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talkingpointsusa · 7 months

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Ben Shapiro discovers that AI is not always 100% accurate, decides that it must be because of an anti-white conspiracy.

Covering this is embarrassing, even by Ben standards (source: The Ben Shapiro Show on Daily Wire)

This was something that really ticked off the conservative media ecosphere a couple weeks ago that I didn't really get to covering, but I'm doing it now because this story is truly hilarious and shows just how fragile all these people are.

And there are few better sources of someone getting angry over absolutely nothing and displaying pure fragility than Ben Shapiro. Lets get into it.

00:00, Ben Shapiro: "Well folks, we have a giant problem in the area of artificial intelligence. I'm not talking about Terminator 2, the AI is gonna grab control of the nukes and just destroy all of us. What I'm talking about here is the simple fact that artificial intelligence, like all social media, like pretty much all technology ever, is a human creation. And because artificial intelligence is supposed to be some sort of imitator of human intelligence, that means it is going to carry all of our biases."

Yeah Ben, that's why I'm sure you're going to devote an episode of your show to WhatsApp's AI showing images of gun-wielding children when prompted with Palestine or Stable Diffusion demonstrating a streak of perpetuating racial stereotypes (which we'll talk a bit more about later). While Ben is correct that AI does often perpetuate human biases, the story he's covering has absolutely nothing to do with this.

This story is regarding Google Gemini's image generator. Google attempted to subvert those issues that I previously mentioned by tuning the AI to show more diverse results. The problem is that their tuning failed to account for situations where diversity wouldn't make sense, such as images of the founding fathers. The AI was also overly cautious and refused to respond to certain prompts, often ones containing the word "white".

This led to one of the rip-offs of LibsOfTikTok called "EndOfWokeness" attempting to generate an image of the founding fathers and being met with images of racially diverse people. This led to the griftospheres heads collectively exploding and cries of "white erasure" ringing throughout the streets.

In essence, the right threw a massive tantrum over a tech glitch. It has nothing to do with "human bias" like the previous stories I mentioned, it was actually an effort to correct human bias. I feel like anybody who gets mad about this story is both extremely fragile and way too obsessed with the construction of whiteness. That brings me back to Ben Shapiro, who is of course mad about this story.

00:27, Ben Shapiro: "When you hear the tech bros, when you hear people at the top levels of AI, talk about how the 'algorithm' decides things you should understand the algorithm is designed by them. In the same way that you decide what children should be educated with, these people are deciding exactly what the biases are that should be implanted in things like AI."

Yeah, because glitches in technology never happen. Especially in relatively new forms of technology. Always 120% perfect from the get go, therefor this is clearly an instance of an anti-white conspiracy embedded in....an AI image generator for some reason?

If your conspiracy can get discovered by right-wing dimwits on Twitter, it's time to go back to the drawing board. Also, Ben Shapiro went to Harvard so I hope he doesn't genuinely believe this.

01:03, Ben Shapiro: "The reality is that the people who have created AI, they are the creators of the AI, and they have decided what exactly should be embedded in the bias of the AI."

This is one of those lies that's so blatantly hilarious because it's literally the opposite of reality. AI has an anti-white bias, OK Ben.

A 2023 study on Stable Diffusion conducted by researchers at the University of Washington discovered that Stable Diffusion perpetuates racial and sexual stereotypes. One of the findings is that images generated from prompts requesting a person corresponded with white males the most and people from Africa and Asia the least. It also produced sexualized images from prompts requesting women of color.

So in reality, AI usually discriminates the opposite way. Funnily enough, you don't hear Ben Shapiro talking about that.

02:26, Ben Shapiro: "The answer to sort of bias, typically speaking, would be decentralization. A bunch of different AI's, all of which are capable of giving you a different view of the information."

Does Ben not realize that multiple tech companies have all released their own AI's? Hell, his bestie Elon Musk has released an AI that's built into Twitter. While there are a million criticisms of Google, having a monopoly on the AI industry isn't one of them (at least not yet anyways).

03:15, Ben Shapiro: "So the reason this comes to a head today is because there is a new product called Google Gemini that was released by Google and it essentially generates images, one of the things it does --- it generates images. It's an AI that can generate high quality images with simply the stroke of a few keys. S you type in a prompt and you get images."

I don't think Ben made it clear what this thing does but I think it.....generates images? Just a rough guess though.

03:33, Ben Shapiro: "Well yesterday, it broke all across X slash Twitter --- it broke all across that outlet that whatever prompts you entered into Google Gemini, you came away with a set of very left-wing woke biases."

You've got to love how Ben's mind immediately views images depicting people of color as "woke". A bit of telling on yourself there.

04:14, Ben Shapiro: "Google Gemini was obviously pre-programmed with extraordinarily woke biases in favor of quote-on-quote diversity which means anti-white."

Again, this is stupid but it reveals a lot about how Ben views the world.

To him, anything short of 100% white content is "anti-white". If Ben truly was concerned about the biases in AI, why aren't we hearing him talk about the reason Google attempted to correct it in the first place? Namely, that AI images generators have a streak of being biased against people of color.

Ben shows some examples of Google Gemini's "anti-white racism" that were floating around on Twitter. Totally irrelevant, just Ben riffing over images of tweets. What feels like hours later, Ben finally gets back to presenting actual information an arguments.

12:53, Ben Shapiro: "So what exactly happened here? Well, we have a few indicators. So, it turns out that the head of Googles Gemini AI, the person who is the product manager of it, is a person named Jack Krawczyk. Jack Krawczyk has a Twitter feed. His Twitter feed includes quotes such as quote; 'White privilege is f-ing real. Don't be an a-hole and act guilty about it -- do your part in recognizing bias at all levels of egregious.'"

Yeah, this is the other part of this story. Apparently since this AI story was such a big deal, it warranted an investigation into the old tweets of people involved in it's creation. I wonder if Ben has the same problem with Grok given Elon Musk's many right-wing tweets and endorsements.

Outside of that, Jack Krawczyk's old tweets are completely irrelevant, especially considering that Ben Shapiro and his ilk are allegedly massive free-speech warriors. Maybe his beliefs on diversity impacted the initial decision to put safeguards in place so that Gemini could produce more diverse content, but they've rolled the flawed version back now.

Google is first and foremost a business with the intent to make money. Unlike what Ben seems to think, they're not trying to push some sort of anti-white agenda for.....reasons I guess? He never really makes that part clear. What is clear in the real world is that Google's #1 prerogative is making as much money as possible.

Odds are, this decision was less about Jack's personal beliefs and more about avoiding controversy while also increasing the target audience of the people who might engage with the AI. As we already mentioned, Stable Diffusion previously got itself into hot water for having the opposite problem which may have alienated some customers. Google wanted to provide a solution to this issue and it led to a computer glitch.

14:09, Ben Shapiro: "The biases of the makers end up in the product."

I'm not sure if Ben realizes this or not, but the product manager isn't the only person involved in the design of the finish product. What does Ben think happened? Does he think that Jack directed everyone who was involved in the design of Gemini to "make it erase white people"?

14:13, Ben Shapiro: "Do I accept Google Gemini's apology? I do not because I don't think they're going to remove any of the actual prioritization they give to various political biases. I think they're going to leave all the stuff in there and be more subtle about it."

Yeah, the AI's still gonna generate pictures of minorities only now the minorities are hidden in the bodies of white people. Kind of like an AI generated skin suit. Seriously, saying that the AI is going to just be more subtle about it's "various political biases" makes zero sense given the story that Ben is covering.

What the Hell is Ben even talking about?!

15:26, Ben Shapiro: "Now, why does all of this matter?"

It doesn't.

15:27, Ben Shapiro: "Again, it matters because these are the people who are going to be providing all, all, the information to your kids. Your kids are going to learn via computers, they're going to be given their own AI tutors. By the time, if you have very young kids, they enter school these tools are going to be the most commonly used tools in educational systems across the world."

You heard it here first folks, AI image generators are going to be the most commonly used tools in the education system! Naturally we must prevent them from teaching kids about the horrifying reality of people of color existing.

Most schools are the exact opposite and really discourage the usage of AI's such as ChatGPT due to the fact that they can be used for academically dishonest purposes. Ben seems like he's a little bit of a conspiracy crank when it comes to AI. Lets continue.

15:57, Ben Shapiro: "If you want a good argument for example, in favor of the pro-life position AI will stop you if these people are in charge."

Wrong, it's almost as if Ben is completely full of shit.

16:14, Ben Shapiro: "Joe Biden issued an executive order, this was October 30th, 2023, he issued an executive order on Safe Secure and Trustworthy Artificial Intelligence. And, as always, whenever the government says something --- when they create a bill like the Inflation Reduction Act, it ain't about reducing inflation and here when they say it's about the safety of AI it's not about the safety of AI. It is about controlling the direction in which AI develops and preventing alternatives from developing. So for example, this particular executive order, this is the White House website, it specifically says in here that one of the goals of the White House in advancing AI is quote 'advancing equity and civil rights'. Quote, 'Irresponsible uses of AI can lead to and deepen discrimination, bias, and other abuses in justice, healthcare, and housing. The Biden-Harris administration has already taken action by publishing the blueprint for an AI bill of rights and issuing an executive order directing agencies to combat algorithmic discrimination while enforcing existing authorities to protect peoples rights and safety.'"

Yeah, this is about hate speech. It isn't about generating arguments for the pro-life position, as you can see I clearly can generate arguments to Conservative positions. What I can't generate is arguments about why Hitler was actually good, and rightfully so. Also, if Ben scrolled down just a little bit further he'd find a section called "Promoting Innovation and Competition". Here's what it says.

Oops, sounds like exactly what Ben said should be put in place when he was blathering on about "decentralization". But hey, doesn't fit the narrative so we'll just ignore that part.

18:09, Ben Shapiro: "Now, what ends up happening very often is that the same exact people who talk about how they need to cure AI of their unconscious bias, they're the ones from whom the bias springs, they want the bias in there, and they want to cut off alternative mechanisms that have alternative biases."

Again, a computer glitch and now an executive order that doesn't say what Ben thinks it says are the pieces of evidence that he has here. I'm starting to understand why Ben didn't make it as a lawyer.

19:02, Ben Shapiro: "Google Gemini is an Orwellian 1984 tool, it is a memory hole. And the attempt to cure it is going to make it more of a memory hole because it's just gonna make it more subtle. It'll be more historically accurate, so when it says depict a German soldier it will still depict a Nazi soldier from 1939. But when it says depict a family it will give you every form of gender diverse family you can imagine as opposed to you know what most people mean by family and what family has historically meant, namely 'dad, mom, child.' It won't do that, it'll say it's discriminatory."

Nothing screams Orwellian quite like.....more diverse information.

Conclusion:

Ben Shapiro has the same understanding of AI as your average 12 year old. This was just painfully daft, even by Ben Shapiro standards. I for one welcome our extremely diverse AI dystopia brought on by a tech glitch!

Cheers and I'll see you in the next one!

#right wing bullshit #ai #google gemini #conservative bullshit #ben shapiro #right wing stupidity #daily wire #fact checking #journalism #disinformation #politics #debunking

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feelingofcontent · 3 years

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DNP Rewatch: Dan and Phil Video Bloopers 2017!

Date video was published: 01/10/2018 (X)

DNP Main Channel Rewatch: 368

The first 2018 video! Though it’s mostly clips from 2017, haha. They had done the blooper video for DAPG not too long before this, so Phil probably had that in mind when he thought of this.

0:03 - poor Phil. he often seems to get sick in early January after the holidays

0:15 - so much shaky cam

0:24 - weird to see clips from back at the old apartment! this is from Phil’s first video of 2017, 2017 WANTS ME DEAD

0:26 - pretty good at getting back into it after laughing at himself

0:28 - love that Phil does not know the line he himself must have written 😂 ...unless Dan wrote it. which is possible

0:41 - they find themselves so funny; I love it

0:49 - and from the Interactive Introverts announcement

0:51 - “the sitting” haha. works though!

0:53 - back to 2017 WANTS ME DEAD. that one was minor enough I’m surprised he didn’t just leave it in

1:01 - and from My DNA Test Results. Phil has more bloopers from scripted content than not, it seems

1:10 - LMAO, the nonsense that he than made even weirder in editing from Why I can’t go back to the gym..

1:25 - adore Dan singing out of nowhere. this is from filming My Evil Piano Teacher. they were so done with that apartment by then

1:45 - he did leave most of this in the actual PREDICTING MY FUTURE! video

1:49 - more II announcement. Phil with his off-camera voice there

1:57 - “you’re doing a lot of this.” “good. I love finger guns” I love it

2:01 - and back to 2017 WANTS ME DEAD video again. he had a lot of clips from that one! maybe because it had a lot of skits

2:04 - is Dan really helping or is he just there to make Phil laugh. god 🥺

2:10 - and piano video. that is a scary Dan face

2:14 - actually shocked there weren’t more bloopers from Viewers Pick My Outfits! but maybe they weren’t YouTube suitable

2:17 - and DIY GLOW IN THE DARK FLUFFY SLIME! I feel Phil with just not being able to speak some days

2:25 - they do not like that bright light at all...Phil put that clip in solely for dramatic-Dan I think

2:27 - and this one! 😂

2:31 - and some DAPG bloopers too! from after they released that blooper video. Love the insight into getting a thumbnail image; so strange though!

2:39 - and What NOT to do at University. this is quite the set-up for a 5-or-so-second clip in the video

2:57 - more of this! so many takes.

3:06 - and from the other Truth Bombs video. I wonder if they recorded two games and then chose which one to use.

3:10 - love Hazel’s deadpan read of that 😂

3:28 - this whole conversation is fantastic

3:33 - Phil’s decisive yes after Dan talking about his laptop, yikes

3:40 - DNP will go back and forth on a joke for forever and apparently other people being there just makes it worse

3:56 - “my face hurts” ahahaha Phil

4:08 - cute ending there

4:22 - slowly slouching further down on the couch

Love this because it is funny and like a “2017 videos year-in-review.” I wish Phil would post more bloopers as Shorts or something now!

#dan and phil #dnp #dnpRewatch #amazingphil #daniel howell #phil lester #danisnotonfire #amazingphil videos #Dan and Phil Video Bloopers 2017!

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accio-victuuri · 4 years

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2017 BJYX Timeline : At First Sight.

Everything starts with a blank canvass. Oh we painted each others lives inch by inch. from black, gray and blue to colors we never thought existed. Two photos from different places, longing to be one.

Let’s start from the beginning of this whirlwind timeline. There will be very minimal interaction between our boys, but this will also be a good time to see how they were before working together. I wanted to paint a picture of XNINE’s Xiao Zhan and Idol Wang Yibo. Before their names got tied to the Untamed and each other.

They were doing their own thing, working hard with their careers, no clue that one chance meeting will be so important. Warning, this post is video links, image and information heavy. I am missing some stuff because this hell site refuses to save things and continues to glitch.

🡆 MARCH 2017

03242017 : The story starts when XNINE was a guest in Day Day Up. When asked, they always say that this is the first time they met. However, they did not interact at all.

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But there are definitely times on this episode where they pay attention to each other and it’s so cute. You can find different videos that will highlight these moments better than any screencaps can.

1. Web Stealing a glance at GG

2. First meeting

3. Gun heart - This is the gesture GG used when he introduced himself. The hosts all imitated him and teased, that included Web who smiled too. The same love gesture will be seen in the following years as “their thing”.

4. Doing the same steps for the dance.

5. Web allowing GG to pass and did not lift up the bamboo to trap him when it’s his turn.

6. Red string of Fate

7. Love at first sight-ology

When asked about this shooting, especially the segment when they were in the fields— GG said it was too cold. There is also CPN that the bag Web was using was GG’s.

03252017: Yin Yue V-Chart Interview with XNINE. GG talking about being scolded for not updating his video diaries and updating his fans. 😂 On the same day that this interview came out, he posted a selfie.

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🡆 APRIL 2017

04022017 : XNINE shanghai concert - BE A MAN. blessing us with this dance from GG. The next one is the one that the Untamed Cast were watching. He also posted a selfie for this night.

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Full video of the concert

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04082017 : The Wolf starts filming. According to GG, this is the drama that made him decide to really be an actor.

04092017 : Web attends the 17th Top Chinese Music Awards and wins Best New Idol. This also blessed us with the blindfold dance.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AW9gM7tfyFM

04132017: Southern Metropolis Entertainment Interview - XNINE. GG sings Jay Chou’s Love confession on this one ( I died ). We also see his very shy side when people say that he is the Visual of the group. Also, LOL at Peng Chuyue’s face when GG says this.

https://youtu.be/X8Xoax8dIHM

04162017: Posts a selfie on set of The Wolf in the blistering cold.

04242017: XNINE “Say No” BTS is released.

https://youtu.be/wU_tKzK64Ns

04252017: GG posts a selfie.

04282017 : Release of Single “Say No” - XNINE

04292017 : Wang Yibo X Guan Xiaoton release of the song Once Again for the Once Again OST.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t0TT8y7VXNk

🡆 MAY 2017

05072017: GG posts himself with that stubble.

05292017: Another selfie in specs.

🡆 JUNE 2017

060172017 : Both GG and Web posted selfies for Children’s Day.

06082017: Zhelife

06222017: Another selfie. I’m side eyeing the date this was posted wtf. 622.

06232017 : Posted alot of selfies this time. This is one of those.

🡆 JULY 2017

072017 - Filming for GG’s “Battle through the Heavens” has ended where played the role of Lin Xiuya.

07032017 : GG posted a bare face selfie, wearing Stussy!

07032017: Adidas NEO CF for Web

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BNYqVa58mgg

07102017 : Web CF for Estee Lauder. Our boi in shorts and white shorts, using estee lauder in the morning.

https://youtu.be/xeTT0QR_iKs

07192017: Idol Interview - XNINE @ Asian Music Gala. They won the Most Popular Group award. This is Where you can see a very quiet GG who does not speak at all. https://youtu.be/7dwA6WwD-5c

07202017: Cute selfie.

07272017: Posted a selfie photoset which includes the photo he sent to Web, apparently, in 2018. I’m a love at first sight believer, so I don’t buy the story that this was only sent in 2018. hahahah! don’t believe me.

🡆 AUGUST 2017

08042017: GG posted a Happy Birthday message to DDU for their anniversary. DDU weibo account responded with :

“Thank you handsome and attractive little zhan zhan! ( btw little Day Day won’t tell you that a colleague of us already became your fan. )”

08082017 : XNINE Metersbonwe photoshoot.

https://youtu.be/jM9lla6aF08

08152017: Episode 1 of Love Actually Drama aired with Web acting alongside Joe Chen. He played the role of Zhai Zhiwei who is an IT genius.

08162017 : First episode of the TV program "When we were young" airing. Web guest starred on this, for episodes 16-17 and played the role of Lin Jiayi.

08242017 : Web shoot for Once Again MV the making released.

https://youtu.be/-yn_st5vOO0

08252017: XNINE “be strong girl” campaign message. Have some encouraging words from GG.

08272017 : XNINE performs at Fresh Asia Awards.

https://youtu.be/PzGlTQ3Fga0

08302017 : “Unsurpassed Conference” ; Where we got this absolute gem of him not wanting to talk but ended up being a host on DDU.

Web : I don’t really like talking

Host : so you went to DDU

Web : I don’t know why I went too..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WjO5vIfD_PQ

🡆 SEPTEMBER 2017.

09052017 : Wang Yibo and Joe Chen video in an Amusement Park shooting the drama “Love Actually”.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=__gIWih39Is

09162017 : Wang Yibo attended the “2017 Asian Influence Awards Ceremony.” and won Best New actor.

09222017: Web interview and photo shoot for Hey idol. This shoot is responsible for that photo where Web eats an orange like an Apple.

https://youtu.be/wCqVxog9i18

09232017: Selfie time again

09262017: Web and Wenhan represent UNIQ as they perform in TV Online Video Influence Ceremony

https://youtu.be/lc_cvlLtSaA

09272017: Web AD for KFC. Please watch this. He looks good in Yellow- dancing and eating chicken. I STAN THIS BOI!

https://youtu.be/ABH3BfZf4dg

🡆 OCTOBER 2017

10102017: Posted cute selfies with him as a cat and a Pig. hmmm. pig?

🡆 NOVEMBER 2017

11072017: Web’s Just Dance single is announced. This is the Theme song of 4th Xuan Wu Festival

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uvsyOxC6cs4

11092017 : Filming of Oh My Emperor has finished. GG plays the role of Bei Tang Moran in this drama that will be broadcast in 2018.

11092017 : Web attends the Ifeng Fashion show event where he won Most Popular New Actor.

11162017 : Web recording the song “just Dance”. does the clothes he’s wearing remind you of another recording session?

11212017 : Web x Fashionable Photoshoot

11262017 : Attending and performing in Star Night of Mister Inke. His style in this one is really Joker-like.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=75wtl-JAjis

🡆 DECEMBER 2017

2020 : Web is cast in the science fiction drama Super Talent/ My strange friend.

12032027: XNINE performs “ We want what we want”.

https://youtu.be/IJNIgPl8ImI

12032017: Web performs JUST DANCE in Tencent Games Carnival.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rbIzvMut2CY

12092017: Photoshoot with Rayli

12122017: Photoshoot with Cheese Fashion

12132017: Photoshoot with NTSnap

12142017 : BEST TASTE releases one of it’s short films that include Wang Yibo. We see two personas in this feature and it’s really interesting.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YP83-bEOEv0

This one called “耳” Ear; about sounds. [What we heard can’t take away by time 🕙 ]all the good memories when we were a child, some one them we might not be able to remember what happened, but when you hear the sound/voice of them, they trigger our memories

12152017: Volunteer Union photoshoot / campaign

12172017 : Attending Tencent Star Charity Night

12202017 : Photoshoot feature with our street style AKA everyone's favorite Web flower boi spread.

12222017: "Just Dance" single MV release

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=asb8I3oqG00

12222017 : Winter solstice post from both of them. Talking about eating tangyuan. It’s of those mirroring posts, but again, could just be coincidence that they posted something similar.

12312017 : Web Participates in Hunan TV’s new year countdown as a Host.

*** Note 01 : In 2017, XNINE was transferred from EE media to Long Danni’s Wajijiwa Ent. Company. Some initial problems that they had was that their company was more interested in promoting them as actors and not as an idol group. They were also not kept safe in public venues which will be a recurring issue to GG as we go along other timelines.

*** Note 02 : I wanted to add Web’s Rossi posts and more pictures but it won’t save (will try again at a later date, but I think Web’s awards and projects are more important to highlight here). LOL. Thankfully, GG’s selfies worked. I mainly added stuff that they did in 2017 to give a sense of where they were career-wise.

*** Note 03 : Looking at how this timeline turned into a monster, I will probably split the 2018 timeline into two parts. Forever Summer Part I & Forever Summer Part 2. Seeing the amount of Activity these two did in 2018 alone is STAGGERING. Plus, this site is glitching with all the content when I save it so splitting it might be better. if you have suggestions, let me know.

#yizhan #bjyx #bjyx timeline

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spencer-reids-adventures · 3 years

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Hello, in honour of your great reidictionary of episodes seasons 7-onwards I thought I'd share my masterlist of all Reid-inclined episodes:

1×06 Reid kills his first unsub. Baby's first kill

2×01 Reid catches on fire. The first ever appearance of the baddest milf in town

2×11 Reid meets a boy who is mentally fucked up (personal fav)

2×15 Reid is kidnapped and tortured

2×16 Reid struggles with the results of being kidnapped and tortured

2×17 Reid struggles with addiction resulting of being kidnapped and tortured

3×16 Reid talks about his bullying and subsequently goes hogshit in front of a teen with a gun and emotional baggage

4×03 Reid is held hostage and beat up and then blown up. His hair also gets tossled nicely like a ceaser salad

4×06 Reid is having nightmares and his past makes an appearance. He hugs a child and runs fucked uppedly

4×07 Reid thinks his father who left him to fend for himself murdered and killed a little boy when he was 4

4×24 the boy gets KOd by a leaf, receives lung damage, almost dies and briefly resembles that cat from this image is slaughtering me

5×01 Reid is shot

6×12 Reid starts having migraines and hallucinations. Baby's first medical scare

7×02 Reid finds out Prentiss isn’t dead and gets like really mad

8×12 Reid's GF dies

11×11 Entropy. Need I say more?

12×13 Reid is framed for a murder in Mexico and is sent to prison. The beginning of the end

12×22 Reid has to confront Cat again. Also he thinks he’s raped and that his mother died

>There are many after season 12 however I will not name them because I will not watch those godforsaken seasons

YESS THANK YOU THIS IS GLORIOUS!!!!

also i'm dying at "4×03 Reid is held hostage and beat up and then blown up. His hair also gets tossled nicely like a ceaser salad" lmao

I'm on board with seasons 13-15 because i just treat them like post-canon fanfiction... :) :)

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thesuitelife547 · 4 years

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My ONF MV Theory Thoughts

So this is probably long and wordy so I’d just like to warn anyone ahead of time. I broke it down by listing the MVs in the order that I think they belong in (it’s almost the order that they released them surprisingly) and the reasons behind what I thought the storyline was in relation to an overall storyline and pretty much why I put them in that order. If anyone has any questions about what I said, questions in general, or thoughts about the MVs and your own theories, feel free to reach out!

I did actually put a condensed version of what I think is going on in the MVs first and then got further in depth, going through each music video, in the section after.

Thanks!

- Marisa

My Thoughts on the MV Storyline (Condensed)

Overall, my thoughts about the MVs is that ONF were originally humans that were recruited through Laun, who was already an android/robot, to join an organization to help take over the earth or to destroy it (Complete & ON/OFF). In that process they would also become part androids/robots. Over time they begin to see their impact and after the disappearance of Laun, of which they searched all over and couldn’t find him (We Must Love), they begin to see the effects of their decisions and perhaps come to regret ever joining an organization so they begin to rebel (Why) in the dystopia of the world that they’ve created. In the end, alternates are sent in to fix the problem and what happens is that they decide to jump to another timeline (Sukhumvit Swimming). It is through that timeline that they get to a completely revolutionized future and create identities for themselves (My Name Is). They are then in a stronger position to fight against the organization that has been seeking them out ever since they jumped ship to create the world that they see fit (Beautiful Beautiful).

My Thoughts on the MV and Order (In Depth)

Complete

It seems very normal in a way? Yeah there are things coming down from the sky and they have transmissions, rockets, and a globe, but if I were to tie it in to the rest of their MVs, it would be that this one is the one where they’re observing Earth. Other than the objects around them, it doesn’t really seem like there’s much in them having to do anything. Another one of my thoughts is that maybe this is their alternate “normal” dimension, as in the one where they aren’t robots. We later see in Why that Wyatt gets cloned, supposedly, something like that could’ve happened to them as well. Another theory is that this MV could also be a case of them being observed to see if they’re a good fit for the organization before they actually get committed to doing anything.

Another thing to point out is that none of them have those fancy computer watches and they aren’t really doing anything within their sort of “powers” of these MVs. Yes, I know it could be before they thought about using something like that but for the sake of the storyline, that’s what I’m going with. Other than Laun, who we see as the first one to use the flare gun, or whatever it was, and the one to do something with the rocket, there’s really nothing else besides some stuff sitting around that they go through. Before he used it, there was a shot of everyone on the roof, besides him, looking up to the sky. Wyatt was the only other one that wasn’t there but he uses the smoke signal, I think, after.

Therefore I’m going to take it as Laun was the leader of all of this stuff. He could’ve been the main android/robot collecting data and that’s why he was so important in the other MVs and why the other guys were so desperately trying to search for him. He probably had some sort of knowledge about what was going on, maybe.

If we were to go off of the lyrics of the song, the song tells the other person that they complete them, so maybe, in perspective of the MV, is it Laun who completes them and introduces them to the world beyond which they knew?

ON/OFF

I see this MV as the sort of transportation MV. After the guys have already left Earth, they’re now being introduced to the world and perhaps they’re starting to be converted to sort of androids/robots. I take that from the mark on Hyojin’s neck being faint. I believe that Laun probably is already one, hence him sleeping in the room and being isolated from everyone else as they look on, he was getting recharged or uploading the data that he knew to the computer system, which is why there was an uploading screen during the music video.

Because the guys are still kind of human, that’s why they’re just doing normal things and why they don’t really interact with Laun during the music video. They’re exploring the contents of the place they’ve now entered and are getting a better feel for the world that they are now entering. Laun, on the other hand, probably needs to be protected since he’s the one with the information and the one who puts the disk into the machine, the rocket looking thing. It’s probably his information that he’s uploaded onto the system so it would know and could thereby send out more rockets, perhaps? If those things in the sky were maybe rockets.

One thing that is interesting is the mirror that says ‘My Name Is’ and where Laun puts a picture of himself. I’m assuming that perhaps he was once human and doesn’t want to forget that once human side of himself. Laun is also seen wearing a school uniform type outfit at one point during the MV, when he’s putting the information into the rocket, and it seems like when he faints on the ground the other guys are wearing something similar, too. Perhaps he fainted because of an overdrive or he ran out of battery? Hence him lying in the room by himself because he needs to recharge?

Lyrically, the lyrics say that “You’re my producer” and “Make me into your man, I’m yours.” In the perspective of the storyline, they could be taken as the guys are fully giving themselves to the project at hand, resigning themselves to be created however the person controlling them wants. Also, obviously, they talk about being turned on and off, which, if they were made into robots and androids, could probably be done to them.

We Must Love

By this point, the guys are seeing the sort of consequences that come with their actions. The first scene of the colorful earth turning into a dystopia type land with, what I’m now calling rockets, raining down on the sky, and MK watching on shows that they’re not surprised that any of that is happening. Yet because of the world beginning to fall apart, this is where I think that it all starts to break down, and how it turns into the world in Why. Perhaps they didn’t know that things would turn out like this or perhaps they didn’t realize that things would get that bad, either way, I think that during this entire duration they’re finally realized just how badly things have gotten and what they’ve actually gotten themselves into.

That’s why it’s so important for them to find Laun. He’s probably the glue that holds it together, holds them all together, and that’s why they’re frantic to find him all by using their specialties that they’ve been trained in. It becomes a theme for them, especially in Why and then it can be seen in Beautiful Beautiful, too. Hyojin is the one who can teleport, kind of, J-Us is the information hacker, MK is the machine/system hacker, and Wyatt is the one with the motorcycle but I don’t know what that does yet. Both E-Tion and U seem like they’re the ones to manipulate machines.

I don’t think Laun just got up and disappeared, though. In the context of the MV, in the scene where everyone is running to him, he’s fiddling with the watch and then disappears. I think it’s important to point out that the guys are all wearing a school uniform type outfit, similar to the school uniform outfit that they wore in ON/OFF and the one that Laun wore as well when he was putting the information into the rocket. From U’s past memory about them, they were all probably in class together to learn about their specialties and what their true missions were. So when they’re all searching for Laun, some time has probably passed since they no longer have to attend those lessons.

But anyway, I think Laun might’ve traveled back into the past. On a scene with J-Us in the room that Laun was in, there was a warning on the screen behind him at one point that said time travel was being operated. If the other holds true, that Laun disappeared before they were even out in the world, it could mean that he’s still time traveling, or at least someone is. I like to think that it’s him for really one reason.

That potential reason is because of the scene at the train station with E-Tion finding him. What I think E-Tion finds is a different version of Laun, which is why he looks so calm and is just reading a book. If Laun did go to the past and change the timeline, then it could be presumed that the current Laun of that time might not be doing what he was originally doing. That may also be the reason why, at the end of the MV, he turns to look back at Hyojin but it doesn’t seem like he has any recollection about him. He does still have the mark on his neck, though, which means he might not be entirely free from fate. He could’ve been assigned to do something else in that timeline. When J-Us hacked into information about Laun, it did say that his address was Universe 01 but we don’t know what universe the guys are in. Another theory is that maybe it’s the guys that are time traveling, but I don’t really think so. They could potentially be jumping around to different timelines looking for Laun but I don’t think they’d ever find the true Laun that they’re searching for.

Another reason for Laun’s disappearance could be that he was tired of it. He was looking at the image of the whale swimming with a blank expression so maybe he wanted to be free like the whale swimming in the ocean instead of sheltered and used, like what was seen in the ON/OFF MV. Instead of just being used, he wanted to simply live his life. But like I mentioned, he still has the barcode on when they find, who I’m assuming, is that timeline’s Laun, so maybe he can’t truly escape it but can pretend like it doesn’t exist and try to forge a new lifestyle for himself.

However, on the same line, I do think that Laun probably remembered Hyojin but chose not to do anything or show any recognition if he’s jumping around on the same timeline. Was it for Hyojin’s own good? Or for his? It did seem like he sensed someone on the other side of the train station where E-Tion was and honestly, that would probably be the only other explanation for the mark on his neck still being there if he were to travel to a different time. That would also explain why the guys still have memories of him even if he traveled back and changed the timelines. They’ve also become part androids in the process and are unaffected by the changing of the timelines because they also have the ability to change them. Therefore, rather than maybe Laun not remembering E-Tion at the train station, we don’t actually know because he never saw him. Or maybe it would’ve been another situation like with Hyojin, he could just pretend like he doesn’t.

Hyojin did have a vision of a happy Laun reading a book in the forest only to have a memory of him crying before he rested on the train. Hyojin is on a lot of trains. But anyway, the scene of happy Laun could have been one that was sent to Hyojin to remember him by while the scene with his tears could’ve been the reality.

But out of all of the MVs so far, the lyrics I think really relate with the story of Laun disappearing. The lyrics talk about strange things happening since they met the other person wondering if they lost their memories of the past, future, or even of a different world and also expresses their confusion because they don’t actually know what happened.

Why

There’s really one main reason why I think Why comes after We Must Love and that’s because of the setting. By this point the guys are seemingly against each other compared to when they were in We Must Love and seemingly working together to find Laun. Or at least that was how it seemed. We never actually did see them together throughout the MV, but it did seem like they all cared for him and were aiming for the same kind of goal. This MV clearly shows us that they’re no longer on the same side. E-Tion threatens U and J-Us threatens Hyojin. Those two even have a fight. Also, it showed that Hyojin and J-Us were once friends with one another, they were both looking out on the city together, but I think that as their opinions about their situation became divided, there was a split in them. Therefore they’re all looking for the same thing but for different reasons.

I think this MV has split them up into the On and Off teams. While I’m not positive who is on what side, I do think that maybe Hyojin is on the side of whatever organization they’re in and I’m basing that off of him still having a mark on his neck, only this time it’s darker than what it was in the ON/OFF MV. That could mean that he’s completely become an android and one of them, but I also have another theory that I’ll get into later. Anyway, it could also be said that that’s the same as Wyatt, who they seemed to be cloning and who did have an android/computer systems back. However, that would be an android Wyatt and not the real Wyatt since he throws the key away. I attribute to the Off team working against the organization.

But there are points when it seems like maybe everything is not that black and white. MK is using the googles which sends out beams into the world but the next scene is time reversing itself as those rockets seem to be moving back up into the air very slowly. Perhaps MK was the one to end up reversing those rockets, I’m still calling them rockets, falling from the sky. That could also be the reason why an alternate Hyojin comes and makes the current Hyojin disappear along with the city at the end and the rockets still coming down. Maybe the On team were getting swayed to change sides therefore an alternate Hyojin was sent in to fix the problem to make things go down the path they intended to be. That could also be why Wyatt was being cloned. If they needed another person to help fulfill their missions, they could substitute him. But the theory about an alternative Hyojin is why the mark on his neck could be dark. This alternate Hyojin has committed to the organization to do its bidding, including ridding the world of his old self.

But then how does it all relate if he gets rid of his old self and I said that I don’t think they’re affected by time traveling? It’s because I do think that there are multiple timelines and universes. That was shown by them having Laun’s address in Universe 01. With that information it can be presumed that maybe other versions of themselves live in other universes, only they take on different lives. So even if alternate Hyojin destroys this timeline’s Hyojin, that doesn’t mean that he’s gone forever. There could be an infinite amount of universes. It’s just for the particular timeline we’re in, Hyojin has walked down the path of joining the organization and potentially becoming a rebel. If the organization that they’re working for wants to take over/destroy the world, then they need to get rid of this timeline’s Hyojin to achieve their goal. The Hyojin’s of other timelines could be doing something different. Near the end of the MV we do see mirror worlds of each other, one on the top of the screen and one on the bottom. It could be that those worlds exist in different timelines and universes. The time traveling and remembering could pertain to only their timeline. They would need other means to jump into other timelines, which I’ll mention later.

On the other hand, if the Off team is the rebellion, it doesn’t add up why U didn’t do anything when he went to see the cloned Wyatt and was caught by E-Tion. Maybe he wanted to see the progress or maybe he did end up doing something? I do think that it was U who told E-Tion maybe the true reason why things were happening when they were at the abandoned building and why E-Tion looked so distraught and still sat there after U left. One interesting thing is that there’s a blue flower behind E-Tion and in the Sukhumvit Swimming MV, he plays with a blue flower on the moon.

Another interesting thing is that MK has the googles in this MV that make things into a static rainbow spectrum of color. I think Wyatt ends up getting those goggles in Beautiful Beautiful but I’ll touch on that when I get to that MV. Honestly, there are so many snippets of things that are scattered around MV to MV like the blue flower, googles, the globes, the red looking record player, and the red box that Hyojin goes towards. A lot of things are similar and are carried over which I think is also an interesting way to tie the MVs together.

But going back to the storyline, other reasons why I think the Off team is against the organization is because U did run from the police when he was in the museum type location and it seemed like he was desperately looking for information when he was in the room with the computer and going through the CDs. Also, when Hyojin and J-Us have their showdown with J-Us pointing a gun at Hyojin, all of the masked people come from Hyojin’s side. I would assume that those people are also workers for the organization and that’s why he has such numbers that are able to be on his side. As for Wyatt, he was the one who threw away the key. Not sure what he would’ve done with it otherwise, but it was probably a part of the overall picture of whatever the ultimate goal was.

Overall, I think this MV is about how they were separate but how they’re slowly looking towards the same goals and slowly coming together, since there are some scenes of them all being on the roof together from above. While they’re all still far away from each other, maybe they don’t truly trust each other, it’s possible to say that the Off team was successful in creating rebels out of the On team.

In the lyrics for the chorus, they talk about someone being dangerous and how they’re breaking down the person and also pulling them deeper. It could be said that the organization that they are a part of is continuing to hurt them the longer they stay connected to it and they’ve come to that realization that they need to separate from it for the betterment of themselves.

One thing that I’d like to mention before going into the next MV that I think is in line is that I think the googles that MK has help them jump through or transport through, including maybe the watches but I only saw E-Tion with one this MV, unless I missed others. The googles that MK has created a door for both Wyatt and E-Tion. The goggles showed MK a combined red and blue door and it presented a red one for Wyatt and blue for E-Tion. Maybe that was somehow showing that the two teams should be combined? That they’d work stronger together?

Sukhumvit Swimming

The reason why I mentioned the googles and using them for jumping through is because it could be that they used the googles to jump to another timeline, where Sukhumvit Swimming comes in. Yet I don’t think that it’s just any simple timeline. Based on the scenes of Wyatt driving, those computerized backgrounds, it could be said that maybe they are in between timelines, like they have no definitive place anywhere. Sidenote, those same computerized backgrounds are shown on the screens of the place that U is in, I believe, too. Back to the point, but that’s why images of things that have happened in the past keep appearing through this MV like the red record player, the scene of the hallway where it seemed like that’s the same hallway that Laun disappeared in, the globe, and the dystopian city.

That could also be a reason why E-Tion is looking down at the earth and scenes are bigger behind them. Because they’re not in any particular timeline, they’re looking at things from an outsiders’ perspective. Also, there are scenes of what seems like barcodes dropping quite frequently. That could symbolize that they’ve decided to forgo their past android/robot identities and move forward with their lives as they try to find a new place to restart their lives.

I think I did hear somewhere that in this MV Hyojin is trying to steal time, which is why J-Us comes to stop him on the train and why time stops when he enters. That could potentially relate to his need to find out where Laun went therefore maybe he thought that if he were able to steal time before actually entering any timeline, he’d be able to manipulate it the way that he wants to find out where he went and perhaps reverse what they had done in the other timeline of the dystopia reality. But how is Hyojin here if he disappeared in the other timeline with the city? This would just be another Hyojin from a different dimension and universe.

Even though I think they’re jumping timelines in this storyline, they still have remnants of the past such as E-Tion and the blue flower that was in Why, MK being surrounded by computer monitors, and J-Us and the dystopia city behind him. What may become important later is that in one scene, there looks to be an android arm that is on the ground in J-Us’s dystopian city ruins. Those androids probably relate to Beautiful Beautiful so maybe there is a timeline when those androids are destroyed?

Contextually, Sukhumvit is one of the longest roads/boulevards in the world. That meaning could tie in together with the guys jumping timelines as they go down a long road to find the right one. That could also be why they’re all dressed up as something different. They’ve probably experienced different paths on their way to find the right one that will allow them to fight back with the organization they’re rebelling against. That could also explain why in some scenes time is going forward and in others, time is going backwards. Plus, the song also explains going on a trip and traveling which ties into what they’re doing story wise. It could be said that they’re swimming through the universes and timelines.

Also, at the end of the MV, we can see that the bullets that Hyojin and J-Us shot are reversed and then time starts up again. That could show that whatever happened during their trip wouldn’t stay permanent since they’re like in the in-between where time has been temporarily frozen.

My Name Is

As it pertains to the story, I see My Name Is as the part where they’ve finally reached the timeline they want and where they establish themselves as a group and reassert their bonds with one another. After they were no longer working on the same side temporarily in Why, this MV relates to the story as them reiterating that they are working together now in their new timeline and universe. By creating identities for themselves they’re also showing that they plan on staying in this timeline to fulfill their duties.

Beautiful Beautiful

The reason why I think Beautiful Beautiful is the last one in the timeline, as in the most current, is a similar reason as to why I put Why after We Must Love, and that is the setting. Beautiful Beautiful seemingly takes place in what I see as a revolutionized future. In Why and Sukhumvit Swimming, there were some flying cars, or flying somethings, in the MVs but in the case of Why and We Must Love, those were almost dystopian worlds that were getting destroyed. Reversely, in my opinion, Beautiful Beautiful takes place in a world where the organization has won.

But then why is it more futuristic looking? One reason could be because when jumping timelines in Sukhumvit Swimming, they went farther into the future. Another reason could be that after destroying the current world in Why and We Must Love, the organization decided to rebuild the city from the ground up to make it exactly the way they wanted. But then why would the guys choose to go to a timeline when the opposition wins? Well, I think it’s because that no matter what timeline they go to, in some way, the opposition will always win. In the end it could be seen that it’d just be better to go further into the future where they have more resources and probably know more about themselves and have more faith in their skills to defeat them.

Like in previous MVs, they’re still doing what they do best. MK is still hacking into computers, E-Tion and U control machines and have the watches, Hyojin is teleporting, and Wyatt is using the googles to access a computer system and he still has his bike. J-Us, since he’s under arrest, can’t really do as much in this case regarding his information hacking. But maybe it was because of his information hacking that he was able to pass information on to the others about how to temporarily defeat the robots that are chasing them.

A difference in this story compared to the others is that they all looked a lot more relaxed than they once were. In Why and We Must Love they were frantically looking for information and at each other’s throats. In this MV since they’re working together and are able to get things done, they don’t have as much stress accumulated and rely on one another to complete the task at hand, which is saving J-Us at the moment.

Based on the ending of the MV, it could be said that they’ve temporarily won as their Beautiful Beautiful cube ends up in the sky and they admire the fireworks, but I would definitely say that the happiness probably doesn’t last. They may have won a temporary battle and got J-Us back, but there will definitely be future issues, which of course depends on their future MVs.

Going back to this, I think there were a lot of ties into past MVs and similar scenes. For one, Hyojin was still on a train with masked figures, the red record was shown again, and the googles that Wyatt wore seemed like the ones MK had in Why. One of the bigger things, I think, was the usage of the cube at the end. Instead of seemingly wreaking havoc on the earth like the other cubes of the other MVs did, this cube was ONF’s cube that helped them instead of rain down rockets. In one of the scenes when U and E-Tion are in their hideout, which I’m pretty sure is the yellow machine that comes up behind U at the junkyard looking place, the cube is on a screen behind them and it says that all systems are active. Who knows, maybe during their time on the run they figured out the best way to fight back against the organization. Using the same method, the cube and with all of their hacking abilities, they were able to cause a data attack and subsequent system error. That was shown on the green banners that Hyojin and J-Us saw after he was rescued and before they jumped out of the building at the end.

Conclusion

Overall, I think the basic gist of it is just like what I mentioned in the condense version. There’s some organization that ONF were once a part of that they’ve become rebellions of and are now working against. It’s an interesting concept, that of androids/robots, that they’ve had from the beginning and I like how everything still connects with each other with similar skills and abilities being shown throughout or similar looking scenes that relate one MV to the next.

When I initially saw the MVs, I thought that maybe I would organize them in a different order than when they premiered, but thinking about them, they kind of make sense in the order that they showed up. I only switched ON/OFF and Complete. But even if they were to be in the same order, as in ON/OFF first and then Complete, I think an argument could be made for that way, too. It could be said that in ON/OFF, ONF are created as the robots but are created with more human qualities so they can go to Earth in Complete and get the information needed. Yet because Laun was the one to put the information in the rocket, I assume that he got that information when he was already on Earth in Complete, which is why I reversed them.

But if you’ve made it this far, then congrats! I know this was long. I honestly didn’t expect me to have so much to say about these MVs and storylines and things I noticed that were interesting. I guess I just found myself being drawn into it in a way. But I can’t wait to see what kind of future stuff gets put out and if it’ll continue to relate to the storyline that they’ve been telling so far.

#onf #thoughts #mv theory #text

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spectre-of-communism · 4 years

Text

I made a way too detailed interpretation of “The Mill” from PAFL

I'm using the transcript and the doc as well as Ferry's tumblr for reference. A lot of my interpretation is based on the video as well, so best watch it alongside this post :D

This is just my personal interpretation and probably wrong ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Okay, let's do this. I'll be numbering the with timestamps as they are in the transcript for easier reference.

0:41: " “Two do the job, the third one is witness / Don’t shoot the guards, no need for guns” " not much to analyze in Sergei's briefing

0:44: "Check this / “Don’t go across, the longer road’s safer Watch as the bolt’s trajectory wavers” " going by visuals the bolt is used to find the objective of their mission (2:36 in the video)

0:48-0:55: "Learn in by heart, now the hardest part comes when / Staggering doubt paralyzes you and then / You fall apart like a house of cards, might as Well disregard it as a / cursory mantra" Yura should push trough the anxiety of going into the zone, it will go away

Starting from this line, I think Olya is the narrator for the first part of the video.

0:56: "Ah, my head feels heavy once again" She has been in the zone before and is haunted by her experiences there

0:59: "I wish I could dissolve myself in this rusty air" The Grinder is said to dissolve flesh and people. During the Grinder incident, in which she lost her right eye, Sergei saved her instead of Nikita's brother, Kolya. She is unsure if Sergei made the right call and thinks she should be the one who died there.

1:03: "It’s getting harder to act like I don’t really care" She sees the careless way Nikita and Yura interact, and is reminded of her younger self first exploring the Zone. She is struggling to keep up the cold facade she shows most of the series.

1:07: "I’m sorry but these earnest words of yours are just too much to bear" see above

The following part was in Russian, I used the translation from the transcript

1:11: "(I see you, the haze lingers above The pink arc of breaking dawn, A light just as distant as it was when we were children) "I strongly think the haze is connected to the grinder (see 2:30, message lost and my previous posts). Combined with the image of Kolya in the background that means she is remembering the Grinder incident. They were in their early twenties when it happened, still children in her eyes. The current mission reminds her of then.

1:16: "(And dirt, black dirt is spilling from our hands)" the black dirt is related to either to the Zone in general or the Grinder in particular. Compare also message lost: "To scour the blackened, soot-covered earth"

1:19: "(Wrapped in blue cloth, her pale ghost follows me Fog on the water -)" this is the line I am most unsure of, but here is my take, far-fetched as it may be: based on the video showing a younger Olya, I think "her pale ghost" is her past self, haunting her in the form of the trauma she experienced in the Grinder, clouding her vision.

1:23: "(The dawning haze lingers Like a gray duvet, above a quiet, quiet river) " another reference to the dead Kolya. "quiet river" might a reference to the proverb "quiet rivers run deep", either referring to Kolya as a person or, more metaphorical, to them underestimating the dangers of the Grinder

1:27: "I’ll draw a circle in the sand" the "circle in the sand" metaphor escapes me, although it might mean accepting her past and moving on, or maybe it is referring to "line in the sand" which she is not willing to cross. I find the second one unlikely without further context. Lastly. it could mean the opposite: her moving in circles and clinging to the past, not willing to let go yet. In my eyes the last interpretation is the most plausible.

1:29: "Drive myself around the bend" she is driving herself crazy, depending how you interpret 1:27 either trying to accept her past and move on, or desperately clinging to that what is gone

1:31: "In a desperate attempt to hold onto your battered hand"again, depending on your interpretation of 1:27 two possibilities spring to mind: either the "battered hand" is Kolya's, and she is trying to not forget him, or it is Nikita's or Sergei's, and she is trying to be as good as them at moving on

1:35: "Rocked to sleep beneath the snow" a metaphor Ferry likes to use for death (e.g. The Faulty Feline Philosophy, Dead Hand)

1:37: "She is bathed in youthful glow " I am pretty sure "she" is Nadya (gets clearer in the following lines, her face flashes at 1:49 in the video)

1:39: " "Strong enough to let it go" he says" Nikita claims to have gotten over her death

1:41: "but, darling, I don't know" but Olya doubts it

1:43: "This isn't my first time sinking lower than the low" Olya has had mental health problems or emotional outbursts due to the loss of Kolya

1:47: "How hard can it be to never let it overflow" so she thinks it's unlikely that Nikita could be unfazed by the loss of his girlfriend, his bottled up emotions need to be released at some point

1:50: "Oh, I've gotten used to being haunted long ago"doubles up on her not being able to move on from the loss of Kolya

1:54-1:56: "All I need to hear’s a simple / "hello" " not entirely certain what this line refers to, but she connects "hello" either with Kolya or the incident

2:05-2:27: "Maybe it's because Olga is a woman, but... / You know, she actually has no Talent. / At all. / You mean... / Wait... Then how does she... / How is she even alive? / Well... They like to call it intelligence. Careful planning. / Though, really, all of those are just pretty ways of saying... / She lucks out."

I don't think there's a lot of deeper meaning here, Nikita's resentment that Olya was the one who returned is showing, and "Maybe it's because Olga is a woman" might be a reference to his girlfriend. That is just wild guessing at this point, tho.

From here on: Nikita's PoV. This part I am not too sure on, so if you have alternative ideas, let me know

2:28-2:33: "Right through the arc of breaking dawn / Through the haze and through the maw / Of the grinder I won't find her, but I'll guide you through them all" he knows that he won't ever find Nadya again, but he is still faithful to his mision

2:36-2:38: "No more circles left to find / In the windmills of this mind" he has thought about the past so much there is nothing else to do but move on

2:40-2:41: "Rest your members / Now, remember, dear, you’ve always been too kind" as the perceived leader he tells the group to rest, not sure who "dear" is

2:44: "Oh it’s nothing new, the visionless leading the blind" he calls Sergei visionless, he has no greater goal. He calls Olya blind, both in a literal sense after her loss of an eye, as well as metaphorical, as Olya never developed the sense for the Zone that makes a good stalker.

2:48: "It’s easy to say, “why don’t you leave it all behind” " he mirrors 1:39, he thinks Olya has moved on and he is the one stuck in the past. He thinks Olya is condescending towards him

2:52: "And this moral compass is forever misaligned " his perception of Olya is forever tainted and skewed,

2:56-2:59: "All I need to hear is that you’ll be there / By my side" but he still needs her support on missions

3:01: "But you can never know that" he does not want her to know that he relies on her, though.

3:03-3:05: " “Too strong to die” / Or was that me again?" not sure on this one. One possibility is that he mocks her cold attitude. Another is that he is projecting his own emotions onto her. Take this one however you want.

3:07-3:10: "I know that / There has to be some hope that’s / Just out of sight" he is hopeful that the future will be better

From here on: Sergei's PoV.

3:17: "I won’t let myself lose it again" He feels guilty for letting Kolya die and realizes he lost control and almost died himself

3.:19: "And now my only hope is that one day you’ll understand" He decides to keep Sanya under lock to protect her

3:23-3:24: "I’ll wrap the chain / Round my heart and her hammering neck" He will keep her metaphorically chained up to protect her from danger. At the same time he realizes that this will poison their relationship with his sister. Even so, he is willing to put her safety first, even if she will hate him for that.

3:27-3:29: "And save what’s left, though I know that / One day this weight will come to break my back" he is aware that his attempts to safeguard Sanya will one day backfire

From here on: Nikita's PoV again.

3:32: "Once again we were left in the dust " Nikita thinks Yura and him are alike

3:34: "Self-hating ones like us crack when we betray someone’s trust" they are alike, and both feel like they violated somebodies trust (Nikita: Nadya, Yura: KT) and that is something that breaks them emotionally

3:38-3:40: " So if you must / Shield your heart with these layers of rust" Yura is distancing himself emotionally from those he loves, also note the parallel to False Disposition

3:42: "The sun will rise, until then I’ll" but better time will come

3:45: "Be waiting for you on the other side" Nikita will take a sort of mentor position for Yura

After seeing Nikita, who understands him so well, get shot, Yura overreacts and shoots the guard

#pafl #pafl theory #the mill #my english teacher would be proud #but also extremely disappointed #this got way longer than i intended

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untitledtallgeesepodcast · 3 years

Text

[TRANSCRIPT] EPISODE 10: DESTABILIZING THE MECHA-WIFE DICHOTOMY

Cathy 00:00

[midi version of Just Wild Beat Communication plays, fading as Cathy speaks over it]

Cathy 00:03

Hello and welcome to another episode of Untitled Tallgeese Podcast. I am this episode's host Cathy and I am joined by my lovely co-panelists Kat, Mallory, and Caitlin. Today we will be going over Episode 19, "Attack on Barge" and Episode 20, "Infiltration of the Moonbase." We pick up where we ended with Zechs, who has been found by Howard, whom you may remember as Duo's scrap metal salvager. It turns out that Howard used to be one of the engineers who helped design Tallgeese. Howard offers Zechs a way back into outer space, which Zechs eventually accepts, but not without first posturing in classic 19 year old fashion that the man formerly known as Zechs Merquis is now dead.

Cathy 00:44

Meanwhile, Duo stages an attack on OZ, but his Gundam is beaten by the Taurus mobile dolls, and he himself is captured when his self destruct mechanism doesn't work. His arrest is broadcasted everywhere on the Colony News Network, capturing the attention of Heero, who menacingly implies that all weaknesses must be eliminated. After infiltrating the OZ base where Duo is captured, however, and faced with actually needing to pull the trigger, Heero thinks better of it and breaks them both out by tricking the mobile dolls into believing the OZ's own Leos and spacesuits are the enemies. However, Heero and Duo are sadly forced to leave the damage Deathscythe behind.

Cathy 01:20

Elsewhere, Wufei stages the episodes titular attack on the Barge. He just so happens to intersect with Lady Une, who, in her peaceful ambassador persona, has an elaborate telepathic conversation with Wufei and her second command Nichols about how Outer Space should be reserved for peace. Nichols, frustrated and confused about Une's dueling personas, orders the Barge's beam cannon to shoot at Wufei. It manages the damage Shenlong Gundam marginally, but sacrifices a number of OZ's own soldiers in the process. Wufei, disgusted, uses his triton to light a literal fire under his own ass and flies off.

Cathy 01:55

In the next episode, Heero explains that he must kill the Gundam scientists, who under the thumb of OZ have been ordered to make all new and better mobile suits, the Mercurius and Vayeate. Duo wants to go with him, but injured is forced to remain behind. Speaking of injured Gundams and their pilots, on Earth, Sally Po tries to destroy Sandrock but encounters the Maganac forces who are trying to rescue it for Quatre. After realizing they should form a support group, and that the Maganacs actually have names, Sally Po helps them escape.

Cathy 02:22

OZ has been very busy. For one thing Lady Une submits a proposal for the colonies to form their own nation with one catch: they have to help OZ produce mobile suits and military equipment. Understandably, the colony representatives are wary of this proposition. But Lady Une goes full Treize on them, talking about how fighting is part of the spirit and beauty of mankind. At the same time, OZ has been trying to recruit random amateurs to act as test pilots, only one of those amateurs turns out to be none other than Trowa. As his final test. he's ordered to destroy a damaged site while Duo helplessly watches a broadcast. Because Trowa makes it to the final rounds, he wins a meeting with Lady Une. His barbed accusations that OZ is pretending to be friends with the colonies in order to win them over causes Une to have a mental breakdown. After she recovers, Une escorts Trowa and four other lucky pilots to the Gundam scientists where they meet the new mobile suits, the Veyeate is not actually functional. It reacts seemingly to the presence of Trowa, only to reveal that it's Heero clear snuck aboard. Unfortunately for Heero, Trowa manages flip through the air and get to his own gun faster, arresting Heero on behalf of OZ. And scene.

Caitlin 03:33

Can I just say, that, remember being 19 and thinking, [dramatically] "my former self is dead!" [laughter] and then totally, totally reinventing your look and your life for college. I think that's Zechs in these episodes. [laughter]

Mallory 03:53

Zacks is going away to college

Kat 03:54

To space college!

Caitlin 03:55

You've broken the mask of your like, high school nerdiness and now you're [laughter]

Mallory 04:02

now you're free faced and hot.

Caitlin 04:04

To be you sexy self, yes.

Cathy 04:07

I didn't think of it that way but that is totally true. And Zechs, he plays a surprisingly marginal role in these first, in these two episodes, which is kind of surprising because he'd been really important in the episodes leading up until now. And I didn't really process that until now, where you point out that literally the only thing he does in these two episodes is act like an emo fool and then flies off. [laughter]

Caitlin 04:31

Well he's dead. So he's,

Mallory 04:32

Yeah.

Caitlin 04:33

He's like, in exile because he's dead right now. [laughs] He's, he's like resting.

Mallory 04:38

Yeah, he's like symbolically killed himself.

Kat 04:40

Yeah, and complaining about getting help from Howard. Like, "Ugh, this is so much trouble to just get me to space."

Caitlin 04:46

This is like Genji in the Tale of Genji when he sent off to like, it, be punished in exile for a couple of months, [laughter] whatever. And all he does is like hang out by the seaside and like make a new girlfriend. [laguhter] This is Zechs right now. How, Howard is the girlfriend? [garbled] Serious, Genji in Exile.

Kat 05:07

I'm glad you're bringing this serious analysis here.

Caitlin 05:10

Yeah, this is, this is literature.

Cathy 05:11

I love it. And I'm glad we somehow managed to shovel in Tale of Genji into this because [laughter]

Caitlin 05:16

Uh, this will not be the last time we talked about Tale of Genji, all right?

Cathy 05:20

So, you know, I have to apologize, I know that I am supposed to be host and I've admitted that I don't really have any deep thoughts about episodes 19 and 20 other than I love them, and they're really entertaining. So I guess I'm gonna throw Kat under the bus, one of the things you wanted to talk about is the OZ use of propaganda and kind of information control in these two episodes.

Kat 05:44

Yeah, so we've spent a lot of time as a podcast talking about Lady Une, and the different roles that she takes on. And it's really interesting to see her utilizing the broadcast television that they have going on in the colonies. I'm not sure if it's clear if that's getting broadcast to Earth or not, but she's definitely using it to control the flow of information to the colonists, including when they captured Duo -- deciding whether or not maybe jokingly, to execute him publicly, whether or not he's, he's pretty enough or ugly enough that the colonists would sympathize with him if he was ugly.

Caitlin 06:20

And unfortunately, he's extremely good looking.

Kat 06:23

He's too beautiful, so he must die. And I think it's kind of the culmination of all the control that she's had over their media streams leading up to this episode.

Mallory 06:34

And you also see, like you hear the spin in the broadcasters and what they're saying, which is really interesting, like, they're always like, "these young troopers are vying for a spot with OZ!" You know, like there's a, there's a celebratory kind of tone to all of the newscasts that we are seeing and hearing

Kat 06:55

And we get a lot of plot exposition in those news broadcasts of these episodes, I think a little more, like we've gotten clips and stuff, or they just want to explain something. But I think it kind of leads the plot in these episodes in a way that it doesn't quite do elsewhere.

Caitlin 07:11

One of the things that I think is really interesting about the use of propaganda here is that it comes along with the realization of the split in Lady Une's personality and I think that there is a way in which you can view her split personality as mirroring, or like metaphorically performing the split between OZ's reality and OZ's performance, right? OZ's propaganda image. To a certain extent, it's like she's become like the physical and mental manifestation of the doublethink required to be both the front-facing OZ image of a peaceful colony helper, trying to bring everybody together. And the cutthroat OZ that we know is the reality.

Mallory 07:54

Exactly. She's a hamfisted metaphor for like the cognitive dissonance at the heart of Oz. You know, like this focus and emphasis on niceties and gentility and grace and saving face versus the cutthroat merciless militaristic takeover that OZ and the Romefeller Foundation are actually carrying out. It's like sort of her mental break at this point -- is it signaling a split between these two factions? Like Treize seems like he's at odds with the Romefeller Foundation in some way.

Cathy 08:28

Yeah, absolutely. I mean, at one point in Episode 20, right, when she goes back into her room after she talks to Trowa, she says, something like, "Am I doing this for OZ? Or am I doing this for Treize?" [crosstalk]

Mallory 08:37

Yeah, "Or is my master Treize?"

Caitlin 08:39

I thought, I thought that was very interesting. It also reflects the parts of her that are... So like, her considering, "Do I work for OZ? Or do I work for Treize?" is also, "Aam I doing this work as the harsh and cutthroat colonel?" versus "Am I doing this work as the kind and gentle Lady?" Where like, one of them is the person who works for OZ, and one of them is the person who loves Treize and is just doing this out of duty and affection for him.

Kat 09:09

The episodes are so blatant, and kind of the colony-facing version of her is weaker, like she's stronger in uniform, and it's sort of like this weaker facade that they are putting on to the colonies? But also it's working, so I guess it's a testament to how intensely she's making herself believe in this persona slash, she has to put her entire belief into it for it to work.

Mallory 09:34

For her.

Kat 09:35

For her.

Mallory 09:35

Right, because it's been established that like, part of her character is that she can't, she's a bad liar. So it's almost like she has to make herself believe that what she's doing is good?

Kat 09:46

Yeah.

09:46

In order to promote this soft face OZ

Caitlin 09:50

It's what politicians do, we see it all the time.

Cathy 09:53

To me a really interesting part of this, and I don't think it's explicit. I think this is just me projecting on it, but there seems to be to me like a hollowness or an emptiness about what OZ actually stands for other than wanting power. We just have Treize, right? Like Treize is the entire idealistic "heart" of OZ. And when you remove that from the equation, it's kind of like, what are we even all doing? Like how does, how do any of the powers differ from each other? They really don't. [laughs] They just want power. And so I really find this interesting, trying to grapple with like, what power means or what, what anything stands for, what do ideals mean? and seeing Lady Une like, break down, actually, physically and mentally in a way that was really obvious, felt really like relieving to me, just to be like, that is the thing we all struggle with. And I think, surprisingly, Gundam Wing made a really potent and relevant comment about it. Like, it is just hard to understand what any of us are fighting for, when it comes to big power structures. It doesn't mean anything. We're all meaningless in it.

Mallory 10:57

Yeah especially when, like, the lines that you are being fed by those powers are like vague things about the heart of OZ. And what does that even mean? Like you can't base a belief system on like this vague concept.

Kat 11:12

It's hard to base like a whole governmental structure around the nobility of man's fighting spirit?

Caitlin 11:17

But also that is, this is fascism,

Mallory & Kat & Cathy 11:20

[crosstalk of agreement]

Caitlin 11:20

that you have. It's purely a lust for power. There's, there's a creation of a set of ideals, that -- those ideals only exist to keep people in the existing power structure, and replacing any sort of actual belief with a fixation on one central leader, as Treize has done. It's fascism. It's what we're seeing today, basically. [muttered] Sorry, not not to get political at our Gundam Wing,

Cathy 11:46

Not to get political in our, in our podcast about an anime that is about politics.

Kat 11:50

Well, I was gonna say, I think as a kid, when I watched this, I think I was a little more sympathetic, but in a more simplistic way about Lady Une? And to me, it felt very much like, she suddenly saw that peace could be achieved and realized that her true self was fighting against it and couldn't handle that dichotomy. But now that I know that every politician can just live with 1000 pounds of cognitive dissonance in their head at all times, I don't know if that's really a thing that's going on, like if that was a naive reading of it.

Caitlin 12:23

Yeah, if you, if you recall, from our argument last time, about like, is she, has she already sort of lost herself at that point? Or is she in the process of losing herself, we were sort of, we were sort of split on whether this was an active choice that she'd made, if it was like a deliberate choice to sort of split this part of herself off, or if it just sort of ruptured by mental break. And I think now we sort of see the transition. Whereas like, last, the last few episodes that are lead up to this, I was like, okay, she's deliberately creating this persona, because she knows that she's not really good at this stuff.

Kat 13:00

Right.

Caitlin 13:01

So she's created this other other person. Now she's now she's broken,

Mallory 13:06

It was sort of the ease with which she could do that was a foreshadowing of the cognitive dissonance that would then come back to haunt her, and that we're seeing her sort of pay for now.

Kat 13:18

She seems so assured of herself and like the Lady Une militaristic persona, even though she doubts herself when Treize chastises her, but that's the only time she's not like, do these fucking plans, like I'm telling you to do it, now. And for her to be so unsure of herself in the other persona is really interesting.

Caitlin 13:38

I'm actually kind of sick of her. I feel like this is kind of a hackneyed plot move

Mallory 13:42

Mhmm

Caitlin 13:42

on their part. I don't really buy like split personality as a trope.

Cathy 13:47

Let's move on, let's move on then. Caitlin is sick of her crap. Let us move on to our second point: mobile dolls. So I think there's a lot of really interesting themes in these two episodes about what it means to be a pilot and kind of human intelligence versus robot intelligence. You know, we see this both in the way Heero escapes from the base with Duo. And then also in Episode 20, when we reunite with the Gundam scientists, and their whole point is essentially like, it doesn't matter who's who in the mobile suits. It just matters who the pilot is.

Caitlin 14:21

Yeah, there's a really great moment where the mobile dolls very stupidly kill their own people because they're in the same suit that Heero was wearing. Yeah, they've had their targets switched around, which demonstrates that the mobile dolls are not a great solution to the problems [laughs] of war? I like that, though it's sad that they killed their own guys.

Mallory 14:44

Yeah, I mean, it's like a real surprise that an unmanned machine could be manipulated, you know, hacked.

Kat 14:50

Weird.

Mallory 14:51

Strange.

Cathy 14:52

Totally weird.

Mallory 14:53

Who could have predicted that?

Caitlin 14:55

AI did not solve all of our problems.

Kat 14:57

I like how pissed Nichols -- or possibly not Nichols -- is though when Trowa goes, "it doesn't matter which one is better because the better pilot will win" or whatever. And the OZ soldier flips out because I guess he's bought totally into this too. And they did take down at least one Gundam pilot with the mobile dolls. So like, how dare he even question the idea behind the mobile dolls, even though they brought him in literally to be a good pilot.

Caitlin 15:28

And then you have the whole thing where Heero's in the suit that's supposed to be non functional so it seems like it functions and then Heero -- it's actually Heero, that whole thing. I was sort of thinking of our other big contemporary mobile suit in the room, Evangelion.

Cathy 15:44

Oh god [laughs]

Caitlin 15:45

The, the machine is actually a part of them and it's not really about like pilot skill. It's about sort of a connection that is like, primal and animal. Whereas in Gundam Wing you have a connection with between the pilots and their suits? We sort of see this when Duo flips out about that's like being publicly executed.

Caitlin 15:45

Which came out the same year. The whole, the whole like, thing is that this terrible idea of children piloting a mobile suit only really works if the mobile suit is some sort of like biological and psychological projection of themselves slash their mother.

Cathy 16:04

Yes.

Caitlin 16:07

And with Quatre and the Maganacs, who are like we have to rescue Quatre's Gundam.

Mallory 16:29

Yeah.

Caitlin 16:29

Yeah. But that isn't like, the same thing as a mobile suit can function without the pilot or a mobile suit is something that needs, is an animal that needs control, like an Evangelion.

Cathy 16:39

Although it's interesting because I think in the last four episodes, we have seen examples of this. So for instance, Sandrock, of course, just kind of walks off right without Quatre.

Caitlin 16:51

And he's like, get out of me.

Kat 16:52

Yeah [laughs]

Cathy 16:53

It was kind of like a weird open question as to whether or not Deathscythe, like didn't want to blow up with Duo in it? or if there was actually a failed self destruct mechanism. And they leave that kind of open. Similarily, and I know I called this out in my background when I was summarizing this, I love the way the end of Episode 20 is set up because there is this moment where I was almost wondering if my memories of this episode were incorrect, and that Mercurius and Veyeate really just sort of light up because Trowa is there, right? Like I was just like, oh, are they responding to Trowa? But then it turns out, it's because Heero is there. So there are all these little moments where they're kind of like building in this doubt, like, what are the Gundams? What are mobile suits? How tied, like what is that symbiosis. And I think it is really interesting that it comes out at the same time where Eva kind of like definitively falls one way or another on it, that they kind of just leave that open.

Kat 17:48

Bringing in Tallgeese, this episode too, like Zechs shows up just so we can hear again about Tallgeese and I think his relationship with that mobile suit is very much about his synchronisation with it. Like, it's harder to pilot than all the other ones so they continually talk about how like, you'd have to be a human or like, it gave him a frickin heart attack, because it's so difficult to pilot kind of thing.

Caitlin 18:12

So it does sort of reflect our relationship with machines in real life. I think a lot where you're like, Yes, I am, I am the driver of this car. I don't think this car is able to make its own decisions. I think most of us can agree that AI cars are kind of stupid, the self driving cars.

Kat 18:29

Yeah, thus far.

Mallory 18:31

I mean, I really want one but

Caitlin 18:33

When you think about people's relationship to their cars,

Cathy 18:36

Mmhmm.

Caitlin 18:36

It's an extension of self. And you get people who are who are obsessed with cars, who name their cars who refer to them by female pronouns. You have these really intense relationships with technology that the show plays with a lot even while saying, verbally, It's the pilot that matters, not the machine.

Cathy 18:55

So before we leave Mercurius and Veyeate, I want to say I actually found that really interesting and much more interesting when I saw them this time as I'm older. You know, they're red and blue. So I just want to like put that plug in, you know, there's a very kind of symbiotic relationship between red and blue.

Caitlin 19:12

[gasp]

Cathy 19:13

Just generally

Caitlin 19:13

I ship red/blue. All of my ships are reds and blues. Oh my god!

Cathy 19:18

Like they're, you know, there's a, there's a general kind of fandom-y trope and work trope, literary trope about red and blue. Heero ends up popping out of, I think it's Veyeate, who is the blue one, and the blue one is the one with the really great beam cannon. And then the red one, Mercurius has the shield. So I mean, the one interesting thought I had, like literally the only one thought [laughs] that I in these two episodes is that there's a great Chinese idiom called zìxīang máodùn" (自相矛盾). And máodùn is the Chinese term for sort of being self-contradictory and kind of like unable to go anywhere because you're kind of tying yourself up in knots. And that word in that phrase [Baldwin] actually comes from two separate words [mall], which is a spear or a lance and [twin] which is a shield. And it comes from a really classic story [Ed.'s note: from the Han Feizi] where this merchant is saying he has, you know, the world's best lance and then the world's best shield. And then somebody asked him, "Well, what happens if your lance attacks your shield" and he's unable to answer? [laughter] And so when we say "máodùn" like "oh my god, I'm so máodùn" like, "Oh my god, I'm so you know, I'm tied up in myself in knots, and I can't figure my way out," you know, I'm really confused, I'm really troubled, what we're really saying is, we have an unbreakable shield that goes up against an unstoppable lance.

Cathy 19:37

So I thought, you know, here, there's this moment where it's like, very much implied, they don't make a big deal out of it, but you have Heero and Trowa who I've always in my head kind of put in the same axis, you know, like they are kind of like the same people but on two different ends. And they are representing, they're both undercover in different ways, Heero has actually snuck into the beast, Trowa has gone undercover [laughs] as an amateur pilot for us. They end up kind of repeating this cycle sort of over and over again, throughout the series, and then it comes out in this really obvious reference to having a spear and having a shield. So I thought that was really fun.

Caitlin 21:20

Cathy you're not gonna believe this. It's the same word in Japanese. Oh, is it really? For conflict contradiction? It's mujun (矛盾). So I had to look at the characters of máodùn. But yeah, it's it's mujun in Japanese, which just means contradiction, but it's the same spear and shield, yeah.

Cathy 21:35

There is kind of a wonderfully elemental and like contradictory sense with Veyeate and Mercurius is that I didn't catch on the first time I watched it and just wanted to share with the group.

Kat 21:48

I think that's fascinating to me, because I love the interplay between Heero and Trowa there when Heero drops his gun and he's in the beam cannon. So in that case, shield wins. [laughter] Because I mean, Trowa's on the defensive

Caitlin 22:05

Shield wins!

Caitlin 22:06

You know what else is a dichotomy? [laughing] That is operative in many of these [laughing]

Cathy 22:15

Uh oh.

Mallory 22:18

Seme and uke.

Kat 22:21

Dammit

Cathy 22:21

Dammit. Alright, where's this going? [laughter]

Caitlin 22:24

It's not going anywhere, it ends right there, that's [laughing]

Cathy 22:30

Well, I am going to selfishly move this conversation then to I think I really love which is the whole Heero/Trowa/Duo like trio dynamic that is happening. There's a lot of stuff that is going on between these three people on every leg of this triangle that is happening in Episode 19/20 and I just would love to talk about it.

Mallory 22:53

There's a lot of emotional entanglement going on.

Kat 22:56

So I liked when Trowa sees that Duo is captured and then -- on his Gundam TV -- and is like, "I bet Heero will handle that, it's cool." Like just, just assumes that he's going to take care of that guy.

Mallory 23:10

Well he knows right you know knows that Duo is like Heero's first boyfriend.

Caitlin 23:16

I liked when Duo said, "I don't want anyone else besides you to kill, kill me Heero." And then when Heero's like, "Yeah, I'm actually going to kill you," Duo's like WHAT?

Mallory 23:24

"Why would you do that?" Sad puppy eyes.

Caitlin 23:27

"WHAT? You're really, you're really gonna do it?"

Cathy 23:31

And I love how that is also then followed up by a scene where Trowa is actually forced to shoot Deathscythe and doesn't hesitate.

Caitlin 23:42

That depressed me.

Cathy 23:43

There's like this beautiful like, to me. you know this like, I don't even know what to explain about it. Where like Heero goes with the express intent to kill Duo and then does-- isn't able to do it for one reason or another which is not really, you know, even lingered upon but it is amazing, see, I love that.

Kat 24:00

It's they're, they're in love.

Mallory 24:01

Could, he just couldn't he doesn't know why

Cathy 24:03

He just couldn't and

Caitlin 24:04

He's not good at killing people, actually,

Kat 24:07

He's not good at killing hotties he likes.

Cathy 24:09

What I love specifically is both of these scenes involve a thing where the assault ,the assailant throws away his gun. But in this case, Heero throws a gun at Duo and says "your right hand is okay, right?" being like, you can use this gun.

Caitlin 24:22

Aww

Cathy 24:23

And then in Trowa's thing, he throws away his puny little gun so that he can ask for beam cannon so they can actually destroy Deathscythe. So I, again, I have no idea who wrote this. But like if you read that in a fic, you'd be like hell yeah, this person knows what they're doing.

Mallory 24:39

Oh, yeah.

Cathy 24:40

I just wanted to point that out. I loved it. I ate that up with spoon

Mallory 24:43

The shipping the one true pairing OTP./OT3 energy is real strong in these episodes.

Cathy 24:49

Oh so good

Mallory 24:49

And Kat and I have been watching the dubs and then watching the subs after for each of the two episodes and the delivery of the dub actors versus the sub actors is so different between Duo and Heero that it like really informs the pairing dynamics that you might see in fic.

Kat 25:11

Yeah, watching the dub is like, "Oh, I see." Like, this is exactly fic duo where he's like, you're gonna kill ME? Versus like, "oh, you're really gonna kill me?" Like it's it's so different.

Mallory 25:25

It's it's really different. And like, for me the difference in the delivery of the the exchanges, especially as they're escaping after Heero has rescued Duo is so different. In the dub, Duo and Heero's relationship is more one-sided, like Duo likes Heero and has affection for him, but Heero is still kind of like closed off. But in the sub, I hear more, sort of, we're already in love with each other, but we don't know it yet. Whereas in the dub, this is like, pre we even have feelings for each other. Does that makes sense?

Caitlin 26:00

It's interesting that you do so much deep reading of these inflections when I was just like, the dub acting is not very good. [laughter]

Kat 26:10

Well, I mean, it could definitely be that.

Mallory 26:12

right?

Kat 26:12

But it just, it feels so different. But I guess more in terms of how it might inform fandom reading of the characters.

Mallory 26:21

Yeah,

Kat 26:21

Like watching one or the other. Like I if I watched only one I would have a different view of how those two characters interacted.

Mallory 26:30

Right, the first time I ever watched Gundam Wing and then went and read fanfic, I was I was really confused by the presentation of Duo because in fanfic he's just kind of this like hapless... I don't know sort of like [laughing] not the not smart character [laughs]

Caitlin 26:49

He's a baka!

Kat 26:50

He's a dumb baka.

Caitlin 26:52

That's the term.

Mallory 26:52

Okay, well, I just didn't, didn't want to say it. [laughs]

Caitlin 26:55

Do we, do we need to pull out the vows of not making Duo a baka again?

Cathy 27:02

Nooo we don't

Kat 27:03

Oh my god. Yeah.

Cathy 27:04

We don't we don't need to go to the Society for the Defense of Duo's Intelligence.

Caitlin 27:08

Yes, we need to review our laws of not making Duo a baka.

Kat 27:14

He has read one book. But I mean, he's, he's just not, like he gets overwhelmed by mobile dogs. It's not like he's a moron getting captured and stuff.

Cathy 27:23

I do also want to say that, like he does, he is following this particular like, hurt/comfort trope.

Mallory & Kat 27:31

Yeah/Mmhmm

Cathy 27:32

That I don't know why was so pop-- I don't know if it's still popular now but it was incredibly popular then. And in order for that trope to work, somebody has to constantly like be beat up or like in

Caitlin 27:45

Yes

Cathy 27:45

a state of pain or in a state of peril

Caitlin 27:48

Umm

Cathy 27:48

And unfortunately,

Caitlin 27:50

I think this is definitely still a thing but it's a little bit different now. Whump has evolved I think,

Kat 27:56

Yeah.

Caitlin 27:57

it still exists though.

Kat 27:58

It's not quite the same

Cathy 27:59

And, but it definitely doesn't exist the same way as it used to, which was very explicit and very blunt. And in order to get there you kind of had to put one of the characters kind of in like stupid situations I feel like? and

Kat 28:11

Yeah,

Cathy 28:12

Yeaaaah

Caitlin 28:12

And that was Duo so I,

Cathy 28:14

These days you're not allowed to beat characters up as much. You kind of have to justify it.

Kat 28:19

Yeah, I think also you find fewer authors that are like I'm gonna write 40 fuckin fic and Duo is gonna get his ass kicked in every single one of them.

Cathy 28:28

Yeah (?)

Caitlin 28:29

I don't know though, because if you, when you dive in, in the tags, you can see some really wild things with contemporary fandoms. It's just not the fic that's, that's dominating the like, rec lists or like the circles that

Kat 28:41

Definitely the whump is a lot less dark.

Mallory 28:44

Yeah.

Kat 28:45

Well, good thing Gundam Wing canon provides. Duo gets his ass beat multiple times n canon so... by other pilots, it is great. That's why he's a fave.

Caitlin 28:53

He looks beautiful in these episodes

Kat 28:56

He really does

Caitlin 28:57

When he's like beating up in the cell. When Heero's like, "No, you can't come with me because you're useless." [laughter]

Caitlin 29:03

And he's like, be a little kinder next time.

Cathy 29:06

I love that Heero was just like, well go to school for me. I'm like, are you?

Mallory 29:10

Yeah.

Cathy 29:10

[laughter] What is wrong with you, Duo doesn't look anything like you?

Kat 29:14

Didn't Heero already go to that school? [laughter]

Caitlin 29:16

He made a whole speech

Mallory 29:17

You made a whole speech in front of everybody.

Kat 29:19

"Oh, you're gonna be real popular buddy."

Cathy 29:23

And I kept being like, is that like, I remember this. I really do remember this scene where he's just like, go to school. And like now I'm watching and I'm like, it is just as weird as I remember it. [laughs]

Caitlin 29:33

Wait, wait, wait, you know what the real point of him saying that is so now we know that Duo knows that Heero used his name,

Kat 29:41

Right, yes.

Caitlin 29:41

to enroll in school. So now Duo in our fanfics can think, "oh my god, he used my name, he's obsessed with me."

Kat 29:47

"What a fucking weirdo." [laughter]

Caitlin 29:49

"Maybe he really is in love with me. Blah, blah, blah blah." So that is like, him saying that I think is some sort of like pure fan service where it doesn't really make any sense and it's just to let us know that this character now knows this other character thinks about him.

Cathy 30:04

I completely lost my shit at this episode, I just want to tell you. I was like watching it and losing my shit.

Caitlin 30:10

These are really good episodes. I like fell asleep during them 'cause there's something wrong with me obviously. But they're really good episodes, a lot of stuff happens to the point where I think it's hard for us to think of things to like, really substantive things to say. They're just good action episodes.

Cathy 30:25

So before we move on, one last thing, you know, we had this amazing moment with Sally Po and the Maganacs when they met each other and they're kind of like, "you know, a Gundam pilot? I know Gundam pilot." It was great. I'm glad that we haven't forgotten Sally Po.

Kat 30:43

I'd like that you shouted out the Maganac names because in one of my one of my notes is like, "it's so nice that they have names now."

Caitlin 30:49

They all have names

Cathy 30:51

I love them.

Mallory 30:51

And they have personality. And I like that they're ribbing with each other like, "Oh, Abdul's plans never work the way they're supposed to, ugh."

Caitlin 31:00

Yeah, there's a token fuck up. It's great.

Kat 31:02

Yeah. [laughter]

Cathy 31:05

I really, I mean, I, those are like the little things that I think. I don't know, it just overall, there is a really rich universe in Gundam Wing that I'd forgotten about the first time I watched it. And it was nice to see that there are these moments in the show that there's no reason for anybody to shout out. But the fact that each of the Maganacs had a name. Each of them had a personality.

Kat 31:25

And some style.

Cathy 31:26

Yeah. So we kind of had like a weird hybrid cultural artifact that we wanted to talk about today. Kat you had brought up this video, which is of Super Robot Wars.

Kat 31:39

Yeah.

Cathy 31:40

Which is a part of the Gundam franchise more generally. And then I also just wanted to talk about my experience with Gundam fighting games, but you first.

Kat 31:48

So Super Robot Wars isn't just the Gundam series, but it's most, most of them are produced by Sunrise, but it's like a Bandai Namco Entertainment game. So even Evangelion mecha have shown up in it. But there's a ton of different Gundam characters and robots, like a turn based RPG with different characters mecha and storylines they pull from all different anime series, mostly Gundam.

Caitlin 32:19

Does it give you more information about the Gundam Wing world? Do you get like more details with the characters?

Kat 32:27

Not a ton, sadly. I mean, not for gonna wing. Maybe for other ones. There's like one specific Super Robot Wars, Super Robot Wars W which was for the DS that had Quatre and Duo, and Duo is disguised as Heero Yuy and you have to play a mission to sneak them to Earth. I've watched like YouTubes but Super Robot Wars always felt like one of those canons like side canons that I could never really access as a kid? And now that I could do it, it's sort of like eh. Treize is in it actually, Treize is in Super Robot Wars W also, he's the Federated Earth Nation President.

Cathy 33:08

So I okay, so there there is a running joke I have with my friends and this is kind of rude and I'm really sorry. I do think there is a certain element of like, what I usually associate with kinda Reddit anime fandom, or a certain element of like, and I'm sorry to say this but like "cis male anime fandom on Twitter?" And I call them Dragon Ball versus Naruto fans and those are people [laughter] are always talking about who is stronger, or like who would win in the battle, Naruto vs Goku? And like, to me that is like the least interesting thing about watching either series.

Caitlin 33:43

It's the dumbest shit.

Cathy 33:44

Right? Like I don't give a shit. Like

Kat 33:46

Right, who would smooch who?

Mallory 33:48

Yes,

Cathy 33:48

The reason why I bring this up is like, is I wondering if, if that is what Super Robot Wars is supposed to appeal to? Like? Is there an element where you want to see all of the Gundams from, and all of the like, mecha from the different series come together and fight. Like who? Like what is the appeal of this game?

Kat 34:10

I think it is. It's like getting to interact like with all these different things from franchises you like. But it's not like a mecha-to-mecha thing all the time. I don't know it's maybe it is, it's not a fighting game though. You're, it's an RPG.

Cathy 34:26

Okay,

Caitlin 34:27

Interesting

Kat 34:27

The White Fang from Gundam Wing in the future is like a villain. Like they ally with a rebellion from Mobile Suit Zeta Gundam so like, so it's that kind of thing. But I

Mallory 34:41

I mean, I can see why people would why it would appeal to a certain segment of population that games manufacturers would assume are watching the shows. [laughter] You know, it's it's just like the novelty of seeing. I don't know, isn't that why movies like Civil War? And

Cathy 35:01

Yes, absolutely.

Mallory 35:01

all of those are so popular because it's like, I just want to see them bashing against each other like Superman versus Batman versus Iron Man, you know,

Kat 35:10

There's got to be a mecha versus mecha game though like that feels like it has to exist. This one is interesting, because I think it's interesting that Gundam Wing is sort of outside the greater shared Gundam universe. So for them to pull it in for this was always interesting to me, because I was like, I always liked Gundam Wing as a kid because it's like, "oh, I can watch this. But I don't need to watch this other stuff that's going to be like 20 bucks for a VHS tape with two episodes on it."

Caitlin 35:39

Right. But then you could you could get into Gundam Wing, and then you could be like, oh, Gundam Wing is in Super Robot Wars. So I play that and then suddenly you get into these other things,

Kat 35:48

Right. exactly.

Cathy 35:50

So I actually played Gundam Wing: Endless Duel on an emulator and Gundam Wing: Endless Duel is actually a robot versus robot fighting.

Kat 35:59

Hell yeah!

Cathy 36:00

And, um, I really don't remember how I got this. I think somebody handed me like a CD-R? of all these have like an SNES emulator.

Caitlin 36:10

C! D! R!

Cathy 36:11

And there was Gundam Wing Endless Duel and I think like a Sailor Moon flaming game, maybe?

Caitlin 36:16

There is a Sailor Moon fighting game.

Caitlin 36:17

Yeah, that definitely exists, yes.

Cathy 36:19

So I played, so I remember, you know, and my mom was never gonna listen to this, she'll never know that I did this. I used to, like sneak down into our basement, like get on the computer in our basement and like play, like, you know, from the hours of like, 2am to like 4am, play like Gundam Wing Endless Duel, which was all in Japanese at the time, I had no idea was going on. So I was just like, mashing buttons. I was not particularly good. But it is great. And there is a lot of like, you know, obviously everybody forms opinions about like, who is the best Gundam and who is the worst Gundam? Like I think Heavyarms sucks. [laughter] So it's always like, beat up on Heavyarms while you're playing? Because you're like, "Yeah, he suuuucks." And like, there is this really fun moment where you get to try on all these weird ideals that come up in Gundam Wing. And I'm sure that's true of every Gundam game, but I like there is a moment where it's like, "oh, yeah, this is what it feels like to be a cishet anime male being like Naruto vs. Goku." That was my Naruto versus Goku moment.

Kat 37:18

I feel like the suits definitely made it further then the characters and Gundam Wing

Caitlin 37:23

was very much their own characters in a lot of ways. And like a lot of fans are just really into the cha-- and into the suits. It's like, it's like, instead of your waifu who you have your mecha. Maybe or maybe you can have both.

Kat 37:36

Uhhh, my mecha could be my waifu. [laughter]

Cathy 37:40

On that note, thank you guys for joining us to discuss Episodes 19-20 and also marrying a robot.

Caitlin 37:48

Nothing wrong with that.

Cathy 37:49

Nothing wrong with that. We appreciate all robot fuckers on this podcast. [laughter] Thank you guys, see you next time.

Kat 37:59

Keep in touch! Hear about our new episodes on Twitter at TallgeesePod. Find our full transcriptions on Tumblr at UntitledTallgeesePodcast dot Tumblr dot com and follow us on Instagram at UntitledTallgeesePodcast for behind the scenes deets, fandom artifacts, and memes.

#gundam #gundam wing #mobile suit gundam #anime nostalgia #90s anime #anime podcasts #untitled tallgeese podcast #episode 10 #transcripts

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itsuki-minamy · 4 years

Text

“K - THE FIRST STORY”

CHAPTER 3: THE SWORD, THE CAT, AND THE SEVEN KINGS (Part 2)

Translation: Naru-kun Raws: Ridia

* Prologue: Side: The Boy * Chapter 1: The boy named Isana Yashiro * Chapter 2: Flames * Chapter 3: The Sword, the Cat, and the Seven Kings (01 // In progress)

Kuro put his left hand on his sword sheath, "Kotowari", with determination.

"Where are you? Isana Yashiro! Get outside!"

The people who are after the fox are roaring loudly in the city.

Listen to the rubbing of the wheels against the ground. Kuro doesn't move and turns his face towards him.

A boy with a metal bat rushes straight towards Kuro, riding a skateboard while spewing flames from all over his body in the form of anger.

Is it the red clan member he encountered earlier? He knows how he feel, but now he is busy...

Kuro frowned slightly and put his strength into his bent legs. To dodge the boy who is rushing towards him with a metal bat, jump high and descend into the street light. He misses the time he was talking about now.

Yata, a member of the red clan on the skateboard, stood up to Kuro's level staring at him.

"Hey, Black dog! Where is that boy?"

"Member of the red clan. What is that?"

"I'm asking where the guy who hid is! If you don't want to hurt yourself, give me a quick answer!"

He can't afford to be a kid. The eyes looking at Yata grew colder than necessary.

"I don't have time to deal with you. Stay away from it."

The murder signal is increasing. Irritation from others rubs off and the air becomes hot.

A suddenly blurry voice echoed in the room.

"Oh, Yatogami-kun! I think I can escape from here. I'm going to get there soon!"

Kuro has doubts and looks for the origin of the voice. Then, he sees a person waving from the rooftop in front of the building.

Without a doubt, the evil "King" who called himself Isana Yashiro.

"You damn..."

Keeping people confused with such a lie, what is he planning?

At the same time that Kuro sharpened his eyes, Yata sharpened his teeth.

"You…!"

"You can defeat such a person in one fell swoop, beat him quickly, and come here soon!"

The boy says that. You see, the purpose is for Kuro to hit the red clansman and escape in the meantime? The villain who keeps circling the tolerance meter, Kuro raised his sword.

"Sorry! I'll tie that guy up after I crush you!"

Yata, easily fanned, raised the outer corners of his eyes and barked. It seemed unlikely that his eyes, burning with anger, would put out the fire, and he decided it was impossible to leave.

Even though Kuro pretends to be calm, he is overwhelmed. He looks at Yata from the high place and says chillingly.

"If you try to fight me, expect no mercy."

"Damn!"

Yata kicked the ground and ran. From the skeleton wheels that skim the surface of the street, flames erupt like a raging wave.

Kuro extends his right hand and extends his invisible hand towards Yata.

However, Yata may have learned from the fact that he was caught in the hand of a different talent down the alley. He deftly steers his skateboard to avoid Kuro's extraordinary hand and heads towards him.

Then, Kuro switched his target from Yata himself to around Yata. He concentrates his consciousness, increases the pressure of the power of different abilities, and pinches the surface of the street behind Yata with invisible hands.

Kuro's invisible hands squeeze the asphalt, car stop barriers, and even street lights, bend to pieces, and attack Yata from behind.

"Damn!"

Yata appeared to be swallowed up by the debris. However, he ditched his skateboard and jumped out of the dust onto the sheer rocks attacking him.

Yata, who jumped high using the wind pressure from the steep rocks, jumped to the spot where he was standing in the street light and swung his bat with a joyous voice.

Kuro escaped through the air passing him. The metal bat that cuts through the sky makes a loud metallic noise and hits the streetlight.

In midair, Kuro jumped a step higher, using Yata's face as a springboard, and reached with his invisible hand at the sign on the rooftop of the building that he noticed. Kuro, who was a bit sensitive to the word "sister", feels free to tear off the sign that appears to be an advertisement for a book titled "My Sisters Struggle" and drop it on Yata.

A powerful member of the clan. It won't do much damage, but if he's going to stall, Kuro drops Yata under the sign and jumps onto the rooftop of the building where the boy was.

Kuro has no reason to compete with the red clan member. All Kuro has to do is find the evil "King" before them and kill him for that "reason" before it turns into a great battle.

The boy was no longer on the roof where he had been screaming.

Kuro takes out a small emblem from his pocket, which he cut from the boy's neck when he swung his sword. Kuro tightly gripped the emblem, which is the emblem of Ashinaka High School.

"I will not let you escape."

++++++++++

Get home safely.

The boy arrives at Gakuenjima's bedroom, which is his current home, and walks over to the bed in his beloved room to lie down.

"Oh... I'm tired..."

He literally thought he was going to die.

He was glad that Kuro was a silly, serious and good person. His sick sister's lie that he thought had happened once, and among the fireworks he had, there was a flash ball for the production of events (there was a mysterious sales season called "One Step Before Military Supplies!") , and the fact that the costume was left on the ceiling saved the boy's life.

He dazzled with a flash ball and quickly donned the costume, escaping from Kuro who thought the boy had run away. Fortunately, he got away with the costume because it belonged to a popular dog character often seen walking around town on campaign. After all, it was right after a flashy video of a person with the boy's face killing a person. He was grateful that he could move around without being seen by people.

Along the way, he escaped while disturbing the people who were looking for the boy and the people who set fire, and he managed to return to Gakuenjima. He was unable to fulfill his mission because he had used the fireworks that Kukuri had asked him to bring. He will have to apologize to Kukuri tomorrow.

Following the boy who was weak and lying on the bed, the kitten who overcame a difficult adventure jumped to the headboard and meowed cutely.

"What was that, who are those people?"

The boy closed his eyes with a soft duvet. When he lowered his eyelids, he did not have time to desperately reflect during the trip, the image of a person who looks like him with a gun comes to mind.

"Was the person in that video... really me?"

Do not understand. It must have been a mediocre day. The days of floating fluffy while watching his friends' smiles without having to think about anything are about to be reversed.

"Somehow, it seems to be troublesome..."

"Hmm. I've been doing it quietly until now."

The boy's eyes suddenly opened when there was a close response to the boy's soliloquy. There was white skin there.

A member lying in a gentle curve. Rounded butt, narrow waist, flat chest and gently reshaped over sheets, smooth shoulders. There was no fabric to cover them, just long hair that flowed along her body.

A girl.

Naked

A naked girl.

At the same time as the recognition, blood pooled on the boy's cheeks.

"Waaaaaah?"

The biggest scream that came out today.

Whether he's about to get hit by a flaming metal bat, a flying fireball, a sudden aerial walk, or a sword that's about to cut his through, his voice so far hadn't come out.

"Who you are?"

The girl woke up with a mysterious look as she jumped back and saw the boy with his back pressed against the wall.

A pretty girl of fifteen or sixteen. She has strange, large, almond-shaped eyes, with different colors on the left and right like a cat. One blue eye and one gold eye lined by long gleaming eyebrows.

The girl from the deep looked down at her body and made a slight "Ah." look, but soon turned to the boy with a smile in full bloom.

He doesn’t know why a beautiful naked and unknown girl can give such a pretty smile.

She said happily.

"I am Neko!"

++++++++++

Ashinaka High School. Known as Gakuenjima.

The evil "King" wore the emblem of this school, which is the entire school island in Tokyo Bay.

It's ok to cross the bridge to the Gakuenjima entrance, but it seems that you can only enter the school grounds through the automatic gate at the entrance. Outsiders were told that they would not be able to enter without a guest pass issued by student association staff or officials.

It seems that if you have a matter, you have to go to the window for the visitors, but even if you make a statement in the window, it will be difficult for Kuro to get a guest pass issued.

When Kuro tried to direct his skill towards the door, he was greeted with a bright and gentle voice.

"Ah, what do you need?"

When he turned around, a girl who seemed to be a student from this school was smiling. She has shoulder-length brown hair and side ornaments.

"Kukuri, what happened? Do you know him?"

"No, but he seems to be in trouble."

A girl named Kukuri shakes her head, surprised by a schoolgirl who appears to be a friend. He was impressed by the kindness with which she called, probably because he was carrying some suitcases.

"I'm looking for a man named Isana. Do you have any ideas?"

"Isana...? Oh, Shiro-kun, I'm a classmate."

The girl answered so easily. In such a large school, Kuro leans towards the luck of suddenly meeting that man's classmate.

"Where is he currently?"

“Where… I think he went shopping. Oh, but I think it's about time he came back. Oh, would you like me to guide you to the student dormitories?"

The girl took out a PDA from her pocket and gave Kuro a guest pass. Being able to issue a guest pass probably means that she is a student association officer. At the same time that he is lucky, he thinks of the abominable idiot and the face of the evil "King", saying that Heaven is not on the side of the bad guys.

The girl smiled when she sent him guest pass to Kuro's PDA.

"Yes, this is fine. Follow me! I'll show you the men's dorm."

Kuro bowed deeply to the girl.

"Sorry. Thank you for your cooperation."

"It is an exaggeration. It is a matter of course."

"My master said" There are few people who can do what is natural." I will never forget what you did for me."

The girl laughed shyly.

"Hahaha, you are an interesting person. What kind of relationship do you have with Shiro?"

Kuro tightened his expression and put his hand on the sword at his waist.

"I have something to give him."

"What? Lost property?"

"It is a guide."

The girl bowed her head.

++++++++++

The boy stuck to the wall and was frozen in front of a naked girl who affirmed "I am Neko."

Who is this girl? When she appeared? Why is she naked?

Despite being confused, the boy decided to do something about the third question, so the boy took the coat from the chair and offered it to a naked girl claiming to be a cat.

"And for the moment..."

"No!"

Neko turned around and jumped on the desk to escape. She is terribly light. Really like a cat. But it shouldn't be naked and squatting. It seemed like he could see many things that he shouldn't be able to see, so the boy was sweating coldly and tried to force her to put on his coat.

"Girls shouldn't stay like this!"

"The clothes are annoying, so I don't like them!"

He felt as if he heard a bell ring.

The boy is relieved. Neko who was supposed to be wearing a coat disappeared in an instant. When the boy was confused by the girl who suddenly disappeared, just like when she appeared,

"Do you want to play? Well, it looks like fun!"

A screaming voice came from above. When he looked up, Neko lay down on the furniture and looked at the boy who was wondering when she had moved. The bare chest is crushed by the corners of her face.

When he didn't know what to do... he heard a voice calling him from outside the window.

"Oh, Shiro-kun! I brought a friend!"

It's Kukuri's voice. The word "friend" made him uncomfortable, and the boy rushed to look down from the window.

"How is your sister, Isana Yashiro?"

Next to Kukuri, there was a sword god, Kuro, who ironically raised the edge of his mouth.

The boy attracted a lot of attention.

It is bad. There is only a feeling of having been killed.

Kuro turned his palm towards the window where the boy was. The boy suddenly noticed that mysterious technique and retired to the room. Kuro grabbed the window frame from the boy's room with a mysterious power that seems to be capable of grabbing a distant object and jumped into the room immediately.

The boy somehow thought of engulfing him in smoke again, but this time Kuro didn't even give him a grace. As soon as he lands in the room...

The chill ran, and the boy moved according to his instincts, rolling on the ground and avoiding the sword by a short hair.

Crisp and light, Kuro's sword sits right next to the boy's face.

Really dead. The boy struggled to his feet and tried to escape. The naked sword pursues the boy.

"No!"

It was the girl's nudity that protected the boy from the sword.

The mysterious girl who calls herself Neko seems to have no shame to be naked, and stands in front of Kuro with her arms outstretched.

Suddenly, he froze before the bare wall. The face is tinted bright red.

"Hmm... embarrassing!"

Neko grabbed the boy's hand as Kuro involuntarily walked away. She pulls him hard by the hand.

The boy jumped out of the room and ran down the hall to the bedroom, being dragged by Neko.

Thanks to her nakedness he was saved. However, she is still naked and running in public places is bad.

The boy puts the coat he was holding on Neko.

"This! Put this on!"

Neko, whose head was covered with the boy's coat, was fluffy and small. At the same time, the sound of the bell resounds again.

Immediately, Neko's back running in front of him moved away. The boy staggers at the feeling of confusion. Out of nowhere, Neko suddenly sped up. The corridor has grown.

The corridor, which is not very long, suddenly becomes long enough to run 100 meters in a straight line, and naked Neko turns her back on him and walks away.

"Eh, what?"

The boy is confused and involuntarily stops and looks back. Then this time, the hallway behind the boy got much longer. The entrance to their room, which he had been in before, can be seen in the back, and Kuro who came out of the room to chase them looks like a bean.

Without knowing why, the boy worked again. Follow Neko's back tightly. Beyond the boy's line of sight, he gently jumped out the window. He hopped onto the external emergency stairs of the next building, jumped over the railing, and climbed out onto the next rooftop.

When he thought she really was like a cat, the long corridor suddenly shrunk and the boy was about to crash into the window.

"Wow, is that back? Is that girl's doing...?"

There is no doubt that the naked girl who calls himself Neko has a mysterious power. Maybe the hallway wasn't really stretched out, only the boy assumed it was. But now it is not the case when he is thinking deeply about it. After all, Kuro is chasing the boy from behind, and Neko who just snagged the boy's jacket on her head is trying to run outside, generously exposing her naked body.

The boy imitated Neko and went out the window, more dangerous than for Neko, he followed the bundle out of the window to the emergency stairs of the adjoining building, over the shackles and railings, sliding and clinging to the rain gutter.

The boy turned around, finally reaching for Neko's back who had already descended and was running down the street. Kuro was standing on the rooftop of the building next to the bedroom. Looking down at the boy, he can see his right hand pointing towards him.

It is bad. That mysterious hand will grab him again.

He can't think of a way to escape from that hand, ignoring the distance, the boy stiffened.

Neko who was running ahead looked at Kuro. Neko's eyes, strange eyes with vertically long pupils capture Kuro's appearance.

Hear a bell again.

Then, a small twister erupted on the rooftop where Kuro was. From the center of the twister, a huge bipedal ghost cat appears. A giant monster with a body reminiscent of a professional wrestler looked at Kuro with crescent-shaped eyes and laughed through exposed teeth.

"What is that?"

When the boy took his eyes off her, the cat was furry and naked.

"Strong!"

"That seems strong, but that's not the case... what the hell are you?"

"Wagahai is a cat."

"I heard... a cat..."

Neko smiled a big smile.

"It's a cat that has been with Shiro the whole time!"

Inside the boy, the girl in front of him and that kitten that was friends with the boy overlapped.

Certainly this naked girl appeared in the wrong place with the kitten sleeping next to him. Does that mean this girl is in the shape of a cat? No, the opposite? This girl transformed into that kitten. Rather, if she had the ability to display illusions, it would mean that she had an illusion that made her look like a kitten.

In other words, the boy intended to spend time with the kitten and was actually stroking and hugging a naked girl.

When the boy recalled the dizziness, it seemed like Kuro on the rooftop had already countered the giant monster.

Neko is unmoved by the fact that the giant monster cat has been defeated, and starts running again with a smile and a guard from Kuro. The boy also hurriedly followed her.

While chasing Neko, he noticed that she seemed to be invisible to other humans. It is an incident, a naked girl running around the campus during the day, but no one seems to make a noise even if they run among the students who are busy preparing for the school festival.

Neko running like the wind, with the boy's jacket over her shoulder without closing the front, crashed into a student who was walking with a basket full of oranges. He thinks she plans to make a maid cafe at the school festival. The schoolgirl dressed as a maid looked surprised and dropped the orange she was holding, the boy stopped his leg chasing Neko and stopped, helping her to pick up the orange.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes... there was something invisible..."

Looking at the student who gets confused and says "What...?" Without confidence, he is convinced that Neko is no longer visible except to him and Kuro.

Is it possible to not only show illusions but also make herself invisible? What is this super power that affects a person's cognitive ability?

While he was picking up the oranges and thinking about it, Kuro's footsteps were approaching from behind.

Kuro, who is running with his black hair tied back, is about to turn his palm towards the boy.

Before the boy answered, the bell rang again. Immediately after that, the phase of the place where Kuro is located changed.

Like a deception image, only the path where Kuro was floating in the air, and the place where the path was supposed to be was a wall.

On the crushed stone pavement that turned into an aerial tower, Kuro is standing looking at the boy who has collapsed. If Neko's power is the power to alter perception, there may be a way to step forward, even if it seems like he's gone. But humans can't easily ignore visual information.

The boy looked at the student in front of him, but she didn't seem to notice anything unusual. This illusion seems to work only for Kuro and the boy.

After picking up the orange from the student, the boy raised his hand slightly, greeted her and started running.

The escape and the chase in a world that seemed to lose itself in an image of deception continued for a long time. The boy was chased by Kuro and he is not sure why he is running because he accepted Neko.

It seems that the girl's appearance is not visible to other people, so why not leave her completely naked? Remember that it was not a problem, and that the main purpose he had now was not to dress Neko, but to escape the pursuer Kuro who was trying to kill him.

It was supposed to be a crisis situation, but the reason why he jumped in thought was because Neko who was fleeing to the front seemed to be having fun. Neko was laughing so hard it seemed impossible to think it was a life-threatening escape drama.

"Think, Isana Yashiro! The play is over!"

It's okay to chase after Neko and jump to the back of the school building, but he hit a dead end. Kuro approaches from behind.

Furthermore, the sound of the bell echoed.

"Nya nya nya!"

From the ground between the shrine and Kuro, a huge wall with the face of a ghost cat grows skyward as it screams.

"Anyway, this wall is also an illusion!"

From the other side of the wall, he hears the brave voice of Kuro, who inspires him. Humans can't ignore visual information that easily, but it seems that Kuro decided to believe his rational judgment rather than crazy perception.

Neko lightly tugged on the boy's elbow, who was staring at the wall, involuntarily. He can move a few steps sideways.

In the next moment, the painted wall of the ghost cat's face was scattered like petals from Kuro's assault.

The scene where the illusion was shattered was quite beautiful, and he decided that the illusion wall was an illusion and collided with it, and broken Kuro was echoing.

However, he smashed through the ghost wall, smashed through the place where the boy was standing, and hit the actual wall beyond his face.

It was quite a surreal scene because the look that broke the illusion was great.

"Nyahahahahahaha!"

Neko laughs out loud when she sees Kuro, whose face is buried in the wall.

With awkward and awkward movements, he hit a wall and turned his flushed face away, and Kuro looked towards Neko and the boy.

The voltage of his anger is only increasing, the boy sweats coldly.

However, when Neko saw Kuro, she really enjoyed with her big eyes. It was like a cat playing with prey.

Kuro looks at Neko and turns around. Nek

o stands happy, trying to protect the boy behind. The original purpose was lost in its pursuit.

Then the sun set, the night passed, and the sun rose again.

#k #k project #k the first story

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abbaccha · 5 years

Text

khr oc partial bio!

how she ends up in varia is still being thought about :’)

(see the full images here: 01 | 02)

Basic Information

Name: Vitaliya Squalo Aliases/Nicknames: Vit, Liya, _22235 (10YL exclusive) Age: 16 Gender: F Date of Birth: September 17 Family: Vongola Famiglia Team/Title: Varia Reinforcement Squad Member

Weapons: Rifles and combat knives Box Animal: - (No flame gang)

Hobbies/Interests: Decluttering, watching GRWM videos online, growing indoor plants that don't need soil, and looking at pictures of empty apartments on Pinterest. There is something eerily calming about them. Basically she does nothing productive.

Favorite Food(s): Food at or below room temperature, small bites. Most stuff are fine as long as the texture is not gross. Her diet is made up of several small meals throughout the day. People notice and comment "you're always eating?".

Favorite Color(s): Earth tones in general, but it doesn't show in her wardrobe.

Least Favorite Food(s): Curry and taro. The latter one in particular? Absolutely ew.

Least Favorite Color(s): Colors are fine she has nothing against them.

Other Likes: Electro pop music, she pretends she's over it. Foundation (makeup) that smells subtly nice.

Other Dislikes: Shenanigans, having to come up with reactions during boring conversations just to show she's raised correctly, and the fact that high heels are visually pleasing but functionally impractical.

Theme Song: DRUGS by lil aaron suits Vitaliya if you ignore the lyrics. The melody is so lit?

Appearance

Eye Color: Blue Hair Color: Silver Hair Length: Waist-length (sorry i really like the signature squalo look rip) Skin Tone: Fair with cool undertone Height: 168 cm Weight: 51 kg Wardrobe: "This is not a phase mom" attire, mostly black. (present timeline) High neckline, all shades of gray, high-waisted jeans. Comfort always comes first. (10YL)

Personality

Reserved, judgmental and a bit of a killjoy. She has an opinion of everyone but keeps it to herself, but it's not like she is vocal about anything else at all. Unless spoken to, she usually just minds her own business. But just by her sharp stares, you know she's judging something hard on the inside.

She has low social needs and is able to assertively say "no". Thus it is easy for her to act tough, while in reality she is definitely not fearless. For starters, full grown men in the mafia who can fight are pretty intimidating already.

When she was younger (before the age of 19), she was fairly nervous and uncertain but chose to mask it with silence. But as she gets more comfortable with being herself and the surroundings, she doesn't care that much? She can comfortably sit through a heated confrontation, as long as she's not involved.

Compared to the rest of the group, she's pretty tame since most of the time she can play by the rules just fine.

Over the years, she has built a comfort zone she's not quite willing to step out of. Sticking to the old familiar things is always better, she thinks.

One positive thing about her is her work ethic. She likes to end bullshit and get things done, no fun allowed at work.

In conclusion, she is distantly cold but has her shit together.

History

Still under development. But below are the basic ideas:

Vitaliya's family has a background in arms dealing. She was half Russian (father's side) and half Italian (mother's side). While her father was overseas doing business with not only governments, Vitaliya and her mother resided in the Italian countryside. Life was good and comfortable, Vitaliya was close to her mother's side of the family as they lived pretty close by.

Superbi Squalo is her cousin. They have an okay relationship. I think that something happened and prompted Vitaliya to adopt her mother’s maiden name.

She received gun training from a family friend/business partner.

Known for being very careful and tidy when it comes to finishing people off. Later was invited to join Varia.

Became a deep web hitman on the side, goes by the literally meaningless alias _22235. This happened a few years after the present timeline.

Friends

Old friends from school. Vitaliya still talks to them occassionally, not mentioning her current profession of course.

She's getting along with some Varia members (not the executives) who are also hateful bitches. Their "friendship" is based solely on the fact that they dislike the same things/people.

This is obviously self-indulgent but she's on good (or at least neutral) terms with the executives. Bel and Vitaliya formed some kind of odd bond through being the only two edgy teens. I imagine their friendship is not "intense" in a "we talk everyday we are bffs" way, they just keep each other company for they have the most in common. In the 10YL timeline, their interaction dynamic is Bel saying the outlandish stuff he always says and Vitaliya going "you're full of shit".

I would write a short paragraph about Superbi here, but saying a relative is your friend is kinda lame skjfh. Just know that they used to be close as kids(teens), so now they’re comfortable being relatives even in a professional environment.

(Decent) people she sees everyday on the deep web.

Enemies

No personal enemies.

Abilities and Weapons

She uses all sorts of guns like a normal person, nothing special about how she does her job. As a safety precaution, she keeps a combat knife on her person at all times. But of course she's not an expert on hand-to-hand combat.

When on mission, she can be extremely patient, preying on the target for as long as needed for the perfect chance to strike.

that’s about it for now! if you read through all of it, i THANK YOU :’’’D you’re the mvp. if there’s anything that doesn’t make sense, it’s probably because i haven’t touched the manga in years, please bear with me. i hope it’s canonically acceptable for people with no flame to join varia, if not i would be caught off guard... also english is not my first language, so the writing here is not the best lmao.

#khr oc #oc #varia #i should start tagging liya-related content #vitaliya #khr #also LMFAO i made a vine compilation mainly to show what liya is like #lemme know if you're interested in seeing it :O

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shreddedparchment · 5 years

Text

Shattered Glass Pt.01

Team Building

07/09/2019

Pairing: Tony x Reader, Steve x Reader Word Count: 5,750

Prompt: “Agh I’ve been hit!” “Calm down Meryl Streep, it’s just a paintball.”

Masterpost Warnings: Language, suggestive themes, angst, violent imagery, blood, graphic violence

A/N: I fail. This was SUPPOSED to be a one shot. FML. I can’t do it. It’ll be only two parts. Maybe three if there’s enough content? But probably just two. Don’t hold me to that though. This is my very first Tony-centric fic so hopefully it comes out well. Steve wasn’t supposed to have the part that he has in this one but it kinda just worked itself out this way. This is for @moonbeambucky ‘s #5KWritingChallenge ! When I saw this prompt it screamed Tony. Anyway, I hope you like it! If you happen to reblog, thanks so much for helping me spread my work. xoxo

You’re wounded!

It hurts!

“Ah! I’ve been hit!” You cry, an earth-shattering shout of agony.

You fall to your knees and clutch at the piercing in the center of your chest. Head thrown back in a silent shriek as you die.

“Calm down, Meryl Streep, it’s just a paintball.” Tony moves up beside you, carefully hidden behind a tall tower of tires. His snark is layered.

The topmost bit is all annoyance and exasperation with your over the top antics. Probably doesn’t like the competition.

The rest has to be amusement. Affection. Fondness. It’s there, though it’s hidden and carefully smothered.

You fall back, laying on the mulch and dirt of the paintball field, relaxed as you breathe in and out. There’s a large splatter of red paint on the front of your vest. You’re shot and the bright light of the setting sun dips between the swaying branches of the tall and aged poplar and spruce.

You give Tony a pout, eyes skillfully pooling. You can fake a good cry if it'll get you what you want.

“It hurts. I’m dead, Tony.” You inhale a deliberate shuddering breath as he moves to kneel beside you, yearning for his sympathy. “Nat killed me.”

He traces the still wet splatter, coating his index finger in the crimson paint as he essentially runs it down between your breasts. What you wouldn’t give for your vest to be gone.

With hazy eyes, the paint might really be blood.

“Maybe you should be paying attention then, instead of flirting with Rogers?” He counters and though usually his voice would be laced with sarcasm, the stern and serious note in it gives you pause.

Everything, every instance of flirtation with Tony has been one-sided. You throw out the bait but he never bites. He never gives away any interest.

Your shallow playfulness subsides as you consider his shift in voice.

You swallow your spit and taste the chemical flavor of paint and gritty earth. It’s acerbic and normally you’d be spitting and gagging but your heart is suddenly racing.

With a lick to your lips you narrow your eyes, taking in the strong set of his sharp bearded jaw, deep brown eyes, full peach lips, “Jealous?”

Your accusation draws his hand away from your chest but you catch it, tracing the length of his finger so slow there can be no question of your intent.

The flex of his arms, tight, lithe biceps straining against the black and gray thermal. The bright shine of his Nano housing keeps it from clinging to his hard chest. He’s ripped though Steve and Sam and everyone else keeps focus away from Tony’s almost obsessive fixation on fitness.

He holds his gun with the barrel pointed up into the air so that he won’t chance accidentally shooting you.

His eyes watch the clean pink painted nail of your middle finger as you continue to stroke his.

Time seems to stop. Not around you.

Around you, everyone is still very much diving and running, swerving and shooting. You hear the peppered cries of those being shot and those doing the shooting.

You can hear Sam swear and Clint laugh. Steve's playful battle cry and Nat's returning shout of surprise. But here in your little bubble with Tony’s hand in your grasp, things flow like molasses.

Fluid and thick, ripe with unsaid desires and forbidden pleasures that until this moment you’d assumed were only yours. You’re too young. You’re the troublemaker. You give him headaches not hardons.

“Why would I be jealous?” He asks, brow twitching as he queries. “You’re not my type.”

That doesn’t hurt. It’s not the first time he’s told you this. His gentle push to keep you at a distance. It hasn’t worked in a long time and it’s not working now. Not with the slip you just saw.

You smile wide, amused by his words. “Too damaged?”

His eyes darken, your past probably flaring into technicolor flashes in his brain, like the violent images of a snuff film and he forcefully takes his finger back.

He clenches his hand, trying to maybe erase the way it felt to have you touch him?

“Too needy.” He corrects then gets to his feet.

Well, damn.

Ouch. That one does hurt.

You push yourself up onto your elbows and watch him sneak away.

“Guess I’ll just have to find someone willing to fill my needs then.” You throw at him, hoping for some type of reaction, not giving two shits about who might hear you.

Your callous behavior pays off. He turns, fixes those chocolate browns on you and you see the shift. It makes your heart race again. There are flutters in your stomach as the fire blazes in his eyes.

It’s a wild chaotic flame that lasts for only a second before it’s calmed and left to smolder behind his shield.

He turns away and keeps going, gun raised.

He only gets to the next cover before he’s shot.

“Eyes up, Tony.” Steve teases and he looks at you then winks.

Tony drops his arms, staring at the splash of patriotic blue on his vest, then sighs. His suit is deemed illegal and he isn’t exactly great without some piece of his tech around, but damn if that brain of his isn’t sexy.

You smile at Steve, chuckling at his sweet flirting. It’s only playful and you know Steve doesn’t want you but it’s nice to be noticed as a woman instead of the kid.

"That’s the game.” Nat calls, and those left standing move towards the picnic tables where food has been laid out.

Wanda and Vision, first out as they really weren’t as competitive as the other idiots on the team, move about laying out plates and drinks.

Tony marches past where you’re still laying on the ground and doesn’t spare you a glance.

Steve’s boots draw your eyes up and you smile, squinting against the bright orange of the setting sun behind him. If flits through the trees again, gilding his already golden hair.

He offers you his hand and you take it.

“Guess we won.” He says, and you hop as you find your feet.

“Guess we did.” You agree and begin to lead the way back to the rest of the group.

“I was the last man standing.” He tells you, voice not proud, but rather curious.

“Yeah.” You nod, looking back at him with a small knowing smirk. “I know."

You stop a few feet from the group as you turn back towards them and spot Tony’s brightening expression.

It’s that look. The look he only give that one person. The most important person. The one person that he can’t live without. That person that you can never measure up to.

Her perfection. Her politeness. Her sweetness. A sweetness that you will never posses because like you told him, you’re too damaged. Too needy, like he said.

You follow his gaze, already knowing what you’ll find.

A happy Pepper wearing a cute set of work out sweats in teal and blue. She stops and holds out her hands, a look of amused disappointment on her pretty face as she lets them drop to slap against her thighs.

“Did I miss it?” She asks, her easy voice full of love for him. For Tony.

“You missed it. You’re late.” He tells her, adoration pouring from his chocolate browns.

All you ever get is his disenchantment. Disappointment that you aren’t better. That you aren’t more. Not her.

Always to be scolded and corrected.

With a drop of your heart, you stare as Tony marches right up to her and pulls her in for a kiss.

It hurts more than you’ll ever admit. Jealousy is not a good color on you. It makes you reckless and lash out.

“Don’t I get a reward?” Steve asks, again, curious, pulling your attention back to him.

He’s testing the boundaries between the two of you and if he’d done it any other time than right now when Tony’s moving towards you with his arm wrapped around Pepper’s waist, you might not have taken Steve’s bait.

You force your eyes away from the couple and look up into Steve’s storm blue twinkle.

“A hero deserves a prize.” You tell him, then wrap your arms up underneath his to stroke the muscular planes of his vested back.

You push yourself up, getting as close as your paintball gear will let you and kiss him.

It isn’t a chaste kiss either. You tilt your head to the right and suck on his lower lip until he opens up for you and you give his mouth a taste.

Spearmint and the slightest chocolate sugar of his mocha. It’s delicious but all wrong.

When you pull back, his lips remained puckered in shock.

“Thanks for winning the game for us, Cap.” You boop his nose then move to settle into a seat at the edge of the nearest picnic table and lean forward onto your elbows as you spare Tony a glance.

Beside him, Pepper is happily in shock at your display. As is almost everyone else on the team.

“When did that happen?” Pepper asks quietly in Tony’s ear and he gives his head a minute shake.

Your eyes meet his and for one long moment, you silently dare him to say something. As much as he may try to hide it, you can see the flame in his eyes, the jealous edge that cuts at your poor hopeful heart.

More than the snark, the cold fire in his eyes, and the forced calm of his form tells you all you need to know about how Tony really feels about you.

Steve comes to sit by you, leaning in to whisper happy praise for your chosen reward in your ear, and you tear your eyes away from Tony to give Steve your undivided attention.

It doesn’t stop. It never stops. The wanting and the yearning. The need to fill that hole that can never really be filled.

That incessant need to be cared for. To be given affection. That desire to feel desired and wanted.

It’s always there and it’s always been easily met with an invitation to get a cup of coffee with Wanda or Nat. Thor inviting you out for a walk. Sam reaching out for a sparring partner, or Clint needing a live target for practice.

A small gesture of inclusion and your deepest of stirrings is quelled.

You don’t like to think about why you feel this way. You dream about it enough.

Sometimes it’s a small flicker of an image here or the fading memory of something there but lately, it’s coming back vivid and violent.

It always starts out the same.

You’re small. Tiny compared to the two large bodies beside you. One to your left. One to your right.

You lean towards the one on your right at first, clinging to that person’s arm, stroking the soft satin of a fancy dress. It feels nice. It reminds you of that cat from the summer house before it went missing.

You miss that cat and its smooth fluffy fur.

Vermillion. The dress is like a blood-orange, bright and eye-catching but she smells like Chanel. The musk is thick but good, it invades your senses.

You shift on your bed, tossing onto your right.

Images of a beautiful face fill your mind like sudden bursts of color. Twinkling eyes. Full curving lips. Soft skin. An elegant neck. Austere pearls.

She caresses the side of your head then you giggle and lean onto the body on your left.

This one is large. Thick. Heavy. Fat? No. Sturdy. Stocky. Tall and built like a rhino with a rounded belly but he’s not fat.

He chuckles and wraps you up in his large, black tuxedo clad arm. You fist the side of his jacket, stroking this material too but the red satin is far softer. This musky scent is better though.

He smells like wood, with the bitter tang of pepper creosote from his cigar. You don’t mind. It smells like home. He smells safe. He smells like you’re shielded, and nothing can ever harm you.

You toss onto your back, groaning as you frown. Daddy. Your mind thinks.

The ambient whoosh draws you closer and closer to sleep.

You pass out, clinging to him, a tiny smile on your lips.

Life is perfect. The soft babble of their words helps lull you. Her tinkling laugh sounds far away but it’s beautiful and you wish you could laugh like she does.

It makes him chuckle and you can feel the love between them.

They fade away and you’re in darkness. You’re standing alone with nothing and no one around you.

Only, it’s not you. The girl is older. Much older. Like Mommy. Who is she? She looks like mommy too but not exactly. She looks like a cheap imitation. Not as beautiful. Not as sweet.

“Daddy?” You open your mouth to speak and the girl in the darkness opens her mouth to speak too.

You freeze as your young mind catches up with your dream. You’re the cheap imitation.

She takes a step forward, that mock-mommy. She splits into two. The other one turns to look at you and you’re staring at yourself, confused.

“Who-?” You begin to ask but the other one opens her mouth to ask too. “Who are-?”

She cuts you off again. You sigh.

The other you smiles, too wide. It’s scary. Your little child heart thrums wildly as fear and panic bubble up in your tiny guts.

You shift uncomfortably, fighting the terror that begins to spread through you.

She presses her hand to her chest, laying it flat against her breasts before she begins to cup it until only her fingertips are touching your shirt.

You stare at her movements, unsure of what you’re looking at.

It takes every bit of courage not to run.

She pulls her hand away from her chest and then lays it flat out in front of you.

You look down and at the very center of her palm is a small silver gleam, the brightest bit of teal at the very edges. It shimmers and shakes chaotically while the silver sits still, stretching and constricting back into place.

For a moment all you can do is stare at the silver and teal. This light is scary.

You groan, kicking your legs as your hands fist your sheets.

When you look back up at her, her eyes are gone. They are black pools of threat and your little heart panics.

The silver and teal light releases a pulse and you’re blind.

You hear panicked cries. Mommy…she’s scared.

“No.” You whimper.

Daddy’s arm is gone from you and you open your eyes to see that same silver pulsing around you.

“What’s happening?” Mommy asks, “What is that? What’s she doing?”

It takes you a moment to realize she’s talking about you.

Daddy is forcing the steering wheel to the left and the right. The sounds of the tires squealing against the asphalt of the road is loud and nearly drowns out their screams. Almost.

“Hold on!” Daddy shouts, but the light flashes once more and the car is suddenly up in the air.

You can see Mommy and Daddy floating around you. They’re not moving and you’re safe beside them.

It’s all over in one violent tumble.

The car lands with a loud metallic clatter. It rolls and rolls, tossing them around with abandon. You hear their bones crack and break. Femur, humerus, ribs, neck; one sickening crunch after the other.

Crimson paints the air, it paints the car and the pavement beneath.

As the shatter of glass dies and your body falls painfully onto the street between them, you look around, searching for that safety from before. Searching for Daddy. For Mommy.

“Mom…” You cry.

Your eyes meet hers. Dead eyes. Unmoving eyes. She’s gone.

Your own small body feels twisted and battered but not broken. Not like them.

There is no crimson on you that is yours and something in you tells you that it’s you. You did this.

Even as a baby, a little one, you know that you did this. You killed your parents.

“Mom!” You gasp, sitting up with spasms of fear shaking your hands.

They tremble, clutching the thin sheet you’re covering yourself with in tight fists. It all feels so…present.

“Y/N? Your heartrate is elevated. You seem to be having an episode. Shall I alert the infirmary?” F.R.I.D.A.Y.’s accented voice fills your room with a soft worried whisper.

It always astonishes you, how concerned she seems. Like she’s really genuinely worried about you. Like she can really feel it. Like she’s not just a bunch of ones and zeroes programmed to have just the exact right responses.

“No.” You tell her, and she turns up your lights for you, dimming them up slightly as you throw your blanket off and place your feet on the soft black carpet of your bedroom.

You’re still reeling, trying to come to grips with the here and now and not the lifeless bodies of your parents floating around your head. Instead of your parents, in your room there are several small objects floating above their designated spots.

Your glass jewelry box on your nightstand. Your laptop. Several books on your desk. The picture of you and the team on your nightstand. Your shoes by the end of your bed.

“Are you sure?” F.R.I.D.A.Y. persists. “You seem to be having a fit.”

You scoff. Only one person would call what’s happening that.

“Yes. I’m sure.”

Shutting your eyes, you sigh, heartbeat finally leveling out.

“Would you like me to tell Tony-?”

“No!” You nearly scream, rising to your feet and looking for a face though you know there’s none to look at. “No. I’m fine. I just…give me a minute.”

Your stuff falls, crashing back into place. You hear the glass of your jewelry box shatter. You’ll have to buy a new one.

You stumble to the bathroom and switch the light on. Your bare feet slap gently as you cross the cold beige and gold marble tile to the sink with a quiet plap, plap, plap.

The counter becomes your center. You cling to the white concrete desperately as you stare at your reflection in the large backlit mirror.

You’re pale and sweaty. Clammy. Cold trickles of perspiration along your temples and above your lip. With trembling hands, you wipe it away.

This hasn’t happened for so long that it’s caught you off guard. Normally, there’s a build-up. The memories start slowly during waking hours. Small images of lovely people, loving and caring. Over time it all leads up to that night.

The night you killed them.

You shut your eyes tight, wishing the images away. All you can see are your mom’s eyes. Once brilliant with life not dead and staring. Daddy’s body twisted in strange and impossible angles.

You dip down into your sink and down as much water as your belly will let you drink.

It doesn’t help. Maybe a real drink? You have one so rarely. Drunk you is not good with your abilities.

Mistakes have been made. Bail has been paid. It’s how you ended up here. On the team.

Tony should have left me where I was.

The bitter thought falls away as you wander down the hallway towards the kitchen.

Thankfully, it’s empty.

You go straight for the whiskey. You pour yourself too much. You drink it. Then pour another glass before moving to sit at the island.

The brown slosh hurts your throat as it goes down. It burns, but it burns so good. Because you don’t drink very often, just one glass makes you lightheaded. The second pushes you towards unconsciousness.

Not fast enough. You start with it held between your carefully folded left arm, right hand clutching the small old-fashioned crystal glass tight as if you’re afraid it might get snatched away. As you drink, you drift forward until your heated cheek is pressed against the cool counter.

You kick your legs, swinging them casually as you stare across the kitchen at the fine, black modern cabinet. Not really seeing it but playing the moment you killed your parents over and over and over.

You see other moments too. The moment your godparents saw you use your abilities. They watched you with terror in their eyes. The next thing you knew you were in a home for girls.

You see the nice couple who took you next. Then the girl’s home again when they too became terrified of you. Then the next. A faceless couple that you were with for only two days. Then the next two were also faceless.

You lived your adolescent life out in the home.

You see yourself on your eighteenth birthday. You’re excited, dancing with the prospect of becoming a “real” woman. Or so you’d thought at the time.

You come home, smiling at the promise of the cheap birthday cake that you know you’ll get. You see your smile waver as you approach the fence of the home and two boxes full of your things are piled on the sidewalk.

Two homeless women are rifling through the clothes. Fighting over your favorite pair of jeans.

You scamper towards them, hold out your hand and you don’t mean to slip up. You don’t.

Stunning silver-teal burns them. They fly back several feet and crash against the sidewalk painfully as you hold your hand out towards them, palm open.

You shut it quickly and turn away from them as they stare at you with hate and fear. You hurry and shove your clothes back into the box they’d been looking through and shut it.

With both boxes carefully piled into your arms, you look up at the doorway to the home. Your home…Mrs. Meyerson watches you through a split in the blinds of the front window and when she sees you spot her; she shuts them and ignores you.

“Y/N?” His voice is like the hymn of angels.

It’s hot. It burns like your whiskey and tastes just as rich.

“Tony.” You whisper, a sad whimper.

You don’t lift your head because you’re crying. You don’t want him to see.

“Hey.” His voice is so soft. So gentle. F.R.I.D.A.Y. must have told him something was wrong.

He moves around you and comes into view, leaning forward a bit so that he can be more on your level as he looks at your face, still pressed against the cool counter.

“Hi.” You cry.

“Busted out the big guns, huh?” He reaches out and takes your drink from you.

You don’t fight him. The only one who you wouldn’t.

“They didn’t want me.” You sigh, sniffling as you struggle to keep from sobbing. That hole, the one that never fills right at the center of your chest aches. “None of them wanted me. They…they were afraid of me.”

Tony puts the whiskey aside and leans his elbows against the counter, getting close so that he can speak quietly. Just to you.

“Having a little pity party?” He asks, a small smile offered. “You’re drunk.”

“Yes.” You agree, reaching up to wipe at your dripping nose.

“That’s sexy.” He rattles, moving closer to stand beside you.

He’s close. You can feel the heat from his body. Dark gray t-shirt. Black sleep pants. He smells so good. Like aftershave and coconut shampoo. Despite his close proximity, he folds his arms onto the counter, shoving his hands underneath his arms as if he’s determined to keep his hands to himself.

You lean towards him but don’t touch him. He doesn’t want your touch. You know that. It makes you sob once.

“Tony?” You sigh, staring down at your hands in your lap, lower lip quivering helplessly as you’re that little girl again. Wrapped in her daddy’s safe arms. Loved by her mom. Peacefully sleeping when that nightmare awakens something within you and then the car is sent flying.

“Yeah?” He knows what he’s doing. He’s being so careful with you.

His tone is softer than it’s been in a long time. You know that it’s your fault. You’re always so forward. Throwing yourself at him. Making suggestive comments and just being a downright dumbass. You should stop it.

You look at him, blubbering still and the way that his soft brown hair sticks up at odd angles because he’s just freshly showered and was actually probably still bathing when F.R.I.D.A.Y. told him you were having a fit.

You want him. Damn it all.

With a lick to your lips, you shake your head. “I killed them, Tony.”

You sob, hating yourself. Hating your gifts. Hating your life.

“I killed them. I did. I did that. I killed them.” You repeat, as if saying it any other way will possibly make it stick any harder than it’s already sticking.

It startles you into silence when Tony pulls his left arm out and then slides his hand back behind your neck, up into your hair to hold the back of your head. He caresses you, comforting you. Loving you?

That isn’t platonic in his eyes. There’s that fire from the day on the paintball field in his eyes again. When you told him you’d go find someone else to fill your needs. When you kissed Steve.

It’s there. You can see it. Up close. He wants you. Like you want him. Why won’t he—oh, right, Pepper.

With his hand on you though, you can’t focus on her enough to care.

You lean in more towards him, burrowing into the crook of his arm. For one whole second he holds you tight. He wraps you up and pulls your head against his chest and you’re right where you want to be.

Then there’s the sound of feet from the hallway and he’s leaning against the far counter while you catch yourself on the edge of the island.

You stare up at him, still crying and now confused.

“Tony?” You ask, searching his face but he’s got his back to you now as he dumps out your whiskey.

“No more alcohol. We don’t need you lifting cars onto the roof again.” He throws at you, back tense through his t-shirt.

“Tony?” You check again, wanting to see his eyes, to have him look at you with that fire again.

Had you imagined it? Is it all in your head?

“Look, kid, just take a shower and get to bed, alright? Stop thinking about this stuff.” He orders.

Does he think you started to think about your parents on a whim? You’d dreamt about them! Bastard.

“Tony?” Another voice, deep, smooth, almost monotone in its calm nature.

You can hear the inflection of emotion because you’re so used to his voice. Steve.

“What’s going on?” He asks, looking from Tony to you.

“I…I had-” You begin but Tony cuts you off.

“A few too many. I was just sending her to bed before she puts my cars on the roof again.” He finally turns around and his face is back in its detached control.

When he looks at you, there is no fire anymore. Just stern disapproval.

Jerk.

Your shoulders slump and you make a point of sitting quiet as Steve continues to stare at you.

Clearly, you’re still upset about something. You’re still crying. Your cheeks are stained in tear tracks. You worry your lip as you wait for Tony to leave. You don’t want to be around him when he’s like this with you.

Not right now. Not when you already have all of those other people in your memory pushing you away.

“What’s the matter with Y/N? Why is she crying?” Steve wonders, genuine concern in his voice.

Tony’s had been just as worried if not more so a second ago.

“I don’t know.” Tony lies. “I’m going to bed. Pepper’s waiting.”

He says this for you, and you know that he’s drawing that line again. The line that he crossed. Continues to cross. You hate him.

You look at him.

You love him.

“Night.” Steve tells him but when Tony speaks, it’s for you.

“Go to bed. Stop drinking.” He says but you don’t respond.

He leaves and Steve settles into the seat beside you.

“You smell like the bottom of a bottle.” He observes. “How much did you have?”

You shrug.

“Not talking to me now?”

You shrug again.

“Y/N?” It’s his tone that pulls your gaze up to meet his own storm blue eyes.

His blonde hair looks soft and brushed out. His beard is full but neatly trimmed. He looks good for Steve.

Okay…he looks good for anyone. He’s a hunk. But he’s not your hunk.

“What’s going on?” He asks, reaching out to place his hand on the back of your shoulder.

“I had a nightmare.” You admit, licking your lips once more. “About my parents.”

Steve already knows what happened with your parents. He doesn’t need an explanation.

Tony had consulted him before you were allowed on the team after all.

He nods, understanding you in an instant. For a long moment he thinks.

You can see the idea forming in his head and only after you’re stuck staring at him with unbridled curiosity does he turn to sit facing you. One hand on the back of your chair, the other placed on the counter in front of you.

“I like you.” He says, just like that.

You’re drunk. Hearing him say that, throws you.

“What?” You ask, narrowing your eyes at him confused. You must be hearing things.

“You heard me.” He says, stern, hard. No games.

“Steve…” You start, blinking hard to clear the buzz from your head.

“I know…” He sighs, scooting in closer as he grabs hold of your seat and turns you to face him. “I know where your head is. And your heart.”

Your cheeks flare. They flame and burn, and your neck burns too. You haven’t exactly tried to hide how you feel about Tony but to be called out on it?

“I can’t speak as to where his head is at, but I know that he’s not going to look your way with Pepper there.”

You hate Steve too. You look down at his chest, hating the knowing glint in his eyes.

His thumb and forefinger close around the tip of your chin and tilt your head back until you can look into his eyes again.

“What I can tell you is that I’m interested. I wasn’t playing when I said and did all those things. I don’t know if maybe you thought I was just flirting, but I wasn’t. I like you.” He confesses.

You’re so startled that your heart pounds. You shake your head, but he doesn’t release you. If anything, he leans in closer.

“I can’t give you what you want.” You tell him, knowing that all deep affection is diverted to the jerk that just left the room.

“I know.” He acknowledges. “What can you give me?”

Is he seriously asking?

“I-”

“It doesn’t have to be detailed, Y/N. I just…I’m not exactly in a place to make commitments either. This job we have, it’s tough. I’ve left love behind for it before and odds are, I’ll have to do it again. I’m not going into this with any illusions. I just want to pass the time with you.

“You’re funny and you never do what I expect you to do. You’re easy to talk to and you’re sexy as hell.” He smiles and you’re suddenly very aware of your stupid blubbering face and how much of a mess it actually is.

“Yeah, right.” You gasp, yanking your chin out of his grip.

“You are.” He insists. “You’re not like other people and I like that. So, what can you give me?”

You think. You think hard and as fast as you can.

He’s right. Tony is never going to give in. He’s never going to look at you the way you see him. You’re tired of feeling alone and unwanted. Steve is offering you a little bit of companionship. It’s not love but it’s not being alone.

Maybe you should know better but it’s too tempting. And it’s been a while. Your libido is going to go dormant if you don’t get under someone soon.

That’s what you decide you can give him.

“I can’t love you.” You tell him.

“That’s…that’s okay.” He says.

“I think I can like you.” You sigh. “Kissing you wasn’t bad.”

“Oh,” He chuckles. “That’s good to know. Thanks.”

You smile, eased by his amusement. He’s right. He’s easy to talk to as well.

With trembling hands, you reach up to trace the outline of his chest through his t-shirt. He’s so hard. Super Soldier perfection. It doesn’t mean as much like Tony’s physique does because Steve gets this on default, but you’d be lying if you said it isn’t nice.

He puts his hand over yours and holds it against his chest.

“Is this a yes? You’ll be with me?” He asks, hopeful.

After a second, you nod. He leans in towards you, excitement in his eyes.

“We’re not a couple.” Your clarification stops him in his tracks. “But we’re also not, not a couple. I want you. I do. It’s been such a long time and I…are you a virgin?”

You suddenly ask him this, wondering because of his past with Peggy. You’re not sure he would have had the time to be with her back then.

Steve laughs genuinely amused by your question before he hops off of his stool. He grabs you, one arm underneath your legs, the other your back as he lifts you up into his arms and begins to walk with you towards his bedroom.

“Guess that rumor’s still floating around. Nat?” He asks.

You nod, reaching up to hold him around his neck.

“Don’t worry, doll-face. We’ll get that rumor cleared up.”

“Right now?” You ask, slightly startled at the prospect of sleeping with Steve so quickly.

“Unless you wanna wait?” He asks, stopping just outside your doorway.

You bite your lips, considering for a moment the prospect of sleeping in that bed again, your dreams fresh and vivid.

“No.” You protest. “Kiss me, Steve.”

He dips his head and continues on, kissing the whiskey away.

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tracingdreams · 5 years

Text

Daiya no Ace: The Dramas - Special “They’re Doing An Interview!” Part II

An explanation… To keep my brain from rusting I started a project to translate the drama tracks that came with the character song CDs and other stuff relating to Daiya no Ace (because I love them and they’re all hilarious). My disclaimer - I am not a native speaker of Japanese, but I will do my best!

Daiya no Ace Season II: Drama CD, Track 01: “They’re Doing An Interview!”(Part II of III)

This is a longer drama from a proper Drama CD, and so I have split it into three parts accordingly. The whole drama also has quite a wide cast <3.

Part II - Featuring Miyuki, Furuya, Sawamura, Kanemaru, Toujou, Haruichi.

The story so far….

Miyuki has been told by Rei that there are magazine interviewers coming to speak to the students about their play. After freaking out Zono, Miyuki has headed off to talk to the first years about it.

Furuya: An article interview?

Kanemaru: We’re going to be in a magazine?

Tōjō : Which means…we’ll be read about all over Japan.

Furuya: Even my parents in Hokkaidou?

Eijun: My grandpa out in the sticks, too!

Miyuki: Yep, that’s about the size of it.

Eijun: WOOOOOOOOAH! This is really a huge deal then, isn’t it!

Miyuki: What the heck’s with you, suddenly yelling like that? It’s not that big a deal!

Eijun: No, no, no, it’s…now how do I put this…you know…

Miyuki: What!?

Eijun: For example, um…for those of us at school with family that’s far away…well, that family is probably worrying about things. “Is he doing okay?” or “Is he bothered about anything?”

Miyuki: Ah…mm…yeah, I suppose that’s true.

Eijun: Right! And at that very moment! Um…for example, say…Harucchi…

Haruichi: Eh? Me?

Eijun: Yeah. Say Harucchi, in the interview, when asked what his senpai are like, answers with something like, ‘they’re all great people, but they can also be really strict!”

Kanemaru: Well, that’s a normal kind of answer to give, isn’t it?

Eijun: BUT! What if, when Harucchi’s family read it, they worry, ‘what does he mean by strict? Are things just really hard for him?’, and fret about it. Surely that would be an unbearable shock for them? They might think, ‘Haruichi, are you all right?!’

Kanemaru: They wouldn’t think that!

Eijun: But, think, if the image in the article showed him with a troubled expression, and it tugged at their hearts…

Kanemaru: (annoyed): What expression are you talking about now? It’s not gonna happen like that!

Harucchi: It’s true. In my case, my brother’s here as well, so…

Miyuki: Honestly, I’m amazed you can think up all of that as a scenario.

Eijun: BUT!

Kanemaru: In that case, are your family going to worry about you?

Eijun: Huh?

Kanemaru: Is your grandpa gonna be like, (he adopts a frail old person voice) ‘Is Eijun all right?’?

Eijun: (thinks hard, then): Nope. No way.

Kanemaru: Then it’s not going to happen in other houses, either!

Eijun: Ah….I…see.

Miyuki: Seriously. You really are ‘Bakamura’.

Eijun: (growls): But the effect of mass media…!

Miyuki: (cuts across him): In any case, that’s the situation. I’m relying on you guys!

First years: Yes sir!

(and Miyuki leaves. Escapes, while he can, before Eijun starts on one of his long tangents!)

Tōjō: But…you know…it does make you kinda nervous, doesn’t it? To be interviewed for a magazine.

Kanemaru: Well…yeah. I guess so.

Furuya: What will we be asked?

Haruichi: Ah! Maybe we should have asked Miyuki-senpai that!

Kanemaru: That reminds me. Miyuki-senpai’s been interviewed like this before, hasn’t he? In the same magazine.

Tōjō: Huh? Has he?

Kanemaru: Right, Sawamura?

Eijun: Mm…mm.

Haruichi: Eijun-kun, did you read it? That article.

Eijun, Yeah, I did.

Tōjō: What kind of things was he asked, and how did he respond?

Eijun: Erm…what was it now? The thing he’s best at cooking is…fried rice? Something like that.

Haruichi: Eeeeh?!

Kanemaru: Are you for real? Best cooking dish?

Furuya: (shock): Best…cooking…

Kanemaru: They ask stuff like that? Tōjō, do you have a best cooking dish?

Tōjō: No! I can’t cook!

Kanemaru: Me either! This isn’t good! What are we meant to do?

Eijun: Well, I feel like that’s what was written…but also, maybe it wasn’t…

Kanemaru: Which one!?

Eijun: Well…at that time…I was just impressed that he was in a magazine as a first year. My head was kind of full of that fact…the truth is…I don’t really remember the contents…

(there is a long silence).

Furuya: Ah. You don’t remember.

Haruichi: Ah.

Kanemaru: What do you mean? Don’t scare us like that!

Tōjō: So, realistically, what should we talk about?

Haruichi: If you think logically, it would probably be focused on baseball, right?

Tōjō: I see. So basically our ‘appeal points’ then? [Translator note – I think he means as players, but you know, knowing Tōjō, maybe not ;)]

Haruichi: Yeah, something like that.

Furuya: Appeal point?

Kanemaru: Your strengths as a player…your special features, what they are, stuff like that.

Tōjō: But…it’s surprisingly hard to do. It’s not something you can easily recognise in yourself.

Haruichi: Furuya-kun’s are already well established, though. With his strong pitching arm, or the ‘Kaibutsu-kun’ nickname (Translator note: Kaibutsu = monster).

Tōjō: Mmhm, that’s true.

Furuya: Mm…but…(it seems like he’s blushing).

Eijun: Don’t get all embarrassed about it! It’s not like you at all, Furuya!

Haruichi: It’s difficult to say things like that about yourself, though.

Kanemaru: But you’re the same, Kominato. Your special feature is pretty obvious.

Haruichi: Uh…me?

Tōjō: Of course! To use a wooden bat in high school is pretty unusual.

Haruichi: Ah…I see.

Eijun: In that case, the write up would be something like this, right? ‘Drawn out from beneath his angelic appearance, and inheriting from his brother his slightly wild remarks, the wooden bat wielding demon, Kominato Haruichi!’

Haruichi: Hey! Stop making me sound like a movie title!

Furuya: I feel like I’ve heard of that movie…

Kanemaru: More to the point, (to Eijun), you’re really good at coming out with random things about people.

Eijun: Hahaha! It’s a gift!

Kanemaru: That kind of talent is totally unwanted.

Tōjō: But if you have a catchphrase like that, it is memorable.

Kanemaru: Yeah – if your special skills are readily apparent.

Tōjō: Then what if we were to give you a catchphrase, Shinji? What would it be?

Kanemaru: Me?

Eijun: What are Kanemaru’s special play features, anyway?

Tōjō: Well, he’s good at hitting straight balls. And he has power over short distances.

Haruichi: He’s also good with the speed gun.

Kanemaru: (embarrassed): But if you only say good things about me, I’ll get embarrassed. I have a long way to go. I still make errors in important games.

Eijun: In that case, for Kanemaru…

Furuya: Did you think of something?

Eijun: Mm. ‘Incredibly strong at straight-balls! However, a guy who sometimes screws up! That guy Kanemaaaru, Kanemaru Shinji!’

Kanemaru: SAWAMURA! You…

Haruichi: Well, he definitely nailed the key points there.

Tōjō: Then what about you, Sawamura?

Eijun: In my case….hrm…I know. ‘With a roaring left arm, throwing a clear straight ball and seven shades of breaking balls, the Flaming Southpaw, Sawamura Eijun!’

Kanemaru: Why is it that only yours sounds cool?

Haruichi: Mm, and the fact you say it without the slightest bit of embarrassment…that aspect alone is frankly awesome.

Furuya: Seven coloured breaking balls? What does that mean?

Eijun: Well, straight-ball, change-up, then the two seam, the cutter, then there are various types of moving ball…

Kanemaru: The two-seam and the cutter are still under development, aren’t they?

Haruichi: More importantly, including a straight-ball while counting breaking balls is a bit…

Tōjō: But it does seem to fit Sawamura, though…maybe it’s missing something?

Furuya: Yeah, definitely.

Haruichi: I wonder what…something Eijun-kun-like…

Eijun: Like me?

Furuya: If you think about it…

Kanemaru: Ah! If you think of Sawamura, you think ‘idiot’, right?

(Everyone basically sighs).

Eijun: Ah! What’s that? I’m not an idiot!

Kanemaru: What’s with that reaction? You realise it yourself, don’t you?

Eijun: Even if I do, it doesn’t mean I want to hear you guys say it!

Kanemaru: See, you do think so!

Eijun: I don’t think so! Absolutely not!

Tōjō: But even if that’s the case, Sawamura’s catchphrase…(he’s thinking)

Eijun: Hey, no, Tōjō, why are you making it about being stupid?

Haruichi: What could it be?

Kanemaru: A left-handed pitcher…whose key skill is idiocy…

Furuya: Baka-sawan. (Translator’s note, this is a clever wordplay! A Sawan is a southpaw pitcher – literally ‘left arm’, and it also echoes Sawamura’s name. Baka is self explanatory. Basically Furuya calls him the Idiot Southpaw).

Eijun: Furuya! You!

Kanemaru: (laughing): That’s pretty good.

Tōjō: Yes! It’s simple and easy to remember!

Haruichi laughs awkwardly.

Eijun: It’s not in the least bit good! Talking about people as though they’re some kind of idiotic youth…surely there’s a better way of saying it! (Translator’s note – the first part line is an approximation, I can’t make out one of the words because righteously indignant Eijun swallows it in his rantage)

Kanemaru: No, let’s go with it! It fits perfectly.

Eijun: Stop it! If it gets widely known, what will you do then?

Haruichi: Calm down. There’s no way it would be in the actual article.

Eijun: Grrr.

Tōjō: But what kind of questions WILL they ask us?

Kanemaru: What if we’re too nervous to speak at all when the journalist is right there in front of us?

Furuya: Yeah…I feel like it would be nerve-wracking.

Haruichi: If we run over it a few times, maybe we’d get used to it.

Kanemaru: Then, shall we practice?

Eijun: Practice?

Kanemaru: Mm. So I’ll be the interviewer and ask questions…you try to respond to them.

Haruichi: It’s an interview rehearsal!

Eijun: I get it! So that’s what you mean? Ok. Ask me anything!

(To Be Continued in Part III)

#Daiya no Ace #Ace of Diamond #Ace of the Diamond #Drama CD #Season II #Drama Translation #Sawamura Eijun #Furuya Satoru #Kanemaru Shinji #Toujou Hideaki #Miyuki Kazuya #Kominato Haruichi #Baka-sawan #Interview Panic

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ikuzeminna · 4 years

Text

Gundam Wing Recap - Episode 14

"The Order To Destroy 01"

As usual, we have a crapload of things happening this episode. The Romefeller Foundation is revealed and basically, they're a bunch of rich old farts, who think they should rule the world because monarchs are born to do just that and freedom and equality are ineffective crap anyway. It's a good thing Noin patted Relena down before they entered that meeting because the girl would have likely whipped out a machine gun at that point. I mean, she does later consider setting the whole building ablaze.

But Relena still gets to show how impulsive she is by jumping onto the stage and telling everyone there that the Gundams will kick their foolish butts. I find it hilarious how Noin has to scramble after her. Better put a leash on that girl, Noin. The writers also slap us across the face with how similar Heero and Relena are, when Treize meets her face to face for the first time and Heero self-destructing is superimposed on her. I do wonder though how Treize knew what Heero looked like during his big kaboom. Was Zechs filming that? Talking about Zechs, aside from learning from Noin that watching over his little sister is like herding cats and that he likely whips himself every night for being a soldier when his parents were devout pacifists, he is still rebuilding Wing, which the Romefeller bigwigs learn of and as they have extreme knee-jerk reactions when it comes to Gundams, Treize has no choice but to order him to destroy it. Of course Zechs doesn't. Instead, he blows up a dummy, but his ruse falls flat entirely because Inspector Acht is well aware that Zechs would try to pull something like that. Sucks to have a reputation as a Gunpla fan. Back in Marseilles, Heero and Trowa are tracking down Sylvia Noventa so that Heero can start apologizing for accidentally killing the Marshal, since, although the writers painted a very odd (read: lunatic) image of Heero during the first few episodes, what with his laughing at killing people, he does have a bad conscience for his actions and is being incredibly noble about it. Of course OZ and the Alliance choose that time to start a battle in the city. While Trowa is busy keeping his Gundam hidden, evoking heroic sacrifices from random Alliance soldiers, Heero steals a truck and nearly runs an escaping Sylvia over with it. Since hitting the brakes is for wussies, Heero evades by doing a barrel roll, slamming his truck into a wall. And then he gets out like nothing ever happened. Note that he wasn't wearing a seat belt and that one of his arms is gravely injured. Yeah, Heero is so badass, the laws of physics don't apply to him, either. So Heero and Sylvia meet and after putting some flowers to Marshal Noventa's grave, Heero hands Sylvia a gun and confesses his murder. Well, if the protagonist didn't die ten episodes into the show, it's unlikely he'll die fourteen episodes in, so it's entirely unsurprising that Sylvia doesn't shoot him.

Favorite scenes: Relena giving Romefeller a piece of her mind and badass Alliance commanders making heroic decisions. Also, Relena pointing at a MS in response to Noin's question. I don't know why, but I really like that wordless answer. It's so human.

#gundam wing #recap #episode 14 #heero yuy #sylvia noventa #relena peacecraft #lucrezia noin #romefeller #humor

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sylleboi · 5 years

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𝕰𝖓𝖈𝖔𝖚𝖓𝖙𝖊𝖗

Unit 8: Developing an art and design project.

For our FMP (Final Major Project), we are required to do some research activities. This includes the following;

Select an image or and object that inspires you. This could be something in your home/garden/room/journal. Take a photo of it and explain why you selected it.

Select an image of an artwork or design in a museum collection that you like.

Select a quote or textual reference that interests you. This could be a passage from a book you have read, a headline from a newspaper or magazine, text from a comic book or graphic novel, something inspirational someone has said or written, a song lyric, etc.

Afterward, we are told to ask someone that we know to do the same and to make sure to document their responses. Ask them to tell you about their choices and make a note of what they say.

Create drawings/sketches/doodles based on the research you have collected. These will be necessary for the next part.

Using all of the material you have collected, create a collage/mixed media piece/image that visualises your ‘encounter’ with the person you spoke to.

By the end, we are expected to be able to present all of the above in the first week of our FMP, making sure that it can be presented in an appropriate format such as a sketchbook, blog, production file or portfolio.

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01: Select an image or and object that inspires you. This could be something in your home/garden/room/journal. Take a photo of it and explain why you selected it.

For the selection of the image/object that personally inspires me, I chose plants as a general. I have always grown up around greenery, helping my parents in the garden since I was a kid. It was an unavoidable thing to encounter in the Danish countryside where I grew up. I have always found that the cycle of growth, death and surviving is inspirational to me. I have gone through many things in my life already, most of them not coming from a healthy place, but having plants decorating every possible wall and surface in my room was helped me more than I initially would have thought that it could. I felt less alone; like I had a reason to live, although it might seem little to some, I couldn’t end things for good, knowing I would completely abandon all those plants; living organisms; sending them to deteriorate with me. Although I am doing better, I cant seem to fully feel and be me without the presence of the green leaves and spiky cacti all around.

Below is a picture of all the plants I currently own:

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02: Select an image of an artwork or design in a museum collection that you like.

This step took me some thinking to do- I have many favorites that come to mind when thinking of artworks that I feel some sort of connection to, but I found myself coming back to one specifically, multiple times; Lucifer by Franz Von Stuck. My first encounter with this painting was in a museum in Germany. I was touring with my music school and our choir, (Ollerup Efterskole kor 16/17), in which we were allowed time off to just wander around the different cities we went to, exploring all the different corners of each destination. With some friends, we found a museum in Erfurt.

I don’t remember the name of it, but I recall it to be quite small. I picked up a magazine in there, showing different old paintings and artists, all German. That was where I found a small picture showing the work of Franz Von Stuck and the piece Lucifer.

Below is a picture of this painting:

Lucifer, Franz Von Stuck, c. 1890

I feel as if there are many different reasons as to why I was so immediately drawn into this. At the point that I was in my life when I saw this painting, I was going through some tough times. Within the magazine, around all of the colourful landscape paintings and portraits, this stood out immensely. There’s little colour and light, making for less clear information for your eyes to read, causing you to fill in the gaps yourself.

This is something I myself have adapted into my own artwork, for the main reason being how I find it intriguing and fun to twist people's minds to think and see something different every time they lay eyes on a piece of artwork.

One thing that I have found myself to have adapted since discovering this piece of artwork is the eyes; the way I draw them has changed over the years after seeing Franz’s art. Below are various examples of this:

I have found inspiration in his artwork, the darkness of it, the lighter aspects and everything in between, but it is not only his use of colour and shade that I admire but the way that he has managed to convey emotion. I personally find myself to aspire to be able to convey it as successfully as he has here; the rawness of it makes it all the better.

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03: Select a quote or textual reference that interests you. This could be a passage from a book you have read, a headline from a newspaper or magazine, text from a comic book or graphic novel, something inspirational someone has said or written, a song lyric, etc.

For the quote, I knew right away what I wanted to pick; a lyric from a boy band called Brockhampton, more specifically from their song J’ouvert.

youtube

One of my favorites in this group is a guy called Russell Boring, but is better known as JOBA.

In J’ouvert, his verse goes as such:

'Til the casket drops, I will play God Fuck the world, let's start a riot Got too much, too quick God damn, I'm feelin' sick, bitch, call the doctor Don't act like I ain't been dead to ya Don't act like I ain't deserve this shit Couldn't last a day inside my head That's why I did the drugs I did Got issues with these motherfuckers Looking down from they pedestals From that petty view, on that petty shit Pray for peace with a knife in my hand Speak my piece like a gun to my head Come equipped just to blast this shit Misunderstood since birth Fuck what you think, and fuck what you heard I feel betrayed, you can keep the praise And all of the fuck shit need to get away Still ain't got the fright to the fickle-minded people I thought I knew better, wish I knew better Should have known better, wish that I was better At dealing with the fame and you fake motherfuckers Guess I'm too real

But the part that really hits deep with me is near the end of the verse, which is the highlighted part; (I thought I knew better, wish I knew better, Should have known better, wish that I was better).

This quote hits deep for several different reasons, but mostly it’s on the background of how I’ve been raised; how I’ve been taught to see and view the world, as well as myself. My parents have always been there to push me further; which I don’t see much wrong in, but well...

If I came home with a B, all that I’d get back would be odd looks of disappointment and “Huh... a B? Why not an A? or an A+?”.

Still, this ideology is stuck with me. I always feel as if I should know better, should do better and be better. - I don’t think I’ll be able to let go of this for some time, although I’ve tried countless times. I believe it’s built on the fear that If I don’t live to impress my family, they will completely cut me out of their lives; as they have done on all social media already. It used to be a go-to threat that would echo through the house a year ago. ; “Do this, and this will happen”. - Come out to your friends as trans? Well, then we’ll force you to wear a dress while touring Denmark and Germany with the choir in your boarding school:

Ever since I physically removed myself from that place, it’s been a process of healing. In Joba’s verse in J’ouvert there is another part that applies seamlessly to what I used to feel and probably still feel quite a lot today, marked in bold:

I’ve been through so much at this point, that things such as people talking behind my back, calling me names, or doubting me seems so little and worthless. I simply don’t care anymore; Don’t care what people I barely known thinks of me, don’t care what they’ve heard about me. I am who I am and no one can take that away from me, at least not anymore.

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04: Afterward, we are told to ask someone that we know to do the same and to make sure to document their responses. Ask them to tell you about their choices and make a note of what they say.

I chose a good friend of mine to fill in the other side of the coin for this task. I let them explain everything since I feel that it’s personal to them, and they will know how to word it the best; I simply just asked them questions.

01.2: “Why have you chosen this object, and what is it?”

“I chose this to be the object because it has great sentimental value to me, but from first glance to those who don’t know what it is - it seems ordinary. The picture is an illusion piece, by tricking your eyes to look at the pattern a certain way, the background appears to completely drop back - as if there is depth to it - and from the background, an Eagle of the same colours emerges. What is interesting about this object, is not only that it first belonged to my late grandmother who gave it to my father (her son), and then my mother but also that it appears only me and my family are able to see it. As far as I know, the illusion hasn’t been worked out by anyone else who we’ve showed it to; it’s almost like our own personal piece of art.”

02.2: “What painting did you choose, and why?”

Artwork: NIGHTMARE FUEL by Oleg Vdovenko

“This piece of art has been the center of a great deal of curiosity and confusion for many years, for me at least. I’ve always wanted to understand it, and if ever came the opportunity I would love to ask Oleg Vdovenko what exactly is happening within the piece, the story behind this strange and somehow almost religious scene. The piece is so compelling, and as a writer, it has always made me want to understand the events leading up to the scene in this painting.”

03.2: “Which quote have you chosen, and why this in particular?”

Quote 15, by Plato.

“This quote speaks to me primarily because I am someone who as a child was fascinated by sleep. I have always been interested in sleep, what happens and where exactly we go. Training myself to achieve lucid sleep was something I used to do often as a child, as well as practicing the art of being able to remember dreams. Even now in my young adult years, I still continue to write down my dreams and remember each of them very clearly due to the practice that I did as a child. Sometimes, as someone who has experienced the less desirable aspects of sleep as well (i.e. sleep paralysis and insomnia) the line between asleep and awake can become blurred. This quote really spoke to me, and made me recognizer the existential idea that we may never know if we are truly all just asleep, or awake.”

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05: Create drawings/sketches/doodles based on the research you have collected. These will be necessary for the next part.

Below are some scans of some doodles and sketches that I did while just letting go and try not to think too much whilst drawing;

06: Using all of the material you have collected, create a collage/mixed media piece/image that visualizes your ‘encounter’ with the person you spoke to.

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16ruedelaverrerie · 6 years

Photo

[Today, Courtesy of This Diagram Generated by @sebdoesstuff, a Performative Reading of the Natal Chart of Detective Gavin Reed, Born October 7, 2002, in What We Take to Be Detroit, Michigan, at an Unknown Time of Day. All Standard Disclaimers from This Post Apply, Including the One about This Being a Generalization, Because Even with the Natal Chart We’re Not Going to Get into Aspects or Full Houses vs Empty Houses or Anything Like That, I’m Not an Astrologer Nor Was I Meant to Be, Also I Need to Go Eat Dinner Now]

1. Rising Sign: presentation Sagittarius (blunt, outgoing, independent)

[The rising sign is dependent on the time of birth; it’s Sagittarius here because 12PM is the default time this website uses. My original choice for Gavin’s rising sign was Aries, because an Aries is just a Leo with an inferiority complex THAT’S RIGHT FIGHT ME ARIES but I rather like Sagittarius, actually! Did you know that every man I have ever been into but also simultaneously hated myself for being into had a Sagittarius sun sign? It’s a personal note you didn’t ask for but also it’s a broadly applicable truth.]

“I’ll make my own scrambled eggs,” says Gavin. “You cook like someone who made a deal with the devil to trade in their taste buds for pointlessly overdeveloped fine motor skills, which is exactly what you are. Your food tastes like a fucking instruction manual.”

“Is that any way to talk to your lawfully wedded husband?” asks RK900.

“THE LAW IS NOT JUSTICE,” proclaims Gavin.

Capitulating to the oppressive institution of marriage had provided them with certain tax benefits, muses RK900, but it had not done a thing to socialize Gavin. It's just as well, he thinks.

2. Sun: personality 14 degrees Libra (diplomatic, superficial, indulgent)

[Again, this post is probably more than enough contemplation of Gavin Reed, Actual Libra. This sun sign continues to be completely absurd and I am on board for this bogus journey.]

“No wait, not-- not from the back,” pants Gavin, struggling to turn himself over under RK900′s insistent hands. “I want-- I want to see your face.”

“Okay,” breathes RK900, startled by the tenderness of the request.

“I mean, otherwise there’s no point,” continues Gavin. “What? You think I’m with you for your personality?”

“...Thanks, you ruined it,” says RK900.

3. Moon: emotion 01 degree Scorpio (passionate, secretive, committed)

“You... I...” falters Gavin, fidgeting viciously with the zipper of his jacket. “...What I mean is-- that is to say, I... here’s the thing, you’re... I’m in-- I might be in-- ...I-- you--”

“Would you find this ordeal easier if we were both undressed and I was banging you like a screen door in a hurricane?” asks RK900, because it isn’t like he doesn’t know what Gavin is trying to say, anyway.

“Yes please right now,” says Gavin.

4. Mercury: intellect 28 degrees Virgo (analytical, detail-oriented, perfectionist)

“Reed, this is ridiculous,” barks Fowler. “Your report was due two weeks ago, I can’t have you sit on your ass forever. Just get it done.”

“But have you seen the body text typeface for the new electronic filing system?” protests Gavin. “The x-height on it is hideously minuscule! What it does to the counters-- it’s completely illegible, Captain! I am ASPHYXIATED by its lack of sufficient aperture! I can’t work in typographical squalor, this aesthetic is a disgrace to the force! I QUIT!”

“Your gun and badge,” says Fowler.

5. Venus: relationship 15 degrees Scorpio (loyal, possessive, adventurous)

“Here’s a handbook of sexual perversions that I’ve compiled for you,” says Gavin. He drops a gargantuan dossier in front of RK900, where it lands with a thunk hard enough to make the table shake.

“I... really don’t think this is necessary,” says RK900.

“Listen, I would literally keel over and die of grief if for some reason you suddenly decided to go slam your cock inside someone else instead of me,” says Gavin. “Tell me what freaky shit you’re into, and I’ll do it. You tell me what it takes to keep you around.”

“Isn’t there a nicer way of saying all this?” asks RK900.

6. Mars: action 24 degrees Virgo (occupied, particular, critical)

“This folder is for solved cases that haven’t been filed yet,” says Gavin, cursor hovering. “This folder is for solved cases that are partially filed. This folder is for solved cases involving drug offenses. This folder is for all cases east of Woodward but west of Broadway. This folder is for bad crimes. This folder is for cases that when I looked at them, I was like, huh! This folder is--”

“Please, your organizational scheme doesn’t make any sense,” says RK900. “I’ve had to patch up several critical errors during your attempt to explain it just now.”

“It works! I have a system!” insists Gavin. “You know how Fowler feels about me, would I still be here if I didn’t have a system that worked and got cases cleared?”

“Your continued employment at this station is a source of persistent mystery to me,” says RK900.

7. Jupiter: development 13 degrees Leo (dramatic, proud, demonstrative)

“You requested me?” demands Gavin as soon as the door to Fowler’s office swings closed, too befuddled to let his irritation silence him. “You asked to be partnered with me? What the fuck did you do that for?”

“You have... unorthodox methods, Detective Gavin Reed,” says RK900. “The capacity for improvisation is a quality I find lacking in myself. I intend to learn from your extraordinary proficiency in adapting to unforeseen circumstances.”

Gavin opens his mouth, only to close it again without managing to say anything. He turns on his heels and starts stomping away.

“Come on, you dumb shit,” he calls over his shoulder. His ears are flushed, RK900 notes.

8. Saturn: limitation 29 degrees Gemini (concrete, inarticulate, intuitive)

“As Democritus said, happiness resides not in possessions,” announces Gavin as he bursts into the bedroom, glasses on the bridge of his nose, squinting at several closely printed pages that he clutches in his hands. “There is an ethical imperative to question whether it is beneficial to hold onto that which can be held onto; if it is not, at times, more salubrious to our spiritual health to cast off that which we let fester by keeping close to ourselves. For indeed, as stagnant water breeds disease, so do we find that the objects--”

“Gavin,” interrupts RK900, “are you... are you trying to thank me for taking out the trash an extra time last week?”

“You have to let me finish,” says Gavin. “I’ve been working on this since then.”

“Hold on,” says RK900, “you spent a week writing a speech because you couldn’t say th--”

“--SO DO WE FIND THAT THE OBJECTS WHICH SURROUND US CEASE TO GIVE US JOY WHEN THEY HAVE OVERSTAYED THEIR WELCOME,” shouts Gavin.

9. Uranus: freedom 25 degrees Aquarius (scientific, original, technocratic)

“I’m a Gen Z chaos child and proud of it!” says Gavin. “We’re the generation that invented androids!”

“Some might say that you were adamantly refusing to be proud of this accomplishment until very recently,” remarks RK900. “Some might also say that it’s not your accomplishment in the least, that you had absolutely nothing to do with it, and point out that you have trouble operating a microwave on your best days.”

“They all have different ways you need to enter minutes and seconds,” says Gavin, hotly.

10. Neptune: transcendence 08 degrees Aquarius (humanitarian, secular, modern)

“I’m a Gen Z chaos child and proud of it!” says Gavin. “We’re the generation that replaced religion with unparalleled medical advances and brought us one step closer to a post-scarcity society!”

“Wouldn’t know it from looking at you,” says RK900. “Generation that replaced religion with memes, more like.”

“Who taught you to talk like this?” demands Gavin.

11. Pluto: transformation 15 degrees Sagittarius (confident, principled, revolutionary)

“I’m a Gen Z chaos child and proud of it!” says Gavin. “We replaced religion with memes and the whole world is better for it!”

“You smoke actual cigarettes and use voice-to-text to take notes,” says RK900. “I’m starting to think you might not even be Gen Z at all. How old are you, Gavin Reed? Are you a Highlander? Can you only be killed through decapitation?”

“Don’t threaten me with a good time,” says Gavin.

BONUS. North Node: purpose 10 degrees Gemini (interaction, partnership, community)

“Go talk to him,” Tina hisses under the clamor of the bar, elbowing RK900 in the side.

“He has been uncommunicative and belligerent since my return,” says RK900, keeping his eyes fixed on the glass of Thirium in front of him. “Correction, he has been especially uncommunicative and belligerent since my return. I believe attempting to engage with him at this point would only cause him to lash out further.”

“But have you figured out why?” asks Hank. “You know what’s got his panties in a twist?”

“That is an unsolicited mental image,” says RK900, “but I believe it is related to my dereliction of duty while I was confined to Cyberlife for repairs. The damage was extensive and I was unable to assist with Detective Reed’s caseload for much longer than he has been accustomed to. The evidence leads me to conclude that he is still resentful of my prolonged absence.”

“Unbelievable,” says Tina. “Brain the size of a planet and that’s what you conclude.”

“Nines,” says Connor, kindly, “replay your memories from the night of the shooting. My hypothesis is that you may not have taken all the evidence into account.”

The memories from the night of the shooting. Why, when the way that Gavin’s been acting ought to be explanation enough? Why go back to the sound of the gunshot like a cracking whip, the split second of frenzied calculation, the bullet in motion -- straight as the crow flies -- Gavin’s eyes widening as RK900 shoved him away, the sharp brittle crack of his shell coming apart, and then the terrible, painful static filling his head-- and Gavin’s fingers, slicked with blue, shaking uncontrollably as he fumbled to hold the shards of his skull together-- Gavin shouting something at him that he couldn’t hear over the noise, then Gavin’s lips still moving noiselessly when his audio processors cut out, just a deafening silence as the countdown began, and barely visible beyond the angry blur of error messages and critical malfunctions that had filled his view -- only now in the solemn clarity past the moment, RK900 could see -- in the low light of the alleyway, on his knees in filth beside him, Gavin looked--

RK900 glances up from his glass, turns to the far side of the bar where Gavin has been all night. The giveaway flurry as Gavin whips his head away, pretending for all he's worth as though there’s something very interesting on the wall next to him. He knows RK900 is looking, and RK900 knows that he knows because he stubbornly refuses to look back.

“Go talk to him,” says Tina, again.

His ears are flushed, thinks RK900, and stands up.

#detroit become human #gavin reed #rk900 #reed900 #this isn't writing #sketch #WELL THAT'S QUITE ENOUGH FROM ME #eta what the shit #does tumblr mobile not do keep reading cuts?!#s...sorry anyone who is reading on mobile #but also read the whole thing i dare you #it's a dare you have to do it

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echristides-blog · 5 years

Text

Blogs

Methodology - 11/12/19

Dear Blog,

As a part time student at the beginning of a three-year journey of a qualifying degree and as placement won’t begin until January 2020 I thought I’d take the opportunity to embark on this adventure by looking into what spurs my curiosity and interest along the way, letting my intuition, reading and teaching guide my methodology and inform my self-growth:

My main approach was visual, searching for art exhibitions at galleries that really spoke to me and I felt very drawn to, this includes one film that was heavily based on the mental ill health of a fictional character. This method allowed me to experience, be influenced by the visuals as well as view the artist or subject through an art therapy lens - looking and thinking like a trainee art therapist. The most important part of this approach was supplementing my reflections with qualitative scientific input from art therapy literature and from peer-reviewed articles in related fields giving elements of validity and reliability whilst enhancing my learning as I explored different areas and possible meanings under the concept of art therapy.

Having come from a musical background and understanding the influence sonic environments have had on me, one blog is of experimental thinking - again approached scientifically, as I am interested in exploring the idea of using sound in an art therapy setting. My research has shown that this is still a developing area in the context of art therapy even though some professional writing has been contributed here. I feel this approach would have been more complete for me had I made some response art to an environmental soundscape.

Two blogs are purely experiential, based on the process of making my own piece of art and experiencing working with different art materials. I felt I had to document important realisations that shaped my understanding and learning of the art making experience for myself and also what it could be like for clients in therapy.

I also felt it was important to include some reflexivity in my methodology as this is key in developing practice and I hope this is reflected in a number of my blog posts. Because of this, I believe that a reflection on personal therapy could have been a good addition here.

Back to School! - 01/10/19

Dear Blog!

I have just come home from the ‘official’ first day at uni. Going back to academia makes me a little anxious… Will I quickly remember how to be a student again? How will I juggle work, study and life? I’m a little nervous about the journey the MA Art Therapy will take me on. Even though I have a cloud of thoughts above me, it was great seeing familiar faces from the Foundation course – we bonded and shared experiences so feeling that sense of safety was comforting… The Foundation taught me that Art Therapy is a creative route to better self-understanding but its unpredictable process is a little bit of a scary thought. I guess all these emotions will be coming into play at some point, this is an MA in Art Therapy after all.

Today was very exciting. In fact, as soon as our lecture on Research and Enquiry began I couldn’t wait to get started! This emotion continued throughout the taught lessons. I'm already thinking of areas in Art Therapy I want to explore; sound/music in art therapy, the intrinsic properties of art materials, gender in art therapy, art and psychoanalysis, art therapy and the criminal mind. So here I am, my mind travelling at 100 miles per hour after having a plethora of information thrown at us. Although I'm loving that we can navigate our way through the course, I do have to slow down as I know that my starting point is research, research, research!

I found it quite intriguing today that I started doodling during our Research & Enquiry class as I realised that I was doodling the same shapes I drew on the first day of the Foundation. Although the patterns were identical there were differences in size, in colour and they were positioned on different parts of the page in my notebooks. This was very interesting to me... (Interesting…a word I’m sure I’ll be using a lot…). I do wonder what the role of an intuitive image is? (Case & Daley, 2013: 124). While doodling has been associated with being disinterested in a primary task, recent research shows that the act of doodling releases mental stress, which in turn improves focus and helps memory and recall performance (Gupta, 2016: 17). Dr Robert Burns relies on doodling to reveal what is going on in the unconscious, claiming that the way that EEG leads transmit brain activity to a piece of paper, one’s hand also does (cited in Pillay, 2016). Even though I believe I could try to make sense of my doodling, I’m certain that art therapy theory, psychoanalytic theory and neuroscience could shed a lot more light here...

Word count: 434

(Doodling in first lesson Sep 2019)

(Doodling in first lesson September 2018)

References

Case, C. Dalley, T. (2013) ‘The Art Therapy Handbook’, London & New York: Routledge Taylor & Francis Group.

Gupta, S. (2016) ‘Doodling: The Artistry of the Roving Metaphysical Mind’, Journal of Mental Health and Human Behaviour, Vol 21 (1), pp.16-19. doi: 10.4103/0971-8990.182097. (peer reviewed)

Pillay, S. (2016) “The Thinking Benefits of Doodling”, Harvard Health Publishing, https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/the-thinking-benefits-of-doodling-2016121510844 – Accessed on 02/10/19 at 19:15.

If ‘Joker’ (fictional character, 2019) was in Art Therapy… - Reflections 07/10/19

Dear Blog,

Last night I went to the movies to see Joker, a psychological thriller focusing on the main character’s mental illness. This film emphasized that what we are at birth and what we become and why, are very different identities. Everybody has a story...

The film makes it known that Joker was never really in a nurturing environment, loved or cared for and that he had a very dark upbringing. It was a memoir of the criminal before he became destructive to the world around him. Joker is a fragmented individual and sees a therapist who didn’t succeed in developing a therapeutic relationship between them. The irony is that Joker seemed to be collaborative during their sessions by opening up about his emotions but she wasn’t very interested in understanding him or responsive to his needs.

It made me think about the significance of the art therapist, the art therapy process and its multitude layers of containment through the different therapeutic relationships within art therapy. In his therapy journal he wrote “The worst part about being human is mental illness”, which striked me in particular as he was aware of his disturbances but was really struggling to deal with them. I guess he was trying to fight his demons alone. Mental illness is like being in a prison you can’t free yourself from and no one can understand the suffering if they haven’t experienced it. His sense of powerlessness lead to him making use of a gun - he used it for physical, emotional and psychological protection. It became his shield, forbidding anyone to upset him. It really saddened me that the therapist failed to create that “holding environment” and that she in fact discouraged emotional nourishment (Murphy cited in Liebmann, 1994: 16). What if he missed his last chance for positive change because the professional was incompetent?

Perhaps the art therapy setting and process would have been more suited to Joker as he is a very visual individual, constantly daydreaming and painting a clown’s face on his. His imagination made him creative but he was only able to be this expressive alone. It felt like he was self-soothing himself through his creativity but even his creativity was imprisoned in his own sense of self. Art therapy allows one to be free and creative through play in what Winnicott calls the “potential space - an environment which can tolerate the successes and failures of experimentation, but which is ultimately reliable” (cited in Liebmann, 1994: 16). We can’t release on humans the pain and aggression we can release in the art therapy room... His creativity could have been his way out.

Word count: 434

References

Murphy, J. (1994) ‘Mists in the Dark’, in Liebmann, M. ‘Art Therapy with Offenders’. London: Jessica Kingsley Publishers.

Joker (2019), [Motion Picture], Todd Phillips, USA: Warner Bros. Pictures – Viewed 07/10/19.

Sound in Art Therapy - Reflections 15/10/19

Dear Blog,

Yesterday in our Introduction to Art Therapy lecture we talked about how to approach our first art therapy session as trainees. How we could prompt a client if he or she is struggling to engage in art making was a question posed and this triggered a thought I have a lot of faith in... Although usually the visual sense for humans is perhaps the more dominant, we are nevertheless multi-sensory and senses can stimulate subjective experiences. Art Therapy is a creative way in to the psyche just as much as externalizing what is part of the psyche is – therefore, exploring creativity when utilizing art therapy is very important. “Sound can be an invasive phenomenon of everyday experience in that it assists our engagement with, immersion in and commentaries with the environment in which we live” (Taylor & Fernstrom, 2017: 4). I am very interested in non-musical sounds evoking memory and emotion as there seems to be a lot less written about it in comparison to great work on memory and music.

Sound has the capacity to mark time, place and narrative “making the past psychologically present or problematized, creating a dialogue between the present and the past” (Bao, 2013: 208) and we fathom sound in terms of phenomenology, memory, imagery, associations and even phantasy. As sound is tied to different experiences, the use of sonic prompts can elicit memories and involuntary memories. “Our ability to interpret the world around us crucially depends on how the brain organizes meaningful auditory information in memory” (Hendrickson, Walenski, Friend, Love, 2017: 2). This could strongly suggest that sound has potential to aid a client into and through the complex process of art therapy sessions. So, it can very much be considered to be a stimulant... Referring to good and safe practice, could it be risky for some clients to be played recorded sounds during an art therapy session? Perhaps it could be, but the acousmatic approach creates an illusion for the client, it allows the client to be connected and disconnected with the sound at the same time as the actual source of it would be unknown. Sound is also ephemeral and what could be triggered in the art therapy room when sound is played can be contained by the therapist, by being in the art therapy room and maybe even in the artwork itself. Furthermore, there seems to be a particular interest in the natural soundscape as a therapeutic resource and it being used as a calming agent (Franco, Shanahan, Fuller, 2017: 1). Of course, this is all very subjective but more research is without doubt needed here as I am a firm believer that nature can be a healer in many different ways...

The effect of sonic elicitation is multisensory as sound evokes visual, tactile and olfactory as well as auditory memories (Harris, 2015: 22) and this fits in to art therapy very well as art therapy is a whole body experience. It has been stated that multimodal sensory input can drive positive mental states such as tranquility, unlike monotony, which is a cause of stress (Franco, Shanahan, Fuller, 2017: 2). Allowing sound to play an active role in the triangular relationship (therapist-client-artwork), to prompt and be part of a therapeutic relationship seems to be a creative avenue to explore... And creativity is not just a non-threatening way to access and express memories and emotions but has the power to create a corrective experience in the brain (Perryman, Blisard & Moss, 2019: 80).

Word count: 563

References

Bao, Y. (2013) “Remembering the Invisible: Soundscape and Memory of 1989”, Journal of Chinese Cinemas, Vol 7 (3), pp. 207-224. doi: 10.1386/jcc.7.3.207_1. (peer reviewed)

Franco, Lara S. Shanahan, Danielle F. Fuller, Richard A. (2017) “A Review of the Benefits of Nature Experiences: More Than Meets the Eye”, International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, Vol 14 (8), pp. 1-29. doi: 10.3390/ijerph14080864. (peer reviewed)

Harris, A. (2015) “Eliciting Sound Memories”, The Public Historian, Vol 37 (4), pp.14-31. doi: 10.1525/tph.2015.37.4.14. (peer reviewed)

Hendrickson, K. Walenski, M. Friend, M. Love, T. (2015) “The Organization of Words and Environmental Sounds in Memory”, Neuropsychologia, Vol 69, pp. 67-76. doi:10.1016/j.neuropsychologia.2015.01.035. (peer reviewed)

Perryman, K. Blisard, P. Moss, R. (2019) “Using Creative Arts in Trauma Therapy: The Neuroscience of Healing”, Journal of Mental Health Counselling, Vol 41 (1), pp. 80-94. doi: 10.17744/mehc.41.1.07. (peer reviewed)

Taylor, S. Fernstrom, M. (2017) “Acouscenic Listening and Creative Soundwalks: Evoking memory and Narratives Through Soundscape Exploration”, Leonardo Music Journal, Vol 27 (27), pp.3-6. doi: 10.1162/LMJ_a_00999. (peer reviewed)

‘Protreptic’ (2018) - Reflections 26/10/19

Dear Blog,

I recently came across artist Despina Zaxaropoulou and her eight hour a day, three-week long performance Protreptic in Bangkok and became fascinated with the power in endurance art... I decided to watch a clip of the performance and view images taken from it without reading its short descriptive summary to have a more authentic response to it... Dressed in an almost completely transparent dressing gown, Zaxaropoulou lies silently and moves around on a wooden transporting container inviting audiences to interact with her... Her purpose was instantly and unmistakably made clear to me, it was that effective and meaningful... It pushes the artist’s physical and mental strength to the maximum, makes the power relations between artist and audience prominent and tests boundaries. She embodied herself and her inner reality into her artwork, becoming the image under the gaze and available to be physically handled by many different individuals. It was very interesting to see different reactions to Zaxaropoulou’s loss of autonomy and even though her body language seemed sorrowful... she was still objectified and touched in a sexual way by some. From a trainee art therapist point of view my immediate response was to want to create a safe space for her and hold that space for her... my mind couldn’t stop thinking about the significance of complete respect for the client’s intrapersonal meanings...

From an artist’s point of view I really admire her bravery in her performance. It made me question my own art practice and how stepping out of my comfort zone is something perhaps I should attempt more often as my artwork consists of only my own personal experiences, emotions, memories and fantasies. Although I felt very uncomfortable and bothered by the performance – Zaxaropoulou being exposed, vulnerable and receptive to many different interpersonal experiences, reminded me that “creative work has been associated with ‘a-ha’ moments of self-realization... that stimulate personal growth” (Hinz, 2017: 143). Being experiential is often about taking risks and experimenting with different environments, materials and exploring the psychodynamics. Sitting with uncomfortable feelings and being reflective as well as being reflexive is necessary for my own creative practice and development as an artist and as a trainee art therapist. These different thought processes have shifted my perception of me as an artist and have made me eager to transcend my boundaries and embrace challenge and uncertainty. They have spurred further curiosity for learning and I feel I need to honour those interests.

Word Count: 407

Reference

Hinz, L. D (2017) “The Ethics of Art Therapy: Promoting Creativity as a Force for Positive Change”, Journal of the American Art Therapy Association, Volume 34 (3), pp. 142-145. doi:10.1080/07421656.2017.1343073. (peer reviewed)

First Art Making Session in MA! - 29/10/2019

Dear Blog!

Today we finally made some art work at uni! And it was really, really, REALLY liberating. Since we started I haven’t had the chance to sit down and take my time to make art and today’s session just proved to me how long overdue it was to do so, especially being on this course...

We were told to bring wool and newspaper to today’s class last week, but we were only told today that we would each be making a person and I really enjoyed having that direction. I enjoyed working in silence in a quiet room, getting lost in the moment without any distractions as I was able to tune in with myself. Usually, I instantly get a visual response to an exercise but this time I hadn’t, so I knew I would go by my method of “what feels right” to make art. This is how I selected my materials and then let the process take its course. From the selection in front of me I ended up using only the earthy materials such as string, crinkled shredded paper, tissue paper, curly moss and stuck to earthy colours. It was interesting to me that I didn’t end up using every material I chose in the beginning, even though I tried to incorporate them, certain materials and colours didn’t feel suited.

I realised I was spending a lot of time on the legs and was feeling irritated trying to get them looking and feeling the way I wanted them to. When I became conscious of this, I started asking myself why the legs were so important to me...

I then worked on the arms, needing them to take a slightly firmer form but I still needed them flexible so I used curly moss. I wrapped the body in white tissue paper to give it a lighter, transparent feel visually. Finally, the head I felt needed “consolidating” so I sewed all around the newspaper with navy and beige string – as if I was bringing my thoughts together, sewing and securing them all in one place. Interestingly enough, I didn’t want to hide the newspaper effect and was picky only using parts of it that had no images but I only thought about how fussy I was after I had finished making my piece. At the time I only wondered why I chose those two shades of colour of string...

I instantly felt at ease with my creation and connected to the entire product. As I had some time left to reflect on it I thought about my emotional journey when making it; the time it took to get the legs looking springy and unrestricted – flexible and ready to run, made me think about how much I love freedom and spontaneity, it made me question if I am struggling with that part at the moment. The body felt as light as a feather, the arms were spread out and bendable... perhaps because I feel like I am on a new adventure. It wasn’t long before I realised that the head seemed to be the only solid and heavy part of the body... maybe because I have much to think about and organise at the moment... I felt I identified with my piece and my object became real to me, it had its own existence in the space and its positioning became an important decision. Today’s session seemed to have mirrored my invisible reality, it was enlightening and educational and even though not in a therapy session, felt the concept of the triangular relationship come alive.

Word count: 596

‘Same Bed, Different Dreams’ (2018) by Song Dong and Psychoanalytic Thinking - Reflections 02/11/19

Dear Blog!

I came across the works of Chinese artist’s Song Dong today in London’s Pace Gallery and was captivated by his art work Same Bed, Different Dreams (2018), which represents the expansion of Asian cities and their modernization that has not only changed the face of the cities but the citizens lives with it. His concept and artwork resonated with me on a metaphoric and symbolic level, and its title seemed to meet my intuitive feeling towards it quite well: that his artwork was dream related... It made me question if the title was a conscious or unconscious attempt to be ambiguous.

In Freud’s Interpretation of Dreams (cited in Strachey, 2010: 338-339) the unconscious surfaces when the censor is frail, which occurs during sleep and the repressed comes out in a dream-form... a dream is a thing that is pictorial and is capable of being represented. This to me was Dong’s unconscious sitting within the physical space – or should I say his psychical space – in concrete form.

A very large beautifully crafted, multi-coloured and polished dream-like case made out of many different windows in the centre of a pale room makes itself known. In it were household objects including crockery, pendant lights and decorative knick-knacks... objects that carry history, memory, emotion. Dong having constructed it by using rubbles from old Beijing confirmed to me that its every detail was meaningful and left me feeling that past and present were undefined here. According to Reiser (cited in Fonagy et al., 2012: 78), the manifest dream draws out past and current life issues and conflicts, in hope to resolve them. Perhaps these raw materials and objects inside are more raw than they seem… Dreams disguise impulses and substitute them with symbols – an operation accomplished by primary processes of the unconscious where the repressed return in confusing ways through visual imagery (Rocha, 2012: 20). Both, dreams and artwork have their own dimensional measurements and in Dong’s artwork, the dream could be preserved in the large dream-like case. The pendant lights dangling in it are lit up, which could suggest psychic activity. Lacan wrote that “dream is a phenomenon of psychic activity” because the unconscious is always at work and never sleeps... so perhaps this is what is being presented by Dong unconsciously (cited in Rocha, 2012: 17). Although the dream-like case is completely closed, one can still see through it, some windows are more transparent than others giving an indication that the hidden parts of the psyche are reachable through dreams. I have always been fascinated with how personal, mysterious, enchanting and unfathomable dreams are. I hope to inform my practice with psychoanalytic literature but I know that it could take me a lifetime trying to understand some of it. Even though exploring psychoanalysis feels like stepping into a whole other world, I believe it is a study that sheds light on the bigger, deeper and most complex parts of the psyche. Dong’s political artwork displays the relationship between his life and his art... And I can’t help but wonder if he was to bring this to an analytic setting, what would come up?

Word count: 510

References

Fonagy, P. Kachele, H. Leuzinger-Bohleber, M & Taylor, D. (2012) ‘The Significance of Dreams: Bridging Clinical and Extraclinical Research in Psychoanalysis’, London: Routledge.

Freud, S. & Strachey, J. (2010) ‘The Interpretation of Dreams: The Complete and Definitive Text’, New York: Basic Books.

Rocha, G. M. (2012) “The Unconscious: Ideal Worker?” International Forum of Psychoanalysis, Vol. 21 (1), pp. 17-21, doi: 10.1080/0803706X.2011.624546. (peer reviewed)

‘The Anthony Gormley Experience’ - Reflections 07/11/19

Dear Blog,

Today I finally managed to go and see Anthony Gormley’s exhibition and what an interesting one it was. I had booked my ticket last night for this morning as I wanted to go in with a fresh and clear mind to simply experience it. The focus was the body: we all have a body but the world within it, is unique every time. As I was walking around each room my responses to his different artworks were authentic and instant to what was happening in that present moment: What I was feeling, what I was thinking, what I remembered, what I imagined, what it made me question, what it made me want to do… it all came to consciousness. Seven rooms really spoke to me:

Clearing VII (2019) Approximately 8 kilometres of aluminium tube coiled against the space, restricted by the walls, ceilings and floor to bounce and expand. I felt I was in a child’s scribble and wanted to play in it – it activated a physical impulse and I felt I was part of the artwork.

Subject II (2019) A single life-size male body form made of steel bars became my complete focus and it was his posture that really captured me – he seemed sorrowful and I felt the impact of that emotion. Perhaps the heaviness of the material that he was made out of played a part in the intensity of that emotion making it more prominent that he was alone and seeming lonely in the space...

Matrix III (2019) An enormous cloud made out of steel mesh, its density increasing as you walk towards its centre and looking up at it whilst walking beneath it triggered a memory. I remembered swimming in deep water unable to see the world above it and swimming towards the surface – remembering the feelings of fear and relief that came with that experience, essentially reliving it.

Lost Horizon I (2018) Many identical male figures made out of cast iron, positioned in many different ways across the ceiling, walls and floor. Walking amongst these figures, I noticed that the male figure was Gormley. It made me think about him and his life experiences, every figure felt like it had a different story to tell about him. I became very aware of these presences in the room, I realized I couldn’t pinpoint exactly what I was feeling with each one but their presence was intense – making me think even more.

Cave (2019) A steel sculpture on an architectural scale imitates a hollow human form. Going through this hollow body I felt my visual, auditory and tactile senses heighten as it got completely dark; using my eyes to spot anything possible, my ears to hear what I could and touch to navigate myself though the darkness. At the same time I felt like I was walking into the unknown as sensations were very present but not obvious. This artwork stimulated and activated my body and mind together, and led to a combination of observations on the self, experiencing my own body as an entity – externally as well as internally.

Drawings II Exiting the Cave led to a room with more basic and natural material artworks. Gormley used his own blood to make drawings representing the interior of the human body, which I found very uncomfortable to look at making me want to turn away. I was quite surprised to have felt quite nauseous at the sight of that and it made me realise just how disturbing I found it. There was something about his blood, its varying texture in the artwork and being displayed for many years now that didn’t sit well with me at all and made me question why. Why was I affected this much?

Host (2019) Gormleys final room was kept separate by a single solid piece of stone, a room consisting of earth, water and air where water covered the whole ground. This room is the only room left uninterrupted by visitors. Still, it offered me an incredibly soothing experience by gazing at it and smelling the humidity that was produced – I was so drawn and nourished by it, I wanted to sit there. I realised this was the only room I felt so relaxed by as it made me imagine that I was looking out of a window to natural landscape, envisioning forests and being by the beach. It was the perfect note to end on as I felt safe near it... bringing to the surface my strong connection and love for natural surroundings… It also made me think about the counter-transference in therapy, the feelings a therapist feels in response to the client or the clients artwork as Gormley’s exhibition certainly did that...

This exhibition was all experiential reminding me of Hakomi Psychotherapy: based on mindfulness, Hakomi is body orientated psychotherapy accentuating somatic awareness (Rothaus, 2013: 208). The body is a powerful resource as it stores influential information and can guide us to deeper places in the psyche. It seemed as if Gormley took the role of the therapist using his artworks as experiments to evoke experiences for the visitors… gently accessing unconscious material and bringing it to conscious awareness so that it can be processed. Having gone first thing in the morning allowed me to be relaxed, and being calm helped me to be more open and receptive to new experiences when engaging with the artworks. This is a vital part of mindful self-study as it allows you to focus on body-mind connection in the here and now and “the quality of mindfulness heightens mental imagery”, which in turn could increase degree of healing (Morgan cited in Rothaus, 2013: 212). In an Art Therapy setting I could have externalized my body-mind experience, have the process and my artwork contained before safely reflecting on it… A really rich combination of approaches to consider…

Word count: 977

Reference

Rothaus, M. E. (2013) ‘Hakomi and Art Therapy’ in Rappaport, L. ‘Mindfulness and the Arts Therapies: Theory and Practice’, London & Philadelphia: Jessica Kingsley Publishers.

‘Other Spaces: Vanishing Point & Our Time’, Psychosis & Realizations - Reflections 10/11/19

Dear Blog,

I have always had a very strong interest in Psychosis and having studied music even composed an electronic piece based on my understanding of an episode of Psychosis. My purpose of composing music like this was to try to interpret psychological disorders guided by my readings so that I can raise awareness on how difficult it is to be on the other side and to help me understand sufferers state on a deeper level. By doing this I felt I would be able to relate and connect better with these individuals. Vanishing Point and Our Time are exhibitions I visited that played with one’s visual perception. Both in dark rooms Vanishing Point used laser lights and projected beams of light to a vanishing point, and Our Time used smoke and a kinetic light installation that swung back and forth – both playing with reality and illusion.

Psychosis is the severe distortion or even erosion of the normal functions of perception, thinking and feeling and of the capacity to communicate (Sass cited in Killick & Schaverien, 1997:134). For me the visual nature of this exhibition resembled a hallucinatory experience placing me in the mind of a psychotic client. From a trainee art therapist point of view, this exhibition made me panic slightly at the thought of some tricky but vital questions… How could I contain a severely psychotic client? How would I approach this? Where would I begin? I took a moment to consolidate my thoughts and reverted to our core learnings so far… I have to create a safe and facilitating environment for the client, which means being resilient and being able to tolerate different behaviours, by providing safe art materials and a place where artwork could be stored, by having a regularity of sessions in that same space. With all clients and especially clients suffering with severe mental health problems, getting them to experience a level of relatedness to the art therapist through repetition is essential. According to Killick “containment can be mediated through the experience of continuity” (Killick & Schaverien, 1997: 50). And what if there is no artwork?! I remembered my tutors words: “It’s still art therapy!”.

I am also a very firm believer in body language as it is penetrative and a universal form of communication. Searle focused on the therapist’s facial expressions being fundamental for the symbiotic relationship between the psychotic client and the therapist stating that through the therapist the psychotic client can recognise their aliveness (cited in Killick & Schaverien, 1997: 219-220).

I am beginning to understand the complexities that come into play with the different clients and the importance of not being reactive to alarming thoughts but responsive – remaining patient and having faith in the process. This exhibition and the readings that followed highlighted that as a trainee art therapist I have to learn the language of each of my clients and adapt my way of working to their needs in order to get them to connect with me and engage in art making. Although I am trying to prepare myself for my upcoming placement as much as possible, I understand that I can’t know fully what to expect… The responsibility for improving the mental well-being of another and thoughts on what my counter-transference will be in the process, are thoughts that make me a little... or a bit more than a little nervous…

Word count: 552

Reference

Killick, K. & Schaverien, J. (1997) ‘Art, Psychotherapy and Psychosis’, New York: Routledge.

Charlotte Salomon’s ‘Life? Or Theatre?’, Looking at Her Paintings - Reflections 16/11/19

Dear Blog,

What an exhibition... I am so captivated by how deep and penetrating it was...

“The war raged on and I sat by the sea and saw deep into the heart of humankind”, she said and she really did (Salomon cited in Felstiner, 2009).

Salomon, a German Jew in Berlin lost her mother at the delicate age of 9 and grew up living in fear witnessing the heartache and devastation the Nazis spread when they came into power in 1933. Her father eventually remarried opera singer Paula Salomon-Linberg and Salomon fell madly in love with someone her step-mother worked with, Alfred Wolfson, only to be sent to stay in southern France with her maternal grandparents due to dangerous circumstances. After witnessing her grandmother hang herself, her grandfather brutally let her in on what was being kept from her all these years – that their seven family losses where suicides, including her mother’s.

“I will create a story so as not to lose my mind” (Salomon cited in Felstiner, 2009).

Salomon created a series of autobiographical paintings attaching tracing paper, writing words and melodies, adding a narrator and introducing characters giving them a theatrical effect... I thought about why she chose to paint the way she did...

Her paintings presented her internal and external reality in a very defined and cohesive manner. She used paint, a medium that could be messy and which can be daunting when there are issues regarding control (Robbins, 1987: 109). Everything happening in her life was beyond her control but her choice to use paint, for me, was a sign of wanting that power over how her life story was illustrated – a valuable challenge of tolerating all the toxic feelings depicting her struggle through life. This left me with an incredible impression of her inner strength and her being well-balanced. Perhaps her faith in religion gave her that power... “Dear God, just let me not go mad” (Salomon cited in Felstiner, 2009).

Her paintings shift from bright to dark colours and her writing from witty to grim as her story proceeds. They start becoming colourless and dull as she began feeling fed up with feeling fed up and she contemplated committing suicide herself. Colour communicates the felt experience and makes a visual statement about a person’s current state of being (Robbins, 1987: 107-109). Their flatness could metaphorically represent her lifeless life. But Salomon’s paintings were all of notebook size and of a repetitive style of painting completely limiting her body movement, which according to Robbins are signs of offering herself containment and of protecting herself (1987: 113).

Salomon seems to have had experienced cumulative trauma having lost her mother, being away from her father and her lover, being in the midst of war, not being able to communicate with her loved ones... Emotionally and psychologically exhausted by it all she fought to live every day. Her efforts at art therapy saved her, she confronted her harsh reality and realised that death can’t be worse than what she was she was mirroring in her images, which made her want to live... “I will live for them all” (Salomon cited in Felstiner, 2009). Research has linked psychopathology with avoiding thoughts, emotions and memories but Salomon engaged with her process over and over again...769 times before being killed by the Nazis (Skeffington & Browne, 2014: 116).

“Keep this safe, it is my whole life” (Salomon cited in Felstiner, 2009). Salomon’s artworks are incredibly inspirational and influential as they document honorable aspects about her and make it evident that she was her own art therapist. In an audio-visual recording at the exhibition, it was said that Salomon was an introvert. Externalizing her mental images the way she did, may have been a conscious wish to be able to communicate them to someone other than herself (Schaverien, 1992: 83-84). This was her life but I think it was her desire for it to be unreal, for it to be theatre...

I walked out of the museum feeling so moved and emotional over Salomon’s life story... her pain, her fear, her struggle. I was astonished at her outlook on life, how she relied on her creativity to regenerate strength and ignite hope in a dark hole. I felt very grounded by the way she made me think about the way I see my own life and how she made me look at it from the outside, as if that too were theatre...

Word count: 715

References

Felstiner, M. L., (2009) “Charlotte Salomon: 1917-1943", Jewish Women’s Archive. https://jwa.org/encyclopedia/article/salomon-charlotte – Accessed 16/11/2019 at 17:15.

Robbins, A. (1987) ‘The Artist as Therapist’, New York: Human Sciences Press.

Schaverien, J. (1992) ‘The Revealing Image: Analytical Art Psychotherapy in Theory and Practice’, London & Philadelphia: Jessica Kingsley Publishers.

Skeffington, P. M. & Browne, M. (2014) “Art Therapy, Trauma and Substance Misuse: Using Imagery to Explore a Difficult Past with a Complex Client” International Journal of Art Therapy, Vol. 19 (3), pp. 114-121, doi: 10.1080/17454832.2014.910816. (peer reviewed)

‘Leonardo: Experience a Masterpiece’ (2019) - Reflections 17/11/2019

Dear Blog,

I visited the National Gallery today to see Leonardo: Experience a Masterpiece (2019). As well as being one the world's most famous painters, Da Vinci is known for having extensive knowledge in scientific subjects that fed into his artwork such as architecture, science, mathematics, engineering, anatomy, geology, astronomy, botany, palaeontology, cartography and the list goes on. This exhibition focused on Da Vinci's the Virgin of the Rocks (1508) by introducing unknown truths in four different rooms that allowed me to reacquaint myself with his famous painting ultimately making me see it in a new light.

Entering the Mind of Leonardo as he begins his journey of creating the Virgin of the Rocks, his thoughts are text written backwards and reflected on mirror surfaces so that they could be read easier. "He who is only good at painting figures seems to be a poor master" (cited at the exhibition). I wondered how he meant this.. I wondered how he meant "figures"… Could he have been insinuating that one can only master figures if his soul invests in it? Was he insinuating that a true artist should master how to depict elements of divinity in his figures? His connection to religion perhaps? An unclear yet powerful statement, where I felt he meant both... This mirror effect was done against a backdrop of the Italian Alps and it stated at the exhibition that many of Da Vinci’s geological sketches and observations were situated there so he must have felt something special about this location. According to Andric he was constantly striving for the heights, which could reflect his desire to elevate the spirit (2016: 7). This led me to think that he wanted viewers to experience the search for meaning in what is around us, to search for mystery that exists in the world and is to be sought and to acknowledge that we are part of this mystical and miraculous creation. According to Gal (cited in Vladislav, 2004: 53) searching is a method by which we implement and connect with faith, and is kin to art.

With this in mind I left that room to move on to the next looking for the bigger picture and tuning in with what was around me - a circular hall that connected all rooms in the shape of a cross. This reinforced the feeling that his own spirituality played a bigger part in this painting than I had thought...

The Studio. "The figure that does not sufficiently express with action the passions of its soul is not worthy of praise" (cited at the exhibition). Da Vinci refers to the "figure" again and its "soul". This seemed to imply spiritual art, which is dependent on the artist's capacity to understand spirituality and on the experience of the knowledge of God in order to achieve "art in spirit", otherwise known as iconography. (Vladislav, 2004: 58-60). Scientific investigation that was carried out on this painting using infrared reflectography and hyperspectral imaging revealed lost content beneath the Virgin of the Rocks we know today. So if we are to think of Da Vinci as an iconographer, this piece of work would not be one of self-expression or scientific precision but rather a method and practice towards transfiguration of his nature through his experience of the revelation of the holy by which he would be able touch upon the mystery of incarnation of the Divine (Vladislav, 2004: 56-59). His first attempt can't have been definitive enough in what he was trying to portray and it seemed Da Vinci was trying to transcend his painting methods and touch elements of divinity in his work, as if he was aiming for perfection.

How he achieved that was by mastering two techniques that were introduced in the third room - The Light & Shadow Experiment. "Your tongue will be paralyzed by thirst and your body by sleep and hunger before you can show with words what the painter shows in an instant" (cited at the exhibition). Da Vinci paid great attention to Chiaroscuro and Sfumato, skillfully shading and blending in colours. Translucent layers of paint are at once seen as ethereal and the light radiating is from within the figures outward, "enlivening the action of uncreated grace” – Da Vinci not only worked towards making an instant impression that he was depicting sanctity but also that he was able to do that, he had stated that "perfect faith is perfect knowledge" (cited in Andric, 2016: 9). It is through the artist's ascending journey looking for Truth that he begins to see that "good art" is done in a more human way and "spiritual art" is reflecting what he practices within (Vladislav, 2004: 62, 65).

The Imagined Chapel. The Virgin of the Rocks was to be an altarpiece for a chapel in the church of San Francesco in Milan but the church was demolished. Only artworks that have an adequate symbol of holiness used for uniting the invisible and the visible, where the artist contemplates the image of God within his own soul mirroring his glory, are able to have a permanent place in the church – works of art that are a shared activity of the Creator and the created (Vladislav, 2004: 62-63, 66).

I feel his in-depth knowledge into the order of the world made him search for the beyond, made him search for God. That this painting wasn’t about what Da Vinci is much known for – his scientific precisions in art and science, but much much greater than that.

Going to this exhibition reminded me of our lecture on Supervision. It made me realise that total objectivity when seeing a client's artwork is quite impossible as we all have our biases. It highlighted the importance of having a supervisor to see what I can't or to put me in different thought processes. Even though it takes some pressure off knowing that I am able to share clients artwork with another, it also made me feel that much more responsible to be open to seeing that there is more than just one way of viewing artwork and that it is important to try to look for those different ways and those details on my own before relying on supervision. Every different way of viewing artwork could lead to a real depth of one’s psyche just as the way I viewed Da Vinci’s Virgin of the Rocks. Moreover, my experience and reflection on this exhibition directed me into thinking about spirituality and religion in art therapy as it often is a big part of who we are and it can be a big part of our everyday life and lifestyle, which is an extremely interesting area to explore. It also made me think about art therapy in palliative care as end of life gives rise to the feeling of spirituality whether one has a faith or is agnostic or atheist. However, palliative care is an area I’m not ready to go into...

Word count: 1,134

References

Andric, N. (2016) “Religious - Philosophical Aspects of the Novel ‘The Romance of Leonardo Da Vinci’ by Dmitrij Merezkovskij”, Russian Literature, Vol. 86, pp.1-20, doi: 10.1016/j.ruslit.2016.11.001. (peer reviewed)

Vladislav, A. (2004) “Art and Religion: Creativity and the Meaning of Religion of ‘Image’ from the perspective of the Orthodox Icon”, Theology Today, Vol. 61 (1), pp.53-56. (peer reviewed)

Experiential Workshops: Material Realizations - 02/12/19

Dear Blog,

We have now started our experiential workshops after having been given the foundations on art therapy theory and art therapy practice. I am gradually feeling teaching beginning to merge together - what feels like - "the separate pieces" of the first year of the course and I can now understand the direction in which it is going. (Now that I mention separate pieces I'm remembering my doodling on the first day of uni, how that too was separate pieces floating around in a section of my notebook page, maybe there's an emerging meaning...).

(Doodling in first lesson Sep 2019)

These workshops are familiarizing us with different art materials... Our first workshop was working with dry materials: marker pens, pencils, coal on sticks, chalk and pastels. The second workshop was working with wet materials: paint, water colour and ink, where different sized, shaped and type of paper were used in the first two workshops. The final workshop was with clay and plastecine. This was really great as it put me in a position to ask myself why I work with certain material and why I don't work with other, why I like some and why not other. It made me wonder to what extent is the use of certain material subjective and to what objective? Being restricted to a group of materials each time, allowed me to explore the intrinsic properties and to reacquaint myself with those I seldom choose when art making, but in this blog I will discuss material experiences that stood out for me.

I was instantly drawn to certain material: coal as I associate it with historical times and keeping warm in the cold, the mysterious effect chalk can have when it is smudged and its sharp dusty lines when it isn’t, ink reminds me of sentimental writers and poets of a previous era such as William Shakespeare, Edgar Alan Poe, William Blake and Ralph Waldo Emerson that I love to read, clay being 3D really brings emotions and thoughts to life in an organic way and requires a lot of physical handling that arouses the senses. I became aware that there were symbolic and metaphorical meanings behind the use of these materials that I identified with and this was confirmed to me during the art making and also in the way I used the material. As we were only allowed to use coal tied to a natural tree branch from a distance, I believe drawing a tree with it was from an unconscious driven force related to that. This generated further questions... What if coal wasn’t attached to a tree branch or natural object? What if it was attached to something else or not attached at all? How would this affect my art making instincts and decisions? Knowing how much I love nature, would I have felt disconnected to the art making process and art product if the medium in between wasn’t natural? Is this what it could feel like for a client with a disability?... Although I like using water colour with brush effects and layering different colours, I really struggled to use anything more than a single colour to do this as I found that the size and shape of the paper really influenced my working with this material. In a similar manner with regards to paint, although I tend to mix different colours to get blends as well as create thicker and looser blends, the workshop only had certain colours available that I couldn’t make use of in a satisfying way so having a limitation in colours became very frustrating... Why are certain blends so important to me?

(From left to right: paint, paint, ink, water colour)

(Coal)

Pencils and marker pens have never been a preferred medium for me even having rubbers provided in the workshop I found pencils were too definitive needing a lot of control to create something representative of me and marker pens rather aggressive and unforgiving, which in turn made me feel uncomfortable... But I questioned now if this is can be absolute as what is emerging in these workshops are the different material associations and the different experiences of their materiality in the structured workshops. It was intriguing to me that I actually ended up reacquainting myself with most of the materials through the different processes and my usual ways of creating art with certain material often changed. This stirred new emotions and I thought about how these processes made me feel... Ultimately, the material processes became unpredictable. At the beginning of this blog I wrote about the workshops familiarizing us with different art materials but I think it is wise to add, that they are familiarizing us with different art materials through different personal interactions. As an artist I am so use to having a variety of materials to choose from with no limitations where having directive workshops urged me to consider art making in another way as they tapped into something specific within me, perhaps contacting other areas of my psyche that I knew not about but thought I had, that are completely unconscious...

(From left to right: chalk, pencil, marker pen)

(Clay container)

Most importantly, these workshops have now started to make me think in more complex ways when considering clients and different settings... What are certain client groups in need of and how could I meet their needs? What could be helpful and what could be harming?...

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