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luvistqrzzz · 1 year

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･˳ . ⋆ these days i am taken back to the summer we loved

loving you losing you- jay one shot

pairing- jay x f.reader

summary- loving jay was like a dream, a dream so happy you knew he wasn't yours...

or where jay tried to break away from the system of soulmates but fate had other plans for him... and you.

genre- strangers to not lovers (uh oh), soulmate!au, college!au, first love, fluff, angst

word count- 7.7K (can yall hear me scream outta joy??)

warnings- profanity, mentions of drinking, my writing (lawl), sad ending (sorry not sorry)

taglist- @en-chantedtomeetyou

A/N- happy belated jay day <33!! Omfg my first ever oneshot?? I still cant believe i just had the motivation to finish this wip😭😭... its my first time ever writing a long fic so it maybe a bit all over the place but i really enjoyed writing this hehehe! So i hope yall enjoy this :((! try listening to this playlist for more feels it really helped me in the writing process! the beach scene is slightly inspired from 2521

note- this is purely a work of fiction and in no means depicts the idols' real personalities or the relationships between them.

･˳ . ⋆ subtle loneliness

Jay was never the one to believe in fate or destiny or even the fact that there was something like an 'other half. Despite having parents who loved each other and having their soulmate link, Jay never bought it. In a world where every individual was connected to another through some link, be it matching tattoos or the ability to feel someone's pain, he hadn't found his.

For him, it was bullshit. Who even was fate to decide whom he loved? ('Well, no one but, honey, you can't meddle with how it's meant to be', he still remembers his mother's words.)

Maybe as a kid, Jay used to sit long hours in his bedroom, willing to feel his soulmate's link, search for any tattoo and even write on his palm with hopes they'd reply.

Nothing ever happened and as he started growing older, he saw people around him meet their soulmate, he saw the way their eyes lighted up in their mention or the way they used to talk about their other halves.

He grew distant... different. It wasn't easy to be always the odd one out.

Even as Jay tried to go against it and casually date people in his high school, he realized how true his parents were. It never felt right, the feelings were never there and even if they were, they died too soon. In the end, he was left alone.

Which brought us to the present time of Jay's 3rd year in college. He sat on a creaky cafeteria chair observing his friends. Heeseung was busy on his phone messaging his soulmate, Yunjin,. Jake and Lily sat across him, laughing at something Sunghoon just said, their matching flower tattoo glowing dimly.

Looking at them, he felt this sort of loneliness fill in him, the type which made him want to runaway from his life. He had loving and supportive parents and friends who wouldn't leave him but deep down, Jay felt empty. Empty because despite his opposition against the system of soulmates, he knew he yearned for one. He yearned for someone who'd understand him, someone with whom he could share the love he saw in his parents.

'Yo bro, you going to the party today?' Heeseung's voice cut through Jay's thoughts.

'What-? Oh at Yeonjun's place right?'

'Yep', Sunghoon replied getting up. 'Time to get highh- ouch!' He exclaimed as Sunoo smacked his head from behind.

'Shut up, pretty boy. I ain't taking you home', the latter said, walking past the table where they sat.

'Oh c'mon Sun!' Sunghoon whined, following his boyfriend out of the college canteen.

Jay chuckled at their antics. It was almost... cute, he couldn't lie.

Keep reading

･˳ . ⋆ deep conversations with a drunk stranger

You weren't supposed to be at the party. Hell, you should have been studying for a test scheduled next week but being friends with Somi did have its disadvantages. Such as being dragged to some college party as the designated driver.

It wasn't like you hated parties. Quite honestly, you thought they were sort of fun and sometimes getting drunk seemed like the perfect option. But on that particular Friday night, you wanted to be anywhere but at your senior Yeonjun's house.

'Y/N it'll be fun i promise!' Somi begged you, dragging you out from her car to his door. 'No. You are just there to hook up with some guy.'

'Whatever. I am loyal to my soulmate!' She stuck out her tongue whilst pointing towards the black ink on her forearm.

'And who knows', Somi said, entering the house which was presently filled with half-drunk college students. 'Maybeee you could meet your soulmate today.'

You sighed, pushing past people, at the same time waving and smiling to some. 'Sure. My link-less soulmate', you replied sarcastically.

You realized she was leading you to the kitchen which was comparatively quieter but you could still spot a couple out in the distance.

'Hello ladies! What would you like in this fine evening?' The person sitting at the bar counter said, spotting you both.

'Hey Sunghoon, what you got?' You best friend asked the boy leaning against the counter.

'Some beer if you wanna stay with your senses or maybe something stronger. What about my specialty? It has been a hit today.' 'Fine... Lemme judge your bartender skills.

He turned towards you, 'And for you...?' 'Water because I need to drive this bitch back to dorms', You gave the blonde haired girl beside you a pointed look.

She grinned before her eyes squinted, following some guy. 'Ay sunghoon! You know that boy, standing 9 o'clock? Is he taken?'

'That's... Beomgyu. And no, lucky for you, he is pretty single.'

She clapped her hands, almost like scheming her plan. 'See you later, bestie!' Somi gave you a flying kiss, taking her drink from the counter and walking down the hallway.

You sighed, being left alone, your other friend Gaeul was down with a bad flu. You gave Sunghoon a tight lippped smile, accepting a glass of water.

An hour later, you found yourself moving to the backyard of the house. After spending an excruciatingly painful time trying to strike conversation with drunk students and avoiding being pulled into the dancing crowd, you escaped.

The night had cooled down a bit and the spring breeze hit your face, you walked up to the open. But what you didn't see was the figure already sitting in the dark.

'You can sit down if you want to.' You flinched at the sudden voice, turning to face the boy sitting down on the empty backyard.

You considered your options. You could go inside into a crowded party and not have to have a one on one conversation with a stranger. Or maybe you could avoid all the noise and do some small talk with a person who was kind enough to even offer you a seat.

You nodded, seating yourself down beside the boy on the steps. Only then did you notice who he was, 'Park Jay...?'

'Oh, so you know me?' You shrugged in reply. You had heard of him, the handsome and studious guy and spotted him in passing.

It was the first time you had ever seen Jay up close. And to be honest, he was just as gorgeous as you had heard people around you gush, maybe even more.

Almost as if you could look at him the entire day without getting bored.

The boy beside you questioned, 'And you are?' 'Y/N. We are in the same year, in case you're wondering', you added, half knowing what his next question could have been.

'Nice to meet you, Y/N', he extended his hand, giving a wide drunken grin. You shook his hand. It was the first time you had seen him smile because all the other times were from some other end of a college hallway. And you wouldn't lie, it suited his otherwise serious face.

A comfortable silence settled between you two for a while. You both looked ahead. Jay looked up as if counting the stars and you stared at the small garden. You could hear crickets chirp in the distance. And if it weren't for the fact that you had a friend to drive home to, you would have snuggled up in the back yard and slept.

'So, Y/N', Jay's voice suddenly boomed around your environment, as if crushing the calmth which surrounded you both. 'Do you believe in soulmates?'

This caught you off guard. Why would even a stranger be asking you this? 'Uh, that's... random.'

'Just answer me. I'm tired and I wanna talk to someone', he replied, somewhat impatiently.

I mean, what harm could it be? It was a typical topic of conversation and you needed some distraction to keep yourself awake.

Sitting up straighter, you looked towards him whose eyes were distant. 'Well, yep, I do.'

'You must be one of those lucky people who found their soulmates early in life, huh?' He whispered under his breath, not meaning you to listen.

'Actually no', you replied calmy. 'I... don't have a soulmate. Or even a link for that matter.'

It didn't faze you anymore. The fact that you didn't feel any physical or mental signs of a soulmate. Some people did consider it weird. But it was all okay for you.

Jay's head quickly turned towards you. 'So, there are people like me?'

'I'm sorry?' 'Guess I'm just like you, Y/N.'

Your stomach flipped at the new information. You hadn't thought of ever meeting someone who had much the same problem as yours. 'Oh. That's well... new?' 'Why do you still believe in it?' He asked further.

'Why not? Imagine being with someone who understands you so much that it's crazy. Don't you think it's pretty amazing how two people are connected since birth, destined to meet? I feel that's kinda magical. In a cruel world, sometimes it's worth believing in fairytales.' Jay's eyes were closed but he was listening to every single thing. Almost as if your voice was calming him down, putting a stop to his racing thoughts.

You then added, 'You aren't different, Jay. You just need some time.' Well, this is what you always said to yourself.

'But what about my soulmate? What are they waiting for?' he opened his eyes and you noticed how dark his eyes were but they held a soft subtle innocence in them. Even though Jay had a casual smile on his face, his eyes said otherwise.

You weren't an expert in reading people but you thought you saw a bitter loneliness in his eyes. It reminded you of yourself, which made sense. And for some reason it made you feel sad too, it made you want to take away his sadness.

'They are there somewhere. Don't worry about them. And I hope you find them, just at the right time. Just when you need them. It's hard I know, to go about your day seeing all the people around you together.' You trailed, checking the time. 'Oh fuck! I think I need to jet. Gotta save my friend from making bad decisions', you chuckled, getting up.

'Can you read my mind, Y/N?' Jay wondered. You laughed, 'Oh yes! I'm secretly a psychic. Bye for now, Park Jay.' You waved him goodbye, your thoughts slowly getting occupied with those concerning Somi as you made your way down the hallway.

Jay muttered a small adieu, his face resting on his cheek. He felt lighter and giddier for some reason. Like, excited to meet you again. Something in the way you talked made him listen to your voice again and again.

･˳ . ⋆ almost... complete

Jay didn't believe in fate but after that night he hoped that he could see you again. Even if it was just to talk to you once. All he knew was your name. He was starting to forget your face which he had seen in the dark in a drunken haze.

He may have almost forgotten the sound of your voice a month later if it hadn't been a somewhat familiar voice calling out to him when he was somewhere in the depths of sleep.

'Uh sir, excuse me. We are about to close', you said, lightly tapping the shoulder of the boy who seemed to be asleep, his face down on the table of the cafe where you worked. All around him were pages and books and his laptop was wide open beside him, its screen dark. Typical college student things you could relate to.

Since starting your shift three hours ago, you had seen him in this position. Your only hoped that he hadn't fainted or anything due college pressure. That may have caused you some trouble.

The person before you slowly started to stir after your continuous calls. It was almost 11pm and you couldn't afford to be late to an early class tomorrow.

Seeing him lift his head off the table, you moved away.

'Who wha-' Jay yawned, rubbing his eyes to see his surroundings only to find your widened eyes staring at his sleepy form. His stomach dropped at your sight, moreover at the thought of you finding him sleeping like that. 'Oh fuc-' he hastily patted his hair and wiped his chin for any signs of him drooling.

You tried to hold back your laugh upon seeing him so flustered. You wouldn't lie, he did look adorable, quite a contrast to studious and mysterious vibe he had going on. 'Jay, we meet again.'

'You work here?' 'I mean, I wouldn't be wearing the barista's uniform if I didn't', you replied teasingly.

'Sorry. My bad', he rubbed his forehead. 'How long was I asleep?'

'More than three hours for sure. It's closing time and everyone has left. I suggest you pack up', you pointed at the mess on his table.

He realized what he had done. Slept when he should have been completing his assignment. 'No. It's due today', he whispered to himself, softly banging his head on the table.

'Here', you came from behind the counter and placed a cup of coffee in front of him. 'In case you need to pull an all nighter. This really helps.'

Jay quickly sat up seeing you. He was taken aback, 'I- uh can't accept this.' 'You have to. Now, quick, I need to go back home', you said, closing any room for arguments.

Jay awkwardly stood beside you, finishing his coffee as you locked the cafe. Patting the lock twice as a part of an old habit, you started walking with Jay following in tow.

You wouldn't lie, you were kind of nervous by his presence, you didn't even know why. Plus you were at loss of what to say.

Okay, maybe that wasn't the case... you did have questions for him like why was he so tired, what was his major, who gave him even the permission to look so attractive without even trying- (oh, that wasn't part of the script). Hell, you wanted to know him better and maybe even befriend him. And of course, you hadn't been thinking of him a lot since that one Friday night (ps, it's a lie).

'Sooo', you stopped in your tracks in an attempt to start up a conversation. 'Tough week?' Jay chuckled, catching up to your position, 'You know, you don't have to start a conversation just because we are so awkward.'

Fuck? Your cheeks turned pink in embarrassment, 'Uh-' 'But yep, I haven't had proper sleep in a while. Just have these assignments piling up which sucks.' He let out an exasperated sigh, 'Be a business major, my dad said, it'll be fun.'

'I can assure you that a creative writing major ain't any better', you rolled your eyes, walking up to the bus stop.

'Wait that's so cool!' Jay exclaimed and he meant it. He wasn't at all the creative type and he really marveled at how people could make others feel so much with words.

'Uhh it isn't as cool as it sounds', you scrunched your nose in disgust. Jay couldn't help but feel his stomach do a back flip at your expression. Dude, what is wrong with you? Why are you being a creep? His inner voice scolded him.

'But yea, it's fun when I'm not drowning in- oh the bus is here!' You announced looking at the familiar last bus that ran to your apartment.

You got in, finding a mostly empty vehicle aside from two sleeping college students and a man returning from work. You turned back, raising your hand to wave at Jay only to find him climbing behind you.

'Wait you live south of the campus too?' You asked, confused.

Jay made a surprised face, 'Ah yes! Just a bit farther away from there.' 'Weird I haven't ever seen you in this route.'

He laughed, which you assumed to be, nervously before going a taking the window seat.

You stood their in the aisle wondering whether to just sit beside him or take another one. You knew you should just find another place, considering how empty the bus was but weren't you both having a conversation?

A conversation you didn't want to end...

Jay didn't expect to feel a presence beside him as he looked out of the bus window. Surprised, he turned to look at you staring back at him.

When you saw him looking at you, you quickly ducked your head and cleared your throat, 'Ahem, so as I was saying...' you trailed, questioning whether he wanted to hear your useless banter.

'... About writing? Tell me more about it', Jay eagerly completed for you.

A small smile grew on your face. 'Tell me when you get bored, okay?' You jokingly warned him. I could never get bored of you talking, he thought but nodded nonetheless.

'Well, this would be me', you said, seeing the bus near the stop situated just a block or two away from your apartment. 'Where do you live?' You asked him as you took your bag.

'Uh', the boy stuttered for a second. 'The... next stop yep', Jay gave you a smile, internally slapping himself for the answer.

'Oh', you nodded. 'It was... nice talking to you, again.'

'I'm pretty sure the first time doesn't count', he chuckled. 'Message me once you reach home', he blurted out and then realized what he had just said. He wasn't even as close as a friend to say something like that, what was he thinking?

You felt your cheeks warm at his concern (?). Honestly, you found it very cute. 'Sure Mom', you teased him. 'Bye Park Jay!' You waved, getting down.

His lips quirked upwards, waving back to your slowly disappearing figure before taking out his phone and checking where he was. He had never, for the life of him, even ventured into this side of the town. Mostly he didn't have any need to.

Yes, he had just taken a different route and ended up quite far away from his dorms. All because he didn't want to let a chance go to talk to you.

After he was out of the bus and sitting on a bench, the dim streetlight shining on him, Jay sighed waiting for his cab and rested his head on his cheeks, he wondered out loud, 'what is happening to me?'

He knew it wasn't normal for him to be like this, use up the time talking to you when he should be doing his assignment. But you had an aura around yourself, something about the way you talked, the things you talked about, all seemed to pull Jay towards you. He had noticed the way your eyes sparkled when speaking about something you loved and how you were just as attentive to hear him rant.

He wasn't used to feeling like this, almost... complete.

･˳ . ⋆ against all odds

After that day, you talked to Jay almost everyday. Be it long deep text conversations or a good morning or have a nice day across the hallways, he could always find you somewhere. Sometimes you both ditched your friend groups to have lunch together because it was kind of boring to sit there with couples all around, you both claimed. Somedays you studied together at the library where you found yourself taking small nervous glances at his concentrated face.

But, at least for you, you just enjoyed his presence. Enjoyed how easy it was to strike a conversation with him, talk to him like old friends. Enjoyed how despite being kind of serious, Jay was very funny and he always found a way to make you cringe with him dad jokes.

It was all the small little things about him that just made it harder to not adore him. Like when the time he was willing to take abandoned kitten homes despite being allergic to them. Or when he tried the coffee flavors you were experimenting with, even though, they all tasted awful.

It didn't mean anything else, right...? we are just friends for God's sake! you told yourself. But then why were you feeling giddy at the sight of him walking up to you? Why did you feel your stomach do a sudden turn as he neared you, a soft smile on his face?

'Ready?' Jay asked. You nodded and noticed how casual yet handsome he looked with an oversized t-shirt and shorts. Well, he knew just how to pull any look. ('You know, you could have just chosen a fashion major', you had said to Jay once when he was contemplating his life choices).

'Let's go!' You exclaimed, skipping your way ahead of him. He chuckled behind you, feeling his heart warm at your childish action but then grumbled about how crowded it'd be at the Uni's summer festival. You turned to face him and stuck out your tongue, 'Too late to cop out now!'

You thought it was kind of a crime that Jay hadn't ever been to the festival in the past two years (for his defense, he said that the it was filled with soulmates. 'How can you know if you haven't ever gone there?' You counter questioned him). So, this year you took it up to yourself to drag the boy.

However, surprisingly, it wasn't as hard to convince him as you had expected, just a bribe to treat him to free coffee every week and win him something from the fair.

So, there you both were, walking through the festival, with various stalls set up by the students. You could see Somi in the kissing booth and Gaeul was probably somewhere with her soulmate, Hueningkai, hosting a bake sale.

'How do you like it?' You asked Jay, walking side by side while searching for the game stalls. 'It's... okay. But hey, I was right, this place is filled with soulmates.'

'Omg c'mon now! Let them be. Just because we haven't found ours doesn't mean you have to be so anti-romantic', you playfully slapped his shoulder. 'There it is!' You spotted it, pointing at the ring toss game.

You pulled him through the crowd. Jay noticed the way your hand was tugging at his wrist and he felt a jolt of electricity run through his body at the contact.

'Oh Jake?!' You exclaimed upon seeing Jay's friend at the stall.

'Y/N!' He replied enthusiastically. You hadn't hung out with his friends much but the times you had they had been nothing but warm, especially Jake who was always willing to talk to you.

'What are you doing here?' Jay asked in a flat voice. 'Making money, mate.'

The Australian guy then noticed your hand circled around his and wiggled his eyebrows at his friend. Realizing what he was implying, you quickly dropped his hand, embarrassed.

'One ticket for the game', the tall boy beside you said, breaking the awkward atmosphere that had settled and taking out his wallet.

'Hey! I pay', you scolded him. He turned to look at you with bored eyes, 'Yeah right, no way.'

You sputtered, 'B-but I forced you to come here, I should pa-' 'Which gives me even more reason to pay because you did succeed.'

You grumbled, defeated and knowing how stubborn he could be.

'So, you get four chances with one ticket', Jake said, handing you four rings. 'Make all these four through the pegs and you get a prize. A smaller prize if you get three pegs down.'

You nodded, determined to win.

What followed was your very hard attempt to throw those rings in place. You didn't realize how bad of a hand-eye coordination you had until only one of the rings made it to the peg. 'Fuck! Wait I don't get anything for one?' Jake shook his head, giving a sad smile.

Beside you, Jay chuckled, 'Tried your luck? Let's go.'

'Nope! One more ticket', you took out the money from your bag, beating Jay to it. 'Okay phew!' You prepared yourself, tying your hair.

Jake cheered, 'Y/N you can do it!'

You couldn't. 'Nooo! What the hell!' You cried in defeat, looking at the four hoops that had landed at different places, one even hitting Jake on his head.

'Oh God. You are terrible at this. Here, lemme show you', Jay said obviously done with how poorly you had performed. 'Last round.'

He came behind you, one hand touching your shoulder and the other one holding your hand. You stiffened at it, feeling his breath near your ear.

This was normal, right? Normal for a friend to touch your hands oh so gently and guide it so that you could win the prize?

But I have already won my prize you thought, turning your head to look at him carefully instructing you, his eyes on the game. You didn't know how to stop the blush from settling, seeing Jay so close, his dark eyes sparkling in the setting sun. It felt almost... magical.

Magical but deep down you knew, wrong because he wasn't your soulmate and you weren't his.

In the daze you were in, you didn't realize when and how he had put four rings through the hoop. 'There!' He exclaimed, removing his hand from your. 'That's how you do it', Jay said, flicking your forehead.

'Ouch!' You tried your best to break away from your thoughts, shaking your head and making a face of fake annoyance. 'But ugh-!' You pouted. 'I wanted to win it for you!' You whined

He chuckled, taking a plushie, 'You can still claim it like you won it for me, hm?'

'Fine.' You snatched it from him, turned around for a second before offering it to him, 'My dear friend Park Jay, here is my bribe for bringing you here. Please accept this little offering for I have won it with all my blood, sweat and tears!' You proclaimed proudly.

Yea, quite some eyes turned to your direction but you didn't really mind it. Jay cracked up, before pulling you away from the game stall, 'C'mon noe. Gosh, dramatic much?'

You grinned, 'Only for you.' Playfully bumping your shoulder with his.

He brushed it off but his mind was somehow stuck at your earlier three words. only for... him? It shouldn't account to much, but it did.

After going around the festival for another half an hour, greeting some of your friends, (forcibly) eating the burnt cookies Gaeul had made and stuffing your mouths with some much better food, you both made your way to the open area where the live band took place. It was the star attraction and your college was pretty famous for it.

The best thing was that anyone could come up on stage and sing their hearts out and the audience would follow them. Even before starting college, you used to come there alone to enjoy the vibe.

And now you had Jay with you.

Night had fallen by the time the first band stepped up, hyping up the crowd. Luckily, it was a clear evening, the stars shining bright as the songs started flowing in.

The first few were soft melodies, you swayed your body to the beat and watched Jay standing beside you, his eyes on the stage. You wanted to decipher what they said. Were they mesmerized? Did he feel bored? Was he thinking of something?

Jay wasn't a very expressive person. The only time you had seen him in a fully vulnerable state, filled with feelings, was the night you met him. But you didn't want him to be like that, you didn't want him to hold back his emotions.

So, you took his hand. Jay, surprised, turned to face you. You shrugged and smiled, raising his hand with yours, moving it with the song.

While you closed your eyes, he was still looking at you, his lips parted apart which slowly turned into a small smile. He studied your features one by one, eyes filled with adoration.

And that is when Jay realized. He didn't need any soulmate or his other half if he could spend all his time with you. Like, at that moment how you both were dancing to some fast track; panting, screaming and shouting like everyone else. He didn't need anything else if he could see you smiling, staring into his eyes with orbs filled with joy.

There may not be fate connecting you and Jay but it was fate that had brought you to him and at that moment he felt he wouldn't give up on you, even if he found his soulmate.

'And for the next song, I'll request you to partner up with your soulmate and if you haven't found yours, grab the person who's closest to you', the lead singer said.

Before you could look for a friend or anyone, Jay turned you towards him. 'The person nearest to me, you', he whispered, pulling you a bit closer. You nodded, feeling butterflies going wild in your stomach, unable to look anywhere but his face.

A guitar started to strum in the background and the low, sad voice of the singer followed it. It was a familiar song.

Jay bathed in the lyrics of the song, singing along to Jaurim's 'Til Death Do Us Apart'. You placed a hand on his shoulder and intertwined the other with his fingers. He looked into your eyes, '죽음이 우리를 갈라놓을 때까지 (i'll not let go of your hand that i take).'

'오, 그대여 내 손을 잡아요 (my dear, hold my hand)

이제는 혼자가 아니야 (you're no longer alone)'

You didn't know what passed between you both at that moment but you realized that somewhere along the past few weeks, you had crossed the line of being mere friends with Jay, or rather your feelings had.

Or else you wouldn't be resting your head on his shoulder, feeling his voice flow into your ears like some age old melody you had been searching for...

'Til the death do us apart

'Til the end of the world...'

Later that night, Jay lay awake on his bed, thinking back to the feelings that had dawned on him. He felt a smile make the way to his face as he thought of you. The way you lighted up the world or rather his. He hadn't ever felt so connected to a person. He knew that the feelings he had been harbouring were more than just passing emotions.

Could it be possible...? Possible that you were what he was searching for the entire time. Neither of you had a link, so it could make sense. Jay sat up, the sheets rustling under him.

'Bro, sleep and wipe the lovesick smirk off your face', Heeseung yawned from beside him. 'No I'm not-' he tried protesting.

The other boy turned to face him with a deadpanned look, 'You look different. As in, happier.'

'What...' Jay was confused, he didn't feel that way.. okay maybe that was a big fat lie, he did feel... well, something!

'You know well enough what I mean, Park. Don't act like we are blind to you and Y/N. See, Jay, you have always been kind of a... how do I explain it? Somewhat of a pessimistic sad person, using sarcasm to mask yourself, which I totally understand. But these days, dude, you are more open and free and I think it's because of her...'

Jay didn't know how to react. Heeseung was right. He did feel like meeting you sort of took away the sense of loneliness set deep within him. Not only because you were like him but also because you were you. Always attempting to have fun, to pull Jay out with you, like that one time you both dance in the rain with your friends even though normally he would never. You had a subtle wild and playful side to your deep persona.

'Do you... do you think we could actually be together if I tried?' He asked his friend, his eyes on the dark ceiling.

'Now I don't know the chances of her being your soulmate but even if she isn't, do you want to take the chance to be with her? It's up to you, Jay.'

He was right. There was no gurantee that you both were meant to be but he was willing. He was willing to take the chance.

Against all odds..

･˳ . ⋆ maybe this moment would last forever

In the days that followed the night of the festival, Jay seemed changed, but in a good way or so you hoped. You noticed, in small ways, how he smiled more often, seemed happier when around you and randomly gave you compliments. Jay was a naturally helpful person but somedays you could find him waiting outside your class or walking you home which was quite afar from his, despite your protests. ('See as a good friend, it is my duty to accompany you back home late at night', he said once. You had scoffed, 'Speak for yourself, Park. You are literally scared of everything.')

This was unlike him but what was unlike you was that you liked it. You liked how he made you feel- giddy, excited and blushing. You had had fleeting crushes before but with Jay it was something more because with each little interaction, you found yourself falling more and more.

Love was a strong word and for someone who had never got a sign from their soulmate, you were even more wary of it. In fact, you couldn't even say how it felt. Did it feel the way your parents used to cook dinner together in the kitchen, looking into each other's eyes, having some secret moment pass between them?

'Hey, Y/N', Jay called out to you in a low whisper as you both sat at a secluded corner of the library. You looked up from the short story you were working on for the past hour. It was due in a few days and you were stuck at just the most crucial part if the story.

'What now?' You questioned, rubbing your forehead in slight frustration for running out of ideas. 'Wanna ditch this for a while?'

'Look, Park, you may be having a nice time with assignments right now but I'm struggling to write the ending', you glared at him despite wanting nothing more than to close your laptop shut.

He clicked his tongue, 'Which gives us even more reason to have a little fun, hm?' 'Since when do you give up on our studying session?! You asked, confused at what he was saying. 'It's my job to take you on random adventures!'

How can I even study when you're the only thing in my mind? He thought but replied, 'Guess I should take over your position. Now, give yourself a break, Y/N.'

You sighed but gave in. A break wouldn't hurt... right? Plus, it was Jay so you knew you would have said agreed after some persuasion.

'Where are we going? Are you kidnapping me?' You demanded, packing your things. He winked, 'You'll see.' Your heart did a flip at his action and you couldn't help but wonder what had been taking over your friend (? Or crush? Or the literal love of your life?) for the past days.

'Okay, is this a trap to drive me to my death?' You huffed, sitting in Jay's car, remembering that one time he had offered to drive you home and you had to take over the wheel considering how bad he was driving.

'Don't worry, I don't drive that bad. Trust me.' 'The only thing I cannot do', You lied.

'Are we going...' You trailed, turning your face away from the rapidly changing scenery and looking towards the boy heavily concentrated on the road. He gave a quick smile, 'To the beach? Yep.'

'You know, I could have driven us to there too', you protested seeing how tensed he looked. 'But I wanted to kind of... surprise you', he muttered.

You stopped, staring at his face. God, you couldn't even help it but to giggle at his words. 'Caught you there, didn't I?' He smirked.

You whispered, not meaning him to hear you, 'You did...

You felt his hand on yours. 'Focus on driving, dummy.' But he didn't remove it. A blush caught in your cheeks as you rested your head on the seat, looking ahead. It was almost 6 in the evening but the sun was still up there, thanks to summer.

The beach was quite far from the campus but a mundane happiness filled you, driving down the empty roads, singing along to the music playing. You could hear Jay's soft voice sing under his breath as he slowly gained confidence in his driving. 'You should sing more often, Jay.' it sounds like honey.

'Finally!' You exclaimed, jumping out of the car and seeing the beach spread before you. You squinted your eyes in confusion, 'But why is this so empty?'

Jay came up behind you, taking your hand, 'I drove us to a quieter part. I accidentally discovered it during my first year when me and Sunghoon bunked our classes. Let's go!'

'You know we could get sick, Y/N!' Jay screamed at you as you splashed water all over his shirt.

You teased him, 'Too late! You suggested that we- yah!' You shouted as he suddenly attacked you. He laughed at your shocked face.

'Park, you'll pay!' You warned, searching the sand for anything you could find.

'What are you doing?', he asked, curious before widening his eyes at the sight of you picking up a stray rock and readying yourself to chase him. 'Are you crazy?' He ran in the opposite direction.

Jay turned around to find you catching up to him, laughing, the rock held high up your hand. The wind blew your hair in different directions and the sun casting beautiful patterns on your face. Jay thought he hadn't seen a sight so free before.

He fumbled for his phone, taking it out and snapping a picture before you could protest. 'Delete that!' You demanded, upon reaching him and softly hitting him with the stone.

Jay shook his head, pulling you with him closer to the shore, the waves washing up to your feet and the feeling of the sand slipping under you. 'God, I missed this so much!' You muttered to yourself. 'And I missed feeling so complete', he said.

Your face lighted up at his words. He was a lonely boy and you were a lonely girl but maybe that is what completed your friendship. You both were so alike that you loved small differences you shared.

'What are we? Kids?' Jay asked, sitting beside you in front of his car, waiting for the fireworks.

'Maybe. But I liked this. I like feeling like we are some dumb 10 year olds instead of adults', you said looking ahead at the horizon and reflecting back on the past hour where you both ran around the shore, writing your names on the sand, drenching each other in water and bathing in the happiness that those moments brought.

It felt special, like you didn't want to let it go. 'God, why do I feel like this moment would last forever?' You wondered out loud, a sinking feeling in your stomach knowing how it will end in a matter of few minutes. 'Maybe it will.' Jay scooted closer to you, resting his head on your shoulder.

You looked down at his soft hair and grinning face and put your hand around his shoulder and nervously put your head on his.

For once, you seem to forgot that he wasn't your soulmate, you just wanted to convince yourself that maybe... just maybe Jay could be the one.

You now think how foolish you were to be blinded by those delusions.

'You once said I'll meet my soulmate just at the right time. I guess that didn't happen but I met you, just at the right time. I don't think I want to give up on being twenty or in love with you. I want this summer to last forever, I want us to last forever', his voice came like a soft whisper, the words blending into each other inside your brain as you tried to process what he had just said. You stared back at him, your heart leaping at what he had just said.

The four lettered word you had been scared of. But at that very moment, you thought love found a meaning for you. At that very moment when you saw Jay's face nearing yours, his eyes sparkling with some hidden thought.

However, you knew what they said. Love. 'I love you-' He couldn't complete it because the next moment, you cupped his face, pulling him closer into a kiss.

And that's when you found the meaning of love. It was simple, soft like landing on a bed of feathers, but it was also like a spark, like the fireworks you could hear in the distance as his lips moved in sync with yours in the dying light of the summer, saying the words you don't think you'll ever have the courage to utter. Love was a grand thing but sometimes it just meant spending a summer evening at the beach, letting the feeling of youth wash over you. Sometimes it meant playing a game you couldn't win.

And it was also the moment when you understood what heartbreak felt like because after you broke the kiss, resting your forehead on his, your breaths the only sound you could hear, something caught your eyes. It was Jay's finger that was tracing your cheeks.

It was a red string, so thin, barely visible. The red string of fate, that connected two souls together and that's when you saw, it wasn't connected to your finger...

He wasn't yours to keep.

･˳ . ⋆ letting you go

'Y/N, wait, can... we just... talk?' A voice called out to you from across the almost empty hallway.

His voice.

You stopped in your tracks, a familiar feeling of sadness taking over you. Over the past week, you had tried everything to avoid Jay, to keep him at bay.

The car ride back from the beach was silent, he had been way too shaken to say anything and kept glancing at the red thread emerging from his finger. His soulmate link, something he had searched for ever but it only came when he wanted it to disappear.

Through the long journey, you had made up your mind. That you weren't his soulmate, no matter how either of you felt. And you wouldn't be the one to hold him back.

'What is there to talk?' You asked bitterly, feeling his hand turning you to face him.

'Why have you been avoiding me? Di-did that kiss mean nothing?' Jay's voice broke.

'It meant everything to me-' '- then why?! Are you scared of this?' He pointed at his finger. 'You know I have tried everything to make it go. I have searched online to see what to do with it but I just can't find anything! That's how much I want to be with you, Y/N', he said, desperation seeping into his voice.

'But Jay, we aren't meant to be. I don't want to take you from someone who really deserves you. Don't you see, it will-' You took a deep breath, controlling the tears welling in your eyes. 'It will hurt us both.'

He took your hand, pulling your chin to face his eyes, 'We'll make it work, love. I cannot let a stupid thread decide who I love. Please.'

His please quite literally broke you from the inside and you couldn't help but let one drop of tear roll past your cheek. No one said how hard it could be to fall for the wrong boy. The boy whose line of fate didn't collide with yours.

No one said that letting him go, for both of your happiness would be one the hardest things ever. And maybe because you loved him, you uttered the next few words, 'No. I will not live my life as a regret, thinking I stole you from someone. I have to let go, Jay. You should too.' You pried your hands out of his as Jay's face contorted in sadness, his eyes flickering, unable to hold back his tears.

You couldn't see him cry but mostly you knew you should just withdraw yourself to not cause him anymore pain. You turned around wiping your face and walking away. Away from the one you loved, away from a future you could have had.

･˳ . ⋆ twenty forever

You knew what you were getting yourself into when you agreed to accompany Gaeul to the college reunion party. It had almost been over six years since you had seen your classmates.

Since you had seen... him.

It wasn't like you didn't wanna go, heck, you had missed those friends from the days of college too but you knew he would be there and with him would come back all the memories and love you had tried so hard to suppress. They would overflow, creating a new wound or maybe opening the old one.

And he stands before you, a glass in his hands, giving you a small, almost sad smile. He looks different and yet so same to the Jay you had fallen for.

You remember laughing at his jokes, bickering with him over the stupidest nerdiest topics ever, holding his hand as you both ran in the dark. It all flashes like some film montage. But mostly you remember the night when you met him.

A night which was similar to todays. The night you found him drunk in the backyard. You wonder what would have happened if you hadn't gone to the party, if you hadn't made your way to him.

You'd be a way different person than you were today.

If you try hard enough, you feel like you'll get transported to your memories, where you are still twenty.

His voice comes out soft and tender, 'Thank you, Y/N. Thank you for teaching me how to love and-' He stops, hesitating or rather contemplating whether to say what comes next, 'Thank you for-' '- for being my first love, Jay.'

･˳ . ⋆ In the season when the wind blows and flowers fall, it still seems as if I'm holding your hand...

If you have made it through this mess, drop down a feedback as it really helps! ily and i hope you have a great day/night ^^!!

work belongs to @/luvistqrzzz do not, repost or translate my work.

#enhypen x reader #— works !#jay imagines #enhypen fanfics #enhypen smau #enhypen jay x reader #enhypen imagines #enhypen au #enhypen jay imagines #jay enhypen #enhypen fanfiction #jay x reader #enha jay #enhypen jay x you #enhypen oneshots #enhypen jay #park jongseong #park jongseong imagines

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multifandom-worlds · 9 months

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When the Lights Come on at Christmas

Genre: angsty fluff

Word count:1.6k

Warnings: nothing major, the usual angst and panic attacks.

Authors note: This took forever to write but I love how it came out. Bucky deserves to see the beauty that Christmas lights can hold.

Tagging: @otome-and-fanfiction @simplyholl @winterslove1917

Christmas has been a difficult time since Bucky joined the Avengers. Well, difficult was an understatement - it was PTSD-triggering, but for reasons no one understood. For some reason, Bucky always associates Christmas lights with his time in Hydra. No amount of mind reading or therapy could make sense of that connection, and it haunted him for a month every year. This year, Bucky expected it to be no different.

But it was.

The only thing that changed throughout the year was you - you came into his life.

You loved everything about Christmas, especially the Christmas lights. Watching the red and gold lights twinkling in the ravenous black of the night was one of your greatest joys, but you accommodated his request, although you also did not understand it.

Bucky was over at your apartment for dinner when your mother showed up out of nowhere and unannounced. Bucky excuses himself to the bathroom while you sit at the table with her. After a few minutes of idle catching up, she launches into the topic you dreaded - the lack of Christmas lights. “You haven’t put up any lights, darling? You always have the up at the beginning of December. Don’t tell me it’s your boyfriend forcing you not to decorate your space.”

“Mom,” you sigh, glancing towards the doorway to the living room, hoping Bucky wasn’t in earshot to hear your mother’s accusation. “Bucky has experienced things we could never fathom. He has been through so much, and Christmas lights trigger his PTSD. It’s not my place to force him simply because I like them. I’m not going to traumatize the love of my life and set back his healing for a simple string of lights.”

Your mother, however, continues, undeterred by your reasoning. “You love Christmas lights, darling. You have since you were a child. You would beg your father and me to put the lights on the house as soon as December hit and to drive you around to see all the lights. You did it last year; the only difference now is that boy you’re seeing. You need to leave him, baby. This isn’t you.”

Bucky stands out of view, conflicting feelings writhing together in his soul. He was so thankful you understood and didn’t pressure him, but now he felt guilty for taking away something you’ve loved since childhood. Bucky stays at your place because it’s a solace away from the decorations of the compound, and he was thankful for it, but now, he’s confused.

“You need to leave, mother. I will not have you disrespect me or Bucky in my house. He is not forcing me not to decorate my apartment - I am making that choice myself. You have no right to make those accusations. Now get out - you are no longer welcome here.” You firmly state, rising from your chair and walking to the door. Your mother eventually stands up, withering under your intense staredown.

Silent on his feet, Bucky walks over to you, sliding his hand between the hard door and the back of your head. “Easy there, doll. I think we need to sit down and have a talk.” Bucky spoke, his voice calm and loving but holding a serious undertone.

“Fine! But don’t come crawling back to me when he starts abusing you! I tried to warn you!” She yells as you close the door. You sigh, leaning against the door and closing your eyes, trying to regain your composure before Bucky returns.

Hitting the back of your head off the door, you mumble to yourself, “fuck fuck fuck. Why does she have to be like this? Why can’t she just be happy for me?”

You follow him, worried about what he wants to discuss. Does he want to break up? Did he hear what your mother was saying? Could it be both? It has to be both! He overheard the conversation and will leave you like every other boyfriend.

“Look, Bucky, I’m sorry…” You begin once you sit in the living room, but Bucky silences you. “You have nothing to be sorry about, doll. I should be the one saying sorry. You are sacrificing something you have loved for me, someone you have only known for less than a year. I’m sorry you feel like you can’t enjoy things because of me. You can decorate your apartment. Steve offered to put me up in a hotel until the month's end; I think I’ll take him up.”

Bucky stands up, walking towards the door before your brain has a chance to process what he said. Was he breaking up with you? Was he going to the hotel so he could cheat on you without you finding out? You broke down as soon as you heard the door open. You wanted to run after him, beg him to stay, tell him the lights didn’t matter, his mental health was what mattered to you, but you were rooted in place; the all-encompassing dark of heartbreak overwhelmed you.

You didn’t hear Bucky returning to the apartment due to him forgetting his phone, you didn’t hear him calling your name, and you didn’t hear him walking back into the living room. You had no idea he was there until the cold metal of his arm touched your burning-hot cheek. “Hey, hey Doll, Look at me.”

It took your eyes a few seconds to focus on the blurry outline of your boyfriend - ex-boyfriend? “That’s it, good girl.” Bucky’s praise slowly beats away the encroaching dark. He watches your eyes, waiting for them to focus entirely on him before he smiles. “There you are, hello, my girl.” he runs his thumbs across your cheeks, drying the tears that fell upon them. “Wanna let me in?”

“I’m…..I’m still your girl?” You sniffle, wiping at your eyes with the back of your hand. Bucky’s smile falls, hearing you question it.

“Of course you are; why do you think you’re not my girl anymore? Come on, doll, talk to me. What is going on in that brain of yours? What did I say or do that triggered this, and what can I do to fix it?”

“You said you were going to go stay at a hotel a-and left before I had a-a chance to answer you about it. Decorations don’t matter as much to me as your mental well-being does, Bucky. P-please don’t leave me because you think I am missing out. I don’t care about the decorations! I care about you…!”

Bucky leans forward, his lips landing softly on your forehead. I am so sorry, doll. I didn’t think. I’m not going to leave you, I promise. You have been such a positive influence in my life; I can’t give up on you so easily. I mean it though, I will stay in a hotel for the remainder of the month so you can decorate…or….maybe I could help you..? Maybe helping you put lights up might make me feel safer? I don’t know.”

You sit up a bit, looking at him, searching for any indication that he didn’t mean what he said, but he was genuine and sincere in his request. But is he only saying that to make you feel better? “Do you really want this, Bucky? I would be more than happy to help you, but I need to know if you are 100% sure that you’re up for this.”

Bucky nods, frustrated that he let his mind get this bad. “I am. I want to get over this irrational fear I have. With you by my side, I think I could do it. Will you help me? Rather, would you let me help you?”

You nod, wiping the tear residue from your cheeks before you stand up; Bucky rises to his feet shortly after and follows you to your storage room. You rummage through boxes and bags, trying to find the box that has your lights in it. Bucky watches you from the doorway, humoured by the level of stuff you managed to cram into such a tiny space.

“Ah ha! I found them!” You say, emerging from a stack of boxes in the far back corner. Bucky chuckles, seeing your hair all over the place. Once you make it out of the maze, he tucks a stray strand of hair behind your ears, your cheeks reddening at the simple action. You were still not used to the more tender side of him. “O-okay,” you stutter, trying to think of anything other than his hand on your cheek. “L-lets get started. We don’t have to turn them on if you don’t want to. You’re leading this - we go at your pace.”

The next several hours were filled with laughter and panic attacks alike; you and Bucky had strung the lights up around your apartment. You were snuggly at Bucky’s side, looking at the lights that have yet to be turned on before looking up at him, taking in the tight clench of his jaw. He was trying to keep his cool, not wanting to inconvenience you with yet another panic attack on his end.

You gently touch his jaw, making him automatically unclench. “You did amazing, my love. I am so proud of you.” You whisper, your hand ghosting down the side of his neck. “We don’t have to turn them on if you don’t think you can handle that. I’m just so proud of how far you’ve come.”

Bucky’s arm tightens around your waist, his heart rate increasing by the second. “Turn them on, please.” He whispers. “I have to see…what you used to see every year before me.”

You pull the remote out of your pocket before turning on the lights for the first time that year….

… and they were beautiful.

#james bucky buchanan barnes #mcu bucky barnes #bucky fanfic #james bucky barnes #james buchanan barnes

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baldwinivmybeloved · 2 months

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🍶 Charper Twenty Eight 𓈒 ⁺ 𓏵 Xica x Baldwin IV

Time passed quickly, like a rushing river that stops for nothing. The seasons followed one another, bringing changes both in the landscape and in the hearts of those who lived in the castle. The winter winds had taken the leaves from the trees, and now spring bloomed in all its splendor. During this time, Inés de Courtenay had fled her fate, finding refuge with some influential relatives, only to succumb to illness shortly after. The news of her death reached the castle, leaving Baldwin and Sibylla in silent melancholy.

Xica was in the twins' room, watching them sleep peacefully. Her mind was filled with thoughts of Inés, the woman who had been a constant source of anguish and pain, but who was also the grandmother of her children.

"Despite all the harm she wished upon us, she is still a part of our history, Baldwin. The grandmother of Arik and Ariella," Xica whispered as she caressed Ariella's forehead.

Baldwin approached and hugged her from behind, whispering in her ear.

"It's hard to reconcile those feelings, but life goes on. We must look forward and take care of our family."

Xica nodded, feeling the warmth of her husband. Despite the sadness she felt, there was peace in knowing they were together, facing the future as a unit.

In those days, Xica had been exchanging letters with the young prince, Baldwin's nephew, who was receiving treatment in a distant land. The letters were a mix of nostalgia and hope, a bond that kept the connection between the different branches of their family alive.

One morning, while Xica was reviewing her correspondence, she found a letter from the prince. She opened it carefully and read it aloud to Baldwin:

Dear Xica,

I am greatly surprised by everything that has happened since I left. The news of your marriage to my uncle Baldwin left me speechless. I never imagined that fate could unite you in such a way. And the twins… what joy to know the family has grown! I look forward to the day I can return and meet my cousins.

Although I am far away, I feel that part of me is always with you. Stay strong and take good care of yourselves.

With love,

Your nephew,

The Prince

Xica smiled as she read the young prince's words, feeling warmth in her heart. Baldwin watched her, a soft smile on his face.

"He's a good boy. I hope he can return soon," said Baldwin.

Time had transformed both Baldwin and Xica. They were no longer the young people who had met under difficult circumstances. Now they were adults, parents of two children who filled their days with love and challenges. At five years old, Arik and Ariella were the embodiment of vitality and the promise of the future.

Arik, with his blonde hair and blue eyes, had an adventurous spirit that led him to explore every corner of the castle. His energy was contagious, and Baldwin and Xica were often seen laughing at his antics.

"Mom, look what I found!" Arik shouted one day, running towards Xica with a frog in his hand.

"Arik! Not inside the castle!" said Xica, trying to keep a serious expression while Baldwin suppressed a laugh.

Ariella, on the other hand, was more serious and reflective. Her eyes were also a deep blue, but her gaze had an intensity that reflected her intellectual curiosity. She spent hours riding with her father or reading with her mother.

"Dad, will you teach me more about the old traditions today?" Ariella asked, her tone showing her passion for knowledge.

"Of course, my little one. There is always something new to learn," Baldwin replied, stroking her hair.

The days were filled with moments like these, a mix of laughter and learning. One afternoon, while the children were playing in the garden, Baldwin decided to talk to them about the future.

"Arik, Ariella, come here," Baldwin called, sitting on a bench under a large oak tree.

The twins ran to their father and sat beside him, looking at him with curiosity.

"I want to tell you a story," Baldwin began, his voice full of gravity and tenderness. "One day, when you grow up, one of you will become the king or queen of Jerusalem. It will be a great responsibility, but also a great honor."

Arik looked at his father with wide eyes.

"Me? King?" he asked, unable to hide his excitement.

"Yes, son. You or your sister. It will depend on who is ready and who is chosen by the people," Baldwin replied, smiling.

Ariella, with her reflective nature, asked:

"And how will we know what to do, Dad?"

Baldwin caressed his daughter's cheek.

"You will know because you will be prepared. Your mother and I will teach you everything you need to know. And you will always have the wise advice of Tiberias, Godfrey, and all those who have helped us govern."

Xica, who had been watching from a distance, approached and joined them.

"We will always be here to support and guide you," she said, taking Baldwin's hand.

The days were filled with precious moments of teaching and love. Baldwin and Xica shared the upbringing of their children, teaching them not only the skills needed to rule but also the values of compassion, justice, and love.

One afternoon, Baldwin and Xica were in the library, reading a book about the old traditions of Jerusalem. Ariella was beside them, following the words with her finger.

"Dad, can you tell me more about the ancient kings?" Ariella asked, her voice full of curiosity.

"Of course, my daughter. There was a king named David, who was brave and wise. He ruled with justice and always thought of his people before himself. I want you to remember that, you must always put your people first," Baldwin replied.

Meanwhile, Arik was outside, practicing with his wooden sword, imitating the knights he had seen in training.

"Look, Mom! I'm a brave knight!" Arik shouted, waving his sword in the air.

Xica smiled, seeing her son's determination and spirit.

"Yes, you are, my brave knight," she said, laughing as she approached to hug him.

The nights were moments of peace and reflection. After the children fell asleep, Baldwin and Xica stayed awake, talking about the future and their dreams.

"Do you think they'll be ready when the time comes?" Xica asked, lying on Baldwin's chest.

"They will be. Because they will have our love and teachings. And because they are our children, brave and wise," Baldwin replied, kissing her forehead.

The love and unity of their family were unbreakable, a fortress on which everyone could rely. The days passed, filled with laughter, learning, and shared dreams.

Xica and Baldwin watched their children with pride, knowing that the future was in good hands. And although the path would not always be easy, they were ready to face any challenge together, as a family.

Night shadows began to fall over the castle, painting the sky a deep dark blue dotted with bright stars. Within the stone walls, Arik and Ariella prepared for bed in their room, which was decorated with carefully crafted tapestries and furniture.

Ariella was sitting on the bed, reading a book of ancient stories by the light of an oil lamp. Arik, on the other hand, was on the floor, playing with his wooden toys, a miniature knight and a dragon, recreating an epic battle.

"Ariella, don't you ever get bored of reading all the time?" Arik asked, looking up at his sister.

Ariella lifted her eyes from her book and looked at him with a slight smile.

"No, Arik. I like learning about our past. It's important to know where we come from to understand where we are going."

Arik sighed and flopped down on the carpet.

"But you never do anything fun. Everything is so… serious with you. You should learn to relax a bit."

Ariella closed the book and leaned forward, interested in the conversation.

"Relax? And what do you propose I do to relax, brother?"

Arik grinned mischievously and sat up, moving closer to his sister.

"We could go explore the garden at night. Dad told us stories about how he used to catch fireflies when he was a boy. It would be exciting, don't you think?"

Ariella shook her head gently but firmly.

"That sounds… dangerous. And Dad always says we need to be safe. Besides, I'd rather stay here and read. There are so many fascinating stories in these books."

Arik frowned in frustration and crossed his arms.

"You're always so proper, Ariella. You don't know what you're missing!"

Ariella shrugged and reopened her book, but her eyes stayed on Arik, feeling the urgency in his voice.

"Maybe someday, Arik. But for now, I'm happy like this. Besides, you can always tell me about your adventures, and it's like I'm living them too."

Arik lay on the bed, staring at the ceiling, his mind full of dreams and plans.

"I want to be a brave knight like Dad, saving kingdoms and fighting dragons. Wouldn't you like to be part of that, Ariella?"

Ariella smiled tenderly, knowing how much those dreams meant to her brother.

"Of course, Arik. But we also need people who think and plan. Someone has to make sure everything is in order while the brave knights are on their adventures."

Arik sighed, resigned but understanding his sister's point of view.

"I guess you're right. But promise me that someday you'll come with me on one of my adventures."

Ariella nodded slowly.

"I promise, Arik. Someday."

The conversation faded into a comfortable silence as they both settled into their beds. Ariella turned off the oil lamp, letting the starlight fill the room with a soft glow.

"Good night, Arik," Ariella said, closing her eyes.

"Good night, Ariella," Arik replied, looking at the stars through the window.

The twins fell asleep, each with their own dreams and aspirations, but always united by the unbreakable bond of their sibling love. The stars shone above them, silent witnesses to their promise of adventures and knowledge, bravery and wisdom.

Baldwin and Xica, watching from the ajar door, looked at each other with pride and love.

"Our children are destined for great things, Baldwin. I feel it in my heart," Xica whispered, taking her husband's hand.

"They are. And together, we'll guide them to find their path," Baldwin replied, gently squeezing Xica's hand.

The night stretched over the castle, enveloping the family in a mantle of peace and hope, as the seasons continued their eternal cycle, carrying with them the dreams and promises of the future.

I would like to know how you thought of the story, what else would you like me to add? It's almost the final stretch sadly but I already thought of a new story with our beloved Baldwin

#king baldwin iv x oc #kingdom of heaven #kingbaldwin #baldwin iv #king baldwin #baldwin #king baldwin x you #king baldwin iv #king baldwin x reader #king baldwin iv x reader #leper king #kingdom of heaven 2005 #koh fandom #the leper king

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szallejhscorner · 2 years

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Strawberry Crepes (Bonus Chapter)

How Long is Forever - Bonus Chapter

Here it is!! I promised to write this ages ago, and I finally found the time to do it. Not that easy with a five-month-old baby boy xD But here it finally is: the strawberry crepe date. I hope this can bring you some joy while we count down the days until season 2 will be there ♥

“I didn’t think you’d be here.”

“Why not?”

“You didn’t answer me for hours.”

Instead of searching eye contact, you closely examine the crunching snow under your feet and how more and more tiny flakes become one with the already white carpet covering the floor. Chishiya walks next to you, hands tugged into the pockets of his winter coat, and you can hear a huff coming from his direction.

“I was at work. Don’t expect me to keep my hands on my phone all day long.”

You feel how your face reddens, but at least you can put the blame on the cold wind. “Yeah… I know. It was just… I saw you’d read the message and…”

Chishiya pauses, which you only notice after a couple more steps. As you turn around and finally face him, he watches you with a raised brow and a more than mocking grin. “Do you really think I’d give you my number just to ignore you afterwards?”

With a shrug, you start to walk again and hear Chishiya’s footsteps in the snow as he follows. “You’d be surprised.”

In fact, you’re more than glad that Chishiya agreed to visit the teahouse once more. It’s the third time now since you bumped into him in the hospital, only that today, you had suggested meeting already at his work place to walk down the street together.

You had been surprised when he had finally answered to your message, and shortly after, you were headed towards the hospital. This man is still a mystery to you. He is reserved and calm, rarely gives away anything about him and doesn’t seem too interested in other, and yet the feeling of connection hasn’t vanished the slightest.

Even now as you walk next to him, it feels like you have done this a thousand times already. As if he is an old childhood friend that you have almost forgotten about, but now that you’re next to him, the familiarity returns. Which is weird, because you’re sure that you have never met him anywhere before. That is something Chishiya agrees to, although you’re sure he feels it too.

Carefully walking through the snow, you watch him out of the corner of your eye. He has dyed his hair since the last time you’ve met; the dark hairline is almost invisible now. The cold has turned his otherwise light cheeks into a soft red and the breath comes out in white clouds, but there is no motion in his face otherwise.

For a brief moment, his eyes flicker towards you and then back to the street, unfazed by the attention you give him. It is weird – you both have rarely anything in common. Chishiya, who is about to earn his PhD and showing barely any interests in the things you like and do, continues to agree meeting you. Maybe it’s not only the love for cheesecakes that you have in common.

The colorful storefront is already in sight, and you grin at the thought of the many cake variants, too many for just a handful of visits. You’d have to come here at least a dozen times to try yourself through all the options, and maybe Chishiya will agree to accompany you a couple of times more?

“I hope they still have their homemade mango cheesecake today. It looked pretty nice the last- oh.”

You stop right in front of the door, Chishiya doing the same next to you. The teahouse is dark, and a plain white piece of paper is attached to the door. “Temporarily closed… but they were still open yesterday!”

The grin drops immediately, and you already mourn the missed chance of trying out the mango cheesecake. You hope that it will reopen soon enough, and not stay closed forever despite saying “temporarily”. It wouldn’t be the first store to do so.

Chishiya, who seems completely unfazed by the scene in front of him, never gets rid of his ever-mocking smirk. “Someone died, probably.”

“Why so?” You blink in confusion, unsure if he has made a very morbid joke or if he’s being serious. The raised brow and the following chuckle tell you it has to be the latter, though.

“Well, isn’t that obvious?” he answers with that cold voice that causes the butterflies inside your stomach to go crazy, “restaurants and such only close in the short run because there has been a fatality inside the family.”

“It doesn’t have to be something bad! Maybe… someone gave birth to a child or married?”

Another snort. “You think they wouldn’t have known that earlier?”

“Hrmpf.” Not even caring to say more, you look down towards the snowy ground to hide your pout while you try to warm your hands inside the pockets. Walking down here has kept you warm, but now that you’re not moving, winter’s cold is hitting you with its full force. Chishiya doesn’t seem bothered by the cold, and you wonder if hugging him would keep you warm. You don’t dare to do it actually, of course. But just standing in front of a closed store is not an option either, and you fear that the mysterious blonde will leave soon since there won’t be any cheesecakes today…

“No cheesecakes this time, I suppose”, he repeats your thoughts and starts to walk further down the road, making you wonder if he lives in that direction or if he just keeps walking to avoid the cold.

After a short moment of confusion, you quickly follow to catch up with him. He walks a fast pace now, a bit too fast for your liking. “What are we going to do now, then?”

Chishiya shrugs already before you have finished that sentence.

“I can’t speak for you.”

“You know any other teahouse or bakery or something nearby?” you try to keep the conversation running, most of all because you’re really in the mood for something sweet now, but the blonde shakes his head. “No.”

What follows is an awkward silence while you try to walk next to him, Chishiya not paying much attention to you. It makes you feel like a little child begging for attention while the adults don’t want it, and you already open your mouth to say goodbye, turn around and go home to drown in shame unnoticed when Chishiya stops all of a sudden, causing you to bump into his side.

“I’m so sorry! Wh…” you start, but then you notice that Chishiya isn’t looking at you and you follow his eyes instead. He has come to a halt in front of another store, this one definitely open with lots of warm lights and beautiful decorations promising a warm and comfy atmosphere. A crêperie.

“Oh.”

It’s impossible to keep back the grin, and so many thoughts are running through your head. So Chishiya is still interested in spending some time with you, and you will get something sweet at last. Besides, this room will definitely warm you up and shelter you from the freezing wind, and – well – you can spend more time with the fascinating blonde!

Said man opens the door without any further comment, activating a bell at the ceiling. The smell greeting you is fabulous, although it’s too much at once to name certain scents. All you know is that it’s sweet and wonderful and delicious, maybe even better than the teahouse.

“We can sit there”, you nod towards one of the remaining empty tables, but Chishiya is already heading there, proving that he has seen it too. It feels wonderful to take off your coat and let the warm air seep into your cold skin, and you watch the other tables to get a feeling of what is served here.

Crepes. Lots of them. With ice cream, with fruits, with syrup. It feels like heaven.

“How come I’ve never been to this place before?” you wonder while nodding towards the waiter to thank them for the menu. Chishiya opens his carte and takes a quick look, and it seems he has made a decision long before you could even take in the whole assortment.

The blonde shoves his menu back to the corner of the table and leans back in his chair. “I guess you never bothered to walk further down the teahouse.”

“Fair!” You grin and let your eyes wander along the fabulous options. “Time to change that, though.”

Chishiya doesn’t respond and instead waits for you to make a decision on your dessert. His brown eyes burn into you, and it always makes you feel so exposed, as if it’s impossible to hide anything from him. Surprisingly, you barely care.

“Hmm…” you mumble, “the one with strawberries sounds promising. But blue berry vanilla doesn’t seem to be bad either… What about you?”

“I’ll take the strawberries.”

Whenever you’re out with Kuina and you both can’t decide on a dish, you usually take both and share with each other. Since the blonde wants to take strawberries, which is what you’d like to taste too, you say: “Oh! Maybe I can take the blueberries and we can sh-“

“No.” The answer comes quick like a shot, and you can tell he’s absolutely serious about it.

“Why not?” you ask with a pout that you can’t suppress, since you had hoped to find an easy solution to your difficulties to decide.

Chishiya raises a brow and huffs. “Don’t expect me to give away my strawberries. Take both if you can’t decide on one of them.”

“But that’s too much!” It’s not just one crepe with a handful of fruits. The plates that are delivered around you are so full that you can’t see the porcelain anymore, and one portion could suffice to satisfy three people.

“Not my problem, isn’t it?”

“You’re rude, you know that?” You stick out your tongue and seconds later the waiter returns to take your orders. And since you’re still unsure which one to take, you actually do what Chishiya has suggested: you order both. “I’ll so regret that later”, you mutter as soon as the waiter has gone.

The blonde laughs and subtly shakes his head. “You probably will. But don’t complain to me about a sore stomach.”

To pass the waiting time, you ask Chishiya a bit about his work. His answers are short, but he seems to enjoy talking about the things he can do best. How he’s had many more solo surgeries than any other surgeon his age, and that he plans to break the internal record for the longest operation. It has something to do with hearts, but you don’t really understand most of the terms he uses.

Here and there, you even tell a bit about yourself: what you do for a living, where you want to go with your life and all that. And again it feels like talking to an old friend that you haven’t seen for a long time.

The crepes are brought to your table, and you swallow upon seeing two huge plates filled to the brim with crepes, fruit and ice cream. Not enough to feed three people, but an entire country. And yet you’re excited to dive into this heaven of a dessert.

“Bon appétit”, you smile to Chishiya as you both try your crepes. Both the strawberry and the blueberry vanilla one are so delicious that you immediately feel like being in heaven, and it takes all your strength not to mourn out loud. The man sitting in front of you obviously enjoys his meal too, although his reactions are much more subtle. It’s rather a decent satisfaction in his face instead of the childish excitement that you feature.

And then, you have an idea. A stupid one, maybe, but it is your third date, so why not risk something?

You reach for his hand, careful, silently asking for permission. His skin is warm and soft, and you imagine that he takes good care since hands are a surgeon’s most precious instruments. And there it is again: the familiarity; the warmth that grows every time you look into his eyes. As if you’d been doing nothing else for your entire life.

He doesn’t stir. His eyes meet yours, frowning slightly, but he’s not retreating. Those eyes… they make you drown in them, like the endless cold of the ocean. You remember something that has never actually happened: you both lying next to each other, you stroking a strand of blonde hair behind his ear while staring into these exact eyes. It makes your stomach go crazy.

“Hm?” Chishiya hums questioningly, and you realize that you must have been staring at him intensely without saying a word for at least a minute.

It’s hilarious. You have only met this man a bit more than a week ago, and yet… yet if feels like you’ve known him for an eternity. “Oh, it’s nothing. Just…” you take a deep breath and decide to speak it out loud. “Ever since I met you, you’ve been like a very old friend. Someone who has been there for the majority of my life, and… holding your hand, I could swear that we did it a thousand times already. I know it’s ridiculous.”

“It is.”

But is it, really? What about these tales of soulmates, of lovers from previous lives who have met again? Chishiya doesn’t say so, but he squeezes your hand very quickly before releasing himself from your touch so he can return to his strawberries. It is gone so fast that you almost think it has been nothing but an imagination.

For a few minutes, you eat your crepes in silence. You rotate between both crepes but take care to eat all of the ice cream before it melts. It’s way too much for you to eat, of course, but you know they’ll give you the rest as takeaway.

The silence is not uncomfortable, though. Sure, you want to talk to him; want to hear his voice and learn more about him, maybe hold his hand again. Or even more. But there is no pressure to talk. Chishiya is here, and he won’t leave for another half an hour or so. And even then, you’re sure that you’ll meet again. For more crepes, and eventually for more closeness overall.

Remembering that there’ll be a family meeting later this day, you watch Chishiya’s features how he enjoys his strawberry crepe and wonder how it’d be to have him with you. It’s way too early for this of course, but you ask anyway: “What about we introduce you to my family soon?”

He chuckles and doesn’t even look up from his dessert. “We’re not there yet.”

“Yet?” You grin, and the tone in your voice causes his eyes to meet yours. “Does that mean we’ll be getting there someday?”

“Silly.” He shakes his head, but this time you can tell exactly that this is not what he’s actually saying. The shimmer of warmth in his eyes and the smirk on the edge of his lips is telling you all you need.

Not yet.

But you’re on a very good way to get there.

#aib #alice in borderland #aib chishiya #chishiya shuntaro #chishiya x reader #how long is forever

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respectthepetty · 2 years

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Hi! While watching the new episode of 609 Bedtime Story on Friday, I noticed something cinematographic in the background that I’m not sure how to interpret, so I was wondering if you might be able to explain to me what it could mean? (I’m still fairly new to this whole ‘The colors and lines and angles all have a meaning!’ thing, so I often do notice things but don’t know what to do with them.)

I’m talking about the dividing line in the background that appears in the scene at the café, where Mum meets Dew while returning Mint’s phone. It’s not super distinct, but it’s there. And Mum is clearly on his side of the divide, almost maintaining too much distance—maybe because he’s feeling estranged from Dew because he’s not his Dew? Or because he’s consciously trying to stay away from him to avoid making things awkward or to prevent himself from reaching out to him?

Meanwhile, Dew is standing much closer to the dividing line and kind of ... shifting around right at the border, sometimes just barely crossing it. I guess it’s like he’s trying to cross it, but doesn’t know how or can’t? I don’t know, that’s just my interpretation. The question to me is why, if he doesn’t remember who Mum is.

And then, when Dew crashes into the waiter behind him and falls right into Mum’s arms (I was feeling so sorry for Mum, because he gets to hold his boy but said boy doesn’t even remember him), they briefly meet in the middle, thereby crossing the divide for the duration of their hug. Although, really it’s just Dew who has crossed it, Mum remains on his side the entire time, with the exception of his hands that are around Dew.

But as soon as their hug ends, they’re both back on their respective sides, with Mum as far away from the line as he was before, and with Dew closer to it, once again, but still firmly on his side and not quite as close to it as he was before the hug.

I guess my question from all of this is: why? What’s happening here? I understand that their hug brought them together for a moment and that’s how they were able to cross the divide, because they were no longer separated in that moment and they were having a connection, but why does it seem to be Dew who’s always trying to cross over to Mum’s side? Especially if he doesn’t remember him?

(As a side note: do you think the horizontal line spanning the glass wall behind them is doing anything? Is there any meaning to it?)

I don’t know, maybe I’m misinterpreting or over-interpreting some stuff or overlooking something, but I thought maybe you’d have an idea, since you always seem to be able to pick up on these things and actually understand how they work (for which I greatly admire you, and I’m working on getting there too). Also, I’m sorry this got so long and convoluted. I hope you don’t mind me basically using you as a way to rant and vent my spinning thoughts and asking you about this. I’m really trying to learn how this stuff works because it’s a joy to notice and understand, so I’m using every chance I get to learn.

I hope you have an amazing day (and a great time watching the last episode of Between Us later today, fingers crossed it’ll be as good as it gets)!

@annamusic125-blog - I'm so happy you invited me to this conversation, but don't EVER apologize for big brain energy like this! You did amazing with your analysis and provided great visuals to support your claims. I am thrilled that you saw the lines too and that you noticed who crossed them! It's tough for people to acknowledge the background noise, so your observation skills are exceptional!

*This GIF comes from Parasite which did a fantastic job of using lines to show class divides and demonstrate people "crossing the lines" as well as utilizing stairs and building floors to show class status and wealth. AKA the movie helps people see the lines they may miss in other media.

Lines can be so subtle that we may not even realize they are there, like the line that divides Nueng and Palm in the beginning of Never Let Me Go.

Or the subtle lines that Wang always crosses with Inthawut in 180 Degree Longitude Passes Through Us (lines and barriers are significant in this show and integrated into the narrative extremely well).

But this is something that Golf and Suthipong, the director and cinematographer of both 609 Bedtime Story and The Eclipse, love to use - the subtle divides

But it's not just the divides they enjoy; it's the crossing of those divides

And it's the connection that runs through the divides. A strong line that is not vertical tends to be used for connecting characters.

When Akk started this argument with Ayan, Ayan was below the horizontal line and on his side of the wall.

But when the argument ends, Ayan is equal with Akk and the horizontal line that runs through Akk ends at Ayan. The line that once divided them is now used to connect them. Note: Ayan is always the one to cross the line in the beginning.

The lines don't have to be horizontal either. They can be diagonal, but normally, a diagonal line also builds balance.

All of this is to support exactly what you are thinking - the horizontal line is connecting Mum and Dew.

As you noted, Dew is so close to crossing the vertical line, but you asked why if he doesn't know this Mum? Because the show is proving that any version of Dew wants to be with any version of Mum regardless of the universe. This is reinforced by the vertical lines that divide Dew and Mint.

No matter the universe, there is always a line or object that divides Mint and Dew. It even appears in Mum's original universe between them.

But you might be thinking, they have the horizontal line too. Yes, because an each universe they are connected (at the head, not the body or the heart), but the barrier exists here too with much more space than what Dew gives Mum. With Mint, Dew always leaves plenty of space.

But he crosses the line or barrier with Mum each time

Which is why fate has him cross the line here

Mum is maintaining so much space between them because he doesn't want to ruin his sister's happiness. He knows if he gets too close to Dew, he will give in, so fate pushes them together and does what Mum can't. Dew is so close to the line because he doesn't know the information that Mum does. He is physically reacting to Mum's presence, unaware of what draws him to Mum, but willing to cross the line to see.

Don't forget the colors!

P'Golf established the colors in an introduction video to the series: Mum's original world is green, yellow, and red. Dew's world is blue. Their 609 fantasy world is purple. Mum, as much as he is distancing himself from his world's Dew, he is still very much connected to his 609 fantasy world Dew -

He makes this Dew a purple drink, with a purple lily (fantasy world Dew's favorite), in his purple shirt, a color he hasn't worn before. The Dew he gives it to is not the 609 fantasy world Dew, but the transference of the color is another link between any version of Mum and any version of Dew because later on, this Dew enters the fantasy world and sleeps with Mum.

Golf and Suthipong are visually showing us that Mum and Dew are connected no matter what and will continue to cross the lines because regardless of the universe, they are drawn to each other.

Good eye! I hope you are proud of yourself for your remarkable attention to detail and thanks for the ask.

#609 bedtime story #Mum x Dew #background noise #the colors mean things #the cinematography #crossing the line #In any universe‚ they are connected

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sorchathered · 4 months

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Outer Range spoilers under the cut, you’ve been warned bbs

Ok, I just finished the season, didn’t have a chance to binge after getting back from Japan and hitting the ground running but I managed to avoid spoilers thankfully.

1. Episode one almost felt like a completely different show, I knew from the beginning that a new showrunner meant a direction change but it didn’t seem to have that odd obscure factor to it last season had. Rhett content is mostly what I am here for and thankfully while fleeting he made sure to stand out with his endearing panic over all the cats in the hotel and all the ridiculous faces he pulled. Billy being alive and getting some musical content was exactly what I hoped for, Noah Reid is a scene stealer and I adore him.

2. Helloooo young Royal, I honestly didn’t think I’d find you appealing but something about your arms nearly busting the sleeves of that pearl button up got me going. Perry is almost human in these scenes with his father, I have been a huge member of the fuck Perry Abbott fan club so if I’m giving him a compliment just know it’s shocking me too. Rhett finding out about Amy tore my heart up, he may be done with his family but he loves his niece with all of his heart. Maria once again gives me the ick, she consistently proves time and time again that she doesn’t know anything about Rhett but she enjoys the attention he gives her. I think she is just using him to get out of Wabang and it could really have been anyone who gave her the time of day to sweep her away from that town, Rhett just happened to be mooning over her enough that she finally took notice.

3. While I am still on the fence about this new showrunner and the direction, RHETT’S NAKED ASS 🥵

Lew still wins the battle of the top gun boys in the best ass around battle, I’m sorry but you could bounce quarters off that thing it is perfection.

Luke Tillerson is a weirdo fuck boy, dude you are a pos as a brother and now you think your purpose is to follow autumn around like a puppy. I’d say grow up but I think that you don’t have the ability.

4. Idk that we needed an entire episode about Joy, but I did enjoy this one. It gave us more insight into how the past can change the present through the hole and while it didn’t make much sense in the rules of time travel I did like seeing how it changed things in Royal’s life and joy’s little one finding the picture with her mom in it from the 1880’s.

5. That choking scene finally makes more sense in the context of Cecilia’s dream. Lily Taylor has been crushing it this season, her character development has been phenomenal. I feel like the interpretation of the dream was something I would need to watch a few times to really understand, but I felt so much for her in that moment. Amy and Autumn having a psychic connection during Autumn’s trip with the mineral was crazy, I’m glad she got her memories back but she just continues to puzzle me more and more.

6. This episode was WILD. So much packed into an hour. I agree with everyone else that this Rhett/Dr Nia subplot was fucking weird, I get it though get your bag baby. He didn’t get nearly enough time for us to understand why he wanted to do it or what drove him to do something that felt so out of character for him. Rip Billy, you were far too camp and fabulous for this world and you deserved so much more, Luke and Autumn’s creepy sexual tension strikes again and I haaaattteee it. Royal did the right thing for once sending Perry back, he needs to get his shit together and somehow young Royal seems to be the only level headed person right now (insanity!).

Joy has got some serious PTSD, I am so glad her wife is understanding but she needs to speak to someone, it’s going to boil over soon enough.

7. I meant to discuss everything with Rebecca but now is as good a time as any. When Autumn says that she only took Amy out of spite it really tied it all together. She never loved Perry, she probably never loved Amy, she seems extremely selfish and childish and I feel for Amy because she doesn’t have anyone right now. She thinks she can trust the people she knows from back home and that backfires horribly in her face. When Autumn shows Rebecca the vision and I realized the whole thing is about Amy being a sacrifice for the hole I felt a pit in my stomach. This poor child has been through hell, and now she doesn’t have any choice but to be thrust into becoming the person Autumn is engineering her to be. Perry saving Trevor came at such a weird cost, I audibly gasped when I realized what was about to happen. I can’t imagine how weird that must be, carrying your own corpse home to lay it to rest and realizing that you have a chance to change everything. But again the rules of time travel don’t seem to apply here, because I don’t think Wayne would have thrown himself in the hole if Trevor was still alive in his present, and it would have changed every single circumstance that brought them to this point.

Regardless the season was ok, plot was hard to follow (more than usual) and in some scenes it felt like I was watching a totally different show. I think I like that we can continue to write our fics about Rhett and that the show didn’t alter our perception of him as much, but I also think he should have had more time. His character development was almost non existent, like @delopsia and I were talking about the other day, they should have rustled up a few of us Rhett writers and we could have really crushed this season. I’ll continue to live in delulu fanfic land because as much as I was excited for this season it just wasn’t what I hoped for.

#lewis pullman #rhett abbott #outer range #spoilers #outer range spoilers #season 2

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essaysbyciara · 1 year

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can you feel me?

*drops a flex bomb.* new ish by me. i'm an essayist on the other side of the internet. you can read my work here.

I sit in this space of public lament. I cry out a lot. I rage on about my life in the form of words and sentences. It makes me look like a self-deprecating, depressed humanoid. I can’t really run from my truth but it would be nice for me – and for you – to see me escape out from of my dungeon of doom and gloom and woe-is-me to locate an ounce of creativity to write about some light.

So I’m going to use him as an excuse.

This crush will probably wane soon. This smooth transition from fascination to infatuation will dissipate and I’ll be back to thinking that he’s just “cool”. Not in a negative way though. “Cool” in like, damn, I wish we weren’t so damn apart geographically so we could actually kick it more often. I think he’s one of the smartest people I’ve ever met. “Cool” in that I’d beg my homegirl to date him if they did ever crossed paths.

And before you ponder whether I’ve thought about dating him, remember that I’m standing ten-toes down in a place of joy with this one.

I often talk about how I appreciate crushes. I truly do enjoy the feeling. There’s an innocence in basking in your own consciousness about someone’s perfection. Nothing they can say or do can knock them off their pedestal. My heart is fluttering but I’m humbled that he’s plugged into me in the way that he is right now.

I never felt this way before... Boy, the feeling that you give to me I can’t ignore, you’re my joy… You truly do enlighten me, you’re all I’ll ever want and need You got the best of me so baby come with me, come with me… You got me wide open and I’m digging you so baby Keep it coming, truly indeed, sent from your majesty Tell me can you feel me, feel me?

This is hard to complete. I want to veer off into a space where I get angry that whatever-this-is-that-I-feel is going to stay a feeling and not a reality. I can’t go there. There’s power in words. I’ve brought relationships to the brink of death just by asking God in words to do such a thing. I’ve manifested my own heartbreak. I’ve begged the Creator to make some dude disappear only for him to come back in a test of my trust in Her.

So what if I write that I hope that we develop a deep friendship. That in some way we’ll connect on a level where we’ll need each other for nothing else but as a source of love and light. We’ll celebrate each other’s victories like we got the gold medal ourselves; be inspirational and a push to do better and be better.

Truth be, he does that already. I think I offer the same.

So that’s why this “crush” caught me off guard. Maybe I’m in a space where I want to feel something about somebody and he’s in the way. I’m not mad at it. Like I said, this organ sitting behind a breastplate is cold to a lot of good things. Maybe the Creator saw me traveling into another short season of dread and chose this as the way to stop me.

So me rejecting lament is me telling those powers and principalities – those things not seen that want nothing else but to see me wading in the deep – that this feelings won’t be capped by those sleepless nights of wondering about this elongated season of loneliness.

It’s a reminder that joy is always around the corner and I should always make sure to keep him in my petitions to the Creator – not to stare into the eyes of mine but to always keep him in the eyesight of Her.

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jouliejihan · 1 year

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𝑳𝑶𝑽𝑬 𝑶𝑵 𝑨𝑰𝑹! - hueningkai × fem reader

𝑺𝒀𝑵𝑶𝑷𝑺𝑰𝑺: When Y/N and her eccentric friends decide to host the 'Love On Air' podcast, they think they can heal the heartaches of all HYBE Uni students. But when love begins to bubble up behind the scenes, Y/N finds herself at the center of a messed up love triangle. While she tries to save broken hearts, a shy student, Hueningkai, does everything to win her heart. With clumsy dating advice, accidental encounters and a chaotic podcast, will love triumph or end up in a hilarious mess?

"Tune in with us guys, cause Love is On Air!"

TAGLIST (open, send ask or comment to be added) @full-sunnies @unh0ly-dr3am3r @enhacolor @mackjestic @beabeanice @fairy-of-sugar

previous • masterlist • next

3 - Alberta beef n' Ginger beer trio

WARNING: mention of alcoholic beverages, readers, drink in moderation

A/N: how abt this easter egg? Thanks to @amakumos 's amazing series, Love On Air was born! Thanks baby! Keep going with your masterpieces!

meanwhile...

It was a cold, starry night when Jay parked the car in front of Incheon Airport. _____ felt a mixture of anxiety and joy as she prepared to be reunited with her friends, Jake and Lily, who she had spent time with in Australia.

A few years ago, when she was 16, she decided to go on an exchange to Brisbane, in celebration of her birthday. It was a new adventure in an unfamiliar place, but she was looking forward to exploring and meeting new people.

It was during this journey that he met Jake, a charming and funny boy who studied at the same exchange school. From their first meeting, they forged a special connection, sharing laughs, stories and unforgettable moments together.

As their friendship grew, she began to feel something deeper for him. His captivating smile, his sense of humor and his kindness won her heart. However, there was a hitch: Jake was dating Lily, another Australian student from Marysville, who was also spending her holidays in Brisbane.

Though she felt a small twinge of sadness knowing this, she knew that Jake's happiness was important to her. She decided that she would do her best to support her friend and help him find happiness with Lily.

With that in mind, ______ started planning a cute and romantic date for the couple. She carefully chose the location, a quiet beach with a stunning view of the sunset, and prepared a picnic basket filled with the lovebirds' favorite treats on the sand.

On the day of the date, she was nervous, but her determination to see her friends happy was stronger. She took Jake down to the beach he excited but disappointed to see her friend leave so early she asked:

"Leaving so soon? Stay here with me for a bit"

"Sorry, Jake, I gotta… she stuttered. "Work in some things at the dorm. Have fun, okay?

As the couple enjoyed their romantic picnic, she watched from afar, feeling mixed emotions. She saw them laughing, talking and sharing special moments. Although her heart yearned to be in Lily's shoes, she was grateful to have the opportunity to be a part of their happiness, even if it was in a different way.

At the end of the date, she joined them, her eyes were teary but overflowing with genuine joy.

"I hope you enjoyed my little surprise!" _______ smiled

"Are you kidding?! This is beautiful! Thank you! But how do you…?

"I know you Jake! The connection you share with each other is unique and special. This is what I feel iny heart."

Lily also expressed her gratitude and hugged her.

"You're a wonderful girl. Thanks for helping us create such special memories."

Despite the unrequited feelings, she felt a deep joy at having contributed to her friends' happiness. The friendship between them strengthened even more that day, but unfortunately, it did not last as _____ imagined. On the last day of their exchange, Jake passed by her room in the dorm and saw her packing her bags and was in shock.

"What… what's all this?!?!"

"Unfortunately my time here is over. In a little while I'll be heading back home."

"Oh no, you won't! Not now, not like this! Come here!"

⊹⊱•••《 💗 》•••⊰⊹

The long-awaited farewell day in Brisbane arrived. Jake and Lily wanted to make sure their friend had a memorable send-off before catching the flight back home. They decided to take her to an amusement park, where they could enjoy an afternoon filled with emotions and laughter.

________ felt nostalgic as she walked through the streets of Brisbane towards the park. She was grateful to have met Jake and Lily, who had made her exchange experience even more special.

At the amusement park, the trio of friends boarded roller coasters, spun on Ferris wheels and challenged their nerves on thrilling rides. Laughter and squeals of joy echoed through the air as they enjoyed themselves like there was no tomorrow.

In the midst of the fun, they stopped at a game stand, where Jake got her a stuffed dolphin. It was an affectionate gesture that represented the friendship they shared.

"Jake… no need!" ______ smiled putting her hand in front of her mouth

"But you deserve it! A special little gift for our very special friend!"

She hugged the dolphin tenderly, feeling the emotion overflow in her heart.

"Thanks. I will keep this little creature with a lot of love. It'll always remind me of the amazing times we had here.!

The afternoon at the amusement park was filled with joy and fellowship. As the sun began to set, they walked back to the car, sharing smiles and memories of their time together.

The time has come to say goodbye. Jake and Lily accompanied her to Brisbane Airport, where warm hugs and words of gratitude were exchanged.

"Jake, Lily, thank you for everything. You guys made my experience here unforgettable. Gonna miss you guys a lot."

"We'll miss you too, _____" Jake hugged stroking his long, straight auburn strands

"But we promise to never forget everything you've done for us." Now it was Lily's turn to hug her friend and then she released her, watching her go down the departure corridor. "Have a safe trip home, friend!"

"Take care!" Jake yelled waving at her

As she walked away, she looked back to see Jake and Lily waving with smiles full of affection and longing.

At Brisbane Airport, she _____ boarded the plane, taking with her not only the memories of her stay in Brisbane, but also the knowledge that true friendship transcends borders and miles. She knew they would always hold a special place in her heart, wherever she wanted them to be.

But what she didn't know was that it wouldn't be the last time they would see them. Long before they met, he was famous for his travel vlogs with Lily, among his loyal followers was Park Jongseong, who he kept in touch with on Twitter, Instagram, KakaoTalk and other platforms.

When mentioning his friend in one of his videos, Jay was surprised by the fact that both share the same friendship and have similar tastes, even if they are distant, the two enjoyed each other's company and imagined the day when they would meet in person. Now, 5 years later, this dream is about to come true.

As they waited in the arrivals area, anticipation rose in her. She imagined all the stories and experiences Jake and Lily would have to share. The longing was palpable, and her heart beat faster as the moment neared.

Finally, the doors opened, revealing Jake and Lily, who emerged with beaming smiles on their faces. _______ rushed towards them, their arms wrapping around each other in a tight, warm hug.

"Jake-ah! Lily-ah! I miss you guys!"

"Noona, how good it is to see you again! I already missed those warm hugs!"

"You guys are so dramatic!" she rolled her eyes and smirked "But it feels great to be here!"

As they walked towards the car, the conversation began to flow. There, Jake and Lily share their adventures, telling funny and heartwarming stories about their time on their travels.

"So Jake, tell me, what's the big news?"

Jake smiled, showing a glint of excitement in his eyes.

"I enrolled at HU! Starting tomorrow I'll be your Engineering classmate!"

______ was surprised and overjoyed at the news. She could barely contain the joy that spread throughout her body.

"Really?! This is amazing! I can't wait for us to be classmates. We're going to spend such great time together!"

As they celebrated the news, Lily became a little quieter beside them. She knew her path would take them in different directions.

"Unfortunately, I enrolled at the JYP Institute. My Marine Biology course will be there."

"So it looks like that's the end of our Alberta Beef and Ginger Beer trio, does it?" he scratched the back of his head

"Yeah, it is, but I promise I'll support you both no matter where we go in the future." the Canadian wistfully stated

"Pinky swear, noona?"

"Is this serious, unnie?" protested Lily

"C'mon! Do it with us!" the oldest asked

Then the three crossed their pinkies and sealed the promise to never forget the friendship they cultivated 5 years ago.

And a while later, they arrived at HYBE Uni's dorm. With the lights in the university parking lot still on, Jay could see through the window of his car some students leaving, others returning.

"Are you coming, noona?" questioned Jay

"Not yet. Me and Lily need some time alone, so, Jake, mind going ahead?"

"Of course not. Hyung, can you help me with the bags?"

"No problem!"

From the moment the Australian set foot in Seoul, the Canadian noticed that she was distant and quiet. Lily was never the type of woman to pretend to be shy or stay silent for no reason, she knew there was something wrong with her friend and as soon as the two got out of the car, she set out to find out, asking:

"Lily-ah, are you okay?"

"Unnie, do you have some time for some love advice?"

"I always have, so go ahead, pour your heart out to me."

"You see, Jake and I broke up before we moved here and…"

"Really?! But you were so happy together!"

"I know! But lately I didn't feel that euphoria anymore. And it seems that Jake feels the same way."

"Was it because of me?"

"No! You were an angel bringing us together! It's my fault that my feelings are changing and I don't know how to deal with it."

"When you live with someone for a long time, you learn about yourself and your feelings towards them, I don't understand what you fear so much."

"Regret. I'm afraid my feelings for him will grow back over time and I'll take drastic action when it's too late and he'll hate me for it. What do you suggest I do?"

"Did you guys talk about this before the move?"

"We do."

"So, there's nothing to fear! As this was a recent breakup, it's normal for you to miss the moments shared together, besides, it's not because you're not in love with Jake anymore that you don't love him! If he makes you happy and he feels the same, you can still be friends."

The Australian was trying her best not to break down in front of her friend, but when the Canadian woman smiled and placed her hand on her shoulder, she couldn't contain the lump in her throat and the tears streaming down her face, so she pulled it closer for a hug.

"I don't deserve a friend like you, unnie!"

"You're so pretty and wonderful, Lily. You certainly deserve to be treated like a princess, which I know you are."

"Thanks." _______ wiped Lily's tears with her thumb "Promise not to tell my story on your podcast? I don't want people hustling about my love life."

"Promise. Want Jay to give you a ride to your dorm?"

"Won't he mind?"

"I don't know, but I'll ask him anyway."

"Thanks."

As she wandered through the halls, she pulled out her cell phone and found a photo of the trio in her gallery, in one of the most chaotic moments in Australia.

On a Friday night, Lily and Jake decided to take ________ out for a fun night out at a local bar in Brisbane. It was a perfect opportunity to relax, unwind and create more memories together.

Sitting at a table, _______ was excited to try something new. As the waiter approached, she glanced at the menu and, intrigued, decided to order a bottle of ginger beer.

"Come on, guys! I want to see what it feels like to drink ginger beer. It should be interesting!"

Jake and Lily exchanged amused glances and agreed to try it too. Soon, the bottles were poured, and they toasted, ready to enjoy the night.

As the night wore on and she drank her third glass of ginger ale, she began to feel the brew's effect.

"Ahn, guys. I think I'm starting to get a little dizzy. I didn't know this beer was this strong!"

"Careful, _____, this drink can be tricky." Jake mocked

"But look on the bright side! You're starting to have fun!" Lily added

Suddenly music started playing in the bar, _______ recognized it immediately and started jumping up and down laughing out of nowhere.

"Is it Seventeen's Adore U? Man, I love this song!"

Why are you keeping a front?

I don’t know, I don’t know what will happen

Without hesitation, she got up from the table and started dancing and singing excitedly in the middle of the bar, attracting the attention of everyone around her.

So what I mean is, I want to know all of you

I’ll sing you, you-hoo, I’ll sing you, you-hoo

Even if my lips are dry, I need to say this baby

I adore you, I adore you, enough to get dizzy

Adore you!

Jake and Lily joined in on the fun, laughing and cheering as she let loose on the makeshift dance floor.

The funny and adorable scene continued as she expressed her joy and excitement through music. People around were amused by their spontaneous performance, and soon the whole bar was clapping and singing along.

After a while, _______ came down to the table, out of breath, but with a huge smile on his face.

"Who knew that innocent little face of yours guarded a k-pop star, huh?" Lily teased

"Oh, don't say that! That was humiliating!" _____ covered her red face with her hands

"What do you mean? It was fun! But take it easy next time we go out, okay?"

"Alright Jake!"

It was then that he had a brilliant idea. He spotted a man sitting at a nearby table with a cell phone in hand. He approached the men and asked kindly:

"Sorry to bother you sir, but could you take a picture of the three of us?"

The man smiled and readily accepted. The trio stood together, grimacing and laughing as the old man captured the image.

With a smile on their faces, they huged each other, making funny poses and enjoying the moment of true friendship.

After the photo, they thanked the lord and returned to the table, still laughing at the situation.

The night continued with more laughs, stories and unforgettable moments shared among the friends. She learned that some unusual choices can lead to moments of pure fun and special memories.

That night in that bar in Brisbane will remain in her memories as a moment when friendship strengthened and joy overflowed.

A/N: So the first couple our little angel got a together, was with her best friend who she had a crush on, and her first love advice was about their breakup...

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ladylooch · 1 year

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Letters in Your Last Name - Chapter 21

A/N: I purposefully didn't post because of the alternate AU Kevin I posted here yesterday. But I love this chapter. I am so happy we got the video mentioned here of Kev at the winter classic "But I'm not gonna do that." 🤭 I love him. So much. He's so ridiculous and such a princess.

Word count: 5.1k

Warnings: SMUT 18 + Content, Angsty!!!

The day before Thanksgiving, blood pounds in my veins due to a freight train of anxiety.

I watch on the TV screen as Kevin waits for the signal from the referee for his shootout attempt in New Jersey. The boos rain down from the Devil fans as he sets his gaze on the net minder. To anyone else, he looks determined. To me, he looks empty. The joy of hockey has been taken from him, or truthfully, maybe he gave it away. He’s had a tough, East Coast road trip that has started rumors and whispers around the league that his time in Minnesota is limited. He did nothing to help them after dodging a question about being removed from the power play by insinuating Dean Evason never had a conversation with him about it.

Boy, did the media love that one.

I tried to call Kevin that night and into the next morning, but he ignored me. It is frustrating to me how easy it can be for him to shut down. Meanwhile, every minute he didn’t respond, a thousand more comments popped up on Twitter about the Wild speaking with Vancouver, New Jersey, Boston, and New York about moving Kevin. When I finally spoke to him, he played it off like he was sleeping. Sure, Kev. It’s three days later and Kevin still looks as shut down as he did in the interview after the loss to Florida. I’m hoping a goal will boost his confidence and his demeanor. He’s been playing well- a team focused game- and if he holds on, the goals him and the fans are longing for will come.

Kevin cuts into the ice and begins his pursuit to the net. First, he goes left, then he moves right before he pulls back to the left. From there, he slides the puck level with his hip and snipes the puck into the top right corner. It’s a beautiful goal- full of patience, finesse and the snapping of white twine. I cheer from my spot on the couch and watch eagerly as the camera zooms in on his face. My smile falls instantly. He’s not happy. A tightness forms inside of me and I feel the anxiety gripping at my throat again. Cam Talbot makes the save at the other end. The Wild are leaving Jersey with another win secured.

As the post game coverage begins, I go over the plan I created this morning while staring at the ceiling unable to sleep. The ultimate plan to ease my anxiety and connect with Kevin after a hard week apart. It’s time to shake some things up and what better way than to turn into a sex goddess. Sex is how Kevin and I connect. I feel safe and loved and desired by him when we are engaging in the most intimate, pleasurable act humans can do. Surely, hot sex has solved every relationship rift, right? So, I wandered to the mall earlier today and selected the sexiest outfit I could find. It’s sure to have Kevin hot and needy before he even has a chance to unpack tonight.

My phone buzzes on the couch next to me as I’m drifting off to the latest Becoming Wild episode on Calen Addison. I glance down at Kevin’s text.

Taking off. See you soon, babe.

Time for my work to begin.

I step into the shower and pay extra attention with my razor. I scrub my body with an exfoliating scrub as well so my skin will feel smooth and rich despite the colder temperatures outside. When I’m done, I begin the delicate task of getting myself ready. I do my full face make up and curl my hair into easy, cascading tendrils. My curls are loose and after struggling with the comb and a bit of hair spray, I achieve the volume I want. Nothing super crazy, but just enough to make him wonder if I’ve been rolling around in bed all day, waiting for him.

Next, I head to the closet and grab the new black, lace teddy I got from Victoria’s Secret. There is a built in bra that covers my breasts in black lace before giving way to see through lace weaving in a delicate design down my stomach and between my legs. The sides have cut outs along with black ribbon keeping the ensemble together. The bra has extra padding in the bust, not that I need it, but it helps keep the girls up and in place. I grin widely when I finish, looking at myself in the mirror. Yeah, I’m definitely fuckable.

Now, I just need Kevin.

You would think this is our first time having sex with the butterflies dancing in my stomach. I’m anxious. I don’t know why. He’s going to love it. At least I think he will. I close my eyes and imagine him entering the apartment. The look on his face when he sees me, the way his hands will grab me. He’ll walk us into our bedroom and bury his face into my breasts. Then, he’ll fuck me hard, fast, and deep until we both can’t handle it anymore.

I pour myself a glass of wine and glance at my phone. He should be home any minute now. I suck down the red liquid and savor the feeling of the warmth sliding into my stomach. I want to feel loose. After being so high strung this entire road trip, I need to melt into a different world with Kevin. I’m in the bedroom, sitting patiently on the bed when I hear the door of our apartment open. A knowing smile pulls my lips apart and I wait.

“Babe?” Kevin calls further into the apartment when he notes I’m not in the living area. I stand and walk to the doorway of our bedroom, leaning against it casually with my arms crossed under my plumped breasts.

Kevin steps into my line of vision and I watch with sultry eyes as he tosses his jacket on the couch. He lets out a cute little yawn. When he finds me at the door, his entire body stills. Then his eyes slowly dance from my face down to my toes and back up. With each look, his features get softer and his jaw unclenches in obvious desire. His hands drop to his sides as he begins to walk towards me.

“Welcome home.” I muse.

“This is nice.” He says, reaching for my hips and pulling me tight to him, his hands immediately slip down to my bare ass, gripping it in his strong hands. “Where is this from?” He asks me, his lips an inch from mine. I can already feel the need building within from the way he’s looking at me. The unsteadiness of the last week is melting second by second.

“Does it matter?” I respond after he kisses my lips gently. He lets out a brief laugh and shakes his head.

“No.” He steps forward and begins to move me backwards leisurely. My knees hit the back of our bed and he sits me down. He takes in a full look of me again. Why isn’t he picking me up and throwing me on the bed?

“You are so beautiful.” He tilts my chin up to look at him. His eyes have melted into pools of desire and his eyebrows are pulled together in earnest.

Everything about him is slow and deliberate and gentle. This is not what I was expecting from him. I thought I looked like a sex goddess. He’s touching me like I’m the girl next door. And I don’t like it. In an attempt to change the pace, I reach for his belt and help his pants slip down his hips. His erection juts out and I reach for it, getting my mouth ready to take him in.

“No.” Kevin reaches for my wrist and gives it a gentle squeeze for me to released him. I look up at him with furrowed brows. What guy doesn’t want a blow job? Definitely not my fiancé.

“Kev..” I trail off.

“Not tonight.” He says to me.

He reaches for my thighs and tilts me back until I’m flat on my back. My breasts bounce in the bra and practically hit my chin. Geez, these things are weapons right now. Kevin seems to have liked that though. His hands come to them, giving each a firm squeeze. My nipples pucker in delight and he brushes his thumbs against their form through my bra. Next, he moves south, slowly, almost painfully, kissing down my stomach until he reaches his destination. His tongue licks at me through the teddy before he moves the fabric to the side with his hand. The cool air reaches my clit and I brace myself for the desperate nibbling I know is coming.

Except it doesn't. Again, he’s slow and gentle and, don’t get me wrong, I like it, but it’s not what I was anticipating. As he works his mouth on me, my eyes open and my heart rate begins to increase. The anxiety is suffocating me again. Why isn’t he railing into me? Why is he going so slow and deliberate? Why is this the reaction I’m getting from this expensive outfit? Is it not sexy? Is he not into this? Fuck!

I lick my lips and push out a breath, trying to refocus on what Kevin is doing. I close my eyes again and focus on the feeling of his tongue lapping at me. His finger circles my opening and he slides in and out with gentle ease. Despite my overactive mind, I’m wet and ready for anything he wants to give me. His finger curls and I feel him bump into that spot inside of me that endlessly begs for him. I pull in a sharp breath and then let it out in a low moan. I open my eyes and Kevin is watching me again with those doe like eyes. Damn it, I want the fire eyes. I break eye contact immediately and reach for his hand, halting him.

“Babe, this is nice, but can you fuck me please?” I ask him. Kevin stills and is quiet for a moment in the dark.

“Ah... yeah.” He finally says, but his tone is questioning. He pulls the shirt off his shoulders and then slides the remaining clothes down his legs. When he is naked in front of me, he looks at me and tilts his head. His hand does a sweeping gesture to my outfit. “How would one get this off?” He laughs, his white teeth shining in the dark. “Is there something on the back?”

“No, it’s the arms.” I start to shimmy and tug the straps off. The bra portion falls down. Kevin pauses my movements, hands working on my breasts again. He leans down and sucks a nipple into his mouth. I let out a needy breath, adding an extra, exaggerated cry to turn up the heat in the room. Kevin pulls away after that and slides the teddy the rest of the way off me. “We will be seeing you again soon.” He assures the fabric before tossing it on the floor. I giggle excitedly at that. So he does like it.

Kevin positions himself between my legs and gradually slides into me. When he’s all the way in, he pulls out a few inches then slides all the way back in again. I adjust to him quickly and I wiggle my hips excitedly for him to go. I settle in deeper to the comforter and wait in anticipation for his thrusts to increase.

And yet again, they don’t. Instead, the tempo Kevin sets is somewhere in the lazy, Sunday morning sex category. Not, haven’t seen you in a week, I’m dying for you, sexy outfit category. I resist the urge to sigh in disappointment and instead focus on the feeling of his dick sliding inside of me, willing the tension to build. This goes on for a few more thrusts. Kevin leans down and presses our lips together in a kiss that’s sickeningly sweet. His mouth opens against mine as he breathes heavier, but it lacks the edge of sexiness I crave.

If the outfit isn’t the problem, it must be me. I think back on the minutes and hours he was able to stay disconnected from me this past week. Like he completely forgot about having someone at home waiting for him. During that same time, I felt like our entire world was falling apart. The pressure of tears begin to build behind my eyes and my chest squeezes as my imagination sprints down anxiety road. The heaviness of my engagement ring on my left hand has completely disappeared from my mind.

He isn’t attracted to me. I’m not enough for him. He’s going to leave me.

“Hey, are you here with me?” Kevin mumbles as he pulls up to glide in and out steadily. He’s looking into my face and he must see the trace of absence there.

“Kevin, can you please fuck me.” I encourage him with a desperate edge to my voice. He immediately stops and looks down into my face with an irked expression.

“Babe, I’m making love to you.”

“I don’t want that.” I borderline cry to him.

“What do you want?” He asks me in a low voice. I can see his eyebrows pulling down over his beautiful eyes. He looks hurt.

“I want you to fuck me so hard that I can’t speak.” I snap exasperatedly at him.

“I can’t do that tonight, Sam.” He whispers back to me. I hate the way my name sounds coming through his lips and it makes me wince.

“Then I don’t want this.” I push at his bare chest as tears fill my eyes. He slides out of me instantly and I roll out from under him. I can feel his eyes burning into my back as I walk to the bathroom and close the door.

"Sam?" He calls to me from where he is still kneeling on our bed.

The sobs instantly come. I know Kevin can hear me from the bedroom and I’m trying to be quiet but it’s not working. Soon, I can sense him outside the door. I know he’s at war with himself between wanting to give me space and wanting to hold me.

My plan has utterly back fired. Instead of the uncontrollable desire from Kevin, I got the vanilla side of him. Don’t get me wrong. There is a time and place to enjoy that, but it’s not what I need right now. Not with this horrible insecurity and unknown swirling around our entire life. I need the burning desire. The ache for each other where even though every inch of your body is touching, it’s still not enough. I need that all consuming passion as reassurance of our connection to each other.

The door quietly opens so I hide my tear streaked face in my hands. Kevin covers me with my pink robe from the back of the door before he slides down to the floor. He wraps me into his arms and lifts me into his clothed lap. His touch makes me cry harder. I begin to feel shame seep into the joints in my body. Kevin holds me steadily through each sob.

“What’s going on?” He asks me when my tears have quieted.

“It’s been a really hard week.” I cry to him through a few sniffles. “Your name has been in every fucking trade rumor in the league.”

“Babe, you gotta stay off Twitter.” He sighs, adjusting my hip in his lap to settle us against the wall better.

“Fine. I need to stay off Twitter.” I admit, wiping under my eyes. My finger tips are black from the heavy mascara I put on. Great. I still can’t look into his face from both embarrassment and distress. “But you’ve been so distant this entire road trip. We barely spoke and half the time you wouldn’t even answer my texts. Sometimes, it was like I didn’t even exist to you. At one point, I was convinced you were so quiet because you had been traded!”

“I’m sorry. I was spiraling and trying to stay focused. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“Well, it made me feel like shit. And really insecure. And like an outsider in your life.”

“That’s why I needed to fuck you?”

“Yes. I wanted to feel desired. Important to you...” My voice trails off.

“Sam, I was trying to show you that. That is why I was making love to you. I can fuck whomever. I can’t make love like that to just anybody.”

I gain the courage to look into his face. I can see all the emotions of the last week there- the anger, the sadness, the confusion, the stress, the weight of his entire hockey career feeling like it’s in limbo. He looks young and unsure in the bathroom with me. Like he’s incapable of carrying all of this alone. I drop my gaze again because I don’t know what to say. My hair drops across my face and Kevin’s hand comes up, tucking it behind my ear again.

“Don’t hide from me.” He whispers to me. “I need you. Now more than ever.”

“I’m worried… and I’m sad.” I admit.

“Me too.”

“You’re so good at that.” I shake my head at him. “Making me feel like I’m not alone.”

“You’re not. I’m right here.”

We are silent for a moment. I begin to think about the outfit and the need for a physical connection. Those things were driven by a deep insecurity I’ve felt inside of me this whole week: Not pretty enough. Not close enough. Not what he needs. Not enough, period. My face crumples again and a new batch of tears falls from my lashes.

“I just want to be enough for you.” I cry quietly.

“Enough?” He repeats to me incredulously. His mouth is slightly agape and his brown eyes search my green eyes quickly. He brings my face close to his, resting our foreheads together. “This isn’t about you, baby. I'm so sorry I made you feel this way. You’re everything to me. I’ll do whatever I need to for you to know that.” He murmurs against my lips. “I’ll fuck you straight through our headboard if that will convince you.” His kisses are hasty and I finally feel like I’m getting the Kevin that I wanted. Too little too late- the mood is decidedly gone. I close my eyes and lean into his bare chest.

“Maybe you could just hold me.” I whisper. Now all I feel is a vulnerability hangover that only his arms can cure.

“Of course. But can we go to the bed? My butt is asleep.” I nod and he helps me stand up. “Do you want clothes?” He asks me as I crawl onto the bed. I nod my head yes and he brings me a t-shirt, panties and a pair of pajama pants. I slide them on and then get under the covers. Kevin reaches for me and brings me across the bed to him. We meet in the middle; our legs and arms tangle together until there isn’t an end to either of us. The room is quiet but the silence feels comfortable.

“Do you still want to marry me?” I murmur anxiously to Kevin after a few moments. He lets out a chuckle.

“Yes. Even more than before.”

“It was the lingerie, right?”

“No, it’s the girl in it.” He slowly opens his eyes as I cup his strong jaw in my hand. “It’s going to be okay.” He assures me after studying my green eyes. I know he’s speaking of his contract situation and future on the Wild. “Just hold onto me. Don’t let go.”

“I won’t.” I assure him, gulping down the lump forming in my throat. Kevin’s lips press gently to mine and I kiss him back eagerly. “I’m yours. Forever and anywhere.”

“I know.” Kevin answers me with confidence.

And I mean it, but I drift to sleep that night hoping anywhere can still be here. _ _ _

Winter in Minnesota is anything but kind. However, I think the current temperature at Target Field is a new level of rude. It’s currently hovering at 0 degrees but with the windchill, it’s well into the negatives. I’m careful as I pull my skate laces tighter. The outsides of my pinky fingers tingle in protest but I persist. This is the Winter Classic after all. The team is finishing practice and several family members have already joined the skate. Kevin already ran by me to the locker room so he could shed a few pieces of his gear and add another heating layer now that he worked up a sweat in the chilly weather.

I finish the last of my skates, looping my laces and securing them in a bow. I reach for my choppers and put them back on to protect my skin. Then, I stand on my skates and look out across the Winter Classic ice. Wow. The league left no detail out. Everything about it screams State of Hockey. This Minnesotan is beside herself with excitement for it all.

“Pretty cool, huh?” Kevin says to me from my left. I snap my head to him and I can’t help the huge grin that goes onto my face. He’s wearing his team issued green, Winter Classic jacket, hockey gloves and the rest of his padding from the waist down.

“I have goosebumps. And It has nothing to do with the cold. This is really cool!”

“Then let’s go!” He encourages me towards the door to the bench. When my blades hit the ice, an excited squeal comes out of my lips.

“Ohmygod.” I breathe out and suck in the frigid air into my nose. It hurts and my eyes water from the wind, snow, and the emotions of how cool this is. This will be a game our state will never forget, a bright spot in an otherwise difficult time. I turn and skate backwards to look at Kevin. “I’m so glad I fell in love with you.” He lets out a hearty chuckle and reaches for me. I close my eyes and savor the brief moment we are connected.

“Sam! Here!” Kelly Talbot throws me a white beanie with a poof ball on it. On the front in forest green, glittery patches is the number 22.

“Oh fer cute!” I giggle, taking off the Wild Hockey hat I had on and replacing it. “Now everyone knows who I belong to.” I stick my tongue out at my fiancé.

“Yeah… it’s the hat. Not the fact that he follows you around like a puppy.” She teases me. I laugh and look at Kevin who scrunches his nose in annoyance.

“How about the engagement ring I gave you? I thought it was big enough to send the message.”

“Well you can’t see it through my gloves.” I hold up my covered hands at him.

“Bummer. We need to sacrifice your fingers so everyone knows.” His lips find mine and I laugh into his mouth.

“No thank you.” Our cold noses touch and I shiver a bit in response. “Okay, it is definitely cold AF. This is going to suck for you tomorrow. Hopefully you’ll be amped up enough you won’t notice.”

“It’s bad on the ice, but the bench has good heat.” He assures me. “I’m definitely wearing the head wrap. My ears would be falling off.” We skate around a few times as we chat, envisioning what the game will be like tomorrow. Kevin has never played in front of almost 40,000 fans, so he’s curious to how loud it will be. After a few more minutes, his gaze lifts to the bench and he nods his head in acknowledgement at someone.

“I have to do a video for the league’s Instagram account. I’ll be back in a few minutes.” He kisses my cold cheek. “You look good even when you’re freezing.” He tells me, eyes dancing with love.

“Oh god. Stop.” I roll my eyes at him and shove him towards the bench. “Go do your thing, superstar.”

I watch as he skates over to the bench and grabs a phone from a man who is bundled up to the point that only his eyes are exposed. Definitely not from the northern part of the country. Kevin grabs the phone from him and goes to center ice where Kaapo Kahkonen is. I watch from my position by the penalty box and grin at how funny it is to see him like this. His voice changes and his enunciating of his English gets crystal clear as he puts forth the extra effort of his non-native language. He glances at me and I tuck my chin into the collar of my jacket to hide my laugh.

“Thank you, Kaapo. Let’s go talk to a Minnesotan next. Get the family involved.” Kevin’s eyes set on mine and he gives me an encouraging nod.

“Oh boy..” I trail off with a nervous laugh as Kevin comes over to me with the phone.

“This is my fiancé, Sam. Wave to the people, babe.” I do so and skate in closer to him so we are both in the frame. “You grew up in Minnesota. Is this what the state of hockey is all about?”

“Definitely.” I nod my head at him. “The league did a great job. I don’t think they missed anything. They even have an ice fishing hole out there.” I point beyond the ice. “Plus the weather is doing its part by showcasing a true Minnesota winter.”

“You’re used to winter here. Does this feel cold to you?” He asks, gesturing to the weather including the falling snow.

“Um, yes.” I laugh honestly.

“What tips do you have for me to stay warm tomorrow?”

“Score some goals.” We both laugh at that.

“Okay.” He gives the camera raised eyebrows and wide eyes. “Sam says goals will keep us warm, boys.” He says to Matt Dumba and Ryan Hartman.

“Solid advice.” Ryan nods his head at me. I give him a thumbs up.

“Alright, that’s it for me from the Winter Classic ice. We’ll see you tomorrow.” Kevin clicks off and hands the phone back to the social media staff member for the NHL.

“Riveting content.” I say to him when he skates back to me.

“What the people came for, for sure.”

The next night, the people did not get what they came for.

After an even first period, the Blues absolutely slaughtered the Wild from the moment the puck dropped in the second period. All the excitement and fun was quickly sucked out of Target Field and all that remained was the bitter, unforgiving temperatures. Luckily, we were under the heaters in premium seating, but the warmth did little to ease the discomfort of the night. Kevin did end up scoring one goal. The last seconds of the game are waning and I realize my eyelashes have frozen together from the cold. I stick my nose into my jacket for a few moments to try to regain some blood flow to my face.

When the final horn sounds, I clap my hands and release a heavy sigh. After two years of excitement, and many more than that hoping for this game, it was certainly not the ending any of us wanted.

My eyelashes have completely thawed by the time I see Kevin. My heart squeezes at his obvious displeasure. He’s quiet and still looks like he’s frozen solid. He greets me wordlessly with a kiss.

“Your goal, babe…” I say when we are in his car minutes later. “The patience… Incredible.” He shrugs as he turns out of the parking lot. “I know a win would have been nice, but it’s still a cool experience.” I pause and look at his face. He won’t look at me. “Emphasis on the cool.” I reach out and give his thigh a squeeze.

“It was something.” Okay, so talking about the actual hockey part of the game is a no-go right now.

“Do you still have all your toes and fingers?”

“Yes?” He questions me with a head shake.

“Well there you go! You did win! And I got to drink cider slushies all night. Success.” I give a resolved nod of my head and look back at the snow covered road. Because Target Field is only a few blocks from our place, we pull into our parking garage quickly. Kevin shuts the car off and releases a sigh.

“Damn, I’m still freezing.” He says as he turns to look at me. His shoulders shake from a chill.

“Good thing I know a way to warm you up.” I say to him, unbuckling my seatbelt and reaching for him. An immediate, knowing smile stretches his lips.

“How?”

“Fucking.” I whisper against his lips. He laughs into our smooch and I know he’s turning the corner into a cheerier Kevin. “Your goal.” I try again. “Tell me that one didn’t feel nice.”

“Of course it did. But you’re going to feel better.”

“Fine. Avoid it for now, but we are talking about this later.” I insist to him.

“Okay.” He rolls his eyes. “Get moving.” He jerks his head towards the elevator. I step from the car and begin to walk. I hear Kevin’s door shut, but his footsteps don’t follow. I throw a glance over my shoulder and see him standing by the car staring at me.

“What?” I ask him.

“Just watching my whole world.”

“Walk away from you?” I laugh at him. He begins to walk towards me.

“I see it as you walking towards exactly where I want you.” He comes beside me and wraps an arm around me. He dips his hand into the back pocket of my jeans and we walk together to the elevator.

“Your dick?” I joke as he presses the up button.

“I was thinking on my face, in our bed, but we can go with that too.”

“Oh-kay.” I groan out to him. I reach for the up button and begin to push it incessantly. “Come on!” I yell in fake desperation.

Kevin and I dissolve into laughter and just like that, the world feels a little more okay.

#letters in your last name au #my writing #hockey fan fiction #hockey writing #NHL writing

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