#i just feel like characters get stuffed in the same box just bc its The Most Desirable Box

[cyancherub]

If u don't wanna post this I completely understand but I just wanted to share my 2cents since you recently mentioned how you wanted to be a hater but hesitated - I think it kinda sucks how pacified the internet is now. Any controversial opinion or thought that could potentially hurt literally anyone has to be filtered down .. idk it's very like .. everyone has to feel good and no one can feel insulted about things otherwise you're Bad. Now ofc this doesn't apply to things like being racist etc etc because yes that IS bad. But something simple like. "It doesn't really feel like there's a lot of effort into the characterization of this very complex character". Idk. I just wish we could say things without someone going out of their way to be hurt or offended. </3 SORRY IDK IF I MAKE SENSE AND I'M RANTING. LOVE U CASSIE!

no anon i agree with you!! well. first of all, as a disclaimer, i should say that there is absolutely a delineation between problematic stances on real issues vs. opinions on (mostly) inconsequential things on the internet. and here we’re discussing the latter. but yeah sometimes i want to say things on my blog that are …not even really that controversial (mostly things regarding the fic community etc.) but then i second guess myself and i’m like.. someone will probably roast me alive for this lukewarm take LMAOOO. i was actually prepared to get anon hate for what i said about people writing for notes (but i didn’t…YET.. which is nice AHJDHJS!!)

but yeah! i try to be as sensitive as possible on here because i don’t ever like to hurt people or make them feel alienated. but sometimes i do feel like it’s hard to express myself because i’m a bit afraid that ppl might twist what i am saying if that makes sense? but yeah, in regards to the thing about writing for notes.. i don’t like to pick on people for things that aren’t done maliciously but i feel like it does have a negative impact because 1) it feels almost like a disservice to the character and 2) it saturates the tags and buries fic written by people who put a lot of effort into characterization. because ppl who write for notes know what kinks to write and when to write them and they’ll almost always do numbers bc that’s what they’re meant to do.

[princesscatstronaut]

at the office but need something to hug

at the office. its nice to have a clean desk. although someone took/disposed of the amazon box I was using as a laptop riser which is a bummer. I still have a nice big second monitor though, so its ok. I had tea (raspberry hibiscus) and lunch (easy mac) and I guess I need to get to work now, so I'll have something to show for lab meeting in 2 hours. I started the day with resetting all of my autopay stuff since my old account got hacked. I hope I got everything. all of the alerts about things trying to pull from the old account are getting old. I think I got them all.

I wish I had a stuffed animal to hug. I think in my next trip to the office I'll bring one. maybe the sea bunny. or the llama. either way it would be nice to have something when I'm coding bc sometimes its scary and I need to soothe child-me from the fear of being completely wrong.

I really just don't want to do anything. I had to email old-boss to tell him that the draft won't be ready, and had to email the dept admin too, since she asked. and those are not fun emails to write. old-boss doesn't seem to care, which is fine. but I feel like garbage bc I feel like everyone is saying "why aren't you done yet?" but like, you try working on something that gives you panic attacks while also working 40 hrs a week in a slightly different field where you have to learn new things all the time. like its not easy. I'm not having fun. well on the weekends I do, bc that's when I get to play video games and not feel bad about it. I still play during the week (bc stardew valley) but I feel much more shitty about myself then.

I got a lot of positive feedback about my work over the thanksgiving break and it was so nice. I wasn't even trying that hard. there's so much I could do with my time and instead I listen to Ethersea again and play stardew valley. at least I haven't started a new stardew valley game, that tends to be the indication that I'm not ok. this was just continuing the one I have going.

in Ethersea, Devo/Travis' voice breaks my heart. his character is someone who was raised by people who constantly manipulated him and so he is constantly attacking others and rarely trusts and I'm just here like.. yeah, same. and from his other characters, you can kind of tell that Devo is a different thing. also: it shows you can be terrifying with a french accent lol.

I've been listening to The Adventure Zone bc its a family playing a game where anything is possible. you literally fight dragons. I don't think my parents would ever do that. the fact that their dad plays and tries really hard to be the character he's playing and I love that. I wish my parents cared that much about something I wanted to do.

Today is the observation of St. Nicholas Day (in my family we call it Belsnickel Day, which is just the old german way to say it), which is a holiday lots of european countries celebrate, where on Dec 5th you put your shoes out and the next morning (today) you get a little treat if you are good, or a bundle of sticks if you're not (from krampus). my godmother has always gotten me Belsnickel day presents, even though I'm 42 now. she's so kind to me.

ever since I emailed mom about not wanting to come home for xmas (bc the aunt's house we do it at, I don't feel comfortable around them), I haven't heard anything at all from her. which is weird. in my email I had offered to host them on xmas day (family xmas is always on xmas eve), but since I haven't heard anything, I likely won't be prepared for that. and I think mom might be mad at me. not that we talk all the time, but it does seem like she would've responded by now. another possibility is that gramma isn't doing well (she's 100 so needless to say, her health is precarious and mom is her primary caretaker outside of the nursing home).

but yeah. I feel weird. I feel empty. I feel like garbage that I couldn't get my thesis edits done before this deadline. honestly it took so much to get myself to complete the analysis (which is mostly done, just a little more to do), that it took days to recover after each time I was able to engage with it. and, as my therapist keeps reminding me, I am working full-time now. but I guess I still expected I could do it faster than this. I will get it done. hopefully over the winter break I'll have more time. there's a lot I want to do then. new-boss has this really great boundary that she told our clients not to expect much from us after mid-Dec. all my years in academia are screaming at that lol but I'm so thankful that she has that sort of view point. I will learn a lot about having boundaries professionally from her, I think.

[no-brand-gays]

okay here are my thoughts on and a very loose rating of the discographies of the major idol anime franchises (disclaimer that i haven’t listened to Every Single Song of any of these series and i’m 

-love live: i think...i’d be biased in saying ll has the best idol franchise discography...but i don’t think it’d be a stretch to say that they pour a LOT into their music production. i do think there’s a lot of ll stuf that sounds the same and none of the full groups have a sound that differentiates them from each other but ll’s also good at mixing up sounds and concepts, so there’s no character or unit that’s really locked into just one style. i feel like ll prioritizes catchiness and energy a lot of the time so there aren’t many songs that aren’t fun to listen to, which i definitely think is one of the most important things in idol music. there aren’t even that many bombs which you’d think would mean they play it safe but i don’t think you can talk down the variety in the discography. aki hata is also a lyric writing god and i do think it’s saying something that even 10 years into the run as a series we’re still getting songs that sound new. you can tell when they’re being lazy but that’s a pretty uncommon situation and you’d be damned to find a ll song that isn’t at least fun to listen to. favs: mermaid festa vol 2, blueberry train, angelic angel, snow halation, ps no mukougawa, shoujo ijou, doki pipo emotion

-idolm@ster: before you come at me i want you to know that i have felt this way about idolm@ster’s discography for the last 7 years and my opinion Has gotten better over time but wow. so many idolm@ster songs are so boring. i think one thing you can really say abt love live is they’ve mastered the art of making OPs and EDs and group singles that all kinda sound the same but are still fun to listen to. i think what makes im@s discography good is that they’re not afraid to really jump into weird concepts for their more out-there characters. like what other franchise is delivering to us ai like hamburger. nobody. so those more unique songs are almost always hits but a lot of the generic idol pop songs feel pretty watered down and hard to get into. they do get that right pretty often too but bc their discography has gotten so huge over the years there’s a lot of filler. favs: kyun! vampire girl, do dai, s(mile)ing, romantic now (uzuki mix)

-aikatsu: honestly? i would place aikatsu’s discography at LEAST at 2nd place. they’ve gone through a lot of changes in producers in the last few reboots but there are sooooo many consistent hits and i feel like it gets written off for being a kids series when the music is honestly so top tier. aikatsu doesn’t do big group songs all that often and each season only comes w a few one-size-fits-all generic songs so most of the discography is tailored to one or two characters in particular which makes for some amazing variety. the fact that it’s for kids even means the songs are more catchy and energetic so even the ones that are kinda dumb stick in your head. i don’t know how much i can speak for these past few seasons but you can really feel the passion that went into most of the songs. the general sounds of aikatsu are clean and bright pop and emotional pop rock and theatrical ballads and genuinely i have no clue why the music alone hasn’t made it mega popular. there are definitely duds though, especially when it comes to songs that weren’t made to be performed. favs: diamond happy, koisuru mitai na caramelize, summer tears diary, hello new world, heart skip, dramatic girl 

-pretty rhythm: kinda similar to im@s in that a lot of their music is kinda boring in its early 2000s idol sound but i’d honestly argue that pririzu does that sound better. like it all sounds very nostalgic and classic and gets this quality of timelessness from that. this is probably the franchise i’ve listened to the least though so i’m not the best authority on this. favs: you may dream, cherry picking days

-pripara: pripara is definitely an acquired taste and the franchise i’d be least likely to listen to with my friends in the room but the one thing you can’t deny is that the production is so crazy tight. pripara definitely gets most of its fame for how off the walls crazy it is and since that’s such a part of its identity i can’t fault it for how many songs are similarly whole hog wild but even though i never want to hear the omurice song again in my life pripara has continuously delivered hit after hit. their generic idol songs (like make it and dream parade) are some of the best in the genre and whatever subgenre they’re pursuing they never fail to bring the energy. i do think a lot of their out of the box songs (like the ones that are made for visual-based performances that aren’t really meant to be cohesive songs) are flops but the entire first season is made of 10/10s which is so crazy. the crazy concept songs usually hit too. favs: marble makeup a ha ha, zero week old, suki suki sensor, realize

-bandori: hot take but bandori has some stinkers. i don’t know why the first few months of bandori songs had so many flops (tokimeki experience...yes bang dream...that’s how i roll...) but i do think they’ve stepped up their game since then!! i think...as time has gone by bandori has become a franchise people really care abt and with it the content has gotten better too. like holy shit. NOW you can see how much the producers are putting their hearts into the music but it definitely took a little while (not that there weren’t good songs at the start too, shuwarin dreamin is one of my absolute favorites). i think it’s really impressive how much they’re found their footing w each band’s sound, they all really feel believable as artists, and it’s blown up so clearly they’re hitting it out of the park these days. favs: hidamari rhodonite, kimi ga inakucha, shuwarin dreamin

-bonus shoutout to zombieland saga bc the production is so all over the place. when they wanna write a good song holy shit do they write a good song but sometimes you get To My Dearest. which im still sort of baffled by. could the writers not figure out how to rewrite those 20-syllable lines to sound even half singable or 

[myelocin]

Linette | Akaashi Keiji

Synopsis: Decisions are a funny thing, but you suppose certain ones can’t be bad because they eventually accumulate to Akaashi Keiji.

Genre/Warnings: None! Fluff (for once lmao)

Characters: You, Akaashi Keiji

wc: 1k+

a/n: This is for you, Linette, aka dei & i’s adopted child <3

buckle up y’all bc after this I will be working on angst :)

-

At one point in time Akaashi Keiji was only the smart kid who sat in front of you in your second year class. He had always been a stranger, but he was that familiar fixture in your life. A part of the background, if you will—but you were more than sure you held the same role in his.

And later down the years you find it a bit overwhelming thinking about how the little decisions you make accumulate into something that becomes a part of you.  It isn’t necessarily terrifying, or at least you first thought that, but it is fearful in its own right.

Spring mornings have become your favorite as you grew older. Spring mornings are reserved for waking up in chilly mornings with a shy sun filtering light into the bedroom and one of Akaashi’s poem written neatly on a pastel sticky note left on your bedside for you to read.

“Why do you never wake me up if you have to leave for work early?” you ask.

“I don’t like disturbing your sleep.” He replies, and every time he speaks in a soft way that only is for you to hear.

“I’d like to start my day with you, though.” You counter before he smiles and threads his fingers through yours and replies, “I’ll keep that in mind.”

So it doesn’t surprise you much when you wake up the next day, Akaashi having left much earlier because of a deadline he needed to finish at work, and a pastel sticky note posted a little crookedly on the side of the alarm clock to your left.

And as you have breakfast on the mornings without him, you think back to those little decisions you made. Opting to wear a white shirt on an event in school lead to Akaashi spilling his donut’s chocolate sauce all over you when Bokuto clapped him on the back unannounced. Perhaps you have to thank Bokuto for that because his enthusiasm was the starting point for the story you and Akaashi are writing.

Another one was saying yes to his offer of letting you use his jacket to cover the stain, and later, another yes to getting his contact details he could make it up to you. ‘It’s not a big deal.’ You vaguely remember saying to your friend who was getting different ideas between you and Akaashi’s interaction.

You snort at the thought because due to that interaction, five years later you decide to choke out a resolute “yes” when Akaashi knelt down on one knee and cried with you as he asked for your hand in marriage. And it was on that spring night, at a rooftop in Kyoto where you looked at him and found all the missing pieces of you that seemed to finally snap into place because of his presence.

Then the morning after that night, you will never forget how Akaashi looked at you and muttered his love for you in the form of a poem, and every time you close your eyes you feel as if you’re in Kyoto again—listening to a soft confession of all the things he feels for and because of you.

You realize it’s like that with Akaashi, he carries himself in a way where you often have to read in between the lines most of the time. You fish out confessions in between his dialogues, and discover meanings from the ghosts of his touches—but you suppose Akaashi Keiji will always be worth every single metaphor you analyze.

-

So when he walks in the door, announces that his boss sent him home early to rest, you walk up to him and idly think about what little decision you’ll be making this time to accumulate for the future’s unfolding.

And then three things happen that lead to your revelation.

First, you decide to take his coat, give him a kiss, tell him you love the poem he left for you and ask if he wants coffee.

Second, you watch as he places a box of pastries on the table and tell you that there’s a new bakery like the one near Fukurodani from years ago that opened up down the block. You pour coffee into a mug in the kitchen and turn to ask him what the name was.

“Linette.” He says, and you nod your head at the foreign choice. “What does it mean?” You ask, and he wracks his brain for a moment before answering, “I think it means ‘pretty one’ or something.”

You say a commentary about how fitting the name is for the bakery’s aesthetic before he opens the box and offers you your favorite pastry. You don’t remember telling him, so you ask, “How’d you decide what to get?” to which he shrugs to and mumbles, “I don’t know, just seemed like the obvious choice for me.”

You part your lips to grin and tell him to chew properly before speaking because he sounded a little muffled with the pastry stuffed in his mouth, but you pause because the third revelation took you by surprise.

Processing his answer, you then awaken to the thought that a majority of those little decisions from the past weren’t decisions at all. Akaashi Keiji was a force you gravitated towards—he pulled you into worlds that were founded in gunmetal blue and spring poems. And in an instant, you realize the sole decision you made was that morning in your bedroom when you decided to wear a white blouse six years ago. Everything else that transpired only happened because everything else was the obvious choice.

Akaashi watches you sitting across from him, holding your pastry and expression looking far away. He smiles to take a sip of his coffee and relaxes.

Looking at the box in front of him, he traces the outlines of linette with his eyes, then his thoughts begin to drift.

He often had to leave work early, but in the rare moments he spends times like this with you, he can’t help but thank Bokuto for pulling him into that quaint bakery across the school that one morning.

Spring mornings are his favorite, he muses, as his eyes finally trace up and focuses on you—the cogs in his head whirring at the poem he instantly sees when you wake up from your trance and meet his eyes, smiling.

[slytherinbarnes]

Sub Rosa [8]

viii. day trip

Pairing: Bellamy Blake x reader

Word Count: 4.5k

Warnings: Language, character death, violence, fighting, blood, injuries. Allusion to past assault.

Summary: You and Bellamy go on a little day trip, even though you’d rather be with anyone other than him. 

a/n: oh hey, I like this chapter! also, pls no one worry bc I WILL NEVER KILL BELLAMY BLAKE FOR THIS SERIES! happy endsings only (but don’t let that fool you, bc we got angst angst ansgt on the way!) also join the taglist here!

previous chapter // season masterlist // series masterlist

You stand back and admire your handiwork of the repairs to the wall, satisfied with its hold. Wiping the sweat from your brow, you move over to the water containers and grab something to drink. Clarke finds you leaned up against a tree, drinking water, and she walks over with a small smile. “I’m heading to the tent to talk to the council, if you want to join.”

You shake your head, “I’m not sure I can look at Jaha’s face without screaming. I’ll probably just check on Octavia, if that's okay.”

She nods, “Of course. I think she’s still in the dropship, waiting to visit the Grounder.”

You stand and nod towards the tent, “Let me know how it all goes.”

“I will.” She offers you one last smile before ducking into the tent to face the council. 

You glance around the busy camp, watching the teenagers as they move around, repairing the wall and preparing for winter. Sure that they can handle it, you turn and head to the dropship, unsurprised to find Octavia plopped down near the ladder, waiting to see the Grounder. You smile as you approach, “Visiting hours over?”

She lets out a huff of frustration as you settle down beside her. “Yes. Bellamy won’t let anyone up except for Miller.”

“I wonder if I could-”

Bellamy’s voice cuts you off, “You’re still here?”

He descends the ladder, feet hitting the floor, and you notice his eyes shift over to you before landing on Octavia again. Her eyes slide away from him and land on the wall, annoyed. “I’m not moving until you let me up there to see him.”

“Get comfortable,” he quips back. 

Noting the tension, you stand and silently move away from the siblings and over to the dropship door, eyes scanning the camp. You spot your twin immediately, headed your way, looking troubled. She comes to a stop at the door, and you tune out the bickering siblings behind you as you ask, “How was the meeting with the council?”

Clarke rolls her eyes, “Jaha tried to lecture me about forgiveness.”

“Good thing I missed it then.”

“No kidding. But,” she holds up a map and a set of coordinates. “There is potential good news.”

She hands you the paper and you look over it as she continues, “It’s supposed to be an old emergency aid depot, built to withstand nuclear war. It could shelter us from the cold.”

You start to hand her back the map, “You going to check it out?”

“No,” she pushes the map back your way. “You’re going to check it out.”

Your brows lift in surprise, “Me?”

“You’ve been out there more, and you know the terrain better. Plus, I have to keep an eye on Finn, he’s not out of danger yet.”

“Okay, I’ll pack a bag then.” 

You start to walk away, but she grabs your arm, stopping you. “Wait. There is one more thing.”

She looks over your shoulder, eyes locking with someone, before she nods them over. As you hear footsteps approach, she sighs, “I want you to take Bellamy with you.”

You pull a face and step back, as he stops beside you. You glance up at him and back at your twin. “No way. No.”

“What’s going on?”

You ignore him and glare at Clarke as she insists, “You’re the only two I trust with this, and I know that you’ll keep each other safe.” She squeezes your arm lightly and adds, “You know I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t important.”

You glare at her for a moment before letting out a sigh. “Fine.” You redirect your glare to Bellamy, “Be ready in ten, I’ll meet you by the gate.”

“Ready for what?”

“Clarke will explain.” And with that, you walk off, grabbing a pack and your knife on the way. You stop at the food station and grab a few rations before making a beeline for the gate. As soon as you arrive, you spot Bellamy already waiting, stuffing a bunch of rations deeper into his pack. You give him a sidelong glance and brush past, “Let’s go.”

-

Unlike your previous outings with Bellamy, this one is largely spent in angry silence as you navigate through the woods and pointedly ignore Bellamy. As you climb down a grassy hill, you pull out a pack of nuts and eat them quickly, noticing that Bellamy is trailing behind you, doing the same. As you reach the bottom of the hill, it starts to slope upwards again and you check the map before continuing. When you reach the top, you pause, and Bellamy stops beside you. 

In the distance, there’s a large house, destroyed by the nuclear apocalypse. You start to feel uneasy as you take in the burned out house, situated behind a dark lake. You glance at Bellamy, “The depot is supposed to be around here somewhere.”

You watch him scan the area again, “Let's just split up, cover more ground. Stay within shouting distance.”

You walk off down the hill, towards the lake, while Bellamy moves parallel to the house, both of you in search of a door. Only a few minutes pass before your foot lands on something with a metallic thunk. Confused, you step back and brush the leaves and debris away, revealing a door. You smile to yourself and call out, “Bellamy! Over here, I found a door!”

A second later he approaches you, stopping beside you at the door. You lean down and pull on the handles with all of your strength, but it doesn’t budge. You look up at him, “I think it's rusted shut.”

“Here. Watch your foot.” He pulls out his axe and uses it to break the lock, before muttering, “Give me a hand.”

You both pull on the door, and this time it swings open with a creak. You peer into the ominous darkness and pull out two lights, turning to hand one to Bellamy. With a deep breath of courage, you descend the stairs, Bellamy close behind. You follow the stairs deeper into the depot, deeper into the darkness, pausing when you see a skeleton sitting on the stairs. Bellamy stops behind you, so close that you can feel his breath shift the hairs on your neck. You shiver and squeeze past the body as he mutters, “Hell of a place to die.”

As you reach the bottom of the stairs, and shine the light around, disappointment flows through your body. Cobwebs hang over everything, accompanied by a thick layer of dust. A damp chill hangs in the air, and you both have to step around fallen and scavenged supplies. “This place is disgusting.”

Bellamy hums in agreement. “Anything left down here is ruined.”

Water rains down from the ceiling in front of you, and you cringe and skirt around it, looking at the picked over shelves. You lift the lid of a box in front of you and smile at the contents inside, “Hey, I found blankets.”

“Excited about a couple of blankets?”

You toss a glare at him over your shoulder, “It’s something.”

He storms past you, dropping glow sticks that he found as his voice rises in anger, “How about a canteen or a med kit or a decent fricking tent?” 

He lets out a yell of frustration and kicks an oil drum over, the black liquid spilling towards you. You turn in surprise, your shock only growing as you hear something clatter to the ground. Your eyes lock on the pile of guns now spilled out over the floor, and you and Bellamy lock eyes, mouths spreading into a grin. 

He grabs a couple and pushes past you, back to the blankets, pulling one from the container. He shifts everything over to one arm and grabs you as he walks by, dragging you with him. You yank your arm free and freeze in place, watching as he uses some dirt to spread a target on the blanket before hanging it up. “This changes everything. No more running from spears.”

You lift a gun from beside you, eyeing it carefully. He grins as he stops beside you, watching as you load the gun. “Ready to be a badass?” You roll your eyes and he steps towards you, “We're lucky the rifles were packed in grease. The fact that they survived means we're not sitting ducks anymore. You need to learn how to do this.”

You let out a sigh, “Fine.” He moves out of the way, allowing you to step up to the target, lifting the gun with hesitation. You glance down at the gun, and then over your shoulder to look at him. “So I just hold it on my shoulder?”

“Yeah.” He steps closer to you, folding his left hand over yours where it sits on the grip, and placing his right hand on your right shoulder. He guides the gun up, “Just a little higher now.” 

You lean down and peer through the scope, trying to ignore the way his breath shifts your hair and his hand slowly slides from your shoulder and down your back. Another chill runs down your spine and Bellamy doesn’t miss it. And then he’s stepping back and shaking his head as if he’s clearing his thoughts, “Yeah. Uh, that's good. Watch and learn.”

He steps away and grabs a gun of his own, before moving up beside you and pulling the trigger. You hear a click echo in the small space, but stand there confused as nothing else happens. Bellamy reloads the gun and pulls the trigger a second time, but the gun offers nothing more than another click. You let out a snort and he turns to glare at you as you openly smile at his expense. “Still watching.”

He glares at you harder, “My bullets are duds. Try yours.”

You lift the gun and settle it to the place on your shoulder, where Bellamy instructed, before looking through the scope and pulling the trigger. The sound of the gunshot rings through the room, and you stand tall and admire the new hole in the blanket. You let out a laugh in amazement and turn to him, finding that his face is already split in a smile. 

You let the smile drop when you remember your anger, but you don’t turn away from him. “I guess we’re going to have to talk to Clarke and decide where we’re going to keep these and who has access.”

He ignores you and raises his gun, pulling the trigger, and stepping back as the sound echoes in the room. You spot the hole he leaves in the target, near the middle. As you’re about to comment on it, he turns to you suddenly. “You should keep Miller close. The others listen to him.”

Your brows draw together in confusion. “I should keep him close? Bellamy, what's going on?” 

You stare him down and he shifts beneath your gaze, uncomfortable. A lightbulb goes off in your head when you remember the rations from earlier, “All the rations you took. You're gonna run! You were gonna load up on supplies and just disappear.”

“I don't have a choice. The Ark will be here soon.”

You step closer to him, “So you're just gonna leave Octavia?”

Bellamy shakes his head, “Octavia hates me.” He pauses and his voice drops to a whisper, “You hate me.”

He shakes his head again and takes in a breath, “She’s gonna be fine.”

“You don't know-”

He cuts you off, “I shot the chancellor. They're gonna kill me. Best-case scenario, they lock me up with the Grounder for the rest of my life, and there's no way in hell I'm giving Jaha the satisfaction.” He slams the gun down and throws his hands up in frustration, “Keep practicing. I need some air.”

He brushes past you, leaving you alone in the depot. You stand there for a minute, looking around, before lifting the gun back up and aiming at the target. As you do, you watch as the target melts away, taking the bullet holes with it, leaving the blanket untouched. You lower the gun in confusion and back away, jumping in surprise as you feel the gun bend in your touch. You throw it to the ground and step back from it, turning to look around in confusion as the space around you transforms into your cell in the Skybox.

You feel panic rise in your chest as the prison stares back at you, mocking you. You back away in horror, jumping in surprise when your back collides with someone. You spin around, and come face to face with your father.

You feel your lip quiver with emotion as you whisper, “Dad?”

He smiles and you jump towards him, sighing in relief as his arms wrap around you tightly. You bury your head into the crook of his neck, breathing in his familiar scent of Ark soap and grease. As you pull him tighter, the memory of his death flashes across your mind, and you feel your stomach drop. You pull back slowly and watch him closely, “You're not real, are you?”

“Sorry, kiddo. I wish I were.”

You shake your head, trying to clear your thoughts, before looking around at your cell. “Wait. How is this possible?”

“I'm thinking why is more important than how. Why me?”

Tears well up in your eyes, “Because I miss you. And I never got to say goodbye.”

He shakes his head and reaches up to brush your necklace, “Think there's more to it than that.”

You hear his voice in your head, disconnected from a memory. My girls. My sun, my moon, my stars.

You feel your face harden at the thought of her. The thought of what she did. “You want me to forgive her.”

“Your mom loves you both. Everything she does, she does for you two.”

You turn away from him, and plop down onto your bed. “She betrayed you. How can I forgive her for that?” He pulls a face, and it’s one you recognize well. “The disappointed look isn't fair. I'm trying.”

He reaches out and pulls you to him, into a hug. “Come here. I know, honey. It's been tough, hasn't it?”

You feel emotion tighten your throat, “I watched as someone got tortured. Said awful things to Clarke. Caused the Culling on the Ark…”

Tears spill down your cheeks as you recount your sins, and your father leans down to kiss your head. “You're doing the best you can.”

“You want me to say mom did the best she could.”

His face softens, “This is about what you want.”

“You're dead because of her. She doesn't deserve my forgiveness. Our forgiveness.”

He shakes his head softly, and comes to stand in front of you, “Listen to me. Forgiveness isn't about what people deserve.”

Before you can respond, his eyes lift sharply, and you swear you hear muffled yelling nearby. He looks back at you, and lifts a hand to your face. “My little la lune. He needs you.”

Seconds later, something collides with the back of your head, sending you tumbling down a tunnel of black.

-

You pull your eyes open, groaning against the sharp pain radiating from the base of your skull. You rub your eyes and struggle to recall what happened, letting out a quiet gasp when you remember your dad’s final words. He needs you.

Bellamy. 

You stand, fighting against the pain in your body, and stumble towards the gun you tossed down earlier, grabbing it quickly. You run towards the stairs and out into the night, following the sounds of yelling nearby. As you get closer, you see Bellamy on the ground, looking up at Dax, who is pointing a gun down at him. You stumble up behind them and aim the gun at the middle of his back, before yelling, “Put it down, Dax.”

He spins, “Should've stayed down there. I tried not to kill you, but here you are, and Shumway said no witnesses.”

Your blood freezes at the name, and you lock eyes with Bellamy. You take a deep breath, willing the fear to leave your body as you look back at Dax. “I won’t tell you again, put it down.”

“Walk away now, and I won't kill you.” When you stay locked in place, he shrugs. “Your choice.”

You pull the trigger, but the gun clicks, and your blood goes cold at the sound. You dive to the left, behind a tree, seconds before you hear Dax’s gun go off. He misses, but you hear Bellamy yell in anger before colliding with Dax, the sound of them fighting reaching you behind the tree. You tug on the gun, trying to reload, before giving up and jumping up from behind the tree, and running at Dax with the gun raised to use as a bat. “Get the hell off him!”

Just as you reach him, Dax spins and hits you with the butt end of the rifle, right in the stomach, sending a flood of pain through you as it collides with your wound. You groan and hit the ground, but the distraction gives Bellamy enough time to find a discarded bullet and plunge it into Dax’s neck. You both watch as he bleeds out, struggling and gasping for air, before he hits the ground, dead. 

Bellamy stumbles towards you as you drag yourself to the tree, clutching your stomach. You plop down at its base as he lowers himself beside you, his hand on your thigh as you both pant from exertion. You grit your teeth against the pain and lean towards him, putting your hand on his arm. “You're okay.”

“No, I'm not.” He shakes his head, and you watch tears well up in his eyes. “My mother...If she knew what I've done, who I am...She raised me to be better, to be good.”

You try to cut him off, “Bellamy-”

“And all I do is hurt people.” He lets out a sniffle as the tears spill over his cheeks. “I'm a monster.”

“Hey.” You squeeze his arm and he turns to look at you, “You saved my life today. And ten other times. You may be a total ass half the time, but I need you.” His eyes widen slightly and you continue, “We all need you. You want forgiveness, fine, I'll give it to you. You're forgiven, okay? But you have to come back with me.” 

“Jaha will kill me when he comes down.”

You shake your head, “We'll figure something out.”

He lets out a deep breath, “Can we figure it out later?”

You nod and let your head drop to his shoulder, whispering, “Whenever you're ready.”

You both sit in silence for a few minutes before you whisper, “I saw my dad.” He shifts beneath you and you lift your head to look at him. “I mean, I know it wasn’t him, but this time I got to say goodbye.”

Unsure what to say, he chooses instead to say nothing, and you lean back against the tree, looking at the stars. Your eyes find Orion quickly, and you whisper, “See those three stars in a row up there?”

You see Bellamy nod out of the corner of your eye. “That’s Orion’s Belt.” You lift your hand and trace the rest of the constellation. “And that’s Orion the Hunter.”

You turn towards him slightly, a small smile on your face. “They say Artemis, the goddess of the moon and the hunt, fell in love with Orion. And Apollo, her twin, was worried she was going to give up her vow of chastity for him. So one day, when Orion was swimming far out into the ocean, Apollo called to his twin. He pointed to a rock near the horizon, and dared her that she couldn’t hit it. Of course, Artemis hit it easily. But imagine her horror when Orion’s body washes up on the beach, and she realized what she had done. She put him up in the stars after that.” You turn and look at him. “I wonder if she takes comfort in knowing that he’s always up there.”

You look away and back up at the stars, both of you sitting in silence. After checking your bandage and watching the moon rise higher, you mutter, “We should probably get back.”

“Yeah, we probably should.”

He stands and helps to pull you to your feet, before leading you back down into the depot, and gathering the guns and blankets. You both tie up a sack a piece of weapons, and head back to camp, walking through the woods in a comfortable silence, interrupted only to discuss what’s next.

As you near the camp, you hear the sounds of fighting from within. You and Bellamy walk faster, pushing through the gates just as someone asks, “What if he brings other Grounders back?”

Just then, Bellamy pushes through the crowd, before stopping in the middle. “Let the Grounders come. We've been afraid of them for far too long, and why? Because of their knives and spears. I don't know about you. I'm tired of being afraid.”

You both drop the sacks, revealing the guns to a camp of excited teenagers. You catch Clarke’s eye across camp, and sense her hesitation, but she offers you a smile anyways. Bellamy continues, “There are plenty more where these came from. Tomorrow we start training, and if the Grounders come, we're gonna be ready to fight.”

Excitement ripples through the camp, and you give Bellamy a nod before walking over to your twin. “I need you to set up a meeting with Jaha for me and Bellamy.”

Her brows lift in surprise, “Uh, yeah. Of course. Just give me a few minutes.”

You nod and look around in search of Bellamy, spotting him near the edge of camp, draping a blanket around Octavia. You watch with a smile, and when they seem finished, you call out to him. “Bellamy.”

He turns and looks at you, and you give a nod in confirmation. He heads over to you, following you to the tent. Clarke steps out and gives you a smile, squeezing your hand quickly as she passes.

You both step inside and settle down side by side, pulling on the headsets to chat with the waiting Jaha. When you’re both ready, his eyes go straight to Bellamy. “Mr. Blake, I've wanted to talk to you for some time now.”

You cut in, “Before you do, I'd like to say something. When you sent us down here, you sent us to die, but miraculously, most of us are still alive. In large part, that is because of him, because of Bellamy.” You both lock eyes, before you turn back to Jaha. “He's one of us, and he deserves to be pardoned of his crimes just like the rest of us.”

“I appreciate your point of view, but it's not that simple.”

“It is.” Bellamy offers, matter of fact. “If you want to know who on The Ark wants you dead.”

Jaha considers this for a moment, and each passing second feels like a minute. He leans forward, looking at you. “You're pardoned for your crimes.” He turns to Bellamy. “Bellamy Blake, you’re pardoned for your crimes.”

You both smile in relief, before Jaha continues. “Now, tell me who gave you the gun.”

-

When the video feed ends, and Jaha disappears from the screen, you and Bellamy exit the tent in silence, before pausing at the door, unsure what to do. Just as you are about to step away, he turns towards you. “Your cut.” You glance up at him. “We need to change the bandage.”

You nod and follow him to his tent, sitting in the same spot as before as he gathers supplies. When he makes his way back to you, you lift your shirt, exposing the bandage. You watch him quietly as he works, removing the bandage, cleaning off the fresh blood. Only breaking the silence to ask, “What if they don’t float him?”

He looks up at you, confused, and you add, “Shumway, I mean.”

“They will.” He goes back to your wound, nearly done cleaning it up.

You press, “Yeah, but what if they don’t?”

He looks up, sensing something in your tone, and meets your eyes. You take in a sharp breath, and look away. “There’s something about Shumway that I haven’t told you before. Something I haven’t told anyone.”

He picks up the bandage, wrapping it around your middle, afraid to interrupt you. You pick at your nail as you whisper, “I was arrested a few days before my dad was. But I didn’t know that until Shumway came in my cell one day to gloat. He told me that my dad had been arrested for treason and was going to get floated for it. He said he was getting floated in half an hour.”

You hear Bellamy’s sharp intake of breath and he leans away from you to meet your eyes. “Shumway wanted to know what I would do in order to see my dad one last time. What would I give him in order to say goodbye to my father. I didn’t hesitate, I told him ‘anything’. As soon as I said it, I knew I had made a deal with the devil.”

You pause, lip quivering. “I knew that I just gave him what he wanted all along. He cuffed me and led me through the Ark, taking me to see my dad.” Your voice breaks on the last word, and tears spill down your cheeks. “I didn’t make it in time. Right as I came around the corner, we locked eyes, and they pushed-”

You cut yourself off, crying harder, and Bellamy puts his hand over yours, offering comfort. You gather yourself and push on, “I was pissed. I knew that Shumway got me there late on purpose, because that’s the kind of man that he is. I raised hell, got shocked and dragged all the way back to my cell, before they decided to throw me in solitary, permanently, because I was just too much to manage.”

You shake your head, “Solitary made it that much easier for Shumway to get what he wanted. No one listens to the cries of a problem child. No one listened when I said he came into my cell, and abused me.” You look up and lock eyes with Bellamy, finding a fire of anger burning there. “That day you found us, I thought he was gonna-” You shake your head, “Right then and there in the hallway.”

Bellamy is quiet for a second, and you see a muscle in his jaw clench and his eyes grow hard. “If he’s alive when they make it to the ground...I’ll kill him myself.”

-

next chapter

[dontdowhatisayandnobodygetshurt]

TAG GAME!

I was tagged by @lotsoffandomimagines, @cactiem, @myriadimagines and @connerkennt!!! THANK U SO MUCH GUYS 💖💖💖💖💖💖

rules: answer ten 10 questions, ask 10, and tag 10 people

Ace’s questions:

What’s your favourite thing about yourself? Why? That my friends like me :D

Do you prefer tea, coffee, or hot chocolate? Tea all day every day bahbahy

Where do you live? If you could live anywhere else where would it be? I’m actually happy where I am in Oz. I’m just waiting to get a job + get money to re-do the little place attached to the house so I can live there. 

What are your top 5 celebrity crushes? I honestly... don’t think I have any celebrity crushes lmao

If you won a million dollars what would you do with it? Save it. Get more money. Make sure me, my friends and family are comfortable. Give the rest of it away to everybody who needs a bit of help. Randomly dump a thousand dollars into somebody’s Gofundme. Hire assassins to murder people I don’t like. The normal type of thing :D

What’s your favourite type of snack food? D... do carrots count?? If not chili+lime potato chips!! :D

If you could live in any fictional universe which one would it be? Probably Middle Earth or Marvel.

Do you have three book recommendations? P L E A S E READ THE MURDERBOT DIARIES Y”ALL I AM ACTUALLY BEGGING I NEED SOMEBODY I CAN TALK TO ABOUT IT. YOU WON’T REGRET IT. Murderbot is my all-time favourite character 11/10 PLEASE. READ IT. PLEASE. Also Six of Crows (and Crooked Kingdom, its sequel), and Bird by Crystal Chan. also MURDERBOT.

Put your playlist on shuffle and tell us the first five songs that play I Miss You by Adele, Do I Wanna Know by Arctic Monkeys, Electric Feel by MGMT

If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be and why? My brain. No more anxiety and depression and weird attention lapses. Get rid of that shit.

Em’s questions:

Do you have any pets? If so what do you have? If not would you like any? I do!! Two chickens, two ducks, and three dogs!! They are all my Babies and I Love Them More Than Life Itself even tho the ducks hate my guts lmao

What’s your go to song to listen to that makes you happy? Mr Blue Sky, but honestly like 99% of my music is ridiculously happy because I mostly cannot handle sad music

Have you travelled anywhere? If not where’d you like to go? I’ve been to America when I was like, 10, and my and my family have traveled through a bit of Australia. I’d really like to see all my friends around the globe :’)

If you could speak any languages, what three would you choose (on top of the ones you can speak now)? Spanish, Russian, and Ancient Greek lmao

If you could have a superpower what would you choose and why? Shape shifting. I would say so I can get my ideal body and yeah that’s part of it but the other part is I really wanna be able to turn into a pigeon and surprise @alex--blue :D

If you could only save three things what would you save (in this scenario your family/friends/pets are already out)? A teeny tiny box I got from my dad where I keep small special things, a few of my stuffed animals bc they’re the only things I have left from my childhood, and a box of letters because I know they’re important to my parents

What’s your favourite decade and why? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

What’s your favourite season and why? Autumn. Used to be winter, but it hurts my lungs too much. Autumn’s just. cozy, y’know??

Do you prefer going to the cinema or watching films at home? At home normally, BUT I see going to the cinema as more of a social thing so if I can go with somebody I like than cinema!!

What’s your favourite meal? Pizza :D

Sam’s questions:

What’s something you’re looking forward to? Uhhhhhhhhhhhh, getting my own place will be nice??

If you could have any animal in the world as a talking companion (like in His Dark Materials), what animal would you choose? Hen :D (PLEASE don’t remind me of how much I love HDM!!!!!)

What was the last movie you cried to? John Wick. You know exactly why.

What’s a song you’ve had on repeat lately? Blinding Lights by the Weeknds, I vibe SO HARD to this song it’s unreal XD <3

If you could bring one fictional character that’s been killed off back to life, who would it be? Manchee from The Knife of Never Letting Go. If you’ve read the book, you know what I mean. I’m still not recovered from that and I never will be. also I know there’s a ton but I can’t think of on the spot aAA

Can you play any instruments? If not, what instruments have you always wanted to play? ALL OF THEM

If you could give yourself another name, what name would you choose? HA

What’s a skill you wish you could instantly master Speaking a language fluently or learning a musical instrument!! I am Impatient!!!! :D

What would you rather explore, the deep sea or outer space? NEITHER THANK YOU V MUCH THEY’RE BOTH MY WORST NIGHTMARES

Despite 2020 being a shitshow so far, what’s one good thing that’s happened to you this year? I got to finish the end of the Murderbot Diaries and I am now content XD

Enna’s questions:

What is your biggest irrational fear and why? Falling backward from a high place. Not heights, but specifically falling backward. I climb trees a lot but I can never sit down on a branch because I feel too unsteady and it can paralyze me so I’m stuck in the tree till I can calm tf down lmao

Do you like to dance? Yes, don’t mean I’m good at it tho XD

Who is one person who can always make you laugh? (Friend, family, comedian, etc.) A few of my favourite YouTubers (like RTgame and Doug Doug ALWAYS GET ME X’D)

Who is your favorite disney sidekick and why? Mushu because... Mushu XD

What’s one thing that you do/like that people wouldn’t expect? UhhhHHh I have no idea what conception people have of me so I don’t really know

Favorite move genre? Comedy, I think

What was your favorite animal as a kid? Spider!! Same as now p much :D

Do you like to bake/cook? If so, what’s your favorite recipe? I do!! And listen. Listen. listen listen listen. I make a mean apple crumble.

Where do you go when you need to de-stress/relax? My room or the backyard to play with the babies :’)

Do you look up to anyone? If so, who and why? Nah, I’ve found that to be a recipe for disaster.

My questions:

What is the song you Vibe With the most?

If you could be any mythical/supernatural creature, what would you be?

What is your biggest pet peeve?

Do you have any tattoos? If so, what are they? If not, would you like to get some and what would you like to get?

What time do you usually go to sleep?

If you could summon any one item in the world to you what would it be?

What food do you you hate with your entire soul?

Are you more of a sentimental/nostalgic person or do you prefer to look forward instead?

Describe yourself in 3 words

Are you one of the superhuman people who can keep a consistent diary?

I tag @biscottibitch, @lielith, @tiannawashere, @philthepegacorn, @supervalcsi, @fairylightsandthings and anybody else who would like to do this!! :D

[crowned-ladybug]

Windowsill Hyacinths

And the other OC thing! Bc i promised

When is my writing not, but still, this one is just entirely self-indulgent. Writing’s fun!

OC blog is @menagerie-of-morons

Characters: Jackie, Marvin

Setting: main verse

Word count: 2.3k

Warnings: periods (the unpleasant biology kind, punctuation is kind of a given I think)

These are OCs, please keep that in mind and respect it.

Neither of them are morning people. Thank goodness, otherwise Marvin doesn’t know how he could tolerate this living arrangement. But usually Jackie is still up before he is, and even though it’s only been two weeks since they moved in together, Marvin is already pleasantly used to waking up to the shower running.

Except this time he woke on his own, which is lovely for a Saturday actually. But it’s also weird, because it’s a break in an unsaid routine, and broken routine makes him anxious.

He hesitates at the door of Jackie’s room before he knocks, hoping it’s quiet enough that it doesn’t wake him if he’s just sleeping in (and Jackie either sleeps like a bear during winter or lighter than store-brand tissue paper, there’s no in-between, so his chances are still better than none at least). There’s a moment or two of silence before he gets a response – a long groan, unclear whether distressed or just too lazy to talk.

“You okay, my dude?” Marvin smiles, hoping the answer will be along the lines of ‘I just woke up and it’s too early and how dare does the Sun exist’. Instead what he gets is the most noncommital and obviously fake ‘I’m fine’ he’s ever heard in his life. “Can I come in?”

To little surprise and much more relief, he’s granted permission.

He finds Jackie curled up in his bed, forming an amorphous pile with his sheets and pillows and plushies, his disastrous bedhead and barely-open eyes just about poking out from under. He mumbles a ‘hey’ when Marvin enters, though it comes out barely audible thanks to the duvet he doesn’t bother to pull away from in front of his face.

“What’s wrong?”

Jackie just sinks deeper into his pillow and closes his eyes fully. For a moment Marvin thinks the little groan he lets out will be the only response he gets, but then he finally speaks. “Uterus bad.”

“Oh, damn,” Marvin sighs, and he finally shuts the door behind himself and makes his way over to the bed. Looks like poor Jackie’s period is hitting bad again, and it’s not surprising considering all the stress of moving just two weeks prior, but it still sucks. “Can I sit?”

Jackie just nods, and so Marvin picks up the stuffed sheep he finds fallen off the bed, and sits. Jackie fishes out one of his hands from under his mess of sheets and makes grabby hands at Marvin until he receives said sheep, and he hugs it, tucking it under his chin.

“Do you need anything.”

“A different set of reproductive organs, please...” he groans again, because that seems to be one of three things he can reliable do right now, but there’s finally some humour to his tone at least.

Marvin grins, and he’s pretty sure Jackie smiles back, though it’s hard to tell with so much in the way. “I don’t think they sell those at the grocery store.”

“Damn.”

Marvin gives a sympathetic hum and he reaches out to rub his poor, suffering friend’s shoulder. Jackie closes his eyes for a moment.

“Is there anything else you’d like then?”

“Hmm...” he opens his eyes again, and adjusts himself so that his face is less in the pillow now and more turned towards Marvin, for the sake of a better conversation experience. “I don’t know...painkillers, maybe?”

In the end that list grows to painkillers, the heating pad, a nice, warm drink and some snacks, and while he’s at it, Marvin checks if they’ve got enough pads too. Just because they moved in weeks ago, it doesn’t mean Jackie couldn’t have forgotten to bring enough in the first place.

And he’s so right. He scribbles it on the shopping list during his pass in the kitchen.

As a bonus reward from his fetch quests, he also gives Jackie a gentle lecture on how he needs to learn to ask for what he needs instead of downplaying the list to a single, easy-to-get item. It’s good that this isn’t the first period Marvin’s ever seen, but he’d very much prefer to just ask Jackie what he needs than guess it. Jackie looks sufficiently sorry, and Marvin reassures him that it’s okay, it’s just a work in progress (because the last thing he wants is to screw with the poor guy’s already messy emotions), and in the end Jackie ends up adding a new element to his list of current needs – a hug.

He’s granted that, in a kind of roundabout way, when Marvin lies down next to him (because the painkillers have yet to work their magic, and so Jackie doesn’t want to do anything but lie curled around the hot pad) and they cuddle for a while, a little clumsy and complicated, because there’s so many things on the bed to be mindful of now. But Jackie gets his craved physical affection, and he sinks back into a pleasant, half-asleep state as the pain starts to lessen, comfortable in the warmth of the hot pad and the way Marvin’s fingers slide through his hair in an imperfect rhythm. He listens to the in-depth discussions his friend has with some of his plushies, words fading in and out of the edges of his consciousness.

Marvin is grateful as all fuck for Saturdays, because that means neither of them have things to do and places to be. Jackie can stay in bed and eat comfort food as much as he wants, and Marvin can hang out with him and make sure he’s okay and also do the shopping before he forgets.

He eventually gets around to doing the latter too, traversing the thankfully not insanely crowded isles of the supermarket. He’s having a good leg day, so he only brought one crutch, and even that’s sitting in the cart now. He can hold his weight just fine for now and lean on the cart for a few moments if he can’t.

He gets regular, boring kind of groceries, like milk and bread and spices, because there’s always ones running out. Then he heads for the isle that holds sweets, most importantly chocolate-based sweets, and this time it’s not for his own pleasure. He ends up with three different kinds of chocolate piled into the cart after long, careful examination and consideration of all options. Jackie definitely deserves to treat himself to some good sweets.

He skids to a stop (fairly literally, because what sort of person would he be if he didn’t skate with the cart from time to time) at the end of the isle when he notices a selection of jars and bottles with carefully layered various powders and chocolate chips in them. He grins. Jackie loves baking, he’d surely love these funky little “cookie recipe in a bottle” thingies too. He sifts through the selection until he finds one with a nice recipe that doesn’t have pink bows, people in skirts and the last century’s ideal housewife on them, and piles it on top of the chocolate.

Pads are probably the toughest to get from the whole list. Not because he feels shame and a threat to his masculinity looking at period products, because he’s way past his “utter dumbass” phase in this regard, and if he feared for his masculinity so much, he wouldn’t wear skirts half as often. No, it’s because the one very important detail he managed to forget to jot down is the brand and make of the damn things. So now he’s faced with a whole wall of pads and racking his brain for what they looked like when he saw Jackie stash them in their own little box in the bathroom two weeks ago.

Except they all look the same – pink for day, dark blue for night – and the only differences he can spot in this visually uninteresting display are the brand names and prices.

He’d go for cheapest, but – really? It’d make sense, except who knows which of these things is actually comfortable and, like, good at its job? The price surely doesn’t. And Jackie wears boxers, do these things even work with those?

He’s pulled out of his thoughts for a moment when another person – long hair, dress, delicate make-up, all in all feminine-looking – enters the isle and gives him a look that’s...friendly? Friendly people in a supermarket, would you look at that! They’re probably pleasantly surprised by seeing someone on the more masculine end of the scale shopping for these things.

Finally, he admits his defeat and pulls out his phone to text Jackie.

But at least he gets the needed information quickly, and Jackie is sympathetic about him not remembering (“These things all look the same...” “I know, right?!”) and shoves two night and two day packs into the cart, because the particular brand is on sale anyway.

He gets off the bus a stop early to walk the rest of the way, the bag of groceries floating by his side with his magic. The weather isn’t nice just yet, and the wind that whips around him sometimes is cutting, but he enjoys a little walk. More importantly, he’s very much aware that there’s a flower shop on the way.

He stops in front of the shop, appreciating the stock through the window as he pulls out his phone, opting to call instead of text this time. He hates to ruin the surprise, but…

“Hey, did you get lost in the supermarket or something?” Jackie laughs into the speaker as soon as he picks up. It’s nice to hear that he’s feeling better now.

Marvin snorts. “Shut up. I wanted to ask how you dysphoria is doing today?”

“Pretty okay, surprisingly,” there’s rusting from the other end, Jackie adjusting his position wherever he is. “Hasn’t been bitching much yet.”

“Nice!” it is nice. He’ll definitely celebrate that. “Would it get ticked off by flowers, though?”

There’s a beat of silence as Jackie processes the unexpected question. “No, I don’t think it would. I love flowers, I’ve gotten over most of the social bullshit around them already,” he stops, then his tone shifts. “Marvin, what are you-”

“Shh, you heard nothing from me! I just wanted to make sure I wouldn’t end up making you feel worse on accident.”

Jackie refuses to hush just yet though. “Dude, I swear, if you’re buying me flowers just because my organs are back on their bullshit, I’m-”

“Listen,” Marvin cuts in, and he’s rewarded by silence immediately. “It’s my money and I can spend it however I want, so shh. As I said, you heard nothing from me,” he waits for that huff of breath that signals defeat, and laughs when he gets it. “I’ll be home soon!”

Jackie calls him an idiot as the call ends, his voice so full of fondness, and Marvin stays standing in front of the shop and just smiling to himself for another moment before he enters.

“’Elloooooo...” Marvin calls as he shuts the front door behind himself, and he hears Jackie’s goofy ‘’Allo!’ in response from somewhere. First thing’s first he calls his other crutch to himself, because his legs are tired now and he needs it, just in case, and floats his bag over into the kitchen.

He doesn’t even get to start unpacking before Jackie enters after him, perfectly upright and seemingly much more comfortable in his skin than only hours ago. He’s wrapped in a bathrobe and his hair is still dripping slightly, and he must have forgotten his glasses somewhere. Marvin already expects a wild hunt to find them again in like five minutes. But he looks good, in his lanky, dorky kind of way, and Marvin is so glad the day is going a little better for him now.

Marvin grins as he fishes out the potted hyacinth he’s bought from the bag. “Look! I brought you a new friend!”

Jackie stares for a moment too long, and his forehead gets a little scrunched up, and he’s still wearing that dorky, goofy smile on his face...and by now Marvin knows to translate that expression to “Jackie just got emotional as fuck.” He has just about half a moment to put the plant back down safely before he’s tugged forward and wrapped up in Jackie’s arms. He leans into it, and his crutches stay hovering where he let go of them. He makes sure to keep his grip on Jackie cautious, because it’s rude to squeeze someone around the middle when their organs are being disrespectful.

Jackie does squeeze him though, and it’s nice. He sounds a little choked up when he says: “Thank you.”

“Dude, it’s just a flower...”

“No, it’s,” he shakes his head, and Marvin can feel it, because it nudges closer to his. “You know I don’t just mean the flower.”

Marvin takes a moment to respond, as he presses his face into Jackie’s shoulder until he can’t breather properly. He adjusts his head, leaves his cheek resting there anyway, and he doesn’t stop smiling. “I know,” he takes a short pause and risks a very gentle squeeze. Jackie doesn’t wince. “Still, you don’t need to thank me.”

“Nope,” Jackie’s tone switches to something less deeply emotional and more dorky again, and he raises his head, though still makes no move to end the hug. He shakes his head and laughs. “Nope, we’re not doing this argument again.”

Marvin just laughs along, and shoves his face back into his best friend’s shoulder again.

[its-love-u-asshole]

Twelve Hours [Ch. 7]

Pairings: Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei

Summary: Kuroo Tetsurou has dealt with a lot since he was eighteen, each year bringing the same depressing challenges on the same depressing night. He expects this time to be no different, but the universe is trying desperately to prove him wrong in the most bizarre ways imaginable. So screw it, Kuroo’s only choice is to buckle in and hope he doesn’t die. Easy enough. And hey, with some new allies at his side, maybe he has a chance. Who knows? At least Kuroo is sure of one thing in life when it comes to March 15th, and he stands by this unwritten law, no matter what happens:

If you try to kill pizza delivery boys on Purge Night, you’re irrevocably a bitch.

Rating: T

Tags: Purge AU, mentions of violence but nothing graphic or too bad, no character deaths here okay, this is borderline crack and idk what I was thinking, first meetings, other characters, shenanigans and just…a lot of fun (it seems angsty but its not)

Note: I'm finally back! This chapter was tougher to get through bc emotions, and I took some time away to finish a majority of my other multichapter! Soon it'll just be this fic to worry about, for a little while at least. But until then I hope you all enjoy this longer chapter <3 Thank you to @emeraldwaves for reading this over! 

Read on AO3!

“I’m starving, do you think McDonalds is open during the Purge?”

And naturally, thirty minutes later, they were back to this shit. Albeit, with a bit more admiration towards Yamamoto, and each other. Oh, and no back bumper.

But still. This.

“Ew, I sure hope not. Can you imagine dying in a McDonald’s if you’re an employee?” Suga spoke up from where he was flipping through a magazine, not at all approving of Futakuchi's craving. As a pizza delivery man, Kuroo tried not to take offense, and thinking about it, he sure hoped he didn't die in this uniform. As if recognizing the joke, Tsukishima's eyes flashed in the rearview mirror, twinkling in delight.

Jerk. But Kuroo's grin pretty much negated any real bite.

Futakuchi stared out the window from his new seat in the second row, behind Terushima. He seemed more or less fine, and Kuroo had to say he was impressed with how he'd managed to regain his cool. “Well with all the high calorie food and processed McNuggets at least I can say I died doing what I loved.”

Yamamoto squinted. “Er...eating McNuggets?”

“Dying.”

Good lord.

Then again, perhaps Futakuchi coped with trauma in less conventional ways. Kuroo couldn't help but be a little jealous though; at this point, coping was pointless for him. Each experience got added to the burden on his back, that was all.

He wondered if Tsukishima's shoulders were as heavy.

"Can we just...have some silence please?" Tsukishima sighed, making another strange turn down an empty road. They'd stopped questioning him after three or four detours, he seemed to know his way around enough. Plus, how much more car trouble could they possibly have?

To his surprise the car didn't protest. It must've been the exhaustion or the hunger, because everyone sat back quietly, like a rowdy bunch of kids on a road trip. Kuroo figured that was the most innocent analogy, given their situation. Not even Futakuchi argued as he burned a hole into the back of Terushima's head.

Ah yes, the other elephant in the room.

...car.

The fearless leader occupied the passenger seat now, something Kuroo hadn't questioned despite his reluctance. Tsukishima knew it was important for Terushima to be at the front of things, this was his expedition after all. Kuroo had moved farther up to the second row though, because no way was he not sitting behind Tsukishima. If that was as close as he was allowed, he'd stay there.

As time passed, he'd wondered if it had been the best course of action though, isolating Terushima in the front when Futakuchi's concerned stare begged for him to join the rest of their friends.

Terushima hadn't spoken since they'd moved back into the car, after the relieved tears had been shed. Kuroo could see the lines of tension in his shoulders, begging to be pressed, the gritting teeth he wasn't even trying to conceal. It was enough to make Kuroo feel like a coil, and he was the most relaxed he'd been all night.

Again, Kuroo caught Tsukishima's eyes in the mirror, the same question sitting between them.

Should we say something?

The option felt clunky and unnatural, even as he imagined it. What would he say?

Tsukishima sighed, turning back to the road as his fingers curled around the wheel. Guess that meant he didn't know either.

To think he and Tsukishima were so capable when it came to fighting, strategizing, watching everyone's backs...

And yet, who knew when the last time they'd dealt with emotions had been? Kuroo at least had Bokuto and Akaashi, and his family out of the country, but...

Images of an empty living room and bland walls flashed in his mind. The lack of chairs at a dinner table...

When did Tsukishima talk about these things? Did he ever get the chance?

Kuroo surely didn't. No matter how Bokuto pried, he kept his shit locked up behind double steel doors guarded by mutant crocodiles in his heart.

Point: he and Tsukishima could do a lot, but he wasn't so sure about this.

Kuroo sighed, leaning against the tinted windows as the streetlights passed, the remnants of barely burning bonfires blurring on the side of the road every now and again. He had to give it to Tsukishima, his route made no sense, but Kuroo had barely seen any people in the last half hour.

He knew feeling safe was never one hundred percent during the Purge, but with Tsukishima here, it was the closest they'd all get. He couldn't help but wonder how knowledge of this route had come to the blond though.

Had he once been lost in this city too? On the worst night of the year no less?

Facing something like this alone was something Kuroo did all the time without even realizing, but Tsukishima lacked Kuroo's false indifference and mundane delivery routes. When Tsukishima had gone out into the Purge, he'd done so with a goal, one he'd kill for.

Kuroo's pretend bravery didn't compare, nor did his occasional wrong turn in a suburban neighborhood. If Tsukishima had ventured out into the limitless city, Kuroo could only imagine how afraid he might've been.

It almost made him feel guilty, because now those experiences had become their salvation.

It was also a reason Kuroo barely worried when they got a flat tire minutes later. He was the only one though.

"Oh fuck, oh no," Suga began fretting as the car slowed to a stop, maneuvered expertly to the side of the road by a still silent Tsukishima. "I can't believe this! What now? How are we supposed to get there now?"

Tsukishima unbuckled his seatbelt gently, reaching into the glovebox as hell broke loose in the car.

If Kuroo didn't marry him, he'd be so disappointed in himself.

Kuroo could've been worried himself, but what was the point? If he could survive Honda Rodeo he could survive anything.

"We're all gonna die aren't we? This is the end of the line," Yamamoto said, and Kuroo didn't mean to judge him, but c'mon. The man was hyperventilating, seconds away from breaking a window which would be a real problem. Suga also fidgeted roughly in his seat, looking out every window like the plague of Purgers would descend on them any minute now.

Relax, holy fuck.

Futakuchi seemed preoccupied with his not-boyfriend still, a problem which sat at the front of Kuroo's brain way more than this car situation, especially when Tsukishima finally graced them all with his words of encouragement and patience.

"Shut up," Tsukishima hissed, stuffing a car rag from the glove box into Yamamoto's mouth. Oh, so that's what he needed from there. Thank you. "I know how to change a damn tire. There should be a spare in the back."

Silence filled the car; Kuroo tried not to propose on the spot.

Yamamoto let the rag fall out of his mouth like it was no big deal, and honestly none of them would've tried to fight the blond anyways. It plopped to the floor pathetically. "...oh. Cool."

Jeez.

The car relaxed again, and Kuroo allowed himself to glance at their surroundings, trying to be somewhat smart about things. They were by the beach now, a coastal highway with hardly any buildings lining it. Not exactly a fun place to find people to murder.

Once more, Tsukishima had thought so much through, and knew so much.

Wait a second...

Kuroo perked up, glancing at Tsukishima as he stepped out of the car. "Do you really? Know how to change it I mean?"

Tsukishima stopped right before closing the door, his shock at the question palpable. Kuroo didn't think it was that weird. Hesitance flashed in those beautiful eyes as Tsukishima shyly nodded, his voice small and a far cry from moments before. "My dad was a mechanic before...yeah. He taught me."

"Oh," he replied pathetically, his curiosity dimming. "I'm sorry."

Tsukishima's smile was small, but it was enough to soothe Kuroo anyways.

As Tsukishima busied himself, Kuroo sat back, letting the information sit with him. He was all too aware of the blond's movements behind him, getting the tire and the toolkit out, wasting no time in setting out all his equipment. He did it with such calm efficiency, Kuroo couldn't put a finger on why it bothered him. He thought the feeling was admiration, and some curiosity, and most of it was, but...

"At least now we'll survive," Yamamoto said, getting ready to hop out of the car while Tsukishima changed the tire. Ah yes, the worst part. But seeing no threats in the area, Kuroo hopped out like it was any other day, indulging in the fantasy.

Plus, he was happy to be facing Tsukishima again. The back tire had been the one to blow, and Kuroo wasted no time in helping him get the jack situated, his fingers grazing Tsukishima's every so often.

He would've gladly worked in the comfortable silence, if a familiar voice hadn't stopped him.

For the first time in what felt like forever, Terushima scoffed, unmoving from his seat, and even Tsukishima thought it necessary to pause.

They'd both been expecting something like this.

The rest of the group jumped, all heads turning to what usually meant lighthearted jokes, an easy tone. Not this time, and Futakuchi must've caught onto that too.

He tried to open Terushima's door, but the leader denied him that, solidifying the wall he'd haphazardly placed around himself. Kuroo tried not to stare at how the brunet's expression cracked. "Yuuji..."

Terushima's breathing sounded like simmering heat, threatening to boil over.

"You can stop making jokes about it now, it's a flat tire, not life or death," Terushima snarled, and Kuroo could feel the fire raging beneath, waiting. He and Tsukishima didn't move. They knew.

Yamamoto did not. "Actually it kinda is tonight. We're just trying to stay positive..."

"As positive as we can be given the Fast and Furious remake we just lived through," Suga said, fanning himself with his magazine. Beside him, Yamamoto giggled, but Futakuchi just backed away from the car, catching onto what Kuroo had anticipated thirty minutes ago.

It was all apparently the last straw.

Terushima whipped around, and his voice trembled, the storm of emotions in his expression stronger than the tide Kuroo could hear rushing in his ears. A tumultuous sea.

"Can you guys shut up!" It's not funny okay? You almost died not even a fucking hour ago, and you're here joking about fucking McDonald's and the car and everything! What's wrong with you?" The desperation made his friends flinch, and Kuroo felt Tsukishima rise to his feet beside him, ready to intervene.

But he stayed put, like he knew this whole thing was necessary. How closely did he relate? More than Kuroo did, probably.

"Hey," Yamamoto began, the guilt seeping into his tone. He didn't get the chance. "I didn't--"

Terushima hand slammed against the middle console, and he stared at it, offended, like he wished the car would just completely fall to pieces. "No! We all could be lying in the road right now but I guess none of you care that we--I almost lost---just fuck this! Okay? What's the point anymore? Why...why are we doing this?"

It was an after shock of doubt, much like how Terushima had felt back in Tsukishima's home, but worse now. Realer. Experienced.

The group stared on, appalled, and Kuroo could tell where their thoughts had gone. How could Terushima ask such a thing after how far they'd probably all come? Kuroo could imagine the nights of planning, the shared worries, the goodbyes they'd said to their families with no explanation...

There were a million reasons why they'd done this, Terushima's mom, justice, many more stupid, human things. None of them felt anymore childish than the last in Kuroo's mind, his hatred of naivety be damned. They all had their weaknesses, he was no exception.

They'd all believed in this night, in Terushima. Maybe that's why Kuroo's heart ached at seeing Futakuchi's hand touch the glass window, seeing Suga curl in on himself as he sat on the dirty road.

And beneath it all, an insecurity Kuroo was all too familiar with shone through Terushima's words, an echo of what Kuroo had always known to be something which linked their experiences together.

Why did I think I could do this?

Kuroo looked to his side, watching Tsukishima's neutral expression contemplate the words, absorbing them without judgement.

Tsukishima would know best about this right? Regret. His words from earlier reverberated in Kuroo's head, wistful and weighed down.

"Back then, it made sense. Now I'm not sure, but it's done."

Terushima couldn't say that yet, he was giving up too soon. Kuroo knew one or two things about being a coward, but even he knew some things were better to see through.

Especially when it concerned something he believed in.

The wind blew, and Terushima's anger didn't cease.

"Well...because," Futakuchi began, small and not anything like the cutting banter he usually threw out. His thought faded into the air as he lost it, not knowing what to say. Kuroo doubted any of them did. Terushima had been their rock, and now...

The leader huffed, leaping out of the car finally, slamming the door with little care to how loud it echoed in the darkness. He walked right past Futakuchi, past his friends, walking alone across the street to sit on the beach. He didn't care.

No one moved, most kept their eyes on the ground, defeated. But Kuroo followed Terushima's every move. The frustration, the anger, he understood.

The sound of the waves hitting the rocks didn't have the relaxing quality they usually did as he saw Terushima sit on the edge of the road, where asphalt met sand, curling up like he wished the world would dissolve around him. Soon he'd discover as Kuroo had, the world wasn't that nice.

Kuroo wondered if he should go talk to him, if they should fix the tire first, if they should talk about anything or just let Terushima blow off steam at his own pace. He wasn't used to this anymore. He wasn't the natural leader he'd been in high school, he didn't know how to pat people on the back or offer them advice or make them feel like everything would be okay. His plan of attack wasn't even in the first draft stages, and he hated it.

But he should've known by then, where he faltered, Tsukishima pushed.

Wordlessly, the blond set aside his tools, dusting off his hands on his sweater, and began to walk across the road as well. Tsukishima threw one look Kuroo's way, eyebrow quirked, and no explanation was needed.

Are you coming?

Kuroo was powerless to follow. Guess he would find out about his emotional advice skills after all, but Tsukishima would be there to pick up his slack, filling in the blanks.

Kuroo nodded for him to go ahead, and the promise was sealed.

Not everyone else was so gung-ho about that.

Yamamoto perked up as he watched Tsukishima leave them, and hey, relatable. "H-hey! Where is he going?"

Without answering, Kuroo checked his surroundings one last time, and made sure the doors were locked before trailing after the blond.

"Wait! Not you too! Hey! I'm talking to you!" Yamamoto bellowed nervously, and Kuroo would admit, he and Tsukishima were the most capable people in the group. But damn, they could survive on an empty road with clear vantage points for at least ten minutes.

"You'll be fine," Kuroo said, rolling his eyes.

Eek. He hoped the universe hadn't been listening to that.

"That's what everyone says," Yamamoto whispered, like now that their defenses had deserted them, they needed to be extra careful. Please. "And then something terrible happens."

You're not wrong, but oh well.

Kuroo sighed roughly, his hand carding through his hair. He really was glad he'd decided to join these losers tonight, he didn't want to think of what would've happened otherwise. "Just, please, watch out for each other. Keep your weapons out, look around at all times. No sweat."

Or, he hoped as much.

Saying 'no sweat' on a night like tonight was like comforting someone by telling them the dead had risen, but the government wasn't going to nuke them all in response.

We won't be long, it's fine.

Yeah.

As he turned towards where Terushima and Tsukishima sat, Kuroo actually felt it was true, and with each step, the anxiety became a bit more tolerable.

He watched Tsukishima put ample distance between himself and Terushima, either for his own sake or the leader's, but Kuroo didn't doubt Terushima appreciated it. His head barely rose when Kuroo arrived.

The ocean stalled, listening, before the waves began to rock steadily again. To Kuroo's shock, Tsukishima didn't press, didn't break the ice with a scolding or a question.

So, Kuroo followed his lead, and leaned against the old lookout rails.

Terushima dipped his head lower, fixated on the vastness in front of him, eyes murky like its depths. Guess Terushima still let himself cry. Good. "Are you guys here to tell me I'm overreacting or something? Because if so, you don't have to, I know..."

Kuroo could've laughed; there was no such thing as overreacting tonight, Kuroo had more freakouts than he could count and his shift would've barely been half over. So really, Terushima was just reacting, and to some pretty fucked up shit too.

Tsukishima had to know that, his long sigh just a preparation to recite similar thoughts with more profoundness than Kuroo could manage. Tsukishima, with his reserved posture and calculating stares which only gave away bits and pieces at a time. The experience locked in there surely had insight to give, and Kuroo waited, trusted.

The raw honesty which left the blond's lips carried more like a punch to the gut, gentle advice turned atom bomb.

Tsukishima's eyes were dead as he waited for Terushima to raise his head, a disturbing patience, before everything was dropped into the air like the words meant nothing. "Once, I drove all night to a new city," Tsukishima said, shrugging. He squirmed, pulling his legs in as he watched the water. "I'd...never been there, I hadn't eaten, my car wasn't fancy or armor plated like yours, but I went anyways. Not my best idea, kind of on the same tier as taking a group of friends in a van and getting lost, but worse still. It was just me, all alone, because I was angry. So angry, like you."

'I'm just like you.'

Terushima sat there, frozen, listening. The comment about his own actions hadn't even stung, not that it was meant to. No, even Kuroo knew, this part of the story was Tsukishima telling him he'd done almost everything right. Terushima was no better or worse than any of them.

But that wasn't the whole story.

Kuroo's ears strained for any sound, and he should've been focused on Terushima, how each admittance made his posture open and his tension fade, but he couldn't find it in him. His world was Tsukishima, and another pit of suspicion lodged itself in his gut.

Tsukishima shook his head, breathing hard, and Kuroo had never seen him so unable to piece his words together. They were cracked, not fluent and cutting like usual. They were just sad. Kuroo wanted more than anything to make that stop, to go back in time so he could've helped. "My parents lived there, that city, in some stupid fancier house. Without us. And they...they needed to be taught a lesson. Kind of like your rich doctor I guess."

Tsukishima paused, waiting for Terushima's small, child-like nod.

"I took stuff from them, not everything but enough, a lot. Enough to lock myself in that big empty house you smashed a hole in," Tsukishima said, and Terushima bowed his head. Then, almost imperceptibly, Tsukishima's head tilted towards Kuroo, his voice smaller, like he actually cared about embarrassment. As if Kuroo would care. "Enough to pay off the debt for the college degree I didn't finish, enough to pay for whatever I wanted."

The mention of college had Kuroo's mind swimming again, something missing, always missing.

Tell me everything.

Tsukishima breathed.

"So no, I'm not going to tell you you're overreacting. I don't really think I've earned the privilege. I'm just here to ask why you're so upset," Tsukishima finished, simply, like his voice hadn't been crumbling like plates during an earthquake.

"But...you, you weren't overreacting," Terushima spoke, loud enough over the waves to make Kuroo flinch. "I don't think so..."

Tsukishima arched a brow, the question clear. 'If I wasn't overreacting, neither are you.'

Terushima's eyes widened, but Tsukishima still thought it necessary to hammer the point home, to expose the parts of himself he'd been so carefully pulling apart. "Do you wanna know why I robbed my parents?"

Yes.

Kuroo remembered how relieved he'd been when he'd found out Tsukishima wasn't a typical Purger. How much he'd always hated those who contributed to the danger and culture. Really, Tsukishima was part of the issue, no matter what Kuroo tried to justify in his head. But he couldn't fault the blond, not when he saw the look in his eyes, heard the edge in his voice. Tsukishima hadn't had a choice, no matter how he was trying to spin this, to paint himself as less than. At the end of the day, Kuroo wanted to know what he'd done and why more than anyone, but if he never did, he'd support Tsukishima regardless. He was that confident in his character, in the desperation which had pushed him so far.

Kuroo hated the Purge, but the basic foundation of ignorance he'd built had withered away over the past few hours, that hero complex altered. He couldn't stop Terushima from changing completely like he'd originally wanted, just like no amount of company could’ve helped Tsukishima all those years ago.

But they were here, and they would do what they could. Kuroo would give his all, bad advice or not.

"Yes..." Terushima whispered, like he was scared, but he needed to hear it.

Tsukishima had once said he and Terushima were the same. Kuroo hadn't fully understood then, but now...

"They tried to kill my brother." Tsukishima glared out at the sea, remembering. Kuroo and Terushima didn't breathe. "They were going to profit off him to make their lives better, like Takahashi wanted to do with your mom and countless others. I tried to stop them, but I guess I only half won."

"Since he's in a wheelchair now, he needs all the peace he can get."

Tsukishima had been an amateur too, once upon a time.

Kuroo bowed his head, but Terushima's reactions didn't stay hidden, he understood. And of course, Tsukishima must've known why Terushima was upset all along. Kuroo had as well. That self-doubt, the guilt over dragging his friends into this.

But at the end of the day, Terushima wasn't wrong.

"Your revenge isn't misplaced, you're not a bad person for wanting to kill this piece of shit," Tsukishima managed out, the snarl in his voice barely contained. "Your friends feel the same. You need to stop focusing on all your stupid mistakes and just do what you have to."

The goal is worth it.

Maybe not right, but worth it. The Purge should've never been a thing to begin with, but if the Purge wasn't going to get justice for these things...

"He's right," Kuroo finally said, and Tsukishima's head whipped around to look at him, like he'd expected Kuroo to dismiss him altogether. Yeah right. Kuroo smiled at him, small and weak, but certain. "For the longest time, I thought the Purge and anyone who used it was no better than the worst criminals. And honestly, I still kind of believe that...nothing is ever going to be able to completely get rid of that feeling."

Tsukishima nodded, felt the same.

"But sometimes the lesser of two evils isn't all just bullshit excuses," Kuroo sighed, because in this day and age choices were so damn limited. "If people like you...both of you, didn't go after these assholes, no one would even get close to them."

Tsukishima stayed staring, his bitten nails digging into the sleeves of his sweater. It pained him to look away, more than Kuroo could make sense of. He looked to Terushima, channeling his eighteen year old self for what he hoped wasn't the last time. "I know that deep down now, so do your friends. They believe in you, and what you're doing, no matter how much you think you're messing up."

And Tsukishima, bless his soul, knew he had to put this lesson ahead of his own emotions. He turned back to Terushima, rising to his feet alongside Kuroo. "He has a point. That lot wouldn't accept the danger for nothing, I know I call them fools but you have to have more faith in them than that, they know more than you think, more than you apparently. They saw the leadership quality in you and put their money on it. So maybe they cope with trauma with bad jokes..."

"Don't we all?" Kuroo added, sighing wistfully.

"...but that doesn't mean they're not serious. Far from it, if they weren't I doubt you could've even gotten them outside the door."

Yeah seriously. They're more nuts than we are.

And they had bad taste in food, but irrelevant.

Terushima wiped at his eyes, mouth torn between a grimace and a laugh. Sometimes it was hard to accept things weren't all one's own doing. Kuroo knew it was hard to explain every feeling, every conflict going on inside the heart, but Terushima was strong. He could do this, sort of had to. Kuroo had pledged to help him realize that. "I just...I didn't want them to get hurt. It should've just been me out here."

Kuroo and Tsukishima shared a look, and the blond felt no need to sugar-coat things anymore. "It's too late for that. They accepted those risks, so did you. They're not going to blame you for whatever happens."

Not even in death.

Not to mention, Kuroo had no doubt Tsukishima would've appreciated the help back in the day. He hadn't been so lucky to have the support system Terushima had. They loved Terushima so much, didn't resent him. He had to respect that.

"But--!" Terushima stopped, his teeth gritting together to keep the arguments back. He knew they were useless.

Usually, Kuroo would worry for the wellbeing of anyone willing to argue with Tsukishima, especially after a confession of that caliber, but Kuroo wanted to hear the things he too had never allowed himself to admit. Terushima had to let it all out, or they'd never get off this damn beach.

"But?" Kuroo prodded.

Terushima sighed, his feet digging into the sand, and he vomited the insecurities, the things Kuroo and Tsukishima had encountered more than enough times. "What if I'm too scared to do it? What if...what if I can't kill him? I'm not like you Tsukishima, what if I can't make those hard decisions? If I can't, then what was the point of doing this to everyone?"

'What was the point of hurting everyone?'

Yeah. Worthless risks.

Reasons why Kuroo didn't finish school, didn't try to find a better job, why he just tried to visualize and work towards a better future while he lived in the shitty present.

It couldn't continue, and he didn't want Terushima to feel the same. Some things had to be seen to the end, no matter how painful or uncertain.

Tsukishima only huffed, as if the logic needed to disprove Terushima's fears sat as clear and present as the world around them. "But I didn't make those hard decisions."

Kuroo and Terushima's collective expressions screamed 'what,' but Tsukishima continued like it was the most normal thing in the world. Again, Kuroo knew he was a goner. "I was going to kill them, you know, that was the original plan. I wanted to so bad, I walked up the stairs and into their bedroom and I was so close, they were right there, and...I couldn't do it. I didn't do it. And...I've had to just..."

The glazed look told Kuroo a lot, like the fact Tsukishima still dealt with the horror of that fucked up fork in the road years later, that maybe Tsukishima still hadn't completely let himself accept it. But Kuroo would help him, after all this was done, he promised he would.

"Deal with it," Kuroo finished softly, since that was all everyone ever did for the past seven years.

"Yeah," Tsukishima whispered. "That."

Kuroo's fingers wrapped around Tsukishima's wrist with no hesitation, and felt the goosebumps against his fingertips.

Terushima stared down at his own hands. Kuroo couldn't help but smile. None of them had really expected it to go this way. After a few moments, Terushima spoke, barely above a whisper, the last thing he needed to know. "Do you regret that?"

Kuroo and Tsukishima shared another look, and Kuroo could see it more clearly, the dampness in those gorgeous eyes, the reluctant honesty, everything. Kuroo never wanted to look away.

The blond shook his head, slow, like he needed to be sure. "No, no I don't think so. Not sure I would've regretted doing it either honestly, but I'll never know. I did what I thought was best then, and that's what you should do too."

They both watched as the understanding fully seeped into Terushima's shoulders, chipping away at the last block of second guessing. It made the next words easy to find for Kuroo, they flowed nice and sure, like they used to. And finally, Kuroo didn't doubt his advice.

"Look, no one is saying you have to make one decision or the other," he said, placing his hand against Terushima's shoulder. He felt Tsukishima watch him, like he needed the words too, like he constantly needed the reminder he wasn't a terrible person. Any other night, Kuroo would've gladly stayed put and told him for hours.

But for now, they both had someone else to pull up onto their feet.

Kuroo sighed, and he felt strong again, like he could do anything. He wanted Terushima to feel the same. "When the time comes, you'll make one, and we'll be right there beside you. The thing is, if you're gonna decide..."

If you want the chance to decide...

Kuroo shrugged, grinning softly up at Tsukishima. After all, if the blond needed the words, he needed to say them too. That way, they'd stay drilled in.

The blond nodded, the lines of tension fading away as he unclenched his hands. "You have to actually get to the destination first. Preferably without more car accidents."

And yes, the joke was wholly necessary. But in all truth, they needed to see things to the end, no matter how they'd feel about the consequences later. Such was life. Such was this life, no matter how shitty it was.

"That's life," Tsukishima whispered, as if he could read Kuroo's mind, and Kuroo tried not to blind the world with his grin.

Yeah, Kuroo thought, much better than how I would've said it. Or maybe he knew Tsukishima was simply the best person to deliver the message. Judging from the way Terushima sighed, he knew he'd been right.

They watched as Terushima nodded, wiping the unshed tears from his eyes. The sniffles were drowned out by the waves as he rose to his feet, eyes slowly filling back up with that familiar light. Good. Kuroo would hate if he lost that.

He looked to them both, a new stubbornness back in his face, one that would surely stay.

"Thank you," Terushima said softly, placing a hand on Tsukishima's other wrist. It was enough, more than enough, and Kuroo delighted in the blond's shock, the realization he'd helped.

Tsukishima deserved to feel appreciated like that, more than anyone else.

As Terushima walked away, Kuroo thought it was only right that he told him as much. "He looks up to you, you know. We all do."

Tsukishima turned to him, startled, but Kuroo wouldn't stop himself even under the blond's intensity. "Whatever you did doesn't change that. You made your decisions."

You made the best decisions you could.

Tsukishima stared a second longer, maybe waiting for Kuroo to look away, but Kuroo liked giving in even worse than the blond did. Didn't matter how much he'd been beaten down. He needed to make sure Tsukishima heard him, loud and clear.

Then, the blond's head dropped, the clear loser, and he laughed softly. "Where do you get off, saying things like that so easily?"

Ah, music to Kuroo's ears. He smiled, shameless. "Sorry, but you kinda bring that out in me."

You do a lot for me.

And okay, he sorta meant it in a 'you're really hot way,' but only a little bit. Kuroo had eyes, alright?

He wondered if Tsukishima really could read his mind, because his smile fell, his cheeks lighting up beautifully in an innocent red, so different from the usual seriousness. Kuroo loved it.

Tsukishima bit his lip, his breathing stuttering, like he wanted so badly to second guess his next words. They rushed out before he could. "Just me?"

Oh. Oh.

Tsukishima's eyes closed, and he turned back to the ocean, letting the mist spray. He looked like he wanted the ground to eat him. Adorable.

But he didn't pull away, he let Kuroo's hand stay resting against his way too skinny wrist, the smooth skin warm under the touch.

What kind of answer was he expecting, Kuroo wondered. What an overthinker.

Kuroo sighed, like a fawning high-schooler, and tightened his grip. "Well, yeah. Of course."

When Tsukishima looked back, Kuroo thought for a moment he saw a similar expression. He tried not to die on the spot.

Then, he almost did.

"You make me angry you know," Tsukishima sighed, ignoring the way Kuroo's jaw nearly dropped onto the floor. Well then.

"Me?!" After all that?

"Yes," Tsukishima said, as if it was nothing. "You look at me like I'm so great, but we're the same too, are we not? No degrees, no concrete future, all this baggage..."

Kuroo ignored the stalling of his heart. "Amazing senses of humor..."

"Kuroo."

"A love for dogs?"

"Some stubbornness," Tsukishima shot back.

"Some?" Kuroo asked, jostling Tsukishima's shoulder. "Try mountains of it."

They laughed, and Kuroo wondered if that would be the end of it. If Tsukishima was going to try and comfort him, he wouldn't survive.

The same? As Tsukishima? Not in a million years, but if Tsukishima thought so, Kuroo had to try his best to live up to that view. He wasn't worthy of it, and yet...

It made his heart expand, seeing Tsukishima smile at him like that. "I'm just saying, I think they look up to you plenty," he said glancing towards the car. "Not just me."

Then, before Kuroo could unleash a string of denial, Tsukishima walked away, his back turned. Kuroo missed his touch. "And for good reason too."

And Tsukishima had judged him. Just where did the blond get off, saying just what Kuroo needed to hear, and shyly on top of it. Like Kuroo would hate him for it.

For good reason huh?

For the first time, Kuroo thought about believing it.

Kuroo followed after him back to the car, where Terushima was standing waiting for them. Seemed he'd started the tire change job. Kuroo helped Tsukishima finish it in silence, the rest of the group eyeing Terushima with poorly concealed concern. But Kuroo knew there was no reason to worry now.

As Tsukishima piled the toolkit back into the car some minutes later, with everyone loading back into their respective spots, the leader finally allowed himself to speak.

Before he climbed in, Terushima opened the back door, revealing a rather amusing, shell shocked Futakuchi.

The brunet stuttered, his seatbelt not even properly fastened yet, and they stared at each other, what Kuroo guessed to be years of tension and friendship accumulating into a singular moment. And then, relief.

"I'm sorry," Terushima ended up saying, after too long of a silence, small and fragile in the night air. Futakuchi's entire being softened, so instantly, like he'd never been mad at all. Kuroo knew Terushima had chosen the right team, and the best second in command.

Terushima dipped his head in Suga and Yamamoto's direction, because he knew it was necessary. Wanted to. "I'm sorry to all of you."

Kuroo got into his own seat, right behind Tsukishima, looking one last time at the group's silent meeting.

From the looks on their faces, Kuroo could tell there was nothing to forgive.

--

With all other problems somewhat put to rest, it was no wonder the conversation came back around to Tsukishima.

"I still don't get how you know where you're going," Suga whispered, watching as old beat up buildings passed them by. They'd abandoned the coast some time ago, the smell of ocean salt replaced with familiar city smog. "I don't think I've ever been to this neighborhood and I've lived here my entire life."

"My brother liked to explore, and I got tired of always getting lost after..." Tsukishima stopped, and Terushima looked up from where he'd been flipping through his phone. "After things started."

The tension Kuroo and Terushima could now pick up on stayed below the radar, but Kuroo wondered for how long.

And besides that, the knot of something suspicious hadn't left him. He had questions, he knew it, but didn't know what they were.

"A marksman, a navigational expert, and a mechanic," Futakuchi said, fake awe drenching his words. "What are you, a Barbie?"

Tsukishima's shoulders tensed up, but no one wanted Tsukishima's eyes off the road, so conflict resolution was in order. Thank god Terushima was a good leader when his head was clear.

"Hey man, leave it alone," Terushima said, but his voice had lost the edge, had regained his amusement, but with newfound respect. Tsukishima's shoulders seemed to relax, and Futakuchi shrugged.

All should've been left alone, but Kuroo never was good at ignoring gut instincts.

"It is cool though," Kuroo said, swallowing. "That you know how to do that stuff."

"Useful things from my loving father I guess," Tsukishima said with a stiff shrug. "My brother used to say he could change tires faster than me but that's a lie, and it always will be."

"I'm sure your brother would most assuredly disagree," Suga said with a laugh, and Tsukishima's eyes twinkled in the rearview mirror at the thought of a challenge.

"He hasn't had practice in a long time," Tsukishima said, confident in the way Kuroo normally loved. "Though...I might be a little rusty, before tonight I haven't changed one since..."

And as heavy as that beat of silence was, Kuroo latched onto it.

"Since?" He encouraged, too eagerly. He felt Yamamoto's eyes on him.

Tsukishima shrugged, but it was different this time. His voice tried to remain flippant, casual. It failed. "Year one maybe, not sure."

When are you ever not sure?

Right.

"If you two could stop drooling over each other that would be good," Futakuchi said, unaware of the vortex of strain present between them. Kuroo's admiration wasn't uncommon after all, it was the best assumption. But...

"Seriously, just date already," Suga agreed.

Again, no denial from Tsukishima. None whatsoever. It just added to Kuroo's theory, bolstered it.

"You're one to talk," Tsukishima muttered, going along with it, now steadfastly ignoring glancing into the mirror.

"Hey!"

Kuroo did not listen to the rest of the pointless arguing.

Tsukishima had never, not even once, pushed those accusations away. Of feeling something for Kuroo. Kuroo didn't care, he was pretty sure part of him would adore Tsukishima no matter what, would probably come to love him beyond this one night if given the chance.

But they'd just met. In any normal situation, it wouldn't make sense for Tsukishima, someone so logical and reserved, to feel that way.

Unless of course, Tsukishima knew more than he let on, had far more in his heart than he allowed to slip.

"Hey, Tsukishima," Kuroo asked, interrupting something Futakuchi seemed to be babbling about. His voice must've been scary, because all conversation immediately stopped. "Where were you the first year? When the Purge started. Do you remember?"

Now, that was something they all wanted to know, and they leaned in. Except Terushima, who by now must've detected the brewing storm. He watched Kuroo like a hawk.

Tsukishima's eyes stayed on the road. "I was leaving school, I was running late."

Kuroo's hands tightened against the leather of the chair in front of him. He hadn't even noticed he'd leaned forward. "How come?"

And then, the blond's defenses kicked in, and Kuroo knew.

You're--

Tsukishima snapped, the speed of the car picking up, like the acceleration would drown out the speech. "What does it matter?"

"I want to know," Kuroo replied, speaking above the sounds of the car. Suga squawked from the new, sudden speed somewhere behind him.

"Too bad then," Tsukishima replied, taking another nonsensical turn onto a desolate street. "I don't like to remember stuff like that."

I know, but that's not what I meant, you know it.

"You're lying," Kuroo replied, and he wondered if in any other situation, they might've looked like a fighting married couple. "How much did you know me back then? How much really?"

Terushima spoke up, trying to get Kuroo's attention with a few taps to the glove box. "Hey! Hey Kuroo, dude, calm down, what--"

"I didn't," Tsukishima hissed, entirely too unconvincing for someone who had experienced his genuine honesty. He had to know Kuroo had figured it out. Why was he still on about this? "I just...knew you, everyone knew you. You were popular and I--"

You what? Why wouldn't you just talk to me?

Then, he couldn't take it anymore. Such an important event, it had altered Kuroo's opinions, his life, and now he knew who was responsible. "You were the one who changed my tire, weren't you?"

You saved me.

Tsukishima saved more than his life too, his will to go on, to believe in people.

"Why--why would you do that for me?" Kuroo asked, breathless. He wanted to shake Tsukishima and kiss him all at once. This beautiful, stubborn bastard.

The car turned again, the tires screeching, and Kuroo didn't care where they were or where they were going. He just wanted to hear Tsukishima admit it.

Suga yelled something about slowing down, Terushima's scoldings got lost in the mix, and then the car jolted.

"Enough!" Tsukishima yelled, slamming on the brakes as he pulled perfectly into one parking spot in an otherwise empty lot, the fog of the early morning filling the space. The car's ignition was cut, and quiet filled the space apart from Tsukishima occasional huffs. Kuroo squinted, looking out towards the only other source of light.

Where were they--oh are you serious?

"Oh hey," Yamamoto said happily, like the past few minutes had meant absolutely nothing to him. "McDonald's."

No one else seemed to share the immediate enthusiasm, at least, not for the same reasons.

Tsukishima sat frozen, staring ahead, the inevitable coursing through his mind.

Kuroo sighed to himself, leaning back. Okay, he could've handled this better, but knowing he'd been right...

He didn't know where to start.

But Terushima seemed willing to push.

"Welp," the leader said, awkwardly patting his thigh. "Thanks Tsukishima, we sure were hungry. Right guys?"

"Uh duh."

"Absolutely."

"Mmhm."

The strained chorus made Kuroo's ears hurt.

"Yeah see?" Terushima fastened his gun to his hip, glancing out the window. No threats in sight. "So you know what, we're just gonna...go on ahead of you guys and see if we can get in. You just...stay here and talk about...stuff. 'kay?"

No response.

"Alright then, bye." Terushima flung his door open, scurrying out with the rest of his group towards the fried safe haven.

God.

Each door slammed collectively, quickly, until the silence settled in again. Kuroo watched the group as they got smaller, footsteps heading towards the golden arches with purpose. They couldn't leave them out there too long by themselves, even Kuroo with his current mindset knew that.

So, he needed to find his courage for the thousandth time that night it seemed. For Tsukishima, Kuroo had no problems with it. The blond had been brave enough for all of them all night.

Plus, Kuroo had sort of ambushed him...

Whoops.

Yet, looking at those tense shoulders in the seat in front of him, Kuroo only felt fondness in his heart. He owed Tsukishima more than he realized, and he wanted nothing more than to repay that kindness as soon as possible.

And maybe for the rest of time.

With that in mind, Kuroo opened his door.

[buddyhollyscurls]

blossom (do all 3), blush, bright, candlelight (or whenever your last dream was), cuddly, cutie pie, daylight, euphoric, fairy, garden, glow, jiggly, kisses, prince, princess, rainbow, starlight, soft, toot, whiffle, wispy (sorry there were just so many questions i liked!!!)

MY DEAREST DIANA U ARE AN ABSOLUTE TREASURE THANK YOU SO MUCH

blossom; favorite book/movie/song?:

favorite book: the pigman series by paul zindel, because of romek by david faber, and the catcher in the rye by jd salinger 

favorite movie: life is beautiful, la strada, coco 

favorite song: ironia by mana, back to black by amy winehouse, i’ve been good to you by the miracles 

blush; what was your stuffed animal as a child?: when i was about 12? or so my brother got me and my sister a gift card for build a bear workshop lol i got a bunny i named babz she has on a purple sweat suit. i kept the box and her birth certificate but my niece messed them up and lost her jacket when she was a baby :( but i still have babz she sits on my vanity in my room i don’t think i’ll ever be able to give her up. 

bright; mermaids or fairies?: definitely faires i hope to be a fairy in my next life preferably a forest one who is able to make plants grow

candlelight; what did you dream about last night?: the last dream i REMEMBER had something to do with my trying to prevent death?? IDK BLAME GOBLIN I HAD JUST FINISHED WATCHING IT AND IT WAS SERIOUSLY AFFECTED THAT SHOW FUCKED ME UP 

cuddly; what’s your favorite time period?: the 60s have always held a huge fascination for me. like i remember i used to love February bc that was when we would talk about the civil rights movement and stuff and through that i remember being like 12 and seeing documentaries about the black panthers and woodstock. 

most precious item you own: i have a lot of those babz is one, i’m a very sentimental person i have a hello kitty box filled with pics friends have given me i have a Berenstain bears book i once put in a time capsule with my sister and brother that we had to dig up super early bc we moved ummm i still have cards and stuff friends have given me one is even from my tenth birthday, drawings my niece has made me, a shoebox full of journals i’ve filled up things like that i feel if i made them or if someone gave them to me they’re super precious. my book and movies as well.

favorite album of all time: tie between back to black or stg peppers 

talk about someone u love: i’m going to talk about my nieces and nephews rn bc i love them so much: adelie is the oldest she’s ten and my favorite person in the whole world. when she was born i took care of her a lot even stopped going to school for about a year so my sister could go and we got so close bc of that she is just so funny and silly and loving i hate that my girl has to grow up i want her to be little forever. next is my nephew Malcolm he’s so energetic and he plays a bit too rough with adelie and his brother and sister but he’s a great big brother he looks out for them and he and adelie get along super well. nicole is next she is an actual angel she is the sweetest girl in this entire planet she is so nurturing and she is super helpful and gentle. and finally my nephew diego. he’s three and the exact clone of my brother i even have this ig post of a side by side photo from when my brother was little they’re wearing red shirts and i stg they even have the same smile. my little man is so cute. when he was born it took a little while for him to warm up to us bc we don’t get the chance to see him as much as we did when adelie was born. but now its a complete 180 sometimes i’ll be walking and he’ll just run up and give me a hug and it makes my heart soar 

fairy; do you have a pet?: sadly i don’t haha i want to have a senior cat or senior dog but that’ll have to wait until i get my own place. hopefully whenever i get into something called a serious relationship we can get a puppy together and raise it together but who knows when that’ll come i don’t want a puppy until then tho

garden; how many languages do you know?: outside english i know spanish and a tiny bit of italian and portuguese just barely tho lol not enough to have a conversation but i can probably pick up a few sentences i want to learn italian portuguese french (that one is SUPER HARD THO FRENCH WTF) and maybe arabic 

glow; list the top 5 things you like about yourself

1: ppl tell me i’m funny

2. i’m really honest 

3. i’m tenacious 

4. i’m very empathetic 

5. for the most part i’m a postive person i’m one of those ppl that are just everyone’s personal cheerleader 

jiggly; what do you usually like to do on weekends?: watch movies lmaoooo this weekend alone i saw train to busan, silenced, see you tomorrow, this is not what i expected, turn left turn right, and lust caution. i don’t see movies during the week (during school anyway) so usually all week i try to be like what am i watching this weekend. it’s very rare i willingly make plans over the weekend we can hang out during the week but weekends are for movies.

kisses; what romantic cliché do you wish for most?: i am a romantic sap lol i am the cheesiest person i know but for some reason i’m not into cliches i guess like hmmm i guess for me the one i want most is to fall in love with my best friend. like i meet someone and we just click and they make me do the chris evans laugh A LOTand i’m able to open up and just talk with them and gradually one day its like oh snap. so this is the person i’m supposed to be with. tight. 

prince; how would you describe your handwriting?: atrocious. sometimes i can’t even read what i just wrote. but i hear ugly handwriting is a sign of high intelligence so theres that lmaooo. 

princess; do you play any instruments? if not, are there any you wish you could play?: uuuuhhh i don’t :((((((((( if i could i wish i could play guitar (i only know a few chords) drums, piano, bass, even the sitar ok brian and george made it look sick af 

rainbow; what was the last line of the last book you read?: “For the first time ever, I think Haddock may have a point, you know.” my mad fat diary by rae earl (if u haven’t seen the show i highly rec it it’s one of my fave ever just a side note)

starlight; what was your favourite show as a child?: hey arnold ok don’t even get me started on it i’ll talk forever how great it is even now its just timeless even adults should watch it and i’ve said this before and i’ll say it a million more times helga g pataki is probably one of the most complex, interesting, well written female character EVER on any show i owe craig bartlett my entire life. 

soft; describe your favourite spot in your house: the dining room its huge and its got big windows i love looking out windows so when i write i like sitting at the table to look out every now and then sometimes i’ll just look out that window when i wake up and be like damn its a new day. 

toot; what is something you find unique about yourself?: hmmm…. i guess how idealistic i am. and how intense i feel about things. when i was a kid i thought everyone had strong feelings about something and just LOVED things all the time but getting older i realize being passionate about things esp things like books and tv and movies is really………. odd haha. like even now i will type paragraphs about a favorite movie or something that happened in a show and my friends will be like why are u like this. the same goes with how idealistic i am like thought it was normal to have so many things u want to do and see in the world but when i talk to my friends theyre like oh i just never thought about doing that so it makes me feel odd sometimes bc i know i expecet a lot out of life hahahaha. 

whiffle; if you could have a magical power, what would it be?: either flight or invisibility 

wispy; do you like the place where you grew up? do you think you will live there when you get older?: i LOVE san diego and i LOVE california (in spite of how damn expensive it is here) but even when i was little i didn’t see myself living here as an adult with a family. i just always felt like this world is so big why live in one place your whole life. one day i want to live somewhere green and have my farm with my little animals and soccer team of kids haha. like linda and paul mccartney. 

[nctloveclub]

side 14 || hannah baker

prompt: Hi can you do a Hannah baker x reader. the reader is Hannah’s little sister by a 2 years and adopted just about Hannah leaving the last tape to her nothing bad just telling her she loves her and that it was not her fault that she died nice sisterly tape is that makes since💚

warnings: character death

a/n: i hope you enjoy !! i also suck at titles but as always requests are open and feedback is appreciated , also this is kinda short bc its like straight to the point. ALSO the 14th tape/side isn’t Bryce’s confession just hannahs message to you

You were devastated when you found out about Hannah. She was your older sister and you looked up to her. You were somewhat aware about all the things that had happened to her, you didn’t think she would act like this. You were angry at yourself, you could’ve done something to prevent this if you had just spoken and told your parents. But after Hannah’s death, you went through your week with looks of sadness from other people and at least 5 people telling you, “I’m so sorry for your loss.”

You get people were trying to be nice but really you knew they didn’t really give a fuck, since they were the ones who had believed all the rumors about Hannah. You had also noticed that Clay had started talking to you more, which you found really weird. Since he was Hannah’s best friend and you were pretty sure she liked him. But you went on with your life trying to ignore the pity looks everyone gave you.

Two weeks had passed since Hannah’s death and you came home to a neatly wrapped package on your doorstep. The box had your name on it but no return address or any clue to whom it came from. You brought the wrapped package to your room, opening it to reveal a damaged shoe box. You opened it examining the contents inside, 7 tapes with numbers on them. You took out a tape player you had in your room and put the first tape it, the number 1 showing upward.

You listened to the tapes and finally you reached side 14. You were pretty sure this was your tape and you were nervous as hell and angry. You pressed play on the walkman, and you heard Hannah’s voice. “Hey, welcome to the last tape. Happy you stayed and made it this far. This last side is dedicated my dear sister Y/N. I know you feel anxious now Y/N, don’t worry. You didn’t do anything wrong.” Hearing those words made your heartbeat slow down.

“Yeah I know. Why put someone who had nothing to do with it on these tapes? This is the same case with helmet. But truly Y/N, I love you. I hope you know I appreciate you helping me but honestly it wasn’t enough. Please know that this wasn’t your fault, I chose to do this and just be happy and move on for me please.“ Tears were streaming down your face at this point, your eyes puffy and your nose stuffed.

"I remember when we adopted you Y/N. I was 6 and you were 4 at the moment. God, I was so excited when I found out that you were gonna be my little sister. That day always brought up my mood. Y/N, you were the best sister I ever had, even though you were my younger sister.” She said laughing a little. “This wasn’t your fault, you deserve to live your life Y/N. I love you Y/N.” The tape stopped, and you sat calmly. You were relieved but also disappointed.

You spent the rest of the day, the tapes back in their shoebox and the box sat in your closet. You thought back on memories of you and Hannah. Her coming back and gushing to you about Justin Foely and her first kiss. Then everything went downhill. You thought that if something had changed you could’ve prevented all of it but you knew nothing would’ve changed. And you were ready to live with it.

[nocturnalnok]

omg omg the new chapter -screams into a pit- my thoughts and interpretations under the cut

Alright so bc I have a late start on the read of the new chapter bc of a stupid migraine I’m gonna compile all of my thoughts here in a list now that I finally got to read it ... this chapter was so damn interesting...

- this chapter is centered in another country which is already something that makes me super interested. a new point of view on ajin science and its history PLUS  a flashback scene kinda? woooow

- ogura centric chapter??? OGURA CHAPTER. never thought I’d be this interested in this guy but yes I AM.

- ok so I read the spoiler translations from laura a buncha days ago and I was already expecting the best for suzuki but YES I LOVE HER and holy damn is she exceeding in my expectations. i’m in love with you and I will protect you at all costs-

- the way they show her waking up and in such intense close-ups is very intriguing to me. has sakurai ever introduced a character this way? makes me think of all those works where they show the protagonist that way in the first episode. she must become very relevant to the story later on (I hope). they could have named this chapter after her tbh it’s what this looks like..

- SHINYA FRIEND GUY is being watched and he is a corpse oops. Flood phenomena getting more relevant and I finally start to understand what it is about damn yeah. flood effecting mortal beings is very intriguing to me.

- also those scenes from chapter 0 in the bg of that one panel.. sakurai connects the first pilot chapter with the main story which makes the manga and its storyline feel more compact, a lot of chapters feel more smooth and connected now

- we get to know more about ogura’s time in the US and the story is not only about Japan anymore. Yes they did mention ajins in other countries too but now we finally GET to see ajins in other countries and how they are being treated.

- US ajins seem to have more “freedom” (at least among the facility...) compared to in Japan where they are literally stuffed away from the dissection table onto “research rooms” where they are tested and killed repeatedly and locked up in tube-like cells that feel more like spaces for corpses being stored in than for living beings. in the facility of maryland, despite being treated as “research samples”, the ajins can walk around freely, their freedom being restricted by GPS bracelets but at least they can presevere a bit of their humanity (they can go buy stuff at stores, talk to other humans, work as scientists and contribute in research, suzuki mentions she acquired more classifications and education after being brought to the US... that’s a hell of a lot more to me than tanaka could do. did he have a proper room or even a bed to sleep in? PROBABLY NOT).

- ogura’s view and stand on things is STILL considered weird even in the US where they have acquired way more knowledge than the Japanese that are having a more ignorant stance on ajin science it seems. (lots of things are considered “fantasies” or of the supernatural whereas the US is trying to find scientific proof...). 

SO I thought whenever ogura was talking about stuff and other characters reacted with ??? that this was a Japanese thing but even an American ajin himself doesn’t get ogura’s words, so it seems he must be the exception among exceptions. Ogura wants to look at things in other angles and look at them simpler. He doesn’t see the flood as a phenomenon with two characteristics (emotions and high density of IBM) but two characteristics that are a result of each other, that are connected. Ogura’s out of the box thinking is unique and he is a damn genius if you ask me.

- The way Ogura interacts with Suzuki is just plain adorable. The fact that he became a researcher is just bc of one simple reason: he is interested. he is also interested in interacing with other ajin. i don’t think he likes to show it that much, but when he speaks with kei or other ajin there is this twinkle in his eyes, he is really excited. I love that.

- “it’s not god holding the dice, it’s humans”. wow I simply love that line. same as “the logic of the universe doesn’t apply to demihumans.” it means that you can’t just research ajins and measure them up to human standards. ajins are different. what humans do to ajin seems like gods, they try to restrict them, put certain restraints on them, even use them. emotions affect an ajin in a way that can’t be applied to humans, ogura understands that.

- Ogura left right after tanaka was taken into custody, which means there is a chance that he has met tanaka with his very own eyes and I’m wondering if tanaka was still mentally stable enough to be aware of that. it could change the way tanaka felt when he was in charge of capturing (kidnapping) ogura that time. What did he feel? And why did Ogura leave right then, was it just a coincidence or was there a reason behind it? ogura mentioned that he always shows up when a new ajin is taken in by the government, so maybe he flew to japan specifically to meet tanaka.

- Ogura is so dramatic af I love that too. his expressions are hella cute too.

- I like Jim’s design and his mannerism a lot. Friends told me he looks like Jesse from breaking bad. now I don’t know anything about the show but the fact that Sakurai probably literally drew this character based on him makes me really want to watch that show.

- suzuki died during a “random attack on the street”. what exactly happened? was is a random shooting? others were involved? what happened to poor suzuki??? she seems really glad to be able to live in the US now.

- ALSO: a hell of a lot of new canon dates which makes the writer in me SO VERY EXCITED.

- all in all a hell of a good chapter that needs to be reread again and again I believe. ^////^

[cursedskull-666]

Things I’d change about Sun/Moon: 

- Have Lusamine be completely responsible for her actions instead of it being brushed off as being because of Nihilego’s neurotoxins. The neurotoxins thing removes her agency completely AND robs her kids of their right to their anger towards her. 

- Make is so that Lillie and Gladion dont feel responsible for their mother. Gladion not feeling like he has to go back to Aether to personally clean up its mess. Hes like...11 and he ran away for a reason. Lillie not feeling like she has to personally take care of her mother. She too is only 11 and ran away for a reason. Also up until that ending Lillie had been slowly gaining confidence and stepping out of her mothers shadow. Lillie and Gladion bonding time would have been better bc they have only just reunited after being apart for two years and a lot has changed. Maybe they leave for Kanto together instead or something. 

- Lusamine actually should have probably died in the end tbh...(Besides its not the first time Pokemon has killed the Big Bad. I clearly remember Lysandre at the end of X/Y either offed himself OR ended up becoming immortal and is now trapped buried underground forever so...)

- An option to help the Ultra Beasts return home if you want. 

- Having that abandoned Stufful be adoptable. 

- I would have liked if the alternate dimension where you get cosmog had actually been expanded upon. Other than being the way to collect cosmog all it really does is flip the time from AM to PM or vise versa which is a shame because I mean...come on its an ALTERNATE DIMENSION. Theres so much potential in that. I mean at bare minimum it would have been really cool/interesting if things were subtly different enough to be eerie. Eerie music and everything being completely abandoned (no trainers where there usually are, a brief comment box that the tall grass/areas where pokemon appear feel strangely empty/unnaturally quiet, the landscape or various locations seeming just slightly different, etc...) would have been interesting. Maybe with a few hidden items that you can only find in the alternate dimension or something too. Or if there had been people around but they are slightly different too. Everything being different enough to be eerie and creepy and really feel like an alternate dimension. What would be really amazing though would be if there were other post-game side quests involving the alternate world or something. Its just way too cool of a concept to be wasted on just being a means to collect another cosmog.  

- Other characters getting more time and being developed upon more. We dont really see Gladion that much and he is barely involved and then completely swept aside at the end so considering he is LUSAMINES SON it would have been nice to see more of him/encounter him more throughout the game and its story. Same goes for many other characters. Also Professor Burnet. Would have thought she would feature more tbh considering her speciality was to do with portals and stuff. 

- A happier ending for Team Skull. At the end, post-game Team Skull and Po Town are still exactly the same. Plumeria clearly goes through some change and when you buy the Team Skull Tank from the two grunts in the Po Town pokecentre they vanish after saying the money will help them start over so its implied they get a good ending of sorts but it really would be nice to see some change for Po Town. To see Team Skull sorting themselves out and Po Town looking a bit better. (Also would LOVE to have an explanation for why Po Town is completely encased in such high walls.)

- Bring back bicycles or skates.The pokemon rides were great and had their purposes as an awesome alternative for the HM system but they didnt really cut it as replacements for the fast transportation provided by bikes and skates. Also make the music for riding pokemon less annoying AND either scrap the riding suits or redesign them so they arent so ugly.

- Theres probably more stuff I’d change but I cant really remember anything else right now. 

I loved Pokemon Sun/Moon so much even with the few issues I had though.