionally and it takes a million years so its a big ask lol#but i guess i dont hate is so much right now bc i kinda just slap whatever colors i want together like fuck it we ball#and thats kinda fun. reckless i suppose#its agony when u wanna try to do shadows and lights tho. like finding references ugh#or wanting to draw big ideas but then its like oh god its gonna take so long and if i dont do it all in one sitting i might die#im a lil better abt thst now bc it would b impossible but in my head i still hate it#ugh. all i wanna do is draw. theres another universe where i went to art school. or just like took art classes. and i wanna say id b happier#but thats def a lie XD i like learning too much and i dont have the attention span to hardcore learn genetics outside an academic#environment. and i got way too excited abt exploring the genetic traits of my cyano species#like i can make genetics trees for traits and look for. fuck. i forgot the word. how tf did i forget the word. oh god. horizontal gene#transfer. jesus christ its like theres a hole in my brain. well. i guess i did get only like 4hrs sleep. ugh im rambling.#i need to finish getting ready for Monday so i dont have to tomorrow and ill have time to draw. prob wont stop me feeling nauseous abt#teaching tho. OH FUCK. i just remembered i have a new office space now to decorate. fuck i need to hang up pictures and stuff#what would b the funniest way to put narut0 on my deskspace? idk ill have to think abt it. oh god im not ready#my head is like a handbell. one of the big ones when u ring it and it hits soft and u can feel the vibrations. someones wrung my head lol#unrelated
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im like if the most useless boytoy twink was also an incredibly handy butch lesbian
#this post is about me collapsing as soon as i got home from work#where i used a garden hoe i sharpened myself to hack down+tear out a truly impressive thistle 3× my size while 3 of my coworkers watched#swung it overhead like an axe until the centre stalk (almost the size of my wrist) was felled. then hoed around it until the roots came free#& i could grab it with my hands where there werent any thorns. turned around and all 3 of em were lookin at me like 😳😳 lmao#but now im sitting in my bathtub bc i cant stand long enough to shower anymore hdksgsk#knew this morning it was a bad pain day but pushed thru it anyway bc!! there was work to do!! but now im gonna be totally useless for 24hrs#cest la vie i suppose#after the thistle was properly disposed of just kept tilling+weeding+fixin tomato cages in the fields. came home & felt sooo dykey+hot lmfao#was like ''fuck yeah man idk what was up with me this morning im feelin fine now! great even!''#then took my knee braces off to get into the shower & almost busted my ass on the tile when both of em gave out🤦#my shoulders are now reminding me that i Dont Have the muscle mass to use a bigass hoe like anything but a hoe w/out Paying For It later#its a good thing i have the day off tomorrow bc im going to turn into a slug as soon as im done steaming meself like a little dumpling#definitely thinkin about using my pathetic-wet-cat-charm to get someone to bring me food tonight tho... hmm#anyway. wheres that post#''im not a butch but i believe their beliefs''#its my exectution thats lacking lmao. but in any case#mwah. mwah mwah mwah#<-for all the butches out there. ily tysm youre wonderful#and to all the useless boytoy twinks out there: o7 <3#godspeed fellow hopeless fags. ily too. keep doin what yr doin lmao#bee speaks
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Gosh, Im turning 25 today not 65 so why does it feel like my body feel is gonna fall apart at any moment? 😩
#personal#vent#Im in So much pain today#got my period for my birthday of course#so there's cramps one hand#but the worse is the way my knees aching#it's like that bone-deep dull ache thats spread out into the calf and thighs kind#and its so intense at its worst it makes me want to sob and chew my own limbs off with my teets#god it sound dramatic but yestersay evening I did cry quite a lot from the pain#Ive had the joint pains for a long time but it was usualy one at a time and with weather changes#but like 1-2 years ago my knees synced up with periods and wheneve that happens it's--#hellish#painkillers barely work and it builds up throughtout the day so it's prob not gonna be a nice evening today#distracting myself from it only works so far too#the moment the distraction ends Im crying 😣#it goes from these 'can sort of manage' ache to 'full on out sob' in cicles that I can’t even feel coming#and I still have some time before I can take another dose of the strong meds that sort of helped today#(like 4 hours after I took them and only for a couple hours too)#I know I just gotta get through this but it Sucks#and I gotta do my taxes tomorrow at the latest fucking heeeeell I can’t focus for shit#hopefully it lessens enough I can do the needed adulting and then hide away until I feel human again 😣#I might also be severaly overstimulated from work I think#ughhhh anyway I just needed to vent some#in hopes it maybe helps a little#might delete this post later#hope y'all are having a much better day!
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me: can we just fucking answer these questions its one in the morning you know the answers its not fucking difficult just fucking write it down i want to go to sleep
my brain: i want to fuck the opening riff of new religion
#BANGING MY HEAD ON THE FUCKING TABLE. IVE BEEN WORKING ON THIS ASSIGNMENT SINCE 2PM#like ive taken breaks ive been trying to be mindful of my brain and not force myself to do something for hours with no breaks because i#become useless anyway#but like this is due tomorrow and my teacher is gonna bitch if i submit it the day of cause its a discussion post#AND idk how much time ill have to finish it tomorrow plus i have a fuckton of other assignments to do and idk if i work friday and saturday#ive been sitting here for so long trying to just *think of the fucking words to say* and all my brain is supplying me with is a different#fucking bvb song every time. im in hell#AND I CANT EVEN LISTEN TO THEM WHILE IM WORKING CAUSE I GET TOO DISTRACTED ENJOYING THE MUSIC#sorry that all my posts have been about this stupid fucking assignment i just have nothing else going on
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#delete later#i have the hackathon tomorrow and Thursday for my apprenticeship abd i dobt wanna fuckin do it#its not even graded like what is the POINT#i have work stuff i could be doing insteeaaad#and i have yo work in a group? and process the information abd problem solve and present at the end? fuck offfff#i already know its gonna put me in a foul fuckin mood and im preparing to subsist off takeaway for two days#ive beefed up my savings and have set out a good plan for the year so it's in my budget and fine#i got a raise so i should be able to beef up savings well and planning on actually contacting a place aboit a first tattoo in the#next few months. i just dont want to do a stupid hackathon. it sounds cooler than it is. they just give us a data analysis task and we have#to code it. DONT WANNAAAA#also so msny long meetings. i care so little about corporate stuff and it bores my fuckin socks off
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Beanieduo meetup stream aaaaaaaaaaaa ;u;!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#I don't know how long I'll be able to watch because im fucking tired and I have work tomorrow and its gonna be a LONG day#but sajdksandksadjsadsaDSAJDKADJSA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA LUZU Y Q!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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one of these days my dad is gonna realize what my school schedule is in the meantime he will continue to exist adjacently to me and never in the same space
#guy who brags constantly about me getting into my program and didnt realize th school im going to is like good#until he told one girl and she recognized the name and freaked out#and now he wont fucking quit with it#meanwhile: keeps complaining its gonna get real old driving me to school and please please learn to drive#i have class. 3 days a week. technically 2 bc one class is online and i only go in that day really late in the afternoon lmfaoooo#does he know this. no not at all. has actually not asked a question about what im gonna be doing#instead keeps worrying i have no future and keeps asking what career i want to go into and also is it animation its animation right#why not animation... oh well maybe you can transfer into animation later : )#yeah ok. sure. why dont i transfer into animation so i can fucking smash a brick into my skull#screaming and dying he needs to go back to forgetting i am real he is paying too much attention to goings on now#idk how to relax and everything is coming up now and i feel like im dying slightly lmao. sitting at my desk working all weekend#working on what. who knows bc i hurt my shoulders too bad to do anything real. stressing myself out further for nothing#dies and explodes i should be excited and be doing fine but well lmao. lmao. i will probably feel better when i go in tomorrow#i dont know man ptsd brain is like nothing good can happen for long! standby for the other shoe to drop#and well it sure is coming to a head now bc getting in would be really. really good. so ofc the other shoe will drop right#i know it wont but my brain doesnt know that so fear sits in my whole body all day all night stress dream city baby#vent#ig#dies and explodes
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changed my gp practice to one local to me last month which is fine but just found out the adhd service I'm titrating meds with only covers gp practices in england and I'm registered with a gp in wales now... which means I'm now a "private" patient so I have to pay for the rest of my titration out of pocket. are u fucking kidding me
#THEY DIDNT FUCKING TELL ME THAT OR I WOULDNT HAVE CHANGED MY GP UNTIL I FINISHED TITRATION UGH#well i dont have that much left of titration anyway. but still fucking hell#the discharge appt alone costs 180 quid so if I want to be referred back to my gp and continue taking meds i Have to pay that#and itll be at least 100 quid to continue titration the next month and thats not including the price of the meds themselves lmao#well. its not like i cant afford it i have some money saved for shit like thjs. and itll only be a month and then nhs wales will cover it#so ill just have to pay for my prescription which will be capped#ufgjf. man i didnt expect this tho so annoying#i only logged in bc i wanted to check smth bc idk if this booster is gonna work out for me like its effective but it rly wrings me out#and my sleep has been affected for a while and the summer weather is making it worse but its definitely partly meds#but idk if im too late in my titration now to switch again. well i shouldnt be i still have a month#i dont want to quit elvanse bc it does rly help but only for half the day and the crash is too much#but if theres no way to smooth it out without losing sleep n feeling physically shit. i dont think i can do it in the long run :-(#well at least if no meds work for me and i end up quitting the service i dont have to pay that extra £180 so.#idc im too tired to think abt this rn ill deal with it tomorrow. itll work out one way or another#.diaries
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#well. today was a nice day of not doing anything but drawing really. theres an au where i went to art school and am a happier person lol#except not really bc im sure my head would ruin that too. anyway. its a shame i have to return to the pain tomorrow. i have so much to grade#plus a paper to write plus data to work with. a protocol to figure out. and an exam to study for and a final project thatll kill me#god. i also have to get ready for lab Monday. christ. and what shall i say to my therapist Tuesday? well we could try to tackle the deep set#looming issue that prevents me from getting better in our tiny 50min session or i could be like listen. just fucking listen. let me give u#the case 4 and against me having adhd so i can stop feeling fucking nuts. just like give me feedback. ya kno?#it would b inattentive bc im not hyper unless im losing my mind and bordering on hyp0mania. but my focus is something i cant control#executive functioning has always been a problem but now im so worn down im in danger of actual consequences. and its not just things i dont#wanna do. im not just anxiously avoiding. i cant start tasks and stick with them. i flip back and forth and get nothing done. i spiral#sometimes for hours. im not doing anything fun im just not doing anything. frozen in anguish. i dont even wanna think abt how much money ive#lost by not filling out reimbursement sheets which arent hard to do. theyre easy i just never do them. why??? i dont fucking kno. but im not#forgetful. im thinking constantly abt these things. i just cant make them happen. theyre stuck buffering. i do have memory issues tho#my short term working memory is like that of a literal child. so i cant follow complex instructions. i constantly need new info. constantly#need sound. spoken words plus music at the same time. but the main reason i need an answer to this is the reading issue. which is that im#dyslexic but also my thoughts r like an interfering frequency. without realizing ill b thinking and not reading. its a problem no matter#what im reading. its severely disruptive. i will physically read out loud to try to hold my attention in place and still get distracted by#my own head. do u kno how frustrating it is to read something aloud 3 times and not know wtf u just read bc u arent thinking abt anything#interesting u would rsther b reading but u can't fucking pay attention long enough. genuinely if its not adhd and i cant get medication to#fix my focus issues i dont kno wtf im gonna do. im so bad at reading and its extremely frustrating. but is it just dyslexia? idk what i#described doesn't fucking seem normal or like a reading problem. sounds like a focus issue. so riddle me that#idk ive got adhd on both sides of my family plus my focus fluctuates with ny hormones plus homones possibly induce hyp0mania. like i mean#ive got other issues which make a diagnosis difficult to parse but like i feel like that's decent evidence for possibly adhd? my friend said#she was always worried she had a brain tumor before she was diagnosed. to me ive always felt like my brain is full of holes. im missing the#parts that would let it operate correctly. the frontal lobe is just fucked. ugh. i wonder how much accommodation i could get from the#disability office if i actually went to them. i wont bc im fucked up and i dont think they could actually do anything for me at this stage#but alas im curious. ugh. y do i do this to myself? i kno y but not enough time for that in 50min. bad attitude mostly. half my brain#just craves death. the other half is just trying to tread water but its hard with someone trying to drown u. so its all fucked#unrelated
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It's one of those days, where if i didn't have weed as a cushion, i would be beyond distraught.
I'm still pretty upset, but I feel like i surely would've been crying if i hadn't smoked
#just long day of work#got robbed out of some tips#somewhat circumstantially#had a goose chase of a delivery for like a crazy amount of food#and they also stiffed me#had to do catering tonight as a manager#that fucking sucked#had to do last minute bread#had to do last minute trays#had to remop the whole store because they on bs#what a lazy fuggin driver#thought i miscounted drawer#guess i did#but like i was wrong about being wrong#annnnnnnd all of that#i mightve been able to shrug off#to just unabashadly not give a fucking shit#but i also popped my tire on a delivery today#and i know i have the warranty#and its free#but idk where it is#so its probably gonna cost me money#which i fucking hate#because i already barely made fucking tips tonight#but even in the highly unlikely event that it is free#still just the fact i have to take time out of my day before work tomorrow to do it#is so draining#like if it does end up being free thats what would make my day#but im still like so mad frfr#ok thats my vent for the night
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Binge-reading Dungeon Meshi because it's the only thing standing between me and suicide ngl.
#it at least gave me the single molecule of mental energy required to force myself to eat at least one slice of bread#because it's like the physical energy is there sure but mentally I'm like 'noooooo I don't want to eat anything i hate food#all food tastes bad and i hate life and i want to eat nothing at all and furthermore i need to lose weight so i should starve myself'#I'm thinking that it might actually make me last until I either convince the crisis center that I'm for fucking real for real#or until my appointment with the school counselor. which idk when would be because i was supposed to go on the#2nd of April but i guess there might be holidays because he called me when i was atva lecture but i couldn't take it#because i had a lecture and he hasn't called since but I'm assuming#that hell call again and that he wants to let me know that the date is impossible#but I want to like wait and see what he says. and if he goes like 'oh actually im on a long vacay now goodbye forever'#or whatever I'll just go '...slay' and ride my ass to the hospital tomorrow.#show up at the crisis centre looking exactly like the patients with chronic pain who report pain 7 while looking unphased#like 'hello i am an active danger to myself I can't get out of bed most days; i need 16 hours of sleep to function for 4 hours#my meds have stopped working I haven't eaten anything but exactly 2 pancakes and a slice of bread in the past 4 days#and i exhibit a strong refusal to change this marked by thoughts present in people affected by eating disorders. no activity#feels fun anymore and they were marked by a strong sense of anxiety a few days ago but now i just feel nothing at all.#at this point I'm not even refusing to do any of my hobbies because im increasingly afraid of failure and its#consequences while being hunted for sport by anxiety from the opposite end telling me that i need to finish 50 masterpieces#immediately or nobody will ever like me again and they'll all see me for the talentless fraud i am. at this point i just don't care.#i don't do anything because i feel sluggish and my body is heavy and I'm so so tired and I'm tired of being awake and I can't think straight#also i think i might be going into a psychotic episode again.'#they're gonna tell me to get the fuck out of their faces anyway but it's worth a try.#like idk i feel like they might kinda listen because yesterday I guess they wouldn't have but today i have stopped caring about cars#and looking both ways. which is like. not a good sign probably. also yesterday i was still somewhat able to talk to people#even though i was in a very irritated and drained out state but today I'm feeling like if anyone even fucking attempts to talk to me#or if i hear any loud fucking sound at all I'm just gonna punch myself in the head until the pain drowns out all the sound
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