#i need to quit my job SO bad
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Augh man I am experiencing the agonies. I hate when a flare up gets bad enough that my hands start cramping up 😭 two days off and then I'm back to work again for another four open-closes in a row and I am getting STRESSED just thinking about it...
#i need to quit my job#i need to quit my job SO bad#but I'm too exhausted all the time to think about it 😞#need to see the dr but i don't have time bc im workin all the hours the surgery is open <- rural drs#screaming and kicking#except not bc it hurts lol#personal
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i love to get home and im hungry and i need to do things but i literally cant move off this couch because my legs hurt too much
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What a terribly dull ending this is.
#a lil manga redraw I did quite some time ago#sebaciel#kuroshitsuji#black butler#ciel phantomhive#sebastian michaelis#my art#redraw#sorry for not posting for so long again life's been kinda crazy on me last couple months#for good and for worse ig#good news is I may be opening commissions soon💋#bad news I (got) dropped out of university🥀#can't say I hadn't seen it coming#just need to keep myself busy with something but can't find it in myself to look for an ACTUAL job outside of freelance for now...#too scary...
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I was out for one day. One day before the Christmas break and I get back and someone has touched everything that I own. My stapler googly eyes are gone, I don't think this is my tape dispenser, I'm out of mints, my shelves have been swapped with my co-worker's shelves, my desk... is sticky. I can't live like this
#small talk#I need to quit my job SO BAD#and then when I do I can tell you all of the weird extremely specific things that happen to me at this place
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ep 43 had me tearing up in a fucking shopping centre ‼️‼️
b+w alt version that I truly couldn't decide if I liked it more . Also I included a lot of thoughts in the tags but they're somewhat incoherent<3
#i dont know what i expected but i was waiting for a friend and too excited to wait until later#malevolent podcast#john doe#john doe malevolent#john malevolent#malevolent fanart#grimm art#ep 43#ep 43 left me with a lot of thoughts ... i didnt quite like how much of a recap it felt like at times but that might#be because ive been relistening and like yeah everyone knows that john 🙄 but that's not the case for everyone and with monthly uploads#things get forgotten easily#i find the discussion of “humanity” so interesting because John has shown that without someone that he has forcibly grown to value as an#equal... something he cannot do as the king of yellow as he is superior to all of his realm and presumably stays out of other elder god's#anyway. without that equality and enviroment to grow he fails to reach his goal of compassion and falls onto old ways.#John. The King in Yellow. shown by both times each has found themselves in human form do not just crave power and influence!!!#THEY CRAVE COMMUNITY!!! an endrich being not born or raised with nothing but power and ego#CRAVES COMMUNITY.#His goal of “humanity” is not a selfless goal like John projects - it is ultimately somewhat selfish as he does not want to be alone!!#which makes this desire so much more human#i don't know maybe this is just me spelling out whats already there but the way john and the witch argued about humanity frustrated me#it felt like they were missing the point or that perhaps the “good/evil” “black/white” retoric was already realised by me and john needed#realise it himself . which is fair !!!#i dont know!!!!#the witch was talking about how bad everyone was and how humanity is cruel and john was talking about Lily (#who also frustrates me how shes used in the plot somewhat she was literally just a nurse doing her job bro#) but to John - yes internally he is struggling with his moral greyness and im so proud of him for growing being himself SO PROUD#JUST.!!! he wants community. he needs community. he loves his friend. 'humanity' at its core does not matter as long as you try to be bette#and i think thats awesome and i really enjoyed the episode#guhh im rambling enjoy my tag rambling i dont know i want john to have more friends :(#yorrick can be another friend godd i love you yorrick so silly
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#in case anyone’s wondering whats been going on with me#i have now officially quit my job#still need to work till the end of the month though#idk what to do with my life after now that game industry is doing so bad…..
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY YUMICHIKA!!!
these are pieces i commissioned from @drugsandsocks_ on twitter!
it's been just over a year since i posted the first panel of yumichika on this blog and alot has changed since then!! i'm excited for cours three and manifest new chapters from kubo one day soon
#bleach#yumichika ayasegawa#ikkaku madarame#not my art#please go check out @drugsandsocks_!! they were really nice to commission and i love these pieces sm#and they were okay with me sharing them here!#it's been a wild year! quit my bad job. was unemployed for a bit. then appled for a job at a game studio and started working there at the#start of the month!! still wild i am working in an industry i actually have an interest in!!#i still need to relocate so things are not settled fully yet but thank you for your patience!#i will return to regular posting soon!#thank you all for following and reblogging and liking! i really am glad there's other people who like this tertiary character as much as i#do too!!#happy birthday yumichika#and to many more 🎉🎊🥳🍾#ikkayumi#sorry i should have tagged them
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#ruffled feathers#sometimes work is so fucking frustrating#like i had this one kid hit another kid and then when i told him off he just mocked me and then the entire class laughed#and like. there's nothing i can do. i can't send him out of the classroom bc i'm not allowed (there's nowhere to send him)#i can't call his parents bc i'm not allowed (and my japanese wouldn't be good enough to speak to them anyway)#i told him he couldn't join in the game and he just didn't care. spent the game throwing stuff at other kids + ruined it for everyone#then he shoved some crayons up his nose/in his ears and started running around#which is. y'know. REALLY FUCKING DANGEROUS so i can't just ignore it#when i spoke to the japanese teacher she was like 'ohh he has adhd' and i'm like ??? he assaults others. that's NOT bc of adhd#i don't work at a school i work at an eikaiwa. i'm the only staff member on location (no assistant no receptionist etc)#i have 11 kids in that class. most of them are 6-7 years old#and the japanese teacher just lets them do what they want most of the time so it's basically impossible to control them#i just. i fucking hate this classroom honestly. the kids are so disrespectful#i know it's not just me like everyone i've spoken to says it's a Problem Classroom#but also. it makes me feel like i'm a bad teacher bc i can't control the kids#it makes me feel like i should just quit my job bc obviously i'm bad at it#anyway i'm really not looking for advice here i'm just venting so please spare me the 'have you tried' messages#i've already asked my supervisor and senpais for advice and the general consensus is we need more staff#and also for the jt to not actually tolerate 7-year-olds behaving like 2-year-olds#delete later
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#vivere campaign#pathfinder#dnd#ttrpg#illustration#detective kwan#kwan ha-eun#bullied into sharing my pathfinder character piece 😭#literally shaking my dm. i need to play so bad#quit your job. play dolls with me.#actually take your time i need to practice how to act LOL#i love creating my messed up girlfail guy. my bigender baddie
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-- TAKING A BREAK --
hewwo, im gonna be taking a break from tumblr for the next while.
ive come to realize that im on tumblr wayyyy too much bc of my (newly found) ocd so im leaving for a while to try and deal with it (+ other stuff in the op tags)
i'll be back once im satisfied w/ my progress, but there is a chance i won't be back for months, so if u want to stay in contact send me a DM w ur discord or smthn, i'll check them a couple of times in the next couple days, but after that no tumblr at all.
so yeah, byebyes & i'll see u people later hopefully <3
#cybernetic meows#im putting more reasons why under the cut in the tags#xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx#okay so ive found that i probably have ocd and the whole chronological dash is actually quite bad for me bc ive gotten obsessive over#seeing every single post from all the blogs im following and thats just not really worth it in terms of time and#plus im quite lonely atm so seeing people on the dash being friends and having fun together is honestly making me feel sick and#a bit dysphoric#which just sucks but its not really anyones fault (but mine ig)#this break is mainly just so i can sort out life#finish exams get a job#get some mf therapy cuz yeah i def need it#try and connect w my local queer community hopefully#maybe try and move out but thats probly years away yet#anyway if u read this far thanks i appreciate it alot <3
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I continue to find it deeply frustrating that I got a two-book deal with a traditional publisher, but still won't have the resources to actually make the second book.
I get 18k per book with the payments split up. The way things play out, I get the 12k before I start, and the last 6k upon delivery or publication. I make my comics with colored pencils; each page takes anywhere from 10-15 hours to complete, and I can manage 4 pages a week when I'm In The Zone. Each book is 180+ pages long. So yeah. That's a full time job for about a year if I work like a machine.
But I can't live off 12k for a whole year, which means I gotta do part time work, which means the book takes longer to produce, which means that 12k gets stretched out over like three years. I get fucked either way, basically.
It's just. Not great! That there are only like...two grants out there which might apply to a graphic novelist working with a traditional publisher, and they only give out like. Maybe $500?
It's insane to me?? I guess?? That I'm gonna have to Kickstarter a traditionally-published book. This is the sort of thing I expected to like, not have to worry about as much if I went the way of traditional publishing. There are definitely benefits to this approach (!!!), but I honestly don't know how I'm gonna get the money to actually fulfill my contract! Which?? What???
#anyway#if anyone has any larger grant recommendations please let me know!#honestly what I probably need to do is like#quit my retail job and focus on YouTube as a second job instead of trying to make all three of my jobs work#but I love my retail job and it's like my one consistent/reliable revenue stream#whereas YouTube stresses me out SO BAD
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the fact that I cannot simply quit my job. there’s plenty of food and space and skilled people in the world. things could function so much better with a tenth the labor if we were efficient about it. but we aren’t. and under capitalism I love my job - I am incredibly lucky to have it and even find it fulfilling in its way. but also I am disabled and my life would be 1000% easier if I just didn’t have to find miracle jobs to make what still comes to below poverty wages given how few hours I can manage. but even though the amount of money I make is play money to other people, it’s the only thing giving me dignity, both the dignity of privacy in spending and the false dignity of being a “productive member of society”. plus, like, I gotta eat and feed my cats, even if I’m currently rent free. but sometimes I think about the ways money and my job (and their relationship with my health) play as such large factors in my decision making and I just think, ideally, those would have less weight. ideally I could just quit my job and somehow still have money. not because I don’t love the work, but because of the limitations having to maintain both a work schedule and my fatigue put on me.
#timemachine wuz here#I do love my job though#like couldn’t ask for a better one. genuinely always anxious they’re gonna fire me even though they’ve given zero indication#and have always been really understanding and also complimentary#I think because I realize how much I enjoy the work compared to almost any job I’ve had#it just ticks so many boxes. and even the driving isn’t that bad (except when there’s snow but we are encouraged to call out#if we think it’s unsafe)#it’s just that at my level of fatigue. I feel like#ideally I wouldn’t need a job at all yk?#like on a straight financial level my job costs more than it’s worth#as in if I had 100k a year I would spend *more than my salary on a pill that eliminates my job’s impact on my health if such a pill existed#meaning like on some level I think my job isn’t objectively worth it#even though I think it is valuable work and I enjoy doing it and am able to maintain a remarkable work/life balance given its flexibility#relative to my level of disability#like pragmatically it’s an invaluable job that I love but idealistically i could just quit to write and play with my cats and clean the bat#idk I feel whiny
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Guys college sucks, I can't just draw Optimus prime and me being cringe all the time anymore :((
#i HAVE to escape this HELL#honestly its mainly my new job that is preventing my freedom#i wanna quit so bad but i need money 😔🤌
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decided to leave my job and i'm gonna fr gonna cryyyyy
#literally can't work with my new boss bc i can't trust her#she went to the head of the department with complaints abt me without ever speaking to me or giving me any indication she was unhappy#and various other reasons im not happy w management and the school in general#HOWEVER#i love the kids sm and im gonna miss them and worry abt them 😭😭😭😭#im literally scared for some of them bc it feels like the other teachers have no empathy for some of my favorite kids#one of them who is so so sweet and when he cries i'm the girst to comfort him bc everyone else thinks he needs to toughen up 😭#also my new boss sucks so so bad and is gonna be such a bad influence on him and all the other kids#and my main co teacher said she's gonna quit if i do so i cant even beg her to look out for my babies and take care of them 😭💔#and it would be unprofessional to mention any concerns to the parents but genuinely some of the kids would be better off elsewhere#like im actually worried about it#i dont want some of the really sweet sensitive kids to lose their sweetness bc they're being treated unkindly#and the worst bullies and spoiled kids are the ones the teachers dote on#so it encourages some of the sweet ones to act out for attention#anyway 💔#i really do need to go tho#and i'm sure i'll love the kids at my new job#but im so sadddd#also its unlikely i can find a well paying job w this age group even tho i love this age group#its basically impossible not to get attached to them at this age and i get to pick them up and hold and cuddle them and stuff#and you cant really do that with the older kids sadly#literally on the verge of tears even seriously thinking abt leaving#things have been p bad for a while due to management but i never seriously considered leaving bc i love the kids so much#but i literally can't see a future here#and my new boss clearly hates me and im worried she's going to try to get me fired#she already made up a bunch of lies about me and its only been three weeks#anyway i only make 15 an hour so hopefully i'll at least get more somewhere else and i know i'll still love the kids#its just really hard#which is why i've stayed this long#i was p unhappy before my new boss even started bc of the way they treated my old boss
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!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#A great episode tbh especially given the low budget. I feel like they really did their very best#And even though what I'm going to say next is probably going to be all critic - because I nitpick things and that's what I always end up–#talking about - I still want to underline that it was a very solid and enjoyable episode!!!#Alright the ss/kk was so 💞💞💞 every scene I had to rewatch twice or thrice akhscbashfb they're so cute!!!#Except for the riding scene tho. That scene gives me massive second hand embarrassment every time I just wish it will end as fast as–#possible pffttt. Mmmmhhh... The drawings weren't even too bad all accounted. My main complain is about the quicksand scene...#I feel like that one should be a slow quiet emotional scene. I never licked the choice of using the song as background soundtrack :/#I feel like it ruins the mood of the scene (it was still good though)#I also... Generally don't like the direction they seem to go for with Akutagawa's character in the anime‚ he seems quite a bit flatter–#compared to how he is in the manga. He can't be angry and evil ALL the time you need to show that softness get through from time to time.#If not what even is the point of his character. Yet in the anime he's angry (and not distraught) when he loses the mine craft and he's–#angry when he's questioning Atsushi about his motifs and he's angry when he's bragging about Atsushi's abilities to Goncharov and he's–#angry when he makes the promise with Atsushi at the end of the episode and eventually he'll be just as angry even when telling Atsushi–#to run away as he's sacrificing his life for him. It is pretty flat at the end of the day.#If I can say something about K/ensho Ono without being killed I think they do contribute to making him feel angry all the time.#But that said it's all probably poor directing choices (or simply choices I don't agree with).#Also‚ about cuts. Usually I try to be lenient about it– I understand it's hard to fit in everything and b/sd already does a very–#good job by adapting the manga almost panel-by panel. It's just that... You skip Akutagawa showing compassion for Atsushi after the–#orphanage director died. You skip Atsushi sharing the same compassion when Akutagawa loses his targed in the mines chase. You skip the–#“Nothing special about that. // I suppose he's far crueler than my own mentor.” line. And sure each of them may be negligible by their own#But together they wave a consistent web of relationship between the two characters you know? And it's a loss to omit them all#Well no mind. Again it was still a great episode overall!!!!#I think the colors in the mines could have been prettier in the mines but we can't have it all#Off to season 4!!! Omg I can't believe we got this far :DDD#random rambles#FINALLY was able to catch up in time for the season 3 finale!!!!!!
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