#i haven't even bought it on my ipad yet

[fazcinatingblog]

It's wild how much the ATO correspondence is "up to shit" (Colleen vocab) and how much my boss never (Italian) broaches the subject of what's come in the mail recently and what? She just trusts that I'm sending it out as soon as it comes in? And there's nothing that needs doing urgently or extension requests to be done or

[deadpresidents]

ANOTHER REASON WHY USED BOOKSTORES ARE AWESOME

I bought this book -- The Uncrowned King: The Sensational Rise of William Randolph Hearst by Kenneth Whyte -- a few years ago at the wonderful Iliad Bookshop in North Hollywood. However, I haven't gotten around to reading it yet, so it's just been sitting on one of my bookshelves pretty much ever since I bought it.

Today, I just happened to pick it up and start thumbing through it, and this fell out:

Now, I don't know what it is exactly, but it sure looks like a thank you note that would be sent in response to someone who had expressed condolences after someone's illness or death. Was it sent to someone from William Randolph Hearst's estranged wife after he died? That in itself is interesting because Hearst and his wife were estranged for the last 25+ years of his life because he had a very public affair with actress Marion Davies. Here's the thing, though: Hearst died in 1951, but the used book that the thank you card fell out of was published in 2009. The card definitely looks much older than the book, but that just brings up more questions. Did someone have the card from 1951 and just decide to use it as a bookmark since it's a biography of Hearst? Was the card a collectible item about Hearst and they figured that the book was as good a place as any for safekeeping? Is it even a card pertaining to the famous William Randolph Hearst who is the subject of the book, or maybe for his son, William Randolph Hearst Jr., who died in 1993?

I have no idea, but I bought a used copy of a book about William Randolph Hearst for like $7 in North Hollywood a few years ago and on top of the fascinating story of Hearst's crazy life printed within the book's pages, it's created a whole new set of stories and questions for me just because somebody left a unique memento tucked in those pages. All I can say for sure is that you don't get these types of experiences when you're reading e-books on a Kindle or an iPad.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hello, I came across this page and I very much enjoy it and love it here.          

I will keep it short. I just want to share this little problem of mine. First of all, I am a 19 old INFJ (not very sure about it but its for another post). I am an overthinker, who worries about the smallest things. ‘What will this person think if I do this’ ‘what will this person feel if I said that’, so I am very cautious and careful about my actions and think a lot before doing anything. I have just come to realize that I feel guilty even about the smallest things, even for things that happened a long time ago, I just remember them and I feel a tinge of sadness thinking about them. I will share some of them here.

I remember somewhere in primary school between grade 1 to 3, I had an assignment to make skeletons from paper and pins. My mother did the assignment for me, and I think that she took time and effort to make it. Once I presented it and was done, I had this urge to destroy it and I acted on my impulse. Immediately after I felt really bad. I knew that it was going to be thrown nevertheless, but being destroyed like that  I felt I was undermining my mother’s effort and it was not the best feelings, I know it is a bit dramatic but I was little at that time.

Another incident, a long time ago too, my sister drew a girl and then out of fun I drew ribs on the girl, like she was skeleton then I felt bad and said why did I do that. Although my sister didn’t mind it much.  

Again, when I was around 9, my sister and I wanted to watch Frozen (separately), and we searched the net to find a website to watch, she searched in her iPad and I gave mine to our father to search for me. After a long time, my father came to me excited that he found and downloaded the movie for me but not in English in our mother language and I complained that I wanted it in English, then my sister said that she found a website in English, and I decided to watch with her. I felt really bad because my father wanted to find me something, but I didn’t take what he gave me. This incident really makes me feel bad till now when I think about it haha.     

This is trivial and doesn’t involve me, but I felt a little bad. We bought a PlayStation and me and my sister made two accounts for ourselves and had password on them. One time we saw that the gear was misplaced and the PlayStation open, but no one played it. We realized that my brother came when we weren’t around and wanted to play, but he didn’t know the password and wasn’t able to play and went. I felt a little bad for him and thought if we didn’t put password on the accounts.                                                                     

I don't know if this is normal or if I am an overthinker. Maybe this is the reason why I am careful before doing something now. If this is a problem what are some tips to self-improve in this situation.

-----------------------

Feelings and emotions are necessary for learning and growth. The key is to extract the right lessons from them and then you can lay them to rest in a healthy way (i.e. establish resolution or closure). If a situation continues to plague you, it means you haven't learned the right lesson from it or haven't learned it well enough yet. Guilt is meant to teach you important lessons about how to make better moral decisions. The situations you described all had problematic moral elements to them. Have you learned the right moral lessons from your past?

That being said, there is another important point to address. One of the major development pitfalls for INFJs is excessive or irrational guilt. Usually, it is due to wildly unrealistic thinking (unhealthy Ni) and/or taking on far more moral responsibility than is reasonable for one person to shoulder (unhealthy Fe). When INFJs aren't able to make sense of their guilt, it is easy for them to fall into Ti loop, which might manifest as rumination or "overthinking". These errors in cognition can be addressed through function development, see past INFJ posts.

[butch-reidentified]

New kitten Nicatine (always cat pun names) has been given a scrunchy for a collar. We thought he'd hate it but he actually seems to be attached and cried when we took it off 🥺

Nik was found injured with two siblings at about 3 weeks old by a friend of my neighbor's. My neighbor took them in despite a severe cat phobia, because she has a big heart (and isn't scared of kittens so much as grown cats). After running into me outside one day and finding out we are registered kitten fosterers for the county, my neighbor came to me for advice and I helped her out with the kittens. Sadly, by that point the three of them had come down with a mysterious illness, suspected to be parasite-related. Despite our best efforts, by 7 weeks of age, he was the only survivor of his litter.

She became deeply attached to little Nik, even more so because she couldn't save his sister and brother, but knew she couldn't take care of him. He'd grow up, and she would struggle with her phobia despite her love for him. And besides, she struggles with mental and physical health issues as is, and is going through some challenging life stuff right now on top of it all.

She's been having a difficult time finding an adopter for him - and is very worried about ensuring whoever adopts him will take proper care of him and shower him in love and spoil him. At the same time, our roommate has moved our since we got married, and took his two cats with him, leaving us with "only" three cats and two dogs. So we had been discussing possibly adopting another cat. And it would be so great for her to have this bundle of joy she loves so much be directly across the street where she can visit or even borrow him any time she likes....

So we did! And he's adjusted so incredibly well. Everybody loves Nik and Nik loves everybody (though I'm missing a pic of him and Cleo, our calico). He is super sweet and snuggly, and loves to play-fight with both the dogs and the cats. He did have scabies when we got him, but we fortunately already had medication for it (one of the upsides of having so many animals - we have a home vet pharmacy at this point). So we treated it immediately and it hasn't spread despite our being far too soft to keep him quarantined (well, it wasn't just our softness - we also didn't want him to miss out on crucial weeks of learning, development, and socialization).

He's just the best. I have to admit, while we have a male dog we adopted in early 2018, I always said I'd only adopt female cats. I've just always had the sweetest, best female cats, and the male cats I've known have generally been unfriendly, if not outright aggressive. But the circumstances were just too perfect. The only complaints I have so far are that, 1, despite being litter box trained, he's been shitting under our bed because he's so attached he doesn't want to leave our room. So of course I did what anyone would do and bought a litter box for the bedroom. And 2, he's definitely got some attachment issues and screams endlessly if I kick him out of the bedroom so we can sleep. Fortunately, this is easily solved by making sure I don't just kick him out, but take him all the way out to the rec room where the other cats are so he's not lonely.

Also... he's definitely an ass man 🤣

And my last little gem for you all is this: I have turned my poor Nik into yet another iPad baby. If you have cats, especially young kittens, and haven't heard of the app Cat Alone... girl have I got a TREAT for you! Just look at him. This is a tame video, but he usually goes nuts hopping all over my phone chasing the beetles. They make fun noises when he gets 'em.

And it's not just beetles - you can pick from other bugs, a finger, or a green laser pointer-style dot of light. I usually let him pick now, and he actually knows which ones he likes and clicks them! And to top it off, he's started asking for my phone when he wants to play by jumping on it and biting at it, then sitting up and staring at me until I get the message.

I'm sure I'll be reblogging this and posting a ton more Nik content (tagged Nik & in my catposting, petposting, and mine tags). Let me know if you have any specific requests for content of him or any of our other 3 cats and 2 dogs! I love sharing the immense love and comfort we get from our zoo with the rest of the world.

And lastly, since he knows how to use the phone, if you comment or reblog and say hi or welcome home to Nik, I'll let him type out a personalized reply for you 😋

[nocompromise-noregrets]

five good things

okay, gonna start with the main one because it's a big one:

LAST CAT STANDING IS GETTING HIS THYROID SORTED! He's had an overactive thyroid for pushing on for three years and we've been managing it with medication but it's been getting worse and although there is a treatment that will fix it outright (radioactive iodine injection) there have been such shortages that only one place has been doing it and their waiting list is over a year long, so he wouldn't be getting it this year, and he's nearly 18 so the longer he has to wait the worse he's going to get. However! Our vet called us last week and said she'd been doing a bit of research and found a couple of places much closer to us who are offering the treatment again and have much shorter waiting lists - one of them only about a month - so we said please refer him to one or other of those, and settled down to wait. Then I got a call yesterday from a very lovely vet at one of the places who talked me through it all and booked him in FOR TWO AND A HALF WEEKS' TIME. He'll have had it done by the time he turns 18 in mid-April! The really amazing thing is that this treatment has a 99.9% success rate - the vet described it both as 'the gold standard' and 'magical' and if a Sensible Veterinary Science Person is describing a treatment as 'magical'...well. I can't even begin to describe how thrilled we are. Our other three all had things that couldn't be cured (we don't even know what it was that Beanie had) so to have something that really can be cured straight off with one injection is just...it's such a relief you guys, I don't know how to tell you.

I've just had a really good two days at job number two with my gardener-lady biographer (who has turned into a really good friend and in fact bought our lovely little car off us a couple of months ago - so I got to see the little fella again which was lovely) - we did some reboxing of the stuff she's been sorting out, shuffled everything up and sorted it into a better order, and it all feels a lot more manageable now.

X-Men 97 is out!!! I haven't had chance to watch it yet but I'm SO EXCITED YOU GUYS OMG. I've seen a few stills, and it looks like my beloved Gambit is just as he was, and oh I am so pleased. <333333

The sun's been out today and we went for a wander at lunchtime, the spring flowers are all out and it was just so gloriously lovely to stand in the sun and feel warm.

Barduil Month is nearly here! (if anyone wants to prompt me please feel free - I have a couple but am always on the lookout for more!)

I am sitting in the pub with a very nice pint of Camden Hells and the laptop, one of my fellow regulars who I get on really well with is in the back room watching the rugby on his ipad and is going to come and join me when he's done, and some of my favourite bar staff are working. I am utterly knackered (I am such a lightweight, I'm not used to doing five-day weeks any more, and when I do two days in a row for job number two, to make it worth it for my friend to come up from London to work on gardener-lady's papers, I am always utterly wiped out at the end of it) but I'm chilling out and decompressing, there's a Wall of Sound playlist on the speakers (Da Doo Ron Ron currently) and everything is very lovely.

Both Isaac Howlett from Empathy Test and The Holy Ones have new singles out! Isaac's is here and is just perfect wounded-yearning-boy electropop (much like Empathy Test really) and THO's is here and is huge fun stoner-rock and Japa-the-guitar-player (who is one of my favourite people from the Finndom) hasn't changed a bit in fifteen years and I adore both him and the song. I'm hoping they'll announce some shows - they were playing in Helsinki in May 2020 and announced the show with enough notice that I was able to make arrangements to go, and I was on the point of doing so when Covid happened, the show was postponed to the September (when I still wouldn't have been able to enter Finland) and then cancelled, so I'm really really hoping they come through this time because I'm dying to see them. I also have itchy feet like you wouldn't believe and am dying for an excuse to go somewhere, and Helsinki being one of my favourite places in the whole world, well... :D :D :D

I had a fab birthday last week, and we went up to the new 'food dock' in town (one end of the docks has been converted into lots of bars, cafes and restaurants and it has been a very protracted process but it's finally finally all open) and had awesome burgers, locally-produced ice cream and locally-produced beer and looked at the pretty lights on the water and generally had a lovely evening of it.

Aaaaaand I have a fancy record player that works with our fancy wifi sound system, and Placebo's last two albums on vinyl, courtesy of the missus, and it's fancy enough that it doesn't auto-return at the end of a side so for the first time in about forty years I heard the track in the runout groove of side two of Sgt. Pepper which I hadn't heard since my dad got a tower stereo system in the 80s that had an auto-return and didn't play the runout groove and...yeah. Awesome. I sorted all my vinyl back into order (the missus does not do alphabetical order, and she'd had it all out of the cupboard at some point to do something or other behind the cupboard and then had not put it back in the right order), rediscovered a good few things, listened to a bunch of stuff and generally nerded out quite happily for a good few days XD

I had 96% on my most recent OU assignment XD all that's left to do is an essay plan for the final assignment, and then the final assignment itself, and given that I find planning really difficult, I'm probably going to write the final assignment and then summarise it for the plan, hand that in, then hand the final assignment in once I've had the feedback from the plan XDDDD And then I will be done, and I will be the king's favourite band (the Three Degrees) XDDDDDD

I think that's more than enough, don't you? :D Things are pretty all right at the moment, which is rather nice.

[chronic-crassicaudiosis]

Before reading this, just be aware that I'm not a good person nor I want to be one and I'm also an only child which makes me just unpleasant to be around.

I'm gonna put a read more because turns out this ended being way longer than I expected. It's just a rant and idk if it even makes sense.

I have to start the TFG (idk how to say in English sorry) and we have the idea and everything and I don't want to be mean but I'm not going to let anyone (we are 3) take control of the graphic design.

But yesterday I went to the movies AND WHILE I WAS THERE CRYING MY EYES OUT, One of the members of the group (I'll just call they MG) sent an icon to the group chat. AN UGLY ICON IN JPG

DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT EVEN IF THE ICON WAS OK WE COULDN'T USE A FUCKING JPG FOR AN ICON??

Like please I'm not asking for a SVG, just a PNJ would be better or at least show me that you have some minimum knowledge of IMG formats (that where part of the course).

I haven't said anything yet, and I understand that the way that we have structured the work MG is not going to do much and they just want to contribute more but this is my territory (I know my Tumblr is ugly but I made it in 2011 and also idc).

Like I have Photoshop knowledge, a wacom, a fucking iPad that I bought just to draw on procreate...

Also we spoke yesterday morning about starting working on the project next Monday ... So what is this back stabbing sending ugly stuff when I'm out ?????

The thing is, MG sent a bunch of icons and I'm sure they spent some time doing them but I just don't like them, they are basic and not centered and Idk how to proceed.

I don't want to wait until Monday because I don't want to make them lose more time 'designing' more logos but also don't want to make it a competition (for me it already is) and start to send back stuff too.

I just wish MG hadn't sent anything so we could just work as a group and think some concepts together or just leave that part for later since right now is not important.

We have so much to do first before starting to think about icons and logos ... This is so stupid

If they send anything more to the chat, I think I'll just tell MG to wait till Monday so we can discuss it the 3 of us.

Also the other member of the group, I've known him for longer and I don't think it is fair to go to him behind MGs back to tell him this. I don't want to be shady, this is just my imaginary beef.

One last thing is I think we have like a solid idea but we have to still refine it and make it work before making it 'pretty' like now is not the time for that

Bitch

[emimayooo]

🛼🦷🔪

HELLOOOOO ROWAN🥰🥰🥰

(answering for this ask game!!)

🛼 describe your latest wip with five emojis

🧙‍♂️💋🧝‍♀️🐺🗼

🦷 share some personal wisdom or a life hack you swear on

This is especially pertinent to ADHDers/autistics, but whenever you’re learning a new skill, try to relate it to what you're interested in. For example, I wanted to get into reading, but I didn't accomplish that until I related it to my goal of becoming a better (fanfic)writer. Graphic design; I went to community college for it because the thought of designing my own book covers and graphics for fandom friends interested me a lot. Bookbinding, too; I took a very intensive weekend workshop that I otherwise never would have attempted because it was so strongly related to my passion for fanfic. I've also bought a microphone for the purposes of podficcing; haven't started yet, but I hope to soon. Also, when I was taking coding class in uni, what helped me stay invested was applying it to the context of Ao3. How could I use coding to improve my Ao3 experience? Etc. (Which resulted in my making a comment box for my iPad and iPhone.)

So, everything I do essentially relates back to my special interest that is fanfiction. Even my career will (hopefully) relate to it, should I commit to the fan scholar route that is my current trajectory. Dunno if that's the smartest move, career wise, but passion-wise? Yes. I think I'll do great.

🔪 what's the weirdest topic you researched for a writing project?

I'm not sure if it's weird, per say, but I did do some intense research into mid-2010s France for the sake of a FE3H WIP, lol. Like, I did betaing in exchange to interview someone about Paris, and reached out to another Parisien for that purpose too. But I didn't end up finishing the WIP anyway lol cause it got way out of control.

Anyway, thanks for the asks bestieeeee🥰🥰🥰

[pastryslutsupreme]

Yoo your oil paintings look lovely!! 🥺 I've been wanting to start using oils myself but I haven't figured out where to start :,) There's just so many things to consider and get. Could you give me some advice, if it's not too much trouble?

Hi!! Thank you sm! I went to bed and suddenly the paining has OVER 700 NOTES. OH MY GOD. Thank you to any and everyone who has even THOUGHT about the painting in a positive light, I love you forever!!

Anyways, disclaimer bc I’m not formally trained in oils nor am I an art student. this is a hobby for me. I’ve taken a class or two but I’m using YouTube and willpower here.

I think to start, the most basic supplies list could probably be found on YT but I will say one thing; a lot of the videos I found said to get a much bigger range of colors than I think I need when I was starting out. I recommend going for a smaller color range and just focusing on using color theory from there on out to learn how to mix colors. However a supplies list is better to google imo! One thing I will say is that you might want to buy a bigger tube of white bc you go through that quickly. Also, keep in mind that the specific color and paint grade can affect how it works. For the most part it doesn’t matter but for techniques like “glazing” (AKA you create an underpainting and then use thin paint over it like a glaze) the kind of paint you get is important. Also, if you’re going to skimp monetarily on anything, don’t skimp on paint! Save money on brushes or other supplies bc oil painting is an expensive hobby (PSA CLEAN YOUR BRUSHES). All supplies I’ve bought have been from a basic Blick Art’s store.

Secondly, once you’ve got supplies and some practice canvas (I recommend some small sizes like iPad sized ones, and then once you’re more confident working big try something like 11x14. Atm don’t worry about the kind of canvas you get, a cheap cotton canvas is best for beginners). As for paint thinner, try to go for the eco friendly kind that’s made from natural stuff. It will still smell and release fumes but it’s not as toxic and it can usually be disposed of easier. Regular paint thinner like turpentine and mineral spirits CANNOT BE POURED DOWN THE DRAIN! Keep it in a tightly sealed glass jar, google disposal procedures and paint in a well ventilated area or outside to avoid fumes. Always stop painting if you get a headache!). There’s also other fancy supplies like quick glaze (brown goo added to make the paint dry quicker and apply smoother) or stand oil (kind of like roasted linseed oil that’s used to make paint dry slower and increase transparency) but I think you learn to use those later.

Also, for the actual painting part; most of the things I’ve painted have been through sheer willpower and a god awful amount of color theory. I used my basis in drawing for getting proportions right and such, but most of oil paint is color theory. Once again a YouTube vid may be more helpful here than me, but quick tips:

-study the color wheel, it’s important! Keep on one hand when painting.

-adding pure white or black to a paint color can dull it down. A lot of what looks like “black” in a painting is usually just opposing colors mixed to create a very dark color, ex) red and green mixed to create a deep brown.

-certain paints behave differently. Some are more liquidy, some are more potent, and some behave in ways that tbh you just gotta see for yourself. For ex: lots of earth tone colors like some yellows seem drier out of the tube. When mixing colors, sometimes red paint will more quickly overpower your yellow paints, so use less of that red instead! And some paints just behave weirdly, like cadmium red and most yellow paints in my experience. Cadmium red light looks like bright orange, not really red. Yet, when mixing colors and you think adding red will make a color warmer, it offend turns the color a little pink/has slight cool tones. However if you add cadmium red light instead, it tends to get warmer without leaving behind weird pinkish cool tones. This is semantics and will make more sense if you actually just paint but yk. Also, when mixing with yellow paint be aware that it changes colors in weird ways and if any yellow is anywhere on your brush or Pallette, it’s getting like. Everywhere. Fun Fact (in my experience)

-mix your colors with a palette knife if possible.

-Paint with bigger brushes first and paint areas with the biggest brush you can whenever possible. It help reduce streakiness and improve blending.

-sometimes you need to think out your paint with paint thinner but be aware that it will lift whatever paint you have on the bottom if you work it in too much.

-learn different painting techniques like Alla Prima to paint with confidence and to learn to loosen your hand. Lots of oil paintings looks so tight and detailed and nothing looks out of place, but the truth is that perfect blending is often achieved with roughy strokes of color first to establish shadows and highlights first. It’s scary and often seemingly impossible, but try to learn to pick out colors from photos/life and try to paint more loosely. Place the colors where you see them and blend a little later often works best.

-get an apron. It’s messy. Also, while you’re buying supplies get some oil paint cleaning soap (also the eco friendly kind!) and use that on yourself and your brushes to clean up. Oil paint is literally straight pigment and oil so it stains horribly, work accordingly.

-when you mix paint you have to “pull” the colors to be cooler, warmer, darker, or lighter. You usually don’t use out-of-the-tube colors and you have to change them a little. Most of the colors you use in the painting are going to be silently tweaked. This is just something you have to get used to because it’s hard to just tell your brain to see colors as anything but “light brown” instead of “burnt sienna mixed with white, a tinge of purple and some burnt umber”. And trust me, after my first oil painting class I was starting to see colors on the walls and thinking about what paint combos you had to use, it’s freaky

-as always, just try it! All knowledge is relative and in art especially there are a lot of interconnected things. Just try painting for the first time and experiment! My first oil painting was not perfect nor did I like it at first. It was really just a way for me to get used to how the paint worked. Give yourself some time to just learn how the medium behaves

-and if possible, take a class somewhere! Lots of art schools have them although they tend to be painting intensives. I took one as a summer class and although it was a crazy intense experience (and $$$) it was probably the best thing I ever did for myself as a painter. Disclaimer, it was at a well known art school so that def changed the quality, intensity and cost of the experience from most art classes. But still, classes anywhere can help you learn good technique and most of all raw experience. Also, I learned how to grind out paintings like no tomorrow, even if I was painting six or more hours a day. Worth it, but absolutely not necessary. Also, YouTube classes can be just as if not more beneficial sometimes!

I think that oil painting is a super great medium that presents infinite possibilities, despite being finicky and costly. I really love it and I don’t have formal training but I wanted to try it and here we are! I say just go for it if you have the means and the willpower. Also please try to google things and consult more academic resources bc my word isn’t gospel, especially in regards to safety hazards. Still, have fun with it + I’m sure more advice will pop into my head later so I’ll add to the post. For now, try it and have fun :)

[lokita-erica]

I typed into tiktok "things I use my laptop for"

I don't know what a functional adult does in a capitalist society. I haven't had a job in like 6 years, almost. I bought a laptop after my husband died; I bought an ipad and apple pencil after my husband died; I bought a kindle paperwhite after my husband died; I bought so much to try and fill that void and find something productive to do and yet I don't even know how to use it all. I started a sticker shop and months later closed it up because it just didn't feel right. Nothing feels right but it's ok. It really is okay because I'm taking cute pictures and writing little blog posts. I'm trying to find a way through this. I'm journaling again. I'm making jewelry, I'M FINDING MYSELF. I lost so much but I'm finding new things. I'll never find what I lost. I'm writing down all the things because I want to be me again. I want to know what I should do on my laptop. I want to use my phone effeciently. I want the money I spent on the ipad to not go to waste. I want to make sure I'm always reading so I at least look like I'm functioning?

The world sees me so differently than I see myself. I'm going to collect pretty pictures and lose myself in a train of thought or something like that.

[chris-aok]

Daylight

I've just discovered a company called Daylight that has launched their first product: It's an Android tablet that uses a new screen technology that provides the same contrast and matte surface of an e-Ink display but has the 60 FPS of an LCD. Cool.

In addition to this screen technology, they claim to have made improvements to the OS, UI, and UX to reduce the addiction, attention-grabbing, notification-spewing, dopamine-fuelled experience of most other modern smart devices; with the idea being that this is a device you will use more calmly in a more focused way with no blue light and less stress.

They're calling it the DC-1, which is short for Daylight Computer I.

I've watched a few videos about them and their CEO & Founder, Anjan Katta. He's got the eloquence and thoughtfulness of Steve Jobs. He spoke to me.

You can watch a cool introduction to the company, him, and the product below from S3:

I believe in their product and in their mission. Well, I believe in it enough to talk about it here, just not enough to buy one yet.

To be fair, I wanted to buy one, but what discouraged me was the following:

They haven't built up the supply chain to be able to ship units on a whim yet. Right now, they're taking orders for "batches" that will be shipping in the coming months. A Founder's Edition unit currently costs $729 USD (That's almost $1,000 CAD at the time of writing). A Founder's Edition is said to come with a stylus, charging cable, sleeve, and "extras". If you don't want to spend that much right now, you can instead put down a refundable $100 USD deposit on a unit that will be available in Q1 2025. At the time of writing, Batches 1 through 3 are sold out, and they were going to ship between early July and late September respectively. Batch 4 is open right now with 185 units available and it ships in November 2024. I don't do Kickstarters. This is their first product and even if I trusted that they would ship on time, $1,000 CAD is a lot to ask me to wait until November for. Or $100 to wait until next year for. I don't blame them for needing to launch this way, I don't think less of them for it, it's just not a fit for me right now. I bought my Steam Deck from Valve under similar circumstances, but I trust Valve, and I needed a gaming computer: I don't know Daylight yet.

I like my Kindle and iPad mini fine thank you very much. They're small, this is bigger. I don't need a bigger tablet. Admittedly, despite my efforts to make my iPad mini less distracting, I could do more. My interest in the DC-1 is purely out of curiosity because it's New Tech™ and I love tech. If I genuinely had a need, this would maybe be a different situation.

This is their first product. I have no idea how reliable the device is yet, nor do I know how trustworthy they are yet warranty-wise, or competent support-wise. I just learned about them a few days ago, so forgive my hesitation. Just because you launched doesn't mean you're ready to support your customers just yet. This is the late-adopter in me speaking: I want more data before committing. Maybe a year or two of reviews and seeing them in the news. Which brings me to my next point:

Who says they'll still be here in a year or two? I don't just buy devices for the sake of the device. I also want to know the company I'm buying from will support the device for as long as I use it. I respect that it took them 6 years to get to this point and launch, but if this screen technology is as revolutionary as they claim, I predict a few things could happen:

They get bought out by someone bigger (e.g. Amazon), they stop supporting their customers, the screen technology either gets integrated into the next Kindle or worse: The acquiring company mothballs the technology to silence a competitor.

Someone claims patent infringement and they get ceased-and-desisted into oblivion (I don't think this is likely, but crazier things have happened)

My favourite: The market recognizes the value of the screen technology and Daylight agrees to license it to others, making it ubiquitous and the DC-1 obsolete because others can iterate with it faster and cleaner.

Someone else manages to create a similar screen technology for cheaper

I'm excited by this product, this company, their philosophy, and their founder. I look forward to seeing how they evolve in the coming years, and I'm genuinely rooting for them. I might eventually pick up a unit one day, just not today.

Go get 'em, Anjan.

[pandesalmonster]

It's 4am and i haven't slept.

Blame the iced coffee i made earlier. Blame the Excel spreadsheet that I should have worked on this evening. Blame Twitter and Reddit for the unlimited content that's kept me up.

Lots of things on my mind again.

FIRST: my growing kpop collection expenses. oec and loossemble had comebacks this year and OOOOH. SHINY POBs. I want all the POBs. But I have limited money. I have gone over the supposed 3% allocation for kpop. I have too many albums (3 versions instead of just 1), Chuu and Heejin are comebuting this year. And Red Velvet! I don't have the money and space for all that! in general, I just bought so many things that they are piling up.

like that ^ is literally my philosophy for collecting loona items now. even if they're pretty, even if the store says it's limited. even if i have to wait 10 years for the prices to go down. I'm still working on accepting the reality though *cries in poor*

SECOND: the ongoing war in palestine and israel, and am i retweeting the correct information? do i have the correct information to form the best opinion? 2 filipinos have already been killed by hamas. if i retweet a tweet condemning that does that mean I don't support palestinians right to their land? if i don't fully agree with one side then does that mean I wholly support the other? Is it truly possible to support and condemn both sides at the same time? Maybe this is the "black-and-white" thinking that the boomers are talking about. This is a good thread: https://twitter.com/Ike_Saul/status/1711780282725011520

THIRD: kpop fancalls and the people who say "[group members] recognize me!" because they've met and talked with the members multiple times, and they went to all of their concerts. Like I'm jealous you know? How do they have the money, and the time, and the energy? And I don't even want to meet the members, I just want the clout and admiration that it gets them. I want others to envy me, if you get my drift.

FOURTH: is it possible to escape social media and screens? because just yesterday I felt sick, and I don't know if it was because I spent 30 minutes waiting for a bus, then 1 hour standing on that bus due to traffic, or because I spent an hour carrying my very heavy bag on my shoulder, or is it because the aircon was very cold when i went to the office, or is it my looking at screens. But like I want to be the cool girl who doesn't need social media. Or at least get my screentime down to 2 hours a day. I watched social dilemma and it still didn't stop me from doing 4-6 hours a day. Maybe I need to be more mindful of how people/ the algorithm is manipulating me to stay there.

FIFTH: Am i gonna get the drive to be better? Because I keep writing out my problems, searching for advice in forums, and then I open a distraction and forget everything that I wanted to improve in myself.

- You know what, maybe I will. I am typing this on a lovely laptop but it is company owned. I want to buy this laptop for myself. I want to edit my videos, and I will definitely need a fast laptop for that. Because my sister will be using the ipad, I cannot use that.

So maybe my drive will be to save up for that laptop as fast as possible. I've been wanting to buy a new phone (specifically, one that supports a stylus. So I can draw on it).

SIXTH: Am I ready to buy a house? I submitted a bid for a foreclosed house and lot near my sister's. I don't think it was approved, because I'm not on the list of winners, and nobody has contacted me yet. Personally, I don't think I'm ready to buy a house. But my mom is pushing me to buy one, because prices are only gonna get expensive.

SEVENTH: Am I gonna get the work ethic and drive that I admire so much in my co-workers? I will admit that I am not very fond of my job right now, but they are very lenient, allowing me to work from home, but I repay them with sleeping on work hours and not doing any work. I want to be like the ones that stand on their word and are very dependable. But I am not there yet. I want to work on being that someday.

***

You see, I rarely go on here, but when I do, I always have so many things to say. That's what happens when you bottle up your thoughts. I should be writing here more often. maybe everyday. Here it's easy to catch up to my brain. Writing on notebooks, although recommended by some, is really tiresome, you know? Here it's easy to backspace and just type, as many words as you want. When I write with my pen, my hand tires easily. Maybe because I've been using my phone more and my pen less.

They say hand-journaling is better for distracted people, but for me, typing is so much better.

Maybe I should write with a pen less, draw with a pencil more, and type on a keyboard more.

Anyways. It's 4:30am. I need to sleep for 2 hours. and catch up on the work I missed.

[eremiie]

not too bad a dad;

❥ eren babysitting ipad kids falco & gabi, i have had this thought on my mind bc i think their interactions would be so funny, so here this is. (bonus if you get the title referene)

❥ eren x reader | 2.1k words | pure fluff

the first time eren had to babysit was quite questionable.

actually, quite worrying if that's a good way to describe it.

you had falco sit on the couch and watch some television to keep himself entertained for the time being, while you sat in your room leaving eren to stay in the living room as well— that is until he slowly opened the door to your shared bedroom. "yes, eren?" you mumbled turning around to see him just standing, head cracked through the door.

"baby, why isn't he doing anything?"

"eren, he's just watching t.v... what do you want him to do?"

"i don't know... he's just... sitting there. he's so quiet, and just..."

you raised an eyebrow at eren watching him finally coming over to massage your shoulders while looking at your computer screen where you were typing away. "okay... that's a good thing eren, let him sit there."

so eren left, still clearly somewhat unnerved by the little boy for whatever reason, but you shrugged it off, continuing to do your work on the device in front of you.

you weren't sure how much time had passed, but you finally removed your eyes from your screen when you heard the clatter of a large object hit the floor. your eyes darted to the clock in front of you to see that it had been maybe an hour since you last saw both eren and falco, so with a sigh you got up and left the room.

the slight shuffling of objects moving around from the kitchen had caused you to turn towards it, to see falco in the middle of the kitchen floor holding a large baking pan with half baked cinammon rolls, some seemingly flattened, oven mitts on both of his hands, and when he turned around to face you the expression on his face was immediate worry and remorse— not to mention the large flour stains on both his shirt and pants.

it was only then you noticed eren beside him on the floor picking up another flattened roll and placing it back on the pan you assumed it fell off of, flour coating him as well as what you could only assume was other miscellaneous baking products.

"i'm— i'm sorry, i was, i wasn't— he— he," falco stumbled over his words causing eren to look up at you with an innocent boyish smile.

"eren...what in the world." you ignored falco, as you figured he wasn't the root of the issue, seemingly coerced by eren into their dilemma.

"oh hey babe, falco and i were making some cinnamon rolls. i thought it'd be fun." you weren't sure if this was fun for falco, the timid boy practically shaking in his socks.

"he asked me to! i— i—"

"it's okay falco... i know. i know." you shook your head at eren and screamed a look that said ‘clean this up right now.’ eren only giving both you and falco a confused expression before you walked back to your room.

you could only pray colt would trust you enough to let falco come back a second time.

there were other times where you wondered if having your own child with eren was even plausible.

you weren't sure if it was news that spread that you were a "great babysitter" or maybe it was eren who was the great sitter, but somehow you were in the brief possession of another kid, although eren almost refused to take care of her in all. of course, he was in no position to refuse, as you sat him down on the couch opposite while you did your own thing in the kitchen, preparing a meal for the three of you.

eren stared at gabi, eyes narrowed at her as if she was a threat to him, her ipad sitting on her chest as she looked up at eren time to time while she layed on the couch away from him. "what? why do you keep staring at me? weirdo..." gabi rolled her eyes swiping away at the device in front of her.

"baby, she just called me weird! did you hear that?" eren immediately complained hands flailing at his sides and you shook your head even though he couldn't see and even though you did hear. if anything, you weren’t sure if you were taking care of one or two kids.

"nope."

"seriously?" he huffed as gabi began to laugh at him causing him to grimace at her and buck at her somewhat playfully causing her to flinch.

"stop! i can beat you up you know." she gave eren a stink face, putting down her device on her stomach and crossing her arms from where she laid.

"eren, don't." you warned, knowing that despite him being a grown man, he'd bicker back and forth with anybody.

"i wasn't even gonna do anything." eren said back to you, still side eyeing gabi.

"yeah, cause you can't." she taunted as you placed the lid over the pot of rice and slinked your way over to your room to grab your phone, only being gone for maybe two minutes as you checked your notifications in your room, standing at the edge of the bed for a bit.

the minute you stepped back out gabi was on top of eren, pulling at his hair as he struggled to get her off of him, pulling at her hands as his face was scrunched up showing his efforts. he picked her up and threw her down onto the couch, and you slapped your hand to your forehead at his childish antics. "oh my gosh— eren stop acting like a child!" you came over and slapped his shoulder.

"what? we were just playing around!" you tugged eren's ear and pulled him to the couch gabi sat at previously with a stern look. gabi stuck her tongue out at eren as you scolded him from the sofa across from her.

"well you might actually hurt her—"

"he can't hurt me!" you turned around and gave gabi a fake smile.

"i don't want to get in trouble with your parents gabi." you said before looking back to eren. "watch it, eren."

sometimes, eren seemed more knowledgable about kids than you.

"look, see how they got to the other side? that used to symbolize the freedom that they thought they gained, and of course their friend still thinks it represents that but he—"

"falco?" eren interrupted you coming over to sit on the other side of falco, swinging his arm over the backside of the couch, causing you to glare at him.

"eren, i'm trying to explain the show to him."

"baby, he's clearly bored," you looked down at falco and he did seem less enthusiastic than you, but when he looked up at eren, then to you he immediately shook his head.

"no—"

"he probably would rather play ball with me or something. i wanted to earlier but then you made him watch this documentary with you." eren motioned to the tv screen as if it was clearly the most boring thing on earth.

"eren, the documentary isn't boring... he hasn't complained yet." you rolled your eyes, falco's flitting between you and eren as he sat between the two of you. at least you didn’t think it was boring, you couldn’t even count how many times you had seen it. all you knew it that it intrigued you every time, and you could explain it ten times over.

"because you know he doesn't like to complain." eren wrapped his arms around falco's shoulder and pulled him closer,  a smirk on his face. "falco, would you rather watch this documentary with ______, or play baseball with me outside?"

falco seemed uncomfortable, and you took notice shoving eren's arm off of him. "eren, if you won't watch it with me then let me watch with falco."

"i've watched it with you like four times baby!"

"no you haven't..." the more you thought about it, falco was pretty quiet the whole first twenty minutes of the documentary you were showing him. as interesting as you thought it was; you weren't sure falco was enjoying it as much as you. "falco... you can go play baseball or catch or whatever with eren. i have some stuff to do anyways." you shrugged, eren pumping his fist and dragging falco to his feet, falco's eyes lighting up a little.

you couldn't help but give a small smile at his eagerness to hang out with eren. "c'mon falco, i used to play with my brother all the time, i'm gonna show you how to pitch really good."

you chuckled to yourself. maybe eren wasn't as bad as an influence as you thought.

of course there were times that eren surprised you, like this one.

"gabi, c'mon let's go eat." your arms were crossed as you leaned against the doorframe watching gabi's hands fiddle with the controller while her eyes darted on the screen in front of her. both her and eren were leaned forwards as he guided her to victory, babbling some game nonsense to her.

"let her play one more round babe, she's has one point on falco." eren held a hand up without looking back at you, murmuring a couple "c'mon," to gabi as she leaned forward even more.

"she has to eat, eren, i gave you guys an extra thirty minutes already."

"please!" gabi said also without looking at you.

you sighed, raising an eyebrow at the pleas of gabi. "i didn't know you guys got along now."

"we've always gotten along." eren replied as if it was the obvious thing in the world, causing your to scoff as he pointed at the screen while gabi spoke into the mic headset on her head.

gabi’s face scrunched up as she stared at the screen more intensely, her eyes suddenly going dark, eyelids dropping. "hey... falco, when did you get that skin?" gabi murmured, bringing her hand up to bring the mic closer to her lips.

"eren bought it for me last time i came over." falco said from the other side of the mic as the sound finally translated over. eren's body went slightly rigid as he side eyed gabi as she slowly turned to him, her eye twitching.

"what?! that's not fair! eren buy me a skin too!" she exclaimed loudly, hands flailing, and you were scared eren’s controller would fly out of her hand.

eren pinched the bridge of his nose, knowing the question was going to come sooner or later. "no, i don't have any money." there they went, bickering again, only proving your earlier point.

"then how did you get falco that skin, and why did you get falco it and not me? i been wanted it before him!" you could only imagine falco rubbing his face from the other side of the screen.

"because—"

"gabi i'll buy you a skin," you said, shifting on your feet as you watched gabi's character die on screen as she argued back and forth with eren. she smiled at your comment then glared at eren as she began to turn around to face the screen fully, jaw dropping at the 'defeat' sign now on display in front of her. "now come, eat—"

"one more round!" both eren and gabi said at the same time, your eyes widening in slight shock.

"okay, okay... one more round."

and lastly, there were times you were sure you wanted to have kids with eren.

"eren are y'all okay?" you spoke through the phone as you drove down the street, on your way back to the apartment you and eren shared. "i got all of us some food too, so we don't have to eat leftovers today. also, get their bags, colt is coming to pick both of them up today, he says thanks for letting him leave them with us this morning."

eren groaned from the other side as he pushed gabi off of him and you heard some yelling before he shuffled around and spoke again. "yeah, yeah, i'll see you soon, i love you." his voice sounded muffled through the phone.

eren was a bit hasty to end the call, you only able to get out an "i love," before the dial tone beeped, and you furrowed your eyebrows, placing your phone in the cupholder and continuing on the road home.

it had been maybe fifteen minutes before you arrived, unbuckling your seat belt and turning off the car. you didn't forget to grab the takeout sitting on the passengers seat as well as your bag before walking up the steps to your apartment. you unlocked the door and stepped inside, locking it back. "eren, baby, i'm home." you said loud enough for him to hear, but no response was returned as you shrugged your shoes off. "don't tell me he took them outside... i just said colt was coming soon." you mumbled to yourself as you made your way to the living room.

the sight caught you off guard, eren sprawled on the floor knocked out from what you assume was sleep, gabi laying down on the couch, falco at her legs sleeping as well, using them as a headrest. both of their bags were laid beside the couch and you let out a laugh. how quick did they fall asleep? it hadn't been long since you were on the phone with eren.

you set down the takeout bags on the kitchen and sauntered over to eren on the floor, his hair framing his face and his brows furrowed together as if he was in deep thought in his sleep. it didn't take much to wake him up, only a couple "baby," and some shakes of his shoulder before he jolted awake.

"huh?" he rubbed his eyes and sat up, head whipping back to the two kids on the couch. "shit, i'm sorry baby..." he immediately apologized, letting out another groan.

you couldn't help but smile and bring eren in for a short kiss on the lips. "you're fine baby, you got their bags and everything, you can go to the room and sleep if they tired you out."

eren pulled you in for a hug as he stood up, you standing with him, and then kissing your forehead. "alright... i love you."

"i love you too."

yeah, you might be sure kids with eren won't be too bad.

[alkalinefrog]

hey, so, I had an art related question... if all of this is too much, feel free to ignore it.

the backstory is that I've had the same laptop since early high school but recently I had a birthday (I'm 28 now). my parents got me an HP laptop, and my friend got me a tablet, which she bought off of an online friend for $30. the problem is that I haven't had new technology like... ever? none that was actually mine anyway, and certainly nothing that could handle me using it for art.

and this is especially a problem when it comes to the tablet. my friend helped me get firealpaca onto the laptop, and get the tablet set up with the right drivers, aaaaand... I cannot make one line that looks good using it. I've been using pen and paper for so long and I have a really light touch, and it feels like I have to jam the pen down to get it to register, at which point I might as well have not set the pen sensitivity to anything at all because the thickest line is the only kind I can make?? any lighter and it won't show up on the screen at all. like I can ctrl+z and it doesn't even go back a step, the line didn't get drawn. there's like a 20% chance that any line I try to put down won't actually register. and tbh this isn't really what I had wanted... it's a huion tablet, which is the brand I wanted, but I was gonna buy myself one where you can see what you're drawing on the screen of the tablet itself. not just due to coordination issues, I think I could get used to that part, but because I feel like I wouldn't be having this specific problem with getting things to register. every single line I make looks like crap with this tablet, it makes me feel like I might as well be drawing with my feet, and I've been fidgeting with settings, and it doesn't seem like anything helps. I also still don't have a mouse for the laptop yet, so I can't click and drag anything very well because it has a trackpad, so messing with sliders is already aggravating.

I feel so lost and overwhelmed, and like if I buy anything else, I'm just going to end up with more unusable stuff because *I'm* probably the problem. I just don't know anything, and trying is mentally fatiguing me so quickly... my brain knows what I want my art to look like, and my hands can do it with a real pen. I just have absolutely no clue how to make this machine produce anything.

so I guess my questions are stuff like, what equipment do you use? are there tablets that will register a light touch or am I really going to have to be this heavy handed in order to work with one? what resolution/canvas size do you usually work on? any recommendations for what program to use?

overall, I'd really like to get myself something that feels more intuitive than the tablet... honestly, I was finding some success drawing with just my finger on the touch screen of my phone at one point. there were still a lot of problems with that, but the nail in the coffin was that my phone's memory space filled up and I had to get rid of the drawing app to make it functional again (it's an iphone, which is why). maybe I should just get an ipad or something...? though, one more thing on the mountain of potential options is the last thing my crumbling ADHD brain needs. I've been taking a break from art in general because I've still maintained my 40-hours-a-week work schedule through the whole pandemic... I do 10 hour shifts and work overnight, so I technically have free time since I only work 4 days a week, but the type of work I do leaves me with no energy at all. so I've been in an art slump and I've been wanting to get out of it, but this is just making art feel impossible, even though the whole reason why I've always wished I could draw digitally is so that I can color digitally. I had been drawing things in pen and scanning them to color in photoshop, but cleanup takes so long that I literally can't produce finished work anymore. I'm out of options that aren't prohibitively labor intensive and frustrating.

this was probably way too much information, but if you have any advice I'd be really grateful.

Huh, well first off HAPPY BIRTHDAY DUDE!! Congrats on the sweet new tech (even if it's been a bit frustrating) and well-deserved celebration!

From the sounds of it I think the main issue is probably your tablet (this is pure speculation on my end though, so you know, grain of salt and all). You're right in that you shouldn't have to fight against your equipment. I have a really light touch too and I've never had the same issue. I personally don't have any experience with huion tablets, but if you're having trouble getting your lines to register then it might have been worn down by the previous user. It's not so much about buying a monitor (the screen one) vs. tablet so much as getting working equipment.

An iPad is a great alternative!! I've played around with the apple pencil and procreate and it's a super intuitive program with (obviously) super easy set up! You get the drawing on the screen AND really nice pen pressure. I'm really happy seeing it opening up new doors for more people to get into digital art!

In terms of your current laptop/tablet situation:

My set up rn is pretty pricey ngl; I have a PC desktop computer with a 16 inch Wacom Cintiq. Getting started in digital art doesn't mean you have to drop a bag on a ton of equipment right from the get go though! If you're looking for a safe small investment, I'd recommend getting a Wacom Bamboo pen tablet!

This lil' baby right here is what I started with!! I think cost-wise it floats around 70ish bucks, but that's exponentially more affordable than buying a huge monitor. One of my friends who's also a pro artist uses a similar small tablet because it works great! That's an alternative that might be worth looking into.

You can also get free trials on other drawing programs (clip studio paint is a great one!) To test and see if it's a software issue with firealpaca.

You could also try checking online forums to see if anyone else is running into similar issues, or watch some YouTube videos of people reviewing different tablets. I know this might be even more overwhelming, so I'd try and narrow the scope to focus on one thing at a time.

My best advice right now would actually be to get a mouse, or any other accessories you need. I've also been in your shoes where I was completely overwhelmed, and I can say that checking off all the small easy things makes a HUGE difference! It makes you feel more in control of the situation, and even if you're still having trouble with digital art you can at least get more comfortable using your laptop in the mean time.

You got this dude!! I believe in you!!

EDIT:

Thanks @wooliebirds!

[caffestudy]

Long time no see studyblrs! I haven't posted any new content since my freshman year of college and now I'm a junior (yikes). I'm so grateful to all 60K of you for sticking around! There will be more content to come in the coming months ✨

On another note, I just wanted to share my journey on becoming more sustainable even in the studyblr space. When I first started this blog I went out and spent so much money on stationery that I couldn't possible use up just for the aesthetic. I bought without stopping and asking myself whether I actually needed yet another Muji gel pen (rip). However; going forth I will be taking more action to limit my waste production whether that be only taking electronic notes on my laptop/ipad or bringing my own personal cup, such as a KeepCup, to coffeshops (plus a lot of coffeshops offer discounts if you bring your own cup!).

I know not everyone can afford a tablet just to take notes on but even using old notebooks you haven't touched can mean something in the greater scheme of things. I know personally I have a tonnn of notebooks that aren't filled up. Not gunna lie, I could probably go another 5 years without purchasing another highlighter.

Together we can be more conscious consumers!

[skruffbag]

I fucking HATE the relationship my mum has with my brother. He's such a waste of space. He has multiple children he doesn't support, one he doesn't even see. He's a massive drug addict who expects everyone to pay for his fix. He's in his late 30's ffs. Every job he has he gets fired from because he can't be fucked to turn up, or turns up wasted. He's a compulsive liar who blackmails, manipulates, guilt-trips and bullies my mother until she gives in to him. He never pays back any of the money he "borrows". Yet she just lets it all happen and stays in contact with him, always tells him it's the last time when it isn't. When we all tell her what he's doing she just says "he's my son, what am I supposed to do?" She's chosen him over me all our lives. Every time. She risked my mental health so many times by letting him live back at home because he's too much of a scourger to keep a place. When I'd breakdown and say I can't live with it anymore and I'd rather be dead, she'd scream at me for trying to make her choose between us. Which was a choice in and of itself. He bullied me my whole life, allowed all his friends to do the same. Never protected me. Stole from me.

Yet, when it comes to me & my mother. Anything she buys me, such as a bottle of diet Dr Pepper, she moans on and on and on at me about how much I owe her, and how she spends soooo much money on me. There have been times she's bought me shit that I haven't asked for, and then expects me to pay her back for it. I've always been second best. I've gone without things my whole life so he could have the best of everything. I'd walk around in second hand shoes, while he was walking around in brand new Nike's. When he lived at home, he never paid rent, but ever since I turned 17 I've paid rent every single fortnight... even when I was broke as fuck.

It's always been this way and always will be until he either grows the fuck up (which he won't.) Or he dies, or my mother dies. And even when she does eventually die, I know he'll just target me and make my life hell.

I just want to move far away and not have to deal with either of them ever again. I hate him, with every single fibre of my fucking being. There have been times I've wished he'd just drop fucking dead.

Whenever I've taken an overdose and ended up in hospital, she always left me there. Never stayed. She wanted to get home to her fucking iPad. But when my brother was a fucking idiot and set fire to a caravan that he stole, and ended up getting burned and had to go to burns unit... she travelled to see him all the fucking time and stayed there for hours with him, bought him whatever he wanted, coddled him for his stupidity. Yet when I'm close to death, she never cared. Not a jot. There was a time I sobbed to her telling her I had overdosed... and all she said was "make sure you turn the lights off when you go to bed." Not even bothered. Completely unfazed.

And as I've gotten older, I've started to resent my dad for keeping me in those situations all because he didn't want to leave my mum. He risked my life multiple times, and failed to protect me on numerous occasions because he wanted to stay with my mum. Whenever he spoke about divorce he'd always go back on his word and everything was swept under the rug within a few days.

I fucking hate it here. I hate them. I hate how my mum basically infantilised me to keep me here so she could have someone to fucking take all her shit out on, and someone to blame. Whenever my brother moved out, or whenever he fucked her off - I got the brunt of it. I got the silent treatment, the short temper, the verbal abuse.

When shit happens and I get triggered and all of this stuff comes back up to the surface... I just want to pack a bag and fuck off and never come back. Fuck the lot of them.