#i might not post it tomorrow maybe Friday night idk

[tenzmj]

I haven't even gotten time to finish what I was working on cause of stupid ugly school, it just started and I can barley even stay up constantly falling asleep the second I get home 😞 so I'm very sorry if i made u wait so long only for u to be disappointed but i promise I'll try to turn it in tomorrow (i have no school) and if i dont i might just blow up 🤩

[thatshappinessforme]

When We Are Together - Pt. 1 (?)

omg...hi. i'm really here rn. posting this. at nearly 4 am on a monday morning. im nervous. i could vomit. so...this has been in my head for forever. literally. the idea is massive. it extends so far. it's seriously a whole universe in my little brain. it took so long to get the basis of this all out on paper, but, i'm hoping this is a series...a long one. the title isn't going to make much sense right now, but i pinky swear we'll get there eventually. so...without further ado...here she is...(EEK!) (also i have no idea how to set this post up so bear with me lol)

so i guess i just lost my fanfic writing vcard💌

_____________________________________________

word count: 2.4k

cw: just a little swearing, maybe a bit of bad writing, also maybe typos?? might be a little boring because it’s mostly to just like set the scene idk? (eventually the plan is to have a lil smut or smth but this really is just an intro lol)

_____________________________________________

The day starts as usual. You wake up to the sound of your alarm and your roommate’s hair dryer blaring through the thin walls of your Brooklyn walk-up. With a groan, you peel yourself out of the warmth of your bed, go to your desk, and open your laptop, holding onto a shred of delusional hope that one of your classes might be canceled for today; they rarely are…but you can’t blame a girl for being an optimist. 

You scroll through your inbox, refreshing, and refreshing – you really don’t want to go to class today. Blame the essay you’d procrastinated that you’d spent all of last night speed-writing. Blame senioritis. Blame the unpaid music publicity internship that you’d been letting eat up your time in hopes of scoring a good job. Blame the frigid snow and ice that seem to be taunting you from outside your window. But, luckily it’s a Friday.

You refresh your inbox one last time, just for good measure. And, something actually comes in. But, it’s not from one of your professors. It’s from some company named “Dirty Hit.”

You raise an eyebrow and open the email, thinking it must be something related to one of the countless jobs you’ve applied for in the last few weeks, preparing for graduation at the end of the semester.

Y/N,

I’m a representative with one of our bands here at Dirty Hit. We’re really impressed with your work and have an opportunity we’d love to discuss with you, if you have a free moment this week at some point. Are you based out of New York? Get back to us when you can. We’re looking forward to hearing from you.

Best,

The Dirty Hit Team

“That’s weird,” you whisper to yourself, reading the short, ominous email over and over again. It’s not everyday that a label reaches out to a random college student to work with them. You’re not really sure what they could possibly be impressed with. You’ve just done minor PR internship work with underground bands from the east coast – that’s not exactly impressive. It sure as hell doesn’t warrant an email.

“Y/N?,” you hear one of your roommates and best friend, Vivian, call from outside your door before walking in, not bothering to knock. The two of you are close, almost like sisters at this point. In some ways, you’re exactly the same person, but in others your polar opposites. She’s a little bit more outgoing than you are, but she always helps to get you out of your shell. “Do you think I can get this guy I’m talking to into the venue tomorrow night? It’s just at The Soundwave, right?,” she asks, plopping down on the corner of your bed. 

Shit. You completely forgot you signed up for an open mic tonight. You’d been playing your songs at small bars in Brooklyn and Manhattan for the past year or so. Songwriting had always been a bit of a hobby for you. So when you’re a broke college student in one of the most expensive cities in the world, you just find tricks to get you and your friends to do fun things for free. You’d learned a while back that performing at open mics usually meant you and your friends could get into bars and clubs without having to pay a cover, so you’d been spending your weekends doing that for a while. It’s all for fun. Sure, you like performing and put a lot into your songwriting, but pursuing it isn’t even quite a dream for you. You have an impending college degree you’ve worked your ass off for. In every sense of the word, music was a hobby for you. 

“Yeah, it shouldn’t be a problem. He might have to pay the cover, but it’s not like it’s the sort of thing where people buy tickets. You know the drill. But, obviously you’re my plus one, so no cover for you,” you nod, still staring at your laptop screen.

“What are you staring at, over there? Everything okay?,” she asks, getting up and moving to stand over your shoulder at your desk. You move your head a little so she can get a good look at the words on your screen. You watch her face as she reads the email, her lips dancing on each of the syllables as you watch her process it. “Dirty Hit? What the hell is that? Sounds like a porn company. Impressed with your work? Do you have a booming, secret OnlyFans I’m unaware of?,” she jokes. 

I laugh and playfully nudge her arm. “No, no,” you giggle, “It’s a record label, I think. I’ve heard the name thrown around a few times at my internship. I think they’re kinda big.” You tab over and do a quick Google search. Immediately, a sea of popular artists and bands pop up under the label.

“Holy shit. Beabadoobee? Bleachers? The 19 fucking 75? I have their fuckin’ poster on my wall. They’re cool as shit,” she reads over your shoulder. “I mean, I have no idea what they could possibly want from me. My resumè isn’t all that impressive. Sure, I’m planning on going into music PR, but there’s no reason why I would stand out against someone who has like…an actual career under their belt,” you ramble, trying to make sense of the 67 words in haunting your inbox. 

There’s a long pause, both of you trying aimlessly to make sense of the email. “Well, you’re gonna email them back, right?,” she eventually asks. You take breath, starting a reply to the email, leaving your cell phone number.

You try to focus on anything other than waiting for a reply. You do your best not to let your mind wander into the what-ifs, but as soon as you get done with your lectures for the day, you check your phone for any response.

Y/N,

Thanks for getting back to us so quickly. The band and management is also in New York for the next few months for a project. We would give you more information over email, but much of the matter is highly confidential. We have a studio space at Electric Lady in Greenwich Village that we could meet at, if that works for you. I know it is rather short notice, but could you meet this evening at some point? Let us know.

Best,

The Dirty Hit Team

You quickly reply to the email on your walk back from campus, confirming the meeting for later this evening. You get back to your apartment and practically tear apart your closet trying to figure out what the hell to wear. You know it’s a business meeting, but it’s also for some mystery band. You don’t want to dress unprofessionally, but you also don’t want to seem uptight. You decide on a black mini skirt with tights and a chunky black turtleneck sweater. You finish primping and step into Vivian’s room, practically out of breath from all the outfits you’ve tried on and scrapped.

“Okay, if you were a band looking for…a PR representative…? Would you hire me?,” you ask her, standing in front of her bed as she looks up from her phone. She looks you up and down and grins, “Of course I would, Y/N. You look great,” she reassures you, sensing you’re anxious, “So, you really think this is just a PR gig?”

“I mean, yeah. What else could it possibly be? It couldn’t be my music. I’m not even on any streaming platforms; I don’t promote it at all,” you say with certainty. She shrugs and smiles, before wishing you the best of luck as you head out the door.

You get on the subway and head to Electric Lady. The train has always been one of your favorite parts about living in New York for college. Putting your pink headphones on, looking out the window into the catacombs that stretch throughout the city, people watching. It’s where you did your best thinking. 

You get off the train and walk through the streets, your headphones on and your music blasting, only interrupted occasionally by Google Maps telling you where to turn and such. Eventually the robotic voice in your ear says “Arrived” and you look over your right shoulder…here it is. You're right on time. You go to open the doors, pushing on them gently; must still be locked. You sigh, assuming that its to be expected. That this is simply upholding a prophecy of some sort that the band and music-industry-folk run behind…until you hear a laugh.

“It’s a pull,” you hear a man’s voice call out with a slight chuckle. From just those three words, you’ve determined that he has one of the thickest English accents you’d ever heard. You look over your left shoulder and see a man leaning up against the wall of the studio smoking a cigarette. “What?,” you ask, confused as you look over to him. He has a hood on and you can’t make out his face, or what he was trying to tell you. “The doors. It says right on them. ‘PULL,’” he chuckles, tossing his cigarette to the ground and putting it out with his Adidas sneaker, walking over to you. “Oh, um, thanks, I’m an idiot. I almost gave up,” you chuckle, pulling the door open this time. The man follows you into the studio, holding the door open once you tug on it. You look back over your shoulder to thank him for holding the door, the first time he’s been close enough for you to make out his face; Christ, it’s Matty Healy.

“I know who you are,” he says to you with a cheeky grin as he starts walking into the back of the studio. You just stand there near the doorway, the gust of cigarette-scented, cold January air lingering around you. You’re perplexed, to say the least. He keeps walking down the hall before finally turning over his shoulder, “You’re just gonna stand there? You have a meeting. Wouldn’t be very professional of you to stand us up,” he teases dryly. You blink a few times before nodding, following him, still in a bit of disbelief that this was the band that had some sort of ‘interest’ in you.

He shows you into a studio in the back. Once he opens the door, there are four other men sitting there, three that you also recognize from your roommate’s wall. The other, a bit older, more professional looking. 

“Y/N! I’m Jamie, I manage these blokes. Thank you so much for agreeing to come meet with us today. I know everything was rather vague on the emails, but…we had to keep it that way. But, now that you’re here, let's talk, yeah? Are you familiar with The 1975?,” the older man asks you, in a super friendly manner as you sit down on a plush chair in the corner of the room. Every eye in the room is glued to you. The air is almost sticky with anticipation. You take a deep breath and try to slap on the most composed, thoughtful, professional smile you can manage.

“Um, yes! Of course,” you nod, tucking a stray strand of your hair behind your ear, “I’m actually a fan of you all. Really, I listen to your stuff with my friends – you’re fantastic.”

“Good, good. We’re glad to hear it,” he grins, looking around at the boys who also all look to be pleased. Even though everyone’s eyes are on you, you feel Matty's specifically, practically burning a hole in the side of your head as he stands, still leaning in the doorway.

“We’re impressed with you, Y/N. So, I’m just going to get on with it. George went to a little bar in Bushwick last month and sent us a video he took of you singing one of your originals…you’re bloody fantastic. We’re going on tour this summer. We want to do something a little different this time with our opener. We want to build someone from the ground up. You’re it. We want you. What do you say? You interested?,” he explains with a wide grin, his tone casual like he didn’t just tell you the craziest shit you’ve ever heard. 

Jamie’s words hit you in slow motion. You look around the room, the air moving from feeling sticky to feeling ice cold, jolting you awake. “I’m sorry…what the actual fuck did you just say?,” you blurt out blankly, any ounce of composure you may have had completely gone. 

You immediately catch yourself, your language, your lack of professionalism, though, “Oh my god, I’m sorry. I…that just came out of my mouth…I-,” your face goes bright red as you desperately try to correct yourself.

The room erupts in laughter, the men you recognize from Viv’s poster nearly barreling over off the sofa. Jamie’s jaw on the floor as he howls, slapping the table in front of him. You look over your shoulder to see that Matty’s still in the doorway, and he’s just standing there with his arms crossed, shaking his head at you with a shit-eating grin.

“Oh, I think we’re gonna get along quite well with this one,” he remarks, licking his lips, weirdly impressed with your mispeakings.

You can’t help but sigh softly and shake your own head when he looks at you like that; something in you shifting as if he’s the only person in the room; as if he was the only person who'd ever laid eyes on you; as if he was the only person ever. As if, the offer you got just moments before wasn’t the most absurd thing that had ever happened to you. As if you didn’t need to thoroughly think this all over. As if you could make the decision right now.

You look back over to Jamie, who’s still chuckling. Before you can give yourself the time to overthink, you swing one of your legs over the other, lean back into the chair and smirk, “Jamie, where the hell do I sign?” 

…and this is how it starts.

[i-luvsang]

hi marimoon ^^ saw your post from four days ago, and i hooe i'm not too late for this? ateez req incoming.

in honor of october (based off smth that happened this friday for me), teacher/employee reader and the guys preparing for kindergartners up til third graders going trick or treating tomorrow!! they probably planned matching outfits, some of them. hwa as toothless and somebody as light fury, for example. surprisingly i cant think of a specific member to pair this with? i just think its cute,,

just imagine these guys playing bits of the characters they're dressed up as,, aughh

pls take care of yourself!! missing u lots, marimoon

; 🌂

HELLOOOO you are absolutely not too late, though i am late to the whole october and halloween thing here lmao. was struggling with this request and i thought maybe my thoughts would flow better if i wasn't thinking of it as a formal request and just blabbed about it right here. but i adore this concept so i still wanted to write something about it and get something to you even if it's messy and possibly ends up incoherent :))

nonetheless, i hope you enjoy my word vomit because i truly do love this idea and you for planting it in my head <3 (only cw is alcohol mention, which has nothing to do with the children i promise lmao)

first of all i love this idea of this au where they're all teachers. given the kindergarten through third graders it's kinda perfect because each grade can have two teachers and they're like teacher pairs and it's cute and fun. and to add reader into this i thought it would be super cute if reader was like the school librarian and gets to interact with all the teachers and their classes. i was thinking about san and woo as the kindergarten teachers just because of how well they played with little arin and ayun. and then yeosang and jjong with the first graders just cuz i think they'd be so cute with younger kids but first graders are slightly less insane than kindergartners maybe ?? plus i think they'd be the funniest pair of teachers like i just adore they're dynamic and i'm just thinking about jongho turning all the children against yeosang and they just relentlessly tease him forever <3333 next up in second grade i put yunho and mingi and idk this is such a horrible idea like they would never get anywhere that classroom is just screaming and more screaming and the quiet kids are just like save us please :D and last but not least, we have seongjoong as the third grade teachers because i think they'd be the only one's who can discipline older kids and that hongjoong might die if the kids were even less mature that the third graders already are.

and then yeah, you are the school librarian (or some other staff member that frequently works with the classes but i'm just saying librarian bc i work at my school's library and what's fanfic without it being a self insert <3). and yeah you get to be besties with all of them because they're a whole big squad that kinda scares the other teachers but they kidnapped you into their group because you're just so cool and awesome and they love you and the things you do for their students <3

what they also love about you is that you love halloween and always help them prepare for taking the students trick or treating. i like the idea that all the pairs of teachers have a tradition of matching their costumes. and this year, it goes (mostly) great for (almost) all of them. the night before the event, the nine of you have a halloween party amongst yourselves, a tradition that started a few years ago. obviously, you all show up to seonghwa's apartment in costume.

this year, san and wooyoung have defaulted on onesie costumes, explaining that before, they had attempted to diy complicated anime character costumes. it was going well (or so they say) until yesterday when they realized they had neither the skills or time to finish the costumes. they are very pleased when you tell them you're a big fan of their matching kuromi and my melody onesies, and that you think the kids will also enjoy these far more than whatever elaborate plan they had before. jongho, on the other hand, is having a blast making fun of them.

and while woosan are stunning in their hello kitty costumes, yeosang and jongho are really vying for your favorite pair this year. though, it looks like yeosang’s thick biceps are struggling against the sleeves of his snow white dress despite his lovely features being complimented by the femininity of the outfit. jongho looks as charming (completely unfunny pun intended) as always in his prince charming outfit, ready to unknowingly continue stealing the hearts of all of his student’s parents.

yet, these costumes, along with yunho and mingi's, are causing a lot of noise because the tall pair of best friends showed up as a princess and his knight in shining armor. jongho is indignant, convinced that he and yeosang's costumes are far better. yeosang is drowning a bit in the shouting, but doing his best to defend himself when he gets the chance. wooyoung has told yeosang that he's a costume repeater because he played snow white in a play in middle school, but san thinks it looks cooler this time because of yeo's far bigger muscles. mingi says he looks prettier because his dress his pink and yunho won't really defend him on it, but insists that the costumes are different enough because he's a knight, not a prince (and that he's cooler for that same reason).

this time, seonghwa has chosen neither to be a part of the chaos nor to attempt to stop it, and is instead happily perched on the couch with a glass of wine because he is finally satisfied with his costume this year.

time and time again, seonghwa insists on dressing as toothless, convinced that it's the perfect costume for him. and time and time again, he begs hongjoong to be a matching light fury with him. and, you know it... time and time again, hongjoong has refused. he's offered to dress as hiccup, and maybe a different dragon, but he refuses to complete seonghwa's request. secretly, you think it's just hongjoong's way of getting back at seonghwa for the printer incident. but finally, seonghwa found a solution to make his dreams come true and just completely ditched hongjoong as his costume partner.

that is where you come in, sitting next to seonghwa in a matching light fury costume. hongjoong is actually still a part of this costume, dressed as hiccup so that the kids don't question him, but his part in this plan a bit irrelevant to seonghwa. he's just so happy to finally have completed this costume, and will not stop bragging about it to everyone in the room. he's told you that he won't allow you to be anywhere but at his side tomorrow so that he can show off your costumes, and you just nod along despite knowing that your job and large groups of children will certainly take you else where.

but aside from the fighting regarding jongsang and yungi's costumes, the night was lots of fun in which you all exercising your very special crafty skills that come with being elementary school workers. so there are so very adorable decorations that you'll set up in the morning tomorrow and another lovely set of halloween memories with your favorite people <33

[cryptidsurveys]

Friday, July 26th, 2024.

Do you ever worry about your future? (i.e.: college, marriage, kids, etc) I try not to dwell on it too much because it feels so daunting and hopeless, but yes, I do have a lot of fears about my future (finances, independence, living situation, deaths of loved ones, general survival…). I lost most of my teens and 20s to what I guess could be considered pretty severe mental illness, so I'm waaay behind where I should be for someone my age. It's only been over the past year or so that I feel like I've made real progress toward getting it together.

Does your family use coasters? Is anyone in your family excessively tidy? I use folded paper towels for drinks at my computer desk, but otherwise, no. Also, no one is excessively tidy, but I do try to keep things reasonably neat.

What’s your least favorite chore to do around the house? Do you have to do this often? Probably anything involving dusting. Idk why. It's not like I don't do the same damn thing at the animal shelter, and a whole heck of a lot more of it.

If you went to your mom/dad or whoever you live with and said “hey, I’ll clean the whole house if you give me 20 bucks” would they go for it? Would you raise the price? My dad and I share our incomes and expenses, so there wouldn't really be any point to that.

Are you usually late, early or right on time? Early.

If you wrote a journal entry about your last date, what would it say? Hmm.

On a scale of 1 to 5 how organized are you? Maybe 2-3.

Name a movie you can watch over and over again and not be bored with? I'm actually not the type of person to repeatedly rewatch movies. Once I know what's going to happen, no matter how much I might love a film, it just makes me feel somewhat bored and restless.

Do you wear pajamas to places other than at your house? Sometimes shopping. They aren't like pajama pajamas, though; it's usually something like sweatpants and a hoodie.

Do you take showers in the morning or at night more? I take them in the mornings, then again when I get home from the shelter.

What is the wallpaper on your cellphone? It's a photo of a dark and cloudy sunrise from yeeears ago.

Do you still have your tonsils? I do.

What is the worst thing someone has ever done to you? Idk.

Have you ever gone nude/streaked in public? No.

Do you snore? Steal the covers? Roll around in your sleep? I've never been told that I snore. Idk if I steal the covers. And my sleep style could be compared to a rotisserie chicken.

Why aren’t you with the person you love? I'm not in love with anyone.

Could you go out in public looking like you do now? Aside from the hoodie, which I put on when I got home, I just returned from a fundraising event for the shelter. You know how I was saying I was socially/emotionally worn out in the last survey? Well, I feel rather rejuvenated now. It was a really nice time. :') Also, maybe I'm too hard on myself when it comes to feeling like I don't belong. Like, there was a speech honoring staff, volunteers, sponsors, etc, and when it got to the staff part, I was clapping for some workers nearby and Marissa was like, "don't clap for me like you don't work here too!" ;D I'll try to post some pictures tomorrow. I'm too tired/lazy to bother with that now.

Do you like the rain? Yesss.

What is your mom listed under in your phone? Mom.

Do you like going to the dentist? No.

Are you afraid of speaking to large audiences? Yeah.

Are you afraid to tell the truth sometimes? Yeah, or to say what I really think/feel. It'd be honest, but probably not productive.

What’s one quality about yourself that you feel sets you back but also helps you? People-pleasing. I feel like it leads to people really liking me in a superficial way, but never really knowing me because I'm just sort of one-dimensional in that regard. I'm always happy/trying to make others happy, refraining from saying anything too real, deep, or controversial, etc. I'm starting to see how it keeps people at a distance and how it's probably part of the reason I have trouble truly connecting with others, but then I'm afraid that if I let my real personality show through, people wouldn't like that either. At least if I remain a people-pleaser, I can blame my defense mechanism. But if I let my guard down and people don't like me, well then what do I do…?!

Was anyone who had been in your company today in a bad mood? Maybe slightly.

The last time you felt sick what exactly was wrong? Migraine.

What did you do today? I was at the animal shelter from around 7am-12pm. Got home, showered, had lunch, took a survey, passed the time with some trash YouTube, had a snack at some point, and went to the event mentioned above.

[randomoranges]

i have not written anything in 45 yrs

i got this silly idea the other day

sometimes u just gotta write a silly

Notifications April 2023

 Edward settles in bed with a book he’s been looking forward to read, when he hears his phone go off somewhere around the living room. He must have forgotten to turn off the volume and the WIFI after watching a video on it, but he can’t really be bothered to get up to shut it. If anything, his phone will discharge and that’s a problem for Future Edward.

 He makes himself comfortable, happy for the blissful quiet of his house, when he hears his phone ping again. Clearly, it’s a coincidence, and he does his best to ignore it to concentrate on the gripping tale in his hands, however, the blasted device screams from the other room and Edward cannot ignore it anymore.

 Maybe, he thinks, as he gets out of his comfortable bed with a huff, slipping his feet inside his slippers, it’s an emergency and at this point it better be. Whoever this person is has successfully interrupted his down time and he will not stand for this. (Granted, he should have turned his device off as he normally does, but that’s a detail.)

 By the time Edward finds his phone – nestled between the couch pillows – practically hidden, there must have been half a dozen other pings and dings that had reverberated throughout his living room and when Edward finally unlocks the damned thing, it’s to find that someone’s liked a myriad of photos of him on Facebook. (Which reminds him, he needs to ask Calvin to stop a) taking candid shots of him and b) posting them on social and c) tagging him in them.)

 Edward nearly and almost chucks his phone across the room.

 To think he’d been bothered by that.

 And here he thought there’d been an emergency.

 This will teach him.

 He puts the volume off and is about to shut the thing completely, but then another notification comes in and his curiosity gets the best of him.

 Who the ever loving fuck is stalking his photos and why?

 He’s only partially surprised when he sees that all nineteen notifications have come from the same person; Étienne M. Maisonneuve.

 Annoyed, but mildly so, and now more intrigued, he fires off a quick text message as he walks back to his room.

 Message to Curly:

You know if you wanted my attention, you could have just called instead of sending your weird SOS

 He picks up his book, intent, really, to read it, but he finds himself picking up his phone again to see if Étienne will answer him or if he’s done with his little social experimentation.

 Message from: Curly

Édouard!!!! Hi :D

 Judging by the message, Étienne is not in distress but he might be up to no good. It is Friday night after all and that could mean a multitude of things.

 Message to Curly:

Hello yourself. I thought you were out tonight?

 Maybe it’s tomorrow night, but he’s pretty convinced Étienne had mentioned he was going out Friday night, last time they had spoken.

 Message from: Curly

I an ouyt and about!

**out

***am

 Edward grins at the corrections.

 Message to Curly:

How drunk are you lol?

 Message from: Curly

Might be a biiiiiittttttttttttt gone ahahahaha. Maye habe had a drinkly b4 going out with the gays.

*guys

**well theyre also gay HAHAHA.

 He kind of hates how he does actually crack a smile at the joke, but he schools his face in a neutral expression, even though he is aware that Étienne cannot see him.

 Message to Curly:

Then why are you going through old photos of me and liking them? Is the party that boring?

 Message from: Curly

Noooooo. Parties realy good.

*Party’s

**?? Idk what speilling is anywmore

Im having a smoke outside.

 Message to Curly:

And you decided to look up photos of me? Instead of socialising with everyone else?

 He doesn’t mean it as a reprimand. He just knows how Étienne works and how he’ll start a conversation with anyone within a foot of him.

 Message from: Curly

Éfodouard!

**Édouard!

See. I Loïc and Daniel wanted to see photographic proof of you ecisting.. So I found a photo of you on FB bcs I emptied my phone like yesterday so it’s void of you now ;(  which I knoe is a travesty. But. So I went on FB and then showed them ur profile pic. And then I went out for a smoke and there was literally no one outside. So I returned to FB and started looking and then I found like a million of photos that I had never seen??????? So I had to like them. To show be supportive.

 Message to Curly:

Uh-huh.

 It’s not that Edward doesn’t believe him; he just finds the tale a little amusing. That and how completely gone Étienne’s sentence structure seems to be.

 Message from: Curly

Shhhhh. Ure like fcking hot okay???? Im not allowed to look at photos of my hot bf??????

 He forgets how much blunter Étienne becomes when he’s had a few drinks and who knows what else and so, the message takes him by surprise. He feels his face heat up and puts his phone down for a moment to compose himself.

 Message to Curly:

You can look all you want but those are old.

 They are. Some are from before they got together. Then again, it’s not like he can stop him from it anyways.

 Message from: Curly

I don’t care. I hadnt seen them b4. Plus I totally still look at older pics of u n me from way back. We were total killers anywahs hahah.. But u look happy in these. N cute. N lovelyyyy. Did calvin take them???? Msurprised u don’t look ready to murder him ahahahahahahha.

Jk

But tell him thank u for the photos hahahahahaah

If he took them lol

Or just thank u to the person who took the photos

Also I havent seen u in like 45 yrs so I have to look at pics to not forget what u look like :(

 He would have looked ready to murder Calvin if he would have been aware that Calvin was taking any of these. Yet, it seems as though Calvin has the uncanny knack of snapping a photo when he isn’t looking. And – they aren’t bad photos, really. However, he will need to have a chat with Calvin about this, or at the very least keep a better eye on what he gets tagged in. (In Calvin’s defence, the photos are all very tame; one of him out gardening from last summer, another from a recent walk when he’d stopped to look at a window display and such.)

 Message to Curly:

Your life truly is tragic.

 Message from: Curly

It is the tragicest. Édouaaaaard. When will I see u again????? :( :( :(

 Message to Curly:

Soon, hopefully. I miss you too <3

 Message from: Curly

:D

Ok. Smoke finished and its cold outside. I will let u go back to ur old man routine <3

 Message to Curly:

Who says I’m not out having fun as well??

 He’s almost insulted that Étienne would assume that he’s not out and about, but then again, it’s not as if Étienne is wrong either. Plus, he can imagine Étienne’s stupid little pleased smile and he’s a sucker for it something fierce. Another good thing that they’re not currently occupying the same space, otherwise, Étienne would have seen through him. Then again, maybe not, if only for the fact that Étienne isn’t really sober at the moment. He could use that to his advantage.

 Message from: Curly

Pls. I know u. u have something tmrw nite. U like having one night of Calm TM.

 Message to Curly:

Maybe I’ve changed. New year new me and all.

 Message from: Curly

Hahahahahahahaha. Ure so funny Édouard. Hot and funny ;)

 Edward huffs. It’s not fair that even in his inebriated state, Étienne still manages to get the upper hand on him. He’ll have to concoct some revenge plan for a later date.

 Message to Curly:

You just like tormenting me.

 Message from: Curly

I do. It’s super fun. Ure super fun.

Oh!

I know!

We should go out next time ure here!

Like before – but better!

Its not the same as before but its still fun. We can have fun!!!!

Go out!!!!!

Plus like last time and the one before or wtv was fcking lame bcs curfew and shit. Or just panini stuff.

Theres a few cool places ud like.

 Message to Curly:

I’ll leave the planning to you then.

 They don’t need to go out. He likes just spending time with Étienne, even if all they do is hangout in his backyard. But – he knows Étienne likes showing him the sights and taking him out and he doesn’t mind.

 He thinks about it for a moment – they really haven’t been out to a club since the fallout and the getting back together. He wonders what it would be like. For starters, the scene has changed tremendously. Then, there’s the fact that they’ve both changed over the past few decades – for the better, thankfully. He knows it’ll be different than it had been before, but he also knows (and hopes) that it’ll be fun. If anything, Étienne had always been good at that.

 Message from: Curly

Ok. Ok im going back in now

Yesssss.. Enjoy ur wtv. Ill call u next. I love you <3 xxxxxxxxxxxxx

 Message to Curly:

Looking forward to it. Be safe. Love you too. <3 xx

 He waits a moment longer, almost certain Étienne isn’t quite done, and he laughs loudly, when there’s one more notification that pops up on his phone. He shuts if off afterwards and finally picks up his book for good.

 FIN

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary331

8/16-17/24

friday - saturday

watched 2 movies today...

last night i asked my friend for a bunch of silent films to watch, one of the ones he suggested was the marriage circle, a lubitsch film, i decided to because it seemed kind of normal i suppose?? i dunno, but i ended up quite liking it, the more i think about it, the more i like it, it's just rather funny, it's not much more than rather funny as well, but i like the way it's funny, and i like how silent films thus far seem to handle guilty characters, the panic and the way others don't see it, the invisibility of the obvious guilt, the fact that you can't be so guilty something disappears, that it has to be about expressing it, coming to terms with it, making something pass, this feels different to what we see now. though that's hard to articulate because #sleepy so i'll try tomorrow. tomorrow i'll probably watch nosferatu.

the 2nd film i watched today was l'etoile de mer, by man ray, it's watchable on yt:

i love the shot that's here as the thumbnail, definitely a very beautiful short. the poem used in it has me curious about desnos, so i dled a book of his poetry, to see what that's like, has me very curious about man ray's other films, so maybe tomorrow i'll also do another one of those? or i might try the short artaud wrote. i'm very excited to uncover other surrealist films, hopefully i can find more stuff from the 20s, it feels odd to me that there's not a ton listed places but there must be more than i see, i suppose it's also a good idea to widen the search to also include dadaist films.

again i'd like to say more about the movie... there's a lot there about how it handles its procession of images, the grammar of that up against the lubitsch, for instance, here the presence of nudity, relaxed bodies, a greater sense of informality, subtlety in the acting, in lubitsch, and with most narrative films probably of the time, the actors had to do that to get themselves across, and create excitement, and it is also a meaningful and interesting way to express emotion, the actors in surrealist film, at least in man ray, they're not less weird, really, they are obviously of this time in some way, but there's more slackness, less cartoonish maybe. but in the editing and movement of the camera too, there are many differences, and then the ways all of this is organized, images fall back on themselves in man ray's film, at one point the explosion of all these simultaneous images, simultaneity in lubitsch does occur in ways, mostly for gags, and never with editing, so much as long sustained shots and then the consequences of whatever mishap. it's fascinating.

but i gotta sleep, we went out today and weren't out late just for a while, since 2 pm, and we're just so sleepy from out dumb schedules getting fixed. it was great to see our friend, and we saw our other friend at the book store she works at, we went out to eat after, i saw a kid unwrap his burrito at a restaurant and hold the tortilla over the plate, everything falling off, seeing him learn how things work wwas kind of awesome, and i made a stupid joke that inspired some writing. in the bookstore i read some books that i cannot buy... i read some of horse crazy by gary indiana, and some of the passion according to g.h. by clarice lispector, both are books i would really like to have and read all of... but cannot atm. i will pick through desnos' poetry book that i dled, i think, at least, and tomorrow try and get thru more of dennis coopers new book, and work on music. that might seem like a lot... but i can do it.

reading felt good today, it centers me a bit i think, especially gary indiana, idk why, his way of writing connects to me somewhere inside, some kind of thing to do with all the distance i feel, the ways i ruminate and all that...

gotta... sleep... i took selfies too today, i'll post them tomorrow also... promisszszsse

so

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[smollobsession]

Posted 27.5.

Start of the month:

Met with P in Telč. The weather was terrible :D but I had good svičkova and a good talk with my friend! I also picked up some albums she's been wanting to get rid of, and I'll pass them on to my kids who want them! woo!

As I was on the bus to get there, I passed the "pretty bridge" again and I decided to finally find it and check out the view. I was right, it's amazing! I then went on to Chodov for some more cinnabuns :D

On Sunday I went to Hlavni, thought I'd play some pogo. Honestly not many good raids but I did one and I finished a few researches so ok. I had a YUMMY pancake with ice cream.

6.5. Considering doing this

7.5. I had the most productive morning wow. first of all, i slept i think 9h so wow to that! Made and filled pancakes for C's bday, packed them up nice with skz stickers :D caught up on met gala skz gossip :D made lunch (sandwich and smoothie) bought rice and made breakfast (i researched this morning and apparently potatoes are also bad for ibs. all starches except bland ass white rice are, so, white rice it is) did most of the dishes so it's not a whole mess.

i still have pancakes left over so that's tomorrow sorted :D

i'm following what's happening in Palestine and getting ready for this week's protest. :/

but in the process i was on fb again and found this bit of typical internet discourse

8.5.

:( onigiri class for adults is full. the lady hasn't contacted me about meeting. and yesterday i made pancakes for a new friend but it turned out we weren't able to meet and my class pissed me off so i just ate the pancakes.

i'll give it till the end of this week and then i'll contact the lady asking to maybe only speak online, if meeting is too hard.

talked to my dad about this new job idea and he's enthusiasic. his idea is that if i'm looking for a bridge job, i might as well look for one in the general area (family) of they company i'd like to work for. he said oil rigs have a similar system. they are called differently tho which makes my search even more complicated.

idk why, when i talk to others about this, it seems so possible, but when i'm in my own head, it seems like a silly dream.

meanwhile, pogo gave me 2 more useless 4 stars :D i mean yay i'm happy with my collection but truly every pokemon i use and want to be good is meh :D

the animation before i could catch the diancie was fun :) but the diancie also has trash stats lol.

hello sir mr vegas sir... afterglow you say? O.O

in completely opposite news, i guess i'm happy someone put this up, even if clearly someone was Very Upset it was up.

it's nice to know that despite it all, there are SOME czech people who care.

OMG SOMEONE IS USING THE ESIM I BOUGHT!

12.5. They used a bit more!

The lady I wanted to talk to about work has rejected me. I guess my next stop is reddit :D

I had Korean on Friday and it was excellent! I then went to the agency that someone recommended to talk about potential job offers in my city and they were like "uh you should send us an email" which YEP i knew it (i tried but it got spammed).

Yesterday sure was a day. It was my mom's 11 years dethiversary. I had a weird ass dream about her of course.

I made a very hopeful meal plan for the rest of the month... fingers crossed. then went shopping for it. I also went to balkan store to get sweets for my kids, but I'll have to do more today bcs they didn't have my faves. Went to Flora to do some of my Korean HW - I have too much lol - and had a cake for breakfast... not the healthiest of choices but I was starving by that point because I didn't have breakfast at home. Saw C and said hi :D Then had a phonecall with D.

I hoped to see Aurora Borealis last night so I went to sleep early. I just slept until midnight, went out to see if anything was there - saw the city was oddly lively at midnight - didn't see AB, went back to sleep. Got a solid 9-10h last night thanks to this :D

There's a protest today, I'm getting ready and I shaved my legs :D priorities! :D

wore a dress and open sandals, no regrets, it was perfect for the weather, especially with the hat and the mask.

on my way to the protest i was on a bus and a man reached over and gave me a flower. i was confused but my kids reminded me it's mother's day!

some of them are going to the rammstein concert so the chat is buzzing :D (in the city i also saw hockey fans so wow so much stuff happening here now)

it was a good protest overall, though i felt like there were maybe fewer people than last time. sadly when we arrived there was a small group of pro isr protesters waiting for us (with cops between us, no issue) and a lady had a massive panic attack, it was kinda scary. ambulance came and helped her and i think it all ended up ok.

I went to the other balkan market later and got a burek and the rest of the sweets i want to share.

then i went to flora again to finish my homework. and have one more cake hehe

rip my feetsies :D

meanwhile... two things i'm considering. a) swimming in the local pool once a week. idk yet i'm so scared to try but :/ i want to? b) tmi but there's a big sxtoy store near the balkan market and i'm considering a toy. we'll see. honestly i'm far more concerned about the swimming... being perceived half naked is uh :(

and on a totally different note, i asked on reddit about the job and yeah... i think it's not for me. sadly. ah well.

18.5. hm so far all my attempts to socialize have been destroyed, i wonder why :D telc was good but rainy and i ended up being 1h late. my local friend wasn't in for pancakes. last week i made plans for pub quiz and then i locked my card by typing in the wrong number 3 times as i was trying to withdraw ca$h for the quiz master. Sigh. Even the fun lesson i planned with that one class ended up being with only half of us!

Now I joned a pogo group for bounsweet community day... let's see if i manage ><

some other adventures have been happening tho! I managed to try corncob - why sweet? and i found a taiyaki place that i really like!

yesterday before korean (since i had to leave early to unblock my card......) i was bored and it was raining so i found myself in the small botanical garden which currently has a succulents exhibit.

I did buy a smol one :) and it inspired me to clean my plants too so i did some of that yesterday and today.

After Korean I ended up at the Nepalese Indian place and had a great lunch. Omg their food is so good sob.

In fandom news, Jeff is in Sweden. I'm fine.

And this vid of Khao by First just melted me. Sometimes when people take pictures or even draw people they love you can just see how they see them and it's wonderful.

And I made plans with P for next weekend! I'm exciteeed!

It's spring here and plants are pretty <3

21.5. I've exercised 3 days in a row so that's nice.

On Sunday i did go to the center to meet up with the pogo group i follow on discord. i managed to speak to absolutely no one and even the pic we took hasn't been posted so there's like 0 evidence i was there. well, i got some codes from the leader so that. sigh, i'm so bad at this.

i got my period and bled all over everything again, despite a tampon and a pad. so now i'm washing all my sheets and protectors. happy tuesday to me.

27.5. last Thursday I joined the Pub Quiz group and had a good time and wasn't totally useless. Just got another confirmation I should have more faith in myself.

Evaluations sent and I'm slowly wrapping up the school year. (Omg today I talked to S*'s mom and I was so awkward lorde why am I like thissss aaaa)

Ugh ANYWAY. This weekend P visited! We did some good (and some mid :D ) food tasting, went to a medieval fair and visited the castle!

When she left, I got on a tram and spent an hour just traveling and reading. I'm reading Natsume's book of friend's finally and I still love it as much as I did originally. Such an underrated manga.

Did my homework in a cafe and had some cake :) and then did my shopping for the week.

Wednesday will be my last Full Day at work. It's really hard saying bye to some of the kids. sG said today that he'll continue if I'm not the teacher. He will be really busy and he would have made time for me but now he's not sure. I almost wept yo. Teens.

PS. I tried a new form where I write more often and keep it in a draft. I like it... but I wonder if it'll post without errors hahaha

[skinni-girls-eat-books]

Tuesday, April 9th, 2024!

12:45am: Studied, now taking a nap till 4am lol wish me luck!! Had delicious meatballs for dinner, had a great day, saw the solar eclipse (!) and didn't hear from old guy which was nice for once!! Tired of him calling and ruining my Mondays with his sob stories :) I'm just saying I actually had a hella productive day because I wasn't triggered before noon! Hallelujah ❤️ good night everyone I love you all :) ❤️

12:26pm: I'm so burnt out and doneeee. Also just ewwwww ick what a fucked up guy fr I had to put him in his place in order for him to treat his gf right 🤢 fucking hell I'd be so embarrassed if he posted me ever again like I think I would fr cry out of embarrassment. I want to tell her so badly but(!) that would only put bad karma on me I really don't want that, just let her find out eventually ❤️ yuck

4:41pm: I think he blocked me from messaging him, but didn't actually block me? Why are there so many different ways to ignore someone lmao I didn't even know you could do that. Sucks for him. I'm done with my pediatric kidney transplant research, 🥳 and he's not around. Kinda like he died or something. He really went with me through all the bullshit but didn't want to stick around for the end result is kinda fucking crazy and stupid tbh. Really really really crazy to think another guy is gonna get the big baller Dr. version of me, and he only got the stressed out poor broke ass weight gaining student version but whatever. It's not like I wasn't going to make it at some point. Anyway, his loss and someone else's gain 😎❤️ You would think he'd appreciate it the most, but he was too pussy to have a bad ass Dr. as a wife and just REALLY wanted to be the aLpHa MaLe and needed a lower level bitch 😬😂 The definition of self sabotage and toxic masculinity/ red pill bs. I need a confident man to match my energy and that's really some shit he was never able to do. It doesn't matter what you do for a living either I just need you to own your shit. He always wanted me to be quieter or more chill because he just wasn't shit. Every time I shined he looked like a rusty piece of junk instead of just shining with me. It's not like I wanted him to be beneath me, but he really wasn't helping himself either. Whatever. His loss is someone else's gain 🥰 Can't wait to find my partner ❤️

10:09pm: I really want to take my birth control out but I'm just gonna wait until I can call the pharmacy tomorrow because I don't know how early I can pick it up! This is killing me. I have deduced from planned parenthood (thanks!) that because I've had it in for infinity number of weeks (lol) I'm good to take it out as long as the new one goes in at 7 days or earlier if I want to try to change my start date?. The out time just cannot exceed 7 days. I want to have it out the whole 7 days this time and maybe I'll duck around with it next time trying to move it to Mondays again instead of Friday?? Idk I just need this shit to enD I remember why I skipped my period for six months straight now. I think that might be a record I haven't seen much longer than 2-3 months.

Goals: Start my period asap (safely) and get as much out as possible* I stg I'm gonna be chugging cayenne juice n vitamin C and tea and water y'all don't knoW. I want the spotting to STOP. Side note I also put bandaids on my boob acne maybe this will get under control :')

Get through this week's work and become the CritCare expert and try not to fail the last OSCE omg :') last verbal defense :')) it's all coming to an end literally.

Seriously though staying hydrated and *stress relieving* are the main goals until next weekend.

By the time the 19th rolls around (!!!) y'all aren't ready for that HYPE ASS weekend free dinner and Jesse McCartney and then the last week will be a BLUR 🤠

It's so funny because when I'm lit I know I'm not going to be thinking about him. It's not even that bad anymore. I can't imagine when the stress is 0%. I'd say I'm more fatigued than stressed atp too, like stress is about 20% and it's all to do with my period tbh, not even school. A little anxiety about APPE so maybe 25% but I'm not even really thinking about that yet either.

[maybanksbabe]

🧡.

For some reason I didn’t get any notifications from you today 🥺

Anyways I’m thinking about dropping out at least until I pass my English exam because I really have no idea what’s going on and I’ve gone to every class 😭💔

I've been suupperrr quiet today bestie you didn't miss anything I promise 😅 between this developing headache and the impending flight back to England on Friday night I am clinging on by my nails 😅✌🏻but I've also not had any other anons so 🤷🏼‍♀️ idk but bestie that sounds rough! Maybe just keep at it? Whatever would make your life easier!

I might do a spate of posts tomorrow, some more lil drabbles to get some inspiration going 🤔 and I'll make a poll to see who I should post for 👍🏻

[theglitchywriterboi]

vent post- [Under read more cause it's a lot. TL;DR, I fucking hate my oldest brother so much & for a lot of reasons other than whats in this post]

So my older brother, who we'll just call N, asked my little brother & I to take out the garbage [bathroom & kitchen] and recycle today, but he didn't have any time he wanted it done, just by today cause the garbage & recycle comes tomorrow [or Friday depending on when you see this]. So my little brother had started on the recycle & asked when I wanted to do the bathroom garbage [it normally overflows so its a two person job] And... Well its easier if I break it down like this:

Little Brother: "So do you wanna do the bathroom garbage at 10:30"

Oldest Brother [We'll call him S]: "No you're not doing it then" [Keep in mind he was already hostile in tone***]

Little brother: "... Why???"

S: "Because I go to sleep at 11PM, you're doing it now" [two things to note: He's almost NEVER in bed at 11 or even preparing at 11. Most nights he's still playing video games at 12 to 1AM. And also he's still being rude/hostile, he's not at all being calm or nice about any of this. For him talking just imagine his tone is rude/hostile]

Little brother: "How does us doing it at 10:30 interfere with that..."

S: "BECAUSE !! You guys are gonna take a while to get it done !! And why wait ?!"

Little brother: "Because I don't want to do it now. And it literally doesn't take long"

[This goes on a little longer, S tells us [not once did he ASK we do it sooner, he repeatedly told us we're doing it now] He also said we're doing the recycle now, to which Little brother said "Thats what I'm trying to do now jackass" & S didn't reply]

Me, to little brother: "Just get me when you wanna do it" *Walks to my room cause I'm holding shit & I don't wanna argue w/ him*

S: *More about how we're doing it now*

Me: *Doesn't reply cause of already stated reasons*

S: "Really [my name] you're gonna be like that???"

Me: "I'm putting stuff away oh my god..." [Yeah not super nice to walk away/not reply while hes talking, but he was being really rude][ALSO I SHOULD SAY he has this tent in the living room - it's like a big curtain that all his stuff is in & that he was in, so he wasn't seeing us he was just yelling at us]

S: *Tbh I wasn't really listening because he was still being rude, but basically being mad I didn't reply*

So I took a beat to not have to deal w/ him, like less than five minutes. I typed on my phone basically saying "Lets just do it now so he stops being an asshole" & showed it to little brother. Do you know how long it took us to do it ?

FUCKING SIX MINUTES [and thats w/ a buffer, we set a timer & it had only passed 5 minutes when we finished]. So when we came out we were being a bit cocky about it if I'm being honest. [But note that while we knew he could hear, we weren't talking TO him or purposely being loud about it, we were talking in normal speaking voices]

Little brother: "Wow that too sooooooo long !!!"

Me: "I know right ?!?! Its almost midnight !!"

S *Yelling*: "I SAID I DON'T GIVE A FUCK IDK WHY YOU GUYS ARE BEING ASSES ABOUT IT, GODFORBID YOU'RE ASKED TO DO ANYTHING"

[Which like... We were literally ALREADY doing it when he started demanding we do it now.... And the only reason we get upset when he "asks" us to do stuff, is because he almost never asks, he normally demands & is an asshole about it..]

Idk, maybe this makes it look like little brother & I are just as bad as he is - which maybe. But he's always so rude about everything. Also if he had just been a normal human about it & went "Hey, I'm going to bed at 11, do you mind doing it sooner ?" *We say it doesn't take long at all* "Oh, I'm sure it doesn't but just to be safe I'd prefer if it was done sooner, especially since I might turn in sooner" We would've done it then w/ no issue, the problem was he was being a fucking asshole about it. Also maybe its worth mentioning MOST of the garbage in the bathroom is his used tissues. Like I'm not even exaggerating.

[theboardwalkbody]

I have been dealing with intense nausea for almost a week now. It's worst in the mornings and at night.

On top of that I have been in horrible pain from cramps on and off (but more frequently the last two days) for a week (aunt flow coming any day) with bleeding from the really strong ones.

I've been able to eat regular food on and off but during the really bad nausea episodes I've only managed to have some toast and soup (and last night couldn't even stomach that). I was feeling alright this afternoon and had cereal but the milk was a mistake. I might try to sip some soup and ginger ale for dinner.

I was off work because it was way too bad last week. But I'm due back for a 12hr shift tomorrow morning and I really can't call out again because not only will I be in trouble with them but also financially I can not miss any more pay.

I don't know what it is. It's making me scared.

On and off (more on than off) nausea, severe spike in my depression, severe cramps and bleeding before my period, fatigue, on and off appetite, chills, low fever (up to 99.6F), body aches, frequently in the bathroom....

I had my second injection of Taltz on Friday AM which doc says could cause "flu like" symptoms for 24 to 48 hours. But wouldn't I be feeling better by now? I know it's probably a shitty combo of PMS and post injection reaction. But I just feel so shitty I've run through the WEBMD catalog of everything from appendicitis to cancer to endometriosis to pregnancy (I have paraguard so highly unlikely) to ruptured ovarian cyst (I actually have an appointment with that doc in a couple weeks because I didn't want to go while on my period). Maybe I'm dying and need the hospital.

IDK

I just took some anti-nausea meds (prescription left over from a previous illness) but it's been an hour and I still feel nauseous so I don't think it helped.

I feel so alone and helpless and sick.

[songmingisthighs]

!! A N N O U N C E M E N T !!

hewwow I'm. . . back :3

so things has been crazy since friday and y'all know i'm very open about my condition and about what happened to me so imma try to keep this... 'simple'

full disclosure : i am not blaming anyone or trying to push blame or trying to guilt trip anyone, I'm just sharing my story.

tw : anxiety attack, suicide attempt, mentions of a mental health facility, drug abuse (?), bad mental condition, mental disorders, etc. idk lmao sorry. read at your own discretion.

so i done fucked up. the prank i pulled backfired and i hurt some people badly. at first i didn't know they were genuinely hurt so i didn't think much of it but then they really showed how disappointed and affected they were and that freaked me out. I tried reaching out and everything but of course they needed time to like take a breath and just think, recuperate, etc. but the silence in the server really freaked me out and I had an anxiety attack. the worst one in the past two years for sure. i slipped and hit my head hard that i needed to go to the hospital lmao.

and after the check up, me and some family members who accompanied me walked home (because literally the hospital is next to my apartment) and i kinda almost yeet myself in front of an incoming truck out of impulse. after that i kinda did another attempt and my family considered either putting me in a suicide watch or just permanently ship me off to like a facility. thank fuck they didn't or else i would never be online ever again.

since then i've had 2 other attempts during the night and my anxiety didn't go away. I had to down an entire bottle of nyquill to sleep.

but the situation became better the next day but i'm already tits deep in depression and my anxiety was still there and like it was just a whole ass circus in my head, fucking ridiculous ngl.

even now i'm still struggling with my mental state. that one even sent me into a deep spiral and I couldn't escape. I had had multiple panic attacks on top of my anxiety attacks, i'm anhedonic, depressed, and that depression evolved into insecurity, body image issues, my bulimia, self-depreciating tendencies, intrusive thoughts, and other things that really put a halt to me being productive.

anywho, i'm REALLY sorry for not updating, I just really couldn't find the strength to pretend like i wasn't affected and that i could function.

i will try to update tonight, it might be slightly later or maybe i backed out because i'm scared and i'll post tomorrow instead. but i'm gonna try.

I hope you guys are still here waiting for me. i know that's like a lot to ask and like, why would y'all ?? but it's just a small hope.

see y'all in the next post <3

- smt

[ecl1pse]

little over a week before my trip to mu uncle’s my best friend told me she had been taking care of little girl for a few hours when her mom told her the little was feeling unwell. they went to the hospital & tested positive for covid. i told her to get pcr test asap but she said she went home & wanted to wait & see if she got any symptoms beforehand. i said it was fine but just stay put in her room & not make any food for her family bc that was how i got my family sick back in jan. well, the day that i was traveling out of the city, right as i was finishing getting ready she called me to say she was feeling an itchy throat & had a headache.she said she was setting up the appointment for her test for the next day & i told her to again stay put until her results came in 48 hrs after. this would be on friday but she said she was planning on going back to help out w that little girl on monday bc she & her mom were feeling better. i got so pissed i told her i had to hang up & finish packing. i was already done packing but i was so mad i had write my part on message bc i knew if i continued the call o was going to scream at her & cause a fight. so i did that & she replied that the test wouldn’t matter bc she was going back anyways & the mom was fine bc she didn’t care abt covid, hadn’t even gotten vaccinated. i didnt reply bc i was abt to board & i was growing livid + i had shit i had to be busy with instead of this. i think having those messages sitting in my inbox every time i went to reply to someone else bc i didn’t really enjoy my trip as much as i could have & it took me over two weeks to reply. but i knew i had to do it bc her birthday is tomorrow & i would feel horrible if i didn’t try to reach back again & idk… mend things before that. i just. i don’t know what else to say besides i’m surprised she’s letting herself be influenced by someone so irresponsible of her own children, so i messaged her that.

idk. i feel like i might be exaggerating things… but i mean, isn’t this kind of behavior why we can’t fucking get out of a pandemic??? i know it might be hypocritical of me considering i literally line up for two hours to cross the border like 3 times a week & spend at least 4 hrs in a store full of people. but at least i’m trying take precautions. i never take my mask off unless i’m drinking or waiting. no matter how hot i’m getting. i’m washing my hands every time i go back. i’ve been sleeping on a very tiny couch at home almost every night since i came home just in case, esp after i started getting a scratchy throat which was nothing bc im currently sharing a bed w my sister & i don’t want her to get sick.

again i dont know what to do & i don’t wanna end our friendship over this bc we’ve been friends for so long & really do care for her & i love her dearly. i want her to be well & healthy & happy so i was pushing her to at least make sure she had covid so she could take proper care of herself. the uncle i visited is a doctor w his own private practice in a low income area in monterrey & he told us so many sad stories while i was there that i wish i could have recorded him to show her later. cuz even tho we both are social recluses & our lives didn’t change much post this whole ordeal, it doesn’t mean that we should be treating it so lightly. or maybe i’m just being annoying & wanting to be right. i just don’t know

[thirstyforoc]

🎂

I know his birthday was a couple days ago but my brain doesn't work that well and I'm always early for everything else, I can be late for this.

Here's something to read that's probably not great and wordy and rambly and really only relevant to my own interests. I had to hammer this out because I just had to and it took longer than I expected because I can't shut the fuck up. Read it if you feel like it or don't, I'll still love you either way.

Using real names so don't keep going if that bothers you. I didn't post the picture but I make a reference to that one pic of him at Medieval Times, you know the one, at least I hope you do. Enjoy.

Idk, I just like picturing every single birthday Dustin and Jim have spent together since they became friends. Sue me. I have too much time on my hands and like to think about their relationship so I have to get this out. Here. Take it.

It's early in their friendship, a few years in. They're in Philly for a show and Dustin knows it's almost Jim's birthday, he's aware it's coming up but he forgot what day it fell on and that it was so soon until Jim brings it up. He's never super sober or super clear on what day of the week it is, that's just how he lives. If anyone has a problem with it that's on them. Jim never seems to take issue with it though. Maybe that's why their friends?

It's the Friday before his birthday. They're hanging out at Dustin's place before heading to the show and Jim reminds Dustin when his birthday is. "Tuesday? Your fucking birthday is on a Tuesday this year? Gross. Jim Day on a Tuesday. Lame."

Jim laughs a little, the soft laugh he always gives Dustin when he's being a certain kind of ridiculous or obnoxious, like he can't believe he's saying what he's saying. "You know I don't get to pick what day my birthday falls on, right? Tell me you know that. I need to hear you say you know that."

"I mean, yuck. What's there to do on a Tuesday?"

"I dunno. I don't really have any plans this year." Truth be told Jim's not all that concerned with how he's going to spend his actual birthday. Perhaps he'll do something with friends or family back in Jersey? Maybe he won't. It's not a big, special, milestone birthday or anything. No reason to go all out.

Dustin absolutely, positively will not shut up about it. No matter how many times Jim grunts or rolls his eyes Dustin just keeps talking and babbling about how it's a crime for someone's birthday to fall on a Tuesday. Jim's on the verge of asking Dustin exactly what is wrong with Tuesdays anyway when Dustin pauses to look right at him. "We should just start now."

"Huh?"

"Today."

"Today?"

"Yeah. Like, spend the whole weekend partying. Today is your birthday. Tomorrow is your birthday. Keep the Jim Day train on the tracks through Sunday, Monday, your actual birthday. You said you didn't have plans, right? Just stay. You'll stay and it'll be like...like one long birthday instead of a fucking boring ass birthday on a Tuesday of all days. Yeah, you'll stay and...and you'll stay and we'll find things to do every day. So, you'll stay." It's never a question. It's already been decided that Jim's going to agree. Dustin never sounds uncertain, says it with such confidence. He's not fearful even for one second Jim might say he isn't down.

Dustin wants him to stay so Jim does. Sure, he's got things he could be doing at home, was planning on staying maybe through Saturday and heading back Sunday morning, Sunday evening at the latest but he could stay. Yeah, he will stay. Dustin wants him to stay so he's staying.

Work will go on without him. He'll call his family and tell them something came up. If his parents or siblings are upset they can find a way to celebrate his birthday once he's home and recovered from what's bound to be a bender if he knows anything at all about Dustin. Dustin wants him to stay. He'll stay.

Man, go home where he's made no plans, where there's no party, and most of all no Dustin or have the time of his life all weekend with one of his best friends? Wow, that's a hard choice. Dustin really seems to want him to stay so he's staying.

Friday night they head to the nearest bar after the show is over, close down the damn thing and stay up laughing and talking on Dustin's couch for three hours once they get back. They're not even paying attention to the time, neither one cares. Drinking and partying with all their wrestling friends was fun but at the end of the night it's nice that it's just the two of them. It's nice.

The next morning is a bit rough. Ok, they aren't conscious until afternoon but 2pm counts as morning when it's Dustin and Jim you're talking about. Saturday-it's Saturday, right?-is pretty much the same only the drinking begins much earlier, like pretty much as soon as they're both showered and get some food in their stomachs. Day drinking is a lot of fun, so much fun that a short nap is necessary before they head out to meet their friends again. Actually, they kind of passed out together on the couch watching tv, it was completely unintentional and unplanned. They probably would have slept the rest of the day away if not for Dustin being startled awake by Jim's loud snoring. "Thank god we don't live together." Dustin thinks for a moment while watching Jim sleep. Well, maybe that wouldn't be all bad. Whatever, can't think about it too long, they have to get up.

Saturday night is even wilder than Friday night. They drink too much. Way too much. They're tanked. Bombed. Blitzed. Completely fucked. Dustin kept buying them shots and when their bar tab got a little too high he simply shifted to telling everyone who would listen it was Jim's birthday, coaxed a bunch of other drunks into buying them more shots.

Sunday is the worst. They're suffering when they finally roll out of bed and off the couch for good and both agree easily, immediately they should take it easy today. There's a shitty, cheap diner close to Dustin's place so they stop there to eat dinner, share a huge plate of greasy diner food that Dustin pays for. Friends keep asking if they're coming to the bar again but both of them are in rocky shape from the night before. They sit Sunday night out, convalesce on Dustin's couch quietly, chug water and make small talk while they recover.

Monday evening Dustin takes Jim to Medieval Times because the little guy has talked about it so many times since they first met, drops hints constantly about how he wants to go-not this weekend but Dustin remembers him mentioning it-so Dustin figures now would be good. It's the little hunk's birthday after all.

On the drive there they swear they're going to take it easy, agree to have a couple glasses of wine with dinner and call it good. What a crock of shit. After cracking open their third bottle of the night Jim insists he's going to sit on that throne because he'll look badass so Dustin follows. He follows his little drunk blond friend everywhere, why wouldn't he? Gotta keep tabs on him, make sure he's safe, keep eyes on him. Jim doesn't ask but Dustin takes several pictures of him on that throne, laughs the entire time because Jim is hilarious and fun and cute, really fucking cute, especially with almost two bottles of wine in him.

"Ooh. C'mon." Jim grabs Dustin's wrist so fast he damn near drops his phone, leads him towards the photo booth in the lobby. The little shit is lucky Dustin has some cash on him, Dustin can tell from the look on his face he isn't going to take no for an answer. Jim shoves Dustin in first and almost crashes down on his lap, drunk on wine and apparently really fucking excited about them taking pictures together.

The booth is tiny. The seat is narrow. Jim's a compact little guy but Dustin's certainly not. To say they're crammed in there would be an understatement but they manage. Dustin forgets to look where he's supposed to look, far too preoccupied with staring at the little blond planted on his lap. "King for a day." Jim laughs, flashes Dustin a huge, vibrant smile as he points to the novelty crown on his head.

Maybe Dustin's going soft? Maybe he had more wine than he thought? Maybe they've spent a little too much time together the last few days? Maybe. Maybe not. All Dustin knows is it's easier for him to blame the urge to kiss Jim right in this photo booth on one of those things instead of being honest with himself and admitting he has feelings for the guy.

"Maybe Jim shouldn't have such pretty pink lips if I can't kiss him." Definitely can't say that out loud. Hold on. Rewind. Go back to the beginning. Jim's drunk and smiling and the booth is still snapping pictures of them. "Say something that doesn't involve his lips, you moron!"

Easier said than done. Dustin's brain makes it sound so simple. The truth is it's really difficult, borderline impossible to stop thinking about his pretty mouth. Jim's still looking at him so Dustin smiles back, reaches over and brushes his fingertips across Jim's cheek. "You're always a king to me, baby." Why the fuck did he say that? He would have been better off just kissing Jim. Jim just laughs, a huge, easy laugh that goes on until the little voice in the booth tells them to wait outside for their pictures to process. Jim climbs off his lap and the moment is over, gone, finished just as quickly as it came. Oh well. Maybe next time. It's not like Dustin's going to forget he wants to kiss him anytime soon.

They're so drunk at the conclusion of their night at Medieval Times they need to leave Dustin's car there and catch a cab home. Whatever. He'll have someone drive him back so he can pick it up in the morning. They had fun. No harm done. A friend gives them both a lift to pick up Dustin's shitty old car and they're already out so they kick off Tuesday by going out for brunch. It's a lot pricier than the greasy spoon diner by Dustin's place and they'll both be broke by the time they're done celebrating but that doesn't really matter does it? Birthdays only come once a year and today is literally Jim's birthday. It's Jim day.

They're full of delicious food by the time they're through and stop at a liquor store to buy supplies for mimosas to drink at home because they both agreed it'd be the cheaper route. They're not trying to get hammered, just sip throughout the day and maintain a nice buzz until it's time to head to the bar. It's Tuesday. Fuck, when did they start this again? Who cares. It's Tuesday. It's Jim Day. It's not until almost midnight on Tuesday that Dustin realizes neither one of them has bothered to talk to a single girl all weekend. Huh. Weird.

Shortly after midnight they toast with a couple shots of whiskey. They call it a night before last call and pick up the most unhealthy food they can find on the way back to Dustin's place, devour it while relaxing on his couch. That's where they fall asleep too, Jim slumped over in a heap on Dustin's shoulder, Dustin simply smiling before putting an arm around the little guy and drifting off shortly after.

Wednesday is pretty chill. Jim's actual birthday has passed and they've been going pretty hard for the last few days. Dustin's suggestion to hit up the grocery store and make dinner at his place is half because they're almost broke and half because they're both sorta worn out. Jim agrees, seems happy about it if Dustin's being honest and that's a relief. He's not much of a cook but for Jim he'll make an exception. It is his birthday, or was his birthday. It may never end, may never stop being his birthday.

They leave the dirty dishes in the sink and waste the rest of the night playing video games, stay up damn near long enough to see the sunrise before they remember it'd be a good idea to get some sleep. It's strange watching Jim curl up on the couch that final time. Dustin knows he's got to go home at some point. The guy doesn't live in Philly, doesn't live here. He's got a life to go back to. He can't just spend all his time hanging out, that's ridiculous. Dustin knows it's completely, utterly ridiculous but he wants Jim to stay. He can't stay.

When they finally wake up on Thursday Dustin is oddly nervous, uneasy. They've never spent such a long stretch together, this is easily the most he's seen of Jim, the most time they've shared since they became friends. It's difficult to admit to himself but Dustin liked it. He liked having Jim around. He liked what he saw. Yeah, they were already friends, best friends but it seems different now and Dustin isn't sure what to do with that knowledge, that feeling.

Time for Jim to leave comes quickly. Before Dustin's had an opportunity to process everything that transpired from the time Jim got to his place Friday afternoon to now Jim's ready to make the trip home. It sucks. There's got to be another excuse, another reason to ask Jim to stay, right? No. He can't do that. He won't do that. Jim can't stay. His birthday has passed. Back to normal, regular life. He'll see Jim in a couple weeks for the next show anyway. He can't stay.

Dustin's not expecting Jim to hug him goodbye. Normal people, friends hug goodbye all the time, he's not sure why it comes as a surprise when Jim's hands are on the back of his neck and the little guy is mumbling something about how much fun he had, thanking Dustin. "You're welcome. Happy birthday." Dustin barely manages to say. Fuck, he's such an idiot. He's not even hugging Jim back. He really should do that.

He does hug Jim back after a few awkward moments, squeezes him a bit too tight judging by that little noise Jim just made. Why else would he make a sound like that? Dustin eases up, lets go of his waist and looks down at his little blond friend. Yeah, this sucks. What, like he's supposed to spend almost six full days with a guy like Jim and not be bothered when it's time for him to leave? He can't stay.

He can't stay but Dustin's not about to let Jim escape without joking around with him one last time. "So, same thing next year? Holy shit, your birthday is gonna fall on a Wednesday next year! Lame. A birthday on a Wednesday is even worse than one on a Tuesday. Gross, dude."

"Shut up. Your birthday rolls around first, remember? Let's plan for that first."

"Deal."

[justatiredpotato]

Set Me Free | Chapter 6

Chapter List

Pairing: hybrid!Yoongi x human!reader

Genre: Angst, fluff, coffee shop AU, hybrid AU

Word Count: Chapter: 3,000~  Total: 40,000~

Updates daily at 10pm MST

Warnings: cuteness and maybe sorta suggestive content (idk man I tried), misunderstandings, hurt feelings, big sad

Summary: Yoongi, a cat hybrid, has been hurt time and time again by a world that would have him believe he’s worthless. One day he finds himself in your protective care, and gets a new family to boot. But is it really that easy to escape the past and embrace a new beginning?

Author’s Note: In this fic the reader’s name is Yeoji

Another Author’s Note: This is a small chapter because the second half is from Yoongi’s POV and being posted separately. There is a lot of potentially triggering content in that section. You can totally skip it and just pick up on the next chapter if you want to!

When most of your boys were sick, everyone involved was miserable. They required near constant attention from either you or one of the other guys, and whined like they might actually be dying. The only exception to this rule was Jimin, who just got extra sweet and cuddly when he was ill; and now, Yoongi.

Just when you thought the cat could not get any cuter, he managed to do it. With his sleepy, puffy eyes, extra pink button nose, and need to be near you all the time since he couldn’t seem to get warm, he was just about melting you into the ground at every interaction. It had taken a lot of willpower to drag yourself away from him that morning. After several long minutes of coaxing you’d managed to untangle yourself from him and the mountain of blankets on your bed (which he had at some point started sharing with you almost every night.)

When you went back to check on him in the afternoon you found him shivering with a chill. You made him take some cold medicine in hopes he could sleep off the worst of it. Then you tucked his blankets tighter around him and he leaned into your warm touch.

“Noona, m’cold,” he mumbled, face half obscured by his covers.

“I’ll be back soon, sweetheart.” 

He whined pathetically as you pulled away from him, catching your sleeve and holding on like a lifeline. “Don’t go,” he said. He nuzzled into the bed further, attempting to drag you with him. 

You sighed, willpower quickly failing you. It was the middle of the week, and business had been slow all day. What’s the harm in quitting early? “Okay, let me go tell Jungkook I’m done for the day.” You thought you heard a happy chirp, as he released you. Yoongi was less conscious of hiding his more cat-like traits when he was sleepy, drunk, or evidently, ill.

You returned to Jungkook out front, taking off and hanging up your apron.

“How is he?” Jungkook asked.

“Not so good. I think I need to go back and keep an eye on him. You okay to finish up on your own?”

“No problem, we’ve only got an hour til closing anyway. Go take care of him.” Jungkook shooed you towards your apartment with a smirk. 

You frowned at him. “What’s that supposed to mean? What’s with your face?” you asked, spinning to face him.

“I have no idea what you mean,” he answered innocently as he pushed you through the door.

You rolled your eyes, but ignored him. As quickly as you could you warmed up Yoongi’s tea, helping him sit up so he could drink it. The medication seemed to be taking affect, his eyelids getting heavy and his speech a little slurred. Yoongi was cooking you alive these last couple nights in his attempts to stay warm so you changed into a tank top and some sleep shorts. He handed you his now empty mug and you set it aside before crawling under the covers next to him. He immediately curled into you, wrapping his arms around your waist, tangling your legs together, and tucking his face into your neck just below your jaw. 

He hummed contentedly when you wrapped your arms around him and stroked his hair and ears. You laid like that for a moment, his breathing slow and hot against your neck. You actively tried to not think about how his body was pressed up against yours, or how soft his lips felt brushing up against your throat with every intake of breath. 

It was going okay until his lips pressed against your skin with a little more force. You stiffened a bit. He was asleep though, didn’t even know what he was doing. You brushed his hair away from his face and scratched his back. 

“Yoon?” you said softly, hoping he’d wake up a little. Instead, he pressed his lips to your neck again, and this time you felt the slight brush of his teeth as he placed an open mouthed kiss over your pulse. A gasp escaped your lips as the kisses became stinging. What the hell? Was he just biting you?

“Yoongi!” you yelped, pulling away from him a little. He whined and moved after you. His large hands gripped the soft flesh of your hips and pulled you back to him, continuing to kiss your collarbone in a way that was sure to leave bruises. This was a cat thing, right? Jimin bit you once when he got a little too chilled out while you played with his hair. Yoongi wasn’t even conscious right now; didn’t even know what he was doing. The boy in question hummed happily, a purr rumbling through his chest as he settled in, warm and safe in his medicated haze. Your fingers gripped the back of his sweater tighter as you felt his tongue peek out to soothe the marks he’d made.

It seemed that every time you tried to escape his grasp you only made your situation worse. If you could really call it that. Part of you, a pretty big part in fact, was enjoying this. After a couple more attempts to detach yourself from the groggy cat, you gave up, holding him close and trying to ignore the heat that rushed through you as his hands kneaded at your hips.

After what felt like hours he finally fell still, purrs fading to the silent, steady breaths of sleep. Once you were sure he was out you managed to escape him and quickly fled to the living room. You glanced at the mirror by the door and ran your fingers through your hair, pulling it aside to evaluate the state of your neck. Yep, he definitely left some marks. You were going to have to pull out a turtleneck or a scarf to wear for work tomorrow. Grabbing a hair tie off the end table, you tied your hair into a messy bun. It was way too hot in your apartment all of a sudden, so you went to the kitchen and opened the window. As you got started on dinner you found your thoughts drifting back to the man in the next room. Shaking the image from your head, you grabbed your laptop and put on a show on Netflix.

You took some soup into Yoongi and got him to finish a whole bowl before he passed out again. After putting away the leftovers you grabbed a hoodie, then crawled back under the covers with him. Again, he clung to you like he was magnetized. You were cooking in the sweatshirt, but at least you weren’t at risk of a heart attack with Yoongi’s drugged-up mischief. His grabby hands kneading at your body and the brush of his thumbs over the bare flesh where your top rode up were still very distracting though. Needless to say, you didn’t sleep much.

The next morning you woke up from an hour or so of dozing and got up to get ready for the day. You were soaked in sweat from too many layers and the anxiety of a needy cat glued to you the whole night. You took a shower and tied your wet hair into a bun, not wanting to wake Yoongi with a hair dryer. You tried to be quiet as you rummaged through your closet and pulled out a black turtleneck top with tank sleeves. Not exactly spring fashion, but it covered the marks on your neck. You paired it with a black pencil skirt and your comfortable flats, did your makeup and slipped out of the apartment into the cafe.

Jimin was already waiting at the door. As usual, he slipped through the door and immediately wrapped you in a hug, nuzzling into you. He pulled away and looked you over, a brow raised.

“What?” you asked, returning the questioning look.

“You smell like Yoongi-hyung. Like, even more than usual.”

“Of course I smell like him. He’s sick, so he’s been glued to me trying to stay warm.”

Jimin smirked, but didn’t press the issue.

You went about your normal routine for the morning. It was a Friday, so most of your customers were commuters hurrying to work, leaving the shop relatively empty once the rush faded. At around noon Taehyung and Jungkook stopped by. They had the afternoon off so they agreed to come and stay with Yoongi for you. Movie night was still on, provided Yoongi was feeling up to it. Both boys hurried behind the counter to greet you, and they reacted similarly to how Jimin had. Tae sniffed at the collar of your turtleneck suspiciously.

“Oh my god!” he cried as he pulled away. He looked at the other two for agreement. Jimin chuckled, while Jungkook blushed and looked away. Tae reached for your shirt collar and tugged it down a little. “Oh my god!” he shouted again. Jimin burst out laughing and Jungkook blushed even redder, if that was even possible, when they saw the marks on your neck. 

“I told you,” Jimin said. “You owe me twenty bucks.”

“For what?” you asked, already not liking where this was going. “What were you betting on?”

“When you and Yoongi-hyung would get together,” Taehyung said. “I thought you’d take at least another month to figure it out.”

“I didn’t bet, noona,” Jungkook said, but even he was smiling mischievously. “But I am happy for you.”

“What are you talking about? Me and Yoongi aren’t together.”

“Noona,” Tae whined. “Come on. You can’t hide it from hybrids. We know he’s the one who marked you.” He nodded at your neck.

You scoffed. “These? He was barely conscious from the cold medicine I gave him last night. He didn’t even know what he was doing.”

The boys looked at you, incredulous. “You can’t be serious,” Jimin said.

“Of course I’m serious. There’s nothing going on between Yoongi and me! And never will be. I don’t look at him that way. Don’t make things weird,” you scolded. The boys glanced over your shoulder and you turned as you heard the kitchen door bang shut. You just caught the back of a blond head disappearing back to the apartment. You looked back to the boys with a deer-in-headlights expression.

“Well, s***,” Jungkook said, accurately expressing your feelings at that moment. “You should go talk to him.”

Mind racing, you followed Yoongi.

“Yoon?” you said as you entered the apartment. He had his shoes and jacket on, standing by the door. “Hey, where are you going? You’re still sick, you shouldn’t be going out.”

“I’m fine, noona. Just need some air.”

You approached him slowly. “What’s going on? Is something wrong? Was it something I said? I really don’t want things to be uncomfortable between us.”

“No, it’s nothing you said. It’s me. I’m such an idiot. I’ve been so stupid.” He ran a hand through his hair, tugging at it anxiously.

“What? No. No, sweetheart. You haven’t done anything-”

“I thought- I actually believed-” Cut himself off with a quiet, bitter laugh. It wasn’t malicious; it was empty, as if all the soul had drained out of him. “Stupid.” 

And with that, he turned the handle and stepped outside, the door clicking shut behind him. You stood for a moment, dazed, then ran to the door. You slipped on your shoes and hurried after him, but by the time you stepped onto the street he was already out of sight. You ran to the street corner, scanning for his blonde hair and black ears, then ran to the other when you didn’t see him. He was gone. You ran a hand through your hair and returned to the apartment. 

A quick once over of the place revealed that he took his phone and his wallet. That, at least, was a relief. Jungkook poked his head through the door.

“Everything okay?” he asked uncertainly.

“He’s gone. Said he needed some air and then he just ran off,” you said.

Jungkook cursed again. “Why’d you have to say that, noona?”

“What are you talking about? Do you know what’s wrong? If you do you’d better tell me right now!” Your voice was rising as you started to panic. What had you said. What if Yoongi didn’t come back. “He kept saying he was stupid, that it was his fault. What did I say? Why is he so upset?”

“Noona, I love you,” Tae chimed in, emerging from the door behind Jungkook. “But you are an idiot sometimes.”

“Tae, this isn’t funny-” you cried

“He’s in love with you,” Tae said. His face showed that he was entirely serious.

“What? No, he isn’t,” you said.

“Why are you arguing this? You love him too,” Jungkook said.

“Of course I love him! But he can’t know that. You didn’t tell him, did you?” The boys looked at you, clearly confused. “I never want him to feel like he owes me anything. He doesn’t have romantic feelings for me, and that’s okay.”

Jungkook groaned, clearly getting frustrated. “For someone with so many hybrids in their family, you really have no clue. The way he treats you, touches you, looks at you; that’s how we treat our mate. He clearly chose you months ago.”

You blinked, not comprehending. “I-”

“Marks like that,” Taehyung added, pointing at your neck. “It’s instinct. He wanted other guys to know that you guys belong to each other. The medication might’ve made him brave enough to do it, but he definitely meant it.”

“Oh god. I’ve gotta call him.” You pulled out your phone and dialed his number. It rang and rang and rang before finally going to voicemail. The second time, you only got one ring before it went straight to voicemail. “He rejected the call,” you said. Tears were gathering in your eyes. “What do I do?”

The boys looked at each other, obviously worried. “I’m sure he’ll be back soon,” Tae tried to reassure you, but his tone only made you worry more.

You sent at least a dozen texts begging Yoongi to pick up, but he didn’t even read them. You called Namjoon, and he hurried over immediately after he got off work. All the guys arrived for your movie night, but Yoongi still wasn’t home. It was getting dark and you truly started to panic. What if someone hurt him? You thought back to that night you found him, beaten and terrified, in the alley behind the cafe. You all sat around the table trying to think of a way to reach him. The guys all tried calling him, but he rejected all of their calls too.

“Wait a second!” You all jumped as Jungkook suddenly spoke. “What kind of phone does he have, noona?” 

“The same as mine,” you said, holding up your phone.

“You’re on the same family plan, right?” he continued. You nodded. “We can use find my phone on your device to track his.”

You unlocked the phone and shoved it into his hands. He worked quickly, pulling up the app and pinging Yoongi’s phone. A minute later, you had a dot on the map where his phone supposedly was. 

“Someone should wait here, in case he comes back,” you said. Jin, Hoseok, and Tae volunteered to stay. You, Jimin, and Jungkook followed Namjoon and piled into his car. He drove as you used the little dot on your map to direct him. It led you a couple blocks away, near the park Yoongi liked to take walks in. You opened the door and jumped out before the car was even totally stopped. Ignoring Namjoon’s scolding, you looked around frantically calling Yoongi’s name. 

“He isn’t here!” you cried. “Is this thing wrong?”

“Maybe, or maybe he dropped his phone. Let’s look around a bit,” Jungkook suggested. You spread out, scanning the sidewalk and looking under benches for Yoongi’s phone.

“Over here!” Jimin called a moment later. You ran to where he stood, holding a phone. You looked the device over.

“It’s his,” you confirmed. The screen was cracked, but when you checked the lock screen it was a picture from your movie night several weeks ago. “But this isn’t right. He takes such good care of his stuff. And you should’ve seen his face when I got him this. Even if he dropped it, he’d never just lose it.” You looked around the surrounding shadows of the park, calling out for Yoongi again. Namjoon looked around as well, eyes settling on the convenience store across the street.

“This spot should be on that security camera.” He pointed. “Maybe we can see which way he went from here.”

You nodded, already stepping to cross the street. Jungkook caught your arm, stopping you from stepping out before you checked for traffic.

“Noona, careful!” he said as a car passed a moment later. You pulled your arm free and glanced both ways before darting across the road. You burst into the convenience store and made a b-line for the register. The cashier looked confused and a little terrified as you blurted out your request.

“Do you have the recordings from that camera?”

“What…? I mean, yeah. Why?” the young man asked.

“We’re looking for a hybrid.” Namjoon stepped forward and placed a hand on your shoulder. “We found his phone across the way.” He pointed to the spot. “Your camera should’ve caught him, right?”

“Uh, yeah. I guess. I’m not sure if I’m allowed to just show you…” he hesitated.

“Please,” you begged simply. The boy must’ve seen the desperation in your eyes. Either that, or he thought you were hot. Regardless, he relented and waved you toward the back room.

“Alright, but if my manager hears about this I’ll deny it.” You frowned, wondering how he’d deny it since this whole exchange was on the indoor cctv, but you opted not to point out this flaw in his plan. You and Namjoon crowded into the small back room as the cashier opened the video file and stepped aside for you to watch.

Starting from a few hours prior you watched the tape in fast forward, people zooming by in either direction on the sidewalk.

“Wait!” you cried. Namjoon stopped the video, jumping back a few frames and playing it at regular speed. You watched as Yoongi slouched into frame, head down, hands in his pockets. His blond hair stuck up at odd angles. He hadn’t fixed it after he woke up that afternoon. He sat heavily on the bench where you found his phone, dropping his head in his hands. His shoulders shook and your heart broke because you knew he was crying. After a moment he sat up and just stared into space, head leaned back to look up at the sky. 

A black car pulled into the frame, stopping just in front of Yoongi’s spot on the sidewalk. Your blood ran cold as you recognized the man who emerged from the rear passenger-side door.

“Oh god, no,” you breathed.

“What is it? You recognize this guy?” Namjoon asked. The man on screen walked over and Yoongi visibly tensed as he spoke. He glanced at the guy, then immediately trained his eyes on the pavement. They seemed to have a conversation, Yoongi’s side of things mostly consisting of nods and head shakes. The man gripped Yoongi’s shoulder, and he winced away from the touch. After another moment of conversation Yoongi stood and the man guided him toward the car. Yoongi hunched in on himself, trying to make himself as small as possible, as if he could disappear from the situation altogether. But he didn’t, instead he let the man guide him into the car, and drive away.

“That was Kwon Hyunjoong. Yoongi’s old owner.” A sob tore from your throat before you could stop it and you were left gasping for air in the tiny security room.

[lemonbalmgirl]

Life update & junk

[Fuck Summer]

If you also follow @upthewitchypunx, you'll have seen them posting about the RIDICULOUS heatwave we've been experiencing in the Pacific Northwest over the last few days. Things are finally cooling off a little (it's currently ~90° F) after the weekend. The high in Portland yesterday was 116° F, with Sunday being only slightly cooler.

I was able to avoid most of the highs by going up to visit a friend north of Seattle Friday-Sunday, but we came home Sunday afternoon and were obviously here in time for Monday. We were initially going to take Jackson's car, but he ended up renting a car instead because of issues with his AC (and thank goodness he did, because things would not have been pleasant with zero AC).

I made us take a selfie before we left, if only to prove that I got Violet to not be a hermit, at least for a few days.

[Medical junk]

The PAP scare originated with a doctor's appointment at the beginning of June. I was able to bring up a few different things that were on my mind, but which individually weren't enough warrant an appointment during the pandemic. Thing #1 was being due for a PAP test. #2 was ongoing sleep issues (like, years ongoing if I think about it) that were getting more frustrating. #3 was my increasing suspicions that I have ADHD symptoms. My doctor ordered a bevvy of blood tests to rule out any deficiencies that might be causing my issues & to have a new baseline. (The most standout result of those tests is that I'm a little iron-deficient, but not enough to be anemic or keep me from donating plasma. They're having me take a supplement.)

My doctor gave me referrals to the sleep clinic and to behavioral health and those are just now happening.

Last night I completed an at-home sleep study with a tracking watch, fingertip pulse oximeter, and breathing sensor taped to my chest. I ended up just doing it last night, despite coming off a record-breaking hot day, because it needed to be done within 72 hours of my receiving the study kit and I have a strong track record of procrastination & forgetting to do things. The kit will go back into the mail tomorrow to the sleep clinic. Not that I want to have more medical issues, but I kinda do hope they decide I have sleep apnea, because then there's a treatment option?

Tomorrow morning, I finally have an appointment with behavioral health clinician regarding ADHD. Waiting for this appointment has been stressful because there's been a lot of doubt as to whether it would get approved by my insurance, the state health plan (OHP), or not. My counselor has never seen an ADHD diagnostic appointment get approved by OHP, but her experience is only with her mental health center. My doctor didn't think there would be an issue with the appointment being denied, so maybe the trick is getting a medical referral rather than a mental health one? Idk.

I'm also not sure whether tomorrow is actually a diagnostic appointment or not. Basically, I was told I'd get referred, and then scheduled an appointment...and that's all the info I have. I'm going to try and be ready for anything, which means I need to pull together a list of why I think I might have ADHD, although I know that they might completely disregard whatever I bring with me (my counselor warned that they'll greatly weight answers to their own questions over what I've noticed on my own, which makes a certain amount of sense).

[Other Stuff]

My roommate will be starting a new job on Thursday, and I'm excited for both of us. I'm excited for her because the job is nearby, it meets her desire to work in the admin side of education, and her nieces will be attending the same school when they move up here in approximately a month.

I'm excited for me because my willpower to focus & get things done is crappy and variable at the best of times, but even worse since my roommate's been off work since January. If she's watching TV in the living room when I get up, it's oh so easy to just join her and stay on the couch for a couple of hours, which is approximately the same time period as when I have the most focus to do anything.

With her back out of the house for a chunk of time every day, I'm hoping to reestablish some semblance of a daily schedule and have more luck getting things done, like making jewelry for the late summer/fall vending events that start happening in...about 2 months. Oops.

For reading all that, here's a cat picture as a reward. ♥