#i love having bpd it is so much fun

[actual-changeling]

.

[messiahzzz]

while it’s perfectly fine to have your own headcanons that are non-canon compliant — by all means, go wild. recognizing pieces of yourselves in fictional characters can be a very healing and validating experience. this is nonetheless a casual, well-intentioned reminder that gale, in fact, does not have bpd.

bpd is a pervasive pattern of instability affecting interpersonal relationships, self-image, and mood. the disorder is marked by impulsivity beginning in early adulthood and is present in a variety of contexts. a diagnosis requires at least 5 of the following 9 criteria to be met:

Fear of abandonment

Unstable or changing relationships

Unstable self-image; struggles with identity or sense of self

Impulsive or self-damaging behaviors (e.g., excessive spending, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).

Suicidal behavior or self-injury

Varied or random mood swings

Constant feelings of worthlessness or sadness

Problems with anger, including frequent loss of temper or physical fights

Stress-related paranoia or loss of contact with reality

source: [x]

i highlighted the criteria that do apply to gale in one way or another in a pretty purple.

i personally believe that it’s rather harmful to equate his relationship with mystra with her being “his fp”. she is a deity, his goddess, and the source of his powers, who is in in full control of the magic he wields.

gale: mystra commands all magic. salvation, if such a thing exists, is hers to bestow or withhold.

gale has been effectively groomed and conditioned to serve and revere her at every turn since early childhood. imo this comparison really undermines a lot of crucial points in gale’s story that deal with his overall trauma and abuse. after all, you wouldn’t call shar sh*dowhe*rt’s fp either.

gale doesn’t revile mystra, nor does he commit benevolent deeds solely motivated by the secret hope that she will somehow notice and take him back. when you meet gale in the game he has already fully come to terms with the fact that he has been abandoned by mystra with no hope of reconciliation whatsoever. he also had some very fitting lines in ea regarding this topic that i'm sad haven't been repurposed in the full release in some way.

gale: [the tadpoles] don't know that some things are impossible. they don't know that... they don't know. player: what is impossible about what you're being shown? gale: forgiveness. gale: it is mystra i see. and yet it cannot be her. there was a time when i would have believed - but no longer. gale: suffice it to say she would not bestow upon me the favors promised in these dreams. that is how i know they are delusions.

he has already reached the stage of acceptance. moreover, gale only starts to realize that mystra might have been in the wrong for requesting his death once the tadpole squad & tav speak some sense into him. and even then he doesn’t ever show that his emotions regarding mystra are anywhere along those lines. he is instead rightfully angered that she only saw value in his death, after he had been worshipping her loyally for years.

gale: i worshipped mystra loyally for years, and in that time she granted me the barest sliver of the power i was ready to wield. gale: even with the fate of the world at stake, she had little more to offer me than the means of blowing myself up at a more convenient time. she's done nothing to help us.

gale: you abandoned me in my hour of greatest need. i had no obligation to help you in yours. gale: because you had no right to ask that of me. you cast me out, remember?

gale doesn’t display rapid changes in mood either. he is a character who is generally very composed and has been known to remain nonchalant even in the face of utter horror. tim downie himself even commented on this once. source: [x]

the only instance i can think of is his sudden switch from resigned-to-death to utter-eye-sparkling-enthusiasm once he spots the crown of karsus. apart from crucial story reasons that i won’t touch upon in this post, i’d also like to add that it’s a rather common phenomenon for people who have just barely survived a suicide attempt to suddenly be filled with zeal and unbridled energy. he doesn't display impulsivity without thorough consideration when it comes to its acquisition either. he considers this a golden opportunity and is positively enthusiastic and elated that this might prove an alternative to him ending up in a cloud of netherese smoke. nonetheless, he knows what he is doing. evident in him actually succeeding in ascending in one of his endings.

gale: this is no passing whim, trust me. if i can obtain that crown, it will affect us all. it is not a decision i'll take lightly. gale: it's our future that i'm thinking of - we can't rely on anyone else to do it for us. gale: for now - we've learned all we can.

neither are his relationships that we do know of (namely elminster, tara, and morena) frequently changing. they are marked by years of mutual respect, care, and consistency. there is nothing unstable about them. while it's important to note that his relationship with tav is still in its honeymoon stages during the main game, there is no inclination of any push-and-pull dynamic between them whatsoever.

gale isn’t preoccupied with keeping up some sort of benevolent act in order to win (back) affection — he genuinely IS a good person and he proves this at every turn. moreover, to have a tressym become your familiar you must be of Good alignment.

(taken from tumblr user galedekarios's post.)

there is never a moment where his ideals or alignment suddenly change. in fact, i’d argue that he and wyll are most consistent in this regard when compared to the rest of the companions. gale makes his moral standpoint very clear from the beginning on and also explicitly states that he believes that in order to survive this entire ordeal it would be selfish of him if he wouldn’t be willing to compromise on his morals. this isn’t a sudden bout of ✨muahahaha wizard hubris✨ that he barely contained to hold in before, this is yet another act of selflessness — it is what he’s willing to do for the group and subsequently, the welfare of faerun.

player: i love unsavoury things. don't feel guilty on my account. gale: that's good to know. although i should say i do what i do out of a sense of utility and pragmatism, not a love of the unsavoury. gale: we're up against the greatest threat faerun has ever faced. i don't mind getting my hands dirty if it gives us a better chance of surviving. gale: whatever advantage i can gain for us. i will. and i refuse to feel guilty for it, no matter how much mystra's chidings might echo in my skull.

this is him, once again trying to be useful in whatever way he can. to give them an advantage, a slither of hope against seemingly impossible odds, so they might make it out of this in one piece. gale wouldn’t approve of those actions under normal circumstances, but their predicament is as far from any definition of “normal” as it can get.

gale is no fool, he realizes this is essentially about survival. he knows that he has no option left other than to tolerate, which is why he can be convinced to not immediately depart tav’s company even if they choose to commit atrocities. this is no character flaw of his or him displaying a previously dormant openness for cruelty, this is about recognizing the necessity.

player: you don't stand a chance alone. you're free to go. i dare you. gale: gods damn you - you're right. few things are more powerful than the will to live.

gale: i thought the orb to be the greatest of my sins, but i see now that there are darker depths to which i might yet sink. you may be content to sink into that abyss, but i assure you - i am not.

gale doesn’t lead a split existence. he has a very strong sense of identity. he knows what he wants, what he doesn’t want and he isn’t shy in expressing his boundaries either. which he has especially shown when it comes to his relationship with tav. i originally had intended to touch upon this in another post entirely but: i firmly believe his entire Gale of Waterdeep™ persona is more of a performance than him struggling to find a sense of identity and trying them on for size. it is an intentional decision to separate gale dekarios from the great wizard of waterdeep, to create distance and make sure his family name remains untarnished in case things should ever go sideways.

gale: i agree. and on the plus side, if i get myself into any truly cataclysmic straits during the remainder of our journey, my family name will go untarnished.

there is also a deep-rooted feeling of unworthiness and his firm belief that love and praise are conditional resources that he will only be granted through his talents alone, naturally. presenting himself as gale dekarios, the man, would mean highlighting his shortcomings and very human flaws, while distracting from the aspects of himself that are deemed praiseworthy, the ones that actually matter: his magical prowess.

i personally believe that part of the beauty of gale’s story is him realizing just how “little” it takes for him to be truly content. he gets his happy ending, with someone at his side who truly sees him, understands him and unabashedly commits to him. they worship and adore him in return — and it is well deserved. he isn’t reduced to be constantly and restlessly searching for some unattainable ideal to fill the gaping void within himself. he doesn’t secretly thirst for more power still or believes that in being with tav he is settling for something. instead, he is finally happy to just be. be and be accepted. teaching a class of unruly wizards and coming home to his spouse each day already fulfills him.

gale: that's how i feel with you - content. it's a rather unfamiliar feeling, i must say. not something gale of waterdeep ever craved.

even if he doesn’t pursue a romance with tav, he reaches a realization of “oh, it appears i am not irredeemably flawed and only able to reach true redemption through my own death. what i needed was actually with me all along.” throughout their journey and through his friend's support. i think that’s a very powerful and comforting message. he is very well capable of finding peace within himself.

devnotes: his default state is that he returned to waterdeep and became a professor of illusory magic at his former school, blackstaff academy. general vibe here is that this is a gale who's found peace with himself - he's a great teacher, one his students are mostly in awe of.

to repeat myself: sharing your headcanons is all in good fun, nor should you ever be discouraged from doing so. this is your personal tumblr experience, after all. but i personally think we should be mindful of unintentionally perpetuating negative stereotypes, such as narcissism being a general indicator or being deemed a classic depiction of bpd. i think we can all agree that the continuous longing for acceptance, connection, praise, and approval is something we all have in common deep down, regardless of whatever disorder we may have. [insert victoria justice meme here]

gale may be many things to many people, but he is no entitled narcissist.

[cuppa-ale]

No matter where I go or what I make, I never really feel like I "belong" anywhere and that train of thought has been really depressing to me.

At the same time, it also seems that belonging to any social group means conforming and that thought scares me. When I think about what that means to me, I think of things like.... having to stay quiet about things that are important to me in order to keep the peace, or being afraid to express my love for something because everyone else there hates it & doesn't want to talk about it, or just flat out feeling miserable and stuck and out of place for one reason or another.

(Or magically be the type of person that people within the group want, who talks like them and acts like them and thinks all the same things... though idk if that's actually grounded in reality or some subconscious pulse I have to adapt and mimic. But i don't really know what it means to be "myself")

With all that in mind, I would like to convert my miserable feelings into understanding & patience towards others. I never want to make anyone feel those ways & I know how it feels.

But... becoming attached and seeking the approval of anyone is bad for me because I just wind up hurt or miserable or both in the end. But at the same time it's lonely. But at the same time I feel miserable either way. There is a teeny tiny part of my brain that remembers what it was like to feel that attachment.

I feel like a small stray animal that bites anyone who tries to take it home, because it remembers being hurt. But it also remembers being cherished, and there exists a tinier part of it that wishes it had an owner who wouldn't let it go so easily.

Who wishes that there were clear instructions to follow and to know exactly what was expected of it.

But nobody ever asked to be its owner. It just started following people around until it was no longer wanted. And now it bites, or runs off. Now it growls and fights and acts indifferent because if it doesn't, it will get hurt again. Maybe the bite is a test. But either way, it cannot stand the thought of being led. Now, it refuses to follow or trail behind. Now, it exists for no purpose other than existing and surviving.

I don't like feeling like all my relationships are conditional and that I could be dropped or abandoned any moment for being "too weird" or having a bad day. However silly or selfish it sounds, I wish so badly that I could be cherished for that exact weirdness and all the weirdness and horror and joy and ambiguity I want to bring forth with my work.

I want to expunge all these thoughts from my brain and throw them up into the void because i am so tired of worrying about myself and something so dull as my "place" in the world and going through the same thought loops over and over and over again and never being free. My head is so loud and full of noise and junk.

I am so blunt these days because anything else feels like lying and pretending. I'd rather be brutally honest and blunt in my work and my speech.

I have been living inside a brain cage. One day, I will finally be free.

One day, I will finally be free.

[pussy-ache]

i probably shouldn’t read about bpd before bed

[twinsfawn]

†

[rememberingpunday]

I high-key miss being surrounded by friends, love, and support 🙃

[loverboyslasher]

when your bpd is bpd-ing

[bunnyboilewd]

To the tune of Last Resort:

Break my back into pieces,

this is my manic sort,

rearranging and cleaning,

don't give a fuck if I forgot about eating.

[onyourhyuck]

LUKEWARM. L.DH | Episode 1

— Title: ‘Wasteland, baby.’

— Summary: Hong Yujin is the new patient at the psych ward admitted for her eating disorder. On the first day of being admitted she meets Haechan, a patient being treated for his bpd. Yujin already claims to hate him; he is everything she dislikes. Loud, annoying, self destructive.

— Genre: Psych ward, hospital, mental illnesses, can be triggering so read at your own risk, guys take care of yourself, mentions of eating disorders, mentions of bpd, suggestive, smut, angst etc.

— Notes: please don’t read if you’ll be triggered !! Take care of yourself guys.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Yujin is emotionally constipated and Haechan is a meddler.

The two most complex cases in the ward — happen to be each other’s triggers and worst of friends in the whole of hospital. Putting these two and two together is like asking for a death wish to happen.

You see punishment takes in many different forms. Yujin is convinced that god is punishing her with Haechan messing up her life whenever she’s in a good mood.

The young girl only recently started to enrol in this hospital not out of her own choice. News spread around quickly of Yujin and of course Haechan wanted to see the newbie for himself. She remembers how he bothered her with so much questions on the first day. Now Yujin wishes he would choke and shut up for once.

If there was a thing to describe him. It would be running tap water.

Strange interpretation right? Yujin likes to think that Haechan’s like tap water. Distasteful, stale and unpleasant.

So far it sounds accurate to Yujin.

A plop of weight pressed on the mattress with shoes on the hospital bed. The boy crossed his legs over the covers with a gleeful smile gazing right back at the owner of the room who looks to be the most pissed he’s seen her yet.

How exciting. Haechan loves getting reaction out of people the most. The girl has been his main source of entertainment here since she arrived. It was like a blessing from God, or so he likes to think.

“Get out.” Yujin states not even bothering to say hello or ‘please get out’ it was just a flat out unemotional reaction equivalent to ‘fuck off’ which he pretends that it hurt him. But it didn’t in reality.

The boy gasps pretending to be a freaking sob but he stopped acting when the expression on her face did not budge. Haechan was intrigued by Yujin’s bluntness. Most other patients would’ve backed down and been submissive to him, but not Yujin. He liked that in a very twisted way.

“Oh come on don’t be such a stick in the mud, let me hang out with you.” Haechan flashes her a little smirk hoping it would encourage some agreement between them.

Yujin heavily exhales. Might as well add some smoke particles, Haechan swore he saw her head turning to flames any minute.

“No. If I want to hang out with someone like you I would get a pet dog. Now get out of my room!” The arms extend out towards the door so Haechan can see the way out.

Taken aback by such statements but not letting them phase him outwardly. Haechan definitely notes from bothering her as of lately he did notice Yujin was rather a feisty individual. Deciding it would be even more fun to get on her nerves and push the already pressed buttons even more just for the fun of it. He didn’t actually care that Yujin was upset.

Haechan’s back pressed on the wall while he was sitting up on the bed this time. Legs crossed over the covers with that devilish smile.

“Oh calm down you’re in a mental ward, I’m sure you’ll come across much worse than me.”

The audacity to have Haechan smiling at her at this time? Yujin feels every inch of her body blood boiling to the point she couldn’t stand straight and see clearly.

Yujin glares over at the boy who made himself comfortable on the bed unannounced with one leg over the covers as if he owns this freaking ward to himself. Yujin stands there in middle of the room immediately ready to protest to the boy who gave no ounce of care.

“Who do you think you are?” Yujin says with an unamused expression.

The boy notices Yujin’s reaction to him sitting down on her bed and her glare. It would fun seeing someone else react this much, Haechan sometimes wonders if her head will explode someday.

The girl has only enrolled recently. He grins from ear to ear. It was fun however. Especially to a guy like him.

Haechan leans back on the bed and rests his feet against the wall. He grabs a magazine off the bedside table and begins to read, as if he’s at home. “Oh come on, what makes you think you own everything here? Who do you think you are?”

Haechan taunts her back. He can’t get enough of this interaction. It was like watching a sitcom on television but he was starring himself.

The moment which was full of tension like a chalk scraping at the chalkboard in a classroom. It felt like a million knives stabbing in the same constant pressure point on a body. It wasn’t a good energy at all so when the young nurse walked in on the moment, she was rather surprised to see Haechan on the bed already harassing the new patient.

The nurse furrows her eyebrows. “Haechan shouldn’t you be in your room taking your medication with nurse Joong?”

His eyes dart away from Yujin to the nurse rather eerily and he slants forward with a dropping smile. “Awh bummer — well this was fun.” He said it like he spent most of the living moments in this ward.

Yujin couldn’t put her finger on it, but it certainly sounds like Haechan was used to the pills prescribed.

But before he was fully leaving he whispers to Yujin. “Welcome to the Wasteland, baby.”

Not quite understanding what the boy meant. Yujin frowned and turned back but by then he was gone on his way.

@onyourhyuck please refer from translating copyrighting and plagiarising my work. Please reblog this blog and follow me for more updates it helps a girl out !

[thebelugawhalefriend]

Yandere Ex - Sensitive Reader

CW: NSFW, Obsession, Male Yandere,

Part One (Optional)

Note: Thank you @stuff6969fuckyou for the suggestion! Remember, requests are OPEN and I can do general requests like this ^^ Since I don't have much insight on BPD, they'll be hypersensitive in this one. When I get a bit more research done into BPD I'd love to write a yandere x reader with BPD for you!

You never asked to be so emotional. So soft hearted. Yet, that's what drew your ex to you in the first place. While he couldn't even muster a tear at a funeral, you were a bawling mess if the dog died in a movie. And God, he wanted all that to be his again...

You were the heart he lost years ago. The person who was slowly warming him up in those little ways. But... While you DID show you cared, he scared you. Terrified you, even! Arguments lead to you breaking down into pure sobs while he stands unchanged. He would never care for any animals you brought over, only spare them passing glances and shove them off if they wanted affection.

So you told him. You told him that he never cared and it scared you. When he first heard you say it, the words didn't even process in his mind. When they did? This man spent weeks trying to appear much more caring.

He adopted an orange cat and named him Buddy. Changed his home's decor from bland and beige into soothing greens and even hung (safe) houseplants all over. Some parts are intentionally messy as to come off more lived in. Even changed his look from sharp to messy yet charming. It lured you in all over again. It worked! This is the man you really wanted to see, and you played right into the trap.

Now he's got you pinned to the soft blue bed. Taking what was rightfully his. He spent weeks pleasing himself with that cold hardened hand of his- and now he had his soft cuddly lover back. Even with the home change, his rough ways of handling you never changed. He would go at you in any position- the only difference being how close he would hold you now. Keeping his icy body warm with yours. Something in you could just feel that same man that scared you, but it's a little late now.

"That... That was fun! I'm glad I came back-" You try to get up from the bed just to realize one of the restraints still held you back. "I'm glad you're back too. Would you like coffee? Tea?" This is the first time you've seen this man smile, but it still feels... Off. "I think you forgot to take one of the ropes off..."

"Oh, I didn't forget anything."

"I'm sorry...?"

"I didn't forget anything. You decided to come back, so that means you must want to stay this time, right? I even got you a friend to keep you company. Now, stay and wait while I get you something to drink."

He's kidding... He's kidding! He wouldn't keep you here! Despite trying to reassure yourself of his jokes, you knew damn well you played into his hands. You fell for this trap all over again- this act that he put on to keep little sensitive you here. Buddy leapt right onto the bed and curled at your feet, purring loudly and making little biscuits.

Cry all you want, but you're here now. You got yourself trapped all over again, and terrors rarely let prey escape twice.

[plutonian-moon]

random astro observations ! p3 💋☆°

take what resonates leave what doesn't!!

i notice that many people with bipolar discorder have water moon or 8H moons/12H moon,moon-uranus/moon-pluto, sun-moon (hard aspects) or cancer mars (its not for self diagnosis its just my observation!!) btw i also have bipolar to be specific i have bipolar type II with mixed features and also i have bpd and i have cancer moon 8H opposition pluto in 1H and in my moon persona chart i have pisces moon, moon conjunction uranus, moon square pluto,sun square moon, moon square asc, moon square mercury and so many others hard aspects to the moon lol so yeah... ☆°

gemini placements/3H placements tend to play hands when they talking !! ☆°

animals can be very attracted to 6H placements peoples i notice this the most with 6H suns, 6 moons, 6H venus and 6H neptune !! :3 ☆°

peoples can easly can not understanding what pisces mercury/3H neptune/mercury-neptune/3H pisces are trying to say .. and these peoples also can struggling with what they are trying to say and they mind can be very chaotic also they can escaping alot from reality and others can see this very easly also when u have this u can notice that others peoples can ignore u so much when it comes to what u saying for example u can ask someone who is starting next to u abt something and they just ignore u or u will trying to say something in school (for example) but other person will say this and bc of this u will get ignored (its also personal experience i have pisces mercury 3H conjunction neptune in 3H 😭) ☆

pisces moons/12H moons/moon-neptune (conjunction,inconjunction/quincunx, square, opposition) can have a mother that is playing a victim alot and u can feel very ignored by ur mother like she never listen to u when u r trying to speak or she will be ignoring what u r saying only to say what she wants ☆°

5H neptune can experience with drugs for fun and also experiment alot with drugs hmm also maybe doing drugs bc of being bored and having nothing to do alsooo 5H neptune peoples are very creative with love to art, music, spirituality etc!! also can use music as a form of escaping from reality :3 ooo and when these peoples will have a kids they can have a kids with a strong pisces placements/pisces in big 3/big 6 or neptune dominants/12H stelliums !! kids there can also be very artistic ! ☆°

9H saturn peoples are easly getting into melancholy mood and can have hard time to see something from positive side (3H saturn, 1H saturn, 12H saturn or 10H saturn can relate too) ☆°

12H saturn/pisces saturn/saturn-neptune(opposition,square,inconjunction/quincunx) peoples can be afride of hospitals or water ! also maybe bad experience with hospitals/doctors and water ☆°

8H uranus can have weird kinks 😭😭

9H uranus maybe are people with strong belief or their belief are seeing by others as controversial or "weird" ☆°

11H uranus can have many online friends !! ☆°

1H neptune peoples... something about they look and aura is just so pretty i lov yall sm !! they looks so angelic and sweet !! ☆°

2H moons can have fluid self esteem (one time they love themself and the next time hate how they looks, acts etc!) ☆°

3H mercury/gemini mercury always want to have they last word help and can fighting with u for fun (self exposing myself ☹☹☹) ☆°

mutable venus/mars peoples and gemini moons can be type of people that can experiment alot in relationships and even can be part of lgbt+ 🏳️‍🌈 ☆°

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

aita for not inviting a friend of mine into my dnd campaign?

so i (18nb) have a friend (18nb, Martin) who i play in a main dnd campaign with with all our other friends (Ill name them Dan, Virgil, Mark, and Ray). Dan is our DM after we kicked out the old one bc she was horrible. We're a pretty close group of friends, but lately we've all been really busy with respective school & work, ect. so we didnt play dnd for a solid, like,, 4 months. I DMed a one shot for everyone besides Ray cause she was flaky anyway, and added in my boyfriend Zeke for it.

Everyone had a really fun time w it and I loved everyones characters, especially Dan's. I watch a lot of dnd shows, so i just keep getting more ideas- but while the one shot was fun it was messy as hell. Ive been wanting to write a campaign for a smaller group for a while, (because when i tried making a campaign with the whole group the character creations were... disappointing to say the least. this sounds mean but i created a fairy world that was very magical & told everyone to go crazy on character creation in a world with few/no humans, and like 5/6 people opted to be a human with a fighting class :/ )

ive been writing a campaign that im really proud of and have a good vision for, and decided to include Mark (because we're best friends) Zeke (because he wants to play dnd more and has no opportunities) Dan (bc he never gets to be a player) and then another close friend of mine outside the group named Gabe (who i love but never get to see) I love their characters & we're all super excited.

Thing is. I was briefly talking with Dan, Zeke and Mark about it at school bc I'd sent everyone a little intro message for the world and they were all super excited and wanted to talk to me about their classes. Virgil had no problem with this and was excitedly asking abt the world + characters along with some other friends from school, but Martin got quiet and went and sat by himself. I could tell they were off, but Martin is generally a quiet person anyway and is often sad + doesnt want to talk for like a hundred different reasons, so i left her alone. Later that day in a different class I have with Virgil he showed me his phone where Martin had sent him a message saying she was really disappointed & felt left out that i hadnt invited them to my campaign.

i instantly felt bad and started to text him, but,,,, to be honest, i dont think im at all responsible for this.

i have reasons for leaving Martin out, the main one being that they just..... arent a very active player. Hes soft spoken and doesnt actually like rping their characters- her character in our main campaign is/was literally mute bc they said they didnt want to have to speak as him. (theyve since taken this back and went through with a curse breaking thing to be able to speak, but her character,,, still doesnt talk much.) he writes really good, sad backstories but doesnt actually play or do anything with them and gets uncomfortable acting. Their characters are not only emotional, but like. crazy. they play a bunch of cool tieflings with insane magic classes & features and then, again,,,, dont roleplay them. I didnt want the group to be big and had a good reason for including everyone that i did, and our other friends that arent in it (Virgil, Ray who is Martins sister btw, all our other d&d interested friends at school) literally dont mind at all. i just wrote a campaign that theyre not in. Martin also has their feelings hurt very easily, so to be honest i just find her being sad about not being in it just... stupid. id never say that to his face & i get that he feels bad, but like....cmon.

im aware im a very very incredibly low empathy person- to be honest i struggle with depression and bpd very heavily and am often mean to my friends & loved ones without really processing why or how much it affects them. i told Virgil that i thought Martins reaction was stupid, and he said that that wasnt fair bc Martin had always been in my campaigns before (which is, yknow, one. Martin and I were even in a campaign with a completely different group a while back and Martin willingly left it very early because the group was loud & their character wasnt doing anything (yeah)). Every time Martins expressed (or i guess not expressed) sorrow for not being invited to it ive just sort of ignored them. this again isnt that uncommon cuz when shes sad he doesnt like to talk about it, and also they havent directly confronted me with this at all.

ive been talking about the campaign a lot because it occupies frankly a lot of my brain because i have so much to write, and i especially talk to the people that arent in it bc theres no risk of slipping up and telling them something they arent supposed to know. The other friend, Gabe, is friends with Zeke and Mark and I, and Dan is good around new people,, but Martins really quiet around people he doesnt know well, so if i invited her anyway they'd probably play the game even less than they already do.

again, im really bad at having an actual perspecitve on this. Virgil said he feels bad for Martin but not for himself, as far as i know Dan doesnt know about the situation, and i literally just dont wanna involve Mark and Zeke (Zeke HATES conflict and when people fight so he really doesnt have to be involved.) Mark Martin and I have all been really close friends since literally 7th grade and I guess Martin especially feels left out that I involved Mark and not them but Marks both really good at character creation and also talking in character, and like, hes my best friend who i do everything with.

I dont wanna blow off Martins emotions but but i truly dont give a shit that they feel betrayed by my not inviting him. especially because they havent bothered actually telling me this. objectively i dont think its my fault even a little, and Martin is really horrible at handling their emotions anyway (this isnt an insult, just a fact. i am too). aita for not inviting him + not caring that shes upset by it and acting like they arent?

sorry this is so long i really like providing context

What are these acronyms?

[coff33notforme]

HECK YEAH ANOTHA WELCOME HOME WRITER!! Also! The fact you also like tf2 makes you literally the best. Anyways I was wondering if you could write a Wally x GNreader (scenario,hcs, really whatever you feel like writing, I’m not picky!!) but where the reader has BPD, so they’re really awkward, gets embarrassed, anger issues…etc!!

thanks so much neighbor!! I hope you have a good day bud! Make sure to drink water and keep yourself healthy! Toodles!!

A/n: AAA, Thank you so much for the compliment and for the request! I had a lot of fun writing this! This is my first time writing for Wally and since there is not a lot of characterization for him yet I kinda just loosely based this off what I thought he might be like, so yeah. But I hope you enjoy none the less! ^^

Disclaimer: there might be some inaccurate depictions of BPD since I do not have this disorder, I did some research before I wrote this, but it still might not be true to the experience of everyone with BPD

Pairing: Wally darling and gn Reader (This can be read as Romantic or Platonic!)

At first Wally had noticed small things about you, things that you made you stick out from the rest of his colorful friends

Wally had observed you from afar, interacting with the other neighbors, but you seemed to be acting different then everyone else in the group

You were stiff, your speech awkward and your movements seemed to be stifled in a way that made you seem very robotic 

And for the majority of the time you were in the group you seemed to be quiet, but by the way you stood it seemed like you always had something to say but you bite your tongue, letting the words die on your lips

Until you and your neighbors had parted ways, Wally watched as you walked away your shoulders seemed tense and a frustrated scowl rested on your face, this confused Wally, you seemed to be fine a couple minutes ago?

What had happened to upset you in such a short amount of time

Wally was intrigued by you, it's in his nature to be curious after all

Intrigued by this sudden ripple of change in your behavior Wally set out to ask you exactly what had bothered you

Wally walked the steps to your small home, giving a quiet knock to your wooden door,not wanting to disturb you incase you were still upset

Silence stretched out through your seemingly empty house, before the door creaked open, your face peeking out from behind the door

“Hello?” 

“Hello neighbor, do you mind if I come in?” Wally's cheerful voice rang out through your weary home, your tired eyes shifted behind you to your messy house, before you glanced back to the to the eager puppet in front of you

“Uh, I don’t know my house is kind of a mess right now.” Wally simply let out a light chuckle

“Mess doesn’t bother me at all.” You hesitated, sighing as you reluctantly opened the door as the colorful man stepped inside, glancing around your dreary home

“You have a lovely home friend.” 

You gave an exhausted smile

“Thank you Wally, that's sweet. And I don’t mean to be rude, what brings you over here?” you ask, rubbing your arms anxiously 

Wally took note of your sudden change in emotion

“Well, I don’t mean to stick my nose where it doesn't belong, but I couldn't help but notice you seem so…for the lack of a better word ‘strange’, whenever you speak to others.” 

You winced at the mention of your behavior

Wally took notice of this and immediately corrected himself

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for that to sound insensitive, what I meant is that I was simply concerned for your sudden change in your behavior, and was wondering if there was anything that upset you?” he offered a quiet explanation 

You shook your head, your eyes shifting to the floor

“It’s not important, don’t worry about it.” 

Unimpressed by this answer, Wally pushed a bit further

“If there's anything wrong, I want you to feel like you can talk to me, I’m not just a neighbor, I’m a friend.” 

He paused for a moment 

“Of course, there's no pressure, you can talk whenever you're ready to, dear.”

You smiled, this time it felt genuine, like his words had stirred the emptiness inside of you 

“Thanks Wally, I will.” 

From then on you and Wally's relationship grew much stronger than before

Wally was always there to help you when you felt lonely, or angry, or whatever you were dealing with he would be there to help you calm down, or for you to just rant to

Anything that you needed Wally was happy to provide

First Welcome home request lets go gamers

[wulfums]

Begging people in the self ship community to stop seeing other self shippers as competition just bcuz theyre more popular or ship w the same character

ive experienced a lot of anger from other scudworth self shippers for being "the" scudworth self shipper. ive even had a tiktok angry at me and making fun of me go viral. it sucks. like I understand feeling jealous, I still feel that as well(I have bpd of course I do), but you really and truly cannot take it out on the other person. it's not ok.

especially because sometimes it leads to people getting so mad they willfully misinterpret things the person they're jealous of does. Example: Other Scudworth self shippers/likers so angry that my stuff appears even on google images that they have started calling Scudwulf and me in general "Zoophilia"

I understand more than anyone that F/Os can feel so much more than just characters you love. I'm fictosexual, I feel for Mr B and Scudworth the same as I would if I had an IRL boyfriend. Sometimes, seeing them with others makes me feel "cheated" on or jealous. But that? Is not the other person's problem. It's something I have to work on in myself, and realizing it is not the other person doing anything wrong is a good first step.

We don't need to eat each other. There is no hierarchy, I promise. No one's self ship with a character is better than anyone else's. If you self ship with Scudworth, I promise you Scudwulf/Scudwulfertron is not better. We can be equal. But it's also OK to feel jealousy- even venting about it and joking abt being mad at the person is alright if you keep it in appropriate spaces, ie small group chats. But you also need to work on it. It's never OK to hurt someone else over jealousy, and I've had to learn that over and over.

So like. Please. Other self shippers are not "competition." We are all just trying to get by in this shit world.

[kanmom51]

JK's live 30 June 2023 12:38 am KST

30.6.2023 12:38 or 00:38 KST

cr./to the creators of the media used in this post.

Before I start talking about the live itself and Seven, of course, let's look for just a second, again, for the fun of it, at the numbers.

12:38 or 00:38 is the time JK started the live.

Do you see what those 2 numbers give us? Side by side?

1 2 3 and 8 and then 3 and 8. Does that help?

123

and

8/11

Do I think he did this on purpose? The 123 yeah, I see that. But the other part, nah? Just a usual lovely stars aligning Jikook coincidence I guess, lol.

Oh, and we also have 12:38 that gives us a 2+8=10 and the 1 and 3 that give us the 13, so:

13/10

So, not too too much happened during the live. JK came, talked a little tiny bit about his upcoming single, working on an album and a little more too, worked out, was his own cute self and dipped.

That was that in a nutshell.

Now let's dive in a little deeper.

JK talked about Seven. Well, telling us it's coming out on the 14 July and that he's excited about it.

There is an album in the works, but not finalized just yet.

Oh, and the MV, it's a wrap, and was fun. Now I'm truly curious.

I did talk about the song not being written by him in my previous post. He heard it with BPD and said he wants to do it a lot. His words.

He heard it, he liked it, he wanted to do it. Not personal, not a life story.

Doesn't mean the lyrics didn't 'speak' to him in a sense. Didn't mean something to him. You can feel connected to a song that isn't written by yourself. But it is something to keep in mind when we hear the song, watch the MV and see the lyrics, lol.

Just side tracking here for a sec to this:

CP says it's sooooo good. I'm gonna trust him on this.

Question I have right now is: Is JM becoming JK's spoiler king?

JK misses Jin and Hobi.

He got a new lip piercing.

What I love about that man is that he's so aware. He knows there are those that do not approve (you know, those idiots that think they have ownership over him or a right to tell him what to do). And yet, he doesn't give a shit. He wanted it, he did it. If they want to accept it they will, if they don't sucks for them. And the thing is that when he says it, he does it so nicely and respectfully. I LOVE IT!!!

He told us he's taking English lessons.

As a matter of fact, he had one just before starting the live.

Funny how both JK and JM seem to be studying English at night.

Remember this?

You know, must be one of those Jikook coincidences.

Nah. Fuck that. They are studying English together. Period.

JK talks about doing intermittent dieting, so he bought snacks but can't eat them just yet.

JK wanting to share but blanking out, lol.

Well, he didn't give us a spoiler, but we did get the next best thing, lol.

We get full JK workout.

Gotta love army edits (some at least, lol)

Poor baby hurt himself.

That was quite a workout.

Well, working out can be alone or together. There are many forms of working out... Does he really want us to wonder all of that?

The duality of this man.

And then.

I absolutely adore that JK has no problem what so ever that we see him like this. No makeup, every hair possible out of place, tired, sleepy, drunk, sad, happy, just bare.

He trusts us to see him bare.

Writing those lines, that sentence, idk why, it brings tears to my eyes.

He's not afraid to be himself. Take it or leave it. Yes, he plays the part of the idol, but he isn't afraid to show us him, a real human being just like us (just way prettier and sexier and more talented and more intelligent and in better shape), as much as he can under the circumstances of being an idol and a celebrity.

How can we not LOVE this young man?

JK ending the live.

So, not so much going on during this live.

I wrote this post based on the translations available. Of course I will watch the live translated and come back with corrections if be needed.

This to me felt more like a scheduled live for him, less one he just wanted to do, to keep connected with us or to convey a message that doesn't have to do with his own promotions (you get what I'm saying). And it makes sense it was pretty much scheduled, given the announcement of his single release. But who cares? We got us some cute ass JK. Just seeing him warms my heart. I assume it has the same effect on you.

I'll leave you with an amusing take on JK's live.

[t8oo]

By all accounts the lupin fandom has always prided itself as a drama free ship war free open to polyamory and wildly different headcanons fandom. And I can name a few people that have worked hard to keep this place very friendly. And I really started in this fandom in a friendly place. I even managed to make friends that Liked Luzeni maybe even just as much as me. I was ecstasic. I really loved those people so much, I talked to them daily. Some of them I respected so much for their craft. Great.

Id always been upfront and very clear that they were befriending someone who was fucked in the head. And i dont mean seasonal depression type I mean Bipolar and Bpd and all the symptoms it entails. Im not even going to mention the upbringing and the life ive had. All of it was a complete and violently abusive catastrophy.

Last year I exhibited symptoms that were intense. TOXIC. It didnt mean that I was toxic to my friend, because I was rational enough to know about boundaries. I was at the end of my rope. For undisclosed reasons I had to be interned. Great. During the ultimate time that lead me to become crazy, not a single person i thought was my friend gave me a hand. I received a message from one friend while I was litteraly perched on the windowsill about to jump telling me about their life. Not asking abt me. I sent some Hey thats cool but im about to kill myself and they didnt reply. Days after I was interned they told me that my message triggered them so they had to have an emergency meeting with their psychiatrist. Cool. Nothing abt me still. Sorry ? Fallout 1

During yhat whole shitstorm and despite everything a friend became my like. favorite person in bpd terms. Just really fucking embarassing shit really. I tried to prevent it, i tried to pull out not to make it worse, which not only was making it worse but was making it toxic. I aparently blew out, which of course my memory conveniently forgot. I said something ahout their partner. They never explained what. Again, after internment I apologized. They told me they needed time. They bsolutely deserved it. I was probably horrible to warrant that reaction. I might even have been toxic. Again, I do not remember what I even said. Im not a demonic entity it couldnt have been like I desacrated them and insulted them beyond repair. Even in my anger I have always been limited. But all i can do is speculate. They never explained, just took my apology. And then They never came back. That friend I liked so much that despite everything I did to control myself became a person i liked beyond wat was normal. We have had so much fun. Not enough to mend bridges or explained anything. Fallout 2

During that blow out one friend meddled, asking that other friend for information ? I asked to pass along a message to friend B. which friend A refused. Like it was not their business, even tho they were clearly invested in the business enough to talk to both of us about it lol. No problem. 4 days ago thou i confronted a group of friends that were friends As friend, for kicking them out of an rp group for no reason, even bordering on racism. My friend feels hurt about that event, has always hinted at it. it even stopped them from rping, something they did for 12 years. They had no closure and so I tried to bring it to them. Asshole move or empathic ? Thinking back i may have been taking the situation personnaly because i was already on my way out menrally. I dont know. All i know is that four days later, after i talked for hours to that group and the reason why they treated my friend so poorly that they still had scars over it, i was experiencing a mental crisis and that friend refused a request. Great. Fallout 3

The last friend litteraly stood by and said nothing. Not before the fallout and not after. I dont even know'if that counts as a fallout. This girl was so cute, so fun, so talented, so FUNNY. And when it came to a heed she said nothing. No side taking. Neutrality. Okay

At this point I no longer had anyone to talk to I think. I was documenting my attempt and the horrible conditions of the psych ward on twitter for everyone of my "friends" to see. One i particularly loved so much because they genuinely were on the same level of insanity related to luzeni made a tweet about the late hystix, a person i did not know but a lot of the lupin fandom did. A beautiful soul that was always supportive and kind. Everyone was mourning her. It was truly heartbreaking. I hope she is in peace. Our attempts matched in timing, it was actually mindblowing. Mine just fucking failed because of nosy neighbors. I feel so close to her in spirit still. That we both struggled so much that we came to the conclusion that nothing could save us. She did not have the nosy neighbors. That friend mourned her publicly.. on twitter. Ok. Logical, its a depressing, horrible and sad situation all around. All we can do is mourn. Still, it was a friend I was genuinely close to. That never showed the empathy they did to me. Hey dude so im kind of facing the exact same issues but you never reached out ? While my torment was there and documented on twitter because again. I did not fucking know wat was going on. I was in a strict mental ward under a lot of dosage from nurses who refused to give me insulin even thou i was type 1. Friend said that they tweeted at me. No mention of the years and years of discussions we had on discord and me checking up on them everytime they pulled out for severe family matters and i was genuinely concerned. Nope they aparently tweeted something at me. Okay. Thank you for the concern. Your investment really shows. Fallout 4

after that I stopped friends all together. The fact that friends I was talking nigh on everyday to each revealed their lack of concern for me during an extreme mental health crisis was abyssmal to say the least.

Fallout 5 came with Sheen. I was managing a charity zine for Palestine, and the lack of investment from so many artists brought me to the edge. I took it out on Sheen in the softest way possible. I told them I was disapointed in their piece and that it looked low effory. Sheen, a person I had knwon for the entirety of my investment in the lupin fandom, decided that an offense was enough to block me and never speak again. Once again i was on the verge of yet another blow out. And it happened. Lol. Its just so funny in retrospect that everytime I start acting weird alluding to a breakdown people shun me out despite, you know. me being clear abt my medical record. I realized that I was rude to Sheen and it was uncalled for. Apologized publicly not in the attempt that Sheen sees it but just so that everyone knows that if they hear abt the story, at least they know its all been my fault. Online friendships are so cool because it just takes the block button to burn bridges without coming back. With no chance of mending or at least a genuine apology. so Fallout 5

Is there a reason that all of these issues happened within one fandom ? I do think so. Unless i am incredibly unlucky. Or an abusive piece of shit unbeknownst to me. I think that the lupin fandom is surface level niceties. If they dont like you you will know. It will be passive but you will be muted and eventually just ostracized. You will not be invited in fandom events, or group discussions. It did not help that my mental health was constantly deteriorating and I started developping a persecution complex, thinking that people were making secret discords where they were telling others to avoid me or something. Ive endured all of this for one thing. One Humiliating thing : i love luzeni. I love it so much I want a tatto of it. I love it so much that after years before sleep I pick a random fic and then imagine their discussions. I love their dynamic so much. I love their romance I love how fucking inhinged they are i love that they hurt and love each other the same, i love that they cant live without the other, that they genuinely complete each other in a really ugly but complete patchwork of mental illness and really elaborate kinks.

I gave up thou. Another depression, I blew out, attempted again with the window, got caught and sent to the hospital. It pulled me back from the fandom. I realized i was allocating so much of my thoughts to it and how I could be better perceived, how I could make friends again to talk about the fictional thing i loved the most in the world. And I realized that in giving up and keeping to myself, that I could be more stable. That the damage was done and I cant really enjoy this fandom anymore, but Im still attached to the hip to luzeni and so in the words of a really brilliant man... Nah... Ill do my own thing.

U might be wondering why the hell is this bitch airing their laundry publicly. Its therapeutic. You dont have to read or care. If those friends see it, and make a comment of their own about how the events did NOT happen like I told, I would love to hear how they perceived it. I do not give my friendship freely and easily and these people have done profound damage to my abilty to trust. And most of all, I never had any closure. I kept rethinking, blaming them, then myself, then miscommunication, then them and then myself again. To this day I dont know why all of this happend. Did I act like an unfathomable monster, or did my friend simply not give a shit enough to help me through this. I dont fucking know and I cant deny either options. Maybe I am talking through a completely selfish wrapped sens of perception that is not to be trusted. I wouldnt be surprised. I have a very hard time relying on my own brain lately. My health is deteriorating very fast, and shit is getting worse.

The second reason is that I am going to be interned for psychiatric issues for the next 3 months. For the first time in my life I think Ill finally get all the professional support i need, available and close. Im not going to be investing any time in the fandom, if simply talking to the psychiatrist abt this catastrophic strings of fallouts. I might be posting some luzenis, but frankly i doubt it. I only make fanart when I am happy, or sad enough but still capable. Im neither right now. You are not entitled to any of these informations, but I just wanted to write them out of my mind because I have a LOT of baggage to go on through and this is an extra bag I dont need so im throwing it out.

You cannot gauge an entire fandom from your perspective, the same way you cannot gauge an entire userbase. No, tiktokers are not the worst people in humanity. Neither are reddit users. Being on tumblr is cool, but it doesnt make u better than being on twitter. And so this is only my opinion of the lupin fandom. I met some amazing persons that i wish the best for, for ever and ever, but in all the niceties and welcoming you might see, I dont think that extends to a person with mental illnesses that are villified, or out of their control. I can fairly say that my experience was disapointing, and I dont intend to rekindle anything. Ill just be on the fringe maintaining the spirit of luzeni alive because fuck you monkey punch these are my characters now by law.

If you read until this bro get a life. Also im joking, youv given me more consideration than most people i met have. If your take after this is that I am deranged, then youv read right.

Thank you for reading. This blog has always been a pleasure to post on, even my most cringe and embarassing shippy stuff. Ive been met with nothint but support, and I truly enjoy being here because of you. I hope this isnt a 3+ month long goodbye. I hope I draw my lovers again. But I cant guarantee anything. I wish you all health most of all, and love and compassion.