#i need to post this before i eat. well it's almost 3pm now </3

[high-functioning-lokipath]

I SHIP IT! - UPS Delivery Man!Loki x Reader AU - Words: 736

A/N: This was based off of this post and written at the urging of @asipofwineandfandoms So...thank you for taking the time to read this...I don't know exactly what it is

You worked in an office. You were often the one to sign for packages when they got delivered. But if UPS was delivering, well, all the workers were there.

"Morning, darling," The delivery man said as he walked in.

"Loki! Oh! Hi, Loki! Good morning, Loki!" They all yelled, elbowing their way past each other to be closer to him.

"Another package for us?" You asked, taking the box from him.

"I'd like to inspect his package," You heard one of the girls whisper. Loki blushed brightly and looked away.

"I might have to stop back later. Second load," He said.

"Haha, round 2," Another said.

"Oh would you all shut your faces?" you yelled. You rolled your eyes and looked back at Loki apologetically as they filed out. "I'm sorry. They-"

"No worries," He smiled. "I'm used to this." He nodded at you and chuckled. "Well, I'll see you later then for round two," Loki teased.

On your lunch break a bit later you decided to run over to your house to eat. "I am starving," You groan.

"Didn't think you'd come home today," You hear someone say.

"Hello, love," you smile, walking into the kitchen to find your boyfriend. "Snacking on the job again?" You tease.

"Why, darling! I'm wounded!" He fake gasps.

"Oh, Loki. Always so mischievous."

"Would you like me to serve your lunch?" He offers. You nod gratefully and sit at your kitchen table.

"So you have a second route to run today?" You asked as he set down your plates. He nodded as he ate. "Well, my coworkers will be very happy," You smirked. "Just remember, I get off at 3. So if you want to see me-"

"I'll be there," He smiled. "You're okay with how they react to me?" Loki asked nervously.

"Well," You shrugged. "I can't stop them. And I never really did tell them you are my boyfriend. They know I’ve got one but they don't know who it is. Besides, I know they're not serious for the most part and I trust you to be faithful if anyone ever was."

"Oh, darling," Loki smiled, kissing you softly. "I love you so much."

"I love you too, Loki. Now we need to get back to work," You smiled. Loki nodded and kissed your cheek before heading back out.

Work went slow that afternoon but finally 3pm came around. "Well, I'll see you all tomorrow!" You call out, gathering your things. Loki hadn't gotten back to your office yet but you figured the route just took longer.

"Oh! Y/N! Wait! I need you to-" Your boss said, stopping you. She seemed at a loss for words and rather fidgety causing you to frown slightly. You knew her well and she never had acted like this before.

"You need me to do what?" You asked.

"Can you stay just a little longer? I'm expecting a call and-"

"Well of course! Why didn't you say so?" You grin. You waited at your desk for a while before you heard some noise from the back room.

"I have a package for you," You heard Loki call out as he walked up to your desk. All your coworkers were following him excitedly. You got up to grab the box but we're slightly confused when he only handed you a clipboard and pen. "Sign here," He instructed.

You grabbed the paper and quickly signed your name. “Okay,” You said, a bit suspicious of his smirk.

“Read the paper, Y/N,” He grinned. You looked down and reread it, almost immediately bursting into tears.

“Really?” You asked. Loki nodded and you threw your arms around him, hugging him tightly.

You set the clipboard down and the others saw what was written on it: Will you marry me? They all started talking excitedly, already planning your bridal shower.

"Hear that ladies? I get his package," You tease. Loki laughed and kissed you before getting down on one knee.

“Let’s make it official, hm?” He held out a little box, from which he pulled out a ring box. You gasped when you saw the beautiful ring inside. You held out your hand and Loki slipped the ring on you. “I love you so much, my beautiful fiance,” He smiled.

“Not if I love you more first!” You tease.

A beat of silence passed before your coworkers all yelled out in unison, “I ship it!”

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[shirophantomvox]

Random date night with Illumi, Hisoka, and Chrollo

Hello, anon! Ask and you shall receive! This prompt is very interesting and I will try to keep it in character as much as possible. To sum this up, Hisoka would take you to an ice cream shop, a carnival, or apple orchard while Illumi would rather go to an art or historical museum. Chrollo would persuade you to attend a book reading/author signing or go hiking. Depending on who you are and what your ideal date is, I’m sure you’d find them all fun. Going to a carnival or apple orchard is my go-to since I’ve barely been because they’re all in the suburbs. These headcanons are explained much more than the others. That is why Chrollo and Illumi seem to be short, but they’re not. Also, I can’t wait for Halloween because these headcanons are going to be amazing. I am extremely sorry if there are grammar errors! Taking classes on Zoom is frustrating and now my brain has to relearn everything that I lost in 3 months! Before we get started, I have a few announcements.

This post is more laid back than my other headcanons because I tried to keep it as canon as possible.

I want to thank you all for 65 followers! It means a lot! I’m happy to see that a lot of you enjoy my writing and like it enough to follow me! I have a challenge for you! When I reach 100 followers, I will host some type of writing event here...but I need ideas. I’ve seen some pages do specials where you can send an ask and pretend like you're talking to a character and I respond with what they’d say. SEND ME IDEAS! I WILL CREDIT YOU!

I will be stepping back a little more than before. I’ll still be logged in and re-blogging but as far as writing posts like this...it may only be once or twice a week. You see, I’m in college and I’m struggling financially and I have to work on scholarships. If you all send me an ask, be patient.

Voltron posts will only be created based on asks. I will not be writing posts about VLD if no one requests them. I do not receive any feedback from it anymore and no one seems to like them.

Now, let’s get into the post.

Let's start with Illumi first.

Headcanon 1: Illumi has a secret admiration for different types of art but he specifically enjoys pop art and surrealism. He has commented on how surrealism makes his brain twist and his feelings swirl as he tries to figure out the piece and what inspires it.

He prefers not to participate in tours as he likes to digest the art at his own pace.

Headcanon 2: In his spare time, he paints on a canvas. His art style consists of both surrealism and abstract art. For a person with a dark personality, his compositions always contain bright colors and abstract techniques that leave you wondering about his TRUE personality. He is truly a good man with a bright personality but after being abused for so long, those behaviors/personalities have been shoved so far down his throat that they may not come back up.

He has a bad habit of asking you what you thought about every single piece of art you passed. The conversations were great but this is a date after all. The playful conversation slowly turns into a lecture about art. Although you loved your bf’s dictionary-like brain it also drained your energy.

One of his favorite artists is Vincent Van Gough. Although he favors surrealism, Van Gogh’s art style was mind-blowing to him. So amazed that he buys several Van Gogh t-shirts from the gift shop.

His favorite piece created by Van Gough is “Starry Night”.

He notices that you are becoming bored and decides that it is time for MORE excitement, one that you are certain to enjoy.

“Where are we going,” you ask, pretending to be interested.

“Down to the basement. We are going to have a bite to eat.”

Since Illumi rarely smiled, when he did smile it drove you wild. The anticipation of what his next move was going to be is what drove that wildness. Being a bounty hunter was thrilling already but dating a smart, badass assassin was totally out of your league but it worked out.

Headcanon 3: Illumi’s idea of being romantic is dramatically different from yours. He believes just spending time with you on the couch was enough. He is correct; but if you have the time and funds, your time together should be a little spontaneous. You insisted on dates outside of the house because his family will not stay out of your business.

“Illumi, I am too hungry for more trivia.”

He chuckles. “Don’t worry. So am I. That is why I’ve decided to take you to a wine and cheese party.”

Huh? Wine and Cheese at 3PM? That’s ok. When was there a time limit on when you can drink alcohol?

Illumi has indirectly attended parties as such when he was 15 years old. He never drank, but he watched as his mother’s friends (surprisingly) talked about business and their children. This time, you weren’t going to talk about business for once. Instead, you two were going to actually talk about what couples discuss.

Headcanon 4: When introduced to alcohol for the first time, Illumi immediately stated how he hated brown liquor. That includes Hennessy, Jack Daniels, etc. It makes him sick to his stomach. He prefers to drink Smirnoff mixed with fruity drinks like strawberry or pineapple.

He loves it when you make these drinks for him on a summer day.

Hence the title wine and cheese, you both go to a stand-up table, place your brochures down, and actually have a wonderful conversation not involving work or hunting.

Illumi smiled a few times, more than usual. Whenever he appears to be softer even around you, that is because he has mellowed out and doesn't have the overbearing weight of his family on his shoulders. You set him free.

Hisoka

According to a one-shot that another manga artist created, they expressed that Hisoka was found on the side of the road, was taken in by someone that worked at a local circus, and learned Nen in a matter of days. Hisoka’s clown look and having the skills of a magician proves that this has to be canon in some way.

Headcanon 1: Given this potential backstory, going to a carnival is his go-to every summer. He wants to take you to a circus but saves that for you as an engagement gift.

Everyone with a heart knows that whether or not you’re in a relationship or not the carnival is fun as hell! Expensive fried food, elephant ears, funnel cake, ICEE’s, rides, and stuffed animals are to die for!

Being at a carnival relaxes him so his bloodlust isn’t activated unless someone bumps into him and causes a scene.

Headcanon 2: PDA is something that Hisoka does well; he doesn’t overdo it but does it enough where people get the impression that you are a couple and aren’t “best friends”.

While completing a mission depending on how rough it may be, he insists that you tag along to see how he handles the situation. You’ve already seen his ruthlessness from Hunter’s exam but he insists.

His sense of pride gets the best of him sometimes. Sometimes his head is so big that it reminds you of a large birthday balloon.

Headcanon 3: ANYWAY, given his nature, he is very adventurous, dangerous, and courageous. If he wants to go on the Demon Drop, he’ll do it and you DO not have a choice in the matter. He’ll tease or guilt trip you into doing something that you would not like to do.

“Well, you wouldn’t want me to cling on to someone else, would you?”

“No. Of course not,” you reply.

“Let’s go then, scaredy-cat.”

As a hunter, you’ve seen worse. Why are you so afraid to go on a ride?

Headcanon 4: At apple orchards, cornfield mazes are one of his favorites. You cannot for the life of you figure out how to get out but he can. He grabs a scarecrow and scares you from behind. That annoys you but is nothing compared to later on that night.

Oh. My. God. It’s haunted house time!

“Hisoka, I’m not going in!”

“Why not? I’ll protect you.”

“Because they’re monsters and I already have to deal with one.”

It took him a second to catch on that you were talking about him.

“That’s going to bite you in the butt, kitten.”

Headcanon 5: Like Killua, Hisoka has a sweet tooth. Don’t allow his buff appearance to fool you!

He LOVES caramel apples, elephant ears, funnel cake, freshly squeezed lemonade, fudge, and cotton candy. How can this man manage to stay in shape? The world may never know.

Headcanon 6: He isn’t one to play by other people’s rules but he sets his own rules with your relationship that you both must obey. One of those rules says that neither of you can be on your phones while together.

Headcanon 7: Hisoka insists that you both wear either matching pants or matching shirts to avoid unnecessary flirtation.

He isn’t jealous but on “us time”, he doesn’t want to lose a single second.

Headcanon 8: Hisoka only jumps in when necessary. Given that you’ve passed the hunter’s exam and work as a bodyguard, he knows you can handle your business. If the person can’t take a hint, then he steps in. They almost back up immediately considering Hisoka is towering over them.

When the moon shines, you both go to the car and off to sleep in your comfy king-sized bed.

Chrollo

We all know that Chrollo loves to read! What does he specifically like to read? What Genre? Does he like to read alone or with other people?

Although Chrollo is a thief and must be hidden in the shadows, the authorities have called off the search for him for at least 3 years. Slowly but surely, he begins to find himself in the outside world again.

Chrollo once discussed a book with the Phantom Troupe when they were being transported to another place for a mission. He read “Tears of a Tiger” by Sharon M. Draper.

The reading sessions are opened with an affirmation and a reason to be thankful to be alive. He says he is thankful for the troupe, glances at you, and smiles. No one catches on to that sly face except for Phinks.

Headcanon 1: Chrollo is very silent and shy to an extent. He only associates with people he knows and trusts. You are the social butterfly at this moment.

Chrollo tags along behind you like a shy child, holding your hand while you stick out your free hand to greet everyone.

Today, the book club was going to read “Divergent”.

Headcanon 2: Although he loves to read, he hates it when others read out loud. Most people are drably read and it annoys him. After a while, he takes over. Chrollo was tense the first 30 minutes of the meeting because two cops were there but neither of them noticed it was him.

Headcanon 3: Chrollo often acts the part of the character that he is reading in the book. His tone, attitude, and emphasis on certain words keep the group engaged. He is complimented on his acting!

“Good Job, honey,” you whisper.

He responds by tightly squeezing your hand.

His tone was so impressive that the host insisted that he read for the entire night. He was ok with that because in between reads he was often distracted by a lovely pair of jeans and shoes you had on. You were into writing, so hearing others read and act out the characters helped.

Headcanon 4: In some settings, Chrollo is very braggadocious. He insisted that the group read one of your stories so you could be provided with feedback.

“We’d be delighted to view your story, y/n!”

“It will be fun!”

The book club wasn’t a stereotypical club that only consisted of soccer moms but instead consisted of men and women who were involved with a business, law enforcement, health, etc. This was an open space for everyone to relax and forget about their demanding jobs.

After the meeting, the group went to dinner at a nearby pizzeria. You all enjoyed large pizzas, beer, salads, and dessert. How could your stomach (or anyone’s stomach) hold that much?

Chrollo laughed so much that it made you question if he was your actual boyfriend or not. He even engaged in conversations with the two off-duty cops! For once, you helped Chrollo experience the greater things in life; true love, friendship, and happiness.

“Thank you,” he whispered and slyly placed a kiss on your hand. “For everything.”

[rarephloxes]

elucienweek, flower prompt. 

sorry girls!!! I’m late!! Hope it still counts though :)))))))

for @elucienweek <3

rating: G

wc: ≈3.3k

warnings: none!! they just go on a date!!! and bring each other flowers!!

psa: my first language is Portuguese! And this is also the first thing I’ve even written and posted! Ever! So, I’m nervous!! Lol! Enjoy!! Also: outfits link at the bottom!!

~*~

  Elain flitted through her bedroom excitedly, her nerves jittery and drowned in thoughts of the day she was about to have.  

 “But what do you think I should wear?” Elain asked her sister, Feyre, who was just a laughing face in the screen of her phone.  

 “Put me on FaceTime,” Elain’s phone speaker told her “I’ll help you pick.”  

 “Can you add Nesta to the call, please?” Elain asked, eyeing the clothes hanging in her wardrobe confusedly, brows wrinkled.  

  With a sigh, she sat down at her vanity, the gleaming glass of her perfumes and pretty makeup containers beckoning her.  

 Feyre’s laughing face, a picture taken by Rhys, her sister’s husband, winked out to be quickly replace by Feyre's and Nesta’s profile pictures.  

 (Elain knew she ought to be used to the fact that her sister was wed, for she had gone to her wedding wearing a beautiful pink dress matching the few other bridesmaids. She had even danced with Rhysand’s broody brother, Azriel, and overall had a great deal of time, but it was still weird thinking of her baby sister as a wedded woman. Who also was, uselessly, trying to pretend not to be pregnant).  

“Good morning,” Nesta greeted them, a little bleary eyed “What’s this about?”  

 “Did you just wake up?” Asked Feyre with a knowing smile on her lips. Elain knew that if said smile was directed to herself, she’d blush. “It’s nearly 3PM,”  

 “Oh, well,” responded Nesta with a carefully crafted absent-minded smile “You know how Cassian can be... energetic,”  

 “Nesta!” Elain, despite her best wishes and her sister’s rather tame answer, blushed while applying her mascara “Can we please focus on the matter at hand? I really need some help,”  

 “And what, exactly, is this matter?” Nesta inquired.  

 “It’s Elain’s third date with Mr. Mystery Man,” Feyre slightly static voice answered. Elain’s phone had never been quite the same after she accidentally potted and watered it with one of her apartment plants.  

 “Oh! I didn’t know you and MMM had gotten to the third date phase!” Nesta replied with a note of enthusiasm, the buzz of a coffeemaker as her background noise “A rather early time of day for a third date, though, isn’t it?”  

 Elain bristled slightly, but Feyre answered first “It’s a picnic date, Nesta. It wouldn’t be the same if was later. And besides, it’ll be just the right time for they to see the sunset,” Feyre frowned “Did you really just wake up?”  

 “I was taking a nap,” Nesta supplied with her mouth hidden by a mug covered in book details, a library’s name scripted around it “What can I say? Cass really wore me out,”  

 “Girls, please, please, can we stay on topic?” Elain pleaded a little, “I really do need help.”  

 “Oh, those are lovely lashes, Elain” Feyre praised from where Elain’s phone was propped in her vanity. Elain, now applying her blush until she looked somewhat sunburned, questioned “Do you like it? I glue them underneath my lash line, see? It looks nice, doesn’t it?”   

 Perhaps sensing the bit of anxiety on her middle sister’s face, Nesta said “It looks beautiful, Elain. MMM will not even know what hit him”. 

 Smiling at her sister’s compliment, Elain stood up and angled her phone to the side, widening the camera range to the view of her bed and bathroom door.  

 “So,” Elain started, slightly out of frame as she scoured her clothes for something fitting, “I thought maybe a dress? No pants or shorts because I bought a charcuterie board and really am planning to eat the cake Lu... I mean, Mr. Mystery Man-” Elain stopped herself with a laugh, what a silly nickname, dear Gods. Of course, Feyre would come up with something like that “- is going to bring, so nothing constricting in the belly area,”  

 “Ooh! I know! What about the white dress? With the blue flower print?” Feyre suggested.  

 “White? Feyre, a white dress for a picnic? I’m aware you live in a palace and has the wealthiest man in the land of the free to pay for your every wish, but please remember some of us have to do laundry” Nesta said, a laugh woven in her teasing.  

 Before Feyre could answer, Elain interrupted the seemingly lighthearted argument lest she lost her sisters to an everlasting word brawl “It’s cute, Feyre, you’re right. But, Nesta has a point. I don’t want any grass stains on it.”  

 “Besides, I thought I could wear my strawberry dress,” Elain said, placing a pink dress in front of her robe clad form.  

 “Oh, that’s cute,” said Nesta.  

 “Yeah, really pretty,” agreed Feyre.  

 “Then why do you both sound so unsure?”  

 “It’s just that it is a little plain,” Feyre explained carefully.  

 “It’s a 500-dollar dress,” Elain defended “And it has strawberries in it!”  

 “Yes, of course,” Nesta complied, “But maybe something with sleeves less... puffy? Or without a childish print?”   

 Feeling a little defeated, Elain nodded.  

 Afterward, the pile of clothes on her bed rapidly grew and with it Elain’s anxiety.  

 “Gods, nothing looks good,” Elain said, hating the whiny tone of her voice.  

 “Wait, wait!” Nesta startled “What of that sage green dress?”  

 The little dying light in Elain’s chest glittered.  

 “The one from Reformation?” Elain asked hangers chiming while she reached for the dress.  

 “Isn’t it a bit too fancy?” Feyre replied, uncertain.  

 “He is really well dressed,” mused Elain, looking at herself in the mirror, sage dress draped over her front “So you think this matches well with my white Fendi boots?”  

 “Won’t the boots be uncomfortable for a sitting on the ground date?” Nesta countered, voice muffled by the running water she was using to rinse her mug, coffee long gone by then.  

 “Well, I guess,” Elain acceded just as another dress caught her eye, “YES! I think I found the one!”  

 “Let us see it then!” Feyre asked around a mouthful of something.  

 “Wait, let me put it one first” said Elain before skittering out of view.  

 “What are you eating?” asked the corner of Nesta’s face.  

 “Rhys is doing business with these Belgium people. Very fancy. Particularly important Belgium people,” Feyre’s eyes and forehead answered, “They brought a lot of chocolate,”  

 “Quite the stereotype,” A pause “Save me some?”   

 “Sorry, I’m finished with them already.”  

 “Ok! Grand reveal time!”  

  Nesta’s side eye and frown disappeared once Elain popped into frame, a soft off-white midi dress with a high neckline and short sleeves now around her body, accentuating the dip of her waist.  

 “Ooh, I love the slit!”  

 “Yes! And it’s such a nice print too! The red details go really well with your nails! Where did you go to get that set?”  

  Elain squealed, jumping a bit with the balls of her feet, her skirts flaring “I get my nails done with my neighbor’s girlfriend. She’s quite good, isn’t she?” Elain approached her phone, showing her nails to the screen. “Oh, and look at the back,” Elain twirlied, skirts swishing around her calves.  

 More excited cheers ringed around Elain.  

 “Your tits look amazing! What about the shoes?”  

 Elain barely had the time to blush.        

 ” Oh, it’d look lovely with the converse I painted for you!” Feyre pointed out.  

 Elain had to turn away to hide her frown “I’d thought to wear slip on heels?”  

 “Way better!” recognized Nesta almost too quickly “Or maybe the pretty red ones with the ties at the ankles? Low heeled?”  

 “The red ones are pretty! Yes! But the slip-ons are easier,” Elain said, showing the options to her camera “Nude or green?”  

 “Definitely green,” said Feyre as Nesta said “Go with the nude one.”  

 “Do you think I could pull off wearing one color on each foot?” Elain giggled, putting her lip gloss and money purse in her bag, leaving the colorful shoes on top of her vanity chair.  

 “Nah, Nesta’s right, go with the nude one,” Feyre said, mouth foaming with toothpaste.  

 “What was that?” Nesta mocked in a singsong voice “Can you repeat it, please, I couldn’t hear around your toothbrush. Or the sound of your betrayal. I always save you a bonbon or two.”  

 “No, you don’t,”  

 “Well, I always mean to!”  

 Feyre spit off frame and flipped Nesta the bird.  

 All three of them laughed, Elain hurrying around her room to seem like she was ready to leave.  

 “Thank you so much for tuning in for this episode of Sisterly Love,” Elain joked with a big, unnerving smile, a weird laugh she hoped the poor functioning camera of her phone would hide “I’ll see you girls on next week’s episode- “  

 “Wait! No!” Interrupted Nesta with a serious face, “I see you worrying about, pretending you’re late,”  

 Feyre, who was smiling at someone else off camera, joined in as if she’d just caught on “Yeah! Stop... doing that,”  

  “Tell us about MMM!” Nesta demanded, “You can’t expect us to let you go on a date with a creep!”  

  “How do you know I’m pretending?” Elain huffed, her eyes diminished into slits, hands at her waist.  

  “As if you’d be in the risk getting to your date late. You like him too much,”  

  Nodding to her sister’s point, Elain dropped her facade.  

  “But he’s not a creep,” Elain said as she plopped down on her cushioned vanity chair, using the mirror to double check her makeup.  

  “Then what is Mister Mystery Man like?”  

   Elain had no control over the grin that illuminated her face “He’s... charming. Kind. Tall. And a swimmer too- “  

  “A swimmer! Nice broad shoulders then, huh?”  

  “Well, yes, I guess” Elain stammered a bit “He works in Communications. His brother’s dogs just had a litter, so now he’s taking care of two puppies. The cutest little things I’ve ever seen to be honest-”

 “Ok, ok, but how well does he kiss?”  

 “You’ve kissed him, right?”  

 With a quickened heartbeat, Elain confessed “Yes,”  

 “Then come out with it already! Tell us how it was!”  

 “It was a sweet kiss. He dropped me off at home and... well, you know how these things go.”  

 Neither Nesta nor Feyre said anything, urging Elain to keep talking.  

  And if Elain got a little breathless, none of her sisters mentioned “We were heading home after dinner. He took me to the new Italian restaurant near the Sidra, so it was a short walk until my apartment.”  

 “He looked so handsome, I thought I’d melt when he held my hand and I’ll admit I was rather tipsy by then, and he was so warm and... Gods, when he leaned down to kiss me, I turned into a puddle- “  

 “That sounds straight out of that novel you lent me, Nesta,”  

 “He is quite the charmer, isn’t he?”  

 “Yes. Yes, he is” said Elain dreamily.  

 “Elain! Don’t forget to do that thing you do with your lipstick? Makes your lips look so good,” Feyre reminded enthusiastically, dragging Elain out of her stupor.  

 “Yeah, maybe then your next kissing story won’t be so wholesome,” Nesta added with a leer.  

 With a happy giggle, Elain carefully traced a discreet line with her lipliner over her cupid’s bow and covered it with lip gloss.  

 “Yeah! Just like that!”  

 “Oh, I see the difference now. You look stunning,”  

 Opening a drawer, Elain asked “Big hoops or small ones?”  

 “They won’t look good with this dress, though” mused Nesta “Unless you’re wearing the small chunky ones, more oval than circle,”  

  “You mean these?” Elain showed the jewelry, to the camera.  

 “Yes, that’s the one. I knew I should’ve gone with you to get the extra earring holes! You look ten times hotter with all these earrings.”  

 “Yeah, you definitely should’ve” agreed Feyre with a smile “You look stunning, Elain. MMM is a lucky man,”  

 Not bothering to hide her smile, Elain thanked her sisters, the video call ending quickly after their well wishes and goodbyes.  

  With a reinvigorated sigh, Elain gathered her basket, carefully picking up the flowers she had wrapped to gift her date and left her apartment in a flurry of petals and jangling keys. 

                                          ***

  Elain waited by the Velaris Park entrance that viewed the Sidra, inhaling the salty breeze that ruffled her hair and skirts, cooling the hotness of the sun on her skin. 

 Twirling around as if she’d heard her name in the wind, Lucien stepped into her line of vision and Elain was suddenly, viscerally reminded of the Three Musketeers Disney film she knew all the song lyrics by heart, with the outdated montage of Minnie, the pure hearted French princess, meeting Mickey, the earnest musketeer with a desperate need to prove himself, saturated in an array of old sparkly effects and pretty roses that sprouted at will, surrounding the animated mice in a haven of pastel pink fluffy clouds and romantic orchestra, and the terribly cheesy, awfully idealistic and childishly romantic speech about love at first sight.  

 He walked up to where she was standing, a carefully wrapped beautiful arrangement of multi-colored tulips, lilacs, and white carnations in his hand, and a basket very much like hers tucked in his elbow. He was wearing a cream button down with the top buttons undone, the wisps of red hair and freckles on his collarbone adorned by a discreet necklace glowing in the sun.  

 Elain’s tote bag slipped off her shoulder in a moment of lightheaded carelessness and Lucien gracefully helped her reassert the bag in her shoulder, his hand lingering if only for a moment.  

 “Are these for me?” he asked as a greeting, the light of his smile mirrored in his eyes.  

 “Yes,” she smiled too, something soft slipping into her ribcage and filling her with sunlight at the sight of him “You said these were your favorites in-”  

 “My mother’s garden,” he said with her, still smiling at her like he could not stop even if he tried “I’ll admit it now that I didn’t share that bit of information necessarily aiming for a gift” he walked the few steps so he could stand at her side “Not that I’m complaining.”  

 "I'm glad you liked them," Elain said, her sunglasses slipping on the bridge of her nose "I believe I was promised a fine spot for picnics and watching the sunset?" Lucien’s presence melted away Elain’s unsteady nerves, the tension of her body uncoiling with the tender warmth flowing off him.  

 "The best spot there is," he promised with a wink "Also, these are for you" Lucien mentioned to the graceful bouquet of peonies, buttercups and sunflowers in his hands, the few residual beads of water in the petals scintillating in the sunlight. “I thought it might be presumptuous of me to gift you my favorite flowers, so hence the absence of tulips.”  

  Elain chuckled, walking by Lucien’s side as he led them to his favorite part of the park “I wouldn’t have minded at all. Tulips are one of my favorites as well,” 

 “A woman of great taste,” he replied with a little head bow.  

 Elain, her mouth a little dry, a few strands of her front hair pieces sticking to her brow, wondered why she had ever felt nervous to meet Lucien, with his soft curls smelling of autumn, apples and cinnamon, steady hands, and bright, bright smile. There was nothing unpleasant about his presence, the effortless way he stood and spoke, the grace in his step or the lovely caramel of his eyes. 

 He guided her to a little alcove of grass, lined by tall stone walls covered in vines. In all her walks through the park, she never noticed it. A beautiful corner hidden from curious eyes, but not blocking the river’s breeze or the sight of its running waters. 

 “I’ve got a friend in the team of architects that planned this park,” Lucien explained at Elain’s surprised face “Not exactly something one would find in the City Guide,” 

 “It’s lovely, Lucien. I’ll admit that this could possibly be the best the best sunset viewing spot,” 

 “Possibly be?” he asked with mock outrage, setting the waterproofed fabric over the grass, soon followed by a dark blue checkered flannel blanket “It is the best one. It’s the reason it’s a secret” he said in a conspirators whisper, comically eyeing their surroundings as if in search of busybodies. 

 “Well, I can only decide after the day’s event,” Elain sat at the other side of the blanket, carefully arranging her basket’s content over the fabric, swiping their bouquets so they rested near their respective owners. 

 “Is this a ruse so that I work extra hard to impress you?” 

 “I don’t know,” she smirked while plating the delicate chocolate strawberries she’d made herself the night before, “Is it working?” 

 “I’m proud to say I’ve being incessantly trying to remain at my A game since the moment I looked at you the first time. 

 “That’s good,” if the blush staining her cheeks gave away her smugness, Lucien didn’t acknowledge it.

*** 
 

It was easier than falling asleep, talking to Lucien. Like being carried away by a gentle river current. Like the subtle swing of a hammock by the beach. 

 He liked bossa nova, and she did too! Her father introduced it to her when she was a little girl, swaying her in his arms. It was Lucien’s mother favorite music genre, he accidentally scratched one of her vinyl records as a kid in his haste to listen to the soft melody, the boyish delight he had at the gleam in his mother’s eyes, rare even then, making his fingers clumsy. 

 He grew up in New Hampshire, in a big estate house with woods nearby, camping with his siblings every other week, learning how to fish with his hands because he never liked to use hooks, even as a little boy. Elain had never been one for the outdoors, except for the window box, the closest thing to a garden she had ever managed to keep over the years in her family’s one bedroom apartment. But she’d like to see it someday. He would love to show it to her, he promised with his hand hidden under his thighs as if to retract from touching the flush on cheeks. 

 Elain lived most of her life in apartments, except for the few summers she used to spend at her grandparents’ country house. Her grandmother had the most beautifully cared for garden Elain had ever seen. It even had a maze, towering walls of green she could get lost into while exploring with her sisters. Once her grandparents passed away, her father had to sell the property. She never got the chance visit it again. 

  The deep orange skylight alerted them of the incoming sunset, the Sidra’s waters a wonderful watercolor of blues, pinks, reds, and oranges, gleaming in between the dark green frames of the vine-covered high fence surrounding them.  

  By then, the initial space between them had dwindled, the food containers already inside their baskets, only wine glasses a sip away from being finished near their lazied forms. Elain and Lucien were laying side by side, the gentle slope of the ground allowing them to look at the departing sun without strain. 

 They hadn’t properly touched yet. The easiness of darkness and alcohol in their last date was substituted by the brightness of day and sobriety, their interaction more measured physically. Elain felt the absence of touch as the whispers of a phantom limb. 

 Consumed by the incandescent light of the sun, an unexpected source of courage, Elain laid her head on Lucien’s shoulder. She hadn’t realized they had been quiet for a while, the sunset filling the space where their words had been. 

 Before she could speak, Lucien snaked his arm under her neck, twisting his body to hold hers as they watched the dark blue dotted with stars overthrow the magnificent golden orange. 

 “Is this, ok?” 

  A nod. 

  A hug. 

  A breath on the neck. 

  A shy kiss on the cheek. 

  The white-hot warmth of his lips on hers. 

  The devastating light of her lips on his. 

  Finally, being home. 

Thank you so much for reading it!!!! Please, I'd reeeeealy appreciate your opinions/feedbacks on it :))))

Elain’s dress, shoes

Lucien’s shirt

[stitch-n-time]

Can you explain how the US housing laws work? You have me interested

Short answer: they don’t.

Longer answer (because I have to work tonight and truly don’t have like 8 hours to write the thesis, because you bet your ass I could):

There is actually an internal structure that the low income housing system has been built around that makes it nearly impossible to navigate, difficult to get into, and specifically works against the people that it was supposedly built to help.

I’m actually not quite sure where to start with this, so it’s going to be all over the place and bouncing back and forth, but that’s also kind of on brand for the low income housing system.

The system as we know it is very much a post WWII thing, so the info here will be from after that point. A lot of this will be in kind of broad, sweeping terms. But since the US is like 60 different states in a trenchcoat trying to sneak into an R-rated movie, very little of it actually covers the entirety of the country. There are also state and city levels of bullshit that people have to wade through. Most people don’t make it.

I’m going to use my own experiences as an example. But know that my experiences are NOT typical. When I started down this rabbit hole, I was a 30-ish year old white woman, a part time student, presented as a professional female on a daily basis, had a fairly stable income from a job I had held for years, and a vehicle (though making payments). All of this put together meant I had it pretty easy.

Some of that caused problems, though. The vehicle was a problem. It was a newer model gently used vehicle. According to the dealership, the previous owner had traded it in because it was a manual transmission and they wanted an automatic. When I bought it, it had less than 60k miles on it and was in excellent condition. In the eyes of the people who approve the paperwork and rubber stamp applicants for low income housing, I could get rid of that vehicle, and the moneys spent on the payments and insurance could go toward housing. Which would be reasonable, except most of the US doesn’t have public transportation at all. What public transport does exist is sketchy, rarely runs on schedule, and often does not go into residential areas. I COULD have gotten rid of the car, but that would have meant a 2 mile hike to the nearest bus station, 4 hours on a bus to get to class and 5 hours on the return trip twice a week, then a 2 mile hike home OR a 2 mile hike to the nearest bus station, 4.5 hours on a bus, another 2 mile hike to get to work, and the same on the return. At that point, I would have been spending more time on the bus than either at work or school, and might as well just live on the damned thing, since all I would have time to do at home is shower and MAYBE eat a sandwich?

But that’s also typical. Part of the laws as they are written specifically state that a person or household can not own physical properties that are over a certain value, because those properties could be sold in order to elevate the person/family’s lifestyle. That also makes household absolutely reliant on public transportation, which is simply not available in many poor areas.

Which goes into redlining, and systemic racism, which is a huge part of this, but is a whole ‘nother essay.

The fact that I was a student also worked against me. If a person can afford to go to school, they can afford housing. So why would you want/need help from the government? I’m just thankful that I was a part time student when the need for low income housing arose… If you’re a full time student, you are automatically denied on any application for low income housing. There are different legal designations for “low income housing” and “student housing”. They can not exist in the same housing complex for legal reasons. So if I had been taking one more class that semester, I would have been denied, and would have been homeless.

That in itself doesn’t sound terrible. And there’s reasons for the legal differences. But think about it… What if I had been in the last semester of school and something had happened? What about the people who are both enrolled in school and are working, trying to make ends meet, trying to be able to do something better, and either their lease is up or they get evicted or… I don’t know… their house burns down or a tornado hits or suddenly medical bills? If a person fills out that paperwork while still a student, even if they say “I’m graduating next month and want to move in the month after that” they still count as a full time student and would get denied. Which means leaving school and being spit out into the post graduate world probably without a job, while being denied help with keeping a roof over their head, when it’s absolutely necessary to have a physical address while searching for a job.

Which goes into the anti-homeless way of thinking, which is a huge part of this, but is a whole ‘nother essay.

I’m going to lump the “fairly stable income from a job I had held for years” and “presented as a professional female on a daily basis” into one, because they are directly related. I had worked my way through a trade school, and had been working in the medical field for nearly 4 years. The practice was open 4 days a week. I was there 2 days, the male counterpoint was there the other 2 days. If a client preferred one of us over the other, either they scheduled appropriately, or the doctor asked us to come in for that client’s appointment time. Because a large portion of the clientele were middle aged and older, as well as conservative, the dress code reflected accordingly. Since I actually REALLY liked the job, and the doctor and his family were pretty awesome people, I dressed and styled accordingly, on a daily basis. But because the number of hours on the clock varied with the number of clients scheduled for therapy appointments, there were times when those paychecks got mighty thin. There were absolutely trends of busy seasons and light seasons. Sometimes during that light season there were days when I would go to work for a couple of hours, go home until about 3PM, then go back for 2 or 3 hours. It was hard to pin that down.

Having to explain that I could not pinpoint an amount of annual income with any accuracy while filling out the application worked against me. And just about anybody who works in retail, food service, etc. - all the jobs that people with low incomes tend to have – will tell you that they suffer the same thing. Go  into work, put in a couple of hours, and have the manager come tell you to go home because it’s not busy enough to justify having people on the clock. But without having an accurate estimation of annual income (that could be verified by their calling your employer) means that the application is denied. The general consensus is that if you can’t pinpoint your annual income, then you’re lieing on the application, which means you’re untrustworthy, and therefore don’t deserve to get the help you need to keep a roof over your head.

That conservative professional look helped me here, though. I went into the office dressed well, in khakis and a nice blouse, to fill out the application and speak to the people. While I was there, another lady came in to fill out an application. This is somebody who I happened to know personally. She was also a professional, who was arguably in a slightly better place than I was because her income did not fluctuate (though it was low, as she was recovering from a divorce and most of the family income had come from her ex husband), but she was “dressed down” in shorts and a t shirt. We made the same arguments. I ended up in an apartment, and she did not.

Honestly, I was actually lucky to get into an apartment. A lot of people don’t realize it, but even with things being classified as low income housing, it takes a LOT of money to get into places. Just like every other rental in the US, before you move in, you have to pay the first month’s rent. And a deposit. And if you have pets, another deposit. And the cost of having the electricity and water turned on. And depending on the specific details of the contract you have to sign, possibly trash pickup. And if you want internet, either you pay for that and get a modem through the ISP, or you pay extra on signing the lease. And if you want to do your laundry in your home (if there’s even a hookup), there’s an extra rental fee for a washer and dryer, unless you bring your own.

I got lucky. When I applied and was approved, this particular housing development was running a “special” - if you sign a lease, you get one month rent free to use within 12 months of signing. I had to use it immediately. With all the extra fees and everything else, I could either pay for the rent OR the deposit, but not both – so I paid the deposit and laughingly told them I’d like to use that free month on the first month, immediately, right now, please and thank you, now where’s my key? They almost turned me away at that point.

I honestly believe that if it hadn’t been for my professional clothing and the fact that I could point to a couple of scabs on my face, that I would have been denied at that point. (The scabs were from a dog. I had been renting a room from a “friend” who is no longer a friend. Her dog bit my face, and instead of punishing the dog, she decided I needed to move out that weekend. Note: this is literally the ONLY time I’ve had a dog bite me, despite having been around them most of my life, and this particular dog had snapped at multiple people before.)

Which goes into classism, which is a huge part of this, but is a whole ‘nother essay.

Now the thing that has been on my last nerve for a few years now is a good one. The laws state that if your household changes in any way, you have to fill out the application again. Doesn’t matter if you literally got approved the day before: you fill it out again. Because there have been household changes. It doesn’t sound terrible at all, but I know somebody who got evicted from low income housing and ended up homeless because his wife left. Suddenly the household size was smaller, but had the same income, and it was over the limit for the household size. Sorry not sorry you have to go. I know somebody who was evicted for “falsified paperwork” because she had a baby and was in the hospital for 2 weeks, so didn’t get the paperwork in on time. They ended up in a homeless shelter (in this city, homeless shelters are more expensive than a lot of low income housing). Now she’s in debt that she’ll probably never get out of, due to that.

What’s more is that the eligibility requirements to be able to pass those income thresholds change constantly. Out of curiosity, I tracked the changes over the course of a year. Just checking on the first of the month. In a single year, the income requirements changed 10 times. It’s not easy to keep track of, and there’s not much reason to track it unless it’s literally part of your job, in order to keep in compliance with the laws.

My own personal gripe is much less severe than that. I can’t get married. Technically, my fiance can’t live with me. On paper, he lives with his parents, miles away. But he spends most of his time in my apartment, which is under my name only, because I’m disabled (but ineligible for disability) and need his help. We’ve been together for a decade. We’ve been engaged for over 5 years. But if we get married, then the household changes, and we have to fill out the paperwork and get approved again. The thing is: if we put together our incomes into one “household” income, we would never be eligible for low income housing. Which means we would have to move out.

Moving out comes with it’s own difficulties. Because of the paperwork you have to sign to lease low income housing – and depending on where you are because 60 states in a trenchcoat – there are hoops to jump through. The lease in this particular development,  you get a choice. If you break the lease you either a) pay the full amount of rent on the apartment through the end of the lease term or b) pay two months’ rent on the apartment after termination of the lease. So not only would we have to find other housing that we could afford (with all of the move in fees, deposits, transfer of service fees for utilities, bla bla bla), we would also have to pay 2 months’ rent on top of everything else. Which means either borrowing literally thousands of dollars from an individual – banks won’t do loans for this – or having to decide which bills get paid and which don’t while surviving off of ramen noodles for months at a time. Which… uh… would not work well with the man-thing’s diabetes.

Which all goes into respectability politics, and deciding whether or not poor people deserve to have stability and emotional fulfillment, which is a huge part of this, but is a whole ‘nother essay.

Now this may sound like a whole lot of personal whining. And it kind of is. But I can’t speak for anybody else. This is my personal interactions with these people and with the laws behind their behavior. But it’s the laws themselves that are written to be exclusive of the people that need help the most.

Homeless people can not apply, because they don’t have a current address.

Unemployed people can not apply, because they don’t have an income.

Full time students can not apply, because of the legal definitions of the different types of housing.

People with “disposable” property (such as cars) are often denied because they could turn those assets into monies.

People who rely on that “disposable” property for work are unable to take advantage of low income housing due to the above.

People of color who have been relegated to specific neighborhoods where public transportation is not available due to the redlining of the last century are unable to take advantage of low income housing due to the above.

People who do not have thousands of dollars readily available are denied because they can not pay both the deposit and rent.

People who face employment discrimination (even though it’s illegal) are denied because they can not provide proof of steady income.

People who have bounced from employer to employer are often denied for the same reason.

People who have successfully gained low income housing are often unable to change anything about their household.

People who have successfully gained low income housing are often unable to get out of it if their situation improves.

All of it is written into the laws surrounding the housing itself.

So…. Yeah. It doesn’t work. But if you want me to actually get into the nitty gritty, I can start actually researching. But somebody’s gotta pay me for it.

[namjoonchronicles]

dissertation | yg

↳ genre fluff, domestic, established relationship 

↳ words 3.1k

↳ summary many people doubted your union, how exactly an artist with as much influence as yoongi be a husband to a wife that is still studying. 

↳ warning that side of adulthood, lockdown because of pandemic, mentions of anemia

↳ song kodaline ‘saving grace’

It was a thunderstorm that night, when Yoongi laid in bed alone. Face shone by the light on his phone and he was squinting to see the news article clearer. He ran his fingers through his hair, scratching his scalp gently-- a habit he had. He glanced at the time mark on the top right corner of his phone, then to your side of the bed that remained empty. It’s 2:34 AM. Rolling several times over the width of the bed, Yoongi set his foot on the floor and made his way out the opened door where the light from the hall was still on. The ash blue hallway hall, and the wooden floor that creaks under his weight would not guarantee a smooth entry, but his concern was that you might have fallen asleep on the desk, although this was highly unlikely. He just wanted to check.

Took a peek, through the door gap of your study room. Lights on, papers everywhere, whiteboard filled with medical jargons he doesn’t understand. Your laser focused eyes, glasses sliding down your nose, pen in between your lips and typing sounds filled the room. Your purple pencil case unzipped with its contents scattered, next to the coffee mug. And the calculator facing down. Your phone is close by although Yoongi predicts it to be in silent mode. As it had been, since 2010. That’s why you never answer his call the first time. And when you’re in this study mode, an airplane could land in the living room and you wouldn’t even notice. Heck, if he was talking to you in this state, you would look at him blindly and heard absolutely nothing he said. Yoongi knows too well. After the short peek that went unnoticed by you, Yoongi waddled to the kitchen and ran the coffee machine to start.

He scratches his temple while he ensures the machine begins working, then walks to the fridge. Yanks it open to see what is inside. Some old ripen kimchi, newer batch kimchi, some milk and apples. He ran his eyes through several more things and took out two apples. He bought this for your fibre intake. The last visit to the doctor, you were recommended to take more fibres in, as well as iron because you are still anemic. Despite the considerable diet change by Yoongi, the blood count doesn’t project the effort. It was then decided by the nutritionist and doctor, together, that you have to take pills as well as monthly checks while they send your blood result to the lab for thalassemia management, if diagnosed. Yoongi carefully ran the apples under the water, gently. He begins to peel the skin with a knife, and then, wedges them. He places them in the bowl and by then, the coffee has started to pour into the mug he had prepared underneath.

The blue light from the screen is making you pinch the bridge of your nose. Creases begin to form in between your brow as the numbers you obtained from the experiment did not become tally to the theory, suggesting a mechanical error. With the restriction order loosening up, going down to the lab is allowed, but you figured that many other post-graduate students might squabble for a time slot to use the lab.

“Should have calibrated the thing before I started the experiment,” you silently cursed underneath your breath.

Yoongi pushes the door open with his back and reveals a tray, scuffling and making a lot of noise. He set the bowl with apples and switched the cold coffee mug with a new piping hot one. Your whole face lights up.

“Why are you not asleep yet?” you sang. Eyes following him. “How can I sleep, when you’re suffering like this,” he said in a straight voice, almost emotionless, that makes it hard to believe that he was being affectionate. But that’s Yoongi for you. “There were apples in the fridge?” “Don’t lie, we bought them together… If I don’t wedge them out like this, you won’t even eat it,” he nags, “Did you even take the pills for today?” “I did,” you shoved one wedge in your mouth.

“Before or after the coffee?” He was standing next to you and your head was tilting back to see him. “Before,” you chuckled through your nose.

Yoongi turned his attention to your work.

“Is there still a lot to do?” He mutters, kneeling by the table next to your chair. You comfortably circled your arm around his neck from your chair and buried your face in the crook of his neck, inhaling his scent and nodding as a response to his question. He smells like bedsheets, you thought to yourself. Yoongi’s wedding band shone under the bright light of your study room, and as he is careful not to disturb your work, he couldn’t help but worry about your mental state. He knows just how much stress you could handle and even if you weren’t shy away from an extremely stressful situation, it is the first for this kind of work environment. You told him that the mindset of working from home is entirely different from the ones actually working in the work area. But he always reminds you that, you weren’t working from home, you are at home, working.

“I saw the numbers and I knew that it was tally with the theory we learned in lectures, and have been hammering my head on what went wrong, so I checked on my methods and it was all correct, so it must have been the machine,” you turned to the side to see the laptop, still clinging onto him. Yoongi turns to the side and plants a kiss on your hair, standing up slowly.

“What do we do?” Yoongi leans his hip on the desk and folded his arm, looking down at you who is by now, pouting, helplessly.

“Either I go back to the lab and redo the whole painstakingly slow experiment, or just write the whole report and blame it on the error, and thicken my skin when my doctor screams at me for incompetency to run experiments, and ruin my credibility for the rest of post graduate pharmacy faculty,” you shrugged sadly.

Yoongi pouts too, now.

“Don’t stay up too late,” he gathers your head and sandwiched your face between his hands and kisses the skin between your brows, while your hand slid down his hip then over his butt, before grabbing the butt cheeks, playfully. You watch his back grow smaller and smaller as he gets to the door, leaves a gap between the door and the door frame big enough for an ant to enter, and leaves you to your work. You turned sideways to the word documents you have, and then to the calculations on the board on the far left of the room, and just, let out a massive sigh.

Several times the alarm clock vibrates on the bedside table next to you, and your hand would swiftly grab them to snooze mode, every single time. That eventually stops when the heat from the duvet chases you out and when you realise that it was no longer noon, it was actually almost 3pm. Your head pounds immediately, and even then you were counting the hours you slept to see if it was appropriate. Eversince the lockdown began, your sleep schedules have become even more disorganized. Doctor said looking out the window would help, but walking outside once in a while to get groceries proves to be even more helpful than the former. Yoongi always gets the groceries because he usually cooks. Now that the lockdown has slowly lifted, Yoongi started to go to the company building to resume his work, but you’re stuck at home because the university recommended studying from home.

Apart from having to use the lab now and then, there is no need for you to constantly be at the university. Even the lectures are held online, and assignments are submitted through emails. Group work is discussed through video conferences. But you’re an old school gal who always preferred to have her notes printed so you could scribble over the things you needed to do, and it makes organising tasks a lot easier. Walking into the study room, you saw the printer not where you set them. In fact, it has its own table with rollers on them, the cables are hidden and neatly bound by the computer, ready for use. The overall set up is neat. It made you smile first thing in the day. Because you knew who had done it that way, and you wondered how he made all this--assembling the tiny table and putting rollers on it, so quietly, that you managed to sleep through it.

At the office, Yoongi was just leaving a small meeting room. He has his facemask down covering his chin as he sifted through the papers handed to him by one of his staffs. The staff is standing nearby to wait on his comments. Upon waiting the staff realises that Yoongi had a bandaid on his thumb.

“A minor accident today, nothing to worry about,” Yoongi shrug it off and quickly turned the attention away from him, “...I think it looks pretty good, try to proceed with it first, and show me how it sounds.”

“Through email or Kakao?” “Kakao, because I don’t have the laptop fixed yet and the ones at home are out of discussion,” Yoongi added a chuckle at the end, slapped the staff’s shoulder and excused himself, just when his phone vibrated an incoming message. And a photo, sent by his wife.

“Babe?” - wife

It reads. A photo followed. Of the perfectly set up study station of his wife.

Yoongi smiled and dug his tongue to his cheek, clamping his lower lips between his teeth. He types a reply while leaning to one side of the office wall, by the hallway. Crossing his ankles.

“You’re welcome. Study well~~ Also, we’re having takeouts tonight.” - yoongi

The message chimes in. A jar of cookies in arm, you were nibbling on one java chip cookie while unlocking your phone to read Yoongi’s message. That’s strange. Takeouts?

“But I can cook. And its weekdays.” - wife

”Nonsense. You pulled an all-nighter last night. We are having takeouts. There’s this good new restaurant the staff had been hyping. Think we should go there.” - yoongi

”Okay… whatever you say then. <3 - wife

Yoongi shoves his phone in his back pocket and walks down the hall to his studio. On the way there, he passes by Hoseok who was just leaving.

“Where are you off to?” “Getting lunch, want to go get lunch together?” “Sure.” “Namjoon is joining us too, I’m waiting for his reply.” “Great…you guys decided where?” “There’s a BBQ house I know that sells really good broiled chicken feet.”

Twenty minutes went by since the last text with Yoongi and you had been staring at the calculation on the whiteboard thinking about Krispy Kreme’s premium donuts. You wonder if the outlets are open, as they should be because the lockdown never closed businesses. Yoongi would know, you figured.

“Yeah they are opened, Why?” - yoongi

“I am craving for the ones with the KitKat on, I think my period is coming on soon…” - wife

“We can have that as desserts later no problem, I sent you lunch, and it should be there in 25 minutes. - yoongi

“Yay! What are you having?” - wife

“Broiled chicken feet with Hoseok and Joon.” - yoongi

”That’s not...what you got me… right? - wife

”Of course not, I got you Kimchi jjigae with tofu, and some kimbaps.” - yoongi

Phew. For as long as you’ve gotten married, not once have you doubted that Yoongi wouldn’t understand your palate. But he is quite a prankster sometimes. Even if he is not as savage as your inlaws are, to put strange food in front of your plate, there’s a certain degree of cheekiness of him at stake. You were a bit of a picky eater should it hit you at a specific time of the month. Sometimes you could eat chicken liver with minor problems, sometimes you would vomit at the thought of it. Yoongi had been dealing with the latter, quite a few times now. You have about 3 blister packs of anti-nausea pills at home just to cope with it. Acquaintances and distant relatives would insinuate that you were pregnant, but that isn’t the case. Doctor said it would be difficult to have a baby with your anemia uncontained, and you and Yoongi both would not risk having a child while you were struggling with it.

It is just not worth the while. The risks are too great. Malformed, cleft-lips, premature--the list of risks are endless. Let mommy take care of herself first.

Hoseok drove to the restaurant he was talking about. They got a room to themselves, abiding the social distancing rule with several chairs spread apart. When the food arrives, Yoongi could understand why Hoseok loved the chicken feet. It’s savory down to the bone. He picks the pickled yellow radish with his chopstick and devours it with a mouthful of rice. Hoseok began asking if Yoongi would consider taking his wife here. Namjoon was sitting there answering a call, and had to leave the room so the sound of the grills didn't distract him from the call. Yoongi downed a glass of chinese tea before answering with a groan.

“She doesn’t eat those things. Chicken feet, gizzards, those weird smelling things that don't go away even when you cook it properly…” “Don’t she have that thing, anemic? Anemia, the blood disease?” “Yea, she’s on pills treating that, and I’m also fixing her diet, but she is plunged with work so she takes in more coffee, so that would disrupt the pills function, I heard from the doctor. The woman is a caffeine addict, I don’t think she’ll slow down anytime soon, especially not now.” “I see. She is pretty stubborn…”

Hoseok suddenly burst out laughing, and the reason was, “I remember that one time she went on a full force rant on why you shouldn’t place the picture frame where it was, how did it go though? She went like, why is it on the far left of the light like that…”

Yoongi’s eyes quickly disappeared as his smile grew wider at the memory. He remembers that day so well. You both just moved into the apartment you are living in now and several arguments were brought out as the apartment progresses into a living space and more and more things come in.

“I was the man of the house,” Yoongi pauses and, “So we hang it the way she wanted.”

When Namjoon walked in, Hoseok was full-blown laughing.

“You honestly think I would win against her? She’s a fucking scientist… It’s her world, I’m just living in it, bro.”

Yoongi’s lips pursed as he took another meat into his mouth and chewed, with one knee propped up. The boys continued to talk about their future plans. The games they could watch and eventually, work and where they are heading next. Namjoon was visibly cornered by it all so they were working out balancing work and passion, and it’s usually a difficult thing to do. They were lucky to be loving the job that helps put food on the table. But love can turn to hate so easily. Along the way, one could hate it so much, one could consider leaving it. It would feel like a good choice at the time, but eventually, they will think about longevity, and what makes money. Which is the reality of living.

Yoongi’s whole world is music. And your whole world is science. Both are the opposite side of the same coin. Through the differences, there are many quarrels and conversation shoved under the rug for later days. It is never comprehensible why one would do such a thing, in the perspective of a stranger, but when you are in a relationship, tolerance is as important as communicating, and the two go hand-in-hand with each other. It is only in a relationship that you see someone whose upbringing is so completely different from yours, try to understand the way you were brought up and the values you grew up with, the same way you try to understand theirs. They could be the one who mindlessly folds the doormat messily after they leave the bathroom and doesn’t fix it. Or they could be the one who is passionate about feeding cats but never cleans up after the poos. Or you could be so rigid in your ways of doing things that you simply cannot be flexible.

Or walk the room with their hair dripping wet and leave trails of water droplets around the house. Or leave the dishes in the sink unwashed because it's ‘only one mug’. Or they could use the coffee machine without wiping away the spills that could attract ants. Or have aesthetics that are so different from the ones you like. Maybe they prefer a cupboard with its insides all showing, no doors. Or like to collect designer shoes that cost more than the things you deemed more necessary than that of shoes. Or they might leave their shoes unarranged at the front step and it might drive you crazy how they continuously do this even after countless times, reminded not to.

Or how he is so thoughtful enough to send you the KitKat premium donuts you mentioned just hours ago. Or how he carefully ensured that extra tofu is added in the kimchi jjigae because he knows you love them. Or how he has those printers set up so neatly without you worrying how messy it looks. He had the motion-detecting LED light installed on the balcony so you don’t have to turn on the lights when you want to walk outside. Or how he throws everything away when you say you need to talk. Sure he might fall asleep halfway. Sure he flips the doormats when he leaves the baths. Sure he left his one mug in the sink and went to bed without washing it.

But he also waits 20 minutes for you to get ready because you lost track of time, reading your reports and spotting the error in your datas. And he also smiles when you climbed into the car, with a heaving chest and sparred breaths. And he orders your favourites quite fluently, down to the preferences and drinks. And you might love the way he looks when he is literally just existing. There was no one else that looked so mesmerizing the way he does when he drives. Or when he eats, or when he was thinking, and listening.

At the end of the day, it wasn’t the flipping doormats or the one mug in the sink that became the issue. It was who would still want to hold you even after all these years, in complete darkness and in the brightest day. It was who would still feel you were worth their time, despite having only 24 hours in a day. It is the person you fell asleep thinking of, and woke up looking at.

.

.

.

.

You keep me strong when I can't carry on

When you lose your feet, fall down to your knees and your heart's about to break I will be your saving grace When your eyes can't see, take my eyes from me When you're lost and losing faith I will be your saving grace

Be my, be my, be my saving grace Won't you be my, be my, be my saving grace

.

.

.

copyright © 2020 namjoonchronicles do not repost, and thank you for reading 

[missskzbiased]

Okay, so now I'm going venting style because that's my ninja way!

Warning: Really long venting that won't make any difference in your life but will relieve my upsetness. You can just scroll down. TMI about my life

Venting here is what keeps me going lol

So today was a particularly crappy day and it's still 3PM.

I woke up - of course, anxious - and then started to do the things I need to do.

Mom is recovering from a surgery (nothing scary, just a mouth thing but she has some conditions that can get complicated, so it's gonna take a while), therefore we can't get mad at sick people SUHAUHSAUHSAUHSHAUUHSA

She ordered some stuff while I was sleeping and I was lucky enough to wake up before it arrived. I can only imagine that she'd wake me up even if she said she'd ask the guy to come up. Anyway. So 5 min later from waking up (my moody mood lasts more than this) I had to go down to bring up heavy stuff. Then more 5 min got me to go down again to bring up even more heavy stuff. Because she ordered from 2 different places.

She ordered tons of things that we KNOW we won't eat because she can't eat anything and we can't eat like six fucking mangos and I don't know... 24 bananas before it rotters. Not to mention the other stuff. And if she thinks we can, then I don't know what is going on inside her mind.

I have to wash all this but before that, I had to study because I had some classes to watch since the professors posted the videos but I didn't watch it yet because I was studying for the exam. So I watched 3 classes, noted everything down, did the quiz, and had to sort out a group project for one of the classes, that won't be in my hands at least this week /o/

Then I had a meeting to sort out another group project. We decided on each one's part and I'm writing it right now. Well, was, 'cause now I'm venting so I can keep doing it with peace of mind. I'll have to look for some articles and stuff but that's fine, I think I can handle it til 5PM or something

Then after I finish this, I have to do the chores. Make sure that cats, mom, grandma and stuff are alive. Make sure mom did put the ice on her face.

Probably do some exercises, if possible. But I'm on my period, though it's almost ending... Maybe I'll use it as an excuse to not feel guilty for not exercising.

And then eat.

AND THEN I THINK I CAN CALL IT A DAY

Other complaints: Had like 5 min break to eat before doing the meeting. Will probably not get enough water. Will probably eat just at 8PM or something now. Tiredness.

And now that's it. I feel so much better now.

[stephiebutton]

So on Thursday before Coachella, my friend (who bows at the Altar of Ariana) sent me Ari’s posts on IG — one of the *NSYNC pay per view concert in which baby Ari was in the audience; and the new video of her lip syncing to Tearin’ Up My Heart. I thought maybe he was trying to convert me to an Arianator, but I honestly didn’t think much of it, nor did he, so I was just like ok, that’s cute!

On Friday, I had several people text me over a two hour timeframe when the rumors started spreading that *NSYNC may be playing Coachella—all while I was at work and couldn’t really wrap my head around it or even take the time to research it myself. At first I was like REALLY? Then I was like REALLY! By Friday evening, I knew something was going to go down, I just didn’t know what. I had convinced myself that they were going to perform, and that I had to be there, and I even researched flights and tickets; but then, I convinced myself that they were only going to introduce her, and I didn’t need to go. I was scheduled to close at work Sunday night, so I basically threw my hands in the air and was like “Oh well, I can’t go.”

Saturday rolled around, and I had a nagging feeling that I needed to try harder to make it happen, because whatever was going down was something that I needed to see. I knew that if I didn’t try everything I could, I would regret it. I had to close at work Saturday night, which means I had to be there around 3pm and work until 11:30pm. The gal that was scheduled to open on Sunday was still there when I arrived, so as she was getting ready to leave, I said “I need a favor...” and for some reason, I hesitated in asking her, like I didn’t really know what to say or how to say it, like the answer could actually change my life, so I just looked at her with a weird sideways smile, then finally asked if she could switch with me, so I come back and open Sunday morning instead of closing. She said she had to check with her family and see if they had plans, and she would get back to me. Thirty minutes after she left, she texted and said it was all good, that we could switch! From that point on, everything just snowballed. I had the biggest obstacle out of my way, so now to make the rest happen...

I went back and fourth about a ticket to the event. At first, I was like, “I’ll figure it out when I get down there,” like I usually do for most concerts I attend. I checked Stub Hub first, and was willing to pay whatever I needed to, but the only problem with that was because Coachella uses wristbands, not tickets, all bands had to be picked up in person. I called them to see what the latest pick up time was, and if anyone could pick up for me, and all other options I could think to exhaust, but it ended up not working out since I wasn’t going to get down there until much later. At that point, I was like “YOLO, I’ll find someone selling one outside!” But then I realized how late I was going to get there, and was like, “dude, if I don’t have a ticket by time I get there, no one is going to be hawking them; so I’m screwed!”

Then finally, I turned to the one place that scares me the most, Craigslist! I went through the posts, most were wristbands for Weekend 2, but I found one for Weekend 1, advertised for the cheapest I had seen any advertised, anywhere! I replied via text immediately, really not thinking I’d get a reply since the event was well underway and the wristband had probably already been sold. To my surprise, within minutes, the postee replied. I asked if it was still available, and he (I didn’t know if it was a he, she or other at the time) replied that yes, it was, but someone was supposed to pick it up later. But he also said that so many people had flaked already, that he wasn’t counting on it. After confirming it was a Weekend 1 wristband, I told him that I wanted it, 100%, guaranteed! The only problem was that he had advertised it from San Francisco and I was across the Bay, and I wouldn’t be able to pick it up until after midnight. He then replied that he was actually in Oakland, which happened to be the city right next to me! I couldn’t believe it! Aaaaand, it was only $200, which happened to be the EXACT amount of money I had in my wallet, and usually I don’t carry any cash at all! I let the mid shift manager know that I had to step out to make a miracle happen!

I’m not going to lie, I was like, “what if it’s a serial killer?!” “What if it’s a ploy to rob me?!” “Am I going to die?!” So I shared the address with the other manager in case the cops needed to know where to find my body. Two associates hugged me in case they never saw me again, and I was on my way. I texted the other manager when I got to the pick up spot, but I didn’t see her reply immediately, so I didn’t reply right away. She was worried that the “Craigslist murderer” kidnapped me and had been the one to text her that I was there safely, even though he had probably already cut me into pieces, just to throw off suspicion. 😂😂 😂 (we may or may not have seen too many SVUs or CSIs). All in all, it took less than 10 minutes to get there, less than 5 minutes for the exchange, and less than 10 minutes back. The course of my life changed in less than a lunch break! Now the second hurdle had been cleared.

I texted a few friends a picture of the Coachella box and they were all in semi-disbelief/not really surprised/kinda amazed/planning my *NSYNC junkie intervention. But they knew, if anyone was going on this adventure, it was me!

I had posted on Facebook trying to get someone to ride down to So Cal with me, so that I wasn’t traveling alone (I would have anyways, but company is always appreciated on long journeys). I was trying to talk my friends and fellow fans into winging it and coming along, but no bites. Finally, at about 9pm, one of my cousins replied and said she, her husband, and their baby girl were considering going down to Disney to join some of their family, and if I was still looking for some road dogs, they were in.

Schedule, check; wristband, check; road dogs, check. Everything was coming together.

I was home from work at 11:30pm, picked a few outfits, packed, showered, and was in bed by 2am. I met with my mom at 6:30am to exchange cars since hers was a little bit more current with the maintenance, and then I was back at work at 7am to get the building open and operating. The morning is still a blur. My fellow manager arrived at 11am, and I was out the doors by 11:30. I met my cousin and family at noon, and we were on our way. We got an hour into the drive and then the gas light came on. I was so excited that I had freaking forgot to get gas before we left! Like it never even crossed my mind. I had one mission, and I forgot all the steps I still needed to take to get there 😂. Luckily we were still close to civilization, so filling up happened, then we proceeded on the adventure of a lifetime. I think we only stopped a couple times for gas and a baby break on that six hour journey to our first stop. Let me tell you, my baby cousin is a true hero! That 5 month old was so well behaved, didn’t need a whole lot, and was just a little trooper. My cousin-in-law did a lot of the driving on the way down and I am so grateful for that, because it had already been a long day leading up to the trip, and it was going to be an even longer night...

We arrived in Anaheim around 6:15pm. They got checked in their room, my cousin-in-law took the car to fill up, while I got ready and prepped for the last two hour stretch of the trip.

I was officially en route to Coachella by 6:45pm. I remember eating very little all day because I just couldn’t, and I remember snacking on an apple and some goldfish during those last two hours to Coachella. (This is irrelevant but I’m throwing in all the deets I can recall).

I had never been anywhere near Coachella or Palm Springs, so I was really disoriented when I finally made it to that last highway before the getting to my destination. Traffic wasn’t horrible, but it was still quite a trek, so I was slowly getting anxiety with each passing minute. I followed directions directly to the fairgrounds, however, it was about 8:45pm at that point, and the streets were blocked a mile in every direction. I circled the area looking for anywhere to park, feeling helpless, I finally pulled over to ask someone what to do, and they informed me that parking had JUST shut down (at this point it was about 9pm). They suggested that I park at a shopping center and Uber in. I found a shopping center 3 miles away and requested an Uber. I was throwing things in my fanny pack trying to get it together because my Uber was on its way. The guy was only able to get me a mile and a half closer because of the street blockages, so I sped walked a mile and a half in, and started the winding path through the gates of Coachella.

I knew Ariana was scheduled to play at 10:30pm, and at this point it was probably 9:30pm, I was close enough, and I knew I would make it. I was no longer worried about making it in, but now I was having major anxiety and freaking out, and semi-crying at what might be happening in the next hour. There was a lot of talking to myself on that walk, the main message to myself was “BITCH BE COOL!” I knew it wouldn’t be a long line, since it was so late and the night was almost over. People were actually leaving as I was walking in and I’m thinking to myself, “don’t you people understand that *NSYNC is about to be on that stage?! Y’all are going to regret leaving early! I wonder how you are going to feel knowing you missed this when everyone would be talking about this in the morning!” But ya know what, not my problem. Their loss!

The walk into the festival felt just as long as the walk to the fairgrounds. It felt like miles of a fenced off path, which was made of dirt, but not just any dirt. The chunks of dirt were so huge, it was like walking on rocks. I was certain I was about to sprain my ankle, but I reminded myself that it would be worth it and the hospital would be there when it was over.

I made it through the gated path, nothing sprained, just a little sweat. I made it through security, and I was IN. I had absolutely no idea where I was going. I threw this trip together so last minute that I had no time to prep. I walked over to a tent covered stage. It was a big stage and I was like is this it?! I was looking for some sign labeling the stage or some list of set times, and found nothing. I asked around, the first two security people I asked were no help! One was so rude, he was like, “I don’t know, did you look at your map!” I’m thinking “mother f-er, don’t you think if I had a map I would know where the F I’m going, why would I waste my precious breath speaking to you?! I was like “dude, I JUST got here and there is no map and I need to know where the main stage is.” So his rude ass referred me to someone else who was nicer, but said that he didn’t know where the main stage was. I’m thinking “are you people kidding me?! How are you working the most popular festival known to mankind and you can’t tell me where the main stage is?!” A little panic started to set in. It was dark, it was getting late, her set was rapidly approaching, and I had no idea where I was going. So finally, I was referred to another guy, who actually pointed me in the right direction. He’s like “its all the way on the other side, past that tent, past the beer garden and you’ll see it.” The act that was on the stage I had first seen upon entrance had just started, and some people were running towards me to get to it, so I was going against traffic, but my destination was clear now. Once I had the stage in my sight, I stopped for a water. The girl selling those very reasonably priced water bottles (only 2 bucks! That was practically free in festival land) was like “I like your shirt” (an *NSYNC crop tee simply styled with *NSYNC across the chest. [PS I DON’T wear crop tops, but I figured, cuando en Coachella right?!]). And I simply asked, “this is the place right?” And she just enthusiastically nodded Yes. It was about to go down. I tried to locate a restroom, because I mean, I had just spent 2+ hours driving and chugging an energy drink and water, making no stops, but there were no restrooms in sight, and I was not about to walk back to the entrance where they were. I had done way too much just to get within eye shot of that stage, I figured, what’s a little pee in my pants?! It was probably gonna happen upon seeing *NSYNC for the first time in 17 years anyways! (PSS I didn’t actually pee my pants. I think my whole body had shut down at the point because nothing more was going to get in my way).

I kinda of walked back and fourth across the field, I walked all the way down the right side. I had one friend there already, but trying to get in contact with anyone in that mass of people was impossible. It was hard to tell where a good spot would be, because a lot of people were sitting down, so getting an accurate read was not happening. I knew just being there was all I needed, regardless of what I could or couldn’t see, but I really did want to see SOMETHING. My brain was all over the place, I was like “I could just start pushing through people. I could go all the way up front but all the way to the side,” the options were limitless. I ultimately didn’t want to cause any drama by pushing through people, I didn’t want a harsh angle of the stage, so I figured if I was semi central I would at least catch a glimpse of whatever was going down, no matter how far back I was standing. I couldn’t actually get centered because the sound and lighting booth was to my left and the people were too packed in to get through any further, not to mention there was a fenced off area in the middle for VIPs. (In fact, that’s where Billie Eilish and Justin Bieber were meeting. I remember seeing the crowd directly around that spot all holding up their lights and phones. I heard rumblings that it was Bieber, but I could not possibly care less, I’m not a fan [again, another irrelevant point, but it’s part of my memory, so whatevs!]) I settled on my spot and reminded myself that being there was enough. I’ve also done enough GA shows to know that when the show starts, people push in and up, so that was going to be my game plan.

By this time, it was probably about 10pm, and I only had thirty minutes to go! I was calm and quiet, because the ONLY thing I wanted in life might actually be happening, and I was there, I was a part of it. Ariana might have been a few minutes behind schedule, and I had no clue when the song I was waiting for would be coming, so I stayed calm and waited for it. It was the fourth song in, and when I heard the first cords to “Break Up With Your Girlfriend, I’m Bored” I immediately started crying, and my camera went up in the air. If *NSYNC was actually going to be there, this was the song. This was my entire trip, the whole saga, coming to its peak, my dreams potentially coming true, 17 years of waiting. This was it!

I honestly couldn’t see much, and I didn’t even see them walk on the stage. This was either going to be the greatest moment of my life, or the biggest disappointment I’ve ever experienced. When the song came to a pause, and she looked over her shoulder, and then uttered the words I’d waited so long to hear again, I lost my whole ass mind. “Ladies and Gentlemen, *NSYNC!” I basically blacked out at that moment, and I only remember bits and pieces. I know I still couldn’t see, but what glimpse I did catch, I really only saw JC at first and I was like “is it just him?” And for a tenth of a second, I was thoroughly confused, but still getting my life and losing my ever loving mind! My eyes darted around, and I finally caught a glimpse of everyone else. (I also still didn’t know if Justin was there or not, because I knew it was physically possible that he be there, albeit, highly unlikely. Honestly, I’ll always love Justin, even though I can’t stand him much of the time, and I did secretly hope he would have made it to this, but I was perfectly fine with the fact that he ultimately wasn’t there). I didn’t know what my camera was recording, and I didn’t care, because this moment was everything. When the song ended, I stopped recording, because that was it...or so I thought. I had never even imagined that there would be more and I was so content with them just singing “It Makes Me Ill.” I didn’t have any time to process because immediately after that ended, “Tearin Up My Heart” started and my blackout went even darker. I managed to get my phone recording again, I still couldn’t see a thing, but it didn’t matter. What I do remember was the people right in front of me, looking back at me, and staring. I still have no idea why, because it could have been my screaming, it’s possible it was my singing, it might have been me sobbing, I may have even bumped them while jumping around. I was not aware of anything I was physically doing. I do remember Ari in the middle hitting that choreography so hard, and when Joey yelled “Let me see you jump!” I think that’s when I snapped back in to reality and I started processing things again. I went even harder with the dancing, singing and jumping, because it was one of those moments when I found myself actively living in the moment, and I wanted to live it the best I could. I’ve probably never smiled that huge in my life. As the song wound down, I stayed recording just in case more was coming (not that I needed anything else, because my life was complete in that moment), so I have them thanking the crowd and Ariana and that was a perfect way to wrap up that video.

Once they cleared the stage, I had to catch my breath, gather myself, and keep

from crumbling to the floor. I remember leaning over with my hands on my knees, trying to get my vision and hearing back. Attempting to process anything that had just happened. I had had a brief exchange with the guy next to me before Ari hit the stage and I was like “I’m here for *NSYNC” and I showed him my shirt. While I was trying to compose myself, he put his hands on my shoulders and was just like “OH MY GOD!” I think that was the general consensus of the crowd, because it was that epic. I stayed for her whole set, and appreciated everything she brought to the stage, but nothing would top *NSYNC. It was one of those show stopping, jaw dropping moments that could never be duplicated.

Because cell service had been so bad during the show, I just put my phone on airplane mode, as to not drain the battery, and I honestly, didn’t give a crap about the outside world. Not a lot of people knew I was going, and I didn’t want to jinx anything, so I kept the details of the trip very quiet, with the exception of a few friends I had texted or messaged directly. So once all was sang and done, I turned airplane off, only to be blasted with texts from friends who knew I was there, checking to see if I was still alive. Because I hadn’t replied immediately, a few of them thought I was dead in the dirt in the desert 😂😂😂😂.

The crowd was clearing out, and I was trying to coordinate a meet up with a friend of mine who scored a wristband earlier that same day. She was the only person I knew there, and I’m so glad I had someone to squeeze after the greatest moment of my life! We went to good ol’ Denny’s to hang out and further bask in the glory of the evening! We had mutual friends, and were pals on social media, but never had the chance to hang out together, so it was great to catch up and squeal about what we witnessed!

Finally, around 2am, I headed out of Indio, and I was on my way home. Yes, this trip was a down and back adventure. I knew it would be brutal, but I knew that it would be worth it. I drove about 3 hours up, and stopped to nap in the car, for what was supposed to be a 30 minute cat nap, but turned into a couple hours 😂. I was on a time crunch because I was due to be back at work at 11am. I got back on the road at 5am and the journey continued. I had exhausted so much energy at the show, that the last five hours of the drive home were harsh! I had to stop several times to stretch and keep my blood flowing, and at one point I knew I wasn’t going to make it to work on time, so I let my manager know. She knew I had gone, and knew I was insane, and was shocked I was still driving home, so she was cool with me coming in an hour or so late 🙏🏻. I made it home to shower and change, then made it to work for another nine hours. Although I was exhausted, I had the comfort of knowing that I had just experienced one of my top two moments in life (the other being the Star Ceremony) and the smile never left my face.

The entire adventure officially lasted less than 48 hours. I’m still amazed that everything went down the way that it did. I’m a strong believer in “if it’s meant to be, it will be.” And this was just another example of that being true for me, and especially when it comes to *NSYNC. I have experienced so many cool things and have countless memories thanks to those guys, and this moment will go down as one of the greatest!

[sketchygirls4lipstickboys]

How You Met the Gang - Curtis Sister HC

Hey! I haven’t posted in awhile and I love Curtis Sister hcs, so here’s this. This is partly inspired by outside-the-fandoms post, so go check theirs out cause I love it sm.

Also I just watched Dirty Dancing like five times so prepare for more Darry hcs you big losers.

This is written from your point of view, your name is Maybell “May” Cynthia Curtis. You’re fifteen and were born on May 2nd, 1950. (I’m not into the whole ‘y/n’ stuff sorry y’all).

P.s this is written with my “How the Gang Met Hc” in mind. You can read that if you want a bit more context. :)

Darry:

Your mom used to tell you that your birth was the hardest one she’d had. Harder than Darry’s or Soda’s, even Ponyboy’s, who came after you. Pop said that it was cause you’re a chick and they just ‘come out different’.

Your pa was a riot. You can’t help but see how much him and Soda were -are- alike. Sure, Darry had his looks, but his personality was all Soda.

It was after your mom had given birth to you, she was screaming her guts out so loud that your dad said he was pretty sure all of Tulsa could hear her.

Your dad had to take care of your mom, leaving Darry to roam the room. Right before your mom when into labor, they left Soda at your grandparents place. They loved Soda to death, but there was no way they could take care of 18 month old while your mom was giving birth.

Darry, being five and generally well behaved, wanted to go so bad and begged so hard that your parents couldn’t say no. Because no one wanted a little sister more than Darrel Curtis Jr. And that was that.

The nurses had just taken you away from your mom, they needed to clean you off and rap you up. Pop recalled that she’d almost not let them do it. She just didn’t want to let you go.

When they had finished they left you in a crib next to your mom’s hospital bed. One of the nurses who had stayed with Darry during the actual birth walked him back into the room to stay with your parents. You immediately caught his attention. He walked over to you with wide eyes and put his tiny fingers over the rim of the crib. He stared at you for awhile before saying in a soft whisper,

“She’s beautiful, Ma.”

Sodapop:

When your parents finally came back from the hospital to pick up Sodapop and take you back to your new home, they decided to introduce you to the almost two year old Soda.

He said something that could only be recognizable as a jumble of words that vaguely sounded like “gaaaaabuH!”

If it makes you feel any better, his second word after ‘Momma’ was ‘Poopybell’. So, take that however you want.

But yeah, that’s the moment that Soda described as the “beginning to [his] comedy career”.

Ponyboy:

Your first encounter with Ponyboy is not much different. Being only a fresh 14 months and 20 days old at the time of his birth, you don’t quite remember when you first met your younger brother. But a huge fight between the Curtis family, still to this day, is wether or not your first words were ‘Pony’ or just a hiccup that your mother heard.

Steve:

You’ve known Steve almost all your life. Sodapop met him at the age of four and they were basically inseparable ever since. Which meant your entire family got real close to him real quick. You met him at around age two, going on three. Your mom invited Steve to stay over for dinner, and he smiled happily at the smell of the roast she had made. 

You, being at prime ‘forced to sit at the dinner table in your high chair’ age, was to do nothing but just sit there and eat. Steve had never seen you before, or Ponyboy, so he sat next to Soda and just stared at the two of you. 

“Hey, Soda?” Steve asked in his high pitched voice, all while he was still staring.

“Yeah, Stevie?” Soda said around a mouthful of pot roast.

“Those your kid siblings?” 

“Yup!” He smiled at Steve, his cheeks noticeably full with food. Steve giggled at the sight, and turned to take a bite of his own food.

Johnny:

Soda was in third grade, and you were in second when you met Johnny. Johnny, Steve, and Soda were all in the same grade, Steve and Soda just having met him. 

According to the man himself, Johnny always wanted little siblings. You and Pony where who he immediately gravitated to when he went to the Curtis Household for the first time. He even let you do his hair. 

Two-Bit:

Two-Bit was two years older than Soda when they started hanging out. Making him 3 almost 4 years older than you when you first met.

Two-Bit was raiding your pantry, when he turned around to see a young 8 year old girl eating soup at 3pm in the afternoon. 

He turned away from you to grab two straws and stick them up his nose. He faced you and began talking like a walrus. You were, to say the least, confused yet amused at his antics. 

“You’re doing it wrong,” You pointed out. You then got two straws of your own and put them in your mouth. “See, this is how you do it.” You said in a muffled tone as you pointed to the straws in your mouth.

The two of you where making walrus noises in funny voices for about five minutes when Two-Bit asked,

“You’re Soda’s kid sister, ain’t you?” His walrus voice still in full use.

“Yup, who are you?” Your walrus voice didn’t waver either, it was a contest you planned on winning.

“Two-Bit Mathews.” The voice was getting more ridiculous every time he talked.

You stopped, took the straws out of your mouth, and said in a genuinely curious regular voice, “Two-Bit? That’s your real name? Like, it says so on your birth certificate and everything?”

“Nope, uh, that’s just what people call me, cause of how funny i am. My real name’s Keith.” He was still using a full on accent and tried shaking your hand, which you didn’t take.

“That’s stupid. You shoulda just said that in the first place. I don’t like even like my name, who calls somebody ‘Maybell’? Besides, i like Keith way more than ‘Two-A-Piece’ or whatever.” You stood up, washed your soup bowl, and went back to your room. You had a town to run anyway. 

Two-Bit, or now, Keith took the straws out of his nose and just laughed, 

Dally: 

The beginning of 8th grade, that’s when you met Dallas Winston. He was a freshman with Soda, Steve, and Johnny, and they had just decided to hang out after school at your house with Two-Bit. 

“Who’s the broad?” Was the first thing he said when walking through the front door.

You were reading one of Ponyboy’s books on the couch. You hated to say it, but you understood why he loved these things so much. You looked up when he came into the living room, but then just ignored him. You’ve met plenty of guys like him.

“Dallas, meet my little sis!” Soda walked over to the couch and jumped on you with full force. You screamed, and laughed as you pushed him off of you.

“Hiya, Texas” You turned to him while still giggling. He gave a distasteful look at the nickname and nodded at you. He was a little cute, if you were being honest.

“Get out of the way, you bums! Mickey’s on!” Two-Bit took the place on the couch next to you and turned his attention to the tv. 

You weren’t sure if the boys were laughing or groaning, but hey, these dudes were like your brothers. Maybe if they thought Dally was cool, he wasn’t all that bad.

[crystalinn]

I haven’t posted about this here yet, but boy howdy has my life been A Mess™️ of late.

TW: medical talk, high stress situations, mentions of blood under the cut

This is a very long post, so a mild TL;DR: ma’s sick and this is me for eternity now (loud noises in video): 

Picture it. November 10th (ish. Time is hard.). The motherbeast came down with a case of viral bronchitis. She got a few days off work to recover. 

A couple days pass. She went back to work. Her manager sent her in the cooler for two hours. 

An immediate downturn ft. a fall out of bed that took 45 minutes to fix, heavy panting, confusion, the whole lot. She went to the Express ER. They said “oh hey, your viral bronchitis has become full blown pneumonia. You’re goin’ to the Real Hospital™️ for two days. See if you respond well.” Turns out, she did, at first. 

About a week or two of what seemed like solid improvement all came crashing back down when her return to work arrived. She went back to work... or tried to. She went to step onto the curb and gravity said no. She faceplanted the pavement, and the ambulance was called. A thorough concussion check later, and her manager drove her and her truck home. The next day, she went back to the Express ER, and they said “oh shit, your lung xray is worse than last time. Back to the Hospital for you.” 

That stay was nine days long. She was tested for tuberculosis (which came back negative, thankfully), and had a PICC line installed. During said stay, she did get rather confused and agitated, as it was near the end of the month and the rent needed paid. She called me in the middle of the night, asking me to move her IV... despite me being at home. So that was a thing.

After she came home on the 4th of this month (December), I had to start administering her PICC line antibiotics, every 8 hours. Did y’all know that cefepime (a bigboi antibiotic) smells like someone doing unholy things to eggs? Sulfuric smelling bullshit, that. Had some hiccups there, what with massive air bubbles in the line and getting the infusion orb stuck on the line. We were supposed to be done the 25th. Then she went to her new primary care doctor, and it was extended to the 6th of January, which h.

Anyway, fast forward to the 23rd. Mum was out with a pal, getting some groceries, and some Miralax ‘cause... y’know, and she fell on her ass. At this point, falling down is like a glowing neon red flag. She came home, was a bit wobbly, but was generally okay. Her primary care doctor called after the home health nurses stole some blood to tell her that her potassium levels are critical. A friend/my ‘adopted’ brotherbeast, Frank, brought her a fuckton of bananas that night. 

Now this is where it gets real fuckin’ spicy. The morning of the 24th, after we get done with the 7am orb, I gave her a dose of Miralax. She was fine, until the 3pm orb, when severe gut cramps showed up. Those lasted until about midnight when things... moved along. After that, shit went downhill fast. I put her to bed after orb times at 11 pm, and she kept waking up. As time went on, she got more and more confused. Like, she knew general things, in a kinda slow way, but she could not follow directions. On the morning of the 25th (fucking Christmas.), things had reached its boiling point. She was very confused, unable to focus, slurring words. I rang up a friend, Sandy (who has been a massive help this whole time of Fuckery), to get her to the ER. This triggered a complete meltdown. It took both of us to get her out of her chair, not to mention the sudden burst of confused crying and begging not to go. 

We finally managed to get her there, and the ER’s like “yo this looks like a stroke, so we’re gonna keep her, do an MRI or three, and get back to you.” Turns out she was very dehydrated, currently has a UTI, and is still a bit... shall we say, fucked up. But, the MRI came out clean, but there was some issue with the PICC with like, a blood clot, but they cleaned it out, so they let her go on the 26th. 

But just wait for it... I put her to bed pretty much as soon as she got home, ‘cause she doesn’t sleep in the hospital. Makes sense, right? I went to check on her at about 8, and she was unable to really comply with requests/commands/questions. I’d ask “what’s your name?”, I’d get her name (most of the time), but when I’d ask “when’s your birthday?”, I’d get her name again. Or the fact she lost her PICC line cap, and I’d ask her to hold the newly sterilized port so it wouldn’t touch anything, she’d say okay, take it, and immediately drop it. Repeatedly. 

I broke down whilst on the phone with my dad because everything has been too much of late, and eventually put her back to bed to wait for the 11pm orb. 

11pm rolled around... and well. I couldn’t get her to wake up. She’d react to me poking and prodding her by making noise and moving away, but she would not wake up. Not properly. So, I called the on call home health nurse to see if she could help, and she pretty much told me to just call an ambulance. Not wanting the expense because I live in Hell the US, I called my dad. He helped me try to wake her up over the phone, but she flat refused. I was left with no choice. So, I called the ambulance, and just before they knocked on the door, she sat up like “huh?” but extra confused. She almost didn’t go to the hospital because she said “nah, I don’t want to go” but one of the EMTs was like “nah, you gotta go.”

So, she spent about 8 hours in the ER, and they told me that they can’t keep her since she was mostly lucid, but they did float an Idea (a skilled nursing facility, at least until she got her ducks in a row) to her that was immediately denied, but with some prodding from me, she finally agreed. So they moved her upstairs from the ER to keep her until they can find a facility in the Blue Cross/Blue Shield network that’s reasonably local. The one that came to visit yesterday turned out to not be, and I’m pretty sure the dude kicked it back to the Case Supervisor to see if they can find another. But, after they moved her into her room, she’s cleared up quite a bit. 

She’s still a bit slow on the uptake sometimes, a bit unfocused, and can get caught out in the grapes mentally, but she has improved a lot. 

Oh, and another thing she’s been doing is fighting me re: eating since the first go around. Bread’s a texture issue, rice is hard to eat without teeth, and everything else “smells bad” (which, since she’s quit smoking as of that second hospital stay... I understand, but you gotta sometimes push past that.) I did manage bananas though. Thank fuck for those. 

But, back to the plot: today (the 28th) was a decent day. Much clearer, less starts and stops in her speech. A bit more focused. She didn’t manage to sleep last night, so she was kinda tired. Had another MRI, but we won’t know about that until probably tomorrow (the 29th). Maybe. Had some PICC issues, though. The nurse got the cefepime running just fine, then mum had to use the bathroom, and when she came out, the machine started screaming bloody murder. After that, the nurse came back and tried to flush the line, since the cefepime was unable to run, and when she took the syringe off, the saline shot right back out... which ain’t supposed to happen. Hit me, the nurse, mum, the bed... probably got the windows too. So they’re working on that, and hopefully they figure it out.

Had my own woes at the hospital today, too. The sole of my boot fell off, so my ride/friend/adopted sister?, Sandy, went to walmart and got me some Heavy Duty Superglue, which I got it about half way stuck before we had to leave... then when we were pulling into the parking lot at home, the nurse in charge called to ask some questions about the PICC, the antibiotic, how long it’d been there, how long she was supposed to be on it, the pharmacy’s number, all that. So I went to get out of the car, my coke bottle fell out of my pocket, started rolling under the car, and I overextended. Fell right on my knees. They are not happy. Took a hot minute to get my dumb ass off the ground, without hurting Sandy, who is like 5′2″ and v smol. I am 5′6″ and... decidedly not. Plus the bonus rain.

UPDATE 12/29/2019: the diverticulitis has made a reappearance. It’s like everything is just It’s free real estate.

UPDATE 12/31/2019: Around 2 am this morning, she managed to roll out of bed and whack her head pretty good on something. They did a CT scan, and it came out clean. No concussion. However, now she has a sitter/keeper/minder to make sure she doesn’t do it again. It’s a good thing the nurses heard her fall, ‘cause despite being armed, the bed alarm didn’t go off. I know of all of this, ‘cause the hospital called me at 3 this morning, and boy howdy that’s a gut drop, let me tell you. But, better a CT ride and a bump on her noggin vs. the alternative. Sure is one thing after a-fucking-nother, ain’t it though.

UPDATE 1/1/2020: 2019 keep your problems challenge: she's had a major mental shift again, and now she's really groggy, really confused... So the hospital moved her to the ICU and called me for consent on a spinal tap, just to make sure they're not missing anything. Other than that, they've done x-rays and another CT, I think to check her spine, hips, the one leg she's been having issues with. The doctors also think that it may be the cefepime causing this altered mental state, and after doing some digging, boy howdy I sure believe it. Cephalosporins are some nasty fuckers.

So! That’s been my month and a half! I’d like to take a break now, please!

EDIT: Further updates found here.

[kylo-ren-writes]

Soulmates, Part 2

I, II

Pairing: Kylo Ren x Reader

Request: anon requested:

“ Hii, I’ve had this on my mind for foreevveerrrr but I was wondering if you could do a super angsty Kylo x reader fic where it’s a soul mate type of situation but Kylo won’t admit it because he’s an asshole and he’s trying to push reader away. But one day he’s just so fed up with all the conflicting emotions that he starts a huge fight in hopes that it make reader leave but instead he ends up telling reader he’s in love with them? I hope that makes sense🙈”

Warnings: Cold Kylo, kind of angsty, short part.

Tag List: @that-girl-named-alex @patersonfrompaterson @ericatrbl                     (If you wanted to be tagged but weren’t let me know!)

A/N: this part is shorter because I wanted to make the next one more fluffy and have Kylo actually nice in it, lol. I’ll probably post part 3 tomorrow or Saturday! (gif not mine!)

Another week goes by after the incident in the meeting room with Kylo. It still stings, what he said to you--or didn’t--and how he reacted. The cold look he had had on his stupidly handsome face is still burned into your memory, and every time you are forced to see him, that image of him is the only thing you can see.

The only reason you haven’t quit yet, other than the fact that you need a job, is because of the knowledge that Kylo is your soulmate. Even though he has made it pretty clear that he wants nothing to do with you, you can’t help but hold out hope. It’s stupid, but maybe you could sway him, or even have some form of healthy relationship with him, even if it is only friendship. You would take anything at this point if it meant that the two of you were on good terms. If not to settle the ache in your chest, but also to make your job as his assistant more bearable.

In the office, you feel alone. The whole soulmate mess with Kylo has you too down and depressed to make any friends or interact with anyone in the office. Not to mention how isolated your own space is. Your desk sits outside of Kylo’s office inside a small room that leads out into the hallway. It leaves you completely by yourself when Kylo has his door closed, which is always. It’s miserable.

Kylo has been holed up in his office all day. He had made the swift command earlier this morning that he did not want to be bothered by anyone for whatever reason. It brings you comfort and calmness. You don’t have to worry about attending to his every need, or more importantly, you don’t have to worry about having to see him; To face him and look him in the eye.

But just because you don’t have to worry about seeing him, doesn’t mean you aren’t thinking about him. For the past week after you had gotten over his coldness towards you, which you are not actually recovered from, you cannot help but wonder if Kylo is suffering just as you are. Of course, you assume he isn’t, but after doing research on “soulmates,” your findings reveal that Kylo should be in as much pain as you are. Soulmates are naturally pulled together. Trying to sever the bond would be painful for the both of you, emotionally and physically. Of course, naturally that is hard to believe. Kylo acts like nothing happened between the two of you. He acts like you aren’t soulmates, like he isn’t bothered by the issue. He’s cold and apathetic. There is nothing from him to give away any secret emotions he may be feeling over ignoring you.

Although, even though you are hurting and Kylo is the only person you can think about, you do give him his space. You don’t engage in conversation with Kylo unless he initiates it or you have to. You don’t go near him unless he calls for you. Every interaction between you is professional and distant. Exactly how Kylo wants it. You respect what he wants and his space, even though it is painful for you.

You suppose it is the soulmate bond that prevents you from slamming open Kylo’s door to give him a piece of your mind.

When 3pm rolls around there is an ache in your upper back and neck from hunching yourself over your desk. You straighten your spine as you stretch out the kink, rolling your shoulders forwards and back to alleviate the ache.

A coffee sounds great to you, as well as food since you had skipped lunch on the off chance Kylo would need you. He hadn’t, however (big surprise), so you busied yourself with paperwork and files all afternoon, blocking out the sounds of the office and the image of him in your head. You’re the kind of person that buries themselves in their work when you feel sad or upset, so at least your work ethic isn’t suffering.

You stand up from your chair and make to grab your purse from where it sits on the floor when suddenly the door to Kylo’s office opens. Freezing in place, your gaze snaps over to the door where Kylo is standing. He seems to gaze at you, in fact, you notice his eyes roaming over you, or are you imagining it?

“What are you doing?” Kylo asks, his tone curt and impassive.

Smoothing your hands over your skirt, your eyes flicker down to the floor where your purse still sits, before glancing back up at his face. His dark hair is tousled, messy, like he had been running his fingers through it all day. 

“I was about to go get myself lunch and a coffee,” you reply.

Kylo narrows his brows. “It’s 3pm.” His large hands rest in the pockets of his trousers, the movement causing your gaze to unintentionally shift to there.

You clear your throat and pick your purse up from the floor. “I… missed lunch… lost track of time,” you say, shrugging nonchalantly. If he knew the real reason why you had purposely missed lunch, he would not be happy.

Kylo’s gaze is studious as he observes you, considering your explanation. You’re not sure if that is your cue to go or not, or if he has more to say.

Then finally, “bring me back a coffee.” Not even a please.

“Black?” You ask, ignoring his lack of manners and the gruffness to his tone as you mindlessly roll your chair into the desk. At least he isn’t annoyed or agitated like how he normally is when he demands coffee. You know it isn’t your place, although it really should be, but you wish he wouldn’t work as hard as he does. The physical toll it takes on him is obvious with the dark circles under his eyes and the amount of coffee he seems to consume daily.

A wordless nod is all you get for a response and then you are walking around your desk, past Kylo, to leave. But before you can cross the doorway an idea pops into your head. Stopping in your tracks, you slowly turn, your eyes immediately meeting his golden brown ones. You’ve never seen eyes like his, and no matter how cheesy it is, you’ve fallen in love with them.

Kylo hasn’t moved, only turned his body in the intention of watching you leave. You try not to let that observation flourish into something hopeful.

“Would you like to come with me?” You ask him as you fix him with a small, hopeful smile. You ignore that doubtful voice in your head telling you to give up.

It almost looks like Kylo is considering it, but judging by how stiff his posture gets and the cold look to his eyes, you don’t have to hear his answer to know it. “No.”

Of course you are let down, but you try not to let it show. However, you aren’t about to let this go either. The two of you could be friends, couldn’t you?

“Are you sure? I know you haven’t left your office all day. You must be hungry.”

Kylo doesn’t bring a lunch from home, you know that. So, you look at him knowingly, seeing one of his fingers twitch from your peripheral, as if he’s trying not to let anything slip. But he must know that you know, you’ve spent enough time with him to pick up on his habits. You’re also his soulmate, so, naturally you pay extra attention to him than you would someone else.

“I am hungry,” Kylo exhales, seemingly annoyed, but still controlled. “However, I don’t particularly want to eat with you,” he deadpans.

You try not to allow his statement to bother you, but you can’t help how your lips naturally fall into a frown, or the backwards step you take in recoil. “Oh…” is all you can manage as the grip you have on your purse tightens.

Of course Kylo would say that, you shouldn’t have expected anything less from the man. He is colder than an iceberg, after all. But it still stings and you are utterly failing at trying to not let it bother you. And bother you it should. Kylo is your soulmate. The rejection hurts, leaving a physical ache inside your chest where your heart is.

Peeling your gaze away, you half turn so you don’t have to look at him anymore, because looking at his cold, impassive face is like a slap to yours. “I will get you your coffee then, sir.” Your tone is level and a little bit cold. But you only did that so he wouldn’t know the effect of his blow.

When you don’t receive a response from the man, you walk out of the small room and head towards the elevator. You could cry right now, you really could, but there would not be much of a point. You presume this is about as warm as Kylo will be towards you, you might as well get used to it.

[macgyvermedical]

How did the surgery go?

It went really well!

Take this as you will, but I’ve got to say that, as a nurse who has taken care of both trans and cis patients who have had this very surgery (laparoscopic hysterectomy), I was way more worried about how I would be as a patient afterwards than I was about the actual surgery.

The trans male (and honestly most 20-something male, cis or trans) patients I’ve had were consistently… difficult due to low pain tolerance/hospital inexperience/general neediness issues and being a 20-something trans guy myself I went in with a sole goal to be as pleasant and low-maintenance as possible to try to stave this generalization off.

I’ve never been admitted to the hospital before. I had top surgery (bilateral mastectomy) as an outpatient and have been to the emergency department a couple of times, but I’ve been otherwise pretty healthy and more or less expected this to be an outpatient surgery too.

When I woke up after the procedure, I was in a ton of pain. I wasn’t really expecting this because when I’d had top surgery, there was almost no pain when I was in PACU, and I think I took maybe 5 percocet total while recovering at home before switching over to ibuprofen.

It was difficult to communicate that I was in pain because I was still pretty out of it from the anesthesia, and I remember just crying/moaning really hard. The PACU nurse gave me fentanyl IV but it either didn’t help at all or I passed back out and woke up hurting again and super nauseated.

That’s probably why they admitted me. In order to go home after an outpatient hysterectomy, you need to be able to drink water and keep it down, urinate, pass gas/have audible bowel sounds, walk, keep O2 sats above 92% on room air, and manage pain and nausea with oral medication.

When I left PACU, I didn’t have a nasal cannula, so I’m pretty sure I could do the O2 thing, but I hadn’t made much progress towards anything else. I listened to my nurse give report on me (a surreal experience). Riding on the cot up to my room was difficult because I had to sit right on the part of me that hurt the most, so about halfway up I kind of propped myself up on my hands which made it a little better.

I got up to the room and scooted over to the bed from the transport cot. I was still in a lot of pain but I could communicate it verbally to my nurse. I switched over to oral pain medication and drank a few sips of water and didn’t throw it up. Yay!

The GYN service schedules tylenol and toradol as base pain control for a lap hysterectomy and has oxycodone as a breakthrough. At the beginning, its the toradol doing the heavy lifting (its an IV NSAID similar to ibuprofen and works best on the cramps), and as the local anesthetic wears off in the incisions (about 12 hours later), the tylenol and oxycodone work best for the incisional pain.

I took everything I could when I got there, and the nurse and I joked about the zofran order being put in incorrectly (it used to happen ALL THE TIME the exact same way, so I felt that frustration both for my nurse and myself). My nurse put in another IV (which was exceedingly nice of her- I had a working one but it was in my AC and therefore extremely positional, causing the pump to beep constantly, but she managed to get one in my forearm and it worked so much better).

I talked to the resident for a few minutes (she told me the surgery had been a little more involved than expected due to some endometriosis, but that overall it had gone well and there hadn’t been any complications) and then I distracted myself answering texts and talking to my mom, then slept for about 2 hours.

When I woke up, I was in considerably less pain. I tried to urinate (I was DTV (”due to void") by 3pm), and only managed about 100ml after sitting in there for what felt like an hour (I needed 240ml to meet that discharge milestone). Fortunately, I still had a couple of hours. I was still nauseated, but forced myself to drink about 500ml water and ice chips over about a half hour, then slept for another hour, and urinated about 300ml. I could now breathe, drink, and pee. Woot!

I knew someone would be coming in soon to tell me to get up and walk, so I got up and walked a few times around the floor, and had a brief conversation with one of my former coworkers. It was so nice getting to see them again, even if it was as a patient.

While things were fun and all (a much better experience than I thought being admitted was going to be, honestly) I knew the one thing I wanted to do was go home and sleep in my own bed. 

So the next time my nurse came by, I asked if she would be willing to ask the resident if I could be discharged that evening since I had met all my milestones and had a ride home. The resident said yes and my nurse promised to get me out by the end of her shift (a bold promise, as the end of her shift was a mere 2 hours away and by that point and she had 3 fresh post-ops besides me). But she pulled off that miracle and I ended up at home that night!

I didn’t sleep well, but managed my own pain control and just kinda slept in the next morning. I spent several hours that day walking and trying to break up the gas bubbles that were left due to the CO2 they’d filled my abdomen with during the surgery, but otherwise focused on staying hydrated. I didn’t feel nauseated but I also wasn’t at all hungry. I finally ate real food for dinner that evening.

I slept a lot better that night and today I’ve been sooooo much better- walking, taking a shower, and eating real food have been great! At this point I’m a little more tired than usual but otherwise just feel like I’m on a period- the LAST ONE EVER. HA.

Some interesting points-

I couldn’t feel my bladder or if I had to pee after the surgery. I kinda just had to guess if the cramping was because my bladder was full or because my body was “aw f*ck we’re missing an organ”.

My pee came out at a different angle than it had before surgery, and the first 2-3 times it stung like all heck because of the catheter.

I was SO HOT coming out of surgery. I’m generally a warm person but heck, it felt like I was on fire even though everyone in my room said it was cold.

I found out I shake when I’m in pain.

A lap hysterectomy does feel like a really awful period. I can only remember being in that much pain once before in my life and it was because of a period, and it felt exactly the same.

The not nauseated-not hungry thing is weird. You have to force yourself to eat and you totes feel better afterward but nothing tastes good and… ugh. You won’t wanna.

Putting in another IV when you have a working one that just beeps a lot is the single greatest act of kindness a nurse can do for you. It takes time and concentration to do well, especially if you have sucky veins, so thank your nurses if they’re willing to do this for you.

Getting a patient out of the hospital right at the end of a shift is also exceedingly noteworthy. I don’t know how much later she stayed because of me, but Courtney, you are a wonderful human being.

[kelsmister]

CONVENTION REVIEWS:: SacAnime Winter 2019 Pros: Table affordable 2 Badges Big table, I believe 6 feet? Plenty of space behind (though I had a pillar row) Huge hall Easy to find/navigate Load IN/OUT a breeze Wifi, if needed, is cheap Cons: Hotel sold out, so had to go further Very small hallway outside vendor hall Attendees did walk behind me several times Weather Had to fly in (so more money) Had to use Uber So SacAnime was my first time ever doing a non-pony related California convention. I somehow magically got off the waitlist and got in. The downside to this was by the time I did get in the neighboring hotels were already sold out. So I let my mom pick a hotel much further away, with the hopes the hotel there may offer a free shuttle. (No luck) Plus side it did offer free service to the airport, and free breakfast each morning. Load in didn’t start until around 3pm on Thursday, so when we arrived around 1:30 we were able to snag a bite to eat before heading downtown. Finding the convention center was a breeze, and with a quick hop out of our Uber behind the building we rolled in my two suitcases. I set up and with that we headed back to get up bright and early Friday morning for day 1. Friday I did amazing sales wise. I did what I normally do in an entire weekend back home in Arizona, which is saying something. I was impressed, and had a fun day chatting it up with customers. My friend showed up offering me a chance to get some better food than what was offered inside the con. A food truck outside had grilled cheese, it was decent, but hey I was hungry, anything was better than stinky nachos or reheated chicken. Saturday the rains came. Weather got colder, and I had to buy a sweater of all things. Sales were still pretty good. Despite the horrid weather unfolding outside people were showing up to the con in the droves. Then, it happened. Around 3:30 or so the fire alarms went off. A blaring familiar tone I know too well from past cons. I groaned hoping it would subside, or an announcement would tell us what to do. After a few minutes, and attendees still shopping, I assumed whatever, they’d inform us. Right away as I was talking with someone a staff member shouted right in my face “GUYS ALARM, EVACUATE!!” Rude, but yeah I figured. You guys weren’t saying anything. So I shoved my money box and wallet into my backpack and made my way out the loading docks doors which were opened for us all. We stood outside for a few more minutes before the alarms shut off, and people just started to waltz right back in. I shouted at the crowd to HOLD IT, as we didn’t know if we could go back in. Then a voice in the very back yelled “ONLY EXHIBITORS AND VENDORS CAN RE-ENTER.” Ok, thank you anonymous voice from the great beyond. After that it took a bit for people to file back in, as again we only had about an hour left anyhow. Sunday, god, the weather, if Saturday was a rain storm this was typhoon levels of storming. Miserably cold, wet, and windy. Sales were moderate, and I decided to do a special “Follow me on social get a free item” thing for a while. My only complaint was with lack of sleep that night I was dead on my feet this last day of the con. When 6pm rolled around I was in robot mode packing up and rolling away. When we summoned uber and got outside the eye of the storm was on like a ton of bricks. The doors blew open, water sprayed up from the streets soaking me from head to toe and blinding my vision as my glasses were now swimming in rain. My shoes were sloppy soaking rags, it was horrid. We ordered pizza and I tried to sleep, to no avail again. Plus side Monday was fly back so I slept a bit on the plane and bus. My only real complaint was the WIFI issue. Somehow I lucked out and in my spot my phone worked, moderately ok. Sure it lagged a bit on pokemon go, or when posting to twitter or facebook, but it worked. I took credit cards just fine. I had however, planned on paying for the Wifi, if the lady had shown up early enough for me to make it worthwhile. I asked at 10:30 am on Friday, they informed me someone had to show up to do it. I overheard on the PA system around 3:30pm that said lady had arrived. A bit late if you ask me. My phone worked, so I didn’t need it. I also lucked out with my table placement. I assumed being next to a giant cement pillar would put me at a disadvantage. Such as being hard to spot, or just the pillar being an eyesore. Instead it gave me so much room behind my table I never was bothered by my neighbors. Heck, I’d almost say if you can request a pillar! It also helped when people would ask “Where are you?” I’d say “FIND THE GIANT PILLAR!” Because rows without the pillars had around 4-5 feet max behind them. Me? I had close to 10. The downside to this was people thought the backside of artists was a proper aisle to walk down. I did inform staff via FB this, and by Saturday mid-day they had put up a temporary barrier. One girl almost took me out with her cape as she walked past. I do wish the aisles had banners or labels or something to identify them. It’s silly for us to post “I’m at table A-14!” when you have no clue where A anything is there. I was in G row, but you couldn’t tell. There wasn’t a floor sign, or hanging sign, or anything. I know most cons don’t do this, but for a show THIS large they need to invest in them. Even something like a printed up banner taped to the ground would help. Over all this show was wonderful. I got to enjoy a new city in California, made good bucks, and had a lousy sleeping night (but that’s hotels fault XD). Minus the weather it was fun. I hope to do this one again!

[lifeonhardmode]

day 22

Well hello again, Life on Hard Mode blog. Since I last talked to you, I completed both big deadlines at both jobs. Starting today, I now have a bit of a break: 2 weeks off from main job, and much less of the stress/deadlines thing at side job. Annnnnnd... Bae got tickets to come see me! hurrah.

So I’m counting days again, but this time I’m counting down until my sweetie shows up at my door. Since I have more time to myself now, I’m revisiting the LOHM lifestyle that I had to abandon for work, at least for the next 3 weeks. I’ll plan to check in here from today (day 22) until arrival (day 0). I probably won’t do a whole lot of blogging while bae is here, since I will be back to working 2 jobs as well as entertaining my favorite person ;)

My actual concrete plans in the next 22 days are: work at side job, go camp with a friend for a night or two, doctor appointment, #bloodweek, back to main job, manage a side job helper for a few days, and a friend visiting from out of town.

So. What were my LOHM goals, and which ones am I keeping for this 22-day mini challenge?

Diet

I wanted to follow WFPB and cut sugar. I am pretty good about that but haven’t been 100% lately. I have some junk food at home right now and I’ll finish that up but then I’m moving back to all clean WFPB, no oil, really try for the Daily Dozen, do more mindful meal planning. I’m doing protein powder now though, which isn’t WFPB but I’m fine with that.

I’ve still been doing food journaling and plan to keep it up.

One thing I kind of started doing that wasn’t an explicit goal but something I just started exploring: a week of eating really low fat to lessen the cramps, then a week of high fat to make sure I’m getting enough, then a week of focusing on high protein for muscle growth. It seems to be working for me! I want to be more intentional and continue doing that.

I am thinking that I’ll maintain at this weight for the summer, then “bulk” in the fall to see if that helps me get stronger.

Fitness

I was doing cardio progressions and strength progressions, plus daily yoga. I have done 60m every day including daily yoga. 

I’ve stalled a little on the strength progressions because I haven’t had time to read up on form for the next steps, or to set up the equipment that I bought. So really working on those strength progressions is a goal for this summer. I did make a lot of the purchases that I wanted to! So I’m set and ready to get to work on getting strong. 

I haven’t stalled on cardio progressions because that’s just been increasing the run:walk ratio. Because my knees are in rough shape, I’ve been wanting to find some other forms of cardio, but on the cheap (ie not swimming, spin cycling, etc). I’ve acquired some skates and I’m going to add in alternating skating/jogging on cardio days. 

For the 100 day challenge I was taking BFP measurements every 10 days. I’m going to change that to once a month just to make sure I’m still on track.

Physical wellness

I had wanted to get into skincare and I did spend some time researching and I did buy I think one product. But TBH I don’t have the cash to develop a whole routine or anything like that. I’ll shelf that one for now and just try to stay mindful of moisturizing and sunscreen.

I was waiting for immunization to make some doctor appointments because it’s been a long-ass time since any smart people have looked at my health. I have made my first appointment! I have a bunch more that I need to do but first step, yay. 

I cut down the vices to every other weekend for the 100 day challenge. I am most likely going to smoke during my camping trip this week but after that I’m going to go totally clean and sober for the whole 22 days to make sure I’m as fit and healthy as I can be for my bae. Shouldn’t be hard, that’s not a long commitment. I’m sure we will get to some drinks together during that visit anyway.

I wanted to add some B vitamins to my routine and I did so. Cronometer says I’m doing pretty awesome on the micronutrients so I will keep my diet/supplements pretty much as-is.

Sleep hygiene. I did try to find a sleep tracker but I couldn’t find one that I liked. So it’s just me and my self-discipline. I slept in this morning as a reward for finishing the deadlines, and I was up late last night talking to a friend. This is a big one though. Especially when my schedule is less structured I have a tendency to fall asleep at like 3am and wake up at like 9am. I’m trying to keep it to 9pm-5am and no naps. I’ve got to stop scrolling on my phone after I get into bed, and I’ve got to actually get out of bed when my alarm goes off. I’ve been daydreaming about getting one of those SAD therapy lights and hooking it up to a timer so I can make my own personal sunrise in my bedroom. Kinda pricey though so I was going to see if I could get a recommendation for which type of light from a doctor. Might be a while before I get through the list of doctors I need to see all the way down to psychiatrist. *shrug*

Posture. I have been working on it, gotta keep working on it.

Mental wellness

Last year I did 60m art every day, then cut it to 30m every day, then cut it to 30m every other day, then cut it out entirely to focus on work. I think I’m going to keep it at 30m every other day.

Bringing back reading before bed! I was almost perfect at this goal during the 100 day challenge, up until Life on Expert Mode started and I had to cut it. But I read a little last night and I want to keep it up. Just trying to decide if 30m or 45m between brushing teeth and lights out is better.

“Fun breaks”. I cut them out for LOEM. I think I was wasting too much time on fun breaks during LOHM. So I’d like to strike a balance. I think internet in the morning before work, then one more internet break about 3pm when I turn on some classical music.

Music: all through the LOHM challenge I completed my goal of listening to popular, classical, and dance music every day. Just want to keep that up.

Friend time. I kept up contacting people all through LOHM. I cut out  drawing birthday cards during LOEM. I want to add that back in. I should probably reassess how much time I want to spend on each person, because there are quite a few who don’t initiate conversations or visits. Now that I have immunization and free time (amazing combo!) I want to add in socializing! That’s going to be a new goal, to see at least one person IRL every week for purely social reasons (could be a date, friend over for dinner, going someplace with friends, whatever).

Home

My typical habit has been to set aside time every 5 days to work on my own stuff. I want to keep doing that.

My LOHM goal was to focus more on pet care. I ended up with too many work commitments to add in many extras, but I definitely want to keep that on the front burner so to speak.

Main job

I have a 2 week break! No take-home work, no in-person commitments, nothin’. :-) But after that, I’m definitely still counting work time and commute time as productive hours. My side job commitments are way less stressful now, so I should be able to give my main job a lot more focus and energy, when I do get back to main job.

Side job

I completed my goal of dehoarding so that every room is functional. I still have a lot to do but no deadlines for now. 

For the last couple of years I’ve done a 5-day rotation of 4 days at side job (different areas of focus) and 1 day on my own house/paperwork/emails. Now that the big deadline is out of the way, I’m still keeping a 5-day rotation but with more balance with my own life. Day 1: only my stuff. Day 2: Side job, senior care. Day 3: Side job senior care, plus making sure I do whatever yardwork tasks they need. Day 4: Digital tasks, both for me and for my seniors. Day 5: Errands, both for me and for my seniors.

During LOHM, my “transfers” (things I made up the next day if I didn’t get to it) were: workout, side job, and PT exercises. When LOEM started, I cut my transfers down to side job and PT exercises. For the next 3 weeks at least I’m going back to all 3. Being strong and fit before bae gets here is a higher priority than side job right now, so I considered doing just workout & PT, but I mean... I have a break from main job so there is no reason not to actually finish all my side job tasks.

To make a long post short, what I’m trying to say is that before my side job took over my life, I was pretty content with my LOHM wellness routines and I’d like to keep them up. At the moment, I have low work responsibilities, and I have a visitor coming to see me in 3 weeks, so I’m going to take this opportunity to focus on fitness first. After the last 10 weeks of never sitting down, and stressing about work day in and day out, I’m going to take 3 weeks to mentally check out, listen to music, and work out.

[mostosbucketlist]

What started off as something just basic with my parents ended up being something so special.

Let’s start at the beginning. 

Doing a civil was something I wanted right from the start. Bridemaids, Reinhards, Esther, Danica, KC, Eina & Liana were the ones that were advised; I think that’s everyone.

Early Jan I was searching and found just a plan white dress. 

His family said they were all coming down for it and took annual leave. Its rare that his whole family comes due to the dog. 

We were discussing decor.. okay cool this will be pretty.. 

Pauly built the arch..  okay this is going to be a thing.. 

I then decided to buy a boho style dress. Supplier advised it was going to take 10 days to make, I then added express postage. I purchased in Feb which allowed 2 weeks for it to be made and posted, 2 weeks for any delays with postage with then, 2 weeks to just sit in the closet and time for me to buy another in person if I didn’t like it once I tried it on. Due to a national PH, they were away for weeks.. The dress was shipped the week before the wedding with an ETA on Wednesday. We were going to Bendigo on Thursday & the wedding was Friday. To my relief it arrived from abroad within 2-3 days due to the DHL express. NAKAKA STRESS

We made our custom give aways, put them in cute bags and added tissue paper aaaand had cute tags. I did the custom pencilcase/make up bags for the ladies, Pauly did the custom gym towels for the boys. For the parents, candle, glass mug & AirPods case. 

The time has come. 

Thursday I got my hair done as I did not want anymore regrowth showing. All the boys got their cuts and Tita got her hair cut and dyed also. Jen’s mom was busy, she did all of our hair personally!

Headed to the flower market and Costco before heading home and packing the cars 

Arriving in Bendigo, the house was perf. 

Left the fam and stayed at my parents house. 

His family did all the preparations for the day while I had a sleep in hehe. His family supplied all the flowers and arch decor.. Well.. Jaimie texted me at 8am.. Mom woke me up at 9am.. Eina texted me at 10am.. HAHA So I finally got up. I kept waking up all night - didn’t get much sleep but that’s okay got my new eye masks ye ye. 

Left for Kmart to get lashes and headed to the house. 

Karizza was already there, Pauly almost walked into the bathroom and saw me. (As you’re not suppose to see the bride) He was so quick at turning and exiting that I couldn’t even see who it was but then realised with Bill laughing. 

With less than one hour to get ready started on my makeup. Planned to get my hair done the day before so I wouldn’t have to do it. I literally just put a clip in it and done. I actually did good on my makeup can’t believe it. It was obviously light but you could tell I was wearing it. Karizza was getting ready, Kylie was chilling and mom was STILL getting ready ofc. 

Guests were starting to arrive.. eeee

Karizza & Kylie helped me with my dress.

It was 1:08pm.. Pushed mom out the door since she was lagging the wedding. I was left alone in the room and the nerves starting kicking in. Karizza let me know when to come out and opened the door for me. As I walked out and saw everything I was okay.. cool.. calm.. just nervous. Then I picked up on the music and he turned around.. The waterfall started. I barely looked at him the whole time because I just kept crying, so I looked above him and to his side at the sky and trees. 

Heather’s words were beautiful, it was time for the vowes. She asked us to write our own vowes which I didn’t want to do because it meant it would be meaningful words from da heart. Paul went first “Making you smile and laugh is my life’s greatest achievement and will be till we’re grey and old.” Waterfall nanaman.. “I grew up as an only child” then started balling. Ripped my falling lash off hanging by a thread; but my other lash was on pretty good. Heather asked to take over, I instantly said YES. Though I should’ve said no and pushed myself to say it - I don’t think I really could’ve as it was so personal. Just kept thinking about my love for Pauly and my dad. (Crying as I write this now) I then read my promises. I was able to do this as it wasn’t the past or present but the future. 

Signing We went first, Followed by Karizza and my dad as the second witness. Ever since the start, I always wanted Karizza on the marriage cert as she’s my forever. Having my dad’s signature on the cert is so so special to me. I can now breathe as my biggest fear as surpassed. My dad was at my wedding. 

Photo time. Was able to get dad standing for the Stokie family photo and quickly pulled the wheelchair back in after a few seconds. Karizza was given the camera for the Gaite family photos. I was like why Karizza HAHA The funny thing is, there was about 10 photos so plenty to choose from but they were all blurry HAHAHA. We got one shot with half of us clear and half blurry HAHA, we got one and eyes are all open - it’ll do. 

Time to EAT! I hadn’t eaten all morning and wasn’t even hungry - when you’re so busy you don’t even think about food. We did the cake cutting followed by food. The photos were actually really cute. The cake was both delicious and beautiful - by Nana ofc. 

It was 3pm and I figured it was time for dad to go home. Jess offered to drop him home as I was just gonna do it. As dad’d chair is a travel wheelchair, didn’t do well on the grass. He had to walk all the way from the back to the car. He had a procession following him. Just making sure he was okay and had mostly Tito and brothers helping dad.  (Dad mentioned on Saturday that his ankles were really sore from all the walking yday)

We played games and most of us changed into chill clothes. Couple of hours before we were heading out to take outside photos. It was so special that was Karizza was there spending some time with his fam.. well I should be saying my extended fam now

Went to the park and cathedral to take sunset photos. I really need to do some research and be ready with poses for October. Ended the night with food and more games

Reflection.

On our way back to Melbourne on Saturday, we were talking about how perfect Yday went. Everything about it was perfect: The location, The set up and decor, The weather (Even if it was 29 degrees and were all sweating), the vibes. We were not expecting to have the day be as special as it was. We’re so happy and glad we did an intimate civil and I’m so thankful that my dad was there. Very thankful for everyone’s help and ALL the little things on Friday. Nothing was left unnoticed. Though we regret not taking this week off HAHA, back to work and normal life.. Literally because we both underplayed how special it was going to be and how we’d feel. I will add, ofc Pauly did not cry. 

[jacquelinewick]

Day 14

Thursday, February 4th 

Another day another consumption post, welcome to day 14 of my life. The day started early with a 9am wake up, which admittedly is unusual for me. I then proceeded to lay in bed on my phone until 10am, because I had to get up early to do research for a meeting. At 11:30 in the morning I had a meeting with an advisor about when I am going to go abroad in the Spring of next year. I had to research where I wanted to go and what program I thought would be the best fit for me. I did research for about 30 minutes on my computer before I had a 15 minute meeting to answer any questions that I had. I then went to a friends house from noon until my class at 3. I had class from 3pm until 4:45pm and then I took a break. In the break I did my standard 30 minutes of yoga with my roommate Jade. I then proceeded to deep clean my apartment for the next 30 minutes before my next class from 6:15 until 7:45. Followed by homework from the day until midnight. Was kind of a long day for me with no naps. I should almost be proud of myself for that one. My screen time today was 4 hours and 37 minutes, I had a hard time focusing in class today. I might have been on my phone a bit plus the time I spend on it this morning laying in bed. 

Today for the eating part of the consumption post I had the leftover from last night, the past thing I made with vegetables. I also in fact had it for dinner because my lack of cooking skills is still present. I did have an apple today because I have been reading these posts and I realize I have not had a fruit in quite some time. That is probably not good for me so I will have to work on that. In the middle of the day for lunch I did sneak some rice and shrimp in at my friends house. They had it for dinner last night but it was nice to not eat the same thing as I do every day. I think if I really want to learn something about my consumption habits from this post it should be that I need to learn to cook for my own well being. I also had coffee today and drank tea twice so that I stopped stressing out about things. 

I think I am feeling alright today as a whole. The day is not quite as sad as yesterday as I settle back into my every day routine. On the plus side there was also no loud construction workers that woke me up this morning due to the snow storm that is currently going on. I am not a fan of the snow but I think that a lot of people really want to do Winter sports so I am happy that my family gets to do things like snowmobile now. Today my top apps of the day were TicTok, Spotify, and Snapchat which is mostly the same as every other day just not in the correct order. M y sleep quality on a scale of 1-10 today is probably a 5. I stayed up way too late again and then I got up early for no reason. There was also a lot of tossing and turning at night so that didn’t help. Plus no nap, I’m officially loosing it I think. I must say this was a long day, goodnight. 

[w1737087]

1st June

Sipped on mango juice through the night.

Up at around 9 from mother’s rigid voice and all her disputes with father.

Got up shut the door and shut the window. I could still hear her.

I finally placed multiple orders on ear buds..

Today she thinks dads out with a woman

I put on back to sleep playlist and later fell asleep. It was hard work, to fall asleep,

Dad called. I ignored it.

Kay called. I ignored it.

Up before 3pm and out of bed by 3

I cried before sleeping from all the frustration and triggering the sack of thoughts about my never ending tribulations and vast entrapment by mother.

Dreams? A little fucked up.

Shambolic scenarios being slammed in and out of one from another.

Killing bunnies?

Interrupted sex dream?

Other weird & hectic shit happened I cannot recall but I remember being sucked in by my pillows into some visions like a vacuum literally PULLING my face in. This happened twice and funny thing, I was in my mind REALISING it but also having the want to not... wake up because of it so I gave in again. It soon..was getting intense. Not scary but just hitting the red meter and I thought I’d burst and die and mentally I recited my shahada. Again, no fear, just intensity. Who dreams like this? For someone who dreams a lot this was something new I experienced.

When I woke all I concluded was that I really wanted to sleep. I hadn’t gotten enough and knew I wanted to get some more to meet the amount I should have gotten.

By 4pm completed the last mask sitting in the bed in my parents room.

Packed it up got ready. The little one tagged along. Dad came home and stormed back out. Mother has been fighting over the phone with him since the morning disrupting my sleep. I can hear her all day as I get on with my own day.

We went to post office to drop the mask sack off. Learnt what postage stamps are really for. A source of posting currency. Second band I sent it. Dad actually waited near the shops on the way there spontaneously, he called and we hopped in.

He took us McDonalds and we ate sitting in beckton car park. It was hot.

The little un wanted to return her books and I also needed to go to the high street.

We didn’t do either and I felt bad for not having taken her where I told her we’d go.

She also mentioned the zoo recently and I said a couple weeks time.

I’ve got to tell work I ain’t working my usual days then I’ll plan the zoo.

The car park is pretty empty. Around us boxed tarmac and in front upgraded stores.

Dads wearing a half sleeved shirt and

I wanted a fag as he had his.

I sat at the front, the little one at the back.

She talks about newspapers and her friends hand drawing being in today’s paper. She wanted to see. Dad only had dated ones.

I had one in my hands now and decided to do a crossword puzzle and a sudoku. I was really into the crossword as we arrived home.

We came home and through the journey dad talked about mother’s behaviour and she called a couple times and I didn’t like it. She is just so bothersome. Rightfully so but to witness it and know enough of what’s going on I’d without a doubt shove a muzzle on my mother for life and let my dad be. She would also be settled by this. Then I would be and that’s my main motive.

6pm

Tried to poop. Fail.

Eldest was in the shower. She was prompt.

Middle one wanted to go. I got out unbothered as i couldn’t go.

Came up

18:10

Lit up out the window.

My heart does that thing again.

Somethings deeply wrong. Inside of me I know for a fact there’s a riot, flaccid tears, somewhere along in the past couple weeks or further back I malfunctioned.

I don’t know if this is anxiety or not but I find myself alone and noticing my heart beating at an abnormal rate. It is everything but peace. I feel horrifyingly unsettled. I’ve got the essays I’ve got to write on my mind. It’s a factor in play as well as the wrecked sleep and I just feel so so insufferable these days. I can’t stop it, I try to be calm, I seem calm, I tell myself calm, I am so, but just as I am, I am entirely not all fine. Whatcwr this is I need it stop. My motner and her aura, ber behaviour which wrecks my sleep every morning as well as being underpaid at work and so many otber reasons. I cannot seem to stabilise myself correctly enough anymore. Everytime I want to yell at my parents it goes down mentally and when with them individually it’s to come out as I would be deemed crazy to blurt these issues out at the wrong times. At the right time it doesn’t work either. Either their good mood or their something is in the way. I’m doing so many things wrong and i just feel I’m in the middle of an identity crisis too. I don’t go to uni, I picture my desk and have no clue what’s there, I don’t go so label it as I can’t go, my baby sis is growing up and I haven’t been there, day by day I still feel I’m doing wrong by her, now that I’ve started work I’ve wasted time to better things with her. I don’t want to be here in this house and nobody will let me leave. I have no one to speak to because speaking to people is all that’s ever done, they hear they listen but they just don’t know the root of my problems and I am just beyond in need of help. How do I survive another year of this and manage to build the money and courage to move myself out of here, i don’t want grey hairs, if they show up I’ll know I’m damaging rn and I want to be settled if anything for now, for whatcwr this feeling inside of my chest is to mellow. It’s hectic between my rib cage there and my mind is swell. They are not in sync. I am not fine. Summer always had me feeling a type of way too. It’s a very very fine day and I want it but I feel once it comes around every year I’m not a part of it. Ever. It’s like it’s always for the world except for me. I cannot indulge in it enough to feel like it’s for me too.

The house is empty for now. Just us girls. Parents gone out to get some papers for the little one.

They may be back. I don’t know. I’m in my room holed up.

Mood today:

Absolutely off

Down

Unsettled, torn.

18:40 tbwy levaw. The sisters now. I’m all alone. It’s Such a rarity I don’t have time to pick what to do. Today’s agenda was to begin emailing Stewart and getting started on something to do with the essays.

I’m still dressed.

I cleaned up the powder that fell to the ground dispersing into a thousand pieces from my compact blush case.

I remember growing massively agitated over it as it was a fat mess and it fell like they always somehow accidentally do due to lack of space here and how I always always mentally be careful to not let them fall and they do anyway.AND I GET WO MAD

🆘

Recap

Been a busy day. Productive.

Moved extension cord back. Had to move alll my shoes and did rearrange them better seeing as the few at the bottom were damaging by the compression.

Tidied the messy tower of clothes on my chair.

Emptied the underwear drawers and distributed everyone’s own to their own rooms. Assigned the two empty drawers to the little one now. She needs the space.

Liphi went for her lip filler appointment today with Nam who didn’t wanna go with.

We FaceTimed later around 9:45 for a bit.

Her lips are bruised.

I cleaned the floor. Emptied the bin, enjoyed the brief empty house before bleaching and washing my shirts.

Shuffled some things around

Tidied the bedside table and some of the drawer, moved all the bundles of colour pencils and placed them in my art box under the bed, the drawer now has better space but still clogged as usual.

Opened a package which held my sports bras that I wanted more of after having one. They stabilise my breasts well.

The little one stayed by me as I cleaned my room. She was refolding her clothes all very neatly for their new place.

She went out with my parents when the house was empty to collect madrasah forms and tbwy went shopping at galleons. From H&M she bought a sky blue dress, trackies with hearts on them, pink sliders with cartoon slapped on and a pair of leggings.

Meals:

Macdonnas in the car with dad

Late night lasagne. 00:30

Ice cream from truck - sister bought after I sorted out everyone’s underwear with the little one in parents room. She sat in her car much of that hour.

Brain kicker

A nutty Lindt bar and I just ain’t taking care of my body anymore am I in terms of eating matter..

Notes

Sneezed 3 times

Thought about that bee lad at today.

Remembering to take my vitamins.

Killed my first mosquito tonight and seeing more than a couple. This means summer has officially kicked in.

Almost burnt the entire microwave down and could have blown a fuse. I placed my lasganve in and the wrapped food pack it was in caught fire immediately and I lunged at the push button.

Couldn’t blow the flames off as they were too great. Tossed it in the sink quickly and splashed water all over it which went everywhere too.

I was very alarmed. I don’t find myself in such situations that cause panic ever really.

Didn’t go to the Palestine protests as there were fights breaking out and harm occurring with the movement.

Humayra’s in the bathroom at midnight when I’ve already set my clothes in there and was ready to shower. I went back up for something and did an arm workout for 30 minutes or so including some rnr

I didn’t like that she was in there at this hour, why is it every time I need the bathroom she utilises it. I felt aggravated and those thoughts immediately crept in that I need out, I need my own place where I can get shit done without wasting these few minutes a couple hundred times a day of everyday due to others. It’s literally slowing my life down and she’s in the way of my kitchen and bathroom use, more so the latter this season.

So I showered, scrubbed my face, ears, in between toes and all and finally done with my day around 3am