#idk i need more time to like . think . and exist as a person nd get my Mental Health In Order

[bunnihearted]

❄️🐇❕

[bonefall]

How many Nightheart fans r former gifted kids and/or kids with mental disorders? I'm one, apparently you're one too, I think he's just nd coded

My Conspiracy Theory (tm) is that the writers didn't want to ACTUALLY portray a character who was trans/ND because they are cowards and fiends, but peppered in a bunch of lines of dialogue associated with it to draw in a certain crowd (me)

Like Nightheart fawning over Nightcloud, the constant self-doubt, "I see you, Nightheart."

But also, that assumes waaay more competence than they seem capable of. They can't even get details right between books in the same arc. Just a weird hunch I have-- and I'm keeping my eye out for an authorial statement that retroactively leans into it.

(which, if they have any brains at all, they will NOT do. The only thing worse than baiting is bait you're proud of.)

Anyway yeah, I think with Adamant Nightheart Likers... you kinda have two camps;

Contrarians: Unfortunately they do exist. They will hear any criticism of the books and double down on how it's actually divine inspiration. These people will write screeds on how Bumble had to die and are probably reading a different book that I've never heard of

"I Like The Concept" (the camp I'm in): Something's relatable about his anger issues. It's nice to see a character not just grappling with the legacy of Firestar, but actively rejecting it. We like him BECAUSE he's unreasonable. We LIKE the idea of a furious cringefail idiot who is the source of his own problems, people who snap back at him and then he believes he's the victim, and the thought that he'd either get worse or get better. There's a cool idea here.

Unfortunately, we're on book 3 as I write and it's obvious they aren't going in the direction books 1 and 2 seemed to be. Nightheart's arc with his mother, Sparkpelt, seems to have ended without meaningful self-reflection on Nightheart's part.

The wider narrative (as of book 3; there's still time to turn around) seems to be leaning towards the conclusion that Nightheart just needed to realize "his family loves him" and Sparkpelt has to be sorry for "not seeing him." They don't seem to see him as the problem in his relationships, which is disappointing

(Moonkitti's video, Not Orange, is a very fair critique)

But that said, like I went over, there's a lot that's really relatable about him as someone who had anger issues as a kid lmao. I REALLY love the idea of his sister who's every bit as awesome as he is cringe and that burning him a new one. I feel super bad for Sparkpelt and I love the angst potential of seeing her husband when she looks at him.

I love Squilf, I love Lilyheart. I love the way the only person Nightheart trusts is the only person who's never said no to him, and how Bramblestar can take advantage of that.

I wish his relationship with Sunbeam exploded and he brought out her worst qualities. I wish he had to grapple with the idea that he can't just "run away" from his problems in ThunderClan, because HE is the source of them. His situation is not like Dovewing's. He is the tar pit.

IDK MAN I just really like the stinky little nasty man. I like watching him get tangled up in his own web of self-pity, raising a superiority complex AND an inferiority complex at the same time. I want him to get better. I want him to be worse. I like to see what he does.

[queercoded-antagonist]

Any other autistics have the experience of masking by default (even if not masking well enough to seem NT) around people until you’ve known them for a long time/well and the mask starts to drop bc you trust them enough to know the Real You but then they lose interest/drop you? It’s really fucked with my self esteem having befriended so many people that seemed to like me and realizing (sometimes after months/years) that they don’t like me when I’m not actively performing and pretending to be someone I’m not. I’m scared of getting close to anyone now. And a lot of people are like “just stop masking and be your authentic self!” which sounds ideal, but for a lot of autistic folks, especially multiply marginalized, masking can be a shield from being treated with immediate hostility/judgement, having your autonomy rejected, etc. I don’t like pretending to be someone I’m not and I want people to get to know the real me. But I also don’t have the mental strength to deal with the social (and other) consequences of unmasking. I feel caught in a lose/lose situation.

I wonder about how the people on the other side of this feel too. When I stop masking around someone, maybe to them it seems like *I’ve* lost interest or *I’m* being rude because of the difference in my speech and mannerisms. Or maybe they don’t like people who act “fake”, idk.

A lot of folks think they don’t have a problem with autistic people. But the moment their friend needs something “obvious” explained, is seen struggling to do “basic tasks” independently, gets too overstimulated to speak, otherwise appears/acts unpalatable- they feel resentment. A lot of this applies to physical chronic illness as well. I’ve had friends lose interest in me when I actually set boundaries and stop pushing myself to do things that will put me in pain. The message I get from that is “I liked you until I realized you were an inconvenience”. So many people, including some NDs, only support autistic people when we are palatable enough. They like autistic people as long as the autism is something they can write off as a personality quirk and not something they have to acknowledge as a developmental disability. Even without the words “high and low functioning”, a lot of people (probably unconsciously) still view autistics in a dichotomy due to their level of support needs. Palatable vs unpalatable. Independent vs burdensome. Eccentric vs off putting. Worthwhile vs worthless. A lot of people, esp but not limited to NTs, seem to struggle with understanding that autism isn’t a dichotomy, that it’s more complex than “high and low functioning”. When they meet an autistic person who exists in the grey area, they mentally categorize us as one or the other. Lots of autistics have been told things like “if you’re capable enough to speak, why can’t you drive?” or “if you struggle so much that you can’t live alone, why expect to be treated like a real adult?” Many cannot conceive of autistics existing outside of this dichotomy. Autism isn’t a spectrum from capable to incapable, autism is a spectrum of many traits. An autistic can be capable of speaking eloquently while being far from able to understand unspoken social rules. An autistic can be a tech genius and struggle with disabling sensory issues. I am *incapable* of masking for more than a few hours at a time before shutting down, and even in the most ideal situations my masking skills aren’t good. So I’m caught in a situation where sometimes I can hide my disability at first but I quickly become unable to hide it. I feel like when people who don’t know me well learn I’m autistic, they’re fine with it at surface level because they think I’m “not that kind of autistic”. But then they find out I am in fact the unpalatable kind of autistic. And they get uncomfortable. Even a lot of well intended (including ND) folks seem to feel the need to neatly fit me into one category. I’m either infantilized, or held to expectations that I am too disabled to meet.

It’s all “I hate fake people” and “just be yourself!!” until the person in question is autistic. If I stopped being “fake”, everyone would think I was rude- even though I try my best to be considerate and thoughtful of others, I do so autistically, so it’s seen as incorrect. It’s very important for allistics to understand that an autistic person who loves being around you is not going to express it in the same way that an allistic person would. We tend to express our emotions differently. It doesn’t mean we don’t like you. And it hurts more than I know how to express when someone you thought liked you only wants to be your friend if you’re performing, and stops seeing your value as soon as you start expressing yourself authentically.

[my-castles-crumbling]

Hiiiiiiiiiiiiii Omg i havee SOOO much to tell and ask you its both sad and fun stuff, First off i wanna tell you that you are such an amazing person like seriously omggg how do u even exist like you must not be allowed away from heaven. Btw random: i heard u mention abt u in university so hows that going and whats ur majorr???? :)) And now the very very bad stuff: i messed up. not very uncommon you see, but very bad. my cousin whom i rllyyy love shes amazing shes like the andromeda to my sirius. nd my dad's side is very cruel to my mom before i ws born and they also shamed her for having a kid (my sis) that has problems (they refuse to tell me what it is but she has 2 problems idk the first one she has since birth and the second is that she had um.. men parts but when she was around 4/5 we founf out shes.. female? im a minor i rlly dont undersrand how ths works so..yeah. shes 8 now btw this year shes gonna be 9 y/o) basically very cruel people very very bad and so my cousin, whos from my dad's side, she came for like a sleepover thingy and my father commented on my mom's side and how they arent close to me even though they are my basucaly everything.. and in reply, i said how i like them and they are good and i said "my mums side is great... better than father side atlst" and she said "i can hear u yk" and i said that shes a excpetiion but when she wnt home she really felt upset and she had an exam but she stll didnt come to my house (my house is closer to her school so she stays here in exam time so it takes less tme in travelling) so my father cmpletly blamed me and now im so upset idek what to do i dont wanna apologize to her cz she doesnt know that i know that she said shes upset. my father confronted me about it and he got to jknow from my cousins mom so there was no direct contact but basically yeah thats it. i need help in what i should do to fix things again :( but this is the reason that simply talking wouldnt work and its rlly hard :( btw random: how do i start my microfic thing like do i just upoad a micfic or do i post smgthn else first if ykwim? another thing:

yeah idk but i think m bisexual and i have a bestfriend shes straight and supports lgbtq+ community but i rlly like her and cz were besties i dont wnanna ruin anything at all and im cool with how we r rn but at the same time i want more ykwim? and.. were like the touchy-feely kinda bestfriends so we hold hands n stuff as a joke nd people ship us and its so asdxdfgkhljhxx idek if i rlly like her as a frnd or i like her as in like like her.. but i also have a crush on a boy but it only lasts for 2 secs but when i see him again i start to thibk i like him again but my other rlly gud friend likes him so is it that i like hm and ignore my feelings js cs my frnd liks him or do i just like him as frnds,, idek were close we play games togheter n stuff but thtas about it..

also have i mentioned how much of an angel you are??? i literally scream and jump off a cliff casually when u reply to my texts <333 ilysm ur such a great person <333

xoxo, sweet potato <33

hi!

Aww you're so sweet! I'm not in university anymore, at least not in the traditional sense: I'm working on my master's degree. It's going.....not terrible lol. I'm majoring in ESL Education (English as a Second Language).

For your first question: I think this is a really good example of how talking through other people isn't the best solution. Do you have any way of getting in contact with your cousin directly? Because things are definitely going to be changed and exaggerated if you are talking through your aunt and dad. Once you talk to her, be truthful. Be sincere and tell her how important she is to you. I'm betting she'll come around.

For microfics: Nope, just go for it! You don't have to do anything beforehand, just start! I can't wait to see what you write!

For the last part: First, are you sure you friend is straight? If she definitely is, then yeah, it might not be worth it to say anything? But I mean, you could always try bringing it up casually. Like "Oh, I think you're really pretty!" and see what happens?

With the guy- I know it sounds cliche, but if your friend likes him, stay away. I've been there. I've seen friendships fall apart. It's not worth it, especially since you're not even sure of your feelings. I know I probably sound like a parent, here, but there was a full-on FEUD I experienced in eighth grade because two people were fighting over a guy and....yeah.

Thank you so much for the compliments, you're so nice!! <3 I hope you have a great day!

[callmearcturus]

im the patron saint of stoking petty fires so i'd love to hear your beef with TLOU and ND (which. idk what that is? my brain keeps trying to call it New Degas). feel free to rant

(hey this is a WHOLEASS RANT about how much i hate TLOU! if you even remotely like those games, maybe don't read this!)

my god. lottie. /drags hands over face. you need to understand that this is the beef of a person who has not played TLOU, will never play it, and haaaaaates it regardless. when TLOU2 won GOTY at the fucking game awards over more deserving titles with less fraught developers, i was incensed. i hate this games in the same was a child would hate broccoli. except instead of being good for you, broccoli is an emblem of everything wrong with the gaming industry, up there with Red Dead Redemption (which I fucking hate too).

Oh and ND is Naughty Dog, the developer of TLOU. Also there is some fucked up labor shit and sexual harassment shit at ND.

But what it comes down to is

I fucking hate prestige games as a genre. I hate what they have done to the industry. One of the markers of TLOU and ND's work is that they have codified what the Sony Studio Game has to be, and it's these incredibly cinematic, incredibly filmic, hyper-photorealistic dramas that want so fucking bad to be movies, I don't know how anyone talks shit about Kojima's movie boner while these fucking things are being made.

The cost that the rise of TLOU has wrought on the industry pisses me off to no end. Developers, especially the ones who work with Sony bc this is very much the House Brand of Playstation, fucking brag about "oh yeah we spent 6 months building the rig to animate this character's hair" and "we modeled these horses with such precision their balls get smaller in the cold" and "this lighting engine accounts for the dew point of the scene which we also coded an engine for"

all these things feel to me like feats of crunch, of throwing money at problems that don't exist, because it's a fucking blurb to tell IGN to hype your game, not anything the actual game benefits from or needs. making games is already such a fucking labor intensive artform and this shit feels like adding completely unnecessary complication in pursuit of a perfect simulacrum of reality.

i also hate the violence of them. i feel like ND thinks it's sooooo fucking ahead of everyone else. look at this, look at how BRUTAL it is, look at Ellie slit a human's throat in high definition, doesn't that make you feel something, GAMERS?

bitch, no. it doesn't. because that's one of the two verbs in these fucking games. you kill people or you watch a cutscene. and making players go "oh shit are we the baddies" has been an extremely common trope for years. Spec Ops The Line was 11 years ago, bruh, you need to learn a new trick than "making the player feel bad about violence, ooooooooo spooky". it's our ONLY. FUCKING. VERB.

they pour so much effort and money and time and labor into these games, these apex projects, and their verbs are the fucking same as the first goddamn Halo game. you kill things or you watch a cutscene. you just made the violence more visceral.

in the gaming industry, the people who really make shit that changes the landscape are people who try for something more worthwhile than "here, now you can play this gory movie." it's shit like new vegas asking me to make complex ethical decisions backed by hundreds of years of context and history. it's hades teaching players that failing is its own reward. it's toby fox using pixel art and a leitmotif to make me feel something. it's spiritfarer trying to teach people not to fear death and that kindness is important even at the end of everything.

i am philosophically opposed to the Sony Studio Model, to Naughty Dog, and to TLOU. I think they are holding the industry back. they're mediocre games because they're trying to be movies, and their mediocre movies because they're supposed to be games. I haaaaaaaate them.

[bluedalahorse]

Rambling? Venting? Idk. Vulnerability. Let’s call it vulnerability.

I don’t know if I want to even tag this because I’m trying to protect my verbal processing abilities right now and my eternal comfort movie Luca is playing in the background, so this isn’t going to be formal or polished the way I usually like to be when I’m posting, but… anyway, it totally kinda knocks me over that there are people out there who insist YR S2 wasn’t well written or Lisa is a bad writer or something because… something something our-oversimplified-version-of-wilmon-is-better-than-canon-nuanced-wilmon or some reason or other.

And I mean, when I say it knocks me over, I don’t mean it surprises me. That feels fairly standard for the internet and fandoms. I’ve been in fandoms long enough to know there’d be people with those takes. But I guess it knocks me over in… a Tired kinda way? A Deflated way? Something like that.

YR is special to me because of when I watched it the first time in summer 2021, and the things that were going on with me at the time. First, I saw it when I was completely burned out on Franchise Media (TM) and like, so incredibly exhausted from the MCU and how much everyone was still talking about it. It was refreshing to watch a show, not based on any existing IP, that delved into characters’ flaws and vulnerabilities, and that didn’t apologize for making you feel emotion and didn’t rely on quips or winking really obviously at the camera or whatever.

Second, I watched YR when I started my MFA in writing for children and young adults. The further I’ve gotten along in my program, the more I’ve felt that young people and adults alike deserve stories with moral complexity. And when we write young people as characters, the more we need morally complex stories for those characters. Teenagers live in a world that isn’t easy to navigate, and we do them a disservice when a story’s moral questions are too swiftly answered. As part of my program, I probably would have thought about issues of justice and human rights in YA lit regardless, but YR really pushed me to think of these issues in writing beyond just “good representation/bad representation.” (Which is important, but not the sum total of what authors should be focused on, and sometimes I feel like members of all fandoms overuse the word “representation” to justify their preferences. Sigh.) ANYWAY I love the way YR consistently resists easy answers and leans into its tensions. I love the way it’s always asking us, do you really want to find catharsis there? Certainly it doesn’t resolve issues by having superheroes shoot lasers at sky beams. I imagine season 3 will attempt to find some resolution for certain long running plotlines, but I also imagine what it doesn’t resolve will have the potential to open up some really interesting conversations, if we let it. Ugh, I just. Love dissecting the craft in this story! I love taking YR apart and seeing how it works.

Third, I discovered YR around the time I started to seriously think about ways in which I might be neurodivergent. (I’m doing my first intake call with a local neuropsych group in a few weeks.) While I have related to various ND or ND-coded characters before, Sara is pretty important to me because she was the first of these characters I connected to while exploring that aspect of my identity. I can see a lot of my child and teenage self in Sara’s arc; I wasn’t a horse girl but I did once beg my parents to send me to private school because I thought I’d be bullied less than in public school (they didn’t send me, because we couldn’t afford it.) I read novels set at boarding schools with a certain fascination because I imagined it as a place I could reinvent myself and be the best version of myself. I now know that I was romanticizing a pretty classist and elitist experience, but as a young person I didn’t really have the perspective to see and understand that. So I feel like I get where Sara is coming from, and I feel like her arc is such an important addition to the themes of the series. Like, we’re pulling the gilded veneer off of a really messed up system! Someone has to be drawn in by all that gold. When criticisms of season 2 boil down to “Sara had too much screen time” I like, can’t even be rational about it ahaha. (I hope people can forgive me this. I’m not saying Sara did nothing wrong, but I’m saying she has an important place in the story.)

Fourth, @heliza24 and I were friends before YR, but we were able to take our friendship to a newer and more exciting level while collaborating on our fanfic. And now we have ideas for original pieces we can write, too!

Idk like. I’m not saying YR or Lisa are perfect. I’ve got my quibbles with like the occasional thing here or there. Season 3 could still let me down. But I love it because it’s a well-crafted story with dynamic characters and resonant themes. I love it like I love Tana French and Elena Ferrante’s novels. I love it like I love Revolutionary Girl Utena and the history of the French Revolution and Socrates’s Antigone and Oedipus. I love it like I love Adib Khorram’s Darius the Great is Not Okay. I love it like I love so many of the songs in Ragtime and Les Misérables. All of which have their own flaws, but really make something in my brain light up and be happy.

I’m not really sure what my overall point here is. I think I just wanted to express this because I am currently having A Lot Of Feelings about other things in my life, and this feels like a place to rechannel them. And maybe if you read this far you got a chance to know me a little better, too.

[dojae-huh]

since u asked me how I get into jaedo...okay let me tell u my story...

I was hardcore dotaeist ..(i still am coz they gives me butterflies with their friendship).......I stan dy...he is my ultimate bias...even my bias wrecker too...I think I am in a state that I can't give his place to anyone...I love him as a singer,idol,smart and for a kind nd caring person etc....

How I get into shipping??..it is easy when u love someone u want the others to do the same thing....u knw dotae is a big ship...nd when I come to knw it they already have a couple ring...eventhough it is tom nd jerry relationship u will definitely knw how ty loves and adores his little brother ...so I cant just leave that fact out..I like the way dy loved..nd ty is the leader and everyone accept their dynamic even the membrs...it was when they had the link concert in japan when ty said there is someone in his life for the past 7 years and 127members all along said it is dy..ofcrs they were kidding...but dont knw why at that moment I fall for them entirely...

I even noticed j0hndo dowoo doyu domark and even doill ...u knw how taeil is when it comes to showing affection...but I could felt a warm approach of him towards dy eventhough he is good at teasing him...and 2 dongs are literally brothers for me from the beginning.....these all are just shipping things for me coz I knw evryone want to mingle their bias with someone to create more moments...like I wanted....but u knw what I didnt even knw JAEDO existed....even to knw they are a ship they had to interact or smiles during content right....when I come to the fandom I think it was their divorce time....can u imagine how oblivious would be me about jaedo ..haha...

So I am going to be brutally honest.....so jaedo was a dead ship for me....but i come to knw the fact that it was very big ...and come to knw somany accnts in insta and Twitter. ..and who is jae he is the most popular among neos...dont get the wrong idea of me but it is the truth...I like the concept of dy got to shipped with the most popular and handsome member from nct...it got me really hooked...nd ofcrs u would knw when u want to follow something u need some evidence and proof to make ur opinion strong..so I watched all shipping vedeos of jaedo...ok there are already shippers who proved their theory and made the vedeos...so I got such little thing to follow jaedo as a ship....and there were lot of dotae moments in 127 concert the link...where tae posted dy in his story nd also they tried putoff dy's tshirt coz dy teased ty...and finally that happend the cindrella moment of jaedo....I was really shocked nd impressed by jaes daring action. ...the total strangers during concerts just did what...and jae was full on it..coz he kinda stopped dy and put the shoes and lifted the pants without even flinching.....I thought what was it....so I searched it again and again untill ur blog showed up before my eyes...and the name was totally interesting which is what I really needed....so iopend it....nd u can guess what is ur role in opening my eyes into the world of jaedo...not only for this moment but I got answers to almost everything that i dont even doubted before..after all this I dont have time to look for other ship...cos i like real things rather than imaginations...but i am still in the middle of the reading..so let me knw heifer u delete it...need time to complete. ..haha....

Dotae still have an important place in my heart and I dont want to give it to jaedo...eventhough I started shipping them first I already knw they were platonic...I said I just like see dy is loved..and I wanted something to stay on the fandom coz I love dy that much..Idk if u knw sometimes shipping vedeos helps ...but as i knw nd felt jaedo is real and kinda felt how dy adores jae and how jae loves dy....nd I want exact the same thing...if dy got his love from a person like jae there is nothing more I need..I will have to support them forever I guess...god I trapped!!

Thank you for the long detailed reply.

Lol, I jokingly call Jaehyun "trophy husband". I was accused before a couple of times of choosing him as the most popular neo to ship Do with. As if the name of the blog is not the indication which way it went. It's ususally easy to tell who read the blog at least some and who spend a minute and got offended.

Basically. "Let's find out if this boy gets his dream man".

For some reason there are plenty of initially TaeDo shippers who turned JaeDo shippers. Could it be because TaeDo are so open about their relationship, so there is little room for imagination and pretense? (I very seldom see TaeDo shippers who believe they are real and not ship them because of their friendship, can't be said about JohnDo, JaeWoo, JaeYong). Or, perhaps, other ships with Tae are more attractive? (not a singing geek with an artsy dork)

Some new shippers also started to ask question after a particular moment. If my memory serves me right, there was Jaehyun taking a toy gun to reload out of Do's hands silently and TaeDoJae in one bed scene.

To continue a bit on your story.

Many fans come late and don't get deep into the history of the group, get most of their information from social media. Get wrong impressions and continue to be active in the fandom very sure they know what's what and can now teach others. This is why either the "oldies" or the original material (shows, interviews) are the sources to believe, not what's easily seen on twitter. Not on the topic, but Jaehyun not being acknowledged as one of the 3 best vocals in NCT is such a case. Jaehyun and Haechan were elevated in 127 to main vocal position after a few years. Haechan was always the main vocal of Dream unit anyway, however, with Jaehyun the change never stuck with the crowd who only measure by official labels (not being specialists themselves). Plus in recent years he didn't have many prominent parts in A-sides.

[fierceawakening]

ceanothusspinosus Oh! I did not at all mean to imply that competing access needs are necessarily solvable. They really truly may not be, and when that clash prevents a good relationship, it sucks. It also takes skill and practice to sort out what your own needs _are_ and it sounds like she is… not good at that. Possibly not interested in becoming good at that. Possibly ashamed to look at it too closely and see where she can and can’t compromise. Who knows. At some point it doesn’t matter for your purposes. :/

ceanothusspinosus I think that the existence of ableism provides a lot of context and imposes a lot of constraints on the whole situation. I imagine that in a less ableist world she’d maybe have different expectations of you and tbh of herself. But it’s not ableist to notice that different people have different abilities, and in your situation it makes sense that you’re really sensitive to concepts like expectations around “ability” used without failsafes.

ceanothusspinosus And in ~abusive/very unbalanced situations “ability” and motivation is commonly, idk. Complicated. Unclear. It comes down to “even if the most generous reading is true, I don’t think it’s going to change and I don’t want to live like this.” I’m thinking of you wondering if she’s copying some of your own ND traits/habits - I certainly can’t know from here, that’s definitely not the sort of thing you’re likely to get a straight answer on if so, it _could_ just be her own stuff...

ceanothusspinosus …so where does that leave you? Looking at the situation more carefully while you do your best to be what you consider an ethical person with no obvious answers, unfortunately. :/ And it’s clear you are trying to be careful.

ceanothusspinosus Also btw, thanks for being clear about the kind of answer you wanted.

No problem! I think part of the issue is, like... social justice types of framework, where you taboo certain phrases, really don't port over well when someone is dealing with an abusive situation or a situation that's leaning that way. Like, it's useful when my therapist says something sounds narcissistic not because she can or should diagnose anyone who isn't me (and I don't take her to be doing that), but because we have a somewhat shared understanding of the word. She's telling me she thinks that behavior is unfair, and the sort of unfair that stays that way and you don't fix with a clarifying conversation, because the kind of person who is often unfair in that way is the kind of person who isn't psychologically ready to have that clarifying conversation and is going to lash out.

It's the same way (and the same situation, I think, painted different colors) I eventually decided I felt about gendered slurs. No, I don't technically HAVE to call my abusive ex a bitch, and I actually wouldn't see much use in calling her that now. But at the time, when I was angry and hurt? Trying to police my own ways of thinking about what was happening were what got me stuck in the being abused in the first place. It was only once I could trust that I wasn't revealing some deep evil going "fuck that bitch" that I could get the distance I needed to rethink whether that was a phrase I wanted to use once the experiences were sufficiently behind me.

Which is I think the problem with a lot of those posts, especially online, that exhort people not to use certain terms to analyze the behavior of someone mistreating them. What that comes across like to the person trying to understand what the fuck happened is "you're mean for processing this in your mind, and if you want to do that you need to choose from the approved tools."

Which I think is why those posts got my goat so much. (I hope they wouldn't as much now that I've thought through this, but they might still bug me, I can't promise the berserk button is totally deactivated.) Survivors need space to be mean and aggro and messy, and just because we feel it this second doesn't mean we endorse it forever. People who are injured scream. This does not mean screaming is appropriate behavior most of the time. It means that it's normal when someone is injured.

Like with my ex. Reading books on BPD actually helped a lot! Not because I came out of it thinking "all people who have that are abusive;" I can think of several friends current and former who I don't think are abusive and who I certainly don't think would ever do the things she did that traumatized me. But because a long careful description of behaviors and psychic distortions helped impose some order on what I experienced as a maelstrom of desire and need and rage and hate.

I'm not even sure I'm going to come out of this thinking narcissism is the problem. I might even decide I think she's neurotypical when all is said and done, I don't know. But I need to be able to shut the social justice framing down at least long enough to sort out what I need, why what I have is not that, and whether (as my therapist has also said) the right thing for me is no contact or less contact.

And in order to sort that out, I need to be able to try on ideas like "No one cares that you're disabled. I care that you don't stop, whether that's won't or can't."

I can sort out whether that's too harsh *later*, when I know my own decisions and their results better than now.

Does that make sense?

[myatuesday]

[I'll post the context at the end]

As someone who is having a hard time connecting with other people and who lives an extremely solitary life, which others either criticize or try to coax me out of, I find takes like these (below) extremely confusing and/or misguided.

But is it just me? Like...

Ok. If this is the case, why the fuck do we need other people? I could argue that we don't. Yet people INSIST that we do. Ok. Then... how does that not contradict with this women's take? I don't get it.

This was my response:

"We don't have friends, lovers, nor choose to interact w family members all to just grey rock eachother. I understand the point you're trying to make, but there's a reason that relationships require the effort of *both* parties. Otherwise, we could literally all just live in solitary confinement for our entire lives. How do we connect with someone who isn't meeting our needs? We don't. And that's why relationships fail. Again, even the healthiest most internally fulfilled person has emotional requirements of a partner. Otherwise, wtf is the point? Just to have someone to split the mortage with? They still need to treat you decently and live in a cycle of reciprocity if you're sharing a roof. I feel like you're equating being an emotional vampire w having basic needs met. There's a sizeable disparity between the two. I find it hard to believe that you don't ever need a hug or words of encouragement or appreciation from the people in your life. Or that you don't provide those for others. That's literally the point of relationships. Support. Which requires reciprocity in order to function and be healthy for both parties."

Now (though I didn't explicitly state it) this is concerning how interactions should be within a relationship. Moreso than it's addressing if relationships should exist at all (though I did touch on that).

Idk if it's me or other people. Idk if this is a ND thing. Or an introvert thing. Or what.

But I don't get how we're supposed to fulfill our every need (not that I feel we shouldn't - just hear me out), yet... we "need" relationships w other people?

That makes no sense to me.

If all our needs are fulfilled, we don't need anyone else.

I just don't get it.

_

Context is: This was a discussion in this dating group I'm in (that I honestly hate). A friend of a guy (this is a women's group) was discussing how her male friend didn't feel appreciated in his last relationship.

Another woman said he needed therapy to work through his unmet childhood trauma or some shit like that (I thought it was rude and misguided, in this particular instance).

So I said,

"We all deserve to have our needs met in our relationships though. A range of very basic needs exist, regardless of our childhood or how much therapy we've had. And there are plenty of people out there, with their own issues, unequipped or uninterested in meeting those needs. That doesn't make the person wanting the bare minimum (heaven forbid) the broken one. Stop assuming the worst in people and pathologizing the human experience."

Now since this exchange happened, based on her last comment (which occurred after I already starting posting this), I realize part of this issue is we just have a different POV of the guy being discussed.

But seeing as I'm just looking at the whole thing in a general sense, this was my response.

"I get that. I think we just have a different POV on this guy having issues vs maybe him actually having a shitty partner and his issues in that relationship being completely valid.

If we have a partner for the sole purpose of them validating us, that's a problem. But at the same time, a loving partner should be validating us. Does that make sense? That's more my point. And if they aren't, regardless of how much validation we already feel within ourselves, having a partner who isn't also validating, imo, isn't a healthy partner. Therefore wanting to leave that relationship for a more validating partner makes sense to me. You also could opt to not date, sure. But wanting a partner who validates you, vs not wanting one who doesn't, doesn't mean you're dating for the sole purpose of being validated. That's my take away from the issue this guy was having. But that's just my POV."

_

My aforementioned (original) questions/issues still exist though. I feel like there's definitely a conflict btwn the concept of "fullfill yourself" but also "YOU NEED RELATIONSHIPS SO SURVIVE".

Which one is it?

And if it's both, explain how.

I agree we need to fulfill ourselves. But it's the latter I find confusing. As in, if we've done that, why do we need anyone else? Feels kindof superfluous if not co-dependent for literally no reason.

[piplupod]

to add my take on the conversation, i think that privilege is systemic and inherent. and if its not both of those things i dont think i would consider it a form of privilege.

(preface: this isn't a rant directed at you, anon, this is just me trying to sort out my thoughts)

here's the definition i have bc i feel like its important for ppl to see what I am looking at and going off of fjsdfjkl

also this one!

i think the last definition i put in is more what i'm referring to, especially with the "under certain conditions". those conditions here would be "you have rights only as long as you mask :))))". there is a privilege imo to have the ABILITY to mask. because that way you can blend in better in the neurotypical society/culture/world we live in, which does (from my understanding and experience) grant you far more opportunities as well as a certain level of immunity from harassment and abuse. if someone is unable to mask their autism, they will face more harassment, abuse, trauma, etc (as well as potentially being seen as someone who should be killed/locked up) than a person who CAN mask their autism and chooses to do so. there is a kind of privilege in having the ability to mask.

i understand how awful masking is, i have a very specific trauma around masking lol. i also understand that masking usually is learned through repeated abuse or harassment or otherwise negative experiences, and masking could potentially be considered a trauma response.

maybe the word "privilege" isn't exactly right? but i think that a person who is able to mask definitely has advantages over a person who is unable to mask. idk what word would fit though.

like i know that since i have the ability to mask when needed, i will have more opportunities in life than some people i know who are unable to mask, and that's because i can appear "normal" to the general public (or as close to "normal" as i can get lmao). people, as a general rule, do not like those who are different or who act in unexpected ways, and oftentimes those who are autistic will act in what seems like an unexpected way. and that's most often scary and off putting to neurotypical people, so they'll respond negatively and learn to not be around the unmasked autistic person, which then affects that person's life opportunities.

btw i'm not saying that i'm like "better" than ppl who can't mask, i'm just pulling from personal experience to try to understand this and explain what i'm thinking fdsjfkl. i also am not saying that any of this is good or anything, i'm just seeing this as what is happening (from my POV) and explaining it, but i absolutely do not agree with how NT ppl treat visibly ND ppl, and how autistic ppl have to mask to be able to obtain a higher quality of life through employment and being able to exist safely in public (without police getting involved is what i'm getting at here lol).

god that was a ramble sorry. i'm not trying to be argumentative or contrary or anything fhdsfjkl, i just feel like maybe ppl are not understanding where im coming from so if i provide my thoughts in full then ppl can better discuss their thoughts/opinions/POVs

anyways this honestly probably isn't super important so it's okay if it gets dropped bc idk how much good it does for me to be spending time and energy thinking about this anyways fjdsfjkl, i just get frustrated when i can't understand smth fully (which is my own issue i have to make peace with) so! those are my thoughts, it's cool to continue the convo and keep debating this w me bc i am very open to it, but also its okay if ppl would rather i just drop the subject and i will do so because i'm not sure if i can really come to any conclusion on this sdfjkl

[cowthey-blog]

hi im kind of here . not completely . ive been in a weird mental place for the last few days nd i needed ( still might ) need a bit of a ... break . :tm: . just kind of like . silently panicking a lot , my friend went home today so im still feeling low from . that . i know it’s like nothing i should keep repeating since everyone keeps telling me its fine over , but i really do feel foolish and kind of dumb for assuming lissa was an adult and as such i apologize for that mistake on my behalf . i want to ... keep writing and such , and i know its like . my ocd . being dumb and acting up but i keep like obsessing over over that fact that i Messed Up:tm: . i know it was a genuine mistake on my part and i dont think anyone like faults me for it , but its been something that ive been just trying not to harp over . but stuff like knowing muses ages is important , like not only to me , but to other people and its something i was negligent on and freaked out over . i will , maybe , i shouldnt make a promise rn , but i do want to add the muses i said i was going to , but i do wanna write them or i may just settle for a m*rvel / new .. multi ( me , literally made this blog less than three weeks ago ) since i saw e*dg*me the other night and i’ve been feeling it . idk ! i’m in a bit of a weird place mentally , taking it one step at a time . for right now , i’m mostly just sticking to my discord ( baby gamer .#6289 ) and talking there . thank you to like ... anyone who talked to me or helped me out while i was kinda geeking there for a second over this ( silly , i know and i’m sorry i got so tripped up on a simple mistake ) . yall are great . i love you .

[musashi]

happy autism acceptance month. i need you guys to stop making fun of people who experience hyperempathy or “empaths.” i am choosing to use My Month to highlight this but hyperempathy is something that can result from TONS of neuroses and is common especially in people who have survived abusive environments. in many cases it is a learned mechanic, people become hyper-aware of the feelings of others in order to protect themselves and do damage control before those feelings become dangerous.

i do see a lot of rep for low-empathy or no-empathy folks which is fucking awesome! but one thing i need some people to understand is that especially in autistic people things like this are about extremes, or a lack of regulation. for example, for every nonverbal autistic, you might meet one who’s hyperverbal like me.

low empathy/no-empathy is just as common as hyperempathy which is what a lot of people have start calling being an empath. there is this weird affectation i’ve seen in your posts making fun of us that has this air of like... haughtiness? this idea that we somehow think we’re better than the average person for laying ourselves prostrate at the feet of those who are hurting and ~feeling~ with them. 

i need you guys to understand that hyperempathy is not a fun meme nor is it something most people would use for... idk, leverage? it is painful, it is frustrating, and it is disabling. when people are hurting, i feel those emotions so strongly in tune with them that it is paralytic. i struggle to focus on what, if anything, i can do to help, and often times my brain shuts down and it loops back around into dissociation and nonempathy. i’m not doing this on purpose, or for attention, or to take focus off the actual person hurting, i can’t help it! i would love to regulate my empathy in a more productive way so i could help my friend, but unfortunately that’s not the way i was built.

sometimes i get overloaded and shut down and have to tell my hurting friends that i can not be there for them. and that’s fucking heartbreaking! i’m a caretaker at heart, i want to be strong and offer them love and support, but sometimes just HEARING about their problems hurts me. obviously i would never say any of this shit in the moment, but it is a very real thing me and tons of other people deal with.

it is frustrating, to have all that love and nothing to do with it. it feels like i’m on fire most days. and sometimes i am feeling feelings that aren’t even there! sometimes i’m picking up on totally made up emotions that i’ve been conditioned to look for because of the abuse aspect. i will make up whole Ways people feel about me that don’t exist, and it has taken a lot of therapy and workshopping to figure out how to process All That. 

i need you guys to stop making fun of empaths. and you cannot say ‘well i’m only making fun of people who PRETEND to experience hyperempathy’ because the splash damage still throws nd folks under the bus, and furthermore you are in no fucking position to dictate how someone’s brain or emotional regulation works. empaths and people who experience hyperempathy are not trying to flex on you and we are not EXCITED that our emotions work this way. it’s fucking hell, it has ruined my relationships before, and i will not deal with you assholes sitting there and making it the butt of your stupid, meanspirited jokes.

please just. try and do better. 

[dreamteamspace]

We hit 400 so here’s a- ✨ DREAM APPRECIATION ESSAY ✨

(by Yours Truly. Much thanks to the one, innocent anon who just wanted to ask a small talk question but hit my serotonin-providing hyperfixation.)

1. Self-esteem

I love the way he’s confident in his abilities when it’s become such a “trend” to either be completely and utterly self-depricating about your own skills out of fear of being labelled an asshole or overconfident nowadays.

At the same time you can still tell he doesn’t want to pull anyone down ever, and will always be really careful with that and take every oppertunity to lift up the people around him. Dream has a very emotional voice that gives him away a lot, so you can really tell he genuinely admires the people around him and he’s never afraid to say that they could totally easily beat him in something if he doesn’t have practice with it.

He tends to be a bit too hard on himself, so his friends always encourage him in his abilities, and that’s just. So nice. He celebrates his victories! He gets so so excited and happy when he wins in the manhunts, and I think celebrating your hard-earned victories isn’t something that should be villanized.

He won, and we should KNOW by now that doesn’t mean he thinks he’s somehow better than everyone. He has a pretty good eye on his abilities, and that allows him to really use them to the max.

2. Morality

He isn’t afraid to change the game! His adhd picks out a Cool New Thing and he just goes, You know what? Why not! His adhd goes “do this thing repeatedly another 3847 times” and he’s like, yeah sure!

Nobody expected him to release a song, but he just went for it! He’s been speedrunning so much, but he isn’t afraid to stream it every day 5 days in a row for hours while his friends bicker in the background.

Dream genuinely does the things he finds fun, but at the same time puts in so much effort to make them good and entertaining to watch and never forgets about his viewers.

He’s kidfriendly because he wants to be! Fame-wise, at this point he could definitly swear more if he wanted to (and he does when in other people’s content who don’t care about swearing), but despite that he doesn’t swear on his main because he wants his content to be accessable for everyone.

Sure, on one hand it could be for clout/money, but consider: Dream doesn’t stream the DSMP because he doesn’t want to take attention away from other people. He participates in the videos of his friends. He lets compilation channels and the like do whatever they want and even monetize his content. He lets his friends stream Road Trip on twitch as much as they want for free.

Dream doesn’t not swear just for his fanbase, but he does it because he has so so much respect for people. No matter how high he goes, he’s always consciously focused on respecting and admiring the people around him.

He has genuine respect for creators so much smaller than him, and he has respect for people in his fanbase that are younger than him. He isn’t afraid to go against the norm and STAND for that, either (see the video where he defends his stans).

And he defends his friends so much too! So much so it could almost be a little bit of a flaw sometimes, but I feel like he truly wants to learn from his mistakes. He apologizes for things even when nobody asked him to, and that just shows that he does it out of genuine guilt and fear of hurting someone.

He’s always seemed like someone who is genuinely willing to change to be a better version of himself, who isn’t afraid to challenge what he thinks and what other people think and what the norm thinks in order to improve everything for everyone.

Dream also doesn’t let any of the fame get to his head! As I said before - he’s confident in the things he’s good at, but in a way that doesn’t pull other people down, and he still remains firmly admirable of other people.

And even when OTHER people let fame get to their head (it was a while ago, but there was a video he made about five block jumps, where he added in a clip of a video of another guy doing it complete with credit and link etc. The guy was 100% alright with it at first, but when his video started getting more views because Dream’s video blew up, he started accusing Dream of “stealing” his content (when dozens of other videos of the 5 block jump already existed, and Dream could’ve just put in a clip of himself doing the jump)),,, but he insisted in his reponse that fame gets to people’s heads sometimes, nobody should blame anybody, he genuinely was never upset at him and just said that this just... happens sometimes.

He’s a very forgiving person all around, in part due to being willing to challenge his own norms and give people the benefit of the doubt JUST in case he’s wrong. He lets people enjoy things so long as they aren’t hurting anybody, like allowing people to ship him w people who are also alright with shipping, but at the same time taking a hard stance on, say, how shipping minors is absolutely wrong and should not be done ever (and he’s right).

3. Fandom

He appreciates said fanart and fanworks as well! He thinks dnf fanart is cool and he even appreciates the fanfic part of his fandom, something many ccs wish to ignore or forget it exists altogether (and it IS ofc in their right to do so or be uncomfortable with such content!), but Dream sees the work put into it and how people find connections and friendships through the fandom and appreciates it all the same.

He loves his fandom. So much. But not in the overdone, fake-feeling way I’ve seen other ccs be,,,, he’s just. Quiet and shy and genuine about it but not afraid to defend it.

He’s said before - and I QUOTE - “If you send hate to people or have sent hate to people, in the form of hateful comments or DMs, you aren’t welcome in my fandom. You’re no fan of mine”, which is the HOTTEST take he’s ever uttered and I love that. He really just went and said that. And he’s right. I like that despite how he’s usually more held back and waits things out before taking a stance, he chose this topic to really take a hard stance on and not budge and stick to it.

Pmbata has also said that he believes his fans have his back no matter what!! And that he really loves them a lot!!! And I am!! Emotional!!!!

4. ND/Adhd

He has adhd which is something I relate to personally (I have it as well sdlkfj). He gets excited sometimes!! I love how he shows being fidgety in mc, always pacing and parcouring around,, the way that in manhunts you can SEE when he’s thinking or bouncing back and forth between two options,,, or the way he gets close to people in mc to laugh with them.... He shows so much with his movements by them being quick and daring and calculated (and it’s especially hilarious to watch other people react to it in the video “mc but three people control one player”, where he’s the one moving and Sapnap and George will gasp or go “Dream!!” in surprise when Dream was THIS close to falling off a ledge, but he just laughs sdlkfjsdf).

When he’s not moving around he stands perfectly, perfectly still (which, idk if thats what all adhd ppl have, but I know I have something similar? Like when I’m nervous I’ll sometimes just. Freeze in place. No movement at all). He’s just relatable sdkjf.

There was one Manhunt extra scenes where he,,,,, stims by clapping,,,,,, the lil excited clap in the background,,, I’m gonna cry. I’m so soft for excited Dream that one is such a comfort clip for me!

He also tends to stim by getting under trap doors and then jumping back out of them, or jumping up a block and then walking back down over and over (especially noticable in The Village Went Mad tftsmp episode, where they were all discussing who the murderer could be and he was the only one moving, hopping up the log and then running back down again).

Also it is. Really Soft when he starts rambling and overexplaining something. What’s even better is that George, who is usually present at such moments, will laugh a little at his antics, and Dream will automatically laugh with him.

5. Rp/Uplifting other ccs

Dream wasn’t all THAT into the rp at first, but his server has been so strongly supporting and giving attention to smaller creators that he’s since completely rolled along with it. Being a villain in the RP is a difficult role because you will, inevitable, as much as it is just roleplay and all scripted, always get some amount of dislike from people for it.

Despite that, he’s basicly the main big villain on his own server where he let a bunch of theater kids beat him up in character and imprison him on his OWN SERVER. He wasn’t as into the rp at first, but has obviously been practicing and joins every Tales of the SMP when he can, despite getting zero clout for it.

What Dream also tends to do is find small content creators, see their talent and lift them high. His entire discord server is dedicated to give smaller ccs a place to grow, and when he first found Tubbo, Tommy, Ranboo, etc., they were much much smaller than they are now. He truly wanted to help them make it big.

He’s also added Foolish Shark and Hannah onto the SMP, both much smaller ccs (not tiny, but you get what I mean), allowing them to grow. He doesn’t stream on his OWN SERVER. He let himself get imprisoned to let the good guys win on his OWN. SERVER. He’s willing to play the villain and everything.

An interesting thing though! A lot of people used to/still do clown on Dream a bit for his sometimes uncertain acting,,, but when he’s around people he knows well (Sapnap and George, Tubbo and Tommy) we’ve seen him go ALL OUT. I have the theory Dream might be genuinely afraid to accidentally be mean to someone in character and have them misinterpret it sldkfjsdf,,, so he’s rly careful when he goes into the rp, and sometimes even when he’s in it he goes quiet, especially with other people around.

But also the fact that he needs time to feel comfortable around ppl is,, a mood,,, and adorable,,, sdlfkjsdf-

Apparently he’s also shared his youtube algorithm secrets with Tommy?? Which he had only shared with Sapnap and George before?? Dream took one look at that chaotic kid and immedietly adopted him as his little brother. He literally got up super early to rp the prison visit. Idk about ya’ll but I would die for someone first and get up horribly early for them second-

6. Friends!!

Dream?? Considers so so many people his friends?? And despite having so many friends, he also has his few closest friends (George and Sapnap) whom he would absolutely die for in a heartbeat. He WILL defend them with everything he has and loves them so so much.

He listens to them and really, truly wants them to succeed. He respects them so much and will go OFF about how good they actually are and how talented they are and how important they are to him.

I can’t even COVER everything about how much he is SOULMATES with Gorg. They live in each others heads rent-free. He mentions him all the time. They get!! So happy when they’re around each other!!! Their voices get so soft,,

And I can’t even BEGIN to explain the energy of Sapnap and Dream just moving together permanently. Imagine moving together with your best friend. Like, permanently. Into one house. They’re best friends Your Honor,,,,

Also,, remember the Techno and Dream rivalry? And Dream has recently said that he’s hesitant to make a serious manhunt against Techno because he doesn’t want there to be any feud between them or have them be compared to each other. He said that while he absolutely wanted nothing more than to beat Techno at first, now that he knows him better he just wants to be friends with him. He wants to be FRIENDS. With his, essentially, mc RIVAL. Friendly rival, but still. He doesn’t even wanna fight Techno or have ppl compare them cause he,,, wants to be friends with him,,,,

7. Vulnerability

What I feel like really sets Dream apart from some other ccs for me is that he’s willing to be vulnerable. He will tell George he loves him. He defends his friends. He sounds so, so genuine when he tells his fandom that he loves them.

What’s just really rare to see, especially in male ccs, is that vulnerability. It’s becoming more acceptable as time goes on, but it’s certainly not easy, and a lot of people become and stay long-term fans BECAUSE they can see how genuine he is.

I know Dream looks up to Mr. Beast a lot, for example, but honestly? I think he’s a little better than Mr. Beast. Because he feels more genuine, more bound to what he believes is right. I’m sure Mr. Beast isn’t a bad content creator! But ultimately they have different target audiences and I’m very glad Dream is the way he is.

Less of that insecure masculinity and more willing to be vulnerable, to care about things, to get emotional and to encourage and uplift the people around him.

8. Pure Brainrot

Green boi has nice deep calm soothing voice. Little shy laugh. Wheeze laugh. Gorg live in his head rent-free. He lov friends. He lov block game. He good at block game,,, a little shy but confident,,, big heart,,,, soft voice,,,,, rambles sometimes....

He also Gender. He’s so gender. I don’t know how else to describe it. I want That. Whatever That is. My gender is Dreamwastaken

[jadedxrealityw]

-Rivals- Hermione Granger x Female Reader

    ☼-☪-☼

    Kody: I’m using the owls grading system for the story so if that’s not right, sue me i guess idk. 

    Movie/Show: Harry Potter, ignoring the storyline

    House/Year: Ravenclaw / 7th year

    Request:  Can I request a bold ravenclaw reader (her attitude almost could pass as a slytherin ngl) she's been Hermione's rival when it comes to grades and they DON'T get along very well. Reader is the opposite of mione's reserved personality. But rivals don't kiss and make out with each other secretly in the lavatory 😭 pls enemies to lovers (with some tension;) ykyk and then one day, they walk the great hall hand in hand and everyone is like don't they find each other insufferable?

    Possible Triggers/Warnings: if you don’t like lesbians get the hell off my page, sexual tension, enemies to lovers trope, cursing

    ☼-☪-☼

    love came unexpectedly at times, you learned that at young age from fairy tales and such. Well all kids did, but kids eventually grew up and came to the realization that fairy tales were exactly what they were, fairy tales. Fiction. Not real. 

    people could call you cold hearted or rude, but you would describe yourself as blunt or brutally honest. Never afraid to speak your mind or point out injustice when you saw fit. To put it simpler terms, professors at Hogwarts preferred you didn’t speak at times. 

    “Your too outspoken Ms. L/n” 

    “Stick to your academics Ms. L/n”

    “You wouldn’t be in detention so much so if kept your mouth shut Ms. L/n”

    merlin, you were exhausted of hearing your own last name. You guessed the only reason you weren’t reprimanded as worse as the Weasley Twins was because you were one of Hogwarts brightest witches, always excelled in academics, in every subject. 

    you couldn’t explain it to others even if you tried other then it just came naturally. Your parents, when they were attended Hogwarts were both just as naturally skilled in there studies as you were. So you must have inherited there ‘big brain’ as your mother said many times before.

    you were never one to gloat though, it was never your style. You were more humble about what you could accomplish. That was until she got involved. That egoistical, hypocritical, Gryffindor girl. Hermione Granger became the bane of your existence early into your fifth year. 

   until then Ms. Granger had been the top of all her classes, no one even came close to her intelligence, naming her ‘The Brightest Witch At Hogwarts’ and Hermione wore that title with pride. Being a Muggle born put a target on her head as well as stereotypes.

    most students and some staff almost immediately came to the conclusion she wasn’t capable of achieving goals that regular half or pure bloods could. It was a terrible way to think, but it was unfortunately the reality of being involved with the wizarding world. 

   Hermione was lucky to have friends like she did that cared about her no matter who she was or what she became, but it didn’t stop her need to feel validated in her academics. It was the one thing no one could giver her shit for, because she was the best at it and no one else was. 

   until that fateful fifth year that was mentioned earlier. It was the time when you finally got your mind and heart into your studie. You blew past most of the student body rather quickly, earning the title of the fastest turn around at Hogwarts.

    it was nice

    then it wasn’t, for Hermione of course 

    ☼-☪-☼

    fifth year / past

    “It seems we have two students with an Outstanding this time around” Professor Flitwick spoke as the exams from the previous week had landed neatly onto the wooden desk in front of you. “congratulations Ms. Granger and Ms. L/n”

    Hermione’s head perked up like a cat who had heard a bag of hard food shake from the nest room over, eager. She had never heard that name before, it didn’t come as much as an surprise though considering how big Hogwarts was. She leant to the left where Harry Potter sat. 

    “Who’s L/n? Do you know her?” she asked, casually though Harry knew her better then most. He gave her a half hearted shrug “No clue, try Ron” he suggests. Hermione nods once before leaning over to the right, where the Weasley sat, scowling at his exam. 

    “Mum’s going to kill me” he muttered, bringing no reaction to Granger’s face. He never studied. “Ron, do you know who this L/n is?” she repeated the question she gave to Harry. Ron turns his head away from the parchment and to Hermione. 

   his brows furrowed as he searches the corners of his mind for where he had heard the name from, until the visible light bulb popped over his head- well not so visible actually. “Oh um- Y/n L/n. she’s a Ravenclaw, her parents are certified geniuses. They work at the ministry. Department of magical education”

   his words did not soothe the wracking thought in the young Granger’s mind. “Certified geniuses?” Hermione echos. “If that’s so how come she’s only getting Outstandings now? she must have cheated somehow” she thought aloud. 

    “I surely didn’t cheat”

   like an owl Hermione’s head turned over her shoulder, her two Gryffindor pals doing the same. In her sight was a girl, her age, in a Ravenclaw robe. She had S/C skin with H/L H/C hair and E/C eyes that were staring back at her. Hermione was almost stunned into silence- keyword being almost. 

    “the explain the good grade all of the sudden, L/n?”

   you looked rather confused. You had never met the girl and she was accusing you of cheating because you had never gotten an Outstanding before? Was this a prank of some sort or fever dream? “I studied for once. You have no right accusing me, i don’t even know you that well”

    Harry placed a hand upon Hermione’s shoulder, signaling for her to stop before she caused a scene. Looking back, she should have listened “No right? I have a right to point out people who are just trying to cheat their way through school while people like us actually care about our grades”

    what the Gryffindor girl wasn’t expecting was for you to start laughing. Her friend, Cho Chang joining in, finding it just as equally hilarious. Hermione’s face turned just as bright as Ron’s hair. “What is so funny?” you and Cho slowly come to a stop, breathing in and out. 

    “what’s funny is that your ego is so incredibly large, so much so that it can’t comprehend that someone, not a Gryffindor either was able to match your intelligence. Now shove off ” you said it all with a grin on your face, because you certainly knew you were right. 

    and from that day, you both despised each other

    ☼-☪-☼

    seventh year / present

    and with every exam, every questioned called on by a teacher, you fastly became Hermione’s rival. It was a term Cho used, but you didn’t really see it that way since you weren’t competing with her. You never studied harder to make sure you got the same grade, never tried to sabotage her in any way. 

    you didn’t care much about it actually

    but you did quite enjoy her face, the way her nostrils flared up an her cheeks turned a bright red in anger. It was cute seeing her so mad. Sending er a wink or sly grin when she glared at you became a daily routine as well. When at first you ignored her you now loved annoying her.

    never having to say a word was probably your favorite part. 

    that’s probably when feelings began to mix into it, but you either didn’t notice or refuse to acknowledge them at all. You genuinely thought you hated this girl, so why in the world would you ever think you liked her? Makes sense, right? Were not even going to mention the questioning your sexuality.

    “Sit still while i pass out your exams from yesterday. Once you recieve your paper you may get up and leave” 

    “You think if Snape got laid he wouldn’t be such a prick?” the Slytherin boy spoke, leaning towards you. turning your head ever so slightly, you lock eyes with Draco “Why are you even sitting here?” you whisper back, giving him a mock astonished look.

   he rolls his grey eyes, shrugging his shoulders “You never talk to me outside of class anymore” he grumbles. Is he- Is this- What is happening? “That’s because your a little shit and pushed Neville in the hallway yesterday” yeh, you caught his dumbass. 

    Draco’s eyes widen a bit, not knowing you had been in the hallway during the crime. “You saw that?- what are you his protector?” he says, clearly as an insult, but oh little did he know that you were indeed exactly what he just said and would say it with pride.

    “Yes-”

    “Ms. L/n, Outstanding as usual as well Mr. Malfoy. Good work, the both of you” Snape places the exams in front of each of you, but you were both to busy staring in shock. This bitter, old, mean, crude man just compliment you. Merlin, you had finally gotten fathers approval

    (what in the fuck am i writing)

    “Is this heaven?” Draco questioned, staring bug eyed forward. 

    “No”

    “How do you know?”

    “Cormac is here”

    “Yeah your right, feelings over” both you and Draco sighed, turning to look at each other before laughing quietly. He was a pretty chill dude sometimes. “What!?” the loud screech filled your ears. All heads turned behind you, so you followed that and saw the one and only Hermione Granger. 

    she was huffing and puffing. You feared for the stick and straw houses in the world for a moment. Harry quickly stood up and pushed her shoulders down, forcing her back into her seat “I've never gotten an Exceeds Expectations before” Hermione sputters out. 

    she

    got

    what

    now?

    oh this was rich, absolutely hilarious, so much so that Draco had already began to laugh. “Poor Granger, guess you really aren’t the brightest witch” he taunted. Hermione looked up, glaring daggers at the Slytherin. Merlin, he had such a big mouth.

    then her brown eyes strayed to you, but you only pursed your lips together, providing her no emotion to work off of. In a haste, she collected her things, leaving the cursed exam on the table nd rushing out the door, both Ron and Harry calling out for her. 

    fuck

    standing up, you grab your bag and look down at Draco. His laughter comes to an end and he looks up at you “What?” he asked. You copied his dementor singers from third year, making him look at your hands. You took that time to reach down and flick his forehead. 

    he pulls away, his palm rubbing his head in circles “Bloody hell, what was that for?!” he exclaimed. What an idiot. “This is why we don’t hang out” you deadpan before finally going to exit the classroom, leaving a grumbling, mumbling Draco. Something about you being  ‘mean friend’

    ☼-☪-☼

    only having ten minutes until Charms class you began to search the halls. Merlin where had she run off too? The school wasn’t THAT big- okay maybe it was. You had almost called quits, making a mental note to check up on her during lunch when you passed the restroom.

    sniffling and crys were heard. You’ll admit, it kind off hurt to hear. Taking a few steps backwards, you use the palm off your hand to slowly push the door open so it wouldn’t creak like the old shit it was. When it was open just enough for you to fit through, you slip in. 

    gazing around, you see Hermione bent over the sink, sobbing. You could hear her voice becoming rougher by the second as she destroyed her vocal cords. “Granger?” you say, staying a few feet behind her. Hermione looks up in the mirror, spotting you behind her. 

    her distraught expression quickly shifted to anger “You” she seethed. Your eyebrows furrowed in confusion “Me?” you say back, crossing your arms. “Leave me the hell alone L/n!” she shouts, angry tears flooding down her cheeks. Raising your hands, you offer your surrender.

    “Shit, sorry. I was just trying to see if you were okay” you admit. Hermione turns on her heels, facing you directly this time before speaking “Oh so now your my friend, your a bully! All you do is step on my toes and try to make me look like a fool!”

    “Are you on fucking drugs Granger? Not once have i ever gone out my way to harm you of any sort. Your the one who is obsessed with trying to be better then me and i never gave a shit. I never wanted to be your rival for three years and i certainly never bullied you!”

    the words you spoke went out one of Hermione’s ears and out the other. For someone as smart as her, she could be quite dense when angry “You don’t get to play the saint, L/n! I have spent those three years studying as hard as i can and you don’t even have to try!” 

   throwing your hands up in the air a crazy person because she was honestly starting to make your brain hurt quite a bit, you laugh loudly “Oh my- no one asked you too! What is so wrong with us being the same?! ” you shouted, finally raising your voice as much as she had.

    “Because your not a Muggle! You don’t know what it’s like to have everyone you meet already assume your not worth their time just because your parents aren’t witches or wizards!” she crept towards you and which each step she took you took a step right the fuck back.

    this chick wasn’t going to hit you, right?

    “I have never judged you for your blood status Granger, i frankly could care less. What i do judge you for is you know, the giant ego thing” you spat back only causing her to gasp in offense “I do not have an ego!” she yells, stepping into your boundaries basically.

   you had tried to back up like before, but you were pressed up against a wall at this point. “Yes you do and it’s as big as Hagrid!” you reply. Hermione grabs the collar of your white uniform shirt, pulling you down a bit so her face was inches from yours, trying to intimidate you.

    “Take it back!” she threatens. In that moment your eyes scanned her face, noting her almost perfect skin, her brown eyes that looked more hazel up close then far away, and her lips. They looked so soft and inviting. You couldn’t quite understand why you were thinking like this all of the sudden.

    but it felt right, so right

    in a swift motion you place your lips on Hermione’s. You had thought she’d pull away, but only half a second later her arms were wrapped around your neck, pulling you as close as possible to her. You tangled one of your hands into her light brown wavy mess and the other pushed on the small of her back. 

    the kiss was messy and sloppy, not amount of anything really could make it appropriate. How did you two go from fighting to almost ripping each others uniforms off? A question no one could really answer but yourself as well Hermione. 

    it was over as soon as it began with Hermione pulling away, leaning her forehead against yours. You could make out the small smile on her face, it made you smile as well. “That was-” she started to speak, but was stopped by her own laughter. 

    “Yeah” you breathed out. What had just happened?

        ☼-☪-☼

    four months later

    ever since that day you and Hermione would casually meet up in the lavatory to kiss and feel up on each other after, btween, during classes. Anything really. You both had also not interacted at all outside of these visits. Just stayed away from each other as much as possible.

    most people thought you two had either made up after three years of rivalry or had decided to no longer interact with each other at all. Little did they know right? Speaking of that, you pull away from Hermione, panting for air “We have divination in three minutes” you spoke. 

   her face turned to worry instantly making you grin to yourself “Godric, i have to get out of here. Wait a couple minutes” she gathered her belongings and rushed out the restroom not even leaving you with an goodbye kiss. How rude. After about five minutes or so you leave as well

    once you get to class you look around the room and spot Hermione already sat with Harry and Ron on one side of the arch like sitting area for the students. “Y/n!” oh not again. Turning your head to the right, you spt the Slytherin boy with his mates.

   this guy just doesn’t quit. You plop yourself next to Draco Malfoy “I thought you were going to ignore me again” he admits. Ignoring his statement, you gaze around the people at your table “Where’s Parkinson? If i’m going to be stuck with you gits and Theo i rather it be with her” 

   Theo cracks a smile while Draco rolls his eyes “She’s sick, stuck in her dorms” he explains. You nod mindlessly and look over at Hermione. She was brushing through her hair with her fingers, trying to make it look like you weren’t tugging on it just minutes ago. 

    “What’s that on your neck?” Harry asks, moving the top part of Hermione’s robe with his finger, causing her to swat his hand away “It’s just a bug bite” she says with haste. quick thinking, that’s kinda cute. For some odd reason you liked seeing her explain her way out of a hickey that you gave her. 

    class soon started, but you kept your inventive gaze on her. It was adorable how she would catch you staring and turn a nice shade of red. It brought a smug smile to your face each time. Professor Trelawney had called upon Hermione to ask a question, but she seemed to be too busy avoiding your gaze. 

    “My dear, Ms. Granger” Trelawney said for maybe the third time until Hermione finally fell back down to reality. She looked at the Professor who gave her a kind smile “Oh um-” the Gryffindor put on a nervous smile, her eyes looking to you. You sent her a wink.

    merlin you were such an asshole

    Hermione looked at her lap, trying to muster up the words, any words actually. Her savior wore glasses “Hermione isn’t feeling to well. Can Ron and i take her to the hospital wing?” Harry asked. What a buzzkill. Trelawney nods, waving her hand to the direction of the door. 

    Harry tapped Hermione’s shoulder while Ron grabbed her things and off they went. 

        ☼-☪-☼

    a week later

    “I have to head to dinner, you should too. I saw that you didn’t eat during lunch” Hermione spoke, buttoning her uniform shirt. You smile, looking into the mirror so you could fix your hair “Watching me Granger?” you ask, turning away from your reflection.

    “You know i worry about your health” she said, which only made your smile wider “What is that stupid smile for?’ Hermione questions, an amused laugh in her tone. Shrugging, you lean against the sink counter “Stupid? I thought you liked my quote on quote ‘Goofy smile’” 

    Hermione shakes her head, grabbing her bag from the floor “I better see you at dinner or i’ll drag you there myself” she said playfully. An idea popped into your mind. “Then drag me” you smirk, tilting your head to the left. Hermione looks at you, shaking her head again. “You know i can’t”

    “Why not? It’s been four months. I would like to be your-” you stopped mid sentence. You both had never really gave each other labels before. It was always just the casual make out and flirting, but now you were much more. Fuck it “I would like to be your girlfriend in public”

    Hermione’s brow eyes went wide as she heard those words. It becoming a little too real. You saw her conflicted face and immediately felt some sort of shame. Averting your gaze to the ground, you take a deep breath. “Forget i said anything” 

    “No!- i mean. I’m ready. Plus i’m tired of being distracted by you during class” Hermione lightened the mood just a tad. You look back up at her, cracking a half smile “I’m most likely still going to distract you” you point out, making her chuckle. Cute.

    she inhales sharply “Let’s do this” she states confidently, letting out the breath. She reached out, opening her hand for you to grab. In that small gesture, you knew you would be with this woman for as long as you lived. Grabbing her hand, you intertwined your fingers with hers. 

    ☼-☪-☼

    hand in hand, you walk into the great hall. Heads turned and pupils dialated at the sight of you and Hermione walking in together. You honestly felt a little self conscious until you saw the bright smile of Cho and Luna as well as Draco who gave you a hidden thumbs up.

    both you and Hermione took  seat at the Gryffindor table. “So Hermione, how long as this been going on?” Harry asked. Hermione glances at you before her best friend “Four months, one week.” she said, gleaming with pride at her memory. 

    Harry looked taken aback at the time, but gave you both a smile “Well at least you both are getting along finally” he says, Ron nodding beside “Yeah- getting along” the Weasley jokes. You laugh a bit before leaning over to kiss the temple of Hermione's head. 

    rivals am i right?

        ☼-☪-☼

    Click here to join my Taglist so you never miss a new story from me!

    @the--queen-of-hell @sonbelleame @dracosathenaeum @queeriacs @marrymetheonott

    ☼-☪-☼

    Kody- Aye look its 10 am and i haven’t slept. Good night, my requests are open blah blah. Anyways, peace. 

[mego42]

OK but!!! Come over here and randomly sink the 8 ball???? Can we talk about this???? Does rio not understand how the game of pool works??? Was he just hanging out playing against himself prior to this??? Is it a metaphor??? Is 8 the only number he knows???? THOUGHTS????

the fact that we open the scene with a center shot of beth, all bambi-eyes and openly???? letting him see???? her vulnerable????????

the fact that she still sees him as a lifeline and turns to him for help in spite of him being demonstrably useless literally every time she’s asked

the fact that he’s open to it and asks what she needs

aaaaaand then shuts her down when she says it’s for dean

but also is still giving her some p solid, if, you know, a touch sociopathic advice

and then the fact that said advice more or less amounts to please let your ~technical husband rot in jail crime wife

and yes, the fact that he is, apparently just hanging out! in his own bar! after hours! alone! playing pool with himself!

which sounds like it should be a euphemism tbh but no! it is entirely literal!

everyone involved in this show is a lunatic including all of us!

i love it!

literally wtf are you doing rio

i would like to point out he is losing to himself which is fucking hysterical

and also extremely apt, tbh

he climbs up the pool cue when he stands. why. to what purpose.

he told her to be smart before he murdered her co-worker and beth’s like, not even phased at all by that reference

i am teLlinG y’alL murder is their foreplay, the hitman thing’s gonna be fine

if anything he’s gonna be hurt she outsourced it

which, valid!!!!!!

why are his fingers so long why why WHY

every time he lines up and takes a shot i make this sort of garbled hairpin in a vacuum cleaner noise

i didn’t ask to be like this

and when he sees that the please let him rot please please please pitch is not helping beth’s stress level he pivots and like, actually tries to be comforting????????

but is also incredibly bad at it

remember when beth was like my husband took my children and rio was like that sucks, here’s an open tab byyyyyyeeeeee

he is not the best shoulder, is what i’m saying

and yet!! she keeps going to him anyway!!!!

he’s like SIVER LINING MAYBE YOU’LL WANT TO FUCK YOUR HUSBAND AGAIN AND BETH JUST STEAMROLLS RIGHT PAST THAT

it like doesn’t even register

fuck that guy? don’t be absurd crime husband

also like

who exactly might want to hit what again hmmmmmmm HMMMMMMMMMMM

i am just saying it feels like there are some layErs here

he is so satisfied when she points out nothing sticks to him i want to slap him i want to slap myself i want to slap everyone

i gOt lucK oN my siDe / mayBe yoU do tOo

smells like foreshadowing in here

also jumping back the way his smile s o f t e n s when he says maybe you do too

the urge to slap remains strong but now with a side of leave mE here tO diE

(bringing back @pynkhues​ tag meanderings bc it lives in my head now, is this rio’s way of saying he can protect her class please discuss)

and now we arrive at sink the eight ball

i know it’s ridiculous i know but i can’t help it they’re standing there with a the pool cue and the pool table and it’s all weird tangled intimacy that’s about to flip over into intense sexual tension and i am not coping well with this at all

i’m not okay

THE WAY HE PULLS THE CUE AWAY

AND THE WAY SHE’S LIKE THIS MOTHERFUCKER I STG

let beth boland unhinge her jaw and devour the world 2k21 she deserves it

idk what to tell you beth you like it

like let’s pause for a sec and examine the situation shall we? this ep provides some really interesting contrast between beth’s extremely different relationships with the men in her life.

1. we have dean who is, i would argue, shown throughout the ep to be a complete albatross of guilt and long expired, turned toxic gratitude dangling from a rapidly fraying thread called parenting. he’s furious with beth to the point of not wanting to see her while in prison, choosing to stay in prison to avoid coping with how thoroughly their house of cards is tumbling down and the reality of who beth is and who they are to each other that collapse is exposing. 2. we have fitzpatrick who repeatedly tramples her boundaries in a tunnel vision pursuit of the person he thinks she is and his fantasy of the relationship he could have with this person who doesn’t actually exist and we’ve seen how uncomfortable it makes beth to the point that she finally blows up at him, reasserting who she is and it, idk if i would say scares him, but it definitely turns him off. 3. and then we have rio who she is locked in a nightmare game of cat and mouse with, who she has convinced herself is the source of all of her problems and yet when push comes to shove is still the person that she turns to for guidance and support, who she has no objection to sharing physical space with (i hear rumors the pool scene reads wildly divide and yeah i can see how but i am firmly camp they are both experiencing some stupidly complicated emotional upheaval and that’s what that face is, y’all take it how you will), who is also the only person this ep to witness the single, genuine, uncomplicatedly happy glimpse of one elizabeth boland née marks (who can’t help but grin in response to her joy and honestly who wouldn’t she is so gd cUte before he rips the rug out from underneath her)

i got worked up and forgot where i was going with this

something about contrast

but also the like, comfort and familiarity and ease even when Extremely Annoyed

idk i just think it’s neat

let’s see what else happens

oh right they play """"""""""pool"""""""""""

wait no, we’re not there yet

first rio’s gotta do that big-eyed disney princess look he shoots beth’s way from time to time, 209 being the notable example that comes to mind

h E Lp

so now we’re at sinking the eight ball

yeah, no, he does not know how pool works

i’d say it’s embarrassing but what isn’t with them

SPEAKING OF EMBARRASSING

or maybe i mean inexplicable

i tried to be v hardcore on not letting myself speculate about the pool scene and how it would come to be so sexy bc speculation has only ever led to either disappointment or me getting really, really over the top competitive about it to the point where it isn’t even fun for me anymore (which is saying something) but i couldn’t help spinning out potential scenarios bc like why???? how????? the man is draped over her like a blanket and smELliNg heR haiR surely that doesn’t just happen??????

WHAT A FOOL I WAS

LITERALLY FOR NO REASON AT ALL RIO’S LIKE FUCK YOUR PERSONAL SPACE CRIME WIFE IT’S OUR PERSONAL SPACE

AND BETH’S JUST LIKE YEAH SURE CRIME HUSBAND THIS IS FINE AND NORMAL I HAVE NO FURTHER COMMENTARY

LIKE?????????????????????????????????????????

h An dS

hAn D S

H a nD s

anD theN hE smelLs heR hAir like a fuckiN lunAtic

i just

TO WHAT PURPOSE

SCIENCE P L E A S E E X P L A I N

i know we all like to argue until the cows come home over what specific flavor of sloppy the show is and then we argue with the cows but like

this didn’t happen out of nowhere

they’re setting something up

(they fuckin’)

(do not argue with me or my cows)

thE shoUldeR roLl

no thoughts just that

AND THEN SHE MAKES IT

(and everything b o u n c e s)

AND SHE’S SO CUTE????? MY WIFE???????? I LOVE HER????????????

no but literally when was the last time beth was that happy

it’s so pure

and it makes him lauGh toO

s Of t

and then rio’s like no but seriously fuck your husband let him rot in jail and beth’s facce falls and my heart breaks and everyone remembers everything is terrible bc they are absolutely inFURIATING nigHTMARE PEOPLE who caNNOT USE THEIR WORDs

what was the actual question here i don’t even remember

oh right why the eight ball

probs bc it color coordinated with both his and beth’s outfits bc he is A Heaux Like That

[thisdreamplace]

ashamed to say the 3D reflects our true inner reality, yes? my ENTIRE family has turned against me, after some atrocious conflicts in which they all ganged up on me nd judged me, name-calling, very hurtful things too, provoked me. i been dealing with some serious mental uh 'issues' on my own nd when this happend i was already on the verge of a breakdown nd the good news is while the conflict happened i kept telling myself theyre only reflecting me u can get thru it etc. Later i looked at the hard facts nd realised some of the hurtful things they said were my deep secret feelings abt myself. BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people? confronting one person vs whole family, why?! i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?

Part 2 is simply its been a week and theyve still been cold towards me as if I yelled AT THEM ABT THEIR PAINFUL 'tRuThS' in front of EVERYONE LMAOOO. At first if i was around we'd have dinner together while they'd all talk to each other like best friends aka sickeningly overly friendly while completely IGNORING me while i sat there. i could tolerate it. I WAS PISSED AT THEM TOO Now its too painful. They're having dinner without telling me, yesterday didnt leave enough food for me knowing i hadnt eaten, serve tea/snacks without my portion. i honestly feel so unspeakably trigered nd sad. worst is these things r reminding me of deep school memories when id feel excluded like this by other kids at parties or class activities nd its like im back there. anyway im glad i controled myself a bit nd didnt counter with horrid things abt them to THEM yet they think they can say the same to me. im so hurt rn i cant even tell u lol i was okay the whole week but now its too much,, ive been crying the whole day

thing is, ik this seems like 'im a victim oh noooo they ganged up on meee'. Nope its more like how do i change myself to change them?! u could say why not talk to them how they made u feel, except whenever ive defended myself in the past regarding hurtful things they/anyone in family did, the siblings/parents would say irritating things like: "oh so YOU'RE the one hurt? Oh thats right, its because YOU'RE right! yes, yes, you're always right. Forgive me for saying anything against the perfect person u are." Or one of them says: "You?! I hurt YOU? What about me? You don't care about me! So you think what ur doing is okay?" or "no, who do YOU think u are to tell ME what to do?" it just goes in circles like this! i dont deserve to hurt myself or do smth to myself even if they dont give a damn, even if years of silent suffering of the 'mEntAL pRoBlEms' (which my lovely parents have already told me is my fault years ago, hence why I NEVER show it to them, unless im crying too much then lol they just mock me, but idc abt THAT bcoz now ik i hav a right to let out my emotions)). i mean this is worse rjan usual. its kinda insane nd when guests come they start talking to me as if nothing's wrong then when they leave, they ignore me!

this whole twisted dynamics, feelijf left out nd helpless is ig some crazy assumptin from childhood of being alone nd unable to defend myself. plus when they argye with anyone, they become overly self-righteous nd over the years its clear they can only scream, blame the scapegoat and never talk abt serious matter like normal ppl. And yes, in the past when i bring this up, they like to reply with stuff like: "no YOU'RE the one who doesnt talk to US bla bla" like, when i do u just shut me down? have belittled my mental 'issues', mocked me when im at my worst, stabbed me with cruel silent treatments nd thinking its alright "bcoz of self-righteousness blegh". Or maybe i think its okay for them to punish me? or whatev? Like law says u get what u r. if these ~~~ keep doing this to me, im doubly ashamed to say this means im the one at fault?! i let this monster assunptin grow nd now idk what to do. the worst thing imo is how i failed to tell them,even if they ignored me in the past, how i feel when anything like this or a conflict happens nd none of them stand up for me, or at least are neutral to me. bcoz now if i do, they say nope, u dont care what we do, YOUR the shameless one :! so yeah they hav the advantage of 'numbwrs' while im too afraid to stand up for myself lol. btw they never apologize nd i suspect they expect ME to apologize to TYEM bcoz everything's already ruined bcoz of 'me'..... i give up on them, i really do, but my heart hurts. Either i harden my heart, nd save up to move out, OR i try to change my self or whatev assumptins i have. But how do i do that? i try afirming: "my familys so nice to me, im respected by them" but it feels so fake tears literally enter my eyes lol

firstly i want to say, thank you for coming here to vent and being open about your feelings. it’s so important sometimes to just let it all out, without holding back. so that way you can move forward more bravely, to create the life you truly want to experience. that being said, i am going to be completely honest with you here in hopes that perhaps it may inspire you and you will be ready to do what is needed for the life you truly want to experience.

“BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people?” -> “i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?” here is your question, and here is your answer. i think that being completely honest when venting your feelings can actually be so helpful, because if you read back what you have said, you will be able to clearly find the patterns that are creating your personal hell. FEELING IS THE SECRET. ASSUMPTIONS HARDEN INTO FACT. the true way you feel, becomes your experience. Feelings/assumptions/beliefs come first, and the experiences come second to confirm them. That’s all that’s happening here.

i am glad that you were able to keep your reactions to a minimum! that's wonderful and as many of us know, it can sometimes be hard to do in such hurtful circumstances. but you managed to do it, this shows just a small glimpse of the power you truly hold within. although emotionally you may feel out of control, there is still the choice to choose better for yourself which you demonstrated through your reaction to them. good for you!

the truth is, you acknowledge the victim mindset to seem like you’re not engulfed in it, but no, you’re still very clearly engulfed in it. as i have said before, you can’t be a VICTOR and feel bad about it. feeling bad about taking responsibility, about everyone is you pushed out, about any of these types of concepts automatically shows a victim mindset. talking to them won’t do anything, because there are no second causes. you could talk to them nicely, you could be the nicest person in the world. but you can’t pretend your way out of your inner world. your inner world is the one and only cause of your experiences. until you change the story you tell yourself, they will stay the same. this is a hard pill to swallow sometimes. and it can feel heavily, because it’s ultimately only you’re choice. they can’t change until you do. the heaviness of the situation may make it seem impossible to turn around, but that’s just an illusion. your emotional attachment to the situation makes it seem so real and hard to change, but no. that’s just an illusion too. however, it’s ultimately your choice. Do you want to take responsibility for your life, or do you want to keep being tossed around like your lost at sea, victim to the merciless angry waves? Because we always have a choice. No one chooses your inner world, you do. No one can go into your mind and decide things for you, that’s only your job.

you can harden your heart, but who would be the one who suffers more? It won’t be your family, i can assure you. it’ll only be you. by doing that, you keep that old story alive and therefore you keep experiencing it. you keep those stories alive that are desperately showing themselves to you, saying “LET US GO.” but you remain identified with those painful stories, so you grip onto them tight. you keep on thinking of possible reasons for their behavior, but you could just read your entire ask back to yourself and you’ll see every reason. your reactions, your beliefs about them, your emotional pain. its your refusal to let those things go, and focus on what you truly want that keeps you in this state and keeps them in this state. sure it’s painful to face the responsibility at first, but it’s not a blame game. thinking its about blame is just a misunderstanding of the teachings. it’s not about they’re so perfect and you’re so not, so you have to change your ways. it’s about this is how life works here. this is about... you can ONLY ever experience self. whatever is going on within, will be reflected in your outer world. it’s about how they can’t change, UNTIL YOU DO. so instead of feeling sorry for yourself, you have to decide to give yourself the gift of a wonderful life because you have that power too. you stop deciding they can be in control of your experience, and you decide your experience yourself.

to change your assumptions, stop trying to affirm over them and actually face what’s keeping you from believing in your desires. yeah, it’s going to be painful and uncomfortable. but you need to face the pain that you’re running away from, so that it can finally be released. you have to realize, it only stayed true because you believed it to be true. and if you are to live a life free from that story, and experience a more desirable story, then you must let the pain go. give yourself love and grace as you work through it, and know that there is a more beautiful side of life that awaits for you to accept it in.

No One To Change But Self

There is Nothing to Forgive

How to Sit with Your Triggers

give yourself the time you need, it's not race. the love that you wish to experience exists, allow it in. 💖