#i just wish people in this fandom would TRY and understand complicated relationships with parents

[senseiwu]

"Whys lloyd nicer to harumi than his dad"

I think you just answered the question right there. His dad.

Meant to love and support and be there for him

But Lloyd's whole life has been marked by things his father has done. And then s8 onwards kicks it up a whole bunch of notches.

He doesn't have to accept any changes, after all his father has done.

He's also like a thousand/s of years old.

It's probably easier to think that someone around your age, who's only been doing bad things the past few years, who you know is hurt too, can change more. That might hurt less.

...there's also the whole thing of. Manipulation having lasting effects lmao

[aanglican]

I actually find the relationship between Aang and his children super interesting and complex, in ways the fandom rarely explore, it usually just falls into the "LOK is BAD because they made Aang a bad father" when that is not at all what was intended with that. Aang was a complicated person struggling with balance and what rubs me wrong is people dont read into his children either, they just focus on Aang. For example Kya, who now older and on her own, seems to crave a sense of spirituality and connection to the world, yet rejected it in when she was young as she herself admits, is she trying to connect to her father's beliefs now that he isnt around due to feelings of loss or loneliness, guilt, etc? does she feel separated from the others? or how Bumi chose a life of adventure and "heroics" due to feeling inadequate next to the legacy of his father and still year after his father's passing, doesnt really know if his father noticed this or even approved.. Aang clearly loves his children and they love him but there is so much here that lays in subtle readings. It feels very real, like this is how families actually behave, with so many unclear and complicated feelings.

i love your suggestions for each child’s behavior. kya with her waterbending could have shunned her air nomad half in response to (or to cope with?) her not being an airbender like tenzin & bumi could have used sokka or suki or any other prominent nonbender in his childhood as idols due to having neither ability of his parents and siblings. there’s a lot of expectations and insecurities in this family that couldn’t be solved even if aang was present 100% of the time.

as for aang alone, i never got the impression he was a bad father either— if he were then we would hear of it from katara but she never says anything bad about him. instead she’s understanding and knows exactly what it’s like to have one’s culture ripped from you: the air nomads were wiped out but so were southern waterbenders. that is their most tragic link together. kya and bumi clearly felt alienated from aang and tenzin as they were not airbenders, which may have also resulted in a conscious choice to step back from embracing their air nomad heritage. clearly aang had too much duties for one man— he is the avatar and the only airbending master both— so he could not devote equal amount of time and attention to all his children.

tenzin has gone on trips with his father alone but the fact that he conflates these memories with those he’s spent with his siblings means aang included kya and bumi in trips as well. it’s not like kya and bumi were dead to aang the second tenzin came out looking like an air nomad. i even think those fun memories tenzin has with aang were rewards after aang had dragged him to boring events and diplomatic trainings & whatnot. i can totally picture aang taking a tour of kyoshi island after introducing tenzin to the fire nation court or something. “before we get home to your mom, why don’t we let loose for a bit at XYZ?” et cetera.

i love aang’s relationship with his kids as well as toph’s. sometimes i wish we knew about zuko and izumi more, even. i love it when our child heroes aren’t always the most squeaky clean adults. it happens, the circumstances make the outcome realistic, and it makes their dynamics interesting. no one growing up with child soldiers-turned-world leaders for parents are going to have perfect outlooks on themselves nor their ancestors.

[flowers-that-sing]

a few so you can pick one without much pressure:

"100% space creature"

"ticket to hell"

"hi hungry i'm [redacted]"

"skip, skip, skip ahead"

"press alt delete"

"spinning record"

HIII ILY!!! thank u for sending these!!!

also sorry i made almost all of them angsty dksjkshs

100% Space Creature

Fandom: Revolutionary Girl Utena

Rating: General Audiences

Ships: Utena Tenjou/Anthy Himemiya

Light angst, angst and humor, identity crisis, hurt/comfort, fluff

Utena questions whether or not she is even human, whether she even counts as such. Maybe there is something intrinsically wrong with her, there is something off, something different. Maybe that something is because she comes from another planet entirely.

Ticket to Hell

Fandom: Kill la Kill

Rating: Mature

Ships: Mako Mankanshoku/Ryuko Matoi

Ryuko-centric, Satsuki-centric, Mako-centric, angst, hurt/comfort, past character death, implied/referenced past sexual assault, implied/referenced sexual abuse (non-graphic), past child abuse, post-canon, canon-compliant, graphic depictions of violence, canon-typical violence, a touch of religious trauma, self-harm, nightmares, suicidal thoughts, psychosis, flashbacks, alcoholism

After the Everything, Satsuki struggles to find purpose in her new life. She questions who she is, what she wants, what she doesn’t, and for possibly the first time, she begins to worry that she may not be a good person. It never used to matter, but now? Now it’s all she can think about. Meanwhile, Ryuko is having trouble sleeping. After waking up Mako with her nightmares three nights in a row, Ryuko has had enough. She picks up and leaves with nary a notice, with plans to return once her nightmares ease, but she begins to lose touch of what is nightmare and what is life. Mako puts her detective skills to the test. Quickly enough, both Ryuko and Satsuki have disappeared, and it’s up to Mako to find them. She’s terrified to lose more and wondering if maybe it was her fault they’re gone.

Hi Hungry, I’m [Redacted]

Fandom: Stranger Things

Rating: Mature

Ships: Mike Wheeler/Will Byers, Lucas Sinclair/Max Mayfield/El Hopper, Dustin Henderson/Suzie Bingham

Mike-centric, Lucas-centric, Max-centric, Suzie-centric, religious trauma, child abuse, hurt/comfort, post-canon, not canon compliant, everyone lives, the upside down is over, vecna is dead, Ted Wheeler is a bad parent, Karen Wheeler is a bad parent, Susan Mayfield was a bad parent, Suzie Bingham has bad parents, Lucas Sinclair has good parents, but he doesn’t know how to talk to them, miscommunications, disordered eating/eating disorders, implied sexual abuse, self-harm, gender dysphoria, genderfluid Mike Wheeler, nonbinary Max Mayfield, everyone in this is queer, established relationships (not elumax though), getting together (elumax), same universe as Behind the Wall of Sleep

Lucas is sick and tired of being shoved into boxes. And he’s sick and tired of people being assholes. Lucas wants help, but his thoughts are all so complicated, and he doesn’t know how to ask—besides, it’s not like most of his friends could understand half of it. He’s used to helping, and he can’t ask more of everyone when everyone’s already suffering enough. Mike is hungry. He’s hungry and empty and sick and it’s all blended together. Sometimes he’s not allowed food, sometimes he just can’t bring himself to eat, sometimes he forgets, sometimes he feels there’s just no point. He feels filthy and terrible and ill and he wishes he could purge himself of every impurity, but if he did, perhaps there would be nothing left at all. Max struggles to take care of herself in the aftermath of everything, she’s petrified of losing vision in her one remaining eye, even though by now she’s had the corneal transplant. She’s trying to maintain a stony front but she’s finally letting people in. There’s a lot more to Max’s past that she still needs to process, and she has a lot more in common with Mike and Suzie than she thought she did. Suzie is doing her best to stay cheerful, to behave, to be good, to practically raise her little siblings by herself now that Eden’s finally made her escape. Suzie couldn’t leave her siblings behind. But now, knowing about the alternate dimension buried below Dustin’s town, her faith has begun to waver, and her wavering faith sends her spiraling into self-loathing and increasingly perilous attempts to reconnect with God.

Skip, Skip, Skip Ahead

Fandom: Stranger Things

Rating: Teen

Ships: Jonathan Byers/Argyle, Argyle/Eden, Jonathan Byers/Eden (queerplatonic)

Jonathan-centric, Argyle-centric, Eden-centric, mostly humor, fluff, smoking (that’s why it’s rated teen), drinking (safely), party games, bad flirting, Argyle gets bitches, they get to break shit, light angst, light hurt/comfort, crack taken seriously (but it’s not ALL crack), same universe as Behind the Wall of Sleep but they get to be happy in this

Jonathan loves Argyle. He’s in bed with him right now, even. Unfortunately, also in the bed with them, right between Jonathan and Argyle, is that random goth chick, Eden. Which, at first, is pretty frustrating. But it turns out Eden has great taste in music, and they find themselves skipping ahead to the good parts of both albums and their own budding relationship. They all have their issues, but they’re working through them together, and with the aid of a little weed. Maybe more than a little. Well, whatever. Argyle takes up movie reviewing, and he’s always been a stellar storyteller. Eden takes up playwriting. Jonathan is already a photographer. While high together, they decide to make their own film (with only the best music, of course). It’s definitely gonna rake in tons at the box office.

Press Alt Delete

Fandom: Yuri!!! on Ice

Rating: Teen

Ships: Yuri Katsuki/Victor Nikiforov

AU - hackers + spies, established relationship, inaccurate depictions of hacking and coding bc idk anything about that, fluff, bad flirting, bad pickup lines, general tomfoolery, the inherent homoeroticism of being put on a government watchlist together

I’m gonna be honest I have no idea where I’d go with this one but I feel like they’d either be doing some sort of weird online crime solving or hacking foreign governments no in between

Spinning Record

Fandom: Banana Fish

Rating: General audiences

Ships: Ash Lynx/Eiji Okumura

mostly fluff, lmao i love how one of the NON ANGSTY ones is banana fish of all things, music infodumping basically, sharing interests, band AU, Shorter Wong lives, performing music, karaoke, nonbinary Ash Lynx, trans Eiji Okumura, asexual Eiji Okumura, trans Sing Soo-Ling, genderfluid Yut-Lung Lee, genderqueer Shorter Wong, teasing Ash for being the token white guy lol, found family

Ash, Eiji, and Shorter are all incredibly passionate about music, and decide to start a band together, with Ash playing guitar, Eiji on bass and vocals, and Shorter on the accordion and vocals. They also meet harpist Yut-Lung and drummer Sing, both of whom are absolutely judging Shorter at first for his instrument of choice, but once they see what he can do with it are all in. They’re an odd group, but they have fun! Sing finds an older trans guy role model in Eiji as well. Yut-Lung and Sing both have fairly… troubled childhoods, and since Ash, Eiji, and Shorter all did as well, they become somewhat of older sibling figures. They not only make music but a true family as well.

[thiswaycomessomethingwicked]

character ask game, if he was not yet asked: Boromir! :D if he was, Eowyn? Or a character you really, really wanna talk about 😀

No one has asked me Boromir yet! So I shall do him :D

one aspect about them i love: god what don't I love about Boromir? I love everything about him. But I think it's his lack of perfection - a prevailing theme in the characters I'm drawn to. He is proud, perhaps a little vainglorious, a bit arrogant, certain of his place in the world, strong minded and stiff necked, has his prejudices, has preconceived notions about people that aren't great, wants attention and praise - perhaps to a fault (this we're told, we never really see it. One of Tolkien's faults as a writer is doing a lot of telling but like...not really showing or what is shown is out of sync with what was told and I don't think it's on purpose).

But for all of that he is honourable (to a fault), grounded, sensible, a good leader who knows when to step aside and let others lead, loves his people and would do anything for them, truly just wants to do good, is afraid of the end of the world that he can't see a way out of but by the gods he is going to keep fighting because someone has to, takes people as he finds them and is able to change those prejudices he has (see: Lothlorien - in the books).

He's so utterly, perfectly human in a way that I really like and do find, on a personal level, relatable. Especially the complicated family stuff - being the sibling who doesn't receive the shit shoveling the other one does. Who hates that it's happening but who still loves their parent. That's a bag of worms that has my name all over it.

one aspect i wish more people understood about them: I think most people understand the multi-faceted nature of Boromir. That's pretty well discussed and explored, from what I've seen. I think most get that he's not evil, he's not a bad person, he's just someone who is trying their best in phenomenally difficult times. I think that's something we can all relate to - especially in the last two years. I suppose, it's more about family dynamics, but I do wish people would complicate his relationship with Faramir more. Like, I think Boromir is more the one who is like "this is my brother, he can do no wrong" and Faramir has the tempered, more brittle/complicated view of Boromir (see the entire conversation with Frodo in TTT's book). And that nuance doesn't detract from either of them, as characters, in fact it makes them far more human and relatable than a perfect relationship. Like I don't doubt Faramir loves his brother, I just don't think it's straight forward and easy how fandom often portrays it.

(ditto, actually, for Eowyn and Eomer. I don't think they're super close. Nothing in the books indicates that they actually talk to each other in a meaningful capacity/know each other well. In fact, what is shown is the opposite. So yeah, I see no reason to assume that they're each other's best friend, and would argue that that read on them is purely fandom made-up with no basis in books [or the films, for that matter].)

one (or more) headcanon(s) i have about this character: Boromir loves stupid, dirty soldier songs. He collects them how Aragorn collects overwrought elvish lays. The more the song is about how fucking annoying the general is, and how much the soldier just wants to go home and screw the pretty lass down the lane who has big tits, the more Boromir finds it utterly delightful.

I also headcanon that Boromir doesn't really laugh (I know I have him laughing in my fic, but I've changed my view on it the longer I spend with him). He smiles, he finds things funny, has a sense of humour - it's all very tapped down as he's a Grim Man From Gondor(tm) - but it's still there. Yet for all that, he doesn't laugh. Not even Merry and Pippin have gotten him to laugh. They've gotten him as close to it as anyone has ever managed, but still not cracked him yet. (They're determined to. It's their Mission Impossible and they've accepted it.)

as well as

one character i love seeing them interact with: Merry and Pippin! They bring out the boy-ishness in Boromir that's been shoved down into a pit because of Duty and Honour and It's End Times etc. but it's still there and they've a skill at bringing it out. Also, Boromir clearly adopts everyone and their grandmother as younger siblings, and Merry and Pippin fall into that and I think it's charming.

one character i wish they would interact with/interact with more: Aragorn! We get bits and pieces in the book (and film) but I wish we had more. And I wish we had more light hearted scenes with them. Anytime they talk it's like Grave Serious The World is Ending shit. And sure, they'd absolutely talk about that, but also I'm sure they'd shoot the shit about things. Aragorn's been to Gondor, he knows the dive bars. Boromir also knows the dive bars. And the floors and loos of the dive bars. (His late teens and first year or two of his 20s were an Adventure filled with Decisions He Made Oh Boy.)

I also wish we saw Boromir and Frodo interact more. If only to really build up the emotional impact of the Amon Hen scene. It's an emotional scene as it is, to be sure, but the pay off would have been that much higher if Boromir had been a sort of second-Aragorn to Frodo. Like OOOF. And for Boromir, who honours and values friendship, it would have been horrific to be in his head. And, it would have made Frodo’s line later of “I was his friend, for my part” that much more heart breaking. In the books, too, where Frodo is going into all the good Boromir did for the Fellowship, and the strengths he brought etc. like, if Boromir had been a sort of second-Aragorn-mentor/friend figure that would have been even more PAINFUL.

In addition, Frodo and Boromir being closer would have made Frodo’s desire to save Gollum from himself/the ring more layered beyond just goodness of Frodo’s heart and the pity he felt for poor Gollum. Because Frodo would be like “I’ve already lost one person, who I esteemed and loved as a friend, to the ring. I’m not losing another person - even if it’s Gollum - to this damn thing.”  

one (or more) headcanon(s) i have that involve them and one other character: I've already gone on about my views on his relationship with Faramir. I HEADCANON THAT HE LIVES. DON'T KNOW WHAT MOVIE OR BOOK YOU'RE ENGAGING WITH, BUT THE ONES I AM HAVE HIM LIVING. THANK YOU.

Fucking Ian Malcolm style rolls into Rohan "reports of my death were vastly exaggerated." Aragorn is like "I HELD YOU WHILE YOU DIED" and Boromir is like "I know and I have feelings about that too." Gimli's like "I am SO GLAD you're back but also you and Aragorn NEED to get a room."

Actually though, my main headcanon - that the movie supports - is that Boromir and Gimli are bros. I rewatched it recently and paid special attention to Boromir and Gimli and it's never spoken, but there are a lot of interactions between them in the background that indicate them being close. So yeah, I headcanon that Gimli is like "this is my human brother, Boromir. We can give him a Khuzdul name." and Legolas is all "I am YOUR BOYFRIEND and I don't have one yet!!" Boromir is supremely chuffed about this.

I am very sorry for the very long lecture you got. I just have a lot of Boromir feelings and haven't talked about them nearly as much as I have talked about my Grima feelings. SO there's a lot there. More could have been added but I decided to restrain myself.

<3 <3 thank you!! <3 <3

[hamliet]

What Does It Mean to Save?

I keep seeing it said that Deku, Ochaco, and Shouto will “save” Shigaraki, Himiko, and Dabi, but that there will be no redemption and/or no survival for them. I’m truly not trying to vague these posts and everyone is entitled to their opinion, but literary criticism is fundamentally responsive so I’m writing this anyways.

I personally think that’s not BNHA’s definition of saving nor of redemption. So here, have a deep dive into literary tropes related to redemption, genre, and character arcs as they pertain to BNHA and the question of: what does it mean to save Shigaraki, Touya, and Himiko?

Before we begin, let me say that while we might be personally uncomfortable with redemption (there’s a redemption arc in BNHA I am personally quite uncomfortable with), that doesn’t inherently mean the narrative won’t go there. The key principle I’m operating on here is BNHA’s message that heroes save people. It’s held up as the highest ideal. 

So let’s talk redemption in BNHA-verse. With this guy, whose redemption arc I dislike in principle but accept as part of the story so don’t come for me stans and/or antis. I’m analyzing because it shows us what redemption means in BNHA-verse, whether or not that is satisfying to you personally as it fits/does not fit with your own morality/philosophy.

If Endeavor can be redeemed and live, and he’s Bakugou’s negative foil, I highly doubt Shigaraki and Deku as well as Touya and Shouto and Ochaco and Himiko will be any different. Why? Because Enji is an adult character. The others--well, Himiko’s age we don’t know, but we do know that Shigaraki and Dabi are technically adults. But does the story consider them adults?

(It doesn’t.)

Child-coded characters are generally more likely to survive a redemption, which I’ll explain more later. First I have to define what I mean by child-coding, because I DO NOT mean this in the way it’s often (mis)used in fandom wank. Child-coding is a real thing, but it is not done to infantilize and it has nothing to do with shipping.

Child coding frames the character as a child for a few narrative purposes to convey a story’s theme or purpose. For example, if it’s a coming of age story coding a character as a child even if they legally are not emphasizes their journey to an understanding of self-actualization, or a true understanding of self with self-awareness and an understanding of self-value. An example of an adult coded as a child is The Kite Runner, wherein Amir is a legal adult for half the story, even married for fifteen years so we’re talking 30s-40s, but he does not truly become an adult until he returns to his homeland and takes responsibility for a childhood sin. In Attack on Titan, the main characters are now nineteen, but are still struggling to take responsibility as adults and have only started doing so now that their mentors/parental figures have started dying.

Along those lines, in any kind of story, you can code a character as a child of someone, regardless of biological relationship, to convey the type of relationship they have (usually a mentor one). For an example of this, see Bungo Stray Dogs’ Dazai and Akutagawa. Despite their two year age difference, Dazai recruited him to the mafia, abandoned him, and Akutagawa desperately seeks his approval. Usually in these stories a character will “overcome” their parental figure. This can be done through overcoming their need for the parental figure’s approval in stories where the parental figure is kindly (such as in Harry Potter, when in the final book Harry, Ron, and Hermione leave the Weasleys to find the Horcruxes despite Mrs. Weasley’s please) or through like, killing/stopping/leaving the parental figure when they are abusive (see fairy tales like Rapunzel and Cinderella). The parental link to self-actualization is because it is childlike (and a part of actual psychology that is reflected in literature) to see yourself as a part of your parent; self-actualized person would see yourself as a distinct person from your parent, but also acknowledge the ways in which they’ve shaped you.

So, how do you code a character as a child? BNHA isn’t subtle about it, because Horikoshi seldom is subtle about anything. The villain trio are all coded as children.

Shigaraki Tomura:

Who cannot achieve self-actualization so long as AFO has access to his body, as he’s literally trying to possess him. He’s trying, but it’s not gonna work because Shigaraki can’t keep AFO and become an adult at the same time. It’s a choice the narrative is setting up: your dream of destroying, or your freedom? (To get the latter, he’ll probably have to destroy AFO).

Todoroki Touya, who is repeatedly emphasized as a small child when compared to his siblings, and yes, I know he’s now tall. Specifically he’s spotlighted as the child of Endeavor:

And he’s the least self-actualized one in a lot of ways, contradicting himself constantly. I’m not Endeavor, DUH! But these are Endeavor’s flames! He’s gonna have to choose one or the other, because the tragic irony is that the more he takes out his rage on those around him, the more like Endeavor he becomes.

And Toga Himiko (who might well literally be a legal child), who is actually the most self-actualized one thus far, because she rejects Curious’s child insistence (Curious holds her in a Pieta pose, based on Michelangelo’s statue wherein Mary holds a deceased Christ):

She’s still got, like, a way to go though:

Because Himiko also wants to be like the people she loves to the point where she loses her own identity in them, which is er, not self-actualization. So she’ll have to choose whether or not she really wants to be like the people she loves or whether she wants to live her own way, which she herself tells us how that would end (death):

Deku said it himself: it’s good to focus on what someone is doing now. And look, I have issues with this statement and how it’s framed. I’ve talked about it at length and it was doomed to fail because Shouto himself told us long ago that it was annoying to hear a righteous speech by a stranger when you hadn’t gone through the same, plus Endeavor kinda failed by choosing being a hero over a dad here. But, the principle is that if the past doesn’t preclude Endeavor from seeking a better self, why would it preclude three characters coded as children, one of whom is literally somewhat the product of Endeavor’s sins? BNHA doesn’t think the past keeps someone from a better future. 

So what about Dabi’s counterpoint, which is indeed valid? Well, redemption doesn’t mean the past forgets, either. It’s complicated and nuanced, and we can debate how well Horikoshi strikes this nuance (it’s got its flaws), and admittedly I don’t know how this will go down in the future. But it is asking Endeavor: how do you redeem yourself to the people you’ve hurt? And we have Endeavor asking this question to Touya’s shrine. I mean, the foreshadowing is obvious. Endeavor has to redeem himself by trying to save Touya. However, it will still probably come down to Shouto to save Touya.

For our three villains, it’s a little harder to predict... well, sort of. For Shigaraki it’s extremely obvious: he has to help take down AFO. Dabi probably has to do something to help his family (siblings probably), but it’s vague. Toga needs help and not condemnation, but presumably she’ll help Ochaco with something.

So, is this redemption? I’d define it as redemption in the eyes of the narrative. To address what makes a redemption is another essay unto itself, but if we bring in the oft-compared Star Wars example: did Darth Vader get a redemption? Did Ben Solo? Everyone says yes to both. However, only Luke witnesses Vader’s redemption, and only Rey Ben Solo’s. So the rest of the galaxy? Doesn’t think so. When I say they’ll be redeemed, I’m defining it as their role in the eyes of the narrative, not whether or not society will accept them or even whether their victims will forgive them (of note, in canonical novels, Leia never forgave Darth Vader despite learning he was her father and obviously knowing Luke’s account of his redemption was true).

So, redemption in a narrative doesn’t mean all of society has to forgive and accept them. Dabi has still like, murdered 30 people--many of whom were thugs, but he himself acknowledges they didn’t deserve to die. Additionally, he himself also acknowledges that the families left behind--their feelings matter:

But why does that mean they have to die? Why even does it mean they have to languish in prison forever? (If there’s even a safe prison at the end of BNHA which I kinda have doubts about.) Heroes have also killed: see Hawks as Exhibit A. In fact, some people want revenge on the heroes precisely because they arrested or killed their loved ones (jail isn’t held up as a rehabilitative place in BNHA’s world. In most countries it isn’t in real life, either, but again that’s for another essay). So why don’t the League’s feelings on Twice’s death matter just as much as the feelings of unnamed and unseen (and thereby less important narratively) characters?

Additionally, regarding death... the villains routinely get called on their death wishes. Himiko’s determination to decide how/when she dies is called out because this is right  before Twice overcomes his trauma to save her, and the next arc they appear in is when Twice dies trying to save her again. Dabi’s suicide wish keeps him from getting close to others, and it keeps getting thwarted. Shigaraki’s obsession with destruction and death is clearly not a good thing, and his rejection of his family’s desire for them to join him in death this past arc is growth.

In other words: what Dabi said and what Snatch said about families and how they feel matter for the villains too. The villains are their own weird found family (Dabi as the deadbeat prodigal brother of both his families). Their deaths--Magne’s and Twice’s thus far, and I’m not ruling out further deaths in the future--affect the others. People’s feelings on losing loved ones matter. The villains are people, as Himiko said herself this arc:

Their feelings about each other matter:

How would Touya dying affect the Todorokis? At least they saved him spiritually, I guess, but that’s absolutely lame narratively, and if you have Enji eventually do a sacrifice to save Dabi (pretty likely, even if I personally think Enji will survive said sacrifice) then what’s the point of Dabi dying? How would Himiko dying affect society? As a martyr like Curious wanted her to be, even a redeemed one? A tragic warning story? What even is the point of Ochaco saving her if that’s the case? If Shigaraki dies, well, who would mourn besides Deku? How would Shigaraki dying affect the surviving members of the league? He just couldn’t be saved physically? 

It’s not impossible some of this happens, but it doesn’t seem like great writing, especially with panels like, oh, these that show us BNHA’s perspective on death:

Sacrificing something is a type of death that occurs in stories; this should happen in a redemption arc, which is why I’ve been saying Enji needs to sacrifice his hero reputation to help save Touya and even then it’ll still be Shouto imo who does the saving. But physical death?

If you want further analysis of the latter two panels and how they relate to the ending, see here.

We already have another villain who will definitely die redemptively (Kurogiri--an adult coded character--because he’s already, like, dead), and Spinner and Mr. Compress aren’t coded as kids so I hold them with anxiety towards the end. But again, this isn’t me being ageist or saying this is the way things ought to be in fiction or real life: it’s me looking at writing tropes and saying that child-coded characters tend to survive their redemptions. See: Zuko. Why? Because the death of children or child-coded characters is a tragedy. When a child-coded character dies redemptively it doesn’t feel like a happy ending and if framed as such, it’s often criticized for bad writing (see: Ben Solo). Curious even called this out in her fight with Himiko. I would hope Horikoshi doesn’t end the story being like yeah Curious was right that’s the best use of Himiko’s/Dabi’s/Shigaraki’s arcs:

Additionally, as for the believability of a character getting a new chance after so much destruction and murder... well, it’s kinda a thing in shonen and even in seinen? For better or for worse, it’s a thing. We have Vegeta in Dragon Ball Z and Kaneki Ken in Tokyo Ghoul (Kaneki, by the way, is absolutely an inspiration for Shigaraki). We can debate how well-written these redemptions are (I personally have been quite critical of Kaneki’s despite wanting it to happen narratively), but it can be done. BNHA’s Japan especially isn’t as harsh a world as Tokyo Ghoul’s Japan, so it would make even more sense for something like Kaneki’s ending.

The reality is that the cycle of revenge via hurting people and then leaving hurting families and loved ones has to stop somewhere. Someone has to be the bigger person and step up and be like “naw.” That’s heroic. That’s brave. That’s sacrificial itself. Justice itself doesn’t really exist in its purest form without mercy.

There’s another genre-reason I don’t see death or jail as likely (I could see, like, maybe a mental health ward like Rei’s? But it’s too soon to speculate).

If saving is considered a good thing for the story, if it’s truly the highest ideal, then saving someone should be rewarded by the narrative. The characters who save should have a positive result to show us this a good thing.

This is why it doesn’t work for the heroes’ end journey to be accepting that some people cannot be saved. The notion of just accepting that you cannot do something, you cannot save everyone, you cannot, cannot, cannot, is called out as a flaw of society. Determination, on the other hand, is rewarded.

We see it with Deku as well as with Mirio.

So, what if they save them and the redeemed characters then go on to sacrifice themselves in their redemption and die (come to the same end)? If saving changes absolutely nothing for the saved person, if it’s too late for the saved from themselves to change and/or do anything that matters besides die, then the narrative theme of saving as important is left unemphasized at best and undermined at worst. Simple intrinsic knowledge that the kids “did the right thing” doesn’t cut it for a story with so much focus on physical saving when the kids are already doing the right thing; moral struggles about whether to choose to be good aren’t really Deku, Ochaco, or Shouto’s arcs. It works for Aizawa’s arc with Kurogiri, but not for the kiddos. If BNHA was more of a philosophical/spiritual text, that would indeed make sense, but it is not. Genre-wise, BNHA is a fantastical superhero optimistic story, not a gritty real-world set drama.

[tolkien-feels]

You speak surprisingly little about him given his fandom popularity, so I'll have to ask about Maedhros for this one! (Love your blog by the way)

Thank you! You know what? You're right, I should talk more about him. Since Feanor is one of my blorboest blorbos his whole family is very dear to me, but I don't seem to talk too much about Maedhros, do I? Let's fix that

one aspect about them i love: He tries. He tries so hard. People in the Silm have a marked tendency to pick a course of action and stick to it no matter what, but Maedhros does his very best to judge each situation individually. I really admire how committed he is to doing what he thinks is right, even if his plans rarely go as well as he hopes

one aspect i wish more people understood about them: This is more of a pet peeve than anything but I wish people would see him as an individual. I feel like we always get Maedhros-and-parents, Maedhros-and-brothers, Maedhros-and-Fingon, Maedhros-and-Morgoth, etc, but never Maedhros, just Maedhros. I would like to have his individuality acknowledged, just in general. Basically please understand he's a full person on his own, no matter how caught up he always is in other people's lives

one (or more) headcanon(s) i have about this character: This is based on literally nothing and might be contradicted by canon tbh but the Vibe I get is that he's uncommonly affectionate for an elf. I feel like he definitely makes a sharp distinction between public and domestic spheres, but in private, he can be disarmingly sweet to family and friends

one character i love seeing them interact with: Good question. I'm trying to think of someone and drawing a blank? It's so rare to see Maedhros interacting with people, he usually speaks at them in canon. I wanna default to Maglor but that feels like a cop-out lol

one character i wish they would interact with/interact with more: Curufin!! For sure!! I have so many thoughts about them! They have this complicated thing going on where Maedhros is technically Feanor's heir but Curufin is the one to both inherit Feanor's skills AND to give him a grandson. How does that impact their relationship with each other, even before Beleriand? Please tell me Tolkien. Please.

one (or more) headcanon(s) i have that involve them and one other character: Ironically for someone called Nelyafinwe, he doesn't really like Finwe. He won't admit that under torture, but he doesn't. He doesn't hate him, but he can't help feeling like Finwe doesn't take as much responsibility for the people in his care as he should, neither as a father nor as a king. As someone who probably takes more responsibilities than he should, Maedhros resents that a little bit

[gerrydelano]

i finished reading tsp a few days ago and there are so many things i'm in love w about it... (i'm going to write a VERY long comment once i have the spoons, trust me) but one specific thing that stood out to me was the acknowledgement that people can have childhood trauma without like... having shitty parents? like miriam was Trying Her Best (& i love her) but jon still ended up with a bunch of fun trauma from the kids at school & a guest for mister spider. and, idk, in a lot of fandom spaces it feels like people equate childhood trauma with just Having Shitty Parents and nothing else, so it was really refreshing to see something different! (also i'm in LOVE with miriam, holy shit)

aaaaaaaah i’m so excited to see your comment, i’m sure it’ll put me on the FLOOR. take your time, though! even just this message made me so happy, and i’m glad that you felt up to coming by and telling me this.

i’m glad you pointed this out! that’s definitely something that i wanted to put a focus on there, especially because we already have “childhood trauma = Shitty Parents” with gerry right there juxtaposing him. yes, there’s power in solidarity, but they have that in other ways! and hang on. ronologue.

[ID: a gif of raven from that’s so raven having a vision /end ID]

i myself had some Pretty Shitty Parents, and honestly, i found it far more rewarding to try and write something less. polarizing? than what i see in fandom spaces sometimes, you’re right that it runs the risk of being just kind of. slapped on, with either no real understanding of that abuse/trauma OR because of projection that i will not argue with, but i just may not put into my own interpretation.

i’m personally most compelled by narratives with a complicated relationship to guardians over a Purely “hateful” or miserable one, because it feels more honest about even the shitty parents, too! i don’t think pure hatred like that really exists in the way that we want it to in fiction for the satisfaction of retribution or escape. even gerry, we have to acknowledge that he loved his mother even if we hate her. it’s part of why it’s so messy for him. that’s why he was so trapped.

in terms of active malicious intent, i think of jon as having more social trauma from peers than anything from inside the house. it feels like it explains him better, explains his tendency to insist that he must handle things Alone (not even only because he doesn’t want others to get hurt, but also because he thinks it’s the only way it’ll get done “right,” etc.), the way he is so concerned with perception and image, the way he carries himself.

i think he also had to have learned some of his stronger qualities from Some kind of role model, regardless of the unhealthy things he absorbed from living with her, too. she may have modeled a form of maladaptive self-sufficiency that he picked up pieces of, like everyone does from the people that raise them whether they realize it or not.

and i can understand why people might see canon nana sims’ dismissive book bin buying and jon’s perception of resentment and go “oh, she didn’t care about him,” but that’s not the way i read it at all? it feels lazy to me. it takes two seconds to humanize her and also his recount of the story.

not only is he an unreliable narrator with a strong knack for assuming that people are perceiving him negatively (it’s the eye), but he was also telling the story about his biggest childhood trauma during his biggest extended adult trauma to date.

of course everything surrounding it is going to be a little darker than it might be normally. we all embellish and focus on the stuff that made us feel the worst when we tell those stories. and he still went out of his way to say “i know she was trying and she did her best, but this thing did hurt me.” which is something you can say about someone without them being inherently, like. abusive?

not all trauma is from abuse! you are right! and i wish people would see that.

it also just feels crappy to give everyone abusive parents/guardians when you’re writing stories about a variety of experiences. like i said, i was already writing gerry with that and he’s on a whole ‘nother fucking level, so why would i want to add more when i could instead focus on the potential counterbalance to it? etc.

if you want to project a neglectful childhood onto someone, martin and annabelle are both right there. if you want to project a violent childhood, gerry is right there. even jane prentiss has some more grounds for what her deepest fears and desires turned out to be; it had to come from somewhere.

also not gonna lie. gonna be truthing. gonna say honesties. i really think people also tend to lean on this for jon as a way of pushing jmart narratives where they bond over having never felt parental love and then heal each other from it somehow. acting like jon has never been loved in his life is not only fucking weird but also an insult to georgie too like LET HIM have had PEOPLE at some point prior to canon? stop skewing things to act like endgame love is the first and only person to ever love someone jesus christ. THAT’S disrespectful tbh, we should put that in the writing abuse document.

and i don’t think that’s what jonny intended with that bit of backstory, either? he  did say he based that book bin thing on his own growing up experience and not to speculate about the lives of real people but i kind of severely doubt that he’d have been writing that in as an indicator of abuse while also having his mother play a role in the podcastjhBKFJnkenekne but that’s just me.

there are plenty of wonderful parents out there & that narrative could be written more often as an example of what to aspire to, but more often is the middle ground between misunderstanding, honest effort, honest mistakes, even some moments of intentional clashing just for the friction, just for the fixing, just because we are all human and NO relationship you EVER have will be completely without conflict. communication is the key! and you are GOING to mess up sometimes, no matter your intentions.

it just felt like a useful tool to use in that story especially, as a foil to mary & to show a different shade of that grey area in family dynamics. putting fear at the core of miriam’s mistakes was fun to explore in a setting about fear, to also show another way someone might cope with that and how that coping mechanism does not exist in a vacuum, either. communication is key, and they didn’t communicate until it was almost too late. that is where they went the most wrong.

i always feel like i have to Over Explain my miriam choices because people perceive jon’s grandmother as this cold, uncaring, heartless woman who didn’t want him and i feel like by saying “actually consider that perhaps she might have just been a person who lost her son and daughter in law in Rapid Succession and clearly had no living husband so maybe she was desperate to keep this child in the house because he had a history of literally just walking away and needing to be brought home by police before he was eight because it scared the crap out of her” i’m somehow being like..... An Apologist™

WHICH IS RIDICULOUS JVHBKN like. of COURSE jon would perceive it as restrictive! he would have felt that way as a child who didn’t understand that kind of fear yet!!!! obviously that’s how it felt to him! that doesn’t mean she was trying to lock him in a box. she was solely responsible for him and the idea of losing him too would have SCARED her. it would scare ANYONE senseless.

i just! i love her. i love that you love her and i’m glad that the choices i made with her were refreshing to you, that makes me really happy. thank you so much for reading and for sending me this, i hope you have a wonderful day!

[redxblueihateloveyou]

I'm surprised people see Tadashi as the victim in his relationship with Ainosuke, when it's Tadashi the one who time and time again takes away Ainosuke's agency, without being able to see that he is throwing him unto unhappiness. I can't help but think that if Tadashi was not working at Shindo's house, Ainosuke would have maybe left or broke with the family. But he can't do that if he wants the relationship with Tadashi going on, seing how Tadashi is set on enforcing the family rules...

Hmm.. I def agree with the fact that Tadashi is not what most fandom makes out of him, my man (I mean, Adam’s man) is a 100% Slytherin. But I disagree with blaming him for this, after all the revealed info. The environment they were both raised in made their situation complicated.

I like Tadashi a lot, he’s probably my fav thing about this anime, bc he’s a dark horse, and I’m once again surprised, that so little ppl see him for who he really is, portraying him as an innocent puppy, which he is definitely not.

Now to why I think both Tadashi and Adam are victims of the dad and aunties in this situation. 

We can of course say “if only they told each other how they really feel...”, but like we can say it about any love story really. Every author knows it’s no fun. The truth is that yes, they both hurt each other, and yes, if they were honest about their feelings things would’ve been different, but as I’ve already wrote under that “toxic” commentary on YT, lets look at the whole situation from both of their point of views:

We know that Adam when he was little always treated Tadashi as an equal, he never ever thought of him as someone lower than him and after their fall out, the only reason for this “harsh” treatment (well, besides their confirmed kink) was that Adam tried to get a reaction out of him, so Tadashi would stand up for himself, bc Ainosuke got mad about Tadashi caving to his dad’s wishes and abandoning him, when he needed him the most. 

But now, knowing the fact that Tadashi was his dad’s secretary and was under his control, let’s see it from his perspective: Tadashi wanted to stay by Adam’s side, Adam’s dad implied that if Tadashi did say smth, he’s gonna be.. well, dismissed and they won’t see each other ever again. That’s what caused Tadashi to stay silent in that moment. Ainosuke instead saw this as a “he’s not on my side” thing, well, because. Tadashi won’t tell him his problem, bc dad and aunties control everything, so even if he does tell him, what a teen would do really? He didn’t have any powers back then to make his dad do anything. 

And that’s when it all gone to shit, since they both were hurt for their own reasons. It’s easy to say leave the family, but 1stly nobody explained to Adam still that he’s physically and psychologically abused by his family, he sees it as them “loving him” and sadly also loves them, bc nobody told him, that love wasn’t supposed to be like that really. He definitely feels that smth is not right and feels emotionally exhausted there bc of this treatment, but did he ever consider leaving? I really don’t think so. He feels obligated to be worthy of a family, who “loves” him.

Do you think, for example, that Akashi Seijuro hates his dad for what he did to him? No. Does he understand that he wasn’t at fault for what happened to him and that his dad instead of comforting his child after his mother’s death, who was his only safe haven, made everything worse? I don’t think he does. Like his mom gave him basketball, an escape from all that family’s obligations and strictness. After her death, it was the only thing left that brought him joy, but his dad ruined even that, saying that if he’s gonna be bad at it/lose, he’d take it away from him too. Does Akashi see this as emotional abuse? No, he sees it like “well, I have to be the best bc I was born in such powerful family, so if my dad says that I must be best at everything, then I must.”

I personally hate such parents a lot. To me it doesn’t matter if Adam’s dad didn’t know about aunties hitting his child. Like if he was too busy to notice this and have no time for his kid and made his childhood miserable, it doesn’t make it any better really. 

Same as with Akashi’s dad. Some are like “he was probably also grieving about his wife”. Emm? He was like this from the beginning, bc he treated Akashi not as his son, but as his heir. And yes, that’s different things. Same with Endeavor and Todoroki. Your child is not your post production thing.

2ndly they were too young, even if they knew about each others feelings and he didn’t feel obligated and told everyone to fuck off, they’d be on the streets now, but also Adam’s dad doesn’t seem like a guy who’d leave them alone really. Also eloping seems very romantic, but I don’t think it is, esp when you’re teens. Did you want him to sell some expensive watch and go live on Hawaii or smth? Bc finding a decent job there would be difficult at this age, esp with everyone knowing who your dad is. Chen Ke from “Antidote” survived bc he was 27 and had connections and some great friends. Adam was in high school, where would he go exactly?

Now let’s go back to now. Obviously all this time it didn’t even cross Tadashi’s mind that for Ainosuke he comes first and that he would throw everyone under the bus to make Tadashi stay with him. As we see at the end, he legit believed that Adam was planning to send him to jail and didn’t get that he said it just to shaken he up and that he knew who he’d set up for this from the beginning. 

To Adam obviously it doesn’t matter whether they’re in a quarrel or not, he would never him go. Yes, he’s mad at him, he’s angry and hurt, but Tadashi’s still the person he needs the most, he’s still the person who brightens his days, even tho he deliberately behaves like he annoys him. He always looks at him and looks at him and looks at him, but then hisses smth to hurt him. Bc he knows that he needs him, but he also hates that he needs him, bc he thinks it’s unrequited.

And that’s how their classic romance goes in hellish circles. No one wants to talk as usual. Adam is mad Tadashi is like that bc his dad turned him into a slave with no opinion, while Tadashi is scared that Adam would be taken away from him bc of his ugly family. 

Now I still think that no one and I mean no one can take Tadashi from Adam now, he is his precious. So my plan is... if Tadashi made aunties do smth against him or to get rid of him, aunties will go for sure. The problem is Tadashi still doesn’t get that he comes first, so we’re stuck in this hell still.

So anyways, my point is Adam’s heart basically sings “you got a hold of me, don’t even know your power” to Tadashi, but he doesn’t hear it, bc of his insecurities, the way he was raised and his status. But yes, he holds all the power. He’s both Adam’s sanity and insanity. No matter how cheesy it sounds he was basically his only ray of sunshine in the darkness, if you take it away, that’s what it leads to, that’s why Ainosuke-sama needs more ppl who care for him. I don’t want anyone to die next time, just cause Tadashi and Adam fought about where to put their new couch lmao. I’m kidding, but you know what I mean. And kill the aunties, pls seriously, we need to be free.

Also ppl need to remember that like lots of animes/characters are parcially inspired by some other animes/characters, also the chosen seiyuus are also very important, there are lots of stuff like jokes and references, that creators use, from characters being fully inspired by smth like “Assassination classroom” characters based on KNB, to little stuff like Levi dressed in Akashi’s uniform in chibi AOT bc Hiroshi Kamiya. Utsumi already said before stuff like she sometimes think of a perfect voice for the character and then fully forms him, we also know her clear love for sports animes. So yes, I doubt Tadashi/Kuroko thing is a coincidence and even tho someone was like “zone? is this knb or smth?” I was like no, zone is actually a common thing in sports, even tho most associate it with KNB including me, it’s not like its their invention, but there were things inspired by this for sure, and from other sports animes too and no, I don’t mean the basic sports anime tropes, I mean, like way too specific things, some character designes, too. And yes, Langa appearence and personality wise is a rinharu child for real, I can literally split his scenes in “that’s Haru”, “that’s Rin”.

That’s why I’ve said that this situation in fandom reminds me of Kuroko/Akashi situation a lot, bc same as here in KNB ppl for some reason automatically thought that Kuroko is this innocent sheep and Akashi is the wolf (but also like it was Akashi who chose to dress as red riding hood, while Kuroko was a wolf lmao), not even seeing who is in reality more dangerous and who can easily control who. It just buffles me bc it’s not some deep analisys really. I mean once again there’s a reason for the saying that the sub holds all the power over the dom. 

And like just bc someone yells or threatens ppl constantly doesn’t necessarily mean he is a psycopatic killer, and just bc someone is quiet and doe-eyed, doesn’t mean he isn’t. I didn’t think we needed to explain this to someone, but aparently we do?

And it honestly kills me just how superficially ppl are watching things these days. It really gives me war flashbacks to stuff like the last mdzs s1 episode, where ppl started to comment things like “how LZ can be so heartless” lmao. Or that anonymous ask “do you think haru misses rin?”. Like you don’t see thing at all? Grey substance no needed, while watching things?

P.S. I also would die to see Adam vs Tadashi race just bc I for some reason can bet all my money, that it’s the same situation as with Akashi refusing to ankle break Kuroko, no matter how mad he is. I just can’t imagine Ainosuke hitting Tadashi in the face with a board. Like 100% sure he wouldn’t even try tbh.

[mxtxsblog]

Untamed did XY dirty

I love Untamed, I really do. Unpopular opinion: I love love love almost all the changes from the novel. WWX having the same body? Inspired (and MDZS cheated about it: in most adaptations WWX's and MX's body are so similar the audience can't disintiguish them!). The bit about WWX falling, LWJ trying, JC stabbing (but not really)? A piece of art. Demonic cultivation as black smoke? Yes baby!

JC and WQ? Genius.

WWX tenderly wiping away JC's tears in the climax? I want to scream (WWX and JC's relationship is my second favorite one, just after XueXiao). And I love the changes about Yi City quartet! XY appearing early and being a force of demonic cultivation? Sweet. XXC not being so driven to arrest him? Yay. XY dying with a smile remembering XXC? Babies. But I really really really hate the change about XY's tragic backstory. It really changes everything about XY and I simply ignore it (and so usually does fandom, so yay!). Why? Because XY's backstory is divided into two parts, and the division is essential.

(As usual, I wish I had more time and energy to dedicate to this meta, but sadly I can't).

From the start, XY doesn't make it a mystery he grew up beaten up. Because that's not the point, not really. Then XY decides to share a bit with AQ and XXC, and it's the sad story of a child without parents nor money who loves sweets but can't eat them. Of course sweets are a symbol of food, a home, a family, kindness, happiness, everything baby XY (he's only 7 years old!!!) doesn't have. It's noted that child XY is strangely naive and trusting (they call him dim-witted!). So even in his poor situation, he conserved a trust in the world and its justice. (And I think this particular is key to WHX's belief that XY has a good nature). So a man asks XY to do a task, in exchange of some sweets. XY does it (and he's happy to earn the pastries! He doesn't even think about stealing them or anything!), and he's harshly beaten (twice!) because of it, injustly. The story ends for the moment, XY lets out the most important part (and XXC feels that the story is unfinished). Then everything happens. And XY tries to share the last part to XXC. And yes, that's the really important part. XY runs in Chang Cian and, with an innocence impressive for a child in his situation, tells him what happened. He doesn't understand yet, he thinks there was a mistake ("he felt both frustrated and happy"). Surely Chang Cian didn't send a poor innocent child to be beaten for fun. But Chang Cian beats him too, and denies him his pastries. XY tries to stop him, and Chang Cian decides to strike him in the face with a whip and runs him over with his charriot. That's the important part of the story, that's the thing who destroyed and shaped XY. It's not about his little finger (but of course his mutilated hand is a eternal remind of what's happened!). It's not about physical suffering: living poor, alone, homeless, in the streets, XY must had already met many bad people (he himself says that he was beaten a lot as a child). (Although I can concede that the excrucing pain of a crushed hand, obviously not treated, was the worst pain XY had ever felt, with painful and lasting consequences.) It's about hurting a child for one's amusement. It's about tormenting him without any care. As he was a stray dog, a broken toy. It's about being manipulated and hurt simply because a person is rich, is gentry, is powerful. (And also normal people, the man, the waiter, the driver, hurt him without any care. I think that's essential for XY loss of trust in anyone, and his disgust with people in general). If Chang Cian was simply a person who denied a begging child few pastries, if he was simply a cruel man who beated a child, he wouldn't have earned XY's revenge. But XY hates him, not the waiter, not the other man. Why? Because Chang Cian chose him to amuse himself with his pain, with his shattered hopes. XY did everything right, did what was asked of him, and was cruelly hurt for it. And when XY tried to stand up, to demand his recompense, he was hurt even worse. "Is it that, since the fingers weren’t yours, you guys were incapable of feeling the pain?! You guys didn’t know how horrifying screams sounded like out of your own mouths? Why didn’t you ask him why he decided to amuse himself with me without a single reason?!" And of course nobody helped him. Not the waiter, not the driver of the charriot, not the people. Nobody cared about a starving nobody. And it's this cruelty, this abusing of an innocent child's trust, who broke XY. So yes, the backstory in Untamed about a man who denied a homeless child's begging for sweets and run him over, while tragic, lacks the most important part. The things that set Chang Cian apart from all the other people who hurt a homeless child. "A man sat on a table inside the shop. as he saw the child, he gestured for him to come over." XY wasn't bothering him in any way. The man just saw a poor defenseless child and decided to hurt him and be cruel without any care. And yes, I can't forgive The Untamed for this. So in all my meta XY's backstory is MDZS's one. Because the other one really doesn't make sense and lacks the

original's complexity and brutality (also, XXC gives XY candies even in The Untamed, so it makes more sense if the story was told). Last but not least: they robbed us of XY sharing the first part of his story around the fire. Eternal shame on them. Of course in my meta that scene happened. Strangely enough, they originally also cut XY's incredibly complicated smile at XXC by the fire. Maybe they didn't know how the audience would have reacted to XY, who from what I can see he's a popular but deeply divisive character. So they couldn't decide how much sympathetic they wanted to present him? (Similar to Loki's case, in truth). So in the end: don't let Untamed fools you, XY's backstory is tragic and deep. And it's not about physical hurt, but the shattering of a child's trust in the world.

(Also, XY knows and hates that cultivators and people in general don't care about powerful people abusing poor nobodies. Ghosts and monsters? Political conquests? Of course, but rich powerful people hurting defenseless children? Ahahah, no.)

In short: XY is a woobie destroyer of worlds and that's really sexy of him.

Also, the world fully earned his enmity.

Also, I want all the AUs where somebody is kind to this child and nurses him back to health. As consequence, magic ancient China loses a killer and gains a bloody defensor of starving children, eater of the rich, rogue demoniac cultivator.

[trulyhumblenarcissist]

Well... Shit

I've just finished Jujutsu kaisen, both anime and manga, it was a beautiful marathon like the old ones I used to have when my life didn't get in the way of my passions (but that's another story). I must say the experience was incredibly refreshing and I'm glad I've decided to finally give jjk a try. First and foremost, it definitely has its own problems: the power system is not so clear and easy to understand at times (or maybe I'm just dumb) and some characters suffer from a severe case of plot armor that gives them the edge to win fights that should be out of their league. The premise isn't original at all, but I don't think Akutami wanted to create something ground breaking. There are a lot of references to well established shonen mangas, such as Bleach and Naruto (duh). Curses born from humans' bad emotions are definitely similar the hollows that terrorized Karakura in Bleach. I'm not going to point out the obvious resemblance between Gojo and Kakashi because I guess it's already a meme at this point, but Itadori and Naruto are definitely quite similar: sunny types with a demon trapped inside their bodies. With this derivative kind of setting, you would expect jjk to be quite simple and boring, but here's the catch: this manga manages to embrace stereotypical shonen tropes while at the same time painting them in a different light. Let's talk about Itadori and Fushiguro's relationship, for example: they are basically Naruto and Sasuke on a surface level and it would've been so easy writing them as sour rivals, at least in the beginning. The industry loves this type of relationship, but Akutami said "screw that" and actually made these two boys the best of friends. Itadori saved Fushiguro's life and Fushiguro saved Itadori's in return. They are very different people and their ideologies are bound to clash: Fushiguro doesn't want to be a "hero", he's a sorcerer, whose duty is to exorcise curses, not to save every single person he meets. He has a strong moral compass and he judges things on his own, avoiding to be influenced by others if possible. To him, saving lives is not an obligation, it's something he decides to do only if he thinks it's worth it. This may appear extremely selfish and arrogant, but in reality, Fushiguro's choices don't stem from an exaggerated ego. He despises injustices, to him the world is inherently unfair, so there isn't proper way to make things "right". It's impossible saving everyone and it isn't even something worth pursuing, especially because someone's safety could easily become someone else's demise. Fushiguro came to the conclusion that, since fairness really doesn't exist, the only thing that he can do to make the world a better place is basically starting from his own world, helping only the people he really wants to help (a similar concept is expressed by Nobara, who doesn't concern herself with the problems of people she doesn't know or care about, because she understands that doing it would be the fastest way to become miserable). Itadori, on the other hand, finds humanity inherently worthy of salvation, no matter what. That's because he is strong and his strength is definitely his curse, metaphorically speaking. The strong must protect the weak because it is the moral thing to do.

If you're strong, you are gifted with something more in comparison to the average person; since nothing is given for nothing, you must return to the world at least a part of the luck you have received by birth. Things get even more complicated for Itadori the moment he realizes that Sukuna could destroy (and he almost did it) everything he cares about in an instant, forcing him to make amends for crimes he didn't even commit. That's a very tragic situation for our MC and I really, really appreciate the fact that Sukuna isn't just another Kurama, ready to become Itadori's pet friend and help him whenever it fits the plot. To this day, Sukuna intervened in Itadori's fights only when he wanted to, for a whim or because the situation could benefit him. So refreshing! Itadori is definitely cursed from both Sukuna and himself, which is a very interesting plot point and it makes you wonder who will be faster in making Itadori's life a nightmare: Itadori himself or Sukuna?

Itadori's objective to save as much people as possible is also liked to his visceral desire to be accepted and loved, to have people around him even at his death bed. But, unfortunately, his merging with Sukuna definitely suggests he will be soon forced to isolate himself, in some way, basically depriving him of the only thing he really wanted. Besides, his desire to have friends and comrades is probably the byproduct of his upbringing... He wasn't alone, he had his grandpa, but he never met his parents and this is definitely a huge gap in his life, even though he seems to not care.

This rambling is already too long as it is, sorry... The last thing I'd like to point out is that, finally, we have some pretty good female characters! No Sakuras or Hinatas and that's really nice. Nobara, the heroine, is unhinged, badass and also extremely feminine in her passions and desires. She's not the typical tomboy nor the typical girly boy obsessed princess in distress. She can defend herself without sacrificing the softer sides of her personality. She is Kugisaki Nobara and no one can tell she must be different in order to fullfil her role as a shaman woman. I really like her (sobs). Maki makes tingle my little bi heart so I will not say anything about her. I'm not gonna show my simping shameful self, not now at least.

Honorable mentions:

Call me main stream and basic, but I fucking adore Gojo... He's hot, a little sadistic and completely childsh. For once, he is a teacher that doesn't get obscured by his pupils. He is so broken and op that Akutami needed to... Well you know. Another element that gives me a bit of sadness is the fact that Gojo is basically my age... And the fandom calls him a "dilf"... A dilf! He's just 28, don't call me out like that.

Suguru's story was pretty sad, I wish we could've seen more of his descent into madness.

Mahito... Cute, but nothing special. I find him kinda boring sometimes, he doesn't tickle my imagination neither my speculative instinct, while Suguru is definitely more interesting, especially in his relationship with Gojo.

That's it for now, I can't wait this week's chapter.

[schnees-and-schnugs]

All of the Schnees for the character meme? Yes, even Jacques. Klein counts as well. :3

Weiss

How I feel about this character: k-k-kween

All the people I ship romantically with this character: *cracks knuckles* SUN, blake, yang, jaune, neptune, ironwood, etc etc.

My non-romantic otp for this character: her relationship with ruby is adorable. Also her relationships with winter and whitley.

My unpopular opinion about this character: something that has been bothering me about weiss recently is that now that she is the Emotionally Mature One (tm), she's just not allowed to have internal struggles? This was super obvious with her conflicts with her siblings in v8. We don't see her have any second thoughts about her and winter going different ways and just seems pleasantly surprised when winter calls her. When willow tells her that whitley felt abandoned by her and that's why he lashes out, we don't see weiss have any normal feelings that would come with that sort of revelation.

If the last time I had seen my older sibling (one that I look up to and am close with), they were severely injured and following a man I considered a dictator- I would have second thoughts? Show a little worry? Idk. If my mother revealed to me that I hurt my little sibling by leaving them alone in a household with two abusive parents and that's why they hate me, I would feel a least a little guilt. Even if I shouldn't, I would. And again, second thoughts about my past choices.

Instead weiss is just constantly self assured in everything she does and shows no complexities (emotions wise) that we saw from her in earlier volumes. And I understand it's supposed to show growth, but it just comes off a self centered and callous much of the time, esp in her arc with whitley.

One thing that I wish should happen with this character/has happened: *bangs pans and pots together* let! her! have! a! conversation!with! her! brother! please!

Winter

How I feel about this character: disaster eldest sister energy

All the people I ship romantically with this character: cinder, marrow, ironwood, harriet?

My non-romantic otp for this character: her and her family uwu + penny.

My unpopular opinion about this character: don't really have an unpopular opinion about winter. I wish they would have addressed winter's complicity in what ironwood was doing in-show, bc her fight with ironwood just kinda rang hollow to me. I was just thinking "winter your ass was up there on the screens with ironwood in mantle oppressing them don't act like you were never okay with it". Winter stans don't @ me.

One thing that I wish should happen with this character/has happened: I want to see her actually have an arc with her brother instead of it getting half assed for time like they did with weiss and whitley (I know it sounds harsh but I'm salty).

Whitley

How I feel about this character: I get overwhelmed looking at his face I want to squeeze his cheeks so bad

All the people I ship romantically with this character: oscar, penny

My non-romantic otp for this character: him with his family, TEAM POWR

My unpopular opinion about this character: I would like to see him talk more with characters instead of only existing to be Dues Ex Whitley. Please.

Also I feel like whitley's turn around was a little too unrealistic? I appreciate that they tried to show that whitley is a good person with a consience underneath all of his survival mechanisms, but an abuse victim like whitley can still be a good person while realistic suffering from the after effects of being groomed and manipulated for years. Whitley showing realistic concern for his father would not have made him a bad person or hindered his healing process. Whitley seemed to truly be attatched to his father, even if it was unhealthy.

They even had whitley bring him up ("after what you did to father") and had shown whitley in jacques' office afterwards. But it was framed in a way that whitley's concerns were trivial and should be dismissed and disregarded (as shown by weiss basically telling him that whitley should get over it bc she's trying to save the world and shoving him aside). It's only until whitley goes along with what weiss wants and forgets everything that he was upset about before is when he's seen as a good person, and it was just a little too quick and convinient for me.

Like.... Whitley should be allowed to be upset about his father, his family reputation, and his mother locking herself up in her room. Even if it's trivial to weiss, whitley at that point had nothing else and was alone. And the resolution to that was basically "whitley gets over it because he saw ruby talking on the broadcast about how they need help and overheard weiss mention family to may in an argument". And idk. It just rubs me the wrong way.

One thing that I wish should happen with this character/has happened: I wish he would have had a conversation with weiss to flesh out their relationship and I also hope that they handle his relationship with winter well whenever they choose to do it.

Willow

How I feel about this character: I have a love hate relationship with this woman

All the people I ship romantically with this character: klein, ironwood, watts, qrow

My non-romantic otp for this character: her and her family.

My unpopular opinion about this character: her cracking a joke about how she's above drinking in the dark was so tone deaf djdjsjsj. Like ma'am u were just neglecting your 14/15 year old son during a literal apocolypse and he had no adult around at all to look after him at all for his physical and emotional needs. I dont think I need to explain how horribly abusive that is. Yes, before she was doing the same thing but at least whitley had staff, klein, and hell, even jacques around. And when whitley is rightfully angry at her about it, her response is to crack a joke at her own expense like heehee even I'm not that much of a drunk and I just-

I know that scene was meant to make me like willow but it literally did the opposite for me lmfao. She should have at least apologized.

One thing that I wish should happen with this character/has happened: I hope they don't pull a qrow on us and show willow just going cold turkey with alcohol esp after they drilled into us just how dependant she is on it. Like she's even lower functioning that qrow to the point where she was barely in her children's lives while they were being abused, so to have her just quite easily is just going to leave me thinking "so she could have quit like this anytime while her kids were suffering?" Not saying that that's what they're going to do, but just not something I want to see.

Jacques

How I feel about this character: bitch ass

All the people I ship romantically with this character: pain and suffering

My non-romantic otp for this character: more pain and suffering

My unpopular opinion about this character: a quick death was too good for him. He should have been forced to live in destitution as t the mercy of the ppl he caused pain to. This would have been better justice wise, and the schnees would get some sort of closure.

One thing that I wish should happen with this character/has happened: I wish we got to see him interact with willow and whitley. Esp whitley, since the fandom seems to think him and his father are a 2 for 1 deal, but yet we've only ever seen them interact once?

Klein

How I feel about this character: the goodest man on remnant

All the people I ship romantically with this character: willow

My non-romantic otp for this character: the schneeblings

My unpopular opinion about this character: nothing really

One thing that I wish should happen with this character/has happened: hope we see him interact with schneeblings that aren't weiss for once.

--------

I have A LOT of thoughts about this family. Too many.

[autumnslance]

Are you still doing the reverse unpopular opinion thing? If so, may I ask what you think of the Heavensward elf husbands? (Haurchefant, Aymeric and Estinien)

I certainly can! And the elf squad are certainly a class of their own. Under the cut, since there’s 3 of them.

Haurchefant

Best bro. In EN, so polite and proper and welcoming compared to everyone else in Coerthas so far, your first time through. Willing to go to great lengths for his best friend Francel--including riding in and leaping from his chocobo in the Most Dramatic Manner Possible to join the fray against the sudden dragon the false inquisitors called in.

I do wish they hadn’t pulled back on his personality quite so much in EN; I think there were better ways to hit a happy medium between the trope he embodies in JP versus Western sensitivities, but it then creates an interesting dynamic of Haurchefant later opening up more to the WoL and Alphinaud when meeting again the 2.x patches and early Heavensward, where they do lean a bit more into his sunny side (while still avoiding a lot of the elements that would come across as not great in EN).

I think the fandom often sells short how complicated he can be; behind the cries of “Splendid!” as he serves hot cocoa, there’s a rightfully Angry young man who Chooses, every day, to be helpful and kind to others, to live up to the Ideals of Knighthood. Threaten someone he cares for, someone who has shown him kindness, and he will bring all seven hells down--the false inquisitors weren’t the first to threaten Francel, and Haurchefant won his knighthood as an adolescent by tearing apart grown men who hurt the boy. That reaction gets translated into the WoL and associates; they helped him save Francel, they helped Coerthas, they helped Haurchefant, so of course the WoL becomes so very important, on top of all else they’ve done for the realm.

One of my favorite scenes is actually on return to Ishgard; he see Lady Iceheart herself in the streets, but at a shrug from Estinien and a nod from the WoL, Haurchefant is cool with it, fighting at the lady’s side and protecting her as he would his friends. He trusts those he has given his friendship to.

I hate what happened at the Vault as much as anyone, but it’s effectiveness in the story and to the playerbase is because they did such a good job of building Haurchefant into a character, a friend and ally always in the WoL’s corner (and the scene itself is just blocked beautifully and with all narrative and artistic elements really engineered to destroy emotions). The writers lean on it a bit heavily at times (he’s far from the only loss), but a friend said having the option to advise Ryne with Haurchefant’s words feels like finally internalizing the beautiful lessons the man had to teach us and moving forward with them.

Aymeric

The prettiest man in Eorzea. I was afraid he was going to be a trope of “bishonen knight leader in a religious org turns out to be evil” but am so, so pleased he turned out to be legit, a real deal Paladin who also upholds the Ideals and strives to do what’s best for his people. Also some anger, some bitterness, some yearning that is understandable for someone in his position.

I wish they would give us more about his adoptive parents, but I understand why he so ached for some sign of affection, too, from his biological father. It makes him more realistic, and is a point of hesitance in someone otherwise self-assured. Aymeric is fair, strong, but tries to demure from leadership given all the controversy--so of course they push him to the front of the House of Lords. He’s not afraid to tell Hraesvelgr what for to try and shame the old wyrm into helping against Nidhogg.

I love his relationships with Lucia and Estinien, and how he ends up also close to the Fortemps family.

Just a solid guy, it’s easy to see why and how he makes friends so fast, gets pseudo-adopted by Lord Edmont, and has a large chunk of the playerbase in love with him.

Estinien

Ah, Grumpy Dragoon Bro. I started as Dragoon, so my initial experiences with Estinien were as a gruff, annoying antagonistic training NPC through ARR. Who had never let go of his own pain and anger, and so fell prey to his greatest enemy’s manipulations and nearly caused himself even more pain, until reminded forcibly what he already knew.

Estinien’s dedication initially comes from the wrong angle, but he learns; gosh, he learns, the long, hard, bloody way. His softening really begins with his interactions with Ysayle and Alphinaud throughout the Dravanian Roadtrip ane learning the horrible truth of the Dragonsong War--but still being the Soldier who does what must be done, for all involved.

He is gruff and rough, but genuinely cares for the WoL as a comrade in arms (and again, translators, let us have the familiar nicknames/their equivalents; it’s so common for soldiers, for people who fight side by side to have their own injokes and nicknames!). I really love the brotherly relationship he forms with Alphinaud, and the grudging respect he and Ysayle finally gain.I also love the friendship with Aymeric, how these two hurt, lonely young men formed a bond lasting well beyond that first disastrous patrol.

I love the string of profanity he spews in click dialogue post-Vault, cuz it makes so much sense for that to be his way of expression, and so many other characters strive to be controlled and polite.

I love that the devs have decided to shoot the stinky Estinien meme in the feet twice now. It’s a fun joke now and then--and I do headcanon he’s had some rough depressive episodes; as delightful as his Shadowbringers story of how Krile and Tataru roped him in is, it also contains very tragically familiar tropes of traumatized war vets to me, and that doesn’t always lend itself to the best self-care--but man do some folks take it too far. Estinien was a military officer, a Knight of the Holy See, and while there’s gotta be some helmet hair at the end of the day, he’s probably taking care of himself. His comrade in arms, the WoL, would be sad otherwise afterall, and Estinien’s done with disappointing those few that are so close to him.

[pynkhues]

Misogyny is definitely a big reason Beth gets hate and criticized but the fact that she is half the part of a very shipped paring also weight a lot in it. For exemple, if a lot of people are annoyed with her for choosing her kids over Rio, when it's normal, I'd say most people are discontent because she doesn't seem to be torn even one bit about it. If she has, it's extremely implicit and not that palpable.

If their actions towards one another were reversed, Rio would probably get less hate, but shippers would still probably be very vocal about him. I think Beth gets hate for 3 big reason, misogyny, being the more impassive one in her relationship with Rio -expect for sex- and because of how the writers portray the relationship between a white woman and a latino man, the last one being a lot more valid.

If she wasn't in a pairing, she wouldn't get half the hate she gets, i think that's important to underline. Shippers are definitely passionate and often most absorbed by that dimension of the characters and in S3 Beth has given the opposite of "shipping material" and I think a lot of the hate is rooted in that. It's no coincidence that Beth has gotten the most hate for S3

(x)

Oh, I definitely think that shipping plays a big part in it, anon

I think people have a tendency to romanticise ships significantly and the intersection of fanon and canon can often collide which I think colours people’s perception of what the show itself actually is. And I know I’m a part of that! I speculate a lot during the hiatuses and I can’t even count the number of comments I’ve had on my domestic fic, The Center and Circumference, telling me people wished it was canon, which, y’know! Is lovely but it’s never going to be! This show’s never pretended to be that type of show, and being able to differentiate between fanon and canon helps to temper perception which ultimately tempers expectations as well.

I think this is one of the areas the Rio conversation gets complicated too, because the amount of conversation about him in fandom spaces, and the amount of fic and gifs and art he generates makes him feel like a much more leading character than he is. He’s always been a supporting character, not a main, and has had the same amount of screentime – the show’s never pretended that he isn’t or that he hasn’t (although I do agree that NBC’s marketing plays him up more than they should) – but I think that attention in fandom, particularly during the hiatuses, lead people to reimagine him as a lead, which in turn only leads to disappointment.

It’s the same with shipping Beth and Rio. So much attention gets put on their relationship, when it’s ultimately not what the show’s about. As a result, when Beth makes choices that prioritise other things in her life, she’s seen as not meeting fan expectation which can in turn create a pretty visceral disappointment and frequently an anger in people too, which gets directed back at her.

Which brings up an interesting point, because I do think I disagree about Rio getting hate if his and Beth’s positions were reversed. Rio has done a lot of messed up things on this show to Beth, and put many spanners in the works of their relationship, but where Beth is inevitably seen to be a callous bitch, Rio’s either a ‘savage’ or he’s out of character.

The latter of which I agree with in certain instances! I’ve talked about it on here plenty, I will always think the kidnapping was lazy, racist writing and not in line with the character they’d established Rio to be, but I don’t think it is in all instances at all. I think ordering the hit on Lucy was very in character for instance, and yet the response to that from the fandom was drastically less significant than, say, Beth having sex with her husband. The argument that gets thrown around there is typically ‘well, what do people expect? He’s a gangboss.’ which is true! But also, Beth is married, and Dean is her husband, whether people like it or not.

It’s that distinction and lack of understanding that I find inherently frustrating, and ultimately misogynistic.

The misogyny runs deeper than Beth too. Annie gets a frankly absurd amount of criticism on everything from her choice of sexual partner to her parenting, and while most of the time there are points of validity to these criticisms, a lot of the time what’s valid gets swallowed up in sexist language or misogynistic concepts. Hell, that’s even what happens to Beth. Good points about white privilege, girl boss feminism and accountability are swallowed up in vitriol, misogyny and like I said in my original post, a hunger to see her punished in often physically violent ways.

This gets even more complex when the intersection of gender and race comes into play. This was I think most obvious during Ruby’s s2 arc where she was forced to choose between the family she’d chosen (Beth and Annie) and the family she’d created (Stan and her children). There was an insane amount of judgement on Ruby’s character during these episodes and a lot of toxic and racist language about Ruby’s duty to Beth, which was again, not just misogynistic, but racist and hugely unempathetic to the impossible situation she was put in.

Just for the record, I think these are issues that are in every fandom, not just this one, and they’re issues that are frequently internalised and hard to tease out and untangle, but at the same time, I do think it’s important to try.

[maggiecheungs]

2020 ~everything~ wrap

i finally have time to do all of the tag games that people have tagged me in over the past month or so! i cannot for the life of me remember who tagged me in which one, so i’m just putting ~everything~ in one huge post. if i tag you anywhere then consider it a standing invitation to do whichever of these you haven’t done :) in fact, this is me issuing a standing invite to any of my followers who wants to do it :) also, thank you all!

Creator Wrap: Favourite Works

Rules: It’s time to love yourselves! Choose your 5 (or so) favorite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought into the world in 2020. Tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works!

this collection of philosophy quotes paired with thai bl series, (and its sequel) which is possibly my favourite thing i’ve ever made. for, uh, nerd reasons.

these gifted text post memes i made still make me laugh sometimes

this fic about green from 2gether, which i wrote in the notes app on my phone and published the same day. not my absolute best writing but i am very fond of it <3

i have a bunch fof friend zone dangerous area edits/shitposts which i like, but i’m particularly fond of my fzda as satire headlines (which now has a sequel!)

i also love my crisgood-walmart-lesbian post. i might send it in to gmmtv to try and convince them to do a crisgood-bffs spin-off

+ bonus: since i wrote this list i made this gifset (my first ever!) of jennie panhan in the shipper and i love her too much not to include her on here

+ extra nerdy bonus: this niche meme about Chinese philosophy, which still makes me crack up whenever I think about it

Favourite Creators/Follow Forever

i’ve completely lost track of who’s following who from which blog, so this is just going to be a haphazard, non-exhaustive list of people who i adore/admire/am vaguely intimidated by, mutuality be damned. maybe we talk all the time! maybe we’ve never interacted! maybe i am constantly there in ur tags... lurking... 👀... but if you’re on this list you have made me smile at least once this year and i love you for that alone <3

@wjmild kylie!! you make gifs of arm & tay & lee (separately or in various combinations) & the shipper & and kapook & random fluke pusit cameos & school rangers so i don’t have to <3 ilysm

@janeramida vianey, you have such impeccable taste in general, but your sizzy gifset in particular is so gorgeous it lives in my mind rent free

@applelapis bri, this post was a callout and i want you to know that it haunts me at night as i lie awake staring at the ceiling :((((( i hope you are happy

@gigiesarocha cata, i love it when you show up on my dash bc you have!! such taste!! also, every time you gif gigie i gain five years of life <3 pls continue doing the Good Work

@pvrrish​ eleni, i remeber legit thinking that this was an official poster when i first saw it, it’s so beautiful

@ahysopae​ juliette your khaithird fic is so good and it literally changed the way i think about khai (not an easy feat)

@kurosawadachi angel, whenever i think about grace’s speech i remember your gifset and get literal chills

@doctorbahnjit alexa, you have no right to be as funny as you are. your friend zone edits give me life

@khaotungthanawat sam, you’re probably sick of getting tagged in these lists by random strangers, but i just had to bc your gifsets are Pure Art

@tanwirapong roa, all your gifsets are so ✨iconic✨

faiza @asianmelodrama and rahul @petekaos! yours were the first two thai drama blogs i followed and for ages i lowkey thought of you as my fandom parents.

and some more blogs that make me happy: @curlykytta / @lee-thanat  / @fck-inspector-m / @pangwave / @tichawongtipkanon / @tawanv @kimmonv (violet istg i have spent more time this year trying to figure out how many blogs you have than i have spent admiring your gifsets. & i spend a lot of time admiring your gifsets) / @taytawan / @1akorn and @yihwas (and your radiant lovechild @lakornladies ofc) / @teh-ohaew / @vihokratanas (mel your gifsets are just so gorgeous) / @tootiredtoosadtooangry / @headcompletelyempty / @demiromanticmickey​ / and there are definitely more but my brain is a sieve so apologies if i’ve forgotten anyone!! i love you all!! 

2020 HIGHLIGHTS ✨

rules: list your top 10 shows (bl or not) you watched in 2020 (doesn’t necessarily have to be shows that came out in 2020 though!)

1. 2GETHER & STILL2GETHER

my first thai drama, and even after all the amazing shows i’ve watched this year, it still has a special place in my heart. watching 2gether was the first time i’d ever seen a queer romcom that just... was. for me, by the simple fact of its being, 2gether was revolutionary. and then still2gether came along and took all the best things about the first season and gave us something beautiful and quiet and lovely and just proved to me, once and for all, that queer happiness doesn’t need to justify its own existence. there can be gay cuddles on the beach for no other reason than that we want them. 

2. UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN

i don’t really have the words for this one but. it makes my heart so very soft.

3. FRIEND ZONE 2: DANGEROUS AREA

season one was mindless fun because everyone was an absolute trashfire and it was hella cathartic to watch, but season 2... wow. i love it for so many reasons: it has messy and authentic queer rep; the characterisation is excellent and i somehow care about all of the characters; amazing women taking centre stage(!); a wlw relationship with lesbian, ace and bipolar rep; multiple interesting plotlines; actual character development; arm weerayut as a chaos gremlin... absolutely one of my favourites of 2020.

4. CHERRY MAGIC

i don’t think i need to explain this one, which is fortunate, because i have no idea how exactly i’d describe the happy-warm-fuzzy-queer-seen-loving-affirmed-profound feeling that rises in my chest whenever i think about it. 

5. THE GIFTED: GRADUATION

confession: i liked season 2 more than season 1 (with the exception of the ending, which we don’t talk about). season 1 was enjoyable and interesting, but for me it was season 2 which made me love this series. it did some incredibly interesting and complicated things (even if it didn’t quite nail the landing): it pushed characters to the breaking point and wove so many layers into the story and questioned its own underlying themes. plus, watching it alongside everyone in the fandom made it 200% better. i love all of you and i love this show. egg girl 5eva.

6. THE SHIPPER

i 100% understand why so many people didn’t like this show, or found it problematic, but through some fluke it absolutely worked for me (even the ending). one day i will write an essay explaining my rationale, but for now i’ll just say that it’s one of my favourite shows about adolescence and queerness and identity and compassion and friendship and love that i’ve ever watched. 

7. YYY

this series is absolutely off its rocker, and it somehow managed to be one of the most affirming shows i’ve watched. it shouldn’t have worked by it did, and i love it so much.

8. 3 WILL BE FREE

absolutely iconic. amazing plot, stunning visuals, great characters, canon polyamory, jennie being incredible... what a series.

9. MANNER OF DEATH

i love the fact that this show exists; i love the mix of crime and romance; i love maxtul’s acting; i love the central relationship; i love bun. i know we’re not even halfway through yet, but this show is doing something special and i’m so grateful that i get to watch it unfold in real time. 

10. CHIHAYAFURU (SEASON 3)

odd one out on my list, but I had to include it. chihayafuru is my all-time favourite anime and it finally got a third season, which is somehow even better than the first two. mashima taichi is one of my favourite characters of all time and his storyline hits me on such a profound level. plus, in the years since i first say this show i’ve fallen in love with classical japanese literature (particularly heian poetry) so i had newfound appreciation for the karuta matches (aka i cried every time someone recited one of my favourite poems)

other favourites: together with me, he’s coming to me, sotus and sotus s, my dear loser: edge of 17, why r u, theory of love, wake up chanee!, gameboys, pearl next door, uta koi (anime), three kingdoms (2010), blood and water (netflix). (itsay would almost certainly be on my list if i’d had time to watch it. same with dark blue kiss, which i had to pause so i could do my assignments)

Final Thoughts

well, it’s been... a year (i don’t think anyone needs a reminder of the details) but writing this post has reminded me of all the amazing shows and people I discovered over the course of it.

thank you to everyone for being so lovely and creative and funny and quirky and kind and passionate. you’re all incredibly awesome people and i wish all of you the very best xx

[flying-elliska]

Skam France Season 6 Review

It’s that time, I guess. My feelings are, like many, mixed. I think I enjoyed the season more than most people here, but the ending was a massive let down. Overall it boils down to this : Skam France is great at moments and very bad at structure. A lot of my issues with the season is what is not in it. I saw so much potential that never quite materialized, and it left me frustrated. At the same time, Lola is a really cool character, her arc is really interesting, her relationship with her sister is one of the best things they’ve ever done, and the actors killed it. Loved La Mif, discovering other sides of Eliott, the urbex backgrounds, and Maya. A lot of fascinating character moments. This is definitely my second favorite season after s3 - at times I even thought it would equal it. Sadly, though, Skam France will remain a bit of a one hit wonder for me. Because they are so good at bringing up problems in a nuanced layering way - be it addiction, grief, eating disorders, internalized ableism, racist microagressions - but when it comes to resolving what they brought up, they default towards a ‘let’s all be nice to each other, hug or kiss, love saves the day yay !’ story. Which is, when you claim to deal with real world issues, simplistic, immature, and at times quite offensive. It works for s3, which is at its core a tale of self-discovery, self-acceptance and romance. But niceness doesn’t solve racism, and family problems aren’t solved with a hug, and addiction recovery doesn’t hinge on having someone to kiss, and the series came dangerously close to implying that at times. 

All in all, this is a show that often manages to be both brilliant and terrible at the same time. At least it’s not dull. 

Positives/Negatives/Meh breakdown :

Positives :

- Sisterly love : My favorite thing without a doubt is the relationship between Lola and Daphné. Flavie and Lula killed it. Almost all the clips that made me cry were the ones with the both of them in it. At the beginning their rivalry is so relatable to me : the responsible sibling who takes on too much burdens and is too controlling and parentified vs. the problem sibling who acts out to express the issues the rest of the family are repressing - i have been in both of those spots. you can see how they slowly realize that the gap between them didn’t need to be there, that it wasn’t their fault, that it was the result of their parent’s bullshit and even shittier circumstances. seeing them make little gestures to recognize each other’s pain, to nurture each other, to give each other support, but also to tell each other some unpleasant truths, was so incredibly powerful. Relationships between sisters can be just so...complex, and loving, and petty, and jealous, and supportive, and feral, and annoying, and understanding, and ugh, they made me feel all of that and more. I have a sister, and I have a relationship like that with her, and this season gave me some very important perspectives. Really, relationships between women aren’t explored enough, and this season really did this one thing excellently and if only for that, it deserves to be watched. That moment where Lola talks to Daphné about her self destructive tendencies...so important. I am so happy that Daphné was the one finding Lola in her tower of solitude, and the moment where she says ‘you pay too much attention to what other people think, Lola’ was the emotional turning point of the season for me, because it was Daphné recognizing Lola really cared behind her mask of coldness, but also that she was hurt by that and that she needed to love herself regardless of the love her parents didn’t give her ; and also that she heard Lola saying it to her and that it inspired her too, so there is this amazing reciprocity. It was so powerful, I’m still reeling from it. And it was a beautiful full circle from the beginning of the season. 

- Family of outsiders : the urbex gang was such a wonderful new group this season. It was bound to be tricky getting us to like this new generation, and I think they did a pretty good job. Even tho I wish we got to know them a bit more, they were all intriguing and interesting on their own, and the vibes of Lamif as a whole were just so fun and lovely. Loved the neuroatypical vibes I got from Sekou and Jo. Love that they introduced a trans guy character. Loved Maya as group mom. And seeing them warm up to Lola was really sweet. The social media of them hanging out was more or less the only good social media we got this season lmao. The urbex thing was a great symbol for Lola finding a home with the outcasts, a bit on the fringe of society, and the start of acceptance, of bringing her in from the cold. Maya and Lola’s relationship fit in that really nicely, especially the bits about them talking about their shared experiences of grief, and my favorite scenes with them is showing Lola that her scars can be beautiful and that her rough experiences are part of who she is. The way she didn’t take Lola’s bullshit was great, and even tho I think their relationship was rushed, overall they really fit well together. Love Maya’s character as a concept in general, this funky purple haired lesbian environmentalist with amazing sense of style, and I really hope we see her again in upcoming seasons. And finally, I also really liked Eliott and Lola’s friendship (except for the ending) - the fact that they understand this darkness that they share, but that Eliott has succeded in climbing over it, and so he can give Lola support, understanding, guidance. I loved that we got to hear a bit more of his perspective on mental illness, the good and the bad times, that we saw his passion for movies become more real. I loved the fact that they bonded over creative things and photography, too, and that she found a safe space in the video store. And even tho it wasn’t resolved properly, the scene where he comes to get her and punches Aymeric really made me cry. Also, BASILE. Best bro in law ever. Their scenes together were so homey and warm and sweet. They will have such a good relationship in time. Overall, I really like how central friendship was in this season, shown as so powerful and important. They could have done more with it but I love a lot of what we got. I am just a sucker for found family, man.

- Lola herself : I know she was a controversial character right from the start. She’s been called manipulative, selfish, out of control, toxic. And honestly at times...maybe she was a bit. I still love her. She is just so interesting to me. The lack of compassion towards her in the fandom was seriously depressing at times, and often felt like a symptom of something I’ve seen in a lot of different fandoms, ie the capacity to only tolerate moral ambiguity when it’s attached to attractive white male characters - and to only tolerate mental illness symptoms when they can be romanticized. In the end, she’s a struggling teen from a deeply dysfunctional family who’s had a very rough life, of course she’s not going to be well adjusted. All in all, I think she’s so brave, and she is a fighter. I adored her feral energies in the trailer. I also really liked her blunt honesty at times, even if it was sometimes hurtful and excessive. I think because I have the opposite tendency to be afraid to speak my mind, I really dig a character who isn’t afraid to speak the ugly truth. Even though, again, ‘the truth’ isn’t always cut and clear, and what Lola is often doing instead is listening to ‘depression voice’ who tells her to believe the worst in people. I find that fascinating, because in my experience, yes, depression comes with this terrible lucidity that makes you see through a lot of bullshit but at the same time, is distorting your perspective because of fear and shame, and kicking that, and disentangling your perception from that fatalism, is very complicated. I loved how genuine she was, how mature too sometimes through the pain, more mature than she should have been. It was rough watching her relapse, but I think the portrayal of addiction was pretty very well done overall, not romanticized and explained in a very coherent way. I wish the show had given her a bit more of a clearer view of her inner thoughts towards the end and let her apologize a bit more. And a clearer realisation that her parent’s lack of well expressed love didn’t doom her. But...yeah Following her really made me question my own - more hidden - self destructive impulses, linked to family shit, that pushes me to sabotage and isolate myself. Like Eliott said to her - it’s really a lifelong struggle. I think overall her arc was pretty satisfying, learning to step away from the edge, letting people in, seeing that she isn’t alone, accepting she deserves better and that her failures don’t doom her. That it is about getting up and trying again. Love her using her mother’s camera and wanting to get a phoenix tattoo, a perfect symbol for her. Also Flavie was amazing, she’s got a bright future ahead.

Negatives :

- No follow up to the assault storyline : The thing that I am, without any single doubt, most mad about, is the fact they didn’t bring up the sexual assault again. Along with Charles’ rape apologism, this creates a very dubious pattern of trivializing the issue ‘as long as it’s not real rape’. The fact that the morning after immediately turns to Elu drama is what sort of started my disconnect from the season, and the fact that they don’t bring it up afterwards even once made me angry. I think Lola, before going back to the hospital, should have told someone about the abuse she endured there, and should have told someone about Aymeric, even if only to acknowledge she wants to be done with that part of her life. Aymeric is like...Lola’s biggest villain, in a sense, he is a horrible predator but he also somehow represents her worst impulses, that part of herself that tells her she doesn’t deserve better, and I think that as a character, he was interesting, and he should have been adressed/exorcised better. If Lola was a real person, of course, she would probably have to deal with this in therapy, down the line, later, but as a story, never adressing this again left it unfinished. And this is really the kind of event you NEED catharsis and resolution for. Otherwise, it’s irresponsible.

- A generally overstuffed and disjointed structure : My biggest problems with this season are about what isn’t and what isn’t it. I liked most of the clips, I don’t have an issue with them going dark, strangely enough, but the way they were put together was just...messy. Like many people have said, too much stuff not properly adressed. Palm of most annoyingly useless subplot, the whole Tiff thing. Yes, it was cool comparing her clique to Lamifex and Lola realizing she wants nothing to do with those shallow fake bitches. Sekou hacking her account to replace it with pigeons, amazing. After that though, it should have been DONE, and in general, it should have taken a lot less time and attention. Comparing Tiff’s social media addiction to Lola’s issues felt like some trivializing bullshit. The whole thing was just so annoying. It would have been good if it had led to some discussion of social inequality but like...not this shit. Char, equally useless (although, cool actress, cool style). Another MASSIVE problem is the lack of follow through on big clips. A great thing about SKAM, usually, is that it shows you the aftermath of big moments - characters lying in bed, cuddling, talk to their friends, crying in the shower, etc. It allows the viewer to breathe and really get into the character’s perspective, to be comforted and process drama, and for the emotions to resonate better, to have space to develop richly. Here...we had Lola brush off her assault, we saw nothing after Daphné got her back from the tower thinking she could have killed herself, we learned that they had money problems and the father didn’t go to work and then that was never adressed again and the light was turned back on by magic (????), we saw Eliott go on a major bender and didn’t really see how he got better, etc. Big lack of introspective clips in the latter part of the season took me out of Lola’s head. It was all stressful and breathless, all intensity and no pause like one grating high pitch note instead of music, it felt oppressive, with poor contrast, and very badly paced. It made everything blur together and feel less relevant. The problem with that is it really takes you out of the story ; it’s hard to care when you know whatever is happening might not have a resolution, and it doesn’t put you in the shoes of the character. This was compounded by how mediocre the social media was, when it is usually used to bridge in the gaps. And then to finish : the structure was so uneven, especially in the second part of the season. Towards the middle we had some very short episodes with very underwhelming endings, and Vendredis that felt like non events, and there wasn’t a lot happening - and then, bam, ep 9, drama overload, almost like misery p*rn, and then a super rushed resolution in ep 10. Like they cared more about twists and giving the opposite of what was expected instead of solid coherent narrative and rhythm. The romantic back and forth felt repetitive as hell too. All in all, it made for a very unsatisfying live watching experience, pretty sure anyone who didn’t watch live would like it a lot more. 

- The last two episodes : Really, I could have overlooked all the problems with the season if they had given us a good ending, but...they really really didn’t. And contrasted with last season, where my problems were focused on the middle, for me the ending is really the worst part of this season. I didn’t dislike the controversial club clips, I liked having the insight into Eliott’s insecurities, but they should never have brought those up if they weren’t going to let him adress them properly. Having everything go to shit in Lola’s life at once felt like overkill - they really should have solved those problems earlier, and then dealt with a few ones properly, showed us Lola freaking out on her own, and taken out the bullshit at the high school. Thierry slapping her was also too much, he could just have said these clumsy things. She could have distanced herself from Maya instead of pushing her away again. Also, they really should have had this happen in episode 8 again, and given us a proper resolution. While the tower sequence was incredibly powerful, I pretty much liked nothing after that. It was so annoying that Eliott brushed off Lola’s apology because while he wasn’t wrong that he decided to get drunk himself, she still needed to apologize and actually state that she wanted to get better so she didn’t hurt her friends, so as a resolution it was very mediocre. Thierry recognizing they should have given Lola the choice to go the hospital was a step but really not enough. And the moments with Maya were cute sure but mostly cheesy and unearned. Same for the ending clip. Mostly it’s such an unsatisfying farewell to the old generation, and it really feels like they wanted us to force to move on - didn’t want to properly recognize the end of an era, gave us almost nothing about their BAC or their future plans, etc etc. Also, letting Charles talk and having Arthur and Alexia kiss again ? SO BAD. UGH. I will be forever disappointed they didn’t give us a Multi POV or at least sth better on social media. And not having Eliott’s POV or at least a real Elu conversation (pretty much all season...) so frustrating I will never not be bitter about that. So yeah. The season started so powerfully but went out with a whimper instead of a bang. That whole ‘romantic love solves everything!!!’ shtick...very undercooked tbh. 

Meh : 

- Mayla’s development : I wanted to stan them SO BAD. Like, wlw in skam (that doesn’t turn into a panphobic mess?) YES, all the way yes. Maya and Lola had great chemistry, great dynamic. I loved their first few clips, the kind of confrontational flirting, the boldness, it was like...damn girls ! we love a non useless lesbian ! But...somewhere along the way, their relationship really suffered from the wacky plot structure. They should have shown us more bonding before we got to the angsting (esp during first urbex night). Also, their first kiss was sweet but I hated the ‘you’re my addiction’ line and that kind of put a damper on it. I liked the scenes where they open up about difficult things, the love Maya showed to Lola’s scars, the dandelion symbolism was lovely, but it wasn’t balanced enough with other stuff, and I felt Maya was way too stoic at times. And I really, really didn’t like the ending, honestly. They kept a good balance all season showing Lola wasn’t relying entirely on romantic love, that her family and friends were also important - but saying ‘i’m okay as long as you’re here’ at the end...honestly that sounds unhealthy and codependent as fuck. I really wish they’d done a more subtle, taking it slow ending for them.

- The financial issues : Again a storyline with much potential that wasn’t dealt with properly. It’s really good that we got a main that wasn’t from an economically priviledged background. Especially it felt very relevant to Daphné’s storyline, with the shame she felt at her friends seeing her place, the pressure to make it work, tying into her ED, etc etc. But cutting off the power, the father not working going nowhere...it’s like the plotline meandered and then vanished into thin air. Instead of that, they could have given us a scene of Daphné freaking out over the bills like in OG w Vilde, keeping the focus on her for that plot because she’s the most affected ; and then in the end of the season the father taking them over from her and telling her he’s found another job and that those things shouldn’t be her responsibility. That would have been relevant, instead of just...a loose end.

- Family issues : The Lecomte family dynamic seemed fascinating to me at the start. The mom being this shadowy complicated figure. The inability of the father to deal with anything. Daphné being parentified, Lola becoming the symptom child. They could have done a lot with this, but in the end, it felt like it was brushed aside too easily by saying the mom sent letters so she wasn’t too bad and Thierry is making breakfast so he’s trying. Not enough. I wanted them to let Lola acknowledge she deserved better and that their parent’s crap wasn’t on her. That her mom should have looked for help and the other two shouldn’t have pretended everything was okay. In general, there is way too much pressure to overlook toxic parent behavior and I wish they’d been clearer about this. 

- Mental health portrayal : Some parts of it were really good. Showing Daphné’s ED, letting Eliott talk about his episodes and relapses, showing some of the dark sides of depression and addiction. They just needed to show more of the recovery, because that is often the representation that they lacked the most. I don’t blame them for showing the bad sides of the mental healhcare system (which is terribly outdated and dysfunctional in France, I’m speaking from experience) but they should have shown the good too. Like do they find recovery boring or something ? Because as a person w MI, that’s actually what I’m dying to see, and they’ve been a real letdown in that department. I also think they should have acknowledged that the Lecomte family has mental issues as a whole, that the mother should have gotten help, and the father probably needs it too (still think they should have gone to therapy as a group lol).

- Elu and Eliott’s development : Honestly, not a big fan of how they wrote Lucas in s5&s6, in a lot of clips he was the angry guy with a temper, I miss s4 Lucas who was so compassionate and showed real growth and emotional intelligence. Here it just felt like they were fitting his character to plot needs, and it’s so sad for a character who had such an amazing story development. Now, I loved the glimpses of domestic Elu we got, how Axel and Maxence really showed the intimacy that had grown between them, they really felt married with all the nonverbal conversations and touches, that was sweet. But it’s so annoying that they hinted at Lucas’s insecurities and Eliott’s lack of communications and just brushed it away with ‘oh they love each other they will be okay’ sure bitch but then show us how ? that’s the interesting stuff ? it really feels sometimes like the writer(s) didn’t like how strongly the fans focused on the romance when they wanted to be talking about MATURE dark stuff not that frilly fluffy romance shit *eyeroll* male writers who think they’re above that stuff is so annoying as is the conflating of dark and mature - anyway. Again I liked seeing Eliott in his element this season, he is really thriving, with his movie and the video store, and that made me very happy. I don’t think it’s unrealistic he didn’t make a lot of friends in uni - French university can be so isolating, there isn’t a campus or a vibrant social life like in the US, it’s a very common experience to feel lost and isolated for newbies and it was also my case - but ? Sofiane ? Idriss ??? They could have found a better excuse to implicate Lamifex in the movie making tbh, like Jo egging him on about her passion for directing or whatever, and Sofiane could have been there chilling with them it would have been so cool. I just wish Eliott would have had more of an arc like Daphné did. It wouldn’t have taken much, and since he is my favorite character, I will never not be disappointed at all the wasted potential. 

Yeah so in the end i think this was a very good story they didn’t entirely give themselves the right storytelling tools to tell. Like there is something in the way they prioritize certain moments over others that...I just find very frustrating and weird. So...flawed, but still very interesting overall.

[judylicious]

And When He Smiles I Swear I Can’t Breathe

Alan Rubin x fem!Reader

Word count: 1,996

Fandom: Blues Brothers

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Blues Brothers characters or movies. This refers to Alan Rubin as a character in the movie, not the real Alan (although he obvsly played himself but you know what I mean)

I’d like to add that I made everyone of the band a few years younger (so the age gap between the reader and Alan isn’t that big), so he’s approx. in his early 30s.

Sophia & Lisa are two OCs created by two lovely people within the fandom.

Warnings: swearing, mentions of violence, COs having some kind of breakdown

So the next two chapters are gonna be somewhat of a bumpy ride for Charlotte. Just please stay and bear with me until the end of chapter 4, when the magic starts happening. Xx

Chapter III

The next morning Charlotte was having breakfast with her family. “I didn’t hear you coming home last night.” Her dad gave her a harsh look. “Well, yes it got pretty late. I fell asleep during the last movie and the girls felt so sorry for me they didn’t wanna wake me up!” She laughed, trying to lighten up the mood but her father just starred at her emotionless. “I’m sorry, dad. I promise it won’t happen again.”, she added in a apologising tone, which seemed to soothe him. “What films did you watch?”, her sister asked curiously. Charlotte looked at her with big eyes. What the hell? She knew her sister asked that without any ulterior motive, it was just her way but still… “You know, those classic ones. Halloween and some romcom in the end to lift everyone’s spirits.” 

“Was it worth watching?” Oh for crying out loud! Thankfully the phone starting ringing, Charlotte’s mother picked it up. “Hello, Sylvia Ellington speaking.... Hun, it’s for you, it’s Lisa!” The girl quickly jumped to her feet. “May I take it in my room, please?” Her mother looked at her husband and gave her daughter a quick nod. In her room Charlotte took the phone to sit on her bed. “Lisa?” “Hiya!” “How was your evening with Lou? Did you…?” “Naah, we didn’t. But it was lovely seeing him again, I missed him so much. He’s just so shy sometimes. I mean I love that about him, I just wish he’d take the initiative more often.” “I’m sure he will eventually. It was your third date after all. Take it as a compliment that he ain’t rushing things and wants you both to be ready.” “I hope you’re right. Sooo…? You and Alan? I saw you two leave…?” “Yeah, yeah stop it right there. He took me home like a gentleman.” “BORING! Nah, I’m just kidding.” Charlotte sighed. “You know, I like him but I don’t know anything about him. Is he single or seeing anyone? Perhaps he was just trying to be friendly, taking the opportunity for a nice drink. No more, no less.” “Just ask him out on a date, pretty sure his reaction will tell.” “And what if he’s interested in a casual hook-up only? I don’t wanna make a fool out of myself.” “I’m afraid you won’t know if you don’t try.” “Hmm.. But I know someone who DOES know! Lou! I’m sure he knows what’s going on in Alan’s life, you always told me there were close.” “Yeah but.. I don’t know. It would feel strange asking Lou about Alan for you.” Both girls were silent for a moment. “Wait, I’ve got an idea.” Lisa said excitedly. “I’m meeting Lou in his lunch break at the cafe tomorrow noon. You could accidentally bump into us and join us.” Charlotte giggled. “Sounds perfect. I see you then!”

The next day Lisa opened the door to the small Soul Food Café on Maxwell Street and greeted the waitress with a warm smile. “Hi Mrs. Murphy!” “Hello sugar, nice to see you again.” Lisa sticked her head in the kitchen. “Hey Lou!” He looked up from the dishes and his face lighted up the moment he saw his girl. “Give me a minute, babe. Right with you.” Lisa smiled and chose a table at the window. She ordered Lou’s and her favourite dish and watched him as he left the kitchen. He quickly pulled off his hair net and gave her a kiss before sitting down. “Food’s already on it’s way.” He grabbed her hand and caressed it with his thumb. “I’m so happy to be back after our tour. I love performing with the boys but I felt sorry for leaving you so early in our relationship.” He softly brushed a strain out of her face when he got interrupted by someone banging against the window. Charlotte. She quickly walked inside. “Oh my God what are you two doing here?” “Well for starters, I work here.” “Would you like to join us, Charlie?” “Sure, why not, thanks. How are you two doing?” “Good thanks, we were about to have lunch.” The tall, handsome man said. The girls gave each other a look, without saying a word. Lou’s eyes wandered from one girl to the other and back again. “You two are terrible actors, you know that.” And he started to laugh. “Why are you here, Charlotte?” “I’m sorry, Lou. It’s because of Alan. I had a lovely time with him the other night and was wondering, is he dating anyone recently?” “Hard to tell, really. I mean with us touring in the last couple of months, it was difficult for all of us to meet anyone at all. I know that he used to see a woman named Lari. They also met a few times when we where on tour. Think she owns her own business, forcing her to travel quite a lot through the states.” “Are they… dating? I mean is it anything serious?” “I don’t even know if they still see each other.” “So nothing serious?” Charlotte kept pestering him. Lou sighed. “Listen, Alan’s one of my best mates but you should know that he’s quite popular with the ladies. Even I can see how good looking he is. Every concert he had some other woman showing up for him backstage and I can’t remember the last time he was in a serious commitment.” He could see the disappointment and sadness in Charlotte’s face and felt sorry for her. “But you’ll never know. Perhaps when the right one crosses his way.” “I heard you, Lou. but thanks for the effort to cheer me up.” She quickly got up from her seat “Really sorry for spoiling your little date.” And with that she left the cafe, Lisa running after her. “Charlie wait, please!” She finally had caught up with her. “I’m sorry Lou didn’t tell you what you’ve wanted to hear.” “It doesn’t matter okay? I don’t even know why I got my hopes up in the first place, we had a drink, that’s all.” Lisa looked at her friend with compassion in her eyes, grabbing on of Charlotte’s hands. “I guess, Alan’s been the first one who showed any interest in me for quite some time and it felt nice.” She looked down at her hands, fiddling around. “Honey I’m sure someone will come along eventually.” “Right, and as soon as the meet my dad they’ll keep running away.” “Don’t you think it’s time to move out? Sophia got her own place, too.” “I already told you, I can’t. It’s complicated. I don’t expect you to understand.” She freed herself from Lisa hand and started walking down the street. “Charlotte!” But she started to walk faster until she ran, disappearing in the crowd on the streets. Lisa went back inside the cafe and sat next to Lou, who softly put his arm around his girl. “I’m sorry for what I’ve said, I didn’t think she’d take it so hard.” She gave him a quick snog on his cheek, reassuring him that her friend would be okay, though she couldn’t stop thinking about her and how hurt she was.

Charlotte got home around dinner time and found her mother in the kitchen preparing food. “Mum?” She leaned against the worktop, resting on her elbows. “I’m thinking about moving out.” Her mother dropped the knife and looked at her concerned. “This again? Don’t let your father hear about your ideas.” “What ideas?” The two women were startled and turned their back to face Charlotte’s father, who had gotten back from work. “I still wanna get my own place, dad!” “I thought we’ve talked about this way too often, Charlotte.” “But I’m old enough, I could get a job and pay for the rent of a little room myself.” She watched him pouring a glass of whiskey and taking a sip. “Dad?!” He crashed the glass down onto the table. “This still ins’t open for discussion! As long as I’m paying for your education, you stay where I can keep an eye on you!” He said angry. “No one’s asking you to pay.”,  Charlotte mumbled away and was about to leave the room. “What did you just say?” “Nothing!… Right so perhaps I don’t wanna study law.” “Don’t you forget that your mother and I had to go through a lot of trouble to get you that college place, considering your poor grades.” He walked towards her with big steps, shaking his finger at her. “Well, would have been nice if you had asked me before.” “Do you even listen to what you’re saying?! Have we left our manners at the door once more?” He was furious and discounted his glass from the kitchen table in one motion. Charlotte hated seeing him like this and it was one of those moments when she had to decide whether to retreat, displaying her fear of him or stand her ground, and for the first time ever she decided for the letter. When her father got closer, she could feel her knees began to buckle, she was trembling. Suddenly he grabbed her throat, pushing her head up and forcing her to look at him. “Once in your poor, miserable life you got the chance to do something useful with it. And we’re sticking it up your erse. Show some fuckin gratitude. If it wasn’t for you mother you wouldn’t even be standing here!” He yelled at his daughter wrathful and she felt his spit on her face. She knew what he meant by that. She knew that her father didn’t want her, when her mom, his girlfriend at that time, told him she was pregnant with his kid. “And clean up this mess! Your mother doesn’t have to do everything around here.” He added before he left hold of her and stormed out.

As it got dark Charlotte checked on her parents in the living room, both had fallen asleep in their armchairs. She left the house for a walk, which would hopefully get her mind off her toxic parents. She wasn’t living far away form Chicago city, so eventually she bought herself a beer at some street shop and set down on the pavement between two parked cars, hugging her knees. I will be stuck with them until I’ve finished college. If I finish at all. If he doesn’t care for me why doesn’t he let me go. It wasn’t the first time that night when she thought about just leaving, running away from her family.

And then she heard it. His laugh. His warm and soft giggle. She looked up but couldn’t see no one. There it was again. And then she saw him. He was walking on the other side of the road. A lady at his side, one arm tugged into him. She was absolutely gorgeous, tall, long, straight blond hair, wearing heels, a mini skirt underlining her stunning long legs and as it seemed his jacket hang over her shoulders. They both were laughing and smiling at each other. And Charlotte felt a deep, sharp pain in her heart. She was purely crushed seeing him with another woman. And before she knew it they were out of her sight, disappearing behind some cars.

She laid her head on her arms, squinting her bleary eyes. She wasn’t angry with him. But with herself. Disappointed she had left him into her heart so early, without knowing so less of him. And she felt stupid, like a teenager for getting her hopes up only because she liked him, only because he was nice to her. She felt stupid for believing a man like him could be interested in someone like her, when he could be with an actor or a model, literally anyone.  And a single tear ran down her cheek before she started weeping into her arms, trying to wash away the entire day.

Chapter 1

Chapter 2