Talk fast, romance!
synopsis: you and minghao know that your one-night heated romance won't last, but you're both okay with that. at least for a while.
pairing: minghao x gn reader
wc: 3,7 k
genre/aus: fluff; suggestive
warnings: mentions of alcohol, mentions of sex, slightly suggestive, cursing (reader swears a lot), slightly based on the song "talk fast" by 5sos
— C'mon, this is boring, you can admit it. — The boy you just met whispers, a fainting smile in his plump lips - those which you've been staring at for the last half an hour, at least that was harsh to admit. The party was, indeed, boring, and the guy in front of you has been the only amusement you've had this night so far.
— I'm not saying it's not! I know it is. — You surrender, letting out an embarrassed laugh. — I'm just not sure I want to run away with... someone.
— With a stranger, you mean. — He implies, raising one of his eyebrows. You feel your cheeks heating, and you're glad about the very dim lights of the house you too are in, or else he'd see your messy state towards him. — I know it's weird, sorry, I shouldn't have asked.
— No! It's not that, it's just... — You start, wanting to explain yourself. You take a deep breath and stare at the dark pair of eyes in front of you. He's been so reliable the whole night, ever since he approached you for the first time when he saw you standing there, completely dislocated.
"I think my friends lowkey hate me", he said, scooching closer to you. "They just left me in the most dull party in the world."
It didn't seem like he was talking to you specifically, but more like a general affirmation out of despair. Nevertheless, you laughed at his situation, making him stare at you.
"Same."
"I'm Minghao." he presented himself, smiling at you, probably happy for the response.
"Hi, Minghao. So... you also made bad decisions tonight?"
"You have no idea."
Since this, you've talked about numerous topics, all diverse and different from the other. It was impressive: you two just clicked. It was as if something sparked between the two bored and self-sufficient souls of that party, and you started having more fun than you've had in like, weeks.
And now, he was kind of suggesting that you two make another bad decision that night: leave. Although you felt like Minghao could not be a bad person at all, you still had an uncertainty about this. What if...?
— It's just that... I don't usually, you know. — You try yet again to explain, feeling a wave of embarrassment rush through you. Thank God you had some drinks earlier that evening in the hope of enjoying this lame-ass party, because now they could help bring you courage to say the words: — I don't usually sleep with guys like that. In the same night.
I mean, you kind of wanted that. Maybe pass through it for the first time. Minghao made you feel it: he was just so interesting and attractive. You didn't feel ready yet, though, and your lack of one-night stand experiences made you nervous enough to overthink that. At least for now.
— Oh... — He opened his mouth, searching for words. — I was thinking of maybe getting some drinks or eating something...like, when I asked.
Then you wanted to dunk your head in the nearest trash can - but even that you couldn't do, since a random guy just threw up in the one next to you. He wasn't asking you for that, silly. How could you even think about it?
— I-I'm sorry, I thought-
— It's fine. — He shrugs, trying his best not to make the conversation even weirder. — I'm kind of flattered that you considered me for that, and don't get me wrong, you're totally my type, I just wasn't thinking of rushing things like that for now.
You laugh nervously, itching the back of your hand a little. Well, at least you know you're totally his type now. Points for me!
— I guess I ruined the conversation, right? — You joke, trying to ease things.
— You know how you could fix it? By letting me take you to this nice food stand I know. — Minghao offers once more.
You didn't know it yet, but he was completely mesmerized by you. Never in his life he felt this instant chemistry with someone else, and he hoped entirely that you felt at least a little like that too, so that you both could just drop that horrendous party that Seungcheol insisted on him going to and hit the road to anywhere you could keep your witty conversation.
You were quick, smart and laughed at his jokes. He had to spend more time with you - in an actually habitable place - even if it was just for the rest of the night. Or he knew he'd regret it forever.
— Yeah, let's just go.
— You can bring a friend if you prefer...wait, really!? — Minghao interrupts himself at your acceptance, smiling widely.
— Sure. I'm hungry and this party sucks, I mean, who made this playlist?
— Thank God. — He rolled his eyes and grabbed your hand, starting to lead you out of there. — And it was Hoshi, by the way.
— Who?
— My friend is in charge of DJing. He's just never done it before. — Minghao flashes you a last smile before turning his back to you, pulling you through the immensity of people glued together. You throw out a little laugh and let yourself be pulled away to what could be either the best night of your life or something you'd regret immensely.
The feeling of Minghao's hand in yours makes your body shriek in euphoria. The heat of the place, combined with the heat of the contact made you feel secure. Yeah, it's definitely going to be the first alternative.
✦ . ⁺ . ✦ . ⁺ . ✦
— I swear it was right here. — Minghao emphasizes, pointing at the ground next to him. You smile, a bit shy. After so much swearing, you knew he wasn't lying, but it was still a little odd that the first place he wanted to take you to was a totally empty street. — Man, they serve the best tteokbokki in town, I can't believe they're not here tonight out of all nights.
— It's fine, we could go somewhere else.
— I'm so sorry about that. — He shrugs, defeated. — If you want to just go home, I understand-
The boy is interrupted by some loud laughter followed by other big laughter and people's sounds. He carefully moves to glance behind, and your attention goes to the unlit alley adjacent to the street you both were at. Minghao raises an eyebrow, smiling at you and running to grab your hand once again that night.
He pulls you through the alley and you take a deep breath, fully trusting the guy leading you.
You pass through the dark small street only to be greeted with countless colorful lights. A whole avenue completely filled with food trucks and food stands, people all over the place, laughing, eating, and having fun. The smokes coming out of barbecue stands and fires lit through the estabilishments heat the cold of the evening and you feel almost overwhelmed when Minghao turns to you, smiling proudly.
— I told you so.
Your mouth opens completely, half by shock and half because you were really starving. All the different smells, the sights of food, the neon lights that surrounded the buildings around you and the colorful tents full of people were a blast to your senses, and seeing Minghao all smiley was definitely a plus - he looked so cute.
You shake your own thoughts, trying to be rational for the first time in the night. It’s fine, this was an adventure with a pretty guy - but it won’t last forever. It’s likely that the both of you don’t ever get to see or talk to each other again after this night, so keeping your hopes on the low is the intelligent decision to make now. After all, this is what relationships are now - how would you know that Minghao actually wanted more from you than just a nice evening? He probably wouldn’t, anyways.
“That’s okay”, you think, letting him guide you through the stands as you barely have time to contemplate the vision passing right behind you, “I’ll take what I can get from this.”
The boy stops all of a sudden, causing you to almost bump into him. Minghao closes his eyes as he absorbs the familiar smell of his favorite street-food and you can swear his skin glows more than it seemed like at the party - or maybe that’s just an effect of the iridescent street.
— We’re here. — He affirms, smiling. You smile back, looking at the small orange tent with a metal small truck underneath. An elderly lady hummed silently as she flipped the sticks of tteokbokki on the spicy sauce of her improvised kitchen. The smell was, indeed, amazing, and the vapor coming out of the fire she had lit made your face heat up a little bit as you approached the stand.
Minghao made the order for you, adding some beverages and other couple snacks. Both you and him decided to skip the alcohol, since the drinks you’ve had at the party were already sinking in, and being drunk in the middle of the street wasn’t exactly what you wished for.
And down deep, you hoped that Minghao skipped the alcohol for the sole reason of remembering the night. And remembering you. But you tried not to feed these ideas.
— Shit. — You distractedly whimper as the rice dough fills your mouth, completely steaming and completely spicy. Minghao widens his eyes, pouting a little in your direction as he helps you blow the stick once more, in hopes of making it colder and edible. After you can finally cool off your mouth, you let out some laughter, being followed by the boy in front of you.
— Hey, be careful. — He warns, half kind and half teasing. You feel the pit of your stomach bubbling with something, but you try to believe it was just the hot food entering your systems. — So, what do you think? — Minghao points at the place surrounding you, and you almost sigh in contemplation.
— So much better than that damn party. — It’s all you can say, receiving a loud and gorgeous laugh from him. — And the food is great, too.
— I knew you’d like it. — He smiles tenderly. — Everyone does.
You hum in response, nodding as you take another bite from the stick. Minghao watches you intently, somewhat mesmerized that he had the guts to ask you out so suddenly. He wasn’t used to being a rushed or impatient person. He felt a little weird, but in a nice way he couldn’t really explain.
— Twenty-one question game. — He suggests before he can even stop himself. Your shy smile reveals you liked his idea, and Minghao shifts in the small bench of the tent to take a better look at you. — Favorite color?
✦ . ⁺ . ✦ . ⁺ . ✦
— Your oldest memory? — Minghao asks, strolling casually next to you through the familiar alley you’ve passed before. After some more eating and drinking, such as countless games and questions that turned infinite - since none of you were tired of hearing each other - you decided to head somewhere else. Where? You still had no idea.
— Well…I remember my old house’s garden very vividly. And butterflies I guess. — You let yourself be surrounded by the darkness of the narrow street, distancing yourself from the noises and lights of the food market. The nocturne air turns colder as you both walk, and you glance at the full moon above you.
— Gosh, you’re so cute. — Minghao giggled, amused. You try to repress a smile, but fail.
— What’s your oldest memory? — You change the topic of the conversation, turning to look at Minghao abruptly. Not expecting your agility, Minghao is caught by surprise when you bump into his chest, tripping and almost falling to the ground. He is quick to hold onto one of your wrists, pulling you closer by the waist.
He barely reacts to your proximity, still smiling fondly until he realizes the dubious smile you had in your lips as you analyzed his face so closely. Minghao’s smile disappears little by little, focusing too much on your lips and in the fresh air surrounding you both in the empty alley as your breaths mixed slowly.
You lift your chin slightly to deviate your look from his lips to his eyes, but Minghao is faster and leans on, brushing your lips softly as he waits for confirmation. You close the space between you, taking his lips on yours fully and eagerly as his grip on your wrist turns lighter, releasing your hand to grab your face. His other hand stops at your waist, caressing the spot as he pulls you even closer, feeling your bodies completely glued together.
Your lips move in sync and you could swear at this moment you’ve never felt this much chemistry with anyone else - it’s as if a new world revealed itself to you through Minghao’s grasp on you. You pull some strands of his hair as your hands run through his neck, making him shudder. Without noticing it, he softly led you until your back met one of the walls of the alley. The pressure against you helped you regain forces, deepening the kiss and earning a groan from Minghao.
Your hands were quick, and so were your heartbeats. Minghao’s hand that relaxed at your waist fell silently to your ass, grabbing it slowly while waiting for a refusal or a complaint that didn’t come. At this point, he could genuinely take you home. You’d say yes. Fuck if you weren’t into one-night stands. Fuck everything. You were enjoying this night much more than you could’ve ever imagined and you didn’t want it to end.
A loud metallic noise echoed right next to you both, startling you. Minghao suddenly distanced himself to take a look at whoever had interrupted you and you almost cursed at the cold that you felt without him. Your eyes widened, feeling the embarrassment for being caught in such a delicate situation.
That was when your vision settled on a small, furry thing, clumsy between the trash cans.
— Fuck. — You bring your hand to your chest, feeling your blood flowing through every vein. — It’s a kitten. Cute. — You try to shake away the awkwardness as Minghao turns back at you to release the most adorable laugh you’ve ever heard coming through someone’s lips. The lips you’ve just kissed.
Suddenly, your heart skips a beat. How could he be so endearing? And you didn’t even know him!
— My grandmother knitting. — He blurts out, smiling at you as he backs away to give you some space. — The oldest memory, I mean.
— Perfect. — You smile in amusement, straightening up and distancing yourself from the wall behind you.
— Shall we go? — He suggests opening the path for you.
— Wait, I know a place close to here! — You exclaimed, excited. Minghao just nodded as you took the lead this time.
✦ . ⁺ . ✦ . ⁺ . ✦
— I don’t think this is going to work… — Minghao pronounces it rationally, but a bit of apprehension escapes from his mouth, making you giggle. You turn to look at him, clumsily walking down through the rocks of the small hill. You extend one of your hands, offering help, but Minghao does not accept it, promising he’s fine.
You finish your way down, getting to your secret spot as the boy behind you follows. The small pavement below the bridge was perfect to watch the late night city lights reflected through the thin river that passed right through it. With a sigh, Minghao stops by your side, careful not to fall into the water as he adapts.
— That’s definitely…a new perspective. — He comments, approving your location. — I’m usually on top of it. — He points at the bridge above, perfectly shielding you both in its arched form.
He could see the charm in the place. You could basically see all the city from below, but no one could see you. It felt comfortable. It also felt secretive, and that helped the tingling sensation he kept on feeling all the time he looked at you - it’s almost as if you two were the only people in the world on that night.
You breathe in the humid air, feeling it through your lungs as you enjoy the silence with Minghao. None of you said a word, but you also didn’t feel like you needed to. It was comfortable to be like this.
— I’ve never done anything like this before. — You suddenly confess, feeling easy next to the boy you had just met. The phrase was suspended into the air, but Minghao got it perfectly.
— Me neither. — He agreed, resolute.
And with that, both of you understood how special that night was. That sank into your heart, and you felt a deep urge for it not to end - which was impossible, considering the fast pace with which the hours went by. You felt a shiver through your spine, and caressed your own arms for heat. Minghao was fast to remove his own jacket and carefully put it around your shoulders, letting his hands rest in there for a few seconds. You glanced at him from up close, and he softly touched your chin, lifting it tenderly. He closed his eyes, feeling your scent and resting your foreheads together for a while. You also closed your eyes, embracing the feeling of the night - “if this is bound to end soon, I might as well live it fully”. You were the first one to initiate the kiss.
Differently from earlier, this kiss was truer, more calm and experienced than rushed and passionate. Your lips looked for each other as if they’ve been familiar for a whole lifetime. Jesus, how could you feel like this over a guy you met hours ago?
— Can we go to my place? — Minghao urged in a whisper as he broke the kiss first. You could not help but to widen your eyes at his proposition, feeling odd this time. — Trust me.
And you did.
✦ . ⁺ . ✦ . ⁺ . ✦
It was a different view of the city, for sure. Not that you were enjoying it that much from where you were at - after all, Minghao’s lap wasn’t exactly a tourist point, “but it could be…”
You moved in a hurry, your legs on both sides of his seated figure in the sun lounger as you pressed your bodies together once more. The air from the top of the building should be cold, but you couldn’t feel it if your life depended on it. Not with all the heat surrounding the both of you.
When Minghao invited you to his place, he made a risky move. You felt like accepting anything at that point, but his offer ended up being much more gentle - and now you were at the rooftop of his apartment, all alone, being nothing but gentle.
Your dress was a mess of wrinkles by now, and his jacket was long gone, thrown somewhere on the dirty floor of the open place. And, once again, your lips were on his. And you didn’t want to let it go for the world.
Your hands move fast through his torso and chest, exploring it through the fabric of his t-shirt as he presses his fingers on your waist like you are going to escape at any moment. You move your hips, feeling a heat growing in your stomach at every second now, and even though you didn’t do anything yet, you feel like you could burst.
With a soft whimper, you gasp for air, ending the kiss for a few seconds as you look at Minghao’s big eyes and swollen lips. He looks like a perfect picture, but something glowing on him catches your attention. The sunlight, coming right from behind you.
— The sun is rising! — You exclaim, excited, turning to look at the beautiful scene that unveils before your eyes, you snug next to Minghao in the sun lounger, trying to watch the mix of colors.
— I know. He does it everyday. — Minghao groans, frustrated by the lack of contact, making you laugh. You scooch even closer, leaning your head on his chest as you circle his waist with one of your arms.
You peacefully watch the sun coming up, little by little, minutes that seem like long hours. You feel Minghao’s breath above you, and his lips hover on the top of your head, leaving there a small kiss.
That’s when you realize: the night is over, and so is the dream, and so is whatever that you and Minghao had. You could talk again, you could meet through your mutual friends, but nothing would ever be this again. No night could ever be like this one. And it was over, forever.
You feel like watering your eyes because of this could freak him out. You aren’t even sure if he felt the same about you, and you don’t want to ruin the beautiful evening you guys had because of your own internal drama. Maybe he just saw you as this random girl he made out with for the night, and that’d be fine too - but you felt a tiny bit of that magical feeling tearing apart.
— I… I have to go to work. — You mumbled, decided. Minghao stiffened below you, and you felt his grip on your waist tighten a little.
— Oh, I see… — He whispers back, clearly affected, but still not letting you go. Minghao tried to come up with millions of rational and healthy reasons for you to stay - but none of them worked, and he couldn't just say the truth: that he really wanted you to stay. That he wanted to pass the day with you, and the next night too. That’d be crazy, desperate even, and he didn’t want to freak you out.
So he finally gives in, loosening the grip on you, and trying not to look devastated while doing it so. Your heart sinks feeling his hand move away, but you try to hold the disappointment in your face.
“What did you think?”, you ask yourself, “that he’d ask you to stay after you throw the most irrefutable fact on his face? that he, a rational and cool guy as he is, would ask you to skip work and stay with him?”
— I’m sorry, but… — Minghao starts, clumsily, as you tidy your clothes, ready to stand up. — Can’t you stay? I mean, do you really have to go? — He sounded hopeful. Sad, but careful.
Your eyes meet his and a silent plea fills the air as your heart races once again.
— Fuck, no. — You sigh, giving in. — I don’t.
Your smiles widen, and the morning breeze swifts gently as you feel a different type of feeling flowing.
Work can wait for a while.
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RIDE THROUGH AN AUTUMN NIGHT
Pairing: Jolly x Alice
CN: angst, grief, break up, mention of cheating, drugs, alcohol, fluff
@reyadawn @nojoyontheburn @dsireland86 @jilliemiw86 @fadingintothegrey @aubrey-melinoe
dividers by @saradika-graphics
Exhausted from lack of sleep and jet lag, Jolly stands at the car rental counter at Stockholm airport waiting to finally get the damn keys to his rental car.
The last few hours seem almost surreal to him... he's now been traveling for almost 13 hours, and on top of that he's hardly slept at all, as he left straight after the last concert in L.A., went to the airport, waited there for the next available flight to Stockholm, which fortunately wasn't fully booked and left in less than half an hour.
So now he's in Stockholm, overnighted, exhausted, without luggage, in sweatpants and a hoodie, although at this time of year, unlike in warm California, it can get pretty cold in Stockholm.
The last rays of sunshine on this sunny October day have long since faded and it is already dark.
Jolly needs nothing more than a bed and a good night's sleep, but he has to go through with what he has planned.
He is afraid that once he is asleep about everything, his courage might leave him and he knows that if he retreats now, he will probably never have the courage to do what he wants to do, needs to do.
He is now firmly convinced that he simply MUST do it. He MUST seize this opportunity, this last opportunity, to perhaps have a minimal chance of saving what he so carelessly threw away so long ago. The love and affection of Alice.
The woman who once meant the world to him and whom he first abandoned and then repressed. Repressed, not forgotten, because he could never really forget her completely.
Whether it was a one-night stand, friendship plus or a relationship after Alice, he had unconsciously compared every woman to her, as he had realized in the last few hours on the plane.
He thought long and hard and came to the conclusion that he was a huge fucking asshole who too often just wanted to have fun and live the rock star life to the full.
Whether it was women, partying or the occasional drug, alcohol.... He lived his life to the limit for a long time without showing much consideration for others. Others who should have meant something to him, meant something to him, like Alice....
FUCK, what an idiot he was.
Lately, or rather in the last two or three years, he has slowly realized that this life isn't everything, can't be everything, and he has taken a step back, no more random one-night stands, no more drugs, hardly any alcohol, hardly any parties.
Somehow he's only really grown up now, in his mid-30s, and has realized what's really important in life....
The decisive factor was actually his last failed relationship, when his girlfriend at the time accused him of only being half-hearted about it, of not fully committing to her and the relationship.
This got Jolly thinking six months ago and he realized that his heart was still attached to Alice, as his thoughts kept wandering back to her and the questions of 'what if' and 'what could have been' still dominated his thoughts and feelings.
“Right Mr. Karlsson... here are the papers I need you to sign here and here..... and here are the keys to your hire car!” smiles the young woman behind the counter, snapping Jolly out of his thoughts.
He looks at her, irritated.
“You still have to sign here and here!” she explains kindly a second time and pushes the rental agreement and the insurance contract towards Jolly.
“Um... yes, sorry, I was thinking it!” mumbles Jolly and quickly signs the papers, then has the key handed to him.
“The car is in our parking lot, right here at the airport, you can't miss it if you go straight out through the main exit.... Parking lot number 14!” explains the young woman with a smile, ”Have a nice stay in Stockholm!”
“Hmm, thanks!” nods Jolly and walks off, out of the building, where the cold, crisp fall air rushes towards him.
Jolly stops for a moment and takes a deep breath of the fresh air, closing his eyes briefly. The smell of home runs through his head and a pleasant shiver runs through his body.
Home... what does that actually mean to him now?
Is it California, L.A.?
Or is it rather Sweden....
In the past, he would have said L.A., his new home, without batting an eyelid, but right now he feels a certainty deep inside him that this is his real home, always has been and always will be.
His roots are here and perhaps it is time for him to realize what that means.
Home.... Jolly also knows that it's not just a place, a feeling, but also a person.... His home has always been Alice. With her, he felt safe, loved, understood, accepted just as he is, wasn't questioned, didn't try to change.... He was simply allowed to be himself..... just be....
He could just kick himself in the ass for throwing it away like that... God you asshole, you moron, he thinks to himself angrily!
Jolly quickly finds the car, a silver-colored SUV from Volvo... a Volvo, of course... what else here in Sweden, he thinks to himself and has to grin.
He gets in, then sets the sat nav before driving off.
Fuck, three and a half hours' drive, and it's already past 9 pm... which means he won't be in Jönköping, or rather Husqvarna, a suburb of Jönköping, until half past twelve. His old hometown, where he was born and raised, where he took his first steps in the music business with his first band, where he met and fell in love with Alice.... The place he was all too ready to leave, just as he was all too ready to leave Alice. For a career in America.... For a life to his liking..... an extraordinary life.
But this extraordinary life has been demanding a lot from him lately, almost too much if he is honest with himself.
Sighing, he turns the ignition key in the lock and starts the car, drives out of the parking lot, letting himself be guided by the voice of the navigation system in the dark, starry autumn night.
Jolly's thoughts drift back to the previous day, the concert they played, which was something of a turning point in his life, depending entirely on the outcome of the conversation Jolly wants to try and have.
Nevertheless, he already knows that no matter how the conversation turns out, he won't be the same person he was before.
Too much has happened at once, he's learned things he didn't know, never thought he would, and he's realized how much he's hurt Alice.
God, she won't listen to me anyway, probably won't even let me get a word in edgewise, if she even opens the door....
Jolly becomes uncertain.
Damn it, shouldn't he go to a hotel after all.... NO, at least he has to go to Jönköping today. He can stay in a hotel there.
He doesn't want to go to his parents, especially as they don't even know he's here. He hasn't told anyone that he's coming.
Of his bandmates, he only told Noah because he came to the conversation, if you can call it that, that he had after the concert.
Jolly is sure that Noah has told everyone by now that he had to leave urgently.
He can still remember Noah's words: “If you're going to do it, do it properly, be honest, just go completely naked if you want to have another chance with her!”
And that's exactly what he plans to do!
Kilometer after kilometer passes in the starry night. Jolly has opened the window a crack to feel the fresh, cold air on his skin and to dispel his tiredness.
He takes a few deep breaths in and out.
He reviews what has just happened in his mind's eye.
During the concert, he had already noticed the young woman standing near the barricade with her friends. The first time he consciously looked at her, he messed up the chord, which earned him an irritated look from Noah. Normally, he never messes up.
But he was too perplexed, because at first he really thought he was looking at Alice. About the same height, same figure, even the same hair color, almost exactly the same facial features.... Even the dimples when she laughed were identical.
This woman looked exactly like Alice did when he left her, nine years ago...
Jolly had to keep looking at her, which her friends also noticed and pointed out to her. The cool, disparaging look that he then received from ice-blue eyes made it clear to him that it couldn't be Alice, as Alice has green eyes, but he was familiar with this look and had already received it in the past.
From Maja, Alice's little sister, who is 10 years younger than Alice and hated him with a passion back then. That definitely hasn't changed, in fact it has intensified.
After the concert, he practically stormed off the stage, more or less threw his guitar into Josh's arms and went down to the barricade, but Maja and her friends were nowhere to be seen.
Fuck... he just has to find them and ask for Alice....
He had searched social media for her some time ago, but couldn't find her profile. His internet search revealed that she still lives in Jönköping, Husqvarna. In a typical Swedish house on the edge of a small settlement, just as she always wanted.
A lump then formed in Jolly's throat as he recalled some of the conversations they had.
At the beginning of their relationship, when they were just 20 years old, Alice and he often played a game, What if....? A question and answer game
What if I'm 30 years old... Alice once asked.... He still remembers this question very well, including his answer!
Then we're married and you're touring the world with me because I'm a famous rock star....
Jolly feels that lump in his throat again and angrily punches the steering wheel.... FUCK!!!
God, they were so young and so in love.... Alice was friends with Petter's sister and once happened to be at a band rehearsal in Petter's basement.
They had both fallen head over heels in love with each other. However, it took a while before they finally got together because both were too shy and insecure at first to reveal their feelings to the other.
Heavens, when Jolly thinks about it now, he gets the same weak knees and that tugging in his stomach, in his chest, as he did back then, whenever he thought about Alice or saw her.
He can even smell her scent if he closes his eyes for a moment, which isn't safe considering he's sitting in a car right now and driving. Lavender. Alice has always smelled of lavender.
A flower that even he knows, as his mother has dozens of lavender bushes among her roses in her garden.
Alice was always at his side, at every performance, whenever she could manage it.
They were inseparable.
Until... until he became something like a megalomaniac! In any case, at some point everything was too small, too little, not spectacular enough for him. He wanted more, much more. Fame, success and, stupidly, other women who willingly offered themselves to him.
After every infidelity, he crawled back to Alice in remorse, promising her again and again that it would never happen again. After every drunken binge, he swore to her that he would drink less or nothing more. Because as soon as he got drunk and Alice wasn't with him, he ended up back in bed with some girl anyway.
He still doesn't know why Alice kept taking him back. She seemed to be able to forgive him for all that.
Maybe because they were simply made for each other, she knew that, only he had forgotten it?
FUCK.... Alice was just perfect for him, in every way.
Her silky dark brown hair that shimmered reddish in the sunlight. Her green eyes that sparkled like emeralds, her cherry-red, full lips that he loved to kiss so much, her dimples when she laughed. Her sparkling laugh in general, which always made him weak.
Her delicate hands with the many silver rings, her perfect ears with the piercings. Her swan-like neck, which he loved to cover with kisses.
Her narrow waist, which he loved to embrace, to pull her towards him, to signal to everyone that she was his and only his.
At some point, he began to pull away from her more and more, partly out of a guilty conscience, partly out of selfishness.
Maja more than hated him at this point and showed it openly as soon as they met.
Jolly has to think about her last evening.
Alice must have known back then when he turned up at her door. With his hoodie and baseball cap pulled over his face, his hands buried deep in his trouser pockets, staring at the floor as he began to speak haltingly.
She was still defending him against everyone and anyone at this point, not letting anyone say a bad word about him, even when he hurt her, unconsciously but also consciously... in the end it was mostly conscious and he didn't care.
That absolute shitty evening when he stood stammering on the porch outside her parents' house and told her that he was leaving and that he was therefore ending their relationship, he knew for a fact that he was breaking her heart.
She plunged into an absolute hole of despair and he hardly cared because he told himself that it was the right thing to do, that it was time to move on, to get to know new things, to start a new life....
HE decided what Alice wanted didn't count for anything at that point.
Jolly angrily hits the steering wheel again.
Damn selfish idiot, he growls again and again.
Maja then appeared at some point and shouted at him because she had heard her sister crying. The girl hit him and shouted that he should fuck off, preferably die and never come back, just leave her sister alone.
Jolly was almost right, he could practically escape from the situation, which he did without looking back once.
He blocked out Alice's sobs until he drove away with screeching tires.
FUCK..... Now he remembers this little detail, just before he started talking.... Alice said we need to talk.... Jolly thought she meant their relationship, that it's at ground zero right now, disastrous, messy, destructive!
Now he knows she wanted to talk about something else... FUCK!!!!
If only he had listened to her once....
If only he'd let her talk first....
However, he's not sure if that would have made much difference at the time.
FUCK, he really is the biggest scum.…
Jolly has to stop because he feels sick and dizzy, so he pulls into a parking bay on the side of the road, switches off the engine and pulls open the driver's door, sucking the crisp autumn air into his lungs.
Slowly, the dizziness and nausea get better.
Damn... he hasn't eaten or drunk anything for a long time....
Just as he is about to let the navigation system search for a gas station or a snack bar, his cell phone buzzes.
It's Noah.
“Arrived safely?” he wants to know immediately.
“Hmm,” grumbles Jolly in agreement.
“So, are you in Jönköping yet?” Noah continues.
“Not yet... I've still got a good two hours' drive ahead of me!” gulps Jolly.
“Fuck... have you slept at all?” Noah asks anxiously.
“Some.....” Jolly qualifies, stifling a yawn.
“Are you still going to see her today?” Noah asks.
“Honestly... no idea right now!” growls Jolly, ”Since I've been on the road, I've been thinking about everything, what mistakes I've made, how much I've hurt her.... But also how much I loved her... how much I still love her...... Noah, she was THE one... and I broke everything, threw everything away.... How am I supposed to just show up at her door in the middle of the night after almost 10 years and beg for forgiveness? Beg her for forgiveness with the idiotic hope that she'll take me back?”
“You can only try, what she does then is not in your power to influence!” Noah explains seriously, ”Like I said, get naked! If she really means as much to you as you said, then this is your only chance!”
“I know..... but I'm scared shitless right now!” whispers Jolly harshly, ”So much depends on it.”
“Exactly, that's why!” hisses Noah, ”Jesus, Jolly, since when are you such a doubter? You're not a coward! Face up to everything, admit your mistakes and hope for the best, that's all you can do!”
“Yes, I am a coward... I was and I probably still am.....” mumbles Jolly, embarrassed.
“Then face it!” Noah declares seriously, ”Just do it!”
“Hmm” grumbles Jolly.
“Listen, let me know when you've arrived and what you want to do then. Maybe you'll have a bit more clarity by then!” Noah explains gently, ‘And one thing you shouldn't forget, despite everything, is what Maja's girlfriend blurted out!’ he then grins.
“Hmm” nods Jolly, a little more hopefully.
“So! Stand your ground and don't run away!” Noah reiterates to Jolly before hanging up.
Jolly stares thoughtfully at the display of his cell phone.... The words of Maja's girlfriend still clear in his ear.
FUCK, he has to try, Noah is right, so he sits back down, closes the car door and drives off again.
However, he makes a little detour to the nearest gas station and stocks up on various snacks and drinks, as his blood sugar feels off the charts.
After he has consumed most of the snacks and 2 cans of Coke, he feels better again. Not just physically, but mentally too, so he is determined to go through with it.
Preferably tonight!
The longer he drives towards Jönköping, towards Alice, the stronger his longing for her becomes. God, it just has to work, he tells himself again and again.
Alice is his home, always has been and always will be....
Maja will strangle him, as she has sworn to do, if he dares to go to Alice, but he accepts that.
Maja was so angry, mainly because her friends, especially Selma, had blabbed and only didn't go after him because Noah suddenly appeared next to him.
Jolly has to grin at this memory.
It was pure coincidence that he met Maja and her friends after the concert after all.
After he and the others had freshened up, they actually wanted to get to their minibus in the venue's private parking lot.
On the way there, they had to pass a group of concertgoers, separated by barricades.
Jolly's gaze automatically wandered over the people and got stuck on Maja, or more precisely, her rear view.
Jolly was struck by lightning at first and couldn't move, but then he gave himself a jolt and approached her, talking to her over the barricade.
Her friends' eyes almost popped out of their heads, but they stared at him and Maja open-mouthed and speechless.
It felt like an eternity before Maja turned to him with a cool, hateful look.
“What do you want?!” her voice couldn't have been icier.
“Talk?!” he shrugged his shoulder awkwardly in response.
“What would I want to talk to YOU about!” came the reply.
“Maja... please, I know it's been a long time... but when I saw you earlier.... Damn you look so damn much like her.....” he swallowed.
“You realize that now, after fuckin almost 10 years?! Fucking asshole! You could have contacted her long ago if you'd really wanted to! Suddenly you're getting sentimental? Remembering the good old days? Or are you horny? Don't you have a slut to fuck right now?” she snapped at him.
Her friends were more speechless than ever, and other concert-goers listened with interest.
“Maja... please.... can we discuss this in peace and quiet? In a different setting?” he tried to reassure her.
“Forget it, Karlsson, you're scum and I'm certainly not going to listen to you!” was her reply.
Until Selma regained her composure and blurted out a few things.
“FUCK.... Then HE really is HIM?!” she stammered.
“Shut up!” growled Maja.
Jolly couldn't quite follow that.
“I thought you were joking when you said you knew the fuckin guitarist from fuckin Bad Omens.... FUCK!” blurted out one of the other women.
“Yes... I 'know' that asshole... unfortunately!” Maja hissed.
“But is HE really HIM then?” Selma followed up.
“Shut up!” growled Maja.
“FUCK... you know very well that Alice still loves him, if that's who he is! Hasn't forgotten him. As well as.....” Selma blurted out, interrupted by Maja.
“Shut your mouth, Selma! I won't say it again!” Maja grabbed Selma's arm angrily.
“Alice still loves me?!” whispered Jolly tonelessly, more to himself than to the others. This information turned his whole world upside down.
Selma, who had broken away from Maja, nods, “Yes, she does... She hasn't had a steady relationship for years, dates now and then that have all come to nothing.... Which isn't just because of Liam!”
“Liam?” Jolly furrowed his brow in irritation.
“That's enough... it's none of his business! He ran off back then and Selma, I swear I'll wring your neck if you make another sound!” Maja hissed at her friend.
“Who's Liam?” Jolly wanted to know.
“As I see it, your son!” Selma nodded and Maja tried to lunge at her, which Jolly just managed to prevent with a firm grip.
“DON'T TOUCH ME!” Maja yelled out all her anger and frustration, ”AND LEAVE ALICE ALONE!”
“Maja... is that right?” gulped Jolly, thunderstruck.
But Maja preferred icy silence.
“Yes... Alice has a son and he must be yours!” Selma nodded instead.
Jolly felt like he might faint in an instant, so he clung to the barricade. Panting and gasping for air, he stood there, “Really?” he croaked with a pleading look at Maja, who didn't give him a glance, instead stabbing Selma with her eyes.
“Maja... is that true?” he repeated pleadingly.
“He looks a lot like you... your hair color, your eyes....” Selma enumerated, ”The right age. She hasn't told anyone who the father is, but..... well, when you see him, you'll just know!”
“Maja....?” Jolly choked out questioningly.
“Luckily he doesn't have your nature...” Maja hissed almost inaudibly, but Jolly had heard and his legs threatened to buckle.
At that moment, Noah joined them and was able to observe Jolly's strange behavior from a distance.
Worried, he put a hand on his back, “Are you OK, Jolly?”
“No... actually, nothing's ok....” Jolly choked out, ”I have to go, Noah!”
“What, where? Why?” Noah wanted to know immediately.
“To Sweden... She's still in Sweden, isn't she?” Jolly asked and Selma nodded.
“Yes, she's still alive, or rather back in Jönköping!” Selma confirmed.
“If you care about her, you leave her alone!” Maja suddenly declared icily, ”She's been through hell because of you, even after.... Now it looks like she's made up with her life and everything. Don't you dare destroy that again by showing up, turning everything upside down and then disappearing again! Besides, it's also about Liam, a child!”
“I.... Maja... I need to talk to her!” gulped Jolly.
“Yes, YOU have to talk to her, all right. Once again, it doesn't matter what she needs!” snapped Maja.
“Maja, she still loves him.... She told me at the summer party when Nils broke up with me. She told me about her great love that she could never forget and how hard it is to let go, even though you don't really want to....” Selma explained gently.
Jolly felt sick.... FUCK, he really destroyed Alice back then.
Noah looked from one to the other uncomprehendingly, “Alice, Liam... kid?? What are we talking about here?”
“I guess I have a son!” gulped Jolly and Noah went no less pale than Jolly already was.
“WHAT???” he gasped tonelessly.
“Yeah, with Alice... I didn't know about anything... had absolutely no idea, she never told me.....” gulped Jolly.
“Yes, I wonder why!” Maja added spitefully.
“The Alice you told me about? The one you still love?” Noah then wanted to know, which made the women present sit up and take notice.
“Yes, that Alice.....” nodded Jolly.
“Then go to yourself, get your shit in order, get naked and try to win her back!” Noah nodded seriously.
Jolly looked at him questioningly, but Noah just gave him a shove, “GO, for fuck's sake, what are you waiting for?”
So he ran off, took a cab to the airport and is now here, in the middle of the night on a lonely road in Sweden on a clear fall night. Ready to take his fate into his own hands and win back the love of his life.
Monotonously, kilometer after kilometer goes by. Jolly goes through countless scenarios in his mind, what he should say to her, how he should say it.
FUCK, he feels like a schoolboy trying to slip a love letter to his crush. Just as excited, just as insecure.
As the lights of Jönköping slowly illuminate the darkness, Jolly's heart beats faster, he feels sick again and starts to sweat.
He nervously brushes his hair out of his face.
What should he do now? Go straight to her or check into a hotel and wait until tomorrow to attack her?
Jolly is getting more and more nervous.
Swearing, he pulls up again with squealing tires. He has to get to her, otherwise he's afraid of losing his courage.
The small settlement on the outskirts of Jönköping already seems to be sleeping peacefully, with only a few illuminated windows to be seen.
The SUV slowly rolls along the road until Jolly reaches his destination.
Alice's house.
His heart is pounding in his throat and he feels like he is going to faint again when he stops and takes the ignition key out of the lock.
He has to inhale and exhale deeply for a moment.
A glimmer of light can be seen from a window at the side. Alice must still be awake.....
She's always been a night owl, he remembers, and a smile steals across his face.
With trembling legs, he walks through the small garden gate and along the gravel path that winds its way to the house, climbing the steps to the porch that nestles against the front door.
Should I really, it races through his head......
He almost lets his hand drop again, but then he raises it again and knocks hard on the front door.
It's so loud, he himself is startled and looks around because a dog has started barking somewhere nearby, so he doesn't even notice that the hall light has gone on and keys are being turned in the door lock with a rustle.
Only when the door opens a crack does he startle, staring into bright green eyes that widen in shock.
Before Alice can slam the door shut again, at least that's what Jolly assumes, he pushes his foot between the door and the hinge and presses his hand against the door.
“Please.... We need to talk!” he chokes out, looking at her pleadingly.
Alice is so shocked that she can't get a sound out, nods automatically, undoes the chain in front of the door and then opens it completely.
As she stands there in front of him, Jolly's knees go weak and a stupid grin appears on his face. God, how could he have left her.
A whole world of emotions assaults him.
Love, desire, longing, security, home.... He feels all of this at the same time, just at the sight of her and the delicate scent she exudes. Lavender.
Alice is still unable to make a sound, so she just stands there in her leggings, oversized sweatshirt, thick woolen socks and messy hair bun, from which countless strands have stolen and are winding around her delicate face.
Jolly would have liked to tuck her behind her ear, but he doesn't dare move a finger, let alone touch her.
So he just chokes out, “We need to talk!” again.
Alice must have recovered from her initial shock. She clears her throat, wraps her arms around her torso, pushes her chin forward slightly and narrows her eyes.
She's even more enchanting than usual when she's angry, it occurs to Jolly as he looks at her like that and his desire for her continues to grow.
“About what?!” she growls softly at him.
“About just about everything....” sighs Jolly softly, ”Please.... Just let me finish, then when you say go, I'll go. I promise!”
Alice eyes him coolly, but then nods.
So Jolly plucks up all his courage, puts everything into a balance and begins to apologize to her, revealing his true feelings, what a fucking idiot he has been. In the end, he begs her forgiveness, asks for a second chance.
“I love you, Alice. I always have and I always will. I was just so stupid that it took me so long to realize that..... and then I had to work up the courage to go to you!” he mumbles.
“I understand if you send me away because I hurt you so much..... tore you to pieces.... All I can say is how sorry I am!” he swallows.
Alice looks at him for a long time. You can see how hard she is working, how much she is struggling with herself. But then she straightens her shoulders.
“It's too late, Joakim!” she whispers harshly and Jolly flinches as if he's been hit, but he was actually expecting this answer, ”No one has ever hurt me like you before and I'll never let myself be hurt like you did again! So please go!”
The question about Liam is on the tip of Jolly's tongue, but he remains silent. He understands that he has no right to ask Alice about his son. He has no right to anything. He gambled it all away a long time ago.
“I see...” he just nods, ”If I could, I'd turn back time... but I can't... I'd like to shake myself, beat myself up, to come to my senses.... I'm so incredibly sorry, Alice. And I know you won't believe me when I tell you I love you......”
Jolly can't move, but then he tears himself away, turns and storms out of the house, leaps down the porch steps and hurries to his SUV.
With trembling fingers, he unlocks the lock, but before he can open the car door, he is overcome by a wave of nausea and has to lean against the car, retching and gasping for breath.
It all seems to be too much for his body, his legs buckle and Jolly has to kneel down, leaning his head against the car door.
He feels hot tears running down his cheeks, so he presses his face against the cool car door.
In a surge of despair, he bangs his head against it a few times, just to stop feeling this despair, letting suppressed sobs escape his throat.
FUCK... this must be exactly how Alice felt back then.....
“YOU FUCKING STUPID IDIOT!” it suddenly hisses next to him and Jolly blinks upwards in confusion, where Alice stands like an angry avenging angel, staring down at him, trembling and equally crying.
“WHY???” she continues to hiss and punches him on the shoulder.
Jolly tries to get to his feet and stands up, trembling.
“TELL ME WHY??” Alice continues to cry, pounding his broad chest with her fists. Jolly just lets it happen.
“WHY ONLY NOW??? WHY ARE YOU ONLY COMING NOW? WHY DID YOU GO TO .....” Alice gasps.
“I... can't tell you... because I was a stupid asshole... scared of what we had.... Felt constricted..... I'm sorry.... I'm so incredibly sorry!” he mumbles.
Alice continues to lash out at him, taking all her frustration out on him until she stands sobbing in front of him, “And why do I still love you......” she breathes so softly that Jolly thinks he has misheard her at first.
Alice looks him in the eye with a teary gaze, “Why?”
Jolly can't help but pull her into his arms and hold her close. Alice clings to him, sobbing.
“I'm so incredibly sorry, Älskade!” he swallows.
“I can't do this again.....” sobs Alice.
“I know, min Älskling, I know...” whispers Jolly tenderly, stroking her hair, ”If I hadn't realized that, I wouldn't have come...... I came to stay with you!”
Startled, Alice looks at him, scrutinizing him closely, but all she can see in his gaze is love and the promise he has just made to her.
“I don't know.... I....” she swallows.
“We don't have to rush into anything!” nods Jolly, ”I'll stay here for now... let's just start over. Get to know each other again.”
“But there's something else I need to tell you.....” swallows Alice.
“I've known that for a while... And the thing I'm most sorry about is that I wasn't there for you!” Jolly nods seriously.
“Where from?” asks Alice, stunned, and Jolly tells her that he met Maja and her friends in LA.
“And Selma's still alive?” Alice has to ask.
“Well, at least she was when I stormed off!” smiles Jolly and kisses Alice's forehead.
“Maja will kill her and me!” Alice then nods.
“Why you?” Jolly wants to know.
Alice buries her nose in Jolly's broad chest, breathes in his tart scent, which lulls her and gives her the security she has missed for so long, “Because I'm so stupid and say yes....” she whispers.
“You're saying yes? You really want to try again with me?” Jolly's heart seems to burst.
Alice nods, “Yes... because I still love you, I've missed you so damn much and this feels so good, so right......”
She lifts her head, “But if you.....”
“No!” Jolly interrupts her immediately, leaning in and kissing her tenderly, ”No, I won't!”
The gust of wind that catches them both and pushes them closer together is like a sealing of this promise.......
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