#i miss them so much i made sth to cope

[yuumatsu]

Just thoughts on finding what I want to be

To be honest, I still feel sadness deep inside of me

I am not sure why but maybe it's because I still feel unaccepted and distant and like I am weird, my emotions and interests and feelings are wrong (not all but still) and like they're too much

And I feel resentment to my family and relatives that they express they thoughts and feelings without filter while also hurting me or other members, seems like they don't think about that at all

I am trying to filter my feelings and emotions, trying not to hurt them or step on things that trigger them, because I don't want to quarell with them, as I know they don't want to hear some stuff (that I feel is truth about them) and only get angry with me or blame it all on me reading psychology and etc. Though they are partly interested in this theme, I know it might make them feel bitter to talk about old wounds and traumas, and they are denying it and tryiing to run away from this (by rationalilzing it or comparing it to the wirth things or being toxicly positive?). That's how I see it.

That's why I just listen to them and accept it. If asked about my opinion I give it (but I am rarely asked ig, they just want to be heard and proved that their opinion is ultimately the right one , for the most part. That's why I often would feel like I am the deficient one and sth is wrong with me). And now, knowing that and understanding that I just feel sorry for them, but everybody has their own coping mechanisms and their past wasn't a bright one indeed.

Now, that I learned these things (and i know i have plenty of other things to learn) and partly healed that part of me, I realised that I feel distant from them, though i felt it before, it feels more distinctly now. That makes me sad and though I want to belong, I feel barrier.

And to be honest I don't really like it. As I feel it with many others too. I am trying to find relatable things to talk about or idk anything, but I can't pretend and just to talk for the sake of talking, it's fun indeed but it's energy consuming for me, I don't see a point in it. I also can't talk to people I don't find interesting or connected with.

Recently I met a freind, and with her I really enjoy spending time with and now that we are away and can't meet (though we don't meet that often anyway) I kind of miss her. That's a new feeling for me. And with her I can talk about anything (mundane and not as much stuff) it feels, and we understand each other. I am really grateful for her.

For a long time I didn't accpet myself evenand I really wished to disappear from this world, but I didn't want it to be futile so I imagined falling from a cliff and turning into billions of ligth balls (particles?) that fly around Earth and bring comfort to people or I wished to turn into some kind of a guardian (like a tooth fairy or sand man etc). That made sense. To sum it up, I wanted to be some kinf og light that brings comfort to people, that listens to them, accepts them by just being there (being present). No words, just being there by their side. Today I was thinking about it and it reminded me of being some kind of deity, to whose temple people come to seek internal peace, comfort, compassion, acceptance. A place where they can cry as much as they want (cry their heart out), where they can sit all day if they need a break from this world. Something like that. And then, when they are ready, they'll venture into the world with replenished energy and feeling better.

So maybe this is the kind of art I want to create? (The temples being my art). But wouldn't it be sad to only have this type of energy in a temple?

I think I want to be more like Jesus. Many people came to him and received unconditional love and forgiveness (I think I need to learn more about his words and teachings). Even in death he spread love and compassion in this world. But if I am like that, it makes me feel a bit blocked from my human nature. I am not sure why, but His image feel loving, peaceful, wise, compassionate, like he realtes to people and is close to them somehow. In this picture I can't see a person dancing or making funny faces and having fun in general. And I don't think I can refuse that carefree and funny part of me (wouldn't that mean that I don't accept thise version of me?)

So I want to embody both parts in me and my art to express them freely and unapologetically. I realize that the being funny and weird part is the reflection of my family's words on how they judge people based ont that, but I also know that that's cuz they don't fully accept themselves and embrace their true power, but again that's how I see it. Who am I to decide which way a person chooses to go and who he\she wants to be?

We all have free will and choose for ourselves what to do or what to be, so long as this decision it's not influenced by others (in a negative way), it's the way of us and we can always alternate it a bit or go sideways or do a shortcut (but int his perspective it's the part of the way so there isn't really a shortcut ig)

So I'll keep on expessing what matters to me in my art and only through time and art itself, it'll clear how people feel about it, relate to it and what it evokes in them

I thank myself and my higherself, spirits and everybbody concerned for making me "me", and helping me to go on, because I don't feel like going back to where I have been mentally, though I am grateful for this experiences for forming my personality and leading me to where I am know (though I am not sure where exactly haha). I love you all and look up to you, I know you are alway here and in everyone on this earth to some extent, but I still struggle with fully embracing this thought, at least I am aware of it. Thank you for opeing my eyes, I love you <3

[notenotenotenote]

I just miss them so much. 

[ink-fireplace-coffee]

Hi! I am here to tell you about my WIPs! Well only one of them actually because the other two are on a hold since this one has taken up my entire brain for the last month and a half or so.

But anyway this wip is called One of Copper, it's set 100 years after my main wip, Frost & Fire, and 150 years after my other WIP, Angel's Daughters. It's about four people who have been, uh, asked? Is that the right word? It was more of a command than an ask. to find the missing sword of the god of creation, because it is the only thing that can kill a god other than lack of belief. This is going to take them to the nine hells, to the land of the dead (shadow, where a lot of dead adventures that may or may not be significant in my other WIPs give them advice. Yay, dead people advice. And a few people who are very important in my other WIPs but otherwise never appear actually bc they are dead), the home of the gods which still needs a name (they haven't gone there yet though. Which is good bc that's for book 3/4) and the abyss.

The actual culprit who stole the sword is the king of hell, who also needs a name and I think might have a name I just can't remember.

But once they get the sword, they realize why the wizard who hired them wanted it in the first place. He's a god (of undetermined domain) in disguise (I love that trope. Is that a trope? It should be), and his boss, Corall, god of creation, wants to use it to kill the goddess of death, Illa.

That's the bare bones of the plot, and the characters are:

Kairon (he/him) is a trans 22 year old Demonsblood (his grandpa made a pact with a fiend. Kairon has horns and a tail and is purple bc of it), who is a bard and not as sassy as him being a bard you would think he would be. His litte sister died 6 weeks before the story starts.

Ash (she/her) is human and the 25 year old daughter of a backsmith, who was going to do that (or be a historian like her mother) until she got roped into this mess by a very persistent wizard.

Elas (they/them) is an elf, who is about 100, and they also have all of my anxiety. They are a Storm Sorcerer, which means they have weather magic.

Joshua (he/him) is a Half-Elf fighter who is the son of one of the characters in my main wip, Frost and Fire, and he has a little sister who's best friend is a demon. He is about 96.

-@dragon-swords-prophecies

OH MY GOD a sword than can kill gods?????? NinE HELLS??????

yay for dead people advice!!!

the KING of Hell no less isw the one who STOLE the SWORD???? it's glorious honestly

and what does your characters get in return of them getting back the sword???

THE WIZARD IS A GOD???? AND WORKS FOR THE GOD OF CREATION??? AND WANTS TO KILL THE GODDESS OF DEATH OMG OMG!!! so epic I love it????? and why does he want to kill her?? and why send a minion to send more (accidental) minions??? and how did he lost the sword/ got it stolen in first place?? (sorry if I'm making too much questions I'm hyped!)

I am giving Kairon a hug and a blanket and whatever he needs because sth tells me the trip to the nine hells is not gonna be a nice way to cope huh (ooohhh does he see his little sister when they are there????)

I feel Ash in a spiritual level in the "getting roped by a very persistant wizard", She strikes me as the kind of person who would just... do whatever she's been asked to just so that the other person can leave her alone for some reason

Elas has weather magic. weather magic. weather magic!!!! and anxiety which mood. They get a hug too <3

Joshua "he is about 96" no biggie. and his little sister's best friend is a demon. iconic i love him.

your wip sounds so freaking cool!!! Thanks for telling me about it!

[alexalblondo]

your tags broke my heart cause they reminded me that we have to make do without Heiko and Christian for the races this year and I don't know how to cope 💔💔 (don't remind me I'm gonna have to watch sky Vorberichterstattung too) (also Fenderl that little bitch is still doing F2 and I want to cease existing)

I fucking hate that for us 😭

(I already miss them, I grew up with these men, I need them back)

I watched on Sky this year to get used to it (and cause l no commercials) but omg, I hate it so much

The guy who does Sky Vorberichterstattung is such a little bitch, the questions he asks trying to be ✨spicy✨??? I hate him

And I am so not ready to hear Ralf talk about „Papa Stroll“ being „not amused“ by sth and the fake rivalry between Seb and „the son“ Ralf will try to push 😒

And Oliver made me quit watching races here and there his opinions are so dumb and he gets so much stuff wrong? I could do better commentary

I hate that we can’t even go buy F1TV cause Sky owns ALL the rights for Germany 😭

[lixrk]

hi everyone! i’m velvet (or vel), this charming tsundere prince called yeosang’s mun! for more information on this grump, i have his profile here, and his background here if anyone’s curious. tldr; the bastard son between a ceo of a famous hotel chain and his maid. yeosang is currently on an identity crisis, stuck with a persona he developed to cope, struggling to be his true self. as for  his stance on becoming an idol, he isn’t as interested in the skills of being an idol as others in the industry, but more so in the attention and adoration that comes with being a star.

managed to think up of a few plots/connections/prompts, i’ll be listing them under the cut for anyone who is interested! i’d love to freeform too, though - super open to anything!

additionally, i put everything i listed here in a page for plots so it’ll be easier to go back to.

if you want to plot, whether it be something listed here, something from your side, or you want to brainstorm together, like this post and i’ll come to you! give me all the angst and fluff and everything in between.

also, also, also, i noticed that most muns here use twitter??? so i made a twitter to contact everyone else easily —@wowyoungie! feel free to follow and i’ll follow you back!

— behind the mask !  [1/1]

no requirements needed

The only person who knows how Yeosang is really like underneath that sweet-talking persona of his; awkward in expressing his feelings and maybe a little bit of a tsundere. Someone he can trust wholeheartedly.

— so that’s it !  [0/1]

males only

In blunt terms, his gay awakening. Could be a past or present thing. It doesn’t have to develop into anything serious either (a passing crush, he thinks you’re super cute, etc). You just pushed him to think and sent him into a more intense identity crisis.

— back then !  [0/3]

no requirements needed

Old friends Yeosang knew in the past. Maybe they were in the same dance club back in school, maybe not. Needs more plotting, this is a pretty open setting as it is so anything is welcomed!

— stuck together !  [1/1]

no requirements needed

Simply put, a roommate! Yeosang is living alone, and cutting the cost in half would be very helpful. He’s only a part-time worker, after all.

— envious admiration !  [0/1]

no requirements needed

You seem to have your life in order. You have a proper dream, you know exactly what you want to do, and you’re working honestly to achieve your goals, being true to yourself. Yeosang doesn’t like that, he doesn’t know himself, after all. He feels you have something that he doesn’t, and it drives him mad with jealousy. He tries to hide it, but he could only hide so much.

— change in scenery !  [0/1]

no requirements needed

A friend of Yeosang’s brother who used to play with him and his brother back in the day. Now that Yeosang’s relationship with his brother is rocky, he expects the same with you, and has been avoiding you because of that, though he kind of misses you.

— similar load !  [0/?]

either full-time or part-time host/hostess

Fellow host/hostess? Doesn’t have to be in the same club (but co-workers are more than welcomed). They could bond over their choice of occupation.

— do come again !  [0/?]

no requirements needed

Yeosang’s host clients! Could be regulars. or perhaps you were curious and wanted to try this experience out. No matter which one, this plot could go many ways. Maybe you want to befriend him outside of the club, or he wronged you in some way during your session. Endless possibilities!

— classic oops !  [0/1]

no requirements needed

Yeosang absolutely loves ice cream. He visits the ice cream parlour near his apartment building very often. Maybe he shouldn’t have eaten it while texting, though, because his ice cream somehow ended up on your shirt the moment he looked up.

— wanted connections !  [no limit unless stated]

no requirements unless stated

more friends, he’s a lonely guy.

a dance partner/dance group pls!

rivals!! he’s a pretty competitive guy.

exes. maybe it ended well, maybe it didn’t.

one night stands, perhaps?

friends with benefits, can develop into sth more or not. (male only)

romantic interests in general. (male only)

someone his parents forced to befriend some time ago.

— one line prompts !  [0/15]

no requirements unless stated

“Look, could be worse. You could be the one injured.”

“Then, why the hell are you even still here?”

“Okay, so, this won’t be very comfortable.”

“Will you shut up for one second?”

“I’m trying, okay! I’m really trying!”

“What are you saying? Of course I give a shit.”

“I don’t need protection. Not from you, or anyone else.”

“Right? If only murder wasn’t frowned upon.”

“Me? Getting attached? Pfffft. No way.”

“Did you just send me another meme? I should block you.”

“Shut up, I am iconic.”

“I wanna be so hot you’d be too intimidated to look me in the eyes.”

“You think I’m a good person? Haha, funny.”

“Didn’t realise you cared so much.”

“I was never one for goodbyes.”

**things don’t have to adhere completely to what was written! everything is discussable. we can combine things (whether with your plots/connections or my own), too! i’m open to anything, really.

***if there is a plot/connection you think this grump fits into, please feel free to message me! i’d be happy to work on it with you.

***i’d be happy to establish relationships to make charisma starters easier, but as stated before i’m open to anything!

[cocona]

anyway im back here again cos apparently idk what a diary is nor what a private acc is n i dnt want a character limit to say whats on my chest so.

i feel guilty for trying to take my life bcos dealing with the aftermath is a hassle n now my parents have to pay disgusting amounts of money bcos i decided to get shitfaced w porto n xanax at 8am before class n fainted on the bus n almost smashed my skull here n there. n bcos im gross like that the dizziness made me feel so good it was enjoyable to sit on the floor waiting for an ambulance. when they asked me what had happened to me, i was so dazed i started crying n then said i had taken a lot of pills ! which i had. but i didnt mention the alcohol cos i hadnt taken enough for it to be noticeable. barely three gulps. im not even a heavy drinker or whatever n at that point i rlly just wanted to faint or die or sth in between n i didnt achieve any of those. i just rlly . existed n floated until i got admitted in the hospital n put on these robes and started crying a lot cos it all fell on my head. i’d be living monitored. i’d be living. and also, now my parents had to deal with me going to the hospital for the second time in less than a week cos i cant keep my hands off prescription pills. the therapists there kept saying i was banalising it too much n that trying to kill yourself isnt light. but ik that and it’s not because they tell me that i’ll feel any less numb. idc ! hm . idk why im writing this. because im idealising abt passing away again and i feel the need to say it somewhere. the semester is starting in three weeks and id like to be positive about it n hope for the best n start living like a normal college student but already i feel waves of heat all over n my palms are sweating n im starting to feel what i see and see what i feel. it’s so bad . weird ass symptoms i cant explain but that are due to anxiety n dissociation n their weird crossovers. it’s seven in the morning and i havent slept all day. i could easily stay awake until i complete a 24h shift and then clock out for five days. the only reason why i dont try anything dangerous is because i dont want my parents to feel like i cant be trusted just bcos i have wild tendencies. lately ive been afraid of becoming addicted to things because i keep watching things abt them. id never smoke to the point where id be a stoner and id never become an mdma addict but it seems that any form of escape would soothe me greatly. i take engagements that lead nowhere. the director of uni said that he felt like i wasnt there seriously. i am not indeed. i am but a soul trying to leave bcos it’s too much. im tired as hell and i dnt even want to wait for a walk in to take over, i just want to end it all. but at the same time i accepted to go back this semester so my parents wouldnt worry, so i wouldnt be bored, and so tht if i was supposed to meet my soulmate @ uni i dnt miss them. these are laughable reasons but theyre reasons nonetheless. everyone has their ways of coping and finding motivation i suppose. i feel embarrassed to write things for everyone to see but i think only i will be reading this later. listening to sad songs does help to get in a certain headspace. i dont want to sleep because then i wont have these songs. im scared of losing everything else but what i want to lose. i wish i had a valid reason to take time off without having to pay back my scholarship and without feeling like im wasting the resources of medical institutions and professionals. bcos what is there about me. what even is wrong with me. why do i feel so bad ! why do i feel so bad, nothing has ever happened to me and yet i feel stressed and sad n like trash and i want to die but also i have massive ego boosts n im embarrassed n blush a lot . why am i like this. these days ive been asking myself if it’s normal to be still single when ure a wlw n ure 17 but i suppose that since we’re repressed it’s normal. i suppose that since the first girls i ever kissed were my sister then my best friend it’s normal id feel gross about my sexuality. i suppose that after men liberally rubbing their hands on my thighs n boys making fun of my misshaped body through all of my school years it’s only normal that id hate my body. disgust is a common theme, alongside disease and vomiting. things like that. i wish i had a clear image of my duty and role here. all i feel is pain. what am i even here for. i feel like i broke so many rules and that in a sense i cant be saved anyway. i just want to feel loved and useful and like i fit in for once. im tired of saying i like being alone because im too anxious to open up and too timid and used to being talked to first that idk when to stop talking and when i reveal information abt me thats not normal to be revealed in regular human interactions. i want to keep living so that there will be a book with my name with hundreds of unsent letters. perhaps ppl will relate to this later as well. heartache is normal. but why dont i get any precise diagnosis and why am i still doing so bad even after all this time... im tired of being angry and embarrassed and sad and aggressive and disgusted n feeling worthless and useless... give me a purpose.... or give me the tools to leave calmly and quietly... with no loud movements !

[crazyfreckledginger]

Donald Pierce x Reader - “Tainted Heart” [Part 1]

When you confront your boyfriend about how secretive he is being, he finally tells you what his actual job is. Understanding that the side of him you fell in love with was only a lie, you ban him from your house but find it more complicated to let him go when you discover something that would change your future completely. Donald reappears a few days later, trying to make amends, will you be able to forgive him?

Requested by 3 anons: “Can I request a Donnie fic where the reader has been dating him for a while and they live together and everything but he doesn’t tell her exactly what he does and she starts to think that he’s cheating on her when he has to go out for meeting and shit, you can the ending angsts or fluffy”

“Hey can I request a really angsts Donald pierce bit, where basically the reader and Donnie get in an argument and it’s a proper screaming match and they don’t talk to each other for s bit, you can end it how you want but I thought it would be a fun idea because I’m really in the mood for some angst” 

“Can u write sth with donald pierce and reader where donald comes into their house out of nowhere with logan laura and professor x to help them hide just like the scene from avengers age of ultron? (Reader is pregnant)”

A/N: I COMBINED THREE REQUESTED INTO A TWO PART SERIES, I’M A GENIUS!! Not really

Warning: violence, language, fighting, angst.

(Y/N) was smiling and laughing along with her friend at a small café, it felt too long since the pair was in contact with each other and it couldn’t feel any better.

Until her phone buzzed. Her friend took a sip of her drink as the girl glanced at the message she received.

“Is it your boyfriend?” she inquired, perceiving a frown appear on her face as her eyes scanned over the words.

“Yes,” (Y/N) sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose, “he’s cancelling the date, again, he’s going out of town,” 

Her friend gave her a disapproving look.

“I know, I know, you told me to talk to him about it -- but I’m terrified of what might come out from it,” the girl gulped anxiously.

“I understand, but you need to do it, it might hurt you more if you keep at it,” 

(Y/N) chewed on her lip nervously.

*****

The girl spent the next few days stressful thinking of every possible scenario that could unfold when she confronts him. Was he sick of her? Was he moving on and didn’t want to hurt her? Was he cheating on her?

He didn’t even give her an approximate day when he would get back, so the dread continued as she returned home every night, after work, contemplating whether he would be home or not.

After a few painful days, he finally got back.

“Hey baby, I miss you,” he smiled softly, sliding his arms around her waist and kissing her jaw as she fixed herself a little something to eat. 

The woman was thankful her back was facing him or he would have immediately sensed how uneasy she was through her nervously fake smile. 

“Donnie,” her eyes dipped to the ground to hide any emotion that could be filled within them. Her hands were firmly pressed against the counter as she faced him, “we need to talk,” 

He raised an eyebrow, having a slight hunch on what she was going to ask. Sitting down on the couch, he made himself comfortable but still attentive as she sat on the table in front of him.

“Why are you being so secretive?” (Y/N) went straight to the point but scolded herself for seeming so harsh. He paused, his expression unreadable for a moment before his eyes softened.

“What are you thinking right now?” he murmured.

“Answer the question!” she snapped, not being able to cope with how distant he had become and how much it was killing her. 

 “It’s my work,” 

“I know you keep using that excuse, tell me seriously, I can’t bare this anymore!” a ragged breath escaped her lips, and Donald finally understood how much this pained her -- and now, he was feeling extremely guilty for it.

“Are you, cheating, on me?” she gulped nervously, awaiting the worst.  

“Fuck you for every thinking I would do that to you,” he shook his head bitterly. (Y/N) was really shocked at how offended he seemed at her even having that vile thought pass through her mind. 

“Sweetheart, I-” Pierce sighed, not knowing where to start, “you know I would never hurt you intentionally, right?” 

She didn’t answer, feeling her heart race at the unpredictability of what he might say next.

“I have, a dangerous and, debatably immoral job -- and trust me when I tell you, I tried to resign because I knew you wouldn’t approve but it’s more... complicated than that.” he tried explaining. 

To say there were multiple alarms setting off in her brain at once was an understatement, “w-who- what is your job, exactly?” 

“I-”

****

“GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE DONALD PIERCE!!” she threw anything she could find right at him as tears ran down her face.

“Baby, please!” he begged as she forcefully pushed him out of the house -- but to no avail. The man was way too strong.

“Get out, get out, get out!” She cried, punching his back, it physically hurt her to hit his hard back with her knuckles, but it couldn’t compare to the pain she was feeling, it’s like she didn’t even know the man in front of her.

“Do you come home to me and hold my hand with your bloody stained ones?? The ones you use to torture and murder children?” The girl sobbed as he stood still in the doorway. His mind was conflicted, and his heart was heartbroken, it was so painful to hear everything she had to say about him -- but they were all true, he was so selfish for thinking anyone would stick with someone with that ‘profession’. 

Donald watched with the most injured expression as she threw everything that belonged to him out of the door and onto the small garden in front. 

“I don’t want to see you, every again!” her words spat like venom but the desperate look in her teary eyes only screamed how betrayed she felt. 

“I-” 

“I can piece together why you went there in the first place, b-but, staying there persisting in working there after we started dating, staining those hands of yours and treating children so poorly and coming home like nothing happened? H-how can you be so heartless, you’re like a monster, it’s like I don’t even know you!” she cried, unable to control her breathing as a result of her weeping.

He knew he fucked up, bad, he pushed away the only thing that made him happy, getting sold out by the very thing he used to be persuaded was the reason he didn’t deserve you.

And she stopped his thoughts, she didn’t even know his job but she saw the wonderful person in him. 

Pierce flinched as he heard the door slam behind him. Casting a small glance towards the house, he slowly picked up his things and put it in his car. Once he drove off, he watched as the house shrunk behind him until he turned around the corner and saw it disappear. 

When he stopped in the parking lot of a hotel, he slammed his hands on the steering wheel.

“FUCK!” his forehead dipped against his hands as he thought of what he should do, he was still in the aftershock of everything, it was only a matter of time before the reality of the situation hit him.

He lost her.

His heart ached already as he took his essentials and stepped towards the hotel.

Tell me, would you still love me and follow me if our lives are at stake for the right thing?

Comments, votes and feedback improve motivation, writing and publishing, so it is in your best interest to leave some! :)  

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[outerspaceisbetterthannothing]

Blame [Surgeon!Calum AU] Ch.3

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7

Summary: What do you do if the only person you feel the connection to is the person you blamed for your sibling’s death?

A/N: This thing came up from my headass asks to wonderful Summer about neonatal surgeon!Calum au, which you can see here and here and here to understand the concept. I didn’t plan to do it at all, but the idea stuck in my mind and with support and encouragement from Summer, I came up with that. This is my first time publishing anything on Tumblr, so the feedback is extremely appreciated. Enjoy

Warnings: much less angst (I promised it’ll get better very soon), couple curse words, lack of proofreading

Chapter 3

The morning was gloomy just like Anna’s mood. She yawned again and switched off the stove, her fried eggs almost ready. She grimaced, moving them to the plate and sitting at the table. She didn’t like fried eggs, but that was basically the last piece of food in her fridge.

She remembered yesterday’s wish to cook something for dinner. Like there was anything to actually cook.

She added grocery shopping to the to-do list she was currently making up in her head and winced at too bitter taste of coffee. She ran out of milk… when exactly? Last week?

Anna wasn’t typically so bad at housekeeping. But last week’s events really messed with her routine. If things had gone differently, she wouldn’t have sat here having breakfast out of the last two eggs from her fridge. She would have been staying at Staten Island with her parents, helping around the house. She’d planned to be back to her flat the very morning of her first classes and purposefully emptied her fridge not really wishing to deal with spoilt leftovers. Now she had to adapt to new circumstances.

She finished her eggs and gave it another thought. It was Thursday morning. She was about to leave to her parents’ the next afternoon and stay at their house for as long as possible. Was it reasonable to go grocery shopping now? Or better fall back into the sinful habit of takeaways?

The very moment she was tossing between those two options, her phone vibrated shortly.

Anna took a deep breath and checked her messages. It was Ally. Anna felt her heart slowing down. Of course it was just Allie and not him.

“Jo’s cooking lasagna tonight, so I thought about grabbing some Thai food. What do u say? Noodles and wine?”

Anna couldn’t help smirking to that. Jo had an Italian Grandma, who she’d never seen in her life. Grandma Falsetti died pretty young, couple years before Jo’s Mom and Dad even met. Nevertheless Jo felt some deep connection to her late Grandma Falsetti. This connection came out in a peculiar idea that Jo had a secret talent to cook true Italian lasagna. How and when that idea settled in Jo’s eccentric mind girls had no idea. But every now and then Jo tried to prove her secret and probably yet sleeping cooking talent. She bought everything the little Italian grocery shop nearby could offer and started another crusade towards her dream dish. It would have been probably an easier task if she’d ever looked up any lasagna recipes. But Jo didn’t believe in online cookbooks and instead had an absolute faith in her spiritual connection to Grandma Falsetti. Allie and Anna never questioned that connection. They learned after the first lasagna dinner that Jo was her own fiercest critic, and every result of her desperate attempts to wake up her Italian roots was eventually thrown away. And every lasagna dinner was easily turned into a pizza dinner. Or Chinese dinner. Today it was Thai. Anna particularly adored lasagna dinners for their optimistic spirit. Jo, being a crazy passionate optimist, was never taken down by her failures in the kitchen and kept repeating that every experience was an experience. At least now she knew several wrong ways to cook lasagna, which only brought her closer to the right one.

Today’s invitation, being welcoming and well-timed on its own, also solved her grocery shopping dilemma.

Annabelle typed back “Sure! Will be there by 8. Wine’s on me” and wanted to switch off the phone but halted, her gaze settled at the contact name of the next dialogue. Her heartbeat picked up its pace again. She opened the tab, scrolled up to the very beginning and started rereading their messages. As if she hadn’t already learned them by heart.

She remember last night’s hesitation and sudden urge to text him. Still hadn’t quite understood what made her do it. And of course the first ever idea of what to type was exactly as silly as all her words said or sent to him so far.

23.46 “What would’ve happened if I’d taken a coffee?”

Even several hours later she still blushed rereading that. Why couldn’t she have started with simple “Hi” or “It’s Anna, sorry to bother”? Why her subconscious was making her look ridiculous?

23.47 “There would’ve been one coffee less on the table in the on-call room”

The speed and simplicity of his answer was calming and exciting at the same time. He stated that just like they were continuing a conversation they’d paused a minute ago and not fifteen hours. It made her almost dizzy. To the point of completely losing her mind judging by her next questions.

23.48 “That easy?”

23.49 “That easy”

23.49 “And nothing more?”

23.50 “And nothing more”

Anna dropped her phone on the table and hid her face in her hands, groaning quietly. Such a dumbass…

She recalled staring at his short unimaginative responses last night for couple minutes. After which she’d remembered about good manners.

23.54 “Sorry for the late night messages”

“Especially so stupid ones,” she thought now.

23.55 “I’ve at least 8 more hours on a shift so not so late night for me”

23.55 “Oh, ok”

The sounds, that were Anna’s reaction to that fine piece of epistolary genre, were hardly human.

23.56 “Working tmrrw too?”

23.57 “No, days off till Sat. Y?”

Anna’s hands started shaking again, almost like last night when she was typing her next message, praying at the same time for an alien invasion which would instantly block all the mobile connection and stop her from finishing her question. Whatever impediment this insane world could offer would actually do, she’d thought, cause she wasn’t able to stop her fingers from typing and feared to death to actually ask him what she was about to ask.

23.59 “Could we maybe meet up? For a coffee or sth? I really need to talk to you”

She still couldn’t believe she wrote about coffee. But as usual realisation came after she pressed send. She’d sat on her bed after that biting her fingers nervously and looking at three little dots showing on his side of the screen.

00.00 “Sure. Fri noon ok?”

Annabelle hadn’t noticed she’d hold her breath till she got that text. She’d gasped for air and almost jumped on her bed.

00.01 “Yeah, totaly”

00.02 “Let’s hold on to that, but i’ll confirm tomorrow evening in case they call me in overnight”

00.02 “Yeah, cool”

00.03 “Goodnight then”

Anna exhaled loudly rereading that last message from him for a thousandth time at least.

Why that simple sign of politeness was raising such sensation in her? Why did she see something more than just politeness behind those two words? And why everything about that man was so damn intense?

***

“It’s all about the right mood,” Jo repeated for the third time, putting her future masterpiece in the oven.

“Whose mood exactly?” mocked her Allie. Jo continued staring into the oven through the thick glass and didn't pay much attention to her friend’s words.

“Yeah, Jo, whose mood?” joined Anna, “A cook’s?”

“Or maybe guest’s?”

“No, no, no, I know! It’s all about the lasagna’s mood!” Anna started giggling, mostly because of her fair share of wine, consumed while Jo was cooking.

Jo smirked, standing up. “You are absolute bitches today, ladies! Congratulations!”

Anna and Allie raised glasses in a joky toast from the opposite side of a kitchen island.

“So, how are your parents?” Allie asked in much more serious tone.

Anna put her glass down and shrugged silently. Jo sent Allie disapproval look.

“You’ve seen my Mom in the hospital. She tries to act normal. But of course it’s hard. It’s hard for everyone,” finally said Anna. “I don’t even know what is worse, the way she acts now, or if she spent all her time alone and crying and mourning.”

“Of course second option is worse, darling,” said Jo softly.

“But shouldn’t you like… go through it. You know, anger, depression, all that stuff. I feel like she’s stuck in her denial phase. What if she’s actually harming herself that way?”

Jo was obviously lost for words. Allie sighed deeply and noted, “Everybody copes their own way. Knowing Jennifer, it’s quite understandable that she doesn’t want other people to see her grief. She’s exactly that type of woman who’d cry for three days and then stand up and go on with her life. She was never the one to dwell.”

Anna nodded, took another sip of her wine. “I get it. And you right. It’s just. I don’t know, I feel like I miss on something. The way they react… We did have time to prepare to any outcome, knowing about Grayson’s heart condition for some time. But… I sometimes feel like they overcame it in like couple hours. I know they actually didn’t, they do grieve. But the fact that they don’t really show it leaves me confused. Because I don’t understand anything. What should I do? Should I cry? Should I be angry? Should I let go and act it like there were no baby at all? I cried with my Mom the very first day, I had my gush of anger. But now…” she shook her head. “I’m literally at a loss. And my emotions are at a verge. One moment I’m completely alright, the next I’m sobbing in the middle of a parking lot. I mean, what is wrong with me?”

“Hey, nothing is wrong with you,” reassured her Jo, while Allie simply hugged Anna and stayed like that. “There is no instruction that will tell you how you should feel. Because there’s no should, Belle. You just feel, the way you do. And if it means crying in the middle of the fucking parking lot, then fine!”

Anna snorted to that, feeling tears in her eyes. “I just feel like a freak.”

“You’re not. You are hurting. It’ll take time. Just give it some time,” almost whispered Allie.

“Guess, you’re right.”

Anna took another sip of her wine and went faster, like she just remembered it. “About Saturday, there’ll be no funeral. Mom wanted cremation. So it’ll be just a little memorial-ish stuff at our house, nothing official at all. Only family and closest friends. Will you come anyway?’

“Of course, darling,” confirmed Allie. “Noon?”

“Yeah.”

They kept silence for some time, drinking and not looking at each other. Then Jo, visibly hesitating, decided to ask. “Belle, is Bryan going to come?”

Allie rolled her eyes to that question and Anna snorted.

“Yes, Jo, I’m sorry to upset you, but Bryan is going to be there. We messaged yesterday and he confirmed, that he won’t leave for school till Monday.”

“Messaged?” Jo asked in slight confusion. “You didn't talk to him?”

Anna shrugged nonchalantly, than added. “Wasn't feeling like talking.” And set her gaze at the wine glass she was twisting in her fingers.

Jo looked at Allie, who shook her head asking Jo to drop the topic. Jo widened her eyes in fake innocence when Anna sighed and gave in. “Say it,” she stated firmly.

“What?” Jo decided to continue acting innocent.

“Whatever you wanted to say. Just say it.”

“I just-” Jo hesitated for a moment, which made Anna look up at her friend in mild surprise. If there was one thing Jo could never be accused of it was hesitation. “Don't you think it's rather odd, Belle? He’s your boyfriend of more than three years and you wasn't feeling like talking to him in the probably darkest moment of you life.”

Anna frowned and looked at Allie. “Do you think it's odd too?”

Allie shook her head finishing her wine. “Can you please keep me out of this conversation?” she said, when realised that her friends’ gazes didn't move from her.

“No?” Anna raised her eyebrows.

Allie rolled her eyes at Jo and looked at her empty glass. “Well, I guess, it is a little odd. I guess if I was in the relationship I would want the guy to take care of me in such moment,” she shrugged. “But everybody's different. And if you feel like being alone, it seems totally fine to me,” she concluded, stressing her last words and looking at Jo again.

“Well, I'm sorry for being so hard-heartedly honest, but it doesn't really seems fine to me,” stated Jo.

A loud sound struck in the settled silence. Anna looked back at the couch where she left her phone. “To tell the truth, Jo, Bryan is definitely the last of my problems right now.”

She stood up and stepped to the couch to check the message. She was intended to keep her face emotionless not to give much away (mostly because there was literally nothing to give away), but she couldn't help her smile when she saw the contact name.

“Still up for that coffee?”

Her fingers started typing before she even thought about her reply. She waited a moment till he sent her an address of a little coffee shop next to the NY public library, switched her screen off, went back to the kitchen island and realised that girls’ gazes were on her all that time.

“What?” she played dumb under Jo’s questioning look.

“Who was that?” Jo obviously had a hard time trying to suppress her curiosity. Anna looked at her, then at Allie, who as usual wasn't giving much away, but was definitely interested too.

“That was…” Anna stumbled. How would she explain all of it?

“Don't say that was nobody!” exclaimed Jo. “I swear, Belle, if you say it was nobody, I'll steal you phone and look.”

Anna was taken aback. “Hey, chill, would you? Why does it even matter?”

“Because you smiled,” quietly said Allie and Anna felt almost betrayed.

“And not just smiled! You smiled your special little smile,” continued Jo as she started to slightly bounce on her tiptoes impatiently.

“Special smile? I don't have any special smiles, what are you even talking about?”

“You do,” noted Allie matter of factly.

“See? Thank you, Allie! Now spill the beans!”

“There's nothing to spill. It was Dr. Hood.” She took a bottle and poured herself more wine, but mostly just to occupy herself with something cause she suddenly felt awkward.

“Dr. Hood?” Jo repeated in disbelief and Allie almost choked on her wine. “Is it that hot doctor we saw staring at you at the hospital?”

“Well, yes,” Anna confirmed, still not risking to look at her friends.

Jo shrieked and spinned throwing her arms up in the air. “I knew it!” she yelled looking at Anna with excitement. “I knew there was something between the two of you!”

“There’s literally nothing between us, I swear,” Anna said holding her hands up in calming gesture.

“Wait, first things first! How did it even happen that you text?” bursted Allie being as excited as Jo, to Anna’s utter bewilderment.

“Well, he gave us his card, you know, just in case, when Mom only got to the hospital,” Anna explained.

Jo gave a whistle. “So it was you who texted first? I can say that I've never been so proud of you, my little Belle!”

Anna sighed and hid her head in her hands. “It’s absolutely not like that, Jo!” she groaned. “Can you not, please?”

“Then just tell us!” begged Jo.

“I shouted at him, okay?” Anna confessed, still hiding her face. Then she took a deep breath, took her hand off of her face and met two shocked stares. “The gush of anger I had,” she started explaining. “It was the very night Grayson died. I'd been hiding in the hospital corridors for some time, needed some privacy to bail my eyes out, you know. And then I decided to come back to my Mom's room and I saw him in a hall. And… it was really awful. I blamed him for everything, said he hadn't saved my brother, that it was his fault. Then started crying again. An absolute mess.”

Anna shook her head on the unwanted memory.

“What did he do?” Allie asked softly.

“Nothing much. He held me the whole time I was crying, ‘s all.”

The room was silent for some time.

“So why did you text him?” finally asked Jo.

Anna looked up at her. “I asked him to meet me. I need to apologize properly for what a horrible person I was to him.”

“Anna,” Allie gasped putting her hand on Anna’s back and stroking her soothingly. “You aren't a horrible person. You were devastated by your loss. What you did is more than understandable.”

Anna chuckled bitterly. “It wasn't actually the only shit thing I did.”

“What?”

“The day you came to visit my Mom, I was sitting on the bench in front of the hospital that morning. I was sitting there every morning before entering, actually. Needed a moment to myself, you know. So he sat next to me and offered coffee he’d bought for me. And I just shoved him off like a total bitch. And he just tried to be friendly.”

“Belle, I'm sure he understands,” tried to reassure her Jo.

“Of course, he does,” Annabelle agreed. “But that's not the point at all. The way I acted, that's not me. I'm not that person and I need him to know it. I can't explain, but I just can't leave it like that. I owe him an apology no matter what reasons I had.”

“When are you meeting?” Jo asked a moment later.

“Tomorrow noon,” she answered as Jo’s oven alarm went off.

Jo bounced again in anticipation and picked potholders. “Finally!” she breathed out, opening the oven.

They understood something was wrong as soon as Jo started cutting it in portions. The dish was basically breaking under her knife with loud crunching. Allie and Anna looked at each other too scared to say a word. Jo groaned, mumbled something about “the fucking fuck” and threw another result of her cooking into her trash bin. Then she looked up at girls and asked, looking tired and pissed, “So, what did you bring today?”

“Thai,” confessed Allie with shy smile. “But we need to heat it up.”

“Well, you know how to use my microwave,” Jo shrugged waving to Anna. “Belle, give me that damn bottle, will you? I need to drink up that disaster.”

Annabelle giggled, handing Jo wine and smiling at the visibly lightening mood. She couldn't help but thought that no matter what was happening in her life, lasagna dinners would always be there to save her from all the troubles. And at that moment she couldn't be more grateful for that.

***

“Are you sure you wanna go today?” her dad asked for at least fourth time. “Traffic’s gonna be awful.”

Anna smiled. “Dad, it's New York, traffic’s gonna be awful no matter when I decide to come.”

He chuckled lightly. “Okay, sweetheart. You gonna stay for the whole weekend?”

“No, actually I was about to stay till Tuesday. I've got first class in the afternoon so I could leave in the morning.”

“You sure?”

“Well, yeah. As long as you okay with me bothering you for so long,” she joked.

“Don't be silly.” Annabelle could see her Dad’s frown right now and smiled wider. “I just thought as it’s your last weekend before school starts you’d want…”

Anna didn't let him finish. “There’s no other place I’d rather be right now, Dad.”

“Sure thing, Anna.”

“I'll text you when I set off, ‘kay? Don't start dinner without me!”

“Can't promise you anything, sweetheart. Your Mom’s cooking curry tonight so…”

“I won't speak to you ever again if you start without me!” she threatened, giggling.

“I'm just saying I wouldn't waste much time for packing if I were you,” Mark teased again.

“I’m leaving right now,” Anna heard her father chuckle again and the sound made her heart shrink. Or maybe it was the sight of a tall man in black shirt and black jeans waiting for her outside of a quite busy coffee shop. Anna felt her hands starting to shake. “Dad, I have to go, but I'll text you later.”

“Okay, darling. I love you.”

“Love you too. See you tonight,” Anna mumbled and finished her call.

That very moment he saw her and put his phone he was scrolling through while waiting in the pocket of his jeans.

Anna felt her heart setting off in a running pace. Say Hi or Hello? Smile or better not? What was more appropriate in conversation with a man she’d accused of the most horrible things?

“I thought of buying us coffee, but realised you’ve never actually told me,” he said with a ghost of a smile on his lips, saving her from struggling with her first words.

“Never told you what?” Anna felt lost at this.

“What coffee you prefer,” he explained and let smile touch his face finally.

Anna widened her eyes half because of the fact that she didn't understand that herself, half because he wanted to buy her coffee even after she shoved him off the last time he did. “Er, cappuccino would be fine, but you don't have to buy me coffee,” she shook her head frowning a little.

He shrugged and stepped into the coffee shop without sparing her another word. Anna followed him just to see the barista noticing him and raising an eyebrow in a silent question.

“I was right,” told him Dr. Hood leaving Anna even more at a loss.

The barista guy smirked and handed him two coffee cups, giving Anna an examining look.

Dr. Hood turned back to Anna and gestured her to go back to the street.

“There are tables in the park across the street,” he showed her. “We can sit there and talk. And here's your cappuccino,” he handed her a cup and stepped towards the said park.

“So you did buy me coffee,” she concluded looking at his back and following him suit.

He shrugged and Anna thought she heard him snort. “It was a lucky shot. You just seemed like a cappuccino type,” he said and looked at her as they entered the park.

“A cappuccino type,” Anna murmured to herself having close to no clue what he was actually talking about. What was a cappuccino type after all?

“Well thanks for the coffee,” she said as they settled at a table next to a big tree and as far away from the walking paths as possible. She noted his lips twitch a little. “And thank you for not commenting on it further,” she sighed, looking away from him.

“Any time,” he answered, took a sip of his coffee and asked, “How have you been?”

Anna shrugged. What could she answer to that? Was she alright? She wasn’t even sure what alright was anymore. She looked back at him, taking slightly aback by the unexpected seriousness in his eyes. She shrugged again and saw his nod of understanding. He wasn’t looking at her with sympathy or pity, wasn’t judgemental or embarrassed by the pain behind that shrug. He just understood. And surprisingly it was exactly what she needed right now.

“So why did you wanna see me?” he asked after another minute of sitting there in silence.

Anna felt tears coming up to her eyes and took a deep breath. She wasn’t going to cry in front of him, not again. She gathered all the courage she had left in her and breathed out, “Dr. Hood, I-”

“It’s Calum,” he interrupted her with a shy smile.

Anna looked up at him again. “Um, what?”

“My name is Calum,” he repeated, his smile widening. “We’re no longer in doctor-patient relationship. Truth to be told we’ve never actually were. But anyway, call me Calum, please. Dr. Hood still has me a little uncomfortable,” he admitted.

“Oh, okay,” Annabelle mumbled, cursing herself again for the stupid childish answers. “Well, Calum, I just wanted to apologize,” she stated, looking at her hands, started picking on her nail polish out of nervousness. “For the night it all happened and for the Wednesday morning too. I had no right to blame you for what happened, I know you’ve done everything that was possible. And I’m sorry I was a total bitch to you when you just tried to be friendly. And-”

“Hey, don’t,” he stopped her again and suddenly Anna felt his right hand gripping on hers. His hand was hot and soft and so big, with three letters tattooed between his thumb and index finger. He waited till she looked back at him and said softly, “You don’t have to apologize. I totally understand.”

Anna shook her head and leaned back on her chair, her hands are still in his grip. She noticed with her side sight a little girl in pretty pink dress running excitedly around a woman several meters behind Calum and felt tears coming up again. “It doesn’t matter if I had a reason or not. I’m thankful you understand, but I still had no right to act like I did towards you. And I’m so sorry that I did. And I really hope you could forgive me, cause honestly words cannot even start to explain how grateful I am for everything you did.”

Calum smiled again and started with, “Anna, you-” but this time he was interrupted.

Two tiny hands gripped on his left arm and a chubby cheek pressed to his tattooed biceps. Calum turned his look to the little intruder. Annabelle freed her hands from his grip and looked at a little girl in confusion. Pretty pink dress with a flowery print told her it was the same girl she noticed couple minutes ago. The girl was about three, had pretty curls the color of milk chocolate and big blue eyes, which were fixed on Calum’s still slightly surprised face.

“And who is that here?” he chuckled, big smile on his face.

“It’s just me, doctah Cawum,” she replied and giggled, not looking anywhere but at him. “I made a wish I meet you today,” she revealed shyly and giggled again.

“Seems like a real magic to me,” Calum chuckled again, standing up from his chair and bending down to the girl. “Now, I guess I deserve my hug.”

The girl laughed happily, as he lifted her up and spinned couple of times, squeezing her in his massive arms. They stopped and the girl pulled back a little, settling comfortable on his hip. That was exactly when a woman the girl was with came up to them, she looked a little embarrassed and angry.

“Aubrie, how many times do I need to tell you not to run away from me?” she nagged little girl in a rather soft voice.

“But I saw doctah Cawum!” Aubrie stated, like it was totally indulging. The woman snorted, looking at the man holding her little daughter. “Of course you did,” she sighed. “Hello, Calum! And I’m sorry we interrupted you,” she looked apologetically at Anna.

Calum hugged her with his free arm with no hesitation. “Don’t be ridiculous, I’m always glad to see you. This is Anna, by the way,” he looked back at Annabelle. Anna smiled at the woman. “And these are Laura and my favourite patient Princess Aubrie,” he introduced them, bouncing Aubrie on his hip.

“I’m not a patient, I’m your friend!” exclaimed Aubrie and hid her face in his neck.

“Oh, I’m so silly! I’m sorry, princess, of course you’re my friend!” he agreed easily and moved his gaze to Laura. “You were at the hospital? How is our little girl?”

“Yeah, we were at the usual checking. Dr. Irwin said she’s absolutely okay. Even approved on dancing classes,” she smiled, stroking Aubries curls.

“Will you come to my concert when I be dancin’ pwincess?” Aubrie asked, pulling away and looking at Calum with eyes full of adoration.

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world,” he promised, hugging her again.

“Okay, angel, we have to go,” her mother sighed. “Hug doctor Calum goodbye and let’s go.”

“No, Mama,” whined Aubrie and clung on Calum’s neck with both hands, making him laugh quietly.

“Remember you wanted to buy those beautiful cups for your garden party? If we go now we’ll probably have enough time to do it today,” traded Laura with a mischievous grin.

Her trick obviously worked, as Aubrie let go off Calum’s neck with a sad expression on her face.

“Will you come to my garden party?” she asked him, before letting him put her down.

“Well, if your Mom and Dad are okay with that,” he hold back for a moment.

“Come on, Calum, you know, you are always a welcome guest in our house,” smiled Laura at him.

“I will most definitely come,” Calum promised to the little girl in his arms. “When is it going to be?”

“Next Saturday, at around three,” said Laura, as Aubrie struggled with answering, probably not very good with days and time yet.

“Then I’ll see you there, right, princess?” Calum asked Aubrie, and she nodded excitedly, glowing with happiness.

He hugged Aubrie one more time, they said their goodbyes with Laura, who shared one more smile with Anna, and with that they left.

Calum stood there for a moment more, looking after them, and then sat back down on his chair, shy smile still on his lips.

“Sorry about that,” he mumbled, looking at Anna.

“That’s okay,” she smiled back, even though her heart was aching from the sight of a happy little kid. “Did you treat her?”

Callum hummed admittedly.

“Tell me about it,” Anna asked.

Calum frowned, her request took him by surprise.

“Well, Aubrie was one of my first patients after I started operating after couple of years of residency. She was born premature and had a heart condition.”

“Like my brother?”

“Not exactly,” he shook his head, his stare not leaving Anna’s face for a moment. “There was a little problem with her cardiac valve, it’s rather easier than what your brother had. She was operated on the third day after her birth and spent almost four weeks after that in an NICU. She needs regular check ups now. Although her chances of living a healthy life without any other operations are very high.”

“You aren’t the one who checks up on her?” Anna asked, slightly confused.

“No, my job is finished after the first month of their life,” Calum explained. “Then we pass our little patients on to pediatrics. But I do like to follow their progress,” he finished quietly.

Anna nodded, not really knowing what to say to that.

“Why’d you ask?”

She looked straight at Calum and felt a lonely tear fall down her cheek.

“I don’t really know,” she said, wiping a tear with her hand and smiling apologetically. “Just needed some good story, I guess.”

“Hey,” Calum stretched his arm forward and grabbed her hand again, making her shake a little. “There’ll be plenty of them in your life. Just give them some time.”

She smiled back at him and sniffed. She squeezed his hand in silent thank you and offered, “Do you, maybe, wanna walk a little? Of course, if you’re not-”

“I’m not,” he smirked, standing and pulling her up by her hand, “whatever you wanted to say next.”

Anna let him snake his arm around her shoulders and lead up the street. She was dazed by his easiness and by the way her heart felt lighter. She couldn’t even try to explain all the things she felt, too overwhelmed by his presence. But she was absolutely positive about one thing. She wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of the day with his arm around her shoulders.

Taglist: @dancingonanemptywallet @5saucewho

[atlasrhys]

hey guys i’d appreciate it if u could like this if u read

i’m having trouble keeping myself motivated and On Track and it’s bugging me bc i thought i was on a way to get better  so...... i guess i just need to get this off my chest?

my dad is very sick. he has cancer and my parents made preparations in case he dies so i can finish my studies. until like a few weeks ago we thought it was bad, but not too bad, he started getting treatment etc. but then we found out that it was a different kind of cancer or w/e, they’re still having a look at it, we might swap hospitals bc we’re getting different reccommendations from them

i’m so, so, so extremely worried that even if he suvives the treatment he will likely get (stem cell treatment which isn’t exactly the most risk free), that we’ll find out it didn’t work or that it was AGAIN sth different all along.... i’m so scared you have no idea

and now i’ve run out of inconspicuous ways to cope. like i thought this year was at least going to be better than last bc i’m finally studying & doing sth with my life

but my studies require a lot of motivation and time, and i SHOULD have fun doing films, i know i should bc that is  what i pay a terrible amount of money for, but rn i just want to stay in my room and play video games bc at least then i don’t have to deal with Thoughts™

also i was sick a lot this year and missed a lot of uni & actually missed the editing of my first audio project. this year just started off in a shitty way & i feel bad about EVER skipping class but at the same time i can’t seem to keep up w/ daily household stuff or other things while simultaneously going to uni AND working in projects for uni. and my university doesn’t have courses or sth so that i could be like “oh well that course isn’t this important”, it goes every monday to friday from 9am to 2pm & it’s always ONE course so i either can’t skip shit or i have to take the whole day off

it’s just too much rn and i didn’t start exercising which i wanted to do since my dorm has a gym and idk how to keep myself on track with everything going on around me, i’m worried about my dad and hate myself for lacking motivation concerning my studies

[astralprojection]

ok so i love these ocs, i really really do (even if i never do anything with them, i love the concept of them ig) but the best oc i’ve ever made was lyra and i’ll never, in my life, be able to make another oc that’s as good as her. she’s just on a whole other level

like, ok i’m sorry but i’m gonna elaborate because i love n miss her. i’ll put it under a cut because this might get a bit long since she’s genuinely my fave oc ever

edit: this DID get super fucking long and i am SO sorry asdmmsdm

also her backstory can be upsetting so if u wanna read this (and if u do i would die for u) i’d recommend you checked the tags first

so lyra’s an oc that i made for a... um... i think our plan was to make it a VN? in any case it was a Something my ex and i were working on. now the verse itself was nothing to write home about,

like it was fun but i don’t particularly miss it because, even though it was cool, what i was really invested in were the ocs i’d made for it, not the setting itself

anyway, i kinda do have to explain what it was all about because a bunch of things about lyra wouldn’t make sense otherwise. i’ll make it short though: in this world you could get magic tattoos, so, for example one of my ocs had fire tattoos, which meant that they could manifest + control fire, if that makes sense

they weren't something you picked, you just sort of got the ink on your body and then it would take the form it wished, idr how that worked but i think it had to do with the ink sort of choosing something that fit you (or challenged you? again idr very well)

these tattoos also came w/ secondary manifestations, which were milder powers, not nearly as powerful as the primary manifestations but still useful: talking about the fire-controlling oc again, they could turn themselves invisible

and for reasons i can’t remember there was a tournament of sorts where ppl w/ tattoos fought each other (not to the death, it was a friendly spart sort of thing), this tournament was really important and famous

back to lyra: she came from a very ancient, very powerful family with a magic bloodline, meaning that they could do a sort of blood magic + had a predisposition towards magic others didn’t. this family was super big, they even had a... i think i called it a compound? ruled by a matriarch, and a lot of them lived together in this compound, i’m talking more than 100 people + their guards and such

anyway, lyra was -outwardly- very proud of her family. i mean outwardly because her pride was more of a desperate need for acceptance that led her to try and do things for the glory and respect of her family: her parents were shitty to her, constantly undermining her and mistreating her, and nobody else seemed to care about her or even notice her

lyra very desperately craved love and warmth, but at the same time she didn’t feel worthy of it, and she thought she couldn’t have it because all she did was break things, she could never be good - she hid all her insecurities underneath an irreverent, nonchalant attitude and bad jokes, all of which often caused her to offend people (especially her uptight, standoffish family members)

things got bad for her. very bad. she didn't have any friends, she didn't have anyone who loved her, she didn't love herself, so she attempted suicide twice, both times by drowning. lyra was very found of the sea and water in general, she loved swimming and sailing, which is exactly why she wanted to drown: she thought the sea was the only one who wanted her, and that the sea would take her back because it always looked after its own

she looked for a different way of escaping, avoiding reality, hurting herself, and she became an alcoholic

so fast forward a couple of years, with lyra getting more and more despondent by the minute, and her coping mechanisms growing worse and worse, until she decided that she was going to get the tattoos and join (and win) the tournament because she had something to prove, to her family and to herself

as it turns out, when her tattoos manifested, they were water tattoos; and her secondary power was healing

ofc the symbolism there wasn't subtle at all, but lyra was a subtle person, prone to lying to the point of mythomania, who used dramatics to mastefully conceal parts of herself. so her magic being a bit on-the-nose was entirely on purpose

water also fit lyra because lyra was so duplicitous, so two-sided, and water was the exact same way for her: the only one who'd ever loved her and the one who would've killed her, if she'd had her way

healing, well, that one's obvious mssdkf like, she thinks she's broken and all she does is hurt people, but she gets the ability to help them

wrow this is getting very long. there's not much else to tell though, just that i liked the fact that her character development was super slow; it took a LONG ass while for her to even come close to shedding her mask and opening herself up, and an even longe while for her to start giving up her unhealthy coping mechanisms

like she fell in love and made friends and everything, but it was still a very difficult process for her and one that took time

and god i'd love to do sth with her again because she means so much to me and i love her so much, but idk how to make her work... although tbh i was writing about how thematically she's v much linked to that setting,

but come think of it she's not? like the only thing about her that depends on the setting is her magic. and even then i could find a way to change it so that her magic develops + manifests differently. and since she was my oc her background + family + etc were all things i'd come up with myself, so it wouldn't be stealing or anything if i tried to alter them

hmmmmmmm i'll have to think about this because i adore lyra and i want to do something w/ her. the prospect of RPing her might even be enough to get me out of this writing/socializing funk...

[notenotenotenote]

Avalance high school AU, this time includes: Shy and nervous pinky touching :D

Happy pride everyone !