#i know i need to stay strong pero ANG HIRAP | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

dimarunongmagdecidee · 4 years

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-----------------wakas---------------

Naalala ko pa yung time na inaayos ko yung blog ko. Sabi ko, hala gusto ko pag nagcollege ako magiging diary ko yung tumblr. So that may il-look back ako pagdating ng araw. Pero guess what? Sabi ng college life sakin "bitch u thot" hahhahaa i never imagined my college life to be this stressful and dreadful. To be honest, di ko alam pinasok ko. Lalo na nag accountancy HAHAHAHHA AS IN NO CLUE AT ALL. Pero anyways I'm writing this post to express my story in summary, sa caption ko kasi I decided to thank the people around me kasi deserve naman nila. Pero dito sa blog ko feel ko deserve ko naman iappreciate sarili ko. HHAAHHAHA.

Gusto ko lang sabihin na adjusting nung first year isn't so easy. Lalo na first time ko sa manila. Tho oo I'm a city girl, di ako galing sa province. Pero kasi di ako street smart so everyday ng byahe ko before pamanila i was very anxious na baka maligaw ako or may masamang loob sa sinasakyan ako or baka kung ano mangyare sakin along the way. Pero yung determination ko na gusto ko to. Dream school ko ust. Kakayanin ko. Kasi honestly di nila support na mag UST ako, aside from we're facing financial problems back then di rin nila ko kaya asikasuhin that time so I have to do all things by myself. Grabe ngayon, I'm super proud to that 16 year old wren. Nakakaiyak. Totoo ngang u need to get out of your comfort zone. Kelangan mong mag stand up kung gusto mo talagang mangyari pangarap mo.

Those 5 years were very rough. Ang daming times na muntik nako magstop. Ang daming problema. Mostly family and money. Yep, wala naman ako problema sa acads maybe that's why ang taas ng expectations nila sakin na ako daw hope ng family. Not gonna lie, sobrang pressure non. Parang wala ako karapatan mapagod. Pero you gotta make you weaknesses you strengths. At I wanna thank God for giving me a stubborn and tough mentality kahit anong dumaang problema sakin. Oo, nalulungkot pero lalaban parin.

I think it was my 2nd year nung naka adopt nako kahit papaano and I enjoyed my college life. Seryoso kasi parang wala akong buhay non nung 1st year. UST-Bahay-UST-Bahay lang talaga ako. No social life at all. Di ko alam siguro dahil time if of essence sakin dahil 4 years ba naman akong commute life. And mostly average of 5 hrs a day byahe ko (back and forth na syempre) pero ayun kinaya naman. GRABE UR A TOUGH GHORL. Pero don't get me wrong di nmaan ako puro aral pag uwi hahahaha nagppaahinga lang ako mostly sa bahay since nakakadrain talaga. I don't know sanay naman ako sa very focused sa acads na school since galing naman akong science high pero iba parin yung patayan dito sa AMV eh. Anyways, second year I started going out with blockies. Going to debuts, staying overnights, and inom na rin syempre :p di naman ako nagpabaya more like enjoying new things syempre uwi parin ako Alabang kaya kelangan may control HAHHAHAHA.

Third year, we shuffled sections because our program have to filter the students kung sino ang BSA at sino ang BSMA and luckily I am still accepted sa BSA iniyakan ko din retention exams kasi I was supposed to be exempted and matic BSA na pero bumaba GWA ko so :-( hahahahha anyways ayun nashuffle and I was super scaree that time kasi ibang mga tao nanaman. As you all know, super mahiyain ako sa mga new people unless sila un amag approach. So ayun another adjusting, another barkada. Solid din naman sila but things happened inside the circle kaya nawala din :( GRABE I CAN STILL REMEMBER THE CONFLICTS FRESH PARIN SA UTAK KO. Tho good terms naman proud ako gagraduate na kami, di lahat pero at least we survived.

Fourth year, I decided to join an org mostly because dun ko nalang makakasama mga OG tropa ko eince BSMA sila lahat at ako lang naiwan sa BSA so nag org ako and naging officer para magkakasama aprin kami kahit papaano. I was the Auditor of our college' local COMELEC. DI KO RIN SURE ANO PINASOK KO THAT TIME. Pero I end up loving the family and the responsibility. Oo, dagdag stress like LEGIT DAGDAG STRESS. Pero iba naman yung balik ng saya whenever you accomplish things and you serve the students lalo na't vital sa bansa natin ngayon yang COMELEC politics stuff. Grabe the joy of looking back sa things na dati akala mo wala lang. Ngayon narerealize mo yung impact niya sa life mo. Kung pano ka nagbago at naggrow. I am amazed self huhu PROUD AKO TALAGA SAYO SERYOSO. SORRY NA. Then ayun di ko pa ba nasabi 5 year course ako. So yung mga tropa kong MA, graduating na by this time. 4th year was when I became a social person kasi syemrpe joining an org tas officer ka pa dami makakasalamuha at makikilala. So ayun, diba nga nawala tropa ko from 3rd year that time, I can still remember how I always go to the classroom ng mga friends kong BSMA every break or every walang klase or kapag sila naman yung may klase nakatambay lang ako sa org room para matulog or magwait or magpalipas oras. Ghad those times I really felt alone, aside sa naiisip kong ggraduate na sila lahat tas ako maiiwan, nasasad ako kasi feel ko wala na talagang constant sa life ko lahat nawawala. Tapos dagdag mo pa na nung 2nd sem nalipat nanaman ako ng section shuta. Buti nalang. Buti nalang talaga super kind din ng mga tao sa napuntahan kong section. And I found my "Betsy" there. Oh diba sino bang mag aakala. Hahahahhaha anyways 4th year ako nagstart makistay sa condo ng friend ko since super hectic ng sched and di na talaga kaya ng uwian dahil yung sched ko panggabi tas may org duties pa. I stayed sa condo ng friend ko pero andon naman mom niya so may nag aasikaso samin. Grabe tita Beth super love ko siya. Sometimes I just stare at her and realize na at least may mother figure pa ako na kasama. If u dont know kasi (or if anyone is even reading up to this point) my mom left our family before ako nagcollege. Siguro gets niyo na why we had so many problems by now hahahahhaa. Anyways goods naman kami ni mommy siya parin tumulong sakin para makapagtapos hehe. Super thankful parin ako sa kanya syempre and ofc i love her still. Anyways ayon nga i felt another family kapag andon ako sa condo na yon which makes me warm and easy kapag andon ako. Super swerte ko talaga sa mga tao sa life ko. Bakit ganon? Super bait mo po G 🥺 shet naalala ko 4th year if thesis season pala. I can still remember the stress. Imagine may thesis ka, officer ka ng org, tapos sabay sabay pa lahat ng major exams grabe yun ata yung first time ko mag breakdown ng dahil sa acads. Seryoso, thats the nearest I was to breaking. Super hirap talaga for me lalo na di ata naiintindihan ng groupmates ko sa thesis na di ko makakayang 100% attentions ko sa thesis because I have other responsibilities. May nasira pang friendship seryoso. I never thought aabot sa point na ganon pero ewan baka ako rin yung mali don. I'm sorry guys!!! Pero congrats satin!! Proud ako sa inyooooo!!!

Fast forward, last year of my college life is IAC sem. Meaning parang rerun ng topic or review nalang for board exam. This time nagpaalam nako magdorm kasi shet last na to if I fail this one sayang naman yung mga taon. Kasi a lot of alumni told na kung madugo na undergrad, mas madugo IAC so I was determined to do better. And thankfully naman pinayagan nako magdorm since nakaluwag naman na and last na. I was so happy that time na magddorm ako shet finally. I wanted to feel independent or learn at least. Pero mostly dahil makakapagwalwal nako ng wlaang nakakaalam HAHHAHAHA char ofc part yun pero that's not the focus. Ayon, nung nagdorm ako I had the MOST SOLID FAM. Since nga diba wala nanaman ako tropa na makakasmaa kasi graduate na ofc so another adjustment nanaman sa life jusko every year nalang talaga. I dont know if sinasabi ko lang to because I am in the present and sila kasama ko now or its just i really feel the genuine love of this squad huhu. Or maybe dahil sila talaga yung nakasama ko through the darkest days sa AMV magkakasama kaming ginago ng sistema, ng admin, ng mundo and sabay sabay din kaming ggraduate ngayon. GRABEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE TANGINAAAA NAKAKAIYAK NAKAKAPROUD. LAHAT NG INUMAN, IYAKAN, PUYAT LAHAT YON MA LAHAT YON NAGPAY OFF. LAHAT YUN MAY REASON. LAHAT YUN DINALA TAYO DITO. Ang daming beses na nagdoubt kami if we could pero look at all of us now huhu lahat kami kinaya. As long as u got each others' backs talaga. Don't let anyone break.

Ayun to sum it up, narealize ko lang na I really value friendship a lot. Feel ko talaga they keep me going. They keep me sane. Super dali ko maimpluwensyahan pag kasmaa sila. They are both my joy and hope kapag stressedt huhu. Thank u self for choosing this path. Thank u for being strong. Thank you for believeing you can. Thank u kasi matigas ulo mo wala ka pake at nag aral ka lang AHAHAHAHA. NO MATTER WHAT LIFE THROWS AT YOU, LOOK AT THIS FEAT AND REMEMBER HOW STRONG U ARE OKI? I LOVE U WREN WREN CONGRATS TO YOUR ACHIEVEMENT!!! Can't wait to finally walk to that QPAV stage with my gradpic on the LCD and getting my diploma 😭😢

ALL THOSE 5 YEARS WAS LIKE A BLUR RIGHT NOW PERO I KNOW THE JOURNEY WASN'T EASY, IT NEVER IS. I HAD MY MOMENTS. PERO SALAMAT SA PAG OVERCOME LAGI. BE HAPPY WREN WREN. YOU DESERVE.

#life #for me #keeps #AAHHHHHH #lezzgoooo huhu

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yawningpolarbear · 5 years

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Long story for my future kid but a long post to Tumblr for now

May nagtanong sakin “Grabe ren! Bakit ikaw pa kasi yung nag eeffort?” Natigilan ako. Ewan. Siguro sa way ng pagkakasabi na para bang maling mali yung ginawa ko. Mali ba ako to exert effort for someone I like? A lot of people say and I would often agree that my strong demeanor and intimidating aura is just a facade. Sobrang hirap ko iapproach lalo na in person kasi feeling ng tao masyado akong mataray. And it’s true. I don’t talk much to people that I barely know. I only have a few friends and I’m not very outgoing. Pero sa totoo lang, madali lang naman ako makasama lalo na kung in sync yung vibes natin. You’re not a dear person to me if di mo naranasan masungitan ko. And if super close na tayo, I’ll always make you laugh. I always joke, tho most of the time corny lol.

So bakit nga ba ako nag eeffort? Well, I guess it all boils down to this. When I like someone, I’m not afraid to show it. So I replied “I’m really interested to get to know him more so I’ll always make time. But if he doesn’t feel the same way, I don’t push it. I would hate wasting both of our times.” Pero masakit yun diba? Lalo na kung naattach ka na talaga. How do you really cut ties with someone who is already dear to you? To someone you already opened your heart to. Ang sagot dyan ‘putangina syempre masakit haha. Kahit gaano ko pa isipin na okay lang, that I’ll find someone else as long as I have me. Masakit pa rin lalo na kung naattach ka na.’ Mapapa asdfghjkl ka sa sakit. If that’s even a thing. Kasi you’ll never find the right words to describe the pain. Kung gaano mo inopen yung sarili mo sa isang tao, ganun din kasakit yung dating nung pain. Minsan mas mahigit pa.

How do we move on? Pano ba mawawala yung sakit? ‘Ewan. Siguro you just let yourself feel things. Sabihin mo na lahat para wala kang pagsisihan. Iiyak mo lang kung naiiyak. At some point, mapapagod ka rin.’ Hindi ba ganun naman yung usual na payo. Totoo naman. Wag mo itago. Hayaan mong maramdaman mo yung sakit. Kapalit yan ng saya na naramdaman mo kasama sya.

Pero kung gusto mo, dapat ipaglaban mo diba? Bat ka susuko agad kung di ka gusto? ‘The mere fact that I put myself out there. I opened up and showed him my vulnerable side. Isn’t that effort enough? Dapat ba durugin ko na yung sarili ko sa harap nya para lang magustuhan nya ko. The best love for me is not ‘not giving up on someone’ but rather ‘not giving up on yourself’. Di mo sya magagawang mahalin ng buo kung ikaw mismo hindi buo. Isa pa, iba’t ibang klase tayo ng pagpapakita ng love. Maybe the kind of love that I can give is not the one that he wants or needs. Darating din yung para satin.’ Asdfghjkl ang daling sabihin noh. Pero sa totoo lang, kahit anong payo mo sa sarili mo. Kung di ka pa ready, di ka pa ready. The healing process takes time. May iba saglit lang. Yung iba, sobrang tagal. Pero never ka makakausad kung di mo tutulungan yung sarili mo.

Oo masakit talaga. Para kang umabot sa mataas na level sa favorite game mo. Tas na uninstall mo yung app, so start over ka ulit. Minsan yung iba uulitin yung laro, yung iba naman hahanap nalang ng ibang games na lalaruin. Tatawanan at dadamayan ka ng mga friends mo. Sasabihin nila ‘I told you so’ or ‘Ang tanga mo kasi, sayang lang effort mo’. But was it really? Sayang ba talaga? Pouring your heart out over someone and getting nothing in return? Never ako nasayangan sa lahat. If I can do it all over again, I would do it. Maybe a different kind of approach. Pero uulitin ko pa rin, if that’s what it takes to be with that person. ‘Cause for once in your life, that person made you happy and made you feel more alive.

I remembered back in high school. I rejected boys who courted me ‘cos I was too focused on my acads and making my parents proud. And kpop already made me happy. But in 4th year high school, napatabi ako sa classmate kong super quiet, di nakikipag usap gaano sa girls and laro lang ang hilig. So mejo madaldal ako na katabi and bothered ako palagi dahil di sya nag aayos sa klase. Lagi ko sya pinapagalitan. I forced him to do schoolworks. Sometimes I can be very bossy. Until one day, we started going to the canteen together. Talk about lots of stuff. I even got into clash of clans because of him. Yun yung usong laro that time. Then we started talking online. That’s when I realized I was starting to like the guy. He was my prom date. He made me smile a lot of times. But we had to go our separate ways when we graduated. I studied in Manila and he stayed in town. We were too young back then. Marami pang pwedeng mangyari saming dalawa. I guess I liked him but not enough to commit. I wanted to focus on my acads. But heck, I still cried. Up until now, we’re not on talking terms. I wanted us to end in good terms pero minsan hindi mo mapipilit yun. Puppy love. That’s what I’ll call it

So in college, I focused on studying or so I say. Hahaha I stayed in a dorm near my school. 8am-6pm class everyday. Grabeng 1st term sched yan. With breaks in between naman, so I can steal a quick nap sa dorm. Minsan nagigising at nakakapasok sa noon class, minsan hindi so gigising nalang para mag dinner haha. I joined pep. So may 6-9pm training everyday. Imagine 8am class until 6pm tas training hanggang 9pm. Sobrang pagod. Then I met someone. He was my senior. Became friends and all that. Then I developed a small crush. Hanggang sa narecruit nya ako sa squad nila. LoL lang nilalaro ko dati with my high school friends. Sobrang butaw pa hahaha. Pero inaya ako ni crush mag dota2 eh, turuan nya daw ako. So sakin, ok lang naman hahaha. Minsan natatanga talaga ako kapag crush. So after training, deretso computer shop para maglaro hanggang 4 or 5am. Grabe until now, di ko alam pano ko nasurvive yun hahaha. The best thing about it all is after maglaro, nap lang saglit minsan wala pa. Pero nakakapasok pa rin ako sa morning class ko. Hayup! Life hack. The only decent sleep I get is my 3hr lunch break (if you can even call it decent). Tas noon class, training, tas laro ulit with crush and newfound friends. I was giddy. Minsan hinahatid pa nila ako sa dorm after laro. Bat ko ba nagustuhan yun? Di ko na rin maalala. I admired him kung paano sya magmahal and loyal dun sa ex nya. Mejo tanga ren haha. Or maybe I was craving for the kind of affection he can give. Napaisip pa ako sana ako nalang nagustuhan nya. Juice ko po. I was 17 and naive. Grabe mga efforts ko para sakanya. Tulog yun. Tulog yung nawala sakin grabe. For someone who loves to sleep and can sleep anywhere (which is highly dangerous dahil ilang beses ka ng lumagpas sa destinasyon mo kakatulog sa PUVs ren), I sure did miss a lot of sleep because of him. Bat naman hindi? Kung gusto mo makasama crush mo diba? Minsan kung hindi naglalaro gabi gabi. Magkatext kami and as a good friend and listener. Papakinggan ko yung mga rants nya sa babaeng gusto nya. I’ll always reply with ‘okay lang yan kuya’. Hahahaha may lahi talaga akong tanga grabe. Pero ang mahalaga, nakamove past ako dun sa stage na yun. From a crush/potential someone, he became a kuya nalang talaga. Maybe it was just Infatuation. That’s what I’ll call it.

That happened because I met someone again. And that one is my ex. He was part of the squad. Sya yung carry namin. Tanginang plot twist yan. Sumali ka sa squad nung crush mo para mapalapit sakanya only to end up with his friend. Grabeng buhay to. Dami surprises hahaha. I was the only girl in the team. Mababait naman sila and I felt secure and comfortable with them. Hinahatid pa nila ako after game kahit madaling araw na at papalabas naman na yung araw. So pano nangyari? Hindi naman kagwapuhan. Actually lahat ng nagustuhan ko, hindi naman pogi to the point na mapapalingon ka. Siguro may itsura ganun haha. Basta importante mabango at malinis tignan at malinis talaga. And has good heart and personality. Not really the one who go for the looks. So from a kuya to a potential lover. How did it happen? Dahil lang sa langyang screwdriver. Di kami gaano nag uusap nun kahit sa personal. Small talk lang ganun. Papawards ganun. Haha charot. So ayun, one day nagchat sya naghahanap ng screwdriver. Lahat pala ng taga taft tinanong nya. So I simply replied with ‘sorry kuya, wala po’. Wow ang galang diba haha. From that small convo, napunta sa di ko na alam haha. I remembered he had a hard time passing his business mathematics subject which was really true. Mejo shunga sya sa math. Scratch that, sobra pala. And aminado naman sya. So I offered to tutor/teach him. Not bragging, but I’m good at math. I won awards back in elem and hs lol. Sobrang nerd ko dati fota. Then one day nagkaaminan kami. From friends we turned into something more. I’m really a very private person. Gusto ko pati sa relationship, private. So we kept things to ourselves. Kasi masyado malaki yung social circle namin given that we belong to the same college org. Less people know, less issue diba? So naging mag SO kami. So I said ‘hala oo, secret on tayo’. Tinawanan nya ako wow. It’s a foreign word for a gh kid pala. Tangina ganun yung term samin nung high school eh. Secret on. So what he meant was ‘significant other’. And there it was, we became each other’s SOs. What did I like about him? He’s certainly not my type. Matangkad lang sya ng onti sakin. Ok fine may biceps. Pero siguro, his greatest asset was his mind. His perspective in life and how he taught me a lot of things. I was 17 and he was 20. He was matured, that’s one. And he taught me how to be mature without spoiling my youth, that’s another. He owned almost 3 years of my life. And I have no regrets. Sobrang dami kong nirisk to be with him. My parents didn’t want me to engage in any romantic relationship while I was still studying. But I defied and kept us a secret. Eventually naging legal sa close college friends namin because I fucking confessed when I was drunk. Oh how I would love to zip this mouth when I drink. *facepalm* First gift I received from him was a very cute courier sa dota 2 hehe. I’m very forgetful so my very first gift? Di ko na maalala hehe. I cleaned his condo. Gave him cake with a little corny joke on the side. Steam wallet codes. I remembered gifting Overwatch for his bday. Electric cooker because he loves to cook. And yes, I moved at the condo in front of his building. When I lost my phone at bts concert, nakikitext ako sa pinsan ko. Grabeng effort yan. Haha lintek. He made sure I feel loved too. But like all things, our relationship has come to an end. Do I have regrets? Wala. We had a beautiful one. And I’ll always treasure it. We were never official yknow. No label. What we had was commitment. Now ask me again, do I have regrets? Maybe meron. The fact that I wasn’t able to introduce him to my parents. But that experience taught me a lot. I became more open to my parents. We officially ended weeks before graduation and while my parents were happy for me on that special day. I was faking a smile and crying inside. That was the last time I saw him. He’s happy with someone now. And I am happy too. Akala ko di ako makakausad pero I did. You just never forget your first but you don’t go back haha. First love. That’s what I’ll call it.

Sobrang broken ko nun akala ko di na ako makakausad. I fucking failed my first civil service exam. March 17. I remember taking it at Marikina High School. Di ko alam pano pumunta dun. At di ko alam pano ako nakarating. I was like a walking zombie. I took the exam lightly and slept. Like who does that on an official government exam? The results came out and I saw the disappointment in my parents’ eyes. Their so-called honor student and daughter failed. Dun ko narealize kung gaano ko tinatapon yung buhay ko para lang sa isang tao. I cried again not for him but for myself. Then I swore to myself that was the last time. So I used this app, bumble. Not to spite my ex but to help myself. I wanted to talk to someone. I remembered una kong bungad ‘pano ba maka move on?’ Hahaha and while I get some funny answers, I was able to get decent ones. May naging friends ako. Like friends talaga, no romance involved. I open it from time to time. When I feel bored or want kausap. I went on a date once. But we never really clicked. Because I believe he was more into the physical stuff and I wasn’t up for it. Then I talked with a lot of people some more. Pero wala talagang constant. Like after the hi’s and hello’s. No one sparked my interest. Maliban of course dun sa mga naging friends ko na nakakausap ko from time to time. I flirted with some only thru chats. But I eventually grew tired of it. Realized I wasn’t up for it and I’d rather be by myself. Sayang sa oras eh. Distraction. That’s what I’ll call it.

Until I met someone again. Hay nako ren hahaha. Met him on this app. At first, it was a small talk. Like all the others. Bored ako eh. And it felt harmless at that time. But we just never run out of topic and I don’t feel bored when I talk to him. In fact, hinahanap ko na sya. Which is bad I know. I laughed at his silliness and admired his wit and determination. Connection. That’s what we had. Or maybe for me. We went on dates. And it was good. But that harmless became not so harmless anymore when I felt something stir within me. Narealize ko na it’s another heartbreak waiting to happen if I continue with it. And I don’t wanna risk getting myself hurt again after I fixed myself. Hindi nakakaganda yung puro iyak. If I’m gonna risk something for someone, I want to know if he’s willing to risk for me too. Mahirap pag puro puso lang. But he chose to walk away. And that’s sign enough. Kung mas pinatagal ko pa yun, siguro baka mas lalo akong nahulog to the point na hindi na ako makakaalis pa. Di ko rin alam pano ko sya nagustuhan. It all sank in when I realized I’m always making time for him. Turned down dates with others and would rather spend time with him. Travelled a long way to go to him. My friend thinks it’s too much. Even I think it’s silly. Pero ganun naman talaga. We do crazy things for the people we like. I knew it was love when he helped me bring out the best in me. For once, I was inspired again. I took the civil service exam for the second time and I passed it. August 4. I took it somewhere in QC. Ganun pala when you’re happy, you bring out happy results too. But I wasn’t enough for him. And maybe he wasn’t enough for me to take the risk alone. Para kaming parallel lines. Never magtatagpo so useless pa na pilitin. Do I have regrets? Siguro. If I can do it all over again, I would do things differently. Then if di talaga, baka hindi talaga para sakin. Napakabullshit lang talaga nung ‘bat ka masasaktan kung never naman naging kayo’ hahahaha. It’s almost 2020. Let people feel things. Nasasaktan ka kasi nagbigay ka. That’s the way of life. Kaya ang sarap nalang talaga minsan maging halaman. Pero that’s the beauty of love and life. Hindi pwede puro saya lang. Hindi rin pwede puro lungkot lang. Hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa rin alam what to call what happened with us. Siguro I, for I don’t know lol hahahahaha tangina ako lang natatawa sa inside joke ko. We decided to remain friends but we both know that’s pure shit. We don’t talk anymore. And sometimes it’s better to stay that way. Minsan mapapatanong ka nalang bakit ka makakatagpo ng taong di naman para sayo. Siguro in time mahahanap mo yung sagot. Or may taong magbibigay sayo ng sagot. Hangga’t di ko alam yung sagot kung bakit nag end or bat hindi kami. I’d rather not settle for the what ifs. Masasaktan ka lang kung lagi mo tatanungin yung sarili mo ng what if haha. Strange love. That’s what I’ll call it.

Sa ngayon, I’m happy by myself. At least I’m trying to be. Happiness is a choice. Always strive for it. See the good in things. And if you found your person, you do something with it. If you really want someone in your life, you put effort. And if he/she doesn’t match your efforts, maybe it’s their answer to your feelings. Every heartbreak I’ve experienced just taught me to be stronger than before. Strong enough to pursue what I really like and who I really love but also strong enough to let go if it’s really not for me. In the future, I’ll tell my kids my heartbreak stories but for now this stays in tumblr. When I find their father, maybe in a diner, in another table at a coffee shop, sitting beside me in the train, while he’s dog walking in the park or even at the bar. Heck, I don’t know. All I know is when I find him, I’ll know he’s the one. And by that time, I’ll know what it is. Bliss. That’s what I’ll call it.

All these efforts that I can give, I’m putting it all to myself for now. I will never stop loving myself. So even if others won’t, I’ll always have me. Kahit gaano ka pa nasaktan, never stop believing in love. Let it counter hate. Di ko alam kung anong future ang nag aantay sakin. But I’m sure I can do something about it. Kasi tayo naman gumagawa ng destiny natin. Don’t just wish. Do it. But don’t push things too hard. You might break it. Let’s leave it to the natural course of the universe. Kung ano yung para sayo, para sayo. Faith. That’s what I’ll call it.

- ren

#tagalog #readables #meandmysides #personal #thoughts #spilled thoughts #spilled heart #spilled ink #spilled truth #love #heartbreak #goodbye #quotes #ren talks #kalat ni ren #stories to tell my children

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halfthebattle · 6 years

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Why I was gone for 3 months

Hello!

First of all, Happy New Year!! Allow me to begin this blog post by welcoming my new readers. Here’s a hug for all of youuuu. >:D< I am in shock that I still gain followers despite being inactive for the last couple of months. Nevertheless, I am deeply grateful and appreciative for the messages I’ve been receiving from both of my old and new readers. Thank you all so much for the concern. I know my last post was very alarming. It was wrong of me to leave you guys hanging without any explanation. But here I am. I hope you are ready for another life update from me and I also hope that you forgive me for not replying. I promise that I’ll reply, please just give me some more time. I rarely open my Tumblr app, and if I do, I just want to stay quiet for a while.

You see, I just couldn’t bring myself to blog for the last three to four months even though I really wanted to. I guess I was waiting for all the frustrations, anger, and pain to subside a little bit before I could share what happened. When I first started my Tumblog, I wanted it to be platform for my mental condition – you know, how I break down occasionally, how I have depressive and manic episodes so that others will be aware of the life that people who are mentally ill are experiencing. I didn’t want to share too much about anything from my personal life – family life and love life (haha!). But right now, I feel like I need to share some so that you would know why I was gone for months.

I was busy healing, and I am still busy healing now. I just got out of an almost 5-year relationship with my first love last October 27, 2018. I want to share the reason why we broke up, but I don’t want my first ever blog post about him to be so negative so that you guys won’t have an ugly or bad impression on him. For him, the reason of the break-up is “just a big misunderstanding”, but to me, it was so much more than that. After a week or two, I still fought for the relationship, but I guess he just saw how stubborn and hard-headed I was for begging him to talk things out with me. I admit that this is not the first break-up that the two of us had, but damn, if I knew it would be this serious and difficult this time, I would’ve prevented the small break-ups from the past. Kasi sa totoo lang, sisiw lang pala ‘yung mga ‘yun. I think I was so foolish before to say, “Pagod na ako. Ayoko na.” kasi kung tutuusin, looking back ha, mas kaya ko pa pala ‘yung mga ‘yun kaysa sa ngayon. Noon na sinabi kong pagod na ‘ko, na hindi ko na kaya, parang gusto kong i-take back lahat, kasi walang wala pala ‘yung mga ‘yun kumpara sa ngayon. Gusto kong ibalik yung oras para sabihin na, “Hindi, kaya ko pa. Kaya pa natin ‘to eh. Tara, ayusin natin ‘to. Pagsubok lang ‘to.” Pero ayun, tama nga ang sabi nila, nasa huli ang pagsisisi.

I couldn’t say that I have no one to blame but me, because in my perspective, he was the one who made the wrong choice or wrong move that led us to the break-up – I was only one of the factors that influenced his choice. I guess it’s safe to say that we both screwed and messed up so bad that we were left with no other choice but to end the relationship. We were already toxic to each other, and we weren’t growing anymore. Maybe, right now, we need some time and space away from each other so that we would be able to find ourselves and be whole again. We need to heal. We need to grow apart so that if ever there will come a time when we’ll get back with each other, we’ve already become matured enough for a serious, committed, loving and responsible relationship.

It took us a lot of twists and turns and hurtful failures to make me realize that I’m still not ready to be in a relationship because I, alone, don’t even know how to love myself. But what bothers me about it is that, even before we became a couple, I already warned him that I am not whole, that I am broken, that I do not like myself and when we were already a couple, he told me that he’d love me enough for the both of us, and that love is still aside from the love he alone has for me. Kumbaga, siya ang magpupunan ng kulang na pagmamahal ko para sa sarili ko at dagdag pa roon yung pagmamahal na mayroon siya para sa akin. We were both young and I believed him back then. But it was wrong. I shouldn’t have relied on to his words. I shouldn’t have relied on to him for a love that I cannot give myself. I shouldn’t have ‘obligated’ him or ‘made him responsible’ for the love that I owe to myself.

Another thing that hurts me is that after the break-up, I felt like I was hard to love, na walang tatagal na relationship sa akin kasi mentally ill ako. It pains me to see myself as someone who’s hard to be with that the thought of it made me want to ready myself for growing old alone. You know, tatandang dalaga. Haha.

After the break-up, I did all sorts of things to distract myself and while I know that blogging must be one of those things, I felt like it would only make me remember about what happened. Don’t get me wrong – I want to write about him because it helps but being finally able to write about him in a long post like this gives me all sorts of emotion that I didn’t want to add up to what I’ve already been feeling.

Last November 03, 2018, it was his first birthday in years that I didn’t get to celebrate with him. I wanted to surprise him, because I’m that type of girl – full of ideas and surprises, but I grew weak already. I thought, “What for?”. That’s why I only wrote him a letter instead. A long one. A twelve-page letter to be specific. I poured my heart out to it, but I feel like there’s so much more to tell him.

We still see each other at church and there was this one time before the year ended that his family invited me over dinner because his mom went home from Saudi. I joined them for dinner, but we were not talking to each other the whole time. His family felt like my second home, but damn, that night, my heart was breaking. Napamahal na ako sa pamilya niya at tinuring ko ng mga kapatid ko mga kapatid niya kaya ang hirap.

This year’s New Year celebration was also the first time in years that we are not together anymore. I can still remember that we’d always send each other long and sweet messages during New Year, but while waiting for 2019, I told myself that I won’t greet him anymore because it’s better off to not include him in the year I’m about to face. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, “Ako naman.” But on 12:26 A.M. of January 01, he texted me, “Happy New Year po..”, to which I replied 20 minutes after, “Happy New Year din po.” He responded, “Salamat po.” And that was it.

Like I said, we still see each other at church every week so I got used already to the pain of seeing him from time to time. I can still remember that there were times when I felt nothing but anger, and there were times when I completely felt nothing. As in zero nothing. I became numb.

But right now, I can honestly say that I am proud that I overcame those moments. Knowing myself, I am not strong when it comes to the both of us. He’s like my strength and weakness combined into one. If I were Superman, he’d be my kryptonite. We would always see each other every day no matter how busy we were, and we’d go to church for our devotional prayer every night. During fights, I couldn’t heighten my pride for him, and I couldn’t stand not talking to him and bugging him because I loved him so dearly, so much. That’s why the pain is that strong on me, because the love I have for him is that immense. I can honestly say that this is the longest break-up I’ve survived. It was not easy. It is never easy. Pero kinakaya ko naman. At kakayanin ko pa.

Aside from the break-up, I’ve been busy with school work. This is my last semester in college and I’m hoping to graduate this March. I have a lot on my plate because we have our Strategic Financial Plan which is basically our thesis. Hindi siya ganun kadali kasi real company ang involved dito at gagawan namin sila ng 5-year financial plan based sa mga inputs na binigay nila sa amin, mainly their financial statements from 2013 to 2017.

Busy rin ako kakagala. Share ko lang: After the break-up, saka lang ako natuto mag-inom o ‘maglasing’. Oo, late bloomer na ako, pero nadiscover ko na hindi pala ako ‘yung tipo na kapag nalasing eh umiiyak. Ako yung tipo na lasing na matapang, yung walang nararamdaman, pero ako rin yung tipo na nag-eEnglish o nagiging conyo. Hahaha! Ayun, maraming ganap nung naghiwalay kami. In-enjoy ko sarili ko. I’ve also been busy taking care of myself because I believe that I owe me an apology. May mga times na sobrang sinisisi ko pa rin talaga sarili ko more than I blame my ex (it took me weeks or even a month before masanay na tawagin na siyang “ex” because I was like, “OMG, for real na ba ‘to?!” Haha). I’ve been doing all that I can so that I wouldn’t self-harm or fall into a bottomless pit of despair.

Hindi ko ma-enumerate lahat ng pinagdaanan ko. Ang alam ko lang, I’m still busy healing.

Ikaw? Kumusta ka na? Tara, kwentuhan tayo. 😊

#deardiary #personal #life #life update #depressed #depression #mental health #mental disorder #mentally ill #school #college #lovelife #haha

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ivandancel-blog · 6 years

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University of Santo Tomas Senior High School Music, Arts & Design Strand Pioneer- Grade 12 Graduate

Dancel, James Ivan Baluyut Music, Arts & Design-2 2016093273 #11

15 June 2018. Today marks the end of my shs chapter but also the start of another chapter, my college chapter. Today was so full of memories, realizations and feels. I felt happy but I also felt sad at the same time because this is it!! the chapter wherein I finally say goodbye to all the memories I had with my friends, classmates and profs and to say goodbye to all the people who I used to see, meet, bond, fight, and laugh with, my classmates. My block had a rough start but I’m happy that we ended very close to each other, very open to each other and very loving to each other. I must say, My block wasn’t really that kind of ‘ideal’ but my block is worth it, worth more than anything because after all the challenges we had together, we remained united, and strong together.

Senior High School is hell of a roller coaster ride. There are times that happy happy lang kami but there are also times din na sobrang hirap igapang ng lahat, requirements, schedules, quizzes, petas and everything but still, We managed to survive because we chose to believe na we can kaya we really did survive! After all, We get to choose what will happen to our lives kaya let’s always choose the best option so that we can turn out din as our best version. To be honest, there are times that I really doubted myself, I doubted myself that I can finish and survive senior high school because there were times where in problems combined all in all like life & acads probs, then there came my anxiety attacks too, then eventually I also had depression. I must and should say, It’s really hard for me before… but then there are friends who told me that I am stronger than what I think or what I feel. It took me so long to realize what’s the real meaning of that advice but eventually I realized that my friends are correct. As long as I stay positive or optimistic and as long as I choose to be happy, I can overcome anything negative or I can overcome my problems in life.

I’m really thankful for the friendships that I gained and for the family that I have discovered and obtained because of this Senior High School. Thank you to my blockmates for making my Shs life extra & memorable, for being my partners in crime whenever some professors are not around, for tolerating all “kalokohans” and everything. Thank you to my squad families, BAROBA & EMOJI 7 for the continuous support and unending love and care.

For BAROBA, Thank you so much to you Bern Palacio for the unending support, care and love that you have given me despite my trashy attitude sometimes. Thank you so much to you Rian Lagdameo for being so charitable for sharing all your foods and resources whenever I want or need some. Thank you to you Steffany Catubig for all the laughters and harsh moments together. Thank you to you Terrence Santiago for all the warm hugs & spontaneous shopping sprees. Last but not the least, Thank you to you Esmeralda Bautista for giving me so much joy, advices and guidance. For always pushing me to try harder with everything I do. Thank you for all the memories and the roller coaster ride journey that we had together.

For EMOJI 7, Thank you so much to you Allison De Guzman for being so sweet and very straight forward. Thank you so much to you Abigail Esguerra for all the jammings & sweet talks! Thank you so much to you Maron Pillejera for all the wara wara jk! for all the kainans with you! Thank you so much to you Saira Dequito for all the balasa, baraha and pusoy memories! Thank you so much to you Kris Diaz for all the spontaneous dinners, for all the laughters and for giving me so much joy everytime I feel down. Thank you for all the hugs and for all the fights together! I’ll definitely miss your kabingihan and kabaliwan and ka free-loader-han. Thank you to you Pamela Dauba for all the cheating sessions Jkkk! For all the laughters, secrets, and memories we’ve shared together. You’re indeed one of the best seatmates I’ve ever had!!! Thank you for being so true always and for always being so maldita & you’re welcome sa pagpapabuhat lagi sa ROS or Rules of Survival and you’re welcome sa pagubos ng LTE ko lagi. Lastly, Thank you to you Karl Santiana for being my all around buddy, my financier, my eating buddy, my sundo, my study buddy and all the spontaneous adventures that we had togehter!! Thank you for all the wonderful memories that we had and I’ll definitely miss you!!! Tbh, I can’t still imagine my college life without a Karl Santiana huhU, jeep buddy :-( Maceda or Avida buddy. I love you all so much Emoji 7!!!

also to my og friends,

Thanks so much Shaznae Litan, for being strong with me since day 1!! Thank you for literally everything like lahat lahat, lammonayan lahat. Sometimes, I see myself in you kasi napaka attitude mo and yun parang ako lang pero ang funny kasi lagi tayo nagaaway like nagsasabihan ng harsh messages pero at the end of all of it, we find each other laughing lagi sa lahat. Thank you for being on of the most trustworthy friends din na meron ako. Thanks so much Aly Gaffud for being one of my og friends sa ust. Thank you because you stayed despite my changing moods and all my rants. Thank you for all the laughters, lamunans and syempre ang nomi nights. Thanks so much Athena Garcia for being one of my og friends din sa ust. Thank you for all the laughters, ka-sabaw-an moments with you and for all the compliments that I get from you even though I find them unbelievable at times. You’re one of the most genuine person I’ve ever known and also one of the most down to earth. Thanks so much Caila Gonzales for all the laughters, stories and secrets that we’ve shared together. I’ll surely miss your laughs and all your jokes. Thanks for always believing in me aswell. I love you four so much!

to my brother x bestfriend,

Thank you so so so so so much to you Lawrence Competente for almost everything. Thank you because you didn’t gave up on me despite all my mood swings, rants, and issues with everything. Thank you for all the help, care, love and support, I really appreciate them all. Thank you for introducing me your family which eventually became my home as well. Thank you for guiding and always believing that I am more than who or what I think I am. Thank you for always bringing me up everytime I’m down. Thank you for being my partner in everything. Thank you for the continuous and unending love and most specially, Thank you for being the best best best friend sa buong mundo! Goodluck sa future endeavors mo!!! Godbless you always!

and also, to all my friends from ABM, STEM, HUMSS & MAD!!! Thank you to you all for being with me sa journey kong to!! (you know who you are guys!!! di ko na imention baka sobrang humaba nito huHu)

and that’s it, That sums up everything or my entire shs journey.

“After every storm is a beautiful rainbow.”

I’ve encountered and went through so much during my senior high school chapter but despite all that, Here I am, a pioneer & proud graduate of Senior High School, Music Arts & Design Strand batch 2017-2018.

#graduation

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inseomermaid-blog · 6 years

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An Inner Circle First-Timer’s Concert Experience In Seoul [#WINNEREverywhereTourinSeoul]

So. If you tell me freakin’ one year ago if I’d be flying to Seoul for a Kpop concert, I’d smack you for slander.

Buuuuut here we are, a week after WINNER’s Everywhere Tour in Seoul :))))) I’ve just begun to recover. Literally, it took me a week to get through the stages of mourning and to accept that it’s over HAHAHUHU

Anyway, here’s my (and Liz’s) experience in attending a concert in Seoul!

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Why we wanted to see them in Seoul (when it was sure they were gonna go to MANILA anyway):

1. It’s Liz’s annual bday trip gipp!! Or idk, this is part of the rationalization we thought of AHAHA. Initially, we were set for Singapore as it would be way cheaper for sure, but another reason came up....

2. We wanted to see them in their most “comfortable” version - Not sure if comfortable is the word, but I guess we wanted to see them how they were in their home country?? Speaking comfortably in Korean and all? We were anticipating that for other countries it would probably be just Yoon speaking most of the time (not that it’s a problem with us HAHA), and we wanted to see all them four being their natural makulit presence on stage (without them thinking about the language hinderance--even if kami yung hindi makaintindi sa kanila :)))) I know it’s a weird reasoning but :)))) And it’s been a long time since they’ve done a full concert in Seoul! We just wanted to be there in the kickoff concert. I mean, if we were willing to fly out to see them, o di todo na namin diba? Seoul it is!

How we got the tickets:

Here’s the thing: this is not our first rodeo. We’ve already successfully watched Coldplay in Singapore last year after (WHAT I THOUGHT WAS ALREADY) a bloody online ticketing war. Coldplay tickets were wiped out in 20 minutes, I think? But I was able to secure 7 tickets (3 VIP standing, 4 upper box tickets) after much death and resurrection.

We thought we were prepared for a WINNER ticketing war lol. We were not. Everything (or at least the seats we targeted) was more or less gone in less than 4 minutes.

There were two waves, one week apart. Both of them were intense :)))) I guess our third-world country internet cannot compete with their 5G data network?!

A HUGE HUGE HUGE thank you to Cams and Dianne for basically hand-holding me throughout the entire process of securing tickets from Seoul!! T_T Without them, we probably wouldn’t have gotten tickets. All transactions were smooth and hassle-free. There were a lot of K-ICs who also wanted G-ICs to attend the Seoul concert and thus were purchasing tickets so scalpers can’t get to them first. They also helped me with tips and advice on where to stay, where to go, etc etc as it was our first time in Korea. Sobrang bait and helpful nila as in! T_T

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Of course that was only half of the problem:

In less than a month, we had to book flights (ANG MAHAL NA NITO SIYEMPRE), book hotel (Thank you Agoda for your occasional flash sales) and of course, VISA. We highly recommend TravelPros for your Korean visa processing needs! We spent around 700 pesos for this, and we got the visa in exactly 6 days. Super fast. Pero may drama pa kami dun sa visa requirements LORD HAHA pero hindi ko na kwento haba na nito. BASTA when we got the visa I wanted to throw a fiesta, ganung level =))

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CONCERT D-Day~~~

We wanted to get in early-ish because we were anticipating the DVD / merch line.

The train was a bit confusing for this stop!! We knew we were not the only ones because some of the Koreans were also confused where to get off haha

This ad greeted us before the exit!

Entering the Olympic Park Stadium~

Sure enough the line was at least 500m already when we arrived at around 10:45.

AAAAAND YES I lined up for 2 hours for the DVD 0_0 Under the heat of Korean summer 0_0

Questions in my mind while in queue:

1. why does everyone look so fresh except me

2. how to spot foreigners: they use umbrellas for the heat

3. Don’t be weak

4. why am I doing this again

Anyway, tada~

Let’s just ignore the part where if we waited until 3pm, or at least when the line tapered off, I could have gotten it without the sunburn on my batok but where’s the fun in that no?

Liz and teh boyfriend lined up for merch (mercifully it was shorter) and they were able to buy 2 lightsticks (OUR FIRST ONES YAY! Hirap daw lagyan ng battery lol) and shirts (X and XL lang ang available sizes but it still works out!?? What is this Korean sizing sorcery?!)

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All the cafe / restos were full (Mamamoo was also having a concert that day!) so we had to settle for convenience store food :))) It wasn’t bad!

Met Cams and lots of other PH-ICs who travelled from MNL! You can check out #ICsPHGoesToSeoul to see what everyone was up to while in Seoul.

We got a lot of fans (as in pamaypay) from different fansites (and thus we didn’t have to line up, yay!) and actually saw the faces behind big accounts* HAHA it was surreal.

Actually, the whole thing was pretty surreal (YA THINK) in a good way. Since it’s our first time to attend a KPop concert, we didn’t know a lot of things. One of those was... lining up for freebies given by fansites.

Girl, INTENSE. As in, pila kung pila ang mga bagets and not-so bagets. Paano naman kasi ang cute ng freebies! Fans, stickers, photocards, etc. Looking back feeling ko dapat pumila/bumili kami BUT holehhhshit it was really so hot, and after lining up for 2 hours we wanted to just save our energy.

Super tita namin right?!

Also most of the masternims who were offering their freebies were all speaking in Korean (malamang) so we didn’t know if it was free or for sale... AH BASTA MAGULO isip namin hahaha yeaaaah looking back we should have at least tried BUT yun nga, it was really too damn hot to walk around talaga. Maybe next time!! (next time talaga?!)

Kill time! We just randomly sat anywhere we could #ifItfitswesits

At some points, we could hear the sound check so medyo spoilery siya (we heard Jinwoo’s solo performance HAHA) at the same time we were like OMG 0_0

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FINALLY TIME TO ENTER!

Our seats were 2F (as in second floor). We were initially planning to aim for 1F but giiiiiirl waley. 2F wasn’t that bad! Ang nasa isip ko MOA Arena levels where it’s too high up. This was okay (as if may choice kami HAHA). 1F would be the best seats talaga. Standing is a gamble because there’s a chance you won’t be able to see anything BUT the interactions that WINNER made with the standing group was really worth it :))))) WATCH THE FANCAMS IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT I MEAN

I tried to use MIXLR for the first time pala, since I wanted to kinda pay it forward. The first time I “experienced” a WINNER concert was through Cami’s Fukuoka?? mixlr concert and back then I thought, it’s amazing that someone would really try to share this experience with us that can’t make it to the concert.

(Now that I’m replaying my mixlr, I AM SORRY FOR THE THOUSAND OMGs I SAID =)))) I swear I’m more coherent than that--except when you know, Mino was body rolling live, Hoony was lifting his shirt to reveal his perfect 6-pack abs, Jinwoo with his ethereal voice and stage presence, and Yoon’s powerful vocals and performance. Wala na talaga ako masabi kung hindi OH MY GOD =)))) So I’m not sure if I’ll ever mixlr again hahaha kasi marami naman who does it and is more pro about it??? let’s see :)))

Here are some notable thoughts I remember from the concert (sorry more Tagalog here because all the feels)

1. ANG GWAPO NILANG LAHAT. I mean, fo sure I didn’t stan them for visuals (promise talaga! It was really about the music. Sawain ako sa visuals actually) BUT hooooshit. They are different irl. I’ve seen them before in NAIA airport for like.... 10 seconds and like I knew they were really good-looking. BUT ON STAGE. IN FULL PERFORMANCE GLORY. THEIR VISUALS ARE INSANE.

youtube

2. SOLO STAGES. WHERE TO BEGIN. I didn’t know I’d see Mino perform Body live ever (I thought he had retired the song and I’ve accepted it) BUT GOOD LORD. The “mashup” for Body and TOTL was just made to be together. The stage and performance was oozing with sexiness and charisma and my mind was just a puddle at this point. Mino doesn’t do full-on sexy very often (am I right? It’s like between deliberate sexy and swag, he’d go for more swag) so when he did this... live... the body rolling... the kinda grinding.... we died.

3. JINWOO. Jusko. Where to start with Jinwoo. I’m rewatching our fancam of his Untitled 2014 performance and it’s the only one who made me feel goosebumps. Especially the part where he went up the stairs and the spotlight was on him, and he was singing so passionately and the audience was just in complete awe. IT WAS A MAGICAL MOMENT I CAN’T EXPLAIN. It’s like as he walked up the stairs and sang, it was like he was taking his rightful place as a superstar. Jinwoo is not even my bias but I super kaduper want him to succeed and become more confident with this abilities (I am speaking from someone who watched Who is Next haha). After his solo stage, my immediate first thought was: JINWOO IS READY TO HAVE A SOLO ALBUM.

4. YOON’S SOLO STAGE. Lol I cried. Ever since I’ve heard It Rains (his solo song), I’ve wanted to hear it live, but I didn’t expect that he’d sing it ever again--maybe he’d sing Wild and Young but not It Rains. The arrangement was “simple” but the experience was HOLY. As in, it was like angels were singing. His clear and strong voice filled the whole arena. The adlibs he did were insane. Literally it was like going to church. The lights and the background visuals were stunning. Sobrang full on drama / rocker Yoon mode! It is something to behold live. Also... INSTINCTIVELY. I also never thought I’d see Yoon perform with a guitar ever again. (Ang drama?? never talaga?? hahaha but I never know with Yoon kasi! He’s so experimental with genres that when he’s already done something already, it might take a long time for him to comeback [in this case, to his rocker roots]). When he took off his blazer... BAKLA SIGAW TALAGA AKOOOOooooo =)))) Looking at him perform like this, I can’t believe he didn’t go solo. I know he’s happier with a group (and I am thankful) but his presence as a solo artist is still very much there. I hope Yoon can release his solo album soon because Liz and I will definitely fly again to Korea when that happens!!! :)

>>>[OPEN FOR A SURPRISE]<<<

Grabe thissss pic.twitter.com/AvxeuT4Xoh

5. HOON. How so even begin writing about Deputy Lee’s stage. He performed Ringa Linga (modified with Hoon’s rap which was a cool touch I think) and Serenade (EVERYONE’S WAITING FOR THIS). I don’t know where haters get the idea that Hoon can’t dance. Like... are you guys BLIND?!?!? He’s one of the most naturally gifted dancers I’ve ever seen--because he dances to feeling**, not with just choreo. Ringa Linga was a perfect choice for him because he was able to showcase his vocals, dancing prowess and abs all at the same time. The dance breaks were insane. AND MY GOD, Hoon’s body is perfection. His arms, torso, legs... ART.

6. The costumes, lights (LIGHTS), pyrotechnics, over-all stage design was just A++++. I don’t know why I thought it was going to be a much simpler stage but they really went all-in with everything.

7. The nebula ocean was beautiful. I keep saying in the mixlr... “I’ve never seen so many Inner Circles in my entire life” because it’s true! For some reason there is a notion that we are a small fandom and maybe that’s true compared to others... but we are not less powerful. At least 99% of seats were taken, the standing was packed. Everyone was doing the fanchants. Almost everyone had the lightstick. It was humbling and inspiring to see all the fans who love WINNER come together in one venue, screaming their voices out and singing to the songs (while still being respectful and attentive to each stage performance).

4winner 4ever 💙💙💙💙#WINNEREverywhereTourInSeoul pic.twitter.com/dKXYst03v4

8. The boys really love each other. As in, you can feel their chemistry and their teamwork onstage. Of course, I don’t understand the ments while it was going on (by now I’ve seen the translated fancams of course) but I can definitely tell from their body language and the way they regard each other that they are brothers. And they were just so happy! Running to and from the stage, taking fan’s phones, they were on FULL-ON fanservice. I could feel the love from where I was sitting.

9. I want to pick my favorite stages but I don’t know how. It was surreal to shout “Neol johahae!” for REALLY REALLY and answer Hoon’s pizza pasta so so with “YUM YUM!” =))))) Sobrang surreal na nangyayari siya sa harapan ko at hindi sa Youtube (with subtitles). Love Me Love Me stage was super cute, Moviestar was tear-inducing. Speaking of Movie Star, the fan event was so funny! They were really surprised because it happened right smack in the middle (usually it happens at the end, but they were expecting it kasi). All four of them were very confused and I feel like they really didn’t see the video as much because they were busy being... confused with what was happening. But when they understood they look like they were touched and slightly cross that we were able to fool them HAHA.

Also:

MINYOON MINYOON MINYOON

10. There were many cute moments of ICs that I witnessed. Like, before the concert started, they were playing WINNER songs on the screen. Then suddenly, Body was played. Inner Circles all screamed =))) BASTA SOBRANG FUNNY. During Mino’s kissing scene, half of ICs were turned on, half were saying “Nooooo” =))) Then during encore, we were supposed to sing We Were (as in the whole song). When it was already the second stanza, the singing became softer and softer, because it was apparent that ICs haven’t memorized the lyrics. Everyone laughed hard. IT WAS SOOOOOO CUTE T_T

BONUS:

After the concert, we kinda rushed to the back exit to wait for WINNER. Lol it took more than an hour for them to come out (of course lots of picture-taking, maybe even speeches for the team, etc etc). We saw Yang Hyun Suk (ICs began to chant his name too #insidejokefromtheconcert and sure ako labas sa ilong yun hahaha), PO, Jinwoo’s dad, Yoon’s mom, most of the dancers (Gahee my love were you there) to name a few.

Again, it was a tender moment because the van was supposed to “cover” their exit from the door, but the fans cried “Noooo” and begged security to let us see them :)) So after a few minutes, the van adjusted its position, so WINNER could walk out and wave to the crowd outside. They looked very very very happy and thankful to see us. <3

---

We met with some of the PH-ICs again to talk about the concert IN TAGALOG PARA TODO YUNG FEELS :))) I can’t wait to see everyone again in November!

---

Aaaaand by 12 am we were back in our hotel after getting lost in Dongmyo exit HAHA. Can’t blame us, all our braincells were left in the Olympic Park Stadium :)) It was really a memorable experience that we hope we can repeat for sure on November (WHICH IS MY BIRTHDAY MONTH). Aiming for nearer seats this time, but let’s see what the universe will give us.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

I thought if I finally see WINNER live I’d be finally scratching an itch--like I’ve already see them live and that’s that. But NOOOOOooooooOOOOOooo. It’s completely the opposite. Now YouTube and mixlrs are not enough anymore T_T When you’ve seen them live... you just want to repeat the experience over and over again.

To all Inner Circles still reading up to this point: CONGRATS and THANK YOU:))

Also, my god. You can forget everything you’ve read up to this point but just remember this.

SEE

THEM

LIVE.

See them live.

I am not kidding around. You should, at least once in your life. Even if it’s just General Admission ticket or the farthest seat***. It’s different when you are in the same venue and you see them performing LIVE right in front of your very eyes. In my opinion, Yoon’s voice is 10x better live---recording absolutely does not do him justice. Same with the Mino, Jinwoo and Hoon. Their vocals, dance skills, over-all charisma cannot be simply captured by the camera. YOU HAVE TO SEE THEM LIVE TO KNOW WHAT I MEAN, WHY I’M SO ADAMANT ABOUT THIS :)))) I’ve seen performers that are exactly the same live as they are in YouTube or sound the same like Spotify but I can say with complete confidence: not WINNER. I can say their true strength is live performance.

I’m sure I’ve missed a lot but this is becoming a research-paper already HAHA so I’d end it here. SO glad we pushed for this trip, so blessed that everything worked in our favor (we were the last flight out before the NAIA airport incident happened huhu) and we’re already looking forward to November in MNL****! :)

till then bye~

P.S. If you want to chika more or need me to translate the Filipino bits lol just hit me up on teh Ask :)

*we saw at least 2 big Yoon masternims that we avidly follow talaga, 2 european ics we follow (lol “european” what is dead giveaway lol) and 1 of the 3 japanese KSY fans we also like HAHA so cute T_T

** I’m not a dancer, but my boyfriend is, and I remember him saying that personally he has more respect for dancers who dance according to what he feels--because it’s one of the highest forms of expression (as opposed to just relying with choreo). It’s a testament to a dancer’s ability that he/she is able to catch the beat without “thinking” about it too much--so the dance becomes the story of the dancer, not the choreo. LOL I think I’m botching his explanation about it but it’s just I remember Hoon whenever my boyfriend and I talk about freestyle dance.

*** Of course it you can’t make it due to various reasons that’s okay, but if you have a chance to make it happen, don’t hesitate. I’d say it’s worth every penny you’d spend to see them live.

#yg winner #winner yg #위너 #WINNEREVERYWHERETOURINSEOUL #ICsPHGoesToSeoul #YOON #강승윤 #JINU #HOONY #MINO

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the-seventhmoon · 4 years

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Dear Lord,

I know I don’t talk to you often but I also know that You know that You’re in my heart; You’re the driver of my life. I have lifted everything up to You. It may be late but it was all worth it. You were always there for me especially when I felt so alone in life. Back then, my prayers were “Okay lang ako, Lord. Wag mo na ako intindihin. Unahin mo na sila.” and then I realized You’re a jealous God - You want to feel needed so now, You’re everything I need Lord. Thank you for saving me. I remember back in college, the cross was here in our place and it was one of the my darkest nights. I felt so alone and completely lost with life. My relationship with You wasn’t like this pa. During that sad night when I couldn’t take it anymore I went out of my room and went to our sala where the cross was. Immediately when I saw the cross, I burst into tears. I don’t really remember what I prayed that night but I remembered crying heavily. My arms on the table and my knees on the floor. Ang bigat bigat ng pakiramdam ko noon. I could still remember the feeling even up to now and whenever that cross visits here that’s all I can think about - that one sad night. It may be bad but it was like I have no one else to turn to but You. Gumaan pakiramdam ko noon. Ofcourse there’s still the sad feeling but I felt like something was lifted off of me that night. I’m sorry Lord kung hindi ako madalas lumapit Sayo even up to now. Alam Niyo naman po ako, pa-strong. You’re all I have Lord whenever those sad nights strike until someone came into my life. Si Mark. You lend me Mark and I was super thankful po. I had someone whom I can share all my worries, sadness and what not. I was comfy enough to be myself with him and I don’t get to do that with a lot of people. In a way, Mark was my saving grace. I could just call him and cry and everything feels better. He would just listen to me pag humahagulgol ako and to be honest, knowing the fact that he’s there calms me down. I am not alone anymore. Nandyan na si Mark. It went on for seven years. Even though he’s asleep I would bombard him with my messages filled with frustrations and sometimes I think “Hindi kaya masisira umaga nito? Ang heavy ng mga sinasabi ko.” but he did not mind it at all. He would wake up and tell me he loves me. He would pretend na walang nangyari ‘cause he knows I don’t like talking about it. He waits for me to open up and gaddam Lord he fills my heart. Ugh Lord. Sometimes I miss him. But as I’ve said, on loan lang pala siya. He was not meant for me. He was meant to stay lang all throughout my college years - nothing more, nothing less. He didn’t even get to see me wearing my toga. I know he would have been proud. Yung babaeng tinyaga niyang pakinggan ung frustrations and all finally graduate na. I somehow fulfilled our dream - to graduate in Mapua. At least I did that. I speak very fondly of Mark not because I still love him but he is one of the greatest gift and lesson and for that Lord, maraming salamat. At least I get to experience that kind of love. The time I cried heavily in front of the cross I think was after Mark and I broke up. Nawala po kasi yung anchor ko. He was my balance and nung nawala siya, nawala na ung order. I don’t know how to explain it Lord. After him, no one came close. I had relationships, yes but it was different Lord. May kulang. I tried to convince myself that this is what I want but in reality, nacocompare ko sometimes. I can’t remember if I’ve cried in front of Ten. I did but because it was emotionally draining. With Kiko, I think I forced myself to cry just to feel human. It was nice but it didn’t felt right. With Ryan, I didn’t even cry to him when my tita passed away. Supposedly, he should be the one who I wanna hug. When the incident in my room happened, I forced myself to cry but I can’t really feel a thing. I can’t cry in front of people anymore - actually I don’t really cry in front of anyone lol. I’m not comfy enough. But it made me think, si Mark lang talaga. Hay.

You may be wondering why I’m writing or talking to you like this again. Lord, I’m in pain. When I started writing this I actually don’t know what to say. “Kaya mo na ba this early mag sulat?” is what I asked myself. You know that aside from talking to You, my outlet is writing. I turn my feelings into words. And now, I’m doing it again. As I’ve said Lord, I’m in pain. I have been fooled. Ang sakit, Lord. Gusto ko ng isang mahigpit na yakap, Lord. Take it all away I don’t want it po. I never wanted this.

Hindi ko pa siya nakwekwento Sainyo, Lord. His name is Jasy. It’s actually Jussy but I liked Jasy better, feels like ako lang may ganun tawag sakanya nun even though it’s the same pronunciation. He’s amazing, Lord. He really is. I mean I wouldn’t get all emotional like this for an ‘okay’ guy, right? He’s a civil engineer and he lives in his own world where everything is perfect. He made me comfy with my body and encourages me to express myself. He listens to me although he cuts me mid-sentence cos maybe he gets excited with my stories and I love it when I cut him off too, “Ako pa diba? Di pa ko tapos.” and his face would turn into this cute little thing na parang he got scolded by his mother. He’s such a cuddly bear. He’s older than me; older than most guys I’ve dated. He acts like a child and my oh my do I love taking care of him. “You ate na? Drank water? Smoked ilan na?” Those are my 3 magical questions and he never misses to fail one of those. He forgot to eat, he drank just one glass tapos pagabi na, smoked more than usual and such. Even so, I love him. I think I will never get tired of those questions and I will never get tired of reminding him. I love him, Lord. I still do and right now my heart aches ‘cause I can never be with him. I can never really call him my own - he was never mine, Lord. You see, he has a partner po. You see Lord why we can’t be together? Yeah, I got fooled. But you know what Lord? I’m not mad. For that, thank You. You have given me a sufficient amount of understanding so I wouldn’t have any resentment in my heart, maraming salamat. But that doesn’t mean I’m not hurt. I saw something in him Lord. In my head, itong lalaking to is not your usual gwapo guy (for me he is though) but he has a lot more to offer. He’s smart, malambing, sweet, may plano sa buhay, has a good heart, good conversationalist and whenever I’m with him I feel safe. He is everything I’ve ever wanted Lord. And alam Niyo pa po? My sad nights were gone cos of him. He brought back something in me. He gave me happines, no, he was my happiness. After Mark, the sad nights returned as predicted. You know me, I don’t normally open to anyone. But with this guy, walls down. Those simple video calls before going to sleep was the most precious thing ever Lord. Someone’s giving me their time and my heart is full. May nagbibigay sakin ng time, Lord. Biruin mo yun? Dati ako lang Lord. Dati tayong dalawa lang. Minsan nakakalimutan ko pa ngang nandyan Ikaw eh. Those sad nights were gone. Somehow, I think it was because of him. He took care of me in his own little ways and those little things had a huge impact in my heart. I fell inlove. It was a wonderful infinity. An infinity that I wouldn’t regret happening ‘cos I was happy, Lord. For the first time in a long long time, I felt like everything has aligned - everything was in favor of me. That what I have right now is perfect. I have a good job, the salary isn’t that bad, I have a nice home, I have my own space, no one in the family has been affected by the pandemic, I have trustworthy friends whom I can call whenever I’m down, and I have him. I’m sorry but tangina Lord wala na akong hihingin pa. It was like the way I look at the moon changed. Before I look at it because I’m sad but now I look at it because I’m happy. Even though he is leaving for another country, I felt like I can convince him to talk to me still. I wanted to be with him. In all of my imaginations, it’s me bumping into him after 1-2 years. I’m still single and so is he. We would then reunite and the rest is history. Kaso I don’t think that would happen. A few days ago, I found out he has a girlfriend. The guy I fell inlove with has a girl na pala. I was oblivious to everything. Ofcourse, I had a hunch but I did not really expect it to be true - I want it not to be true. Lord, You know I love being right but this is the only time na sana mali ako. Mabilis rin akong makaramdam and sana sana hindi nalang. Magaling ako sa mga bagay if I put my mind into it and sana hindi nalang ako nag pursue hanapin. I could just live in the moment. I can just act dumb. Grabe Lord ang sakit po pala. Ang sakit maging tama. Ang hirap maging tama. Ang bigat maging tama. Ayoko nalang maging tama. For the sake of being right, nasaktan ako nang sobra. I stopped immediately. I don’t want to but I have to. I miss him, I really do. I miss looking at him. I miss him sleeping on my chest. I miss his arms and legs wrapped around my body. I miss hugging him. I miss how it felt so right being with him. It was like nothing else matters. All the worries are gone, the world does not matter when I’m with him. I wanted to stop time. I want to stay in that moment forever pero may mga bagay talagang hindi para sayo kahit anong pilit mo. Kahit anong dasal mo. Kahit sobrang sakit na ng puso mo just to make it happen - kung hindi para sayo, hindi talaga para sayo. Yung pakiramdam na para kang nasa alapaap tapos biglang dumilim. Hindi ako takot sa dilim pero nung nalaman kong sa dilim na yun ay wala na pala siya - nawalan ako ng lakas. That’s when I knew he was all that matters to me. He is the sole provider of my strength. You gave him to me to support me, Lord. To lift me up and encourage me with life. Maybe You saw me crying one night and thought, “Siguro nakalimutan na niya yung pakiramdam nang may karamay. Nakalimutan na niyang may tao pa palang pwede siyang matakbuhan. Na hindi pala siya nag iisa. Siguro kailangan niya si Jasy at itong si Jasy kailangan rin siya para maramdaman naman rin niya kung paano ang pakiramdam to be taken care of. Baka kasi nakalimutan na nila ung mga ganung pakiramdam sa buhay. Natoughen up ko na sila pareho kaya siguro they deserve to smile for a little while.” You looked down on us and decided we needed each other and You were right. You’re always right, Lord. Kaso shortlived.

Sometimes I want to ask why. Why did you let this happen? What lesson would I gain from this? Am I not strong enough for You, My Lord, that I have to undergo another hardship? Another trial? Haven’t I had enough? Don’t I deserve to be happy? And of all people, why me? Why me. I am somewhere in between losing interest with people and wanting to be loved and cared for and yet here I am questioning the purpose of all of it - mukang on the verge of not wanting to be involve with someone.

Lord, I know You have plans for me but for once why? This kind of pain isn’t the same pain I’ve experienced before. Siguro nga iba iba ang sakit na dulot ng iba’t ibang tao dahil iba iba rin ung saya at pagmamahal na nabigay ko at nila sakin. Iba iba ang impact ng tao sa atin kaya iba iba ung nararamdaman natin para sakanila. Hindi ko po masabing ito na ang pinaka masakit na nangyari sakin. This is not comparable to the pain I’ve previously felt but I must admit na it hurts like hell. Ang tagal ko nang sinusulat to when normally I finish something in one sitting. My heart just couldn’t take it. I started writing this the day after the incident and yes, it was really too soon to be writing. Nandun na lahat ng emotions and my chest was really heavy - even up to now - but after 4 straight days of crying and pretending I’m okay I’m finally can say na I’m coping. I may not be entirely okay with the situation but I’m moving forward. I choose to move forward. Gusto ko pa Lord, yes, alam ko You’re in heaven naka faceplam because of how stupid it sounds but gusto ko pa sana. Wala eh, I love him. I was talking to Lyle and I told him what I wanted - a one last hurrah. Maybe an overnight or a 3 day stay in some place and we can pretend nothing’s going on. After that, wala na. He told me that it’s up to me. He knows I hate cheating (even though I did that myself) so he said it’s only a matter of decision for me between my feelings and my morals. At this point, I think I’m choosing my morals. Ayoko magsalita ng tapos, Lord, pero sana hindi na mabago ung decision ko. Mahirap ung withdrawing sa isang bagay na kinasanayan mo na. It may be shortlived but it meant a lot to me to be with someone like that - someone who took his time just to talk to me. Someone whom I felt safe. Someone na akala ko pag bumalik dito sa Pinas ay magkakaroon ng way para magkita kami at start again where we left off. Ganun lahat ng imagination ko noon. Magkikita kami somewhere unexpectedly, nakuha ko na lahat ng gusto ko - alapit na matapos yung debts ni mama, I have my own place na, I am at a position at work na I can really be proud of and sasabihin ko sakanya yun with a proud look at my face because he is one of the reason bakit ako nagpursige. It’s because someone believed in me. Someone told me I can. Someone made me feel that I can do great things. (Fuck, di ako pwedeng umiyak may charcoal mask ako sa muka. Haha. Kaya control the emotion muna Steph. Tiis ganda muna.) So ayun, we would date again and lived happily ever after. Pero again, sinampal nanaman ako ng realidad. Okay lang, this isn’t the first time I was slapped in the face with reality. I just thought this time it would me my time. I guess it was too good to be true.

Lord, heal me. You made me into this strong woman and I am very very much grateful. Sometimes, I wonder “saan ko kinukuha tong lakas ng loob na to”. It all comes from You but You know what Lord? I feel alone with this strength. I know I have You but sometimes I feel lonely. Idk what to make out of this or why I’m saying this but I really do at times. I just stand up straight and tell myself na hindi, hindi ito yung mag papabagsak sakin. He’s just a guy. Madaming guys out there who would still treat me the way I wanted to be treated. Right now, I may only want him but I’m sure as time pass by this thoughts and feelings would be long gone. I just hope the withdrawal and healing process won’t take that long. When the time comes that I come across the guy that is really for me, I hope I’m not too blind and scarred for him. I hope my walls wouldn’t be that high. I hope I welcome him with all of me. I hope I won’t have doubts because of what happened. I hope I’m whole. And if I’m not, my Lord, I hope you gave him the patience and understanding to wait for me. I hope he doesn’t give up that easily because I know I won’t with him. I was watching “That Thing Called Tadhana” last night and there was a line there

“Makakarecover pa ba ako?”

“Makakarecover ka.”

“Sure na sure ka dyan ah.”

“Alam mo kasi... ang pagmamahal na ganyan, yung love na pinapakita mo kung gaano ka ka-overwhelming parang impossibleng walang puntahan yan. Mababalik na mababalik din yun sayo. Not necessarily sa taong pinagbibigyan mo pero sigurado ako babalik sayo yan.”

And I can’t wait, Lord. I know it will be amazing because it’s Your plan but for now I will have to endure muna. Idk exactly the purpose or the lesson yet pero I trust You. It could still be Jasy or maybe Mark or a person I haven’t met yet but I know na this person is going to be amazing.

Lord, yakapin mo ako every night. I will smile until it no longer hurts. I will smile for myself and for the person who is really for me para when the time comes na makikilala ko na siya, buo ako. I’ve endured everything and is ready for the kind of love he will be giving me.

Maraming salamat Lord for listening. Truly you’re amazing. Hanggang dito muna ako. I’m not sure if this will be the last time I will be writing to You or about this but know for You na You have all of me. I trust and believe in You.

To enduring until it no longer hurts. :)

Goodnight.

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coffeeleans · 4 years

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April 18, 2020. 9:08 AM.

Re-capture.

good morning, hehe. i don’t think i have been that open to everyone here and i’m probably doing this soft hours out of lack of sleep. i guess our time is short and it’s better to express how much i love all of you whenever i can so here goes nothing. 🥺👉🏻👈🏻.

kari, i know you’ve been going through a rough patch lately and you’re often stressed with school-related activities. but i hope you know we endlessly believe in you and that one day, this will all be worth it. i know it’s easier said than done but if you find yourself unhappy in the path you’re taking now, know that one day, makakagawa ka din ng path para sa’yo at sasaya ka.

sten, i know it has been tough for you and i’m sorry i wasn’t among the people you could have reached when it all happened. but i want you to know that i’m really proud of you for getting through it. setbacks, often times, makes us stronger than we were and more determined to running towards our dreams. i hope your setback won’t stop you from reaching your dreams. i have faith in you too, for always.

elle, you’re our baby sunshine but i know you have your dark days too. i hope you know you can lean on us on such days. like, you can randomly pop and bombard us with your worries and we will shower you with what you need just like how you’ve always did for us. you’re in that age where everything is blurry and unsure, but i have faith that you’ll make the most out of whichever path you’ll choose to take. i hope you’ll start to believe in yourself as much as we do or even more.

kana, we’re both on our early twenties? i know you have a different thing to do than your job right now kahit na-eenjoy mo din naman trabaho mo. you’re probably worried of not reaching your dreams and siguro naiisip mo na, twenties na tayo tapos andito pa din tayo? fear not, love. as i said, as long as you’re taking a step towards that dream or goal, you’ll get there. kahit pa parang ang late na o ang tagal tagal. one day, you’ll find yourself there in that dream— only it is your reality already. naniniwala kami sa’yo. you’ll make both yourself and us very proud of you (even though proud na kami talaga sa’yo ngayon pa lang, everyone in your life is probably proud of you already and we’re happy to have you). you know what, you’re as warm as you described us to be. please note too that you can tell us about anything even though we tend to reply late, we are always happy to hear you out.

jea, babe. heh. out of everyone, sa’yo ko ata pinaka na-eexpress how much i love you since we talk often and we’re live-in partners. 🥺👉🏻👈🏻. pero ayun, there are lots of things i appreciate you for. pati sa pag-dala sa’kin dito sa kkeropi, for accepting me in your life ng paulit-ulit, and for being my home for so many years. i know you’re pressured for the things people in our age do, like say, MA. pero you know we can both take everything in our own pace and time. isa-isa lang, okay? as long as we’re alive and existing, everything will get better kahit pa may relapses. ang hirap man na ang dami natin gustong marating, naniniwala ako sa’yo na mararating mo ‘yun lahat because hey, kahit mapili ka sa work, you still work your way in achieving the things you want. one day, mahahanap mo din ‘yung contentment and happiness na hinahanap mo sa work and sa life in general. you’ll be okay, babe. you will be.

sometimes, i still do feel out of place kasi hindi talaga ako magaling sa big group of friends. i don’t know how to fit in and i find it hard to speak up. kahit nga sa rl, kapag kausap ko kayo, i stutter kasi hindi ko maisip pano ko sasabihin ‘yung gusto ko sabihin. pero i love all of you, individually more than as a group. i appreciate all of you and your efforts of staying alive for the past years of your individual life. but if sometimes, living is hard, then know that it’s okay to just exist on some days. personally, i have always loved the novel “all the bright places” by jennifer niven because i saw parts of me in theodore finch’s words so, let me just share this line from that novel even though it’s ernest hemingway who said it; the world breaks everyone, and afterward, many are strong at the broken places.

there’s still a lot in store for us and no one knows for certain how long we’re going to be breathing but as long as we do, let’s make the most out of each day but don’t forget to rest too, okay? we’ll struggle but our struggles are meant to make us stronger and we will be. if you feel like no one’s believing in you, just know that somewhere out here, in this chaotic world, a kei who endlessly have faith in all of you exists. thank you for everything, my babies. let’s all walk and run towards our dream and make things that may matter for us and for the world. step by step. i’m cheering for all of you kahit anong mangyari, even if we part ways. evident man o hindi.

keep going, my babies.

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mattsivan · 6 years

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Journal Week 18 (03/18-22/19)

03/18/19 (Monday)

Nag-trike ako kasi late na naman ako, zzz. Nagpasa ako ng mga letters sa ReWri, and wala naman nang ginawa. Sa DRRR, wala si Ma’am. Sa BaCal, diniscuss yung mga questions sa Periodical Exam and na-disappoint si Ma’am kasi mababa scores namin ang kaya naman sagutan nang maayos yung exam yet ‘di namin nagawa :< Sa GenChem, 32 score ko sa Perio and naging 38 due to corrections and such, yay! Sa PracRes, late pumasok si Ma’am and wala rin namang ginawa. Sa PagPag & PerDev, walang ganap kaya naghintay na lang ako mag 3pm para manood ng cheerdance.

Nung mga time na malapit nang mag-uwian, lumapit sa akin si Cot and he is saddd and not in the usual mood that he’s in. I tried comforting him and making him smile, nag-tanong eme siya about sa mga ‘di common na ginagamit na elements and nag-guessing game kami kung ano yung name ng element based sa symbols, lmao. He smiled naman and I was happy that he did. Nag-aya ako na manod kami cheerdance and gumala bukas, but he has other plans and gusto niyang umuwi. May nangyaring something kaya nanood na lang rin siya ng cheerdance.

Grabe, ang ganda ng mga performances ng G10! Ang hirap mag-decide. Ang linis and ang hirap ng mga stunts ng Fara, I liked the music and the performance ng Einstein. Sa Ruther, ‘di ako nakapanood nang maayos due to reasons HAHAHAH. Kaya nagulat ako na sila nanalo. After ng event, I greeted G10 pips/friends ng congrats, including my crushie hehe. Mayroong mga G9 pips na naka-abang sa labas para maka-congrats which I find very weird. Tapos nung dumaan crushie ko sa kanila, nag-congrats si koya mo sa kanya HAHAHAH.

Nakita ko na mga girl friends ko and sumama ako sa kanila to eat. We talked about the issues nangyari sa cheerdance completion, other issues lyk problematic people, and mga requirements na kailangan nilang tapusin. Na-stress ako sa kanila!

Pagkauwi ko, gumawa ako nang sandal ng biblio and did random things. Chatted people. Nainis talaga ako sa mga scratches sa calcu ko, gRRRrrR. Vlad kasi eh, choz. I wasn’t able to comfort my bestfriend, but na-comfort ko naman si Cot. Be the real you. Let out your emotions. Stay strong and positive.

03/19/19 (Tuesday)

Sa Del Mundo room namin coz may G12 defense. Break time na ako dumating. May emeng ganap about sa seating arrangement, ang petty ko. Kung ano-anong negative things naisip ko, pero sanay naman na ako na isipin yun.

Sa BaCal, ni-retake namin yung Perio Exam para malaman kung sino magre-remedial mamaya. Late dumating si Cot, hahaha. Sa PagPag, nag-proofread eme kami ng research proposals ng ibang group. Sa Stats, chineck namin yung retake kaninang BaCal and I’m glad na hindi na ako magre-remedial.

Tamang tambay lang ako sa Campos nung lunch time.

Sa PerDev, wala si Ma’am. Sa GenChem, gumawa kami ng essay about sa natutunan namin sa Chem this semester. Sa DRRR, wala si Ma’am. Kaya I watched YT vids and such.

Earlier this day, nag-aya si Toni na manonood daw ng films, pero hindi natuloy. Si Cot naman may ganap with Sjienlee. May plan B ako pero ‘di ko tinuloy kaya umuwi na lang ako.

Nakatulog ako nung pagkauwi ko. Dinikit ko na yung journal entries ko sa notebook. And may mga nabasa akong problematic shiz. Basta ang masasabi ko lang is ‘wag nang mag-blame ng mga tao kung ‘di naman nila alam kung ano yung mangyayari.

03/20/19 (Wednesday)

Halos break time na ako ulit nakapasok. Wala naman yatang ganap nung PerDev. Sa Stats, sinabi na rin ni Ma’am score namin sa BaCal, naka-32 ako wiieee. Medj satisfied naman ako sa score ko na ‘yun. Tapos nagpa-SW si Ma’am about dun sa area eme using integrals. Sa PracRes, pumunta si Ma’am and nagpa-ano siya dun sa mga may kulang pang quizzes and such. Nung ReWri, nag-usap usap eme kami nina Buh and Ate Catt about movies, games, movie clips, etc. HAHAHAH. Tapos kinuha ko yung board game namin and naglaro kami ni Ate Catt, Allyka, and Aldouz. Umalis din si Aldouz kasi may volleyball game sa taas. Si Allyka nanalo, gRrrRr!! Sayang kasi alam ko na yung laman ng envelope pero naunahan niya akong manghula, zzz. Good game, tho!! Tapos nun, umakyat kami to watch Banzon vs. Campos volleyball game. It was fun. Nandun siya, hahahah. Tapos bumaba kami to check our Perio, naka 38 ako! Nag-frequency din kami. After nun, balik ulit sa taas. Banzon vs. Sylianco naman. Nanood din siya, huhu. I was listening to Billie Eilish songs kasi I was sad and in a mood.

Nung uwian tamang usap lang with Sjienlee, Allyka, Adrianne, Erika, Wesley, JP, and Cot. Tamang cell group and kainan lang din. Yayayain dapat si ano mag-cell group pero kasama ako, sabi ko “I’m a bad idea.” Yikes. Puro coincidence na nagkakasalubong kami today!! Naiiyak ako, omg, huhu.

Sa cell group, kasama ako, Cot, Sher, Lau, Cherks, and Kuya David. Shinare sa amin yung about sa seeds na nag-spread sa iba’t ibang klaseng soil or land. Basta may three types. And I think nasa rocky type ako, kasi kahit na natutunan ko yung mga lessons and such, minsan na-uunlearn ko yung mga lessons na yun and kailangan kong i-relearn ulit. Sinabi ko sa kanila may mga bagay na ‘di ko sure kung mali ba or tama yung ginagawa ko, ganun. Pero everyday naman I’m trying to develop myself :))

Pagkatapos ng cell group, balik kami ni Cot sa Banzon. Tapos sakto, nakita ko ulit siya!! ugGHHH! Tapos tamang usapan lang ulit with the girl friends. Nakapag-nap yata ako? Idk. Tapos umuwi na rin sila.

Nag-hintay ako ng mga friends ko sa G10 and nakausap ko sila! <33 Si Vlad niyaya kong manood pero busy siya. Tapos nung pauwi na, nag-reply yung bestfriend ko sabi niya nagrereview pa rin siya. Kaya I headed home na lang and kasabay ko si Vlad sa jeep.

Nalungkot ako this day kasi ang daming pumapasok sa isip ko. Like, yeah I have this close friend pero parang ako yung habol nang habol sa kanya. Ugh, I know, ito na naman ako. I should accept na things wouldn’t always go the way that I wanted. Maybe, I’m not the approachable and needed unlike others. I also got sad kasi I saw the tweet of ano and ‘di ko alam kung miss niya ba ako or talagang malungkot siya. Nag-stalk ako sa CC niya and I got sadder. Hayz. Gusto ko siyang makausap. Gusto ko siyang mayakap. Gusto kong maramdaman yung naramdaman ko sa kanya.

03/21/19 (Thursday)

6:45 na ako nakarating, omg. Buti nakasabay ko si Allyka papasok sa school. Pumasok na lang kami kahit nakakahiya. ‘Di kami gumawa nung pinagawa ni Sir, yikes! Sa Stats, wala si Ma’am Rex. Nanood ako ng mg YT vids and natulog lang ako, puro patugtog eme pagkagising ko. Tamang nood lang volleyball, nandun si ano, huhu. Nung DRRR, nag-post test. Nung malapit na uwian, tumambay lang kami nina Ate Catt and Toni sa may gym. Tamang papansin lang kay crush, jk. Manonood sila ng MCU, manonood naman ako US. Nung padaan ako sa kabilang room, nakita ko siya at nagkatinginan kami. Bigla na lang ako tumalikod and pumasok sa room. Ugh, sakit pa din. Anw, kumain kami ng Ato’s nina Javi, Sher, at Shane. Nung medj ready na kaming maglakad sa hallway, dumaan si ano. Tumingin ako sa glass area para makita siya.

Pumunta na akong MOA para makipagkita sa bestfriend ko. Nakita ko sina Bea at Ysa pagbaba ko sa jeep. Sinamahan ko muna si Dept. Store. Nung nakarating na bestfriend ko, umalis na ako sa kanila and pumunta na ako sa kanya. Pumunta kami Macao pero mahaba pila, kaya nag Chatime na lang kami. Medj maasim yung drink niya HAHAHAH. Tapos bumili kami ‘Lil Orbits. Tamang nood ng bball eme sa gitna. Tapos tamang gala lang sa Toy Kingdom and Toby’s sports kasi tumingin siya ng volleyball ball. Medj malapit na mag 7:15 pm and wala pa si Vlad, nainis na bestfriend ko kasi ‘di nagrereply si Vlad kahit online siya. Kaya bumili na kami ng tix and nanood.

After manooed, OMG, gumulo utak ko sa sobrang ganda ng film!! Like buti na lang nagbigay insights bestfriend ko para lalo pa akong maliwanagan sa mga nangyari. And umuwi na kami afterwards.

03/22/19 (Friday)

Late ulit ako pero medj maaga compare kahapon. Ginawa ko na yung pinagawa kahapon na activity. Nung BaCal, may pinamigay na evaluation kay Ma’am Rex. Humor lang ginawa kong 2 HAHAHAH. After nun, volleyball game na ng Campos vs. Banzon. Nashookt ako nung nagshoot ako ng bball sa ring kasi ang taas ng pagkakabato ko, umabot yata sa G12?? Umay, biglang tumakbo ako kay Ate Catt and nadamay si Shane kasi naurong yata seat ni Ate Catt. Potek, nahihiya na ako After nun, ginawa akong taga-retrieve ng ball ni Ma’am Otazu. Ang pinaka-highlight ng task ko na yun is nung nagbigay ako ng ball kay ano. Like sinadya ba ni Lord na mangyari yun? We started again and ang pagkakaalala ko is masaya siya(ng naglalaro).

Nag-lunch muna ako nung nagsisimula na yung bball game. Tapos umakyat para manood. Yung end of game is 45-50 in favor of Sylianco.

Ang naalala kong pinagagawa ko is tumambay ako sa Campos. Nandun si ano. Minamassage siya ni Joshua. Tapos lumapit ako sa area nila. Nakiapg-usap ako kay Barbosa, kinanta namin yung City of Stars. Nakakamiss parang siya.. Tapos kinausap ko naman si Joshua, minassage ko siya. Tapos kumanta eme ko tapos nakipag-interact ako kay Sherman habang nagpla-play siya ng guitar/piano. Tapos ang sarap ng tulog ni ano. Sana naririnig niya ako. Anw, nagstart na silang mag-warm up tapos ako nakanta sa mga pinapatugtog ni Marja. Gusto ko siyang sabihan ng goodluckpero siyempre ang off nun. Kaya umakyat ni Ate Catt sa taas para manood ng game pero grabe ang tagal bago magsimula. Bumaba si ano. And bumaba rin ako nung magsisimula na yung game kasi pinatawag sa akin ni Laird si ano. Tinawag ko siya sa may Sylianco and may ni-reply siya nung sinabi kong magsisimula na yung game. Ugh, lyf nga naman :c Then, bumalik na ako sa Banzon at nakipag-usap ako kina Ate Catt at Buh. Sabay kami ni Ate Catt umalis and sinamahan niya ako sa Ato’s.

Pagkarating ko sa bestfriend ko, nagpPS4 siya. Naglaro siya ng RE7 and RE2. Tapos tamang nood lang ng YT. Sumakit likod ko, umay. Tapos pumunta na kami sa kwarto and natulog lang yata ako, hayz. Pagkagising ko tamang pagre-ready lang para makauwi. Muntikan nang mawala ulit earphones ko, hayz. Nothing much happened pero oks lang. Tamang usap lang volleyball pagkahatid niya sa akin sa sakayan.

And may mga ginawa akong katangahan, hakhak. Pero nagtataka ako kasi parang ‘di siya aware na ako yun.

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nhicaatienza-blog · 6 years

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the questions and story of us

1. Is it hard for you to accept the fact that he left you?

- Yes at first kasi I don’t have any idea na we’re gonna end up like this. Real sudden kasi we are perfectly fine, it is true nga na “expect the unexpected”kasi not all will go your way. Pero as the days passed by, I am accepting it kasi minsan mas masakit to hold on rather than to let go.

2. Do you think his reason is enough?

- Uhm at first hindi kasi yung reason talaga niya ng break-up is because of my attitude daw and nawalan siya ng gana but he didn’t said the exact reason why all of a sudden ganon. Pero kasi since I noticed his attitude was not the usual him, I suspected him na there is something really wrong. Until yun I found out everything.

3. Do you have any regrets?

- Siguro kung meron man is yun yung I trusted him ng sobra. Kasi if you love one person diba, you trust them kahit na it’s killing you and you trusted them to pull the trigger and until your dead. Haha. Pero all in all wala kasi sa loob ng 1 year and 8 months, he’s the one I needed the most and he made me happy naman. I’m still thankful despite of what happened.

4. If there will be a time that you will go back to where it started, what will you change in order for your relationship to last?

- For me siguro yung mindset na not all have the same heart as yours kasi nag-expect ako na all of my efforts will be returned. Actually kasi siya yung ganto sakin nung una, yung ligawan moments and yung kukuhanin niya palang ako, so I tried returning the favor, nung ako na yung na sa position niya, I gave back all of what he have done yet kulang pa pala yun. We should not expect na what we do will be reciprocated. Saka wala naman dapat baguhin, kasi tatanggapin mo naman yung tao kung ano siya eh diba?

5. What’s the biggest thing you did for him?

- Siguro naman lahat big thing? Jk. One is, I broke the rules of my parents which I lied to them na he’s my boyfriend, tho alam naman nila na suitor ko siya but still ayon. HAHA. And the second is that I fought for his name kahit everyone said na he’s not good for me. Siguro kaya masakit hindi dahil may iba but it’s because pinaglaban mo siya against the world and mahirap mag adjust na the person you prayed and cried to God is gone. Saka pala ito, big thing sakin na bumitaw kasi kahit hindi ko gusto, pero kailangan.

6. What if he comes back?

- Really ba? Parang he won’t. Haha. Uhm until now hindi ko alam eh. Hindi ko masagot yan, pero if ever man, maybe everything will not be the same. Panibagong simula, panibagong tao na makikilala namin sa isa’t-isa kasi a lot has changed. May gasgas na eh, there are scars pa din that will never be erased kasi that reminded me that I survived without him.

7. Did you already forgive him?

- Yes naman even before he said sorry. We all deserve naman to forgive kasi at one time, we will be needing that forgiveness too. Kung si God nga nagpapatawad sating tao, ako pa kaya? Haha. You can forgive but do not forget hehe.

8. Mahal mo pa ba?

- Hindi ko din alam eh. I know all of you won’t believe me if I said no. Haha. Di naman nawawala ang pagmamahal, nababawasan lang hanggang sa makalimot ka na and hanggang sa di mo namalayan na ubos na pala yung pagmamahal mo for that person.

9. If there will be a chance, babalikan mo pa ba?

- There were a little hope in me na bumalik but my brain says hindi na, kasi sabi nga nila, true love stays. If he’s not the right person, he won’t leave naman diba? Hindi ko din alam kasi I had enough and hindi ko alam kung paano ko kakayanin pa if ever that mistake will be repeated again.

10. Ready ka na ba mag open sa iba?

- I would love to. But honestly no pa kasi syempre as a respect na din sakanya, ang aga pa para maghanap ha! And no, I don’t want them to suffer like me. Ang hirap mag invest ulit sa panibagong tao tapos iiwan ulit. Siguro kapag buo na ako ulit, kapag okay na ang lahat, kapag kaya ko na. I don’t use people just for me to move on. Hindi ko gawain manakit ng tao just because I’m hurting. Hindi ko alam din paano pa kasi naubos na ako. Haha

11. Did you plan for your future together?

- Yes. Kasi he said to me na sabay naming tutuparin pangarap naming dalawa. I saw him kasi as my future, before. Pero siguro it’s God’s will kaya nangyare lahat ng ‘to. Hindi man kami sa future, but I’m glad to be part of his past kahit papano.

12. If there is to blame, is it you or him?

- Both naman have caused harm eh. I believed. He lied. Siguro dahil nagtiwala ako kaya masisisi ko din sarili ko. Wala naman ding mali sa decision niya na iwan ako kasi nagmahal lang din siya, hindi na nga lang ako. Both are responsible for our mistakes.

13. Have you done your part?

- Oo naman. Sabi niya din naman hindi ako nagkulang, sobra daw ako. Siguro hindi lang yun enough para mag stay siya. And sabi nga nila, you will never be enough for the wrong person. Kaya siguro kahit gawin mo lahat, hangga’t hindi siya yung para sayo, it’s worthless.

14. What was your favorite memory with him?

- Lahat? Haha. Pero kung meron man top 3, first is yung birthday ko nung 2017 kasi that was the first time na umabot yung manliligaw ko sa birthday ko. HAHA and siya yung nakasama ko the wholeday and sa simbahan kami unang pumunta. Second is yung LS Cup which is my last year sa school and first niya, and he made me so proud and he made me go to school everyday( which is unusual.) Haha. The last was nung nag starbucks kami dec 2017 I think, kasi there we talked about many things, like deep talks and all plus dun ko siya nawitness umiyak because of me. Hahaha.

15. What was the best thing he had given you?

- All the material things he gave me were vulnerable. Pero yung pinakafavorite ko (until now I’m wearing it) the brown rosary bracelet kasi it symbolizes that God is with me everyday kahit na wala na siya sa tabi ko. And if hindi man material thing, the best thing he gave me is yung pagmamahal na hindi ko naramdaman before.

16. How much did you love him?

- Hindi ko masukat eh. Haha. Even God knows how much I loved him. Hehe. I prayed for him more than myself. I loved him more than anything in this world.

17. What was the favorite character of him that made you fall in love?

- He’s such a jolly person kasi. Walang oras na hindi ka tatawa sakanya. Siguro dahil before, I longed for happiness, sakanya ko nakita yung sarili ko na sobrang saya. He’s a positive thinker as well, kapag down ako, malungkot or all, inaaliw niya ko hanggang sa nakalimutan kong malungkot ako. And lastly, he can read me, he knows me very well, alam kapag malungkot ako, pag galit ako, pag gutom ako at pag pagod ako.

18. What was the last message you sent to each other?

- Even if there are problems or issues between us, at kahit wala na kami, we still respect each other.

19. What is your last wish for him?

- Tamang tama he’ll turn 19 sa March 15, I wish him the best in life even if it does not include me anymore. I still wish him happiness, yung happiness na hindi niya nakita sakin. Keep on aiming high and do not give up on your dreams future engineer and future athlete. Sana you will understand what you want kasi no one will understand you if you yourself can’t.

20. What are your realizations from this experience?

- I learned to forgive even if it caused me so much pain. Ako kasi yung tipo ng tao na nagagalit pero nagpapatawad pero hindi ako nakakalimot. I learned to fight everyday kasi hello hindi madali matulog ng umiiyak asking saan ka nagkulang at gumising ng malungkot iisipin bakit ako pa. I learned to be strong, ay mali, stronger kasi this is a battle na ako lang din yung makakatapos. Dito ko nalaman at nakita yung mga taong nagmamahal sakin ng totoo, na kahit naiwan ako, they served as my strength para bumangon ulit. Saka if one thing is meant to be, it will find a way. Kahit mawala man, it will find a way back to you. But if not, God will remove you on a situation which is not healthy for you. Every day I learn to love myself more and more, I found happiness within myself. I found my self-worth. I found my strength. And I am still learning to live and smile again.

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benefits1986 · 6 years

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Still, Your Heartaches Bend

Research shows that the Christmas season is the same season where hearts break and relationships come to an end. For some weird reasons, I have been in contact with 7 people who have ended their relationships which are considered to be long-term. Of course, I exert much effort to hear out their heartbreak stories that usually end up in monologues wherein they are often too caught up with the pain --whether it be real or the phantom kind of pain.

Ang daming reasons why. Both walang kwenta at magagandang kwentong ang sarap gawing katha. But, the thing is, there are more heartbreaking stories that make my resting bitch face move. The past months, I made a pact to go beyond the screens I have been trying to marry into my routine thinking I’m all green and go on this battlefield. Mali pala all the while. I ache for real things that allow me to see beyond what is always quantified. That said, here are the things that to me, put any “oh-gosh-my-relationship-with-so-and-so-came-to-an-end” stories to shame, shame, shame: ARAY NA ‘KO STORY 01 At the ever-kainis Multi stoplight at the area of C-5 extension, I handed over a carrot muffin to a random beggar. I was extremely hungry but decided to give it away because I found it too sweet plus the fact that sabi nga, when it hurts (as in ang sakit ng tiyan ko because I had to rush to QC before rush hour that time), that’s the time when giving is real kahit ang babaw lang. The beggar got it and she took out a bottle of water and immediately ate the muffin. Medyo nagalangan pa ako that time kasi I had two bites na sa muffin. Inisip ko pa sana hindi siya laway-conscious kasi nakakahiya. Though I can barely see her facial expression because she shielded her face with a shirt due to the bipolar weather, I froze on the spot. ‘Yung simpleng dahilan na super sweet lang ng carrot muffin na halagang Php 13.00 sa hypermarket, ang layo ng tinawid. Random things can lead you to see things that you often overlook or choose not to look at.

ARAY NA ‘KO STORY 02 In a world where using a landline causes neck strain and that “ang-init-na-ng-pakiramdam-ng-ears-ko” feeling, had to talk to an elderly lady to update her regarding something involving an emergency. After giving her a rundown of the things she wants to know and the things she needs to know, she shared how sad it is to be regarded as a pabigat and a villain in a complicated story. She kept on saying that she feels like contrary to people who’d want to live and see their old age, here she is, being attacked because she’s not as strong, not as lucrative and not as sharp as before. Beshiekeyk, napatigil ako pero hindi ako sumuko, so I joked her, “’Nay, akin na lang lupa mo para tapos ang usapan. Walang gulo. Everybody happy?” She laughed out loud and told me na loko raw talaga ako. And I replied naman that at least I made her laugh the laugh that made me swallow a little harder than usual. She told me she missed having me around.

ARAY NA ‘KO STORY 03 It was 9:30 AM in an island in Siargao and while my tummy grumbled while waiting for brunch that took forever to arrive, Red Horse Litro muna and rum Coke on the side. I was talking to a local there and he shared that Manila made him leave the best place on earth thinking that there’s something better than this paradise. He talked about his expectation and how those expectations burn to ground as soon as his plane landed in Manila. To many, this may seem so petty, but when you look at him really well, beshiekeyk, seryoso talaga siya. He thought he’d finally have the big leap in the city, instead, he found himself questioning how city dwellers are able to live in such kind of situations and conditions. Nausog naman ‘yung ego at puso ko sa remark niya na ‘yun. I asked him what his goal is now that he’s back and he smiled, stretched out his arms and legs, chugged another glass of Red Horse and said that he wants to see the best reviews of his work in TripAdvisor. I told him that he won’t be able to get decent sleep if that’s his goal. He laughed and said, oo nga raw. He checks it every single day before he sleeps kaya ‘dina siya makatulog.

ARAY NA ‘KO STORY 04 “I want to go home because I can’t afford to see my kids living this kind of life,” he said. I asked, “Are you sure you won’t walk out again?”. He replied,”Kung pride, marami ako niyan, pero sasairin ko na. Hindi ko kaya pala talaga.” And they lived happily ever after...not. He had to start from nothing because he basically had nothing. I reminded him that while family stories can go really dark, crazy and hazy, it will come through. The dad gave him a really, really tough time. Daig pa HIIT bootcamp in all levels, literally and figuratively. At first, he almost walked out again, but he’s no longer the kid. He realized that there’s something way bigger than his ego pala much to his surprise and the rest of the world. It was and still is a struggle, but I guess, the best ever part is that just a few months ago, his dad commended him. Proud father daw siya sa anak niya. Nadapa. Natuto. At bumabangon. Lumalaban. For a dad who is too stern to the point that his definition of “gabi na” is the moment the sun is literally out, this is a legit achievement unlocked.

ARAY NA ‘KO STORY 05 “'Nak, masama ba ako?”, the dad asked out of the blue. “Dad, Netflix and chill day tayo. Ano ‘yan?”, the daughter replied. She can clearly see that his father misses his wife who passed away six years ago. The daughter who loves sarcasm to bits tried to save the ball as she teased him, “Pakasal ka lang ulit. Wala na e. Finish na.” The dad said,”Hindi naman kasi ganun ‘yun.” The kid who is to grow up replied,”Touch move na kasi, dad. We have to move forward otherwise, ano na lang tayo?” The daughter made a beeline to the restroom and breathed heavily. The dad stared into the TV. The end of antoher Big Bang rerun came.

ARAY NA ‘KO STORY 06 “Wala naman kasi akong pupuntahan after nito. Ang tagal ko na ring nag-invest dito hindi lang ng oras pati ‘yung pagkatao ko,” sabi niya. Hearing this from someone who has made an obvious stride career-wise, beshiekeyks, parang napapatid ‘yung hearstrings ko. I cannot imagine how one job title can actually strip someone off their confidence and worse, their self-concept. Naging alipin na lang sila hindi ng pangarap nila, pero ng kung ano mang na-absorb nilang toxicity sa workspace nila. Having the wrong career choice is much like having a toxic romantic relationship. You can always choose to stay in it, but you find yourself drowning and feeling so dead inside it. You can always say that you have someone, that you belong to something you’ve worked so hard for, but you also know that you’ve been punishing yourself too much. You’re often caught in between thinling if you’re too entitled or that you’re simply being human.

These kinds of heartaches are the most toxic, I think because truth be told, you waste your time most in going after whatever that you define as a success in your career. Kakaloka these kinds of stories and sharings talaga. Everytime I go to Makati van terminal or BGC bus stop area, I can’t help but see a sea of walking dead people instead of the lifeblood of the economy. Chararat lang talaga e.

ARAY NA ‘KO STORY 07 “Bakit single ka pa rin?” I asked over a dinner featuring Vietnamese food in Maginhawa. My friend replied, “Magulang ko nga ‘di ako tanggap e, aasa pa ba ako sa iba?”. I was taken aback so I followed up with, “Ha? Alam na nila? Paano? Kelan? Saan?”. Naloka ako, beshiekeyks because the parents are super legit devout of a church-I-would-not-choose-to-name. “Ang hirap-hirap. Hindi ko naman kasi ito ginusto tapos sabi sa akin, bakit hindi ko raw kasi pinigalan. Bakit daw ‘yung iba, kaya namang itama ‘yung pagkatao nila,” he shared as fat tears fell down his puffy cheeks. I joked, “Nakakaiyak ba ‘yung pagka-miss natin sa Hanoi pati sa food trip doon? ‘Di ba legit ‘yung resto na ito, kaya ka ganyan?”. He smiled and said, “Kaya ikaw gusto ko sinasabihan ng ganito, gago ka lang lagi.” I told him that naiiyak kasi ako so I had to skidaddle my way out. He retorted na obvious naman and that he can see my tears which are welling up na in my eye.

I was fighting back the tears because I felt so bad for him PLUS it also hit me that I am extremely lucky to have friends and family who don’t force me to be straight as hell. While I get the ocassional lines saying that I should be this and not that, they’re pretty much very accepting of who I am which is way, way more than my gender preference. Grabe lang talaga makakita ng mga tao na rejected mismo ng pamilya nila lalo na ‘pag kitang-kita mong mahal na mahal nila ‘yung pamilya nila.

After a long pause, he told me, “Kaya ako single ng ganito katagal, dahil sa kanila. Ayoko silang ma-disappoint na naman sa akin. I tried naman talgang pigilan. Desenteng tao ako, alam mo ‘yan. I don’t fuck around. Pero ‘yung mga ganitong bagay, ‘di talaga napipigilan e.”

Shucks. My hypothalamus is off to the heartbreak ER. I need Greys Anatomy level of care because I died inside at that very moment.

To be continued...

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voicelessletters · 7 years

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An Essay for 2017

Another year has come by. It may sound cliché as it is, but indeed time flies so fast. I didn’t even realize that 2017 has gone now. It’s is so fast, I can’t evaluate how I was doing last year. While writing this essay, all I can think of is 2017 is such a messy year. The last leg of 2017 is rough for me and I think that’s why I’m feeling this way upon closing this year. This made me forget how blessed I was and how 2017 had brought me unimaginable opportunities.

2017, I can remember how we welcomed you. The usual loud, festive, and colorful New Year’s Eve. Everyone was hoping for a great year and very positive. I remember posting a photo of me telling myself that I couldn’t wait for more pimples to come because my skin’s breaking out so bad that time, hahahaha. In 2017, I experienced one of the challenging stages of student life. That year, I’m a graduating student. At that time, I was having this extreme feeling of anxiety because we’re going to have our comprehensive exam which was going to determine whether you’ll graduate or you’ll stay. I was anxious about failing, I didn’t want to fail my family and myself who had always thought that I was a prodigy, a potential genius who has lost it all. Sobra akong natatakot that time. But with faith and a little work, I was able to graduate which I should be thankful for 2017. After graduation here comes the real thing, the board examination. I thought that I already felt the heaviest pressure on my shoulder during the comprehensive exam, but it’s not! Board exam is the real deal so I enrolled myself in a review center. In my head, I was really motivated, I have plans and all, but I’m such a lazy person to the extent na I was not putting that motivation into work. The pressure was too much, I’m starting to get emotional about everything every day. Nasa bahay lang ako, nagbabasa basa while my batchmates were earning money and employed while reviewing. That made things worse, sila kaya nilang magreview while working, ako hindi. Anxiety attacked me again, hardcore. Fortunately, I passed the board exam! Pero up until now, I know I could’ve done better, I could’ve worked harder, and reviewed more. A little ounce of disappointment and regret is flowing inside of me, yet this is another thing that I am thankful for 2017. After that, I got my first job as a post-baccalaureate-person. It’s far from home which made things a little sad. Having the job made me feel like a real adult. I am now starting to think of the things that really matters. I am starting to divide my salary in my head earlier to the actual pay day. Hahahaha ang hirap pala talaga. And do you know what’s the real indicator that you’re getting old? Yun yung feeling mo kulang ka lagi sa oras, parang everything runs fast in the blink of seconds. Pakiramdam mo, kulang ka sa tulog, kulang pa yung shower time mo, kulang pa yung lunch break mo, kulang pa yung travel time mo, and all the shit. SOBRANG STRESSFUL! PERO, at the end of the day I am thankful for getting a job and able to help at home. If you can notice, ang dami kong side of negativities along my way. Again, the last leg of my year has been stressful, emotional, and heartbreaking which makes me sadder kasi I’m not like this. I am very positive in welcoming a new year. And being that person, I’m still not giving up on myself.

Sa aking nakapa-emotional at sensitive na sarili, 2017 may had been a tough one but look, you survived and managed to get away with it LOL. There are a lot of things to be thankful for. You shouldn’t link this new year to the last emotional struggles you’ve had last year. Get yourself a brand-new start, be that kid again who’s so positive about new beginnings. You might have aged but let your heart be the same. This 2018, remember the statement you randomly heard from a Youtuber that happiness is a choice. Na no matter what the circumstances might bring you, you should always go to team happiness kasi if you’re going to rely your happiness to the circumstances, you might die early due to heart attack. Hahaha, sobrang stressed na ng mundong eto, wag ka ng sumabay. This year, don’t just bring the positivity but be the motivation that you’ve always wanted. Invest to intrinsic motivation, build a strong relationship with yourself – you need no one. Masyado ka ng naging malungkot last year, at aminin na natin na partly naging choice mo yun. But let’s comeback stronger ika nga nila. 2017, eto din yung year that fed up my insecurities. The year na everyone is trying to be perfect, air-brushed, and all “that beautiful” shit. That was the year when if you have acne, frizzy hair, skinny, dark-skinned, and have a little fat in your body, you’re called ugly. This new year, I will love myself more. I will make sure that I will see the beauty that everyone has tried to take away from me. And to all who’ve been trying to narrow down the definition of beauty and perfection, we’re still here, the scarred ones, the dark-skinned, the people who are deemed to be ugly, to bend the standards of beauty. This goes to my boys and my girls who felt imperfect or less beautiful than others. This 2018, find happiness and contentment to little things. And like what I’ve always prayed to God, be a little kinder and more understanding to others. If you’ll be the same as others, the change you always craved for will never be granted to you. Don’t just wait for the change, give birth to the change you’ve always wanted. Hindi natin alam na yung simpleng ngiti natin sa isang stranger ay makakapag-pagaan na ng nararamdaman nila. At syempre, ang 2017 has been a rollercoaster ride for my faith. But I’m still here, thinking about God while writing this. And I want to thank you Lord God for not letting me down even though I’ve sinned and neglected you multiple times. Thank you for keeping my grip lasts until I’ve become strong again. Maraming Salamat po, I can’t wait for another year with You.

2018, I’m not wishing you to be good or kind to me contrary, I want you to throw me the best you got. I may not succeed but at least I will learn and experience. This 2018, I will not be the best version of myself, but I will be the person that will make myself proud and happy (because we can’t really measure what’s “best”). This new year, I will talk more to strangers, I will be kinder, I will fucking mind my own business (di na ako magiging chismoso hihi), I will be more human, and I will love myself. Don’t ask for someone/something, own this year and make your 2018 beautiful.

#bye2017 #2018 #01012018 #thoughts #essay

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jelyaaan · 7 years

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...So done with plottwists...

“Patapos na yung taon, 2017 pahingi naman ng plot twist”

“My 2017 is so boring. My gosh”

Yun yung mga tweets or posts na lagi kong nababasa sa social media. My gosh no? Hahaha kainggit. Bakit? Kasi Im so done with 2017. Puro plot twist lang ang nangyari and nothing was stable.

I was very optimistic nung Jan. 1, 2017. Kasi hello, new year new me. Hahaha I was so determined to reach tons of goals. Hindi lang para sakin, kundi para sa Acads ko, at sa community kung san ako nagsimulang mag appreciate ng buhay.

Before I continue, gusto ko lang sabihin na do not ever blame life for anything. Kasi life is so damn beautiful. Not because I have amazing family and friends, pero kasi its wonderfully unknown. And you can mold your life. Kaya ang wonderful nya.

Okay to continue. The year started of great! That was my second sem in my university and not to brag pero grabe ako mag focus non. Legit hahahahaha Sobrang tutok din ako mga members ko. Kaya I know the year started pf great.

Pero sabi nga nila, minsan ang life parang wheel. Minsan nasa taas ka, minsan nasa baba ka.

Well, tama nga naman HAHA minsan nasa taas ka nga naman.

After second sem, I became a University Scholar! Grabe bes yung talon ko nun kasi I know I worked my ass off at my gosh HAHAHAH hirap na hirap ako non kasi may mga class ako na lagi akong pinapag recite hahahaha

then, summer came. Our youth camp was successful! Ang galing kaya ng teamleads at camp servants nun. Hahaha

then, our discovery camp was also a complete success! :) same month yun mga mamsh at isa ako sa mga camp servants. Tbh, gapang na gapang ako non hahaha pero all of it was worth it.

I had a wonderful sem and an awesome summer so I was really hyped nung mag first sem na. Hahaha

Pero... tama rin naman na minsan nasa baba ka.

First sem came. And woah sobrang naculture shock ako. First week palang may mga quizzes na jusko i kennet hahaha tbh sa first week na yon, I managed to fail 3 quizzes from different subjects ata. Kasi hello first week? Nagbabakasyon pa utak ko 😂

The sem went on at unti unti na kong kinakain ng sarili kong insecurities. I was not confident. Umabot sa point na bobong bobo ako sa sarili ko. Legit. Minsan pumapasok ako, lalabas akong walang natutunan. Humina yung tiwala ko sa sarili ko.

Hindi lang yun. I was not a good example to my members and not a productive leader/ partner. I want to reach out. Sino ba kasing ayaw. Pero hindi ako productive. Tbh din, If I were to be given a chance to say sorry to all of them, I would. They dont deserve an Ate na hindi nag aattend sa needs nila. I love my members, and I love my responsibility. Kaya minsan kahit sobrang walang wala na ko, I always try my best na maging ate pa rin sakanila.

At syempre hindi pa dyan nagtatapos. I was involved sa issue na hindi ko naman ginusto. Dumagdag yan sa stress ko sa totoo lang. I usually do not care if I am emotionally stable or not, pero dahil dyan sa issue na yan I know that I AM NOT STABLE. Kaya sobrang nagpadala ako sa issue na yan.

At eto pinaka matinde hahahaha this is the year na iniwan na kami ng lolo ko na super idol ko at talagang nilolook up ko. Siya at si Miriam Defensor lang IDOL ko hahahaha hello captain kaya lolo ko sa coastguard dati. I flew from Manila to Bacolod para lang makilamay. At alam nyo masakit? I only got to stay there for 24 hours. Gusto ko umiyak sa airplane non pero I was not gonna cry sa public haha

To sum it all up, I was not in my best condition. Nilamon ako ng pagod, insecurities, takot na baka malaglag ako sa Accountancy, pressure not just sa acads but to perform well as a person, sakit and I gained weight hahahaha ang lakas ko kumain like legit kasi ganun ako kastress hahaha

Akala ko that was my downfall

Pero teaser lang pala yun 😂

After that sem, I cried my eyes out. I know na di ko ginalingan. Hinanda ko na nga sarili ko eh.

At alam nyo ba guys, sinimulan na ang palabas.

Dahil,

• Tanggal ako sa Accountancy program

• Tanggal ako sa scholarship

• ang layo ko na sa community

• wala na kong bilib sa sarili ko

• I was not at my best health condition (junk food pa teh)

Alam nyo, I was not completely SAD nung nalaman kong nalaglag ako sa BSA dahil sa isang subject.

Pero HAHAHA I was sooooo DEVASTATED nung nalaman ko na HINDI PALA DAPAT AKO LAGLAG.

Bakit? HAHAH

Mali lang pala yung napost na grade nung prof ko. Pasok sa quota yung totoo kong grade mga mamsh. At putek ang sakit sakit malaman non lalo na pag pinag shift ka na ng mga tao sa university nyo. Sa isang bula lang, lumabo yung daan ko papunta sa CPA title. DAHIL LANG SA PAGKAKAMALI NG IBA, at hindi dahil sakin.

Sakit no? Hahaha alam nyo mas masakit pa dyan?

Di na ako scholar. Potek, laglag na nga tanggal pa sa scholarship. Sakin yan masakit. Kasi I was thinking about my parents. Sobrang ayaw ko na isipin nila ako masyado. Sobrang nasaktan ako non kasi kaya ko gusto maging scholar para sakanila.

Nagsimula ang sem sobrang ang gulo ng buhay ko. Lagapak ang lola mo eh. Tapos yung crush ko bading pa :( hahaha charot. Sobrang lungkot ko. AS IN LEGIT SOBRA.

I started to question things pa nga eh.

Ano ba kasi pinaglalaban ko?

Para ba talaga ako dito?

Kaya ko pa ba?

Kilala ko pa ba sarili ko?

Ano na balak ko?

Pero I was firm pa nun. Di ako papatibag sabi ko hahaha nakakangiti pa nga ako eh nakakapag joke pa

Pero I know di ko na kinakaya yung nangyayari sakin. Too much is going on. Sobra na. Hahahaha

Until ngayon na naramdaman ko na nasa edge na ko ng cliff.

I was starting to recover. Ngayon pa lang hahaha. Sinasabi ko sa sarili ko, babawi ako kayla mama, babawi ako sa community, babawi ako sa mga friends ko, babawi ako sa sarili ko, babawi ako kay Lord.

Pero ang hirap pala. Kasi hindi ko pa rin pala kaya. School is eating me alive. I cannot contain how shitty I feel everytime people will ask me “Oh, BSAct ka na?” Like parang kasalanan non yon.

Nawalan ako ng vision. Sa sarili ko. Sa community. Hindi ako nawalan ng gana ha? Pero alam kong minsan parang tama na. Hindi na ko productive leader sakanila at napapafeel ko pa ng pain yung ibang tao sa paligid ko.

To this day, I dont know how to recover. When to recover. Where to recover from. Its too much eh. Marami na kong nasaktan. LEGIT. Nasirang friendship, relationship. Kahit di ko yon fault talaga. I am still involved.

Nilalamon pa rin ako ng insecurities ko. Ng takot ko. Ng pagkawalang hope ko. Ng worries ko. Ng pain ko. So tama na, 2017. Hahaha tama naplot twist kasi pagod na ko. Tama na yung plot twist kasi hindi naman na ako lalaban. Let me end strong. Tama na. Thanks lol

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