#i havent been doing what i need 2 be doing 2 help my ocd / anxiety for a while nd i did it for the first time when i was panicking nd it was

[cowthey-blog]

hi im kind of here . not completely . ive been in a weird mental place for the last few days nd i needed ( still might ) need a bit of a ... break . :tm: . just kind of like . silently panicking a lot , my friend went home today so im still feeling low from . that . i know it’s like nothing i should keep repeating since everyone keeps telling me its fine over , but i really do feel foolish and kind of dumb for assuming lissa was an adult and as such i apologize for that mistake on my behalf . i want to ... keep writing and such , and i know its like . my ocd . being dumb and acting up but i keep like obsessing over over that fact that i Messed Up:tm: . i know it was a genuine mistake on my part and i dont think anyone like faults me for it , but its been something that ive been just trying not to harp over . but stuff like knowing muses ages is important , like not only to me , but to other people and its something i was negligent on and freaked out over . i will , maybe , i shouldnt make a promise rn , but i do want to add the muses i said i was going to , but i do wanna write them or i may just settle for a m*rvel / new .. multi ( me , literally made this blog less than three weeks ago ) since i saw e*dg*me the other night and i’ve been feeling it . idk ! i’m in a bit of a weird place mentally , taking it one step at a time . for right now , i’m mostly just sticking to my discord ( baby gamer .#6289 ) and talking there . thank you to like ... anyone who talked to me or helped me out while i was kinda geeking there for a second over this ( silly , i know and i’m sorry i got so tripped up on a simple mistake ) . yall are great . i love you .

[gaberoothekangaroo]

i havent been okay for awhile. there was the trauma of my childhood, early teens, and late teens that i had begun to process once being out on my own in college for the first time. but i wasnt focused on the trauma or what it had done to me. i was too busy exploring things that id hever had a chance to experience or do like my friends or peers had done. i was allowed to like things. i was allowed to buy things. to exist. and thats more of what i focused on. hard to have something taken from you if theres no one around to take it.

and then i graduated and returned home because i wasnt financially stable and didnt know where i wanted to go with my life. id gone to college for something i was good at and liked, not something i could make a life with. and i dealt with that instead of my trauma.

one of the things that cropped up in my late teens that never left, that i never ignored or put on the back burner was my picking. zits, pick. bumps, pick. scars, pick. enough time wasted that id lose myself for hours in front of the mirror picking at my face or sitting idly in my room picking at different parts of my body. its continued throughout my life. getting on a long dose of acutane helped to clear up some of the picking cause now there were less things to pick. but that happened more recently. i learned picking was most likely a body repetitive disorder. a cousin of ocd.

no one is a paragon of mental health in my family. my mom needs help mentally and refuses to acknowledge any issues. my dad is bitter over the fact that during their marriage she needed help and instead created a toxic divide that led to their divorce. no one ever talked about mental health in a positive way. or in something to look out for.

so i guess i never realized that picking was something i needed help for. trauma, yes but later in life was when i realized i needed help for that. so being away in college paranoia? ocd? something of the two slipped in alongside the picking and never left. it was never bad. i didnt count. things didnt have to be a specific way. but i checked the door. and again. and again. again. again. which graduated to checking the car. if i was still within 15-20 ft i would go back, unlock it, and check to make sure i locked it. yank on the door handle. and i would have continuous anxiety about is the car locked? not enough to overtake my thoughts, but enough to bother me until my attention was diverted to class or groceries or whatever. repeatedly check that i turned in an assignment. not just one, but multiple calendars or checklists. constantly asking my dad something multiple times. but are you sure? are you though? what about now?

and very quickly it transferred to my cat. check to make sure hes still inside. crack open the door to make sure hes still inside. look around the stairwell. check the door. is he still inside? and that progressively got worse over the years. before the pandemic it was bad enough that i would pick him up from wherever he was and put him on the couch in view of the window by the door so that i could see he was there when i locked the door. and checked the door. and checked. and checked.

pandemic hit and. i couldnt keep things clean. i couldnt keep my space clean. i couldnt keep myself clean. my cat clean. and i moved out of my room and into my office/the den. i did it while everyone was gone. i shut myself away because i could control how clean i felt in my room. but that progressed to not feeling very clean in my own room and hardly in my own bed. ive reached the point where i dont feel safe or clean being near my dad or sibling. they go out. they see other family. they dont social distance. theyve been out drinking and to restaurants. and theyre not vaccinated. and i feel so unclean next to them.

and the feeling of being unclean led to my showers growing from just washing extra long to multiple hours. 20 seconds is good enough to get the germs off your hands? must be applicable to the rest of your body.

it takes a lot of effort and energy and hypervigilance to be downstairs the 1-2 times i do it a week. then the effort and energy of showering until i dont feel dirty. its a lot. its been a strain. ive had the strong desire to stab myself and cry and scream because im at my wits end. this is not sustainable. ive trapped myself and i dont know how to get out. i dont know how to ask for help or where to go. what to do.

my cat has a cold and has been prescribed medication thats refrigerated, given 2x a day every 12 hours. i leave my room twice a week, spend an hour downstairs, and then the next four in the shower. i cant medicate him. and my anxiety is too high to call the vet back and ask them for something else. and im trying to be open with my dad about my mental health but its hard. he doesnt know everything. he doesnt even know 1%. and all i want to do is cry

im so tired. the pandemic has forced me to deal with my past trauma because theres a lot of patterns in the current trauma. its forced me to deal with my ocd or germaphobia or whatever it is. my chronic health conditions are out of control. i feel like im drowning in mental illnesses and trauma. and im so tired

[itsspelledkloee]

No one reads my posts but idc. Im going to use the platform i have to speak.

No one knows what I have.

Mentally? Anxiety runs in the family, so does depression and very bad OCD. I have these. But i also have hallucinations of shadow people, especially at night (even if im in a lit building or sm) and in reflections like inside cars or in windows. I have intrusive thoughts but they havent been bad in a long time. My old therapist thinks i have female** aspergers and synithesia.

Physically? I have chronic fatigue, which can affect my walking, horrible stomach pains (im assuming IBS no doctor has confirmed or denied, i also have been diagnosed with insulin resistance, PCOS, and im lactose intolerant) i have seizure activity in my brain (after doing an EKG) which i think is linked to why my right arm will sometimes look demonically possessed. It will fly around hitting anything and everything, but heres the thing, if I very very strongly stop my arm, it will move to my right leg to where i cannot walk, then my left, and then my face, at which point i just let it go through my right arm again because at least then i can walk and talk.

People are surprised when i tell them only some of these. They ask why i havent gone to the doctor, am i on any meds, what do your parents say, etc. Yes i have been to the doctors. The only meds i have ever been on is Birth Control (which made things worse) and stuff for depression and anxiety. Nothing else. The doctors usually tell me to “watch it” and to “eat healthy and excersize”.

My parents

Dad does all the talking, mom just wants everything to at least look normal. Here are some fun things my parents (dad) has done to help:

1) we went to disney, i could not walk well in the heat and for so long. My legs were slowly being less and less able to move. I saw a bunch of red scotter things all over and figured disney probably rented them out. I asked my dad if I could use something to help me walk. He saw what i was looking at, but told me he didnt want me to end up like the lady near us. The type of person who gets lazy and just rides those cause theyre fat or old or whatever. I asked them can i rent a cane. He told me that to get better, i needed to continue walking. As the day went on, my family grew more and more annoyed at how little i could walk.

2) also at the disney park, i told dad i wanted to go back to the hotel because i couldnt listen and watch something as intense as they were planning to. Nope, toughen up. I emded up just sitting on the floor inside a gift shop.

3) my family gets angry that i take so long in the bathroom. Ive litterally had blood from tearing in my anus, while they were telling me to stop being on my phone in the bathroom.

4) i was talking about my suicidal thoughts and such. He told me “you need to just stop with all that suicide depression stuff”

Im leaving for college soon. Im buying myself a cane for bad days. And to all those parents out there: Listen to your child when they say something hurts. Please.

[nvld-hedslife]

pt 1) Okay, so despite being a classic case of nvld, I'm actually fairly good at math because it is such a straight set of rules. The answer is the answer no matter what, and my brain likes that. Well, this year im in alg 2/trig honors and i have a D rn and im on the verge of just a major shutdown because i havent been taking my anxiety/depression meds either cause executive dysfunction and my friends want to get together thursday but *anxiety* and i cant drop agl 2 cause ive already dropped

pt 2) chem so if i drop anymore ill just go back to being the freaking dumb friend and i *finally have friends* after years of bullying and isolation i finally have friends but im just a burden to them and i keep having meltdowns and shut downs over stupid bs and im sorry but i have no idea how to handle my NVLD and i seriously need help because i know its making things worse ontop of the anxiety, ocd, depression and selective mutism (im a complete mess) im sorryDon’t be sorry! I’m not quite sure what the question is though but I’ll do my best to address all of it. With NVLD some people are good at “simpler” math because there are no exceptions to the rules which would be why you’re struggling with math now. As for taking your medicine, I know it’s hard but you really need to. If you live with your parents, ask them to help enforce taking your medicine. If you can’t do that, try some other therapeutic techniques. I can’t think of any off the top of my head though. As for being the “dumb friend” you’re not. Your friends should understand that. Just talk to them. You just operate differently. For me, even with taking anxiety and depression medication and intensive therapy, it wasn’t enough. What I think really helped me, was two things. I started volunteering at a place for people with developmental disabilities. I think it helped because it gave me a better understanding of myself and because helping others has a curative property (psychologically proven). Helping others gets you to think outside of yourself and distracts you from your problems. It also makes you feel better because you’re doing good. So throwing yourself into volunteer work might help. Also, having a pet helps too, partly because petting an animal calms you down, partly because it loves you, and partly because you are faced with a responsibility of another’s life and failure is not an option so you do it, thus empowering yourself. All and all though, i recommend making an appointment with your psychologist to talk to them about how you’re feeling and managing things. I’m sorry and I’m here for you and am more than happy to talk when you need it.

[actuallyadhd]

yo so i started meds a while ago, i wasnt in the best place starting them so perspective is pretty fresh for me these days. Im on 70mg lisdexamfetamine, i didnt actually sleep last night and to avoid any rebound i took my meds still and mentally i can still be overcharged in the way ill get stuck thinking on the same topic. sort of maladaptive daydreaming kind of way. im not doing a lot these days but sitting down and writing out a car insurance form actually helped the intensity of this...1

.. I say this because I havent really felt levelled, some sort of internal problem comes to surface, ive always had small ocd traits but theyve appeared, so when anxious/stressed (unfortunately im still waiting on Talk Therapy) it can come out, and i end up more serious than id like. also more sensory aware, i feel like this is all me though, like i could try drop the restrictions I have or stressers i feel, its just a lot of acute stress making appearance. It would help to see if this is a ..2

It would help to see if this is a probable option. In Scotland, theres 30mg, 50mg and 70mg to be prescribed for Elvanse, the 50mg made me too hyper. if I did 30mg, do you think thered be a dramatic difference? Or is it like the above, have you found in some cases there needed to be exertion in an ADHD’ers life? My anxiety definitely acts up, Im looking at BPD too. if there was a medication thatd work for all this id take it. Just I was dissociated before diagnosis and wildly twisted in a bad ..3

place in my life when i looked into meds. its been over a few years since ive really engaged. so maybe its just that? again i also havent slept, so thinking while my memory is in play im not as socially capable on my meds, i struggle with a lot of noise, and chaotic talkers. people who dont know what they want to say or say too much of too many things, people think im dumb so they think explanation is key and it really aint, do i need to chill or do you think a dosage tweak would work?…4 

just as a side note, i smoke a lot of weed. just because my friends deal and its kind of what they do nowadays until uni comes back. I want to kick my life back into play, but with the possible acute stress, and the fact im staring point blank at, what i think is possibly, a really really bad spell of BPD I’m not sure how to manage myself. I dont have a lot of support, i know if i did id be moving forward. I can do it without it too, i just have to ask these damned lengthy question… 5

It sounds like you do need some structure in your life right now, regardless of what you decide to do with your meds. It does also sound like 70mg might be too high a dose for you. Talk to your doctor about your options. I’m not sure about the rest though.

Followers, do you have any thoughts?

-J

[xxsohardxcorexx-blog]

Sometimes life just feels so...overwhelming. I'm on medical leave for stress from a job I was fired from for taking the medical leave. I'm at the end of my medical leave and still don't have an appointment to see provincial mental health. I've seen a private psychologist 3 times now but I don't feel like she really gets me. She wants to treat my daily anxiety and build up my coping skills. I believe my skin picking and eating is ocd she thinks it's a manifestation of my anxiety. Who knows maybe she's right but I've done it most of my life. She also thinks it doesn't need to matter. I tried talking to her about my depression and how I feel it's getting worse. She tried giving me tips for being motivated to do my housework and various small projects I've been putting off. I wish she would question more because what I didn't say was yes I lay in bed and think about killing myself. Pretty much every day. I don't think I will. But I think about it an awful lot. She says I need to not be so overwhelmed with the prospect of when my medical leave is up. What are my options? Most unrealistic, win the lottery. Next, apply for general unemployment which would run out in June. Apply for long term benefits. She didn't exactly persuade me to go for long term benefits so maybe she thinks I wouldn't qualify. I also looked into it online and I doubt I'd get very much anyway. So when my EI runs out in June then what? I have a college diploma that's basically no use - I had been trying to apply for reception jobs and hearing nothing back before I went on medical leave. I would like to go back to school if I could qualify for a program to pay for it otherwise I can't afford it, but I don't even know what I want to take or what I want to do. I don't want to work. I hate working with the public and I have always had interpersonal issues with coworkers at any job I had. I really don't know what I would be capable of doing. I had panic attacks daily at my last job if I didn't take a Xanax. That's not how I want to live. So maybe I'd get lucky and get a data processing job where I make barely enough to scrape by. Even with my EI payments I get it's not enough to cover my bills. My husband has been helping out more thank goodness but it's left us both dealing with credit card debt. My credit card is constantly over limit and I pay it down just to under it until the next interest payment comes out. Plus with winter coming, there will be gas bills again. I just think, I don't have an option to not go back to work, financially. If I go back to work I won't be able to cope and I will be a constant mess of anxiety and for what? Not much. I doubt if I'd make more than minimum wage. If I quit smoking it would help ease my financial burdens but it's so hard. It's so so hard. I take comfort in having a cigarette and I'm trying to get back on my esmoke but it's just not the same. But I really can't afford to keep smoking.

I tried calling my mom the other day after not talking to her in a week. She didn't answer and hadn't called me back. It's been 4 days I think. I'll try calling her tomorrow. I don't even know what to say. I can't tell her I think about killing myself it'll send her off the deep end. I don't want to talk about my money struggles because she has helped me out so much with money problems she will just bitch me out for getting to this situation again. It would just be nice for her to call me to check in and show she cares. It would be nice for my family to realise I'm not just lazy and they think I have been having a lovely relaxing summer off when every day I worry what I am going to do with my life. They don't have depression, they don't have anxiety, they don't understand.

I don't know why I feel so...entitled? I feel as though because I struggle so much with my anxiety I deserve to not work. I know this isn't an option. But I don't know why I can't seem to stop feeling that way.

My husband is what keeps me going. When I had suicidal thoughts before I'd thought he would get over me and find someone else. Maybe he would who knows. But I know he loves me more than anything in this world. And I love him, I truly do. I couldn't do that to him. I couldn't leave him to deal with it and bear that pain by himself. He tries so hard to be supportive and understanding and loving. I do truly feel loved by him. And he is the number one reason I would not kill myself. The time I spend with him, I don't feel so down. Sometimes I will still have anxiety attacks and bouts of depression when we're together but by and large he is the bright spot in my day. I can try to put aside my fears about the future and focus on the present, our love, the here and now. And during those times I don't think about killing myself and wonder how I even do when I'm alone. But right now he's in bed and I haven't made it there yet. And my mind is going crazy. I took a Xanax before I started writing this but I don't think it's working yet. I thought maybe keeping a journal would help, to write all my thoughts down. I decided on this for 2 reasons- laziness to find a paper journal and I didn't want it being read. This might be read by strangers but no one knows who I am here. Maybe if someone I know finds it they could figure it out but at that point I don't really care too much.

Earlier I was scrolling Facebook trying to distract myself and there was an article of people's personal responses to the hashtag me too. I clicked but couldn't bring myself to read it. I went to the Reddit thread to type out my own story but accidentally closed the app as I was typing. It's painful to relive it. I don't know why I still think about it, almost 10 years later. I wish I could just put it from my mind. If told my psychologist about it but we never really talked about it past my first appointment when she was learning about me. One of the things she wants me to do is spend 20 minutes a day with one of my pets, most likely my golden retriever, and practice mindfulness with them, use them like a therapy animal. I want to try but the last two days I haven't found the time. My life is nothing but time though. I need to make an effort to do it tomorrow. I also want to get back to my yoga. I'd done well with it doing it a couple times a week on my own a few months ago and it did make me feel better but like everything else I just procrastinated it and found excuses. I realise I'm only hurting myself with this. It's just easier to zone out and play a video game or play on my phone. Waste time. And then bitch I don't have time. For not working I do a staggering amount of nothing. Maybe working again would get me out of my rut but I don't know. I doubt it. I'd been in a rut then too. I need to switch things up and try a different routine but...that's effort and my routine is comforting. Just in knowing I have it. Have my coffees and my smokes, play my game, maybe do dishes, nap. I havent made supper in a few days. I should tomorrow. I've just been stressed about not having money. I think I have 50$ right now and could buy a few vegetables with it. I had 3 bills take a lot of my money my last pay, I should only have 2 this pay, so maybe I'll be a little bit better off after. I have pork and hamburger in the freezer. I kind of want Asian noodles. I could make dong Po pork and pick up some vegetables and make a lo mein with it. The hamburger is huge because it didn't get sectioned before it was frozen and I'm not sure what to do with it. A giant chilli probably.

I just zoned out for a moment and thought about things I hated from a call center job I had a few years ago. I wish my thinking wasn't so black and white. And impulsive. My impulsiveness has led me into so many terrible situations I regret.

I think my Xanax is working. Or maybe this was therapeutic. I feel a little more calm. Definitely not going to kill myself, I just wish I would stop thinking about it as an option. Writing about cooking helped. Maybe I should start a cooking blog. Making money from blogging or YouTube would be great, limited interaction . But I don't think I'm talented or charismatic enough to make that happen.

Goals for tomorrow:

Clean catboxes because my cat doesn't know how to not shit on the floor. I literally cleaned them yesterday she's just a bitch. But I love her.

Get supper ingredients, make supper. This includes checking if we have noodles and defrosting pork. Maybe I could make it ahead of time so I'm not so rushed trying to do the noodles at the same time.

Take chair into pet room

20 minutes of easy yoga. I need to find a new yoga routine because day 1 of the one I'd done before was super beginner but I'm not flexible so it was challenging, day 2 was almost impossible and left me feeling hopeless about it.

Spend 20 minutes with my dog. This is no distractions like games on my phone or tv. She said no music either but I think spa sounds would be okay, not distracting.

I know I need to make changes myself to improve my life so I think if I do these things I'll feel better. I see my family doctor this week I think I might keep the suicidal thoughts to myself. Honestly seeing my psych has made me feel maybe worse than better because I'm realizing I'm anxious more than I previously thought, which is surprising and awful. And as I try to analyse the things I have to do to break it down it all seems insurmountable . But she is trying to give me the tools to better myself and I owe it to myself and to my husband to try.